#like i started the year pretty unwell physically due to a number of reasons

[stemmmm]

big fail year for art if im gonna be completely honest but im trying not to let it get to me because these past 2 years have been a fucking nightmare so it's only reasonable I don't do as well. plus i've been learning a completely different medium which is creatively exhausting

[ikilledamoth]

'How I thought my boyfriend was dead for three years straight.'

Hi.

So this post might be incoherent, a mess and also also might not be of interest to anyone but I want to write it down and let it out.

I am not a good writer so the timeline might be a mess especially since its been years after some events and my memory tends to fail me.

I'll try to document as much information as I can here but there might be gaps. The post might also be quite long.

Before I start, trigger warnings for:

depression, suicide mention, drug and alcohol abuse mention, abusive family mention.

1: Introduction to Past.

I used to be here on a different account however, I've lost access to it. (old email, no longer remember it, it's been years after all and I never thought I'll use this app again.)

My boyfriend's name on here was @slightly-depressed-niko-boy. Do excuse the content there as it's rather depressive, having been written in a quite bad period of time for him.

Niko is neurodivergent and at the time of using this app (2017) pretty mentally ill, and been in a rather abusive household for his whole life. His parents are physically and mentally abusive. They have always been extremely manipulative and controlled his life to the point where... Well... He had basically no autonomy. They were in control of his social media at many points, controlled his devices, forced him to stay at home at most times and cherrypicked who he was and was not allowed to speak to and hang out with. Whilst doing all that, they still managed to trick most people into thinking that they were a rather picture perfect family. Pretty nasty people.

As you may notice, I'm writing in a present tense.

2: Last Events.

In 2017, I was lead to believe that Niko died.

It was all almost too masterfully planned, really. I had no reason to believe that it was fake. I was at the scene when things happened, as well and had no reason to deny the claims made by Niko's family, combined with what I saw.

To anyone that I lead astray and made believe that Niko was gone: I am truly, truly and genuinely sorry.

I would never try to lie to anyone about something like this. I knew how much he meant to his friends and I would never try to hurt them by confirming he was gone. I believed that it was true and I was devastated at the time myself. I felt my whole world falling apart, I did. I had no reason to think that it might not be true.

I have never had any malicious intentions.

Niko had to go inpatient due to what I was informed was an OD. And what I was told was a su¡c¡d€ attempt. Later, I was informed by his parents it was a successful one.

At the time, I felt devastated. I was not thinking clearly, being too hurt to be rational. I did not notice all the red flags and the sketchy manner in which Niko's parents behaved. I did not realise that they might have had ulterior motives. I was dealing with grief, having lost a friend of many years and someone that I truly loved.

Given that it all happened about four years ago, I do not remember much details. I tried recalling things but due to the traumatic nature of those events, I was left grasping at the little bits that I can still remember. I can't remember many details, or who I spoke to at the time. In fact, couple of years ago I managed to forget about all of that, somewhat. To a degree.

I could never forget my boyfriend and years I've spent with him, of course, but with all happening in life, I managed to move on enough that details of those traumatic days turned into a blur.

However, that changed in September 2020. Three years after the events.

3: Introduction to Present.

At that point, I have moved out of my old house and no longer associated myself with the area where Niko and I used to live.

As I would like to keep some privacy, I'm not going to mention details of locations and institutions where I went, etc, however I will mention that I went to a university in a completely new town.

I did not know many people here, besides those that I met online during freshers events and whatnot. It was a fresh start, in a way.

In many ways, I am no longer the same person I was in 2017, and I'd like to ask people that knew me back then to try not to fully associate me with whoever I was back then. I'd like to also apologise if I've ever done anything that could have been of harm to anyone for I was just a kid, thinking that the world's a bit of a playground. I'd like to ask people to give me a chance to introduce myself properly as me, and not that person from the past, who functioned as nothing else but a romantic partner of someone online.

But I digress.

4: First Encounter.

Weeks past, and I began to meet new people, explore new areas, visit new places. One of friends from my course added me to a groupchat where we could get to know each other all a bit better. The group consisted of way too many people, so I wasn't the most active there, however it was a bit of a mix of different people. Not limited to my course, or even, as I'd soon find out uni.

And that's when I saw a familiar name that caught my attention.

You know, there are plenty of people sharing names and surnames. The world is so big after all. I didn't think much of it at first, because well... After all, Niko I knew was long gone.

Not.

Curiosity spiked, I started talking, wanting to double check if that person I saw in the groupchat was really a stranger.

I did a bit of digging and given it's almost five in the morning as I'm writing it, I'm not going to go into much detail, just yet. (might edit this post later, I just want to post it as soon as I can)

It's not that difficult in the digital age, really. Everything is kind of... Out here for you to take in.

That's when I found out, my boyfriend never died.

5: The Lies.

I know all of this sounds crazy, but I need you to listen. In a span of few weeks, I realised that past years of my life were a lie. That my grief was unnecessary. That my pain was created because someone tried to intimidate and scare me and anyone that Niko was ever close to.

At first, I felt cheated. I felt like my best friend faked his own death, but he did not. He did not, and I need people to know that he did nothing wrong, and in fact, after all these years needs more help than ever.

I want to reach out to people that were friends with him, ever spoke to him briefly. And also reach out to those who knew nothing about him and tell you : Niko is alive, but he is not safe and sound. And I am all alone in this mess, and I need some help. I need support from people that knew him. I need support from people that might care. Because I can't do it alone.

That's what the current situation looks like:

Niko's parents forcibly put him inpatient for longer than necessary to make his friends believe he was dead. They took his electronics and made him lose access to his old accounts by getting rid of his old phone number. They cut him off from the outside world. They threatened to hurt him and used intimidation tactics to make him cooperate and turn him into a doll in all of this.

I was told they put down his cat as a punishment for unknown reasons and after months of his hospitalisation, moved towns for again, unknown reasons. Niko was then homeschooled due to his, apparently, unwell mental state. He had no access to the outside world. No more social media, school friends, nothing. He was cut off in the world that made everyone else think he was dead. And they succeeded. Even I firmly believed that Niko was gone. And I feel deeply ashamed to admit it. I feel like I failed him and many of his friends by not investigating further, however I was still a kid at the time and there wasn't much I could do. I didn't think the situation was as messed up as it was.

After years of being under almost a complete supervision and a suicide watch even, Niko continues to be controlled by his parents, despite being an adult that deserves autonomy. I can explain the situation further in messages.

Even though I managed to speak to him again, after all these years of thinking he was gone, every time he seemed like there was someone listening, watching over his shoulder.

6: The Present.

I am currently formulating a plan to free Niko from the abuse that he is experiencing with his family. I need to get money to do so, therefore it's nothing I can do instantly, however I've been reaching out to various foundations to see what can be done. My current plan is to find a way to transport Niko out of his house into a temporary accommodation where he can stay away from his parents, ideally with someone who can help him stay safe. I need money for that, though, as accommodations, even emergency ones can be quite pricy if you're not on benefits.

As its very late right now, I'm ending this post right here. However I will edit and update it when I can and I just want to let it out into the world. Sorry for keeping it so long. If you read so far-thank you.

[writinginstardust]

is nikoli request almost done? or kaz?😔

Short answer? No.

Explanation (not that I’m obligated to explain but I’m nice and considerate) if you feel so inclined to read: there’s a multitude of reasons why but i’ll try to be as succinct as possible - 

1) I have and have had A LOT on my plate at the moment 

- I’m doing a shit ton of christmas fics which yes I don’t HAVE to do but it’s something that makes me happy and other people seem to be into as well so I am and obviously they have a bit of a deadline and there’s a lot to do there

- I did fictober where I posted a fic (sometimes 2!) every day for a whole month so that took a lot of time and effort and again I didn’t have to do that but I like writing as more than a hobby and it was a challenge that I really wanted to see if I could do and did

- I’m aware some of the requests were from a bit longer ago than the last couple of months but before that I was still busy as heck preparing to move across the country, on a couple of holidays (fine yeah that’s not a busy thing but a bloody needed them), and working quite frankly insane hours (6 days a week 8-12 hour days in fastfood) and that left me so physically and mentally exhausted that writing was just like not gonna happen most of the time

- I’ve started university and I’m a film student now and it takes up soo much time both with actual classes and all the work we have to do outside of them as well

- Unfortunately I have to be a proper adult now too and everyday household chores and stuff take up a surprising amount of time when you have to do all of them yourself and also clean up after a messy flatmate if you want to do anything else

- I also do a lot of drawing and it’s something I’ve recently got back into and honestly love doing so much so that takes up some of my free time too and yes this is another thing I have no obligation to do but I’m gonna do it anyway and I’m not gonna feel bad about it potentially making me take longer to write stuff

2) Specifically in relation to Kaz, I find him really tricky to write about generally especially in a relationshipy way due to the way he is in canon and how that does not translate well into a relationship setting. It takes a lot of effort to get him right and balance all the fic stuff with not writing him ooc or ignoring his trauma and it leaves me incredibly mentally exhausted so in general I’m more likely to write stuff for other characters if I have options. He’s also just generally not my favourite character to write about

3) Most of this year the books and stuff that I’ve been in love with and most excited to make content for are new things and not the grishaverse. I still love them but there’s just so much more I can and want to do in my new fandoms

4) I’ve actually received a lot of requests for fics when I have specifically said in either my bio or my request info - which I do ask people to check every time they want to request something because it changes - that i’m not taking any requests or only for a specific fandom or prompt list. I’ve been very lenient with people and agreed to take their requests anyway but have warned them every (or nearly every) time that it will take a while before I get to them.

5) Sometimes inspiration is just hard, y’know, and a lot of the fics people have requested, especially the Kaz ones, have been particularly difficult for me to figure out a plot or way to write it because words are also tricky fickle things to wrangle

6) This, I do for fun. When I stop having fun writing a fic, I’m not gonna force myself to keep going with it then and there, I’m gonna write something that I do enjoy. “But Amy, why don’t you just say you’re not doing it?” I hear people ask and it’s for one very simple reason: I still want to, just not right then. If I ever decide that I really will never manage to finish a fic, I’ll say 

7) I hope people remember that I’m under no obligation to write a request quickly or even at all. I don’t beg for requests (except sometimes with the prompt lists when I want to write everything but know I can’t), I just give you guys the option of suggesting stories you’d like to see

> Honestly I know there’s even more stuff than that but it’s late and I’ve wasted the last hour of my evening explaining all this and I’m tired and tbh I really shouldn’t need to explain any further than that. 

> Also I’m pretty sure I’ve said a fair amount of this a number of times before but whatever. I’m also sure I mentioned that most fics would be taking a back seat to fictober and ficmas for the time being and that it was unlikely much would be posted other than those until the new year.

> If y’all want to know if a fic is done/being done and when things might be uploaded there’s several places you can check on my blog very easily: If you go to my navigation section, there’s an update schedule there which I do change when I get fics finished and plan their post date, and if I have more than the 5 slots the blog theme allows then I make a post which gets linked in my bio and you can check out my ‘currently writing’ post which I keep updated and will show what’s been started and what’s been finished but not posted

Edit: Guess who just remembered another couple of reasons some stuff isn’t done?

8) I am so incredibly lucky to get a load of mental health problems which are officially undiagnosed and going untreated because my anxiety is so bad that just the thought of actually talking to a professional about it makes me feel physically sick. So quite often my headspace is just not good at all and if it’s alright enough to write, I’m gonna write stuff that I enjoy and isn’t exhausting. (it also gets worse during autumn/winter so that’s fun for now!)

9) My physical health is like really not the best either and especially in winter and especially lately I’ve barely had a day when I haven’t felt a little unwell so writing gets pushed aside and then when I am okay and write I have to prioritise and like I’ve said before, my priorities are/were fictober and ficmas

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Assessment Update (Trigger warning)

Firstly, I am sorry for only just getting around to writing and posting this, I have had another very busy/long day with (haircut plus bloods/ecg and then staying in town to run some errands etc).

Anyway, as you know, yesterday was my pre-admission assessment at the Priory with my consultant (12th June). I am not going to lie, it was very hard to go onto the ward and to be there in general/have the discussions, however I think it was a good thing overall/went a little better than I initially anticipated (?)

The journey there was anything but smooth. We ended up being nearly an hour late due to sink holes and diversions (thank god for dad and a mini mindfulness/breathing book I had with me!!)

Once I had arrived, I had a 20ish minute meeting with my consultant (who is also one of the consultants on the ward) - the EDP I see was meant to be there but she didn’t come in the end *rolls eyes*

She believes that I need a short admission to help push me in the right direction/get me going, and that overall the best place for me to be is in the community

She said that yes she could keep me in for 9 months, get me up to a healthy weight etc etc, but that she does not think it would be beneficial (which is refreshing to hear something that isn’t just focused on weight/numbers)

She agreed that I need to have autonomy. It needs to come from me, not just have things “done” to me. I have proven that I have been able to make some changes in the community in the past and get to better places, so I need to pull from that.

We are initially looking at a 6-8 week admission

With the main focus being on the second ward that they have where patients are in either “progression” or “transition”

Sadly due to my current physical health, I will have to spend a bit of time on the acute ward (if the admission happens), but she did say that we would try to keep it to as short a time as possible due to the environment on there and needing me to get more practical support which happens on the other ward. Although we have to be careful not to slip into old grooves of trying to do too much too soon/expecting too much of myself and putting on a front.

In terms of when there might be a bed, this is an issue, especially as EDU beds are so short at the moment…

She said that the next bed under her is likely not for another MONTH.

Yes, a month.

She said that she was quite worried about my current “frail” state and that there is really no wiggle room at all and that if I want to have an admission there then I need to be holding my own in the community in terms of my weight and bloods not dropping anymore.  

I didn’t post about this before but on Friday afternoon I had a phone call offering me a bed at a unit in London for Monday….I was given 20 minutes to decide whether to take it or not. As you can tell I turned down it down (after talking to a few people) and my parents agreed with my decision, especially with the meeting at the priory only a few days away.

My consultant obviously brought this up and we talked about it for a little bit but yeah it is what it is *shrugs*

After about 20 minutes she took me onto the acute ward and we met with the charge nurse who was able to talk to me a bit more about the ward, what things would be involved in an admission and what would be expected, as well as answering my many questions that I had noted down.

It made me feel quite sad when my consultant described me as having a “severe and enduring eating disorder (SEED)”. idk. reality checks like this really suck.

The admission on the acute side, like I mentioned, would be kept to a minimum, however it all depends on how I am coping and what the staff think is best for me.

She gave me a handout with the timetable on and we talked a bit about how things work on the ward, social outings, the groups etc. which there are a few of, not a huge amount/not very much OT but there are at least some trips out each week and visitors are allowed.

I also had a chance to talk about a number of my worries, including that I tend to put on a front and act the good girl/perfect patient and shut off from staff and not want to make a fuss. She couldn’t answer any questions about meal plans or increasing or stuff like that as it is apparently all done on an individual basis after an initial assessment with the dietitian on admission.

In general though the food is pretty similar to what it was when I was there 6 years ago; you do your menu/have to make choices every morning for the day ahead - one light meal and one main meal - you can choose to have your main at lunch or dinner, depending on what the choices are for the day (it is the same food for the rest of the hospital). You start eating in the upstairs kitchen on acute but then you move downstairs to the restaurant when you are on the full meal plan and managing well enough.

I’m not going to lie, it was very hard being on the ward. very hard. There were a lot of very unwell patients, a number with NG tubes…and, idk, I suppose it brought it home a little more how real it all is?? although at the same time I still feel incredibly numb/emotionless.

After speaking with the nurse for a while, I went over to the progression/transition ward where I was able to speak to someone who is being discharged soon, which was really helpful.

She was so lovely and showed me around the kitchen, talked about how the ward works, her bedroom, the rules, how her time has been etc.

It is similar to when I was there 6 years ago but with quite a lot more in terms of therapy/OT input as well self catering snacks and having your own cupboards for food, having the opportunity to bake with the OT, be more independent etc. (although kind of annoyed that apparently the internet is still terrible there and the lack of signal too - boo)

I am still waiting for the unit to send over the patient handbook they said that they would get to me, which is a bit annoying but I am still suffering from information overload tbh so it is probably a good thing.

It was A LOT to try to take in over a short space of time.

I am still trying to process the whole experience: being on the ward (which I did find quite triggering even for just that short period of time), the other patients, the programme, the opportunities, as well as the potential reality of me actually being admitted.

My consultant was honest with me and said that although I am ear marked for the bed in a month’s time, she cannot promise anything as you never know what happens.

In all honesty, if I was offered a bed there for next week I think I would take it…

However we are talking a month at the very least…

which is quite a long way away and it is really messing with my head and causing me quite a lot of mixed/messy thoughts

The programme itself looks/sounds A LOT better than what I experienced at the Bethlem last year, especially with the acute, progression and transition elements fully “up and running” (when I was there it was quite new) so in that sense is much better.

They also seem a lot more supportive in general/have made changes from when I was there last for the better (?)

To be totally honest I don’t know where this leaves me now. L (EDP) wasn’t there so I won’t see her/talk to her about where this leaves everything until next Monday.

However from our session this week i do know that this does not mean that I can sit and allow anorexia to dictate everything and keep me stuck. As L keeps reiterating to me, I have to be making changes.

It is not that I don’t want to get better, I have just gotten so bloody stuck and feel so trapped and alone.

That is one thing that would be helpful in terms of a short admission - it would hopefully be a push in the right direction that I could then maybe continue from at home in the community. and not to mention that it would also give my parents a bit of a break from everything.

In terms of therapy I dont think there would be any 1:1 due to the short period of time I would be there. Although she did say that the length of admission is always up for discussion and it would all depend on how my OP workers want to work and how I am managing on the ward/if I can transfer it home on leave.

idrk how to feel right now. Or how I do feel. It is all so overwhelming and a lot to try to take in

I don’t want to have an admission but evidence is piling up that staying in the community really isn’t working and every person in my team (as well as my parents) are convinced I will be going in :(

And I suppose that is all there is to say really. I am left feeling a little clearer in some ways but at the same time not so much? it’s messy

and I am beyond tired after two very long and exhausting/tiring days. I know I can’t sit around and wait to try to process everything that is happening but I feel like I really need to press a pause button for a while in order to catch up with myself (which I know is never going to happen)

as we all know, there will always be another excuse or reason to put things off. Another reason why we are ‘different’ to others or why there are other people who deserve support more.

But it is all noise from anorexia to try to keep us trapped and stuck for even longer.

I am so tired of this existence. the thought of another admission terrifies me but not as much as a life time spent trapped here.

I wish that I had a positive revelation to end this on but alas, I have nothing. All I want is my bed and a good night’s sleep right now and some magic answer to whisk this all away (if only eh?). Thank you for all your messages of support and kindness over the past few days, it has meant more than I can express to know that I have not been alone in this x

[pinkpaganofficial-blog]

Content and trigger warnings for:

- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia

- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)

- abandonment by friends

- feeling repression

~~~\\

So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.

I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).

And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.

I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.

When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.

When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.

Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.

My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.

In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.

It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.

A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.

But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.

I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.

I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.

Moral of the story is:

Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.

Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.

Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.

Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.

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The Helen Keller Guide To Joy

Joy and happiness is actually thus interesting, due to the fact that we all have other tips about what it is and also how you can obtain this. It's likewise no surprise that this's the Nr.1 market value for Barrier's culture, if you see our slidedeck about this. So normally our experts are consumed from it. There is actually much in my history to suggest that I ought to be happy with the great things I have had, and also I certainly am actually to a degree, yet I was actually never totally pleased along with myself and also my objective in lifestyle. As our team are actually still in January (merely!) I chose today to write a listing of a number of the important things that produce me delighted. If you do not see a solid woman who is content along with her life precisely as it is actually, you need to make some significant changes.

You're the reason I have not lost my thoughts currently, you produce me satisfied and you were actually CONSISTENTLY there certainly for me pass on. Males are actually very stubborn and possess big prides, so that is actually challenging for them to allow anybody to create them do one thing. Marketing is important, however one of the most vital is the gigs you do, due to the fact that there is actually constantly an individual in the reader that is actually setting up a gathering in the near future and also need to have an excellent performer. When I had every little thing that I assumed was actually significant in lifestyle, this was a true struggle for me to comprehend why I had not been satisfied. I tell you ... whenever you create an initiative to boost the high quality your creature and also lifestyle, whether this is cleaning up the house, aiding your parents, caring for an unwell friend, falling short on examinations and trying once again, life offers you equivalent factors for that. I am actually sad or not delighted/ Just up or even down/ And consistently negative," she vocalizes on the hazy ballad Happy." And the cd checks out just that, the spaces and also seems between low as well as satisfied. But to be happy our team must unlearn everything our team've ever considered or maybe resided about contentment. Utilize them as self motivation workout if you want to get the needed self motivation skill-sets, which are going to assist you to end up being a much more healthy and balanced and satisfied individual. Females regularly contrast themselves to mistress, when you look at mistress when she's about, you will definitely make her feeling as though she is actually unsatisfactory. Many studies present that becoming an optimist will certainly create you a less prone to anxiety or anxiety, be more prosperous, as well as a lot far healthier each physically and also mentally. Considering that they have given me so numerous satisfied opportunities throughout, I could sit near a heap from manuals as well as be actually satisfied is all I am actually claiming; perhaps that is actually. Every little thing that we are actually for ... love, rely on, peace, empathy, contentment, empowers our team, and every little thing that our experts protest ... hate, anger, question, fear, deteriorates our team. Currently opt for: HAPPY or even UNHAPPY. Acquire well-being as well as precautionary treatment insurance plan and also aids to abide by Obamacare. Andrew was actually consistently therefore pleased that this experienced especially jarring when he entered into some of his sulky moods. And also if you intend to create your guy satisfied in the true feeling, then you will have to make sure changes in you. Caution needs to be taken, nonetheless, when seeking to fight a curse, as unskilled casters could really magnify that and also create this much worse. If you loved this information and you would certainly such as to obtain additional information concerning yellow pages personal numbers uk (click through the up coming page) kindly visit our own web site. Folks toss colours on each other and also wish Satisfied Holi." Individuals likewise create unique recipes at their property and also eat with their good friends. My guy left me as well as informed me mores than I was ravaged as I adored him a great deal I determined to talk to a spelI wheel and also I met a buddy which told me of a terrific medical professional as well as I made a decision to contact him and also he told me in three days my guy will phone me as well as scrounge me to acept him I assumed he was actually poking fun in 3 days everything occurred as he claimed I am actually therefore satisfied can easily likewise contact him at; efespelltemple @ for any type of sort of support, or even call +2348106985072. However if you still enjoy the man as well as wish him back you can not permit him know you are angry and also injured, however that doesn't indicate you can't make him possess the sensation from rejection as well as reduction. If you don't need to make any sort of more funds and you are actually satisfied along with your current earnings yet sooner or even later you are going to require some additional loan, also. Obtain creative or discover a tune you love conveying your feelings and also perform that to all of them. She gives them every opportunity to make her delighted considering that she understands this makes them delighted. Allow the above twelve love quotes suggest of just how you think about your familied member this Sweetest Time. He could seem to be definitely crazy with you, however the concern is actually that the rash means of Aries might create him assume that is actually over only an infatuation. All the same, if you are annoyed and also regularly unhappy due to your work, set out to earn a modification, either within yourself or even in a brand new task. I offered as well as offered when she abused me. I maintained silent, aimed to keep the tranquility, I attempted to create her pleased, create her market value me. That is actually not my mistake!" I informed myself for a long times as I indulged self-pity. Don't obtain me wrong, I could possibly acquire hammered along with the most effective of all of them and also gathering on the weekend breaks, but alcohol addiction never received me either. In the event that this is actually not present, one of all of them or each of them are going to not enjoy as well as they might even split. For additional love quotes, check out the prominent affection estimates part at, an internet site that focuses on 'Top 10' lists of estimates in dozens of classifications. Considering that he proposed to me final evening, genuinely i am quite satisfied that our experts are actually together today. I was actually mesmerized in the struggle from my day-to-day life - pretty literally deciding to make it a struggle without ever before discovering that's exactly what I was doing. Climaxes also brighten the minds like a X-mas plant, and also has been scientifically proven making our company Far healthier is our team have sex once a week. When I look back at my lifestyle, twenty years eventually, I discover that I definitely had no concept that I was or just what created me satisfied. There are actually plenty of factors that may help make everyone delighted, however to pick among the might be the hardest part. By performing normal exercise you modify your physiology, you change your physical body chemicals, which will make you think other, so you start concentrating on other points. Perhaps you are actually to cook delicious meals at my favorite dining establishment (which makes me satisfied) and while you are actually creating excellent food, your insides are agonizing along with pleasure! I marvelled - not perform I think that obtaining that good ladies handbag or even set from footwears (that I never put on, because in the outlet I believe 'naturally I could walk in these heels' and also acquire the home of locate I can't stroll and also they injure!!) will certainly create me delighted. The limitless sacrifices that a papa creates to ensure his family enjoys makes you question just what our team would do without him. Consume dark chocolate with out sense of guilt, be nise to decrease spent individuals and also create them experience included, Inform police officers what you realy believe!