#maybe one day ill become a blog people follow for art again

[preraphaeliteknight]

I've spent a few days thinking about what to do moving forward. It's not the breakup of a celebrity couple that's affected me the most, it's the feeling of losing my safe space in the Tumblr Swiftie fandom. Every time I've logged onto this app in the last few days I've flinched and quickly exited the dash to get away from yet another take mocking and ridiculing Joe. Or minimizing his very valid fears. "Unbothered 3.0". Rewriting history to make the last 6 years seem insignificant. Comparing him to CH as if petty jealousy is the issue here and not years of harassment. Celebrating the return of Taylor Swift, The Brand, no matter what that means for her future happiness. And circulating pressers that make it sound like Joe was a therapy dog who's no longer needed. All of which is making me feel physically ill. For both of them. And even when this stuff isn't coming from the people I follow (who for the most part have nuanced and fair takes), it's coming from their anons. And no matter what I do I can't get away from the outright cruelty and shocking lack of empathy for the person Taylor has credited with saving her life. Even though swifties know better than anyone what Joe has had to put up with for over half a decade. Given that treatment, I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that this is how he's being discarded. But fuck it hurts. So where does this leave me? This blog was never supposed to be an update account or an ask blog. I just wanted a space to fangirl over my favorite actor. But in the last few months this has become a space for Joe fans to be excited for his upcoming projects and clown over castings (remember a few weeks ago when we were giddily figuring out his next movie because of insta follows? yeah, take me back to that please). And I know some of you rely on this blog as a space to both appreciate Joe and vent your frustrations with his unfair treatment. I have 70+ asks in my inbox right now, the vast majority of which are well written, thoughtful takes on what's been happening. And I agree with pretty much all of it. Thank you for taking the time to send me your thoughts. But the truth is, I simply don't have the emotional capacity to reply to them right now. I can't do it. I can't talk and think and dwell on this. To quote a song that's too painful to listen to right now: "I'm just too soft for all of it." So I feel like I have two options if I ever want to be able to be active on Tumblr again: 1. Unfollow all swifties. Because just seeing pictures of Taylor (especially from the pap walk) makes me feel ill. And it's affecting my opinion of her even though I'm mad at her fans, and not her. And I don't want that to happen or the music to be tarnished. But I also don't want to break mutuals and hurt someone's feelings. And I want to know what's going on with Taylor. I'm a huge fan of her too, and I want to be excited for tour and the re-recordings. So that's why I'm going with option 2: Take a proper break. A real one, this time. Hopefully this all won't feel so hard with some time and distance. I don't know if it will solve anything, because swifties will get back to talking about Joe in the future (whenever she makes art about this) and then I'll probably have to flinch every time I open this app again. Because he will have been reduced to yet another ex swifties can make fun of. So maybe I have to go with both options in the end. If I do, I hope any mutuals out there know not to take it personally. I wish more than anything that I could return to the days of being a casual fan who wouldn't have thought twice about any of this. And maybe that's what I need to try to get back to. For my own sanity's sake. I'm sorry to any Joe fans out there who need a place to vent. I feel like I'm letting you down, but I just can't do this right now. Maybe I'll be able to in the future. Maybe I'll leave this blog and go back to my main instead where the subjects will be more varied. I don't know. I'll always be a Joe fan though, and no shitty presser or swiftie narrative is going to change that.

Please just be kind to each other, and to Taylor and Joe. Let's hope the best for both of them, and please please please don't tarnish all the good that this relationship gave them. And all the beautiful music it gave us.

All my love

[accidentalslayer]

🎃 Some changes coming to this blog 🎃

TL;DR Summary: You might notice me branching out into new topics or areas of interest now that I'm no longer writing TVD fanfiction. The overall vibe of this blog might alter a little. Although, I'll still be fall & autumn posting until the day I die and well into the afterlife if there is one. Things leaving: TVD fanfiction, my personal fanfiction, vampire stuff unless I feel like talking about them. Things possibly being introduced: More shitposting, mental illness related posts about my feelings on stuff, art maybe??? A journal on my adventures in lucid dreaming, shifting, and astral projection????* *That might turn into a whole new blog tbh. I don't know if any of my followers would enjoy listening to me babble about weird dream crap.

Read below for an expanded discourse about my ideas on what will change.

So! I've kind of run out of steam when it comes to writing fanfiction for TVD. Netflix eradicating the show from their streaming services kind of slammed down the final coffin nail on my muse, so to speak, & I was really bummed when I found out yesterday. This blog started out as a TVD/Originals sanctuary for me, after all... But it's grown into something more now. It's become a place where I can express feelings & thoughts that I've had hiding inside me but never felt safe enough to say out loud. And I've had so much fun with Autumn aesthetics; turning this blog into a Fall paradise has improved my mood in so many ways! Whenever I'm depressed, I just look at my blog and imagine that I'm relaxing in my pumpkin patch, far away from the noise and troubles of the world. & I've also made a couple of friends along the way here! Looking at you guys: @king-yandere and @margueritetheduchess05💖

The question remains, however. If I won't be writing about vampires anymore, then where do I go from here? What should I do? It's a solid fact that I go insane if I'm not actively engaging with my creativity in some way. Last night, the only thing I did was brainstorm, and stress myself out trying to think of SOMETHING. Today, I think I finally have a game plan. so lemme lay it out for you. Or rather, me. I don't know if anyone is actually reading this LOL. 🎃 "Accidentalslayer" name will still remain along with blog title. My autumn & spooky aesthetics are here to stay. I might reblog people's fanfics from time to time but I think I'm moving away from writing fic myself. Besides, it didn't feel very rewarding if I'm honest. I got very little engagement on my chapters. So, if I ever DO write another story on this blog again, it'll be definitely be an original fiction. My pumpkin hat off to fanfiction writers everywhere, though! A LOT of effort, time, and research goes into fanfic that readers will never know about... 🎃 It's already been there on the periphery but I think this blog might just turn into my main shitposting/journal outlet for talking about my mundane experiences. Mental illness, funny thoughts, & feelings that visit my brain every day. If I can somehow get my "art brain" to work again, I might post art here, idk. 🎃 I'm a spiritual hoe. I love talking about witchcraft, tarot, and lucid dreaming but I'm not really sure this blog is where I should talk about that stuff. I have @flowercrone for all my tarot/PAC readings but I've really REALLY started to take an interest in astral projection, shifting, and lucid dreaming. I even started a journal recently to document all my experiences. I should probably start another blog that's dedicated JUST to shifting and astral projection, idk. If you've gotten this far in the post, you're loved beyond belief right now. 💖 Please feel free to send suggestions to me in my asks if you have any ideas about anything I've written in this post.

[destinyc1020]

I have to disagree with that anon about defending the critics. I get their overall point that of course applies to most journalists, but quite a few with TCR were downright nasty. Calling it an 'overlong sob story' absolutely implies a total lack of empathy in the writer. As someone who deals with mental illness, a disorder that is not DID but that is similarly trauma based, the reviews slamming it (which, again, were not the majority - I think out of the ones I read there were about 5 that were unfortunately snarky instead of thoughtful) were borderline ableist to me in the way they approached their critiques. I could tell that those critics not only did not have experience with mental illness, but that they lacked empathy as well. It is just a huge, huge bummer to see modern film and tv criticism turn into a battle over who can create the most scathing headline, it disrespects the hard work done by people who come together to make art.

I'm so glad Akiva did that interview. For my part, it made me feel a lot less alone. The whole show did. It was well made and well acted, the production design was on point, I think the writing was compelling too. Even with the flaws, I don't think it remotely deserved those handful of critics trying so hard to tear it apart. I'm so glad that it seems to have found success in audiences - and I honestly worry about RT scores not just for this project, but for all. I don't think RT is a great method to determine if something is watchable or not. I loved Martin Scorcese's take on RottenTomatoes and other aggregate sites. He went in pretty hard and called them a disgusting spectacle, and lol while I wouldn't be that hyperbolic, I think he has a point! Scores and numbers should not dictate the value of a show or film. I kind of wish we could get rid of the scoring system and just rely on actually reading critic articles instead - I think that would encourage people to think more critically and also to think more for themselves.

Also just want to say I love your blog Destiny! You always have such a great and balanced view of things and it's just appreciated in this fandom

First of all Anon, I'm so sorry that you went through whatever trauma that you've endured, and I hope you are getting any help that you need for any mental/emotional struggles that you go through. 🥰❤️

As you know, that's something that touches me deeply, so I do hope that my followers are doing well, and taking good care of themselves, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. 😊

Anyway, I can see how someone who has the background that you have could view the reviews for TCR as a bit harsh and unsympathetic...maybe downright apathetic even.

I agree that sometimes SOME critics may forget that real people deal with these issues that are being depicted in these films that they watch. Honestly? I think when you watch as many films/TV shows that they have to watch and critique, I think it can sometimes make you a bit calloused and it just becomes a bit of a "job". Unless something really grabs you and your attention from jump, it might become a bit redundant watching film after film, project after project. Don't forget too that some of the critics were more so taking out their anger and frustration at Akiva and the "rules" that were set forth w/regards to not mentioning DID at all in their reviews. To their defense, it IS a bit hard to write a review for TCR WITHOUT mentioning the fact that Danny is suffering from DID. Nearly MOST of the series is Danny talking to his therapist, and trying to pretend that the series isn't about helping a person with DID come to the realization of his past and his condition is kind of challenging, ngl. It still doesn't make the reviews any less hurtful though, so I get it.

At this point, I just think that as long as you (the viewer) enjoyed the series, that's all that really matters at the end of the day. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Also just want to say I love your blog Destiny! You always have such a great and balanced view of things and it's just appreciated in this fandom

Aww...thanks sis. ❤️

[stemmmm]

big fail year for art if im gonna be completely honest but im trying not to let it get to me because these past 2 years have been a fucking nightmare so it's only reasonable I don't do as well. plus i've been learning a completely different medium which is creatively exhausting

[lesbianbernardsumner]

I guess its over now, but it couldn’t have been that bad right?! After all, I’m still here, and you all helped me through it!!

alright this is gonna be messy and im not gonna autocorrect/proofread it but heres the essay on why i loved 2020.... While 2020 was, pretty objectively, one of the worst years for modern humanity. The obvious virus and all its, various strands of natural disasters, impending war threat, gender reveal parties, you get the gist. But i would love to just... look back and see how it treated me. See how it ran :). January/Febuary/March - the months are bunched up cause the least amount of stuff happened in them, but thats not to say that the stuff wasnt... good!!!! After all I met my first online friend (that im still friends with of course) @smilez4milez..! I cannot believe you withstood me for so long tbh........... youve been here the whole time!!!! thats obviously an achievemnt!!! Our circumstances for our meeting do not matter... trust me. April - Got my gender transed and i then id’d as demigirl!! and also had a birthday, i turned a whole year..... i believe this was also the time i... started using discord??? yeah, that sounds right :0) May/June - OOOH WEE DISK HOARD AAAAAAAAA. Ahem, Miles got me into Chuck E. Cheese and the Rock-Afire Explosion, i hold those special interests dear and close to my heart. Around the time i also made friends with @teamgay0tix (<3). Miles decided that he was gonna make an animatronic discord server. Titled the Robot Zone, Miles employed Sarah, Me, and another friendo named Teddy as the moderators. Not long after i met... so so many cool and epic people... uh off the top of my head @worthape, @bahrlee, @boredwiththislifetime, @retrowormz, @knave-woods, @verae. Not all of those were met in May/June but yknow gotta save time >:) and im sure im missing someone gdvhbuydhbdyh. WE UH RP’D AS CEC/RAE CHARACTERS!!!!! THAT WAS FUN :)!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE MUCH ELSE TO SAY AS MAY AND JUNE WERE SIMILAR MOTNHS IN TERMS OF FUN. SYHBDREYS. Oh and my laptop broke! So I was on my iPad for about 3 months!! Also my gender got transed AGAIN!!! I then-ID’d as genderfluid :o). July - HI CASPER @arcadecarpetz!!! THIS WAS THE MONTH WE FIRST MET!!! WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT INTERACTION </3. So I got into the beatles late June/early July!! looks at my url lookat how that turned out huh...  Other things that happened during this month include... meeting @lovecore-ashe!!!!! I joined a certain discord server for a certain emoji blog we both happened to follow and... July was great i dunno why im being all stingy with the details etvfertyghdb August - Oh boy!! I discovered some cool epic things about myself (Emp knows.)!! got much better in the art department too!! I believe I also made friemnds with @hmmdotjpg here! They’re cool! Otherwise not much actually happened. Oh and @verae I FUCKING LOVE YOU/p September - HA! Here is when I got my shiny new laptop :), and with it i also got into Clone High!! Started to also get into Yellow Submarine, a movie which, I enjoy :). And a certain yellow submarine insta post got me and @arcadecarpetz to meet again!!! Now we’re on much better terms!! heh-. This month I left the Robot Zone, no matter how much it hurt, I simply didn’t want to be there anymore. I had got way too into animatronics and I was... very... very... burnt out. The final days of this month were good, I rewatched Yellow Submarine after a 10-Year Hiatus. It was good! :) October - SPOOK!!! HA!!! -COUGH- So you know how The Beatles like broke up in 1970... yeah i got into one of the bands made after them.... Wings good. I made a few more drawings for arcadecasper that im especially proud of, uh... OH YEAH AND I MADE A KETCHUP PRIDE FLAG FOR EMPRESS!!!!!!!! It is also now my most popular post! Cool!/gen .Two of my friends approached me and said they got into the beatles because of me that was pretty swagchamp. November - All of my memories from this month are MUSH. i literally dont remember what happened <3... oh wait yeah we got hte evil man out of office... that was preddy epic... OH RIGHT DESTIEL- December - My favorite season!! The end of the year was pretty swell. It was like everything good that happened to me was settling, getting cozier, just... being better. Like gently stirring the salt in a soup bowl... okay thats a weird analogy- I got into lemon demon too! And uh very glad i did. cause now i can say that cabinet man wishes you a karkalicious 2009 and i can actually understand it./j And all the lessons from all my friends I (probably indirectly) learnt this year... Like @smilez4milez!! You taught me to always be proud and glad!!! @teamgay0tix you taught me that affection always overpowers hatred. @boredwiththislifetime, no matter what your friend is doing, as long as its not hurting anyone, support them!!! @bahrlee, become a vampire/j. @hmmdotjpg, changing for yourself is more important than becoming someone you arent in front of other people. @worthape i dunno... i... bugs???? Im just glad you were here too :). @retrowormz you kinda just made me funnier!!! @knave-woods bro i literally idolize you tsygvfbsyh. @lovecore-ashe, drink ketchup and dont give a shit about what everyone else thinks/hj!! @verae, !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DUNNO WHAT TO SAY YOURE LITERALLY JUST MY BEST FRIEND GSYHVFTEYWSH and of course, last but most certainly not least, Casper @arcadecarpetz WHERE DO I START ON HOW EPIC AND SWAG AND POGGERS YOU ARE AND HOW GREAT YOU HELPED MAKE THESE LAST FEW MONTHS... HHM- Well, maybe ill just leave it at “You pretty much taught me how to not be a jerk” okay!!! Man i got really sappy here wgvrtedgyshb I’m not sure if any of that is comprehensible!!! Its 2pm and i still havent actually started the day, but i wanted to write all of this down before it left my head. I know im missing probably important stuff but yknow... i have brainworms :O/j You are all... so cool... i just wanted to get that out...

[yoon-kooks]

Witch Hazel- Pt.6

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: FanficWriter!Jungkook, Idol!Reader, College!AU, Angst, Fluff

Summary: There are two students in your art class with a secret: you and the quiet Jeon Jungkook. You’re a problematic idol singer, infamous for your ice cold reputation and perpetual resting bitch face; he’s the artist and author behind the viral comic series based on a certain ice queen idol. After a blowup of destructive rumors, lost motivation and inevitable solitude, you stumble upon Jungkook’s comic and find a new and unexpected light.

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: none

Parts: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // ?

A/N: i’ve had mixed feelings about the tumblr fic community as of late :/ but heres something to read🥺

-

Holding the boy’s pinky in your own, you stare once more at his drawing of you with your guitar and flower crown—a superhero to those whom you shared your music with.

No. Your music hasn’t saved anyone. You’ve never been a hero to anyone. If anything, you’re the one who needs to be saved. You’d always thought you could grow strong enough to save yourself if you just closed yourself off from the world and did everything on your own. But in the end, that only seemed to hurt you more.

You should’ve known. It’s okay to ask for help, to reach out, to let him in.

“A few years ago, I had a thought. It wasn’t a very smart thought, but I decided I wanted to share part of myself with the world. I thought about the different ways I could go about that, but the way that made the most sense for me was music,” you say, finally letting go of Jungkook’s pinky and making yourself awfully comfortable on a bed that doesn’t belong to you. “So I auditioned for Polar Entertainment. Not to be an idol, but to be a songwriter.”

Jungkook doesn’t say anything, but he nods as if it’s not a shock to him, as if he saw it as “a Y/N thing to do.” At the same time, his gentle eyes wait for you to continue, curious to know what’ll happen next.

“Do you remember the song you heard me singing the other day in the music room?”

Jungkook cracks a smirk and starts singing your song word for word in a surprisingly in-tune whisper. Oh, he remembers it alright, and he’ll apparently never let you live it down. He doesn’t stop until you throw one of the balled-up blankets at his face.

“That was the first time I picked up my guitar and sang that song since being rejected at the audition.”

“I can imagine how scarring that would be. Rejection,” he shudders at the word, though you’re sure he knows little about the feeling with art skills as professional as his. “They really didn’t like you though?”

“They liked certain parts of me.” Your vocals, your beauty, your body. “But not the ones that mattered.” Your music, your creativity, your personality. You.

“That’s their loss,” Jungkook says in the midst of a yawn, practically inaudible. But you heard him.

“Maybe they had a point,” you say, looking up at the ceiling. “Because when I look back to that time, it was quite foolish of me to believe my music would reach anyone when it came from a place of desperation, not my heart. The song was a plea for help, not one that would save others.”

“What made you suddenly sing it again after all this time?”

You grab hold of the boy’s hand and form yet another pinky promise. “Promise you won’t laugh at me for my reason.”

“I can’t promise you that,” he says with the straightest face. He’s ready to burst out laughing again and you know it.

“Then I won’t tell you.” With a hmph, you bury yourself under the fluffiest blanket. You wonder how he would’ve reacted if you told him it was that dang jk.seagull and his fanfic that gave you the courage to sing again, to go back to your roots, to follow your love of creating music. It’d obviously sound ridiculous to admit it out loud, but the joy you feel from reading Witch Hazel is what reminds you of the very thing you want to provide others with—happiness.

And that’s perhaps all the encouragement you needed to start sharing your music again.

“I won’t tell you what it was exactly that made me do it, but I’ll tell you why,” you peek your head back out of the blankets to see the boy still waiting patiently for an answer. “I wanted to move on… from the failure I faced that day. That way, I can finally become that superhero you speak of.”

You place the drawing of your superhero self onto the nightstand so that it doesn’t get crinkled up on the bed. No, she’s not a superhero yet. But she will be someday.

“I’ll look forward to it.”

“You better not tell anyone,” you remind him. “This isn’t something I share with other people. Ever.”

“I won’t tell anyone,” he assures you, with not only his words but also his warmth.

“Good.” You smile whilst closing your eyes. You meant to tell him that he could confide in you too, but the warmth pulls you into a deep slumber before you could do so.

-

It’s been a minute since you’ve awoken in someone else’s bed, though this is the first time you aren’t all wrapped up in their embrace. Rather, half the boy’s body is hanging off the side of the bed for dear life while you’re right smack in the middle, all bundled up in one of the blankets.

If you wanted to, you could push him over the edge with the tiniest tap of your foot—that’s how close he is to falling. But as tempting as it would be to get even with the boy who teases you to no end, you opt to quietly check your phone without disturbing him.

To your surprise, you have two new notifications: a text from Seokjin earlier this morning and a late-night update from jk.seagull posted sometime after you had passed out. You’ve always been the type to take care of work obligations before indulging in guilty pleasures, so you open Seokjin’s text first.

6:04AM jinnie “so jimin’s manager reached out to me”

6:05AM jinnie “and you want to collab with jimin?”

7:12AM Y/N “oh yeah i asked him to have his manager contact you”

7:13AM Y/N “but i guess i forgot to tell you LOL”

It’s not that you forgot. You were just hesitant to tell your manager about it yourself. Because if possible, you’d like to minimize your own company’s involvement in this top-secret scheme of yours.

7:15AM jinnie “are you up to something?”

7:15AM Y/N “mayhaps”

7:16AM Y/N “but dont tell boss lady pls”

7:17AM jinnie “shes going to find out one way or another”

7:19AM Y/N “thats true 🤔 ”

7:20AM Y/N “well tbh knowing her, she’d probably approve of the collab anyway since it should clear up those dating rumors while (hopefully) appealing to jimin’s fanbase”

7:21AM Y/N “just dont tell her the logistics of the collab”

7:21AM jinnie “what are you scheming lmao”

7:22AM Y/N “youll see”

7:22AM jinnie “ 😒 dont get me or yourself in trouble Y/N”

7:23AM Y/N “i wont! i promise! 🥺 ”

7:24AM jinnie “okay fine”

7:25AM jinnie “ill arrange a meeting with jimin and his manager to discuss everything formally”

As you move on to the more exciting notification on your phone, you see that the sleeping Jungkook has slipped several inches closer to falling flat on his face. Maybe you’ll save him from his impending doom. Maybe you won’t. But that’ll have to wait until after you see what jk.seagull had to say on his blog.

“do you ever think back to that one time in math camp when a little girl screamed in your face that she hated math and wanted to become a musician instead? apparently she somehow confused ‘musician’ with ‘mathematician’ LMAO”

You aren’t sure what provoked the silly seagull guy to share such a random thought, but you do get a good laugh out of it. After all, you can totally relate as someone who went to math camp one summer despite knowing in your heart what you truly wanted to do-

Wait.

“Jungkook,” you say in a half-hushed, half-urgent tone, though calling his name wouldn’t be what actually wakes him from his slumber. “I think I know who the seagull guy is.”

Thud. You swear on your life you didn’t lay a finger on the boy when he fell, despite all the devilish thoughts you had about it earlier. He fell on his own. You’re innocent. Therefore, you have a right to laugh.

“Are you okay?” you snicker, peering down from the bed at the dazed boy. He might have been the biggest klutz for rolling off the bed and stumbling around to find his glasses, but holy shit. His wild bedhead and scattered blankets across the floor make it seem as though the two of you had a lot more than just an innocent heart-to-heart in his bed last night.

“I’m fine,” he stretches his arms and combs the bedhead out. Yes, he is fine. “But, uhh, what’s this about that seagull guy?”

“I think I know him.” You expect Jungkook to be as excited as you are, but he just seems kind of puzzled—perhaps from his lack of sleep.

“…and how did you come to that conclusion…?” he asks. Or maybe he doesn’t believe you.

“You didn’t see the post! Look at the post.” You join the boy down on the floor and make yourself at home there with your phone and some of the fallen blankets. He leans over your shoulder to read the infamous post you won’t shut up about.

“Math camp?” Jungkook continues to squint at the cryptic message before chuckling. “Also, did that girl seriously confuse musician with mathematician?”

“Stop laughing! That dumbass was me.” Now you wish you had kicked his ass off the bed.

He stops laughing, not because you told him to but because he’s mildly shook. “What?”

You take a deep breath in because you know you’re setting yourself up to be clowned for the rest of your fucking life. “When I was like ten, I told my parents that I wanted to be a mathematician, thinking that word meant musician. So they signed me up for camp that summer.”

“Did you ever stop to think that mathematician has the word math in it and not mu-”

You interrupt the boy’s unwelcomed commentary with an air-punch to his guts before continuing on as if nothing happened. “I was so excited until I got there. It was absolutely mortifying to learn that it was a math camp, not a music camp.”

“I like this story,” he nods with his arms guarding himself in anticipation of another air-jab as you square up.

“Still, I tried to make the best out of the situation since I was actually kind of good at math,” you say. “The camp director even told me I’d make a great math professor one day.”

“I can’t imagine you as a math professor.” He settles down with all the chuckling.

“I couldn’t either, so I ran off to an empty room where I thought I could escape without anyone finding me,” you soften your tone. “But somehow a crying, wandering boy found me.”

“Was it the seagull?”

“Maybe. All I remember was hearing music playing from somewhere outside. I sang along as a way to comfort and distract myself from the whole math situation, but it seemed to cheer up the boy as well.”

“Your voice does have that effect, you know.”

“He told me the same thing.” You can’t help but smile a little at the compliment. “But in that moment, it felt like my dream had a purpose beyond fueling my own desires. And I needed to share it with someone. Anyone.”

“So you shared it with the boy?”

You nod. “I told him my dream was to be a mathematician, but he knew what I meant.”

“Did he at least clown you first?”

“He did. He laughed right in my face, and at first I thought he was a jerk for making fun of my dream. But after he kindly taught me the difference between musician and mathematician, I announced my actual dream to him and him alone.”

“And how’d he respond?”

“He said it was cool beans.”

“He said cool beans?”

“Those were his exact words, yes.”

“And that was it?”

“That’s all I can remember.”

“So you don’t even remember his name or anything?”

“We never introduced ourselves,” you shake your head. “I don’t remember his face either because it was covered by a hood and long hair.”

“That’s too bad,” Jungkook sighs. “I bet it really was that seagull guy after all.”

“I have a feeling it was him, too.”

It would be nice and awfully romantic if you had somehow crossed paths long ago with the very seagull who continues to inspire your craft with his own. But even if that isn’t the case, you’re content with having that memory and entrusting it with another boy who has done nothing but lift you up.

You lean yourself gently against the Jungkook’s shoulder as you slip your phone back into your pocket, debating on your next course of action. The two of you should be getting ready for class, but that doesn’t sound very appealing. There are other things you’d much rather be doing, like maybe thanking the boy for lending his ear. But for some reason, it’s still difficult for you to say those two simple words of gratitude.

Perhaps it’s difficult because there’s a lot more you’d say than just “thanks man.”

“Can we just cut class and get coffee instead?” Yes, you’ll thank him for his service by treating him to coffee. Unless…? What if this is just your subtle way of asking the boy out on a date? What if he says no because you’ve already spent way too much time with him in the past 24 hours? What if he hates coffee? What if he-

“We should probably go to class to turn in our project, yeah?” Jungkook brings up a good point. But the thing is, you don’t really have your priorities straight at the moment and your mind has only two things consuming it: coffee and boy. “But we can get coffee after class.”

“Ooh, good, because there’s this one coffee shop I want you to try!” You chirp up despite your nonexistent dose of morning caffeine. “It’ll be my treat as thanks for… letting me hog your bed.”

“Oh right... that,” Jungkook hops to his feet and starts tidying up said bed. You help by picking up and folding all of the blankets. “I nearly froze and fell to my death because of that, you know.”

“I saw,” you bite your lip, trying to mask any naughty thoughts that come to mind. Because next time, if there is in fact a next time, you won’t let the boy freeze.

-

By the time art class ends, the weight of the dreaded group project has been lifted and your craving for coffee begins to settle in once more. And apparently, the hunger and excitement is radiating off you because someone has the audacity to make a comment about it.

“Why does your face look like that?” Taehyung teases, but you’re mildly offended.

“Because I’m getting coffee from my favorite café. That’s why,” you hiss but there’s still a hidden glow about you and your excitement. “Coffee is to me as girls are to you, Taehyung.”

“Ooh, speaking of girls, do any cute girls work there?” He strokes his wise man beard. “Maybe I’ll tag along.”

“I don’t fucking know.” And even if you did know, you wouldn’t say yes.

“How boring,” he yawns while nudging the boy next to him. “Hey Jungkook, wanna go on a double date with me? I met a pair of gamer girls, but I don’t know all the nerdy gaming stuff that you know. And think about it, this could be the first time you get laid since-”

“Actually, Jungkook’s getting coffee with me,” you interrupt. And if you had been brave enough to look up at the boy as you spoke, you would have seen the healthy pink radiance on his cheeks.

“Oh, so the two of you are dating all of a sudden?” Taehyung nods, as if he had hit the mark.

Neither you or Jungkook give an immediate answer, probably due to the unspoken yet very apparent shift in dynamics between the two of you as of late. Yes, you’ve developed certain feelings for the boy, but no, you aren’t technically “dating.” You just hope he’s on the same page as you.

“It’s just coffee,” you want to say, but it comes out of Jungkook’s mouth instead. And even though you would’ve said the same exact thing, it hits a little different hearing it from him.

At the same time, coffee is coffee and Jungkook is Jungkook. You need to remind yourself that your craving for coffee with the boy will be satisfied, regardless of whether it’s a date or not. After all, “dating” is not an option for an idol who should only be focusing on her music and fans.

“Which drink would you recommend?” Jungkook asks as you lead him in the direction of the café.

“If you like coffee, all of the drinks are good in my humble opinion,” you say, though you realize you should probably give the boy a few specific suggestions to make his decision a little easier. “You can get a standard mocha or latte if you want something simple. Or, their signature hazelnut coffee is really really good. Or if you want something iced, you should try the cold brew because it’s literally the most refreshing dose of caffeine ever. Oh! But if you’re into something more plant-based, I suggest the maple oat-”

“You’re not narrowing down my options if you recommend the entire menu, Y/N,” the boy chuckles at your coffee enthusiast behavior.

“Well, here’s my thought process: if we go at least once a week after class, you can eventually try every drink on the menu by the end of the school year. Not including all the different types of milk options though.”

“I don’t know if I should be impressed or terrified that you even bothered to do that calculation.” His eyes are bigger and brighter than the sun. “But that must mean you really like coffee then, huh?”

“Of course! Is that even a question?” The snobby coffee enthusiast jumped out real quick. But even beyond the coffee, you did the calculation to see how long your little coffee not-dates with the boy could last before you have to return to your idol obligations. “You like coffee too, right?”

“Not really,” he sighs. Your jaw drops. Who the does he think he is? “Are there any tea options? Or like a banana milk or something?”

“You can’t just walk into a coffee shop and not order coffee.” Is this guy for real? No, he’s just fucking with you. Probably. “I better start reevaluating who I hang out with,” you say with a sarcastic hmph.

“I’m kidding, kind of.” He doesn’t do a very good job of reassuring you of that. “I like… coffee.”

“That hesitant pause doesn’t sit well with me, Jeon.” You raise an eyebrow at the suspicious boy. It feels nice to tease him for once. “Why are you grabbing coffee with me if you don’t love it?”

“I just curious about this coffee place,” he nudges you, “since someone seems to really enjoy it.”

So it’s because of you…

“Good to know I’ve successfully peer pressured you into consuming caffeine,” you hum, playing it off as if his words weren’t absorbed right into your heart. It was never about coffee.

It’s about you and him.

The thought of that makes your heart scream a little, so you hide your flustered face behind your phone as the two of you approach the coffee shop. You have an unread text from your manager.

2:35PM jinnie “good news”

2:36PM jinnie “i set up a meeting with jimin and his manager in an hour”

You stop in your tracks. That’s not good news. Well actually, it is good for your top secret collab. But the timing of it all is anything but good.

“Are you searching up the menu online? Oh wait, you already have the entire menu memorized from A to Z.” He thinks he’s funny. Now is not the time, Jeon. His teasing smile doesn’t disappear until the distress is written all over your face.

How do you cancel a not-a-date date without a proper explanation? How can you do that to a boy who has only ever done you right? The thing is, you don’t have to hurt him.

You can cancel the meeting, you can bail out on the collab, you can disappear from the idol world altogether if you choose to do so. And if you didn’t want to go that far, you could instead tell the boy of your deepest and darkest secret, of your idol identity, and he would surely understand your reasons for having to leave so suddenly for work.

You could do any of those things, but you decide not to. You won’t allow yourself to make such a rash decision, even if it’s the right one. So you decide to keep the meeting, you decide to keep your idol self hidden in the shadows, and you decide to abandon the boy.

[acadieum]

What exactly does "safe blog" mean?

lmaO honestly im kind of surprised it took this long to get a question about it 

but i’ll put it under a read more bc… yoinks..! it’s nothing bad though! 

it’s just a really long ramble about my blog’s origin story lol

but anyways, when i started this blog, it was actually a secondary blog for me! as in, it wasn’t the main blog i was using

at the time, my main blog was constantly stressing me out. i felt pressured to post constant “top-quality” art at a high frequency and of only one fandom in particular - that of which i was really losing interest in. 

like, i felt if i posted anything else (from a different fandom or a lower-quality doodle) or if i stopped posting in general, id be condemned or something- and that feeling was absolutely SUFFOCATING 

i always felt that i was being compared to other artists and that really fucked up my self-worth and my attitude towards my art. 

it didn’t help that people often didn’t respect me as an artist and would constantly repost my work without credit or permission. 

so i made a new blog to get away from it all, and that’s this blog!

i wanted a blog where i could just post about my interests and create art without feeling pressured to post or do art of a specific interest all the time. 

bc back then, id get so many asks saying “i didnt follow you for ___ content so stop posting it or im going to unfollow >:(” and younger me took it to heart and was incredibly vulnerable to it so i couldn’t POSSIBLY post other content

but on my new blog (aka this one!), i could! but at the early stage of this blog, sometimes, i would forget that i have the freedom to do so also.

so, as a reminder to myself, i put in my description that this was a “safe blog” to emphasize in my mind that there’s no need to feel pressure here. that i’m okay. that everything is okay! and that i can grow at my own pace. 

there’s no need to stress about posting art on a schedule or to post within a specific fandom. i could freely just be me, unlike my other blog, and thats why i deemed it a “safe” blog.

now, keep in mind, when i started this blog, i never knew it was going to blow up and i never intended for this blog to be a full-time thing!

it was SUPPOSED to be just another blog, a small one that i could go to just to have fun and to be myself. but i enjoyed it so much here that i never wanted to leave and this became my main!

this blog truly helped me become independent as an artist. i stopped worrying about what people wanted me to post and i posted about content that i liked and i drew things i enjoyed and i was happy!

this may seem like a simple thing, but it took me a long while to achieve this sort of free-spirited happiness with my blog content and my art

which is why i get so happy when you all enjoy the stuff that i post! whether it be the stuff i reblog, the art i create, or the silly text posts i put out! the welcome here was so heart-warming, i couldn’t bear to go back. 

the term “safe blog” is no longer necessary in my description, since i’m here all the time now and i’ve learned to love myself and the work i put out - but i just never brought myself to delete it honestly. maybe i will at some point in the future but i haven’t yet! so, yeah!

nowadays, i like to think that “safe blog” means kind of like a “only good vibes here bro!” kind of deal bc ill usually try to post things that makes me happy or things that would be helpful to others or cheer them up if they had a rough day! 

idk i just want ppl to have a good experience here ig- i just want them happy vibes from here on out bc i spent so long being depressed about my surroundings, my art, and myself so- 

it came to be sort of like a supportive circle thing? where we can share that good loving support and thats why i love supporting my mutuals whenever i possibly can! (im kind of rambling again. but did i mention i love my mutuals? anyways anyways anyways)

that being said, while i am very welcoming of others, i will not hesitate to block and report disgusting people off my blog bc i do not want to be associated with them in any way, shape, or form. 

—————————————————————————————————–

BUT YEAH ANYWAYS TLDR; the term “safe blog” was a reminder to myself that it’s okay to be me and to enjoy life and have fun w my art blog! 

it was on my blog since the beginning and it sort of means something different now, bc i love the good vibes but i can and will absolutely destroy any disgusting person that even THINKS about looking at my blog. that’s all! thank you! :)

[skidget]

I keep putting the idea of talking about this off, naming names and such seeming petty and I didn't want to look petty. And like, yeah it is petty i guess, but it needs to be done. Not directly mentioning stuff and going out of my way to protect problematic people's privacy by leaving out names just allows bullshit to keep happening.

So, to begin, A heads up to anyone who stumbles upon this blog, as well as followers and people who pop in time to time:  I've said this before and apparently I have to keep saying it since it's become apparent people haven't read shit last time.

If you refuse to acknowledge the fascism/nazi apologia, racism, pedophilia-leaning, abuse fetishizing, and other legitimate problems present in steven universe, then block me. I am sick to death of me reblogging all this info and good, well-thought-out criticism from fellow marginalized voices talking about these issues, only for my followers to completely ignore this and then suddenly get surprised and upset later on when it's brought up face-to-face chatting with people.

A few months ago, back in around October 2019, I was a part of the Neolodge discord. Around the time the steven universe movie came out, people were excited and it became apparent fast that there were many fans of the show on the neolodge.

Now, it's not my job to educate you, but know (especially based off of all the shit i've reblogged and wrote about it in the past) that the show is a downward spiral of fascism apologia (and NUMEROUS other problems), and since it's marketted towards children, this is extremely dangerous (add in our current political climate and fucking nazis and other fascists on the rise again and gaining more and  more power and children are literally being put into cages! and you got yourself some fucking pro-grossness propaganda). The show legit makes me uncomfortable, and I'm not the only one. So, when wondering on the chat if anyone else was critical of the franchise, instead the chat suddenly sped up and i was swarmed by a bunch of anti-criticism fans who almost immediately -instead of reading my beginning attempts to elaborate on where i was coming from- posted over and over again that rebecca sugar is a marginalized voice and as such, immune to criticism, and how dare I insinuate a jewish woman of writing nazi apologia. You know, despite all the various jewish people who have come forward having beef with the show BECAUSE of the writing trying to make space nazis sympathetic. 

It was a shitshow, and I realized that the chat was moving too fast for anyone to follow my responses, and also no one cared about whatever evidence i brought forward; instead I (a neurodivergent, mentally ill, pansexual aromantic woman, aka also a marginalized voice) was talked over and treated as if i ate babies. Obviously, I left the neolodge discord after that.

Not knowing who still followed my neopets art blog and who might be among the steven universe fans, members of the lodge, or just people who would rather not get involved, I made a post telling people to block me if they're not up for criticism of the show.

Fast forward MONTHS later to just the other week, and I see the neolodge has made a comeback on the neopets site itself.  I still followed the creator of the neolodge, Hollis, aka hvmanbeing here on tumblr, knowing they weren't around at the time of my departure, and maybe they didn't know about it.  This was an artist who I had defended in the past, and thought would be sympathetic/intolerant of bigotry etc.  Sooooooo I asked if this was like, a rebooting of the neolodge, if it had any connection to the discord one. After airing my beefs and explaining the situation to Hollis privately, they... well...

Hollis refused to read and think about what i had said and the information i linked to, despite apparently going back in the discord chat and viewing the whole mess, where i had also laid out information to back up my observations.  Instead, my voice talked over, my words and concerns discarded, I was treated as if I had committed some heinous act, and if i had changed as a person then maybe they might let me back in to the neolodge.

I didn’t. 1: I don’t recall anyone of the numerous users bombarding me every second mentioning their religion. Not to mention it doesn’t. matter. when, as I stated during the fiasco, and stated again and again: there are MORE jewish voices complaining about exactly what I have been complaining about. Not to mention, why didn’t anyone wonder where my religion lied? Did anyone pause to consider if I was jewish? No, of course not.

2: critiquing steven universe for its fascism apologia, racism, pedophilic implications, etc etc, is not calling its creator a nazi. Words mean things: look up apologia.

It’s funny that certain words are being thrown around that I had previously used to back up my points, with the intent of using them against me. The Neolodge is home to actual children/minors/underage people and most of the people in the incident were younger than 21. That is children.  I was getting annoyed at young non-adults.

This was an artist i had confided in, that I had previously stood up for and supported, that I trusted. An artist that I freely followed and openly conversed with and who had obvious access to all my critiques beforehand (they had faved or commented on my neoblog before), but then threw it all back in my face with no prior warning.

So if you’re like me, and don’t put up with bullshit, and refuse to lie down and let bigotry get further footholds into western culture and be lauded for it, consider staying away from the neolodge and users like hollis and synthaphone (one of the people who swarmed me and the only one with a username i can remember/recognised); don’t make my mistake i guess.

it’s also really telling how when i put up that board the other day trying to bring attention to stolen art in the hopes of having it removed, the neolodge board, previously being dead and at the bottom of the page, was bumped up by hollis in an attempt to bury the board i was trying to remember to maintain, but that’s a story for another time.

[askaceattorney]

Dear Starry,

Phoenix, more than likely, will forever be single. Be that because of his burn with the whole Iris/Dahlia thing or him just being too busy being a dad to everyone under his roof or something else entirely, he’s a single father through and through.

Phoenix’s capacity for love extends beyond romance to this intense care for everyone around him. He would throw himself in front of a car or steal a boat to pilot it to the middle of the ocean for one of his friends. The man is altruistic to a fault, even getting disbarred for a man he met the day before because he was his client. That’s nothing in the face of trying to run across a burning bridge to save Maya or becoming a lawyer at all to try and save Edgeworth. Maybe Phoenix won’t have a romantic interest ever, but that’s not to say he doesn’t have plenty of love. That could even be the reason. He’s not going to put anyone above anyone else when he has such strong bonds.

-The Mod

Co-Mod: Well said, The Mod!  Good to see you here again.  I don’t have anything to add to that response except that Phoenix seems to be more focused on his work and friendships than his love life.  It might not sit well with his daughter, but a man has to have his priorities.

Dear Anthony,

Obviously the most rumor stirring first kiss would be with Charley, as he is waaaaay out of Apollo’s league. The sender would not matter as it would likely end in Apollo himself being blamed and berated for making up such false claims in an attempt to ruin the pristine reputation of that fine slender palm lily. Coincidentally, this would also be the most chaotic.

-The Mod

Co-Mod: The most chaotic scenario involving a letter to Apollo that comes to my mind is one from Ms. Tiala.  It’d be the perfect way for her to get revenge on him for not living down to her standards, and might even start rumors between the more gullible members of the WAA (Athena and Trucy) that the two of them are in cahoots.

The most chaotic situation overall that I can think of is an ultimatum from Athena to Phoenix, stating that she refuses to do any more lawyer business unless Trucy finds another lovely assistant.  That one might even come to blows.

(Previous Letter)

Dear Inferno,

Co-Mod: I have to agree.  I’m honestly starting to wish it was a real show now.  I bet there’s a fortune to be made with it.

(Video in Letter -- Epilepsy Warning)

Dear Starry again,

Co-Mod: That’s a work of art right there.  I especially liked how all the defendants are lined up at the end, followed by all the culprits.  Here’s a great big Co-Mod Seal of Approval for it:

And don’t ask how hyperlinks are supposed to work on paper.  I’d just as soon explain how Widget’s software works.

(Previous Posts)

(Previous Letter)

Dear yuesworld,

Co-Mod: I sure do!  Great to hear from you again!  And congratulations on translating over 1000 letters (and thank you)!

I’m also glad to hear that you’ve been able to glean so much good stuff from this blog, and that goes for everyone else that applies to.  I’ve said this before, but one of the greatest achievements for a comedian, whether on a blog or somewhere else, is helping people with negative feelings replace them with positive ones.  I’m no stranger to depression myself, so I know how great it feels to leave it behind.

And for those of you who think that I and the other new Mods aren’t as good as The Mod..........well, you’re probably right, but that’s hardly a fair comparison.  He’s been at this way longer than we have.

I’m glad your friend liked the response to their letter.  I always like when a letter gets deeply emotional or nostalgic, so I try to respond with the same level of emotion, whether it’s joyful, sad, bittersweet, or a different emotion.  That’s one of the things that makes these characters so relatable, after all.

And needless to say, I’m very glad that people from around the world have been able to find some connection in their love for Ace Attorney.  Thank goodness for both this series and the internet!  And thank you again for your contribution to it.

Dear mungeondaster,

Co-Mod: I don’t remember anything in the games that answers those questions, but I can imagine Athena driving a used car whenever she needs to, as someone who enjoys travel more than the others (as mentioned in this letter).  I can also see Apollo driving something, but according to the Mod’s headcanon, he bikes everywhere, and I’m not one to question that.

This of course means everyone else has to carpool with Athena or Edgeworth in order to get anywhere by car.  You can probably guess which one they’d go with.

Dear Curious Lassy,

Co-Mod: I’ve been dealing with some mild illness (not coronavirus, thankfully), but I’m doing okay.  Thanks for asking!

The rule against roleplaying, as I’ve interpreted it, means that you can’t pretend a character in your letter is in the same physical location as the character you’re writing to, or have them physically interact with them (patting their shoulder, punching them, etc.).  As long your post can be interpreted as a written letter in some way, I won’t count it as roleplaying.  I admit it’s sort of a stretch with letters that include avatars, but I prefer to be liberal with those.  I can also be tempted to break the rule if a letter is clever enough, as in this recent one, or this one from a couple years ago.

I could be talked into using a tag for those letters, depending on what you had in mind -- was it something general like an “Avatar” tag, or the specific game, “Fate/Grand Order”?  The first one we could do, but I’d rather not to use the names of non-Ace Attorney games in the tags.  There’s no way we could keep up with them all.

(Previous Letter)

Dear Andrea,

Co-Mod: That was me.  My bad.

I wasn’t expecting anyone to find anything that likable about the Phantom (or my portrayal of him), so thanks for that.

Dear...Co-Mod?

Co-Mod: But...But I don’t..........

Well, I guess I can’t argue with myself.  Nice knowing you, folks!

-The Mods

P. S. Stay healthy, everyone!  Safety first.

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #11 (1979)

The only weapon you need to provoke a police officer to violence is scorn.

Sorry! The above caption had nothing to do with The Cockroach's first appearance in Cerebus and everything to do with how the Omaha Police arrested peaceful protesters by claiming that they're purpose was to "attack and/or provoke police officers to violence." Also, you can tell they're already spinning and lying by adding the "and/or" so they can imply that the protesters are planning on attacking police. And, well, even if they weren't (and they did say "or"!), their other main plan was to provoke them. But of course everybody whose ability to perceive reality isn't clouded by their incessant need to defend police no matter what understands that police will abuse their power at the drop of an eye roll. They believe any slight disrespect is an excuse for a violent rebuttal. They force physical violence on people whom they have no reason to arrest simply so the person can struggle against the assault, as any normal person would do, and then claim resisting. Police should be confronted by scorn and disrespect at every turn. Only when they learn not to instantly resort to violence and threats will they deserve to not be. Welcome to my comic book and/or police review blog! Deni's "A Note from the Publisher" continues on a theme that I hadn't noticed until just now: every new issue of Cerebus now seems to be a landmark issue! It's an interesting self-promotion take that I have to admit I'd never thought of trying. "Every new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea review is a landmark review!" You know what else is a landmark? Places & Predators, my Cribbage-based Roller Playing Game! You don't even really need any friends to play it. Just read it like a book and enjoy it! Or play it like a Fighting Fantasy Adventure Book! Use some online Cribbage app! Figure out how to use the crib in ways the online app definitely won't let you! Oh, the reason this is a landmark issue is because more letters came in than normal! It's a hit! Deni also reveals that she'll be making the Cerebus plush toys that were advertised in previous issues and at half the price! So kudos for stealing that job from the person who originally made them! It probably wasn't anything so dramatic but what fun is going through your life defaulting to the best, most optimistic possibility in every given situation? Have some fun! Act paranoid! Purposefully misunderstand your father and scream in his face! Kick a dog! Sorry! I got carried away! I would never kick a dog unless it was attacking me. But even then, I'd be wishing I was kicking the owner who let it go off leash. The dog doesn't deserve my epic self defense tactics in its soft face. But the owner certainly does!

The basics on the origin of The Cockroach.

I didn't realize Dave came up with The Cockroach because it was gross and disgusting. I just thought it was a more clever version of a bat, keeping to the shadows, hiding, surviving, a constant annoyance to poor people. In any case, The Cockroach is the greatest parody of The Batman, hands down. Because The Batman has become such a parody of himself time and time again, you just need an absolutely Batshit insane version of him. I don't do segues so Cerebus has come to Beduin to sell the Black Blossom Lotus. Just look at all the continuity Dave Sim is giving his readers! I wonder how many comic book fans would list "continuity" as their number one favorite thing about comic books? Like, are there people who would list that above great writing or terrific art? Judging by how terrible a lot of mainstream comic books are and how rabid many of the fans, I'd suspect it was a fairly high number. Maybe 65 out of 100, Bob. Change that card! The Merchant Cerebus deals with is a kook who might just have a super secret identity. It's weird to think of the Roach as being capable of actually living an independent life! I suppose he's just barely hanging onto his sanity at this point (and, of course, only during the day). But then he comes into the mystical aura of strangeness that aardvarks apparently exude out of their buttholes and he just loses it completely. He becomes less a merchant slash superhero and more a superhero slash zombie cosplayer. Also he becomes one of the greatest characters ever created! There are like four of them in the entirety of Cerebus! The exclamation point is because I think that's an incredibly high number and not because I think it's an incredibly low number. Most comic book's protagonists never quite make it to the greatest ever! Plus I'd probably give Cerebus more than four but a lot of them are just really good parodies, satires, and slightly-off representations of characters and people who already existed. The merchant buys the Black Blossom Lotus from Cerebus for 100 gold pieces and then promptly drops it out of the window and into the Feld River.

Not only does Dave Sim come up with a bunch of memorable plots across three hundred issues, he also comes up with a lot of good Dungeons & Dragons campaign ideas.

The Merchant pays Cerebus a sack of gold and gets ready for bed as Cerebus begins to leave. Before Cerebus can even exit the hallway outside the merchant's bedroom door, Cerebus begins to hear loud ranting coming from the other side. It's a lot of hissing and threats of murder. Against his better judgment, Cerebus decides to see what's happening and gets his first look at the guy who will be a huge headache to him for the next two hundred issues or so.

One thing I like about Dave Sim is how honest he is when recounting where he came up with or stole his ideas. He gives plenty of credit for the Cockroach and his hissing to Marshall Rogers and Jules Feiffer. It's admirable because a lot of people would just figure, "It might make me look less of an artist and who's going to know anyway?!"

Just a few days ago, my old elementary school friend who was blown up in Iraq and then became a comedian playing to Christians and patriots (which I mention so you'll understand how, as a wounded veteran, he'll never be criticized by his audience and he'll never really grow as a comedian) posted a Tik Tok on Facebook that was just a film of a television set capturing the "Masked Debate" bit on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. The clip only shows all the clips of news readers saying "masked debate" and none of Oliver's or the show's set-up. He then watermarked it with his Tik Tok name. Now all of those naive followers who can only seem to reply to his posts with the laugh/cry emoji probably think he wrote it. Better yet, they're probably mostly Trump followers who would never admit to finding that libjerk Oliver or his show funny. What's even better is that the Tik Tok has some quote along top that's watermarked with somebody else's Tik Tok name! So it looks like Bob doubly stole the bit. Man, I wish I'd joined the army and gotten blown up and then found Christ and developed an audience of uncritical naive yahoos who would wildly applaud everything I wrote! Why didn't I join the army?! Oh, that's right. Because I believed I had a future right out of high school. Well, I guess Bob is having the last laugh now! Cerebus follows Cockroach across the rooftops to find out what's going on. He eventually witnesses the Cockroach confront a man in an alley, accuse him of killing his parents, knock him out, and steal his gold. The gold part of the night helps Cerebus to ignore all of the other confusing stuff. The Cockroach doesn't gloat for long. He's off to find another victim! Cerebus witnesses him mug another guy whom he also accuses of killing his parents. He also admits to doing this for thirty years. So now Cerebus thinks the guy is crazy but also crazy rich. At the end of the night, the Cockroach returns home and drops the gold purses into a secret panel in the wall. He falls asleep, wakes up, and, when he sees Cerebus, acts as if Cerebus were just leaving. So Cerebus realizes that the merchant doesn't have any idea what the Cockroach is doing. Which means Cerebus is going to recover those gold purses before the Cockroach comes back! At the moment, Cerebus doesn't realize that he's going to be finding thirty years worth of gold purses in the merchant's walls. Can you imagine how boring the last two hundred and eighty-nine issues of Cerebus would have been if Cerebus managed to steal all of the Roach's gold?! I'm sure some of you are thinking, "It wouldn't have been any worse than the last hundred issues we did get!" Also, can you imagine how fat Cerebus would have gotten drinking tons of ale and eating loads of rich foods? I'm laughing so much just trying to picture it! Ha ha!

Eight feet of gold would make Cerebus fatter than a domesticated raccoon!

In the end, Cerebus only makes it away with three sacks of gold. But in the process, he manages to completely screw up the Roach/Merchant equilibrium that's lasted for thirty years. In trying to exploit the man's mental illness so that he'd help Cerebus move the gold, Cerebus drags the Roach personality into the daylight. From here on out, the Roach will simply be a pawn of others, susceptible to almost any second-rate demagogue (although most of the people who subsequently control the Roach are of the first rate variety). The Aardvark Comment section was two pages this issue and had this letter that I don't think was being sarcastic?

I guess I also wouldn't necessarily consider a chainmail bikini as "a disgusting costume." He's probably thinking about Power Girl.

Also, and I admit it might have been a joke, but Dave Sim reveals that Ronald Reagan is Cerebus' father. That, um, makes sense! Cerebus #11 Rating: A. I almost gave it a B+ for variety but then I remembered I just read the first appearance of the Roach. I also forgot that my ratings don't actually mean anything.

[pinkykitten]

I was tagged by @writing-with-melon I hope my answers aren’t complete waste or if time and if so I’m sorry and I love you

Rules: Answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

1. What song automatically plays in your head when you look out the window on a long drive? 

i dont really have an answer for this. i think i just automatically think about any song ive been listening to recently or any song that has been stuck in my head. 

2.  Do you have some snacks nearby when you write?

well i live in a two story house so the kitchen is downstairs and im usually lazy busy so since i have a mini fridge upstairs i just usually get water to drink while im writing. its kinda hard to eat and write cuz i loose focus really easily so when i am writing i am writing! i am in the zone! but if i am a little hungry ill usually snack on candy like chocolate kinder joys i love them but they r so expensive or snack on chips but i get like salt on my fingers or i like cheetos so cheetos dust and that just gets everywhere and later my hands and keyboard kinda smell like fart. 3. What do you do to combat creative burnout?

so burnout happens to me a lot so to get inspiration i either read other stories or fanfics which gets my head gears turning or i admire a piece of art or photography or a song. whats so unique and satisfying with writing you can explore and go anywhere with it, hehehe erotic if you know what i mean lol jk there are no barriers with writing just your imagination. there is inspiration any where you go and id advise to never stop writing. even if its a few short sentences or paragraphs about anything even bird poop its still progression and your mind is working and your searching for words like its all good for you bby.  4. Do you use (or like to use) prompts? 

i do ill put the link here. im thinking of changing it though to do something different. 

5. What is your favorite place to write?

lol boring, i know but my room. my room is really bright in the mornings and comfortable and chill and i have a candle of the pandora ride in disney that smells like the ride so its all good and relaxing and super peaceful plus i have a picture of myself the age of like 9 on my desk idk why but it encourages me and makes me focus to make sure i never get that cringy again. 

6. What is a hobby or yous that you usually don’t talk about?

well i like working out HAHAHAHAHA jk that was a joke...get it...cuz i much rather be eatingokillstop. but i really like to draw which i have a art page you can see it if you click here pls look at my failed attempts to be hip and cool with the cool kids and being artsy fartsy. another hobby is i really like to do makeup and nail art, nail art is really tough guys no joke if you do it like you got wizard powers are something. maybe its bc my nails are shorter than pete davidson and ariana grande’s relationship, alright im trying to stop i swear!

7. Do you play an instrument? Which one?

no i wish though. i always wanted to learn to either play the piano or electric guitar cuz H.E.R looks so cool doing it. 

8. How do you feel about your handwriting?

it sucks dont even try me. my sister can barely read it like no wonder nobody wants to steal my signature heck they can’t even read it!

9. Can you tell us of a story that marked your development as a person? As a writer?

ok sit back guys, sniff a nice amount of crack and get ready for the most cringy moment of my life but also a time when i knew i was meant to be *inhale* a fanfic writer. 

so it was elementary school, i think 3rd grade and for my writing assignment we were given a prompt of idk what the heck tbh i think it was like be outside the box and im like ok imma nail this cuz im a weird child and yeah so i got my papers and pencil and i went TO TOWN on this paper. so i wrote two stories. one short story with a picture to go with it and one long story that yeah i buried years ago. so my first story was about a farmer was about that farming life. he had chickens and dairy. so i cant remember if the cheese was spoiled but doesnt matter. anywho these cheese and a chicken were alive like they could talk in the story and i gave them faces, yikes. but the whole story was the farmer was a b*tch and he was trying to eat the chicken and cheese so they hatched a plan to get away from the farmer. they did it successfully and they ran away. yay happy ending my teacher actually liked that one me too and my school mates were thinking what they heck is this girl on i made a story about how me and justin bieber made cookies for Christmas you know. so then my other story i was more proud of this one cuz it was a tone of paper, sorry trees, and this story was about how a female hippo (girl i was all about plus size and thicker girls and no body shaming) and an male ostrich were kidnapped from their own habitats and taken to become circus animals. failed version of Madagascar hey mine was before the circus movie OK THEY STOLE IT FROM MEEEEE. so they get taken and are treated to harsh punishment and the animals can talk and i think its in the point of view of the male ostrich guy thing. they are in the circus and they start to have this relationship happening. love starts blossoming its all good. im happy with this cuz i believed in love at age of 8. they find a way thru a kick butt scene of the animals escaping and the hippo and ostrich are so in love that they run away together and they have half hippo half ostrich babies and i think i named the species  hipstrich or like ostppo idk but i was so proud of this story and when my teacher read it she was worried about me lol i think she thought i might like mate these two animals like secretly idk but she was like it was ok and i was like what this is frickin William Shakespeare writing or like F. Scott Fitzgerald writing. nevertheless it taught me a lesson that nobody else needs to like what im writing the main point and only thing that matters is if your proud of it and you like it and i really did. i will remember that story forever and thats what made me want to be a writer. lol sorry that was a lot. 

10. @emdop I’m going to use this great question: Explain one of your WIPs in the most ridiculous way possible. 

wellllll im working on my peaky blinders oc story its a lot of drugs money killing weapons jewelry rich profanities like its the show but written from my stubby hands so my oc and whatever its great and so excited to show it to you guys. 

MY QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO START TUMBLR?

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING OF THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

3. WHAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?

5. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

7. IF YOU COULD VISIT A PLACE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

8. WHAT SHOW OR MOVIE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN?

9. WHAT IS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories, @blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms, @naughtyneganjdm, @lenahellgizibe and two random followers @spiritsent, @sucker-for-my-fandoms

i was tagged by @writing-with-melon again ty btw, ps i felt so much pressure lol jk 😊

Rules: Answer 5 questions, Ask 5 questions, Tag 5 people.

1. What is your favorite book?

fifty shades of grey hahaha naw my favorite book is obv you all know this is series of unfortunate events but i never usually cry period and i never cry for books ever so when i read mrs. tom thumb by melanie benjamin, its the part when her sister minnie dies i cried so hard idk it was just emotional the wording the way she described her pain it was so beautiful written yet so sad and that was just amazing to me cuz im like this book made me feel things and im like wow i would love to write a book one day and make someone feel something whether it be sadness anger happiness annoyance anything they are having an emotion and that is super powerful to do that with just words. pls go check out that book its a good read. also im a fan of the greatest showman so i really enjoyed it. there are many other books tho that i thoroughly enjoy so much. 

2. What piece that you’ve written are you most proud of?

oh my god ive always wanted to be asked this question hands down i am always proud of my platonic gender neutral tony stark fic called in·con·sol·a·ble window to me i wrote it so sad and i was feeling like depressed lol when i saw peter die in infinity war like i didnt know what to do with my life tbh but im so glad that @impetrichorny requested it tysm i just like how its not based on romance or fluff or happiness it is based on when you lose someone the nightmares and sadness you go through and that there is nothing nobody can do about it except just be there for that person so i really like writing angst and something that was out of the box. ive been thinking tho of doing a part two since the fate of all the characters has changed after endgame. who knows tho. 

3. What is the last song that inspired you? 

well for art it would have to good news by mac miller when i did that kobe bryant memorial on my art page. i dont want to give it away though but ill just say some very powerful womens music inspired my oc writing and making. 

4. How do you feel about letting people read what you write?

at first i was scared cuz i thought i wrote like trash which that feeling kinda doesnt go away like some days i feel that way others i feel confident or it depends on the request it just depends but anyways i was always insecure about my writing so when i started writing it was more like lets see how this goes if not ill delete the whole page. im glad to say it went great but in the begging it was hard cuz i kept putting myself down but i learned to accept or just understand that you keep learning with writing you always learn knew things with writing how you can explain something better or you words get more intricate and people see the improvement and you do too thats why i applaud those who dont speak english that english isnt their first language. you are doing a tremendous job and keep practicing cuz you’re gonna make it to the top. ive also learned that some days are not my days and you can take time off when youre not feeling it when you have writers block. just recollect your juices sip some tea go to the beach relax your mind a little and take as long as you need to come back and give it your all. also comments and reblogs and likes a follows those meant so much to me and encouraged me. thats why i cant express it enough how much all those mean to writers, artist, photographers, anybody who is truly trying their hard in this area of social media. its makes a person happy smile and confident in their writing but first train your mind into loving what you make not what others thing. you have to be happy with the outcome that is what truly matters and what makes your writing the best. look at me getting philosophical. 

5. Do you get distracted easily? If yes with what?

yes and with porn haha i get distracted easily like very easily homeschooling was really tough for me. music distracts me, netflix, the urge to watch david dobrik or unus annus or buzzfeed unsolved on youtube, heck my farts distract me. i gotta be like troy bolton i gotta get my HEAD IN THE GAME!

MY QUESTIONS:

1. IF YOU COULD BE NAMED SOMETHING ELSE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE NAMED?

2. WHAT PERSON INSPIRES YOU THE MOST?

3. IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?

4. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER?

5. WHATS YOUR WEIRD COMBINATION FOOD?

im tagging: @thatlittlered​, @ardentmuse​, @acciosnapes​, @lotsoffandomimagines​, @collecting-stories​ AND WHOEVER WANTS TO DO THIS IF YOU FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY STORIES TAG ME ILL READ YOUR ANSWERS. HOPE I DID THIS RIGHT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MWUAH 

[vipervisionsart]

So here it begins...

I don't blog often anymore. Online journaling... and who's to know who's reading? Too many people say it's best to journal, or write, about ones daily life and activities. It can help some stay grounded or recollect what was once forgotten. I used to use Tumblr a lot. So much so to the point I got a good following on my personal blog. I got scared people I know would read it, so I deleted everything. I wish I didn't.

After I got hit with teargas canisters and flashbangs, I decided to quit healthcare, again. This would be the second time I've made this decision. There is a reason for it and I'm just not seeing it yet. I love healthcare and taking care of patients, however, I just don't believe that lifestyle is the right fit for me. The workload comparative to the pay is so trash and there are points where my depression gets in the way and nothing is fulfilling anymore. 

Then I come out of a really bad depressive episode and I almost have to force myself to find something fulfilling in healthcare. I don't get the same adrenaline rush I used to get. 

The performing arts and visual arts though, no matter how depressed I am, I can always participate in those kinds of activities and feel full. It doesn't matter what, who, when, where, or how. That's where my heart is...

I used to tell my ex all the time "just follow your heart and the money will come" because perusing your passions will earn you the greatest reward of all time. Everything is always what one makes of it, and if one is passionate about something all that hard work will never be for nothing. It just needs to be applied strategically. It's easier to do so when one's heart lies within it. I believe...

I really believed my heart was in healthcare... and maybe a good chunk of it is. That's why it will remain my backup plan... if pursing art, music, and dance doesn’t bring me success.

___________________________________________________________

I’ve been getting courted. There is one in particular I’m rather fond of. He’s not usually my type. Stepping out of my comfort zone has added on a different kind of happiness. I feel respected by him in a way, though his nature is possessive I understand that those tendencies are just signals of affection. I wouldn’t claim him to be different than most, though he does stand out slightly. There is a lot he has to offer. I appreciate that he listens, or at the very least pretends to, it makes me feel heard... but I also know that his “forgetful”ness will also cause a large downfall should important information--pertinent to my nature and dynamic--gets lost or thrown out of his ears and mind. He has made no mistakes thus far. It’s almost been 3 months. 

There is another one who I am not so fond of. Though he seems almost obsessive towards me. This nature I can pinpoint as sort of a reoccurring act. I am not the only one, nor will it ever be so. He offers me financial support and gifts. In exchange he would like to believe he is the only person I focus on. Attachment issues. Narcissism. Ego. He doesn’t listen, nor respect the emotional and mental boundaries I have set forth. He is persistent; annoyingly so. It has been almost 4 months. The farthest he’s gotten is a hug. 

I’ve been waiting for the first one to make a move at me romantically, but so far it seems his only prerogative is to have me as company and to boost his self-esteem towards women when he makes me cum. We still haven’t had sex. We did have a conversation last night, where he confessed to being nervous and probably a quick fuck. He didn’t have condoms, though Monday night I saw 6 in his nightstand and there was an attempt to use one, but the lack of exclusivity made me not so compelled to question anything. I told him “you can increase your sexual stamina by any means necessary and I wouldn’t mind a bit” to see if his mind would drift into seeing other people. He thought I was talking about jerking off. I repeated it again and added “and if you’re down, I’d like to watch” and I believe he got the point then.

There was no objections. 

Men will do whatever they want to do. My main belief is to communicate ones wants and needs upfront and allow them to chose how to handle that information and what actions they feel they want to take. This has been my philosophy for quite some time. Though, admittedly, I did lapse and fall into a toxic frame of mind during my time with my ex. The worst of me was brought out, instead of the best, and at that point I knew it was something I had to distance myself from. I never want to be that kind of woman again.

I have a lot to offer and I am worth more than diamonds. It will take the right person to realize that.

_______________________________________________________________

I had a good day today. My morning started off extremely slow and confusing. I was lost and stuck and did not know what to do. My depression is in full fledge and I am doing my best to fight through it. I’ve been planning a head of time, because I’m starting to get the sense of when these episodes will happen, and in turn I’ve been creating schedules in my calendar app to plan my days when I get stuck as I did this morning. Now it’s a matter of having the willpower to stick to schedule or allow my depression to consume me. I will not allow my depression to consume me, but rather be a tool to my success. My depression is a tool to my success.

I went to dance practice and winged the combo we were meant to create and teach on the fly and I believe I did pretty well. The other trainee, did exceptional. I like him and I want to be his friend. 

After dance, I felt invigorated. I was able to fold and put away my laundry and tidy up a bit. Off schedule but things were still done! All progress is good progress. Tomorrow, I am hoping to stay on schedule and perhaps get more things done. Towels need to be washed and the floors vacuumed and mopped and I need to get started on producing my music. 

My ex’s friend, still hesitant to call him my friend when I speak of him to others, has been a great help in getting me started with my music. I am waiting for my second option to gift me a studio recording kit so I am able to finally get some tracks down. I want my music to be composed, produced, and so forth originally and solely by me. There is a specific sound I want and I don’t like sharing with others my internal feelings because that’s basically what my music is. This is part of my soul communicating with the world. She has been dying to. 

_____________________________________________________________

I’m finally becoming tired enough now to sleep. Rest well, all. I love you. 

I hate sleeping alone. I hate small beds. I hate sleeping on the couch. 

I am ready for a place of my own. Somewhere I can call my home. I am ready. I am willing. I will have all that I wish for.

All the negative energy towards me and/or sent to me will be reflected back to it’s sender. I send the sender light energy to change their way of thinking. I wish ill on no one. Therefore no one should wish ill upon me. May the sender understand balance.

I miss skating.

[mylonelygrl]

Well damn I haven’t been on here in literally 4 years. A lot has changed since then. I find myself coming back only because I need a place to archive my thoughts. My written journals, as nice as they are to have, aren’t an effective place anymore to really get all of my thoughts down as efficiently as I’d like. When the urge comes over me to write an entry I have more thoughts than my hands can keep up with, and even in this format I have a hard time keeping up but I have a better chance at getting the meat of it out if I’m typing. So here we are. 

First, I suppose I should give an introduction to anyone that may stumble upon this blog. (It should be noted right out of the gate that everything written here will ABSOLUTELY be in the style of stream of consciousness, so while it may make sense to me to read through, it may not make sense to you. And that’s ok. I hope at the very least it may be entertaining, and at the very best, helpful for anyone else who may have similar thoughts to my own.)  Anyway, I don’t care too much about anonymity so I’ll tell you that my name is Mallory. I’m 29 years old and live in Denver,CO. I’m an industrial design student that loves art, dogs, tattoos (if any old followers are still here, you knew that already), my family, and Seinfeld reruns. Above all else however, I am an addict. I’ll just leave it at that. No one needs to know what it is exactly I’m addicted to, just that I’m an addict. I tend to think that all addicts in some way shape or form are the same, or at least, we all share a very similar burden, so for that reason I don’t feel as though it’s necessary to discern what my drug of choice is. If it’s not one thing, it will undoubtedly become another if I don’t do something about it. 

I guess you can say I’ve never really hit a rock bottom. Maybe I have, but it’s not like the type of rock bottom you see on tv. I’ve never been homeless, I’ve never been disowned by my family, I’ve never contracted a disease, I’ve never over dosed. On the contrary, most people on the outside looking in may think I have my shit very much together. I manage a full time work and school schedule (yes, even post covid), maintain social obligations (safely, of course), am in fairly good shape and am well spoken. I have however, allowed my addiction to drive wedges between those I love and have recently been dumped by the person I assumed to be the one, my person. It’s a long story, and I should’ve seen the writing on the wall but in short: I made decisions and acted in a way that hurt this person very much. I was unable to see beyond my own mental illness and insecurities in order to take care of them and protect them and in turn, pushed them so far away that there is, I believe, no possibility for reparation of that relationship. The damage is irreparable. We don’t even speak as friends. It is to date, the biggest regret of my life. 

I realized even before the relationship ended that I was forming destructive habits and had been for quite some time. I convinced myself, however, that everything was fine because I had none of the markers of a life in shambles. I had (and have) everything I need. I always figure it out. That’s my super power, ever since I was a kid who was largely neglected. I figure my shit out and get through no matter how the cards are stacked against me. The problem with that  is that I’ve never allowed others to help me. I would rather suffer on my own and figure it out than ask for help, and in turn relied heavily on chemical sedation to make it through each day. (This behavior, by the way, started as far back as 15 years old. It really ramped up in my late 20′s.) I could hear and see how I was treating this person that I loved so much, and all the ways that I failed to be there for them when they needed me the most. I could. All the scenarios that I could’ve handled differently keep me awake at night when I, inevitably, find myself self medicating. The relationship could’ve survived had I gotten a handle on my mental wellness and helped them through their grief. I just... couldn’t. I couldn’t see beyond myself as much as I wanted to. Again, I’m not sure I’ve ever regretted anything more in my entire life. I often think about if I’ll fall in love again and I just don’t see that happening. The qualities this person possessed were and are unparalleled. They’ll never ever know that I thought the sun shined out of their ass and just how much I loved them, because I had my head shoved so far up my own. 

So now I’m stuck with me. And my thoughts. And my anxiety. And my depression. And my crippling fear of never amounting to anything. And my insecurities. And my guilt. And my fears. And so on. I find sobriety for maybe a week at a time and then, usually at night, I have a good memory of...we’ll call him... Eric, and I don’t even know what to do with myself. I try so hard just to be happy that we ever had that time together. I try so hard just to be thankful that we DID have so many good times and that he DID make me feel so good. Within seconds though I’m overcome with guilt. I could’ve kept that if only I did XYZ. I could be sleeping next to him now if only I had done this, or that. If I were sober. 

The fucked up thing about addiction is that I absolutely KNOW without a doubt my life will be better if I just don’t medicate. If I face my feelings head on and work through them like a normal person, I will make it to the other side of that feeling stronger and happier and healthier. I knew that in my relationship with Eric but I medicated anyway. I know it now when I feel these emotions in the middle of the night. And I medicate anyway. 

And while I’ve said this a thousand times before, and wouldn’t blame anyone if they heard me say it again now and choose to not believe me, I’ll say it anyway: I’m done for good this time. I’m tired of this pattern of reckless behavior and hanging by a thread. I know it’s scary and I know there will be long sleepless nights and days that feel fucking impossible. And I know I’ll probably feel sick. I know I’ll be irritable and I’ll feel scared. I’ll feel alone. I’ll feel all of these things for the first time, like FOR REAL, in nearly 15 years. For all of those reasons, I find myself coming back here again. 

My hope is that there are other people like me to connect with on Tumblr who may also be looking for a community like I am. There is something very appealing about finding a community of strangers to talk to and mutually comfort without fear of judgement or ostracism. If you are a someone who is dealing with something similar or at the precipice of a similar predicament and don’t even want to engage but want to read about my story and how I got here, please follow me. If you want to talk, talk. If you don’t, just listen. I am by far the role model anyone needs but I am choosing recovery and choosing life. Any and all are welcome to join along. 

[windowinto]

Social Media

This post is just a thought vomit post: The feeling that I’m feeling is quite strange. As if I cannot show the world the things I genuinely appreciate. Social media terrifies me in every way possible to the point where it is entirely toxic. I constantly live in this panic or fear where everyone is laughing at me or judging me. I feel as if social media is a place where I should be able to express myself in whatever way I want to. Sadly that isn’t the case for me. As much as I would love to show the world or anyone who has an “interest” in following me, whether it’s a mutual “oh I know you ill follow or add you” thing, whatever, the things I love dearly and hold close to my heart. For instance I love Elliott Smith a lot and would love to share my love about him but I feel as if people will make fun of me for enjoying the beauty that is his music and self. I get so terrified or think “what is the point” or “who even cares?”. Social media is so strange and I feel like it has me pinned to the ground sometimes. It is always in the back of my mind. For the last few years I have consistently been on and off social media. I’ll have a stride of confidence and post on social media consistently but it never seems to last before I delete everything, Instagram, twitter, facebook. Ill start with Instagram and why it really scares me. With Instagram, I feel very pressured to upload pictures in a timely fashion. It’s almost a personal blog or a perspective from my eyes to share with the people who decide to follow me. There are people who follow me and will never interact with my posts when I do decide to post something. It makes me wonder what is the point in following me if you don’t like anything that I’m sharing, not in the sense of the actual like, but enjoying what I post? I would rarely post anything on Instagram, I turned my Instagram that is now deleted, into a page for my art. I was scared to share things I have created. Showing people something I like, a window into my brain, for them to judge, even though I have gotten good feedback on my art, at the end of the day I still think its not good. Yet another reason why I am afraid to post on social media. I have little to no ego or confidence in myself. Before my Instagram was my art page, I would sometimes upload selfies only because that is just, what we do nowadays? It felt like I had to fall in line and I felt this pressure to show the world how I was changing as a person. “ooh look at me” but in my head there is nothing to look at. I struggle with body dysmorphia. I look in the mirror every day and see someone completely different. It isn’t just a “I feel ugly today”. It is a brutal battle of one day I feel okay but 30 minutes later my face feels rearranged. I know it’s a very common feeling to never see what others see in yourself, but I look in the mirror a lot and can never figure it out. I’m not sure why, I just try to take time to really understand my face because too often I don’t understand it at all. My face is very A-symmetrical and I feel to be beautiful you must have good face symmetry. My face has twist and turns, which most people might not notice, maybe they do. It is just something I really struggle with. Some days I feel normal, my face looks fine, but some days it feels like someone took a blender to my face. The thing with mirrors and phone cameras you only see the mirrored version of yourself. That is what you are used to. So seeing pictures of me that aren’t mirrored throws my head into a fucking spiral of insecurity. I tend to avoid pictures with people or having people take pictures or videos of me because all I can do is watch the video or stare at the picture for hours wondering what other people are going to think of me and my contorted face and body. I know that no person is perfect and we all have our imperfections, but exposing mine to the world is terrifying. Pictures are different. They give people time to dissect and focus on your imperfections for as long as they want. People terrify me. I’ve been bullied when I was younger and I have been made fun of over the years for looking certain ways, dressing certain ways because I’m not what they want me to be. I just want to be myself without judgement. Being able to be genuine and to not be made fun of for “trying too hard” or “trying” to have a certain look. I always get thrown under certain labels and its so frustrating. “haha you are a sad boy” or stupid remarks as if I’m trying to be anything but myself. I am terrified to be myself because it will never be good enough for anyone. I have been around a lot of toxic friend groups where they even make fun of their best friends. They make evil remarks or judge them for having a stride of confidence or trying new things. I love when people express themselves or try new things instead of staying in the same box that people put them in. It just seems others like to make fun of people for trying something new or pushing the boundaries of what is “them”. Self exploration is a beautiful thing that everyone should focus on every now and then. We should all try to expand on ourselves and strive for the best versions of ourselves. Who likes being the person stuck in a box? Where is the fun in that? That is just a perspective of mine but I always feel forced into this box. Which is a big reason I stay away from posting pictures of myself because if I post a picture of myself I am either “cocky” “too confident” or “trying too hard”. I took a picture of myself. That’s all I did. I had no intentions other than to just show people hey this is what I look like today and for once I don’t feel like my face was hit with a tornado. With Instagram I feel if I don’t post frequently or become inactive then people will start to not care. I’m not sure why I have this feeling of wanting people to care, but that’s how social media feels to me. You follow me for some reason, maybe because you care, who knows. There’s certain people who like to look down on me because I’m constantly changing and they might of liked or are used to a previous version of myself. Some people don’t like change. People also get so wrapped up into other peoples lives which is also another reason why I don’t like social media. Instagram is full of fake pictures and perfect people. Sometimes I feel like I have to be perfect or have a perfect picture for it to be “Instagram worthy”. I don’t understand what is a right and wrong picture to post. Sometimes I want to post everything, sometimes I don’t. Some people get so wrapped up in their “aesthetic” or “online image” and its not them what so ever. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea of me, I would much rather have someone make a judgement of me in person rather than a post on the internet. Intention and tone are hard to grasp on the internet unless you already know that person really well. With twitter, It feels the same as instragram but instead of pictures it’s tweets. I used twitter like a journal of just random things. Random feelings, random thoughts whether they were serious or just goofy. I didn’t try to appeal to anyone, I just kind of posted whatever I wanted. Over the last 4 years of on and off social media usage, there has been a few instances that make me scared of letting people know on the internet what is going on in this complex head of mine. With the first instance, I’ll bring a bit of context. I was about 17 or 18 at the time, my memory with age and time is always so bad so I’m not exactly sure when. I was going through a really rough depressive episode. I stopped hanging out with my friends and isolated, didn’t get out of bed ever, didn’t even play video games. It was really bad. I would also tweet about my feelings, which there is a stigma on posting about being sad on the internet because everyone is sad sometimes or all the time and just wont admit it, but will laugh or judge you for having feelings like a human being. “Wow look at this dude, he is so sad? Go get a therapist sad boy” but are the same people who do the same things they are complaining about. It’s weird how it works. Makes absolutely zero sense to me. People will hide their sadness behind vent accounts but on their “main” act like they aren’t sad. Which there is nothing wrong with that, but don’t judge others for being sad. Maybe they need someone, but you are too afraid to be that someone or “don’t feel like dealing with it”. I finally broke free from the death grip of depression and finally decided to hangout with some friends. It was the current E3 showing off all the new games. We were all having a good time discussing new games and seeing all the new titles. A game came up and I simply said “I heard that game isn’t that good” and a friend of a friend in the room said “of course you think that, you hate everything”. Stunned I replied “how?” and he replied with “you are constantly tweeting about how sad you are and how you hate everything”. Ill admit I had some sad tweets but I never tweeted or talked openly disliking anything. This guy barely knows me at all just so you know. We have mutual friends, have hungout a few times, skateboarded in the same group of friends. Clearly he had bad judgement on me. My eyes scan the room to see all of my “close” friends at the time. They all were just as stunned as me and nobody spoke up. I said proudly, in which this is true “I haven’t tweeted anything sad in months actually, feel free to go look at my tweets” he replied with “well good for you then”. This will stick with me for a really long time and this was maybe 5 years ago or less that this happened, like I said I’m bad with time and memories. I still think about it all the time. Goes to show, be careful what you say, it might stick around in someone’s head for longer than you think. Apparently one of my friends told him afterwards “Dude, he JUST started hanging out with us again and you had to do that”. Although I’m not sure if that is true or not. I would then to go on to delete my twitter and stay off social media for about a year or so because I was so terrified of others having this same outlook on me. Because if someone I barely know can have this judgement of me, then someone else surely can. To this day it still messes with my head and is also a big reason I have been off and on with social media. The next instance is from 2 almost 3 years ago. I was talking to the girl of my dreams, a girl I had a crush on for years. We got along wonderfully, shared the same sense of humor, there was a connection there that I couldn’t explain. But even then I would still struggle with my depression. Even in the happiest of times I still had these dark depressive moments. Which I have to explain that, my mother who had raised me without my dad, had battled cancer for 4 years only for it to take her life in 2012, which turned me into an anxiety riddled depressed kid. I would disappear, walk away, disassociate, have these dips in moods even in public. She didn’t really seem to understand or has never really had to deal with something like this before with someone. I completely understand that I was easily too much for her to handle. It’s really hard to find someone who understands or cares enough to stick around. Unfortunately my depressive episodes lead to the demise of our short “relationship”. We were not dating. We got into an argument and I told her how I was feeling and how she made me feel like she didn’t care. She sent me a long text message about how I’m too sad to deal with and I’m too much to handle. She told me all I do is bring everyone around me down and that I am a sad negative person. I am just summing it up, I don’t want to go into detail. This destroyed me more than any other words have before in my life. We were young and she didn’t understand the power of what she was saying. This threw me into a spiral of a year long depressive episode that I could not control. I didn’t talk to my friends about how I felt or my family because I was afraid to bring them down. I still struggle to this day with opening up about my feelings because of this but I have gotten better about it. But I was scared to just tell people that I was sad. I became so focused on faking this image to not let a single person know how I truly felt. It was hell every day holding in this whirlwind of feelings. I felt like I had to hide all of my feelings and that my feelings weren’t valid. I felt as if I wasn’t allowed to feel sad. I would get so mad if I ever got sad. I would tell myself no. Which it kind of worked, it kind of helped me get better in a sense but I think its important to feel sad now. Its important to process those emotions instead of ignoring them. But this also made me stay off social media for another year or so. But this year of no social media it forced me to learn a lot about myself. I was going into young adulthood and trying to understand the world and figuring myself out. A lot of self-growth was made in this time which I am kind of thankful for. But this was a huge reason why I struggled so hard with social media and how people perceived me. Also another reason why I struggle still because words like those tend to stick with you. Twitter is such a strange platform. I still don’t use it to this day. All because of judgement. Not even about sad tweets this time, just fear of self-expression. Goes hand and hand with the way I feel about Instagram. People thinking you are trying to hard or people just not giving a fuck. Social media is so weird. I feel that I am also missing out on a lot of possible friendships because of not using social media. A friend of mine said “you aren’t putting yourself out there, no one can find you if you are in the shadows” which I feel is very true, for friendships and possible relationships as well. Okay so onto facebook… I grew up in the prime of Facebook. I was there for all the changes and updates and when it first really started to blossom into what it was. This was before twitter was even popular. I grew up with sending everyone friend requests and the bliss of making random internet friends. Not caring about what you post and just having a good time. I think before I stopped using facebook when I was around 15 or 16 and I moved to twitter completely, which felt better for the way I felt, I had around 2,500 friends on facebook. Well that is definitely not the case now. Facebook is a weird strange place filled with old people and family members who haven’t cared about me for 10 years that send me a lovely friend request. I have such bad anxiety about facebook friend requests. It is so incredibly hard to explain. I initially made a facebook for the soul purpose of adding friends on xbox so I could stay in contact with them when we weren’t playing xbox. And then of course I started popping up in peoples suggested friends on facebook. I was friends with maybe 20 or less friends, very close people. Then my friend requests started flowing with people I know who I wasn’t close with. I left some people in what I like to call the friend request purgatory for LITERALLY 3 FUCKING YEARS. I was so scared to accept it and let them into the things I liked and would share on facebook with my close friends. I slipped into a music “scene” and made some friends in this specific scene. There was a guy in a band that actually got signed to a big label who I thought was really cool and funny who I thought hated me, he sent me a friend request and I left him in the purgatory for a whole year before declining the friend request. Just because he lived a whole 3 hours away and was way cooler than ill ever be and I didn’t want him to find me weird or a fucking loser. So I just never accepted it. I am not sure if he ever saw it pending for so long but I did change my profile picture in that time and I am sure he seen that. I feel really bad about it and it makes me cringe with awkwardness. I am not that bad at socializing and id like to think of myself as a funny and nice person. I feel like I am easy to get along with. But now I am no longer apart of that “scene” if you even consider me being “apart” of it. I just went to local shows and really enjoyed the music. That’s is my main problem with facebook. Random people I do and don’t know sending a request “HEY LET ME IN I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND” but… do you actually or do you think we are just mutual and wanting to network. Facebook is a weird place. Especially local selling communities. I live in the Midwest so there are racists and homophobes left and right. In conclusion of this awful mess of a post I just wish I could feel normal. To feel more understood. God forbid I ever tell anyone I feel “misunderstood” without being made fun of or not taken seriously because that’s just what people do now. I understand that the world is full of assholes and judgmental people but, there is also people out there that care and are good people. They are harder to find than the people who suck but they exist. You just have to look a little harder or just be patient. A dear friend of mine told me that I should just be myself and whoever doesn’t like it can just fuck off because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what other people think. But to just appreciate the people who do care. I try to focus on those points and to let myself realize everything will be okay if I just stay genuine and true to myself. People will always have something to say and dislike, all you can do is keep on truckin’ and keep doing what you want. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is your own happiness. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sometimes you have to just not give a single fuck. Maybe one day I will come back around to social media and finally come to terms with it. Who knows? But for now I am working on it one day at a time and will eventually ease back into it. Still very scared of it all, but progress is progress.

[sexymanlovr6969]

21 Questions Tag Game??

(I found out I was tagged about this now? huh? life is wild) Tagged by: @bliss-bud (So sorry!!!) 1. Nickname: 

Bepsi!! It's weird I know but, it's a neat play on my real name (I blame you, biku)

2. Zodiac:

Taurus?? I think? I'm not good at this.

3. Height:

It's 6'0-6'2! Or even taller, I've grown again since I've last updated so...I'm not so sure but it's above 6'0!

4. Hogwarts house:

Apparently Hufflepuff? I'm, again, not good at this.

5. the last thing I googled:

"Timewalking vendors", it's a WoW thing.

6. favorite musicians:

To be fair, I probably couldn't choose I have alot. I mean Undertale ost (toby fox if ur out there sup), Skillet, Disturbed, or simple things like Anime openings that I dunno the name to (akame ga kill opening 1/2 slaps) and those things on youtube like first date for one hour long but that's partly when im stressed.

7. Song stuck in my head:

In the back of my head, all day, every day of the week, even when I'm sleeping. It's circus music.

8. Following:

40 peeps!! Love yall out there!!

9. followers:

like 11 on this blog, 9 on my art blog (kmartlover btw)

10. do I get asks:

like once in a blue moon (thats never; im always open to them btw ill answer them no matter what it is honestly.)

11. Amount of sleep:

, do you really want to know that.

12. What are you wearing:

Long grey hoodie (idk what they're called), creeper minecraft shirt and leggings!!! It's cozy.

13. Dream Job:

You expect me to have my life planned that far ahead?? Pft. In reality, though, I wanna become an animator of sorts, but I know in my head with irl issues I'll never be able to, so maybe an animal caretaker or smth of the sorts! I love animals with all my heart so to give them all happiness, care, and love would be a dream to me, no matter how big of an ass they are.

I've also really had a liking to vocal work or dancing of the sorts! The issue is that I can't stand being on stages, or on the spotlight, so I've only taken vocal works and dancing of the sorts to a hobby.

14. dream trip:

I don't have one, actually!! As long as I can be stress-free and with ppl I love or friends, I'd be perfectly fine wherever I am!! In all honesty, Japan would be cool to visit for the merch and for the cuisines (I hope i spelled that right it’s 12 in the morning) and etc there! Also seeing some things in Japan, it would be nice! Ofc It'll probably never happen but dreams are always dreams!!

15. Instruments:

I always wanted to learn how to play a guitar, even my parents bought me an expensive guitar but I'm scared of breaking it with the price, so it's probably collected dust since then. If you also wanna consider it, I love to sing when I'm alone or doing work around the place! It's calming to take your mind off of something else and singing is one way to do it.

16. Languages:

English and German! German isn't a main language, nor am I really well at it. I also do know a few Tagalog curse words or terms from my ex! It's not much, but it's something!

17. Favorite song:

It becomes different overtime, it's just always something new every day, or week, or who knows! The list goes on.

18. If I were an animal:

I wouldn't even know that myself, I mean, I'd like to consider myself an animal people would snuggle, bc I just love cuddling things!! Ngl I was about to say a fictional animal or creature before screaming at myself about it not being real. I suppose a rabbit would work? Again I'm not sure.

19. Favorite Food:

Even if I'm gonna sound like a pig here, I love almost all foods! I have certain comfort foods which are probably gonna sound stupid in the end, but yeah! There's so much you can't even choose!

20. Random Fact:

I have a scar on my knee, which I'm actually afraid of because it's glued. I have no idea why I'm afraid of it though! Another could be that sometimes I've actually wished to be an A.I of sorts, again, I don't know why, I think it might just be a random thought that comes up when I'm stressed, but I'm not sure.

21. my aesthetic:

Aesthetics...I'm not even sure about this myself, for sure something softgirl-ish because...Yeah I can't fight with this I act like a softgirl.

Tagging: @teef-feef dont let me down

[beedalee]

Give me a reason not to slow down I can feel the bottom and it's cold now I'm on the outside looking in So I'm calling on my future friends

On July 2nd, one of my followers, Daine, took his own life. 

He was a 22 year old gay trans man struggling with mental illness, like many of us. He had the incredible support of his friends and community, who completely crowdfunded his funeral, had a beautiful service, and donated the remaining funding to LGBT resources and groups, which you can read a bit about here. I’ve never been to a funeral in my life, but I’m grateful I could have watched a recording of it, and been a part of it in some small way.

We only found out today because his blogs have been emptied out and replaced with headers in his memory, and @caiterprince noticed he hadn’t been active like he usually was, sending us fun things through tumblr messenger. The last time he messaged me was June 24th. 

Daine has been following me since he was in high school, inspired by my art. We weren’t close enough to be friends, but he treated me like one- kind, and warm. He confided in me in passing about his mental health and his identity long before he came out to his own circle of friends on facebook. He sent me small things I’d love. He told me little glimpses of his passions; his art and cartoons. He drew a beautiful picture of my baby kitty when he passed away, and mailed it to my house. A little gesture from him meant the entire world to me at the time.

I will frame it for you, Daine. It meant that much to me. Thank you, and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry we weren’t close enough. I’m so sorry the pain you endured was too great. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you more how happy your messages made me, that you thought of me so often. I got so used to your tumblr messages, like a cute note left on the counter from a friend. 

I wish I could have told you how much your presence mattered to me.

Suicidal thoughts come like a storm and they ravage you- and, sometimes, they drown you. I believe with every fiber in me you fought every day for your right to exist, and I’m so proud of you for how far you came. I’m just sorry I couldn’t have somehow helped you make it a little further, a little longer, until the storm cleared this time.

To the new faces that found something in my work that touched them or made them feel safe... and to the old faces who have grown up with me and seen me struggle with my own depression, coming out with my partner, fighting to keep making art for people with struggles like us, and anyone in between- 

I love you very much, and your existence matters to me. 

I know it may seem small. I know you may feel invisible in the sea of faces and usernames. But I would not be here without your support and your kindness, and the small ways each of you form relationships with me, even if we’re miles and countries apart. I struggle with suicidal thoughts more as an adult than ever before- and I want you to know you are not failing because it’s gotten harder. Everyone tells you it gets easier when you get older- I wish it was.

But- I promise to each and every one of you who has depended on me or looked to me as a way to hang on one more day in spite of all the hate and pain you’ve endured, be it because of your identity or who you love- I will be strong for you. I will get up every day for you, so I can speak with you guys again. so I can one day share my stories and my art and touch hearts of people that struggled like me, so that maybe- just maybe-- someone might hang on one more day, and that day can lead to another.. and I can get to watch you grow up, too. 

No matter how dark the world becomes, or how close I feel to the edge, I will hang on. 

Please stay with me, too.

Please find something to tether to in that dark place, no matter how small or insignificant it seems. Please cling to it with all your might. Let a loved one hold you as the sobs shake your body. It’s okay if they can’t fix what’s broken. It’s okay if existing feels impossible and suffocating right now- it won’t always be that way. I promise- and I promise this to myself, too, as I navigate a dark place of my own this year. Please remember that I remember you, that there are people you would never expect that would fall apart to be there for you if you needed them.

Rest in peace, Daine; Yourknightofgrey, princeofsparrows. I will miss you so dearly.