#like microdosing on rejection

[somekindafairy]

im always curious when i loose a chunk of followers what did it, like what was the last straw, broski, what finally did you in

[cuntsympathizer]

I’m serious we need to find a drug that has no bad side effects I can’t raw dog like this. #tolerancebreak

[ohbo-ohno]

My bad- doggirl inclusion time

Eager to please Princess fighting between the desire for praise and respect that she never got from her parents and that's what drove her to Johnny all those years ago, his kindness and his reverence for her, and now she's losing it to a cruel conqueror who's killed her parents. Ghost has taken all the respect Johnny had for his princess and turned it into pure manic lust, he doesn't respect her anymore, sees her as something to be earned and won, and Princess wants so badly to get her old Johnny back, the Johnny that fed her sweetness on the silver spoons she's been given, and so she tries to microdose giving in, tiny things that really are so much bigger than she thinks, calling Ghost by his name, for once, earns her a beaming smile from Johnny and she feels *good* about herself for the first time in a while, she needs that, and so she tries so hard to tightrope walk and not fall in like Johnny has but the only thing worse than not getting Johnny's praise is getting his rejection, and when she tries to pull away again or remind him of the terrible things Ghost has done, he snaps, calls her *selfish* for not being willing to understand and accept that he adores ghost too and that Ghost is taking care of them and she's being a brat and ungrateful etc

Ghost is willing to push Princess slowly because Johnny is doing all the heavy lifting. If he feeds Johnny praise and makes Johnny a good puppy, eventually, by proxy, Princess will get there, too. He drip feeds her pleasure and sweetness from a distance and watches as she starts to get eager for it, to need it, and the first time he calls her a good girl and sees the glimmer of *excitement* in her eyes rather than disgust, he knows he's got her, hook line and sinker.

🐰

princess training herself in an effort to train johnny has me laughing my ass off (lmaoing, even)

love ghost letting princess push johnny into his hands because she keeps rejecting his affection for ghost, and the more rejection she gives johnny the more johnny looks to ghost for comfort, and then he does the same thing to her :( she just keeps trying to push johnny to distrust ghost, and johnny reacts badly (angrily) every single time, and then she subconsciously seeks that comfort from somewhere else. and well, she's hardly able to talk to anyone but ghost... it's natural for her to feel comforted when anyone shows her affection, there's a certain point after so much stress and betrayal that it stops mattering where the comfort is coming from

also. ghost praising reader by degrading johnny. tells her isn't he such a silly puppy, trusting me? not like you, you're far too smart of a girl while he's literally letting her curl up in his lap and stroking away her tears lmao

(more on that - ghost telling reader she's so good for letting johnny fuck her, even when he doesn't do so well while johnny's fucking her and he gets sooooo sad :( wants to make his girl feel good and his master proud, and he's not doing either :( ghost telling johnny if he can't fuck his princess right, he won't be allowed to at all)

[wakeupthemembersofbylernation]

Be serious for a second, Mark of Athenas. WHY would the writers have Mike say, “We’re friends, we’re friends,” in an argument with the best friend who is canonically in love with him? Were they in a silly goofy mood? No, B*lers you just don’t get it, Mike was just explicitly defining their relationship and making it clear he only sees Will as a friend. He was microdosing the full rejection that will obviously happen in season 5. RIIIGHT, because that’s a thing that definitely happens in media alllll the time, in this manner, between characters who already best friends, whose friendship was never in doubt, when one friend is literally in love with the other friend. No romantic subtext here at all. Just pals being pals.

Stop it, you know that doesn’t make any sense. Like forget about which ship you prefer- from a narrative standpoint, this scene wouldn’t make any sense! Imagine if Lucas got into an argument with Max when they were broken up and Max said, “We’re friends. We’re friends” in an effort to create distance between them. Would you buy that for a second? Or imagine if Dustin got into an argument with Lucas and said, “We’re friends, we’re friends.” That would be weird. Unnatural. Strange. You would look sideways at it and not understand it. But as Stranger Things viewers, we’re used to Mike and Will having these Shakespearean, dramatic ass, High School Musical-coded, melodramatic fights. But because you’re so convinced that Mike is straight and can only be straight, you can’t see the fruitiness in front of you even though it’s a whole orchard. If they were actually going an unrequited love route, there’s so many ways to write that storyline, and I’m afraid this just isn’t one of those ways.

[lianecartmanstimtoy]

Sm South Park Headcanons for the characters that hold my brain hostage. (Also this is them as older teens/adults)

Kyle

-Biromantic/Asexual who just lives happily in comphet for years. He just kinda appreciates and sees the value in everyone but obviously guys just date girls. They just appreciate other men equally you know?

-King has OCD up to his god damn teeth but refuses to see a therapist because there's nothing wrong with him he's just being "proactively cautious".

-Sick kid to neurotic adult pipeline

-Very much takes comfort in the rituals and structure of Judaism

-Often ends up defaulting to mom friend despite how much his friends make fun of him for it

-He's kind of a normie. Like yeah he reads philosophy and psychology but if you try to talk to him about anything remotely indie or punk he kind of just stares at you blankly

-Basketball Guy

-Also hes the one who has a car and is exploited for it

-Does not like Stan hanging out with the Goth kids

Stan

-Closet homosexual trying so hard to be straight

-Bipolar and easily falls into deep depressive lows that he self medicates for

-Randy put him in therapy just so he could rant at the therapist about how toxic Stan is

-He believes deeply he's just a fuck up and has kind of given up on trying. Why play the rat race if your destined to lose? Might as well just party

-Gets tired of Kyle nagging him constantly

-Hangs out with the Goth Kids more and I think he and Michael become close

-He gets crushes easily but the big ones are Kyle and Michael. But Kyle's straight so that's just another reason to self destruct

-He wants to like Wendy so fucking bad. He wants to be good. He wants to be her boyfriend. He just..doesn't know how to pretend good enough to make it real

-inevitably they break up for real in highschool and it sends him into one of the deepest lows of his life

-After this he gets insanely drunk and kisses Kyle but Kyle just assumes he's out of it and never brings it up again because he doesn't want to embarrass Stan. This drives Stan mental

-His parents seriously discuss military school and Stan is considering just joining out of highschool anyways

-He's just a body why not put it to work

Eric

-HOMOHOMOHOMOHOMO ANY PRONOUNS GENDER FLUID HOMO

-So very insanely closeted out of fear of being rejected

-Kenny knows

-On anti psychotics that he regularly forgets to take

-Writes explicit fanfiction about him and his friends and posts them on A03 under different names

-Has a Twitch stream drag hustle like Finnster (initially he was using butters for this but then she came out at Margarine and said she didn't want to be a online whore because she was a respectable lady and Eric took up the mantle himself)

-Clyde is one of his regular watchers and donators but has 0 idea it's Eric

-Eric eventually blocks him because Clyde keeps sending him dick pics

-Kylekylekylekylekylekylekylekyle

-He wants his attention so bad it's insane

-His best friend is his mom

-They have weekly spa nights and watch romcoms and dating reality tv together

-He taught her a skin routine

-He has sent in online auditions for Kidzbop multiple times

-Kenny was his first kiss and first time

Kenny

-Any Pronouns genderfluid bi king

-Mostly gets He/Him'd by his friends but brushes it off

-Has done his rounds in the school but no relationship has ever lasted long

-He has a tendency to let himself be used as he sees his service and time as the only thing he can offer other people (this extends to his friends as well)

-Sweet goofy persona that quickly turns dark if someone really fucks up (this happens rarely but they're terrifying)

-She works as a mechanic apprentice outside of school and has a cobbled together motor bike she built herself

-Flirts with everyone and craves touch and affection

-Kind of one of the only people who genuinely likes Eric and sees past his bullshit

-The friend who knows how to get things

-Was Elated when Margarine came out and wants to be her boygirl wife so bad

-Microdoses some back alley E as a treat

-Only ever really hangs out with Stan when Stan wants to party

-Despite being friends with everyone Kenny often feels incredibly isolated and lonely

-Everyone calls him when they need something but who does she call when she needs something.

Michael (Goth Kid)

-he/it, stealth trans, just IDs as Queer

-Jewish but insanely quiet about it

-Used being goth initially as a way to distract kids from making fun of him for his heritage. Now he's in deep

-Very vocally loathes Eric Cartman and will beat him

-Cane is passed off for aesthetics but is a needed mobility aid for joint issues

-The older goth kids are an acting Polycule but will date outside of each other

-He starts to get close to Stan and enjoys how real he feels.

-Has a contentious relationship with Kyle and how he kind of morally lord's himself over Stan and others

-Doesnt have much of a relationship with his parents. His mom and dad are separated and although he lives with his dad his father regularly travels for business so he often gets the house alone to himself.

-Secretly takes a lot of comfort from his dad's old records

-He also has a secret hiding place in some abandoned sewer pipping where he goes to get away from everyone including his friends. Stan is the only one who knows about it

-On a first name basis with a lot of the unhoused people in South Park and will hang out with them as well

-He has a black kippah for holidays or temple (though his father rarely goes to temple anymore

(I will write more for others later this has already taken me an hour

[moosemonstrous]

PLEASE tell me more about the 'Corruption in your au cause it sounds like there might be mutating properties there because of the sickness you described please please please god demon blood as a genotoxin would be so cool. CORROSIVE GENOTOXIN AHH. MIXING ALIEN AND RESIDENT EVIL UP IN THIS BITCH

If that's the case is Robbie just. Microdosing on it every time he hooks up to the Charger????

Sorry I just really really love what you're building here I hope this is coherent

Aw trust me it's only happening because you lot give me the good brain chemicals by engaging x

Well mostly I was rewatching the movie and wrote down "Kaiju = demons" and THEN it hit me that it's a neat way to add a supernatural element to the AU. As much as Iiked the idea of Eli being a figurative ghost in the machine, being a literal one allows for him to maybe take over Robbie’s body without somehow manipulating him to undergo an invasive brain surgery first 😂

And then @cicada-candy introduced me to LD+R's Sonnie's Edge, where people control monsters via neural links. Which a) slaps, b) made me think of introducing smaller, run-of-the-mill demons into the world. Which led to Amadeus studying the exposure. In PR Kaiju blue is basically a neurotoxin, but if I'm adding Marvel, why not get mutants on board? If you faff around with the corruption, 99.99% of the time you end up puking up your stomach lining, but maybe in some extremely rare occasions your immune system rewrites itself to accommodate some chance of a survival. It's extremely unscientific and drives the likes of Stark bananas.

Robbie has, at some point in his life, survived contact with the corruption. So has Eli. Robbie doesn’t remember that - his mother died in the same event, so he had other things going on - but that would be why he lived through drifting with a haunted jaeger while everyone else to make the attempt died pretty much immediately. He's still at a risk of becoming overwhelmed, but yeah, microdosing is the word - by continual exposure, he's building immunity to the corruption that binds Eli to The Charger. Eventually he will be strong enough for Eli to be able to invade without his body rejecting him, but neither of them know that yet. Maybe if Amadeus gets an opportunity to run those tests 🤔

The fight with Inferno in that bit I posted earlier today would've been like, their third together. Robbie is mostly distracted with trying to keep his head above the water and avoid admitting to anyone that he's hearing voices, while Eli begins to figure out his own abilities - and maybe some other voices he's hearing in the drift, too. Surviving the firestorm was as much a surprise to them as it was to anyone else 🔥

[lottiecrabie]

Hi Lottie! I wanted to ask you how to talk to guys/girls (unsure rn lol) you like. I am so awkward and I feel like I can never hold a conversation with anyone I feel like I may have a crush on. Also I get this uncomfortable feeling when I have a crush bc I don’t want to embarrass myself/mess things up. I want to be able to actually have a chance with my crush but I feel like its impossible atp. (Ps does this count as virgins anonymous?)

oh god. i fear flirting is just kind of something you have to feel in the moment, or at least that’s always been my approach. to me, it’s very much a Vibe Thing; the person has to flirt back, you have to ping-pong off each other. i guess my way tends to lean towards teasing them, and also brushing against them and being in each others faces. when i get drunk, i become a very intense and avid listener and start having a number of enthralled facial expressions and that has made people think i was flirting with them more than i wanted to. asking them lots of questions about themselves is also always a good way to make contact; everyone loves to talk, to feel like you’re interested.

although, again, i don’t know if you going over to them and trying to mentally check off flirting techniques will be any help. i say try to have just a normal conversation with them first, maybe wait for an opportunity, something class related, so you have a neutral subject to talk about. see if there’s a bit of conversational chemistry — and maybe there won’t be, maybe they’re boring people and you will know that it’s just not clicking! if you don’t know what to say, ask a question, and another, be interested in them. see if it flows, if they ask back or don’t care about you, and that, too, will show you whether they’re interested themselves. read the vibes, start maybe teasing them, or however you personally feel like flirting — maybe, au contraire, it’s giving a bunch of compliments or suggestive comments. a lot more natural.

in the end, i’m just not sure there’s fully a way to just. Learn how to flirt. i guess other than trying it out on people you don’t care about, and microdosing rejection by asking out random people in bars or parties or whatever, until you get rid of that anxiety and feel comfortable going up to people.

[tokusaatsus]

OMG HI REZE! CONGRATULATIONS ON 300+ FOLLOWERSSSSSSSS!!!!!! (1K soon???)

For the event, may I request 🤭

A,O and S with Kohaku please?

Thank you in advance and CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN!!! 💓💓💓

OUKAWA KOHAKU + A, O, S

warnings: mild references to blood (canon-typical df activities)

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

Kohaku’s affection is more low-key. He’s not used to expressing it well–or at all, for that matter–so don’t expect any grand gestures, like a loud declaration of his affection for you in a crowded area or something similar. If anything, he’s more likely to sneak up behind you and wrap his arms around your waist, burying his face into your back. When it comes to receiving, Kohaku’s more of a physical touch kind of person, but he shows his love by giving you gifts. Little things, like a keychain he won at a gachapon or a bracelet that reminded him of you. If you wear it, or put it somewhere he can see, I guarantee you will have one smug bee-friend.

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Kohaku’s particularly wary when it comes to his past. It’s understandable, really, when you consider it. His biggest fear is you or Aira finding out all the things he’s done–all the ways he’s stained himself, hands dripping with blood–and hating him for it. It’ll take him a lot of time to come to terms with the fact that you might actually want to know more about him. He’ll go slow, giving you small amounts of information at first–microdosing. Then, when he feels that he can tell you without fear of rejection, he’ll delve a little deeper into the nitty-gritty of it all. He’ll spare you the necessary details, and give you a quick summary, waiting for you to pronounce your judgement.

s = security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

Kohaku can be pretty overprotective at times–and with good reason. As an Oukawa, he already has a decent number of enemies, and he’s only gained more with his Double Face activities. Enemies who wouldn’t hesitate to use the people he loves, like you and Aira, against him. If the need arises, Kohaku wouldn’t waste any time before kicking the asses of anyone who might have hurt you, whether with his fists or with his words. However, what Kohaku longs for is stability. Being able to relax in the presence of others, without fearing a knife in the back, is something he cannot afford. With you, though… He doesn’t have to worry all that much.

notes!

WC: 410 words

reze txt HAI HAI HARU !! TY TY <3 ( NO WAY LOL 1K IS LIKE. 500 TOO MANY ) omg yes yes ofc u can req kohaku !! here is ur skrunkly <3 i hope u enjoyed it !! mwah mwah <3

[trans-wojak]

I just wanted to say I saw your response to the ask about Nex and I wanted to say that the way you explained your stance is very well thought out…

I hold the same beliefs as you, and I would like to not be on Anon but I fear if my friends found I hold these beliefs that they would call me transphobic and hate me (it is a kinda complicated situation…)

I just want to say I admire your bravery to speak your thoughts and opinions so openly and seemingly without fear of being rejected because of them. I hope one day to be able to have the confidence to speak my thoughts on subjects without fearing to be criticized.

-A shy anon 🪼

I have been criticised a lot for my stance because it creates conflict and many people just dislike conflict in general, which I understand. I just avoid trans spaces online and irl these cause they are predominantly filled with trenders and “non binary”. I prefer LGBT mixed spaces cause atleast those are not just a group made up of women who ID as non binary. Since it’s LGBT and not “trans”, there is less room for radical feminist man hating bullshit cause gay men will tell them to stfu.

Non binary in my experience and research is really just radical feminism lite, it reminds me of “political lesbians” who were straight femcels out of choice. All core beliefs of non binary activism heavily align with radical feminist theory more than it does with anything about trans rights. Contrary to popular belief, many radical feminists believe that medical transition is fine aslong as you retain that you’re a masculinised female or feminised male and don’t assert you are changing your sex or try to be in any of your group’s gendered spaces. Though, this treatment is mainly only directed at trans women - they rarely care about trans men sharing spaces with cis men cause they see it as “rebellious against the evil patriarchy” and benefiting.

This is why most “detrans” TERFs you find will have identified as non binary but then switched, usually after trying testosterone and ACTUALLY getting dysphoria. If you go to non binary subreddits, there’s countless posts about being scared to start T cause “I don’t want *insert literal male sexual characteristic*” or even worse “I don’t want to be perceived as a cis male”. The comments are filled with encouragement to start T anyway, saying you can microdose to control effects (a lie, it just makes it slower), suggesting taking certain hormone blockers to literally block male sexual characteristics but get very minimal ones that could be achieved through diet, exercise and voice training. Or worse, suggestions that laser hair removal isn’t even hard or expensive, it’ll work blah blah.

These retards then go on T, get side effects that cause actual dysphoria and then go full blown radical feminist.

At this point? I think anyone who identifies as non binary should be banned from transitioning medically. I don’t think you should qualify for a gender dysphoria diagnosis unless you want to be the opposite sex; not some magical androgynous being to get out of misogyny in society.

Though I do keep my beliefs to myself in many situations to avoid conflict but I also play heavily on my autism as an excuse for things, if the government and society wanna deem me as retarded then I’ll play into it. So, no I struggle with singular they cause I’m autistic. Honestly, I actually do struggle with singular they especially if they look entirely as their birth sex. I just don’t bother putting in effort cause I don’t care about how they feel. The worst woman I ever encountered who got mad at me for this was self diagnosed autistic, had a fucking child and was raising him “as non binary” so she got mad if you used he/him. I’m all for not raising kids with no gender roles or stereotypes but doing that is gonna fuck up the kid.

I also know a woman who started T cause she thinks she’s non binary and immediately stopped cause of body hair growing. Now she complains about her slightly deeper voice and says she wants to get pregnant again but worries that T hurt her. Oh she still retains she’s non binary tho, just that she likes living as a female “cause its way more comfortable” - yeah cause you’re a cis woman!

Anyway sorry for the rant, I’m glad that my opinions aren’t all seen as me being uwu disrespectful and mean cause my intent isn’t to be “mean” it’s to use critical thinking. If you want, you can privately DM me to discuss more on this so you don’t feel so alone in your convictions. It’s one of the reasons I have stopped showing my face online publicly cause trenders tried to doxx me, dangerous at times to not believe in non binary.

[pompettepink]

How to be ur true self without being scared of dissaproval rejection etc ...?

How to be true to yourself without fear of disapproval or rejection

There are so many people out there who are willing to meet you where you're at, grow to love who you are, or will simply never enjoy your presence. It can be hard maneuvering through life with so many possible outcomes with every social interaction you have. But coming into yourself has never been easy, yet the journey is so worth it, especially since there are steps you can take to understand yourself and the way others could perceive you.

First you have to understand yourself

Are you the type of person that fixates on what other people might think of you? Are there instances where you hold back because you're afraid that others might think you're "doing too much" by openly enjoying yourself? Do you ever look back on certain instances and wish you had been more authentic because you knew you would have enjoyed the moment better if you were being real? Think back on every uncomfortable and satisfying moment you've ever shared with someone and dissect WHY you felt the way that you did. Maybe you held back one day because a popular girl was around and you didn't wanna potentially embarrass yourself. Maybe you were hanging out with your crush and you were being extra that day and everything went well! What behavior was it that you think created the good and bad reactions? What perspective did you gain afterwards? And what wouldn't you change about yourself.

Start keeping track

Sort out all your thoughts and write them down. List out as many positive attributes about yourself that you can and as many negative attributes you can think of. They need to be exactly the same length. I'm sure you might feel the need to make the negatives longer but be gentle with yourself! Read the negatives out loud first, then the positives. Whenever someone compliments you take notes! Break down the who, what, where, when, why, and how's. Believe people when they speak good about you. Be mindful when people are critical of you. Are they just being hateful or are they making good points? Getting a mosaic of opinions will help you solidify your amazing qualities and will help you scrutinize your less savory traits.

Microdose rejection

I'm so serious!! Being comfortable with yourself doesn't come naturally to most people. You GOTTA put in the work because you're worth it! Put yourself in situations where you might not be received very well. If you're dining out for dinner and really want the lunch menu ask. They'll tell you no, then you can move on from that. Yes it'll be a little embarrassing but you'll learn to handle rejection. If you're an amateur singer audition for the school play with your friends. You probably won't get any part but you'll have a funny story to share in your friend group and you'll learn to handle rejection. Reach out to other people on tumblr and ask if they wanna be mutuals! You'll likely get ignored but if you ask enough people you'll end up receiving an enthusiastic yes and you'll learn to handle rejection. The more you become comfortable being rejected in non serious instances the easier it'll be to get deal with rejection in important matters.

Keep it real!!!!

Like honestly! Staying in the shadows of your own life serves no purpose! Being afraid of yourself isn't helping! Not taking as many opportunities and chances you can doesn't get you anywhere! You don't want to look back on your life and see yourself as someone you barely recognize. At the end of the day you're you and you're gonna be you forever!!! Might as well enjoy your youness to the fullest!!!

Putting yourself out there can be really scary. But when things go smoothly it's sooooo worth it! And it always better to take some chances and stay true to yourself than to hide who you are out of fear and bat zero every time!

[inkofamethyst]

October 6, 2023

Currently microdosing insanity by not being involved in a performance this whole semester.

Something really funny about me (from my perspective anyway) which relates to my forgetfulness is how I will literally go out to some social event with the express purpose of meeting new people and then after having a fun time with the new people I've met who I think are cool or whatever, I just don't ask for their contact information. I feel like I should write this instruction on my wrist in the future so I don't forget. Like otherwise I'll just walk away from the interaction like "wow I really hope I see that awesome person around :)" when I totally have the power to ensure that it happens lol. (I mean maybe there's a part of me that fears the rejection but I don't think that's the major issue here, I think it's mostly just forgetfulness.)

Mini rant: I finally washed the $75 sweatshirt I got from my undergrad as a graduation/going-away present, and tell me why the decals started tearing after the literal first load???? Literally so upsetting, it's such a cozy sweatshirt and I don't want it to look ragged within a couple months of use!!? Next time I'll wash inside-out and hang-dry I guess? And it's not really something I can reasonably fix (I don't think). :/ I suppose now I know better than to go for sweatshirts with that kind of decal stitching but UGH ughhhh.

Totally different note: the effect of a 28-day hormone cycle on the shape of my body is literally unreal. Love my flat stomach days, but such a huge range in waist circumference over the course of a month is wild.

Today I'm thankful that I went to another POC event this evening (with good food and a take-home plate), and I think I made some good connections. Gotta maintain 'em now.

On the opposite end, I uh, I also think I've decided that there are some people (really, one person in particular) who I just really do not vibe with. It's not even anything they've said to me/about me, as they've been quite kind. But from my perspective, our personalities just aren't mixing well. I do not feel a growing sense of peace in their presence which is something I expect of a new friend. So I trust my gut, and this doesn't have to be a big thing, but I feel fairly decided on this matter.

[ursusarctos42]

Rewatching the show Love Is Blind, I'm thinking about why I like it so much.

Part of it is definitely the messy, trainwreck, can't look away drama. I believe the other part is this situation where the Straights get to microdose Gay-ness, more specifically lesbian-ness.

Think about it:

- a big group of singles are all dating each other (like what happens with a lot of gay friend groups)

- they're meeting unconventionally and worried about what their parents will think (definitely a common gay experience)

- some parents / family / friends fully reject them for the way their love story began and then have to decide whether they still want to be married without their family's approval (again common with gay people).

PLUS!

- The way they meet and just talk forever, and then immediately get engaged and move in together on an accelerated timeline is SUPER lesbian.

I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of yet

Anyway, it's really fun to watch these (mostly privileged) straight people deal with a smidgen of "gay issues" and say things like "no one understands what I'm going through!" Lol okay hun 😂

[xenosagaepisodeone]

I have an interview tomorrow that I really want to bail on, the work itself isn’t too awful (part of it is managing data for trains...which is nice) but there’s this routine managerial/corporation/clientele communication component that fills me with a very familiar dread. I think of myself as someone who will do what’s necessary no matter what, so backing out feels viscerally less like I’m declining this one job and more as if I’m rejecting working overall. I considered that perhaps what I needed to strengthen my conviction in working was to envision what would make me content at a job, but when I ask myself “What would I want the most out of a job?”, the only answer that feels earnest is “I would like to feel safe”. My idea of “safe” amounts to being in an environment where conflicts and their respective recourse maintain a great degree of predictability, so even if they are deeply unpleasant, or the resolutions are unfulfilling, even if they reemerge, just as stupid and as blunt, forever, I can find a way to insulate and persevere, as I always have.

Jobs by design are intended to make you insane, however, and I feel like most people I know don’t manage their lives around making sure that they’re microdosing the right amount of pain daily before even considering to seek out something pleasurable and rewarding. I think I really do have to go back to college to meet patchouli knowledge (this is code for.....something).

[fatlarde]

back in college after my worst breakup, i went on a yearlong bender just constantly partying because i couldnt be alone with myself or sit with the feeling of hurt and rejection and id go out and forget who i was and have a great time but every time i sobered up alone in my studio apartment id have this awful distorted emptiness within me that i couldnt stand bc it’d drive me into a suicidal shame spiral that would last for hours and id just go out again and again and again and again anyway every time i hook up with someone i feel like im microdosing that season of my life again even tho i am mainly sober now. is there anything a b*tch can do to  just not feel so alone and empty in this world? btw i have a very active social life with good, stable people and i have a good relationship with my family and also i volunteer and have a job and have hobbies so like.....lmao Back to therapy i suppose

[starfxckersinc]

I’m on SSRIs for depression & OCD & j have maintained throughout my entire process of consuming them that even if they have a placebo effect, i do not care. I don’t care where the positive element of my treatment is coming from I do not give a fuck. and I also maintain that I am an adult capable of making my own medical decisions.

& what’s upsetting to me is that i do believe a lot in radical medicine & treatment & I do believe the psychiatric industry is horrific. but now my parents who compounded my issues, ignored my suffering, traumatized me into having further problems, etc. are devaluing therapy & medication & insisting on the benefits of radical treatment programs and I just am not ready to hear about that from them. even if we could find someone willing to microdose me on hallucinogenic drugs i don’t want anything to do with them. i fundamentally do not trust anything my parents say bc they don’t trust anything that tells them they’re wrong. my therapist has been insanely helpful for me and has been my lifeline and they hate her bc she pointed out my mom’s extreme sexism & internalized misogyny, for example, and they tried to cut her off from me even though she saved my life.

like, their “radicalization” really isn’t radical if it’s just another means of intently controlling what I do with my body and how I handle the pain im in. like to them I’m sure it’s seen as protection, but their version of protection is completely eliminating threatening or foreign elements and locking me down to constant surveillance.

it’s just really depressing to me that the defining factor of my life which has been my mental health is something I can’t really have a say on. and when I say something it’s not about what I think, it’s about protecting me via assuming that I’m vulnerable or naive, and it’s just. i guess I feel like she doesn’t really care about protecting me truly, that part of my mom’s problem is that she has to control me. and those things are probably irreversibly linked in her head. but I don’t need to be dominated and stifled to be protected and rejecting me bc I’m doing something “dangerous” is really like lowkey withering me at my core

[empireofvultures]

Don’t have much positive to say. Losing every fight except music. And getting laid. And looking good. A friend who has a one year old was telling me how he’d love to switch lives for a few weeks.  Feels like I spent all morning getting punched in the face and all people see is me lazing around at lunch.  The job rejections have made me more depressed which makes me want to give up even more. Emotionally checked out a while ago. I haven’t watched porn in a long time. Other than my home made ones. And things women have sent me. I don’t know how how long I’ll be able to keep this up but it feels like a nice break. It has not fixed my depression however.  Microdosing hell by having all the time in the world to write with nothing to say