#like my mom tried to make me join a christian young group that made the teens sleep on the floor in the side of their bed

[just-an-enby-lemon]

The upside of having catholic christian trauma instead of protestant christian trauma is that my trauma is waaay more aesthetic.

Like you get all the guilty and the bigotry but you get it at a boring room by a man in a suit and there is no chance of getting playfully bitch slaped by an old man wearing a pointy hat on confirmation.

[afictionalwhore]

Little Miss Perfect

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A/N: I have so many plans for this bad boy that’s been sitting in the back of my mind for a hot minute now after a conversation with @jadequeen88. Thank you bby for reading over this!

T/W: dubcon/noncon; religious references and religious guilt; cheating

4.5K words

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There wasn't much at all in your little town in the middle of Nowheresville: population just over 300. The nearest Walmart was at least a twenty minute drive over to the next town, but you had a Dollar General Market to do your weekly grocery shopping. There was a school that ran from pre-k all the way up to high school, where you graduated from with a senior class consisting of a grand total of sixteen. The Dairy Queen down the road from your high school did best in the region, thanks to bored, local high schoolers on Friday nights. Your town also boasted the birthplace of the state's governor years ago, but no one remembered him, having three other governors since his last term. Despite the dullness of everyday life, you were happy. You had grown up best friends and high school sweethearts with the most respected boy in town: Natsuo Todoroki.

Of course, your quaint little town also had a church, as any well-to-do Southern town would. The church was like any other Southern Baptist affair, pristine, white, and much too large for such a small town. A long hallway behind the sanctuary led to a few classrooms, a choir practice room, and a stairwell to the basement. In the basement were the kitchens, a few more classrooms, and a large empty room where church events were held that doubled as the town’s community center. This was where bingo nights for the elderly members of the community were held, and the occasional baby shower or wedding reception could be held there. Pastored by Enji Todoroki, or Brother Enji as the town lovingly referred to him, the church congregation contained essentially the entire population of your small town. Even the local alcoholic your town was very hush about would make his way to Christmas and Easter services. 

Being Natsuo's sweetheart, volunteering at the church was naturally what kept your what would otherwise be boring life busy. There was always something to be done, be it a simple cleaning of the sanctuary or helping cook for the elderly's monthly bingo nights. Not only were you Natsuo's sweetheart, but you were the town's darling, working dutifully every Sunday by Natsuo's side with the church's children. You were a natural, studying early childhood education at a small, private Christian-based university just a few hours away where Natsuo had earned his pastoral ministries degree, aiming to take over the congregation when his father retired. The old ladies of the community constantly hounded you about when you and Natsuo would get married and give the church a baby to dote on. 

"After I graduate," you would say with a smile, dusting your flour-covered hands off on the aging pink apron that had to be from the 1950s before setting a timer for the hawaiian roll sliders in the ancient oven in the church’s basement kitchen. “I want to work a little, give back to the community before becoming a full time mom.” 

This was the only thing you dared fight Brother Enji on. Natsuo, two years your senior, had already been graduated for a year, and Enji had been adamant that you go ahead and marry after he had graduated, as eager as the old women that whispered to each other during bingo nights for you two to continue the Todoroki line. 

But you would not falter, stating that while you had every intention to marry Natsuo and sign your life off as a Todoroki, the least Enji could allow you was your education. You had dreamed since childhood of teaching at the school where you and Natsuo attended elementary together. You loved children, giving your all to the church children you worked with multiple times a week, but you were not at all ready for your own. You were just barely twenty-one years old; Natsuo a young and hopeful twenty-three. The thought of having children now scared you and Natsuo both. It scared you more than saying “no” to Enji.

You may not have had the loftiest goals of your small graduating class, but you were sharp and knew that education was not something Enji would take lightly. Surely, Enji wanted an educated woman as his first, and perhaps only, daughter-in-law, seeing as Shouto was likely to move across the country for college and never come back, and Fuyumi had no intentions of marrying. Touya, Enji’s oldest son with piercings and tattoos as numerous as stars in the coal dusted skies and his hair dyed black to match, was another situation entirely. 

Everyone, Touya Todoroki included, believed that he would have left by now. Touya had tried to leave, fleeing to a state university the moment he had graduated from your pitiful high school. Unsurprisingly to you and the rest of the congregation, Touya, with his undeclared major and runaway attitude, had been swept up in the party lifestyle of state school fraternities and quickly failed his way out of college. Brother Enji had been swift to bring him back home, ashamed and embarrassed at the congregation’s whisperings about what Touya had done to the Todoroki name. So here he was, Touya Todoroki, local rebel and stain on an otherwise perfect Christian family, begrudgingly coming to Easter service, listening to his father preach and watch his perfect brother, Natsuo, clean up the mess he had made of the family reputation.

You were there, naturally, front and center and practically glued to Natsuo’s side, in your pretty pink Easter dress. The pastel flowers decorating your dress seemed to float down the modestly lengthed skirt. Touya felt his blood boil, watching perfect little you with his perfect little brother listen intently to whatever biblical nonsense his father spouted off. He stretched, his suit feeling hot and tight, as though he were trying to discreetly scratch an awkward itch. You shifted in your seat, leaning slightly more into Natsuo, blissfully unaware of Touya’s hot gaze from the back row. 

Touya knew the routine, after a brief sermon to the entire congregation, his father would send you and Natsuo off to take the children to children’s church and youth group. You and Natsuo rose from your seats in the pews after Enji's final blessing on the children, your pretty skirt twirling with you as you spun to face the children. Your smile was as bright as a porch light on a Southern summer night, and the children flocked to you like little moths. They clung to your skirt and pulled you towards the door while the older kids trailed behind with Natsuo. Natsuo stood straight, as though he were a shepherd and you were his most beloved lamb. 

Touya made eye contact with his brother as you made your way down the aisle to the back of the sanctuary where he sat with Shoto. Natsuo looked at the older Todoroki with pure disgust and hatred, as though willing the gray ice of his eyes to freeze Touya to death on the spot. Touya broke the stare with his brother only to find that his bright aquamarine eyes met your own round ones just in front of him. Your brief surprise at his presence quickly melted into pity, a sad smile gracing your face, before you were swept out the door by the children.

The anger rose in Touya as you and Natsuo disappeared with the children out the back of the sanctuary. His blood boiled so hotly he felt he may burst into flames in the middle of Easter service. Before he could stop himself, Touya found himself rising from his seat. He needed a smoke, a drink, the floor to open up and swallow him down to hell like his father prayed it would. He just wanted out of the damned sanctuary. Shoto, who was feigning sleep beside Touya, cracked his eyes open to give Touya a quick glance, quirking an eyebrow in a silent question, “where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” Touya hissed. Touya knew Shoto could see straight through the outright lie, both of the youngest Todoroki's eyebrows now raised in further silent interrogation: "really?" Touya dipped his head below the back of the pew in front of them and mimed a cigarette. Shouto shrugged and closed his eyes again. Lucky for Touya, Shoto cared just as much about their father’s godly ramblings as Touya did, perhaps even less. Who would he snitch to that Touya had slipped out of Easter service for a smoke? If Shoto weren’t at least decently scared of their father, he may have even joined Touya.

Touya left the sanctuary and strolled down the hall towards the back entrance of the church, in no immediate rush to get back to his father’s sermon. He had almost made it to the back exit doors when he noticed a flash of pink fabric rustle down the stairwell to this left, accompanied by the graceful pitter-patter of your low heels against the hard stairs that led to the church basement. 

Touya didn’t mean to follow you. He really did mean to go out for a smoke. But he couldn’t help but overhear what was unmistakably your sweet, soft voice comforting who Touya guessed was one of your and Natsuo’s youths, egging him forward to eavesdrop and hoping to catch something he could one day use against you.

You and the girl from youth, a high schooler Touya would have to guess, finally arrived at an abandoned classroom in the basement.

See. There's nothing to worry about,” Touya heard you say. “If you want, I can get rid of it for you. Just go back to Natsuo and the others before they get suspicious.”

“Thank you so so much,” the girl sniffled. "But what about you?"

“Easy,” you laughed. Touya could hear your perfect smile in the gentle laugh. “Just tell them I had to stop by the restroom if they ask about me.”

"I wish I were as perfect as you," the girl said. Touya thought he would vomit.

"Nobody's perfect," you laughed. Touya thought he'd get a headache with how hard he rolled his eyes. How much more cliche can you get?

The loud scraping of the chair against the tile floor signaling that you were leaving broke Touya from his thoughts. Lucky for him, the basement hallway was dark with plenty of shadows for him to jump into as the youth girl made her way back to the stairs to join the rest of the youth. 

You had decided to stay behind for a few moments, examining something in your hands that the high schooler had given to you. When he was sure that the girl had gone back upstairs, Touya left his shadowy hiding place and slipped into the room, slamming the door behind him and clicking the lock.

You jumped up out of your seat at the sound of the door, turning quickly with a rustle of fabric and throwing your arms behind you to hide whatever it was that you were holding.

“Whatcha got there, doll?” He cocked his head to the side, as though his question were from an innocent puppy. The fire in his eyes and the smirking tugging at his face proved he was anything but.

“Oh! Nothing,” you stammered, stepping back into the table behind you as Touya stalked forward towards you.

“You sure about that?" he smirked.

It was as though the chairs parted themselves to make way for Touya.

"Drugs maybe? Ya know, if it’s weed you’re after, you can just come talk to me. I’ve got good connections still and can hook you up better than these high school wannabes. Maybe I could get ya something a little stronger even?”

You blushed at Touya’s insinuation. Your blush grew deeper, a perfect Georgia peach flush, when you realized the closeness between you two. It was the first time you got a good look at Touya. He was handsome, as all the Todoroki boys were, but there was a sharp edge to him. While Natsuo was handsome in the way that a freshly fallen snow is beautiful, Touya’s beauty resembled that of broken glass: dangerously sharp, potentially harmful, yet mesmerizingly beautiful.  

"No, it's nothing like that," you said, lifting yourself up to sit on the table in a pitiful attempt to escape him. His fierce blue eyes staring you down made you uncomfortable at the least. 

Touya didn't notice that he had reached you during his small speech until he was towering over your smaller frame, and you were scrambling to get away. You had to bend your neck back to look up at him. Touya felt a surge of power over you. This was the first time that Touya felt you were actually beneath him. Touya had gotten a taste of dominance over you, and it was something he wanted to savor and make last as long as he could.

Touya wasn’t obsessed with you in the sense that men like him typically obsess over pretty girls like you. Sure, Touya was a man with various unsatisfied needs, and he had thoughts of dreams of kissing you, of fucking you senseless. But his feelings for you went beyond just wanting to fuck you. Touya absolutely hated you and everything you represented. You were the exact opposite of him. You were actually wanted into the family by his father. You were loved by everyone you met. You were perfect, something that Touya could never begin to hope of being.

What Touya felt for you was something he’d never felt for anyone. Touya hated his family just as much if not more than they hated him. He hated your whole godforsaken town as much as they hated him. But you were different. The rage Touya felt towards you paled what he felt for his family or your hometown. He was used to being looked at like he was worthless, less than, a stain on the otherwise spotless community, and he was content with this. But you, with you perfect ways and perfect heart, never looked at him with that disgust, instead your eyes were filled with pity everytime they fell on him. Touya wanted you hurt just as much as he was hurting. He wanted to ruin you and your perfect world, and watch the pity in your eyes turn into a hate that rivaled his own. 

Touya grabbed at your wrist behind you, causing what was in your hands to clatter onto the table and bounce on the floor below you. Keeping you firm in his grasp, Touya looked down to see a pregnancy test on the floor: positive.

“Is that yours?” Touya inquired, his mouth pulled into a sneer that caused your stomach to twist with disgust.

“No,” you flatly replied.

“Okay,” Touya mused, mocking. “So if it’s not yours, then it’s the girl that just left’s?” 

“Why does it matter to you, Touya? Who are you to judge her?”

“I don’t care what the young slut does in her free time. Or should I say, who she does,” Touya laughed more at the discontentment in your face than at his crude joke. “But I know a lot of people who would care. Number one being my dad.”

“Don’t, Touya. Please don’t say anything.”

“Would you let that poor girl shoulder the blame herself?” Touya’s brilliant blue eyes were burning into yours, causing you to freeze like a deer in headlights. “Or would you help take up her cross? Isn’t that what a good little Christian girl is supposed to do? I guess you’re not really a good Christian girl though, what with all the lying and secrets. Does my brother even know about this?”

“No,” you dropped your head to break Touya’s stare. “Nobody but me and you know.”

“What are you going to do to keep it that way?”

“Touya, what do you want from me?” Your voice trembled at the thought of how Touya could wreck your reputation with just the slightest slip of his tongue. “There’s nothing I have that you could want.”

“You have so much I want and you don’t even fucking know it,” Touya growled. 

A feeling of dread rooted in you at the drop of Touya’s voice. You looked back up at Touya with wide doe eyes, blushing under his intense blue gaze. As Touya gripped your smaller wrist in his large hands he realized the one thing he wanted to see in your eyes more than hate—fear. Touya could feel himself growing hard at your fearful expression. 

Touya pushed you down onto the table so your legs dangled awkwardly off the edge and grabbed the fabric of your skirt and lifted up, exposing your white lace panties.

“What are you doing? Touya!” you exclaimed. 

“Oh lace? What a sweet surprise; though I think black would suit you more,” Touya said, ignoring you. 

“What’re you doing? Touya! Stop!”.

“You don’t want me saying anything do you? You said there’s nothing you had that I wanted. Well that’s a lie.” Touya smirked at you while pulling down your panties. “I want to wreck this sweet, perfect pussy. Now just stay still. You’ll feel so good.”

Touya hadn’t meant to take it this far. He had only meant to scare you a bit. But seeing your fearful eyes wet with tears threatening to spill over and ruin your perfect makeup was too much for him to continue holding back. He realized in that moment that his hate for you was just a sad attempt at burying the admiration he held for you at standing up to his father about marrying Natsuo so soon. He wanted to be the one to take you. You were going to be his, not Natsuo’s, but this would be the only chance he would get at having you. Touya wasn’t going to pass up that opportunity.

Touya’s long tongue flicked out against your newly exposed cunt, licking up and down from your tight hole to your sensitive clit, getting you sufficiently wet from your own growing and betraying arousal and his spit. The ball of his piercing rolled against your clit. You jumped with a small yelp and pushed your hips against him to get away, which he mistook as a sign of pleasure.

"Don't hold back, doll. I know you feel good." Touya said. You could feel his smile against your heated flesh.

You didn’t feel good, not at first. His tongue felt slimy and foreign. You weren’t used to being spread open, and your legs felt like they were going to cramp at the angle Touya had you pinned. You felt dirty, especially as you began to relax and enjoy the sensation of Touya’s tongue against you.

As the wet noises from Touya drinking in all you had to offer increased in volume, you found your hips bucking up not in an attempt to push him away but to draw him in more. Touya slipped a finger into you, and you gasped, having never been filled before. You felt like a harlot, but the pleasure Touya was giving you overtook the guilt.

“Touya, please,” you begged, praying for Touya to finish soon, that he would take your pleas as a begging for him to stop. You mostly prayed for forgiveness.

“You close, baby?” Touya asked. You nodded, despite having no idea what you were close to.

Touya inserted another finger, curling them against your wet, gummy walls as his mouth enclosed around your throbbing bud. The sound of your panting and the wet slopping noises coming from between your legs felt too loud. It was all you could hear along with the pounding of your heart.

You felt a twisting in your gut as Touya’s finger quickened their pace. It was like a knot forming deep within you that was threatening to break, stretched too taunt at your tensing muscles. Touya lavished you in sweet praises as he continued eating your dripping pussy, humming against your clit how good you taste.

That was all it took for the knot to break. Touya finally released his grip on your thighs to allow your legs to close tight around his head. Your inner muscles sporadically twitched around Touya’s fingers, attempting to milk him. Your vision grew hazy, and you couldn’t hear anything outside the distant voice of Touya egging you on as you rode out your very first orgasm on his face.

When you had finally come down from your high, you noticed Touya supporting your legs as they trembled around his head.

“Did you feel good?” Touya asked, sickening smirk still plastered on his face.

You only had the energy to nod.

“I guess you aren’t so perfect after all. I mean look at ya, doll, cumming all over your boyfriend’s brother’s face.” Touya chuckled as you turned away, face burning in shame.

How could you face Natsuo? As you turned away from Touya a poster of the Ten Commandments mocked you. You had no hope after breaking the seventh, “Thou shall not commit adultery”. You began to cry at the thought of betraying Natsuo. Even if it wasn’t originally by choice, you were still, in your mind, an adulteress. Never being one to keep your own secrets, you feared that you were also breaking the ninth commandment, “thou shall not bear false witness”, through lie by omission. 

“So is she keeping it or what?”  Touya’s unexpected question brought you out of your self loathing.

“What?” you replied, not understanding what Touya was referring to, brain still foggy from your first orgasm.

“That girl. She keeping the baby? Or is she ya know?” “I don’t know,” you slowly said.

“Would you keep it?” Touya pressed.

“Yes, of course,” you replied in your perfect godly manner, despite just having your boyfriend’s brother’s face buried in your cunt while Easter service continued in the sanctuary above.

“Even if it were mine?” Touya asked, taking you off guard.

“I don’t know what you—“

Before you had time to question him further, Touya had pressed the tip of his cock into you.

“No no. Touya please don’t. Please.” You cried, trying to piece together when he found the time to undo his pants.

You had already given away so much of your body away to Touya and felt yourself growing sick at the thought of Touya taking away what you and Natsuo fought to save for marriage.

“Now I know it’s big, much bigger than my fingers, but you’ll get used to it.” Touya grunted as he pushed himself to the hilt, hips flush against yours. You gasped at how full you felt, and your muscles squeezed around his cock at the larger intrusion, sending shivers down his spine. 

“Hey, hey. Just relax,” Touya said. “Didn’t I just make you feel good?”

You cried, fat tears rolling down your cheeks, as Touya fucked into you, his thick cock hitting every nerve. You clutched at Touya’s arms, nails digging into his tattooed skin as you tried to find purchase. The stretch to accommodate Touya burned and the slap of his skin against yours stung. With each heavy thrust, the head of Touya’s cock knocked on your cervix, as though he were the beloved asking to cum in. 

Eventually the pain subsided into pleasure and your sobs quieted into sniffles before turning into soft moans. Your tears had dried, leaving your makeup remarkably intact.

Touya pressed a hand against your mouth in an attempt to muffle the noises spilling out of you.

"I bet you thought your first time would be perfect, didn't you?" Touya punctuated the thought with a particularly hard thrust that had your body jerking like a ragdoll. “Bet you thought your first time would be with Natsuo. Slow, soft, perfect love making, right?” Another rough thrust that would have thrown you off the small table had it not been for Touya’s other hand holding a fast grip on your hips to keep you pinned 

You answered with a sniffle and moan, and turned your head away from him to hide your tears.

“Well, princess, we don’t have the time for that shit,” Touya laughed, noticing the fat tears threatening to roll down your flushed cheeks and effectively ruin your makeup.

"I may not be perfect, doll, but I'm still pretty good, right?"

You turned your head back to Touya, blushing furiously at the hungry look in his turbulent eyes and hating yourself for how your body had reacted to his touch. The knot in your stomach was forming again, making you desperate for release. Touya laughed as you involuntarily pulsed around him, your body’s traitorous attempt at pulling him in deeper. 

"Just hang on, doll. It'll be over soon." Touya leaned down to trail hungry kisses along your neck and jaw, nipping here and there at the modest amount of exposed flesh on the top half of your body.

You whimpered at how cool Touya’s wet kisses felt against your heated skin. With no real strength in your body, you weakly wrapped your arms around the back of Touya’s neck, desperate for something to hold on to as you and Touya quickly approached your ends.

As his thrusts lost their rhythm and became more desperate, Touya’s hand left your mouth to join its twin at your hips. Touya lifted your hips slightly, giving himself deeper access into you. The new angle had your head spinning and you cried as you felt the knot once again threatening to break.

“Just like that, doll,” Touya chanted as he rolled his hips into yours, pelvic bone hitting against your clit with each roll of his hips. Your warm, wet walls squeezing around him in waves like an earthquake had him toppling over the edge, spilling hot white into you, causing you, in turn, to follow him off that ledge.

Touya laid his heavy body over you, propping himself on his forearms so as not to crush you. You took a moment to regain your breath before reality came crashing down on you.

Touya assaulted you, and you enjoyed it. Touya took away your first time, and you let him. You didn’t fight him back hard enough. You didn’t want to fight him back. You fucked your boyfriend’s brother and loved it.

You started crying, kicking and beating at Touya to push him off of you. 

“Get away from me!” you cried. You sat up painfully straight and clutched at the fabric of your dress at your chest.

Touya chuckled seeing you act like a feral kitten. He tucked himself back in and fixed his pants, acting like nothing had happened. 

“You better hurry up before Natsuo asks where you were. You’re smart I’m sure you’ll come up with some lie, you perfect little sinner.” Touya winked and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head before exiting the room to join Shoto back in the sanctuary where their father was sure to be finishing up his sermon, leaving you to sit in confusion at what had just transpired between the two of you. 

You wept.

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[youknow-i-loveit]

Why I Still Feel Like I Need To Ask Permission Before I Do Anything Ever

Randomly hit with the realization that my parents are still holding me back because they never taught me how to act with autonomy.

They never taught me how to be assertive or how to tell people things.

(They also wrecked my self-esteem, which was pretty horrible to begin with.)

My parents were very “do this because I told you to” authoritarian types who didn’t like to answer questions, and especially hated it when you questioned them. Questioning other authority figures was okay sometimes, depending on who the authority figure was, but my parents wanted to reign over their children with absolute power.

They generally had issues with needing to feel in-control. They didn’t have great role models for what it means to be an authority figure- my mom was the youngest, doted upon and spoiled for being the only girly-girl in the family, and by the time her parents had her (the eighth child), they were exhausted and distant, permissive, laissez-faire parents- and my dad grew up under an abusive military man who routinely beat his children, who used his voice as a weapon, and when he was at work, his wife ruled through manipulation, primarily guilt-tripping. Since my dad was the second of his six brothers, he was considered to have a better idea about how to deal with children, so my mom generally deferred to him, partly because of that, and partly because if my dad didn’t feel like he was in charge, he would make sure everybody felt miserable.

And as they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My dad very much took after his father. He thought he was being toned-down and “gentle,” and bragged all the time about how he had it worse, making it sound like he was going easy on us. He often threatened to act more like his dad. But while I feel bad for him and his brothers and the abuse they endured, that gave him no excuse to abuse us the ways he did.

I could go on and on, but the point is, my parents didn’t know how to be in charge, but they felt that it was their god-given right to be in charge-- literally, they kept throwing “Honor Your Mother And Father” at us from the Ten Commandments.

My parents never admitted to being wrong. In fact, my dad hammered it in that being wrong was shameful and something that none of us should ever, ever do- ignorance was considered shameful, and if we ever dared utter the sentence “I didn’t know,” he would mock us, roar at us, and quite often, make references to that moment for the rest of the day, if not the rest of the week. It took me years to be okay with admitting that I don’t know things. To teach myself that learning should be fun and exciting, and that teaching others new information should be seen as an opportunity, not as a burden.

So my parents are proudly ignorant control freaks with an abusive streak, who want to rule with absolute authority; so far so great right?

My parents were strict Catholics who wanted us to follow their faith. They took us to church every Sunday. They enrolled all of us in Catholic school until they couldn’t afford the tuition anymore. They insulted anyone non-Catholic- even other Christians- calling them stupid and sinners and sometimes even “evil,” and considered anyone who attended Catholic church but didn’t adhere to their beliefs “not true Catholics,” so they were lumped in with the rest of the riffraff who were apparently going to hell.

We were allowed to question authority figures that didn’t adhere to their strict beliefs, and even encouraged to make fun of them, but if we ever dared to question someone who did, my parents informed us with cold, cutting certainty that we were making the wrong choice and were in danger of going to hell ourselves.

We grew up pretty sheltered. Our parents wouldn’t let us participate in most of the fads that swept up everyone else in our peer groups. It didn’t even matter when those peers were all Catholic kids attending our same Catholic school- my parents still thought their parents were making the wrong decisions, and we were effectively isolated from socializing with our peers. For a window into this, consider that I was forbidden from watching or playing Pokemon during the late 1990s. At recess, literally everyone else in my class would “play Pokemon,” whether that meant they were actually playing the trading-card game or whether they were pretending to be characters from the show. Since I wasn’t allowed to participate, I was left alone on the swings, accompanied only by one of the lunch moms who took pity on me. (Her name was Mrs. Stevenson. She was funny. I liked her. For Halloween, she wore an ugly holiday sweater with Froot Loops glued all over it and said she was a ‘cereal killer.’)

We weren’t allowed to watch Sailor Moon, or Rugrats, or Dragon Ball Z. We weren’t allowed to play with Furbies. We were allowed to accept Beanie Babies as gifts, but our parents were too poor to buy us any, so I think the most I had was about six.

We were also (wrongly) informed that people different from us were all stupid. I questioned this from a young age, asking why people were different, but instead of actually answering me, my mom would go “Exactly!” as though that settled that.

So when I asked why African Americans spoke differently or dressed differently or said things like “black pride,” I was told it was because they were entitled and because they thought they were special, but that they were foolish and wrong. It was only later, on my own, that I learned they don’t do these things to set themselves apart from the rest of society out of some weird petty desire to be special and different, but because we stole their culture from them, and they need to reclaim an identity that they can be proud of. The system is stacked against them, so every act of embracing their blackness is an act of rebellion against the system that tries to crush them every day. They speak differently because of where they live, because of history and culture that have shaped their words that way, and if their grammar is improper, that’s most likely due to underfunded school districts, but it could also be code-switching so they fit in with their peers.

And when I asked why anyone would be anything other than Christian if the Bible really was the word of God, and God was real, I was told it was because they’re too stupid or jaded to see the truth. So when my uncle came out as Muslim when I was a teenager, our family ostracized him, berated him, and made fun of him relentlessly behind his back, because we all thought he was stupid. It was years later that I became an atheist and I realized the questioning process he must have gone through, the philosophy he must have studied, the books upon books he must have read, the agonizing introspection he must have endured, all while living under his parents’ roof... 

We were told that we were smart. That we were important and special. 

But we were also taught that we were constantly on the razor’s edge of being undeserving of love or redemption.

Naturally, this caused me to form strong attachments to characters like Loki, Bucky, and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast- characters who others saw as monstrous, but who seemed worthy of redemption, who didn’t seem to deserve everything that was done to them, even as much as they blamed themselves or got down on themselves sometimes.

The constant messages of “you need to be perfect or else” and “you are a disappointment,” accompanied by my dad’s ridiculously high standards, made me desperate for approval. 

I sought favor with my parents nearly every day, but was so often disappointed- especially by my dad. Even when I’d done something I was really proud of, he’d find ways to poke holes in it, talk down to me, call me stupid, and ask something to the effect of why I’d made such a horrible decision.

So I started looking elsewhere.

Friends. Partners. Teachers. Professors. Therapists. Co-workers. Bosses. Other people’s moms. Members of groups I joined. Anywhere I could get it, I was (and still am) constantly thirsty for validation, praise, and approval.

My parents probably weren’t trying to do this, but they taught me to constantly second-guess myself. They taught me that I needed to ask for permission to exist.

One of the things that was brought up over and over again whenever one of us would upset Mom was that “she gave birth to you.” On one memorable occasion, my dad went into graphic detail about how exactly the birthing process worked. He made it sound like some sort of accomplishment, or personal favor, that I should be forever grateful and reverent towards. But I never asked for this. Giving birth was something she couldn’t avoid. I should have never been guilt tripped into feeling like I owed her something for it.

Whenever my dad was a certain flavor of upset, he’d bark “Get out of my sight!” We would flee to some far corner of the house, behind some closed door, and cry where no one could see. In that moment, he had ceased to give permission to exist in his presence.

So when I first came out as trans, I struggled a lot, because I felt like I constantly had to ask everyone around me for permission to be myself.

It’s tragic that, in retrospect, everyone would have respected me a lot more if instead of asking, I had simply told them who I am and then been myself. I should never have felt so timid, so cowed. I should never have felt like I owed anyone an apology for asking them to use my name and my pronouns.

I should have been free to be me.

But when I lived under my parents’ roof, I wasn’t free. I was forced to hide, to pretend. I was forced to let them deadname and misgender me. I was still forced to attend church until I moved out-- I got out of attending weekly mass by pleading that it was detrimental to my mental health, after being forced to attend masses as an atheist for over a year. But in order to keep a roof over my head, I was still forced to attend Christmas and Easter mass every year, and badgered to attend more masses at nearly every opportunity.

I had to lie about who I was dating too. I had to hide all the ups and downs- the euphoria of new crushes and new relationships, the agony and heartbreak of breakups or bumps in the road. I couldn’t ask my parents for advice navigating this extremely important part of my life. Instead I had to figure it all out on my own, and lie, and pretend they were my “friends.”

My parents made me feel as though I couldn’t do anything on my own.

So to this day, I still often feel like I have to ask for help or for moral support in order to get things done. Not everything, but anything that my partner could feasibly be involved in or have any opinion on whatsoever. Filling out forms, looking things up, buying food, scheduling our week.

And anything that I’m not 1000% sure my friends would invite me to, or anything I’m not 1000% sure they want me to do, I’ll hang back on or stay silent. Any sort of physical affection that I’m not 1000% sure is welcome, I’ll hold back on or I won’t even offer, because I’m so scared of rejection or retaliation. Any complaints that I have, I’ll run by someone else first, and sit on for often weeks or months before I bring it up, if I ever bring it up, because I’m so worried that someone’s temper will flare, or that they will grow cold and distant and cut me off from their affection/ attention/ presence.

My parents never taught me how to ask for things.

They never taught me how to tell people things, simple things, like “I’m going to the store,” or “I’m a guy actually,” or say “Oh, you’re going to meet up with a bunch of people I know? Can I come?”

I’m self-taught in a lot of things, but socializing is one of them.

And as I’m sitting here typing this, I’m waiting for my partner, because we have to get through a lot of paperwork and beaurocratic nonsense this week, and even though not all of it strictly needs to involve her, I still feel like I can’t do it on my own.

It’s okay to ask for help. That’s something I’ve had to get used to too.

But sometimes I worry if I ask for too much help. >_<

[bourbonboredom]

A Reason To Believe Chapter 10

Being an undercover officer is a perilous job and Flip Zimmerman knows this far too well. He keeps his romantic life limited to one-night stands, never letting anyone get too close. That all starts to change when he meets a vivacious Jewish woman named Elle just as he’s about to take on a seriously dangerous undercover job; infiltrating the KKK. Elle and his undercover work make him question things he’d never thought to before and challenge him to see the world, and himself, in a whole new light.

A Flip x OC Fic

Word Count: 3,859

Warnings: slurs

And if they stare

Just let them burn their eyes on you moving

And if they shout

Don't let it change a thing that you're doing

Hold your head up, woman

Hold your head up, woman

Hold your head up, woman

Hold your head high

(x)

Spending his Friday night in a backwoods bar with a bunch of racists wasn't Flip’s idea of a good time. The jukebox played the same ten songs in rotation, the lighting probably should have been replaced a good five years ago, and the pool tables were missing cue balls. At least the beer was cold.

He had grown used to the atmosphere at the bar, and the patrons. The smell of cigarette smoke fell heavily over everything, leaving a slight haze in the room. The bar was more populated than usual. A ladies night had been introduced into the roster, filling the usually testosterone-laden room with high heels and skirts.

The girls were pretty enough. Some looked like office-workers, secretaries and nurses. Some were definitely underage, leaving the detective in him rolling. They looked like they were having a good time, whispering among one another before one would wait for a man to approach her. They'd giggle and bat their eyes at anyone who caught their gaze. It was all so normal. It was hard to remember every single one of them was sympathetic to the aryan movement that this bar was home to.

A girl kept trying to catch his eye from across the room. She looked a little younger than him, but older than the underage girls. She wore a simple skirt and blouse with sensible heels. A work outfit, meaning she must have come straight from the office to the bar. Her hair was a dark brown that flowed down her back in soft waves. Her features were distinctly sharp, with high cheekbones and a thin nose. She would stare at him from across the room as he spoke to Walter, occasionally whispering to her friends and giggling.

"She seems sweet on you over there," Walter pointed out, amusement filling his voice.

"So I've noticed," He responded, keeping his answer as neutral as possible.

"She's a pretty one, would make a fine wife," He continued.

"I'm sure she would,"

It wasn't the first time being flirted with while undercover. He'd managed to keep a pretty clean record with undercover cases. But he'd been undercover at a few strip clubs early in his career, weeding out seedy club owners that allowed girls to perform favors in back rooms. Or drug gangs that hired women for company. There was one case where his target's wife got sweet on him and he spent weeks on end trying to politely rejecting her advances.

But he also wasn't dating anyone during those cases. He'd either purposely stop seeing anyone during those periods, or the girl he was seeing would get sick of him never being around and would leave. He made sure Elle aware that things like this might come up, but it didn't make him feel any less strange about it all. She understood he'd have to sometimes be around a certain kind of woman, and she was okay with that as long as he kept his hands to himself. He had no problem with that last part, especially when this woman would openly hate him if she knew his true ancestry.

'Weird how that works' He thought to himself. This woman is attracted to him, but if this were a different bar a different day, and he had his necklace on, she would be repulsed by him.

Elle's words echoed in his head; They don't care who you are as a person if you’re Jewish.

"Ask her to dance, she looks like she could use a partner," Walter suggested, eyebrows cocking up his forehead.

"Maybe later," He was avoiding committing to anything.

"Later? What's the wait?" A new voice came.

A few of the members approached them as they stood by a pool table. They had clearly just gotten to the bar, the cool outdoor air still clinging to their jackets as they formed a semi circle.

"Ron here is taking his sweet time waiting to talk to that sweet thing over there," Walter informed the newcomers, nudging his head in the direction of the girl at the bar.

"Are you stupid? If you aren't snatching that up, I am," One of the men said incredulously.

"By all means, go for it," He offered, putting up a hand in surrender.

"What are ya queer or somethin'?" Felix sneered.

"I ain't no queer," He defended. God, what was this guy's obsession with him? Everyone else accepted him but Felix was constantly badgering him.

"You're passing up on some good genes there," Walter said nonchalantly. "A pure wife is gettin' harder to come by,"

"Yeah, and finding a girl here guarantees her bloodline. Ain't nothin' in his bar that doesn't have Aryan blood runnin' through their veins," Felix grinned, but it came off as unsettling when matched with his words.

"I've done just fine in the past," Flip tried his best to wave them off. "I just got out of a relationship, she was a handful. I'm not in a rush to do that again,"

"All these modern women and their attitudes," Ivanhoe roared, his beer starting to affect his speech. "It's all this women's lib bullshit,"

"What happened to the good old days? When women knew their place was in the home? Now you got all these girls looking to go to college and have careers. Don't they know they aren't built for that?" Another brother bemoaned

"Built for babies an nothin’ else," Walter agreed.

"Hey, now that's not fair," Flip chided. Everyone turned to look at him, eyes wide in surprise anyone would challenge them.

"They're built for cookin' too, I'm not here to make my own damn sandwiches," He laughed, making the room laugh with him.

He knew Elle would kill him if he ever told her he said that. He sent a silent apology into the universe.

"Sorry I'm late," Another voice came, followed by the front door slamming shut. "Got tied up at the hospital,"

"Hey John, how's your mom doin'? I heard she fell pretty hard," Walter greeted the man as he grabbed a bottle of beer and joined the circle.

"She's okay, would be a lot better if the damn nurses would listen to her," John grumbled.

"Damn shame, they just don't listen to patients no more," Ivanhoe grumbled back.

"And she has this one nurse, uppity bitch. She goes around wearing pants like she's a man. It's plain disrespectful if you ask me,"

The group vocalized their dislike. Flip wondered to himself if there were any other nurses who took to Elle's habit of ditching the dress. He hoped it was someone else they were talking about.

"Oh, and if you think that's bad this nurse walks around wearing one of those Jew necklaces. That's right, our good Christian hospitals are hiring kikes,”

A pit grew in his stomach. It had to be Elle. Her coworker, the one supposed to be at Rosh Hashanah, worked in the maternity ward. He kept quiet and listened to what else John had to say, silently gripping his beer.

"No! The next thing you know they'll be hiring dogs off the street! How is the good lord supposed to protect patients at a Christian hospital if they're hiring nurses of a different faith?" Walter asked.

"Maybe we could pay her a visit like that black panther girl. Scare her off a little," Felix suggested, making flips blood run cold.

"She'll drop out in her own time I bet, she'll get she ain't welcome here," He heard himself say.

"She doesn't even have an easy to pronounce name, my mother doesn't know what to even call her. Those Hebrews and their weird names. Why can't they be more like us?" Flip didn't bother to point out John's name had Hebrew origins, he knew he'd be wasting his breath. And it had to be Elle, she used her full name on her name tag.

"Give her a number, I'm sure she'd respond to that. They sure used to," Felix laughed, causing everyone else to follow. Flip grinned but he felt sick as he twisted his face into a smile.

"Can she ask for a more suitable nurse?" He tried to switch the conversation to being less disgusting.

"According to the hospital, she's one of their best. The head nurse said she was 'one of the best they'd ever had' and my mother was 'lucky to have her looking after her'. Shows what they know," John rolled his eyes.

A little sense of pride swelled in Flip. He knew Elle was good at her job, but he was sure she'd be happy to hear how her bosses praise her.

"It's a shame, she's pretty for a Jew. And the pants do fill out in all the right ways," John chuckled.

"You could always shut her up with your dick," Ivanhoe offered. "Give her an uncut taste,"

He wanted to break cover right then. That was his girlfriend. His gorgeous, smart, fiery girlfriend they were talking about. Not some object for them to comment on. He took a few breaths through his nose to calm himself. The investigation was more important. He had a wire strapped to his chest that was recording all of this. This was evidence. He couldn't give up now.

"Let me know if you're willing to share," He managed to say, clinking bottles with John.

"I heard that girl who works down at the grocery store on 22nd is coming here tonight, if you're looking for something less kosher," Walter teased the young man.

"Oh don't mind if I do," John leered.

The conversation turned after that, much to his relief. They went back to their usual bemoaning of society these days instead of the targeted talk about Elle. He supposed he shouldn't be too worried if they couldn't even pronounce her full name, but the thought of anything happening to her made him slow to finish his beer at the risk of losing it.

He was able to start his goodbyes not too long after, saying he was looking to turn in early because he had a long week at work. He shrugged his shearling jacket over his shoulders and waved off any last attempts to set him up with a fine Aryan woman as he walked out of the bar, leaving the faint sounds of the jukebox in the distance.

He calmly got in his car and locked the doors, checking no one was wandering around outside for a smoke break. He began talking lowly into the microphone on his chest so that Ron could hear him.

"I'll meet you by the gas station in ten, park away from the lights," He said as he turned on his engine and drove out of the parking lot on to the poorly lit road.

He tried not to think too much about what was said as he drove. He pushed it to the back of his mind. Fear wasn't helpful right now. He needed to keep himself safe. He needed to keep her safe. But right now he needed to get this equipment to Ron so he could go home to her.

He finally managed to get off the uneven dirt roads hidden in the trees and onto the solid asphalt of the main roads. He noticed a pair of headlights behind him in the distance. In the rear view mirror he could see Ron’s car following him at a distance until they both pulled into the back lot of the small gas station on the way back to the city.

He gently but quickly pulled the wire from his undershirt, letting the tape remain in his haste. He pulled the transmitter from the front pocket of his jeans and turned the power off, winding the chord around the plastic frame. He got out of his car and opened the door to Ron's passenger side before sitting down.

"Were they talking about Elle?" He asked without a greeting. "That nurse they described sounded awfully familiar,"

"I think so. They said some stuff that'd be good in court, keep this tape safe," He responded, staring to get out of the car.

"That's your girl they were talking about, doesn't that make you angry?" Ron sounded upset at his perceived cavalier nature.

"You're right it is my girl. It makes me fuckin’ furious but I can’t blow my cover because of that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna make sure she's safe," He said curtly, slamming the door behind him.

He was out of the parking lot before Ron could even turn his lights back on. The drive from this bar back into the city was about fifteen minutes, with another couple to reach Elle's place. He was still cautious, driving roundabout routes and watching the cars around him to make sure he wasn't being followed. He couldn't throw caution to the wind just because he was angry.

His mind raced as he took the back streets to her apartment building. He had to make sure she was safe, that she was doing things to keep herself safe. A part of him still hoped they were talking about another Jewish nurse who wore pants and didn't take shit from patients. Unlikely, but it helped calm him down.

He swung into a spot outside her building, almost forgetting to turn his car off as he ran inside. He hurried up the stairs, not caring if his steps were too loud, and knocked on her door in a way one might mistake as pounding.

She swung the door open with a confused look on her face.

"Hey, I didn't expect to see you tonight," She greeted him.

"I just got off shift, wanted to come see you," He said, trying to stifle his heaving breathing from rushing.

"You look pale, is everything okay?" She asked, putting her wrist to his forehead.

"Yeah, I'm fine, come here," He mumbled, pulling her into a hug.

She squeaked in surprise as he swept her up in his arms, his body overtaking hers as he buried his face in the crook of her neck.

"You're gorgeous, you know that right? And the smartest person I know. You're perfect and anyone that says different is fucking blind," His voice was hoarse as his hands ran through her curls.

"Uh, thanks Flip. That's kind of out of nowhere, are you sure everything's okay?" She pushed him away gently before bringing her hands up to his jawline to get a better look at him.

"You know I can't really talk about work stuff, right? We talked about that," He says softly.

"Yeah, and that's okay," She matched his tone, running her thumb along his cheek in a soothing motion. "I get that it's gonna be that way,"

"But...something happened and it's making me concerned about you at work," He continued, looping his hands around her waist to pull her closer.

"Okay," She rested her head in his chest and waited for him to elaborate.

"Elle," He called softly. She looked up at him with her big brown eyes, full of empathy.

"I don't think you should be wearing your necklace at work," He said cautiously, watching for her response. "It's for your safety, I wouldn't be asking you otherwise,"

Her eyebrows knitted together, her nose scrunched the tiniest bit, narrowing her gaze as she looked up at him.

"No," Was all that came from her mouth.

“Elle—” He started, trying to find a way to tell her why this was important.

"I can't take this off, I've been wearing this since I was thirteen, it's important to me,"

"I understand that, and I said I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important," He tried to keep an even tone as her grew louder.

"Flip, I'm keeping it on," Her words were final, and she trekked out of the living room into her bedroom.

He stood there for a minute before following her. She was folding her clothes that had just been washed at the laundromat down the street. She was silent, but the way she snapped the folds and wrinkles from her clothes indicated she was angry.

He leaned against the doorway watching her. She clearly knew he was there but chose to ignore him, putting a freshly folded pile into a drawer.

"Elle, we have to talk about this,"

No response.

"Eliana, come on. You know this is serious, I've never asked you anything like this before,"

Another angry snap as she folded a pair of blue jeans.

"Elle, please. You're still Jewish if you take it off for a few hours a day, no one can take that from you—”

"You just don't get it, do you?" She whipped around, rage bubbling just below the surface.

"Obviously not," He shot back. "But I'm trying, so please explain to my why you can't take it off for work?"

“"t's a family heirloom, its non-negotiable,”

"What does that even have to—”

"It's a family heirloom Phillip! This was my grandmother’s. She didn’t make it to America like my parents. She stayed behind and was taken to the camps with the rest of my family. She hid it when everything else was taken from her! She sewed it into the lining of the clothes given to her. When she died at the camp from starvation my uncle had to sneak it into his possession before the guards could bury her with it. It would have been lost for forever in a mass grave otherwise. She wanted him to keep it safe, keep it in the family at all costs and out of the hands of the guards who'd melt it down for their own needs. He brought it to America after he was liberated and it was given to me after my bat mitzvah,"

The story rushed out of her mouth, her voice cracking and her hands curled into fists as if to anchor her to the moment.

"I was named after my grandmother. What would it mean if I took it off, Flip? She risked her life to keep this necklace, to keep her culture and her faith alive, I'm not taking it off," She covered it with her hand, as if to shield it from his view.

He was speechless. She'd mentioned it was a family heirloom, but it never occurred to him where it came from, or what it might have gone through.

The delicate star she wore around her neck was embedded with the history, the struggles, of her family. It had belonged to the person she was named for. Someone who died while keeping it safe. How many other family heirlooms were taken from people in those camps? Melted down or thrown away, as if they had no significance. An entire culture nearly wiped out and thirty years later still trying to recover and rebuild.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know," He apologized sincerely.

"It's not really a conversation I like bringing up," She said stiffly, her eyes tinged red as if she was holding back tears. "If you can't understand what this means to me…I don't know what to tell you. I've been wearing this for sixteen years, I can't just take it off,"

"I understand that now, it's just—” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Let's just say racists need medical attention too, and someone might've taken notice of you while you were working,"

She was quiet, chewing on her bottom lip as she thought through the patients she'd seen recently.

"And you can't tell me who, right?" She finally asked.

"I can't, I don't want you to accidentally act different around them. Do something that could alert them of what's going on,"

"But if I took my necklace off, wouldn't they still know I'm Jewish? Now that they've seen me?" She questioned.

"Maybe. Gotta be honest, some of these people aren't really Fullbright scholars. They think you 'look Jewish' but I don't think they'd be able to tell if you didn't have the necklace or your full name on your name tag,"

"What wrong with my name?" She asked indignantly.

"Nothing, it's beautiful," He rushed to her defense. "But they thought it was hard to pronounce when they saw your name tag,"

She scowled at the thought, eyes rolling before looking at him again.

"No one even uses my full name at work except for the head nurse. They all call me Elle,"

"I know. The guy who was saying all of this had a Hebrew name. Go figure,"

"Well they haven't figured you out yet, so I guess it's okay. They missed this schnoz somehow," she reached on her tip toes so she could touch her nose to his.

"Hey," He fake-protested. "You know you like it,"

"I do," She agreed, smiling for the first time that night.

She leaned up to kiss him, a peace offering he accepted openly.

"I am still Jewish even if I take it off," She conceded. "But this is important to me. It's my culture and my faith, not just some charm. It helps me feel closer to my family, especially when I'm thousands of miles from home,"

“I understand that now, I won't ask again,"

"And I'm safe at my job," She assured him. "I have a great staff, and they'll make sure nothing happens to me. And I'll start walking home with someone if it makes you feel better,"

"It would," He admitted. "Would you be okay if I let some of the guys at the station know about this? Just in case I can't be there?"

"You are not getting me special treatment," She said firmly. "The last thing I need is to be escorted around town by a bunch of cops,"

"Self defense training then. I can teach you some basics, stuff that can get you out in a pinch,"

"I have a little bit of training but I could probably need the practice,"

"How about on Sunday? You have that day off right? I'll take you to the station and you can throw me around,"

"Perfect," She grinned. "Can I put you in cuffs?"

"Can I put you in cuffs?" He asked back.

"Only if you're wearing that shoulder holster," She pointed her finger at him.

"Oh you liked that huh? Should I read you your Miranda Rights too?” He came up behind her, grabbing her by the waist and nuzzling her neck.

“You have the right to remain silent,” He used a gruff voice, letting his beard tickle her skin.

“You’re ridiculous,” She laughed.

“Anything you say can and will be held against you,” He accentuated the statement by grinding against her.

“Excuse me detective, this seems highly inappropriate,”

“You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you,”

“That’s not even sexy,”

He swept an arm under her leg, picking her up bridal style.

“Do you understand the rights I have just ready to you?”

“I believe so Detective Zimmerman. Now take me to bed you meshugah man,”

“I don’t know that one, but I’m gonna say its a compliment,” He said as he walked toward the bedroom.

“I’ll let you find out,”

----------------

NOTES

As I’m sure most people know at this point, many valuables and heirlooms were stolen during WWII by the Third Reich. Many families lost everything, some clung to smaller items in any way they could. There are literally hundreds of articles and sources about this looting, and if you’re in the mood to read something depressing, its a whole rabbit hole to go down!

Some history on the Miranda Rights

Taglist: @ladygrey03​ @tinydancer40​

[barbarasbae]

Just a Taste-The Dirt

Part four of Just a Taste 

Vampire!Billy Hargrove x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 1.9k

This chapter is very exposition heavy and I tried to make the formatting bareable

Warnings: blood mention, some smut, violence, death mention, near death experience, abduction, violence against women, 18+

SMUT BELOW THE CUT. be careful young readers

original gif by @bills-skarsgard 

“Hey, wake up.” A gruff voice demanded, shaking her thigh. “What?” 

“I wanna eat.” 

“Okay.” She suddenly remembered what he meant as he pulled her panties off her hips. She rolled over to her back in an attempt for it to be easier for him. He took his time, resting his head on her thigh, just barely dipping his tongue in her folds. In the sun, it wouldn’t take much to get her to say he looked like an angel, even with the fangs that could end her life in seconds. He nibbled delicately on her little bud, her sucking in air, her knees lifting. He smirked, her feeling it against her lower lips. “Does this hurt?” He asked, nudging the little scratch he accidentally gave to her the night before. “No.” 

“Okay, good.” He came up all of a sudden, blood covering his mouth. He wiped it off with the back of his hand, pulling himself out of his boxers. He put her ankles on his shoulders, rubbing his cock up and down her slit, her reaching down and gripping two of his fingers as an anchor. “Billy…” She whimpered softly, her headboard tapping the wall. Her door then opened, Y/n letting out a shocked gasp as her mom came in. “Morning sweetie, it’s time to get up.”

“Thanks mom. Can you shut my door?” She did, Billy going over from under her bed and locking the door. He pounced on her, pulling her legs back on top of the sheets and towels, cock bottoming out inside her. “Gotta give me a little bit of a warning...oh god.” She moaned, lips sucking on the column of her throat. “Y/N! THERE’S PANCAKES ON THE COUNTER!” Her dad yelled, Y/n trying to ignore it in favor of the boy that was inside her. She reached down, rubbing fast circles on her clit as an attempt to get off quickly. “If we didn’t need to be done quickly I’d tie your arms to the bed.” He gave in an empty threat, in favor of not just using his partners to masturbate. His abs flexed, a shuddering breath leaving his mouth. His thumb starting to fight her fingers for control of her clit. He won, her hand flying to her mouth. He came with a hard exhale through his nose,  her biting down on the back of her fist. He got off of her, finding his clothes. “See you at school.” He told her, kissing her cheek. “Bye.” She muttered, but he was already gone. 

“Meet me outside the boy’s locker room after practice.” Billy said in her ear in between the last bells of the day. She nervously waited in her car, watching the basketball team come out of the school before she headed towards the gym. She waved to the coach who had been talking to a kid named Christian that was in her English class. She got yanked into the locker room, a scared shriek leaving her body. Billy laughed as she caught her breath. “Not funny, asshat.” 

“Yes it is.” Billy was very naked, she realized. She looked away, coughing in embarrassment. “Why’d you kidnap me?” She asked, looking at her feet. “Wanted to talk to you.” She jumped, his voice in her ear. “Don’t make me put a bell on you like a cat.” She joked. She turned, hearing him zip up. “Trust me, babe, you’d be the first of us to wear a collar.” Her jaw fell open, him smirking. “I may have lied about what I wanted you to meet me here.” She raised an eyebrow expectantly. “I wanted fuck you before I have to go home and deal with my dad.”

“Not happening here.” She said definitively. “We can go to my house though.” That smile was already getting her in trouble. 

She took a deep breath and tried to think about how she was willingly sleeping with a vampire while said vampire parked his car. He could still smell what they had done this morning on her bedding when she let him in her room. He didn’t really good look at it the night before, thinking everything was just about as girly as he had expected from her. It was cute. “Your parents gone for a few hours?”

“Hour. What? I have homework.” 

“You’re not giving me much time here, baby.” She knew she shouldn’t but she felt special when he called her pet names. “Then work fast.” She winked. 

He didn’t have to be told twice, pulling her to him and unbuttoning her pants. There were some desperate kisses exchanged, her fingers pulling apart the buttons on his shirt, then moving to his zipper. She climbed on her bed as the clink of his belt sent a shiver up her spine. He stripped to his boxers, her pulling her top off to also just be in her underwear. He crawled in between her legs, warm hands sliding up her thighs until they found a home on her hips. His mouth was heavy against hers, a silent refusal to let up as her lungs started to burn. She tugged on his wet curls, gasping in a breath. She let a hand travel up his back, Billy teasingly sucking on the hickey that he’d painstakingly made the night before. Then something on her dresser caught his eye. “Wait...what’s this?” He sat up and grabbed it, her protests coming a little too late. He sat back and scanned it, looking up at her confused. “Y/n, what’s this about?” He lowered it from his face. It was her vampire notes. “Are you going to kill me?” Wooden stake had been highlighted and circled. His lower lip trembled a little. “No! I-I just-I was scared and curious and didn’t know how to process that I had slept with a vampire-” 

“You coulda just asked me.” He sounded upset. “I’m sorry.” He got up and threw it away, pulling his jeans back on. “Wait, what are you doing?”

“Going home.”

“Billy.” He looked up at her, his eyes red. She had really upset him. Shit. “Billy I’m sorry. You just scared me so bad when you said you would kill me if I told anyone and…” she trailed off, him walking to her and throwing her over his shoulder. He grabbed her clothes and then carried her down stairs. “Billy! Billy where the hell are we going?!” 

“Get dressed.” She did, Billy pulling his shirt back on, finding his boots. She couldn’t help but feel nervous. “Bring your coat.” She did what he told her, but he still threw her back over his shoulder and carried her to his car. She buckled, gripping the leather seat once he started backing out. He drove to the quarry and parked facing the water. “Billy you’re scaring me.” She said softly, watching the blond as he thought. “I really thought I had met my best friend in Santa Cruz. He was cool, older, good with girls. I thought he was gonna just show me how he does it, like teach me, you know?”

Billy didn’t look at her once while he recalled how he was turned into a vampire. It had happened about a year and a half earlier. Billy was standing on the boardwalk, flirting with a blonde girl and her red haired friend, the girls getting ice cream. Then this guy in a black leather jacket and a bright smile swooped in. “Come on girls, do you really want Rob Lowe jr to tell you where the fun is?” They were both on this guys arm in an instant, the guy waltzing away with them as Billy watched in shock. It happened again three days later, the guy telling him not to worry too much about it. “Plenty of bitches in the sea.” He winked, leaving Billy yet again alone. Billy would be lying if he said he didn’t find this douche attractive. Yes, physically, but there was also this...energy he had that just drove Billy’s curiosity wild. So he figured out where and when he was on the boardwalk and convinced himself to go talk to him. At least get him to tell Billy how he got girls so easy. 

“Hey! Rob Lowe jr!” The guy crowed. “Hi.”

“You come to finally get me off your turf, kid.”

“No...I wanted to know how you do it.”

“Do what?”

“Get girls so easily.”

“Sorry, magicians don’t reveal their secrets.” He told Billy and started walking off after a group of surfer girls. “Hey, wait up! What’s your name?”

“Jonathan.” 

“Jonathan.” Billy repeated. He started following Jonathan around, Jonathan showing him how he got girls so easy, taught him how to pinpoint what each girl’s weakness would most likely be based on how they smiled alone. It was crazy. And it worked. After Billy had been in Jonathan’s friend group for about a month, they brought him to this cave on the beach. “What are we doing?”

“You’re joining the big leagues, man.” Jonathan slapped him on the shoulder. There was a girl Billy’s age tied up, gag in her mouth. “Man, what the hell is going on.”

“It’s time you know what we actually do with most girls.” One of Jonathan’s other friends, a tall guy with long, brown hippie hair named Aaron going over to the girl and taking her gag off. She yelled for them to help, Billy feeling sick as she made eye contact with him. “Hey, calm down sweetheart. Just relax. It’ll be over soon.” The brunet said in a sickly sweet tone, the girl crying and trying to get away from him. Then Aaron had fangs. Aaron had fangs.  He held the girls shoulders down, sinking his fangs into her neck, a disgusting gargle leaving her throat as he drank her blood. Billy tried to make a run for it, but Jonathan was ahead of him and grabbed him by the back of his neck. “You’re so pretty, Billy. You’ll be such great bait.” He said, slamming the younger boy on the ground. “Get the fuck off of me!” Billy screamed, Jonathan straddling him. Jonathan pinned his arms down, someone else gagging him. “Be still, it’ll make it less painful.” Billy kicked and flailed, trying his best to get away. But he couldn’t get away and Jonathan sunk his giant fangs into Billy’s neck. Billy screamed into the fabric in his mouth, his vision starting to swim, a hum vibrating from Jonathan’s chest into his own, a noise of satisfaction. Billy was absolutely terrified. “Bring me a knife.” Billy felt too light, vaguely seeing Jonathan cut his arm before forcing Billy’s mouth open, the gag gone. Billy gagged as iron flooded his mouth but his limbs felt like lead. He couldn’t move. “How sweet, crying for help.” Jonathan teased, Billy blacking out as a pain like fire rocketed through his veins. 

Billy woke up on the beach, the waves too loud. “You feel ok, bud?” Jonathan’s voice found its way into Billy’s ears. “Fuck you.” He just laughed.

Billy stopped talking, looking over at Y/n. She had interlaced her fingers with his while he was talking. She looked down at her lap. “I’m so sorry, Billy.”

He shrugged. “Why’d you come to Hawkins?”

“Neil thought I was spending too much time with Jonathan. Thought we were fucking around. Also, I almost killed the mailman.” She looked up at him with wide eyes. “I’m kidding.” She relaxed, squeezing his hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask.”

“Its okay. I get why.” He said, knowing how scary it was to be on the receiving end of those fangs. “Wanna go get burgers?”

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Please send me an ask or dm if you would like to be tagged in this series

@xxphoenixflyerxx

@thats-so-rhyan

[deathsmallcaps]

August’s Story

Swan Lake was the story for this month! It’s the sixteenth Win A Commission. If you’d like to read it and see the drawings again, please

ACT I

Prince Siegfried arrives at his 21st birthday celebration on the palace courtyards. Here, he finds all of the royal families and townspeople dancing and celebrating, while the young girls are anxiously seeking his attention.

During the exquisite celebration, his mother gives him a crossbow. She informs him that because he is now of age, his marriage will be quickly arranged.

Hit with the sudden realization of his future responsibilities, he takes his crossbow and runs to the woods with his hunting group.

ACT 2

Getting ahead of the group, Prince Siegfried finds himself alone in a peaceful spot by an enchanted lake where swans gently float across its surface. While Siegfried watches, he spots the most beautiful swan with a crown on its head.

His buddies soon catch up, but he orders them to leave so he can be by himself. As dusk falls, the swan with the crown turns into the most beautiful young woman he has ever seen. Her name is Odette, the Swan Queen.

Odette informs the young prince about an evil sorcerer, Von Rothbart, who happens to be disguised as Prince Siegfried’s mentor. It was Rothbart who turned her and the other girls into animals. The lake was formed by the tears of their parents' weeping. She tells him that the only way the spell can be broken is if a man, pure in heart, pledges his love to her.

The prince, about to confess his love for her, is quickly interrupted by the evil sorcerer. He takes Odette from Prince Siegfried’s embrace and commands all of the animal maidens to dance upon the lake and its shore so that the prince cannot chase them. Prince Siegfried is left all alone on the shore of Swan Lake.

ACT 3

The next day at the formal celebration in the Royal Hall, Prince Siegfried is presented with many prospective princesses. Although the ladies are worthy of his attention, he cannot stop thinking about Odette.

His mother commands him to choose a bride, but he cannot. For the time being, he satisfies his mother's request by dancing with them.

While the prince dances, trumpets announce the arrival of Von Rothbart. He brings his daughter, Odile, on whom he has cast a spell to appear as Odette. The prince is captivated by her beauty and he dances with the imposter.

ACT 4

Unbeknownst to Prince Siegfried, the true Odette is watching him from a window. The prince soon confesses his love to Odile and proposes marriage, thinking that she is Odette.

Horrified, Odette flees into the night. Prince Siegfried sees the real Odette running from the window and realizes his mistake.

Upon his discovery, Von Rothbart reveals to the prince the true appearance of his daughter Odile. Prince Siegfried quickly leaves the party and chases after Odette.

Odette has fled to the lake and joined the rest of the girls in sadness. Prince Siegfried finds them gathered at the shore consoling each other. He explains to Odette the trickery of Von Rothbart and she grants him her forgiveness.

It doesn't take long for Von Rothbart and Odile to appear in their evil, un-human, and somewhat bird-like forms. Von Rothbart tells the prince that he must stick to his word and marry his daughter. A fight quickly ensues.

Prince Siegfried tells Von Rothbart that he would rather die with Odette than marry Odile. He then takes Odette’s hand and together they jump into the lake.

The spell is broken and the remaining animals turn back into humans, with the exception of one spider who helped Von Rothbart with the illusion magic. They quickly drive Von Rothbart and Odile into the water where they, too, drown. 

My Notes

The title was basically copied off the Barbie Swan Lake one. Apparently it’s really difficult to draw a football shape, because I must’ve tried at least 20 times! 

So, originally, I meant to draw the prince running with the crossbow for the first picture. But the journal I had with me at the time was pretty small, and I couldn’t get the angle right, so I gave up on that. Often with these drawings, I’ll have an original idea, find out its beyond my capabilities at the moment or that it’s kind of boring, and then switch it up. (Oh, the best laid plans of mice and men…) So instead I drew the crossbow. It has a swan on it at least!

The second picture was another one that ended up quite different from the original. For one, I wanted to draw inspiration from the Barbie version of Swan Lake (one I hold dearly in my heart) and the movie The Swan Princess, which was a musical comedic retelling of Swan Lake, except the villain wants to marry Odette to rule her kingdom, Odile is his henchwoman, and Siegfried (who has a different name) grew up knowing Odette. You may have seen versions of it - it was actually a really great movie but Disney shut it down pretty quickly, so the studio that made it became poor and now make crappy sequels for the movie instead. ANYWAY I suddenly remembered, when I was only in the figure drawing phase, Stephanie Kurlow.

Stephanie Kurlow, as I am writing this, is credited as the first Hijabi ballerina. So while she’s probably not the first Muslim ballerina, she is the first one to insist on an outfit that honors her religious beliefs. She is an Australian teen who wishes to make ballerina outfits more accessible to different beliefs, and she and her mother have started a studio that does respect beliefs. I guess that a lot of professional studios, due to the wish for uniformity for its background dancers and the bigger difficulty in dancing well in longer skirts, have trouble with this concept. But in any case, she and her outfits heavily inspired Odette’s dresses. I did not draw her face for Odette, but I was very heavily inspired by her.

For the third picture, that was pretty much a mix of Barbie’s Swan Lake, the Swan Princess and Stephanie Kurlow again. The prince is the one from Barbie (his hair was brown and your mom doesn’t believe me that for a short while the Ken characters had brown hair!), Odile’s evil reflection was based off of Odette from Swan Princess, and of course she is wearing a Stephanie Kurlow outfit. Did you see the evil spider in the corner? I’ve only found one version with the spider, but it fit my purposes :). 

Last picture is a toughie. I want you to know, that despite its inclusion in the story, suicide is NEVER the answer. If you ever feel like you’d be better off dead, or even if you start thinking about what the world would be like without you, a lot, please talk to someone. It can be your parents, someone at your church, a counselor, or someone else you trust. They will help you. (Okay back to the drawing stuff)

I wasn’t sure how to draw the spirits rising up, so I kind of just drew Odette, with the prince at her back, rising towards the moon. It was hard figuring out where the billows of her dress go, lol. But yeah, they’re rising up from the lake. I decided to make the moon look like the one on many flags of Islam because I thought it would be cool.

(Apparently, when Islam spread to what is now Turkey, the people in the area worshipped a moon goddess, so the moon was incorporated into their worship, just like Easter, a celebration of spring fertility, was incorporated into Christianity for the German peoples. They later added a star to the moon because the Quran, their holy book, has a lot of mentions of stars. Then, when the Ottoman Empire fell (Turkey was its base), Turkey was the biggest remaining Muslim world power, so its flag with the moon and the star became synonymous with Islam, and many groups adopted it.)

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed coloring! Good luck for next month!

@boopboopboopbadoop​

[sarahlwlee]

31 Stories in 31 Days: Faith

What is this? As part of celebrating Asian American & Pacific Islander Heritage Month (May), I am writing a story a day about my experiences as a Chinese Malaysian immigrant in America. My friends and family have provided numerous one-word prompts to help me create these stories. Today’s word prompt was contributed by Heather A. and the word is “Faith”. Thank you Heather for your contribution and thank you everyone who stopped by to read my story today.

When I was 14, I was baptized as a Christian at Holy Light Lutheran Church in Malaysia. One year prior, I had been taking catechism classes with the pastor and a few others who were preparing for baptism. I spent a lot of time in prayer and reading the Bible in preparation for this day. My faith in God was simple and it felt easy to understand His word, especially through song. In addition to the preparation to be baptized I was serving in church as one of the classic piano or synthesizer players for Sunday service. Whenever I prayed or read the Bible I felt a song within me that I use to play on the piano during communion or prayer at church.

The day I was baptized, I felt renewed and lighter. It was a surreal experience that is indescribable. When I shared this feeling with my parents and other grown ups, they said everyone’s baptism experience is somewhat similar but yet unique to that individual because it was about your commitment to God. Within the following year, I started to volunteer more in church especially with the youth group — from weekly cell group meetings,  to serving in the youth ministry executive team and leading worship service. This was the time where I felt most accountable to my faith and my belief in Christ was at its strongest or so I believed it to be.

After serving for more than a year on the youth ministry executive team as the secretary, I was excited to renew my service in this role. We had a new youth ministry leader take over and everyone’s role within the team was renewed with a unanimous vote. A few weeks later, the new youth ministry leader drove over to my house late one night to speak to me. My mom had greeted him at the gate and she called for me to come out and talk to him. I invited him into our house but he refused and said this was going to be short. He said that he would like his girlfriend to be the secretary because he is closer to her and feels much more comfortable working with her. In short, he asked me to step down from my role so that his girlfriend could fill the spot. No one else on the team was asked to step down, only me. As a young teenager at 16, I was disappointed and frustrated but felt helpless in pushing back or even asking for a formal process to make this official instead of some late night conversation in front of my house on opposing sides of a metal gate.

This was the beginning of when I started to lose faith in people at church. The new youth ministry leader pushed for a tight knit circle of people he liked and had existing relationships. I slowly felt pushed out of youth related activities and my opportunities were cut back to just playing the piano. One of the older youth leaders noticed I was not as active in church as I used to be and he asked me what’s holding me back. I couldn’t bring myself to explain to him what had happened and that it wasn’t me holding back but rather the opportunities were taken away and given to someone else. So I did what I did best at the time, I shrugged my shoulders in shyness and said “I don’t know.”

The youth cell group I was a part of was named “Joy”. Each youth cell group was named after the Fruits of the Spirit. Eventually our attendance started to drop and the same thing happened to “Love” youth cell group, so they merged our groups together. I really enjoyed these gatherings and the activities we did, however I always felt like I was the outsider trying to find a way in to this group. The inside jokes they shared, I could never get into nor understand the context. So when a joke was told, I wouldn’t laugh because I didn’t get it. This interaction continued to drive a wedge between my desire of connecting with the youth group and pursuing something else. I stayed for as long as I could because it pleased my mother that I was serving God and participating in Christian youth group.

During this same time, I started to engage more with a writers group called Phases Young Writers (PhYW). I met some really amazing people through this group and felt more accepted as well as welcomed into this group. Many of them were Christians and wrote for the Phases magazine, published by Scripture Union. The experience allowed me to explore writing and also step up as a leader to bring a group of people together who often felt like they didn’t fit in anywhere else. As I began to increase my involvement in the PhYW, I reduced my involvement with the youth cell group.

Subsequently, I told my cell group leader that I was leaving the group. He was sad and disappointed that I was leaving and wanted to make sure I was still getting the guidance I needed for my faith. I told him all about PhYW and what we had been doing, it sounded just like a youth cell group but with an emphasis on quirky writing and fans of good literature. He reluctantly approved my departure and I never returned to any youth activities except for Sunday church service with my parents. I even stopped volunteering to play the piano. A few of the musicians on the worship team tried really hard to engage me to continue playing with them by leveraging other instruments I played such as the violin. I was just so disappointed in the youth ministry and the church overall for allowing this culture to permeate its congregation.

In reflection, could I have told somebody about my frustration and would things be different? I don’t know. My family was labeled as big complainers in the church, especially after a big argument my mother had with another older youth leader about me. I felt that if I complained to someone, I would be labeled being just like my mother and people wouldn’t take me seriously or be blamed for getting kicked out because I was a troublemaker. I don’t hold any grudges towards anyone in that church today. These were very difficult thoughts to process as a teenager and the only reasonable choice I had at the time was to leave.

When I traveled to Kalamazoo for my undergraduate studies, I left everything about Holy Light Lutheran Church behind and thought I could start fresh with a new church or youth group at college. The first church I went to was a Lutheran church on West Main. I attended a few Sunday services on my own and inquired with the pastor if I could join their music ministry. He introduced me to the music ministry lead and they told me there is no extra spots in the music ministry where I could participate in. I kept asking about other opportunities on how I could get involved and each time they said no. Eventually I got the feeling that I was too different than everyone else in that church and they weren’t as welcoming to foreign students. I stopped going to the church because why would I want to keep going when I’m not welcomed. Later I found out a different foreign student who came from Sunway College went to this same church at a different time than I did and was given the same treatment.

I researched on campus for a Christian Fellowship group for college students and when I joined I thought I had found my people. I joined a Bible study group as part of the Christian Fellowship and we threw a few awesome Salsa dancing parties to bring people together. I even designed the invitations. After awhile, the Bible study group leader started to withdraw from her leadership role and subsequently the Bible study group fell apart. I wanted to join another group, but they were not taking anymore people into their group. If they took anymore, the group would have to split up to form new groups and they didn’t want that to happen. So I stopped going and trying to engage with other Christian groups.

Today, I don’t go to church nor do I belong to any Christian group. I have made my peace that I shouldn’t put my faith in people when it comes to having faith in God. We can only be responsible for our own actions and behavior. People stumble, fail and make mistakes all the time, just like me. So holding them responsible for my personal stumbling in my faith seems unreasonable. I still pray because it brings me a lot of comfort during very difficult times and have several prayers from the Bible memorized since I was a teenager. Reading the Bible is now much easier in a digital format than reading a physical book, which has made it easier for me to digest God’s word.

Not many people know I am a Christian at heart, it’s a piece of me that I keep hidden and private because I don’t want to discuss judgment others might have of me not going to church or not carrying on practices that a typical Christian should be doing. I know I am not typical and I have accepted that part of myself. It took me a long time to come to this acceptance and I have felt so much lighter in my heart.

[glowwormsmith]

FC5 Week-Day 5

In which Layla notices an eyesore and gets some interesting history about her new community...

Warnings: implied violence, nothing of note

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Huh...” was all Layla could really say as she leaned against the doorway and looked out towards the mountains. When she had first arrived, under a cloud of family tragedy and the combined anxieties and hopes of moving, she had only taken in a small part of the natural beauty of Hope County. Being a native Montanan and having taken many trips into the wilderness also desensitized Layla to her surroundings, so it was only on her third day after moving in with her sister and nieces that she noticed the sign.

 “Hi, Aunt Layla! Whatcha’ lookin’ at?”

 Layla turned to smile at her nieces, Hazel and Fern coming towards her. She was happy to see Hazel walking about, her injured arm in a sling, but both girls looking clear-eyed and bright even after the recent badness. Hazel had been the one to address her, her younger sister looking at Layla with a curious glance and head tilted in wonder.

 “Oh, well, that. You guys know what that eyesore is all about?” Layla asked, jabbing her thumb outwards and looking back at it with a skeptical look.

 She saw Hazel and Fern’s looks turn into disgust, Hazel’s eyes rolling so far into skull Layla was afraid they would be lost while Fern sighed.

 “Ah, well, it’s a giant “YES” sign, for one thing...” Fern said. Hazel then interrupted bluntly, “Aunt Layla’s not stupid, Fern, she can read.”

 “It’s okay, Hazel, it’s good to see that it is a “YES” sign. What’s it for?”

 The girls looked at each other before Fern said, “Mom said it’s Mr. Seed’s type of preaching. The Power of Yes. It’s for the purpose of gathering new followers.”

“It’s sooo stupid! Like, he takes motivational speaking way too far!” Hazel added. “He even has dumb billboards all over the county. Nice way to show you have money to throw around when you’re not busy being a greedy lawyer, a-hole!”

 “Whoa, whoa, now I don’t have to unpack all of that, kiddos! Who’s “Mr. Seed” and why is he going around talking about “yes” so enthusiastically?” Layla said. “That doesn’t even sound like a real name, why am I only learning of this now?!”

Fern cleared her throat and Hazel fell quiet, though she gave an eye-roll at Fern’s excitement to explain. “Well, his name is John Seed. He’s part of these group called Eden’s Gate—they’re like Pastor Jerome’s church, but they follow their own doctrine, one that Mom thinks is not God’s true voice—and they’ve been here for a while. Mom tells us they’ve been here since I was maybe five, or six. They’ve really grown bigger and louder really recently, but John’s the loudest. Did you see the boards with his face on it while you were driving here?”

“I didn’t really notice. Was too busy worrying about Clover barfing in the car and having Grandma and Gramps micro-managing the move,” Layla said, a warm smile as she saw the girls chuckle. Always good to see them happy. If that poor excuse for a father was still alive, I’d kill him myself for ever hurting them.

“Well, we’ll point some of them out to you next time we’re on a drive,” Hazel said. “There’s some with weird symbols and phrases, but most here in the valley has John’s dumb smug face on it, talkin’ about how “we’ll love you and we’ll take you.” Good to know creeps are advertising their plans to kidnap people.”

“Anyways,” Fern said, her voice rising over Hazel’s, “John Seed is the “face” I guess you could say of this Project. His brother, Joseph, is the leader, but John handles all the finances. He’s kinda handsome.” Fern blushed a bit and rubbed the back of her head with a small giggle. “He’s also wealthy, too. If it wasn’t for Mom saying Eden’s Gate was bad, I’d say he’s like a prince.”

Hazel made a gag noise, but didn’t say anything. Layla said as her brows furrowed, “Your mom never talked about these crazies before, and she knows how much I love ragging on crazies like this. Why does she think they’re bad?”

The girls went quiet, with Fern shifting in her chair and looking away while Hazel bit her lip and narrowed her eyes. Hazel then spoke up.

“We always went to Pastor Jerome’s church, but it changed when Da-that bastard started going to the Seed’s services and talkin’ about how—how great they were, and how “The Collapse” was real, that Joseph was the only righteous voice.” Layla noticed how Hazel’s good hand clenched and unclenched at her side. The girl then spoke loudly, startling the two, “They’re crazy! They’re not good Christians like Pastor Jerome or Mom! Mom became frightened at even the drop of  their name when she got pregnant with Todd, and you know she’s not scared of nothin’! That bastard wasn’t the nicest, but he became downright looney and obsessed with Eden’s Gate, even ready to sell our home to John. And I hear things in town. About John buyin’ up properties, weapons being brought in, weird shit goin’ on in the Whitetails and to the east, people disappearing when they make Eden’s Gate mad. They even have a statute of that lyin’ prophet of theirs nearly complete out in the Henbane!”

“Wha—? A statue?! That can’t be legal!” Layla sputtered. What had I gotten into by moving here...and what has Tess not been telling me?

“They can pretty much get away with anything these days. Poor Mayor Minkler is cowed by these people and Sheriff Whitehorse has been overwhelmed by people quitting or...“leaving,” one might say,” Fern said. She then shivered. “Some of the members came to one of Pastor Jerome’s services. They stood outside and shouted how Jerome was a false shepherd, that the Collapse was coming, and the Father was the only path to salvation. Dad and a few others walked out to join them...Mom was very upset with him after that.”

“Don’t call him “dad,” Fern!” Hazel snapped, but softened up. “He wasn’t our “dad” for a long time, and he sure ain’t now after what he did. The fight, y’know, the one where he...he shot us and took Todd away and killed himself...it was about Eden’s Gate,” Hazel said, her voice low. The girls looked ready to cry and Hazel wanted to scream. “Eden’s Gate are evil. I just...get bad feelings from them, even if they had nothin’ to do with my family. They’re bad news.”

Layla then came to the girls and hugged them, rubbing their arms and a kind smile on her face. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. These people sound like every doomsday cult I’ve studied, but guess what?”

After a pause with her nieces who looked confused, Layla said with a sly smirk, “Your badass Aunt Layla is going to be a deputy with the Sheriff’s Department, and you know I don’t let any shit slide when it comes to BS, right?”

“Hell yeah!” “Language, Hazel, but you’re right, you are tough, Aunt Layla.”

“So, if John of Joseph, or any other Seed tries to come around and harass you or Tess, I’ll go and kick their loony-tune as—butts, alongside Clover, right Clover?” Layla’s dog lifted her eyes towards the trio, but she didn’t leave the couch as she let out a small gruff. “Darn straight! No one will mess with my family or their friends, so there’s no need to be afraid anymore, okay?”

Weak smiles returned to the girls’ faces as they looked a bit calmer. Layla then stood up and said, “Tell you what? We’ll go see your mom at the hospital, go to whatever favorite restaurant you like, and take some eggs along to hit any Johnny Appleseed billboards we see. Sound fun?”

“Oh my gosh, yes!!” Hazel said. “Fern, you up for it?”

“Yeah. Will you be okay?” Fern asked. Hazel let out a small huff and flicked her good hand.

“Pfft, I’m fine! I bet I can throw better with my one hand than you girls!”

“Oh, we’ll see about that, young lady!” Layla scoffed as the girls laughed and went to prepare. Before she walked off, Layla gave one last glance at the large white “YES” sign. Unease settled into her stomach, but she shoved the bad thoughts away for happier times with her nieces, to keep things good after all that’s happened to them.

She did allow one snide thought: I wish I had a grenade launcher to shoot that shit down. That would be awesome.

[cocomaxley]

Paws for a Cause Part 3

This was a prompt request from @stopforamoment

This is a part of a TRR A/U called Cordonians Gone Wild, a collaborative effort by @ao719 @speedyoperarascalparty @leelee10898 @riseandshinelittleblossom and yours truly. Catch up HERE.

Summary: A furry friend joins the CGW squad which results in another boys vs. girls wager.

Rating: NSFW, mature and very bad decisions

Tag List: @fullbeaumonty @brightpinkpeppercorn @alj4890 @zaffrenotes @annekebbphotography @carabeth @moneyfordiamonds @give-me-ernest-sinclaire @3pawandme @indiacater @ooo-barff-ooo @ownworldresident @tornbetween2loves @perfectprofessorherokid @stopforamoment @editboutique @wannabemc2 @enmchoices @lauradowning29 @lodberg @smalltalk88 @gibbles82 @heatherfilliez @drakesensworld @nikkis1983 @sweetest-marbear @classylady1234 @daniv2278 @jlouise88 @jared2612 @liamxs-world @notoriouscs @blubutterflyy @captain-kingliamsqueen @lynne1993

Paws for a Cause Moodboard

Milo’s Moodboard

The ladies walked into the animal shelter and into the back office. The shelter director greeted them and motioned towards a large box. “I can’t wait to see these!” Anitah squealed.

Stephanie opened the box and handed each of them a calendar. They perused the pictures and smiled at each other, happy with their decision to each have one nice photo and one on their underwear. “Alright, ladies, where should we go to sell these?” Pam asked the group.

“What about outside of a gym? Or maybe a home improvement store?” Alicia suggested. “Oh, I need two of them, Thomas and Christian agreed to support our cause. So I have to mail them their calendars. They already sent their payment,” Genevieve said.

Anitah said with a sly smile, “Actually that’s a good idea, Gen. Maybe we should see if our dates from the auction will buy them too.”

With mischievous smiles on their faces, each of them sent a text. They decided that selling the calendar outside of a home improvement store would be their best bet. Setting up tables and chairs, the ladies set the calendar on display. Pam and Anitah lured people over to the table to look at the calendar.

“All of the money goes to the animal shelter. They’re in need of supplies and money for the animals,” Pam told a group of construction workers. They looked through the calendar and as soon as they say that half of the calendar had the ladies in their underwear, it was an easy sell. “Your queen and the queen of Gordon thanks you,” Anitah said with a laugh. A few hours later Stephanie yelled, “Last one ya’ll!” She closed the lockbox with the money, and the girls got into the waiting SUV.

The men picked up their box from the shelter without bothering to look at it first. They made their way to the shopping mall and set up their table at the center where there was a lot of foot traffic. Maxwell played some music and danced to attract customers to their table. Calendar sales were steady but they still had about half of them left.

“We need to get more people over here. Leo, why don’t you walk around and get people as their leaving nearby stores,” Rashad said. Leo nodded his head and walked towards a women’s clothing store. He stopped a group of moms, “Ladies, we are raising money for the local animal shelter. The calendars were selling features each of us and some of the shelter animals. What could possibly be better than some good looking guys and cute furry friends?” He flashed them the signature Rhys smirk and the women were putty in his hands.

Liam stopped a young man who looked shock to see the King talking to him. “Excuse me, can I interest you in a calendar? Proceeds go to the animal shelter.” The man looked uncomfortable, “I already bought one. The queen said that we could only buy one or the other.” He reached into his bag and pulled out the ladies’ calendar. Drake noticed the thumbnails on the back of the calendar, “Can I…can I see that?” He handed Drake the calendar and the other four looked over his shoulder.

They flipped through the first few months. Their eyes went wide as they looked at Anitah’s picture with her laying down on a couch wearing nothing but her bra and panties, Milo laying on her stomach. “Doesn’t she realize what kind of scandal this will cause?” Liam said pinching the bridge of his nose. “Damn, Alicia looks hot,” Leo said admiring his wife. Maxwell nodded, “Heeeeeeeyyyyy, look at Stef!” His mouth fell open, his eyes glued to the picture. Rashad cursed under his breath taking in Genevieve’s photo. While Drake let out a deep growl as he looked at Pam’s calendar page.

“You guys realize that if we are looking at these pictures, it means there are hundreds of other people that will be looking at them right?” Liam pointed out to the others. They all looked at each other and their faces immediately fell into scowls. “Hopefully they haven’t sold that many,” Maxwell said hopefully. “I told you we should have posed shirtless!” Leo said in a frustrated tone. Liam shook his head, “This is your fault, Leo. You don’t get to say what we should or shouldn’t have done.”

“Why are they always one step ahead of us?” Rashad asked. Drake groaned, “Because they all think alike and they’re evil, Rashad.” The young man reached for his calendar, but Drake kept it out of reach. “I don’t think so, kid. Here take one of ours for free.”

He rolled his eyes at Drake, “I want that calendar. No offense, but have you seen the women in there? Why would I want yours?” Rashad stepped up and pulled out his wallet. “You’re not taking the calendar. Name your price.”

“No, seriously, I want to keep the calendar. I don’t want your money,” the guy replied with a shake of his head. Leo came up, “I will beat your ass, do you understand?” The guy held his arms up and retreated from the group of men.

After a long afternoon, the guys went back to the palace. They were happy with their sales having only ten calendars left to sell. The women were waiting for them in the royal chambers chatting and laughing.

“Hey boys! How’d the calendars sell? Took you guys a long time, didn’t it?” Alicia said with a sly grin. Liam stalked directly to a smiling Anitah. His face in an angry scowl as he said, “I can’t believe you would pose in your bra and underwear in a calendar that’s going to be distributed to the public all so you could win a silly bet!” With wide eyes, Anitah’s jaw dropped open. “How’d….How did you find out about that?” Liam held up the calendar that he took from the young man at the mall. “Because you were telling people that they could only buy your calendar or ours! Leo had to threaten him so we could keep it! How many did you guys sell? Because we need to buy them all back.”

The girls roared with laughter. Anitah gave him a coy smile. “Well…my King…we sold all of our calendars. Why would you have to buy them back? That defeats the purpose of the fundraiser.”

“I can’t have everyone in Cordonia staring at their queen…my queen in her underwear!”

“They won’t be staring at me! Milo was in the picture! They’ll be looking at that cute wittle face of his.” Anitah turned to Milo who wagged his tail happily at his mommy. Liam rolled his eyes, “It’s like words come out of my mouth…But no one’s there to listen to it.”

Liam turned to Bastien. “Bastien, please tell my assistant that I need her to put out a press release to recall all of calendars these ladies sold.“

“What is the reason for the recall, sir?” Bastien tried to hide a smile seeing Liam’s vein throbbing on the side of his forehead. Maxwell chimed in, “Oh, I know, tell them the ink is poisonous!” Rashad chuckled, “Instead of poisonous, say they used a lead based ink. That might be more believable.” Bastien left the chambers and each of the men turned to their loves.

“Gen, it’s not that I don’t want people looking at you in your underwear…No, that’s exactly it. I do not want people, especially men, looking at you in your underwear! What in the world would make that seem like a good idea?” Rashad asked his fiancée. She walked over to their cash box and opened it, “It was a really great idea. Not only did we sell all of the calendars, we had to request another batch from the printers. When we ran out, they accepted online orders.” Drake growled at his giggling wife. “This is not funny, Pamela! You guys had them print more?”

“No, absolutely not. Not happening,” Leo said as he turned to Alicia. Maxwell put his arm around Stephanie, “Red, those pictures turned out really great…but I agree with the guys. I’m not ok with random people having you pinned up on their walls.” Alicia laughed, “They aren’t all random. Gen sold some to Thomas and Christian in Chicago. They’re part of the reason we had to reprint. The guys in their office each ordered one. Plus some of the nobles from the auction fundraiser wanted calendars as well.”

All five men’s heads turned to Alicia, their eyes staring daggers at her. “Excuse me? Did you just say that Isaiah bought a calendar that features an almost naked picture of Pam?” Drake asked through gritted teeth. “Christian? As in St. Tropez and Chicago Christian?” Rashad asked with an angry look on his face. Genevieve turned towards Alicia and mouthed, “God dammit, Alicia!”

“Oh Signore Touchy Feely better not have bought one of these!” Liam yelled. Anitah avoided his gaze, her eyes trained on Milo. Maxwell stood there with his mouth hanging open. Stephanie sauntered over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Aww, babe, don’t be angry. It’s for a good cause.” Maxwell pulled her arms off of him, "Oh no, you won’t get out of this that easily…Your voodoo magic is not going to work on me.”

Alicia looked at Leo’s angry face. “Baby, don’t be mad. Stef’s right, it is for a good cause. Just like the auction that didn’t want to do. Just like being on a deserted island, naked, that I didn’t want to do. This is for something I actually believe in.” Leo’s expression softened, “But, Alicia, we’ve had this discussion before. What’s underneath your clothes is only for me. I don’t want to share that part of you with anyone else.” She walked over to him and pulled him into a deep kiss. “Last time, baby. I promise.” Leo said indignantly, “Oh, you’re damn right. We’re getting every single one of those calendars back.” The men all nodded in agreement.

A week later, Liam looked at the small pile of calendars on his desk. The recall notice had gone out, but no one seemed to care if the ink was really lead based or not. After a few attempts at calling the nobles from the date auction, he was able to get Giovanni’s calendar back. When Liam opened it, he noticed that the two months with Anitah’s photos were missing. Liam rubbed his hand over his forehead in aggravation. There was a knock on his study door and in walked Rashad, Drake, Maxwell and Leo.

“Any luck, Li?” Drake asked him. Liam let out a heavy sigh. “Let’s see, I just got Signore Cavvichi’s calendar back, without my wife’s pictures inside. Isaiah and Sebastian flat out refused. Finn sent his back, but Jason Bucannon said and I quote, ‘I don’t plan on licking the the calendar. I think I’ll be fine’. I was able to trade Thomas the girls’ calendar for ours, but…” He avoided Rashad’s eye. “Christian said you can go to Chicago and make him give it back.” Rashad clenched his jaw, “I’m going to fly to Chicago and rip down every calendar in that office. That cocky son of a bitch.”

The night before the car wash, Alicia peeked her head into the bedroom where Leo was taking off his clothes and getting ready for bed. “Hey baaaaby.” Leo cocked his brow, “I know that voice, you did something or you want something. Which is it?” She entered the room, a wide grin in her face, “I bought you something.” She handed him a small bag. He reached into the bag, pulling out a bunched up leopard print speedo.

“What fresh hell is this?” Alicia seductively moved closer to him, her manicured nail tracing his chiseled abs. “I thought it was fitting for bam bam, you know since you lost the bet. Go, try it on.” Leo sighed before going into the bathroom, he came out with a goofy grin on his face. “Ok, I know this is supposed to be torture, but, I look damn good.”

Alicia’s eyes instantly locked on his bulging crotch. “Can we um, tuck him,” she pointed. He arched his brow again, a sly grin spread across his face. “Oh I got somewhere to tuck him. Come here!” He lunged for her. Alicia squealed as he grabbed her and tossed her onto the bed.

The morning of the car wash, Anitah came traipsing into her and Liam’s bedroom with a smirk on her face and Liam gave her a look, “What…what did you do?” He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes while holding his other hand out. “Let me see it…” She snorted as she handed him the bag and he opened it and looked inside and then snapped his head up to her. “Really?!”

“What? I thought it would be nice to represent your Queen,” she laughed. He pulled out the American Flag print speedo and held it up.

“I am going to murder Leo,” his jaw clenched. He stripped down and pulled the speedo on, adjusting himself as Anitah stifled a laugh. He stood looking at her with his hands on his hips once he was finished. “Well…?”

“You’d put the Naked Cowboy in New York City to shame, my King,” Anitah burst out into a fit of laughter. “Oh!” She squealed. “One more thing….Milo!” She called the pup. He came running into the room and Liam’s eyes went wide. There came Milo sitting at Liam’s feet in a matching speedo with a hole cut out for his tail. Liam looked from Milo back to Anitah just as she snapped a picture on her phone.

“Oh no!” Liam went running after her as she ran from the room laughing.

Genevieve walked into hers and Rashad’s bedroom holding a small paper shopping bag when her phone beeped. She looked at the picture that Anitah sent her and started laughing really hard. Rashad arched his brow at her. She held up her phone so he could see Liam and Milo wearing matching speedos. He burst out laughing while she wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Let me guess? My banana hammock is in there?” Rashad asked with a solemn face. Genevieve handed the bag over and said, “I’m so sorry you have to wear this, honey. Nothing about a speedo is sexy at all…”

He looked at her, waiting for a smartass comment. When she didn’t say anything, he pulled the bathing suit out of the bag. He shook his head before removing his clothes and putting on the gold glittery speedo.

She covered her mouth taking in the sight before her. While trying to contain her laughter, a loud snort escaped instead, which made her double over giggling. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I can't…I think I’m gonna die. Oh my god! I’m crying.”

He looked in the mirror and ran his hand down his face, “Fucking Leo…I’m gonna kill him. This looks ridiculous, and now I have glitter everywhere.”

She held up her phone and snapped a picture, quickly sending it to the other the girls. Pam’s phone chirped when Genevieve’s text came through.

“Oh these keep getting better!” Pam giggled. She walked into their bedroom as Drake stepped out of the bathroom, a towel tied low in his hips. "Hey baby. When did you get back?” He leaned in pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “Just now. How are things at the stable?”

Drake shrugged running his hand through his wet hair. “They’re good.” He stopped abruptly taking in the smirk on his wife’s lips and the small bag hanging from her finger. “What’s that?” Pam’s face lit up in a wide grin, “It’s for you.” Drake sighed, “ I don’t want that, do I?” Pam shrugged, “Probably not, but you need it for the car wash. Go try it on.”

“Oh, Christ. Fine.” He grabbed the bag and stomped into the bathroom. She heard him grumbling from the bathroom, “Why do you hate me?” She giggled, “I could never hate you!” Drake opened the door with a groan, “Pam…you bought me a Speedo covered in cats.”

Pam smirked, “Well to be fair, Gen was there. Once she saw it, I really didn’t have a choice. Besides, I love my furry kitty.” She stalked up to her husband. “In fact, I think it’s time you make me meow.” He smirked before lifting her up and tossing her onto the bed. “MROW.”

Maxwell walked out of the bathroom sporting his black and white zebra striped speedo. Stephanie’s mouth fell open as she watched her husband dancing in front of the mirror. “I make this speedo look good, Red!”

Stephanie couldn’t help but giggle. “At least you’re confident, babe. I’m sure the other guys are not as happy as you are about wearing these man panties.”

She handed him a robe and Maxwell shook his head. “I’m quite comfortable like this. Let’s go to the car wash!” He threw on a pair of sunglasses, slipped on a pair of flip flops and walked out of their quarters.

Bertrand’s eyes widened as he watched his younger brother strutting towards the main entry. “Maxwell, show some decorum! Put on some clothes this instant!”

“No can do, Bertrand. I’ll be ‘working at the car wash. At the car wash, yeah’.” Maxwell sang and swayed to the beat of the song. Stephanie gave Bertrand an apologetic look as she followed her husband out of the estate.

The five men converged together at the car wash in the capitol. Liam, Drake, Rashad, and Leo were still wearing their bathrobes while Maxwell proudly waited in his speedo. A line of cars had already formed waiting for the car wash to open.

“Alright, boys, it’s showtime,” Anitah said. The girls walked up to their men and removed their robes. The four of them adjusted themselves, trying their best to keep their manhood tucked away. The first five cars pulled up and to their dismay, it was the ladies’ dates from the auction. They rolled down their windows and handed over their money.

Isaiah eyed Drake in his cat speedo and laughed. He was about to say something when Drake glared at him. “Before you say anything, Isaiah, how’s your nose? It doesn’t quite look the same since the night of the auction dinner.” Isaiah instinctively reached up and touched his nose. He rolled up his window without saying a word. Drake chuckled at his pained expression.

Giovanni rolled down his window and . “Hello, your majesty. We Italians prefer the speedo to swimming trunks. It is much more comfortable, no?” Liam pinched the bridge of his nose and didn’t respond. Giovanni was about to close his window when Liam stopped him. “By the way…don’t think I didn’t notice that my wife’s calendar photos were missing. Those will come in the mail soon, won’t they? I have a meeting with your uncle next week. I’m sure he would be quite disappointed if the contract doesn’t get signed while he’s here.” Giovanni gulped but nodded his head.

“Genevieve’s still going to marry you after seeing you in that Rashad?” Sebastian asked with a cocky grin. Rashad grabbed the sponge from the bucket and shook it by the open window. Soapy water splashed Sebastian in the face and the interior of the car. Rashad smirked as he said, “Roll up your window before it’s my fist that comes through next, Seb.” Sebastian quickly rolled up his window as Rashad reluctantly started washing his car.

Leo glared at Jason. “Don’t say a fucking word, Bucannon.” Jason held his arms up and shut his window. Finn got out of his car and gave Maxwell a bro hug. The two men exchanged pleasant hellos before Maxwell started washing his car.

The ladies were gathered together talking when a handsome man approached them holding a tray. He was wearing a red and white striped shirt, black pants and a pirate hat. “Hello, ladies, I thought you could use some refreshments.” He held out the tray of cinnamon rolls and the girls each grabbed one. “Mmm, these are delicious, Mr…” Stephanie said. He replied, “I own Cap’n Nick’s Cinna-booty next door. Cap’n Nick, at your service.”

“Well thanks, Nick! These are amazing!” Alicia said. Nick quirked his brow at Alicia, “I prefer to be called Cap’n Nick…” He looked Pam up and down and licked his lips. “But you can call me Cappy and be my first mate.” Anitah, Alicia, Stephanie and Genevieve shared a look and burst out laughing. Pam choked on the pastry. “I’m just going to call you Captain Nick.”

Nick was enamored by Pam, and he moved closer. In his best pirate accent, he said, “Well, yer the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid me eyes on. Arrrr…ye free Saturday? I’d like to take ye out for a bottle of rum.” Pam took a few steps back, “Umm no, I’m married, Captain.”

The mention of a husband didn’t deter the confident captain. “Ye should leave yer land lubber…so ye can see what me third leg is made of. Me cannon’s primed and loaded. I just need help with me cannon balls.”

Drake turned and noticed the pastry pirate hitting on his wife. He walked up and put his arm around Pam’s waist. Drake looked Cap’n Nick square in the eye as he said, “I already drop the anchor in this lagoon, you’ll have to find a new first mate. Now get out of here before I shove my foot up your poopeck.” Knowing that Drake was serious, Cap’n Nick backed away and went back to his bakery.

A black SUV pulled into the car wash. It was the last car in line. All four windows rolled down and the ladies hung out of the windows. Anitah was in the driver seat, Pam in the front passenger seat, Stephanie and Alicia in the two rear seats, while Genevieve stood up through the sunroof.

“Make it rain, ladies!” Genevieve yelled. The girls each held a stack of bills in their hands as they continuously swiped their other hand over the top of the pile. The bills floated into the air one by one at their defeated husbands and fiancé. Once the car was washed and dried, Anitah peeled out of the car wash parking lot leaving the boys behind.

“Fucking great! None of us have our phones, Liam!” Drake growled. Liam yelled out, “That’s it! She’s cut off until further notice.”

“Oh they’re cut off alright,” Rashad grumbled. Maxwell and Leo nodded in agreement.

Cap'n Nick

[boozedancing]

When Mrs. Satellite Engineer came up with Scotland as a Spring Break destination for us and the teenage daughters, my first thoughts went quickly to Islay. That idyllic island on the west coast is forever in my mind after three days there with the Single Cask Nation (SCN) boys and a few SCN members four years ago. But, alas, this was not to be a whisky trip. This was a family trip to Scotland with, maybe, a little whisky mixed in. Like a cocktail with a wee bit more spirit.

First passes through a proposed itinerary included Islay, but with limited time, it really made no sense with the big loop of driving that our route would take us on the mainland. A new, “better” itinerary sans Islay was constructed by my far better half. And upon presenting it to the daughters, it was met… with glum faces. “What about Islay?!”, they exclaimed. Or maybe whispered. I just know someone said it and was glum saying it. Could well have been me but there were no recording devices to prove it. Apparently I am listened to on rare occasion and my waxing poetic over that last few years about the little island sunk in – and paid off! Islay was back on the trip!

Day 1

After an overnight stay in a Glasgow airport hotel, we walked back to the airport the next morning and boarded a cozy Loganair flight to Islay. I was mentally prepared with low expectations for the flight to be cancelled for the inevitable bad weather that was surely to come, and not atypical of travel in this part of the world. Yet the Gods of the Hebrides looked down upon us with beautiful blue skies and frosty white clouds as we boarded that little 40-seat airplane. The eyes of Daughter #1 widened when she saw Ardbeg, Laphroaig, and Lagavulin a few thousand feet below nestled on the coast. It probably wasn’t the same feeling I had four years ago as my mates and I crossed the channel to Islay via ferry but Daughter #1 was clearly bright-eyed and excited. Seeing her glued to the window in anticipation got me pretty excited too.

A few minutes later we were disembarking the stairwell from the Saab 340B. It was a bit dizzying walking those twenty yards to the tiny terminal. Maybe I was just airsick. Who knows? We were on Islay! And it was a beautiful day!

Islay was a good starter track for my “wrong” side of the road driving practice that I needed. And as we pulled out of the airport “car hire” parking, I was quickly reminded to “STAY TO THE LEFT” by the friendly chorus sitting beside and behind me. Heading south on the A846 towards Port Ellen with fields of peat all around us, I almost pinched myself to wake up from this crazy dream. But that would have required deciding which hand to take off of the wheel safely for the pinching which would have ended in “TWO HANDS ON THE WHEEL!  STAY TO THE LEFT!” I didn’t need that. No pinching. But I really was on Islay again.

The Kildalton Cross

I tried not to play too much tour guide as we got into Port Ellen and passed the malting house. There was plenty to see without me pointing and gabbing. With little time on the island, we had some must-do’s.  First was to head up the eastern coast to the Kildalton High Cross. The quaintness of the island can’t be overstated. Hugging that coastline and driving through its hilly, uneven terrain with only a house here and there, and sheep everywhere else, the family got a crash course in Islay’s unique and varied beauty. Daughter #1 was amazed how the air didn’t have that salty, seaside smell that we’re accustomed to at home near the Pacific. Villages sit against the sea on one side and woodlands on the other. Islay has its mysteries, indeed.  The various signs with their bilingual street names only played on our heartstrings more.  Gaelic can do that to you, especially if you can’t pronounce it. Passing Ardbeg, Laphroaig, and Lagavulin northwards towards Kildalton warmed my heart. We would stop on the way back but it was good to see those friendly buildings again.  

Scotland’s historic spots are fascinating if only for their lack of… visitors. The Kildalton Cross and church grounds are at end of a paved road on a tiny hill. There’s a parking lot though we were the only ones parked on this Saturday morning. And there’s a chain-link fence around the property but it’s only purpose seemingly is to keep the sheep from wandering in. The scattered sheep droppings on the church property proved that either the sheep were really good at opening the gate or visitors were really bad at closing it. It would seem that the sheep love seeing an ancient Christian cross more than human tourists do. Our first bit of sightseeing took us back 700 years in time, and that was without my LA freeway driving skills helping much.

Ardbeg

The drive back down the hill looked like a scene from Lord of the Rings. You pick which one; I get them confused. Go with the one that has the Shire. Coming back through the tree-shaded “neighborhoods”, we were greeted with hens and roosters alongside the road, and even a group of peafowl showing off their mating ritual with plumes a-pluming. I really only wanted to stop into Ardbeg and hit the Old Kiln Cafe for lunch. But much to our surprise, the distillery was closed, though operational. Apparently, the weeks leading up to Easter are “low season” at many distilleries. Nonetheless, we parked. Teen Daughter #2 and I ventured through the property between the buildings  with those luscious whisky-making smells in the air. Never seeing a soul the entire time, we made our way to the little green space behind the distillery overlooking the sea. This was a view of Ardbeg that I missed on my last visit, and with the place closed, it was a quiet, peaceful moment viewing that iconic warehouse. Wind briskly blew off the sea wreaking havoc with the daughter’s mane of hair and also rippled the rainwater atop the nearby standing barrels. Who knows if there is actually the whisky in them or not? They could well be “dummy” barrels for the dummy tourists who make the trek to this distant land. But it didn’t matter; it was pretty cool to us with no one else around.

Islay Woolen Mill Company

Laphroaig was closed also and we just passed on by Lagavulin. With a 2:00 pm tour of Bruichladdich a few hours away, we were going to check off “distillery visit” soon enough. Chris Hallstrom formerly of Scotch Whisky Auctions had told me that a neat little stop was the Islay Woolen Mill Company. A bit past Bridgend proper which is a few miles past Bowmore tucked away in a picturesque notch along the River Scorn lies a tiny ancient factory producing some of the best woolen goods found in Scotland. It’s more of a house with a shop inside and a mill in the back. Owner Gordon Covell welcomed us and had his factory manager give us a tour of the facility that probably hasn’t changed much since it first opened in 1883. It was a short but fascinating look at an art and craft from 200 years ago with its Victorian Era looms rattling away. Their beautiful work has been proudly used in movies like Braveheart, and the shop was easy pickings for this group looking for scarves. The “Laphroaig” pattern scarf is now happily in my possession. The short walk to the car need a look over the bridge above the Scorn. This really felt Shire-y.

Peatzeria

The troops needed lunch before heading to Port Charlotte so we ventured back to the booming metropolis of Bowmore. Peatzeria (get it?) is a fun little restaurant  with a great logo and tagline (“A Slice Of Islay”) and a better menu. A friendly colorful two-story space with a patio overlooking the sea, Peatzeria’s decor is brightly modern and the menu has many twists on local favorites. We sat upstairs next to two young moms as their toddlers happily chowed down cheese pizza, colored on menus, and walked about in socks. It was our kind of place. And they had Irn-Bru on the menu. It was also our first taste of what must be Scotland’s National Soup: Potato Leak which popped up at almost every place we ate all week.

When we made our way downstair we visited with Chef Paul while takeaway ice cream was being served up. He told us about the restaurant’s origins and that business was booming. Paul’s sister-in-law, Caroline, is a Bowmore girl and it was her idea of starting a modern pizzeria on Islay. Her sister, Sharon, and Paul run the place bringing their backgrounds in hospitality and cooking. Now they have THE pizza place on the island that seems a great spot for sunset dinners, family outings and even kids birthday parties. And, yes, there’s various Islay whiskies on the menu (for the adults).

Happily stuffed we headed back towards Bridgend but now took the A847 westward along Loch Indaal. The endless low tide of Islay was off to the left exposing the bay’s many crags and rocks. The waters barely moved. Somewhat desolate, the road to the other lobe of Islay feels like it is taking you very far from the towns of Bowmore and Port Ellen. Homes dot the landscape but are again vastly outnumbered by sheep and even sailboats. Other cars on the road were a rare sight on this day. Pulling into the village of Bruichladdich, distant Port Ellen across the loch felt hundreds of miles away but in reality it’s no more than 20 minutes, especially with my LA lead foot.

Bruichladdich

A few minutes late, we joined the tour as it left the Bruichladdich visitor shop. A few Germans and a few Brits made up the group as we followed tour guide, Frazier, across the parking lot to the first stop, the grist mill. Frazier gave a detailed history of Bruichladdich leading to describing what the role the Porteus grist mill played in all of this. Next was the the open top mash tun which is a unique feature of Bruichladdich’s. It was interesting seeing it completely empty on a day when the distillery was not mashing. The cogs and mechanism looked positively archaic while the vessel seemed so much bigger without any water and grain in it. Was it a big empty metal swimming pool with a sleeping robot inside ready to crush its next prey, or maybe a birthplace for a Marvel superhero or a Transformer waiting to transform. Too much?  I’m a bit nauseous myself.

The Oregon pine wash backs were next, fermenting away their carb-heavy soup. Frazier let us put our noses in each as they were all in different states in the process. And, of course, there was a tasting of the warm, oatmeal-y “beer” that was the result of the fermentation, siphoned out of one of the wash backs. Off to the Still Room where we all felt a tad bit smaller in the that forest of copper works that stretched high to the ceiling. The stills felt bigger to me on this visit and I think that sense was heightened with the daughters looking dwarfed against them. The girls are grown up but seemed less so in this room. The noiselessness gave the stills a peaceful elegant beauty as they waited for their next run in a few days. A walk in the chilly air for a quick visit to one of the warehouses was next. Casks of Octomore plus sherry and ex-bourbon barrels surrounded us while our noses filled with that dank oaky aging spirit smell. I couldn’t breath it in enough. I could see the eyes of the girls and the Mrs. Satellite Engineer widen as we walked by the endless rows of barrels. I could only imagine what they were thinking.

Our guide led us back to the visitors center where many dollars were spent on valinches and other “necessities”.  It was a group effort as I poured one of the “bottle your own”, a 12 year old Port Charlotte finished in a Hermitage Blanc cask, and the girls did the rest of the work of labeling. Future distillery guides in the making. Their first distillery tour was in the books and, I dare say, they are better human beings for it. Good parenting is what we’re all about.

Port Charlotte

Heading farther down the road, a few minutes later we found ourselves in Port Charlotte. Having spent three days there before, it felt like a long lost friend’s kind inviting embrace. Not much had changed in four years which made me very happy. There are still no traffic lights. Progress is overrated.  

We pulled up to the Lochindaal Hotel on the main drag in downtown Port Charlotte. On my prior visit, my mates and I befriended Sarah MacLellan who was tending bar in the pub there. Her parents own the hotel so it was an easy choice for our one night on Islay. Sarah’s mom, Katie, and I e-mailed and she was excited about our visit. We stayed behind the pub in two beautiful joined rooms aptly named the Peat House. Sarah’s father, Iain, and her sister, Helena, welcomed us as if we were coming into their home which we kind of were, at least their second home since they live in the village of Bruichladdich. After a quick unpacking and a few hours of sunlight left, I had one place for us to see.

Portnahaven

Farther south down the road from Port Charlotte is the village of Portnahaven. It literally feels like the end of world as it points off to Northern Ireland. But before getting there we (thankfully) found a herd of Highland cows alongside the road. This was very high on the list of things to see because they are big, shaggy, and cute by all of my family’s accounts. After a brief visit and chat with the coos, we made our way to Portnahaven parking along the bay. This small craggy bay is lined with white cottages overlooking the seals who call it their home too. Several were laying on the rocks in the sun and could care less of our visit.  Not exactly the welcoming committee but at least they were quiet. We parked a short walk from the An Tigh Seinnse pub, the local watering hole not much bigger than a postage stamp. Before entering we met a couple from Glasgow on holiday. They were driving around Islay in a rented RV with their dog Mac. Mac was the friendliest of canines and the first of many who we would meet on our trip.  Dog-loving folks that we are, we became fast friends with Mac, and his owners too. After a last few ear rubs (for Mac), we found our way into the pub where we were warmly greeted by the owner and a few locals. The Ileach are the friendliest of folk who will engage you at the drop of a hat or a tip of a dram. With no hats to drop, we went for the latter and had a wonderful time visiting with the local pub-goers. It would have been very easy to spend the rest of the day in this warm little pub.

With the sun close to being behind the hill and shadows growing toward the loch, we headed back towards Port Charlotte. We made a stop in the village of Nerabus to see its ruins of a chapel and carved grave slabs all dating to the 14th and 15th centuries most likely. The ruins are in the middle of a field requiring a small walk through a cemetery looking towards the water. Again, this ancient spot didn’t seem like a well-visited one except by four-legged wooly locals. But it was a good look back into the Hebrides history.

Port Charlotte

After a bit of rest back at the hotel, it was dinner time. The lovely Port Charlotte Hotel was a stone’s throw from our hotel and seemed a place for a nice dinner. But it was booked up(!) on this Saturday night due to live music starting later in the evening. I remembered another place a short walk up the loch side of the road and luckily it was open. Yan’s Kitchen is a modern bistro looking out to the bay serving up locally sourced seafood, meats, and vegetables. Locally sourced which sounds like a buzzword term to every millennial in Snapchat distance of Portland is the real deal in Scotland as we grew to learn. Listings of where all the menu ingredients came from were commonplace from the fish to the whisky. Yan’s only had Islay whisky to accompany their dishes. Fresh and local weren’t buzzwords here. Our delish dinner included scallops, beef, a large board of local meats, smoked salmon and cheeses, plus pasta. Go big or go home!

The girls were ready to turn in upon our return to the Lochindaal. It was a long couple of days after the long flight from Los Angeles two days earlier. The streets were eerily quiet which made the moonlit sky and its stars top billing for the slightly chilly walk back. The parents said goodnight to the girls then headed back three or four steps into the pub where a lively crowd enjoyed the evening. It was nightcap time.

The pub at the Lochindaal Hotel is actually two pubs, not so-Siamese twins connected at the bar, each with its own entrance. One side is more traditional with a pool table while the other is more of a restaurant where meals for hotel guests and locals are served. The restaurant has a seaside theme that reminded us of home. The bartenders weave between the two sides of the bar easily. Pub side. Restaurant side.  Both are small, friendly and cozy. Our kind of pub. We sat on the busier restaurant side at the bar chatting with locals while a group celebrated a birthday at a table. The whisky list was printed out and taped to the wall. It was a long list that was heavy on the Islays with distillery and independent bottlings. It did not disappoint. My kind of place.  

Four years before when Lee Zaro and I popped in after dinner with the boys, we met Sarah working behind bar on a quiet weeknight, and decided we never wanted to leave. We met probably same group of locals enjoying the pub on this visit. One was the art director of Bruichladdich at the time. A regular at the pub, he was happy to talk whisky, bottle and tin design, and play pool. I don’t recall if he was a born and bred Ileach but he definitely had the sensibilities of the island. Of course, on an island this small, stories of meeting Islay’s distilleries “elite” folk just about anywhere are commonplace. But I’d venture to guess that they are like most anyone else lucky enough to live here. Happy and nice.

Islay Day 1 was over.

Day 2

The day didn’t start off so sunny though it was sunny out. I woke early and ventured out to walk the Port Charlotte streets this Sunday morning. Quiet with only the occasional car passing through, the walk down to the pier reminded me of the my prior visit when my compatriot, Mr. Zaro, and I donned swim trunks and jumped off the slippery concrete pier into the loch because… well, just because. There would be none of that today.

Walking through those serene streets and the whitewash uniformed buildings was a peaceful way to get a little exercise before breakfast. But that all ended when I got back to the hotel and found a flat tire on the rental. An Islay pothole (easily the best in the world) surely got us the day before. Back in the pub, Owner Iain was drinking coffee, watching the news. He offered up tea for me as well as to call the car hire about the tire. Everyone knows everyone on an island this small.

Iain and I with his crewmate George kibbitzed about this and that: whisky, Brexit, Islay life, America, sports, kids, whatever. Just shootin’ the poop in a pub on a Sunday morn on Islay. The rest of the gang made it to the pub for breakfast of eggs, cereal, meats and toast. All prepared beautifully by George.

With the tire fixed, it was time to see what else we could see before heading to the airport with our remaining few hours on the island. We decided to head “behind us” to see if Kilchoman was open. By all accounts it was but after traversing the worst road we’d driven there so far, alas, it was closed. We drove up onto the property and it was good it see again and the ongoing expansion. It was a very different view of Islay from the hill that Kilchoman sat on looking northwest.

Caol Ila

We now decided to leisurely just drive the island on the backside of it and head towards Port Askaig on the Jura side of Islay to the east. The girls quickly fell asleep missing the even more desolate and sparse surroundings out here. Nearing Port Askaig we saw the sign for Caol Ila(!), a distillery I hadn’t been to but makers of whisky that I adore. A bit of an odd jaunt up a hill and then snaking down towards the Sound of Islay, we were both taken by the beautiful location of the distillery along the water. A small waterfall was flowing at the back end of the parking lot coming from the hill that we drove down from.  My, was this picturesque. And OPEN!

We parked, left the girls sleeping, and ventured around the property. A few folks came out of visitors center so that’s where we headed, with no time for a tour. So we shopped. We’re good at that. A distillery cat welcomed us from its perch atop a picnic bench on the patio, and the young woman behind the counter inside was nice and helpful, probably a bit surprised to see visitors on a Sunday morning. A few tastes and a few purchases later, we headed off to the airport. Caol Ila was in the books!

Islay Airport

Iain told me to leave plenty of time to get through Security. I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t. The security measures at Islay’s airport were inversely proportionate to its size. The tiny room past luggage drop-off required a thorough prepping of carry-ons before their trip through the x-ray machine. Then there was a proper pat-down after you walked through the metal detector followed by a more than cursory search of those carry-ons post x-ray. It was rather amazing but made sense since who knows where travelers were actually coming from on their way off the island. Travelers beware.

A relaxing wait in the airport’s waiting area allowed for some contemplation of the quick but memorable visit to the island. We boarded onto Loganair’s Spirit of Edinburgh walking across the tarmac as we did the day before. Our quick trip to Islay was over. Heavy sigh. We came, we explored, we lived. The whole family (less the son in college who already had his spring break) connected with the island in that short time, I think. Connecting with it seemed so easy since it wants to connect with you. The people, the villages, the island life, the solitude, the sea, the peat, the coos, and the whisky. They are all tied together and easily let you become part of them. I only hope it will be less than four years before we can connect again.

Our man @AaronMKrouse takes the family to @isleofislay for #SpringBreak! #Travel #Whisky When Mrs. Satellite Engineer came up with Scotland as a Spring Break destination for us and the teenage daughters, my first thoughts went quickly to…

[zerqueluroo]

My attempt to come of as more healed, more together, more woke and so forth than I had concrete evidence didn’t come from a place of malice or ambition (okay. maybe a little ambition). 

I intended to share my story, my process, my vision for the planet in a way that bridges gaps and reminds us that no one is disposable. 

. All my life, I’ve been trash. I stole some gum when I was three. They caught me, and the owner and my mom put me on the counter and told me that stealing was wrong and that I could go to jail. I don’t remember if I felt scared other than that the counter was high. 

When kids bullied me in school, I was just mean about it. I couldn’t fight; so, I’d scan them and say the most hurtful thing that came to me. Not in a playful dozens kind of way, but in the I just looked into your soul and you ain’t shit kind of way. But in my crisp unaccented English, it might as well have been Miss Anne speaking. 

I’m crazy. I have been hospitalized four times in my life. Twice against my will. 

I dropped out of school at 16, during my second go at the 11th grade because I had behavioral problems. I didn’t enjoy being mocked constantly for wearing my hair as it came out of my head. 

I went to JobCorps where I got pregnant at 23 by a 17 year old guy. I had no idea he was that age. He had his own apartment. I had an abortion. 

I transferred schools and came to Temple. I majored in film. I lived on Broad Street. A bought a homeless man a hamburger. He cursed me up one side and then the other. A group of men came, surrounded me and joined in the bollocking. I blacked out and the next thing I remember, I stayed in bed for like a week, put my head in the oven, dropped out of school and went back to Virginia. 

I lived with my sister for a while and then moved in with my mom before I went back to school and moved to Norfolk. School was great. Until I tried to kill myself again. 

. I returned to Philly in 2004. I lived in Center City. I was in bands. I wrote. I made art. I was ridiculous. I moved from Philly yet played in a “funk band” made up entirely of middle aged white men. 

https://soundcloud.com/glenside-allstars

I served on a jury that sent a young Black man to jail. i have screamed at countless West African cabbies. 

I am post-Christian. I experience an indivisible G-d.. I don’t follow a prescribed religion or methodology because so few who write that kind of stuff down have a perspective and experience of the Divine like I have. . 

I lied about all kinds of shit when I first moved to Philly. I wanted to leave behind the awkward unlovable person I experienced myself to be. I sought to reinvent myself. I tried to pass because according to family lore, that’s how you get to see the world. 

I lied about stupid shit. I’m not sure how it even happened, but at some point I told people that my dad was white. Crazy, right? I mean I get it. Just like Macklemore said that Wu-Tang raised him, John Lennon raised me. 

I own my trash ass and take responsibility because I understand that any other reasonable person who lived my exact experience would have done the same thing. That’s my beef with call out culture. Everyone’s so afraid of feeling like they deserved the traumas they’ve survived that they yell into the wind to push the evil out. When in truth, “I”m trash! You’re trash! We’re all traaaaaash!” 

I don’t know, Maybe I’m just an unstable fool. Maybe I’m an untrustworthy walking stereotype. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m a human being. Fully Divine. Fully an animal. If someone sees those ideas as conflicting or as irrational or just not making sense, maybe just, maybe I am alright and justified to defer to my lived experience and my perspective. 

I am valid.

[sarahlwlee]

31 Stories in 31 Days: Community

What is this? As part of celebrating Asian American & Pacific Islander Heritage Month (May), I am writing a story a day about my experiences as a Chinese Malaysian immigrant in America. My friends and family have provided numerous one-word prompts to help me create these stories. Today’s word prompt was contributed by Lisette MA and the word is “Community”. Thank you Lisette for your contribution and thank you everyone who stopped by to read my story today.

One of the many things I look forward to when I was a teenager was attending camp during school holidays. It was the only time I had the opportunity to meet other kids my age who spoke English well and be part of a small community with a common purpose for a whole week. Most of the camps I attended were Christian-based and organized by Scripture Union, a Christian evangelical organization focused on using the Bible to inspire children, young people and adults to know God. Scripture Union sold a variety of literature and also hosted numerous camps for kids, tweens and teenagers.

My favorite part of any camping experience was the unauthorized late night chats and games with other campers. We do our very best to make sure all the camp counselors are fast asleep and then sneak out to the agreed upon designated spot to talk about boys or girls as well as play a round of truth or dare. The first time I sneaked out to hang out with a few friends was at a tweens camp and it was early in the morning. Our schedule stated wake up was at 7am and many of my newfound friends woke up early around 6am to hang out at the playground because they couldn’t sleep the night before. We talked about a variety of things and laughed. It was a lot of fun. Right before the 7am alarm bell went off, we decided to shout “Wake up”. The bell rung and we shouted really loudly “Wake up”.  We had time until 8am breakfast so we stayed on the playground and continued chatting.

The lead camp counselor had just woken up and was walking towards the bathroom when he saw us at the playground. He asked us why we were hanging out at the playground, we told him and he joked with us for a little while before he walked away to continue to his destination. Little did we know, we were going to pay for our actions. At 9am we had a daily camp assembly outdoors and we lined up within our designated groups to listen to our camp counselors’ announcements before we separated into our respective groups for activities. The lead camp counselor started talking about a group earlier that morning making a lot of noise prior to 7am. He said those individuals are punished for not following the rules of maintaining quiet hours and the punishment was duck walking (squatting like a duck with your arms like wings and walking in squatted position) in circles five times around the assembly. He didn’t point out who, but he said, “You know who you are, so get going on the punishment otherwise we will ALL have to stand out here in the hot sun until you do.”

A few of my friends started falling out of line and started duck walking. I looked at my friend Aliza if we should follow suit, she looked at me and you could see the guilt all over her face. She followed suit duck walking with the others. I couldn’t continue staying in line while I watched my friends get punished. So I joined the group and duck walked. This was when I learned to never get caught by a camp counselor and to do your fun unauthorized activities at night.

When I was about 15 or 16 years old, I attended a camp called Closer 2 God (pictured in group photo wearing black t-shirts). One of the late nights, I decided to hang out at a friends room with a few other girls to chat and talking about some of the boys at camp. It was the best way not to get caught by a camp counselor. While we were talking, someone knocked on our door. I felt a sudden dread that we had been caught. My friend Rachel opened the door and it was two fellow campers seemingly frantic. They stayed in the room next door. What we found out was they were locked out of their room and both of them left their keys in the room. This was one of those doors, where you always need your key or else the door locks behind you. They were afraid to ask a camp counselor for help especially since it was late and we didn’t want to get caught being awake. I asked if their window was open and where exactly was their keys. They said yes to the window and the keys was on the table.

We had wire hangers in the room closet and I had learned a trick from my family who were back fans of MacGyver, so you can imagine where this story is going. I grabbed a wire hanger extended it out and created a hook at the end. Outside of my friends’ room window was a ledge large enough for one person to stand on and walk over to the room next door. I hopped outside with my make shift wire hook and walked over to the open window next door to find the keys. The keys were where she described it and I pushed the hook through the window to fish the keys out from the table. It took a few tries before I got the keys and pulled it towards me. I grabbed the keys from the hook, walked on the ledge back to my friend’s room and hopped back into the room. The two campers were elated. They thanked us for our help and started hurrying back to their room. I said to everyone in the room, don’t tell anyone not even the camp counselors about what happened otherwise we’re all going to be in trouble. We kept out agreement and decided to end the night after all that excitement.

Going camping was not only adventurous but also the time where I applied a lot of random life skills I learned at home. You see, when my family use to own two cars sometimes we would travel separately to church because someone in the family had to go early to set up, practice for service or attend a meeting after church. A couple of times, my mom, brother and myself, would go home and we wouldn’t have the house keys on us because whoever was holding the house keys earlier swapped cars and left the keys in the center console. The first time this happened, my brother had to climb over our fence gate and try to open the front door. The problem is getting past the gate at our front door. Malaysian homes has a lot of gates or metal cross cross frames around windows and doors to prevent people from breaking in. The spare key was in the house, so my mom made a hook out of a metal wire hanger and my brother fished the spare keys from inside our house.

The subsequent time this happened, my mom had the foresight to hide a spare key in a shoe closet outside of the front door for easier access should something happen again. All these experiences taught me a few things: 1) Always brings your keys with you no matter where you’re going, 2) If you’re stuck in a pickle, use what you have to get yourself out, and 3) many favorite television programming influenced our creative problem solving. Sometimes it takes a community to learn together and solve a problem together. You never know who in the group might have experience making a hook wire out of a hanger.

[ynibytina]

Meet Spencer Kane!!!

I fell in love with Spencer Kane's voice when I heard his song "One Of THE Kind" on Youtube. The message of the song is simple: everyone is different, so stand out and be yourself, and don't be a bully. I recently got to interview this Kendallville, Indiana native that is a spokesperson for PACER's National Bully Prevention Center and also is just about to perform on the 2013 iShine Live tour. If you want to learn more about him, you can check out his personal website, YouTube channel, or Facebook & Twitter pages.

Favorite Musicians: Tobymac, Lecrae, Trip Lee, Jor'Dan Armstrong, Jason Derulo, Capital Kings, The Ground Above.

Favorite Movies: Ace Ventura Pet Detective (#1) & any action movies.

Favorite Books: I Am Number 4 Series.

Favorite Color: Blue.

Favorite Holiday: Christmas.

Mac or PC: Both.

Twitter or Facebook: Twitter.

Blackberry or iPhone: iPhone.

Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.

Winter or Summer: Summer.

Pancakes or Waffles: Pancakes.

Math or Science: Math.

Past, Present, or Future: Present & Future.

What's your favorite song off your new EP besides "One of THE Kind?"

Move-In The Right Direction is my favorite on the EP because even though I wrote 4 of the 5 songs on the EP, that is the one which I was most involved in creating the music and overall production. The other songs I sang and gave input, but they were more directed by the Executive Producer and Producer. I like them all, but Move In The Right Direction was almost like I was able to help assemble each piece of the song the whole way through. The others I would sing my vocals and then kind of wait for the producer to give me a rough cut with music that I could critique and just kind of wait to see what happened. MITRD was very hands-on in the studio in Nashville for me and that will always be my best memory of this EP.

What made you realize you wanted to pursue a career in music?

I believe it was when I was 13 and auditioned for a local version of an Idol competition in my county. There were like over 100 people who tried out in my age category (under 16) and I made the top 10 and actually finished 2nd place. (The video of this performance is on my Youtube channel). I sang Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 and the judges of that competition were professional artists and voice trainers. They all said I did well. So when I look back and see that someone other than family felt I may have a chance to do something with music, it sort of made it easier to choose to pursue it. But even then and until the past 6 months, I was still not sure if it was something I'd do as a hobby or pursue professionally. Once I met with iShine in Nashville and Robert Beeson (founder of Essential Records who originally signed Jars of Clay and Third Day, and like the winner of 6 Grammys and a bunch of Dove Awards) I was told I had good potential. So, I guess that made it even more clear that I should take it more seriously. I'm such a jock athlete, it's been hard to walk away from a life in sports and dream of playing at the highest levels, but right now I'm just like taking it a step at a time and hopefully this upcoming tour starting on February 15 will make the picture even more clear. LOL.

What can you expect to see in the fourth season of iShine Knect?

The show is based on a school of performing arts and students who are talented in a lot of ways. It centers around The Rubyz, Mission 6 and a few other regulars. This new season was my first and I play myself in the show (Spencer Kane). I have a few episodes where I have more speaking lines than not, but many where I am just an extra in the background. I do know we filmed me performing my entire EP on stage at a concert at TBN Studios in Nashville the beginning of December 2012. I know they will be showing me singing on some episodes. I really liked the scripts and the topics of each show and think the over 1 million kids who tune in each week will like it too.

Your song "One of THE Kind" is about bullying. You recently became a spokesperson for PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center. How did that come along?

Yes. That song was based a lot on my own personal experiences in junior high and still even now being bullied for things. But it's also about some of the sad stories I've been told by fans around the world who face bullying in their own country just like here. Some places it's worse than here, but bullying is bullying. So the song is kind of my way of telling people to reach out and be kind and talk to people who may be hurting. PACER was a site that we submitted my song to in hopes they would tweet it or at least post a link on their site of the music video since it was based on what they are all about. That kind of led to a few phone calls from them to learn more about me and after a conference call with my manager in early December along with my dad and I, we sort of agreed to move forward in them helping me with bullying prevention curriculum to share at my live performances and them having me become a national spokesman for their organization. It's quite an honor since Demi Lovato has been their primary spokesperson for the past 5 or 6 years. They work with Disney and The Ellen Show as a partner against bullying, so it's really cool to know that they believe in my message enough to want to join together in our efforts to prevent bullying.

Someone once said write what you would want to perform over and over again. With that in mind, if you could only sing one song on stage (one of your own songs and one cover song), what would it be and why?

Great question. Right now I'd have to say "Be Alright" by Justin Bieber is one that I relate to and think I can sing well in a live performance. Reason To Be from my new EP is one that I actually like to sing because I believe the producer helped me to get the best out of my vocals on that song. I think people that hear the song really connect emotionally and in a live concert, that's what you really hope for.

What does a current day in your life look like?

Haha! Well, thank goodness right at the moment it's not been as crazy as it was from June until Christmas in 2012. But the tour is coming up in February and March and I'll be on the road for nearly 5 consecutive weeks and that will probably be crazy. But I'm a full-time H.S. student and varsity basketball player. I wake up early for school at like 6:15am and have to travel like 20 miles to get there one way. I usually have practice or a game 6 days a week, so I can usually plan on being up until 10pm working on homework, home chores, or cramming whatever other free time I have into something to do with music like chatting with fans online, or rehearsing music, writing music, listening to music, filming music videos or Vlogs, or even doing interviews or performances somewhere. Most people don't know HOW I fit my life in, but we seem to manage as a family right now. I'm sure my schedule after the tour may look different.

Besides music and sports, what do you like to do for fun?

I'm an Xbox gamer. I love playing online against friends or people I don't know. I'm very competitive so I like being able to try to beat my personal best score or be able to talk smack to a friend if I can manage to beat them. I play sports games or Call of Duty. Otherwise, I'm a movie guy. My parents and I watch a lot of movies when we have the time. I have a pretty beast-man cave in my basement where my dad and I just chill, so that's fun. Sometimes I go to the mall or hang with friends, but not very often.

What does your family think of your performances and how do they support you?

Well grandma's, of course, think I'm amazing. LOL. But honestly, my aunts and uncles are pretty supportive too. My best friend is my cousin Evan who is also 16 and he and I go to the same school. He is a huge supporter of me too. But my mom and dad are probably my biggest help. Dad owns a marketing company and is a photographer and videographer. He films all my music videos and edits them. He also does all my pictures so that is a huge help. He manages my marketing stuff like album cover art, and posters, and making my website. He like takes care of a lot of the business stuff for me like contracts and stuff. Mom is my cheerleader and is always checking out the "fangirls" to make sure they aren't up to something that will hurt her little boy. LOL. But I'd say that a lot of what I do with music is because God put me in a great family. My parents always try to make sure I have time to be a kid and have as normal a life as possible. So I guess that is a huge help too.

What's the best part about working with iShine?

I think the fact that I can be the artist I want to be and don't have to meet a stereotype that people expect when you're working with a Christian media group like iShine. I mean, the first time we ever met I explained that I'm definitely a Christian and always want my music to be morally positive, but I have NO plans or call to be a "Christian Artist". Like I don't envision me making albums of praise and worship type songs. It's not who I am or how I want to make music. iShine owners and management said they appreciated my sincerity and honesty and that it made them even more supportive of working with me. They believe my music will reach a broad group of young people who may or may not be Christians and that, I guess, is a good thing for them. So, they have been amazingly helpful in developing me and teaching me about the music industry. They let me work with Jeff Savage (Tobymac's Grammy Winning producer from the album Momentum and Diverse City and the writer of Irene and J Train). That alone was amazing to know I was working with him. He's awesome. He produced One of the Kind, 413 and Blue Sky from my new EP. So just working with him and then working with Zach Hall (producer of Newsboys "God is Not Dead" album) was also amazing. So I just think our goal in 2012 was to be able to work with professional and experienced producers who could help my music get to the next level, and iShine has definitely helped me to do that.

If you could perform anywhere in the world, where would you play and why?

I think anywhere in a huge venue with like 100,000 fans would be incredible. Even like 20,000 fans would be insane. I think the location isn't as important as knowing I would be able to perform for people who really wanted to see me perform. That's going to always be my goal. I love making music videos and seeing people like them on Youtube, but performing live in front of a huge audience would be fantastic.

[pink-valkyrie]

31 days Of Halloween Drabbles

                                             Octobers    31    Drabbles

Roughly ideas of come up with for this month, characters are based off of my friends. Couldn't fit them all on there or go into  many details. Hope you enjoy reading this. Based off on things I’ve done or going to do, and somethings that may or may not have happened.

1)Introduction of characters and Fall Activities:  Elaine (Main character), Linda ( elaine's best friend), Christain (Elaines boyfriend), Jake,(like linda childhood friend) Mandy (Jakes friend and also new to group), Robin (elaines bestfriend  from work), Mary (Jareds girlfriend new to the group), Ashley (Jordon girlfriend),Jordon (friend from highschool and Ashley's boyfriend), Dan ( elaines childhood friend a bit of an asshole), Logan ( elaines childhood friend), Jared (friend from highschool),  are all young adult friends enjoying the season of Fall. Elaine the groups fun, fall loving mother hen plans to enjoy all 31 days of October the best she can and she plans to involve everyone the best she can the end result being a Halloween party.  We join our group in  31 fall activities or misadventures we shall see.

2) "Guys!" Elaine said," lets go on a haunted hayride it'll be fun, they even have a paintballs guns to 'shoot' the monsters with."  AN with those words nearly everyone in the group was on their way to the local Hayride to Hell attraction. The only ones who couldn't make it was Mandy, Robin, Ashley, Jordan due to work. Logan had some how gotten out of his shift saying there was no way he was going to miss shooting monsters. As the group paid for it and enter with their paint balls guns some even buying more ammo than necessary to take down the monster, *cough Elaine cough*. Everyone gave her a weird look. "What?" Linda being the first to speak loved to tease her best friend. "Just admiring your arsenal, plan to take them all by yourself?" With that everyone began laughing. Christian rarely got to come to anything always working, paused his laughing long enough to gasp out "More like she needs extra for when she misses nearly every shot in a panicked state. "  Seeing the glare he was getting from his girlfriend, he said "Sorry honey I love you but you really are a chicken and I'm afraid that affects your aim."  As they took their seat and the ride began it became silent as the driver went over the story, Elaine was shaking not from fear but from the cold, she should've dressed warmer than her jeans, tennis shoes t-shirt with half sleeves. Everyone sighed preparing for the long lecture she was sure to recieve from Linda later (the other mom of the group). Christian handed her his jacket in hopes it'd warm her just alittle more. As it was nearing the end after being shown a few terrifying scenes from the story it was time to defend the wagon. It went relatively well their group and the other they went with were doing fine. Until Dan's assholery kicked in and he moved his gun and nailed Elaine in the shoulder on purpose "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry Elaine you alright.?" Everyone was too involved in what happening to think Dan's misfire was more than an accident. Christian glanced over to see her eyes watering and her biting her lip, she'd taken off the jacket to shoot not that he was worried about it right now, that was definitely gonna leave a big brusie fired at such a close range. He was slightly mad, he grumbled  an angry be more careful an watch what your doing. Mary, Linda, and Jared had paused in their shooting to look over and check on Elaine.  Logan took out a few more also giving her a once over. At that moment Dan was hauled off the wagon by a much bigger and taller monster (aka a marine who liked scaring people in this month). "I saw what you did you little prick." Dan had already rounded on the guy about to unleash is anger, when he was promptly shut up.  "That sure didn't look like an accident you shooting your friend in the shoulder. We have protective gear to wear. She doesn't an I highly doubt she deserved that. We have rules you have to follow when operating equipment and being in a setting like this. While its fun and all, its not safe to horseplay. An I'm going to have to ask you leave, an this guy signaling another bulky looking guy is going to escort you instead of myself."  Turning his attention back to the stunned and slightly angry group he walked up to Elaine. "You and the rest of your friends can follow me, I'll show you some behind the scenes things as we get that shoulder cleaned up and treated." It had been a fun night for everyone despite the mishap towards the end. Jared, Logan, and Christian were fuming about what Dan did. The girls while also mad were more concerned about Elaines feelings. He had been doing alot of awful and mean things lately it brought in to question was it really okay to have him at the party. Alot of the group members didn't think so.  Something Elaine was gonna have to talk to him about later. 3) The Haunted Corn Maze, Dan, linda, Christian, and robin couldn't come to this one. Complete it within 2 hours and its free, but there were ghost and ghouls hiding in there to scary the maze goers. Everyone looked at Elaine like she'd lost her mind but they went along with it. That went relatively smooth they were going to complete the maze a group together and get their money back until The guy with the chainsaw jumped out they all began to run but Elaine panicked so much and ended up running wild through the maze. Everyone had made it, everyone except Elaine. They went and got their money back and waited near the exit. A few minutes Later she came wobbling/hobbling through the maze. SHe was sweaty, tired, dusty, and she was favoring her ankle, she had definitely tripped, she got her money back and was on her way to the car. Maze mission kinda of a success. 4)Movie Night  Everyone except Dan was there. Mandy and Elaine were picking out movies to watch as they tried to meet the needs of everyone there. The group plus a few more had shown up. Here were the things to omit when it came to choosing movies. No Chucky/dolls, No possession or exorcisms, No clowns, No movies with lots of gore, No zombies,  No final destination or saw like movies with the shock factor/cringe. One didn't even want scary movies. Sighing Elaine finally said  its tradition so there will be one, there will be one at the halloween party. We can do classics like Halloween (I'm a fan of Michael Myers and etc),  Or We can a few family like movies like casper meets wendy, hocus pocus, anything tim burton related, or scary god mothers spooktaular halloween and jimmys revenge. Another option would be a series like most terrifying places in america, halloween wars, haunted attractions, fear factor, hellevator, ghost adventures, etc. It was a painful task but they picked out the movie for the party a classics. An a few for the moment. It was painful few minutes finding a few movies but everything after was considered a success. The only ones left in the house now was Christian and Elaine who insisted on him staying the night to which he responded. "Chicken." But got comfy anyway. --------At this point Dan is taken out of the story by his choice, since his relations with the group are strained ------ 5) Elaine had a small fear of the dark or to be specific what could be in the dark. She couldn't see very well, and at night she panicked at every little sound because she also hated being by herself. So while inside she kept the rooms well lit, a weapon near by, cellphone, a escape root and etc. But while outside she kept a small light and always ran to her destination. 6) Fears everyone had them and now it was time to discuss them, Fear of spiders shared by Elaine, Mary, and Linda. Fear Of Clowns by Jordan. Fear of Heights by Christian also shared by Elaine. Fear of needles by Linda, Elaine, and April. So many discuss, Fear of being alone, screwing up, never accomplishing anything, fear of snakes,fear of wrecks, fear of dying, fear of disease, fear of surgery, claustrophobia, and the list goes on and on etc etc  But it if we had a check list everyone looked to Elaine how do you even get out of the house anymore scaredy cat.  To which she responded gotta live some how even though I'm afraid of alot of things I can't and refuse to let most of it hold me back from what I want and need to do. 7)Alright ghost stories, that was a mission failed, they ended up googling it, some turned it into a comedy, some were bad, 8) That was kinda fun, The age old debate which is better or who would win. Vampire vs Werewolf. Which is better? That was a mixed debated that lasted over 10 minutes, and explained reasoning.  Kate from underworld vs Blade aka wesly snipes from Blade. again that lasted awhile. Which is better the original or remake. Movie vs book, This character vs this one, on and on it was fun as long as there was no real fighting. 9)Trivia was a disaster though while the easy question like what colors were on freddys sweater in the nightmare on elm st where answered quickly others were not. While some knew answers others on the other hand were clueless about every 2 out of five questions and the there were mixed questions throughout the bag. After about a 30 minutes they gave up. 10) They discussed what treats to make for the party after food was discussed. Whats a party with out deserts. Someone said scary smores decorated cake pops, fruit/veggie tray, witches broomsticks (resse cup with a pretzel in it), and many other treats were brought up but finger foods/quick grab in goes with no mess was what everybody wanted. 11)Elaine exited her house one day to find stuff drew on her car, sighing she cleaned the mess darn friends and there markers. Christian wanted to trick her as well. She was very easy to scare. She was always weary round this month and April 1st anyway. So on a night Christian stopped by after work which was around 11:30pm. She went to the door as soon as she seen his truck pull up. When she turned the light on and stepped outside the truck was there but he wasn't. the window was down but the door was shut. Oh great she thought she knew where this was going it didn't look like he hid under the truck. She crept over quietly just then her motion censor light went out. Crap she thought she tried calling out and talking to him. She stood in front of the head lights, about to make a break from it when he grabbed her.  Luckily she didn't scream, he was laughing by the end of it. She nearly had a heart attack not funny. Oh boy did he have some making up for that. It was worth he said though. 12)Next costumes were important and festive. While some had already had there's planned out others were up in the air, some didn't even know. A few told her what they were going to do. Elaine was low on cash while her Jake, Mary and Jared were out shopping one day, Jared and Mary did a couple thing (a robin hood/green arrow looking costume for Jared and Mary chose a medieval looking princess dress)  Both Looked good. Elaine pitched ideas left in right Elaine with alittle help from Mary decided to be a black cat. Mandy Was going to do something with make-up, Linda was debating on a witch or something else. Logan had no idea. Robin hadn't discussed it.  There was no telling with Christian she thought, one year he was a cowboy while she was a vampire other times he had to work and came to the party in his uniform while she was a cop or something else. Jordon always beat everyone though the only man enough brave/crazy enough to compete with us. Going as far as become a pregnant woman, that was the year he did three different changes, vampire dress, lady bug dress, and his original pregnant lady. Ashley was herself dress up every now and then. The rest of the group didn't say anything. 13)Elaine was decorating her house like no tomorrow. The dining room being the one with the most attention, everything else had something small here are there. She still needed to clean and find some more decorations soon. After all she was trying to do everything on a budget. 14)She had yet to get a pumpkin but Elaine knew she and a few of her friends would have to get together and paint or carve pumpkins, As soon as the Jackolanterns were set up it finally began to feel like halloween. 15)Another thing was those damn leaves that she had to rake up constantly. Yep defiantly fall with all those colorful leaves falling of the trees and turning brown, the ones already brown crunching into smaller pieces creating more of a mess. Finally they were in a pile, then the wind blew and they were scattered again, another time nearly done, the her friend Jordan against the advice of the others jumped and ran through the leaves, sighing she handed it to him to rake while she and the others got a some in a stack, then it started raining so they became soggy and impossible to push into a bag. They were nearly done she growled throwing the rake down she moved the bags as the others were inside, the last one called for her to hurry before she was soaked, as she turned an began walking back she stepped on the rake and walked into it tom and jerry style. Holding her nose she pick it up, carrying it with her set it in its spot and entered the house grumbling the. Damn falling leaves and hurtful rakes. 16)A dance was being held an while a few of the friends wanted or did go Elaine was at home that day after work going to bed early after fighting her seasonally allergies. 17)Ghost hunting is something some of the group had talked about doing for a while. An a few attempted over the years Elaine chickened out every time this time however she was gonna do it not alone of course as they were about to leave the sky turned dark and it began to rain heavy with howling winds, everyone was disappointed and went home. Yep she sighed good old weather saved me this time. I take this as sign not to every do this again. 18)Hide an seek. What are we five Elaine? But none the less they were out there in the dark with flashlight playing it.  It quickly became cold, a chore, a near injuries when they began to run from the seeker. Elaine was close to the last one found during each game. The only person harder to find was Christian. But after about an hour or so they called it quits and went inside. 19)Ah Murder mystery Elaine couldn't afford the board game but she put a game and story and roles together for everyone to play at the party she couldn't wait, it was drawing near. 20)Pick your poison was another game she was planning on doing, like truth or dare but instead of truth you take a shot of a nasty drink or a nasty jelly bean. Yep Elaine thought only have one choice do the dares I've come up with or go to my fave poison and drink. 21)While there weren't going to be any this year or any year people had to go home and weren't responsible there was always alcohol games like take a shot every time tis person says this, dare or drink, and a few others. 22)Another fall activity she thought about doing was Bobbing for apples since it was traditional and fun. But it was also messy, and cold so that was a possibility. 23)Oh Urban Legends was fun to discuss especially with this group they new so many and with what they didn't know they were open to watch a scary clip on it, or googling, sadly Elaine didn't get that much sleep that night and Christian had to stay with her all night again. 24)Candy was a halloween must. They were so many candies out there. Elaine Loved sour candy, gummies, chocolate like herseys, m&m, reeses cups and etc. she was pretty basic like the regular stuff and not much else. Her friends were the ones with weird flavors. Sadly Elaine would have to wait to buy candy for the party because it would get eaten before then by herself, house guest. 25)Fire! a bonfire would've been a great thing to do when the burn ban was lifted. But it makes since they could have roasted hotdogs, marshmallows like they did a few months ago. Plus it'd be alight warmer and festive. She was sure the firebugs of the group would love that. But she wasn't going to bring it up until after the burn ban and on a day the weather wasn't so windy and everything was dry. 26)Investigative discovery is something Elaine Just loved it seemed like every time someone came over she was watching it. It was that cartoons, movies, series she liked, sometimes comedies, and anime. Oh man did they all make jokes about it. One time they found her making a list of fall activities and found murder at the bottom after laughing they ripped that part, laughed, playfully hit her and said if a cop found that you'd be in jail you lunatic watching all those murder shows finally has you batty. She always argued she didn't watch it all the time, just majority of the time, what could she say she loved crime shows like that. 27)Quotes she liked a few from scary movies, books, and something well know people had quoted she through those in with the trivia questions her favorite were the macbeth inspired questions. 28)Elaine watched, read, googled, Diy's for decorations, recipes, costumes, and more this year, trying to gather more information on what she could do. What she was missing and could pull off. An just more ideas in general, the costumes were just for herself for next year and the people who had yet to find a costume on a budget. 29)For the party she decided to put her painting skills into affect by painting monster like portraits and scenery her favorite being the one she made of Frankenstein for last years party. 30) The last thing she did was create a halloween playlist for the party with songs she liked an could get a scary vibe off of.  A few of the songs marie laveau, somebodys watching me, thriller, haunted, monster, theme songs, this is halloween, superfreak, calling all the monsters, love potion number 9, i put a spell on you, E.t, Disturbia, radioactive, my songs know what you did in the dark, mad hatter, dragula, let the bodies hit the floor, helter skelter, beetle juice jump the line, come little children, the night by volitare and the land of the dead.  

31)The Party was the last thing and it would definitely be a success, For the official ending check back after Halloween.