#like on the one hand the man is basically celibate but on the other hand his magic 30 was apparently a week long riot of a bender

[attractthecrows]

amusing myself by imagining how much pellinore warthrop would HATE any potential bastard of his

[cinnasalmon]

→ Zevlor NSFW Alphabet

Various NSFW relationship headcanons, one letter at a time! Very long. Even longer than the SFW one. Sorry not sorry

SFW Alphabet here !

CAUTION: There is some dom/sub and kink talk. Nothing graphic, but JSYK.

→ A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

The doting just doesn't stop with this man. No matter how rough the sex was, how feral he was, how much of a different side of him he showed, he will revert back to his usual affectionate self.

He will make for damn sure his partner his taken care of before he even thinks of sleeping—no matter now tired he is. He cannot fully rest until his partner or lover is relaxed. Water, a bath, extra cushions, blankets, massaging oil, etc. at the ready. 

God forbid he does fall asleep before they do, the entire next day is dedicated entirely to them, 100%, even if they state several times they're fine and he's got nothing to worry about. Doesn't matter to him, in his mind he needs to make up for lack of being a good partner.

→ B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His self-esteem has seen better days, so he probably doesn't have a favorite body part of his own. I think if he had to choose, maybe abs or legs: they gotta be toned as hell, even at his age. Good job, Zevlor. You earned it. 👏

Favorite body part of his partner's though? Is “everything” an answer? Body worship extraordinaire over here. Whatever body part his partner doesn't like of their own, he'll love on it extra. They don't even need to verbally state they're self-conscious about it; he takes notes, and he knows. Next time, he'll spend plenty of time leaving slow, loving kisses on it and caressing it with a heated touch.

→ C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Oh lordy this man has a lot of cum. Hah, maybe not as much as someone like Halsin, but the longer he goes without cumming the more cum his loads will have, obviously. But even otherwise, I still think he's got a fair bit. 

His taste isn't too distinct; it's pretty run-of-the-mill. But he has quite a bit and it is thicky and sticky, so if his partner is one to swallow, get ready. And if they don't swallow, well get ready, too. He'll be cumming everywhere and if he cums on their face? They better have their eyes shut tight that's all I'm saying lmao

→ D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

I've seen a couple of people mention a possible scent kink and I can't get it out of my mind. This man cannot get enough of his partner's smell; their pheromones drive him uh, fucking bonkers. Of course he enjoys it after a fresh wash, but when they're hot and sweaty? My goodness he's got a chub just from a whiff. And when their scent changes from becoming aroused? Insert boi-oing sound effect here ‘cause that's what's happening in them trousers.

Convince him to give some training, particularly outdoors for best effect, and watch as he becomes more… hands-on as time goes on. Wouldn't be hard to get him to tussle—a little play wrestling if you will—and he'll be tempted to fuck right there in the dirt. 

→ E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

For sure knows what he's doing. He's got experience under his belt (hehe), it's just… been a while is all. 

Back in his heyday, Hellriders were the local authority and sought after as partners and lovers, so no shortage there. I'm not fixed on one set of headcanons for Zevlor's young soldier days, so whether he had a hoe phase or was committed to one partner the whole time, I do think he's had experience nonetheless. (However, I have been toying around the idea of a virgin/celibate Zevlor, but that's a whole other can of worms not particularly relevant right now)

Plus, he's a romantic, so even if he doesn't have much experience, his intuition and drive will translate well in the bedroom.

→ F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

OH LORD. Anything where he can see their face. He likes seeing just how good he makes someone feel, just from his touch (and/or words 👀). It doesn't matter if he's dom or sub or top or bottom or what-the-fuck-ever—he gets so much pleasure from seeing his partner unravel. He's cum solely from getting his lovers off before, so that's nothing new, either.

Missionary is a given, but he also enjoys lotus. If he's riled up, mating press and the like is also on the menu. If he wants to show off his high strength and his partner fits the bill, he'll stand up, hold them by their ass, and bounce them on that thang. 

→ G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

I mean, he is pretty serious for the most part—he aims to please. But sometimes sex is weird! There's funny noises and cramps that happen sometimes. He's used to it, and he'll go with the flow. He just enjoys being intimate, no matter how awkward it can be. He may chuckle here and there, but he mainly feeds off of the energy of his lover. If they get embarrassed, he'll reassure them they shouldn't be ashamed of their own body and the weird noises it makes sometimes. 

And sometimes if a particularly contorting position spontaneously falls apart and they fall on top of each other, he'll make sure they're okay first and foremost, then have a laugh at the happenstance—it was worth a try!

→ H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

This is quite influenced by my own bias/preferences as I'm borderline turned off by body hair, so please proceed with caution knowing that lmao

I personally don't see him as a hairy guy like, hardly at all. He keeps his face shaved (and has fairly dark stubble when it starts growing back) but otherwise his body hair is very fine and sparse. Mainly arms, legs, some hairs on his chest, a semblance of a happy trail, and a light bush that doesn't really grow enough to warrant much maintenance. 

Color-wise, very close to his sandy locks, perhaps a shade or two darker.

→ I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Oh. My. Lord. He is a king and expert on intimacy; as I've stated numerous times before this man craves connection above all else. He is focused entirely on his partner and their pleasure, created and caused by himself. Sure he likes the little bit of ego boost from seeing his partner through to their climax just from his touch, but what matters most is they're safe and comfortable enough to be in such a headspace with him. 

→ J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

So, this really depends. Before Elturel fell, it wasn't too terribly often, maybe a couple of times a week. 

But I think after the exile, he'll be too stressed to take care of himself. Howeverrr… if he pines after and crushes on someone, he'll realize just how pent up he is. He'll still try to be a gentleman and not frantically get himself off to the thought of their naked body rubbing against his, but eventually he'll cave and have an immediate and immense sense of relief… and feel like a total pervert.

Being in an established relationship, he doesn't really feel the need unless he or his partner is away for a few days or more for whatever reason. He misses their companionship, so his hand will have to suffice until they can be together again.

→ K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

The most obvious is breeding kink. This man has always wanted a family but never let himself have one due to the expectations and stress of being a Hellrider. But if his partner begs him to breed them, regardless if they can physically bear child or not, he's going to snap.

And like I mentioned before, scent kink. 

→ L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Not into exhibitionism; he likes the intimacy of privacy. He doesn't have to worry about prying eyes or ears. So, anywhere that is secluded, ideally at home or a room at an inn, but if the situation calls for it, “secluded” is the keyword here 😉

→ M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Ummmmmm anything his partner does (jk…ish). But for real, body worship, y'all: make him feel wanted, loved, noticed, etc. His self-image can be in the pits sometimes, so love on him plenty, dote on him often; show him he is worthy, he is enough, and let him steer the reins if he wants to take it further. 

If you want to go from 0 to 100, the base of his tail is extremely sensitive. He could be holding back with a steel resolve, but consider that the feral button. A gentle touch will become a pointy grip. A relieving sigh rolls into a hungry snarl. Godspeed.

And honest to god, I think he would probably get turned on if he saw his crush or partner do something heroic or good (without expecting anything in return). Killing some threatening hyenas or goblins, breaking up a fight… shit, even helping an old lady pick up her spilled groceries. Whatever they're doing, he's in pure awe, and will jump on those bones at the opportunity.

→ N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

(CAUTION: degradation, pain, humilation, and mindbreak)

As a dom = degradation or pain kink is going to be very dicey. He's devastated just by seeing his partner hurt, but if it’s caused by him? Girl bye. Even times when he gets a little carried away and feral and draws some blood with his scratches or bites can wrack him with guilt, no matter how much his partner reassures him they enjoyed it both in the moment and afterwards. So anything beyond that would probably be a hard no from him, but he'll be willing to hear their reasoning behind it and see if a compromise can be reached.

As a sub = my first thought is humiliation kink like, bordering mindbreak. I think he can handle some embarrassment, but humiliation where it's teetering the edge of mindbreak would be a no-no zone. Obviously from the events of Act 2, he doesn't take well to any threats to his psyche, and I'd wager that would extend to kink as well. But he's got immense mental fortitude—so he can handle some heat, if you're picking up what I'm putting down. 

→ O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

I'm a parrot when it comes to this but it's true—he is a man. of. service. And I'm not just talking in terms of a paladin.

He aims to please—especially his partner, like hello!!! Of course he loves receiving, but he wants to give more than he receives. That's his motto, baby. He gets pleasure from pleasing his partner, he could cum just from getting them off (and he has!)

And skill? Oh have no fear, he has experience, but it'll only take one, maybe two times before he knows his lover's sensitive points that sends shivers down their spine. He loves their taste, their arousal, just from his touch. He'll be an expert in his partner's body language in no time, he knows how to read them. They won't need to suggest or tell him to do anything.

→ P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Oh oh oh he loves to go slow and sensual by far ! He wants to see every single thrust he makes unto his partner reveal on their face. 

And on the contrary, he loves it to be slow and sensual when he's on the receiving end, too. He wants to feel everything. 

Don't get me wrong, the also loves it rough both ways as well, but to feel the most connection with his lover/partner, slow and sensual is the way to go. Though sometimes he just wants to go hard and fast, feral as fuck, to breed and be bred. 

→ Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

As stated before, he likes his lovemaking like one cooks a stew—low and slow. He prefers to take his time, but boy howdy it would be mighty difficult for him to decline a quickie. More than capable of achieving it, especially if he's been teased beforehand. That way, by the time the clothes come off, he's already hard, baby! 

The best quickies are when he and/or his partner have somewhere to be soon, but they neeeeed to get it out now; he looks so good; they can't stop thinking about it; etc. until they're basically blocking the front door. He may huff and puff but secretly, he likes the game 😉

→ R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Very open-minded, willing to try just about anything once. His partner's pleasure is his priority, so if they're super into something or want to experiment, he's all for it.

Not much of a risk taker nowadays, unless he knows it'll pay off (or if he thinks it's worth it). Many, many moons ago he would've been riskier, and every so often that side of him will come back out should the stars align. 

→ S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

It depends. He's still got lots of endurance in him, but the whole ‘aging’ thing is creeping up on him. He can go a few rounds, but his refractory period is a bit longer now than it was 20+ years ago. 

But, get him riled up enough, and through sheer force of lust he might even be ready again before his partner is. 

He likes to cum at least once before stickin’ it in—giving or receiving—because he will last longer that way. Not that he would cum instantly, but it has happened before (cough the first time he and his partner had sex together cough)

→ T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He may have a toy or two for penetrating himself, but largely he just gets himself off with his hand, especially after being exiled from Elturel. I don't think his toys were a priority to take with him. But hey, you never know. 

If his partner has a toy, he's willing to try it out if suggested to him, especially if the relationship is matured and could use some ‘newness’. He's very open-minded, especially if it's something his partner is already into.

→ U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He isn't naturally a tease unless he gets riled up. Then at that point, it's payback, i.e. if his partner rubs their ass up against his groin in public, then best believe he'll be taking notes and um…. ‘review’ them later in the bedroom. 

It wouldn't be impossible for him to tease, though, he likes the cat-and-mouse game and likes to switch it up sometimes. His payback for teasing him earlier would probably be when his partner is tending to household chores. Especially something like cooking, where they can't just walk away from a roux they've spent the past 15 minutes continuously stirring.

→ V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Not very loud, but he does make more noise the more turned on and (at times) feral he is. If his lover is very vocal and loud, they won't hear him very well. 

Makes a lot of grunts, growls, anything guttural and throaty, really. Including—if the other party can get him to speak it—Infernal. He'll mutter some Infernal curses every so often, but to actually speak it? He has to be in a specific headspace.

→ W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Following up from above, I like to headcanon the more Infernal he speaks, the more wild and unhinged he gets, and vice-versa. His “lizard brain” (fiendish brain?) tendencies come out and override his otherwise natural behaviors: goes hard and fast, chasing his own high, clawing, biting, tail thrashing around if it isn't already tightly coiled around a leg (or other body part 👀), etc. 

As a bonus I also have been thinking more of the headcanon that tieflings have succubus/incubus spittle (only when very aroused) and uh… yeah. Talk about a whole new layer of arousal and connection for our Hellrider. Hoo lordy /fans self

→ X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He's in fantastic shape. Being a military commander is one thing, but in a cavalry? Where one has to wield a weapon, shield, and/or flag while on horseback? Lord have mercy. He won't be ripped to shreds or jacked as hell, but his muscles are firm and well-toned. 

In addition, lots of scars. Even if much of the city guard stayed within city limits where crime was low and they didn't have to do much of anything, Zevlor always preferred to be out in Elturgard and fighting threats head-on. Because of this, he's got his fair share of past battles decorating his skin. 

→ Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

So there's a whole lot of layers to that onion of a headcanon I don't want to get into here, but once he knows he has a partner or lover he can go to for sex, best believe he'll be taking them up on that. Pre- or post-exile, he'll have plenty of stress to let out. Sparring and training can only alleviate so much. 

But once he's in an established relationship, it's much more of a sharing-of-pleasure-and-uniting-as-one kind of thing. It means a lot to him to copulate with his partner. He strives for connection in all ways, and sex is certainly no exception.

→ Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

I am so sorry you have to hear it from me but at his age? He's falling asleep immediately. Once he's had his fill (hehe), it's lights out quicker than you can say “That was amazing.” But! The more he's turned on, he'll go for more rounds obviously. Though once he's at his limit? Good night, see you in the morning. 

———

If you made it this far congrats! Also I encourage you to fill out this alphabet too, for Zevlor or whoever!

[lavendertales]

SEÑORITA: Chapter 3

pairing: Javier Peña x Murphy!f!reader

summary: dinner at Steve & Connie's new apartment goes a little south as tension runs high between you and your brother—as well as between you and Javier.

word count: 4.4k

series warnings: reluctant friends to lovers, lots of playful banter, mutual pining, slow burn, secret relationship, filthy smut.

series masterlist | AO3

Javier had underestimated New York by all accounts. He knew it was a huge city, but the nickname “the city that never sleeps” somehow evaded him till he actually moved in here a few weeks ago. The constant lights, people everywhere, the noise… it all contributed to unwelcomed flashbacks for Javier, which meant that some nights he laid wide awake in his bed, too afraid to close his eyes.

He doesn’t want to see the bodies of those he had failed.

So instead, he thinks of Steve and Connie and their daughter, starting out fresh in the United States like Colombia’s hell hadn’t followed them, like it doesn’t still haunt them. He thinks of how they’re a family, united through love and support, and he thinks of you.

Rather, he thinks of your strained relationship with Steve, and he grimaces.

Javier tries to imagine a younger Steve being bossed around by his little sister and surprisingly, he has to suppress a chuckle. Quite a funny imagery, Javier decides as he roams around his kitchen at the crack of dawn, scrambling to make some toast and a cup of black coffee. It grows even funnier when he recalls Steve’s exact words about you: “growing up, even if she’s my little sister, she’s the one who bullied me”.

The smile that breaks from his lips remains amused for a little while as his dry breakfast is in the making. It only fades when his thoughts go into a rather surprising—and frankly forbidden area.

Though he begs his mind to oblige to basic commands and envision other things, Javier still falls victim to thoughts of you exchanging glares with so-called bad boys, batting your eyelashes at them and smiling, revealing enough cleavage only to tease, never to give the full taste.

And when he remembers that you live right below him, probably still asleep at this early hour, Javier clears his throat and takes the first bite of toast. He swallows with difficulty, even more so as he recalls the way your hand practically slid inside his pants, hectic and yet so calculated, with cat-like precision and without a care in the world as to how or if that may affect him.

Stop, he shushes his spinning mind.

He reckons this is happening because… well… it’s been a while. Fourteen months, to be exact. Last he shared some intimacy with someone was back in Cali with Gabriella, and it had been, as usual, something quick to take the edge off and satiate the body’s primal need, and they both called it a night. Then things went a bit south and next thing he knew, he packed up his things and returned to his pop’s ranch. And upon his pop’s repeated request, he spoke with Steve and they both agreed on taking this job in New York.

It’s unusual for Javier to be celibate for this long, but in the past year he’s come to realize that all of his encounters with women, while direct and straight to the point, have been meaningless—almost. It was never about having a relationship in the midst of a drug war; that much was clear from the get-go. And Javier never let any of the women he’d seen believe otherwise, less so himself. He wasn’t foolish enough to hope or even want a relationship, not after the things he’d seen and not after almost getting married for all the wrong reasons.

Almost. The word seems to haunt him as much as Colombia itself does.

He’s still not convinced he’d be a good partner to someone. So perhaps celibacy might be good for him. He could take this time to reflect more on himself and grow as a better man. He doesn’t really mind it, though.

When he’s getting in Steve’s car at 7 am sharp, he’s in a good, clear headspace. Especially because he’d hate to have his best friend know that he was thinking of his little sister less than an hour ago. Hell, even Javier doesn’t want to think about that.

But there’s no harm to wonder about someone, right? His thoughts hadn’t been depraved or resembling interest. He was simply being curious about who you are as a person.

“You doing okay today?” Steve asks.

“Peachy. Why?”

“I don’t know. You seem kinda deep in thought.”

“Didn’t get enough sleep to be buried deep in thoughts.”

Steve chuckles, focused on the road. “How’s my sister doin’?”

“The fuck you askin’ me about your sister, how should I know?”

“I figured since you live in the same building you guys see each other on the daily.”

Javier immediately shakes his head, exhausted already from the conversation.

“Don’t do this, man,” he warns Steve. “Don’t even think about it.”

“About what? I didn’t insinuate anything.”

“You were about to. I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it. I got no plans to mess with your sister and she’s not even the kind of girl I’d date. I’m steering clear of her, and we both got lives of our own, different schedules.”

“It’s all cool. I just figured you spoke more with her.”

Javier frowns. “You haven’t talked to her lately?”

“No, no, we have. Just… I don’t know, I guess I just assumed things would naturally pick up between us.”

“It’s not gonna be magically okay between you two. It’s been years, and it takes effort and time. But I’m sure you’ll—patch things up.”

“Thanks, man. Sorry if I seemed suspicious.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it.”

Steve falters and Javier does take notice, but he doesn’t give him a hard time about it.

“Speaking of patching things up… our apartment’s ready, so Connie suggested we invite you both to dinner.”

“Sounds nice. When?”

“How about tonight?”

“Uh—yeah, sure.”

“Can you tell my sister too? Since—you know, you live in the same—“

“Why don’t you tell her yourself? Just call her and invite her.”

As he glances to the driver’s seat, Javier finally notices how nervous his friend looks.

“Why are you nervous?” he asks Steve. “You’re siblings for fuck’s sake.”

To which his friend shrugs, letting a heavy sigh along with it. “I did some mistakes in the past trying to look after her and I… I want us to be friends again.”

“I don’t think removing any male presence from her life is the solution.”

“Probably isn’t, yeah.”

“Probably?”

Both burst into laughter right as Steve parks in front of the precinct.

“You know I don’t actually think all that shit about you,” he tells Javier. “That you’re a womanizer and you mess with every woman you meet. I know you never mistreated any of the girls you were seeing, in any sort of way, and I know you wouldn’t do that to my sister.”

“I wouldn’t. That is, you know, if I’d actually date your sister. Which I won’t.”

“Yeah I know, she’s far from the women you normally—see.”

Javier unknowingly holds his breath, then releases it slowly and steadily, as to not give away the fact that the mention of dating and you in the same sentence requires deep breaths. It shouldn’t, really, but somehow knowing that Steve kindly asked him to stay away from his flesh and blood…

Yeah, maybe some deep breaths are required in order to forget the fact that he thought of you bright and early this morning, handling him like he was nothing but a piece of clay.

But his thoughts weren’t depraved to begin with, so he’s safe. It was simple curiosity.

“So tonight, what time?” Javier inquires instead.

“Seven.”

“Alright.”

Javier gets through the day’s tasks with little to no exertion. He keeps quieter than usual, which luckily none of his colleagues or superiors notice because no one’s taking the time to know anyone personally, and today he is grateful for that.

So for the rest of the day he wonders about the kind of atmosphere that will await him once he sets foot inside Steve and Connie’s apartment. He knows them together and separately, and he vaguely knows you, but he has no clue what to expect from being under the same roof as the three of you. And frankly, he’s not really sure what to expect out of you, either. Probably just—the unexpected. He’s had a basic, mere taste of what you are like and you seem like a lot to handle. Combined with Steve’s obsessive need to be protective over you?

Yeah, tonight should be fun as hell.

He buys a bottle of white wine regardless and rings the door at the freshly renovated apartment at 7:07 p.m. Steve opens the door, smiling rather cordially than out of friendliness, so Javier’s eyes shot straight to Olivia cooing in his arms.

“Fair warning, Connie’s all wired because of tonight,” he mutters. “So if you hear some sharp commands… don’t question it.”

“It’s just a housewarming dinner.”

“Yeah… I wouldn’t tell that to her. Come on in.”

Javier stifles a mocking sound, so he playfully pinches Olivia’s little elbow instead, to which she giggles and hides in Steve’s shoulder.

“See? All the girls are into you,” Steve jokes.

“Come on, Murphy.”

“Just kidding!”

The smell of warm food swathes Javier, more so when he walks into the kitchen, cautiously looking around so as to not startle Connie. He notices her by the counter, frantically stirring something that looks like a salad.

“Smells delicious, Con.”

She turns almost violently fast, her face lighting up when she meets Javier’s benevolent face. Then she goes in for a hug, her eyes landing on the bottle of wine in his large hand.

“I’m so glad you made it!” she smiles. “And whoa, that is quite an expensive bottle of wine, isn’t it?”

“Uh—medium.”

“I hope lasagna is okay. Homemade from scratch—“

“Connie, relax. It smells delicious, and I bet it’ll be even more delicious.”

Connie’s smile widens and Javier can easily read relief on her face. “By the way, you know Steve’s sister is coming too, don’t you?”

“Yeah, Steve told me. Looking forward to the family dynamic you guys got going on. Sure that’ll be fun.”

Connie snorts. “Well. The Murphy siblings are quite something, let me tell you that. Their relationship has been rocky for years, since she went out to college, but Steve’s been trying to reconnect, and I think tonight can be a good step forward.”

“Kind of feels like I’m intruding then.”

“Don’t worry about it. You know we consider you part of our family. You’re Olivia’s uncle.”

“Well I’m his aunt, and I’m not sure I’m into whatever vibe’s been pushed onto the two of us then.”

Both Javier and Connie turn towards you, each smiling in your direction, though you sense warmth and love from your sister-in-law and nothing but mere politeness from Javier. Which makes sense, given how you’re practically strangers and you seem to have nothing in common.

“Hi,” you smile at him, too wide for Javier’s own taste.

“Hola señorita,” he nods.

You can’t help the sound that leaves your throat, a rather mocking sound. “Why do you do that?” you ask.

“Do what?”

“The thing where you greet me with your ‘come and get it’ voice, all sultry and in Spanish too. Do you greet all the ladies like that?”

Javier frowns. “I don’t have a ‘come and get’—what?”

But then he hears Connie’s stifled chuckle and he redirects his frown towards her.

“You do kind of have that voice that’s meant to be… persuasive with the ladies.”

“I don’t—shut up.”

He places the wine bottle on the countertop then settles in the living room. Not a moment too late, Steve makes his appearance, crashing on the couch next to him.

“Alright, Olivia should be down for a couple of hours at least, but that remains to be seen,” he jokes.

“Your sister’s a real tough nut.”

“You ain’t gotta tell me. What she do?”

“Said I have a ‘come and get it’ voice.”

Steve lets out a hearty laugh, a sound Javier hasn’t heard before. Though he doesn’t reciprocate and merely frowns in his friend’s direction, he can’t help but appreciate seeing him happy. Even if it is at Javier’s expense.

“You do,” Steve agrees after a while. “You do have that kind of voice.”

“How the hell would you know?”

“Jav, I’ve seen you at work countless times. Even walked in on you once while you and Helena were—“

“Don’t bring that up again.”

“Sorry. But why are you pouting about this anyway? Never seen you react like this cause of somethin’ a girl said. A girl like my sister, no less.”

Javier remains quiet. Why did he pout and walk away while you and Connie remained engaged in conversation in the kitchen? It is unlike him, Steve got that right; he’d never feel in any way, shape or form small because of a woman, and even if he could be hurt by a woman, he wouldn’t let it show. Not that it is a conscious choice, but rather another bizarre coping mechanism of his.

Yet it seems that you calling him out on his polite manner of greeting is causing his body to react in unusual ways.

Huh.

“What are you two girls gossiping about?” your voice reaches the living room and Javier instantly stiffens, but he still gets up from the couch and helps Connie set the table, steering clear away from you.

Which you notice. Of course you notice.

“I’m not gonna bite, you know?” you address him directly.

Connie’s eyes follow the two of you intently as you stare at each other from opposite sides of the table. She doesn’t say a word; she can only steal curious glances.

“Unless you’re into that, which… mea culpa, I can get into that too,” you smile mischievously, and Javier fights off the mental image of you leaving bite marks over his neck.

Calm the fuck down, Peña. This is just the dry spell talking.

The more he looks at you, as quickly as humanly possible, and the more he listens to you, the more he acknowledges that yes, you are far from his type.

Which couldn’t be more of a great thing.

“You two sound like an old couple with all this back and forth,” Steve says, laying the lasagna tray right in the middle of the table and makes a face.

“Not sure I’d be up for that challenge. And that’s coming from me.”

“Please! You couldn’t stop talking about marrying Derek, that guy you dated when you got into college. Marrying a bad boy was like your lifelong dream.”

You chuckle, taking a seat in front of Javier as he pours you and Connie some wine.

“That was definitely not my life’s dream,” you smile. “But since you wanna spill tea about the past in front of our guest—“

“You got nothing on me.”

Your smile turns into a rather devious smirk, and Javier can’t help but notice just how well you can match your big brother’s energy, how well you are prepared to handle anything he throws at you.

Resilience. Strength. He admires that.

“Oh yeah?” you cock an eyebrow at your brother, then immediately face Javier and focus all of your attention on him. “Get this: when Steven and Connie started dating, it was all very much textbook romance. The honeymoon stage was all honey and sugar. Every song was about them, every poem was about them. Which meant, naturally, that they were going at it every chance they got, on every surface they could find.”

“Sure,” Javier nods.

“We weren’t really like that,” Connie intervenes softly.

But you raise your hand, dismissing her, and continue. “One day, I stop by Steven’s place and I notice there’s clothes everywhere. I think to myself, ‘must’ve been a wild night, good for them’ because I’m genuinely happy for my brother and I really like his new girlfriend, right? Wrong.”

“Please don’t say it,” Steve begs.

“I make my way to the kitchen, when suddenly I feel something soft and rather moist against my foot.”

“You’re saying it.”

“I look down, and I realize I stepped on a condom.”

“Was it—?”

“That’s right, Javier. I stepped on my big brother’s used condom.”

Javier does everything in his power to not laugh, so he munches on a big piece of lasagna and salad. He washes it all down with a sip of wine, noticing Connie hiding her face in her palms and Steve rubbing his temples and staring into the distance.

“What did I do to you that you had to tell that story?!” Steve exclaims.

“You laughed at my lifelong dream. Which by the way, does not revolve around marriage. And certainly not marrying a bad boy or anything related to that. No offense, Javier.”

“None taken till… just now.”

“Is this about the stupid Star Wars disagreement again?”

Javier’s frown deepens, looking at Connie for some sort of information, yet nothing is readable on her face except an expression that resembles a big “oh shit”.

“’Disagreement’?” you repeat incredulously.

“You guys fought over Star Wars?” Javier surprises himself asking out loud.

“It’s not like that,” Steve says.

“I used to write fanfiction, specifically for Star Wars,” you clarify, your tone bitter now. “That’s how I got started with writing. I love books and reading and… I love writing. That’s why I work at the library.”

“A lot of people get their start through fanfiction, I think it’s great,” Connie adds in what feels like a futile attempt to dissolve some of the tension.

But it’s increasingly clear that the relationship between you and Steve carries more than tension from some silly arguments and some bickering. It runs deeper than what he imagined on his way here, and suddenly he feels guilty for being in the middle.

“I still don’t see the point of it, I’m sorry,” Steve mutters.

“Of course you don’t.”

“Steve.”

“No, I really don’t mean to insult or hurt you, you know that. It’s just… to me, I’m just wondering what the point in writing for a story that’s already been written is?”

You feel anger bubbling at the surface, barely protruding your skin, and yet it simmers dangerously close to your breaking point. You do not want to make a scene, not at this housewarming dinner that Connie worked hard to organize, and not in front of someone who’s practically a stranger.

“The point is creativity, expressing your own thoughts and emotions through words,” you say through clenched teeth. “Even if it is an existing story. You can build within it so that it remains unique and faithful to the material.”

“I’m not the bad guy here, sis. I swear I’m not trying to—“

“It’s not about what you’re trying to do, it’s about what you are doing. And you’re being a dick right now. Excuse me.”

You take a large sip of wine on your way out of the living room, hoping nobody follows you in your pursuit to the bathroom. Yet somehow you end up in a bedroom, presumably Steve and Connie’s judging by the framed picture of them and Olivia on the nightstand. You exhale loudly, closing your eyes and taking a moment to yourself.

You know Steve doesn’t want to hurt you. The opposite, really: everything he’s ever done, the reason why he always pushed so hard and pressured and became annoying was because he wanted to protect you in the first place. He loves you and wanted nothing more but to make sure you were safe. You know that.

But right now, you feel like you’re seventeen again, crying in anger, begging your family to just notice you and understand that you are not some freak for being on the quiet side, and the frustration that comes along with the sentiment is nearly debilitating.

A knock on the door startles you, and you roll your eyes. “Not in the mood, Steven. Gimme another two minutes, maybe I’ll conjure a smile then.”

“It’s Javier. Can I come in?”

You’re met with his face, poorly lit, and you nod. He reluctantly sits next to you on the bed, hands intertwined together between his legs. He’s clearly feeling a little awkward, but not too much since he followed you in here.

“You okay?” he asks.

You snort. “Do you really care?”

“I’m not a heartless monster, so… yeah, I guess. Besides the silence at the table is… a killer. Even Olivia’s more talkative. Pretty sure Connie’s laying it onto Steve right about now.”

“I pray you don’t mean physically.”

“Sure as hell hope not.”

You both chuckle, so soft and silent it could go unnoticed by the untrained ear.

“Anyway,” Javier resumes whilst clearing his throat as if what he’s about to say is painful, “I think it’s cool you wrote for Star Wars.”

“I take it you’re a fan?”

“Big time.”

“So… you don’t think my writing is a waste of time?”

“If it’s what you love to do, it never is a waste of time.”

Baffled, you turn towards him. “Watch it, Peña. I might start thinking you’re a good guy after all and so I could spend my time with you.”

“We wouldn’t want that, would we?”

“Definitely not. I’m avoiding you like the plague.”

Javier smiles, looking away from you. You’re witty and got a sharp tongue, but you are still not his type. Even so, you’re not that terrible to joke around with.

“I’m sure you’re a good writer though,” he says, and he’s shocked at his own honesty.

“Thank you for the vote of confidence. Would you mind telling that to my brother?”

“There are few things I actually mind telling him straight to his face.”

You both laugh, just when Connie knocks on the door, eyes locked on your figure. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you exhale, and this time it’s with relief. “Shockingly, Peña calmed me down. Where’s Steven?”

“Sent him outside to cool down. Don’t let him know you guys were alone in here.”

“Why?” Javier inquires.

“I think he thinks that… well… given your tumultuous past and your well-known reputation with the ladies…”

A laughter escapes your throat, rich and sardonic. “He thinks we’re gonna fuck with the first chance we get?” you keep laughing. “Is that how little faith he has in his best friend and his flesh and blood? Motherfucker.”

Connie coos your name, though you it doesn’t really register with you.

“Also, ‘tumultuous past’, seriously? He can call it what it is. I was smoking, drinking, and hanging out with the baddest boys I could find to teach my parents and my big brother a valuable lesson. Lesson that I see has passed by all three of them.”

“Con, I made a promise to a friend. And I intend to keep it. Besides, she’s really not my type, so neither one of you has to worry.”

You shift closer to Javier. “Oh, you mean you don’t find me available and with no standards?”

“See?” Javier smiles, though evidently a little riled up. “We’re fine.”

“O-kay.”

“I should go. Thanks for dinner, Con, it was very nice. The food, cause what followed was…”

“Yeah. Let me walk you out.”

“It’s okay. I’ll see myself out.”

You watch Javier disappear out the frame, your eyes lingering in the doorway one second too long. You’re very appreciative of the way he came in to comfort you, even if he did so rather clumsily. Maybe he’s not good with words. Or maybe he’s not used to comforting women.

Not in this way, at least.

Then you feel Connie’s gaze on you, burning you alive with questions she doesn’t dare ask, and you feel defensive. “What?”

“All the teasing? Him immediately coming to check on you? Comforting you? Plus, the eyes at the table…”

“What eyes? We’re neighbors, barely acquaintances. You’re reading way into it, Connie.”

She raises her arms in defense. “I’m just saying, for a moment there it seemed like you were interested in each other.”

You tsk disapprovingly. “You heard the man, I am definitely not his type.”

“What about him? Is he your type?”

“Connie. Sweetheart. He’s the walking poster for a bad boy. Inconspicuous past, questionable morals and definitely traumatized. While this was exactly what sixteen year old me would’ve swooned over, as sexy as all of that sounds and as attractive as I’d find him, because I’d be lying if I’d say I don’t… no, thank you. Grown me is more mindful of what—or whom—she puts inside her body.”

“Look, I’m not sure what Steve told you about him, but they’re friends for a reason. Not just cause they were partners in the DEA but Javi’s a really good guy. He might’ve done some questionable things back in Colombia, but so did Steve. They did what they had to do to survive and do their jobs, and Javi is actually a very caring person. He just doesn’t like showing it often.”

You rummage through Connie’s words, breaking down each and every single one of them so as to construct a better image of the man that is Javier Peña: a good, honorable man and friend, charming devil to the ladies, but always honest and upfront despite the wall of solitude and grumpiness he puts forth.

Yep. A walking poster for bad boys.

Even worse.

A former bad boy who’s learned from his mistakes and now wants to do better.

“I understand what you’re saying, but you don’t have to sell Javier’s reputation to me. I am not interested,” you reply absentmindedly.

“Alright, suit yourself. But it’s too bad. I think this could be something great for both of you.”

Again you tsk, this time more stubbornly, and you agree to return to the living room and have another glass of wine while you think of how comforted you felt in the presence of whom you could only describe as the most attractive stranger you have ever seen.

previous | next

tags: @pedrostories @milkymoon2483 @ifall4dilfs @psychedelic-ink @casa-boiardi

[wisteriagoesvroom]

hello 😁 was wondering if u had any snippets u would like to share on this lovely day 🤲

lovely anon thank you for asking! feels like i’ve posted a lot of snippets lately but you made me go dig around, so here’s a lestappen one:

————

Charles shifts on his side of the bed and props himself up on his elbow. He looks excited. Max knows this is not always a good sign.

“I saw this thing on Twitter—” Charles says.

“You are on there too much.”

“I know, but let a celibate man have his indulgence, oui?”

“Celibate.” Max mutters, knowing what they do together is nothing of the sort.

“We are basically monks now. Besides the sex, obviously. And anyway, you are distracting me from the point. It is an exercise. Getting to know each other better, this type of thing.”

“Okay. And?”

“It is a list of questions to ask each other. But for now I only want to ask one.”

“Zeg eens.”

Charles looks very serious suddenly. Eyes big like dinner plates. Max quite likes when Charles is like this. Like a dog with a bone. He would make a good hunting dog, Max thinks. But a friendly one. One that would run the pack down and exhaust himself until the thing gets done. The Scuderia is his herd, in a way. Always an errant sheep to be chased, but he knows Charles likes his purpose, likes doing his job, even if the WDC continues to elude him. Max knows, because he has been there before too, chasing and chasing until his dream was fulfilled. That was before he knew there was another dream he wanted, close to his grasp. A dream he now has in his hands, lucid and real and touchable in his own bed. Whether it is more complicated because Max is the obstacle to Charles’s WDC is a problem for another time.

Charles leans in, engulfing the view in front of Max. “You must answer this honestly, yes?”

“Sure.”

“What are you afraid of?”

————

[carnivoraformes]

//OKAY BUT I AM NOT EVEN JOKING OR TRYING TO BE IRONIC WHEN I SAY THIS: But if anyone wanted to know where Jing Yuan's head is at at any point in his life all they would have to do is pay attention to his sexual preferences and knowledge of his own sexuality and his own willingness for experimentation with sex.

And before anyone yells at me, no he isn't a sex driven dog. His feelings towards sex and what he likes/wants/needs fluctuated over time and directly mirror where he was mentally. It's just that he likes to hide behind the lazy genius attitude in every other part of his life to keep people from really looking deeper into him and his own thoughts and feelings.

It's partly so no one ever stops to wonder how he is doing because emotional vulnerability from the perspective of not only a boy that became a man but Jingliu's student was an incredibly daunting thing for him. By the time he became comfortable with it he couldn't let the mask slip because he had hundreds of thousands of lives in his hands.

That said two things remained consistent about his life:

Being absolutely lazy.

Always going out of his way to not talk about his own feelings and fears.

"Teen years"/Training years: He was a teenage boy. He was both smart and stupid at the same time. Mostly stupid. Next.

Adult Years In The Quintet: He thought he had wanted to a long term partner, and was vaguely becoming aware that he fell on the bisexual/pansexual spectrum. He understood he was sexually attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender and was busy meeting people.

But at this point he had yet to learn that sacrificing his own happiness to be with a person was not worth it.

This was about the time when he ended up in several polyamorous and open relationships with various people because those he had surrounded himself outside of the quintet were doing it and he thought because they wanted it he was supposed to to.

He wasn't happy but he had deluded himself into believing he was and nothing anyone with way more experience with relationships could have changed his mind. He deluded himself into believing his own discomfort and insecurities were just him being dramatic and selfish.

And that translating to him believing his own feelings both in and outside of his romantic relationships didn't really matter.

End Of The Quintet: After the quintet fell apart, so did he. He effectively lost some of the closest ties he had and as a result he became almost emotionally numb. This lasted for years with him just not being able to form emotional ties with people and those relationships he had he mostly neglected outside of the relationship with his immediate family, because he believed he was being selfish by being so broken about it.

Naturally that entailed him refusing to talk about it with anyone outside of what would be considered polite or was mission necessary.

This actually ended up making him very sex averse, his mind before hand believing sex = romantic relationship = emotional intimacy = literally caring about another person and because he was so closed to off to having personal relationships (romantic and platonic) at the time the idea of sex made him anxious, sometimes to the point of feeling sick.

Roughly A Decade After The Disbanding of the Quintet: EVENTUALLY he managed to process why he was so put off by sex (but not why he was so emotionally numb) and not wanting to remain celibate for the rest of his life because of something he knew should have been totally unrelated to why he was feeling the way he was he kind of eased back into one night stands and the like.

After that he somehow ended up going from one end of the spectrum to the other as a means of coping with the other myriad of feelings he didn't want to think about by experimenting with all kinds of sexual acts.

This was about the point in his life when he was basically open to try everything at least once (and I do mean everything) when it came to sex. It during this time he realized that he was far more open minded than he ever realized.

Side fact: He actually learned so much about the the anatomy of humans, foxians and long lived species through his own sexual exploration. He can't necessarily use alot of this information anymore but he knows them.

Decades After The Disbanding of the Quintet:

Eventually after being around so many people in the various 'sexual deviant' communities he began to make friends and finding people that he formed bonds with. He never really got as close to most of these people as he did to the people he met as part of the Quintet but it did manage to get him on the right track.

After a long time he did end up in romantic relationships here and there but as he was working through his own thoughts he learned more about himself and what he wanted.

He still had a few one night stands and plenty of friends with benefits but eventually he drifted away from many of those people as he began to get the mind set of a future general and for probably the first time in his life he started actually to become genuinely confident in himself, which led to him being confident enough to be upfront with others about what he did and did not want.

After that he started having no problem cutting ties with anyone that didn't want the same things he did or couldn't handle his priorities.

Becoming The General To Current Time: During his early years he dove hard into being a General and it consumed so much of his time that very few personal relationships managed to last. In time though he learned how to lead far more effectively leaving him much more time to form bonds with others and it showed in his occasional flings and a few long term relationships but mostly by how he became known mostly for being lazy.

He kept that up for centuries until Yanqing came around and caring for Yanqing took up so much of his time that being with anyone just kind of fell to the backburner until Yanqing was old enough to be shooed off for a couple hours for him to have a quick tryst with someone then go back to be the general and Yanqing's mentor.

To the right person he would admit ever since Yanqing came around he never really had any serious romantic relationships, simply trysts and the like and he was satisfied with that because being the general and a surrogate father made him happier than he had been in a long time.

[ashes-writing]

Are you doing the full alphabet for characters? If nobody has asked for it can you do the filth alphabet for Tim Speedle? It's just so nice that somebody on here writes for him ❤️🥰Thank you for doing these!!

taglist babes || req rules / fandoms+characters || send ?s || masterlist

Warnings;

Minors, I thinketh the fuck not. This content is 18+ only. Dacryphilia, breeding kink, size kink, bondage/choking/biting - rough sex, voice kink, angry sex, talk of dick size, body fluids, sex position, soft!dom, brat tamer, praise kink, hair pulling, risky sex, sex toys, the usual you find in these things, hehe.

Taglist;

@beardedbarba @calmcoast @justmeandanoverdrive @louderfortheback are the only people on my CSI taglist. If you'd like to be on it, click the lil link up top, please and thanks?

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

.... This man is aftercare king. He's cuddly as hell, will pull you on top of him and just like... hold you and play with your hair and his sleepy voice is god tier, alrighty? God tier. If he's been a little rough with you he's making sure you're okay, he's full of praise and he's kissing all over you. And post-sex showers or baths with him are just ughhh. I'm down bad, your honor.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

.... I feel like he's a lips / eyes / thighs kind of man. He loves those parts on you. I mean, he loves boobs, don't get me wrong but he really, really really loves a good pair of thick thighs. Lips and eyes are the first parts he notices by default and sometimes he's staring like an idiot, it's cute. So fuckin cute.

.... I feel like his sarcastic answer to this would be his mind followed by "What? Don't objectify me, damn it." but it's totally his hands because he knows what to do with them and he loves how just a few little touches will make you come undone.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

.... Loves a good messy blow job. Loves to look down at you and see you tearing up with drool and his cum glistening on your pretty little lips. He's got a hand all tangled up in your hair, ughhh. Again, I'm down bad, your honor. Baaad.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

.... He's into photography, IIRC. He likes to take pictures of you all spread out and bare naked and he keeps them hidden either on his person or in the drawer of his desk / nightstand. His most favorite one of all is a picture that he took while you were having an orgasm. It's not as 'dirty' as the others but there's this fucked out daze in your eyes, you're teared up, your mouth is hanging open a lil and there are hickies all over your neck and throat. His second favorite one is a picture he took of his hand covering your tit / at your throat.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

.... He hasn't been around the block a few times like Eric and he's not damn near celibate like Ryan when he's not in a relationship, but he does know exactly what he's doing. Because he's observant as hell, so he's listening to those little noises you make that he likes so much and he's watching the way your eyes flutter open/closed or almost roll back in your head and he'll do whatever he was doing that made you like this even more.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

The Face Off. Where you're sitting in his lap and he can look into your eyes, hold your hips / grab your tits, kiss you and leave marks and bites on your neck and throat. He loves to see the exact second you come undone for him.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

.... I feel like this is situational with him. He can be serious and oh so romantic -insert dreamy sigh here, but there are times when you bump noses or he nearly falls over trying to shed his jeans or your teeth bump during a kiss where he can't help but crack jokes.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

.... he's not immaculate, but he's not a wild mess either. Given that his hair is dark the hair down there is just as dark, maybe darker. He's decently groomed.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

.... He is so intimate, always gentle and touching and kissing and praising. "Y' doin so good for me, sweetheart. Takin me so"... groaning "Fuckin good, baby." and he's always staring at you, he loves to look at you and he loves you and you can see it with the adoration in his eyes.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

.... He likes to edge himself until he's about to explode. He loves the way it feels when he finally allows himself release. He's jacked off into a pair of your panties before. You've walked in on him jacking off and you let him throat-fuck you and he went feral, going back so far that when he came it slid back down your throat.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Dacryphilia -you're so fucking pretty when you're looking up at him with teary eyes as you gag on him or he's teasing you until you're sensitive and begging him to fuck you or stop teasing. Choking and biting / rough sex on occasion, he loves it. Praise kink, giving and getting with more of a lean towards giving, overstimulation, spanking, light bondage, he's a soft!dom ya'll can fight if you want but facts -i lowkey feel he's got a bit of brat tamer to him, like he thinks it's cute, he really does but he also knows when you're just doing it for attention and thus you get the attention, holy shit, size kink -he loves to watch you take every inch and even more so when he can see the way his cock pushes against your abdomen from the inside, i feel like he's the kind of guy who will push his cum back inside of you so lowkey breeding kink... He's got a voice kink, he loves accents / soft and sultry, dreamlike voices, He loves having his hair pulled / being bitten or scratched in the heat of the moment so lowkey pain kink also.. Being called sir -you will get railed immediately. Edging, oh my god.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

.... on his motorcycle, in the bed, against the wall, on the kitchen table, in the shower...

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

.... kissing his neck, pulling him closer by the belt loop on his pants, when you can't keep your hands off him, arguing sometimes gets him hot and bothered, playing with his cock / rubbing his cock, sitting in his lap, seeing you naked...

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He's not going to do anything that doesn't feel consensual. He's not into being called daddy either, i don't think. I used to think he was but my opinion has changed. He's not into doing it right out in public with an audience. Piss kinks are not his thing.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

This man can stay between your legs for hours and he's damn good at it too. He will not stop til you're shaking and begging him to and he might not stop then, he'll coax one more out of you. He prefers to give, tbh.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

.... He prefers it to be slow and sensual and he will tease / initiate foreplay at odd times during the day just to get you all worked up real nice. He can however, be slow and rough, esp if this is after an argument sex.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

.... They're alright, but he prefers to take his time. They happen most of the time when he's rushing out the door an so are you but oops, he saw you walking around naked to look for clothes and now he's got you bent over the bed with a fist in your hair and a hand at your throat...

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

.... His biggest risk is doing it in like... the garage of his apartment in the backseat of your car. Or going somewhere private on the ducati and getting it on. He's willing to experiment, but he's also not a big risk taker.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

.... It honestly all depends. I'm gonna say he's good for at least two, with breaks in between (foreplay time), and he can last a good two hours or so, depending on how much teasing is done and how close he lets himself get during said teasing.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

.... A lil bullet vibrator controlled by bluetooth and a phone app. He'll get you to wear it when you're out somewhere together and he'll spontaneously jack up the speed / frequency only to slow it right back down. When he's getting ready to leave and go home, he'll really turn it up and smirk as you try not to moan and squirm.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

.... This man is such a tease omfg. He lives for it. He really does.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

husky groans and lots of swearing, breathless panting against your ear, nipping at your earlobe, saying your name over and over and over, praising you, telling you how good it feels to have his cock buried inside of you. He's noisy. But quietly.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

.... I feel like he's used his cuffs on a lover before. I also feel like he loves to pull hair when you're going down on him or he's taking you from behind. Says the filthiest things in the heat of the moment, seriously, it's shit you'd never imagine him saying.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

.... Average length BUT... he is thick. V.v thick. Veiny. I feel like the tip is a dark mauvey color and it's uncut.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

.... It's not super high but it is higher than most. Like... he's not gonna turn it down when it's offered.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

....He's gotta snuggle, so it'll take an hour or two of snuggling and kissing and touching you before he finally dozes off. It's sooo sweet too, like his eyes get all heavy lidded and he still has that fucked out look in his eyes, and his voice gets so much lower and huskier, ugh. I'm down horribly bad now, s2g.

[kaelsleftverdantsphere]

I was listening to congratulations from Hamilton on repeat a bit too much and this happened.

TW: Arthas is transphobic towards Kael in this one so beware

---

The two kings were standing in a room, it doesn't by any chance seem like an official meeting of the Lordaeronian and Thalassian royals. Kings usually don't suddenly pay visits to people without their personal guards and advisors present.

"You... Came?" The older looking one of the men spoke up when closing the door.

"Indubitably." Said the elf, slowly sitting down at the table.

"Why? I doubt you came here just to see me... you have your duties..."

"Well of course I did not come here just to see you, Arthas. I came here to talk to you about a pressing matter."

"What is it? If it couldn't be a letter, then you should start speaking immediatelly, Kael'thas." Arthas sat down at the opposite side of the table.

"Your queen sent me a letter."

"Truly? What did she say?"

"You weren't faithful, were you?"

"Kael, you can't be serious with this accusation-"

"I am absolutely serious, Arthas."

"Even if I weren't, what would be the issue? She doesn't even like me like that, does she."

"It hurts her, Arthas... She's been nothing but truthful to you your entire marriage... And it pains me to know she is hurting..."

"And what do you want me to do? To live in celibate because she doesn't like me?"

"You sound like a teenager..." Kael'thas scoffed. "It troubles me you can't do one thing correctly, Arthas..."

"And what would that thing be, Kael'thas?"

"Being a man-"

A sting of pain struck Arthas right in his chest. "Me? You think YOU of all people can talk to me of being a man?" He was shaking with slowly building anger.

"I am unsure of what you are refering to..." Kael'thas examined the other kings stance and frowned. "Are you mad at me? For calling your wrongs what they are?"

"You know nothing of being a man, Kael'thas. And you know nothing of me or my marriage." One of his hands was gripping the arm of his chair so hard he could basically feel his knuckles turning white. "I would advise you to leave, Keelia..."

"You shut your mouth, Arthas or I will shut it for you..." Kael'thas got up, walking around the table to Arthas. "I have lived as myself for longer than you have been alive. You will not mock who my father wanted me so badly to be..."

"You are mocking my whole existence, I'm only saying your name." Arthas grinned and stood up, looking down at the elf. "You have no right to judge my actions when all you do is whine about how boring Silvermoon is... you live for other people's drama and frankly, I won't provide more of it to you."

"I whine? Aren't you the one who sends me letters of your sad existence? Oh how pitiful those are..."

Arthas pushed him further away from himself. "I used to see you as a friend, Sunstrider..."

"I thought that was the case as well, Menethil... but turns out I must stand with your wife instead of with you." He took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm infront of the other royal. "Jaina told me your affair is talked about everywhere in Lordaeron... Just how do you want her to feel?"

"Just how do you want ME to feel when I never got to be myself the way you did..."

"You think I got to be myself the second I got out of the womb, you rat? Are you mad?" Kael's eyebrows shot up. "I was hiding for hundreds of years!"

"But that's nothing for you elves, isn't it? You have no idea what it's like to-"

"Arthas, why do you want to measure how much we've suffered?"

"Because I keep suffering! Jaina doesn't love me and I am not allowed to search for love elsewhere? Should I die unhappy and alone like your father to be a good man by your standards?"

"Take my father out of your mouth, you insufferable twat..."

"Why? Because he wasn't as wonderful as you want everyone to believe?"

"You think you're the one to talk?"

"He was never there for you, was he?" Arthas chuckled and grabbed the elf's chin. "Little sun was left with maids and teachers but missed her father all her life..."

Kael grabbed the other's arm and dug his long nails into it. "I will kill you, Arthas. I will not hesitate to-"

"Because I tell you the truth? You miss him, but not more than you missed him when he was still alive..." He let go of the elf's face and pushed him again.

"Your father never accepted you... you were never good enough, were you?" Kael spoke up louder than before, all the venom in his body going straight into the tone of his voice. "Never strong enough, never smart enough... And never straight enough..."

"You-"

"Never enough of a man for him... I guess that's a difference between us two, right... Your father wanted you to be a man while me being a man was my father's worst nightmare..."

"I was trying to be the best me for him..."

"I was trying to be the best me for him as well, Arthas... but that's not what we should be talking about right now..."

"You know nothing of how much it hurts to just be me..."

"And you have no idea how much it hurts to be me, Arthas... You have no clue how hard my life was and how much harder it got the second I picked up the crown..."

"The best day of my life was the day my father died, Sunstrider... And every day since then has gotten worse and worse onward..."

"It's not like you are trying to get better..."

"Are you?"

"I am... Sometimes... It's not like I have much time to work on myself, truly... Atleast I don't have time to sleep around... Unlike someone..."

"I don't sleep around! I love him, Kael'thas! I love every single bit of him!"

Kael stopped in his tracks. "What?"

"I have not cheated on Jaina for the hell of it... I just have to fight for every moment I can spend with him... I-... I know it's wrong, but-"

"Quit it..." Kael nodded. "I understand..."

"You don't... You have no idea what love even is... you live your weird little romance with every member of your staff and that's all you have..."

"Yes, that is all I have, Arthas... Just how pathetic it is of me to not get married to the first royal possible..."

"I loved Jaina... She should've told me she did not feel the same..."

"She didn't know yet... Hell... did you know you'll fall in love with a man in a few years? When you already have kids with Jaina?" He sighed. "Neither of you knew... And I just think you and Jaina should have a long talk... That's all I wanted to say before you started acting like an asshole and started calling me by-"

"I-... I didn't mean to call you by... by the other name... I was just mad..."

"You suck, Arthas... You are a horrible person... But I can't blame you..."

"I didn't-"

"Can you just say sorry and move on? I do not wish to speak to you anymore..."

"I'm sorry..."

"Please, talk to Jaina about this... I'm sure she'll understand..."

"She won't... She'll hate me even more than she does now..."

"She won't hate you... she never did."

"She already hates me... I am a horrible husband, Kael..."

"I am sure she knows how you feel-"

"What do you mean?"

"She was always faithful to you... But there is someone special to her... Just as there is someone special to me..."

"I- I will talk to her..."

"Shorel'aran, Arthas..."

"Farewell to you too, Kael'thas..." He lightly bowed and with such, Kael disappeared and the room fell silent.

[rjalker]

First transphobe to message me on iNaturalist. Almost thought it was a joke lol, but no, she's very serious.

Hi, I don't mean to offend, but I think your profile is far too explicit. I mean, what if an innocent, naive child reads that? I would have been disturbed if I did not already understand, in a basic, nonspecific way, what "nonbinary" means. Actually, I am quite disturbed. I'm not trying to offend you, and I'm trying not to get myself in trouble somehow. I would appreciate it if you don't flag this message. I won't message you again if you don't want me to. But I feel like I need to say something. I suggest you severely edit down your profile. Best, Violet

[ID: A painting of someone in a fancy dress reading a book, with one hand on their head, edited so their eyes are closed and they are frowning as though in annoyance. End ID.]

the "explicit" profile she's so "very disturbed" about:

Pronouns are it/its, I am autistic, aroace, and nonbinary :)

-What does it mean that my pronouns are it/its?

It means that when reffering to me, you should use "it" in place of "she" or "he", and "its" in place of "hers" or "his".

Here's an example:

"That's nonbinary-naturalist, it's the top identifier for small-flower pawpaws! It lives in Savannah, and is always taking pictures of birds and plants when it goes on walks or rides its bike!"

-What does nonbinary mean?

Nonbinary means not-binary. Binary means two, and in this case, the binary refers to the "gender binary" of "male/man" and "female/woman".

Someone who is nonbinary is transgender, but instead of "going from" one binary gender to the other (male to female, or female to male), they are instead a gender that isn't just male or female.

Nonbinary people can be no gender (sometimes called agender), both male and female, male or female and something else, constantly moving between genders, and anything and anywhere in between.

Anyone can be nonbinary, yes, even you reading this! There's no age limit for questioning your gender. If you don't feel that "man" or "woman" suit you, you can be nonbinary :)

I am nonbinary, and I am also aroace, otherwise known as aromantic and asexual.

-What do these words mean?

Asexual or ace = someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, or only experiences it in specific circumstances, or very rarely. (This isn't the same thing as being celibate, which is when people /choose/ not to pursue sexual relationships, usually for religious reasons.)

Aromantic = someone who doesn't experience romantic attraction, or only experiences it in specific circumstances, or very rarely.

Aroace means you're both asexual and aromantic in some way, and for me, it means I never experience sexual or romantic attraction, nor do I want a relationship of any kind.

My orientation affects my gender identity, since I am not attracted to anyone and don't want anyone to be attracted to me.

So I like to describe my gender as being like a nonhumanoid alien who is visiting Earth for the first time, who is confused and alarmed by humans flirting with it.

My icon is a flower with a wasp on it in the colors of the aroace flag (orange, yellow, white, light blue, navy blue), and the flower petals in the colors of the xiqyne flag, which is the name I gave the way I describe my gender.

This is known as a "xenogender", or a gender that is described using metaphors or comparisons, rather than just "I'm male" or "I'm female". The xiqyne flag colors are dark magenta, magenta, sky blue, ice blue, pale green, and pale yellow. Xenogenders can be about just the way you describe your gender, or, like mine, they can combine your orientation with your gender to show a better picture of your experiences.

[tortoisedmdd]

Digital Culture - Blog 4 - Reddit & 4chan

Reddit vs. 4chan

There is one thing that makes 4chan special - anonymity. Although the idea of complete anonymity on the Internet might make you imagine a kind of hellscape, there is some hope in the form of 4chan moderators who monitor the content within each board. These moderators are also anonymous themselves. There are only a maximum of 10 web pages available in each board. There are various boards to choose from - spanning from the innocent “Animals and Nature” to the not-so-innocent “Yaoi” - Be warned before Googling! 

I first heard about 4chan when I was 16 from a friend at a sleepover - she showed me the “man door hand hook car door” meme and after we both laughed about it I asked her where it came from. She spoke of 4chan as if it was illegal, admittedly it did freak me out and I never used 4chan but I have enjoyed some of the memes that have come from there through other social media channels. The controversies that have been birthed from 4chan is also why I am aware of what it is - One controversy that springs to mind would be the Habbo Hotel raids. 

The Habbo Hotel raids occurred on July 12th 2006 when a group in the /b/ (random) board, who called themselves “/b/lockers” joined Habbo Hotel in great numbers creating avatars of men with dark skin and an afro. The group started to form swastikas virtually and began to actually block access for other users. This raid is said to have been carried out by Anonymous as a protest again the supposed racist tendencies Habbo Hotel moderators had when banning users based on the skin colours of their avatars (Know Your Meme, 2020). 

On the other hand, you have Reddit - a website that has vast “subreddits” that can be created by any user, however you do need a username to sign up so the anonymity you find with 4chan is not there. Moderators and rules exist in each subreddit, much like the boards. Similar to 4chan, there are nice subreddits like r/cats, and grim subreddits like r/Rule34 (Again, this is not for the faint-hearted). You could say there is something for everyone on Reddit, unlike 4chan. I’m fairly sure it doesn’t exist any longer, but once I did venture on a “Red Pill” subreddit. For those of you that don’t know, Red Pill is a term coined from The Matrix, basically a subreddit filled with misogynist, involuntary-celibate men. They discussed men’s rights and how to pick up and manipulate women. This kind of dangerous rhetoric is something that can be really harmful to society, and although Reddit is much more user-friendly and not anonymous, it can still encourage groups like these to grow and spew further hate.   

Personally I use Reddit almost daily, mostly for pictures of cats, the Ireland and Cork subreddits and on occasion some pop culture stuff. I don’t really depend on it for my news but I feel like there is a really nice community aspect, which I don’t think is really in 4chan. The fact that there are usernames on Reddit, you can give people awards, and message people are nice aspects that connect people, unlike the cold “Anonymous” from 4chan.

-----------------------------------------

References:

C., A. (2022, October 05). Man door hand hook car door. Retrieved December 1, 2022, from https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/man-door-hand-hook-car-door

Ezvidinc. (2018, September 14). The difference between Reddit and 4chan. Retrieved December 1, 2022, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXOKItVakq0

Marche, S. (2016, April 14). Swallowing the red pill: A journey to the heart of modern misogyny. Retrieved December 1, 2022, from https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/apr/14/the-red-pill-reddit-modern-misogyny-manosphere-men

Pool's closed. (2017, February 11). Retrieved December 1, 2022, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fp2EZbbuMa0

Pool's closed. (2022, November 06). Retrieved December 1, 2022, from https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/pools-closed

[astrobydalia]

🌸OBSERVATIONS!! (finally lmao)🌱

Credit: Tumblr blog @astrobydalia

It's been a long time coming! So happy for spring being finally here! Here's the long ass observation post you guys asked for. Since it's quite a big amount of observations, I've decided it'd be a good idea to number them so that it's easier to reference them. As always, enjoy them!

🌸 1. Lilith in the 2nd house can indicate something fishy going on with the relationship between the native’s parents.

🌱 2. Malefic placements such as pluto, chiron, Saturn or Lilith in the 12th indicates a lot of skeletons in the closet when it comes to family and family history

🌸 3. Chiron in Aries/1st house or Leo/5th house is kind of bitch placement. The person basically feels like they can’t be themselves and there’s a lot of self-denial and/or not accepting themselves, how they really are, what they really want, etc. Lots of self-esteem issues

🌱 4. People with sexual placements in the 2nd house (Mars, Venus, Lilith, Eros, ruler of the 8th house) base their self-worth on how sexually attractive they are. If they don't feel sexually desirable to everyone, they feel like they're shit

🌸 5. Lilith is what people think Pluto/Scorpio is!!!! All that stuff about magnetic, sexual and intoxicating but dangerous? Lilith.

🌱 6. Scorpio/Pluto in 4th could mean that the person had to work hard to survive something growing up. It could be poverty, their parents’ expectations, an early trauma, etc. Whatever the situation is, the native felt like they grew up in a high-stress environment where they had to endure and survive

🌸 7. When it comes to degrees, the higher the degree, the bigger or stronger the effect. For example Leo degrees (5º, 17º, 29º) are fame degrees. 5th degree would give small fame, 17th degree would be normal and significant fame or recognition inside the person’s field and 29th degree is moreso widespread or permanent fame

🌱 8. Saturn in the 5th house is a huge indicator of turning your hobby into your job. Also these people can be very awkward in their personality

🌸 9. I’ve noticed people with Neptune in the 6th (maybe 2nd) house may have been hospitalized and if Uranus or Pluto are placed here also indicates getting surgery or operations for health reasons

🌱 10. People with Uranus or Pluto in the 1st, 2nd or conjunct the ASC could get surgery due to aesthetic reason

🌸 11. Mercury dominant people (or strong Gemini energy in the chart) like to have or get things quick and easy. For example they prefer a straight forward summary over an in-depth and elaborated explanation with too many details

🌱 12. Your moon sign shows how you see your past. Your 4th house represent how you see your childhood. But your moon represents under which light you always view your past and everything that has happened in your life in general. It also shows the type of stuff from your past you tend to focus on. Since Cancer and Pisces represent past and remenaicence, that's why Cancer and Pisces moons have trouble getting over the past.

🌸 13. Your 10th house on the other hand is how you see your future. Whenever someone asks you “where you see yourself in 5 years?” your 10th house is the one that’ll be answering that question

🌱 14. Gemini moon/mars are the LEAST likely to hold grudges (unless chart says otherwise)

🌸 15. The house where you have your Neptune indicates the themes you tend to lie about, don’t give much info, say stuff about it that are misleading etc. and in consequence people might not have a clear/correct idea of this part of your life

🌱 16. Virgo risings rarely or basically never pose for pictures. They just look straight forward to the camera, sometimes smile and maybe make a small gesture like putting one hand in their pocket or tilt their head but that’s it. (Virgo = minimalism)

🌸 17. Scorpios really don’t give a single fuck they just DON’T 😭💀 Remember this sign is all or nothing, they either care too or don't care AT ALL

🌱 18. I said it once and I’ll say to a hundred times more: Geminis are not two-faced, it’s LIBRA!! Seriously Libras are the FAKEST people I’ve ever met. Why? Because it's ruled by the planet of love (Venus), which means Libra has a knack for being liked by everyone and making everyone feel liked. HOWEVER Libra is an AIR sign and air represents mind, NOT feelings. In conclusion, Libra can make you feel "loved" (venus) and still not give a damn about you bc its air nature makes them prone to emotional detachment. That's why they are able to roast you and make it look like they're complimenting you, specially when they have Scorpio mercury.

🌸 19. Just like you look at where’s the ruler of your rising sign to get more info on your rising, check the ruler of your Sun sign for more info on your personal identity (check sign and house). For ex. I have Virgo Sun in the 9th. Ruler of Virgo=Mercury. I have mercury in Libra in the 10th house which makes me more serious (10th house) and diplomatic/people pleaser (Libra)

🌱 20. If you found that you “couldn’t” do what’s previously described because you’re a Leo sun, check the degree and decan of your Sun

🌸 21. I’ve noticed mercury retrograde people are the type of individuals who always know exactly the right things to say. You’ll always see them take a couple of seconds before answering but they tend to give very good responses

🌱 22. I’ve noticed many women with Virgo Venus/Sun/MC/Lilith have been slut-shamed at some point of their life or they’ve been seen as promiscuous/sexual/etc.

🌸 23. Capricorn moons are not emotionless machines. The thing with these natives is that their mothers treated them like an adult the second they came out of the womb, so basically they skipped the “love and affection” stage and went straight to the “grow up” stage, but they can love really hard and real deep (Capricorn is deep down a very sentimental sign). They are very ride or die people tbh, they are very patient, accepting and understanding

🌱 24. I've noticed that people at first deny their rising sign in Vedic astrology, but eventually they end up accepting it and they actually end up relating to it a lot. I feel like this is because our rising sign in Vedic astrology is usually the sign of our 12th house in Western astrology, which leads me to believe that our 12th house sign is not our shadow side but more like our deep subcontious personality and that's why we have a hard time accepting it when we see it as our rising sign in Vedic astrology. It's like your rising sign (in western) is the director of the play but your 12th house is the energy that previously wrote the script

🌸 25. So many celebrities have moon in the 11th house. Also this placement indicates that you had a mother that put you out there constantly like posting everything about you on social media, bringing you to big events or your mom was “famous” in some capacity

🌱26. Gemini risings tend to believe everything they are told. More specifically, once they find someone that knows a little bit more than them they’ll believe everything they teach them and will most likely rely on them intellectually, for advice, guidance, etc. This is bc they have DSC in Sagittarius which makes them see the people they associate with as masters and mentors while, as a Gemini rising, they identify as an apprentice.

🌸27. Both 8th house and 12th house have been associated with secrets. The different is that the 8th house represents what you CONTIOUSLY and deliberately hide from others and most likely deny to yourself (or not, depends on the person). 12th house on the other hand represents subconscious, things that are hidden even from you and you didn’t even know were hidden. 4th house is not necessarily secrets, it represents privacy, like when people have a sanctuary to just relax, unwind and feel secure, that’s the 4th house.

🌱28. Sun or Moon in the 4th house will make you a sociable but private person.

🌸29. Sun or moon in the 8th house will make you an intriguing and mysterious person.

🌱30. Sun or moon the 12th house makes you a very elusive or wishy-washy person

🌸31. I’ve seen many Scorpio sun/moon/mars/rising individuals obsessed with the idea of being prepared for a catastrophe. They could be the type to, for example, have some saved cash just in case something bad happens with their bank money, have a backup account just in case their main one gets deleted, could have a “leave before you get left” philosophy, etc.

🌱32. Is it just me or the astro community talks a lot about Aries moons???

🌸33. I’ve noticed people with 4th house in Virgo could have been raised in a very judgemental household where there was lots of taboos and prejudice as to what’s right and what’s not and the family was too preoccupied with a perfect and immaculate reputation. For example could have been raised with values such as “only criminals wear tattoos” or “you should stay celibate till marriage or else you’re a whore”, etc. and if the native broke those rules they could have been very criticized and almost loathed by the family. They native could have been highly criticized in general by their family

🌱34. I’ve noticed women that have their moon harshly aspecting Pluto, Uranus and Mars or overall have a very afflicted moon tend to have very painful period cramps

🌸35. Something I have noticed with Venus or Moon conjunct Saturn people is that the concept of unconditional love sounds like alien language to them. That of course doesn’t mean they can’t love but they have this deep belief that they have to achieve something in order to deserve love and stuff like that

🌱36. Also, I just noticed that people with Saturn conjunct sun/moon/Venus/ASC, Capricorn big 3 or Capricorn degrees in personal placements have gone through IT man, specially on an internal level. I've noticed going through depression is a common theme for people with this Capricorn/Saturn influence

🌸37. Virgo Suns could often struggle to find balance between having healthy ego and being humble.

🌱38. Also people with Virgo+Leo energy are the MOOOOST judgmental people out there. Imagine ego mixed with a sense of knowing what’s correct. They tend to believe they’re morally superior and easily liable people as inferior

🌸39. The underdeveloped energy of a sign asimilates negative traits of its sister sign. For example underdeveloped Virgo is overly perfectionist and judgmental to the point where they have unrealistic expectations (Pisces)

🌱40. On the other hand the developed version of a sign is balanced out by understanding its sister sign. For example Leo knows they are unique and special and deserves recognition but understands everyone is also unique in their own way (Aquarius)

🌸41. I’ve noticed a person can very easily manifest the stereotypical characteristics of the sign that naturally rules the house where their chart ruler is. For example if someone’s chart ruler (ruler of the ASC) is in the 7th house the person can easily manifest stereotypical characteristics of Libra like being a people pleaser

🌱42. Sagittarius ASC/Mars people are all fun, amicable and outgoing.... until they don’t get their way. They will get away from people and situations that won’t give them what they want and they can genuinely dislike people solely because those people don’t let them have their way. They tend to go around life like they have a free pass to get away with everything they want.

🌸43. People with ASC-Neptune aspects don’t have a very reliable vision of reality or themselves to be honest. I don’t know how people with this aspect haven’t lost their mind already. They are prone to subconsciously manipulating or easily getting manipulated. With hard aspects this is a lot more obvious but I’ve noticed with easy aspects this energy tends to go almost unnoticed and they easily get away with stuff

🌱44. Have seen many famous people with North node in the 2nd, 5th, 11th and 12th houses specially

🌸45. Air risings or air dominance with Sagittarius placements/degrees are people who love cartoons/animations/videogames regardless of their age.

🌱46. When I got into astrology I didn’t understand why Sun is in detriment in Libra, but oh man... All Libras I’ve met had HUGE issues with trusting themselves. They doubt themselves 24/7 and that’s not even an exaggeration and I’ve noticed they actually may have grown up doubting themselves for some reason or they had a family (their dad) that caused this feeling in them. Also I’ve seen that those Libras with Scorpio placements feel like they have to hide something about themselves otherwise they’ll be rejected. Yes they are endlessly charming, but that's because they have essentially created their personality around the desire of being liked/accepted. They always need to feel they have SOMEONE. Their sense of self, INDIVIDUALITY, independence and assertiveness is lost in the process. Unless they have fire and specially Aries placements to balance this out they can feel like they have no personality and that’s why they are often perceived as fake or shallow.

🌸47. Literally ALL Virgo placements one way or another will always suggest a way to solve your problems when giving emotional support

🌱48. I have a theory that, since 4th house is how you were raised, your home and your parents, your 10th house is how you’d be as a parent yourself and the type of home you’ll create yourself

🌸49. Contrary to my expectations, I’ve seen priests having a much more prominent 4th house (many times combined with 8th house/Scorpio energy) than 12th house. People with 12th house placements or stellium seem to prefer artistic fields rather than classic spirituality

🌱50. The house where you have your Pluto is a house you just can NOT take lightly EVER. This area of your life feels like a heavy topic to you in some way (you are either obsessed with it, find It traumatic, get extremely defensive over it, find it spiteful, you feel everything goes wrong, etc, etc.) Can also apply to the house where you have the sign of scorpio

🌸51. In synastry, Venus falling in the 12th house creates a healing dynamic in the relationship, the connection can feel cathartic specially for the house person. The house person might tend to always be comforted by the venus person’s support, always feel better (or even energetically “cleansed”) after being with them. The venus person never judges the house person and accepts them and is always willing to be there.

🌱52. I’ve noticed this pattern in people with mutable moons where they have absent mothers in some shape or form. Their mother is very inconsistent, she always comes and goes. Very often the native may have felt like their mother always “left them be” (virgo moon moms put restrictions but eventually are rather flexible)

🌸53. People with cardinal moons have bossy mothers. In many cases they can have the type of mother that is constantly making decisions for them, like their mother decides what/where they’re going to study for example (the house tells what type of things the mother tends to make decisions on).

🌱54. People with fixed moons have possesive and protective moms. While mutable moons have absent mothers, natives with fixed moons have mothers that are ALWAYS there in some shape or form. At the very least the influence of the mother is always there and they always have this sense of “loyalty” towards their mom.

Credit: Tumblr blog @astrobydalia

That's it for now, next observation post is just as long but much better, stay tuned and safe loves 💕

[jewlwpet]

It's so fascinating to me how Seraphita (novel referenced in the duel song Angel Androgynous) and The Well of Loneliness are basically the exact same story--

But the former is heterosexist Christian (specifically Swedenborgist) propaganda, while the latter is a plea for lesbian rights...

And yet the former is, in its limited way, technically more positive regarding the protagonist's androgyny than the latter: Seraphita/us' androgyny is framed as a gift from God that should be celebrated while Stephen's is portrayed as tragic, pitiable.

Of course, Seraphita/us' androgyny is only tolerated bc they are expected to remain celibate. The idea is that, being man and woman in one, they must not need or desire any mortal partner, unlike ordinary humans who can (according to the Swedenborgists) only reach God through heterosexual marriage.

Stephen, on the other hand, certainly desires a partner, but chooses to play the martyr and basically hand over the love of her life to a man because she believes that as a masculine woman, she doesn't deserve/isn't good enough for a woman's love.

Both assume they know best for the woman and man who loved them first. Seraphita/us actually acts like they are being selfish/spiteful for not initially wanting to date each other; it's awful.

[bangtanfanficarchive]

Seokjin NSFW ABCs

It only took me a solid month to complete this NSFW ABC to do with our pink vanilla king. It was requested several time, so I hope those of you who asked for this really enjoy it!

Hobi is the only one left to complete and I am working on him now, which means the Hoseok NSFW ABCs should be up either tonight or tomorrow!

Happy reading! 💜

x

A - Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Meticulous and methodical when it comes to aftercare, tbh. Seokjin is a creature of habit, a man that really likes his routines and there is no exception here. Once he feels like he's got down how you like your aftercare, he is not deviating from that path.

B - Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He's a man of many interests. Anything he's able to grab by the handful he's fond of. Boobs, butts, bellies. Loves them all.

C - Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Our man ain't picky, but his preference is to cum right inside. I do not make the rules.

D - Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Breeding kink. Probably wouldn't advertise it to any partner for a WHILE and would just let it live as a mental stimulus, but yup. It's definitely there. You heard it here first, folks.

E - Experience (how experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Man is horn knee as all hell, he has got some HOURS CLOCKED. He definitely knows what he's up to. But I also see him as more of a relationship guy and less of a hook up guy so that experience could be inconsistent.

F - Favorite position (this goes without saying)

I imagine he probably likes emotional intimacy as much as the physical. Lots of eye contact. Probably prefers missionary or some variation on missionary for that very reason.

G - Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

Hm, I could see him really swaying either way if I'm to be honest. Sometimes held there strictly to make sweet vanilla love and lots of eye contact and soft whispers. Other times in more experimental moments he'd definitely be more up for a laugh.

H - Hair (how well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Keeps everything tidied up for sure, but I don't see him taking any serious care with it unless his partner has serious grooming preferences.

I - Intimacy (how are they during the moment? The romantic aspect)

As said above, very connected. Lots of contact of every kind. Eye contact. Full body contact. The whole nine yards.

J - Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Doesn't prefer it but when he's on the road, he'll take it over being celibate for weeks at a time. Keeps a neatly organized and inconspicuous folder of his partner's photos for occasions such as there.

K - Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Breeding kink, but like … a pretty minor one if that makes sense. Might enjoy some light bondage or choking, but nothing super extreme or that would cause prolonged discomfort.

L - Location (favorite places to do the do)

At home. That is truly it. Possibly the back seat if a car, but that is really pushing the upper limit on what he'd be comfortable with.

M - Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

His pleasure as well as his partner's are equally important to him, honestly.

N - No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything even remotely related to exhibitionism or pain. Neither one suits him at all.

O - Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He's one to reciprocate. Even if his partner offers oral with no expectations of reciprocation, he's still gonna get down to business. Fair's fair, after all.

P - Pace (are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Keeps it casual. Goes with the flow. Whatever feels right at that moment.

Q - Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Isn't huge on quickies unless they're first thing in the morning after waking up. A morning quickie before work really just hits different.

R - Risk (are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

Not huge on risk, but clearly there's a bit of interest there; otherwise he wouldn't be so ride-or-die for getting choked. 🤷🏽‍♀️

S - Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

Jin doesn't have incredible stamina but since he takes pleasure in part from his partner's pleasure, he's got his ways of prolonging his partner's for as long as possible.

T - Toys (do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

I don't see Jin as being super into toys. I imagine him being pretty out off by them if I'm to be honest. Like, he obviously isn't opposed to them for strictly self-pleasuring purposes, but he wouldn't go for it if you suggested incorporating a little something extra into your couple time.

U - Unfair (how much do they like to tease?)

He has his moments, but I don't see Jin as a massive tease. If he did try to tease, though, I'd definitely see him faltering after one plea from his partner.

V - Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Boy, is this boy loud. He tends to give what he wants in return and prefers someone who's willing to use their words and sounds to spur him on. He's going to give the same.

W - Wild card

The most vanilla member but wbk

X - X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

This hyung is hung. Need I say more?

Y - Yearning (how high is their sex drive)

Definitely has one of the higher sex drives, but also has the remarkable ability to control himself. So he's not one to spend a ton of time solo when his partner isn't in the mood.

Z - Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Though he's got aftercare down to nearly a science, it really doesn't take that long to work through. So once you're both hydrated and bathed, it's pretty quickly into pajamas and then off to bed.

[darkisrising]

I’ll take you at your word, by DarkIsRising

This Dinluke may very well be the softest, fluffiest, most tooth decaying-ly sweet thing I’ve ever written. Read here or on ao3 if that’s more your thing.   I’ll take you at your word Luke is a very attractive man.

Din hadn’t noticed at first, what with all that was going on when they’d met, or even at the second because holocomm blue is not the most flattering—or steady—light. By the third time, though, Din notices because he’s not as oblivious as certain beings the galaxy over seem to think him to be.

He notices how light Luke’s eyes are and how laughter seems to hang in their corners even when he’s at his most Jedi-serious. He notices that Luke’s hair is always perfectly laid down across his forehead and sometimes wonders what kind of Jedi magic must make it so, even as his fingers twitch to muss it all up. He notices that there are dimples that flare across his face when he’s in just the right mood. He notices there is a magnificent brightness that surrounds him even when there’s yet another power failure at his temple—”I thought I’d fixed that kriffing thing! Hold on, sorry, this is embarrassing”—and all Din can see of Luke is thanks to his helmet’s heightened sensors.

But by far the most attractive thing about Luke isn’t his face, which is beautiful, or his physique, which is impressive, or his voice, which could drive a celibate to distraction. No it’s how eager Luke is not just to teach, but also to learn.

When he asks if they might spar together, Din’s expecting a brutal display of skill and dominance. What he isn’t expecting is Luke asking Din to show him that move again—”Wait, is this how it goes? Or is your weight on the other foot?”— and wait patiently as Din corrects his posture, gifting Din a rattler-flash of a smile in return.

When he asks about Din’s covert—”Whatever you want to share with me. It’s also okay if you need to keep stuff secret.”—Din can tell there is more than puerile curiosity in his questions. There is a real thirst for understanding.

And when he starts to take an interest in Din’s language, asking: “And how do you say ‘tired’ in Mando’a?” on an evening that Din is so exhausted from his flight to Yavin that he answers “Haryc” automatically, it’s no surprise that Luke takes bending his tongue to the unfamiliar word as seriously as all the rest.

“Haryc,” Luke repeats, a tiny frown of concentration forming along his forehead as he repeats it three times more for good measure. “Alright, kid, it’s time for bed. Your father is haryc.”

“Buir,” Din offers and Luke smiles with a nod of thanks, repeating the new word to himself a couple times and then amending: “Your buir is haryc.”

A thrill runs down Din’s spine to hear Luke’s voice wrap around the sounds of Mando’a, though in the moment he attributes his reaction to fatigue.

The next time he hears Luke speak a bright, chipper “Oh, Grogu, look: your buir is awake!” as he’s working over a pan of frying eggs, a spatula in his gloved hand, Din gets that same thrill despite having had a full night of uninterrupted sleep, so he knows it wasn’t because he was haryc, it’s just what happens when Luke speaks Mando’a to him.

***

Luke isn’t just easy on the eyes, or the ears. He’s also magnificent in battle: lithe and dressed in black, lit by the glow of his green saber, flickering through the line of Imp droids as he slices his way to Din’s side.

“What do you think?” Luke asks, casting his black hood back when they’ve cleared enough Imps to take a brief rest and Din spares a quick glance over at him. Sweat dances down from Luke’s forehead and it’s the only sign that this grueling stand-off is taking any kind of a toll on him. “Not bad, right? I think all our sparing has paid off.”

“Mhi solus tome,” Din says without meaning to and Luke’s eyebrow quirks a question. “We are one when together,” Din translates and even though there comes the sound of metallic feet marching down the durasteel hall he can feel Luke’s attention hone in on Din’s words.

“Say it again,” he says and when Din does, Luke repeats the phrase.

“Yeah,” he says with a smile. “I like that,” and with their next steadying, tandem breath they launch themselves at their enemy. They are an indivisible whole, and Din’s heart sings, reverberating as loudly in his chest as his beskar echoes through the air when it smashes in an Imp droid’s faceplate.

***

Luke also, Din is glad to see, has a noble heart.

“I hate to put you in this position,” Luke is babbling in the temple’s hangar as his droid whizzes by clicking loudly as he makes their ship flight-ready. “But Leia says the kids are holed up in some tundra wasteland and they haven’t been able to find them yet.”

“It’s fine,” Din says, a fond smile safely tucked away behind beskar. “Go.”

“I feel terrible. You entrusted me with your son and here I go running out on you two, again, for the third time this month—”

“Luke?” he cuts in and Luke’s mouth closes with a snap. “It doesn’t matter if you leave. Mhi solus dar'tome. We are one when parted.”

“Wait can you say that in Mando’a again—”

“Later.” Din huffs a laugh and pushes Luke toward his waiting ship. “Go!”

Luke is also persistent, so it isn’t much of a surprise when he jumps down from his X-Wing’s ladder with a triumphant grin. “Mhi solus dar'tome!” he calls to where Din is waiting with Grogu in his arms. “Did I say it right?”

Din inclines his head and Luke gives out a loud “Ha!” of glee.

“I commed Bo-Katan on the way back and made her teach me,” Luke says and Din mentally adds ‘fearless’ to his list of Luke’s virtues.

***

With Luke generosity is a given.

So it’s to Grogu, who is hoarding their latest shipment of eggs with a raised hand that brims with misused Jedi magic, that Din chastises by saying: Ad'ika! Mhi me'dinui an.”

“Yeah, Grogu,” he says between hiccupping laughs, clearly not nearly as annoyed as Din is. “Whatever he said.”

“We will share all,” Din mutters, wrestling the crate away just as Grogu slurps two more eggs down. “Mhi me'dinui an.”

And Luke, whose ear has gotten remarkably attuned to catching the cadence of Mando’a repeats back nearly flawlessly “Mhi me'dinui an.”

***

But above all of this, Luke is clever. Really, really clever, which is something that can get overlooked between his face and his laugh and his prowess with a lightsaber. He’s also so blindingly, heart-wrenchingly, stupefyingly brave that it shouldn’t be such a surprise when one day, seemingly out of nowhere, he takes Din’s leather-clad hands in his, stares into Din’s visor, and says, “So I don’t know if you mean it or not, but just in case: bal tome mhi ba'juri verde.”

Din blinks at his perfect pronunciation as well as the words he’s speaking.

“Yeah, so,” Luke says, a red flush rushing across his throat and taking over his cheeks. “I think you might have been getting married to me these past few months? And if it’s all a misunderstanding then we can just pretend this never happened—”

“Bal tome mhi ba'juri verde,” Din says, quicker than he’s maybe said anything in his life and now it’s Luke that’s left blinking.

“Oh,” he says. “Oh, well, good. That’s really, really good.”

“Yeah,” Din agrees. “Yeah, it is.”

“Good. Yeah, good,” Luke is nodding, and because no other words come to Din—in either Basic or Mando’a— he reaches up to remove his helmet and catches Luke’s lips in a kiss. ~~~+~~~ Mandalorian marriage vows: Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome, mhi me'dinui an, mhi ba'juri verde We are one when together, we are one when parted, we will share all, we will raise warriors

[papirouge]

I'm a 28 year old woman and I'm also a celibate who's a virgin. I haven't kissed anyone or even held a mans hand. I'm celibate out of choice - first it was because I realized that most men are misogynistic, but then because I wanted to dedícate my life to God.

I feel like the reason why I've never had any problem or insecurities about being a celibate it's because I actually now other women who basically are the same. One of my neighbours is a celibate woman; she saw her mother and other women on her family being mistreated by their sexist husbands or boyfriends and decided when she was a young teen that she would never be in a romantic or sexual relationship. And she's now on her 40s and is one of the happiest women I know.

When I told my mom about my choice about celibacy, she told me about this woman she used to work with that was a virgin in her 50s because she felt God put her on this Earth to dedicate her life to help others, so she decided not to marry or have children.

I also know this couple of a woman and a trans man (so a female) that for spiritual reasons decided to also remain celibate even if they have a romantic relationship.

So yeah, most women won't even refer to themselves as celibates even if they basically fit the definition (the first two women I mentioned don't refer to themselves this way). Thinking about it, my mom hasn't had a romantic relationship since she had me (so 28 years), my sister has had only one boyfriend in her whole life (at 21) and while she would want to have a romantic relationship now at her late 30s, she says that a lot of men don't meet her standards and she's not willing to lower them.

I really hope you find a good Christian man that loves you very much and you love too, but if for whatever reason you remain a celibate that you find peace with it and realize that there are others like you.

Just by reading the first paragraph, I just know you are super based, anon. There's nothing cooler (and ironically attractive) than an unbothered celibate who doesn't care about romance and relationships. Paul knew what was up when he said you were "better" lol You're truly the superior breed lol #celibatesupremacy

You're right: acknowledging there are actually other women like us, and better, being unapologetic about being forever celibate or virgin, would help so many people in this lifestyle. Realizing I was not the only one like that helped me overcome this "shame"(?) of being an everlasting celibate. We are many more than people think, it's only we don't shout if off the rooftops lol I have 2 friends around my age (early 30s) who never dated anyone. We are rare, but we exist. 🤍

I wish women had more space to share their experiences - especially intergenerational spaces. Older women giving younger ones advice about marriage, relationship, sexuality.... Ngl, I get so depressed at how relationship models for women are either degenerate oversexualized shows, or....corny romance novels written centuries ago that don't reflect the actual reality of men/women relationships... It's like there's no between. We either have to look at the gutter, or project onto on some cheesy fantasy fictional world that does not exist - and never did. Trruly depressing :/

Your mom sounds awesome. I said in another of my post that I get angsty and anxious at the idea of being single for the rest of my life at times....but my fear of embarrassing myself with a bum is bigger LOL As an introvert, I bear loneliness better than shame or resentment.

I really hope you find a good Christian man that loves you very much and you love too, but if for whatever reason you remain a celibate that you find peace with it and realize that there are others like you.

Amen🥺💗

[ave-immaculata]

will you tell us your conversion story? no pressure

Absolutely! It's pretty long, and trigger warning for some mental health issues, suicide, and sexual assault.

I think it sort of started way way back when I was 16. I'd been really struggling and had been misdiagnosed with so many mental health issues. I was medicated for these issues I didn't actually have (I'm autistic!) and I remember distinctly encountering a little voice telling me I needed to get off the meds I was taking. And well, I didn't know how to explain that and I was basically already experiencing visual hallucinations and having 20+ full panic attacks each day because of some of the meds, so it quickly devolved even further as a mess. I wasn't able to get off of them and it got bad enough I attempted suicide. I had what I refer to as a Divine Interruption where I just saw my mom coming in and finding my corpse, and it triggered a panic attack that led me to dial 911. I ended up being rushed to the hospital and they were concerned I'd have some permanent organ damage from everything I took, but thanks be to God physically I made a full recovery. I later found out that my attempt happened on the feast day of St. Jude, patron Saint of lost causes and desperate cases. There's a local parish named after him and I think someone asked for his intercession at just the right time. I was sexually assaulted not long after by one of my best friends. I remember another friend and her mom came over when I told her what happened and they helped me explain to my parents because I was really nonverbal after a bit, but the only thing I still remember saying was "What did I do wrong?? Why is God punishing me? Why does He hate me??" I had just started getting my feet under me post-hospital and then I was deeply betrayed and traumatized by someone I loved. Even though I didn't believe in God, I knew if He existed I must have been a terrible person in a past life or something to justify what was happening to me. Long story short, I ended up getting off of those medications and figuring out I was autistic (I was in a very bad scene and was cohabiting with a man way too old for me, but his son was autistic and he ended up mentioning his suspicions to me after one too many obvious childhood stories), and got really into atheism. I had a brief run in here with a home Bible study that I attended for a single night, without telling my boyfriend who was also super atheist, but I felt like I couldn't deal with Christianity while I was obviously in a situation they wouldn't approve of (premarital sex, BDSM, cohabitation, etc.) I ended up breaking up with him and moving back home, time goes on, in another relationship in the BDSM scene when that irritating desire for something crept back up. I found myself wanting to just sit in a Church's parking lot or to walk in on one that was open and sit. I didn't really, except once. I was too nervous to go in so I sat in front of a beautiful Mary statue they had out front. At some point I started considering the existence of God with an absolutely insane amount of pride. I was really stuck on the problem of evil (especially natural evil) and initially completely wrote off the Christian God. I tried praying and a lot of the time was vaguely if not outrightly disrespectful or blasphemous, especially when I got angry with God. I completely rejected the concept of Hell, was only interested in (eventually) finding a church that was LGBT+ affirming, and liked the idea of Quakerism, although I had some issues with it as well. I had a nagging in my head calling me to abandon kink and commit myself to celibacy but that was... terrifying. All of my friends except for maybe 2 were in the BDSM community. My boyfriend and I were both in it. I had introduced him to it! I worked up the strength to tell him I wanted to stop kink altogether and he totally agreed. I'd heard a liberal Christian talk about having pre-marital sex in a way that was somehow acceptable to God, but I tried that and I felt hollow inside. I felt like I was trying desperately to convince myself something was okay, that had always been okay, still was. But it wasn't, and even though he was okay with no kink he was NOT okay with no sex. I liked the idea of Mary though, and I didn't know what else to do, so I found a site that walks you through all the prayers of the Rosary on a whim (& gives you a different mini meditation on the mystery for each of the 10 Hail Marys) so I tried that. Then I did it again the next day and the next. Then after maybe a week I figured it was stupid and I should stop. I broke up with him, pandemic hit, and I was really left alone with my thoughts in a new way. I met a guy off (BDSM) Tumblr who was a professing Catholic. We messed around online for a bit but one day we had a really long phone call about religion. I told him where I was at and he just listened and supported that. He told me why he liked the Catholic Church even when I questioned him about it. I started looking into the Church's teachings and saw they were pro-life, side B, affirmed Hell, and a bunch of other things I just could never believe, so I set it aside. Then the 7th anniversary of my suicide attempt hit, which is always a harder time of year for me. The trees are all dying and I'm confronted with the memories of how horrific the hospital was, how desperate I was to escape life, how much I'd been hurting. I just felt this deep desire to try out the Catholic thing. To figure out the theological issues I had as I went. I prayed about it and signed up for RCIA pretty much a day or two after that, and from there it was... just a landslide. Once I was willing to give God an inch He gave back miles. My pride was my biggest issue through the whole thing, and like an excellent Father He just held my hand and guided me through it. I don't think Mama ever forgot those first few Rosaries I prayed. The Lord is so patient and generous and faithful. I remember one of the things that really helped me was the purpose of suffering, and specifically the idea that God suffers with us. There's a lot more to all of this, including more discernment between Eastern Orthodoxy and the Catholic Church, as well as looking into the historicity of Christ, wrestling with the concept of Infallibility, etc., but I think those are the big points of my conversion! For the record, I fully affirm all of the Church's teachings now, although some of them were easier and quicker to understand than others, but He helped me get there in the end. Also, ya girl's been completely celibate for almost an entire year! I found out that a lot of my issues had to do more with pride and vanity than with lust, but that's a whole other story.

[weirdfetishes123]

'Why is my Dick Blue' and other Pressing Questions - deviantart

Did your dom leave you with a blue stain that just won’t go away? Are you now waddling around even after hours in the juicing room? Are you now a giant blue ball that hasn’t seen the sun in months and wondering what a cute technician is doing putting this pamphlet in your face? If you answered yes to the first two questions there’s no need to worry, and if you answered yes to the last question, congratulations! You can still read! In this short guide you will find all the answers to your questions on becoming a Permaberry!

There are five levels of Permaberry. They are, in order of severity: Stained, Bloated, City, Chameleon, and Barrel. The first two are the most common and tend to happen on accident. These can occur when a caretaker waits too long to juice his berry, or they can be a planned result in order to “mark” a sub. Depending on the severity they may be able to leave the Studio, or they may be required to stay. City Permaberries are the rarest of the five. These men swell up randomly once a month or even just once a year. This used to require them to stay at the Studio, but now they can lead a normal life with some new lifestyle changes. Chameleon and Barrel Permaberries are only found at Studio 71 or at its other properties. While both are available to everyone, they carry a heavy cost in one way or another. Whichever way you choose to go, know that each Permaberry is only as permanent as you choose to be.

1) Stained.

What it is: This is the most common Permaberry. It is caused when a caretaker waits too long to juice their berry. The time frame, however, varies from person to person. Some have been juiced only after a couple of hours after swelling and have blue stains on their body, while others can wait up to a week to be juiced and come out completely clear.

What to look for: I hoped this would be self explanatory, but in case you didn’t catch on you’re looking for one (1) blue stain on you or your fuck boy’s body. The most common area to look is the groin, ass, and belly. Other places this may appear are the feet, chest, nose, or hands, although these are less common.

How it’s cured:

Well this may be hard for the affected party, but in order to get rid of the stain the affected has to remain celibate for up week at a time. This will allow the residual juices to be concentrated in the semen and make the stain disappear within a week or two. A chastity can be used here to great effect, and in fact this is usually why doms choose to make their subs Stained in the first place. If you didn’t go this route because you’re just an eighteen year old college freshman freaking out because this is the closest thing you have to ever gotten to an STI don’t worry. Even if you orgasm three times a day the stain always goes away on its own, but that would take months rather than weeks. There are no long term effects so calm down you gushy bottom.

2) Bloated

What it is: This is what happens when you leave your berry swollen for over a week. The juice becomes slightly congealed and pools in one part of the body. They may be completely blue, or just the swollen body part may be colored. In either case it’s gonna take a while to get rid of it. This is the second most common Permaberry and they almost always have to stay at the studio

What to look for: You’re looking for stained skin and large parts of the body that slosh when you touch them, other then the ones you’ve paid to see. It normally pools in the ass and belly, but it can also cause the genitals, face, and feet to swell as well. Here's the thing, if you or your date are still blue and sloshing after a 2 hour juicing session that was supposed to be 30 minutes that's a good sign that they or you are now Bloated.

How it’s cured: Buckle-up bucker-roo because you’re in for the long haul. It could take up to a month to get the swelling down. See the thing about a Bloated Berry’s juice is that is more like Jello than fruit juice. It's very stubborn, but it can be diluted with a lot water. And I mean a lot of water. Think ten gallons a day. Basically if you always feel you’re about to piss yourself that means it's working. Now that it is somewhat fluid it can be coaxed out with some basic yoga poses. Studio 71 does offer some classes that are filled with bloated berries so you’ll never be short of company. Don’t worry, the classrooms have plenty of drains on the floor. Everyone after a month or so makes a full recovery, but some lucky bastards get to keep a berry’s legendary flexibility.

3) City

What it is: Are you busy man on the go? Need a vacation? Do you feel so stressed you can just burst? Do you have a strange masochistic desire to make your God Awful existence an oddly sexual nightmare? Then you might, might, become a City Berry. This is the rarest of all the Permaberries and it only affects a baker's dozen around the globe. They have earned their name due to the fact that all of them came from major metropolitan areas before the Studio and continue to reside there. They lead average lives and being a Permaberry doesn’t affect their professional or private life at all. However, about once a month, their stomach starts to gurgle, turn blue and they start to grow. Once that happens they have about an hour to rush home to their Juicing Kit or risk being stuck as a blue ball in public.

What to look for: City Berries look just like anyone else really. There is no way to really separate them from the crowd. However in private, if you’re comfortable with violating their privacy you can look for their juicer, but this isn’t recommend as there is only 14 or so people in the whole world have them. Anyway if they were a City Berry they probably wouldn’t date someone who’s rummaging through their closest like a cracked out raccoon. Come to think of it that is just the response you should expect for everyone who has a working brain stem. Anyway at full size they aren’t any different from the berries at Studio 71. Their juice is slightly more potent however, and while a regular Studio berry might make you shade or so paler, a City Berries juice will definitely turn you blue. In the off chance you find yourself in this situation juice yourself as soon as you can to avoid becoming Stained.

How it’s cured: As of now there is no cure. Some City Berries have had this condition for years, but it hasn’t affected their life terribly. If you do find yourself in this situation you have no need to be nervous or scared.

4) Chameleon

What it is: This is it. The most Exclusive Berry drink at Studio 71. One shot can make you a berry indefinitely, but that's not all. One shot of Studio Elite gives you full control of you transformation. Do you want to be buff? Round? Blueberry? Cherry? A mix of all four? Go for it Champ! A Chameleon can change what shape and color they are at will. It is the ultimate experience of berry inflation, and most are willing to work at the studio for a year just to pay the $10,000 price tag for one shot. As it is nearly all of the staff at Studio 71 are Chameleon’s and are paying back their debt. However there are some lucky sons of bitches who win a monthly drawing to get it for free.

What to look for: Honestly anything. They could be short, tall, skinny, fat, and any color of the rainbow. Just assume that everyone who works at the Studio is one and you’re good to go. Observant guests can even spy one changing from one fruit to another if the pay attention.

How it’s cured: Asking a Chameleon if they want to be cured is like asking a lottery winner if they want to work at McDonald’s. Most don’t want it to end, but if it must there is a drinkable cure which remove the effects. What follows is a standard juicing practice and they are back to normal. As of now there has only been a couple who willingly ended to move on with their life, but more have had the privilege removed for punitive reasons.

5) Barrel

What it is: This is it. The Ride or Die Berry. The drink that turns you into a Barrel is only $20, but the price is in reality much steeper. Like the Chameleon Berry this one comes with its own separate contract. If buy this drink you have to remain in the studio for a minimum of six months. And no that can’t be negotiated down. If you drink the Barrel potion it will change your life forever, and maybe not for the best.

What to look for: You’re gonna look for a giant blue ball that has no idea where it is. That’s because barrels aren’t your run of the mill berry. Oh no, they are the closest to being permanent. See the human body isn’t exactly designed to carry two tons of fluid inside it, so the potion makes some changes. It actually weakens the skeleton in order to get the resources needed to form a cartilage sphere under the berries skin. This new flexible shell now carries the weight. This process removes most human characteristics from the berry’s skin. Their nipples, genitals, and body hair are all removed, in some cases even their hands and feet are absorbed into the body. What’s left is smooth, shiny surface that almost looks like latex. Once the juice passes the blood brain barrier it starts to effect the berry’s mind. First they lose all track of time. If you leave them alone in a room and come back an hour later they will think you only just left. Then comes amnesia. The won’t remember anything from their life before being a berry. Lastly the long term memory process shuts down. Now they believe their entire existence is what is going on around them, nothing more.

Due to the extremity of the treatment paying customers are limited to six months of this treatment. Rule breakers are another story. This is the fate of anyone who breaks Studio 71’s security or the privacy of the guests. They will be a barrel for at least a year, possible many more.

WARNING! All berries CAN and WILL become Barrels if they aren’t juiced in two weeks time! Remember to juice your Berry Boys before the two week mark or you will be forced to join them for their extended visit!

How it’s cured: One word: Juicing. Lots and lots of juicing. There is special machines made for it at Studio 71 that specialize in juicing as Barrels need a long slow juicing process. This ensures a gentle and painless process in which the cartilage sphere its dissolved by the action and the skeleton can reform. The entire process can take weeks, regardless of how long they were a Barrel. Out of all of the Permaberries only half return completely to normal. The rest have permanently stained skin and might even always carry juice in there bodies. The lest common side effects affect the brain. While 90% of all return to their normal selves, 5% gain significant intelligence, while the other 5% never fully recover from the ordeal. If you choose to go down this path think carefully. You may not come out the other end the same.

Well that's it berry boy. Feel better? No? Honestly that sounds like a “you” problem. Look there isn’t really a need to panic about a blue spot or a swollen gut, so sit down, shut up, and I hope you enjoy your stay at Studio 71. Stay Juicy!