#like they'll say they love me but it feels so hollow when they won't even acknowledge this major part of me

[gabessquishytum]

I think not enough people have come to talk to you about chubby Hob. So I am here to push the chubby!Hob agenda!!

Human au maybe, where Hob has a long and storied past. He was homeless for a bit, he was food insecure for longer. And now that he's settled and secure in a decent flat with a good job (maybe this is an au where he's the chef at the New Inn?) He has to keep his pantry full. And he always cleans his plate. No leftovers in this house. He was intense about it for a while and it was maybe hoarding and binging, but he's got it mostly under control now. He just likes to know he won't go hungry. The side effect of this is he's put on some weight. He's got a belly, his thighs and arms are thick. He's honestly pretty happy with it, since it's more proof he isn't starving anymore.

Enter Dream. Dream is depressed and introverted at the best of times. But he's just gotten out of an abusive workplace that had him so anxious he wasn't eating and hes... kind of forgotten food can be enjoyable. Death takes him to the New Inn to get him out more, to coax him into trying something new. Dream orders the safest sounding thing on the menu. Something simple. And when it comes out it smells amazing, and when Dream picks off the tiniest bite to try it, it's incredible. He's ruined for this dish from anywhere else. Death watches him eat an entire plate of food for the first time in months and insists the chef come out so they can thank him personally.

And Hob and Dream lock eyes and sparks fly. Dream comes back and orders the same dish every day for lunch for 2 weeks until one day Hob sends out the usual and an extra side. The waiter hands him a napkin from Hob to go with the side that has "trust me" written on it in sharpie. And that's how Dream starts trying more things on the menu. Until one day Dream asks the waiter what dish he's been given to try today and the waiter says it isn't on the menu. They'll go ask Hob about it. Hob comes out and says it's an exclusive that Dream will only see again if he let's Hob take him on a date and cook him dinner personally.

🍰🐲

I see the words Chubby Hob, I light up like a christmas tree.

I love the idea of Hob being the new inn's chef, that feels so perfect! I bet he would find a lot of comfort in having this kitchen which is just as well stocked as his own kitchen upstairs, full of ingredients, and he can cook all day and make himself snacks and little meals during the quiet spots in the day, and also snacks for all the staff members. It soothes the part of his brain that is still cold and scared. And he doesn't mind that he'll always have a bit of a thing about food, because he's safe now. He can eat nice things and buy new jeans when he needs a size up. It's all good.

And when he sees Dream, he implicitly wants to make everything ok for him. And make food for him. Hot pies, lasagna, fish and chips. He just wants Dream to feel warm and safe, like Hob does now! It's not like he can fix everything, but maybe he can give Dream a little bit of hope?

Ultimately it doesn't take much to convince Dream to shyly head up the stairs to Hob’s flat, and sit at the kitchen table in the warm lamplight while Hob cooks dinner for them both. Hob even baked biscuits for Dream to nibble while he waits. Maybe while he's exploring the flat Dream finds a few pictures of a hollow cheeked, painfully thin looking Hob, and everything starts to make sense.

They have a little cuddle on the sofa after dinner, and Dream gets to curl up against Hob’s warm soft belly. He feels very safe there, with Hob’s arms wrapped around him. He likes the way Hob is padded and squishy with no hard edges, and Dream can just sink into him. Neither of them are really thinking about sex but much later, Dream will definitely fantasise about grabbing that soft belly, maybe rutting against it, maybe biting it.....

And maybe he'll get a little healthy meat on his bones too. Dream definitely wouldn't be mad about it if the results of all Hob’s good food start to show on his body. In fact, he might be a bit proud.

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

The latest issue of the Obi-Wan comic has me wanting to write SO MUCH STUFF ABOUT IT it’s insane - but I’d have to brush up on Heart of Darkness, Apocalypse Now and Shatterpoint to be halfway coherent about it!! 

But!!!!

There’s this imagery of going up the river into the jungle to confront and probably kill a man tortured by death and war into a demented agent of death - with the risk of becoming the very same thing, and with the line between hunted and hunter blurring. It’s all swamp and mist and shadow and night! It’s that classic structure that has already been used in Star Wars so well! (In Shatterpoint, which was heavily inspired by Apocalypse Now and follows the same beats and atmosphere.)

We have that same insight into the pov character's struggle with the idea of killing a comrade who has lost their way, while questioning whether adherence to peace is even possible, or if it wasn't just denial and hopeless naivety.

Going up the river is a grotesque parade of dead bodies that chills the soul - and the living share the characteristics of the dead. The person looming over the story now inspires cult-like devotion in the other lost souls. It's SUCH an effective storytelling trope and one of my favorite explorations of war! Compare this to the previous issue.

This was the 'classic' examination of war: fairly straightfoward violence with clear goals that you either achieve or die trying, followed by the contemplation of how hollow and bitter victory feels.

This is the next step - there's no longer anything to fight for or against. Violence and death have become the very fabric of the world rather than an anomaly that can be rectified. Moral considerations have no weight and actions have no effect. The road is a river - you can't stray from it, and it only leads to one place, death (whether you want it or not. Anakin didn't want to kill Mekedrix, but he does). As Mekedrix says:

There's no point in virtue or honor or courage anymore, as all roads lead to death.

And the only way to escape this apocalyptic and perilous night and go back to the sunrise of the last issue (the sunrise that Obi-Wan kept seeking) is even more death.

It's so bleak but SO POWERFUL and effective. I'm not kidding, as means of conveying a tragedy go it's next to the perfect trope.

Going back to the cult-like aspect, with people being warped into symbols...

(I wish they'd make Shatterpoint into a movie just for this comparison. THE COMIC STRIP LOOKS LIKE ACTUAL FOOTAGE)

I'm going insane over these personifications of the outcome of war, shrouded in shadows and stripped of personhood that you find in desecrated old Temples.

People who can't connect to their names anymore or are robbed of their faces by the shadows or robbed of their health or cannot talk at all anymore (Shatterpoint). Obi-Wan keeps trying to remind Mekedrix that identity and life are what give nature and death meaning, but THE NIGHT IS JUST TOO DARK.

The art is SO GOOD. THIS IS THE FACE OBI-WAN MAKES WHEN HE KNOWS SOMEBODY IS LOST

From the very beginning of the story he KNOWS he won't save Mekedrix just like everybody who goes up the river into the Temple KNOWS what they'll find will be far beyond any hope of rescue. The question with that trope is never - will we bring this person home? - but what will we be when we come back?

I LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT WHAT DEFINES OBI-WAN IS THAT HE'S DEMONSTRABLY INSANELY RESILIENT TO THIS FORM OF HORROR. The original trope has the pov character coming back irreparably tainted. The variation in Shatterpoint has Mace's faith hanging by a string - by the end, he's beaten, bruised, exhausted and thoroughly tired of it all, and it costs him incredible pain and every last reserve of strength he has to make it through. But in this comic, Obi-Wan's crisis was last issue, when he could still see the sun, more so than in this one.

In this issue he's Anakin's rock and he's more focused on Mekedrix's despair than his own. HE'S CENTERED AND MOTIVATED BY THE THOUGHT OF PULLING PEOPLE OUT OF THE DARKNESS WHEN NOBODY CAN SEE THE LIGHT.

I don't even know where I'm going with all of this except that!!!!! The parallels and contrasts between William and Mace and Obi-Wan!!!! And Kurtz and Kar Vastor and Depa and Mekedrix!!!!!! The ART!!!!! THE POV CHARACTER NARRATING HIS JOURNEY UP THE RIVER INTO THE JUNGLE!!!!! THE IDEA OF A STORY ABOUT SEEKING A PERSON THAT TELLS YOU MORE ABOUT THE SEEKER THAN THE PERSON SOUGHT!!!!!!!! I just. It's good.

[blackhiil]

blackhill: song association (part 3)

you get me so high - the neighborhood

“wish i didn’t doubt it, wish i never ever told you all about it but i just had to let you know, i never meant to hurt you, though” one of them for whatever reason, begins doubting the relationship or doubting other and opens up about that doubt except now it’s cause a strain or damage to their relationship and now whoever told regrets it even if it needed to happen

needy - ariana grande

NATASHA Natasha natasha !!! "sorry if i'm up and down a lot, sorry that i think i'm not enough and sorry if i say sorry way too much" this just screams nat honestly. like maria is her first stable, relationship where her feelings are considered and her voice means something; so its intense and she's always scared something will go wrong.

505 - arctic monkeys

honestly, i don't have anything to say. it's just a song that screams THEM! like it's their song and it just makes sense.

stay - miley cyrus

angst. AnGsT. ANGST! "and I love you more than i did before and if today i don't see your face nothing's changed no one could take your place it gets harder every day say you love me more, than you did before and I'm sorry it's this way but i'm coming home, i'll be coming home and if you ask me i will stay, i will stay" so they've broken up for whatever reason because they thought it would best except they're miserable without each other. they've realized that being apart actually made them love each MORE and when they see each other again, they'll stay to make it work

the one that got away - katy perry

"in another life i would be your girl we keep all our promises be us against the world In another life i would make you stay so i don't have to say you were the one that got away" "i should've told you what you meant to me" high school lovers to enemies to lovers!!!! so, they dated when they were in high school and for reasons unknown, they don't last. fast forward, they're adults and yes, they're STILL hung up on each other but they were each other's great love, and now "in another life" they get a second chance to fix it

let her go - passenger

"staring at the ceiling in the dark same old empty feeling in your heart cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast well, you see her when you fall asleep but never to touch and never to keep cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep" this is after nat is dead, maria is deeply depressed (naturally) and she always dreams about her but when she wakes up, she's alone with no natasha and it just hurts

give your heart a break - demi lovato

this can actually be told from either of their pov's. both of them have just been through too goddamn much romantically. "don't wanna break your heart wanna give your heart a break i know your scared it's wrong like you might make a mistake there's just one life to live and there's no time to wait to waste so let me give your heart a break" nat would definitely be worried about making mistakes "cause you been hurt before i can see it in your eyes you try to smile it away some things you can't disguise don't wanna break your heart baby i can ease the ache" maria would be worried about nat hurting her like she's been hurt in the past

drive - halsey

you know, they could be dying and still wouldn't admit their feelings for each other. this song is just them PINING after one another, it's RIDICULOUS. "your laugh, echoes down the hallway carves into my hollow chest, spreads over the emptiness it's bliss It's so simple but we can't stay over analyze again, would it really kill you if we kissed" they want each other so BAD! they spend so much time together that it's almost domestic at this point but of course they still won't admit their feelings "all we do is drive all we do is think about the feelings that we hide all we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign sick and full of pride all we do is drive" in conclusion, they want (and need) to kiss !

[hopefulstarfire]

Have another jewelry psa for you that's kind of an all encompassing, here's everything post from someone that works in coding at a repair depot.

Please don't wear your jewelry into pools, hot tubs, the ocean, etc. The chemicals are bad for your jewelry and can really tarnish silver! If it's a base metal (not gold or silver or brass or even tungsten or stainless steel; i.e., copper), it can not be cleaned and polished or even repaired, so please be careful with it! Oh and especially jewelry with opals in it please be careful getting those wet!

Don't shop at JCPenney.

Stainless Steel is something that's harder to work on and only some jewelry repair depots can do anything with it. This is because of the high melting point and also trying to match the finish on it.

For the love of God don't get tungsten. You cannot size tungsten or repair tungsten at all and it can be very brittle. I had one come in completely shattered and the ticket said it was hit by a basketball.

Don't shop at JCPenney.

I personally don't think hollow jewelry is worth it at all. Specifically earrings. You cannot undent those or do much repairs with them cause yeah they'll just break they're an automatic buyout for us.

For my depot, repairs can take upwards of five weeks, depending on the type of repair. Sizing? Little easier, takes a couple weeks, depending on how much we're Sizing it up or down (if we're taking it from a 7 to 13, it'll take just a little longer to make sure everything's secure). If we have to reshank (this happens when the band of the ring is too thin, meaning it's measuring under .70mm or it's yknow missing the entire bottom half), or replace missing stones (and match it by the color, clarity and size), or anything that's a true repair, it does take a little bit longer and typically is within those 5 weeks unless it's something super heavy and crazy. Custom pieces, where you ask the jewelry to make you a completely new piece, can take at least a month!

Don't shop at JCPenney

Cubic zirconia rings are cheaper than diamonds and I guarantee you they're much prettier go for those.

If your piece of jewelry is causing itchy and red skin, namely if it's white gold or silver, there's a solid chance you have a nickel allergy. Let that be known when you go to send it off and they can plate it differently. It'll still keep that same color but that way it won't cause an allergic reaction.

You can tell what your jewelrys metal type is by looking at the stamp on it! Some examples;

925 - Silver. However, 925 + 1/20 is platinaire and yes it'd confusing because I swear to God, when the stamp starts to wear off, it only ever wears off the + 1/20 and not the 925.

Typically, when it comes to gold, it'll say 10k or 14k (those are the most common I've seen in the U.S., though once in a while I'll see 18k, and I've had one 20k and one 9k). However, and especially on chains, I'll see the 585 for 14k, for example.

SR BR means silver over brass, and just BR is brass. Though sometimes it'll be silver over brass and it'll just say BR.

Don't shop at JCPenney.

You can tell if pearls are real by rubbing them on your teeth. I found this out after I saw our stores owner doing that. Yes it's weird. Real pearls feel rough and gritty, fake ones feel smooth.

Pearls are also a bitch bc if the clasp breaks or anything you have to resting them. Or if they're on a ring or earring and come off, you have to reglue them onto the little spike rather than resetting them and tipping the prongs around them. It's weird as hell to me.

I recommend being careful if you see earrings that have a snap setting. On the sides, they remind me of like tulip seems for some reason and the prongs they have set very flimsily over the earrings and curl over them versus your standard prong that rests against the sides of the stone. They are super fucking frail and will break if you do anything to them repair wise and don't offer really any security for your stones. Below is an example picture but I hope my descriptions pretty apt

DON'T SHOP AT JCPENNEY!!!!!

I have found you can find better sales in department stores than you can on their online site. My ring was marked at 200 but my man's got it for 87 bucks and I've never been more proud.

JCPENNEY JEWELRY IS CHEAP AND IT SUCKS AND THE PROTECTION PLANS ARENT WORTH IT IF YOU'RE NOT SPENDING HUNDREDS OR THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON SOMETHING JUST DON'T BOTHER THEY ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.

If anyone wants to know more jewelry tips please feel free to ask! Or if you have some, add onto this.

[msfbgraves]

Whenever you get time, I’d be interested in seeing something between Terry and Daniel following Sam confronting her Father about what exactly happened “that night” with him and Mama, and Terry going into deadly, ice-cold Alpha mode with her.

It was such a loaded conversation, and her seeing her sweet Mama in shock and unable to answer her just makes it even more disturbing.

Daniel probably knows or suspects that Sam asked Terry, and it makes me wonder what private time between them looked like following this.

If it was tense or bitter or pained or reproachful. I wonder if they tried to act like nothing happened, or if they alluded to it in conversation. Or maybe it was simple, like Terry taking Daniel in his arms, or Daniel going to him, and them conversing with each other without words.

Or maybe they just avoid each other for the rest of the evening and night, the band-aid over this wound peeled open for a bit. Again.

"You didn't have to be so hard on her."

They've not spoken a word about this all day. They didn't have to.

Terry trails two fingers through the smooth black hair tucked under his armpit, traces them over his omega's soft skin.

"I wasn't, mo cuishle."

A snort, though he doesn't open his eyes. "She was white as a sheet."

"Hmm." Terry's thoughts swerve back to the determined face of his eldest. "Trust me. Any other Alpha would have had her pistol whipped."

He bristles, offended, protective. "There's no need to hurt her!"

He holds Daniel a little more tightly against his side. "I told you, I didn't. I simply gave her a very fair warning."

He scoffs. "About what?"

"Coming between an Alpha and his mate."

Now Daniel pushes himself up. "She was trying to protect me."

Terry frowns, lifts his chin. "From what?"

Daniel lowers his eyes. "She thought I was hurt."

Terry cocks his head. "Are you, love? Did you tell her that?"

He looks up at him, gives a wry smile. "No. Per Dio! But she's getting quite forceful, our girl."

"Yes." He sits up himself. "And it stops now."

Daniel blinks at him. "She's our puppy, Terry. I keep telling you, she doesn't work for you."

"Yet." It's a sore point, but they'll have to discuss it some day. "Listen, Danny," he says. "I don't expect you to understand this, but I did it because I love her." He protests, but Terry shakes his head. "This took guts, and I respect that," he says. "But a young Alpha without an omega can forget what is, and isn't, their turf, and if she goes around sticking her nose into other people's business -"

"Then it's my fault." His voice is almost toneless. "I went into their room."

"To check on them," Terry says, the memory rising like bile in his throat.

"No," Daniel says.

"That's not what this is!" Terry says, a little more forcefully than he wants. Won't this cursed night ever die? "Danny, please. She's a young Alpha who needs something to fight. Yasmin will have an episode like this soon enough. Eli hasn't stopped since kindergarten."

"We left them, Terry." His face is contorted with guilt. "Sam is a very perceptive pup, she knew what was going on..."

"She is a fourteen year old girl who disobeyed her mother, and I won't have that, Daniel!"

He looks away, shakes his head. "She did not...!"

He grabs his chin. "She wanted more than she got from you, my darling," he says, "and instead of relenting she came to me. It was willful, foolish, and unacceptable, and I let her know." A short silence. "That's it!"

That pained, hollow grimace. "I should never have -"

He grabs him. "Please, my love. It's done. It's done!"

There's something desperate in his tone even he can't deny.

"You need to pick Sam up tomorrow," Daniel says, when they've held each other for some time. "Do something fun, let her pick the place. If she wants to bring friends you do."

He scoffs. "I'm not going to reward -"

"It's not a reward, it's an olive branch," Daniel says, a hard edge in his voice. "To remind her that she has a Daddy who loves her. Who wants her to feel safe."

He bristles again: "Of course I do!"

"Then show me," his mate says. "Show me, Sir. You owe me that."

His breath feels like fire in his throat, but for once he bows his head.

"Thank you," Daniel whispers, letting out a very deep sigh. "Thank you, Sir."

[threadsun]

That’s very nice !! Also a really nice way to think ! Completely different from me cuz like

-jda here I might cri while writing this-

The first time I used one was for like a school trip or something and my teacher knew I couldn’t walk very well but she really wanted me to go so she just— she started asking for money to buy a wheelchair just so I could go,,, DUDE I FELT HORRIBLE like I was putting too much pressure on my poor teacher she was so nice too so I just felt like the worst human being in the planet, I said I was cool with not going but she kept insisting and it came to that level—

The school managed to get a wheelchair btw and through the trip I could just feel the judging faces of idk people???? My classmates were just looking at me cuz haha bullied people problems !! Luckily I was with some friends so they were very much supporting and always looking after me— and somehow I felt like a burden to everyone and no I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to cry right there,,,

I mean the trip was fine and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of my teacher but tbh I just couldn’t focus on anything, my mind was being a mess :( so not so much of a fun experience—

I MEAN ANYWAY YEAH HOLLOW KNIGHT IS GREAT !! Even if it doesn’t seem to be everyone’s type of game, just looking at it is fun cuz there’s so much detail in everything so yeah pretty game I lieky

Awww I'm sorry darling <3 no one ever deserves to have a bad experience with mobility aids. But it's not uncommon, I felt very self-conscious the first time I used a wheelchair. And honestly, I feel kinda self-conscious about it still. I always worry that people will think I'm faking my need for it because I can stand and walk short distances.

But at the end of the day, you eventually learn to sort of say fuck it. And to realise that being disabled is more inconvenient for you than anyone else, and that actually the way to make things easier for yourself and those around you is to take care of yourself. Asking for help when you need it, using accommodations when you need them, treating yourself gently.

Even if people act like you're causing more problems when you ask for help, in the long term it means you're not hurting yourself more and therefore they won't need to take even more care of you. Not to mention that the more of us who use the accommodations we need, the easier it'll be for other people to get the same accommodations, and the less awkward they'll feel about using them. Like any other student at your old school who needs a wheelchair now will have access to one thanks to you! That's a great thing!

Idk it's never easy to be disabled, it doesn't feel good physically or mentally. It's really easy to get weighed down by the way people treat us and the fact that there's things we can't do. But at the end of the day, the best thing we can do for ourselves and others is take care of ourselves. And whatever you can do to keep your mood up will help as well! It makes things much more liveable when you learn to have fun with whatever bullshit your body throws at you.

Anyway lots of hugs and kisses for you, I love you so much and I hope things get much much easier for you 💙

[kitkatt0430]

Okay, so time has come for me to watch Mask of the Red Death part 2 - here's hoping this goes better than the last episode.

Stream turned white as soon as I went full screen. I feel like this is an omen. Anyway, let's restart and try again.

So far so good, I can now see the previously on. So full of plots I don't care about compared to so few the ones I do.

Okay, so I guess we're starting with the CCPD, but it's hard to care about the CCPD with David and Joe gone. I can never remember any of the officers though I recognize at least a few background recurring characters and Kramer just hasn't really grown on me all that much. That said, I'm glad someone remembered that Kramer has powers because hey, she uses copying Roy's powers to pretty good effect, even though doesn't work for long.

Allegra arguing with Hartley, Jaco, and Keith (Goldface, I just got tired of using his nickname all the time) over leaving Blaine behind feels hollow because odds are Blaine isn't dead anyway. Like I said last time, no body? Probably not dead.

Everyone's tired and scared, Barry's been nerfed, but at least Iris has her head on straight. Keith speaks for me when he says "I always liked you" to her. :D

Iris is definitely the brains of the operation. That said, if all the power was basically out, how did they get the tech working to interface with Cecile's powers. That was a big problem last episode and no one ever fixed it. Maybe something hit the cutting room floor that shouldn't have?

Cecile feels that someone is out there in lots of pain and oh apparently Blaine's still alive. Surprise. Anyway, he's clearly been tortured and I do get why Barry wants to rescue him. If there is one thing Barry has that is stronger than his speed, it's his guilt complex.

Khione - Well fine if you won't save Blaine, I will.

Hartley - I cannot let my new friend-shaped person go into danger without me.

*snicker* I mean, that's basically how fast Hartley caves and he goes from angry/annoyed voice to his softer voice. Finally, Hartley and Khione friendship showing up again.

I mean... maybe there's some guilt about Caitlin mixed in there, but Hartley never liked Caitlin in this timeline. Respected her, clearly yes since he went directly to where he thought she'd be for help a few episodes earlier, but doubtful they ever got along well. And now she's gone, so they'll never have that chance. But I do think he's just genuinely fond of Khione for herself.

Jaco folds next. And then Keith, but he's not happy about it.

Kramer - You won't be able to hack our satellite. 'Cause ARGUS upgraded it.

First... since when does the CCPD have it's own satellite????

Second, ARGUS' firewall crumples like tissue paper. There is a joke there about Cisco's inability to secure shit.

third... where the heck did all the Red Death suits come from? Did they spawn like rabbits between episodes???

Barry is right to tell Khione 'no' when they're going into danger and she has zero combat skills.

Since when has Allegra had x-ray vision. Was this something she gained when I wasn't watching last season? Or at least had foreshadowed??? (Probably not on both counts.)

Oooh, Hartley's enhanced hearing comes up again.

Jaco - Feels like a trap to me. Feel like a trap to anyone else?

He is immediately correct. Red Death arrives to monologue!

Okay, so the suits are psychic manifestations apparently? How does Barry even know that? But then how does Ryan know about the vision of Savitar stabbing Barry that almost killed him two seasons ago???

Oh, hey, Grodd is here. And apparently he's connected to evil Ryan now? And the Gorilla City gorillas are gone now, so lets feed that guilt complex of Barry's huh?

And then the band with the Rogues breaks up. Can't blame 'em, but I know they'll be back later.

Iris and Khione talking is lovely. Iris gives Khione some good advice. I just wish we'd gotten these interactions with Caitlin instead.

Was Khione kissing Blaine to activate her healing powers on him (or whatever that was) necessary? I swear if we get Khione/Mark Blaine as an end game ship I will be so fucking pissed off.

Time for a Joe West pep talk for Barry. Or for Barry to pep talk Joe? I do love their father-son relationship. But I knew that Joe wouldn't be a series regular anymore this season, so I suspect this is him bowing out. Or the start of it anyway.

I do love how much use Nash's teleporter is getting in these two episodes. I miss the Wells characters, but it does feel a little like Nash is still there helping them. Just a bit.

Grodd blaming Barry for being alone isn't really fair - Barry isn't at fault for that and it's not like Grodd ever let Barry know what he'd discovered about the Gorilla City gorillas. And I think on some level he knows that and that, more than Barry's speech, is what sways Grodd. He can look into Red Death's mind. But he can look into Barry's too.

Red Death's episode long break down continues. And somehow Barry got his speed back from Grodd? Whatever.

More speedster running/chase scene/fighting. It is pretty fun the way it's done, though. And the Rogues showed back up to help Barry, as I predicted. :D

So does real Ryan! Woo, so good to finally see her. And she nullifies evil Ryan's speed for a Batwoman vs Red Death fight.

Jaco - We'll help out anytime.

Hartley - Ehhh...

Jaco - Anytime.

Hartley - Okay, why not.

I... don't know that I liked the cheesy fourth wall breaking joke the Rogues ended on though.

Chester fanboying over real Ryan is hilarious. And I like how Ryan and Iris low key fangirling over each other was cute too.

So where was real Ryan all this time? I... don't think anyone ever said.

There is so much unexplained in this episode.

Joe leaving to raise Jenna is the right call, but I hate that he's apparently semi leaving Cecile to do it? He's done the single parent raising a daughter before. He deserves to raise Jenna with her mom too. Not just on the weekends. And how do they afford any of this anyway? Joe is retired, so what is their income even looking like?

So much unexplained.

Oh no. Oooooh no. Chester/Allegra is happening. Make it stop. They still have no chemistry. At least Barry is still his usual oblivious self about it.

I... do not like how they find out Iris is pregnant. I mean, it is a bit funny that Khione didn't realize they didn't know yet when she blurted it out, but still. Iris deserves better than the writers are giving her once again.

Anyway, that's it for the episode. It was better paced then the last one and I enjoyed it more, but there were a lot of plot holes in there. So many plot holes. I can't say I really like how the Red Death arc ended.

But Hartley, Jaco, and Keith were fun and it seems like they'll show up again later in the season? Here's hoping anyway.

I feel like a number of things in this episode would have gone better with foreshadowing. Grodd's involvement, Allegra's x-ray vision, the Red Death clones (psychic whatevers)... And other things just needed an actual damn explanation. Especially real Ryan showing up out of nowhere at the last minute. Where was she? In the timeline that Red Death came from? Took a wrong turn in Albuquerque? Where was she this whole time??? We know she was missing, so what the hell?

I think the biggest problem is they were trying to do too much at once in these two episodes and thanks to how poorly paced part one was, they squashed too much into part two.

Anyway, teaser for the next ep shows discussions about the pregnancy happening early - so there's probably concern that the baby she's pregnant with won't be Nora? And then Khione training her powers, which seem to be healing but cold? I'd be more interested if the person training her wasn't Blaine.

His first intention after Khione was born was to kill and replace her with Frost. So Blaine helping Khione figure out her powers is not what I'd call a great idea. And it looks like we may be heading into Khione/Blaine territory, which... him using Khione as a replacement goldfish for Frost, even hypothetically, creeps me the fuck out.

So I might not watch the next episode. Or i might just skim it/skip around looking for good parts. I dunno.

[icharchivist]

This isn't my usual GBF question but a more general one. How to be more social online please?

Like. I prefer online courses cause I can just silently do it and get an OK grade. But now I can't. I have to *talk* and regularly at that. I'm so nervous! Even now I'm on anon, and I trust you more than any of my classmates. Suggestions? Please?

Hi there nonny!

I wish i could give proper advice but i'm sorry to say i have the exact same problem, believe it or not.

Tumblr is a bit of a weird zone for me. I've been here for over 10 years, it took me years to get active, and eventually it's mostly the fact i know my posts rarely escape my comfort zone that means i can feel more comfortable rambling on there.

But it's specifically because i need to stay less in the open that you won't see me actually talk on Twitter ahah

When it came to Discord i used to be a complete mess. I would not talk unless spoken to so i've ghosted so many group chats. My crew channel ended up being very good to me because some friends constantly included me in the conversation so much i just feel comfortable there.

On online classes? i was completely panicking. I could follow fine as long as i could stay quiet, i would never put on my video no matter what was asked.... But i have vivid memories of my teacher once deciding to put us into mini groups on zoom to have us work together and i panicked and closed the zoom call before he had the time to put me into a group. Similarly there was a class where the teacher kept calling people to answer questions, i experienced one class and i never attended at the rest of his classes. Which is a shame because i know he's a good teacher, but i was completely paralyzed at the idea of being put on the spot.

In real life, before the pandemic, i used to force myself through it. I had panic attacks nearly everyday, and was trembling everytime i was put on the spot, but i would fake a smile and try to power through, and eventually, after a long time, it got better. But then the pandemic hit and we were all forced to do online classes and all this confidence vanished and i'm back at having panic attacks when surrounded with people, and of course since it's a relapse in bad habits i took it as a very violent hit and i feel like i've done hundreds of steps back.

Even on socmed i tend to panic a lot. I can grow extremely paranoid due to having been bullied in the past and if i have any reasons to think i could get targeted even on something that's factually wrong or impossible, i would freeze and disappear for a bit.

My confidence online is a lot of mix of fake it until you make it and eventually slowly but surely expend what i'm comfortable with.

When i started on tumblr, i wouldn't message anyone, even in anon, it was freaking me out! now, i tend to do it more easily. I think starting out with anon, trying to connect and see that the person respond just well, can help a bit boosting your confidence.

But it's not a one shoe fits it all process. I would love to be able to say the same for online class: to try to bear through it, take a deep breath, let yourself go with the flow, that if you can you could start with like only one interaction by classes and eventually you'll be more comfortable interreacting more and all of that... but those are all advices i already cannot really do myself for my own situation, so to me they ring hollow and i'm not sure it'll be able to help you out.

So i'm really sorry, i don't know if i can really help you there :(

Just coming back on the idea of trusting someone you barely know on tumblr more than a classmate, i think it's actually much more fair in general. Classmates are generally people you're stuck with regardless of how much you connect with them. You have similar experiences due to the classroom life, but any other type of connection is either a coincidence or the result of long conversations opening up to allow this person in hoping they'll accept you.

Contrary to class, you have no obligation to reach out to me, yet you connect with me because you know we have similar things in common. It means we're much more equipped to have similar sensibilities over what affects us or not, and an understanding of sort. Obviously i don't mean it in a way of "we like the same things so we're besties", absolutely not ahah, i just mean it as like, there's a connection (as minimal as it is) that isn't an obligation which means it feels easier. Plus you do have the opportunity to hide yourself with anon (which i totally support especially as you're getting used to talk with people) which means you can be a little more at ease about not being put on the spot.

Reaching out to people on social media can be a lot easier than people you know in real life by a long margin. But truly as i said, there was a time just sending messages in anon would petrify me. I think you're already doing this type of work upon yourself of trying to manage your anxiety by seeing how you can work around it and whom you're willing to extend those attempts with. I think in itself it shows a willingness to eventually move forward at your own pace, step by step.

All i mean by that is that, there's a lot of credits to be had with your behavior and i hope you aren't cut yourself short.

I'm sorry i can't give you proper advice, but know i'm cheering for you and i truly hope you'll manage to get through it. If anything, you have my sympathies because i know completely what you're talking about.

I'm cheering for you o7

Take care!

[e-m-p-error]

🎧

Peek into my muse's playlist!

I'm gonna do two songs from each playlist!

[ Dario ]

Groundbreaking - Anger

I'm back again I lost myself well that's okay I'll find the end I clench my teeth in my sleep Here at twenty fucking three I still don't know what's wrong with me Here's to another year of empathy

Thought of burning everything I try to make it drown But everything I've thrown at it It swallows it all down I punch the walls and scream at them But they keep closing in Well nothing seems to work so then I give up getting out I quit

Do you believe in destiny Do you believe in fate

Hollywood Undead - Kill Everyone

You got the motherfucking right to remain violent! Hollow points hiding in my clip I'll take 25 just to watch your life end I pray father please forgive me 'fore I sin Got these sticks of dynamite and dying to light them God don't fail me now Get thrown and you gon' get carried out To a hole where I know you won't be found Just face it it's almost over now

Don't even try to take this weapon from me I like you more and more the lesser you breathe

I've come undone I think I'll kill everyone My, what have I done? Fuck it let's kill everyone

[ Valentino ]

Falling In Reverse - Just Like You

I've felt so lonely for the longest time (uh huh) They tell me that I'm such a lovable guy (yeah, right) Could it be because I'm off my meds? Or could it be just something I said?

You don't wanna be Too close to me 'Cause you might see my broken heart

I am aware that I am an asshole I really don't care about all of that though I'm living my life The way that I want to And you can't deny That honestly I'm just like you

Angelspit Feat. KMFDM - Kill Kitty

I said I gave a shit but I lied My apron says Illuminati child

Kill kitty, kill kitty, kill Claw up to the top, hell-born animal Kill kitty, kill kitty, kill If you wanna see your pretty face on a dollar bill

You love my punishment, I love the glamour Now you're all tied up and I got a hammer My cup is full with sweet iniquity And you thought I was a lady

[ Velvette ]

Night Club - Schizophrenic

One voice says to like the pain Of being next to you The other likes to fuck my brain Tells me to run from you

So help me, help me, have you seen My mental stability? I think I need a pill to keep my sanity Don't wanna be an addict But I'm feeling so

Schizophrenic Schizophrenic Schizophrenic Schizophrenic

Girls Love Shoes - Bad Girl

She's got a twinkle in both eyes She's calculating your demise She covers up her lies with lies She's so

The pretty poison of her taste The innocence she's painted on her face She's made of latex, not of lace She's so

She's a bad girl She's a bad girl She's a bad girl She's a bad girl And that's why you want her That's why you want her

[ Vox ]

Rabbit Junk - Bits And Razors

Bits and razors cutting to the bone Bits and razors put me in the zone Bits and razors in all their toxic flavors Metaphysical, liminal, a hellraiser Wake up a different being Able to see all the things I've been missing Shift into a parallel world Where I thrive instead of just existing It's on the edge of my cognition Breaking out of this self-made prison

Explode singularity Break the cycle, break the reliving Reclaiming the energy Break the cycle, break the reliving Break the cycle, break out the bits and razors

Steve Aoki Feat. grandson and Jasiah - Kult

I got the weight of the world on my back It made me slip right through the cracks It caused a chain reaction Now I escape to a world here with you Up is down, red is blue We see through all the distraction

Maybe I should join a cult At least they'll tell me it's not my fault That the world's a fucking circus That my life feels fucking worthless Maybe I should join a cult At least they'll tell me it's not my fault When it all comes crashing down We'll see who's laughing now Now

[cosmictulips]

Happy Birthday to meee and what I've learned as I turn 26 lol

I thought long and hard about how i wanted to come on here and proclaim it's my birthday. i write daily in a journal and... well, i realized that there are certain things I had wished I had known about life before i went through them. because to be fair, you don't...really expect to go through them. and I know i have younger followers. and i know that perhaps in this life, you won't go through what I did. but I'd like to share them anyway.

alsoooo... if you guys wanna help me get my own birthday present and help me get concert tickets to a show ive been waiting for since i was 14..that would be cooolllll lolol. (it's like 50 bucks) so yea let's... talk about it.

from Star Commander, to Cadet.

My dearest Star Cadet,

the biggest thing I wish someone told me is that Healing will often make you feel hollow, alone and uncared for. it'll make you question why the world put you in that position to begin with and often times you will just have to accept that the world is cruel. and sometimes, we are merely victims of circumstance.

You'll have to swallow your pride a lot and people will often take your voice from you. and no matter how much you push, sometimes the world just doesn't want to hear it from you . and you'll have to be okay with that too.

No one told me love was so fucking hard. to this day I still don't understand it. it's so easy for me to love people, and people always seem to have the hardest time loving me. No one told me that with each argument, people let go a little more. not everyone wants to see the "bad" emotions. not everyone cares.

Love fades sometimes. but that doesn't mean love wasn't there to begin with. it just means it has to change to something new. something different. and that includes both love inside of yourself and outside.

Even when you're right, you're still wrong. there's always something to learn in a given situation. and being humble about it will often help you see the other side. But also, you shouldn't be afraid to get cocky. you should express your emotions and let others see you for who you are. emotion is what connects us. and living in a society that shames for you it, is only doing more harm than good. so get loud and proud. or be quiet and humble. express who you are. you have the right to.

Just... understand the consequences ;)

That being said... people are cruel. unintentionally and intentionally. they'll tell you one day they love you but then a month later demand that you leave because you're crazy. people will literally light the match to your hell and then wonder why you can't lower the flame.

and when you do finally free yourself and you see all the ash, they'll try to gaslight you. try to help you again. don't fall for it like I have time and time again. they never change Star Cadet. they never will.

Things always get better. this time last year or so I was contemplating.. dying. to keep it short. I knew things would get better eventually but I've been saying that my whole life. things are not stable by any means but... at least now I'm not on the street.

no matter how small the change is, it always gets better.

Exercise may suck some ass for those of us who aren't really active. but really learning how to do a particular exercise or sport makes it a hell of a lot more fun and is a lot more enjoyable. I didn't think I'd ever like sports or working out but then i was actually taught some things and now I actually enjoy doing it.

that being said, walking will get you far as well. you don't need anything fancy to get started or ... to just do. walking helps. a lot.

The relationship with yourself is weird. weirder than relationships with other people. it's never a straight line. you'll yell at yourself, cry for yourself and be your own parent. and you have to be. you need to take care of yourself. and that's not always a happy ice cream filled day. sometimes it's sitting in your bedroom crying and other days it's being angry at yourself.

always always always trust what your gut is telling you. if you feel for a second that something is off, trust it. I didn't, and for years people abused me. and I always knew but I tried to look at it differently. Don't fucking do it. people show themselves in more ways than one. and if you hear alarm bells in your head, run the first time. trust me, you're not missing out on much.

Dreams! ... I had such big dreams for my future and no one told me that sometimes those dreams just don't work. no one told me just how much money dreams would cost and if you didn't get that helping hand, it's going to be even harder.

my dreams have somewhat changed. and I had to heal a big part of myself because I learned that i just wasn't meant for one of them. a part of me will always be bitter because maybe if I just had more money it would've helped. but now that I look back at it, the signs were all there.

It's okay to mourn lost dreams. it's okay to mourn the "What if's" and the things that will never be. just... don't let it slow you down. walk fiercely into your new dreams. I did, and I'm much happier for it. I found my people. I found you guys through it.

and I don't think I would've had I stuck to the first dream and not be adaptable.

And that's my last thing for you guys,

be adaptable. life comes at ya fast. and no matter how stubborn you are.. it will force you to change. whether you go peacefully or not, that's up to you. i've done it in every which way and trust me, just go with it the first time you see a change coming.

ALSO. spiritual shit is hard. learning to be intuitive and waking up that part of yourself. it takes years. some of us are lucky to have it more open as children and just naturally. but the rest of us have to work on it. don't doubt yourself though. your journey is your journey and you'll look back at it someday and realize just how far you have come.

think of your journey as ... like... school. it took you years and years to understand math or whatever your native language is. and your spiritual journey is really... just the same.

as always. be kind to yourself. the world is already cruel enough to you as it is.

[the-sundry-system]

lyrics i'm feeling

But you love me, you love me Why the hell you love me so When you could have anyone else?

- Ed Sheeran, Best Part of Me

~~~~~

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah, you bleed just to know, you're alive

- Goo Goo Dolls, Iris

~~~~~

Sea and the rock below Cocked to the undertow Bones, blood and teeth erode With every crashing node

Wings wouldn't help you Wings wouldn't help you Down Down fills the ground, gravity's proud

...

Won't, won't, won't, won't Won't let you talk me Won't let you talk me Down Will pull it taut, nothing let out

- St. Vincent & Bon Iver, Roslyn

~~~~~

Dirt on your heels, you've made a mess Down by the carpark, high off your head Honey, don't worry, nobody's angry at any of this Darling be patient, stare into the vacancy, take a deep breath

It's like when you're tired, you're someone else Don't speak for some time to find those words inside yourself Honey, don't worry, I'll do your laundry, covered in dirt Darling, be patient It's easy to break beneath the weight of the Earth And I'll say

Always, I'll wait For sharp glass when you break I'll be the light that you can't make I'll be your eyes, you be my face 'Cause darling, I get scared for you And I'm not busy anyway

- Noah Kahan, Anyway

~~~~~

When you hid under my black wings They couldn't have protected you from anything Once in flight they would have let go You would have once again wound up below Only broken

Indeed, it's wrong to keep you near me One could call me cruel and deceiving But in your sacred air I am full of light Your loving arms are the true delight To which I'm lost

- Tamino, Persephone

~~~~~

I just left your bedroom Give me some morphine Is there any more to do?

Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door Hoping you'll come around Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor Maybe we'll work it out

I gotta get better, gotta get better I gotta get better, gotta get better I gotta get better, gotta get better And maybe we'll work it out

- Harry Stiles, Meet Me In The Hallway

~~~~~

There's nights we had to just walk away (ooh-oh, ooh-oh) And there's tears we'll cry, but those tears will fade (ooh-oh, ooh-oh) It's a price you pay when it comes to love And we'll take what comes, take what comes

- Imagine Dragons, Walking the Wire

~~~~~

Anxiety, tossing, turning in your sleep Even if you run away, you still see them in your dreams It's so dark tonight, but you'll survive, certainly It's alright, come inside, and talk to me

- Cavetown, Talk To Me

~~~~~

We're all falling and we need a place to hide A safe place somewhere in the woods we can start the fire All we know is what would be our home We will stay 'til the break of dawn

- Hollow Coves, The Woods

~~~~~

This situation's becoming dire My treehouse is on fire And for some reason I smell gas on my hands This is not what I had planned This is not what I had planned

- Twenty One Pilots, Forest

~~~~~

Release me from the present I'm obsessing, all these questions Why I'm in denial That they tried this suicidal session Please use discretion When you're messing with the message man These lyrics aren't for everyone Only few understand

- Twenty One Pilots, Message Man

~~~~~

I feel the burden now It's weighing down my soul And I can't catch my breath 'Cause these demons follow I've been Running and running and running and running away I know they'll catch me Running and running and running two opposite ways Two opposite ways I can't let my past catch me now, me now I can't let my past drag me down, me down

- Munn, I Lost Myself

~~~~~

I saw a ghost on the stairs And sheets on the tables and chairs The silverware swam with the sharks in the sink Even so, I don't know, what to think I've been longing for Daisies to push through the floor And I wish plant life would grow all around me So I won't feel dead anymore So I won't feel dead anymore

- Owl City, Plant Life

~~~~~

Picture yourself in a room full of broken glass Blood on the pieces, the pieces you can't put back A little white light in a sea gone black My head is a room and the room's full of broken glass

...

Take me home when I lost myself Love me better than I love myself Well, my head is the room and the room's full of broken glass Take me home when I lost myself Well, my head is the room and the room's full of broken glass Blood on the pieces the pieces you can't put back

- SYML, Clean Eyes

~~~~~

Don't pray for me 'Cause I'm about to sink I'm afraid to break your heart again I'm tired of fighting My demons from within It's a war that I might never win

- Declan J Donovan, Numb

~~~~~

Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind 'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died And I'm tryin' too hard but I can't not try Well, I can't fall asleep and I'm losin' my mind 'Cause it's half-past three and my brain's on fire (brain's on fire) I've been countin' sheep but the sheep all died And I'm not dead yet, so I guess I'll be alright

- AJR, Way Less Sad

~~~~~

It's for the best you didn't listen It's for the best we get our distance, oh, oh For the best you didn't listen It's for the best we get our distance, oh, oh

- fun, Some Nights

~~~~~

[lotr-mkg]

Prologue Recap 2/2

“Good morning! Good afternoon! Good evening, everyone!”

Freyja summons the contestants back to the Boreal Tryst's sundeck to kick off Love on the Rocks, with her first order of business being to score the icebreakers that the cast has been filling out for the past several days.

"Looks like we got some fierce competition! Was it the passion of love that made you guys so eager to fill this out? Put a little pep in your step? I know it does mine. This won't take me too long to put together and decide a winner. Sit tight for a second, ok? I’ll be done in a j—!”

Her voice abruptly cuts off.

“I’ll be done in a ji—!”

She takes a second before she attempts the line again, repeating her contemplative movement in a cycle. But when she tries it this time, it sounds… Off. Not just off, but strange. Weird. Uncomfortable, almost, as her pitch drops and becomes distorted to the point of being completely intelligible.

“I̸̽̽'̸̀͒l̷̈̊l̶͌̈́ ̵̉͠b̷̌́e̵͒̓ ̴̀̉d̸͖̃ȯ̷͝n̶͛̕é̶͠ ̷̈́͗i̵̎͘n̵͋̌ ̷̂͒a̷͒͊ ̷̈́̕j̶̋͝í̴͐f̷̺̉f̸̂̋y̴̻͝!̸̑͗”

While many of the contestants look on in confusion, some more concerned about the program's well-being than others, a few attempt to gain Freyja's attention.

She doesn’t respond no matter what you say or do to get her attention. In fact, if anything, it looks like your attempts only make it worse. Almost like repetitively left clicking a frozen browser page. Not only does she remain stuck in her two-frame, chin-tapping buffering motion, but her pixels become grainy and glitched in the process. This doesn’t last for too much longer though, because just as it happened, her hologram shuts off all together, and you’re left just… Standing there. No explanation for what happened, let alone why it happened in the first place. You could pass it off at some sort of elaborate joke if you really wanted to - if it puts your mind at ease - but when there is a slow but drastic shift in the ship's course of direction, the fact that something is very, very wrong can’t be ignored. Water in the pool and jacuzzi slowly begins to tip to one side from the sudden change in momentum, the unbolted chairs on the deck slide, and, if you’re not careful, you could very well join them. Thank god for the rails.

With Freyja missing in action, the Boreal Tryst barrels towards land, eventually striking a number of rocks along the shoreline before coming to a stop. The contestants go uninjured, save for maybe a few minor bruises from stumbling around, dazed, confused, and angry about whatever just happened.

Among the chaos of their shipwreck, they're able to spot buildings in the distance. Hoping they've lucked out on being dropped near civilization, the contestants safely climb their way down the escape ladder and make their way towards what appears to be a small town, hoping they'll be able to call the producers and explain what happened.

... A small town that's entirely abandoned, unfortunately.

The streets are filled with hollow and dilapidating buildings, with no signs of life in sight as the light dusting of snow crunches underneath their feet.

Suddenly, a familiar upbeat voice cut through the cold.

“Hello? Hellooo?”

A small display of Freyja pops up from each one of your watches, speaking in unison.

“Oh, gosh! That was so weird! My body felt all tingly and numb… My head got all dizzy... Or, it would have if I had a body that could feel tingly and numb, and a head to get dizzy in the first place. Haha!”

Questions about their circumstances begin to rise. What happened? Where are they?

"Luckily, I do know where you are, Liezel! A liiittle isolated coastal city way up north of Norway called Forsetalundr." She giggles before leaning in, like she's whispering. "Kind of cozy, isn't it?"

“My sensors are telling me that the cabins in the ship aren’t being fed heat anymore… But that’s nothing to worry about! I’ve found a nearby motel for you all to stay in, and I even took the liberty of assigning you some new roommates for a change of pace. You know, since, um, you’ll prooooobably be here for a while!”

“I guess I could [also] send out a radio signal on an open channel to ask for help, buuut… I don’t think I’m gonna do that! If someone else shows up to save you guys, that would ruin the whole show, you know? Since the whole point is to see what you guys do without other people interfering, right?”

The group begins to grow irate. What is she talking about?

"... Oh! I know this one. That sounds like disappointment, doesn't it? Anger, maybe? I know it's not super ideal, but I've been told that people say the show must go on, or something! So, we're going to keep playing the game, okay? Buuut, if you really want to go home, you can always d̶̦̚ì̴̅v̴̻̄o̵̩̕r̴̛̼c̴̆̍e̶ someone."

"It'll break my heart - and theirs, I’m sure - but if you d̶̦̚ì̴̅v̴̻̄o̵̩̕r̴̛̼c̴̆̍ẻ̶̗ one of the other contestants without getting caught, you'll get closer to me signaling for help! How do you divorce someone, you might ask? Welllll, it's simple, really!"

"You k̸i̵l̶l̸ them, of course!"

"It'll be so romantic, but so tragic! You've all read Romeo and Juliet, right? Star-crossed lovers, pulled apart by the claws of death..."

"Oh! But I know that's pretty vague, so I went ahead and updated your guidelines on your RIMEKEEPERS with more information on how it'll work. Do me a favor and read those over, will you? Thanks!”

The contestants read over the updated rules provided by Frejya, naturally outraged... well, save for a certain Shinya, who seems pretty amused by the whole thing. Hey, this isn't what they signed up for at all, is it?

As her last order of business before disappearing, Freyja finally seems to remember what started all of this-- The icebreaker! But what she adds seems... a little different than your standard dating show fare.

“Since we're probably going to be stuck here for a while, we'll need some new ground rules, since this isn't the ship, right? Our three winners of the icebreaker - the person with the highest score and two runner ups - will be this rounds very special lawmakers. They worked really hard, so I figured they would be best fit to set the bar for this lawless town. Like sheriffs back in the days of cowboys!”

“They’ll get together and discuss one rule to set into motion, for better or for worse. This rule could potentially only help them, or help the entire group if they’re feeling generous. Either way, it won’t be easy. It’s a lot of responsibility, and it’s hard to make everyone happy! I’m sure they’ll do juuust fine though.”

Before anything else can be said, her display on your watch flickers off, and you’re one again felt with how you started — alone, together. Is this… really what you all signed up for? Being stranded in a desolate town, being held hostage unless you’re compliant, and being forced to kill one another if you ever want to leave? Is this Love on The Rocks?

[freddieslater]

Rowing the Rarepair Rowboat: Rory Gilmore x Tristan Dugray (Gilmore Girls)

Requested by @leighpeterson

"We don't have to go." It might be the fifth time Rory's said those words in the last ten minutes. Maybe five.

She's sure it's clear to both of them that they're less of a comfort for Tristan and more pleading with him for her own sake. His smirking smile in response is telling her she isn't doing too well.

"Seriously, it's not a big deal," she lies through her teeth. "My grandparents won't mind us missing the dinner. They know your parents, and your grandparents. Why do they need to know you?"

"Rory Gilmore," Tristan stops walking, hands still stuck in his pockets, his voice teasingly slow, "are you ashamed of me?"

Rolling her eyes and sighing, Rory stops with him, and admits, "I'm just worried."

"About what?" Tristan asks, dropping the act at least partially.

"All of this!" she says, gesturing her hands around them wildly. Between them. "About this. I'm not a good liar. It's hard enough pretending around my mom, but my grandparents? They're gonna think we're in a serious commited relationship, and then they're gonna hate me when we go through with the breakup because they probably already love you, but after tonight, they're going to be planning out our wedding and my baby shower!"

"Oh, have we picked names yet?" Tristan asks, straight-faced. "Because I, personally, love Dean. A fun inside joke to tell them and, someday, the grandkids."

Rory stares at him, incredulous as she just barely regains her breath from the train she chased down the spiralling track in her mind.

"You're so not helping right now."

Tristan laughs, honest to god laughs, like he's having a great time. She's suddenly having flashbacks to the halls of Chilton, seeing him in that uniform, probably leaning against a locker. And teasing her like the idiot he was and still appears to be, only now they're all grown up.

"This was your idea," he reminds her.

"And it was a terrible one!" She throws her hands up. "I admit that! I didn't think this through at all, I just--I just panicked when I saw Dean in New York, and you were right there, and I don't know why but I thought that saying we were engaged made sense, okay?"

"Made sense even though this was the first time we had run into each other since I left Chilton?" Tristan teases again, that grin still perfectly settled on his face.

Rory groans. "Okay, now you're making it sound worse. But, I didn't exactly think that Dean would be going back to Stars Hollow the same day, or that he and Jess were all that close for them to discuss it, or that Jess would tell Luke, and then Luke would tell my mom, okay? It's just a whole big unpredictable mess, and I'm sorry I dragged you into it."

She drops her face into her hands, scrubbing the heels into her eyes to relieve at least a sliver of the tension building behind them and in her temples. It's been a week-long headache and she has a feeling it's about to become a month-longth migraine.

"Hey, you didn't drag me," Tristan says, voice gentle now. He pauses when Rory drops her hands and looks up at him. "Okay, so you kind of did. But, I agreed to pretend we were in a relationship to keep the cover until we could properly "end things", so I promise you that I would not still be here if I didn't want to be."

Rory sighs. She wants to believe him, and she does. But maybe it's just too much. It was a stupid, pointless, immature lie in the first place, and now it's getting out of hand.

"And this is helping me, remember?" Tristan adds, tilting his head to recapture her eyes.

He shoves his hand back in his pocket with a shrug.

"This way, I don't have to admit to my parents that my real girlfriend who they had their hearts set on for a daughter-in-law dumped me because I got fired. Or that I got fired. They'll be far too interested in you as a fan of the Gilmores to question anything else."

"Gee, no pressure," Rory says sarcastically, rolling her eyes. But she smiles, and admittedly, it doesn't feel like such a bad idea when she knows it's benefiting someone.

"Well, maybe not for you, but I've met your grandparents and I am terrified," Tristan jokes.

"Oh, you should be," Rory says. "They have not liked a single one of my boyfriends, never mind me just springing a fiancè on them. You saw my mom's face. Imagine that but twice as hostile."

Tristan looks a tiny bit more worried at that thought, but he brushes it off.

"I'm not worried," he says. "But, uh... does this mean we're actually going to the dinner then?"

Rory thinks about it for a moment. Her options aren't good either way, but from past experience, ripping the band-aid off quickly is better than just ignoring it entirely and hoping it'll peel itself off.

"You say we've been engaged three months and were dating for seven before that," she tells him firmly with a pointed finger, starting to walk again. "No more, no less, or my grandmother will be furious. And we have to stick to the exact same details that we told my mom."

Tristan grins, falling back into step beside her. "Noted. But can we agree this time that I proposed in France? Because, it was a bit awkward last night when your mom asked and I said France while you said Denmark."

"I panicked!" Rory defends. "This is why we discuss things, but oh no, you said there was no point!"

"Well, we're discussing now."

"Fine. France it is, but I swear, if you tried to pull an Eiffel Tower proposal on me, I would've said no."

"Got it. No Eiffel Tower."

[manikrege]

I reached out to the kid I bullied in school. It hurt like a bitch.

Moving places makes you realize how badly humans need closure. How hard we strive for the chapters of our lives to open & end neatly, one by one. And how much we hate cliffhangers, incomplete pages, or vague endings off the screen.

I tried to seek my closure yesterday. Because I'm moving away from the neighborhood I grew up in. Don't worry, it's nothing I'm going to miss. School sucked for me, as it did for most 'studious' kids.

Fat, nerdy, weird, and a bit on the 'girlish' side, it was like this boy entered the class wearing a cap that said, "Your new favorite target." Of course, the cool kids ganged up & left me broken. I felt all alone like a wet puppy abandoned in the rain.

So like a dog, I learned survival, the ugly way. I bit back, chewed on smaller prey. And before I knew it, became the very thing I hated the most. A bully.

Roy, let's call him that, had the same awkwardness that had made me a target. His only disadvantage was that he didn't want to fight back. This allowed me to slowly strangle him, one taunt at a time.

It started out as lame jokes that you'd expect from any teenager. Calling him "gay," laughing at his curves, making him feel unwanted. This graduated into mild jabs & punches. And then finally, one day, the five of us spent 2 straight hours 'roasting' him, stepping on every last piece of his self-confidence that we could find on the floor.

Turns out, he'd had enough & his father was at my door with an audio recording of what we thought was sublime standup comedy. I felt ashamed but cried victim, pushing the blame back onto him. Tit for tat.

We stopped playing with him after that day. He had become a traitor. I don't know if he found that liberating. And if he did, I can't imagine how fucked up that would be ... feeling happy to finally have no one you can make memories with.

I went abroad and forgot about Roy. Until yesterday when we were packing up and I saw him pass by. Something snapped. Like an ice cube being run down my neck.

As someone who has been through so many changes in the last few years, I felt an urgent need to prove to myself that I'm no longer the person I was years in 2014. I wanted to leave this shithole behind for good.

So I messaged him on Facebook.

Dear Roy,

I won't ask if you remember me because I know you do. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for how I treated you.

There's no explanation. No my side of the story. No excuse. And they weren't just harmless jokes.

I bullied you badly and caused you a lot of pain. Practically ruined your childhood. And I don't know if you're doing better. I hope you are.

You didn't deserve any of the shit I gave you. I did it because I felt powerless myself and needed something to fill that hollow space in my days.

We moved out yesterday & I wanted you to know that I'm aware of my mistakes and although I can't change the past, I am working to heal, both myself and others. I'm part of some NGOs that help poor kids in Majiwada. I do regular activities to put a smile on their faces.

Again, I know this isn't enough or even related but I hope someday you can forgive me. Even if you can't, I understand. And I really wish that you find love, happiness, and peace wherever you go - yes you do deserve those things. I was wrong.

Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Thanks.

He responded with that "blue thumbs up" icon. That's all. I didn't push it, either. We didn't have a heart-to-heart conversation to go over everything. I'll probably never see him again or know how he turned out to be. It just is.

So did I get my closure? As I unpack in my new room, I'm not sure if it matters anymore. Because I think human relationships are much messier than we let on. You cannot just file them into chapters.

Sometimes they'll end abruptly.

Sometimes they'll reappear again and again, unexpectedly.

And sometimes you'll find new meanings every time you go back to old pages.

More importantly, you cannot just erase the damage you do to people. You cannot say sorry hoping everything will be forgotten and forgiven. The harsh truth about scars is that they never really heal.

But someday someone will look at those scars you caused on people, and madly fall in love with them. Someone will find that pain beautiful. Someone will turn it into a source of strength and love. And you can take the first step towards making that happen - by just saying one word.

GET TO THE POINT- If you think you hurt someone, you're right 9/10 times because we're hardwired for empathy & kindness so the moment we give in to hate, our mind sends us a small hunch. So just say you're sorry. Not "sorry if I hurt you." Not "sorry but it wasn't my intention." Just. Fucking. Sorry. Own what you did. It means everything.

DON'T FORGET IT- Yes, it's best if you repent asap but even if it's 10 years later, admitting to your fuckups is the right thing to do.

DON'T EXPECT AN OK- Your sorry is about you choosing to become better. For the person in front of you, it represents lots of trauma, heavy baggage, and painful memories that they've probably suppressed or internalized. So they may not forgive you or even respond. Please respect their privacy & feelings this time. And move on.

Trust me, this was one of the hardest things I've done as an adult. That said, I think we all did stupid things when we were kids. I think we were all MADE TO DO stupid things by a select few who understood intuitively how war works. I think most of us were a form of entertainment. Puppets. Dogs in a fighting ring. Dogs trying to fit in, or be liked, or just be left alone.

Just realizing how insanely toxic this entire game was ... is probably the most obvious sign that you're growing up. I know I am. I'm actively working to be truer to the kid I was before they took him away from me. And I know it's not going to be some beautiful transformative journey away from my past like they show in the movies.

It'll be ugly, too painful to bear sometimes. Because I'll meet parts of me that I hate. Parts you'd hate if you knew them. Parts that I'd rather not be remembered for. But you know what?

Sometimes, the first step in conquering your demons is accepting that they exist.

That they make you but don't define you. That you have a choice to be kinder, sweeter, warmer. And the only thing that matters is whether you have the courage to make that choice even when the whole world is giving you a billion reasons not to.

Be that one reason everyone needs to heal.

[ellesjournals]

The Calm Before the Storm

The 10th day of January marked the last day of the break just before the start of the second semester. Following the not-so-good first semester of my freshman year, the second semester meant two things to me. First, it meant a new beginning, a chance to make up for my mistakes and for the times I failed myself, and an opportunity to apply what first sem has taught me. Second, it was a challenge, really. I won't deny that it's a lump pushing its way out of my throat, a hollow feeling in my stomach. It's scary, coming off from a really horrible month (or should I say sem) since I felt the need to bounce back and that I can't fail again.

In an attempt to calm myself down, I decided to fight my urge to stay in the comfort of my bed in my dormitory room. I strolled around the campus, ignoring the fact that though I like walking and observing lifeforms, I hate how every now and then, I have to face the perennial challenge of confidently crossing streets on my own. I brought a piece of yema with me, jokingly thinking that if I'd miraculously bump into someone I know, I'd give it to him. (Yes, I said "him".) I wore a white jacket, held my phone in one of its pockets and played some music through my earphones, and finally headed to the Acad Oval. I saw the trees exhibiting crown shyness, the empty benches, and the ice cream cart. I tried to slowly breathe and take in everything because I knew that after that day, I'd be experiencing a major change. College has its own state of nonpermanency: I have to take new classes, which meant new schedule, new professors, new readings and new set of faces to know. Even though I didn't like the first sem that much, I knew it won't be easy to grow out of something I'm used to. No more blockmates. No more routines my body has memorized. No more one and a half-hour or three-hour breaks in between, the ones that took me some time to figure out how to spend wisely. No more late Tuesday and Thursday classes. Somehow, I knew I had to re-learn many things again. That sunk in all at once: I knew it won't be the same anymore. I took in everything with that in mind, knowing that the next day, the campus won't be as calm again. The next day, should I choose to walk around the oval again, I knew I'd be seeing a lot more people and a lot more cars. It would feel more alive and though I love seeing signs of life, it would also mean there would be a lot of energy to absorb and sometimes it exhausts me. I like solitude.

I decided to write one last piece because I knew that when the sem starts, I won't have much free time anymore and besides, I knew I didn't really have a productive break for I had other things to do. It was also like my gift for myself since I know the feeling of accomplishment I get whenever I finish a piece, no matter how badly-written it is. So while going around the oval, I was trying to form a narrative, was jotting random concepts here and there until the storyline became somehow clear to me. My heart was heavy and I guess that translated to my writing because before I knew it, I already had something that is somehow sad. After I had keyed in all ideas, I wanted to settle down so I walked to the Sunken Garden, sat on the grass and started properly working on the piece. I came up with like a short scene in which the girl was narrating how she felt as she and the guy said their goodbyes, not knowing when they'll see each other again, unsure if the guy would even think about her ever in the future. I like capturing mood rather than exploring what happened (and I hope it was what my writings project).

It took me some time to finish it, but I was somehow satisfied that I actually got to finish it, that I didn't have to let it sit for like five days before I reopen it in a time when I'm not in the momentum to write about it anymore. I stood and went to the other side of the Sunken Garden, and read my draft again, just wanting to see it with fresh eyes, and correcting minor errors that I found. I sat on one of the benches, browsed through my gallery, edited a photo I could attach to it when I'll post it, and decided to walk back to the dorm. I was feeling fine. Not the happy-and-energetic okay but just the okay okay, the I'm-not-gonna-cry okay. After all, I was feeling satisfied. And this is when one of my favorite moments happened.

I crossed the street, paying much attention to the car that was about to pass, running a little. When I successfully came to the other side, I was surprised to see a person, a friend who I really, really love. A surprise it is — he was the one I was thinking about giving the yema to. However, I ate the yema at the oval since I knew it was more impossible than possible to see him around that afternoon. So, back to the surprise — I saw him and for a moment, I thought my mind was messing with me. I thought I was thinking too much and my mind was tricking me into thinking he's there when he isn't. But it's real, he was really standing in front of me. He said that the figure of me using my phone looked familiar.

I was already thankful for that, he's so close to my heart and was one of the people who kept me sane during the very difficult first sem days. Seeing him, being in his presence, getting to experience knowing I have such a friend — that was enough for me. That already lifted my heavy feeling and I may have uttered a prayer of thanks. God must have known I needed that.

While we were walking, he asked me to sit down for a while and we settled in one of the benches in front of the College of Engineering building. We talked about a lot of things. He's a very academic man and is a little more mature than I am. The things we talked about ranged from me taking up chess class — a class he has taken during the previous semester (with him giving me a crash course even if I audibly said "ayoko sayo" when he asked me to play with him) — to the names of my siblings to the posture of people who are jogging. He was the one who took the lead, asking questions that he may seem to have pre-planned in his mind. After all, in our friendship, he's the more organized one. He was very patient, too. We reminisced some moments from our own highschool lives. Of course, we also talked about the upcoming sem and how we felt about it. We may or may not have joked about a few things in between our "serious" discussion. I felt less alone. I learned a lot from him, like I always do; I also learned a lot about him.

As a person who prefers to capture the mood more than the plot, I can't really tell all the topics we touched on, but I know I can tell how I felt. It was a rare feeling but I only know a few people who had made me feel like that. It felt as if I am in a dream. The world looked dreamy, hazy and bright; I felt like it was easy to forget I am sitting in a bench because everything felt light, as if I am floating. It was one of the few days when I am aware that I am smiling. It felt good, it felt comfortable, it felt right. Though we talked in a place which is basically just on the side of the road and vehicles and people were passing by every once in a while, it felt as if they are less important, that they are just part of the milieu. I felt very in the moment, which is odd since an unhealthy habit I have is the fact that I either think too much about the past or the future.

When it was already getting dark, we decided to walk back to our respective dorms (his was kind of adjacent to mine). It felt like the first semester, the nights when we were walking from our philosophy class, the times when we would have little conversation about our lives (though it was just mostly me ranting and telling him how tired I am). He's a very kind man. I knew I wanted to hug him that much because if you'd ever meet such a beautiful person, I swear that would be your first instinct.

When it was the time to say goodbye, I hugged him a little longer than usual because I knew it would be long before I'd get to do that again and also because I really, really do love him. I felt strong and I felt a little more ready for the second semester.

It was so satisfying to have hugged him like that. When we parted, I knew I miss him already, but it was the satisfied kind of missing him, not the I-wish-I-did-this-I-wish-I-told-him-that kind.

It was a fairly beautiful day. It was definitely the calm before the storm. I may or may not have thought about it before I went to bed that night; I still think about it now. | elle