#like u don't understand. their 20 year olds i feel like i have watched grow up!! i feel so emotional about them aging out lol

[larsnicklas]

[240210 pdx vs. sea] the portland winterhawks congratulate goaltender jan špunar after a win. špunar recently returned to the ice after an injury that took him out of commission for over two months; in the three games since his return, he has gone 3-0-0 while allowing just a single goal in each outing. špunar leads all whl goaltenders in gaa (1.70) and sv% (.934).

[the-good-bad-truth]

Is TikTok the worst social media ever created? I might be biased because I'm not on TikTok nor would I like to be. I do feel that every social media is bad but I feel TikTok specifically has a lot of hate or darkness to it. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes see TikToks whether they are posted on other social media that i do use like Instagram or YouTube. I also think one positive thing is there are some really cool and niche communities like booktok, decade, or thrift flip TikTok. However, I feel that there are certain communities or people in TikTok that are toxic. For example, that whole side where people will either fake or self diagnose with a mental disorder. There is also this weird, kind of creepy vibe I get when most dance or any challenges are very sexual or provocative. I'm not trying to say that people can't be sexy or be confident in their looks but it just gets a little weird when I see 13 yr olds making thirst traps to doja cat or talking about how they have a choking kink. At the same time, I remember when I was 13 and some of the kids in my middle school would be talking about having sex, doing drugs or drinking. Now that I'm 21 I look back on that and think that was pretty wild and these kids were trying to grow up way too fast. Another problem that I have with TikTok is the popular tiktokers. I just feel that some don't have a talent or provide any real form of content cuz they got popular cuz of their looks so they find other ways of fame like singing, modeling, or starting a clothing/skincare brand. I watched a little bit of the damelio reality show and watched a reaction to the hype house Netflix. I tried to understand and find something that was relatable but specifically hype house, most members didn't want to put in the work or would feel overwhelmed cuz of fame. There was this one clip, my sister pointed out to me, when Charli is having a meeting with her team of like 10 people and they lay out these binders of what her schedule is for each month of the year. Later on her mom asks the team if Charli is going to have time on her own to dance or learn a language. At that moment I felt like damn this teen girl who just thought itd be fun and cute to dance on an app is now turned into a business that she has to run and made it possible for her older sister who made fun of TikTok to go on tour with Big Time Rush. That's alot of pressure. I also think it's weird how their parents follow them everywhere and I'm all for family support but they go on vacations, follow a 20 year old Dixie on tour, events, moved the whole family to L.A. It just seems almost as if they are helicopter parents or living vicariously through their daughters. Overall, I feel that TikTok does have its good&bad but I think it depends on who it specifically benefits. If you are young, mostly white, attractive then you could reap the benefits. But if you're a smaller creator who's not in L.A then your talent/content can either be stolen by bigger creators or u will have a harder time pushing ur videos.

[thejoshuaglenn-blog]

You're a Good Boy, Charlie Brown

The key purpose of a Tumblr blog here is really a brain dump: logging thoughts, feelings, narrative and such is easier in long form than via a brief Facebook post that generates half a dozen "oh no, what happened" comments. As I'm writing this, most of it seems like bullet points and organized timelines. If you're looking for a TL;DR or current state of thoughts, it's the last section titled The Day After, and the Day After That.

A few days ago, Niko and I said goodbye to our first dog, Charlie Brown.

I'm not keen to chat about it a lot. There's more to process than I have time to type; most of it centers around being fair to myself and to Niko, taking the time to appreciate his life without beating ourselves up, and avoiding the overwhelming mire that grief can become.

Joining the Family

CB was a rescue, a hapless victim of the 2016 Louisiana floods and a happy-go-lucky participant in a "dog for a day" event hosted by a local shelter. I fully expected to rent him out for a day, give him a few great experiences, and return him. For myriad reasons, we never did bring him back to Pet Rescue by Judy, and he's been with us ever since.

At adoption, he was estimated to be around 4-8 years old. With a kicked-in shoulder that offset his collarbone and ribcage, some assorted dental issues, and other little signs of damage (cigarette burns, what the heck is wrong with people), it was tough to really gauge his age. That means he left this world at the ripe old age of something like 9-13, which isn't terrible considering all he'd been through.

Charlie Brown was the iconic good boy. He seldom barked, he never licked or jumped, and just wanted to be in the same room as his favorite people. He had a few toys that he cherished, never ripping them up, just carrying them with him from room to room and whining a bit, unsure of where he could store them for safekeeping. Apart from some separation anxiety issues and an occasional urge to bolt out the door and book it as far as he could, CB was by all accounts an easy first dog: more like a low-effort cat than anything else.

Slowly Falling Apart

Over time, the health issues increased. Intermittent but predictably regular upset tummy. Bad gums, bad teeth. Random gooey skin lesion. Eye ulcers. Since October, we've been averaging 2-3 unplanned vet visits a month — many incurring some hefty bills. We'd take out another credit card, find another financing plan, but it adds up. So does the emotional toil on the family; so does the anxiety toll on the dog.

You start to think about quality of life for the dog, you know? He'd had a few teeth removed to sew up his gums after they kinda detached and fell apart from his jawbone — so he couldn't chew anything hard. Couldn't even chew a tennis ball, which was the only toy he took interest in anymore. Couldn't have any fun treats like peanut butter or other soft chews, as his tummy would have bad flare-ups that usually ended up with him attached to an IV bag. After finally settling in and learning to play well with Atlas, Charlie Brown started to get pretty irritable whenever Atlas got frisky.

He still loved running around outdoors, and was in otherwise great health.

I can't tell you how guilty that makes me feel, even now.

Moving to Waltham

Before we left Orlando, there were so many crisis moments in emergency vet offices where Niko and I talked about how long he could ride this roller coaster. CB obviously was not a fan of vet visits: loved the staff, but was notably anxious and panicky when separated from us, and he had grown very loathe to the process of poking, prodding, and whatnot.

Shortly after moving to Waltham (he was a champ in the U-Haul), Charlie Brown had a severe colitis flare-up. He was losing so much fluid and was growing very lethargic over the day. Vets are hard to get into these days: with the sweep of "pandemic puppy" adoptions, the vet industry as a whole is saturated with demand, and practices are responding as best they can. There were just no emergency clinics available to us within 20 miles, except one that noted "we have no availability, but you can come and wait, and we might be able to see you in 4 or 5 hours." So we did.

It was a very late night. Charlie Brown came home with us with another round of the same antibiotics he'd been taking almost regularly since December for his assorted ailments, and some probiotics. The next day, CB seemed a bit better and brighter, and Niko and I went into the city for part of the day. We came home to find he'd had an accident, but it was just... blood. So so much. And he looked so in pain, so ashamed, so guilty, so anxious.

So we went back to the vet ER. It was another very late night. I didn't know how many of these late nights we could afford; neither of us knew how many of these late nights it was fair to expect Charlie Brown to endure.

Do you plan on letting a pet go after an extended crisis visit? Do you plan on letting a pet go in a time of relative peace?

Camping Analogy, and a Best Last Day

When you're off on a long hike, and you see daylight start to fade as the sun begins to set, you begin to think about finding a good place to set up camp for the night. It's abysmal to do this after the sun has already gone down: where you could have had preparation and structure, you have chaos by flashlight.

A dog's life is in your hands. You're his whole world: all food, adventure, pampering, challenge, treatment, and care come from you. More than anything, we wanted Charlie Brown to have a peaceful, restful life. Now that we started thinking about it, we wanted to be able to give him a peaceful, restful passing as well: not as the climax of another overnight crisis with injections and yelps and beeps and cowering and anxiety and fear, but in the still quiet of familiar sounds and smells.

His very last day was a great one. Fresh Pond in Cambridge: a massive stroll around a colossal lake with an absurd bounty of new smells, kind people, happy dogs, and a brisk New England breeze. He got to swim in a little side pond — that boy lived for jumping into random lakes. He ran around the broad field that is Kingsley Bowl, chasing a thrown ball the very very farthest his sad pop could throw it — and he brought it back. We bought him a steak. We told him how much he brought to our lives.

And then we waited.

Lap of Love is a sort of home delivery service of dignified passing for pets. There's more to say on that hour than I care to pen, but throughout the procedure, we never left him. Charlie Brown passed enveloped in our arms and laps and sobs and hugs.

The Day After, and the Day After That

The rest is just thoughts. Your head starts to feel like a coffee shop where your grief comes in, sits at a table with you, and unloads. You nod, listen, and wish them well. I hope I can keep processing this way — I find it helpful, and less overwhelming.

I wish he had been able to play with his tennis ball more. Since his jaw surgery — even out on Kingsley Bowl, nearly a month and a half after he should have been fully healed — any kind of chewing would cause renewed bleeding and pain.

I wish we had hugged him more. But truth be told, he didn't like hugs. They made him uncomfortable. So we gave him a hand to lay his head on, or a knee for him to pop his head upon, as often as he liked.

There were so many times I felt inconvenienced by owning a dog at all. They weren't the majority, but... now each remembered time feels like a splinter of selfishness.

I miss how familiar the back of his neck felt under my hand, just behind the ears, where the waves of fur meet and crash and make a long cowlick of foof and fluff.

His happy smile and his stressed smile were very similar, but you could still tell which was which.

I loved being there for him in thunderstorms.

When you think about it, we sort of were hospice care for him. We weren't his original owners; we just wanted the rest of his life to be painless and fulfilling. He had so many trust issues when he first came to us. And in the end, he loved anyone he met.

I miss feeling around with my feet to make sure I don't step on him on my way to bed. I miss setting my feet on the floor as I wake, stooping down, and giving his head a good squishy rub.

He never did get to see Boston snow. I mean... thousands of dogs never get to see snow. But I was really looking forward to sharing that experience with him.

I wanted so badly to bring him to a point of health, and then say goodbye when he was feeling well. Seeing him have his Best Last Day, part of me whispered "murderer" with cold accuracy, and I have a hard time shaking it. He was so happy — but between jaw bleeding after playing with a tennis ball, seeing him scratch his eyes that were starting to ache with ulcers again... I know the unbridled happiness came with the reality of his declining health.

Atlas was the best thing that ever happened to that boy. I know Charlie Brown was at least a little disgruntled that his easy-going day-to-day had been interrupted by a chompy puppy, but Atlas brought out the young pup in CB: ripping palm fronds to shreds, playing tug, playing tag, meeting new dogs with confidence and assurance.

I used to get so mad at my mother-in-law for feeding Charlie Brown cinnamon donuts. I wish I'd given him more. Heck, I wish I'd given him more peanut butter. I'm frankly surprised he hadn't died of peanut butter overdose years ago.

Where Charlie's health had limits, we kept going with Atlas. That might mean taking Atlas out to play with a ball or a tug toy, because CB couldn't. It breaks my heart now to think of Charlie at the glass door just watching it happen, all because he physically couldn't play the same. I know he didn't understand that.

We took him out to Park Ave maybe once or twice. I wish it had been more. Truth be told, it was the same as the dog park, though: he was kind of a loner. Loads of people or dogs made him anxious. So while I might idealize the past and wish he had sat at our legs for lunch after lunch at an outdoor thoroughfare, ... I think he would have been miserable. I think he would have rather just curled up at the base of the couch and dozed while we watched a show.

He was so trusting. I could just drag him onto his back and onto my lap for cuddles and a good tummy rub. No complaints.

He looked so gaunt these past few months. I keep looking at earlier photos, and I really didn't realize just how grizzly and drawn he had become lately.

I miss seeing him randomly waiting for me outside the bathroom door — or curled up on the bath mat while I was in the shower, having sneakily nosed the door open and wanting my company while I was rinsing.

For his first few years with us, he was incredibly playful. I've been going through old videos — it's like going outside just blew his mind, and toys were either for cherishing daintily, or thrashing about and throwing to oneself and gnawing. He lost that after a time. He regained it a bit when Atlas joined the party. But it still faded. I'm sure that's inevitable, but it makes me sad to see the early vibrant puppy in those old recordings, and how different he had been in recent months.

[virgil-is-a-cutie]

The Color of Passion AU!Miraculous Ladybug Headcanons

Color of Passion is a Mexican show, it's amazing. Check out a few clips in YouTube! The show starts with 2 orphaned sisters living with their older sister and her husband. The middle sister is jealous of her older sister and wants her hubby...and stuff happens.

In this au, Nathalie never was Mayura

Marinette and Adrien are married

Marinette is 24 while Adrien is 25

Marinette is 7 months pregnant

They live in a mansion that Adrien bought after leaving home

Sadly, Lila and Alya live with them because their parents kicked them out and Mari was fine with taking her old classmate Alya in but Lila pressured Mari to take the two of them

Lila is jealous that Mari and Adrien are married

Even more jealous when Alya announces that she and Nino are genna get married

She sneaks out at night to find anyone looking similar to Alya and takes pictures of her during a date to make it look as if Alya is cheating on Nino

Lila lies to Nino that Alya cheated on him and uses the pictures as evidence

This causes Nino to leave Alya alone at the altar

Alya, of course, is heartbroken and runs to Mari and Adrien's home in her wedding dress

Lila smirks smugly to herself to which Mari notices

Mari confronts Lila about it to which Lila denies that she had anything to do with Alya and Nino's wedding

They yell at each other and Lila tries to go to her room upstairs to which Mari follows after her

"YOU HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT! IF I CAN'T BE HAPPY THEN ALYA SHOULDN'T BE HAPPY EITHER!" Lila shouts to Mari

Marinette is gripping the handrails tightly

"Please Lila...LEAVE OUR HOME!" Marinette yells

Lila roughly pushes Marinette

Since Marinette was leaning against the handrails she's caught by surprise as it breaks

Lila watches horrified as Marinette falls from the top floor to the bottom one

Marinette lands on a glass table

Lila rushes to call an ambulance, not noticing that Nathalie saw everything

Adrien rushes home and sees the ambulance carrying Marinette to the ambulance vehicle and hops in to be taken to the ambulance

A few hours later, Lila, Alya, and Mari's parents arrive to the hospital only to meet a very worried Adrien

"She's gone into labor," he said weakly as he grips his hair before quickly making his way to Marinette's room

Everyone is shocked

A few more hours later and only Tom and Sabine stayed

Adrien walks up to them with red puffy eyes who smiles weakly at them

"It was...it was a girl."

Tom and Sabine are shocked before smiling softly

"What's her name?"

"Marianna. Marianna Dupain-Cheng," he says softly as he watches his daughter in the incubator.

Marinette sadly passes away

(In the show the three girls are all sisters and the oldest is married and preggers which the middle sister is jealous of and...I mean u can go to wiki to know what happens. Either way the oldest sister dies bc of middle sister. Idk why but the hubby of older sister marries middle sister) a few months later Sabine and Tom get a tired looking Adrien holding a 2 month old Marianna in his arms

"I...I can't...I'm sorry. Lila...Lila has been still living at the house and...I don't feel as if Marianna is safe at all with her there," he breathes out weakly

Tom and Sabine understand and agree to take care of Marianna

They know how Lila is and are disgusted with how much later on, a few months later, forces Adrien to marry her

When Marianna is 4 years old, Adrien informs her grandparents that to their shock...that Lila is pregnant

Of course, Lila and Adrien seem like a happy couple, but Lila knows Adrien prefers to visit Marianna at the bakery which she can't go to

Is very jealous of the baby, the one sign of the true love between Marinette and Adrien

Even if she and Adrien are married she's not satisfied and cheats on him behind his back

Ends up pregnant by one of her lovers and passes the child off as Adrien's

As both kids grow, Adrien spends more time with Marianna

Marianna

Her middle name is Chloé so her full name is Marianna Chloé Dupain-Cheng since Chloé actually became friends with Marinette

She has Marinette's blue hair, and Adrien's green eyes

Her hair reaches her waist

She is 5'3 tall

Loves to bake

Knows about her mom from stories from her grandparents and her dad

Has freckles

Personality is similar to Marinette's

Is single as a pringle

24 years old

Is of course the sweet child

Stays far away from her mother's old classmates children except her aunt Chloé and uncle Nino

Doesn't see Lila more than just a bitch

She kinda...kind of almost likes her half sister

Lilith

The daughter Lila had with one of her lovers

Her full name is Lilith Amanda Rossi Agreste

Adrien had taken Marinette's last name and Lila didn't want to take it so she kept her last name and gave her daughter the Agreste name to show she was "Adrien's kid"

Curly auburn hair that reaches her waist

Has dark green eyes

Is 4'11

Is 19 years old

Personality similar to Lila but she has anxiety and very secretive

Is sleeping with Allison's fiancé

Sees Marianna as a sister

But is somewhat jealous of Marianna and Allison

Is the problem child

Can tell that her father doesn't love her a lot

Allison

Is Alya's daughter

Is 20 years old

Is friends with Lilith

Is about to get married

Is an idiot like her mother who still trusts Lila

Adrien

Took Marinette's last name

Works at the bakery, gave up modeling

Hates Lila still

Was never told that Lila caused Marinette's accident since Nathalie was in shock and didn't exactly think anyone would believe her

Hates that Lila made Lilith be a model to which caused her to become closed off and wild

Lives at the Mansion, but sleeps in a separate room from Lila

Introduced Marianna and Lilith to each other when Maria was 11 years old and Lilith 6 years old

...they kinda got along

Till Lila filled Lilith's head with lies

Tag list: @vixen-uchiha @maribat-archive @mystery-5-5 @thebananathatwrites @let-me-perish @bluerosette23 @chibiphoebe @lenoreofraven @maribug-adrienoir @unholykrow @g-arya @hyperactivecherry @monkeebratz

Fun fact: there's a behind the scenes video in YouTube of the fall scene

....might make more idk since I can't remember much of the telenovela.

[pain-somnia]

(1)so, i've been re-reading AOY for like, the third time, and i just wanted to tell u how much i appreciate the way you write all of the characters. i feel like you approach them with empathy, or at least an understanding of some sort. like, you don't ignore their flaws or their virtues, you don't get viciously against or in favor of any of them. and even if your fic is focused on Hyde&Jackie and their relationship, u give depth to almost all of the characters,

(2) none of them could be replaced with a cardboard cutout, u know? and the dynamics in the group are fantastic, everyone matters to everyone in one way or another (although there are different degrees of closeness, of course). a long time ago i had started reading the eric/buddy fic u mentioned, and while it was well written and intriguing, i couldn't get past the first few chapters bc i can't handle fics that are too biased (not to say that it was bad, it just wasn't my thing).

(3) plenty of other t7s fanfics are biased too (to a certain extent), which is fine and completely normal, but idk, i just love that u seem to care for everyone at least a little bit. it's one of the things that makes AOY so compelling to me. i'm looking forward to what's next, especially bc i wanna know how Hyde&Jackie are gonna deal with their new-but-not-really relationship,

(4)and i NEED more Buddy&Fez, and Jackie&Donna. i also i have a good guess as to the ship you're gonna introduce, so i'm excited to see how you're gonna tackle them 👀. anyway, i didn't mean for this message to get so long lmao. hope you're doing well 💕.

First, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING MY WORK I’m in awe that you re-read it that much (I’m always in awe when ppl re-read my work)

I’m blushing so hard from your compliments. When I first came up with the idea to do this time travel fic I did mostly focus on Jackie and Hyde but then I started to think about the other characters and how Jackie isn’t entirely selfish and she is a compassionate person, so why shouldn’t relationships with other characters be mentioned or highlighted in some way?

(gonna try and put everything under the cut so I don’t clog up the dash but if it doesn’t work I’m so sorry)

Besides the fact that the show was about the group of friends, a huge bit of inspiration for giving more attention to the other characters especially having them do activities with each other especially outside of the basement actually came from my own years as a teen and into my early 20s. The zenmasters fandom is still really new to me unlike the sasusaku fandom so many don’t know about how I got really sick and lost the closeness I used to have with my irl friends due to my illnesses and inability to do all of the things I used to do with them. This is my way of capturing my love for my old friends in a way.

My home used to have the same feeling as Eric’s basement (every time my family moved my house was still THE house) and I was one of like three friends that were licensed (even up to our mid 20s) and I was the only one everyone fully trusted to drive. So in a way I was the Eric of our friend group especially when you add in my mom’s train of thought when it came to my friends and I which was that she would rather us eat everything in her fridge in kitchen and have her go broke feeding us than for us to be out doing stupid shit. It didn’t stop us from doing stupid shit but that was our life lol

we used to trespass into places (abandoned houses, abandoned asylum, parks and fields and lakes when they were closed at night), I had an ex that stole a golf cart from a security guard cuz it was there and the keys were in the ignition and we all fucking scattered when the guy showed up, we would fuck around at my house or another friend’s house and drinking and weed (and acid and shrooms) were usually involved (I was the mom friend so I always took care of everyone and was designated driver), we went to concerts even if we had to drive to other states and also went to Warped Tour almost every year until I got sick af. We would find the perfect places to watch meteor showers and hold bonfires at a friend’s house (although we did start a bonfire in a soccer field we had no business being in at that time at night).

And we would drive around for hours with no destination. We typically told our parents we were going bowling when we did and we never fucking went bowling lol

There’s so much that we did

This is all the energy of my personal experience being a teenager with access to a minivan and then my own car that really made me think about the T7S gang and even though I want to focus so much on Jackie and Hyde and their romance, I feel like I would be doing such a disservice to the friendships in the show by not having them be actual friends in the story.

I’ve had a friend abandoned by her mother and she moved in with a bf and we all helped her (I had to teach her how to cook rice in a pot cuz her bf didn’t have a rice cooker and my mom made sure she knew she could come live with us if she got fed up with her bf’s family) and my family has opened their home to my friend and her family when they were in between homes. I’ve had to help friends through bad trips. We’ve all had our hearts broken. Some of us have dealt with being queer and learning about our own identities and the struggle with finding out who we really are. I found out my father wasn’t my biological father when I was 20 lol

And we all had each other during those moments. Just like how the T7S gang had each other. So I felt personally invested in making sure to elaborate on moments where they were hanging out and being friends to each other.

And I know. God that fic. Whenever I re-ead that fic I actually skip a lot and my last re-read of it made me feel like I couldn’t read it again just because it is way too biased. Like it completely absolves a certain character of everything and I kind of lost it when Brooke had to apologize to him in the fic....I feel like, you should definitely be able to criticize things that you love and that it doesn’t take away any love to recognize the bad with the good.

Like right now I have to show some bias against Kelso for the part of the story but I keep editing it so it’s not complete hate against him. It’s just for this part of the story he is well just being him which is unfortunately ugly and it has to be ugly until he can grow. But I feel guilty about it lol don’t hate me too much for what he has to go through first

Jackie and Donna. I have such a weak spot for them in my fic mostly because for the longest time I didn’t really have many girl friends. I was always too much of a boy, too weird, too ugly for the other girls so I didn’t have someone I was truly super close with until I was in like 8th grade. And there’s this sisterhood with Jackie and Donna that I wish they did better. Like ignoring s8 completely, there just could have been more. But the sweet moments we got were amazing. I just feel like the writers knew fuck all how to make the girls proper friends without feeling like they were losing the characters and how they were.

i will probably be introducing that ship in chapter 8. I’m just struggling wrapping up the last bit of chapter 7 aka the January 31st part. I’ve just been staring at page 56 and wondering if I’m doing it right.

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

[waha-carana-blog]

Here’s a thread of some stuff that happens as you get older that folks don’t really talk about... (Most of this will be about emotional or interpersonal stuff, not necessarily “holy crap does your body break down and fast” stuff.)

—One day you will notice your friends are aging. It’s not bad, but it is a transition. Your friends will age at different rates. Sometimes their kids will look exactly like they did when you met them. This will make your heart ache in a lovely way. They see the same in you.

—You will go to concerts of bands you loved in high school and college - controversial, youth-oriented, angsts, anti-establishment bands - and everyone there will be old.

—You will likely look at photos of young you and marvel at how fucking luminously beautiful you were and remember that when that picture was taken, you hated how you looked more than anything else in the world.

—Teenagers will no longer see you.

—One day, you’ll realize that you haven’t shopped in/on a particular clothing store or site that you love and you’ll wander over to it and every item of clothing will suddenly seem completely foreign and perplexing in style.

—One day, you’ll realize that you haven’t shopped in/on a particular clothing store or site that you love and you’ll wander over to it and every item of clothing will suddenly seem completely foreign and perplexing in style.

—The trends of your youth WILL come back, just like your parents said when theirs did, but they’ll be slightly altered in color or cut or notions.

—You will likely forget huge chunks of your past — things that seemed like life or death at the time. Something will remind you, and you’ll realize how that hurt or fear melted away over time, and you didn’t even notice it go.

—Your friends will remember completely different shit from when you were kids that you don’t remember at all, and vice versa. Some of the stories won’t even sound like you. Because you’ve forgotten a bit of who you were then. This may be unsettling.

—If you kept a journal and you reread it, you may not like who you were in it. You may feel guttingly sad for young you. You may long to go back (likely not... but some folks do!). You may toy with destroying the journals. Some of you will.

—Some of your friends (or you) will have a legit mid-life crisis and you will see it happen in real time. And you will marvel that mid-life crises are real things that happen. And that friend will want to talk about their running/new car/affair and you’ll be so bored.

—You will likely be lucky enough to really know yourself now. To love the things about you that you hated for so long. You will still have problems, but you will have a better understanding of your core values and how to deal with them.

—Longtime friendships will often reach a level of comfort and understanding that you never expected or even thought to imagine. Other friendships may fade, but it’ll be okay. You may make new friendships, which will be liberating. They only know current you.

—Yesterday, in a meeting, I looked around the table, at all the grown-up, authority figure faces, and realized they’re probably all my age - “adult”. There will never be a magic moment when I become an adult in my own eyes but reality happened anyway.

—Younger folks may ask you for advice. And you have some! But it’ll feel weird because it reminds you when you felt that problem was insurmountable. You’ll want to tell them everything will be okay but realize they have to learn that themselves. (You tell them anyway.)

—You may physically not be able to do a thing you used to and loved to do, or it will become much more difficult. This will rock you to your core. It’ll feel like the death of a part of you. A core thing that made you, you. This will hopefully pass, but it’ll ache.

—When you talk about aging to an older person, they will likely tell you to “just wait...”. And this may scare you. Or it may make that youthful contrariness spark. But they’re usually right and you’ll say something similar when you reach that age.

—One day, you’ll get in your feelings and wax rhapsodic about the beautiful pain of growing older to a bunch of strangers on the internet. I mean, maybe. Hypothetically speaking.

As with everything, this thread cannot speak to or cover every persons’ experience, and I’d never expect it to. If your experience differs from what I’ve talked about, please feel free to add!

For reference, since the speculation is thick in here (and because vanity still hasn't left me), I'm in my early 40s.

—If you have been in a relationship for a while, your partner may lament getting older or looking different or some such. You don't understand--because in your eyes, that person is still a luminous being, and you are SO DAMN LUCKY to be together.

—You will watch those you love dearly pass away. You always had more plans with them and the timing is never, ever right. It sucks. It hurts. You sometimes feel so much pain, you don't know how to go on. But you do. And you find memories of them again in others.

—You will realize that romantic heartache has an expiration date, but not before spending what feels like years furiously aching.

—Here’s one that I wasn’t prepared for: You will start to meet people who are *younger than you* who remind you of your parents, or of other adults you knew as a kid.

—That day you remember being a teenager in a hurry to be an adult, and now you are wondering how much time you have left!

—You will suddenly realize that you have a deep instinct to feed people in their early 20s. And you will realize, while trying to articulate this, that you desperately want to refer to them as “kids.”

—You completely lose any ability to gauge another person’s age. High school seniors look like they’re either twelve, or thirty.

—One day the kids will be grown and the career is over, and you’ll wonder who you are.

—Your friends will start to gets sick, like really sick - more than one - and you will feel your mortality in a way you never have before.

—Time passes in a completely different way. You learn that the world does not stop for anything. No hurt, event or moment can stop it. It is painful and comforting at the same time. You will wonder about the people who did not survive being young and miss not seeing them age.

—You'll see someone younger ppl have a "brilliant plan to fix ___." You'll know exactly where it will fail and what can maybe be done to make it not fail, b/c you've had that idea. You'll tell them & hope for the best. They won't listen. You'll get no pleasure from their failure.

—You will hear your song, the song that meant everything to you when you were 17, and you’ll be instantly transported back to that place and time. The song will end and you’ll realize that you’re actually in the canned goods aisle at Safeway.

—You’ll see a pub where you used to go with a friend on Saturday nights, except that friend has passed away now, and the pub is being turned into 31 bespoke residences.

—You wonder when you’re finally going to have it all together like your parents did and then realize that your parents never really had it together either.

—You will reread books that totally transformed your young life and it won’t hold your attention long enough to finish it.

—You will one day find that u r now the steadying hand, the explainer of things, the support/maker of life altering decisions for your parent/s. You will wonder at when this reversal of roles happened. And you will need to remind yourself what a privilege this new role is.

—You will tell younger people about places (buildings, establishments, etc.) that used to be here and they will probably be bored by it.

—You will write poems and lyrics in your teens. You will destroy them in your twenties. You will regret this in your thirties.

—You begin to realize how much older you’ve become when one of your kids is having a tough time emotionally and it dawns on you that actually they’re going through a mid-life crises.

—If you’re like me and lucky enough to have been with the same person since high school, you both will be insecure about not looking how you did back then despite the fact that when you look at each other, that person you fell for is all you see.

—You'll notice your pets getting older - maybe they're less active, maybe they're getting fatter or thinner or more cuddly, or maybe their fur changes slightly. This will at the same time be cute and lovely, but also a stark reminder they might not be around much longer.

[skittles-pixie]

85 statements

R U L E S : you must answer these eighty five statements and tag twenty people

I was tagged by the always wonderful @essentiallychaotic​

I would like to tag: dude idk if I know 20 people to tag but ill try... if I tag you and you don't want me to please tell me @iridescentautistic​ @mybloodyplacemats​ @wanderer-and-muse​ @standswithpotatos​ @alaskanomad​ @melodychanges​ @happydance416​ uuuuuuh idk that's 7? lol @everyone that works right?

Part 1: the last:

drink: Twist up its a lemon lime soda... idk I asked my boy for a drink and that's what he brought me

phone call: My mother she woke me up two days ago

text message: to me- my mother.... from me- my coworker

song you listened to: Brittany spears toxic started playing on the radio when I got home from work

time you cried: Last night... combination of hormones and touchy feely movie... hormones suck...

Part 2: Ever:

dated someone twice: uh ive been on more than one date with my boy... otherwise my dating history is a little unclear... several guys who acted like we were dating and then refused to actually call it a date... so yeah idk...

kissed someone and regretted it: ooooooooh yeah.....  alcohol is bad for you kids......

been cheated on: nope... ive only been in the one relationship and I have a very loyal boy

lost someone special: yes... both in passing away and by loosing touch....

been depressed: been? as in passed tense... lol try still depressed... ive learned how to handle it though, and it helps to have an outlet that's not controlled by my mother, and people who care about me. and to not be told how terrible I am every 5 minutes.

gotten drunk and thrown up: I had a crazy 21st birthday.... after that I try not to get that drunk... but it happens on occasion... lol

Part 3: Favourite colours: ALL OF THEM!!! I really like colors.. though green, blue, and blood red are prolly my top colors...

Part 4: In the last year have you:

made new friends: yes.... more like my boy made friends and introduced me, but yeah I always meet new people

fallen out of love: Naw  I love my boy too much

laughed until you cried: yeeeeah.... I laugh a lot lol....

found out someone was talking about you: yeah apparently people talk about me a lot “oh yeah I know who you are” is a phrase I hear a lot when meeting people... also I guess my boy talks about me? but from what I hear people usually say good things

met someone who changed you: yeah ive spent some time getting to know myself better

found out who your friends are: yeah.... and in the process ive lost almost all of them, but I'm done trying too hard to get people to like me. I want to be invited out not just kinda sorta included but only if somebody else takes me. So yeah... long story short I found out that my friends are simply not....lol... I do still have the good ones though....

kissed someone on your facebook list: don't have facebook.... if I did it would prolly be yes though lol....

Part 5: General:

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: yeah still don't have facebook

do you have any pets: Theyre not really mine, but I live with 2 doggos

do you want to change your name: when I was little I wanted to change my name... I wanted something more pretty like rose or diamond.... but now I'm pretty happy with my name... would only change my last name if the occasion called for it....

what did you do for your last birthday: If I remember right I went to my physics class and then chilled in the empty cabin.... my boys aunt and uncle were visiting from Germany and got me a cake and a couple of presents... but on the actual day of my birthday I was pretty much alone... but birthdays are gross anyway

what time did you wake up: 1 pm lol... I'm too much of a night owl

what were you doing at midnight last night:  I was finishing my movie and playing with my phone... I wanted to snap about how the sunlight in Alaska makes fireworks a bummer for the 4th, but I was too lazy lol  

name something you can’t wait for: not having schoolwork.... I'm so glad to be done.....

when was the last time you saw your mom: may when she came up for my graduation... it wasn't too bad... she only put  me down once....

what are you listening to right now: bobs burgers.... my boys watching it

have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes.... I have a friend named tom.... we don't talk very often... but hes still my friend....

something that is getting on your nerves: my one coworker.... he pisses me off...

most visited website: tumblr.... or Netflix....

hair colour: blonde... which is kinda an ombre cause I dye it lighter and then let it grow out and then repeat so its always lightest on the bottem lol... though I'm trying to let it grow out for a bit...

do you have a crush on someone: my booooooooooooy (please read that in a super cheasy sappy sarcastic tone)

what do you like about yourself: that's a tough question... lol... But I like my ability to be stubborn... It helps me work hard to get what I want and be a better person.... and I get to prove people wrong which is great because so many people have told me that I would never really succeed because the odds were too stacked against me...

piercings: don't have any... have considered earings.. but nah....

blood type: yeah... no idea

nickname: cece ce Cebu skittles pixie.....

relationship status: dating and hopeful for the future cause this is a very good one...

zodiac: leo

pronouns: She/Her

favourite tv show: Gilmore Girls, buffy, charmed, x files.... idk I watch a lot of shows...

tattoos:  I absolutely love them... but my fear of needles and my indecisiveness mean that I don't have any nor any plans to get one... but I love henna... 

right or left handed: right handed when it comes to writing... but ambidextrous for just about anything else...

piercing: no.

sport: uuuuh I don't follow any major teams or anything... but I'm always down to watch baseball, basketball, hockey, or soccer... ill gladly play any sport but I'm sorely out of shape lol and I don't always know all the rules... football still confuses me...

vacation: everywhere lol.... but right now Germany, Ireland, las vagas, japan, or just taking time off to travel around Europe in general, are all at the top of my list.....

pair of trainers: ????? idk????

Part 6: more general :

eating: Most food is good... I will prolly die if you ever feed me spicy food tho

. drinking: water, iced tea, hot tea, coffee, some soda but not very much or very often, milk, alcohol...

I’m about to: prolly go to bed so I don't  die working the morning shift tomorrow

waiting for: it to be dark at night again lol...

want: my degree, a job that utilizes that degree, my own place.

get married: one day. ive got some time before anything happens... but I found my person....

career: Chemistry.... in Alaska.... man I'm still piecing that one together.... but environmental chemistry is super cool... and id love to work with the Alaskan environment, to keep it safe and clean and to better understand how it works

hugs or kisses: both... but mainly hugs... I'm a very touch oriented person....

lips or eyes: lips...  idk why cause I love eyes too... but I'm fascinated with how peoples lips look.... like I never understood those superhero masks that just cover their eyes because I always recognize people by their lips and how they talk

shorter or taller: taller....... when I'm around tall people I feel smaller and that makes me happy... plus like.. they can reach the shit that I cant lol...

older or younger: I'm sooo old...... not really but sometimes I feel like it so idk lol

nice arms or nice stomach: arms... always.... especially shoulders...

hook up or relationship: uh before my current relationship I was totally all for either though I focused mainly on hook ups... but now I'm content with the relationship thing....

troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker... definitely... but usually its a good thing.... I never much cared for rules...

kissed a stranger: oh yeah... many times...

drank hard liquor: yup... do it a lot... but life in Alaska....

lost glasses or contact lenses: forgot where I put them a few times... but always found them... break glasses a lot tho....

turned someone down: yeeeeah... guys usually don't respond well... I know... big surprise...

sex on the first date: yup... i love sex....

broken someone’s heart: yeah.... it was terrifying... i vaguely knew him through mutual friends and similar activities...  he asked to be my valentine when id told him that id never had one before ... valentines was about two weeks away... we saw each other for like a week... he had my entire future planned out for me... and i couldn't get passed the fact that he was 14 years older than me....  when i told him things weren't gonna work he broke down bawling.... and our mutual friends told me how bad he was after the conversation....

had your heart broken: yeah... and then toyed with... it was fuuuuuun.......

been arrested: no I'm an good kid who can do nothing wrong... and anytime ive done anything illegal i was always with people who took all the attention off of me....

cried when someone died: yeah... ive known too many people that have died....

fallen for a friend: yup... it didn't work out

Part 7: do you believe in:

yourself: Its a work in progress lol.

miracles: yes. This world is not always as terrible as the people who inhabit it...  

love at first sight: you know... i never used to believe in it... but then i met my boy and i swear to god it was like i saw the puzzle pieces of my life fall into place around me... we were pretty drunk but to this day i still cant explain why i had such a strong urge to meet this man. why i insisted that he had to play pool with us... we already had more than enough people to play... but he had to be there with us.... and from that moment on my life has just gotten better and better....

Santa Claus: I guess... more like i believe that once upon a time he exsisted....

kiss on the first date: yes... again I'm a very touch oriented person....

angels: I think theres a lot of things out there that we do not understand and we are not ment to... so yeah i think angels exist...

Part 8: Other:

current best friend’s name:

Mckenzi is my go to... but Daniel is also my best friend.... I have a few others too like maddi... but if i named everyone then id be naming like all my friends and that would make me sad because I'm too social to have such a small social group lol....

eye colour: blue....

Favourite movie: depends on my mood... but i can never really pick a favorite...