#like whoops that's just an adhd accommodation

[sapphicautistic]

i'm always so focused on managing my much more debilitating physical symptoms that i sometimes forget that i do very much still have untreated adhd lmao

[calware]

post about me. i added pictures to keep it interesting

i've had a problem for most of my life that i'm currently visualizing as a gray dorito poking into me. it's frustrating, inconvenient, difficult to deal with, and overall makes everything suck a little. many people have told me that this problem is most likely adhd, such as my therapist in high school who said it was "textbook." unfortunately, she was just a therapist, not a psychiatrist, and therefore wasn't actually qualified to diagnose me with anything. this was in 2021 when there were no child psychiatrists in my area accepting new patients (thanks, covid), so instead my doctor gave me a few adhd meds at differing doses to see if any of them stuck (i had literally no reaction to Any of them) and the whole thing went nowhere

so, is the problem actually adhd? i'm an adult now and could pay several hundred dollars (of my parent's money) to get a proper test, but it would make no difference as my issues would not be solved by adhd medication (maybe. i'm worried i somehow messed it up) or any form of accommodations. i don't want to ask my parents to pay for something that likely won't have much impact (and my mom wouldn't be fully convinced anyway. both parents are pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me). i want to know, but the time and money don't justify it. so the best solution i have is to keep going, keep learning which lifestyle changes to make and how to "work smarter". i'll be okay. and i say that with sincerity

whoops, forgot my glasses here. this is another gray dorito-shaped problem, only this one is much smaller. i rarely notice it, and when i do, it's superficial. it's only gotten genuinely bad twice in my life. it's my paranoia, obsessiveness, and, on occasion, compulsions that follow those obsessions. now, i know what you're thinking, which is that it kind of sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. frankly, from my understanding, my issue is so negligible that it doesn't qualify as OCD. like i said, it barely affects me. it still bothers me that it's there, though. i do my best to deal with it, letting my thoughts pass as they come to me and not trying not to give into/breaking out of compulsions, but i just don't want it there at all

this is another thing i could see a therapist about, but does a problem this small really justify the time and expenses of seeing a professional? not in my case (not for me, at least. don't apply this to your own problems if you genuinely want to seek professional help)

i have a goal to have enough disposable income later in life to justify paying a scientist to pick through my brain for my own amusement. because, despite no substantial foreseeable improvements to my mental health after getting a psych evaluation, i still find the idea to be really exciting. i have a strong desire to understand how my mind works, how my brain ticks, why i am the person i am. that's how i know that if i ever played sburb, id have the heart aspect (that's right. you thought that this was just a personal post on my homestuck blog that had nothing to do with homestuck. do you really think i would do that? make off-topic posts solely about me on a homestuck blog? look, i even remembered to draw my glasses this time and i made them homestuck glasses. because i care about you guys) and i am vain and self-centered enough to desperately want someone with a phd to talk about me for an hour. and no, i don't need a therapist to tell me why that is, i already figured that one out allllll on my own

[ssruis]

Idk the treatment of saki’s disability by the writers just irritates me bc like (& full disclosure this is written by someone who’s chronically ill but able to live w/o major symptoms) there’s so little thought put into how her disability specifically intersects with her mental health & overall life beyond a general Inspirational Look At Her Go She Can Overcome Anything type of take.

I dislike fully articulating my thoughts but to sum it up my experience with my own chronic illness was manifestation at 18 -> horrifically managed for 2 years bc doctors/parents did not take it seriously -> in so much pain that I couldn’t really move until i was put on immunosuppressants during peak covid and I watched close friends treat me like a burden for wanting the group to take covid precautions/abandon me because I couldn’t Party Hard anymore (to the point where one friend brought me somewhere where her friend fucking had Covid and sat next to me & then she texted me the next day like whoops heehee) -> severe depression & life ruining ensued. My family had to deny a good insurance opportunity bc my RA was an existing condition & they wouldn’t pay for my meds for two years and I had the fun side effect of my mom implying it was my fault/it was a burden over it. Etc etc. I don’t want to get into the full story because it’s unfun and also lengthy but I want to provide context for why saki’s treatment bugs me.

Her not really caring about honami/shiho not visiting bugs me. I get that life gets in the way but them going (semi?) no contact is a little shitty. Being disabled & not being allowed to be upset about the treatment you receive from your loved ones because you know they don’t see it as a big deal is. So frustrating. She deserves to be upset with them for that and have a conversation about it. There’s so much pressure on people w disabilities to essentially go “yeah I am a burden it’s my fault so I’m grateful you’re even spending time with me” that’s reflected in saki’s story and never challenged.

I’m too tired to articulate the complexity of her dynamic w tsukasa but it also frustrates me that it’s only touched upon that saki feels like she inconveniences him by being sick/she thinks him going out of his way for her is a burden. I love tsukasa and I’m obsessed w how much he cares about his sister but I also think saki deserves to be frustrated with how neurotic he is about an illness that isn’t his own.

So much abt being disabled (especially for those who are more affected than I am - I want to make that clear) is being told by society that you are a burden for needing accommodations/costing your family money/struggling with things able bodied people can do/etc. & saki very clearly feels a lot of that but it never gets challenged. Something that’s always stuck with me was seeing a tiktok where someone was like “actually I AM a burden bc I cost my parents money for antidepressants/adhd meds” which was so…. Buddy as someone on those meds and also 4/5 other drugs to manage the chronic illness I don’t want to hear shit from you abt being a burden. Imagine having panic attacks over career choices & fucking up your schooling permanently because you’re petrified of not having stable insurance to pay for the overpriced meds that keep you from being in agony and your friends/family don’t take it seriously because you look fine even though you can barely move without extreme pain and nobody in your life understands it or attempts to do so and you feel like the doctors don’t care because they give you meds & no diagnosis and you’re still in a pain that defies description. And your disability gets in the way of your passions and you can’t just muscle through it because doing so would fuck your body up even more. & then get back to me. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. Moving on.

I don’t know if the colopale writing team has anyone w a disability but I feel like saki’s chronic illness essentially being a thing of the past & she’s just like “I’m fine now” is shitty. Ig it fits with her character but also she’s a fictional character and the writers are capable of addressing this. and they’re not. I want to see saki being told that she’s allowed to be mad and she’s allowed to feel unwell and she’s allowed to not be inspiration porn and she’s allowed to have ugly feelings and address those & that she’s not a burden and it’s ok to rely on others when you’re struggling.

[justamarvelnerd]

stuff i love (but mostly hate) about the IB:

Love:

- I’ve created a social identity with other IB students. (basically there’s a “we” in “we’re all suffering” as opposed to “i’m suffering”)

- the social identity is really honestly the greatest thing about the IB because I feel like we all think kind of the same, yk? we are all so stressed and scared but it’s kind of invigorating that we know we are all here together

- kind of related to that, I have some bragging rights about breaking through the IB fog after testing in May. I can say I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done, regardless of if I make good enough scores for sophomore status in college

- Colleges love IB students because hooray college prep give us all your money

- SMART CULTURE. I’m known as “that smart kid” in my family*

- conversations with IB students you can ONLY have with IB students. One time, my school put on a festival, and kids were running around playing, doing activities, having a good time yk. And within all this ruckus, a group of like ten students was standing out in the hallways laughing and arguing over what the correct chemical formula for cobaltic hydroxide was (COOH3 btw). that is a normal, everyday conversation at my school, and these people had to have been younger than me because i’m a senior and didn’t know them

- also, we’re all very tight knit. we kind of have to be. if you don’t leave before freshman year, or even up until junior year, you see so many of the kids around you dropping like flies to go to a normal comprehensive high school.** the size of my senior class as it stands right now is 72 people. i don’t know of anyone in my class that doesn’t know me by name.

- my teachers are WICKED smart.

- my handwriting has become phenomenal because all of our essays are handwritten.

Hate:

- even though it’s “we’re suffering”, it’s still yk. suffering. lmao it isn’t meant to be fun

- *being “that smart kid” means I feel like I’m being held to the standard that I’m meant to be smart and have all the answers all the time, and when I don’t, I feel like I’m failing at… my identity? if that makes sense? makes me feel really, really crappy

- when sleep schedule is screwed, it’s screwed BIG TIME. there’s no happy medium.

- forget to eat in favor of study/ procrastination

- pretty sure those fainting spells were because of forgetting to drink water. whoops

- **i am the only African-American person in my entire grade. the only other Black person in class of ‘23 is Nigerian, and she happens to be one of my closest friends.

- it gets really lonely.

- sometimes, my teachers are so smart that what are basic concepts for them are incredibly complicated concepts for me, and when they skim right past them i can’t get my bearings

- long nights spent watching youtube videos on biology concepts could all be retrieved if my biology teacher had explained them better for me.

- THE IB IS NOT ADHD OR AUTISM-FRIENDLY AHHHHHHHHHHH. THE 504 PLAN HAS RUINED MY PERCEPTIONS OF WHATEVER “ACCOMMODATION” IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN.

- i find that schools in general are not very neurodivergent-friendly. a solution to lack of focus becomes sit in a quiet room by yourself with a ticking clock in the corner that you just can’t block out because it’s just So LOUD and this room is too bright and someone’s watching me from the corner of the room for some reason why do i need supervision i don’t even know what this assignment is asking me to do and i can’t even ask that random staff member watching me because that’s not their job and they aren’t my teacher bc he’s busy teaching all the rest of the class that can keep up with him.

- just no.

but anyway. i don’t know that i’d trade the experience I’ve had with the IB. Character development, yk? and i’m aware it isn’t for everyone.

idk what kind of person i’d be if i hadn’t decided to go through with attempting to get a full IB diploma. i wonder whether i would be as thoughtful as i am now.

[humanimalgam]

grades are all back baaabey i managed to pass this term with my 4.0 intact

[an-anxious-gay-mess]

Here's my headcanons of what neurodivergencies the lab rats (and leo) would have if I had been allowed to write this show

Adam: 

-ADHD and Dyslexia  

-"What do you mean the letters aren't supposed to move around?"

 "Uh" 

"Are you telling me most people don't have to read the same paragraph six times???" 

"Uh-"

 - After he got diagnosed he actually became a bit more interested in learning! It helps that most people are actually working with him now instead of just reassuring him that he's dumb -Chase especially feels really bad for teasing him so much without realizing how hard Adam had to try and researches ways to help people like him study 

-Adam still doesn't go out of his way to do well though, he's fine as long as he's passing his classes 

- is almost never standing still. He loves swivel chairs and will spend hours just spinning back and forth completely zoned out before he realizes he should probably eat something that day  

-the only time you'll see him completely still is when he's sleeping or super upset about something. He gets RSD pretty bad sometimes and will just shut down completely when upset

Chase 

-Autism, baby!! 

-Gets really bad sensory overload and has a lot of meltdowns if he gets too overwhelmed 

-he gets frustrated with himself a lot when he gets sensory overload and will try to ignore it, which usually makes it worse 

-He has a lot of stims but he typically will only do the more visual ones when he feels safe (mostly when he's alone or with his family if he knows they won't make fun of him) 

-Just. Constant info dumping. If you're going to start a conversation with him make sure you have at least 15 spare minutes to learn about the history of needle work (or whatever he's been researching that week)

-hates eye contact but will force himself for the sake of being Professional, to the point where he makes himself do more destructive stims (like pulling at his hair) or even having a meltdown

-(his family yells at him for doing this A Lot "Chase please just put on the goddamn headphones why do you do this to yourself-") 

-he was kind of embarrassed about being autistic at first and still tries to hide it most of the time to prevent people from bullying him about it, but after a while he learns to accept that it's not his fault people want to be dicks, and that autism isn't something to be ashamed of

Bree:

-dyslexia and anxiety 

-She's the one I have the least amount of headcanons for whoops-

-i think unlike Adam she's really embarrassed about being dyslexic and goes out of her way to avoid talking about it

-this is partially because of her anxiety too: she doesn't want to bother her teachers or anyone so she never mentions anything about getting accommodations 

-because of this she struggles a lot in some of her classes, but she spends a lot of time worrying about them and studying too

-she's had a lot of panic attacks at 3 am over trigonometry 

-after a while of her grades getting worse the school guidance counselor probably pulls her aside and is like "you know we can give you extra time to do tests right?" And basically gets her all the accommodations she needs 

-Bree is like "wow glad I spent 2 years building that 5 minute conversation up in my head and making myself worry so much I threw up multiple times" 

-she generally tries to not let anxiety control her too much, and once she gets some help from her teachers she gets way fewer panic attacks over school work

-she even tries to over compensate by trying to appear like nothing worries her even though Everything does

-she hates when her brother's occasionally go on missions without her (like if she's sick or injured), and her anxiety will scream at her the whole time they're gone

-they're always willing to reassure her that they're okay, though, and will even update her over headsets when they can 

-she also worried a lot that people around her are secretly mad at her or don't like her. Her family is usually willing to reassure her that they love her, but it does tend to put a strain on relationships she forms outside of them 

-also I think part of the reason she latches onto texting so much (besides the stereotypical Teenage Girl thing) is because spell check is a godsend 

Leo

-OCD and autism 

-tasha: uh hey buddy what are you doing?

6 year old leo: idk stacking these blocks 

Tasha: oh, okay, why don't we work together to make a big tower?

Leo: no. There must be Exactly Six blocks in each tower 

Tasha: okay buddy that's great :)

-the lab rats are initially very confused by some of his rituals 

-for example: when he turned the lights in a room on or off, he had to flick the switch 5 times. Or at night, he had to check to make sure the door was locked three times 

-they asked him if that was something that most people did in the outside world, and he explained to them what OCD was, and eventually told them about a bunch of other neurodivergences

-"wait so you said you have something called autism too?"

"Yeah, it's what makes me do that thing where I flap my hands sometimes. A lot of people with autism will know a lot of stuff about a few specific topics and will hate eye contact and other people touching them, but everyone is different"

Chase: "tell me more right now."

-that's how they end up getting diagnosed too!

-Leo tells them about different disorders (including ones they don't have) and they immediately launch onto the feeling of Are You Telling Me Other People Do This?

-they go to Big D about it and he's pretty accepting right away 

-they debate a lot at first whether they want to get professionally diagnosed, but then they decide that it would be a lot easier to get accommodations at school with a doctor backing them up

-where was I going with this I'm completely spiraling

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

okay now that we’re in the middle of a hiatus and the fandom is mostly calmed down

I’m one of the very few people who’s actually hoping for a Lila redemption arc? I don’t want her to be friends with Adrien or Marinette or anyone she’s really really hurt, but she is still like 14 and we don’t know her full story and I honestly want to see her grow and be a person and make some actual friends and get some hobbies. Again, I think she’s burned the bridge with a few characters, but that doesn’t mean she can’t ever be friends with anyone else

and anyway, my ideal takedown/ redemption arc for Lila is one where she unknowingly lies about having several disabilities that other students in the class actually do have

BUT I don’t want it in a “oh actually, Lila, you dumb fool, I have real medically diagnosed tinnitus, so I know that’s not how it works, haha everyone look at Lila the stupid liar” kind of way

I want them to be like stupid levels of understanding and try to bond with her

(detailed explanation of my Lila arc under the cut, obviously don’t read if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of Lila being redeemed)

Lila is like “oh... actually... I can’t participate in the PE final... I have scoliosis... that I just found out about right now” and Juleka is like “oh! I have scoliosis too!” and Lila is panicking because she’s about to be called a fraud, but instead Juleka just happily sits with her for the entire PE final and rambles about stuff and is super happy to have a bench buddy

Alix mentions that she has tinnitus and Lila is like “wait what? why aren’t you in front of the class?” and Alix is like “oh, for me it’s kind of a waves thing? on good days, I can hear her from anywhere in the classroom, and on bad days, nothing can really help me hear? so Ms. Bustier just gives me lecture notes that I can read and it works for me.” And Lila is completely expecting to be called a fraud but Alix is just like “it’s super cool that it does help you, though! everyone’s different! If you ever want to compare notes about what helps, you can text me!”

Lila starts to say the beginning of a well practiced and overly researched speech about how she can’t go on a field trip because she has a super rare medical condition and Max just pulls her aside and is like “hey, I know it can be scary and you feel like you have to justify yourself, but you really don’t have to give super personal information all the time. It’s totally fine if you are comfortable, but really, I know from personal experience that Ms Bustier and this class are super understanding. You can just say ‘personal reasons’ or something and we’ll all leave you alone. You’re allowed to have privacy.” and Lila is like “huh”

this is getting long but basically, eventually she talks to someone in the class with ADHD or anxiety, I’m going to say Alya for now, so she literally catches Lila lying about knowing some celebrity, and instead of being angry or judgemental she’e super discreet about it, she pulls her aside like “hey, I know it feels hard to make friends, but I promise you, people do think you’re interesting as you are, and we care more about you than the people you know.” and she doesn’t even call Lila out for lying? she’s literally just like “u dont have to know celebrities”

and then Lila actually finds out that there’s at least one actual compulsive liar in the class. And, if you didn’t know, Lila’s not an actual compulsive liar, and I’m not going to get into a rant about that now but... She lies on purpose, and tells planned lies with an agenda, whereas compulsive liars don’t usually plan to lie or have a reason for lying. So anyway, Lila gets actually caught lying, and someone, lets just say Nino for the sake of picking a character, is like “hey i know its hard but you do still have to apologize, even if you did your best, you still messed up and you’ve got to own up to it. I believe you that you’re trying to be better but you can’t just use mental illness as an excuse.” and Lila pulls out the fake tears and is like “you don’t understand-” and Nino is (not in a rude way, just trying to be kind) like “I can’t understand you exactly, no, but I literally did have a problem with compulsive lying and I have a therapist, so if you want to talk about it I probably understand more than you know” and Lila is like “oh.”

and anyway, Lila’s arc doesn’t come through someone she’s harassed trying to defend her, and it doesn’t come from her being traumatized into being nice, it just comes from her classmates treating her like a human person, and doing their best to understand her while also actually finding ways to make things accessible to her so she stops being able to get out of things. And then it turns to “hey Lila, just so you know, you don’t HAVE to give explanations for not wanting to go places, you can just SAY if you’re uncomfortable.” and she starts getting called out on it a little bit more, but in a friendly way. Her classmates are just like “Lila please just tell us what you want, I don’t need your medical history, I’m not going to do a background check, just, say you want to borrow a jacket and I’ll let you borrow it. I literally have an extra hoodie”

But simultaneously, everyone with a disability “in common” with her starts latching on to her and opening up, and they actually hold her accountable for listening to their needs. And Lila, who already has the mindset of “oh u are legally required to help Disabled Person or everyone will hate you,” which is literally the basis of half of her plans, is now surrounded by classmates who are asking for her help with reading things because they’re dyslexic, or asking her to grab a textbook from across the room, and asking her if she has any heating pads, and, well, Mylene actually bought her some heating pads when she was faking having cramps earlier, so she might as well lend those out so that she can get more credit with her classmates

And it’s not because she *cares* obviously, she’s just doing it to get them to rely on her, and to get on their good side

and then she’s invited to join the disabled students activism club, and it would look suspicious if she didn’t join, so she agrees, and then whoops, she is now working to do actual charity work-- because it’s really nice to have such solid evidence for her claims, and some charity work that she can actually point to solid evidence for if she ever gets called out-- and honestly it is pretty stupid that its so hard to get accommodations on tests for students with anxiety, because aren’t those the students who are the most afraid to talk to the teachers-- not that Lila cares. And it’s super dumb that no one even knows proper etiquette for helping people in wheelchairs,, and people keep Leaving Things in the Hallways that make it too narrow, and-- Lila doesn’t care at all though, and she definitely doesn’t care about her “friends” in the club because they’re not her friends, and she totally does not cry when she finds out that most of them are literally self-diagnosed, and then it turns out that Mylene was actually wrong, and she probably doesn’t have Lyme disease like she thought, and no one judges her or treats her any different? they’re all just like “oh thats great! glad you could keep getting new information!”

and Lila realizes that literally no one will be mad if it turns out she doesn’t have any disabilities. Except also, she’s starting to become more and more sure that she Does have several things wrong with her, because apparently it’s Not Normal to feel constantly on guard when she’s around other people, and apparently it’s Not Normal to just have days where you literally cannot drag yourself out of bed in the morning and then get hit with terror that if you tell anyone about how numb you feel they’ll immediately think you’re unworthy as a human being, and she’s like, oh, huh, i should  look into that

and anyway Lila doesn’t even try to be a good person at first she just wakes up one day and is like “what the heck when did i get actual friends and passions and hobbies,, i did not sign up for this” but she does start making an effort to be worthy of them and she ends up growing a whole ton once she’s given a support system

and anyway i know lots of people are uncomfy with Lila and that’s fine, but i’m continuously a sucker for “evil devil child is actually a pretty decent human being once their basic needs are met and they feel safe” trope

[johannas-motivational-insults]

I’m a little late for this, but 11. What’s a fanfic idea you haven’t done yet? And I have a slightly modified 6. Is there a detail you’re waiting on bated breath for readers to notice, and if so could you give the vaguest of hints in the correct direction? I want to take a crack at it, which will give me a good excuse to reread, lol

Hmm well there’s the post-canon first time fic, which I did start writing but it got waylaid by Hail Mary, whoops. And another fic set in the same universe as that one, Solidarity, and The Sting in My Eyes (a loose series) where they go up to Prime’s ship and Catra finds her mask. And... is now a good time to announce that I’m working on Satisfaction sequel? ;)

As for 6, I honestly can’t think of anything right now, I’m super tired. It kinda changes chapter to chapter anyway. Instead I’ll give you a few random facts that have yet to show up in Hail Mary but are established in my head:

Lonnie’s last name is Williams and her jersey number is 23

Catra works at Denny’s (and yes I tried to work in a joke about a free birthday meal in chapter 4 but none of my attempts fit)

Catra’s father was of Puerto Rican heritage (his parents moved to the States a few years before they died), and her mom was mixed European. (I’m thinking primarily Irish and Welsh, possibly some German thrown in there, but she wasn’t really aware of her heritage as her great-grandparents immigrated in the 1800′s. She was basically from a generic impoverished white family.)

Adora’s mom was a mix of Norwegian, Welsh, and Scottish, and the last name Grayson came from the Scottish side. Her father is an unknown entity but I headcanon him as still alive and unaware of Adora’s existence, or at least unaware of the fact that she’s his. Her maternal grandparents are still alive and aware of her existence, but she was born addicted to heroin and they didn’t feel they could take care of her and their troubled daughter (who got clean and relapsed several times and eventually died of an intentional overdose when Adora was 14), so they gave her up to the system hoping a better family would take her. They were, of course, unaware that she’d turn out to be autistic and that would torpedo her chances of getting adopted (along with the drug history, obviously).

On a less heavy note, the green-haired and brown-haired side cadets are named Devon and Alycia in this universe, and they’re dating. Devon grew up in Thaymor and knows pretty much everyone there, and this leads to some interesting social encounters at Entrapta’s party. (Yes I’m bringing back my hot OC, shhh...)

EDIT: Oh! And yeah, this is in the tags of the fic and I think I’ve mentioned it on my blog, but it’s only been hinted at so far in the body of the story: Catra has undiagnosed ADHD. She kinda half-assed self-diagnosed it and is bitter that Adora gets accommodations for her ADHD because she’s officially diagnosed. Adora got diagnosed for several reasons:

It was more obvious with her because she struggled a lot in school, while Catra was better able to compensate for the scattered focus with her genius-level intellect

Adora was already diagnosed with ASD and they’re known to go together

*hurk* white privilege, i.e. hyperactivity is more likely to get written off as a behavioral disorder for POC

Weaver wanted to get it looked into with Adora because she’s the one that matters to her, while she just saw Catra as a brat (mostly because she’s a dick who writes people off, but also because Adora was a pretty even split of the inattentive and hyperactive types, while Catra skewed more hyperactive).

Related, Weaver put both Catra and Adora in gymnastics when they were 5 because they were bouncing off the walls and driving her to drink (more). Adora was clumsy af but had fun jumping into the foam pit and goofing off. She did it for a couple years because she liked spending that time with Catra, but gave it up when it started to get more competitive and she found other sports she liked better. Catra was much more coordinated and took to it easily, which was the only reason Weaver put any effort into her for the next several years. She quit as a pre-teen because the emphasis on feminine presentation made her really uncomfortable (i.e. triggered some serious gender dysphoria) and she hated the pressure to stay skinny, as she wanted to bulk up.

So yeah, if you figured out Catra has ADHD without seeing it in the tags or on my blog, you’ve already done some great detective work. ;)

Fanfic Day Meme

[arrozaurus]

Wait I’m confused; is the teacher like, passively aggressively calling you out for rocking during class? Or is this part of the lesson (like they’re giving an example by pointing out some of their students but just not saying who)? I hope they’re not putting you on the spot cuz that would be pretty rude. Also, what do you do in that class (it sounds interesting in general)? 😮

whoops no, she was talking about someone else from another class and it was just a side detail on an example about school accommodations or something. and when she said it i felt very self conscious about my fidgeting, although I'm not diagnosed in any way.

in attention to diversity in education we are learning about students that are outside the norm and may need some form of adaptation (deaf and blind people, people with adhd, behavior disorders, dyslexia, mobility disabilities, autism etc...)

[aaetherius]

A tiny update:

(TW. for medication mention and quite a bit of talk about my mental health. This isn’t a bad/negative post, though)!  

This is a bit, or super, personal for me and I very much apologize for it, but I talk to so many of you here ooc, it just seems like I should let you know.

I don’t like to talk too much about my mental health struggles OOC because I don’t like to be a bother/make anyone worry, and I am, for the most part, a fairly positive person. And this is by no means a bad or worrisome post, but since this is going to impact my activity and already has a tiny bit, and I do talk to a lot of you ooc on here:

I’ve already mentioned in my rules that I have very severe ADHD, and I’ve been unmedicated for years, but very much struggling with it in my day-to-day life. As 2020 has gone on, it’s very much impacted my ability to preform my job/just made my life difficult overall. So, I’ve been working with my doctor for a few months now to see what might work best for me. In the end, we did decide to go with medication, of which I just started yesterday. Obviously, it will take me a few days to adjust, and it has made me a bit shaky/dizzy (which is not uncommon and should subside in a few days, my doctor is aware - so now worries!). I don’t really want to push myself a ton even though I want to write, so I might only do a couple things here or there, if I get anything done at all (especially because I don’t want to give anyone a bad reply, my threads are all super wonderful and I am very grateful for all of you and I could honestly gush about all of you for thousands of words because this is the most comfortable I’ve felt on a blog in a very long time) for the next day or two. Hopefully, after everything clicks I’ll be more active again! 

They also want to put me on medication for my depression. That, I’m not certain what prompted as I’ve been able to manage that for quite some time on my own, but there is nothin wrong with medication at all (it just never worked well for me personally in the past)! I am totally fine, I’m unsure what prompted this unless they’re just concerned because work is a mess for me at the moment. I’m admittedly a bit hesitant to start the medication they gave me for it just because it’s known to react very poorly with the medication they gave me for my ADHD. So, I am waiting until Monday so I can call them since they’re out of the office. So, that might end up impacting my activity for a few days while I adjust to that as well if they still decide it’s needed.   

And, finally, they are trying to fight with my job at the moment to reduce my hours temporarily due to just how bad it’s been impacting my health the past few months (especially my anxiety). Then, hopefully, when everything clicks and I’m in a better place, I’ll go back to being full time. However, we don’t know, at the moment, if my job is actually going to approve the accommodations my doctor is asking for. I also have very little say in all of this, it’s what they determined was best for me. 

That all said, I am fine! I am very much doing okay! I’m actually in a much better place than I have been! Hopefully everything will get approved, and things will be good to go! 

And, if it is not stupidly clear by now, because I am feeling a bit better/in a better/less subdued mood than usual already thanks to the medication and the fact that computer issues got me some time off from work this past week, I am bit more prone to rambling/a bit more talkative than I usually am (whoops). So, if you have me on Discord I’ll probably be a bit selective/careful about who I message first (and I likely won’t be adding anyone new for a little bit, if you’re worried/just want it, you can ask for my twitter in the meantime, I pretty much just retweet pretty art there, and it’s very tiny) because I really don’t want to be a bother/start rambling too much at someone since sometimes I can just threw a million words at people and some of you are already aware of that ghdjflhkgd, and I just don’t want to be too much. (Sorry Evie that all you’ve heard about since yesterday are my GBF ramblings and Sandalphon’s thighs thank you for suffering through this with me you’re a trooper and I love you very much hudifghlu). You are totally free to message me there, though/still talk to me/reach out to me, I just might be a bit ramble-y, and I apologize in advance for that. And, if we had a plotting conversation going/anything, and I don’t get back to you for a bit, I mean no offense I’m just a bit anxious about going ham since I’m usually a pretty mild person fhdgkh. 

[skruffie]

been talking with friends about how I’ve been feeling creatively blocked. Like. My emotional attachment to art and drawing has been absent for a few months, which is very weird. There’s been times way in the past where I’ve wanted to stop drawing, usually as a result of some sort of RSD-related issues but here it’s just been... nothing? I get thoughts like “Huh, I should draw something” and literally I should because I’m still in the comics workshop and our final assignment is underway, but then I just don’t.

I just paused in writing this to google “workplace trauma” because I was reading about it a while back, and I want to preface something also: I don’t have trauma the same way I did through 2011-2014 but my last job left me feeling quite dented. The other night when talking about my workplace I felt emotionally fine but I had a physiological reaction to talking about it and had trauma shakes again. Fucking super.

I just came across this article because part of me is like “literally nothing happened at that job to me that even matches the actual real trauma that I’ve been through” but then lmao WHOOPS!

“Trauma can come from a single catastrophic event, such as violence in the workplace, or a series of less dramatic stressors which, through their cumulative effect, create debilitating psychological and physical changes. Cumulative Emotional Trauma is created by the combined effects of stressors such as demeaning work conditions, worker/job mismatch, prejudice, unclear job expectations, impossible workloads, abusive treatment by peers or superiors, emotionally draining interactions with difficult people, and job insecurity. Although not as cataclysmic as a major violent episode in the workplace or a natural disaster, these factors chisel away at a worker’s sense of security, value and well-being.“

I’m not quite sure how to define “demeaning work conditions” considering compared to the field office I had quite a cushy location before COVID but the fact that pre-COVID I had no other choice but to commute to Seattle instead of the office 2 miles from my house, thus putting me out of the house for a minimum of 12 hours a day while also doing school (that I paid for out of pocket!) felt like it crossed a boundary I didn’t even know I had. I’m never doing that for another job ever again. 

Worker/job mismatch: ADHD aside, I literally even told the management “I’m not interested in finance” when they were asking me to be a fiduciary and the thing I really carried over from learning about accounting is how deeply I can loathe capitalism. 

Prejudice (combined with abusive treatment by superiors): Talking about my productivity issues in the reasonable accommodation meeting due to ADHD with the comptroller in the meeting and then having the comptroller be the signatory on the letter extending my probation another 6 months AFTER THE MEETING citing “productivity issues” LIKE COME ON. The EEOC even says that management needs to watch out for timing so they don’t end up smack dab in the middle of a fucking lawsuit over disability discrimination! My supervisor’s boss verbally reassured me it was just a coincidence, but what I had in writing tells a different story altogether. I think I was retaliated against.

Emotionally draining interactions with difficult people: I worked in child welfare. Times when I talked to foster parents or even biological families could be very hit or miss. Hell, even sometimes social workers were draining to talk to. I had one who didn’t know how to open a PDF, I had several that would describe the case history in detail when I was calling about an unrelated question, like UUUUUGGGHHHHH

Now, because I’ve been in EMDR and know a bit more about psychological trauma than probably the average individual I know that what I’m going through is not fully PTSD. I’m probably gonna throw it in my ptsd tag just for collecting trauma info. I think really what is going on is that I have some traumatic stress from the job. It’s not just burnout. The physical trauma shaking really is what got my attention, and then I remember how in the thick of it I was having a crying breakdown nearly every single week, and now currently this inability to connect with drawing.

Avoidance symptoms!

Sometimes if I’m in the grocery store looking to grab a quick microwave meal I will fully, utterly avoid the stuff I used to typically eat. I have barely listened to any of the music I used to play on repeat while working. And drawing, my tool for emotional processing and journaling my life in a way... becoming weirdly detached. Combine this with the global pandemic trauma, the plummeting morale--OH, I FORGOT ABOUT THIS

I believe it was summer or early fall 2021 when I was noticing that a lot of my usual social worker associates that I emailed and talked to directly were quitting in droves. The organization charts for the department are not really updated frequently, but the ones from the office I did the money stuff for was updated practically every week. This was before the vaccine requirements were instated too. Literally, I would email a social worker and wait a couple days and try again and see an outgoing message saying “I’m no longer with the department” out of fucking nowhere. Being asked “Hey why is this thing not getting done” and then telling my boss “well you see a lot of the social workers are straight-up quitting on short notice” was a weird conversation.