#like. i know the whole point was probably just ''let's get Tom Hanks to do a couple episodes''

[knickynoo]

Previous anon here. I fell victim of characters limit :( I don't know if you've adressed the subject before and if you have I am so sorry please ignore that it: Do you have headcanons about the relationship between Uncle Ned and Alex BEFORE THE SLAP (we know Alex was fangirling over his uncle but girl...your analyses give me life so i'll drink your hc like a dying man would the water of an oasis), and AFTER THE SLAP? Does Alex forgive ? Is it one more trauma to add to his long list ? Love you <3

You know, I've actually never done any Alex & Uncle Ned focused headcanons. A friend of mine requested I do an analysis post of the Uncle Ned episodes like 2 years ago, and I was like "Ok, sure!" and then never followed through, lol. (Also, don't apologize; even if I had gotten an ask like this in the past, I'd still be happy to add to my previous thoughts!)

Alex and Uncle Ned BTS (Before the Slap)

Alex was Uncle Ned's #1 fan from the time he was young. Since Ned knew much more about the business world than Steven and Elyse, visits from his uncle gave Alex the chance to gush about the subject with someone who was just as interested as he was.

The thing about Uncle Ned is that he's SUPER fun and silly and carefree, which is very opposite of how Alex is, but Ned also seems to "get" his nephew really well. Alex is sort of an outcast in his family, but he and Ned can connect intellectually, and I can see that as being important to Alex, especially as a little kid who's considered weird by his peers. His Uncle Ned serves as an example of how someone can take their interest in business and turn it into success.

Though they have fun with their serious conversations, Ned thinks it's important to encourage Alex to broaden his horizons. So, yeah, he'll sit around and talk the stock market and economics for a while, but then he tries to get his nephew to focus on something else. A game of baseball, discussions about movies or music, etc. Ned wants Alex to get out of his head every so often, and he's good at figuring out how to do that.

Alex definitely has a framed picture of Uncle Ned somewhere in his room. Maybe a picture in his wallet, too, to go along with the article about his uncle that he carries around. He takes it out to impress people. "Did you know my uncle is Junior Vice President of the Syntram Corporation? Here's an article and picture of him." Likewise, Ned definitely talks about Alex at his work. "You know what my brilliant nephew said the other day...?"

I'm pretty sure both Uncle Ned episodes contain scenes where Alex and Ned are in the kitchen eating late-night snacks after the rest of the family has gone to bed, and I'd like to headcanon that as being a pattern whenever he comes to visit. The two of them meet up and sit around the table, chatting and eating cereal or sandwiches while they chat about the goings on in their lives. It's Uncle Ned's chance to pick Alex's brain and get the inside scoop on his school and friends and such.

ATS (After the Slap) ☹️

I have a lot of conflicting thoughts regarding how things would play out in the aftermath of "Say Uncle." It really is a bummer that they drop Ned entirely from the show. I mean, the least they could've done is mention him in passing in another episode or something to let us know how he was doing? Like. That episode leaves SO MUCH unaddressed. Does Ned actually go to rehab? Does he get better? Mend the now broken relationship with his family and dear nephew who thought the world of him???

As far as headcanons go, I can go the depressing route or the optimistic route. Depressing route says that Ned tries rehab for a little but doesn't stick with it. The fact that his life has kind of fallen apart around him, coupled with his inability to take things seriously/his need to constantly goof off might lead him to be like, "Why bother with this?" If that's the case, he'd likely only spiral more into alcoholism and continue to wreck his own life. And, being ashamed of how he acted in front of his family, I could see him just running away from it all, going off the grid and cutting contact. Very much a bummer to think about. (And could explain why they never talk about him after that episode)

The optimistic route says that The Slap serves as Ned's firm wake up call that he needs to get his act together. He's horrified that he could do something so terrible, but it pushes him to get the help that he needs. He goes to rehab, gets sober, and puts the pieces of his life back together. With Elyse being established as such a protective, mother-hen type older sister, she keeps in contact and supports him. Eventually, the Keatons are able to get to a place of moving forward and starting a new chapter with Uncle Ned.

I'd really hope that Alex would be able to deal with what happened--talk things through with his parents and eventually Uncle Ned--and forgive Ned. It's clear that they have a special bond, and it's sad to think of Alex losing that. If Uncle Ned truly works on himself and changes, I think Alex would be able to forgive his uncle. In fact, I think Ned might have a harder time forgiving himself for what he'd done than Alex would have forgiving him.

Still, the whole event could end up being added to Alex's Trauma Pile, even if things work out. Having your favorite uncle in the whole world hit you so hard in a drunken rage that you go flying halfway across the room is not exactly something you just easily move on from. And our guy Alex already has a really hard time processing his emotions and tends to latch onto/obsess over things, so he'd probably need some help to work through that. Maybe he talked it over with his therapist at some point during "A, My Name is Alex."

Thanks for the ask! Your line about drinking my headcanons like a man in the desert is one of my favorite things I've ever gotten in an ask. Love you, too <3

[inkandpen22]

Dazed and Confused (S 1: 4/?)

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Female!Reader

Warnings: mild language and violence

Word Count: 3.1k

Part Summary: Steve and Y/N spend the weekend together and on Monday, Nancy can’t remember a thing... 

Masterlist

I woke up early with a headache and decided the best course of action is a hot shower. I let Steve stay in bed, after the tough night he had he deserves it. 

After hopping out of the shower, I turn down my radio and quietly bop to 

Culture Club. I wipe down the foggy mirror and start my hair routine. It takes a lot to get the voluminous hair of the decade. Once I'm done, I emerge back into my bedroom to grab a change of clothes, leaving my radio going. 

"Morning," Steve voices, staring up at the ceiling. 

I jump, squeezing my towel around me. "Oh uh, hi, sorry! I thought you were still asleep!" 

He lifts his head and realizes I'm in a towel. His eyes grow wide. "Oh shit! No, my bad! I uh... I'll go downstairs!" He rushes to climb out of bed. 

"No! No! It's okay! I'll go get ready in the bathroom! Let just me grab some stuff!" I hurry over to my dresser. 

Steve settles back down with a sigh, clearly happy to be able to rest after the night he had. 

"Have you been up long?" I ask. 

"Nah, just thinking about last night and what happened with Nancy..." he states solemnly. 

"Well, it's Saturday," I remind him of the perk. "My parents are gone to Chicago for a business trip for a few days, which means we can hang out here. A nice big chocolate chip pancake breakfast," I suggest, heading back toward my bathroom door. 

"Sounds nice," he grins. "And then we could go to the mall, maybe rent a movie?" 

"Splash?" I request. 

He nods, meeting my gaze again. "Deal." 

I move to head back into the bathroom to get ready with a content smile. 

"Hey Y/N?" He rushes out, flying up from his laid position.

I hum, turning over my shoulder. 

"Do you-" oddly, he stops himself, shaking his head. "Never mind," he laughs. 

"You sure?" 

He nods, "yeah. Don't worry about it." 

I shrug and head back into the bathroom. Weird. 

________________________________________________

Steve and I are curled up on my couch, watching Splash, one of my favorite movies. A bowl of popcorn and M&Ms shared between us, along with a blanket. 

I shake my head, immersed in the movie. "I love- 

"Tom Hanks," Steve chuckles, tossing some candy into his mouth. "How many times have you seen this movie?" 

"At least a dozen," I confess. 

He glances over at me. "You have a problem." 

"Tell me about it," I smirk proudly. 

Abruptly, the phone in the hall starts to ring. I huff, hopping up off the couch to get it. 

"Want me to pause it?" Steve checks. 

"Nah, I've seen it," I giggle and pick up the phone.  "Hello?" I greet. 

"I need you to come over, right now!" Dustin panics. 

I frown, glancing at Steve through the archway in confusion. "Now? Why? What's wrong?" 

"I've found a giant slug!" He rushes out. 

"A slug," I repeat in annoyance. "Seriously, Dustin." 

"I've named it Dart!" 

"I'll see it on Monday," I move to hang up. 

"No! You have to come over now!" He insists. 

"Kinda busy here," I grumble under my breath. 

"Busy? How are you busy? You're never busy." 

"I am too! I have company!" I tell him. 

"You don't have company, Steve is over," he argues. 

I hurry over to the window, the phone cord following behind me. Steve watches me in curiosity as I scan up the road at Dustin's house. "Are you watching my house again?" 

"That's not important!" He shouts, clearly guilty. "Why are you hanging out with Steve?" 

"Why do you have a giant pet slug?" I fire back. 

"Fine, just bring him too!" 

"We can't, we have plans." 

"Son of a bitch, you're really no help at all you know that?" 

I scoff. "Oh save it, I drive you to school every day. Bye!" I hang up the phone. 

Irritated, I walk back over to the couch and pull half the blanket back over me. Thankfully, I didn't miss anything good in the movie. 

Steve hands me the candy bowl. "What was that about?" 

"I don't have any biological siblings but I do have a little brother," I remark, making him snicker. 

_________________________________________

On Monday morning, I blast Night Ranger through my Walkman as I unload my bag into my locker. Dustin wouldn't shut up about his stupid slug all the way to school. He was pretty annoyed that I didn't come in and see it this morning. I assured him that I would stop in when I drive him home. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder and I spin around, removing my headphones. 

Nancy nervously rocks on her heels, gripping her books to her chest. "Hey, have you seen Steve?" 

I frown. "Not yet, why?" 

"Have you seen him since Tracy's?" 

"Yeah..." I reply hesitantly, wondering where this is going.

"Well, he hasn't answered my calls all weekend," she tells me in a hushed tone, glancing up and down the hall for eavesdroppers. "Whenever I left a message, his mom called back and said he was out. Do you know what's going on with him?" 

"I don't..." I drag out, debating on if I should tell her the whole truth. "After a certain point, all I remember is Billy hitting on me and Steve driving me home." I stick to what I know for sure happened. 

Her face changes from concern to confusion. "Wait, he drove you home? I thought he drove me home." 

"No, I mean unless he drove you home and came back."

She whines, glancing down the hall anxiously. "I better go talk him. I'll see you later!" 

I nod and mumble an 'okay.' I watch as she hurries down the hall toward the gym where Steve likely is hiding. I slip my headphones back on with a sigh. This won't be good. 

____________________________________

I walk out of Algebra with my friend Veronica, gushing about the newest Elton John album. Abruptly, a hand wraps around my wrist and I yanked away from her. 

"Woah! Jesus!" I blurt out and my eyes land on Steve as he hurries me down the hall. "Okay Harrington, where are we going?" I laugh nervously. 

He releases my wrist and presses his hand to my back. "McDonald's, a park, anywhere, I don't know! I just want to get out of here." 

"But I still have chem before lunch," I remind him. 

"You can afford to miss one class," he laughs. "Your GPA is what 3.9999-" 

I roll my eyes but comply nonetheless. "Well, there goes my perfect attendance." 

Steve and I run by McDonald's and enjoy our milkshake and fries in the parking lot. Steve has the radio quietly going in the background as he fills me in on the details of his talk with Nancy. In summary, it didn't go well. 

"So she doesn't remember any of it?" I clarify. 

"Appears not." He rolls his eyes, shoving some fries into his shake. 

I nod, processing it all. Then, I remember what happened Friday morning. "I forgot to tell you. Jonathan came up to me on Friday and accused us of sneaking around behind Nancy's back." 

Steve nearly chokes on a fry. "What?" He coughs. 

"He saw you climbing out of my window," I explain. 

"Well-" He starts to panic. "Well did you tell him we're just friends?" 

"No, I told him we're having a wild, passionate, affair," I sass. "Of course, I told him!" 

He releases a sigh of relief, holding his chest. 

Geez, he's so dramatic. 

"Maybe I should apologize to her," he determines. 

My brows scrunch together. "For what?" 

"Good point... Do you think he'll tell her?" 

I shrug, how am I supposed to know? "I don't know. Probably not," I remark a tad more annoyed than intended. "Have they talked lately?" 

"He drove her home that night. I told him to," he tells me. 

"Oh..." I mumble, allowing my focus to wander outside. 

Steve shifts in his seat to face me. "Do you think he knows I was at your place?" 

"I don't know..." 

He huffs, tossing his head back stressfully. "How did things get this fucked up?" 

I reach across the divider and place my hand over his gently. "It'll work out." 

He sighs, his eyes meet mine worriedly. "You really think so?" 

I hum to reassure him, but frankly, I have no idea. I just don't have the heart to tell him the truth. Plus, it hurts to watch him worry about Nancy when a piece of me is selfishly happy that they're over. 

__________________________________

Masterlist

[soyouthinkucanwrite]

Chapter 1 - intentions, a Tom Holland series

The name of the series is super random, don't mind me. No warnings. Reader is a postgraduate student at NYU, made a docuseries on her research and the show got picked up by Netflix. She goes on press tour and meets Tom on a ‘chat show’. This could be an amazing few days or more? It’s been interesting writing how they’ll deal with distance and tight schedules once ‘honeymoon’ is over...

(y/f/n) = your first name

(y/l/n) = your last name

(y/n) = your name, complete or not

1.8k words

Chapter 1 - A new city

Chapter 2 - Show time

Chapter 3 - Unexpected texts

Your docu-series was doing better than anybody expected, well, anybody but you, it was a project that you really believed in. You sold the first season to Netflix with its 10 episodes shot all in NYC and they premiered with almost no press or promotion. But still, the wholesome moments and captivating stories had already become viral and people were so impressed by you. The text was amazing, and your improvisation and good mood lifted the spirit of the whole thing, making it the new feel-good show everybody was binging and talking about.

Better late than never, Netflix decided to promote the show and so they sent you to give interviews and go on talk shows. You still didn’t have an agent, something that you were in desperate need of, because your phone was blowing up all the time with offers for publicity deals, new interviews, and even some job offers. You couldn’t think about that now, you had to focus on making this “press tour” the best possible so, in the next meeting with the Netflix executives, you could close at least two more seasons for your show (and maybe score some other deal for yourself). With all this, you still had to worry about grad school (you still had at least one more year ahead of you until you get your PhD, if you managed to get time to write the dissertation)! You’d have lost your mind for sure, if it wasn’t for your producer and partner in business, David. He was helping you schedule everything and organizing talking points for the promotion tour, but ultimately you were the face of the operation. Fair is fair, that’s why you got to find an agent ASAP.

Currently, you and David were in London for the last bit of the trip, after tomorrow, you guys were going back home to NYC. One thing at a time, you thought to yourself while he talked on the phone with his fiancé outside of the coffee shop you guys were grabbing a bite at lunchtime.

You looked outside the windows, this was your first time in London and you couldn’t stop thinking about how it looked exactly like everything you ever imagined but so much more at the same time. Just like NYC, in that sense. You smiled thinking about maybe shooting a season here someday.

“Hey! Did you order something?” David snapped his fingers and to get you out of your trance.

“Huh?” you looked up.

“Earth to (y/n)? I thought you were hungry?” He laughed at you.

“Sorry, but common, look at this city! You can’t blame me for getting hypnotized.” You answered while he went straight to the counter to order some food and beverages for you guys.

“Yeah, it's beautiful. But this weather, how can someone function with this much moisture all around? Is like the air is heavier.” He said sitting back.

“The air is heavier because of the pollution, probably.” You joked back. You always loved big cities, but that didn’t mean you’d close your eyes for their problems, you just had a better tolerance for this kind of stuff. “How’s Lukas anyway? Everything alright back home?” You asked.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. He’s just touring wedding venues. He was really happy with the sudden budget increase.” He answered.

“Well, if he waits long enough, his budget might get even bigger. Speaking of which, we got to talk to some layer about that meeting next week. I think we’d be smart to go in there with our terms very well thought about.” You said.

“Right. I’m looking into it. You worry about finding that agent. One thing is the show, the other is your image. And something tells me the more you’re valued in, the more we can negotiate for the show.” He reasoned while the waitress walked towards the table with two plates.

“Own! Is so sweet to have a friend looking out for me!” You joked and threw a napkin at him.

“I am! You’ll see that when your huge face it's on Times Square and you’re closing the deal on some penthouse at 5th.” He laughed.

You shook your head and rolled your eyes at him. David was sweet, but he wanted nothing to do with the celebrity part of this project of yours and you knew he said this kind of stuff in a condescending kind of way. He wasn’t wrong, but you also couldn’t say you didn’t enjoy the attention you were getting because of the show. Maybe he didn’t felt like that because he had Lukas, but you were more than ok to take a few selfies with strangers and doing some photoshoots here and there. You liked the attention, but as long as you were concerned, penthouses and money deals weren’t included in your idea of happiness. Regardless, everything was so new and fun. Thrilling, if you didn’t spend too much time thinking about it.

“Is everything ok for later? Is just this one today, right? Then Radio One tomorrow morning?” You asked him before taking a bite of your sandwich.

“Yes. Yes. And yes. Mary sent your clothes straight there and someone from the show will make your hair and makeup. I think we should go right after here? We’ll have some time to kill there, but I think we can hang out backstage.” He answered.

“Oh, I don’t know. I was thinking maybe we could walk around. Get to know the city? Maybe visit-”

“Excuse me?” You were interrupted by two girls, apparently close to your own age.

“Hi!” You answered happily, but you could see David recoil in his seat (probably already expecting to be asked to snap the picture).

“You’re (y/f/n) (y/l/n)? From that Netflix show?” One of them asked the blonde one.

“Yeah…its (y/l/n), actually, but that’s fine!” You laughed and tried to be friendly.

“Oh! Sorry! We thought the show was so cool and you’re so beautiful!” The other friend said, the one with black roots and blueish tips.

“That’s sweet! Thank you for telling me! David helped me produce it, did you know?” You pointed to the guy extremely uncomfortable in front of you. You loved messing with him.

“Hi.” He said uncomfortably. There was an awkward silence.

“Anyway, would you mind taking a picture with us?” The girl with blue hair asked you.

“Sure! No problem!” You answered quickly and got up to pose.

After you guys took some selfies and David took some pictures of the three of you, you insisted he was in the shot too and the girls agreed politely. He wanted to kill you, but you didn’t care, you were only messing with him. How often you had the chance anyway?

“Thank you so much! Bye!” They said as they left you two to finish your meal.

“If only every teenage with a phone was this civilized,” David said grumpily.

“You complain too much. They were sweet! And they liked our show! That’s awesome!” You seated back.

“I guess that’s pretty great.” He smiled at you. But his smile died once he looked at his clock.

“Anyway, finish eating. I don’t think we’ll have time to even hang around backstage. They told me we’d have to be there at 3” and its already 2’30!” He told you while signaling the waitress for the check.

When you got to the studio, which was in central London luckily and not far from where you guys had lunch, there was a corridor with some doors and your name was in one of them. The Graham Norton Show was super fun and guests sat together on the same couch while being interviewed at the same time. You hadn’t even thought about who the other guests would be yet, but you had to put on the outfit that Mary, the Netflix stylist, had prepared for you and get your hair and makeup done.

“Hey! Can you find out who the other guests are while I change?” You asked David.

“Sure! I’ll be right back!” He answered opening the door and letting a small middle-aged woman inside.

“Hi!” She greeted him. “I’m Rosie. Here for makeup and hair.” She announced.

“Hi! I’m (y/n)! I’ll just change real quick, do you have a cape we can put over the outfit so it doesn’t get dirty?” You asked already undressing in front of her, David was long gone by now.

“Sure, sure. We have to be quick though darling, you’re going on in 30 minutes.” She said opening the little suitcase on the counter under the mirror.

You put the dress on and sat on the chair in front of the mirror.

“You can keep it simple, all the way. I get more nervous if the hair and makeup are too pretty, afraid of ruining it with my movements and sweat. Which of course, only makes me move and sweat more!” You laughed, trying to make conversation and relax.

“Relax, you’re already beautiful! We can just make some curls and after I’m done with your skin, a good eyeliner and pink lips?” She asked. You were glad she was nice and chill about it.

“Sounds perfect! Do you know who the other guests are? We were kind of squeezed in today.” You laughed again.

“Oh! Yeah! Its -” She started to say but was interrupted but David coming abruptly inside.

“Ok! Don’t freak out!” He said.

“I already am! Why would you come in like that? What is it?” You asked already freaking very much out.

“Its Tom Hanks. And -” He said.

“WHAT? Are you serious? What the hell man?” You tried to move but Rosie pushed you back on your seat.

“Yeah. And Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Holland. And Stormzy is singing later. They’re promoting Spider-man and Hanks is here for the new Toy Story.” He explained.

“I’m dead. I’m dead. I’m dead. I’m going to die.” You mumbled.

“Well, which one it is darling? I’ll just add some more blush anyway.” She laughed at your reaction.

“Fuck David, they must really be betting on us. Why else would they put us on the same couch as Tom Hanks and those guys? Super-hero guys!” You reasoned with him.

“I was thinking the same thing…” He started to talk but he noticed your expression.

“Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Relax! You’ll be great! You’ll do great! They were really excited to meet you actually! They love the show!” He told you trying to calm you down.

“Oh, man! What? They’re out there? And they want to meet me? And I’m in here? Oh boy, they must think I’m so rude!” You thought out loud.

“No! No! I told them we were late and you had to get ready. Yes, I chatted with Spider-man and Bumble Boy.” He gloated.

“Bumble boy?” You laughed at him but thanked him with your eyes because you knew he was just trying to distract you. There was a knock on the door and a stage assistant pecked inside.

“Hi! Is Miss (y/l/n) ready? We’re starting in 5 minutes.” She said.

“All ready!” Rosie answered.

“Oh lord. Thank you Rosie.” You were freaking out but didn’t want to forget to thank her.

“Oh! I forgot to mention. Gwyneth Paltrow is here too.” David said before running out of the room.

“WHAT?” You wanted to chase him but were scared to fall from low blood pressure.

[leaderintitleonly]

Thoughts on Frozen?

Anna gets screwed. Promotional and just...yeah. These days, Disney is allergic to giving women complex emotions because otherwise it'd make them seem less perfect and that would anger Twitter. I mean they already lose their shit if a Disney princess cries! /Tom Hanks voice There's no crying in Disney Princessing! Elsa and Anna needed to hash things out, which really strikes me funny when I remember the making of this movie and they had this whole sister meeting. I'm estranged from my half-sister now. We don't talk. I had to accept I needed to let go and stop letting her blame me. There's a time when you stop fighting... It's when you need to fight for yourself. Sad side note, sure, but I needed to really see Anna and Elsa willing to fight for each other and hash out their problems. Show frustration. Show getting mad. Show getting upset. Emotion is healthy! So long as we process it and we learn to listen to each other, that's important. Frozen needed to work harder than that instead of "BIG HUG OKAY LET'S FORGET THIS!" Yeah that cut song probably shouldn't have been cut but Disney can't stop doing the "lol musical" meta either. And this could get longer but then that gets into Elsa's half as well. To be honest... Once Upon a Time, much maligned as it is? It does a pretty decent job expressing Elsa and Anna's post Frozen feelings and I somewhat love how on edge they are. I really believe these are sisters who would die for each other despite their ups and downs and have fought for each other. They have differences but that does not stop them. It's something I know Frozen can (and eventually does) achieve but it struggles to get a footing. Also just Anna really deserves more than to have Do You Wanna Build a Snowman, much as I love that song and whisper "Do you wanna hide a body" to my boyfriend like the sadist I am. I could mention surprise villains but that's been done to death. People have covered why Disney needed to be more firm with Elsa having anxiety if that's what they wanted to do. Generally I'm beating a dead horse here. Any problems I've had, so many other people have had them. Hey Elsa, you know what queens did? Arranged their sisters marriages so don't give me that "marrying in a day" shit. Frozen 2 does address some of my irritations which is great! But... that is not the point of a sequel. A sequel should be building on the story and not fixing the holes. Sure we can clarify some things but I should see some new story and a lot of it! I should have been enjoying Kristoff and Anna getting closer! And I have...no idea what we do with Elsa because those problems needed to be addressed then so we start a new story for her. I've lost how count how many times I watched Frozen. My nieces were enamored with the movie and then we had a little trip to Disney World. Weren't huge fans after that. I tried to watch it without them because it was only fair to do so. ...Did this turn into a pseudo Anna defense post? Oh my god. Oh my god it's a secret Anna defense post. You know I'd argue that Elsa doesn't get a good way to process her feelings, either and I'm equally angry about that. Generally every problem with any new "Disney Princess" movie is "why didn't you let the heroine have feelings and get to have healthy choices" and Elsa gets to share in that with Anna so... it's a defense post for her as well. It took me all day to write this. I hope I did right by you, anon. So many revisions. <3

[mrvdocks]

Plus One

Summary: Steve gets some closure. You and Nancy get a big surprise.

A/N: well, well, well, here we are. One chapter away from the finale. I hope you guys enjoy it. :) 

Two weeks. You’d been gone for two weeks. 

At first, he thought you just needed some time to cool off, so he waited. And waited.

And waited.

When you didn���t return after the third day, that’s when he started to panic. He’d called Robin, only to be met with an earful of how you were too good for him and that he needed to make a reassessment of his life. He knew that. 

The days started to feel long and lonely. Mickey was there sure, but he was starting to miss your presence. Your loud and annoying laughter didn’t fill his ears when he would watch your favorite shows. He wished you’d come out of the room at times and yell at him for using your luxurious things. 

He’d broken the foot tub. He didn’t know how, but he’d broken it and he wasn’t nearly as knowledgeable about fixing things as much as you were. 

Just when he was cleaning up his mess for the day, there was a knock on the door. He froze.

His heartbeat suddenly started to shake and rattle against his rib cage. There was an uneasy feeling in his stomach. One where you know you’ve done something wrong and tried to put it off and now have to face it. 

He exhales slowly, dropping what he’s doing and preparing himself for the worst. Maybe you’d push past him or call him names or take Mickey. He thinks taking Mickey would be worse. He didn’t like being alone with his thoughts and God knows he couldn’t charm anyone else to spend time with him lately. 

He opens the door in a swift motion, ready to say the usual “I’m sorry” but is met with someone he did not ever expect to see in the area.

Don Harrington. And company.

He’s in a grey suit jacket and jeans and sensible shoes, all things Steve hadn’t seen in a long time. Next to Don are two kids, the same kids that he hadn’t seen since he’d left Hawkins.

“Stranger! Stranger!” They yell in unison, pointing at Steve. 

“Guys! It’s okay, it’s just Steve, remember?” Don laughs charmingly, bringing his hands onto the boys’ shoulders and rubbing them to calm them down.

“Dad?” Steve asks, completely wide-eyed.

The kids push past Steve and begin their scream-a-thon again. Steve is too struck by his father standing in front of him to even care that they’re probably making a mess inside. 

“Hey son,” Don shoves his hands into his suit jacket. “Got a minute?”

Steve sighs. 

Steve reaches for the water basin to give his dad water and almost hides his opened bottle of alcohol but in a small thought, offers it to his dad. Don refuses it, saying he’s watching his figure. Steve scoffs to himself, just a few years earlier his dad would’ve loved a cup, or at least the whole thing.

“What are you doing here, Dad?” Steve asks, pouring the water. 

Don’s fingers tapped against the wooden table in drum-like motions. “Can’t a father visit his son with his future step-brothers? I’m worried about you, kid, you haven’t responded to any of my calls.”

Steve stops pouring. “Let’s not do this, alright?”

Don’s brows furrow. “Do what?”

Steve shoves the basin to the side. “Don’t pretend like you want to be there for me now. You had all that time then, why now?”

Don shuts his eyes. 

“Steve, I’m sorry. Really, I am. Listen, I know I wasn’t the greatest -”

“You were a grade-A asshole who ruined our family.”

Don doesn’t fight with his son. He knows his sins. But that’s what he’s here for, atonement.

“Did I make some harsh decisions for you to toughen up? Yes. Did I make your mother and you lose trust in me? Yes, but I’m here now Steve. I didn’t leave. I could’ve but I didn’t.”

“So all of this,” he gestures to Don and the kids, “suddenly just makes up for all the bullshit you’ve given me? Do you know how many times I heard mom crying in the middle of the night? All those times she pretended like those business trips you took were actually for business? Hell, do you even remember what happened when I left?”

“Yes, I do.” Don nods, closing his eyes again in uneasy remembrance. 

It would be better if the past was just forgotten.

“I know you’re angry at me. You have every right to be, but I did say I wanted to bury the hatchet. Everything I did is in the past now, your mother and I - you know, we moved on. She found someone and I did too. I think it’s only fair that you do as well. And I see you have.” 

Steve tenses up a little at the latter half of Don’s sentence. He did, didn’t he?

“Yeah. Maybe not, Dad.” Steve avoids his father’s eyes and fiddles with things on the counter.

Don catches on. “Why?”

Exasperated, Steve stops what he’s doing. 

“What happened? You made this girl sound like she was your soulmate tenfold!” 

“Maybe soulmates don’t exist, Dad. Maybe not for me anyway.” Steve plops himself down in front of his dad, clutching the mug of water to sober himself up more.

Don frowns. “What happened?”

Steve hesitates. He’s never bared his feelings to his dad since he left. And even then, it was all just dry replies and sarcasm and bitterness. But maybe it’s the alcohol talking or the fact that his dad really does seem like he’s changed. 

“I screwed it up. I just let myself get in my head and I - I pushed her away.”

Don places a comforting hand atop his son’s own. Steve recoils at first but settles. His father had never been too affectionate, no, that was his mother’s job. It felt off.

But it also felt a little more comfortable, honest. Like there wasn’t a hint of being affectionate for the sake of hiding some grand affair. 

“Steve, you’d tell me the truth if I asked you right?”

“I guess.”

“Do you hate Mary?”

“What? No. No.”

“Then why are you so mad about us?”

“I’m not mad, Dad. I just - when you and mom split, it messed me up. I didn’t want to be like you guys. I just wanted to find the one and hang onto her forever. And now I’m completely alone, so. And you’re just moving onto your next family.”

“Steve, I’m sorry that your mother and I splitting up hurt you so much. I’d be nothing if I hadn’t met her and I also wouldn’t have you. But kiddo, as long as your mother and I are alive, you’ll never be alone. Including your girlfriend. It's not too late to fix things."

“Thanks for letting me crash here, Nancy. I promise I’ll be out of your hair soon.” You say, fixing up your couch bed. 

Nancy waves your concern away. 

“Don’t even worry about it, it’s nice having company. Plus it gets kind of lonely at night.” She says, setting the white timer on and setting it down on the counter. 

“You cooking something?”

“No….just trying to time something.” She says vaguely. You don’t read too much into it for now.

Nancy smiles warmly instead, passing you a thick fleece blanket from the other couch. Jonathan was off doing a piece on the Northern Lights somewhere in Alaska. When Nancy had first revealed to him that you were staying with her until things settled, he had a few choice words for Steve.

You felt odd, having turned Steve’s friends somewhat against him. Nancy reassured you that this was familiar territory. They knew how Steve was. This is how she had remembered him in Hawkins during that honeymoon period they were in. 

“Do you miss him?” Nancy asks, settling into the blanket with you and putting the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. She was about to play the movie you two had debated on for a solid three minutes.

You shrugged as you fiddled with the chipped nail polish on your fingers. “I love him, Nance. But if I can’t convince him that nothing’s going on, then what’s the point?”

You sigh as you close your eyes and try to imagine when the last time you saw Steve happy was. You think the day in California was the best day of your life. He was like a little kid again, running around the boardwalk and trying to impress you with the “test your strength” games. The sunset perfectly illuminated him when you laid on the cooling sand, a single curl falling loose on his forehead from his quiffed hair.

“I don’t think you should let this deter you. Maybe Steve’s just scared. I mean why wouldn’t he? He’s had a fear of unfaithfulness forever. His parents, his friends, me and Jonathan. To him, there’s always been someone better.”

“I know.” You frown. “But, and excuse the cliche, when I’m with him - it’s like nobody else matters. If I was still with Danny the second I moved in with Steve and Robin, I think I would’ve been in trouble.”

Nancy’s brows perk up, intrigued. “How so?”

“I’ve been in love with Steve since the day I moved in. I promised myself I wouldn’t move on so fast after Danny but, I messed up that day.”

Nancy smiles at the sweet thought.

You shake your head in thought. “I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t his type after all.”

“Oh please, you’re definitely his type. Smart, tough, independent AND you have the balls to call him out on his bull? You’re his dream girl!”

You blush at the compliment. “Thanks, Nance.”

“You’re very welcome. Now, let’s riff on this romcom and throw popcorn when things get too cheesy.” 

The movie goes on for half an hour, the bottom of the tv set covered in popcorn bits and kernels. You and Nancy laugh hysterically and boo at the cheesy romantic scenes whenever they pop up. When the timer goes off Nancy glances over her shoulder and stands, giving you the half-empty bowl of popcorn.

“I’ll be back.” She says, going to the upstairs bathroom.

“Alright, but don’t take too long. I think Tom Hanks gets naked in the next scene.”

“I won’t.” She chuckles and disappears.  

You take a handful of popcorn in your hand and dump it in the hood of your sweater, bobbing for it in an attempt to stay distracted. 

Five minutes pass and Nancy hasn’t returned. You glance at the time on the tape player. It’s only so long that you can bear to stare at Tom Hanks’ eyes before he loses his charm. 

“Nancy?” You call out, hearing shifting from upstairs. No response though.

You count to three, getting up and letting pieces of popcorn fall to the ground. 

“Naaancy.” You step onto the stairs carefully, grabbing onto the wooden railing. 

Still no answer. You huff and resolve to go up the stairs.

“Nancy if this is your idea of a prank, just know it’s not great! I don’t get scared easily!” 

You make it all the way to the top and glance down both ends of the hallway. You see a light on at the end of the hallway on the left, the door left ajar just enough to see the shower. You approach with caution, hoping not to catch Nancy in an unflattering position. 

“Nancy?” You call again, now at the front of the bathroom door. You can hear sniffles like someone’s crying. Your brows furrow.

“Nancy?” You swing the bathroom door open slowly, meeting a crying Nancy on the floor next to the toilet. 

“Hey,” Your voice lowers an octave and becomes soft. “You okay?”

You kneel down to her level and put a hand on her back, rubbing in circles. 

She shakes her head, revealing a white stick in her hand. Your eyes widen when you realize what it is. 

“These aren’t real right? These are joke tests?”

Nancy looks up at you in teary puppy dog eyes. 

“I don’t know,” she hiccups. “I don’t know what to do. I was hoping it was a false alarm.”

Trying to make her feel better, you grab one of the untouched sticks and sit on the top of the toilet. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll pee on one too, and then we can see if it’s a false positive okay?”

“Okay.” She murmurs softly, chin now resting on her knees as she cowers against the shower door. 

“Have you and Jonathan talked about this kind of stuff?” You ask, shimmying your sweats down.

She shrugs and looks to the side. “It’s too early. He’s just so focused on his career and I just got this job….it’s in the plans...just - not right now.”

You cock your head to the side with a sympathetic look.

“Hey. It’s all going to work out fine alright? You don’t have to tell him yet. We can figure it out. I’ll help you.”

Nancy sniffles and dabs at her teary eyes. She nods.  

You both wait for the test results after a few minutes. You try to make her feel better with some small talk but you can tell the results weigh heavily on her mind. You grab the stick when enough time has passed, eager to make her feel better until you take a look at it.

“See? Nothing to be worried about.” You reassure her, waving the stick a few inches away from her face.

Nancy does a double-take. Her mouth formed an “O”. 

“What?” Your grin falls. “Two lines means not pregnant right?” 

She stands quickly, balancing herself on the edge of the sink. “Two lines is….pregnant.”

Your heart drops. 

“Please say you’re joking.”

“No, it says it right here, look.” She hands you the paper from the box and on it clear as day, two lines equal pregnant.

You drop the stick onto the sink and start to hyperventilate. Nancy abandons the paper and wraps an arm around you.

“Are you? Are you - pregnant too?”

“No! No, I can’t be. I - I haven’t had sex since like Halloween week!”

Nancy gives you a knowing look. Your face falls. 

“I’m too young to be pregnant!” You exclaim.

“What?” 

“Nothing, brain fart.” 

You rush out the bathroom door and downstairs to the kitchen where she keeps the home phone. You dial Robin’s number as fast as you can and tap your feet impatiently as you hear the line trilling.

“Come on, pick up.” You whisper.

Nancy rushes downstairs to stand in the doorway, clutching the manual and listening.

“Hello?” Robin’s voice alleviates some of your panic.

“Hold on I’m putting you on speaker.” You say, letting Nancy get a better listen.

“What? What’s going on? Did Steve apologize yet?”

You exhale shakily. “No, no he didn’t, I - um, I have something to tell you.”

You can hear Robin set down whatever she was holding as you capture her full attention. “What is it? You’re scaring me.”

“There’s no easy way to say this….but…I think, I’m pregnant.”

“You’re what?! Shut up!” Robin screeches. “Kali! Get in here!”

“What happened?” You hear Kali’s voice a split second later.

“Say what you just said again!” Robin commands.

“Kali, I think I’m pregnant.”

“You’re what?!?!” She gasps.

“I know!” You clap your hands over your face in shame and silently scream into them.

“Oh my god, what have you done? To like - the world?!” Robin cuts in. 

“Robin…” Kali scolds.

“I’m sorry!”

“Oh god, what do I do?” You question the speakerphone.

“That kid is going to come out with a full head of hair and try to flirt with the nurse the second it’s born.” Robin bursts into a fit of laughter. 

“Not funny, Robin!” You glare at the phone, trying to remain calm.

“Well, now you have to tell him!” Kali says.

“No, I don’t! You saw how well things went over a coffee machine, imagine a kid!” 

“You have to! What if this is what he needs to stop acting like a kid?” Robin tries to reason. “He was always good with kids in high school and part of the reason is that those were his only friends!”

You cringe, remembering those stories. 

“If losing his best friend wasn’t enough for him to stop acting like an idiot, what makes you think throwing a kid into the mix would?”

“I dunno. But Kali’s right. You have to tell him. Otherwise what happens when you start showing and the worst thing he can think is you’re getting fat?”

You scoff. 

“Maybe they’re right,” Nancy chimes in. “I mean, how long are you going to go without talking to him? You have to make up at some point.” 

You groan in frustration, raking your hands through your hair. 

“I really hate that I consider you guys my moral compass. I truly do.” 

Having responsible friends really was a pain sometimes. 

The phone line rings and blares red as another call was coming through. 

“That must be Jonathan.” Nancy guesses.

“Robin hold on, Jonathan might be on the line.” 

“Oh good, I want to know what he thinks of all this.”

Nancy puts Robin on hold and picks up the phone from the receiver. 

“Hello? Hold on, hold on, what’s going on?” 

You can hear whoever’s calling speaking fast. 

“No, she’s not here.” She lies.

You take a break from your panic attack to try and listen to the frantic voice on the other end. It’s all too fast for you to understand.

“You’re where? Slow down!” Nancy asks, glancing at you now and pointing to the phone. 

“It’s Steve.” She mouths.

You freeze. 

“Okay! Okay! I’ll let her know if I see her.” She hangs up and presses the button to get Robin back.

“What’s the sitch?” 

“He said something about a dog.” 

“Mickey?” Your voice grows concerned. 

“I guess? He just said that something was wrong and he went to take him to the animal hospital.”

Your stomach dropped to your ass. You rushed over to the front door and put on your shoes as fast as you could. 

“Did he say which one?” You ask, borrowing one of Jonathan’s coats. There was no way you were going out there in just sweats and a henley. 

“Ummm I don’t know, I think the one on West and 61st street.” 

“That’s where I work!” You exclaim. “You don’t have a car?”

Nancy shakes her head. “Jonathan’s the one who drives.”

“What about you Robin?” 

“No can do, me and Kali have a meeting but keep me posted! Good luck!”

“Screw it I’ll take a cab.” You say goodbye to Nancy and rush out the door and brave the cold. 

You whistle down a cab and hop in. “Murray’s Animal Hospital, please. And step on it!”

“Wait, (Y/N)? Is that you?” A familiar voice asks you.

The driver turns around, revealing himself to be…..speak of the devil, Danny. 

“Danny? Oh for fuck’s sake.” You sigh and rub at your temples.

“Hey!” He says in a lighthearted tone. “Long time no see.”

“Danny, I will literally pay you extra to shut up and drive like hell alright?” 

Danny does as he’s told and hauls ass. You grab a hold of the bar on top of your head for each swerve and crazed turn he does that earns him a honk of the horn from other cars and nearly sends you flying out of your seat.

Two messy car ride minutes later and you rush out of the taxi as soon as he parks outside the entrance to the animal hospital. 

“Hey!”

“Give me a minute!” You flip him off and ignore him as you try not to think of the worst-case scenario happening with Mickey.

You must look like a lunatic to the girl sitting at your desk with wild hair and an overall messy appearance. You try your best to fix yourself up.

“Where is he? Where’s Mickey?” You ask frantically.

“Who?” Your replacement sitting at your desk asks.

“A black dog! He came in with someone, big hair? Big head?”

She gets the gist and points to the right and down the hallway. You take deep breaths as you will yourself to put on a brave face. 

Steve’s sitting on a chair with his face in his hands. He looks up when he hears the patterning of your footsteps against the sheet vinyl flooring. He gets up quickly, nearly knocking the chair over.

“H-Hey.” He says nervously, hand on his arm. 

Come on, you can do this. You can do this.

“Hey.” You breathe. 

He’s taking you in from top to bottom. It’s the first time he’s seen you since Halloween night. 

“I missed you.”

“What happened?” 

You both say in unison.

Your mouth falls agape as you take in his confession. Fortunately, he pretends like your question took more priority. 

“I don’t know. One second my stepbrothers are playing with him, the next he’s choking on some toy they brought.”

“What was so important that you couldn’t keep an eye on him? I knew it. I knew I should’ve come back for him.” 

You didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh but the situation was starting to make you realize something. Say you did have this kid, would it even survive for a month? 

“My dad came to visit.” He stares down at the tips of his shoes, shoving his hands into his pockets. The same way he did last time you saw him. 

“Oh.” You let out. Well, this changes things.

“What did he want?”

“He wanted to fix things.”

“Did it work?”

He shrugs. “Having that talk with him, it made me realize something.”

Your breath gets caught in your throat. “What is it?”

“Hey, you coming or not? The meter’s running.” Danny’s voice comes to interrupt a peaceful conversation.

“Danny.” Steve acknowledges.

“Hey,” Danny replies, eyeing him. “Stan, right?”

“It’s actually Steve.” He corrects.

Danny laughs it off. “Okay man.”

You squeeze your eyes shut as you know this situation just took a turn. You grab a handful of bills from your pocket and shove them into his chest. 

“Fuck off.” You command.

Danny takes his wad of money and leaves. 

Things fall silent again as Steve clears his throat. 

“So….Danny huh?”

“Oh shut up, I needed a ride. I didn’t know he was the one driving the damn cab.” 

“Does he know about me?” 

“No. Yes. I don’t know. I figure the whole sleeping with my sister thing cancels out if he sees me with someone else.”

Steve nods, confused. 

Beat.

“Can I...can I tell you something?” Steve asks, getting closer and closer to you. You feel butterflies when he does.

“Please don’t make a big speech.”

“It’s not a big speech. It’s a medium - medium speech.”

“Okay….”

“You were right. You were completely and totally right about me. I am an asshole. And you were right about these weddings. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I would get in my head about all these things that the perfect person should or shouldn’t be. And I’ve been thinking. A lot. Being alone in that apartment made me realize something.” 

“That you’re lonely and afraid of commitment?” 

He chuckles. “No. You’re not there to insult me or make fun of me when I come home from work. You’re not there to tell me how much of an idiot I look in the groomsmen photos or how my speech was shitty. You’re not even there with me and Mickey.”

He’s starting to tear up, his eyes get blurry and watery and he has to wipe discreetly at them. It was time to confront his demons and make it up to you. Being alone was just a taste of what would become of him if he didn’t swallow his pride.

“And I know the only reason you’re not there is because I hurt you. I hurt the one person who never deserved it. And I pushed you away because I’m stupid and I’m selfish and fuck me for being too late but I love you! I love you.”

You felt your lip quivering with each little detail he added about his epiphany. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was the declaration of love.

“Y-You love me?” Your voice cracks.

“Of course.” He breathes out, hands reaching for yours to take reassuringly. 

“Steve...I really….I have to tell you something.”

“Please don’t say you and Danny are back together.” 

“No...no it’s not that,” you try to work up the courage to tell him. “I’m....I think - I’m pregnant.”

Steve steps back for a moment. He feels the shock settle in. He lets out a surprised gasp as he takes both his hands and folds them behind his head. 

“You’re what?”

[taleasnewastime]

There’s no way

Jin x reader genre: fluff word count: 3.3k

a/n: This is basically just a whole ramble based off the song “There’s no way” by Lauv and Julia Michaels. Hope you enjoy and it’s not too much waffle!

The film you were watching with the boys was slowly coming to an end as you felt a yawn leave your mouth. You worked with the boys and it had become a sort of weird tradition that when you were home and had a day off you would come round and watch a film together. Tonight, you were watching You’ve Got Mail as it was new on Netflix. It was one of your all-time favourite films so you forced yourself to stay awake throughout although you were knackered from your countless days of working.  

Just as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks started making out in the park you kicked the blankets off you making Jin jump next to you.  

“Right if I don’t go now, I don’t think I will ever go,” you leap off the sofa.  

“Why don’t you just stay?” Yoongi states.

“Because I live 5 minutes down the road and I have a perfectly good bed there and then it means I won’t have to wake up tomorrow morning and deal with you lot.”

“Fair enough, just saying that the offer is always there.”

“Thanks Yoongi,” you smile at him as you start walking towards the door.

“Don’t forget we’re all going to that bar tomorrow to celebrate,” Jimin shouts as you head closer to the door.

“Yeah yeah, I know, see you guys there at 8.”

You finally reach the door and start to put your shoes on.  

“You know, Yoongi is right, you are always welcome to stay over.” You hadn't realised Jin had followed you to the door until he spoke.  

As you finish putting your shoes on you stand up and put your jacket round your shoulders.  

“And as I said to Yoongi, I appreciate the offer but I have a perfectly decent flat just 5 minutes away,” you look up into Jins eyes and smile. “Thanks for tonight. And thanks for being on my side for watching You’ve Got Mail. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow? Is Clare going to be joining us?”  

“Yeah, tomorrow. I think she’ll be there. I mean I’ve invited her but we’re kind of going through a rough patch at the moment so who knows what she’ll do.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Jin, I didn’t realise.”  

Clare was Jin current girlfriend. From what you knew the two of them had only been going out for a few months so you were surprised when he said things weren’t going well.  

“No worries. To tell you the truth it's not been good for a while now,” he leans against the wall and runs a hand over his face. “What about you?”  

“What?” He looks into your eyes as you look back at him confused.

“Are you bringing anyone tomorrow?” He says it so seriously, eyes not leaving yours.  

“Nope. You know how it goes, if you have somebody then I don’t, and if I have somebody, you don’t.” A smile breaks onto his face at this long-standing joke. For as long as you had known Jin there was never a moment when you had either both been with somebody at the same time or both been single. Much to your dismay.  

“So, I guess I will just see you tomorrow then,” he says softly.

“Yep, tomorrow,” you reply just as softly.

You stand staring at each other for what felt like hours, but is really just a few seconds, before you finally turn and open the door, walking through it. You give him one last smile as you close the door and head home.  

The next night comes around fast. Mainly because you had a hectic morning of doing odd jobs. Before you know it you are walking into the loud bar who’s address you’d been sent by Jimin. As you make your way to the bar you recognise a few faces of people you work with you smile at them as you go to get a drink.  

“You finally made it,” a voice almost shouts out next to you.  

“I would call this being on time,” you turn to smile at Jimin.  

“We won't count the minutes, but if we were to, I’d say you were 13 minutes late,” you laugh at him as he gives you a hug. “13 minutes late or not I’m glad you came,” he whispers into your ear.

“I mean I think I’m probably somehow contractually obliged to come tonight.”

“Don’t lie, you love coming to these things.”  

“Come on let's just get a drink.”  

Jimin orders you both a drink and picks them both up when they are placed in front of him. Without saying anything he walks away from you leaving you to trail behind. He finally places the drinks down on a corner table and as you reach to take a sip you are embraced in yet another hug.  

“Y/N, you came,” Jungkook squeezes you a tad too tightly.  

“Why are you all assuming I wouldn’t have come?” You pout slightly as Jungkook pulls away.  

“Because your Y/N,” Hoseok puts an arm around your shoulder squeezing slightly and smiling.  

“And what the hell does that mean.”  

“It means, you’re like me,” Yoogni stays seated as he looks up at you. “You wouldn’t be here unless you had to be.”

You simply scoff in response. “I mean am I that boring and predictable?”

“Hey, are you calling me boring and predictable?” Yoongi mocks hurt, everyone else laughing.  

You roll your eyes and take a sip of your drink. “And here I was going to say it's nice to see you guys,” you glance around the room. “Where are the others anyway?”  

“Jins over talking to someone by the snacks I think.”  

You immediately look towards the snack table, only to try and hide you quick reaction looking back to Jimin. “And Tae and Joon?”  

“Oh right, I think I heard them talking about getting some more drinks.”  

You hum in response and the conversation moves on. As it does you start to tune out and turn back to look over to the snack table. It had only been a day, less than that, probably only a few hours, since you’d seen Jin but you couldn’t wait to see him again. As someone moved away from the table you caught sight of him. He had a plate in his hand and he was chatting to someone next to him. One of them obviously said something funny because Jins face lights up as his head rolls back slightly into a big laugh. Although you were too far away to hear it you can imagine the sound and a slight smile takes form on your face. You turn back to the conversation going on at the table in front of you, smile still on your face, as you meet Yoongis eyes. The smile drops from your face as if you have been caught in some awful act but he just gives you a sad smile in acknowledgement. Your face heats up slightly as you ignore Yoongi and try to listen to what Hoseok is saying, adding your own comments and jokes to the mix.

“Guys, the food tonight is some of the best I’ve had at one of these things. I brought back a plate for you to have but if you want more you should go now, saw a few people pigging out so don’t think it's going to last.” A plate is set down on the table in front of you and Jungkook immediately grabs some sandwiches. “Hey Y/N,” you look to see Jin smiling down at you.  

“Hey,” you smile back up at him.  

You continue to stare into each other's eyes for a second more before he interrupts. “If you want any of that food I’d get in quick.”

You turn to see the plate is nearly empty as each of the boys is almost shovelling the food into their mouths. You give a big laugh as you watch.  

You turn back to Jin smile still on your face to see him already looking at you. You smile falters slightly as you aren’t expecting him to be looking your way. “Where’s Clare then?” You ask.

“Oh, um, she couldn’t make it,” the smile that was on his face falls.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t worry about it, she had something else going on anyway.”  

“Right,” you sigh. “You know, I should socialise with other people,” you clap your hands together, looking around the room. “As much as I love hanging out with you guys, I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression that I have favourites. And as Yoongi so rightly pointed out, this is a works party and I should probably mingle with some other people.”  

“But I am your favourite right?” Jimin pouts at you.  

“Of course, Chim,” you beam at him as you pick up you glass and give a slight wave at them all as you walk off.  

For the rest of the night you talk to your work colleagues and get slightly inebriated. It's not until the music starts to get louder and room is made for people to dance that you realise how drunk you truly are. You and another girl dance over to where the space has been cleared and start jumping around to the music. You hadn’t seen any of the boys since you left them earlier in the night so you couldn’t help but smile when Jimin comes bounding over.  

“Chim!” You almost scream, wrapping him in a tight hug.  

He laughs in your arms and starts to rock you both to the music before taking your arms and twirling around. You can’t stop laughing as you both dance together, starting to involve your friend too.  

“Hobi!” Jimin suddenly screams trying to get the mans attention, arms flailing in the air. Hobi spins around and his face erupts into a beaming smile at the sight of Jimin. Strutting over he joins your growing circle of dancers. As more and more people join and as the night goes on you became more and more delirious, both from laughing and alcohol.  

Mid laugh you make eye contact with Jin who’s stood on his own at the edge of the crowd of dancers. You immediately start making your way over to him, smile never leaving your face.  

“Why aren’t you dancing?” You ask.

“You know I’m not the best dancer.”

“Pull the other one, you are 10 times better than me and I’m still out there shaking my ass,” you laugh, demonstrating the moves you were previously doing on the dance floor.

“Oh, I saw,” he states under his breath. “I’m happy to observe tonight.”

“No come on, I am not having that.”  

And with that you take his hand and start dragging him back to the spot you previously occupied. You ignore the feeling in the hand that is holding his, but when you get to your destination and let it go you miss the feeling. Putting those thoughts to the back of your mind, you go back to dancing. It takes him a few minutes but in no time Jin joins in with everyone and is soon doing the craziest dances. But it doesn’t take long for a wave of sleep to come over you. One second the life of the party, the next second you wish you were tucked up in bed.  

“I think it’s my bed time,” Jin has to lean down so you can speak into his ear.  

“Come on, I’ll walk you out.”

You grab your coat on the way out and try putting it on as you walk down the steps outside, which was a bad decision as you stumble slightly.  

“Easy there,” Jin pulls you into him so you don’t fall. You laugh almost hysterically as you both make your way down the rest of the steps. “How much did you have to drink tonight?”

“I lost count when Jimin started bring me shots.”

“And this is why you should never go on a night out with Jimin.”

“Hey, he’s fun. And I’m not that drunk.”  

“Yeah, not sure how much of that I believe. Shall I call you a taxi?”

“Nah, I think I’ll walk.”

Jins head shoots to you. “No, I don’t think you will.”

“I’m a big girl, I’ve walked myself home many times, I’m sure I won’t get lost,” you button up your coat and pull your bag in closer readying yourself for the walk home. It was only a 15-minute walk anyway.  

“It’s not you getting lost I’m worried about Y/N.”

“Well there should be nothing to worry about then,” you smile up at him sarcastically. “It’s been a lovely night Jin, thanks for dancing with me.”

“Y/N.”

“Oh and thanks for bring that plate of food over at the start of the night,” you ignore him, not giving him a chance to get a work in.  

“Y/N.”

“Not that I had much of the food as the boys gobbled it before I got a look in.”

“Y/N,” Jin almost shouts to get you to stop talking and it works as you stare at him in shocked silence. “If you will let me talk, I was going to say that I will walk you home.”

“Oh no need, I know the way.”

Jin sighs but couldn’t help the slight laugh that leaves his lips. “I’m not worried about you getting lost Y/N. If you won’t get a taxi, I won’t let you walk home alone.”

“Fine,” you say stubbornly. “You know, sometimes it feels like you’re my dad.”

“Well sometimes I feel like I’m the dad of 6 boys, so what’s the difference if I add one more person to that.”

“Come on then, at the moment you should be more concerned about me catching a cold. If you’re walking me home let's go,” you roll your eyes as you start walking off.  

He soon catches you up and you fall into a steady rhythm. You start talking easily about the night you had just had, laughing at things that you’d both heard that night and you smile to yourself at how nice it is. As you walk you felt the tension between the two of you build, hands occasionally brushing against one another. The tension between the two of you wasn’t unusual and if you were honest you had always felt like you and Jin would eventually get together but the timing was never right.  

As you walked, talked and laughed you felt so happy. You wished you could make time stop and forget everyone and everything except the two of you. But you remained calm and hid your feelings from him, though you didn’t think you ever did a good job. Any idiot could probably tell how in love with him you were.  

15 minutes later you arrive at your door. As you push open the door and start walking in Jin stays still.

“Not coming in?” You turn around to face him and stand so you are holding the door open.  

“I should probably head home too.”

“At least come in for a drink while you wait for a taxi.”

“I think I’ll walk.”

“Is this my queue to offer to walk you home?” You roll your eyes at him and a light chuckle leaves his lips.  

“It’s a 5-minute walk, I think I’d be home and in bed by the time a taxi was to even consider turning up.”  

“You sure it’s not just because you don’t want to spend more time with me,” you mock as a pout comes to your lips.  

“You know that I would spend every second with you if I could.”

You heart stops.  

“So why don’t you come in?” Your question comes out almost as a whisper.  

Jin sighs, running a hand over his face. “It’s been a long night. I think I just need some sleep.”  

“Oh,” is all you can think to say as your eyes drop to the floor. His feet soon come into your sight and you feel his hand on your cheek. He lifts you head so you are looking at him again.  

“I had a really nice night. We’ll see each other again soon, yeah?”  

“I’m sure we’ll probably see each other at work on Monday,” you smile sadly at him.  

He slowly leans into you and you remain still. Eyes still locked to his. Heart pounding in your chest. As he inches closer you suddenly come to your senses and turn your head at the last minute, pulling him into a hug to cover up whatever was about to happen.  

As you pull away you look back at him and say, “well I hope Clare is OK and you can hang out on the weekend.”

His hand scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah, same.”

A few more awkward moments pass.  

“Well I should head off.”

“Thanks for walking me home. And get home safe yourself, text me when you get in so I know your OK.”  

“Of course,” he says before heading off into the night.  

It had been almost a week since that night and you hadn’t seen or spoken to Jin since. The last text you received from him was him saying that he had got home safely, which you hadn’t replied to. So, you were surprised when you saw his name on your phone screen indicating that he was calling you.  

“Hello?” You answer.

“Have you got a boyfriend?”

You were confused by the statement and even held your phone out to check it was Jin you were talking to.  

“What?”

“You heard me, have you got a boyfriend? Or have you been on dates with anyone recently that you could see becoming your boyfriend?”

“What are you on about Jin?”

“Just answer the question, Y/N.”

“No Jin, I don’t have a boyfriend. You only saw me last week, and I had no boyfriend, or potential boyfriend then, who do you think I am?” You laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.  

“Me and Clare have broken up.”

“Oh,” you find yourself at a loss for words again. “I’m sorry to hear that Jin.”

“Don’t be, like I said it’s been bad for a while.”

“What has this got to do with me having a boyfriend?”

“Whenever I break up with someone you are always fresh into a relationship, I just wanted to check.”

“Seriously?” You laugh.

“Yeah, because if you had a boyfriend then I couldn’t ask you out on a date.”

You heart stops. Why does it always do that around this man?

“What? Jin you’ve just broken up with your girlfriend and you’re asking me on a date?”

“If I wait much longer my chance will be gone. I’ve wanted to go out with for a while but time has never lined up. Well, now it’s lining up and I want to go on a date with you.”

“I don’t want to be just a rebound for you Jin.”

“Y/N, you could never be a rebound,” he says sternly. “You know how much I care for you.”

“OK,” a smile takes over your face, your heart taking over from your mind.  

“OK?” He says in slight shock.

“OK!” You say smile now fully taking over your face and heart pounding in your chest as you think about the date you have been imagining for so long that is finally going to happen.  

[mavspeed]

First Line Meme

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line, then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

Hey @applesfallingfromblondehair, thanks for the tag love!! likewise i dont usually do this but this feels interesting so lets see if my ass has improved over the last few stories lmfkjgjk

also this will prob be a mix of xmcu fic + kingsman fic bc i think i have a more or less equal number of fics written for both

1.

The first time Charles meets Lucifer Morningstar, actual devil from hell, ruler of the underworld, fallen son of the lord above and god knows what else, it had been after Erik had been sentenced to life imprisonment in the highest security cell in the Pentagon. 

- this is from a professor and a devil walk into a bar, which is kinda a crossover rarepair fic that rose out of me and mutuals on twitter discussing tom ellis and james mcavoy being roommates and kinda... devolved from there. i am proud of this one lmfnjgkj

2.

“Are you okay, Professor?” Hank asks quietly.

Charles blinks. He supposes it’s a valid question. He’s been in a bit of a funk the past few days- scratch that actually, the past few years. He’s just lost so much- his father, and then his mother’s love, and then Raven and Erik and Sean and countless others. Building a school, gaining students he loved to teach and nurture hadn’t helped him in the slightest, and he’s as lost as he ever was, wandering the halls of a drafty mansion alone, feeling like he’s been stranded at sea even whilst surrounded by people.

- from in the belly of the beast, which again came out of me wondering what would have happened if fox had gone w their original plan and charles had been that last horseman instead of erik. this story will prob gain a sequel... sometime in the near future when im not too bogged down by current wips

3. 

The Xavier family hall of the deceased- because of course they’re weird enough to have a cemetery- is full of rows upon rows of holograms. Charles is four and gets bored of his father crying over his mother’s hologram, so he toddles over to the other rows. Unfamiliar names, all of them- Charles is young, and he doesn’t understand death. He doesn’t even know who his mother is, who’d died at childbirth and left him with a father still at a loss when it came to bringing up a kid.

- from tequila on a spaceship, the sequel to a fic that still has some people angry at me i think. this fic never did gain as much traction as the first one but im still proud of it esp since it discusses certain themes of reincarnation that ive always wanted to see explored for myself in reincarnation aus (and i only ever saw it in danveresque’s reincarnation au)

4.

There are cork boards covering every inch of the wall. Red strings, photographs, conspiracy threads, everything. Raven takes it in, swallowing, noticing the picture in the middle.

It’s one of Charles, when he’d been in university. His final year- he'd just been done presenting his year- end project, his fringe a tumbled mess and a bright smile on his lips. Erik had taken the picture, Charles scurrying to his side once he’d been done and demanding to look at the image, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. He looks like how Raven had always imagined him to be.

“He wouldn’t want this,” she finally says, turning to look at Erik.

- from tequila on a beach, the first fic to the fic above. this fic is v special to me because i actually wrote this on a spiral after having a very tough visit with one of my parents in the hospital after a surgery for organ removal to prevent the onset of cancer. its simpler than my other fics yet i think more powerful because of what happens. also i think the first time i killed charles off lol (spoiler alert). also idk if ppl were aware of this but this is called tequila on a beach precisely bc charles and erik were tipsy from tequila at a frat party and then went to a beach. its the way they first met (and will continue to meet for all their next lives)

5. 

Erik doesn’t know how it all started. Maybe it was when his insane sergeant had started rambling about imaginary cities, treasures of gold and cursed incantations. Maybe it was when trickles of rumours had started pouring down about the higher ups wanting to investigate unfound territory, disregard the Egyptian government’s feelings on the matter, and put a previously unfound myth on the map for all the world to see. Or maybe, Erik thinks, it was when archaeologist Klaus Schmidt put a bullet through his mother’s head and he ended up going to America armed with dual citizenship and the sole intent of wanting to drive a coin directly between Schmidt’s eyes, joining a division of the American military focused solely on guarding archaeological digs- more importantly, in Egypt, where Schmidt’s interest had shifted.

- from courting the end of the world, another one i’m just insanely proud of! this is the first time i’ve ever attempted a multichapter movie au and it actually managed to work pretty well, i at least haven’t run out of inspiration for it yet lmfjgjg. also erik as himbo rick connell... very rent free in my head

6. 

The day after they murder Shaw and leave his house of horrors, Erik crosses the Canadian border with Charles across his back. Charles had started getting tired while they’d been walking, stumbling and nearly tripping until Erik had forced him to get on his back, ignoring Charles’ protests.

The blood’s seeping out steadily from Charles’ nose, staining his shirt and soaking it through. It’s been leaking on and off, and the effects are already obvious in the dark circles beneath Charles’ eyes. Any more, and Erik knows they’ll have to find him a doctor. He hopes the nearest town in Canada has one that would be willing to treat them.

- from a world built for two. i actually dk where the inspiration for this came from, i think i was once again on a depressive spiral and wanted to break my comfort characters into pieces and put them together again. this also deals with codependency and unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of trauma which i showed as sweet in the fic but i would def not recommend in real life. pls if u relate to either charles or erik in this go see a therapist

7. 

The call comes in the afternoon, an hour before Charles is supposed to teach his Intro to Genetics class. Frowning, Charles abandons the game of Candy Crush he’d admittedly been playing rather badly and picks it up. “Charles sp-”

“We need you, Prof,” Kitty says desperately into the phone. “He’s been in a temper all morning, and then Alex’s reports missed out a whole subsection, so he’s fired the entire marketing team! Please, Professor, you have to come immediately!”

- from and we can be pirates. i wrote this in like 4 seconds for my friend who wanted professor charles and ceo erik and actually did not expect this to gain the attention it did... its always the fics u write in like 4 seconds lmfjggj. a sequel for this Is coming too probably at some point in the very far future

8. 

Charles Xavier can admit as he sits across from Essex, hands cuffed to the desk, that in hindsight, this had perhaps not been one of his better ideas.

He refuses to admit it as he controls Erik’s mind, preventing him from lashing out and making him close his eyes to the nightmare unfolding in front of him. He refuses to admit it as he gets shoved into the back of a black pickup truck, and the butt of a gun is smashed across his forehead hard enough to knock him out cold for a few hours. He refuses to admit it when he wakes up what appears to be hours later in a cold interrogation room, hands cuffed to the table in front of him, with a suppression collar rendering his mind dark and almost achingly silent.

- from from the land of gods (bring me home). i’ve been struggling w this fic a lot (it didnt come as easily to me as the first one did) but its getting there. also i put charles through hell in this rip sorry mister xavier

9.

In the aftermath, both of them stand at the border of the mansion. The air feels frigid, slicing into Raven’s lungs like a thousand paper cuts. “Charles, please,” she begs, heart in her throat and voice hoarse. “He wouldn’t want you to be like this. He wouldn’t want you to do this. It’s not too late, you can come back.”

Charles gazes back, a brick wall. He hasn’t even cleaned up, still in that damnable yellow and blue suit with blood drying in the corners of his mouth, the bridge of his nose. There’s nothing in his eyes- blank, almost see through. He looks as if he’s a mere shade, a ghost lounging about where he once was. Raven knows better.

“I will raze the world to the ground,” he finally says, his voice free of any inflection, “and when I’m done, no one will be left standing. Not you, and certainly not me.”

- from where all the poets went to die, a dark fic based on what would have happened if moira had killed erik with the bullets. its the first time ive written dark charles and it was v fun if im being honest

10. 

Charles is a light sleeper. It’s a trait that stays with him- all the way from his father and the tests to taking care of his mother to Cain Marko and his fists to Cuba and then now, the dust of Washington settling over him and making the waking world lie an inch beyond his eyelids. It therefore stands to reason that the second the windowsill creaks he’s up in a shot, hoisting himself up and lashing out with his telepathy instantly.

That’s not a trait that had stayed with him. That’s a newly formed trait, bitter and bold, carved into existence by Cuba by his students disappearing one by one in Vietnam by the letters that announce Sean’s death in black unfriendly print by-

The tendrils of his telepathy forged cold and distant meet a barrier and recoil, stunned. He focuses his eyes and then widens them, staring at Erik who stares back, hidden beneath that infernal muddied magenta helmet of his. They stare at each other for a moment before Erik clears his throat.

- from in the valley of kings (you will come home). my first ever cherik fic! im actually also proud of this one even if i ended it horribly and half my mutuals refuse to read it bc of how it ended LMFJGJGJ. i cant believe this was supposed to be a funny and cute kid fic and then i turned it into an angst ridden mess. also leo is actually an oc whose adult version is fancasted as charlie rowe by me and another mutual on twitter and im v proud that readers are willing to die for the baby

11. 

Mike has to google it, finding a crafts shop nestled into the corner of the street right smack in the middle of Louisiana, past a long and winding dirt road and the crumbling farmhouses relics of a time long past. The air is hot, humid, sticking to the back of his neck like an unwieldy parasite as he pushes the door of the shop open to the sound of the bell tinkling above.

He finds the origami paper quickly enough and has a momentary breakdown about what Bill’s favourite colour even is- he had never thought to ask him. Twenty seven years of following every single footstep of his like a dedicated, most definitely creepy stalker, three months of more than a few states traversed with Bill’s laughter now echoing in his ears like a shadow that trails after him, and this is what stumps him. It takes ten minutes, but he finally settles on light green.

- my first and last entry into the IT fandom bc i love these two but to be very fair there isn’t much content out there for him (and twitter content actually intimidates me lmfjgjjg) a thousand paper cranes never got much traction either but i suspect its bc i was horrible at promoting it. also i very much love this fic even if it never did that well bc ive always wanted to write a fic like this after watching the movie in cinemas in 2019

12.

ok nsfw i guess 

Mornings start like this- Eggsy snuffling into David’s neck, attempting to work his way back up to wakefulness as David sleeps the sleep of the dead, the streams of morning sunlight gradually lightening up the room. It’s a while before he gets the energy to sit up, pushing an eager V off the bed- V for Vendetta, a kitten named after one of David’s favourite movies that they’d adopted about a month after moving in together- before stumbling to the loo. He’s already in the shower when David comes in, naked as the day he’s born with his arms entwining themselves around Eggsy’s waist as he murmurs a sleep-soft, “Good morning, love,” as he presses a kiss into the two-days-old hickey on Eggsy’s shoulder. His breath smells of toothpaste, the minty fresh kind he insists on buying from Target no matter how much Eggsy insists that the other brand is much better. Without fail, Eggsy always has a split second thought of thinking that he must truly be in heaven because no way can this be his reality, every single day, before sinking to his knees and allowing David’s cock to hit the back of his throat.

- from that’s the kind of love i’ve been dreaming of. i genuinely wish i had an opinion for this but i don’t remember writing this its been way too long

13. 

The first time Eggsy sees her is in Trafalgar Square.

Trafalgar Square is uncomfortably packed on any normal day, but on New Year’s it is quite the hothouse. Sweating armpits and hot bodies plastered against each other, the twinkling lights overhead providing a flash of blue and green and yellow and red, screaming children and giggling teenagers shoving their way through- it’s a recipe for disaster. Eggsy doesn’t know how he ends up there. It happens sometimes- one second he blinks, sequestered in the comfort of his living room, and the next he’s somewhere else, as if he’s been teleported. “Life goes past you,” Tilde had said once, “and you don’t even notice.” Tilde would be right.

- this is a roxy and eggsy friendship centric fic that i abandoned bc i lost my ardor for this world about the same time i got into xmen lmfjgjg. all the king’s horses also had some great fancasts in it with dev patel fancasted too... rip ig

14. 

once again, nsfw

Eggsy, truth be told, doesn’t actually like having sex in bathrooms. First of all, bathrooms generally have an unsanitary air about them. Besides that, the granite of the sinks always feel cold against his hips, there is the ever present fear of being walked in on and unlike what people might say, he actually really isn’t that much of an exhibitionist- and truth be told, he’s never liked the look of himself in the mirror mid coitus.

For David Budd, however, he suspects he might be up for anything.

- from do you ever dream of me. im actually proud of this fic and this series, i never usually write straight up porn or friends w benefits and i think it worked well in here. once again didnt get much traction but that was very of the norm for my kingsman fics lmfjgj

15.

It is on his fifth meeting with the therapist on site that she brings the issue up. The elephant in the room- or the bomb , David thinks morbidly. If asked, he can’t remember specifics about that day now. All he remembers is this- the burn of Julia’s picture in his wallet against his thigh, the Botticelli painting on the far wall and Miss Paulson’s face, severe and unsmiling.

“When you couldn’t reach Julia,” she says, after he finishes describing the feeling of running to Julia, the panic searing his chest as he’d prayed for his legs to work faster so he could do something, anything to reach her hand. “How did that make you feel?”

- from your haunted social scene. i genuinely... do not remember anything about this either helpfkjgjg,,, this has 55 comments tho which. Nice

16.

David brings her home on- in a move far too cliche for it to be reality- a stormy night. It’s in fact storming so hard the windowpanes shudder like leaves in the wind, droplets crashing against the glass in a cacophony so loud Eggsy more than once considers turning the radio all the way up to drown it out. He’d gone scrounging for David’s sweatshirts instead of his own halfway through, wincing intermittently at the flashes of thunder. At a particularly loud one JB had jumped up, squeaked in a very undoglike manner and skidded across the floor to cower beneath the sofa, only coming out when coaxed by Eggsy to do so. Officer Oatmeal had watched the proceedings from her regal place by the armchair, dozy eyed and blinking heavily.

- from a cat named lavender. from what i remember this was also my first try at bringing up trans eggsy

17.

He first appears at the black prince on a cold Monday evening, eyes like Frank Sinatra and lips arresting anyone’s gaze if they weren’t careful enough. He stood out too, clad in a respectable bomber jacket and boots that clicked against the tile rhythmically and loudly, a sort of organised, measured cacophony.

“Go and serve him,” Andrew said, fat and disinterested, seated behind the counter and idly flicking through bills, less than ten percent of which he pays Eggsy. “I’m busy.”

- from trust is left in lovers after all. i never continued this which is sad bc this did get a lot of attention... it was just v hard to keep the story going

18.

It usually rains cats and dogs in London but for some reason, the rain is heavier than usual today. The droplets splatter against the windows in a constant buzzing rhythm, the sound meshing together in a melody not altogether pleasant to the ears. It’s half past five and yet the light has to be kept on because that’s how dark the sky has gotten- thunder rolls like a loud crack, abrupt and deafening, causing Daisy to jump in her seat.

“Just a thunderstorm, flower,” Eggsy says. They’re seated at the dinner table, Eggsy going over her homework while David sits opposite them, hunched over his laptop as he attempts to finish a post mission report. Eggsy is half convinced he gave up ten minutes ago- he’s got his earbuds in and he hasn’t really typed anything in a while, eyes focused on the screen. His eyebrows are scrunched up in a glare that’s too adorable for his own good- and for Eggsy’s.

- from could feel like kryptonite. a lot of my kingsman fics are actually so much happier than my cherik ones... i should prob look into that rip

19.

“When you’re done lazing around you can come in, you dozy dog,” he tells Officer Oatmeal, who butts her nose into his knee. She’s the only one not on a diet in the house, Eggsy deeming her far too healthy and skinny to need one anyway. In fact, she’s under strict instructions by Eggsy to fatten up instead.

Once the animals are done feeding- Eggsy sporting a suspicious scratch on his left forearm- they settle down to eat their scrambled eggs and toast. David’s taken a large gulp of his scalding coffee when Eggsy says, all of a sudden, “So, I have a school reunion.”

- from gonna set this dance alight. don’t remember much about this either tbh

20. (the last one FINALLY)

It isn’t a big event or explosion that makes David realise he wants to see his father’s ring sitting pretty on Eggsy’s index finger. No teary confessions in the rain like in the rom coms Eggsy loves to rent out and sniffle his way through, or a fight that makes David see sense. In the end, it’s breakfast that cinches the deal for him.

The day had started out normally enough. David wakes up at eight like clockwork, the soft downy hair at the base of Eggsy’s neck tickling his nose with his arm locked tight around his waist. He’d yawned, exhausted- mostly because they’d stayed up very late into the night making good use of the bed- before standing up and shucking his shirt off to head for the shower. Eggsy had shifted in his sleep, mumbling something unintelligible, and the sight had been too endearing to resist so he’d bent down, pressing a kiss to his forehead and smiling when Eggsy groaned out loud.

- from lover boy rules. i actually started a lot of my kingsman fics in the same way which is rather awful of me. im glad thats changed with my xmen fics lmfjgjk. also this has 15 comments???? i dont even get that much attention with my xmcu fics these days... which is arguably a more active fandom... Hello

anyway that’s the end of it needless to say i do not know 10 other authors so im just gonna tag whoever i know rn: @hellfre , @queerneto, @ikeracity, @drinkingstars, @zebraljb

[dantays-inferno]

All the homages to Tom Hiddleston in the ME! music video

This may seem outdated now that TS8 has arrived, but I’ve been working on this post for a long time, and after a listen to Folklore, I think it’s still a bit relevant ;) 

I wanted to share some Easter eggs we unearthed while doing an archaeological excavation of the ME! music video.

I know what you’re thinking...that video came out over a year ago! Aren’t those Easter eggs a little rotten from sitting out there this whole time?

Don’t fret, dear reader. The eggs were well preserved like bread baked in Pompeii just before Mt. Vesuvius blew. That is to say, these Easter eggs pointing to Taylor’s undying love for Tom (who can blame her!) are both deeply buried and in shockingly plain sight.

Our journey into the excavation all started with this:

I was watching this video and noticed the jaguar sculpture on the desk and just about died because I will always associate jaguars with Tom Hiddleston’s ad campaign for them. The ads contain three of Taylor’s favorite things: London, cats, and Tom Hiddleston. I’m not sure what her feelings are on luxury cars, though of course she referenced the commercial on reputation (jag-you-ars.) You can watch them here, but be forewarned--you may feel weak in the knees by the end. You may also be triggered by seeing a human interacting with a big cat (I can’t be the only one who feels scarred by Tiger King...)

After this, I watched the ME! video again and saw one reference to Tom after another.

The living room scenes remind me of a Gucci ad campaign Tom in...fall of 2016. Oh. Seems significant.

1. Why those shoes. 2. How does he not have dog hair on his suit. 3. This very ad hung on my fridge for a month. 4. The color scheme and mod feel of this photo shoot feel very similar to the ME! living room. Taylor even included her own two animals (who are somewhat similar in color to these glamorous pooches.

Here’s another image from the Gucci campaign:

The suit Brendon wears while watching out the window, to me, mimics the suit Tom is wearing above. Not incidentally, the jaguar statue is at Brendon’s elbow. And you’ll notice that the pinkish pillow behind Tom’s right shoulder is basically the same color and texture as the sofas in the ME! living room.

Let me also note that all of the rooms above featured shades of green associated with Loki.

Well, that was fun. Let’s do some more.

The hallway Grace Kelly Taylor walks through at the beginning of the video always puzzled me. It was one of those things that stuck out but I couldn’t say why. Well, I wondered if it represented a place TS had been. I guess so because here is an interior shot of part of the Vatican Museums in Rome:

I saw this and just about fainted. Taylor and Tom visited the Vatican while in Rome in summer 2016. They were heavily papped, unfortunately. I can’t imagine how miserable that would have been, but they also did look very happy together. I get little heart eyes and then cry for Taylor (and Tom), praying for her happiness while listening to New Year’s Day. I might also mention she wore blue kitten heels, remarkably like the pink ones in this portion of the video. 

Now this is a find I’m truly proud of...here’s an interesting tie Tom wore many moons ago. And I really mean many moons ago because there are only these sad tiny photos you get when someone cropped a VHS recording they took of that time your were on TV in 2010.

First, what a great tie, and can I get a sundress made out of it too because I just really love floral prints. But besides that, I mean, I’m just getting some deja vu...

And the color scheme shows pretty well (along with the silky texture) in Brendon’s most excellent costume at the Billboard awards (which I would also like a dress of):

And there’s that whole Mary Poppins reference with Brendon teetering down from the sky on an umbrella. I couldn’t help but be reminded of this odd but somewhat talked-about short film “Leading Lady Parts” that Tom had a role in. The basis of the plot being that he wins all the leading female roles in movies because other women can’t live up to Hollywood’s (or whatever the British equivalent of Hollywood is) standards. So at the end of the film, a character walks past a series of posters where Tom has been photoshopped into famous female roles, including...

Something you’ll never unsee, I know. 

Okay, the next part needs its own whole SECTION.

Thor Ragnarok References

So partway through Taylor and Tom’s midsummer’s night dream, Tom started filming for Thor Ragnarok, one of Marvel’s greatest gifts to mankind, in Australia. The finished film came out on Nov. 3, 2017, just seven days before reputation.

To start with, the color of Loki’s costume shows up quite a bit:

Beyond this, Thor: Ragnarok takes place on two alien planets: Asgard (Thor and Loki’s home) and Sakaar (a bizarre planet where intergalactic trash is dumped and Jeff Goldblum holds gladiator-style games.)

Sakaar looks a little like this:

An odd pastel palette splashed on a sea of grays. Detritus and occasionally people (notably, Thor) fall from holes in the sky. Also, notice the sky has a strange refracted nature to it that is seen in the ME! video. 

So we have another scene of people falling from nowhere down to a sea of pastels and gray with a pink refracted sky.

The sky behind His Lordship Jeff Goldblum in Ragnarok is the best pic I can find of Sakaar’s sky.

Let’s move on to a more exciting one:

One of the movie’s main characters, Valkyrie, rides a gray pegasus (unfortunately not a pegacorn)

The pegacorn Taylor sits on has a rather peculiar eye that evokes Thor’s when he’s in lightning mode:

Valkyrie also has a totally dope cape (so do a lot of characters, but we’ll focus on her):

Which reminds me of Taylor’s cape in the marching band scene:

And the rainbow leading up to the kaleidoscope where Taylor and To--er, Brendon dance? If you’ve watched any Thor movie, you probably remember the long almost-translucent rainbow bridge that stretches from the bifrost to Asgard. 

So as you see above, the bifrost leads to a room where Idris Elba controls the bifrost bridge. It look a bit like the kaleidoscope room Taylor and Brendon end up in:

To top things off, Taylor and Brendon’s suits really evoke that old school country feel that stars like, I don’t know....Hank Williams would wear (rest in peace.) 

Finally, the hotel lobby resembles the interior of the Asgard palace, but I can’t find good pictures and this has taken me hours. 

In conclusion, Taylor is brilliant, love is cruel, ME! is a fantasy fever dream, and Tom is worth the fight. Hopes, thoughts, prayers.

[whenrockwasyoung19]

Thoughts after the Golden Globes -Elton and Bernie just carved out a path to Oscar gold. I think Bernie stating that this is the first award they won together will excite awards voters and will probably get them the win. 

-now that Think I’m Gonna Love Me Again is a lock for a nomination, we’re going to get to see Taron sing with Elton on the Oscars stage 

-After a hostless Oscars last year and a hostless Emmy’s this year, Ricky reminded me why we need a host. Funny or offensive, he was able to give the show momentum and maintain it. Without a host, the start of the show feels awkward and slow. 

-Ricky wasn’t as mean as I thought he was going to be. He largely avoided picking on the people in the room which was a change for him. I think that either better as it wasn’t as uncomfortable.

-Ricky will be back. I’d bet on it. He just has too much fun making people squirm. -lots of politics but that’s not too surprising. My favorite political moments were Michelle Williams speech and Russell Crowe’s message. 

-Brad Pitt ending his speech telling people to be kind was the kind of positive messaging I like. 

-Tom Hanks should teach a master class or just straight up a film class. The man knows his techniques. 

-Ellen’s speech was perfect. I do think it’s amazing that the second person to win the Carol Burnett Award is a queer woman. 

-Ellen talking about her “husband Mark” and her “two kids” had me dying. But I also like that she added that “the reason y’all are laughing is because you know me so well”, and that’s so true. 

-The fashion was just ok. I thought most people looked pretty but few were really trying to turn a look. I did think Saorsie Ronan looked fire and Renee Zellwigger had such a simple but divine look. Of course the fashion moment of the night was Billy Porter. 

-Every time the camera cut to the Elton table, I looked for Taron, but he was often blocked, not in frame, or missing. 

-Taron going ape when Elton won was so adorable and sweet. He really is a loyal friend and great cheerleader to his mates.

-Elton and Bernie’s acceptance speech was very nice. I thought giving a shoutout to Taron was lovely. When the camera pointed to him I got so excited. 

-I forgot to mention that Elton also turned a look. The embroidery on the jacket, the puffy sleeves, the big broach, it was simple but elegant and a little bold. It felt authentically Elton. I also thought David looked very dapper. I think the embroidery on his suit was gorgeous. They were probably the best dressed couple of the night tbh. 

-Elton and Bernie getting a standing ovation just to introduce a clip shows what legends they are.

-Leo looked happy for Taron, so I’m guessing there will be no sad Leo memes.

-Roman Griffin Davis looked happy for Taron as well, and I was relieved because you gotta feel bad when a young kid loses like that, and you just hope they’re not crushed, but he seemed happy, so I’m relieved. 

-Word is that Roman Griffin Davis’s suit was inspired by Eggy’s suit in Kingsman Golden Circle. I’m not sure if that’s totally true, but if so that’s awesome! If so, it must’ve been awesome for him to get a special shoutout from Eggsy himself. Also, he had a fashion moment himself. Like that suit was perfectly tailored. He honestly took more of a fashion risk at 10 years old than 90% of the people in that room, and I’ve got to respect that. 

-Okay, I’ve held back long enough; it’s time to talk about Taron. 

-So, TARON WON A FREAKING GOLDEN GLOBE! I was so worried it wasn’t going to happen. I was literally on edge the whole night, and when the announcer said the award for best actor in a musical/comedy was coming up, I was so freaking nervous. Literally, when Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson started their presentation, my heart was racing. I couldn’t even stay on the couch. I had to crouch on the floor, because I was so anxious. And when they said the nominees, and they said Eddie Murphy’s name, I was like THIS IS IT WHO LIVES OR DIES WHO TELLS OUR STORY. Then, there was that little pause before Chris Evans read the name. Every time I’m anticipating an award, when the presenter does that little pause, in my head I’ll say the person who I want to win/think will win and try to will it into existence. This time, I was like “taron egerton” in my little brain thinking that Chris was about to say Eddie Murphy. Then, I heard a “tar” and I lost my shit. At this point, I am sitting on my living room floor inches from the TV. I screamed so loud, and started applauding. I was so freaking excited. But there was definitely this weird feeling of disbelief in my brain. I had so readied myself for him to lose that I couldn’t even process the fact that he’d won. So, when it panned to him, it was like this weird reassurance that yes, Taron in fact won. So, watching him approach the stage looking flabbergasted, I was so just excited and emotional. But it didn’t really hit me that Taron had just one a Golden Globe until he was standing on stage holding the award and starting his acceptance speech. That’s when I let out a second even louder scream. And then, the more it sank in that he actually won (and that everything I hoped this night would be had come to fruition) I burst into tears. I literally sat on my living room floor crying over this man who I didn’t even really know anything about a year ago. It was so surreal but in the best way. I could not have been more excited for him. 

-Taron’s speech was PHENOMENAL. A commentator from Gold Derby, in their post-show recap, declared it one of the best speeches of the night, and like yeah it totally was. His speech was humble, gracious, and just the right amount of sweet. He came off as so surprised, overwhelmed, and overjoyed to win. It was so refreshing after a night where so many people who won seemed like they totally expected it and weren’t all that floored by it. So, to have Taron go up there, his voice all shaky, be totally blown away felt all the more genuine and even needed. He did the typical thing of acknowledging the other people in his category. I thought he had some kind words for the others. I also thought it was so sweet to give a special shoutout to Roman. It was so sweet. I also think it’s amazing that he managed to thank just about every person he was obligated to thank (except for poor Emily, but we’ll let that slide). He thanked his costars, Dexter, Giles Martin, the producers, his team, and the team at Paramount and managed to have something nice to say about most of them. And of course, he gave a very special shoutout to Elton and Bernie. I thought his message to Elton was touching and sweet. Again, he came off as so gracious and humble. Lastly, he gave a special thank you to his mom (which was so lovely). I think the fact that he managed to thank everyone and to do so with such genuine gratitude made it one of the best speeches. It was the type of speech that reminds you why we have to sit through these speeches. 

-It shouldn’t surprise any of us that Taron is amazing at award show speeches. The guy is made of gratitude and humility, so the fact that he showed that off in his little moment shouldn’t be surprising, but yet I was still floored by it. It was just that good. 

-Not to go all cynical analyst or anything, but a speech like that can push him further in the Oscar race. Oscar voters love a good speech, so simply having a memorable speech that people get behind is already a big plus. But also, I think the fact that his speech was so gracious and humble also helps. Oscar voters love a bit of humility and gratitude. So, I think that can carry him far. In fact, I believe his attitude has already carried him quite far in this business along with his talent. But I digress. 

-What I did not anticipate when I conceived of our boy winning was just how much post-show content we were going to get. Last night, I stayed up till all hours looking at the interviews from a variety of big entertainment outlets. It was amazing to see Taron so overjoyed and thankful. I could tell before the awards that he was a little nervous (I’ll get to that in a bit), so it was great to see him so happy and elated. 

-Bringing his sisters along to the Hollywood Reporter interview was adorable. If you didn’t see it, Taron held Mari while Rosie stood at his side holding his Globe during the interview. They were being so polite and so shy; it was cute. Plus, he gave them each a little kiss towards the end of the interview. So precious. 

-My god he did a lot of interviews in a short time span. He somehow had momentum through a marathon of interviews.

[pinelife3]

Sleepless in Seattle

I rewatched Sleepless in Seattle recently on a plane, and now I’ve crawled out of my cave to declare: this movie is not romantic!

Directed by Nora Ephron, Sleepless in Seattle, is regarded as part of the canon of great rom-coms. Ephron and Rob Reiner (who actually appears in Sleepless in Seattle with a great bit about tiramisu) are kind of the big-dogs of rom-coms in that people still talk about the films they made 20+ years ago (some together, some separately):

The Princess Bride

When Harry Met Sally

Sleepless in Seattle

You’ve Got Mail

Rom-coms are tricky to define - for example, is Shakespeare in Love a rom-com? There is romance and comedy, but the lovers are separated at the end. What about Top Gun? There are iconic romantic scenes and the lovers do end up together, but the love is really a conciliatory prize (the real prize is being the best at flying) and the romance is more of a B or C plot in the film, so Top Gun probably doesn’t qualify. People talk about rom-coms as having to posses certain tropes - for example:

A neurotic, highly mannered protagonist (ideally played by Meg Ryan or Hugh Grant)

An argument featuring dramatic irony, where the audience knows more than the characters and sees their misunderstanding unfold

A grand final gesture to win a lover back after a stupid misunderstanding: a last-minute dash to the airport, a last minute dash to a new year’s eve party, a last minute dash to the Empire State Building

But for our purposes, let’s say a rom-com is anything that:

Places the romantic plot at the core of its film AND

Has a happy ending (i.e. the lovers are together at the end) AND

Features genuine attempts at humour along the way. 

LOTR features a romance plot, but there’s a lot of other stuff going on (something about a ring?!), therefore it’s not a rom-com. Same deal with Bridesmaids. I would classify Superbad as a kind of rom-com because most actions taken by the protagonists are to secure love (or at least sex) from the girls they like. The English Patient? Romantic and HILARIOUS but the lovers aren’t together in the end.

So does Sleepless in Seattle qualify as a rom-com?

Yes, the whole point of the movie is to get Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks together. This plot dominates the film - but is it romantic? More on this to follow.

Yes, in the world of the film, a happy ending is secured because Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are together

Yes, there are some laughs along the way. Mostly at the expense of poor Bill Pullman who is playing a man with severe allergies. There is also some precocious-child related humour

Back to point one: I contend that the ‘romantic plot’ in Sleepless in Seattle is actually anti-romantic. In fact, there are two romance plot lines (both of which fail to be romantic) because this bitch is engaged to another man throughout the ‘romance’ with Tom Hanks.

Before we get into that though I have another major gripe: at the start of the film, Meg Ryan and her fiancé (Bill Pullman) leave home together to drive to a family Christmas lunch. They leave the same location at the same time and are heading to the same location - no stops along the way. But for some reason they take separate cars. The film provides no reasoning for the separate cars. It is patently odd and really bothers me.

Let’s take a look at the script:

________________________________________________

EXT. BALTIMORE SUN BUILDING - LATE AFTERNOON - CHRISTMAS EVE

As Annie [Meg Ryan] comes out of the newspaper building with WALTER JACKSON [Bill Pullman], a tall, handsome man who wears a hat. They're carrying an armful of Christmas presents. They're walking toward the parking lot.

WALTER

The short one with black hair  is your cousin Irene --

ANNIE

-- who's married to --

WALTER

Harold, who ran away with his secretary but came back --

ANNIE

-- because Irene threatened to put the dog to sleep if he didn't --

WALTER

And your brother Tom is a psychology professor and is married to...Betsy --

ANNIE

-- who is the most competitive woman in the world --

They put the presents in the backs of their two cars and pull out together.

EXT. A HOUSE IN BALTIMORE SUBURBS - NIGHT

Christmas lights twinkling as the two cars pull up in front of a comfortable upper middle-class house and park their cars. They get out assembling presents.

________________________________________________

This whole thing with the two cars was scripted - and even in the script it’s unexplained. My suspicion is that this just a device to get her in the car alone later so she can hear Tom Hanks on the radio - and thereby fall in love with him. This is LAZY writing. Why not just write that she had a premonition and saw a wonderful widow in Seattle and knew that they should be together. That would make about as much sense as the separate cars.

People criticise rom-coms for having unrealistic premises. For example: Last Christmas, in which a woman hangs out with the ghost of a man who gave her his heart - via transplant - the previous year. A ridiculous premise made unbearably kitsch because of the connection to the WHAM song. But honestly that makes about as much sense as an engaged couple taking separate cars for no reason.

Allow that gaping goatse of a plot hole to set the scene for the other major problem with this film: our romantic heroine is already engaged. Engaged to a man she finds boring. She remains engaged to this poor guy throughout her infatuation and pursuit of Tom Hanks. She lives with this guy, sleeps with him, plans her wedding with him: all while she is falling in love with Tom Hanks. She remains engaged until the final 10 minutes of the film when she finally dumps him. She keeps telling this poor guy she loves him. It’s evil. Can you imagine what /r/relationships would say about someone who behaved this way? This is an emotional affair.

As much as rom-coms celebrate the pursuit of love and marriage, they also caution against bad or inadequate love: it is not romantic to settle. A classic example of this is Charlotte Lucas in Pride & Prejudice: she marries the ridiculous Mr Collins to secure her future and avoid spinsterhood - but she doesn’t love him and won’t ever love him because she doesn’t respect him. Readers in Austen’s time may have been more sympathetic to Charlotte’s decision since the nature of marriage was quite different back then and spinsterhood was a seriously undesirable outcome, but contemporary audiences commonly interpret Charlotte settling for Mr Collins as a weakness of character. That decision and her life with Mr Collins only serve to reflect further radiance on Elizabeth Bennet: wistful, bitey, beautiful, beloved for centuries. That’s why no one writes fan fiction about Charlotte Lucas. 

So, in Sleepless in Seattle, the audience sees that Meg Ryan is settling for the wrong guy. This is communicated to us primarily through the visual gags around Bill Pullman’s allergies: he uses a huge number of tissues, he’s allergic to everything from strawberries to bees, he has a special respirator machine to help him sleep. This guy can’t get the girl! He can’t even breath properly. It’s clearly isn’t meant to work out between them. No, no this won’t do at all. 

What is the function of the unsuitable fiancé as a plot device? Why couldn’t this be a romance between two single people? Is it to make her cross-country pursuit seem more whimsical and fun? If it to demonstrate that she can get a guy? I actually think it’s meant to create stakes: it’s so she has something to hold her back from ‘following her heart’. This is a way of adding tension so she’s risking something (normalcy, comfort) by making the last minute dash to the Empire State Building to meet Hanks (who represents the possibility of windswept romance). Never mind that they’ve never actually spoken to each other. He’s a single parent? Um sexy! He’s a widow? Swoon. Seattle is rainy? I’m already wet.

If it’s important to the plot that she is already in a couple when she falls for Hanks, and that she casts aside an unsatisfying relationship for the mere possibility of passionate excitement, then we have had it wrong all along: the grand romantic gesture of Sleepless in Seattle is Meg Ryan dumping her fiancé. Forget the Empire State Building. It’s her telling him that she’s had an emotional affair. It’s her taking off her engagement ring. It’s her blaming him for being boring rather than working on their relationship. It’s her leaving him sat in that restaurant alone so she can go and pursue a stranger.  

This movie is not romantic. 

[thedeaditeslayer]

From Evil Dead, to Believe ir of Not: A Chat with Bruce Campbell.

This interview covers working with Sam Raimi and film-making in general. 

It is hard to deny the impact Bruce Campbell has had on genre cinema. From the humble start working on the Evil Dead back in 1981 to his countless film and television roles, Bruce Campbell has made a name for himself, and a legacy that everyone in genre cinema has to respect.

Now, with him moving onto Ripley’s Believe It or Not CGMagazine got to be part of a round table interview where we got a chance to touch base with the iconic “b-list” actor to talk about his career, along with the industry of film making as a whole.

Perhaps his most endearing performance, even after over 30 years, is his portrayal of Ash. With three films and a series under his belt, he has made the character his own. His portrayal has led to numerous parodies, and countless takes and iterations on what that type of character is within horror. Yet, even the time, and new horror coming out almost daily, few can touch the timelessness of Ash.

Even with the show over, the legacy of what The Evil Dead means to fans will always remain. It is a series that stands in the pantheon of horror, cementing Bruce Cambell and Ash as staples of genre and cinema as a whole. Even with this, many questions about if the series got the ending it deserved, but it seems Bruce Campbell feels they sent the series off in the best way possible.

“I’m fine with it heck because we got to finally do it.” Campbell explained in response to his take on the legacy of the series “I got to, to address it to my maximum abilities right now. And I felt that we did that. And I felt we honoured the fans too. Because we gave them a pseudo ending. They will never be happy with anything that we do. But in this case, we were like, okay, we don’t know if we’re going to get cancelled or not. Let’s go come up with let’s make sure we end this particular season with something that could be considered an ending. So that’s what we did. And thank God we did it. Because we get canned. So if we didn’t do that ending people would be going, where is Ash? What happened. So we took care of that business.”

With the fact, the show is now over, Campbell can finally step back from the role of Ash. While an iconic character, and one he enjoyed playing, it is taxing bringing that character to life, especially on a show that pushes you both mentally and physically.

“It was painful. I pulled another hamstring,” Campbell said diving into the strain on his body while doing Ash vs.The Evil Dead. “There’s a series of embarrassing emails to Rick Jacobson, Season 2 I think where the episodes kept getting bigger and bigger because things are coming to a head storywise and there are all these fights, falling and all the worst crap. So there’d be these emails of ‘Hey Rick, I woke up this morning and I’m not sure if I can run today, can you make sure my stunt guy Raicho Vasilev is ready to go?’ Then the next day, ‘Hey Rick, my left knee is kind of fucked-up, can I just stand over the guy?’ I was falling apart. My whole body was disintegrating.”

Even with The Evil Dead now over, it is hard to deny the connection Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi have. Old high school friends, and having worked with Raimi on many features, including the Spider-man franchise and Darkman, the team brings great chemistry to the silver screen. And even after all these years knowing each other, Bruce Campbell still enjoyed working with Raimi.

“I think Sam is the best director working,” Campbell outlined responding to the question on why he likes working with Raimi so much. “He’s one of the best directors in the business, probably top five as far as technical abilities. Watch Spider-Man 2. I think it’s one of the best superhero movies period and it’s the best of the trilogy. He’s really amazing at exponential learning. What he learns from one movie to the next technically. Like, he actually read the American Cinematographer’s Manual. You want to read stuff that will make you want to hang yourself with technical information about apertures and film speeds? He read it! He’s like ‘I think I should know how a camera operates because as a director that’s my tool. How can I use apertures and exposure to get a certain look or dynamic?’ That’s what’s fun about working with Sam.”

With many horror films looking to revive practical methods, people that love classic horror are happy to see what can be done by blending the two methods. With his countless years in the industry, and has worked on plenty of practical and CGI based movies, Bruce Campbell does not mince words discussing the trend to push CGI whenever possible.

“CG had to run its course. Because everyone was fascinated with CG “Oh, let’s just do CG.” But the problem of CG is it would spray off and defy optics, like a creature, would be here and frame one, frame three, It’s right in front of your face. So to the point where our eyes can’t even adjust because the optics are not correct. So they had to kind of work that out. And then they had to come to the horrible realization that special effects could not be the actual story.” Campbell explains when responding to a question about the revival of practical methods in genre cinema. “What does he mean we have to have a story. Hopefully, they’re coming around to the realization that effects can be used very effectively to tell a story like Forrest Gump.”

“So, when you watch that movie, they made special effects work to tell the story of a single feather flipping around during the opening sequence and it lands all the way at Tom Hanks’s feet looks like a real feather. floating through the sky landing at his feet was a pain in the ass to do that opening sequence. But the point is the digital process can really help you tell a story, but it’s not the story. I mean, once you see a superhero, throw another superhero through one building, eight buildings, ten buildings. It doesn’t matter. That’s not the story. ”

Along with being a renowned actor, Bruce Campbell also has a best selling book, one that is a great read if you have the time. While working in both realms, it is no wonder he has a view on how they differ and how Hollywood could learn a thing or two from the world of publishing. “The writing world is very respectful compared to the film business. There are very few chefs when you write a book,” Bruce Campbell explained “I addressed my editor’s changes for my latest book in about 15 minutes and if I wrote a screenplay I’d have 10-pages of single-spaced notes from some 26-year-old kid who doesn’t know shit, but they feel like they got to justify their job. It’s good to do different stuff, you get exposed to different people too. Making a book is a whole different story than making a movie. It’s kinda cool, the difference.”

While his days of picking up the chainsaw as Ash may be over, he is now stepping into the role of host for the new Ripley’s Believe It or Not! on the Travel Channel.  It may mean less zombie killing, but is looking to be just as exciting for fans of the new and bizarre. Hearing Bruce discuss it, this is looking to be an exciting season of the show while keeping the legacy it has built over 100 years.

[inappropriatefangirlneeds]

Tag Game 

I was tagged by the wonderful @sunlitroom thank you ! =) 

I´m curious which one of the Greek plays has been your favorite? 

I´m doing the escapists diet version of this ;)

Are you a homebody? The world is a scary place and sometimes walls keep the scary out, sometimes it sneaks in through cracks and cables but ultimately inside is and always has been the safest place, or at least it feels like that  

What movies have you watched recently? Okay let me talk about the one recent Saturday where I turned on the TV snacking on some chocolate bunny just to look upon a mighty ship and some people in arrrrrrmazing clothes. Turns out they were airing “Crossbones“ (NBC) which is about pirates, the crown and tinkering around with clock smith tools. Or something like that I´m not quite sure which episode I turned in to but I watched around thee or four in a row. I couldn´t see the last two they aired but recorded them. I kind of really want to take the time to watch them, or try to find the english episodes online because it was  actually entertaining. It feels like they could have made a whole season out of two episodes, so it felt kind of rushed but maybe the german dub added to that feeling. 

It´s not Black Sails but while I´d really wanted to argue with some stuff (one of the) protagonist(s) said to her Kate Balfour is quite an interesting character in terms of writing a wife and at the same time a woman with agency (and it seems she´s not vilified for something other shows would treat her not well over, but there might be another icky trope playing into this, still need to watch more)  Nenna Ajanlekoko seems to be quite interesting as well. It seems one character has Agoraphobia, and while at first this causes some wounds ir seems there´s quite some understanding for her needs (but that´s about where I stopped watching), addiction to opiates is a topic (and they mirrored the internal struggle of yesORno to the relieve provided in an external yes and not that come from different protagonists for various reasons) 

> Also with the non pirate protagonist  Tom Lowe I kept thinking I knew the actor, but could just think of  Michael Sheen and it wasn´t him... turns out it was  Richard Coyle [or as I know him CAOS´ delightfully awful Faustus Blackwood]

> Oh and John Malkovich plays Edward Teach, aka "Blackbeard" in need of some hair dye.  

What are you doing for self care?  I, despite point one, actually for once was actually looking forward to something involving the outside and other people and I built it up in my head as something that would potentially build up my hurt self (esteem) back again and patch me somewhat up after some really not so great experience, so I had a moment of “woe is me” when  An event you were looking forward to that got cancelled Technically the event wasn´t cancelled just the particular Pen&PaperRPG I had applied and got a spot for but, despite thwarted selfcare attempt I was glad that I could play it safe and stay in without having to cancel myself. It was just about that time where nothing was locked but it increasingly looked like that´s what probably should be done. 

What music are you listening to? What´s been added to this and really got me sucked into a youtube hole the past weeks is Hank 3. That might have happened as a side effect of still not having seen "I saw the light" in which Tom Hiddleston plays Hiram "Hank" Williams. His grandson Shelton Hank Williams III  was not happy about that casting and I´m glad he complained cause I might not have started to listen to his music. Quite a delayed reaction but here we are finally. [Although I must certainly have known about Superjoint Ritual years ago, but I guess without being aware of Hank ...  buuuut my memory is crap] 

>> What I learned is more people should sing about Opossums. Hank doesn´t nearly sing as much about Possums as he should but there is at least:  Hank Williams III & Leroy Troy - “Possum In a Tree”  ~Possum in a tree looking at me, you know he´s living his life wild and free ~

>> Sometimes Shelton goes by (the horrible) SKELTON .. no not that  H3 "Country Heroes" that was Halloween ... that stuff with TPB Those Poor Bastards w/ Skelton - Black Dog Yodel the theatrics are just so I don´t know if I should say campy or extra but I love it ;D and I really like his voice in those Black Dog Yodel-Poor Bastards with HW III

>> That one is just really working for me  "Ghost to a Ghost"

>> And just a really neat Bop, I vaguely remember that one was the one where I really got into that YTHole  Hank III & Assjack "Tennessee Driver"

What are you reading? Hopefully more fanfiction when  I get around to but the next slot of likely uninterrupted time miiiight be reserved for finally watching the gotham finale .. I feel like I might be read for that now ^^ 

Apart from the recently mentioned GothamFics I had the chance to read the start of another and brand new compelling Daryl Dixon / Beth Greene mystery here: PYROLYSIS by Audriss  [What´s the other compelling mystery you ask, well of course: BY ANY OTHER NAME]

[mrsedmercer]

Steamy Love (Tom Hiddleston x Reader) Part 17: ~Everyone's Attention~

Summary: Tom has a lot to make up for. He must find a way to win you back, but does his plan work?

Warnings: Bitterness. Public Displays of Affection. Paparazzi.

Read it on my Wattpad: @/HiddlesStar

Word count: 2'092

Tags: @theoneanna @midnightdragonzero @drakesfiance @kcd15 @ihthr @deviantsendbyreallife

For that whole night and early morning, you didn't say a word to Tom. Not a single word. You didn't even look at him when you made him a cup of coffee, seeing the slight frown on his face from the corner of your eye as you went to your room to get dressed. You'd both be headed to work soon, but thankfully you didn't have to get any scenes done. Today was more of a wardrobe day. You, Tom, another co-star and the director would be going to different clothing stores to pick out stuff for the characters to wear during the winter portion of the film. You'd probably hang around the co-star. She was nice. Nice and married. Maybe that'll keep Tom from wanting to go on lone weekend dinners with her, too.

...

You didn't mean to feel so bitter. You didn't actually think Tom was "cheating" on you with Amanda. You two weren't really in a committed relationship in the first place, but he says he doesn't share. He was honest about who he was going to see and why he was having dinners with her. He didn't lie. Maybe he was just trying to let her down easy, so he could be with you.

You huffed. Even if that was the case, it seemed like he was willing to risk being seen in public with her rather than with you. You were almost certain someone saw them. Maybe there were already Tumblr and Twitter posts about it. You didn't even want to look. Just thinking about it makes you nauseous.

You got dressed for the day to take your mind off of it.

Tom was feeling sick himself. Sick and disappointed in himself. He didn't even think about possibly being seen with Amanda. He was just focused on letting her down easy so he could be with you, but he took too long to accomplish that. He was more worried about hurting Amanda than losing you. Now, he's slowly losing the chance to really be with you, and not just for lust. He's grown real feelings for you over these last couple weeks. You have been living together for pretty much a month now. He knows now that this is no longer just for pleasure. He needs to win your trust and your feelings back. He plans to speak to you after the day is done. He knows exactly what to say. He'll win you back. He has to.

Once you were both ready, you headed out to meet the director at his van. Tom sat in the back with you, since the female costar was in the passenger seat with security in the very back. You looked out your window once the car drove out of the neighborhood, with one hand at your side and the other on your lap. As you focused on the scenery, you felt a hand slightly rest on top of yours. Without looking, you knew it was Tom's hand, trying to communicate with you without words. You winced, taking a moment before moving your hand away to rest on your lap. You could practically feel his sadness as he let out a slight sigh, moving his own hand away. You weren't giving any pity, though. You were still upset.

When you got to the store, it was in a big outside mall area. You spotted a couple groups of fans across the parking lot, gasping when they saw Tom get out of the car once it parked. Most of them waved at Tom, who kindly waved back with a little smile despite feeling sad. Some of them even waved at you. Maybe they were fans of your streams. Either way, some recognition made you feel a little better, smiling and waving at them as you all entered the store. Security would stop any fans from entering the store, thankfully, though you knew paparazzi was on their way for sure.

You went off with the female costar. Faith was her name. She was nice. You had a similar taste in style, so you two were able to talk and compare, figuring out together what did and didn't look good. Maybe you were making a new friend.

The Director and Tom were out in their own area, though eventually you, Tom and Faith were all in the same aisle, fans visibly watching from the windows outside. Most of them were paying attention to Tom, but the ones paying attention to you kinda made you laugh. One of them was loud enough for you to hear them reference something from your streams, making you let out a laugh. Tom heard you laugh, looking up at you with sad eyes. It was hard to tell if any of the fans noticed how he was looking at you. They were more so focused on his physical appearance.

You both locked eyes from across the clothing aisle, hearing Faith talk to you as you gazed at Tom, though you kinda drowned her out for a moment. You could tell he felt bad for what he had done to you, and in truth, you were tired of being mad. You wanted to be able to be in his arms again, sleep next to him in his bed and kiss him at home after a long day of filming. You wanted to be friendly with him and laugh with him. You missed being with him. You missed him.

He gave you a slight quiet smile, since he understood the reference the fan had shouted to you. He had such a soft smile. It made you melt. You couldn't help but smile back at him. You missed his eyes.

Just as you shared a smile, his phone went off. He winced and checked his phone. You could tell by his expression that it was most likely Amanda. He looked back up at you, and you locked eyes again. You just rolled your eyes and looked back at the clothes Faith and you were looking at before, continuing your conversation with her.

Tom frowned. He could feel you slipping away. He looked down at his phone, then up at you and Faith. He glanced up a bit when he recognized the song starting to play in the store. It was Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time again. He remembered this song playing on the radio when you two went to go get snacks for when you'd watch High Rise together. He really liked this song, and you had grown to like it as well. You've listened to it a lot, and you think of him when you hear it.

Tom looked over at you again, seeing you preoccupied with talking to Faith.

Fuck the plan. Fuck words. He's proving his feelings now, with action.

Without answering it, he dropped his phone into the basket of clothes at his feet and marched over to where you were. He could hear the sounds of his fans calling to him from outside as he marched, but he was only focused on you.

Faith winced as she noticed Tom walking to you, giving a slight point so you'd turn to look at him. You visibly squinted.

"Tom, what--"

Before you could say much, he grabbed you by cupping your face, pulling you into a sudden deep kiss. You were shocked. Faith was shocked. The Director was shocked. Everyone outside was shocked. You could tell this kiss was all for you. He was all for you. It was a hungry, needy, sensual and desperate kiss, practically pouring out his feelings in this one deep kiss.

Without much care for who was watching, you kissed him back, wrapping your arms around his neck. You could hear the shocked and happy screams from outside, as well as slightly feel the flashes of cameras even with your eyes closed. The paparazzi had shown up just in time. They were watching you and Tom. The whole world was watching you two embrace. You almost couldn't believe he would kiss you like this, in front of all these people. Maybe you really do mean a lot to him.

After a few moments, he pulled back, still cupping your face, gazing at you with his big blue eyes. You looked up at him as well, giving him a warm smile. He smiled back. You felt warm again. He really chose you over her, or maybe he never chose her to begin with. Maybe you were always the first.

"...Tom...Earth to Tom Hiddleston." The director came up from behind Tom, tapping him on the shoulder. Apparantly he had been trying to get his attention for a while now.

"Hm?" Tom let go of you and turned to the director, a shy blush on his face.

"If you're done making out with (Y/N), we gotta get going in a couple minutes. You should go pay for your stuff.." He spoke to Tom before walking off.

"R-Right away, sir.." Tom spoke with a nervous little laugh before turning back to you with a soft smile.

"I-I suppose we'll talk later?.." He spoke to you.

You gave a soft chuckle.

"Go get your clothes, big dog.." You spoke, giving him a playful nudge and a wink. He chuckled with you before moving back to where he was before, putting his phone in his pocket and picking up the basket to go pay for what he had in it. That nickname was related to one of the lines from 'Move It On Over', one of Hank's songs that Tom had covered for I Saw The Light. That was the nickname you gave him. He still has yet to think of the perfect nickname for you, but that's not important at the moment. What's important is what just happened, really. He kissed you in front of all of those people. In front of work friends, in front of fans and in front of the paparazzi. You expected those pictures to be posted everywhere in the next couple minutes. You wouldn't be surprised if it would be in the news that Tom has a new girl by the time you'd get back to the house. You were almost excited to see pictures of the kiss.

You turned to Faith, who let out a little laugh.

"Jesus christ, girl. You better feel lucky.." She grinned, making you laugh.

"I feel very lucky.." You admitted with a big smile, walking with her to the counter to pay for your clothes. Once everything was all paid for, everyone went outside to head back to the van. Security made sure no one got to you or Tom, but you could hear some sentances and questions in the crown.

"Are you two dating!?"

"You guys are so cute!"

"Oh my God he's so soft!"

"You're perfect for each other!"

It was really nice, actually. You were recieving all of these nice compliments. You half expected his fans to run you down like a stampede. They were nice than most fandoms.

In the van ride to the next store, Tom put his hand on top of yours again, only this time you didn't move your hand away. You let him hold your hand, giving him a warm smile.

"Tweets are already going out about the kiss.." Faith admitted, checking her phone while she sat in the passenger seat. "Theres already pictures of you two in the Tom Hiddleston tag.."

"Whoops.." Tom shrugged, you letting out a soft giggle.

"That was the most intense form of PDA I've certainly ever seen.." The director chuckled. "Show that on set next time."

"Oh, I'm certain they will, now that it's public knowledge.." Faith smirked.

"I hope that didn't cause any trouble.." You chimed in. "They were screaming quite a bit.."

"I believe that's my fault.." Tom raised his other hand slightly.

"You're right. It is." You joked, looking at him with warm eyes. He looked at you with a little laugh. You were happy to be able to share these moments with Tom again. It wasn't pleasant being angry.

You still planned to talk to him once the day was over, but for now, you wanted to enjoy his company again. You'd be spending the rest of the day going from store to store to get different things, so you planned to be close with him for the rest of the day, knowing the pictures and attention would just keep rolling in. You wanted Amanda to know who he belonged to.

Tom is yours.

[thedesperatehousehusband]

Oscar. 92 years young.

It’s time for the BIG ONE. The one we’ve been waiting for all season. The Academy Awards. The 92nd Oscars. The whole awards “season” culminates with tis slog of a night. Let’s see how this works without a host. It’s the second time they’ve done it and I didn’t hate it last year.

The show kicked off with a performance from Janelle Monae singing about “It’s Time to Come Alive”. I don’t know what the song was about it but I love her and her queer, African American self. Billy Porter made an appearance. He’s been strutting it allllll these shows. He looked batshit at the Grammy’s but tonight he looks normal, for him.

Steve Martin and Chris Rock DID NOT CARE. When people don’t give a shit, I love it. The Director category is missing vaginas. There were no black nominees in 1929. There’s one in 2020. Progress. Good shit. Eddie Murphy’s under the stage. Oooooh. They DO NOT CARE.

Regina King is butter. She looks amazing. Of course and as expected, Brad Pitt wins Best Supporting Actor for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. He’s won 100% of all the awards all season so this is the icing on the cake. Nice speech. I love him. I love this movie.

I love Mindy Kaling’s dress. She looks outstanding. Of course and as expected, Toy Story 4 wins Best Animated Feature. It really was incredible. Buzz & Woody are legends and now we can include Forky in that list of animated legends.

Josh Gad…..Idina Menzel. Pronounced just like it’s spelled. Take that, John Dumb-Ass Travolta. And that was kick ass. I totally loved the international take on Into the Unknown from Frozen 2.

Why, Diane Keaton, why? Isn’t it done with the whole Annie Hall thing? But the banter with Keanu Reeves was really quite funny. HOLY SHIT BALLS!!! Parasite wins Best Original Screenplay. Is this a sign of things to come?? I REALLY thought Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was going to clean up tonight. But maybe not. Is it going to be a Parasite night??????

What is Timothee Chalamet wearing? Is that a tracksuit? At the Oscars? Dude. What are you doing? I know you’re all fashion-y and shit but I’m not into it. Taika Waititi wins for Best Adapted Screenplay for Jojo Rabbit. A movie which I simply loved and adored. It made me laugh and cry.

Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig decided to go with the craziest thing they could find at the store. At least they’re funny. Because they look nuts. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood wins for Production Design. And that makes sense to me. It really looked amazing.

Loved the a cappella medley of clothes songs for Maya and Kristen to sing in advance of Best Costumes. Little Women wins. At least it won something because that’s likely going to be it. Normally the winner looks out of his/her mind when they walk on the stage. This woman looked downright sane.

What is this song that Chrissy Metz is singing? I have no idea what it is but she sounds really good.

I would like to thank Mark Ruffalo for just wearing a goddamn tux and looking fucking fantastic in it.

I absolutely hate Laura Dern’s dress but I love me some Laura Dern. She’s cleaned up all season so cap it off with the Oscar, why don’t ya? Of course and as expected. I don’t know why but it makes me teary-eyed EVERY time Laura Dern thanks Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern. I just love it that she thanks her parents and references them as her acting inspiration each time she collects an award.

Ummmmm. What is HAPPENING?? Eminem didn’t show when we WON the damn Oscar for writing this song but he gon show up for a fucking montage??? What is HAPPENING???? I love this. Every fucking thing on the stage right now is unbelievable. THE AUDIENCE IS STANDING UP. THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE INCLUDING MARTIN SCORSESE IS STANDING UP. Eminem, motherfuckers.

Sound Editing goes to Ford vs. Ferrari. I’m unclear on what sound editing is.

Sound Mixing goes to 1917. I’m unclear on what sound mixing is.

Jesus Christ. Randy Newman is starting to look really fucking old. He still sounds like Randy Newman though, so I guess that’s good.

Thank you for Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Will Ferrell for making some jokes. 1917 wins Best Cinematography. I’m going to remind you how little I care about 1917. In my shallow and small mind, it’s just basically Saving Private Ryan in World War I. That’s probably over-simplified but that’s what I get from previews.

Best Editing goes to Ford vs. Ferrari. I can dig it with all the car scenes. Thank GAWD it didn’t go to The Irishman. Because that movie wasn’t edited because it was 400 hours long. It was TOO fucking much.

Zazie Beetz looks AMAZING. Her dress is killer.

Cynthia Erivo is an amazing singer. She’s not going to win Best Actress so her only chance at the EGOT is Best Original Song. I’m not particularly feeling this song but strange things have happened.

Rebel Wilson and James Corden dressed up as cats from Cats. They don’t care. 1917 wins Best Visual Effects. Who cares?

I love that Ray Romana got bleeped. I do love when people get bleeped. Bombshell wins for Hair & Makeup. Which makes sense. John Lithgow isn’t exactly an overly attractive person but making him look like Roger Ailes, who is more or less the earthly embodiment of Jabba the Hutt, is worthy of an award.

Why is it now Best International Feature Film as opposed to Foreign Language Film? Of course and as expected, Parasite wins Best International Feature Film or Foreign Language Film. I guess that Bong Joon-Ho really likes the name change and what it symbolizes.

I know this is terribly un-LGBTQ of me but I just don’t care about Elton John and this song isn’t good.

Ummmmmm. Sigourney Weaver looks INCREDIBLE. If she’s had work done, it’s both discrete and expensive. It’s a testament when you stand next to people like Brie Larson and Gal Gadot and hold your own at nearly 70. Get it done, Sigourney.

Love this Icelandic woman winning Best Score for Joker. Love, love, love, love. There’s more than Bjork in Iceland. Great speech.

Elton John wins for Best Original Song and I don’t care.

OH SNAP. Bong Joon Ho wins Best Director for Parasite. Y’all, it’s looking good for Parasite. Solid, solid speech as delivered by this translator who DID NOT step it up for the Oscars. Still just a smart suit. I was hoping for more, girl.

I want so hard to get Billie Eilish. And I just don’t. But I always enjoy the In Memoriam. Kirk Douglas, 103 years old.

Olivia Colman must have got a deal on all that velvet. Ooooof. But, dammit, she’s hilarious. Of course and as expected, Joaquin Phoenix wins for Joker. He’s not right. His speech was insane. Art imitates life……

Of course and as expected, Renee Zellweger wins Best Actress for Judy. This Texas accent has been present this whole awards season. I don’t get it and I don’t know why. Her speech isn’t meaningful at all. It’s just names. Blah. Well, now, we’re trying to make it meaningful but I’m not sure it’s working.

Let’s stand up for Jane Fonda, shall we? She’s a fucking movie star. She looks REMARKABLE. Don’t get me wrong. She’s 81 years old and has been sliced and diced every which way but loose but still….she looks bananas amazing. Best Picture, y’all. What’s it gonna be???? The anticipation is palpable!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddd the Oscar goes to: PARASITE!!!! I mean at this point it’s no surprise. First non-English movie ever to win Best Picture. I’m into it. I love it. The speeches are wonderful. I loved that Tom Hanks and Charlize were all like…Bring the light back up. Let them speak!

Peace out, Oscars. It’s time for bed.

[mst3kproject]

Psycho A-Go-Go

Before he made Carnival Magic, Al Adamson made movies like this.

We open on a crotch.  A mediocre singer sings a mediocre song, while a couple of fringe-bedecked go-go dancers gyrate behind her.  This only just barely has anything to do with the plot, but we’ll be treated to a couple of recurrences of it.

When the actual movie starts, it’s with some guys in surgical scrubs committing a jewel heist.  A policeman catches up with them, and they have to stash their loot in the back of a pickup truck – before they can retrieve it, the truck’s owner returns and drives off.  This guy turns out to be Dave Clarke, husband of the singer from the opening.  He never notices his expensive cargo, but it’s found later by his six-year-old daughter Nancy, who decides it’s pirate treasure and hides it in her Christie Minstrel doll.  The thieves search Clarke’s house and when they find nothing there, they decide to pry the truth out of him by going after his wife and daughter.  If only Clarke had any truth to tell them!

You know how I’ve mentioned that all the men in these movies look exactly alike?  Psycho A-Go-Go is a particularly egregious offender.  The thieves all look alike, except for the one who gets shot, who I was prepared to refer to as Scowling Hemsworth Brother, and the guy in charge, who has inexplicably drawn a mustache and goatee on himself with a sharpie marker.  Worse, all these guys also look just like Clarke!  Why is this?  Is it the haircut?  They all have dark hair in that 60’s Man Haircut.  Eventually I figured out that one was The Rapey One and another was The One Who Kinda Looks Like Tom Hanks In Big, but by then the movie was two thirds over.  There’s also a couple of cops who were cast in the same mold.

The same thing goes on with the women in the movie. There’s an abundance of dark beehive hairdos over identical faces.  The bad guy’s moll (whose name I never caught, so I shall call her Molly), Mrs. Clarke, the murdered secretary, elevator woman, and the nightclub singer all look exactly the same… to the point where I was trying to figure out if the singer were the same person as Molly but then the movie blindsided me with the revelation that she was actually Mrs. Clarke!  I only managed to tell them apart when they were all in different rooms.

Maybe it’s the soft focus.  The whole movie is in soft focus and maybe it obscures the facial features?  It’s not very well-lit either.  There’s the inevitable shitty day-for-night, which I think just gives up at the end and decides the sun is rising, and a climactic car chase so dark all you can see are headlights, but the rest is kinda muddy too.  A lot of shots are also from across a room, and appear to just show a bunch of identical men in identical suits.  Maybe the casting director had a secret cloning lab.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

So much for what the movie looks like. Let’s talk about what happens in it. There’s a surprising amount that’s trying to go on in Psycho A-Go-Go.  Of course there’s the main plot where the bad guys are trying to get the diamonds back but nobody knows where they are except for Nancy, whom they never think of asking. There’s actually one nice little moment in this, when Nancy tells Rapey Guy she’ll give him her treasure if he’ll promise not to hurt her mother.  He ignores her, because he thinks a six-year-old girl’s treasure is probably just a bunch of those rings you used to get at the dentist.  He doesn’t realize his mistake until the Christie Minstrel doll is dropped and broken open during the chase, and then it’s too late. I think this is supposed to be ironic but it doesn’t quite get there.

Aside from that, there’s a number of other plotlines. Molly is supposed to be Sharpie Mustache’s girlfriend, but she’s cheating on him with Guy Who Looks Like Tom Hanks, and Sharpie Mustache gets more suspicious of and more violent towards them as the movie goes on.  Dave’s brother-in-law is one of the cops investigating the robbery, and manages to swoop in at the end to save the day.  Rapey Guy keeps wandering off to brutalize women, which is never really dealt with, and there’s also the Mute Thug who makes friends with Nancy.  All of this is cliché and none of it is really interesting.  Scenes of multiple identical guys talking are downright boring – how are we supposed to care when we can’t even tell which are the good guys and which the bad?

I will say, though, that at least Psycho-A-Go-Go sets everything up.  Hiding the diamonds in the doll never really gets the payoff it deserves, but other stuff works.  It’s a bit too much of a coincidence that Dave’s brother-in-law is the detective on the case, but it does explain how the cops knew where to go and prevents their arrival being a deus ex machina – if only all these men didn’t look alike, so we could tell which one just got shot.  The murders Rapey Guy commits are almost entirely gratuitous, but they do make us feel that Mrs. Clarke is truly in danger when he gets his hands on her.

There is a lot of brutality against women that goes on here.  Sharpie Mustache slaps Molly around a lot, and Rapey Guy just goes around committing felonies for fun.  All he needed from the office at the construction company was Dave’s name and address, but he stabbed the secretary for no reason.  She didn’t even see him there.  All he needed from the redhead was to know where Mrs. Clarke was, but he rapes and strangles her – possibly not in that order.  These two incidents are never brought up again, not even in a police context.  Nobody in the movie gives a shit about these women, and apparently Al Adamson, who also wrote the script, didn’t either.  They’re nothing to him but foreshadowing.

I think Rapey Guy may be the ‘Psycho’ referenced in the title, but if so that’s a little strange because the movie doesn’t present him as the main villain.  Sharpie Mustache is the criminal mastermind, and while we do see him losing control of his henchmen, he’s still the one who’s giving the orders.  I guess with him dead there’s nobody to rein in Rapey Guy anymore, but I don’t think he ever actually tried to.

Psycho-A-Go-Go isn’t very clear about who its hero is, either. It can’t be Dave, the man whose family is in danger, because in the fine tradition of shitty movie non-heroes, he of course doesn’t do anything.  He spends the middle part of the film tied to a chair in his own living room, and at the climax he hits his head on a rock and just lies there while his brother-in-law the cop shoots Rapey Guy instead.  So is Officer Brother-in-Law the hero?  He can’t be, because we barely see him.  He and Dave talk very briefly about the case at the nightclub, and then he goes to Dave’s house after his wife asks him to check up on the family, who aren’t answering the doorbell or phone.

I really don’t think Psycho-A-Go-Go is trying to be a movie with something to say, either.  I mean, yeah, it’s another film in which crime doesn’t pay at least partly because the criminals ultimately turn on each other, but really it’s just a lot of scenes of people being horrible in an attempt to shock and thrill the audience.  Nobody really grows.  This is the sort of movie that seems tailor-made for that hoary old arc about the man who doesn’t realize how important his family is to him until they’re in danger, but they don’t even have that.  Dave’s domestic tranquility is shattered, and then restored. I guess Molly and The Guy Who Looks Like Tom Hanks grow a little, since they decide to get out of the whole ‘crime’ thing, but in any reasonable universe they both ended up in jail.

When I compare this film to Carnival Magic, the two movies don’t have a whole lot in common.  Carnival Magic hid its dark content under a veneer of cheerful family fun, and in a way Psycho-A-Go-Go does the same thing – Dave’s happy family are blissfully unaware of the underworld they’re about to be sucked into, and the diamonds are hidden inside the apparently harmless Christie Minstrel doll.  Psycho-A-Go-Go is much more tonally consistent, since when we meet the happy family we already know that horrible things are going to happen to them, and it feels like the film-makers’ hearts were way more in it than they were in Carnival Magic.  That’s somewhat troubling when we consider the difference in content.

If you want to ask me which movie is better, I don’t know how to answer you.  Carnival Magic looks better, with a crisper picture and characters who don’t all look the same, but it’s a weird, messy, disjointed film that isn’t sure what it’s plot is.  Psycho-A-Go-Go looks like ass, and it’s also weird and messy and not sure what we’re supposed to be focused on, but everything that happens is unified by the common thread of the diamonds, and we’re not switching from domestic violence to talking monkey antics and back again.    I’d still rather watch either of them again than Cry Wilderness, but man… this one left just a bad aftertaste.  Can’t I just watch My Neighbour Totoro for the rest of my life?

[btsybrkr]

Please Come Dine With Me

In today’s world of Netflix originals, glossy reality series and big budget drama, it’s easy to forget about TV’s old reliables. You know, the programmes with nothing to say, but so much to give. They’re the television equivalent of an ex that you can’t help but miss, despite having brought absolutely nothing to each other’s lives. The absolute king of this brand of TV can only be Come Dine With Me, the dinner party contest that began broadcasting in 1892 and has been playing simultaneously, on all 26 branches of Channel 4, at every hour of every day ever since. Seriously, flick through the channels, I can almost guarantee it’s on right now.

Come Dine With Me, now in its 37th series (I’m actually not making that bit up), must unironically be one of the best things to ever air in this country. During a casual viewing, it seems that nothing much happens, but a quick Google search unearths an absolute goldmine of unforgettable moments. Some have already been cemented into pop culture history, destined to be repeated on ‘100 Greatest...’ clip shows until the sun swallows the Earth whole - like the man who decided to sample a sauce he was making by nonchalantly shoving the whole whisk into his mouth, or sore loser Peter Marsh’s ‘you won, Jane’ speech, which is, in my opinion, a hundred times more brutal than anything Ricky Gervais could or would ever come out with whilst presenting an awards ceremony. Others are unfortunately never spoken about, but remain a vivid memory in the consciousness of the lucky viewers who caught them, such as the moment a particularly eccentric contestant, known only as DJ Dom, drafted in indie musician Badly Drawn Boy to help him cook for his ‘Madchester’ themed dinner party, before telling the viewers “All done, just got to go and change me kecks!” and coming back downstairs in the exact same outfit, right down to the bucket hat. Or the iconic Preston week from series 7, in which we were introduced to so-posh-it-hurts Valerie Holliday, whose pronunciation of the word ‘pheasant’ (or fezzaaaunt, as she might say) is superglued to the insides of my brain, where it will stay for the rest of my days. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

I’m sure we’ve all, at some point, had the ‘who would be invited to your dream dinner party?’ conversation with our friends or family, but what we should really be asking each other is “who would be on your dream episode of Come Dine With Me?”. If you think about it, they’re two very different questions, with very different answers. Of course, I’d love the chance to sit and speak with Tom Hanks, Mac Demarco and Phoebe Waller-Bridge over a glass of wine and a really good burger, but do I think it would make entertaining TV? Well, yeah, probably. But not on Come Dine With Me. That’s a horse of a very different colour.

Anyway, here’s what my dream episode of Come Dine With Me might look like. Narrated in your brain by Dave Lamb, probably.

Today, we’re in Blackpool, where our first contestant, 23-year-old chronic timewaster Betsy (that’s me!), is gearing up to host the opening night of the week, and we’re sure it’s going to be an absolute belter. Let’s see what her fellow dinner party guests make of the menu.

“A cheeseboard? As a starter? What’s that about?”, asks living soundbite and reality TV icon, Gemma Collins. She’s unimpressed with the menu, largely on the basis that it pales in comparison to the sort of luxury she’s used to, such as the gourmet camel penis she could have been tucking into on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! In 2014, had she not packed it in after three days. Actually, I think the celebrity version of Come Dine With Me might be the only reality programme that Gemma Collins is yet to appear in. Maybe we should be writing to the powers-that-be at Channel 4 and getting them to sort that out, since I’ll surely be making a strong case for her appearance here. Anyway, who’s next?

Our third contestant is equally disappointed with the offerings. “I don’t fuck with stilton”, states the self-proclaimed second coming of Jesus, Kanye West. Yes, he’s an odd choice for a daytime cookery/popularity contest, especially since I’m almost 100% sure he doesn’t cook for himself under any circumstances, and is probably only popular among people who’ve never had to try and sit through an actual conversation with him, but who cares? Kanye does what Kanye wants. And if Kanye wants to appear on Come Dine With Me, then that’s his business, and he’ll shit in the Yeezys of anybody who disagrees. Or pay someone else to do it for him, obviously. Anyway, onto contestant number four, who can surely only be disappointing after that… can’t they?

Of course not!! Contestant number four is TV’s shouty queen-of-clean Kim Woodburn, who is really excited to get her teeth into some red hot beef. Not the food kind, either. The kind of beef she dished out to Philip Schofield, while he was asking her questions about the beef she dished out in her fondly-remembered ‘chicken-livered bunch’ rant from Celebrity Big Brother. She’ll be glad to know I’m not serving any chicken livers at my dinner party, I’m sure. Not that she’ll be particularly enamoured with my cooking skills overall.

“It all looks terribly common, darling”, she says, as she holds the menu in one Marigold-wearing hand, and a glass of an expensive gin in the other. Suit yourself, then, Kim.

Contestant number five hasn’t bothered to read the menu yet, but that’s because he’s been busy begging the Channel 4 producers on set for another series of Deal Or No Deal now that his hefty I’m A Celebrity paycheck is all but gone. Yes, it’s Noel Edmonds, TV’s favourite bearded arsehole. After Alan Sugar, of course, but I’ve already written a bit about him on here, so there’d be no point in putting him in this one as well. You know, someone I knew a few years back once told me that Noel Edmonds did a guest lecture at his university, in which he offered some lucky students the chance to spend their summer doing a couple of months unpaid work experience on his radio show. Imagine that! Spending day-in-day-out with Noel Edmonds, without even a penny in compensation. I know they say ‘life’s not fair’, but that really would be pushing it. 

Anyway, that’s everyone, and as I anxiously pour boiling water into five chicken and mushroom Pot Noodles, my all-star dinner guests begin to arrive. First at the doorstep is Kim, who I greet with open arms. 

“Wonderful to meet you, luvvie”, she says. The worried glance she gives the camera afterwards tells me otherwise. Perhaps she’s unimpressed by my unshiny door handle. That’s not a euphemism. 

Gemma and Noel arrive soon afterwards, both carrying bottles of champagne that I couldn’t possibly ever afford myself. They’re not to share, of course, they were bought in anticipation that the wine I’m providing wouldn’t be up to standard, which it is, because I’m serving all my courses with a glass of Summer Berries Echo Falls. It’s £5.99 a bottle and gets you absolutely Bankered. 

We mingle in the living room, eagerly anticipating the arrival of my final guest. Just as Gemma, Kim and Noel begin bonding over the trials of being paid many thousands of pounds to sit around and simply exist for the viewing pleasures of mere mortals like myself, Kanye West teleports himself into the room, in a futuristic flash of lightning and to the tune of his 2010 hit Power, blowing a massive hole into the entire left side of my house in the process. It’s true what he says, you know - the man really is a genius.

We take our seats at the dinner table, as soon as the rest of my guests are done with the obligatory search through my knicker drawer (cue a comeback for Kim’s famous How Clean Is Your House? catchphrase, “Oh, you dirty devil!”) that happens on every edition of Come Dine With Me. You know, despite everything else on the programme, that’s the one bit of it that I’ve never really understood. Every single one of the show’s 1,647 episodes includes a bizarre sequence in which the contestants go running around the host’s home, rifling through their personal belongings and mocking them for the cameras. I’m sure the point of it is supposed to be to give the guests a chance to ‘get to know’ the host, but then I’d have thought that spending five nights eating and chatting with them would be a fairly effective way of doing that. Besides, can you imagine catching your guests doing that in real life? I wouldn’t be sitting them down for a meal and rating them for a chance to win £1,000, I’d be throwing them out, maybe even calling the police, depending on what exactly they were doing with the belongings in question. Not that I have time to think about that right now, I’ve got a cheeseboard to prepare!

First topic of conversation is, of course, TV, and as we tuck into our Ritz biscuits and Tesco Value mature cheddar, Noel gives us his opinion.

“My main issue with television these days is that I’m just not on it enough.” A valid viewpoint. We take a moment to collectively long for the days of Noel’s HQ, a drunken nightmare that was somehow harnessed and broadcast to the masses by Sky1, way back in 2008. Noel’s HQ has been mostly lost to time, except for the presence of a video on YouTube entitled ‘Noel Edmonds speaks with passion’, which is well worth a watch if, like me, you enjoy four minute long videos of TV presenters struggling to stifle their own belief that they might just be The Best Person Ever. There’s a great bit in it where he angrily declares to his delighted audience, “I don’t get paid a penny for doing this show”. Noel, I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you for your sacrifice. 

Speaking of The Best Person Ever, Kanye is noticeably quiet. But then, Kanye isn’t here to share his views. Kanye isn’t particularly here to do anything. Kanye is simply here to observe - to greet his subjects, and work out what makes them tick. Kanye can sense our excitement to be sat in his presence, and Kanye enjoys this. It feeds Kanye. Far more than my meager dinner offerings ever could.

I press Gemma for her own opinions on TV, as someone who is literally always on it. Gemma Collins gets where Domestos can’t. It may sound like I’m being flippant, but in all honesty, I love Gemma Collins. I’m not even sure why, I just know I do. She’s famous for the sake of being famous, and she’s bloody good at it. She’s also quite possibly the most quotable public figure since Shakespeare himself. Maybe even more than Shakespeare. Think about it. What inspires you more? “To be or not to be?”, like anyone knows what that actually means, or “Nah, fuck this, I’m out of here. Get that fire exit door. Am off.”, a poetic sentiment, which conveys an emotion we’ve surely all felt at some point in our lives? I know who gets my vote.

Kim misunderstands the question “what do you think of television today?” as “how clean do you think my television is?”, and responds by pulling out a five pack of dusters and a can of Mr Sheen, and getting to work on the flatscreen in the corner of my living room. Oh well, at least all that cleaning will make her hungry in time for the main course. Speaking of which, maybe it’s time I got on with that.

Despite their disappointment with the starters, the main course - Super Noodle sandwiches, with a generous side-helping of curly fries - appears to delight all my guests, except Kim, who mutters under her breath that it all seems very tacky. I won’t let it get me down. It’s my heartfelt belief that anything can be a sandwich filling if you’re brave enough, and my other three guests agree with me. Kanye lets out a satisfied ‘hm’. Excellent. 

We sit down to dessert, and another glass of Echo Falls. The wine is going down surprisingly well, especially with Kim, who has started subtly rolling her eyes at the conversation between myself and Gemma Collins, who are bonding over how much we love Gemma Collins. Kim purses her lips. Her Spidey-senses are tingling. There’s conflict afoot. 

I quiz Noel about an article that I saw in 2015 and have never forgotten. It was featured on The Independent, and was headlined ‘Noel Edmonds says that ‘death doesn’t exist’ and that ‘Electrosmog’ is more deadly than Ebola’. I know that this sounds like something I just came up with, but I regret to tell you that is absolutely something he said. In real life. I’ll give you a minute to take that in.

Noel Edmonds reaffirms this view to me, speaking with the same unnerving passion he did in the YouTube clip I mentioned earlier. I nod politely. I begin to wonder if everyone’s had a little too much Echo Falls, and if I can really handle another four nights with these people. It’s at this moment that, for the first time all night, His Almighty Westness speaks. 

“I really feel what you’re saying right now”, he tells Noel. We wait together for the next part of the statement, but it never comes. Kanye West outstretches his arm to Noel Edmonds. They shake hands. None of us can quite believe it. And for a moment, Noel and Kanye are right. It does feel as though death doesn’t exist. Nothing exists outside of this dinner party. Everything that matters is happening around my dining table at this very second. 

The silence is broken by Kim Woodburn tutting into a wine glass. 

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake,” she drawls, rolling her eyes, “What a load of nonsensical tosh.”

“Excuse me?”, asks Noel, still hand-in-hand with Kanye West, an alliance he is clearly eager to keep going for as long as possible, on the off chance that he fancies funding another series of Noel’s House Party, “I don’t see you bringing anything to the table here, Kim.”

She widens her eyes, taking another generous gulp of Echo Falls - and I know exactly what she’s about to bring to the table. A big old fight. 

Gemma Collins throws in her two cents. 

“I think we should all calm down a little bit, d’ya know what I mean? I’m having a lovely meal at a fan’s house, I can’t be arsed with an argument.” Wise words, as always, Gemma. Wise words.

It all kicks off.

“You can be quiet, you talentless, orange foghorn!”, sneers Kim, “You’ve contributed nothing to the conversation this evening, other than talking about yourself.”

Gemma’s eyes seem to cloud over with anger, as her complexion quickly transitions from Dulux shade Tangerine Twist to Cranberry Crunch. She knocks the rest of her wine back. Everything goes quiet again for a moment, as Noel, Kanye and I watch the two TV divas stare at each other. It’s like a scene from an old Western, but with diamonds and veneers.

With a violent roar, she launches herself across the table, grabbing Kim by her fake ponytail. I jump up to hold her back, as Kanye leaps from his seat to hold Kim from Gemma. There’s a mad blur of acrylic nails and tufts of bleach blonde hair flying between them, some of it landing into the banoffee pie I had worked so hard on. Noel stands back, arms folded, watching the action in dismay. If you could see the whole picture, it might resemble a renaissance painting, the sort that could be hung in a gallery anywhere in the world and analysed for it’s artistic importance. ‘Nous aimons le boeuf’, it might be called. French for ‘we love the beef’. Doesn’t really matter it means, though, to be fair, as long as it sounds clever and artsy.

Noel shakes his head. 

“What the hell am I doing here?”, he asks, frustrated, “I’m a huge TV star.”

Security eventually intervene, somewhat reluctantly, given the fact this is the most action they’ve seen on a shoot for Come Dine With Me, possibly ever. Producers watch back the footage of the fight on an iPad, sat on my sofa, attempting to mask their delight at what they’d caught on camera.

Kanye eventually stands up, soberly taking in the scene in front of him. Is this how Jay-Z felt as he left the elavator?, he wonders.

“I’m gonna take off”, he informs everyone, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room in the aftermath. But before he can teleport out of the room again, possibly blowing a hole in the other side of my house, the producer speaks up.

“Same time tomorrow? It’s Gemma’s night.”

Four more nights of this… four more nights, all for the chance to win £1,000… is it worth it? 

Of course it is. It was a blast. Same time tomorrow, indeed.

To see some highlights from the iconic Preston week of Come Dine With Me, click here. To see Noel Edmonds speak with passion, click here. To follow me on twitter, click here, or here for instagram :)