#like....last time i told someone like romantically... they broke up w me immediately after lmao it was so fucked up

[suggable]

ok so....tmi...but I told my bf i loved him for the first time n everything went well n god i 😭😭😭

[vvakarians]

I need to be vulnerable for a second.

It’s been a year. I’ve made a lot of progress and am still uprooting shit I’ve been wading in for a while now. I’m growing and learning. But I’ve never gone into detail really, maybe on twitter and mentioned it a couple times but yeah. Been thinking a lot.

TW for Homophobia / Abuse

TLDR; My best friend was a shitlord and I spent ten minutes painfully sobbing about it. I’m fine lmao just needed to make a messy post.

Won’t be mentioning who they were on SM here but if mutuals who are and were friends w/ both of us want to know, hmu lmao. I sincerely hope y’all didn’t get shit on like I did

I’m so tired. I’m tired of knowing that someone I used to call my best friend literally cyberstalked me in a discord server and when I told them I wanted to have a space without them/wouldn’t be interacting with their character, they lost it.

I’ll call this person A. They were there for me through a lot but it got weird towards the end for sure. A was always clingy, always needed to be right (passed it off as an OCD thing), and always felt like they needed to be included in things I was doing. Abandonment issues due to trauma they said, still doesn’t excuse it but you know? Fine.

I identified as aro/ace for a long time bc I was severely traumatized. Someone thirst followed me and cornered me into a relationship/took my kindness for granted (Not A, not yet). A’s reaction was to assume I would never have time for them and we would drift apart, just because I had a partner. They complained about this to me and said that even if I was just their friend and QPP (we were both aro/ace) that they still felt I would abandon them. I tried to calm them down the entire time, this was October 2018. Three days later I had a severe PTSD break (unrelated trauma) and broke up with my ‘boyfriend’. A said it was the right decision and we left it at that.

Cut to me a year later having recovered a bit and realizing I had romantic feelings still. That I *wanted* to kiss and take someone out, and do heavily romantic things. During this time A and I had severe issues with D&D parties also where they would break down if they didn’t know everything and said that I couldn’t produce any part of my worlds for profit bc theh had contributed in a small way. It was a bad time. It lead to the complete disintegration of two relationships that I can...probably never get back. One of which I’m not sure I *want* back, but that’s a different story.

Basically they wanted to be the DM with half the credit despite only making npcs I could easily replace or cut out entirely. Now that I started playing again, I have.

I still was friends with them, still waveringly QPP’s with them. Though I’d often feel my skin crawl when they touched me or wanted to be in my space. This was all the time, not when I got triggered into a PTSD episode. I was annoyed when they wanted to always be in my space and have all my attention. But I felt obligated to A and had been recently traumatized again.

Even with all of this I wanted to come out as gay / mlm but still keep part of my aceness with me. Of course in feeling this, I approached A to let them know. Their response was to immediately come back with ‘we can do all of those things you want to do with a romantic partner’. Which I felt may be true for some aspecs but not me. I wanted to *be* with someone and not just...a friend. I wanted to have a boyfriend and be cheesy. I told A that it was probably true but I wanted something else. That I wanted space to think on what they had said. They came back with ‘you’re abandoning me. You just don’t like me. Everyone always leaves me’. Once again with the ‘you get a bf you’ll forget I exist’ rhetoric 🙃.

I told them that they weren’t the person I wanted to be romantic with. I was looking for someone else. I wasn’t attracted to them that way. They took that as an insult. Though to me they relented. Come to find out A got one of our mutual friends involved bc they lived in the same area. They vented and complained to them that I was going to abandon them, that I was punishing them, that they didn’t know what they did wrong. Which was behavior my parents exhibited when I was forced out as trans to them. That Inwas punishing them somehow for a misdeed or that they knew me better, they did something ‘wrong’.

The only outlet I had away from A was TikTok, we weren’t really doing D&D anymore because the party had dissolved due to their controlling habits. Every account I had was heavily monitored by A, I would vent and they would immediately pull it up and ask if I was okay. Even if I had explicitly said before that I was alright and needed some space. But TikTok was a place they barely went on. So I cosplayed more after our last visit (October 2019), and got a small following after joining a lovely d&d tag ran by one of my now closest friends. I also met my boyfriend through this tag, and several other very close friends. I made an oc that I integrated in one or two sessions of D&D before I completely stopped DMing.

Now, it gets worse. I get a following for cosplaying my oc Asariel Whately, join a server, and for a time have a pretty okay place away from A. Some breathing room. When I mentioned that Asariel (who we had talked about maybe being w/ an oc of theirs) was going to romance my now boyfriends oc in the tag, they got upset. They said that they were sad to see them with someone else, and asked if it could all be before my campaign/not actually be real. I told them no and that I’d continue doing what I wanted.

Well, after that and scouring my TikTok (i made the mistake of saying anything in the first place), they got invited to the server and started RPing/cosplaying in the tag. Which they’re allowed to do, but A has a history of wanting to be in my things and being the center of attention. When I say A got involved with *several* other characters, including a possible *minor*, that doesn’t even cover the worst of it. They got involved in a huge polyam relationship (which is fine, i’ll explain why their behavior was weird tho) that LITERALLY took up chunks of the whole server. Any time my bf and I got into chat to rp out some scene for Asariel and Fraanic, A was there to bury our scene in their own garbage. Could have been conicidence but who knows. Then the minor got added into the mix and most of us just had the server on mute/rped in DMs. It was so bad that other people noticed their bad behavior, meta gaming, and needing to be right.

Our relationship ended when someone from a private close knit server made up of all the people who wanted to remove ourselves from the toxic environment, outed our server. Said there was an nsfw server and A immediately jumped to say they wanted an invite. I panicked and DMed them for the first time in weeks to say that they couldn’t. That I needed space from them and this was the one place I had. We had a fight, they said ‘they’re my friends too’ and I pointed out that they had forced their way in, that I said I needed space. Eventually they gave up on it, thank god. But it left me wrecked for months. I didn’t create, I retreated into a two person server with my best friend who is now my boyfriend and just never looked back.

While I’m grateful that this massive upheaval gave me a new support network, got me into a good place for a romantic partnership, and allowed me to heal...I still have a lot of pain. I felt like I had been commodiefied, like an object because of how kind and soft and pliable I was. Because someone thought I was beautiful and *theirs* in the worst way. My ocs who are some of my largest coping mechanisms were tainted, I could barely play Dragon Age, couldn’t think about it. Because someone had conpletely obliterated my love for it. I hate to think they then continued to do that same thing to other people but I honestly have no clue what A is doing now. They dropped off the planet and honestly good riddance.

[idonthaveanyurlideas]

One Job

AKA: Jester caught wind that someone in the Nein has a crush on her and who better to help her figure out who it is than her detective partner Nott? Surely Nott isn’t secretly the only person who knows who it is. 

Read it on AO3 lmao

It had been a beautiful day. Calm, peaceful, exactly what Nott and the rest of the Mighty Nein needed after the chaotic weeks they’d had. They’d been on the Balleater for a few days now, heading out to where the peace talks between Dwendal and the Bright Queen would take place, and the break before that happened could not have been more welcome.

Nott had been enjoying it, about as much as she could enjoy being on a wooden death trap surrounded by water. It was peaceful, at least, and she could stay below the deck (but close enough to the surface that she could run if a leak appeared) and relax.

Then Jester quite literally kicked the door open.

“Nott holy fuck!” Jester was seemingly unperturbed by the ensuing screeching, closing the door gently behind her before running up to where Nott had been organising her vials. “Nott, you’ll never believe it!”

“Shit, Jester, you nearly gave me a heart attack-” Nott had a hand over her chest, breathing deeply. “Is someone dead?”

“What? No! Of course not.” Jester rolled her eyes like she was stupid, just because she’d nearly kicked the door off its hinges completely was no reason to think something bad had happened, jeez Nott. “But I found out something totally crazy.”

Nott narrowed her eyes, looking around and half expecting something to pop out. Jester had really been going crazy on the pranks lately in preparation for Travellercon, thinking up and testing out all sorts of jokes and surprises on them.

Nothing happened, so she looked back to Jester, who was bouncing on her toes. “What is it?”

Well-” Jester’s hands were in fists, held loosely in front of her like she was preparing to cheer. “I was talking to the Traveller and he told me that he’d heard that someone in the Nein actually has a crush on me~”

Nott froze, staring. “What?”

“Yeah, I know, right? And he said that he wasn’t sure exactly who it was but I think he might be lying and he just doesn’t want to tell me right away because it should be a surprise but he’s very observant you know, and he’s hanging out a lot so he’s seen stuff so he would totally know, right?” Jester spoke even faster than she usually did before suddenly hesitating. “Wait, are you the one with a crush on me?”

“Me?” Nott stammered, almost dropping the vials she was holding. “No! I mean, you’re very cute, and awesome, obviously, but I don’t- I don’t like you like that. I’m married!”

“Right! That’s what I thought!” Jester turned away, pacing in a small circle while Nott put her vials down before they broke or she had an actual heart attack and dropped them. “But then who is it?”

“I have no idea!” Nott smiled widely in the picture of over-exaggerated innocence, but luckily Jester wasn’t looking at her.

“We have to find out!”

“What?”

Jester spun around again to look at her, a smile splitting her face. “It’s a mystery!”

“What?”

“And who better to help me solve it than my detective partner!”

“W h a t?”

“It will be fun! We’ll figure it out together!” Jester continued, before gasping. “I’ll go get my things! Then we can devise a plan!”

She promptly darted out of the room, leaving Nott by herself again, but no longer relaxed. Oh god.

Jester knew, or at least thought she knew, that someone in the Nein had a crush on her. And she had asked the one person who knew who had a crush on her to help her figure it out.

Beau could not have been more clear that she didn't want anyone to know. Especially Jester herself. They were on a boat. There would be no escape from an angry monk.  

She didn’t even have her flask to deal with this.

She was doomed.

----------

“Okay!” Jester announced, holding a piece of paper listing all the other members of the Mighty Nein in her hands. “We have five options!”

Nott, feeling not unlike she did when the Nein were about to head into a terrible, dangerous dungeon, nodded mutely from the bed she was sitting on while Jester flounced about in front of her.

“We need to tackle this methodically, carefully.” She said, looking at the piece of paper. “I think we should start with Beau-”

“Beau? Why Beau?” Nott’s voice definitely did not crack, and when Jester looked at her, she definitely did not wince.

“Why not?” Jester tilted her head. “I mean, she’s my roommate and everything, we’ve basically spent the most time together.”

“Nah, I don’t think it’s her.” Nott folded her arms, closing her eyes. Perhaps that would make it easier to lie. “She doesn’t do romance.”

And if she found out what Nott was doing she’d lose her mind. Fifty percent chance she’d just throw herself overboard. Nott had seen Beau during the Zone of Truth in the Xhorhaus. She was hopeless. The other fifty percent was the chance that she’d throw Nott overboard instead. Maybe if she did, Nott could just run across the water all the way back home. Hmm. She filed that away as a last resort.

Jester deflated a little, frowning down at the list. “Then… who should we start with?”

“What about Fjord?” Nott suggested. “That would make sense, right?”

Maybe he’d also turn out to have a crush on Jester and Beau’s secret would stay safe.

“I guess…” The frown continued for a moment more before it was erased away, replaced by a confident smile. “Okay! Fjord first!”

She rubbed her hands together, the paper scrunched up. “Here’s what we’ll do! Nott, you’ll go up and ask Fjord if he has a crush on me, and then I’ll hide behind the door and overhear!”

“What?!” Nott’s voice was going to go hoarse from all the shrieking she was doing today. “Why me?”

“He won’t be totally honest if I do it!” Jester threw her hands up. “It wouldn’t be real.”

“And coercing a confession through me… is real?”

Jester looked at her for a moment, seeming to consider it.

“I mean, yeah?”

Nott really, really wished she had her flask.

----------

Fjord had been on the deck when Nott found him, Jester disguised as one of the sailors a few feet away pretending to be messing with ropes.

Nott had asked why Jester couldn’t disguise herself as Nott and ask everyone, but Jester had just mumbled a reason about not wanting to be distracted trying to act like Nott when she really wanted to be focused on figuring out who liked her.

Whatever. Nott had accepted her fate. This was going to kill her, the only question was who would end up doing it.

“Fjord?” She should have suggested someone else first. She didn’t know what the fuck she was supposed to say.

“Nott?” Fjord raised an eyebrow in her direction, looking out to the horizon. “What’s up?”

Resisting the temptation to look back where Jester was milling around and acting like she knew how the ship’s ropes worked, Nott took a deep breath. “Can’t I talk to one of my dear, dear friends?”

Well if he wasn’t suspicious before, he definitely was now.

“What do you want?”

“Okay, okay, look. Look.” She pressed her hands together. “This is serious shit. It’s about Jester.”

Some of the wariness slipped into concern, and Fjord turned to face her more properly. “What about her?”

There was a short silence, and Nott decided to toss up a quiet prayer to whatever fucking god might be listening. Except the Traveller, who had caused this mess in the first place. The Traveller could choke.

“Do you have a crush on her?”

Fjord stared at her. Nott stared back.

“What the fuck?”

“It’s a simple question!” Nott threw up her hands, voice a little louder than intended.

“Why are you asking me this? What’s going on?”

“I just wanted to know! Just say yes or no!”

“No? I don’t have a crush on Jester.” Fjord was looking at her like she’d sprouted another head, shaking his own and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Nott stiffened. “Wait, you don’t? Really?” Her hands dropped to her side. “Are you sure?”

He rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure. I’ve had plenty of time to consider my feelings for Jester, and though I love her, it’s not romantically.”

“But…” But that meant they’d have to keep going. And eventually Jester would get to Beau’s name. “Are you really sure?”

“Why are you so concerned?” Fjord folded his arms. “It’s none of your business anyway.”

“Uh… no reason! Fuck you!” Nott scowled. “I haven’t had alcohol in a week!”

Fjord narrowed his eyes at her, before groaning. “If you’re going through withdrawal, you can go be pissy at literally anyone else.”

She flipped him off as she left, just for good measure, before immediately turning and running out of his view, where Jester met up with her.

“Well, I guess we can check Fjord off the list.” Jester sighed, pulling out her piece of paper.

“Are you disappointed?” Nott asked, wincing.

Jester didn’t answer for a moment, pursing her lips as she crossed Fjord’s name out. “No, that’s okay. I just don’t know who to do next.”

“What about Caleb?” Nott said. At least she knew how to talk to Caleb. And Caleb was great, maybe he’d have a crush on Jester and then it would all work out and Beau would remain unaware and Nott would remain alive and whole.

----------

“Heeeeyyyyy, Cay.” Nott pushed open the door to Caleb’s quarter’s, which he technically shared with Caduceus, who was thankfully not there.

Caleb was sitting on one of the cots with his spellbook out, writing in notes. He looked up when Nott entered, waving a loose hello before going back to his work.

Nott walked in, leaving the door ajar behind her and sidling up to Caleb’s cot. “Whatcha working on?”

“My dunamantic studies. I hope to have the spells Essek taught me perfected by the time we return to Xhorhas.” Caleb said.

“Ooh, very cool, very cool. You’re so smart. And handsome. And romantic. Hey, totally random segue, how do you feel about Jester?”

Caleb turned to look at her, utter confusion plain on his face. She just stared back, smiling placidly.

“Jester?”

“Yes, Jester. Unless there are any other random Jester’s I don’t know about.” She cracked a crooked grin, nudging Caleb’s ribs with her elbow and avoiding looking directly in his eyes. If she did, she’d lose it.

“I… I think Jester is very nice. She is a dear friend, and powerful ally.” Caleb finally said, speaking even more slowly and deliberately than he usually did.

“Okaaay, any other feelings? Any at all?” Nott pressed.

“She is very intelligent… and a valuable member of our team. I think we are all very lucky for knowing her.” Caleb straightened up a little, turning his body towards her. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine!” A part of her wanted Caleb to realise the truth. Maybe then Jester would give the whole idea up. Maybe if she blinked long enough Caleb would realise she was being coerced. “I just wanted to know how you felt about Jester! Maybe- maybe if there were any… romantic inclinations?”

“Romantic inclinations?” Caleb repeated, eyes widening a little, though his expression changed little beyond that. “No. I don’t feel anything romantically for Jester.”

“Not even a little?”

“No. I care for Jester very deeply, as I care for everyone in the Nein. But, ah, not romantically. Those kinds of feelings… they are rare for me.” The corner of his mouth quirked a little, and he leaned a little towards her. “Did you think I did?”

“Uh… yeah! Yeah, you know, ever since- ever since you two danced at Hupperdook, way back when, ha, I’ve just been… convinced.” Nott laughed awkwardly, and Caleb chuckled once.

“Oh, that is a long time ago.” He said. “No. That was just a dance. I hope you haven’t talked to Jester about this. I wouldn’t want to give her a false impression.”

“Course not.” Nott said, the words feeling a bit hollow. “I wouldn’t tell anyone about feelings like that.”

“Yes, I imagine it probably wouldn’t be the best way to find out.” Caleb mused, and it was all Nott could do to stop herself from pulling her own hair out. “Did you need anything else? I wouldn’t mind the company.”

Sliding off the cot, Nott tried to act natural. “Nah, I’m- really hungry, I’m gonna go find some food. Bye!”

“That was a bust too.” Jester scowled once they reconvened in a hallway far away from Caleb’s room.

“He did say lots of nice things about you, though.” Nott said.

“He did. But he doesn’t love me.” She crossed Caleb’s name out, tapping the pen to her chin at the three remaining. “Okay, now I think we should try Beau.”

“What? Nah, I don’t think so.” Nott said. Shit, shit, she needed to think of a good reason. “What about Yasha? We know she likes ladies!”

“So does Beau, though. And Yasha like, used to be married. I don’t know, that might feel weird.” Jester frowned. “Maybe we should leave Yasha.”

“You asked me if I had a crush on you and I’m married right now.” Nott said. “Besides, Yasha smacked your butt that one time while you were a mammoth! That’s totally romantic.”

“She did do that, didn’t she.” Jester considered, before finally grinning. “Okay, okay, let’s do Yasha.”

Nott nodded, hoping her relief wasn’t visible on her face. Safe, for a little while longer.

----------

It actually took a while to find Yasha. While looking, Nott had peered into the Captain’s Quarters and found Beau rummaging through Avantika’s old closet (which had already been thoroughly ransacked the last time they’d been on the Balleater) and promptly led Jester as far away to the other side of the ship as possible before she could realise Beau was there.

Luckily, Yasha was on the other side of the ship. In the cargo hold.

“Uh, Yash? What are you doing down here?” Nott asked.

“It’s quiet.” Yasha said, closing the book in her lap. “There are a lot more crew members now than there was last time, it feels very busy.”

“Oh, cool.” Nott sat down opposite Yasha. She was even more clueless as to how to broach this than she had been with Fjord. “So… how have you been?”

Yasha shifted a little, considering. She was like Caleb in that way, she always liked to take a moment to select her words. “Good, I suppose. I’m glad nothing has happened while we are on this boat yet.”

Nott nodded. “Yeah. That’s good.” They lapsed into a light silence.

Yasha eventually went back to reading her book, and Nott could feel herself starting to sweat.

On one hand, if this lasted forever, they’d never have the chance to ask Beau, and Nott would live to see tomorrow. On the other hand, she wasn’t sure if Jester had enough patience for that.

“Ladies, amiright?” Was what her stupid, panicked, possibly actually going through withdrawal brain finally came up with, and when Yasha’s eyes snapped up to look at her she thought she might actually splinter into a hundred pieces.

Literally what?

“Uh…” Yasha’s voice trailed off. “Right?” Another silence. “Is… is there something you want to tell me?”

Nott felt the blood rush to her cheeks, her fingers digging into her palms and her voice cracking as she rushed to explain herself. “No! I mean- not like that! I know you like ladies but I don’t, I was just- uh- you like girls, don’t you?”

“Yes?” Yasha’s eyebrows knitted together, and she gently closed the book, placing it aside. “I am… confused.”

“So-” She chuckled breathlessly. “What about Jester? She’s pretty cute, right? The kind of girl you’d be looking at?”

“Jester is very cute, yes.” Yasha relaxed a little. “She is wonderful.”

“So… you’re attracted to her? Like a crush?”

“I wouldn’t say that, I don’t think.” Yasha shrugged lightly, before eyeing her. “Are you attracted to her?”

“What? No! She’s one of my best friends!” Nott said, and a ghost of a smile crossed Yasha’s face. “I’m not!”

“I believe you. I’m not either.”

“Yeah, we’re just a couple of gals who aren’t attracted to Jester, right?”

“Right.” Yasha was still looking at her, slightly amused but mostly confused, probably wondering if there was something else going on here.

“Right.” Nott repeated.

“Right.”

Silence.

A very, very long silence.

“Can I have my flask back?”

“No.”

“Well, great talking to you! Bye Yasha!”

She walked very casually out of the cargo hold. Which in reality meant she could not have looked more awkward, painfully aware of Yasha’s eyes following her every move until she was out of sight.

“Another no?” Jester was already crossing off Yasha’s name.

“Another no.” Nott said, grimacing. “Onto Caduceus?”

“I don’t really think it’s Caduceus.” Jester said.

“Come on, you should give it a shot. Would your best detective friend lead you wrong?” Nott smiled, though honestly if Jester pushed going for Beau she wasn’t sure how much she’d be able to resist. Caduceus would say no and they’d have to do it anyway.

Maybe she could just accept the inevitable. Tell Jester now and hide somewhere Beau would never find her even if she tore apart the entire boat.

No. She’d kept the secret until now. She could keep going. She had to. At least then Beau wouldn’t be able to say she hadn’t tried.

----------

She found Caduceus in the kitchen, which he had effectively monopolised since they’d gotten onto the boat. Apparently whatever system the crew members used was totally inefficient, and he was still reorganising it to his comfort.

“Caddyshack, what’s up?” Nott slid into the kitchen, leaning against a barrel.

“Hello, Nott.” Caduceus said mildly. “Do you need something?”

“You grew up pretty isolated, right?”

“I suppose so.” Caduceus shrugged, looking at her curiously. “Why do you ask?”

“I’m just wondering… how were you and your siblings going to ever… find partners in life? If you lived in the cemetery your whole lives?” She was honestly not even trying to seem natural anymore, and she could feel Caduceus’ eyes peering through her, staring into her soul. Hopefully he could see how totally exhausted she was and go easy on her.

“We were not bound to the cemetery, we could leave if we wished.” Caduceus’ face didn’t change, as if he hadn’t noticed anything amiss at all.

“Would you have ever left? If we had never come by, would you have gone out to find a wife? Or husband, or whatever?”

“I suppose I might’ve, eventually. That’s never been a particularly big concern for me.”

“So… you don’t think any of us would be suitable partners? Like me… or Jester…”

Caduceus’ eyes flickered to her again, holding for a moment before shifting around the room. “If Jester wants to know whether I have romantic feelings for her she could just ask me herself, you know.”

“Whaaaaaat-”

“Shit-” There was a muffled thud and then the kitchen door swung open, Jester stumbling inside from where she had evidently been leaning against it to listen in. “Caduceussssss, did you know I was there the whole time?”

“No. I just guessed based on when I overheard the two of you plotting to figure out who had a crush on you while you walked by her an hour ago.” Caduceus’ face remained perfectly neutral, but after a moment he started to smile. “I don’t, by the way. But I’m flattered.”

Jester groaned, and Nott looked between the two of them.

“There are easier ways to go about it, you know.” Caduceus said. “Like asking us.”

Jester stood up, hanging her head and suddenly looking very embarrassed. “Yeah, but…”

“You didn’t have a problem using Zone of Truth for it back in Xhorhas.” Caduceus pointed out.

“That’s different! There it’s like, kind of a joke, you know?” Jester defended herself, wringing her hands together. “And I didn’t think anyone actually had a crush on me.”

“And how has this gone?”

There was a short silence, and Jester’s face fell. “Terrible. Now I just feel bad. I shouldn’t have tried to figure it out, this isn’t romantic at all .”

“Can I ask what you were going to do if one of us admitted to having romantic feelings for you?” Caduceus asked. “Or were you hoping for someone in particular to say yes.”

Jester looked at him, biting her lip. Realisation slowly dawned, and Nott’s mouth dropped open.

“Jester… do you have a crush on one of us?” She asked. “Wait, it’s not still Fjord, is it?”

“No!” Jester groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Not anymore! That was different, this is- I don’t know what!”

“Did you want to find out if your crush liked you back?” Nott asked, and Jester froze up for a moment before nodding, her face still hidden from view.

Nott’s brain practically melted, trying to figure out which of the Nein it was. It wasn’t her, since Jester had enlisted her help in the first place. But she hadn’t had a particularly upset reaction to any of the others saying they didn’t have feelings for her.

Which left only one they hadn’t asked yet.

“It’s Beau?” Her voice nearly squeaked when she asked it.

Jester nodded again.

Nott stared.

The feelings had been mutual the entire time? SERIOUSLY?

She could’ve AVOIDED this entire anxiety-inducing MESS?

The universe truly was a cruel mistress.

“You have to tell her!” She practically screeched, and Jester’s head jerked up.

“What? No, no, I can’t! This was a stupid idea, I never should’ve done it!”

“No, you should! Shoot your shot, you know? Take a risk! A chance!” Put an end to her misery!

“I don’t think it could hurt.” Caduceus added, not quite as encouraging and confident as Nott would have hoped but better than nothing.

“You can do it! We’ve gone through everyone else on the list, haven’t we? If you stop now, you’ll just drive yourself crazy thinking about it!”

Jester paused, considering that. “You’re probably right about that… but I can’t just force it, can I? It should be… it should be romantic.”

“I first kissed my husband on a dare.” Nott said, scoffing lightly. “Anything can be romantic if you love the other person.”

“You think so?” Jester perked up a little, and Nott nodded, frantic to keep this going.

“Of course! It’ll be great! Beau was in the Captain’s Quarters last I saw her, there’s that awesome balcony and everything, super secluded, super romantic.”

“Yeah… yeah! I can do it!”

“I believe in you, Jester! Knock her off her feet! Blow her socks off! Maybe punch her, she probably finds that hot!” Nott began pushing Jester towards the door, wishing her good luck as she found her excitement, going from hesitant steps to confident strides.

When she was gone, Nott slammed the kitchen door shut, leaning up against it and sliding to the ground. “Holy shit I thought I was gonna lose it.”

Now Caduceus looked truly amused. “You think this will end well?”

“It fucking better, I’ve been trying not to tell Jester Beau loves her all day!” Nott exclaimed.

A split second later Caduceus’ eyes widened, and Nott realised her mistake.

“fuck.”

“If Beau finds out you convinced Jester to confess, I’m sure she’ll find it in her heart to forgive you.”

[spaedia]

PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO READ.

alrighty dudes, dudettes, and everything in between. this is the last post i intend to ever make on tumblr, so listen up. in regards to the bullshit “callout” posted the other day:

CALLOUT, I GUESS, FOR DEVIL AND CO, BUT MOSTLY DEVIL BC LET’S FACE IT, WITHOUT THE SCREENSHOTS YOU PROVIDED, YOUR ARGUMENT FOR WHY WART IS A BAD PERSON IS “HE DAMAGED MY EGO OWO”. YOU SAID THIS WASN’T YOUR PROBLEM? WELL I’M MAKING IT YOUR PROBLEM, ASSHAT.

so let’s start w/ the screenshots in question. i haven’t read the callout, so idk what was used, but considering i had upwards of 5 people come to me and ask me if i was okay, i can take a guess. let the record show that all of the messages i sent to dev and norgie regarding wart was in the midst of our breakup, which was messy enough as is. when wart and i first broke up, i had dev and co blocked bc of personal reasons. devil then decided to HUNT DOWN ONE OF MY BLOGS and follow me (after i assume staking it out, bc he’s known for stalking people). i confronted him, and he gave me some shtick about how he’ll “always care about me” and i’m “still his little sister”, blah blah blah other manipulative bullcrap. against my better judgement, i let him back in.

wart was my first boyfriend. i adored him with everything i had, so naturally, this breakup left me in a bad emotional state. devil and norgie took COMPLETE ADVANTAGE OF THIS, and when i told them what happened between wart and i, immediately began twisting it to make wart out to be the bad guy. it was norgie who originally suggested that i had been emotionally abused, and in my vulnerable state, i began to see things that way. 

not that it’s anyone’s business, but if you wanna know how the breakup went, it was something like this: wart’s mental state was deteriorating, i suggested maybe we take a break, immediately went back on that statement, wart broke things off the next morning. there was no emotional abuse, no threatening of suicide, no physical violence - it was a breakup. things didn’t work out. it happens. but of course, this didn’t fit dev and co’s narrative, so they needed to get me to admit things were much worse than they were. when i later came to my senses and realized this was all bullshit, devil and norgie then decided to GUILT TRIP ME by pointing out how they spent “two hours” on call with me while i cried. after i had just had my heart broken. no shit i was upset. newsflash: wart spent a lot longer with me on call while i was breaking down. hell, he broke up with me and still let me cry on his shoulder. and unlike dev and norgie, he never once acted like i owed him, because that’s what friends do. but hey, go on and talk about how wart’s the abusive one.

devil has spent years abusing my trust. every time i tell him i don’t want so speak with him, he comes back awhile later with some new apology and reasoning for his behavior. and like most toxic relationships, it was hard to let him ago, especially after losing the person i cared most about. he blatantly took advantage of my situation to fuel his vendetta. the only reason i told him anything was because he promised me he wouldn’t make a post unless wart “stepped out of line” (which, looking back, is a huge red flag: what gives him the right to police other people?). and had i not begun to confront him about all the bullshit he made me say, he probably would have held off. in fact, he told me that one of the “main reasons” he felt this “needed to come out” was because i was starting to defend wart. when i realized that dev was serious about making this callout, i told him i wanted no part of it. he asked me for screenshots of some of my and wart’s conversations, to which i gave him a hard no. did that stop him from using our personal messages in his sorry excuse for a callout? of course not. these are the type of people who don’t care about anyone except themselves, dev has made that perfectly clear. MY PRIVACY AND AN INNOCENT MAN’S WELL BEING MEANT NOTHING TO HIM. all he and his friends cared about was spurring along their vendetta. and honestly, if i was wart, i would have sued y’all for harassment and defamation of character ages ago.

with the matter of those messages out of the way, let’s move on to dev’s actual claims. this is where the defamation gets real, because he had the nerve to call wart a predator. seriously? what, because he dated someone a few years younger than him?

dev loves to throw the word pedo.phile around, despite the fact that he obviously doesn’t know what it means. pedo.philia “is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children”. i started puberty when i was twelve, and wart and i didn’t even meet until i was fifteen. so immediately, he doesn’t fit the bill for a pedo.phile. #sorrynotsorry.

but let’s work around that. let’s say, that because he was romantically attracted to me, that automatically makes him a pedo.phile. i’m going to remind everyone of something devil would love to leave buried: the fact that, when i was thirteen, and again at fourteen, devil tried to coerce me into writing smut with him, along with a sixteen year old girl. he used my trust of him to assure me that it would be fine. his excuse? “my (ex)girlfriend made me do it.” cause that’s a solid argument alright. so fine, label wart a pedo.phile. i sure hope dev’s planning on giving himself the same label, because what he did is a lot worse lmao.

i don’t have screenshots from dev and my conversations, i think he deleted that account, but here’s him w/ the other girl.

so yeah long story short: dev knew this girl was underage, still tried to smut with her. take my word that he tried with me, i guess. i don’t think he’s ever denied it.

now, admittedly, i didn’t need to bring this up, but according to devil it’s important that predators get called out, so...he brought this on himself.

now i’m going to tell y’all the story of how wart and i started dating, because it really puts a hole in this “predator” story. see, for wart to be a predator, he would have had to target me in some way (come to think of it, much like devil did to me). when wart and i got together, dev and i weren’t talking, and i never got around to telling him how this happened, only that it did. (if i did tell him, i forgot about it, and that makes it even worse bc he knows this already lmao.) 

it was may sixth. i was fifteen, wart was nineteen. we had been talking for awhile, and sometime in the past week or so, i had talked to my mom about liking this guy who was older than me. she told me about her own relationships with older guys when she was my age, and that so long as he didn’t try anything, she was fine with it. so on that spring day, i confessed my feelings to wart. and y’know the first thing he said to me? “wait a few years.” a logical statement, one i probably should have taken to heart, but i was a fool in love, so i didn’t. i spent the next hour or so convincing wart to go out with me, and he eventually pitied me enough (he’d admit to something along those lines not long after) to agree. neither of us expected this to become an actual relationship, but hey, a year and a half’s not a bad run.

to make a long story short: i asked wart out, not the other way around. i begged him to date me, not the other way around. and this wasn’t some secret relationship. my parents knew from the beginning, and gave it the okay.

i think i addressed everything in that lameass “callout”, but because dev’s The Worst, i know he’s going to pull at threads to try and get his “predator” accusations to stick. i’m going to post this, and devil will immediately reply “but wait!! he is a predator: you said you two slept together!!” and then post the message where i said exactly that, added some details to make it realistic, whatever, but then fail to post the message a few days later where i told him IT WAS A HALF-BAKED STORY.

see, after wart and i broke up, i heard rumors that he and i had been sleeping together when he was up here. i’m gonna shoot those rumors down right now. a) i’m asexual and sex repulsed. i wouldn’t sleep with someone if they paid me. devil and norgie know this, but they chose to ignore it in favor of a juicy story. b) the story i gave them was incredibly inconsistent. to the point where even devil pointed out my inconsistencies, but then conveniently forgot that ever happened, then, when i told him it was bullshit, TRIED TO INSIST IT WAS TRUE. as if he knows better than i do what happened lmao. c) wart and i were never alone for more than a few minutes. my bedroom walls aren’t exactly soundproof. my bed frame is metal, it squeaks whenever i sit on it. so yeah, obviously we got away with having sex. dumbass.

now, when i heard these rumors, i decided to roll with them. what did i have to lose, right? so yeah, i spiced it up, gave devil and norgie some random details to make it realistic, and told them not to tell anyone (which as far as i know, they haven’t, so thanks for not spreading rumors i guess). when devil brought it up to me during his rant about how this callout “needed to happen”, i pretty much laughed in his face and told him it never happened. and then he tried insisting it did and i rolled my eyes so hard i think i gave myself a headache. 

tl;dr: someone started rumors that wart and i slept together, i confirmed them for shits and giggles, but no, it never happened, for all the reasons stated above.

oh, and as for dev’s reason for this vendetta? he’s told wart that it was because he (wart) wrote a character that dev wanted to write. i’m still convinced it’s over a fragile ego. either way, Real Mature, dude.

NOW i think i covered anything. phew, that’s a doozy. as i said, this is the last post i intend to ever make on this hellsite, but i encourage everyone who sees this to reblog it so that we can clear a (mostly) innocent man’s name. did wart hurt me? yes. was it enough to warrant this abuse?? not in the slightest.

my discord is still on my blog if anyone wants it (unless you’re friends with devil, norgie, kirby, or anyone else involved in this. if that’s the case, i’ll see you in hell). as for my legacy on this hellsite, let it be known that i tried to fight the good fight. i hope it’s good enough.

el psy kongroo.

[joseph-joestar-plz-twerk-4-me]

post breakup vent post

i do not understand what happened. i feel like ive been played? we only dated for like 3 months (in a relationship for one) but he initiated everything. he initiated the meeting, he asked me to be in a relationship, he offered up his place to me and told me that he was sad to see me leave whenever i went over. but then he breaks up with me because he ‘doesnt have feelings for me anymore’ which would be valid if he didnt immediately follow with ‘ im just looking to settle down and have kids and youre going to go so far in your career’ when he has told me that he doesnt want to have kids anytime soon and would love to be a stay at home dad and so im really confused as to why he would mention that? he also said he doesnt want to overwhelm me since im in school but we started dating during teh semester and im done next month so ??? im not sure how thats relevant either. hed say such nice things. he wanted to buy a night stand for the side of his bed i usually slept on bc he felt bad that i kept my phone on the floor at night. his friends were really surprised he was seeing someone because he hasnt dated anyone in years and it was saying a lot that he was introducing me to ppl bc that meant he really liked me. hed say that his bed smelled like me and he missed me. im just not sure how you go from that to breaking up with someone in a matter of weeks. im so confused and i dont understand. i feel like his reason was a cop out. he went to an acquantances wedding this weekend and my friends think that that really fucked him up. he also waited until i started my period to break things off which idk if that was intentional but the timing is weird. the timing is fishy for all of it. i thought we were fine two week ago because the last time i saw him he said he wanted to take me out on a proper date soon and i was so excited but its hard to work around our schedules (opposite) but i was willing to change my availbility to do so (and i have. i gave up my favorite shift of the week bc i knew i wouldnt be able to get a weekend day off so i figured a weeknight where i didnt have class would be the best bet. i spent those nights with him). last week he cancelled on me because he ‘didnt think he’d be fun to be around’ since he was still doing work but that doesnt matter to me? i literally just wanted to be in the same space as him. i didnt mind just being productive together. and then he goes to a wedding and breaks up with me two days later. waht??? his birthday is next week too and his friends are flying in. he told me he was excited to introduce me to these friends and wanted to make sure i would have his birthday off work. so why would he break up with me a week before?? i just feel like there is another element that he didnt tell me that led to the break up or that maybe he was playing me all along. it doesnt make sense to me how someone can go from that affectionate and excited to be around me to not wanting to have anything to do with me. im so heartbroken and blindsided and sad because no im not ready for marriage or kids or anything but i was ready to open up and be vulnerable again which is incredibly hard for me to do just around friends let alone a romantic partner, especially given how my past partners have made me feel. i feel silly for crying so much over someone i was dating for 3 months but i was completely unprepared for it when he called me and said he was ending our relationship. i couldnt finish my assignment last night, im hungry but when i try to eat i get nauseous, and i couldnt sleep last night. i just dont understand waht happened. i really liked him and i want to know where it went wrong. i just dont get it. he also broke up with me right after i said i needed to finish my book assignment so i could resume my internship application grind and he asked all day if i was having dnd tonight which was weird and i almost asked why he was asking but decided not to but when i said no he was like ‘free night!’ and then broke up w me less than an hour later. and then i did end up having dnd. but i cancelled last minute bc i cried all last night. lmao.

[thedegenerateasexual]

more let’s talk about love under the cut, chapters 17-26:

chapter 17:

this is fully just a feenie and alice fight and tbh feenie is so in the wrong it’s ridiculous

“[Ryan] thinks we ditched you last night.”

“You did ditch me.” She laughed a little.

“Yeah. Well. Anyway, just call him.”

Alice couldn’t even pretend to be mad. Ryan had to be the sweetest person on the planet and besides, it had all worked out. “So you’re just not going to apologize?” she joked.

“Are you going to apologize?” Feenie shot back.

“For what?”

“For fucking leaving.”

(Ah, there it was.)

(Damn it.)

“Um, well, not to be petty, but you left me first.”

“We went upstairs. You actually left the party. That is not the same thing.” She looked Alice right in the eyes. “I’m not going to apologize for having sex with my boyfriend when you fucking jumped ship the first chance you got because you couldn’t stand being alone for thirty minutes. Miss me with that bullshit.”

WOW

dude she was ASSAULTED and could have been RAPED you do not get to be like that lmao it was unsafe for her to be there alone

so much for feenie being the good egg

chapter 18:

so she’s telling takumi about the fight and feenie and ryan and:

“Tell me about them. What do you like most?”

“Ryan is the literal light of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as considerate and driven as him. He’s all-around amazing. And Feenie, well, she’s my oldest friend and soulmate. Her word, not mine, but I believe it,” Alice said before laughing at a random memory that popped into her head. “When we were little, people used to call us Ebony and Ivory, which is kind of offensive now that I’m thinking about it.”

“But she’s dating Ryan? And you’re okay with that?” The back end of her taco fell onto her plate with a small bit of it landing on her shirt. Takumi passed her some napkins.

“Oh, it’s not like a romantic kind of soulmate,” she said, dabbing her shirt. “Feenie’s pretty hardcore, but she has her sentimental moments. Once she said if reincarnation were real, we’d meet each other in every single life because nothing can keep us apart. We’re meant to be.”

He looked confused. “If you’re soulmates, aren’t you supposed to be in love with each other? That’s how it works.”

“I suppose it could be romantic or whatever, but she has Ryan. They’re meant to be right now, but we’re meant to be forever, if that makes sense.”

He finished chewing before saying, “Not really.”

Oh Boy

omg aw he offered to let her crash at his place for a bit until it blows over

“I never lived with my best friends, but I know what it’s like when they start dating and suddenly, everything feels like them versus you and they’re all you have. You don’t have to slink around feeling terrible. If you need space, I have space.”

She wanted to kiss his cheek.

Kiss. His. Cheek.

alice is so gone. i have only liked someone enough to voluntarily kiss their cheek one (1) time. it’s a rare feeling. i guess she cheek kisses more than i do tho. she platonically cheek-kisses!

hahahahaha and so since he’s babysitting his nieces that evening guess who gets roped into it! i would probably literally kiss a stranger on the cheek before i willingly interacted with their children alone

chapter 19:

while crashed out at takumi’s alice looks at one of his photography albums:

Near the end of the album, it happened: Takumi and the girl kissing.

“Wow, you’re real fond of that whole kissing thing.”

“And you’re not?”

“I don’t dislike kissing.” Alice closed that album and picked another. “I also don’t take pictures of myself while doing it.”

alice u liar u hate kissing

haha look at her fishing around to see if it’s safe tho

“So,” Alice began, drawing out the word, “kissing is important to you?”

“Honestly expressing my feelings is important to me.” He flipped a page. There were several pictures of a bonfire at night. A Southeast-Asian guy with dewy brown skin was wrapped in a red blanket, laughing in one photo. “Sometimes that means kissing. Or spending three days editing photos and videos together for my brother. Or letting a girl I just met stay in my house and look through my pictures because she’s scared to go home.”

i cannot BELIEVE he is being so smooth when she is literally going thru pics of him & his ex...also like How Candid honestly

“I spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out. Like, my feelings and sorting through my thoughts. I don’t think I overthink, but I like to know why things are the way they are for me and why they’re different for someone else.”

“I think everyone does that.”

“No, they don’t. At least, I don’t think they do. Not the way I do it,” she said. “So. Like. If I ask you something and it seems strange, I’m not being weird, I’m trying to understand.”

ACE MOOD like i said it’s a contemplative existence

chapter 20:

aw man alice went back to therapy after all just to talk about feenie and ryan (theyre still not speaking)

it’s not a v long chapter but anyways

chapter 21:

Ryan caved first.

THANK GOD

Feenie took longer to come around. No one mentioned anything, let alone apologized. Her simply consisted of asking Alice if Family Night for that week could be on Thursday. When she had learned Alice had been hiding at Takumi’s, she curiously had nothing to say, no questions to ask, no teasing jokes to make Alice squirm.

yikes

yk tho for real feenie is a really well written character...like alice, you want to like her, but part of you also wonder if the relation has played its course, which is heartbreaking. nice job 10/10

anyway she and ryan are hanging out and takumi called her from a bar for a ride lol he’s hammered 

and ryan like...really really tried to get her to not leave again and she kissed him on the cheek again? and before i was like, aw, cute, how platonic! and now i am Wary of both ryan and feenie. like is he emotionally cheating on feenie with her...is that a thing...i don’t like it

OH SHIT back at his house he’s gotten kind of rambly and:

“If you were dating someone, and you knew they loved you with their whole heart, had absolutely no doubts about it, could you cheat on them?”

Obviously, that question sent her mind into overdrive, connecting all the dots. A roommate who moved out suddenly. A part-time job to cover his rent. Essie telling her he’s single “now.”

Takumi had a someone.

A someone who had, apparently, cheated on him.

hhhhholy shit

“Me personally?” she asked finally. “No. I mean, it’s highly unlikely.”

Cheating on someone was one of those things she was destined to never understand. Choosing to not have sex with someone else didn’t seem like that hard of a concept to grasp, and yet she had comforted more than one person who had been cheated on.

you should NOT have to be ace to understand this shit why are people Like this

So he told her.

All of it.

Everything Alice did and didn’t want to know.

Takumi and his ex-girlfriend and former almost-wife, Rena, had started dating in college when they were nineteen. And it just … worked. They had gone to the same college, lived together for two years, and then earlier this year, she cheated on him. She had always been a social butterfly (his words) and an innocent flirt (her words), but when it came to some guy named Thad (Alice’s words: “Really? That’s his name?”), that innocence fluttered. Except it wasn’t only Thad. She cheated again with someone else. And once more for good measure before they broke up.

They began talking again a few weeks ago, very tentative (his words). Tomorrow night, they were supposed to have dinner to talk about being friends again and possiblyseeing if that could lead somewhere back to being together, but he had seen her kissing some guy downtown earlier. Which was why he was so drunk. He realized that even though she might have missed him (her words), she didn’t really want to be with him anymore (his words).

Y I K E S

ohhh man this is so sweet though like he asked her for relationship advice and she totally fumbled through it because of limited experience but she honest-to-god tried her best

chapter 22:

lol alice’s mom called and is on her ass about being a lawyer again...alice was like gimme 3 weeks to come up w/ a new plan bc i cant deal w/ being a lawyer im proud of her

oh shit it’s feenie backstory time

“Marie called me yesterday.” Marie—Feenie’s mom. “She worked whatever connections she has and had my case for fighting that dude in the bar last year thrown out. Apparently, that gave her the right to interrogate me. She wanted to know when I was going back to school, why I was wasting my life, why I was embarrassing her like this.” Feenie exhaled. “I want to have a family with Ryan because that’s what’s right for me. I don’t get how me wanting to get knocked up and be a housewife affects her. She doesn’t want me to have kids, so she’s never going to see them. Even if I die, she will never see them.”

Alice knew that. She’d known it for years.

In elementary school, when they were told to be doctors and astronauts and firefighters, Feenie stood up and said she wanted to be a mom. Back then, her favorite game had been House. Feenie was always the stay-at-home mom, while Alice was the working mom, and they had seven stuffed-animal children. Feenie did all the cooking, cleaning, and made sure Alice had her newspaper when she got home from work.

She wanted to be everything Marie hadn’t been for her even then.

Their relationship ultimately died when Marie wished Feenie had never been born. She said Feenie ruined all the plans she’d had for herself.

ohhhhh honey ))): okay some of my waryness has abated no wonder she’s like that

oh nevermind feenie immediately bit her head off when she mentioned takumi feenie sucks

chapter 23:

movie night with takumi and alice!! not much to copypasta but this near the end:

She took a deep breath. “I’m not ready to share. I don’t want to tell you.”

It was his turn to fix her hood. (He knew not to touch her hair.) “Okay,” he said. “You don’t ever have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

But part of her did want to. Her secret shouldn’t even have been one—it should have been a nonissue. Why couldn’t being asexual just be accepted?

Why did she have to spend the rest of her life coming out over and over and over…? And once she did, would people always expect her to talk about it? It would always be a huge deal, she would always be subjected to questions, and she would always have to defend herself.

Would it ever stop feeling like A Thing, a barrier, between her and everyone else?

LITERALLY! god what a mood

chapter 24:

also short, but when alice spotted feenie shopping for wedding dresses and offered to come along we had this exchange:

Feenie clicked her tongue. “Sure you can pry yourself away from Takumi long enough to spend time with me?”

Alice sighed and stood up. Feenie didn’t stop her.

ok look 1. feenie was so disappointed they didnt bang and now this?? 2. she gets to ditch alice at the party to be with her BF but alice doesn’t get to date anyone?? wow

chapter 25:

i could have honestly pasted the entire thing because it’s so goddamn cute and i can’t pick a favorite part but the tl;dr is that takumi is sick and alice went over to take care of him and he kept talking about how great she was in a slightly fever-addled way

wait no i can paste my least favorite part:

“Yeah. I haven’t heard from him in two days, but he called in sick on Saturday.”

Ryan twirled the screwdriver between his fingers, focused. “Are you sure he’s actually sick?”

“It’s either that or he’s packing and needed some time off.” Alice shrugged. “He already signed the lease for his new place.”

“Maybe he’s doing something else that doesn’t involve you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ryan’s face was so open, so honest. It always told the truth before he was ready to speak.

(Basically, he couldn’t lie to save his life.)

“I just think it’s funny that you talk to him and see him every day and all of a sudden he disappears and doesn’t tell you why. I mean, you’re guessing he’s sick or packing. You don’t actually know.”

WHY are they being like this with her wow they are HORRIBLE best friends

also, theyre getting married in 6 months vs two years suddenly. feenie moved up the date :/

chapter 26:

ALICE AND FEENIE AND RYAN ARE FINALLY HAVING IT OUT:

“You spend a lot of time with him.”

“You two spend a lot of time together without me.”

“That’s different. We’re engaged.”

“So I’m just supposed to sit around and wait for you both to remember I exist?”

“Of course not, but you shouldn’t edge us out. You’re the one making it as if it has to be him or us.”

“How am I doing that? And why is this all my fault? Why do you two have a Get Out of Ditching Alice pass that I’m supposed to accept because you say so? How is that fair to me?”

“We don’t ditch you,” Ryan said.

“You do. You have for years. I just don’t say anything because I don’t want us to fight, but the second I find an actual friend on my own, you two act like this. Neither of you said anything when I spent time with Margot. Why is Takumi suddenly different?”

shit dude! she’s right! and then feenie enters:

“Maybe we minded then and didn’t say anything either.”

Alice whipped around at the sound of Feenie’s voice. Feenie leaned against the refrigerator, arms crossed.

“Maybe,” she continued, “we were really hurt, but you were too busy being happy to notice. Just like right now.”

An enraged fierceness made the edges of Alice’s vision turn red. She balled her hands into fists. “I wouldn’t even have met Margot if you hadn’t decided to move in with Ryan at the last minute. The millisecond you two started dating, he came first. You started to choose him over me every single time.” She turned that rage on Ryan. “And you have always chosen her over me.” Her phone buzzed. “Takumi’s outside.” She slung her purse strap over her shoulder while marching for the door.

man this is fucking sad i hope they make this better somehow :/

anyway she goes to hang out w/ takumi and 

“You wound me, madam.” He clutched his chest, wincing. “Especially since it’s your fault. It’s hard not to have an ego when you’ve told me you love my beautiful face.”

“Shut it.”

“How beautiful are we talking here? What’s my code?”

She groaned. “Not this again.”

OMG IS SHE GONNA TELL HIM...i’m on the edge of my seat here

“Tell me and I’ll bake you cookies when I’m not sick.”

“What kind of cookies?” she asked, leaning back into his arms. “And you have to use real flour. None of that ultra-buckwheat high-fiber stuff.”

“Oatmeal chocolate chip?”

“Deal.” She stared at the ceiling. “Black. I’d like two dozen cookies, please.”

just shrieked

“Black? I thought the Cutie Code was Green to Red.”

“It is. Was.” The gears and wheels turning inside Alice’s head locked into place as realization sank in. Meeting Takumi had challenged everything she thought she knew about herself, made her work to find out who she was on a fundamental level. He challenged her in the best way possible, wholly unaware of the effect he had on her, pushing her so far out of her comfort zone she had to question everything. She had discovered, no, was still discovering, who she was now, who she wanted to be, what she could and could not handle. He had given her a reason to reconnect with herself.

Feenie had been right—this, he, would always be someone she would want to remember.

“You exceeded my Cutie Code,” she said. “You’re the reason why I retired it. I don’t need it anymore.”

NOOOOO she should keep her cutie code! don’t throw it away fro some boy! even a great boy! it’s too good!

“I need to tell you something.” She took a step back. “Like, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it because I need to tell you this first.”

O H S H I T HERE IT COMES

i know this is probably a happy book and he’ll accept her but i’m still so stressed out

“So you know how some people like jogging?”

“I’m one of those people, so yes.”

“Ah, yeah, okay. That worked out.” Her breathy laugh sounded forced. “So, you see, I am not one of those people. I don’t care about jogging.”

“Mmm…” He squinted at her for a moment. “Somehow, I knew that.”

“Oh, great. Good. This is going well.” Her hands began to shake. She pressed her fingers to her lips to steel herself before continuing. “Now take the word jogging and replace it with sex.”

“You don’t like sex?”

(Wow, he asked that fast.)

“No.” She held up her hand. “No, the correct sentence is I don’t care about sex.” She took a deep breath and held it. “Because I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.”

HTAT’S A GREAT ANALOGY

that’s much better than my “i’m the way gay guys feel about girls and the way gay girls feel about guys all at the same time”

“Huh,” he said, face neutral. “I thought you were bisexual.”

“I am. Minus the sexual.” She waited, watching him process through her answer. She waited for the judgment, the questions, the confusion, the thoughtful concern followed by the inevitable interruptions. Second by second, it dawned on her that she waited in vain because he was waiting for her. “My sexuality is nope.” She laughed with relief because still, second by second, he continued to wait, to listen. So she laughed again, tiny bubbles of happy that floated out of her.

HES LISTENING TO HER I LOVE THIS NOBODY ELSE BOTHERED BUT HE’S LISTENING

“How many people have you told?”

“Explicitly? You’re number four. Feenie, Ryan, and a counselor I’m seeing.”

Takumi started to speak but closed his mouth and stood up straight, focusing on the counter. Each second he didn’t look at her made tiny seeds of dread bloom in the depths of her soul. “That’s why you’re happy,” he mumbled. He nodded as if he couldn’t stop and sighed before looking at her again. His eyes had taken on a glossy, reddened tint.

“Thank you for trusting me. Realizing that, um,” Takumi said, pausing for a moment, “that hit me kind of hard.”

“What do you mean?” Alice asked quietly.

“Four. Obviously, you’ve been keeping this a secret for a reason.”

She hadn’t been thinking about trust when she told him. Ryan and Feenie had been there when she figured it out (thank God). Dr. Burris had to pry it out of her, didn’t he? And she still couldn’t say the word properly to him. Telling Takumi had been a choice—not by chance or out of necessity. It was her decision, completely on her own.

(She trusted him.)

htis fucking book hasnt made me cry in like a dozen chapters and i thought the heavy shit was over but nooooooo

and like lol i keep saying this text is calling me out...not to get personal, Again, but literally u realize stuff about urself when you read shit like this...i always play like i’m so comfortable with everything but the truth is i put ace on my profile and let other people google it and it has nothing to do with me i never see it--i dont think i’ve ever told ANYBODY irl so like...tbh i couldn’t get it out as well as she did i bet like you go alice

“I wasn’t trying to have sex with you the other night,” he said. “And I am so, so sorry if I made you feel that way.”

He was so close and so far away, as if there was an imaginary pane of glass between them. She wanted him to hug her and make the tension go away.

“No, I didn’t think that at all. That’s not why I told you.”

“This should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, partly because I want to, but also because I think you need to hear it. If knowing you’re asexual makes someone see you differently, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. My feelings for you are exactly the same as they were an hour ago. This doesn’t change anything between us.”

HEYYYYYYYYYY YEAH!!!!! i’m so happy for her!!!!!!!!!!!!! if anybody ever said anything like this to me i’d die on the spot!!!!!!!! YOU GO ALICE

gotta break this post here bc it’s getting long again, hopefully i can finish the rest of the book before dawn & in the next one