the great thing about hua cheng’s devotion is I straight up cannot get enough of it. I will reread fics hundreds of times just to hear him describe the sheer depth of the adoration he feels for xie lian. it’s therapeutic to hear about how much love someone can be capable of
These are dark places that you're inhabiting. When, at the end of the day, can you go and have your soup, and be you? How does that sort of, weigh on you?
for days after, months - years, even - you torture yourself over small objects. times where you misspoke or interrupted with a joke when you should have listened. times when you didn't know how to show your support. times when you were louder, brassier, inappropriate for the situation. times when you were too quiet, shy, cold.
fucker. you constantly promise that next-time you'll do better. you will make sure every person you come in contact with leaves smiling. that they'll all feel loved and accepted and held. that you take care. other people do it! other people are actually good people; you're just cruel.
it feels like you are fighting a horrible little beetle. one of those parasites that control ants. one who comes up and wiggles into your brain and makes you a shameful ghost of a person. too spineless to ever be a demon. so what if you were having a bad day? you don't get to stumble. so what if you are overwhelmed? you don't need to make a scene.
all this time on the earth. you are still somehow convinced: the mistakes you make are more important than any other part of you. you still feel like you are wrestling a nature you do not understand; one that coils horribly inside of you. one that seeks to destroy, to undo.
you go home. you replay the moments where you weren't perfect. be better, you scold. do more. you are an accident. a train wreck. something to abhor.
the questions always ringing in your head: why did i do that? why do i slip? why can't i just fucking be normal? what if all i am is just ... this?
when mischa bachinski said "i will lay my masculinity at the altar of your maidenhood" .... kind of going insane tbh. he puts on this tough guy persona but hes genuinely one of the softest characters in this musical
had to make this edit after the newest smosh mouth episode came out. i loved hearing shayne talk about the very real struggle of not “making it” by the time you thought you would. shayne is for the nothing new girlies.