#listen i have had 1 full semester of college almost 6 years ago and i use the internet to teach myself topics every. single. day.

[lepertamar]

college grads are LITERALLY stupider than everyone else on earth in all the ways that matter

[mae-gi-writes]

Deobi Playlist (EP 9) | The Boyz Imagine

Ep 9: in which Mae and Kevin try it out and Hyunjae feels ‘something’. 

The Boyz x Hospital Playlist inspired drabble series.

Main characters: Kevin, Juyeon, Hyunjae and OC (Mae)

Sides: the rest of The Boyz

Genre: fluff, slice of life, BROMANCE BRUH

EP 1 | EP 2 | EP 3 | EP 4 | EP 5 | EP 6 | EP 7 | EP 8 | EP 9 | EP 10 | EP 11

------------

The first thing that Mae spots the moment the door to her office slides open is Kevin's slim frame leaning against the corridor wall. 

She instantly pinks, clearing her throat and biting down to chew on her lower lip so as to stop herself from combusting into a fireball right then and there.

"Hey," she smoothes a self-conscious hand down the side of her head, "what's up?"

It takes everything in her not to turn around and run away as fast as she possibly can when Kevin slowly straightens from his slouch, "nothing. Just thought I'd drop by."

"Ah," she murmurs, "right."

Silence. 

She can't meet his eyes. The awkwardness stuffs up her throat and she swallows it back down in an attempt to keep her head afloat. 

"Listen I--"

"So you--"

Their voices tangle into each other as they share a panicked glance. Great, she thinks sourly to herself, as if this can't get even more awkward than it already is. 

Kevin lets out a short chuckle, "this is awkward."

"No shit."

Despite the nervous knots twisting inside her stomach, Mae can't help but notice how cute it is to see Kevin so flustered because of her. That's definitely not something that would've happened before. 

Or if it did, she wouldn't have noticed. 

"Listen Mae," he starts off slowly, a hand rubbing the back of his neck while he clears his throat, "I really don't know a whole lot about that dating stuff. All I know is that I--I like you, way more than I've ever liked anyone else before. So, uhm--yeah."

He pauses, but her silence keeps him going.

"I mean, would you want to--would you mind if we could--" he exhales shakily then, briefly squeezing his eyes shut before meeting hers, "are you doing anything right now?" 

"Nope," she replies a little too quickly and her cheeks flush a deep red at her eagerness, "I don't mind--sure, that works."

“Okay,” a small smile curves up the corner of his lips. It’s soft and slow, but it’s there and it makes her heart flutter, “I know a place.” 

Turns out that the place in question is none other than the small snack shop which took up most of their fond memories of growing up through high school and college, a place that was not only special to the pair but to their whole group of friends in general. Maybe it had been intentional on Kevin’s part so that Mae wouldn’t feel as awkward about the fact there is definitely something in the air between them, that bringing her to a familiar spot that feels like her second home would make her more at ease. In any case, Mae is more than happy to settle into her usual stool by the window with Kevin opposite her, two vacant seats at their table where Juyeon and Hyunjae would usually join. Even back then, Mae still remembers crawling to this place with Kevin in tow because of her sudden nightly cravings. They’d usually share a plate of noodles and would compete for the biggest beef slice through a competition of rock paper scissors. 

“The usual?” Kevin’s voice brings her out of her small inner monologue. She nods and busies herself with taking out the utensils from the metal can placed in the middle of the table while the young man proceeds to the counter. 

The more they chat about the most trivial things happening at work, the more comfortable Mae feels in her own skin. From shy, side-eyed glances to full on laughing about their past memories filled of drunken nights and turning up late for classes. Kevin tells her about that one time Hyunjae stumbled into pratical chemistry with only his underpants while Mae recounts the story of Juyeon’s little ‘trip’ with the joint that one of their seniors had given them as a gift. Soon enough, the chatter eases off the tension and Mae almost forgets that they are on a date, until Kevin suddenly asks: 

“Since when?”

Her forkful of noodles freezes halfway to her mouth, “Since when what?” she asks, blinking. 

“Since when have you felt this way?” Kevin doesn’t look at her, focusing on grabbing a piece of beef and stuffing it in his mouth. 

The nervousness shoots back up as though it’s never left, but Mae inhales softly, mentally steeling herself for the awkwardness that might follow. It’s okay, she thinks, it’s normal to feel awkward. It’s all new and foreign. And Kevin had been just a friend...until now. 

“Uhm...I guess it was--well, I guess it was when you--when you started dating.” 

“More specifically?” 

She coughs slightly, “Jina.” 

“What? All this time?! That was like--five years ago!” 

“Yeah well,” Mae’s cheeks are practically on fire at this point, “you know what they say, that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I think that’s what happened. With you.” 

“And here I thought I was the one who’s been crushing on you forever.” 

“It’s not a competition.” 

“Oh I know,” he grins, “I suddenly feel a lot better about myself right now though.” 

Mae chucks a napkin at his face with a scowl, “please don’t. It’s not like you were at the forefront of my mind all the time.” 

“You’re right. But you still liked me first.” 

“So?” 

“So,” Kevin has a shit-eating grin on his face, so wide that Mae has the sudden urge to smack it off. He looks so smug at this particular moment that all nervous butterflies initially roaming through her chest suddenly fall flat, “you want to know when I started liking you?” 

“Do I want to know?” 

“Of course you do. It’s an important, eye-opening moment that has led to this,” he gestured between them with his chopsticks as Mae does her best to hide the growing smile that mirrors his expression. 

“Okay,” she leans forward, “go on.” 

“For starters, you were never really my type to begin with--OUCH!” he yelps in mid-explanation when Mae’s hand shoots out to slap his shoulder. He rubs his shoulder while throwing her a puppy-eyed expression, “I’m just telling the truth, woman!”

“That’s not really the right way to showcase your love now, is it?” 

“You didn’t even let me finish. I was going to say that the more we spent time together, you kinda grew on me, and--and that I just really appreciated you helping me out through those late nights.” 

“You mean, when we worked our butts off to get decent B grades?” 

“When I worked my butt off to get a decent B grade. You were fine. You didn’t need to spend as much time as I did. You understood things quickly. Yet, you stayed and helped me.” 

Mae shrugs then, “isn’t that normal?” 

“It’s not only that though,” Kevin continues, voice softening as he allows the memories to flow through him, “it’s all the little things you did, for all of us. Like how you brought Juyeon’s lunch for a whole semester straight because he didn’t have time to cook. Or how you left your notes for Hyunjae when we had the same test the next day, because you knew he needed it the most. Or how you’d always bring over congee -- fair enough it wasn’t the best made congee-- whenever one of us fell sick.” 

“That’s just what friends do,” Mae is quick to protest as her neck prickles with embarrassment, “I don’t think--” 

“That’s exactly why I like you so much,” he blurts out. 

Heart skipping inside her chest, Mae bites the inside of her cheek as she dips her head down so as to avoid his gaze. She isn’t used to all this attention about how she does things, about her behaviour and her actions, but somehow Kevin pointing them all out as though it’s something as rare as a special jewel causes her chest to tighten with part embarrassment and part affection for the said man. 

Hearing someone appreciate all the little things she does, as small as they were, makes her glow with happiness. 

“You--I--You’re not--” she fumbles over her words like a child walking for the first time, “You’re not very smooth.” 

“Oh I know,” Kevin replies with a teasing glint in his eyes, “you want smooth? Hyunjae is smooth.” 

“What happened to you being so embarrassed about your crush that you had to hide?” Mae shoots back in hopes that this will make him falter. 

“Yeah I guess I was embarrassed,” placing his elbow on the table and allowing his head to rest onto his palm, he says, “and teasing you just makes it fun.” 

“Oh shut up, Kevin.” 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” 

“I said shut up.” 

Her face flames when he reaches out and pinches her cheek without warning, “you’re so cute.”

“S-Stop it!” 

-----------

Bam! WHOOSH! KAPOW! 

Hyunjae’s fingers move at lightning speed over his keyboard as he tackles monster after monster appearing before him in the arena. Eyes flitting back and forth and working with a coordination that only experienced gamers would have, he doesn’t even flinch upon feeling the familiar buzz of his phone chiming from his pants’ pocket. 

He tries to ignore it at first, knowing that he’s off for the night shift. That leaves his friends or his mother, and that definitely can wait after the game. 

But the buzzing is insistent and with a strained sight, the GP pauses his game before fishing the device out of his pocket only to notice the name blinking on his phone screen. 

Sarang. 

He debates for a few seconds. Should he call her back? Should he just take it? But he’s really not up for socializing at this time of night. It’s late, and he doesn’t feel like communicating with humans much.

But then, something -- guilt maybe -- wriggles at the back of his mind. He sighs once more, before accepting the call and pressing it to his ear. 

“Yes?” he leans back in his chair, legs extended before him. 

“Hyunjae,” Sarang’s voice echoes at the other end of the line, “What’s up?” 

Hyunjae spares a glance at the computer screen, “nothing. Why?” 

Lies, his mind nudges him. He ignores it.

“You at the hospital right now?” 

“Yeah. Why?” 

“I have tteokbokki for you.” 

He straightens up instantly, “you’re joking!” 

“Nuhuh. Come on out.” 

He doesn’t have to be told twice. He practically bolts out of his office, down the corridor and out of the main doors before his eyes settle upon the figure waiting at the front of the entrance, decked in yoga pants and a sports jacket that gives the illusion that Sarang has just gotten out of a tough workout at the gym. 

She spots him almost instantly, before waving. He jogs over until he’s just a few meters away, “what brings you to this side of the neighbourhood?” he asks, nose already twitching at the scent of fresh tteokbokki seeping from the plastic bag in her hands. 

Sarang offers the bag out to him, “I was trying out a new gym in the same area. So I decided to drop by, see how you were doing.” 

“Aw you’re so sweet. Careful or your mother might really think you’re into me.” 

“What if I am?” 

He blinks, “what?” 

Sarang bursts into laughter, “joking, Hyunjae. Relax.” 

“What’s so bad about me?” the said man huffs, slightly offended that she’d diss him so casually when he prides himself in being quite a catch, if he can say so himself.

Catching the soft smile playing at the corner of her lips, he can’t help but mirror her expression, “nothing bad,” she says, “let’s just say that I crossed you out the moment my mother told me that you were going to be my blind date.” 

“Trust me honey, that’s exactly what I did.” 

“I’m not offended. Why are you?” 

“Do you know how many women want this?” Hyunjae wildly gestures towards his body in a mocking manner, “they’re head over heels for me!” 

“Sure, sure,” she shakes her head with a short chuckle, “do you work late tonight?” 

“Nah. I have a night off.” 

“Cool. Want to share the tteokbokki with me then?” 

“Like--right now?” 

“Why? Are you doing anything important?” 

Hyunjae’s mind flits back to his game for a moment, still unsaved. But he guesses that it can wait, considering that Sarang has come all this way just to deliver this dish. And it would be rude not to share it with her, right? That’s only what he’s doing, he’s only being polite. 

Though his heart tugs slightly at the thought that maybe he genuinely enjoys spending time with her. He brushes it off. Not the time, Hyunjae.

“Nope,” his mouth shoots off a response before his brain can actually process it, “wanna go eat it at the park?” 

Sarang grins, “sure.” 

-----

tagging: @juyeonzz​ @thesingingfae1905​ @gratefulmaria​

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list! 

Also, for all those who have sent me requests, don’t worry I’m working on them! they shall be up soon! <3 

[noona-clock]

Now or Never - Part 2

Genre: College!AU

Pairing: Jae x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: Some mature language

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 | Words: 2,210

You had somehow gone a full week without telling Jae that you were texting Kevin... but when Kevin finally asked you out on a date, you couldn’t hold back your secret any longer. You felt dishonest, first of all, but you were also way too excited to keep it in.

“JAE!” you cried when you saw him waiting for you outside of your apartment complex.

Jae jumped a little, turning to furrow his brow at you.

“Guess what I’m doing on Saturday night!” you continued, your lips stretched into a sparkling smile.

“Playing video games with me,” he replied without hesitation.

“No.”

“Eating dinner with me.”

“No.”

“Going to Taco Bell at one AM with me.”

“No.”

“Rom-com movie marathon with me.”

“Big hint,” you said. “It has nothing to do with you.”

Jae’s brow furrowed even deeper, and he narrowed his eyes at you. “Then... what’s the point?” he asked.

“The point is I’m going on a date!” you squealed, grabbing his arm and jumping up and down a little bit.

“A date?” he repeated, sounding incredibly confused. “What? Who are -- Wait. Please tell me it’s not Coffee Guy.”

You simply beamed at him.

“You texted him back?! Y/N!”

“It’s just one date, what’s the big deal?” you chuckled as you slipped your arm through his and began walking toward the nearest dining hall.

“He waited a month to contact you after getting your number. No decent guy does that!” he cried. “If a guy is into you, he’ll text or call you that same day. Guaranteed.”

You knew you should trust Jae because, after all, he was a guy. He knew what he was talking about. But... you were going on your very first actual date, and you didn’t want to ruin it!

“Maybe he was really busy!”

“There’s no excuse,” Jae retorted, shaking his head.

“What if he left the piece of paper in his pocket and then he forgot it was in there and didn’t do laundry for a month?” you pointed out with raised eyebrows.

Jae opened his mouth to reply... but then he let out a soft sigh. “I mean -- that’s plausible, but --”

“It’s just one date,” you repeated, tugging on his arm. “Let me go on one date with him, and if he seems like a dick, I won’t see him again.”

“Yeah, but he’s probably one of those guys who doesn’t seem like a dick but actually is,” Jae argued.

You nudged him gently, holding yourself back from rolling your eyes. “I think I have better judgment than that.”

“I mean, true,” Jae agreed. “You’re friends with me, so you’re definitely smart.”

A smile tugged at your lips at his words, and you briefly rested your chin on his shoulder. “See? I know what I’m doing! One date. If I don’t like him, that’s it. No more dates. Simple as that!”

...It wasn’t that simple.

Your first date with Kevin had gone extremely well -- better than you’d ever imagined a first date could go. You’d gushed about it to Jae afterward, and he’d reluctantly agreed that maybe he wasn’t a dick and maybe -- highly unlikely but maybe -- there was a good reason why he had waited a month to text you.

So, you had gone on another date with him. And another and another and another, but it wasn’t until you’d been dating for almost six months that you realized... Kevin kind of was a dick. He had a way of blaming you for a lot of things and made himself the Good Guy by forgiving you. You, obviously, didn’t stand for that, so half the time the two of you were together, you were arguing.

But the other half? Kevin was kind of the perfect boyfriend. He brought you flowers and made you dinner and called you beautiful.

So... you stayed. Jae told you many, many, many, many times not to. But you ignored him. You assured him everything was fine. Kevin made you angry sometimes, but he didn’t make you unhappy.

And now it was your Senior year. Your final year at university -- you were almost halfway through at this point. You had Kevin, the boyfriend you’d always wanted, and you had Jae, the best friend you needed. Could things be any better?

...Well. Yeah, probably. Kevin and Jae didn’t necessarily... get along. Jae tried, he really did. And Kevin... kind of tried. But they didn’t particularly like each other, and things would be a lot better if your boyfriend and your best friend liked each other.

Just as Jae had tried to convince you many times to break up with Kevin, Kevin had tried to convince you many times to break up with Jae -- break up your friendship, of course. But you were even more adamant about keeping Jae in your life because, truly, what would you do without him? I mean, you especially needed him around because who else would you vent to about your boyfriend if you didn’t have Jae?! He was always there to listen, and he had finally learned to just listen instead of trying to give advice (advice to dump his ass).

No, you would never not be best friends with Jae, and that was that. Kevin would have to learn how to deal with it -- if he hadn’t already.

And something else Jae was always good for?

It was currently past midnight, and you’d spent the past several hours studying for your final exams for the Fall semester. Dinner had been over five hours ago so your stomach was starting to alert you that the time for food was nigh.

And where else are you going to go this late at night? Who else are you going to text a taco emoji and bell emoji and a question mark emoji to?

Thankfully, Jae read your message immediately, and within twenty minutes, the two of you were sitting in your regular booth at the Taco Bell just outside of campus.

“You’re so wrong,” Jae mumbled, his mouth full of a Dorito taco. “Why does everyone say the Brontosaurus is the best dinosaur when clearly it is the T-Rex?”

“Because T-Rexes are scary!” you cried. “Brontosauruses are so cute and they won’t eat you! You’ve seen Jurassic Park, right?”

Instead of replying verbally, Jae simply shoved the rest of his taco into his mouth. So, you shoved your crunch wrap into your mouth.

As you were chewing, your phone vibrated on the table. Jae watched as you glanced at the screen, picked it up, and began typing with one hand (your other hand holding your crunch wrap, of course).

He unwrapped his second Dorito taco and ate silently as you set your phone down... but then you picked it right back up and typed something else. And, half a minute later, you typed again.

As the seconds ticked by, Jae watched as your facial expression became increasingly annoyed.

Obviously, Kevin was texting you.

“What’s up?” he asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.

He really didn’t want to start another venting session about Kevin -- he’d had quite enough of those over the past year, and quite frankly, he was long past over it.

But... you were still his best friend. And... he was still kind of in love with you. He wanted to be there for you, especially when Kevin wasn’t.

“He’s just being weird,” you murmured with a roll of your eyes. “He doesn’t want me out this late at night.”

“You’re an adult, you can make your own decisions,” Jae replied. “Besides. It’s not like you’re out this late at night alone.”

The look on your face immediately gave away that you not being alone was actually part of the problem.

“Yeah, he’s not happy about that either,” you sighed with more than slight irritation.

“...What do you mean?”

I mean, Jae knew the guy didn’t exactly like him (for some odd reason), but geez.

“He just... would rather me be alone than be with...” You glanced over at him with the most guilty look in your eyes, and it clenched at Jae’s heart.

“Than be with me?” he asked, his brow furrowing deeply. “Is he nuts? He’d rather you be out alone after midnight than be with me?”

“I know, right?!” you cried. You turned your phone over on the table before taking hold of your crunch wrap and biting into it. “He knows that we’re just friends.”

Unfortunately, thought Jae.

“I don’t know,” you continued. “He’s just weird.”

Jae took a casual bite of his taco before asking, “So... are we...?”

“No,” you replied without hesitation. “We’re not doing anything we haven’t done for years. He just needs to get over it.”

“Why is he just bringing it up now?” Jae asked. “You guys have been together for, like, a year.”

You grinned over at Jae, but it wasn’t a happy grin by any means. It was more of a ‘I’ve been hiding something and now you’ve figured it out’ kind of grin.

Jae’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, underneath his shaggy blonde locks. “Oh. So... he’s not just bringing it up now.”

You shook your head in the tiniest possible way.

“How long?”

You sighed.

“Since the beginning?”

You nodded.

“Y/N --”

“He just has to deal!” you repeated. “You’re my best friend, you’re not going anywhere.”

Even though Jae would have preferred to be more than just your best friend, your words still made his heart feel all warm and fuzzy. You weren’t going to let anyone come between you -- not even dickbag Kevin.

“I mean, I was here first,” he pointed out with a slight smirk.

“Exactly! You were here first, and there’s nothing weird going on.”

Jae decided not to ask you what you meant by that.

“Besides,” you continued. “Who would I vent to about him if I didn’t have you?!”

Internally, Jae let out the deepest, longest, heaviest sigh. He absolutely hated that that’s what you brought up -- that that’s why you needed him around. So you could vent to him about your boyfriend.

Externally, he simply avoided your gaze and said, “Yeah. Exactly.”

“So,” you said, obviously wanting to change the subject. “What are you doing for Christmas this year?”

Oh, yeah. Winter Break was right around the corner, wasn’t it? Is that why you were up so late? You were studying for finals?

...Jae should probably get on that.

Anyway.

“Just going home,” he shrugged. “I think my grandparents are staying with us again.”

“Oh my god, I love your grandparents so much,” you gushed, pouting slightly and tilting your head toward your shoulder. “They’re so sweet! I wish I could come and see them.”

“You can,” Jae chuckled. You had visited his family over Winter Break the past two years, and unsurprisingly, both his parents and grandparents absolutely adored you.

You let out a long sigh -- almost like the one Jae had let out in his head when you’d said you needed him for your boyfriend venting sessions.

“I can’t this year. Kevin invited me home with him.”

Oh, shit.

“Damn, that’s serious,” Jae murmured, trying to sound impressed rather than depressed.

You lifted one shoulder into a shrug before taking another bite of your crunch wrap. “I mean, it’s been a year.”

“But, still... Meeting the family. Has he met Hannah and Eugene yet?” he asked, referring to your own parents. Jae, obviously, had met them several times before. Enough times to be on a first-name basis with them -- though, he was pretty sure your parents didn’t know he called them by their first names, but... oh well.

“No,” you replied with a soft chuckle. “Not yet. And they’re pretty pissed that I’m not coming home.”

“Wait, what? You’re spending the whole break with Kevin’s family?” Jae spat out.

“Well, yeah!”

“You’re not doing, like, a half-and-half situation?”

“...No.”

“Bro, that’s not right! You need to see Hannah and Eugene for Christmas!”

You need to see me for Christmas!

“Well! I’m sorry! He wanted me to stay the whole time!” you explained, though Jae could have sworn he heard a twinge of guilt in your voice. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Say ‘no,’“ Jae replied immediately.

“All right, well, I’m full,” you said with a little sigh as you began to gather up your trash.

Nice change of subject. 🙄

And Jae wasn’t quite dumb enough to ignore it and insist that you get Kevin to change his plans.

“Yeah, me too,” he mumbled, throwing his wrappers onto your tray. “You got more studying to do?”

“Probably,” you laughed. “But I’m gonna call it a night.”

“Going to sleep on a Taco Bell stomach? Good luck,” Jae teased. And he was teasing, but he also said that because he was hoping...

You raised your eyebrows and shot Jae a curious look. “You wanna game?”

Bingo.

“Hell yeah, man,” he replied with a grin. “We still need that MarioKart rematch.”

“Why even bother? You know I’m going to beat you,” you scoffed. “I always --”

“You do not! You’re such a liar, bro!”

And, just like that, it was back to normal. It was as if Kevin didn’t even exist.

Ha! If only!

Part 3

[robinsnest2111]

indirectly tagged by @lampmeeting

it's not part of the original thing but I'm gonna add a silly little self portrait as well~

Questions to get to know you a little better:

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise? Robin or any kind of nickname related to that you can come up with lol Some of my favourites are Rob and Robble

2. When is your birthday? November 21st

3. Where do you live? A little town in Niedersachsen (Lower Saxony), Germany. Known for being the summer residence of a royal bloodline some 200 years ago. Yes there's a castle :P

4. Three things I am doing right now? Trying to forget the nightmare I just woke up from, thinking about getting a few more clementines from the kitchen and fininishing a little sketch I started yesterday

5. Four fandoms that have piqued my interest: Metalocalypse (ofc), Hogan's Heroes, Ghost BC, What We Do In The Shadows. Those are the main 4 at the moment but there's always a chance for other fandoms to take over for a bit.

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? ....yeah. Not so great. My grandma died suddenly at the start of the pandemic, I had to leave my internship I was super happy at early because of lockdown, finished my last semester at college with horrible online classes, had to move back in with my parents, cut contact with someone I've known almost all my life, barely passed my finals, still on the hunt for a job (started applying to places in September) and am close to losing it any day now lol Also pandemic means no flea markets which was one of the few things keeping my brain happy and occupied while giving me a chance to ride my bike around the region for hours :^(((((

7. Song(s) I can’t stop listening to: Sadly no particular song coming to mind right now, but I've had Ghost's entire discography and Dethalbum I, II, and III on rotation for months now lol. This Toss A Coin To Your Witcher Remix has also been stuck in my head for a while and is always worth a listen (Also have some silly techno/hardstyle remixes stuck in my brain permanently because I listened to them as background noise while trying to make my final college projects somewhat decent. Terence Hill & Bud Spencer - Lalalalalala, Da Tweekaz - Jägermeister, Star Wars Hardstyle, DJ Ötzi - Anton aus Tirol, Das Leben des Brian - Schwanzus Longus)

8. Recommend a movie: The Road to El Dorado by Dreamworks, a children's movie, I know... Each song is an absolute banger tho (even the German versions!), the jokes are silly but fun, the queer/gay hints add that little spice that I subconsciously picked up on and felt comforted by as a kid and the design of the everything is just (chef's kiss) Also the chemistry between the 4 main characters is gud as heck. It's the childhood movie I latched on to the most, my mother had to rent the dvd almost every single day until I bought a copy myself lol

9. How old are you? 24 orz I don't feel like it at all...

10. School, university, occupation? Finished college in August, unemployed because no one wants to hire in the creative field during a worldwide plague :^)

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? As long as it's under 35°C I prefer heat. My hands and feet are icicles 95% of the time after losing weight :^(

12. Name one fact others may not know about you? Since I'm an expert oversharer you probably know almost everything about me already orz But uhhh. Lemme see... I learned how to operate a laundry machine at the ripe old age of 20 at my internship at a hair salon lmao My mother never had the nerve to show me how on the modern machine we have at home (along the lines of "you will fuck it up anyways so let me do it >:^(((" which is an overarching theme in her raising me lol), but the older machine with the simpler dials at the salon was a good start to learn and honestly one of the things at this internship I'm still super grateful for...

13. Are you shy? Oh hell yeah I am... It's all the years of getting only negative feedback for trying to interact with others lol

14. Preferred pronouns: He/Him mostly, still figuring out if I still like they/them or nah (since in German there are no neutral pronouns that aren't neopronouns I've automatically gotten more attached to he/him lol)

15. Biggest pet peeves: I feel so mean for admitting it but honestly: Any noises my parents make. If I'm having a particularly bad low brain energy day even hearing them breathe makes me wanna run away and scream in anger... (Doesn't irk me with anyone else tho, which is weird...)

16. What is your favorite "dere" type? Oh there's more than 4 types now?? I've always liked Kuudere types the most out of the original 4 types, but I guess Shundere and Utsudere are right up my alley too!!!

The Kuudere (クーデレ), sometimes written Coodere or Kūdere, type refers to a character who is often cold, blunt, and cynical. They may seem very emotionless on the outside, but on the inside they’re very caring — at least when it comes to the ones they love.

The Shundere (しゅんデレ) type refers to characters who are sad and very depressed. While a full smile on their face might be out of the question, their love interest can help them open up and feel accepted.

The Utsudere (うつデレ) type refers to a character who is often sad and depressed. There is a reason for the character’s despair such as being bullied at school. Even if their life improves, they are often wary of other characters’ motives.

17. Rate your life 1-10? Maybe a 4? 4.5 at max

18. What is your main blog? The one I'm posting this on lol

19. List all your side blogs and what they’re for:

yorkiesart - old as hell and inactive artblog

bleedingheartbird - very triggering and depressing vent blog :^(

yorkie2111 - my very first username, a sea and ocean themed aesthetic blog now mostly for when I miss Denmark a whole lot (kinda inactive)

robinsartnest - a second attempt at a separate art blog, inactive as well lol

20. Is there anything people should know before becoming friends with you? I'm a clusterfuck of several undiagnosed mental illnesses and probably other conditions that I'm trying to figure out and deal with on my own until I can get professional help and some diagnoses. At times I'm weird and distant and overall very depressed and unpleasant, I've already hurt so many people this way and am trying to be better every single day. Basically I've never been given the "How to properly Human" manual and am frantically trying to get it right without hurting too many innocent people in the process.

Anyway, if you are nice to me I will love you forever ♡♡♡ :'3c

idk who to tag so if you wanna do this, do it~

[pinkyshy101]

So I got bored and decided to type out a list of the cartoons/tv shows I’ve watched, cause why not! I think this is all I’ve watched, or at least recent enough (I’m thinking like…. 2014/15 onward, when I actively started to watch more cartoons)

It’s kinda long, and I’m kinda rambley, so I’ll put it under a keep reading thing (if I can) so you don’t have to scroll through that if you don’t want to. Idk who will actually read this, but hey maybe it’s an idea of what kind of things I might reblog on here! I’m always taking any suggestions for shows to watch, I love learning about and watching more and more cartoons! So if there’s something I didn’t list as something I watched and you think of be interested, feel free to please recommend it! I may update this with a reblog or an edit or something at some point in the future, idk though. For now, its September 19, 2020, and here’s what I got for ya

This ended up way more rambley than I meant for it to be but I started writing it at maybe 12:30ish am and now its almost 2am when I’m getting ready to post it so oops 👀 I’m not really expecting anyone to read this but hey, it’s something! Read if you wanna know what shows and other stuff I watched lol idc

Cartoons I’ve watched in their entirety (or what’s all aired as of today 9/19/20):

(updated 12/2/20 as starting with ATLA)

Gravity Falls - watched since late 2014

Steven Universe (including the movie and Future) - watched since mid June 2015, right before the second stevenbomb/sworn to the sword (early season 2)

Over The Garden Wall - watched back around when it first came out, can’t remember exactly when but sometime in 2015

Star vs The Forces of Evil - watched the first 2 seasons as they aired, then stopped watching for a while and rewatched the whole show in June 2019

Hilda - watched for the first time in I think October 2018, rewatched in May quarantine

She-ra and the Princesses of Power - watched all 5 seasons about/not even a week after season 5 came out, idk why I waited so long to watch it

The Owl House - started watching it after the grom episode aired, idk why I waited so long to watch it but molly and noelle and everyone was screaming about grom on twitter, so of course I had to watch it then

Kipo and The Age of Wonderbeasts - watched it all in early August, right before I watched The Owl House

Infinity Train - watched the pilot back in 2016, then the first season when it came out, but then I started college and didn’t get the chance to watch the 2nd/3rd season until I decided to watch the whole series (s1 again, 2/3 for the first time) this past week

Ouran High School Host Club - ok I know it’s anime not a cartoon and I can’t see myself reblogging anything from it but it’s literally the only anime I’ve watched more than like 1 or 2 episodes of/the only one I’ve seen in its entirety so I figured eh I’ll mention it

Camp Camp - I almost forgot to mention this one! I started watching it when there was I think only 3 episodes of season 1, so back in 2016, and I’ve loved it since then! I guess this summer’s season couldn’t happen cause of covid.... But I’m still excited for when/if it does eventually come out!

Avatar the Last Airbender

Shows that I’ve partially watched but not completely:

We Bare Bears - I’ve seen the first 2 seasons, maybe some of the third I can’t remember, I watched it when it first came out but I haven’t watched it in a while, so I would probably need to rewatch a bunch of it (I did rewatch I think the first season sometime this year? But it was while working on school projects so I wasn’t giving it my full attention), apparently there’s also a movie now???

My Little Pony Friendship is Magic - I was huge into the brony fandom from roughly 2013ish-2017ish, I’ve seen up to season 8 and a few episodes of season 9, and the 4 equestria girls movies, and the mlp movie; I probably know seasons 1 - 4 the most, maybe a little of 5, 6 and 7 are kinda fuzzy but I’ve seen them, 8 I watched over quarantine (since it’d been a few years since I had watched any of it, I also rewatched bits of 5-7) as well as I think the first episode or so of season 9, but I don’t remember them too well. I watched the movie (the pony one, not eqg) when it came out in theaters, and not too long after that I drifted away from the mlp fandom (tbh I was drifting a little bit before it came out, but I knew I had to stick in there at least until it came out since I had been waiting for so long for it). The equestria girls movies, I saw them all when they first came out (I even saw rainbow rocks in the theater). I think there’s like, half hour shorts or episodes or something?? That’s in the eqg universe?? But I don’t think I’ve seen any of them, and if I have it was probably a really early one a long time ago because I haven’t really kept up with anything after Legend of Everfree came out

Animaniacs reboot - I’ve seen the first 5 episodes and it’s nice!

Shows that I’ve only seen an episode or few of that I (probably) intend on continuing to watch:

Glitch Techs - I saw the first episode! Definitely want to continue it

Rick and Morty - I watched a few episodes of the first season in like March/April quarantine, but I was still dealing with online school at home finishing out last semester then. I think I want to watch this eventually, but I have other shows that I want to catch up on/watch before I’d get to this one

Tangled the Series - idk if that’s the name I’ve seen multiple names but I hope you know what I’m talking about, I saw a handful of episodes from the first season I think sometime around fall 2019, but I’d probably have to rewatch the whole thing

Adventure Time - I’ve never had cable/cartoon network so I didn’t watch this growing up, but I’ve heard really good things about it and seen a bunch of stuff from it (I’d have to be living under a rock to have not seen anything lol) but it’s so long and I just haven’t gotten around to it yet! Well I’ve seen maybe a dozen or so episodes of the first season but it was a while ago so I’d have/want to start over probably

Shows I haven’t started

Amphibia - I’ve heard it’s good! I just haven’t gotten around to it yet

Avatar the Last Airbender - probably next on my list to watch, I’ve been meaning to watch it for years but I haven’t yet, its on Netflix now so that should make it easier to watch and a friend from school made me promise that this would be the next one I’d watch so that’s what I’m doing (I did watch the last 2 seasons of infinity train that night though, since I was really wanting to finish it first… But atla is next) watched it! (updated 12/2/20)

The Legend of Korra - obviously I’m waiting to watch it until after alta, and I’m probably going to watch it right after I finish atla

The Dragon Prince - idk really anything about it other than I think it’s on netflix? and apparently it’s good and maybe gay idk but I’ve heard it’s good thus why it’s on here lol

Black Horseman - idk too too much about this other than apparently it’s good but also kinda depressing. Similarly to rick and morty I want to watch it eventually but its not insanely high on my list

OK KO - don’t know a ton about it other than it’s decent, a step up from r+m/bojack on where I want to watch it but not urgently

Ducktales Reboot - similarly to OK KO, don’t know much about it other than it’s decent, same level of want to watch

Milo Murphy’s Law - saw a couple episodes when it came out, haven’t watched it in forever so if I ever do want to rewatch it I’d have to restart it, not super high on my priority list though

Bee and Puppycat - another one I almost forgot! I don’t know a ton about this but I’ve heard its nice! Plus from what I’ve seen I like the artstyle so  👀 maybe someday

Animaniacs (original) - I started to watch the reboot and I think I want to watch the original eventually! Just haven’t gotten around to it yet

Clone High - listen it’s not that I desperately WANT to watch this, I just have friends who are like, hey, watch this lol it’s apparently not super long so why not

Other non cartoon shows I’ve watched:

Brooklyn 99 - idk when I started watching it, maybe around season 4/5ish? I think sometime in 2018 so idk the season, idk, most of the episodes I’ve only seen once so I couldn’t tell you exactly what happens in every episode but I still like it

Rise - ugh I miss this show, I started watching it after/around when the 3rd episode came out (end of March 2018?), and I don’t think I’ve watched any of it since it ended (mid may 2018) cause its not on any streaming services anymore :/ at least not that I know of but I loved it and would love to rewatch it

Andi Mack - I’d heard it was good but hadn’t watched it after it ended (early august 2019 I think I watched it), haven’t rewatched it since then but it was decent, I mainly watched it cause I had seen clips of gay but yknow it was alright

Sex Education - watched 1st season sometime in 2019, when rewatched it/watched season 2 when it came out January 2020, this is like WAY more mature than like anything on this list but like it has an interesting story

Love Victor - watched first/currently only season when it came out mid june 2017 (how was June so long ago what)

Queer Eye - I’ve seen a couple seasons of it idk I figured why not add it lol

Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist - I think I watched this around when there were maybe a few episodes of season 1 left (well there’s only one season now but still), idk I liked it cause like musicals and stuff idk

Idk what else to add to this section but if I think of anything (to any category on this list) I’ll probably update it later maybe idk (again I’m not necessarily going to be reblogging stuff from all/any of these but like, I figured I’d mention it cause idk)

Musicals:

Another thing I love is musicals, like I’m a design/tech major in college rn so yeah I like theatre lol so I’m going to list some I’ve seen (mostly watched bootlegs of, but I’ll list some professional/tour ones I’ve seen in person)(but if it doesn’t say anything special I probably just watched a bootleg, 2017 was a big year for me and my google drive being filled with bootlegs…) This might not be all of them and I won’t go into as much detail (I hope, I haven’t typed it yet) but we’ll see:

Broadway tours I’ve seen: (I swear this isn’t bragging they were cheap seats way up high lol)

Dear Evan Hansen (May 2019)

Wicked (first professional show I saw, October 2017, haven’t watched a bootleg or anything of it since then and I went in completely blind)

Mean Girls (November 2019, last professional show I saw before quarantine)

Come From Away (September 2019)

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (November 2018)

The Book of Mormon (August 2018, was hoping to again this August but quarantine :( )

Non professional/high school/college/other shows I’ve seen in person/been on crew for (not all of them, but some) (assume I’ve also seen bootlegs/proshots if there are any)

Newsies

Spring Awakening (spot op)

Shrek (props)

Legally Blonde

I’ve seen done way more but I don’t feel like listing them or that they’re anything I’d want go reblog/actively look at fandom content for (that’s not saying it reblog stuff from shrek the musical but still lol)

Other shows I’ve seen only in proshot/bootleg form:

Basically every Starkid show

Spies are Forever

The Solve it Squad

Hamilton

Heathers

Be More Chill (yes I was in that big amalgamation of musical fandom stuff with these and deh in 2017 aaaa)

Falsettos

Beetlejuice

Spongebob

21 Chump Street

Les Mis

Phantom

(Again maybe not necessarily all but some there’s a slight chance I might reblog things about)

Musicals I still need/want to watch/listen to:

The Prom

Six

The Great Comet (not typing it all out)

Hadestown

Waitress

Bonnie and Clyde

Something Rotten

Tuck Everlasting

Again there’s more I want to see I’m sure but I haven’t really watched bootlegs in a while…. Idk feel free to suggest shows tho

Movies I’ve seen/like: obviously I’m not gonna just every single movie I’ve seen but heres a few I like:

The Sound of Music

The Wizard of Oz - these 2 have actually always been my favorite movies since I was little, I can’t dee myself reblogging much of anything about them but figured I’d mention them cause why not

Love Simon

Some but not all Disney movies (I grew up with no cable/mostly just pbs)

Most pixar movies?

I don’t think John Mulaney shows count as movies but eh whatever I’ve seen them on netflix

Idk what else lol I know I’ve seen more movies than this but eh

If anyone actually read all of this... Wow I’m surprised honestly lol have a free cookie or something for your struggles or smth, idk, thanks for reading this though lol I appreciate you (but also slightly worry, this was a lot of words and a lot of rambling)

[topimagines]

Tip Toes

Summary: I’m on my tip toes, trying to see past my ego. Reaching for something more than this feeling of being important. Leaving my heart behind is bleeding, but my pride is screaming. My future will listen to me, listen to me.

Warning: I wanted to write angst, but this came out. IDK how to label it. Listen to tip toes by half alive while reading. issa long one

Y/n had not dated much. Actually, she did not start looking for a relationship until her freshman year of college. By then there weren’t many people she talked to and considered a friend; therefore, the idea of dating someone, being close to someone that was not her friend, did not pique her interest. Around the time she met Brendon and Sarah, she had lost all hope in a romantic relationship. It almost seemed too good to be true, a truly happy relationship seemed unattainable.

This feeling came in waves, making her feel nauseous like she was on a boat in a hurricane. It became truly difficult to accept a happy reality that ended in kids of her own and a husband or wife, but she knew it was just about impossible. Her best friends were a married couple and a gay man (who was also in a happy relationship), they always rooted for her. But they didn’t understand, she was a twenty-something-year-old who had no idea how to even kiss someone. Everyone always told her (especially her friends) that it was admirable that she held out for so long like she was waiting for the right person or something.

In other words, y/n would describe herself as the biggest virgin on earth, and it genuinely was from a lack of trying.

It almost felt as if her own future didn’t belong to her.

Some days were better than others, just like the day Sarah asked her to come to hang out at her house. y/n had just gotten done with finals, so she had basically a month of sitting around and waiting for the Spring semester to finally start. Sarah and Brendon cuddled on the couch, y/n on the chair in the corner of the room actually watching the movie and trying to not pay attention to the couple that was no doubt finger banging each other under the blanket they shared.

“I think I should go,” y/n said, “I have to work in the morning so I can’t stay up too late.” She stretched her arms and legs when she got up from the chair. Sarah seemed to be frightened out of a daze when she looked up at her friend.

“Oh, okay!” Sarah chirped, pushing Brendon away from her, “Do you want me to walk you out?”

y/n shook her head, “no thanks, I’m fine.”

“Well… I’ll see you later?” Sarah asked. Y/n didn’t really want to. It wasn’t that she didn’t like hanging out with them, they always made her feel lonely. And sad. But mostly lonely.

“I don’t know, I have a busy week at the hospital; I will text you when I get time,” y/n said before bidding the couple goodbye and leaving the house.

Sarah looked at her husband, who had gotten entranced by the movie in the five minutes since he was trying to sneak his hand into her pants. “You are such an idiot.”

“What did I do?”

-

Y/n got home that night very confused about her feelings. Her brain was spiraling out of control with delusions of being married and having someone who would dote on her the same way Brendon did Sarah. At the same time, she never really paid attention to them behind the scenes, so maybe they’re dysfunctional and she never saw it.

That didn’t make sense, if she knew one thing about the couple, it was that they talked about everything. And Sarah told her everything, every fight they had, Sarah would go to y/n’s apartment and sit until Brendon sulked his way over.

Every time she thought about the couple, she got a weird sensation of butterflies in her stomach.

No, she thought, I am not developing a stupid crush just because I’m sad and lonely.

That night she couldn’t sleep; it didn’t help that she knew she did have work in the morning and the hospital was unforgiving when the lab techs were late. By the time she finally stopped swimming in her thoughts, she had dreams of her friends, holding her hand and kissing her on the forehead.

It was 6 AM before she knew it, and she had to get up and get ready for work.

Hopefully, tea would help wake her up before she got to work and did a piss poor job.

-

Y/n had never been more appreciative of the hospital. She had fond memories of staying there, almost dying, meeting so many different doctors that she just didn’t have it in her to leave.

Sarcasm, that was the key to understanding her outlook on life. Constant use of sarcasm.

But she would be lying if she said that today, and every day for the past week, she was so glad they had a week full of emergencies and a trip planned for a conference with Lab Technologists across the country. This trip would take her to Boston and all she could think of was the idea of seeing every museum she could for one full week and going to a conference full of people who had a thorough understanding of microbiology and hematology. It was almost enough to make her come in her jeans.

What she did not appreciate, was Brendon coming to visit her while she was supposed to be working. She had just gotten a lab sample to test for any drug she could when Brendon waltzed in with In N Out in his hand. He greeted her with a hug and handed her the bag.

“Sarah is at work,” he sighed, “she doesn’t get a lunch today because she’s busy or something, so I thought I’d visit my bestie.” She was too distracted to notice what he was saying. Brendon tried to call her name, the third time she snapped.

“What do you want?” she half yelled, looking away from her specimen.

Brendon looked taken aback; he didn’t even know how to reply when he has never seen her so angry before. Her coworker, a younger man by the name of Jeremy Ren, looked up from his microscope and stepped over to her area.

“L/n, you go take your lunch break, I’ll take care of this shotgun,” he took the test tubes and brought them back to his microscope with him, still eyeing the two.

She scoffed and stomped out, ditching her lab coat at the door. She led Brendon to the hospital cafeteria and sat down with him in the corner.

“What’s wrong? You usually aren’t so…” Brendon trailed off, “Are you still being overworked? Have you talked to your boss about time off?”

Y/n shook her head, “I’m just… fine, I’m fine.” Internally, she cringed. If she talked to him about it, maybe she could resolve the war she had inevitably put herself into.

But the idea of not telling him anything was far more appealing. Nothing had to change.

“Are you sure? You look tired, have you been sleeping?” He reached over and grabbed her hand, tracing his thumb over her knuckles.

God, Brendon, she thought, Stop being so caring, it’s not helping my situation. She pulled her hand away and tucked it under her pants. This couldn’t happen. She did everything she could to give herself a reason not to develop a stupid crush on the man in front of her. She could only come up with two.

1.       He’s married to her best friend

2.       He definitely wouldn’t see her the same way

Number two made her heart bleed. Not literally, she knew the severity of an actual bleeding heart, she worked in a hospital for Christ’s sake. But if she were to imagine the pain, this would be it.

“I’m just… excited for this trip to Boston next week,” she confessed. It wasn’t a lie by any means, she stayed up all night a month ago when she heard she was going on the trip, planning what she wanted to pack. This didn’t change the stare he had on the table where her hand used to be, and his hand still sat.

“Oh, that is coming up, isn’t it?” he put a smile on his face, trying to quickly recover from whatever feeling he felt. “I’m sorry, I’m a bit off today. We haven’t seen you all week, we miss you at the house.”

She frowned. There was an impulsive need in her to put her hand back and comfort him. But she knew she shouldn’t do it because she knew it would only make her feel worse.

“I’ve been busy with work, had a lot of emergencies and stuff,” she explained, “I’m free this weekend, I’ll try to come over before I leave for the airport on Sunday.” That was not what she wanted to say, why did she say that?

“Sounds like a plan!” he seemed happy with that suggestion though, so maybe she didn’t have anything to worry about.  “How has your week been, then? What kinda emergencies did you get?”

She and Brendon talked for a while, she told him about the guy who came in with necrotic tissue on his arm from heroin, and he told her about his charity live stream and how proud he was of everyone who donated.

Watching him so happy as he explained what happened, she felt herself swooning. They sat in silence for a few moments after he finished speaking, both focused on eating their food. One of the surgical nurses walked passed them with a smile on her face.

“Y/n, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!” Brendon smirked and opened his mouth to explain that they weren’t a couple, but the nurse continued on, “you’re always going on about how lonely you are! It’s nice to see you’re finally getting out there.” Y/n’s eyes were wide, and a blush crept across her cheeks.

“Uh… thank you, Andrea,” she said with a shaky voice.

“So proud of you, my dear,” Andrea smiled brightly t the two before she walked away, bidding them goodbye.

“You’re lonely?” Brendon asked when Andrea was out of earshot.

y/n couldn’t speak as she stared at her fries, the only response she gave was a small nod.

“Why are you lonely? You never date… or expressed a desire… to date.” Damn you, Sarah, she thought, that was supposed to be a secret.

“well… lately, it’s been a bit different,” she sighed, “I’m almost 30, I’ve never been on a real date or…. Done anything, really. I thought I’d at least have a boyfriend by now.” That was easier to get off her chest than she thought.

“You’ve never done anything? Not even like… a kiss?” Brendon knew he was badgering her now, but this was so unbelievable to him. She was so smart and beautiful; how could anyone look passed her?

She shook her head, eyes still on the fries that were no longer steamy, “Can we drop it please?”

Brendon took in the shakiness to her tone and decided to drop it like she asked. This topic would definitely come up later with Sarah, though. He had so many more questions.

When they parted ways after lunch, Brendon couldn’t hold back a smile as he leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. She blushed harder than she had at lunch when she said bye to him. No one, besides her parents and grandparents, had ever kissed her on the cheek.

She kind of liked it.

-

Sarah told Brendon everything he wanted to know. She didn’t know why, at first, but he explained what happened during lunch.

“But you can’t badger her or make her feel bad,” Sarah emphasized, “She always felt self-conscious about it, even after we became friends.” Brendon understood, even though he never had to deal with stuff like that. He had lost his virginity early on, and everything just came naturally after that.

“I would never.”

-

“So, what’s with you never dating anyone?” He had promised not to pry, but now it was late at night in y/n’s apartment and he had more than a few drinks in his system. Sue him, he wanted to hang out and she brought out the wine.

“I just… don’t do it?” y/n had a few drinks in her too, the wine was making her feel like being truthful. If she were sober, she wouldn’t be telling hi anything, but maybe she needed to get it off her chest? Drunk y/n thought so, anyway. “I didn’t get my first boyfriend until my freshman year of college, and before that, I only had minor flings with girls from my school. I don’t know, dating always makes me anxious.”

“And you’ve never done anything?” He knew her answer already. This was beginning to get repetitive and even drunk y/n was fed up with it.

“Why do you keep asking that?”

“Because it’s… it’s so rare! You’re like a unicorn!” he laughed at his comparison. She shook her head, she felt kind of offended, but she knew what he was saying. He hadn’t meant it to be an insult at all, he was kind of proud of her, even with pressures that a woman date and be married by her age, she didn’t feel that. She was unabashedly herself.

He didn’t know what came over him when he opened his mouth next, “I mean, I can always help you.”

y/n looked into his eyes, and she swore that if she were a meme, she would have question marks floating around her head. “What?”

“I mean if you ever want your first kiss… or something else… I can always help you,” he didn’t know why he was saying it, but he couldn’t help but offer. The offer was outlandish, yes, but he knew Sarah would be alright with it. She had mentioned before how much she liked y/n, in a more than platonic way.

Before this whole topic came up, Brendon was planning on asking her to be their third, if she wanted to be. However, she told him she hadn’t dated someone very seriously.

“But… wh- h- Sarah?” y/n was blushing, her face and ears were bright red. This was not how she expected this to go.

“She would want to do the same thing, she has a thing for you,” drunk Brendon was an honest Brendon, apparently, “was gonna ask you if you wanted to go on a date with us the other day but obviously I didn’t.”

Y/n didn’t know what to say. Like, of course, he had to do this when she was drunk and couldn’t very well keep her thoughts to herself.

“Um…. Are you asking me now if I want to go on a date with you and Sarah?” y/n asked.

“Well, that wasn’t my first question,” Brendon leaned closer, and cupped her face with his left hand, “Tell me to stop if you want me to stop.” He continued leaning in, slowly but surely. He waited for her to protest; when she didn’t say anything, he finally connected their lips. If he were to compare all of his other kisses to the one right then, she wouldn’t be the worst. She was inexperienced, but her lips were soft and tasted like peppermint from her seasonal chapstick.

When she pulled away, he almost chased after her.

For the rest of the night, he explained the logistics of kissing, and eventually, they both fell asleep on the couch after he went on the the longest tangent on what kind of guitar he would get now that his “cream dream" was gone.

-

She left for Boston after saying goodbye to Brendon or Sarah. She had also talked to Robert (her other best friend) the day before the trip; he yelled at her for not telling him right away about everything that had been happening. To be genuinely honest, she needed this vacation after her night with Brendon.

It was a relief when Brendon left in the morning after they had kissed. The memory of her first kiss still burned in the back of her mind, but she didn’t want to focus on that. Right now, it was her time to relax.

That was until Brendon texted her asking what hotel she was at. She told him, just assuming he wanted to make sure she got there safe. Why would she think anything else?

She should have thought of something else. Now she was sitting in her room, scrolling through the TV when she heard the knock at the door.

He didn’t, she thought, please tell me he didn’t.

She opened the door and saw the couple standing in front of her with giant smiles on their faces.

He did.

“what are you doing here?” she said instead of greeting them.

Sarah let herself in, “we wanted to surprise you! You’ve wanted this vacation for a while, and we thought you’d want company!”

She really didn’t want company, but she put a smile on her face anyway.

-

After spending the whole week with Brendon and Sarah, y/n was exhausted. She only got a real break from the two when she was at the conference. They had both wished her luck that morning and went back to giggling under the blankets of their shared bed.

Now she was back in Los Angeles, and she was so fucking happy to go back to normal.

However, they didn’t necessarily go back to normal. Brendon spent a lot more time at her apartment than he used to. He started to initiate cuddling, press kisses to her cheek and hairline, and hugging her more than he used to. She started to see more of Sarah, as well. She did it more subtly. She bought y/n drinks and take her to fancy restaurants, surprises her with jewelry and takes her shopping, anything really.

All y/n wanted was for one of them to say something.

And when she least expected it, Brendon did.

“Have you ever wanted to lose your virginity?” Brendon asked during a movie one day. y/n shrugged, she couldn’t say she was surprised, she knew he would ask eventually.

“I guess,” she sighed, “its just not something I really let myself think about. I never thought anyone would… y’ know, want to. And I’m 28, no one wants to date a virgin at my age.”

“Don’t say that,” he took her hand in his. Recently, it had been his sign of comfort to lace his fingers with hers and rub his thumb along the back, “I already told you, me and Sarah love you…”

y/n couldn’t look up at him, she only stared at her fingers. She didn’t say anything, either.

“you never answered, you know,” he whispered, “let us take you on one date. A fancy restaurant, or a movie, whatever makes you least anxious.”

y/n shook her head. The feeling of drowning, even before saying yes, was obvious. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and had to remind herself how to focus on the feeling of his hand in hers.

“or, we can keep it low key, not label it… just the three of us?”

“um… okay..” y/n thought, “no labeling, just… just us. Let’s go see the new Jumanji.”

“That sounds perfect,” Brendon smiled down at y/n.

Maybe her future did belong to her.

[whoever-iwant-tobe]

It wasn’t meant to be a long game. (part 1 of ?)

David x Natalie-- honestly, what I imagine their history and life to be. Obviously this is made up, but some of the actual timeline stuff is most positively messed up because my memory is shit so just pretend my timeline is entirely fictional so that you aren’t holding me to any type of standards. This is my first fic ever and is probably teeming with errors.

Warnings: none YET. No promises on part 2.

___________________________________

You were surprised when you got the text. 

“What are your plans for the next 6 months”

“?????”

You hadn’t talked to him for a while, you were in your last semester of classes before your internship (not to mention the hunt for an internship that wouldn’t make you want to absolutely die) and he was living a zillion miles away. On top of that, you both had separate lives now, relationships, separate friends.

“Dave what are you talking about?”

Facetime request from David. When you answer, you don’t even try to hide the confused look on your face.

“I want you to be my assistant. It can be your internship! Since I’m an LLC or whatever the fuck, it can be legit. I’ll pay you! I’ll pay more than the fancy event planning place downtown will. Come onnnn”

“I’m sorry but why the fuck do you need an assistant?”

“Jack says I need one and honestly my world is kind of a giant mess right now and you’re the only one I can imagine trusting to help run my life”

“Dave, I don’t know. LA is so far, and then there’s Shawn... I just don’t know”

“I promise, I’ll make it worth your while. 6 months, then you can help me find someone to replace you if you wanna leave”

So, you went.

That was 18 months ago, and you were still in LA. But your life was completely different. Now, when you went in public, people stopped and asked for pictures. What started as picking up Chipotle for Dave turned into sitting in his trailer on sets, coordinating with his publicist (yes, a publicist!), and training people to do the grunt work that used to be yours. What started as parking tickets in your dad’s hand-me-down car parked outside of Bellingham turned into making yourself a home in the place you shared with David overlooking the better bits of the city. 

What also changed was that you and David were both single, out of long term relationships that, if we’re being honest, never had a shot at lasting. They felt perfect for both of you from the thick of it, but once you were on the outside, the troubles were glaringly obvious. 

What didn’t change was the way you bickered like people who’d known each other half a lifetime, the way he listened when you put your foot down, or the way his bullshit antics still made you laugh even when you knew they were risky as hell. 

9 months ago, something shifted. Where you used to tiptoe around each other out of respect for the other’s partner, walls came down. David didn’t feel like he needed to keep such a healthy distance like he did when Shawn was still in the picture. You didn’t feel like an outsider interfering with every little mention or memory of Liza like you did before. Now you could be the actual best friends you were before it all. Before the fame and before Liza and Shawn and before all of this.

You were 14 when you found out he had a crush on you, but the thing about being a 14 year old girl is that you don’t actually feel like you’re ‘allowed’ to have a crush on whoever you want. Like whoever you’re crushing on needs to be someone who will impress your friends. Now you know it’s bullshit, but 14 year old you knew that your goofy, kind of dorky next door neighbor wasn’t going to be a crush that would impress anyone. So you did the logical thing, something you’ll probably regret for the rest of forever, and decided that you were only going to “have crushes on football players,” because that would impress your friends. You couldn’t imagine the teasing you’d endure if your girlfriends heard about the soft spot you had for your dorky next door neighbor, so you repressed. You repressed it until you didn’t even really believe it was there either.

You didn’t know that your 14 year old next door neighbor was kind of crushed when he found out you were not only not interested in him, but the guys you were crushing on were nothing like him. 14 year old David had lots of friends, and it kind of protected him from comparing himself or categorizing himself, but seeing you choose the football players was quite possibly the biggest ego blow of his whole life. It was where he realized that people have leagues, and you were out of his. Way out of his. So, like you, he repressed. He accepted friendship because he still wanted you in his life. Like a lot. So he pursued a friendship, and you were open to it because you wanted him in your life too. He teased and played with you, but he knew where he thought he stood, and he didn’t push it.

Adult Dave and Natalie were playing the same game you’d started when your were 14. Repression, denial of feelings. Except David wasn’t the dorky next door neighbor with braces anymore, and having crushes wasn’t for impressing your friends anymore. But the damage was done. Despite millions of dollars and followers, admiration, and all the fancy things he could want, David still had it internalized that you were miles out of his league. So you stayed in your leagues. 

This is where the regret of a 14 year old girl haunts a 22 year old woman. Its where she wonders what would be different, if the damage is too much to overcome, or if it would even be worth it. 

Ever since his public breakup and your private one (exposed by the stans, to no real fault of anyone-- everyone was bound to catch on), things have changed. He’s more open with you, your relationship is more balanced, and those little voids in your lives that your partners left are being filled with each other. You’re an assumed duo, a de facto pair. You tell each other more than you have in years, and you lean into one another for support. You’re closer than you’ve ever been. You start to miss him when you travel separately, and that is confusing to you. You start to notice how good he looks when he’s fresh out of yet another shower, before he’s picked a truly stupid fight with you that ends up in fits of laughter from you both (or some passive aggressive twitter activity). The regret of a 14 year old girl creeps back-- the girl who’s own self consciousness about who she should “like” had broken her neighbor’s heart, spirit, and ego. She’d spent their formative years denying she ever “liked” him like that, and he’d spent his convincing himself he could never have her, until he’d convinced himself to put her out of his mind.

When there was distance, it was easy to squash feelings. Out of sight, out of mind. When the distance was gone and she’d moved in with him, they both had their own stacked deck of distractions. Even though she was micromanaging his life and the physical distance was gone, there was still an emotional barrier. They had other partners and they were friends with a business relationship. Hell, he didn’t even claim her as one of his best friends in interviews. She wondered if she deserved that, after she’d crushed his spirit at 14. 

But then the barriers broke, your relationships ended-- his was a long and brutal 12 months of pining. Your decision had been made months before you finally cut the cord, though. So your breakup was a bit easier. Once you were both “over it,” so to speak, you threw yourselves into your work. Dave was making moves online, you helped Jack find him a publicist, and his schedule was exploding. Time that used to be spent sitting around at Bellingham, picking up food, and booking prop- animals was long gone. You were being put in the vlogs more, which was not your favorite, but you knew how much David loved it. He always loved your reactions, and you weren’t one to make him unhappy on purpose unless he deserved it.

Now it was interviews and premieres and bringing your new LA friend on as another assistant to lighten the load. You had a fanbase now, and like a million followers and fan accounts. You were traveling more, in big groups, in small groups with just the two of you and Jason, and sometimes just you and Dave. Your favorite was when it was just the 2 or 3 of you. You didn’t have to be always on, didn’t have to impress anyone, and you could be yourselves. And as much as Dave loves surrounding himself with action and chaos, you knew he loved those trips too. The two of you were growing closer and it made your heart feel full.

There was a turning point for the two of you, and it hit right around the time you helped him put together a whole sham marriage as a prank on Jason. The two of you were side-by-side in your first class seats on a late night flight to Boston to get Lorraine. You couldn’t bring anyone with or draw attention to yourselves online or it would blow your cover. So for the first time in a really long time, the two of you got to be normal. No rush to edit, no stories to post. You got to talk and laugh and relax for those glorious hours, 30,000ish feet in the air. You wrapped yourselves in the airline blankets and talked about the things you’d avoided. How you were both doing post-break up. Who you thought should get married next (besides David and Lorraine and Erin and TJ-- your vote was Heath and Mariah). Before you knew it, you found yourselves in a game of 20 questions, just like when you were teens. It was like the universal 13-15 year old way to flirt or to tell someone you like them or to find out who they liked. But there you were, two grownass adults in first classs, leaning on your sides and playing 20 questions.

“So are you over over Shawn?” yes.

Will you ever be over Liza? “I’m almost there.”

“What happened with us?” We’ve always been friends.

“No, like why did we grow apart?” Well I went to college, and you chased your dreams.

“Do you ever wish some things had gone differently when we were younger?” Absolutely. 

For the first time in a really, really long time, the two of you just looked at one another. Silently. For a long time. It wasn’t awkward. It was like you were both thinking about the same thing without discussing it aloud.

After a good long while, David finally spoke. “I’m glad we’re doing this together Nat. I couldn’t do it without you.”

“Me too, Dave”

And you both knew that neither of you were talking about the sham marriage he was about to get into. You were talking about this life you were now building together.

Before you knew it, your eyes had grown heavy. The two of you fell asleep face to face, propped up by the airline seats you never fully converted into beds, and for the first time in a while, feeling content.

------------------

[more to come when I find the time]

[nikkisnonsense-blog1]

To Myself... Three Months Ago

Dear Nikki,

Hey girl, I come to you not bearing the greatest of news. These next few months are going to be some of the hardest of your life so far. I really hate to be the one to tell you this but I feel like we’re close enough that we can be honest with each other. Well I’m not gonna waste anymore time because there’s a lot I need to get you up to speed on. Let’s make this a list of 8 things for organization sake.

      1. The musical you’ve been directing for the past few months will not be happening

You and your friend/ music director, Joe have been wearing out the phrase “I can’t believe the show is happening!” for the past few months. Sadly, that’s not the case. Sure, sometimes you wanted to rip your hair out due to frustration or cried in your car because you didn’t think you were doing a good enough job. But underneath it all, I know you had put more work into this show than you have for anything else in your life. You knew the possibility of the show being canceled was there but it was only something that you joked about in rehearsal with your cast. It could never become a reality. The day you find out, you won’t cry much. Which is weird. If anything you don’t feel much at all. The next day your cast will do an amazing concert style performance of the show instead which people will rave to you about and it genuinely makes you feel good for a moment. But it isn’t until after that’s over that it actually begins to set in. When everyone else starts to move on You’ll stare at the box of props that sits in your kitchen for months and feel a weird form of uneasiness. You were told by everyone that any frustration you feel would be worth it when the curtain opens. But what do you do when the curtain never opens? You’re forced to sit with the disappointment and sadness of an unfinished project. You think about all of the fun things you would have gotten to do with your cast and crew and how proud of yourself you would have been after the shows. That’s when you cry.

      2. The second half of your last college semester will be taken away

Besides the Musical, you will also be missing out on plenty of other events at school.  Your spring concert, trip to NYC, your roommate’s senior art show, your girlfriend’s comedy show, any theatre in the area, drunken nights with your friends, and most importantly, Graduation. Ah yes, the very thing that your entire life has been waiting on. At least that’s how it feels. You remember when you were little and traveled to upstate New York and Boston for your cousins’ graduations and how big of a deal they were. Or watching your parents tear up at your sister’s graduation. Not having been the best student in school, you were shocked you even made it this far. A day that was going to be a monumental experience for you and so many others has just been pushed to a further date. Like a dentist appointment. That day hurts the most. When I tell my parents how upset I am, they assure me “You’ll still have a graduation!” but you know it won’t be the same. You get mad at the world because of it and feel like stomping your feet on the ground and yelling “It’s not fair!” like a child. But you know that wouldn’t do any good.

       3. You’re going to gain weight

As someone who has had body images their whole life, I know this sounds like an absolute nightmare. And it kind of is. It’s kind of inevitable wen you can’t leave your house anymore, you rely on Door Dash a little too much, The gym is closed, and you really have no motivation to do anything. Stretch marks will appear in new places, shirts that once fit perfectly will be snug, and certain clothes you used to feels sexy in, just make you feel like a fool. It’s so important to remind yourself that your body is changing because your lifestyle is changing. It’s going to drive you wild for a while but I promise you it is not the end of the world. Also your girlfriend assures you she still finds you beautiful in any state. 

       4.  You move back in with your parents

You’re fortunate enough to have the last 2 months in your apartment to quarantine with your roommates and your girlfriend which is like a weird stretch of time where there are no rules and you feel like a Sim without a task. Then before you know it, your lease is up and your parents come up and help move you out of your apartment. Now I know you’re thinking that sounds like a nightmare but living with Mom and Dad is not as awful as you imagined. They treat you like an adult, give you your space, and dad only makes you watch one video he finds online a day as opposed to his usual 5. Theres also a bulk size container of cheese sticks from Costco so you decide this place isn’t too bad. Moving home is surprisingly the best you’ve felt all year. Your mental health is getting better which is a god sent considering how miserable you’ve been. So there is a silver lining

     5. Finding work is IMPOSSIBLE

You’ll find yourself comparing yourself to when your sister finished college and found work and an apartment almost immediately. Even though she’s in a different field and graduated 3 years ago when the world was a much different place, you still compare yourself. Indeed and Ziprecruiter become your best friends but they clearly don’t like you back very much because your responses are limited. The closest you get to a job is an insurance agency that would offer you $65,000- $85,000 a year. Maybe it’s just the Jew in you, but those numbers got you very excited, so you apply. They decide they’re interested in you and schedule you for a virtual interview. You’ve also read the job description 100 times and still have no god damn idea what you would be doing. During the Interview, the man asks you if you have any doubts and you say “maybe a few due to my lack of experience” but in your head you’re thinking “What the fuck am I doing. I have a degree in Theatre and I’m trying to get a job selling insurance. Would this job even make me the tiniest bit happy besides the paycheck?” The man tells you that he would like to offer you the job to which you graciously say thank you.  As soon as you hang up the zoom call, you immediately burst into tears. Frustrated and sad that the only job you have gotten close to is one you don’t even want. The jobs you do want, in the arts and media, are not hiring right now and if they are it’s for people with 5+ years of experience. You’ve applied to over 50 jobs at this point and the only ones that have gotten back to you sound dreadful. You learn that no paycheck is worth a lifetime of sadness. You email the man back saying thank you, but you cannot accept the job.

    6. The world is full of awful people

This may seem like an exaggeration at first especially because I- uh I mean you, are generally a pretty optimistic person. You may have severe depression, but you still usually see the glass half full. But even the blindest of optimists can’t deny the world looks pretty shit right now. Besides the pandemic, Black people are being murdered left and right by police for no reason. Something that certainly isn’t a new phenomenon but has now been amplified to new heights and has brought out the rage in people. You do what you can to help in these times. Protesting, donating, sharing online, signing petitions but it never feels like enough. You will continue to raise your voice about Black Lives Mattering and hope for change. Acknowledging your white privilege and trying to listen to the voices of others. As much as you personally try to help out, you end up seeing the ugly that comes out as well. Especially in your 92.9% white small town. 

    7. Pride will be different this year

The yearly celebration of going to Pride in Philadelphia with rainbow shadow on your eyes, glitter in your hair, and a water bottle full of vodka and gatorade have now been replace with anger and a yearning for justice. The LGBT community would be nothing without Black activists backing it. The Stonewall Riots were led by a Black Trans Woman. So you do your part to amplify black voices as a part of pride. Because right now is not the time to take shots and dance to Whitney Houston.

    8. You’re not the only one feeling this way

Even though life is a bit of a shit show right now, it’s so important to remind yourself that you are not the only one experiencing these things. None of your friends know what the hell they’re doing either.  Everyone is just scared shitless of the state of the world and is trying their best. Please take some of the pressure off yourself. You are only a person and it’s unrealistic to put these standards on yourself. The world today is a completely different world than it was 3 months ago. As for the months to come, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. You’d have to ask 6 months from now Nikki but I haven’t met her yet. The world will not be the same as it was before but I promise you, there is a new normal somewhere beyond the horizon. 

Take care of yourself,

Present Day Nikki

Ps. You are going to adopt a baby tortoise named Harley and he will be the light of your life. He will make life just a bit more bearable.

Pss. 

Here are links to help the Black Lives Matter movement

[marshmallow-phd]

Sculpted Raven

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Supernatural, Wolf Au

Pairing: Chanyeol x Reader

Summary: It had been just you and your brother for the longest time and that’s how you liked it. Politics and lies had drove you away from your home five years ago and that has since left a bitter taste in your mouth. While exploring the latest town you’d settled in, you met Chanyeol. He was everything you didn’t want: goofy, happy-go-lucky… a wolf. Mate pull or not, you were going to try everything you could avoid him while keeping the secret from your brother. But how long would you be able to fight? Will Chanyeol be able to pull you back into the world you swore you would never enter again?

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I 14 I Final

**

Flopping down on the finally cleared off couch, you let out a hefty sigh. When your brother first suggested moving to this town, you were skeptical. A college town that was surrounded by woods. You were sure that he would get discovered, accidentally changing around a party of students or some other avoidable event. But he insisted on this place and since you swore to stay by his side… well, you didn’t really have a choice.

Unpacking was certainly the worst part of moving. The fact that you were the kind of person that once you started you couldn’t really stop just made it worse. However, you were finally done after doing nothing else since breakfast thanks to zero help from your big bro.

Speaking of the devil, Lon came waltzing in the front door, whistling to himself.

“Well, now this place looks like home!” he cheered.

You glared at him. “Yeah, no thanks to you.”

He blew you off, heading into the kitchen and going straight for the freshly stocked fridge. Opening the door and letting the cold air out, he just stood there, studying the shelves like he was practicing for the Bar Exam.

Pushing yourself up off the couch, you came up behind him, already in tune with whatever he was thinking. “I’m not cooking you dinner, too.”

He whined, “But your food is so good. And you know how I am in the kitchen.”

“Yeah… useless.” Sometimes, you really had to make yourself remember that he was nearly two years older than you.

Growing up, you were always looking after him. Especially since he used to be so tiny. The other boys in the pack would pick on him, bully him to no end. Well, when you all were still a part of a pack.

No. Nope. You didn’t go down that road. You no longer dealt with wolf business and that was how you liked it.

“I guess I’ll just have a sandwich then,” Lon grumbled.

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t you mean six sandwiches?”

“I take offense to that,” he scoffed.

You crossed your arms as he turned to face you, letting the fridge door close with a thud. “It was meant to be offensive, idiot.”

Lon pounced, putting you in a loose chokehold before you could get away. Stupid jerk. You fought against his hold, grunting as you tried to gain some sort of leverage. You didn’t get any.

“Say you’re sorry and I’ll let go,” Lon mocked.

What were you, five?

“Not a chance,” you grunted stubbornly. Eventually, he’d let go. Right?

“I’m stronger, sis,” he laughed. “Always have been, always will.”

Irritated, you took the low road and elbowed him in the stomach. He groaned, his hold loosening enough for you to escape.

“Cheater,” he huffed.

Grabbing your leather jacket off the back of the couch, you saluted him. “We each have our ways. I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Where are you going?” Lon jutted out his bottom lip. Ugh. You hated it when he pouted. Someday he’d learn that he wasn’t a cute puppy anymore.

“Out,” you answered simply before closing the door behind you. He was the one who chose this place, it was only justifiable that you got to explore it on your own as well.

It was well into the new semester. The air was starting to warm up as spring approached. College students were bucking down for their midterms, but that didn’t stop most of them from going out on a Friday night.

A small art festival was taking place in the downtown area so you decided to check that out. It was held in a large open area where dozens of white tents were set up in rows for the artists to display their works. Some had potter up for sale, other’s jewelry while most stuck to classic paintings and sketches.

Plenty of people were milling about, weaving in and out of the tents with treats in their hands from the food trucks parked nearby. You could easily hang around without attracting too much attention, blending in and not being noticed. Not that you actually looked like an artsy person with your worn leather jacket and ratted black jeans with massive holes in the knees. You made a note to yourself to remind your brother that your converse would need replacing soon.

A particular tent decorated in black and white and sepia photos of old ruins and worn objects caught your eye. You moseyed on over to it, squeezing around a small group of girls that were huddled around the entrance. Taking your time, you flipped through the photos that were housed in black cardboard frames to keep them from bending.

You were absolutely fascinated. More colorful pictures were hidden behind the grainy ones that originally caught your eyes. Beautiful blues and greens that made up the northern lights. Golden sand that contrasted against the almost-white blue sky. Waterfalls and hot springs. But your absolute favorites were pictures the photographer had somehow gotten inside the Chernobyl disaster area.

There were crumbled up books, decaying buildings, and even an old typewriter. The ones that really drew you in, though, were the many pianos that were falling apart. Dust and cobwebs covered the chipping wood. Many had missing keys and their rusting stings inside were exposed for the world to see. The last one you came to had fallen onto its back, the pieces still left barely holding together.

You felt a lot like those pianos. A shell of your former self. Where there used to be a once happy and carefree little girl who wore dresses and got along with other kids, now there was only a bitter woman who preferred to left alone. You were crumbling away inside with no desire to tape the pieces back together.

“See anything you like?”

Glancing up, you rolled your eyes as you pushed the stack of photos with your index finger back to their original position, leaning away from you for the next person to sort through.

A fairly tall boy with blonde hair and tanned skin was holding himself up against the table of boxes that housed the artist’s work in a manner that he probably thought was suave and cool.

“Not interested,” you deadpanned. Stuffing your hands in your pockets, you walked around him and away from the breathtaking pictures. It’s not like you had extra money to buy them anyway.

“Now that’s not very nice.” The guy had long legs and so he caught up to you in less than two strides.

“Do I look like I do nice?” you snapped. Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him.

In your peripheral, you saw him rake his eyes up and down. “I’d say you look nice. A few rough edges, maybe, but I think I could smooth them out.”

You lost it. Whirling on him, you put up your wall and riled up your tough girl act.

“Listen,” you growled. “I. Am not. Interested. So go chase a short skirt that might actually care about your pathetic attempts at flirting.”

With a set jaw, he opened his mouth to-

“Tao!”

He clamped his mouth shut tight and his eyes flashed yellow, just for a second.

Shit. You pissed off a wolf. Your brother hadn’t mentioned that there were other wolves here. He probably didn’t even know. The idiot.

Two other tall wolves stood about ten feet away. The one in front of you - Tao - whined before throwing you a glare and running off to join his pack members. The tallest one with a very authoritative aura to him grabbed Tao by his neck and started dragging him away. Tao let out a few cries of pain, but that didn’t deter his brother.

Just before you could go about your business, the second wolf caught your eye. He had a soft face outlined by light brown hair and ears that stuck out a bit. Dark, contrasting brown eyes stared at you in fascination. His eyebrows were pulled together in confusion. An uncomfortable feeling settling in your stomach, you backed up a few steps before turning around and inserting yourself into the crowd that was moving in the opposite direction of the wolf.

You decided it was time for you to head back home and you left the art festival and walked along the empty sidewalks of the business district.

To no one’s surprise, your brother was sprawled out on the couch, munching away at sandwich number who knows what. As soon as the door was shut behind you, you marched up to the couch and slapped your brother upside the head.

“Ow!” he whined through a mouth full of food. “What was that?”

“Did you even do any sort of freaking research before choosing this place?” you yelled.

Tossing the sandwich down on the coffee table, your brother sat up. “Of course I did! Do you remember what happened last time?”

Of course you did. The idiot didn’t realize that a particularly nasty pack had already settled in the area a few months back. Your brother had needed several days to heal up after that encounter while you searched desperately to find anywhere else to live that wasn’t there. The worst part was that you actually liked the area.

“Why the hell do you think I’m asking?” As much as you loved your brother, he could be a real idiot sometimes. “Did you happen to miss the wolves that already live here?”

Lon shook his head. “No, I know they’re here.”

You blinked. Several times. “Excuse me?”

“I met one of them when I was scouting the place out,” he elaborated. “I was bouncing around the different auto shops, seeing anyone had any openings. I came across a new shop that was looking for hire. The owner spotted what I was right away. He doesn’t care. It’s his pack that claims this territory, but as long as we don’t cross them, we’re fine.”

Okay with your brother’s presence or not, you were not satisfied or comforted by his explanation Or the fact that he left that important detail out. “And you didn’t think that maybe I should know about this?”

“Nope.” God, he even did the lip pop on the “p” that you hated so much. “I knew you want to find a different place and I like it here. I start at the shop tomorrow and we already signed a six month lease on the place. So chill out.”

He was absolutely correct. You would have fought tooth and nail to go somewhere else. You didn’t trust wolves. After the shit the pack pulled against your family… well, let’s just say that if your brother didn’t turn into a big hairy dog every once in a while, then you would have made sure to extinct that part of your life forever. Even so, you did a pretty good job of avoiding the supernatural.

“Fine,” you grumbled. Walking around him, you snatched up his sandwich before heading down the hall to your room.”

“Hey!” Lon called after you.

Officially claiming the sandwich as your own, you took a large bite out of the corner. “You’ve had enough!”

**

Honestly, you should probably get a job. It might cure this boredom you had. But your brother insisted on being the only breadwinner in the family and didn’t really agree with you finding full time work as well.

You could always take classes. The college might actually take you. You had decent grades in high school. Not honor society worthy, but still not bad. You’d taken some college courses in the past after you first graduated, but the idea of staying in a lecture hall for over an hour while some old guy yapped away like what he was saying was actually important wasn’t how you prefered to spend your time.

With no other appealing tasks, you once again set out in randomly walking around the city. Out of the seven days you’d been settled in this place, this was about the fourth time you’d spent it this way. Each time, you hit a different area, memorizing the street names and buildings located there but always avoided the college. According to your brother, most of the pack was enrolled at the university and you didn’t feel like having another run-in with any of them. Lon hadn’t really met of them either, but he wasn’t too worried. His boss apparently was of the higher ups of the pack and treated him well.

Thinking about your brother made you realize that you hadn’t gone to visit him at work yet. While you knew where the shop was located approximately and what it was called, you hadn’t physically been there yet. You decided that could cure an hour or so and you brought up the shop on your phone, following the map until you were outside the entrance.

There was a car in each of the three slots of the garage with a few mechanics milling about. You shifted back and forth on your feet while your eyes searched for your brother. You had the right shop, didn’t you?

“Can I help you?”

The really tall wolf from the night at the festival walked up to you, wiping his hands with an already dirty rag.

“Um,” you scratched the side of your neck. “I’m looking for Lon?”

A look of epiphany lit up the wolf’s eyes. “Ah. you must be the little sister.” He held out his hand. “I’m Kris.”

Hesitantly, you took his hand, shaking it politely. “(y/n).”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Kris smiled. He motioned with his head, “Follow me. Lon’s under a car right now.”

Oh. That explained why you didn’t seem him. You followed Kris to the car all the way to the end of the garage. Lon was lying on a shop roller on the floor underneath a blue convertible. Kris hit his palm against the door twice.

“Hey, Lon, you’ve got a visitor.”

Your brother pushed himself out from under the car. “(y/n)? What are you doing here?”

You shrugged. “I was bored.”

Lon grunted as he got to his feet. “Sorry, Kris.”

Kris waved it away. “Don’t worry about it. Family’s important. Besides, the owner won’t be picking up until tomorrow. No rush.” He looked at you and nodded. “It was nice to meet you.”

You gave him a slightly forced smiled. You couldn’t help it. Too many years spent being weary of other wolves. “You, too.”

Now just the two of you, Lon sighed, shaking his head at you. “Did you at least bring me lunch?”

“No,” you scoffed. “I was just walking around, figured I’d kill some time here, see what you do with your day.” You leaned against the car, stuffing your hands in your pockets.

Like the annoying brother he was, Lon pulled the beanie from your head and then tugged on your jacket. “Don’t scratch the car. I’ll have to pay for that.”

Rolling your eyes, you swiped your hat back and stuffed it in your pocket before straightening up. “Yeah, right. You could fix a small scratch in your sleep without spending a dime.”

Lon had always loved tinkering with cars ever since he was kid. He’d go on and on about cylinders and nitro gas and racer movies. A permanent smell of grease followed him everywhere. Your dad always encouraged it, buying him old clunkers that Lon would spend hours pulling apart and putting back together again. You’d usually hang out with him in the garage doing your homework or just sitting on the floor, watching him. The garage was where he was happiest and seeing your brother happy made you content.

That was always the height of your emotions: contentment. You weren’t exactly sure what “happy” was anymore. That was a feeling you hadn’t had for a very long time. Neutral was where you stayed most of the time, teetering on angry. Angry at the old pack, angry at your dad, angry at the world. Usually, you were able to stamp it down. Anger was useless when you had nowhere to direct it.

“Still,” Lon scolded, flicking your forehead, “don’t lean on the car.”

Looking around the shop, you watched as the mechanics as joked around and teased each other. Their laughs echoed off the walls and made the atmosphere an enjoyable one.

“Do you like it here?” you asked.

With a big smile, he nodded. “Yeah. I like it a lot. Kris is a good man to work for. And I don’t have to hide what I am.”

You frowned. “Are the others-”

“Nah,” he didn’t even let you finish. “Just Kris knows. But that means I don’t have to hide it from him if… something were to happen.”

You didn’t exactly want to think about what could happen if your brother was to accidentally lose his temper.

“That’s good.”

“Kris!”

Your head snapped around to the voice that had called for the shop owner.

Ugh.

It was the brown haired wolf from the festival. Tao wasn’t with him, thankfully. This time, a different sandy haired boy was with him along with a literal incarnation of a puppy. So much for no more running into them. Weren’t they supposed to be in school?

Kris looked up from the engine he was currently looking at. “Hey, guys! What’s up?”

You turned back to your brother. “I’m going to go ahead go. I’ll see you at home.”

“Okay!” Lon threw an arm over your shoulder, pulling in so he could plant a kiss on the top of your head. You shoved him away, trying to feign annoyance, but it didn’t work. You loved affection from your brother.

Now the trick was to sneak out of the garage without being noticed. You were almost in the clear, taking quick but quiet steps. The sidewalk outside was almost in your reach….

“Hey, wait!”

You didn’t wait. Your pace quickened, hoping that your obvious determination to not stop would deter his chase. Unfortunately, not.

“Hey!” The wolf grabbed your arm and brought you to a stop before spinning you around to face him.

“What?” you growled.

“I’m Chanyeol,” he blurted.

You raised an eyebrow. “So?”

As hard as it was, you tried not to focus on his face. Cute boys weren’t your type at all. Especially cute boys that didn’t understand that you obviously didn’t want to be bothered. One would think that after his friend being shot down last week, the hint would be painted on a billboard sign that you weren’t interested.

But then you really met his eyes.

Your heart was doing something funny. It was speeding up and not in the usual flight or fight way that you were used to. A smile grew on Chanyeol’s face. It was a little lopsided as it crinkled the sides of his eyes. It just made your heart jump even more.

No. Hell no.

“What’s your name?” he asked softly.

“Not a chance.”

You wretched your arm out of his grasp and took off. As fast as your feet could carry you, you raced back to your apartment, not stopping until you were safe within its walls. Collapsing against the door, you slid down to the floor, releasing a sound that was a mix of a groan and a whine the whole way.

This was so not happening to you. It wasn’t going to happen to you. Not on your watch.

Taking off your jacket, you rolled it up into a ball until your noticed your pockets were empty. Searching all around you and even risking being found to look outside your apartment, you desperately wanted to find your purple beanie. It was your favorite and it was nowhere to be found.

Great. Just freaking great.

One week here and you hated this place already. Hopefully, you dropped it back at the shop and your brother was able to pick it up. If not - you didn’t want to think about the possible alternative. From now on, you were going to have to become a recluse. And you had make sure that your brother never found out.

[bytheangell]

ELLE! I have a prompt. "I never wanted for you to find out like this!" (Maybe friends to boyfriends, make it angsty, you're the angst queen lmao)

Write the Words I Can’t Speak(Read on AO3)

Magnus Bane is in love with his roommate. He isn’t sure exactly when it happened, but there’s absolutely no denying it, and if left unchecked he’s positive he’ll do something he’ll regret like admit it out loud and ruin their friendship forever. So rather than bottle his feelings up until they explode, Magnus decides to chronicle them in a notebook: a notebook with the sole purpose of writing down every moment he feels overwhelming love for Alexander Gideon Lightwood. A notebook that is quickly running out of space.

He wonders how he got here, sharing an apartment with the person he loves so much he’d do anything for: anything, including suffering in silence through feelings so intense he’s positive they’ll burn him from the inside out one day.

---

Their first year as randomly assigned roommates, Magnus wasn’t even sure he liked Alec as a friend . Alec always seemed uncomfortable around him, especially at the start of the year, and Magnus often wondered if he was simply a bit too much for the other boy who preferred to stay in or work out during his free time than go out to parties or have anything even vaguely resembling fun.

Back then, Magnus wondered if Alec had a problem with him being bisexual. He kept his relationships out of the dorm was much as possible because whenever Magnus brought dates around Alec either left, or grew very withdrawn. About halfway through their Freshman year he brought it up to Isabelle. Though she was a year younger than them she skipped a grade in High School, and started college at the same time as her older brother. She was around often enough and the two of them got along pretty well - if Alec had a problem with him he thought that Izzy might be the sort of person who would be honest with him. But when he brought it up to her halfway through their freshman year, all she did was laugh. “Why would Alec have a problem with you being bi when he’s--” but she cut off abruptly and frowned. “Listen, he doesn’t have a problem with that, I promise.”

All that did was leave Magnus with the fear that, if it wasn’t that , it was just something about his personality that Alec hated. He couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something keeping them from being better friends.

Izzy must’ve said something to Alexander, because the next day Alec nervously approached him about it, apologizing profusely for ever giving him the impression that he had a problem with Magnus’ sexuality. He swore up and down that it was nothing like that. In fact, he didn’t have a problem with anything about Magnus. None of that explained the way he acted the first half of the year they were roommates, but ever since they cleared the air that day things between them grew infinitely easier.

Perhaps a bit too easy.

Once Magnus didn’t feel like he had to hide around Alec, once they both relaxed into themselves around one another, they fit together like they were made for one another. It was a gradual shift, from roommates to friends. Magnus spent more nights in watching movies with Alec. Alec occasionally went out with him to a party now and again, especially when their friend Simon’s band played.

The summer after that first year, Magnus missed seeing Alec every day much more than he thought he would. They would text pretty regularly, and FaceTime at least once a week, but it never felt like enough. When they came back Sophomore year they were inseparable, the transition from friends to best friends undeniable. Once or twice Magnus thought he caught something there between them - something more . A look, a lingering touch, usually at a party after a few drinks or during walks home from downtown on the weekends. But it always ended with Alec quickly saying something to fill the silence or physically distancing himself, and Magnus could take a hint. It was just a silly crush, he told himself. He’d get over it.

Except he didn’t. He dated on and off, but none of them were the person he wanted to spend his time with the most. Most of the relationships didn’t last very long, and even more didn’t manage to reach the ‘relationship’ stage at all, stuck on one night stands or friends-with-benefits. His best friend held his heart, and once Magnus found he couldn’t deny that simple fact to himself any longer he almost told him on more than one occasion. He almost ruined everything too many times to be comfortable with.

That’s when he got the idea for the notebook. It remained unmarked, and he strategically left the first handful of pages blank. He made the first entry their sophomore year while Alec slept in his twin bed, legs hanging over the edge, mere feet away from where Magnus sat at his standard-issue wooden desk and began to write.      1. I cannot believe how adorable his snoring is. I almost can’t fall asleep without it anymore.

He looks so peaceful like this, and I hope he could feel this sort of serenity for the rest of his life.

  He closed the notebook quickly and tucked it under several others in his desk drawer, not knowing then how many times he’d revisit it in the months to follow.

Over the summer after Sophomore year Alec came out to him as gay. Besides his sister, Magnus is the only other person he told, doing so over a tearful phone call at 1 am one night. Magnus got in his car and drove the 6 hours between them through the night just to talk in person about it. A selfish part of him hoped that maybe this changed things - that perhaps this gave him the sort of chance with Alec that he stopped hoping for long ago. But a well-meant “I don’t know what I’d do without a friend like you through all of this” brought him crashing back to reality.

Alec needed him as a friend. As a confidant. As support. And if Magnus tried to make a move and ruined that friendship, he’d never forgive himself. The moment he arrived home after the 6 hour drive back he added pages of new entries to his Alec Notebook, starting with:

  He’s so strong, and so much braver than he gives himself credit for. He could take on the world if he only believed in himself half as much as I believe in him.

I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I wish he knew the way he lights up the world around him with just a smile, or a kind word. He deserves to know. I wish I could tell him.

  There were smudges on some of the pages from the occasional stray teardrop, and more and more often Magnus stopped to wonder if this was hurting him more than helping.

And when he fell asleep every night for the rest of that summer, he imagined himself drifting off to the sound of Alec’s snores.

---

Alright, Magnus thinks, so perhaps he knows exactly how he got here. Now that they’re in their Junior year he and Alec share an off-campus apartment. Magnus already knows he’ll miss the sound of Alec’s snores from their shared room, as the apartment has two bedrooms, one for each of them. It also has a proper kitchen and not just a microwave in a dorm. They’re celebrating this by cooking a full three-course meal now that everything is moved in and unpacked, except Alec somehow manages to get more foot on himself than in the mixing bowl.

Magnus laughs as he reaches up to pull a stray sprig of parsley from his hair, and their eyes lock as Magnus’ fingers catch in the slight curls. Magnus freezes, the smile straining on his face but not leaving, even as he watches Alec’s laugh drop into a look of mild mortification before he can control it to something more neutral. Magnus keeps the smile on his face as he excuses himself to the bathroom, allowing his heart to break in private for a minute or two before having to face Alec again. When he comes back out the mood shifts, and it’s all his fault. He can barely enjoy their dinner full of small talk about classes and the goddamn weather .

He needs to stop this.

Magnus withdraws, trying not to show any unnecessarily affection towards Alec so that he won’t notice again. If he can’t stop the feelings he can at least be less obvious about them. Except Alec notices that , and one day while Magnus is going out of his way to avoid him (because he’s growing stubble now and it’s so goddamn attractive when he smiles and the hairs pull around the curve of his lips and--) Alec asks him what he did to make him mad at him.

“Nothing,” Magnus says. “I’m not mad at you.” He sighs, muttering under his breath as he walks away. “I could never be mad at you. That’s the problem.”

But after that Alec pulls away, too. They have their moments, and they’re never unfriendly towards one another, but something changes after that first night. In the weeks that follow it feels like every time Magnus is home, Alec has somewhere to be. Classes. Work. Nights spent over at Izzy’s. He doesn’t fault him for any of it - all it took was one slip-up to ruin everything and he only has himself to blame.

They’re a month into the semester when Magnus gets a call on his way home from class.

“Magnus? So, uh, good news and bad news. Bad news, a pipe burst on the floor above us. Good news, we’re covered to replace anything damaged. But I think a lot of your books got damaged, the worst of the leak was in your room.”

“Of course it was.”

“I”m going to see what I can salvage - I know you hand-write all your notes in class. Hopefully some of them are still readable.”

Magnus can tell from the tone of Alec’s voice that it’s probably a lost cause, but he’s trying. “Thanks. I’ll be back in a few to help.”

It isn’t until he hangs up and walks another two blocks that the realization hits him that Alec is about to go through his desk.

His notebooks .

He tries to call him back but there’s no answer. Magnus breaks into a run, sprinting the rest of the way back to the apartment as fast as he can.

It isn’t fast enough.

Magnus freezes in the doorway of his room at the sight of Alec, sitting in the middle of a pile of water damaged books and papers, with a notebook in his hands. The notebook. When Alec looks up his eyes are wide, and a look of guilt passes over his features immediately.

“I didn’t mean to-- I was just seeing what wasn’t too damaged to still read, and-”

“Fuck.”

“Magnus, I-”

“Fuck!” Magnus feels like his entire world is crumbling around him. “I never wanted for you to find out like this!” His voice is shaking. “I never wanted you to find out at all. That was the whole fucking point.”

“It’s fine! Magnus, listen-”

“It isn’t fine. I’m so sorry, Alexander.” Even as he says it he’s backing out of the room. He can’t be here. He can’t do this. “I’m sorry.” He repeats before turning and leaving the apartment just as quickly as he ran in.  

Magnus ignores his phone when it rings in his pocket, as well as the subsequent buzzing of several text messages. He makes it three blocks before Alec catches up to him.

“Magnus, stop . Please.”

Magnus stops walking, but he doesn’t turn around. It doesn’t matter, because when Alec catches up to him he circles around to face him.

“That notebook… those weren’t all about…”

“You’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you? Yes. They were about you. They were all about you. I thought if I wrote it all down I wouldn’t do something stupid like say any of it out loud, or want to sit too close when we watch movies, or-”

“-almost stop to play with my hair while we cook?” Alec finishes for him.  

Magnus winces. “You trusted me to be there for you as a friend. Now I ruined it.”

Alec falls quiet, before offering slowly: “...and what if I want you here as more than a friend?”

“What?” “I don’t have anything quite as impressive as a notebook full of reasons I like you, but I’m sure I could if you give me a few days. I’m a fast writer.”

“Alec, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I like you, too. I was trying to say that back in the comfort of our apartment instead of out on the street in front of a bunch of strangers, but you really didn’t leave me a lot of options.” Alec glances around them but remains resolved.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Magnus can’t quite believe this is actually happening.

“Why didn’t you?” Alec counters.

They both fall silent at that. After a few moments the nervousness fades, replaced by the start of a smile on Alec’s face that Magnus mirrors, heartbeat pounding in his chest.

“So now what?” Magnus asks once he trusts his voice again.

“First we should probably deal with the water damage,” Alec reluctantly suggests. “But then dinner… maybe a movie?”

Magnus imagines all the times he wanted to curl up on the sofa around Alec, sharing popcorn under a blanket. He imagines dinner at their table with a candle lit between glasses of wine. He imagines everything he tried so hard to keep himself from wanting the past two years, all suddenly within his reach.

“I’d like that.”Alec laces their fingers together as they turn to head back to the apartment - back home . And just maybe, Magnus continues to hope, he might get to fall asleep to the sound of Alec’s snores again sometime soon.

[iheartseo]

MASSIVE DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL BASED ON MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES AND WHAT I FOUND HELPFUL !!! KTHNXS ✨

hello honey! I just finished my first year at my new uni doing my new degree and I am honestly so happy about the results I am currently getting compared to what I was getting last year. so I decided to write this little post in order to help those who are going into their first year of university/college or those who just wanna change their mindset.

just a very quick story time: last year was my first REAL year at a university and being fresh outta high school, I was extremely excited about studying the subjects I wanted to study and ready to make new friends etc. etc. However, I realised right after semester 1, that I was in way over my head and it most definitely did NOT help that my dumbass was in a horrible mindset and was not mentally mature for university and the social life of university. Due to this, as well as my quick declining interest and motivation to study, I pretty much bombed out and failed my entire first year of university. And when I said I failed my first year, I’m talking I completely failed and I knew I had failed by semester 2 and so I decided not to do my semester 2 final exams cause what’s the point?

that mindset honestly, was one of the worst I have ever been and my anxiety honestly has never been so high and I would not relive those moments ever again. so here are 10 tips and some advice on how to survive your first year of university/college and hopefully you guys will have a better 1st year experience than I did. ♡

TIP #1: GROW OUT OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL MENTALITY (it will be an ongoing journey even past your first year of uni tbh)

not gonna lie, the second you tell someone that you are 18 years old and that you are in university, everyone suddenly expects you to be an adult and have your shit together and to have suddenly matured out of your high school mentality and that your break between your high school graduation and your first few months at university, you are expected to have mentally matured by like 20 years or some shit. yes, it is strongly advised that you get out of your high school mentality and yes it is strongly advised that you have to grow the fuck up once you get into university.

however, you should not force yourself to grow up. university will most definitely throw things your way that will completely change and shape the person you will just eventually grow to be. 

TIP #2: ACTUALLY GO AND ATTEND YOUR UNIS/COLLEGES OPEN DAYS OR INFORMATION DAYS. JUST VISIT YOUR DAMN SCHOOLS.

my ACTUAL first year of uni, I was accepted into one of Australia’s top universities on a scholarship for a double degree course. So you can imagine the amount of pressure and hard work that was needed to be put in for me to even stay at this school. When I got accepted, it wasn’t like I didn’t know that it was going to be hard. But I personally never expected for it to be as hard as it was on me both academically and socially.

At first, I liked my course, but I am personally one of those people who thrive off of whatever environment that I am put into so if I am placed into a uni where the environment is highly toxic and almost everyone is a harsh competing rival, I won’t put in the effort. But if I am in an environment that is much more relaxed and opened, but is still willing to push me to work harder, I will actually try. But some people are able to work in incredibly harsh and competitive environments and are able to handle snobby people, I personally couldn’t at my first university which is why I transferred to the uni I am currently attending.

ABSOLUTELY NO HATE OR SHADE TO MY FIRST UNIVERSITY. IT IS TRULY A GREAT UNI. My sister went to my first uni and she absolutely loved it, but everyone has a different uni experience and sadly, I didn’t enjoy it. So I most definitely recommend researching about the schools you are thinking about attending and it would really benefit you if you personally went to visit the school yourself. If you can see yourself being happy there, if you can see yourself enjoying the environment, if you can genuinely say you like the school, go to that school. Because there is honestly no point on attending a university just for the name and the title and you don’t even like going the damn library that is on campus. 

TIP #3: TRY AND STUDY SOMETHING YOU ACTUALLY LIKE

this tip is very hard and I honestly shouldn’t be saying it? But like hear me out. My belief is that if you are studying something you genuinely enjoy, you will actually study for it. Or at least that mentality definitely applies to me. I was studying a Bachelor of Science and a Bachelor of Arts together last year. My majors were Psychology and Economics. AS MUCH AS I LOVED PSYCH, STUDYING ECONOMICS WAS A BITCH.

I personally fucken hated studying Economics and with that, I also had to study Maths as a subject under my science degree, which I also personally hated. No matter how much I tried and listened in my lectures, I could honestly never get the material and it was so disheartening to me that I couldn’t understand. Granted, I was dumb and didn’t check my classes (which I will discuss in my next tip), and I knew that university classes were going to be 100 times harder than the shit I got in high school, but that didn’t escape the fact that it was so disheartening that I wasn’t able to understand the material.

That lead me to slowly and simply not caring about what it was that I was studying and learning. I didn’t care anymore about my degree. I was so unhappy with what I was studying that I would spend more time going out and partying than actually trying to get even a Pass. Nothing wrong with having fun, but I prioritized partying over studying, which is not good.

Now I am doing an Education degree and I am so much happier! I genuinely like studying what I am studying. I even actively listen to my lectures online and take notes as if I was physically attending the lecture myself (and most students don’t even bother listening to online lectures). I even stay back after all of my classes are done to catch up with anything I have missed or get ahead of my classes. I seriously like what I am studying. Sure, I lose motivation from time to time, but I am studying way more now than I did a year ago.

BUT REMEMBER. IT IS OKAY NOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO STUDY. THERE ARE KIDS IN THEIR 4TH YEAR WHO STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO STUDY. Finding something that genuinely makes you happy and makes you want to work hard for it is hard to find, but it is so worth it once you do. So be smart with what you pick and choose.

TIP #4: CHECK UP AND RESEARCH ABOUT YOUR CLASSES

If you are lucky enough to pick and choose your individual classes, please for the love of god, research about them! look up your classes! read your damn unit guide! do not pick a class cause it sounds cool and fuck yourself over by not reading the prerequisites or not reading the amount of assignments related to that class.

I was dumb and did not read up on my classes nor did I research about them fully my first year. I honestly just read their mini blurb and went off my merry way which fucked me over so bad because I did not personally understand the actual contents of each one of my classes. 

literally find your class unit guide or class information online, look into what assignments have been done in the past, what kind of weightings they each have and read the stuff that you are suppose to learn even if you just get a simple Pass in the class. the more you look into a class, the better understanding you will get of what that class actually provides.

also, majority of the time, you can see what textbooks are needed so you can grab them off before the semester even properly starts. 

just as a little side tip

TIP #4.5: If you can literally pick and choose what your time table looks like, DO NOT FUCKEN GIVE YOURSELF 3-4 HOUR BREAKS BETWEEN YOUR CLASSES. You are lying to yourself when you say that you are going to be studying in those long ass breaks, like shut up. no. don’t do that to yourself.

TIP #5: DO NOT BUY YOUR TEXTBOOKS (if possible)

for the love of god, DO. NOT. BUY. YOUR. “MANDATORY”. TEXTBOOKS. it is a waste of money. you are blowing $200 minimum for a damn paper weight. I am not even kidding. I never have purchased a textbook and I never will unless that textbook is nowhere else to be found.

Be smart about your textbooks. If you are able to find a copy of your textbook in the library, BORROW THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY. my university lets us borrow copies of books for like 16 weeks at a time and my semesters last for at least 13, so it is enough to class me throughout all of class. your universities should have multiple copies of whatever textbook that you need for class. even if the library copy is a few editions older, it does not matter, the content is still the same. It is not worth forking out $200-$500 for a couple of extra pages.

If you can’t borrow a copy from the library, try and find it online. There are some generous people out there who have uploaded a free full copy of the book somewhere. If you can’t find it online, borrow a friends copy and photocopy that shit like crazy. You might end up paying like $50 worth of paper but 50 is better than 200.

AND IF YOU SERIOUSLY CANT DO THAT, go onto slugbooks.com to get your textbooks. I personally haven’t used that website myself, but I hear it’s pretty fucken good to get textbooks.

TIP #6: JOIN A CLUB/SOCIETY/FRAT/SORORITY ETC.

for your first year of uni/college, just join something. there is deadset something for everyone. you do not need to join greek life if you personally do not want to. i didn’t join greek life cause australia doesn’t really have that kind of shit.

if you like debating, there is a debating club. if you like drama, 10000% there is a drama club. if you are a strong LGBTQ+ ally or are apart of that group and you wanna meet queer people, 1000000000000% there is a club for that. i’m not even kidding you, at my first university there was a damn memes society and a quidditch society. you will most definitely find something that will interest you.

if you aren’t a big fan of clubs, that is fine. i just would personally recommend joining one so you can make friends more easily and it’s sort of like a little bit away from your studies. it’s something fun for you to enjoy and you get to meet some incredible people along the way. I am apart of VSA (Vietnamese Student Association) and I have done SOOO many things all the way to modelling, charity events, partying and planning out major events etc. all whilst meeting some new people and creating friendships.

TIP #7: LEARN WHAT TO PRIORITISE

I feel like this should be a no brainer but it is important. It is okay to have fun whilst you are at uni but it is not good nor is it smart to throw away a perfectly good education that you are paying hundreds and thousands of dollars for.

if you have a party on Saturday and an essay due on Sunday, do not go to the party. I know that there is some people who pull all nighters to finish off an assignment or to study for an exam, I am extremely guilty of that. However, that does not mean I will sacrifice one extra day of studying for a party.

this is where you have to be an adult and understand how you, yourself study the best and how you retain information the best and if you need an extra couple of days, skip out on some parties and reschedule those lunch dates and dinner dates. your friends will understand and will not judge you for wanting to studying. if your friends do judge you for wanting an education, then you should drop them.

TIP #8: LEARN TO REFERENCE

I cannot stress how important referencing is in university. That shit is an absolute fucken bitch and it does not help that there are like 5 different styles or some shit. But it is important that you learn how to reference correctly because you will lose marks for not doing it correctly and some professors/tutors are just straight assholes and will deduct like 10 marks cause you aren’t using the correct referencing style for the class.

in my experience, for first year anyway, they will teach you how to reference in your tutorials so you get the general gist of what to do and how to do it. I learnt how to reference in APA format in high school, so I am fine, but I know not alot of people learn it that early and first hear about referencing once they get to uni. so learning to reference is a big thing. a lot of my tutors recommended me installing EndNote which does the referencing for you. I personally just let Word do it for me. If you go into your Word and find ‘Document Elements’ (for Mac),  click on ‘Manage’ in the References section and a citations list will pop up. Click on the plus sign in the bottom left hand corner and just literally fill out the form and you are done.

OR IF YOU ARE A WINDOWS USER, just go to the ‘References’ tab and click ‘Insert Citation’ and then click ‘Add New Source’ then fill out the form. Then you are literally done. You basically have corrected did in-text citations within your essay along to whatever format is needed. *The only shitty thing about this method is that it will only automatically do in-text citations, not footnoting. Footnoting you will have to insert manually yourself*

After you finished with all of your citations, just click on ‘Bibliography’ and put in in as ‘Works Cited’ and literally your ENTIRE reference list will be organised into alphabetical order for you.

TIP #9: GET A CALENDAR OR DIARY

whether that shit is digital or physical, start using one. it is honestly so helpful to know when you have got assignments and exams coming up and you can kinda start planning out when is a good time to start researching or studying etc. etc.

it seems like such a small thing, but it works so well. I personally just use the iPhone calendars app and make sure it reminds me at least like a week or 2 ahead of the actual due date so I know that it’s coming up.

i also highly recommend that once you read your unit guide/class information sheet, that you write down ALL of your assignments, when they are due and how much do they weigh into your calendar/diary. because then you have no excuse to say that you never knew about it and yet you wrote it down. it also just helps you to be productive and work around/add in other dates like outings with friends into your schedule. 

TIP #10: IT IS OKAY TO FAIL

I feel like there is such an extremely high expectation to pass every single one of your class with amazing grades and graduate with like a 4.0 GPA, like for some reason that is the standard that is expected out of every uni/college student, even those attending a really shitty uni is somehow expected to be blitzing through every single one your your classes, but the truth is, you will probably fail a class and that’s okay.

trust me when i say, it is okay to fail a class. i’m not saying that you SHOULD fail a class, but if you do, it’s not the end of the world. even though I failed so many classes last year, my first university was still willing to keep me enrolled and even offered some help. staying in university/college is sort of like baseball, very simple; 3 strikes and you’re out, but even then, they will still offer you services to help you study better or if you are struggling at home or you have your own mental issues that affect your studies, there are services at university/college that will help you and it’s for free.

i cannot stress how important it is to let your university/college know that if you suffer from any sort of mental illness, have a rough background, do not have the resources to study etc. etc., that you should let them know because they can help you.

that is all of the tips and advice that i can think off at the moment. i hope this helped at least one person. if i can think of anything else/more, i’ll be sure to update this post and add it on. or if i am brave enough, maybe just do a full blown youtube video? we will see on that. BUT UNTIL THEN. I HOPE THIS HELPS AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR FIRST YEAR AT UNI OR THE REST OF YOUR YEAR AT UNI IN GENERAL !! 

[v-le]

Kmusic: My artists in 4 months

Foreword: PHEW this one took a while.... but I have really had so much on my mind lately that i knew i just HAD to churn this one out asap... I also would’ve tried to include videos rather than images but it’s a pain in the butt... I guess my vids will be top secret for now hehe. But really. a true blessing, these 4 months. Ah, I still really cant believe it..

--

If you were to ask me how I felt about my first semester at Yonsei and simply the past 4 months in Korea, from August 21st to December 23rd, I would probably just emphasize how grateful I am. But to narrow down this deep affection for all the happenings, I would have to do so in a music context. It is such a fascinating and seemingly mundane thing to go on about: Why does my music mean what it means to me to this day? How have those values shaped my experiences in Korea so far? What does it mean for me going forward? These are questions I want to ask myself, reflect upon, and continue to explore as I await to begin another journey in Korea once again.

If I rewind to when I first started listening to Korean music, it would be when I was… I don’t even know. I was exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8 years old, when my sister was sucked into the very beginnings of OG K-pop: Wonder Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, you name ‘em all. I’ve talked about this a lot, but during those days I was never particularly interested in that side of music. It didn’t make much sense to me and it just sounded mreh. But after several years of this exposure, I fell into my own K-pop obsession-hole starting with LEDApple, a very unassuming, catchy-music-making band. I was in it for the music. At first.

Okay, now fast forward past my kpop era: you can read all about it in my very extensive post from about a year ago here. But yes, lets leave that chunk of my life behind and think about where I stand from a “music maturation” perspective. Right here. Right now.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or day or time in which I fell into the “deeper” side of Korean music. I am pretty certain that it simply occurred naturally, gradually. What I know for a fact is that I owe so much of myself to my music. At any given point in my life thus far, my music has defined a large portion of my identity: it really does mean a lot to me. I am constantly listening to music. To narrow this down into my current self’s context, my music mostly consists of Roy Kim, Sam Kim, DAY6, Kim Feel, Fromm, Jung Sewoon, Eddy Kim, Kwon Jin Ah, and many many many others.

These artists, the music that they make, is not K-pop. It never will be. I don’t care what those stupid Spotify playlists call some of the songs from these musicians, but they are not and never will be K-pop. (At most DAY6 could come closest to fitting). My discovery of each and every one of these artists varies from person to person of course, but most of my sentiments remain the same all throughout. I would give my everything for these people. But I want to make it very very very clear: it is not necessarily these PEOPLE, these faces, these appearances, these artists themselves that I am oh-so enthusiastic about. It is their voice & music. That is honestly all it really comes down to at the end of day. It is and has always been about the music.

I owe my deep appreciation for my music to several various factors ranging from emotionally & mentally detached parents & family, my somewhat introverted personality, and my incessantly over-analytical mindset. However, what exactly constitutes this deep appreciation is what I want to explore. A certain fact is that I hated high school. As I grew up through the ages of 13 to 17, I completely despised the American public education system that was high school. Without getting into the complex details about my community that was the heart of Silicon Valley and the various cultural pushes, I just have to say that high school felt like a sort of mental torture for me.

And during all those times, when I needed it the most, when I felt so completely lost, when I felt like no one would listen to me, nothing could console my distressed heart and mind, I always fell back to many of those artists listed above. Particularly to Roy and Sam. I owe them SO MUCH. They literally changed my life.

Home. 영원한 건 없지만. Your Song. These three songs, my life songs. Their lyrics literally saved my life. They mean everything to me. Without these songs from Roy & Sam, I would not be where I am today.

All my artists that I mentioned make their own music. They write, compose, produce, everything. They are the true masters of their voices (see, not K-pop). And so, when I listen to them, when I absorb their voices & melodies, I can sometimes really feel their sincerity, their yearning. I am so thankful for what they have produced for this world and for my ears to hear. However, within the past 4 months, I got to see, know, understand, and FEEL these artists on a whole new level.

In chronological order, here is a list of the artists I saw live &/or in person during my time in Korea thus far:

08/31 Roy Kim & Son Seungyeon @ Picnic Concert

09/01 Monogram, Baek Yerin, Kwak Jineon, Paul Kim, Bol4, Crush, Urban Zakapa @ Someday Festival (Day 1)

09/02 Fromm, Jo Hyunah, Jung Sewoon, Roy Kim, Yong Junhyung & Yang Yoseob, K. Will @ Someday Festival (Day 2)

09/08 DAY6 @ You Made My Day Fanmeeting

09/20 Roy Kim @ SNU Fall Festival

11/02 Roy Kim & Kim Haon @ Daellim Univ. Halloween Festival

11/04 Nam Woohyun (& Jang Dongwoo, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Sungyeol) @ 식목일 (Day 3)

11/10 Fromm @ Seoul Music Forum Mini Concert & Free Fansigning

11/11 Eddy Kim @ Miles Apart Album Fansigning

11/22 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Release Showcase

12/01 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Fansigning

12/09 Fromm @ "Midnight Candy" Mini Album Release Concert

12/16 Roy Kim @ ROchestra Live Tour 2018 (Seoul Day 2)

12/21 Sam Kim @ Lotte Tower World Park Christmas Busking

12/22 DAY6 @ "The Present" Christmas Special Concert (Day 1)

Breakdown:

Free: 5 events

Paid Tix: 6 events

Album Purchase & Application: 4 events

🌹 Roy Kim: 5 times

🌚 Sam Kim: 3 times

🌓 Fromm: 3 times

🎸 DAY6: 2 times

As an avid fan of many of these artists for YEARS, like Infinite for 8 years, Roy for 5, Sam since his debut in Apr. 2016, DAY6 since their debut in Sept. 2015, Fromm for over 4 years, Eddy for over 5 years, etc etc. I NEVER thought I would actually get to see or hear these people live. Okay, granted I saw DAY6 live back in Oct. 2017 as well as Sam & the entire Antenna fam in Sept. 2017, both in LA. But doing 3 fansignings????? Meeting and talking with Fromm, Eddy Kim, AND Sam Kim???? Seeing Roy FIVE TIMES??????????? Three times for FREE, once at a festival, and then even being able to go his end-of-the-year solo concert???????? Y’all…. It was literally a dream come true. A stroke of luck tenfold. Twelvefold. I saw at least one treasured artist a total of fifteen times. Whether it was at a college busking event, the Someday music festival, a fansigning, a fanmeeting, or even a solo concert. I was somehow there.

Seeing Roy live was something I thought I would never ever ever in my lifetime get to do. As I explained in my 1st semester wrap-up post found here, Roy’s situation with school made my hopes seem very bleak from the get-go. But still, my luck persisted 5 times throughout. I almost, nearly, COMPLETELY failed to acquire a ticket for his ROchestra solo concert, Seoul Day 2 show. It was probably the most energy-draining, stressful, painful and TERRIBLE ticketing experience I have ever experienced. And trust me, I’ve done lots of ticketing before (unfortunately). But after 1 hour of staying glued to that PC bang computer screen, I managed. And I went. And maybe I’ll have to do a separate post for it, but Roy Kim’s concert on December 16th, 2018, was the best concert I have ever been to in my life. Easily. It was so breath-taking.

But yes, enough with Roy. Fromm is my ultimate indie goddess and she has a charm that is so indescribably perfect. She decided to release a mini album over a year since her last one, in the middle of November while I was there and I wanted to DIE. It was suchhhhh a solid release, and I even got to attend a free fansigning with her as well for her solo concert for the album release. I LOVE her cheeky personality so much. And she really is just sooooo kind. I couldn’t have much of a conversation with her due to the time constraint, but I at least got to snap a quick selfie heh (which i wont exposed bc privacy ya feel??). Her solo concert was gorgeous in every single way; I honestly would be willing to pay any price to go to it again in a heartbeat. Even though it was for her “Midnight Candy” album release, it was basically a Fromm discography concert because she sang EVERYTHING and I was THIS close to wanting to cry because I just felt so grateful & happy in those moments. I love her I really do. Ah, also, 2 out of the 3 times I saw her, I wrote to her & posted on Instagram and she liked both posts for me :”).

Sam…. My luck with Sam was out of this world honestly…. I still get goosebumps thinking about how blessed I was to see Sam 3 times, 2 times in very special instances. First off. He announced the release of his FIRST FULL album after a TWO YEAR & A HALF HIATUS. Y’all. This boy hadn’t released anything for 2.5 entire years since his debut and then suddenly WHAM he does it. Somehow right when I was in Korea. AH… I still….. I’m still screaming inside. I screamed aloud in my room for a good 5 minutes straight when I first saw the news, and yes, to this day I am still screaming. His three pre-release tracks were GORGEOUS & Sun And Moon, track 1, literally brought me to tears without even trying. I had been missing his voice and presence for so long…

And then, for the full album release, Antenna announced a post in which if you pre-order his album when it comes out & email the Antenna staff with the receipt showing proof, you will be put in a drawing to attend his live showcase on the night of its release. OHMYGOSH. I knew I had to do it. I struggled a little bit & even felt like I was doing everything so untimely, but I am SO blessed that I really was able to order & pay for it, shoot Antenna an email real quick, and then nervously await my results for like a week. That one Friday the results were to be emailed out, I remembering feeling extremely anxious all throughout the day. I desperately wanted to go…. And at 6:00PM…. I got the email!!!!! I was literally shaking, hands & knees trembling and everything. I actually got invited to the ‘Sun And Moon’ 1st Album Showcase!!! Y’all!!! It was so amazing. It was the night before I had to leave to Taiwan early in the morning so it was quite stressful, but still!!!!! I felt so honored to be there that night: the venue was extremely intimate and Sam was soooososoooo gooooddd and the tracks he sang were sooo beautiful and just… everything about it was like a dream. I was truly blessed.

A week later…. Antenna announced Sam’s first FANSIGNING & once again I was overwhelmed with this “OMG I WANT TO GO, but how, should I really, but what about….??”. It was a physical album-purchase-based application process which means I had to go to this specific bookstore in Gangnam, buy x-amount of albums, and based on that amount, my name will be put into a drawing that many times. Very basic fansigning grounds. I already pre-ordered his album for the showcase, so I honestly didn’t really need another one… but I decided to test my luck & just purchase 1 measly album & see if that ONE album will help me get chosen. And o boy. I GOT IN :”)). When I saw my name on that list in the official fancafe post, I couldn’t believe it….

On the day of the fansigning which was happening inside a mall, starting at a certain time I was able to walk in and choose a random number from 1-100 and since I arrived early, I got to choose pretty early as well. When I saw my number I literally gasped aloud: #7. I know it’s a corny & cliché favorite number but only bc infinite ok. Being #7 meant that I literally say FRONT & CENTER of the stage…not even stage. There wasn’t a stage... it was just an open area. My turn came around very quickly because I was early and let’s just say I was a fking mess, repeating thank you over and over & literally, incessantly telling him how thankful I am for his music and how grateful that after all that time he took to came back, he came right when I was in Korea and how I was at Antenna in LA & his showcase too and thank you thank you, yadda yadda. Yeah…..I suck at these things I really do. Then, at the end of it all, he took a picture with the crowd of fans and ended up sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME LMAOOOOOOO. Okay here is a picture of maybe my biggest life accomplishment??? jk but no rly LOL.

look ma, i made it :”)

But really, the fact that I actually got to talk to Sam & just try to relay all my thanks that I have been owing to him for many years… wow… I’m still in shock and I am just so eternally thankful. I used to think to myself “damn, I wish I could talk to Sam one day” and damn…. I really did do it…

Eddy Kim was also another meeting that I could have only dreamed of before coming to Korea… His last release was 4 goddamn years ago oh my gosh… This fansign application was not a random drawing like Sam’s but just a “buy his album at this bookstore & u get in” sort of thing. To be honest I could blatantly tell that Eddy’s popularity is definitely not as comparable to the other artists that I cherish & I was quite shocked by this revelation. I knew for sure in America, who the hell would ever know him. But even in Korea, he seemed… just really not that well-known, especially from a music perspective. It was interesting and even a little disheartening to see. He was very kind & cutely impressed with my Korean skills and we literally just talked in a bunch of Konglish & once again I just kept repeating how thankful I was for his music in my life. How I waited for so long and his release literally matched up with my time there as well. Even though I never got to hear Eddy sing live, I am more than happy with the fact that I simply got to chat with him & relay my heart as best as possible.

After doing 3 full fansignings I have fully realized that as grateful for the opportunities I am, they are so difficult and stressful… To be given such a short amount of time to spill out my heart is essentially impossible for me LOL. I’d rather much LOVE to just to sit down with these artists not to fangirl or cry, but to have a real, genuine conversation about their music and why it holds so much sentiment for me. I would love to ask questions about their music and I would love to share with them how much it means me & why I am so thankful at the end of the day. That’s what I really wish I could do. Because even as I hurriedly expressed my countless thanks and probably sounded like a hot mess, I feel like I still just came off as a surface-level fan saying their thanks. But noo! In reality, I just wanted to relay how much their music means to me (I literally just typed this wow repetition is gr8). Which I feel like I really couldn’t do properly… I couldn’t get my heart across all the way ☹ but it’s okay because as I’ve been repeating, I am infinitely thankful nonetheless.

My first DAY6 event, their 3rd year anniversary 1st fanmeeting, was a bit of a flop for me simply because they talked wayyyyy to much & played stupid games & everything… and it was cute, but not what I was there for. I kinda wished I heard more of them singing, but it’s okay. In no way am I undermining this monumental day because I know it meant a lot to the boys & fans collectively. Jae could not participate due to health reasons & it definitely put a huge damper on the entire atmosphere, but the members tried their best and the entire audience even consistently sang aloud all of Jae’s parts during the songs when his voice was not there. They also sang a never-before-released track with Jae and they all just cried a bunch and me, sitting there, watching those light-wrist-band-thingies glow & beam & shine in-sync with the music, all sorts of colors, in a massive wave of lights & fanchants & music sewn together… wow it was honestly stunning & one of the most awesome spectacles I’ve ever experienced. Korean fans are really something else….

Speaking of which, attending 15 events during my 4 months there taught me many things about Korean concerts & fans that I find so extremely fascinating.

For most concerts, whether they are super hype-y & K-pop-y or a ballad one with minimal need for movement, when there are seats, fans with stay seated for the most part. In America, I feel like all fans tend to automatically stand (for basically all K-pop acts) regardless of the seating. But in Korea, at my experiences with DAY6 in particular (I also have heard that BTS in Seoul was the same), fans stayed sitting basically all throughout. The most like bodily movements they require would be the waving of their lightsticks. It was honestly pretty refreshing to see a generally calm & collected audience, at least where there was seating.

The fanchants are out of this world !!!!! Especially for the 2 times I saw DAY6, the fans were so on point with their fanchants: they were loud and clear and crisp AND THEY MATCHED WITH THE LIGHTS ON THEIR WRISTBANDS AND EVERYTHING wow was that so cool to see… The fans are super in unison & it honestly adds such a new level of energy to the experience.

SINGING !! Of course, since all these fans are Korean, they can actually sing all of these songs at concerts, unparalleled to international fans lol. One really cool moment at DAY6 that I will probably remember forever simply because this song is gorgeous & means a lot to me… but at day 1 of DAY6’s ‘The Present’ xmas concert series, Wonpil said “We’ve been on world tour for a while now and I’ve been wanting to try this out… if I play this song, can you sing for me?” and of course we all unconditionally said yes. And he started to play 그렇더라고요 on the keyboard & the ENTIRE AUDIENCE caught on immediately & we all sang the entire intro & first verse together in unison, as loud as we could, as the members joined in one by one w/ their own instruments, just watching us as we SANG FOR THEM. It was so cute & we even did it again with 장난 아닌데. This sort of stuff…. Wow…. Can only really happen at a domestic concert, which was honestly so so so beautiful. I LOVED IT!!!

No crazy, constant screaming during every part of the performance. Fans in Korea honestly only scream when necessary… ya feel? Sometimes at concerts, I feel like fans are just screaming at the top of the lungs the entire time, during every second of a song. But Korean fans chant when there is a chant, and cheer & scream when it really fits the situation. I really liked this more toned-down atmosphere from the Korean audiences.

I think that’s all I can really narrow down from my various experiences at Korean concerts compared to the ones in America… It really is quite different though, and I feel so honored to have witnessed this comparison countless times. I am really just honored to be there at those moments in general.

Which brings back around to this… upgraded level of connection towards my artists. After seeing so many of them in person and more than once for that matter, when listening to their music now… something definitely sounds different. When I listened to these artists before I saw them right in front of my eyes, their real, authentic voices blasting into my ears, I still felt moved, I still felt goosebumps, choked up, a bulging affection sometimes. And not that I have lost those feelings, no, definitely not. Now… now, when I listen to these artists through my earbuds or through my laptop… I can literally hear them in my ear. Does that even make sense? Well, duh… of course I can hear them. But like… it’s like… I can hear them on a much more intimate level than ever before. Now, I can really imagine & sense these voices in my head. I can pick up the sound of their breaths, picture their expressions, and really just HEAR their voices as if they were physically singing into my ear right there in that moment, in person. It’s such a peculiar and special and unique feeling that is honestly so hard to describe with just words…

But to be honest like… to this day I still cannot wrap my head around everything. I can barely count and keep track of all the artists I saw and when I saw them and what they sang. I feel like SO MUCH happened that my mind can barely grasp it all, as much as it wants to do so so badly… I still can barely comprehend it… years ago I would cry to Sam Kim, ponder how amazing he would be live… and then literally somehow, he sang two songs like 7 feet in front of me, and even sat right next to me. I thought Fromm was a goddess from another world: but I somehow got to talk to her & even take a selfie?? What?? I thought the world would never let me see Roy who always has his school life to manage as well…. But I got to see him live 5 times?? And even go to his solo concert?? WHAT??????? HOW????????? YOU GUYS, I could honestly go on and on and on because it still all feels like a dream…

In particular with Roy Kim… I say this to myself all the time, the irony is just… wow. Who would’ve known that after years of watching countless fancams, effortlessly memorizing his scarce yet existent fanchants, also memorizing set-lists without even trying, becoming all-too-familiar with things like the way he talks, addresses the crowd, sings specific songs, even all the way down to the way he does adlibs for certain songs… I unknowingly picked up & knew these performance aspects SO WELL through pure admiration, enthusiasm and just LOVE for every song he sings. And who would’ve known, that years later, I would have my very own fancams to cry over. After years of literally watching almost EVERY fancam of him on youtube, at all the various events he performed at, some years more frequently than others, today I can proudly say that I have my very own fancams of him, too. Ohmygosh, it’s still so hard for me to believe…

It really just….. *breathes deeply & tries to recollect self for the 24980164th time*…. It just goes to show… No, okay I don’t really know what it goes to show… But one thing is a fact: loving, cherishing, being thankful for, dedicating so much of my emotional & mental strength towards these seemingly-no-one artists has paid off tenfold. No, billionfold. I don’t even know. I just…. I just never thought I could do and see and hear and experience the things that I did. Never. These people…. These people have given me so much, and although I tucked them deep into the folds of my heart for years, I never thought I could truly open up these treasured feelings one day & TRULY support them with my very own eyes & ears & heart. IN person. I am just so so so blessed. So thankful. Really. Always.

Now, it’s time to bring myself to reality & to think about what this means for me going forward. I don’t want to believe in my passion for my music as a phase: Infinite & all things K-pop wasn’t simply a phase for me. It literally was a maturation, a self-realization, a loss of support for the things I never really knew or understood until time started to pass. I don’t think I grew out of K-pop. I think I simply grew with K-pop & got to understand more about it. And with that understanding came a change of heart. Which is literally the title of my post from years ago: “why I fell out of love with K-pop”. It’s not just “Oh, I am older now. So, I don’t want to like this seemingly childish stuff”. No, it was never about K-pop’s image or whatever. I can’t emphasize more, but it always comes down to the music for me.

Infinite has been and is a piece of my life that I will never forget. A piece of my life that has literally brought me to where I am today. I sit here, with my experiences and knowledge and feelings, in part, due to Infinite. I can guarantee anyone that much. And so, no, they really weren’t just a phase. Things change, people grow older, time flows. That’s just how it works. Does my heart ache over old K-pop like every day? Hell yeah it does LOL. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only thank old & 2nd-gen K-pop for the amazing memories that it has given me.

And so, with my music and my artists today, is this all a phase? Will I stop being as enthusiastic years later, like I did with Infinite? You see, with Infinite, I was always apprehensive. At the age of 12, I KNEW that time would eventually take its toll & my blatant love would not necessarily transcend the years that will drag on in the future. But that never made my appreciation for them dim: it only grew stronger as the days went by. I think I am always apprehensive. I think I always fear losing the feelings that I feel with great passion & love at this moment in time. Just as Roy says, 영원한 건 없지만. Nothing lasts forever (but...). I literally think about this all the time. It is such an important concept to me, and it is how I motivate myself to be thankful for everything and everyone and to just take things one step at a time. And so, to really answer my question: is this all just a phase?

I really, honestly, hope… No, I just think not. I really do not think so. At the age of say, 24, five years from now, will I still be loving Roy & Sam & DAY6 & Fromm & everyone else? I really honestly hope so. For as long as they can make music, I can keep loving them, right? Just as Infinite has done since I was 11, 8 years ago, up until today, I firmly believe that my artists can continue this long-lasting impression on my life. They instill a sort of magic & sentiment in my life that almost nothing else in this world can do for me. And for that, I will stay grateful for & only hope for the best.

Roy is currently back in school right now, finishing up his last semester before he finally gets to graduate! I am excited and proud and a bit sad all at the same time. But honestly, it really just comes down to the humanness of these people. When I first saw Infinite back in 2013 as a lil 14 year-old, I guess you could say I was starstruck. I was like “that’s them??!?? Those dudes ive spent countless hours watching through the computer screen?????? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME?”. I had similar thoughts at the LA K-pop Festival in Apr. 2014 when I saw many many many of the big, og k-pop groups at that time. It was hard to believe that these people are real. I would say that my experience with the “With Antenna” in LA concert back in Sept. 2017 made me come to this important realization. That was the first concert where I actually spent the entire time sitting down and just listening. Listening to these wonderful musicians playing their instruments & singing gorgeous songs & just absorbing all that godly magic in the air at that place in time.

I really got to feel how human artists are at the end of the day. K-pop is always built up to be this larger-than-life dynamic, but real artists… No, they’re so much more different. They are simply people, like you and me, with a passion for their music & they wish to share that passion with the rest of the world. That’s it. The sincerity & genuineness that goes into my artists’ music can literally be felt from all the way across the world, just through a few audio snippets, fancams, and grainy Instagram videos. And that is seriously so beautiful. They are so amazing at what they do, they truly are.

Roy’s last two songs from 2018 were purely love song ballads, and I am not complaining or anything. As solid and classic as these tracks were, I still miss that acoustic, healing tone from him. Before he left for school again, he mentioned several times that he wants to come back with music that will console listeners. I was honestly so genuinely happy to hear this. He knows, he honestly, really does. He has even said it before, but he knows that his music can literally lift people back up from the dead. He wants to do that for them. For you and me, who struggle in life when the going gets rough, he wants to be of some sort of help, no matter how minuscule. He knows, he really does. And that is just so beautiful. I am so proud of him & I can’t wait to see what he will have in store for us in the coming months (after his grad, that is).

To all my artists that made these 4 months feel like a literal dream: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. Thank you. Always.

늘 고마워요.

[jjkfire]

You’ve Got Me (Wrapped Around Prequel)

Reader x Tae // College!AU // 10k words

Summary: One frat party, one game and a subsequent unplanned meeting later, comes a thousand feelings you did not ask for.

Genre: Fluff, Smut 

A/N: This is a prequel (kind of) to Wrapped Around and is purely Tae based! (even if Jimin is mentioned a few times here and there) so if you’re a pure team Jimin pls don’t read and get upset ok tq! (: Sorry this took like 10 years but !!! had to get this out so I can work on the finale to wrapped around hehe.

“Listen here…” You pause, waiting for the man before you to tell you his name.

“Jimin,” He replies.

“Right, Jimin,” You smile. “I just need to talk to Hoseok. I’m not even going to drink.”

“That’s what they all say,” He scoffs and you let out an annoyed groan because damn it you really weren’t interested in drinking tonight, especially not when you have a 9am lab to attend tomorrow… which was exactly why you were here in the first place.

“If you just want to talk to him, then call him.”

“You think I haven’t tried that??” You grumble while attempting to side step him but he’s quick to stand in your way, his hand held out in front of you.

“5 dollars.”

“I just want to talk to Hoseok for like 1 minute so, hell no, I’m not paying you 5 bucks.”

“Then you’re not stepping inside.”

“Are you even a part of this frat?” You grumble, annoyed.

“Yes…” He murmurs and just by that, you know that he isn’t but you can’t really find it in you to give a shit right now.

“Fuck, you know what? Take it,” You exhale, reaching into your pocket to give him the 5 dollars, pushing past him the moment his grimy hands take it from you.

The smell of beer and sweat fills your nose the instant you take a step into the house and if it were any other night, you wouldn’t be the slightest bit bothered but considering the fact that you are both stone cold sober and infuriated, the foul smell only adds on to your anger.

Within seconds of scanning the living area, you spot your one and only satan spawn of a lab partner, Jung Hoseok and where else would he be other than standing by the beer pong table. Okay, it’s not like you hate him, he’s truly a great person, nice and fun to hang out with but good god, he had to be the worst lab partner on the entire earth. This guy just never came prepared, sometimes missing his lab goggles, always missing his pre-lab report which by the way is the only reason he’s ever early to lab because he’ll just copy it off from you. The both of you are almost always the last pair to leave because he never understands what he’s doing which is probably due to the fact that he’s usually hungover. As you work on the post lab report, you wonder why of all people you could’ve been paired up with, you were paired up with him.

As much as you ‘hate’ him though, he’s the reason you have parties to attend on the weekends, the reason you met your best friend Solji and if it weren’t for the fact that he was the nicest, kindest boy you’ve ever met, you would’ve told on him to your TA, ages ago. You’ve carried his ass through the first two months of college now but tomorrow’s lab is dubbed the hardest lab of the semester and you want to make sure his ass isn’t going to be half dead tomorrow.

“Hoseok, you piece of shit. I told you no drinking tonight,” You groan, grabbing the red solo cup out of his hand.

“Y/N! You said you weren’t going to come,” He smiles. “I’m glad you’re here. Let’s get you a drink!”

“No drinks, asshole! You heard what our TA said,” You grumble. “It’s not called the lab from hell for nothing.”

“Just one drink.”

“Fuck no!” You exhale, pulling your hand out of his hold. “Did you at least read the procedure for tomorrow?”

“No…”

“Hoseok, please,” You beg. “Just once, just this one time. Please, please read it.”

“I—”

“Hoseok, come on dude, let’s play! I finally got Hyeri here to agree!” You hear a boy say from the other end of the beer pong table and before Hoseok can take a single step, you’re standing in his way.

“No, Hoseok. If you’re even thinking of playing, I’m going to request for a partner change.”

The smile on his face immediately fades and he stands rooted in his spot.

“I can’t play Tae, not tonight,” He shouts out and you smile because wow, you didn’t know it’d be that easy to get him to listen. “But, my friend here is down to play if you are.”

Wait, what?

“Uhh, no I’m not,” You laugh. “I said I’m not drinking tonight.”

“And you won’t be, if you play it right.”

“It’s beer pong Hoseok,” You scoff. “You’re going to have to drink at some point.”

“No, no. This is fear pong,” He grins, an almost evil aura radiating from his smile.

“The fuck’s that?”

“Well, there’s 6 cups and there’s 3 dare cups and 3 drink cups each. For the dare cups, you can either choose to do them or drink the cup instead as a punishment. So as long as you do all the dares, you don’t have to drink anything because Jimin here’s going to be your designated drinker for the three drink cups—“

“Wait, why am I being dragged into this?” Jimin questions but Hoseok ignores him, shooing him away with a wave of a hand.

“—but if you skip a dare…”

“Yeah, no, it’s gonna be a hard pass for me,” You shake your head.

“I’ll actually do my pre-lab this time and work on the post-lab with you if you play.”

What’s that? A miracle? Sure sounded like one.

“You promise?”

“Yes.”

You take a second to ponder the offer, weighing your choices heavily.

“And you get money if you win. Half of whatever Jimin collected from the front.”

That’s it. That’s what seals the deal because fuck that’s the guy who made you pay the damn 5 dollars and you’ll be damned if you leave here without getting it back.

“Alright, we’re on.”

The boy standing across you seems to be a crowd favourite because everyone’s cheering him on. Taehyung, you think is his name and as you watch the coin flip in the air, you have a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that this is a bad idea.

Perhaps it’s your fault for agreeing to play this game, for not asking what the dares were going to be like but really what could you have expected from a frat house? You lose the coin toss and Taehyung gets the first throw which lands right smack in the cup at the top of the pyramid. Honestly, you’re not too surprised… the boys here would probably list down professional beer pong player on their resume if they could.

You grab the cue card from beneath the cup and you glare at Hoseok. This bitch. He knew these were the kind of dares that are written on these cards and he didn’t tell you.

“Read it out loud,” Taehyung says and you let out a heavy sigh.

“Let your opponent spank you twice.”

The smile on Taehyung’s face tells you he’s more than excited to and although the idea of being publicly spanked in front of a room of strangers is not really something you want to try out on a Thursday night, you’ve got a lab report on the line here. Do it for the GPA, do it for the GPA, is all you can say to yourself.

From the back of the room, you see something akin to a paddle being passed forward and then a riding crop and for a second your heart stops beating.

“W-wha—”

“What fun is it if it’s just my hand?” Taehyung smirks.

“No way, wait! No this is… no.”

“If you’re not up to it, then drink,” Hoseok grins and you glare at him because you’re this close to knocking him out with a punch.

“Fuck, fine,” You relent, agreeing to the dare. “Make it quick,” You exhale because really what was 5 seconds of embarrassment to you if you’d actually get help on the lab report this time.

Though Taehyung exudes an aura that screams fuckboy, you’re thoroughly surprised when he still stops to ask if you’re really okay with it and when you say you are, he of course asks if he could touch your ass to which you allow with a shrug of your shoulders because he was already going to spank you anyway. Honestly, what could be worse than this?

You can literally feel Taehyung buzzing with excitement behind you as you place your hands on the table, bending forward, your behind on full display for him and honestly speaking, you fully regret not walking away when that Jimin guy asked you to pay him $5 for entry. Was Hoseok really going to be that much help anyway? Is your question but all of that fades when you feel Taehyung’s hand on your ass.

“Gotta warm it up first, don’t I?” He simpers, his hand calmly stroking the curve of your ass and at that, an involuntary shiver runs up your spine.

“You ready babe?”

He doesn’t even let you answer his question as his hand comes down hard onto your flesh and you try your hardest to keep your expression blank, lips pursed, not wanting anyone to know that maybe, just maybe, you were enjoying this.

“Are we feeling the paddle or the riding crop?” He questions and though neither looked particularly enticing to you, you choose the riding crop.

You turn back to see Taehyung wielding the paddle instead and he sends you a little wink as he lines up his next hit. Of course he picks the opposite of what you had went for, you sigh. Perhaps you should be feeling fear, watching him hold a wooden paddle that looked like it could knock someone out but truth be told, you feel excitement bubbling within you.

You shut your eyes, bracing yourself for impact but it never comes and just when you turn back to ask what was taking him so long, you feel a hard smack, a gasp leaving your lips as you register what had just happened. Taehyung tries not to laugh but your shocked expression only makes it harder and soon enough you start laughing too.

You remove your hands from the table, taking the time to smooth your palm over your bottom that was still tingling.

“I went a little too hard, didn’t I?”

“Maybe just a little,” You laugh.

“I’m uhh Taehyung by the way,” He smiles sheepishly. “Thought it’d only be appropriate to introduce myself after our spank session.”

“It’s the best way to meet someone, isn’t it?” You grin. “I’m Y/N.”

“Okay, less talking, more fear pong!” Hoseok shouts before dragging you away back to your end of the table.

You hadn’t even made it back yet but you could already hear the ball landing into another one of the cups, the crowd chanting his name and it only sounds like it’s going to be an awfully long night for you.

“Strip your opponent down to his underwear using only your teeth,” You mumble, reading the dare written on the card and okay, you think maybe one drink for the sake of your dignity would be alright. After all, what’s a cup of beer?

“Thinking of drinking?” Taehyung calls out.

You look down into the contents of the drink only to find it isn’t the familiar fizzy yellow liquid but instead a dark red concoction.

“What’s in this?”

“Gin, Vodka, Tequila—”

“So everything?”

“Basically.”

You shake your head at that knowing full well that Hoseok had a hand in making whatever this hell jungle juice is.

You hold the cup in your hand and the cue card in your other, unsure of what to do.

Do it! Do it! You hear the crowd chant but you don’t know which one they mean.

“I’ll do the dare,” You sigh, settling the cup off to the side and Taehyung giddily skips to the middle, having no qualms about being stripped down to his briefs.

“At least buy me dinner first before trying to get me naked,” Taehyung laughs as you instruct him to lift up his hands.

“Shut up,” You grumble but there’s a light laugh at the end of your warning.

You assume this is hilarious to everyone else who was watching the two of you awkwardly spin around the room, trying to get Taehyung’s t-shirt off without the use of your hands and though you try not to laugh, you find the whole situation so odd that there’s no other way to cope than to laugh. After the third try, you finally get his shirt off and at this point, you’re already exhausted.

“You’re not giving up, are you?” Hoseok asks, his phone in your face and of course, of course he’s recording everything.

You only shove a middle finger in his direction, pushing him away.

Awkwardly, you sink to your knees, your mouth inches away from where the button of his jeans was. At this moment in time, you decide that you absolutely hate fear pong.

“Nervous?” Taehyung smirks, looking down at you. “Or are you thinking about something else?” He lifts his eyebrows, a devious smile on his lips.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” You sigh.

With that, you get to work, trying your hardest to unbutton his pants with only your teeth however the hoots from around the room only make you feel like shrinking away. But, the faster you get this done, the faster you’ll be out of this house and warm under your sheets and that thought alone gives you enough strength to drown out the noises that the crowd is making.

To your surprise, you unbutton his jeans with ease on the second try, leaving Taehyung speechless momentarily, only momentarily though because he always seemed to have a comment for everything.

“Had a lot of practice, have you?”

“Maybe,” You shrug, before moving to unzip him and you stare up at him as you do so, sending him a wink just as you reach the end because hey, you might as well have fun while you were at it, right? Taehyung swears he could feel his blood rush to exactly one place he didn’t want it to at this very moment and he curses under his breath, wishing more than anything that it was just you and him that was in this room. You begin to tug his pants down towards the floor with your teeth and Taehyung thinks of anything gross or unappealing to quell his almost boner.

Calmly, you saunter your way back to your end of the table, waiting for Taehyung to get back to his side and get the show on the road.

“Having a little problem over there, Tae?” Hoseok question with a lift of his eyebrows and you can hear the people around the room tease him, Taehyung’s cheeks now beginning to turn bright red. You should feel bad, you really should but hey he had his share of embarrassing you too.

Maybe it was a mistake to laugh at him and tease him because he lands his next shot with ease and your mind goes blank as you stare at the cue card in your hand.

“Make out with your opponent for 20 seconds.”

There are cheers around the room, the game finally getting interesting and you glance down at the cup in front of you. Would you still be standing after one drink? Was it a risk you were willing to take?

“Oh come on,” Tae leers. “You’ve already got me almost fully naked.”

“Fine, fine,” You mumble, meeting him once again by the middle of the table. You hope to god he misses his next shot because the dares only seem to get worse and worse.

Hoseok can already see the gears turning in your mind and he knows what you’re going to do, stand there like a statue and only allow Tae small pecks but no, he’s having none of that.

“It’s going to have to be a full make-out session,” Hoseok announces. “We see any of that lame shit and the both of you have to down one of the cups and try again.”

“Well then,” Taehyung grins. “How about we don’t try at all so we can have a round two?”

“In your dreams,” You scoff. “Unless... you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re a bad kisser.”

“Babe, I’m the best kisser in this room,” He smirks before letting his hands cup your cheeks, his lips already on yours before you can think of a witty comment.

You don’t want to admit it but heck, Taehyung is one hell of a kisser. His lips are soft and plushy and boy does he know the right balance between give and take because he leans in closer deepening the kiss and then he’s pulling back slightly, forcing you to move forward, to rest closer against him. You can feel him smirk against your lips before his tongue swipes at them begging for you to part them and as much as your mind tells you not to, you do anyway. You’re already in this deep, you sigh. Might as well give the crowd a show, no? Your fingers tug at his hair as his tongue just begins to—

“Time’s up!” Hoseok shouts and you pull away instantly, still in quite a daze but you shake it off, walking back to your side of the table. Taehyung seems to be even more of a daze than you, his pupils blown wide with lust, his hair a complete mess, courtesy of you and as he steps up to take his shot, you silently pray that he misses it.

There’s a light clink! as the ball hits the edge of a cup, bouncing off the table and you let out a scream of delight, punching a fist in the air.

“Guess I was that good of a kisser huh?” You laugh, looking at Taehyung who was running his hand through his hair in disappointment.

Taehyung weirdly has no witty reply to your comment, only passing you the cup that held the rest of the ping-pong balls.

You stand there, lining up your shot, to which cup you’re not sure but you’re hoping it lands in at least one of them.

The crowd cheers, the ball landing in one of the 6 cups and when Taehyung lifts the cup to see the cue card say DRINK!, in all capital letters, he doesn’t hesitate to down the drink, his face scrunching up in disgust as the alcohol burns his throat.

The next cup you land, is another drink cup and honestly, you’re glad because this means if you don’t make the shot after this, you’re thinking he’s going to have a hard time landing a shot in the other three remaining cups you have just by the way he puts a hand on the table to stop himself from swaying. You wonder how he managed to the 3 dare cups when he was the one making the shots. You sure would’ve loved to see Jimin having to drink for you.

The liquid in the cup sloshes from side to side as you make yet another shot and Taehyung lifts the cup, finding that the cue card finally says DARE! He’s not sure if he should be happy or—

Happy, oh heck yeah he’s happy because—

“Let your opponent lick whipped cream off of you,” Taehyung reads out and he already has a smirk on. “I don’t mind that,” He smiles.

“What?”

“So there’s chest, tummy or thighs. Take your pick.”

“Hold on. This isn’t fair… it’s like a dare for me too!”

“Don’t question fear pong. If you say no, then you have to drink my drink for me.”

“Fine,” You grunt. “I’ll do tummy.”

“Aww, are you sure you’re not more of a thigh girl?”

You roll your eyes at him, not even bothering to reply to his question.

Hoseok in your opinion is a little too excited about the whole situation, spreading more than enough whipped cream over Taehyung’s middle, making sure it trailed all the way down to the waistband of his boxers, even threatening to go down further. With a sigh, you bend down to lick it all off and you imagine this would be a lot less awkward if there weren’t about 50 people gathered around you, all watching intently.

“You missed a spot,” He points to the area just above his boxers, the spot you had purposely avoided.

With a huff, you quickly lick off the remainder and Taehyung has to hold his breath, trying hard not to picture you moving down further.

“Happy?”

“Very,” He smirks before returning to his side of the table, his steps unsteady as the alcohol has clearly hit him already.

You want nothing more than for this game to end quickly so the moment he stands behind the cups, you steady your hand for another throw, the crowd cheering as the ball lands in yet another one of the red cups.

“Let your opponent wax your armpit hair off,” He reads and by the way his voice grows small, you can already tell you’re going to enjoy this one. Maybe, fear pong wasn’t that bad after all.

“Aren’t you a little too excited for this?” He asks as you warm up the wax strip between your hands.

“Maybe,” You shrug. “Don’t worry, it’s only going to hurt… a lot,” You smile wickedly and he gulps, his face crumpling in fear.

There’s murmurings around the room as you stand before the already shirtless Taehyung, his hand lifted above his head and you tear the strip apart, placing it neatly over his underarm. You don’t even bother to ask him if he was ready before you pull the strip downward, ripping all of his hair clean from his armpit. There’s a loud scream, one Taehyung tries to muffle with his other hand but it’s no use. Everyone in the room bursts into laughter, many phones already out to record the whole ordeal. You wave the second wax strip in front of him and he begs you for mercy. You look to Hoseok and he gives you a shake of the head, which meant sorry, no mercy and you almost laugh at the whimper that escapes Taehyung’s throat when you smooth the wax strip on his other under arm.

Taehyung returns to his spot with an obvious frown, pressing a few touches to his sticky underarms.

“Should’ve drank,” He grumbles and in the time he is able to get that sentence out, he hears the ball hit the side of the cup and he’s filled with hope, but there’s a splash sound that accompanies it right after. Damn it. With a sigh, he picks up the cup, unsure if he enjoyed seeing the word DARE! anymore but as he reads the cue card, he thinks yeah, he does like seeing the four lettered word.

“Give your opponent a lap dance for a minute,” He smirks. “I mean I’m already in my underwear so I might as well,” He shrugs.

You’re blushing wildly as you are forced to sit in a chair in the middle of the room. Hoseok, ever the excited boy puts on Ginuwine’s Pony on the speakers. In your mind, you have Channing Tatum’s Magic Mike routine playing and you freeze because if Taehyung is going to do anything similar, you’re not sure if you’re going to be able to leave this chair, still breathing.

Taehyung stands a few steps away from you, prowling over to you before he stops in front of the chair, dropping down to grind the floor, maintaining eye contact with you as he did so, his bottom lip between his teeth and the crowd gathered around screams, cheering him on. You have your lips pursed, eyes trained on him, something Hoseok had said was a requirement but you think it’s hardly a challenge to keep your eyes on him, especially when he moved like that.

Taehyung stands up, rolling his body sensuously to the music as he steps closer towards you, his legs now on either side of the chair as he hovers above you, his tongue poking out to run over his lips. You swallow nervously, unable to hide the shy smile on your face, your hands placed by your side, forming tight fists as you watch him grind and thrust against you, his moves in sync with the beat. He smirks down at you, grabbing one of your hands, forcing your fist open before he places your hand on his chest, trailing it salaciously up and down, winking at you as he did so. You can’t help but laugh at the situation you’re in, it’s the only way you can cope with the embarrassment and Taehyung takes the way you ease up as a good sign. He places your hands on his hips as he grinds down on your lap, his hands cupping your heated cheeks. He wants nothing more than to taste your lips again, especially now that you’re all shy and giggly, as if mere minutes ago you hadn’t teased him after dragging his zipper down with your teeth. He wants to grind on you until you beg for more, silence your needy whines with kisses as he slips his hand down past the band of your pants to find you drip—

“That’s a minute! Time’s up!”

You’re still laughing as you slide the chair back, getting up to make your way back to the table. Taehyung take his spot on the other side, feeling rather light headed but he’s pretty sure it didn’t have to do with the copious amounts of alcohol he has consumed tonight.

Cheers ring around the room as you manage to land the ball in the final cup and Taehyung finds the cup being shoved in his hand as the room chants for him to down the drink, which he does with no qualms. It’s his first loss at fear pong or even beer pong for that matter ever since the beginning of the semester. Hoseok has his head in his hands, unable to believe that you had been able to make the shot. He had thought full well that like always, Taehyung would demolish his opponent but here he was watching as one of the frat members takes a polaroid picture of you, your face making it onto the frat’s acclaimed wall of fame of which contained a dozen or so pictures of Taehyung, the former reigning champion of fear pong.

“You better come prepared or I’m going to wring your neck,” You warn, waving the huge wad of cash Hoseok had just given you. He nods, reassuring you that he’s going to be the best lab partner you’ve ever seen and with that, you’re out the door, counting each dollar all the way home.

“You’re taking the loss pretty hard,” Hoseok laughs, patting Taehyung on the back to bring him out of his daze. “Thanks to you, I actually have to know what I’m doing in lab tomorrow.”

Taehyung only lets out a light laugh, nodding before he makes his way to the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water. He sits on the counter swinging his legs as he twists the cup in hand. To be honest, he wasn’t feeling down about losing, au contraire, he doesn’t feel the slightest bit of regret playing that match against you. It’s the fact that you remind him of her, remind him of Mina that has his mind running infinite loops. He thought he had gotten rid of her and all feelings tied to her but if how he spends his weekends chasing skirts was any indication, he’d say he was merely trying to fill the massive void he felt in his chest.

It’s fine, he reasons. He doubts he’ll see you again because that’s just how college is. You could go all 4 years without meeting the same person you had seen in your first few months on campus.

College.

It’s everything Taehyung had expected with the frat parties and binge drinking and yet it’s also everything he hadn’t expected.

If you think high school is hard, just wait until you get to college.

Taehyung had heard that very line being repeated to him close to a hundred times while he was in school and yet he thinks no matter how many times he has heard it wouldn’t have prepared him for just how hard it would be. See, everyone always describes the academic rigour, the unreasonable professors and the struggles of balancing one’s social and academic life, but no one talks about how going to college could make you feel like you were wrong about yourself your whole life.

Taehyung for the most part didn’t struggle in high school. In fact, he cruised through it while doing the bare minimum. He was smart but lazy and abhorrently proud of the fact that he could get the grades while putting in very little work. The fact that he scored high nineties baffled everyone because even with the fact that he always half-assed everything, he always made sure he was right where he wanted to be, grades-wise. He always did just enough.

Enough.

It would come to be a word Taehyung hates when he gets to college because no matter how hard he tried, he was never good enough which was an entirely foreign concept to him.

They tell you that you have to hit the ground running when you get to college because freshmen year, seeing as it is most probably the easiest year, is where you build your GPA up and he followed that advice to the tee. He stayed on top of his homework, never missed a quiz, went to every lecture, all of which was more than he ever did in high school and yet after the first wave of midterms, he found himself just barely hitting the average mark. He works harder the next time around, putting in twice maybe even three times the amount of work his peers put in and again he finds himself at the class average. Perhaps to some, hitting that average mark is enough but for someone who was the best without even trying, he felt his self-esteem corrode with every exam.

Taehyung had never felt so lost his entire life because it was like everyone around him had it figured out, had their career paths planned, their summer internships thought out but here he was, barely scraping through. He lacked ambition, is what his teachers back home would say about him when he was still in high school and he didn’t think that was much of a problem until he got to college and realized it seemed like everyone knew what they were doing, everyone except him.

Despite the boxy smile Taehyung puts on for everyone, he was miserable at best. He attends the parties Hoseok and Jimin invite him out to just so he could forget the fact that he felt like he wasn’t quite cut out for college. He’s tried once or twice to voice out how he was feeling but the boys only return with, ‘You’re fine, some of us are barely passing here’ which he understands is the truth but… he can’t help but feel like his intelligence was what had defined him in high school and now here in college, he wasn’t smart, in fact he wasn’t even average apparently. He just felt that his intelligence was part of his identity and if he wasn’t smart then who was he really?

It’s the ever incessant thoughts swimming in his head that forces him to take walks in the middle of the night to the end of campus where the land stretches out into the lake like a peninsula. He walks to the end in complete darkness, not even bothering to shine a light ahead of him because by now he’s memorized the route. It’s dark and eerily quiet but Taehyung enjoys the silence, feels like it’s a breath of fresh air.

When he reaches the clearing at the tip, he sees the soft city lights glow in the distance across the lake. He takes a seat by the edge of the cement path, his feet swinging below him as he enjoys the sound of the water lapping against the rocks beneath him. The skies are clear this time, thankfully and he looks up to admire the twinkling stars. It is at this exact spot at 12 am almost every other day that Taehyung finds himself here. Sometimes, he sits in silence and other times, after a particularly hard day, he sits there and bawls his eyes out until he’s run out of tears. It’s his form of therapy, letting out his pent upped emotions all at once before he returns to his room to put on a mask and start the day over. It’s the only time he feels he’s ever truly alone, sitting here with tears streaming down his face and usually he is but tonight, he feels a soft tap on his shoulder and then a soft pack of tissues being waved in front of his face. A flash of recognition runs across his features as he peers up to see you offering him a meek smile.

“Well, well. What is the former reining fear pong champion doing out here when it’s prime party time on a Friday night?”

“I could ask you the same thing, number one party girl,” Taehyung snickers, calling you by Hoseok’s nickname for you as he accepts the tissue, wiping away the last of his tears.

“Well uhh my friends are supposed to be having a bonfire somewhere but I got lost,” You laugh. “Snacks?” You ask handing him a packet of open chips.

“Bonfire? That’s by the park… like 10 minutes back. You took the wrong turning.”

“Ah, so that’s what they were trying to say…” You mumble to yourself, recalling how your friends tried telling you through slurred words that you were meant to take a different path but it was hard to decipher their drunken murmuring when you’re trying to navigate the dark forest with your hands full with snacks and serviettes and only your phone’s torch to light the way... until of course your phone died on you. Between the shivers that ran up your spine every time you heard the crunching of leaves in the far off distance and the fact that you were almost certain you had just felt something touch you, you decided to keep walking forward, hopeful that the path would’ve led you to something, and it lead you to something alright.

You let out a sigh before taking a seat next to Taehyung, trying to hide the fact that his crying almost had you believing that you were in the middle of a horror movie. It was only when you spotted his name on the back of his shirt, an old high school jersey probably, that you let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh well,” You shrug, placing down the rest of your snacks next to you. “This place has a nice view of town,” You point towards the lights in the distance. “And the stars look so much brighter here,” You murmur as you munch on the chips. “Of course… unless you want to uhh be left alone, I can just—”

“No, no, it’s fine… You can stay,” He smiles. “Because if you leave then you’ll take the chips with you, which means…”

“Nice to know you prefer chips over my company,” You laugh, grabbing a handful from the packet and Taehyung laughs in return, reassuring you that it was just a joke.

“So, is this your secret spot or something?”

“Something like that,” He murmurs. “Just a place I go to get away from it all.”

You nod at that, pressing your palms flat across the cool cement surface, leaning back so you could look at the stars. Sometimes you wonder why you don’t take the time to appreciate a clear night like this, that you’re so busy worrying about a dozen things that wouldn’t matter in a few days’ time when you could be having a moment like this, content and at peace as you admire the simple things. It’s in the presence of a vast clear night sky that you realize how large the Universe is, that in some way, you’re almost insignificant… not in a bad way but more of in a way that you don’t understand why your mind is always stuck on one track, why you don’t allow yourself to make mistakes, why you don’t stop to enjoy life for all that it is. It’s not something you don’t voice out often because maybe people will tell you you’re crazy when you say you want to throw caution to the wind and just let life take you anywhere.

“When you look at the stars, do you… do you ever wonder what our purpose is? Like why we try so hard when in reality, you and I and everyone for that matter are just tiny specks of dust floating in the Universe… as in that in the grand scheme of things, everything that we stress ourselves over, doesn’t really matter.”

Taehyung looks over at you with his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth half opened, as if he was at a loss for words and you throw your head back laughing.

“Don’t worry, that was just me you know… thinking out loud. You don’t really have to have an answer for it.”

Taehyung doesn’t have an answer to your question because in fact, that was the same question he had in his mind when he looked out to the stars. It’s almost like a paradox because star-gazing made him feel calm and yet at the end, anxious too. It reminded him of just how small he was, how he feels he’s never going to navigate his way through the murky waters of life.

“When I look at the stars, I feel lost,” He murmurs.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” You scoff.

“Isn’t it?”

“Not necessarily… I feel like being lost gives you the chance to wander around, to try new things while everyone else, like me, is stuck in some mechanical, rigid schedule,” You sigh. “There’s a perk in being lost and that’s being free.”

“But that’s the thing,” He sighs. “I get that I am free, free to roam, to wander but it’s like everyone else is moving forward and I’m stuck in limbo, just floating endlessly.”

“I guess the grass is always greener on the other side isn’t it?” You laugh, smiling at him. If anything, you wanted that freedom, you wanted to enjoy being lost but you’re set on a path, one your parents had inherently picked for you. “You know, sometimes I think we’re all just so stuck on thinking about our future that we forget to enjoy the present.”

“Do you think when we’re both 70 and all wrinkly, we’d be laughing about the things we’re worrying about now?”

“Probably,” You smile. “But is that going to stop either of us from worrying about it?”

“Probably not,” You both say in unison, before breaking out in laughter as the two of you shake your heads at each other.

There isn’t a way to put into words the atmosphere between the both of you but it was like an acknowledgement of each other’s suffering and in some odd way, it was comforting to know you weren’t alone in your struggle and neither was he in his. It’s almost like both you and him were lost in your own separate ways, him on where he was going and you on why you were going the way you were going but in any case, both of you were equally just as lost. Perhaps that was the beauty in it all, that two lost souls had found solace in each other.

Taehyung doesn’t know why he didn’t ask for your number on that night, it’s usually the first thing he does whenever he meets a girl he likes but it’s almost as if he had forgotten everything when he was with you. He forgot his practiced pick-up lines, his sleazy smirk because well, he didn’t need them. That night was just you and him discussing existentialism, purpose and just what the hell the two of you were doing in college anyway. The conversation bore no definite answers but it felt good to just talk about it for once, for him to not have to pretend like he had his shit together.

It turns out, he doesn’t really need your number though because he sees you strolling into the frat house the very next Friday evening, sauntering across the room to stand next to him

“No star-gazing while sobbing tonight?” You ask teasingly and Taehyung scowls.

“And what about you? Not going to give out life advice that you can’t seem to follow yourself tonight?”

“Touché,” You laugh. “I mean I was thinking of having more of a like drink my problems away and pretend they don’t exist kind of night.”

“Funny, me too,” Taehyung smiles, leading you towards the punch bowl that held the jungle juice that Hoseok had a hand in concocting… which meant it had at least probably 70% alcohol… which would lead to 100% regret.

By the time you and Taehyung find yourselves in one of the rooms in the frat that wasn’t already occupied, it was clear that neither of you were sober. You smash your lips against his in a rush, the entire make-out session a hot, giant mess. It’s not long before your clothes are lost somewhere on the floor and he is hurriedly ridding himself of his own shirt too.

You don’t attempt to keep the volume at a minimum and neither does he as he thrusts deep into you, complete euphoria taking over you as you feel the knot at the bottom of your stomach tightening. All you hear is your pulse in your ear and the occasional whispers as Taehyung brings you to your high. The moans slip out of your mouth against your own will and your thighs tremble, the tension you feel near the pit of your abdomen threatening to snap. There’s a thrust or two, the obscene sound of skin slapping against skin as his pelvis meets your ass and that’s when you reach your peak, your walls squeezing around his member as you let out a long moan. He picks up speed, his pace relentless as he chases his high and it doesn’t take long before you feel his length twitching inside of you, his drawn out growls dying off as he comes to a stop.

“Fuck, babe, you’re amazing.” Is the only thing you clearly remember him saying from the night.

That one night leads to another, and another, and another because somehow it’s like the both of you find each other at whatever party it was, almost as if you gravitated towards each other like magnets. Taehyung doesn’t say anything about the situation, afraid that you’d high tail it and leave him if he were to mention it but one fateful day, at a party when it’s way too early into the night, you utter out a preposition that has his head spinning.

“You and me, friends with benefits… How about it?”

It doesn’t even take a second for him to nod his head and say yes. With that, you drag him upstairs to an empty room and the whole time Taehyung spends undressing you, caressing you, fucking you, he can’t help but think it’s nothing but a dream. A fucking good dream.

“No strings attached, okay?” Is the main takeaway for the night and in that moment, Taehyung nods at the sentence agreeing, as if it had been obvious, that it didn’t have to be said but little did he know that the very same sentence would only cause him to feel pain, pain, pain in the months to come.

Though Taehyung rather enjoyed the benefits part of the relationship, he also enjoyed the friends part. He always looked forward to the almost 2 hour lunches you’d have with him because you had nothing else to do as you waited for your next class or the casual coffee dates the two of you would have after a tiring week or his personal favourite, when you would come over to stream a movie or two and you would sit on his lap even if there was space on the rest of the couch. Of course, you never really came over just to watch a movie but he rather liked it when you would let his hands rest in your lap, or when you let him lace his fingers between yours and place soft kisses on your shoulder and neck.

More than that though is how much he’s learnt about you and you about him in a span of just over a month or two. It’s during the coffee shop hangouts wherein both of you are supposed to study, keyword supposed or the unreasonably long lunches you two have is when he learns about your family, your childhood, the ins and outs of your life and you the same with him. It’s when the two of you are lying next to each other slightly sweaty and naked under the sheets that you both find it easy to talk about your deepest fears, your hopes and dreams. You were his confidant, his happy pill and everything in between. Of course he’s always had Hoseok and Jimin and he knows he can tell them everything but he doesn’t… he hesitates with them because he’s known them for so long and they know his family so personally that there’s just some things he feels is better kept private. With you, it’s different. It’s like everything flows out of him without him even knowing and he knows he’s in a pickle when winter break comes around and he spends every single day, thinking about you. You had been clear from the start, no strings attached, no feelings involved. You slipped the sentiment here and there every so often and he’s well aware of it but he can’t seem to quell the growing feelings he has for you. If you didn’t know… it wouldn’t hurt you right? It would be a secret between him and himself.

When the second semester began, he was more than happy to see you and you, him. As usual, the two of you continued with the odd arrangement of being friends with benefits but with a touch of more than just sex. It was almost as if the two of you were a couple in private, but neither wanted to admit it, well it was just you who didn’t want to and Taehyung was just afraid to say anything. He didn’t mind the fact that there wasn’t a label on it because as long as he got to spend time with you, hold you in his arms, all was good. Taehyung in your opinion was the kindest soul you had ever met and simply being around him lifted your spirits. He remembered everything and you mean absolutely everything. That embarrassing story you told him one time while you were sleepy and out of it? About how you got stuck in a toilet in the middle of an exam back in middle school? Remembers it. The fact that you had pointed at a big bouquet of roses during a movie scene and talked about how nice it would be to get one someday? Remembers it. Any detail whether you said it in passing or with full confidence, he remembers. Your favourite colour, what your parents do, your favourite pair of underwear, he remembers. He doesn’t do it to impress you, doesn’t give you your favourite cookie every so often to gain brownie points in your books. He does it simply because that’s just the person he is and the fact that he does it makes you feel so wanted, so appreciated like there was someone who thought all these lame facts about you was worth remembering. Sometimes you’re surprised by just what he remembers, one incident in particular sticks out for you.

It had been the busiest time for you in the semester, right in the middle of consecutive due dates when you get a call from your mother, her excited voice crackling through the speaker of your phone as she tells you that she received a bouquet for her birthday under your name except you hadn’t sent one. It takes a second or two for it to register that Taehyung had done it for you, remembered that you had told him you wanted to do something nice for your mother for her birthday and this had been weeks ago. He had known that you’d be too busy to remember to eat let alone send a gift to your mother. You simply didn’t deserve a friend like him.

The first quarter of the semester came and went and everything had been just like the previous semester. Then, he noticed you beginning to put some distance between you and him. The lunches grew shorter, the weekly coffee dates no longer happened and sometimes you wouldn’t spend nights at his place anymore. Still, Taehyung didn’t say anything because well, what was he to say? The two of you were only, in official terms, friends with benefits.

At parties, usually you would be around Taehyung and Hoseok but now he finds you shimmying your way across the room to talk to others, not that anything was wrong with that but then he’ll turn and find you grinding on some guy. Listen, there was nothing wrong with that either because you were free to do whatever you wanted but minutes later, he’ll find you completely missing. He thought maybe you’d gone home without him but then he’ll see you over an hour later making your way down the stairs, the man behind you with his hair in a mess, his shirt untucked and it’s then that he knows that something’s wrong… with him and not you.

You were free to sleep with whoever you wanted and him with whomever he wanted but the problem is he didn’t want anyone but you. He could literally feel jealousy bubble within him as he saw you jump from one guy to the next because he wanted to know what they had that he didn’t. It’s not like that, you had told him when he managed to find the courage to ask you when the two of you were lying in his bed, his chest still heaving after pulling out from you mere minutes ago. You never tell him the reason why you slept with all those other men, and you didn’t really have to tell him, he understands that but he couldn’t help but feel as if there was an underlying reason as to why you did.

Taehyung knows you avoid any talk about emotion like the plague, which frankly he hates. That’s not saying though that you don’t open up to him, you do but those moments are few and far in between. There have been a handful of times where you sit in complete silence next to him and he knows that you’re struggling internally, that there’s something on your mind. It could be 2pm on a Saturday when you come over to watch a movie and it’s like you’re on a different planet or when you’re in his bed at 11pm on a Wednesday, letting out little sighs as you mulled things over in your head and he would simply say his classic line; “Let’s go to our place.”

You’re not sure when his place became ‘our’ place but you’re glad anyway. The walk there is quiet and you never really say anything but when you get to the end of the cement path, sometimes you say whatever it is that’s on your mind and sometimes you don’t say anything and all you do is cry. Either way, you finally get to rid yourself of the burden sitting on your chest and that’s all Taehyung wants. Between the two of you, it’s obvious that Taehyung is more of a talker. He’s vocal about what he feels is bringing him down that day, or whatever has been on in his mind (basically everything except his feelings for you) and you’re an amazing listener, probably the only person he’s ever felt comfortable enough to divulge his worries to and sometimes he feels horrible for laying it all on you without getting to hear anything from your side so, to see you be emotional in front of him, to be able to comfort you, he feels glad that he too can be a rock for you.

Speaking to you about romantic emotions though, especially ones between you and him always lead him nowhere. You slip in things like calling him a perfect boyfriend but then clam up when he says anything remotely intimate or romantic. You lead him round and round in circles as if to say come closer, but not too close which he can do except you never say it with words, never make things clear and he ends up having to play guess and check all by himself. It’s tiring to say the least but he hasn’t quite figured out a better approach. Perhaps he should give up altogether is what he decides.

“Uhh, I think we have to stop this thing that we have…”

It’s like he had dropped a damn bomb right onto you ever so casually and your mind is spinning so hard that you struggle to hear the rest of his explanation.

“It’s just… Jessica and I are getting kinda serious so we have to stop.”

Taehyung is almost waiting for you to fight back, to say something about how he thinks you feel for him but all you say is,

“Okay.”

If Taehyung was being honest, he wouldn’t say he really had feelings for her. He liked her sure, thought she was hot and her personality was well, alright but he didn’t like her, like her… at least not in the way he liked you. But, she was different from you, said whatever was on her mind, was clear about what she wanted and maybe that’s what Taehyung needed because he was completely burnt out from always trying to decipher what your true feelings were. It was a breath of fresh air to have a girl that just said what she wanted.

He funneled all his attention to Jessica because clearly, you were fine without him, always having some other guy next to you or at least he thinks so. He hasn’t seen you at a party for a while but that’s mainly because his face is buried between Jessica’s legs in one of the rooms of the frat house. He’s not really sure what he’s doing, stringing Jessica along like that but he can’t help himself, always needing the reassurance that he was loved, that he was enough. It’s stupid because he knows that he is and maybe it’s all goddamn Mina’s fault for messing him up so bad.

Mina which he had grown up with in the same dainty little town had been the first girl he’s ever loved and yes sure, love is a strong word but he really did think that he loved her. She was sweet, funny and whenever he saw her, it was like one of those classic movie moments where there’s light shining behind her and everything’s moving in slow motion. Mina was pretty and she knew it. She was smart, got her looks to work in her favour and Tae doesn’t blame her for he has done the same. He was so blinded by love that he saw her as an angel and he wasn’t the only one, many did too. There’d always be murmurings of her being manipulative, by boys and girls alike but they were just jealous, he reasoned.

See, Taehyung was the type to give a person everything when he liked someone and if she had asked him to give her the world, he’d try to do so until the day he dies. He showered her with gifts, got his dad to pull some strings so she could get that internship right after high school, begged a teacher to write that recommendation letter for her despite the fact she never paid attention in class and that’s all he did, give, give and give. He never asked for anything in return because he didn’t want anything, because he was in love.

“Listen, Tae… You’re sweet and everything but you’re just not my type,” Mina huffs.

“W-what?”

“We’re uhh… over.”

“Then why were we… why did you…”

Why were we together for as long as we were? Why did you tell me all those sweet lies?

“Babe, I like Jimin. I thought you knew that.”

“Oh.”

So there it was, the reason as to why she had pulled him along like an abandoned puppy. She had been just using him so she could get closer to his best friend, Jimin and along the way, picked up a few treats for herself simply because she knew Taehyung had all the teachers in this school in the palm of his hands and she knew his father could get her that summer internship she wanted.

He didn’t know what else to say and all he had taken away from the conversation was that he just wasn’t enough. He doesn’t blame Jimin, neither does he blame Mina. He blames himself.

When college begins, he knew he’d never let what Mina did to him happen again so his strategy was to hump and dump, to do it before the girl could. He never stopped to know the girl better, was clear about how it was going to be just a one night stand and it worked, for the most part… temporarily but he still felt empty on some days. But he knows at least that for now, he doesn’t really remember the feelings he has for Mina, neither does he remember how what she said to him made him feel or at least that’s what he liked to believe.

He was doing great, amazing and then you came along and destroyed all of that.

You reminded him of Mina, from the way you were sweet and snarky at the same time, to the way your hair fell and the way you laughed. You weren’t a carbon copy of her and maybe he was just seeing what he wanted to see, maybe he was grasping at straws to draw similarities but you stirred something in him akin to the feeling Mina was able to get out of him before she broke his heart of course.

After he gets to know you though, he realizes you’re nothing like Mina and yet he feels himself falling back into the same patterns, feels himself slipping into a dark hole of feelings except this time, he can’t express them.

He’s an idiot, a bona fide moron is all he can say about himself when he sees how he’s neglected you for a girl he wasn’t even sure he cared about, for Jessica. He wants to sock himself in the face when he gets that call from Solji, her telling him just how bad you’ve sunken. The screaming match between you and him in front of the library still plays in the back of his mind sometimes and he knows he handled it all wrongly but he didn’t know how else to tell you that whatever your coping mechanism was, wasn’t doing you any good. It hurt him to see you so broken because he felt that way too. You think of him as someone who wasn’t as academically talented, someone who didn’t give a damn about his studies but you were wrong, oh so wrong. He could see the way you were pushing yourself way past your mental limit to achieve the grades you wanted and he saw himself in you, he knew it would only lead you nowhere but down. It would’ve been great if he had been able to say all of that in the moment but when the girl he cares about so much is standing in front of him, on the verge of a mental breakdown, everything in his brain just goes haywire. He just didn’t want to see you hurting anymore because those who are hurt themselves never want to see others in the same position that they are in.

The day you call him out for an apology coffee date is when his heart soars and just seeing you speak to him like you used to make his heart go soft. When you offer to begin again, this time as just friends, he’s smiling as if it’s been the only thing he’d ever wanted to hear from you. He knew he’d have to get things together, to break things off with Jessica so he could start over with you and start it right this time.

Except, your version of begin again seems to be very different from his because over the summer it’s like you had disappeared. There were no replies to his call or texts, no updates on your social media, no nothing. When the new academic year begins, he finds you’re no longer living in the same dorm you used to and Solji herself is too busy with her academics to tell him where you are, she not even having the time to meet up with you since the semester has started.

It’s midway through the month when he hears from Solji that you’ve been hanging out with Jimin and his heart almost drops out of his ass. Not again, he frowns. He didn’t want a repeat of high school. Why Jimin? Why did you have to pick him? He’d take on any other guy, any time, any place but he’s lost once to Jimin and he thinks it’s probable he’d lose again. But, this time, he doesn’t want to and he knows he’s got a lot more going on for him than Jimin did. Taehyung knew you like he knew the back of his hand and he’ll be damned if he lets you slip away from him. This year was his second chance and he was going to play smart, give you your distance but made sure he was in your orbit just in case you felt the need to come running back and it didn’t take long for you to do just that.

He’ll admit he didn’t think Jimin would be able to get that far with you, that he’d be able to break down your walls and perhaps, Taehyung has miscalculated his chances but he’ll wait, wait until he could prove to you that he deserved a chance too.

A/N: hello! surprise! (not really!) but uhh I know some events have been reiterated and y’all probably tired of hearing about it but it’s important! for the finale! If you’re reading this fic without having read wrapped around first... some parts probably seem kinda sketch and doesn’t make sense but uhh if you read on, you’ll understand! 

Wrapped Around, Part 1

[yuniesan]

Girl Meets Season 6 - Episode Ten

Synopsis: The Journey from High School and into College will test everything Riley knew about her life, her friendships and her love. What life lessons will she learn in her first year of college?  

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9]

A/N: Sometimes I wonder if I should write an alternate universe College Fic where they all meet in college instead of them meeting in middle school/grade school.

Episode Ten – Girl Meets Radio Days

There was a call for radio DJ’s at school, Riley had heard that they wanted fresh voices for the school’s radio station. She didn’t want to do it but she thought of the three most perfect people of it, and she wanted to see if they could have fun together while entertaining the rest of the school. Taking the flyer, she skipped towards her room thinking of how to bring it up with the three troublemakers. She loved them, honestly, she did, but sometimes when Charlie, Zay, and Sam got together it felt like they were joking about one thing or plotting something else.

She sat in her room thinking of a way to broach the subject when she saw them next, while working on her homework. The semester was almost over and she had papers to hand in and test to study for, so she wasn’t sure it was a good idea to bring this up with the trio, because they were in the same place, but since the flyer specified that they would start in the spring if they were accepted then it should have been alright.

With her mind wandering she hadn’t heard the door open, she hadn’t known anything had happened until Lucas put his arms around her making her jump, and sending her heart into a frenzy.

“Lucas,” she squealed out as he kissed her cheek. “Give me a heart attack why don’t you.”

Her heart was hammering in her chest, “Sorry I thought you heard me come in, usually you’re trying to finish a paragraph before you turn around,” he said as she tried to control her own heart. “Sorry for scaring you.”

“No, I’m sorry,” she said as she turned the chair towards where he stood. “My mind was somewhere else.”

“Riley,” he kneeled down in front of her before taking her hands. “What were you thinking about that made you forget that there’s a whole world around you?”

“I was thinking about the whole radio DJ thing,” she said to him before putting one of her hands on his face, looking into those green eyes she’s known so well for so long. “Not for me but for Charlie, Zay, and Sam.”

Lucas watched her eyes for a moment, as she ran her hands through the roughness of his five o’clock shadow. “They would be an interesting combination on the air, especially when they’re plotting something,” he said before he took her hand and kissed it.

“Yeah well I figured after the whole writing contest thing, that it would be a good idea to give them a hobby, plus it also means that they wouldn’t get into too much trouble, and they’re good at talking.”

“I’m also sure that putting them there would mean that they wouldn’t have the time to plot out another way to sign you up for something that you weren’t sure of.”

“Don’t remind me,” she said thinking back to Halloween weekend, they had all decided to go to a party, they needed to relax, only for Zay and Sam to shove her on stage before blindfolding her and dropping her into a kiddie pool full of jello. “They’re a menace I tell you.”

“You sound like your dad,” he said with a laugh. Riley looked at him horrified, she hadn’t realized that her father’s mannerisms had rubbed off to the point where she would quote him at a moment’s notice. “Don’t worry, it’s cute. Plus, there’s days where you sound like your mom too. They raised you so it was bound to happen.”

“It’s still weird though,” she said to him making him laugh.

“Okay,” he said after he could breathe again. “Tell me more about the radio thing.”

It took her ten minutes to explain to Lucas about the fact that she knew that the trio would be good for the radio station. They all experienced life differently, they were from three very different backgrounds, but they all had gone through their own problems over the years. She knew that they could talk about a number of things, while at the same time relating to other people. There was also the fact that they liked to make jokes and laugh which would be fun for their classmates to listen to, especially during stressful times like finals.

“Well Zay has always loved cracking jokes, plus he’s good with music,” Lucas said when she finished. “I’m still getting to know Sam but from having lunch with her during the week, I realized that she’s a good person, and while I’m still trying to get over the fact that Charlie is around, it would be good for him too.”

“For all three of them,” she said feeling weird for plotting this.

-----

Bringing up the idea to the trio was a lot harder for Riley than she would have thought, mainly because they were all on a weird finals schedule and they were nowhere near each other or in the same place. They didn’t even have time to have their usual lunches between classes, they were almost always running in one direction or another. Lucas always made sure to stop by her room to check on her, and she always brought him a snack when she was sure that he hadn’t left the library in hours. His classes were a little more demanding than hers, because she was still undeclared while he was in the veterinary sciences, so she worried about him.

At the end of the week she still hadn’t had the chance to talk to Charlie, Zay, or Sam about the radio thing and was about to give up until she got a message from Zay about a movie night. The message as it turned out was from Sam, who had taken Zay’s phone by accident during a mad dash to the dining hall.

“It’s insane, I really should put a different case on mine,” Sam said as she leaned back on her bed while Riley looked through Netflix for a movie. “But I was like, what are the odds that someone would have the same phone case as mine, it’s only a bunch of cookies.”

“Yeah but Zay loves cookies,” Riley said with a smile. “One time his grandmother sent him a cookie, this was during freshman year of high school and it was cookie day, I had an assignment from school for a debate, so I decided to be evil to understand the assignment, and I stole Zay’s cookie and told him it wasn’t that good of a cookie.”

“That doesn’t sound very nice,” Sam said to her, but Riley could only smile.

“I know and I felt bad about it after a while, but if it weren’t for that cookie we wouldn’t have started taking baking classes, and we wouldn’t be as close as we are now,” Riley sighed thinking about the early years of her friendship with Zay. “Don’t get me wrong we were close but it always felt as if there was this invisible wall between the two of us.”

“I doubt that, you’re a very friendly person.”

“That’s the thing though, for Zay I was the girl Lucas couldn’t stop talking about, I was the one stealing away his best friend, and well in some ways, I was the reason Lucas had changed so much since leaving Texas. There was always this weird thing because of it, but after the cookie incident I guess we sort of found a happy middle.”

“I wish I had had friends like that growing up,” Sam said smiling. “My sister wasn’t the best sister I could have had, when my mom remarried it was weird and having Missy for a sister was probably not always the best when it came to making friends.”

“Well now you have friends, and we’ll be there for you,” Riley said smiling, she loved meeting new people, but she also loved it when her inner circle of friends expanded.

The door swung open revealing Zay with a bag full of snack in his hand. “We have food,” he said as he walked in, Charlie not far behind with a bag of drinks.

The four of them settled around the small TV they had in her and Sam’s room, Lucas was still in class finishing up his lab so Riley was left to cuddle with her pillow until he got there.

“What are we watching,” Charlie said as he settled himself on the floor in front of Riley’s bed.

“Sense and Sensibility,” she said as a joke remembering how Charlie had told her about his sisters. When he looked at her with wide eyes she couldn’t stop herself from laughing. “I’m joking, we’re watching Thor Ragnarok.”

“I hate being the only boy in my family,” Charlie muttered and while Zay and Sam started laughing.

“Oh, before we start,” Riley said before dropping her pillow to grab the flier on her nightstand. “I saw this a while ago and thought about you three.”

She handed the flyer to Zay who had been sitting on Sam’s bed, the three of them converged around it and started reading it. “I thought it would be fun for you guys to have a radio show,” she said not knowing if it was a good idea anymore. “I think it would be a good outlet for you,” she continued, while thinking that they would stop ganging up on her for certain things.

“As interesting as it sounds,” Zay looked up after a moment. “Why not you?”

“I already have a million things on my plate,” it wasn’t a lie, she was always doing something. “Plus, you three like to joke around, and you’re so different from each other, not just in family background but in all aspects, but you all click and you can give advice on things like what you’ve lived through.”

“Again, why not you?” Zay asked one more time.

“I don’t know, I guess I just want to concentrate on my writing, and school, plus I was thinking of going out for the school’s journal instead.”

Zay nodded along with her words before smiling. “You’re going to be a great writer one day,” he said with a smile. “And well, maybe this would be fun. I don’t have anything in my background other than sports though.”

“I doubt that matters,” Sam said looking at them. “I have academics in my background.”

“I have nothing other than a part-time job and some sports,” Charlie added.

“See what I mean,” Riley said smiling at the trio, “From what I know, Zay loves music… a lot, it’s also really diverse because he could be talking about Celine Dion one moment and Childish Gambino another. Charlie, you love to talk about movies, it’s weird that you watch the b movies more than anything even if some of them are horrible. Sam, while we’ve only known each other for a short time, you have a sense of humor and a passion for books, that scares me sometimes but heck if I know anything.”

“You my friend pay too much attention to the people around you,” Sam said before getting up and sitting next to Riley. “I’m with Zay though, you should do this with us, you’re a people person, you’re good with helping others, and you have this unhealthy infatuation with Cuddle Bunnies and Red Planet Diaries.”

“Not cool Sam,” Riley said feeling her face heat up. The only reason Sam even knows about Cuddle Bunnies is because she caught Riley and Lucas watching it one day, while cuddled up against each other.

“Oh god,” Zay said before he started laughing. “It’s Lucas… oh man… this is too funny.”

“What,” Charlie asked before Zay started cracking up next to him.

“Zay if you know what’s good for you,” Riley said in warning, pointing her finger at him. “You won’t say another word.”

“Yes, Miss Matthews,” he said before turning to Charlie. “Lucas loves Cuddle Bunnies.”

“Isaiah Babineaux, you meanie,” she screamed out before throwing her purple pillow at him, Zay stuck his tongue out and she launched herself off her own bed, landing on him before attempting to smoother him with Sam’s pillow.

The door opened behind them, Lucas standing there gaping at what she was doing, “Do I even want to know what Zay did to piss off Riley?” Lucas asked before walking inside and taking off his coat.

“Something about you and Cuddle Bunnies,” Charlie answered.

Lucas’s eyes went wide, “Riley you have my permission to kill him.”

“Lucas, NO,” Zay screamed out.

“Riley,” Lucas said looking into her eyes communicating his intent to take out his best friend, for revealing his secret, so she hit Zay with the pillow. Laughing for a moment before she stopped her assault on Zay she jumped off of the bed and walked over to her boyfriend, kissing him on the lips while smiling. “Nice to know you have my back,” he said softly before putting his arm around her.

“I have been forsaken,” Zay screamed out. “And attacked.”

“Yeah well, it’s your own fault,” Charlie said before getting up and sitting on the bed next to Zay. “Now can we finish this conversation so that we can start the movie already.”

“Fine,” Zay said grumbling and acting wounded, before winking at Riley. She knew he wasn’t really hurt, honestly it reminded her of Auggie, the way they used to fight.

“What’s there more to say,” Sam said looking at the room. “The four of us could fill up an hour or two just talking and playing music once in a while, it’s not like we would have to do it every day.”

“Wait,” Lucas said to the room. “Four of you?”

“Yeah, we’re dragging Riley into this,” Zay said with a smile. “It wouldn’t be the same without her around.”

“Plus, if there’s anyone here who could keep us in check it’s her,” Charlie added.

Lucas smiled at her, “Well I approve, it also means that if I had to study I could listen to you all joke around.”

“See big plus all around, now let’s watch the movie,” Charlie said before settling himself next to Zay, Sam on his other side, while Riley snuggled up next to Lucas.

“Sure whatever,” she said admitting defeat, there was no way to get around the three of them, and she knew she would have fun even if they just talked about random things on the air.

[lamiaward]

I was tagged by @sweetcarlos-bravecarlos to do this , so here goes:

1.Nickname: uhm believe it or not , but I actually have quite a few? My bff has a long list of nicknames for me that we came up with years ago like pi, 12 etc. Additionally, my little sis calls me Lizzy, or Liz. My family sometimes call me Lies (or my completely embarrassing nickname that I will never reveal) And the crew at Uni call me Dog ( it was a Pavlov reference goddamn IT) and Destroyer of Civilization. 

2. height: like 1.70 m? For a Dutch person, I am kind of smoll but at least I am taller than @juliettesferrar 

3. fav school subject: in highschool, it was definitely history. In my first semester of University College, it was political theory theory ( although yup, definitely want to hear less about white, almost always straight, white guys and more about all the other awesome philosophers)

4. something I want to learn: I am a Ravenclaw you should not ever ask me this, there is too much omg. I will just limit it to the things I want to learn most I guess.  Latin and Hieroglyphs, sword fighting, cooking, singing( that will never happen but let me dream about being able to write and sing a song for a girl okay).

5. fav quote: ehhh difficult.  Maybe a Beau Taplin one? I really like The Connection: My heart is not captured easily. I am disinterested in small talk, disillusioned with love and too focused on my dreams and aspirations to lend anybody my attention for long. But if we make that connection, if you find your way into my heart , God I will fall for you like gravity has let go of the earth. Also, the Sappho one where she very poetically describes being so gay for a girl she can no longer breathe and pretty much dies.

6. Fav food: honestly, I love food so much, just put something in front of me and I will be like *gasp* you gave me food, thank you. As long as it is not like fish or something. I guess if I had to pick though, it would probably be chocolate or watermelon ( I once ate an entire watermelon by myself so.. )

7. Fav place: this bookstore in Nijmegen where they also have the best cheesecake, and wherever my friends are. also, I love Switzerland and Sienna.

8. What can’t I leave the house without: books/my notebook. Also music, I need it for when I make up entire stories with crossovers in my head okay.

9. last song I listened to: take me to church ( a cover actually, I have listened to the original about a billion times so sometimes I need to listen to someone else singing it)

10. identity : uhhh I guess kind of a butch lesbian? I am always 100% uncertain about my own feelings and stuff thanks to how much I repress everything lmao but that kind of feels like me?

11. eye color; it is blue but the shade changes (sometimes it is also kind of grey) and there are other colors in there. I have like gold around the pupil.

12. Hair color: it is originally a really dark shade of blonde. Right now it is sort of brown-red.

13. Something I collect: books and random things that make me happy which can be merchandise ( I have this awesome fma watch that you could only get away from me if you killed me) but also pictures and basically anything.

14. fav movie: I don’t really have a favourite, just ones I enjoyed a LOT. I loved black panther (!), wonder woman, thor ragnarok, coco, mamma mia etc.

15. fav song: urgh I can’t just pick one. Take me to church is definitely a favourite, but I also really love Halsey songs (especially Sorry, and Strange Love) and let her go by Passengers. I also have a soft spot for disney songs( especially Hellfire, I won’t say I am in love and pretty much all songs from Moana)

16. fav book: bitch I have been a bookworm since I could read, you honestly think I can just pick one?? I love Riordan’s books -esp. the later ones (omg Alex Fierro is the best and Apollo as a mortal is so fucking relatable) I just started Labyrinth Lost and I am really loving that as well. I just finished tell me again how a crush should feel which was also very well-written and I already know I will reread it.  Shatter me series are great (the WRITING OMG); so is the Grisha trilogy (hate Mal though)/ pretty much anything by Leigh Bardugo. The Stravaganza series is something special and I love, love Every day by David Levithan. There are more, but I will stop now. 

17. zodiac: Taurus

18: languages I know: English and Dutch, but also some German and French (I know random words in different languages, like Italian and Greek) My French and German is pretty basic though :(

19. full name: Lisa (you’re not getting my last name, nor my middle names, sorry)

20. tattoos/piercings: I have piercings in my ears, had a nose piercing for a while but it kept falling out so to speak and then I had to return to the shop to get it pierced again so I finally gave up. I am going to get a tattoo -I am thinking of one connected to Artemis or Athena, and it will probably be on my wrist ( I have a scar on my left arm that would be perfect for an Artemis tattoo actually)

Urgh I hate tagging people because I hardly talk to anyone on Tumblr ( I am a shy bean okay) but I tag @frenchdork and @juliettesferrar for this I guess :)

[suphoshi]

Hi! I know this is totally random and I’ve been a lurker (Love your stories, btw!) for some time and I just remembered you’re a nurse!

Do you mind if I ask you for some advice? I’m going into college next year but I’m kind of in between pre-med (Biology most likely) and going to a nursing program. Is it alright if I ask you why you wanted to be a nurse? and if you ever regretted it?

I’ve grown up knowing I wanted to be a nurse (probably bc my parents have drilled it in me to become one) but had an epiphany a couple of months ago from watching medical dramas that I might actually want to be a surgeon. They’re two different things but I realized I’m someone who likes to take lead and taken interest in the OR. I’m not sure if nursing can give me that but I’m also not sure if I’d be mentally ready for school + residency. I also know for sure I want to have a family in the future and that’s a major wall from going full send into pre-med.

thank you so much!

Omg, I do not mind this kind of question at all!

I wish that I could say that this was my lifelong dream and that I was born and bred for nursing, but that would be an absolute lie lol I am the first nurse in my family actually!

Going into nursing was kind of just a chance thing for me honestly. I went to our community college here in town and just took general courses for 2 years before I had a friend tell me she was going to transfer to the nursing school we have here (it’s pretty small, but it ranks pretty high for pass rates, my graduating class in 2017 and every year after has had a 100% NCLEX pass rate except for 1), and I just kind of jumped on the bandwagon. I felt like everyone around me had goals and knew exactly what they wanted to do and I had 0 clue, so I was just making impulse decisions and running with them. Even throughout my first two semesters of nursing school, I still was not fully set on becoming a nurse. I almost failed out of my first semester (which is so embarrassing to say now bc it was v easy 🥴), and in my second semester my clinical instructor literally hated me bc of how poorly I did my first semester (in smaller colleges, they really thrive on NCLEX pass rates, so they try to weed out anyone they think is week from the jump). She literally told me one day “I have no idea how you are a MedSurg student” because I was unsure about normal ranges for something simple. She also made sure to have students come in and watch me do dressing changes on patients because she knew that I had anxiety doing skills in front of other people and would mess up, and she would also give me patients who were completely incapacitated with peg tubes and trach‘s so that I would have to do more skills that she could berate me for because I was so shaky and nervous. Even up to that point - that’s literally half of the most important classes that you will take in nursing school - I did not know that I wanted to be a nurse. I actually wanted to drop out, but my mom told me that it would look better if I ever decided to go back to just wait and fail out lol, but that didn’t happen. My clinical instructor somehow ended up really loving me towards the end of our semester. She always put me in charge when we would do team nursing, and I would oversee all the other students and their patients. She was def a bitch to me in the beginning, but I think it was because she knew that I had zero experience in being vocal and outspoken and sticking up for myself. It really gave me the kick in the ass I needed to study more so that I would be prepared for her, and in turn, I actually got to understand and sympathize with my patients even more. I also realized that semester how much I love taking care of people. Because she gave me so many patients who were unable to take care of themselves, most of them couldn’t move on their own, I was able to sit and talk with them and hold their hands and listen to them cry or make them laugh. That instructor is the reason I am still a nurse today, even though she really almost broke me lol

I definitely do regret nursing often, but only for short periods of time if that makes sense. All jobs have shitty spots, but nursing is definitely one with some of the shittiest spots. You come in to train wreck assignments that sometimes you’ll feel absolutely incapable of handling, you’ll get hammered with admissions, you’ll have to deal with short staffing and taking on so many patients that you don’t even have time to use the bathroom. I’ve had patients scream at me for things that aren’t my fault, doctors scream at me for the same things. And now, because I’m a travel nurse, I go into hospitals with staff who don’t know me, don’t trust me, they don’t like to help at first because I’m the traveler - I have to adapt and help them, not the other way around. So not only do I have to worry about my patient assignment, I also have to earn the trust of a group of people who don’t know me. The mental exhaustion I go through weekly is almost psychotic lol. I have days at work where the only thing I say from beginning to end is “why tf am I doing this” or “I literally hate my life right now”. I talked about this with my sister this morning though (she went into nursing school after me and now she’s a nurse also); even on the days that I literally just want to walk out, I walk into patients room and become a different person. Like, I want them so badly to know they are safe with me and that I care about making sure they’re okay, and I absolutely love making them smile and laugh. I had a patient the last 4 nights who usually screams all day/night because she is scared and hates being alone in her room. Every night after report, I walked into her room and sat with her for like 10-15 mins at a time to just sit with her and talk about her day and the first time I did, she squeezed my hand really tight and said “why are you the only one who comes back”, and it just absolutely broke my heart. These people are so scared and lonely and they just want someone to keep them safe. So yes, there are times I regret it, but becoming a nurse was also one of the best impulse decisions I have ever made. I have changed a lot of people’s lives just like they have changed mine, people who might remember me but I don’t remember them or even vice versa, and it was the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

If you really want to become a surgeon, do it! I think that would be such an awesome path, especially if your interested and it keeps you engaged in what you want to do. About taking the lead and being in control and that stuff, you’re definitely able to do that as a nurse also. I always tell people how insane it is that I am so different when I’m home vs. at work. At home, I am usually the biggest bum, I’m super lazy, I love to lay around on my days off and have such a hard time motivating myself for anyyyything. But at work, I am very organized and time meticulous, I HATE messy workstations and patient rooms. I am in charge a lot - even as a traveler which isn’t v common bc they want their own staff taking that role - so I do all of the staffing, I help everyone with their admissions, I make sure everyone’s getting breaks, passing meds on time, getting home on time. It doesn’t seem like an extreme leadership role, but you really take responsibility for a floor full of 40 patients while you have 5-6 of your own. Plus, with nursing, you have so many opportunities to specialize, you can be a circulating nurse in the OR (I gave up on that idea v quickly because they have too much responsibility IMO lol they’re rockstars for real), I always loved same-day surgery for some reason because it’s so fast paced - I got to pick up a few days there before when they were short staffed and loved it, and honestly there are a million other specialties/jobs you can choose. If you decide to do nursing, you will learn so much about the kind of person you are under pressure, how you handle stress, if you can adapt to situations with little to no help. If medical school is what you want to do though, go for it! Please don’t forget your nurses though after lol, I have so many surgeons that I love and who trust what we say and listen to us when we call, but there are waaaay too many docs who think they’re above our opinions/they know better. Whatever it is you choose, I hope you fall in love with it, and I really hope you’ll check back no matter how many years later and tell me how you’re doing!! I know this was a centuries long answer, but I couldn’t stop once I started lol

Thank you for asking this!!! Let me know if you have anymore questions I can answer 💘💘 have the best day!!