#literally saw this book at my middle school library at 11 years old and have been looking for this since omg????? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weirdthoughtsandideas · 2 years

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Hi! Just curious about your relationship to catcf. Which version did you see first, and stuff?

My first introduction to catcf was the 2005 movie, which I saw for the first time when I was around 4 years old (not in cinema, but later on a DVD we had borrowed from the library). It was an experience to say the least. A 4 year old is way too young to see that movie and I still, TO THIS DAY, have to flinch every time there is a closeup shot of Augustus in the pipe. Because that small 2 second clip startle me every time and I had to MEMORIZE when in the song it comes.

But, it impacted me a lot, cause I wanted to watch it again, and again, and again, and again... to the point that I couldn't forget it. As a 9 year old I had a phase where I wanted to learn everything there was about catcf. I read the book (and fun fact, there's two book translations in swedish, one older and one newer. I read the old version and all the names were completely different. Here's a post I made about it) and I learned about all of the lore, including the scrapped kids, original drafts, etc.

There is also a swedish tv adaptation of catcf (no joke) that's from the 80s, that they had re-runs of when I was a kid. It's essentially an old man reading from the book, and then they've illustrated pictures that they zoom in and out from, and occasionally they move.

Here's some screenshots.

What a cool job tbh, I wanna work as an illustrator for some kids show where they just read from a book and my only job is to illustrate the scenes (that, and... illustrate books lol). Also, this is probably the only adaptation that's been made where both parents of all the kids are present in the factory. If you wanna know which adaptation is the closest to the book, is this obscure swedish one who, granted, literally read out loud from the book, but still.

Either way, I know every single line in the swedish dub of the 05 movie. And I mean every single line, tell me a scene and I'll know the exact tone the characters have when they say the line. I also love the songs so much and the movie is very nostalgic for me.

Now, the 1971 movie. On the internet, people praised it like crazy. They said it was the best version. But I never got it, because I didn't properly watch it until I was like 10-11.

Now, what i've noticed, the best adaptation is often the one you see first. And many people saw the 1971 version first, apparently, cause it was very marketable on VHS'es and DVDs - even people my age who lives/lived in the US said they saw the 71 version first. But I didn't even know it existed until I saw a clip on youtube in middle school. And I recall people basically called "everyone who grew up with the 05 version is a lost generation" or something. As if there isn't something called "not growing up with something because I happened to not live in the country where it was more popular". If you're saying that, I'm gonna say you're a lost generation because you didn't grow up with any Astrid Lindgren film or any swedish kids media. So I guess, here's my "defense" for not growing up with it:

The 1971 movie actually didn't do very well when it originally came out. It wasn't until it got released on VHS in the 80s that it got more popular. And thus, I don't even think the movie got released in theatres in Sweden, as really the only non-swedish movies that came were the most popular.

My parents had no idea about this movie's existence either. Their only exposure to catcf growing up was the book and the swedish miniseries from the 80s.

I didn't fucking understand english until I was 8-9?? And even then it took some years to be fluent. Which means that, if I would watch this movie, it would need to be dubbed or an adult had to sit with me and translate (and for example, I did see The wizard of Oz as a kid, but that movie was never dubbed, so every time we saw it, my dad had to be with us and translate - which kinda took out the experience a little)

The 1971 movie does exist dubbed... but, they dubbed it much later. In the 80s and 90s, Sweden started dubbing a lot more. Before, we've only really dubbed disney films and cartoons in general, but dubbing live action was something that started to become more and more normal, especially with the release of VHS - so when the VHS came, Sweden started dubbing a lot of live action kids films, old and new, and release them for cheap cash. And the live action dubs from this time... well, let's just say they were much better once the 00s came, but beforehand it took a while to really do them good. The dub of the 1971 movie is from the 90s I think, and... it's hit and miss. Half of the kids are dubbed by adults and the rest by actual kids. The songs are extremely direct-translated. They didn't really care for the project. So, the movie essentially got released as a cheap VHS and wasn't really a movie I think they mass-produced, so it existed very few copies of it. Not to mention, they did release the dub on Netflix, but then they removed the movie from there after like a month?? Anyway, it could've been possible for me to see the movie as a kid (and I think all of us had a vhs/dvd of some obscure film, or just an obscure dub of a film), but due to the movie not really being known in Sweden, I think it was harder to even get a copy of it.

Anyway. Charlie and the chocolate factory is very dear to me. My favorite version is, and controversial opinion, the 05 version, as I never could enjoy the 1971 version as much.

#charlie and the chocolate factory #catcf

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ennui-gt · 3 years

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Here it is. A Piece Of Borrower Content Written Entirely In Stream Of Consciousness:

AN: so this is incomplete and very…needs revisions to the timeline to incorporate some things I added later! It’s the original universe that Mira’s from! I edited it like Slightly to just change Ross’s name to Ross (if u see Max anywhere that’s his old one I just felt like changing it so that’s just him but different. Anyway) Everything's under the readmore tab, cheers!

The Library Fairy:

Basic Plot (Chrono, comic starts from human perspective abt the ‘legend of the library fairy’ ig maybe. Nothing here is permanent cept the characterization)

Part A

1- Mira is borrower currently chillin in a college library

2- She lives off of the cafe on the second floor nd reads lots and lots of stuff about everything when the upper floors close (lower floor open 24/7 but upper floors r vacant p much after 12:00 AM)

3- she starts getting increasingly curious about human stuff cos she’s literate nd books r pry neat

4- it starts one night when she spots an unattended notebook and a half eaten blueberry muffin, nd it’s 12:30 so nobody’s coming back in atm (it’s the 80s so no laptops for the plebians quite yet)

5- so she goes ‘welp’ nd takes part of the muffin, then sees the work on the page and goes ‘hmmmm this is incorrect’ so she helps our and leaves notes here n there to point the kid in the right direction and puts down some book refs for further study bcos at this point she’s been there for 2 years and she knows where most things are

6- she stays behind to see if the human comes back for it, hidden in a hidey hole near the desk

7- human comes in, sees notebook, practically melts w relief nd stuffs it in his bag

8- next day human comes back nd leaves nother notebook and a cookie, along w a hidden camera

9- Mira goes ‘o boy, this a trap, innit’

10- Mira then decides ‘eh whatever I haven’t had contact w anyone in years now so I might as well’

11- she steals the camera film nd leaves a lil scrap of paper saying ‘nice try ;)’ on it

12- student comes back, sees paper, goes ‘dammit’, then leaves note addressed to the ‘library fairy’ and another cookie, as well as more of their work for her to help with

13- bout a decade goes by and now the “Library Fairy” is an urban myth, it’s currently 2003 so she’s also wound up on the school’s unofficial Wikipedia page under ‘local cryptids’

14- most library employees know of her but they don’t go looking out of fear stemming from superstitions bout her, somehow the legend grew from ‘can’t be photographed’ to ‘a student once saw her and died that day’

15- there’s now a small shrine devoted to her where ppl bring offerings hoping to get good grades in return, sometimes they will leave papers for her to proofread nd stuff

16- new prof (named Alexei) finds online article thinks he Knows What’s Up bcos he had a borrower friend as a kid, but they left when borrower’s fam found out about them knowing each other

17- he leaves note wedged in one of her secret entrances behind outlet, asking if she can meet w him at some point

18- Mira, already In it, goes ‘Okay. Alright. This has gone on for long enough. Time to go and never return’ but ofc she’s curious as all hell and like she decides she will at least honor the guy’s request for a convo b4 she goes, but on her terms and w/o speaking face 2 face

19- they Talk in the library after hours, bcos he paid off the janitor to let him stay after hours nd most of the student employees recognize him as a prof nd leave him alone

20- they talk again for every subsequent night

21- she uhhhh finally decides to reveal herself nd prays that her hunch was right nd he won’t try to grab her or anything

22- he doesn’t but she’s nervous so she winds up gettin caught in her own climbing rope like idiot, is now dangling from ceiling in tangled mess

23- he stifles chuckle nd she says smthn sarcastic

24- he moves closer and offers to untangle her

25- she’s like ‘please’

26- so he do, but her grip on the rope slips nd he has to catch her

26- so now she’s in his hand and he just sets her down and now he’s a bumbling embarrassed mess bcos he said he wasn’t going to hold her and he just did and o dear pls forgib him

28- nd she’s like ‘dude u just saved my life it’s fine ur fine chill’

29- internally she’s going HOLY FUCK AAAAAAA but externally, her human’s already worked up enough as it is so she’s gotta b the level headed one

29.5- after a while they both kinda get used to each other more, he gets tenure, they celebrate, some more stuff happens, Aleksei got married (not to Mira, Mira hasn’t actually rly thought about being in a relationship w anyone cos she’s laser focused on gaining as much knowledge as possible)

30- eventually Alexei’s like ‘hey so I’m dean of faculty for the biotech branch now uhhhh would u like actual job teaching students? Cos, uh, you can do it remotely thru online lectures n stuff, no in person interaction, and I uh was just kinda wondering—‘

31- she’s like ‘yes. Yes!!! LET ME HELP PEOPLE OFFICIALLY KINDA’

32- so now she’s a professor, and has revealed her Secret a few times here n there to a number of the faculty, nd she has recorded her own findings in a personal journal

33- ‘humans will treat u like a human if they think ur human first. The kids call it ‘catfishing’’

34- enter Ross, an mall goth who accidentally tripped headfirst into a premed program

35- Mira’s favorite field of study is bio so naturally she’s his prof for a majority of his classes

36- being the good boy that he is, he now knows Mira’s secret. There is an Entire Chapter on him finding out and legit just continuing their conversation as if everything was normal bcos he thought that was how he was supposed to handle the situation

37- then she says ‘u can ask questions, u know’ he’s like OH THANK FUCK CAUSE I HAVE SEVEN HUNDRED OF THOSE

38- and now he kinda knows what to look for in terms of ‘do borrowers live here check yes or no’

39-in his apartment, the answer is yes and he mistakenly kinda stumbles upon the mom one night when he wakes up in the middle of the night for Snack and opts to pretend like its not happening. Unfortunately the thing she was trying 2 borrow (piece of crumb cake for Son Boy’s birthday) is the thing he wants 2 eat so he’s like “uh. ‘Scuse me, ma’am.” and he peels back the saran wrap on the other side of the plate, takes piece, nd then leaves some there for her

40-so now the woman is like ‘welp guess it time 2 Leave’

.1- she and husband Talk

.2-they decide it best 2 go

.3-theyre Packing

.4-lil bab Ellie confused

.5-hawk attacke

.6-cut to Ross

41- Ross also happens to work at a bar and he goes outside for a break

43- he finds smal child—smol smal—on the sidewalk and said child is missing an arm, nd has lost a lot of blood, so he’s uhhhhh Losing It highkey

43.5-parents r nowhere 2 b seen, but the hawk is nearby and circling. Ross gets an idea of what just happened

44- he up and leaves work, thankfully his apartment is above the shop so he jumps up the fire escape w the child and

45- he make tourniquet

46- he calls Mira nd asks her 2 come over to ASAP. he’s A Mess at this point

47- it is Very touch and go, kid needs blood, Mira is the only viable donor so she’s just gotta pray that the blood type is fine and won’t kill him

48- and then eventually they manage 2 stave infection thru antibiotics properly dosed to his size, Mira does Math and Prays basically

49- ‘bout a month in, kid wakes up

50- kid doesn’t rember much since he’s only 3

51- hes v scared of Ross at first but over time he gets used 2 the human

52- kid (elliot) starts 2 call Ross ‘dad’ after a while

53- Ross: *internal screaming but in a good way*

54- the end kinda for now

Part 2

A- New Borrowers In The Building

—three of em. paranoid dad, mom, nd daughter that’s Elliot’s age so he’s pumped

B- Elliot offers them a place 2 stay briefly

C- he knows by now bout like, how borrowers don’t typically interact w humans and Auntie Mira’s a bit of a weird case so he just doesn’t tell em bout his dad being the human

D- the kid finds out first nd doesn’t tell the parents, but they figure it out later kinda and think that it’s a ‘o god he’s being kept as a pet’ sitch so they’re >:| abt it

E- they move out and try to take Elliot w them (by force bcos they think he’s brainwashed) but he escapes and makes it to Ross, who’s like “uhhhhhh”

F- and the mom come out the hole near the counter n starts yelling at Ross, who is…kinda used to it since Mira brings in ppl who need help from time 2 time and they typically don’t react well when they’re lucid enough to understand what’s going on. He’s just not used to being questioned about his own kid

G- so they’re like “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WITH HIM”

H- and he’s like “r…raising him???”

I- and Ellie steps up and he’s like “this is my dad. I decided he was my dad when I was three. He’s being a good parent”

J- and Ross is like “yeah what he said. I’m a good parent.”

K- Ross is riding that high til the end of fucking time but like back to the story at hand

L- this is when the husband comes out nd is like “lissen. wifey. ily but that is a very big human and he hasn’t grabbed us yet so let’s count our blessings and gtfo”

M- but she’s like “uh no we stay until I’m sure Elliot is Safe and fucking Sound”

N- so they stay for dinner nd stick around a little longer.

O- Val (the kid) gets closer 2 Elliot and also Ross a bit

P- Mira shows once or twice, first time she shows up they’re like “oh god it’s the crazy doctor lady this all makes sense now” (bcos Mira does check up on as many borrower families as possible in her free time so word has got around by now Of her, and the number by which to contact her in case her services r needed)

Q- After a month or so, then they decide to leave bcos they’re like “look we get that ur son is ur son and he only has one arm and in our profession that is kind of a death sentence but we can’t have our kid getting used to dealing w humans who know about our existence” so they go and leave on a kind of sour note bcos Ellie can do anything he wants to do just as well as any other borrower Thank You Very Much and Ross is ready to fite anyone who thinks otherwise

R- Elliot starts trying 2 b more independent, basically from now on he’s like ‘I can do everything my Damn Self Thanks’

S- but uh he does it to a point where he’s going out of the way to endanger himself

T- so they get into a fite about it and ross Yells and Elliot is like ‘kthxbye’

U- and the boi just. Fuckin bolts. Runs Away. Ross is a Mess, he starts smoking again (he quit cold turkey the day he took Elliot in) to curb the depression, he’s jus. Not doin good, worried that his son is dead and the last time they talked it’d ended badly

V- FREEDOM!!!1! Except Ellie doesn’t kno how to take care of himself so it’s a rough month or so and then he runs into some other borrowers livin in their own town in the wild ig, chillin, being hella independent, and he’s like “uh yes ofc I will join u, I was w my dad for a while but.........” he neither confirms nor denies that his dad’s dead but everyone kinda just assumes.

Part 3

W-anyway a year goes by and then the borrower group gets hit hard w some kind of sickness ig. Elliot gets it too he’s basically incapacitated n drifting in and out of lucidity. So. They contact the weird crazy doctor lady who hangs around humans, a.k.a. Mira, and she’s like “oh. fuck. I know this kid.” bcos she does, u kno, and she jus treats em all for their ailment and shows them how to make antibiotic poultice thing in case smthn like it happens again. Mold. Penicillin is basically what it is

X-she and Elliot hav a Chat (Mira basically yells at him a lot) once he’s fixed up and he decides he’s gonna visit his dad but he makes it very clear that he is a Grown Up (he’s not, he’s literally sixteen), and he is living on his own now

Y- he agrees to stay for a week tho since he misses his home a lot tbh and Ross is just. Over the fucking moon to know he’s ALIVE, he’s not gonna fuck up their relationship by insisting that he stay. Or like, by keeping him ofc he would never

Z- unfortunately the borrower community put two and two together and figured out his dad’s human so they have his stuff packed up when he gets back w mira, who’s ready to go the fuck off on them

End 1:

-Ellie is living at Ross’s place atm and hopeful about the future basically. He eventually will go off on his own but he’ll keep in contact w his dad and stuff

Part C.5

55- few yrs later

56- elliot is Adult now he does adult borrower stuff

57- he moves out

58- finds nice borrower gf (her name’s Tess)

59- doesn’t tell her about his dad being human but talks about his dad a LOT

60- so when she asks to meet said father he’s just like “uh. Maybe we don’t do that actually”

61- and she’s like “y tho”

62- and he’s like “bcos”

63- anyway she decides to look into it cos she knows he goes to see his dad nd keep in touch but his dad is allegedly “a recluse who lives in the big scary human’s walls to avoid other ppl”

64- which is. Not true in the slightest tbqh he’s def not an introvert he’s just a workaholic and he Is the big scary human

65- anywho they run into Val and her wife and she’s like “how’s Ross been?” And Elliot is acting Very Suspish so she, being Smart, calls it immediately and is like “oh shit u haven’t told her yet have u”

66- Tess: “told me what”

67- Val: “El’s dad is a human, bro.”

68- Tess: “I’m sorry?”

69- this results in a Big Fight and they separate for like, a month. Elliot blames Val bcos he’s being irrational and doesn’t wanna admit to the fact that lying to his girlfriend for over a year was Real Bad Actually, but over time he’s like ‘yeah it’s my fault sry for snapping at u’ cos he works thru his emotions n stuff

70- Eventually gf comes back cos she’s like “ok so. I understand why you lied to me about your dad. It was a dick move but I do get it and I still care about you a lot. I would like. To meet him.”

80- this is a lie she does not want to meet him she is doing this bcos she does not want to lose Elliot and that outweighs the fear of his dad

81- so they go to meet him but she’s just kinda. Behind the wall at first like “that’s a crazy big human this is crazy ur crazy it’s time to gO”

82- Val is also there bcos she hasn’t seen Ross in a while

83- they eventually coax her out of hiding

84- and by that I mean Val picks her up and drags her out into the open by force bcos she basically freezes up the second she catches sight of Ross and Val’s like “u didn’t come all this way for nothing, bich”

85- they have a Painfully Awkward First Meeting, Tess is trying her best but oh god he’s just too fucking. Larg. Ellie ur dad too big

86- tbh tho the ice kinda breaks after Ellie and Ross get into a fight over smthn stupid (im thinking Elliot grumbles bout Ross’s hair being unruly and he’s worried that mira’s using it like a personal storage system again and Ross is like “I’ve been keeping better track of that actually” and then like a little line of paper clips and a few hand-bound notebooks tied together w some string fall out of his fucking mane and he’s like “I can explain”

87- “dad you can’t keep letting her use your hair like a fucking NEST”

88- Tess is laughing now cos god damn this was not what she was expecting

89- that’s it the end it ends w Tess laughing at them being idiots good times r had by all

Uhhhh that’s it so far. I have More but it’s kinda jumbled rn and I need to fit stuff in places. Anyway.

#was gonna make this into a comic lawl #if I like actually manage to get off my ass over the coming weeks I probably will be able to do that! but yeah #also this was once posted b4 and I deleted it but it’s back now say hellow #Library Fairy #oc: Mira #oc: Ross #oc: Elliot #oc: Tess #oc: Val #oc: Alexei #anyway yeah here it is behold #the uhhhhh most slice of life thing I have ever created

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shebpaw · 5 years

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Books I Haven’t Read/Finished Yet But I Want To

Hello again!

From my last post about animal book recs, I noticed a LOT of people mentioning other books I missed. In that post, I included books/series I’ve already read, and the suggestions you guys have given sound awesome and I can’t wait to read/finish them!

In the same vein, I wanted to share some books/series that I’m either currently reading or want to read and why I’m excited.

1. Guardians of GaHoole/Wolves of The Beyond/Bears of the Ice - Kathryn Lasky

A lot of you suggested Guardians and TRUST ME, I’m right on the same page! I actually own the entire series and a few one-shots I have yet to read. The thing is, I am an INSANELY SLOW reader. I have a bit of dyslexia and ADHD so reading is actually pretty hard at times, even for books so short. I usually listen to audiobooks because it gives me the freedom to occupy my hands while “reading” (also helps pass the time while I work/drive). GoG only has the first 3 or 4 books on audio, so it’s been a while working through all 15. I’m on “Exile” right now so I’m aaaaaalmost there!

There are, however, audiobooks for Wolves of the Beyond and Bears of The Ice, so I’m mostly caught up there. I recently cancelled my Audible subscription for money reasons so I’ve had to drop WotB until I can get it from my library.

I really REALLY encourage you guys to read the two spin-offs of GoG if you haven’t. I feel like those two series get forgotten because GoG is “over”, but these series actually continue the series in a way, albeit peripherally. And they’re just as good! I love all three series a lot and I’ll definitely come back here after I’ve FINALLY finished GoG.

2. Swordbird - Nancy Yi Fan

I don’t see a lot of hype for this series and honestly there should be! Nancy Yi Fan was the youngest published author, 14, at the time of Swordbird’s publishing. So far, it’s Redwall with birds, and I’m loving it! I love birds very much, and I’m excited to see where this goes!

This book is important to me because I remember reading about Nancy Yi Fan and her accomplishments when I was about 11 and wanting to be just like her. Not to get too dramatic, but I’ve struggled with writing/grammar for a long time (again, Dyslexia and ADHD) and was told by a particularly awful teacher that I’d never write anything of value. Nancy Y Fan’s accomplishments made me feel otherwise and I really think she was the start of me working past my disabilities to write stories. I still write as an adult and I’m hoping to be published someday, and I’ll always think back to Swordbird.

It’s a shame I haven’t read it yet. It was never in any libraries and I only just recently learned it was on Kindle and I was really excited! Life gets in the way, but I really am trying to read it. I hope Yi Fan is still writing and it would be really cool to meet her one day and thank her.

3. The Wild Road - Gabriel King

Oh, look! More cats! After Tailchaser’s Song I was itching for more Warriors-esque books, and I’ve been told The Wild Road fits the bill! Also, Richard Adams liked it, so I have high hopes.

I had to buy this book also because no libraries had it again. It’s really a shame, but what can you do. I get kind of hesitant to buy books I haven’t read at all because I’ve been duped before by what I thought was a good book. Also, Im poor.

Anyway, so far I like this one! It’s a series so I hope it holds up as it goes.

4. Catamount - Micheal Peak

Another unusual animal protag book! Sadly, I don’t own this one or seen it in a library. It’s been sitting in my Goodreads list for sometime, but I’m excited to find it! It gives me The Rescuers: Down Under vibe for some reason, its probably the eagle.

5. Dragon of the Lost Sea - Laurence Yep

Oh boy, I’m gonna get passionate again.

Lemme preface this by saying I have read this book, but only NOW did I learn that it’s part of a series.

Look, EVERYONE knows Laurence Yep. He’s a prolific author. You probably had to read a work of his in school. Which is why its breaks my heart to know that this book series not ONLY has no audiobook or even e-book exists, but physical copies are REALLY hard to find. I recently tracked down one on Amazon and they were out of stock.

I wasn’t even sure that I didn’t dream this book up for YEARS. When I was in middle school, I remember picking this book up in my school’s media center. That is the ONLY place I’ve EVER seen this book in person. I fucking loved this book. After a while, though, I forgot the title and for a bit I thought I had just made it up. This series is almost NEVER mentioned when looking up Laurence Yep, and this book is awesome!

So, wish me luck tracking down the rest of this series, its kind of become my life’s work, ngl. I’ve considered calling up my old middle school to see if I can buy their copy off them.

6. The Named - Clare Bell

Shout out to @climbdraws for reminding me that this series existed! If you haven’t seen their fan art for the series, go check it out!

I swear I saw this in a Borders years ago, forgot the name, and had a mindblowing epiphany when Climb mentioned it some 6-ish years later.

If you guys don’t know, I like prehistoric creatures A LOT. The Named, I think, is about prehistoric Cheetahs or some similar cat. I recently bought the first book and I’m really looking forward to it!

7. Silverhair - Stephen Baxter

More prehistoric animals! Also another book that I haven’t found yet. It’s always out of stock when I check Amazon (as of writing I just learned that this is at my local library but I’m moving to another state in less than a week so SHIT).

8. Song of The Summer King - Jess E. Owen

Y’know what I love more than prehistoric animals? GRIFFINS! Oooooh, do I love griffins! I literally cannot tell you how much I WISH there were more griffin books. Dragons are great, but they need to take a rest and let Griffins have the spotlight for a bit (I’m also writing a book about Griffins hint hint hint).

I have this one on Kindle and I’m working through it. It’s a series too, so hooray!

That’s all I got so far. I’m always open to suggestions, it’ll just take me a long ass time to read them.

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sunflowrhaz · 4 years

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I was tagged by @theleavesoflorien to answer a few questions that dig a little deeper. thank you darling!! (this is literally months old oops) 💛

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen?

both really, i don’t have a preference

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or in the city?

country! i hate cities so much! i grew up visiting my grandparents farm all the time growing up! although instead of the country preferably a seaside town such as the one i live in. it’s not too busy but not far away from everything.. plus i couldn’t part from the sea!

3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

picking back up painting, continue learning norwegian (don’t look at me like that marianne i keep saying i’m learning it but i’ve been so slack asdfdsasdf), get back into marimba

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar?

tea with sugar is so gross! i only drink herbal teas. my favourite is spearmint

5. What was your favourite book as a child?

the harry potter series!! and the rainbow magic books asdfgfdsa, the princess diaries series, anything roald dahl, anything dr suess, captain underpants lol, hairy maclary, mr mcgee and the biting flea asdfdsadf soo many i was such a loner as a child and literally read every single book i could find

6. Do you prefer baths or showers?

showersss

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be?

a mermaid so i can live my h2o fantasy adfasdfds or a dragon 🐉

8. Paper or electronic books?

paper always! i love the smell and i would love to have a giant bookshelf filled with books one day! i read on my phone for fics of when i get a free ebook but my right eye is so blind it’s like bitch no stop please lmaoo

9. What is your favourite item of clothing?

all my flowy boho cotton blouses and pants! and my fave blue jeans and grungy tshirts

10. Do you like your name? Would you like to change it?

i used to wish it was a little more unique like shortening it to ren/wren instead of lauren because i had 4 other lauren’s in my grade at school 😂i was literally friends with two lauren’s asdfgfdsa

but in the end i do love my nicknames lozz,lozzy, lozza so it’s not so bad!

11. Who is a mentor to you?

my mother and my grandfather! my grandfather is my biggest inspiration 💛seeing all that he has achieved and his views and mentality on life.

12. Would you like to be famous? If so, what for?

nooo thanks. the only famous i would want to be is for activism/humanitarian/environmentalist stuff but even then i wouldn’t want to be super famous and known?

13. Are you a restless sleeper?

nope! once i’m out i am out! i love my sleep and do everything i can to ensure i get the best sleep ever! now if you’ll excuse me i’m off to listen to harry’s calm meditation 😂

15. Which element best represents you?

fire and air

16. Who do you want to be closer to?

my brother! i feel like i don’t see him as often anymore what with his work and living in seperate houses. he is my best friend so i miss just always having him near me all the time.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

no one so much as just not seeing my family as often even though i do see them every week. i just want a big family holiday to spend time with them. and i’m missing some of my mutals atm who are busy lately 😞

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

i blocked out so much of my childhood eeep ummm probably visiting my grandparents farm, riding horses, my grandfather driving us around on a trailer on the back of a tractor, collecting cicada skins with my brother and starting a collection of cool bugs, stealing berries off the mulberry bush ahaha, finding snake skins (why did we like collecting skins wtf asdfd)

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

snails? crocodile? i don’t even know ahaha (snails are amazing btw yummm i used to eat them all the time in vanuatu growing up)

20. What are you most thankful for?

my family, my health, the beautiful country i live in, the friends i have made on here 💛so many things

21. Do you like spicy food?

yummmmmm yes! just not super duper spicy i can’t handle that asdfgfsa

22. Have you ever met someone famous?

no i don’t think so? wait patty walters from as it is i got a pic and a hug from him <3 other than that no i don’t think so i mean i’m in the middle of nowhere asdfdsa woohoo australia

23. Do you keep a diary or journal?

i kept a super embarrassing diary at 12 but apart from that nope! like seriously that diary haunts me i don’t know what happened to it please for the love of god i hope it got thrown in the trash asdfdsa the CRINGE

24. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

pen!

25. What is your star sign?

sagittarius sun, capricorn moon, libra rising

26. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

CRUNCHY! wtf who is eating soggy cereal you are seriously disturbed asdfgfdsa

27. What would you want your legacy to be?

this is so tough ummm just bettering humanity and the environment idek

28. Do you like reading? What was the last book you read?

yes!! i was the loner kid in school who sat in the library at lunch reading all the books asdfgfdsa. the last book i read was the raven king by maggie stiefvater because LIBBY got me totally obsessed with this series god dammit what have you done to me and i am currently reading call down the hawk which is a sequel to the raven king (dammit libby asdfdsdfdsa)

29. How do you show someone you love them?

i always seem to cater to them with acts of service? so like cooking for them etc.. just doing stuff for them and looking after them in general? idk how to describe it. also sweet little messages and notes and cuddles! oh BOY will i tell you how much i love you in a birthday card or message asdsa like i will bring a tear to your eye baby just made my grandpa cry with his bday card asdfdsa

30. Do you like ice in your drinks?

crushed ice mmmmmm

31. What are you afraid of?

losing my family, never travelling, being stuck/tied down

32. What is your favourite scent?

the ocean, rain, books, sea breeze, wet grass, coffee, lavender, clean sheets, spearmint

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname?

mostly their name? i mean i feel like where i live in australia it’s pretty chill and not so formal? i even call my grandparents by their first names adfgfdsa mainly because my grandma did NOT want to be called grandma

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

OH BOY! i would be travelling non stop! i would literally never come home, i would be travelling around the world, living overseas etc... literally i would just be living on a boat sailing around greece or wherever. omg how i would love to do that :(

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean?

it depends. i would say the ocean (i love her so much) but also i was a swimmer for over 10 years so i love the pool too. i love sitting on the bottom of the pool, it’s so calming

36. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground

keep it but if i knew whose it was i would return it

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

no :( hopefully one day

38. What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

i’m not having children

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

maybe a quote/word or something on the back of my arm above my elbow idek i have an entire tattoo board on pinterst asdfdsa even though i know i would never get one i am too indecisive

40. What can you hear right now?

i’m listening to a pop punk playlist on spotify

41. Where do you feel the safest?

at home with my family

42. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

my procrastination habits omg i am the worst!! certain family relations

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be?

dinosaurs mate, straight up, jks jks... no but really dinosaurs would be soo cool though, or maybe ancient greece?

44. What is your most used emoji?

💛✨😂

45. Describe yourself using one word.

more than one came to mind so giddy, optimistic, cheerful

46. What do you regret the most?

not travelling heaps after school ( i mean i was broke but still i should have worked more *sigh*) travelling looks really bleak now thanks to covid :(, losing touch with 3 certain people from high school i suck at staying in touch with people i am such an introvert 😞

47. Last movie you saw?

enola holmes and i loved it so much!

48. Last tv show you watched?

the mandalorian

49. Invent a word and its meaning

wobmap - intense affection and wonder for nature and the world

asdfgh what even

i tag: @pridesobright @sunflower-vol14 @rnbziamau @dailylouis @boobear-harold @princessparkhl @rosegoldeyelids @echoedsparks @angelharry (it’s been a while my secret santa pal ahaha hello!) and whoever else want’s to do this please feel free to say i tagged you! :) feel free to ignore

#geez do i say asdfghgfdsa enough or what?#tag game #long post

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bluebrine · 4 years

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it’s still... odd to me that other people had such different experiences growing up with this series than i did. i had such a personal relationship with it... seeing others talk about the sequels, what they liked and disliked for the series- and it’s like, really? we had very different childhoods (...story of my life, ha).

in my elementary school, our library only had one of the books- Dealing With Dragons (the one with this delightfully cheesy cover by Tim Hildebrandt lol).

(also, please note, there is no indication here that this is the first book of a series. just..... keep that in mind.)

haha, what if 🤭 ..... i was beautiful princess, and you were a dangerously charming dragon 😜 ..... and we were both girls? 😳💦

good god, little me LIVED for this book. i checked it out & reread it over and over again- the librarian must have got sick of me at some point but i didn’t care lol. i stayed up too late reading it with a flashlight under the covers, i read it during class beneath the desk (i was not... particularly stealthy. they kinda just let me think i was getting away with it lmao).

i know every young kid likes books with fantasy and magic to make their boring lives less lame, but the way i buried myself in this one was... 100% pure escapism. (pour one out for all the weird kids who had no friends outside of books, am i right ladies?)

the story has a theme of just..... running away from it all, cause everyone else apparently knows so much more about what’s Right for you- what interests are Right for you, what clothes are Right for you, what boys are Right for you, everything! everything was chosen for you, no dystopian YA lit required!

(CAN YOU POSSIBLY GUESS WHERE THIS IS GOING?)

i didn’t know what the concept of a lesbian was or why no one else thought it was weird that you couldn’t have interests that were Not Like Other People (the Right People), but that’s what this book meant to me. the entire core of the story was showing kids that you could pick your own hobbies, your own home, your own family & friends and it wasn’t up to the Right People to decide that for you.

fuck ‘em!!! run off to the mountains! live in exciting domestic bliss with a giant, well-read, protective dragon lady who can breathe fire and loves to eat your cherries jubilee every night (ABSOLUTELY NO METAPHORS HERE NO SIR)! back home your family is freaking out (but kinda relieved)- cause this is crazy, dragons are dangerous and ruin the women they steal away (where have i heard this before?), but also your family doesn’t... really miss you. they don’t actually want you back- as you were, anyway. once the prince sweeps you off your feet and away from the dragon’s evil clutches and properly marries you, oh sure, then you’re welcome back with open arms! (but that will never happen.)

fuck ‘em!!!!! make cool friends with other misfits and live a life full of adventure with the family you found along the way! there’s witches who live in eccentric homes with 50 cats, there’s neighborly old dragon grandpas who love chocolate pudding, there’s other girls who don’t think you’re weird and like to hang out and read magic books in the library too! you can make friends and be happy! it IS possible!

and that meant so much to me as a kid. i never fit in (i wonder why), i never seemed to like the Right stuff (I WONDER WHY), and for the things i did care about, i went about it wrong- according to the Right People, who didn’t much care about what i thought at all.

...anyway Dealing With Dragons is an allegory about the power of lesbian escapism & independence and i love it very much. i still love it, over a decade later. it’s a fun, captivating, whimsical little tale that means more than childhood nostalgia to me. i spent hours daydreaming about the story in elementary school, content with the characters and setting in a way that just... settled something in me.

but then i read the other books.

because there were... OTHER BOOKS!? WHAT??? (again, i never knew it wasn’t a stand-alone story lol).

when i got to middle school and had a whole new library to consume, i naturally looked for my fav type of books- those with cool fantasy ladies with swords and dragons on the front (that’s a genre, right?). and, lo and behold, there were more parts to my favorite story!!! lads, i lost my goddamn mind. there were THREE MORE? WHAT??? utter batshittery. how had they kept this from me? i had to read them immediately.

what would the stories be about? i saw Cimorene on the covers, sword-wielding and pants-wearing (’fuck yes’, said little me). what adventures would she get up to with Kazul, now that she was king of dragons? what would life in their new home be like? the new libraries and treasuries and kitchens would be massive- what secrets would they discover? what was living in dragon society like, now that they sat at the top together? what new recipes would Cimorene cook with her friend??? (that one was very important to me lol).

i checked out all of ‘em at once, and channeled deep into the obsessive focus that only a truly lonely middle school girl can attain. I was SO EXCITED for this.

-- and got my heart ground to dust under Patricia C. Wrede’s heel.

...because, see, i hadn’t known there was an Enchanted Forest Chronicles. i hadn’t thought about what that actually meant. it, as inevitably as the tides, meant the incoming of the one thing that made me truly hate reading sometimes- romance. cause these books weren’t about Cimorene and her friends or Kazul at all. they were about a sudden love interest and the child Cimorene had with him cause of course that’s what fucking happened. what else was i expecting? what else could stories possibly be about? i read through all of the books, feeling a little more like somebody shot my dog with each chapter, and could only feel sick when she got married & pregnant at the end. i was 11 years old and i knew something was wrong but not why.

(aaand looking back now, was that baby’s first taste of queerbaiting? does it count if you do it to yourself?? ah, youth. i don’t let myself get my hopes up anymore.)

for a very long time, i hated the idea of love (...quite the oxymoron, that one). cause it always, always meant that the people i cared about changed in ways that i didn’t understand at all. what, some boy you’ve never met before shows up, and suddenly your important quest and friends and family are... an after thought? why? don’t you care about them? don’t you love them too? why does this always happen? why is there always a boy and love and babies and nothing else? (why, why, why indeed? and yes, i was one of those kids who got fucking mean when their friends started only looking at boys, how’d you know?)

anyways. i hated it. i couldn’t possibly have articulated why back then, but it always made me so mad, despite the fact that the words on the page were telling me that this was the best thing that could ever happen in life. that just made it worse, cause why am i getting so upset over this? it’s a good thing, objectively- they’re in love. they’re happy. why is it making me feel so fucking angry instead?

this series doesn’t really... deserve any of the repressed vitriol it made me feel, though. Cimorene’s love interest that appeared in book two, Mendanbar, is actually a pretty cool guy! he has an innate, natural connection to his magic forest kingdom. he’s sick of fairy-tale tropes, he has a sweet anti-wizard sword, he’s very kind and brave- and i fucking hated his guts (...lmao, sorry dude).

there’s nothing actually wrong with this series’s romances. the couples care about each other and support each other well. i’m glad for all the kids who got to see some happy romances, i truly am. but god, that wasn’t for me, and it probably wasn’t for the other lonely kids who picked up a book about running away from what the Right People wanted for them either.

for a series about rejecting what society tells you is the Right thing to want, the characters just... end up wanting that exact same thing anyway. oh, the thought of marrying a man and spending your life with him, baring him heirs until you die, sounds unappealing? so distressing, in fact, you’d literally rather get eaten by dragons? WELL DON’T WORRY, this one particular guy is actually good! of course you’ll fall in love with him! you’ll want to be pregnant forever with his horrible frogspawn! you’ll be happy!

...what do you mean this is what you were running away from?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i spent... an inordinate amount of time as a child reading Dealing With Dragons. while i cannot possibly blame the author for my individual experience with their work, which WAS written as a series (the finale was written first, actually! way back in 1985), the fact remains that my interactions with them were... soured.

in a way that was out of the author’s hands, really, but i just don’t know how to think about this series without that bittersweet hurt in my chest. i cried like, twice, writing this stupid, rambling essay thing, and i don’t actually know how to look past that. i suppose the tried-and-true method of just... rereading the first book and pretending everything’s fine always works lol.

i own a few different versions of these books. there’s a full set i was gifted later in middle school -the nice glossy ones, with Peter De Seve’s lovely cover art! -which i have never once reread. they’re in immaculate shape, really.

i also own an absolutely, completely beat-to-shit paperback copy of the same version i must have read a hundred times as a kid. its cover is creased and peeling, there’s a bunch of weird stains and rips and dogears, and i adore it. i picked it up this year at a used book place, and every time i look at it i can see some small, desperate kid who doesn’t even know they’re lonely but still curls up around that book again and again.

#personal #long post #dealing with dragons #the enchanted forest chronicles #(which. apparently WASN'T an allegory for lesbian escapism #anyway i was robbed but its fine <3)#ok to reblog

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polygarnstars · 4 years

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part 1: 4, 12, 15, 18, and 19

If you think I’m going to have common sense and not answer all of these in a single post, I have Bad News lmao

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? Smart, mostly. “Gifted”. This very much Did Not Last lmaoooo

12. name of your favorite playlist? I literally never make playlists I’m a stupid fuck who uses their spotify premium to skip freely through all my thousands of liked songs on shuffle until I find something I want to listen to lmaooooo (Having said that: Rey and I put together a playlist for some characters we were entering a contest to win last fall which I titled Story and Song after the TAZ arc and also because we wrote Way Too Much for it and I’m Very Proud Of That)

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? Okay upon reading this I initially genuinely couldn’t remember any of the books I read in school because for the last several years of my schooling I just fuckin Sparknotes and TV Tropes-ed everything lmao... having said that, I do remember enjoying Maus! It was neat having a graphic novel assigned amongst all the “literary classics” that I couldn’t sit through a sitting of without falling asleep, and it may be the furry in me but the depiction of the characters/people as animals was Good :0c See, if all history was depicted with methods like this, I’d maybe actually be able to remember it ghfdjhgjfkdl

18. ideal weather? Depends on the day, but generally: Between like 65-80°F, not humid, not a lot of wind, and either sunny, partly cloudy, or drizzly but not outright storming. Basically decent temperatures without feeling like I’m walking through soup because of the humidity and weather that’s not completely gray and boring. Aka what Maine basically never is lmaoooo

19. sleeping position? I change positions every five minutes I swear to god (don’t take that out of context gfhdjbhvjd). Usually with at least one arm draped over a pillow that is Definitely Not Being Mentally Portrayed As A Character I Like To Supplement The Fact That I Did Not Get Enough Affection To Be A Functional Adult As A Child ghfdjknbhgfjdk

21. obsession from childhood? bold of you to assume i don’t still obsess over nintendo games (and just video games in general tbh)

23. strange habits? OKAY I COULDN’T THINK OF ANYTHING FOR THIS AT FIRST BUT I HAVE ONE NOW: MIDNIGHT FRIES

28. five songs to describe you? Speeding - LightsDaydreaming - ParamoreMusic - Mystery SkullsNo Lullaby - SIAMÉSLonely Dance - Set If Off+Bonus because it came up on Spotify while I was shuffling for songs for this and it’s a Mood: Pineapples Do Not Belong on a Pizza - Vargskelethor

29. best way to bond with you? I don’t know I usually just scream about ocs or video games with people and suddenly it’s been a year??? @riskreyes how has it been a year since we started talking but also how has it only been a year??? Wild bvhfdjkbhvgfjdk

30. places that you find sacred? Lmao I’ve never had anywhere like that really. Need a goddamn lock on my door :p I guess... the woods by my house? As a little kid before things got shitty my neighbor’s cousin or niece or something would go out there wandering around catching frogs and stuff in the spring or almost falling into the frozen streams during winter. When things started to go to shit in my life as a teenager I would hide out there to get away and nobody would find me. I haven’t been recently but the last time I did my friend and I walked along the train tracks and dove off into the woods by the side to avoid the amtrak coming by, it was great lmao. Uhh, other than that... I dunno, Boston and New York and New London all make me feel good to visit. Probably mostly because during those trips I don’t feel trapped in a dying land like Maine feels like bgvhfdjkhvgfjd

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? ......my entire wardrobe is my work outfit, excessive graphic tees, and jeans. So uhh... I dunno. I guess my NWTB shirts are pretty rad, I’d kick a dude’s ass wearing Nate’s merch

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? if i have to see another ad for some fuckin branch of the us military while i’m just out here trying to watch people play video games i swear to god-

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Oh boy I don’t know how weird these are but do you want a list??? I can give you a list hang on- In 4th grade we had a day of class where we all just had a party and ate chips and salsa and stuff because the pats won the super bowl and our teacher was Obsessed- In middle school my math class started working out of college textbooks, which is a bit much when you’re 11, advanced classes or no. Yet somehow none of the other students had any problems with this- Also in middle school, the school counselor really wasn’t very Good at his job so I usually just ended up playing Rock Band in his office instead of talking out any of my Many, Many Problems. I played the drums, for the record- Also in middle school, one time I straight up fell down a flight of stairs? Like, a full flight of stairs. Fuckin somersaulting down the stairs. The binder I was carrying broke open, papers went everywhere, my arm got cut open somewhere along the way and started bleeding. I get to the bottom, the other students are staring at me in horror, aforementioned counselor fuckin steps out of his office which is, of course, right at the bottom of the stairs, all concerned because what the fuck a kid just fell down the stairs, right? And so I, laying on the floor disoriented and laughing, declare, and I quote: “That was fun, let’s do it again!”- THE MOTHERFUCKING MAC AND CHEESE MUFFINS IN HIGH SCHOOL. Macaroni and cheese baked into the sweet batter of a muffin. I refused to touch the stuff but a friend of my did and it was bad enough he had to go to the trash can and fucking empty his stomach in it.- SAID FRIEND ALSO MANAGED TO GET A CARTON OF MILK THAT EXPIRED A MONTH BEFORE SCHOOL STARTED AT THE START OF ONE OF OUR YEARS IN HIGH SCHOOL and if I didn’t trust cafeteria food before that sealed the deal on me Never Trusting It Again- OH BUT SPEAKING OF CAFETERIA FOOD one time in the old school before the renovation, in like freshman year I think? I laughed so hard a piece of spicy chicken strip flew up my windpipe and got stuck in my nose and it was too big for me to snort out so I had to suck it back down and for the rest of the day all I could smell was burning- ON ANOTHER FOOD RELATED TOPIC down in the library I was on my iPad and 3DS because I had Long Since Given Up On School and some asshole dudes threw a rotting orange at me and it splattered all over the screens of both? So I picked up the remains and chucked it back at them and yelled “Do you wanna fucking NOT?” and they all ran off. The librarian heard me yell and saw me throw the orange back at them and she just didn’t give a fuck lmao- The librarians at my school were cool as shit really during one of our years we had to do x hours of volunteer work so I did some adjustments to the library catalogue for mine but the thing is I was fast enough at it that there really wasn’t enough to fill up my required hours so instead of giving me more to do they just sort of let me and my friends hang out playing Yu-Gi-Oh and called that good lmao. (For the record I only had one starter deck so I let my friend pick half of the cards and I would use the half she didn’t want. I managed to fuckin WRECK her with throwaways it was Iconicque)- OKAY ONE LAST LIBRARY STORY on the last day of finals I was hanging out in one of the smart tv rooms in the library right? My last finals weren’t for a few hours and lord knows I wasn’t gonna study, ADHD ass couldn’t do that and I’d already given up on school lmao. So I fucking... I brought my Wii U to school, hooked it up to the smart tv, and just started playing Splatoon there in the library. One of the librarians walked past to check on everyone, stopped at my room, watched me play for a minute (I noticed her and just sort of nodded and waved like ‘Sup’ so she Knew what was going on), and then just LEFT. Like, she didn’t give a fuck. Shoutout to the librarians, the Chillest- ALRIGHT LAST STORY LAST STORY I straight up never got all the credits I needed to graduate lmao. I was missing half a credit but they let me go anyway and to this day I cite the reason as being my high scores on the SAT/PSAT? I was the first student at the school in like, a decade, to have gotten an award from the National Merit Scholarship Corporation for my performance on them, and I guess they must have thought that me failing to graduate on time would look bad on them because, uh, yeah, it would, if people found out their teachers couldn’t handle a ~smart kid~ to the point that they did poorly enough to not even graduate with the rest of their class nobody would be willing to send their kids there lmao. And that’s the story of how I graduated when I wasn’t technically supposed to!!!

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? That’s a good fuckin question hey shit memory what was that thing that made us laugh so hard we couldn’t breathe again?...Don’t remember? Yeah I thought so lmaoI dunno, probably a joke in some let’s play? Or... god. Now that I think about it was probably the Slicer of T’pire Weir Isles moment actually. Holy shit, that was good.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? That I’ve ever tried? Jesus, I dunno, I have issues with texture more than flavor. I Refuse to eat my mother’s stuffing because it’s literally just soggy ass bread. In terms of pure flavor alone? Her shepherds pie. It’s just... there is no flavor. It’s like eating cardboard. I’m begging you, De, use seasoning. If I ever have to eat shepherds pie that just tastes like tin from canned peas and vague hints of unseasoned beef again I’m going to go on a murderous rampage.That said? F in the chat to Cameron for that mac and cheese muffin. Rest in pieces

73. favorite weird flavor combo? GVFHDJBVDN JUST GONNA MAKE ME SHARE THE DILL PICKLE/CHOCOLATE PUDDING PACK COMBO FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE HUH

93. nicknames? Gar, Garn, Lane, Bill, Master, Pants, Shortpants. The first three are self-explanatory, first two are shortenings of my name and then my masc/surname. The latter four come from usernames of mine - Bill from Bill Ciforce (If you stack a Bill Cipher on top of two other Bill Ciphers, you get the Ciforce), Master, Pants, and Shortpants from MasterShortpants in reference to one of Link’s nicknames in Skyward Sword

95. favorite app on your phone? Does the internet app count? No? Lmao. Spotify I guess :p Need me some Tunes

#if you're on a version of the site that readmores don't work on i'm sorry #long post #ask game thyme

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purplesurveys · 5 years

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594

How are you today? I’m doing okay. My classmates in my least favorite class, Newspaper Layout and Design, have been a big pain in my ass and I’ve been carrying the entire class on my back because no one has the initiative to start giving a fuck about the requirements (I’d want to not give a fuck either, but someone has to and I’m probably the most grade-conscious person in that class) – but it’s a Friday and I’m having amazing coffee right now so it balances out. Do you have mean comments that replay in your head and haunt you? Not really. Some days I’ll remember the one hate comment I got on my ask.fm which led me to delete my account altogether, but it doesn’t bother me because I kinda proved that person wrong eventually.

For context, they told me I should stop wishing to be in UP so bad and to actually pass the entrance exam first before I’m allowed to talk about how much the university means to me. Joke’s on them – I passed the UPCAT not long after. Doesn’t mean I’d forgot the demotivating message, though.

^If so, do you know why that is? I always want to please people and thrive on compliments, so I’m bound to remember every single bad thing anyone tells me. What are you currently worried about, if anything? I’m worried about my deadlines for my Layout class. The requirements are a group effort, and so long as my classmates don’t start moving, I can’t really pass my parts anyway because I have to wait on them. UGH Did you go Black Friday shopping this past Black Friday? Pls stop asking me first-world references

^If so, what was the best deal you got? Have you ever been Black Friday shopping? What is your favorite Thanksgiving food? Do you wear a watch every day? No. Wearing them always makes me feel like there is something on my wrist, and that bugs me haha.

Pineapple or pepperoni? I don’t like either. All-cheese pizzas are my favorite. What food makes you feel nauseous? Not to say that it makes me feel like vomiting or dizzy, but I was never really a big fan of blue cheese. I can handle it on my pizza and sometimes its flavor jibes well with the other cheeses, but the taste always sticks out so I’m not particularly obsessed with it. Have you ever seen a spirit? No. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want it traditional, so I’m going with green. It’s gonna have all sorts of decor like baubles, snowflakes, tinsel, leaves, etc. My family has always made an effort to make our trees look super nice and detailed and I wanna pass that on when I have my own place and maybe even kids down the road. Name 3 youtube channels you've been loving lately. HiHo Kids, Mankalor, and Moon Jeongwon’s vlogging channel. Do you have a youtube channel? I do but it’s only so that YouTube can tailor my homepage to what I’m into at the moment, and so that I can like/dislike videos haha. I don’t post my own content. ^If so, does your family approve? ...I don’t think they should have an opinion about me owning a YouTube account. But in any case, they don’t really mind. What do you think about the new "for kids" or "not for kids" rules? Like, parental control? I guess it’s a good thing. Kids have always had very makulit hands and end up seeing stuff they’re not supposed to. Makulit is a Filipino word that defies translation, but I guess the closest thing to it is either mischievous or restless.

Case in point: Back when I was in high school, I was working at one of the library computers when these Grade 1 kids sat at the computer beside me. They were searching images of the movie Frozen and it was all normal for a bit, but they scrolled too far down and eventually they landed at this very questionable manip of Elsa and Anna doing some stuff that kids that age definitely shouldn’t be seeing. ^ Do they affect you? No. I’m neither a kid nor a parent. What is the most disgusting thing you have ever eaten? [slight trigger warning for the vegans!!! Sorry, Filipino cuisine can sometimes be a lot to take for non-Filipinos] I’m super adventurous when it comes to food so I haven’t found anything I’ve tried disgusting. I don’t particularly like the flavor of bopis (pork/beef lungs and heart) and pinapaitan (goat and ox innards meat flavored with bile, tamarind and chillies), but I don’t find them disgusting, and I’d still eat them if that was served at a family party.

What food is so disgusting you could absolutely never eat it? Dog/cat meat. Do you like sushi? Love sushi. What color was the last sweater you wore? Gray. Name 3 material items on your wish list right now. Nintendo Switch, a new pair of shoes (wow I really am a grown-up), and cash. Are you planning on doing Vlogmas (for youtube) this year? No. Zoella’s the only person I know who still does lmao Have you ever done Vlogmas before? No. Have you ever made money off of youtube? Omg no Are you happy that the year is coming to an end? SO HAPPY. 2019 felt like it was three fucking years long. Have you ever bought a designer purse? I haven’t bought any with my own money. Do people tell you that you look sick when you wear a certain color? No? ^If yes, what color? Do you consider yourself creative? Not at all. ....outgoing? Kinda. It depends on the situation. If I’m meant to be doing something I like or hang out with people I know, I can be very outgoing; but if it’s an unfamiliar situation, I tend to be more shy and let other people lead the way. ....free-spirited? I don’t think I’d call myself that. ....shy? Yep, at first. ....socially awkward? It’s a hit or miss. Sometimes I’m great with socializing; other times I just miss the mark. Do you often feel alone? Mostly during the Christmas season. Otherwise it’s an on-off thing for me, but the loneliness is for the most part turned off. What could be the theme song to your life? I never know what to answer in questions like this. My life has had a lot of phases and it’s hard to sum it all up into a single song. List three new songs you've discovered this year that you like a lot. I Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House, the Summer section of Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons (thanks, Portrait of a Lady on Fire), and Joji’s Dancing in the Dark. If you could win a shopping spree in any store, what would it be? Fully Booked. Do you wear jewelry often? Very seldom. List 10 of your favorite girl names. I list them on surveys all the tiiiiiimeeeeeeeee. Uhh Olivia, Mia, Arden, Harper, Juliana/Julia, Isabella, Elizabeth, Charlotte, Lily, Emilia. I’m feeling the name Eloise tonight too, so let’s throw that one in as a runner-up. List 10 of your favorite boy names. Miguel, Joaquin, Javier, Jacob, Mason, Noah, Liam, Seth, Leon, Luis. Andres is also good, so I’m putting that in even though it’s name 11. List 10 girl names (or up to 10) that you don't really care for. That’s so many and possibly offensive :((((( I’ll just go with boomer names like Sally, Linda, Agnes (sorry to my Lola, who’s named Agnes), Karen, Pamela, Susan, Brenda...and maybe more common ones like Angela, Marie, Sam. List up to 10 boy names that you don't really care for. Not a big fan of boy names in general, but ones I don’t particularly like nor dislike are names like John, George, William (lmao just naming all the royals now I see LOL), Benedict, Jeffrey, Donald, Michael, Daniel, Drew, Mark. How old were you when you found out Santa wasn't real? Five. I didn’t find out; I just put the clues together. Do you own a Polaroid camera? Nope. I want one though. ^If so, what color is it? List one past regret. The one dumb thing I did in one of my classes where I forgot to submit something on time, and I had to make do with a late submission, which would already have deductions. Do you own Converse, and if so, what color? i used to; they were red. I stopped wearing them after a bit though so my mom threw them out. We have white Chucks now – my sister brings them with her in her dorm but when she’s home, I’d borrow it sometimes. What color was your senior prom dress? Let’s plz avoid talking about the stuff we purposely want to forget Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Nobody, other than the colorblind folk on Twitter/Tiktok who make wholesome videos separating different colors of Skittles or M&Ms heh. What's one pet peeve of yours? People who DRIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF TWO LANES YO WHAT’S UP WITH Y’ALL Would you ever consider a career in writing? Sure, I’m kinda headed that way anyway. What was the first thing you wanted to be when you grew up? Astronaut. What was your first favorite color? Purple. What is your favorite color now? Pink or black. Do you know a lot of people with the same middle name as you? Yeah, Isabelle is very common. But where I live it’s usually spelled Isabel or Ysabel. Do you like the name Brynn? Not really. It sounds very 2010ish, wherein people would give their kids double-N’s like Kaitlynn, Rylinn, Brooklynn, Ashlynn and I was never a big fan of that trend (except for Finn, Flynn, and Quinn, which I find cute). List five names you hate the spelling of. Literally those 4 names I just mentioned. Oh and in the Philippines, there’s this trend of putting H’s on otherwise normal names, e.g. Jhulia, Mhae, Ghabriella, Mhark...it’s common in the lower classes so I don’t judge, but like it’s just not really not my taste lmao. Do you watch Niki and Gabi on youtube? No. Do you watch Brooklyn and Bailey? No. ....Bethany Mota? No. But I did see her once when YouTube held a FanFest here in Manila and she was part of the lineup. ......Gillian Bower? ....LaurDIY? .....Family Fizz? ....Chronically Jaquie? No to literally all of those. Have you ever purchased a youtuber's merch? No they are always way too expensive lol ^If so, what did you buy?

#survey #surveys

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cartoonfangirl1218 · 6 years

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This is my son

So in honor of YJ: Outsiders and the fact that we have an onscreen view of Amistad. Here is a little fic I did ages ago of how Rocket may have introduced her son to the Team. Lots of info was taken from the comics since the show doesn’t explore Raquel’s past a lot. Hope you enjoy.

Raquel sighed as she settled a fussy Amistad for bedtime. She had to read him three books by Dr. Seuss and sing to him before his eyes even started to droop. He was a stubborn little boy, sorta like her. She gently rocked his blue cradle before turning off the lights to his room.

She padded downstairs and glanced at the old Colonial grandfather clock. 11 pm. It was that late, maybe if she tried to really hard, she could write her economics proposal now, half of her History essay and then finish it in the morning along with her trigonometry homework.

She shook her head as she thought over the coming morning, she'd have to do both essays right now especially if Amistad won't eat his food right away. It's a literal battle to feed him, and then get him out of the house to daycare. She hated the thought of dealing with him when he gets older.

She settled on the living room couch spend out the books she needed and her laptop on her lap with a tray of coffee cups.

She had crunched through the history essay. It was defiantly not her best but it would have to do, she'd settle for a C at the least.

Then Augustus Freeman aka the superhero alien known as Icon came in.

"Raquel you're still up?"

"No, I'm sleep-walking. Yes I'm still awake" Raquel snapped back sarcastically.

"You do know that you have training with the Team tomorrow afternoon right?" Raquel groaned.

The life of a teenage superhero. She recently joined a Team of teenage superheroes who no longer wanted to be treated as sidekicks. Batman (yes that freakin Batman!) was the one who assigned them black ops missions as they saved the world.

Unlike some of the sidekicks like Robin or Aqualad, she had only become a superhero two years ago when she and her ex-boyfriend, Noble (the irony) had tried to steal some stuff from this old Colonial house that had been standing since the Civil War.

While Noble looked for things to loot, she had been fascinated by the immense library the house had. She always loved to read and dreamed of becoming a writer, so that room was like a personal heaven for her. She wanted to just curl up on the old couch and look at the gleaming hardcover volumes.

Then they saw the alien technology.

Unfortunately they hadn't counted for the house to be occupied by a superhero. Augustus Freeman, lawyer by day but in reality a three thousand year old alien, the last of his kind as all aliens that crash land to Earth seem to be, who fought for justice.

Though they had ran away that day, Raquel had returned to the house.

She had been the one to convince Augustus to become a superhero. He was Batman. She was his Robin. Icon had initially refused, but she kept needling him until he had decided to give it a go.

The city sure needed them as heroes. Dakota City may not be a Gotham in terms of danger, but there was plenty of violence and injustice that needed to be righted.

It had been a tense first months since Icon was so damn conservative and analytical while she was more impulsive, liberal and action-oriented. But they eventually made their partnership turn into a smooth in sync team.

Back back to her impulsive habits.

Something she wished she reined her impulsivity earlier. That same impulsiveness led her to agree to having sex with Noble. Their relationshop didn't last, him being an asshole had a major part to do with it. What did last was the fact that she had gotten pregnant.

Raquel never felt so miserable in her life. The taunts and the whispers and the same old comment, "Oh she's from Paris Island what did you expect?"

Abortion had been an option, Augustus highly advised it, and Noble even gave her the money to do it when he found out the news. But she quite obviously didn't get an abortion.

She asked and asked around for opinions and the answer was always "Yes, get one" but she had felt disappointed by that. She finally realized that disappointed was that she had wanted someone to say "No, keep the baby" because she, she wanted to see this through and have a baby. Not the smartest decision in the world, but it was her's nonetheless.

Despite his disapproval, Augustus had been very helpful when she had been pregnant. He dealt with her food cravings and mood swings, and buying baby stuff, reading parenting books and eventually with the labor. Amisted's middle name was Augustus in honor of her mentor, and she had asked him to be the godfather.

Her friend, Denise even stood in as Rocket for her while her baby bump started to show. Make that ex-friend. The girl ran off with Noble awhile later, insisting "He changed." So what? You don't date the ex that got your friend pregnant, it is a common friendship rule! She hoped they gave each other syphilis.

Eventually she settled into a routine of taking care of Amisted in the mornings, drop him off at daycare, go to school, take care of him until he fell asleep and then do homework at whatever hour at night. In the weekends it had been easier since she could spend the whole doing Mommy and Me stuff with Amistad and more leisure time while he napped.

Then she joined the Team, and things started to go a bit downhill. Besides the missions, they had required training sessions with Black Canary, and strategic planning with Captain Atom. And then, Miss Martian, such a sweetheart, always had plans for Team bonding time. It was a bit stressful with work and such, not that the team members didn't get that, they went to regular school too. But... She hadn't told them she had a son.

It's been four months now, and they had no clue. Just as she wanted. It had been a struggle, with the lies on why she was so tired, her refusals to join Team bonding (on account of being needed at home), her worry during overnight missions (IT WAS OVERNIGHT, WHO KNOWS WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN TO AMISTAD WHEN SHE'S GONE!!). She'd saying that she was babysitting her baby brother, but Robin was starting to question why she was always babysitting when her parents could do that.

There was one embarrassing incident, that she had fallen asleep next to Wally, when she heard the alarm, mistaken it for the baby monitor and started rocking Wally's head like how she usually rocked Amsted when he was crying. That involved a very interesting yet lame explanation about her Rosemary's Baby inspired dream.

It's just she always swore to herself that she wouldn't be the kind of teen mom that let all things go. That she failed at school, hardly cared for her child and did whatever she wanted. She did want to get straights As and be a good mother. She loved Amistad more than she loved anyone else in the whole world and the thought of someone trying to harm him made her want to kill. But it was all so stressful.

"You know, Raquel I'm sure they would understand.." Augustus started to say,

"Don't finish that sentence" Raquel scowled.

They had been having this argument ever since she joined the Team. "Just tell them you have a son, they'll be understanding." Augustus insisted.

Oh, no they wouldn’t. They're teenagers. No offense to her own kind but teens are very critical. And she did't want to further the stereotype that girls from the 'hood' were sluts that had babies and nothing else to show for the life.

Okay, yes she was from the hood and yes, she had a baby but that was where the parallels stopped!

Besides she wanted so badly to impress the Team with her maturity and bravery and just general heroics. The whole having a son thing would kind of ruin it.

Oh and ruin any possible love life.

Most boys at her school avoided her like a plague and those who didn't. Well they thought she was so easy because she had a child. Perverts.

She hated school for all the people and the Team was the only place she wasn't judged. Sure, she wasn't spending so much time hanging out with them as she would like too but she still appreciated hanging out with them. They were chill, and mature and they understood all the grey in life.

Grey like death, cloning, discriminations, things out of their control. They couldn't be blamed for being a White Martian, or raised by villains or having to kill people.

But grey situations like teen pregnancy hadn’t been out of her control. It had been her own stupid decision and there wasn't anyone to blame but herself.

"Raquel, they've been through a lot. They won't judge you so harshly."

"Yes they will" Raquel muttered bitterly.

"Raquel please think about it. It would be a lot easier on yourself. You could take Amistad to the Cave, and I'm sure Red Tornado could take care of him while you're on missions, I'll help of course. Please consider it."

Raquel didn't know why, but she was tired of hearing the same explanation of why she should tell. Augustus didn’t understand. It wasn’t like he went to work where people stared at him as if he were trash. He didn’t have to deal with the mothers gossiping about him when he picked Amistad up from daycare. He didn't have to explain to Amistad, why no one wanted to go on playdates with him.

"No, I cannot tell the Team, I just can't! Once I tell them, they’ll think I'm just another idiot that sleeps around. I have been trying so hard to go to school, and take care of Amistad, and live a normal life. But I can't! Sometimes I just wish he hadn't been born. Then I feel like a horrible mother because I do love him, I love him, he's he's my baby boy but it's it's...

I mean yeah, I always talk about how the Team is so mature and how they’ve been through stuff, but they wouldn't understand this. They're still teenagers. They’re gonna be like the kids at my school, offering me condoms and sending notes on HOW TO USE a condom.

You’ve got to believe me I did use one. I just didn't know how put it on okay. No one teaches you how to do that. They just say use it and you'll be safe. Well that didn’t worked did it?

The team cannot accept me. They won't. I'll spell it out for you. My own parents didn't accept me. They took me to the hospital, confirmed I was pregnant, and left me. They left me in the hospital and drove away. I spent three days in that hospital with nurses pitying me or scolding me on how I could have done this to myself and how I ruined my life!" Raquel shouted.

After those three days in the hospital, she had gone to Augustus’ house in tears and explained what happened. He had offered for her to live in the third floor of the old mansion and that's where she had stayed.

Eventually, months later, with a lot of prodding from Augustus she decided it was time to face her parents and confront them for what they did to her. She told him that they had refused to see her, but it didn't exactly go that way.

"And that time I told you I would face my parents after what they did to me. I lied. I didn't see them at all. I mean I was going to, but they weren't home. My sister, Denise was. And she was so surprised and happy. Know why?

Because my parents told him I was dead."

Augustus stared at her in horror which only made her talk faster to get the whole awful explanation over with.

"They said that on that day they drove me to the hospital. They collided with a car and it burst into flames. They couldn't have my funeral because they didn't know which ashes were mine.

They went through so much trouble pretending to grieve and needing their privacy and lied to my sister about it.

How could I face them after hearing that!

My own parents would want me dead then have to admit to having a teen mom.

My own parents who were suppose to love me unconditionally, left me! That's why I can't tell the Team. I mean if my own parents who cared for me for 13 years want me dead then how can people I know for less than 7 months ever understand." Raquel slammed her laptop shut and stomped up to her room where she fell onto her bed, crying.

It had felt good to let it out in the open. The whole thing with parents had bothered her.

She agonized over it for days afterward as. And for a short period, she acted extra nice to Augustus, in case he ever decided it was stupid to keep taking care of her. Until she realized he would never do that. Sure, he could be critical of her choices but he wasn't heartless.

They developed a respect for one another. He had became her grandfather figure. Plus she was pretty sure if he hadn't ran for the hills after she gave birth to Amisted, he wasn't going to leave any time soon.

Agustus entered her room a few minutes later, cautiously knocking on the door before he sat at the edge of her bed.

"Raquel, I'm sorry about your parents." He whispered softly.

"S'okay. I've gotten over it." Raquel mumbled to her pillow.

"I promise I won't badger you to talk to the Team about Amistad." He told her.

"Thank you" Raquel sighed, turning over to face him. He looked so grim and forbidding in the moonlight. It was so unlike him to her. She was used to seeing the soft smile that she had seen wear when he played with her son. To her, he was far too compassionate and mellow to be intimidating.

He let out a deep exhale, his large hand ruffling her cropped hair affectionately. "You must know, not everyone is going to leave you for your mistakes. You are a very smart lady, and you have been a better mother to Amistad starting at 14 than many have been starting at 30. I think we've both learned a lot life lessons from taking care of him. He brings a certain liveliness to the house, and I'm never been prouder to be called Uncle Auggy."

Raquel gave a thin smile, "And what about my parents?”

"I can't condone what they did, Raquel. But I promise I will not do that to you. I'll even fight Batman myself if he or the Team thinks less of you for this. You are more than your mistakes. It’s what you have done to fix them and improve yourself that makes you a good person. You haven't lost your drive, your integrity or your spirit, and you are willing to make sacrifices for your child. If the Team can't see that. You should feel that they are less than you instead of the other way around." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------—————The next afternoon at training, Raquel kept glancing nervously at the door.

After her talk with Augustus yesterday and a long restless night, no thanks to Amistad’s latest nightmares about It. She and come to the decision that she would finally tell the team. She agreed with Augustus that she should stop pinning shame onto herself and she should judge the Team for their reaction.

Also she knew what harm secrets had done to the Team, and it was unfair that she knew so much of their struggles and they didn't know hers.

Besides she remembered his other points, it would make life a whole lot easier for her if the other members took turns to take care of him. It wasn’t like everyone was going to react like her parents.

Worse case scenario would be that she got kicked out of the Team. Augustus leaves the League. Then they both would be banned from ever super-heroing again.

Okay that was probably an exaggeration.

But then again, Batman could do anything. Especially if he got angry that she lied to him.

With those doubts swirling in her head, Raquel didn't feel like a good idea any more, and was trying to think of a way to contact Augustus before he entered the Cave.

I should leave. I'll stop them before they even enter. This is stupid. I'm right. What kind of person WOULDN'T judge a teen mom. They're all gonna think I'm a slut! Why would that want to work with a slutty superhero? I'm going to get kicked out for sure.

She glanced at the zeta-beams, wondering if she could make her escape before anyone would notice.

Just then the computer announced, "Entering Icon A-14. Entering Unknown Person"

Raquel let out a silent moan. Here comes the judgement day.

The whole Team, and Back Canary looked questioningly at the two entering.

"Awww Rocket, is this your baby brother?" Zatanna asked.

Icon pried a nervous Amisted clinging from his leg, handing him to her told and and went to talk to Black Canary about the situation.

Raquel bit back an instinctive aww as Amistad tried hiding his face into her shoulder. He was just so adorable!

"He's so cute!" Miss Martian squealed.

"I guess he's cute" Superboy grunted.

Raquel took a deep, shuddery breath "Uh well...That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I haven't been entirely honest with you about my home life and the exact way we are related. You see, Amistad isn’t my brother.

They stared at her questioningly.

"He's my son," They stared at her in silence with confused looks on Miss Martian and Superboy's faces. The others gave embarrassed glances at her.

"I don't get it. Aren't you only 16?" Miss Martian asked innocently, Raquel nodded reluctantly.

More staring. This was as awkward as she feared. They were never going to treat her the same way again. Forget getting kicked out, she might have to quit. She wouldn't be able to deal with this kind of silence and pitying stares aimed her.

Since it seemed like her announcement had stunned them into muteness she decided to make an exit. "So, yeah. That’s my big..secret. I should be going."

She turned to leave when Wally zoomed in front of her. "Can I hold him?"

Raquel was so surprised that she almost dropped Amistad. Hold him? No one ever held him, but her and Icon.

Yet she saw the sincerity in Wally's eyes, and the encouraging smile, nodding at her to say yes. No one had ever looked at her that way after they realized her teen mom status. No one ever looked so eager to hold her son.

"Yeah, um here you go.” She placed Amistad in his arms, and corrected the way to hold him.

"Hey Amistad, it's your Uncle Wall-man. We are gonna have a blast when you get older" Wally said holding out a finger for Amistad to grab.

"Wall-e?" Amistad asked, wonder and amazement streaking across his face, making him look even more adorable in Raquel’s eyes.

"No, no not the robot. I'm the greatest speedster of all time. Superhero of this Earth. I save the day with charm, and wit and the amazing power of science!" Wally gestured exaggeratedly.

Raquel smiled at him. She never been so grateful for the hungry speedster in her life.

"Thank you" she mouthed to him, and he mouthed back "No problem," as he continued detailing his amazing exploits to the boy who was clearly going to idolize him when he got older.

Slowly the others gathered around them.

"Is he gonna be visiting more often? I have the perfect bat light he'll love." Robin said.

"We can be like his honorary aunts and uncles," Zatanna chimed in, cooing at him. "That would be great, that would be really great.” Raquel smiled, feeling like she was starting to truly become apart of the Team’s ragtag family at last.

#rocket #raquel ervin #amistad ervin #icon #augustus freedman #young justice #young justice outsiders #the team #my fanfic #my fanfiction #robin #superboy #kid flash #black canary #zatanna #aqualad #artemis #this is my son

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enchantingkittengaditor · 5 years

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The MCU’s Daughters Prequel: Loser In Me

A/N: This is a Prequel, to my new story The MCU’s Daughter, inspired byBrie Larson’s album Finally Out of PE. Loser In Me was merely the inspiration for this piece and if lyrics are seen it’s probably just me listening to the song about 100 times writing this and editing it.

Summary: Long before she was the MCU’s Daughter. Before they were the Internet’s Daughters. They were just teenage girls trying to fit into a new system, a new country and a new school. Before all the fame and success two teens first became friends and teammates.

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Anxiety, Epilepsy, Violence, Extreme Angst, THE FIRST HALF OF THIS TAKES PLACE IN A THERAPY GROUP. Extreme Fluff in part 2 though to make up for it, after an anxiety attack.

Master List

February 14th, 2016

Tegan

It was that time of the week again, no not the weekend. Therapy day. I’m meant to be looking forward to today. But I don’t. I mean, I sit in a room with 9 other depressed and anxious teens and an overly enthusiastic adult trying way too hard for 2 hours. Where’s the fun in that?

The way I knew it was therapy day was simple my alarm went off, my cat jumped on my face and my sister yelled breakfasts ready from the kitchen downstairs. I’ve gotta get up and out of bed, but why so I could talk about things people think I make up to a bunch of kids around my age. I know I shouldn’t have but I turned my alarm off and tried to go back to sleep grabbing my cat to use as a teddy bear in the process.

“TEGAN!!!” Alex yells again, this time from the other side of my door. I groaned getting up knowing my attempt failed and if I didn’t get up now my sister would enter my room. The one place I had left.

Dragging my brush through my tangled hair to make it look semi-presentable and grabbed a clean shirt from my draw and my leggings from my desk putting them on, not caring that they didn’t look good together. Because I don’t care. I would much rather be in bed or be somebody else because I’m getting really tired of myself.

I put on some mismatching socks and my teddy bear slipper and running downstairs to join my mother and sister for our traditional heart-shaped pancakes and fruit Sunday breakfast. One of the few things that hadn’t changed in the past 15 months. One thing I could hold onto. One thing that kept the memory alive. I know people behave like I do when a loved one dies but that’s not my story. My story’s worse because I was the one who died. Well not literally but figuratively for sure.

We chatted about meaningless trivial things. Until I noticed the time and said I should go pack my bag for therapy. The bag I had to pack for therapy contained my sketchbook, my writing pad, and my book. The writing pad and sketch pad were to show I was making progress and not just drawing and writing the same old memories. The book was a form of entertainment as my mum always dropped me early and picked me up late at the Library where these sessions were held due to my sister’s tennis lessons.

After the process of packing my bag, I shoved it onto my shoulder, turning to say goodbye to my cat. That was when I saw the photo frame. The photo frame that contained three of the most important photos in my life. One was of me and my best friend at my 4th birthday party laughing while eating cake on my Dora the Explorer map which for some reason was of Russia, Mongolia and China. One of the others was of me and my two best friends at one of their 7th birthdays with my arm in a sling. The last one was of me, my classmates and our teacher from the last place I lived. I could feel myself begin to cry as the memories began to flood my already drowning mind.

“Tegan, Vamos!” My mother yelled at me from the door so I grabbed my shoes and threw the photo frame down onto my desk careful not to break it.

On the short twenty-minute journey to the library, we laughed trying to sing along to the music on the radio. Or at least I tried. It wasn’t the same. Nothing ever will be. And they don’t seem to care. I know they do but I haven’t seen it.

Once at the library I said goodbye to mum and Alex, walking through the door I was met by the warm embrace of the library air and take a deep breath of the book scented filled air letting it fill up my lungs. This was one of the few places I could feel at home in. But everything good in this world has to be ruined by people, doesn’t it?

“Come in Tegan we were just about to start,” Madison, the human in charge, told me as she walked past me holding a takeaway cup, most likely filled with Irish coffee to help her get through these sessions that I could tell were just as unbearable to her as they were for me.

When It was my turn to share what I did this week I shared the news of becoming ‘friends’ with the new girl at school and everything I’ve done to improve my mental health, although none of it worked. They then asked me questions about the new girl, which lead me to say, “She’s been through similar things to me, well closer than anyone I’ve met outside the people I would call if anything went wrong.”

To which, much to my dismay, Julie told me the cheesiest thing I have ever heard in this cheese-fest of therapy, “Maybe you went through it,” referring to the moves I had endured 13 and 22 months ago, “so you could help someone else survive it.”

“Maybe, or maybe the world is a cruel heartless bitch, who can’t handle that some people were made for more and decides to shoot them down. Like Malala or Martin Luther King Jr or Ringo. The world destroys the souls that only want to do it good and sadly I fall into that pile. I may have had what all of you call the dream life, but it’s a living hell. A combination of amazing until about 5 minutes later when I get shot in the heart over and over and over again until I decide to give up or till the world gives up on me and I don’t know which one is worse. I have never seen myself age past 20. I don’t know why. Even in the before, the before everything went fucking wrong. And it went wrong spectacularly. It always does. My life from the outside might look good but my mind. My mind is slowly trying to kill me. Even on all my meds. My mind is poisoning itself because it always had, from a young age and it will until I’m six feet under and probably after that. If you believe in the afterlife,” I yelled in frustration at Julie and all of her positivity nonsense. She was the eldest person here and the only one of us who doesn’t have to come but she still does, because she thinks of us as her family. In fact, her positivity was so infuriating to me that I got up and walked out of the room towards the bathroom ready to cry my heart out. That’s what I needed. And that’s what I did.

February 15th, 2016

Simone

It was my second Monday at school in New Zealand. And it wasn’t going that well. So far I had walked in on Indy and her boyfriend Lachie kissing, my friend Tegan had been bullied by Scarlet, I had been lectured about Harry Potter by Alexandra, someone in year 6 had been punched, and I had been told off by the principal for not wearing a hat outside. Not a good start to the day especially considering we had just gone out for ‘fitness’ which happens at 11:30 in the morning.

That was when it first happened. The first time I saw Tegan for who she was under all of her layers.

In the middle of our class game of basketball, I noticed her starting to lag behind where she had been. Then she started becoming short of breath, her face started to drain of colour as she stood still in the middle of the court. I looked around the court only to notice that no one else was seeing her break down in the middle of the school.

So, I went over to her.

“Are you OK?” I asked her squatting down so I could look up at her and look her in the eye.

That’s when I noticed how hard she was struggling to breathe. I ran. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me over to Miss G who was reffing the game.

“Tegan can’t breath and I don’t know what else is going on, but I know she can’t easily breath,” I spat out in about 3 seconds flat pointing my index finger over to her almost colourless body standing in the middle of the court. Except she was gone.

“She seems fine Simone, she just went to the bathroom,” Miss G told me in a condescending tone.

“Well then, can I please go to the bathroom?” When she nodded her head in response and faced back to the game I walked back over to where the toilets were.

I raised my fist to the grey stall door and knocked.

“I’m fine. Really, but thanks for checking!” Tegan yelled from the other side sniffling.

“Just come out, please. You really looked like you needed a hug out there and I would love to give you one because I think of you as my friend. So please just come out here and talk. It’s only me.”

“And me. Tegan, I want you to come out here so we can talk. We can all just lean against the door while you tell us what happened so no one else can enter if you want,” Alexandra said as she walked into the bathroom.

“Only if you give this up.”

“What up?” I dared to ask.

“Trying to make me better,” She opened the door to reveal herself, “I’ve been trying for years to fix myself. I’ve been trying since I was 7 to fix whatever the hell is wrong with me. There is a giant loser who lives within me and currently in control and I am fine with that because it’s better than the giant demon that’s in there. I… I am just a shell of a broken child who will never be able to grow up. I’m so scared for her and her future because everyone is telling me to let her go but I can’t because she’s the me I only let a few people see. She is what is at the centre of all my thousands of walls and there’s a good reason for those walls. I’m broken. Defective. People only want people you fit perfectly with themselves. I don’t. I don’t fit with anyone unless their pieces are broken too and then we can become a beautiful mosaic. But, then again, nobody in this godforsaken country seems to realize you don’t have to put your pieces back in the same places to become whole again. And putting yourself back together exactly the same is hard, especially when you don’t know how the broken pieces fit together because you’ve been broken for too long. I… I was just having a panic attack that’s all. It happens all the time and nobody has ever reacted how you did and it scared me if I’m honest. Nobody ever really cares normally,” by this point we all had our backs to the girls’ toilets on the floor. Me and Alexandra had our arms around Tegan’s shoulder comforting her as she cried/talked to us about whatever was on her mind, “For the longest time all I’ve wanted is to have someone else’s puzzle piece and be compatible with others. All I want to do is order in and stay at how with my TV and guitar, and waste the day, crashing at home, without people. But I can’t because my sister or mum is always with me. I just want to run away from my so-called life. No matter how hard I try I keep losing my head and it keeps happening again and again and I can’t stop it.”

“Have you tried therapy?” Alexandra asks with the best intentions but I could tell by the way Tegan flinched that it was a touchy subject.

“Yeah, I go once a week to a group session for 10-18-year-olds who have dealt with loss. It’s on Sunday at South Library, but I hate it. It does nothing except make me want to punch a bunch of teenage girls in the face,” she responds in a post tear voice, I’ve come to know all too well.

“Well, I’m sure it’s good for you and it’ll get better. All of it,” I said with a smile, “After all, who’s going to show me how to get through moving away from everything they’ve ever known to here? Not Indy or Scarlett or Saskia. They all seem lovely but they don’t know what it’s like and you do. And that makes you special.”

“Ok. But should we head back out there?”

“I’ll go and tell Miss G that both of you are just going to stay in the classroom and I’ll come back and we can find some cat videos to watch together. Ok?” Alexandra said to Tegan’s question.

“That sounds good Bob.”

“Bob?”

“Her nickname,” She smiles to me as we get up and walk into the classroom and sit at the jelly bean table waiting for ‘Bob’ to get back.

Tags: @hollandarling, @wazzupmrstark, @hollandroos, @keepingupwiththeparkers

#the mcu's daughter #writing #finally out of pe #loser in me #the prequel

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toknowyoumore · 6 years

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spoiler: it was a terrible idea... but i feel good

I’m gonna try a little something, and this could either be a kinda good or absolutely terrible idea. I need to write something important, but I’m not in a writing mood right now, at least for the topics I need to write about. But I know I’m at least a decent writer when it comes to things I do like writing about. That’s why I’m going to drink a fair amount of alcohol to get my creative juices flowing - and also to get me to sleep earlier than 5 am. I’m probably gonna take this down once I submit the actual thing.

Jameson and Canada Dry on the rocks pls glub glub glub

Okay, let’s start.

Growing up with a single mother wasn’t the easiest thing, especially when I heard her screams of pain in the early morning when I was in fifth grade. My mother was diagnosed with breast and brain cancer. Though I didn’t know at the time, my parents were separated. But I still remember the first time walking into the hospital with my dad and seeing Mom on the hospital bed. I remember her stopping midway during our conversation because she lost the ability to breathe. I remember not being in a panic but rather in confusion when my dad told me to go out and get a nurse to help immediately. And in about a minute, a nurse saw a 11-year-old child asking for help for his mom who wasn’t breathing. I remember seeing my mother in the room again afterwards - except now with some sort of breathing machine. I know now that that machine is called a ventilator.

Living was confusing after that. I didn’t know how to feel. I remember being scared at some points but not deathly afraid. I didn’t entertain the thought of Mom passing because the thought just wasn’t real to me. (Spoiler alert, she didn’t, and she’s still in top condition today despite a number of tumors throughout the years. I promise this won’t be a sappy story.) Or maybe I just didn’t correctly process my thoughts and emotions. Was there even a correct way? Maybe all of this just led to me becoming who I am now?

Fourth wall break - okay, so this was a terrible idea. I’m going so off track, and this whole thing was supposed to highlight my good side, but screw it, I’m gonna keep going with this and see where it leads. Before we continue, another glass pls glub glub glub thank you - fourth wall unbreak.

The purpose of me writing that story was to talk about a childhood experience and an example of how I overcame adversity. But now that I’ve arrived to this part of the page, I can’t really think of how I really overcame adversity here. Sure, I got through a hardship that would be difficult for any child, but I don’t remember ever being in deep anguish. In normal terms, this experience would make one more aware of the tribulations in the world and ultimately become more human. But somehow - thinking back to this moment - I’m being hit from all directions with, “It made you less human.” A human would typically mourn from this. I really didn’t, or at least I don’t think I did.

I got lazy. My grandmother took care of me at that point, but she didn’t force me to go to school. I almost had to repeat fifth grade because I had so many absences.

If someone wrote about this experience in their college essay, you may see something like, “From this, I took responsibility and started taking care of myself, building my time management skills and independence.” Nope, none of that here. I was an 11-year-old only child with a grandmother who struggled to walk up the stairs.

I barely had any actual friends in my elementary school, middle school, and most of high school. By “actual friends,” I mean people who I’d talk or chill with out of school. My only community really was my church. Even though we don’t see each other now as often or we’ve drifted apart, something special still resides in those bonds. Despite how I feel about the church and Christianity now, I know for a fact that the friends I had there made my life worthwhile. It’s what made me more human. It’s what got me through adversity.

It’s not about what I did that lifted me up. There wasn’t some switch that I just activated by myself in my brain that suddenly pushed me to take responsibility, start caring for my family, and being a decent person. It wasn’t me; it was my friends. I would always be inspired by them - their words, their actions, even their humor. I wanted to be like them. And over time, I think I changed for the better. And even today, I’ve been making it a goal - maybe even my top goal - to be a decent human being to others.

Fast forward to senior year of high school, when I’m applying to colleges. The common motif of myself and everybody on the planet - say it with me now, “I want to help people.” Who doesn’t? But how? The medical field was something that, to be honest, never really held my interest much back in high school. Some elements of being a medical doctor were appealing to me, though I just wasn’t very gung-ho about the entire thing. I apply to a local university as a safety because I know all my friends were going there, and in my back of my mind, I knew I was too. The local university allows me to apply to multiple schools of varying professions within itself. I apply to its pharmacy school on a whim. I get wait-listed. I then get accepted. My senior year crush decides to go to the same school. And before life offered me the pros and cons, I was a pharmacy student.

There is one big con I should mention though: I knew nothing about pharmacy. I didn’t care a lick about it. No one in my family is a pharmacist. I didn’t really have a “want” to do it. There was no reason for me to pursue it. The only reason I did have was that I could drop out of the program in two years if I didn’t like it without any repercussions. It was strategically sound.

Two years later, I still wasn’t sure about my decision. But just like the last two years flew by, the next one did. And then the next one. And then the next after that. There was never any love for pharmacy. It was, “study for this exam, take the exam, study for that exam, take that exam, memorize a script for this practical, ace the practical, start joining pharmacy organizations, don’t attend the meetings.” My interests during college were elsewhere. They were in leading worship, learning how to help people with depression, and hanging out with my friends, which were all amazing things. But pharmacy still had little room for passion in my life.

Then one year ago, in January 2018, things started to change. It was my last semester taking classes and exams. My rotation schedule for the next year was arranged. Pharmacy was suddenly starting to become much realer to me. Internal medicine, cardiology, emergency department, transitions of care - it was a lot. But for the first time, it didn’t feel like a drag. Rather, it felt like something I knew I had to do, however daunting it initially felt. And I wanted to excel at it. I asked early for extra projects. I went to networking events, which I never even thought about going to. I did things that were outside of my original scope of simply getting a pharmacy degree. I interviewed for a volunteer position at a clinic, where only two students would get accepted, and got it. I attended a class and got certified for mental health first aid, which literally no one told me to do. I quit my job at CVS. I borrowed a book from a local library to study for a certification exam, which I passed, to help me get a job elsewhere. I applied for jobs, which I didn’t get. I asked on a whim to shadow one of my professors at a behavioral health facility for a day and ended up with another research project on my hands to work on over the weekends. That semester was also the first time I was actually looking forward to a class - two to be exact: “Neuropsychiatric Therapeutics” and “Concepts in Psychiatric Pharmacotherapy.” My interests in mental health and pharmacy were colliding.

To this day, I still don’t know what happened. Maybe it was the rush of sweet change that got me working harder. Or maybe it was the “real world” that was finally looming over the horizon, and I wanted to quickly pack some stuff into my resume. Surely, there were some moments in that semester that I faked passion for pharmacy for the sake of making myself look better. But all of a sudden, pharmacy was starting to become more than just something that consumed my life every day with notes and exams. And for some bizarre reason, I was beginning to enjoy it.

There was no one who turned on my switch, no one who told me to take initiative - yet I was acting as if some sort of external force was pushing me to take leaps as a student. But there wasn’t.

My interests were finally lining up with what I was studying for about five years, and I was starting to take things into my hands to make it that way even more. Yes, that is why I was, at last, beginning to take hold a new passion for a profession that I never thought of myself being in. The interest in helping people, in being a decent human being, that I’ve built over the years because of my friends, my church - they were becoming tangible. There was no need for someone to flip a switch in my head. Something like this didn’t really need one.

And that’s what I’m hoping I could do. Whether that’d be now as a student or in the future as a pharmacist, I want to inspire others the same way that my friends inspired me in my past, to fuel people’s interests and motivations that they may not even know they have. The truth is, you’re helping people all the time. You don’t just have to be counseling them on a medication. And you don’t just have to be giving them a vaccination. You help people in your everyday actions and conversations. Every word of encouragement, every piece of advice, every lighthearted joke has a way of changing one’s life for the better. And as for yourself, you become a little bit closer to becoming that “decent human being.” Pharmacy is just one path - the path that I’ve taken - to help me to reach that goal.

There are still some things I fake, of course. Besides, I don’t know if this road ahead for me is the best one. But writing all this out - it’s clear I’ve come a long way already. And I know that even if this path doesn’t necessarily work, I’ll still probably learn something. Hopefully, at least.

Not the most horrible idea. But it’s still terrible because this goes so off-track about the topics I’m supposed to write for my real thing. Nevertheless, I feel pretty good about what I wrote. Also, it’s 5 am. The alcohol didn’t help with that at all.

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paddysnuffles · 3 years

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I posted 3,749 times in 2021

103 posts created (3%)

3646 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 35.4 posts.

I added 142 tags in 2021

#the real life of me - 32 posts

#canada - 20 posts

#lol - 19 posts

#alberta - 12 posts

#cndpoli - 12 posts

#i'm just saying - 11 posts

#united states - 10 posts

#abpoli - 10 posts

#coronavirus - 9 posts

#youtube - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 44 characters

#i'm so stressed and it's not even my country

My Top Posts in 2021

I wonder what it is that I do differently toward baby auties and other baby neurodivergents compared to other adults that makes them flock to me and latch on like superglue.

One kid at my previous job liked me so much that after I came back from being away for a few days due to illness they zoomed toward me when they saw me while shouting “YOU’RE BACK!!!!” and tackled my legs in a hug so tight I nearly tipped over.

They also refused to pick out a different book to practice reading until I was the one to talk to them. No one else could make them change books. It took me less than 5 minutes.

Another kid, this one with ADHD, did the tackle hug while shouting thing as well.

Yet another ADHD kiddo liked me so much that his reward for good behaviour was to go to the library to spend time with me.

An alltistic non-verbal neurodivergent kiddo who didn’t seem to like much of anyone apart from her EA would always make happy noises whenever they saw me.

At the school I’m in now there’s a nonverbal autie Pre-K who was sitting in the middle of the hallway and ignoring the EA’s attempts to get him to get up so they could go back to class. I stopped by to say hello to him, ask how his day was going, and tell him I liked his shirt. He considered me for a minute, got up, grabbed my hand, and started pulling me toward his class. Later in the day when I went in to read to his class he wanted me to go sit with him.

There’s a selectively nonverbal autie at work who always makes a point to smile and wave at me, sometimes saying hello.

Is their inner neurodivergent radar telling them that I’m like them or do I treat them so very differently from how other adults do?

111 notes • Posted 2021-03-27 08:10:22 GMT

I find it hilarious when someone posts about a very normal kid interaction and people who have very clearly never spent extended periods of time around kids outright call you a liar about the interaction.

Like, once I posted about this conversation with the kids at the school I worked at where the Grade 4s were talking amongst themselves about how they didn't like Trump because of the things he says and they were worried he'd start a war and people were like "Kids aren't into politics!".

Tell that to 12-year-old me who wrote a letter to the editor to a major newspaper to voice my worries about Canada taking part in the Iraq war.

Tell that to kids organizing their own BLM protests.

Tell that to Greta Thunberg.

Tell that to Little Miss Flint.

Tell that to kids who frequent sites like TIME for Kids and CBC News Kids.

125 notes • Posted 2021-05-06 14:03:44 GMT

PB really needs to start using accents in their English-language stories.

They’re able to put accents in the Spanish version, so why tf is Rafael calling his grandma “vovo” in Open Heart?

Vovo doesn’t mean anything. It’s literally gibberish. The accent MATTERS.

Vovo = gibberish

Vovó = grandmother

Vovô = grandfather

Rafael calling his grandma vovó in a context where he’d likely say vó instead I can understand. The authors don’t speak fluent Portuguese.

The characters nicknaming him Raf instead of Rafa irks me but since they’re not Latino it’s possible.

But vovo instead of vovó? Nope. Sorry. That’s just... not a word in Portuguese.

165 notes • Posted 2021-02-20 09:10:34 GMT

My favourite part of Last Week Tonight Season 7 was hands down how everyone kept wondering “Does Adam Driver know about the thirst jokes regarding him in Last Week Tonight this season?”

See the full post

239 notes • Posted 2021-01-15 18:35:01 GMT

Moose really are That Big

Non-Canadians about the picture of a moose in my post about animal sizes: Moose aren’t that big, that’s photoshopped!

Me: ...You’ve never seen a moose irl, have you?

See the full post

323 notes • Posted 2021-03-19 03:05:05 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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thisnerdsadventures · 3 years

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a summer to remember

hello friends, i definitely just abandoned this whole blog, now didn't i

well i am happy to report that i am still alive, and am thriving!

Here's a rundown of everything that has been going on:

[inserting a readmore because this is long af]

May

So in May, I was definitely just all over the place because I was 1) trying to finish a paper published in a conference!! it literally drove me insane. anyways, then i had to go and finish a 78 page thesis, which involved a really convoluted timeline because i had to finish it ~ a week before the actual deadline so my PI could read it over, but then i had to finish it a few days before THAT so my PhD supervisors could read it over, which meant that i had like one (1) week to write like. all of it.

Luckily I had most of the first half already written, during whatever shitshow April was (April was a lot of coding for the paper, and then not having time to write my thesis). But THEN i had to organize all the data from my own personal experiments, make figures, and draft the entire results section. AND i had like two final reports to do for my class, so my last weeks of academia looked like....

Of course, the day before my thesis was due, I pulled an all nighter, because, of course. What other way would I ever end my academic career. Submitted it though, and I graduated! [LINK TO MY THESIS]

Also! I got vaccinated and felt like death for a whole day, but then my friend came over and we ate fried chicken and watched this show called Miraculous, which is a kids show from France, but for some reason is actually hilarious and really entertaining. Then I felt better, so I proceeded to work on my thesis.

Also, I guess I should talk a little bit about the class I took this semester, which was an industrial organization economics class. We looked at things like how different markets are organized, why they are that way, what market concentration means, how mergers affect competition, and what kind of effect that may impose on consumers. For the final case study (which, I will say, I wrote like 2000 words in a single day, so . applause for me), I looked at the Nvidia-ARM merger and how that may or may not affect competition in the GPU market, the CPU market, and the mobile chip market. I think my analysis was a little bit more surface level, which was fine for me, since I'm by no means an economics expert or even remotely should have any expectations at all, but I read a lot and learned a lot and that's the goal!

So yes, my brief excursion into the field of economics was overall positive, I feel like I learned a lot and now I can read financial articles about the tech industry and not be completely lost, which, again, was the goal.

But yes, May was a lot of work, and once it wrapped up, I got to spend a lot of time with friends post-vaccination! After the 1 or 2 week mark after my second dose, I started going back to the gym, especially to play basketball with folks, which I had missed a lot. I spent a lot of time at my old dorm just hanging out, and got to have a cute salmon dinner over at my other friend's place. And we made cheesecake too.

June (MA->NY->MA->CA)

I finally went to visit my best friend in New York. I hadn't seen her in > 400 days, so it was really a very anticipated event, except we saw each other across the crosswalk, but then the light took like five minutes to turn green, so it was really anticlimactic. Anyways, we ended up bumming around New York and Long Island for a week, and it was nice to spend some time with her after such a long gap.

We spent a day at a vineyard and I fell asleep so

After getting back to Boston, my mom came back from Taiwan to help me move out of my apartment. It was a lot of finding people to sell things to, sweating because it was very hot that week, and praying everything would work out (it did). I also got to have a few final meals with various friends and my mom and I got to take one last lark down the Infinite, which I was really grateful for because it was the first time visitors got to go inside campus in over a year.

Also got into my school's MBA program! Yes i applied to a deferred program (which is like you get into a program, but you don't have to go for 2-5 years, as a way of getting in right after undergrad/grad school, but then accumulating some work experience first). It was hilarious, I was literally shopping in my campus store for a new sweatshirt and I got a phone call from the admissions office saying I got in. My mom had been pushing me to apply to grad programs, and I didn't tell her about it because I didn't know if I would actually follow through. But I got to surprise her with the news, and she was so happy she did the whole "calling all the relatives" thing again.

After flying home, I told myself I'd read more and exercise more, which I have been doing. I got a membership at Planet Fitness, which has been really good for me (going 3x a week), and I've made my way through at least 5 books this summer so far. My holds list at my local library is literally insane. (For recs, I recently read Normal People, which I absolutely devoured, and In the Dream House, which hit really hard for me.)

This summer was also really about reconnecting with high school friends. All three of us were unemployed, with plans to come in the fall, so we were all free to hang out all the time. We started out at the local library planning out a road trip, and we worked out a few times together, and a few coffee dates too. We took a fun day trip down to LA one day, and we visited Malibu, went to the Getty, hit up some local food places in the city. Driving down the PCH with Taylor Swift blaring and the windows down on a hot June day, just hits so different. There is nothing like it.

My friend's birthday was in June, so we put together a little video for her and bought some jewelry, and had a Zoom call to celebrate. Then I got BBQ with some friends and sat in the parking lot eating ice cream until 11 at night just trading stories from our pasts. It felt like the perfect summer life, just staying out until whenever, grabbing food wherever we wanted, with friends I had had for literally a whole decade.

It was already a really good summer, but then July. July was crazy.

July (CA -> MI -> CA -> NV -> CA -> WA -> OR -> CA)

So one Sunday morning, I woke up to a text

Actually, I'm going to do a separate post on the whole Michigan trip because that sh** was on another level of spontaneous, impulsive, crazy life stuff. But anyways, so July started off with a trip to Michigan to visit my friends, and then I came back for the 4th, had 36 hours of rest before my high school friends and I went on a road trip.

This road trip was a little ambitious. We hit spots all up California, from hiking in Sequoia Nat'l Park to Kings Canyon, driving up to Sacramento and visiting art museums, and then going up to Tahoe but staying in Nevada, going kayaking and hiking and sitting on the beach for hours. It was reallllllly hot, but luckily I don't think it ever broke 90 degrees. The views were beautiful, especially at Kings Canyon. The drive in, you're surrounded by huge rock walls, with a thin river rushing by next to you. The hike itself literally feels like you're in nature, like the trail is somewhat defined but not paved, there are no sounds of traffic, the path isn't heavily trafficked so we were the only ones there for the most part. We even saw a deer and washed our faces in the river. Throughout the whole thing, we climbed into so many waterfalls, trying not to slip on rocks.

I hadn't been to Sacramento in over a decade, but it was a cute day trip. There isn't a ton to do there, but it was a nice reprieve from the constant driving and nature. We visited the Leland Stanford Mansion, the Crocker Art Museum, and Old Town Sacramento. A good chance to get a nice coffee, a sit-down meal, and some air conditioning. At Tahoe, we went kayaking on Pope Beach, with the clearest water I have ever seen, followed up by a hike up to a beautiful view of the Lake.

On our way back, we stopped at a lot of interesting places, like small towns like Lee Vining, where we found an Upside Down House; Manzanar, the site of an old Japanese internment camp during the WWII era (which also hit hard); and Randsburg, a literal living ghost town. Overall, getting to travel with my friends finally was so fun, they were so much fun to be around for five days, and getting to explore so much of California was so fun - even though I'd been here for so long, I never knew these places existed.

So I came back and had around 48 hours to recover before my mom and I took a trip up to the Pacific Northwest!

I've always wanted to visit Seattle, and figured I'd hit Portland on the way too. We originally wanted to go to Hawaii but it got so expensive by the middle of the summer, so we decided to stay a little closer to home (probs the better decision bc I was already so tired by this point).

Seattle! Got to visit Pike Place Market many times, grab some coffee at the original Starbucks, see Mt. Rainier, and grab food with three friends! Also went to Bainbridge Island for a day which was SO cute - got to do an olive oil/balsamic vinegar tasting, which sounds so extra, but is actually really unexpectedly fun. At Starbs, I did a cold brew flight, which resulted in a rough night of tossing and turning for me, but I think it was worth it. Other things included the Pinball Museum, Space Needle, and Chihuly Glass Museum!

So I lowkey really wanted to visit Portland because I wanted to achieve a long-lasting dream of seeing an NWSL game in person. So I went to the Thorns Pride game!!

The Thorns fanbase is actually insane, I cannot express to you, like there's this whole fan section that actually did synchronized cheers and routines and was actually ROARING when they scored the entire game. I swear the audience was actually watching them at points instead of the match. Overall, the stadium was going crazy, like I thought I was at a tied Celtics-Bucks game with how loud it was in there. Also I swear, Ali Krieger made eye contact with me and waved.

In addition to that, Portland also has a huge rose garden, a nice Japanese tea garden, a lot of good donut stores and a huge bookstore, so all very up my alley. We also took a day trip to see Mt. Hood and more waterfalls!!

That's a summary of the SEA - PDX trip. Once I got home, my high school friends and I did not waste any time on reuniting to hang out - we went and played ball, grabbed lunch, and then coffee, and then did the same exact thing like two days later and watched a bunch of TikToks, and then spent a whole day at the beach to send my good friend off to medical school in Arizona. They somehow convinced me to go in the water and I got body checked by a wave.

Saw this sculpture on the beach and teared up a little

So proud of my friends for making it to med school, I am so excited to see them at their white coat ceremonies and beyond, I swear I will cry at every step of the way I'm so happy for them. Now that July is pretty much over, most of my fun summer plans are too, and I finally get a chance to catch my breath from that busy busy month. Spending a lot of time watching the Olympics and trying to muster up the motivation to start a fulltime job in < 1 month!!

Overall, I feel like I've been having a really solid summer given the year that was the covid year. I had a Lot of fun, literally probably two summers worth of fun consolidated into one. I think in the beginning of the year, I really wanted this summer to be good, and I didn't have a lot of set plans for the summer, even by the end of May. But somehow, things came together, like Really together, and I had the best summer of my life in this summer 2021. On top of that, I'm reading more than I have since probably middle school, I feel the most in shape that I ever have, I can DRIVE NOW. Only thing that would've made it better was if I got to go back to Taiwan to visit the fam, but unfortunately I can't go back because of strict travel restrictions there and they had a COVID outbreak too :/ I still got around 3.5 weeks of summer to go, so we'll see how the rest goes :)

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undertaleowl · 6 years

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Expanding the Canon, chap. 2

Hey all! Here’s the second chapter, and the fic is now officially on AO3, so go to the link to read, if that’s easier for you!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15027401/chapters/34837757

Expanding the Canon, chapter 2

FOUR MONTHS LATER…

Averia stood in line for the hot dogs and hot cats as she listened attentively to the twins, both talking her non-existent ears off about different topics on either side of her. It was a crisp fall day, the perfect day for her siblings to be playing at recess in their matching green and blue striped t-shirts and jeans. Today was a teacher work day, meaning the kids had the day off. Normally, she would be at work right now, but since her number one babysitter was a high school student who DID have school today, and her other younger sibling also had school today, that left her to take the day off.

It was always a pleasure to have more time with her siblings since she was usually at work from 5:00 AM to 5:00 PM. Her work hours made it so that she only had three or so hours with them until they had to go get ready for bed. Except on the weekends, then they had four hours to spend together, because the twins’ bed times were 9:00 instead of 8:00. She at least got more time with Merri, the oldest of the younger siblings. She was the equivalent of a human twelve-year-old, and so she got to stay up until 9:00 normally and 10:00 on weekends, and she would talk to her book-lover sister about her day and what movies and books were out there, and they would geek out together.

“Next up!” Averia gently pushed on her siblings’ backs to push them towards the counter.

“Think about what you want, you two,” she prodded gently. Sans the Skeleton gave her a lazy salute.

“Hey there, Ms. Averia. What brings you by so early?” he asked as he went to make her usual, her hot cat with the ends so burnt that they were charred. Averia chuckled and gestured to the two kids.

“These munchkins didn’t have school today, and normally they have lunch at 11:00 instead of 1:00, so I’m here early,” she answered, grinning at him. “Glad you were open. Wasn’t sure if you were gonna be or not.” Sans nodded in acknowledgement.

“Oh, you know me. I can be here early since I can do the job with my eyes closed,” he replied. Averia breathed out a laugh.

“Are you sure you actually do the job with your eyes closed, or is that your excuse to sleep when you’re supposed to be working?” Sans was about to respond when he heard two amazed “whoa’s” come from either side of Averia.

“Can you really work while sleeping, mister?” the little girl skeleton asked while wringing her hands, obviously in awe. Sans’ smile became a little softer when he saw the little girl flush purple when he nodded yes to her question.

“That’s SO cool! How do you do it?” the little boy skeleton interjected before Sans could answer, practically jumping up and down. Lato's skull kind of reminded him of Papyrus while his eye sockets were wider, like Sans' own. Averia chuckled and ran her fingers down the back of the boy’s skull.

“Lato, Mr. Sans is just-” Loud, theatrical snoring from the stand interrupted her, and blue magic levitated hot dogs and hot cats onto the grill while condiments were also floating at the ready. The twins giggled while Averia smirked with her arms crossed, her phalanges tapping on her humerus. Her hot cat floated over to her, along with Lato’s and Lora’s plain hot dogs. Sans opened his eye sockets and winked at them.

“Like that, kiddos.”

Averia finally decided, “To hell with it,” and played along. “Mr. Sans is a skeleton of many talents. Now what do you two say to Mr. Sans?”

“Thank you, Mr. Sans,” the kids intoned in unison before taking their hot dogs and rushing to the nearby oak tree, where there was a purple and white checkered blanket spread out for them. She chuckled softly, shaking her head slightly before she looked back to Sans, who regarded her little brother and sister with a warm, content look on his face. She would try to guess why later. They were still only acquaintances, after all, so it would be rude if she asked.

“You know, you’re the first one I’m coming after if Lora or Lato begin sleeping in class while trying to listen to the teachers,” Averia stated, trying and failing to keep her tone serious. Sans shrugged.

“Welp, wouldn’t exactly be a bad thing,” he replied before winking again at her. Averia raised both bone brows and was about to ask what he meant by that when he added, “I’d just give you a free hot cat, and you’d let me off the hook.” Averia felt her cheek bones heat up, nearly glowing green, as he snickered at her. “You’re not as much of the strict librarian that you pretend to be, Ms. Averia.”

The petite skeleton librarian went to retort, but she was interrupted by an unfortunately VERY familiar voice shouting, “Hey thief! How about you do a decent thing for once in your life and stop running?!” Averia closed her eye sockets in exasperation and sighed. Out of instinct, she put her leg behind her and tripped the perp trying to get away. On cue, Armata rushed by in her navy blue uniform and tackled the other skeleton, putting handcuffs on him. The broad and big-boned woman took her role as the first monster police officer very seriously, and the dark circles under her eye sockets revealed that she hadn’t slept in a while. Averia made a note to force her to sleep later in the day or in the week.

“Aw, come on, doll face, it ain’t like the dead broad was gonna miss whatever was taken!” This time, it was Sans who closed his eye sockets and sighed. The handcuffed skeleton must have been one of Sans’ alternates, based on the other’s reaction, the handcuffed man’s short stature, and the identical eye socket shape. Only in contrast to Sans’ blue hoodie, this Sans wore a sweater with a black leather jacket with a fur hood, despite the 60 degree Fahrenheit weather. The other Sans met Sans’ eyelights and brightened. “Classic! Buddy, chum, amigo! Can you please tell the psycho police lady that there’s been some sort of mix-up and that I’d never do anything that bad?” The two female skeletons looked at Sans expectantly, and Sans felt a little bit of sweat drip down the back of his skull.

“I’ve never seen this guy before in my life,” Sans lied, you know, like a liar. Averia had to avert her face to the ground to keep herself from laughing at the obvious falsehood as the alternate growled in the back of his throat.

“Classic, you are fucking dead to me. When I get outta these cuffs, I’m making you pay,” the alternate Sans growled. Sans shrugged while Armata tightened the magic-repressing cuffs, yanked him up to stand on his feet, and scowled at the back of the perp’s skull.

“The only one who’s paying is you, bucko.” Armata turned to Averia and grinned, her cheeks flushed a light pink from the running. “Morning, Avie! Beautiful Autumn day, right?” Averia chuckled.

“I guess so, though I don’t want to keep you from doing your job by talking about what a good day it is,” she tried to coerce, continuously glancing at the arrested skeleton, who seemed to be growing more and more irritated. However, the bulky skeleton woman just waved her free hand as the other hand held the middle chain of the guy’s handcuffs to prevent him from escaping.

“Ah, this bozo isn’t going anywhere. I never see you unless I go to the library, and when I do, you don’t wanna talk to me,” Armata whined. Averia raised both of her bone brows, amused and exasperated at the same time.

“It’s because I work at a library, Ari. Literally, it is the only place where being quiet is an expectation and a rule, so I can’t make an exception for you just because we’re friends. It would be like if I committed a crime, and I told you not to arrest me,” Averia scoffed. Armata responded with a scoff of her own.

“You’re too much of a good-two-bones to do anything like that, so that’s a stupid comparison. Seriously, how have you been? How are the kiddos?” Averia finally caved to her friend’s enthusiasm and giggled.

“Kiddos are fine. Lora and Lato are over on the blanket by the tree.” She motioned over to the two children as they talked with their mouths full, causing Armata to laugh while Averia winced at their lack of manners. “They didn’t have school today, so I took the day off to hang out with them. It’s been nice. Poor Merri had a presentation in her Human World History class today, so the kid will have cookies waiting for her when she gets home,” Averia answered, her voice pitching a little lower sympathetically. Armata hummed in understanding.

“Poor kid. So tell me, sweetie bones, does the fear of public speaking run in the family, or is it a learned trait?” Averia glared at her friend for the comment. “Come on, Avie, it’s an honest question! You’re a grown-ass woman, you don’t even have to speak in public anymore, so why’s it still have you and now your younger sister all fucked over?” Lora and Lato rushed over to them, grinning. Armata grinned down at them. “Hey, who are these big munchkins? I don’t think I’ve seen them around before!” Lora giggled.

“It’s us, silly Ari!” Armata fake gasped.

“No,” she said in fake disbelief. Lato smirked.

“Better believe it, Ari. Also!” He pulled out his wallet, opened it, and pushed it into her side. “Swear jar, two times. One dollar, please!” Armata scowled and fished in her pocket for some loose change. By some miracle, she found four quarters and dropped them into the kid’s wallet.

“Jesus fuck, this is so corny that this could be in family sitcom that airs in the early morning ‘cuz nobody fucking wants to watch that shit. Just get me outta here already,” Sans’ alternate self griped. Armata grit her teeth and dug an elbow into his spine. “Ow, fuck!”

“Are we allowed to ask him for money for the swear, Avie?” Lora asked.

“No,” all of the skeleton adults answered in unison, even the alternate Sans. Armata glared at her captive’s head.

“You don’t even get to think of corrupting these beautiful skellie angels by talking to them. Come on, bastard.”

“Swear jar!”

“Take an IOU, kiddos. I gotta go work.” Armata replied, grinning wryly at them. She looked in Averia’s direction. “Milonga’s got a gig Saturday. I’m sending you the info, and you are coming. It’s after your shift at the library, so you’re coming, and I won’t take no for an answer!” Before Averia could respond, Armata was strutting down the street to the Ebott City police car.

“Avie? We finished our lunches. Can we go play on the playground, pleeeeeeeeeeease?” Lora begged, making her eyelights turn into stars. Averia looked at the close playground and back to her little brother and sister, who were looking at her with pleading eye sockets. Averia nodded, smiling when the two brightened and ran off, giggling.

“Stay where I can see you,” she called after them. Neither responded, so she sighed and shook her head before turning to smirk at the skeleton vendor.

“So...you have an alternate, huh? What’s that like?” she asked, barely restraining a laugh. Sans chuckled despite himself.

“The ones I’ve met are ok, even the dumbass who just got himself arrested. It’s harder to feel bonely now since I know there are other skeletons, even if most of them are my weird twins I never knew existed. I’m pretty sure my brother and I were the only skeletons in our sector,” he explained lazily. Averia cocked her head to the side.

“What sector are you from? I don’t think I’ve ever asked, sorry,” she inquired apologetically. Sans waved a bony hand.

“Meh, it’s not like you’re the type to pry out the bare bones of my life story,” he joked, smirking a little bit when Averia failed to bite down a smile at the pun. “I’m from Sector 1. So is my bro.” Averia gave him a confused look. “What?”

“You sure you’re from Sector 1? I think I would remember a short, punny skeleton with a hot dog and hot cat cart wandering around,” she noted. Sans felt his eye lights flicker for a moment as he eyed the skeleton regular, intrigued.

“What, you’re from Sector 1? Which area? The capital? I didn’t spend too much time there, so that could be why we never ran into each other.” Averia shook her head. “No, we were in between the locked entrance to the Ruins and Snowdin Town. My aunt was a great climber, and there was this crevice that looked like a jagged crack in the ground, but it led to a canyon. That’s where we lived. We used to come out a lot more often, but then someone decided to build this weird bridge thing with bars. So that decreased mobility a little bit, but we came out to do major shopping in the Capital, for food and blankets and stuff.” Sans looked like he wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. “Mr. Sans? You ok there?” Sans decided to go with laughter apparently. Averia regarded him with the same confused expression until his laughter faded.

“Thank my bro for that. We were sentries in Snowdin Forest. That was supposed to be a gate to stop humans in case they came from the Ruins,” he finally explained. Averia’s expression must have darkened because Sans gave her a guarded look. “Look, my bro wouldn’t have intentionally hurt a fly. If we’d known there were monsters--”

“Oh, I’m gonna have some serious words with her,” she growled, interrupting Sans’ assurance. Sans cautiously reached out and poked her arm, and seemed a little bit apologetic when she jumped nearly a foot in the air, like a cat that got spooked.

“You aren’t mad at my brother for building that bridge and gate thing, right?” he asked. Averia felt her face flush the same color as her magic, a lime green.

“Oh, gosh no! Sorry, I just got lost in thought, I guess, heh heh,” she tried to chuckle, but it was obvious that she was still tense and uneasy, especially since he was still eyeing her like a bomb that might blow any moment. “My aunt just told us that the bridge was to keep bad monsters out. I’m miffed because it wasn’t anything like that after all.” Sans was still kind of gaping at her, so she just accepted her failure at socializing. “Ugh, sorry. I should really go and check on the twins. Nice seeing you again, Mr. Sans,” she rushed before practically sprinting off, almost barreling over a human child with a purple and blue striped sweater, and was that the former queen with them!? She rushed past even more quickly as the human child and Toriel went to Sans’ stand.

She REALLY needed to learn how to not daydream or get lost in thought while she was talking to someone.

#ETC #original work #fan fiction #ut sans #ocs #uf sans #slice of life fic #Ebott is a multiverse theory

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exxar1 · 4 years

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Episode 7: New Year, New Project (Sort Of)

1/11/2021

Happy new year!

Things aren’t looking so good for the nation right now, but I’m pleased to say my new year is off to a good start. Sticking to my resolutions has been pretty easy thus far, especially the first one. Thanks to the Bible app on my phone and iPad, I’m able to keep up with my daily devotions on my lunch break. I also bought myself a Bible and a cover for it on Amazon as a Christmas present to myself. While I normally enjoy reading books on my Kindle or iPad, I decided that I prefer to read my Bible the old fashioned way. So I use that one for my devotions right before bed.

This week I also began work on one of my other resolutions. Last month, as I was browsing Amazon, I stumbled across a book titled “Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity”. It’s by a young man named Gregory Coles. Both the title and synopsis intrigued me, so I bought it for reading later. This week, I decided to use my lunch break to read instead of just playing games or surfing social media on my phone. I started Greg’s book on Monday and finished it by Friday.

And…wow.

This is the synopsis from Greg’s website:

Let’s make a deal, you and me. Let’s make promises to each other.

I promise to tell you my story. The whole story. I’ll tell you about a boy in love with Jesus who, at the fateful onset of puberty, realized his sexual attractions were persistently and exclusively for other guys. I’ll tell you how I lay on my bed in the middle of the night and whispered to myself the words I’ve whispered a thousand times since: “I’m gay.”

Is it possible to be gay and still follow Jesus? And if so, what happens next? If you believe the Bible calls you to celibacy, is it possible to embrace that calling without feeling like a divine typo?

Single, Gay, Christian is the story of one person’s journey through these questions. It’s about acting like your own alter ego, about getting epiphanies from mosquitoes, about singing happy birthday to yourself while literally hiding in a closet. It’s about being gay, loving Jesus, and choosing singleness in a world that fears all three.

Greg is only in his late twenties, and he published his story just four years ago. I was immediately captivated by his writing as he put into words so many thoughts, feelings, doubts, questions, and fears that I wrestled with in my teen years and, again, have started grappling with after reaffirming my salvation and faith in God four months ago. Like him, I was terrified of anyone discovering my secret. Like him, I questioned why God had made me this way. But unlike Greg, the only way that I could reconcile my conflict was to reject God, the church and the Bible altogether. I chose to walk into adulthood on my own, living my truth as I saw fit.

Greg, however, stuck it out with God. The end result is that he came to believe it was God’s will for him to remain celibate. He’s currently serving as worship leader in his local church while teaching English part time at the university as well as writing a second book. As for me, I’m about to start the very same journey that Greg just completed.

Four months ago, when I finally surrendered to God in a heartfelt, pleading, somewhat awkward prayer on a quiet car ride home from work late one night, I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to have to return to the very same issue that I had wrestled with in high school. That was one reason I created this blog, and I’ve spent the last four months mentally preparing myself by slowly opening various doors to my past and peeking hesitantly behind them. The first door was episode two of this blog.

This week, as I read Greg’s story, I slowly realized two things. One, it was time to tell my story, and two, it needed to be more than just a blog. One of my new year’s resolutions was to tackle the issue of homosexuality and Christian faith, to reconcile this once and for all so that I could move on with the rest of my life. Greg’s story gave me the realization that the best way to tell my story was to also write a book. So that’s what I’m going to do.

But then something else occurred to me. I don’t want to tell just my story. I want to broaden the scope of the book to discuss this issue in more detail. I want to interview pastors and church leaders of different denominations to hear their interpretations of God’s view on this issue. I also want to talk to others like me who have been struggling with reconciling their faith in God with being gay. I want to deep dive on Google and Amazon to find books and other resources that will help me learn the history of the church and its relationship to the issue of homosexuality. My story is going to provide the frame. All of my interviews and research will be the painted portrait. I’ve even come up with a title: Living Beneath the Rainbow: Reconciling my Homosexuality with my Christian Faith.

Early in my senior year of high school, as part of a joint assignment for my Bible and English classes, my teachers assigned my class a religious topic that we had to research and write up in a term paper. In addition to the usual library research, we were required to interview the pastor and other leaders in our church. As with everything else in high school I did the absolute bare minimum required to complete this assignment. I loved English but despised Bible class, and I can’t even remember the topic my partner and I were assigned. I think it was predestination. Whatever the case, I did the library research, we both sat down for all of 10 minutes with the pastor, and then I wrote the paper. I have no doubt that our teachers gave us a “B” at best, or, more likely, a “C”.

Mrs. Tutty, I know you’re a regular reader of my blog postings, so I want you to know that I’m here for my makeup assignment. This time it’s just me, and this time I promise to do more than just the bare minimum. This project will require my heart and soul. In addition to the various research methods, Bible reading and prayer, I will be returning to my own past. There’s a scared, angry, frustrated, lonely – so desperately lonely – kid that’s been waiting 25 years for me to talk to him. I am going to have to peel away the faded scars of old wounds that I assumed were healed long ago. I need to reconcile with myself before I can start reconciling and building my new relationship with God. I know already that this is going to be painful, and part of me really doesn’t want to do this. I would rather just focus on the main issue and go from here.

But, in the last couple months, as I’ve been my Bible and learning all over again how to pray, I have felt God strongly reminding me of that burden that I thought I had thrown away years ago. In many ways, I’m right back where I started as a freshman in high school. How do I reconcile my faith with being gay?

But that’s not the only reason I need to write this book. Last year I decided that I wanted to get a boyfriend. I was tired of living the single life, and I had felt a need for quite some time to find that “special guy”. That was back in June when I created the Tinder profile and I met “Alfred”. And those of you who read my blog already know how that turned out. But that didn’t stop me from continuing my search for true love.

But, right about that same time is when God started to actively work within me, flipping all kinds of switches that woke me from my 23-year-long selfish complacency. I gave myself back to Him started this new journey.

Sometimes irony can be a real bitch.

After finishing Greg’s book, I have been having all kinds of new inner conflict. The main question now is, what if God’s will for the rest of my life is that I remain celibate? Just when I have begun experiencing a new kind of loneliness and the accompanying desire to satisfy that romantic hunger, I am now faced with the prospect that that hope will be forever denied me. My secret hope for this new project that I’m embarking on is that I will find the answers I’m looking for. That I will find a new peace with God and I can finally put to rest this issue once and for all.

But, deep down in my soul, my super-secret hope is that not only will I resolve and reconcile this issue, but that I will also be rewarded with finding love in a lifelong relationship with another Christian man. I desperately want to experience that love that my parents and all my brothers and so many other people in this world – especially other gay Christians – have already had the joy of living and experiencing.

But…

But what if I reach the end of this particular journey and I get the answer I don’t want to hear?

I promised God four months ago that I was His completely – heart, mind, body and soul. I will do whatever He asks of me. And in my head I know that He will give me the strength and resolve to follow through on that promise when He finally gives me answer to His will. But in my heart, I just don’t know if I can accept the answer if it’s one I don’t want to hear.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. In my typical, type-A personality fashion I’m listing all the things that can wrong with the car before I even begin the road trip. It’s time to just get in, turn the key, and start driving.

There’s also one more good reason to embark on a project like this one. I came back from Christmas vacation transformed. Not only did I feel well rested and refreshed, I also felt a very distinct sense of inner calm and centeredness as I jumped right back into a full time work schedule at both jobs. I hadn’t realized until now, looking back over the last seven months, just how angry, frustrated, and downright hostile I’d become, thanks to all the shenanigans of this country’s citizenry. I spent most of my free time surfing social media, arguing with strangers, ranting and raving like Chicken Little on speed and steroids, and most of it was for very little real result, except maybe fueling my own warped sense of righteous indignation and moral superiority. (But, for the record, I was right about almost all of it.) It also didn’t help that I was charging through most of my days on just 4 ½ hours sleep per night, thanks to the two full time jobs.

My ten day vacation was a Godsend, in more ways than one. Not only did I catch up on sleep, but I also took the time to do some serious reflection and prayer. When I returned to Las Vegas last week, I felt an eerie mixture of calm and peace, as if my whole self was enveloped in a nice, warm invisible blanket. Even that whole, crazy shitstorm on Wednesday at the capitol didn’t ruffle me. I completely ignored the TV in the break room at Walmart as I devoured Greg Coles’ story on my Kindle app. Even my interactions with the customers at both jobs were different. The old me would have been silently judging and cursing all the annoying people – the ones who take forever to do a simple task like printing off a bank statement for a loan application, or they ask dumb questions about common sense stuff, or they want to give me their whole life’s story while the ten people in line behind them silently glare at both of us.

But not the new me. I came into the new year with a new attitude. I knew I needed an adjustment. That’s why one of my resolutions was to be more kind, sympathetic and understanding to the people I interact with daily. But I think my calm, peaceful state of mind is also due to my renewed faith in Christ. I know that no matter how shitty the world around me is going to get, I have faith in the One who’s really in control of it all. And now, thanks to my new writing project, I have something into which I can pour all of my free time, my energy, my passion and my creativity.

I don’t know how long this will take. I’m hoping no more than a year, at most. I’ve already made contact with someone I found on Twitter who runs a ministry in Nashville, TN, that helps churches to create their own ministries specifically to help LGTBQ Christian teens who are struggling with their sexual identity and their service to God. I also contacted Greg Coles via his website to thank him for his book and I asked him if he would be willing to correspond with me to discuss his story – and my own project – further. No response as of yet.

But now I have a special request for all you out there reading this. If you know of someone like me who’s going through this same struggle and is willing to talk about it, or if you belong to a church that is either gay friendly or not, or if you know of any resources that you can point me to that will help in my study and research on this topic, I would greatly appreciate the assistance. I especially would like to speak to pastors or church leaders of the Lutheran, Presbyterian, Episcopalian or Methodist denominations. (I already have a Baptist pastor in mind for my first interview, hopefully later this week.)

Happy New Year, folks! It’s going to be a good one! I can feel it!

As my brothers would say, “Hoo-Rah!”

#single #gay #Christian #life #writing

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