#live deliciously? bitch we invented delicious

[autisticlancemcclain]

The doorbell rings, for the billionth time that night, and Keith groans.

“Please,” he begs, “please can we pretend we’re not home.”

His husband gleefully ignores him, disappearing with a faint ‘pop’ sound. If Keith let his ears hear as far as they would like, he’d hear another faint pop as Lance reappeared in front of their door, candy bowl in hand, and the subsequent delighted gasps of various costumed children. He’s hear the young voices yell ‘trick or treat!’ in unison, and mourn the time when he very well could give them a trick instead, as Lance fawns over their little costumes, shovels a truly ridiculous amount of candy into their little pails, and then poofs back into the living room.

But he does not listen in, because he is — as Lance says — the Scrooge of Halloween, and refuses to find any joy in the stupid holiday.

“You are going to get yourself caught,” he mumbles into Lance’s hair, once the witch has resettled on the couch.

“Am not, batboy,” Lance responds breezily, leaning into Keith’s hold. “And so what if I get caught? What’re they going to do? Burn me at the stake again?”

“You jest, but that was a horrible thing to witness. I can’t believe how stupidly happy those asshole pastors and judges were.”

Lance hums, turning his head to press a quick kiss to Keith’s cheek. “That was 400 years ago, my love. Let’s let the past stay in the past, hm? Plus, it didn’t even hurt, and you bled those motherfuckers dry, anyway.”

“And they were delicious,” Keith growls.

“Mm, somehow I doubt that. Didn’t the abundance of lead in every living surface in the 1600s make blood taste bitter?”

“…Okay, yes, but the satisfaction was very sweet.”

He feels Lance’s smile where its pressed into his collarbone. “Of course, cielo.”

They have a single moment of peace, then Keith’s ears twitch, and he growls.

Lance grins wider. “Hear some footsteps?”

“Your insistence on indulging this stupid tradition is making me want to break my no-eating-children rule.”

Lance laughs as he gets up — again — and puts on his truly gigantic witch’s hat, which is objectively kind of funny, but Lance has been making that joke since the 70s so Keith refuses to laugh. “Haven’t you heard Hansel and Gretel’s story, my love? Eating children is my job.” His eyes twinkle with mirth (literally. He lets a flash of green envelop his irises when he’s amused. Every time). “Don’t you know I’m fattening them up for a reason?”

He pops away again as the doorbell rings. Keith rolls his eyes fondly, unmuting the TV — a human invention he’s admittedly quite fond of — and watching absentmindedly some silly, animated character tries to outwit a bedlam.

Keith scoffs. As if a human could outsmart a bedlam. Those bitches could outsmart G-d. (Keith knows. He’s talked to the guy. Not very bright, that one, despite knowing all information ever to be known.)

“Oh, those ones were so cute!” Lance coos, popping back onto the couch. Keith rolls his eyes again.

Children-eater, his ass.

“The youngest one could barely walk on her little legs. She had the most adorable little fairy costume —”

Keith perks up. “Really? A faerie costume? With the empty eyes and sharp teeth and everything?”

“No, you dork. One of the fake fairies. The human-made ones.”

“Oh.” Keith pouts. Of course humans can’t even get a simply faerie right — as if the fae have tiny iridescent wings and slave their lives away keeping human lives in balance.

(Tinkerbell was a blight to human society. Pidge was so offended when she saw it that she snapped the disc used it to stab the last person she saw litter in her forest.

It was hilarious.)

“I hate humans,” Keith grumps. “They tolerable before, but now they’re infuriating. Damn the printing press.”

Lance bursts out laughing. “I promise you that humans were annoying long before literacy was widespread.”

“Yeah, but at least then I didn’t have to hear about it.”

“No? You never once donned your velvet cape and lace blouse and went looking for human gossip? I seem to recall you taking me to a masquerade ball or seventy in the gothic era, and you were quite happy to do so.”

…Fuck. Lance knows him too well.

“That was different,” Keith insists, lying like a liar. “Gothic era gossip was hilarious. They were terrified of me. I can’t count how many humans would whisper warnings to me about ‘dangerous blood-suckers living in the castle in the mountains’ only to faint when they saw my fangs. Now that —” Keith sighs wistfully — “that was an era.”

Lance places a gentle, mocking hand on his shoulder. “There, there, batboy. Humans still tremble at the thought of you and all the other Edward Cullens of the world.”

Keith glares at his husband, but there’s no heat behind it and the man knows it, judging by his smug, sunny smile. “You are a menace,” he says, leaning over and nipping his ear, just sharp enough to draw blood. “How dare you bring up that… disgrace to the vampire name.”

“The bane of your existence?” Lance clarifies, giggling. “The main reason you have so much beef with the 21st century?”

“I’m completely justified!” Keith cries, digging his fingers into Lance’s ribs. “Now humans write horny fanfiction about my kind instead of wallowing in terror! It’s horrible!”

“I mean, I get why they’re so lusty,” Lance says, wiggling his eyebrows. “There’s a certain something about those teeth, let me tell you.”

If Keith could blush, he would, but luckily for him he left that behind several hundred years ago.

(A thousand years ago?

Whatever. He’s been alive a long-ass time. Years start to blur.)

He grabs Lance by the ankle, pulling him closer and leaning down to press sharp kisses up his calf.

“Trying to ask for something?” he asks, voice muffled into Lance’s warm skin.

“Definitely trying to get somewhere,” Lance says, voice breathy and affected. “You should —”

Ding-dong!

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Keith yells, and Lance bursts out laughing, hands pressed to his reddened face.

“Okay, okay,” he relents. “I think we’re done with trick or treating for tonight.”

He snaps his fingers, and a bowl painted like a jack-o-latern filled with candy appears hovering in front of him. He pulls it gently towards him, whispers something in Latin, and tosses the bowl in the air. It hovers directly above them, bright green smoke billowing around it in opaque clouds, before the smoke clears, leaving the bowl looking unchanged. Lance snaps his fingers again and the bowl pops out of existence again.

“There,” Lance says with no small amount of satisfaction. “Now they can get their own candy, and they won’t be able to take more than two, so it should last.”

Keith sighs, pretending to be indifferent, but really he’s just all fond and squishy. He hates halloween, sure — but he loves his husband, and his husband loves halloween, so he’ll put up with the holiday with as minimal complaining as possible.

Keith grins, devilish and sly. Besides, he thinks, the annoying part of halloween is over, now. Now comes the good part: Lance is always more…energetic, when there’s dark magic in the air.

And all hallow’s eve has plenty of dark magic hanging over every street corner.

“Now that there are no more interruptions,” he says, manhandling Lance until he’s straddling Keith’s hips, arms around his shoulders, their faces inches apart. “I think we were getting somewhere.”

Lance smirks, closing the distance.

“Yes, I think we were.”

[blacksupremacy86]

The New Man Of The House - Universe

In honor of my 3,000 followers as of yesterday

Why is it after I finally get my shit together in life it’s in a newly created neighborhood of a certain style like never existed before in this world.

The head of this neighborhood lives in the center of the area proudly dressed in a tight two piece suit, dress shirt, and black shiny shoes to boot.

Patrick is his name the head of this inventive neighborhood invites me over for a welcome drink and i cross the street knocking on his door he opens it.

I enter the hallway as the door shuts close in my face I feel a shift in the air and he offers me a drink glass cup of ice tea taking a sip between his lips.

He tells me I can take a seat in the living room which I do, I snap my finger in a whiff of his scent, and I notice him return to the room.

I am pretty evil at the moment checking all of the corners he sits down, I manage to dig out a new blend of Hypno drops I pour a few in my hand.

His toaster oven goes off alerting him to take out the goodness of dinner he prepares

for us happily I pop the fork off dropping in a few pills.

I twist the cork closer tightening it removing it into my palms and then shaking it up in the air as the alcoholic beverages mixes

all together.

He returns to my side sliding in the seat next to him he sighs heavily with dirty and super withering hands grabbing the bottle then he flips the top off.

The bottle lifts curling in between his lips as they close around it taking a sip of the drink I can see it burn down his throat I can see it get to work.

Narrowing, constricting and releasing all in one go downing it there is a buzzing reality type of situation causing his body going in to a state of shock.

He froze instinctively by a short, small and an odd stimulating response touching him to the side and I laugh waving I hand in his face.

My hand moves faster like the wind tapping his tiny head hitting him on impact as he fell back into the couch and I shut down the house.

The window blinds drop, doors lock and the window shut throughout the house leaving us utter alone the place is so dark but perfect.

I walk into the kitchen taking the well done meat, finish the rice and completed the rest of the meal and I let the aroma fills through the home.

I notice upon my return Patrick is awoken in heat from his deep slumber his clothes are spread onto every surface and he his drunk off his ass.

Music on playing loudly, dancing and blindly singing his next rock and roll song jumping up and down as he slid across the floor in his underwear.

He does some more dancing smiling at me he can’t believe it the smell of such delicious food hits his nose thralling his senses I hand him a bottle.

“What you don’t know mother fucker.”

“Mwahahahahaha…mother fucker”

“I need you to do me a favor “

“Use all of these seasoning”

“On every inch of your food”

“Only the food on your plate”

“Yyyeeesss! Whatever you wish!”

“I won’t displease you “

“Hurry your ass up”

“Stand still bitch”

“My hand is about to have a adventure “

“We can eat after “

“All I deserve is you “

“All I need to give me nutrients “

“Is me?”

“You are hilarious “

“Hardly”

“I am your maker”

Daddy is no longer home I think that is very clear to me I think as he gobbles down his dinner.

J let him continue to surprise me once more in a frantic motion he falls to his knees in awe of me.

He belts a toon reaching for a remote to use like a microphone singing in repeat a whole a cd worth of songs.

A minute ago he would look at me with a lot disgusting facial expression on his face in an overwhelming feat.

His body slips in between my legs rubbing my knees down my legs to under his feet and he inhales it.

He sucks my toes up along with kissing and licking them up in every inch and crevice of it.

“What the fuck?”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Oh! Hey son”

“That’s all you have to say”

“Explanation now”

“Charlie help him”

“Fine!”

“Get over here”

“Dad! Why?”

“Ssssshhhhh! Relax”

“Mwahahahahaha “

“Did I do well sir?”

Apparently he mixed a few of the pills and the seasoning in advance to make a nice serum concoction.

The needle digs injecting under his skin in a state of bliss he is instantly dropping into a deep sleep.

Eyes falling back into his eye sockets they closes causing his body to fully collapse in his arms.

“Oh Master! He is ready”

“Stuff his face full”

“Yes Sire”

“Chew it up bitch”

“Yyyyuuuummmm”

“Fucker”

“Master the army brat walks in”

“My brother”

“You two”

“Hide behind the door”

“Hello Henry!”

“Stand down I have a gun”

“Mwahahahahaha “

“Guys make use of him”

“Dad hold him”

“What are you two doing ?”

“You smell good kiddo”

“That’s gay Dad”

“Wow! I raised a weakling”

“More like a bitch”

“I am not either! Let me go”

“This won’t hurt then”

“NO STOP!”

“Uuuugggghhh…uuuughhh….ooooohhhh….aaahhhh”

“Hey bro!”

“What are you doing here?”

“Why should I not be?”

“It’s my work”

“Fuck that!”

“Shut up and kneel”

“Bro!”

“I said kneel”

“Inject me”

“Hold him”

“Bro’s stop”

“ZIP IT!”

“Aaaaahhhhhh!”

“That hurts”

“Grow a pair”

“Bastard”

“Nighty night”

“Sleepy time”

The end

[kissorkill16]

When We Were Once Happy: A Hello Neighbor Fanfic

By JJ

Summary: A story before Trinity moved to Raven Brooks.

Chapter 9

Nicky was just lying down in his bed, relaxing after a long day of school. Today was his first day at an after school club.

Lucy was the leader, and for a seven year old, she was extremely smart. It was too adorable for Nicky to handle. He had fun, he made a whole lot of new friends, and got to help out with a lot of inventions.

The only downside was that Aaron wasn't there, he told Lucy that while he'd love to join her little club, he had better things to do than watch a bunch of nerds try to put stuff together.

"Narf! Can you come down here? There's someone we want you to meet!"

Hearing his mother's voice, he got up and trodded downstairs, and was absolutely surprised by who was at the door.

"See, we know you've met this Aaron Peterson kid, but have you met his father, Theodore Peterson?", his father said, stepping out of the doorway.

Mr. Peterson stood there on the front porch, holding a tray of cookies. He smiled at Nicky, but nothing too creepy, he was just being friendly.

"Hello, Nicholas."

While he was being nice, Nicky was still a little scared of this guy. So he stood closer, and hid behind his mother.

"It's so nice to meet you, Mr. Peterson. Would you like to come in?", his mother said.

"That'd be lovely, Mrs. Roth."

Mr. Peterson stood inside, and Nicky got even more scared. He hid behind his mother completely, not wanting to be anywhere near this hulking man in argyle.

"Let's talk in the living room, shall we?"

The family walked to the living room, and started chatting while eating cookies. Nicky had a cookie himself, and he hated to admit it, but they were delicious.

"I tell you, Ted. These are so fucking delicious.", said Mr. Roth.

"Jay! Would you cool it on the swearing, at least don't swear in front of the guest.", said Mrs. Roth to her husband. Then she turned to Mr. Peterson. "But all BS aside, these are very delicious."

"Hypocrite."

"I said BS."

Nicky sat beside his parents, listening to them playfully argue. He was too busy watching Mr. Peterson, he was just sitting there, minding his own business, and he somehow looked less terrifying.

"But everything aside, why're you here Mr. Peterson?", asked Nicky. Mr. Peterson turned his full attention to Nicky.

"To welcome you to Raven Brooks. I'm sorry I'm a little late, I've just been so busy with this new project I've been working on.", he said. "But also to ask you all to come by Golden Apple Amusement Park for the grand opening of my latest and greatest creation."

Jay and Luanne's eyes widened in awe, then they turned to look at Nicky. "He's a theme park designer, Narf. How cool is that?", Jay said.

Nicky nodded, as if he didn't know Mr. Peterson was working on a new rollercoaster that Aaron really wanted to see. "Yeah, so cool.", said Nicky. He didn't mean for it to sound sarcastic, but it just came out.

"LUANNE! I NEED YOU'RE HELP!", Bubba called from upstairs. Luanne angrily got up and went upstairs, before turning to Mr. Peterson, "My mother is a giant bitch."

"Hypocrite!"

"Shut up, Jay!", Luanne said before stomping upstairs.

Jay got up, "I need a drink, all of these cookies have made me parched.", he said before trodding off to the kitchen.

Nicky immediately curled in on himself, he was left all alone with his partially creepy neighbor.

"Now now, Nicholas. I'm not going to hurt you.", said Mr. Peterson, raising his hand. "I'm also here to talk to you about Aaron."

Nicky uncurled himself, "What about Aaron?"

"Listen, I know he can be a little intense, but I see it as a good thing."

"Why?"

"Because so am I."

Nicky looked Mr. Peterson in the eye, while it was scary and kind of uncomfortable, he wanted to try and have a reasonable conversation with this man.

"I get really intense when it comes to my family, and I would do anything to protect them. So it's truly an honor for you to be friends with him despite his intensity. It reminds me of an old friend I used to have."

Nicky's eyes sparkled with glee, "Thank you, Mr. Peterson. But I don't hang out with him because he's intense, I hang out with him because I think he's a really good guy. I'd stay by his side no matter what."

Mr. Peterson smiled.

Just then, Jay and Luanne came back. One tired and angry, the other holding a glass of milk in his hand.

Mr. Peterson stood up, "I should be going. It was a pleasure meeting you."

"It was a pleasure meeting you, too, Mr. Peterson.", said Jay.

And with that, Mr. Peterson left.

Nicky sat alone with his thoughts, replaying what just happened in his head. After that encounter, he thought maybe Mr. Peterson wasn't so bad after all.

[alayne-stonecoldfox]

For the greek goddesses ask Hecate and Athena? (if you don't mind of course)

hecate - if you were a witch, what kind of animal would your familiar be?

oh ABSOLUTELY my ancient blind 18 year old black cat salem whomst I have had since I was 7

Look at all this powerful witchy energy he just exudes at all times

also already answered athena

[spyoikawa]

still on that saiki k brainrot so hear me out-

metori, saiki, teruhashi, aren and hairo with an s/o who really loves to bake/cook-

no thoughts just Reader learning how to make coffee jelly for saiki (like maybe they make him a tower of coffee jelly for an anniversary or his birthday-). no thoughts just Reader cooking something for metori who pretends to not want to eat it cause it’s ‘peasant food’ but ends up really enjoying their cooking. no thoughts just cooking/baking date with teruhashi. no thoughts just teaching aren how to cook/bake and having a food trade with him, bringing him lunch/a snack to school. and no thoughts just hairo hyping Reader up while they cook/bake and making stuff for him to bring to class rep meetings-

thank you! <3

the excitement I got got I saw teruhasi- i don't see a lot of writing for her and I get happy when I get to do less than common things! Thanks!

I'm running low on creative juices, so please I hope you don't mind if I use the exact scenarios you suggested 💀

Note: some of the things I wrote felt really rude so please don't mind the tone tags in parentheses, also i have not edited this yet

Saiki, Teruhasi, Hairo, Aren, and Saiko with an S/O who can cook/bake

♡romantic♡

Saiki Kusuo (italics = saiki telepathy)

Although it was undeniably tasty, your boyfriend's obsession with coffee jelly was not only getting out of hand but also quite expensive-

I mean he spent 3,000 yen for one serving-

But yanno what it's ok, coffee jelly is easy to make, and this gives you an excuse to hang out (not that you need one)

"Ok Ku, i had an idea"

I like it, just make sure you teach me how to do it too

"Rude. I wasn't finished"

You did in your head

As endearing as it could be sometimes, Saiki's mind-reading could be a pain occasionally

You wound me.

"Good. (/j)"

After a long debate over recipes and serving sizes, there it was, in all its glory, your first batches of coffee jelly

it was heaven

You did end up sharing the recipe with him, but it still became a little tradition to make the coffee jelly together

It just tastes better that way :)

Kokomi Teruhashi

In the midst of your TV and cuddles date, Kokomi huffed and turned off the TV

But of course it was rude to just turn off the TV, so she offered to play a board game instead

You did play with her, but your curiosity was begging as to why she wanted to change the activity

"Hey Kokomi, this game is fun, don't worry... but why'd you turn off the TV so suddenly?"

"Oh, it was nothing! I just thought you would like this game, and I wanted you to enjoy yourself more!"

Now, that's the answer the most perfect girl in the world would give

But Kokomi is still human, there's gotta be something wrong

You spent a while thinking to yourself about what you were watching, you two agreed on a documentary, then after the documentary, the channel played a cooking show with a guest baker/cook Makoto Teruhashi- oh.

So that was it

At the end of the round, you stood up and offered your hand to pull up Kokomi with you.

"Hey, wanna make a bet?"

She looked up with a bit of curiosity.

"I bet you, I can make your favorite dish, far better than Makoto can"

She smiled a bit, "sure!"

Her favorite food was simple, so you taught her to cook it and added in some other things just for fun (and so she can't recreate it without your secret ingredients)

Now you guys have cooking dates often and always find ways to spice up foods (and beat Makoto at whatever he was doing on tv)

Hairo Kineshi

my thoughts and prayers go to you

we all saw what happened when he tried to make crepes

but in his mind, it was a learning opportunity

You guys were taking an after-school stroll, the weather was really nice, it would be a shame if you two just went home and did nothing. Walks like these tend to get sentimental and nostalgic, so your conversation subconsciously started to drift towards school life.

"And do you remember that time we had to get kuboyasu, kaido, and nendo to play on a baseball team? Oh my god thank god it didn't go too poorly, that one player really pulled through at the end..." you laughed out

"Haha I do remember that, I can't believe we got them to play, it really could've gone worse" He smiled as he remembered that day, but then his eyes drifted up to a bakery across the road. "Speaking of poor experiences..."

after he explained to you he and kaido's crepe disaster, you couldn't help but tease fun at him for a bit

but you did agree to teach him more about cooking and baking

he's a bit too passionate about cracking eggs, but hey, at least you can work faster

after many, many burnt crepes and pans, there it was, a fallen appart, incorrectly folded, but still a properly cooked crepe sat there in all its beauty

it kinda looked like this

Although he does learn many different things with you, crepes will be the thing he makes over and over again, even when he has it down to a science, just because it's the first thing you taught him, and he will keep that sweet memory forever (get it. sweet? Cause crepes? Im funny i swear.)

Aren Kuboyasu

He actually knows how to cook pretty well

He's not really sure when he picked up cooking, its kinda just stuck around, but he enjoys it, it makes him seem more goody

and he can treat you :)

I will die on my "aren lives for the most basic/domestic activities hill"

cooking with him is always an experience, he will play music in the background, and pull you aside to dance at random times

also does that really hot thing where he stands behind you, reaches around to hold your hands, and basically has you in a cage while showing you how to do something

it's one of those spontaneous things to do, if there's nothing else to do, might as well make something to eat

firm believer in "if you have to eat to live, you might as well eat delicious foods" so he will always try out new things with you if its healthy and tasty

"bab look at this show" you called out from where you were sitting, there was a cooking show/food documentary on, and it was showing a special food. "it says this chicken has a secret sauce they dip it in"

he walked over to the tv and watched it for a couple seconds, thinking a bit.

"...wanna figure it out?"

"yes. I'll make the chicken if you figure out the sauce?"

"deal."

will you ever know if you got the secret sause? Nope, but you did figure out a chicken recipe that is good as hell

he probably writes down all the recipes you "invented" together for safekeeping and so he can return to it later, but he refuses to show it to anyone

Saiko Metori

as much as I love him, we all saw in that one episode how picky he is while eating, and is probably a bitch to please while cooking/baking

so after a lot of convincing, you got him to sit in the kitchen with you so he can watch you bake for the two of you

in reality, all you have to do is give the dish a fancy rich-sounding name, you just have to be really careful with what you say

like this 💀

you decided to bake for him today, baking is a lot more "by the book" than cooking, so you thought he would take a bit of comfort in knowing it was done in a professional way

"alright tori, so I think I'll make a heavy pastry made with fine cacao and extracts, baked into a rich dessert for a fine sweet palette"

"you're making brownies aren't you"

"🧍‍♂️"

Told you, you have to be as specific as possible

He does eventually get interested in what you're doing though, as he never really sees his personal chef cook, and wants to help you by the end

He really did enjoy it! It quickly became one of his favorite treats

But funny enough, no matter how many bakeries he tried or how many times his chef tried, they never tasted the same

(you put in special spices as your own little mark on the treat)

so he ends up having you over for more cooking dates

Which he really does enjoy btw

as a tsundere he will look all annoyed and probably call you a plebe, but these are his favorite types of dates

[shurisneakers]

harmless (iv)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, guns, mention of war, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader

Word count: 1.5k

A/N: good evening i’ve never been to any of the places i mention in this series so dont come @ me

if you have any ideas for future inventions/evil plans, lemme know! i might actually end up using them 

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

He spends the weekend doing nothing. It’s supposed to be relaxing. He finds it nauseatingly boring.

“No mini mission this week?” Steve asks him from across the couch. 

They’re supposed to be catching up on Star Wars but two prequels in and Bucky could feel himself lose his sanity. Anyone could present him with a random assortment of alphabets, call it a Star Wars species and he would have no reason not to believe them.

It’s not like he doesn’t like space. It’s just that he’s had enough of it and everything and everyone who came from it for the foreseeable future.

“No. Someone else is taking care of it.”

“Didn’t you volunteer for this?”

“I pulled myself out of the case.”

“I thought you were having fun.” 

Bucky’s head slowly turns to look at him. “Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Steve shrugged. “Looked like you were.”

Well, he wasn’t. He likes it here at home, glued to the TV. Popcorn beside him, sweatpants on. Refreshing, calming, slow, mundane, and Jesus Christ, so fucking boring-

His spiralling is interrupted by the dinging of the elevator to the common floor. No one was allowed up there unless it was extremely urgent. Guests were barely allowed into the Tower as it was. 

It reveals the receptionist from downstairs, Marie. She’s always a little reserved, a little shy. But Bucky had seen her chew and spit out trespassers or anyone who dared to get on her nerve. He adores her.

“Hey, Marie,” Steve says while Bucky sends her a friendly wave in greeting. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s a hostage situation downtown,” she informs them. 

“Okay...” Steve drawls, waiting for a reason why this was an Avengers level threat.

“They’ve asked for Mr. Barnes by name.” She makes a mention towards him.

Bucky sits up straight. Bits of popcorn fall off his chest. 

“What?”

“They said, and I quote-” she looks down at her notepad. “‘Tell that grumpy motherfucker that I’m waiting for him and that he’s not getting out of this so easily because we have come too far.’ End quote. They’ve also told me to include a kissing emoji. And a skull.”

Steve and he look at each other.

“Well?” Steve prods. 

Bucky sighs and gets up to go get ready.

The entrance of Chuck E. Cheese is more crowded than he’d ever seen. He wasn’t even sure he’d seen people in the store before. If there were, they probably only came up till his waist. 

There are a few journalists, a few policemen standing together outside. Whispers of confusion and curiosity reigned free. 

Bucky gently pushes his way to the front. He gets a nod from a police officer who opens the door for him after a quick briefing. 

The place is darker than it usually would be. A trademark, it seemed. The blinds are drawn shut and most of the light is coming through whatever sneaks in through the crack. 

“Hey, Barnes.” Your voice is muffled by a mask that looks suspiciously like it was made out of classroom craft supplies.

There’s a person in a loose chokehold in your hand with a gun pressed against his head. Once again it looks straight out of a cartoon, purple with round disks lining its barrel. 

“What’s all this now?” He gestures around monotonously. 

“A hostage situation. Didn’t you get the memo?”

“Got that part down, genius,” he bites back. “But why?”

“Fucker kept harassing me when I was walkin’ down the street.” 

The guy’s helpless gaze met Bucky. 

“Catcalling me, stalking me.” You tighten the grip you have on him. “Call me darlin’ one more time, you son of a bitch. I dare you.”

He wasn’t impressed with his pleading eyes. He kinda felt like he deserved it. 

“Why’d you do it here?” The bright colours were starting to give him a heading. “And where are the staff?”

“It’s symbolic, Bucky,” you emphasise, “He deserves to be among other rat bastards.”

Of course.

“The staff?” he asks again. 

“Gave them thirty bucks and told them to leave. I’m not a monster.”

“Right.” He doesn’t bother refuting you. “Why’d you call me here?”

“Dunno.” You shrug. “Thought it’d be fun. You having fun yet?”

You shake the guy you’re holding. He gives a small whimper. 

Bucky doesn’t want to stop you. He had chugged enough Respect Juice in his lifetime to know that this guy probably deserved a threat or two.

Hell, he’d even help but you were more than capable of handling this on your own.

“Listen,” he sighed. “As much as I’m sure he deserves it, this is technically illegal and I’m required to stop you.”

“Sorry sarge, I thought you weren’t interested in playing this stupid game with me,” you mock, voice dropping to imitate him.

“I’m not.” It wasn’t entirely true. One Saturday with Jar Jar Binks had convinced him otherwise.

“Okay, so before you leave, do me a favour and call Hawkeye. I hear he looks mighty fine when he’s annoyed.”

His face involuntarily scrunched up. You were going to replace him with Clint? Clint?

He probably took it more as an insult than he should have.

“I’m not doing that.” Bless his foul mouthed friend, but he was a little shit who was too sarcastic for his own good. At least twice a week he’d say something stupid to Bucky and then take out his hearing aids when he tried to argue back. 

“You’re leavin’ me with no options here,” you groaned, using your thumb to flip a switch. The gun looks like it powered up, lights along the side turning red.

If he let you have this, it’d be a bad look for the Avengers.

New York man dies in Chuck E. Cheese lone hostage situation, unable to be saved by same superhero who tried to fight Thanos with a machine gun.

“Tell ya what,” he says instead, “If you kill him, there won’t even be a slight chance that you’ll see me again.”

Your grip on the gun falters.

“If I let him go...”

“I might consider coming back next week.” He’s trying to spin it, make it look like he’s the one with the upper hand here. “But you gotta let him go.”

You search his face for any signs of dishonesty.

“Let him go or you’ll never see me again.” It sounds too much like Clint’s arguments with his dog who brought a live squirrel into the house. 

“Fine,” you relent, a glint in your eye. “but say goodbye to this fuckface.”

Before Bucky can open his mouth to shout in protest, you pull the trigger. The man clenches his eyes shut, face red.

He expects blood to be splatter across his face.

Nothing happens.

A barrage of bubbles floats into the room.

“I meant it literally,” you say, pushing him off you. “Say goodbye. He’s leaving.”

The man stumbles to the ground and Bucky doesn’t make any attempt to catch him. He scrambles to his knees, picking himself up and scurrying out the door to a hoard of reporters.

The door shuts behind him with the chime of a bell.

“You’re annoying,” Bucky states, giving a small sigh.

“I’m well aware of that.” You pull off the mask, wiping the sweat off your brow.

“Where is the agent assigned to your case?” 

“Dunno. Last I saw he was crying on the driveway of my lair. I just figured he’d pick himself up later so I left him there.”

Bucky’s nose twitches. 

“You weren’t actually going to kill him, were you.” He shrugs with his shoulder towards the door. It wasn’t a question, more a statement. He knew you wouldn’t. 

“I could have.”

“But you weren’t going to,” he repeats. 

“No,” you admit. “I wasn’t. But I’m glad to see you showed up.”

“You held someone hostage as leverage.”

“No, no. I held someone hostage and then asked to see you. They were completely unrelated.”

“You’re evil.”

“You jumped to conclusions,” you point out. “Would you like a trampoline next time? Maybe a pogo stick, you clown?”

He has a very real gun in his holster. His very real metal death arm aches to use it. 

“No one else agreed to come,” he deflects. 

“We both know that’s a lie. You were going to come back anyway.” You stuff the bubble gun back into the bag. “I’m deliciously irresistible.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Then beg.” You give him a smirk and he rolls his eyes. “Don’t worry, you win this round, sarge.”

He doesn’t say anything. He watches you remove your heist gear, revealing normal civilian clothes underneath.

You walk casually to the kitchen, intending to leave through the back door.

“But I can’t say I lost either.” You send him a wink before swiftly pushing open the door and leaving him behind.

He only watches you leave.

It doesn’t hit him until a few seconds later that he let a criminal out of his hands when there were several policemen and journalists outside.

He entertains the idea of chasing you down and handing you over. 

It takes him only a few seconds to decide that if they wanted you, they’d have to try themselves.

Next part 

[jq37]

Maybe I'm also being animal racist, but a current guess I have for oMaM is that the rabbit Sly saw at the docks was actually the newspaper photographer who seems to be spending a lot of energy documenting Sly's movements at this party, and the bad lighting/state of intoxicated introspection led Syl to make a wrong assumption. (Also did you ever watch Hoodwinked? Spoilers: the reporter bunny did it)

lol hey guys. So I've been fairly MIA the past couple of weeks due to my job trying to actively murder me but I wanted to pop in for a hot second to talk about where we are theory-wise at this point in the season.

First of all, to address the actual ask, I feel like Brennan must have known Longfoot would be suspicious due to ~animal racism~ and put him in as a red herring and now we have even more info to back that up.

I suspect that what's going on with the stuff in the manor is a version of the Pepper's ghost illusion which involves mirrors to do ghostly projections and look pretty darn good for an effect that was invented hundreds of years ago. If you've ever ridden Haunted Mansion at Disney, that's the effect they use to do the waltzing ghosts (fun fact, because the effect mirrors the objects it's used on and the Imagineers forgot to take that into account, all of the female ghosts are leading in the dance!) But that's just fluff, let's talk plot.

So last week's ep threw a LOT of suspicion on Sly with him literally being painted at the villain and Grant doing absolutely nothing to defend himself. And, I'll admit, it would be pretty delicious to not only have Sly foreshadow it earlier with his coy, "Why yes, it also could have been me," and also that Grant himself would have [REDACTED] Rekha a SECOND TIME (watch the Murder Mystery ep of Game Changers if you don't know what I mean--it's my fave ep). But I talked it over with my watch buddy @camwritery and I don't think Sly is actually a baddie. I think this is a double double cross (Lol a cross from Mr. Cross). Here's my thought process.

(1) Yes there's that stack of letters Daisy found in Sly's hand but those easily could have been forged. I'd like Buck to take a look at those since he has that rogue handwriting checking ability.

(2) Squire Badger specially said something was coming to F Sly up and Sly could tell he wasn't the mastermind. Fletcher would make the most sense as to who the mastermind actually is. Like, it wouldn't be so much a twist to the audience but it would be a big ass twist to the CHARACTERS who thought he was fully dead (for the most part) and I feel like that matters more than "subverting expectations" or whatever. It's possible we find out it's actually another party guest I guess (or more likely, that some number of them are involved as accomplices) but Brennan said last week we've met all the characters and it's too late to introduce a new person at this point. And Fletcher is such a through line in Sly and Daisy's stories, it would be weird to not go for the payoff.

(3) So Fletcher is alive. We know this. What would a dead but not dead criminal mastermind want? To ruin his arch nemesis, obv. So, how do you do that? Maybe you fake the death of some mouse to create an unsolvable murder to drive him crazy? And then maybe you work with the person who the fake murder pissed off (because of Sly's inability to "solve" it) to ruin Sly because that guy hates Sly now? And maybe you involve some element of faking deaths in your plan because a faked death is what was central to the original plot that made Sly's reputation and ruined your family? That's so convoluted but this is a guy who handcuffed himself to his enemy and jumped off a waterfall. He's clearly a drama queen and he has nothing but time.

(4) I think Sly has figured this out to some degree and he's decided that letting himself get captured is the best option for him at the moment. Like, he didn't protest at all. Which, yes, checks out to his laidback, posh casual persona but I think he knows that if anything happens to anyone while he's locked up then it casts suspicion on someone besides him or it means the "murders" have to stop because no one will kill anyone while he's not active as a possible suspect due to literally not being able to murder anyone. Speaking of--

(5) Yeah, I don't believe these are murders. All those dead bodies from the list? Badgers, corvids, horned animals. That's the badger fam and their spouses. And the one guy we "knew" was dead also doesn't seem to be dead (which Brennan seeded from the start with Conor's widow hearing his voice which seems possible if she lives so close and he was alive this whole time). I guess framing Sly for a full family murder or something was the plan? But that doesn't quite check out because presumably they'd un-die at some point and I feel like they wouldn't want to live under assumed identities in animal Bavaria or something. I know news doesn't travel fast w/o the internet but they're prominent people. News would spread I assume. Maybe the death faking was to make Sly believe he was crazy? Or to believe in ghosts? Messing with a genius's mind is I'm sure one of the worst things you can do. There's also Buck's Frankenstein theory which is a little out there but they were trying crazy stuff with electricity and dead bodies back in the day. Kind of a wild pull but cam sent me this about a Dr. Squires from the same-ish time period shocking someone back to life. It would be wild and now we have some alt explanations for the electricity but gotta explore all options. And this would Constance to call her dad a madman, lol.

(6) Grant/Sly has a lot more info than us with all those maddening redacted texts so it's very likely he has some long game happening we know nothing about. I wondered if he might have known about Fletcher for a while--when Daisy revealed he was alive he was surprised but I don't remember if he was surprised that he was alive or if it was ambiguous and it might just be that he didn't tell her. I assumed he didn't know at all (because I feel like that's what Brennan narrated in episode 1) but I need to go back and check.

(7) At the end of the day, D20 is a show that rewards love and friendship over betrayal and the like. This very much could be the first season with a real betrayal but I'm kinda skeptical. Sly could just be a big faker but he seems genuine to me. Also, what would his motive even be here? This doesn't seem like his style and I don't know why he'd do this.

(8) Lars failed their check on purpose and Ian saw full puppydog earnestness. Sly if you've been a bad guy this whole time and Lars didn't know, bitch I'll kill you

(9) Not really on topic but I want to note, Daisy's find of that second trick portrait makes me thing my theory was correct and there's a third somewhere. I wonder where.

(10) Even less on topic but the "Show Her Your Butt 2: Electric Boogaloo" sequence last week made me spit soda everywhere and I think that should be acknowledged.

[rigmarolling]

Historical Holiday Traditions We Really Need To Bring Back

Here comes Santa Claus, and also a bunch of annual holiday Things we do to ensure he commits a truly boggling act of breaking and entering and leaves goods underneath the large plant in the living room.

Because I’ve always got a hankerin’ for the days of yore, here are some historical holiday traditions we really need to bring back:

1. Everything that happened on Saturnalia

Saturnalia was the ancient Roman winter festival held on December 25th--which is why we celebrate Christmas on that day and not on the day historians speculate Jesus was actually born, which was probably in the spring. 

Saturnalia was bonkers. As the name suggests, it celebrated the god Saturn, who represented wealth and liberty and generally having a great time.

Above: Their party is way cooler than yours could ever hope to be.

During Saturnalia, masters would serve their slaves, because it was the one day during the year when everybody agreed that freedom for all is great, actually, let’s just do that. Everyone wore a coned hat called the pilleus to denote that they were all bros and equal, and also to disguise the fact that they hadn’t brushed their hair after partying hard all week, probably.

Gambling was allowed on Saturnalia, so all of Rome basically turned into ancient Vegas, complete with Caesar’s Palace, except with the actual Caesar and his palace because he was, you know. Alive. 

The most famous part (besides getting drunk off your rocker) was gift-giving--usually gag gifts. Historians have records of people giving each other some truly impressive white elephant gifts for Saturnalia, including: a parrot, balls, toothpicks, a pig, one single sausage, spoons, and deliberately awful books of poetry. 

Above: Me, except all the time.

Partygoers also crowned a King of Saturnalia, which was a predecessor to the King of Fools popular in medieval festivals. The king was basically the head idiot who delivered absurd commands to everyone there, like, “Sing naked!” or “run around screaming for an hour,” or “slap your butt cheeks real hard in front of your crush; DO IT, Brutus.”

Oh, wait. Everyone was already doing all that. Hell yes.

(Quick clarification: early celebrations of Saturnalia did feature human sacrifice, so let’s just leave that bit out and instead wear the pointy hats and sing naked, okay? Io Saturnalia, everybody.)

2. Leaving out treats for Sleipnir in the hopes of avoiding Odin’s complete disregard for your property

The whole “leave out cookies and milk for Santa” thing comes from a much older tradition of trying to appease old guys with white beards. In Norse mythology, Odin, who was sort of the head god but preferred to be on a perpetual road trip instead, took an annual nighttime ride through the winter sky called the Wild Hunt. 

Above: The holidays, now with 300% more heavy metal.

Variations of the Wild Hunt story exist in a bunch of European folklore--in Odin’s case, he usually brought along a bunch of supernatural buddies, like spirits and other gods and Valkyries and ghost dogs, who, the Vikings said, you could hear howling and barking as the group approached (GOOD DOGGOS).

That was the thing, though; you never actually saw Odin’s hunt--you only heard it. And hearing it did not spark the same sense of childish glee you felt when you thought you heard Santa’s sleigh bells approaching as a kid--instead, the Vikings said, you should be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Because Odin could be kind of a dick.

Odin was also known as the Allfather, and like any father, he hated asking for directions. GPS who? I’m the Allfather, I’m riding the same way I always ride.

And that was pretty much it: “I took this road last year and I’m taking it again this year.”

“But,” someone would pipe up from the back, “there are houses on the road now--we’re gonna run right into them. We could just take a different path; there’s actually a detour off the--”

“Nope,” Odin would say. “They know the rules. My road, my hunt, my rules. We’re going this way.”

So if you were unlucky enough to have built your house along one of Odin’s favorite road trip sky-ways, he wouldn’t just plow right past you.

He would burn your entire house down--and your family along with it.

Kids playing in the yard? Torch ‘em; they should have known better. Grandma knitting while she waits for her gingerbread Einherjar to finish baking? Sucks to be her; my road, my rules, my beard, I’m the Allfather, bitch.

Above: Santa, but so much worse.

To be fair to Odin, he could be a cool guy sometimes. He just turned into any dad when he was on a road trip and wanted to MAKE GOOD TIME, DAMN IT, I AM NOT STOPPING; YOU SHOULD HAVE PEED BEFORE WE LEFT.

To ensure they didn’t incur Odin’s road trip wrath, the Vikings had a few ways of smoothing things over with Dad.

They would leave Odin offerings on the road, like pieces of steel (??? okay ???) or bread for his dogs, or food for his giant, eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, because the only true way to a man’s heart is through his pet. 

People would generally leave veggies and oats and other horse-y things out for Sleipnir, whose eight legs made him the fastest flying horse in the world and also made him the only horse to ever win Asgard’s coveted tap dancing championship. 

(Side note: EIGHT legs...EIGHT tiny reindeer...eh? Eh? See how we got here? Thanks, nightmare horse!)

Above: An excellent prancer AND dancer. 

And if Odin was feeling particularly charitable and not in the mood for horrific acts of arson, children would also leave their shoes out for him--it was said that he’d put gifts in your boots to ring in a happy new year.

If all that didn’t work and the Vikings heard the hunt approaching, they would resort to throwing themselves on the ground and covering their heads while the massive party sped above them like a giant Halloween rager. 

So this holiday season, leave your boots out for Odin and some carrots out for his giant spider horse or you and your entire family will die in a fiery inferno, the end.

3. Yule Logs

Speaking of Scandinavia, another Northern European winter solstice tradition was the yule log. Today, if you google “yule log,” something like this will pop up:

...which isn’t an actual log, but is instead log-shaped food that you shove into your mouth along with 500 other cakes at the same time because it’s CHRISTMAS, and I’m having ME TIME; so WHAT if I ate the whole jar of Nutella by myself, alone, in the dark at 3 am?

But that log cake is actually inspired by actual logs of yore that Celtic, Germanic, and Scandinavian peoples decorated with fragrant plants like holly, ivy, pinecones, and other Stuff That Smells Nice before tossing the log into the fire.

This served a few purposes: 

It smelled nice, and Bath and Body Works scented candles hadn’t been invented yet.

It had religious and/or spiritual significance as a way to mark the winter solstice.

It was a symbolic way of ringing in the new year and kicking out the old.

Common belief held that the ashes of a yule log could ward off lightning strikes and bad energy.

Winter cold. Fire warm.

Everybody loves to watch things burn. (See: Odin.)

The yule log cakes we eat today got their start in 19th century Paris, when bakers thought it was a cute idea to resurrect an ancient pagan tradition in the form of a delicious dessert, and boy, howdy, were they right.

In any case, I’m 100% down with eating a chocolate yule log while burning an actual yule log in my backyard because everybody loves to watch things burn; winter cold, fire warm; and hnnnngggg pine tree smell hnnnnggg.

(Quick note:  The word “yule” is  the name of a traditional pagan winter festival, still celebrated culturally or religiously in modern pagan practice. It’s also another name for Odin. He had a bunch of other names, one of the most well-known being jólfaðr, which is Old Norse for “Yule father.” If you would like to royally piss him off, or if you are Loki, feel free to call him “Yule Daddy.”)

4. Upside down Christmas trees

I just found out that apparently, upside down Christmas trees are a hot new trend with HGTV types this year, so I guess this is one historical trend we did bring back, meaning it doesn’t really belong on this list, but I’m gonna talk about it, anyway.

Side note: Oh, my god, that BANNISTER. I NEED.

Historians aren’t actually sure where the inverted Christmas tree thing came from, but we know people were bringing home trees and then hanging them upside down in the living room as early as the 7th century. We have a couple theories as to why people turned trees on their heads:

Logistically, it’s way easier to hang a giant pine tree from your rafters upside down by its trunk and roots. You just hoist that baby up there, wind some rope around the rafter and the trunk, and boom. Start decorating.

A Christian tradition says that one day in the 7th century, a Benedictine monk named Saint Boniface stumbled across a group of pagans worshipping an oak tree. So, instead of minding his own damn business, he cut the tree down and replaced it with a fir tree. While the pagans were like, “Dude, what the hell?” Boniface used the triangular shape of the fir tree to explain the concept of the holy trinity to the pagans. Some versions have him planting it right-side up, others having him displaying a fir tree upside down. Either way, it’s still a triangle that’s a solid but ultimately very rude way of explaining God. Word’s still out on whether anyone was converted or just rightly pissed off that this random guy strolled into their place of worship, chopped down their sacred tree, and plopped HIS tree down instead. Please do not do that this holiday season.

Eastern Europeans lay claim to the upside-down tree phenomenon with a tradition called podłazniczek in Poland--people hung the tree from the ceiling and decorated it with fruits and nuts and seeds and ribbons and other festive doodads. 

(God, who lives in these houses? Look at that. That’s like a swanky version of Gaston’s hunting lodge. Where do I get one? Which enchanted castle do I have to stumble into to chill out in a Christmas living room like that?)

Today, at least in the West, upside-down trees are making a comeback because...I don’t know. Chip and Joanna Gaines said so. 

Some folks say it’s a surefire way to keep your cats from clawing their way through the tree and then puking up fir needles for weeks afterward, which checks out for me.

5. Incredibly weird Victorian Christmas cards

So back in the 19th century, the Christmas card industry was really getting fired up. Victorians loved their mail, let me tell you. They loved sending it. They loved getting it. They loved writing it. They loved opening it. They loved those sexy wax seals you use to keep all that sweet, sweet mail inside that sizzling envelope. (Those things are incredibly sexy. Have you ever made a wax seal? Oh, man, it’s hot.)

The problem, though, was that while the Victorians arguably helped standardize many of the holiday traditions we know and love today (Christmas trees, caroling, Dickens everything, spending too much money, etc.) back in 1800-whenever, a lot of that Christmas symbolism was, um...still under construction. No one had really agreed on which visual holiday cues worked and which...didn’t.

Meaning everyone just kind of made up their own holiday symbols. Which resulted in monstrous aberrations like this card:

What the hell is that? A beet? Is that a beet? Or a turnip? Why is it...oh, God, why does it have a man’s head? Why does the man beet have insect claws? 

What is it that he’s holding? A cookie? Cardboard? A terra cotta planter?

And then there’s this one:

“A Merry Christmas to you,” it says, while depicting a brutal frog murder/mugging. 

What are you trying to tell me? Are you threatening me with this card? Is that it? Is this a threat? How the hell am I supposed to interpret this? “Merry Christmas, hide your money or you’re dead, you stupid bitch.”

Also, why is the dead frog naked? Did the other frog steal his clothes after the murder? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?

Victorian holiday cards also doubled as early absurdist Internet memes, apparently, because how else do I explain this?

Is this some sort of tiny animal Santa? A mouse riding a lobster? Like, the mouse, I get. Mice are fine. Disney built an empire on a mouse. And look, he’s got a little list of things he’s presumably going to bring you: Peace, joy, health, happiness. (In French. Oh, wait, is that that Patton Oswalt rat?)

But a LOBSTER? What’s with the lobster? It’s basically a sea scorpion. Why in the name of all that is good and holy would you saddle up a LOBSTER? I hate it. I hate it so, so much. Just scurrying around the floor with more legs than are strictly necessary, smelling like the seafood section of Smith’s, snapping its giant claws.

This whole card is a health inspector’s worst nightmare. It really is.

I gotta say, though, I am a fan of this one:

Presumably, that polar bear is going in for a hug because nothing stamps out a polar bear’s innate desire to rip your face from your skull than candy canes and Coke and Christmas spirit.

This next one is actually fantastic, but for all the wrong reasons:

I know everyone overuses “same” these days but geez, LOOK at that kid. I can HEAR it. SAME.

If you’ve ever been in a shopping mall stuffed with kids, nothing sums it up better than this card. This is like the perverse version of those Anne Geddes portraits that were everywhere in the late 90s. “Make wee Jacob sit in the tea pot; everyone will--Jacob, STOP, look at Mommy; I said LOOK. AT. MOMMY--everyone will love it.”

Actually, you know what? Every other Christmas card is cancelled. This is the only card we will be using from now on. This is it. 

Wait, no. We can also use this one:

Merry Christmas. Here’s a fuckin’...just a dead fuckin’ bird.

[chenqingssuibian]

Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian for the ask meme

two-for-one special, huh?

from this post!

How I feel about this character:

Jiang Yanli: ULTIMATE EXAMPLE OF CHARACTERS WHO DESERVED BETTER. Jiang Yanli is everything. She is the it girl. She is my favorite female character except for MAYBE A-Qing. She makes me wish I had a big sister, y’all. God, I wish she had gotten to meet her son - like, actually meet him, and get to know him. (When she died, he was... what, a year old at most? Not MUCH personality there, gotta say.) I wish she had gotten to grow old, man. Jiang Yanli was born to be a grandma, and the fact that she never got to be. Is upsetting. My girl is artistic, she is smart, she is brave (standing up to Jin Zixun!!!! A man who is 100% stronger than her!!!!! From a much stronger and wealthier sect!!!!) and GOD is she kind. Yanli, my beloved <3

Wei Wuxian: He is the main character and he is the main character for a REASON. This man? A mess, through and through. He is also a genius and he will not let you forget it, nor will he let you forget how SEXY he is. Yes Wei Wuxian we know your ass is fat you don’t need to remind me. I love this freaky lil necromancer. So sexy of him to invent that. He doesn’t have a SINGLE uncomplicated relationship, no, that’s too easy. He doesn’t even get to have a simple relationship with A-Yuan, because of course he doesn’t. Wei Wuxian is a flawed man who has committed atrocities and kindnesses in turn. He is simultaneously a grave robber who desecrates corpses on the regular, and ALSO the kind of dude who will attempt (and succeed) to resurrect a guy who he barely knows, even though it seems hopeless, because he is duty-bound. He takes his debt to the Wen siblings so, so seriously, he takes so much so seriously and that is why he doesn’t put effort into, for example, naming his weapons, or other bullshit. He has priorities, man. I love him. 

Romantic Ships:

Jiang Yanli: I’m a slut for xuanli, my token straight ship. Half of it is because I just really love Jin Ling, and if they weren’t a thing... he wouldn’t be either. But ALSO: Jin Zixuan resents her not because she’s her, but because he is being forced to marry her. Once that pressure is pulled off (though honestly? Not completely, because let’s be real - Madame Jin was probably pushing for that marriage all through Sunshot) and he gets the chance to... actually get to know her? He falls in love, y’all. I like to think Jiang Yanli, softhearted as she is, made him work to woo her as much as she was able. Gotta put effort into Jiang Yanli, Zixuan, it’s what she DESERVES! Other than them, yanqing is very good! I read some fics where she married Lan Xichen, which was lovely, and then there’s that series where she gets married to Jin Guangyao instead of Zixuan (though I can’t remember the name of it, rip.) There are very many options, for Yanli, and all of them good. give her a harem

Wei Wuxian: Wangxian goes without saying - they’re the core of the series, after all, if I didn’t like them at least a little... there wouldn’t be a point in me running a blog for this series, would there? Ningxian, unrequited or otherwise, is also very sexy. Wangningxian, too, and, as mentioned in the ask about Lan Xichen, I am into xixian! Xiaoxian also slaps - I’ve written a blurb for them, and plan on expanding it into something larger... at some point. Also, there are some really great (though DEFINITELY not for the light-hearted) xuexian fics out there, if you’re interested.

Non-Romantic Ships/BroTPS:

Jiang Yanli: Yanli and her brothers, Yanli and Wen Ning, Yanli and Everyone, Basically. Everyone should be friends with Jiang Yanli. She is very friend-shaped, and honestly? If everyone was her friend, a lot of shit would’ve gone down better. 

Wei Wuxian: I think the dynamic between Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Yanli is just. So fuckin’ delicious. There are layers of love and devotion and propriety and conflicts of all of those things and GOD. I love them. I also thing Wei Wuxian should’ve been a menace as a child on the streets with Xue Yang. I would’ve liked to see it. Nie Huaisang is also a Very Good Bro, who I love him with immensely (and also think he should kiss a little bit)

Unpopular Opinion:

Jiang Yanli: Not to NSFW, but a lot of y’all seem to think she’s the kinkiest bitch on the block, and honestly? I don’t see it. I think her favorite position is missionary. I am so sorry to the pegging stans I just don’t think she has the core strength to make that good.

Wei Wuxian: HE. IS. MORALLY. GRAY. AT. BEST. Particularly during Sunshot and the immediate aftermath, but honestly, Wei Wuxian is not the liberator of the people, or something. He is a very talented man who, when he feels it is the right thing to do, will do anything - and what is right can be subjective and situational. He’s his own villain in a lot of ways, and the villain of many other people’s stories. Honestly, I can’t blame people for being afraid of him, or trying to put limits on what he can do - unchecked power is always bad. Always. Even when someone I like has it. 

What I wish would happen/had happened in canon:

Jiang Yanli: Uh. I wish she had fucking LIVED? I get WHY she had to die, so Jin Ling could... be Jin Ling, and Jiang Cheng would finally have something he really, truly couldn’t forgive Wei Wuxian for. I get that her death is the final nail in his coffin, or whatever. But seeing her simply get INJURED for him would’ve been enough, I think? I don’t think she needed to die, is what I’m saying, and I think MDZS could’ve been even more interesting, narratively speaking, if she hadn’t. Then again, I’m a Xuan Lu simp, so it is possible I simply wish we had had More Of Her.

Wei Wuxian: Therapy, as always. Otherwise, he’s pretty much got it made? Man came back from the dead, got some old friends back, solved a mystery, found out his sort-of son he raised in a graveyard for a while wasn’t dead at all, and then got married to the love of his life. He’s good on that front. Reconciliation with Jiang Cheng is really all I want, past that.

[intobarbarians]

yukina invites kuwabara to go camping with her and hiei and kuwabara agrees even though he IMMEDIATELY knows that she in no way attempted to get hiei’s approval on the matter.

yukina: *with flagging enthusiasm* oh, kazuma, it will be so much fun. oh god, please come and make it fun, i’m begging you.

kuwabara learns why he needs to bring fun ten minutes into the trip, because hiei’s idea of camping is more like survival training.

kuwabara: i guess camping means something different to demons, culturally speaking. are we sleeping near a den of half-bear, half-praying mantis creatures on purpose?

after forcibly dragging hiei to a new campsite, kuwabara takes stock of their supplies. neither twin brings gear because they are both woodland animals, but yukina--having lived in the human realm for years now--is a woodland animal who is going to steal the nice things kuwabara brought.

this means there is only one sleeping bag(kuwabara’s), one tent(kuwabara’s), one folding chair(kuwabara’s), one lantern(kuwabara’s), one waterproof backpack(kuwabara’s), and one first aid kit(kuwabara’s).

kuwabara: i didn’t bring anything to make a fire ‘cause...y’know. *points at hiei*

he did bring a ton of snacks and a childhood where he learned imaginative play.

kuwabara: do you guys sit in awkward silence every time you hang out by yourselves?

hiei: it’s not awkward.

yukina: yes.

hiei: it’s not.

yukina: yes. it is.

kuwabara: well, i’m not diving into the obvious abandonment issues on display here. let’s toast marshmallows and play ‘i spy’.

hiei: what’s a ‘marshmallow’

kuwabara: there are only so many times you can ask me ‘what’s a basic item from earth’ that i will fall for and you have exhausted them for the next century

hiei: no seriously what’s a marshmallow

kuwabara: build a fire and let me toast one up for you bitch

they are delicious and hiei has to concede kuwabara has some tolerable ideas about camping. then when it’s time to sleep, yukina bodychecks her brother and kuwabara out of the way so she can have the sleeping bag and the tent.

kuwabara: there’s room for two people in there? yukina?? nope, she’s snoring. ANYWAY, i know your idea of fun is killing people in new and inventive ways, but your sis loves you and wants to enjoy spending time with you. being moody and an all-around curmudgeon makes that hard. so before your next sojourn into the wilds, can you buy some popcorn and a book of mad libs or something?

hiei: THE PRAYING MANTIS BEARS WEREN’T EVEN MY IDEA....

kuwabara: one conversation isn’t going to fix this, is it

[theskyexists]

the amazing she-ra 5

i am LOVING this first episode. they’re TRULY the underdogs now. people are hiding with magic. they live in tents. they’ve lost their edge. they’re actually leaning into the horrors of war now

Shadowweaver says OOC stupid things but it doesn’t matter because the princesses shut it down satisfactorily. Adora is weighed down by responsibility in a cool way.

Catra is staking out the enemy and weaseling her way in. (yessss)

‘You don’t need to say it! I know. I made that choice. I’m living with the consequences.’ I LOVE THIS ADORA

I LOVE THIS WRITING. Catra and Glimmer are THE greatest pair ever. Glimmer is smart enough to poke right through Catra’s defenses - and NOW they’re in the same situation - Glimmer says so - and immediately the prison wall fades away - and they’re both invited for dinner. THAT DELICIOUS WRITING

i do love how shadowweaver has been this snarky aunt for two seasons now.

Hord Prime shows us Adora in danger and Catra is like; FUCK YOU ADORA’S MINE (TO DESTROY) !!!!

I love Hord Prime’s wonderfully manipulative dinner. And I love glimmer quietly crying and I love Catra being like HRMMMM I DONT LIKE THIS. the subtle animations are so great - the close-ups

the way Catra speaks to Hord Prime - the way she’s really fuckin scared and the way Hord Prime says ‘little sister’. The way they make him seem unbeatable. I LVOE IT.

AND I LOVE THESE VISIONS FOR ADORA

jezus but how few people really live in etheria ?

the propaganda and the tech to boost prime’s image everywhere....ugh it’s delicious. im also happy Entrapta is back and on the good side instead of helping Catra be a bitch to Adora. and im glad the princesses are wary of her.

hahahaah awww Bo came to give adora breakfast and then he panics when she’s lying on the floor. I ALSO LOVE BO AND ADORA TOGETHER BEST

goddamnit Bo YAH! finally somebody who effectively protects someone from the masses. fuck off micah!

Love the princesses acting on their own - love Scorpia mediating, love mermista stepping up, love Entrapta using her .....intelligence

I love how Hord Prime manipulating Glimmer is used to show us more about his empire.

‘i only want to bring peace’ - but also i destroyed all these worlds. how is that...how is that even surface compatible?? like no attempt is made to align those two things.

wait....the heart of etheria will destroy the universe? why??? why is that the assumption. and why...does Hord Prime want that? i....

the comedy of the princesses doing a mission alone is GREAT

IM SO HAPPY THE PRINCESSES GOT TO HIT ENTRAPTA WHERE IT HURTS. now THIS is the right level of comedy versus hurt

the way scorpia rolled to cover frosta in her bulk!

i love how adora is like - HAH sleep is great actually! wow!!

because of the underlying grievances that we EXPERIENCED as audience, this friendship moment actually LANDS

I REINSTATE MY HOORAY!!! (hahahaha god i love scorpia). oh my god Micah saying he trusts glimmer’s friends to save her - fuckin hell - heart squeeze

LOOK AT THAT SHIT. LOOK AT IT!!! Glimmer being angry at Catra - but then recanting and showing vulnerability. Catra showing vulnerability by acquiescing. GOD!!!

‘why did you do it?’ OH GOD ARRGHGHHG THATS SO FUCKING PAINFUL. why does Catra scratch Adora? Because she doesn’t understand - seems to not make the effort to understand!! because she’s never understood that everybody always hurt her - she never fucking saw when it was right in front of her. THat’s even worse in a way than being hurt.

god the fuckin scale. the planet getting bombarded from space....jezus christ.

theres a hallway with light and dark at the end - its implied she goes into the dark - BECAUSE SHE INTENDS TO HIDE FROM WHO FOLLOWS HER

wow she instantly realises he’s hordak. ha!

Catra is being so open with Glimmer. She’s REALLY REALLY! off balance

they have a talking ritual!!!! THEYRE BONDING ABOUT ADORA BEING A DORK!!!!

Catra realises that nothing she was doing on Etheria had any value to her!!!! I LOVE THIS SEASON SO MUCH

I love how Adora gets to be such a badass dork this season!!!! Bo and Adora + Glimmer and Catra are the BEST COMBINATION

godDAMN they made these clones creepy. damn i LOVE Hord Prime!!!

catra/glimmer......tho.....

she pushes her onto the bed and kneels before her, holding her hands. DUDES. MY DUDES!!!! catra is they gayest cat in existence

‘do one good thing in your life!’ - oh OUCH god, you can feel the whole weight of all the hurt and injustice she’s experienced in ‘dont talk to me like you know me!’

HAHAHAHAHAHAH BO losing his mind and Adora being a hilarious himbo is SO GOOD

I LOVE CATRA’S ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING ADORABLE MEMORY AND HALLUCINATIONS

‘im alway going to be your friend’  - ‘i’ll never say sorry to anybody’ GODDD

‘all i do is hurt people, there’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me’ - a reasonable assumption based on your behaviour except for the fact that Adora has been trying to reach you for 4 FUCKING seasons with hand outstretched

THAT WAS SO FUCKING DRAMATIC I AM IN LOVE !! IN LOVE WITH THEM!!!!

are you fucking SERIOUS - ENTRAPTA MADE AN AB WINDOW IN BO’S SPACE SUIT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

the animation in this goddamn season is CRAZY and INCREDIBLE

I ADORE Catra the self Martyr i ADORE that she’s going to go through the wringer still in Hord Prime’s hands.

THIS SEASON IS WORTH ALL THE REST

are YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME- i HATE THAT SHIT WHY MUST YOU MAR THIS SEASON WITH AN INTERRUPTION OF AN APOLOGY. STOP IT!!! IT’S NOT FUN IT’S NOT SATISFYING IT RUINS THE MOMENT IT WEAKENS THE EMOTION BY DRAGGING IT OUT FUCK!!!!

well i guess that was pretty good with Adora. wish they had made that a little bit longer

i love entrapta. she’s such a perfect element to throw into the mix. and her connections with AI’s are great

that scorpia and swift wind talk is so beautiful. they are also the PERFECT pair. ‘gosh have you ever noticed how many moons we have here? it’s weird.’ HAHAHAHA

they’re visiting a planet that’s been conquered by Prime...

I love how they made Entrapta flirty with her tech ahahahaha

i love how Adora is like: oh??? you’re coming to me??? for emotional advice??? uhhhhhh ok haha nice

I LOVE ADORA

i love swift wind’s drunk history retelling of what’s going on on Etheria - especially his impression of shadowweaver and his batman micah

Bo sure is very bad at forgiveness himself lol

‘well im NOT! running awayy that is. i AM smart’ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i love you adora

Adora spewing all her bullshit about Catra to total strangers ahahaha

this was SUCH amazing teamwork!!!

AND THAT MOMENT OF SHE-RA BEING BACK!!!!

GLIMMER ACKNOWLEDGING SHE MADE A MISTAKE AND THAT BO DESERVES TO BE MAD AND MAYBE THINGS WON’T BE THE SAME AGAIN BUT SHE WON’T STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER AND SHE’LL BE THERE IF HE’S EVER READY

FUCKING TEARS BABEY

jezus christ !! that was good!!! i take it back - it was a stupid interruption (they could have just had Bo respond ‘eh’ at an attempt at apology from glimmer....maybe) but they made the final apology INCREDIBLE

‘i can’t just leave her...’ the voice acting in this is sO GOOD

Catra made her whole plan to keep Adora away from Prime based on the assumption that if Glimmer was in Prime’s hands, then Adora would come to rescue her no matter the danger. So she saved Glimmer. But SHE FAILED TO REALISE THAT ADORA WOULD DO THE SAME FOR HER AHAHAHAHAHAHAA

the amazing thing about these highly tech advanced societies is that none of them have invented security cameras

glimmer getting some ptsd flashes

I KNEW that the heart of etheria was built by the First Ones to fight Hordak. Makes Mara’s decision a bit more ---- hMMMM not as great. Because Hordak has killed countless worlds since!

the hive mind lol. jezus Prime is so terrible.

oh my god the very concepts of Prime when behind a fictional buffer are so archtypically delicious. Catra’s glowy green eyes and full bow. hohhohhohho. that uniform also looks great

so Prime could do this to everyone but he chose to surround himself with clones. goddamn.

oh damn that lean-in, those hands on her neck. hmmmhm. gay

she FLINCHES when Prime lays a hand on her shoulder. DAMN. love it

‘you will give me she-ra’ ---- isn’t that what she’s been offering all along? lol

AND THEN HE LEAVES ADORA WITH A BRAINWASHED CONTROLLED PUPPET CATRA WHO ATTACKS HER

OH ITS SO DELICIOUS

brainwashed Catra is really sexy and disturbing hahahahahaha

this fight is so well choreographed. Catra letting herself almost fall, Adora gathering her into her arms, the scratch across the back, the damn knee into the midriff (OUCH), the dangling her in turn.

‘i always hated that guy in particular - and also all the other guys i hit on the way in.’ LOLOLOLOL

THE CHEEK TOUCH - THE TEARS AND SMILE - THE GREEN EYES AND THE BACKHAND AFJLDJFDSJFLKDSJSDFKSDFJ

‘you’re such an idiot!’

‘yeah! i know!’

I LOVE THEM AAAAAAAAAAAAA ITS SO TRUE AHAHAHAHAHAHAI LOVE THEM

‘im going to take you home’

‘promise?’

NOELLE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME

Adora watches Catra probably die and fall off into a endless pit. JUMPS IN AFTER HER ONE SECOND LATER

Prime really did miscalculate lol - his ship’s been destroyed by one stab at a server.

CATRA ALMOST DYING AND ADORA TRANSFORMING WITH GLOWY EYES GODDAMN!!!! HOLDING CATRA INTO HER ARMS BRIDAL STYLE. NEW OUTFIT!! WALKING INTO THE SHIP LIKE A BOSS. AND HEALS HER. HEY ADORA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE FUCKING

PURRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all the fucking crying is so good

‘I kNOW YOU ALL HATE ME!” ‘I NEVER HATED YOU’ ‘Then you’re dumber than I thought’ HAHAHAHAHA i love how Catra cannot accept Adora’s friendship because she cannot forgive herself. but Adora never fucking gets it because she has the emotional intelligence of a crab!!!! the problem is that Adora is the exact shape of Catra’s heart - which is one big open wound. And if she presses - all she does is cause hurt

Catra is so adorable looking god.....

SPINERELLA AND NETOSSA KISSED!!!!!!!! awwwwwww they’ve been so cute for so long and they only got more and more screentime and Awwwww

Not-Hordak and ‘dehydrated protein slaw’ AhAHAHAHA

how did they find us? UHHH THERES A CHIP IN CATRA’S SPINE????

ADORA TELLING CATRA WHAT’S UP!! YES! Catra in a corner. Catra on her damn KNEES. ADORA BLUSHING AT HOLDING HER HAND

their first impulse is to hold each other at the ship shaking.

CATRA IS BLUSHING LOOKING AT ADORA TRANSFORM

SHE-RA CAN LITERALLY FLY THROUGH SPACE - well. make matter from light, breathe in a vacuum, jumpt from one asteroid to another....

I AM GLIMMER IN THIS: YEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Catra is very lucky that her biggest likely hater is already on her side: glimmer

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPINERELLAAAA. what a fuckin bait and punch goddamn! making them so cute and then foreshadowing it perfectly and then BAM

CATRA IS CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO MESS WITH ADORA BY LITERALLY JUMPING INTO ADORA’S LAP

fjadslkfasdjflkadjfsja

CATRA IS

PURRING

catra is so effortlessly cool sitting in the window sill

i am actually loving that they have a not-Hordak with them. it humanises those clones a lot

this prince has farsight but they NEVER thought to recruit him BEFORE???

FUCKIN - I LOVE how spinerella and netossa have gotten so much more screentime - relevant to the plot and also revealing their characters. i wish we’d got this from the start!

well now i ship perfuma and scorpia lolololol

HAHAHAHAHA i LOVE this Seahawk and Mermista hiding behind a bar because of ex victims skjsfajfklds

Prince Peekabloo has an AMAZING design, but also he must be a fake. IT MUST BE DOUBLE TROUBLE. double trouble has TASTE

MERMISTA LOOKS SO COOL IN THAT OUTFIT - but also especially chipped and in shadows. they do love chipping people’s love interests

SCORPIA SACRIFICING HERSELF TO SAVE PERFUMA. jezus christ so much love interest drama suddenly wow

‘happy anniversary’ that is HEARTBREAKING

what a great ending to a very silly episode. that’s the balance. a last message from the last soldier standing...

‘WHY DOES SPACE HATE ME SO MUCH!?!?!’ hahahahaah

Catra’s fingers shake......

‘take it from somebody who’s defeated you guys, like, a lot’ AAHAHAHA

FINALLY CATRA IS ON THEIR SIDE TO BE THE SMARTS IN TEH ROOM

ADORA LOOKS SO BADASS IN THAT SPACESHIP CHAIR

chipping everyboddy so they’re like zombies was a great story idea.

catra upset at her signs of upset. CUTE

why the FUCK is Adora’s hair out of her spacesuit ahahahahahahaha. IM SO GLAD THAT BO AGREES WITH ME ON THE ADORABLENESS OF CATRAS HELMET HAHAHAHAHAA

catra is happy to see adora laugh again.... : ‘)

CATRA JUST CLAWED THROUGH FIVE CENTIMETERS OF STEEL????!?!?!?!

ADORA IS BLUSHING AAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

I LOVE how Catra is like, WHAT THE FUCK at having lost to these people

Entrapta trying to deal with Wrong-Hordak in existential crisis is a hilarious premise

THE ANGRIER YOU GET THE CUTER YOU ARE!!! I LOVE BO

oh wow! a first ones colony! very cool! this whole planet works against intruders and plays tricks on them. i do like how first ones are definitely like, still imperial shitlords like subtly. i love how Wrong-Hordak has a realisation arc in the background.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS CREEPY

CATRA DISARMED THIS CAT CREATURE WITH HER CUTE SNEEZE AHAHAHAHA

CATRA IS PETTING A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHA EVERY SINGLE THING WE COULD HAVE EVER WANTED IS COMING TRUE

catra is working on not lashing out :’) <= literally adora and also me

Melog is so ADORABLE and imprinted on Catra and LOVES ADORA and AGHGHGHG

I love how Adora can make her eyes glow on command

Castaspella was blushing at Shadowweaver being so close lolololol. wow this is the first time Castaspella has been interesting. ‘and stop me, if i take the power for myself’ i love aunty shadowweaver.

AAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAH WHAT HAHAAHHAAAAHA Catra notices she’s holding Adora’s hand and goes ARGGH and doesn’t just take her hand back but throws it away ahhaahaha. Adora doesn’t even respond. that was so hilarious for some reason.

GLIMMER KISSING CATRA’S CHEEK HELLO??? HELLO?????????

‘is what i would have said before i joined you. go team’ hahahaa

‘you’re wearing hooded cloaks. that’s highly suspicious’ AHAHAHAHAHA fucking meta

I LOVE HOW ADORA IS THE ‘oh god my fuckin friends blowing our cover great’ person here

MELOG IS ALREADY STEALING MUSHROOMS FOR CATRA TO EAT AHAHAHAHA I LOVE THEM

Spinerella and Netossa are so BADASS and i love their fight. it’s so deliciously painful and cool hehehehehe

so the only person im fighting here is!.....my own wife...

I LOVE THEM

spinerella is so op lololol - why did she barely do anything for them when they were still fighting hordak

wrong hordak is so fucking cute ahahahahaha

goddamn that reunion was touching and funny at the same time. and i can actually believe that Prime is having trouble with this slippery team of magic users

I love Netossa’s analysis of the princesses weaknesses. Adora: can’t act to save her life. also extreme hair envy with she-ra

BUT GLIMMER: crippling self-doubt mixed with overwhelming hubris AHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA

OH MY GOD SHE SPRITZED CATRA WITH WATER JFDKLDFWDSFKSDFKJLDSJFJDSFKDSLKFSDLFJLKFLKDJFLKS AHAAHAHAAHA

PERFUMA DON”T BE A BITCH TO CATRA. (even though yeah Catra did treat Scorpia bad) she’s right you need to fuckin go for the neck (this episode is gonna show us that you need to damage the chip AND get through to scorpia and it’s going to take catra and perfuma ofc)

awwwww glimmer and bo.... bo is really worried about his dad :’( . this is the first time ive found myself shipping bo and glimmer.....the way he sighs into her arms, turns his face into her neck. Yes....

AWWW CATRA AND ADORA CHALLENGING EACH OTHER AGAIN AWWWW

BO’S DADS LEFT HIM A CLUE IN A FUCKING DAD JOKE ahahaahahahahaah

perfuma is really getting on my nerves here. ‘we dont throw tanks at our friends’ uhhhh shes trying to kill you. just let perfuma get electrocuted adora

AH THEY FINALLY GIVE AN ORIGIN STORY FOR ‘GRAYSKULL’! ha! i do love how they keep elaborating on the First Ones as tyrants as well

hmm perfuma was right i guess. i didnt really like that development. urgh god perfuma is so grating lol..

i wonder how shadowweaver and catra are gonna....deal with each other....

hah. shadowweaver tries to weasel in with Adora again. but Adora won’t stand for it again....

Melog literally acts out Catra’s emotions and jumps adora playfully. hehehehe

shadowweaver is such a fucking bitch. i wonder if we’ll ever get her to admit guilt or apologise

no adora. you have to fucking defend catra to shadowweaver. THAT is what you have to do now that you can!

SHE JUST JUMPED INTO FIRE FOR ADORA

shadowweaver preying on Adora and Catra again goddddd. let this be an episode in which they finally shuck her off. Adora fucking THINK, the only reason you could transform in the first place was BECAUSE of Catra.

YEAHHHHH CATRA!!!!!!!! GETTING ALL THE INFO BEFORE ADORA GETS MANIPULATED INTO SOMETHING SHE DIDN’T CHOOSE. naturally she still chooses to do it.

Melog lies half on top of Adora while Catra watches her.... god fuckin hell Melog being an extension of Catra’s feelings is so fucking AMAZING

holy FUCK that confrontation. (i love how every confrontation between adora and catra starts in roughhousing - their language is extremely physical). this is the softer version of catra’s and adora’s dynamic. Catra loves Adora and she wants Adora to choose HER, LIFE WITH HER. ‘what do you want?’ (WHAT ABOUT ME??) But Adora always chooses some higher hero purpose over her. and she doesn’t want to watch Adora die....

‘i dont have to watch it happen...’

god fuckin hell this season.

shadowweaver BELIEVES that she did the right things - of course. and that’s fascinating. and I love that Adora finally totally truly was like: YOU RUIN PEOPLE AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. fuck yeah!

so when was the moment that Adora couldn’t become she-ra anymore? think it’s when she lost track of Catra....

I love Melog - I love how Catra cannot hide from her feelings anymore - at all.

the way glimmer asks adora ‘are you scared?’ ugh MY HEART

i love martyrs. i fucking LOVE martyrs.

oh my god hallucination Catra touching foreheads with Adora.....

EVERYTIME Glimmer just straight up shows Catra affection? that’s some good shit. i thought we were gonna have Glimmer going after Catra for her mother’s death at one point but no....not at all. and i dont mind it

GLIMMER SAID I LOVE YOU TWICE TO BO AND THEN BO SAID IT BACK AND KISSED HER DSFKSDLBJDS FOREHEAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MARA!!!

the fights this season have been SO! GOOD!

i love how they’ve set up that Glimmer is a fucking POWERHOUSE. she can turn the tide of battle in a blink!

naturally they pit Micah against Glimmer. jfc this poor family....

there is something important about Prime not remembering Mara....

SHE BEAT MICAH SHE BEAT HIM!!!! WALKING RIGHT THROUGH HIS STORM OF DARK MAGIC.

SCORPIA CRADLED BO LIKE A BABY

SHADOWWEAVER SAVING CATRA? FOR ONCE???? FOR ONCE CHOOSING CATRA OVER POWER????? FUCK THAT’S CATHARTIC EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY TO GET ADORA TO THE HEART

catra has such a soft heart really. she still, after everything, loves shadowweaver. god....

SHE SAID SHE WAS PROUD OF CATRA. SHE --- SHE - SHE SACRIFICED HERSELF. GOD THE VOICEACTING FOR CATRA WHEN SHE - ADORA FALLING TO HER KNEES. THEIR PSEUDO MOTHER... AGHLDJDWFJJDSLF

FUCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk

EVERY SINGLE LINE IS SO GOOD, so well-acted. the ‘im ready’ the way she says ‘catra’ like she can’t take anything anymore

i couldn’t write anything for the whole rest of that i was just covering my mouth with my hands

The fuckiN KISS! the look of PURE LOVE on ADoRA”S FACE

which in the back of my head - they cannot actually cut that in any way - it’s impossible to cut

adora with those blue eyes in the blaze, the magic is beautiful adora excising prime from hordak’s mind (WOW), adora and catra touching foreheads and the slight PURR you can hear, adult bo and glimmer (lookin so nice), adult catra (LOOKING SO HANDSOME in her prom-y outfit,) Glimmer chasing Catra, just, GOD, THE UTENA FUCKING REFERENCE, the way they say they love each other, my GOD, Scorpia being like woah perfuma you look nice, MY GOD MY GOD MY GOD THEM GOING TO SPREAD MAGIC TO THE UNIVERSE GOD!!!!!!

every single thing in this season was worth 4 seasons of enjoyable, entertaining, interesting, frustrating and meh. WOAH! WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gutterbaby]

How would u deal with stress from not paying ur student loans? im not rich yet and i literally wanna kms.... not going to though. i'm just wondering

Well i live in ireland hun but i also dont read or write and i dont care about education and shit so all i can say is... live deliciously and remember that money isnt even real and hopefully we can overthrow the government soon but until then just like manipulate men online into giving you money and also enrich your life by wearing whatever outfit you want and focusing on dumb shit and making that your main priority instead of thinking about debt. if youre a bad bitch then i suggest illegal activities. but if you dont feel like it then yeah just focus on going out and dressing wild and spitting on the ground and chainsmoking and oh also become a dj and channel your stress into that shit. start wearing wigs and inventing new identities and personas and remember that you are not bound to this life, you are a cluster of atoms just experiencing this reality via your senses and not whatever first name and last name you have and not how much you have in your bank account and not how hard you work and not how much you go to school and not how much you owe. you are a cosmic entity and our tyrannical government is doing everything they can to make you forget that. you have to try and remember it even though its hard. and also be really funny and always make fun of everything and laugh everytime you possibly can and be kind and open to new things and new people and the world will open up to you.

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [WATTPAD] [QUOTEV]

Characters © Frederator/Cartoon Network and so forth. Story ©2020 to me! All rights reserved.

This little fic was commissioned by MorbidHero. Enjoy! I'm not a superfan but I hope I still did the fandom justice, more or less. Even though there are no bacon pancakes or appearances from Billy.

Orono Or DIE.

The sign was unique enough to attract attention. That was probably the idea. Still, the girl with the long, black hair and the red-and-blue striped sweater seemed a little surprised when a car pulled over on the long, lonely stretch of Highway 95. Her eyes narrowed to slits as headlights attempted to blast the pupils wide, and she shadowed them with a pale hand.

"Hello!" cried a voice that sounded like a music box. "Are you in need of aid?"

"Uhhhh…" The squinting eyes shifted. "There a person in there?"

"Of course! I am a person! Please, it's too cold to be out here alone!"

The stranger approached the passenger window, bending down to look inside. By the light of the dash screen, she saw a rosy complexion and bright pink hair to match. The girl's round face held the sweetest, most angelic smile she had ever seen.

"I… whoa."

"Yes?"

"N-nothing. You're really gonna give me a lift? I could be an axe murderer."

The driver's eyebrows raised. "Are you an axe murderer?"

"Sorta." She opened her black guitar case, covered in stickers from all manner of bands and destinations, to display a red bass that actually was shaped like an axe, a snarky half-smile displaying some prominent canines. "I slay on this thing alllll the time."

"Oooh! A wandering minstrel! Prithee, do not tarry thither, but let us away in mine chariot!"

"I… huh?"

Cheeks turning a bit rosier, she whispered, "Just get in the car."

With her bass, cardboard sign, and knapsack stashed in the cramped back seat, the two pulled away from the shoulder and back onto the near-deserted highway. There reigned silence for a moment or two until the driver decided to attempt pleasant conversation.

"What's your name, minstrel?"

"Not Minstrel. Marcy. Or Marce, Marceline, Nightmarce… Elvira, if you're everybody in my high school."

"That sounds very unkind, and I am not from your high school so I will not do that." She smiled over at her. "I'm Bonnibel, or Bonnie."

"Cool. This, uh… this car seems weird."

"Oh!" she piped up animatedly. "It is a hybrid, but I have converted the combustion engine to run on used peanut oil."

"Is that why I have a craving for a PB&J out of nowhere?!"

Bonnie laughed, and Marcy wore a smile of her own. That was bizarre; why would she smile at some stranger who just picked her up to give her a lift? "Perhaps! It is also why I will eventually have to visit a Five Guys restaurant to refuel."

Chuckling quietly, Marcy fought down a groan as she struggled out of her black leather boots and propped her feet up on the dash. "Sorry, but I've been walking for hours. Nobody else would pick me up, except for this creepy trucker who would probably have murdered me. With my own axe."

"It is alright! I can't blame you, that sounds like a terrible day. How did you end up out here all by yourself? With no car?"

"Ash, ugh."

"Gesundheit?"

Rolling her eyes, Marcy explained, "No, Ash is my ex. Also the lead guitarist of our band, Vampire Queen. But like, he's been impossible since we broke up, and he threw his guitar at my head during our last show. I told him I wasn't riding in the van with him anymore and they took off without me. Jerkfaces."

Bonnie's expression was completely thunderstruck. She reached over to pat Marceline's thigh. "That is just unacceptable, you could have been hurt!"

"Uh… yeah?" She thought that was obvious. And the sudden physical contact made her squirm.

"No, I mean you should remove him from the band. He is clearly dangerous and you have every right to feel safe on the stage."

"Oh. Well… it's not that easy. He writes half our songs, and he's no great singer but he does know all the guitar parts already. But… I guess he's more replaceable than Fionna or Jake."

"You should send him to prison. Or castrate him," she added, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

Which is what finally made Marceline realize neither of her hands were on the wheel. She sat up quick and shouted, "HEY, we're gonna crash! Are you insane?!"

"Hm?" Glancing ahead, she calmly stated, "No we aren't, we're driving perfectly straight. And there are no other cars."

"Well… yeah, but…" She watched their course correct very slightly, still glancing at Bonnie's hands. "Oh, is this one of those self-driving things?"

"Yes! Oh, I see; you thought I was neglecting the wheel." The pink-haired oddity giggled as if Marcy were the weird one.

"Do you just pick up random strangers and scare them to death? Messed up hobby, girl. I can respect it though."

At that, Bonnie's smile lessened as she stared ahead again. "I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has access to the technology I do. I didn't mean to cause you any undue strife."

"Not everybody swallows a dictionary for breakfast, either." When that wiped the smile away entirely, the rocker turned to look out the passenger window as she tightened her arms around her stomach. "Nah… I'm sorry, I'm a bitch."

The car was silent for a few seconds. "You aren't. I just don't spend a lot of time with other people. When I do, they tell me I am awkward."

"Yeah? Agoraphobic or something?" She paused. "Yeah, I know some big words, too."

"I never said you didn't. But no, that isn't the problem. I'm a workaholic. Even when I'm not in my lab, I'm still focused on inventing or revising previous inventions. I like speaking with people, but there never seems to be any time…"

"Dude, nerdslut. Got it."

"WHAT?!"

The outburst was harsher than Marce expected. "Sorry," she muttered, head ducking lower. "I didn't-"

"I'm not a slut! I'm…" Her cheeks began to glow. "I've never even been on a date."

"I was kidding, man. I didn't really mean…" Her fingers ran through her fringe. "Look, you told me you don't get out much. So I'll do my best not to tease you like I normally would, but no promises. I'm pretty edgy." She even threw up devil horns to add to the effect.

"You're teasing. Yes, I understand." The bubbly girl sighed and relaxed, smiling again. Apparently, it was that easy.

"What do you do for a living, anyway? All the inventing…"

"Oh! Have you heard of PeebleCo?"

A brief pause. "If I say 'no', does that mean I'm dumb?"

"It's alright. I am the president and CEO. Though the board members make most of the day-to-day decisions, they consult with me before making any large changes. And I am also the head of the R&D department."

"Whoa. And you're what, like, eighteen?"

"Nineteen."

"Excuse me," she snickered. "But yeah, that's pretty young to have your whole future figured out. I'm still kind of drifting through life in the shadows."

Bonnie shrugged as she pulled off the highway. "It is okay. I know I am strange, and that most people have to take some time to find their true destiny."

"Where… are we going?"

"To this hotel! I have been driving all day."

"Oh. Guess this is where I get off, then."

"It is if you want. Or you are welcome to share my hotel room and I will continue to ferry you to your destination in the morning."

Marceline raised an eyebrow as she watched Bonnie smoothly guide the car into a parking spot — having to use her hands this time, of course. "Are you totally insane, or just the nicest person on the planet?"

"Does it have to be one or the other?" she asked with a huge grin. And yet again, Marcy found she was grinning back.

                                                      ~ o ~

Once they had brought their bags inside, the hitchhiker plopped herself on the bed and kicked off her boots again. Then she started tuning her bass. Bonnie started unpacking her little pink rolling suitcase immediately, though she cast a casual glance over at her guest now and then.

"What? Am I bugging you?"

"Not at all. I have just never seen someone play a guitar in person before."

"Never?!" When the inventor shook her head, Marceline chuckled softly. "Damn, you really don't ever crawl out from under that rock to see what the sun looks like. Not that I do, either."

"It's because I'm working," she protested with a slight pout. "Not because I don't want to meet people. I love people!"

"Oh yeah, me too. They're delicious."

Bonnie cackled as she plugged her BMO's charger into the wall. At least she got that joke. "You're so funny and cool! I wish I was like you."

"No you don't, trust me. I'm kind of a cunt."

"Are you? Well, I think that's still preferable to being boring. I might have an important job but as a person, I am… vanilla pudding."

"Yeah? Well I mean, vanilla pudding can be pretty good. Add a little red food coloring to make people think you're eating ketchup? I like red things, they look more badass."

"Vanilla is not interesting," she sighed as she seated herself on the other twin bed, pulling off her Uggs. Marceline tried not to pay too much attention to how her white leggings hugged her shapely calves and thighs. "Being a vanilla pudding when there are so many chocolate puddings around me… that is why I focus on my work."

The hitchhiker thought that over as she played a couple of notes, a few chords she used in their sets. The hook from "Smoke On The Water", then the bassline from "The Chain".

"I think you're cool, Bonbon."

"You do?" she asked in pure shock. Marcy looked up — and immediately averted her eyes when she saw her company was wearing only her underwear.

"WHOA, hey, warn a girl or something!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she hissed, arms trying to hide parts of her body pointlessly. "The other girls in gym class never cared!"

Pale cheeks flooding with color, the rocker cleared her throat and studied the carpet, watching pale pink toes curl nervously into the fibers. "Gym, yeah. Um… I'm sorry, that was stupid. Me flipping out. If you're cool with stripping down in front of me, like… it's your hotel room…"

"No, you are right, it was my mistake. We have only just met today. And I am decent." When Marceline chanced another glance, she saw a long pink nightgown covering Bonnie from neck to ankle. She was also wearing an embarrassed little smile that was more adorable than it had any right to be.

"You're definitely decent."

"Jingo-jango!"

"Gesundheit?" she re-joked with a slight smirk.

"Free candy!" She practically pounced on the little mint laying on her pillow, unwrapping it and devouring it in mere seconds. "Mmmmhhh… oh, divine!"

The moans of pleasure definitely made Marcy have to clear her throat again. Desire was stirring within her in a way that blindsided her; Bonnie was a girl. One she had met literally that day! Was she losing it?! Sure, she had always known she liked girls as much as boys, but she had never really been serious about one.

"Marcy?"

"SHIT!" she gasped out when she saw those beautiful features only a couple of inches away from her own. It seemed Bonnie's concern had brought her over to the other bed. "I… what? I'm fine, you can go back to getting ready for bed or whatever."

"You are flushed. What if you have a fever, from being out in the cold too long?"

Then the bouncy inventor touched their foreheads together, to check her temperature. Marceline knew that was the reason… yet she still felt her heart speed up, her sweat glands stirring to life.

But she was no shrinking violet. Anti-social, sure, and inexperienced hitting on girls versus guys. But she figured she might as well give it a shot and see what happened.

"You give me fever," she began to sing in a smoky voice. Bonnie's concerned eyes shot wide. "Fever when you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight."

A tiny whispered "What?" fell from small pink lips. And not even the oblivious shut-in could miss the rock star's meaning. "Me?"

After they held each other's gaze for a few more seconds, Marceline burst out with a chuckle and looked away, strumming her bass. "Couldn't resist. You're such a cute little marshmallow, it's too easy."

And that was that. Or so she thought. After she had played a few more notes and glanced up again, expecting that Bonnie would have rushed off to the bathroom by now, she saw she was being studied carefully.

"Sorry. Told you I'm a bitch."

"Why are you sorry? If you meant it… which you did…"

"Who says I did?" she grunted. "Hey-"

"I do," Bonnie told her in even tones as she finished pulling the guitar strap from around Marceline's neck. How could this awkward bean be so bold all of a sudden?! "You are blushing like I am blushing. That means you meant it, doesn't it?"

"No. It means… maybe I was out in the cold too long. Whatever."

Sighing like a patient teacher facing an obstinate student, Bonnie leaned over and took her lips gently. And poor Marcy felt her brain short-circuiting. This girl was going for it! How?! This girl?! Even more shameful was that it took three or four seconds for her to pull back from the kiss, panting and clutching at the bedspread.

"WHAT THE WHAT?!"

"Oh wow," Bonnibel whispered, reaching up to touch her own bottom lip with delicate fingers. "I did that."

"Yeah? Like, what, you're surprised you kissed somebody? That's fucking weird!"

"I am. I have never done it before, I didn't think it would be so easy. But I wasn't afraid like I expected to be, and I enjoyed the feeling."

One single fact kept Marcy from harping on about how bold of an assumption it was to kiss her out of nowhere. "Whoa, hold up. I'm really your first?"

"Yes," she breathed, cheeks warming to match Marceline's as she fidgeted with her fingers.

"That… amazing one you just planted on me was your first kiss?!"

Bonnie raised her eyebrows at her. "Oh, it was good?"

"Dude, I'm practically at full sail down here already!" When the hapless girl didn't seem to have any idea what she meant by that, she clarified, "Yes, it was good!"

"Oh. Then it was a successful experiment! Hooray!" Marceline just gaped at her open-mouthed. "We should do more experiments, I think."

"Yeah? What, you think I'm that easy?" she scoffed, trying to focus on reaching for her bass instead of blushing scarlet. But she barely touched the neck before firm hands were pinning her to the bed. "HEY!"

"You will assist me," the girl she had once mistaken for a marshmallow ordered her with a sly smirk.

Marceline finally understood that she had been hoodwinked. Well, not really; she believed this girl had no experience, but she had made the erroneous assumption that also meant she would be timid. Nope.

"I will? That's pretty interesting, I thought I got to decide that part."

"You do. But I already know you will decide to help me." Her hips started shifting on top of Marceline's, eyes briefly falling shut. "Mmm… mm?"

The rocker looked away, waiting for the backlash. Bracing to be shouted at, or called any number of names. She had been down that road before — most recently with Ash, who had no problem doing that to her but only when he was angry.

"You're a transgender person."

Stunned by the bluntness of the phrasing, she finally looked up to see nothing but surprise in Bonnie's features. No judgment, no disgust. "Um… yeah. Well, we prefer just 'trans'."

"Oh! 'Justrans' then." She shifted a few more times, prompting a little groan from both of them. "This will certainly make the experiment easier; I already know how to work with one of these from anatomy class."

Marcy knew she wasn't trying to be cruel. She could tell. But she still hissed up at her, "Can you like, not act like I'm some kind of sex slave robot? There's a real person with a real blackened soul down here."

With a little gasp, she covered her mouth. "Bloobalooby! I'm sorry, you're right." Her hips rolled again, sending a wave of heat down into the rocker from their point of contact, blinding her with pleasure. "Do you consent to experimenting with me sexually, and taking my virginity?"

Marceline could only sputter. And she almost told her 'no' simply because she was so shocked at the entire situation. But it was beginning to feel way too good. Why? Why did she want to?

"Sure. If you really don't care that I'm some problem you picked up off the side of the road."

"You are perfect." For just a second, Marcy felt a flutter in her stomach from such praise. Then Bonnie elaborated, "I'm comfortable with you, and I can tell that you are an adequate size to give me a wonderful first experience."

"Oh. That kind of 'perfect'. Right."

Genuinely puzzled, she tilted her head and asked, "What other kind is there?"

Instead of answering, Marceline pulled her down for a heated kiss. They kept that up while rolling around on the bed, running their fingers through each other's hair, humming into the contact. By the time they came up for air, she realized her sweater had disappeared.

"Can I see you?"

"Oh, is that going to help with the experiment?" Bonnie lowered her voice. "Am I… sexy?"

"Well, duh," she laughed as she dropped her jeans. But she fell speechless when she saw the shapely pink body coming into view. "I'm… yep. Definitely stand by my statement."

"I think you are sexy as well." But she was saying it shyly, as if stating a secret, rather than in a flirty way. This girl really didn't understand human sexuality but she was trying her best.

Weird but cute. And her face was glowing red like a stoplight… and Marceline liked red things.

They fell into each other with eagerness, kissing all over faces and necks as their bodies combined. Bonnibel was so soft inside, and her skin smelled like flowers. The little gasps and mewlings at the foreign sensations only made Marcy throb harder, willed her hips to begin moving.

Minutes later, she broke yet another kiss to whisper urgently, "I'm… I'm gonna finish, I d-don't have… a condom…"

"I'm on birth control, to regulate my cycle. I will not become pregnant." But she was biting her lip. The sensations had changed how she reacted. "Will you…? Please?"

She would. Moans fell freely from both of them as their bodies shifted faster and faster, until the dam burst and Marceline felt both their bodies convulsing with the proof of their pleasure. It was an instant, it was an eternity. It was everything.

As they lay curled up together, silence reigned for a few minutes. Experiment complete. Neither of the new quite what to say. Until finally Bonnie whispered, "You sang."

"Huh?"

"When you ejaculated. It was like singing." She closed her eyes, a small smile on her lips as her hand drifted up to cover her own heart. "It was so sweet…"

Marceline scoffed, resisting the temptation to roll over and away to protect her own feelings. "N-no way. I don't do 'sweet', you're loopy. Literally fucked your brains out."

"No, my brains are still intact," she teased with a light chuckle as she began to draw little circles on Marcy's pale shoulder. "And you sang. And I am very, very satisfied with your 'axe'."

That prompted a gleeful giggle from both women. "Told you. I slay all day, Bonnie-bae."

                                                      THE END

[conking]

So hey con, what's this new anime/manga thing I see on your blog that you've been nonstop posting about? Looks actually pretty nice and the kinda thing I'd be into but I want to look a little more into it and find things out, like it's name for example, before I go diving into the cesspool of the internet for it

this is gonna get long so, tldr: ancient chinese gays! comedy! action! mystery! good meta! immortality! gods!

non-tldr: welcome to hell. specifically, mxtx hell, where a bunch of people yell really loudly about three different novels written by the same author (Mò Xiāng Tóng Xiù, aka, mxtx). it’s not actually all the same thing, she just has some very specific aesthetics for her main couples dsfkjgsdfghs here’s a good way to differentiate them.

anyway i’ll give you a summary of the novels and if you find one interesting, please do enjoy your gateway drug because i’ve Never seen someone only read one of these once they start.

first up, Mo Dao Zu Shi / Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation / Founder of Diabolism (it’s got a lot of names, i’m sticking with mdzs)

question: what is MDZS about?

a goth and a prep mutually pining for each other while fighting zombies and solving murders, accidentally adopting a riot of awkward teenagers along the way. 

an uncomfortable look into the ethics of humanity, struggles with internalised homophobia and self-hatred, our stances both as a whole and individually on the complex issues around vilification, what counts as ‘the greater good’, the difficulty of forgiveness, and how ‘doing what’s right’ doesn’t always mean the same thing for different people.

magic and flying swords and family

answer: all of the above and hot damn is it fun. this is probably the one you meant when you said anime, cuz guess what? it has one and it’s GORGEOUS.

10/10. be warned, you WILL cry, you WILL want to fight the author, and you WILL love it. it’s incredibly angsty at parts and incredibly funny always and the romance kills me dead every time i think about it. slow toasty burn, with a super good plot that gets deeper and deeper as it goes. if you re-read the novel after you finish it you’ll find so many things you thought were insignificant on the first pass suddenly kicking you in the chest.

warnings for [SPOILERS]: dubious consent kissing, drunken touching, consensual rape kink. also starvation, slavery, genocide, gore, and body horror. mentions of incest and it’s consequences.

read it HERE, watch it HERE, listen to the audio drama HERE, watch the live action HERE

my favourite of the three is Tian Guan Ci Fu, or Heavenly Official’s Blessing.

tgcf is about a sexy demon pirate tagging along with a trash collecting disney princess who is very bad at staying in heaven (where he belongs). they go around systematically digging up every single piece of dirt on everybody ever - including, unfortunately, themselves. //sips tea/ delicious. 

it’s basically an action/detective novel, heavy on the comedy and angst. read this for introspection, self acceptance, growth, forgiveness, endless torture, incredible pain, suffering like you’ve never known, the effects of war and genocide, results of abuse, beautiful imagery, Gundam, endless devotion, unconditional support, and the knowledge that hualian exists and invented romance. to put it another way:

if you like plot filled slow burn with healthy dynamics and a lot of trust, this is the series for you. 10000/10 i will take this novel to my grave PLEASE read tgcf. did i mention it’s also getting a donghua sometime soon?

warnings for [SPOILERS]: gore, cannibalism (kinda), plus child abuse and lots of body horror. gaslighting and manipulation feature pretty heavily in places (especially books 4 and 5). severe depression, anxiety, suicide, and self-depreciation are all dealt with as well.

read the first 21 chapters HERE, and you can find the rest on @ yummysuika ‘s pinned tweet, including the extras! the manhua is starting in a few days, and the donghua will be out next year!! wOOO

finally, we have the first book mxtx published, Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System (i’m not touching the cn phonetics for that, we’re going sv for short).

to quote a tweet i saw one time, sv is about a shitty millennial litcrit who gets sucked into the novel he hates as the main villain, and how he struggles to survive while his overpowered disciple crytypes his way to true love. this is the fun one! [thinks about meta] …….the fun one [thinks about any character other than the mc] f-

it’s got a lot more web novel tropes and is generally an easier read. sv is full of hijinks and shenanigans and the tortured screams of a 21st century man who really just wants to lie around and eat good food, but keeps being dragged into everything against his will. comedic misunderstandings galore up in this bitch, character development and relationship growth gets Much heavier towards the end, and if you’re looking for a fun read to pass the time! this is the one! just don’t think about it. because it’s written from the perspective of an idiot with 2 braincells total, we also get to enjoy the Epitome of unreliable narrator syndrome.

overall 8.5/10, would recommend. it sets up and breaks a Lot of stereotypes, and the satire is *chef’s kiss*. don’t be fooled by the way the mc sees the characters, ya gotta look at it from their pov too. it’s getting a donghua in 2020, and the manhua will be out (again) sometime soon as well! yehaw!

warnings for [SPOILERS]: student-teacher relationship, forced kissing, some kinda dubious-consent touching, and a scene where one character thinks the other is going to rape them (nothing happens). additional warnings for violence, mentions of gore, slavery, bullying, and child abuse. (i haven’t read the last few chapters, but unless something Wild happens, that should cover things.)

read it HERE

one thing all mxtx novels have in common is the awesome side characters. you’ll probably end up loving a couple of them more than the protagonists and that’s just how it be. we’re all crying here. another thing they have in common is good plots. whether you’re interested in characters, plot development, deep conceptualisation, romance - it’s all there. just don’t go in looking for hot gay smex, cause that really ain’t what it’s about.

all of these are easier to get into if you have some knowledge of xianxia/wuxia/xuanhuan tropes, but it’s not a must! the translators provide great footnotes, so just google a phrase or refer back to them if you get stuck. you can read them in whatever order you want, they’re not connected at all, but if you’re new to the whole thing i’d recommend starting with the mdzs donghua or sv. as much as i love it, tgcf isn’t the best choice to start with.

[oldguy56-world]

Conspiracy Theory

I stumbled upon random information a while back that after careful (and thoughtful) scrutiny recognized it was all related and that there is a group who walks the earth openly and seemingly benignly, but in actuality have designs on world domination. Granted, originally it appears as though the seeds of their plan was rooted in self preservation, but at some point it has instead turned to the eradication of man so in turn they can dominate the world. I am speaking of course of the cow. I realize that this revelation by myself could put me in danger, so I am glad I have always kept my identity hidden from all who read this.

Below I will state the facts, and upon your reading of them, I know you will agree. I caution you not to speak openly about this, especially in rural settings.

First and foremost, cows are delicious. We all know this, as do they, so over millennia they have come up with various methods to curb our desire to eat them. What no one realized was that these seemingly uneducated creatures are in reality expert marketers. They first dabbled in preserving their lifestyle by using one of man's greatest belief systems: religion. They started small by convincing Christians that to honor the Lord we could not eat meat on Fridays. (This also showed their dark side as they obviously had no regard for fish). While successful, they soon saw that six our of seven days  they were still in danger. So they stepped up their game. They somehow convinced the second most populated country in the world they were sacred. This saved billions of bovine lives not just one day a week but seven days a week. Brilliant. Cattle crossed the Indian border in droves to stay alive. It was one of the first cases of illegal immigration and it went unnoticed.

Unfortunately they had a new challenge to their existence, and that was the discovery of 'the new world'. Eating cows became a new religion in itself with the invention of bbq sauce. They had to take several steps to attempt to curb this. Their scientists (led by a crafty cow named Elsie) soon discovered that eating certain foods made their milk delicious. We would surely keep them around to drink the milk they produced. (and I suspect they had a hand in perfecting the formula for cheese and butter as well) They underestimated man's new addiction to their tasty flanks, so they had to look at alternative marketing ploys.

First up was they found a front man, and gave him a magical mixture of herbs and spices. Thus KFC was born, and it was also a cows way to give the middle hoof to chickens, who they truly find annoying. This had a small effect, so next they came up with the slogan 'put pork on your fork.' Cows like pigs, but we are talking about survival of the species here. Seems like the difference between bovine and ovine is the letter b, which in this case stands for bitch.

Still not enough to stop the slaughter, so in the late 20th century, in a meadow of an unknown location, project Farm Animals Refuse Tyranny was born. The only way to accomplish this would be to eradicate man. Once again their scientists worked long hard hours, until they discovered the correct combination of foods to eat to set the stage for world domination. When they pass this food through their system in a gaseous state, the ozone will be slowly destroyed. I know what you are thinking. This will also destroy them. Not so. They have been studying us for years and know our war-like habits. They have correctly predicted that long before the ozone is gone, men will argue about the cause of this, blame each other and kill each other, leaving them alone. They do not want to rule the world, just live peacefully in it.

So beware. Their plan is coming together. They have lookouts everywhere and communicate their progress. (I also discovered that Moo is their version of 'I am Groot') In the meantime they are willing to sacrifice large numbers of their kine to keep a low profile. Every great revolution requires sacrifice. Be afraid, Be very afraid.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:  The strongest message doesn't always come from the loudest voice.

[tanyaodebra]

You 2.1: A Fresh Start – The Bitch Is Back

Confession: I fucking LOVED Season One of You – so much so that I decided to write recaps of Season Two! What does this say about my feminism? JUST LET ME LIVE, OKAY??? Let it be known that absolutely no one asked me to do this. I recently moved back to Brooklyn full-time after finishing my degree in Northampton, MA, so I’m using my (hopefully brief) interval sans a jobby-job (please hire me) to write about a show that my partner detests, so now I “have” to watch it. Should I be working on my play or screenplay? Duh. Should you be doing your job or otherwise improving your own life right now? Duh. Let’s call a truce and just enjoy ourselves. Cheers to me and You.

This first episode is a very strong start to the season, and I’m genuinely psyched to watch the rest of the show. Right from the jump we can see that Joe Goldberg (Penn Badgley) is back on his bullshit. A Class-A manipulator, Joe crafts the recap of his Season One misdeeds into a cozy quilt of blame and white knighthood under which he can forever smother the memory of his former lover/victim Guinevere Beck (Elizabeth Lail). At the end of Season One, I wasn’t sure if the reappearance of Candace (Ambyr Childers) was a figment of his imagination or the result of too many blows to the head, and to be honest I’m still not totally sure since dear Joe is so deeply delusional, but real or not, Candace has incited a cross-country move. If we can trust the public locale in the Candace flashbacks, it appears that she is real, and she is super pissed that not only did he tried to kill her, but he succeeded in killing someone else. Of course, Joe would rather be anywhere other than Los Angeles. A perpetual proctor for the purity test of life, Joe detests the vapidity he equates with LA, which is why it’s the perfect selection for his illicit hideaway. But even Joe Goldberg isn’t immune to the seductive qualities of LA in that perhaps even he might be given a fresh start. Wait… Did he just say his name is Will Bettelheim? Squeaky clean credit, no social media presence -- this will be a very fresh start indeed. And yet… whoever lived in the apartment before Joe/Will seems to have left under some duress – all the furniture is still there. I already have that no-so-fresh feeling. Also, am I sniffing glue or is Lonely Boy meeting cute with the landlady (Carmela Zumbado)? Do we have our next victim? Maybe, maybe not. But what I am sure about is that perv-y Joe shipped himself a huge fucking telescope, and he’s allowed himself ten minutes a day to creep. So, we’re definitely not turning over a new leaf. We’re just turning that very same leaf over and over in our dirty little hands.

This new season of You is a series of inversions and remixes of the life Joe had in New York. On the sunny left coast, Joe/Will has a new child sidekick in Ellie (Jenna Ortega), but instead of acting as the mentor, Joe appears to be the mentee. Unlike Paco (Luca Padovan) from Season One, Ellie has a guardian who cares, a fact Delilah makes crystal clear with her delicious threat to “vivisect” Joe’s “individual balls” if he lays a finger on Ellie. (If that was a hint at Joe’s future, I will be so happy.) And though he slips back into a job at a bookstore like a pig on a shit-hill, it’s at a joint with a backwards name: Anavrin (Nirvana). Here we have the first of the literary Easter eggs, the almost too symbolically on-the-nose copy of Crime and Punishment that lands him his gig. On his first day, Joe shelves books about chakra-clearing and the Akashic Record. Does this mean his karma will finally catch up with him? Perhaps it does in the sense that Joe’s new boss, Forty (James Scully), is basically a reanimated Benji. After a weird vegan showdown about Carl Jung, Lonely Boy once again has trouble separating real life from fantasy. He appears to be having a very steamy encounter with the actual meet-cute from the previous scene, but it’s all a very vivid day dream. In real life he commits the very fire-able offence of beating off in the stock room. (Let me just say – and I’ve been seeing your shit online, so I know you’re out there – I don’t know how any of you hoes think this guy is doable. He is the definition of a skeezeball.) Joe is a hetero-normative, lackluster Dr Frankenfurter, creating his own world where he can be a sexual king. He’s determined to not just dream it, but to be it. Make no mistake, both will kill to make their dreams come true.

Let’s talk about Love. Not the state of being, but the female character who seems positively manufactured to capture the attention of one Joe Goldberg. Is it me, or is she a honey pot working for Candace? Is Candace’s game so good that she set all this up before even meeting with Joe at the bookstore? Love (Victoria Pedretti) has the girl-next-door look he loves, and she seems to exist in order to fulfill his every whim. She appears out of nowhere to give him a hippy sunburn cure, she reads books he’d approve of had he read them, she takes him on what is basically the best date ever, a hunt to discover his favorite LA dishes, and ultimately she cooks a meal tailor-made for him. And then there’s her backstory. Her baggage is not a series of shitty exes. Oh, no. She’s a widow, which means she’s perfect in that her love can only be snuffed by death itself. Love is exactly who Joe is looking for. Or… Is she the karmic repayment this episode has been hinting at? Is Joe about to get a taste of his own medicine? She gifts him Joan Didion’s Play it As It Lays, which, according to Wikipedia, is a novel about an LA transplant from New York who goes crazy. But Love had only established at the beginning of the night that Will had never read Didion. When did she get this book? How could she have known ahead of time that he hadn’t read it? Come to think of it, what, precisely, killed her husband? We have nine more episodes to find out.

Even in the face of Love, I am so nervous about Joe’s relationship with Ellie, who is, frankly, a teen so cool I would be honored if she just gave me dirty looks all day. After a very gross exchange where he causes her phone to go careening off a rooftop, Joe apologizes with an expensive bouquet of flowers otherwise known as an iPhone. Men: do not, and I can’t stress this enough, give expensive gifts to teenaged girls. If you fucked up her phone, figure out how to replace it through her legal guardian. Ellie, savvy as she seems, is still just a materialistic child who doesn’t know better, and who is satisfied with the transactional token of being owed a favor in return for her social media tutorial. It sure looks like Ellie has got Lonely Boy’s number when she claims that the only reasons to post online are love and revenge. But Joe/Will does what he always does and lies, lies, lies, claiming those are not his motives. Later, Joe gives off very strong Humbert Humbert vibes when Ellie tells him to blow on her toenail polish. Lo and behold, captured using the very gift Joe gave her, an image of an obviously unwanted guest rests in Ellie’s hot little hands. Thus begins the final twist of A Fresh Start.

Rewind a clip. In an even more Jungian display than the junk pile jerk-off, Joe dreams of his mother leaving him alone at the beach. This is the first glimpse the audience has gotten of Joe’s childhood besides his time with old man Mooney. She is a mash-up of Candace, Beck, and Love – beautiful, charismatic, and a bit of a manic pixie dream girl. Here we find the origin of “you” as a moniker for Joe’s love interests; it’s what his mom calls him during a guilty turn of maternal love mixed with abandonment. She asks young Joe to build her a sandcastle, and in a sense that is exactly what he has done with his life – just don’t dig too deeply underneath, because that’s where all the bodies are buried. I hope we get a little more nuance if these flashbacks continue. It would be a real bummer if the audience ends up neatly being able to blame Joe’s mother, when Joe is actually the criminal.

Back to the final chapter of this episode. Creepy Joe is up to no good, as evidenced by the baseball cap he only wears when he’s creepin’. Turns out you can take the boy of the secret locked room in the basement, but you can’t take the secret locked room out of the boy. Everyone, meet the real Will Bettelheim. So, it wasn’t an identity Joe invented after all. And there was no real meet-cute with Love – he has been stalking her from the get-go. Neither was there a coincidence at the job interview – he planted Crime and Punishment in his backpack to land a job where Love works. The new Joe is the old Will, who just happened to be Love’s neighbor conveniently in telescope-shot of Love’s apartment. And just who is Will? I’ll never tell. XOXO, Gossip Girl. Not really. I’m totally going to tell as soon as I know. See You next time!