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tightjeansjavi · 7 months

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Slow Hands | Chapter 8

“If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself”

A/N: This chapter has taken me weeks to write, but I am so happy with the final results. This is another doozy, so tread carefully. Thank you for your endless support and love. 🤍

~word count: 7.0k~

Pairing | Joel Miller x f! reader

Summary: Joel tells you what happened to him and Ellie before they returned to Jackson.

Warnings: angst, anxiety, trauma, mentions of death, child loss, grief, fluff, flirting, another almost kissing situation, lots of flashbacks, mentions of a miscarriage, mild alcohol consumption, Joel gets a little shy, hurt, comfort, protective! Joel, Joel whump, mentions of alcohol consumption, self deprecating thoughts/actions, anger, frustration, alluding to past traumas, no age gap, reader has no physical descriptions, reader's nickname is beanie (coffee beans) +18, minors dni! heed the warnings please this is a very very heavy chapter.

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Angie was a real sweetheart. A country classic that you’d want to play over and over again. Toffee butter sweet with pure southern charm. She was one of the kitchen staff ladies working in the mess hall. She loved to cook. She prepared food straight from her soul that warmed the hearts, and kept all the bellies full in Jackson. Her bubbly spirit was a decoy to mask her ceaseless grief that weighed heavy on her mangled heartstrings that were poorly sewn back together with a dull needle and thread. She recently went through a misscarriage. The brutal endless cycle of life in all its beauty and cruelty swinging like a pendulum. Angie was forever grateful when you and Joel appeared on her doorstep with Honey the fawn tucked protectively in your arms.

“She miscarried last fall. Right before the leaves started turnin.’” He whispered softly to you as he reached up and thrummed his knuckles against the chipped paint on the wooden doorframe.

Angie struggled to let go of her loss. She held onto the hand-me down infant clothes. The baby booties, swaddling cloths and the bottles. Grief causes even the strongest people to break as the world as they know it shatters around them. They try to claw and grasp what little remains of that person, whether they existed in the world yet did not matter. Angie took one look at that innocence bundled in your arms and she immediately darted off to the kitchen. She returned moments later with a swaddling cloth and baby bottle that showed the faint remnants of little hearts and flowers. The decals were peeling upwards like a bandaid, but it was a small token of kindness that this poor woman had to offer for the cost of nothing.

Joel thanked her with a gentle squeeze to her shoulder. Tender hands that could bruise, tender hands that could heal.

Angie only could nod as she quickly wiped away her dewy tears that rolled down her cheeks and dripped down the curve of her chin. Her eyes were glassy, her lower lip trembled under the soft blooming glow of the porchlight overhead. She reached one quivering hand out to gently stroke the soft fur on Honey’s head.

A moment of silence followed by the swishing sound of the front door slamming shut.

Oh, Angie. You deserved so much better than the cards you were dealt.

The walk back to Joel’s home was one in deafening silence. He kicked a stray rock along the ground with the toe of his boot as his arms hung at his slides. He appeared to be deep in thought as you tried to meet his gaze. He was as hard as a stone with furrowed brows. Grief was so prominent, even in a town that was built around ‘peace.’ Grief was there in every corner. Every crack and crevice down to a grain of rice. Even in a garden of Eden, grief sprouted from the stems.

“She likes you.” He murmured gently as he pushed open his front door with a soft huff through his chapped lips. “Honey.” He added.

“I hope she survives the night.” Was the first thought that popped up into your mind as you met his thoughtful gaze.

“She will. She’s n’good hands with you’n me.” He reassured you as his hand came to gently rest along your lower back as he nudged you tenderly inside as the front door softly swung shut behind you.

Honey had curiously peeked her head up from the safety of your flannel to observe her new surroundings as you slowly walked towards the well loved couch in the living area. Your knees cracked noticeably as you sank down onto the cushion.

“Y’want anythin’ to eat or drink while I warm some milk up for our little one?” Joel asked you as he padded towards the kitchen. Seconds later you heard the soft squeak of the refrigerator door opening as you sunk further into the plush cushions.

“Oh, that’s alright. Thank you for asking.”

“Not a problem, darlin.’” He hummed soothingly under his breath as he turned the burner on the stove. Once the milk was adequately warm, but not too hot, he poured it into the baby bottle. It was hard for a wave of nostalgia to not pass through him as he slowly blinked.

“S’matter baby girl? Y’want your baba? S’okay, daddy’s gonna get it for ya.” a considerably younger Joel spoke to baby Sarah in her crib. On the nights she couldn’t sleep, he’d fix her a warm bottle of milk and rock her to sleep on the old rocking chair that he and Tommy built with their bare hands. He’d sing lullabies in her ear and kiss her little head of soft curls.

Fuck.

He stared down at the baby bottle that was nearly engulfed by the sheer mass of his hand as his thumb slowly brushed across one of the peeling faded floral decals.

Fuck.

Keep it together, Joel.

Be still, my foolish heart. Be still.

Please.

God, please.

I’m good.

I’m fine.

Really, I’m okay.

God, she was so tiny.

Used to nearly fit in the palm of my hand.

Remember when she would cry and cry and cry?

Only person that could calm her down was you.

“Joel?” Your voice sounded so far from his reach as if he was across the ocean desperately trying to hone in the almost sweet music of your voice. Not here, not now. Please. He couldn’t shake the feeling of crisp trepidation as he slowly sunk down to his knees in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Breathe.

In and out.

Through your nose, out through your mouth.

Y’can do it.

She was so tiny. So pure. She was my babygirl.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to wail and throw his fists up towards the heavens but instead he sat in stoic silence as his ears rang like a mocking symphony that had him cowering from the harsh reality that he was presently facing.

“Joel?..” There you were again, but closer. Much closer as you went to investigate. The sight that laid before you took your breath away in a morbid fashion. Joel Miller on his knees looking like a man that had the weight of the world constantly pushing down on his aching shoulders. He was vulnerable in this state. He looked ten times smaller with his chin tightly tucked into his collarbone as if he was trying to appear as small as physically possible.

Your heart split in two to see him in this state as you slowly sank down to your knees in front of him. Grief was indescribable. It gnawed at a person with jagged teeth and sharp claws. A constant reminder that what you once held in your grasp, was no longer attainable. It was ripped from the roots, dry and brittle as precious life is stolen so swiftly.

His lips moved as he struggled to speak. To say anything, but nothing. No words could be formed as he stared down at the bottle in his hand. The slightest flinch from your unsuspecting touch upon his cheekbones as the palms of your hands gently caressed his face. “You okay?..” You asked in a hushed tone, keeping the octave of your voice level and gentle.

“No.” He murmured in defeat as his freehand slowly traveled up the length of your arm before resting along your cheek with the utmost delicate care.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You wanted to give him that choice. The open space to speak his feelings only if he chose to.

“Dunno. I jus’ needed to sit down.” He confirmed with a soft wheeze as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

“That’s okay, Joel. Sitting is good. It’s alright to rest. I’m right here.” You were, and you weren’t going anywhere.

“She was jus’ so tiny. Tiniest lil bean. With the cutest toes. A button nose. Used to have to give her a bottle at night when she couldn’t sleep. Would sit with her in the rockin’ chair for hours, singin’ her lullabies.” He croaked out as his chin slowly lifted as his dull faded eyes met yours.

You knew he was speaking of Sarah, and you also recognized his silent desperation for comfort. The baby bottle clutched in his trembling hand was the root cause for his current episode. Loss was so difficult to rationally explain sometimes. It was something that couldn’t be journalized as being the same for every person, because every single human being reacted in a different way. Loss was universal, and inevitable, but dealing with the grief that followed was structurally diverse in its nature.

“She was one lucky baby, getting to have you as her father. She loves you so much, Joel. She’s right here.” You slowly dropped one of your hands down from his face and gently rested it against the left side of his chest, right where his heart lay. “She’s always going to be right here.”

“Jus’ miss her so much. S’been creepin’ up on me lately. Feel like I’m seein’ her everywhere.” He felt discouraged as he slowly shook his head with a heavy sigh. “Thank you for being here with me. You don’t understand how much that means to me. To have..someone jus’ understand me.”

“I know how much you miss her, Joel. It’s better to let yourself feel everything instead of bottling it all up. I know how much it means to you. I’ll always be here to listen, for as long as you’ll have me.”

Hope to have you till the end of my days.

“Should–should probably give this to Honey before it gets too cold..” He trailed off as his thumb gently brushed across your cheekbone.

“Do you want to give it to her?..I bet she’d love it if you did. After all, you are the one who saved her.” You offered purely to encourage him only if he desired to.

“I’d love that. Help me up? Knees are feelin’ a little stiff.”

“Mine too.” You murmured as you slowly stood up and offered him your hand.

A ghost of a smile crossed over his features as he grasped your hand in his and pulled himself up from the floor.

He followed you into the living room where Honey was curled up in a fluffy little ball on the end of the couch. Her head perked up when she could smell the milk in the bottle as she struggled to stand on wobbly legs. Joel was right there to aid her as he gently scooped her up under his arm. Her fluffy little white tail wagged excitedly as she let out soft little bleating noises that sounded more like squeaks if anything.

“S’alright, baby. Got your bottle right here f’ya. Daddy’s got it for ya.” He softly cooed to the tiny creature.

You swore you saw a silent tear trail down his weathered cheek when Honey began to nurse from the baby bottle all the while he was gently petting down her tawny colored ears, and humming under his breath soothingly.

When Honey had consumed every last drop from the bottle she curled up right against Joel’s chest. She felt safe in the presence of you and Joel, which was quite obvious from the way she made herself right at home. Joel was careful to not disturb the sleeping creature as he reached his arm over and set the now empty bottle onto the nearby coffee table. The two of you fell into a comfortable relaxed silence, until the rumbling of Joel’s stomach interrupted it. The last meal he had was around breakfast time, and there wasn’t much substance to it. A cup of coffee, slightly rubbery scrambled eggs, and toast with butter. His appetite had been long forgotten since he and Tommy had stumbled upon the gruesome scene of the deceased doe while on patrol. Time seemingly had gone by in a whirlwind, and judging by the late evening light, it was far past dinnertime.

He shifted uncomfortably when his stomach rumbled again. This time it caught your attention from where you were sitting on the opposite end of the couch. You were currently reading one of Joel’s many coffee table books. Exploring Space, Dinosaur facts, The American Mustang, Woodworking for Dummies. You had chosen The American Mustang, and as soon as you heard his stomach grumble for the 5th time, you gently closed the book with your finger holding the page down before you looked over at him.

“Did you eat today, Joel?”

“Jus’ a bite of breakfast this mornin.’ Coffee, toast, and slightly rubbery eggs. Had the pan on a bit too high.” He softly responded as he lifted his chin slightly in your direction.

“I didn’t have much to eat today either. I could make us something?”

“Darlin,’ you ain’t gotta do that. You’re my guest after all. It wouldn’t be right if I just let ya cook f’me.” He was already attempting to gently lift Honey from her curled up position on his chest when you reached your hand out and gently grasped his forearm.

“Joel, it’s okay. I really don’t mind at all. We both should eat something.” You gave his forearm a reassuring squeeze before you pushed yourself up from the couch.

His eyes slowly followed your movements into the kitchen as he let out a deep sigh. “Y’know, it’s times like these where I wish that takeout still existed. What I wouldn’t do for a pizza right now.” He mumbled as he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

“Dominos, or Papa Johns? You better answer wisely, Miller.” You peeked your head around the corner with a playful smile playing on your lips.

“S’that even a question? Papa Johns. I’d order extra of those goddamn garlic sauces because the amount they gave you was truly never enough. I wish they would have started selling it in tubs or somethin.’” He stifled a chuckle. “Dominos was a last minute resort that I regretted every goddamn time.”

“That garlic dipping sauce was to die for. There was also that really good family owned pizza place on Main Street. Napoli Per Tutti I think is what it was called? They had the best Neapolitan pizza that I ever had the pleasure of trying.” You chatted casually as you opened his fridge.

“Darlin,’ you’re killin’ me over here with all this pizza talk. I actually never tried that place before. Sarah mentioned it a few times, but we Millers like to stick to our roots.” He chimed in as he managed to very carefully, and very gently, move Honey off of his chest and onto the couch where he then proceeded to cocoon her in a blanket that was draped across the armrest of the couch.

“I don’t know the first thing about making a Neapolitan pizza, but I can certainly try? That’s assuming that you have all the basic ingredients of course.” You could hear the wooden floorboards creak under the weight of his feet as you slowly turned around with your arms across your chest. “Just couldn’t stay away, huh?”

He sheepishly grinned and rubbed the back of his neck with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “Can’t stay away when there’s pizza involved, darlin.’”

“Fair enough. All we’ll need for the dough is flour, yeast, water, salt, and I think olive oil?”

“Well, we definitely have flour..water and salt. Olive oil maybe, but does it expire? I haven’t done much cookin’ around here lately so I really don’t know what I've got in the cupboards.” He stepped around you with his arm just barely grazing yours as he opened up one of the many cupboards in the kitchen. “I’ll be damned. Guess we do have yeast and olive oil jus’ layin’ around here.” He reached for the packet of yeast and the bottle of olive oil before setting them down on the counter.

There was something oddly comforting for the two of you to be putzing around the kitchen like an old married couple. You fit right into Joel’s domestic budding life without even grasping the idea of it just yet. You worked together at making the dough, but once it came down to the kneading part, you let Joel take over. Maybe it was your cheeky plan all along to see his hands at work, or perhaps it was totally innocent. Regardless, it was hard to not let your wandering eyes drift across his exposed skin where he had rolled up the sleeves of his flannel revealing strong, veiny forearms. Some areas of his skin were littered in scars, and indentations from years of survival, but his hands were the main part of the show. Strong, weathered, yet gentle as he didn’t want to knead the dough too much. The tendons in his fingers flexed as his eyes drifted upwards towards you.

Gotcha.

“Like what ya see?” He rasped with a teasing grin.

Fuck, were you really staring that long?

You could feel the heat rise to your cheeks as a nervous laugh bubbled up your throat. You struggled to find your words. “Joel, i’m so sorry I shouldn’t–”

“Hey, Beanie? S’alright. You can stare for as long, and as much as you’d like.” He reassured you with a slight nod of his head.

So, this is where you flirt back.

OH!

Right.

“You just..have really attractive hands.” You murmured softly.

Joel cocked a brow at your answer as he looked over at you. “My..hands? What about ‘em are attractive?” He held the same genuine curiosity like the time you had complimented his eyes.

“Well they’re just..strong looking? Maybe that’s not the right verbiage that I'm going for here.” You trailed off.

“S’you don’t mind that they’re a lil rough lookin'?’ Take this hand for example, I’m pretty sure it never really properly healed after I beat the livin’ daylights outta a FEDRA soldier shortly after Tess and I agreed to take Ellie to the fireflies. Sometimes I’ll get like these ghost pains n’my knuckles is what I like to call ‘em.” He shrugged as he grabbed a towel to wipe the flour off from his hands.

“No, I don’t mind at all. I’d honestly be surprised if your hands weren’t at least a little bit damaged. Y’know? I get what you mean with the ghost pains. I get them too, but usually in my wrists and ankles. It’s almost like a tingling sensation.”

Joel felt his heart slowly sink to the pit of his stomach like the sun gradually dipping behind the horizon. It was easy for him to draw the conclusion as to why you’d feel these sensations in your wrists and ankles. There were visible scar indentations along the inside of your wrists. Based on the scarred tissue, it was probably due to them being bound together by zip ties, rope, or possibly even chains. He felt a shiver roll down his spine when he remembered the charred women in the forest having their wrists and ankles bound together by chains.

“Well, I think your hands are beautiful too, Beanie.” He murmured.

I think you're more beautiful than the stars, sun, and moon combined.

You smiled at him. That same soft smile that sent his heart beat skipping every time he was graced by the simple beauty of it. It was as if there was a magnetic force between the two of you that was working on overdrive to bring the two of you closer in proximity.

“Thank you, Joel. I’ve got a real nasty nail biting habit that spurs up every so often. I guess..after you brought me home from the bar, I absolutely tore my nails to shreds, but I had no recollection of it happening..”

“If it makes ya feel any better, I also have a nasty habit of picking at the skin around my nails till it bleeds. Ellie’s yelled at me for it numerous times, but no matter what I do, I can’t stop.”

“Maybe we can help each other break these habits? Or, at least show encouragement when we’re struggling?” You suggested.

“Yeah, I'd like that a lot actually. It’ll be a good way to hold ourselves accountable. Lord knows I need to sometimes.” He agreed. “Well, this dough is gonna have to sit for a bit before we can roll it out..whad’ya wanna do in the meantime?” He had his hands resting along the edge of the countertop that was lightly dusted in flour as he awaited your response.

“That’s a good question. Do you happen to have any records? Maybe we could listen to one? I have a good feeling in my bones that you have impeccable music taste.” You mused with a small grin spreading across your lips.

“Y’know, I actually do have a box of records in the living room. They ain’t mine, unfortunately. They were here when I moved in. There’s a lot of classics in the collection though. I’m sure we can find somethin’ that we both enjoy.” He tilted his head towards the direction of the living room.

You let Joel lead the way as he showed you the box containing the records. There was everything from the Beatles, Prince, Queen, Zeppelin, Frank Sinatra, and so on. “Well,” You started, “whoever lived here, clearly loved their music.”

“Ain’t that right.” his tone was slightly rasped as you made yourself comfortable on the floor with your legs crossed.

“You want a pillow?” He asked softly. “Might be a lil’ more comfy.”

You gave him a small nod in response as you began to carefully flip through the record albums.

He grabbed two pillows from the nearby couch without disturbing Honey before he joined you on the floor.

“Who’s your favorite? I know it’s a tough choice t’make. I don’t even think I could narrow mine down to five.” He chuckled warmly as he rested his weight back on his hands.

“Oh, gosh. I also don’t know if I could narrow it down..Stevie is definitely at the top of my list.”

“Ah, yeah. She was incredible. I was a big fan of Linda Ronstadt back in the day. Although, growin’ up, there wasn’t a song or artist that I didn’t enjoy.”

You slowly looked over at him as your fingers gently played with a torn edge on one of the records. “Was music a big part of your life?..Before, y’know.” You chose your words carefully as you watched him take a deep inhale.

“Yeah, it was. Used to be a big dreamer, believe it or not. Always wanted t’be a singer. Taught myself how to play the guitar, wrote a few songs here and there. None of them were very good, but I got a lotta joy out of it. Then when Sarah was born, I knew I had’to hold down a real job, and push that dream to the backburner. Spent a lot of time playin’ the guitar for her though. She loved it. Used to tease me n’tell me that I had a god awful singin’ voice.” He snickered.

Your giggle was soft, sweet, floating like a warm breeze. “Hey, I’m sure your singing isn’t that bad! It's wonderful that you found a lot of joy in that hobby. What about now? Do you still play the guitar here and there? Perhaps..sing in the shower like the rest of us?”

“Wouldn’t ya like t’know?” He wiggled his eyebrows playfully in your direction. “Yeah, I’ve picked it up here n’there. Started writin’ some lyrics as well. Maybe..one day I can play for ya? Give ya your own lil’ private concert, front row.”

“Yeah, you dork. That’s why I'm asking!” You giggled. “Wow, a private concert, just for me? Well, I'd be honored.”

“Mmm.” He hummed, “don’t go gettin’ your hopes up jus’ yet, but I think I can manage.” He shot you a subtle, yet playful wink. “Now, whad’ya got there? Frank Sinatra, You Make Me Feel So Young?”

“An oldie, for the oldies.”

“I ain’t that old, darlin.’” He scoffed playfully.

“Mhm. Let’s face it, we’re a little old, but silver looks good on you.”

“Not nearly as good as it looks on you.” He countered smoothly.

“Charming.”

“Jus’ tellin’ the truth, darlin.’”

“And they say chivalry is dead.” You were looking directly into his eyes which naturally sent a blush rising to his cheeks. Yeah, he had it pretty bad.

“Y’wanna give it a listen?” He offered with a sheepish grin.

“Absolutely.”

He reached for the vinyl, fingers gently brushing yours as he gently removed it from your grasp before he stood up. He shuffled over to the nearby record player that had been neglected for years. He blew off a bit of dust buildup that had naturally settled along the surface before he placed the vinyl down carefully.

The needle slowly fell into place as the old turntable crackled to life, flooding the small expanse of the room in sweet music.

You make me feel so young

You make me feel so Spring has sprung

And every time I see you grin

I'm such a happy individual

Joel watched the way your eyes suddenly lit up, bright, glassy, beautiful. Your energy was infectious as his knuckles lightly thrummed along the hardwood. He wanted to ask you to dance, to make up for what happened at the Tipsy Bison. Why was he so apprehensive? What did he have to fear?

Connection. Intimacy. Devotion.

You seemed to recognize the inner turmoil he was presently facing almost immediately. The nervous thrumming of his knuckles, the way his brows furrowed inward as if he was deep in thought. The light unmistakable pursing of his lips.

“Hey, Joel?”

He blinked once before his eyes hesitantly met yours, “Yeah, darlin?’”

“You wanna dance with me?..It can be like a redo for our first date?” Your thoughtful suggestion was as comforting as a warm summer breeze as his fingers absentmindedly inched closer towards yours.

“Y’wanna make up for that night?..Beanie, we don’t gotta–I mean..only if you want to?” He was nearly stumbling over his words by the time you had gently grabbed his hand and interlaced your fingers through his.

“C’mon,” You replied with a small smile tugging on the corner of your lips. “Dance with me, Joel.”

His hesitation was evident, at first, but your gentle smile, and kind eyes eased his nerves as you both slowly stood to your feet. You could feel how clammy his palm felt around your own as his other hand slowly dropped to his side. He wanted to hold your waist, but after everything that happened, he was apprehensive.

“It’s okay, Joel.” You reassured him as your free hand dipped down to his side and delicately wrapped your hand around his wrist before coaxing his hand to rest around your waist.

“I’m a shit dancer, honey.” He murmured low and soft as his fingers slightly flexed against your waist.

“Joel, don’t overthink it. Just dance.” You encouraged him with a reassuring smile.

When his nerves slowly began to dissipate, he fell into a rhythm as he spun you around playfully. He was less worried about accidentally stepping on your toes, and more focused on the way the soft glow of the kitchen lighting bounced off your skin. How pretty you looked. How your eyes never seemed to leave his. The increased thrum of his heart drowned out the soothing crackle from the tabletop. All he could see was you.

It was as if a magnet was slowly pulling you in closer. The gravitational pull, foreheads touching, noses brushing, exchange of breaths. So close. So close. You could nearly taste him on your tongue–

“Beanie..” He breathed out. Pausing. Thinking. Just ask her. The worst she can say is no.

“Can I–”

“Please. Please kiss me, Joel.” Your thoughts were swirling, tumbling like a shaken up jar of marbles. You wanted him so bad. Terribly. You wanted and yearned to know what it possibly felt like to be kissed by Joel Miller. The moment was there in your grasps, and gone in a flash from the distinct creaking sound of the front door opening.

Ellie’s footsteps were soft along the floorboard as she pulled the door shut behind her. She was hoping that Joel wasn’t home. She wasn’t ready to confront him after what took place at the Tipsy Bison just a few nights prior. She was still hurting. Her curiosity got the best of her in the end when she saw that the kitchen light was on.

“Joel?..” She rounded the corner, eyes going wide, cheeks turning a deep bright red as she caught the moment you and Joel nearly kissed. She squeaked a fast apology, “Shit, I’m so sorry!” before darting out of the room like a bat out of hell.

You and Joel were startled by her presence to say the least. His eyes went wide before he was dropping his hand from your waist. He murmured an apology of his own before he slipped out of the kitchen to follow his kid.

“Ellie, wait! Kiddo, can we please–” He was hot on her heels as she scurried up the stairs and b-lined to her bedroom. If he was there a second sooner, he would have stopped her from slamming the door in his face.

“Kiddo, please. I jus’ wanna talk.” He sounded gravely defeated as his forehead came to rest upon the chipping paint on her bedroom door. He could hear her muttering to herself as she stuffed her backpack with overnight clothes.

Moments later the door flung open as she brushed past him with her bag slung over her shoulder.

“Ellie.” He tried one more time.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Joel. Sorry for interrupting your date.” She muttered before jogging down the staircase.

“Kiddo, please. I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to Dina’s.” Was her short response. He could detect the hurt in her voice as he pathetically watched her disappear through the front door once more. The entire house was silent as he scrubbed a weathered hand across his patchy beard. Healing took time, he reminded himself. It didn’t happen overnight, but fuck. He missed his baby girl so much.

The old floorboards of the staircase groaned under his heavy footsteps as he trudged back down the stairs. His brain was telling him that it was time to call it a night. Send you home so you didn’t have to witness his pain at the forefront. His heart told him differently. His heart urged him to seek out your comfort, so he did.

He found you right in the kitchen where he left you. You had just taken the freshly made pizza dough out of the fridge and set it out on the counter. Your eyes slowly flitted upwards at the sound of his footsteps.

“Hey, I think the dough is ready to be rolled out. Want to give me a hand?”

Bless you.

“Yeah, of course. I’m sorry for runnin’ off like that. She’s been avoidin’ me since that night at the Tipsy Bison.” He admitted in a hushed tone.

“It’s okay, Joel. You don’t have to apologize for that. Did you..want to talk about it?”

“No, not right now. Let's just..make these pizzas. I’m starving.” He sighed, feeling his own mental and emotional exhaustion begin to way down on him like a bag of cement.

He met you on the other side of the counter, shoulders brushing as he pulled out a rolling pin from one of the drawers. You rolled out half the dough in silence together. It was almost as if you were sharing the weight of his present grief, soaking it in and absorbing it like a sponge.

Once the pizzas were dressed and popped in the oven, he wiped down the counter before grabbing a glass from one of the overhead cabinets. “I uh–really could use a drink. Would you like one? I’ve got wine and some spirits.”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having, Joel.”

“Whiskey it is then.” He murmured as he grabbed another glass. “I really don’t usually drink. I jus–’ need somethin’ right now.” He didn’t know why he felt like he needed to explain himself to you, but it was too late to take his words back when they were already spoken.

“Joel, you don’t have to give me a reason as to why you need a drink right now. We all have our vices, and I hold no judgment towards yours.”

“I know I don’t have to explain myself to you, Beanie. I’m jus–’ I'm not okay right now. I don’t know whether I should laugh, cry, punch a fucking wall in.” He muttered bitterly as closed the cabinet door a bit too harshly. He shuffled past you to the wet bar area where he snatched up the bottle of whiskey with trembling fingers. He popped the cap off with his teeth as he poured a hefty splash of amber-colored liquor into his glass. He was considerate enough to give you half of what he was having.

“Joel, I know you’re not okay right now. Do you want me to?..”

“No.” He croaked softly, “No. I don’t want you to leave, please.” He took a sizable sip from his glass before he returned to your side, sliding your glass over.

“Okay, I won’t go, but is there anything you..need from me?” Your hand slowly grasped the crystal glass before raising it to your lips. The warmth of the liquor coated your insides like sticky molasses. It had a twinge of smoke, finished off with a hint of cinnamon. In short, it was fucking delicious.

“I don’t know.” He admitted somberly before he slowly sank down to the kitchen floor with his back resting against the oak cabinets, and the glass resting in his hand between his knees as his head fell back with a soft thud.

You descended alongside him with your legs outstretched, and ankles crossed. Sometimes all a person needed was a gentle soul. A wordless extended notion of comfort. Sometimes that was enough, but sometimes a person needed more. Whatever Joel needed in those crucial moments, you’d be there.

“Can I be honest with you?” He broke through the growing silence with a heavy huff through his lips.

“Of course.”

“I am fucking terrified of losing every goddamn person that I love, Beanie. I’m terrified of losing my brother. I’m terrified of losing my daughter, and I'm terrified..of losing you. I feel like a broken record that can’t quite find its rhythm because the vinyl is scratched, and the needle keeps catching. Do..you get what i’m sayin?’” His head slowly turned to meet your eyes.

Your heart skipped a monumental beat when he said that he was terrified of losing every person that he loved, and that you had made the cut. (not that there was one to make). You ignored the butterflies fluttering in your stomach, and focused on him, and his willingness to rawly communicate with you.

“Joel, I understand why you are terrified, but you haven’t lost Tommy, Ellie, or me. We’re all right here. I don’t think you sound like a broken record at all. Try and show yourself a bit of compassion, okay?”

He stifled a bitter chuckle as he brought the rim of the glass back to his lips. He took another sip before he closed his eyes.

“Beanie, I don’t think you’d be tellin’ me to have some compassion for myself if you knew what I've done, the people I've killed, the choices I've made. I ain’t a good person. No matter how many times I have tried to justify my actions, I ain’t a saint.”

“Joel, do you think that anyone is truly a saint? Do you believe that we’re all innately good? That we’ve never hurt a friend, or said words we didn’t mean? Joel, even if the outbreak never happened, and we didn’t lose the people we loved, we still would be making mistakes. We still would be hurting people whether it was intentional or not. I mean this with full honesty, your past isn’t going to scar me. It isn’t going to make me think of you in a darker light, because goddamnit, we all had to fucking make some hard choices in the name of survival. I’ve killed people too, you know that, right? I lost count years ago. I lost my fucking faith in the shreds left in the remants of humanity until–” you felt yourself choking up with tears welling along your waterline, and your words lodged in your throat, clawing to be set free.

“Beanie–”

“No, please. Please just let me finish, okay? Joel, you’re so incredibly hard on yourself, and hell, we all are. I just want you to realize that you are not a bad person. You’re not a bad man. You’re not some evil monster lurking in the shadows. You’re a fucking human being that has spent over 20 years trying to survive. You have endured and survived up until this point. You and Ellie will be okay. She’s hurting, and so are you, but one day she will forgive you, for whatever it is that you have done. She needs time to heal, and so do you.” You felt mildly exasperated from the energy you were exerting.

Joel was speechless. He was floored as his pupils were blown out wide. His jaw physically dropped. He scrambled to gather his thoughts so that he could come up with a well-rounded response. He struggled with his words, as you knew. All he knew is that he had to be just as vulnerable as you were being.

“I killed an entire hospital of fireflies. I killed every single one of them to save her. To save my Ellie. My light. They were going to kill her, Beanie. Ellie is immune. She’s the only one. Marlene told me that the doctor that was going to perform the surgery on her thinks that the Cordyceps has grown with her since birth. Because it’s adapted to her, it tricks the normal Cordyceps into thinking that Ellie is one of them. That’s the reason why she is immune. Tess and I were taking Ellie to the fireflies because I made a promise to Marlene. It turned into something else along the way. I grew to care for Ellie as if she was my own. I even–I even told her that we didn’t have to keep going. We could come back to Tommy’s and forget all about the fireflies. My baby girl didn’t want that. She wanted to save the fuckin’ world, but she didn’t want to die. I know she didn’t want to die, Beanie. She thought that after it was all said and done, that we would be going home together.

“And when we’re done, we’ll go wherever you want, Joel.” Ellie reassured him.

“Tommy’s, sheep ranch, the moon.”

“I’ll follow you anywhere you go.”

“But there’s no halfway with this.”

“We finish what we started.”

Ellie was determined to use her immunity to save the world, and Joel couldn’t stop her.

“Ellie..is immune?” You whispered softly as the weight of Joel’s words sunk deep into your soul.

“Yes, she is. You have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone, Beanie. Not even Maria knows. Only Tommy and I. The rest of the community would turn to chaos if they knew.”

“The fireflies were looking for a cure, and Ellie was the answer? But, Cordyceps–”

“Grow inside the brain.” He deadpanned as he finished off what was left in the contents of his glass. “I did what I had to do to save her, and if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would. She didn’t want to die. She never consented to the surgery. Marlene never gave her the option, and neither did I. The worst bit? Beanie, I lied to her. I told her that there were more people like her. People who were immune. I told her there were dozens like her, and that the doctors couldn’t actually make any of it work. That they’ve stopped looking for a cure entirely.”

“They’ve stopped lookin’ for a cure.”

“Where are my clothes?” Ellie mumbled.

“Raiders attacked the hospital. I barely got ya outta there, kiddo.” he squeezed the steering wheel tightly as he lied through his teeth.

“Were people hurt?..”

“Yes.” He didn’t lie.

“Is Marlene okay?”

Joel paused as he glanced back at his daughter through the rearview mirror.

“I’m takin’ us home.”

“You never told her the truth, did you?” You knew the answer, but you wanted him to confirm it.

“No, I did tell her, and she hates me for lying and taking that choice away from her. She feels like..she holds no purpose in life now, and it’s all my fault.”

“Joel, you did what every parent would have done for their child. Biological or not, she is your daughter. She was in danger, and you saved her. I can’t blame her for the way she currently feels towards you. Her emotions are valid, and you should have never lied to her. You should have told her the truth from the start, but I understand why you didn’t tell her. You felt ashamed of your actions.”

“I just wanted to protect her.” He murmured as his eyes casted downwards.

You reached your hand out and gently grasped his shoulder and gave it a firm, grounding squeeze.

“Joel, you did just that. You protected her. You saved her. You saved the world.”

His own eyes began to water. His lower lip trembled, wobbled with uncertainty as his glassy irises met yours.

“You’re right. I did save the world.”

And then, you were hugging.

His tears and your own fell freely as you cradled his head protectively against your chest with your chin resting gently against the top of his head. Your fingers threaded through his soft salt and pepper tendrils as he enveloped your frame in his strong arms. The oven dinged signaling that the pizza was ready, but neither of you moved an inch.

“Spend the night with me, Beanie. Please.” His words fell heavy on his tongue. His heart begging you with a steady thrum to stay.

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androgynousblackbox · 13 days

Text

How I Met Your Father. 9 (Appleradio, Radioapple)

How We Spend The Night Before

A03 link

"Angie" called Cherri, pulling on the tall spider demon coming from the bar with two new drinks. She accepted the one meant for her and pointed at the corner. "Hey, quick question: are those two fucking?"

"Who?" Angel turned his gaze from Husk to the direction Cherri was looking.

He felt a tight ball on the back of his throat when he realized she was refering to Lucifer and Alastor. The two were standing near the rockola, the only source of music on the lobby, and seemed to be talking as they danced togehter, not really following the music. To be perfectly fair, they weren't particularly close to each other, mostly a lazy back and forth with some open twirls, but something about the way they laughed and couldn't keep their eyes off each other of course would create the need to ask that. If it wasn't because he very much still wanted to be able to speak in the future, he would be all about speculating about it. He did just that with the residents already, whether they wanted to or not, but Cherri was out of the contract.

No wonder they had to use disguises so often. They were both awful hiding anything.

"I-I don't know" said, feigning indifference. "Who cares? Two old men together is not really my favorite genre. Probably they will be having a heart attack at the sight of an ankle or something before they can even get it up."

"Right" Cherri followed them up. Now Lucifer was holding Alastor's hands away from them as he showed some foot movement, his hips turning from one side to another, before the other demon tried to imitate it as well. Once they set it up properly, they both turned in a circle, first slowly and then gaining more momentum. She could almost hear the encouraging words from the tiny king just by the way his eyes light up. If they weren't fucking, she would be surprised if they didn't thought about it at least. "Kinda cute though."

Angel lifted his eyes again again. The soft smile that Alastor had over Lucifer almost made him want to throw up with something akin to envy. He didn't want any of them like that. He wanted to look at someone like that and be looked back.

"I mean, sure, if you like corny" Angel took the rest of his drink in one go, shaking his head at the sudden rush. "Fuck it. Wanna dance too?"

"What, you want to twerk to that old ass music?"

"You can twerk at anything you put your mind into" Angel dispensed his wisdom with the deserving seriousness of the statement, offering his hand in front of her while moving his eyebrows exaggeratedly in a wave. "M'lady."

Cherri snorted.

"Fuck off" said, also finishing her drink before accepting it. "Fine, but call me like that again and I will kill you."

"Fair enough. Hey, Smiley, you think you can elevate the volume of that thing?" called, feeling not a small amount of joy when he heard a static noise as Alastor realized they were, in fact, not free to be as disgustingly sweet as they wanted if they didn't want to spill their own beans in front of someone else.

Not just Cherri, but some cannibals that decided to stay after Charlie's speech to enjoy the party as well.

The radio demon seemed disoriented for a second, his hands still resting against the palms of the king, until Lucifer just laughed and twirled himself off his grip to the rockola.

"Sure! What is a party without some little bit of music?" Once he set it up the volume and changed to another tune, this one more rapid, he started snapping his fingers at the rythm. "Does this work for you?"

"Oh, not bad. Thanks, short king" Angel twirled Cherri in the air and catched her with one arm.

Cherri, not wanting to be less, grabbed him by the neck and impulsed herself up, dancing with her own moves. Angel threw away any pretense that he knew a single music appropriate dance move and followed her lead. Shaking his head, moving his money making ass and for once, somehow, still excited about tomorrow.

"Husk, bring your fluffy ass here! This is totally your vibe!"

Husk chuckled at the side.

"I don't think so" snickered as he didn't lost sight of the spider demon and Angel smirked.

He saw at Sir Pentious nearby, playing with the hem of his hat between his hands as he followed them too.

"Your loss, whiskers. Pentious!" called, going up to the snake man and bringing him to the unexpected dance floor before he could say anything. Closer to Cherri banging her head. Was it too direct? Maybe, but who cared. "Come on, man, dance with me! You still have hips, don't you?"

"Y-yess?"

"Then used them, don't be shy."

As Sir Pentious was struggling to keep up with Angel, Lucifer felt Alastor vanishing among his shadows and then saw him reapper on the balcony above the lobby, watching over them. He wasn't offended by the distance, it was easier to keep up the secret.

When he looked around the room, as more people came to dance, he perked up at seeing Charlie walk in with Vaggie with their hands connected. The princess seemed happy with how the event was going as she walked to him.

"Everything okay, papa?" asked Charlie nonetheless, dedicating to the devil a more attentive look.

Lucifer almost blushed at that. She shouldn't be the one worrying about her father on that way, not when of the two she had more to deal with.

"I am fine, sweetie" said sincerely, holding her hand. He decided he wasn't going to mention the dried tears on her face that she still hasn't cleaned up, even if his chest constricted at noticing. Whatever had happened, she already seemed to have calmed down from it and it wouldn't help to bring it up again if Charlie wasn't going to do it herself. "But I am glad that I found you. I got a little surprise for you. Vaggie, do you mind I steal her for a moment?"

Vaggie did blushed, taken aback by the courtesy. She checked on Charlie, who gave her a slight nod.

"Sure, sir" said, dedicating a final squeeze to Charlie's shoulder before daughter and father dissapeared behind one of his portals.

When they came out to the other side, Lucifer was standing on the balcony outside of his and Alastor's room. The nights of hell were always less warm than during the day, so a nice breeze received them as they stand up. From there they could see all the front of the hotel, the canons waiting to be used, the reinforced wired walls to protect their surroundings.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" asked Lucifer, when he couldn't resist anymore.

"Just… some nerves for tomorrow, papa, that is all" said Charlie, not wanting to lie and not wanting to dwell on it either. She sighed, crossing her arms together, and didn't elaborate so Lucifer didn't pressured her for it. "What did you say about a surprise?"

"Not just any old surprise, oh no no" hyped up Lucifer, lifting a finger. "This is a especial ocassion, Charlie. I haven't worked in something like this since before you were born! But I think it was totally worth it" Lucifer hold up one of her hands. "Close your eyes."

Charlie arched an eyebrow with a little smile, but did as told. After making sure that she wasn't peeking from under her eyelashes or anything like that, Lucifer opened up a small portal and received on his hand what he was looking up, putting the hand of Charlie on top.

"Now open them up."

Charlie blinked, first without understanding what she was holding, but quickly her eyes widen up with full understanding.

"A shield?!" asked, turning it around to see the design of six golden wings and the center that it was the heart of an apple.

The gold looked absolutely spotless, reflecting the dark red sky through a filter.

"A a shield made out of angelic steel to be precise" preened Lucifer, patting a hand on the surfice of it. "Absolutely nothing is going throug a bad boy like this one. I know, I tested it already. Feel it on your arm. Is it comfortable?"

She tested out the grip on the interior by putting it on her arm. It had the right weight where it wasn't too light she could forget it was there nor too heavy to be distracting.

"This… this is amazing, papa!" Charlie hugged the man, right into the already open arms of the devil. "When did you…?"

"When you came back from your first meeting with Adam" said Lucifer, rubbing her back as he squeezed. More specifically the moment the extermination was announced closer than it should have been. He had hoped that things wouldn't escalate any further, but at the same time couldn't stay without doing something. "I don't know, I think I thought it could be useful in the long run. Although I was really rusty on my forging, so it took me a couple of tries to get the hang of it again."

"It's beautiful" Charlie smiled, more relaxed and warm now, kissing his cheek. "Thanks, papa."

"Nothing less for my duckling" Lucifer looked up to her and there was so many things he wanted to say. How proud he was of her, how beautiful she was, how sorry he was he couldn't stay and help protect everything. How he saw now that this project of her was worth it because sinners truly cared about it. But if he knew anything about himself is that once he opened up that door, his own terror was going to spill out all over the place, and Charlie deserved a night to take care of herself before anyone else. She more than anybody did. So instead of sharing any of that, he squeezed her hand with a smile he hoped could transmit at least a third of what he had in mind. "I could have never chosen a better daughter."

Charlie nodded once, then twice, and before he knew it she was already crying on his arms and the door had been obliterated into smitherings as his own eyes filled up. Oh, well, at lest he tried.

"I am so scared, papa. Everyone is counting on me and I am so grateful, but I don't know what to do if they get hurt…"

"I would literally never forgive myself if anything happens to you, sweetie. You are my greatest pride in my entire life and I don't know what I even did to deserve you…"

"How did we even end up here? I just wanted people to find a nice place where they could actually be nice and tomorrow we are fighting angels? Everyone is putting their lives on the line and I don't know if I can even handle that…"

"You were so tiny when you were a kid and I would get so nervous every time you had to get out of the palace. I literally could not sleep on your first sleepover and now I have to see you go knowing you are going to be fighting heaven, how is anyone supposed to do that…"

They both talked over each other, not really needing an answer, until they both devolved into just making noises as they sobbed holding onto each other like they were afraid the other one could let go at any moment. Eventually, somehow, they found each other on their knees on the floor. Lucifer didn't know if he actually felt any better or just got himself tired.

"Well" said Lucifer, sniffing, after what felt like too long. "There goes my plans to be the cool dad for once."

Charlie nuzzled her head against his shoulder. The tension on her shoulders was easing up with each inhale.

"I… I think I needed that" said Charlie, straighten up, only to let out a small chuckle. She whipped up the face of Lucifer with her sleeve. "You too, papa."

"I am your father, I don't need anything" said Lucifer, shaking his head as he wrapped her shoulders. "I just need you to be okay, sweetie. More than anything, I need you and your dad to be okay. I don't care about anything else but that."

"I know" Charlie sighed, holding him back. Lucifer started rocking her gently from side to side, petting her hair like she was still a kid scared of a thunderstorm. She closed her eyes, letting herself feel comforted and safe on the familiar embrace.

Neither of them knew how much time it passed until Charlie felt a tingle on the back of her head. When she looked down, she saw Alastor's shadow waving, his figure extending from their own shadows.

"Hi, dad."

For her there wasn't another you when it came to Alastor's shadow. They were all part of her father so they got treated the exact same as him. Lucifer looked down following her eyes and smiled, more easily now.

"Hey, babe. I guess we did took a while, huh?" The shadow nodded, his face frowning with concern. Lucifer finally let Charlie go to rub at his own face, almost embarassed with himself now. So much for letting Charlie relax. "You should probably get back down, duckling. Or head to bed to rest now."

"I think I will do that" Charlie took back her new shield, grabbing it on her arm. It was truly comfortably to carry. She got herself on her feet and offered her hand for Lucifer to do the same. "Thanks again for this, papa. I will make good use of it, I promise."

Lucifer accepted the help, quickly fixing up his suit to try to reform some semblance of composure. He stopped at the words of his daughter.

"I know" assured, patting her arm. "Kill them all, honey"

"That is not really the main objective, but thank you" Charlie chuckled, looking down at the floor again. "Dad, I am going to bed. See you tomorrow, okay?"

The shadow nodded its head, opening up the balcony door and then the door of the bedroom for her to pass through. Once Charlie was out, the shadow closed the door again and Alastor materialized in the balcony as Lucifer climbed on top of the railing, keeping a perfect balance.

If it were any other being on hell, Alastor would already be expecting the moment they were going to slip up and he could get a laugh at their expense as they fell to the ground. Being Lucifer, though, he could only admire how easily he walked over the fine black iron line as easily as anyone walking down the street.

"I see that she enjoyed her present" commented.

"Now I am thinking I should have make it bigger" said Lucifer, sighing as he squated, chin on hand. On that pose he looked even more like a bird watching down from a telephone line than before. "Late for that now, I guess."

"Nonsense, it will do its job just fine" Alastor sat against the railing, supporting his weight on his arms as he looked at Lucifer turning to the future battlefield. "Does it feel nostalgic, my love?"

"Kinda, but not for what you think" commented Lucifer. Under the red flow of the pentagram in the sky, the gold blush of Lucifer stand out like a lighthouse in the middle of the ocean. "Back when humanity was still figuring out how to create a civilization here, they would constantly go to war with each other. There was a lot of big empty spaces filled with nothing but traps, waiting for any soul to come in and get captured. Similar to how it's there right now. That was the state hell was in when I decided to get drunk and made that condition with Ozzie. Trust me, the war on Heaven was a lot less organized than this." He snickered, stretching casually as his eyes fell back to his husband. His hand extended to pet him between his antlers before moving to the ears, gently scratching them with his claws. Alastor leaned into him, elevating his head just in time for Lucifer to steal a kiss. He didn't move, letting his lips to persue him back when Lucifer pulled away just enough to speak. "Were you listening what I talked with Charlie?"

"What I was able to understand at least" recognized Alastor without more convincing.

"Stalker much?"

"Only for you, my king" Alastor grinned, lifting up a hand to cup his cheek. "I have found no better center for my attention."

"Oh, pulling up the old charm now, are we?" Lucifer chuckled as he extended his wings, floating more than actually flying, as if held by a string on the air, to keep on eye level with Alastor. His hands grabbed onto the railing at each side of the demon, whose arms came to rest over the shoulders of the fallen angel. A lazy hand came to brush against the blonde hair on his nape as Lucifer smirked. “If I didn’t know any better, I would say you try to seduce me or something, babe. How come?”

“Our daughter said to spend this night however we like” Alastor nuzzled him with his nose, coaxing the mouth of Lucifer to come find him first. When he did, he sighed into the soft kiss. “Maybe I wish to spend it like this.”

Lucifer turned his head to the other side, looking into his eyes.

“Are you sure? If you want I could accompany you to hunt something in the city. Anything or… anyone you want. Charlie doesn’t have to know about it.”

“Mmm, tempting” Alastor’s grin widened, delighted with how well his husband knew him. “However, we can do that every other day anyway” added, tightening his grip around the angel until the hands of Lucifer had to land on his waist.

A little peak of magic later the six wings were gone. Lucifer landed softly on the floor and he extended his legs forward, just so he wouldn’t bend so much. The expected result was that their bodies came closer to each other, feeling their warmth even through their clothing.

Truth be told, he didn't know either why he felt like having this as his chosen way to spend the night. Maybe it was his own way to assure Lucifer that he didn't have to be afraid for either of them tomorrow when he had to go before the extermination. Maybe after hearing his loss of composure with Charlie wanted to change his mood with something he knew for sure that he would enjoy. Or a part of him just wanted for that connection between the two of them, even if his body didn't need it. It could be all of it and even more stuff he didn't want to name in combinations he truly did not care about finding out.

One didn't reach the overlord title by questioning their desires and actions. They did by bending the world to their will no matter who they had to trample for it and forcing everything else to conform to their own version of reality.

Right at that moment he wanted to just be with his husband in the privacy of their room and so he would, the rest of hell be damned again. He didn't need any other reason than that and Lucifer only needed his consent, which he was glad to give as he deepened his kiss, letting his tongue come first to find communion on Lucifer's mouth. The little moans he conjured up out of his husband made his chest swelled up with pride. On an objective level he appreciated them as the loveliest sounds ever heard. How could he not when were for him, because of him and all his?

"Take me to bed, my lord” whispered Alastor, letting his voice become deeper like a goos scratch on the throat.

Those were the magic words that erased any doubts for Lucifer and he wasn't one to dissapoint once he set up his mind up to something. When Alastor felt those strong hands gripping his thighs, he couldn't help but to feel grateful that nobody got to see with how embarrasingly easy it was for the king of hell to hoist him up to his shoulder like he was lighter than a pillow. With one hand Lucifer hold his legs against his chest, giving him a place to sit, while his other one went to get a grip of his tail under his coat, succesfully ripping a squeak out of him that Alastor tried to cover up a second too late. One of the many reasons why few people ever saw it was exactly how sensitive it was, sending shivers he couldn't control along his spine.

Alastor couldn't see the face of Lucifer, but knew very well the satisfied grin on his pale face as he carried him inside, closing the doors with magic as he directed his steps to the bed. Alastor felt the fluttering of Lucifer's wing near his face as his husband floated above the bed, letting him fall gently over the covers. Lucifer straddled him above his stomach.

"Last chance, babe" said the king, pulling on his bowtie to kiss his cheek.

It was merely a courtesy, of course. They both knew there was no turning back, but it still felt nice that he asked for confirmation. Alastor made it known too by turning his head, trapping his husband for another wet kiss. The scrap of his tongue against those sharp teeth felt delicious, a small reminder that Lucifer could rip it out if he wanted to. That he would if he asked him to. He never did, but the indulgent thought was still something he came back to whenever they joined mouth for more than a few seconds.

"You don't have to make me cum tonight" did specified, nuzzling his neck. It wasn't the first time he told him something similar. With time he had learned the best way for the both of them to navigate this aspect of their relationship and a big part was find out how a climax could be entirely optional for him. As long they were together and Lucifer found pleasure on his body, then that was enough for him. "Do whatever you want. I don't mind" He kissed his cheek, lapping his tongue over the red circle. Every inhale and exhale from the fallen angel was coming up heavier, warmer than the last. "I just want you."

"Alright" Lucifer's hand lifted to the back of his head, scratching the buzzed part on his nape. His red eyes shinned with a twisted sparkle that had his heart racing "but if it happens anyway, don't get upset at me."

Alastor smirked. That was unlikely to happen. If he wasn't already particularly excited, then it was very hard to get his body up to that point and this didn't feel like one of those nights.

"Deal" said, bringing him closer for another kiss and lingered over his lips. "Just don't make it a priority. I am sure that my beloved husband can figure it out and still make it worth my time."

"Don't I always?" Lucifer arched an eyebrow with his own smirk and Alastor swallowed the tiniest bit, nothing else.

No force in hell would get him to admit that he did, since the very first moment Alastor initiated that kind of contact between the two of them. That kind of power was too much for the king of hell and Alastor knew he would never let it go. Lucifer's ego didn't need the pick me up.

"Show me then" challenged instead.

Lucifer pushed him down to the bed. His dexterious hand first pulled out his bowtie, sending it flying directly to a nearby chair, alongside with his coat that took out of him. When he started unbuttoning the red shirt, he shoved his face on the fluff of his chest as his fingers ran through the short fur over his stomach and waist.

Muffled sounds of admiration came through as Lucifer was pulling out his belt, sending it to the same chair as every piece of clothing he was taking out. Alastor relaxed with a smile. Lucifer could make everything dissapear with a snap of his fingers or even rip it appart without much effort, but he was taking his time, further soaking up every part of his body that he was uncovering like a delicacy he had to savor.

"Fuck, you smell so good, why you always smell so good" Lucifer kissed his way down, opening his pants to pull down his legs. Alastor helped out having his tentacles to pull out his shoes. "This part of you especially…" Lucifer nuzzled his face just right above his crotch, kissing it reverently. "The bestest idea you ever had, babe."

Alastor looked at the ceiling, letting the little tingle of pleasure between his legs to wash over. It was, in fact. When he suggested Lucifer to apply an spell to change his genitalia, he was mostly just curious if it would have any impact at all on how he perceived or felt about sex. It did not, and because of that, he never saw the point of going back either. He never did much of anything when he had a dick anyway and he barely thought about not having it the rest of his day, if at all, to his own surprise. The only times he became aware again that he had those parts he wasn't born with were these, when Lucifer enjoyed it far more. More than anything, Alastor thought it was the most practical alternative to have. That way they didn't had to waste time on any lubricant or preparations.

At the start of their little experiment, Alastor questioned if that meant that some part of Lucifer missed being with other people with those parts. Lucifer had laughed and assured he could have anything down there, even a complete nothing like a doll, and he would still prefer it over anyone else, which was weirdly affirmative in more ways he expected it. Having a low libido aside, knowing he was still desired on that way was it's own form of pleasure he had only truly indulged in when he was with his husband. Other admirers couldn't even come close to compare.

"I do tend to have those" commented Alastor, tilting his head when Lucifer finally let his pants ago and opened up his legs. His hand came out to press against the forehead of the hallen angel when he felt him getting closer. "Darling, you don't have to."

"You said do whatever you want" Lucifer pointed out with a slight pout. "I want to taste you before I come inside. Can I?" Alastor sighed, parting his legs.

He truly did not understand the fascination of Lucifer with doing that, but then again, he did not understand why his husband needed to masturbate some nights while calling out his name either. Some things were just bound to remain a mystery.

When the long tongue of Lucifer slipped between his folds, he percieved some warm spread over his body. But somehow just seeing the way Lucifer could be so entranced was almost better, right until the tongue lapped against his entrance and he sighed, feeling it slip inside so easily. Lucifer breathen in, lifting the thighs of the radio demon to give himself more space. The own moans of Lucifer accompanied the wet sounds of his ministrations, while Alastor breathing was slower. At some point his legs twitched around the monarch's head, his hips moving to rub against Lucifer's face.

He always assumed that was merely a biological response that was bound to happen no matter what. But even then, sometimes he couldn't get past a certain threshold and stayed there, the flame failing to cause the forestal fire that it was for other people. It didn't mean that he didn't enjoyed it or it was frustrating on any way. It was just the way things worked up for him, unless something else was added to the mix or Lucifer decided to dedicate a lot more imto into it.

Alastor wondered if he would do it, just to see what kind of results he could get. The entire night had a lot of hours and Lucifer's jaw never got sore, that much he knew already. But his husband seemed to be satisfied with a taste and lifted up, going at for his lips. Alastor tasted his own flavor inside and around Lucifer's mouth, musty with a hint of salt and still warm. He licked the curve of his smile, still not getting the appeal but enjoying that doing that to him was what Lucifer wanted. Maybe it was like with the drinking blood sometimes. Lucifer didn't understand either why he desired it so much and still there was a sense of pride in providing.

"Happy now?" teased Alastor lightly, brushing his fingers through the blonde hair as he heard a familiar sound of a zipper being opened up. Besides the hat that had fallen to the floor and his own jacket off, only that was about to change about his clothing. He arched an eyebrow at realizing it had to be intentional. "How properly dressed is the king for this ocassion."

"Oh, but you deserved it, babe" Lucifer lifted up his legs, caressing the thighs up and down as he got himself in position. Alastor could feel his insides preparing for it, his hands landing on the knees of the king as he fell back on the bed. "Only the best for my loving husband."

Alastor grinned. He walked right into that one.

"You got a new husband I don't know about?"

Lucifer snorted, murmuring a playful shut the fuck up as he kissed him again. This time Lucifer's tongue came on his search, the long and thin guest wrapping around his tongue until Alastor had to grab the king's face to follow the movement. His own moans reached a high pitch tone when the king penetrated inside with a single hip thrust. It always felt a bit weird at first, but never painful or unwelcome. Alastor wrapped his legs around the monarch's waist, his ankle brushing against Lucifer's bottom as he looked up at him bitting his lips, giving him a moment to process.

"I am fine" assured him, kissing his cheeks on his way to nibble at his pointy ear. He smelled wonderfully familiar, a tinge of sweet soft comfort underneath his cologne, and somehow that made it easier to relax, becoming even more aware of how much space Lucifer was occupying inside. Never another demon was on his same position and never another would be, as long he had a say on it. A long time ago he had decided that it had to be Lucifer or no one else. "My love" whispered, hugging him close until his naked chest was pressing against the stripped vest and, alright, maybe he could understand that a little better. Only his king could ever make him enjoy that feeling of vulnerability, of not having any defenses left. "Move. Use me. That hole exist only for you."

It wasn't just dirty talk either, it was the entire truth. On his own he very rarely had the inclination to touch himself, so the only time it became relevant or pleasurable at all was with Lucifer's intervention and he wouldn't even want it any other way.

His husband exhaled air, a puff of fire coming up close to his face, and his eyes shined with such open adoration that Alastor was caught on it like a deer on the lights. It was almost too intense to whistand.

“Fuck, I love you so much.”

Thankfully Lucifer didn't let him dwell on it before he came to kiss him again, his tongue still so impossibly hot that it could burn through ice. It reminded him of the way Lucifer would prepare his coffee each morning, almost to the point of boiling, the perfect hit to start the day. Alastor let out a tiny whine before he could catch it himself and Lucifer drank it as well, refusing to let go anything that came from him.

Lucifer supported his weight over his forearm. Knowing what came next Alastor grabbed to the back of the king, his claws burying themselves on the fabric as if he needed to hold on already. When the king of hell started moving his hips, it was first strong and decisive but he picked up his rhythm rather easily. The creak of their bed accompanied the pressure against his body.

Alastor hold on to the headboard with one hand, the other one grabbing as deep as he could, knowing that nothing he could do could ever hurt truly hurt Lucifer. Or mark him, regrettably so.

From such a privilege position, he could see every aspect of his husband: from the way his horn came out from above his forehead, the golden blush that spread over his face, the way his eyes wrinkled, not for the effort of keep going but from not going too far. They knew their bodies well enough that Lucifer knew exactly how much strenght he needed and how much Alastor could stand before leaving all his muscle sore for the next day. He could bash his head in, crush his spine, destroy his pelvis, without even trying to, and yet, Alastor never felt scared of not even once.

In a secret space of his mind, where he wasn't willing to speak of it, he almost wanted him to do it. To snap completely and show him the kind of monster he could actually be, to give him a taste of what a unrestrained Lucifer could be. It had to be so hard to control himself so much even then, when he should be able to just enjoy himself. But he wouldn't be able to survive it and Lucifer would never want to subject him to it. On that space of his mind, he allowed himself to be annoyed at the limitations of his own body.

Outside of it, he brought Lucifer down by pushing his head and his mouth burned, little cloud of smoke coming out between them even as their saliva joined them, as if they shared a cigarrete. Alastor never picked such a disgusting habit, but still had his fun blowing the smoke back to his husband's face with a cheeky smirk.

"You can do better than that, my love."

That only seemed to stir Lucifer, exactly as he hoped so. With a vibrating low growl, Lucifer picked up both the radio demon's legs to press against his chest until his shoulders connected with his knees. His back also curved up as Lucifer got into a new position, allowing him to let his weight add onto his thrusts. Alastor had prepared another comment, always willing to poke at the bear, but Lucifer must have read it on his face because he immediately grabbed to his chin, giving him such a kiss that he could forget about it.

Normally it wasn't going to be that easy, but soon Alastor realized that Lucifer had no intention of give him the chance. The grip of him was just as relentless as the tongue moving against his, far longer, literally wrapping itself like a boa so Alastor was fully incapable of doing anything else but wordless noises. Lucifer still had enough space to smile victorious.

Alastor squinted his eyes. Oh, so that is how it was going to be? If Lucifer was willing to pull his weapons like that, then by all means he had no issue going to his same level. He took his hands to the low part of Lucifer's back as he squeezed him inside, mercilessly, as much as he could. He kept at it even as Lucifer kept moving in and out, until the king of hell let out his tongue to moan another puff of fire.

The radio demon chuckled, licking the beads of sweat off his husband's face, nuzzling him with his nose to breath him in. This was a different kind of effort already. The way his breathing had changed as he hold up the pressure on his body was something he recognized.

"Are you holding up for me, darling?" asked, sultry, kissing the corner of his mouth. One eye of Lucifer looked up, the other closed, his hips going even faster now. Alastor felt his legs weak and knew he had found his threshold. Still, he did his best to keep talking as coherently as he could between intakes of new air. "That is right, my king. Do make use of the gift you gave to me and don't worry about a thing. Fill me up like you clearly are dying to do."

"Shut up" Lucifer's deep growl came back, his pupils becoming thin like a cat's as he came closer to his full demon form.

Alastor did without intending to, something inside of him shivering, making him squeeze his interior again. Seeing those traces again reminded him to when he saw him, only on the few ocassions Lucifer felt the need to fight, to protect and guard what he cared about. It reminded him when he finally understood what falling in love was like and his whole body hold to his husband. Lucifer wrapped his arms and tail around his middle, as tight that it was almost suffocating.

The bite on the sinner's shoulder announced the climax of his king. Alastor felt the familiar breaking of his skin and the almost apologetic lick as Lucifer's slowly came down his own high. His horn retracted as his body started to relax again. Alastor nuzzled the crown of blonde hair, petting the back of his hair as he heard the breathing of Lucifer normalize against him.

After some while, Lucifer moved ever so slightly to pull out and immediately clean the two of them out with a snap of his fingers.

"See? Wasn't that nice?" asked Alastor, perking up.

His own heart beat was sounding on his ears as the flow of his blood came back where it should be, but other than that he felt rather good with himself.

Lucifer smiled with a goofy relaxed expression. His chin rested on top of the radio demon's chest as his tail lazily moved from side to side.

"You are always… fucking amazing for me, baby" said the king, after thinking it over. With a new snap of fingers, his own suit was gone off his body, replaced with nothing else but some boxers. Alastor sighed with relief that he had put some underwear on him too. Once done that, Lucifer climbed at the level of the pillow to speak to him, his hand still over his stomach. "How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?" Lucifer inspected him quickly and cringed at seeing his shoulder. "Oh, fuck, I went overboard there."

Alastor almost asked him to leave the bite be, but Lucifer had already applied his warmth palm there and the healing magic was always too relaxing to refuse, like some nice massage that made any tension he didn't know he had melt away like it never existed. Who needed a spa day when they had such a power at hand.

"Sorry" The eyebrows of Lucifer inclined at the end of his eyes.

"My dear, I had way worse wounds than that" sighed Alastor, bringing him over to kiss his lips, only finding the fainstest of traces of his own blood over his lips. Lucifer had even give him way worse than that before, with his full enthusiastic consent. When they separated, he kept his fingers playing with the blonde hair. "Why do you even apologize? You know I have no issue with that kind of gestures from you."

"Yeah" admitted Lucifer, blushing as he avoided his eyes. "But tomorrow you really shouldn't be dealing with that and on top of that everything else. Does anything else hurt?"

Alastor shook his head. Maybe on the morning his lower back was going to be a bit stiff, but it wouldn't last long.

"I feel perfectly fine" assured, running his claws over the spine of Lucifer. "It was… acceptable" added with a grin. "Not a waste of time at all. Would do it again."

Lucifer chuckled softly, accomodating at his side as he magically made the covers to be on top of them instead of under.

"I aim to give acceptable results" said Lucifer, nuzzling his shoulder as he hugged him under the warm of the sheets. "Are you sure you really don't want me to do anything else, babe?"

"Just sleep" Alastor spoke against his forehead, pressing his lips there. "And wake me up before you go back home."

Lucifer nodded, his arm attractive the other demon's body closer to him. Now that they were in agreement, Alastor turned on his side, allowing the king to press chest against back. He had no idea how did they ever decided that was going to be their positions in bed, but couldn't say that he regretted it as he locked fingers with Lucifer over his waist. It was nice to feel hold onto. A secret that he would paint the world red into before ever saying outloud.

Lucifer hummed tiredly, leaving a kiss on the space between his shoulder blade. When he murmured a tiny I love you, Alastor squeezed his hand before answering me too. They were both gone soon after.

Alastor woke up seeing the familiar red flow of the morning through his windows, very well rested and ready to face the day. But as soon he started to stretched out his legs under the covers, he noticed Lucifer's erection pressing against his lower back. He turned his head to look the sleeping face of his husband, perfectly relaxed, perfectly beatiful as his hips moved unconsciously in search of friction.

Alastor considered just wake him there and then. Today was extermination day and Lucifer couldn't stay much longer. He himself had to make sure that everything was set up to receive the exorcists, to keep Charlie safe. A busy day awaited them. It would be the most logical action to alert Lucifer so at least they could share a cup of coffee and Charlie had a chance to hug her father. It was the responsible thing to do even.

And yet, he still reached his hand to grip his husband from behind and give it a firm squeeze through the underwear. One last moment of fun couldn't really hurt anyone. Charlie would hug her father when all the extermination nonsense was over.

As he let his hand work, knowing to keep a steady rythm, Lucifer's hips moved to find him. Alastor found the vision too fascinating to move his eyes off him. Just as the monarch's breathing started to hitch, Lucifer's brow furrowed until he was fully awake, blinking slowly as he took in what was happening.

"Good morning, my love" Alastor sang, chuckling at his adorably lost expression.

"Nice morning" Lucifer yawned as his hand took a grip on his waist, caressing his thighs in circles. Alastor twisted his wrist, his pinkie and palm making the most pressure around the head. Lucifer sighed. "Did I ever told you are the best thing ever?"

"You could do it more" Alastor smiled, never one to reject compliments. "Want to go inside?" offered casually.

"Do you mind?"

"It's fine" he pressed his bottom back against his husband, letting his tail to brush against Lucifer's stomach. "Where?"

Lucifer kissed his shoulder.

"Ass."

Alastor hummed affirmatively, lifting his hips for a moment to let his husband to move his red boxers to his thighs.

A small surge of magic told him that Lucifer had already made appear the lubricant and he was proven right when he heard the wet sounds of Lucifer drenching himself on it, all before positionig as he spread Alastor open. The radio demon relaxed his body as he felt his husband coming in. It was different than what they did last night, the pressure was even more notorious that way, but there was no pain either as Lucifer buried himself entirely.

For one single second neither of them moved. Alastor lowered his head, a small exhale seemingly being the go ahead that Lucifer needed to start moving. It wasn't the same fierce hungry need, but rather something slow and calm that was going to stretch out the moment for as long as he could. There was no rush whatsoever.

Alastor buried his face on his pillow, one of his hand gripping Lucifer's one holding him, as if to bury his own moans. His body was suffering small shocks every time that Lucifer almost pulled out, only to join to him as deep as he could go.

"You are such a good deer boy for me, sweetheart" whispered Lucifer, leaving butterfly kisses along his neck. Alastor's jaw tensed up when the devil started nibling on his shoulder. "So tight and warm for your king. No other in any of the nine circles of hell can compare, babe. Do you even know crazy I am about you?"

Alastor opened up his mouth to give a witty retort, but when all that came out with a moan he closed it again, covering it with his hand. Last night he had managed to keep control so well, but now he could feel himself trembling with each thrust and his back arching further on that direction.

"Every part of this body is so fucking perfect" murmured Lucifer, his ow voice getting heavier, his grunt interrupting the flow of his words. "Fuck. What did I ever do to deserve such a fine demon like you? You don't know?"

Alastor shook his head, either as an answer or to refuse himself let out the whine that he knew was waiting to escape him. The most mortifying part is that he knew that Lucifer wasn't even really trying to cause any of that now. The king's hand was firmly keeping him in place while the other was trapped underneath the pillow. He was just doing what Alastor allowed him to do and still, he couldn't help to crumble at the slow burn that was increasing inside of him. His toes curled up as he grabbed the sheets with all his might.

"No matter because this is mine, isn't it?" Lucifer's just woke up voice was deeper than usual and that made it so much worse. "Everything here is mine. All mine, isn't it, Alastor?"

"Mmm" Alastor had no idea what he wanted to say with that.

An affirmation, a protest against his own body, a question, a silent beg for a mercy.

He frowned with quiet frustration and effort. It wasn't fair that Lucifer could still talk while he couldn't think what words were supposed to be. Why did his proximity alone was making him so sensitive?

Lucifer haven't realized yet the effect he was having. He the space between his shoulder blades the closer he was to finish, speeding up his movements.

"I love you so…" Lucifer's words cut up when Alastor suddenly threw his head back, hitting him on the forehead as a loud moan filled their room.

Alastor's whole body tensed up, his chest struggling to catch up with his heartbeat. When he came back a little bit of his high, he suddenly realized what had happened.

"Did you just… ?" Lucifer sounded just as surprised as him.

"No" answered Alastor, too quickly to come out naturally.

"Are you blushing?" Lucifer teasing smile translated over his voice so clearly he didn't have to see him to know it was there. "Fuck, that is so cute."

"Can you just finish already?" Alastor stubbornly buried his warm face on the pillow.

Lucifer chuckled, lifting himself up over his forearm to kiss his cheek.

"I kinda did with you" commented, hugging him by his chest and squeezing him close. Alastor tried and failed to contain a shiver when the king petted him between his antlers, his head instantly inclining towards him. The pressure of Lucifer's fingers slowly got Alastor to relax again, a tiny squeak escaping him. "There we go. Better?"

Alastor sighed, turning to see him. He lifted a hand to cup his cheek and Lucifer smiled, turning slightly to kiss his palm.

"It's okay, you didn't hurt me" commented Lucifer. When he pulled out of Alastor to clean the two of them and pulled up their boxers again, Alastor was grateful that he didn't comment on the way his body trembled or how he couldn't really hurt him that easily. "Hungry?"

Before Alastor could say that he was always hungry, a knocking on the door shocked the two of them. Instead of the voice of Charlie, the visitor that would make the most sense, Angel Dust spoke up.

"Short king? Or Smiley face, I don't know, any of you is there? I need to talk to you about something."

Lucifer and Alastor looked at each other.

"Which one is that?" asked Lucifer in a whisper.

He still haven't fully attached everyone's voices to their faces or names.

"Angel Dust, love."

"Ah, right."

When Angel Dust knocked again, Lucifer decided to came out, making a pajama appear over his body just as Alastor jumped out of bed to go at his bathroom. Lucifer opened up just enough to see the tall spider demon standing on the hallway.

"Hey…" Angel Dust stopped for a moment, taking a second look at him. "Oh, shit, did I interrupt something?" Lucifer was almost actually impressed. How the fuck would he know? Was that a spider six sense? Without waiting for a response, Angel shook his head. " Whatever, no important right now. Listen, I forgot about telling you this yesterday and that is my fault, but since you were taking valuables to the palace, can I ask you to take one last thing? That way I won't have to think about it the rest of the day."

"Uh… sure" said Lucifer. It didn't cost him anything at all to portal one more thing. There was plenty of space in the palace for almost anything he could have. "What is it?"

"Him" Angel inclined on the floor and only then did Lucifer noticed that he had a leash on his lower hand. A leash attached to a small demon pig with a pink collar that the spider demon picked up. "This is Fat Nuggets. He is the most important thing I have. Can you really keep him safe until this whole ordeal is over?"

"Awww!" It was the first time that Lucifer had seen the little creature and he was instantly conquered by his cuteness. Who could resist those soft black eyes? "Of course! But aren't you a precious little guy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Precious little cutie patootie with his chubby cutie legs and cute little tail!" he cooed, unabled to stop himself as he petted the small animal, holding his front legs to play with them.

Far from being shy with an stranger, Fat Nuggets gave his hand a tiny lick and Lucifer made a high pitch nose. To be recognized like that by a tiny adorable animal was one of the highest honors one could aspire to.

"I will defend Fat Nuggets with my life" swore the king solemnly.

All pretense of seriousness was quickly gone when Angel put the pig on his arms and he giggled happily, holding him close.

"He is a really good boy" added Angel. "Just give him something soft to sleep on and some snack and he won't cause you any trouble. He can eat anything, and I mean anything, so whatever you give him is fine."

"Don't worry, he will have plenty of food and space to run around in the palace!" said Lucifer, nuzzling the creature against his face. "And once the extermination is done for, I will bring him back to you!"

Angel's eyes darkened for a moment, but whatever thought crossed his mind was quickly replaced with a resolute nod.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks… your Majesty" Angel inclined to give his pet a kiss on his head and winked an eye to the king. "I will let you get back to your stuff."

"Oh, it's okay, we just finished anyway" commented Lucifer, completely missing the way that Angel turned around and cutting his attempt to find out more as he closed the door back inside.

Only when he closed the door did he realized what he said and groaned. Alastor wasn't about to give him a chance to dwell on it, materializing at his side fully dressed already. Nobody would guess what he had done just a few minutes ago.

"Oh! Did you bring some bacon to me, my love?"

Lucifer gasped, escandalized. He hugged Fat Nuggets against him, covering his ears to protect him from such an offending comment.

"We are not eating someone's pet! An owner you can if they suck, not the pet! They are too innocent for this world" cooed, petting Fat Nuggest's head. "I have to take this little buddy on the palace to keep him safe of the shitty birds."

"I heard about it" Alastor said with a grin.

"Of course you did" Lucifer rolled his eyes. He smiled down to the little piggy. "He will keep me company while I wait news from everyone."

Alastor nodded. It was going to be the first extermination in a long while that they didn't spend together. Considering that alone, Lucifer was already taking it better than he expected it. Something to distract himself with was probably going to be the best thing.

"Do you have time for breakfast, darling? Charlie will also want to see you."

"Sure" Lucifer smiled and pulled on his bowtie down without making a lot of force, a suggestion for Alastor to bend down that he accepted to follow. The devil kissed his cheek. "Kill as much as you can for me, babe."

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