#look mom I'm being social!
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9 people you'd like to know better
Ok, let me tell you: If I had seen this notification on any other site I would have panicked and run away, but these few days I spent on Tumblr got me feeling more social and less scared to post than ever! So thank you very much @herbgroom for tagging me! I did get startled by it, but am excited to give it a go!
Last song: Currently listening "They'll Find You" by Griffinilla ft. CK9C. My FNaF phase is back, could you tell?
Currently watching: I don’t watch much other than YouTube unless I want to see a specific actor buuuuut I just got around to watching Novecento today. People told me the protagonists looked like the boys from Pathologic. They were not kidding. Even Olmo’s posture reminded me of Artemy and De Niro kinda ruined daydreaming about who to cast in live-action Pathologic to me so… Also it was a weird, old but good movie. After the “hehehe Pathologic” wore off I was actually hooked on the plot. I cried. Heavy movie in some parts.
Currently reading: Does an online course count? I’m going through the Drawabox free stuff because I spent years without drawing and have to relearn, so I figure I should go back to the basics! Also took Scott Roger’s Level Up out of the shelf for a rereading this week because I think I didn’t really absorb the content the first time. *cof* *cof* because the jokes about Lara Croft’s ass bothered me *cof* *cof*
Current obsession: Do anyone go through that period where is hard to choose wallpapers because nothing is rotting your brain too much? That’s me right now. I’m grinding the Good Christian Boy achievement on Faith and being on Tumblr inspired to seriously design and post about the most random MCU Variant OC that has been living rent-free in my head since What If… So in my free time, I play Faith and overanalyze MCU costumes, but is not really taking the entire of my brain power like my previous obsessions. :(
Let me add the fun fact that I talk too much! In case it wasn't clear.
Now... I won't be able to tag people because I don’t know many people here and I feel like I’ll bother people if I tag them. I'm very sorry, I'm taking it one step at a time... T_T
Once again thanks for tagging me and thanks to anyone who read through that gigantic me post/Novecento review.
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i had a fun day 2 day ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა everyone has been so nicey 2 me all day from the minute i left my house earlier ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა ♡
i went to a Retreat for the first time for work earlier 0: and I did SO good for being up since 2am it didn't even feel like it 💀
it was so chill i drove like an hour away but Away from the city so there wasn't rly traffic and the mountains r so pretty 2 drive thru (❁´◡`❁) got some rain n v low clouds and since it's autumn there's all these pretty colors. i took an edible on the way n was just jammin out n enjoying the scenery among the many safe opportunities 2 look
and then at the thing we got 2 do different ice breakers n go on decently long breaks; i got 2 hang in different groups n actually Talk w a bunch of ppl which i never have time for omg. it's nice working at a legal nonprofit, i would NOT want to do this with corporate mfs !! 😹
went around n said hii to the enbies and i ran up a hill that looked a lot smaller than it was, i made it like 80% of the way before my legs were immediately like no girl we're done !! but my brain was like but it's Right There, and i struggled 2 finish the climb but I Did !! ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა and i was so so tired i do not remember ever being that winded before 💀 getting down was so much slower n worse bc my legs were Done and when i finally made it to the bottom i laid flat on my back for like 15m, and when when i made it back to sit n chill i still need like 10 more minutes akskska. i do not b exercising !! i just wanted 2 play it looked fun and i got excited (｡ﾉω＼｡)
in between things i was working on my sister's choker n kept winding up w a group of ppl around me 2 talk to about it and just talk 2 in general n the company was rly nice (❁´◡`❁) ♡ had a lot of different kinda talks 2day!! everyone is a sweetie!! some ppl r so funny n chill and i rly hope 2 get 2 talk more casually w people perhaps As Friends when i go in 👉👈
there's one girl in particular who is rly cute n sweet and i want 2 see her again ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა when I got home finally i had 2 hop on my work laptop real quick 2 look up her name again 2 make sure i didn't forget ☝️😌 we do not work at the same office but hii i am visiting next week 🐇
yippee!!!! ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა !!!
#i think i have become an introverted extrovert at some point 0:#which is rly nice bc my social anxiety was SO bad at the beginning of the year like i didn't even know where to start skskdksk#but i kinda figured it out? but it's also just being me? idk.. much 2 think. but i made good progress#i am getting a good grade in being funny and nice and talking to people !!#i want 2 kiss someone on the forehead#omg but if there's ANYONE who deserves a kiss it's this old lady who lives a few buildings down on the way to my car#where EVERY time i see her she always has something so so sweet to tell me about how i look#today she said I'm always looking fancy (｡ﾉω＼｡) ♡ and more but that's the main thing i remember besides the small talk#and the first time we met she asked me if i was a model fr and she's told me I'm cute and I'm just like PLEASE SKDKDKS#i can't fully tell if you're just really sweet or kinda 👀 at me but girl u r so sweet like hello do u Want a hug or a kiss ?? i love u !!#old ladies have a warmth they fill u with that just take the weight of Everything off ur shoulders n leave u feeling full n happy!!#bless old ladies fr!! literally my favorite people to interact with always i love u abuelas everywhere u r everything to me and i would do#anything for u !!!! i miss getting to help friends grandmas w stuff as a kid 🥺 it was just always great 2 talk 2 them and be close n on#good terms n stuff :3 i was the same way with their moms hehe. hi hello i want 2 help !! (✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚)#my friend is being lame and acting embarrassed but i love you please talk to me i am so so interested and think you're really#cool and funny and sweet and wise actually ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა ♡ i wanna be around u if u wanna hang out#even if it's as simple as getting 2 help in the kitchen n always helping w dishes n stuff ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა aaa ♡#omg i was late 2 the thing too and missed the breakfast and there's this sweet energetic old lady who's always like#omg u didn't get to eat? do u want this? can i get you some coffee or tea? and I'm always just like no no it's okay I'm gonna get it but#appreciate the offer and just ૮ – ﻌ–ა she is always looking out 4 me !! but she's just a sweetie like that !!#i think sharing food is a universally good way 2 make friends and it always warms my heart 2 meet ppl who r the same (❁´◡`❁)#they r always so so sweet 😭🥰 for my astrology girlies i correctly guessed that she's a taurus hehe 😼#there's another old lady who's an office manager for one of the offices n she is so soft spoken n sweet and i wish i got 2 hug her n talk#to her more 🥺 she's so far though omg i don't get to see her in person much#n e ways i work w some really warm bubbly ppl ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა i am a happy girlie 2day!! then im going Serious Mode again tmrw 🫡#oo i get to setup like an Actual server for a rack w linux and it's being delivered 2 my place tomorrow 0: I'm excited abt it as a project#AND my new jewelry came in today along w some cute underwear we r starting this wk off strong !!!#there was so so much more frm 2day i am just rly stoned n thinking abt it all (〒﹏〒)#if u actually read all of my ramble ily ty for letting me Talk ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა ♡
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I think one of my biggest fantasies in life is being able to live somewhere/with someone that I can come and go as I please. Have my own car, not have to rely on other people or explain why I can’t be home of take care of people/the dog/etc. at all time. People think I’m greedy for wanting a well-paying job but having to take care of people you’re dependant on is really shitty and money would 100% solve this problem.
#such is life#I look forward to finally getting my drivers lisence#my mom only let me practice because I convinced her it benefits her#I have a grad student scholarship that's ending and no idea where more money is coming from#I mean I am ta-ing but I'm not earning enough to pay rent somewhere#and I have a dog to take care of#I love daisy but she's a lot of work#and my mom is pretty useless#so she needs me to do nearly 100% of the work#I'm 30 why is it so hard to leave#I have no external support#why can't one person in my actual life see that my home life is shitty and help me get independence rather than just make fun of me#I'm tired of being a caregiver to someone who should have raised me#I never got to be a teenager so I don't know how to have fun so I have to pretend or people don't like me#if I've learned anything it's that all love is conditional#if you think otherwise you just don't know what the conditions are#sorry for ranting I just don't have another place I can be honest about stuff#this is a roundabout argument for ubi I guess?#having the means for financial independence and a social safety net should be someone everyone has#I know a lot of people have it much worse too#I guess this is why I need to find a good partner and create a version of myself that is appealing to them#I would kill to be loved for who I am when I'm not making myself into things but I also gotta live#and these things don't go together
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was talking to my mom about how the adoption process worked when they adopted my brother and man some people truly are just scum
#all of their process was basically public? since there wasn't a private institution back then (not sure how it is now)#so it was basically women who were 100% sure they were going to give their baby away no matter what#and then when the day came they were like noo i'm keeping the baby (which should be good right?)#and then they would do a follow up and turns out there was no baby because they were basically sold illegally#obviously to people that were not from chile#because what um hospitals? no it's not hospitals but adjacent i guess#what they would do is that they would have a program basically were pregnant women would be like hey this kid once they're born?#i'm gonna abandon them basically. so they hospital would get in contact with the social service#the social service would contact people that wanted to be parents. the they would come and there was no baby because they were sold#obviously didn't happen to my parents but what did happen was the social service lady asking them#if they wanted to see the kid first in case they ''didn't like him''#and my dad being my dad got furious because what the hell that's my kid no matter what#and the sad reality was that a lot of adoptive parents would like to look at the kid first to see if they liked them as if they were what#a fucking couch#anyways. everyday i'm more thankful for how open my mom is about this whole thing and how it was#she still has the name and all the info of my brother's biological mother in case he wants to contact her again#(which hasn't happened since he had his very big and bad bipolar crisis)#but yeah idk i admire my mom a lot she's always trying to do what's best for everyone even if sometimes it comes out a little harsh#b.txt
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i love my friends and family and support network but i'm not gonna lie i have ended up with some glaring missing spots in it and i'm so afraid of reaching out to new people that i'm just kinda resigning myself to figuring it out all by myself lol
#d#...oh ok triggered my own dysphoria in record time with this one ouch#thinking about how i'll never get to like get the experience of doing makeup with my friends or trying on clothes w them#or having like peers to share those aspects of my expression with#not to mention being fat gives me a unique horrible angle on trying to find stuff and feeling alone among my network#i love them all so much but there are times where i wish i still had more and i feel bad about it but i also know i shouldn't#i just feel rly alone with regard to where i'm at with my transition and presentation and what i need social support from like#i am looking to people i can like. imitate. learn from. that i can kind of bounce ideas off of and have them actually know how to help#not to say there's no way i could do these things with my current support but like there's a glaring lack of people *like me* in that group#i feel like i am kind of living an alien life compared to what they all do and experience and it's disorienting bc we get along so well#this is 2 separate overly verbose ways of saying i wish i had transfem friends irl or even just cis girl friends irl to do stuff with#my online friends and my mom can only do and understand so much you know#sigh . whatever i'm posting this despite it being a mess and pathetic lmfao
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#psicoanalysing myself in the tags this time so it's easier to ignore on y'all's dashes#don't say i don't care fo you guys <3#lol#no but of course i'm still thinking about autism tratis (haven't stopped thinking about it for one second)#everything i do or think now i'm comparing it to a list of autistic traits and drawing the same conclusion...#there is a big fat chance i am autistic (i'm now like 90% sure but i'm still looking things up)#anyways one big thing that is very annoying for me right now is masking...#i think i've done it all my life to such extent that i don't know what i've been faking and what's been real..#i overcompensate A LOT so i feel like i can't bring this up to people who know me (spacially my mom)#cause none of them would believe me *because* i overcompensate so much#and i'm drawing a lot of parallels with gender stuff#like to people who see me around I am VERY MUCH a girl#but for me and the people close to me i'm very clearly not#it's just that my enormous aversion to bringing attention to myself won't allow me to be myself#like i will overcompensate my masculinity by being very feminine when i'm out and about#because i know how i look! and it's more ''''normal'''' to see an afab behaving like a woman#and i don't want to be ''the trans weirdo'' everywhere i go#same with social situations. i act like i don't hate speaking because the thought of having to explain that i hate speaking#and being labeld as weird terrifies me#i once brought this up to my therapist and she dismissed it very quickly (which is why i'm no longer in therapy...)#but like i was explaining to her that i'm so anxious about going into a shop to buy anything and once i was with my mom#and i was expecting her to go and buy the things but she sent me in (validly *I* was the one that needed the things lol)#and i went in and did the buying... seemingly normal#but what wasn't seen was my thought process#the idea of having to embarrass myself in front of my mother and in public as a 20 yo who couldn't go into a shop...#and then have a back and forth discussion with my mother about how stupid that was and having to justify my anxiety and the confrontation#that was WAY worse in my head than just going in having a horrible time and buying what i needed in like 10 minutes you know?#the ''''social'''' decision i made wasn't because i don't have social anxiety it was because that was the least worse option#and i tried explaining this to my therapist and she just said ''if you had anxiety you wouldn't have gone in''#and changed the subject... just because i didn't fit what he textbook said was anxiety
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#So when I was a middle schooler#there was this guy at my church that I imprinted on.#He was 17 and I thought he was so cool. Too cool to be my friend.#And I was so awkward and shy around teenagers. They made me nervous because I always felt like they didn't like me#but he was so sweet and he treated me like a human being and he looked at me so attentively when we spoke#and I was so attached to him.#Was absolutely gutted when he went to college and absolutely thrilled whenever he came back#and the feeling was mutual. We were proper friends (or at least as close as you can get with two completely different social circles and a#four year age gap)#But he liked me enough that my mom knew was aware of it.#Anyways fast forward to tonight. I'm scrolling through Facebook looking up all these people that I used to know#(profoundly bad idea. Do not recommend)#and decided to look him up.#And guess who (I'm 99% sure) turned out to be queer af? lol. Yeah.#I guess this post is less about him and more about the fact that lately I've been thinking about my upbringing and how many people#I spent time around - got close to - who ended up being queer. And it's like. I really have been surrounded by queerness my entire life.#It's not anything I was looking for but. Geeze. We really do find each other huh. Even when we don't know we're finding each other.#It's crazy to me#Anyways. I'm going to word vomit the rest of this into my journal but I just needed to get this out.
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anyone want to vote on my next pfp.
#ok since this is my free therapy replacemsnt im gonna vent in the tags nd say#that apparently my mom is being passive aggressive with my brother about us doing smth for mothers day#haha! awesome -_- makes me want to do something real nive#nice*#anyways i dont have the time/money/energy to do anything nice but i feel like i NEED to to get hsr off my brothers back u know#but i dont WANT to and im pissed at my dad too#for not responding to my text about my papers getting finalized >.< like WHATEVER u dont have to its just youve been supporting me this who#whole journey n now u stop?#so im like fuck parents who needs em at the moment.#heehee. i have so many parental issues i have not even fully figured out yet#anyways the heart one def looks better but im personally thinking a chicken theme could be epic#also. Lmao. if ur reading this i hate to be lame and mushy online but can we like. awkwardly side hug#appreciate u.#I'm more miserable and tired than (i hope!!) i seem >.< and this is a chill place to forget about that#and the fact that i have to go sit in line at the social security office for prolly hours tomorrow :( and etc
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I hope you're having fun on tumblr :) remember: they are more scared of you than you are of them
Thank you!! I'll take your advice to heart. <3
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went out for a walk w my mom earlier n the moon was so pretty 🫶🏼
#🌙.rambles#i love taking pictures of the moon. even if the pics don't really capture its whole beauty#n pics of ppl i love c:#the moon was so clear tho!!!!#i love going out for walks when it's already rather dark outside#it's so calming and peaceful#oh & my mom bought us a new bracelet ><#mine's moonstone#bruh idk what tf i'm doing rn#looking at my pfps n social media i rmb#there was a time where i used to really be#all black. literally just yeah#black's still my fave color but#yeah definitely this year i think my identity n likes#have become even more defined#i'm less than a month away from being another year older n#hmmm though i have regrets i can say that i am ultimately proud of all i've done. and so much more i'd do#in my own time i'll forge success/improvement/development that i can continue to be proud of because it is mine#that said however there are things that are weighing in my head n placing a burden on me#in particular with words and voice and productivity. both in my studies and my own life#but i'm capable. i know i'm capable. i just need to make sure i don't break myself by isolating from others#destroy myself by denying the more intricate and fragile aspects of my humanity#as long as i stay true to myself then it'll all be alright. i shouldn't worry so much about the rest of the world#not in a selfish way though. rather i#actually wait i need to get rid of my shyness n anxiety basically ;;;;#one at a time! i need to be patient with myself. always keep kindness hope and love for life in my heart and mind#i'm rambling again uwahh >.> BUT IT'S OK. I CAN DO THIS. EVERYTHING. YEAHHH#the moon was so pretty tho 🥺 i'm really such a writer romantic n dreamer at heart hehe#i've been feeling rather lost these days so quiet moments like these mean so much to me when time goes by so fast.#hmm so much thoughts n emotions n to do but it's ok!!!! kindness n patience is the best thing i can give myself rn
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anyway it’s really funny that my entire childhood my mother was desperate to connect with me about Aesthetic Matters Of The Flesh™ while also being bound & determined to keep me from Doing Anything Goth, which of course is the ONLY form of Aesthetic Matters Of The Flesh™ i was interested in, and had she y’know. just been supportive of that. we could’ve had that ~intergenerational Flesh Decor bonding experience~ she was so desperate about
#like wow gee whiz it's as if you give your kid the option of Not Being Themself or simply refusing to engage with the concept entirely THEY#RE GONNA REFUSE TO ENGAGE WITH THE CONCEPT ENTIRELY!!!!!!!!!#you can't force your kids to be something they're not y'know#anyway as an adult dressing like a freak is my primary hobby & where the bulk of my discretionary income goes tbh#like i eat food. i drink coffee. i read (free stuff) and write (free) and hang out online (free) and use all the money i'm saving by not hav#ing a more exciting social life to dress like an ABSOLUTE FUCKING FRUITCAKE while i do those things#LIKE DAMN MOM WE COULDA BONDED BUT YOU HAD TO BE A BITCH ABOUT IT LMFAOOOOOOO#anyway. bodyartforms order says hi#i got better-sized 12g rings for my septum cuz whatever cheap cbr from work i had in was IRRITATING IT it was getting jostled too much cuz i#t was TOO BIG#and a bunch of miscellaneous ends to match various setups & i'm p stoked abt it#i am passionate about looking cool but it's a set of standards that only exists in my own head & ig that's where i fucked up with my mom lol
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Old people are hilarious. They tell us young people need to learn "actually useful" skills, work hard, and not be glued to a smartphone 24/7 if they want decent pay.
The second I put my IT skills and college degree in use to get more money, flexible hours, and smartphone privileges they throw a fit saying they deserve it more since they are older.
Like, isn't this what you told me to do if I wanted more than $15 an hour?
#work#technology#if anyone could do it then why do you need my help to add an attachment to an email#and does it really count as smartphone privileges if it is used to test our internet phones and pull up info on our stuff?#it isn't like I'm using it for social media instead of working#we can't test calls from outside numbers if we dont have an outside phone to do it with#not to mention looking up information on new pieces of tech we get because I am learning half this stuff as I go#not because I know nothing but because everything is set up differently and has different common issues#mom used to be a tech director and says half of tech is googling stuff and knowing how to google it better than others#we can't be expected to know everything about 70 different pieces but we can be expected to know how to find what we need#and of course more flexible hours comes with being a 1 woman IT department#some things require the office to be closed to do like setting up a new phone system#and tech issues are not kind enough to happen only during normal business hours#staying 2 hours late to fix a problem and then coming in 2 hours late the next day is fair game#anyway I found out why one of my older coworkers is actually retiring today#turns out she decided me getting something she doesn't was unfair and disrespectful due to our age difference#so she gave boss and owner a she goes or I go ultimatum like 2 months ago#and naturally they were like bro you can stay or go but we are keeping our IT department#so she took it as a sign from god that she was meant to retire that year instead of the next year or so#i kinda feel bad about it because she has been there like 20 years#but she was also always super mean to me soooooo#like I understand it may seem a little unfair but difference in position#her job is only needed during business hours and she stays in 1 location in 1 building 90% of the time#so she gets a comfy office#it is a tradeoff#i get a desk but not a comfy warm office with a radio#not like I'm at it 70% of the time because I go where Im needed including to our second office but still#not every role is the same and different things are needed by different roles#gonna miss her millennials can't afford houses because of starbucks and avocado toast lectures#i am a millenial who is deathly allergic to avocado and avoids coffee as much as possible lmfao
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#family#i really need to stop looking at jobs when i realize how badly i need to get out of this house because i just end up frustrated and crying#lmao#my body is a trainwreck physically and mentally and i'm severely socially inept#i cannot do most basic adult life skills because my mom intentionally wants me to be dependent on her because is more important#i have higher support needs than the average person but growing up i was left to my own devices#so things that made me gifted and smart and oh so advanced for my age start being normal for everyone else when you#don't advance anymore#then you don't have a lead anymore you're just average. and then you don't progress and now you're behind for the first time#and you can't cope#this is a whole lot of words to just say that i'm useless and lowkey a waste of space but 🤪#i know i'm being mean to myself i'm just. ugh#i just wish i could be a functional human being#vent#delete later
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Have also noticed this weird new thing where people give me considerably more dirty looks in the grocery store but will immediately stop if I wave at them or ask if I'm in their way. Like a total 180 change in demeanor. Maybe I'm reading as more masculine and it lets them figure out my whole gender deal based on my voice? Or they're just thinking the worst of me and get thrown when I'm polite to them
#My mom thinks it's the latter. Idk I can't tell#My speaking voice is now decidedly male but my addressing a stranger voice tends to be high still out of habit#Never once have I actually been in their way fyi. I just get daggers in the back of my head for looking at frozen vegetables lmao.#Especially when I'm alone. It's hard bc I'm bad at reading body language and such#And i have to ask my mom most of the time if I'm just misinterpreting. But other people notice it when they're out with me too#It just suuuuucks being a visible minority while also being unable to read social cues and such#Can't tell easily if I'm in actual danger bc I don't pay attention to my surroundings enough#And i try to assume the best of people... Which backfires when someone is for example following me on purpose
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