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dr-futbol-blog · 3 months

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Sanctuary, Pt. 18

Sheppard takes off with the jumper to go find out what just happened but not without one last look at the people he's ultimately doing all of this for.

McKay and Weir both turn to look at him but McKay is still quiet, not giving him any advice, not asking him not to go, to be careful, wishing him good luck, or what ever it is people are meant to say in situations like this. He wouldn't know what to say even if he wanted to say something. Sheppard asked him to give them a moment, and that's something he can do for the major.

What's interesting is that now we are shown Weir's agitation. We get a very similar shot of her as we did of McKay the previous night:

They are both worried about him. But Weir's worry had to do with Sheppard flying in alone and without back-up to an expected wraith attack. It's a very sensible thing to worry about. She had suddenly lost all control over a situation she thought she had a handle on and could only helplessly watch the senior military officer endanger himself, make one of those calls he saw "a little different," very clearly allowing his emotions to dictate his actions again. She's worried, and she's frustrated.

McKay's concern had been much more personal in nature. He could tell something wasn't right long before anyone else. And he'd been right about her all along. She wasn't who she claimed to be, she had some kind of a hold on Sheppard, and as much as he desired to know all the secrets of the Ancients, they should have sent her away. If Weir is concerned for him now that he's flying in blind to enemy territory, McKay is well beyond that point. He did everything in his power to protect Sheppard, and now he can only helplessly watch him go. But because the camera pans on Weir, we don't actually get to see McKay's reaction to him leaving.

For Sheppard, this is still all about "the people". He mentions Chaya's people to Weir as his motivation, and once he's through the gate and she materializes in his jumper, he also tells her that his purpose is to defend her people:

Chaya: What are you doing here? Sheppard: I'm here to help you. Chaya: Help me? Sheppard: To defend your people.

He does the same thing he did with McKay at the beginning of the episode: he wants to look but then forces himself to look away. She touches him, calms him down the way her touch has calmed down everyone she has used it on. Notice how she gives him a command while still holding on to him. She's trying to use what ever powers of suggestion she has to keep him safe by making him leave.

Only, it's not working on him anymore. For what ever reason--be it his strong ATA gene, the strength of his resolve, the power of love, something overriding her influence--it doesn't work the same way it had previously.

I want to highlight something, here. All the other characters (bar Ford) gave Sheppard commands in this episode, told him what they wanted him to do. Teyla volunteered him to show her around, Weir just told him to go. All of the women, in one way or another, disregarded Sheppard's consent. This is also something that we as the audience are primed not to recognize, as he is a man. He's the hero, the protagonist. How could his will be overridden? This is why we return to this episode in the context of Lucius Lavin later. But in contrast to all of them, McKay only ever gave Sheppard his recommendation: "I'm just recommending that in the meantime..." Even when every bone in his body seemed to be telling him that something was terribly, horribly wrong, he respected Sheppard's autonomy. He also clearly didn't want Sheppard to leave just now (also in contrast to her, here) but he still didn't tell him to stay or not to go either. If you love someone, let them go.

And here she is, still trying to make him do something that he doesn't want to do. But it's not working. He does not leave.

You can tell that he's extremely conflicted here, doing the lip thing. The beginning and the end of the episode rhyme. But where she now disappears, earlier we saw McKay appear (having just been knocked down by her). Chaya and McKay are very much contrasted in this episode.

Sheppard asked her previously what she would do if the shoe was on the other foot which seemed to upset her: "What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if your people were in trouble and we could help you? Would you just take no for an answer?"

He is not a hypocrite. He's looking for sanctuary for his people, yes, but he is willing to defend anyone from the wraith. Especially as he believes that it's his fault they have been unleashed on countless defenseless worlds. This is his responsibility. So he is there to do his part. Only, he doesn't need to. She disposes of them with ease.

Not only does Sheppard not leave like she told him to, he goes after her to her holy of holies. He needs some answers. He deserves some answers.

When she appears, he still clearly feeling anger toward her:

Sheppard: Is it "Chaya" or "Athar"? I'm just curious. Chaya: When I was a mortal, I lived here. This was my home. When those of us who you call the Ancients ascended, we were supposed to leave behind us all human ties. Some of us found that difficult. Sheppard: So you couldn't stand by and watch your people getting wiped out by the wraith.

In this, they are kindred spirits. He can understand this. She mentions human ties and he does not think of romance, he thinks of protecting his people. He can respect that but he's still upset that she pretended to be something that she never was, that she lied and lead him on. This is the first time that he even gets to meet the real her.

Chaya: This is my punishment. This is what makes it punishment. If your people came here for my protection, the others would stop me. Do you understand? I can never help your people. Sheppard: I'm not sure I'm willing to walk away that easily. And I'm not just talking personally here, although that's definitely part of it… There is so much more we can learn from you. Chaya: I can't, John. The others won't allow it. Sheppard: That's just— Chaya: It is their highest law to never interfere. I am bound by those laws, however much I wish to help you. Sheppard: So, uh, we can never… Chaya: I can never leave.

He says 'we can never' do something that he never gets to specify. We are to assume that he means "you and I" and that it has to be something romantic--they are a man and a woman, after all. We can never consummate our love. We can never hook up. We can never grow old and die together. We can never have one another. Right? I mean, Sheppard has known her, the real her, for all of ten minutes and what he does know about her is that, while she may care for her people, she's a liar and fraud. Yeah, that makes no sense.

For most of the episode, Sheppard's "we" has been "we, the people of Atlantis," and his desire has been to secure them sanctuary on her planet. It's also notable that while he's telling her that sure, he would like to get to know her better, he's still, yes still, working McKay's agenda ("We'd give just about anything to talk to you, to learn from you"). It's probably not something he does consciously, just like his reference to the instruction manuals earlier. They've just become so close, so much a part of each other, that slipping into "we" has come about naturally for the both of them. We see signs everywhere that McKay is constantly in his thoughts, even here, even now.

It's when Chaya says "And so I was exiled. My punishment was the unending protection of this world" that Sheppard finally approaches her. That is something he can relate to. Her story is very similar to his albeit on a cosmic scale. Whether exile in Antarctica had been meted out as punishment or he had chosen to punish himself with it, it's this confession that resonates with him. Allows him finally to see her as a person.

But he hasn't forgiven her. He says "Why pretend to be human at all?" through gritted teeth.

She tells him that she had never regretted the choice she made all those years ago to isolate herself and eschew human connection until she met him, having come and gone among her people never staying long enough to get attached to anyone. The thing is, we are very much asked to see the parallels between her and Sheppard. Their lives have been very similar. Their loneliness, their deep hurt, their yearning for connection, they share all these things. And Sheppard, too, could speak the words that she does here.

Only, it wasn't her that made him regret his choice to not let anyone close to him. Oh no. He has been regretting it for a while now. And the more he desires that connection, the more violently he has lashed out to protect himself from it. Chaya may lash out with her mind but Sheppard uses his words.

She is a mirror that forces him to take a look at himself, and it is not an easy thing to do. It's uncomfortable. He doesn't want to end up like her and if he persists, that's what is going to happen. It makes him deeply unhappy.

It's only when she says "Do you understand? I can never help your people" that he actually reacts to her, suddenly springs to action. Until that moment, he was merely listening to her with very little emotion on his face. And as soon as she mentions his people, the people he has endangered and that she seems to be willing to leave defenseless that he, once more, tries to convince of the right thing to do. And yes, he uses flirtation. He openly admits that it's flirtation.

He tells her: "Well, I could come and visit. And now I'm flirting with somebody from another species." He's now flirting with somebody from another species. Previously, he didn't know who she was. Now he knows, and he still has to try. It's worth it, to try.

Now, she's told him that she can never give it to him, so he would be free to flirt with her as himself. But he also just told her again that he's not willing to walk away from this so easily, he never had intention of taking no for an answer. It is also entirely possible that he's still trying to use the fact that she is clearly fond of him to try to make her change her mind, in an attempt to influence her, screw "the others". Because it is clear that she was always much more infatuated with him than he was with her. He has felt loneliness but her loneliness is on a whole other level.

But the thing is, everything that she's saying is a mirror for John Sheppard. She is saying things that he has been thinking. He's also bound by laws, by rules and regulations. However much he wishes he could do something that goes against those regulations, he is bound by them. Which means that they can never. Not him and Chaya, there's nothing about different species in his regulations. There's something else there that means he can never, even if he was allowed to have feelings, even if he never had to justify them to anyone. He can't. They can't.

Chaya tells him that she can never leave which actually is the thing Sheppard most desperately wants to hear from someone. Athar is a friend that is with you, always. But there's a difference between someone that can't leave and someone who can but chooses not to.

In the SG-1 episode Ascension, we meet Orlin. He was an ascended Ancient who is very similar to Chaya, whose character parallels her in many ways. Orlin had likewise been punished by the Others for trying to help people of the lower realm by being forced to stay on the planet and watch them.

What he tells Carter is something that Chaya may as well have told Sheppard:

Orlin: I was there for hundreds of years by myself. The first time I saw you… Carter: Look… Orlin: Please. Let me finish. My kind are capable of a level of communication that shares our innermost essence. Carter: Telepathy. Orlin: Reading someone's mind is an invasion of privacy. It's not about specific thoughts or memory. It's a sort of… exchange of spirit. Carter: So you did this sharing thing on me. Orlin: Unfortunately, you passed out. I guess you weren't prepared. But I did learn about you. Carter: What did you learn? Orlin: That you're a good person, that your heart is pure, that on the inside your spirit is as beautiful as you are on the outside.

Orlin fell in love with Samantha Carter on first sight and was willing to sacrifice everything for her, even going so far as to retake mortal form. His story mirrors Chaya's beat for beat, only she chose her people over her love for a mortal. And while Orlin fell head over heels in love with Samantha Carter at first sight, he was not the love of her life. She thought he was cute, she was flattered that such a being had taken an interest in her. But it was a human that she loved. And this human knew her much better than Orlin even after sharing their essence. Also make note of this: Sheppard could have stayed. Here, he would have someone that can never leave and basically lives forever. On Proculus, he could live out the rest of his life without having to fear losing his companion. And he, too, chooses something else. Something more fragile.

Chaya tells Sheppard "We're not as different as you think." And they are very much alike. Both are willing to do pretty much anything to protect their people, including lying, manipulating, and even killing. Both have isolated themselves to protect the people from themselves but also to protect themselves from getting too close to anybody. So long as they remain alone, they can deal with the loneliness. Both think they know what's best for their people without having to consult them on the matter. Both yearn to connect but are too afraid to reach out. Yes, although they are a different species, they are very much alike.

Sheppard tells her, "I think we're more different than you think." They are that, too. John Sheppard is human. He is flawed, he's a work in progress. His heart is not pure and his love is carnal, occasionally jealous, sometimes selfish and self-serving. He can be petty, quick to anger, make rash judgements and wallow on his mistakes. He's human, and he loves humans for being human. He loves discovery, the potential for healing together, learning about the other person, finding a home in someone that is just as deeply flawed as you are, supporting one another in sickness, through thick and thin, someone to grow old with. John Sheppard gets sick, he hurts, suffers, cries and feels sorrow. He also experiences joy, passion, yearning, desire, and compassion. He's mortal, and his life is his to give away for anyone or anything he chooses. Chaya is not these things, and can never even come to understand what any of it means. Yes, although they are similar, they are also very, very different.

Earlier, Sheppard told Chaya "We're human, which means we're not strangers. We're family." But she is not human. She is, as he says, a different species. And he is glad that she didn't say they are family.

Returning to the topic of Star Trek for a moment, according to McKay, Sheppard was acting like Captain Kirk circa 1967 in his romancing of the alien princess. Only, Kirk did no such thing. In fact, 1967 which covers the latter half of the first season and the first half of the second season of the show don't really show Kirk romancing that many women whatsoever. If anything, he is frequently sexually assaulted by alien women or he has to pretend to romance them for some particular cause. He was frequently the victim of sexual coercion by women they encountered on their journeys. In this, Sheppard is indeed like Kirk, although that was not what McKay was referring to.

There aren't any alien priestesses in the first two seasons. The first bonafide alien priestess on the show is in the third season episode For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky (S03E10). And it is not Kirk who romances her but McCoy. Natira is the high priestess of the Oracle, an unseen authoritative entity manifested by a decorative altar and a booming voice. The episode seems to be borrowing more than a little from the Wizard of Oz. The priestess falls in love with McCoy but, alas, they cannot stay together because she has to stay to lead her people. Kirk promises to McCoy that he will get to visit the planet in the future. They never return.

There are some parallels between the episode and this one.

The biggest difference of course is that Natira is an alien priestess where Chaya was only pretending to be one. She tells McCoy something that is very relevant to the resolution of this episode:

McCoy: But we're strangers to each other. Natira: But is not that the nature of men and women? That the pleasure is in the learning of each other?

The pleasure is in the learning of each other. Getting to know the other person through shared experiences, through conversation, through sustained observation, through the exploration of each other's bodies, that is the journey that is so much more important than the destination. That's what a human connection is all about.

In another episode, McCoy describes human connection as follows:

You see, I feel more sorry for you than I do for him. Because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man do. The ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances. The glorious failures, the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know simply because the word love isn't written in your book.

At the end of the episode, Chaya offers to share herself with Sheppard in the same way Orlin did with Carter. She tells her that they will know each other as well as anyone ever can. According to Orlin, this is a level of communication that shares their innermost essence. And Sheppard consents to this. They meld.

The thing is, this is what John Sheppard is desperately seeking. This connection to another, this wholehearted acceptance of everything that he is, including the darkness and pain and anger, and most of all his fear. Being so close to someone that they become a part of you. He used isolation to punish himself with because it's the thing that hurts him the most as he longs to love and to be loved so badly that he's willing to do anything to have it, even very dark deeds. So yes, he wants this. He wants this very much. But not with her. And not like this.

This is a cheat-code. This is hacking the process of forming a human connection. This is arriving at the finish line without having actually run the race. That's not a victory, it's meaningless. Yes, it does Sheppard a world of good to feel acceptance from someone. It does perhaps heal some parts of him. Especially feeling acceptance from someone who seems to be so very much like him. But Chaya Sar is not the love of his life and she never could be. Yes, she saved him but her own life was never in danger doing that. The gift that she gives him is not as precious as that which comes with true sacrifice and a conscious choice for him over and above all others.

So, he tells her "This is cool." Because that's what it is. It's a cool experience. He told her that he might visit her sometimes but we never see him return because once you've shared someone's innermost essence, what else is there left to learn about them? The pleasure is in the learning of each other. Learning about their childhood, their heroes, their likes, their dislikes, their allergies, their crushes, their exes, their sleeping habits and schedules, their favourite beverages, their fears, their anxieties, their dreams and nightmares, their family, their hobbies, their chess moves, their cultural background, even their password. Like Sheppard told her, he has a car he needs to get back by midnight. There's someone waiting for him back home. Someone who doesn't usually stay up as late as he does.

And from here, we move conveniently to an episode that has a lot to do with sleeping, and sleeping arrangements.

#stargate atlantis #sga #sga meta #john sheppard #sheppard is bi #rodney mckay #rodney is gay #ep. sanctuary

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baguettelord · 1 month

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Journeys in 2007

Y'all a friend of mine found some archived version of an old fanfic forum I was on in 2007 and I just need to share the entire EXPERIENCE that was re-reading fanfics I wrote at age 12.

I did not even have the internet at home until the year after, which means I was posting them from my school.

Come with me on this cringeful journey of Stargate Atlantis nerdism.

This response to a review: "thanx! ur mi 4th reviewer! u rok! i haven\'t red N E of urs, but i wil!" (seriously wtaf)

"we hat your guts"

"I never used to be a good person", she explained. (LMFAO??)

A scene with John spinning on a desk chair faster and faster while debating with Rodney and Radek whether the insane looking pink-afro super-powered terrible OC was attractive.

John getting shrunk by ancient tech, being sneezed on, washing the snot off in Ronon's glass of water, falling in tomato sauce, throwing crumbs at people.

In that same fic, trashing Weir's desk, running across Rodney's laptop keyboard writing swearwords while bored.

A spicy scene between Carson and the crazy OC character who had zero foundation of any kind of relationship or chemistry, but which was surprisingly one of the least cringe things my 12 year old brain came up with

Carson putting his hand over Rodney's mouth to shut him up and Rodney licking him - in the middle of a debriefing.

Going to a random planet in search of an unshrinking device for John, interrupting a wraith attack, helping an injured person lying in the road when a RANDOM man with crackhead NPC energy runs out of an alleyway, conks Carson on the head with a frypan, knocking him out and then runs off - and then the team including the smitten OC character leave unconscious Carson in the middle of the road to follow the sound of a crying baby????? WHAT ??? LOL???

"galleons of water"

Michael the wraith with mind reading abilities that can sense ancients for no explicable reason, and sensing that there's a romantic attachment between Carson and random OC. For no plot reasons whatsoever. It is never explained.

Pink hair OC then summonS GHOSTS TO FIGHT HIM? ?? ???

The ghosts kill him.

Then LUCIUS LAVIN APPEARS FROM BEHIND A TREE AND STARTS HITTING ON EVERYONE

There is no explanation for this - he is just there.

"I'm mentally linked to all nearby people with the ancient gene, so if I die, you all will die too." followed immediately by "SHOOT AT ME, ITS THE ONLY WAY" ????????????????????????????????what

This same character (pink haired OC) flying a puddle jumper directly up into the air, opening the hatch, backflipping out, landing on the roof of another puddle jumper and then remote detonating the original one in a kamikaze esque attack that somehow chain reactions into blowing up 5 hive ships.

Everyone fainting aLL THE TIME? Seriously I counted 5 people getting knocked out and at least a dozen faining from exhaustion / heat stroke / illness / etc. OVER FOUR FANFIC. JUST FOUR.

The worst part is that this is over 4 fics and is a REWRITE of the first ever fanfic I wrote. The original had an ABBA song for every chapter (I now cannot un-associate ABBA and Stargate Atlantis - thanks brain), the OC played the violin, could teleport, could turn into a horse sized hot pink space snow leopard that laid eggs, and also involved at some point a random series of inexplicable crossovers with Star Wars, Star Trek and Back To The Future. For no reason. Literally none.

I also wrote a couple of fic prompt / challenges which were kinda crazy

John wants to learn to surf and then Rodney gets captured by whales

Love triangle between Carson, Cadman and an OC.

Ancient device zaps everyone into being children and they have to travel the earth to meet up and figure out how to undo it.

I cry laughed tonight from this rediscovery. I have no idea what I was on at age 12 but apparently I thought it was a good time??

No wonder everyone thought I was weird LOL

#stargate atlantis #fanfiction #thank god the forum is defunct

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