#major hanji

[violetscanfly]

How to care for your scientist - a visual guide

[elmundodeflor]

Acuarelas - PARTE 1

Nunca había soñado con Hanji. Onyankopon solía decir que, las personas que se hacen bruma, en el inconsciente se vuelven carne. Y que allí, rebrotando de entre las grietas como margaritas, nos reencontramos. Que vienen a dejarnos un mensaje.

Le parecía injusto, entonces, que Hanji aún no se le hubiera aparecido, ni siquiera para saludarlo de lejos. Que sólo hubiese podido recordarla en pesadillas.

A veces la veía, cubierta en llamaradas rojas, cayendo y cayendo en un infinito del que no podía salvarla. El cielo azul se teñía de gris, empapado por el rastro de humo que dejaba su cuerpo, y él estiraba la mano, inútilmente, por las ventanillas del avión, como si eso sólo hubiera alcanzado.

Había otras noches, las más terribles, en las que las muertes se suscitaban: una tras otra, otra tras una. Las escenas se repetían, — como si de un ciclo eterno se tratase. Como si cada átomo de imagen hubiese quedado grabado tras las retinas, y al caer dormido alguien palpara esos rincones del alma que todavía ardían. Podía escuchar los desgarros de dolor en los tímpanos, los pedidos de auxilio estrujándole el corazón. Él también gritaba, lloraba, hacía fuerzas para respirar, pero los sonidos se le atascaban en las cuerdas vocales. Sólo salían en sollozos recortados cuando despertaba en su habitación.

–Ey. – Onyankopon lo sacude ahora, cuidadoso de no sobresaltarlo. Solía dormir en el cuarto de al lado, por si los alaridos y el sufrimiento se volvían demasiado, y hacía falta atenderlos o calmarlos.

Levi se restriega los ojos, y reconoce la humedad en sus mejillas de inmediato. Las lágrimas se desdibujan hasta las comisuras de sus labios, allí donde se pierden, como el cauce del río que desemboca en el mar.

–Mierda. – escupe entre dientes, y se estira para tomar del vaso de agua en su mesa de luz. – Es ese sueño de nuevo.

Onyankopon asiente. Ya lo sabe. En los tres años que lleva viviendo con Levi, ha llegado a conocerlo como quien conoce a su hermano. Está seguro de que el té le gusta a secas; sin azúcar, sin miel, a lo sumo con limón. Está al tanto, también, de cómo limpiar para no llevarse un coscorrón.

–Es Hanji, ¿no? – pregunta, aunque ya se ve venir la respuesta, y Levi no se lo dice. Esta vez, la tomaba de las mangas para tratar de detenerla. Y entonces, justo cuando creía que iba a hacerlo, que por fin iba a cambiar ese desenlace fatídico, atravesaba la tela de su camisa como si fuera aire.

–Llegué muy tarde. – susurra, casi inaudible. Tiene los músculos tiesos, entumecidos de la angustia. La mirada inconexa, perdida en algún punto del empapelado en la pared. Afuera, cerca de la playa, una tormenta repiquetea en las ventanas, salpica los vidrios con motas gordas.

–Tranquilo. – le asegura Onyankopon, sonriéndole desde la silla de junto al colchón. Registra, porque siempre ha sido un hombre de percepción, que las pesadillas florecen más en los días de lluvia; casi con la misma fuerza con la que suelen alzarse los tallos de entre la tierra. Se convence, porque otra opción no le queda, que los truenos deben de recordarle a Levi, tanto como le recuerdan a él, a los estruendos horrorosos de ese día. Tiene sentido, al fin y al cabo, se explica. Cada estallido es la pisada de otro titán que se acerca. Cada crujir, es el último suspiro de un alma nueva. – Vayamos a la cocina.

Levi lo contempla un segundo, sin ánimos de hablar o moverse. Todavía puede sentir a Hanji; diluyéndose a cuentagotas de entre sus dedos. Piensa que, si estuviera aquí, ella sabría qué hacer para apaciguar sus miedos. Adormecería los gritos con caricias suaves; le besaría el pelo, la frente, el espacio entre las cejas, y lo arrullaría con dulzura. Lo arroparía, firme entre sus brazos, y recitaría palabras de cuna para hacerlo soñar bonito.

–Está bien. – suspira, entonces, y, como puede, se incorpora sobre la cama. Lo cierto es que le duelen los huesos, aún lastimados por los años. Que le duele el pecho. Que le duelen ausencias. Que le duele todo. – Ya sabes dónde está el té.

Los viernes, Jean viene a casa a visitarlo. A veces, Armin es quien lo acompaña; otras son Connie, o Pieck, o Reiner.

Onyankopon prepara una merienda abundante para dos; bizcochos de avena y limón con un té apenas dulce. También se ocupa de dejar bien cortado el césped del patio; justo allí donde ambos se sientan a pintar por un rato.

Hace ya dos años que Jean enseña a Levi lo que sea que sabe de arte. Al principio, había sido Moblit, hacía ya mucho tiempo atrás. Luego él, después de la guerra y por pedido suyo, había decidido seguir y tomar el mando.

Era naturalmente bueno para pintar, Levi, decía Jean. Había comenzado con bosquejos desprolijos en un cuaderno, cuando las reuniones de Erwin lo aburrían más de la cuenta. En cambio, ahora, las líneas finas y garabatos acababan por transformarse en retratos reconocibles y concretos que decoraban la casa. Mike, Isabel, Farlan, Kuchel, Petra; todos tenían algún lugar. Todos sonreían detrás de los marcos.

–Algún día tengo que enseñarle a pintar con acuarelas. – insiste Jean, mordiendo el dorso del pincel, casi pensativo, antes de volver a remojarlo.

Levi chasquea la lengua, y lo mira durante una fracción de segundo. Lleva meses insistiendo con que no lo traten con honoríficos, o de “usted”, por lo menos, pero, realmente, no va a ensañárselas con eso ahora. En su lienzo, la figura de Hanji vuelve a aparecerse de entre las sombras, y, cree, entonces, que eso requiere de toda su atención. Incluso más que como puedan llamarlo o no los niños.

–De acuerdo. – acepta, al fin y al cabo, como quien no quiere la cosa, y su pincel se detiene un momento. Lo cierto es que la ha pintado ya demasiadas veces— más de las que uno es capaz de contar. Y es que tal vez Hanji no se le presente en sueños, pero puede verla en cada parpadeo, grabarla en cada exhalación y latido. Está igual de bella que cuando la perdió; allí, enmascarada en témperas. Tiene el cabello desprolijo, arremolinado en el viento. Su boca está torcida en una sonrisa a medias que apenas le achina los ojos.

Si quisiera, piensa, podría pintarla, también, incluso hasta con la vista ciega. Siendo sincero, la ha inmortalizado ya en su memoria demasiadas noches, cuando aún podía dormir a su lado. Sus manos, las yemas de sus dedos, han recorrido cada uno de sus recovecos; suave, cuidadosamente. Han atrapado bajo sus palmas el lunar junto a sus labios, — la expresión en sus pupilas—, cada minucioso retazo de ella.

–Dicen que pintar con acuarelas, es aprender el arte de dejar ir. – cuenta Jean, después de un rato en silencio. Afuera, en el claro en el jardín, la brisa cálida remueve las hojas de los árboles en un arrullo suave. Permite que el sol atraviese las copas verdes y frondosas, y los envuelva en un manto de ocres y dorados. – Creo que podría hacerle mucho bien, ¿sabe, Capitán?

Levi inspira hondo un segundo. No está muy seguro de quién pudo haber dicho eso, o con qué motivo habría sido, pero no va a ponerse a discutirlo ahora. Cuando comenzó a pintar, acababa de subir a la superficie, luego de años de ser preso de los subsuelos. Flores, las tazas bellas que veía en el mercado, había descubierto que, dibujando, comprendía mucho mejor el mundo que lo rodeaba. Que podía volver inmortal todo aquello que hiciera que su corazón saltara de alegría.

Los retratos llegaron después, con el correr de los meses, o de los años. Por alguna razón, Hanji era quien más se le desparramaba de entre las manos y volcaba en el papel. Había algo espontáneo en ella, — algo fugaz y efímero— que lo hacía querer pintarla, casi de manera inevitable. Tal vez, piensa ahora, era su risa. Alocada, terca, suelta y rebelde. Tal vez, también, era su esencia, — algo salvaje y arrollador, imposible de capturar por mucho tiempo.

Se echa hacia atrás, y, con nostalgia, contempla su trabajo casi terminado en el lienzo. Ahora que la ve, un sentimiento parecido a la angustia le hace agujeros en el pecho, — se le instala en el medio del corazón. Quisiera, por un momento nada más, que pintarla no le trajera este sufrimiento agigantado. Que tenerla de vuelta, aunque sólo fuera en recuerdos, lo hiciera sonreír, y no lo llenara de culpas pesadas, o de miedos infundados.

–Está bien. – contesta, entonces, y Jean lo mira esperanzado. Tiene que admitir que siente a Hanji en la frescura de las olas; entusiastas, e indomables. Que la ve en los cielos morados, o que puede acariciarla en el vaivén de los vientos. Lo que no puede, porque el alma aún le arde, es mencionarla delante de Gabi o de Falco. Soñarla sin despertar empapado de sudor.

“Pintar con acuarelas, es aprender el arte de dejar ir.”, las palabras de Jean resuenan en su cabeza, y se vuelve a verlo, alejándose del cuadro. Quiere que pensar en Hanji no lo ahogue en un dolor venenoso, que lo corroa por dentro. Que las pesadillas punzantes sean fantasías de algodón, livianas, en las que se reencuentran y pueden abrazarse de nuevo.

–Está bien. – repite, con la voz algo ronca, y Jean le sonríe. – Enséñame a pintar con acuarelas.

[lix-ables]

DON'T MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU — H . JISUNG ( TEXTS )

since ive started writing bfb hanji, i cant stop thinking about how pervy. clingy and needy he would be. and this is like how i imagine texts between bfb hanji + yn would go. (lil context - ji is a maJOR simp for yn, plays in a band (bass guitar), has various thoughts about yn) smut, mdni - sexting (kind of), drunk!jisung, etc etc.

©lix-ables, do not repost / translate.

taglist . 🥑 . @telesvng @starlostseungmin @chrisbahng @comet-falls @niijo @chvnnie @joonszn @cherryhanji @blueberry-chan @dnadoublefelixx @ethereallino @stuckwithaphobiaa @chewryy @bangchanbabygirlx @zizis-world12 @aimeexx @whatudowhennooneseesyou @nightlychans @americanokisses @katieraven @hwan-g @svintsandghosts @idek-at-thispoint @es-kay-zee @writerracha @lethallyprotected @lino-jagiyaa @zoiescastle @compersian @jilixcuddles @teaspeungmin @eulaenthusiast @chriscentric @iadorethemskz ( also asking y'all to kindly interact with the post !! thank you ‹3 )

[thedivineden]

pairing: Hange Zoë x Reader

genre: smut

words: 5k+

notes: thigh riding, strap-on, light stalking, manipulation, overstimulation, college students, oral sex

Hange has been watching you since you transferred to their small university. Your intellect is unparalleled and overlooked — you would always sit in the front quiet and beautiful, hange would watch your glossy lips whisper the answer while the professor is explaining. They would watch you in physics class, the dining hall, and even in the dorm communal bathroom.

The first two weeks they spent learning your schedule so they could cross your path at least once a day. Not too close but not too far. They learned your name, that you major in biochemistry, and that you obtained a full scholarship to this university due to a project you did on structural biology. Everything Hange learns about you, intrigues them even more.

It wasn’t until they were arriving to class early that they spot you disappear through the door. Hange creeps towards the slightly open door to listen in on the conversation. “Professor! I really need an extension this time” your tone is shiny and exaggerated as you hands slam on the instructors desk as your glossy lips form into pout. Hanji could see your game but they just want to see if the instructor could see it too.

Unfortunately, the instructor wasn’t hiding his attraction towards you, he is practically eye-fucking you and keep his attention on your low-cut top. “W-well you are my best student but if you’re having issues, I recommend you talk to your peers! Zoe also seems to be taking a while on this assignment, Maybe you two can help each other out?” He says all of this without looking in your eyes but you didn’t care. The only thing you were concerned with is getting that extension.

“Sooo can I turn it in next Monday?” He nods his head at your question and you thank him gleefully finding a seat directly in front of him to give him a full view of your exposed chest. Hange watches this whole ordeal not realizing the line of students waiting behind them. They open the door letting everyone in praying that no one sits next to you. Once the last person is in, Hanji eyes the open seat next to you quickly passing behind other students mumbling apologies. They look your way slightly and smile and you flash one back at them, Hange swears they could die in this moment and be happy with your sweet smile engrained in their memory. The one thing about you is that you never paid attention to those in your class. You were only concerned with your education and getting out of this small town.

However, this lesson is rather lackluster and you already reviewed the material two weeks ago. The instructor is no longer focused on your seduction so you were officially bored. You look around at your peers and turn to the brown haired individual next to you. There is nothing in particular that makes them stand out but you couldn’t help but notice how close they were to you. Your chair legs are entangled in each other and your legs is touching theirs.

If you couldn’t tease the professor you might as well entertain the stranger with no sense of personal space. Whispering to them “you’re awfully clingy” Hanji looks behind, beside, and even next to you just to make sure you were acknowledging them. You notice the blush spread across their face as they stutter on their words. Hanji couldn’t handle the proximity even if they purposefully positioned their chair close. “I-I can slide over if you want- Of course I’ll scoot over.” You grab one of the closest legs holding their chair in place before they attempt to move away.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind” You say this smooth and low looking at Hange under your long lashes. This sight alone excites them, you were the vision of perfection. You lovely brown skin paired with with your dark aesthetic intrigues and excites them. They lean in to whisper in your ear “I’m Hange but you can call me Zoe if you want..” you watch them side eye the professor who is still facing the board. “I can help you with anything you need like assignments or if you’re bored and want to hang out.” you giggle at the way their voice and leg shake when doing this action.

Hange is nervous and can’t conceal it but convinced themself that they said everything smooth and sultry. “Aaah so you’re the person professor was talking about. I actually could use your help. Are you free this week?” You flash your pearly whites at them putting your hands together to mock a praying motion, Hange shakes their head vigorously up and down.

Hange laughs at your notion and answers with an over-enthusiastic ‘yes’ which rewards a sequel of excitement from you. They didn’t care about the the amount of people grumbling and smacking their teeth at the both of you for disrupting the lecture. So many thoughts about you flick through their subconscious: ‘God they smell so good’ ‘they’re prettier up close’ ‘look how plump their lips are..god what I wouldn’t do-‘ the sound of you ripping a piece of paper snaps Hange out of their trance. They watches as you write a series of numbers on the piece of paper and slid it over to them once you’re done. They look at the series of numbers and practically jumps out their skin when they see your name and written below your number and name is a ‘call me <3’ message.

The rest of the lecture you would rub your leg against Hange and whether it be on purpose or accident they were loving it.

Hange is a mess once their out of class, you made them so nervous their palms were sweaty and their heart is still thumping after you’re gone. Throughout the day Hange kept checking their phone, every chance they got hoping, waiting, for you to text or call them. “Earth to Zoe?” They look up from their device and notice their friends gathering around the dining hall table. “We’ve been trying to get your attention forever, what’s got your attention?” Hanji obsession with you is nothing new but it has been a growing issue among their friends. “Uhh I got their number and I’m just waiting for them to text me back.” Levi is dumbstruck and Erwin is loudly congratulating their friend shooting off a string of questions.

Per usual, Levi being the voice of reason among the three of them “ Remind me why you like them again? As far as I’m concerned they have yet to even acknowledge you exist.” Hanji hates how perceptive and right the young man could be. “They’re really smart..sweet, funny. I feel like we’ll get along well. Answer this, why do you hate them so much?” Levi eyebrows furrow his brows at this question sighing he says “What I said cal out wrong..I just don’t want you getting in trouble. you know what people say about them.”

Hange sucks their teeth feeling frustration rise in them. They knew that Levi didn’t like you but it’s because he hasn’t had a chance to see what they see. He only knows what he hears about you. “They don’t actually do all the thing people say they do. It’s a small town, rumors spread.” Reiner looks between his two friends and notice the uncomfortable tension rising. “Alright!” Erwin exclaims clapping his hands together loudly “Hange, what Levi means to say is to be careful and we both care about you very much and want you to be safe.” He says this in a disgustingly cutesy tone that Levis scoffs at. He continues to eat his lunch in silence while Erwin probes Hange about the interaction.

They were the last to leave to lunch table, between Levis attitude and Erwins persistence the young person is more excited to go back to their dorm and sleep. However, a series of dings from their phone has them fumbling to take it out their pocket dropping it on the floor. Several curses fall out their mouth as they pick up their device and unlocking it. Their heart skips a beat when they read the array of text you sent.

Reader

3:30pm | If you want to get together today around five that would be great!

3:30pm | Oh I’m so rude, hey! I should’ve said that first.

3:31pm | even if you don’t want to get together today that’s also fine!

3:31pm | I should’ve sent that all in one text I’m so sorry

Hange didn’t waste any time with responding to you , telling you it’s okay for you to text them like that and they would love to meet you at five. You respond immediately telling them you’d be in the back of the library. The tiredness that was previously consuming them seems to disappear at the chance of being near you again. Instead on focusing on the lecture Hanges mind is overcome with thoughts of you. Specifically, what you two could possibly study for? You two were the top two students at this university and practically aced everything that came your way. So why had you asked Hange to help you? All of those thoughts disappeared when they arrived to class, setting their items down to pick up a lab coat and safety goggles.

For the next hour and thirty minutes the love struck Hange disappears as they focus on cadaver assigned to them. They don’t even realize their running late to meet you until their professor had turned off the light in the hall which is a usual interaction whenever the absent minded individual is engrossed with their work. Quickly putting up all their materials and storing the body again, Hange makes sure everything is pristine once more before grabbing their phone. The time reads 6:30 and under that is a long stream of text from you and Erwin. They don’t even read your texts and decide to call you. The phone rings for a second before the automated messaging machine starts recite the computerized script.

‘How did I mess it up before it even started’ exiting the class speed walking to the library, they push past the heavy glass doors fingers tapping away on their phone feverishly:

Hange

6:38 pm | Hey! I’m so so sorry! I was in class and I lost track of time. Hopefully you’re still there

It takes approximately 10 minutes to get to the library from the science building. Maybe they should shop you anything text?

Hange

6:40pm | Hey, sorry. Me again! I’m on the way from the science building so it’ll take me 10 minutes. I also called but it went straight to voicemail.

Both texts are read by you at 6:45 pm and you don’t text them back until they’re behind you in the library shooting off apologies and trying to catch their breath. “Uhm. Did you run here?” a puzzled look falls on your face taking note of how Hange white button up is messily untucked from their slacks and their brown hair sticking to the sides their face with sweat. They breath in sharply, ripping the chair beside you from under the table. They take a seat beside you, legs spread in your direction, slowly nodding their head at your statement.

“I’m so sorry! I got caught up in anatomy and did I say I was sorry? I was experimenting with reproductive cloning on a human which I know is unethical and I’ve heard the lecture but I think it’ll be beneficial in the future! I would clone you! Not in a creepy way! Just to-“ Hange didn’t even realize they were rambling until they hear you roar with laughter “God you should see yourself! It’s really no big deal, it’s hot how committed you are and I would want you to clone me.” You hand rest on their leg which only increases the blush already present across their face.

“I would love to hear more about it later but I really have to get going.” a sharp pain pierces their chest..and it’s definitely not because of the running. ‘Are you upset that they were late or do you really have something to do’ the silence from the individual beside you made the situation awkward and that’s the last thing you want. You gather your items and stuff them in your tote — sliding your chair back you place your hand on Hange inner thigh giving them a reassuring smile before planting a small peck on their sweaty cheek. The feeling of your lips touching their cheek makes them go into shock. You flash a small smile at them before getting up and disappearing from their sight.

Hange sighs and wipes the sweat dripping down the forehead. ‘I’m never washing my cheek’ they thought to themselves before getting up and exiting the library and heading towards their dorm. They’re unexpectedly greeted by Erwin and Levi sitting on their floor oddly close drinking beers. Beers from Hanges stash might they add.. “Why are you guys in here and how did you even get in here?” they jump away from each other taking a drink from their beers.

Erwin clears his throat “We want-“ Levi is quick to correct “ERWIN wants to know how your little study session went with the cheater” Hange is quick to snatch the beer from him and furrow their brows. “First, how many of these have you two had? Second, they’re not a cheater. I’ve never even seen them talk to anyone so how could they possibly be cheating? Not to mention they’re top of our class” Erwin finishes his bottle standing up and gripping their friend shoulders. “Don’t listen to him. He’s just mad about his new roommate being a slob, how did it go?”

Hange could hear the young man grumble about the various complaints he’s made because of how filthy he is. “W- I came late and they had to leave..but I did say I would clone them and they said I could!” the grip around their shoulders disappears as their friend gives them a reassuring smile and nod. “Well that’s definitely something..there’s always another time?” Hange knew exactly when they would ask you. Around two-twenty in the morning you go to the communal and at exactly two-nineteen they were coming out of the stall to wash their hands.

A sleepy you in a silk bonnet and shorts pajama set shuffles into the bathroom right on time. They rip a piece of paper towel loudly snapping your attention in their direction. “Oh my!! Zoe! We live in the same dorm?! Since when?” Hange finds it cute that you never noticed them in the bathroom with you. They like that you’re oblivious to their pursuit. Feigning sleepiness they respond “I’ve been here since the fall, yeah I don’t know how we never noticed each other”.

Seeing them put together is one thing but at night is different. They’re standing in front of you with their hair down in an oversized white teeshirt , long blue pajama pants, and dinosaur slippers? You giggle at their choice of footwear “I like you slippers. Very cute.” You smile at them not caring about them slowly closing the gap between you two. They reach for your waist pulling you closer and you immediately laugh pushing them away rushing to a stall.

“Keep it in your pants Zoe now leave so I can pee.” Hange laughs at you leaving the bathroom with a final statement “Have a night darling”.

Now that you are aware of their presence you can’t help but search for them during dorm activities, meetings, and even at two-twenty in the morning when you have to pee. Hange knew better than to keep the same routine they had with you before. However, they made sure to keep you on your toes deciding to no long appear at night anymore. You just weren’t ready for that yet.

For the next two days Hange didn’t hear from you and they aren’t second to you for no reason. They preferred to not have to deal with the responsibility and speech that comes with being valedictorian. Wanting to uphold their salutatorian title for the next two days they were nose deep in school work and projects. The third day you two have class together and they made sure sit in the exact same seat as last time. A gaggle of students stagger in taking their seats eyeing hange satchel is taking the seat to their left.

They didn’t care about the amount of nasty stares they were getting. This seat is for you.

You didn’t show for the first part of lecture and as time went on it didn’t look like you were showing up for the second part either. Hange waited patiently the whole hour and forty-five minute lecture for you to show but you never did. The first thing they did when class is over is text you. Not without thinking of the obvious desperation they would give off but what if something actually is wrong? ‘Something simple will do’

Hange

12:00PM | Hey! Sorry for texting you so early but you didn’t show up for class and I just wanted to make sure everything is okay?

Hange waited a while just to see that little grey bubble pop up and when it did their heart flutters. ‘Clearly they just overslept or something’ they wait and wait for the message to come through only to see the chat bubble disappear. For once, the young individual is irritated with you. How dare you read their message and not respond? What could be so important that you can’t shoot them a text?

Stepping outside of their lecture hall their met with the sight of you. Sitting about 10 feet away from there, adorned in black and pink from head to toe. The sight of you, standing there in a mini skirt almost makes Hanjis nose bleed. Your hair is braided today but instead of your usual you seem to have added a pink braided skunk strip. This makes them want to pounce on you even more. The sound of their phone ding breaks their concentration unlocking their phone they could see your one word response

Reader

12:05PM | Outside!

Hange laughs at the text and calls your name out to get your attention. You whip your head around flashing them a heart stopping smile, standing up meeting them halfway. “Hey! I was trying to make it to class but I was up late doing my hair. Are you free? I was wondering if we could get an afternoon session in” They just shook their head eagerly at your question and before they knew it you were grabbing their hand and dragging them towards your shared dorm building.

During the walk your hands remained intertwined as the two of you swap information and stories about one another. The more you two talk the closer you two got and the closer you two became, the tension kept rising. Hange could feel their palms sweating as the slew of thoughts consume their mind. ‘Are we going to their room?’ ‘Will we go to mine?’ ‘Are we just going to study?’ ‘God they smell so good’ ‘ they’re so pretty’

Scanning your ID at the door and walking past the front counter you could hear Erwin attempt to quietly congratulate hange as you two disappeared behind the double doors to your hall. You suddenly stop at the beginning of the hall and look at hange, “So your room or mine?” the plan is set and you’re laying the bait. “We can go to mine, my roommate practically lives in her girlfriends room.” You laugh at their statement “wait who’s your roommate?” Hange walks you down the hall “Ymir but you probably haven’t met her yet. She’s always traveling with the lacrosse team and when she is here, again, she’s in her girlfriend Krista room” you two finally reach the end of the hall where they pull their ID without letting go of you hand to unlock the door.

“Please don’t be freaked out when we get in” they say pushing the door open letting you in first. “Why would I fre-“ stepping into hange’s room is like stepping into a morgue. There’s a shelf across you adorned with jars filled with mystery parts, a skeleton next to their desk that has plastic eyeballs glued in it, and multiple tapestry that either display different female anatomy. “Oh..this is nicee?” Hange burst out in a fit of laughter “You don’t have to lie! Trust me.” They come up behind you placing a hand on the small of your back to lead you to the jars.

“It’s a prosthetic in gelatin, I’m not a manic. Just a person in enthralled with human anatomy.” The tension between you two is suffocating but you have to stay focused. “I forgot my stuff, can I send you my paper and we do it on your computer?” Hange didn’t even think about asking you to go back to your room to get your things because they want to have you in their space as long as they can. Pulling out their desk chair sitting down they open their computer“Of course, let me give you my email” during this process their eyes were trained on you so you decide to give them what they want.

I can just type mine in for you and without warning you sit in their lap. Hange is baffled by your boldness but the feeling of your plush ass on them makes the shock go away. “Um- I can do it for you-, you don’t have to” You shift around on their lap causing your skirt to rise up and expose your thong. “Don’t worry, we’ll get it done faster this way” you pull down your skirt but continue to slightly shuffle in the hanjis lap. The heat between you two is intensifying gradually feeling their slender fingers trail up both your thighs slowly eventually finding their place on your hips. Moving you to their right slightly puts you on their thigh. A low voice emanates from behind you “since you want to squirm so much, use my thigh to get off”

A spark goes through your body as your start to grind slowly on their lap. Their hands remain on your lap assisting your hip movement even adding their own tempo to tease you. The moment you take your hands off the keyboard the grip on their hips tighten holding you in place. “You need to do you work, I don’t want to be a distraction” you start to whine and try to move your hips “if I do my work will you keep going?” Hange is mesmerized at the way you’re acting, they usually see you in a quiet state but lately you’ve been downright filthy and they were loving it.

“Yeah beautiful, I’ll keep going”

So that’s exactly what you did — sending your paper to their email downloading it and starting to type it out and make your edits. Once you become engrossed in your work is when hanji starts to move your hips. The grip that held you in place is now knead at them slowly. Everything they were doing is pure bliss. You can feel the throbbing between your thighs making it harder for you to concentrate. You desperately whisper out their name accidentally messing up your edit. They lift their thigh up harshly making you hole throb in response and a sweet moan to escape your plump lips. “Valedictorian shouldn’t be messing up their edits.” You sneer at their statement which makes hange snap their thigh up again.

“Don’t get an attitude with me, you were the one grinding on my lap. This is what you wanted right?” You never imagined for them to be so harsh but it is making you want to fuck them even more. “Hange you’re being meannn” you sound winded and your legs are shaking as hange picks up speed and starts bouncing their leg. Your moans start to become rhythmic as you try to quicken your release. Hanji didn’t mind, they like seeing you desperate and sloppy because of them. Conservatism has long left your body and your skirt is on your hips and your top is below your chest. Hange has been bouncing you on their thigh commanding you to keep going as the lick two fingers on each hand grabbing your nipples with their saliva covered fingers.

The slimy sensation perks your nipples allowing hanji to massage and tease your puffy brown nipples as your climax edges closer. A string of curses and repetition of Hanjis name signals them to pull your nipples releasing the tension between your supple thighs. Your legs are shaking beneath you prompting the unholy grip on the mahogany desk in front of you. Hange laughs at your current state “can’t handle it?” Although they are extremely cute you want to crush their cockiness. “Please! you aren’t the first to make me cum, get over yourself”

This made their blood boil. “Fine, let’s try something else” they grab you by your arm leading you to their bed. “Get up there, take your thong off and lay on the edge.” You don’t know why but you obey every command and wait as they move their desk chair to the edge of the bed. “Put your legs over my shoulders babe”your movements were slow but confident, you knew what you wanted but you nervous of the outcome. Now here you were, spread in front of Hange Zoë waiting for them to finish inspecting you in between your thighs. Embarrassment is increasing every passing minute they continue to stare and not say anything. “I can leave, if you’re just going to judge”

A puzzled look spreads across their face, “darling, I was merely appreciating you but since you’re so impatient” you can feel their tongue stride along your throbbing heat the sensation made the wait worth it. The feeling of their mouth devouring you reminds you of a demon trying to take someone’s soul. “Hange~ slow down, please” they only hummed in response swirling their tongue around your aching arousal earning a whiny moan from you. Their pace is patterned — slow then they go deep, picking up the pace before sloppily sucking to the top of your pulsating mound. The air is thick, your braids are sticking to your body, and you can feel your release coming soon.

Hange is abusing your flesh at a relentless pace the tightness below finally snaps ruining the edge of Hange’s sheets and the floor below. They life their head up greeting you with a overzealous grin. “I bet not everyone makes you do this” a tired laugh escapes your lips “For someone who can’t ask me on a date you have a lot of mouth”. Their face becomes red instantly resulting in them scooting the chair away from you and tuning around. “Let’s try something else, think you’re up for it?” Your silence is deafening and Hange knew this is the part where you would leave after getting head. “If it’s with you, I’m up for anything.”

Opening their desk drawer they pull out a medium sized velvet box with a devilish smirk. They turn around and reveal a dildo. “You ever been strapped before?” Hange insist on trying doggy for your first time and promises “to use an adequate amount of lube even though you have been prepared” you roll eyes when they add the last part but they were extremely gentle and sweet throughout the whole process. The feeling of the rubber tip at your entrance snaps you from your trance, hanji teases your slick entrance slightly with one hand on your hip while one slides the head in slowly and working the rest in with it. “Are you okay love?” You moan in response as the shaft slides in slowly jerking back in response.

“Go faster Hanji” Your breathy moan commanding them provokes urgency within Hange. You feel their hand grab a handful of your braids pulling you back forcing an arch. “Don’t forget you asked for it babe” Hange hips start to thrust at lighting speed using your hair as leverage to angle their body to hit your sweet spot. “God! You’re so fucking beautiful like this. I’ve wanted you for so long!” Hange kept spewing different confessions while mercilessly pound into you. “I’ve known about us living near eachother since you moved in! I want-no. NEED to have you”

“HANGE!! Stop tal-king” your voice cracks saying this and hanji see your body go limp as you release on the bed. You didn’t have a chance to process what the young person had said but when you did you were up and putting you clothes on. “He- Wait, Where are you going?” “I have mountains worth of homework to do, you didn’t expect me to have sex with you all day?” You laugh at the thought and take the time to decide whether you were going to put your fishnets back. The lack of underwear makes it difficult — you didn’t even hear hanji shuffle out of bed over to you wrapping their arms around you, moving your hair to the side they burying their head in the crook of you neck and say “If I do your homework..will you stay with me today”

A sly grin spread across your face and disappears as you turn around to face them. “That’s too much! I couldn’t expect you to do that” their eyes light up at the chance of you saying yes. “It would be my pleasure!” you didn’t think it would be this easy to get the salutatorian to do your homework but if all you had to do is have bomb sex who were you to block a blessing?

“Thank you Hange” you say sweetly placing a kiss on their sweaty cheek.

[stuckinthesun]

Reincarnation — Part 4

Series Masterlist

Warning: angst, ‼️major S4 P3 P1 spoilers‼️

After that first day the two of you bought each other’s drinks, it became a sort of routine. Anytime you guys ended up at the coffee shop together, you would buy Levi his tea, and he would buy you your drink.

Eventually you introduced yourself, and finally you could call him by his name without sounding like a stalker.

It was as close to normal as you could hope for.

Sasha still seemed worried about you, even if you started bringing home muffins for her. She was convinced this could only lead to heartbreak, but you reassured her. Even though you still loved Levi, you didn’t plan to pursue him. It would just be too hard to have the memories while he didn’t.

You just wanted him in your life. That’s all.

One morning as you got closer to the familiar coffee shop, you spotted Levi heading over. You smiled at the sight of his grumpy face and raised your hand to wave when you noticed he wasn’t alone.

The person next to him was taller than him, with brown hair styled in a ponytail, and wide glasses framed their face. You’re heart stopped and your eyes widened as you instantly recognized them.

Hanji Zoe.

Tears threatened to fall as you remembered their sacrifice, the way they fought to make sure the rest of you could continue on to stop Eren.

To save humanity.

You remember yours and Sasha’s theory in that moment, that if you died in that life… then-

“Y/N?!” A voice you thought you’d never hear again screeched.

You’re broken from your memory fog and look up to see Hanji staring at you with wild eyes. You’re surprised to see hesitation in them as they stay rooted in place.

A sob break from deep within your chest, “Hanji?”

Apparently that was all the confirmation Hanji needed because they instantly broke out into a run, before bulldozing you over in an attempt to hug you.

“Ohmygod you remember! What happened?! Did you die? Why? Oh it’s so good to see you! Do you know anyone else from that life?!” Hanji let of rapid fire questions as you both laid in a lump on the ground.

You didn’t care about the pain in your tailbone, or the crowd of people giving you guys strange looks, or their loud voice directly in your ear. You just hugged Hanji back as tightly as you could and silently cried, “I missed you too,”

“So everything you said is true, four eyes?” A deep voice said from above you and Hanji, startling you.

You gasped and looked up, seeing Levi looking at the two of you with a frown. You completely forgot about him, so caught up in seeing Hanji again and the fact that they remember.

“You doubted me?!” Hanji huffed, standing up before helping you up, “Yes it’s true! It’s not my fault your ass is indestructible!”

Levi gave Hanji an unimpressed looked before turning his gaze to you. His eyes scanned your form, like the second time you met in this life, and you wiped the tears off your cheeks in embarrassment.

Suddenly the raven was stepping closer to you, getting almost nose to nose, before asking two questions that made your veins turn to ice.

“So tell me, did you know who I was this whole time? Were we really together in that so called “other life”?”

Taglist – let me know if you want to be added

{ @haze-hh @laraackerman @megumimind @ajmiila02 @lovolee3 @sujiroses @galactict3a @worldseer @i-mpurr @heartstealer-law }

[loveackermannn]

☰ TAKE YOU BY THE HAND. –.ೃ࿐ 𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧.

(*IMPORTANT; implied mentions of sex !!*)

the days before levi goes on a mission, he's a lot more clingy than usual but of course he would try not to be obvious around others – though, coming from the constant pokes and whispers from hanji and erwin, they could see right through him.

the way he shows this, is whenever the two of you are out doing your duties in the halls or even just roaming around the mess hall, he'll find any excuse to be near you. being right by your presence is enough for him to be relieved of his anxieties and pent up stress. hearing your voice talk about the most mundane of things from something as simple as what happened in your day to your stupid jokes that never failed to light up a room. to see your smile outcast the rest of the world by the beauty that is you, to feel your love radiate internally and externally and to know that it's all reserved for him is a deep reminder that he will do anything to come back home to you again. you are his home.

he loves linking his pinky with yours in moments that spared for the two of you to be alone together (he'll even sneak it in the mess hall during meal times under the table). the soft glances towards your direction whenever you manage to cross paths in the dimly lit hallways, paperwork filling both of your hands. the small gesture of taking up the majority of the paper from your load as if he didn't have another stack awaiting for him in his office, he didn't mind one bit.

what couldn't be done or said during the day, was reserved for the late evenings in which the two of you expressed your love in your shared bedroom, passion flooding through the four walls so much so that it could burst. the exchange of 'i love yous' could no longer be contained by him and he needed you to know that every word that spilled from his lips were said deep within his heart and soul.

"i love you. god, i love you."

and the way your body molded perfectly with his and how your lips naturally connected with his like magnets. he'll never get over how sweetly you tasted and he could honestly just live off the entirety of you for the rest of his life. nothing else mattered to him in this moment – you were his sun and he was your moon, you were the sky and he'd give you the stars.

for now, he could just be levi.

☆ — 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @luvjiro , @youre-ackermine , @lovolee3 , @notgoodforlife , @averysmolbear , @bejewelledd , @leviismybby , @evas-leslas , @roseofdarknessblog @cometlevi , @21aurora (! ! 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐠𝐨 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐛𝐨𝐱 𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐝💌)

[v--143]

< Unexpected > (ghost pt.3!)

[Lee! Felix, Han]

[Ler! Ghost]

———————————————————————————

“Yongbokaah!” Han yelled out as he walked towards Felix’s room. It was almost time for them to leave to an annual carnival held in Seoul. Since it always had all sorts of games and things to do, Jilix saw no reason not to go each year. Although, Felix seemed to be taking forever to get ready.

“Yongbok?” Han asked out loud, no answer. He knocked once and then strode into Lix’s room without its owner. He checked around and saw no trace of him, except the closet door that was slightly ajar. Out of pure curiosity, Hanji decided to open it up.

A gush of wind hit him quickly, causing his thin shirt to swivel around his torso and his hair to go in all directions. His face distorted into a confused and scared look as he stepped back from the closet to find the source of the wind, but was instead met with even more confusion.

“What the hell..” he said as he stared into the closet with seemingly just clothes and random accessories, “…hello?”

*grumble*

Goosebumps rose on Han’s arms as he bolted to close the door. He had no idea what that noise was.. and he didn’t plan on finding out. Although, he did stand outside of the closet door for a good minute or two more before finally leaving it alone. When he stepped back though, he felt as if two tasers jolted him on both his sides.

“Ah!” Han yelped as he quickly turned around to see nothing behind him. Now he had his arms wrapped around his waist, face twisted into a nervous look as he spun slowly to check his surroundings.

*This is Yongbok’s room. There’s nothing in here*

Han thought this but knew deep down that he was slowly getting more and more afraid of whatever he caused by opening that closet door. His fear rose a notch when short and precise gusts of wind began to pass over his thighs and neck like a fish grazing the water. He began slapping at the spots where the wind hit whole stepping around Felix’s room, but it lightly continued.

“Stop- ah- what the shihit!” he said as he put one hand around his neck and slapped his thighs with the other. The winds slowed down but he was still too frantic to calm down even a bit. Where even was Felix in a situation like this?!

*It doesn’t hurt.. why does it feel weird? Where’s the wind coming from?!*

Han’s curiosity grew more and more the longer he had to bear with the light sensations, but his impatience grew too. He chose to stop messing around with air and go find Felix, his original plan before the closet messed it up. Until, of course, his hair began to become dismantled by the wind.

“Hey-!” Han said as he tried to use both his hands to flatten his hair back down. With a burst of energy, he leapt off the floor and to the door of Lix’s room, swinging it open instantly and throwing himself out.

“…Jisung?”

“Hhh.. hey Lihix” Han replied from the floor to a concerned Felix.

“I was just in the bathroom, are you okay? Are we still going to the carnival?”

Hanji nodded up at Felix with a smile, “I’m good, couldn’t find you.”

“So why are you on.. the floor” Lix giggled.

“Fell.”

Lix shrugged, “idiot” he said laughing as he walked back into his room, no wind to be seen or felt.

Han got up and walked in the opposite direction. He knew there had to have been something in there but he really wasn’t in the mood to find out what. While it was annoying, it wasn’t painful.. it was kind of playful if anything.

He felt a tickle on his neck before going out to the car.

-

The lights were big and bright as Han and Felix stepped into the carnival’s crowd. There were large games lining the outside and food stands closer in. It was dark already since they took forever to actually leave the house, so they both decided to buy a quick snack before continuing onto the games.

“This is so” Han chewed, “good!” He had already forgotten a majority of the events back at home.

“Quesadillas never fail” Felix said as he bit into the last of his own quesadilla.

“Where should we go first?” Han asked.

“Hmmm,” Lix got up to throw away their plates, “yknow what I heard got upgraded since last time?”

“Hm?”

“Mirror maze” Felix smirked.

“Oh no. No no no, you know how nervous I get with all that ‘getting lost’ shit. Nuh uh”

“Come on it’ll be fun! You technically won’t be lost, we’ll still be in the same building under the same roof”

Han thought about it as Felix continued to give him reason to go. The idea of being surrounded by tons of images of himself in small spaces… not to mention the whole thing is one huge maze.. none of it sounded appealing.

“-and if you win by making it out, I’m pretty sure the prize is a huge hamster plushie” Felix ended.

“The prize is a what?!?!!!” Han stood up and dusted his jeans off from the dusty festival bleachers before saying, “Let’s go.”

-

The building was much larger than Han expected it to be. Big red letters read ‘Mirror Maze’ at the top, he felt like an ant just standing in front of the doors. There weren’t many people adamant on giving it a try, most likely terrified from the sheer size of the damn thing!

“Two please” Felix told the maze’s guard as he wrote down their names.

“Fifteen minutes for the both of you,” the guard began, “you get out, you win a prize. You don’t, a light trail will shine from the ceiling and guide you the right way out. Good luck.”

And they were off.

Upon stepping through the curtain-like doors, Han grabbed tightly onto Felix’s arm.

“Ow” Lix complained.

“I’m nervoheheoussss Yongboook~” Han began to whine.

“Shhhh shh you’ll be fine”

They walked slowly through the maze with both their arms out to feel at the mirrors. The ceiling was pitch black, giving the area a dark and every feel even with the lights on.

“No.. no…” Han took another right turn, “no…” and another one, “still no…” he crashed into a mirror, “ow.. no..”

“We aren’t getting anywhere. Look, we’ve wasted 3 minutes already. I’m gonna go another way while you stay in this area and try to find the way ou-“

“Are you insane?!” Han interrupted, “Leave me by myself?!! No. I refuse. You’re staying right he-“

Felix bolted from Han’s side down an open path in the maze. He had been eyeing it ever since he began to plan out a way to leave Han by himself. While he did crash into a few mirrors here and there, Lix successfully got to a whole other side of the maze, leaving Han staring at him from the other end.

“What.” Han said, a bit baffled at the younger’s quickness, “why!! Whyhy me!” The nervous giggles began.

“My plan will work! Just try to find the way out. By working in two different areas, we have a higher chance of actually making it out of here-!”

*grumble*

Goosebumps. Han’s arms, legs, entire body exploded with them. It was that sound again from Felix’s room that he had heard earlier in the day, almost entirely forgotten.

“Yongbok. Yongbok. Felix..!” Han tried to desperately get the younger’s attention without being too loud. He had no idea how this windy thing worked, it was never bad to be too cautious.

*grumble*

It was closer now, Han felt it. But not closer to him.

To Felix.

“Lix. Lix! LIX!!!” Han whisper screamed in his direction to no avail. The glass made his voice echo and all muffled, but he knew he saw gusts moving towards Felix, especially after his clothes began to lightly ripple.

Han grabbed his hair with both hands as he stared at his member. Sure, the thing didn’t hurt him back at home, but who knows what thing was here now. Was it evil? Could it hurt them? Would it hurt them?! He kept calling out to Felix as loud as his shaky voice would allow it.. until he finally heard.

“Yes Jisung?”

“I- the-“ Han couldn’t breathe.

“Hm?” Felix tilted his head as Han saw the wind behind him quickly glide over to where Lix was standing in a matter of seconds.

“YongbokAH!!”

Lix was lifted roughly off the ground. The ceiling above them wasn’t too tall since it was a mirror maze, but tall enough to where if he was dropped, it wouldn’t feel very nice.

“Help!! Somebody, please!!!” Han began to look around the maze with near tears in his eyes, “Please please someone! Guards!! My frie-“

Felix screamed.

Han turned around with his fists clenched ready to see something that would surely scar him for life. But-

“AAHaha stOHOP!! Stop stohop PLEHEASE!!”

Felix had his back flat on the ceiling as if it were glued down while something that seemed like ghostly hands were grabbing and prodding at him. It wasn’t hurting him.. it was tickling him.

“STOHOP not thehere!! We wehent OVER THI- AHAHAA” Felix’s laughter echoed throughout the maze as his body was taken off the ceiling and let down onto the floor only for the hands to continue their attack.

“Quihit it!! Stop pLEHEASE!! No no- noho not- NOT myhy WAIST!!!”

Saying Han was confused would’ve been an understatement. He just stared at Felix clawing and swatting at the air with all his might. It was clear that something was digging into his sides and waist, although he had no idea what. Though.. he did look happy rolling around the little space he had to try and avoid the tickles. His laughter was something Han hadn’t heard be so prominent in a while.

His laughter began to slow down, along with the hands.

“Yohou~” Felix began speaking to what seemed like the wind, “you cheheheated.. we said nohot- not me!”

*grumble* “hah”

“What the hell…” Han was frozen in place as he looked down at Felix who was now lying on the floor clutching his sides and stomach, “Yongbok. Explain, now.”

Felix breathed heavily, “I mahade a companion”.

“That’s all you have to say?! What the hell is it?? Is it real, a ghost, a spirit, what?! Felix, do you understand how damn confused I am right-“

The wind left Felix’s side.

“Shit shit shit where’d it go?!” Han said frantically.

Felix breathed normal now, “didn’t you hear me say.. it cheated?”

“Yes” Han said paying little attention since he was searching for the wind, “what about it?!”

Felix chuckled. “Well, it did cheat. It went for me first instead. Silly ghost”

Han paused.

“You.. is that why.. you brought me?!”

“Bingo” Felix smirked, “you may wanna run.”

Han felt a gust at his ankles.

“No!!” He screamed as he turned to run only to be met with another glass wall.

“Shit shihit!!!” Nervous giggles began building up in his throat as he tried to run through the maze the best he could, which ultimately led him to running into multiple mirrors instead. Small screams left his mouth the more glass he ran into.

“It’s a good thing you’re not ticklish Hanji! Oh wait..” Felix teased from the other side of the maze. Han’s nervousness took a whole new level.

“Tell ihit to stohp!! Get it awahay!!!” Han begged Felix. All he earned back was a laugh and another grumble.

*Yes!* Han thought as he seemed to have found a longer pathway down the maze.

“You better run… it’s behind you.”

With that, Han bolted down the narrow passage, seeing his reflection running alongside him the entire time. It only took about 4 seconds of running for him to crash into another mirror. Luckily, his hands were outstretched in front of him, so the impact wasn’t awful. Although..

*grumble*

Han looked up from his now sitting position with his knees to his chest. While he couldn’t see anything, he could damn well feel it.

“Ohoff get ohff!! Aahhh!” Han swatted at the air as he felt one hand place itself around his neck.

Two on his upper and inner thighs.

One on his waist.

One on his ribcage.

“Yohongbok.. tell ihit to get off. Nohow” Han tried to sound angry but the giggles that slipped out didn’t help at all.

Two small white orbs stood above him, staring down at his small figure.

“Plehease d~ dohaha! Wahait stahp ehhahaehe!” The hand wrapped around Han’s neck began to scribble its fingers on it. Little movements were enough for Hanji to squirm his neck side to side as a trail of sweet giggles flowed out his mouth. Felix was cooing at him from the opposite side of the maze.

“Hehahewahait plehease- PLEHEASE OHOH MYGOAHAHAHA”

Han screamed when all the other hands placed on his body began to move without warning. It wasn’t light movements either, they elicited the loudest of noises from the boy. He was barely able to form words.

“AAHAHAHA SHIAHAHA!!!! PLAHAHAHAEAHA” He stood as his knees threatened to buckle and slammed his back onto one of the mirrors. He shook over and over but the hands didn’t stop.

“GEAHAHAHA AHAhahagaHA WHAYAHAHA!!” He slid down the mirror and began kicking at the small space around him, rolling over the floor continuously slamming his hands on the ground in a frustrated bliss.

“NO NOAAHA!!” The hands focused in on his thighs. It got bad when they squeezed just above his knee and tickled the inside top of his thighs. The poor boy could barely take it without tears shooting out his eyes.

“PLEhease please please!!!!” Han begged, “slohow down ahahaeha!!”

Nails seemed to drag up and down his skin. Not only on his thighs, everywhere. Desperate was an understatement as his sensitive body began to writhe and shake when the nails scribbled in more ticklish areas.

“I Cahahn’t I CAHAHEHA” he attempted to stand but fell after his waist was squeezed.

“PLEHAHAHA” one of his arms was held up as a hand tickled the underside of it until he screamed.

“NOAHAHA WAIT WAIHIT!!” he was flipped onto his stomach with his shirt lifted up as nails and what felt like feathers glided all over his back and shoulder blades.

Han felt high. High off laughter and adrenaline. High off the fact that he knew he couldn’t escape but also that he wasn’t in any danger. In the midst of him flinging himself onto the mirrors surrounding him, Han saw his reflection.

His face looked so… satisfied. His eyes crinkled as his perfect teeth were on full display whenever he laughed out loud. His arms wrapped around his stomach as his legs kicked out and folded in on themselves, both shaking and tingly. He only really focused on his reflection for a second or two, but it was enough for him to hiccup even more joyous laughter than before. It echoed throughout the entirety of the maze for who knows how long. Long, loud gulps of “HAHAHEA”’s continued to spill out his mouth. He felt like he was flying.

And he was.

After wiping his teary eyes, Han was able to see that he was levitated a bit up off the ground by a foot or two. The attacks continued as he hung suspended in thin air until a loud voice recording echoed “2 Minutes Remaining”.

“Aha.. ahehahaha..!” Han continued pouring out laughter even while he wasn’t touched. He felt a tug on his hand as his body glided steadily through the air. The ghost seemed to be leading him.. to the exit? He only closed his eyes and allowed his body to float to wherever he was being taken, then opening his eyes after one minute to see the exit before him.

“Yehes!!” Han exclaimed. Now all he had to do was make it on over the finish line..

But not after his neck was crooned to the side and a large “mouth”-like feeling bit down on it.

“Wa- noa- wAHAHahaheheha!” he laughed out as he was let down ever so slowly from the levitation. His legs and feet kicked out to touch the ground as little giggles escaped his mouth from the tickles at his neck. Slowly he was lowered. Slowly.. slowly…

Bingo.

The moment Han’s feet hit the ground, he was let loose as he ran as fast as his shaking legs could take him through the exit doorway. He immediately fell to the floor with a pile of aftertickly feelings all over him.

“Wooah- is everything okay? Sir?” A guard asked.

“Yh… ahaha..”

“Sir, you have to pick your prize so the next players can go.”

Prize!!

Han groggily got up at the mention of a prize only to find that it wasn’t a hamster plushie but a guinea pig plushie.

Close enough..

He was out. Finally! He had no idea where Felix was, but that was a concern for later when he planned on getting him back himself. Felix got help in getting Han wrecked for no reason in particular.. why shouldn’t Han?

Planning began once again.

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The end was a bit rushed 🥸 but I hope the rest was good!!!! ^^

[glassesntea]

Levi and female!reader developing a relationship (Canon Universe)

Part 1/2

How your foolish idealism land you into the Survey Corp

You were born in a rich merchants family of Stohess. The only girl out of four children, with three protective older brothers and a younger one whom you adored. With all of your cousins being male too, you were spoiled rotten by both your parents and various uncles and aunts.

Your life was carefree, uneventful. You were well loved by your friends, you had various interests.

You loved parties, flirting and going out with boys. Your first boyfriend broke up with you when he started the cadet training, eventually becoming an assigned MP in Stohess. You both left in friendly terms and still meeting each other to chat.

Thanks to him you came to know all the events following the Trost battle. Your interest started to stir.

Then the Female Titan appeared in Stohess.

You lived in an area unffected by the distruction, but the idea of Titans so close to your loved ones disturbed you. And instigated your curiousity even more.

That tiny germ planted in your head by the tales of outsiders, people who can turn into Titans and secrets surrounding the Walls, blossomed after the retaking of Shiganshina and the truth of the world finally unveiled.

While you were reading the newspaper you felt a mixture of rage, exaltation, hope... your lifestyle, all of the sudden, appeared dull and meaningless. You wanted to see these things yourself, wanted to help and free Eldia from the hated Marley.

Whitout telling anyone you fleed one night to enroll in the Cadets Corp, whishing to join the Scouts.

After being shouted in the face by Shadis during the presentation of the recruits...

"Y/S, uh? If I had a penny for all the time I have heard idealistic bullshit like yours, I would be richer than your daddy. What fucking happened?? He didn't buy you the pony you wanted??"

You were summoned in his office the day after just to find Shadis together with your parents, your eldest brother and your former MP's boyfriend. Apparently he snitched on you.

Your parents and brother tried to reason with you, saying it was dangerous, that you were following a blind idealism without caring the consequences.

In the long run they were right on a lot of things. You'll end up thinking about their warnings and concernes often in the years following the Rumbling.

Your ex was equally adamant trying to get you kicked out of the corp.

He said he was worried for you and told Shadis that considering your upbringing you'll have problems recognizing authority and discipline.

You didn't miss the glare Shadis gave him: "I have teached you and countless cadets before you, kid. Are you implying that I can't do my job?"

Your ex boyfriend winced at Shadis threatening tone. In the end you were allowed to stay. They thought you wouldn't last long in this setting and you would come back home soon.

You swore to yourself not to give up.

Military life teached you a lot on discipline, surely it wasn't easy for you to get used to this kind of hardship but your strong will allowed you to graduate with good scores, despite not being in the top 10.

You stood at attention with your fellow recruits, listening to Commander Hanji speech and you were pleased to notice that the majority of your comrades decided to join the Survey Corps.

With other three friends from the cadet's years you were assigned to Varis and it wasn't rare that in some training sessions with the ODM gear Jean Kirschstein, one of the hero of Shiganshina, would tutor you to perfect the movements.

Despite being younger than you of two years you came to deeply respect Jean. Through him you created a friendly bonds with both Connie and Sasha.

Sasha trained you with the rifles and you share with her the things your parents sent you like you did with your bunkmates back in trainings: goods, soaps and other things. There were too much of these, anyways.

She invited you to spend the evenings in her's and Mikasa's room.

Mikasa wasn't as talkative, but she was polite with you and,slowly, she started to warm up to you.

In the mess hall it wasn't uncommon for you and your friends to sit at a table with Connie and laughing to tears over a bowl of soup at some of his stories: especially the ones that involved a livid Shadis punishing him and Sasha for some of their antics.

Floch Forster was another commanding officer you get along with, at least for a little while.

When you were assigned guarding the Marleyan's POW, watching them from your post, Floch passed by and you salute him.

"Everyting's in order?"

"Yes, sir" your eyes narrowed when a prisoner glared in your direction and Floch noticed.

"Don't bother, they are exactly where they deserved to be."

You straighted your shoulders "They'd better remember that, after what they put us through."

Floch nodded, regarding you with a renowed interest "Y/N, right? I'm glad that some people still have some common sense, you are absolutely correct."

It was too long that I had to divide this introduction part in two because I reached the world limit. Why can't I be more succint? T-T next part continue from where I stopped.

[mikasa-imadebiscults]

AOT NSFW HEADCANNONS Pt. 2

(Characters included: Hanji, Pieck, and Annie) Pt.1 Pt.2(here)

(Warning: NSFW, reader is gn just one mention about the reader being a female, mentions of praise, experimenting, etc)

Hanji Zöe

🧪Hanji would be a soft dominant but with a couple exceptions they would let you dominant them sometimes

🧪Hanji would definitely experiment with majority of their lab equipment on you (don't ask why, they have their ways)

🧪They would also try out a bunch of kinks, but they would ask you if you're comfortable or not.

🧪Since Hanji is stress a lot with commander stuff they would like you to give them a massage leading to you eating them out or fingering them.

🧪Hanji WILL call you a good girl if you're a female, but they will praise a lot no matter what gender you are

🧪I feel like while Hanji is making you feel good they would like to be called Commander. If you moan Commander in their ear....let's just say....prepare to make a mess....

Pieck Finger

🦥Pieck would be a lazy top or a lazy bottom, depending on what the reader wants to do

🦥Her favorite position is anything that takes the less amount of energy. For example, laying down while she's getting fingered or her making you feel good.

🦥Pieck would like to watch you masturbate while you're moaning her name, while you're doing that she's slowly touching herself.

🦥Pieck is a very patient person so she'll take her time with you making sure you feel good for hours. She will also leave lazy bite marks on you, the marks don't last long but don't worry she'll make more of them.

🦥After you two are done, she will whisper soft praises in your ear making sure you know how much of a good job you did and how you made her feel so good.

Annie Leonhart

(Annie sliding in to eat my pussy be like- lol I'm sorry)

💎Dominant.. Annie would be dominant.. if you ask her if she could be a bottom she will punish you immediately

💎She be more on the rough side, but she will be careful not to hurt you. I feel like she would be secretly worried that she might hurt you so be sure to reassure her.

💎I feel like Annie would like to show off how skilled she is by pinning your back to the wall while your legs are wrapped around her waist.

💎Annie would find out very quickly on where all of your sensitive spots are

💎Annie will mark you, leaving hickeys everywhere underneath your clothing, because she wants to be the only one to see them

💎If she's feeling nice than afterwards she will let you borrow her white hoodie to go to sleep with. Annie would also hold your hand while brushing her fingers across your knuckles.

——————————————————————————-

Masterlist:

In the Masterlist there’s a link to make requests :)

——————————————————————————-

[melishade]

Attack on Prime New Age Anthology: Return to that Sick Mind III

Main Story

Strange Technology

Return to that Sick Mind I

Return to that Sick Mind II

Jazz walked into the medical bay of the Nemesis, carrying a few cubes of high grade energon per Ultra Magnus' request. The lieutenant now council member found it odd, considering it was still work hours, but he was sure that it was for a good reason.

Until he fully heard the sounds of Knockout cackling like a madcon. Jazz peered over the stacked energon cubes in his possession and blinked in confusion at the sight. Megatron and Bumblebee were on medical berths, hooked up to a cortical psychic patch. Knockout was leaning against the wall, holding his side and laughing so hard it looked like lubricant was coming out. Smokescreen and Bulkhead were helping Ratchet sit up, but the medic still looked out of it. And Ultra Magnus...looked like he hadn't moved from his locked position of staring at a screen with Bumblebee and Megatron talking.

"Uh...I brought high grade," Jazz informed, alerting all the Autobots in the room. Ultra Magnus quickly stomped over and snatched the one directly from the top before chugging it with ease.

"Whoa! Magnus, what the frag?" Jazz called out.

"Jazz, you are missing out!" Knockout declared as he picked the second high grade energon with his claws, "So apparently, there are some humans that are claiming that Megatron changed his ways, so Bumblebee wanted to dive back into his mind-!"

"Wait, didn't Bee say Megatron hijacked his body the first time he did it?!" Jazz exclaimed in disbelief.

"Oh that's only the tip of the iceberg, because during that fight with all the red titans, Megatron saved Bumblebee!" Knockout declared.

Jazz nearly dropped the remaining energon cubes in his servo. "What?"

"I know!" Knockout exclaimed, "But long story short, we've been seeing Megatron be nice to humans, get blackmailed by a human, dancing with a human-!"

Jazz dropped the energon cubes onto the ground. Thankfully none of them spilled. "S-should....should I get the council for this?"

"If you want to break their processors, then go for it." Knockout grinned, "I would love to see the looks on some of their faces."

Jazz looked back towards the screen where Bumblebee and Megatron were still talking. But it looked as though Bumblebee was just as annoyed as Megatron.

Bumblebee rubbed his optics with the palms of his servos. "By the Allspark, what happened to you?!"

"Hey, I did not ask for you to come into my helm, and I warned you!" Megatron shouted.

"Well I don't know how to feel about the 'Con that ripped out my voicebox was dancing with humans!" Bumblebee shot back.

Megatron groaned and rubbed his optics with his digits. "At the very least, does that get you to believe the humans' claims?"

"...I hate that I have to say yes," Bumblebee relented.

Megatron rolled his optics in response. Bumblebee's gaze then fell to Megatron's chest, and he remembered Arcee's condition and how she had dark energon in her armor and joints.

"What did you do to Arcee?" Bumblebee demanded.

Megatron crossed his arms. "Nothing. I spent most of my time avoiding her when she appeared on the island. We had one major confrontation with each other."

Bumblebee saw a memory appear, and it was Megatron and Arcee arguing in their holoforms. Arcee was listing off his war crimes, and the human in the middle, Hanji, took steps back from Megatron in fear.

“No you haven’t! Let’s get one thing straight: You! Deserve! Nothing!” Arcee declared, “You deserve to be rusting at the bottom of Earth’s ocean instead of walking around as if nothing’s wrong! As if you could somehow put everything behind you and pretend to be nice for your own selfish gain! I will never put my trust in you! I would rather die than put my life in your hands! Do you hear me?!”

Megatron raised his hand to strike Arcee while Arcee got into a fighting stance. Hanji quickly got into the way of Arcee and Megatron. Megatron seemed startled and momentarily paused, but out of nowhere, a teen Bumblebee had never seen in the photos or the battle punched Megatron in the face before grabbing his collar and pinning him to the floor. He yelled as Megatron turned his attention to him and grabbed him by the neck. The teen tried to pry the hand off of him, but Megatron only restricted his airway further.

“Stop! Stop!” Hanji yelled as they tried to help the teen pry the hand off.

“Megatron!” Optimus shouted as he arrived with Levi. Megatron finally snapped out of his haze and recognized what he was doing. He turned his head to see Optimus and Levi staring with worry. He glanced up to see Eren trying to breathe while Hanji looked terrified out of their mind. But Megatron careened his head when he noticed a crowd had formed. Megatron felt something in his stomach drop as he realized it was the Survey Corps, and they all looked at him…with fear. Moments later, Megatron released the teen and deactivated the holoform.

"...It wasn't my proudest moment," Megatron confessed, "I only spoke with her after that to tell her I would return to Cybertron for trial and execution."

“…I will go with you,” Megatron told her.

Arcee raised an eyebrow in confusion while Optimus and Wheeljack were taken aback.

“When Cybertron is contacted, I will go with you to Cybertron and face my punishment for the war,” Megatron elaborated, “Do whatever you want to me then, but for now, I will be doing my job here.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that from you?” Arcee wasn’t buying it, placing her servos on her hips, “How could I possibly know that what you’re telling me is true?”

“You don’t,” Megatron answered calmly, “All you have is my word, and that is the only thing that I can give you.”

Arcee only stared before sneering. “When you break your word, I’m going to enjoy dragging you to Cybertron in cuffs.”

Bumblebee looked up at Megatron. "So how did Arcee get dark energon on her? You're the only source of it as far as we know."

Megatron sighed in response. "I wasn't aware of the consequences at the time."

"Oh, really?" Bumblebee sneered.

"When I first arrived on this planet, I was unaware of the setup of the world, and how the power of the titans operated," Megatron began, "So when I first saw the Colossal and Armored Titan, I fired my weapons at them."

Bumblebee watched a memory of Megatron firing at a massive Colossal Titan situated atop of a large wall, the shots hitting the right hand of the beast.

"Apparently energon had the ability to affect the actual body of the human inside of the titan, and stop regeneration altogether," Megatron explained, "But dark energon still decayed the body of the user, slowly eating at them from the inside out. During my mission in Marley, I had learned that the dark energon was causing the current titan shifter, Bertholdt Hoover, to lose his mind and body, and the Marleyans transferred the powers of the Colossal Titan over to Porco Galliard."

Bumblebee saw another memory of two boys. One clearly affected by dark energon, chained onto a high platform, and another, injected a serum clearly laced with energon. The boy transformed into a pure titan, and Bumblebee felt sick to his stomach as the boy afflicted with dark energon screamed and cried out for help before being devoured.

"But the transfer of power wasn't enough, and Porco had shown signs of being infected with dark energon."

Bumblebee saw Megatron's human form grab by the throat and pull him back by the hand, seeing the dark energon lingering in his veins.

"I ordered our temporary ally to eliminate Porco, knowing it would be a difficult task. He orchestrated for an infiltration of the Marleyan compound, and Porco was killed in the ensuing chaos." Bumblebee saw Megatron's holoform dripping with blood, and the human form watched in surprise as Porco was shot through the chest, "But now we know that dark energon has the ability to reanimate organics."

Bumblebee covered his optics as a massive purple explosion went off in a walled city. Bumblebee gasped in horror at the destruction caused, but looked up in terror at the sight of a massive Colossal Titan with purple smoke and fire pouring from its head and body. The smoke created storm clouds that began to spread in the sky.

"I was unable to properly fight due to the dark energon, and Arcee was the one taking the initiative," Megatron continued explaining, "She was getting the brute force of the attack, trying her best to cut Porco out from the nape of the neck."

Bumblebee saw Megatron struggling to stand up on his pedes, the dark energon clearly affecting his body and mobility. He chucked his sword upward to Arcee, who was shroud by the smoke. Arcee used the sword to cut the nape wide open, and his body collapsed to the ground with a loud bang. Bumblebee watched the Colossal Titan body decay, and Megatron lying down on his back, a servo on his chest and one covering his optics. Bumblebee couldn't help but grow tense when a titan, heavily damaged by the Colossal Titan threat, trudged its way over to him, dragging the very sword just used to eliminate the Colossal Titan.

The titan raised the sword over its head to ram it into Megatron's own, but paused when Megatron raised his servo to look him eye.

“Reiner…thank you,” Megatron said.

"W-what?" Bumblebee stuttered

“The lives you’ve saved, the worlds you’ve protected, it was all because of you,” Megatron declared, “You acted in my stead, and saved the lives of billions of beings.”

Bumblebee saw that Megatron looked like he was breathing a sigh of relief. “I owe you my life. Thank you.”

"...Gratitude...for a human." Bumblebee looked up at Megatron.

"...I put Reiner through hell," Megatron explained as Reiner fell to his knees, "And then I lied to him for four years for the sake of the mission. I don't regret doing what I had to do for that mission...but I couldn't help but feel a kinship with him. Twisted, I know. But we had both pursued a dream that turned into something twisted, and were left with nothing but shame and regret. I had grown from making his life a nightmare to actively trying to stop him from taking his own life."

Megatron gave himself a running start before slamming his body into the door, busting into the room as Reiner was ready to pull the trigger of the rifle situated in his mouth. The ex-con tackled him to the ground and threw the rifle across the room. Reiner struggled to try and get the gun, but Megatron locked his arms around his abdomen and dragged him back. Megatron’s back hit the wall as Reiner tried to pull his arms off of him.

"But I still couldn't save him in the end," Megatron lamented, "He died because I let my guard down."

Megatron’s optics snapped open and he forced himself on his hands when he realized that Eren had his hand right through the other’s head. Megatron was still trying to process what was happening when Eren dragged Reiner’s titan body towards him and lifted it up towards his teeth. It was only when Eren’s teeth sunk into the nape of the neck that Megatron realized what was happening.

“Reiner!” Megatron grabbed his sword and slashed upward, managing to cut one of the hinges of Eren’s jaw. Megatron would have stabbed Eren right then and there, but Eren used both hands to throw Reiner’s titan body at him. Megatron was knocked to the ground a good few feet away, but the Cybertronian quickly scrambled to check the titan body for Reiner, but the nape was empty. Megatron looked over at Eren and watched in horror at the sight of Reiner in Eren’s grip.

“Arcee, don’t let him eat Reiner!” Megatron yelled as he grabbed his sword and bolted towards Eren.

“Help me! PLEASE! HELP ME!” Reiner begged, but the titan shifter choked on his own blood as Eren crushed him without a second thought. Eren’s jaw fully healed as he was prepared to devour the corpse, but got distracted when Arcee fired at the arm holding Reiner’s corpse. Eren saw the wound wasn’t healing and that Megatron was closing in and made a split second decision. He released Reiner’s corpse from his hand and let it drop in his mouth before he clamped it shut, and in one fell swoop, Eren had swallowed the body whole.

Bumblebee wasn't even sure what to say to that. How was he to supposed to address those memories? It-!

"I assume you have more to ask." Megatron already decided to move on with the conversation.

Bumblebee sighed in response, remembering the texts that Jack had sent, specifically about Armin, and about how he was the most vocal and adamant about Megatron's change. "Armin Arlert...seems to be...the most vocal about you changing."

Megatron was quiet, eerily quiet. Bumblebee didn't know what to do or say since Megatron's back was facing him. He didn't know what his expression was.

"...I haven't been good to him," Megatron confessed.

"...elaborate," Bumblebee ordered.

Megatron clenched his fists in response before he released them. "I was selfish to him. I...saw him as a mirror to Orion Pax. He was able to figure me out so quickly."

"Megatron, stop!" Armin yelled as he ran to him, but grunted as Mikasa pulled him back, "Don't kill her!"

Megatron growled as he pulled out his sword fully and turned to the boy. "She will kill you if you let her live and once she regains full strength. I don't understand why you kept telling me to spare her!"

"If this were any given scenario, it probably would be better to kill her, especially since she has energon in her systems," Armin admitted, "But she's more valuable to you alive than dead!"

Mikasa stared at Armin in confusion while Megatron gave an amused look.

"Valuable to me?" Megatron smirked as he turned away from the two and stared at the girl, "Tell me, Pax, how could this girl be valuable to me?"

"Because if you return to Optimus empty-handed, you won't be able to gain his trust and make things right with him!" Armin answered.

"And I just seemed to dump all of my problems on him," Megatron confessed, "My grief, my anger, my...trauma." Megatron sighed, "I didn't make his life easy."

Bumblebee saw a multitude of memories with just Megatron and Armin. Bumblebee did see violence, aggression, threats against this kid. He saw Megatron yell, impose, intimidate Armin, but...not once did Armin back down. He continued pursuing, asking questions, challenging Megatron. Bumblebee saw a memory of Armin staring at Megatron eagerly while holding a book about the ocean in his hands.

"It seemed...Armin was trying to create a bridge between the two of you," Bumblebee remarked.

"It's not an excuse for the way I treated him," Megatron declared, "I...threatened to shoot him because I was afraid he would expose my secrets! I scared him into silence!" Megatron snapped his helm to Bumblebee, and the Warrior could see the guilt written all over the ex-con's face. "Bumblebee, it was a miracle that he didn't just snap and leave!"

Megatron felt anger rise in his as he snatched the book from under Armin and threw it to the ground. "This foolishness of yours needs to-"

Armin didn't let the ex-con finish as he threw a book at his face. Megatron was clearly surprised by Armin's action, but that didn't stop the boy from throwing another book at him.

"I hate you!" Armin shouted as Megatron shielded his face, "I hate you! I hate you! You bastard! You monster! Eren wants to die because of you! And all you care about are your selfish needs! Not how it affects everyone around you! I wish you'd just disappear!"

Armin threw the last of the books on the desk before slamming his hands on the table. "Just get out!"

Armin began panting from his outburst before realizing he lost his notebook. He wasn't sure if he threw it or not so he began to look all over the desk.

Megatron lowered his arms and saw Armin panicked state as he looked all over the floor for the notebook.

"I made him afraid of his own shadow no doubt!"

“What are you doing here?” Armin demanded rather harshly, but that got Megatron’s attention. The former warlord turned his head slightly to glance back at Armin, and the soldier could see…a rather defeated look in his eyes.

“Where is Mikasa?” Megatron asked him.

“Why do you want to know?” Armin asked vaguely, neither confirming nor denying Mikasa’s location.

Megatron forced himself to stand up on the steps and fully face Armin. “I need to speak with the both of you.”

Armin grew fearful at that and took a step back. “About what?”

Megatron noticed this reaction, but didn’t take a step forward. “I have no intention of harming you.”

“But why do you want to talk to us?” Armin demanded, “You already got what you wanted out of us with Annie. Why do you want to speak to us now?”

“This is a more personal matter,” Megatron admitted, “I just want to speak with the both of you.”

Armin shook his head at that. “No. I don’t want you here. Leave.”

“Armin, please.” Armin gasped as Megatron took a step forward, but that was more than enough for Mikasa to bolt past Armin and punch Megatron directly in the face. Megatron managed to get a glimpse of the blue in Mikasa’s eyes before he got knocked off the steps and to the ground outside. Mikasa then pinned him to the ground and tried to stab him, but Megatron quickly shoved Mikasa’s face and the hand holding the knife away from the holomatter. Mikasa’s other arm was still free, and she punched Megatron square in the jaw.

"I made everyone fear me because I was a coward!"

“After years of watching, observing, listening to second hand accounts, and analyzing your own behavior, I finally know and understand exactly what you are,” Hanji began as their leaned over and crossed their arms, “You, Megatron, are a coward.”

“…what?” Megatron demanded in anger, “Who do you think you are to say that to me?”

“Someone who’s been picking at your mind for three years,” Hanji answered in confidence, “You resort to violence. Always. Considering your own environment and the life you’ve led, that’s all you’ve ever known. I can’t entirely fault you for that. But even after you say that you understand the meaning of oppression, according to Optimus’ account, you still resort to violence. You still resort to abusive and manipulative behavior. To people who haven’t done you any wrong. And the people who do want to extend their hand to you and possibly even help you, you resort to anger. You resort to violence because you’re not used to kindness or sincerity. You resort to violence because it’s easy. You are afraid of what someone might do if they found your weaknesses and your vulnerabilities. You are a coward to something as inevitable as change. You can’t even try to get out of your own head and get out of your own way, and I’d feel sorry for you if you didn’t actively strike fear into the hearts of my subordinates that they come into my office begging for protection from you.”

Megatron got up from his chair and grabbed Hanji by their collar, but the Commander was unfazed.

“Even when confronted with the truth about how horrible you are, you resort to violence, because you are afraid of the truth, and you are afraid of what that says about you!” Hanji continued, “The men and women I have fought beside for so many years have always been scared shitless of titans! They were always afraid of being eaten alive and dying a gruesome death! But even in the face of danger, they did not run! They fought and lived to survive another day, or died so that the rest of us could survive! Despite how afraid they were, they still chose to fight! I would choose a thousand Survey Corps members over any version of you! Because despite your power, you can’t confront your truth! That you never changed and that you’re still a monster who deserves nothing! And killing me won’t change that at all!”

"And I didn't get the chance to properly apologize to any of them!" Megatron declared.

Bumblebee's mouth dropped at that statement. "You-!...you what?"

"Sooooo....," Knockout trailed off as he turned to the Autobots, and the rest of the council members in the room, "We're well past ten minutes, right?"

"Shut up and give me more high grade energon!" Cyclonus ordered.

(Yep, this is gonna be a four parter, or more. Hopefully just four parts.)

[starstruckkittensweets]

“Letters to My Love” | Hanji x Reader

Fandom: Attack on Titan  Pairing: Hanji x Reader  Words: 4k 

A/N: This is a self-indulgent, completely unfiltered, messy little fic that deals with my love for Hanji. Ever since I started reading AoT back in 2015, I’ve had a soft spot for Hanji. My little ray of sunshine, one of my first comfort characters, the one character I could actually see myself becoming friends with in real life. Seeing her death finally animated (beautifully) brought a lot of feelings forward. She was brave and gorgeous and kind and absolutely amazing. It actually feels like I’m saying farewell to a close friend of mine. And so this messy fic was born, mostly unedited but with a lot of my personal feelings channeled into the reader’s POV. You can read this as either a platonic or romantic relationship, whatever floats your boat. I hope you enjoy the fic! 

Warnings: lots of angst, major character death, implied reader death, some blood and violence, struggling to cope with grief, post-war/post-snk 139 world, Hanji is referred to as female with she/her pronouns 

THIS FIC CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR AOT S4 PART 3 (AND THE UPCOMING PART 4) AND SNK 139! PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT ALL CAUGHT UP, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! 

It’s all so stupid. A stupid idea, a stupid reason behind it, a stupid man telling you about it in the first place. Why even bother with this in the first place? It’s not like it’ll help you in the long run.

But Falco’s still staring up at you with those big eyes, the slightest quiver of his lip, arms stretched out towards your own.

“Please?” His voice is unnaturally soft; it might be the lighting, but you can almost see a tear in those huge eyes. “At least try it, won’t you? I promise, you’ll feel better. Just like Dad says.”

You don’t have the heart to tell the kid his father’s full of shit, just like everyone else in this horrible world. Nothing’s left for you to enjoy, nothing you can cling to during the tough times. Those days are gone, the memories of bliss vanishing with every passing day.

But he looks so sad, so fucking hopeful, as though he still believes you can do it. You can lift this crushing weight off your chest with just a pen, some paper, and a few words every day.

“…Fine.” He practically shoves the dusty old notebook into your chest with a smile. “I’ll give it a shot.”

You’ll try, but you already know it’s a waste of time.

I’m not good at this. Writing’s never been my strong suit—not when it comes to other people. But you already know knew that, didn’t you?

Mr. Grice gave me the idea. Says writing everything down is a lot better than saying it out loud sometimes. Falco said the same thing; he still writes to his brother every other week. 

I don’t understand why. It’s not like I’ll ever send them, they’re just gonna sit in my desk collecting dust. But I told Falco I’d try for him. He’s a sweet kid, I can see why you like liked him. Sorry, it’s a habit. 

I don’t know what else to say. I guess I’ll try again tomorrow.

It’s me again. Onyankopon came to visit again. He checks up on me at least once every week. Same day, same time. It’s like he doesn’t trust me. Maybe he’s just looking out for me. That’s what Levi says.

Things are slowly going back to normal. He says it’s been almost five months since you left the battle. It’ll be spring soon. This winter hasn’t been too bad though. I miss the snow a little bit. Maybe one day we can go further north to see some next year. I know Gabi and Falco would enjoy it.

I can’t think of anything else to write down. I’m sure I’ll be back soon though.

Mundane topics. What you ate today. Who you saw at the market. The stories Gabi and Falco would make up whenever they were bored.

It’s all so stupid, but you write it down anyway. Stuff she’d like, stuff she wouldn’t like. Not her name, never her name. You can’t bear to say it out loud, not even spell out the letters without bursting into a fit of sobs. What’s the point, anyway? Not like she’s here to answer her own name anymore.

Still, you keep writing. Every day, at least something goes down in that little brown notebook. You’re the only one who reads it. Mr. Grice refuses to, says it’s for your eyes only. Falco sometimes shares what he’s written to his brother, but only when the two of you are alone. He has a little brown book of his own, same shape and size too. Always keeps it in the first drawer of his nightstand, same place you keep yours.

The days crawl by. Every breath hurts less and less. Slowly but surely, you wonder if you’re actually getting better.

I thought of you today. The kids wanted to stop in a bookstore during our shopping trip so I let them. They can be so eager and hyper when they want to be. (Why can’t they be like that when it comes to their chores?)

They both went for the bookshelf in the far corner. Books about the world; about weapons, inventions, plants, animals, experiments, I couldn’t keep track of how many there were. And the kids just sat there for hours, leafing through book after book. I ended up leaving just to drop off the groceries at home before heading back to pick them up. And when I got there they were still poring over those dusty, wrinkled pages.

You would like the bookstore. It’s on the smaller side but it doesn’t feel crowded. It’s got a few benches for people to sit and read for a bit, and there’s a café right next door too. But when I told Levi about it he got a little snippy; I think he’s jealous, his tea shop will always be superior.

He’s doing okay, I know you’re probably worried about him. His leg still gives him trouble but he’s getting better every day. He gave me a job after the shop opened a few weeks ago. Right now I’m just cleaning off tables and fixing up pastries in the back. Gabi handles inventory with Levi (she’s actually pretty good at it) and Falco takes care of the customers up front. He has the best attitude out of all of us, I think. The job is a bit boring sometimes but it beats killing Titans, using ODM gear, being a soldier

Never mind. I’ll write more later, I have to go for now. I’ll be back.

It’s really warm today. I keep thinking about that summer we spent in Krolva, in 848. You kept hunting for strange plants and flowers in the forest and had me and Moblit chasing after you all day! But you didn’t stop, not even when Levi threatened to knock you out and haul you back to base.

Sometimes I can still see Erwin’s smile, hear Mike and Nanaba’s laughter, feel the light summer breeze against my face.

I can still remember the way you said my name. I miss hearing the sound of your voice.

For the first time in a long while, you wake up with a smile on your face.

Your cheeks are stained with tears, still. You haven’t gone to sleep silently once in the past six months or so. Always stuffing your face into the pillow, muffling your sobs, praying neither Levi nor the kids hear you being so pathetic.

Your head is pounding, throat tight but chest feeling lighter than ever. You have to write it down, you don’t wanna forget, don’t forget—

The notebook is resting on your dresser. Your hands still shake when you reach for it, almost clatters to the floor when you try to pick it up. The pen leaps from your trembling fingers. The first words you write are barely legible, but you don’t stop writing for anything.

I had a dream about you last night. I can’t remember everything but I know you were in it and you were still alive smiling.

Still had both eyes, silly girl.

None of our comrades were there; no Levi, Moblit, or Mike. Just me and you, sitting on the rooftop of the old Survey Corps base, watching the stars twinkle above us. Your arm was so warm against my shoulders. Your messy hair tickling my cheek. You were laughing about something, I can’t remember what. But you looked so happy, so carefree and joyful. You haven’t looked that relaxed in years.

You whispered something in my ear, and my throat exploded with laughter. You held me close, lips brushing my cheek, eyes shining in the glowing moonlight.

You were happy, so I was happy.

But then I woke up, you were gone, and I was cold again.

Summer’s almost halfway over. The tea shop has been busier, Levi seems to enjoy the success. He’s still not very sociable but he’s learning to be more pleasant with the customers. They’ll keep coming back if he’s not rude to them all the time.

The town is expanding. Onyankopon thinks one of the nearby cities will start offering jobs, either railroad work or seamstress positions. A lot of factory jobs will start coming back too, and they’ll pay well. He says I could apply, just to keep my hands busy. Says it’s good to get out of the country once in a while.

Still undecided, I’d be going alone. Levi refuses, he hates the idea of city living, and he has the tea shop to worry about. The kids would stay with them; Gabi doesn’t like the smell of smoke, and Falco wouldn’t go anywhere without her. I can go, I don’t have anything tying me down.

What do you think I should do?

Four weeks left. It’s getting harder and harder to keep writing. I thought it would get easier, like Falco said. But I still feel that horrible pit deep in my chest. A weight that’s making it harder to breathe every day.

I don’t know what to do. I’m a burden. I can’t do anything on my own anymore. It’s always Levi or Onyankopon who’s there to hold my hand. Always Gabi and Falco to bring me back, remind me I have to keep living, to keep my head out of the clouds. But sometimes I wish I could run away. Leave it all behind. Maybe that city idea doesn’t seem so bad.

I wish you were here with me.

August 22nd. Two weeks to go.

Levi’s been quieter nowadays. Onyankopon isn’t as eager when he’s talking about the recovering towns and cities. Even the kids are more solemn than usual.

Still hoping this is all a bad dream. That I’ll wake up and you’ll be at my side, smiling and laughing like you do. Not a single care in the world.

The calendar is torn to shreds, left on the kitchen table for everyone to see. Gabi is utterly silent, a far cry from her usual loudmouthed self. Falco is quick to pull her aside as you storm past them, down the hall and into your room, slamming the door with a thud.

Burying your face in your hands. Chest wracked with sobs. Throat burning as her name rips itself from your mouth.

Hanji.

Stop it.

Your back hits the wall, knees buckling beneath your weight. Nails tear at the roots of your hair, scraping down your cheeks, eyes growing warm even though you keep them shut.

Hanji.

Another scream, you throw yourself against the wall. Your shoulder collides with the bookcase, but the pain doesn’t help. Nothing helps you anymore, not even writing in that shitty little book—

Someone’s calling your name on the other side of the door. Tiny fists pound on the wood; the knob twists and turns in vain. You made sure to lock it after coming in here.

Stop it. Can’t they see you want to be left alone?

Alone. You’re all alone now. You have no one left.

No parents, no children, no comrades…

And no other half.

Hanji.

“Stop it!” But you can still hear her name, swirling around in your head, a chorus of a thousand voices.

Hanji, Hanji, Hanji.

“Leave me alone!”

Something shatters against the wall. Your palm stings with something fierce, a shadow of red seeping from the skin.

The book, the book, where is it? Where did you put it?

There it is—right on your bed where you left it last. You’re scrambling over broken glass to grab at it, bloody fingers clutching the pen stuck between the pages. The tears are hot against your cheeks. Hurt like nothing else, not even the pain in your chest.

And they just keep on coming as you keep on writing.

Why did you leave me? Why did you have to go? Why did you have to kill kill yourself like that?

We could’ve handled it. Without your help. Maybe if you’d let us you’d still be alive with me. If you’d just trusted me—why didn’t you trust me? I trusted you, why didn’t you return the favor?

It’s your fault I’m like this now. I was fine before but then you fucked it all up.

Did you think you were some kind of hero? You’re not. Going out in a blaze of glory? Selfish asshole.

You’re not. You never were. You left me and now I’m alone and I hate

I hate you.

I hate you I hate you I hate you didn’t have to leave me but you did and now I hate you I can’t believe I love loved you how could I ever love someone so selfish fuck you so selfish

I HATE YOU

YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DIE WHY AREN’T YOU HERE WITH ME ANYMORE WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU LEAVE TO MAKE YOU GO WHY WHY WHY

I STILL HATE YOU

Levi finds you hours later. Sitting on the floor at the foot of your bed, hands trembling against your knees. The book is lying halfway across the room. Must’ve thrown it earlier.

He heaves a sigh, dragging his hand across his scarred face. And despite the ache in his leg he still kneels down to your level, taking a seat beside you against the bed. Wrapping up your hands in one of the spare shirts you tore from the dresser just minutes before.

“Brats were worried,” he finally says, and he sounds so fucking tired. There’s an inkling of guilt blooming in your chest. Such a burden to him, as always. “Said you’d run off and started crying.”

“…So?”

He rolls his eyes, focusing on your bloodied hands. They’re dry now, and he makes a sound of disgust in the back of his throat.

Eventually he pulls you on your feet, leads you to the washroom and runs your hands under the warm water. He wraps up your hands in some clean bandages; over his shoulder you can see two sets of eyes staring at you from down the hall. One brown, one hazel.

“Quit beating yourself up like this. That’s not what she died for, brat. And don’t ask me,” he snaps when I open my mouth, “what she died for. Because you and I both know the answer to that. …So don’t make me say it.”

You’re still blubbering like a child, fat tears rolling down your cheeks, splashing onto the clean bandages around your hands. Levi sighs again before pulling you in close, one arm looped around your shoulders. His chest is warm, heart strong against your palm.

But it’s nothing compared to hers—and the thought makes you cry even harder.

“I get it.” His lips are warm against your forehead, hand cupping around the back of your head. “I miss her, too.”

You’re not sure when he makes you leave the washroom. But once he does he brings you down to the kitchen, giving Gabi and Falco each a pat on their heads. You give them a smile, tears still fresh in your eyes, before gathering the torn pieces of the calendar in your bruised hands.

Maybe you can fix this. It’s the fifth of September, after all. Not a day you want to forget just yet.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, I swear on my life. I wanna rip those pages out but I’ll lose the other letters and I don’t want to lose them like I lost you.

I don’t hate you. You’re not selfish, you never were. I know you did the best you could as Commander of the Survey Corps, with the incredible weight on your shoulders. Your main priority was always keeping us safe and giving us hope.

I know why you left that day. But I wish you hadn’t left me behind. I could’ve gone with you, helped you out that day. We could still be together dead or alive.

I love you. I wish I could’ve said it when you were still alive with me. I wish I could say it to your face instead of writing it down in a dusty old notebook.

I love you. I miss you. I wish I could see your smile one last time. Hear your voice again. See the beautiful shine in your eyes.

Because I love you, and I always have. Maybe someday I’ll see you again and tell you face-to-face. Maybe by then I won’t be such a coward.

Hope you enjoy your birthday up there.

Every day brings something new. Smells, tastes, sounds, even the wind outside is different every day. People passing each other hour after hour, car horns filling your ears, the sting of smoke deep in your lungs; it’s easy to get lost in the atmosphere.

You take it in stride. Onyankopon is standing there, holding out his hand, ready to guide you deeper into the city. He’s offered to carry your suitcase but you insisted you do it yourself; too many memories are stuffed in between the clothes inside.

You suck in a breath and take his hand. A little awkward, with a suitcase in your other hand, and the old tattered notebook resting in the crook of your elbow. But the damn thing has already wormed its way into your heart, no way are you leaving it behind now.

A tight swallow, a soft smile from Onyankopon, as you let him lead you towards the next chapter of your life.

City life isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It’s busy and crowded but it keeps me looking forward. No time to dwell on the past here. Maybe that’s why Onyankopon was so adamant about me living here.

There’s a bookstore here, much larger than the one back home where Levi and the kids live. It pays well, the owner’s nice, and she lets me borrow some of her own books from her personal collection from time to time.

She wears glasses too—not as cute as yours, though.

I try to visit Levi and the kids every other weekend. Gabi and Falco come to visit once in a while but Levi always stays behind. Blames it on the bad leg but we both know the truth. Too many bad memories of Mitras has made him wary of crowded cities.

But I like it. I have my own apartment, right next door to Onyankopon’s, with a balcony and a slew of potted plants. Onyankopon says some people like to name their plants just for the fun of it. The two sitting on the windowsill are Sawney and Bean. (You’re welcome, silly girl.)

It’s hard work but I’m getting better. I don’t dread writing in this book anymore. I can think of your smile without bursting into tears. For now I’m content to sit back and enjoy city life, until whatever god watching over us decides my time is up.

I promise to write soon; have to head to work now. I’ll be back.

It’s been a year since you left me. I still want to see you again.

Onyankopon and I are heading into town for a few days to visit Levi. He says he doesn’t need help around the shop but he never complains whenever I show up at his door. Sometimes I wonder if he feels obligated to put up with me. If he thinks you’ll haunt him forever if he turns me away. That sounds like something you would do, silly girl.

I had another dream about you last night. Right after the celebration for Shiganshina, the night before the expedition to reclaim Wall Maria. We were laughing and drinking and sharing old stories—but we weren’t alone. Erwin and Levi were there. So was Moblit, and by some miracle, so were Mike and Nanaba.

I hope we’ll all be together again soon. I hope they’re all watching us, waiting to see what we’ll do with this new world we’ve forged for ourselves.

I know you are. You’re always watching, aren’t you?

I have to go now, or Onyankopon will head out without me. I’ll let you know how Levi and the kids are when I come home.

Miss you more every day. I hope I’ll get to see you again soon. Until then, I’ll just have to keep writing these silly little letters. I think you’d like them anyways.

See you later, Hanji.

It’s bright when you open your eyes. Too bright, a soft breeze kissing your cheeks, nose scrunching up as you shield your face with your hands. Funny, you don’t remember leaving the window open when you fell asleep. Or sleeping outside, for that matter.

You’re lying in the grass, a bed of wildflowers sprawled beneath you. There’s a forest at the edge of the valley, close enough for you to see the shadows of animals spilling across the trees. The sun is warm on your skin, so bright and beautiful, not a single cloud in the sky.

Almost too good to be true.

Is this it? Have you finally reached the end of your line? All those days with Levi, Onyankopon, and the kids, moving from town to city for work, seeing what little of the new world you could for both you and your other half…

Has your time finally run out?

“Hey, over here!”

Your blood freezes in your veins. A shadow crosses yours in the warm sunlight. A heavy cape blows in the wind, a dark green to match the forest beyond the meadow.

A pair of wings splashed against the fabric. Messy brown hair tied up haphazardly. Shiny glasses reflecting in the sun. Warm brown eyes that remind you of home.

“I was wondering when you’d get here. It’s been kinda lonely, I have to say…”

Hanji Zoe is standing right there in front of you, looking as radiant as ever. No scars or bruises to be seen, nor the black patch over her left eye. No burns or charred fabric on her body.

She looks…happy. Safe, content.

Alive.

“…Dumbass,” you finally find your voice, rushing into her outstretched arms. “You had me worried sick! Are you hurt? Can I do anything for you? I swear, I won’t let you go anywhere alone ever again! I’ll be right there by your side for as long as you—”

“Hey, hey, hey, come on now! You’re gonna make me blush with all that sweet talk!”

But you can’t stop yourself. And before you know it you’re sobbing into her chest, arms wrapped tight around her wrist, feeling the soft b-bmp of her heart against your ear.

“Love you, you know that? I love you, so please don’t leave me again…”

You’ll say it over and over, as many times as she wants to hear it. But for right now she’s silent, her arms resting around your waist and shoulders, tugging you in for a bone-crushing hug. Her messy hair is tickling your nose again, her smile could rival the sun in the sky. She shakes her head and lets out a laugh, before pressing a warm kiss to the apple of your cheek.

“I won’t ever leave you again, alright? I’m sorry about that, I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t mean to leave you like that…”

You hold her tighter, knocking her down into the wildflowers below. She lets out a real laugh this time, hair sticking out like a halo above her head, palms against your cheeks. For the first time in months—no, years—your chest feels whole again.

“I know you didn’t. It’s okay, I promise, it’s okay…”

A comforting silence washes over the two of you. It’s so warm right here, in this little meadow of your own, surrounded by a thousand wildflowers. She’s finally safe in your arms, after all these years, and you are never letting her go ever again.

“…I love you, Hanji.”

“I know,” she answers with a smile that makes your heart soar, “and I love you too.”

[hyunverse]

MOOT GAME: " make up a trope for your moots and their biases. doesn’t need to be romantic. can be crackfic/funny/anything you want ^ㅇ(๑>◡<๑)ㅇ^ "

omg this is cool 😸☝️ thank u for sending this to me!!!

first of all, @mnwrld & hanji!!! gives off major college au music nerd #1 meets music nerd #2 together they meet and bond over making music together doing music nerd things while holding hands

@astraystayyh with hyunjin and make it forbidden love. 25k words MINIMUM. a lot of longing, pining, and crying together. it'd be gut-wrenching with a happy ending ☝️

@in2heartz & lee know. dare i say fake enemies... sprinkled with a there was only one bed trope. i see it tbh 😸☝️ they come out of the holiday as lovers i tell u!!!!

@forlix with lixie!!! neighbours trope 🤠 pov xian is the new tenant of the apartment and felix comes with a tray of cookies as a welcome gift... i see the vision and i like it!!!

@hwajin & hyune ofc 😋 i'm thinking... small town love... 💭 they met at a grocery store cs kathy was like hey haha get that cereal box from the top shelf for me pls then hyune falls in love this is canon and real

@facioleeknow & seungmin...💭 fake dating!!! seung's trying to get an ex girlfriend to be jealous but falls in love in the process 😔

lastly, @blondie-hyun with jeongin!!! something cute me thinks... 😋 i'm thinking the classic bumping into each other and having books fall EEEEEEK

[elmundodeflor]

Margaritas - Levihan Oneshot

-Corazón roto, diagnosticó el médico. - había sentenciado Onyankopon, con expresión sombría, sobre el té del desayuno. - Dice que, a veces, los males emocionales provocan efectos adversos en el cerebro. Como la pérdida de memoria.

Después de la guerra, Levi decide entregarse a los velos fantasmales del olvido para proteger intacta su alma. Pero, en el frío de la oscuridad, sólo puede ver a Hanji Zoe. Una y otra vez.

――――――――

Un relato que entrelaza pasado y presente, en el que las líneas de recuerdo y realidad se esfuman difusas y Levi Ackerman, perdido en las tinieblas profundas de sus propios fantasmas, abre las puertas para finalmente dejar salir a sus sentimientos más vívidos.

ENLACE AL FIC COMPLETO: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41956140

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.

Holaaaaaa! Como anda mi genteee? Por aca vuelvo con un escrito que habia estado pensado para el dia 5 de la Semana Levihan: Memorias (si, hace casi dos meses). Pasaron cosas en el medio y.... bueno, aca estoy. Porque mejor tarde que nunca, no? JASKSKS no me maten, prometo escribirles mas seguido!

Este escrito es muy muy especial para mi (si, llore TRES VECES mientras escribia), asi que espero que les guste mucho! Queria darle un GRACIAS gigante a @itsshailam​ por haberme dado el puntapie para la idea final. No se que haria sin vos y tu apoyo constante! Sos lo mas de lo mas y significas mucho para mi, bb <3 Tambien muchisimas gracias a todos por la paciencia, el cariño y por leerme! De corazon, repito, espero que esto les guste! (Y si no, siempre me lo pueden hacer saber) Les quieroooo <3 <3

[mybeingthere]

Jiyoung Chung is a Joomchi artist. She has developed a new technique to use in the traditional Korean method of papermaking called Joomchi.

"How do you go about making joomchi? It’s easier to try with your own hands than to explain in words…but here it goes: at least 2 layers of Korean mulberry paper, or hanji, are first wet, then, aggressively gripped, grabbed, stretched, and manipulated until the fibers are broken down and almost “felted” to your liking. Hours of aggravating the paper are expended, while possibly years of angst is relieved. A major transformation occurs; once flat sheets of paper become a very organic, leather-like, almost living form.

No adhesives are used, however, natural dyes, pigments, other papers, fibers, and cloth can be “collaged” in to create a very special mixed media paper art.” From Paper Connection.

[forgottenfourr]

i saw you in a dream - university smau

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character update/breakdown post!!

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a/n: thank you guys for all the love and support so far? i truly was only expecting a few people to be interested in this smau so this is so insane to me. I've been extremely sick lately so i haven't been posting daily like i want to but i promise when i feel better i will be posting as much as i can! expect an update tonight around 10/11pm cst! thank you guys again :( it means so much to me.

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haters at heart: yn, seungmin, jisung, minho, beomgyu from txt, & soul from piwon

yn - music production major, currently working with chan for his senior project, works at the university coffee shop sunrise cafe, roommates with seungmin and beomgyu

seungmin (nickname: minnie) - psychology major, one of yn’s best friends, roommates with yn and beomgyu, an absolute fucking menace but always there for yn

jisung (nicknames: ji, hanji, princess as a joke) - music production major, minho’s roommate, one of yn’s best friends, has the most classes with yn

minho (nicknames: min, kitten & dad as a joke) - dance major, jisung’s roommate, an older brother figure to yn, works at sunrise cafe with yn, captain of the dance team that felix and hyunjin are apart of

beomgyu (nickname: gyu) - undecided manor, roommates with yn and seungmin, yn’s childhood best friend, also an absolute fucking menace

soul (nicknames: solar, gamer boy as a joke) - media & video game production major, newer to the friend group but still close with everyone, the baby of the group, mostly responds with emoticons like ▷( --- ･∀･), roommates with keeho

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sane people + binnie: jeongin, bang chan, changbin, hyunjin, felix, keeho from piwon, & mingyu from svt

jeongin (nicknames: innie, ayen, gin) - music performance major, roommates with felix and hyunjin

bang chan (nicknames: chan, channie, chris/christopher, dad as a joke) - music production major, jeongin’s older brother figure, roommates with changbin and mingyu

changbin (nicknames: bin, binnie) - music production major, partners in class with jisung, one of jeongin’s best friends, roommates with chan and mingyu

felix (nicknames: lix, lixie) - dance major, jeongin’s childhood best friend, roommates with hyunjin and jeongin, frequent customer at sunrise cafe, on the same dance team as minho and hyunjin

hyunjin (nicknames: hyun, jinnie) - dance & art double major, one of jeongin’s best friends, roommates with felix and jeongin, on the same dance team as minho and felix

keeho (nicknames: kee, kyo) - music performance major, close friends with jeongin, roommates with soul

mingyu (nicknames: min, mingie) - economics major (ew), good friends with jeongin but not super close, roommates with chan and changbin, doesn’t speak in the gc much but is always there lurking

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<<<prev masterlist next>>>

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tag list [open]

@thisisnotjacinta @ddextrr @puppymplushie @what-the-y2k @strawberry-dreamland @veryjeongintxtkid @rag-iii @amara-mars @lolcarlaaa

red means it won't let me tag you

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[sweetsungie]

the silence between two special songs | h.j | part 4

pairing: souncloud! jisung x reader (ft. dancer! hyunjin)

genre: college au, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, angst, mature content, fwb, mutual pining, unrequited love, rapper jisung, english major reader

series: the silence between two special songs

word count: 22k

warnings: cursing, fluff, total angst fest, marijuana use, smoking, a lot of making out, jealousy, mentions of sex, oral (f. receiving), teasing, dirty talk (???), slight dry humping, heartbreak, toxic situationships :(

synopsis:

falling in love with someone was one of the best and worst things a person could do. you'd remember the first time your heart skipped a beat at the sound of their voice and how perfectly their lips fit into yours. you'd remember how they encapsulated every single fiber being within you that you could no longer breathe when you were around them; likewise, you didn't want to.

you'd remember all the good things about them.

but then you'd remember the first time it ached knowing that they cared about you, but not enough. how they loved you, but not the way you wanted them to.

not the way you wanted hyunjin to.

and not the way jisung wanted you to.

•°. *࿐

a/n: this was such a hectic couple of weeks ughhh!!! i hope you guys enjoy this chapter though, a lot of heartbreak and angst and feels and ahhhhh :’( 

as always though, the series spotify playlist is linked below so listen as you read, if you can (i’ve updated with skz replay 2022 hehe)

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

comment to be a part of the taglist <3

masterlist

series playlist

You believed that loving him was like chasing after the clouds. 

“We never made it, did we?”

You knew it was impossible, but you still craved it, just for the excitement, the thrill it gave you; for the feeling of adrenaline coursing through your veins. 

But after a while, you realized it was pointless. 

Absolutely pointless going after something that was completely out of your reach.

It was scary to find someone that made you happy. 

You would start giving them all your attention because they were what made you forget everything and consume anything. And for a split second—that felt like forever—you would find yourself realizing that everything bad in your life had disappeared.

They would be the first person you would want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you slept, just so you could start and end your day with a smile. It all sounded great to have that someone, but it was scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that happiness away with them.

But still, it was the best thing in the world and you wouldn't trade it in for anything else.

“Fuck Hanji—” You sobbed, back arched, nails digging, and fingers gripping into the sheets below you. This had to be your fourth orgasm of the night—no, maybe fifth. Who knew? You honestly weren't keeping track anymore.

All you knew was that this shouldn't be happening… again.

Jisung’s voice was muffled. “Mhm I know baby, let it out.” He peered up from in between your legs, watching you unfold before his very eyes into a blissful contracting high, over and over, all because of his mouth. “Let me know how good I’m making you feel.”

He, out of all people, knew that he really should not be doing this. 

He shouldn’t keep coming back to you—not like this. Not when he had his heart delicately worn on his sleeve and you were the one to play with it.

Words suddenly didn't seem to exist anymore as you struggled to keep your trembling legs apart. Ultimately you failed, nearly trapping the boy’s head in between your thighs as you rolled over to your side. 

And although Jisung should’ve been regretting it, scolding himself to stop after the first time he made you finish tonight, he couldn't keep a smug smirk from forming on his lips. He lifted himself up to watch you fucked out, eyes shut. 

Sure, he was used to it by now. But he could never get tired of the view. 

He rolled you so you were wholly on your back again, your body limp as you were still in the process of regaining any sense of strength you had. Lowering himself onto his forearms, he leaned himself slightly onto the top of your chest, upper bodies pressed together. Like always, he wanted to feel you closer.

Kissing you gently at first, soft skin gliding over softer skin, he pulled your lower lip between his, drawing on it slightly. “Another?” His warm breath blew across your cheek, a hungry look in his eyes. 

It should’ve felt like you've both done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, maybe even stole some candy from a kid—but as his embrace became more heated, his hand clasping around your neck and stroking up and down until he felt you relax—it felt like complete bliss. 

You shuttered so easily against his touch. The barest tip of his tongue moved forward to tease your upper lip. You welcomed him, and he began to explore your mouth with purpose, catching you almost unaware. 

The lack of words from you was what caused his hand to wander. It trailed down the side of your waist, down your hips, and right in between your legs again before grazing a finger against your wet, throbbing bud. 

You moaned against him, your hips lifting from the contact. It was ridiculous how needy you had gotten within the past few weeks. Ever since you had gotten a taste of what a real orgasm felt like, you just couldn't stop. 

Partly because it felt so good in it by itself, and partly because, well, it felt so good that you seemingly forgot about all your worries.

Ever since break had begun, there had been a constant routine in place. 

You’d wake up, think about Hyunjin, go on your morning walk, read, take a nap with a random movie playing in the back, think about Hyunjin some more, read again, and get into bed. 

Then, you’d end up not being able to fall asleep. So, you’d spend some time on your phone—an hour, maybe even two. Just long enough until you’d run out of applications to fornicate with, ultimately leading you to think about Hyunjin again.

What was he doing? What did he wear today? Did he have a good day? A bad one?

It was embarrassing, pitiful, and pathetic and all you wanted to do was shame yourself in the mirror because of how utterly miserable you were acting over a boy.

So later you’d result in texting Jisung, and bother him until he’d understand what was going on with you. He had mastered the language of ‘girl’ after spending his whole life dealing with you.

And because of that, he’d end up calling you even though he was flooded with work right next door at his desk and was too lazy to get up and talk to you in person.

You’d always let it ring twice—sometimes two and a half just because you didn't want to seem too desperate for what you had in mind.

"I'm bored," you’d sigh dramatically.

He would simply laugh as his heart quickened, mind running back and forth between yes, no, yes, no, until he was stuck on yes as if some malware had corrupted his system. A beautiful, yet dangerous virus.

After what happened the first night, you had told Jisung multiple times that he didn't need to do this anymore. You felt bad because it seemed like he was just doing this for you. 

When you made the first move, he was hesitant and overly nervous.

"Are you sure?"

He paused for a second before nodding his head. "Yes,” and he told you honestly. He had made a contract with himself before even entering your room that he’d forget the consequences—just this once. He could have everything.

He’d insist and tell you that he didn't mind—that if you needed to release your stress, he could help you. And because of this, it didn't help that he seemed to be feeding into your addiction. You had no choice but to believe it. 

So now, if it wasn't for the sudden discomfort you felt against his fingers, you would've kept going to have your next climax—because you needed it, and because you wanted it.

But it would all happen again tomorrow, right? 

Wincing from the overstimulation, you pulled away from his swollen lips slightly. “Mm—I don’t think I can go again.” Your pelvis was growing sore and the space between your legs began to ache.

He nodded, his mouth moving against the surface of your skin for a few moments more before halting his movements. He lifted himself, falling over beside you with a sigh. 

Turning to look at him, you took in his flushed-out face. “You want next?” You asked, beginning to reach for the waistband of his sweatpants before he stopped you.

He shook his head, eyes closed with sleep. “No, that’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I feel bad.”

“Don’t feel bad.”

“Easy for you to say. You never let me go down on you,” you huffed out. “I feel like it’s not fair.”

It was true. Based on the laws of orgasms between more than one person, it wasn't fair. Everyone involved should be able to feel the sweet sensation of release. But Jisung felt like he didn't deserve that—especially not from you. 

And it wasn't as if he hadn't lost all his self-respect already, he somehow managed to save the last shred of it by not letting your lips anywhere near his dick.

Surely, you both have had sex multiple times by now, with the two of you chasing your highs. And if he was lucky, sometimes he’d even finish twice. But something about the thought of you solely out to please him, and only him—He’d lose his mind once and for all.

Jisung was nothing but a humble servant. It was better this way for him. Opening an eye to glance over at you, he plastered a ridiculous smile onto his lips. “Don’t feel bad for abusing my skills.”

Your mouth fell agape and you slapped his chest. “Bitch, I literally just offered!”

His hands came up to shield himself, now fully awake. He laughed until you huffed out in playful frustration. “I just want to sleep with you, that’s all.” 

“You can silly.” You engulf him in a kiss and he hummed, pulling away ever so slightly.

“But like in the innocent way.” He wasn't sure if you understood where he was going with this.

You groaned dramatically, a humorous smile forming on your lips. “You're so boring…”

“Oh, am I?” He raised an eyebrow, quizzically, and you nodded. “If I’m being honest, I was expecting you to get down on one knee while asking to give me head… so if anyone's boring, that’s all you.” 

You paused for a moment. "Now, you're the stupidest person I've ever met. Did you know that?"

He let out a complacent laugh. "I get that a lot. Good thing you help me with my homework! But you love it, don't you?" He teased, taking a strand of your hair and twirling it around his finger.

Whatever. You rolled your eyes, "I don't know, do I?" 

His phone sounded with his ringtone. "I sure hope so.” 

As he turned over to your nightstand to grab his phone to answer it, you sat up, cringing at the big mess you made between your legs. You needed to shower quickly before Minho came home and hogged all the hot water. 

He was finally coming back after a full week away for break. He had gone on vacation with his parents and cats and you couldn't wait to hear about it tomorrow. 

“In the morning?” Jisung groaned slightly from beside you. He sat up, leaning to grab one of your plushies that found its way onto the ground, and lazily hugged it to his chest. “That’s so early… Yeah, yeah I know… Fine… I’ll see you then.”

And with that he hung up, tossing his phone down on the space in front of him. His expression screamed with slight annoyance and despair and you couldn’t help but teasingly question him over it.

“What's with the face?” You chuckled, tossing on a shirt.

“I have to go to the studio tomorrow at like seven in the morning,” he exhaustingly hurled his head back onto a pillow.

Immediately your eyes brightened and you hopped back onto the bed beside him. “I wanna go!”

For the past couple of days since break had begun, Jisung, Chan, and Changbin had been trying to rent out a spot at a studio to record and plan for their third mini album.

This was a big deal for them because they were never able to do it in any other place besides their small studio setup at their houses. So they did a lot of research and were slowly trying to expand their resources.

Jisung looked at you with the utmost confusion ever, “Did you miss the part where I said it was at seven in the morning?”

“So what? That means we get an early start to our days!”

Now he was really fucking confused. “Let me get this straight. You—Y/N—wants to get an early start to your day? It must be opposite day.”

Your jaw dropped, “What do you take me for? I can get up early.” He gave you a look that screamed with ‘in your dreams.’ It made you scoff at his audacity. “You really underestimate me.”

He lightheartedly rolled his eyes, trying his best to fight an amused smile at your annoyance, “Hmm, I guess I do.” He could feel his face beginning to heat up and he mentally cursed himself out for it. “Either way, the answer is no.”

"Why?"

He paused for a moment, thinking. "Because you talk too much it’s distracting."

You raised your eyebrows and pointed at yourself. "Me? I’m the one who talks too much?" 

He nodded in response, just to get you worked up for his own personal enjoyment. And it worked considering you glared at him for a couple of seconds. 

“Jisung, you and I both know that you’re the one who never shuts up.”

“Woah, now I’m just offended.”

“How?”

“Because you make it seem like it's a bad thing Y/N.”

“Well, that's because you made it seem like it too—You know what? Never mind, I don't wanna go anymore.”

If anybody heard you both, they would've assumed you were an old bickering couple.

He bursted out laughing and kept trying to reach for you—trying to touch you to apologize. You had to tell him to stop many times until you relentlessly gave up. "I’m sorry," he cheekily grinned, poking the fat of your cheek, "Forgive me."

“Shut up, Han.” You swatted his hand away.

Placing a hand on his chest, he gasped. “Ouch, not the government.” After a moment, he exhaled loudly like he had been keeping in a breath for too long. "You know what?" He said to you. He slid his fingers through yours and squeezed your hand.

"What loser?" You were still kind of mad at him.

"You're my favorite person.” 

He felt you laugh a little and it made him smile.

"Oh yeah? Out of how many people?" You asked.

"All of them babe,” he winked. “So, fine, you can come.” You squinted at him for a few seconds, suspicious of his sudden switch-up. “What?” He laughed, giving your hand another squeeze. “C’mon, I’ll buy you coffee and food too.”

“I feel like this is a joke and you're just trying to get my hopes up.”

“Definitely the case.”

You pushed him away from you, jokingly. “Fuck you.”

But when he brought himself back to you, touched your bare arm, and then cupped your chin, he turned your head to face him. “Kidding.” It felt as if the stars were dancing across his skin. "You can actually come. And if it helps I’ll give you kisses all over your face,” he proudly stated, lifting a finger, “but don't even dare try to nap on Changbin’s shoulder either, even though he has more muscles than me! You can only nap on mine… or the arm of the sofa.”

You laughed, shaking your chin from out of his grip. "Are you always so greedy?"

His eyes glinted, "With you, yes.” Easily, yes.

“Gross, Sungie. You made it sound real for a second,” you faked a gag. "But okay. I’ll go if you want me to so badly.”

The two of you didn't know what to call it, what was happening between you, but you both liked it. It felt silly and fragile and good.

Usually, he would’ve argued back but he’d let you have it just this once. “As aggravating as it is, I do.”

You laughed, “See, this is why you're my favorite person, too, Ji.” You snuggled your head against him. “By a long shot.”

Silly, fragile. good, and everything else in between.

By the time you both needed to leave the next morning, it managed to take a lot of willpower in getting the both of you out of bed than expected.

It didn't help that you and Jisung were running off of only a couple of hours of sleep either, so the thought of ever getting out of the warmth of your sheets was pushed far back in both of your minds. 

But soon enough, you realized that someone had to take one for the team and get up first, or else neither of you would ever make it. Yet every time you mustered enough energy to attempt to get up, Jisung would always pull you right back in into the warmth of his embrace. 

And of course, you had no other choice but to let your body fall into his control.

This was why the both of you were an hour late. 

As expected, Chan lectured the both of you when arriving—more so Jisung, since the older boy didn't have the heart to blame you entirely for his friend’s laziness. Although, he knew in reality you were all the more reason for it.

“I told you that we should’ve said six instead of seven,” Changbin butted in from where he was seated. “If we did, he would’ve come right on time.”

Jisung flicked him off, “Shut up. This isn't even fair because you live with Chan. If you were me you would’ve overslept too.”

Changbin mocked him in a childlike manner and Jisung nearly launched himself on top of him. This was normal behavior between the both of them so you and Chan simply laughed as a result. 

Soon after the bickering ended (with Chan having to interfere of course), the boys finally began to work and you found a spot in the back where there were couches to catch up on some reading. 

Despite the fact that you had read a lot during the break already, you had only been reading the book Hyunjin had given you. And you were nearly finished with it, but for some reason, you couldn't bring yourself to actually complete it.

This was why you were stuck reading some random book that you ordered online a couple of days ago now. 

You weren't too sure as to how long they had rented out the studio for, but you had assumed it was for a good part day by the looks of it. A couple of hours had passed by now, with the three of them in and out of the recording booth. It was interesting at first watching the music process behind the scenes, but now you were starting to grow bored.

What did you expect though? They paid for this room so surely, they would be doing what they planned on doing which was working. 

You sighed to yourself, flipping to the next page. Where was your free coffee and food? Maybe you should bother Jisung about it soon because he made a bold claim about it yesterday.

You looked up to watch him from where he was at. You could hear his light mumbles as he repeated the lyrics. He was sat across, his back facing you, and tapped his pen against the table whilst he made up a random tune to go along with it. You resisted the urge to let your eyes linger on him for too long. 

Although you couldn't see it from where you were sat, his eyes traced his notebook as he lazily swayed himself in his chair. But you didn't need to see his face to know that he had a faint crease between his eyebrows as he focused. 

And suddenly you felt something pool in between your legs at the thought. You imagined your mouth moving down to his neck and breathing in the scent of his skin so he would gasp. You imagined taking in the taste of him, running your hands down his chest, kissing your way across and down the line of his torso.

You tried to not make it obvious that you were openly studying him. 

But ultimately, you failed as you suddenly felt a pair of eyes on you—and it was Chan’s. He had caught you staring and immediately after, your cheeks flushed red. Undeniably enough, he most definitely did not know the reason behind your stare, but still, you felt icky.

Why were you so aroused all the time? It was embarrassing.

You would have shaken your head if you could have found it.

"Alright, tell me what you think," Jisung said to the boys beside him, passing his notebook. It woke you up from your daze. He leaned back in his chair, spinning around in it briefly to face you and give you a quick smile. 

But, looking at your flushed-out appearance, curiosity quickly washed over him as he wondered what had been on your mind. 

The boys soon gave their input, agreeing with some of his additions. “But maybe you should ask Y/N. She has a fresh eye,” Chan suggested suddenly. 

Jisung’s eyes widened slightly, at your name. He needed to stop getting flustered so easily. He was just unsure of where his friend was taking this so abruptly. 

He took his notebook back, silently hoping that Changbin wouldn't agree with Chan. 

“That’s true. Sometimes a new person could help,” Changbin added before turning back to look at you. “Y/N, come here real quick. We need your input.”

With a sigh, you stood up from where you sat and walked over to them. Jisung hesitantly passed you his notebook and a minute passed before you finished reading what he had wrote. 

You were silent for a moment, reflecting.

"Hmm… I think," you said slowly as you leaned over to place his notebook in the space in front of him. His eyes followed your actions. "I think that you really can drive a person crazy by simply refusing to look at them. I like it.”

You were referring to a specific line you had read.

Jisung chuckled to himself softly, tracing his tongue lightly against the bottom of his lip. He turned around in his chair properly so his back was facing you again and he couldn't see you anymore. 

His elbows now rested on the table as he sucked in against his teeth. "I suppose there isn't anything quite like being ignored by someone you have feelings for, huh?"

It was nearly two in the afternoon before you decided you were pretty close to disliking books. You had spent so much time today reading and pausing and reading and pausing—you were so tired of looking at pages.

You also didn't have any room to voice your complaints. You were the one who basically begged to go last night but now you were slowly starting to regret it. And sure, it would've been easier to just leave right then, by yourself, but a part of you wanted to prove to Jisung that you wanted to be there. 

It was your stupid and really lame way of trying to show your appreciation to the boys because this was their first time in an official studio. But the clock was moving too damn slow, probably even slower than usual.

You sighed to yourself, throwing the paperback book onto the opposite side of the couch. That was enough of that. How much longer was this going to take…

“Alright, let’s take it from the top.”

It took everything in you to not groan loudly for everyone to hear you. Today wasn't about you and you had to keep reminding yourself of that. And it worked… for maybe another half an hour until you just couldn't take it anymore.

You picked up your phone and began to type away.

you: i’m bored

No response. You waited a few minutes before texting again.

you: like realllyyyyyyy fucking bored

Nothing.

you: han jisung

Okay, clearly, he was busy working right in front of you… but still. His phone at the very least should’ve lit up. Maybe he was on do not disturb. You were growing irritable.

You stood up, ever so abruptly, and walked over to him. You grabbed his phone that was facing down. He was too busy looking at whatever was on his laptop screen before shooting you a glance from the side.

“Yes?” He asked and stopped typing.

You unlocked his phone and placed it on his keyboard before walking back to the couch. Luckily the other two boys beside him were too busy on their own devices to pay attention to what happened.

It took a few seconds before your phone lit up with a text.

jisung: oh

jisung: me too

jisung: wanna cuddle?

You rolled your eyes still a bit moody but quickly typed nonetheless.

you: yes

jisung: wait

jisung: i was joking

you: oh 

You paused briefly, unsure of what to say next. Now what. 

jisung: fuck it lol

jisung: bathroom? 🫠

Your eyes glanced up from your phone, and Jisung casually stole a look at you before setting his phone back down. It was like you both knew what the answer was going to be. Almost immediately after, you stood up and told the boys that you were going to the bathroom. 

You were very, very restless. 

But the second you stepped out of the room, you realized that you didn't know where anything was. Maybe this would be the perfect time to reflect on your poor, polluted thoughts from earlier. 

“Y/N?” A familiar voice suddenly called out.

You turned to the voice at the end of the hallway behind you, and soon after, you took a stumble backward. It was Seungmin and Hyunjin. 

The same voice, which was Seungmin’s, spoke once more. “Thank God we found you! We’ve been lost for the past ten minutes walking around this building.” His hands carried two brown bags and he made his way to you. “Where are the boys?” 

You were still quite startled by the sudden sight. Then everything processed once Hyunjin took his first step towards you. You looked absolutely disgusting right now. Your hair was a mess, your body was engulfed with a hoodie that was quadruple your size, and you probably still had morning face—you just didn't feel too good about yourself.

The two of them finally met you where you stood, frozen. “Oh—um… hey guys,” you coughed out. Gosh, you were making it so awkward.

“Hi,” Hyunjin waved at you with his usual dimpled smile. His hands were full as he held a cup tray of sodas.

“So, do you know where the room is?” Seungmin prodded, impatiently. 

You swallowed, your eyes struggling to break away from admiring the long-haired boy. “Y-Yeah sorry. It’s just down there.” You pointed over at a door on the right side of the hallway. 

Seungmin thanked you shortly after and headed towards the door. It took him a couple of seconds before he realized Hyunjin wasn't by his side but rather, still in front of you. 

“You coming?”

Hyunjin looked over his shoulder, “Hm? Uh, in a sec. You can head in without me.” You could hear the ice in the sodas clink together as he turned back to face you.

The beanie Hyunjin wore prevented his hair from getting into his eyes. The color was periwinkle and it complimented his skin nicely. 

Yeah, you definitely felt and looked like shit. 

Silence followed subsequentially after Seungmin disappeared behind the studio door. You cleared your throat, “I didn't know you were back.”

His eyes brightened a bit when you spoke. Usually, he had to be the one to start the conversations when it came to you. “I came back last night.”

You nodded slowly, wanting to hear more about it. “How was home?”

“I mean, it was nice seeing my family and KKami,” he shrugged, “the weather wasn't too cold either, so that was nice.”

He paused, trying to think about what more he could say. 

“... Ah—and I worked on my art a lot! I would love for you to see it.”

“Oh…” Your eyes grew slightly bigger at the second half of his response. “Me?” You were feeling like you didn't hear him properly. 

“Yes! When you have time, of course,” he nodded giving you a warm smile. “But um… art aside, overall, I missed everyone a lot,” he proceeded to say regarding the conversation. He felt himself getting off track.

You wondered who fell under the category of everyone.

It had been so confusing these past few weeks with Hyunjin and you weren't too sure about what he was thinking. Maybe before you would have had an inkling, but now? You had no clue.

All you knew what that every time you looked at him you were sure of how you felt. You’d passed by each other and your heart raced and you were sure of how you felt. One day he was acting cute with you and the next it was awkward and you’d never speak. 

“I’m sure everyone missed you too, Jinnie.”

It just made you unsure about everything on his end. He was never yours to begin with, but you couldn't live without him. 

He laughed softly, “So does that mean you missed me then?”

You sucked in a breath, quietly, unsure of how to respond. Was he flirting? You weren't too sure if this was considered that. He was probably being nice… just like he was nice for inviting you to see his art.

Just as you were about to answer, the studio door opened, revealing Jisung.

His eyes instantly widened as he took in the view of the both of you, “Oh—um, sorry.” He suddenly felt bad for interrupting your time with Hyunjin. He quickly walked back into the room not bothering to wait for the both of you to respond.

You and Hyunjin both looked at each other for a moment before deciding to follow Jisung into the studio. Whatever was left of your slightly awkward conversation soon died out and suddenly you didn't need to go to the bathroom anymore now that Hyunjin was here.

Once entering, Seungmin was in the process of unpacking the food he had bought for everyone out of the bags. The smell alone made you want to smother him in a big hug because you were starving. You hadn't gotten a proper meal today yet because of how late you and Jisung were and there just wasn't any time for that beforehand.

By the time everyone sat and ate, the room was full of conversation. It seemed to be a mutual understanding between both you and Jisung that you both just weren't going to be needing the bathroom anymore anytime soon. 

It was pretty obvious by how you sat beside Hyunjin and nearly laughed at everything he said.

Jisung was pretty sure that whatever it was that had you laughing so loudly every other minute couldn't have been that funny. He was a much better comedian than Hyunjin. Well, that's what he liked to believe anyway.

Soon enough everyone took the lunch break a bit too much to their leisure because Changbin was currently standing at the front of the room—with Chan by his side as his special assistant—in the middle of a game of charades. 

This was obviously not the time for it, especially when the boys had paid money for this room to get work done. But a few games didn't hurt. 

Changbin grabbed spun Chan around so everyone could see his back, and smacked his butt. 

“Bin, you’re clearly mimicking Minho.” Seungmin blandly said immediately, which made everyone laugh. “Who else smacks ass?”

The boy sighed dramatically in defeat before plopping down on the couch. “You guys could’ve at least tried to act like it was good.” He took a long sip of his drink before speaking up, “Hyune, you’re next,” he called out. “Make it hard or else Seungmin’s going to win.”

Seungmin gave Changbin a quick sarcastic smile before directing his attention to his phone. 

“I’m not good at this,” Hyunjin complained, laughing. He stood near the producing tables in an effort to somehow mimic one of the members of 3Racha someway. He was honestly just going to make it up on the spot.

Which he did… sort of. It was just really, really bad.

Changbin looked at the boy confused, “You need to be a little clearer than that my guy.”

“Take it easy on him,” Chan chuckled. “Just try it again Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin grabbed a pair of headphones from the table, not realizing that the wire had tipped over Jisung’s drink. It wasn't until his eyes caught a glimpse of the white cup on its side and sheets of paper starting to darken from the liquid seeping through it that he gasped.

"Oh shit!” He set the headphones back down and quickly picked up the cup hoping to prevent any more damage. But honestly, it was already too late.

Chan immediately stood up, speeding over to the scene. It took him a moment before he slowly lifted a notebook and looked over at Jisung who was busy listening to whatever nonsense Changbin had to say. 

And as Jisung caught a glance at Chan’s expression, his lingering smile faded when he realized the notebook Chan had in his hands was his, except completely soaked with soda. 

He shot up from his seat to see what happened and his heart almost broke at the sight. He saw his notebook—the one which housed literally every song from the past few years, ruined. There was no way this actually happened. He had to be dreaming. 

“Hanji—Shit—I’m so sorry!” Hyunjin felt terrible.

Your eyes widened and you walked over to them to see what the commotion was about.

Jisung was completely silent. He honestly had no words. He was just overwhelmed with so many emotions and was afraid that if he did speak, he’d regret what would come out.

You gasped, as you watched him carefully go through the pages to see how much was destroyed. “Ji…” You knew how much this meant to him.

He sighed and closed his notebook, setting it right back down on the wet table. 

And he walked out of the room.

Hyunjin’s face was pale, all the color basically sucked out of his face. This was all his fault, he thought. Why did he always have to go and ruin everything?

Chan swallowed, not knowing how to break the silence that overtook the entire room. He honestly never saw Jisung that angry before—neither have you. He was silent, not showing an ounce of emotion, and simply just left.

The tall boy began to panic. “What do I do? I fucked up—”

"It was an accident,” Chan sucked in a breath of air, picking up the notebook from the mess again and setting it off to a drier side of the table. He also knew how important this was for Jisung but he saw no point in shaming Hyunjin for it. It was already done. "Ahh... Binnie, can you grab some napkins? Let me go and check up on him.”

And you were about to offer to take his place and talk to Jisung yourself, but Chan already walked out of the room.

There was music that sounded loudly throughout the entire apartment. 

It was nearly eleven at the night and soon enough your neighbors would start knocking at the front door because of it.

“What the fuck is he still on about?” Minho grunted as he stood up from the sofa. He was in the middle of trying to finish his show. 

Your bedroom door was open so you glanced over at Minho from where you were seated at your desk, and watched him as he went and knocked on Jisung’s door. 

Ever since the incident at the studio, Jisung had been so quiet—completely silent in fact. You felt like you were walking on eggshells around him for the first time in your life and it scared you because you never saw him like that before.

Usually, when he was upset, he’d get over it after a day or two. But now it had been almost a week since and you didn't know how to tackle it.

Sure, you’ve definitely been mad before—definitely too many times to count—but you always had him to help you out of it. He’d always suffocate you with hugs, bring you food, and refuse to leave your side until you cracked a smile. 

But now that the situation was flipped, you weren't sure if acting all bubbly and joking around would help him feel better the way it had always worked on you.

Minho knocked again much more adamantly, “Jisung.” Still nothing. “We will get a noise complaint if you don’t turn your stupid music down.”

A few moments later, the music stopped and Jisung swung his door open. He brushed past Minho, who furrowed his eyebrows at the boy's borderline rude demeanor, and then proceeded to zip up his coat and put his shoes on by the door.

Where was he going?

Once he walked out, the apartment fell silent. You felt like a bystander, especially by the way you watched this all happen from your room.

If this was what he was like when he was mad, order would never be restored on Earth. There was no way.

The remaining boy, let out a loud breath, sitting back down on the couch and pressing resume. “I’m trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt but…”

“I know,” you sighed. You understood where both of them were coming from. Jisung had been acting out irrationally ever since and it was so irresponsible. He hadn't even been replying to Chan or Changbin—so much so, they were worried and came over to check up on him.

But still, you felt sorry for him.

That was years of his hard work down the drain. 

You grew worried about him now, wondering where he actually went. He probably shouldn't be alone out in public and you were afraid he’d get into trouble somehow. Maybe he went to the roof? You were name-dropping a few places in your mind, but the roof seemed like the most plausible option.

Standing up from your chair, you grabbed a hoodie and threw it on. Before leaving your room though, you made sure to grab the new notebook you had bought for him a couple of days ago. You weren't sure if he already had a new one by now, but you still wanted to give him it just in case.

You walked over to the front door to put on your shoes and Minho said, “Let me know when you find him.” 

Of course, Minho was still upset with Jisung’s behavior, quite frankly he wanted to explode, but he was still his best friend. He knew that this was just his own way of coping with what happened.

You nodded, giving him a light smile before heading off to the rooftop of your building. You really hoped Jisung was there, frankly, you honestly had no other locations in mind that made sense.

He rarely went out and when he did, it was to his friend's houses. But since you already knew that he wasn't actively talking to any of them, that wouldn't be the case.

Once walking out of the elevator, you heard soft faded sounds of music playing from the farthest end of the roof. You smiled to yourself softly, quickly realizing that it had to be him. 

You quietly walked over to him, sitting down beside him without a word. He was in the middle of taking a hit from his pipe, later blowing out the smoke. And now that you were there beside him, you honestly didn't know what to say. You didn't think that far ahead.

He glanced over at you, offering his pipe which you gladly accepted. You placed the colorful glass in between your lips as he lit the weed that was inside of it. 

None of you said anything yet and for the first time, you felt an awkward tension arise between the both of you. You weren't good at consoling other people. It was just something that you struggled with your whole life. 

So after taking a hit, you breathed out a simple, “I’m sorry.”

After a few more moments of silence, Jisung lightly scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“No, I’m sorry. You didn't deserve that,” you frowned. “How can I help?” He shook his head, releasing smoke into the cold air again. “Seriously, Ji I—”

His voice snapped and was much sterner this time around, “Stop it, Y/N. It doesn't matter anymore. It’s done and there's no going back now.” 

You flinched at his tone and immediately his features softened once he realized. 

“I…” He sighed. This was why he had been avoiding everybody. He didn't want to blow up or say anything that would make anyone feel bad. It would've made him feel even worse—seeing you now, made him feel worse. “I’m sorry. I really don't know why I’m like this.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay. I know I’ve been annoying and I feel like shit knowing I’m stressing everybody out,” he quickly refuted. “I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I’m upset. I can’t not be upset.”

Within these past few days, he had been going through trials and tribulations. He knew Hyunjin didn't do it on purpose so he couldn't be too mad at him about that. He was just upset. And it was stupid because he was upset at Hyunjin more for stealing your heart away than ruining all the work he had down for the past few years.

It annoyed him so much because of this. 

Hyunjin stole you and now the only other thing Jisung had for himself—his music. 

He took a deep breath to himself, feeling a bit lightheaded now from all the weed he had smoked. 

And he guessed that was how a person knew they loved someone: when their heart ached; when their stomach dropped; when their lungs felt like they were caving in, just because of the thought of them with someone else.

You placed something on the faux grass that suddenly captured his attention: a new notebook. “I know that it may not have everything your old one had, likewise, it never will—but I hope that you could at least make new memories with it?” You suggested.

His quiet music still played from the speakers of his phone and he could've sworn to himself that the world was moving in slow motion. Any normal best friend would've gotten their grieving friend another notebook if that was the reason for the sadness. It’s obvious. 

But, the gesture was too much for his heart to handle. Especially when he was this high. Especially when he was this upset about himself—and you—and Hyunjin—and life.

Immediately his heart rate increased. “I love you,” he blurted out. 

You laughed sweetly, not paying attention to the weight of his words. “I’m glad you like it, Sungie.”

“Too much—I love you too much,” he continued, quietly this time. 

You shoved his shoulder gently. “Quit it. You're making me blush.” You tried to make the conversation turn into something light-hearted. Something you hoped to help his mood.

But he was slightly feeling even worse. You weren't taking him seriously.

After talking with Chan that one night a few weeks back, Jisung had tried his best to get you out of his mind. But even still, he found himself thinking of you late into every night, hoping that there was a chance that you might’ve fallen asleep thinking about him, even for a second. 

He found himself making lists in his head of what new things made you laugh every day, just so he could hear it more and more. He found himself unable to look away even when you were just carelessly reading a book; sometimes, especially then. 

He could not erase your beauty from his mind, because the moment he'd look at you from that different perspective, he could not go back. After seeing you as beautiful, he could never again just look at you with indifference.

So he kissed you—without warning, without permission, without even deciding to do it but simply because he couldn't have done anything else—he kissed you. 

He was in pain, hurting, and all he wanted to do was feel you—you were the source of quite literally everything good and bad in his life. And he needed that breath you were holding because it belonged to him, and he wanted it back. So much so that he kissed you deeply enough that as he fought for what was his, you forgot whose air you were breathing.

The smell of your hair, the taste of your mouth, and the feeling of your skin seemed to have gotten inside him, moreover, into the air all around him. You had become a physical necessity.

"Ji…" You mumbled against his lips. 

You were on the roof with a beautiful boy, and he was trying to tell you that he loves you, but you didn't care to listen. He loves you, you know?

The formerly quiet music was now concealed by both of your loud breaths. Once he moved his mouth to suck onto your delicate neck, lightly biting, that's when you whimpered, unable to keep your composure. 

Seemingly so, it affected him the same because he pulled you on top of him so you straddled his waist. He didn't like the space between you and him. He moved his lips against your jaw, and your chin, and painstakingly slow down the left side of your neck until he was kissing the hollow at the base of your throat.

"Jisung." You breathed out again, your eyes beginning to feel heavy from the sensual feeling between your thighs. You weren't expecting this to happen. He tugged at your hoodie, beginning to pull it off, but you jumped at the sudden contact of coolness hitting your exposed skin. "Shit– Ji, we can’t," you whispered, pulling your hoodie back down.

"Why not?" He asked. 

“Because.”

He tilted his head up slightly to look at you, his hands continuing to explore underneath your hoodie. “Because?”

Seconds later, his lips hovered themselves against yours again, lightly brushing over them. He gave you the one thing that you wanted most. He made you feel desired. You knew it was wrong but the very thought of his hands gliding up against your bare torso and touching you made you blush in all the right places.

“Honestly I thought you’d participate more,” he hummed. You moved your hips against his very much clear hard-on and he bucked his hips. "Fuck." He caressed as much of you as he could reach and kissed you hard. Tightening every muscle in his body. He had to force himself to not go back downstairs and throw you on his bed. 

So what if Minho saw?

He wanted to go slow with you, for his sake. But it was just so hard. He wondered if there would ever be a time when he’d actually need foreplay to get hard with you.

You let out a half-chuckle, amused by how affected he was. “I'd participate.” You stopped grinding your hips and pushed away his hair from his forehead, endearingly. "But not today.”

It didn't quite hit him that he had basically confessed that he loved you until he felt you try to move from off his lap. His grip around your waist tightened. 

He wondered if it could be so hard for you to love him. 

Maybe tonight wasn't the night for you to know that. Maybe someday he’d tell you again, but instead, he’d write it and put the message in a bottle and throw it into the ocean hoping it would somehow reach you when the timing was right. 

“Can we just stay like this?” He asked, suddenly afraid to look into your eyes. “Please.”

You gave him a warm smile, nodding. 

He bit the inner corner of his cheek and squeezed his eyes shut in hopes of it maybe stopping him from saying anything he’d regret tomorrow. He leaned forward, his head fitting perfectly in the crook of your neck. 

“Could it really be so hard to love someone like me?” he repeated to himself.

Letting out a wisp of smoke into the air, he reopened his eyes. 

“Perhaps, it is.”

You checked your phone briefly to see if Minho had texted you but all your eyes captured was the time displayed. You began to get lost in the ticking of the clock you had imagined in your head.

“It’s 11:11 make a wish,” you whispered, setting your phone back down. You wrapped your arms around his neck to hug him closer and squeezed him a little tighter. 

“I’ve got mine,” Jisung replied instantly and you were too curious to keep yourself from asking what wish provoked such a quick response. “Can I tell you?” He questioned, wondering if sharing a wish truly kept it from coming true. 

“I don't know, write it down in your new notebook and tell me in a month,” you offered.

“How about in 20 years?” He asked with a contagious smile that you knew was there although you couldn’t see it.

You rolled your eyes, laughing. “Sure, that works too.”

He lifted his head from your neck and pulled away slightly. He stared at you while you were in the middle of asking him if he had felt better now, but the look in his eyes made you pause, "What?" You asked self-consciously.

He shook his head lightly. "Nothing," he said, maddeningly. You scrunched your nose in distaste. "I just," he said slowly, carefully. "I just want to hang out with you my whole life. You know?”

You made your way to the art studio with your hands both carrying a coffee each and with a pastry bag hugged against your chest. It was raining and you probably looked ridiculous without an umbrella, but you didn't mind as you were on your way to see your man that wasn't your man but was at the same time. 

It was complicated. 

Surely, the both of you hadn't been spending nearly as much time as before. But, you had hoped that now that he had invited you back to the art studio, things could go back to how they were.

Finally arriving, you used your shoulder to push open the parted door of the art studio since your hands were clearly already occupied. As you opened the door, Hyunjin turned his head to meet you, and his pink lips automatically curved into a smile. 

Then, it took him half a second before gasping at the sight of you basically drenched from the rain.

He quickly stood up from his stool to assist you, "Oh no!" He helped you by taking the coffee and pastry bag from your hands and setting them down on a nearby table. “Let me get you an extra sweater.”

“Hyunjin, it's okay,” you waved off. “I’m not cold.”

He shook his head not wanting to hear it. “No, no—you can get sick. Wait here, let me get it from my bag.”

It took him a minute before locating his extra sweater from his dance bag. He quickly draped it over your shoulders and your heart did that thing again. The thing where it sped up ever so instantly. You were entering dangerous territory by having his clothing encompass you like this. 

It smelled too much like him.

He gave you a dimpled grin, "Thank you for bringing these. You really didn't need to… especially since you got soaked in the process."

You chuckled, “Don't worry about it. I hope the pastries survived.”

He passed you one of the coffees you had brought. "They should be okay.” 

It didn't really hit you until now that you were back at the place where you kissed Hyunjin for the first time. It had been a while since it happened and you couldn't help but feel your mouth grow dry from the thought of reliving it. 

You took a sip of the lukewarm drink and looked at him.

It didn't take long for you to see the boy of your dreams staring right back at you, with his smile so wide and bright. He held a big canvas in his hands, ready to show you, and you felt content. You felt secure and safe around him. And when he looked at you, he made you feel so whole.

And it was simple, really. You wanted the feeling. 

The feeling where the world stopped and started all at the same time. You wanted to feel the rest of the world fade away when that one person was holding your hand. You wanted to know a pair of eyes in a crowd that saw only you. You wanted that warmth—the kind of love that filled every space within you and spilled out into the rest of your world. 

Coloring it with hope. And love. And that feeling that only true love can awaken in a heart. 

The feeling of being whole.

Although his look alone could make you feel an adrenaline rush like you were high off him, there was something about the way he watched you as you were busy observing his work. It was like you had years of artistic experience and it was your opinion that only mattered to him. 

It was almost six in the evening and there you were, still sitting beside him on a stool while he explained what everything meant in his piece. It was exciting and meaningful and pure—it was him. 

He stopped speaking for a second, noticing your sudden gaze on him. You were too busy in thought. You really couldn't pinpoint a single flaw on his face. 

He let out a breathy chuckle, "If you’re looking for a way out, I can stop." He didn't take much offense in it as art could sometimes be boring after a while, but you shook your head rather swiftly in response.

"No! I’m awake,” you cleared your throat. “I was just looking at you," you confessed bluntly.

He laughed loudly, his head dipping back slightly. "You're cute."

“You’re cute too.”

"I guess we make a pretty good team, then," he responded. You hadn't noticed how quiet the room had gotten afterward. 

It was funny how much tension could construct itself out of thin air. 

He stood up, grabbing a much smaller piece of work to replace the one you had just looked at. “Does this kind of remind you of anything?” He asked. You looked at the canvas, unable to understand what he meant. He saw how confusion narrowed in between your eyebrows and he giggled. “It's based on the book I gave you a while ago.”

You looked away and took a few moments to think to yourself before meeting his eyes. They were the ones that didn't seem to stray away from you during your short departure. “I haven't finished reading it yet.”

Of course, it was the truth but, you were nearly close to doing so. You could easily depict what he was trying to express in his work but you didn't want to ruin it.

You recalled how the girl in the book didn't fall in love with the boy when she first saw him. She didn't feel any change in heartbeat. Having those feelings for a random boy that she just happened to see often never crossed her mind. 

But then the girl began to notice him, in the ways he spoke, how he chose his words carefully and politely. She began to notice how he always held the door for people and how he respected them. She noticed how he smiled at others and how he got others to smile and her. 

She noticed all of those little details and moments and combined they showed her how beautiful of a person he truly was—-maybe that’s what made the girl fall in love with him completely.

He quickly removed the canvas and flipped it over, “Oh! I shouldn't spoil it then, huh?”

A small breath left your nose and you nodded. “Yeah. You can show me after I finish, okay?”

His eye contact was goosebump-inducing as his lips began curling into a smile while he muttered a sweet, "Okay."

You wished you could explain his eyes instead, and how the sound of his voice gave you butterflies. How his smile made your heart skip a beat and how every time you were literally just around him, you felt so nervous but so complete.

You just wished that you could show him how much he meant to you. Exceptionally so, that you wished you could let him take a look into your mind so that he would see for himself just how much you were in love with him. He was your world and you honestly would’ve spent every day for the rest of your life proving this to him if you could. 

That you were wholeheartedly his. You’d always be for him. 

“Let me show you this one instead!” He offered, setting another similar-sized canvas on the easel. 

As he spoke, you looked over at him, wondering how you could begin to describe your feelings. His smile was so consuming that all you could see were the tops of his cheeks, and the fact that he could literally blind you with happiness was a perfect representation of the kind of effect he had on people. 

He made you happy.

He didn't know the spell he casted over you. He didn't know how every time you were around him it felt like you were living your own self-made fairy tale. You were detached from the world, fallen completely into his—and you never wanted to leave. 

You wanted the fairytale to go on and on, never wanting the story to end. You wanted to stay in this time and place forever, because, with him, there was nowhere else you’d rather be.

You looked at him like he was art and you held onto his words like they were falling stars. 

"You give good advice," you said shortly after he finished explaining his thought process behind this piece of work.

He sheepishly smiled, "I know."

"... Maybe you should start taking it," you looked into his brown eyes in deep thought.

"Hm?"

You shrugged, tilting your head as you thought to yourself for a couple of seconds. You knew that ever since he had come back, he was having trouble readjusting to everything here. You acted like you didn't notice but he was so close to falling apart and you didn't want him to deal with it alone. 

"I mean, you always call art beautiful and courageously mean it, but how is it that the most beautiful person doesn't realize that he too is all of those things and more?"

Maybe you were digging up a hole that he wanted to keep buried and maybe you did regret those words as soon as they left your mouth—but it was said and no matter how much you tried to somehow take it back, it was done. 

He looked down at his lap, clearing his throat as he bit down on the bottom of his lip lightly.

Maybe you did cross a line this time. "You know what, forget I said any—" you started.

"Sometimes, I don't know…I just feel like," he groaned, not appreciating his inability to form his thoughts into coherent sentences. "I just feel like I don't really matter anymore—well, not Hwang Hyunjin me, but like me, me.”

He was the boy who fed into his insecurities and starved himself of potential.

“And it’s not like it's anybody’s fault! It’s really not—it’s just…” He was struggling immensely. “I want people to be happy, I always do. But now I feel like I’ve found myself trying more.”

He never usually said much, but his mind was a storm, his creativity insatiable; he was an enigma. Truly a mystery to you, but the depths of his eyes spoke volumes. His head housed the most intelligent conversations and although he never spoke them out loud all the time, you knew it. 

He never said much, but in the end, that didn't matter. You read him so clearly and he had no idea.

You sighed, “Are you still hung up on what happened with Jisung?”

After that day, Hyunjin felt the worst he’d ever felt in a while. His thoughts were brutal. They were vicious, and mean, and picked out every flaw that he had. 

His mind always won against his heart and they became too much for him. His heart became heavy and he needed to remind himself to breathe and that he was okay—that everything was okay—clearly knowing that it wasn't at all.

“Kinda,” he exhaled before he ran his hands down his face trying to sober up his dilemma. Suddenly his phone rang and it startled the both of you.

He glanced at the contact and sighed to himself again before turning to look at you with a frown. He felt guilt wash over him as he saw the contact although you couldn’t see it for yourself.

You were too busy trying to find the words to tell him that you liked that he trusted you enough that he was willing to confide in you. 

He paused for a moment, and as you were about to say something, he beat you to it.

“I’m sorry, I need to go.”

“Can you like… stop using your phone?” You snatched Jisung’s device from his hands and hid it underneath your leg. “We’re watching a movie.”

He groaned, throwing his head back against the couch. “Well, the movie you chose is lame. Right Lix?”

Felix looked up from his phone, “Huh?”

You rolled your eyes, “You guys suck.”

It was the weekend before finals began and you had sacrificed your studying time to hang out with your friends. Felix was finally free from his theatre escapades for the semester and suggested a night of baking and watching movies. 

You weren't even too sure how Jisung managed to sneak his way into these plans. He had been spending an awful amount of time locked in his room lately, granted, he was trying to catch up on everything he lost. But today he had left for a couple of hours, probably to meet up with his friends, and somehow made it just in time for the movie to begin.

Yet, of course, they took you for granted and clearly wasted your time though.

Felix set his phone down, throwing an arm over your shoulder. “Okay, I’m sorry! I’m done.”

You squinted at him, testingly. “Really?” He nodded and gave you a pinky promise.

“Okay, wait—why won't you take Felix’s phone too?” Jisung pointed out from the side. You shushed him before redirecting your attention back to the movie. 

In their defense, the movie was actually pretty bad. You didn't want to agree with them though because technically, it’d be your fault for choosing a horrible film then. 

As a matter of fact, before watching the movie, you wished Minho hadn't been busy preparing for his dance final so he could stay and spend time with you all. But now, you were thankful he had other plans. He would’ve eaten you alive for wasting his time like this.

Once the movie came to an end, Felix ran to the kitchen to check on the brownies. 

Jisung held his palm out to you, “Phone please.”

“You’re so annoying.” You chuckled, placing it into his hand nonetheless. “This is why you don't have an ‘M’ on your palm, loser.”

You were referring to the old childhood myth behind the meaning of palm lines. 

Apparently, if the lines managed to create an ‘M’ letter, then it meant that you would get married in the future. It was stupid, you both knew it. But it was a debate you two had sometimes when you were younger.

“I might not have an ‘M’ but,” Jisung opened your hands and began to trace tiny little circles on the lines of your palm, "didn't you know? I can read palms too." He concluded it with a sarcastic gasp.

Your eyebrows rose as you looked at the boy with an amused expression, "Oh really?" He nodded and you studied the boy for a few moments not believing him in the slightest, but went along with it anyway. "Fine, what's my future then?"

"Us."

You sat up, now laughing as you threw a pillow at him. "I can't believe you just said that.”

He brought a hand up in defense, "Listen, I just made that up on the spot. You should be proud of me that I am still able to do that even though my brain is fried."

Not bothering to entertain him any longer, you joined Felix in the kitchen and the both of you snacked on brownies. As much as you wanted to say you did most of the work when it came to baking it, Felix was the pro. He had many years of brownie baking on his belt.

The both of you managed to spend the rest of the evening talking about life and honestly anything else that was interesting or new. You could tell that both of you needed it. He’d been overworking himself the entire semester so to finally be done, was so rewarding. Plus, talking to Felix was always like a breath of fresh air.

By the time he left, it was nearly ten o’clock. You weren't too sure if Jisung was still home since his bedroom door was closed and he wasn't anywhere in the living room. So, you went back onto the couch and kept yourself busy with your phone.

You should've really been studying though because shortly after, Jisung peeked his head through his door. It seemed like it was all the more reason for him to bother you.

“Is he gone?” He whispered even though it was sort of loud.

You raised an eyebrow, “Who? Felix?” He nodded. “Yeah, he just left.”

Without a word, he walked over to where you were on the couch and basically snuggled up against you—more so his entire body nearly on top of you. 

"Ji, what are you doing?" You questioned him. 

He nestled himself in a little more, "Making sure you're comfortable." 

"And how will you accomplish that by lying on top of me?"

"I won't." A shadowy grin appeared on his face although you couldn't see it. "I'm just doing that because I like lying on top of you.”

"Well, I don't," you rolled your eyes. His chest brushed against yours, sending a velvet shiver through you. 

"That's a lie."

You huffed, letting his clinginess be. This was normal Jisung behavior anyway. So, you stuck to using your phone some more. 

After a few silent minutes, the faded noise of the television still present, Jisung lifted his head up to look at you. "Just so you know, if you want my lips on any piece of you, I'm more than willing to appease you,” he said suddenly.

Your mouth dropped.

"And my willingness to comply extends to my hands, my fingers, and my dic-”

"Oh, my gosh," you cut him off. “You could’ve just said you were horny instead of listing all your… services.”

"Services?" He tipped his head toward you. "That sounds so dirty."

“Jisung.”

“Yes?”

"You're so annoying." You sighed, obviously frustrated by him.

He lightly smirked, "What? How?" You gave him a look. “So annoying, that you wouldn't walk straight the next day? Or, so annoying that you want me to get off of you?”

You couldn't help but feel the familiar chills run down your back and hit you ten times harder. Suddenly you were too desperate for his touch and taste in a matter of seconds. Desperate enough that your inner thighs begged for a kiss and you wanted his lips to make it rain.

"What's with the weird eyes? Relax, I was joking," he laughed and began to lift himself from your body.

You pulled him back on you almost immediately, "I was just thinking about how big you are."

You briefly glanced down at your joined hands. He carefully stroked the length of your palm with his thumb. And when you looked at each other again, his eyes were a little darker.

"Yeah? I'll fit you just right."

Now guiding your hand to rest over his hard-on, you felt the entire length of him. He let you, of course, but still kept a distance probably in an attempt to tease you. It was bothersome.

So you took it upon yourself and kissed your way up to the corner of his lips, and he finally turned his head and swallowed your sigh in his mouth.

The kiss was wet and rough, maybe a little annoyed. Your tongue slid against his, and a flame pulsed to life in your lower belly. Goosebumps scattered your skin and you pressed your thighs together. 

You looked over your shoulder at his bedroom. It was so close it would take maybe a few big strides to be pushed back down onto his mattress. His tongue could be on your skin in under thirty seconds.

"If you're going to fit me so well, show me then.”

He nipped your bottom lip, "I will."

In a matter of seconds, the both of you stumbled into his room, making sure to close and lock the door behind you. Minho would probably be home soon so the two of you needed to be careful.

"Kiss me," he whispered and that was all it took for you to kiss him like every fiber of your being was dying, and he was your medicine. And oh did it feel like it, because suddenly, you were more alive. You felt stronger. You consumed him like a drug, inhaling and exhaling.

People made mistakes. They kissed the wrong people and pretended to be okay. They would do anything to distract their hearts, and they would do anything to deviate it from missing someone. 

Was that what you both were doing? Surely, that was the case...

There was no doubt that Jisung had this extraordinary energy about him that consumed and calmed you all at once. The way he dismantled your defenses and challenged you at every turn helped you to become a stronger and more passionate person. And despite your resistance to admitting it, you felt capable of anything around him and couldn't help but believe that he brought out your best self.

He brought out the best in you, and you didn't mean better manners, or a sense of maturity, or whatever else this tired world expected of you. You meant that he just made you want to climb roofs, run wild, and act inappropriately, take risks, and pursue your dreams with passion and integrity. 

Around him, you were living.

And to him, you were not just the two a.m. thoughts when he was alone in his bed. You were the three p.m. laughs when he was busy with his friends, the six p.m. dinner when he was in the kitchen, and the ten p.m. songs when he was writing new lyrics. You were always on his mind.

You were the most beautiful thing he’d ever felt, and he was convinced you’d remain the most beautiful thing he’d ever feel. Did you know how limiting that was? 

To think at such a ripe young age he’d experience the most exhilarating person he’d ever meet, and he’d spend the rest of his life just… settling. To think he tasted the most natural rawest form of sugar and everything else would be refined and synthetic. 

That nothing beyond this moment would add up. That all the years beyond him could not combine themselves to be sweeter than you.

He grabbed the back of your neck and then kissed you deeper and slower. He kissed you until your heartbeat continued to throb between your legs. A frenzy burned through your blood. 

You pressed your body to him, tracing your nails down his clothed stomach, and tugged at the belt loop of his pants. He made a rough sound in his throat, but his lips began to slow down against yours. 

When you realized he was pulling away, you moaned in frustration. 

His thumb brushed over your mouth. "Are you sure you're in love with Hwang Hyunjin?" His tone was ridiculing and teasing. 

"I am," you protested trying to close the distance between your lips again. 

You were surely acting like it, he wondered. He stifled a light laugh and you could feel the coolness of his breath against your face. “Then tell him.”

And it wasn't until later that night he regretted even bringing Hyunjin up. He was prepared for what was to come, but it still hurt.

The both of you lay in Jisung’s disheveled sheets, finally clothed again. 

"Jisung?" You voiced out, your fingers traced his arm lazily and you were trying to fight off the heavy slumber you felt dawn over you.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever regretted it?" You asked.

He paused for a moment. “Regretted what?”

“You know… kissing me… sleeping with me. All of it.”

"Of course not," he stated. Even though he wasn't too sure what the truth wholly was. No matter how happy you made him, he believed that there would always be a part of him that kind of regretted everything. "Why would you even think that?" 

You shrugged and settled your head on his shoulder. "I—I’m not sure. I guess it’s just—" 

That night you let him see what made your world spin. And for you, those were your dreams. 

But not just any dreams—dreams about love and passion. You shared with him your words and your feelings. There were quotes, stories, and hopes. All the inner workings of your mind were captured in these dreams. Dreaming about the boy you loved was the only thing that kept you sane. 

You turned Hyunjin into a metaphor and thought of him as everything from a drug to a hurricane.

And there you laid, legs entangled, speaking about a boy that you loved again to another who struggled to cope with his own feelings. Your eyes glistened as you spoke of Hyunjin. You spoke about him like he would move mountains for you. 

But Jisung, he would've moved mountains for you too. You didn't know that though. You would never know that. Because as he gazed at the galaxies in your eyes like star watching was one of his favorite things to do, you were too lost in your thoughts of another to notice anything. 

You loved Hyunjin’s everything just like Jisung did—but with you. He guessed, the only difference was that he knew you wouldn't have chosen him.

So that night, you smiled and leaned on Jisung’s shoulder, half-clothed, as you told him your masterpiece. It was breathtaking. It was you—undeniably you. 

You giggled and turned to him and placed your finger against his lips—and all he could think about was what it would've felt like to have you say all these things about him. 

But then you said, "I want to tell him." Your voice was so quiet and he realized just how still the whole world felt as your breaths became the same.

His heart stopped. “Oh.” He didn't expect you to take to his advice from earlier. It happened in the heat of the moment and he wasn't thinking straight. It was a joke. And part of him began to hope that you were joking with him too, calling the whole thing off—to take it back right now. 

“Well,” he scratched the back of his head, “He better not be an idiot. I hope he knows he’s got something special.”

Jisung wouldn’t show it, and he really hoped you couldn’t tell either, but it felt like a ton of bricks were laid perfectly on top of his heart. 

You laughed weakly as you still felt tired. "It’s just—” You were stuck over how to ask him. “How do you know when it's over though? That it wouldn’t work out?"

Sleep crept up to your eyes and you closed them, letting them rest. “Just for a moment,” you told yourself. 

The boy beside you heard your breaths get heavier and gazed down to see that you had fallen asleep before he could even answer. 

A sad smile crept onto his lips and he softly pressed a kiss to your temple. 

"It's in the silence.”

The last dance practice for the semester had just come to an end and you were in between the idea of either throwing up your lunch or just running away forever. Neither seemed really plausible though considering you actually enjoyed your lunch and you had your last final tomorrow, so you needed to be present. 

Either way, you were nearly about to defy all things appropriate and dissipate with good reason, of course.

Confessing. You nearly struggled to breathe for a moment. It shouldn't be too hard. Hyunjin had to feel something for you, right? After all, you both had been through together—all the memories—he had to. 

Before, it sounded insane to even contemplate, but your mind otherwise convinced itself that something was definitely there. All the talks, laughs, glances across the rooms—something had to be there.

And as much as you wanted to call it bluff just so it wouldn't get your hopes up too much for when the truth came out, you couldn't bring yourself to do so. No matter how many times you fell into your thoughts, they all somehow reminded you about everything beautiful that came along with him—Hyunjin.

His soft skin, his scent, the crescents in his eyes that shined a bit too much it was almost blinding. He was endearing and captivating, and everything you had ever wanted. Surely, the most exquisite in human form. 

He had to feel the same.

You found yourself outside of the dance studio knowing who was waiting behind the door, and you shuttered at the thought of leaving the room either the happiest girl in the world or the saddest. 

You didn't want to sound too selfish, but you wanted him all to yourself. And it was with that desire, you felt the need to confess. 

Sure, your late-night conversation with Jisung somehow, someway, made you actually want to pursue it. A part of you was bluffing when you told him that you would do it—you were half asleep in fact. You were hoping for your friend to talk you out of it—out of the so-called crazy idea—but he didn't.

And now that you were separated from Hyunjin by only a door, you couldn't help but want to take the easy way out of it, which was simply just leaving.

But you were bound to tell him at some point, regardless of Jisung’s input—regardless of your nerves and lack of confidence.

Well, that’s what you liked to believe anyway. You just didn't expect it to be so soon.

You hesitantly opened the door, walking in to be greeted by the boy that you couldn't ever stop thinking about. Although practice had already concluded a while ago, he was still in the middle of the empty studio in the midst of practicing. You wanted to simply melt onto the ground as you locked eyes through the mirror. 

He was a symbol of your weakness.

He didn't have to do anything to make you fall for him, and you didn't fall for him because of what he could or couldn't do for you. You fell for him simply because he was unapologetically himself—you fell for him for everything he was and everything he was not. 

He was so perfectly flawed, but also perfectly himself. 

He turned around to face you, "Y/N?"

You were still by the door, scared to fully make your way into the room. "Hey..." Your eyes trailed him as he headed towards his bag.

"What are you doing here?" He grabbed a water bottle from inside. It gave you enough time to make your way to him, slowly, at your own pace. He took a long sip, parting from the bottle with a soft smile. “I thought you were studying for your exam.”

You exhaled lightly, letting out a breathy laugh. "Yeah, I was going to."

He placed the clear bottle back into his bag and peered over at you. Slightly knitting his eyebrows together, he refocused his attention back toward you. “Do you want me to help you?”

“Huh? No, no… that’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I’m just messing around in here before the studio closed for the semester but I can make some time—”

You shook your head, “Jinnie. I…” Your train of thought was faulted by the look in his eyes. He waited for you to finish but he distracted you. Was he aware of how you just couldn't speak anymore?

You just didn't understand how anybody could look the way that he did. He had the prettiest eyes and the warmest yet most killer stare. You wanted answers. You wanted him to take accountability for it—for everything. 

But quite frankly, you didn’t even think he would ever because he probably didn't know it.

"I... I just wanted to talk to you about something,” you finished quietly. 

Hyunjin grew quite curious and it was evident in the way his eyebrows softened at your tone. He nodded before sitting on the ground and patting the spot beside him for you to join him. You sat down, both of your bodies parallel to each other.

You sighed.

He wasn't sure what direction you were headed in. Something was clearly bothering you. Many thoughts flooded into his mind as he listed different possible explanations that could've left you this way. 

“Is everything okay?” 

"Do you know what you do to me?" You abruptly stated as the butterflies in your stomach began to erupt—so much that they could've lifted you up. 

He stopped his mind from wandering further and froze. This was what was happening? 

You shouldn't be doing this. 

"I get lost in your eyes, all the time actually—and whenever I hear your name I get tripped out so easily..." 

Were you making a fool out of yourself? You really didn't know. Your mouth was just moving on its own and you lacked control. 

"—And you'd always look into my eyes and show this wide grin. I always asked why you did it, but you’d shake your head and ignore the question." You tried your best to avoid his piercing eye contact. "Maybe that's why I fell for you."

You finally met his gaze but he broke it away almost immediately. That was when you felt your heart shatter into a million little pieces like a sheet of glass. 

You thought that somehow, someway, you were getting closer to the truth and knew it. You see, deep down, a part of you always knew that nothing would really happen between the both of you. You believed that maybe those types of things were only possible in a world you could only possibly dream of. 

Surely, Hyunjin seemed to just be the person of your dreams... so much so, you felt sorry that you fell. You were so sorry. Sorry that despite his refusal to look at you now, you still found his soul absolutely enchanting, fascinating, and breathtakingly beautiful.

It took him a minute before taking a deep sigh, "Y/N."

You always dreamt of all the moments you were never going to have. You guessed that this was just your way of dealing with the fact that he didn't want you—and he probably never will. And despite how badly you wanted him to reciprocate your feelings, what you both had was ruined. 

And so you came up with a separate reality in which everything was okay, where he was by your side and where he finally would fall.

Hyunjin wanted to tell you that he knew your favorite color and your favorite book and the way you’d always talk to yourself whenever you got annoyed. He wanted to tell you that he prided himself in the fact that he memorized the way your mouth would curve into a smile. 

He wanted to tell you that he would be there for you on the bad days too. He wanted to continue to hear you laugh and see your eyes glow in gold, just to know that you were happy.  

And he really wanted to tell you too that you had completely captivated him—but instead, he sympathetically looked at you, his eyes finally meeting yours once again.

He knew that you both couldn't be together because he was supposed to be in love with someone else, and well because, someone else had fallen for you too. 

Hyunjin noticed it for the first time a couple of months back that Jisung was in love with you. 

He nearly called himself stupid when he realized it. How could he have been so blind? So oblivious to everything. How could no one else realize that when you walked into the room, Jisung would suck in his breath at the very sight of you? 

There was that silence. The kind of silence Jisung spoke about. You weren’t too sure if you imagined him saying it but it didn't hurt any less.

"I-I’m sorry—I don't know why I just said that.” You were beginning to panic. 

He looked over at you, tracing every feature of your face like he had a million times before, and his heart began to beat to the rhythm of your short breaths. He turned away. “We can’t do this. I…”

This all could've been easily solved if he had brought himself to confess that he felt something for you. But he couldn't. 

It made sense to him—it all did. How you’d always admire him silently when he wasn't looking. He always saw something in your eyes when he did catch you staring though; a shine of wonder. 

If only you knew how much those little moments mattered to him too. 

But now you were left confused and heartbroken by the boy who always told you that you were amazing, but seemingly enough, wasn't good enough to commit to.

"We started this at a strange time in my life,” Hyunjin said softly. “I was broken and sad and in serious need of someone to listen. I was that guy that needed someone by his side to feel validated. And you were beautiful and charming and most importantly broken too.” 

You hated how you felt like shit and you hated how he looked at you—as if he felt bad for you. 

He sighed, “I didn't realize you were just as damaged as me when I met you. But that's why we clicked, wasn't it? I was messed up over a girl—over life—and you were the one constant that made me feel sane.”

Your breathing stilled. Messed up over a girl? Until it clicked. “Bora?”

He looked at you with concern, as if he never meant to hurt you the way that he did.

“I still love her Y/N.”

It was silent for a moment before your voice broke, "Still?”

Jisung hadn't told you? Hyunjin wondered to himself. He had expected Jisung to tell you about her the second she showed up that night at the club and also at the party.

You on the other hand wished you could rid yourself of the parts of you that beg for understanding. The parts of you that desire an answer to the question, “Why did you choose her over me?” Because there was no real answer. It was never about you. He simply chose to be with her. You were an innocent casualty. 

But still, you were always going to love him more, weren't you?

Words didn't seem easy anymore to Hyunjin. Everything he’d said and will continue to say would only worsen everything. “I—uh, I met her when I was away and I just… We just fell in love and—I’m sorry.” He felt ashamed.

“Why are you sorry?” You quickly refuted. “You can’t help how you feel.” You cleared your throat, shifting in your seated position. The boy beside you could tell how much the color drained from your cheeks. "It was my fault for getting attached to you," you said and your voice cracked, "both of us knew it wouldn't have worked out anyway.”

His heart stung. 

He wanted to tell you everything that you wanted to hear—to make you happy. To tell you that he felt the same way, unapologetically. But he couldn’t—not when he knew couldn't be the guy you needed him to be.

If he told you that, you would've told him that anything he did would've been enough and begged him to stay. To have him would make you throw away quite literally any sense of morality just because he was who he was, and you loved him because of that. 

Every day you woke up and thought about him, and you hated it. Why did you have to be the one to get so attached? It didn't seem fair.

And it wasn't right—Hyunjin knew that. So he wished that you’d become full of so much happiness that it healed every part of you. There was a whole world out there waiting for you. Great cities and art and music. Genuine beauty, and you could have it all, but without him. 

You guessed, deep down, you both were bound to end, and he would be the one to end it. You just kind of hoped that maybe he would have loved you too—enough to fight against it, you know? 

He pulled you into his chest and you didn't fight it. You were in the process of growing numb. "I care about you Y/N, I will always be here for you,” he assured you while gently running his fingers through your hair. 

Hyunjin was everything you needed, but you weren't that for him. You knew he cared about you, but you also knew that he didn't care enough to try. And yet, you didn't know which was worse.

You should have never texted him that one day that led into another and another and soon became a daily thing, morning and night, to text him and pray he would respond as fast as he did. 

You shouldn't have ever gotten your hopes up as high as you did when Jisung told you there was the slightest chance that Hyunjin was interested in you. You should have never kissed him back that night in the art room; it wouldn’t have led to even more hope. 

Then maybe it wouldn’t hurt this bad.

Hyunjin only wanted you when it was okay for him. You were the second option. You were his backup when he had nothing else to do. You were the one he’d give up for someone else. Easily replaceable. 

His second option.

But knowing this didn't change the fact that now when you pictured him and Bora together, you wondered why it was her instead of you; and when you thought of him holding her hand, you wondered why it was her instead of you; and when you imagined him kissing her lips, and touching her face, and lying in bed beside her at night, you wondered why it was her instead of you.

When you thought of the moment when he chose to share his life with her instead of you, you couldn't help but analyze your components, piece by piece, in an attempt to figure out which fault of yours led him to that choice.

You really wanted to be her. You so badly wanted to be her. 

Yet, tables tended to turn quite quickly on this Earth now that his presence was no longer on your plate, how bitter. And now you were left a mess wondering if you had ever meant anything to him at all.

Letting him hold you, you whispered something that confused him, "No, you don't care. But that's okay."

It didn't take too long for Jisung to get back home that night. 

You had locked yourself in your room for the rest of the evening, hearing Minho come and leave the apartment every so often. You were hurting so badly that you were even desperate enough to sacrifice Minho knowing everything, just so you could cry your heart out and be heard by someone. 

But that was easier said than done. If you had to tell Minho the entire story, it would have opened your wound even more. Plus, if you were being honest, he probably didn't even think that you were home to begin with. Usually, he’d call out for you or knock on your door, but he didn't.

So instead of bringing yourself to his attention, you rather continued to fester in the darkness of your room, trying your best to deal with everything alone. And you were attempting—like really, really trying to do it so you could push the thought of Hyunjin out of your mind. 

But with a knock at your bedroom door, everything was ruined.

You stayed silent for a few moments, looking at the dimly lit white-framed door. 

“Y/N.” Jisung muttered, lightly knocking once more. “What’s going on with you? I’ve been texting you all night.”

You weren't too sure of what to respond with. You hadn't been on your phone since everything happened and you were pretty sure it was still somewhere at the bottom of your school bag.

“I know you're in there, your sneakers are by the front door.”

Wiping your wet nose, you rolled your eyes. He was so stupidly annoying even at a time like this. He’d never let you rest over your damaged sneakers.

You stood from where you sat and walked over to unlock the door for him. As much as you wanted to be alone, there wasn't any reason to hide yourself from Jisung. Not like this—not anymore. He knew everything about you and he’d continue to do so, always.

When you opened the door, he immediately noticed your tear-stained cheeks and his heart dropped. Had you done it?

You tried your best to smile at him. "Hi, Sungie." 

It was so much easier to act like none of it mattered, and to pretend to wear a smile than to confess that your heart was broken from losing someone who was never even yours to begin with. 

But there didn't seem to be a reason to fake it in front of him. He deciphered everything about you within a matter of seconds. He didn't fall for your act and without a word, he engulfed you in a hug.

You didn't resist, instead, letting your body go limp as the boy hugged you. You didn't want to cry anymore, but the feeling of his arms around you made it so fucking hard. You were just so tired and drained.

The both of you stayed like that for what felt like minutes, his hands stroking up and down your back. As much as you were hurting during every moment of it, Jisung felt like his world was crashing down too. Seeing you like this, so quiet, so hidden—you didn’t deserve it.

"It's his loss," he hummed against you. 

Your heart fell for a moment. You lifted your head from against his chest and voiced your concerns quietly. “W-What?” 

He sighed, gently brushing the hair that stuck onto your forehead away. “Hyunjin. It’s his loss.” 

He wanted to tell you—to express to you that you deserved to be chosen undoubtedly over and over and over again—not merely considered. 

Seeing you like this did so much more to him than you could have ever imagined. 

But you wanted to tell Jisung that—to Hyunjin, he didn't lose anything. He just wasn't interested. It was as simple as that. He was good at making people believe that they were more important than they actually were.

Jisung was hesitant when asking, “What happened?” 

You tipped your chin back to look at him fully. “Nothing happened,” you admitted, eventually. You shoved aside your pride and felt the words scorching your tongue. “He just… didn't want me the way that I wanted him.”

You kept telling yourself that if Hyunjin wanted to talk to you—wanted to be with you, he would’ve. It’d only take a second of his time to text you, maybe even to tell you that he had made a mistake and loved you all this time. 

In all honestly, you were disappointed that he occupied your mind and that your heart still jumped whenever you thought about receiving a text or a call hoping that it was him. Simply hoping that he would tell you that he wanted you instead of her.

"And I think he knew," you continued after a while, "It just didn't matter enough for him to care."

Jisung was struggling to keep his composure against you when in reality, he really wanted to give Hyunjin the worst punch in the world for doing this to you. But what did he expect though? His friend had been seeing another girl this entire time, quite frankly, he should’ve told you about Bora to begin with. 

Was this all his own fault then?

He gently grabbed your hands, interlocking his fingers with your own. Your palms were warm—fingers so soft. It was something he always loved. 

He guided the both of you over to your bed to sit. “You know what I see?” For a few moments, he studied you, taking in your frayed tank top and bare legs.

You tilted your head, waiting for him to go on. The moonlight that peered into your room from the window dimly lit the carpet beside your bed. It gave you both just enough light to take in each other.

“I see a beautiful girl with an amazing heart and a corrupted mind,” he said.

Confusion marred your otherwise flawless features. 

He continued, “Thoughts and ideas damaged by broken promises and lies. I see a girl whose mind is constantly battling with her heart because her heart chooses to feel what her mind chooses to ignore.”

To Jisung, you deserved someone who loved you with every single beat of their heart, someone who thought about you constantly, someone who’d spend every minute of every day just wondering what you were doing, where you were, who you were with, and if you were okay. 

You needed someone who could help you reach your dreams and who could protect you from your fears. You needed someone who would treat you with respect, and love every part of you, especially your flaws. 

You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.

You paused for a short while, unable to figure out what to respond with. He was more than right—you weren't dumb. Your mind could tell wrong from right, but your heart struggled immensely to comprehend that. You really wished it did though. It would have made everything a hundred times easier.

Suddenly, the rain, which had been lightly falling all night, began to pick up in speed. You closed your eyes getting lost in the sound of it, the thought of the cold water against your skin spread peace throughout your body for a moment. 

One of Jisung’s hands remained interlocked with your fingers, and the other was caressed your bare thigh. He held you like you were his lifeline and he was scared to release you.

"You have to let it all go.” He traced his thumb over yours, still moving every so softly to keep your emotions at bay. “The way he kissed you, the way he smelled, the way he touched your waist and pulled you in. You have to try to let it go and you have to try to let him go."

“It’s not that easy, Jisung. I can’t just forget.”

You understood that love wasn't always flowers and chocolates. It wasn't always afternoon cuddles or laughing together at two in the morning. Sometimes it was crying and begging them to stay. 

Sometimes it was screaming at the wall because you heard something you didn't want to hear and a part of you just broke inside. Sometimes it was staying up all night, wondering why you weren't enough. Or it was sometimes self-doubting yourself because you wanted to know what she had that you didn't. 

“I know that,” he mumbled. “I know that it’s hard.”

You see as much as you thought you knew everything about the boy beside you, you didn't.

Jisung was aware that love was sometimes scrubbing your skin at four in the morning in the shower, trying to wash away their smell. Of course, it wasn't fucking easy. Love wasn't always romantic. It was painful and it would sometimes tear you apart.

To him, words were beautiful. To produce them, he allowed his fingers to move about in a rhythmic and rather therapeutic manner. Those movements then delivered his thoughts and emotions into the minds of human beings who couldn't be reached by the sound of his voice. 

He thought it was time for him to start understanding that you were now just one of those people that was out of his reach. He wanted to ask you what it felt like to be told you were perfect in every way and will always be taken care of. 

He wanted to convey the emotions that ripped through someone like himself. He wanted to express the hope and loyalty that was instilled inside him—the kind that was built up wall after wall, only to feel as though they were peacefully torn down by someone like you, who pulled him deeper into your love. 

“I know that it’s hard, Y/N,” he repeated, “and you’re right, it’s hard to forget.” 

You nodded, “If I could I woul—”

He cut you off. “But I just can't do it.” He bursted out, his eyes suddenly began to fill to the brim with tears. 

Your eyes widened at the sight, taken off guard by his abrupt tone and reaction. “What?” 

He shook his head and looked up to keep himself from looking at you. “I just can't watch you love him like that.” 

“Like what?” You asked, cupping his face so he could meet your eyes. You traced in his dark orbs, hoping to quickly find an answer to his unexpected outburst. “What are you talking about?”

Jisung knew you would never look at him the way you did Hyunjin. He felt like he was being selfish with his emotions now.

“Like he’s everything you ever wanted.”

And suddenly now, while you both stared at each other at that very second, he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted more, he wanted more than just looks and brushes of arms and legs and the stupid endless teasing and meaningless fucking on your end. 

He wanted to taste your lips and your neck and everything, again, like always. But this time, he wanted to pull you in and never let you go.

"I'm in love with you," he blurted out. "I’ve been for all my life, actually, but you've never noticed because you never paid attention."

Your heart dropped nearly twenty stories and you felt lightheaded. He could feel your body tense up as you sat still, slowly struggling to breathe properly. 

"I have never loved anyone as I love you." He continued, confessing. Was there a chance you could believe him this time? "I can't put it into words—there are none that come close to expressing how I feel."

You shook your head, loosening your grip against his palm and removing his hand from your leg. “Jisung, stop it. You don’t love me—”

This had to be a joke. Just like when he said it before on the rooftop—yeah, that's what it was. He saw you in your emotional state and thought this would be a funny prank to get you to laugh, right? You were still very upset from earlier so he should've expected you to not—hmm, maybe if he pulled this stunt again next week, you would’ve cracked a laugh from it.

Your mind was very convincing to you.

“I love you!” He shouted, the impact of his words lost on you. 

“Be fucking for real.” You still weren't taking him seriously. “This isn't funny.”

“Funny? I have loved you since the day I met you, and since then, you’ve been driving me crazy Y/N. My thoughts can't fucking move without constantly being drawn back to you.” Hand-dropping, his voice cracked as he continued. “You’re it.” 

You were his world. But he wasn't yours, and he would never be.

He proceeded to pour his heart out, unable to realize what damage he was creating while doing so. "It’s you. It’s always been you.” 

He was so vulnerable, and you tried your best to understand how suddenly, in a matter of seconds, his heart was in your hands. 

“I can’t describe it anymore, it is you. You are the only one that I will ever want. I belong with you. You are my home. I look at you, and somehow I can see us fifty years from now on the front porch of some old house in the middle of nowhere and we're together.”  

You stayed silent as everything ever good in your life came crashing down on you. This didn't sound like a joke anymore. And suddenly, just by searching his dark eyes from where you sat, the countless times he tried to express to you of his endless love began to show. Each time he poured his heart out to you, you never noticed. 

He paused to take a breath. “And as pathetic as it sounds, I need you. You are the only thing that matters to me. You are my only constant. You are my good."

“No, no, no. You must be confused.” You shook your head for what seemed like forever. “Please just talk to me tomorrow—”

You attempted to stand up in an attempt to open your door so he could leave but he grabbed your arm. “What?” His voice broke. You were starting to make him feel like a crazy person.

You sat back on your bed with broken stars in your eyes and burnt promises on your tongue, and you told him after a brief pause, “Jisung, you and I both know that your life would be so much easier without me.” 

He continued to sit by your side, taking your hand into his like before. He was close enough that your arms and hips and legs still touched and he said, “But not better.”

By now, your eyes were looking around at everything except his. In some measure, you wanted to cut open his mind and let yourself into the secret world he had created just for you, but, you were scared of what you would find. 

This wasn't what you had expected. It wasn't anything you could have ever imagined. Because he tried to be poetic in the way that he loved you, but it was so passionate he couldn't string words together in any way that made sense to you.

So there it was; the silence.

You wanted to speak—to answer—but words couldn't formulate your emotions the same way he couldn't describe the way it felt to have his heart ripped to pieces.

During the haunting stillness, Jisung finally figured out why it hurt so much. He was stuck in limbo, the liminal space between what you both were and whatever came next. It wasn't good for either of you.

Sure, he attempted to move on after listening to Chan’s advice but he couldn’t. It took him days of staring at the ceiling at four in the morning and numerous discussions with himself before he woke up one morning and decided that he wanted you still.

However, he knew, logically, that what you both had was done now; your silence is more than enough proof.

But he couldn't help but wonder if this time, the silence—your silence—fostered hope, that small "what-if" in the back of his mind. And even the smallest glimpse of hope was enough to keep him here in front of you, trapped in this uncertainty.

Despite how bewildered you still were, you gingerly pushed the fallen strands of hair from his eyes. He was still your best friend. Of course, you loved him. You’d always love him. 

And he was aware that he had always been just your boy friend you’d come to whenever you needed sympathy or company. Not your boyfriend, but your friend that was a boy.

“I just—I just don't deserve you,” you finally whispered. 

Of course, in a sense, he did deserve so, so much better, but all he wanted was you. He knew that he should have refrained from doing anything with you. He was doing just fine before… everything—before you came back into his life as the person he loved. 

Because loving you now was just so fucking destroying.

He opened his mouth to tell you what you didn't want to hear, but you shook your head, not letting him speak. 

Tears burned your eyes, “No, Jisung. I don't. You're so amazing and caring and someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you,” you assured him, his grip tightened around your hand. 

Please, don’t do this.

He was too pure and too sweet to love you.

Nevertheless, he wanted you to know everything. That he’d still love you through every emotional part of the roller coaster you had brought into his life. He loved you on the days that you were pleasant and kind and also on the days you were unrecognizable to him. 

He loved you through changing circumstances and the rapid movement of time. He was loving you now, even when you decided that you didn't love him. 

"I don't care," he said and he didn’t. He brought himself closer to your lips. "Do you even know?" He drew back for an instant, his eyebrows knit together. "Do you know what it's like around you? I can't..." He ran one hand through his hair and stared at you. "I can't breathe whenever you're around."

He was just so deeply in love with you, but you never cared to notice. You always cared about another boy, and not the one that mattered. He loved you so much and you took it for granted. You always went crying to him about your problems, and the boy beside you always lit himself on fire to keep you warm. 

And judging by the way you treated him, it was only a matter of time before his flame went out.

“Why didn't you tell me before?” You asked him, your eyes darted wildly across his although your vision was more than blurry by now. “You were my best friend.” 

His lips and hands shook at the sound of the cold rain pounding against your window, and his stomach turned because, at once, he struggled to find air to breathe. 

What was he supposed to tell you? That you weren't just a best friend to him? That his soul ached for you every time he wasn't busy talking? That he couldn't bear to hear you talk about him in a way that got his hopes up? 

Or was it that he couldn't watch you love Hyunjin the way you were supposed to love him?

“I couldn't bring myself to tell you,” he resulted in saying.

“Why? Because of who—Hyunjin?” You searched for an understanding. It took him a while before he nodded hesitantly at your question, afraid of how you’d take it. “But this goes way farther back than Hyunjin. You had so many years to tell me—to be honest with me.”

It was easier then. 

Before, Jisung hadn't touched you, he hadn't kissed you, he hadn't done nearly enough stuff with you. It was completely different now and he didn't think you understood that.

“I know but—”

 “Do you even know what Hyunjin said?” You continued to ask, cutting him off.

Suddenly it felt like a crime to look into your gaze. Jisung was avoiding it like a plague.

“This entire time, he had been in love with another girl,” you confessed, wincing as you relived yourself swallowing the biggest pill ever imaginable. It cut your throat and nearly made you bleed out. You couldn't believe what you were saying. 

“Bora?” His eyes finally snapped over to yours, widening. “H-He told you about her?”

You nodded, feeling the tears you’d been failing to desperately keep in, continue to roll down. “Yes, and I was so stupid and blind and I just wanted to cry and cry and cry—so I just need you to tell me the truth,” you sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore.”

You didn't want secrets anymore. You couldn't even begin to understand how your best friend had been in love with you for so many years. It didn't seem real. You didn't want to accept it.

But somehow, someway, you both were in love, he was so sure of it.

It hadn't been processed to you yet that Jisung had said the girl's name—Bora—ever so immediately as he did. You didn't think much about it until you could see the look of shame wash down on his face.

He had been keeping the information between Hyunjin and Bora from you for how long? It was pitiful and downright unacceptable considering you were his best friend. How could he tell you now?

But you wanted honesty, right? You wanted to know everything.

“If you want to know the truth,” he still couldn't even look at you anymore, “I’ve known about their… situation.”

He could hear the breath you sucked in quietly. You shook your head, unable to wrap your mind around his confession. “No, you didn't.”

Please, please, please. This couldn't be true. Please.

“Yes—”

“No. You didn't know Jisung. You couldn't have known.” You were still so adamant about not believing him. None of this was supposed to happen. He didn't know—there was no way he had known about Hyunjin and Bora this entire time. “You also can't love me, it’s not possible.”

He grabbed your chin, holding you firmly, and stared into your vacant eyes. “Please, why are you doing this? Why don’t you believe me?” He whispered to you like two children shading a secret.

You pushed his hand away, standing up from where you were sitting. “You didn't fucking make me look stupid for all these months—you didn't make me look stupid for all these years. Jisung, tell me that you didn't.” You began to break down.

You both were in love, he was so sure of it. 

“I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it, I'm sorry.” He couldn't even begin to express the guilt and the pain he was experiencing. He didn't even dare to value them either. You were all he could see. 

This was when he realized that this was a mistake.

He stood and attempted to hold your hand again, to which you took a step back. He wanted it to go back to how it was. “Please understand that I was in pain,” the words were now being pulled up from his throat like a clown’s handkerchief trick, but he was choking, “I never meant to ruin things. I never meant to ruin us.”

Part of you wanted to forgive him. You were so heartbroken because you not only lost the boy you loved earlier, but also your best friend tonight.

You knew that Jisung wasn't a selfish person, and he probably had his reasons. You wanted to see the brighter side of everything but you couldn't. Not now anyway. Not when he had told you his true feelings that he had kept a secret for so long. 

It felt as if your whole life with him had been a lie.

But he was your best friend and even if you tried with all your heart, you could never fully hate him. So the other part of you wanted to tell him that you loved him back so badly, even if it wasn't the truth. You wanted to tell this boy who you knew would give you the world if you asked, that his feelings were reciprocated, but they weren't. 

You believed that maybe could’ve been, though. They could’ve been if you weren't so hung up on someone that didn't love you. 

And you wanted to tell him that, but you thought it would’ve hurt even more.

You finally took the first step closer to him to hold his hand, just as he tried before. It was what he wanted right? He let you.

It was funny how something that should’ve felt so good could feel so bad when the circumstances weren't right. And your circumstances were definitely not right. But you squeezed his hand anyway, letting him know that you were feeling exactly what he was feeling, and you were just as torn as he was. 

Jisung dropped his forehead against yours, your eyes closing while you both just silently breathed through whatever this moment was. You could feel everything he was not saying. 

You could even somehow feel the kiss he wasn't giving you. But if you both slipped back into the moment you shared last night or even the night before, it would’ve ripped his wound open even wider, until that was all he was. 

And as much as he wanted to deny it, he knew just as much as you did that this wasn't a good idea.

So Jisung stood there, defeated, trying to break the silence, but secretly afraid that if he stayed he’d only break everything more.

With your features blurring past his closed eyes, just like how he had memorized you his entire life, he breathed out. “I’m sorry—I don't think I was supposed to tell you any of that.”

let me know your thoughts about this chapter! i’m interested to hear your opinions :) stay healthy <3

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