#mal bertha appreciation post

[nerdyvocals]

Wow, it's been like two months since I posted the Descendants 2 quotes list, and its been a month since @look-at-those-niceass-rocks and I watched D3. We're planning on watching Rise of Red tonight, so it feels like an apt time to give you the unhinged things we had to say about Descendants 3. As always, the dumbassery is under the cut. Please enjoy!

Me: They have a bigger budget but somehow everything is Worse

Bee: Her wig is worse Me: ... I don't know who you're talking about, but you're right

Mal: Not a tentacle in sight Me: That is the opposite of kinky

Honorable Mention: A much too long interlude of us trying to figure out what the timeline here is, because at times it feels like they're all much older, but others it seems like D2 *just* happened.

Bee: DOUG WHAT IS YOUR HAIR Me: Bad!

Ben: *proposing* Me: You are seventeen (I think???) Bee: You are in high school (probably???)

Me: That ring is hideous Bee: What is that leaf thing on the side???

Insert various squealing over how cute the twins are

Me: Ben, how many times do we need to have this discussion about your suits? 1. Buttons, 2. If you're not wearing a tie, you don't do the buttons that high.

Ben and Mal: *discussing closing the Isle permanently* Bee: This argument makes no sense! It would make more sense the other way around Me: Its so out of character for the both of them

Audrey: *turns Mal into a hag* Me: I feel like we need to drink for that Mal: *speaks* Bee: I feel like we need to chug for that

Audrey: *singing Happy Birthday in cursive* Bee: Oh god, she's a theatre kid

Mal (returned to normal on the Isle): Evil magic doesn't work here! Me: See, they can never decide if they're gonna stick with that Bee: Follow your own fucking rules, I beg of you

Us noting how weird the movie is, like they're trying to be grittier but the script is the most "Disney Channel" the franchise had been at that point

Mal: How big is that dog? Bee: CAN I PET THAT DAAAWG

Bee: I think I am just the right amount of drunk to appreciate this movie for what it is

Bee: *about Hades* He is so hot Me: I would do ungodly things to that man- pun unintended

Me: Also, are we just gonna gloss over the fact that Mal is a fucking demigod???

Me: So the canon up until this point (implied in the movies and explicit in the books) is that none of the Villain kids know who their other parents are, and all Mal knew was that her father was human and Maleficent was ashamed of that

Me, two seconds later: Hades had two fairy demigod children; Mal Bertha and Nico Di Angelo Bee: *chokes on drink*

Bee: Now I know there's a dramatic song here because I vaguely remember a dramatic song- oh there it is

Bee: What. The fuck. Is happening? Me: Something I'm still way too sober for

Hades: If it gets wet, it's game over! Us, simultaneously: Me too- *wheezing laughter*

Audrey: Sleep is too good for you! Ben: *drops like a sack of potatoes* Bee: Oh shit, she killed him!

Octo-Uma: *exists* Bee: Oh the budget is back!

Uma: Guarantee me that every single villain kid that wants to can get off the Island Mal: I can't do that Me: You literally can? Bee: You're the queen??

Me: Harry's costume is the only one in this scene that I like Bee: You're right Me: He should be more tits out Bee: He should have a boob window!

Bee: She (Evie) would make a great preschool teacher

Audrey: *pets Chad* Bee: He's gonna have some interesting kinks to figure out when he's older

*In the hallway* Uma: Hold up! What's this? Bee: Bad set dressing?

Mal: I wonder what fried octopus tastes like? Bee: Like you haven't eaten her before Me: *chokes on drink*

Bee: Evie is literally just sitting there looking pretty and I respect the fuck out of her for that

*During Night Falls* Me: Did they say "bitch, splat?" Bee: I think they said "pitch black", but I also heard "bitch, splat" Me: That's a better lyric

Bee: Evie actually invented gentle parenting. I'd call her mommy Me:

Uma: *talking about Audrey after reading her diary* Bee: Oh, they're in love. Like I know they haven't met, but they're in love

Bee: Oh no, my lesbian! (note: I cannot for the life of me remember what the fucking context for this was)

*In Evie's sewing room* Me: PAUSE Bee: Oh, she's (Evie) so cute! Me: Oh, I was trying to see what kind of sewing machine that is, I think it's a pfaff Bee: ...Does that count as costuming? Me: Enough for a drink, yes- Oh actually, that might be a Bernina

Me (about Evie and Doug): "I miss Bee and [Husband]" "We have Bee and [Husband] at home" The Bee and [Husband] at home

*During the introduction of Beast!Ben* Bee: *incoherent screeching* Me: I think we need a chug for that Bee: I need to drink to forget, when will he go away?

Bee: ...I wasn't gonna say anything, but that's a butt plug tail

Jane: *appears* Me: My babygirl! Bee: She gets cuter every movie.

*@ Carlos* Bee: Puh-lease give her a little smooch Me: He's so smitten, it's disgusting

Harry: Hey Jay, uh, thanks for saving me, gorgeous face~ Me: HELLO??? Bee: GAY Me: I don't remember that, that might've been something that was cut from the Disney Channel release?

Harry: *smacks Jay's shoulder* Me: It only could've been better if he smacked his ass Bee: Oh, he definitely smacked his ass. I saw him smack his shoulder, but he smacked his ass

Bee: Through the power of lesbians and rhyming couplets!

Honorable mention: Us losing it over the VISIBLE LACE of Ben's shitty fake beard

Bee: Chad was a better character in the first movie where he was kinda dumb but conniving, but now he's just dumb

(About My Once Upon a Time) Me: This song is from a better movie Bee: Right like holy shit??? This is a mid-act-two power ballad on Broadway. The way I would scream this in my car.

(Side note: the verses of the song felt out of order to me. Turns out it's sung in a different order in the movie than it is on the soundtrack)

Bee: There's something really gross about this dragon model and I can't put my finger on it Me: It looks wet Bee: Yeah! It- oh. Oh it, uh. It looks like a "bad dragon". If you catch my drift. Me: ...I'd like to go home now

Audrey: *comatose* Me: WHAT is that cover??? Bee: Is that a shroud??? Me: They changed her! They put in the effort to put her in pjs but turning her covers down was too much? Was that too inappropriate??? Bee: They left her feet uncovered!!! Dogs out for free on the Disney Channel!

Me: Another fit in which Ben needs a tie

Me (@ Hades): Dad, more like- no. Bee: Dad, more like daddy!!! I'll say it, I have enough daddy issues to Me: Bee, no

Bee: Why do they (Hades and Mal) love each other now? This relationship is unearned

Bee: (@ Beast) You gave the kingdom to a sixteen year-old, you can shut the fuck up

Jay: *making very romantic-sounding plans with Gil* Me: Which ear is the gay ear? Bee: I think it's the left??? (after Googling) No, it's the right Me: Jay has had an earring in the gay ear and only the gay ear this whole movie Bee: *screeching*

Me: In a better version of this movie, Lonnie has been here teasing the fuck out of him (Jay) about Gil the whole movie and then she eggs him to ask him out now.

Bad note for costumes, Uma is wearing a repainted Amazon corset in the final number. So much for Disney money and this movie having a bigger budget

Hades: Am I invited to the wedding? Bee: No, go away

Speaking of the wedding, we took a brief interlude there before Rise of Red

[gritsandbrits]

Okay so here's the meal deal

I'll be focusing on writing some fanfics because I've put them off waaaaay too long and honestly i don't care if it's cringe if a show like v3/ma can get made then i can write crappy fanfic

I'll also be like, avoiding certain topics&people i won't talk about. They thrive off negative attention and there's nothing i enjoy more than denying them my time.

Also!! No spam asks!! I appreciate the support but don't flood my inbox with your baggage against feminism. It is 2023 let it go.

Some projects i put on hold indefinitely so you won't see the mal bertha burn book anytime soon. I might work on the Sentinel prime analysis bc i stg I'm this close to popping a vein.

But most importantly I'm moving away towards unnecessary negativity. Both here and irl. I want to change my life for the better and tired of being stuck and angry all the time. So I'll be posting less to focus on healing.

I appreciate all the love and support!! Thank you for these last 4 years! 💕💕💕

[eviesmyspiritanimal]

Say what y’all wanna say about Mal, but I like her.💜

Furthermore, I actually have a plausible defense for most of her actions in all three movies.

First Movie

In the first movie, she was under the expectations of her mother, and she wanted to meet and perhaps even exceed them. Not only did she aspire to be as wicked as her mother (even if it was only because that was literally the only role model she had in her life at that moment), she also was obviously and visibly afraid of her mother in some cases--- note the scene in “Evil Like Me” when Maleficent slams down her scepter next to Mal and Mal actually flinches and jumps out of her skin.

Therefore, this leads me to her next supposed offense: when she spelled or “drugged” Ben. She spelled Ben because she has been raised to be ruthless and hateful, and quite honestly, after a life full of belittlement from her mother, Mal likely believed that she was not desirable enough to even try the normal way of getting a guy to fall in love with her. Therefore, “drugging” was the only option to her because of her own feelings of inferiority.

Second Movie

This carries us to the second movie. Mal’s self-esteem in concern to her new path of good was exceedingly low. She had only been there in Auradon for around six months, and people all around her were pressuring her to be something that she was not. (Interesting factoid, people don’t change their entire personalities and don’t get over past trauma and lifelong raising within the course of six months). So it is no wonder that she turned to spells. She felt that she couldn’t do all of the good stuff or meet this entirely new and foreign set of expectations without some help--- which, btw, is extremely sad and understandable 💔.

Even Evie understands this, and does not overly push the issue. True, she does not want Mal using the spell book, but this is because she believes that Mal can follow the path of good easier than Mal actually can (this is likely because Evie loves and believes in Mal wholeheartedly, and believes that she can do anything she sets her mind to 💙💜). Also, Evie--- as much as it pains me to say--- did not notice Mal’s struggle because she wanted to believe that they were living in a perfect world. It wasn’t that she purposefully neglected Mal. It was more that her subconscious did not choose to focus on it and she kept so busy with things that she did not have time to really dwell on the subject.

Also, the reason that Mal was even about to spell Ben during the picnic scene was because she was scared to death that he would find out about her incompetency and not want her anymore. This, once again, is stemming from her own insecurities. So when Ben the Bad Beast starts blowing up at her about using spells to exceed, it’s no wonder that she feels hopeless, scared, hurt, and misunderstood. Therefore, she runs away because she honestly thinks that she is doing the best thing. She doesn’t deserve this new life, Evie, Jay, Carlos, or Ben because she obviously can’t keep up with it and do what she needs to do in the proper timeframe (which was way rushed and totally unfair to Mal).

And when the VKs come back and she’s seemingly aggravated at them, she is more aggravated with the situation and worried about them. She did not want her little family and Ben to follow her to this evil place. In Mal’s mind, it is a place where bad people like Mal deserve and should have to live. She doesn’t want her Jay or Carlos to be back or her sweet Evie to be there because she wholeheartedly believes that they belong in the best place they can be in. Mal’s people deserve the best. And then she was also irritated that Ben came because she is already hurt about the fight and is also upset that the VKs did not watch over him well enough (which is understandable).

Third Movie

Now for the third movie. In the third movie, there’s a lot of screwy stuff going on (bad writers, y’all, bad writers 🙄😑), but here is what I can and will defend as well as explain. Mal wanted to close the barrier because she honestly thought that it was the safest thing to do for Auradon and also because Ben’s parents and Fairy Godmother were pressuring her to do it.

She had no reason to lie to Evie, I will admit (after all, Evie is the person that is closest to her, and yes, I do mean that Evie is closer with Mal than Ben and will always be). The only reason that Mal could have to lie to Evie would be because she did not want Evie to be upset with her while Mal was already having an absolutely horrible conflict within herself. She lied to Uma and her crew because it was the only way to save Auradon and get Uma to give Mal the only piece of power that could defeat Audrey.

Everything that Mal did as far as lying in D3 was because she loved her people and wanted to keep them safe. Wouldn’t lying and losing trust be a relatively small price to pay if you were able to keep people you love safe?

Plus, Mal apologized for what she did in D3. She apologized to Audrey, too, about stealing Audrey’s boyfriend and ruining her entire life (truly, that one should have been Ben apologizing since he actually had a history with Audrey and an obligation to apologize as a result of that said history). In the other movies, she did not really owe anyone an apology. So she apologized appropriately, and therefore we can’t keep blaming her for these things.

So that was my TedTalk for today. I just had to get it off my chest because I’m passionate about my characters, lol. Mal deserves better than what some people are giving her. But if y’all read this, and still aren’t convinced, that’s okay. We all have different opinions, and this was me presenting mine. So don’t go hating on me. 💖

[foreigndivinities]

sure it's a disney channel movie so you probably think it's cringy but the costumes. the costumes. are undeniably incredible

designer: kara saun (check out her website here)

[itsalwaysforyou]

WHEN THE WORLD IS OVER AND WE GO UNDER, WILL YOU STILL BE MINE?

geoffrey hill, broken hierarchies 1952-2012 / kenny ortega, descendants / trista mateer / kenny ortega, descendants 2 / abigail roux, crash and burn / kenny ortega, descendants 3 / hozier, nobody

[thebluestbluewords]

9 for the OTP questions? Choose any ship you’d like!

Thank you nonnie! Sorry for taking almost a week to get to this, hope you enjoy :)

Number 9-- Pirate AU: Who is the pirate? Who is the member of the royal family who did not sign up for this?

(There are two not-fics below-- rotten four as is my brand, and mal/audrey)

There’s two ways I could go with this:

either THIS is the Maldry rivals-to-friends-to-lovers fic, where Mal is a dashing pirate who is young and rebellious and was kicked off of her ship by her mother, who wants her to attend the young lady's academy on the mainland and educate herself in the ways of “proper” society so that they can infiltrate the rich ships better and get the reputation as the gentlewoman pirates that they deserve. Of course, in this fic Mal meets Audrey along the way, and hates her immediately. Seriously, this girl likes PINK and PRINCESSES but also NOT PRINCESSES because she is NOT INTO GIRLS and it’s INFURIATING.

“Mal,” says Evie, who is Mal’s best friend from the pirate ship who is actually delighted to be attending the princess academy and is learning new ways to hide knives in her fancy dresses every day “Babe.”

“Fuck off,” says Mal, who has known Evie since they were six and had a falling-out so dramatic that they sailed on separate ships next to each other for four years afterwards.

“You’re so gay for her.” says Evie, who is already hooking up with Mal in their free time because it’s easy and comfortable and they both enjoy it well enough. “I know that look, Mal Bertha.”

“There’s no look,” says Mal, sulking.

“Just ask her out with all of your dashing pirate charm.” Evie says. She has not stopped applying her lipgloss throughout this conversation, and it’s not as distracting as it should be for either girl.

So Mal goes out and picks up a new pair of boots with less bloodstains than her old ones, and rents a boat (renting is like stealing, except it’s only for a while. It’s practically borrowing, really, except for how Evie has drilling it into Mal’s mind after a few too many incidents with lost books that BORROWING happens when you’ve ASKED FIRST) and decides to turn on the full pirate charm

Audrey is not impressed, and does not break up with her boyfriend, Chad Charming, over this attempt at wooing. She is a princess, and in NO HECKING WAY did she sign up to be….harassed!! By a pirate no less!! Everyone knows who her mother really is, no matter if she’s here under an “education decree” from the “crown prince” for the “children” of the exiled *former* smuggler’s community by the coast.

….Mal steals a boat, and tries again. Only this time with kidnapping.

Audrey is impressed with the dedication, if nothing else. She may not like a pirate, but she can appreciate a girl who will dedicate at least six hours of her life to plotting and stealing a whole finishing vessel from the coast. And cook her a lobster dinner on it.

Mal is delighted by this turn of events. Evie is thrilled that she finally has time without her best friend where she can FINALLY decorate their room the way she wants. Audrey is reluctant at first, but eventually comes around to the idea of dating a bad girl.

….and also there’s a bit where Mal gets dumped in the water and Audrey, despite Not Signing Up For This Bull Crap, has to jump in and save her. From about two feet of water. Because Audrey was being a reasonable person and taking her shirt off so that she could get the full benefits of the sun. Make that vitamin D.

Mal is so gay that she walked off the side of the boat when it happened.

The OTHER answer is that it’s a rotten ot4 story, and Mal is an evil princess who gets sent away to live on a pirate ship for a year by her mother, who wants her to become more evil and also learn some leadership skills. The other three are the pirates who are supposed to teach her their wicked ways of stealing and drinking and cruelty.

Unfortunately for Maleficent’s plans, the shipping journey doesn’t go exactly according to plan.

Mal does not fall overboard this time, but what DOES happen is that the OTHER wicked princess on board the ship is too perfect for words, and when it’s revealed that actually, Evie is the famous pirate princesa espelho and NOT another wicked boarding school member, Mal has a full blown gay crisis.

“Well YEAH,” says Jay, who is also dating essentially pirate royalty. “She’s like, basically the coolest person you’ll ever meet, aside from me. What, did you think she was one of us regular wicked school brats?”

“I don’t know what I expected,” Mal tells her pillow, which she is burying her face in during said Gay Crisis. “She’s too good to be true.”

“Nah.” Jay says, mouth full of ye olde cheetos or something. “She’s pretty lame sometimes. You should ask her about what her room looked like when she first got her own ship. All dark and gloomy.”

“WHAT” shrieks Mal, who has been working on changing her bunk to the darkest, deepest corner since she first arrived. “She THREW OUT a room that was dark AND gloomy in favor of what?”

“Better lighting for her makeup tutorials, mostly.” Jay says, not paying attention anymore. “I think she might also have a full journalism setup there too. She won’t tell me anymore, not after what happened with the caustic tar.

Mal is horrifically curious about the caustic tar now. “What was it made from,do you know?” she asks, because she’s still working on how to cohabitate with other people peacefully despite growing up running around an evil academy since she was a child.

“Nothing important,” says Jay casually, throwing a ball at the ceiling.. “She had some boards replaced, scrubbed off all the skin on her palms fixing the parts of the door she didn’t want to replace, and then made a very cool liquid version of the tar for spraying on fabric to get natural wear and tear patterns on new garments.

“Sick.” Mal says, and before she can make any other comments:

“There was the matter of the handprints though,” Jay say, still extremely fake-casually. .”they were weird, you know, because Evie had them on her back for weeks, with the tar and all, and they were definitely dainty. Almost like some girl kissed her around the neck while there was still tar on her hands.”

Mal throws a shoe at him, knocking both the ball and the boy out of the way, and shoves past to find Evie.

Because the roles are already a mess for this (I am very small and very tired place just roll with it as I am not editing this before I post) Mal runs into exactly the pirate royalty she doesn’t want to see.

“What the fuck are you doing in my room?” asks Carlos, who is basically a tiny perfect decoy in this world. His mother had a monopoly on the exotics trade for a good few years when he was a child, and would tie him to the mast and make him cry for mercy as a way of luring other ships hoping to rescue a nobleman’s child closer. It worked disturbingly well, and now at sixteen, Carlos is both a pirate elite and terrified of falling into the water.

Mal pushes past, because she is as always a little bit of an asshole, and goes off to find her OWN pirate princess to date. She doesn’t need any stupid boys who just look at her like she’s dumb when she doesn’t know an anchor form a bowline. She doesn’t need to know. She’s going to be managing her own crew eventually, and they’ll do all of the heavy lifting aspects of it all. Mal is simply going to chill out and wait for the princess to come to her.

Of course, because this is a pirate story, this is when another ship sees the school experience boat, and decides that the best experience for the young baddies to have is explosions. Lots of them.

First hand, even.

The pirates (Evie and Jay and Carlos included) get to stations.

Mal, confused and distressed by this turn of events, is about halfway from transforming her whole shit and dealing with the dragon claw marks later, decides to wait in the hold. She is not getting paid for this experience, and it’s so beyond her ability to control what other ships do, mom.

Mal might have a few mommy issues in addition to the princess issues. A balance there.

“Fuck” Mal says, instead of dictating a letter to her mother like she should when entering a potentially life-threatening situation. “Now I’m never going to be able to talk to her.”

Mal does not die, Evie does not die, neither of them actually manage to steal anything in this story except for each other’s hearts, and then they talk at length about their feelings and how they should become a mean fighting team.

The next pirate raid (intentional), they’re ready. They’ve practiced all of their cool two-person moves together, and they’re ready for this.

Two minutes into the battle, Jay gets taken by the unwitting second team and disappears. Mal, predictably, flips her shit when this happens.

Aaaaand now it is late and I’ve written up enough of a piece of a fic I won’t write for this hour. Hope you enjoyed one or both of these ideas, nonny.

(the second one ends with Evie and Carlos dragging Mal along on an adventure to get Jay back, where Mal learns how not to be useless on a ship anymore and she and Evie bond as people and they keep Carlos and Mal in turns from having a nervous breakdown as they get their boyfriend/BFF back and then they all realize that ACTUALLY they work best as a foursome and do that)

[hitchell-mope]

Descendants characters and their tumblr blogs

Ben. Has a minimum of two. Maybe three. A private one where he calls out the beast. A public Mal Bertha protection/appreciation blog. And one just about Mal and their friends

Mal. One for spells. One about ben. And one where she can just rant to her hearts content

Jay. Sports. Himself. In that order. Possibly a Carlos and mal defence blog.

Carlos. Dogs. Technology. Chocolate. Well. Most types of junk food.

Evie. Fashion. Hair.

Doug. Technically runs the kings official blog. (Favour for Ben). And. How to survive your girlfriend crazy family and the chaos that follows. Mostly just lighthearted jabs at his friends. He always asks before posting. Except when it’s about who he doesn’t consider his friends (chad Harry Audrey Uma). You can feel the sarcasm seep out through the screen with this one.

Dizzy. Hair. Fashion. Auto mechanics

Uma. Anti Mal Bertha. Anti beast. Herself. Magic history

Harry. Uma. Himself. The staff keeps deleting them though. He doesn’t follow guidelines.

Gil. One for eggs. One for cooking and food in general. Sewing. Some form of fitness blog

Lonnie. History. Weaponry. War.

Jane. Private blog for magic. Denies having one

Audrey. Herself. And. Gazillion reasons why “benny boo” should dump the dragon bitch and return to her. And no. She’s not bitter

Chad. Himself his hair. How the vks are ruining property values.

[middlecoolonist-blog]

ich liebe dich( I love you )

Hallo, my followers, today’s post is going to be a hard one to write. Today is the anniversary of my wife’s death, Susanna. She died during childbirth with Ida, my second baby. Why it was so tragic, and Bertha was just crushed. She was my rock. Some men these days don’t appreciate their wives, I just don’t understand. My last words to her were “ich liebe dich”. I remember it as if it was yesterday. These days people just get married not for being in love . Why, today, most women are forced to marry, or they just aren’t really supposed to be single. When women get married they lose most of their rights of their property. Society doesn’t want women to “burden” them, but Susanna was the last thing I would call a burden. I truly think it is harsh how society does treat women, but what are you going to do. Anyway, I’m going to end the post here, I want to go spend time with Ida and Bertha on this rough day. Bis zum nächsten mal.

[eviesmyspiritanimal]

Mirror, Mirror, in my hand, who's the biggest jerk in the land?!

Evie while defending her family like the queen she is.😍💙💜🤍💛

[eviesmyspiritanimal]

My Evie needs her Mal on so many levels. Mal’s her fiercest protector, her dearest sister, her best friend in the world, and her everything.

My Mal needs her Evie on so many levels. Evie’s her fiercest protector, her dearest sister, her best friend in the world, and her everything.

You can’t have Evie without Mal.

You can’t have Mal without Evie.

They’re symbiotic, they’re essential to one another’s existence, they’re absolutely the world to each other.

They’re Evie and Mal. 💙💜💙💜💙💜💙

[eviesmyspiritanimal]

My favorite three girls 💙🍎💙💜🐉💜💚🐙💚