#maybe i just needed to overcome the activation energy i need to jump start the art process

[emmet-appreciation]

a little doodle I did before the one I posted awhile back.

I was planning on doing a more cinematic version of this but seeing as how I am currently avoiding any large-scale drawings atm I think I will just be satisfied with this

[ny-3aets]

Alright, so I might lose some followers for this, but I don’t care. This is the blog where I get to be honest about my views, so I’m going to be honest about this, too:

“Fatphobia” isn’t fucking real.

Yeah, some people treat others like shit human beings because they jump to conclusions about their circumstances. I’m not denying that. It sucks. However, it doesn’t reach into the territory of some kind of epidemic of oppression because not only is being fat something objective, it’s also not something people are born with and it’s absolutely something that you can change.

”Diet culture“ is only as harmful as you allow it to be if you take everything given to you at face value and don’t do any of your own research or contact someone like a nutritionist or a personal trainer to figure out what specifications work for you. The reason there are hundreds of different diets is because there are hundreds of different people that wrote each of them, and for each of them that specific method works, and it may not work for you.

With that in mind, nothing’s gonna fucking work if you do not commit to it for months or even years. A diet isn’t something you do for a month or two like you’re an actor prepping for a movie and then you get to go back to whatever you were doing before. Maybe if you’re already at a moderate shape and it corresponds to the needs of a new sport you‘re pursuing, it might, but for overall change at a casual pace, this isn’t how it works. You pursue a diet as in, that is your diet now. That is what you eat, period.

Your unhealthy codependency on unhealthy foods because they’ve trained your brain into assuming that they are vital in bringing you comfort and joy is exactly that — unhealthy, codependent behavior. No diet is extreme for asking you to give up desserts or extremely calorie-rich foods — being able to do this means maturing enough to understand that food is just that — food. It’s an energy source, nothing more, nothing less. Whether or not you choose to still eat unhealthy food “every once in a while” is entirely your choice because it’s your body and you can choose what you do with it, but in potentially compromising a diet you‘ve selected, you have absolutely no place to say that a diet does or doesn’t work.

When you start pursuing any diet specifically in order to lose weight however, you need to be at a calorie deficit. This, once again, takes some independent research as well as arithmetic to understand how much of a calorie deficit is right for you, depending on how active your lifestyle is. This isn’t me taking the high ground and pretending to be something I’m not. This is just a fact.

Not all forms of exercise work for everyone. Either go into the gym and obsessively (although safely) try everything for a two-week period at a time, or do intense research, and, if you can afford it (and I’m positive that there are online ones that will offer their services for free or discounted prices from an in-person gym) hire a personal trainer. Hiring a trainer doesn’t negate your research, however — question everything she says, look it up at home, see if there are opinions of other trainers online (YouTube has an entire hub of these guys).

Yes, there are cases in which people have genetic disorders which make it nearly impossible for them to lose weight. Those are A) rare and B) vary in degree of hinderance, meaning in certain circumstances there will absolutely be tons of research right at your fingertips to find a way to maneuver around it.

Yes, the BMI rating is a joke, specifically for people with extreme amounts of muscle mass (as muscle is heavier than fat), but I think you know if you look like Dwayne Johnson or you can achieve some of the same shit as a Sumo wrestler or a Siberian grandma. Either way it’s a mostly arbitrary number, although it can be a rough guide of where you “should” be.

Yes, there are people out there that are fat by societal standards but are more than capable of achieving extreme physical feats. Most of the people competing in throwing events at the Olympics or Strongman events look very different from the hypertrophied Greek statues of bikini competitions. I don’t have to tell you that this requires an extreme amount of training and dedication (and perhaps a winning ticket of the genetic lottery), but if it’s something you achieve, more power to you; I don‘t care.

I am not calling fat people lazy. Anyone can be lazy.

I am not calling fat people selfish. Anyone can be selfish.

I am not calling fat people terrible or disgusting or worthless or whatever the fuck else you want to extract from this because I decided to look you in the eye and tell you that your excuses suck.

Whether or not you’re fat doesn’t determine your worth as a human being, however, being fat, 9/10 times is something you can control and something you can work with. Finding a way to lose weight safely and effectively is something that takes years and years of trial and error and the negative psychological effects of what you see online are no one’s problem except your own — take everything with a grain of salt and do your own research instead of pretending that the world is out to get you. If you feel that people’s posts promoting something that works for them just fine is somehow a personal attack on you, I think it’s time to evaluate your relationship with the online media sphere at large, methinks.

I’m not a personal trainer, I’m not a nutritionist, I’m not going to tell you what to do, I’m not gonna look up and evaluate every single diet plan and workout regimen known to man — I already did it for myself, I spent the sweat and tears on it for the last five years of my life, and I know what works for me. I cannot tell you what is going to work for you and I cannot tell you that losing weight is something you must do but I can tell you that there is something that will work for you, if you want to lose weight. You just aren’t looking hard enough.

While at the end of the day, I don’t care what people do because it’s not my place to control their actions or their words, but I do care when people fucking lie. When they regurgitate the same “diets don’t work!” over every insinuation that maybe there needs to be some kind of change in their food intake, when they so boldly say that they can’t lose weight, that they’ve tried everything, that diet culture is “toxic” because they can’t take the time to impersonally and carefully evaluate whatever is being peddled to them, or when I want a friend or a significant other to support me on a lifestyle that I’m pursuing and they throw me the: “Oh, but you’re so beautiful regardless!” because that shit doesn’t fuck help me, that shit doesn’t make me feel any better and is a worthless statement when I want to approach something objectively and it’s clear that there are set goals with visible obstacles to overcome.

Yes, yes you can lose weight and the people telling you that you can do not wish any kind of harm upon you.

Yeah, we‘re all gonna die in the end anyway, but I don’t want to get there absolutely winded after every staircase I’ve climbed.

[roscgcld]

GOJO SATORU || ends of the earth

request: can i request a scenario where Gojo and non-shaman!F!reader are on their first date, and they visit the beach to watch the sunset, and gojo suggests they head near the water to dip their feet in for bit because why not? turns out f!reader has a phobia of the ocean due to an incident when she was younger, which is a shocker bc f!reader appears to be very confident and fearless and independent . at first, gojo finds this sorta funny, but after seeing the severity of her fear, he tries to help her conquer her it. she climbs his back as he heads towards the shallow end of the ocean, just where the oceans crashes on the shore (after a lot of convincing on gojo’s part). 🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕 just something really fluffy while showing the goofy side of gojo, and his soft and considerate side! thank you!!!!

note: honestly, i love this idea honestly cx this is so cute - i can see gojo doing this for his lover if she is scared cx it’s very fluffy and such a fun thing to write for c: also I changed it so that they are both dating for awhile, since i struggled a lot writing it the other way around lol cx but i think this isn’t that bad??? so i hope you don’t mind~

pronouns: she/her

The smell of the ocean was the first thing that hit your senses once you got out of your car, glancing over at your boyfriend to see him smiling widely at the sight of the quiet beach before you two. Today will be the first time in awhile that you get to see your boyfriend, with him busy being a sorcerer fighting curses across Japan. Because of this, you two decided that a date was in order.

Hence why you two found yourselves at a beach after you two made some simple picnic food to eat. “God, I can’t remember the last time I saw a beach.”

“Don’t make yourself sound so old.” You said with a soft smile as you grabbed the beach mat whilst he grabbed the basket with the food you prepared, Gojo just giving you a cheeky smile in response as he lowered his sunglasses a little, revealing his beautiful glowing blue eyes over the round rims of his sunglasses. “You love me regardless.” Was his simple response, to which you just raise an eyebrow at him before you locked the car behind the both of you. “I’ll let you think that’s the case then.”

Ignoring his dramatic gasp, you made your way down the entrance of the beach, walking down the steps leading towards the sandy beach. If you were being honest, if you had a choice, you wouldn’t have chosen the beach to have your date at. When you were younger, a huge wave had swept you out to sea once; and if it wasn’t for a nearby surfer who heard your mother’s cries for help, you would have drowned. Ever since then, you had never stepped a foot into the ocean anymore.

However, you’ve never told your boyfriend this fact. Maybe it was because it didn’t come up, or maybe it’s because you were embarrassed - but you’ve never told him that you had an insane fear of the ocean. Hence why now, while you watched him try to pick the best spot to have a nice picnic by the beach together, you were trying to not show how nervous and awkward you were as you stood on the warm sand. 

You had wanted to say something to him about the beach, but when you saw how excited he got at the idea to visit somewhere as simple as a beach, the words got stuck in your mouth. Since you weren’t in swimwear, you had decided that there was no harm just sitting on the coast. So, you swallowed you anxieties and walked towards your excited boyfriend, helping him set the beach mat down before you two settle down on the slightly rough and scratchy surface of the beach mat. 

Soon the food was unwrapped and you two were laughing and joking with one another as you slowly went through the sandwiches you made from home. Besides the simple cold cut sandwiches, there was also the strawberry sando that Gojo had begged for you to make earlier. “See, isn’t this nice?” Gojo grinned as he looked over at you, dressed in a simple shirt and a pair of shorts, his skin seeming to glow underneath the slowly setting sun in the horizon. You could barely take your eyes away from how gorgeous and effortless he looks just sitting there, eating his sandwich.

You swear it wasn’t fair how perfect he was.

“You say this when you drag me away from work to cuddle you on the couch.” You commented back with a soft grin as you raised the chilled bottle of milk tea you had purchased at the petrol station when you were filling up on petrol. Gojo hums at the memory as he grins over at you, grabbing a tissue to wipe his mouth clean. “Princcess, you should know how much I enjoy spending any time I can with you.” He said with an innocent shrug, to which you just smiled at him warmly, knowing that underneath the teasing tone was him telling you the truth.

It made your heart warm, but you didn’t miss the chance to tease him a little. “And here I thought Mr Playboy Gojo will never settle down.” You tossed back teasingly, remember how Ieiri had mentioned that you had somehow managed to tame the flirtatious and womaniser Gojo when you first met his long time friend and co worker. Gojo just grins before he leans over to peck your lips softly, causing a light flush to travel up to your cheeks at how spontaneous that kiss was. 

“Well, what idiot would let such an amazing woman slip through his fingers?”

His words caused your blush to deepen as you reached over to push his face away from yours, trying to hide your blush behind your free hand as he laughs and kisses your palm gently. With that the both of you returned to your food, slowly making your way through the rest of it. Then sunset had started to paint the beach in an array of beautiful colours just as you were packing up the rest of your cutlery. 

Gojo tosses the tissues back into the basket as his sapphire blue eyes now on full display as he enjoys the sunset. “Princess, leave the basket for a bit.” He suddenly said as he looks over at you, causing you to pause as you tighten the bottle of half finished milk tea in your hands. “I want to walk along the water for a bit, the water looks extra nice today. And if I had an extra pair of clothes, I would have jumped in awhile go.” He ranted as he got up, dusting his shorts off; and somehow completely not noticing how you froze in fear at the idea of going to the water.

At first Gojo didn’t notice that you didn’t up with him until he was half way towards the shore when he realised that you aren’t behind him. Looking back curiously, he noticed how you seem to be frozen on the beach mat. “Hello? Earth to Y/N?” He called back to you with a confused frown, which only deepen when he realised that you looked too pale for his liking. At first he had no idea what was wrong with you until something clicked in his head, causing him to frown even more.

When Gojo firs met you, he admired the fact that you were fearless. You do not have Cursed Energy, yet you are able to see Curses - which was how Gojo saved you from becoming the next target of a Second Grade Curse. Well, when he got there you were handling yourself well - smacking the monster like Second Grade with your frilly pink umbrella, yelling at how it should ‘keep your disgustingly slimy and wet hands off my clean sweats’ while you assaulted the poor Curse. You weren’t doing much damage, yet at the same time the Curse was completely terrified of you to actually make a move.

Gojo actually watched for a few moments before going over to help you, asking how were you planning to exorcise the curse with your pink umbrella. Only to barely dodge you smacking his head with it. It was that moment when he knew you were the one though. 

So you can’t blame him at how confused he was at to why someone who is brave enough to attack a Curse without a weapon looked terrified of the lightly crashing waves of the ocean. “Hey.”

Your eyes snapped towards a pair of glowing blue eyes, blinking rapidly as you tried to calm you slightly erratic breathing. However, you can never hide from your observant boyfriend, who frowns even more before he takes your shaking hands in his. “Y/N, are you afraid of the ocean?” He asked you in a soft voice, to which you just made a face before quietly looking away, as if you didn’t want to answer his question. Yet that alone gave him the answer he needed to know. “Princess, why didn’t you tell me? We could have went somewhere else if you are scared.”

Immediately your eyes looked over at his for a moment before looking down at your lap once more. “I just...you looked so happy, asking to come to the beach.” You mumble quietly, trying to take your hands back from his so you can fumble with your fingers out of habit. Gojo stopped that, squeezing your fingers between his as he tries to catches you gaze; realises that you were actively avoiding it. Eventually he lets your hands go in favour of cupping your face in his hands, forcing your eyes to look up at him.

 “Y/N...you should never force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with.” Gojo mumbles softly with a frown, to which you just bite your lip before you glanced away from his ever knowing eyes - knowing that deep down he was right. “You should never put yourself through something you’re not comfortable with, even if it’s for me.” He mumbles with a soft frown, to which you just let out a soft but shaky sigh, leaning forward to bury your face into his chest. 

“But you always do so much for me..” 

For a moment there was just silence before you felt Gojo nudging the side of your face with his nose, causing you to look up at him with nervous eyes. “I’ve got an idea.” He commented with a soft smile, something that was rare for you to see on his face as well. This caused you to raise a curious eyebrow as he grinned softly, an eyebrow raised as well. “Why don’t we try and overcome your fear together?”

It took a lot of convincing, and a lot of whines and blushes on your end before you agreed to get on his back. His plan? He plans to walk towards the end of the ocean with you on his back. He promises that he wasn’t going to drop you, and if he did, he’ll buy you bubble tea from the bubble tea store near your apartment. However, it took him giving you puppy eyes before you allowed him to turn your back to him; wrapping your arms around his broad shoulders tightly as you buried your tensed face into his neck.

The soft rumble of Gojo’s chuckle caused you to blush hard, gently kicking your foot out in frustration at him seeming to laugh at you as he started to walk towards the shore. “Cutie.” You heard him mumble softly, which had your heart skipping a beat once more and the blush on your cheeks to darken. 

A few more steps and soon you heard the sound of the waves gently crashing onto the shore, causing a shiver of fear to slice through you as you tighten your grip around your boyfriend. “Loosen up, princess. You’re about to choke me.” Gojo said with an amused tone in his voice as he took another step forward, his feet resting on the wet sand beneath them as he tosses you an amused smirk. “We can definitely play tonight if you want.”

His words caused you to blush hard as you pulled your face out of his neck to glare at him murderously, only to be distracted by the crashing waves that were around you. Immediately you clammed up once more as you buried your face back into his neck once more; your entire body shaking from the fear. This cause Gojo’s teasing words to stop at the tip of his tongue as he tighten his grip on your legs, feeling bad that you looked so scared of the ocean. “We can go back if you want.”

At first you thought about it before you shook your head slowly, taking a few deep breaths to calm your pounding heart. “You sure, princess?” Gojo asks you in a calm yet soft tone, waiting for you to give him another nod before he smiles softly. “Alright. I’ll just stand here. You can look up when you’re ready.” He said simply, letting you know that he was just going to just stand here until you’re ready to look up.

It took awhile, but slowly you inched your eyes up to look up at the horizon before you. Only to have your breath taken away at the sight of the sun now setting at the horizon, the warm sunlight panting the world in an array of pinks, oranges, yellows and reds. You watched in awe at how the soft waves seem to reflect the sunset perfectly, creating a beautiful scene before you. The fear you felt inside slowly started to melt away as you watch the scene before you in awe, entrance by something as beautiful as a sunset by the ocean.

You were so distracted that you didn’t notice how Gojo was watching you over his shoulder, love and adoration practically oozing from his very person as he tighten his protective grip around your legs. It was this moment that he vowed that no matter what, he is going to protect you with his entire person.

That you were worth going to the ends of the earth for. Because you are his everything. 

© roscgcld — all rights reserved to me, rose, the author and creator of these works. do not repost/translate/claim my work as yours on any platform

[velvetmel0n]

Insatiable

Summary: The Mandalorian has a run in with some rather odd pollen while hunting for a quarry and you try to fix it

Rating: Explicit

Word count: 4.3k

Warnings: Automatic dub-con due to the pollen, penetrative sex, sex against a wall, Mando finds a loophole to take his helmet off but everything else stays on, the Child is sleeping don’t worry, little bit of cockwarming, soft ending

A/N: Me, posting fic during daylight hours? I’m just as surprised as you are, who am I

@damerondjarin​ @rzrcrst​ @okay-hotshot​ @beskars​ @acomplicatedprofession​ @huliabitch​ @pascalplease​ @darksideofclarke​ @thesefleshfailures @justawriterwithdreams​ @generaldamneron​ @criminal-cookies​ @someplace-darker​ @amarvelousmandalorian​ @roxypeanut​ @leahsafae​ @bunnyart-blog​ @duamuteffe​ @themandjalorian​ @hopelikethesun​ @dindjarindiaries​ @paniclana​ @winters-buck​ @pedropascalito​ @agentpike​ @hiscyarika​ @lesqui​ @mandadoration​ @the-huttslayer​ @poeticandors​ @tintinwrites​ @mserynlarsen​ @hystericalmedicine​ @queenofheavenandhell​ @himbopoes​ @qveenbvtch​ @bookshelvesandteacups​ @yougottakeeponkeepinon​

Something is— something is wrong with the Mandalorian. The fact that he’s returning without the quarry is concerning enough but the way he’s moving, the way he’s hauling himself up the ramp and out of the jungle like he’s hurt is what sends your heart rocketing into your throat. You can’t see any chinks in the beskar even as he steps into the light of the Razor Crest and the rational part of your brain realizes that the lack of any outward signs of injury, that his armor is still in place, should make you feel better. 

Instead what it does is make you swallow, makes you want to reach out and run your hands along the gleaming metal and the thick fabric between the plates, fingers probing for something to fix. “Mando?” You hate how your voice sounds even as it’s leaving your mouth, thin and shaking under its own weight and you feel the anxiety curdle in your gut.

You had just put the Child down for the night and thought it was funny, this odd turn your life had taken in these last months. Going from odd job doer to nurse maid and medic and whatever else a situation may call for. You didn’t realize how attached you’d truly grown to it until now.

The Mandalorian grunts and the sound is ragged at the edges, and you watch with wide eyes as he sits heavily on the cot as if his legs won’t support him any longer and he— he starts tearing at his gloves, at his arm braces. Any other time you’d be fascinated by the skin he’s showing you, normally only glimpsed through blood and bacta spray, but now it only makes your blood run cold.

“Something got under the helmet,” His voice is slurred, the words crashing into one another before they leave the confines of his mouth. He sounds like he drank an entire jug of spotchka by himself and your brain starts to prickle with realization. “Just— I feel so, feel so hot,”

You swallow, careful to keep your distance now when just moments before you had wanted to run to him. “Did you notice any smells? Any...strange tastes in your mouth?” You know enough botany to have dread settling low in your stomach, replacing the anxiety that had been threatening to overtake you. You don’t think this planet houses a lethal strain— uncomfortable, yes. Life altering, perhaps. But not lethal.

The questions make him pause, thank Maker, because this is the most skin he’s ever shown you and already the guilt is gnawing. You know his Creed, piecing it together from the stories you’ve heard about the Mandalorians and from his own mouth, and you are terrified. Terrified that he’ll go for his helmet next, that you won’t be able to stop him in time and then what? What comes after?

“It smelled...sweet, but, but more than that—” He doesn’t know how to explain how it smelled sweet and spiced and soft. As soft as he knows your hands are when you patch him up somewhere he can’t reach, as soft as he imagines other places are. He shakes his head hard to dislodge that thought but it’s already taken hold and now he can’t stop. 

He’s having trouble remembering why it’s a bad idea to reach out for you, drag you into his lap and fill his hands and his mouth with you, gorge himself on sensation until he’s sick with it. He feels like he’s burning up, boiling from the inside out and his mouth feels like it’s filled with cotton but it’s watering for you.

His mouth. That’s right, you asked him if he tasted anything. He did— some strange, flavored heat having curled into his mouth and he can’t describe the taste, just knows that it was good and he won’t be opposed to tasting it again. 

“I don’t know, something— something good,” The edges of his voice are fuzzed out by the vocoder but the rasp isn’t smoothed and his words skitter down your spine to settle low in your belly. You had spent months perfecting how you deal with the Mandalorian; friendly, compassionate, maybe a little teasing, but most of all understanding of his Creed and the Way and that meant ignoring the affection that had started to fester not long after you’d met. Ignoring the way your mind wandered at night or when you were alone, and it was all going to come crashing down because he’d had a run in with fucking adamari pollen.

If the circumstances weren’t so dire you think you’d laugh because this is ridiculous.

You swallow and raise your hands like you’re trying to placate something feral, show it that you mean it no harm. “We need to stay away from each other for the next few hours, alright?” You hate the way your voice sounds, thin and shaking underneath its own weight and you aren’t sure what you’re more scared of— him forgetting himself or you letting him. 

He’s breathing harshly but he only tilts his helmet at you, not realizing what you’re trying to say so you try again, tongue flicking over your suddenly dry lips. “You’ve heard of adamari, right?”

That causes him to still right down to his labored breathing and you rush to reassure him the only way you know how. “This one isn’t lethal we just— you just have to ride it out,” Maker, did he bring any in with him? You can feel yourself warming, goosebumps rising on your flesh the longer he looks at you from behind that dark visor but that could just be the Mandalorian himself. It wouldn’t be the first time, not even slightly, but it most certainly is the worst time.

“It’s going to get worse, isn’t it?” The words rumble through the vocoder and you can only nod, seeing the way his hands fist atop his thighs and you swallow thickly. You know you can’t stop him, you know you won’t want to stop him once he puts his hands on you and that’s why one of you has to leave.

“Look, it’s probably going to last the rest of the night. At least,” You tack the words on as an afterthought, figuring you should warn him before he’s too far gone, remembering how depending on the strain and the dosage the effects can last anywhere  between a few hours to a couple days.

You watch as the Mandalorian flexes his hands before he straps his braces back on, fitting his hands back into his gloves slowly as if the movements of covering himself back up are paining him now in some ironic twist of fate. “I’ll go.” The words are simple, brooking no arguments. Maybe they would have inspired more confidence if they hadn’t sounded like they were pushed through gritted teeth.

He hauls himself to standing, a mass of gleaming beskar and you hold your breath as he walks past you, not missing the way he pauses, the way his helmet cants towards you. “Take care of the kid for me,” It’s a forgone conclusion at this point but you understand his need to say it still and you nod, murmuring a simple ‘of course’ into the still air. He doesn’t resume walking right away, instead watching you for long, drawn out moments that make you feel like an ash-rabbit caught in a snare before he stumbles down the ramp, shaking his head.

You’re trembling as you shut the ship back up, not able to tell if your sigh is one of relief or disappointment as he keeps walking into the jungle.

Should you— should you activate the ground security protocols? You probably should in case something other than the Mandalorian tries to get in, but it almost feels like a betrayal as you do. You aren’t afraid of him, not really, and you don’t want him to think that you are. What you’re afraid of is you inadvertently causing his life to unravel because you can’t keep your eyes closed. You’re afraid that it’s the pollen to blame for this, that no part of him actually wants you. 

You try to distract yourself by checking on the Child, sleeping peacefully in his crib and you hope he remains that way for the rest of the night. You press a button on the machine and the canopy slides back into place, blocking out all the lights and noises of the Crest and you almost wish you could join him. 

You wonder if the famed Mandalorian discipline will be enough to keep away during the long hours of the night, that it will somehow overcome the effects of the drugging plant. Maybe he’ll get far enough away before it really slams into him.

You spend hours like this, unable to keep yourself from pacing around the Crest and jumping at every little noise, from the ship settling to the sounds of the jungle outside, and all the while wondering. Wondering how he’s faring, if it’s gotten worse yet. If he’s in pain and if it would have been a better idea to let him stay and help him. He might not have reached for his helmet like you’re so afraid of.

It’s the middle of the night and your nerves have started to dull, sleep beginning to pull on the edges of your brain. Nothing has activated the ground security protocols and you’ve found the rhythm in the noise of the nightbugs and the creatures and the groans of the Razor Crest. The Child hasn’t woken despite your pacing and nervous energy thrumming out, and all is well. 

And then the lights go out.

Adrenaline surges through your body and your heart kicks into a relentless pace and you almost feel like you’re floating with the sudden onset of energy as you spring from your place on the floor. No alarms are blaring. There are no sounds you don’t already recognize and there is nothing banging on the hull of the ship, demanding to be let inside. 

The Mandalorian has returned. The Mandalorian has returned and you can’t see a thing.

Arousal and anxiety clash in your gut, colliding until you’re shaking and you don’t know which is which. The dark serves as a loophole, but how strong is it? The urge to run wells up within you so strongly that you almost gasp, feeling your way through the dark as you try to figure out a place to hide.

What if he regrets it, afterwards? Thinks it’s shameful and can’t bear to be around you anymore? Even worse, what if it’s never spoken of again and you have to live with the knowledge of what he feels like, his skin against your own and buried inside of you and you won’t be able to do anything about it.

Your blood is rushing in your ears as you creep through the gloom, your mind racing. There are only so many places to hide in the Razor Crest and your first instinct is to hurl yourself into the storage closet he calls a bunk and seal yourself up in it but you know that would be asking for trouble. You think if you can make it to the ladder you might have a shot of scrambling up, sealing the hatch before the Mandalorian reaches you.

You’re pointedly ignoring the fact that he probably has some sort of nightvision equipped in his helmet and can obviously see better than you if he’s plunging the Crest into absolute darkness on a whim.

You don’t even think you breath as you move, barely picking your feet off the floor and somehow forcing yourself to go slow, to take your time so you don’t run headfirst into a wall. The goosebumps are back and the hair on the back of your neck is standing on end and you feel so thoroughly watched that you think you can feel his eyes on your like a caress. 

You don’t know how far you make it before you feel a heavy hand on the center of your back, pushing you up against the wall and then the Mandalorian is pressing himself against you, trapping you between two layers of solid metal and you almost keen from the sensation of it.

“M’sorry, I— I tried, so hard, I’m sorry,” He slurs into your ear and all the breath you’ve been holding leaves your lungs in a gust because you’re not hearing the blurry, filtered voice through the vocoder anymore and you can feel his lips on your neck, mouthing at the delicate skin desperately. He’s taken his gloves off too and his hands are everywhere. 

They slip beneath your tunic without warning and his skin is fever hot and rough, and you can’t stop yourself from shaking if you try when he grasps your breasts, cupping their fullness and squeezing, forcing a whine from your throat. He keeps mumbling apologies against your neck, soothing bites with his tongue and gasping for breath because there’s just so much of you he’s never touched, never felt like this and you’re so soft and warm and he’s losing his mind.

“S’okay, really,” You do your best to reassure him but you think the pollen is rubbing off you, it has to be because it’s like once he got you in his arms all that anxiety and fear that was festering and curdling in your stomach turned to pure heat in a single instant and you can feel the wetness already slicking the insides of your thighs. 

His chin hooks over your shoulder and you think he’s trying to watch himself play with you— you have no idea if he can even see but the idea that he’s trying cranks you higher. Your other senses have heightened to compensate for the lack of vision and maybe that’s the reason why you almost cry when his fingers clasp around your nipples. He pinches and rolls the puckering flesh, and you’re unable to stop the sob of his name that leaves your mouth. “M-Mando,”

The sound of that word on your lips, little more than a gasping moan, is what breaks him the rest of the way. The words come pouring out of his mouth then and fill your head up until the sound of them and his touch are the only things that exist for you. 

“Wanted this for s-so long and you— you’re—” You’re letting me, the thought finishes unspoken because he can’t believe it. You’re arching your spine and reaching behind you, clawing at any part of him you can reach and he loves it. He loves the way you taste and the sounds that are pouring from your lips and he’s never been this hard in his life.

His hands finally come unglued from your breasts and rasp down your side, his rough palms catching on your skin and the contrast has you both shaking. The Mandalorian doesn’t waste time, isn’t capable of it as he shoves his hand underneath the waistband of your pants and your underwear and— and he fucking chokes.

You’re so warm and wet that for a moment all he can do is groan, forehead dropping to your shoulder and his big body shuddering against your own. He drags a finger through your slit, in awe of just how wet you are for him as you rock in his palm. He can’t get over the fact that you’re almost sobbing for him now as he rubs the calloused pads of his fingers sloppily over your clit and he can feel your thighs quiver. 

“Im-imagined this,” He can’t stop himself from talking, needing to get the words out, to let you know that it isn’t pollen that’s caused all this. It only sped up the timeline, pushing him off the cliff he’s spent the past months edging towards. “Didn’t know yo-you’d be this— this warm,” His voice cracks on the last word and he groans raggedly into your ear because at that exact moment he’s slicking two of his fingers into your weeping cunt and some part of him thinks this is a hallucination. This has to be a hallucination because there’s no way you’re this hot, there’s no way you’re drenching his hand and moaning for him.

He tells you as much, rasping right into your ear how tight you are, how good you’re taking his fingers. How he’s been dying for this.

You try to brace yourself against the wall as your hips bear down on his thick fingers, able to feel the dips and ridges  of his knuckles while your free hand clutches at the arm he has wound around your waist to keep you crushed against him. Tears collect in the corners of your eyes and you already feel so full but you’re greedy, and maybe the pollen has rubbed off on you after all because as amazing as his fingers are spearing up into you, you want his cock more.

You try to tell him but when you open your mouth to do so the only thing that comes out is a whimper because the Mandalorian is pressing the heel of his hand hard into your pubic bone while his fingers work, grinding your clit against his hand. You can feel the bridge of his nose pressing into the line of your jaw, his breath huffing over your skin and it’s all too much.

You feel yourself clamp down on his fingers and your mouth hangs open and the only thing you can hear is the Mandalorian’s moan in your ear. He presses you harder into the wall and his hand stills, keeping the pressure on your clit and just curling his fingers within you. You don’t notice how your nails are digging into his wrist and the hand you have on the wall is shaking as it reaches back, blindly seeking the Mandalorian to pull him closer as your hips stutter and grind into his palm.

You don’t realize you’ve started begging him until the buzzing clears from your head. “Please, p-please, Man-Mando, just— I need your cock,” You sound as wrecked as you feel and the Mandalorian grunts somewhere behind you, ripping at his belt before the words are fully out of your mouth. You want to help him but your hands are shaking too much and you’re still trying to remember how to breathe properly when you feel a blunt pressure against your slippery folds.

Your head falls back onto his shoulder and you’re rocking impatiently on just his tip, whining at the feel of his hands now gripping your hips to try and hold you still. You still haven’t gotten used to the feel of his bare hands on you and it’s like each brush of them, every squeeze and and rub making you feel almost delirious. They’re hot against you, fingers digging in around the bone and somewhere in a hazy part of your mind you know you’ll have marks later, a roadmap of where and how he touched you  and you can’t wait to trace your fingertips over them in the daylight.

Any control he’s managed to cling to is gone and he’s helpless not to buck his hips, filling you up in one decisive thrust that sends you lurching into the wall. You cry out from the sensation of his cock splitting you open, the stretch pinching just enough for the pain to put the pleasure into focus, sharpening it to a razor’s edge. 

This is what he’s been hiding underneath all that beskar? The thought slides across your mind like a tendril of smoke, half formed and nearly transparent before it blinks out of existence as fast as it came into being because the Mandalorian is rutting over you, armor biting into the backs of your thighs as he tries to press as close as physically possible each time he bottoms out within you.

He’s barely pulling out, as if he can’t stand the thought of separating from you even just the few inches he needs for leverage, is something unbearable and it is glorious.  The tears have spilled from your eyes and his hands are clutching you, arms banding around your front to keep you molded to his chest so tightly that your breathing is restricted from the pressure across your chest but you can’t manage to care.

You aren’t being granted any sort of reprieve from how deliciously full you are and you think you can feel every vein and ridge of his cock as it drags inside you, scraping heavily against that one specific spot that’s causing you to see stars in the darkness, pinpricks of light igniting behind your eyelids. His name is falling pathetically from your lips, your high pitched and needy and he just keeps going. His mouth at your ear, slurring how you feel around him, how well you’re taking him and how he never wants to leave your heat. 

You use his voice, so much clearer without the vocoder, as a homing beacon and reach a trembling hand over your shoulder, sifting your fingers through the sweaty curls you find at the nape of his neck. He shudders and snarls when you give them an experimental tug and you feel it right down to your toes— so you do it again.

He digs his hips into yours in a rhythm that borders on brutal and you’re only able to last for so long because the arm around your stomach drops low and he’s pressing his fingers into your clit again, quick and desperate.  And then, almost before you realize what’s happening, your vision is whiting out and your pussy is clamping down around his cock, your flesh pulsing around him as you hang, suspended time time and unable to feel anything but the pleasure as it rockets up your spine and covers your skin like syrup, thick and sticky-sweet.  Your mouth is hanging open but no sound comes out at first and— and then you’re mewling some pitiful parody of his name because he’s fucking you through the first orgasm and on into the second if he doesn’t stop.

Which he doesn’t. You’re sensitive and shaking and he isn’t stopping, driving into you again and again before he stills, cock buried as deep as he could manage and he moans. The sound is broken against your shoulder, blunt teeth indenting your skin and you’re sure you’ve never heard anything better.  Liquid heat fills you, makes you arch and writhe and feel almost like a lothcat in heat. 

The Mandalorian doesn’t move away from you like you had been so afraid of just hours before, doesn’t rush to cover himself or start offering apologies. Instead you feel him panting against your upper back and he slackens his bite, laving at the marks he left with his tongue. He squeezes you tighter and nuzzles his face into the side of your neck, rumbling a single word that has you quivering all over again— 

“More.”

Hours later you’re sprawled atop the Mandalorian, your cheek resting against the cool metal of his cuirass and his cock still buried in you. You have no idea how long you’ve been laying like that, his hand drifting across your back, tracing nonsense patterns along your spine with his bare fingers. He put his helmet back on sometime during the night and as much as you missed the access to his mouth, the sound of his unfiltered voice, you understood.

You’re drifting somewhere between being awake and unconsciousness, only aware of the feel of his hands, the hard lines of beskar pressing into your skin, and how full you feel, reminded of that in particular every time you so much as twitch.

You hum in sleepy acknowledgement when he calls your name, only raising your head when he squeezes your shoulder and gives it a little shake. You rest your chin on your hand and fix his visor with what you hope isn’t a look of lazy contempt, though whatever your expression may have been it melts at the first touch of his hand on your cheek and you can’t resist the urge to nuzzle into his warm palm.  The Mandalorian is quiet for so long that your eyes are starting to drift shut when he begins to speak, soft and slow. “This, it—  it started because of the pollen,” He lets the words hang in the air and you have the sense that he chose the words carefully. He doesn’t take his hand from you, letting you lean the weight of your head into his palm, thumb stroking the delicate skin underneath your eye so slowly you don’t know if he realizes what he’s doing.

You don’t answer him right away, instead you lift yourself up just enough for you to be able to reach his helmet, doing your best to ignore the way his cock drags along your sensitive walls and you can feel him tense right through the beskar. You don’t reach for it. You don’t even move your hands from where they’re braced against his chest. Instead you move slowly and carefully, leaning forward to press your lips to the visor in a soft kiss before you settle back onto his chest.

You hear his sigh through the vocoder, the tension seeping out from underneath you and you feel your lips pulling into a smile as you close your eyes. You’re higher up than you were before, just enough for your cheek to press into the softer spot between his cuirass and his pauldron and you want to hum with contentment. You know that you have to talk about this sooner or later, but for now you only want to bask in the afterglow, in the languid soreness that’s settling into your muscles.

[phoenixyfriend]

A Smattering of Ideas for a Neji Time-Travel Fic

[EDIT: okay so viewing the post on dash or sidebar blog completely ruins the bullet nesting for some reason. Please open it in a new tab.]

Okay so I actually wrote the first chapter or two of this like... almost a decade ago probably, but the concept was:

Neji, upon dying, gets sent back, and he's perfectly healthy again, pretty much exactly as he was just before getting mokuton-stabbed... except the seal damage wasn't reversed, so he's blind.

I think he ended up like riiiiiight before the Hyuuga Incident, so about of age with Kakashi & co.

But yeah like imagine telling Hiashi about it.

We have a new Jounin! It's a blind Hyuuga.

His seal is gone! He's technically your nephew.

He needs to be retrained for blindness! He needs to be protected for the information he carries.

He's a time-traveler!

Have fun.

The Hyuuga clan has like a million things going on but future Neji is just finding his younger self and Hinata to cuddle them.

He can't see shit but he Needs To Hug Baby Hinata

She's so small? She needs to be protected?

"Sir, you're blind now." "If Lee can be a ninja without chakra, I can be a ninja without eyes." "Sir. Sir that's--that's not the same thing, you can't--SIR." "I'll ask Hatake for advice." "He's still got half of his--SIR!"

Neji is a genius, if there's anyone who can pivot their entire fighting style from "I can see everything" to "I don't need to see anything" it's someone like him. Especially with the "I need to protect all these smols and be strong enough to force people to take my advice seriously if necessary" motivation

BUT But But for the first few days, it's just like. Sir. I understand you want to protect this small child, but you walked into three walls in the past hour. Please st--sir.

Fun option is "Neji spills all the beans... to Hiashi, not the Hokage."

Hiashi: Okay so like. Give me a few days to come up with a cover story for your existence. Neji: That's fair. Hiashi: Do. Do you want me to send in Hizashi or...? Neji: I'll tell him the truth if you do. Hiashi: That's, uh... that's fine. Neji: Then yes. Please. Hiashi, thoroughly unnerved for a variety of reasons: Right. I'll go do that.

Relevant: "Stop trying to convince me to put the Caged Bird Seal on a man who is already blind."

Since that's the ostensible reasoning of the seal, and like. You can't make that argument about keeping the eyes safe when the eyes don't... work.

Courtesy of @firebirdeternal​, along with a bunch of other stuff but especially this:

ooooh feels moment: Neji starts his retraining to become Strong Enough without his eyesight, guess who sees him working his ass off to overcome a disadvantage and thinks "Oh, there's a person I should Be Friends With!"

Part of me just went "Gai gets injured on a mission and, while waiting out his medical leave, gets assigned to Neji as a guide/sparring partner"

Or, well, not assigned. He's just doing one-armed pushups in the training yard with a cast on half his limbs after breaking out of the hospital and zeros in on Neji like "Ah yes, medically inadvisable training, a Bonding Activity!"

Neji goes from "I can see everything" to "I can't see shit but if you're within arms reach you're fucked"

A lot of it comes down to Neji building up non-Byakugan sensing abilities, I think?

It won't help him read, but it'll sure help him avoid getting punched.

I think that's really the crux of his New Style, however he works it out, instead of having this Massive Range of perfect perception he just trains his other senses until he still has that perfect perception effectively, just in like a two foot radius around his person

and then he goes full Rock Lee and trains speed and reaction time until that two feet is enough

I want Daredevil-style bitchiness at some point, in the "Okay, I'm sure the contract is lovely, but do you have it in braille, perhaps?" sense

And Toph-style stuff

Genma, in the Jounin lounge: "Hey guys I think I've got a design finished for the new tattoo I'm gonna get, what do ya'll think?" 'holds up scroll' Kakashi: "Why would you get a tattoo of an ugly couch?" Genma: "It's not an ugly couch it's the Hokage Monument!" Neji: "It looks perfect to me" Genma: "Thank you! I worked really hard on-..... why do you feel the need to do these things."

Also I want Neji to have the same approach as Matt to a cane. He can make do without it, but it sure does make his life easier when he's off-duty.

Like, yes if he focuses his entire, highly trained person, on perceiving his surroundings, he can sense his way around. But that is very tiring

Like that is a lot of work to be doing, when you are just trying to get to the coffee shop for a bagel

Neji learns Sage Mode solely because he wants to be able to tree-hop again

Neji visits Kakashi like "I can't ask the Inuzuka for this because their dogs are clan-specific, but do you know where I can find a guide dog that can double as a ninken in the field?"

Neji asking Gai to help him pick out a feminine yukata because if ANYONE is going to not judge...

Listen I'm just really invested in what Naruto SD told us about how often Neji cross-dresses

Someone asked me which summons Neji learns Sage Mode from, and 

I mean, Hashirama supposedly just. Learned it? Without summons?

So maybe Neji does that and just learns from Jiraiya or something

Though it's not... particularly safe.

Birdie had the best response

learning it Without a Summon is very much in the vein of Neji's past attitudes towards Special Secret Techniques, given that he learned the Kaiten with no help even though it was a Secret Technique of the Hyuuga.

"I know it's possible to do, so the hard part is already over, the rest is just figuring it out and doing it"

Neji: I'm here, I'm queer, I'm blind as fuck.

Neji hanging out with Gai and Kakashi is, admittedly, not that different from hanging out with Lee and TenTen

Kakashi is a bit more likely to join in on the shenanigans than Tenten was, but he's still just as available for "We're judging you" sessions

Neji, sipping tea as Gai yells: this is my comfort zone.

Neji with a white cane: This is my whacking stick. Hiashi: Don't you mean walking stick? Neji: No.

Because... what ninja wouldn't ensure that any normal part of their daily life was fit for battle.

Like if Karin can hide lockpicks in a photo and a knife in her glasses, Neji can ensure his white cane is suitable for battle.

(Going off the earlier Daredevil comparisons, I’d say this is similar to Matt turning his cane into billy clubs sometimes.)

Neji, assuming the role of Chief Babysitter for SmolNeji and Hinata, senses Lee and Tenten at the park. Nudges SmolNeji: "Go, be friends with them"

SmolNeji, watching Lee faceplant into the dirt while trying to jump off the swing while Tenten chases two boys around with a weird frog she found: ".... why"

Neji: "Just trust me"

Also consider older Neji giving baby Hinata shoulder rides

Baby Hinata is delighted by this whole affair.

More time with big brother, and a new even bigger brother? Best times.

Bigger brother needs help reading sometimes and Hinata is so excited to help. Hiashi even approves because helping older Neji read things like menus and the like is helping Hinata learn how to read, so it benefits everyone.

Consider also: Neji encouraging the smols to play with bby Naruto, a Hyuuga elder (or possibly Hiashi, but I want him to be a confused accomplice) complains exactly once and Neji exudes such a powerful "Do not test me" energy that he just kind of. Drops it.

Neji's attitude towards baby Naruto is somewhere between "They're good dogs Brent" and "I died for him once already, do you think I'd hesitate to kill?" and it depends entirely on how seriously he thinks you're talking shit about him

Neji plays with the smols, including smol Naruto, by just being the Perfect Straight Man. Just taking every nonsense thing Naruto says Completely Seriously and using deadpan reactions to chaos to make them giggle. This drifts into Feels for Naruto when he's the first adult who takes his "I'm gonna be the Hokage" completely seriously

"Of course, chibi-Hokage-sama"

Hiashi: "What.... are you.... doing?" Neji: "Ah, Hiashi-sama. Please exercise caution, the floor has mysteriously transformed into molten rock. I suspect enemy action, but have no further intelligence at this time" SmolNeji, Hinata, and Naruto: 'wild giggling as they dangle from rafters/stand balanced precariously on chairs'

Hiashi takes one step into the room and all the kids start screaming so loud he steps back out in shock

Neji out in Konoha just Causing Shit with plausible deniability

Listen. Neji is PETTY.

Someone describes Naruto as "the annoying blonde child with the whiskers, you know, the skin brat" and Neji says "I'm a sensor and have encountered no demonic chakra"

"okay just avoid the blonde kid with the whiskers"

"I don't know how to tell you this..." 

"Sir, I know you're new in town, but that kid isn't really good news--" "A child can't be news unless they're recently born." "No, I mean, didn't anyone tell you to avoid the blonde kid with the whiskers?" "Naruto's blonde?"

Possibly "Hinata's blonde?"

He just, aggressively misunderstands that any insinuation about Naruto is about the Hyuuga heir instead

Birdie said they like the idea that he uses the aggressive deliberate misunderstanding to force people to either be embarrassed by how they're acting by having to spell it out or give up in quieter shame

Sometimes Neji gets tired of being obtuse and just lets Gai do it for him

Gai babysits on occasion, SmolNeji is aghast, Hinata mostly just confused, Naruto is delighted

Naruto is just Stars In Eyes about Gai

Kakashi: this is not the excuse I expected to have for visiting Naruto but I'm taking it

[moeyy-writes]

Fear

Zak Bagans x Reader

Warnings: Typical investigation content (bad feelings like fear and dread, mention of violent historical events including murder), mention of violent/threatening thoughts, being negatively affected by an entity, a hint of angst here and there, brief hints of sexual activities, fluff.

Word Count: 3,294

A/N: This story just came to me randomly while I was watching the show on my day off from work. Please read the warnings carefully. This story (at least in my opinion) is a bit emotionally heavy.

My Master List

Nothing about this location felt right. The interviewees Zak had talked to earlier that day all warned the team about an entity that affects men, especially those with what they referred to as ‘strong personalities’. The moment you walked into the room called The Grand Parlor, you felt sick to your stomach, but didn’t say anything. The energy in the dusty, hundred-year-old building was thick with dread and fear. Little did you know that those feelings would follow you into the night.

As the sun went down, while you, Jay, and Billy were setting up nerve center, those feelings were coming back full-force. You couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling that something was about to go terribly wrong. And, if anything, you weren’t the one who was usually spooked. In the two years you had been a part of the team, you had quickly earned yourself the nickname of “The Debunker”. You were definitely the most skeptical of the group, and usually threw weird feelings out the window.

However, today, these feelings came on like a speeding train, and didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Now, you were able to confirm the exact same feeling in the same building for a second time. Coincidence, maybe, but unlikely.

“Y/N, is everything okay?” Jay asked quietly from beside you. Apparently, you had stilled while holding one of the X-camera cords. You cleared your throat and nodded, before picking up the X-camera in front of you.

The camera you were in charge of setting up was going in one of the main bedrooms of the manor, where the late patriarch of the family had, according to legend, murdered his young wife in cold blood. That was also the space where three other male investigators had become affected by a forceful entity. One of them even blamed an attachment from that very room for ending his marriage.

When you were filming Zak and an interviewee in that room, you had been overcome with fear, and had to pass the camera to Billy and quietly excuse yourself. That was the first time in your history on the show that something like that had ever happened to you. When Zak asked what happened, you said that you had a sudden dip in blood sugar from not eating lunch. When he kept asking questions, you kept brushing them off, even though you were terrified of what may have been happening to you.

You were stubborn, so you pressed on. You made your way to the steps that led up to the bedroom where you were going to place the X-camera. The moment you passed through the chestnut doorframe, your stomach sank even further.

“Holy shit,” you muttered to yourself as you entered the room. The air around you was electric, like there was a thunderstorm right over your head. You sucked in a deep breath and carried on, trying to find a logical explanation for the feeling in the back of your mind.

Once you placed the X-camera in its spot, you had an idea. You pulled out an EMF meter from the small bag beside the camera you turned it on. You slowly followed the walls of the room, lingering in doorways and corners of the room, searching for a live energy source. According to the owners, there was no power in the building, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t something explainable causing an electro-magnetic disturbance.

“Nothing,” you whispered in defeat as you shut off the device. How the hell was that possible. You felt like you had just shuffled over a carpet in your socks, ready to zap the next person to cross your path. Weird.

The moment you slipped the device back into the bag, you heard footsteps behind you. You spun on your heels only to find Jay standing in the doorway. Your best friend studied you, his eyes filled with concern.

“Dude, what’s happening, Y/N? You’re acting weird.” He wasn’t wrong. You felt weird, which in itself was a super foreign feeling for you. And, you weren’t exactly the stealthiest person, especially when something was bothering you.

“I-I dunno, Jay. This building has such a weird vibe to it. I feel something in here. I checked the whole room with the EMF detector, but got nothing. Zip. But I feel like a live wire.” You raked your fingers through your hair and sighed. “Not to mention the horrible feeling of dread in here. It must be from knowing the shit that went down in this room.”

“Well, we all have our locations that affect us more than others. Maybe we finally found yours?” Jay shrugged, obviously trying to calm you.

“Guess so.” You nodded, not really wanting to talk about it anymore. Your part of the set up was done. Now, it was time to gather and begin the lockdown.

As you expected, this location was absolutely alive. Aaron got a threatening EVP within fifteen minutes of starting the lockdown, and a huge bang spooked Billy enough to almost send him pummeling down the stairs. Zak even got a few voices from what sounded like the same person while using the spirit box. It was compelling stuff, but that lingering feeling of dread was still weighing on you as you sat with Jay at nerve center.

After the guys returned to nerve center for a quick break, they all went over their findings with you and Jay. You tried to debunk what they found, but this location was presenting quite the challenge. The EVPs had tone, and the voice on the spirit box spoke at least three or four times, the same voice over multiple sweeps. Even the bang came from a small room with no furniture, leaving you scratching your head.

“Guys, this place is insane,” you gasped as you leaned back in your chair. “I-I don’t have a good explanation of any on this. I mean, the bang could have been a loose floor board finally giving way, but that was really loud.” Zak grinned from his seat beside you.

“Well, babe, maybe that’s because there’s something or someone haunting this place,” Zak teased. You glared over at him, then rolled his eyes.

“I can see that, Z.” You narrowed your gaze, then nudged his arm playfully.

“See, your weird feelings were right!” Jay announced, causing you to freeze. You hadn’t said anything to the others about your feelings about the place, and you honestly didn’t want them to know. You wanted to find a good reason behind it, and not feed into it.

You glared over at Jay, wishing he hadn’t said anything.

“Wait, what feelings?” Zak interrogated, practically leaping out of his chair. “You felt something? You?” You closed your eyes for a moment, then nodded.

“The moment I walked into the place, I felt like my stomach was flipping. Like you’re waiting for something to jump out and scare you. It’s like dread and fear, especially in that bedroom upstairs where the woman was murdered.” You met Zak’s gaze, then Aaron’s, and the rest of the crew. Even at nerve center in the RV, outside of the building, you could feel something bothering you. So, the last thing you wanted was to go back into that house.

And it was almost like Zak knew that.

“Y/N, maybe the woman who was killed in there is somehow connected to you, and that’s why you’re feeling that way.” You couldn’t disagree with him. There was no other conclusion that you could confirm, or even think of at that point. So, Zak’s next words didn’t surprise you.

“Babe, how about you come in with me and we check out that bedroom—”

“Woah, Zak! We’re in the middle of a lockdown, dude.” You rolled your eyes. Oh, leave it to the adorable Aaron Goodwin.

“No, Aaron, I’m serious. The woman was murdered in that room. Maybe she’ll reach out to another woman. If a bunch of men go in there, she might feel threatened and not want to reach out.” You didn’t really want to do this, but you knew at this point you had no choice. Plus, if the spirit of the woman was in that room, she may reach out to you, and that may lead to some amazing evidence.

“Fine,” you sighed. “Let’s go.” Zak grinned, pushed his glasses back up his nose, then led the way out of the RV.

Billy stood in the doorway filming Zak and you as you both stood in the bedroom. Your stomach swirled and flipped while you held the spirit box in your hand. The echoes of the rapid sweeps filled the room as you leaned against a small dresser.

“Is the woman who was killed in the room here with us?” you asked into the room. Zak stood beside the bed holding the SLS camera towards you.

“Are you still afraid? Even now that you’ve died?” The sweeps continued without voices. “Because I can feel that fear. The fear you felt. And I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“He’s here.”

The female voice came through quickly, but clearly. Your arms filled with goosebumps the moment those words entered the air.

“Who is here?” you shouted over the echoing noise.

“Him.”

The voice came through as a low growl. You jumped back a little, then peered up at Zak.

“What the fuck was that?” you gasped, keeping your eyes on Zak. The feelings you had from the beginning were now plaguing you tenfold, and you were almost positive you were going to puke. You felt like you needed to get out of the room immediately. It almost felt like something was coming after you and you needed to run for your life.

“Zak, I need to leave. I can’t be in here anymore,” you rasped, starting to panic. “I can’t breathe.” You turned for the door, but were met by the broad chest of your boyfriend blocking your path. You stared up at him, barely able to see his face through the faint light that came through the window.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Billy asked from the other side of the doorway. He held the camera up, but the barely visible look on his face was wrought with concern.

Your heart galloped in your chest as you reached up and pressed a firm hand on Zak’s chest. Something was affecting him, and you knew you needed to get the two of you out. You swallowed the immense fear that overcame you and focused on getting through to Zak.

“Zak, please let me leave.” You stared up at the faint features of his face. He didn’t move, didn’t say a word. His brow was lightly furrowed behind the frames of his glasses, and his eyes were cold. You held your hand firm against Zak’s chest and lifted your head up ever so slightly, asserting yourself.

“Whoever if affecting Zak, you need to leave him alone. I’m not afraid of you. We aren’t afraid of you. You can’t bully people anymore.” You watched as Zak’s face contorted slightly behind his respirator mask. He released a low groan from deep in his chest.

“Leave me alone!” he shouted to whoever was affecting him. Your theory was that it was the man who committed murder in the room, who was mad that there was another woman in there. He may have attached to Zak knowing that you two were a couple. He was probably mad that a woman was standing up to him. And you sure as hell weren’t going to back down.

“Y/N, I need to get out of here,” Zak almost pleaded as he turned away from you and took a step towards Billy. There was still something very wrong, but you let him go, hoping that once he left the building he would be okay. Billy moved to the side, allowing Zak to leave, then ran back in to collect the SLS camera from the bed where Zak had dropped it. You turned back to the dresser where you had left the spirit box so you could turn it off.

“Leave here.”

You froze in place, feeling Billy peering over your shoulder. He gasped as the female voice spoke those words. Your eyes filled with tears as you began to speculate. The woman was trying to protect you.

“They want us to leave,” Billy concluded. They didn’t have to tell you twice. You quickly turned off the spirit box, then booked it out of there with Billy on your heels.

Zak sat in the RV beside Aaron with his head in his hands. Without even looking at his face, you could tell he was close to tears as he sat hunched over on one of the chairs. You approached him, noticing Aaron’s hand on his shoulder.

“Hey,” you breathed as you crouched down in front of him and rested your wrists on his knees. “Zak, talk to me.”

Of course he was upset that he was affected by a spirit. He was usually emotional and drained after something like that. But this time, he seemed way more upset than drained. You reached up to peel one of his hands from his face.

“Zak, tell me what’s going through you head right now.” You had grown very accustomed to soothing the team members after something scary like this, being the one who was usually settled at base camp. Even the fearless leader needed comforting after a long night. But, he had never been affected while having you as the target of his rage.

“When we were in that room, I got these horrible flash images of violence and rage.” He sighed, lowering his other hand, but not looking at you. You took the other hand in yours, trying your best to keep from shaking yourself.

“What kind of images, Zak? Were they violent? Towards me?” Zak just nodded his answer, making you feel sick again. It had to have been the man who murdered his wife in that room. You were positive. And you knew he was thinking the same thing.

“I stood there and I just wanted too—” He sucked in a breath, very clearly trying to hold back tears. “I wanted to snap your neck.”

“Woah, dude,” Aaron gasped from beside Zak. He rubbed gentle circles into his best friend’s shoulder. “It was that man putting those images in your head, man. It wasn’t you.” You nodded in agreement, then peered back to Zak, who was now looking at you. His eyes were red and glassy with tears that threatened to fall.

“It made me think of hurting you. It made me want to hurt you. To kill you.” Zak started to shake his head. “I’ve never even thought I could ever imagine hurting you. And just seeing that so vividly in my head—” Zak lowered his head again. Tears finally broke through, landing on the dark fabric of his pants.

“Hey, it wasn’t you, love,” you whispered to him as you squeezed both of his hands. “I know it wasn’t. That’s why I confronted him. I needed to stand my ground.” Zak shuddered and closed his eyes.

“I don’t ever want to think about hurting you again. I want those thoughts to go away. I want that sick fucking feeling to go away.” Zak grit his teeth, then relaxed.

You tilted your head, trying to recapture his gaze. “Zak, look at me.” He slowly lifted his head. “Those weren’t your thoughts. I know you would never hurt me.” Your palm gently met his cheek. The sparse stubble tickled your skin.

“That was so fucked up,” he breathed out, finally offering you a ghost of a smile. You returned the gesture and leaned your forehead against his.

“Guys,” you announced to the room, “I think we’re done for the night. It’s almost five in the morning. Do you mind giving us some space?”

“Yeah, we’ll go take down the equipment,” Jay responded, before heading for the door. The others followed him out, leaving you alone with Zak.

You pulled your head back a little, staring into the haunted blue eyes before you. Zak was rarely this vulnerable, so whatever he saw in his mind must have really gotten to him. He was normally a bit protective of you, happy that you preferred to be at nerve center most of the time. That’s where you could see everything as it happened and would be able to debunk it quickly. When you did go in on an investigation, you were usually with Jay or Aaron in a place where there weren’t as many violent occurrences.  

So, this whole thing was way out of both of your comfort zones. And, you could tell that Zak felt guilty for sending you in.

“Zak, I love you. Please don’t be upset about all of this. None of this was your fault.” You cupped his jaw in your hands. “I agreed to go in with you, despite how I felt about the place. And, you didn’t hurt me. You may have imagined it, or thought about it, but you didn’t hurt me. Even though you were strongly affected, you didn’t even touch me.” Zak nodded lightly, covering your hands with his. “I know it sounds cheesy and ridiculous, but it must have been your love that kept you from being fully affected by this horrible entity. And, well, that means a heck of a lot to me.”

Zak huffed a laugh and smiled. “Yeah, the power of love. Cheeseball.” You both giggled with each other, holding each other close. You folded your legs under you so you could kneel on the ground. Then, you leaned in, closing the distance between you and Zak.

You had been with Zak for a while now, and every kiss with him was better than the last. But, this kiss was different. A warm electricity filled you as he pulled you closer, almost clinging onto you for dear life. As cheesy as it really did sound, you were absolutely right about Zak. His deep love for you kept his mind clear enough for him to not follow through on whatever he was feeling in that room. It felt pretty darn good that Zak Bagans, the smart, handsome, and honestly a bit cocky, leader of Ghost Adventures loved you that deeply.

Zak’s lips devoured yours, like this kiss was all that was keeping you there. His hands reached for your arms, your shoulders. One finally found its home on the side of your neck, the other cradling the back of your head. He slowly guided you onto his lap, never breaking contact.

Zak broke his grip and lowered his hands to your waist, tugging you against his form. Nothing about his touch was sexual. He was desperate for closeness, as were you, pleading with each other to never let go. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders while your noses gently brushed.

With a deep sigh, Zak finally pulled away. He felt lighter, happier. You could tell that he was back to his normal self.

“How ya feelin’, handsome?” you whispered. Zak sniffled lightly and smiled.

“A lot better.” He cleared his throat. He reached up and rubbed a red mark that was left over the bridge of his nose from his respirator mask. “I never want that to happen again.”

You nodded. “Well, I don’t know if either of us can guarantee that. But, I’m here now.” You kissed the small red mark.

“I love you,” he muttered under his breath. You ran your fingers through his hair, then stood, extending a hand.

“I love you too, Zak.” He took your hand and stood. “C’mon, let’s go help the others.”

Thanks for reading. Feedback is appreciated! <3

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: West Coast Avengers #2: “BLANKING OUT!”

October, 1984

"Up Against the BLANK!”

Beware his crosshatching!

So the formation of the West Coast Avengers continues! I guess! It looks like Tigra, Wonder Man, and Iron Man stuck around at least long enough to be on this cover.

We’ll see if the prospect of being on a team led by Hawkeye manages to win them over.

So last time on West Coast Avengers: Hawkeye was sent by the Vision to create an All-New All-Different Avengers team on the West Coast. A kind of West Coast Avengers. Like the Avengers but in LA.

Vision sent out invites to Wonder Man, Tigra, and Rhodey Iron Man but didn’t tell them what they were being invited for. Leading to not only some hesitance to commit once they learned what was what but also Tigra’s friend the Shroud following her to the LA Avengers Compound because the vague invite worried Tigra’s other friend Jessica Drew. Phew.

The Shroud puts up such a great fight when the hypothetical West Coast Avengers attack him (assuming that some dude breaking in is up to something) that Hawkeye offers him the open spot on the team but Shroud turns it down.

By this point in the East Coast Avengers’ history, depending on where you count it starting, they either got punked by Loki or by a Space Phantom. So, the West Coast Avengers aren’t actually doing so bad, even though they’re not technically officially a team yet.

Its all a matter of perspective.

Huh. We’re like ten years too early for Iron Man to be trying to kill everyone.

To kinda spoil the game early, this is a training exercise.

Hawkeye is attempting to prove a point that Captain America told him “with the proper teamwork, even the strongest opponent can be beaten!”

It gets back to the Avengers’ whole Earth’s mightiest heroes banding together to fight the foes no single hero can overcome thing. It’s a sales pitch for why these reluctant West Coasts should Avenger.

And even given that Iron Man far outmuscles Hawkeye, Mockingbird, and Tigra, teamwork and skill does prove capable of bringing him down. Kinda.

Hawkeye uses some smokescreen arrows to try to cloud Iron Man’s vision but he has infrared lenses. He tries to tackle Tigra but she outmaneuvers him and jumps on his back. Distracting him so Mockingbird can bonk him in the head with her staves and Hawkeye can gum up Iron Man’s boot jets.

Its good teamwork but while Hawkeye is explaining that it’s good teamwork, Iron Man repulsors the ground and knocks the other three on their asses to demonstrate another important lesson.

Iron Man: “Never count your enemy out, until you’re sure he’s really out!”

Although. This WAS a training exercise.

While you raise a good point, Rhodey, surely you didn’t want them to break your armor or knock you out for a training exercise?

Anyway, after the exercise is over, Hawkeye tells Iron Man (James Rhodes) that it reminds him of when they used to go at it (back when Hawkeye was an accidental villain) and Rhodey Iron Man just awkwardly says that he’s glad they’re buds now. Because THIS IS EXACTLY WHY HE QUIT THE AVENGERS IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Having to awkwardly tip toe around not being the original guy!

But on the other hand, he liked working with the Avengers in Secret Wars, which made him reconsider the team thing. While he doesn’t want to lean on someone else’s reputation, he also doesn’t want to be treated like an amateur. So awkward it is.

Hawkeye tells Iron Man maybe don’t knock him on his ass so hard next time.

I do love Clint and Bobbi’s relationship. They’re delightful.

While Rhodey is rethinking his reluctance to Avenge, Tigra isn’t. This training exercise about how weaker heroes can team up to bring down a stronger opponent is not landing.

Tigra: I’ll bet Iron Man could have blown us away whenever he felt like it... He was probably just toying with us during the whole workout! I’m not anywhere near being in his league... Why did I let Hawkeye talk me into joining his new Avengers team?

There’s always one person on the Avengers whose whole thing is insecurity and the West Coast Avengers is practically full of them. Hawkeye, Wonder Man, Tigra have all served that role in the past. Mockingbird is worrying that she doesn’t belong.

I’d rather Tigra stuck with the insecurity rather than what she gets when West Coast Avengers gets an ongoing...

Anyway, over at Simon Williams, Wonder Stuntman’s house, he’s packing up his house to move to Avengers compound.

Since the house was prefab and pretty shoddily built, the whole wall swings up like a garage door so Simon can just pull all his possessions out and put them in a big crate.

Simon’s good stuntman pal Freddy asks if Simon is really going to go back to the superhero life.

Wonder Man: “Freddy, for good or bad, Wonder Man is what I am! It’s taken me awhile to become comfortable with that. But I finally have. And you know, I think being a stuntman these last few months helped! Doing stunt work day after day has really given me a sense of my own worth. You and the rest of the stunt crews helped me find a new life... I owe you a lot! But I also owe the Avengers! When Hawkeye offered me an active role in the Avengers new west coast expansion team, I surprised myself by signing on. I guess what I’m saying is that the Avengers is part of my life, too. And I found myself missing it more than I’d expected!”

Good for you, you waffling man. But you’d better be careful you don’t end up in a Hank Pym spiral where you bounce between your superhero and civilian lives and don’t find satisfaction in half assing either. Find yourself a good work life balance.

Anyway, Simon doesn’t plan to quit the stunt work. He’s going to try to juggle it and the Avengers.

Now that I’m not sure he’ll manage. Movies and super-heroics both have demanding schedules without set hours.

Simon and Freddy take a break to go buy more nails at the hardware store for Simon to hammer in with his bare hands. But on their way, they hear an alarm at the bank.

Crosshatch man from the cover is robbing the bank, just casually strolling out with a bag of money while bullets bounce off of him.

The Blank: “I have a gun too! And it doesn’t shoot blanks! Hah-haha-ha!!”

I’ve long held that the unspoken rule in comics book is that one of the first things someone shouts about you becomes your name.

Just ask poor Ben Grimm, the Thing.

So when a random person shouts that the bank robber is blank, the robber is like ‘huh, that’s catchy!’

Anyway, the robber confidently strolls out of the bank and right into Simon Wonder Man Williams.

The Blank shoots his gun at Simon and to his dismay finds out that he’s not the only one who bullets bounce off of.

Then Simon punches the guy twenty feet back INTO the bank.

The Blank woozily proclaims that Wonder Man can’t stop the Blank so Wonder Man just kinda picks him up and tucks him under arm. Although the Blank does manage to pistol whip the sunglasses right off of Simon’s face.

Doesn’t hurt him but it does freak everyone in the bank out.

Dunno if you remember but due to being reborn as an energy being, Simon’s eyes are red and full of kirby krackle. He can turn it off if he concentrates but he prefers to wear the glasses.

And while Simon is telling the people in the bank that there’s no need to panic on his account, the Blank slips right out of his grip and jumps through the window.

When Simon comes out to the street, he finds that the Blank has somehow managed to disappear into the crowd, despite being a screentone man.

Probably because the Blank just turned the effect off and pretended to be a Perfectly Normal Man on the Street.

Sneaky.

The guy returns to his apartment and yuks it up at the news report about him making a clean getaway, police baffled.

The Blank: “After a lifetime of bad breaks, Lady Luck has finally smiled on me! Hah-ha! And to think I owe it to lousy bus service...”

So this origin is a lot. And its amazing.

In the Blank’s flashback, he’s waiting at the bus stop for a late bus when an ex-employee of Stark International who quit when Stane took over the company shows up and starts complaining about the bus service. And then smoothly shifts to complaining about his old job.

Very annoyed scientist: “If it’s not one thing it’s another! But it’s no wonder the world’s in the shape it’s in... Not with the quality of management today! They’re idiots... all idiots!”

He tells this random guy he doesn’t know that when he quit, he took his newest invention with him.

Very annoyed scientist: “I put too much work into my brainchild to let that leech Stane get it! I’m going into business for myself!”

And then, as he’s boasting that he’ll be rich enough to buy and sell Stane in a year, the very annoyed scientist walks into the street without looking and gets hit by a car.

The very annoyed scientist’s briefcase lands right at the pre-Blank’s feet who definitely doesn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. So he took it home and after a few months figured out how to operate the invention: a slippery force-field.

Back in the present, he charges the force field belt up and then heads off after a big score. Not noticing a man shaped cloud of energy coming out of the charger pleading for more energy.

Huh.

Weird.

Over at Avengers Compound, the West Coast Avengers are assembled. Hawkeye has gotten the go-ahead of the LAPD to take this Blank case but Wonder Man insists that the Avengers can find him but he’s going to make the collar.

Yup, Simon has gotten a bug in his collar about letting the guy get away.

Wonder Man: “I had him in my hands, and he slipped right through them! What good am I to the Avengers if I can’t handle one gimmicky bank robber by myself?”

Hawkeye: “No good at all, if you worry more about personal performance than you do about how you work as part of this team! What do you want to do, search all of Greater L.A. on your own? That’s crazy!”

Geez, Wonder Man. That’s how gimmick criminals are supposed to work. Its not a gimmick if you beat it in the first encounter. The gimmick trips you up at the beginning of the story so you look like a smarty for figuring it out for the resolution.

The other Avengers chime in a plan divide the city into sections and each search that section. And whoever finds him will call the others.

Wonder Man admits that the plan makes a lot of sense and storms off in a fit of ‘WHAT A REASONABLE SUGGESTION, GOODNIGHT.’

Mockingbird: “Well, hotshot, you just weathered your first leadership crisis. Why the thoughtful look?”

Hawkeye: “I was just remembering how I used to be the one who always blew his stack. Honey, all of a sudden I feel old... real old!”

Hah!

You’ve wanted this for years Hawkeye. AND you’ve built up a lot of lets say debt with the universe by being a jerk about it at times.

Although, Wonder Man isn’t really a great Hawkeye. He’s pretty mellow most of the time. Of the people I expected to get a random obsession with a not very dangerous criminal, it wasn’t Wonder Man.

He has always had a streak of insecurity (which is the secret ingredient when making a Hawkeye) and not being able to stop this guy right when he was feeling good and ready to superhero again. A real situational case.

But Tigra is the one feeling the insecurity the hardest so I’m afraid you’ll need another character beat, Simon. Hothead is available.

So the West Coast Avengers split up and patrol different parts of the urban sprawl. Tigra lurks the rooftops of Chinatown, Iron Man scans the area around the Santa Monica Mountains, Hawkeye flies above the high-rises of Marina Del Rey on his skycycle, Mockingbird cruises L.A.’s freeways in her custom pink convertible, Wonder Man hangs out on the L.A. City Hall in the downtown searching by binoculars, and I learn what the different bits of L.A. are.

Productive night for everyone.

But over in Inglewood, the Blank prepares for his Big Job.

He’s going to heist a Wells Fargo armored car.

Wait, would an armored car be a bigger heist than robbing an actual bank??

And if you somehow got the idea that the Blank is a criminal mastermind, he’s not. The armored car guards spot him coming and just decide to take off when a screentoned man starts running at them.

The Blank shoots one of the guards so he doesn’t manage to lock the rear of the money car but the other guard is locked up tight in the front and refuses to stop even when the Blank is threatening to kill his partner.

Wow. Guess other people’s money is more important to the guy than his co-worker’s life.

Since the guy tells the Blank that he’s driving the armored car right to the nearest police station, the Blank just grabs as much money as he can carry. Then he jumps out the back and slides to a stop on his belly like a penguin.

What a useful force field.

But the Blank’s bad night gets worse because then Mockingbird, Hawkeye, and Iron Man all show up, alerted by the police report.

The Blank at least has a realistic view of his capabilities. In that he’s not the guy that thinks a simple gimmick will let him start taking over the world. He just wants to rob a few banks and armored cars. And he does not want to fight the Avengers!

Especially not Iron Man!

Iron Man’s armor has all kinds of stuff in it and he might figure out a way through the force field!

So the guy decides to tackle some gas pumps.

Which naturally causes an enormous fire.

Not a bad plan, really. The explosion will launch the Blank from the scene with the force field keeping him safe and the heroes will stop to save lives as heroes tend to do.

While Hawkeye and Mockingbird help the gas station employees away from the fire, Iron man picks up a dump truck full of sand and puts out the fire.

Wonder Man and Tigra arrive as he’s doing that and Hawkeye has to tell Simon that the Blank got away or exploded.

Simon actually takes it pretty chill, just betting that no way a tough customer like the Blank died in the explosion.

And he’s right. Although the guy isn’t really a tough customer.

Actually, he’s planning on skipping town.

Avengers heat is too much heat for him. Plus, yeah, the force field protected him from the explosion but he was blown three blocks away and the impact of landing knocked him silly for five minutes and he was terrified he’d be caught anyway. Plus, he lost all that sweet Wells Fargo money.

So he’s going to take the bank robbery money from the morning and move somewhere with fewer superheroes.

He’s just gonna charge the force field for the road and- whoa dang a whole ass man popped out of thin air.

And its Graviton??

What were you doing in thin air, Graviton?

The Blank assumes this guy - wearing a costume and a cape - why he’s gotta be a superhero! And he immediately surrenders! He’ll return the money, turn over the force field device, go to jail, just don’t make him deal with those Avengers again!

Graviton is like hey buddy, I’m not with the Avengers and if you’re skipping town because of them, don’t bother. “Help me, and you’ll never have to worry about Avengers again!”

Ruh roh.

Now Graviton is, historically, kind of a dingus considering he’s a mad scientist, but he is powerful enough that he soloed a pretty powerful Avengers roster which had Iron Man, Thor, Wonder Man, and Vision.

The West Coast Avengers has Iron Man and Wonder Man but also has the more street level Hawkeye, Mockingbird, and Tigra. They don’t have the do-anything bullshit of Scarlet Witch or Vision’s robot brain or Cap’s strategy. Or whatever esoteric power the wild card Avenger of the era has like Captain Marvel’s command of the electromagnetic spectrum, Starfox’s PLEASURE POWERS or Moondragon’s psychic powers.

If Graviton decides to set up in L.A., then the newly formed West Coast Avengers could be in big trouble.

Maybe even two issues worth of trouble!

... What? This is a miniseries! There’s only so much he’s going to be able to do in the time left!

Follow @essential-avengers​ because you want to see what happens next, probably? Also, like and reblog because you want to?

[noaltbruh]

BRUNO SURVIVES AU

HUGE SPOILERS FROM PART 5, VENTO AUREO

Everything seemed to have come to an end, Giorno took one last look at the river where Diavolo had fallen down, then summoned Gold Experience Requiem.

For a reason not even the boy himself could understand...He was afraid of his stand. It kept on staring him right in the eyes, like a slave waiting for his master's commands.

He knew it couldn't hurt him, but it didn't matter, he couldn't bring himself to believe this was really an incarnation of his soul.

"At your service, how may I assist you?"

Upon hearing the stand talking like an independent identity, the fear inside Giorno's heart grew even bigger.

"I need to know...What have you done to Diavolo?"

He said, directing his sigh to the arrow stuck in its palm.

"I gave him the punishment a being like him deserves. He wished to be at the top, to overcome any...Error of his past, to become unkillable. And now... He will be experiencing death until everything ceases to exist. I'd dare to say, it's almost amusing, wouldn't you agree?"

The stand concluded, a little smirk formed on his face.

Giorno didn't have the courage to look at the...Creature he had just given life to, he instinctively turned around, facing away from it.

"Master? Aren't you satisfied with my work?"

The godly entity said, approaching his user, trying to get him to and face it.

But Giorno still resisted, instictly closing his eyes.

"Be more specific, what kind of punishment is he enduring?"

"He will be constantly sent to alternatives realities, and in each one of them he will experience a different form of death, like drowning, to make a simple example. Even right now, as we're talking, Diavolo has already been killed multiple times"

The young boy bit his lips, when he felt something touching him on the shoulder, it didn't take much to realize whose hand it was.

"What's the matter, Master? Your behavior is quite...Unusual"

"...Everything is fine"

"Allow me to remember you, that I'm nothing more than a manifestation of yourself, hiding your thoughts from me isn't going to be particularly useful"

"I'm not hiding anything"

He said, retracting his stand, a drop of blood fell on his chest

"Know your place"

He turned around and reopened his eyes; his attention was caught by Mista and Trish sharing a laugh together. Giorno wondered how they could be so carefree after everything they've been through.

Abbacchio... Narancia... Bucciarati...

He asked to himself how he could have ever explained to them that the man was gone, and that he had known it from the beginning.

"Come on Giorno, we gotta save Bucciarati!"

Mista said, interrupting his friend's thoughts.

The blonde, in return, did not say a word; trying to avoid anyone's gaze, he followed the older boy and Trish to the colosseum, bringing Polnareff along with them.

His steps were slow, reluctant, and heavy. He didn't have the courage to face what was going to happen next.

"Uh...This place didn't look so big earlier, we're gonna take hours to find him! Giorno, can you use Gold Experience to sense his life energy?"

"My stand has been quite active lately, I'd rather not overuse it, if you don't mind"

It was the best excuse he could make up on the moment, he has always had a talent to trick everyone around him as it pleased him, but this time...It was different. He wished he could have just run away, and convince himself that it was for the best.

Before Trish could answer, they heard a scream coming not very far away from them, it was Mista's.

The girl grabbed Giorno by the arm, and ran into the direction where the sound came from.

At last...There it was: Bucciarati's body. His eyes were open, but there was no flicker of light inside of them, just a plain, dull blue. A part of his clothes was torn, even though there wasn't a single drop of blood on him.

"It...It can't be...This is a joke, r-right? Bucciarati is going to wake up...He'll be fine...RIGHT?"

Trish fell to her knees, as the tears started flooding on her face.

Even if she had known the man in white for such a short time, he had been a better parental figure to her than her own father ever was.

Mista put an hand on her shoulder, trying to restrain from bursting in tears as well.

Giorno simply stood there, constantly switching his sigh from the two mourning teens to Bruno's corpse.

The shell of the turtle he was holding slipped away from his palms, and fell to the ground. Every inch of his body was shaking like the last leaf left on a tree in the middle of October, fighting back, to show that he was stronger than the ones around him.

Shaking...That's what he would always do whenever he felt fear invading him.

"There's no point in crying" is the phrase he'd constantly repeat to himself as a child, every time his mother would leave him in the middle of the night, or his father would brutally hit him with the closest object he could find.

When Narancia's soul left his body, for the first time in his life, Giorno felt his eyes getting wet, but he refused to let the tears flow, he couldn't show such sign of weakness in a situation where all of their lives were on the line.

But now... Staring at that body completely drained of any sign of energy, reminded him of the heart crushing sensation of seeing his closest friend vanishing in front of his eyes, and not being able to do anything to save him.

For a split second, he felt the urge to jump from the railing that ideally separated the two of them. He wanted to follow him, he didn't care where they would have gone, he could not bring himself to accept that Bruno was not there anymore.

Giorno was just a boy, and despite how much he didn't want to admit it, he was still immature, he refused to let go of the blue haired man.

He had already experienced it in Venezia; when he noticed that his attempts to keep in contact with Bucciarati inside the tower had failed, he panicked, and did something no member of an organization like Passione should do: disobey his Boss' orders.

And even then, his desire to keep him by his side...Was so strong that he said 'no' to death itself.

But in the end, it was useless, bringing him back was just a fake hope Giorno had decided to believe in.

Mista turned around to look at the boy, his expression was a mixture of anger and deep sadness. He was clutching his teeth, breathing heavily.

"What are you waiting for? Heal him! Bring him back before it's too late, or are you just going to stand there and let him suffer until he dies?"

"M-Mista...You know I can't do that, just like I couldn't bring Abbacchio or Narancia back, Bucciarati's soul has already left his body"

He reached out his arm into the gunman's direction, but Mista pulled away, pointing his stand right into the boy with green eyes' head.

"How are you so calm, uh? How aren't you shedding a single tear? Did you ever even care about him, about ANY of us?!"

"...I understand how you feel, but Bucciarati was perfectly aware of the risk he would have taken when we betrayed Diav-"

"YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING, GIOVANNA! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE SUPERIOR TO ALL OF US"

He said, nervously tickling the trigger. He was expecting Giorno to get back, or to at least show any kind of concern. But the boy did not flinch, looking at him with eyes emptier than Bucciarati's.

It almost seemed like it was exactly what he wanted: he was waiting- no, he was hoping for Mista to shoot at him.

"W-WHAT THE HELL GIORNO? DO YOU WANT ME TO P-PUT A FREAKING BULLET I-IN YOUR HEAD SO MUCH?"

"Do as it pleases you, I am not going to fight back"

"...You knew a-about this, didn't you? What did you do to him inside the tower in Venezia?"

"..."

Mista put the gun down, and grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him against the floor. Giorno's curls were reduced to a blonde mess.

The back of his clothes got torn as well, one of the lady bug ornaments fell to the ground, breaking in two.

"I told you, I'm not going to resist"

The calmness that came from his voice was unnatural, like a patient mother who had seen her child throwing a tantrum multiple times, and had become apathetic to it.

"I won't say it again, Giovanna. What did you do to Bucciarati in Venezia?"

Giorno sighed heavily, then took a deep breath. Despite how numb he may have looked from outside, he was just as much, if not, more hurt to see Bucciarati in that state than anyone else.

"Bucciarati was killed"

Those words resonated throughout the entire Colosseum. The two boys could hear Trish's sobs becoming even louder than before, but they brushed it off.

"...The hell are you talking about? Did you go insane? Are you seriously telling me your stand can bring people back from the dead? I want the truth, not some fairy ta-"

"You're not entirely wrong, but you are not right either"

"W-what did you just say?"

"I did bring him back to life, or so I thought...To the very least. But the energy that my Gold Experience was able to inject inside of him only lasted for a very short time. His soul was perfectly intact...But his body was simply too unstable"

Mista let go of the boy, gesturing for him to get up. The anger in his eyes seemed to have vanished, his tone was now resembling Giorno's.

"Alright, I believe you"

The latter picked up what was left of his left brooch, and tried to get some dust off his clothes.

"Very well, I'm glad we could-"

"Do it again"

Mista said, kneeling down to Bruno's level, to check the parts of his body that he had previously shot to.

"You said you brought him back, do it again"

Giorno got closer to his companion, putting an hand on his shoulder.

"Mista... I cannot do that, some stands are remarkably powerful, but they have limits too"

"Maybe before, but yours is not a normal stand anymore, if he managed to survive for a while using only its old powers, who says that it's not going to work permanently this time?"

"I'm-"

"Not leaving until you try"

He concluded, stepping back so that Giorno could have a full view of the body. Reluctantly, he summoned his stand, still avoiding doing eye contact as hard as he could.

"Master, if I may, I don't believe this is exactly a very smart idea"

"I know, and I agree, but we will never see the end of this if we don't at least give it a try"

"Don't...Please"

"What's the matter? In the worst case scenario, nothing will change, we'll just give Bucciarati the burial he deserves, and move on"

"This will be the biggest regret in your life, we don't have to do this, YOU are the Boss now, Mista has no authority over you"

"...You're right"

He gently put the man's head on his knees, placing an hand on his chest.

"And you don't either"

Before the stand could oppose any resistance, a blindly beam of light surrounded the three.

One, two, three minutes passed. Nonetheless, such a small period of time seemed to be never-ending.

Gold Experience Requiem vanished,  accompanied by the sound of Giorno's heavy breathing, he could barely keep his eyes open.

That's when he suddenly heard something resonating, even though he could not tell where it came from.

It was a calm, slow sound, that seemed to become slightly more intense with every moment that passed.

Instinctively, he looked down, and was met with a pair of bright, blue, lively eyes staring back at him.

That sound...Was Bucciarati's heartbeat.

His lips were contracted, forming an imperceptible smile. He put his hand on the boy's, it was warm, and delicate.

"G-Giorno? I...I don't understand... Why am I here? Y-you...Didn't die, r-right? We were so close to d-defeating Diavolo, don't tell m-me..."

"Everything is okay, Bucciarati. I'm alive...And so are you"

"What? But...My s-soul...How did this happen?"

"I'm...Not quite sure, to be honest. I suppose my stand has truly surpassed any other"

In a matter of few seconds, the man found himself surrounded by Mista and Trish, who hugged him tight with tears in their eyes.

"Bucciarati...You're alive! It worked, it actually worked!"

"We...We thought we had lost you forever...I'm NEVER letting you go again!"

The man chuckled softly, moved by their genuine concern for him.

He turned his attention to Giorno, who had immediately retracted himself in the moment the two had threw themself on him.

"Aren't you happy to see me? Don't you want to join us?"

"I...never really liked physical contact, I hope you understand"

"Is that so?"

Bruno summoned Sticky Fingers, giving the blonde boy a small push from behind, making him fall right on him.

"Forgive me, but I have no intention of letting you out of this group hug"

He smiled sweetly, hoping for a smile in return, but Giorno lowered his head, his hands still welded to his hips.

"If...You insist"

[parachutingkitten]

Season 5 Analysis

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I am going to be applying the concept of criticism to a TV show you presumably love and adore as much as I do. If you do not want your idea that the show is immaculate to be challenged, I would not advise reading past this point.

Additional Disclaimer: This includes criticism of Nya’s arc, so if you’re the type of person to get catty about this subject, turn back now.

Mood for this season: It’s spoopy time.

You don’t need to, but if you are interested, and haven’t seen my analysis of past seasons, you can find those here:

Pilot - Season 1 - Season 2 - Season 3 - Season 4

You can also find all of these, and future installments, on my blog using the tag #analysis 

Hey everyone! I’m still doing these things! Let’s see, when was my last one? Over two years ago...? Yikes, I owe y’all an apology. I really didn’t mean to put these off that long. Anyway, get ready to hate me, cuz although (for the most part) this seems to be the fandom favorite season… I think it’s overhyped. I know, don’t kill me. I’ll explain myself. I don’t think it’s bad or anything, it’s very well structured, but I definitely wouldn’t rank it among my favorites. First, for a little context, I am making a one second of every ninjago episode video right now, so I’ve been binging the series and all it’s shorts back to back, so I think I’ll have a bit more to say about connective tissue between seasons, and hopefully you guys can look forward to more of these analyses between now and the new year when I’m releasing that video. I’m also officially a film major now so… sorry if I come of as extra pretentious or get too deep. Anyway, let’s jump into the thick of it, shall we? 

Plot

This is probably the area I have the fewest number of complaints about. This season has a breakneck pace and it keeps everyone busy. I think that’s why people like it. Everyone’s favorite has something to do. Which brings me to the question… which ninja’s season is this? Lloyd is on a lot of the promotional stuff, but he’s possessed and out of the picture for over half the season, so that can’t be right. Cole turns into a ghost, and the season is a ghost season, but that can’t be right cuz I don’t know that I’ve ever heard anyone claim it was his. Nya reaches her true potential, maybe it’s hers? Well, she does have a large b-plot, but she is consistently not a part of the a-plot. Kai has a whole thing with being protective of Lloyd, he has his fear of water, maybe it’s just another Kai season? Thing is, it’s no one’s. It is an ensemble season, and I think that’s a healthy thing for ninjago to keep doing. The more we label certain seasons for certain ninja, the more complaining we’ll get about who’s turn it is for screen time that we’ll miss out on telling a good story. Also, If the season is focused on a ninja you don’t like, you are less likely to like the season (see my next analysis for that can of worms). Again, this season tells it’s story really well. Morro directly ties into the ending of last season, and Nya’s getting water powers was foreshadowed the season before. That’s some cool connective tissue to start. The opening episode establishes the three different things the ninja will be looking for, and for once they’re actual tools instead of a series of weapons, blades, masks, whatever. I like that. Jay has some really good humor, Zane has his speech changes, Kai has his irrational fears and protective instincts, Cole has his ghost angst, Lloyd has to deal with his father’s passing, Nya is a new water ninja, Wu has a shop to run and a student to reconnect with, even Ronin has an arc about developing morals and gaining friends. There’s the mystery about how to deal with the ghosts, what the rules are, there’s the leader subplot, the ninja’s money situation, and lore of the different realms, they even worked in Skylor and Borg, there’s a lot of cool stuff going on. This is a tightly woven script that manages to include a lot of new concepts that you get pretty quick. I don’t feel like there’s even that much fat to cut. The opening is a little slow and strange, and the cloud kingdom episode feels a little unnecessary, but I do like the idea of visiting a different realm early in the season so the audience isn’t caught off guard in the climax. Again, the plot all works for me, it’s the other stuff I find myself pretty meh on.

Characters

Ronin

I’m pretty sure Ronin is the only new (non villain) character introduced. I like him a lot. Ninjago needed a true wildcard to shake things up and be unpredictable. I also think he’s pretty nicely woven into the action of the plot. I think his introduction is a bit strange. Like, the ninja already know him, but we’ve never seen him before? Just the way they talk about him sounds like they’re quickly recapping who this guy is for those who missed previous episodes. It’s fine if the ninja already know him but either 1) Introduce or foreshadow him a season earlier or 2) Introduce their dynamic to the audience before it becomes plot relevant. Maybe the ninja are grumbling about him being a nuisance while tea shenanigans are going on or something. Or maybe you have a scene of him stealing the scroll and making snarky remarks about the ninja while he does it. Idk. just something so his sudden plot relevance isn’t out of nowhere. Also, I don’t hate his and Nya’s dynamic, but I know a lot of people love it, and I’m just not totally here for it. Is he supposed to be a father figure for her? Mentor? Frienemy? Just plain friend? (love interest???) it’s not super clear and I could have used some clarification. I also like his use and tie to the next season, so overall, well integrated character.

Nya

I’m adding in Nya here cuz she goes through a major character change, and how she’s handled is one of the things that rubs me the wrong way about the season. A lot of people will probably disagree and/or hate me for this section of the analysis so… here we go! The thing she has to get past to reach her true potential is fear of failure (supposedly) and the solution to that is to just… not care as much? First of all, I know this isn’t supper important, but the fun thing about the ninjago elements is that every elemental master matched up personality wise with their element. Jay is the energetic master of lightning, Kai is the hothead master of fire, Zane is the calm and calculating master of ice, Cole is the strong and dependable master of earth, Lloyd is the literal child master of energy. This especially goes for all the new season 4 masters. So what qualities are often associated with water personalities? Well, serenity, control, flexibility, elegance, patience… calm. You know, like a Zane type character (the element directly adjacent to hers). These are things that Nya isn’t - or at the very least don’t define her. (there’s also something to be said about water and its ties to more feminine qualities, which Nya has been actively shown to reject, but I won’t go into that rant here.) She was designed as the fire master’s sister, and when you try to fit a fire personality into a water shaped character mold… it doesn’t exactly mesh well. It doesn’t make sense. But, like I said, whatever. Maybe that’s the point? Like she has to change her personality to be more in tune with water? Sure. But let’s talk about this fear of failure thing. Because that’s the stated thing that dialogue tells us she needs to overcome. But when has Nya ever been afraid of failure? Fear of failure means avoiding doing something because of fear. Nya is ridiculously persistent, always has been (you know, fire personality). She tries training when no one tells her to, she makes her own alter ego to try and be a hero and save the people who would constantly tell her she wasn’t ready. Wu says she only wants things that come easy, but that’s never been her character before now, she has carried the team with her tech, research, and covert ops that no one forced her to do, all things which are not easy. Fear of failure is usually characterized by what if questions. If Nya is so afraid of failure, why don’t we hear her saying stuff like “but what if I’m not strong enough, what if I can’t save them in time, or worse, what if I lose control of my power and end up hurting people?” Cole shows much more of a fear of failure this season surrounding his insecurity about being a ghost. He wants to sit out from missions because he’s not sure he’ll be able to do it - he’s afraid of failure. But whatever, the writing isn’t clear at expressing her true setbacks, but she does display a real problem that a lot of people have and I think could have been well done if set up correctly. She shows an undying persistence that gets her too close, and makes her increasingly incapable. She lets her frustration hinder her progress (again, fire personality trait), and I think that’s interesting because I don’t think ninjago has done this character arc yet. The supposed solution to this problem is that she just needs to… care less? And yes, I kind of see where they were going with this, we sometimes cloud our natural potential by thinking about it too much, but saying “you need to stop caring” is the absolute wrong way to word it. Caring is not her problem, the problem is her control over the emotions that come from her caring. Caring is a good thing, and teaching kids that if you’re ambivalent about your problems, they’ll go away is not a good message. What she needs to do is take a step back. She needs to take a break, stop to think, and look at the big picture instead of hyper focusing on the roadblock directly in front of her. The usual and much better wording of the moral I think they were going for is “stop overthinking things”. Teaching kids to look at a problem from a different angle and give themselves time to cool down is a great thing. And just think of it, in the climax she could have this ah-ha moment where she steps back and looks at the bigger picture - the whole town, surrounded by the ocean - and gets the idea to sink the preeminent into the water, you could even easily tie that back into the bucket exercise, and that’s what triggers her true potential rather than the current… I’m honestly not sure what. Random flashbacks and the end of the season approaching quickly. Alternatively, you could tie it more directly into samurai x, and make her struggle with letting go of the past and allowing yourself to give up something good in your life to progress to something better. Anyway, I don’t think this was a bad decision long term, she needed to be solidified on the team as a full fledged ninja, I just think this season doesn’t handle the transition that well. Anyway, whatever, I’ll be waiting for your hate comments in the notes.

Romance

Um… there’s none this season? Like there’s a few Wusako moments that are still as weird as they were in season 2, but they’re really not prevalent. There’s also the Jay seeing the future thing which has some weird implications next season (again, some interesting connective tissue between seasons), but that’s about it. Maybe that’s part of why I don’t love this season? Like where’s the pixane? Lol, I’m kidding. But maybe that’s why a lot of people do like it. If you don’t like the canon ships… this is a nice little safe haven for you. Rare for a majority of the series.

Villains

So Morro is a good idea… in theory. I know he’s the fandom’s favorite edgy boy, but idk I think the brand of angsty teen they ended up with was more of an angsty 13 year old than 17 year old. His voice is really grating and I always want to yell at him to just… go get some cough drops. Stop throat screaming, use your diaphragm man! Also, everyone goes on about his last minute redemption, but as far as season 5 goes, he has like half a second of a change of heart. Literally, when Wu comes over and he’s drowning, he’s still being a persistent little idiot like “you never cared about me nooooo!” and it’s only at the last possible second that gives him the crystal, and even that he does it kind of saltily. The preeminent is pretty cool, I like her concept, her design, all that. All the other ghosts are fine I guess. Nothing super memorable out of them, although their aesthetic, especially when there’s a bunch of them swarming around is pretty cool. One last thing was I never understood how Morro “becoming the green ninja” worked and what exactly it was that… did for him? Like he didn’t actually get the power of energy, right? I don’t remember him using it. Did just him defeating Lloyd make him the green ninja? How does that transfer work? And why did he need it to take over the world or realms or whatever? Like I get that it’s supposed to give him more power and what not but idk, it wasn’t super clear. That’s a minor thing though.

Climax

Pretty cool. I like the ATMOSPHERE. Green light is a hard thing to use and justify correctly, but it works really well here, especially with the dark kinda gray blue sky complimenting it. When the preeminent starts walking into the ocean, it’s genuinely terrifying, but you understand exactly how it works and why she’s strong enough to do it. Nya’s true potential is again a little out of left field and could have had some better motivation put behind it. Like what is it Nya learned in that instant? To not be afraid to protect people? She’s… been doing that. Idk. I’ve hit on that enough for now. Overall, there was good variety. I like the green ninja fake out, I like the realm hopping, I even like the little Garmadon visit and Lloyd getting the robe. I feel like we didn’t need a part one and two, you could have had different titles. I mean come on. But hey, now we know, if Pix had only been there, the whole climax would have been wrapped up in like 10 minutes apparently. Pix for the win.

Humor

Really good. Like I’m surprised how much I laughed. Jay wasn’t annoying humor, it was good stuff, there were some good running gags, there’s a solid fourth wall joke about who the lead ninja is at the beginning of the season. Overall, I am pretty impressed. My favorite joke was perhaps the bit where Jay is sarcastically positive, the voice acting is just really solid. Then again, there’s also the whole Borg scene where he roasts half the ninja, that’s solid stuff right there. There’s just some really solid character interaction this season and the humor feels a lot more natural and less forced.

Drama

Okay, we’ve got a lot this season. Y’all know how I feel about Nya’s arc by now. It does not work for me. Ronin’s relationship with her is alright, but kind of comes out of nowhere. Ronin’s solo plot about kinda working for the ghosts works. Cole’s ghost angst works for the most part, although I wish he would have actually skipped a mission and then gone in to help save his friends once they can’t do it without him. That was probably the most solid drama of the season. The other main thing we have this season is Kai’s whole… fear/protective streak. This also doesn’t really work for me. Like, I get that Lloyd and Kai are friends and stuff, like his whole true potential was centered around Lloyd. But like, why does it have to be framed so weirdly? Sometimes in trying to make it seem like Kai is protective of him, it seems like the other ninja just like… don’t care about him? Not all the time, but there are some weird vibes. Also, it doesn’t really go anywhere. No one learns anything about themselves from this subplot, nothing comes of it, there isn’t really a payoff. Also, Kai has yet another irrational fear, this time of water, which really comes right the hell out of nowhere. They try to explain it away like “Oh, Kai feels powerless and so water can get to him” but like… what? That’s the exact situation he was in at the end of season 2 and he seemed perfectly content to literally swim across the ocean (which um… what do you mean the sworn protector of ninjago can’t swim?). Where is this coming from?! Again, it doesn’t really go anywhere, there’s not a point where he has to learn to confront it or he grows because of it. It’s just pointless stuff added cuz the writers like giving Kai vague trails to try and develop him. The cloud kingdom is kinda cool. That last minute twist about them working with Morro is… stupid and unnecessary though. 

Spotlight Episode

I really like the Spinjitzu master tomb episode. Some cool riddles, I like the first two rooms a lot. I do think the third room is a bit strange. Like, the clue was “don’t look ahead” and the solution was to look beneath them, which is the exact same solution as the previous room. Like, you already have magic ice that shows the future, why not play into that? Don’t look ahead could maybe mean don’t look to the future, the opposite of that being the past. Maybe they have to draw on their past adventures to solve it somehow? Learning from the past is a good lesson, right? But overall, I really like it. Some real solid humor this episode. This episode has the sarcastic Jay optimism, Kai totally stalling for time, Zane dealing a pretty sick burn on Cole, just a lot of fun stuff. I like it. It just has great energy and nothing feels like it’s drawn out for too long.

Misc

The aesthetic this season… can be inconsistent, but the main ghost vibe displayed in the opening theme is really solid and I really like it

Speaking of the opening, Ghost wip is great and the opening in on par with last season’s (which is my fav) for sure

Ice age references… okay.

Chima references…. OKAY...

Okay, but like Deepstone can… kill ghosts? Or not? Is it just something ghosts can touch? It’s supposed to be like water in weapon form, right? Like that’s how I understood it when they first introduced it. Wouldn’t the deepstone bars kill Ghoultar then? And then like, Cole’s bike is made of deepstone. He uses it as a weapon. Wouldn’t it kill him? It kills other ghosts when they touch it. How… how does it work?! I need answers!!!

The captain of the steam boat says they’re going as fast as possible, but later Ronin comes in and cranks it up like twice as fast… that always bothered me like, why would he lie about that? Who is this captain and why is he so chill about everyone’s lives?! And then later Wu cranks it up yet again, like the ship had slowed down to it’s previous speed. What the hell is happening with the controls of this ship???

So pissed that the nasty CGI nightmare cloud monster that chases the ninja is named Nimbus. Totally forgot about that. I have an OC with a cat named Nimbus… I promise, there is not going to be a stupid twist bout the cat being the monster thing in Mists of Fate. That would be very stupid.

I was all excited that season 13 gave us minecart chases, but I totally forgot season 5 gave us one first. I really like the return to the caves of despair btw, good reuse of a known location.

How many times this season did we do the: 

Kai: Oh, I don’t like water, I can’t do it uwu  Cole: ...You serious?

Thanks for reading! And if you got this far… I don’t know. I would love to hear your thoughts if you have any! These are just my opinions, so don’t think too much of it if you disagree.

-Kitten

[uwua3]

therapist.

❄️📚 tsukioka tsumugi

summary: you don’t need a boyfriend, you really just need a therapist

warnings: cheating, exhaustion, heartbreak, jealousy, lack of communication, passing out, toxic relationships

author’s note: this is a song fic! it’d be cool to listen to the song as you read, obviously the lyrics won’t match up to the pace of the passage! i recently went through something like this and thought it would be important to address in a healthy manner ♡

sometimes, you can’t expect your s/o to be the person who “fixes everything”. remember to establish mental health boundaries + ask someone if they’re in the right headspace to emotionally support someone!

word count: 3,352

music: therapist – mae muller

YOU DON’T BRING HOME ROSES, YOU JUST BRING HOME STRESS

YOU NEVER SAY I LOOK GOOD, WHEN I’M LOOKING MY BEST

Tsumugi anxiously fixed his hair as he shifted around his phone’s camera angle facing him. It was so late, he had so much work on top of his tutoring shifts, but you kept putting off this call for so long. Said you were busy, but Tsumugi knew you were nervous to talk to him face to face. You pretended to have family errands even though he saw you active online, but he wanted to see you (even if it cost him another sleepless night and missed assignments).

It was ten minutes past the allocated time frame you had suggested to call, but you weren’t responding to his constant texts. Tsumugi straightened his sweater (lucky sweater, actually) and saw his face frown as the clock kept ticking against his will. You were late, that’s not new, but you would have at least notified him. Tsumugi flipped through your texts, trying to find something that would justify your absence. No matter, Tsumugi figured, knowing you wouldn’t be too long. After all, you guys were just taking it slow, maybe scheduled FaceTime calls weren’t that serious?

As Tsumugi leaned back and felt the weight of the day on his shoulders, he released a sigh of disappointment as he stared up at his room’s ceiling. Tsumugi was looking forward to this call all week now, feeling jittery to see his potential partner because he really, really liked you, it honestly scared him.

It was the first time in a while he got back into the love scene as other than the resident wingman, so putting himself out there was new. As a joke (and moment of desparation), Tsumugi tweeted how much he wanted a significant other and hit send before going to sleep. Yes, social distancing and quarantine were getting to him, bad. But, waking up and receiving a message at 4am was exhilarating.

You guys met online. First, it was you liking his tweets back and forth before you DMed Tsumugi. It was out of character for him to even consider responding to a stranger, but it was quarantine... and maybe this could have been some fun! It was a childish thought for someone his age, but as soon as Tsumugi sent a laughing emoji back, the two of you hit it off.

There was instant chemistry, spending hours everyday (time he didn’t have) to have engaging conversations together that made his heart jump every time you instinuated something flirty. Tsumugi’s last relationship was years ago, it had been so long, he didn’t know how to respond as well as you did. But, one thing led to another, and it was barely a week before Tsumugi confessed he liked you, embarrassingly enough. It was after you put out a Google Form application to get suitors to make him purposely jealous, and Tsumugi definitely hadn’t felt that jealous in a long, long time.

But, you wanted to take it slow. Talking about how you never had such a cute partner before, that Tsumugi was so considerate so you didn’t want to rush anything and ruin the potential. Tsumugi agreed immediately, he knew you weren’t ready for commitment and that was okay. Maybe, he could change your mind?

That night, you two talked over the phone for six hours. It was the highlight of his entire romantic life, it was his first date! Tsumugi remembered there was little to no awkwardness the first time around, and fell asleep at 6am just to wake up one hour later. Although he was exhausted and his sleep schedule was destroyed, Tsumugi never felt happier and more comfortable with someone else.

Again, Tsumugi felt himself dozing off before he heard his ringtone blaring. He jumped up and quickly accepted it despite his bedhead. Hopefully the entire dorm didn’t hear it (they did) and Tasuku actually believed he was going steady with someone. (“Seriously, this is the fourth night I’m kicked out of my own room.” Tasuku complained, but didn’t bother fighting it when he saw Tsumugi’s pleading eyes). There you were, on screen, and Tsumugi instantly flushed.

First of all, you were drawing as you sketched something out with your headphones in. Secondly, Tsumugi self consciously covered his sweater, he was way, way too overdressed when you were dressed casually. Third, you only smiled at him before resuming your activity. Not even a greeting? Maybe a compliment that he looked nice (it was the best Tsumugi looked all quarantine)?

Tsumugi didn’t see it coming. For the rest of the short hour they had together, you guys barely talked as you seemed distracted. When the call ended with the first thing you said all night, Tsumugi dropped back into his bed and shoved his face into his pillow. You didn’t even say anything? Were you busy? Was he inconveniencing you? The FaceTime call felt nothing like the voice call, it was so awkward. It felt like there was nothing there at all.

But, maybe he was being hasty? It can’t be love at first sight, they were both adults with jobs—right, a job. Tsumugi pushed himself up as he rolled out of bed, returning back to the stack of papers balancing his phone. Grabbing his red pen and keeping the desk lamp on, Tsumugi prepared himself for a very long rest of the night. After all, these papers weren’t going to grade themselves.

AND IF WE’RE STAYING UP ALL NIGHT,

IT’S CAUSE YOU’RE MOANING

(AND NOT THE GOOD KIND)

Tsumugi forced his eyes open as he glanced at the alarm clock between him and Tasuku’s beds. It was 5am, weren’t you tired? Tsumugi attempted to read the tens of large texts that detailed everything that went wrong that day, just endless complaining. Tsumugi tried his best to console you at first, but he was so, so tired. You two had been awake talking about the issue at hand for nearly six hours. How can someone even talk about themselves for that long? Tsumugi increased his screen brightness, he needed all the reminders to stay up as possible.

If Tasuku caught him still up, he’d be in for a scolding for sure. But, no one suspected a thing. Tsumugi always had low–energy, this wasn’t any different. Except, he was messing up the entire order of his day. Tsumugi was missing appointments despite being known as a punctual teacher, skipping out on chores in the garden, even avoiding the other company members altogether to prevent creating plans. It was taking a toll on Tsumugi’s mental state, but he had you... right?

Tsumugi didn’t want to burden you with his problems, though. You were going through much worse and needed an outlet to rant about it. There was nothing wrong with that, of course! He just wished, it was at a different time. Tsumugi did everything in his power to make you feel better from the predicament, but you didn’t change. You were just as frustrated as before, maybe even more.

Was Tsumugi really that bad at being a good “taking–it–slow” boyfriend? Tsumugi sank into his sheets, furrowing his eyebrows as he watched you leave without a warning. What could he had done different? Were you getting bored?

Tsumugi tossed and turned, unable to sleep as he turned on his phone to reread the conversation every thirty minutes or so. What went wrong? Why did you open up and suddenly disappear without thanking him? Maybe, it wasn’t his business anymore. Did you trust him?

Tsumugi fell asleep at 7am. He slept past his alarm, again.

WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY,

BUT NOT AT MY EXPENSE

You hadn’t responded to his texts asking about your day in forever. Your read directs were off anyways, so it’s not like he knew. But, Tsumugi started pacing his room as he kept refreshing your account. Were you okay? Did something happen? Could he have prevented this? What could he have—oh.

You tweeted on your private account. You were talking with someone else (Tsumugi scrolled back to the beginning of the thread), starting two hours ago. Huh. He hadn’t heard that you got a new friend, that was good! Tsumugi felt proud seeing you overcome your nervousness to interact with others, before he his heart dropped reading the tweets.

Was it normal for friends to talk like this? Tsumugi read the entire conversation despite his head telling him to respect your privacy, but how could he when you put it on his timeline? They were calling you your favorite endearment, and it stung when Tsumugi realized he wasn’t the only one who called you that. Ouch. Not only that, but it seemed exactly like the way you two started talking. It was flirty, to say the least.

Tsumugi heard everyone get called down to dinner and the rapid herd of footsteps running past his door. Tsumugi pocketed his phone, wanting to hear your specific chime as he joined the group to eat. He needed a distraction, but even Omi’s food couldn’t keep his mind off you and that new friend of yours.

Could this count as “cheating”? Was there even cheating in unofficial relationships? What stage were you guys at? Could Tsumugi ask you out right now and have it not be weird? Why were you, crushes so confusing? Tsumugi unintentionally sighed, eating slowly as he sensed multiple sets of eyes glance at him.

“You okay, Tsumugi? You look so tired~ even more than Hisoka!” Homare asked, a dramatic tone with his words but his eyes were concerned about the thin figure of his already skinny friend. Hisoka even nodded to strengthen the argument, poking at the egg white omelete with his fork. Tsumugi forced a casual chuckle, placing his utensils down to hide his shaking hands. Damn, caffeine.

“Sorry to worry you guys, I’m just getting more students, recently.” Tsumugi mentioned, awkwardly laughing to seal the deal. The other boys nodded, not trying to press Tsumugi for more information as they turned their attention back to the delicious meal. Only Tasuku kept his eye on Tsumugi, taking in the way his spine was slouched and focus seemed elsewhere.

Ducking his head, Tsumugi gripped the base of the kitchen chair, trying to keep the tears in as he thought of you. You who was probably messaging your friend instead of him. Leaving him on read for days.

This was the happiest he’s been... right?

THE MORE I LISTEN AND I LISTEN,

THE MORE I’M THINKING

Tsumugi was about to text you. He hated hiding these feelings from you, he wanted to be your boyfriend. He liked you so damn much.

As he was about to type a message explicitly stating how he thought you two were ready to pursue a serious, committed relationship, you texted him first (for once).

Tsumugi couldn’t even finish reading the message before running out of dorm room to the bathroom. Bumping into Azuma on the way out, Tsumugi dropped his phone in the corridor before disappearing behind the door to gag. Tsumugi tried to stop himself from throwing up but it was too late, he held himself over the toilet as he choked over his own spit. He couldn’t see anything, his vision was so blurry.

Tsumugi was so, so sick. Sick of all of this.

Azuma picked up Tsumugi’s smartphone and looked at the screen, seeing it was open to a number he had never seen before.

You: I don’t like you anymore, Tsumugi. I don’t want a relationship right now... I don’t think I even ever liked you as a crush.

YOU DON’T NEED A BOYFRIEND,

YOU JUST NEED A THERAPIST

Tsumugi: That’s okay! We can still be friends, right?

Life went on. At least, for you. You two still chatted every once in a while, and Tsumugi still put all his attention and effort despite knowing there was no possibility you liked him back anymore. It stung, to say the least. To know you ran circles around his mind all day and Tsumugi wasn’t even worth your time, it killed him. His attention span was limited to only reacting immediately when hearing your text tone.

Tasuku had to carry him back to the dorms after the whole bile episode. Azuma refused to say anything, locking his lips when Tasuku demanded to know what happened. Azuma casually suggested Tsumugi might have just had a bad case of food poisoning, much to the Mankai chef’s distaste. No one in Winter Troupe bought it but still took shifts checking Tsumugi’s health levels, acting like he had food poisoning when his puffy red eyes suggested otherwise.

When it was Azuma’s turn, he sat beside Tsumugi as he prepared the food. Tsumugi ate in silence and Azuma accepted that, knowing talking could ruin the mood. It was the first time Tsumugi was at least making an attempt to eat something. Without even looking, Azuma hummed as he gathered the plates after Tsumugi finished. As he rose, Azuma couldn’t help but turn back and rest a gentle hand on Tsumugi’s shaking form.

“I’m sorry.” Azuma quietly whispered and it was enough to make Tsumugi cry. Blinking rapidly, Tsumugi leaned into Azuma’s open arms as he hid his face in the latter’s chest. Azuma hoped no one heard Tsumugi’s sobs as he released all the pain you put him through.

There wasn’t much said, but it was enough.

Tsumugi slept that night. He woke up to his alarm and started the day without delay.

YOU GOT TOO MUCH DRAMA, I’M NOT QUALIFIED TO FIX

I WOULD HOLD YOUR BODY, BUT YOU WANT SOMEBODY THAT WILL HOLD YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

Tsumugi was going back to normal. He was arriving on time again (he muted your contact), taking care of the plants in the courtyard again (much to manager Matsukawa’s relief), and even actively went out with the other members daily. Homare stopped questioning him senselessly every moment, Hisoka offered him a marshmallow every once in a while, Azuma still suggested free cuddles at night, and Tasuku gave up on trying to find out whatever happened. Life went on.

Until, that night.

Tsumugi tried to avoid checking your texts, knowing he would be sucked in into the void if he did. But, you were sending multiple, which was strange. Tsumugi checked his surroundings, seeing Tasuku was out playing soccer with his friends. He had the room to himself for a while.

With no one to watch his every move, Tsumugi carefully opened your chat room and his heart soared.

You admitted you always liked him so much. You wanted to be in a relationship with him. You only lied to protect your own feelings. You wanted him back. You... liked him. Tsumugi didn’t see all the progress he made moving on get thrown out the window as he quickly sent a reply, agreeing to take things slow again to see how it would go.

Tsumugi wanted you to earn his trust again, even though he knew damn well he wanted to take you back in a heartbeat. Would you put in the effort? He was so curious. You two spent the entire night catching up and texting.

Tsumugi went to bed at 4am. He slept past his alarm again, again, and again.

I WANNA MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, AND PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE

BUT I’M JUST WHERE YOU POUR OUT THE NEGATIVITY, I’LL GET YOU EXCITED

Tsumugi had high expectations for someone who didn’t change. You tried at first, checking in on him multiple times and even offering to help him out with anything. It was so nice being in the honeymoon phase, and Tsumugi was considering finally taking you back. But then, you slipped from his grasp. You stopped trying. You texted one–liners. You didn’t change.

This week was exams season. Tsumugi was overwhelmed with work and texted you his updated schedule so you weren’t upset every time he didn’t respond. No one noticed his unhealthy behavior starting to come back since he was always out tutoring students for their finals. Life seemed to stop, even though everything but you changed.

Tsumugi was on the train home, scrolling through his Twitter timeline to see you were active again. You were talking to that friend again. Tsumugi suddenly noticed how exhausted he was, holding onto the train pole as he rested his face against the cold metal. He needed a break, a long nap for eternity. He didn’t even know why.

Tsumugi didn’t eat dinner for the first time in a month. Azuma frowned when Tsumugi simply walked to his room, turning to see Tasuku doing the same concerned, parental expression. Azuma was about to open his mouth but stopped, instead exhaling sharply through his nose before volunteering to wash dishes. Tasuku assisted, forgetting all about Tsumugi’s lack of appetite.

Tsumugi didn’t sleep at all that night. At least, he didn’t miss his alarm, this time.

BUT IT’S SO ONE–SIDED

AND I’M GETTING TIRED OF FIGHTING FOR SOMEBODY, WHO AIN’T FIGHTING FOR ME

Tasuku had to drive his car to the student’s house after one of Tsumugi’s student’s parent quickly phoned the most recent contact.

“Tsumugi?” Tasuku answered, putting his phone between his ear and shoulder as he was supervising Winter Troupe’s street act on Veludo Way. Homare was pretending to be the equivalent of William Shakespeare, which didn’t require much acting to begin with. People loved it, though! Tsumugi couldn’t contribute since he had a study session. Maybe academics were really wearing him down, he looked more tired than ever.

“Hi, is this a friend of Tsumugi’s?” A woman with a worried voice asked. Tasuku put the flyers down as he held the phone, concerned, as he caught Azuma’s eyes staring intently. Had he always besn this curious? He usually minded his business.

“Yes, is everything okay?” Tasuku questioned, watching as Azuma made a graceful exit from the act as he made his way to Tasuku’s side. Tilting his head to the side, Azuma caught Tasuku’s face pale. Muttering a quick thanks and asking to be texted some address, Tasuku immediately started his car parked on the side without wasting a moment. Before he could run off, Azuma gripped Tasuku’s forearm and narrowed his eyes.

“What just happened?” Azuma inquired, his gut feeling proving him right when Tasuku shook his head. Stepping back, Azuma sighed as he notified Homare and Hisoka of their departure. When Azuma shuffled into the passenger seat, there was no time to put on his seatbelt as Tasuku punched in the address into the GPS and sped off.

“It’s Tsumugi, isn’t it?” Azuma cursed, holding onto the armrest as Tasuku’s grip on the wheel tightened. Tasuku didn’t take his eyes off the road.

“How’d you know?” Tasuku questioned, his voice carrying for miles. It sounded like an order, but Azuma fell silent and focused on the cars driving by. Tasuku swore before hitting the dashboard, making Azuma jump in his seat.

“How did you know?” Tasuku demanded again, even louder, as Azuma whipped his head to face him angrily.

“It’s not my place to say!” Azuma countered, immediately covering his mouth with his hand when he revealed there was something going on. Tasuku flinched, knowing it was the first time Azuma even raised his voice in fear of straining his vocal chords.

The rest of the car ride was silently tense. Azuma couldn’t help but shudder when he saw Tasuku carry a passed–out Tsumugi to lay in the back seat.

Tsumugi slept for the first time in a while. He woke up to something else other than his alarm.

Your text tone sounded. Tasuku checked the message, this time.

YOU DON’T NEED A BOYFRIEND,

TRUTH IS, YOU NEED A THERAPIST

You: I’m so sorry, Tsumugi. I like someone else, I’m sorry.

You started dating that friend of yours two days after Tsumugi officially called it quits on your friendship.

Tsumugi couldn’t sleep, all he could dream about was you. Tsumugi stopped setting alarms. Tasuku always turned them back on.

Life went on, for you.

[give-me-back-my-rhodey]

Here We Are, Born to be Kings - AUgust Day 9

Title: Here We Are, Born to be Kings

Author: Purple_ducky00

Rating: Teen

Warnings: N/A

Pairing: Rhodey/Tony

Square Filled: G2 Dramatic Proposal

Link: Read on AO3

Summary:  Prince James is in love with Lord Tony Stark, a childhood friend. However, the Starks have been disgraced due to embezzlement charges. Can they overcome this?

++++++++++

“Your Highness. Lord Stark is here to see you.” Quentin Beck holds up his nose.

 Prince James Rhodes rolls his eyes. It’s not like Beck should judge. He was only hired because his family was in serious debt.  Tony is working out of his.

 Tony walks in a few minutes later, hair askew. “Wow, Rhodey, your servants hate me. I call it an achievement.”

“They just think it’s ok to judge since their scandals happened long ago enough for people to forget. You don’t deserve this.”

 “I probably do.” Tony shrugs. “It doesn’t bother me. Actually, it gives me the chance to ditch my politeness because they already dislike me.”

 “Oh for that luxury,” Rhodey sighs. He hates the protocol he must go through. Maybe that’s why he finds Tony so refreshing.

 They first met at a football match. Tony was on the other team, and he told the young prince, “We’re not playing any easier because you’re the prince. So, be ready for that.”

 Rhodey laughed and started playing. Tony’s team was clearly better, and they defeated Rhodey's team easily. After the game, Tony invited him to grab some lunch. They have been fast friends ever since.

 Now, Rhodey is 22 and Tony is 21. Tony’s father died last year, and Tony inherited his estate. After going over the numbers, Tony’s godfather, Obadiah Stane informed him that Howard had been falsifying records and was basically bankrupt.

 Dazed and reeling from his parents' sudden death, Tony doesn’t know what to do with this information. He reaches out for help, but as Howard had been stealing money from his peers, everyone refuses to help him. Rhodey offers to bail him out completely. Tony won’t let him. He decides he will work to pay off his father's debts.

 Tony was always incredibly smart. His patented inventions were used worldwide. He decides to start his own company, Stark Enterprises, where he builds and sells hi-tech machinery and entertainment devices. As his company quickly grows, he branches out into clean energy and satellites. Not even a full year after starting his company, Tony is very successful. With only Stane and his PA, Pepper Potts, at his right hand, Tony makes sure that he himself takes care of the books. Every entry is painstakingly entered and checked by the big boss himself.

 Rhodey is very proud of his friend, but it seems that his family is the only one in the kingdom that is. King Terrance and Queen Roberta love the young man as a son, but they often wonder if he is taking on too much, causing his sleepless nights and unhealthy eating habits. Tony waves them off saying he had had those problems before his parents had died.

 Prince James’ PR agent tells him that finding someone to date might be a good look for him. Everyone is looking for news of the royal family, and they will only assume the worst if they don’t hear from each member. Queen Roberta’s cooking classes and bingo games are televised. The king does a podcast twice a month. Jeannie plays tennis professionally. James is the only one without a big public profile, and he prefers that. However, there are some people who think that James is being pushed out of the spotlight or being abused in some kind. To quell any quickly rising rumors, Rhodey agrees to attend sports matches and talk to the press for a few minutes each time. When Tony’s not working his ass off, he often accompanies Tony.

 What Rhodey doesn’t tell his PR agent is the reason he doesn’t date. He is hopelessly in love with Tony and admitting that would be bad for a few reasons. 1.) Everyone in the country is against Tony. They would slander his name even more if they thought he had got his “money-grubbing claws” in the prince. 2.) Tony is straight. He had never told Rhodey otherwise, and he has only dated women as far as Rhodey knows. 3.) He doesn’t want any reason to make Tony uncomfortable in the only place he is welcome other than his home. So, he skirts the topic because fake dating is not his idea of fun.

 Now, Tony’s here and Rhodey knows he’s giving Tony heart eyes. “So, you’ve got a day off from me. What’s the plan, Rhodey?”

 “You pick today. I’m up for anything.” Rhodey trusts that Tony won’t do anything Rhodey can’t.

 Tony sits on the chair beside Rhodey. “I need to sit. I don’t think I’ve stopped moving for a week.”

 “So, what you’re saying is you need sleep.” Rhodey retorts.

“No, I need to spend time with my Rhodeybear. We never did that Star Wars marathon after Rise of Skywalker came out, did we?” Tony pokes him. “We can order like tons of pizza and greasy foods and bro it out like the old times.”

 Stuck in a theatre room with only Tony and highly unhealthy food? “Sounds like a great day. Let’s queue up the movies. I’ll have |Miss Cabe order our food. The usual?” Tony nods and heads off to the theater.

 Rhodey pulls out his phone and texts a maid, Bethany Cabe, to place an order for the following: an extra-large bacon pizza, two orders of cheesy curly fries, mozzarella sticks, and onion rings. Rhodey has cases of Tony’s favorite beer, so they did not need to worry about drinks.

 As they settle in to watch the movies, Tony tells him, “Wake me up if I fall asleep. I don’t want to miss Episode Six again.”

 “Come on Tones, Return of the Jedi isn’t the best.” Rhodey smirks.

 Tony glares at him. “It’s my favorite. Leave me alone. Go ahead and like Empire or whatever one you like the best. Geez.”

 “You know mine is Episode Three. The tragedy, the pain, the John Williams’ scores? A masterpiece.”

 “Anakin deserved better.” Tony mumbles as he eats a bite of pizza. Rhodey sighs. He’s heard this rant many times, and he’ll probably hear it again tonight. Tony really gets into these movies.

 Tony falls asleep at the end of A New Hope, his head falling on Rhodey’s shoulder. He looks so exhausted so Rhodey lets him sleep through Empire since Tony thinks it’s overhyped or something. Rhodey likes it. When Return of the Jedi starts, Rhodey nudges Tony awake. “Episode 6? Honeybear, you are an angel.” Tony kisses his cheek.

 By the time The Last Jedi comes on, both of the men are sleeping. Jeannette comes in to check on them and snaps a picture of Tony lying on top of Rhodey, both snoring away.

 Rhodey wakes up a few hours later and freezes. Tony is sleeping peacefully on him, his head on Rhodey’s chest. He doesn’t dare move in fear of waking Tony up. He slowly reaches for his phone and scrolls through Instagram and other social media apps until Tony wakes up.

 Tony wakes up slowly, but when he’s fully awake he jumps up and goes. “I’ve got to get to work!”

  “Hey Tony. It’s Sunday. We were going to spend Saturday and Sunday together, right?”

 “Oh. Oh. Whew. I thought.” Tony slumps. “Probably hallucinating from all that grease.”

 “Maybe we should get a little more sleep in a real bed.” Rhodey suggests. Tony nods, and they walk up to Rhodey’s room. Since they were kids, Tony always slept in Rhodey’s bed with him. They only ever slept and/or cuddled, and Rhodey has a king bed in case either of them needed their own space.

 They go to Jeannie’s tennis match then accompany her to an expensive Italian restaurant for dinner. The next morning, there are pictures splashed across the tabloids. Stark trying to get in with the Royal Family? Read more on page 3! One says. The Apple Doesn’t Fall far from the Tree – Another Gold-Digging Stark! Rhodey shakes his head. He was afraid this would happen. He calls his PR agent, Maria Hill.

She answers with a “Now do you see why having a partner would be good?”

 “Yes. Do you have any candidates who would be willing to date with no sex and/or strings attached? For public only?”

 “You don’t know how many celebrities only hope for that. Let me see which ones I can get. I’ll send you over a packet when I get them.”

 When he gets the packet, Rhodey isn’t surprised to find that 75% of them are women. Skipping through them, he tells Maria to reach out to an A-list actress Natasha Romanov. She is a beautiful woman, and they seem to have a lot of the same likes and dislikes. She agrees to meet with Rhodey at a small café near the palace. He introduces himself as Rhodey, then corrects it to “James or Jim” when Romanov gives him an odd look. “I’m sorry. My best friend always calls me Rhodey. It’s just what I expect now. I mean, if you want to call me that in private, it’s fine. Maria thinks it’s better if you call me James or Jim when talking with the press.”

“Tell me about this best friend.” Natasha leans forward. “He sounds like a nice guy.”

 Rhodey launches into a detailed description of Tony: his strengths, his flaws, his quirks, etc.  When he’s done, she asks, “And you’re dating me because you can’t date him?”

 “How did you…?”

 “You’re in love with him. Just look at your face. It’s ok. I won’t tell the press. I have almost the same problem. I’m in a poly relationship with a different celebrity couple. However, since Hollywood, even with its sex scandals, still looks down on poly relationships. I need a beard to keep our activity on the downlow. Is that acceptable for you?”

 Rhodey nods. “Of course. And you’re right. I love Tony, but I need to keep the press out of his life. His father put him through a lot, and he’s trying to make up for Howard’s sins. He doesn’t need the extra press coverage. Also, I don’t know if he likes me like that. I’ve never seen him date a guy.”

 “Well, I’d like to meet him.”

 +++++++ Natasha and Tony eventually meet. Tony is happy to meet her, but Rhodey feels that Tony is wearing one of his many masks. |When they kiss goodnight, Natasha tells him, “Rhodey, he likes you.”

 “Not that I want to doubt you, but I’m highly doubtful on this one here.”

 A few months pass, and Natasha and Prince James are photographed at red carpet events, at sports games, and at galas. Rumors are spreading that Prince James might propose soon. Natasha shows up at the palace for a surprise visit. “Hey, can we talk?” She pulls James from his family dinner.

 She tells him how the couple that she is dating are planning on coming out to the press as poly with her because they know some younger people who are receiving hate for their relationships. They want to be allies for such people. And they want her there when they come out. “Can we say we amicably split? I’d love to keep in contact with you.”

 “That sounds good.” His phone pings. He has a google alert set up for Tony because the press likes to come up to him for hostile interviews at the most inopportune times. James does his best to save him. “Listen Nat, I will talk to my publicist, but I have to go.”

 The press has trapped Tony on the palace driveway. “What do you think of Prince James marrying Ms. Romanov?” One reporter asks.

 “I didn’t know they got engaged, but I think they are an excellent match. Well-suited for each other.” Rhodey can see Tony is keeping his press face on but was not ready for the sudden press conference.

 Another reporter sneers. “We know you were trying to get a piece of the royalty. Will you try for the princess now that the prince is spoken for?”

 “Excuse me?” Tony reels. “What are you talking about?”

 “They’ll never have you. You’re just a charity case to them. What do you think of that? Did you think Prince James really liked you? Especially after what your father did?” Another reporter shoves a microphone in his face.

 Tony loses his mask. “Do I think Rho- Prince James really liked me? I have known the prince since we were young teenagers. I know he likes me… as a friend. But anything more? No. He never did, never will. I know what my father did; I know what I have to do to fix it. My father and Prince James have no correlation. What are you even trying to say here?” Rhodey can see the pain in Tony’s eyes. They flash when he says that Rhodey will never like him as anything more as a friend.

 “Excuse me.” Rhodey steps forward. “Can you step away from him, please?”

 The press apologizes and steps away. “Now, I want to say this once more and hopefully never again. Lord Stark is not his father. Lord Stark is paying his father’s investors back as quickly as he can. He started up his business on his own with his trust fund from his maternal grandmother. Howard never saw or added to a penny of that fund. What is the point of hating a man for the sins of his father? Keep rolling. I am talking to the country as a whole. Leave him alone, please. I want to say one more thing. Tony Stark, you are the love of my life. The reason I have not dated is because the only person I have ever loved was you. Yes, Natasha and I dated, but we did to keep other things hidden. I’m sure she will let you know at some point. It’s not my job. Tony, again, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and perhaps rule with you. I do not have a ring yet because I had not planned to propose to you in front of live TV today, yet here I am. Will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?”

 “You’re serious?” Tony gasps.

 “Completely.”

 “Then Rhodey, my Honeybear, my Platypus, my Sourpatch, I will marry you in a heartbeat.” Tony smiles widely, and Rhodey kisses him deeply, in front of the cameras. As they turn to the palace, Tony turns back to the cameras, lifts his middle finger, and says, “Fuck you” whilst smiling sweetly.

 ++++++ The country is so shocked at Prince James’ dramatic proposal. People wonder if Tony is a good fit for the prince due to his blatant disregard for protocol. Princess Jeannie posts the picture she took of them sleeping in the theatre room on Instagram, the caption “I knew it.” She broke the internet with the most likes on an Instagram post.

  Tony goes through his numbers and his father’s numbers again to make sure everyone is paid off. While looking at his father’s records again, he notices some discrepancies from Obadiah’s report. The truth comes out – Howard had not done anything wrong; it was Obadiah. He falsified documents, records, and even bills to give him much more money. Obadiah is fired and imprisoned. Tony’s name is cleared. Anthony Stark marries Prince James Rhodes a happy man.

[ciestessde]

NOT My Hero Academia: Part 1 -- Ch.3

The door to the warehouse slammed shut behind Izuku. At first glance, it looked empty. But he knew better than to judge that by appearance. Master wouldn’t have called him to an empty building. Izuku walked to the center of the large room without hesitation or fear. In the center was a couple of chairs and a desk -- with a copy of his exam results on it. ‘But… how did Master get those…?’

“You placed in the top ten. Well done.”

Izuku startled, but recovered quickly. Master seemed to love appearing from nowhere almost as much as taking up the entire room with his presence. “Thank you, sir!” “Have a seat.”

They sat down, facing each other, and Master grabbed the papers, seeming to inspect them. His lack of eyes never seemed to influence his vision. Once again, Izuku wondered what the man’s quirk was. “Ninth place, 23 villain points and 30 rescue points… Could’ve been better, but still an impressive feat with only the staff,” he set the papers back down, “I am pleased.”

Izuku was practically glowing with pride.

“But that’s not all I brought you here to discuss.” Master picked up a different paper -- an acceptance letter. Izuku couldn’t see who’s it was. “It seems All Might will be teaching at U.A.” Izuku’s expression flattened. “... Shouldn’t you feel excited? The Number One Hero will be teaching you, after all.”

“I…” Izuku looked down and fiddled with the edge of his shirt. “I’m not sure how to feel.” He looked back up at Master, “I know he saved me and all. He’s saved so many people! All Might… he’s amazing! It’s just…” His gaze dropped to the floor again. “After what he said, I… I just don’t know…” his hands clenched around the fabric, “-how to feel about him anymore.”

“Hm. It’s understandable. He did try to crush your dream, after all. Saying you couldn’t be a hero without a quirk; as though it’s their quirks that make them special, even though only four out of five people have one.” “He meant well, though. He just wanted to keep me safe!” “And you wanted to help keep others safe.” “...”

“... Well, I’m sure you’ll learn a lot from him.” “Yeah…” “Speaking of which, you have almost an entire month before the start of term, and you can’t afford to stop improving. Your training regimen will continue as before.” “Yes, Master!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SPRING

“Izuku! Have you got your pocket tissues?!” “Yeah.” “And your handkerchief?! Have you got that?!” “Yes!! I’ve got it! No time. Gotta hurry…” Izuku shoved the last of his supplies into his bag.

He was nervous. ‘I wish Master would let me sleep with that plant in my room every night…’ He threw his bag over his shoulder, paused to give his mom a kiss on the cheek, then moved toward the door. ‘But I guess there must be a good reason for it-’

“Izuku!” “-Huh?” Izuku paused, his hand on the doorknob. His mom looked at him, teary eyed. “… You look great.”

“...!” He straightened, slightly more confident. And grinned. “Thanks… See you later! Love you!”

‘I still can barely believe I made it into U.A.… I wonder who my classmates will be… ‘… I hope Kacchan and I are in the same class.’

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kacchan had cornered him after class when he’d found out they’d both made it in. Yelled at him about how he’d “torn his grand plans to shreds” of being the “first and only” of their school’s students to make it into U.A.. “Thought I told you to go somewhere else!” He’d said, pinning Izuku to a wall.

Even Izuku couldn’t believe what he did next. … No. What he couldn’t believe… was that he’d put up with Kacchan’s behavior this long.

Izuku twisted out of Kacchan’s grip and pinned him to the wall. Kacchan stayed frozen in shock for a couple seconds, and Izuku let go before he regained his senses. Standing tall, fists clenched, Izuku said, “I earned my place just like you did!” Kacchan spun around with a growl, his palms smoking. But Izuku had refused to flinch. “Mas-Someone told me… That I could become a hero…! Th-that’s why… I’m… I’M GONNA BE HERE NO MATTER WHAT!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He’d gotten his wish; when he arrived in the classroom he saw Kacchan being confronted by a serious-looking student. He decided to ignore them, but before turning to his desk, he heard a voice call from behind him. “Ah! That curly hair! The plain-looking boy!!” It was the cute girl!

And without the plants calming effect to help him… ‘She’s too cute in that uniform!!’

Izuku was sweating, trying very hard not to look at the cute girl who was way too close -- and talking to him, what was she saying-?! -And why did he have to be sweating so much!!

Thankfully he was saved by an unusual arrival. “If you’re here to socialize, then get out.” They were all caught off-guard by the… sleeping bag the man was wearing.

But they didn’t have long to dwell over it. This man, it turned out, was their homeroom teacher, Mr. Shota Aizawa. And the first thing he did (aside from chide them for taking so long to quiet down) was order them to change into their gym uniforms and head out to the grounds.

So he could test their quirks.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

‘I hope this batch is better than last year’s…’ I thought as I watched the students line up.

I started my explanation of the day’s activities by listing off the “standard no-quirks-allowed” gym tests. No need to go into detail -- the students already knew them. “This country still insists on prohibiting quirks when calculating the averages of those records,” I explained, “It’s not rational. The department of education is just procrastinating.”

I picked a student suited to the task -- “Bakugo” -- and ordered him to throw a softball, using his quirk however he liked, as long as he didn’t leave the circle I’d placed him in. And, of course, he was able to throw it MUCH farther using his quirk than when not using it. “It’s important for us to know our limits. That’s the first rational step to figuring out what kind of heroes you’ll be.”

The other students got excited at the idea of freely using their quirks. ‘Typical. Just like last year.’ Annoyed by their exclamations and carefree attitudes, I dropped the bomb: “Right. “The one with the lowest score across all eight events will be judged hopeless…

“… and will be expelled.” Uraraka, who was standing right next to that quirkless kid, exclaimed, “The lowest scorer will be expelled…? It’s only the first day! I mean, even if it weren’t… That’s totally unfair!” The faces of the students behind her mirrored that sentiment.

‘Jeez… “Unfair,” huh? Time to burst their bubbles.’ “Natural disasters… highway pileups… rampaging villains… Calamity is always right around the corner. I’d say Japan is full of unfair things. Heroes are the ones who correct all that unfairness.”

I brushed the hair out of my eyes, sighing. ‘I can’t believe I have to explain this every year.’ “If you were hoping to spend your evenings hanging out at McDonald’s… I’m sorry to tell you that for the next three years -- U.A. will run you through the wringer.“

‘Still… Seeing them overcome these obstacles… ‘That feeling of pride is why I’m still a teacher.’

I curled my finger in a “come here” gesture. “That’s Plus Ultra. Use your strength to overcome it all. Bring it.”

The rest of the students weren’t discouraged by my harsh words. Rather, I could feel them growing even more restless and determined. Even the most nervous of the bunch were starting to get fired up…! ‘There’s hope for these kids yet. Now…’ “The demonstration is over. But before we begin… Izuku Midoriya.”

The boy jumped at the realization that I was staring right at him. “That ridiculous entrance exam… Completely irrational when you consider someone like you got in.” ‘Still… It’s impressive that the kid DID manage to get in without a quirk. But, regardless of how hard he tries, I know what experience has taught me…’ “… With no quirk, you’ll only end up inconveniencing those around you when they inevitably have to step in to help. And this is a school, not a playground for you to pretend to be All Might.”

Narrowing my eyes, I exclaimed, harsh though it was, "Izuku Midoriya. You cannot become a hero without a quirk.”

There was a tense silence. Then I sighed, ”But what the hell. Give it a shot. I’m just telling you now, no one’s going to change the rules for you.

“Now, let’s get this over with.”

.

Inside, I wondered, ‘Will he give it his all and go down swinging…? Or shrink away from the challenge and end up with the lowest score…?’

If he fought for it, maybe…? ‘... No. Either way, I doubt he stands a chance. Still, it’s impressive he even made it in.’

But… As I watched the students -- waited to see how creatively (or not) they decided to use their abilities…

‘Huh… ‘Midoriya is actually…?’

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Izuku was in the warehouse, jumping through portal-after-portal. Or rather…

“When you panic, you lose. When you get lost in thought, you lose,” Kurogiri-sensei said. Izuku lunged again, but in vain -- he went barreling through yet another portal. Instead of the book in Kurogiri-sensei’s hand, he was met with the hard, cement floor.

Izuku got up to try again, but Kurogiri-sensei held up his hand. Izuku stopped in his tracks, panting, his hands on his knees. “The key is finding that balance between driving emotion and cool-headed logic. Use the fear and turn it into energy. Then find the paths to victory that are available to you, and focus on one of them. If that path gets cut off, simply turn to the next.

“But most of all…” Kurogiri-sensei put a hand on Izuku’s shoulder, lifting him from his crouch and meeting his eyes. “… Just breath.”

After a few moments, Izuku’s breathing evened out and the boy stood up straight.

“Good. Now…” Kurogiri held the book out once more -- and opened a myriad of portals around the warehouse, “Take the book. I won’t move.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At first, Izuku had panicked. He had no quirk, so how was he supposed to-?! -But Kurogiri-sensei’s lessons came back to him.

And Izuku took a deep breath. ‘Mr. Aizawa said he wouldn’t change the rules for me, after all.’ He let the breath out slowly.

He didn’t need to win. He just- ‘-I just need… to not have the lowest score…!’

…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

… “Moving along. Time for the results. Your total scores simply reflect your performance in each of the events. Explaining the process would be a waste of time, so all you get are the final rankings.

“And I wasn’t lying about expelling someone.” Many of the students looked tense, uncertain about their results.

I clicked a button on the remote in my hand, and a hologram appeared displaying the students’ scores. Instant relief. Midoriya, I noticed, looked ready to collapse at the sight of the number “16” next to his name.

Relief… for all but one. “Minoru Mineta.” There was a shuffling of students, and a short purple boy came to the front. He was crying, but I ignored it. “Go to the Principals office. They’ll know why you’re there. The rest of you, we’re done here. Your documents about the curriculum and such are back in the classroom. Give them a look.”

And without another word, I walked away.

.

After seeing Midoriya’s performance, I was conflicted. Had I made the right decision? ‘That kid… He doesn’t… have no chance, I suppose. He did perform better than some of the others, and they showed promise. I can’t ignore that.

‘Still… Should I have just cut him loose anyway?

‘After all… ‘There’s nothing crueler than letting someone chase their half-baked dreams.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Beginning]

[Previous Chapter] - [Next Chapter]

The person who’s doing the podfic for “Phantasma Magica” has agreed to make an audiobook for my original book “Crossroad of Infinity”!!! (They’ve also given me permission to share their name, now. She’s “Em” from ShadowQuillsInk – one of the editors of CofI.) Look forward to that, and THANK YOU EM!!! T^T

Also, if you’re a writer or other indie creator, go give my editors a look. They’re making this community of indie creators to help each other grow and stuff. Here's their website. They’re calling themselves “ShadowQuillsInk”

[gershwinn]

GLAMOUR’s November coverstar Lili Reinhart: A powerful interview on anxiety, depression, therapy and body image.

“Depression has affected me in so many ways. It’s something that never goes away,” Lili Reinhart confides to me over the phone. She’s in Vancouver, I’m in LA, but the distance doesn’t stop us having one of the most open and honest interviews of my career.

Many interviews with Lili seek to get the lowdown on her relationship with her Riverdale co-star, Cole Sprouse, who she’s been officially dating since 2018. Indeed, after much talk of a break-up over the summer, Lili notably uploaded a series of photobooth PDA shots with Cole, leading to an internet meltdown and more than seven million Instagram likes. But it’s the conversation around her other, more long-term relationship – with anxiety and depression – that she wants to talk about today.

“I’ve experienced depression and anxiety. Not constantly, but I’m still experiencing it,” she shares. “I have spells of time where I feel completely unmotivated, I don’t want to do anything and I question myself. I don’t know how to handle stress very well. I find that talking about it and sharing my experience with other people, and reminding myself that I’m not alone has been incredibly therapeutic.” At 23 years old, she has found an open and honest voice on social media, sharing everything from body image to her acne with her 20.8 million Instagram followers. It’s an outlet that has no doubt empowered others, but has also helped herself -no wonder Lili was just named as one of Time Magazine's 100.

Speaking openly is something Lili believes strongly in, since attending therapy in her teens. “When I first started going to therapy, it was out of my incredible social anxiety. I was having trouble going to school every day. I was crying before school. I would fake being sick so my mom would let me stay home. When you hear the term ‘crippling anxiety’, that’s what I had when I was 14 years old.

“Seeing the therapist allowed me to be understood. The goal for me has been to always leave therapy feeling a couple of inches taller. Feeling like I’ve alleviated myself of a problem by learning how to solve it. Not everything has a straight answer – it’s not just going to take one session – but I start to think, ‘I’ve grown, I’ve done this, I’ve figured this out, now can I go off into the world and try to put what I’ve learned into action.’ That’s how I look at therapy. I am not crazy, and I am not problematic. I am just a human who’s feeling something in a different way than some other people would.”

Having battled with anxiety for nearly a decade and actively seeking help for it, I wonder what Lili’s relationship with anxiety is like now? “Frustrating. It’s something that I’ve accepted, but I don’t understand it,” she sighs.

“Sometimes I wake up and I’m like, ‘OK, I have anxiety today.’ I’m not really sure why, I’m more irritable than usual. It’s like an undercurrent that lives within me, and certain social situations can obviously trigger my anxiety. I work a lot of hours, sometimes I don’t get a lot of sleep, and that makes me anxious. I’ve found a way to talk myself down when I’m getting super anxious.”

The small act of writing a list to help rationalise her big issues has helped. “I will take a pen to paper and write out a list of everything that I’m feeling anxious about, then when I step back and look at my list of things I’m like, ‘That’s really not that much to be worried about and there’s really no need for it to be causing you this much turmoil.’ That’s how I’ve learned to put things into perspective.”

When Lili isn’t hustling to deal with her mental health, she’s negotiating the greasy pole of Hollywood, which is apt given her recent big screen role in strip club drama Hustlers, alongside Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the Block herself has taught Lili a lot about the power of hustling. “Jennifer Lopez has said about herself, ‘I’m always the hardest worker in the room and I never stop,’” says Lili. “I admire that and that’s what I’ve been doing. At least this past year has been trying to take advantage of where I am in my life. I don’t have kids, I’m young, in my 20s – I can take the time and energy to put into my career.”

Lili is booked and busy. Aside from Riverdale, she has just landed a coveted CoverGirl beauty campaign, finished her first producing role on the Amazon movie Chemical Hearts, and recently put the final touches to her book of poetry, Swimming Lessons, both of which will drop in 2020.

She says poetry has helped her to understand herself. “It’s therapeutic,” she adds. “I would rather feel too much, than feel nothing at all. Poetry gives me that feeling that my feelings are normal, justified. That other people have felt heartache and grief. I know that the things I’ve written are what 99% of human beings have felt, when they read my book.”

It’s this knowledge of struggle that meant playing strip club worker Annabelle in Hustlers really spoke to her. “I love how Annabelle doesn’t have her sh*t together, because that’s very real. There’s been a large amount of times in my life – like when I first moved to LA, away from my parents’ house and living on my own for the first time, I almost felt like a baby bird jumping out of a nest. You’re just told to fly, without being taught how to fly. You can learn how to balance your cheque book in school, learn how to pay taxes, but no one teaches you how to live on your own, how to take care of yourself, and how to be an adult. It’s very much a trial by fire.”

Meanwhile, alongside her rise to fame, Lili was managing her well documented issue with body dysmorphia – something Lili attributes to acne and to social media, which both contributed to it, but also helped her to manage it by connecting her to a like-minded community of people.

“Even today, I see myself in the mirror and think, this doesn’t look the way the world tells me it should. I don’t have a cinched, minuscule waist. I do have curves, I have cellulite, my arms aren't stick thin,” she says. “This is my body and we’re told that it should fit certain proportions. There’s such a disgusting problem right now with people photoshopping their bodies. Obviously, there’s a reason why people do it, they’re insecure, they feel like they’re not good enough, and that’s incredibly sad. When I see someone who’s authentically themselves, like models Charli Howard or Ashley Graham, who promote healthy, real body images, I think that is so refreshing and important. Our community values need to reflect that.”

She adds: “Charli’s messaging talks to me on social media. She makes me feel like my body doesn’t need to fit these impossible standards, and she’s a model, my body will never look like that. It just won’t, and 90% of women’s bodies will never look like that, but we are still only used to seeing one body on the runway and in magazines. It’s an incredibly stupid and confusing thing for that to be shoved down young men and women’s throats. Being told: ‘This is what beautiful is.’ And it’s often unachievable to regular people.”

Lili has equally been very vocal about airbrushing – having once taken a magazine to task after they photoshopped her waist. “I would love to see a world where people who are already thin don’t need to photoshop their waist even more, to make young girls, like me, when I was 14 or 16 years old go, ‘I thought I was skinny, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I need to have an eating disorder to make my body look like that.’ Life is not a FaceTune app.” Can we get an amen up in here?

One body insecurity Lili has been conditioned into dealing with and won’t tolerate any longer is “this idea of cellulite”, as she angrily put it. “It really pisses me off. It’s this weird thing where people think that it’s unnatural or a symbol of being fat. It’s so f*cked up because cellulite is just a part of the human body. It’s just genetic, it’s like having freckles on your face. It’s something that is there, you’re born with it, and it’s become this disgusting thing. We’re told: ‘We need to laser this away, no one wants to see that.’ There's nothing more beautiful than when I see stretch marks, or cellulite, and people’s real skin.”

Taking a new healthy mindset into the gym has also helped Lili overcome her body insecurities. “I’ve started to go to the gym out of the want to feel strong. I’m not going into the gym thinking, ‘I want to be skinny, or I need to lose 10 pounds, or I need to not have cellulite, or my arms need to be thinner.’ There’s so much power in feeling strong and physically healthy. It’s badass to be strong.”

Having overcome so many self-confidence issues while simultaneously rising to fame, I wonder what message she would want to give to that insecure girl who was sleeping on a mattress only three years ago. Without hesitating, Lili replies, “You’ve done good! But also, the struggle that you’re going through right now only makes your success so much more profound. There are people who have been given fame and fortune on a silver platter, but I don’t think there’s anything inspirational about those people.

“I was from a small town in Ohio, from a middle-class family, I knew no one in the acting business. I didn’t have a baton passed down to me from an actor in my family. I did it on my own from sheer passion and knowing that this is what I was good at, and this is what I wanted to do. There truly is a lot of power in struggle and survival, and that’s what makes you a strong person,” she finishes, defiantly.

People don’t come much stronger or more honest than Lili Reinhart. As we hang up the phone so she can fly to LA – the place where, she says, “I want to settle down and have a home” – I only hope she finds a happy ever after with her own mind.

Source: Glamour

[pamelalillian-isley]

Old Wounds

I feel like I need to get things off of my chest. Things that have been bothering me for some time now. Things I thought I have overcome. 

 I have been told by friends, that I am strong and powerful and that I take no shit. And when it comes to their wellbeing- I am most definitely the protector and the healer.  But when it comes to myself...all those words of hope and wisdom seem to just sit on the surface. 

I haven’t been in a serious relationship since 2017. And it’s not for lack of trying. I had one “boyfriend” and it lasted a month. Before that, I was in a relationship for 7 years with an emotionally and mentally abusive man. I won’t get into describing him or who he was- as I don’t have anything positive to say about him. But I will tell you about his actions, and how they weakened me. 

I had to beg for things that should be standard. I had to beg to be touched, beg to be treated like a girlfriend. He would sit in his computer chair playing video games all the time. When I’d come over, and we wanted to watch a movie together- he never say next to me on the bed or couch or even cuddled. He was always in the chair. Needless to say our sex life was garbage because it was hard to initiate things with someone who’s head is always in a video game. I am a casual gamer myself, and tried to get him to play games with me- but he always made up some excuse as to why he couldn’t. 

Whenever a holiday came around where gifts are given (birthday, xmas, valentines, and our anniversary)- the effort was always subpar. Excuses I heard for why I received no gift, frequently were “the package is delayed” “its on backorder” and “it arrived broken so i had to send it back.” As far as the rest of the effort to make something special...it didn’t exist. Flowers? Happened ONCE, and it was because I told my best friend to suggest to him that he get me flowers for my birthday. Making plans always landed on me. He always asked “what do you want to do for valentines day/our anniversary/ your birthday” I had to provide the plans. Meaning whatever the activity was, and whatever the restaurant was - I had to pick. Whenever it was something for him (his birthday) I planned surprise parties, a dinner at a fancy expensive steak house he always wanted to try, I planned bbq’s and parties. I cooked his favorite dinners. I did what any normal woman would do for someone she loves. The energy I gave, was not returned.

I started to think, maybe I’m asking too much. Maybe I am being unreasonable? Maybe guys aren’t like they are in movies. Maybe I am being too hard on him and he’s trying his best. What guy actually tells his girlfriend she’s beautiful? That only happens in movies... 

He wasn’t trying his best. He would manipulate me into feeling bad for asking for things that should be standard. He made me feel guilty for wanting affection. He made me feel like I was needy. He would accuse me of flirting or cheating, or he would get weirdly aggressive (not physically) if another man was being nice to me. He hated that I had male friends from college and from my days of playing xbox live. He called my friends sluts and cheaters (they aren’t). He would gaslight me into thinking I was nuts. One day I came over, and when I went to kiss him...his mouth...smelled like pussy. But what did I do? I was beaten down into thinking I was nuts...I denied it. I chalked it up to me jumping to conclusions and I never even mentioned it to him. Come to find out years later- he was cheating on me...with a very close friend OF MINE. And he was doing it on and off the entirety of our relationship. 

I never looked through his phone or asked for passwords. I respected his privacy...but my gut started to tell me something was wrong. After years of crying to my best friends about how unhappy I was, I started to become suspicious of things. After I’d leave his house for the night, I would drive about 10 minutes away, and then drive pass his house to see if *her* car was there. (I was suspicious about them for a while...but i NEVER had solid proof or evidence. And i never even tried to bring it up, because he would gaslight me and say things like ‘are you sure YOU aren’t cheating and you have a guilty conscience so you’re accusing me?’) 

So my anxiety got worse, as did my depression. I have tons of other stories and examples of him being a piece of shit- but we’d be here all day, and this is already long af.

 Until one day I just couldn’t do it anymore. I woke up from a nightmare. In my dream I had basically faded away into someone I didn’t recognize. I basically turned into his mother. Not his mother like I babied him and mothered him. But I mean, I was in the same position as his mother. In real life, his mother was miserable. She hated her husband (his father). She was financially dependent on him and couldn’t work due to health issues. She dealt with a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive man. She let herself go. She gained weight, stopped doing her hair and makeup. She stopped dressing nice. She became a shell of who she was. And she would come into the room when I was over, and she’d talk to me and say shit like “I wish I had money. I’d take my kids and gtfo” (my ex had a younger brother). In hindsight, I think she was trying to warn me. I think whenever she came in to vent and to talk and say things like “i wish I could leave him”- i think she saw what was happening...and I think she was dropping hints.  Anyway, in my dream....my life ended up just like hers. 

I woke up in a panic and sweaty. I called him and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him it was over. That I wasn’t happy, and I didn’t want to beg him for attention. I didn’t want to beg him to treat me like a girlfriend. Afterword he went on facebook and posted “7 years down the drain with a phone call” as his status. THE FUCKING AUDACIDTY. A few days later he wanted to meet up to talk. I thought he was going to come clean, or apologize for being a shit head and try to get me back. No. Instead he took that opportunity to shit on me. All those things he told me he loved about me, he used against me. He said I emasculated him. He said I was too aggressive, too needy, too much. He then accused me of infidelity and yelled “you can go back to whoever you’re fucking now" as we walked away to our separate cars. 

A week after I broke up with him, I had found out that he was indeed cheating on me with that girl, the entire time. I found out, that because I was out of the picture, they were openly together. To my surprise I wasn’t pissed. I laughed. I actually laughed for a solid 5 minutes. I felt....vindicated. Because what my gut had told me the entire time WAS true. I WASN’T crazy. I knew it the whole fucking time. 

And now I was free. To be honest I ended up spiraling out a bit. Got into cocaine and alcohol to numb the feeling that I wasted 7 years with someone like that. I was so angry at myself for not leaving sooner, for ignoring those red flags, for losing myself and who I was. I stayed in that spiral of doom for about a year.

 Things started to get better and I thought “lets try some casual dating.” What a terrible idea. Not only had I just gotten over the trauma, but I hadn’t fully healed. My worth felt....worthless. The bar was SO FUCKING LOW, that I attracted total idiot fuck boys. “Oh my god he called me beautiful”  *insert eyeroll here*

Its been 4 years now. I do want to be in a relationship. I have tried. But it always comes up short. They either don’t want to commit, or they’re alcoholics, or they’re misogynists'. Mostly its been men who don’t want to commit. Everyone just wants to fuck and run. I tried the fun, no strings attached thing. It got old really fast. Either I caught feelings, OR the sex ended up being boring because I prefer sex with emotions. I prefer being really into someone romantically when having sex. So FWB isn’t for me. 

But I am slowly accepting that maybe I won’t ever meet anyone. That maybe I’ll be that cool wacky aunt to my friends kids. A majority of my friends are married and some already have kids. I am already their crazy auntie. And maybe that’s my roll in life. Maybe I will be that woman who never marries, but travels the world and experiences life and has amazing stories and wisdom. 

But deep down inside....I’d really like to know what it feels like to be loved. I am loved by friends and family. But I have never experienced what its like to be loved romantically. I have never been kissed by someone who loves me. 

[quaalussy]

Dreamboy Episode 7: The Rally

Hi I’m back with another Dreamboy transcript, this is a great episode! Sorry for any mistakes I might have made.  Also: if you’re looking to hire a transcriptionist for your podcast or anything else please feel free to shoot me a message, I’m always looking for work!

LITTLE KIDS [sung]

She won’t be able to run in the grass

She won’t be able to lay in the sun 

She won’t say hi to the people who pass

She won’t see hi to anyone

She won’t be able to love or dream or anything else that we said 

Cause zebras can’t do anything after they are dead

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA

Thank you! Thank you! Keep it going for Ms. Hernandez’s second-grade class from Pepper Heights Elementary, with the shockingly accurate little ditty that they wrote! Wow! Thank you, kiddies. Now don’t let your energies flag, kids. Everyone, I know it’s getting late, I know we’re tired and scared and wondering whether this is all gonna lead up to anything useful, but it is. We’re gonna stay here and we’re gonna.. we’re gonna keep our feet planted on the ground until our demands are met. I, Diana Greasefire, am determined to have our voices heard. I will stay here with my zebra striped sleeping bag and my zebra striped mask, and I will sleep here until I get answers. Alright come on how’re we, how’re we doing out there?

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA Good? 

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA Oh, I can’t hear you.

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING LOUDER]

DIANA Yeah? What do we say?

CROWD

SAVE ZOE!

DIANA What do we say?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA WHAT DO WE SAY?

CROWD 

SAVE ZOE!

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA That’s right. Now, we have a long night of rallying ahead so have some coffee. It’s free over at that table, donated by the lovely folks down at Settler’s Coffee. 

[SMALL GROUP CHEERS]

DIANA

I tell you this little sexy zebra print number has served me well the last few weeks down at The Hussy, but if I’m honest, now that I'm outside in this cooler October night air, I just wish there were a little bit more of it. But then again, how else am I gonna get Mr. Kritch to come out and talk to us?

[CROWD BOOS]

DIANA We know you’re in there, Kritchy! We know you ain’t leaving anytime soon, cause your car is currently surrounded by morbid second-graders. 

DIANA [to child]

Go on sweetie, yeah you can stand on the car, jump up and down.

DIANA [to crowd]

Okay. so, I'm gonna bring up my co-host, you may know her from other animal activism activities. She is currently working to educate uhhh people about uhh, hang on I have to read this part. “The effect of deforestation on the delicate symbiotic evolutionary relationship between the Madagascar Honey Orchid and the Madagascar Honey Wasp, its only known pollinator.” Well, that’s a mouthful. Anyway, please welcome to the stage Carol Buxtrom!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

CAROL

Thanks, Diana. Uh, you look really good. [clears throat] Whoa, okay. All of you out there you all are really rad to show up for a cause like this. When I think about this issue, I just get so worked up and angry, and I didn't trust myself to not get all emotional up here, so I wrote it down. So I’m just gonna read this and try to, you know, stay calm and Carol on. Okay, here goes. [clears throat] Last summer on August 29th, just after one A.M., a scared and defenseless wild animal had its space violated by an intruder, and in a split second reaction of fear, defended itself to the best of its ability. The intruder was a boy named Ian Harris, and he was killed. Our hearts go out to his family, but that wild animal is a zebra named Zoe that has spent nearly sixteen years interacting with the publics here at Pepper Heights with no incidents. Tomorrow morning, Judge Elizabeth Gardner [sobs] is set to. Sorry. [sobs]

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL

Is set to announce her decision about the euthanization of Zoe the zebra. She could very well decide to end Zoe’s life based on incidents that were not at all her fault, but we still have tonight to let her know how Pepper Heights really feels, so let’s be a loud voice in her ear. Everybody: 

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL

Get out your phones and tweet: #SaveZoe at Judge Elizabeth Gardner. Go ahead, everybody, do it now. Or you could email too, judgeegardner@hotmail.com. 

DIANA

Hotmail? Oh my god. Can I hear some of her songs on Myspace? [laughs]

CAROL

While you guys do that, I wanted to read some uhh zebra facts to you that you might not know. Uhhh, okay. Zoe the zebra’s latin name is Equus quagga. 

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL When zebras stay in groups, their stripes confuse the eyes of would-be predators, making it hard to single out an individual. The stripes of each zebra are unique, like...

DANE [to listener]

The all-night rally. I totally forgot it was tonight. It’s fucking going strong now too in the parking lot. Jesus, like everybody from Pepper Heights is here. I’m just wandering through the crowd, everybody all around me in their zebra shirts with their “SAVE ZOE” signs, and my head is killing me because I haven’t eaten like anything all day, and I just got escorted out of my work place by Sheila fucking Panzarelli and then told to wait here by a fucking twelve year old. Which, I was so out of it that I actually did for a minute before I was like “what the fuck am I doing?” Also, why the fuck is Sheila doing security sweeps? [sighs]. I should probably just go home. Hey, I know that guy from the coffee shop. Wait, maybe they have free food here. The crowd is starting to get very bored of the wasp lady’s zebra facts. 

CAROL Zebras are not horses, people.

DANE I see Luke looking down at his phone on the side of the crowd. He looks up, and for some reason I do that thing where I act like I don’t see him, and I think I’ll just look back in a couple of seconds and casually see him, but when I look back he’s walking away, like maybe he didn’t see me the first time? So I start to thread through the crowd to follow him, but I keep losing sight of him, and the boring science channel stuff on stage apparently signaled bathroom and coffee break to everyone, so they’re all moving around. And all of them are wearing zebra stripes so they all blend together, like, my eyes hurt. Where the fuck did he go? I think- there, there. No. there! No. I literally feel like a starving lion trying to pick a meal out of the black and white swirl. Jesus, this really works, good job nature. So I start moving quicker through the crowd, and I think I'm turned around, I'm going to the middle again? People are really starting to jostle me now. The murmurs have turned into full on talking, like no one’s even pretending to pay attention to the stage, which is somewhere behind me at this point. There! I see him again. He’s just fifteen feet from me, facing the other way.

DANE [to crowd]

Excuse me, excuse me, sorry, sorry.

DANE [to listener]

I bump into some teenage boys, I pass a  family, almost tripping over a stroller. Finally I get up to him, and I reach up and tap his shoulder.

DANE [to boy]

Luke. 

DANE [to listener]

He turns around, but it’s not Luke. it’s just another boy. 

DANE [to boy]

Oh, s-sorry. No I just… I thought you were someone else. 

DANE [to listener]

I turn back towards the stage. It’s just a sea of writhing zebra stripes. Then someone taps my arm. I turn around quick, but I don't see anyone. Wait, it’s a kid. Like, seven years old maybe? Standing there and looking up at me. 

DANE [to kid]

Hey. Do you need help?

DANE [to listener]

He hands me a flier. I take it and look at it, but it’s not a “SAVE ZOE” flier. It just says “#WHATABOUTIAN” in big, bold type. I look back up at him, but he’s already running back out of the crowd. And then he disappears into a smaller crowd at the side of the rally that I hadn't noticed before. They’re counter-protestors. Some of them have signs that say the same thing: “#WHATABOUTIAN”, and others have signs that have two pictures side by side on them. The first picture is Ian as a little kid, smiling and playing in the grass, but the second picture is the police photo of when they found his dead body. Wow, it’s intense.

CAROL 

A group of zebras is referred to as a herd, dazzle, or a zeal. Ha! which is totally neat. Of course, Zoe is a single zebra which is, you know, just called a zebra. Umm-

DIANA

Ok, Carol, thank you. 

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

DIANA

Let’s do more facts later.

CAROL Oh, Okay. Anyone who has questions can talk to me later.

DIANA Okay! [sighs] Okay Kritchy, you coward! I am standing here in my zebra striped dress with my zebra striped sleeping bag, in case this goes long, and my thermos of hot toddies and my zebra slippers, and I am waiting for you to get up the courage to come out here and look me in my face. What do we say, everyone?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA What do we say?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA

That’s right!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

DIANA

I think we should try to enchant Mr. Kritch out to talk to us with a little song. 

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR CHORD]

DIANA What do you say, everybody? You wanna sing together with me? Come on, you ready? Here. 

[BEGINS TO PLAY GUITAR]

DIANA I’ll start us off.

[GUITAR INTRO]

DIANA [sung]

We shall overcome

We shall overcome

We shall overcome someday 

PERSON IN CROWD I love you Diana!!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

DIANA [sung]

Deep in my heart

I do believe

We shall overcome someday

DIANA

We’ll walk hand in hand!

CROWD [sung]

We’ll walk hand in hand 

We’ll walk hand in hand

We’ll walk hand in hand someday

[SONG CONTINUES UNDER THE FOLLOWING]

DANE [to listener] I swear I just heard Luke’s voice. Like, close by. I look around, but I don't see him. Then, a huge zebra striped balloon floats by, and I look. I watch it pass, and then Luke is right there, just ten feet from me. He sees me too. He doesn’t seem surprised, though. I walk up to him slowly, and he puts his phone in his pocket and straightens up. As I get closer I can see his face. It’s sort of a mix of shy and embarrassed and glad and pouty all at the same time. 

LUKE Hey. 

DANE Hey.

LUKE

What’s up?

DANE Nothing, what’s up with you?

LUKE Nothing. 

DANE AND LUKE

[unintelligible]

[BOTH LAUGH]

LUKE Yeah, so look, I just um, you know-

JENNIFER

There you are, jesus! Why didn’t you stay over there?

DANE

Fuck, Jennifer! Because I'm not your poodle. Like, for being an anti-fascist you really are-

JENNIFER We don’t have time for this.

DANE [to listener]

The twins, Merryl and Sherryl, walk up behind her. Jennifer looks anxious. She looks down at her watch and then scans the crowd. Luke looks at all of us with a wrinkled expression.

LUKE 

What are you guys doing?

DANE We are doing nothing. I don’t know what she’s doing

DANE [to listener]

For once, Jennifer doesn’t look angry or mean or smug, she almost looks like a kid. She gets closer to me, looks right at me.

JENNIFER

They are keeping an animal I love in the dark alone in there, and it’s killing her. Tonight, I’m gonna go get her out of that dark. 

DANE That’s, like, literally what happens at any zoo.

JENNIFER Exactly! They’re all animal jails. 

LUKE So you wanna jailbreak Zoe? You’re a little badass. 

JENNIFER Yes, but...

DANE [to listener]

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, then lets it out and opens them and looks at me JENNIFER

I need your help.

DANE [to Jennifer] What are you talking about, you’re crazy. Like, you’re twelve years old, what the fuck are you planning on doing?

JENNIFER First, I’m almost thirteen. Second, growing up is a myth. And third-

DANE [to listener]

She looks back at the twins, standing on either side of her, and then back to me with a weird smile

JENNIFER We have a plan. 

DANE [to listener]

Then she sees something to her left behind me, and her eyes go wide and her face gets serious

JENNIFER Oh no. He’s early. 

DANE [to listener]

I turn around and follow her stare. On the back edge of the parking lot, far from the crowd, there’s a utility truck parked under a light pole, and a man in a bucket on a crane coming up from the truck, and the bucket is rising. It gets to the top and then stops. 

JENNIFER Okay, okay, it’s go time. Merryl, Sherryl, stay on the time markers no matter what? Got it?

TWIN 1

Got it.

TWIN 2

Uh, okay.

DANE [to JENNIFER]

What is going on?

JENNIFER No more time.

DANE [to listener]

She looks at me and Luke.

JENNIFER

You in or out?

DANE I don’t… I don’t even know what you’re talking about, like in what? 

DANE [to listener]

Her face looks strange.

JENNIFER Please.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Please what?!

DANE [to listener]

The power goes out, the lights on the stage and everything. The crowd stops singing and everyone starts shuffling and murmuring, slowly starting to panic. People start yelling for their kids. The only light is from the billboard for the exhibit way at the other end of the parking lot. Luke steps forward and looks at Jennifer. 

LUKE We’re in. 

DANE [to listener]

I look at Luke. he won’t even look back at me.

JENNIFER Great. Follow us. 

DANE [to listener]

She takes off through the crowd, the twins just behind her. I keep looking at Luke, but he just takes off after them. 

[SILENCE]

Jennifer, the twins, and Luke are all standing in front of a hole dug under the fence in front of the zoo. Right as I walk up, Jennifer kneels down and starts to go under the fence. I look around, but nobody sees her, everyone's just scrambling in the dark and paying no attention. The power going out was a classic diversion. Did she plan all this? Like, what organization are they a part of, the CIA for kids? Jennifer goes through the hole, then the twins, and then Luke. [sighs] I look around one more time. Fuck. [sighs] I follow them through. [panting] I get up and brush myself off, and then I go over to where they’re at, in the shadows against the souvenir stands and ticket booths. 

[DREAMBOY SONG PLAYS IN BACKGROUND]

DANE [to group]

Guys! Am I the only one worried about getting caught? Like, what about the security guards? Or Kritch, Sheila.

JENNIFER Kritch is watching the livestream of the rally in his office, I bet you fifty bucks, and the security guards follow the same routine every single night. Three guards, three booths, they rotate between the three booths every thirty minutes.

DANE [to listener]

She looks down at her watch. 

JENNIFER We have another twenty-five minutes before the next rotation.

DANE [to Jennifer] What about Sheila? Like, she’s the scariest one.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer considers the question. 

JENNIFER

She is sort of a wild card. But it’s a risk we will have to take. The good news is, she’s not exactly good at being covert. Everybody just look out for a wheezy, cussing thing with a lightsaber flashlight.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Look, this isn’t just about getting banned from the zoo or me getting fired, like we could all get arrested. On serious charges! Which is a big deal if you’re not a little kid. 

DANE [to listener]

Luke still isn’t looking at me. 

LUKE

It’s weird they leave the music on all night. 

TWIN 

It’s for the animals. 

JENNIFER

Okay, let’s go. 

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer runs off into the shadows, weaving between food stands, pausing whenever she can, looking at her watch. God, it’s like she was made for this. Her legs flick in and out of the dim light, and the twins are in lock step right behind her, and Luke is right behind them, his legs almost as quick, and I'm following with legs… legs of a person that doesn’t wanna get arrested. 

[CICADA NOISES]

DANE [to listener]

[sighs] The twins are whispering things to us like little tour guides

TWIN 1 Over there’s the rides.

TWIN 2

And the Candy Clown

LUKE

[sighs] I used to hate the Candy Clown. 

JENNIFER

Come on!

DANE [to listener] Jennifer’s moving like a little Navy SEAL, doing that thing where she points at her eyes then points ahead. 

TWIN 1

There’s the swan. 

DANE [to listener]

The other twin points to a single white swan next to the pond. It looks blue in the night, its head is hidden in its wings. I stop. There’s an information kiosk in front of us, but there’s a movement inside. 

DANE [to group]

Guys, wait. There’s someone inside that booth.

DANE [to listener]

The twins both look back and smile.

TWIN 1 Lost and found.

TWIN 2

All the phones. 

DANE [to twins] Oh, jesus. Okay. 

DANE [to listener]

I look in the window as we pass it. There’s a cardboard box full of phones. A lot of them are dead, but some are flickering with messages. “Where are you?” “Are you mad at me?” “Hey.” 

JENNIFER Come on!

DANE [to listener]

We round another food stand, walk along this low wall for a few seconds, and then I see it. 

TWIN

The animal gate.

DANE [to listener]

There’s this tall, decorative iron gate set into a high stone wall that separates the animal exhibits from the rides and food and stuff. It’s this overwhelming, intricate scene of animals all sculpted with wrought iron, their bodies all twisting around each other and their faces all looking up. It’s like a gothic mural but with metal animals, but I’ve never actually really looked at it cause it’s swung open when the zoo is open. Now that I see it, it’s really beautiful. Luke slowly walks forward and looks up at the gate.

LUKE Oh my god. I remember when I was a kid, getting here early enough to see them open the animal gate was like the most magical thing, and then once we got inside my mom and I would always do the same exact thing every time: chocolate ice cream cone with a hard dipped shell and then visit Zoe. I remember her being almost close enough to touch, it’s like so weird to think that-

[JENNIFER GRUNTING]

DANE [to listener]

I look over off to the side of the gate. Jennifer’s trying to unlatch the huge metal bar attached to the stone wall. 

[JENNIFER GRUNTING LOUDER]

DANE [to Jennifer]

Mmm, need help? DANE [to listener]

Then the latch comes loose and the gate swings free with a loud deep groan.

[GATE CREAKING, JENNIFER PANTING]

DANE [to group]

Wow, lotta good that does keeping people out.

DANE [to listener] Jennifer steps back onto the path and brushes her clothes off, a little out of breath.

JENNIFER

It’s not meant to keep us out, it’s meant to keep them in. 

DANE [to listener]

Then she walks through the gate; the twins follow. Luke goes through behind them but stops when he sees I'm not following. He turns around and looks at me, for the first time since the parking lot. 

LUKE You coming?

DANE

[sighs] I don’t know. What if I say no?

DANE [to listener]

He walks up to me. His face is really soft and sweet, and he doesn’t look mad at all, like does he not know he didn’t text me all day long and like left me hanging? Like, what the fuck is he thinking?

LUKE

Are you really gonna say no?

DANE [to listener]

He reaches out and grabs my hand. My body twitches like an electromagnet.

[TWINKLY MUSIC]

DANE [to listener]

The animal section of the zoo is dark except for a few random bluish-white lights that make everything look dead and icy. Luke is still holding my hand. 

LUKE These lights are weird. Also, isn’t the power out? Like- 

JENNIFER Those are emergency lights. Backup generator, only essential systems.

DANE [to listener] She keeps her eyes ahead as she talks. And all three of them, the not girl scouts, are walking in front of me and Luke at that specific speed of children that want you to know that they know where they’re going and that they’re not afraid. And Jennifer starts whispering things too and pointing. It’s like all three of them have the whole history of this place memorized, but I can’t quite pay attention because all I can think about is Luke’s hand. 

JENNIFER

That’s the creepy-crawlies building. My dad says that it’s just an old shed they like infested with bugs, and it’s a crime that they make people pay to see it. TWIN

That’s the parrot William something. He’s old. He talks but he just says numbers.

JENNIFER

There’s the lion and tigers and bears exhibit. A lion, a tiger, and bear that used to be movie animals. The tiger’s been dead for years, though.

TWIN 

So now it’s just a lion and a bear. 

DANE [to listener]

I’m trying not to look at Luke, but there’s this feeling between our arms. It’s like a buzzing. 

TWIN There’s the new exhibit. They’ve been digging holes over there for months now.

DANE [to listener]

There’s a low wooden barricade in front of the new exhibit with a sign that says “coming soon” on it and another sign that’s half ripped down that says “Forgotten Sea”. The buzzing feeling surges. We both yank our hands away. 

TWIN That’s a bathroom. 

DANE [to listener]

I hear a tarp snapping in the wind somewhere over in the dark of the new exhibit. Something in my body turns over. Then I hear music. Opera. 

[OPERA PLAYING FAINTLY]

JENNIFER That’s Madam Beauregard’s radio. She has to listen to music when she sleeps or she has nightmares. She used to be a NASA flight test chimp, and she went to space once, but she came back crazy. Then she lived in the swampy part of Florida where some man made her do this sideshow act on the side of the road.

TWIN

Made her wear a nightgown and read a paper and drink coffee

JENNIFER Yeah, but he actually gave her real coffee, so she got addicted. Now she has to have coffee right when she wakes up or she goes insane. 

LUKE Wow. How did I not know any of this stuff? 

DANE [to listener]

We come around a curve where the main path sort of narrows and then ends at this long iron fence. Just darkness beyond. Jennifer walks up to the fence and stops. 

JENNIFER Zoe’s exhibit. Or, used to be. 

DANE [to Jennifer]

I mean they still let her outside a little bit, way far back there so people at least can still see her.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer looks at me with a pathetic look. Then she hops up and starts to climb the fence.

DANE [to Jennifer]

What the fuck are you doing?

DANE [to listener] In no time she’s over and standing in the artificial savannah, looking back at us. 

JENNIFER Come on.

DANE [to listener]

The twins go over. Then Luke. I'm starting to sense a pattern here, so I put my foot on the fence, but it immediately slips, and I hit my knee hard, and I fall a little bit, and I do that thing where it hurts so bad that you just hold it and rock back and forth while everyone waits. [grunts, breathes deeply, sighs] I try again. I really don’t know if I can do this. Jennifer’s trying to coach me, but it’s just annoying. 

JENNIFER

Ughh, just put your foot on the wall.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Yeah. JENNIFER Put your other foot on the fence. Now grab the- No no no.

DANE [to Jennifer[

What?

JENNIFER

Hold on with both hands and kind of swing your hip, yeah. Swing your hips. Okay, no, like that but do it better.

DANE [to Jennifer]

I’m trying.

JENNIFER

Just swing your hips, yeah, now pull- pull yourself, now pull yourself, okay.

[DANE GRUNTING]

JENNIFER

Okay, there it is.

DANE

Goddamn.

DANE [to listener]

I finally make it over and land with a grunt in the dirt. [groans]

TWIN 

This is the spot where the Harris boy climbed in.

DANE [to listener]

The twin is looking right at me, then she points to a spot on the ground by the wall.

TWIN 

And that’s where he died.

DANE

Whoa. 

DANE [to listener]

I look at the spot. I think about the picture I saw on those signs in the parking lot.

JENNIFER

He wouldn’t have died if it weren’t for toxic masculine peer pressure. 

DANE

What? TWIN

It’s a tradition for high school boys to break in here at night and touch Zoe. 

DANE

But he was like eleven.

JENNIFER

Exactly. He heard about his older brothers doing it and wanted to be cool like them. Stupid boy stuff. 

DANE Exactly. Stupid. And here we are doing the exact same thing, like-

JENNIFER Trust me, I have a plan. 

DANE [to listener]

I look down at the spot on the ground again. I think I can still see blood stains, but it’s so dark I can't be sure.

JENNIFER

Now, let's go!

DANE [to listener]

We tip-toe through Zoe’s artificial environment. It’s made to resemble a rocky outcrop in an African savannah, so what look like rocks from the front are actually just plastic and hollow in the back. But, I mean, I guess this savannah wasn’t made for Zoe anyway. 

JENNIFER

[breathes deeply] Okay. This is it. Where’s your keys?

DANE [to listener]

There’s a door. It’s made to look like stone. 

DANE [to Jennifer]

That’s the help you needed? My keys? I told you I only have keys to the ride building and the broom closet, that’s it, those two. So looks like we’re all just gonna go home, good plan. 

LUKE

Wait, we’re not actually gonna go inside-inside are we?

DANE 

No we’re not, not without keys. 

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer walks up and looks at me and slams her brow down over her eyes.

JENNIFER

Listen: come in or not, I don’t care, but I’ve been planning tonight for months, and all I need is to get through that door, and then you can go. After that door is open, I don't care where you go. 

DANE [to Jennifer]

Yeah right, and let you just get killed by a murderous zebra? They’d put me in jail for letting you in, stupid. 

JENNIFER

I told you already, Zoe died months ago. Give me the keys and I'll show you. 

LUKE Wait, what?

DANE

These keys? 

DANE [to listener]

I take my keys from my pocket, and I throw them at her feet. 

DANE [to Jennifer]

Go ahead, try them. I told you they don’t fucking go to these doors, so have at it.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer grabs the keys from the ground, walks over to the door, and sticks them in. The broom closet one immediately works. The door swings open. She yanks my keys from the knob and throws them back at my feet. Then she snears at me and disappears into the dark. The twins follow. [sighs] I don’t understand. Like… I don’t understand. 

LUKE

Zoe’s dead?

DANE [to listener] 

I’m still looking at the dark of the doorway where Jennifer and the twins disappeared. Almost talking to myself. 

DANE [to Luke]

I... who knows? I don’t know. She could be, I guess.

LUKE

Zoe’s dead.

DANE [to listener] I hear something edging in Luke’s voice. I look over at him. He’s looking down. His eyes are distant. 

DANE Well, we don’t know that yet.

DANE

He kneels down quickly and starts to pick up pieces of gravel just to have something to do with his hands, it looks like. The whole time, he’s looking off in the distance. I walk up to him slowly and kneel down beside him. His lip is trembling. He can’t look at me. I wait a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and then I reach out and put my hand on his shoulder.

DANE [to Luke]

Hey…

DANE [to listener]

But as soon as I touch him, he just start sobbing like he can’t hold it back anymore 

[LUKE SOBBING]

DANE

And he falls into me, and he wraps his arms around my torso and cries onto my neck. I feel the wetness on my skin. It feels weirdly good that he’s crying on me, and then I feel weird that it feels good. 

DANE [to Luke]

Hey buddy, you’re okay, you’re okay.

[LUKE BREATHING DEEPLY]

DANE [to listener]

After a bit, his rhythm slowly evens out, and his fingers unclench from my shirt in the back, and he buries his face in my neck and just breathes. I breathe too. Our breathing is lining up. 

[DANE AND LUKE BREATHE]

DANE

We both pull away, and get to our feet. We don’t really look at each other. Instead, our eyes fall on the open doorway. 

LUKE

We have to go in there. We have to make sure they don’t get hurt.

DANE 

[groans]

LUKE [sighs] Yeah, I know.

DANE 

The darkness in the doorway seems to be looking back at us like a giant eye socket. I don’t wanna go in there. But I know whatever’s going on with this zoo and this zebra is weird. I mean, everything about this place is weird, but I just feel like the answer’s... the answer’s through that door. 

[DISTANT SCREAM]

[DREAMBOY THEME PLAYS]

ELLIE HAYMEN

Dreamboy is co-created by Dane Terry and Ellie Haymen. Developed and directed by Ellie Haymen. Written, composed, and performed by Dane Terry, featuring Michael Cavadias, Dito Van Reigersberg, Renata Friedman, Morgan Meadows, Avery Draut, Gianna Masi, Alice Tolan-Mee, Somerset Thompson, and Jake Sellers Sound Designed, Engineered, Mixed and Mastered by Chris Weingarten at Bananappeal Studio. Edited by Alexander Charles Adams. Creative Producer and Assistant Director: Ashlin Hatch. Associate producer: Adam Cecil. Executive Producer: Christy Gressman. A very special thanks to Night Vale Presents. You can find us on Twitter and Instagram @dreamboypodcast. For more info and for merch check out dreamboypodcast.com.

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Family Fights - Chapter Fourteen

Summary:  Even the strongest bond, the most loving family, can be broken by nightmares, and the librarian is soon to learn this. As she learns sinister things about a person who she had thought was lost forever, she realizes she will need the help of another witch to get her family back.

Notes:  It really is a testament to how much I love sketchbook and Hilda that I managed to write this while my head is filled with thoughts of Amity Blight. Hope you like it!

(chpt1) (chpt2) (chpt3) (chpt4) (chpt5) (chpt6) (chpt7) (chpt8) (chpt9) (chpt10) (chpt11) (chpt12) (chpt13) (chpt14)

“It’s… a seed?”

“It’s a burnt seed.” Maven corrected, but Hilda couldn’t see how that was any better. When her mentor had told her that she was ready for her first spell, ecstatic didn't even begin to describe how happy she’d been. After so long studying mostly theory and basic exercises, she definitely felt ready for something more advanced, and it was heartening to know that Maven thought so too. So when during their lesson she broke the news that she’d be doing a spell, Hilda hadn’t even wanted to wait until the next week to do it.

They’d met in the library after Hilda left school, and went to the hidden section to choose a spellbook. Surrounded by so many possibilities, Hilda hadn’t had a clue of which one to pick, but luckily Maven seemed to know exactly what would be good for her apprentice. The librarian chose a small yet thick book with an earthy scent to it. The title was written in runes, but Maven assured her that they meant the book was one of green magic. Apparently, Maven had had it all planned, because when they arrived at Hilda’s home the girl found out that she’d already left a plastic pot and a small bag of soil there during the day.

Though Hilda had wanted to begin right away and see what the chosen spell was all about, Johanna insisted that the two witches ate something first, and Maven had agreed with her with the explanation that a spell would require energy from Hilda. All the while she had eaten, expectation had built on her as possibilities crammed her mind. She’d thought maybe she’d be presented with a magical plant, known to no one but witches, or learn to make one speak, so being presented with a seed, completely ordinary and burnt, even, was quite a shock.

“What am i supposed to do with it?” She asked as Maven put the small seed on her hand. It looked as if it was a sunflower’s, and Hilda squinted to try to find anything special about it.

“Plant it.” Maven said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Though noticing Hilda’s confusion, she picked up the book they’d checked out and began to look for the spell.

“But anyone can plant a seed.” She raised herself on her toes to try and see the pages that Maven was scrolling through. “I thought we were going to do something magical.”

Finding the right page, the librarian put the book down on the table and watched closely for Hilda’s reaction. The girl all but jumped on the book, tracing her fingertip through the paper.

“Speed and life spell so your greenery will excel.” She whispered, reading the inscription that had been written in bold words under the witch runes on top of the page, which she assumed indicated the name of the spell.

“Anyone can plant a healthy seed.” Maven rectified, delighted at how Hilda ran her eyes through the spell avidly. “And anyone can wait for months for it to grow. But that’s not what we’ll be doing.”

“Amazing!” Suddenly overcome with excitement, Hilda jumped up and down. Hearing the commotion, Johanna looked at them from her seat at her drawing table, where she’d gone to after making sure that the two of them had eaten. She smiled and shook her head fondly, then returned her attention to her work.

Maven sat down at the table, inviting Hilda to do the same. Before anything else, it was crucial that they studied the spell they were about to cast. As they wouldn’t be inviting any spirit or manipulating anyone’s energy, they wouldn’t need to cast a protection circle for the ritual, but as should be done before any sort of energy work, Hilda would need to ground herself. She didn’t look very happy at the prospect of taking the time to ground, wanting to jump to the spell right away, but she seemed to know better than to question Maven’s competence about this.

The spell looked a lot less complex than others she’d seen and heard about before. Other than a sigil, the spellcaster needed only their own energy to complete it, and Hilda asked Maven about it’s simplicity.

“Spell ingredients lend their energy to the spells, according to their correspondences.” She explained. “But for this you won’t need anything to strengthen your own energy, because you’re not going to be the activating party of the spell.”

Hilda frowned and wondered if she’d misunderstood the librarian. She thought she would do this spell on her own, but if Maven was going to activate it, it just wouldn’t be the same thing.

“Who is it going to be, then? What’s even left for me to do?!”

Making a gesture for Hilda to stay calm, the librarian pointed at a round doodle in the paper, one that had once been painted yellow but was now faded. It was only recognizable because of the stars surrounding it. Under the full moon, there was a paragraph that the girl hadn’t yet noticed.

“We are going to let the pot sit outside for the night after you’re done with your part. The moon will be the one to charge the spell, but you will still have to create a pathway for this energy to manifest itself the way you want. That’s why you will only be using a sigil and your own visualization. Does this make sense to you?”

“It does!”

“In that case, let’s get started.”

_#_#_#_

Johanna hadn’t seen much of what had happened the night before. After the witches had finished analyzing the spell, they had picked the book, the pot and the bag of soil and headed to Hilda’s room. There hadn’t been any lights that she could see or any explosions that she could hear. All was silent until some time later, when Maven asked for a broom to clean the floor of remnants of dirt and Hilda came right behind her holding the pot, now filled to the brim and looking perfectly normal.

The pot was left in one of the window sills in the living room, where they had agreed more moonlight would reach it, and after Maven was gone and Hilda had retreated to her room again in order to study, Johanna had spent some time trying to figure out what had been done. Though she hadn’t dared to touch the pot, she was sure that if it had eyes, it would have been scared by how intensely she squinted at it.

In her mind, magic was grand and intimidating, nothing like the quiet spell and unassuming green pot, so she’d really feared it hadn’t worked. During the night, thoughts of how disappointed Hilda would be plagued her mind before she fell asleep, and she had all but already planned the speech about persevering when things went wrong she’d give to her daughter.

But that’s not what had happened.

Used to rising early to make Hilda breakfast, Johanna was up only after the sun. As usual, she was going to open up the kitchen and living room windows, so that the cool, pure morning air could come in before the weather warmed up. Something was different, though, and it took her a while to notice in the sleepy state she’d been. It became obvious when she headed to open the window where the pot had been placed: a radiant sunflower grew all the way to the ceiling.

She’d run out of the kitchen and woken Hilda up, euphorically telling her that her spell had worked. The girl had barely been able to contain a scream of joy, and Johanna could do nothing but be proud of her daughter for what she’d managed to do.

Now, with Hilda already at school, Johanna rushed to the library to let Maven know about the spell’s success. When she arrived, the librarian was behind the circulation desk, turning on the computer to get the system running for the day. As she heard the door opening, she looked up with a surprised glint on her eyes, not having expected to have any patrons that early. After seeing who it was though, her face softened and she smiled in greeting.

“Good morning, Johanna.” She said when the woman had approached the desk. Given the satisfaction on her face, she had probably already worked out the reason behind Johanna’s visit.

“It worked!” Johanna felt some embarrassment when she realized that she’d forgotten to return her good morning, but she was sure Maven understood. This was a special occasion. “The spell, it worked! This huge sunflower grew overnight!”

The look of satisfaction did not go away as the librarian nodded calmly.

“Hilda is very skilled. She must be over the moon with it.”

“She is. Very happy, I mean. But Maven, don’t you see it?” She instinctively put her hands on top of the librarian’s where they lied atop of the desk, making a blush spread over the librarian’s cheeks.

“I… I’m sorry, see what?”

“This is proof that Hilda is good at this. It means that you can’t give up hope with your sister.”

Maven sighed, looking down at their hands.

“Whether or not my sister can be saved unfortunately doesn’t depend on Hilda. But if you are so confident, then I will take a vow of trust and not lose faith.”

“That’s the spirit!” Johanna grinned, earning an answering smile from the librarian when she looked up at her again. There was still something infinitely sad in her eyes, however, and Johanna frowned when she realized it.

For a few moments, the library was in complete silence as they stared into each other’s eyes. In the stillness of the early morning, only their breathing could be heard.

“I miss having a family.” Maven said then, making Johanna surprised that she hadn’t even needed prompting to share her worries. That was a big evolution from how closed off she usually was, and some happiness came from knowing that the librarian seemed to trust her more now.

“I miss it so much...”

Feeling her heart break for the woman in front of her, Johanna took hold of Maven’s hands and brought them to her heart, noticing how surprised she looked at the gesture of affection.

“When we bring Myra back, you’ll have a sister. But you’re already part of a family, Maven.” Seeing her lips part in surprise, Johanna squeezed her hands tighter.

“And we’ll never leave you behind.”