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vinylexams · 5 years

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Heavy Heavy Low Low - Courtside Seats to the Greatest Fuck of All Time⁠

⁠ @heavyheavylowlow38 #heavyheavylowlow #hhll #deathwish @deathwishinc⁠ ⁠ I’ve been lucky as hell recently to snag insider info on some killer reissues and this one is no exception. You all already know how much I love HHLL, especially Turtle Nipple…, and through serendipity I got connected with Robbie from the band a few months back. I got to hear about how they are coming back to life after some years focusing on other projects, growing up and growing out, and evolving as musicians and artists in the process. They’ve worked with Twelve Gauge Records to put Courtside Seats on vinyl for the very first time and after they announced it on their platforms and immediately sold it out, they’re pressing another batch that you and the HHLL lovers in your life can and should snag before that pressing sells out, too!⁠ ⁠ What’s even more exciting is that I got to pick Robbie’s brain in typical VE fashion and he’s indulged me with all sorts of info about what they’re up to, whether or not we can expect new music, and some feel-good stories about huffing air duster and ripping shit up in an old warehouse on the California coast. Here it is in its unedited glory, but first…head to the website to pre-order your copy and then head to Robbie’s Indiegogo campaign to learn more about his upcoming short firm that’s scored by Nick from Tera Melos! ⁠https://deathwishinc.com/products/heavy-heavy-low-low-courtside-seats https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/morning-deliveries-short-film#/

INTERVIEW

First and foremost, it’s been a minute since we’ve heard from Heavy Heavy Low Low and then out of nowhere you sprang back to life in 2019. What motivated you all to pick up this project again? I’m not sure what motivated it. We had always been trying to jumpstart the whole thing again for some time and I think that it might have been a case of everyone’s lives slowing down and examining that time with a weird reverence. I can only speak for myself. The boys are all in school or doing their own thing.

I imagine you’ve all been working on different projects since HHLL went on hiatus. Do you have anything that you or the rest of the band have worked on that you’d love us to know about? Danny has gotten pretty popular in the Kendama world. Chris is studying various forms of martial arts. Roo is endlessly going to school and currently scoring independent films. Chip is heavily involved in competitive fishing. I’ve been making short films when the situation and my wallet allow it. We’re all crazy excited about finally owning Courtside Seats on vinyl for the first time. Aside from bringing that album onto the vinyl medium, the pre-order page notes that there’s new artwork, too. What can we expect from that? When we made the CD we weren’t expecting to sell any really.. I did the art and Matthew printed them all at his job. Him and I folded every crease, glued the o-cards and vacuum sealed them all. I think it sold out almost completely at the record release show. We made the same amount of records as we did the original cd (500). The artwork for the original CD pressing was done on sketch paper without any comprehension of what could be done with drawn art and a scanner. Matthew was the computer wizard and back then, young and silly, it was all done on the cuff. The new art is a bit more modern and plays with mortality. Court-side Seats to The Greatest Fuck of All Time being a front seat view of a an ordinary, bumpy ride through life. I’m proud of it. What’s it like to bring back an album from the earliest parts of the band’s career? Do you still identify with the music? It is odd. It was a truly surreal time and place. We were out of our fucking minds. We recorded it in Mountain View, Ca in this giant warehouse that tapered into gutted office spaces. It was a weird white collar tomb on the outskirts of Silicon Valley right before the real tech boom. In the big part of the warehouse where we’d enter there were giant mounds of clothes meant to be donated to some third world country. We’d burrow tunnels in them and do huge dramatic flips from pike to pile. There was an aisle of outdated medical equipment waiting to be sent that we’d stalk through in the dark. It was a strangely magic place. Once you got through the warehouse you’d get to these office stations that had been fashioned into recording studios and that’s where we birthed this thing. We were so misguided. The amount of compressed air that we inhaled should have killed us. I contribute a significant drop in IQ to that shit. Smoking copious amounts of weed from gravity bongs. Recording with a hip hop producer, Deegan. Never a disagreement. It still feels like it was some strange purgatory of youth. I don’t miss it, but it was beautiful. Does this mean there’s hope of having Everything’s Watched, Everyone’s Watching on vinyl sometime, too? So, there was a guy who was very adamant about putting that record out on vinyl. We had a dialogue going for the better part of a year and apparently he had been in contact with Rhino Music and Warner, the two companies that hold the licensing to that album. He had received word that it’d cost an impressive amount of money, but he still wanted to shoulder it. Mind you, this dude didn’t have a label, he just wanted to put this thing out and apparently hadnt thought that all out. Time goes by, I’m waiting, not worrying one way or the other. One day I get a link from a friend, a Christian college website detailing that dude had been arrested for kidnapping and assault. Very sad situation. Dude seemed semi normal. Anyway, that was the last effort I’d seen put into that. I’d love to contribute new art to that release if any go-getter wants to try their luck. I’ve loved everything HHLL put out, but Turtle Nipple is in my top 10 list of favorite albums of all time. What was the writing the recording process for it like and how did the band feel about the new creative directions on it? EWEW was half previously recorded material re-recorded and half material written a year prior, kind of forced into a studio with producers we had no previous rapport with. Those producers/engineers were incredible human beings (RIP Tom Pfaffle! See you in the mindfog) but we were very young punk kids thrown into a foreign land where we had our agents visiting and there were platinum records on the wall and it was a total barrage of privilege and excess. It was beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel soul in that record. Turtle Nipple is a dense trip through time and the record I’m most proud of in our discography. I don’t remember how long we had to record it, I do remember that it was the only time we’d been given to experiment and layer our sensibilities in an environment that catered to them. Sam (Pura) was a perfect conduit to that vibe and time and space and it really came out just how it should have. I think about that album as a 70s exploitation directors filmography.. it veers violently from genre to genre and while most of the stories are fiction and far from personal testimony, theirs a peek into some shared insanity contained throughout. George Cosmatos wandering through a punk club on an edible. I think that that album is our bands true personality. Sam is a member of our band whether he’s playing with us or engineering for us. He gets us. I love the idea of an alternate reality where we had lasted a bit longer and did an album with Steve Albini. He’d probably hate us, but I love those ‘What If?’ Scenarios. I’ll ask the question EVERYONE has been asking so it’s on the record somewhere: Does this mean we can expect new material or a new album soon? Maybe even a tour? We have a new EP in the works. We have some of it recorded with Sam. We’ve posted a couple clips on Instagram. We’re incredibly busy and spread out in our personal lives. Chip in TX, Dan in FL, Roo in OR, Rob and Chris in CA. Adulthood is a bitter, pulpy drink! We are going to be playing again. We won’t be leaving the West Coast. We had our fill of middle America and the travel involved. We have talked to some of our buds from our early days of touring about playing alongside (opening for) them for a limited run in 2020. I think that qualifies as a tour. Also, if anyone wants to fly us to Europe to play a festival in 2020, we’d like that. It’ll be an interesting year. How does it feel to be welcomed back by so many adoring fans who still love your music and are hoping for more after a long hiatus? It’s incredibly humbling. I have heard from people throughout the years about how we had affected them and it was always just strange to me. I’m pretty self deprecating, so I just don’t understand how some shit I wrote could mean much to anyone. My mind is just a shotgun blast of panic. I guess all of ours are? I love my band mates and their talents, though. So I understand the sorta sirens draw to the greater extent. I think they only got to show themselves slightly, too. Weird existence. Give us a piece of band trivia you’ve never shared in an interview before! Gees. There is a step-in part to most 15 passenger vans. It is a black, hard plastic. It meets with where you close the sliding door. When we had no bottles to pee in, we would just piss in ‘the step’. This thing was a den of germicidal activity. Trash and piss I don’t think we ever truly cleaned that thing. What’s odd is that we so rarely got ill on tour. The Step kept us healthy on a steady diet of trash and piss and general scum. Finally, this isn’t a question but the hidden track on Turtle Nipple is a fucking masterpiece and I wanted you to know. Thank you! I think that may have been my idea to add some weird 70s funk into an old track of ours. I think it turned out cool, but I think it betrays our vibe on that album! I wish it’d have devolved into some weird, primitive Altered States shit.

#heavyheavylowlow #hhll #deathwish #vinylrecords #vinylcollectionpost #metal #nowplaying #vinyls #recordcollector #vinyladdict #vinyligclub #vinylcollective #vinylexams

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thatsadorbsyo · 5 years

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Heads up: This post is me journaling some thoughts, not an attempt to start a Discourse-style conversation. I’m beyond disinterested in discoursing with roleplay tumblr about the nuanced subject of performing masculinity.

I saw the start of a conversation today about gay male characters “piloted by fujoshi girls who just want to fulfill a boylove fetish” and my soul sorta exited my body for a moment, but it also brought up some Stuff that’s been simmering under the surface for me ever since I made the return to playing male characters.

I put a lot of hard work into authenticity when it comes to writing my characters, whoever they happen to be, and it doesn’t always come easy for me. Masculinity is a particularly finnicky subject for me, when it comes to how I like to portray it, how I like to see it portrayed, and what makes me want to roleplay with a male character. Part of that is because, like a lot of people, I’ve been severely harmed by the real world consequences of how my culture frames masculinity. Part of that is because, as a nonbinary person, I struggle to reconcile the parts of me that I want to connect with masculinity, the ways I want to connect with it, and the harmful things about it that I’ve picked up through cultural osmosis.

Authenticity can mean a lot of things, and picking out what that means to me in a roleplaying context can be extremely ill-defined and arbitrary. I know a male character that “feels” authentic to me when I see one. Sometimes they’re written by people who aren’t men. Sometimes male characters written by men feel extremely inauthentic too, but that’s usually because they’re relying too heavily on tropes and aesthetic to drive their roleplay and less on making a character with real and dynamic motivations and behavior, but whatever, whatever.

I will say that a lot of people miss the mark for me, going both ways (women who write male characters, and men who write female characters), but so fucking what? Not everybody has to meet my arbitrary standards of what makes a believable character. Not everybody has to play by my rules of fun.

While it’s true that there’s a lot to be said about how gay men are fetishized by straight women and how gay women are fetishized by straight men, I find it hard to care too much when I see it happening in RP, because I’ve lived long enough and I’ve been roleplaying long enough to realize that a pretty large percentage of the people playing across gender are Figuring Out Some Gender Shit, whether they realize it yet or not. And while, yeah, there’s still gonna be a chunk of people who just wanna objectify something and get off to it, I wanna leave space for people to figure themselves out, whether I think they’re doing it well or not.

We can talk until we’re blue in the face about IC/OOC separation, but there’s a lot of me in all of my characters. Even if that separation veneer is necessary for me to enjoy the experience of RP, most of my characters still wear massive shards of me in them, my personality quirks, my fears, my desires, things that I struggle with, things that I want to be (or things that I specifically don’t want to be). I think that’s true for most of us. So how I construct masculinity in my characters is often pretty deeply tied to my own fucking hangups.

(This next part gets personal. If you’d rather not know the ways that my characters reflect me, the real puppeteer, skip it.)

It’s personally important to me to reflect a lot of real-world authenticity of how masculinity is constructed in my characters, but what it means to be “authentically” masculine, specifically queer masculine, is heavily informed by so many variables like social and political culture, geographic region, religion, sexuality, race, socioeconomic status, etc. etc. that it can feel impossible to know where to start. I have my own experiences with it. I draw on the experiences of queer guys that I’ve known, I draw on media created by queer male creators (movies, musicians, writers, poets). I try to draw less from stuff like TV shows because those tend to be written by an ensemble that may or may not contain anyone who knows what they’re doing and are almost definitely pandering to a lower common denominator than, say, a musician who is branding themselves and their personal experiences. I draw on what feels right in my heart, a pastiche of all of the above.

Most of the things I draw on are things that have specifically spoken to me, as a nonbinary person, as types of masculinity that I want to embody, or that I feel like I can relate to personally. Things I struggle with myself.

Makoto has a very specific idea of what a guy is supposed to be--an idea that is informed by his profession, his place in the world, the people who help shaped him as a person while growing up--and it’s sometimes at odds with how his gut wants to react to things. Makoto is comfortable with his sexuality as someone who is attracted to both men and women, but not always comfortable with how he wants to express it, or what his specific sexual desires are, because they go against some of the ways he thinks he’s supposed to act and carry himself. When he meets someone who doesn’t adhere to his idea of what a guy is supposed to be like, or when he feels a desire for something he thinks he isn’t supposed to want, that rocks him, and it’s evident. He’s working through some shit. A lot of it is conveniently shit that I, the player, need to work through myself.

The performance aspect of machismo is very front and center when I play him, because that’s what feels authentic to me. If machismo is a performance, what’s underneath? I think that’s the crux of why I find Makoto interesting to play. Makoto is a colossal fuckup who coasts on the performance he’s been taught, and what happens in private RP when that performance cracks has been the most compelling stuff about him that I’ve written.

As a person who often struggles with wanting to be seen as more masculine than they often are, these are things I think about a lot! The performance, how you come off to others as a signalling method vs what you actually feel and want. I work to carry myself differently in public, to make people question what they think they know about me. Does this actually make me a different person? Does it really matter? Fuck, dude, I don’t know! I don’t know!! Is it authentic? What’s that even mean? I’m sure there are a lot of more well-informed people who have talked about all of this shit ad nauseum but it would probably be inaccessible to me anyway, and this is my fucking blog so whatever.

Above everything else, I look for nuance. If I see a portrayal that has nuance, I’m likely to be drawn to that character and maybe also their player. It doesn’t matter what you’re playing, it doesn’t matter who you are in the ~real world~, if I think your character has shades of grey to how they perform their gender and what their gender means to them (consciously or not, not every character actually thinks about that stuff, but it can still come off in the portrayal), how it has shaped the way they navigate the world, if I can clearly see the thought that went into that, I don’t fucking care who you are or what you get off to.

Sorry about the word dump. I just needed to sort my thoughts on some of this stuff, and journaling is the most effective way for me to do that. I, uh, would prefer not to see reblogs of this? (See above re: not a Discourse) but if you want to talk to me about anything I’ve said, I’m open to it.

#personal post

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asexual-society · 7 years

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Aspec & Arospec YouTube List Part 2!

Apparently there are a lot more ace youtubers that I missed on the last list…

The descriptions for each channel are pretty much just copied and pasted from their channel descriptions. Unless they didn’t have a description, in which case I just wrote ‘vlogger’.

Please note: All the content of the channels below may or may not reflect the views or opinions of this blog or it’s moderators. Nor is all of it safe for work or free of problematic elements. Please use your own discretion.

Note 2: If your favorite youtuber is not on this list, feel free to add on!

Enjoy!

Aaron Ansuini: A trans ace vlogger who talks about both asexuality, being trans, video games, art, and motivation; Twitter

Abbie Wells: Aspec singer, actress, and vlogger; Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram

Aced It!: We are just a handful of Ace/Aro YouTubers who wanted to make a community to chat! Hang out let’s talk! ; instagram

Ace Ideas: We are a diverse group of asexuals here to share our knowledge, experiences, passions, hobbies, and stories surrounding our asexuality.; Facebook, tumblr, twitter

Aceland Alexander Kent: Transgender-Male, Homoromantic, Aceflux-Asexual musician and vlogger. He used to run the queer information channel, Questions and Queeries ; Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, BandCamp

Ahsante the Artist: Artist, Storyteller, Harvard 2015. A place for educated discussion, spirited lifestyle, cultural critique, creative reflection, and the silly goings on in the life and mind of Ahsante; website, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Portfolio website, Patreon

Androigynous: Hey guys! Andie here. Your resident cat girl. You’ll find gameplay, art, unboxings and feline vlogs! There’s something for everyone. ✨; instagram, facebook

Antastesia: A French asexual feminism/lifestyle/travel/vegan vlogger; Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, professional website

Anthony Pero: Posting funny videos and skits with the purpose of making people laugh. I like to focus on anything from serious topics like depression to goofier subjects like my Facebook newsfeed. My channel also consists of parodies of people I know, things I see, or random events that I think need to be spoofed; Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

ArtByFlan: Sometimes I draw things. Sometimes I record myself drawing things. Sometimes I post videos of myself drawing things here!; tumblr, deviantart, facebook, twitter

Asexualise My Asexual Life: Asexualise Your Asexual Life: Empower And Enhance Your Asexual Life. Giving Asexuals a voice in the world. It is my mission to give asexuals a voice in the world; to empower other asexuals to be comfortable and confident with their asexuality; and to give insight into my colourful asexual life, to enable others to better understand their own and to know they are not alone. I want to educate others about asexuality, so that in the future, all asexuals can live in society happily.; twitter, facebook

Autistic Asexual fangirl Adventures: just a vlog page, random ramblings and adventures of a autistic asexual and geek who wants to try and make the word a better place.; twitter

BaptismOnFire: My name is Jack, I love horror and all things creepy. Here you’ll find videos about nightmares, monsters, creepypasta and generally spooky things! Remember to watch the skies, stay paranoid and trust no one…; Twitter, Tumblr, DeviantArt

Blue Phoenix Ace: American ace education vlogger. My goal is to educate people about Aromanticism and Asexuality, because maybe it will help someone learn the truth about themselves before they hit the age of 37!; music channel, Website, Soundcloud, Facebook

BreakfastAlexis: An asexual artist who creates animatics; tumblr, twitter, redbubble

Brian Langevin: Occasional videos discussing asexuality and life in general! This channel also hosts an archive of Everything’s A-Okay - a project Brian Langevin started alongside the project’s writer, Amy Liang, to bring greater visibility to asexuality; Twitter

Channel for Positivity l Understanding l Justice: Demisexual Korean-American motivational vlogger. Stay woke. See BOTH Sides. Social Justice. Bite-Sized Politics. Build more POSITIVITY :D Pragmatic Utopian. Diversity. Understand Humans & Relationships. Embrace Progress.; twitter, tumblr

Christi Kerr: This channel is a mix of whatever I like to do, which mainly includes vlogging but could include any number of things; Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, SnapChat, Instagram

Christine Sydelko: The youtube channel of vine-star/popular internet comedian and her boyfriend; Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat

Clara Unleashed: Denmark based asexual/biromanic vlogger. They also run the aspec focused youtube channel, My Ace Experience ; Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr

Cultlleader: Asexual Vlogger; Instagram, twitter

curlybobofelia: UK based asexuality Awareness, LGBTQ, Mental Health Awareness, Disability Rights, Child Rights & Anti-bullying Advocate vlogger; Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram

Dylan Tyler: I’m Dylan, and I suck at writing the intro things, so let’s just eat a lot of popcorn together and do an unhealthy amount of binge watching. Subscribing makes it easier to find me when you’re up for binging :) ; instagram, twitter

ElectraSnow: Demisexual artist, makeup artist, and special effects makeup expert: Twitter, Etsy, Tumblr, Facebook

Elisa Hansen/Maven of the Eventide: Voraciously vivacious Vampire Reviews. The Maven peers into the realms of the creatures of the night for a humorous analysis of vampires in media and pop culture; Twitter, Facebook

Embly: 18 years old, also the cutest small potato in the neighbourhood, wine mum, also very salty and nostalgic over a jam sandwich she lost over 2 years ago; Twitter, Instagram

Estelle Z: Music, vlogs, scrapbooks, and whatever else I happen to fancy; Tumblr, Twitter, Soundcloud, Facebook, Patreon, Gumroad

happy fish: Autistic, mentally ill, queer, nonbinary person vlogging about my life and trying to pretend I know how to function as an adult.; etsy, tumblr

Heroic Pages: Canadian, lover of books, films and imagination…and also a huge nerd!! Critter! Very much an unapologetic introvert (INTJ) ACE hermit cat lady den mother!; twitter, instagram, goodreads

JakeMale TV: I do Comedy sketch videos but also Vlogs! I share my life experiences with you so you can laugh at my mistakes. I have funny moments in my life, come and join me living my life. Click on ‘SUBSCRIBE’ to be told when I upload a new video! I advice it, MY LIFE IS WEIRD! I also do a University Advice series!; twitter, facebook, vimeo

Jeff Miller: Demiromantic/demisexual transmasculine musician, actor, and all around content creator; Patreon, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr

janeil darnell: An aroace vlogger; twitter

jennaclarek: Heteroromantic asexual. I just graduated college with a BS degree (get it) in Audio/Video Production. I’m also obsessed with Taylor Swift, strawberry cake, and musicals. I mostly make videos about books, but I also make videos about my life, my faith, and the other things I enjoy!; goodreads, twitter, tumblr, instagram, bandcamp

Jourdann: A channel that’s all about ships (the tv kind), college life, and artsy videos; Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram

kaihugstrees: Non-binary asexual. I make videos every week about my life, from travel vlogs and challenges to videos about mental health, disability, and queer topics; Twitter, Tumblr

Kelly McCraw: Akoiromantic Asexual vlogger

Marshall John Blount: Just an Ace guy trying to make it through life…This vlog will be about my everyday life and Asexual awareness…..I hope y'all will tag along on this interesting journey with me 💜💜

marsisnotcreative: Brazilian vlogger. Does covers of songs, videos chatting about stuff i enjoy, giving opinions, rants about some things that bother me, pseudo-artsy videos; twitter, tumblr, instagram

megathornberryy: Aspec book reviewer and vlogger; Goodreads, Twitter, Instagram

Milo Stewart: My name is Milo and my pronouns are they/them. Gender confused college kid named “YouTube’s most controversial trans vlogger” by The Daily Dot; Twitter, Instagram

Mikey Neumann (of Chainsawsuit Original): Ace president of Chainsaw Original and film critic ; Twitter, Website

moonchild: My channel covers a large variety of topics and genres, some of which include asexuality, body modifications, mental health, with the occasional story time or rant video thrown in; Tumblr

Overlysarcasticproductions: Sarcastic, yet informative, summaries of classic and not-so-classic literature and mythology, as well as major historical events! (Red has stated that she is asexual); threadless, cafepress, twitter

Peach The College Girl’s Vlog: Asexual Biromantic gaming channel ;twitter, twitch, snapchat

Phoebe Saturn : i make youtube videos as a hobby and hopefully have a positive impact on your day :] ; twitter

ppusherr: Gender, Sexuality, and Social Issues solved with Positivity and Education; Tumblr

punkygirlontherock: Asexual Canadian vlogger

Ricky Dillon: American YouTube personality and singer-songwriter; Book website, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Spotify

Sally Le Page: Grey-ace UK vlogger. Aims to bring science further into popular culture by making science videos that make you laugh, make you feel and make you think; Website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Flickr

sara elizabeth: Demisexual American make-up vlogger. i’m sara and i’m sorta obsessed with makeup and musicals; twitter, instagram

Sebastian Columbine: A horror and surrealist, filmmaker and artist in Los Angeles, California. This youtube channel surrounds Sebastian’s unique style, both in terms of fashion and beauty, as well as their lifestyle and artistic endeavors; Professional blog/website, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Patreon

skellydun: life is an experience. here are some of mine; Tumblr

SixFootNerd: British, six foot and a total nerd! Just someone talking about Movie/Tv News, Events, Reviews and Discussions; Twitter, Tumblr

Sophie Foster: Demisexual/biromantic fashion, makeup, and lifestyle vlogger from the UK; Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram

SoulOfEbony: I wanna scribble cartoons for a living and make people smile.; tumblr, twitter

Taye Nic: I’m just an 20 year old college student who is trying to live for the first time:) Lol, I just got into makeup! I also love making things, broadway, Disney, my boho chic style lol and NYC more than anything else! I also love to make friends so stop by; twitter, instagram, pinterest

The Asexual Goddess: Ace and in your face. I’m actually an introvert so i don’t know how that works

TheGothicAlice: Asexual Aromantic artist, Manic Panic dyehard, horror junkie, cynic, and part time model; facebook, Etsy, Tumblr

TheMysteriousMrEnter: Asexual/Aromantic animation reviewer; DeviantArt, Tumblr, Twitter, TvTropes, Facebook,

Vivi Addams: Feel free to hang around for a while, watch some Lego animations, hopefully subscribe… Enjoy!; Tumblr, Twitter

#asexual #masterpost #aaw2017 #asexual awareness week #youtube #ace representation #aspec #arospec #list #grey asexual #aromantic #demisexual #youtubers #video #mod britt #long post

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thecorteztwins · 7 years

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September 10 was National Suicide Prevention Day. I didn’t know that (though oddly did talk about the subject briefly with my dad) so today I thought I’d write down what, in my experience, are effective things to say to someone thinking of ending their life, and what aren’t. I emphasize that this is just in my experience as a frequently suicidal person and someone who has talked to others who are as well. But it’s doubtlessly NOT universal, people are different. Also, this is long, and obviously talks about some dark things and personal experiences. I don’t want a bunch of people telling me I’m strong or they’re glad I’m alive, I really don’t, I’d just like you to hopefully take away something helpful to yourself or other people.

So, here’s what, to me, DOESN’T work:

- “It will get better.” You can’t guarantee the future. And whoever you’re talking to not only knows this, they probably don’t have the capacity right now to make themselves believe otherwise. Sure, it might get better. It might not, it might get worse. Or it might take a long time. A lot of people are suicidal not because they want to die, but because they want to escape something in their lives, be it mental illness or an external cause. Unless an actual end is in sight to whatever is hurting them, just telling them “well it will get better” sounds like bullshit placebo lie to anyone. Unless you can answer “how” and “when” I’d consider saying something else.

Here’s what I said to a friend: “It can get better.” I was very specific with them. I told them that for me I was able to get “better” through years of therapy, medication, and being lucky enough to have a strong support network. So I gave them a “how”, it didn’t just magically happen. I was also clear that “better” doesn’t mean “cured”, that I still have bad days and I probably always will, but they’re less frequent now, and that in between them I am able to do fun things that I wasn’t able to do before. Telling a person with clinical depression that “actually you’ll never be cured” seems counterintuitively pessimistic, but I find that honesty makes a person a lot more inclined to listen than if you just paint a rosy but unattainable picture.

Also, note that I gave them motivation to get help and stick with it; by hearing my story that of what worked for my similar issues, they’re more inclined to give these things a try (seeking help is often difficult with depression because it’s hard to do anything and you’ve just given up on everything, including the idea anything can help, and it’s easy to get discouraged when something doesn’t immediately work) If I just told them “it gets better” but then no explanation for what to do to facilitate that, it’s unlikely they’d just wake up one day cured. Time can make it better, but only if you’re getting help in that time; otherwise, I’d say it probably makes it worse.

- “People care about you.” I hate this one. Firstly, it implies your life is beholden to other people. One of the things that made me angriest when I was actively self-harming and suicidal was the idea that I wasn’t even allowed to do what I wanted with my own life/body. It felt like people were trying to tether or guilt me into doing something with my very existence (living) that I didn’t want to, and it made me really mad. Secondly, it implies that your life is only of value because other people value it. What about people who DON’T have anyone who cares about them? Those people do exist. There are also lots of suicidal people who BELIEVE that no one cares about them, and a lot of times, they’re not going to believe it when you tell them otherwise. Thirdly, plenty of depressed people know that others care about them, but are convinced that their loved ones will be better off without them. This is frequently the case for me. My mentality is frequently that even though my family loves me and would be sad, it’d really be so much better for them for me not be around.

I don’t really know how to phrase this one better. I’d say be supportive and clear you care about a person, but not to give that as a reason the person should live. Of course, then again, this is EXACTLY the reason that some people are looking for, and it might be totally right to say. So I guess this bullet wasn’t that helpful. - Also for GOD'S sakes don't start telling them how other people have it worse, YOU WILL JUST MAKE US FEEL SHITTIER

So, here’s what DOES work in my own experience

- “It CAN get better” See above. I’d also emphasize that progress is not linear, you’re going to relapse, possibly really badly. This is normal. You’re not a failure. It doesn’t mean you should give up. Also, something I told someone whose depression came from trauma rather than chemical (like mine) is that if you’ve been hurt your entire life, you can’t expect to be totally healed in a couple of years. They had been abused by a family member for a long time and have now been away from that family member for a year or two, and felt bad they were still so messed up. There’s not a timer on recovery. You’re not a cake that gets put in the oven and done at a certain time. Obviously you should be trying and taking care of yourself (not out of a moral obligation, but because you are worth it) but be nice to yourself about it. That’s what I told them, and they seemed to respond really well, so that’s what I recommend telling people.

- “It’s a really big decision, so make it only when your brain is in the right place for that kind of decision.” Again, I realize how counter-intuitive this seems to say to someone who wants to end their life. But I found it effective, and so did a friend I relayed it too. Basically, we both know our brains are fucked up and want to kill us. So pointing out that, hey, if you’re in a really bad mental place right now, you might not be at your best capacity for rational thought even if this seems like the most sensible thing in the world. It doesn’t say you can’t or shouldn’t, it doesn’t try to guilt you or coerce you, it just says “hey here’s a really good reason, which you know from experience to be true, to wait and think about it later.” Now, this does mean that they may wait and think about it later and still do it. But I personally believe that is a person’s right. At least this way, they were probably really sure. I know that’s a weird way of looking at it, but I guess that comes from being someone to whom this frequently does seem to be the most rational and desirable path.

- “You might mess it up, and then things will get even worse.” Basically, there’s a LOT that can go wrong in a suicide, and the after-effects can be HORRIBLE. If you botch it, all your problems are about to get that much worse---hospital bills, disability, brain damage, and dealing with people in the aftermath. What’s more, the most effective ways are rarely the most painless ways. The options suck in my opinion, based on the research that I’ve done while looking for ways to end my life. And if I can’t have a sure thing, I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to risk any of the alternatives happening.

This may seem like a crappy reason to live, but for a person who feels they have no other reason, it can be pretty effective, especially with the promise things could be worse. So, once they’re resigned to the fact “well I guess I have to live, since dying is apparently so hard” then it’s a good time to point out to them that as long as they’re gonna be alive anyway, getting some help would be a good idea. Cuz like, if you’re gonna live, you don’t wanna be miserable, right? That’s why you wanted to die in the first place. Maybe once they have a little more energy from said help, they can take up a hobby, get really good at something, have some kind of accomplishments to be proud of or do something they feel contributes. I know for me, I feel bad about my writing and drawing a lot because it’s not very good, so I frequently don’t try with it, but when I decided “well I guess I’m too chicken to kill myself cuz what if it doesn’t work” I was like, okay, well, I don’t want to get to 50 and still be shit at these things, I should start practicing some more. They’re crap now but to quote Jake from Adventure Time: “Suckin’ at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something.”

So, anyway, I hope this was helpful, and I’m sorry if it was upsetting/TMI to anybody.

#out of cortez #suicide prevention #tw: suicide #suicide for ts

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ghoulstars · 7 years

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ok ive been tagged a lot over the past like month and i havent done like any of the tags because im a horrible procrastinator but ive gotten tagged in this specific thing 3 times today so im properly motivated to actually do it in a timely manner LOL here we go

Rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. drink: water that im slightly skeptical of 2. phone call: my friend Robi 3. text message: @shelteringskyy ??? i think?? yes probably 4. song you listened to: the fool by dead soul 5. time you cried: i think last month 6. dated someone twice: ive never dated anyone ever LOL 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yeah probably 8. been cheated on: nope 9. lost someone special: i think so 10. been depressed: in certain contexts yes 11. gotten drunk: once and never again LMAO

THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. purple 13. bronze 14. brown

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: yes and i love them ALL DEARLY and i re-iterate the sentiment THANKS GHOST LMAO 16. fallen out of love: maybe??? idk 17. laughed until you cried: YEP LMFAO 18. found out someone was talking about you: sort of but this person also told me straight up she was gonna talk about me and it was all in good fun so LOL who cares 19. met someone who changed you: YEP. 20. found out who your friends are: yeah 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: no

GENERAL:

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: like basically almost all of them except like 6 or so ppl? 23. do you have any pets: YES!!! i have three cats and two dogs and i love them all so much!!! 24. do you want to change your name: no 25. what did you do on your last birthday: my last bday fell on the night of prom so like i got up, got my hair done and then went to prom that night LOL prom itself was sorta shitty but i got to hang out with my friends who were all gorgeous and i got to look hot too so like win/win 26. what time did you wake up: 10am then fell asleep and woke back up at 12:30-something 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: skyping @shelteringskyy ,'^) 28. name something you can’t wait for: halloweeeeeeeen 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: a couple hours ago maybe less 31. what are you listening to right now: vinny vinesauce playing some weird ass game and myself typing 32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i actually don't think so 33. something that is getting on your nerves: it being so sunny recently (i like clouds fight me), my sleep schedule getting FUCKED up and me struggling to fix it, mysterious bug bites, the lack of motivation to study that has been haunting me since 2 months ago 34. most visited website: probably tumblr, youtube and facebook tbh 35. hair colour: naturally im a fucking ashy dirty wishwater blonde and im fucking tired of it so now i dye my hair dark brown LOL ;_; @my body please hurry up and make my hair darker 36. long or short hair: mine is long 37. do you have a crush on someone: only fictional characters as of right now 38. what do you like about yourself: my ass, my unibrow and my stomach hair 39. piercings: i started out with four when i was younger, one in each cartilage (partially) then one in each ear lobe. the cartilage ones closed up to due lack of usage and my lobe piercings closed up a bit but just cleaning them out returned them to normal lol. early last year i got my partial-cartilage piercing redone as well as two additional holes making eight total but i was a fool and took out all my earrings over the course of prom and left them out too long and they ALL grew back over except my redone cartilage holes and my lobes -_- i plan to get one more additional hole in my ears to make up for this fucking travesty and i also want a nose piercing. 40. blood type: no idea mate LMAO 41. nickname: shebby, shebs, shelbs, shelbles, shelbilly, bee and im probably forgetting more tbh 42. relationship status: single and content 43. zodiac: aries, aquarius rising and sagittarius moon 44. pronouns: she/her/hers 45. favourite tv show: uhhh like........bobs burgers maybe???? twin peaks??? always sunny?????????? 46. tattoos: none but FUCK do i want a grucifix or a mother/daughter tattoo 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: none so far 50. sport: no 51. vacation: honestly ill go like nearly anywhere in the world, im not picky tbh take me over the ocean or just three hours away and i think ill be happy 52. pair of trainers: do converse count....also my moms fucked up ancient grungey tennis shoes she has that i love to wear

MORE GENERAL:

53. eating: nothing but dinner was steak, steak fries and some yeast rolls. might eat this smores poptart here in a second 54. drinking: nothing bc that water was Skeptical 55. i’m about to: either attempt to study or watch more youtube vids idk 56. waiting for: the rain that appears to be gathering in the sky and winter 57. want: papa 3 to never ever leave but also papa 4 to come and decimate us (and also possibly decimate papa 3), to not potentially have mono, to draw, to get our bulldog fixed so he can come inside, to stop being fucking squeamish when i study about internal organs 58. get married: no...nono 59. career: veterinary assistant if i can handle assisting in injection administration LMFAO or an artist 60. hugs or kisses: kisses 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: ehhhh im not picky so idc 63. older or younger: O L D E R LMAO DAMMIT PAPA 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 65. hook up or relationship: neither in real life 66. troublemaker or hesitant: depends on whats happening lmao

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: yes 68. drank hard liquor: NO LMAO ABSOLUTELY NOT 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: no 70. turned someone down: YEP. 71. sex on the first date: i have never been with anyone in real life ever so neither 72. broken someone’s heart: probably 73. had your heart broken: sort of?? 74. been arrested: no god LMAO 75. cried when someone died: well yeah 76. fallen for a friend: not really

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: depends 78. miracles: in some cases 79. love at first sight: only sort of. 80. Santa Claus: who the FUCK is santa claus 81. kiss on the first date: ...ehhh??? 82. angels: probably

OTHER:

84. eye colour: hazel 85. favourite movie: I HAVE TOO MANY OF THESE LMAO MY FAVORITE-FAVORITE FLUCTUATES A LOT AND IDK WHAT I WOULD SAY MY CURRENT FAV MOVIE IS....

anyway i tag @cloyterus and....i think everyone else i'd wanna tag has already been tagged or done this so here u go

#text #personal #tagged #long post ///

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ts-indonesia · 5 years

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Episode 7: “back on my bullshit™️” - Anabel

After the birthday murder, the cast merged into the Berbagi Bir merge tribe! In a fierce flag-making immunity challenge, Jess got the job done, and earned herself immunity for the round.

As most merge votes are... this round was mess. SO, Matt’s name was one of the earliest thrown out, as one of the quieter members of the tribe, but Matt’s strong social game earlier in the season meant he had allies (like Anabel & Olivia) who did not wanna see that happen.

Potential Vote #2 was Stoner, spearheaded by Anabel, which was leaked (Host Note: I forget who specifically leaked this... lets go with Chris O because one of the confessionals said so) somewhat shooting that plan down.

On an all-returnee call, the vote was settled on Lorelei, as the least connected and least threatening newbie... but... then people did some things. So.. Owen/Stoner decided that returnee kumbaya was no more, and plotted to secretly flip and send out Matt... But that plan relied on the nuCahaya newbie pair sticking to the plan. In fact Trent/Anabel, motivated by Trent’s closeness to Jess/nuCahaya and Anabel’s strong formed relationship with Matt, decided to in fact vote out Lorelei, turning on the newbies, and lying to Owen/Stoner that they were also flipping on NuCahaya.

At tribal, Anabel played her idol, assuming since she just turned on Chris O, he would leak that she had it, and five members of the tribe were blindsided by Lorelei’s exit, with Owen/Stoner vulnerable due to their failed flip...

OLIVIA

Well I wasted my idol and voted out my best friend

Just vote me out now

STONER

https://youtu.be/8YsRquIDBLc

LEIGH

So the vote went exaclty how Trent and Anabel thought it would lmao. I've played too many of these games with aggressive players, it makes me paranoid. Merge time now!

OWEN

I MADE MERGE AGAIN YEEHAW!!!!! The power that that has... I'm quaking honestly. I was completely surprised the other tribe voted Isaac, but in a way I'm relieved because it means I'm not the only one who turned on old Cahaya. I think those tribal lines are going to fade FAST going into this merge... The only worry I have is if they did Isaac because they thought he flipped on Foxx and they're on a witch hunt, but honestly, it's probably just that he was inactive?? Idk. Anabel must've done something to get back into their good graces? We'll see. I'M SO HAPPY THOUGH!! I get to reunite with Olivia and Jess which I LOVE. I just need to explain myself to them about Foxx and they can explain about Isaac and I'm praying it's okay. I really want to stay loyal to Olivia and Matt as long as I can... I also though want to make a group of me/Chris O/Leigh/Lorelei maybe because I truly like all of them and I feel like I have a great 1 on 1 bond with all three. I know that Chris/Leigh at least talk, but I don't have a read on how close Lorelei is with them? We'll see. And it would be nice to pull Jess in to the Matt/Olivia stuff. My problem now is that I'm spreading myself WAY too thin. I have some sort of trust built or at least like cordial conversation built with everyone left except for Michael. It's going to get real fucking messy for me from here on out and it's going to bite me in the ass sooner rather than later because there's a huge chance that, unless something shuffles around, I get caught between two sides and I can't let that expose me so soon. But for now I'm just gonna be social and relax and enjoy talking to these people, because I do really like them a lot.

LORELEI

I made it to merge 😭😭😭 I'm so happy and so proud of myself. I'm so thankful for my alliance with Trent, Chris o, leigh, Anabel and myself. I couldn't have made it here without them. And Owen too, I wouldn't have made it this far if he, Leigh and Chris hadn't managed to flip the vote and vote Foxx (legend) out. I hope I can make it even further!

MICHAEL

One world confessional https://youtu.be/KCz4Lma5f0c

Pre Merge confessional https://youtu.be/vbcNhFsJUVg

OLIVIA

Me: votes out Isaac Me: I wanna talk to ISAAC HE GETS ME Me: it was for the best Me: BRING ME FRIEND

Mmmmmmok so I voted out Isaac, very heartbreaking. I spent all day not doing my homework also.

But now we’ve merged. NuCahaya seems strong. Anabel is excited to work with us and we had a cute ten min call before the tribal and Trent sent a very nice message after, I appreciated that he acknowledged that was hard for me to do.

I wasted my idol, but I think I managed to convince everyone it was a one round only idol lmao. If no one was convinced then oh well. It was so weird like an anxiety monster just took over my body and was like “everyone hates you and if you don’t play your idol you’re OUT” So that’s cute

But anyways. Owen, Matt and I had a very joyous and cute reunion which is interesting since I sorta set owen up as this big ol mastermind with NuCahaya 👀 I painted him as a target for the Foxx vote but he said it was because foxx was throwing around stoner’s name. Stoner was barely around and just went for it apparently. So those three definitely still wanna do like an all veterans thing? (Owen, stoner, Matt). Aaaaand like Jess, Michael, Trent, and Anabel all think we’re a fivesome against Owen and his minions which isn’t exactly the case but may be. Sooooooooooo. Yeah. The fivesome is outnumbered, the veterans aren’t. However Michael and Jess are 100% pro NuCahaya, which I am too. But like I love my dudes too. This vote is gonna change everything because it’s all peaches and cream rn lol. And I’m sorta smack in the middle it feels like with my Owen and Matt alliance which no one knows about and the NuCahaya which I don’t think the veterans would suspect. But I think voting out Isaac safely secured Anabel and Trent with us. I just can’t voice my opinion too much on this vote and I’ve gotta just calm down and fade into the background. Hopefully for now I can keep the delicate balance and we can get Leigh out who isn’t really playing. Jess I told about my idol and she wasn’t too mad at me stupidly playing it I hope lmao. We’re trying to figure out this new idol system together.

I’m sorry Isaac, ily. I hope I can make cutting out my heart in this game worth it.

TRENT

So last night's vote was wild. The awesome foursome wanted to vote out isaac because Anabel is in it. But we needed to do it in a way that Olivia is on board, so we can use her as a number in the future. So we spent hours discussing the pros and cons, which was pointless because jess and michael were going to vote it anyway. Finally at like 8:45 Olivia agrees to vote Isaac. THEN i get a message from leigh and chris who are the infiltrators. They are freaking out because jess and michael won't confirm to vote isaac. They want to flip the vote on Olivia. Which makes no sense but they wanted to do a 3-3-1 tie and then get her out in the tie. Again makes no sense. I finally calm them down and tell them just to trust me and anabel will be safe. And of course at tribal, olivia plays her idol and i freak out thinking we got play, but thank goodness we didnt. Thank goodness we didn't listen to chris or leigh as well because that would have been super awkward to explain. Now we are at merge, and the Charlie alliance is back in business. Somehow we all survived. Even though we were split down the middle with anabel and I being in the minority of the other tribe. Both of our tribes got returnees out. No matter which way you look at it, im at a 6-5 disadvantage. 6 returnees 5 newbies, 6 new obor 5 new cahaya. I just need to survive this next vote and the I think i'll be golden for a little while. I'm hearing some whispering of targeting matt next, and that would be perfect because it gets me to 5-5.

OWEN

Holy shit I just found an idol thank GOD!!!! I’m gonna fuck some shit up with this !!! YEEEEEESSSSS. I’ve officially found one three seasons in a row hehe :’) the grind nvr stops am I right Idk who to tell tho I feel like I need to say something to someone but... Idk. Might be nice to keep to myself

OLIVIA

Real depressed I didn’t win the challenge, spent so long hand drawing it and put a lot of love into it bc I truly love all my tribemates but I know Jess did the same and hers looks cool too. Cannnnot believe I got second again I’ve literally gotten second like every single flag challenge I’ve done 🙄

I had fun drawing today at least, that was a nice change of pace and I’m personally happy with how it turned out so that’s good haha and I realized I’m not half bad I should draw more. I’m always so negative about what I do and think everything looks terrible so I never end up doing anything

I have no idea about this next vote, glad my bff won the challenge. I gotta lay low and make sure it ain’t me. 4 gays + finance manager Trent want Owen or one of his “squad” out. I’m going on call in my owen and Matt alliance tomorrow. Those two and stoner I’m sure wanna realign the veterans and get out a newbie. Maybe I can keep up the façade and direct both into getting out either Lorelei, Leigh, or Chris o (even tho, since getting to know them they’re all so sweet and cool but SOMEONE has to go)

So hopefully that happens. I’ll see what Owen and Matt say tomorrow. As for Chris stoner, who knows 🤷‍♀️

OWEN

i was telling my roommates that I was stressed about this game bc i feel close to too many people and i said im just gonna randomize and the top five ppl on the list ill screw over..... guess whose name was on top? MATT. :o which is a little fitting bc i think it might come down to matt vs leigh tonight. idk it's been SO FUCKING quiet today it's really scaring me. i talked to jess and brought up that i thought matt or leigh will be the targets. she's so freaking sketchy to talk to bc she doesnt want to commit to ANYTHING. like...girl, u got the immunity??? be brave??? speak ur mind???????????????????? but she seemed to be tossing around the idea of doing matt... here's my deal. i love olivia and i even like matt a lot, and I like the torchsnuffers. but rn it seems weaker to move forward with them??? bc i love my bonds with chris o and lorelei.... and stoner of course. basically im in a middle of two sides and the most unanimous I can get rn, the fucking better!1!11 but I dont want to hurt olivia rn... :( GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! this is just all a tangled mess and I dont want to get caught in it too deep but i already AM!!!! if we were zoobeenee this never wouldve happened.... will it be leigh? will it be matt? will it be me?????? not sure. the only thing i know is after tribal tonight im gettin fuckin drunk!

JESS

I GOT IMMUNITY WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU JUDGES <3

MATT

bITCHES Be CONSPIRING AGAINSt ME!!

ANABEL

https://youtu.be/nYZxeLs1hY0

well. maybe the bitches. don’t. wanna. vote. stoner.

OWEN

Duck I am so stressed now The six returnees all called and decided on Lorelei. I’m ducking s reading I wish they decided anabel or something Idk . God dang it..... I don’t want to lose lorelei when she’s been so nice to me and I already saved her on the foxx vote. So I could do two things.... I could vote for Matt with stoner and chris/Leigh/Lorelei and hope that Trent or anabel do too. Then Lorelei is safe but I burn a bridge with olivia and jess which would suck and then I’m giving anabel and Trent a lot of power. I could give Lorelei my idol and tell her to play it on herself and then vote for her to try to save face with the vets but then like what if she tells them I gave it to her or they think I told her to use it.... and also matt would still be gone :( so Idk ughhh and then if that’s the case how to I explain to chris and Leigh why I voted her ???? I want stoner and I to maybe split our vote and then see what Trent an anabel do... idk I can’t decide but omg Trent is calling me. I could also just vote Lorelei and ride it iur

OLIVIA

Truly sorry for my lack of confessionals! Busy day. So I’m pretty confident it’s lorelei but for all we know it could be me! I’m finding myself not as stressed out because I don’t think I’ll EVER be as stressed out as I was with the Isaac vote so even if it’s me, not saying I’ll not be sad, but I’m more at peace. I’ve been on so many calls today jfc. Jess really finessed the hell outta this one with her insanely cool trick to get anabel and Trent to vote Lorelei that was awesome. If I have time later tonight I’ll explain more of what went down today later but until then? Sayonara!

The Isaac vote like changed me as a player it’s wild. I’ve never voted out my closest friend in a game and now I have and like lived through it like I’m?? Ok? Like it was so horrible but it was like digging a bullet out of my heart. It sounds so weird but like it opened up my ability to play without being like insane stressball and hopefully I can carry this through the game. It probably doesn’t make sense but yeah 😂

JESS

I'm tired of sitting around letting games slip through my fingers. This round I have immunity so why not crack a bit? I want that OTT baby! This round is going to be complicated. I don't want Matt to go whatsoever. What a plot twist from the begging of the season? I see no benefit of taking out someone who I believe will be in my corner in this game for a bit? I've compromised enough the last round with taking out Isaac for Trent/Anabel... THIS ROUND IS FOR ME! So I decided to be a rat ass bitch and tell Matt his name was going around. Will this fuck me over next round? Absolutely. Do I care? A lot. Will I regret taking out someone who I see has no benefit to me? NOPE. The way Lorelei and Chris O went about this round rubbed me the wrong way. Chris let me know Matt's name was going around but refused to give me ANY of the details. That just proves to me he does not trust me one bit. Lorelei straight up lied to me so homegirl NEEDS TO GO. Anabel had some genius plan on getting Stoner out (YASSSSSSS). But she didn't listen to me... and told Chris O aka: basically telling Stoner. It obviously got back to Stoner which caused chaos. However, it proved to me that sooo many people are close and exposed relationships. I was able to convince Anabel/Trent to do Lorelei which I hope will work? I don't know. All I know if Lorelei dies in this game I'll be happy. There's only room for one girl from Montréal here :$

OWEN

I have to just make a decision and move forward. After talking to Trent, I think I've decided to do Matt tonight. I feel confident that Trent could be an ally for me. Stoner, Chris O, and Lorelei are all really solid alliances to me right now as well, more than I feel with Michael. I know I'm burning Jess and Olivia and I don't really know what to say to them after. I'm feeling guilty as fuck right now, I wish I didnt put myself in this position. But it's a game, and for me right now, Lorelei is someone I want to go really far with. If they had picked Anabel maybe it would be a different story... Idk. This could still blow up in my face and send me out and honestly??? I'm so exhausted from the last 10 hours i prob wouldnt mind mmmmm ive finally fucking snappt and it's time to follow thru the crazy xo

OLIVIA

Listen, could I technically go to tribal? Yeah but after the damage my anxiety did to me at the last one imma just sit back and let the texts roll in while I do tranquility dot to do puzzles

#whenyourfiresout

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