#maybe one day i'll draw something else that's worth going on this blog

[maenara]

I am so normal about them that I spent the last hour and a half doing these sketches instead of sleeping :) They are probably both horrible to talk to, for very different reasons (and I love them for that).

[tanicus-caesareth]

guarana drama, damage control

[therabbitsmuse]

10

I really need to buckle down and get a part-time contract role for next year. Summer's basically over and I got almost nowhere with my portfolio. This past week would've been the perfect opportunity to knock that shit out because everyone was on vacation but it was like I got hit with a dose of inattention and apathy. I need to stop dragging this shit out because it's only going to get worse the longer I put it off.

I finally started drawing in my sketchbook again! They're really just basic doodles with no meaning or rhyme to them but I loved it. There wasn't this usual pressure I put on myself to have to 'improve' or create something 'worthwhile'. I think maybe the next step is to make it a daily 15-20 minute doodling session every day and see what comes out of it. I've had this sketchbook for over two years and I really should finish it up this year!

I've been really inspired by VSCO lately! It's made me fall in love with everything around me -- seeking out those little moments during my walks to mundane tasks, like buying groceries or dropping off my mail. I never feel bad about myself, even if I scroll VSCO for a long time. Contrary to Instagram...

Instagram feels like the LinkedIn of social media to me lol. People add each other to up their follower count, even if they've never each other or only met once. Everyone strives for posting their best selves, the highlight reels. Even stories or anything that's behind the scenes is still curated to some extent. I see a sea of strangers online all the time but don't feel any closer to them, even if we've been following each other for years. But I've found that in larger cities, people really take your social worth into account, even if it's unspoken. It makes me wonder, maybe it wouldn't hurt if I did a bit of upkeep now and then. But even that feels performative because I wouldn't have bothered if it wasn't for moving.

Indie pop has been the shit, it's gotten me out of this music rut I've been in for so long. Weirdly enough, I'm going to a techno show tonight, haha. I'm not too excited about it but I had promised to go with a friend two months ago and now that the moment is here, I wish for nothing more than for it to get canceled LOL.

I want to start a blog. (Talk about the resurgence of the early 00's). But I have no idea what it'd be about, what I would write about. When it comes to pictures, I know what I want to post (just not on IG LOL). But I never what to write. Choosing a niche makes me feel a little cornered as well. I thought maybe doing short vlogs, like 'A day in the life of...' would give me more freedom. But I still find myself drawn to the good, ol' fashioned medium of words and photos. I guess this Tumblr is a bit like that for me but I want something I could actually put a link out in public. Nobody needs to connect these messy thoughts to me LOL

I never thought I'd get closure after almost 1.5 years but it looks like it's happening.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm this far away from my family. With friends, it doesn't feel THAT big of a deal since we'll text, call, and facetime. My family isn't big on those and honestly, they don't say much in person either. But being there in the same room, even if only two words are exchanged, are worth a lot more than our group chats.

I bought my second luxury perfume this summer. Instead of saving it for special occasions, I've been wearing it every day and it makes me so happy. One, I know personally I get tired of scents very easily so I should probably get as much out of it now as I can haha. Two, it's still gonna take me a long ass time to get through the bottle. I don't think I'll find another summery scent that I love as much as this one anytime soon (I hope! I def don't need to be buying another perfume anytime soon lmao)

I noticed I have more energy to do things when I feel like there's the presence of someone else in the room. Lmao that makes it sound like I'm talking about a ghost. But nah, I just meant cozy vlogs where someone is talking while I do the chores. Facetiming Jeff while he and I are doing our own separate chores and sometimes will converge to talk about something random before going off again. Doing work alone in a cafe. I need to incorporate more moments like that into my life. I love wfh, the freedom it's granted me, and not having to do the bullshit sitting in office even if I have nothing to do all day long. But when it's just me all day long, it gets a little too much. I love myself more than I have in prior years but still lol, being alone with just me all the time is tiring.

[juanjoltaire]

Learning to Let Go

I was heartbroken when I realized that I was letting my goals slip away from me. For the past seven+ years, I've made it my mission to have at least one good personal art piece to show per month so I can do my end of year summary, and it's been honestly one of my favorite things to do: to gather up my best pieces of the year and see how far I've come. You'll notice this year is half as short and has no monthly labels, and that's because I didn't end up doing one nice art piece a month. And it's hard for me to let myself be okay with 'failing' at something I wanted so badly to keep up with. But I'm envious of everyone else posting their nice pretty summaries so I thought I might as well be proud of the few that I did end up making and do half a chart.

I work as a professional illustrator for a company, so it's not that I don't do any other art at all, but the stuff that I post here online is the stuff that is for me, and I want to be able to do that, not just for keeping up an artist blog but for my own fulfillment. But there are things that get in the way of that, factors including my chronic hand pain, my lack of inspiration, and my medication which keeps me very sedate. Most of the time I spend my evenings playing video games because it's an activity that requires less will power and creates less hand pain than doing art. My inspiration well has been dry for quite some time and often it's hard for me to think of things that feel worth the effort of creation. If I try to draw without an idea I just end up with another three-quarter face that just...has no appeal whatsoever.

I've been trying to remedy this by buying lots of classes. I've bought classes from Class101, Domestika, and a subscription to Schoolism, and I've been working my way very slowly through a few of them this year. Certainly not as much as I would like to get through but I'm trying, trying to stretch myself and do new things to practice illustration, which is good. The truth is though that I don't think I'll ever get back to the point of being super active like I once was, especially, particularly, with how volatile the art industry has become in the last year. I frankly don't want to expose myself to the rampant theft the community has been dealing with day in and day out now.

Over the past few months, after I knew I wasn't gonna make my goal, I've started to try to make peace with that. To stop pressuring myself to make art on a regular basis and just let myself be. Is it okay that I just want to play video games? Yeah, that's okay. (Is it?) Yeah. Is it okay not to feel inspired? Yeah. Is it okay that I didn't make enough art to keep up a monthly journey that I've been tracking for years? Yeah. It's okay. You still have something to show, even if it's just half.

And I did do something that I'm really proud of, which is finishing the Les Mis Zombie illustration that I've been holding onto as a sketch for years. Just accomplishing that, making an eight-character full color illustration in a time when I'm really struggling, is worth the weight of several finished drawings. Good job, me. That was a long haul and you got it done.

Anyway, if you read all this, thanks. And if you're suffering from the same creative problems, then I hope you feel less alone. I'm tired, we're all tired, and that's okay. Treat yourself nicer, and maybe things will feel better next year. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. Cheers.

Previous Art Summaries

[clerichs-xi]

Getting real on main here bc I'm kinda tired of keeping everything in my head so I'm gonna ramble for a bit bc my blog my posts

Starting to realize more and more i don't know how to interact with people and im kinda starting to wonder if im neurodivergent or if im socially anxious

It's not just I don't know how to interact socially it's more like I don't know how to react in social so I end up mimicking what other ppl do in order to not get a negative reaction/keep up the convo in a natural way. I find I do it more online bc I have time to think about what I do+look back on messages and I end up being so paranoid about what I say or how my messages could get construed differently or how people could negatively react. Maybe it's more that I'm extremely prone to overthinking stuff but either way it makes me feel miserable sometimes, like I can't open up ever and most of the time I end up not opening up. I'm afraid of negative reactions and criticism bc I'm so prone to criticizing others myself. Also i grew up having most of my stuff (achievements, work, expressed thoughts) being reacted to with either neutral reactions or criticism on the basis of humility. Whoa that just got deep lol. Anyways after typing all of this out I feel like my issue mostly lies with my fears of being seen in a negative way or being disliked after saying something so I just end up. overthinking every single thing I want to say or not saying anything at all or both. It's wild how afraid I am of receiving any remotely negative feedback bc the moment I do I'll take to heart way too much and beat myself up over it!! Itll all I focus on and then I'll pick apart every single thing I ever did or said and make myself feel even more miserable!! I'm perfectly capable of discerning when something is my fault just. not when im talking to someone.

Tangent but since I'm here rambling already ill talk abt it and also kinda related. I never feel comfortable enough venting abt my life to close friends bc a) I'm seen as the functional one in the group; b) it seems everyone else's problems are bigger than mine and c) I'll feel like I'm complaining for no good reason mostly bc of a). I did have someone in my friend group say "what do u have to complain abt u have a functional family lol" once and that hurt. And that's why I never share anything anymore lol!!! Bc everyone I know says my life is perfect but a lot I wish I weren't me and I feel so trapped. It's gotten better bc I have been in situations b4 where I vented during really bad situations but I still don't rlly. And the fact that I only feel ok with venting in situations/with feelings that, in my mind, constituted as on par with other people's issues or of a certain level severity that was worth sharing and wouldn't face backlash for is. fucked up to say the least I think. Sometimes I think social media has played a role in fostering this idea bc of ppl constantly comparing and trying to 1-up others with their struggles. or ppl usinh catastrophic world events to go to other ppl saying "ur life will never be as bad as that so suck it up"

Uh anyways I think the neurodivergent part mostly bc i get uncomfortable when I'm not doing something and I can't really stand not doing smth. Ive seen some posts of neurodivergent people (esp posts abt adhd/ppl with adhd talking abt it) and kinda find myself relating to stimulation issues to a degree? I hate not doing anything productive eg drawing, writing. Sometimes I can't even stand just watching tv or reading bc sometimes I don't feel involved enough. If I'm interested in a piece of media I'll binge it for a couple of days and then the next day I'll feel nothing at all for it. Like idk maybe I'm thinking too hard and I don't actually know what I'm talking abt but at this rate I'd rather be wrong while try to explore this/put it into words then keep everything to myself just because I'm afraid of getting backlash or whatever from the 3 real people and 20 pornbots that follow me. Chances are this post wont receive any attention like literally anything else I've ever posted except it not getting attention will be what I want haha.

Tldr I'm just tired of trying to please people and bottling stuff up just bc I want ppl to like me and bc I don't want to burden others. I want to open up and have actual social interactions where I'm not overthinking everything I do. And I'm posting this to prove to myself that I'm going to change and get over it.

[madfantasy]

Dear Blogging

How are you, dears? Been awhile. A bit happen I like to ramble about, a mix of good and the bad as life can be~

Starting with the good news first, I GOT ME A PC AT LAST!!

And how I got— OH, it was a peice of Slytherin scheming, I gotta tell you.

•SO. I was saving up for it for almost a year, right. And when we moved things just went downhill fast from every direction, I had to give everything I have for groceries and bills and all.

But my current pc was coughing up much worse slowly, it was basically running on prayers, I have nothing on it but my files and drawing program, backing up everything was painfully slow. I had to buy something reliable soon, or I won't be drawing.

I was going to get me a normal desk computer, I had it in my wish list for ages, the minute I gathered the full price- it was sold out. I was considably mmfff-ed. Each time I get enough for a good deal pc with the qualities I need- it gets sold out, cuz ya know, everybody's quarantine now and need pcs to be occupied, I suppose.

So, I had to ask for my money back or at least part of it, which I was promised that it would be given back to me, let me clarify. Denied.

I didn't care 'bout groceries, I was miffed— I rather eat dirt for a while than not draw. And so, I begged and pleaded, pleaded and begged. Each time I find a new deal it gets sold out, I'm being ignored further, and it was getting harder to find local deals, and buying aboard wasn't possible these days, even if its cheaper.

Eventually, I asked for only 1/4 of my money back, careful not to say how much it cost or how much I have (cuz I learnt my lesson, it would be taken from me again), so I was given.

I bought it thunder-quick, and it arrived to the next towns delivery office. And FER SOME REASON they sent us a message saying come get your parcel before a week- give or take, and didn't bother to deliver or call.

I was like WHY?!? I knew why anyway, cuz we live in an unmarked town or maybe a village, no traffic or services to pass us.

Since I'm not allowed to step foot outside, and was denied my wishes to learn how to drive (CONSTANTLY), and them bravely taking the responsibility of tending to my needs, I had to beg and plead again. I'm told to forget it, they'll call us and get it here.

For three days, nobody did. I texted, email, messaged all the company's support centers, no response from anyone.

I got the location of their office and phone number and begged them to check it. NOPE.

I was fuming at this point, I was planning ways to go on foot and get it myself, but it was silly- it was 15 minutes drive away, according to Google maps.

So I thought so hard in a way to forced them to go. And remembered something I didn't tell them because I was handling it myself. I deal with the gov documents and do all the paperwork. So I informed them that they need to update their phone number in the ministry office (around the delivering company)

cuz I can't do it online. And they're like damn, and hey I'll go look for your parcel, those ppl are useless in delivering it.

So they went and got it to me, but too bad, the ministry offices are closed. 🤖

With all this, I'm grateful tho for the delay it took (months) and thankful that my older pc kept stable enough to be able to do commissions still (thank you my dearest friends). Because I got a nice deal, and equally important to me— it was red and black, made heavenly matching my red & black palette obsession, hehe

I settled it on my desk and finished installing everything.

•AND THEN!

A scarce endless rain started to pour on us one day after. And the renovations to this house that costs us our souls and starving us really showed their worth. All the house was leaking. And it was dripping on my table, on my devices, and more worryingly near the cables in my room. It rained hailstones too on our fake metal ceiling— with ear piercing noise.

So it was a week of frustratingly listening to panicking and asking us to run around with buckets under each invisible leak, and do as little electric- required work as possible. (Because of horrifying previous happenings)

Contractors came and whatever, asked for the same amount of money to fix our ceiling as they originally did before.

I'm just thankful that it doesn't rain here much anyway.

•And while all that happening:

This person was sending me things.

I already made my point clear to them (and alot of you did more than that, bless your souls)

I don't like listening to people insulting others for their interests, beliefs or basically anything that's doing no one harm to anybody ( I have my fill from home, honestly).

And I suppose they are merely trolling or not good with listening. But then they started spamming me, and I had to break my Homan right policy and block them.

I don't care what others ship as long as they enjoy it, gives them this heart fluttering thrill of excitement and joy, give them meaning, help them grow, understand, have compassion to things they don't get, harmonious with them, have reasonable discussions, influencing goodness on one another. This means alot to me; to be able to do something that can bring happiness and warmth if it was cold and lonely in times. I mean I love how happy everyone was actually enjoying the snermoine I did, while the spammer was too focused on 'canceling' other ships but it. (Eee so glad u liked it💛🔥)

It's not realistic or fair to me that people gets shamed for liking fictional characters— whatever they are. And equally unfair to force some character concept on someone else that doesn't enjoy that concept, no matter how canon or not it was, they are real people to get hurt by such things, while fictional characters can't and never will get hurt anyway. I'm mortified that I have to say it and don't even know how to explain it more plainly! It is troubling that it's a real thing to happen, ppl annoying others for their favourite ships. Anyway, enough said.

And yeah... the fasting month is coming, and you all know what that means!!

Well you don't.. neither do I, yet, hehe but hopefully it would be easy on us.

Bless your days with goodness and fortune, my dears 💛

21.4.2020 pm

[worldofsurvivortibet-blog]

EPISODE 1 (Part 2) - “I'll be sharpening my knife just in case” - Eddie

SEB

I'll be happy if I never have to see another fucking Robot Unicorn for the rest of my life...

NICHOLAS

Hey guys! So I am going to send it here so it's easier, but I already LOVE my tribe! Everyone is so sweet and easy to talk to (something that isn't always the case in these games). I am really trying to be super active and friendly and supportive towards people so that they feel like they should keep me around,,,, and i think it's working well since I got added to that fun alliance! I'm working hard for this reward challenge so I can prove my worth to all of these people on my tribe! That's about it for now! xoxoxoxo Nicholas

AMANDA

OK i have found that i hate this unicorn game. Like HATE IT.  I am so over it. everyone seems cool so far. there is some people that i am already kind of nervous  about because they just seem like they are already trying to play games and stuff. IDK but they just have me on edge but oh well. I think i am going to try to become close with them but idk i don't really want to be close with hem bc i don't trust them.

JARED

Honestly I am PISSED I was not put with Daniella or Trysten, and I’m stuck with the damn furry! But this will not bring me down, I am here to WIN and I will do whatever it takes to do that. Right now my goal is to just be social and try my best to talk to everyone, because god knows I do not want to be the first one voted out!

CHRISSA

we won that reward which is cool there's a reason i like that game, I hope we win immunity too so nervous still. I am hoping i am safe if we don't win either though. Voting if we had to, would be so hard.

ELENA

I am so happy that we won reward! I am a little bit confused about what exactly they are able to do at "the summit" but hopefully Dani and Darian will share with us when they get back! So far as tribe relations go, I haven't had a chance to speak with everyone yet, but I have made a couple of friends it seems in Seb and Darian. I hope to speak with everyone at least once before Immunity challenge is over.

DANI

I WANTED THAT GODDAMN IDOL CLUE! ME! I did! But my freaking Papa Jabari or whatever that dish was called didn't have jack SHIT! Grrrr.... I Didnt even eat that shit it tasted like acc trash! So I'm starving and now I'm stuck on a fucking mountain peak with a furry, someone who plays the victim all the time, a photographer piece of shit who I'm targeting, and a few other assclowns I haven't had the privilege of conversing with. GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!

MATT

My lord Seamus got angry over something I called toast. I need to do that more *eyes emoji*

CHRISSA

flag challenges are ugly but I am here for it and the summit twist is cool that's all

JARED

Honestly, I’m mad.  I wanted to go to the summit because I wanted to talk to Daniella… *starts sobbing* I just feel so ALONE! It’s not fair….

TRYSTEN

I'm not going to lie. I feel defeated a little. I just feel like the weakest link, and I'm not going to be surprised if they vote me out.

KENDALL

Okay I just found out newlyf's name, it's Ally. I was right the first time, which is weird because I am usually never right at all. So chances are we are in the Matrix, sorry to shatter your fragile reality :/. Now on to more substantial things: 1. The Reward Challenge Yeah fuck that challenge man. I'm not going to lie, for the first ten minutes it was sort of fun. I like addicting things and the music was pretty good but everything went down hill and it went down hill fast. I still have the bloody song stuck in my head. :( 2. Summit Interesting concept and I like the idea of having an excuse for not being as social. Unfortunately I couldn't jump at the opportunity because that would be stupid. It would put a target on my back if I did, as the possibility of me having an idol would increase. Plus the odds of someone from my group going was very high considering we make up 4/7. And low and behold I was right. Two of the people I trust the most went to the Summit and I got to keep my hands clean. I guess this also means that the idol thing was fake which leads me to say, really guys, really? I stressed out about this.  3. The Immunity Challenge Flag making challenge, I volunteered because nobody else knew how to use photoshop and I am really good at drawing. I'm no Picasso (early Picasso, not late Picasso, I could do that shit) but I think it will work. Not to mention I hate relying on other people because people are gross and that I need to prove myself of some use. If I'm not careful, they'll catch on that I am virtually worthless in most scenarios. Like I wouldn't even be good bait for the wild animals, I taste too much like arsenic.  Anyway that's all folks, I'll be back with more scheming, paranoid ramblings and zombies. Well, maybe not those first two.   

DARIAN

SHIT HIT THE FAN kinda. I got an idol on my first try today. But it wasn't for my tribe... I know..Im sooooo lucky that I find someone else idol. So I was than told that I had 45 min to decide who I was going to give it to. Instantly I had two ideas in my head Keyonjay or Ally. Keyonjay- He clearly is decent in challenges and would be a string partner to attempt to align myself with. He has also agreed that if he finds my idol that he will give it to me. So theres a win win there for me.. maybe Ally- She did really bad in the first challenge and that honestly puts a huge target on her back because she is the easy vote. The team stays strong and no one gets butt hurt. But if she has the idol she can make a move and take out a big player EARLY... Like Keyonjay hahaha. After talking it out with keyonjay and getting his opinions and than a little self reflection I decided to give Keyonjay the idol in hopes that he could be the one to find my idol and maybe even become a strong alliance member!! Ahhhh so stressed!!!!

KEYONJAY

Okay so a couple things. I got the best score on the first challenge out of pure luck. Like just somehow I literally got to like 55k on level two when the previous times i played i couldn't get over 10k on all three levels. Unfortunately we still didn't win which fucking sucks because I didn't wanna go to the goddamn summit at all, but the other tribe chose me because i got the best score apparently. Didn't really wanna be away from my tribe for anything to change with my alliances, and really didn't wanna be put in a position that complicates my game. Ofc immediately that changes because Darian just gave me an idol. like dsfsdsf wtf. I just met the kid. It's really nice though and obviously from my last game I see that you can't abuse people's kindness like that so I'm not gonna use it against him or anything or brag and call him dumb (I'm sorry Mitchy D:) but this definitely complicates things because if I had an idol, I'd rather be the only person that knows about it and now I have to contend with the fact that this idol is basically mine AND Darian's and I have to use it in a way that benefits both of us or risk a pissed off juror. God. DONT GIVE ME IDOLS! I DONT WANT THEM! THEY COMPLICATE THINGS! He wants me to use it on Ally if my tribe loses the first immunity, but hopefully I can protect her and make that not happen regardless, or we can win, which I doubt since it's a flag challenge and I fucking suck at these.

ACE

Alright we got 2nd on the challenge which is decent. And then the next chall is a flag making competition and considering Kendall and Jared know of my abilities hopefully they can leave it up to me. I'm gonna make a wicked gif. Anyways the Summit twist is kinda cool, I got food that gave me an idol clue but it at least told me where NOT to look. I'm probably gonna stick to mountainside since random.org told me to. The Summit is Me and Keyonjay, Matt, Darian, Dani, and Johnny. I already know Dani and Matt, Darian talked with me a bit and they seem alright. They use phone emojis a lot and Im not use to seein those on my computer so its weird a bittttt! Johnny isn't online yet so idk about them just yet. Before I left Jared wanted me to talk to Keyonjay about making an alliance with them. When I heard keyonjay would be at Summit I decided to volunteer myself so I could get the question in. Keyonjay said they were ok with Jared and wanted him to join the alliance with Kendall and Nicholas... uhh no I think we just meant something between us 3 we don't need that big of an alliance even though our tribe is amazing and we'll probably barely lose anybody =') Also Kendall and I sorta already settled Jared as our possible first tribe boot so that'd just make things a bit harder maybe? WHo's even left? Ally and Amanda... that's it rofl also I don't think Ally is Mega anymore lol delete it

JOHNNY

Since joining the game, I’ve found it really difficult to legitimately communicate with people. I can’t help but think a lot of these people are dweebs, who just sit behind the computer all day blogging on tumblr and obsessing over Survivor games online I’m sure, and there’s no way I can compete with no lifes who do nothing but scratch their ballsacks all day. Any who, I do kinda know Dani, who is in the Summit with me right now, and i recognize Jared from a few other games I’ve played, but I’ve yet to approach him yet about the game, but I’m glad I have that in my back pocket. I’ve really gotta start forming some bonds with people, because the conversations I’m having with most of these people are not strong, and I wouldn’t be surprised if these try hard motherfuckers already have a majority alliance, but all I can do is contribute in challenges and hope for the best since my social game isn’t going to be too strong this early on. I’ve made a bond with Crimson on my team because we have a mutual friend, so hopefully that can take me a long way for now. My plan is to just bond with Matt since he’s the only one from my tribe I can talk to, maybe strike a deal, let him think he can do anything with me in this game, when tbh I’ll probably slit his neck soon enough anyways

tbh I get the very scary feeling that a lot of people know each other in this game, and I honestly don’t have anyone in this game that I can truly rely on like some do, and I’m never going to know who is friends with who. Now I know what it feels like to kinda be a newb in the games I play when I just target the people I don’t know… Guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine here

DANI

Darian is getting on my nerves so badly. Like ugh, shut up for like two seconds nobody cares if you're a photographer. 

So Darian's dumbass comes up to me saying Carson/Julia have an idol in the game. Do I believe him? Yeah. Do I not wanna believe him? Yeah... But that's just how the game works. Oh how I wish I had that idol... *licks lips* Oh the things I would do to it... Grrr....

CARSON

Ok so I'm pretty sure Darian just exposed that he has the idol by trying to give me a fake clue. On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > I got a clue to an idol On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > It wasn't much but it's something On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Carson (albania host) wrote: > omg On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > Don't search the Forrest On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > Or the mountainside On 1/4/17, at 7:27 PM, Carson (albania host) wrote: > I guess that can be kind of helpful lol So apparently you get clues to the idol at the Summit. Hell, there could even be an idol at the Summit. But regardless he got a clue... but he should have quoted it if it was real. Plus I went to the mountainside already and got THIS: On 1/3/17, at 9:24 PM, carson (tibet host) wrote: > You come to the spot where an idol looks to have been hidden, but there's nothing here! https://media.tenor.co/images/fb3f2d1e814190100a4ae401b1660d5b/tenor.gif He told me not to go to the mountainside because he already went there and got it and he didn't want me to find out its gone! And I guess its safe to say he's working with Dani now, who I also wanted to work with. I would go to her about it, but idk if she'd leak to Darian that I'm onto him. Right now, I'm just going to lay low with this until I need to use it. It sounds to me like Dani, Seb and Elena already know each other, and if Darian goes with them, they'll have majority. I wanted to work with Julia (and by extension Chrissa), but idk if it'll work out. Once again, I don't want to pry at all because no one really has a target yet. There isn't an easy first boot, so one slip up could cost me the game. OK THE PLOT JUST THICKENED Apparently, the Namtso idol is gone... which means all the tribes are searching the same area. So maybe Darian doesn't have it... but he could be protecting someone that does. I mean he's probably in cahoots with the ppl at the summit, And we can find the other tribe's idols. I'm so fucking shook.

JULIA RAE

ok so right now i dont know what im doing bc i dont really play survivor ,,, but i think im doing alright. i talked to everyone and i rly like carson and darian but that just my opinion! also darian told me that he'd be willing to get rid of seb if it came down to it ,,,, which is ok with me idk that dude and he kinda weird ngl! hopefully we win immunity bc if we dont idk what to do!! hehe love survivor!!

TRYSTEN

Holy Shit! I fucking did not expect us to get first, but thank yoouuu Johnny! *blows a kiss to the camera* moi!

CHRISSA

I am so glad we are not going to tribal, fuck the people who said those things lol just kidding it's their opinion honestly we just don't know who will judge and what they will like. it sucks.

DANI

I feel good I feel nice I've never felt so Satisfied I'm in love I'm alive Intoxicated Flying high It feels like a dream When you touch me tenderly I don't know if it's real But I like the way I feel Inside

DARIAN

Yasss we won immunity! No tribal! Which is great because no one really is on the outs rn so no one can really be an easy vote and that's scary! But I don't have to worry about that so yay!

KEYONJAY

So we lost the first immunity challenge and this really sucks, but luckily I'm in the majority alliance and then we kinda have Jared as an extra number even though he's not really IN the alliance or the alliance chat. I still have my idol that nobody knows about so I could make some kind of move if I wanted. Darian wanted me to use it to "take out a power-player" but I'm like, not gonna do that. It's WAY too early to make a big move like that and it would be completely illogical and senseless. It's better to just go with the numbers right now and not rock the boat. Plus I don't really see anyone on our tribe as a power-player necessarily. Kendall is definitely the leader of our alliance but I wanted it that way so I can continue flying UTR and focus on my social game. Now to see who will be the first to go from our tribe. :( Sucks because I really like everybody.

MATT

Well damn. Johnny is actually the MVP for this one. We can literally just relax and pretend like we give a shit about who's leaving only because it's none of us lmao.

ACE

I'm sad we lost, I like everybody on this tribe. I don't feel like bringing Jared down just yet, I brought up that Ally had the lowest score on the Reward challenge so we could possibly just go with her. Everyone in the Mofos alliance said they wanna keep me and Kendall for doing good work in the challenge but we'll see about that. I think I'm good with mostly everybody except for Amanda and Ally. I just spoke to Amanda and she said she'll vote Ally bc they haven't spoken at allll. Amanda doesn't seem to be in any alliance whatsoever. Kendall is a strong leader in the Mofos and I like that she's more leading than I am even tho I'm the one who suggested Ally. Hopefully that'll keep the target more on her than me later on in the game. Kendall just told me Keyonjay gave her an idol clue and it's the same one I got. So that didn't help any. I guess I gotta continue filling up that mountainside grid.

ELENA

I am so happy that we aren't going to Tribal Council because I really like everyone on our tribe right now! It will be sad if we lose any time soon because they are all just very nice and interesting people. I am so greatful for Carson for doing the most of the work on the flag, I do wish he had somehow incorporated the Yaks since I did the research on Tibet, it felt like my idea was ignored a little bit. But what matters the most is that it was a very good outcome! I can't wait for the next challenge!!

KENDALL

Welp, I might have fucked myself. Why did I volunteer? Why did I think that combining two mediums is a good idea? Dear lord, what have I done? Well anyway, here's a quick recap: Ace and Keyonjay went to the summit and when they came back Keyonjay told me he had an idol clue. He gave it to me because he really didn't want an idol, apparently they are more trouble than there worth. Ace didn't tell me anything about the summit and only talked about making the flag. She only brought it up when I revealed my idol clue. This proves to me that my loyalties should lie more with Keyonjay than Ace. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway after we lost the challenge I typed in the alliance chat "well at least we know it's either me or Ace". I meant it as a joke but they freaked out and thought I was pulling a Zane. I managed to clear up the misconception but I am still not sure if they still doubt me. In order to repair some sort of relationship with her, I showed Ace the idol clue which was the same clue she got. And now I'm nervous maybe she will show receipts of the conversation to Keyonjay and shift the target on to me. It wouldn't be too difficult, I'm a bit of an unusual person to talk to and I mostly hogged the challenge that we failed. Though chances are I'm being irrational so I'm not going to risk it. If I do start panicking and try to get my alliance mates out, I'll end up putting the target on my back that I've been trying to avoid. God I hate feeling fear, it's very gross. Well, all feelings are gross... it's just this one is inconveniencing me the most currently.