#maybe someday I’ll get to be in the path of totality lol

[disasterhimbo]

[bcolfanfic]

everytime i listen to picture me better by weyes blood i can't help but think of young vets buck and bucky. my heart hurt everytime i think of those boys. you've written them so perfectly. <3

what are some songs you associate with either of them?

heyy sorry it took me so long to get to this (and everything else in my box)- it’s finals szn at my law school and my brain is gonna be at like- total capacity till next thursday at 5pm central time. buttttt. i am big music as a story mood setter person so lotsss of thoughts. gonna focus on young vets au here, but i can make another similar post for show canon if ppl like this? im biggg into oldies music so that would actually be fun to me!

disclaimer: re: the young vets au the “veterans” part of the story takes place starting in august 2021 after the us pulled out of afghanistan. If you see a song and think “but wait that didn't come out until this year so they couldn't listen to that in 2022/2023” simply work with me here and don’t think that <3 LOL.

bucky

biggg zach bryan person and i think in general really likes that specific niche of “new age” country music. gets *irritated* by the hardcore conservative military country music lmfao, those vets that go hard in the sand for songs like courtesy of the red white and blue? not his people. that song gives him hives. also a big fleetwood mac guy, just scratches an itch on his brain. likes florence + the machine too.

east side of sorrow - zach bryan

i lost friends in the august heat / at night it was God I'd always meet / i said, "Lord, won't you bring me home? / i've got women in the west i wanna hold

oklahoma smokeshow - zach bryan

there's so much whiskey in his coke it'll make her nose bend / but she swears that his love is a damn God send / she's known God since she was a child

el dorado - zach bryan

you used to say you'd settle down / but that kind girl from school in town /she was gone before you got back home

to El Dorado, hell if I know if you're still alive /there's a note in the glovebox in your drive / El Dorado, hell if they know the difference in a hero / and a man i wish was still by my side

burn, burn, burn - zach bryan

i wanna be a child climbin' trees somewhere / breathin' in the fresh outside air / before I knew this life was unkind

you should probably leave - chris stapleton

sun on your skin, 6 am /and i been watchin' you sleep / and honey, i'm so afraid you're gonna wake up and say / that you should probably leave

me against the mountain - ian munsick

it’s me against the mountain / most days the mountain wins / but i’ll meet you tonight my love or i’ll meet my end / either way an angel’s waitin when i fought this fight

painkillers - rainbow kitten surprise

living just comes with a bit of heartache / heartache comes with a bit of young faith / faith stays young till your heart get broken / hope grows up to become someday / i never hurt no one and no one will ever hurt me / i believe i believe i believe i believe

motorcycle - colter wall

well, i figure i'll buy me a motorcycle / wrap her pretty little frame around a telephone pole / ride her off a mountain like old arlo

physco - jack kittel

don't hand me johnny's pup, mama / 'cause i might squeeze him too tight / i'm having crazy dreams again, mama

go your own way - fleetwood mac

if i could / baby, i’d give you my world / open up / everything's waiting for you

third eye - florence + the machine

i'm the same / i'm the same / i'm trying to change

astrovan - mt. joy

he said son you're famous in heaven / maybe you're famous in heaven / maybe there is no heaven / maybe we're all along together now / but i don't wanna see those tears again / you know Jesus drives an astrovan

gold dust woman - fleetwood mac

take your silver spoon, dig your grave / heartless challenge / pick your path and i'll pray

all these things that i’ve done - the killers

i got soul / but i'm not a solider

between me and you - brandon flowers

the first time that i saw your face / time stood still / i found my place / now i'm watching it tear out of my arm

gale

listens to zach bryan for bucky but his country music niche is more on the tyler childers side of things. likes older music too bc it’s what his mom would play around the house and he finds it comforting. i think he likes pop music more than bucky does lol, bucky ribs him a lil about some of it but he finds it endearing. the taste they share the most i think is the fleetwood mac and the killers/brandon flowers stuff.

follow you to virgie - tyler childers

back when all us boys were tryin' / to make sense of all these string / i can see her in the corner / singing along to all our crazy dreams

coal - tyler childers

so sometimes, i imagine that I'm getting pretty close to hell / and in my darkest hour, i cry out to the Lord / he says, "keep on a-mining, boy, 'cause that's why you were born

nose on the grindstone - tyler childers

well daddy, i've been tryin', i just can't catch a break / there's too much in this world that i can't seem to shake / but i remember your words, lord, they bring me the chills / keep your nose on the grindstone and out of the pills

folsom prison blues - johnny cash

i bet there's rich folks eatin' from a fancy dinning car /they're prob'ly drinkin' coffee and smoking big cigars / well i know i had it comin' i know i can't be free / but those people keep a movin' and that's what tortures me

old rugged cross - alan jackson (i’ve made a woowoo post about this before/bucky being gale’s cross to carry but. in my mind he listens to this on the drive home when bucky’s in the hospital. has to pull over to cry a lil. sweet boy.)

to the old rugged cross i will ever be true / it's shame and reproach gladly bear

where we’ll never grow old - johnny cash

when our work here is done / and our life's crown is won / and out troubles and trials are o'er / all our sorrows will end / and our voices will blend / with the loved ones who've gone on before

(sittin on’) the dock of the bay - otis redding

sittin' here resting my bones / and this loneliness won't leave me alone / it's two thousand miles i roamed / just to make this dock my home

wouldn’t it be nice - the beach boys

oh we could be married / and then we'd be happy / woudn't it be nice?

the chain - fleetwood mac

listen to the wind blow, down comes the night / running in the shadows / damn your love / damn your lies

romeo and juliet - the killers

i can't do the talk like the talk on the TV / and i can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be / i can't do everything but i'd do anything for you / i can't do anything except be in love with you

xo - beyonce

in the darkest night hour (in the darkest night hour) / i'll search through the crowd (i'll search through the crowd) / your face is all that i see / i'll give you everything

if i ain't got you - alicia keys

said nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing / if i ain't got you with me, baby

sweet escape - gwen stefani

come on let's bounce / counting on you to turn me around / instead of clowning around / let's look for some common ground

come on over baby - christina aguilera

now baby don't be shy / you better cross the line / i'm gonna love you right / all i want is you

the clock was tickin’ - brandon flowers

jackie flips the pages and she dreams little dreams / a cottage in the country built with real wood beams / there's a baby in the bedroom, he's starting to scream / she holds him though he probably won't remember it

[queenlua]

You're a druid and an ex-evangelical, right? What does being a druid mean to you? How did you get from evangelicalism to where you are now? And of course feel free to ignore this if it's nosy. (sincerely, a Christian who wants to leave but who doesn't know what to do)

this is going to make me sound ignorant as hell, lol, but i'm happy to share

under a cut because this got very long, sorry, lol.

my personal progression was: "vaguely christian -> VERY christian -> christian agnostic -> agnostic/atheist -> agnostic/druid -> some sorta druid-neopagan-animist thing."  i guess i'll just go through what made me switch between each of those, and close out with some high-level thoughts that may be helpful for you?

okay, so when i was

VAGUELY CHRISTIAN,

i went to Sunday school every week because That's What You Do, and because my whole hometown was very southern Baptist, i never questioned the veracity of its teachings much... until they ran a whole weekly series on "why [x] is wrong," where [x] is some other group

e.g., we had a week on why Mormons are wrong, and i didn't bat an eye because i hadn't even known Mormons existed until that moment

then we had a week on why Muslims are wrong, and that... bothered me, because i had a friend who was Muslim, and she was just objectively a better person than me, and i was like "any universe where she goes to hell and i don't seems really fucked up"

then we had a week on why EVOLUTION was wrong, and that just absolutely threw me, because while i hadn't thought about evolution much (i think i was in fourth grade or so), it seemed common-sense? scientists thought highly of it? "adaptation over time" just seems logical?

so i went to the public library every day after school for like a week, read some Darwin and some science books, and came back to my Sunday school teacher with, like, an itemized list of objections to the whole "evolution is wrong" thing.  and he came up with some standard Answers In Genesis rebuttals, and i did more research and came back the next week with more science, and we repeated this a few times until he was like "lua, you just gotta take some things on faith"

which.  lmao.  full existential crisis time, because no matter how hard i thought, i couldn't *not* believe in the science, but i also didn't want to go to hell, so i was like "maybe if i believe SUPER HARD i will SOMEDAY be able to unbelieve the condemn-me-to-hell bits"

so i decided to become

VERY CHRISTIAN

and my frantic googling for shit like "proof of god" and "god and evolution" *eventually* broke me out of the Answers In Genesis circles of the internet, and into some decent Christian apologia, like, think First Things and various Catholic bloggers.  and there, i found some way to square my gut sense that evolution was right, with a spiritual worldview.

like, i remember finding some blogger who said:

"young earth creationists get tripped up when they try to explain stars that are millions of light-years away, and end up basically arguing that God's tricking us somehow, and—no!  my God lets you believe in the evidence of your eyes, my God does not demand that you make yourself ignorant or stupid, my God expects you to use your brain"

and i just started crying at my computer, because no one had ever said "using your brain is Good and part of God's will," i was like *finally* here's someone who won't tell me i'm going to hell for just *thinking* about things

(st. augustine does a much better riff on a similar theme, fwiw, but i only found him later)

still, it was an uneasy fit, because, the more i learned and read about world history, the more it seemed... weird... that the One And Singular Path To Salvation was... the successor to some niche desert cult... which didn't even occur at the *beginning* of written history, like, it was all predated by that whole Mithraism thing, etc... and like, sure, i could trot out all the standard theological talking points for why Actually This Makes Perfect Sense, but gut-level-wise, the aesthetics just seemed kinda dumb!  and no level of talking myself out of it made that feeling go away!

so at this point i started referring to myself as a

CHRISTIAN AGNOSTIC

i mean, not aloud.  i still lived in southernbaptistopia and i didn't want, like, my hair stylist to tell me i was a horrible person.  but in my *head* i called myself Christian agnostic and it felt right.

and i started church-hopping, which honestly was really fun, would recommend to anyone at any point.  i visited the fire-and-brimstone baptist church, the methodist church, the episcopalians, the universal unitarians, etc.

unfortunately, while this gave me *some* new perspectives, each of the places either had the same shitty theology as my old megachurch (i remember the *acute* sense of despair i felt when i was starting to jive with a methodist church... only for the dumbass youth minister to start going on about evolution), or, they just lacked any sense of the *sacred*.  like, the Church of Christ churches, with their a capella services, *definitely* had it; i felt more God there in one service than i did in a lifetime of shitty Christian rock at the megachurch.  but their beliefs were even *more* batshit, so.  big L on that one.

having failed to find a satisfactory church, i was basically

AGNOSTIC/ATHEIST

by the time i went to college, but honestly pretty unhappy about it; while it was harder than ever for me to actually *connect* with the divine, i didn't like thinking that my previous experiences of the divine were total lies.  because my shitty evangelical church, for all its faults, could not *completely* sabotage the sense of God's presence.  there were real moments in that church where i do believe i experienced something divine.  mostly mediated by one particular youth minister, who in hindsight was the only spiritual teacher in that church who didn't seem a bit rotten inside, but!  it was something!

so when i happened upon a bunch of writings on the now-defunct shii.org (that's the bit that makes me look WILDLY ignorant, lol), i was utterly captivated.

said author was a previous archdruid of the Reformed Druids of North America, an organization that was formed in the 1960s to troll the administration of Carleton College (there was a religious-service-attendance requirement; they made their own religion; their religion had whiskey and #chilltimes for its services).  however, this shii.org dude seemed to take it pretty seriously.  he was studying history of religion and blogged a lot about his studies, both academic and otherwise.  while RDNA had started out as a troll, that didn't mean they hadn't *discovered* something real in the process, he said.

this, already, was going to be innately appealing to me; i've got a soft spot for wow-we-were-doing-this-ironically-but-now-it's-kinda-real? stuff in general.

in particular, shii.org’s discussions on the separation of ritual from belief was really interesting to me: most religions/spiritualities have *both*, but like, you can do a ritual without having the Exact Right Beliefs (if there even is such a thing!), and it can still be useful to you, it can have real power.  (he had a really lovely essay, speculating on the origins of religion as just a form of art, but that essay is now lost to the sands of time, alas.)

(note that i wouldn't really recommend seeking out *recent* writing by the shii.org guy; he kinda went full tedious neoreactionary-blowhard-who-reads-a-lot-of-Spengler at some point?  sigh.)

the shii.org guy led me to checking out a bunch of books on the history of neopaganism & also books by scholars of religion in general, and the more i read, the more excited i became.  and i started doing little ritual/meditation stuff here and there.

then i was fortunate enough to attend some events with Earthspirit (this was when i lived in Boston), which cemented my hippie dalliances into something more real.  the folks there, being from Boston, were all ridiculously overeducated (a sensibility that appeals to me), but also, being the kind of folks who drive out to a mountain in the middle of nowhere for a spiritual retreat, they tolerated a full range of oddities (everyone from aging-70s-feminist-wiccans to living-on-a-farm-with-your-bros-Astaru to dude-who-started-having-weird-visions-and-is-just-trying-to-figure-out-the-deal to Nordic-spiritualist-with-two-phds-from-Scandanavian-universities-on-the-subject, etc), which gave me a lot of room to explore different types of rituals, ceremonies, "magic", etc.

(polytheism in general lends itself well to this sort of easy plurality!  i can believe other people are experiencing something real with their gods, and i can be talking to a totally different set of gods, and that’s just all very compatible, etc)

anyway, i started calling myself

AGNOSTIC/DRUID

around then, because i knew i'd found *something*, something that felt like all the realest moments i'd ever had in nature, and all the realest moments i'd ever had in that shitty megachurch, but i wasn't quite ready to put a theology to it.

but, idk, you do the thing for a while, and you start encountering some things that you may as well call gods, and you realize you're in pretty deep, and you ditch the "agnostic" bit and just throw hands and start describing yourself as

SOME SORTA DRUID-NEOPAGAN-ANIMIST THING

because that's the most precise thing you can muster.  in particular, the druid bit resonates because nature's still very much at the center of my practice; the neopagan bit resonates because i'm not especially interested in reconstructing older traditions or being faithful to any actual pre-Christian traditions, and animist resonates because what i sometimes call gods seem to be tied pretty tightly to the land itself.  it's all very experiential; all this mostly means i'm some weird chick who sometimes grabs a car and drives out someplace very lonely and hikes for a while and does some hippie shit to try and talk with the land or the god or whatever is there.  and sometimes i come back from it changed, or refocused, or what-have-you, and hopefully i'm better for it.  i'm aware this makes me look a little ridiculous, and is an unsatisfying answer, sorry!

WRT YOUR SITUATION

i don't know you or your situation, obviously, but if i wanted to give former-me some advice to save her some angst, i'd say

-> Christendom itself is far wilder and more diverse than many churches lead you to believe.  if you still want to be Christian on some level, and it's just a shitty church that's convinced you the whole project is fucked, i'd honestly explore, i dunno, your nearest Quaker meeting.  they're invoking the Holy Spirit with regularity but they're not raging douchenozzles about it.

-> if you're specifically interested in druidism, i found John Michael Greer's "A World Full of Gods" really nice.  (caveat: Greer has *also* gone full right-wing nutjob these days, sigh, so like.  would not recommend a great swath of his writing.  but that one's good)

-> deciding that a just God wouldn't give me a brain and then ask me not to use it was hugely comforting to me.  like, that was the start of the whole process, that was what made me feel ok searching for other churches and trying to find something that fit.  obviously you should take this with 800 grains of salt, because obviously i'm no longer Christian, and thus maybe i'm just some poor misguided fallen soul, but... i still kinda believe that!  maybe if you can make yourself believe that, it'll seem less scary?

idk, happy to answer more questions, sorry for the long ramble, hope it helped~

[omniswords]

Chronicles of a Parisian Dumbass 10

omni’s on lunch break, quick post a new Chronicles update—

anyway, thank you for continuing to support this fic!!! i hope you enjoy this update and share the love!

from: itsdjbubbles

hey dude! i know you don’t know me or whatever but like, i wanted to tell you that clip you just posted was FIRE. and also i’m pretty sure we’re in the same city? i think i heard you playing this on the champ de mars yesterday. i didn’t have any cash on me but i totally would’ve given you some if i did.

anyway, nice tunes and hope you’re havin a good one

Luka’s only glad this message hasn’t been sitting in his request box for very long. Otherwise, he’d really feel like a total douchebag. And an ungrateful douchebag on top of that, considering the new clip he posted… isn’t doing as well as he’d like. Not even as well as the first version, the thirty seconds he recorded on his phone and slapped on the internet because his soul all but compelled him to. It’s not that he’s comparing himself to other musicians on here; he rarely does this stuff for the numbers, anyway. It’s more that he’s comparing himself to… himself. The thing that he loves doing, puts hours of himself into, versus… these simple, giveaway details of his life that he posts without a second thought, because, well, where else is he going to put them?

Is this the case with every artist? Because if it is, then that’s just… stupid.

It’s half-past midnight, but Luka still pushes himself out of bed and shuffles to the couch, using the light of his phone to guide his path. His mother and Juleka are surprisingly asleep by now—he’s pretty sure at least half of France is, in spite of what this city has to offer—but he’s hardly ever been opposed to the comfort of the quiet and the dark. At least it gives him a chance to read the message a few more times.

It’s not often that people reach out to him privately. In fact, most of his direct messages are from people he’d befriended on other social media platforms, or occasionally someone who, like this Bubbles person, just wanted to let him know they liked his work and hoped he was having a nice day. It’s not that he thinks that he’s better than the people who are brave enough to reach out. He’s just never really known how to answer those kinds of messages beyond a thank you, so he’s tended to leave them be, or worse—never accept them in the first place, so they’d never know he read them at all.

It sort of makes him wonder how people dealt with situations like this a century or two ago. Maybe they just never left their houses, so they could never be called upon. So they never had to be known.

That wouldn’t be so bad, if he didn’t have to make money. Or if he didn’t like the sun so much.

Well. He supposes with technology like this, he’s coming pretty close.

Out of curiosity, Luka taps Bubbles’s icon, just to peek at their profile. He balks at the follower count—it’s well over a thousand—and judging by the content they post, he’s pretty sure almost none of them are those stupid bots looking to make ad revenue or ensure their devices are brimming with viruses. Or worse—argue against human rights, as though they’re something to be argued against. Bubbles’s page is funny, and vibrant, and rife with links to this other website he’s only ever heard of in jokes. It makes him halfway wonder how many of Bubbles’s posts have blown up—and how many they’ve actually responded to with a tip jar link or a peep my Soundcloud.

Whatever this Bubbles person is doing, it’s working. And it’s working right.

They don’t have any pictures of themselves on their page, or even as their profile picture. In fact, the most Luka finds is a silhouette of them from a nightclub, somehow darker than black and highlighted by strobes of bold, bright light. And the most he can make out of that is the rim of a pair of round glasses, and layers of thick dreadlocks.

It probably doesn’t matter. Even if he pulled off some crazed theorist thing with wild hair and enough red yarn to map out every arrondissement, he probably couldn’t have picked out glasses and dreadlocks out of a crowd on the Champ de Mars if he tried and wasn’t distracted by his own work.

But what could it hurt to say hi back?

Luka pops in his headphones, because the music is the only thing that actually lets him concentrate, and starts to type his response in the notes app on his phone. He doesn’t want to accidentally send something he hasn’t read and reread, or hasn’t even finished typing. And if Bubbles just so happens to be checking their messages, he doesn’t want to keep them waiting with all the typing and deleting and re-typing and re-deleting. He’s been on the receiving end of those eerily calm ellipses enough times to never want to subject anyone else to that. Eventually—and eventually is a long time, even for him—he comes up with something he’s actually satisfied with.

to: itsdjbubbles

hey, sorry for replying so late, i didn’t get any notification. but thanks for the compliment. it’s really cool of you to message me in the first place, i appreciate it. sorry about the cash thing, but don’t worry about it. i’d like to do it full-time someday, but it’s more of a side hustle thing for now. maybe i’ll get one of those venmo or cashapp things for people who don’t carry cash. (i mean, you’re right, who does that, anyway? it’s the 21st century.)

With a deep breath and both legs bouncing, Luka taps the SEND button. And then he decides that was an awkward place to end a message, because apparently you can read and reread and edit and re-edit, and you’ll still find every little thing wrong after you post, so he sends a follow-up message as quickly as he can.

anyway, thanks for the message. hope you’re having a good night.

Assuming Bubbles is even awake.

As soon as he puts his phone face-down in his lap, his blood runs cold with relief, and his hands start to tremble and tingle in spite of how the music still blasts in his ears. He tries to calm himself down by placing the color of each song, but after just a few of them he starts feeling that familiar buzz of sensory overload. In the end, he has to lie back and close his eyes and bask in total silence, just to get his head back on straight.

A message.

He sent a message.

His phone buzzes from its place on his stomach, and immediately he scrambles for it, squinting against the bright light of his screen. There’s a single notification.

Bubbles.

He shouldn’t already be this excited to talk to Bubbles.

from: itsdjbubbles

dude, you’re still up? don’t you have work in the morning?

from: itsdjbubbles

no but for real, you should consider sharing on other sites or picking up some other gigs if you haven’t already.

from: itsdjbubbles

like lol i know we just met and all but i know a place i DJ sometimes that’d totally like your vibe. just lmk if you’re interested?

from: itsdjbubbles

anyway, we should probably get some sleep huh. g’night!

It’s… funny. How this is all it takes for opportunity to fall into his lap.

Luka gets to his feet, a tired grin inching its way across his face, and shuffles right back to bed, another message under his thumb. Except this time, he doesn’t bother to open up his notes. If Bubbles knows he’s up, he might as well own it. Just for now.

to: itsdjbubbles

i’m going, i’m going, don’t worry, haha.

to: itsdjbubbles

yeah, i’ll think about it. why don’t you send me their info?

from: itsdjbubbles

you got it, dude.

from: itsdjbubbles

also

from: itsdjbubbles

good luck with CBG and all

from: itsdjbubbles

though from the looks of it, maybe you won’t need it??

Luka’s eyes blow wide open enough to start asking in his head, what does it mean? what does it all mean? Instead, he presses his phone to his face, because asking—and screaming—will definitely wake up his family, and types out one more reply.

to: itsdjbubbles

trust me. vaguely knowing her, i think i will.

[wellimaginethat]

Bruises: Chapter 1

SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON 5 FINALE OF CHICAGO MED!!!

Pairing: Crockett Marcel x (female) Reader

Word Count: 2246

Author’s Note: SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON 5 FINALE!!! This happened because of Chicago Med’s season finale the other night. I got this idea and it just stuck. I couldn’t shake it so I had to write it.

Trigger Warning(s): MENTION OF CHILD’S DEATH (Dr. Marcel’s daughter, Harper), ABANDONMENT, divorce, CAR ACCIDENT, MENTION OF BLOOD (in later chapter), slight injury (in later chapters), hospital stay (in later chapters), bad medical knowledge because I’m not a doctor (yet, maybe someday, lol), Dr. Manning is a noisy brat (no hate, maybe a little shade, but no full on hate), DEPRESSION (in later chapters), mention of alcohol abuse, mentions of self harm (in later chapters) Marriage problems, slight arguing

Disclaimer: I don’t owe nor am I affiliated with any of the Chicago shows, I just like to play with the characters

Summary: This is probably, kinda, sorta AU because I’ve missed some of Chicago Med (the others too due to work) so I’m just going based off what I know and research (which has come up that we don’t know much about Marcel’s past, other than this shocking new tidbit). Also, the name is from the song Bruises by Lewis Capaldi, which is the song I was listening to while writing this

Y/N = Your Name

PRELUDE FOUND HERE

~ And every breath that I've been takin' since you left feels like a waste on me; I've been holding on to hope, that you'll come back when you can find some peace ~

You should’ve woken up by now, or at least that’s how it seemed, but when he checked the time it had only been a little over an hour since you were moved into a room.

For the first three years, he had wondered about you. Then he tried forcing himself to stop. But there was always the ‘what ifs’ lingering in the back of his head. What if Harper never got sick? What if it had been caught sooner? What if she hadn’t died? What if he hadn’t started drinking so much after she died? What if he had been there when you went to leave? That last one was the most frequent to pop up. He wondered if maybe he could have stopped you.

As the thoughts started to build up, he forced himself back to reality. Some might think it weird, that he still cared for you after so long, that he had never fully given up. But you don’t give up on a love like the two of you had. 

Part of him prayed that maybe somehow your paths would cross again. He never would have thought that him being accused of murder would be the cause, funny how the world works. A small amount of hope sparked in his heart, that maybe the two of you could talk and work it all out. It was a hope that he hadn’t realized he’d held onto all these years.

He looked at your face, you looked peaceful, like you were sleeping. If it wasn’t for the gauze covering the gash on your upper forehead and the slight bruising, he could’ve sworn you were just sleeping.

When he saw you earlier that day, so many memories and feelings came rushing back and he was faced with the realization that he never truly got over you. He had forced himself to move on, even if you weren’t technically divorced. That was just another question to add to the list he had for you. His first question, why you left, was practically answered for him. 

And seeing you there, in the hospital bed, bruised and with little cuts on your arms, made him realize just how much he didn’t want to lose you again.

He reached out to touch your arm gently, to reassure himself that you were in fact there, and technically okay despite the injuries you suffered.

And that was when you started to stir.

He stood up and carefully placed his hands on your shoulders. “Careful.” He spoke gently when he thought you were conscious enough to understand him.

“What happened?” You managed to say despite the dryness in your throat. It started to come back to you before he even opened his mouth.

“You were in a car accident.”

You groan some as you shift in the bed, looking anywhere but at him. You swat his hands away weakly, but it was enough to get him to move them.

“How do you feel?” “Like I was hit by a car.” You retort dryly, finally looking up at him, unable to hide the small smirk.

You could see him smile a little and roll his eyes. “You know what I mean.” “I feel fine considering the fact that I was, in fact, hit by a car.”

“Technically your car was hit by another car and you were inside.”

“True, guess I’m just lucky, huh?” That right there assured him that you’d be fine, you were still able to be as sarcastic as ever.

He sat back down, his eyes never leaving you.

“So how long have I been here?” You asked, looking over at him the best you could given the way you were laying and the fact that your muscles were sore.

“About two hours.”

“Oh, that’s not bad. I was afraid it was like a week or something.” You paused for a moment, expecting him to speak but since he didn’t, you did. “So how have you been?”

He shook his head some before looking down at his hands, clasped together as he was leaning forward slightly, resting his forearms on his legs. He looked back at you. “Earlier you couldn’t stand to even look at me, let alone talk, and now you’re asking me how I’ve been?”

“Well I’m assuming I’m stuck here, and I’m assuming you aren’t gonna leave until I talk to you, so yeah, I’ve decided to kill time by making small talk. But never mind.” You huffed, shifting so that you were now looking at the ceiling.

Time passed by slowly, what felt like an hour of silence was probably only five minutes. You were getting ready to speak again, but just as you opened your mouth, a nurse walked in.

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” She asked, and almost stepped back out.

“No.” The two of you answered in unison, too fast for it to not put an awkwardness in the air.

The nurse nodded slowly. “Okay…” She moved over to the side of your bed. “How’re you feeling?”

“Fine, all things considered.” You answered her with a slight smile. “My head hurts a little, and my body’s a little sore, but it could be worse.”

“Alright, if it gets any worse just press this button.” She motioned to the clicker thing on the bed, to which you nodded. “Is there anything I can get you?” “Some water would be great, my throat is getting pretty dry.”

She nodded and after she checked a few things and made a few notes, she left the room.

The awkwardness however, did not. You felt unsettled, like there was something you were supposed to say but didn’t know what. The air seemed stale and you hoped the nurse would get back with your water soon so you would at least be able to drink the water and pretend like you were calm.

Time ticked by slowly, and soon enough. Crockett was standing up. “Well since you don’t seem like you want to talk, I guess I’ll just leave you be.” He stated as he headed towards the door.

“I tried talking but you just got annoyed with me.” You retorted back, huffing and crossing your arms.

He turned towards you. “Well I’m sorry if I don’t want to make small talk with my estranged wife after I haven’t seen her for seven years.”

“Did you think that maybe I was easing into the difficult topics? That maybe I didn’t want to just jump right into an argument with you?”

“Well it seems like your plan backfired on you because we’re arguing now.”

“Well we don’t have to be!” You huffed again, making a point of crossing your arms even more and looking away from him.

Seconds passed without either of you saying anything.

He finally broke the silence. “Why did you leave?”

You groaned, you did not want to talk about this now. Not here, not now, maybe not ever.

He huffed. “Fine, don’t tell me.” He turned to walk out again.

“Wait.” You called after him with a sigh. “I told you earlier that I felt abandoned. I felt like I was living with a ghost, I’d wake up and you were already gone, and you’d still be gone when I got home. You’d come home late at night. I started wondering when you’d stop coming home at all.” You admitted that last part quietly, your eyes straying from his.

“How could you think that?” He asked after processing your words. “I always came home to you.” “Yeah, you did, but the way things were going I didn’t know if it would stay that way. After Harper died, you shut me out. I get that you were grieving, but so was I. We both lost her.”

“I’m aware of that.” He replied tightly.

The nurse must have either really bad timing or really great timing, because that was when she walked in with your water. She smiled at you as she walked over and handed you the styrofoam cup.

“Thank you so much.” You smiled at her, taking a sip of the water through the straw as soon as the cup was in your hands.

“Not a problem, if you need anything else just hit the call button.” She walked out then and that’s when you noticed that Crockett slipped out while you were distracted.

You sighed sadly, setting the cup on the little table tray thing and leaned back into the pillows, replaying the conversation in your head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You didn’t see him again, and the next morning you were released from the hospital. You got a taxi, since your car was totaled and probably in a junk yard somewhere by now, and went back to your hotel. 

You considered leaving, but something made you stay there, an inner voice maybe, telling you that you had to talk to Crockett before you left. That you had to finally resolve things and end your relationship with him completely, so that nothing tied you to him. The thought of it alone made your heart hurt, sure you had tried to move on from him, went on dates with other guys and stuff, but he was your first real love and a part of you still loved him, maybe more than a part. 

You let yourself slip into a daydream, one where the two of you were able to work it out and go back to how things used to be. You missed those days, back when you were dating, and when you were engaged, and even in the first few months of being married. Things were good between you two until Harper got really sick. At first you both were hopeful, but the sicker she got, the less hopeful you got, and he had tried to remain optimistic. When you snapped out of the daydream, clouded by thoughts of the past, you found yourself wondering what would’ve actually happened if you hadn’t left. Would he have stopped staying out so late? Could you have fixed your marriage?

That’s when you decided what you needed to do.

So you called for another taxi and headed to the hospital, when you got there you asked the driver to wait because you’d only be a minute, you just wanted to give him your cell number and tell him to call you and you two could talk.

But when you walked in, you saw him chatting with another doctor, a female doctor. You couldn’t help but feel a little defeated, but you figured he had probably moved on so you didn’t let it stop you from going over to the front desk and smiling at the receptionist. “Hi, I was wondering if I could leave a note for Dr. Marcel?” The receptionist nodded and grabbed a sticky note and pen for you, which you quickly scribbled your number and ‘call me - Y/N’ on it before handing it back to her.

Natalie couldn’t help her curiosity, she never could, and she noticed he was acting a bit odd, so she approached him.

“Are you okay?” It was an innocent question, she was one of the few people who knew at least most of the story, the fact that Y/N was his wife and that they had a daughter named Harper who died when she was young.

He let out an exasperated sigh, running his hand over the bottom half of his face before looking at her for a moment. He was about to say that he was fine, but he knew that she wouldn’t let it go at that. “Not really.” He almost had to force himself to admit it.

“Do you need someone to talk to?” She was just trying to help, trying to be a friend.

He had to think about it for a moment, which might have been the reason she was quick to speak again.

“Sorry, I’m not trying to overstep or anything, I just want to help.”

“It’s okay.” He assured her with the barest hint of a smile. “She left.” A sigh. “Again.” He added in an even more defeated tone.

“Oh.” Natalie wasn’t sure what to say right away. “Did you try talking to her?” He nodded solemnly. “I did, but it didn’t go well.” He sighed again. “We’re both still hurt and it just ended up with us arguing instead of talking it out.”

Natalie looked at him for a moment. “You still love her, don’t you?”

He paused for a moment before nodding. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her, I’ve learned to move on and continue with my life, but she’ll always be the one that got away.”

She was a bit shocked, this was the first he’d ever opened up to her. She nodded to him and watched as he walked over to the front desk to check the files of patients.

“Oh, Dr. Marcel, a lady left you a note a few minutes ago.” The receptionist held the sticky note out to him.

He took the note and looked at it, reading it before nodding to her. “Thanks.” He put the note in his pocket.

“Was it from her?” Natalie asked, having been just a step behind him.

He nodded silently as he resumed working just like that.

[lovely-angst]

helloooo its meeeeeeeee. the one who asked if you write fluff or not. well since we’re already here may i ask for some fluff with giyu for fem s/o? like omg i dont feel so good right now but if you actually do this peasants request ill be very grateful (and since youre a angst writer can i request for some angst before the fluff comes?) sorry if this was too long smh

You didn’t specify anything for this fluff request, so I just went with the idea I had this afternoon! is this considered fluff? lol i dont even know what fluff is anymore because angst has consumed me

tomioka might be a little ooc towards the end because bby boi doesn’t talk much in the anime/manga lolol

A mixed match haori—that’s all you remember the night you were attacked by demons. The moon was full in the sky, illuminating the white snow-dusted with red from the blood of the demons. Everything was clear around you, but the silhouetted figure in front of you. ‘Hauntingly beautiful blue eyes and a lovely mixed haori,’ you thought to yourself as you stared up at the man who had saved you, ‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’ 

Frowning to yourself as you remembered that distant memory, you walked down the dirt road towards the Butterfly House to rest from your tiring missions. Was it cliche and naive to say that you became a demon slayer just to find the mixed match haori wearer? Or was it cliche to say that you believe in love at first sight? You just wanted to see him one more time.

“(Name)? Did you just get back from a mission? I haven’t seen you in two weeks!” Aoi asked you as you entered the gates to the estate. You nod tiredly as you stretched out your sore limbs, “Yeah, just got back. Did anything new happen while I was gone?” you ask and Aoi responds with a frown. 

“Yeah, we just took in some boys to train, so the place is a little busier,” Aoi states and you give her a sympathetic smile. “Sounds lively, I’ll go check in with Shinobu, see you later,” and with that, you made your way over to find the insect pillar.

As you walked through the seemingly quiet estate, you heard Shinobu’s voice in the courtyard around the corner, and it seemed like she was having a conversation. Raising a brow, you turn the corner curiously, “Shinobu? Who are you talking to?” 

As soon as you turn the corner, your feet stop abruptly and you stare at the person in front of you. Your eyes widen and your heart flutters as he turns around to look at you.

“Beautiful blue eyes and a lovely haori..” you say quietly as your eyes catch his. Here he was after all this time. 

“Ah, (Name)-chan! You’re back!” Shinobu chirps as she turns to greet you happily. “How was the mission? You were gone for so long I was getting worried!” 

“It wasn’t bad, it was just hard…trying to locate…the demon..,” you trail off as your focus shifts over to the man in front of you. 

Wow, he was gorgeous in the moonlight, but seeing him clearly in the sun was quite the view. 

“(Name)-chan?” Shinobu waves her hand in front of you as she looks from you to Tomioka. She retreated her hand back towards her lips as she blocked her cheeky smile from you. ’(Name)-chan is totally smitten from Tomioka!’ Shinobu squeals as she observes the pair. 

Tomioka was confused and couldn’t help but feel a little nervous from your stare; you suddenly popped out of nowhere and on top of that, just began to stare at him. He noticed that your cheeks were a rosy color and you looked flustered? 

“U-um!” You shouted as you finally snapped out of your daydream. Taking a step towards him, you nervously held your hands together on your chest, biting your lip. “Do you remember me?” 

You remember the moment he jumped in front of you, instantly slicing the head of the demon and saving you—giving you another chance at life. “Are you hurt?” were his first words to you and you’ve never forgotten them.

“I don’t know who you are, sorry..” he apologizes and you shrink back slightly embarrassed. “My name is (Last Name) (Name)! You saved me a few years back from some demons, I never got to say thank you,” you smile sheepishly as you give him a polite bow. “Thank you for saving my life.”

Tomioka never got a personal thank you from anybody he had saved. He had always left right after he had slayed the demon, leaving no room for any conversation, but here you were, in front of him telling him thank you. He couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed himself.

“Do you,” you squeezed your eyes shut before opening them back up and taking another step towards the male, blush eminent on your cheeks, “Do you believe in love at first sight?!” 

Shinobu choked beside Tomioka and he widened his eyes from your sudden exclamation. 

“Or should I walk past again? Cause I can!” you shout determined as you took a step back, ready to walk past again. Suddenly you shot up and covered your mouth before giving another bow, “I’m sorry! I didn’t even get your name!” 

He had just met you, but he could already tell you were going to be a handful. 

-

You learned that his name was Tomioka Giyuu and that you made him very flustered from your sudden confession, according to Shinobu, as the two of you ate lunch together that afternoon.

“I never knew that you had already met Tomioka-san,” she chuckled and you shrugged at the insect pillar, “I’ve always liked him,” you inform and Shinobu sighs at you with a smile. “He isn’t that good with girls, and especially girls with such big personalities, like you.”

“Well, he’s going to have to get used to it because I’m going to get him to fall in love with me!” you exclaim as you clench your fist, determined with your new goal now that you had found your dream man. Shinobu chuckled lightly as she watched you, “Just make sure you don’t scare him off.”

And from that day forward, you vowed to yourself that you would get Tomioka Giyuu to fall in love with you. 

Unfortunately for you, you quickly found out that this was one of the hardest missions you had ever been on. 

Once you saw him training and decided to compliment him on his swordsmanship, “Wow, Tomioka-san! That was amazing, you’re so good! Maybe you could teach me someday?” you chirped and he jumped from your sudden voice before looking around nervously, “I’m too busy to teach anyone, maybe Kochou can teach you.” and with that, he quickly left the training ground. 

Another time you saw him eating lunch with Rengoku, the Flame Pillar and you decided to join them. “Hi! Would it be okay if I ate lunch with you guys?” You ask as you held your tray of lunch behind the two males. Rengoku immediately brightened up from your appearance, but Tomioka flinched. 

“Of course, (Name)! We would love to have you join us!” he exclaimed and you smiled happily before sitting down in between the two. “Thanks, Rengoku-san!” you chirped before turning over to Tomioka with a cheeky smile, “How’s your lunch?” Tomioka quickly got up and left with his lunch, leaving you heartbroken and sad. 

Maybe you were too obnoxious for him? You frowned and leaned against Rengoku for support. “I’m really sad…” “Why are you sad (Name)!”

-

Every time you tried to talk to the male, he would one way or another find a way to excuse himself from being around you, and if you were being honest, it kinda hurt.

Were you that unlikeable?

Sighing to yourself, you walked down the snowy path as you took a trip to visit your parents. It had been a few months since you had tried to win Tomioka’s heart, but it didn’t look like you were nearly as close as your end goal. You didn’t even think you made any progress, in fact, you probably got him to hate you instead. 

“Oh shoot, the sun has already gone down!” you exclaimed as you began to jog towards the nearest town. You were supposed to have gotten there before sundown, but you were so consumed in your thoughts that you didn’t realize how slow you were walking. 

The sun was long gone by now and the moon was slowly rising into the night sky. Your breaths formed small white puffs in the cold air as you clutched onto your sword. Your mind went fuzzy as you looked down the endless white snow road, this was familiar.

Hearing a branch snap beside you, you quickly unsheathed your sword as you swung it in the air, slashing a demon in the neck. Their body hit the ground before dissolving into the air. Staring at their body, your white puffs of air became frequent as your memory seemed to rewind. 

This is just like that night. 

Before you knew it, you were tacked onto the snow by another demon and they managed to knock your sword out of your hand. “My sword!” you cried as you tried to keep the demon from biting you. Your legs kicked at the demon as you used your arms to push them back from your face. 

“Stop resisting, you can’t do anything without your sword,” as the demon raised their arm, your eyes looked up and focused on the moonlight behind them. 

It was just like that night, with the shimmering moonlight—except that night, Tomioka was there to save you.

You let out a piercing scream as the demon slashed your left shoulder, blood pooling beneath you as your breathing hitched. As the demon sat back, getting ready to unleash another attack, you quickly used all the force you had in your right arm to punch them, causing them to fall back off of you. 

Quickly scrambling away, you stumbled towards your sword as you heard the demon come after you from behind. “Come back here!” they cried as you grabbed your sword before turning around.

Hands so shaky, you stared up at the demon who had landed their neck on your blade. Your eyes were wide and your heart beat rapidly as you watched the demon slump on your sword. 

You clutched your chest where the demon’s hand had landed, they had managed to land a direct hit on you as well.

Pulling your sword out, you quickly cut their neck before falling onto the snow beside the deceased demon. Your blood died the pure white snow a dark red color as you tried to stop the blood from escaping with your breathing, but you couldn’t do it. You were too weak, you had no more energy from that ambush.

This was just like last time, although no one had come to save you. 

All you could hear was your slow and shallow breathing beside the snow as you looked out into the dark woods. You really never did get Tomioka to fall in love with you. 

You smiled as you imagined Tomioka yelling out your name. “It’s as if you were actually here,” he lightly joke before tears run down your face. Only fairytales and miracles didn’t exist. 

“(Name)!” 

There it was again. Why does Tomioka sound so worried in your imagination? Is this what happens when people die? They go crazy? 

Suddenly you feel yourself being lifted up off the cold snow and into a warm pair of arms. Looking up, you were greeted with worried beautiful blue eyes and a mixed match haori. 

“(Name), stay with me,” Tomioka’s soft voice lulled you to sleep as he wrapped his haori around your weak body. He cursed at himself as he held your body close to his before he dashed off to safety. 

-

‘Ugh, my head is throbbing like crazy...’ Wincing in pain, you slowly open your eyes to the warmly lit room you were currently in. Turning your head, you were greeted with a small lantern and a sleeping Tomioka?

Blood rose to your cheeks as you quickly pulled the covers up towards your cheeks before you squeaked in pain. “Ow!” 

The sleeping Tomioka woke up from your sudden cry before he suddenly snapped awake and leaning towards you cautiously, “You’re still injured, don’t move too much,” he stated quietly as you watched him flustered. Only your eyes peeked out from the blankets and Tomioka glanced away.

“I thought I died from that demon attack?” you question and Tomioka let out a sigh, “No, I managed to get to you before you passed out completely.” 

He saved me again? 

“I’m sorry you had to come and save me again; I’m so annoying, aren’t I?” You pulled the blanket up to cover your eyes before you started to sniffle under the blanket. “This is why you don’t like me..” 

Tomioka froze from your words. Don’t like you? Is this what you thought he thought of you? That he didn’t like you.

“I-I don’t dislike you...” he stuttered and you grunt under the blanket like a child. “Yeah right,” you complain. “You always tried to escape from me because I’m so annoying. It’s so obvious.” 

“That...wasn’t my intentions..” Tomioka replied nervously as he looked down, “You just made me nervous all the time because you were always happy and smiling—I didn’t know how to handle it..” 

He glanced up at you, but you didn’t reply, your hands still holding your blanket over your face. “You are always talking with the other demon slayers and making everyone happy, and when you focused your attention on me, I just got overwhelmed.” 

You slowly peeked your eyes out from the blanket as you finally looked at him again. He looked like he was struggling to find the words to explain his emotions and you secretly smiled at it. He was such a dork.

“I knew that you had romantic feelings towards me and the fact that you were always trying to talk to me, I didn’t know what to do.” Tomioka pursed his lips together. “But then, when I saw you lying on the bloody ground, I was scared that you died and that I didn’t make it on time.”

“But you saved me again and that’s all that matters, right? We’re here alive together now,” you finish with the biggest smile you could muster and it makes Tomioka’s heart skip a beat. 

Why were you always so happy even during these hard times?

He knitted his brows with a saddened look as he looked at the ground, “I can't give you an answer on my feelings yet, but I enjoy having your company around (Name). Please continue to support me,” he says with a polite bow towards you and you smile at the man. 

“I’ll continue to walk past you no matter how many times it takes until you fall in love with me, Tomioka!” You chirp with a light laugh and Tomioka smiled at you for the first time. 

You didn’t need to walk past him too much—he could already feel himself falling in love with you every second.

[readbythestarlight]

c2e20

Can you guys believe it’s been 20 episodes already?? I can’t

LOL oh Sam we love you even if you are a nerdy loser

“IM A REAL ACTOR AGAIN”

I hate him and his ads

I knew it wouldn’t take them long to get into mischief over Nott’s never-empty flask

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“I think four?”

“How many members of the Mighty Nein are there?”

“Nine.”

“She’s fine.”

Good job changing the subject Caleb xD

F: “Are we not worried about the ambush thing?”

Everyone: “nah”

Yasha liking to snuggle Frumpkin gives me life

Molly just… using the Platinum Dragon tapestry as a blanket and Nott wanting to make it into coats smh

Clouds??

OH ARMY

oh no the cart!

leave the cart get away from the army plz go go go

or ask for help that’s possibly a good idea maybe…

Oh yay Jester, magicing it up!

Aw not enough tho…

Hey @Matt why make them lose their cart that was rude

They are SO BAD at planning on the fly it’s amazing

Hello Captain Maximillian

Laura, grinning: “What do he look like?” Laura is me I wanna know what the NPCs look like always

NOTT

NO

omg Nott plz

omg did it work

lol its food xD

Female solider: looks at Yasha

Yasha: *most awkward grin ever*

I apologize Matt thanks for letting them keep the cart

Jester loves showing off her strength and it’s the best thing ever I love it so much

Beau asking Fjord about his dreams. Beau is gonna singlehandedly dig up everyone’s backstories.

Fjord being a shifty boy about the dreams…

So much rain…. I don’t like it, it’s going to take Ashley/Yasha away soon isn’t it I can tell

YOOOOOOOO YASHA BACKSTORY

IVE BEEN WAITING

baby giiiiirl

BABY GIRL

matt I asked for a week without being sad for one of my children. just a week. that was all i asked for.

jesus matt why do you have to make me sad

Storm god??

stoRM GOD????

“You walk the right path. Be strong. Don’t forget who you were, and decided who you will become.” IT’S FINE IM FINE.

Ashley’s face is the same face I’m making right now

Yasha being an umbrella for Nott lol. For all of three seconds.

My life gets better every time Yasha speaks I’m not even kidding

Yasha and Nott bonding over collecting things is cute

I swear Sam just adds strange new things for Nott to collect every week

Seriously Nott and Yasha are just so precious

Caleb wants to poof in a house all the time

Molly and Nott are the Caleb cheerleading squad and totally believe he can magically poof in a mansion someday

LOL Caleb and his one push up

Please don’t melt the cart, Nott

YAY one vial of acid good for her

Idiots doing bird calls and Fjord and Caleb are jus like “oooookay really tho”

omg are they gonna find a pet crow in a trap i want them to

“THANK YOU OSCAR—I MEAN FJOOOORD”

creepy moving thing in the swamp 0/10

BIRB PERSON?

CREEPY SWAMP LIZARD

goooo Jester!

B: “What are we saving??”

N: “I don’t know, we’re—right now we’re saving Jester!”

SWAMP MAP SWAMP MAP

Haste on Nott, nice!

Oh wait except haste in a battle can be bad…

Matt with a sneaky second gator monster

Nat1, the bird lives!

“A 2, are you fucking serious!?” lol Matt! He’s so salty.

LOL then being like “wait the bird is restrained…” he really wanted to fuck up the bird xD

Fjord just like “why are we doing this”

Enthrall?? Have we seen that happen yet?

I love their enthusiasm about their new spells/attacks

Travis gets so excited every time Yasha rages its my fave

And Liam gets excited every time Nott does something sneaky/rogueish

Not how do you always end up pinned by/inside something

HURRY THE BIRB IS DYING

fighting in a swamp is the worst they’re so slooooow

oh wait i blinked and Yasha is the one in the gator’s jaws now I’m confused

My girl Yasha with the first HDYWTDT of the night again I’m so proud.

RIPPING THE GATOR’S JAWS APART LIKE SHE’S KING KONG YO

oh man poor Not! grappled again. thank goodness for uncanny dodge tho.

Nat20 to beat it on the nose go Beau!

Curse of the Eyeless?? What are all these things??

Liam all like “no no no matt no hurting nott” is such a mood

SAM DONT RISK IT WHAT THE FUCK

Jester is the worst cleric/Laura is the best worst

poor Fjord has been so useless xD

I TAKE IT BACK showed up just in time to get the other HDYWTDT

“Nott today!” xD

“A slop-dolly of epic proportions!”

Oh the bird! Yay!

Adorable little bird person!

IT SPEAKS

A LIL BABBY BIRDIE??

I LOVE HER ALREADY

i can’t believe the mighty nein are gonna take care of a kid

she wrote thank you awwwwwwww

Four she’s four she’s such a babby

Kiri I’m gonna adopt you

SHE’S LOST POOR BABY

Jester/Laura is in mom mode and I love it

I can’t believe she got stuck and her family just left her poor baby Kiri I’m cryyyying

“Nowhere to go, can I come with you?”

I CRY

“Can you handle a weapon?” CALEB SHE’S FOUR SHE’S A BABBY

omg she put her little wings like she was gonna fight I cryyyyyyyyyy

LOL the way she mimicked Fjord’s voice

omg Nott got that pouch of oats and corn. How convenient!

Beau please don’t hit Kiri

LOL she rolled a Nat20 to hit Beau good for her

OH NO DID THEY EAT KIRI’S FAMILY

Caleb totally playing dad to keep Kiri away from the talk about her family possibly being dead I cryyyyyyy

BEAU YOU CAN’T JUST ABANDON HER

she’s so tiny i love her

YOU WILL NOT DROP HER OFF YOU WILL KEEP HER AND LOVE HER UNTIL YOU CAN GET HER BACK TO HER FAMILY

The mighty nein have 8 members now!

Nott and Jester losing their shit over how cute Kiri is is such a mood

Aw poor baby is scared of Frumpkin xD

Caleb sharing his comfort cat is the cutest sweetest thing ever

Ashley why are you insight checking my sweet bird child

Nott gives to Kiri, Jester gives to Nott, Caleb tries to give to Jester. What a bunch of nerds.

Jester and the cranky old lady

“What the FUCK is pocket bacon?!” xD

Caleb is NOT getting into this place lol. An eight foot climb up a rope? Skinny boy can’t handle that.

Beau, honey, please don’t antagonize the Crown’s Guard

“I don’t like you”

“I get that a lot” Poor Beau

LOL then the awkward face off I love Beau so much

“that was me at 16 with every cop” Taliesin Jaffe backstory

NOTT NO ALCOHOL FOR KIRI

“We’ll get her a Tirly Shemple”

“Is it haunted?”

“….Do you like things that are haunted?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it’s haunted!”

Caleb making an intimidation check oh no

Oh wait it worked? holy cow

“It ain’t worth the coin!!”

“What if we gave you a hundred coin?”

“I’d come for that.”

lol Jester forcing the dude to sing

omg is Matt gonna sing??

I’M CRYING

do not trust the guy to take the cart that’s probably a horrible idea…

Nott darling sweetheart light of my life your problems are not a burden talk to Caleb if you need to

wow listen can we go like three weeks without making me sad about Caleb’s past and Nott’s issues

CALEB MIDDLENAME WIDOGAST DO NOT CALL YOURSELF A GARBAGE PERSON (unless you mean it ironically which I know you don’t) I WON’T STAND FOR IT

Matt’s face while Beau and Jester are talking about Captain Max

DO NOT LET KIRI READ YOUR SMUT BOOK JESTER

Molly like super locking up his room is smart, 10/10, that’s using your head

Fjord are you really just gonna sleep in two inches of swamp water

Yasha is having none of this gross guy’s shit good for her

This episode was sooooo good! I hate that I missed it live. It’s all good though. I’ll be back next week!

ALSO I’M SERIOUSLY GONNA ADOPT KIRI

ending it on teasing Marisha about her notebook

GUEST GUEST GUEST GUEST GUEST

[anythingstephenking]

Time Traveling Swing Dancers/Teachers/Assassins

Welp, I did it y’all. I made it full circle to the book that started it all, 11/22/63. I read this brick of a book back in 2016, which lead me to The Stand, which led me to a journey towards 73 novels. Bless your heart, 11/22/63.

I just love this book. My first read through back in the day took me only a couple days; my second trip back in time took me almost a week, still a feat for the 800+ pages of book. Let’s go.

Another tale, like Under The Dome, that ruminated in King’s mind since the 70’s but came to fruition in the 21st century. Although the idea kicked around in King’s head for decades, he was daunted by the research that would be required to tell the story properly, so I think he waited until he was swimming in that sweet sweet money to hire a research team. Per usual, I am speculating.

But King did have a research assistant on this book, that much is true. He also consulted with the likes of Doris Kearns Goodwin, a treasure of American history, who gave King some real fun ideas about what might have happened if JFK had lived. The research was obviously thorough, and like it or not, you sure learn a lot about real-life Lee Harvey Oswald in this work of fiction. You’ll also squiggle in your seat through reminders of racism and hate that lived out loud in the 60s, different but also the same as we see today. History doesn’t change everything.

King has said that the extensive research and reading he did to prepare to write this story confirmed in his mind that Oswald acted alone. While it’s fun to imagine conspiracy theories of magic bullets and a second shooter, if King believes, I’m inclined to believe. If QAnon has taught us anything, it’s that Americans love a conspiracy theory. If Jack Ruby hadn’t shot Oswald in that parking garage, we may have learned what actually happened on November 22, 1963. If Oswald had gone to trial and had been placed under oath. If his last words weren’t about how he was a patsy. If, if if. Maybe Jake should have stopped worrying about stopping Oswald and stopped Ruby instead.

So, yeah, Jake Epping. Our hero of this tale. He’s a writer that teaches and lives in Maine. I mean, if I had a dollar for every time I started a book summary with that sentence, I’d have like $10 bucks and I probably go buy myself a fancy coffee of something.

Jake’s a teacher and loves hamburgers! Who doesn’t. He get’s them cheap at his favorite diner, from the proprietor named Al Templeton, who harbors a pretty rad secret that he’s gunna toss onto Jake. Now, why Jake? I mean, I don’t really know. Al doesn’t have any family and Jake is young and unattached? I suppose at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter, because Jake, like Frodo Baggins before him, is off on an adventure.

Because Al’s diner is actually a portal back in time. We all suspend some disbelief - it’s some version of a thinny (maybe?) that plops you from present day back to 1958. The rules are this: however long you spend in the past, you can return to the future just 2 minutes after you left. Al says there’s no impact on quick trips - Al’s been going back and forth for years buy ground beef for his cheap burgers - but when you do something that might change the future, the past will push back. We learn that Al is very, very wrong, but more on that later.

Al’s set out to save John Fitzgerald Kennedy from his head exploding, but the past gave him lung cancer and he didn’t make it to ’63. He’s back in the present and ready to tag Jake into the ring to get back to the fight for him. Jake hesitates but not NEARLY enough. Seriously, if some stranger told you had to go back in time, follow around a total assmunch for 5 years and live WITHOUT CELL PHONES OR NETFLIX?? I don’t care how delicious the root beer in 1958 is. Fuck that.

Jake goes. A couple times actually. He’s first interested in saving Harry, the high school janitor’s family from being murdered, which is a real noble cause. The past gives him diarrhea, and he wears a diaper to take out the bad man. He fails the first time (diarrhea), heads back home to “reset”, and back to 1958, succeeding the second time around. Sayonara douche.

We cross paths with Beverly and Beep Beep Ritchie in Derry, where Jake spends a fair amount of time in 1960. The town is dark, creepy and troubled, and Jake hates being there. Little interconnected web of the King-o-Verse is always there, and I love every second of it. 

Jake heads to Dallas to wait on Oswald, realizes he hates it (lol, fuck Dallas-Fort Worth), and moves out to the country instead. He gets a nice little job and meets a librarian, and our heroine, Sadie. Sadie’s got some real baggage in the form of a psychotic ex-husband (men are mostly the worst in this book) but her and Jakie fall in love anyways. She’s a well written, strong female lead and I haven’t loved a female King character this much since Lisey.

General consensus is that the mid-section of this book is that it drags a little bit, but I couldn’t disagree more. Sure, does Jake putting on a big theater production have literally anything to do with Lee Harvey Oswald? Nope. But I loved all Jake’s time in Jodie, Texas. He falls in love with Sadie, they are lovely and happy, and albeit doomed because of time travel, it’s a wonderful distraction from all the heaviness.

That said, PLEASE Stephen King, DON’T WRITE SEX SCENES LIKE THIS. ::Monkey with hands over eyes emoji:: The sex stuff is awful. There’s a lot of broad references to Jake and Sadie’s love life, like “She looked. Then she touched.” Gross.

Exhibit B:

She said, "Don't make me wait, I've had enough of that," and so I kissed the sweaty hollow of her temple and moved my hips forward ... She gasped, retreated a little, then raised her hips to meet me. "Sadie? All right?"

"Ohmygodyes," she said and I laughed. She opened her eyes and looked up at me with curiosity and hopefulness. "Is it over, or is there more?"

"A little more," I said. "I don't know how much. I haven't been with a woman in a long time."

It turned out there was quite a bit more … At the end she began to gasp. "Oh dear, oh my dear, oh my dear dear God, oh sugar!"

Guys, this passage was from Sadie’s FIRST TIME. She comes? And Jake notices there is blood on the sheets afterwards. But she orgasmed. Yeah ok, sure.

Other than poorly written Harlequin romance passages, the rest of the story clips along with lots of fun (and not so fun) bits, leading the the culmination of Jake (spoilers) killing Oswald. Sadie dies in the process and it is heart wrenching. But at least the world got saved?

WRONG. Another gripe is this; Jake goes back to 2007 and it’s a fucking post apocalyptic wasteland. Nuclear war has ruined the globe - Jake somehow crosses paths with Harry the janitor, who gives him a 5 minute synopsis of how everything went to hell. It is TOO SHORT. Why do we spend so little time here? I want more dystopian future.

We also get a brief bit about how each trip back isn’t a real “reset” - each one triggers a new “string” or parallel universe. Al’s diner isn’t the only passage, and anyone that has read the Dark Tower books gets it. Al was dumb and Jake was dumb, and at the end of the day Jake resets the past and saves this new string from nuclear fallout but you know those poor souls that were on that timeline are still fucked?

Anywho, the end is lovely and King changed what he originally planned (which was lame) at his son’s suggestion. Good job Joe Hill. Maybe I’ll read some of his books someday.

So that’s 11/22/63. This is the latest in King’s bibliography that I have already read, so I’m headed into the last 20 or so novels without any spoilers at all. I still haven’t even let myself watch The Outsider on HBO yet.

Speaking of adaptations, Lisey’s Story on Apple+ starts airing on Friday. Will be watching and hope that it is better than The Stand.

9/10

First Line: I had never been what you would call a crying man.

Last Line: Then the music takes us, the music rolls away the years, and we dance.

Adaptations:

A Hulu miniseries! They did 2 seasons of Castle Rock, so they’re a-ok in my book. Anything not produced by ABC is a-ok with me. I watched it when it aired and it was pretty decent IIRC. I’ve started rewatching, but only made it through the first episode so far. It’s a hard rewatch knowing what a creep James Franco is. And his fake goatee in the first 30 minutes is the actual worst.

The show takes its own liberties with the plot which is fine; Jake gets a partner in crime named Bill; without Bill we’d have a lot of internal Franco monologue I’d guess. The show is well cast and well acted, and has an 8.2 on IMDB, so it’s doing a lot better than most King projects.

James Franco channeling his inner Annie Wilkes.

[indomies]

hey belle, I hope you’re doing well today! how’s uni?? also I’m very good, thank you for asking 💕 (sorry in advance for the long ask sldjsks)

I just read it a few months ago and it was really good, definitely recommend!!! lmao I was same but I’m slowly catching up on them all

ooo I love that. and excuse me @ niall the girl is waiting for your reply!!!!

no are you kidding?? you totally deserve to be complimented like that when you create such beautiful concepts, including this walls nutrition facts!!! I love that you kept on seeing the music receipts and decided to think outside the box and do something different!!! (and I would definitely buy from that sticker shop 🤭)

your recent typography edits are AMAZING and i loveeee the aimh one, it’s stunning! I can definitely see that becoming your brand since they’re all so different yet cohesive in a way idk lsdjsks

hmm my fave edit of yours I think is definitely the aimh one, but also hl in the different seasons!!! I just love the colours you used and all four of them flow so well 🤩

also I saw that you made an edit series called # iknowaplace (I may or may not have gone through your whole edits tag sldjsk) and I saw you made a beautiful edit for nusa penida, which is such an incredible place!!! this is probably another hard question but can you tell me some of your fav places to go in indonesia??

ahhh I can’t wait for the reveal either, it still seems like ages away but we’re already in feb!! thank you darling, and you too xox

your secret valentine 💖

hi love!!! im studying for exams now dhbsah i just......... want to give up sometimes lmao why did i choose this path. where’s this magic remote like in adam sandler’s movie click where i can fast forward jdba. im living in a vicious cycle u know. like i want to graduate but then i need to study but i dont like what im studying and that results in procastination and  lot of denials lmao.

hahahaha thanks again for the compliment!!!! i just think if i get too many of them i’ll get big headed lmao ((maybe after i graduate and dont have to juggle between work and studying id open up a sticker/merch/art shop idk. ive been on small business tiktok for a while and im so interested hsaj i mean ive dreamed of having my own business since i was like what 13/14? i did have a merch shop when i was in indonesia tho. but it was really short lived bc i had to move to berlin lol))

yeah!! im really happy with my typography edits cant wait what i produce in the future lmaooo. now you remind me that i need to finish hl in season series lmaoooo spring is almost here.

omgg dhjbaj i have so many series that are abandoned #iknowaplace is one of them lmaoo, i think i can restart that series after exams. ohhhhhhh tbh i havent traveled that much in indonesia bc back when i was living there, travel was more expensive especially the flight tickets. and i havent gone back in 3 years lmao. i love going to yogyakarta bc food game there is amazing, also borobudur temple is amazing. bali is an experience tho its highly overrated lmao, lombok is better tbh bc it’s not that known. i want to go to east nusa tenggara, there’s a komodo island where u can see them up close lmaooo. i havent been to mount bromo but my mom has, and the sunset there is so beautiful. i think most beaches in indonesia are great, raja ampat in papua is known for place for diving. too bad i havent really visited cities in indonesia much, i want to tho someday!!!!

yeah!!! you’re gonna reveal urself in less than 2 weeks!! exciting!!! love you babe!!

[hepworld-blog]

2017: confusion, hopelessness, and silver linings

Remember on January 1st of 2017 when someone altered the Hollywood sign to say hollyweed? Well I guess we should’ve known the year would be all downhill from there.

Ok that’s not totally fair. On the world stage it was a year of highs and lows, disasters and improvements, and it’s difficult to separate the good from the bad. If I had to sum up my year, I’d label it as in confusion. World events seemed to be one disaster after another all through the year. From a rise in gun violence in the United States, to a humanitarian crisis against the Rohingya people, a catastrophe in Yemen that the rest of the world has ignored to numerous natural disasters across North America, 2017 was a year of suffering across the globe. Not to mention and an increase in oppressive and chaotic policies from world powers: pushback against free speech in China, efforts to curb internet freedom from every major world power in human civilization, Turkey’s embrace of elected dictatorship, the United States’ rollback of protection on transgender individuals, Spain’s takeover of Catalunya, Russia’s imprisonment of political opponents, a genocide against gay people in Chechnya and the United States’ pullback on climate protections. Some claimed 2016 showed a rebellion of the working class against elites, and heralded populist policies as restoring rule of the common person. 2017 showed how misguided these ideas really were.

But in the middle of all the suffering, 2017 showed us a slight glimmer of hope for us to build our futures on. As an observer of humanity, I was very enthusiastic to see the rise and popularity of the #MeToo movement—that a substantial group of people in western society are willing to listen to the claims of women against harassment, and take a stand against anyone who perpetuates this violence. And this new intolerance of sexual crimes even drifted to the most conservative parts of the united states: a (small) majority of Alabama voters were willing to put aside the politically-divisive atmosphere that they’ve cherished in the face of a candidate whose unapologetic bigotry was overshadowed by his alleged pedophilia. After a tense year in most western countries’ politics, this showed some kind of hope that people would stand together to put what is right before their own pride.

Any discussion of 2017’s silver linings would be incomplete if I didn’t mention the strides taken by Saudi Arabia’s crown prince to modernize the countries policies and eliminate corruption. From allowing women to drive, to a reopening of movie theaters, I am hopeful that the oppressive regime will continue its path towards acknowledging human rights to all people. These steps might be small, they may be small victories amidst a larger trend against human rights, but the most oppressed among us are slowly gaining their freedoms. Those people’s livelihoods are worth every struggle. Amidst a general feeling of hopelessness that has surrounded world events, we have a beautiful silver lining. That was a main theme of 2017: hope in the face of hopelessness.

I found it interesting how closely entertainment in 2017 reflected this. Memes became more ironic and cynical as the world seemed to lose its way forward. As life became more confusing and the truth seemed to drift farther away, surreal memes became popular showing the meaningless of the world. Even the newest movie in the Star Wars saga reflected our time, showing how small acts of kindness in the face of huge defeats for the resistance made the whole journey worth it, all while the film’s antihero urges us to put our losses behind us and embrace the uncertainty of the future.

Many of the reactions people had to all this trouble really bothered me, especially people who try to fight what they think is wrong, but aren’t sincere about it. I call it popular protesting, and I know I’ve played along with it sometimes. When there’s some outrage in the world, people speak out about it until its old news, and then they move on to something else. Meanwhile the people affected by the outrage are left to rot, just some pawns in a political game. It’s sick, and it has to stop. Meanwhile people totally ignore crises that are harder to take some fake moral high ground in (again why don’t more people care about the worst humanitarian crisis of the decade in Yemen?).

Of course for us, what makes a year good or bad is more about personal experience than that of world events that don’t affect us personally. And I know a lot of you had amazing years, spending time with friends and making memories. Ironically, I think my year directly mirrored the world’s. Some of the best memories of my life were formed this year, and some of the worst, I felt the general hopelessness and saw silver linings in my own life as in the world. Maybe we’re all just reflections of the world we live in, if we are willing to admit it to ourselves.

At the end of 2016, I asked a friend on Instagram what he thought the key to ethical behavior was. His response was “to accept that you are not any more special than anybody else and act accordingly.” I thought that was a pretty crappy answer at first, but I think he’s right: it takes realizing that you are no superior to anyone else to act in a way that isn’t selfish and act fairly. Everyone is just as confused and scared as you, nobody belongs anywhere, and everyone’s going to die, so you have the same consideration towards all people as you do yourself. So I went into 2017 with that attitude, spent a lot of time thinking about life, and after melding it with my previously-held beliefs, I thought I’d been enlightened or found some sort of key to life. I realize now how arrogant that was to think I had everything in my understanding. I guess if life was easy to figure out, someone else would’ve done it by now.

Here’s the thing. In Atlantis’s culture there’s something called the Jakanta, an ancient practice which refers to a way of living, where you constantly pursue a greater truth, discovering some sort of pattern to the universe. I’m not sure if there’s an allegory in human society but it’s something engrained in our history and I try to live to pursue it. For a long time I felt like I was getting closer to being firmly “enlightened” and gained understanding of reality, and then I came across information that started forcing me to dismantle what I thought were my hard-formed values. The thing is, it was my philosophy of Jakanta that was forcing me out of the ideas I’ve believed my whole life. Realizing that you’ve been wrong and letting go of your so-called sacred cows is probably the scariest thing a person can do. And it didn’t make me happier or feel liberated or anything, it only made my life more chaotic and confusing. Because I loved being that old Hep. That Hep was so passionate and driven, felt wise and validated, like I was going somewhere. I bet if that Hep met me now he would never guess I was once him. Maybe that Hep would rather die than become me, see me as some empty and purposeless shell. But the ironic part is that I came directly from that Hep’s way of thinking.

Anyone who has talked to me at any length knows I’m a more than a little obsessive about the concept of identity (If y’all want, maybe I’ll write a long paper about all I’ve learned about it someday). That’s one of the main reasons I’ve kept my account all these years lol, because constantly being asked who I am by all of you forces me to think about identity and I still don’t have it completely figured out. But this is what 2017 taught me: what defines you isn’t your beliefs or knowledge, because that is constantly changing (either that or you die stupid, like your politicians). Rather I think that what forms a person’s identity is how they think and allow themselves to grow. What are they willing to question? Do they have faith in something? I guess the beliefs that define your identity are the ones about how to grow, not conceptions of the world. So if any of us want to improve, we need to start by adopting a better way of thinking.

So this begs the question, is my way of thinking even good? Obviously questioning and overanalyzing everything like I do didn’t do me any favors, basically destroying whatever walls I’d built up to keep me sane! I feel like after the past year I’ve lost touch with a lot of reality, just drifting through some abstract space I don’t understand. Maybe I’ve gone insane, probably, even. But at least I am authentic to myself. Because it’s so easy to delude yourself, and I’m constantly worried that I’m pushing reality away in exchange for what I’d rather be true to feel secure and accepted. You can convince yourself of anything you want, if it makes you feel good. Maybe if “ignorance is bliss” I should just forget the whole thing and delude myself into whatever is comfortable. For several months I’ve been wrestling with a simple question: if knowing some truth makes me unhappy and sets my life askew, is it worth knowing? I’ve asked a ton of friends about this (thanks y’all). One of them told me what I’d feared: my good friend told me that nobody can never escape ignorance, so learning isn’t relevant. She told me that it’s best to live entirely in faith and not question things that may lead me down questionable paths. My gut reaction was to reject that, but I didn’t understand why. Because she’s right, I will never achieve complete understanding, I know it as did the monks who established the Jakanta in Atlantis 3000 years ago. Was it time to topple that final pillar of my identity and exchange pursuing knowledge for a blissful life?  

It took me a while to come up with a good answer: knowledge builds wisdom, and that helps others. A happy life lived only for itself is no meaningful life. However, I can use my understanding of the world to help others who are struggling with similar situations, and not often, but maybe, I can change someone’s life for the better. If I can help just someone, all the unhappiness in the world is worth suffering. How selfish is willful ignorance! Only those who suffer can sympathize with others. That’s why every religion claims their central figure “suffered in every way.” I’m no more special than anyone else, so if I can help someone through real physical struggles, my mental confusion is worth every second of it. So then knowledge doesn’t always make you happy, but it always makes you better.

See I don’t know when I’ll die. I’m just lucky to have survived for as long as I have. I think I don’t value that enough: I need to make a difference while I still can, in the name of those who didn’t make it through the past year. And most importantly, when my time comes I want to die where I stood, following what I believed in. I don’t want to die complacent, like a former hero who has become irrelevant while his work is undone. That’s why I try so hard to keep improving myself, so that I can pursue what I believe till the very end. Life is too short to check out and stop helping people.

I’m realize I’m rambling, and maybe you’re trying to think up some platitude to respond to me, but I assure you that’s the last way I want you to react. This is not at all a plea for sympathy or some way to evangelize my ideas to you, I’m just putting out there what I’m thinking because maybe it will help someone think. And because everyone always asks me what my “true identity” is: well, this is it. I’m Hep, because that’s how I choose to grow.

Is happiness a lost cause for those of us who question everything like I think is right? I thought so at first. But my good friend Taylor made a point that gave me hope: she says that whatever contentment I lost because of what I’ve learned this year will surely pass. Everyone knows that people resist change, that much has been obvious over the last two years. Missing my old state of mind and feeling less happy about life becoming chaotic and confusing is just that same fear of change. If I embrace the chaos, I’ll eventually find that contentment again. I expect this cycle of understanding and confusion will continue throughout my life. Thinking I know myself, losing it, and moving on. Maybe it will bring with it waves of depression or confusion, but all is worth it because with each cycle I will be better equipped to help others. And so out of this cycle of hopelessness and chaos, I have my silver lining.

You know, seems poetic to me that America, in a year full of politically-charged anger, would experience a full solar eclipse. As some of you know, I made the trek out from Atlantis to middle America to see the full eclipse, and maybe those of you who didn’t do the same will not understand this at all. When the full eclipse began, and the sky had darkened, a cold wind rolled over the plains relieving from a hot summer afternoon and the sun became a beautiful iridescent ring, circling a brilliant silver sphere of the moon. It hovered there in the sky, and for a minute it seemed to give peace to everything beneath it. I was reminded of the words of a certain future empress of Atlantis, 19 years old at the time, nearly 2500 years ago. “When nature reveals to us its full glory, it challenges us to imprint its beauty upon our souls.” She said this while leading a rebellion against a violent and oppressive government that ruled Atlantis, a movement which would result in the restructure of our government and issue in an era of prosperity, peace and stability. To me, the eclipse was a reminder that life and society are improved not by opposing anger with anger, but by individuals each harboring a determined peace and understanding as the foundation of their souls.

This thought is by no means original in the current climate, but while these ideas are often used as tropes to make the user feel righteous they are blatantly ignored in practice. Maybe many of them try to live by it. I know I’ve failed at applying this idea many times, because anger is such an easier response to fear and confusion than temperance and self-examination. It is my challenge to keep improving myself to approach this, and I expect I will continue pursuing this goal for the rest of my life.

I’m not a believer in new years resolutions. You can keep your “new year new me” crap, because one week in, you’ll realize you have no means to achieve your goals, give up and be twice the slob you were beforehand. Heck I bet a handful of you already gave up. Because you can’t just change your habits and beliefs on a whim, all you can hope to do is make an effort to grow. So in that spirit I’m giving myself a challenge to give myself a direction to improve. I probably will fail to follow it many times, but that’s okay as long as I keep trying.

Here’s my challenge, to start the year. For one, I’m not going to fall into the trap of popular protesting. If something bad is going on, I’ll either keep spreading awareness and don’t stop until it’s fixed—no letting go when the public stops caring—or I’ll let someone else carry the fight. There’s nothing worse than an insincere activist. And if someone is being unethical it does me no good to hate on them. The best reaction is to behave in the way opposite of them, acting positively instead of negatively. As my man Ghandi once said, you gotta be the change you wish to see in the world. I think I’m going to try to cut judgement out of my life altogether: whenever something happens or someone says an idea, my first reaction is often to identify it as good or bad. Just like I’m not a fan of names, I’m not a fan of those labels, and I’ll work to stop that response in myself. Every time you label something, you keep it from being properly questioned, and that’s unhealthy for me. And finally, as always, I will try to be a decent person, try to make an impact on those around me and work to acquire knowledge and improve my thinking.

That’s where I’m going in the next year. I’m not asking you to agree with it or adopt the same challenge, but I hope you ask yourself where you want to grow. Every day is another step in the journey to make yourself authentic, and I hope you all live to be the best versions of yourselves. Don’t be afraid to leave your pasts behind and look to the future, always find ways to be kind, and never stop questioning your thoughts.

Hep out.

[basilvercrow]

more about basilvercrow!

a cute witchy get-to-know-me! tagged by @moreofwaterthanblood (honestly i’m so flattered to get tagged in these things like wow?? someone actually thinks of me???? ily)

1. Are you a religious witch? Which region?  i don’t worship or work with any deities, but the path of druidry has been calling my name for a few years now and i’m eager to study it.

2. What is your preferred herb?  i don’t own a wide selection, but my favorite is of course basil :^)

3. What is your preferred gem?   i only own 3 crystals, but i have a very deep attraction to jasper, lapis lazuli, and aventurine

4. Do you do divination? Which kind? i’m working on practicing cartomancy and dice divination (i forget what it’s called lol), and i hope to eventually work with runes and either tarot or oracle cards.  5. Favorite Tarot card? i can’t say i have one since i’m not familiar with tarot, but maybe one of the sword cards bc i love swords lol

6. To Curse or not to Curse?  i never have, but that’s not to say i never would. but i support any magick so long as you are responsible and respectful of it.

7. Do you have a familiar? i love the idea of one, but i doubt i’ll ever have one, at least not any time soon. :^( 8. Favorite candle color? hmm... probably green!

9. Favorite rune? i don’t know them well enough to say! 10. Do you celebrate the solstices, full moons, etc?  i do! or at least try to. i don’t always have the energy for a full ritual or celebration, but i at least try to do something to acknowledge them.

11. Do you wear a pentacle?  i would love like earrings or a choker, but i don’t currently have one.

12. Do you have a broom? not a witchy one, i’ve got a regular mundane one tho lol 13. Do you have a pendulum?  i do not. they’re very pretty! but working with pendulums just doesn’t appeal to me personally. 14. Do you have an athame? i have a dragon dagger, but it’s blunted and dull so it’s more of a collector’s thing. i’d love a separate ritual blade though (i love blades???) 15. How often do you meditate? (((i’ve never meditated i’m the worst witch;;;;))) 16. Do you do yoga? i used to! i’d be happy to get back into it, but like.....energy lol 17. Whats your favorite herbal tea? i’ve only ever had chamomile but i love it! 18. Do you support manipulation magic? if that means magick intended to affect free will, then i’d say i don’t approve of it, but i won’t stop you from doing it. 19. How many altars do you have? i’ve nowhere to put one, or even really anything to put on one :^( i have like a little witch kit that i carry around though. 20. Do you do magic outside often? honey i can barely do magick inside lol. but i feel most magickal when i’m surrounded by nature so i’d like to attempt it someday! 21. Can you read palms, or tea leaves? nope 22. Would you ever open your own metaphysics shop? hmm... i mean i hate retail, but maybe i’d do like a members only online shop or something? 23. Is your third eye open?  i don’t even know where my third eye is lmao

24. Do you like Astrology? Whats your sign? i love reading into it, but i’m hesitant to like... firmly believe in it? like, i don’t take horoscopes to heart but i always make note of like correspondences and stuff. i’m a leo sun, leo moon, and libra rising. :^) 25. Favorite flower? Or Tree?  flower is probably pansy or forget-me-not... or just wildflowers in general. and i’m especially fond of pines/evergreens. 26. Do you have an animal guide? nope 27. Whats your favorite kind of magic? all of it idk??? bottles/jars/sachets are especially good for me though 28. What time do you feel most like a witch? whenever nature is all around me and i’m far from any evidence of human intrusion 29. Are you out of the broom closet? i don’t tell people i’m a witch but if they asked i probably wouldn’t lie 30. Are you a hereditary witch? Or self discovered? entirely self-discovered 31. Are you in a coven? Or solitary?  supremely solitary 32. Do you want to be in a coven? How big? i don’t think i’d do well in a coven. my practice is very personal and individualized. but it’d be cool to maybe have a witchy friend or two to just hang out with and do little witch things with, like making charms or sigils for each other. 33. When did you become a witch? january 2017! i’m just a wee bab 34. Do you make your own spells?  i plan to! 35. Do you make your own sigils? yep! i love sigils so much 36. Why did you choose this path?  it’s something that has always called to me throughout my life, but it was only just recently i realized it was something i could truly pursue, and i am so thankful for that revelation. 37. Whats your favorite element?  air~ 38. Do you do any misc. magic? i’m not sure what’s classified as misc. magick :^O 39. Magic or things you will never do? i will never fuck w spirits keep that shit away from me. like i totally respect and support those who do it’s just my every instinct tells me to stay away. i won’t even be in the same room as a ouija board like i am outta here goodbye

40. Strangest way a spell backfired? hasn’t happened yet, though i’m positive it’s only a matter of time

i never tag other people in these, but please feel free to do it and tag me so i can learn more about you lovely witches! :^)

[mrs-trustfundkid]

Hey! I really, really love your headcanons. They're so cool. If you feel like it, what would the RFA/V/Saeran think if MC was a renown thief? I kinda imagine the robin hood style, where they give to the needy. But they could be greedy. But just imagine, full on suit and mask, secret thief persona person! :D

Thank you so much for saying so! I’m sooo happy to hear that you like them. (/)v(\) This is a very unique one, so it was a fun challenge to imagine!

Yoosung

Yoosung is, and has been, your fan!

He always reads about you on the internet and thinks your whole gig is crazy but super cool

He’s completely floored when he finds out. To the point where he’s torn between whether or not he actually believes it?

It doesn’t help that the next best thing to confirm it aside from you literally pulling a heist right in front of him is Seven’s word lol

In the end he believes you since you don’t back down from your stance (or deny it, depending upon the exact nature of the reveal)

Then, he has a brief crisis over the fact that not only are you THAT thief, but that you’re... dATING??? HIM?????

Tempted at first to gloat to all his friends about knowing you dating you DATING YOU but then he realizes he can’t give away your secret identity! And he gets super serious about ~protecting~ you from being revealed to anyone else

Zen

“Wait what”

Totally did not see that coming like omg

He’s heard of your thief persona but honestly didn’t really believe the stories?

The night after he finds out he totally goes and scours the internet for everything he can find on your escapades

Him after reading every article: “No way. There’s no way MC did that. WTF.” Sits there with his head in his hands for a good thirty minutes just, in shock.

After he’s over the initial disbelief/surprise, Zen gets really enthusiastic about it. He’ll ask you how you did some of your more athletic feats and if you could teach him how to jump buildings and crazy stuff like that because think of the stunts he could pull off!!!

“I swear they’re gonna make a play or movie about you someday and I’m gonna be in it. I’ll make sure they keep you in character. And that I get the role of the love interest. ;)”

Jaehee

Really isn’t sure how to react at first! On the one hand you’re a wonderful person and she loves you but. Stealing is bad. That’s illegal.

seven knew you were a wanted criminal and he let you join the organization jaehee is gonna hAVE SOME WORDS

but then she’s totally torn because if it hadn’t been for that you wouldn’t have known each other....

After a brief period of terrible uncertainty on her part, she finally has to give in to the romantic aspect of the whole thing... she does like that you’re kind of a modern-day Robin Hood; it’s like you’re a character straight from a fantasy book or something and she’s weak for that

In all seriousness though I think she would (at least eventually) try to persuade you to give up that life, because she can’t bear to think what would happen if you ever got caught or hurt

Jumin

Hm. Things might be a little awkward at first once it’s revealed

whoops you went and fell for the person you may or may not have been stealing from (whether that be theoretically or literally)

Though maybe you spared C&R in particular? It’s a bit vague but Jumin himself at the very least is definitely charitable with his money and supports good causes

Either way you’re probably gonna have to say goodbye to your thieving days if you wanna be with him, for many different reasons... the first and foremost being he wants you to be safe

but also like... pls stop doing illegal things that’s not good for any of us jumin admires helping the less fortunate but nOT LIKE THAT

Seven

Oh, he knew right from the start exactly who you were, of course

Half the reason he let you join the RFA was: “lmao”

The other half was because he was intrigued! Someone to be kinda on-par with him vocation-wise in the RFA would be... interesting, to put it one way

Also, like Yoosung, he’s kind of your fan. He really likes the concept of using morally questionable means for good, because if someone else can do it then maybe he can too

You can throw the “I’m a dangerous person~” line right back at him and he gets frustrated because dammit he wants to protect you why’d you have to go and get yourself a dangerous job

Makes him feel a little better about bringing you along to Mint Eye though, ha. Your skills certainly don’t hurt to have in that situation

After he gives up being a secret agent, he convinces you to retire from thievery as well so you can live semi-normally, domestically, and happily ever after

V

ah, let’s take a trip down the long, winding path that is the analysis of v’s morals and exactly how he would react to something like this

He’s surprised at first, as to be expected. But perhaps not so expected is his enthusiastic support for you

It’s all for a righteous and pure cause, so he sees no reason to try and stop you

Always tells you to be careful and safe though! But he trusts you know what you’re doing so he’s not too worried about you getting hurt/caught

Vows to keep your secret at pretty much all costs he’s good at keeping secrets h a whoops sorry ilu v

Saeran

Like Seven, he knows who you are from the start

Or at least he found out pretty quickly after he started guiding you towards Rika’s apartment

He was a little bemused at how easily he was able to manipulate you, considering you’re a master thief? (perhaps you let yourself be manipulated...?)

After the main events of the story and you guys end up together, you try to bring the subject up with him and he’s just “Yeah I know.”

“Ah... right. Should have figured as much.”

He’s doesn’t care all that much about the whole Robin Hood theme you have, but he loves you so he offers to help out in any way he can -- hacking security cameras, scouting, taking out guards (non-lethally, if you prefer), etc.

Seven eventually finds out about this and is a bit unhappy about it because he wants his brother to stay out of trouble! :( But he knows that if Saeran really wants to do something there’s no stopping him.

Seven will make his feelings on the subject clear, though, and might try to convince you to stop, if not for your own sake then Saeran’s because absolutely nothing good would come of him getting caught

[sanguinesprout]

Are things beginning to look up? Or is it just that I’ve always been looking down? (Some feelings about the future, some self motivation and general updates)

Welp, uhh I could start off this overdue post agonizing over the thing I do every time (about wanting to post but putting it off) but eh, w/e and I’ve berated myself in my head enough times already, gotta cut myself some slack for even having the drive to think so much about stuff in the first place eventhough it’s totally involuntary lol. Not being so harsh on myself... it’s still really hard, but I am much more aware of when I get too unreasonably critical of myself, and I can tune it down somewhat, so that’s something! :3

Things lately have been... well pretty samey same, mostly kind of neutral I guess. Though I have gotten caught into the ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ thought cloud followed by the hopeless and helpless feels quite a bit the past week or so, especially yesterday. 

I went to my sister’s house (still only her secondary home) and just being in a place so different from what I’m used to, somewhere I wish I could be or could only dream of having for my own, it just got me thinking of my bleak future (though I think about this pretty much any time and everywhere else too). Also the fact that whenever I’m with my sister nowadays I can help but feel such a difference in how I see her, how she grew into such an independent and functional adult with all these responsibilities and how I still feel like a confused kid in an adult’s body with absolutely no idea how to do or go about anything. I mean she tells me she doesn’t fully feel like an adult even now and I know she has her struggles, but in my eyes she is an almost perfect example of what is normal and well, what I am not.

She was really happy I went over and we spent a while doing some artsy crafty stuff and of course I was actually enjoying it too, but all the while I couldn’t stop my mind and thoughts from running into the doubtful, uncertain and despairing fog. I just kept thinking to myself ‘what am I doing?’ or ‘what am I going to do?’, ‘I’m so useless’ and ‘I’m such a burden’, ‘how am I going to survive’ and all these other gloomy things. I even felt kind of awkward, like some guest in some acquaintance’s home waiting to be told what to do even though this is nothing like that. I really hate how I’ve grown to become so dependant and come to feel so weak and vulnerable as a result, it’s always something that brings about those kind of thoughts, the ones where you just want to give up and disappear forever. 

But, that’s not going to happen. Even though my thoughts take me to such a dark place so often, I know I don’t want to give up or give in. Ever.

Even though things are unclear now, even if my mind is riddled with frustration and uncertainty all the time, I will work it out someday and be on my way to days, weeks, months and years where I can truly smile and know that I am on the right path. I am stronger than I think and if I keep going then anything is possible. I just need to keep believing in myself and trying my best! I can do it... I will do it!! C: 

(And you, random person out there that may or may not happen to read this, you can and will do it! Be where and who you truly want to be, be happy and free, keep going! Believe in yourself! I'm rooting for you too! ^^)

All is fine, I’ll be fine... no more than fine, I’ll be fantastic! *pumped up/motivation up!* It’ll take time to get where I want to be and maybe it won’t go the way I want it to, but if I stop now then there’ll never be a chance for anything to happen, that’s for sure! Go go me~! ^^

Huff huff, finally got that outta my system. There’s always so much on my mind, it’s hard to not get lost in there and even more so to find my way out and focus on other things. It got kind of cheesy, as usual, but who doesn’t love cheese? (except maybe lactose intolerant people? x3 But I assure you that my words although cheesy as hell, are completely free from lactose or dairy and some dairy free cheeses are actually pretty nice anyways hoho) :3 Can’t have my posts without some cheese and awful puns to liven them up, ya know~ :D

In the case of things kind of looking up, well I’ve been trying to spend a bit more time with my family and to learn some more life skills and to be more assertive in general and stuff. There’s only a tiny bit of progress in these areas so far and some things didn’t go so well, but I tried and I’ll try some more! 

I also got a phone call the other day, it was an appointment day for my counselling/therapy! (Idk what to call it still lol). My mum was curious and came in while I was on the phone, which made me a little uneasy but... but! I was kind of happy and excited to finally have gotten an appointment so I didn’t let it keep me from continuing and when she asked who it was I kind of beat around the bush a lil (my bad habits and annoying secretiveness/shame feels ugh) by saying ‘the other doctor thing’ or something like that, but she got it and was like ‘Oh, the counsellor?’ and kind of just acknowledged it quietly (with maybe the tiniest scowl or frown? I can’t remember ahhh ><).

Anyways something that lessened my fears/shameful feelings is that she already knows about me and the counselling sort of situation and hopefully that it is much needed and useful. Being told before means there is no need to be so secretive (though I still kinda can’t help it), it’s an example of the element of communication that I’ve felt has always been missing and causing misunderstandings and more anguish to myself! If only I could push to communicate these difficult things even more, without the softening and beating around the bush, but I do not have enough confidence yet and I don’t want to cause anymore worry to my mum. I would also like for her to be able to open up to me too, to be able to solve any of her and my dad’s hidden troubles, but that’s all wishful thinking. But in due time I guess, just more baby steps for now.

About the appointment, it’s next monday/approx 3-4 days, I’m kind of equally excited and anxious about it, I don’t want to hold any expectations or overthink so I’m gonna try my best not to *sweats*. I’m just really glad that I finally heard from them as it has been a while and looking online and seeing people had to wait months and even years for an appointment kind of dampened my spirits a little. I’m kind of feeling a little less anxious/more comfortable knowing it will be a lady I’m seeing, I hope it goes alright. It feels like such a big and independent step out to growing and getting better, something I haven’t felt for quite a while and I’m worried but I’m gonna be fine! All this inaction and slow moving and suddenly I feel like maybe things will finally get a smidgen faster, I’m gonna try my best no matter how long it takes though! c:

Ahh I did it! I wrote a post! After putting it off out of fear and all this grogginess, whooo! :D I was worried about my previous posts sounding so ridiculous, and it irked me a lot and made me wanna go back and edit but w/e, nobody got time for that and yolo! Lol XD

The rain has stopped and the fog has cleared, it’s time for the blue to return and the sun to come shine again~ I guess I’ll get to doing some productive stuff now ^^ Oh! I’ve been listening to these relaxing simple background instrumentals on youtube quite a lot lately. It’s so nice that people make such wonderful and helpful things for others, I’m really thankful! I’m gonna make a nice playlist of them someday. They really do help with concentration and de-stressing, super duper recommend! :D

Kick ass and have a wonderful stress free day! C:

[opalmothnightingale]

5- 8- 18 - I just feel stunned and hypnotized by life in a good kind of way...  Everything is coming together as it’s slowing down, like the great big pause or slow way down before taking off in a new direction, making a turn, or turning around, like back from here, it will be in many ways a trail I already know,...  But new too, always ever new,...  But it’s like, ... Yeah, I already know that path, so yes,...  I’m ready.  Will do better this time.  I see things more clearly.  

And, so... I won’t fool myself this time with rush, avoidance or escapism,...  over fearfulness or over analytical minded ness,...  Not any of that...  I know I’m about ready to act on the things I need to do first, the goals, the tasks, habits, to form or to break, ... 

I see,... At this time, too, I am finally ready to break many of these habits with no fuss,...  No effort, almost, I suspect it will be,...  Just all because the right pressures and motivators are here, so that is new, in my walk back the trail as I turn around and go back where I came from, back home, to the life of center and heart and joy and love, and all those things,...

and so now there are all of these things,...  Things that will make the goals and such so much more doable, amid the stress and the tedium and tiredness and boredom, illness, depressiveness, and chaos, as it comes and goes in life,...  

Yes I know that I can do that and I will.  The time is all falling into place, unfolding out of the center of culminating awareness and understanding of just what needs doing now, first, and why and how,...  and how much of what, when...  It will all just explode like a flowering burst of light.  

Still I keep on having realizations of things, as though a bonus, seeing how best to approach problems and goals and obstacles, things which need to be healed.  Somehow before I didn’t have clarity or didn’t have faith or didn’t have the energy or I didn’t have the focus and it all didn’t come together in the right time but now it is, at last.  It’s almost like Spirit is just telling me, this is it, we’re about ready to go on the real journey, but these key understandings and tools you need to gather will make it all go so much better, higher, stronger, faster, more beautifully and pleasurably and meaningfully,...  That these things will fill in the last missing pieces.

It’s like now the fears don’t scare me, the dangers,...  they don’t scare me as much, or maybe not at all, and due to this, it is that now I am able to see them more clearly.  To see the problems in their detail more clearly, and the solutions too, able to see these more clearly, how to avert the problems, how to move instead of stay frozen, how to have faith and remember reasons to think and feel really that these answers and methods are probably what will solve or prevent the problems, ...  And that these different joys and tools to focus with and provide ease and leisure are also going to help me so much,,...

And so these big other goals, crises, are also going to set me afire so I can get things done, because they’re not really dire imminent things most likely but only if I don’t keep them in mind and do them when I can, but only if I write them down, because, otherwise they just get replaced with the conscious mind and crises, all the time, I have seen it, other things make it one blur of pain and escapism and overwhelm,...  So, yeah,...  So much so, it is,...  

that,...

... If ...  I don’t write down the realizations when it feels right to do so and they come to me in my mind as well as igniting my soul and overflowing my heart and convincing me of them and... 

that I need to write them or do something for them...  Then the feeling to face them might not come again soon, ...  So I need to just do it when it feels right, and I will.   I may sound a bit like some broken record, but it’s just all for me, again.  My therapy blog.  I might sound down on myself, but really I’m humble enough,...

Yes, that, but also, and proud and basically, secure enough, rather,...  Not humble nor proud, just secure, honest and clear seeing, to see others’ views have a strong impact on my vulnerable life so I need to keep them in mind, ...

or else I might forget with my memory issues and subconscious denial and total social isolation all three combined, so I just have to rehearse reality in the context of explaining myself in a way others could get,...  Not that there are not some people, somewhere who would not think more highly and like me more, but it’s not common if so, and ...

so it’s ironically my self image being so high that lets me be so real about my reputation and image in the social world,...

even if that social world includes me and my self worth, but it also includes that I’m weird and humble and different,...

and all these negative labels most people would dwell on when thinking of or describing or viewing me...  

I know it sounds like I have self esteem issues, but it’s not that.  

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the good other people share and their kind sentiments and the ways I could relate with them either, ...but it’s just that despite all that, the more salient feature at the end of the day is I have to just be so inward turned,...Ahh,... 

to stay afloat and they won’t get that, but reject and betray and abandon and scorn me, or one of those at the least,...  And any rare exceptions,..

Well they haven’t been proven to me yet, and I’m tired of trying only to be shown that here’s another person who won’t be there for me as I need them to...  I don’t have time or energy,...

Honestly, truly, intensely so hugely much better things to do in my little world,...

My own unique special perfect to me world,...

Just that, my world, all mine,...  All ours, not really alone,... So much,...

with just me, my daughter, my cats, nature, plants, wild animals, spirit, art, books, spirituality, my own writing and ideas, guidance and messages, and it’s more than many often ever have but would they ever open to the life I have? 

I feel it is sadly, very doubtful, unless pushed into a corner with no decent escape, like I have been.  Then isolated as a hermit so I’ll never find them likely.  Lol  Right?  

Sort of similar to that whole ironic thing of Introverts unite, separately or whatever...  

Lol, but in this case, introverted socially outcast spiritually strange, rare personality etc, even more of the whole unite, but separately, kind of thing.  Hmm...  Maybe someday I’ll find how to find them and signal to them that we have enough in common, so we can let down our guards.  

Well, maybe ... It’s not so far fetched with the right approach and the right focuses to find where they might be, ...

whether do you think online maybe in special interest forums and sites or something else, hmm?  Some hobby?  Spiritual pursuit?  Hmm I wonder.  Spirit help with this if the time is right?  ... 

Yes, I don’t know.  But I met more friends in art class in highschool,

Somehow, much more friends there, by far, for one example, but that was then and I was not the same in so many ways, still it was unexpected, though,...  Hmm, but yeah,... 

So ...I wonder.  What might it be? 

[thatninafloblog]

European Adventure + Updates

Hello there blog! I haven’t been here in a minute. Well what can I say? It’s been a crazy amazing past 2 months...

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Well first things first; Europe was freaking unbelievable... it was a dream come true, it was a whole fairytale and a place I could have stayed for way longer than 2 weeks. But ALAS, here I am back in Chicago. Back in the reality of life. Back here in the daily stresses of life. Europe reminded me of all the beauty there is in the world. Of all the beautiful and incredible places that are just waiting to be discovered, to be admired. And those 2 weeks taught me that these places are out there and these dreams do come true with hard work and with desire. And I met some of the greatest people there, friends I will forever cherish in my heart. And my tour director Elena who called me her “mini me” and “little jalapeño.” That woman was the best tour director in the world, always so positive, always so happy and ready to start yet another adventure. Traveling for 12 years, she’s living the life right there and I hope and pray to God that one day our lives cross paths once again.

In total I got to spend time in 6 different countries. Each so unique and beautiful. Each so different and extraordinary...But Italy was by far my favorite: Florence and Rome and Sorrento and Capri. OH LORDT. How lovely. The sun, the ocean, the colorful houses in Cinque Terre, the adventures I had and the risks I took. NO REGRETS. Jumping off the cliff, getting lost, dancing the night away in Florence and singing my lungs off at the Karaoke place there, eating the best pizza and gelato of my life in Rome, and having my Lizzie McGuire moment at the Trevi Fountain. Singing with new friends on my last nigh in Rome at Castl’ St.Angelo. Taking a plane from Rome to Greece with the 4.5 hour layover in Switzerland and deciding to explore it anyway...

Memories and experiences that will last forever. It was the trip of a lifetime and as I cried on the plane on the way back home I told myself a million times that i’ll be back. That Europe hasn’t seen the last of me. That I will go back to see these places again, and S P A I N, which is of course next on my list. I miss these places and people everyday. Every single day, when I look at pictures. When something random just brings me back to this time. And even as the days pass I miss it all. And now more than ever before because my life revolves around my job. A job I randomly got, and now have to make the best of. A temporary job as a waitress as I apply to the REAL DEAL job. 

I’m a college grad, and I want to be this amazing journalist someday. I want to travel the world, I want to meet amazing and interesting people who have these incredible stories to tell. I want to share those stories in the world and hopefully make a difference with my actions. Those are my dreams, and even though they seem far from my reach I know one day I’ll get there. I’ll get there and I’ll have the time of my life...

More on UPDATES: Currently TRYING to apply to jobs, it’s harder than it seems. Especially with because I’m such a big procrastinator. And barely have any time with almost a full time job. My job is something else...I have my laughs with the crazy people that work with me. And I don’t entirely hate it. I actually think I’m really good at it (sometimes) lol and there are even times when I enjoy going to work. Like today for example because the shift is really short. But then my whole weekend disappears and the whole routine thing can get sooooo boring. Either way, like i said this is only temporary. While I save up for a real job, and travels and whatnot. My summer has almost slipped away entirely so that also sucksssss. But there are many things I’m grateful. Like life, and new opportunities and even the slightest glimpses of “love.”

The boy I’ve talked about in previous posts, came back into my life like a ghost. Just re-appeared and I caved in and ended up seeing him on Sunday. And MAN...it was wild. (To say the least) After not seeing him for 2 + months my heart was beating out of my chest, and he got out of his car to hug me and he was so sweet. I was so so nervous but he calmed me down and made me feel so safe and free. And it was as if the universe was giving me this time to let go of all the stresses in my life. Of all the worries and all the crap. I was SO SO happy that day. And I wanted time to slow down so I could spend more time with him, but because this isn’t a movie things obviously played very differently. And I think he disappeared again, and I have no means or way to question it because we aren’t anything. And that breaks me because I have feelings for someone I can’t ever have, he’s moving, he’s busy 24/7 and he’s not the guy for me. But it’s so hard to let go of this heartbreaker. It’s hard because we connect so well, not only in the chemistry department but also intellectually. He’s easy to talk to, he’s sweet and funny and outgoing and a little crazy and adventurous. And maybe I’m idealizing him, and idealizing what little we do have but it’s hard not to when he makes me feel like nothing else matters with just one kiss. Anyways, it is what it is and pretty soon I’ll have to let go of him forever. And just completely remove him from my thoughts and my life...

 But for now, I’m enjoying the little time I do get with him. I’m enjoying it and hoping to see him again soon. And hoping that when it is time to say goodbye that I can let go peacefully and accept the fact that one day I’ll find true love. And that love will respect me and cherish me, make time for me, make me a priority, and make me feel like no one ever else has before. That love won’t make excuses, won’t lie or make me feel like I don’t matter. That love will come and stay. Someday...

August 10th, 2017 3:24pm