#maybe the big bad is a twisted version of Dream or the Villagers

[wr-n]

I want Nightmare to have dreams.

Not normal dreams of nonsensical story or memories resurfacing.

I want him to live a second life in his dreams where the shadows are filled with mechanical clicking, beasts lurk in every room, monsters disguised as loved ones.

And Nightmare has to survive them every time he goes to sleep.

Maybe Nightmare starts losing his handle over his powers and accidentally drags Cross and Horror into himself - into his dreams.

And now they have to survive and look for Nightmare to get out.

[iaintyourbro]

We know that the lifestream and highwind scene are the most important part of the game for Cloti. Just wanted to ask, what are your expectations? Like, do you think they’re gonna change it or add something new (if you think so, what are those things)? Those parts are highly anticipated, especially the lifestream scene (i think that’s like every fan’s favorite, well except for those antis haha) ☺️

OKAY! This is the type of question I like! Hello there, anon!

Let’s start with the Lifestream

So, this is probably one of the most popular - if not the most popular - scenes in the game. It is the major twist on the main character, and I don’t think anybody thought it was going to be what it ended up being. 

The devs have also said that it is their favorite part of the game. It’s a powerful scene. My favorite part honestly is when the Shinra grunt stabs Sephiroth.. and then Tifa comes to this realization that Cloud WAS there, and he takes his helmet off and the main theme plays. I still get chills after seeing it 50 times, I’m getting chills typing this up - it’s a VERY powerful scene. 

Then we get the next scene where Cloud moves Tifa to safety, Sephiroth comes out all pissy because he got stabbed by a kid, and Cloud gets a little brave (with some encouragement from Zack) and goes after him. He’s stabbed. Through sheer rage and will power, he overtakes Sephiroth and kills him. 

So what do I think they’re gonna do here... This is my headcanon and my opinion. Maybe in 15 years when this finally comes out I’ll come back and check off where I was right and where I was wrong. All in good fun.

Prior to the whole earthquake, I think the part where they find Cloud and Tifa says she’s going to stay with him will be even more emotional. I think they’re going to build on this scene a bit and I think you’re going to see more cuts to what’s happening in Mideel while the rest of your party is out and about collecting Huge Materia (if they do that, but that’s another post). 

I think finding Cloud may be a bit more difficult. 

I kinda hope they keep the really goofy doctor for the humor add - it’ll probably be needed for this scene. He’s like Doc Odine from FF8. Extremely quirky. The nurse will have more moments, I think. She had some good lines in the OG.

Okay, so during the earthquake, I think you’ll see something similar, but they’ll almost make it out. You’re going to think they aren’t going to fall in, but they do anyway. 

I’m not sure if they’ll do a wheelchair this time - he’ll probably be in a bed, making the escape even more stressful since she’ll need to get him moved to a wheelchair or something. 

When they fall in, she’s going to hold on to him for dear life in the physical plane, and you’ll her slowly move on to the mental/spiritual plane. 

You’ll hear whatever she was hearing in OG. Since there’s voice acting now, you’ll probably be able to make out some of the voices. You may hear Jessie and Wedge, Tifa’s father, random people she knows. You’ll hear voices telling her bad things and scaring her.

Then, it’ll stop, and I think she’s going to see/feel/hear Aerith here. They’re building the friendship up. I’m thinking that Aerith’s death is going to impact Tifa much worse than any other character in Remake. So this will be comforting for Tifa to see/feel/hear Aerith. They’ll have a moment. 

Then they’re going to go to Cloud’s subconscious. This will be very Kingdom Heart-esq because Nomura. This is his time to shine. It was very whimsical in OG, imagine how cool it’ll look in Remake.

I think each “area” will be expanded on. You’ll still have the same main point expanded on.

The Promise scene will have more dialogue and clarification. Tifa will still call Cloud cute, you may see where Cloud may haven’t remembered everything exactly. Some folks think this is where the shooting star will be reintroduced.

Tifa’s house: I think they’ll do the most with this. The English version was so badly translated that it made Tifa look like a jerk to some people and they won’t let it go. They’ll make sure it’s clear here that she didn’t bully Cloud. They’ll probably talk about Tifa’s friends a bit more since you’ll see and hear them. You may see some flashbacks of Cloud getting in to fights with the kids, getting in trouble by other village adults, etc.You may see other moments of their childhood peppered in.

I think they will have his mom pop in at some points as flashes. It seems based on a previous post and discussion, Cloud may remember his father, so we may get to see Papa Strife. 

I think you’ll be able to explore Nibelheim during this. It’ll be “dream” Nibelheim, based on Cloud’s subconscious. It’ll change as Cloud regains more of his memories and become more accurate.

I think you’ll have fights during this - some kind of shadows. For all I know, they’ll pull a Legend of Zelda and have you fight “Dark Cloud” at some point before merging. 

The second timeline with Zack surviving the Last Stand will probably impact this. If they don’t merge the timelines at this point, then I think that will have some sort of play in this - either the timelines will need to merge, and Cloud will have to “become one” or the “fix” will be reversed prior to Aerith’s death and the timelines will realign naturally. 

The Nibelheim reactor scene will follow closer to what happened in Crisis Core, but keep the “Mom... Tifa.... my home....” line from OG. I think they may build on this and make it more emotional. 

AFTER Cloud remembers Zack and after he’s “whole” again, Zack will probably pop in too, and so will Aerith. I think if they’re going to change anything and create an “alternate ending” it would be what happened in AC. So, here’s where Zack and Aerith will give him a bit of a pep-talk. 

The reunion with Cloud and Tifa will be more emotional and definitely awkward on Cloud’s end. Anybody who was hanging around at this point will disappear. Most likely you’ll get a hug from Tifa. I’m not sure if she’ll call him a “stupid jerk” since it wouldn’t fit her Remake character very well.

They’ll hold hands going back up. They’ll wash up on shore. Now, here’s where I don’t know what way they’ll go. There was apparently supposed to be a scene where Tifa had to give Cloud CPR (think Junon) because he’s not breathing when they come back up. This would definitely add drama...

I think they’ll wash up and wake up before the rest of the party finds them. Then they’ll have the rest of the party show up. 

The scene where he talks to everybody will be expanded on. I don’t think Tifa is going to say “You sure are messed up Cloud.” I think it’ll be a more caring line to fit better with how they’ve characterized Tifa in the Remake so far.

Overall, I think the party will be more supportive and you’ll have more dialogue here. Shit, you may even get a Barret hug. 

I think Barret will be very flighty like he was in OG, but have more faith in Cloud during the whole thing. 

Cid will still be a dick. 

Time for the Highwind Scene

Well, due to the nature of this scene, I think that’s why it’s so anticipated. However, this is a T rated game... (unfortunately)... so expectations will probably be on FFX Lake Macalania level. This is really going to be dependent on how extreme or not extreme the ratings board in Japan and the US are at the time. I don’t think, unlike in the past, they cut chunks of game out if one doesn’t approve it. They probably consult with the major countries where they expect a large amount of sales. It was easier to change dialogue and character reactions back in the day. Not so much anymore.

So let’s get to it...

Cloud’s speech telling the party they should go tie up any lose ends will be expanded on. I’m going to be honest, I think anytime you solely had Aerith mentioned at this point in the game, you’ll also have Zack mentioned... I think Zack will have a much bigger part in Remake than he did in OG, and Cloud and crew will see him and Aerith as a team at this point. I could be totally off on this, but I would like to see more Zack and show that both Aerith and Zack were important to Cloud in a big way. I say this because she’s mentioned here in an odd way (”To release her memory”, which I believe the Japanese text is different... as always with OG). I do not think this diminishes Aerith’s importance at all. I think it shows that she DOES have support within the Lifestream, and they’re just touching on that.

The crew will file out and say bye. You’ll be left with Cloud and Tifa... I think you’re going to have more while in the Highwind. They’ll build it up and make the tension unbearable between the two. Remember, at this point, Tifa has already found out all that’s in Cloud’s subconscious... so... they’re going to be awkward up to this point anyway... 

Then they’ll go outside. The conversation will have more to it, but will still follow a similar flow. You’ll still have Tifa’s line.

There won’t be a high and low affection scene. You’re going to get one scene here, and it’s whatever the devs feel is the correct scene. My guess is the high affection (like 99% sure here), since it’s the one that’s referenced the most and makes the most sense after The Lifestream. People will also riot if we don’t get “Words aren’t the only way to tell someone how you’re feeling...”

So it’s not gonna fade to black after that. I think part of the goal of Remake is to make things crystal clear with parts of the story that were being heavily argued about... this being one of them.

Cloud is going to bravely approach her - him closing the distance like she did in Part 1. 

You’ll get some cuteness. You’ll get a song. You’ll most likely get a kiss. Then it’s going to pan up, fade to black, and may show quick scenes of the rest of the party seeing their loved ones...

I think they’ll hang out there for a while - seeing the stars and all. 

At this point, Barret, Cid, and Red come back... but Cloud and Tifa don’t know. I think they’ll see the kissing/cuddling action... and then they’re gonna see them head inside....

I’m not sure if they’ll show immediate reactions here - but they have to react at some point, it’s hilarious in the OG, and I think they can make it even more extreme after some of the lines that were used during Wall Market...

So here’s where I’m really unsure of how they’re going to go. I know some folks think they did and some folks think they didn’t. I don’t think it takes away from the scene either way - so this is one of the rare times I’ll say it’s up to player interpretation.. My opinion is... it might be the end of the world, so my guess is, they were gonna find away to get down. 

In the OG, it’s implied that something happened UNDER the Highwind. My favorite video about this is Maximillian Dood talking about getting bruises on the rocks. 

I don’t think they’re going to stay Under the Highwind. I think they’ll go inside. 

So the question is... will there be a Chocobo Stable scene, like what was proposed in the OG? Will there be cabins on the Highwind? I think when we get the Highwind, whether or not it has cabins will be a hint. 

I would find it really funny if they have them go ham in the Chocobo stables. If they do the Chocobo Stables, the Chocobo in the stables will always say “....” when you go in there with Cloud or Tifa.

I’m not sure if they’ll do that or something a bit more... romantic? If they do, you may get a bare shoulders under a sheet scene. THIS IS HEAVILY DEPENDENT on the ratings boards. They were able to do it in Xenogears in 1998, and some of the stuff they approve vs what they get their panties in a bunch over seems to change with the generations. 

Whether or not you see anything, they’re going to confirm it through jokes. Your party IS going to comment. They ARE going to know something happened, and each one will have a hilarious comment. Tifa is going to be really embarrassed... like in OG, but Cloud will actually try to comfort her this time.

Overall, this scene will be much harder to twist if you actually play it and listen to the dialogue... 

So those are my crazy thoughts. Maybe I should write a Fanfiction or two. 

[geekgirles]

A Scorned Lover

This is an analysis on Creek’s character in @tipolover22 ‘s fanfic Betrothed (an Arranged Marriage! AU). Please, keep in mind that this analysis contains important spoilers of the fic, so if you haven’t read it, I’d suggest you do it before reading this. 

And with that, let’s begin.

The reason behind this analysis is, basically, that I love writing papers on characters with complex personalities, hidden intentions, and twisted reasons for their actions. And @tipolover22 ’s depiction of Creek in Betrothed has potential for all those points.

If you’ve read Betrothed (which I’d recommend you do before reading, since it’s not going to be spoiler free), then you’re certainly aware of Creek’s role in the story. The simplest way to describe his character so far would be “love rival”, or as Branch put it in chapter 10, “ […] He was made for the sole purpose of being a pain in his arse.”

Of course, if it were that simple, I wouldn’t be doing an analysis on his character, as much as I love a good love triangle (especially when I know for sure which pairing is going to be endgame). 

So let’s dive in into Creek’s portrayal, shall we?

To understand a person’s motivation, we must know their past, the reasons that once forged said motivation.

In Creek’s case, he had everything he could’ve ever dreamed of before the arrival of the Forest trolls: he was a valued member of Troll Village, he had a close bond with the Snack Pack, and, most importantly, he was Poppy’s one and only. His life could not be better.

But that all changed the day Poppy agreed to marry Branch. 

Judging by the flashback from chapter 3, not even in a million years could have Creek imagined losing Poppy to someone else, even if that someone else was, at that point in time, the rest of the Valley Kingdom. And I’m saying this because in the previous chapter, that is to say, chapter 2; the Rainbow trolls seemed to be aware of the upcoming royal wedding, even if they weren’t sure if it was true or not. Creek was also aware of it, but he never connected the dots about Poppy marrying someone else–in spite of the dire times they were facing–, until she broke the news to him herself.

Denial or obliviousness? Only time will tell.

It’s easy to understand why he’s so bitter towards Branch, even at the beginning of the story. 

However, the thing is, he was never disrespectful towards Branch up until chapter 10. No. Every time they interacted Creek treated Branch with relative respect. Even if their interactions were enough to make Branch dislike him based on what the guru talked to him about.

So you might be wondering, if Creek had just lost the love of his life to someone who didn’t even treat Poppy fairly, then why didn’t he show signs of hostility before?

If you ask me, I believe that is because he thought he still had Poppy’s heart until she told him to move on. The one time he showed disdain towards Branch before that was when he told Poppy “He doesn’t deserve you.” Back in chapter 7.

And back then, as painful as it is to admit, he was right. Branch didn’t deserve Poppy then. He was rude to her, he ignored her, he never tried getting along with her, not even once. Of course Creek would be ticked off at the sight of losing his beloved to someone who didn’t value her half as much as he did!

But why didn’t he confront Branch about it? I have several possible reasons, in fact.

This one is obvious; if he ticked off Branch, especially pre-character development Branch, he was in for a world of pain.

He still had a façade to maintain. If he let it drop, he could lose credibility among the village, and with Poppy, pretty quickly.

This is where my mind goes crazy: because, maybe, he believed that if Branch and Poppy never got along, then she would either ditch her husband for him, or ask for a divorce. Either way, Creek wins.

Based on that last theory, as frustrating as it was to witness his love interest in a marriage that didn’t lead anywhere, it was exactly what he needed to get Poppy back! As I see it, Creek was patiently buying his time until the day came that Poppy couldn’t take it anymore, where he’d step in to sweep her off her feet one more time.

What he didn’t count on, however, is that, not only Branch would actually try to please Poppy for the sake of their marriage, but that he, too, would fall in love with her, hence, becoming active love rivals. 

And if we add to the equation that Poppy was warming up to her husband as well… Things certainly spiraled out of control for Creek.

The foundation of my theory is actually Creek’s last line in chapter 13: he expected a divorce, maybe even a war. Whatever it took to have Poppy back. 

(This isn’t written down word by word, but you get the gist).

Having Branch as a love rival made things all the more exasperating for the guru. The possibility of never getting back together with Poppy was now more tangible than ever! Which led to him becoming some sort of antagonist, although I believe he is still far from being the fanfic’s Big Bad.

Ever since Branch fell for Poppy and did his best to make her happy, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Creek, his world started to crumble little by little. And the day Poppy actually refused to kiss him (chapter 13), he was finally forced to see the truth, even if Poppy didn’t know it yet, he had lost her forever. She was no longer his, but Branch’s.

Unfortunately, that realisation has only made him more bitter, instead of allowing him to let go.  

As of chapter 19, Creek’s negative emotions had finally caught up to him, beginning to consume him. Now he’s as grey as he feels. And his feelings for Poppy have become a double-edged sword. 

He now uses what he knows about Poppy as leverage against Branch, knowing of the consequences the prince’s actions could bring to his marriage. And even if he can no longer have Poppy, watching the one “responsible” for his distress losing everything, everything that once was his, is enough for Creek.

But, despite all this, I still believe hope for Creek is not lost. 

Despite the trouble his actions have caused for Poppy and Branch, he’s portrayed as being almost as much of a victim as the royal couple. 

It was explicitly mentioned in chapter 19 that Creek has got abandonment issues originated from growing up as an orphan because his and Cybil’s mother had them too late in her life. Given that established character trait –which I’d bet my right arm he hasn’t shared with anyone besides Cybil or, perhaps, another close friend of his–, I’d say it is safe to assume that is exactly what he’s going through when it comes to his current situation.

He feels Poppy abandoned him, instead of realising there’s nothing else she could’ve done to keep her people safe and her relationship. But because Poppy is still the object of his affections, he blames Branch for his misfortune as a result of his bitterness and jealousy.

This is a very deep portrayal of Creek, if I may say so myself. And one whose roots make a lot of sense.

The two times in his life he’s been “abandoned” were because of reasons that were out of his control: his mother’s declining health and the predators from the forest.

In Creek’s eyes, he’s not at fault for anything! Then why must he be the one suffering?! And, to be honest, till chapters 10-11, he was right; losing Poppy wasn’t his fault. He shouldn’t have had to suffer like he did.

What I’m trying to say with this is that his portrayal hints on a future redemption. Of course, I could be wrong. I don’t know when it’ll happen, how it’ll happen, or if he’ll do something selfish, and stupid, and horrible before he finally sees the error of his ways (perhaps that’ll be this universe’s version of his betrayal?). But I do believe he’ll change for the better, maybe even with a certain Glitter troll by his side ;)

Guess we’ll just have to wait and see what @tipolover22 has in store for us. And I, for one, can’t wait ;)

[shrinkyclinksfest]

Shrinkyclinks Fest 2020 Master Post

Here are all the creations for this years Shrinkyclinks fest! Thanks again to everyone who participated in any capacity. We hope you enjoy these works! 

Title: in loyalty, love endures Author: coldwinterrose @jynladyofstardust Rating: Teen and Up Wordcount: 6641 Prompt #: 58 Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Summary: As Steve’s mother fades away from an unknown illness, he realizes there’s only one chance to save her: a magical fruit which is rumored to grow at the top of the mountain that boarders his village.

He’s determined to get the fruit to save her, even if it means facing the monster that’s supposed to be guarding it.

But fate has something more in store for Steve. Link to fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507995

Title: At the End of His Rope Artist: @call-me-kayyyyy Rating: E Medium: digital Prompt #: 44 Warnings: Explicit Content Summary: Porn star AU where Steve is a seasoned actor who loves bondage and Bucky is the new guy hurting for money. Link to work: Full NSFW version Here

Title: Tryin’ to bring your dreams to life Artist: HeyBoy Rating: Gen Medium: Digital Prompt #:5 Warnings: None Summary: Learning how to ice skate Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23513725

Title: When the Earth Begins Again Author: @real-live-angelface, real_live_angelface on AO3 Rating: T Word count: 18k Prompt #: 8 - Good Omens AU Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Summary: Steve and Bucky, of Heaven and Hell respectively, have gotten pretty attached to Earth. So it comes as a great shock when they find out that it’s all about to end. Heaven and Hell are amassing their great armies yet again. The Four Horsepeople have been summoned. Everything is going according to the Big Plan…except for the fact that the Antichrist isn’t cooperating. You know, because of that pesky Free Will thing. Can Earth’s resident ethereal-occult tag team find a way to help the Antichrist stop Armageddon before it’s too late? Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23529748/chapters/56433604

Title: And I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye. Author: digthewriter | @stevedigsbucky Rating: NC-17 Word Count: 20,000 wc Prompt #: 93 for FIC from the 2019 Fest. Fake relationship. Steve needs a date to some function to get his friends off his back about dating. Enter Bucky. by @bangyababy Warnings: There’s a minor plot twist. Otherwise, none, really. AU. Summary: Steve doesn’t want a date to this party, but he kinda needs one. Only because he’d like to tell his ex to go drown himself. And then he ends up with a man named Bucky, and gets more than what he’d bargained for. Fake relationship for the win! Link to fic: (READ ON AO3 HERE)

Title: Untitled Artist: @selphixx Rating: Gen Medium: Digital Prompt #: 58 Warnings: None Summary:  Steve absolutely needs a special medicinal flower/plant that only grows at the mouth of a cave that is rumored to be the home of a terrible monster. Bucky is that monster. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23468710

Title: Gradient Author: @neonbat666 Rating: E WC:  20,946 Prompt: 33: Guardian angel AU, where skinny steve is the angel for one winter soldier bucky barnes

Special Requests: would like if steve got hurt and had to show his wings to save bucky and bucky helping him recover maybe wingfic Prompted by Anon Warning: Blood, gore, mentioned torture, temporary character death Summary: Steve watched his charge, wishing he could do something more than whisper and pray. There came a day when he could Watch no more when he had to reach out and touch James’ soul and be heard.

Steve would risk everything, even falling, if it meant saving the man he’d overseen since James drew his first breath. He would fall into darkness if it meant bringing James to the light. Link: Gradient on AO3

Title: health insurance Author: glim Rating: T Wordcount: 3,555 Prompt #:55 (Sugar Daddy Bucky and reluctant sugar baby Steve.) Warnings: n/a Summary: Bucky wants to surprise Steve with coffee; god, he wants to surprise Steve with every single good thing ever in the world, but coffee is probably a better place to start this morning. Link to fic: health insurance @ ao3

Title: Maybe Knock First? Artist: @boparadise Rating: G Medium: Digital Prompt #: 38 Warnings: N/A Summary: Steve is a Canary - an army volunteer who’s sent into potentially dangerous areas to find out how bad it is. (If he lives, they’ll send in real troops. Canaries are disposable.) He’s sent into a compound rumored to house the Winter Soldier - they figure either it’s empty and Steve returns, or he’ll get shot and they’ll know where to attack. The Winter Soldier has no interest in killing such an obvious non-threat, but he’s not going to let him leave, either. Link to art: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23708410

Title: The Danger of Hope Author: Dibsanddabs (@teambuckaroo​) Rating: M Wordcount: 8854 Prompt #: 51 Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Summary:

“Do not underestimate the danger of hope, Mr Rumlow. People become unpredictable with even a sliver of it.” The Director looked away from the agent again. Instead he looked back towards the screen to see the cell door opening, a slight figure being pushed through into the cell. “Steven Rogers was trying to give them hope.”

-

In a world where Hydra rules, Steve Rogers has been helping in the fight against their tyranny. When the Winter Soldier starts to break his conditioning, The Director decides it’s time to take care of the problem. But will the asset be able to break Steve? Or will Steve break the asset instead? Link to fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23910550/chapters/57491284

Title: Close encounter Author: @chim-aceyliz Rating: T Wordcount: 1429 Prompt #: 38 Warnings: None Summary: Steve is sent into an officially abandoned base by some shady SHIELD agents who refuse to collaborate or tell him anything relevant, looking for... they didn't even tell him what he was looking for. Whatever they hoped to find in that base, it doesn't go exactly as they planned. Or: Steve is a Canary, the Winter Soldier is sneaky and this may not be the first time they meet - even if only one of them remembers it. Link to fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23937364

Title: The Veteran and the Veterinarian Author: @partlycharlie Rating: Teen Wordcount: 20487 Prompt #: 3 Warnings: panic attacks, PTSD, brief mentions of vomit Summary:

It runs forward again, aggressively butting its head against his right hand and digging its claws into his shin. His hand - flesh and bone, this time - twitches, but the sharp pain of the cat’s claws stops him from making contact again. “God, you’re a fucking weirdo, huh?” the Asset murmurs, flipping his hand over so the cat can sniff at his fingers. Immediately after, he looks at his hand suspiciously - how did he know to do that? - but before he can think too hard about it he feels something like sandpaper scraping itself against his hand. The cat is licking his finger.

Link to fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23940103/chapters/57572284

Title: Snowed In Author: @dyslexicsquirrel Rating: Teen Wordcount: 5890 Prompt #: 30 Warnings: A/B/O Summary:

At 16, Steve Rogers knew two things: Bucky Barnes was his best friend and that he loved him.

At 24, he hadn't talked to Bucky since the day before he moved to Colorado after his mom died and he thought he never would again, even when he moved back to New York City.

Except Bucky showed up at his door and Steve ran to his parent's old cabin up state. It was probably a stupid idea to go for a walk when there was a storm threatening--he did it anyway. The last thing he expected when he got stuck in the worst snow storm that year was for Bucky to show up and rescue him, but maybe he should have because the alpha had been saving his ass since Steve was ten.

Link to fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23942170/chapters/57577309

[1001galaxies]

Commentary on Netflix’s Cursed: Episode 2

Edited for language, because I have a few younger/more sensitive readers.

THE MONK SPEAKS. HOT DIGGITY DANG.

Well, DAYUM again. The monk meeting Squirrel is delicious. The LOOK in Daniel's eyes. The staging and lighting. A+

“Born in the dawn.” “To pass in the twilight.” I burst out laughing so hard. The cheesiness. But also. When it's DANIEL SHARMAN SAYING THE FIRST LINE, I mean. I M E A N.

Just watch, that’ll be the new 'may we meet again'.

Squirrel is a discount version of Blue from King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, but he's cute, so that makes up for a lot. And he does have some decent lines so far. “Do you hate them because they're so beautiful and you're so ugly.” “Even your horse is ugly.” “And I love horses.”

But, hang on, his line: “You're so ugly.” *looks at Daniel Sharman* *looks at Squirrel* *looks at Daniel* *blinks* Ah, kids.

Dang, they really do give Nimue every single flippin YA teen girl trope in the world, from both fanfic and traditional fic. Wow. That's impressive, even by my standards.

Joss: “Get up you murdering pig...tie him up...I think we've caught the big killer.” Me: You haven't caught anything, and if you think you have the upper hand with the MONK? Oh honey, you poor deluded fool.

Joss: “Ever been dragged by a horse with a hot coal up his bum?” Monk: “Not that I can recall.” Me: Dang, HIS VOICE. Me: Secondly, there are better ways to motivate horses than that, excuse you.

Monk: “I've got no interest in the boy. He's bait.” Joss: “Bait for what.” Me: Oh yeah, here we go, awriiiiiight. Monk: “For YOU.” *kicks Joss*

Who cares that Daniel is the bad guy, he's the only interesting one. Hot DANG, that roll over the horse. HE'S FIGHTING WITH HIS HANDS BOUND. Gives a new meaning to 'hands tied' Also dang. And WHAT DID I SAY, JOSS. You got owned.

Monk: *kills five or six people with //his hands bound//* Me: Now that's what I'm talkin’ about. Me: Wait, he just killed innocent people. Me: Eh, he’s still the best character so far.

How does Daniel manage to sound sexy saying “go.”

Every SINGLE time we come back to Nimue: Me: okay, booooooring.

Obviously, they’re going with the traditional representation of Bors as a brash lout. Eh. Why.

Can I have Bors played by Tom Hopper, please. He was a good Percival, but I'd like to see him play a surprisingly FUNNY and GENTLE and SMART Bors. Twist the traditional representation.

Ah yes. Cursed: LOOK AT US, WE'RE SO ENLIGHTENED AND SUBVERSIVE AND DIFFERENT that we're going to have the guy save the girl the same way 90% of all fantasy saves occur. Much impressed.

I mean, TELL her, Arthur, yes please. She didn't think, that's the problem. She just reacted with the sword. I get she’s a teen, but come ON, why must every single teenager ever—male or female—react with impulsive emotion. Not every single teen in the world always reacts with emotion first.

Well, this heroine rant is like every other YA fantasy heroine guilt-trip rant I’ve ever seen. I get being sad and emotional and being guilt-stricken because of how events have fallen out, but really on the wording? Really.

Arthur: “And I'm not a cutthroat.” And his head tilt. That's cute. Arthur is genuinely likeable so far, which is /good/. Also nice to see the guy taking care of the girl solicitously for once instead of the other way around. I do appreciate that.

And here we have the OH SO ORIGINAL trope where the heroine was bullied as a child and 'oh you made the village boys pay romantic attention to you with your magic' backstory. REALLY. REALLY NOW. I'm absolutely positive I've got YA fantasy heroine bingo at least twice over by now.

Nimue’s mum: “When you were five years old, you faced a dark god alone in the ironwood and survived.” Bingo again.

Let's play a game called: how many times can this show throw out a Game of Thrones reference/imitation?

IRONWOOD. REALLY? REALLY. Here's the thing. a) Game of Thrones did this already and called it the Godswood, and if you think people aren't going to see what you did there, you 100% have another think coming. and b) THE LAST TIME I CHECKED TRADITIONAL FAE LORE, iron KILLED and/or BURNED fae. But THAT is what you unironically* called your SACRED WOOD THAT PROTECTS YOU???? *Only being 2 episodes in, maybe I'll find out later that it was/is an ironic name, but it suuuuuuure doesn't seem like it so far.

Nimue’s mum: “You are not some fragile maid, you are a warrior..." Me: She's going to say 'and you are strong'. Nimue's mum: "And you are strong." Me: See, this isn't even fun. There's no challenge to this. Also, YA fantasy trope bingo again.

Arthur: "It's a rare blade, I'm not sure I've seen its like." AT LEAST THAT is a decent line. Normally, they say “I've never seen its like” with this awed tone, but he's just factually observing. Cool, cool.

ARTHUR WITH THE SWORD. I'm going to be an Arthurian geek for just a minute and revel in this. I know there's more to this story. Much of it is dead boring. But I'm just going to enjoy this minute because //Arthur with the sword//.

I really did not expect to like this Arthur. He's nothing extraordinary yet, but he's fun. Without being a copycat of BBC's Merlin or King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. He's just a young knight (possibly a prince somewhere along the line??) who is genuinely caring, not super arrogant, and just a DECENT AND FUN GUY. So far.

Arthur: “I've seen a lot of lives wasted fulfilling the dreams of the dead.” YES? FINALLY? SOMEONE SAID IT? I'm here for this. Call out that fantasy trope that is all well and good in some doses but is basically THE FOUNDATION OF EVERY SINGLE YA FANTASY ARC EVER, and it's so annoying. Give us some VARIETY now and then.

Nimue to Arthur: “Spoken like a true mercenary.” No, spoken like the only sensible person in the show so far, Nimue, you twit.

AW YEAH. YOU TELL HER, ARTHUR. She's shrugging off everything you say AFTER ASKING FOR YOUR HELP. Geeeeez. It’s so annoying when people do that.

Arthur: “Get an hour of sleep.” Implied: Everything looks better after sleep + you’ll need your strength. Me, who hates sleep: I feel so attacked right now. ...But he’s right.

Merlin is TOTALLY fantasy Haymitch.

Veiled Lady: “You told us the sword of the first kings was destroyed. You lied.” Okay, so MAYBE Merlin's getting mildly interesting...but are they going to do a good job with it? DOUBTFUL.

Veiled Lady: "This affects all of us, not just you. The fae are on the verge of extinction." Um, THEN WHY EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT? Is this another ‘we can’t bend the rules of heaven for mere earthlings’??

Veiled Lady: “If the church acquires the sword of power, then they will decide who wears the crown. Have you forgotten the words?” Merlin: “Forgotten them? I WROTE THEM.” Me: Okay, that's a good delivery. Merlin: “Whosoever wields the sword of power shall be the one true king.” Me: And a nice mocking accent on that, Oooh yeah, I like. Merlin: “But I'm wiser now. There IS no one true king.” Me: Huh. Now see, that's slightly interesting. Give me more of that.

Pretty sure they told Gustaf to model his Merlin on Starz Camelot's Merlin, “but make him fun and drunken.” He's got that whole Fiennes vibe going on, but also definitely fantasy Haymitch. (Someone else on tumblr said Jack Sparrow, and I could see that one too, thought not as much yet. Where I am, Merlin doesn’t seem super keen on adventuring for the sake of adventuring. He has the bitter past and cynicism of Haymitch right now. Maybe he’ll get more Jack Sparrow-y as this goes on.)

MERLIN HAS NO MAGIC BECAUSE HE GAVE IT TO THE SWORD, okay, that right there is a GOOD element, and chock full of potential. Especially his bitterness. And his insistence that he won't touch the sword again. Are they going to do a good job of using it? Dollars to donuts, NO. Ugh.

Veiled Lady: “I sense fear around the sword. But also great power.” And here we have our Galadriel imitator. Dang, I need TWO more bingo cards.

Veiled Lady: “The sword is finding its way to you, Merlin, but which end of the sword, the point or the pommel, is another question.” Me: *snorts* Cute.

Merlin: "The sword was forged in the fae fires, and to the fae fires it shall return. I shall melt it back to its origins."

Let's play another game called: how many times can this show imitate LOTR?

Veiled Lady: "You are aware the fae forges burned out a thousand years ago?" Yeah, cause Frodo and Sam destroyed Mount Doom, guys, go read your history.

Veiled Lady: “Oh dear.” Veiled Lady: “Tell me you're not planning to steal from him. Without your magic.” Merlin: “I still have my wits and my charm.” Veiled Lady: “I fear you overestimate both.” Ahem, the lady has a point.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:

- Arthur is still interesting. That could change super quickly, but so far, I like him.

- The Monk is beautiful, and I'm so here for upcoming stuff I won't talk about, but also for his arc period and more interactions with Squirrel.

- Squirrel is cute, but nothing above the average so far. Still, better than almost anyone else on the show.

- Merlin has the potential to be intriguing, if only they use it.

- Obviously, I'm going to keep watching.

Footnote:

I saw spoilers today about the Monk’s arc, and I'm HERE FOR IT, so here, so beyond here for it, GIVE ME THAT RIGHT THE HECK NOW. IT'S THE ONLY REASON I HAVE ANY EXCITEMENT FOR THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW.

THE WEEPING MONK AS *SPOILER* I. CAN'T. FREAKING. WAIT.

[hoodie-lover]

My Multiverse Ask Event! #3

“UT sans why do you refuse to fight the human until they are level 19 in genocide route?”

“Because it is the only time it matters. Any other time I don’t have to worry about the world ending. If you were trapped in a world where nothing, almost nothing, you do matters, why do something that doesn’t matter? And I must say, the look on their face when I launched my first attack, and their faces afterwards, were worth it.” Sans said, smiling at the memory of their shocked face.

“Flowey if the human genocides you are aware they won't hesitate to kill you right? ps why not just pop up from the ground in the room with the human souls and take them?”

“I know. But I like watching everyone die, it’s funny as they try to stop an unstoppable threat, how they sacrifice themselves and whatnot. And if the human can beat Sans, Undyne, and slaughter almost every monster of all, why would the souls be able to do anything? Sure I could flee, but I am the Prince of the Underground, I’m going down with my ship.” Flowey said, his face appearing to be a mix of Asriel and his own before morphing back as he chuckled a sinister giggle.

“Frisk so your saying that your next reset will be a genocide if so is it because your possesses by chara or because your a bad person. ps if your possesed by chara during genocide why kill flowey knowing he is asriel? pps do you even make it to the surface after genocide?” “Chara is only there to make me remember my crimes, kill Asgore, and Flowey. And I’m not really a bad person per say, I’m just a kid having fun! And why would I return to the surface? The Underground is more fun. Asriel is dead, Flowey is someone new, and Flowey is pathetic.” Frisk said, smiling. “To all skeletons when you eat food where does it go? do you even have a stomach?” “We only eat magic-based foods so it is instantly absorbed. It just disperses and helps heal and stuff.” Papyrus said, making hand gestures to help explain it. “Error, when are you guys going to start looking for who Error once was? We can help! We know multiple versions of Error and many versions of his backstory to draw reference from. I'd start with G̵͈͇̙͖̰͇̠̥̱͍̅̿͌̀̋̄͛̇̽̒̄̿̄̑̈́̾͊̔̉̄͒̕ȩ̸̛̠̗͓̗̃̈́̏́͆̓̃̅̎͊̾̃̐͐̍̍͘͜n̸̢̢̛̲̬͎̱̘͍͎̗̯̘̭͉̦̓͗̓̓͂̀̈́̀͜͠͝͝ơ̵̢̗̼̳̥̞̱̺̭̠̅̐̐̾̽͋̋͐́̍͊̈́̈́͘͠. Trust me.” “What? We didn’t hear what you said.” Error stated, sipping some hot chocolate. Mini marshmallows danced on the surface. “Well, since you apparently can’t say who to start with, I guess we have no where to start from.” “How about we look at the timelines? Talk to the voices and see how long Error was there and what timelines had separated before and after then.” Horror said and Nightmare shrugged. “Sure.” In the Creator Realm, Maxie, Zack, Beatrice, Jana, and Jack were listening. “We all know it’s Geno right?” Maxie said and they nodded. “How about we drag this out? Make them suffer!” Jack said, and for once, Zack agreed. “It would be funny, just as long as they learn the truth eventually.” Zack said, earning a sadistic grin from Maxie. “Yay! I wonder if we can get some help in leading them astray?” Maxie said, calling over to the group asking the questions. “Wanna help us drag this out?” She asked. “UT sans when are you going to tell papyrus about resets?” “I already know. Though I have asked Sans the same question many many times.” Papyrus said, giving Sans a dirty look. Sans had come back from his sentry station for lunch. “You’d forget! Just because you know doesn’t mean you’ll remember. I’d figured out it was possible while looking through scans and other old work I look through every day. Plus knowledge of the multiverse helps.” Sans said, “I actually did tell you once, but it crushed your spirit. I didn’t want you to lose what made you, you. and I had a support group so I wasn’t handling it alone like I used to.” Sans said, Papyrus sighed in response. “UT sans how do you manage to put 29 hot dogs on a person's head and why not 30 hot dogs?” “Why not 28?” Sans said, and Papyrus groaned. “Ok ok I think we have embarrassed the boys enough, for now.... Dream any stories from your brothers past he would rather his boys not know about?” “YES!” Dream cried out and Nightmare tried to silence his brother, but he was tackled, bound, and gagged on the ground before he could make a sound. Everyone listened to Dream intently. “Nightmare, in the early days of our village’s founding, had a girlfriend.” Dream said, Nightmare thrashed on the ground as everyone gasped “Who?” Cross asked, eyes wide as he heard Chara snicker and make faces at Nightmare. “I don’t remember her, we didn’t really talk all that much, but what I do know is that,” Dream donned the smuggest and most evil smirk as he gave his brother a wicked glance, a twisted smile on his face. “Nightmare, lost his virginity to her.” Dream said and everyone went nuts. “Did he top?” Horror asked, and Killer laughed. “Was she a virgin too?” Dust cried out, looking at his struggling father. “She wasn’t, and I think he bottomed based on what he told me.” Dream said, genuinely puzzled. “So, how old were you?” Error asked, Dream thought about it. “We didn’t know at the time, as far as we’re aware, right now, we’re about 1200 years old, and the village was around for about 1,000 years, but she was about a young adult, maybe 20 or so.” Dream said, looking at his brother for confirmation. Tears were streaming down Nightmare’s face and Dream took pity on his sibling. “There, there, I only have one more to tell.” Dream said, picking up Nightmare and placing him on his lap as he cuddled him. “What’s the story?” Fresh asked, he was mostly silent but he was curious. “Nightmare’s first time drunk.” Dream said, and Nightmare froze as he tried to run away. “Nope.” Dream said, keeping Nightmare in place easily. “One day, I was given a present by someone, I don’t remember who they were. Nightmare girlfriend, Lily was her name, had long passed away by this point. They broke up but remained friends. It was a bottle of whisky, hardcore whisky.” Dream said, “Like Blue’s signature drink spiker.” Dream said and Blue gasped. “I do not spike drinks!” Blue said, huffing. “Sure.” Dream said, rolling his eyes as he continued. “Anyway, I wanted to share the gift with Nightmare, as I always did. I even broke apart, remade and regifted presents I recieved to Nightmare to make him feel better. So we drank the entire thing, Nightmare having most of it.” Dream said, clearly embarrassed. “If we had known, that night would have ended differently.” Dream told them. “Nightmare ended up singing a random song at the top of his lungs at the top of the tree. I was about to pass out most of the time. We never got drunk again, the hangover was bad.” “Ok back to embarrassing the boys, on a scale of 1 to 10 how cute is Error? this is for anyone that wants to weigh in on the Error cuteness scale. Also does he have glasses in this multi-verse and do they up his cuteness? Sorry Error you are my favorite!” “10.” Everyone said they had by this point released Nightmare. “I do have glasses, Nightmare gave them to me soon after they learned how bad my eyesight was, but I began to wear contacts when I started fighting with them.” Error said. “They were bigger and red versions of Harry Potter’s glasses, and they increase his cuteness to a solid twenty-six out of ten.” Cross said, smiling as Error blushed. “Oh I saw someone else mention how we know of many different Errors. I gotta say most of the Errors I have seen have been tortured horribly and are left in a pretty bad state. Are you sure you want to know where you came from? You can't ever go back to what you were before, and I don't want you to get hurt Error.” “I know. But, I want to know my story, I know I can’t go back, I know I have a Papyrus, Toriel, Alphys, Undyne, and all. But I never thought about it, and with the revelation that I’m an alternate timeline, I can dive a bit deeper. I know these people, and Killer, Horror, and Dust can help me. They know what it’s like.” Error said, “And I’m not asking to know about what you have put other me’s through, I can infer what you’ve done to them.” Error said, glaring. “Frisk, what do you think about the humans from other AU?s” “AUs? Do you mean, alternate universes? I was involved with many fandoms, so I know the term. Papyrus broke script last time, and Sans was acting odd a few years ago. Interesting. I must thank you, if I’m right, then I might be able to see my own handiwork again.” Frisk said. “Frisk, have you encountered Gaster yet? ps do you even know who Gaster is?” “I know who he is. Though he always disappears before I can say a word to him.” “Stretch, my tall orange jerk. How did you take the news that not only did Ink lie when he said the dark sanses took blue, but Ink was actually the one to take him and do some pretty bad things to our sweet little blueberry? What about when Ink had Dream hurt blue to keep him crashing? And how are taking Blue being more like Error now?” “I was mad, I wanted to kill him with my own hands. I let myself be fooled, and I can’t even blame myself half the time! I was just so powerless. I’m glad he’s dead.” Stretch said, grumbling as he blew out a puff of smoke. “I was ready to dust Dream right then and there, but Blue held me back. And the yellow squirt’s apology was overwhelming. I could barely go a day without a text or in-person apology, and when he finally earned my lack of distrust, we haven’t talked since aside from the occasional ‘hello’. And Blue had it worse.” “It took awhile for me to get used to Blue’s glitching. Sometimes he crashed and rebooted, those were scary and they still are. Error helped Blue and I adjust, helping us figure out Blue’s glitching triggers. Stress being a big one. I’m grateful for his help, though I may not like him.” Stretch said, lighting another cigarette. “And now the most important question ever asked... Who wants to join the Error protection squad? I'll make badges!” “ME!” Blue cried out, eyes glowing big and blue as he smiled. “Don’t forget about us!” Cross said and Error sighed as he buried himself in his outfit as everyone announced how they would join. “It’s ok Error. I’d defend you, but I don’t need a badge.” Dream said and Error smiled, he was glad his family would defend him. He felt safe, and he felt loved. “What is the worst timeline or version of this universe any of you have ever experienced? I mean, this is a multiverse. What are the darkest reaches of it?” “Aside from our own personal trauma, I think it was one of those torture AUs.” Nightmare said, and Cross snapped his fingers, realizing what Nightmare meant. “Yeah, where the people exist only to be beaten and broken, no hope, no dreams, no reason and will to live. There’s also HorrorLustFell.” Cross said and everyone shuddered. “‘Nough said.” Dust announced and everyone nodded. “Frisk you know a genocide is technically impossible because you never kill annoying dog ps what do you think of annoying dog?” “The annoying dog doesn’t count, and I never get to Alphys or the people she evacuated either. And the dog is cute, I want to cuddle them.” Frisk said, their face looking like an innocent child’s instead of a mass murderer.

Formatting is off because of glitching in my word processor. I have it fixed.

Next

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[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael in the Mainstream: Midsommar

Hereditary is a really great horror film, one of the best of the past decade even, but it does have a major problem: a finale that is just laughably bad and almost derails the movie, culminating in a blatant ripoff of Rosemary’s Baby. Honestly though, it’s easy to forgive this minor fumble, because this was director Ari Aster’s first big film, and the rest of it is so good that I’m willing to give it a pass. What I’m not willing to give a pass is a follow-up that not only rips off quite a few much better horror films, but has less going for it to make it a little more acceptable.

Midsommar is a film that had a lot going for it. Aster really did get hopes high with Hereditary, and to this film’s credit, it starts out with a Hereditary-worthy gut punch, with an incredibly unnerving murder-suicide that kickstarts the plot and puts our protagonist Dani into a broken, vulnerable state of mind. It’s such a brutal, shocking opening, and in my opinion one of the most striking moments in the film. And there are plenty more! The scene where the cultists leap to their deaths from a cliff, the disturbing hallucinatory dream sequences, the ritualistic orgy, the reveal of the “blood eagle”… there is a lot of uncomfortable imagery to rival the decapitated head in Hereditary, and it is accompanied by some of the best cinematography and music you’re likely to see in modern horror.

But that’s the thing. This movie is just a bunch of really good, striking moments connected by some of the worst horror characters ever wandering around a super cliché cult village with no real substance to really keep you invested. I really did not like any of the characters at all. Christian especially stands out as being unrelentingly awful with how he gaslights Dani and basically treats her like garbage for the entire film, to the point that he eventually cheats on her in the most over-the-top fashion possible. The other characters are just really bland and forgettable; I forgot their names as soon as the film was over. And the villagers themselves don’t do anything to really stand out, save for resident seductress Maja. There’s not really a Lord Summerisle character leading the cult who is charismatic and played by a cool actor; all these cultists are just bland and interchangeable.

The plot and story too are really bland and derivative. You can easily predict the course of the entire movie as soon as things get going; there aren’t really any major twists or turns, aside from some of the shocking, gory visuals that show up infrequently. This film also liberally lifts from other horror films, with The Wicker Man and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre standing out as obvious films that this lifts elements from. This would be a lot more forgivable, as it was with Hereditary, if this was confined to maybe the ending, but it’s pretty much the entire runtime once they get to the village, and there’s just not anything new or interesting done with it. At least in Hereditary when they had all the naked demon-worshippers they chanted the name of a different demon other than Satan; here, they legit have a dude wearing another dude’s face as a mask grunting and groaning while he smashes another dude over the head with a hammer. Perhaps “rip off”is too strong of a word, but when there’s just nothing really interesting being done with these shout outs and homages, it’s hard not to feel like it’s just cheap insertions of stuff from movies I’d rather be watching - and I don’t even particularly like the original version of The Wicker Man.

I’m really hoping Ari Aster does something great next that isn’t lame or derivative, something closer to what he did with Hereditary, because I do think he has a genuine talent, and this film isn’t awful by any means; it’s more bland, average, and ultimately nothing to write home about than anything. I’m just a bit worried that Aster might go the way of Shymalan or, God forbid, Josh Trank, peaking with their first films and then steadily going downhill. Still, again, I want to make it totally clear this movie isn’t worthless or awful, and if you like good cinematography and unsettling atmosphere, maybe this will do more for you than it did for me.

I do think there’s enough value here to keep this from being in the same class as Slender Man or Smiley or The Tall Man, but this film is just missing that brilliance that made Hereditary so good. If you’re looking for anything that manages to combine interesting characters alongside atmosphere and cinematography and soundtrack the way Hereditary did, just skip this one and watch Hereditary again. It’s just a better experience overall, and hopefully what Aster can emulate with whatever he comes up with next.

[doshmanziari]

2019 Mega Drive Explorations [2]

A continuation of part 1. Click the link below the first entry to read more.

Alisia Dragoon (1992)

If there’s one strong commonality between my experiences of playing nearly all of these games, it’s that I really could do without most of the bosses (and fuck boss rushes). Less than two weeks since, I still have a bad taste in my mouth from how meanly Alisia Dragoon ratchets up its difficulty in its later levels, with enemy placement that, on an initial playthrough, half the time expects a supernatural level of anticipation, and a squad of bosses who just go on and on, requiring an absurd level of precision. I hate it! It’s a shame, because Alisia Dragoon has so much to (hesitantly) recommend it, maybe most of all its graphical splendors -- even the bejeweled HUD is fun to look at -- and topographically exciting level designs; the penultimate stage is alone memorable for being slanted at forty-five degree angles. Alisia herself is accompanied by four familiars who can be leveled up and have separate uses. It’s cute. Everybody wants to hang out with a dog-sized dragon. A minor detail I loved was venturing into seemingly empty nooks and crannies and finding that items did indeed reside there, waiting to manifest. I’d say that this is a Mega Drive title which anyone looking to explore the console’s library should give some time to, but I also understand if the same people give up on it. There’s no good reason to endure the last stage’s nightmares.

Cadash (1992)

Although it’s missing some stuff that’s present in the earlier arcade and TurboGrafx-16 releases -- notably the the priest and ninja classes -- Cadash on the Genesis remains the delightful, finely sized dungeon crawler it ever was. The game has a predictable structure of progression where you move from village to dungeon, find a key, access the next village, and so on. The most recognizable point of comparison might be The Adventure of Link. There are enough twists and bits of humor to make the game pop where it needs to, whether it’s shrinking in size to access the interiors of dwarf village, speaking to a dog who is lamenting their dead owner, or a bestiary that includes potbelly dragons and waddling heads made of rock. Happily, the music is no exception to Taito’s trend of having strange soundtracks for its 80s and 90s releases (Toshiko Tasaki is listed as the composer, but that’s in the capacity as an arranger for the Genesis version; the original composer remains uncredited), and it plays a big part in making the atmosphere feel a little more off-kilter than screenshots may suggest. Unlike the arcade version, the Genesis release has no timer -- an exclusion I don’t mind when it’s the sort of game where I just wanna bop around and level up. My dream is that this is re-released on the TurboGrafx-16 mini with online co-op functionality.

Mystic Defender (1989)

The truth is that all videogame development is “troubled.” Sometimes it’s just more obvious within the product itself, and I think that may be the case with Mystic Defender, which comes across as a game that was half-finished and suddenly needed to be stretched out to meet a quota for playtime and avoid going over budget. The first two stages, a forest and shrine with slight Japanese influences, look fine and excellent (respectively); the third goes the Giger-esque route, and while the tiles don’t quite fit together, and it’s a curious progression after stage one and two had a sort of continuity, the trope always has some gross-out appeal. Everything after this is either asset recycling or so vaguely themed that it’s impossible to care about what you’re seeing or know where you are. Any of ‘em could be the finale. The actual final stage gave me flashbacks of Tiertex’s Strider II, whose last stages have you walking around big boring mazes of flat long paths and hoping that the direction you’re going is the right one. Overall, promising and disappointing. Everyone reading this should, at minimum, check out the epilogue for the most hilariously formal congratulatory text I’ve ever seen in a videogame.

Mazin Saga: Mutant Fighter (1993)

Geez. If any Mega Drive title exemplifies boss-related bullshit, it’s Mazin Saga: Mutant Fighter. Adding onto the frustration is that there is a potentially stand-out beat ‘em up here. I think what will first strike most people is how good this game looks. There’s a fluidity to sprites’ animations that has to be seen to believed, palettes are used expertly for ambient effect, and the backgrounds usually make an effort to catch your attention, subtly or dramatically. Your person (or... suit of armor?), Mazinger Z, has a handful of attacks that are satisfying to use, like a flurry of sword strikes if you mash a button, or an aerial attack that’s done in tandem with horizontal jumps; and if the total type of opponents is limited, they’re at least behaviorally distinguished. What singlehandedly makes Mazin Sager miserable are its bosses, whether you’re preemptively contending with them as a human-sized figure (sometimes in sections where a single screw-up can cost you a life) or taking them head-on as a giant version of yourself. The latter are presented as a fighting game, and, early on, are easy and formally ambitious enough for you to forgive their clumsiness and mechanical simplicity; after all, not many beat ‘em ups switch their genre for bosses. Around stage three is likely where you will start to see the A.I. input-read and generally fuck you up. As a giant, you have a couple of moves that do damage greater than the other four or so, but the windup and spacing they require (not to mention complicity on the A.I.’s part) make them impractical, meaning that you are basically forced to do as much damage per hit as you can see in the second screenshot. Meanwhile, bosses deal way more damage, can do nonsense like interrupt your aerial attacks with lows, execute screen-wide dashes that have no frame disadvantage, and culminate in a boss rush which ends with a devil who gave me significant trouble even with the help of save states. Never again.

Two Crude Dudes (1992)

I was glad to have my baseless assumption about this being a one-note Meme Game be, well, baseless. Turns out, Two Crude Dudes is one of the better beat ‘em ups I’ve played. There are very few cheap shots, stages are brief and don’t wear out their welcome, you’re given a pretty fair amount of time to respond to oncoming opponents, and only a couple of bosses left me scratching my head about how to avoid taking damage. Also you can throw like EVERYTHING and it’s so fun. There was a stage two encounter where I was like, what the heck, when does this end, and then I realized that you could, and needed to, throw an aircraft that kept reappearing, and it was then that I knew that this was a good game. A similar epiphany happened much later on when I discovered that tanks are throwable if you mash the button. The soundtrack is kind of forgettable percussive- and bass-heavy funk-rock, but energizing in-game, and sometimes has a strong instrumental resemblance to the Genesis games that utilized Hitoshi Sakimoto’s Terpsichorean driver. A general criticism is that this is a pretty plain looking beat ‘em up, and the post-apocalyptic setting seems to have restrained rather than facilitated creativity.

[willow-salix]

The Seven Basic Plots and how they work.

OK, so this subject is a little controversial, and many will argue the points made, but I thought I would include it, because when I was taught them, they made perfect sense and helped the whole class to identify with the type of story they were actually writing.

This is a really important thing to discover, probably even before you start to plot out your book, because knowing the type of story, and the general structure that they usually take will make the actual construction of your story, so much easier.

The theory goes that there are only ever seven basic plots for stories. 7 in the entire world! They say that any story you can think of will fall into at least one of these categories, though more often they are a mixture of two, three or even more.

The plots are

- Overcoming the Monster

- Rags to Riches

- The Quest

- Voyage and Return

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- Rebirth

- Comedy (in which they have included Romance)

- Tragedy.

Now, lets look at them in more depth.

Over coming the monster. This may have you conjuring up visions of a snarling beast looming over a fair maiden who is swooning and screaming for her knight in shining armour to come and save her.

And while that’s fine, if your story is going that way, if you do have a physical monster that is terrorising villages, you do you, dude, but as a plot it’s much broader.

Monsters can take many forms, from a physical threat, a bad guy, an evil boss, and old enemy, an ex-partner or friend, or even something more symbolic like the badness of society or even mankind itself, an organisation, or a political party.

An overcoming the monster story, as with all of the plots, usually follows a formula, although it is easily moved around to make the story your own.

It starts with the creature itself tormenting and torturing its prey, so it could be the boss picking on the young, inexperienced intern, or a nasty teacher bullying the class.

Then comes the call, when the hero hears of this wickedness and comes to save the day. This could be someone in the office overhearing the nasty things said to the poor, sobbing intern, or one adventurous member of the class that decides enough is enough, this evil teacher must be stopped.

There will usually be a brief, first confrontation where the hero and the monster meet face to face for the first time.

There is often a period within the story that is referred to as the dream state, where everything seems to be going ok for our hero, this turns into a nightmare with another confrontation, which the hero shows every likelihood of losing.

And finally, victory, usually including a lesson of some kind which is designed to make the reader think about the moral of the story.

Rags to riches and comedy/romance will often be blended together. We will often see a small, insignificant individual who will step forward and become our hero. Like the nerdy best friend in a high school drama who turns out to be the perfect person for them all along.

Our unfortunate and reluctant hero will have been treated badly by those around them, family, friends, society and is often orphaned by at least one parent. This gives them some vulnerability and odds to overcome.

It is believed that Cinderella is the oldest rags to riches tale with thousands of known versions today, the oldest dating back to the 9th century.

The unfortunate hero is usually the youngest child, one that is shown during the story to be growing up and to mature.

There is usually a part of the story where there is some kind of crisis, where everything is going wrong, but in the end, everything will work itself out and change for the better.

This is often paired with romance because it’s a good formula, we as readers, like the thought of a humble hero being the one to get the love interest rather than the rich, arrogant rival.

Aladdin is a perfect example of both plots mixing together, an orphaned boy who steals to survive, getting his big break and meeting the girl of his dreams. But just when things seem to be coming up roses for Aladdin, he is knocked back down, having to find the guts and determination to keep fighting, clawing his way back to win the heart of the princess and defeat the bad guy.

The quest is often twinned with voyage and return.

No type of story is better known than the quest, some of our most beloved stories, like treasure island, lord of the rings and the holy grail are all a quest.

The story itself can take the form of a physical journey, where they hero is actually travelling from one place to another, or more of a mental journey, a voyage of self discovery if you will. Maybe one relating to their mental or physical help, self improvement or some other life goal.

When looking at the story the goals are usually pretty simple. Some fabulous treasure or mysterious mythical object, or they surround a homeward journey, be that a mental one of self discovery, back to the person you once was, or a physical one.

They often begin with the call to action, as many others do. A community in uproar, a lost treasure or even a missing person.

All quests begin with a sense of unease, a desperation which pushes them on, often the plot will also involve a time limit to make it feel tenser.

The hero will often have to leave their home and battle to find their way back, returning a better person than when they left.

These stories often involve companions of some kind who will travel with them or be picked up along the way and help them on their journey, their unique abilities making victory possible. This has a moral reason for happening, to show the reader than no one can triumph when they are alone or unsupported, trying to take on too much themselves, to not rely on others, or in the case of a more arrogant hero, thinking they don’t need help. There is no shame in allowing friends to offer a hand.

Sometimes the writer will pull a sneaky on their reader and have one of the companions actually work against the hero, instead being in cahoots with the enemy. This is a good way of involving a plot twist into the story, but it is one that has to be managed very carefully, it should not be obvious that they have been actively trying to cause trouble. It should come out of nowhere and completely blindside the reader, but, when they look back, there should be enough to make it true. It’s a hard one to pull off and it does require practice, but that’s no reason to avoid doing it if that’s how your story is worked.

Once the hero and companions have assembled, they will venture forth. Usually they will encounter their first scary or dramatic situation, entering unknown territory, facing a monster or even lack of resources or food. The possibilities in this, are endless.

Mystical intervention along the way is also a common theme, where our heroes will receive some much-needed help and advice which will save the day.

When the journey is almost over, when we think they will make it, comes the final ordeal. All is lost! Or so we think. But of course, the hero will overcome the odds and win the day.

A twist to this kind of story is the dark quest, and my personal favourite, where we see the dark, brooding anti-hero who seeks to destroy an object or person who is working on the side of good. just when it looks like darkness will overcome the light, he has his redemption.

I do love a sexy, anti-social man who needs kicking into shape, and I am usually just the girl to write them, but, enough about me, lets continue on to our last two plots.

Tragedy and rebirth are another two that are often partnered up for the sake of a story.

Tragedy comes in many forms, from the loss of a parent, a lover, a child, even a whole town or city, leaving the protagonist, our hero, as the only one left to deal with the situation.

They are obviously grieving, emotionally destroyed by the tragedy they have just dealt with, but they must soldier on.

Some stories just stick with the tragedy and refuse to have a happy ever after ending, which is fine, its your story and no one said it had to be a happy happy feel good book, but if you did want to give your hero something to strive for, some home, a light at the end of the tunnel, that’s where the rebirth plot is usually utilised.

We, as readers, love to see something good come out of a tragedy, we love to think that no matter how bad things get, there is always hope of something good just around the corner.

Rebirth stories are always popular. Think of a Christmas carol, with mean, skinflint Mr Scrooge meeting 3 ghosts who take him on a journey of self-discovery, where he will have to face up to the inevitable, if he continues as he is, he will die alone and unmourned by anyone.

He learns the error of his ways and wakes the next morning as a changed man, determined to do better for everyone around him.

So, there you have the 7 basic plots, and as I said before, although others may disagree, I believe they are useful to know and perhaps look at in more depth, especially if you have an idea for a book but are unsure on how to structure it.

Identify the type or types of story it is and then study the formula, fit it all together and get writing.

I once did an article explaining how the 7 basic plots all managed to fit into my book, Two Minutes to Midnight, before I even knew what they were. If you are interested in reading this article, let me know in the comments or DM me and ill get it up online for you all.

That’s all for today, so ill say blessed be and happy writing.

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[blogsmith57]

Movies Ansd Tv With Pina Colada Song

Movies And Tv With Pina Colada Song Rupert Holmes

Pina Colada Song Wikipedia

Escape The Pina Colada Song Video

Two Pina Coladas Song

Pina Colada Song Video

Janet learns the lyrics to the Pina Colada song. Janet learns the lyrics to the Pina Colada song. On the movie the sweetest thing who sings the pina colada song its a womens group?

In The Number Ones, I’m reviewing every single #1 single in the history of the Billboard Hot 100, starting with the chart’s beginning, in 1958, and working my way up into the present.

***

At least in retrospect, the ’70s must have been the wildest, most motley, most all-over-the-place decade in the history of popular music. Some genuine musical revolutions either started in the ’70s or matured during the decade: Hip-hop, punk, disco, funk, prog. But if you look at the ’70s through the lens of the pop charts, as this column does, you see excitement and tedium locked in a constant struggle for dominance throughout the decade, with novelty sneaking around the outside and getting some jabs in.

So really, the ’70s ended the only way they possibly could’ve done: With a badly-sung, infernally catchy soft-rock ditty, an infidelity-themed story-song that ends in an O. Henry twist. Rupert Holmes’ “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” has popped up on movie and TV-show soundtracks countless times in the past four decades; it has earned its place within our shared consciousness. And yet I can’t imagine ever being in a situation where I would actively seek the song out, where I would want to hear it. But then, I was three months old when the thing hit #1. Maybe I’m not supposed to know what motherfuckers were thinking.

Rupert Holmes, the man who wrote and produced “Escape” and who thus owns the chart transition from ’70s to ’80s, had been part of the pop-music dream factory for a decade when he got to #1. Holmes was born in the UK, the son of an American Army officer and an English woman. He spent the early years of his childhood in the English village of Northwich and the later years in the New York suburb of Nanuet. Holmes’ parents were both musicians, and Holmes went to the Manhattan School Of Music on a clarinet scholarship. Pretty soon after he finished school, he went to work as a pop-music professional.

Holmes was working as an arranger in the late ’60s when he joined the Cuff Links, an anonymous bubblegum group that also featured Ron Dante, the lead singer of the Archies’ “Sugar, Sugar.” When the Cuff Links broke up, Holmes recorded a song called “Jennifer Tomkins.” The single, released under the name Street People, peaked at #36. In 1971, Holmes wrote a cannibalism-themed joint called “Timothy” for the Pennsylvania band the Buoys, and that one peaked at #17. Holmes also wrote ad jingles and scored a little-seen 1970 Western called Five Savage Men. He was in the game.

Holmes released Widescreen, his solo debut, in 1974. Before 1979’s Partners In Crime, the breakout album that gave us “Escape,” Holmes knocked out four solo LPs. None of them sold, but those records helped Holmes build a name for himself as a writer of funny, irony-infused story-songs. Barbra Streisand was a fan, and Holmes wrote songs for her and for the absurdly popular soundtrack for the 1976 film A Star Is Born. Holmes didn’t score a charting single of his own until 1978’s “Let’s Get Crazy Tonight,” which peaked at #72. Private Stock, the label that released “Let’s Get Crazy Tonight,” went out of business when the song was still on the charts.

Holmes got the idea for “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” one night when he was flipping through The Village Voice, the newspaper that once employed me. (“Escape” is the second #1 hit built around classified ads; it arrived eight years after the Honey Cone’s “Want Ads.”) Inspired, Holmes hatched the narrative of a bored couple who, while attempting to cheat on each other, accidentally go out on a blind date with each other. As originally written, the chorus started with the line “if you like Humphrey Bogart.” While he was getting ready to record it, though, Holmes decided that his own songs had too many references to older movies, and to Bogart in particular. He changed “Humphrey Bogart” to “piña coladas” at the last possible minute simply because he didn’t want to let down any of the real Rupert Holmes heads out there.

If you stop to think about “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” for even a second, it’s a pretty nasty little song. The very first line is this: “I was tired of my lady/ We’d been together too long.” The song’s narrator is unhappy with relationship, but he doesn’t do anything to end it. Instead, he sneaks around behind his girlfriend’s back, falling for a sentence in a classified ad. The person described in that ad seems hopelessly basic. Likes: Fruity mixed drinks, rain, champagne, beach fucking. Dislikes: Yoga, health food. But apparently the guy is basic, too, since a few lines of small-print newsprint text are all he needs to ditch his relationship. He takes out his own ad, responding to the first, and he includes grandiose verbiage about planning an “escape.”

He does not successfully execute that escape. It turns out that the girl who took out that classified ad is his own girlfriend, who is just as bored with the relationship as he is. They meet up at an Irish pub and instantly figure out exactly what just happened. The song presents this ending as a happy surprise. In interviews years later, Holmes says that the guy was supposed to be an asshole, and a passive one. The girl, who is also attempting to cheat, was at least the one with the wherewithal to instigate the whole episode. Holmes was hoping that they’d both realize how much they had in common, that they’d recommit themselves to each other. This seems unlikely.

Movies And Tv With Pina Colada Song Rupert Holmes

I have questions. For instance: Where does this couple go from here? They both know that they can’t trust each other. They also know that they don’t really know each other. They’ve got all these completely elementary preferences that they haven’t communicated. After that initial rush of recognition, how does the rest of this relationship look? How long do they stay together? How are they not incredibly pissed off at one another from the moment they spy each other across the bar? How are they not, at the same time, both consumed with guilt upon getting caught? I don’t like this couple’s chances.

I don’t know if this is a good story, but it’s good storytelling. I don’t much like the characters or where they end up, but Holmes sketches out the whole narrative in a few quick words, never losing sight of his own melody. This doesn’t change the reality that the actual music behind this story is exactly the kind of wack-ass soft-rock pablum that I cannot stand. It’s got an awkward, clumpy beat that Holmes recorded with two drummers. (Holmes co-produced it, and he says that the studio band played sloppily that day, so he used the 16 bars he liked the best and looped them.) There’s watery piano. There’s a processed-to-death guitar lead. There’s a groove that can’t stop tripping over itself. And then there are those vocals.

Holmes isn’t a bad vocalist, exactly. He a classic ’70s singer-songwriter guy, a conversational speak-singer. But man, I do not like what happens when he cranks that voice up and hits the hook on “Escape.” The hook is, to be fair, instantly memorable. But this is not always a good thing. Holmes hits that upper register, and I just wish I was someplace else. I don’t even know how people functioned when this thing was all over the radio.

Holmes managed one more big hit after “Escape (The Piña Colada Song).” “Him,” the single’s follow-up, was another story-song. This time, Holmes sang from the perspective of a guy who figures out that his girlfriend is cheating. “Him” peaked at #6. (It’s a 4.) Holmes kept putting out albums into the ’90s, but none of them hit. He also went back to writing songs for other people. “You Got It All,” a ballad that Holmes wrote for the teenage Tongan-American Minneapolis-based Mormon family band the Jets, peaked at #3 in 1986. (It’s a 6.) Britney Spears, an artist who will eventually appear in this column, covered it on her debut album. Get ready to be incredibly depressed: Holmes wrote the song for his 10-year-old daughter. Before the song took off, she died of an undetected brain tumor.

I don’t know how you bounce back from something like that, but Holmes did. After “Escape (The Piña Colada Song),” Holmes has had more success as a storyteller than as a musician. In 1985, Holmes wrote The Mystery Of Edwin Drood, a Broadway musical based on an unfinished Charles Dickens novel. It won five Tonys, including two for Holmes. Since then, Holmes has written more than a dozen plays, many of them hits. He also created Remember WENN, a drama that ran for three season on AMC in the late ’90s, and he wrote all 56 of its episodes. He’s published a few books, too. The man can write, and the best thing about “Escape” is that you can tell that right away.

But Holmes is a whole lot more famous for “Escape” than for anything else he’s ever done in his life. He’s pretty funny when he talks about it, too. In a 2003 Songfacts interview, Holmes said this:

I have a feeling that if I saved an entire orphanage from a fire and carried the last child out on my shoulders, as I stood there charred and smoking, they’d say, “Aren’t you the guy who wrote ‘The Piña Colada Song?'”

Perhaps Rupert Holmes would like to escape “The Piña Colada Song.” So would I.

Pina Colada Song Wikipedia

BONUS BEATS: Here’s the scene from a 1999 episode of The Simpsons — the same storied episode that predicted the Trump presidency — where the not-aging-well future version of Bart sings a parody of “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” during his sister’s presidential addresss:

BONUS BONUS BEATS: Here’s the weirdly extremely memorable “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” needle-drop from the 2001 film Shrek:

BONUS BONUS BONUS BEATS: Here’s Kanye West, noted fan of the aforementioned Shrek scene, quoting “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” on “White Dress,” a song that he contributed to the soundtrack of the 2012 RZA-directed kung fu movie The Man With The Iron Fists:

(Kanye West will eventually appear in this column.)

BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS BEATS: Here’s the scene from 2014’s Guardians Of The Galaxy — which, like The Man With The Iron Fists, stars Dave Bautista — where Chris Pratt steals his Walkman back from the space-prison guard who is enjoying “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)”:

BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS BEATS: Here’s the great scene from a 2016 Better Call Saul episode where Bob Odenkirk sings a few bars of “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” and spouts some fake biographical facts about Rupert Holmes:

more from The Number Ones

Raised in Hawaii Jack Johnson was the son of a famed surfer and even tried to have a go of his own on the waves. Unfortunately an accident that involved teeth being knocked out and stitches being required kind of halted that dream as he was sidelined from surfing for a while. It wasn’t too long after that however that his musical talents started to become his thing and picked up a guitar and started strumming out a few songs that he’d thought up. He did this throughout college, joining a band and jamming as they performed here and there during their time together. Johnson’s big break came in 2000 however when he not only produced the soundtracks for a couple of films but he tried his hand at making them as well. You could easily say this man is quite talented but it might still be an understatement.

Here are a few of his songs as used in TV and movies.

5. Glee – Bubbletoes

Glee is one of those shows you either liked or didn’t think about. It wasn’t even a matter of not liking if it you didn’t watch it, as the energy and verve of the show was enough to make it interesting. But if you weren’t into the whole song and dance routine then chances are you wouldn’t dislike it but just wouldn’t watch it since the whole idea of not liking the show seemed kind of petty since it was so upbeat a lot of the time, or at least seemed like it. In many way Glee kind of took a lot of people back to their experiences in high school since there are quite a few people that can remember being in similar clubs.

Escape The Pina Colada Song Video

4. Sense8 – The Sharing Song

This show is something else and it was one of Netflix’s top prospects when it first came out. The ability to connect with people miles away due to a special quality that links them all, and the knowledge and skills that can be shared via that link is pretty cool, but it could cause some serious problems as well. You can’t help but think that some of the people that are connected would embrace this after a period of confusion, but others would seek to block it out since this is the kind of thing that humans would rarely ever be able to get used to since it’s not considered natural or normal.

3. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty – Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

Two Pina Coladas Song

Walter Mitty is a man that no one seems to take seriously since he’s kind of a nobody when the film starts, though he’s far more important than many people would care to realize. Working at Time magazine where he’s been for so long he’s been taken for granted and treated like a shadow on the wall since he’s a very quiet and unassuming person. But when an important negative for the last issue of Time goes missing he has to go and track it down by tracking down the photographer. In the end however he finds that it was with him the whole time, he just didn’t know where to look. The adventure he takes though is what was truly important as it finally got him to open up to the world.

2. Curious George – Upside Down

Several generations have grown up with Curious George since in truth he’s been around for a very long time. As a children’s story he’s one of the most classic tales out there and is the kind of story that you’d want your kid to watch since it’s a very touching and educational show that offers a lot of fun and engaging activity that kids will want to emulate. Sure George gets himself into trouble now and again, but that’s the beauty of the design. Kids can learn how they can get themselves out of trouble as well since George is all about having fun but he’s also about problem-solving. This is just a great show for kids and a bit of nostalgia for adults.

1. Jack Johnson – Middle Man

For all his talent and all his skill at music Jack Johnson is still a very diverse man since he’s not only a musician, but a father, a husband, and an environmentalist that spends a lot of his time balancing his life out between the different roles he’s given himself to play. So far in life it seems like he’s done just fine and has kept everything as it should be. He’s a very open person about his life in music, but keeps a lid on the private lives of his kids and family, which seems like one of the best ideas since quite honestly it’s no one else’s business. He’s definitely a family man and someone that cares a lot about what he does.

Pina Colada Song Video

Usually that’s the kind of person that knows just what they want and how to make it happen.

[italicwatches]

I Couldn’t Become a Hero, so I Reluctantly Decided to Get a Job - Episode 01

I regret nothing. …Well, I say that now. I’m not entirely sure if this show will be any good, but it’s one whose title has had me curious for a while. Will it be silly and fun, or will it, I don’t know, turn super rapey or something? You never really know when you go down this road. So join me, won’t you? it’s I Couldn’t Become a Hero, So I Reluctantly Decided to Get a Job, episode 01! Here we GO!

-We begin with fire and brimstone. A volcano erupting! And then, to a temple ruins! It’s a scene right out of an incredibly anime version of Jason and the Argonauts, as our armored hero fights against a batch of skeleton w…knights, only for a harpy to come swinging in! He’s saved by a woman…in…

-Okay it’s one of these.

-Because that wouldn’t even qualify as Sexy Samurai in a decade-old shitpost video. So our hero, Raul Chaser, is willing to rely onYUP THERE GOES HER ARMOR. So she’s like Darkness but without the joke that she’s into this kind of treatment. A small army of skeletal archers pour on the arrows…When lightning comes down from the skies, brought by their other companions! Fight, war, and reach the giant leading this army! Strike him down, and they pass the exam! The woman races in, sprints up the giant’s arm, rams her fucking sword into his EYE…

-And Raul backs her up with his RAUL SLASH, carving deep through…

-Hard cut to the light of day. The hero school has been shut down. Demon Lord got defeated(probably by some fucker from another world), sooooo they don’t need to keep training brave heroes. They’re all fucked. They’re fuuuuuucked.

-Episode 01: I Couldn’t Be a Hero, so I’m Working the Register

-Hard cut to the Leon Magic Shop, where Raul has to sell suburban couples on enchanted washing machines. Magically guaranteed to remove even the most stubborn stains! But they’re not interested.

-TITTIES.

-Meet a perky bubbly young lady, Nova, who does not realize how sexualized she is. I’m sorry. Anyways, Raul is in a bit of a bind, too, since he hasn’t gotten a raise and his credit card bill is coming up this week…When a nerd comes in looking for some vintage cassette tapes. You’re in luck, they have some…! And suddenly the store is mobbed by vintage audio enthusiasts here to buy out the entire stock. Then they’re gone as fast as they came…

-And you know what, I don’t think those tapes are super vintage. I just spotted totally-not-Kodak film behind the counter. I think this is just set in the 80s-90s equivalent of this world. Plus, after a hoodie-clad blonde comes in, the CRT television in the corner plays Conveniently Timed News about how the cassette maker I-ONE has gone out of business! They just couldn’t hold their own against cheaper, ‘good enough’ cassettes and equipment from the competition while still making a profit. It’s a legitimate tragedy whenever that happens.

-And the blonde is getting mad and wants them to get the manager right now…Which is when Nova runs off to handle inventory. Escape, Nova, escape while you can! So Raul is forced to do it…Which is when the blonde slams a resume down. And is here for an interview. When the blonde forgets the resume…And so Raul’s able to read it, and holy shit.

-Raul bursts into the interview room with the resume, because you cannot seriously be thinking of hiring the demon lord’s child, right boss? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?! You literally wrote it on your resume. W, Well, you’re supposed to tell the truth on those, aren’t you?! Anyways, busty lady boss has decided that Fino here will be joining the shop. It’ll be a good experience! Fino, Raul. Raul, Fino. Please get along.

-So soon Fino’s in the store, looking at all the stuff, and there’s some really cool things that humans have made. Like magicvision, and magic cassettes, and magic…You know what I’m just going to spoil it for you now. It’s 80s-90s level tech, made with magic. I’m not going to bother to specify anymore. It’s a fuckin’ TV, it’s cool that it works because of fairy dust or whatever but I’m calling it a TV. Anyways Fino never had a personal TV growing up in the Demon Castle, and is all oooooh and aaaah.

-Well, you know what else you didn’t have growing up in the Demon Castle? A broom. Get sweeping, rookie. …Yes sir! And then Convenient News comes back on to talk about the anniversary event for the demon lord’s defeat two years ago. Quick flashback, to how that day totally fucked Raul’s life. A young man, two steps away from a degree in a job that literally no longer existed overnight. His entire party was shattered. They’re stuck in dead-end jobs and with crushing college debt, and nothing to show for it except broken dreams and a bitter envy of those who actually benefitted from the changing order…

-…Damn. That’s…Damn.

-Eventually it’s later in the day, and Raul is continuing to struggle with getting Fino to, you know, work like a proper employee…Also shocking twist Fino has long lovely hair. And that’s when a rough, tough…Dirty old man comes in off his slick dragon-pulled hotrod. And he’s here to peek up Nova’s skirt and grope that ass. Fino immediately decides this shit has to be stopped…When the old man reveals he’s gonna be buying a lightbulb. One lightbulb. Every time. The perfect excuse. And now Fino is…Shall we say, confused. Are humans like dogs? Is butt stuff just part of the communication?

-Does Fino need to bend over? Fino stop bending over. FINO NO. FINO PUT YOUR BUTT AWAY. NOVA DON’T ENCOURAGE THIS.

-Lunch break, at last. Raul is able to sit down and have some food from the convenience store…A place with some old friends who worry about the dork, and look after each other.

-Back in the store, the boss is talking to her assistant manager, Viser, and trying to explain her disinterest in bringing in another company into the shop…When they spot Raul working with Fino at the register, over the security cameras. And cut down to the actual register, where Raul’s decided that the actual core of Fino’s problems is a lack of respect. Rethink everything. Back to zero. This job means they are lesser than the customer. Yeah it sucks. Deal with it.

-…Fino doesn’t know how to do that. Well try on Raul. Okay! …Fino you’re being demonic again. This isn’t a battle, you stupid dork. Are you a chuuni or just stupid?

-Fino is just trying to copy how Dad used to talk! Your dad was, literally, a demon king. THE demon king. There is, quite literally, no worse example you could mimic for this lesson! …You know what, start with the manual. But first, come on, to the repair room. They also do repair work.

-Oooh, what’s that? It’s a toaster oven. And that?! A humidifier. And…And Fino touches the humidifier, and causes a surge of water, electricity and magical energy that knocks the poor idiot into the far wall! Raul’s stuck carrying Fino into the break room to figure out a plan that doesn’t involve calling a doctor and getting into trouble, and oh, great, a note from literally everyone else who works today listing their reasons they’re not here right now. Awesome. Just awesome.

-Right, first step, get these ruined clothes off of Fino. …Fino was not wearing anything under that hoodie. And that’s how a pair of big, bountiful, ladylike breasts come wobbling out.

-And that’s when Fino wakes up.

-So.

-This isn’t great for either party. And both of them are having a freakout, until the actual events that happened get all laid out. …Please put some fresh clothes on, Fino.

-And eventually, it’s the tail end of Fino’s first day, and she gets to have a uniform! Now sweep the walkway. By hand. With this broom. Welcome to working life, kid. When a sweet old lady passes by praising her hard work, and Fino thanks her, and the kid might just do okay in this world. Maybe.

-Night comes, and Raul stops at the convenience store for dinner, having a brief chat…But as he walks by the shop on his way home, the lights are on?

-Because Fino is in the back, washing down by hand in the sink?! What are you DOING?! She’s got no house, so this is her house now. …That’s not…That isn’t…You can’t just…Do you have any idea how terrible dish soap is for hair and skin? I’d question focusing on that angle over all the other things Fino’s done wrong here, but at the same time, I mean, there comes a point where you just have to find the smallest bite of the elephant.

-And as Raul helps her dry and generally make herself presentable, they end up talking about their own pasts. Raul, who came from a tiny village only to see all the great marvels of modernity in the city, and Fino who lived an even less modern life in the castle…Despite everything, there is a connection of friendship there, and Fino’s starting to learn human society. She might just do okay here yet.

-Credits!

-Aftercredits! Fino touches the turbo button on the hair dryer and…Uh…It makes a biiiiig boom. She has a scary amount of magic in a world that runs on the stuff.

Hmmmm. Well, it’s not so bad that I’m gonna drop it, but man, the fan service in this one is dense…And a lot of it is pure camera-work, too, not actions actually willingly undertaken by characters. It’s honestly a shame. There’s a lot of interesting conceptual meat in this. It really didn’t need big bouncing tits and panty shots everywhere to be a good show.

Oh well. Sometimes I watch super amazing stuff and my job is just to show that amazingness to you. Sometimes, I watch not-so-great stuff and my job is to separate off the good stuff and bring it together into a better piece. If this one’s more the latter, that’s fine. We’ll just have to get a better vibe on it next time, in episode TWO of I Couldn’t … Job! Wait for it!

[ecsundance]

A very Long (yet very awesome) Week of Sundance

Organisers of Sundance say in Tryon’s discussion that “If a filmmaker wants to create his or her own idiosyncratic vision, it’s often not worth looking around for a big budget, waiting for others to say it’s okay to make it.  You have to stand up and make the film yourself…” (pg.164) and Kevin MacDonald in Tryon’s discussion talks about how basically all you need to make a movie is a laptop and a video camera, and how amazing it is that we live in a time which we can do this (pg.156)

This is similar to the idea that you can complain about not having enough time or experience to do something, but if you get over yourself and do it either you fail and learn, or you succeed and gain confidence.  If you have a great idea then nothing should hold you back from making it a reality.  Movies with billions of dollars behind them have fallen flat.  So it stands to reason that a movie made on weekends with only a couple bucks could be amazing.

According to Chuck Tryon’s discussion of “Reinvented Festivals” (pg. 160), because there are a lot more independent bloggers/critics now due to newspapers not hiring many, there is a consistent stream of new reviews being released even minutes after a film finishes premiering.  

Taking part in this class and festival and constantly thinking about what I thought about a film plays into this as I (along with my classmates) were some of the first to review some of these films.  It’s such a fun experience to think and talk about film as everyone will have various ways of perceiving and connecting to each film.

Favourite Film From the Festival

It feels hard to choose a favourite because there were so many incredible films which affected me in different ways like Coda, How it Ends, Flee, and honestly most of the films I saw in this year's festival . However, I fell in love with The World to Come when it wasn’t even a movie I initially planned on seeing.

The world to come felt like a poem. It made my heart ache deeply, marinating in feelings of melancholic love, and unexpected loss. Maybe it hit me especially hard because I lost one of the most amazing people I’ve ever had in my life along with family and pets (since they are family too) since the start of Covid: I have regrets and things I never got to say.  Maybe it’s because I’m fiercely fighting with my own identities right now.  Either way, it was hard to watch.  Parts of it still haunt me and still leave me breathless on the brink of tears.  It struck a chord in me which I have a hard time fully putting to words.  I didn’t originally even want to watch this film, it somehow ended up on my list of on demand films, and my mom convinced me to watch it (and I’m so glad she did).

It is a story which about two women which takes place in the 1800s, together in their loneliness who fall for each other behind their husbands’ backs.  They secretly rendezvous in the forest and tucked away corners of their homes when their husband’s are working.  It is beautiful in story and dialogue; it doesn’t get stale.  It feels modern somehow, though it is set in the 19th century, and I’m still processing it all to figure out why exactly.

Least Favorite Film from the Festival...

Eight for Silver by Sean Ellis wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it was certainly not the best;  I would not actively choose to watch this again.  It had interesting concepts such as only natural lighting being used throughout the film and those turned into the werewolf emerging, negatively changed, from the dead animal.  The movie would have gotten 4 stars rather than 3 from me simply by not having a CGI werewolf (unless it was so brilliantly terrifying and amazing it had to be shown) and by keeping the original plot of the Roma’s spells/curses (fueled from the massacre which the targeted village caused).  The scarecrow and buried teeth, and the strange dreams which followed were such a great piece, but they just fell away more and more.  The addition of the religious text (which mentions 30 pieces of silver is unnecessary, and just recycles old vampire movies/myth ) took this film from a great timepiece and cheapened it in combination with the subpar CGI creature, while also making it feel far too Hollywood in a bad way.  Again, some of the ideas, like the person within the wolf were great, but they could have kept it that way and not shown the monster otherwise.  

A list of All Feature Films I Saw:

During the 2021 Sundance film festival I have seen and rated the following:

Coda ***** Sian Heder

The story of a teenage hearing girl who wants to be a singer living with her otherwise deaf family who run a fishing boat.

Cryptozoo **** Dash Shaw

A woman’s attempt to protect mythical creatures in a world where everyone wants to harm them or use them as weapons.

Misha and the wolves ***** Sam Hobkinson

A chilling documentary about holocaust tale with a twist.

Users **** Natalia Amada

A mother’s view of the world, global warming, technology, her children and the relationship between all of this. 

Prisoners of Ghostland **** Sion Sono

Samurai meets the gunslinger Western World in this colourful action-horror (featuring Nicholas Cage). 

Censor **** Prano Bailey-Bond

The story of a woman whose sister disappeared as a child and how her job as a horror film censor helps her uncover the truth.

How it ends ***** Daryl Wein, Zoe Lister-Jones

A walk through the last day on Earth with a woman and her younger self as they make peace with their lives, relationships with others, and their own inner selves.

Strawberry Mansion ***** Dan Deacon

A dreamy/nightmarish surreal tale of a dream tax collector as he falls in love with the younger version of his client.

Cusp ***** Isabel Bethencourt, Parker Hill

A documentary on the lives of teen girls in Texas which delves into rape culture, poverty, and what it’s like to be a young woman.  

Eight for Silver *** Sean Ellis

Werewolf lore set in the 19th century. 

John and the Hole **** Pascual Sisto

A young teenage boy puts his family in a hole in the woods as he tries to deal with the stressors of being a kid and what adulthood holds, entwined with fable. 

R#J ***** Carey Williams 

A modern retelling of Shakespear’s Romeo and Juliet through the age of social media, with a twist or two.

Coming Home in the Dark ***** James Ashcroft

A horror story of  a family who are abducted by two strangers who they later learn they share a deeper, darker history with. 

We’re All Going to The World’s Fair **** Jane Schoenbrun

A showing of loneliness and desperation through an online roleplaying game and it’s after effects.

First Date **** Manuel Crosby, Darren Knapp

A story of a first date gone VERY wrong.

The World to Come ***** Mona Fastvold

A 19th century story of the growing connection between two farmhouse wives.

Violation ***** Madeleine Sims-Fewer, Dusty Mancinelli

A film about a woman’s trauma and how she… Deals with it.

Marvelous and the Black Hole ***** Kate Tsang

A story about how a young teen girl gets through the loss of her mother through forming a connection with a local magician.

The Blazing World ***** Carlson Young 

A traumatised young woman tries to bring her sister back from “the other side” but must really fight her own inner demons.

Mayday ***** Karen Cinorre

A story of a young woman overcoming trauma and fighting back against the man in a dreamlike state.

Night of the Kings **** Philippe Lacote 

A new storyteller is anointed in a prison run by its inmates and he must keep telling these stories until the moon sets to stay alive. (It helps to understand the specific culture more with this one, otherwise it sort of goes over your head.)

Life in a Day 2021 ***** Kavin Macdonald

A grounding compilation of scenes from across the world on the same day, July 25th, with scenes one after the other which either connect or contrasted in an impactful way.

Flee ***** Jonas Poher Rasmussen

A biography told through animation of a young gay immigrant. 

Short Films

Bj’s Mobile Gift Shop- Jason Park

A story of a young guy in Chicago who makes money to support himself and his grandparents by running a mobile gift shop out of a large suitcase.

Flex - Josefin Malmen, David Strindberg

A visual telling of a bodybuilder rubber-banding between insecurity and self obsession through surreal imagery and dialogue. 

The Affected- Rikke Gregersen

A retelling of a college student preventing the deportation of a man back to Afghanistan through the interactions of the bystanders.  

You Wouldn’t Understand- Trish Harnetiaux

A time-warp involving a picnic, a strange character looking for “horsey sauce” and a grocery store clerk armed with a food scanner.

Animations

Ghost Dogs- Joe Cappa 

A family's new dog is “haunted” by the family’s many deceased dogs in squishy colourful 90s/early 2000s style animated short. 

GNT- Sara Hirner, Rosemary Vasquez-Brown 

A woman obsessed with social media tries to make yeast infections popular.

Trepanation- Nick Flaherty

A showing of depression through a disturbing hole ridden entity emerging from a hole and taking the place of the house's owner. 

Little Miss Fate- Joder Von Rotz

A cleaning bird interrupts the fate of a couple going out on a date, leading to disastrous consequences.

Indie Series

I had really wanted to see Seeds of Deceit by Miriam Guttman and Would you Rather by Lise Akoka, (I tried viewing 4 Feet High by María Belén Poncio and Rosario Perazolo Masjoan but there was an issue which Sundance staff never got back to me about, sadly) but I ran out of time.  

However, I did see These Days by Adam Brookes which takes place in New York City during Covid, showing a young woman living alone and how she survives living alone and being unable to work as a dancer.  

New Frontier Experiences

Sadly, I kept thinking I’d have endless time.  I did not engage in the New Frontier experience except for in class on one occasion.  I think it was a great idea and fantastic opportunity and I regret not planning my time better for this specifically.

Talks or Events 

Ignite x Adobe featured shorts films from artists aged 18 to 25 and was very inspiring since I’m in the age range of these artists. 

A few I especially enjoyed were Vigincita, Personals, and Joychild (Although I honestly enjoyed the whole compilation).

Virgincita - A sexual coming of age/ look at mother daughter relationship mixed with religion.

Personals - A sexual encounter between two insecure individuals who find comfort with one another by the end.

Joychild - A documentary piece showing a child discovering and opening up about their gender identity. 

Q&As

I attended a few Q&As, but my favourite I believe was CODA’s.

They spoke about how they worked around language barriers and learned sign language before and throughout production.  Everyone just seemed at ease and like they had a great time in production of the film.

- - -

Overall, I’m quite pleased with how this festival went virtually.  It was a truly amazing experience which I am so glad I was able to take part in.  It was as Immersive an experience as I think could be created virtually and seemed to go relatively smoothly for the most part for having it be the first time this has happened.  

I’m also extremely grateful for the inclusivity which allowed for those who may not be able to travel as easily due to disability, financial reasons, or anything else.  I don’t know if I’d have been able to go otherwise.  

This experience was more amazing than I even hoped it would be.  I feel so inspired that I plan to find out how to submit to Sundance so that I can possibly try to get a short film idea I have done for the short film/18-25 year old category.  I feel like I can actually do this now and I have so many new ideas. 

Thank you!

Tryon, Chuck,

On-Demand Culture: Digital Delivery and the Future of Movies

,  Rutgers University Press, Copyright © 2013.

Mae McCloskey

[loracarol]

I may or may not do a Proper Review of the Twisted Tales series at a later date, but here’s my brief summary/review of the first three. This WILL contain spoilers. 

Also @fantastic-nonsense​, have you heard of/read any of these? I know that fairy tales are kind of your jam. :V

A Whole New World

Easily my favorite of the three by far

Really leans in to the whole “the same Disney Movie You Know but with One Twist” thing they claim to have going on

Jafar gets the lamp

And that’s where it all goes to shit

Everything builds off of this one singular change in the timeline - while things are built up/expanded in the past, frankly it’s nothing that goes against the actual movie. 

For example, the King being little more then a man-child ignoring the problems in his city. Not specifically mentioned in the movie but given the King’s personality/the slums we see, it’s not out of the realm of possibility. 

Building on Aladdin’s past friendships - again, not something we actually see in movie, but not necessarily ooc either.

Also Jafar kills the Sultan, uses magic to raise the dead (the genie can’t do it, but Jafar uses his newfound power to look for a way around that.) 

BUT YEAH there are zombies all of a sudden, including children. 

This book was baller, 10/10 would recommend, even if just for the Holy Shit What The Fuck-ness of it.  

Once Upon A Dream

Middle of the pack IMO. 

I don’t actually have anything against the idea of the plot.

Aurora is highly different from her movie counterpart. It’s not necessarily bad IMO, but it was Distracting. 

Aurora and Philip were cute, though. 

Aurora’s parent’s get killed before she gets a chance to meet them. :( 

But then?? She/the plot seems to agree with Maleficent that it was all their fault for sending their child away?? 

And, of course, ~Maleficent~ wouldn’t ever do something like that

Ignoring for the moment that they sent her away because Maleficent had put a curse on a fucking baby that was supposed to kill her 

and it was only because another fairy intervened that she didn’t die

Maleficent, you don’t get to police how other people deal with that shit when it’s your fault  they have to deal with it

And also you killed them and it’s your fault Aurora never got to meet her parents. 

I was worried they were going to pull a Maleficent at the beginning with the framing device that Maleficent was the good guy and the three good fairies/the King and Queen were the bad guy, but the twist was nice

Not my fav, and while I did laugh out loud at some parts, I ended up feeling like I was reading about two OC’s who’d snuck into the plot rather then the Disney versions of the characters. 

This was especially annoying bc the part where the book “twisted” the tale was around Aurora pricking her finger/Maleficent dying - aka the end of the friggen movie.  

6/10 wouldn’t recommend but wouldn’t anti-recommend either. 

As Old As Time

This book was very... Yikes

Yikes Yikes Yikes

Okay, maybe I’m overthinking this - I’m not actually Jewish, but it felt like this book appropriated/exploited a lot of Jewish historical suffering? 

This one is under a cut bc potential antisemitism

Twist is that Belle’s mother was the Enchantress, but honestly, that didn’t feel like enough of a twist to justify everything that happens in the book

Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a kingdom. This kingdom had many people within it’s borders, including a number of Jewish people magical folk. Belle’s mother is one of those Jewish people magical folk, only she’s a good Jew magical person with her “Aryan” looks blonde hair and light eyes (tbh I can’t remember if they were green or blue). 

Among Maurice’s companions include a man who hates his Jewish heritage magical abilities and thinks of magic as unnecessary/evil. 

Belle’s mother settles down with Maurice and has a baby with him, but things are starting to go poorly for the Jewish magical people. A plague arrives and the magical people (you get the point so I’m going to stop now) are blamed for it. Belle’s mom goes to the castle to try and bargain for help and because she is a Good Magical Person she casts a spell of protection on all of the children in the castle. 

Meanwhile, magical folk are disappearing, but no one knows where to. To combat this, a series of people - including Mr. Potts - run a smuggling ring to get magical people out of the country. This is Important as things are continuing to go Wrong and the magical people are being blamed for all the countries ills. 

In the end, the bad guy is the man who hated his magical abilities. He’s also Monsieur D’Arque - the asylum owner. He experimented on his brain (like, actual brain surgery) to get rid of his powers, and he’s been kidnapping and torturing magical beings since in order to try and figure out how to destroy all magical beings. Let me be clear, he is pretty much a Disney Fanfic Version of Josef Mengele. His experiments were horrible. Belle’s mom was one of those taken*, and she was tortured so badly... It’s horrifying, reading the description. 

*As one of her last spells, she had removed everyone’s memories of her connection to Belle & Maurice to protect them, and that’s why D’Arque didn’t go after them at first. 

There are other things, too, little bits here and there that really made me feel uncomfortable, like the book was appropriating this historical persecution of Jewish people for it’s own ends, but again, I’m not Jewish, and therefore not qualified to make A Statement on Antisemitism. I’m just noting the things I noticed.

That’s my Number One Big Problem with the book, and why I’d probably give it 1/5 stars, if that. That being said, that wasn’t my only problem with the book. The thing is, it wasn’t a good book that used unfortunate metaphors, it just felt like really really really bad fanfic on top of that. I don’t mention the following because I think they’re equal to what I noted above, I mention the following because these were other things that really annoyed me, and I wanted to rant about it:

Who the fuck are you, and what have you done with the beast? 

You know how, in the movie, when the Beast knows that Belle is a chance to break the curse, and he still is an angry asshole to her even though realistically being kind would be more likely to cause her to fall in love with him & to break the spell.  

Yeah, forget all that. 

Belle touches the rose, learns about the curse, remembers her mother, and knows that she’s unlikely to fall in love with him now that she knows she “has” to.

The Beast, in return, turns into Bad!Fanfic!Draco/Zuko. You know, the kinds that show up in bad Dramaione/Zutara fics. (I’m not saying they’re all bad, but come on, you know what I mean when I refer to Bad Versions Of Those Fics. 

You know the archetype. 

Despite finding out that he may be Cursed Forever he puts on a tablecloth like an apron and helps Belle cook. 

................................Yeah. 

I read a Miraculous Ladybug fanfic that was Beauty and the Beast and something similar-ish occurred, but there it made sense. There it was in-character. 

Also there’s a scene where the Beast is literally groveling on his hands and knees to get Gaston’s help.

Do you see what I mean about “bad fanfic”? 

Anticlimax

The whole mob @ the asylum ends because LeFou recognizes his aunt (?) as one of the patients and that’s pretty much all it takes to turn people’s minds around. Maybe this could have worked with better set-up (LeFou’s POV book?) but... Yeah............

Anticlimactic Gaston

You know all that power he had over people in the village? How he was so well-liked he had his own theme song? How he was able to get everyone to set up a wedding in like... A day? How he had girls swooning over him? How the tavern was his house of worship? How he was able to get a mob going to attack a Dangerous Beast by sheer virtue of Who He Was in the village? How it took him plunging to his death to stop his cruelty? 

Yeah, there’s none of that in this book. 

People start recognizing the people in the asylum, and that’s just... It. They don’t turn on him, but they do turn away from him, and he just kind of... Takes it. It’s like they gave canon!Gaston valium. Why wasn’t he angry when he lost control? Why didn’t he rage when people betrayed him? Those are canon actions even before Belle meets the Beast! It just doesn’t make any sense that he’d just lie down and take it. 

And the Furries Rejoiced 

Belle doesn’t break the curse, but her mother has enough power to break part of it. The Beast somehow Stops Losing His Humanity because Luv (??) but that’s not enough to actually break the curse. The Beast asks the enchantress to break the curse on his people instead, and she does, leaving the Beast totally fine with being trapped in an alien, monstrous body. There is hope - if they can gather other fairy tale creatures to his palace*, they might be able to band together to break it. And like, I get it. People seem to have a hard on for the beastly form, but the book totally glosses over his canonical frustration with his inhuman form. See again, the cooking, and turning into LeatherPants!Draco/Zuko. It’s frustrating - again, that’s something that could have genuinely be fascinating, but it just felt like a cop-out so that the book could end with him still a furry. 

Like, do that if you want, but actually make it a consequence with some emotion behind it rather then just being kind of... Meh.   

* His palace was magically hidden & that part of the curse didn’t break meaning that it has the potential to become a haven for persecuted magical beings.

[thebluesideofthemoon]

The Wall #49: SHEEP AND WOLVES

Welcome everybody to another entry of The Wall. On this week... your mom! Heh. Oh, I wish- I'm sure she's a wonderful lady. I said I was going to review Batman v. Superman but... eh, I then kind of lost interest and heat after a while- besides, the movie still sucks balls, so it's not like anything's changed. No, this week's review takes us on another stop of our international animated tour- Russia! The big mother of all cold herself, Mother Russia blessed us with this animated outing that was so good that it didn't get imported to the States. "Why might that be?" you're probably asking yourself, well I'll answer that right now: ... I HAVE NO IDEA! Maybe it was some sort of communication error (which wouldn't make sense as this movie has a fully dubbed English version, so... I 'unno), maybe they changed their minds at the last minute, or maybe because it's so mind-meltingly awful that they pulled the plug on its release before the studio would embarrass itself. Considering my last review it may be easy to assume that anything I would review afterwards would automatically be less positive. That may be true, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have good things to say about it- hell, last week I saw one of my favorite movies this year (which I'll review later), and I've been itching to gush about it here. But no, I'm going to talk about Sheep and Wolves instead because, what better way to transition into my Worst Movies of 2016 by going from one of the best animated movies of the year to one of the absolute worst? Let's dive in, why don't we~?

(Music: Undertale- CORE)

I don't mean to be disrespectful, I like to think I'm a nice person and I will give anyone a chance, unless you’re Zack Snyder, or David S. Goyer, or Warner Bros., in which case you can piss off any day now. So when I write the things I’m going to write, I don’t mean this as just me trying to be mean, but as a way to try and help a small studio like the one that made this movie understand why your product doesn’t work, so I will try to be as cold and clinical as I can to explain just what is wrong with this movie. But first the plot, and you might want to sit down for this one.

In this movie we have a wolf named Grey (voiced by Tom Felton. Yes, THAT Tom Felton) who is a goofy but kind wolf who wants to live life as a carefree spirit, that is until he crosses the path of a big bad wolf named Ragear (voiced by Rich Orlow, whom I’ve never heard of) who is adamant to become the new leader of their wolf pack since their current leader Magra (voiced by Jim Cummings. Yes, THAT one, too.). However, Ragear gets shut down by Magra by telling him that he will not be ascended to be leader of the pack unless he faces off in a duel with another wolf, who just so happens to be Grey. Grey steps up to the challenge and they’re due to fight in three days to see who is more fit to run the wolf pack. Meanwhile, Grey faces a bit of problem when a surprise he had planned turns out to dash the dreams of his girlfriend, Bianca (voiced by Ruby Rose. Yes, THAT- I’m not going to keep this gag going or we’ll be here all day), who thought Grey was going to ask for her hand (paw?) in marriage. She accuses him of being very immature and in desperate need of change. Trying to find a way to change, Grey stumbles into this caravan full of gypsies and he talks to their leader(?) named Mami (I don’t know who she’s voiced by) who gives Grey this potion to help him change, but things go south when Grey gets turned into a sheep and is not only unwelcome, but hunted down by the wolves due to sheep being their prey. So he runs away and ends up getting knocked out, only to wake up in the sheep village. He’s being taken care of by an ewe named Lyra (China Anne McClain), while being suspected of by this skeptic sheep named Zico (Ross Maraquand) who questions his whereabouts and goes on to find clues about this new mysterious sheep that just showed up in their home. Grey believes that he’s in a bad dream but then decides to blend in once he starts meeting the sheep folk. Meanwhile, Ragear becomes impatient by Magra and his ban to keep them from hunting prey like wolves (which for this universe doesn’t really make much sense), so instead of waiting for his duel like Magra ordered, he just kills Magra and ends up taking the position as the wolves’ leader and wants to lead the wolves to hunt for the sheep so they can eat… well, like wolves. Grey discovers this and now wants to protect the sheep from this possible massacre, while it becomes hard for him to keep his true identity intact with his new kin. How will all of this be resolved?

I don’t take this long trying to give a simple plot synopsis, but I wanted to break down this entire setup to give you a hint as to what’s wrong with this movie. If you want me to sum this movie up really quickly it’s just yet another “fish out of water” story, and with a twist that isn’t even that unique to this kind of movie. The movie is a bizarre combination of both Shrek 2 and Brother Bear in terms of plot, but it’s nowhere near as funny as the former, nor (while flawed) as engaging as the latter, and while I have serious problems with Brother Bear I can tell you it pulled this story off a LOT better than Sheep and Wolves.

Since I’m going to dip into my issues with this movie (which is a LOT of them) I may as well get my positives with the movie out of the way, because they’re very minimal- it’s actually just one: the movie is really pretty. While it’s pretty obvious that this is a low-budget movie thanks to the very small amount of environments featured in the movie, not to mention that just like Sing it shamelessly copy-and-pastes characters and shots everywhere, the scenery of the movie actually manages to be pretty stunning. I like how the environments look, they’re vividly-detailed, very colorful, and the lighting also manages to look really good, especially when they stand out against things like grass or the fur on the wolves. The animation itself is also not bad. It’s far more lively than something like, say, Ratchet and Clank, and it has an art style that suits the animation better than a movie like The Wild Life. Even though I have HUGE issues with the character design, they managed to make a really appealing-looking movie and I do think that’s something that deserves some serious credit. It’s obvious to me that the people working on this movie have some good talent in their hands, and I’m saying this because I stop being nice right here. Because the problems with this movie are far too many for me to recommend this as something anyone reading this should watch.

Let’s start with the character designs. While the general look of the movie is really appealing and colorful, the actual designs of the characters leave a lot to be desired. There’s no real better way for me to say this, but the characters all look like how a middle-school furry artist would draw his furry wolf OCs (original characters, for those of you that don’t know) when first starting on DeviantART. They’re far more humanoid than anthropomorphic, which really stands out with characters that have more stylized and cartoony designs. It’s almost as if the characters were all designed by completely different artists, however this is an approach that worked in its favor in a movie like Secret Life of Pets, but here they stick out like a sore thumb. All the wolves are top-heavy and just look ridiculous when they run on all fours. I also had this same problem with Alpha and Omega six years ago (funny how they’re both movies about wolves), but the hair is really off-putting. Most of the wolves have pretty much anime hairstyles which just look distracting and out of place. This is really noticeable on a character like Bianca who basically looks like a human chick that just so happens to be cosplaying as a wolf. With the sheep this gets even more bizarre, as there are sheep who clearly look like anthropomorphized sheep, standing right next to sheep that have more human-like features that are kind of distracting, NEXT to other sheep who just look like they’re a human and sheep that probably fused together like in The Fly. Again, it’s highly distracting because they’re not anthropomorphic like the characters from Sing or Zootopia, and yet they’re also not animal enough to be like the animals from The Secret Life of Pets or even The Wild Life. It’s like they’re stuck in this strange uncanny valley of anthropomorphism and it’s kind of off-putting to watch. Mami is the only one who manages to make this work, though it probably helps that she’s hardly in the movie. Grey looks alright by all standards, except for his dumb Emo Peter Parker haircut.

From what I’m sure you can gather I’ve said about the story, it’s pretty much also copied and pasted from… anywhere else. It combines traits of Shrek 2, Brother Bear, The Lion King, too many romantic comedies to count, Kung Fu Panda 3, Shark Tale (another disaster full of clichés and off-putting character design)- it borrows so liberally from other movies that it even borrows their flaws as well. Shark Tale needs no explanation, it has the dopey character who is in love but cannot spit it out because God help him “he’s just awkward” (oh please), it also borrows a problem unique to a movie I reviewed not too long ago, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie, in which it is full of really annoying cartoony sound effects that get really, really fast. By the way, I said this movie ripped off The Lion King (why on Earth do we have TWO animated movies that came out in 2016 that thought this was a good idea?) and it does so in the Magra’s death scene. Ragear shoves him off the cliff in a way that’s not too dissimilar to Scar throwing Mufasa into the wildebeests. It doesn’t help that both just so happen to have a character voiced by Jim Cummings, which makes the resemblance even more obvious.

Though speaking of terrible sounds, the voice acting isn’t that great. I mean sure, you have people like Jim Cummings who would sound awesome if they even just read the phonebook, but much like Morgan Freeman in Ben-Hur, he’s not doing anything new. Tom Felton… I have NO idea what the hell he’s doing, it’s like he’s trying to sound American and fail horribly at it, but he’s at least trying. Ruby Rose just straight up did not care about this movie at all, she could not sound any more disinterested if she tried, which isn’t only a serious problem because it just sounds bad it also makes her character come across as really uncaring and self-centered, which becomes a MAJOR problem thanks to one particular scene from the movie that I’ll get to. Believe me, I will. Still, this is pretty bad- it’s almost as if the voice actors weren’t allowed to be given a second take or something like that.

But what’s even worse than the voice acting is the score. I’ve complimented good scores before and lambasted bad ones like Accidental Love, for example. It had a score that was highly annoying, bouncy, and would never shut up. It was trying to be a “whacky, silly” score that instead of trying to get you to laugh it only made you cringe. So yes, an overly-goofy score is one issue but thanks to this movie the opposite is also true. This movie has a score that is far more surprisingly dramatic and intense than you would think which gives me the impression that this movie is really trying to get me to take it seriously… and this is the same movie that has a Rocky-style montage of a character trying to give themselves a concussion. AND FAILING AT IT. Sure, that’s meant to be the joke, but this is much less justifiable in countless scenes of something dramatic happening only for it to get cut-off by some awkwardly-inserted comic relief. Oh God, it’s like Epic all over again.

The absolute worst part about this movie is the characters. I’m not going to spend much time on them because I could write an entire essay on just what’s wrong with this cast, and this review is getting really long as it is. So I’ll say this, they vary from being really stupid, to being really annoying, to all-around unpleasant. Grey is kind of a goofball, but other than that he’s just your generic main character and he’s one of the better characters. His best friend sheep who is lovestruck cannot say a word to her about his feelings to save his life, which is not just an awful cliché in and of itself, but his voice is really annoying and her never shuts up. The big bad Ragear is clumsy and gets beaten up a lot, so it’s pretty much impossible to take him seriously as a credible threat and the only time he succeeds at anything it’s simply because the plot just felt like it needed to keep going. Lyra is your generic “nice girl” type who pretty much has no personality aside from, well, being nice, except for one particular scene where she chews out Grey for giving her little brother, Shia, the influence to have him run off from the sheep village to fight off wolves himself, and this happened AFTER Grey saves his life as well as a scene in the movie where she scolds her little brother for being an irresponsible little shit who doesn’t listen to anybody. And Shia, oh I despise him. Not only does he have a really annoying voice and attitude, he’s one of those characters that should have died far sooner than he does (which is never- spoiler alert) because he does anything BUT listen to someone who’s trying to do nothing but HELP HIM. He’s by far one of the most irritating characters I’ve seen in any movie this year- he’s up there with Steel from Max Steel, The Enchantress from Suicide Squad, the Colleens from Yoga Hosers, and pretty much EVERYONE in Collateral Beauty- and it doesn’t help that he gives a really awful message at the end of the movie which pretty much amounts to him saying that you shouldn’t kill someone because it will make you just as bad as they are, which is normally a message that has a lot of weight to it, but when the person who is trying to kill you is DOING EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO TRY AND EAT YOU, and you fight back in self-defense!

I also mentioned Bianca, and out of all of the bad animated movies with forced-in love interests she’s by far the worst. Now, she’s at least thankfully not forced into a relationship with Grey (they already have one at the start of the movie) and the way his little problem is resolved isn’t by true love (but it’s not less dumb). The reason why I hate Bianca the most is because of one particular scene where she pretty much ACCUSES GREY OF CAUSING RAGEAR FROM KILLING MAGRA AND MAKING HIM THE NEW LEADER, and all because he was trying to change himself to prove to her that he’s not an immature clown. It’s somehow all HIS fault, and at no point does she ever get called out on being a colossal bitch. Though Grey DOES call out the sheep for being whiny, pathetic, and annoying, it doesn’t really leave a very satisfying impact when it’s ruined by the scenes that precede and follow it. I HATE EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE. This movie was just like Collateral Beauty all over again- I really thought I was going to be in for something bland, but not THIS annoying and unpleasant. I really hate this movie, thanks to its combination of terrible tonal shifts, bland story, irredeemable cast of characters, and ho-hum voice acting. It’s easy to see why this movie never made it to the States. (2,541 words. Can't believe this one took me almost a week to write, but I needed to get my thoughts collected so I could express just what the hell was wrong with this movie.)

This is a really foul movie. I don't really get this kind of enjoyment out of something that fills me with dread and hatred- I would much rather be talking about things I really love, like Zootopia, but this is the kind of movie that is not only so bad that it's wasted your time, but it'll ruin your day!

Yes, I give this movie a 2. And how appropriate because now I can make more room for my best big project. That's right guys, The Wall #50 is going to be... THE TOP 10 WORST MOVIES OF 2016 I'll see you all there.

[sorayahigashikata]

Chapter 95: "It's the end."

[wordsonpagespress]

Winnie, by Jack Hostrawser

fiction by Jack Hostrawser | second place fiction winner of the 2017 Blodwyn Memorial Prize, sponsored by Book*Hug

“‘Winnie’ is an exemplary story in all aspects: from characters to pacing to the prose itself—so clear and crisp it is almost transparent. The story drew us in immediately and never let us go. The moment you finish, you want to jump right back up to the start and begin again, and it never fails to hold up under more and more readings.”

It’ll go like this all night, when the snow’s fine like this. I’ve turned the light off in the guest room and slid a chair up to the window to sit and watch until my mom’s ready. Some high-backed thing that’s not very comfortable unless you fold yourself up in it. Everything in Yusuf’s house is like that. People from the forties have weird tastes.

I’ve got a long view from here down to the fields he rents out and all the dry corn still in them, whispering in the snow. If I had the time, maybe I’d go out later all bundled up and go walking in the storm and try to appreciate it. There’s never going to be any snow at Dad’s place.

Mom knocks once then enters, smelling like the fireplace downstairs. “You don’t want the lights on?” she asks, flicking them on. I pick up my backpack of things and she steps out of the way. Yusuf and her are taking his kids on a whirlwind tour of Egypt for three weeks over Christmas break. They’ll spend what some people earn in a year. Mom really wants me to come.

Instead, she says “Your father will really appreciate the company company this time of year.”

The drive in from the hills to the city is slow and warm inside my mother’s new car. The car is noiseless, and when the traffic parts it plummets downhill like a boulder breaking loose. Cities look really nice in snowstorms, before the ploughs clear the roads. I watch the surface streets passing below us like Christmas village scenes of cars stuck on hills and people strolling with their tongues out. As we pull up to the terminal men in suits waiting on the sidewalk look up at this bright red machine crunching through the white streetlight. Mom pays my fare for the shuttle, both ways.

When I was born my parents picked Winnie, after my grandfather (Dad’s side). I never got a good answer as to why they chose that name for their daughter. Winston Liam was a forest-firefighter in Washington and B.C. He worked in the oil sands when the mountains weren’t burning. This was back in the twenties. I was able to find out a lot about him because he posted so much online. The pictures he took on his sorties were actually really good—lots of haze between the trees and predatory, scurrying flames. Family stuff too, but in those he always seemed uncertain. His picture face was to furrow his brow and push up his frown and wait. My dad doesn’t talk about him much.

This is what I figure happened: I think he got blindsided bad a few times, coming home from a season out there in the bush and finding the world changed. He stumbled out of the backcountry smoking or covered in oil and people were asking his opinion about neural interfaces or the businessmen on Mars. And all the while the rains kept failing and his wives kept leaving. I won’t throw stones.

I spot Dad as I squeeze out of the elevator. The terminal always smells like sweat and cleaning solvents. He stands up from the bench and smiles awkwardly at me like we’re sharing a joke. I reach out to hug him with the in-flight magazine still in my hand and I feel his bony ribs under the thin sweater.

“Hello, daughter. How’s the weather?”

“Snowing, father. Don’t you ever look down?”

“Making small talk, Win.”

“Sorry.” I smile for him. “How was your big job on the outside?”

“Long.”

“Yeah but… holy shit. EVA.”

He shrugs, pulls a little box from his pocket. “It’s a little early but… I got you something.”

The wrapping paper is an old invoice. Inside is an acrylic cube the size of a golf ball with a rust-coloured pebble set in the centre.

“Cala at work said some really nice things about, uh, what it means—the significance of the rock, that is.” He takes a deep breath and fake-laughs. “I forgot every goddamned word.”

I twist the glass to pick out the details. It looks like a kidney and is definitely igneous, dull in colour and rough. “Holy shit, Dad. Is this real?”

He’s already walking. “Yep,” he says, “There’s a certificate in the box.” I follow with my eyes on the rock, trying not to trip. Fucking Mars.

“How’s your mother?”

“I dunno. Same. She got her new car.”

He nods and starts leading the way to his apartment. The strip near any of the spokes is all hotels and restaurants. We walk through a movie-set version of the Mediterranean with faux cobblestones and hidden fans pumping in cooking smells. A table of people in nice clothes laughs loudly about something as we pass by the patio, and I catch eye contact with a silver-haired woman in jewelry. Her eyes smile at me, while she finishes telling her story to the table. Through the skylights, the moon spins gently out of view. Once, while my parents were fighting, my mother brought me up here, to the Italian place by B-Spoke, pretending to have money in a terrifying, quiet fever.

At the door to his apartment he lifts his card toward the sensor but stops. “I’m having the, uh…” He stares at his room number where it’s glued to the door, picking at the edge of the card. “I updated the will. But it’s going to take a while, so there’s a document I’ve had them make up. It sort of supersedes what’s—”

“You expecting to die?”

“No. I mean, I don’t think I’m going to die.” He always shrugs when talking about complicated life things. Right now he shrugs and says “You never know.” After a few seconds he smiles a little and says the next thing almost under his breath. “Now, if something happens to me, it won’t all go to your mother.”

I’ve spent evenings with him, watching shitty action movies and trying to keep him occupied enough. Spite’s a new emotion from him. He taps the card and the door unlocks. He puts his jacket on the counter and orders a pizza.

This latest place is about nine hundred square feet, white paint on drywall with recessed lights. Probably not renovated since they built the station. It was a two-bedroom, but one turned into his office. I fold out the couch when I visit, which is fine by me—I slept on a coffee table once at a party, and Dad’s saving money. He really loves making the joke about not quite being able to afford the balcony option yet, and after the first visit I started having this recurring dream of there being a balcony, and a sliding glass door instead of tall windows. I would lean on the railing and watch the sun set over and over behind the curve of the planet. The vacuum smelled like a winter night. In reality, it stinks like ozone. When the cargo ships come in, the docks reek of it.

The dishwasher, I notice, is in pieces on the kitchen floor, parts labeled and a how-to guide printed out. He steps through it and goes into his office to finish work. I open the shutters on the windows and find myself staring down onto wrinkled white tundra, falling slowly away under scattered cirrus clouds. I stare at the floor until the vertigo fades. (The little wooden tiles are the exact shape of Jenga blocks.)

When Dad’s finished I reheat up some slices for him and we watch a movie in the dark, about a man stuck on a hijacked shuttle. The bad guy is trying to distract the authorities while he steals a secret briefcase of money in the cargo hold. People squint and grimace before shooting each other and Dad falls asleep halfway. As the credits roll he inhales and lifts himself out of the armchair, slow as a scuba diver, and walks in stiff steps across the room to the short hallway. The bathroom fan squeaks as it spins up. I’m too jet-lagged to sleep, so I lie awake and browse through articles, looking up to watch the sunset. I fall asleep somewhere in the middle of a feature about famous nuclear weapons accidents.

The first time I went into the hills to eat dinner with my mother at Yusuf’s house she told me the story of her new life: the car, the landscaping, the painting classes at the adult education centre. She served dinner to his daughters and me, and then to Yusuf, telling me there was going to be an allowance.

“You understand, I just never want you to ever feel trapped anywhere. You’re such an amazing young woman and I want you to be free to do the things that matter to you.”

“I guess. I could get a new place of my own.”

“Yes, exactly. Even more than that, though. I want you to think big. It’s so important to travel when you’re young and see the world and not get stuck thinking you have to be one thing or that you have to do a job you hate.”

Yusuf picked up the gravy and poured it onto his duck, looking at me. “Do you have anyplace you’d like to see?”

“I don’t know.”

The three daughters laughed incredulously. “Anywhere in the world?” one asked.

I sipped my wine. “Maybe the Rockies?”

“Oh my God,” my mother said, “yes, you have to see the Rockies. I’m saying you can do that now. Or, when the papers are all signed, but you know what I mean. I want you to really live, Winnie.”

I must have said something nice. I know I picked up a forkful of meat and chewed it, thinking about my own kind of greed. This time last year my mother was drunk in front of the TV while Dad worked in lieu of coming home. But I said nothing and took the money she gave me at the spaceport afterward. The first transfer arrived a week later.

When my dad’s biological mom died last summer he had me sit the house until it sold, and while there I went through her computer. The videos went way back. My favourite is from some camping trip Winston took with three friends after high school, with no idea what they were doing and blackflies in their hair. They’re in canoes, drinking hard and fishing illegally. It looks like they probably don’t expect to hook the huge pike that they do. Winston’s holding the rod and he panics, making his friend panic and that plus the fish’s thrashing almost tips the boat. The guy filming can barely hold up his phone, he’s laughing so hard. The two fishermen somehow get the fish out of the water and then Winston starts beating it with his paddle as hard as he can to make it stop thundering around in the boat. Finally it dies, or passes out, and the two guys just stare at each other for a moment, panting, then they both begin howling with laughter until they can’t breathe. I watched that one over and over. I can’t… I don’t know why.

Dad’s already gone when I wake up on the couch, but he’s left a note saying we’re going out for dinner tonight. I step over all the pieces of dishwasher and make an omelette, which I eat while I try to see how the pieces fit together. He has the parts all labeled in his squared-off handwriting and the littlest bits are taped up in plastic baggies. The trick to repairing stuff is just to fiddle with the pieces until you start finding connections. Yusuf said that. He keeps a yacht in Alexandria, and the first time he took Mom and me down to see it we set out for Cyprus, then broke down. So instead we hung out in the middle of the Mediterranean and stargazed while he crawled below deck, basically learning how to do marine diesel engine repair on the spot. He’s clever like that. At some point in the night he woke me with a bribe of tea to come help him dismantle a water pump so he could fish the broken impeller blades from it. When we had the thing disassembled on the floor he got up and stretched and raised his eyebrows mid-yawn when he noticed the time.

“I started out as a mechanic. Did I tell you that?”

“Mom mentioned it.”

“If you wanted to eat where I grew up you figured something out, and you charged for it.”

“Wow.”

“Can’t be afraid to break things. You just,” he made a chopping motion at the engine with his hand, “try things. Nothing ever fixes itself.” He thought about that for a moment. “Entropy.”

When the pump had a new impeller and the engine was running again, my mother woke up and dragged him off to bed. I climbed up onto the foredeck and stared up at the sky, watching for satellites.