#insecurities and guilt personified

[wr-n]

I want Nightmare to have dreams.

Not normal dreams of nonsensical story or memories resurfacing.

I want him to live a second life in his dreams where the shadows are filled with mechanical clicking, beasts lurk in every room, monsters disguised as loved ones.

And Nightmare has to survive them every time he goes to sleep.

Maybe Nightmare starts losing his handle over his powers and accidentally drags Cross and Horror into himself - into his dreams.

And now they have to survive and look for Nightmare to get out.

[web-novel-polls]

WN Women Bonus Polls #3: Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint

[Propaganda below] - Major Spoilers Warning!

Han Sooyoung / Han Suyeong from ORV / Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint

Submission 1: I can't even begin to explain the real reason so I'll just. She's everything. Consumes my every waking thought. Someone else please take the lead and add propaganda for me

Submission 2: 

Han Suyeong is a writer. She is cunning, self-serving and confident. Her avatar skill allows her to divide herself into as many copies as she pleases, and each copy can look like anyone. Her only weakness is that if she loses the copies, she loses memories. She initially starts as an antagonist who is not afraid to murder some people on her way to the top. She gradually bonds with the main character due to their shared knowledge and shared love of stories. *MAJOR spoilers for manhwa readers* She gradually becomes one of the three main characters. She is one of the two people from the main cast to become a constellation (god-like beings living off stories). She spearheads the attempts to rescue the one person who matters most to her, even when it is impossible. Even when everyone else has given up years ago. She dooms whole universes and all their people for her one person. She sacrifices everything.

Wiki Link

Jang Hayoung from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint / ORV

[No Propaganda prepared]

Wiki Link 

Additional Propaganda: 

Propaganda for Jang Hayoung: Transwoman, universe-hopper, canonically the prettiest character. Personifies one of the themes of the book. You can't know anyone just by looking from the outside; or more spesifically - you can't ever know anyone fully. The inside of their heads will always be a mystery for you. You can't ever know if they receive the words you say and the actions you do as you intended them. You can't ever know how the things you do affect another person. You can't ever know them.   But it's worthwhile to try anyway. 

Jung Heewon from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint / ORV

“Just because I am a murderer doesn’t mean I want to keep killing. I don’t want to be a monster.” - Jung Heewon, Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, Chapter 31 

Jung Heewon rights forever and ever. She’s so funny and cool and witty and funny and good and kind. I’m not far enough or eloquent enough to explain why she’s the best, so here’s another quote: 

“They lived their whole lives inside the cages of their worldview, only to be used by the invaders from the outside. Demanding such people to be brave was the very act of violence itself. Jung Heewon wanted to tell them; tell them that they didn’t have to fight, that she’d do something to resolve this by herself, somehow.” - Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, Chapter 395 (Tumblr)

Wiki Link 

Lee Jihye from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint / ORV

Submission: 

Lee Jihye is boisterous, a little childish and even abrasive. She brags, jokes around, gets into teenage hijinks. But under the surface there is a great deal of survivor's guilt, self-loathing and insecurity. She is a traumatized teenager who killed her best friend to live, and has to live with that for the rest of her life. She is an incredibly talented swordsman and a general capable of turning a battle around all on her own. And a girl just trying to learn how to survive.

Wiki Link

Lee Sookyung from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint / ORV

[No propaganda prepared]

Wiki Link 

Uriel from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint / ORV

[No propaganda prepared]

Wiki Link 

Additional Propaganda 1: Cheerful and kind personality, amazing powers for smiting evil, huge rpf shipper. Think fujoshi but for people you actually know in real life 😂

Additional Propaganda 2: Member of the Absolute Good constellations, ships the main character with the protagonist. About to bankrupt her constellation paying for new content for her ship 😉

Yu Sangah / Yoo Sangah from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint

Submission: 

Yu Sangah is a intelligent and hardworking woman with a vast array of skills, which are sadly not optimized for surviving the apocalypse. But there is nothing she can't learn if she puts her mind into it, and soon enough she is a powerful force to be reckoned with.  She has the best interpersonal skills of the main cast and a vast array of knowledge. Her fighting style is graceful, athletic and utterly brutal. She wields dual daggers and threads.  All the while she remains the moral heart of the group, a steadfast support to her friends, and a capable leader in her own right. 

[luonnon-varainen]

If in the Collector's new game everyone is the person who personify their deepest fears and insecurities, dose it mean that King will be collector?

Like Luz is Belos - guilt and fear of being a cause whole this situation, Hunter probably is Caleb - fear of being witch hunter and being killed by "uncle", then King could be collector, maybe even The Grand Huntsman, cause he fears them and what they did to his kind.

I think it would be an interesting dynamic and we could get some titans-collectors war lore and the Collector's relationship with theirs "biological" family.

And in this scene, King instead of seeing this - his siblings's skulls and bones.

He could see mr. Grand Huntsman and rest of family on some family meeting.

[alterrune]

Given the Shadow Selves we’ve seen of Laurence and Lily:

Shadow Laurence is a reminder the pain and destruction Laurence had caused back when he was a part of the Trinity of Fate as well as his bitterness and hatred for the world around him, his shadow does wear the same attire Laurence used to wear when he was the Zulu Security Chairman. Shadow Laurence is the manifestation of Laurence’s guilt and self-hatred of falling apart after Lily’s death and taking his pain out on the world for it, and still dealing with the lingering regret for causing the suffering of others because of it, and also presumably the insecurity that people still hate and look down on him for it.

Shadow Lily on the other hand represents Lily’s insecurity and fear of hurting those around her just because of her existence and misfortunes, given that Laurence was doing everything he could to save her from her heart disease and Aaron still dealing with the loss of his wife, with Lily’s condition only making things worse. Considering what Lily’s Shadow was saying about Lily being afraid that she could make everything worse just by being with the people that care about her if she were to fail or even die again, Shadow Lily is Lily’s fear of the worst possible outcomes for everything because of her personified.

Yeah...sounds about right.

Hey, Kyle? About Magatsu-Izanagi...what was he like when he was Shadow Kyle?

Shadow Kyle was my anger, my fear, my insecurites, and a whole bunch of other stuff. But he targeted one thing in particular: my fear of growing up.

I don't wanna grow up and leave where I am now. I hate the idea of having to deal with everything that adults do. I don't want to worry about taxes, I don't wanna worry about jobs, I don't wanna worry about leaving my parents, I...I...

(I begin crying. Suddenly, Magatsu-Izanagi comes out from behind me and huddles up to me, giving me comfort.)

(sniff) Thanks, Maggy-Izzy.

"Should I go after them?"

No, no, it's fine. I needed a way to let it out, anyways. I'm so glad you're here to help, Maggy-Izzy.

"Like I told you when you realized what your shadow truly was: I am thou, thou art I. I am the very feelings you are crying over, so I am always here if you need me."

T-Thank you. I appreciate it.

(Finally drying out the last of my tears, the others look at Magatsu-Izanagi, dumbfounded.)

It...it talks?

"I believe you would call it 'telepathy', actually. I cannot actually speak, but I can communicate through thought. However, I didn't think anyone besides Kyle could hear me."

We're close friends of his. And we have no idea how we're hearing you, either, but I'm glad you can actually talk. I was afraid we were gonna have to have Kyle translate everything for you.

"Speaking of Kyle, he is grateful to have such nice friends as you four. He wouldn't trade any of you for the world."

Glad to know he thinks so highly of us. Honestly, we've all been through thick and thin, and we'll stick by each others' sides until the end.

"Continue to treat him well, Colorstreak Battalion. Now then, I must be going. I shall see you later."

(Magatsu-Izanagi dissappears in the same blue flash of light, and I look back at the CSB with a genuine smile on my face.)

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, guys.

No problem, Kyle. Want me to get you some apple juice? After all that crying, you must be parched.

Sure, Ellie. That would be nice. And yeah, I do feel a bit dehydrated, haha.

[bugtransport]

August Kitko and the Mechas from Space finished Jan 6, 2023

The Circumstances I Read This Under:

talk about a book that ended up being something totally different than what i thought it would be. the cover advertises this as a space opera no less than three times which like yeah okay there sure i guess but there really isn't a lot of space in here until about the halfway-to-two-thirds mark. there is a whole lot of music in here. i think there might have been some sort of miscommunication between whoever marketed this book and whoever told them the meaning of the term. in their defense the cover is hot pink with neon yellow lettering so maybe i'm just a fucking idiot expecting something a little less action-packed. that's not a complaint! i'm not mad about how it turned out. i did no research about this book previously i just went to the bookstore, saw "giant robot", and was like "oh yeah i love robots and still have some money on this gift card, i'll get it." gonna be honest: probably would not have picked this one up if i had done any research on it but that's why i think it's fun to go in blind sometimes, i enjoyed it more than i think any blurb would lead me to think i would.

i've usually got two books going at the same time, one to read before bed sometimes (usually lighter) and the other to read on my work breaks (usually more of an intensive read) and this one i picked to be my work read, which meant i read it in 15 minute chunks over the course of a couple weeks. so if i forget anything that's why.

About the Book Itself:

i guess we start at the beginning and talk about the characters? holy fuck this book felt so kamen rider. i'm gonna use the terms main and secondary to refer to how August and Ardent work in this story because that's just what they are. sorry.

August Kitko is our main rider conduit and is literally just Takeshi Hongo if hongo was into jazz instead of... science and bikes, i guess, and was maybe like a little more passively suicidal. that's the character. he pairs with this cool robot and can fight to fucking save humanity or whatever and he spends his time being like "oh look at me i'm not human anymore i've got alien tech inside me... my lifespan is reduced i will put myself on the line to save humanity that's all i'm good for nobody will ever want my ruined body and now look at me my partner is borged too and it's all my fault all i have is my music" you took a perfectly good, somewhat sad, total nerd of a man and you gave him borg angst and a guilt complex. and then he gets his dick sucked. i love it zero notes perfect character, chef kiss.

Ardent Violet is our secondary conduit and a character i would not have wanted to see if the author of this book was cis. i had to put the thing down and go and check the bio in the back of the book - the author is indeed nonbinary, so i'm fine with it. lemme explain: ardent is this asskicking rockstar with a little bit of an insecurity complex (at least from how it came across to me) who changes their hair on the daily and is obsessed with their look and is like, larger than life genderfuck "darling some people change their names because they find it empowering" personified. personally i don't like reading characters like that from cis authors* because i feel like it comes across as a little disingenuous and pandering and also kind of reinforcing nonbinary stereotypes that i myself don't subscribe to... if they don't treat cis characters the same way i don't feel comfortable with them treating trans characters as Having One Character Trait And It's Their Gender, and if i'm gonna be real there's like something in this arena that i've been putting off thinking critically about for like years because man, i don't have the mental energy to deal with my own shit sometimes, but i'm not talking about it and we won't mention it so please be quiet, i just want to rest. if the author is nonbinary though as they are i can totally just read it as a futuristic gender envy moment. project all you want baby, live your best life; i also have a self insert musician oc and he is a quilt of issues. anyway once i got over that ardent is just kind of a funny ditsy little goober and i liked them well enough, they were a good balance to gus's doom and gloom.

these two are dating and oh my god this was the easiest romance i have read in a hot minute. it was really kind of refreshing. i mean yeah sure there are misunderstandings and whatever and they've really only known each other a week but typically if i go for a romance i want to be dragged over coals, i want to hurt, this was fluffy and sweet and they had some serious moments but. OKAY FUCK IT I'VE SAID ENOUGH I'M JUMPING IN THIS IS JUST HONGO AND HAYATO:

gus gets borged becomes a mech conduit way earlier than ardent does and the turns in their relationship from "superstar ardent and underground jazz musician gus" to "world savior gus and the person he's dragging into government protection with him ardent" to "world savior mech pilots gus and ardent" were interesting and fun and it was nice in the end when they realized oh shit - we can understand each other on a totally separate level now. and then gus has his borg angst when he learns that being a conduit will shorten their lifespans (as if they aren't also putting their lives on the line fighting??) and then they were like wait but if we're both borged conduits we'll die around the same time so everything's good again... and then as i mentioned previously gus gets blown. great book to read as some kinda kr 1971 au. i love fanfic!

the way the mechs are described is suitably hot. they sound big and evil and it makes the Wow Cool Robot part of my brain go hubba hubba. they're full of goo. they've got a good human/monster/robot balance to where you'd be scared if you saw one irl but also like... hmm....... we could make this work. fuck it send paragraph.

the fight scenes were on the whole very punchy and fast and again i typically stay away from books with a lot of action, not really because i dislike it but just because i'd rather spend my time reading something else, but i think it was done well for what it was. i don't really have a lot to compare it to here. the way that the author described the technical names of things working made it easy to understand from context what everything was doing and while you do have a little bit of the scifi syndrome "wait what the hell does that mean" everything makes enough sense that i didn't ever feel like i was having information dumped on me, really.

what else do i have to say about this book... that's about all i can think of. a lot more happens but it's nothing i care to talk about. plot and bad guys were pretty unremarkable. i enjoyed the way that the mechs communicate with the conduits. gus as a character really carried this one for me, i liked him a lot. that said:

Did I have a good time?

yeah, i'd say i did! it was a nice surprise of a book and a really smooth and easy read. definitely one of the more easy to digest scifis i've read recently.

Who else would like this?

are you a robotfucker? sorry. are you? go for it. did my description of ardent strike a chord with your gender instead of being generally offputting like it was to me originally? go for it! have you seen kamen rider 1971 and just want to read an au where they pilot mechs? this works fine for that. it was nothing mindblowing for me but it was a fun easy read and a good start to the year and you know what sure, maybe if i see it in the shop in the coming years, i'll pick up the sequel that i think is coming.

*had no idea where else to fit this in but if you want an example of a cis author who wrote nonbinary characters in a way that i really liked please look no further than Ancillary Justice (and the rest of the Radch trilogy) by Ann Leckie. some of my fave books i'd have to say. i really like how breq is written to not really relate to or understand gender both on a cultural (there's no gender distinction in the society she lives in) but also personal (she's an ai) level, but also has the text acknowledge that to other societies in the universe, gender is a vast and important thing, but it's not a problem that it isn't to her. it's such a nonissue and she really only just makes a couple offhand remarks like "yeah i don't give a shit what pronouns people use for me." nobody takes issue with ardent's gender (and there are multiple other nonbinary people in the book that are just kinda There) but it's still incredibly... present in a way that i just do not relate to. i get that for other people this can feel good and like accurate representation for how they perceive themselves but brother i am just some guy... don't make people think too hard about me. literally i am just like, some dude two stations ahead at the self checkout buying cereal, that's about as much thought as you should give it. that is also why i don't like drag. okay tangent CLOSE!

[the-inner-alfi]

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧Project 3:Genre Mock-Up ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

So this is a comic script rough draft: Characters: - MC who struggles with trauma - Their Trauma personified - Friend/Roommate - Mother Main plot: Mc has gone through a traumatic event in their life, having to come to terms with the effects it has on themselves and the world around them. The reader gets to view the effects through a third person lense and can also see the healing process as well as the opposing theme LOOSE Script: Epilogue: [Start with black screen] -Monologue while sharing the details of that trauma-inducing night -Share the origins of the trauma's "birth" - introduce trauma - explain the current setting Episode 1: - we get an introduction to the main character's life and their daily struggle when all of a sudden their roommate comes in to have a heart-to-heart that falls upon deaf ears as their trauma bickers back point Episode 2: -Some friends come to visit and once again try to get MC to cheer up and open up about what caused them to be like this. We get a moment of realization as MC realizes what they really have lost. Flashback, to memories of childhood - leading up to the show about mother Episode 3: - Mother comes to visit, worried that her daughter has become disconnected. She reminisces about her youth; for the first time, it all becomes too much to bear. MC has a mental breakdown, starting a message of realization that they need help Episode 4: - Mother and Mc have a quiet moment, where Mother tries to sway MC's ideas of therapy, resaying Trauma's main points against the idea. They agree. MC gets a push - a cry for help - before speaking up for themselves - trauma is stunned. MC explains their emotions and the mother finally agrees. - takes MC to their first session Episode 5: - explaining the purpose of treatment and how it's affected MC''S daily life, shows trauma is not fully gone but more compliant than before. Not happily ever after but a start in the happy direction. Sources Cited: https://docs.google.com/document/d/132pR60VXkZwVehf7Mbof_TfTpiDlQ6HTHtNO1nJXges/edit?usp=sharing

WHAT DO THE HIGHLIGHTS MEAN: Because this is a comic, many of the quotes I will be using from my sources will be put into the actual dialogue or the explanatory text in the comics to help give more of an authentic feel to the overall text. CITATIONS: "causes of childhood trauma can originate from a variety of sources. These sources can be classified as "Type 1" which are single events usually marked by intense surprise and/or "Type 2" Which are considered complex or repetitive and marked by prolonged and appalling anticipation (Armsworth and Holaday, 1993; Terr 1991)" (Kramer, pg. 6) Chpt. 4 "students who have experienced trauma may be consumed with intense worry about the well-being of loved ones especially if they're uncertain of their family's whereabouts (Pynoos, Steinberg,& Piacentini, 1999) " (Kramer,8) EP.1? - EP.4 "These long-term reactions can include feelings of helplessness, fear and anxiety, existential insecurity, rage, sorrow, and grief, intrusive images, self-reproach or guilt, and a change in values (Dyregrov, and Mitchell,1992) " (Kramer, 12) EP.4 "Coping mechanisms are strategies used by people who are managing painful or difficult emotions caused by stress or trauma" (Kramer,15) EP. 2 ""Coping is defined as the cognitive and behavioral efforts made to master, tolerate, or reduce external and internal demands and conflicts among"(Folkman & Lazarus,1980)" (Kramer, 15) EP.2 "People will begin to disengage or avoid stressful interactions as a way of dealing with their discomfort (Ayers, Sandier, West,& Roosa,1996; E. A. Skinner et al.,2003)" (Kramer, 18) EP.3 " "Helplessness can be another way of coping, examples of this coping method include inaction or passivity and lends itself to giving up or relinquishing any control over the situation (E.A, Skinner et al,2003)" (Krammer, 18) EP.3 "Social withdrawal involves the art of avoiding other people and preventing others from knowing about stressful situations, particularly in regards to the emotional impact of this particular situations (E. A. Skinner et al., 2003; Tobin et al, 1989) "(Kramer, 19) EP.3 "Opposition includes such factors like aggression, anger, venting, and blaming of others for the situation (E.A.Skinner et al., 2003)" (Kramer, 19) EP.2

"standards have been made and implemented in what is known as trauma-informed care." (Taylor, 19) EP. 5 "Trauma-informed care and services involves " understanding, anticipating, and responding to the issues, expectations, and special needs that a person who has been victimized may have in a particular setting or service at a minimum, trauma informed services should endeavor to do no harm - to avoid retraumatizing survivors or blaming them for their efforts to manage their traumatic reactions" (According to Bath, 2008)"(Taylor,20) EP. 2 ""Understanding, anticipating, and responding to the issues, expectations, and special needs that a person who has been victimized may have in a particular setting or service. At a minimum, trauma-informed services should endeavor to do no harm -- to avoid retraumatizing survivors or blaming them for their efforts to manage their traumatic reaction (According to Bath (2008). 19) " (Taylor, 20) Ep. 2 "Exposure to traumatic events is becoming a collective experience for children and adolescents (Holmes et al., 2015)" (Thompson, 3) EP. 3 " Long-term exposure to traumatic events has been shown to have damaging effects on a child's brain (Cook-Cottone,2004)" (Thompson, 3) Ep. 4 " A child's exposure to trauma can also impact how they perceive themselves. A child with adversity can view themselves in a negative light that limits them and does not allow them to see the positivity (Ramburuth & Härtel, 2010) " (Thompson, 4) EP. 4 "Since traumatic events are happening more frequently, early identification and interventions are imperative, primarily when trauma occurs during critical developmental periods (Holmes et al., 2015)" (Thompson, 3) EP. 5 ================================================ PROLOGUE: [Start at black screen] "I Don't remember when it started feeling this heavy" [ Insert scene one: at a party ] - people dancing - drinks on the table. - music drowns out and an ominous door shows up and the edges around the image turn black. "I just know, that my body hurt. It was so hot, too hot, my skin felt like it was wax melting.," [Scene progresses to a hand against an arm- tight grip] "there's a force that makes me feel like I'm drowning" "And then nothing" --- [ Insert scene: alarm clock ] "I only know one thing for sure, this THING showed up the next day" "it follows me" [Bathroom eye contact] "everywhere.." [Walking into the kitchen] "I never know what it wants, sometimes all it does is sit there quietly" ['you want some?'] -- "Mornings like this make me forget that -" ['Trauma void'] "I hate when it talks" ============================ EPISODE 2: ROOMMATES: "[ ], I brought food" [Roommate enters, the house seems empty] [still shot of cup on coffee table] [knocks onto the door] "[---]?" [She opens the door and sees {mc] on the floor] "hey" "hey"

"did you eat?" "ill eat later" 'the food will only make you bigger than you are ' [ Silent still shot of the two of them] ".. you've gotten quieter" "Maybe I was always this way" 'no you weren't, you've changed " stop that" "stop what" ' she's judging us ' " Stop acting like you don't have a problem!!" [Trauma and [ ] grow silent as they both look at their angered roommate] [Roommate sighs before reaching to gently grab [. ] 's hand] "im worried about you [---]" 'she's not worried, who would care for someone like you "Why, nothing wrong" "don't say nothing wrong- you need to really think [----]; you know there's something - up with you" "Im. Fine" 'you're fine you're fine you're fine you're fine" [distress clearly on their face as raised up anxiety is beginning to affect them] " you're not - look I don't know what's up for sure - but - looking for some healthcare person who can just- listen to you-" "do you think I'm crazy?" ' crazy crazy crazy' "no! god- no! look healthcare people are specialized to help you - they can understand what's happening - whatever that is - they can help YOU understand what's wrong-" "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME" [Trauma grips onto MC] [Roommate stares silently noting that they seem more distant]. "okay." "Trauma-informed care and services involves " understanding, anticipating, and responding to the issues, expectations, and special needs that a person who has been victimized may have in a particular setting or service at a minimum, trauma informed services should endeavor to do no harm - to avoid retraumatizing survivors or blaming them for their efforts to manage their traumatic reactions" (According to Bath, 2008)"(Taylor,20) EP. 2 ""Understanding, anticipating, and responding to the issues, expectations, and special needs that a person who has been victimized may have in a particular setting or service. At a minimum, trauma-informed services should endeavor to do no harm -- to avoid retraumatizing survivors or blaming them for their efforts to manage their traumatic reaction (According to Bath (2008). 19) " (Taylor, 20) Ep. 2 ==================== EPISODE: 2: HAPPY BIRTHDAY: "[. ]!! open up!!" [Mc. who has been on the couch looking slightly disheveled looks away from the TV and walks to the front door with the blanket - the trauma hiding under it] [Door opens] [Several friends stand outside all holding various birthday items - all with bright smiles] [MC Looks back in silent shock] [ still shot of the sky as a speech bubble of "happy birthday"] -- [show the pop of champagne as everyone sits around the coffee table] "you all didn't have to come..." "nonsense! Why wouldn't we come to keep company to our dear friend?" "Why do you always sound so posh-" "ANYWAY- how do you feel? How's your birthday so far? " "It's, okay.." "just okay? big 21? and it's just okay?" "It's an age" [They all continue talking and having a good time taking a sip of their own drinks] [MC feels unnerved noticing their eyes- are their eyes on her, She feels trauma whispering into her head, she doesn't want to be there. she's crowding into herself] "[. ]? are you alright?" "huh?" "you seem... out of it?" "oh, yeah i'm fine" ' you are fine' "you sure? you don't look well" "have some cake" [Mc looks uncomfortably at the cake] 'you're fine' "i know" 'there's nothing wrong with you' "you're attention seeking' "i don't want to be here" [shows everyone having fun] 'why? you like parties, you've always liked parties' "I just don't anymore" 'what the hell the matter with you, you should be happy ' . 'yeah, why am I not happy.' 'why do I feel so, far away '

"Coping mechanisms are strategies used by people who are managing painful or difficult emotions caused by stress or trauma" (Kramer,15) EP. 2

""Coping is defined as the cognitive and behavioral efforts made to master, tolerate, or reduce external and internal demands and conflicts among"(Folkman & Lazarus,1980)" (Kramer, 15) EP.2 ============================= EP: 3: HOMELAND [I've been thinking about my situation. trying to think about wether or not I should be afraid for myself]

[it doesn't help that - that thing has been more persistent than usual. Like it knows me better than I know myself... Like a certain someone, I know] "Mami?" "I brought food!!!" [a short woman with a perfectly pressed dress and blouse holding up multiple bags. Her smile is evident] ============ [the small woman walks around judging everything, her child and trauma following suit] "you live like this" "Mami- it's been a busy week-" "busy doing what? I raised 5 children and I lived cleaner than this when I was your age-" "Mami, times are different now" [scene change, showing a disgruntled face of the mom] " the only thing that's changed is this generation, always just blaming anyone and everyone and just never getting things done" [ fade into the mc, the mc seems distracted and distant as their trauma repeats and warps their mothers' words] [Mom turns around] "[. . .]?-" [she gasps lightly as she sees the trauma. Her eyes fixed on it, in her own fear she grabs her daughter's hand] "Come, let's do your laundry" == [Folding laundry] [mother glanced at her as she folds, noticing they look tired and drained] She sighs "

"People will begin to disengage or avoid stressful interactions as a way of dealing with their discomfort (Ayers, Sandier, West,& Roosa,1996; E. A. Skinner et al.,2003)" (Kramer, 18) EP.3

" "Helplessness can be another way of coping, examples of this coping method include inaction or passivity and lends itself to giving up or relinquishing any control over the situation (E.A, Skinner et al,2003)" (Krammer, 18) EP.3

[goldentournesol]

to be true, to not be true (epilogue)

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary: early in y/n’s and spencer’s relationship, y/n fears the growing distance between them, although what seemed to be possible infidelity, is actually much worse–for spencer.

Length: 1k

A/N: i wrote this in collaboration with one of my favorite writers on here, Mia over at @mggpleasedontlookhere​. we are very proud of this one :) HERE’S THE FINALE!

masterlist part 1 part 2

I was afraid the chocolate he got me would taste sour, but it was luscious. I found comfort in the sweetness, just as I had found comfort in Spencer. It’s been a week since his confession. I also couldn’t help but feel a little ridiculous in my accusations. I had jumped to conclusions and couldn’t see the signs of my boyfriend in pain. The guilt ate away at me for a while, but Spencer let me know that he had been hiding it to the best of his ability. I eventually told him that I wanted to be the one he ran to when he was in pain. Both of us had our fair share of issues with vulnerability and insecurity, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t work through them together.

And so, here I sat, my head in his lap, his hand in my hair like all those weeks ago. This time, when our gazes met, there were no underlying feelings. No words left unsaid. The air was finally cleared and we could finally breathe. The air tasted sweeter somehow, now that I understood fully. The past week was not easy. Reconciliation was a bumpy road and I was not prepared for the ride. Spencer and I are stubborn, proud individuals. I had almost kicked him out of my apartment that night. I had almost ended the relationship right then and there. What else was I supposed to do when he’d said such vicious things?

But he’d seen the crack in my armor. The room was heavy with the guilt I felt and my subsequent tears were even heavier. The tears fell free before I could even tell them not to. His behavior made sense. I saw it then, he’d squint if the room was too bright and would often ask me to turn the TV volume down. His stories had become less animated, he had become less animated. He was going to sleep much earlier than he usually did. I should have caught on, but I just assumed that his long days had taken a toll on him. Spencer was no stranger to overworking himself.

He explained that he’d gone to countless doctors and I expressed how upset it made me that he was going through all that on his own. I could have been there for him, I could have supported him, but he wasn’t used to having someone to lean on. He was his own protection all his life, and I understood that. I made it clear that he had someone to lean on now, someone who loved him and looked after him.

The doctors had trouble diagnosing him so he referred to a renowned geneticist. She was one of the greatest minds in her field apparently. It was a she, after all, and she had a name. Maeve Donovan. It was easier to have a name. It personified her. She was less of an abstract being and more of a person. I thought about how much of my time and energy she’d unknowingly spent before I even knew who she was. Or I guess I was the one who’d spent it.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, looking up at Spencer, who was focused on the TV now. He finally had the weekend off after finishing a case in Wisconsin. I’d been tasked by Dr. Donovan to make sure that he’s getting at least eight hours of sleep each night. He’d been good at going to bed on time, his issue was with staying asleep more than going to sleep, anyway.

“I’ve been better, but to be honest, I’ve also been much worse.” He shrugged. Spencer’s eyes were never unkind, his soul was too kind to let them show anything other than that. Even now, his eyes were soft, even softer due to the dim light in my apartment.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” I sat up to face him. I’d been doing my own research on migraines. Mostly how to relieve pain. Dr. Donovan also mentioned a series of supplements that he had to keep track of. I’ve made sure to incorporate more vitamin-enriched foods into our diet as well as made sure to keep him adequately hydrated.

I recognized the mischief in his eyes before he could even get a word out, “Actually, I think it’s time for my hourly dose of kisses.”

I threw my head back in a hearty laugh before cupping his face gingerly and bringing it closer to mine, “Who am I to deny you your medication?”

His grin was contagious, it went straight to my heartstrings and I felt weightless when he looked at me like that. His hands were perched on my waist and I brushed our noses together once before sealing our lips.

Together we lived in the clouds, sharing the same bubble. We’ve finally rebuilt the fantasy we had before, although this time a newfound trust had formed. However, that is not to say that everything was instantly perfect. Frankly, I think that the inexperience and the unknown is what gives beauty to this world, our world. To me, anything with him was perfect, no matter what the great philosophers say. But they were right in one aspect: defining voluntary ignorance.

The bliss I felt in our intimate space was addicting, it turned my brain into gullible mush. I didn’t want to believe that eternity didn’t exist. How can it not when it feels like this? I refuse to believe it. But harsh reality does not lie, it is only ourselves willing to fall for it. One day, Spencer’s arms would no longer be around me, and his lips would no longer brush softly against mine. The bubble would shatter like glass, the deception following suit. But for now, this lie was a silent agreement between Spencer and I. No matter the blissful ignorance we shared between us; no matter the ignorance of Spencer’s remaining lucidity, I knew this was the only lie we wished to be true.

[nikethestatue]

Hey, love yours Elriel posts! You write so beautifully! It's a delight to read your one shots and fanfics. Was wondering if you could write something about Azriel having an insecure moment and Elain reassuring him which leads to them having their first time.

Thank you so much! Here you go!

An Elriel one-shot.

When Stars Were Falling

The party inside was in full swing, people coming in and out of the House of Wind, drunk on champagne, on the afterglow of the falling stars, on this magical evening.

Elain, picking up the hem of her cobalt velvet gown, made her way out onto the terrace.

She’d noticed Azriel’s face after the announcement. She’d known how he felt, even if his expression remained stoic and emotionless. But the eyes…the eyes were a giveaway. The eyes ached with pain, and disappointment, and such longing, that even across the room, she felt that gaze lacerate her heart.

If only he understood that this wasn’t her fault. That she had no idea. She was just as shocked, as surprised and as unsettled as he was. Yet she felt unbearable guilt, for whatever reason. As if she’d been lying to him all this time. He was a rational male, and there was no way that he would be blaming her for this turn of events, but she sensed that something snapped into him. He plunged into a darkness that was deeper and thicker and more dangerous than any of his natural brooding.

Up and down the balconies and terraces she searched, her high-heeled strappy sandals only a hinderance to the search. Once she moved to the darker, less-prominent side of the house, there were fewer people around, and she hiked up her skirt above the knee and launched into a veritable run. Gods, she hoped that he didn’t fly away. Her winnowing abilities left much to be desired, and she had no idea how to winnow to a male who did not want to be found. Last thing she needed was to get lost in the folds of the universe where even Rhysand wouldn’t be able to find her.

She found him at last.

Azriel. Her Azriel.

Alone, he was sitting on the balcony, upon the stone railing with his feet dangling off of it, and he seemed unperturbed by the dark chasm below him. His wings, usually tightly pressed and meticulously cared for were drooping limply behind him, dust and debris smudged over the delicate membrane.

“Azriel,” she said softly, so not to startle him.

He did not turn to her, though the shadows skittered away, allowing the two of them privacy. She was glad for it. She didn’t want to think that he needed them around her, to protect him from her.

“You left,” she noted the obvious. Her palms were sweaty. This new Fae body of hers certainly wasn’t terribly useful when it came to preventing her fingers from shaking, her breath from stalling, her heart from hammering in her breast.

“I was there for Starfall,” he reminded her listlessly.

She looked at the dark sky, and said, “They are still falling.”

“I’ve seen this for 520 years…” he shrugged.

“And you no longer see the beauty in all of it?” she pressed, coming closer.

“Perhaps appreciating beauty such as this isn’t a gift that is given to a bastard-born maimed nobody like me,”

“Azriel!” she exclaimed, horrified at the words, at the hate that she heard in his dark, controlled voice.

“Elain,” he whirled to her, “please leave.”

He’d never been so blunt with her. Never said something like this to her face. She always assumed that he never wanted her to leave his side.

“Why?” she pleaded.

“You’ll be a High Lady,” he spat. “Mated to the heir to Day Court! What do you want with me?”

She cried, “I didn’t know! Lucien didn’t know! Nobody,”

“But it’s irrelevant, isn’t it? You still are. Congratulations, by the way,” his tone was somber, but resentful too. Mocking. “The golden crown of Day would look lovely on you. You are sunshine personified,” he chuckled bitterly. “It only makes sense. The Cauldron, after all, doesn’t make mistakes. It’s never wrong.”

She walked across the balcony and stopped at his side.

“Look at me,” she demanded.

“I’d rather not.”

“Please,” she reached out to touch his shoulder, but he flinched away, as if she was going to burn him with her fingertips.

“Elain, I will humbly request that you leave,” he said curtly. “Please. I will deal with this myself, as I see fit. I know exactly what I am. What my role is. I am the spymaster for the High Lord of the Night Court. Someone I thought of as a brother, but who betrayed me, hid things from me that he ought to have revealed so not to play with my heart and emotions,”

Her throat bobbed, but it was not her place to defend Rhys. This was between the two of them. All she wanted to do was to reach and gently tug on his jacket, to ensure that he did not fly away from her, from the conversation.

“I am no heir. I am not fit to be mated to you. To be loved by you. To be chosen by you. I know it now. I think that I’ve known it always…”

Tears streaked down her cheeks.

“I am sorry that I am making you cry,” he sighed. “That I could never make you happy.”

“Az,”

He finally turned to her and then gently, tenderly ran his scarred thumb over her cheek, catching her tears.

“I am sorry, Elain. You deserve it all. You deserve the world. You certainly deserve to be the High Lady of Day. You deserve Helion as your father-in-law and Lucien as your mate, as your husband,”

“I do,” she nodded solemnly.

Perhaps he wasn’t expecting this simple agreement from her, but he looked at her with some surprise, his scarred hand still cradling her cheek, her jaw.

So, he couldn’t keep away, after all. Elain maintained her expression, but her heart beat a little faster.

“I do,” she repeated, nodding slowly, as if considering her thoughts.

“You do,” he concurred.

She looked away, at the falling stars that streaked across the sky.

“There is only one problem,”

The harsh skin of his palm scraped the tender skin of her cheek when his hand tightened on her face a little.

“I don’t want to be a High Lady. Not unless you are a High Lord. Perhaps,” she mused, “we are missing a Court? Maybe you should become the High Lord of Dusk…”

Everything in Azriel stilled. His hazel eyes darkened. His body tensed, coiling around her every word.

“That’s the only way I would be a High Lady,”

She continued, in the same light tone, “I do know a secret.”

“Another secret?”

“Well, I didn’t know about that other secret. But I do know another…”

“Tell me?”

“Aren’t you the spymaster? Do you want to venture a guess?”

He sighted, looking exhausted and shook his head no.

“What secret, Elain?” he pressed. “Please,”

“The Cauldron does make mistakes,” she offered simply.

She threaded her fingers with his and pressed his palm to her cheek, and then kissed it. Kissed the inside of his palm, then the hand.

“It made a mistake with a bastard born nobody Illyrian and a human girl who didn’t like and feared the Fae. It made a colossal mistake when it decided that this girl could ever love anybody but this Illyrian. Because that’s all she could do. She loves his scarred hands and his scarred, tormented heart, and his beautiful brain, and his smile,” she kissed his hand with each proclamation. “She loves his glorious wings, and, if she is being honest, his face doesn’t hurt either—not that she is vain or anything,”

“No.”

He exhaled a shaking breath.

“Anything else she loves?”

“Oh, yes,” Elain took his other hand, and began her slow barrage of kisses anew, “she loves his humour, and she even loves his walk…The Illyrian saunters, did you know that?”

He cocked his brow, “Saunters?”

“Yes. Very distinct walk. You know, sometimes, when he isn’t watching, she’ll play with his shadows?”

“He does know that,” he chuckled. “The shadows don’t listen, and sneak out to play with the girl,”

She stepped closer, and her breath bathed his ear, when she whispered, “And she wants those shadows to glide over her naked body when their master is inside of her,”

Azriel started, breathless.

A wild, teasing glint lit up her brown eyes when she pulled away,

“I want you, Azriel. I choose you. I need you. No one else. Never anybody else. Never.”

“Elain, do you understand,”

“I understand,” she interrupted him. “I know what I am doing. If I am going to walk the path of Eternity with someone, it would be you. Only you. My love. No High Lady titles or riches could ever sway me.”

She looked at him and then, through the tears that were streaming down her face, she smiled and said,

“Kiss me, you stupid man. Male. Whatever. Shadowsinger. Azriel. Because I love you.”

And he did.

Because he loved her too.

When Azriel winnowed them to Hewn City, into its dark palatial glory and into his bedroom, Elain had no hesitations. It was always going to be the two of them. Bonds and Cauldrons be damned.

In the frenzy of the next few days, her clearest recollection was that of his voice.

It’s his fucking voice.

Azriel and his damned midnight voice, that flowed over her like the velvet of her favorite dress, smoothing along her lips, her neck, and down down down her body, where it whispered and praised and instructed and paid homage to every little part of her. Elain listened to that voice, tempering it with the way her hips tilted up to meet his thrusts and loved how it deepened for her… Dragging her nails down his back and listening to his voice groan and delight in her. She moaned, moaned, moaned for him and came to his every touch and heard how he applauded her. Yes love. Just like that. Good, good, good. Again, again, again. Elain, Elain, Elain. And the I love you that ruined her every single time he parted his lips and told her.

[fanartfunart]

@sapony01​ commented on one of my Sides Swap posts: Can you explain their function and personality a bit better/explore them? Some are kinda obvious but some kinda confuse me

And, but of course! I’m totally open to it! (I’m mostly making another post for it because otherwise it’ll get absurdly long)

To summarize, the main idea is that they keep their personality and secondary traits they represent (Like Ego, Emotionality, ect), while further representing the Main Trait (like Anxiety, Creativity, ect)

The rest under the cut:

Anxiety

Roman: His key representation of Anxiety would befall closer to overemphasizing bravery and ignoring problems, and of course, insecurities. Thus a focus on Dangers you can Fight, and avoiding things you can’t. A emphasis on the Knight theme as a representation of bravery. He’d use ego and theatricality as a cover- a ‘be weird before people can accuse you of being weird because then it’s on purpose’ type logic.

Patton: The type of Anxiety where you emotionally over extending yourself because you’re scared of social-emotional repercussions. Caring so much that there’s no time and energy to care for yourself. Also a good representation of the Dad-Friend override for Anxiety.

Logan: A representation of over-analyzing the world like an outsider, that emotional distance that, while you’re curious of all the things around you, you can’t help but focus on the bad. Avoidance becomes a key factor and everything is categorized as bad or good off of exaggerated ‘proof’.

Janus: Very self protective to the point that things outside the Comfort Zone are almost always negative and overwhelming. Sarcasm, brittleness, and lying as a way to avoid things outside the Comfort Zone.

Remus: Overthinking creating an Anxious reaction. Basically seeing things in the shadows and over-analyzing interactions. Essentially worries cropping up out of the idea of various terrible things you can think of possibly coming at you from the smallest of hints to it. Also Knight theme because why not.

Creativity 

Logan: A more organized and analytic approach to creative works. Prone to being a literary critic. Draws from media to explain a point. As creativity would likely be the type of writer that hides details and metaphors in everything, focus on foreshadowing and the such.

Janus: Never lets anything be direct, people should be able to make their own conclusions about the meaning of the text. Probably thinks method acting is fun. The kind of actor/writer that easily shrugs on different types of characterizations that it makes other people dizzy seeing him switch between them.

Virgil: Your inner Emo Art Phase personified (everyone has at least one somewhere in there). Would prefer to be either a lesser known creator, or not let Thomas use his real name (thus Ghostwriter), because being Known is Awkward and his work can get too real, being known as a real person could detract from the art. Focus on art as an outlet for expressing negative feelings and stress relief.

Patton: Take your craft-happy relative who always hand-makes gifts and you’ve got Creativity Patton. Just wants to have fun and share the fun. Draws from positive emotional experiences for creativity because he wants to give everyone who sees said art a hug through said art. (Yes, his design is vaugely based off of Disney’s Pinocchio Geppetto aka Pinocchio’s dad.)

Remus: Take Remus as he is, and then take the ‘intrusiveness’ out of him. He basically has all the same horrifying ideas, but he doesn’t use them to make Thomas upset or anything, he’s just making stories.

Logic

Patton: Sorta a relaxed logic, understands not everything can be solved with a clean logical solution and that emotions hold a important space in people’s actions. Is that little logical voice when you’re super mad going ‘you’re mad because this, this, and this, and this is probably an overreaction to what you’re expressing your anger to, but it’s still valid.’ Prone to emotional fallacies though.

Virgil: You know any super cool teacher/professor who teaches you what the book says and then closes the book and says ‘ok now guess what, they’re also wrong, and I’m probably wrong too’?? Virgil as logic. (also why I kinda gave him the ‘tired + university hoodie’ style) Emphasizes learning from various sources and never trusting any of them 100%. Doesn’t trust his own information either, and it makes him stressed.... but like, he’s always stressed anyway so it’s chill. 

Roman: Bounces from topic to topic to learn. Very curious and easily inspired- also easily distracted. The definition of what a liberal arts education should be doing- aka, connecting seemingly unrelated topics. An Encyclopedia of very specific information. But, once he’s got a set of information it’s hard to let go of it, which makes it hard to adjust to being told he’s wrong.

Janus: Emphasis on how information is always being adjusted, and people’s biases are always present in studies and interpretation. Focuses on debunking things. Also kinda makes it hard to 100% be sure of any information presented.

Remus: Enjoys abusing the ‘technicalities’ in things. A little hard to follow in terms of train of thought. Disturbing Facts are still facts.

Morality

Virgil: Emphasis on sympathy and ‘do what you’d hope people would do for you’ moral arguments. Focus on social structure for the ground rules for moral behavior. That guy who’s constantly nice because he wished someone was nice to him, ya know? Hates the idea of being a bad person so much that it causes a lot of guilt and mistrust of the self.

Logan: Thinks of moral behavior as an equation of sorts. People do good things and that causes good things and that allows the social structure to work as it should, so do good things. Draws on philosophy and other social sciences to argue his points. Easy to readjust his thinking with proper reasoning.

Roman: Just wants people to be happy! And to be good! Emphasis on the reactions of others and how that effects your social/emotional well-being. Do good because it feels good kinda guy (he wants to be somebody’s Hero, ya know how it be).

Janus: Understands that morality is such a grey place that most anything can be seen as bad if you argue it enough. Places value on the self as someone deserving of feeling good as well, and bases moral values on what you as an individual wants to do. Also still kinda morally grey in general and probably shouldn’t always be listened to.

Remus: I Follow no Rules but My Own. Full rejection of social pressures. What precisely that means for his resulting moral standing is up to debate.

Deceit

Logan: Woorsst lair because he’ll twist truth and facts into it and it’s hard to pick out what’s the lie. Very blunt about his role as deception and its benefits and drawbacks. Very good about remembering which lies were told when and to who. Not the kind to lie more than seen necessary.

Roman: Focus on lying as acting and getting to where you need to go in life. ‘Fake it til you make it’ is his motto and it also includes mental states. Makes it hard to be honest about feelings. Very much a ‘lying to yourself’ aspect.

Virgil: Lying to avoid perceived negative repercussions. Lying still bothers him- as lying can also cause negative reactions. Focus on lying in reaction to events, less so on lying to the self. Not every lie is especially necessary though, knee-jerk reactions and fear make it very easy to lie. Lies of omission being the most utilized.

Remus: The opposite to Roman’s ‘lying to yourself’. Lying to others just to see their reactions. Uses being ‘blatantly honest’ about taboo subjects to seem honest about other things.

Patton: Lying to spare people’s feelings and being perceived well. Focus on lying or omitting the truth to seem like everything’s awesome.

Intrusive Thots

Patton: Makes emotional reactions overwhelmingly hard to gauge and control, results in terrifying thoughts and feelings with little control or filter. Gets stuck on ideas because of how hard he’s trying to push it away (yea know, like the white bear experiment).

Virgil: Thinks in problem solving, but the problems are of course, the thoughts of his own creation. Incessant about ‘solving’ the perceived problem.... not much else changes.

Logan: The Mad Scientist aesthetic is fun, what can I say? Takes facts and focuses on the scary parts, and then brings them back up on the slightest hint of relevance, and sometimes just Because. Some of it is curiosity taken into a frightening territory and gets overwhelming.

Janus: Emphasis on what happens if terrible things happened. Also likes using the ‘you’re gonna go to hell anyway just dive in with me’ argument. Occasionally pops up in a way that sounds almost nice, then turns horrifying very quickly.

Roman: Take Roman, make his ideas more Remus. He’s already Loud and Proud, just make him scarier, and a little more incessant and probably a little more arrogant for good measure.

[castielific]

I’m just sitting here and realizing that if it wasn’t for Castiel, Dean would have died not having been loved or knowing his own self-worth. 

People gives shit to destiehellers and Misha for “forcing” the destiel agenda on the show, yet try and imagine the exact same scenario for the last three episodes, but without Cas’ speech. How does it feel?

Dean would have died thinking that he was only good as “the ultimate killer”. He would have died never having been loved, thinking he didn’t deserve to be. He would have died thinking that he had never been anyone’s priority, that no one ever wanted to stay with him, or loved him for who he really was. 

Sure, some people loved him: as a friend, a lover or family, but that was never enough, was it? 

His family? They all left him behind at some point, all made him feel like they were forced to stay by his side, like they would leave him behind at the first chance they would get. Hell, they all did! At one point or another, they all chose something else over Dean.Sam loves Dean, Dean knows that and takes comfort in that, but does he believe he’s Sam’s priority? That Sam’s love is unconditional? Sam left Dean more than once before in search of a “normal” life (as a teen when he ran away, when he went to Standford, when Dean was in Purgatory, ...). Dean has been hurt by it, and has deeply rooted insecurities because of it, as well as guilt for being the one keeping Sam away from the life he wants. That has been addressed enough on the show that I feel like I don’t have to explain it further. Sam is Dean’s number on priority, has always been, even above his own wellbeing; Yet Dean does not believe that Sam feels the same about him. As for John...he’s always chosen his revenge rather than his sons, and is known for either leaving Dean behind or sending him away. Mary left when she died and then (maybe even more painfully) when she came back and couldn’t deal. And then she died again. Mary is Dean’s trust and abandonement’s issue personified. 

His girlfriends? In all his adult life, Dean only had two meaningful girlfriends. The first one, Cassie, left him when she realized who he really was (a hunter, a killer). The second one, Lisa, couldn’t accept him fully either, made him feel (involontarily) like he wasn’t good enough for the life he’d always dreamt about, and made him abandon the idea altogether. 

We all agree that Dean’s death sucked and he deserved better, but can you imagine how much worse it would have been if it wasn’t for the destiel’s love confession? 

Dean would have never known that someone truly believed in him, believed he was good and worthy of love, that someone finally put him above everything else and chose him, truly know him yet still wanted to be with him. 

I guess what I want to say with this rant is: Thank you Misha. Thank you Jensen. Thank you Bobo. You all knew the end would suck and you managed to save it, as much as you could with what you were given. You gave us hope and satisfaction, even if it was short lived. You gave us the handprint and you gave Dean the chance to hear the words that we all wanted to say to him. You couldn’t save him, but you made sure he didn’t die feeling worthless and unloved. He died knowing he wasn’t a killer and a weapon, but a loving brother, father and friend. Someone that managed to incite love in a being that wasn’t supposed to be capable of it. He was beautiful inside and out, and he was loved. Thanks to Cas, he died knowing it.

[daddyjackfrost]

The Gods— small drabbles pt 2

‘A girl walked beside Aphrodite. Normally, this would be disrespectful, but Aphrodite respected the girl enough to allow her to walk beside her.

Both women reached the end of the garden, and sat on the bench that was made of gold and ivory vines.

Aphrodite looked at peace, and beautiful. To the girl, Aphrodite looked a lot like her mother, and best friend. The two most beautiful women in her life. It was unnerving to sit beside the Goddess, for Aphrodite was cunning and hard to read.

Out of all the Olympians, Aphrodite was the one that scared her the most. Even after years though, the girl could not fully comprehend the Gods and their relationships with each other.

The girl cleared her throat, “May I ask you something?”

Aphrodite hummed in answer.

“You are the Goddess of love, beauty, and passion.”

Aphrodite slightly turned to face the girl. “Correct.”

“I mean no disrespect, when I say and ask this.” Aphrodite nodded and the girl continued. “You of all people understand that love is more than beauty,” Aphrodite narrowed her eyes at the girl, but the girl did not see. She was too busy playing with her fingers.

“You are married to Hephaestus, yet, even after millenniums, you could not love him. Why? As the Goddess of love, was his love not enough?”

Aphrodite did not speak, not immediately. She was too stunned.

The girl had befriended Hephaestus years ago. The God lacked love and attention and the girl knew she had to help him. Every time the God told her stories about the mistreatment he received, her anger grew.

“Yes, Hephaestus may be unattractive by godly standards, yet he is beautiful in his own way. His metal work, have you seen it? It is truly stunning. Have you ever seen him in action? He truly is a God. My question for you, Aphrodite, is, if the Goddess of Love cannot find live in the deformed, how can others?”

There was only stillness in the garden.

The girl had promised herself that she would question the Gods. Humble them. She wanted to know the truth about their world and she would get it. She knew the Gods had been playing her, and lying about it. Now it was her turn, and she would turn the world into her own damned chess board. She had started with Aphrodite because the question had been bugging her for a long time. The Goddess of love, participating in adultery? The irony seemed unmatched.

Aphrodite stared at the fountain. The words had cut her deep. No one had dared ever questioned the Gods, much less their relationships and actions so openly.

“I cannot confine my love to just one other.”

The girl wanted to snicker. Of course, she thought. She had expected this answer.

Though the Gardens of Olympus were safe and private, any God with access to Olympus had access to the gardens. Hestia stood at the entrance of the garden. Far enough from sight, but was still able to hear the conversation.

Meanwhile, Hephaestus watched from his own palace on Olympus. Usually he would have resided in Mountain Aetna’s volcano, but he felt as if he needed to be on Olympus. He was correct. For he too, listened to the conversation of the two women.

“That is not entirely true, is it Aphrodite?”

Aphrodite fully turned to face the girl. The girls words began to flare something in the Goddess.

“Speak your mind child, I am listening.”

“You personify a very specific kind of love, passion. What feels right and looks good.”

Aphrodite frowned. “What do you mean?”

She continued, “I think it is simply against your nature to be faithful to anyone, except to passion and ultimately, yourself.”

Aphrodite let out an unflattering snarl. “Are you telling me my own nature?”

The girl shivered, yet kept her composure. She would not fold because the Goddess had regarded her in a cold voice. She needed to understand the Gods, and to do that, she had to compare her best guess at their nature against their own.

“No, I am not. I am simply saying what I have come to realize. True it may not be, but truth lies within it.”

The Goddess stared at the girl. Though the urge to put a curse on the girl was strong, her words had ripped a small part of Aphrodite’s thick skin.

“You do not cheat on yourself, though. You always give yourself what you want, and as a result, Hephaestus gets left behind. But love hurts, does it not? You are not faithful to your lovers, just as they are not faithful to you.”

The girl stood up and stretched her arms. Aphrodite watched her with alarmed eyes and a small frown.

She turned and smiled at the Goddess, “Good day, my lady.” Aphrodite’s eyes widened and she reached out to grab her arm. “Where are you going?”

The girl shrugged. “My apologies. To question you would be to question all the Gods, correct? After all, neither of the Gods have truly been faithful to one, have they? Except Hades and Persephone I believe. But I may be biased.”

The girl removed her arm from the Goddess and turned to walk away, a smirk on her lips. Before she could get far she whispered, “After all, a healthy marriage is unheard of on Olympus.”

She walked away from the Goddess, leaving her stunned. A permanent smile made its way to the girl’s face. The Gods had been playing with her, so now she would play with them. She would tug at their insecurities, their flaws, and she would exploit them. She will unravel the peace between them, the peace they all fought so hard to maintain. She would play the role of a titan, and corrupt Olympus.

From the pools of mercury in Hephaestus’s palace, the God himself watched. A haggard laugh left Hephaestus’s lips. He had never seen someone baffle Aphrodite the way the girl had.

Her words warmed yet struck Hephaestus’s heart. He knew the woman cared for him, he had never had that before.

He only felt immense guilt after she defended him, she spoke of him with pride and love, and the knowledge of his betrayal only weighed him down.

As the girl walked, Hestia watched her. Her eyes were narrowed and calculating, though the sides of her lips had been turned up. She knew exactly what the girl had planned to do, and she was amused.

The girl made eye contact with the Goddess and smiled innocently. “Hestia, I am sorry, I did not see you there.”

Hestia gave the girl a guarded and knowing smile.

“What are you up to, girl?”

The girl smiled innocently, eyes twinkling. “I haven’t the slightest idea of what you speak of, my lady.”

Hestia took three steps forward, and leaned her head towards the girl. Their noses touched and a small warmth spread across Eleanor’s face.

“Be very careful whom you play with, child. One does not simply play with fire and not burn,” Hestia whispered the words tauntingly.

The girl smiled and nodded. “I know. I plan to play with fire, and if I burn, so will they.” She tipped her head slightly in respect and walked away. Hestia was one of the only Goddesses the girl truly respected.’

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- a small drabble from a book i have yet to write

daddyjackfrost © 2021 | all content belongs to me, do not modify

Taglist; @h-grangerstudies @demigod-groupchat

[nabrizoya]

Thanks for the prompt, mate, @jb-lh. Sincerely hoping you enjoy this!

Prompt: 46 + “Please don’t say that about yourself. Don’t believe that. You’re so much more than that. You’re so...”

Ship: Thomas x Alastair (Thomastair)

White Tulips and Purple Hyacinths

Ambling through Hyde park with Alastair Carstairs was not what Thomas had expected on a nimble December evening. As such, he was equal parts wary and interested. The London skyline was a melancholy orange blurring against the snow atop trees and buildings. It reminded Thomas of pumpkins covered with cream.

He thrust his fisted hands into his pockets. Silence ensued. “I like blueberries,” Alastair started.

He glanced at the boy next to him. “What?”

Alastair waved his outstretched hand towards a distant tree with budding flowers. There were scars that were beginning to fade on his knuckles, looking elegant on his caramel skin. “Those flowers you see there, they grow into blueberries. I know.”

Thomas looked away, not sure how to respond. Were there blueberry plants in Hyde Park? He decided to say, “I once had a blueberry pastry. It was nice.”

They walked along mutedly, each lost one another’s silence. Thomas felt dreadfully awkward; he should have turned back when he had first noticed Alastair instead of reckoning a conversation. It hadn’t even been him; Alastair had started talking after he’d returned Thomas’s curious yet accidental gaze. Alastair had been by the lake, looking at the ducks forlornly. Did he like ducks?

“You seem to know a lot about flowers,” Thomas ventured finally. He relaxed his fingers in his pocket before adjusting his mittens. Oddly, it struck him only then that Alastair was not donning his gloves. He wasn’t sure what to make of it either. In truth, he had no idea what to make of Alastair at all.

“I do,” Alastair replied, but did not continue. Many moments of silence later, he carried on, “I- when Cordelia and I were children, we grew up in Iran at the Institute.” Thomas looked at him, only to find stagnant brown eyes looking up at him hesitantly. “You would like it there, I think.”

Thomas paused. “I think I would,” he agreed. His interest in history and the slowly growing curiosity towards ancient architecture did lead him to the structural marvels of Persia. He had looked up the books on buildings and the history they contained. London had its fair share of history, but two places were never the same.

“You would,” Alastair confirmed assuredly, his posture and tone changing at the mention of his home. “The lands; every grain of sand in the deserts around, every leaf and flower, each trace of a design and creation has a story. It is life personified. You like history,” he pointed and continued, “you would like Persia.”

“I like history,” he agreed absently. He was more focused on how Alastair’s shoulders had released some tension. “I like languages too. I speak Persian.”

“I know,” he nodded and then froze.

Breeze swayed the trees, gently shaking the leaves that shed their little share of snow. A flew leaves blew into their faces. When they dusted away, there was snow still harbouring the side of Alastair's shining hair.

“Have you read the Rubaiyat?” Thomas asked instead, a little more determined to not let the conversation go astray. Alastair was trying; it wouldn’t harm to see how this discussion could take a different turn. James, surprisingly, was the one to suggest to give Alastair a chance. To tell him that Alastair was indeed trying to mend things. Thomas had then spoken to Cordelia who had only assured to make the choice his. 

“Have you forgiven him?” 

“I did,” she’d said. “I truly believe my brother is trying to make amends. He has...” Cordelia hesitated. “Thomas, if I tell you something, would you give your word to keep it to yourself?”

When he had promised his assent, Cordelia began to explain the days of desolation that Alastair had spent after returning from the academy. She elaborated on Alastair’s moodiness and withdrawal from reality. How he often resorted to spending his time by himself, making himself unworthy of love and respect and conversation. She mentioned the bruises she had seen along his face and arms as though he had been in battles all day along. Instead, he had been climbing trees, sometimes wielding his spears from the topmost ones as a part of his practice. His aim was very poor, Cordelia had said, much to Thomas’s shock.

“I wish I knew better,” she’d sighed. “He always held darkness in him, and I have come to realise that myself only a few months ago.” With some doubt then, she had further explained the origins of a letter that contained some details that were not Cordelia’s to speak about, a letter about which Alastair had extracted a promise from her. 

“I understand,” Thomas sympathized. 

“I have not,” Alastair said now, gazing at the flowers around them, “However, I plan to. Cord- Layla gifted a copy of it to me this birthday.” In a soft tone he added, “She wanted- She told me to embrace where I am from and not conceal who I am.”

“Cordelia is wise,” Thomas agreed. “There were moments where a few of my Persian words were smudged by my accent. She offered to correct me. I was glad that she did.”

His companion merely nodded, albeit deftly. Thomas felt his own nerves ease. “Like I mentioned earlier, when we were children growing up in the Institute, we had regal gardens. They are still there and when we frequent it as a vacationing destination, we spend time in the gardens.”

Thomas followed his narrative closely. “Our mother ensured us the knowledge of flowers and their meanings, plants, herbs and the medicinal uses that they can be put to. Cordelia knows them all but I’m afraid I might have forgotten them. We learnt perfumery too.

“I’m ashamed,” he endured. Thomas glanced at him sharply. “Years of my life, I wasted away in hiding- hiding behind insecurity and, uh, and bearing through childhood- and in the process, I have hurt people beyond repair.” Thomas continued to gaze at him, though Alastair did not meet his eyes. Instead, he kept looking ahead, staring off into the distance.

How was he to offer comfort to him here? Thomas looked at the lake and momentarily thought of James. He thought of the kind things he could tell Alastair. However, he was unsure of the meaning and value that Alastair might hold of his words, if Alastair held any.

They trudged in eerie quietude. Songbirds chirped high in the trees, weaving an evening melody. “Cousin Jem told me,” Alastair resumed, “that life offers a second chance to those who ardently seek for it. I do not know why I am telling you this; perhaps I want you to know that my heart weighs down everyday with the guilt I carry for being an arse.” He must have presumed Thomas would laugh at that, but Thomas gave no reply.

He wondered if he could assure him, to tell him to not think or say that about himself, that he was more than that, more than the guilt he carried. Those were the words he would commit to any of his friends with certainty when their esteem fell below their knees. Thomas curled his fingers and relaxed his fists. The words to assure the fellow felt hollow to him; he was desperate to say something, but the wound was still raw. Why hadn’t he turned away? Why did he continue the conversation with him? He wasn’t prepared.

For a briefest moment, Thomas wondered if Alastair really meant his apology, if that even was one. Rage had tore through him for the many months after the confession during Cordelia’s engagement. Now he only felt numb and empty. 

Despite the assurances he had about Alastair from his friends, he was uncertain about what to think of him. The tears that his parents had shed when the rumour began to devour their family was vivid in his memory. It was the first time he had seen his father, an excellent, kind and virtuous man, cry. His sisters were pale with anger at the audacity of the Enclave to even partake in such nonsense and his mother had wept, her dignity compromised by mere words. Just a rumour to question years worth of loyalty.

Thomas himself had felt invalidated, but Aunt Tessa’s words were always there for affirmation. He had brushed the rumours off and so had the rest of London eventually. It struck him only then how odd Matthew must have felt when he heard the senseless claims about his father. How Charlotte and Henry had faced their woes. Had there been anybody with whom Matthew had shared his grief? James might know, he thought solemnly, yet his gut nagged no. He didn’t think it was possible that Matthew had shared his pain with someone. The guilt of not being there for his friend began to wreak his heart.

“I- Thomas, I don’t expect you to excuse me. I don’t excuse myself- nor do I expect you to. James did tell me to give you time and I only-” Alastair rambled, stopping to look up and face him. Thomas wondered what his expression conveyed, for Alastair’s face shut up, his form taking on the edge of formality. “It is growing dark,” he declared. “I must leave. It was pleasant seeing you, Lightwood.”

Thomas wasn’t sure what had prompted him thought his hands moved on their own. He held his hand out forth, as if meaning to shake. “Farewell,” he said stonily. Alastair nodded curtly and they parted ways.

Later that evening as night fell over London, Sophie called Thomas to the parlour. He had been looking for more information about Belial, jotting his observations in a notebook he liked to maintain once a moon. Watching Christopher record his observations had encouraged him to write his own thoughts and discoveries down. “These came for you, mi hijo,” his mother said, ruffling his hair with her tired hands when he entered.

Thomas crossed the room towards the contents on the table. On it was a small bouquet of white tulips and purple hyacinths. Inscribed on the small card that came with the flowers were Persian words. They were easy for Thomas to read: the dedication of the Rubaiyat.

White tulips and purple hyacinths denote seeking forgiveness. 

Thank you so much for reading!

[awhiskeyriver]

PSST AMELIA (i have hit the level of comfort where i feel i can scream at you, oop) TELL ME UR BETTY THOUGHTS.... also me too, i really wanna write stories based of Taylor's songs all the time. there's a whole subset of tumblr ask game called like, taylor universes, where we personify songs and on God it's my favorite (i wish i had more swifties in my ranks or i'd host one)

LOL, you can always scream at me! Oh man, that sounds seriously so fun! I would love to personify one of her (or all of her, lol) songs and turn them into stories. She has such a vivid way of writing music it begs to be seen in story form, lol.

Okay so....you may regret asking me for my Folklore thoughts, LOL. This is long and it might make absolutely no sense to anyone other than me but I hope that’s not the case!

Obviously **I know this isn’t true and wasn’t Taylor’s point at all** I’m just a writer and things spin out of control in my head and...yeah...basically this is how I’ve managed to link (almost) all of the songs in Folklore together into one story line of James/Betty/August.

The story begins with in the song Betty, towards the end of Junior year, at the prom.

//I know where it all went wrong, your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym. I was nowhere to be found, I hate the crowds, you know that. Plus, I saw you dance with him.//

I think James has anxiety of some sort [more to come on that later] and in my mind, Betty is more charismatic, maybe even casually popular not in the core group of popular girls but very well-liked and known around the school. Editor of the school paper, ran for student president, etc. Meanwhile James is more low-key, out of the limelight, and the idea of being in such a large crowd dancing gave him anxiety which is why he said no. Seeing her dancing with someone else (even innocently), made him feel worse about himself and his insecurities as well as a little mad at her for not standing with him, but choosing to go dance with friends [‘him’] instead. 

So, he left the dance early [walking home on broken cobblestones] when August sees him [when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intention. She said, James get in let’s drive. Those days turned into nights. Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.]

Personally, I think James only officially cheated on Betty once. The night of the dance with August. August is a more overtly popular; more obvious beauty that is noticed by many boys, maybe a cheerleader, etc. Many people think this popularity instantly equates with happiness, but she’s not happy, actually suffers from self esteem issues and the pressure to conform [Mirrorball: I can change everything about me to fit in]. But James doesn’t ‘oogle’ her or treat her the way typical guys she dates or fucks do, so she’s attracted to him. They kind of bring out this excitement in each other that Betty and the other guys in August’s life don’t. [Mirrorball: I’ll show you every version of yourself tonight. I’ll get you out on the floor- August can pull James out of his shell in ways that Betty can’t]. This is maybe a more “obvious” song link to make, but also how in Mirrorball it’s talked about “spinning in my highest heels love, shining just for you.” And in Cardigan, when Betty is describing August “high heels on cobblestones.” 

ANYWAYS. James feels mad guilty about what happened between August and him, swears her to secrecy, but the weight of the secret weighs on him. At the end of the year, he tells Betty he thinks they should take a break over the summer, so they do. August and James continue to talk, first through platforms like Instagram, commenting on a photo or story, then it turns into constant talking, to texting, to hanging out and inevitably having more sex. For James, it’s a vice of sorts. He feels guilty, he wants to forget that feeling meanwhile August is starting to develop Feelings™. [entire song of August, obviously, but lines like “you were never mine.// your back beneath the sun, wishing I could write my name on it. ] To her, James is also developing feelings for her and wants to be with her. [I remember thinking I had you. Wanting was enough, for me it was enough.] But as the summer starts to end, things become more squirrely between the two of them, and the feeling of being James’ side piece starts to sink in more, and the more she begins to lose him, the more desperate she is to hold onto him. [August: cancel plans just in case you call and say meet me behind the mall. Illicit Affairs: Leave the perfume on the shelf that you picked out just for him so you leave no trace behind, like you don’t even exist.// A drug that only worked the first few hundred times.// what started in beautiful rooms ends in meeting in parking lots.]

It comes to a head at the end of (the month of) August, as summer is ending and the new school year is approaching when James tells August he wants to get back together with Betty and what happened between them meant nothing to him. [Betty: Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.] August is rightfully hurt, embarrassed and angry [Illicit Affairs: Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby look at this godforsaken mess that you made me. You showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else. Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby look at this idiotic fool that you made me. You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else.// And you know damn well, for you I would ruin myself a million little times. Peace: All these people think love’s for show, but I would die for you in secret. Mirrorball: When I break it’s in a million pieces.]

So, senior year begins. Betty and James gets back together. August goes back to the way she was previous to her summer with James, but truly she is broken. Can’t even look at him. The guilt and stress of August is still eating at James, but he’s trying to forge ahead with Betty and the two of them grow stronger and closer throughout the first part of the school year. August’s friend, Inez, obviously notices her downfall, but August continues to allude to “the guy she met over the summer” without saying names. One drunken night, she slips and says James, and Inez being the gossip she is is like w h a t. [Peace: Your integrity makes me seem small.// I talk with shit with my friends, it’s like I’m wasting your honor.// And you know that I’d swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches. Give you my wild, give you a child.// Give you my sunshine, give you my best. But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me.] August forgets about the conversation [she was drunk], but Inez doesn’t and can’t help herself but go to Betty and tell the rumor she heard about James fucking August. Betty, being a newspaper editor, doesn’t believe her without gathering up facts. But as she’s piecing things together, Inez’s story begins to make sense. She confronts James about it, who reluctantly admits to everything.

Betty, of course is devastated and heartbroken. The boy she trusted the most, her first love, wasn’t at all who she thought he was. [Cardigan: you drew stars around my scars, but now I’m bleeding.] And the fact that he didn’t just come clean and tell her after the first time, but continued to cover it up (and keep seeing August) is unforgivable. [Cardigan: tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy--Betty is ready to grow up, think about college, think about life, meanwhile James is clinging to the excuse that he is ‘only seventeen’ [(Betty) Would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing?], refusing to grow up and own his mistakes. 

Betty breaks things off with James. James hates August thinking she did it on purpose. Betty hates them both. August kind of does too.

[August- Mad Woman: Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy and when you say I get angry, I get more angry.]

[Betty- Cardigan: A friend to all is a friend to none, chase two girls lose the one.//When you are young they assume you know nothing.] 

After months of being broken up, James is still not over Betty and tries one last time to win her back at her graduation party before she leaves for college. [Betty, I’m here on your doorstep and I planned it out for weeks now but it’s finally sinking in. Betty right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when I see your face again. The only thing I want to do is make it up to you. So I showed up at your party]. The end of the song, where he’s talking about kissing in her car again, etc is him building their makeup up in his mind, psyching himself up for confronting her because he thinks it will all pay off.

Betty is shocked to see him, as is everyone else at the party, they’d become something of a spectacle, she brings him outside in the garden to talk in privacy without everyone interjecting or staring. Jame’s apology comes in ‘This is me trying’ where he’s trying to explain his actions more logically than placing blame on everyone and everything else, from Betty. [I don’t quite know what to say, but I’m here in your doorway. // They told me all of my cages were mental (the fact that he has anxiety, etc) so I got wasted like all my potential//pouring my heart out to a stranger, but I didn’t pour the whiskey (his and August’s first encounter/cheating incident after Prom). But “this is him trying, at least he’s trying...it’s hard to be at a party when [he] feels like an open wound” and quite honestly, “it’s hard [for him] to be anything these days when all [he] wants is [Betty]. It’s a great apology, he wears his heart on his sleeve, but Betty doesn’t want to fix things between him, she wants to move on. It was too difficult for her to get over him once, she can’t open herself up to trusting him again. [Cardigan: I knew you’d linger like a tattooed kiss, I knew you’d haunt all of my what ifs.// I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired, and you’d be standing in my front porch light.] 

Betty leaves for college.

A few years away in college has caused some healing for Betty and some insight into life outside of her small town and high school boyfriend [The One: If you never bleed you’re never going to grow, but it’s alright now]. But when she’s talking with her mom and something comes up about James, thoughts and feeling she hasn’t felt in years come racing back. She can’t help but wonder how things might’ve turned out if things didn’t end how they did because as much as she hates to admit it, she’ll always love James in some way. [We were something, don’t you think so?// if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you.// it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one.// I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different (if he hadn’t slept with August) would everything be different today?.// You know the greatest films of all time were never made.] [My Tears Ricochet: And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want just not home. And you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones.] 

***Now, things get a little more dicey here not as tight, lol but bear with me***

Betty comes home after graduation from college and runs into James. They’re cordial and nice and when James asks if they can get dinner and catch up, Betty agrees. They have a good evening, reconnect a little, but when they go riding and drive to some familiar places from their childhood, past hard conversations re-arise. It brings a lot of unwelcomed emotions back up in Betty, and she realizes it’s harder than she thought it would be to forgive James. [The One: the greatest films of all time were never made. Exile: I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending.] Meanwhile, James just wants to forgive and forget the past, after all, they were kids, only seventeen. His hurt comes from the fact that after he tried to patch things up after graduation, not only did Betty dismiss him and leave, but she never reached out or spoke to him again. [Exile: It took you five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me with it. Holding all this love out here in the hall.] He came to the front porch/door to try and fix things with her, and she “left out the side door.” 

Betty [My Tears Ricochet: Even on my worst day, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me? Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day. // And I still talk to you (while I’m screaming at the sky) and when you can’t sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)// Hoax: My twisted knife, my sleepless night, my winless fight this has frozen my ground.] 

Hoax is where things come to a head with Betty and James. [Stood on the cliffside screaming, “Give me a reason. Your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in. // You knew it still hurts underneath my scars, from when they pulled me apart. But what you did was just dark.]

Mad Woman continues as August finds out that Betty and James get back together, and cannot get over it. She never got over James either. Only her sadness turns to anger. [Now I breathe flames each time I talk. // They say “move on” but you know I won’t.// It’s obvious that wanting me dead has really brought you two together.] 

Invisible String comes when Betty and James are in a stable, happy place in their relationship again. Possibly engaged for marriage. [Time, mystical time, cutting me open then healing me fine.// Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire. Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons. One single thread of gold tied me to you.// Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.]

And, I like to think that August did eventually move on and found someone who appreciates her and truly loves her, isn’t just using her for revenge, or because she’s hot, or because they’re trying to forget their own problems. But someone who actually values her for herself. (Invisible String: Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart. Now I send their babies presents.)

AGAIN, this is obviously just my own theory/fun. Not meant to be taken seriously. Hope you enjoyed!

[saeysooo]

♚ yandere julian devorak headcanons {punishments} ||

♡ tw: manipulation, psychological terror, isolation, obsession ♡ gender-neutral apprentice

Julian is a firm believer in punishing your lover, especially if you disobey him. He would never stoop low enough to physically harm you, but what he says can guilt trip you into only having your eyes on him. He does it because he loves you!!

“Now, don’t think of this as a punishment... Think of this as a lesson.”

If you are out with your friends, don’t expect to see them for a while. The insecurities in his head eat him away, often leading to his breakdowns when you are not in his visible sight within a given amount of time.

"Don’t say you’re lonely!! You have me, don’t you?!”

He believes that he is doing what’s best for you and your safety.

“I am doing this for us, your safety! Do you want to leave me all alone? You will be safe as long as you stay with me!!”

When he gets really angry at your constant disobedience and counterarguments, Julian will go into unbounded fits of rage, throwing everything and anything off of his desk and around him. 

You can try to calm him down, but he will find a way to benefit himself through it; find a way to receive praise from your sweet little voice!

The terrorizing tone in his voice as he leans over you, making you cower into the corner like the scared little mouse you are.

“Do you think anyone can help you? They would never believe you if you told them... It is my word over yours, isn’t it?”

He laughs in your face at how scared you look, wiping tears that dare to tremble out of your eyes. What he perceives to be a game is what you see to be a personified monster.

“You call me a monster?! Well who is it that makes me a MONSTER?”

He will force your chin in his hand to look at him in his piercing eye, a sneer upon his face at the sorry sight before him.

“Won’t you smile for me, pumpkin? I haven’t even done anything yet~!!”

[science-fish-archived]

Dr. Undyne’s flaws & strengths  

↳ italics indicate mostly like the muse, bold indicates a lot like the muse, and bold italic indicates extremely like the muse.

╳     FLAWS

absent-minded | abusive | addict | adrenaline junkie | aggressive | aimless | alcoholic | anxious | arrogant | audacious | bad liar | bigmouth | bigot | blindly loyal | blunt | cautious | callous | childish | chronic heroism | cheater | clingy | clumsy | cocky | co-dependent | competitive  | corrupt | cowardly | cruel | cynical | delinquent | delusional |  dependent | depressed | deranged | disloyal | ditzy | egotistical |  envious | erratic | evasive | fickle | finicky | fixated | flaky | frail | fraudulent | foul mouthed  | guilt complex | gloomy | gluttonous | gossiper | gruff | grudge  holding | gullible | hedonistic | horrifying | humorless | hypochondriac  | hypocritical | idealist | idiotic | ignorant | immature | impatient | incompetent | indecisive | insecure | insensitive | lazy | lewd | liar | lustful | manipulative | masochistic | meddlesome | melodramatic | money-loving | moody | naive | nervous | nosy | ornery | overprotective | overly sensitive | paranoid | passive | passive-aggressive | perfectionist | pessimist | petty | power-hungry | proud | possessive | pushover | reactive | reckless  | reclusive | remorseless | rigorous | sadistic | sarcastic | senile |  selfish | self destructive | self-martyr | shallow | skeptical |  sociopathic | sore loser | spineless | spiteful | spoiled | stubborn  | suspicious | suicidal | tactless | temperamental | timid | thief |  tone-deaf | traitorous | un-athletic | ungracious | unlucky |  unsophisticated | untrustworthy | vain | withdrawn | workaholic  

♔     STRENGTHS

adaptable | adventurous | alert | alluring | ambitious | athletic | attractive | assertive | brave | bold | calm | caring | capable | charming | charismatic | confident | cooperative | courageous | creative | daring | dedicated | determined | dynamic | eager | easygoing | empathetic | endearing | energetic | enthusiastic | expressive | fair | faithful | fashionable | fearless | focused | flexible | friendly | funny | generous | grateful | happy | hard-working | heroic | honest | honorable | hopeful | humble | humorous | imaginative | independent | intelligent | jolly | leader | lively | logical | loving | mature | maternal | nurturing | open | open-minded | optimistic | organized | paternal | patient | peaceful | polite | powerful | proactive | problem-solver | punctual | reasonable | relatable | reliable | resourceful | respectable | respectful | responsible | sensual | sincere | skillful | spiritual | spontaneous | strong | supportive | talented | trusting | trustworthy | vibrant | warm | willing | wise | witty

Tagging: All the Undertale RPers who play NERDS! @thealphashypal, @gasrieldreemurr, @sciencescales, @universalundernet, @determination-personified, @the-judge-of-bones, @dadster-and-skelesons​, @speaksinhands​ ... and YOU!

[magpiemorality]

Freudian Sides, A Very Long Meta Theory Post

This is a rewrite of a rambling post with my imagining of fitting the Sides into the Freudian Personality Theory of the id, ego and superego. I have never studied psychology but enjoyed researching this a bit! It’s edited and added-to to be more readable and understandable, and mainly to collect all of my own thoughts in one place for me to come back to later. If you’re interested then read on, warning that it’s a long one, full of rambling opinions from this one thinker here, but hopefully some of it is interesting. If you agree with me let me know, if you disagree with me also let me know, but I should point out that this is just one theory I’ve applied to the series and characters and there are probably loads out there that fit!

Let’s get to it~

Warnings: mention of infection, very long post, badly researched psychology!

AO3  

***

The Freudian Personality Theory

Summarised from this article

The theory that Freud presented is that the psyche/personality can be separated into three distinct parts; the ID, the EGO and the SUPEREGO. These are not physical parts but aspects of the psyche that influence the personality of a person. 

The id is the most basic instincts, deep in the subconscious, things like eating, seeking pleasure (in the sense of good feelings for the person), and survival instinct; things that won’t change as you age because they are so intrinsic (apart from the development of the reproduction instinct in those it presents itself in). The superego is the conscience and the ‘ideal self’, your most socially affected part that dictates morality and outward self you want to project into the world. It’s the bit that makes you choose to do stuff for others and follow laws and social rules, and gives you the desire to be better and improve, as well as being a source of guilt or pride if you succeed or fail at those things. The ego balances the two, trying to find the best outcome by appeasing the id while following the code of the superego. It uses rational thinking and grounds decisions in reality while still working to seek a positive overall outcome for the person. It doesn’t have the sense of right or wrong that the superego has, and failing to control the id can result in feelings such as guilt or anxiety, which it may try to unconsciously defend the psyche against as a coping mechanism. It is concerned primarily with helping the personality feel good in a socially acceptable way. 

Sides as aspects of the Personality Theory

So I found that this theory fit rather well with the sides, better than the dark sides/light sides, left brain/right brain, each side has an opposite, disorders vs productive aspects, conscious vs unconscious aspects, all theories which are interesting but never quite rang true for me. The way the theory presents the aspects as independent workers that influence the personality of the person lines up very well against the personified Sides, affecting Character Thomas as he utilises them. 

In that regard I see the sides we see during the series more as entities brought to life and assigned personifications semi-consciously by Character Thomas rather than the aspects of the psyche brought to life, or the sides of his personality brought to life, because I believe that a) he has changed them prior to and during the series by interacting with them consciously and semi or subconsciously assigning them personifications, and b) they all perform multiple roles and duties beyond what their named ‘role’ in the series is, so just sticking to that doesn’t fit, or would require a whole host of other characters that we don’t know about to exist, which I personally don’t see working well within the series (Orange notwithstanding; that’s a discussion for another time!). 

In order to reconcile those things my thoughts were to place each side within the Freudian theory and then explain why they might not entirely fit using points a and b as supporting evidence. 

Firstly, Virgil and Remus would be the id, the instincts and base functions, easily able to disrupt and overwhelm the main psyche if left unchecked. Too much attention paid to these can result in feelings of guilt or anxiety, influenced by the Superego, and overall I think the id is a mess of conflict of instincts as well as survival wars with curiosity and impulse. So, Remus is pure impulse and represents several base instincts such as sexual and morbid. 

The ego is of course Logan and Janus, with their logic and rational thinking and defense of Character Thomas over everything else, which adhering to social values and concepts. They are very much the self control sides and do exactly that, working together not only to keep Virgil and Remus satisfied and not overwhelming, but to do the same for the superego sides. They don’t bother themselves with wrong or right, but prioritise Character Thomas’ well-being, sometimes over the superego as well, keeping that in check just as easily as they keep the id in check. Logan is a notable foil for Remus and often Virgil, and Janus has proven his own desire to act in this way. Perhaps while the superego was essentially in charge this is why the id sides became disordered; because Janus was only able to do half of his role and overcompensated by forcing the id down entirely rather than offering compromise along with Logan and keeping the superego in check at the same time. The feelings of guilt that catalysed that must have been fairly great, which matches up well with Character Thomas’ religious upbringing and how that would have interacted with puberty and his growing sense of self.

That leaves Roman and Patton as the superego, which just fits!! Patton is the conscience and morality side but in many ways so is Roman. He also firmly believes in the code of right and wrong, perhaps recently shown to be influenced by Patton or perhaps he simply feels it more strongly than Patton. We certainly know him to be a product of that way of thinking, with the half of creativity concept. And as Character Thomas’ career aspirations it is interesting to look at him because had there been another career of choice he would perhaps have been entirely different, or if you prefer to look at it the other way; Character Thomas may have chosen to pursue a career in performance because his superego and ideal self is incredibly theatrical and performance orientated. They also both strive to be the best people they can be, more so than any other sides holding themselves to lofty standards and their own account in the model of ‘best’ that society has taught them! The religious influence can’t be downplayed here. And they do influence Thomas's negativity over first Virgil- with Roman’s constant animosity towards the side before the acceptance- and then Remus- from Roman and Patton as well, while Logan the ego is more concerned with neutralising the threat Remus poses instead of fearing him. It could be said that Patton even influences Virgil's reaction to Remus, turning the id on itself by guilting survival instinct into attacking the other instincts as dangerous. Finally, if left unchecked themselves by the ego they also get out of hand and become neurotic and overwhelm the psyche too. Patton caused the distinction between light and dark and is responsible for many feelings of guilt and poor conscience for Character Thomas, while Roman often feels insecure and unsuccessful because his ideal self is too out of reach for reality. They need the ego to stay in touch with reality and to function best for Character Thomas, in cohesion with the other sides. 

Keep reading for the final part of my 'analysis';

How Character Thomas muddled things up

To me, this feels right for how the sides were all formed, with the added caveat that I think the choices Character Thomas made of assigning them personality traits has skewed the picture somewhat. For example as mentioned above; I don't think Remus was initially ‘Creativity’ at all, but that the impulsive thoughts he brought to the table were labelled that way because of the superego's guilt and influence not being held in check by the ego during formative years for the psyche. 

Now the main problem in the Sanders Sides canon is that the sides, well, exist. The fact that Character Thomas sees them consciously and has subconsciously personified them has influenced and changed facets of each one in a very interesting way, character-wise. The superego’s control over everything has inspired Character Thomas to demonise certain aspects that would otherwise have been perfectly natural and safe, albeit in controlled doses. Instead we have the entire id forced subconscious and then breaking out to bring Virgil to the conscious fore;  But let’s look at this more on a character by character basis (because I apparently need to write it this way!).

Remus, who would have just been base instincts but also due to suppression has become disordered as intrusive thoughts, but thanks to Character Thomas’ conscious personification of Roman, was subconsciously remodeled as ‘dark creativity’, even though the two function in completely different ways in the show, and in this theory. Roman’s creativity, aka the imagination, is a conscious choice that Character Thomas chooses to use, and he actively chooses not to think ‘dark’ thoughts in his imagination. Remus is more impulsive and base and subconscious, uncontrolled and not so much creativity as original thought coming from those instincts and, mainly (I’ll keep on at this thread forever I swear) impulse. Interestingly in the Vines, if they exist within the same universe, then Remus’ impulses have in fact been regularly satisfied through (as mentioned many times before) jumping out of a car, setting things on fire, all the butt selfies, etc. His Intrusive Thoughts title could therefore stem from mainly the repression of his aspect of the psyche; by forcing the baser instincts down on the principle of them being ‘wrong in the eyes of society’ the superego and Character Thomas unwittingly created a sort of malformation where impulse becomes more negative and unwelcome because there is no outlet, like an infected wound, trying to lash out and instead of being cowed by the moral conscience only forming harder around that idea (that society would view them as bad) in order to do the lashing out. Think of it as a mental association of base instincts and those thoughts and impulses with ‘don’t think this’ and ‘bad for you and for society’. The pink elephant thought experiment is incredibly relevant here. The more repressed instincts are, the more they wildly act out and become disordered. 

Virgil as the more survival instinct side of the id had a similar experience; through some means, probably overinfluence of the superego he became disordered as well, his survival instinct shifting from physical danger to more often social danger, and his expression as Anxiety was a malformed way of working his role for Character Thomas and responding to the control and repression the superego exerted over him. The intrusive thoughts and anxiety disorders that Character Thomas experiences I would theorise came from the id trying to balance an overzealous superego- and the impact of the superego imposing societal concerns on an aspect of the psyche that should never deal with the outside world- with the ego overwhelmed by the superego as well. It’s intriguing that when he was accepted/became a ‘light side’ his name was not changed from Anxiety to something more reflective of his job, however I suppose there’s a case to be made that once an aspect has become disordered, leading to mental health issues, it’s probably incredibly hard for it to turn back and ameliorating the symptoms is often the best solution. Accepting Anxiety in this case was the best thing they could have done, and accepting Intrusive Thoughts will hopefully come along soon as well. 

Logan is fairly simply personified and distinguished and luckily mostly saved from the complications of personification, but not of the peronification of the others. They all have to function to keep themselves in check now as conscious beings, removing some of the responsibility from the ego as Character Thomas and the sides have started to think rationally for themselves. This has resulted somewhat in Logan becoming less relevant and useful and not being listened to as much, which we have seen in the show recently. He's still needed of course but his function has lessened with the development of the sides as personalities, and is perhaps going to be the next side to have to come back into balance as the rest of the psyche learn they need his guidance as well as their own (and I think it would be interesting to see Janus have to fill his shoes and struggle to do all the work, requiring him to come back full force). 

Janus has suffered from the personification in much the same way Remus has; through demonisations. But I think mainly this resulted in Janus being unable to do his own role as a balancer of both sides because he was overwhelmed by the guilt of giving in to instinct and therefore put even more effort into forcing down the id, mainly Remus, and abandoned his ‘put yourself first’ role for Character Thomas, which Logan struggled to fill in a way Character Thomas can relate to. Seeing them work together and playing to their strengths would be wonderful, and the latest video demonstrated some of that ability to tag in, although Logan was a little sidelined by the situation.

The superego is where things get really messy, and it’s emblematic of the power and preference Character Thomas has given the superego in the past that they’ve developed so much and have so much to them. But just as their opinions and concepts haven’t really developed past his childhood developmental stage, their personifications haven’t either. Instead they’re quite a mishmash of traits Character Thomas most valued in his authority figures and his ideal self at that same age, not quite fully developed or cohesive characters. 

Roman is first up. Ah, Roman. We know that he represents, to Character Thomas, his creativity, passion, romance and femininity. That’s a lot of things for one side to cover, even in the Sanders Sides universe way of explaining things where most sides have just one ‘job’. Add them together though and you can easily end up with the superego, or at least a part of it. Roman is, in my eyes, inarguably the aspect of ideal self. He is the most reflective of the outward personality of Character Thomas, and fulfills the role of his career driver and general motivation in life. He, perhaps in conjunction with Patton although in some respects more than Patton, drives the feelings of success and failure and the pride or guilt at attaining or not attaining the standards the superego as a whole set for Character Thomas to reach. He’s the role model, the person Character Thomas most wants to be (albeit exaggerated), and most idealises and idolises from the media he consumed as a child. Again; undeveloped past that age. He also deals quite literally in the control of the id’s impulses; he is a Disney prince ready to fight the Bad GuyTM. Patton may be the driver of that decision but Roman will carry it out no problem. In fact, the entire Accepting Anxiety arc was fascinating for showing how the ego and psyche as a whole needed to correct the superego’s behaviour primarily in order to lessen the negative effects of the id, rather than the way they’d gone about things before of just fighting against the id directly and suffering the backlash. It’s why the most recent episodes with Patton and Janus were also so interesting; a well-functioning ego can exert enough control to tame the superego and thereby control the id as well (but that second part I think we have yet to see, with the purging of the ‘dark sides’ narrative from Roman to come, no doubt). 

And Patton, poor Patton. Morality AND childishness AND the dad side AND The Heart? Morality and being the dad side fit the superego aspect perfectly as moral authority figure types and duties, and I’ll admit right now that this theory renders most of my characterisation of him as a chaotic good fairly redundant in favour of the authority figure lawful good/neutral (but fanon is fanon and canon is canon and we only draw from the latter for the former’s pleasure right?). The Heart also makes sense. I’ve seen it characterised as the emotional side, feeling all emotions, which was a train I was fully on until recently! I think his title of The Heart makes more sense in line with the superego’s outward looking conscience; he is the primary aspect responsible for gifting the psyche with that magical pride, or chastising it with the ever-feared guilt. He feels good, or bad, there’s not a lot of nuance there, and indeed in the series he rarely displays emotions other than those two, and those emotions affect the other sides often more than him himself. Nostalgia might be one other emotion you could cite, but that’s not unique to him and is more a facet of Character Thomas’ being a person. I suppose it could be rationalised as something the superego wants to think about or aspire to because it inspires the psyche to be better, or because it was a time when the psyche was better, pushing the ideal self onwards while simultaneously backwards to retrieve and recreate those wonderful moments. There weren’t really many bad memories in the nostalgia episode that I can remember, certainly. And the fact that the superego controls the nostalgia is interesting as well. But the childishness... well it’s far more of an id thing to be childish. In fact it really suits the fact that the id develops at birth and then does not change with age! It’s a thing that I’ve noticed changes a lot in characterisations of Patton everywhere, even somewhat within the series itself as it doesn’t quite mesh with the rest of his character apart from being a nice sort of gimmick or front. It doesn’t quite feel genuine, although the naivete of his being unable to understand many jokes or adult concepts fits absolutely spot on with my own theory that Character Thomas’ superego stopped developing after forming when he was young. Childhood is also when the religious influence would have started and impressed a huge amount of morality on Character Thomas right when the superego was formed and along with Roman’s very black & white/disneyesque thinking and personification this supports my theory, only further supported by the fact that the main development in the series recently has been when the childishness or childish concepts have been left behind more for responsibility and culpability and shades of grey thinking. It all feels a lot like a late bloom into adulthood. Patton has started to accept his role in the psyche and learn how to control it; primarily by not trying to control everything else and leaving that to the professionals of the ego. His part in the latest video was the least childish his characterisation has been, and I doubt it’s a coincidence that it felt more genuine than he has done previously. Character Thomas’ aspects are finally growing up!

So in conclusion; by making each side more conscious of their role CT has both helped and hindered them, taking them from their original roles in the psyche and warping them a bit, but now allowing them to return to a stable, balanced and organised structure, which is also their original and healthiest one, conforming to the Freudian Personality Theory.

That was a really long way of explaining why I think this theory really lines up against the Sanders Sides characters as a great framework for their existence and functions. This will absolutely be informing my own interpretations of them in canon-setting fic going forwards, and I’m intrigued to see what anyone else thinks! 

If you made it this far; well done, go have a cookie or two on me, you’ve earned it!!!