#me and the usual memory problems
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I think the world is so wonderful... (Patreon)
#My art#Handplates#UT#Papyrus#I have not been able to get this idea out of my head for like - days now lol#It's only solidified the more I read! Heck!!#I dunno if I was necessarily hoping that reading further would point me in another direction but no now this is one of his songs lol#I really like Rugrats Theory actually :) The song of course it's lovely but I even have some nostalgia for the creepypasta haha#Been a while since I read it tho so that's probably just the soft haze of memory talking lol#But the song is still great! I'm partial to the English cover but I like the original as well :)#There are just so many fun lyrics! Especially for Papyrus specifically#''Everything I've been told I believe and yet people that I love just leave'' Gasterrr#''I think I'm old enough to understand so there's no reason to hide from me'' Sanssssssss#Once I returned to the scene of Sans trying to lie to him I just fjdslahfd these lyrics would Not leave me alone lol#I'm also Extremely partial to the second verse surrounding blindness and willful ignorance - his vision problems literal and metaphorical!#I wasn't planning to start a Handplates playlist but I guess by this point it's kinda too late haha#I also tried a different style of shading for this one ♪ Trying to style match a bit hehe#It's fun! Scratchy - tho some of that is from still using my usual brushes lol#I was Very inspired by watching the comic creation playlist - so cool! Very fun to watch and pick up ideas hehe#I knew I forgot something lol dang it - forgot the dash between WDG-2#S'what I get for using pre-plates references :P#For just a quick little thing I'm fairly pleased overall tho :)
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Promotional for Tate's company in my interp of A Better World AU.
FULL TEXT BENEATH THE CUT‼️‼️
God, I love exploring what he can do if he hadn't suffered through his father abandoning them and then YEARS of caretaker burnout as he tried in vain to heal his dad. What if he hadn't learned to fear his intellect and skill. What if Appalachia hadn't been cut out of him by being raised in the Bay Area. What if his abilities and cultural identity were both nurtured and encouraged by loving parents and a strong educational support system. What then. 👁️
I think he definitely still has his issues, because public figures often do lol. Fame causes so many problems. But fuck if I don't wanna let this lil scruffy genius out of his mental cage of repression, burnout, and depression. I think he's wild, enthusiastic, and has so much heart and spirit underneath all those layers of bullshit. 30 years of suffering and he is in his 30s, the divergence of the AU puts him on a radically different path from childhood and that makes him a TOTALLY new person.
On the highest peaks in the world, the strongest tethers aren't your rope, but the emotional ties which unite your climbing team and keep you connected to those waiting for you back home. Whether it's by blood or by choice, Tater Higgs McGucket understands the importance of family. Son of revolutionary inventor and co-founder of the Institute of Oddology Fiddleford Hadron McGucket, Tate describes his father as his closest friend, collaborator, and mentor. In collaboration with family friend and other co-founder of the Institute Stanford ("Ford") Pines, the three first designed their renowned supplemental oxygen delivery system after an expedition studying anomalies in the Himalayas.
"Our investigation took us to Camp 1 of Manaslu," Tate described in an exclusive interview with Mountaineering Monthly last week, "And I was shocked by the amount of traffic. This was some of the roughest terrain on the planet, but we saw more people out there than on some of my hiking trips back home in Oregon. . . Ford was our interpreter, and after talking with the locals, we realized that there were all these companies selling tickets to the top — with sherpas puttin' themselves on the line just to ferry tourists to the summit."
The influx of inexperienced climbers has had disastrous consequences, as Tate witnessed firsthand. "A lot of these people, they're physically and mentally capable of makin' that kinda climb, but maybe they don't follow best practice. You can summit without any oxygen, if ya stop and acclimatize along the way. But that takes a while, so it can be really temptin' to ignore your body and throw an oxygen bandaid at the problem. But then you're puttin' yourself in an emergency situation if it fails. While we were there, one of those climbers ran out, and a sherpa had to run more oxygen up there. I told him there was a storm a-comin', but he went up anyway. And we ended up losin' 'em both."
Tate's growing twang was underscored by a nervous bouncing of his leg, and he took a moment to collect himself before resuming the interview.
"Dad and I had a look at these open circuit breathing apparatuses. While they were reliable, we saw they were plum wasteful. Knew we could make somethin' better. There's a growin' culture of risk-takin' 'round them mountains. And maybe we cain't stop the industry that's causin' these problems, but we can at least make it safer for them climbers. 'Cuz at the end of the day, regardless of what ya think about these people? With an accident like that, there’s people left behind that're a-hurtin' somethin' fierce. Partners, friends, kids without parents. I mean, just the thought of losin' my dad like that is enough to break my heart — but that's reality, for both the families of that climber and the sherpa who died tryin' to save him. . . Naw, I reckon we can do better."
That was how the youngest McGucket, who had become a household name in the 1990s for his work in designing personal computers with his father's company, first ventured into the world of alpinism. But what he hadn't expected was to fall in love during the process.
"I always needed nature," he explained, "I get overstimulated awfully easy, and so I go out there to clear my head. Been hikin' and fishin' since I was a kid. . . And so, after workin' with climbers to test this equipment — I saw a lot of them eight-thousanders up close, right? And one day, I just knew I had to see it from the top."
But having become familiar with the dangers involved, Tate knew that preparing himself for such a climb would be no easy task.
Luckily, he found a trainer in Ford's twin brother, Stanley Pines.
“Stanley is a stand-up guy. Real old school. Throws a hell of a punch, catches a hell of a catfish.” Tate said of his mentor, “He’s a fighter. So I knew I needed him, because all it takes is one slip up or act of god for these expeditions to turn life-or-death. And he’s been great. Neither of us knew much about rock climbin’ or mountaineering before all this. But we’ve learned together. And having summited a few eight-thousanders now, I can tell ya, I wouldn’t be here without his help.”
Also aiding in his expeditions were his prototype real-time weather and vital monitoring systems, which have since become standard issue in all McGucket brand protective wear. But Tate is most proud of his high-frequency beacon system, which allows climbers to communicate with their partners and first responders — even from inside perilous crevasses.
"The danger of avalanche or serac collapse is real. There are times when your life just ain’t in your own hands. Our systems allow climbers to communicate when they’re entering or exiting a perilous area, and can send out an SOS. They’re also constantly pinging, so in the event somethin’ does happen, they’ll help your climbing partners or first responders find you.”
But high altitudes aren’t the only place you’ll find the twin peaks of McGucket Mountaineering. Tate’s inventions have seen heavy use by first responders of all stripes, from firefighters to wilderness search and rescue — and he has recently signed a contract to manufacture respirators for medical use.
"At the end of the day, it’s all about making it home safely.” Tate concluded, “You gotta prioritize what matters most. You can do incredible things in this world, but none of it matters if you can’t share them with the people who love you.”
#gravity falls#tate mcgucket#yes i write tate with an accent even though he was raised in oregon in this AU#bc i hc that he probably had a LOT of problems after starting public school (during his dad's initial absence)#autistic overstimulation & shutting down#plus classmates harrassing him asking if hes from beverly hillbillies#and teachers correcting his dialect out of him as improper#in Fiddleford's absence emma may has to be the sole provider and it's just difficult to fully address and prevent that#but in this AU fidds comes home to find his son terribly insecure#believing hes stupid (when he was bright and chrious and already brushing with ALGEBRA when Fidds left) bc “hillbillies are dumb” and he#“forgets how to talk” in school when his classmates get loud#and he sees Tate self correcting his accent and#and fiddleford has been thru this himself personally in college#we know he was holding back bc his accent got thicker as he devolved with the memory gun so#yeah fidds would have homeschooled him 😤 not allowing his son to experience the same fuckin trauma#and so tate recovers his accent in this au whereas my normal verse tate has it forcibly removed#though he knows how to code switch and is trying for this interview#it usually gets thicker with anxiety lol#fuck me forgot the art tag#my art#ramblings
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Every grudge that wasn't resolved is hurting at once like scars reacting to a bad weather no matter how much I try to just get distracted with irl activities or something positive, and I don't have anyone to talk about it because people I trust with it are only available when I need to sleep or am at work. I wonder how much longer I can hold it inside before I erupt like a volcano and severity of my negativity leaves everyone within reach with permanent fear of approaching me with ten yards distance 🤔
#/vent#personal#hopefully one of two things prevents this either:#1) a more 'serious' problem forces me to swim out from the depts of my depression and struggle or#2) I find someone to talk to in the RIGHT moment#curse of bad timezone and literally every irl friend changing cities if not countries#I am all alone...#not knowing how to make it stop#I have strong negative breakdowns only once in a while#I wish I could vent more 'harmonically' or forgive people even if they haven't payed or apologized#instead of the 'volcano' thing#well if it really gets bad I'll get into urgent hiatus again#I also hate how because of personality fracture it is another alter that absorbs every positive-#-stimul like a parasite right now#usually I sprout and lose alters like malenia but some stick around for a bit#maybe Im also about to fall out I don't know#right now it is just too much gravity to get out of my own head no matter what I do#all I can think about is my million bad memories until it just stops already
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Okay this is the *actual* last comment, for real, but I just found out Spider is now smearing me as a convert and accusing me of being involved with drama I was not involved with because he mistakenly attributed my apologies for his public temper tantrum as being about something unrelated.
THIS IS A FALSE ACCUSATION and I do not appreciate having yet another bit of fake malicious intent falsely ascribed to my actions and* attributing a completely unrelated attack to me.
Also, it's very sad and disappointing whenever a Jew gets mad at a convert because something else is going on in the Jew's life and the convert happens to be in the splash zone and the Jew falls over backwards to smear the convert and invalidate her faith.
Just....the childish aggression is making me so, so sad and disappointed, from someone I used to think very highly of, who is now lying about me and publicly smearing me with false accusations based on a conflict he started because he misinterpreted something I said and I went out of my way to give him the benefit of the doubt when trying to clear up the mistake HE MADE that led him to decide bullying and attacking me for three fucking days was appropriate and okay and that I'm the bad guy for saying it's wildly unprofessional to behave like this in public to a former customer face.
Sorry, but facts, reality, linear time and the truth of what I actually said and did are on my side here, and I will not stand for being smeared and attacked and shat all over because I had the gall to try to kindly resolve his uncalled for, unjustified temper tantrum.
I am also not sorry that I left a side note in the tags that it was also unacceptable for HIM to drag his daughter into a stupid internet slapfight based on his own reading comprehension failure. Because it was and is unacceptable, and she needs to hear that message from someone.
End of story. Keep digging that hole as long as you like, Spider. It's not helping your case and is continuing to make you look progressively worse and more unreasonable, and the only person you have to blame is yourself.
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*revised for clarity
#don't buy from nerdykeppie#all receipts are under this tag#if you're so offended because my reporting on the things you say and do makes you look bad maybe the problem is you#this whole thing was completely needless#and yet he is continuing to DARVO me because he's pissed that his usual method of smugly lashing out at people over their poor reading#comprehension doesn't work when it's him who failed to comprehend what I wrote in the first place#also REAL FUCKING INCHRESTING that he's lying about me being involved in the jewvestigation of him so he responds by......jewvestigating me#lol#lashon hara. maybe he should study it sometime.#and maybe he'll learn warning others about poor behavior from a business so they don't waste their money there is not lashon hara#but honestly I doubt it because he's never going to let go of his desperate complex about always being the smartest raddest dude in the roo#it looks pathetic and I think he realizes that or he wouldn't have had such a dramatic extended meltdown over the things *he* said to *me*#I also still find it funny that he has conveniently forgotten to address the whole “hey bud your timeline doesn't add up” part#and I think that's because he knows if he were to address the proof that he didn't remember it correctly he would be forced to admit that h#threw a massive shitfit at someone for no reason because his memory got mixed up#so so funny that he can't come up with an answer for that#almost like! he knows he fucked up bigtime and is scrambling to make himself the victim!#also funny that “worrying about someone who was dragged into a fight by a bully” got twisted into sneakily scheming to turn her against him#I'm not a scheming plotter I'm worried because the behavior you showed your child in public was wildly inappropriate TO HER.#it's sad! It's fucking sad and embarrassing and hypocritical and immature and SAD!#but the pretend me other people are attacking because they made shit up is none of my business#if he wants to keep writing fanfic about me he can go right ahead#because again#the more he talks the worse he looks#the more he digs this hole the deeper he gets mired in his own muck#and it's not my job to bend over backwards to keep him from experiencing the natural consequences of his actions.#I really should learn the lesson that people who are snide assholes in one situation are usually snide assholes across the board#really the worst part is knowing I defended him when he threw tantrums like this before#that's what I regret and feel guilty about: that I backed up his shitty behavior and gave it legitimacuy#that was wrong of me and I'm sorry for every time I jumped in as one of his flying monkeys
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Accidentally found myself working on two mp100 fics at the same time
#shit fuck shit fuck#mp100#mob psycho 100#THEY MADE ME DO THIS YO PERREO SOLAA SOMEBODY KILL MEE#hey matt came all this way had to explain direct from domingo#one of them is silly Kageyama sibling shenanigans like typical annoying siblings#it was supposed to be something dumb that i wanted to write while taking a break from my super angsty main fic#but the plot might thicken#as for my angsty fic it covers avoidant attachments running away capitalism and pining as usual#uhm yeah idk i just want to write about mp100 is it such a crime#i am projecting in my main fic just letting yall know but ykw many ppl have written something similar for shou#oopsies#yes shou#and also ritsu the one who burdens my projections in that fic cuz y not#ay pero no invaten pinches come solos#i also realized im supressing my emotions omg so mob kinnie twinning no srsly its a problem im suppressing memories too#so suddenly.im sad and then im like why am i sad and then i realize a few hours or days later oh yeah thats why im sad#like its a problem and uh yeah im so chill cuz im suppressing how do i not do that#party tomorrow tho!! 🎉 so i unsupress on monday cuz tomorrow is Saturday and i will be hungover sunday so monday i start#and Monday im calling off work cuz holy shit Thursday was not my day at work tho there were good things from that day#in neeEeEEw york cityyY#mob psycho
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You guys ever feel trapped? Yea I'm well-acquainted with the feeling of being trapped.
#*text#talk about unpleasant#sorry for only posting textposts here lately. I Forgot how I use this blog.#Also I'm gonna use this as an excuse to vent in the tags about something that's been bothering me today.#I hate days where it feels like I can't be the same person for even. idk. an hour?#I was gonna say just a general statement of 'I hate how I can't feel like the same person for more than an hour' but then I realized it onl#particularly bothered me today so maybe it's just a sometimes thing. throws hands up in the air I WOUDLN'T KNOW#It's just...nothing I do throughout the day matches. i keep starting new things only to forget about them (or forget how much I cared#about them) and try something else later. resulting in a long line of unfinished stuff and frustration.#I keep trying to come up with new conclusions/solutions to problems I've run through my head a million times already.#problems I didn't know I had or forgot about pop up etc.#I'll be doing fine and then I'll just feel stranded out of nowhere with no idea why and trying to figure out if this is normal for me.#I've felt stranded all day.#it's just ugh. i'm so confused. it's been a day i guess.#all the words i write feel kinda foreign to me sometimes. short term memory problems I guess. ✌️#but also I feel very very locked in a really limited worldview. or just like. my world feels very small like tunnel vision kind of thing an#for that reason it just feels like it'll go on the same forever and ever and ever. which is a very scary thought.#idk if my logical 'well that obviously isn't the case. things will change eventually' rebuttal is good enough to go against it.#so there you go I wrapped it all back to the point of the post: feeling trapped. yayyy#i don't mean to make myself sound so sad and pitiful. usually i'm doing fine and bad things kinda just don't register in my brain#but there are Secret Evil Feelings inside me that I don't even know about and sometimes I like to poke them with a stick.
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Between PS5 and PC, I probably have close to 500 hours in RE4 Remake, and I platinumed it on PS5 because I pretend the game is good. The truth is that it's a complete and utter betrayal 6/10 at best and is emblematic of everything wrong with modern game design. Capcom wasn't even trying to make a good game. Never EVER do this to someone.
shooting gallery sucks btw
#resident evil 4#i'm sorry i'm not usually this petty#but what were you thinking putting this in the tags bro#how embarrassing for you#this is it this is the reason people hate me#i understand this#i acknowledge it#and i refuse to change#btw my unironic credentials here are#i have a save on my PS2 memory card right now with the handcannon unlocked in OG RE4#and i own a copy of RE gaiden#i am the most oldschool old fan possible#and i genuinely believe that RE4make is superior to OG RE4 by every conceivable metric#so it's not a game design problem#it's not a new fan problem#it's a you problem
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how do fic writers that mainly do canon compliant stuff do it?!?! like i'm writing smth atm but for the life of me can't remember several important details despite having watched AND rewatched the thing only like a few months ago pfft...
#personal#like i usually dont mind too much cos a lot of the stories i've written are post-canon so u can basically make it up as u go#but when it's smth that happens mid canon i feel like i should at least have SOME details that link it back#but that means rewatching the episode#which ofc i dont mind doing cos it's good but surely other fic writers have this problem too??? is it just me w/ the worst memory ever??#anyway if i actually end up liking what im writing it will be the first fic dedicated to these characters on ao3 which im kinda nervous bou#if i hate it then u will hear no more of it lol <3
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thinking maybe i do have something going on with me
like, i do have trouble focusing i guess it just never clicked before when i heard others say that but my thing is my brain refuses to let me think about the stuff i want to think about most of the time. i usually get music going on in the background of my brain but sometimes it turns into the foreground so it's like i can't think unless i specifically focus on obstructing the music but that's so much effort just to do things
that's why i never really thought i had trouble focusing bc i thought i was just doing it wrong or something but no this requires extra effort on my part that shouldn't be needed afaik
#personal#yeah#it just kinda clicked earlier today#i was writing a fic and was kinda struggling bc i could just Not Think#it was just music#but also being in a room where i can hear everything ever doesn't help#my brother was playing f zero 99 and he talks so so much and i don't wanna be rude and tune out#the fans were on making so much noise as usual#and stuff was going on in the kitchen that i can hear from where i was#i wonder if going to therapy when i was young actually ended up making things worse#bc i went to learn to deal with everything being loud#but ig it just ended up making me not want to express stuff in ways that'd help me deal with it#no idea i legit have barely any memory of most of my childhood#like there's some stuff in general i know i remember but it's weird#idk#but anyways yeah i did end up writing some stuff like 200 ish words#had to fight my brain to get it to focus on it#also realizing that writing this is easier bc usually my brain is quieter at night#and that that also might be why i prefer writing late at night. huh.#bc this is usually the time i can actually think about whatever with little problem if any#interesting
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maybe being hit hard in the head twice last month was a blessing.. god wanted me to forgor💀 things that dont matter and i am❤
#guys dw i will be getting checked up soon bc memory loss is actually crazy#not necessarily loss its more it takes much longer for me to remember things than usual#or it could be a result of my sleep deprivation#or a mix of both! how fun!#dot dot dot#god said enough fr#first i get dormed on tbe other end of campus now memory problems❤
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...
#so thinking abt my inability to do things in thr context of my 0cd is interesting. bc i would say my primary problem is my obsessive#compulsive behavior and inflexibility. idk if thr inflexibility is inherent to me bc its part of the reason i got stamped with aut1sm or but#its part of what maked it so hard to tell if i had 0cd or not. bc im just so fucking rigid and structured abt literally everything without#any reason. y do i have to do X thing and i cant do Y thing? idk my brain just says i cant. which kinda does align with 0cd more or just#like something compulsive. and its sorta weird bc i think im a lot more aligned with purely obsessional 0cd. so i dont do a lot of external#ritual. its more abstract. like constantly i have to work or b perfect or else i start getting intrusive thoughts. always thr same ones. and#to make them go away i have to physically suffer usually thru overworking to my mental breaking point or sometimes more direct ways#when its really bad. and then i have to keep working. and i do a lot of fucking ruminating. fucking constand catogorizing and pathological#self reflection. again i have high standards and high affinity for self punishment which is a lot to deal with. its exhausting and misery#making. and the annoying thing is that im like this for a reason. i mean it makes sense. having a learning disability plus bad short term#working memory plus some mood weirdness. ive created a structure that makes me productive but also creates so much pressure thst i cant#function at all sometimes. and whats worse is that even then even with the amount of checking i do i am still a master of fucking up the lil#things. i forgot to write my name in the autoclave list and caused problems for ppl bc i forgot when i went up there Even tho i new i needed#to. i also forgot to put thr foam cap on a liquid nitrogen tank which would have been SO FUCKING BAD if it all evaporated. so many samples#woulf have been lost bc i just fucking forgot to put it back. that was just this week. idk i just forget things like that. i left a freezer#door open in hs and we lost everything in the freezer. i also fucked up an whole experiment by not reading a schedule right. and its really#frustrating not being able to trust that youve done the right thing in the past. not to mention all the bullshit i mislabel but thats more#dys1exia realated. alas. i check and check and get anxious spikes of: FUCK DID I DO X? for a reason. but also its no fun#unrelated
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THE PLOT JUST CONNECTED IN MY BRAIN
#fisherman's ramblings#HACK COUGH WHEEZE HOLD ON ALL OF MY USUAL BUDDIES R FUCKING ASLEEP SO HI TUMBLR YOU GET THIS IN THE TAGS NOW#uh ahem#i think i've vaguely mentioned eric's backstory but yadda yadda he's smoochin the neigher's son or whatever#neighbor's son is an artist#artist is hired for propaganda posters once the War hits#uses eric's likeness in one#gets printed n shit babaammm imortalized#fast forward to the 80s. wolfgang with his memory problems#the Trio end up stumbling upon the poster in an archive or some shit#Literal War Flashbacks for Wolfgang#he's like ``ohgg my god fuck fuck hsit shit THE GUY. he looked like that.`` but we don't actually know if it's him (it is)#or just a guy that looks like him (it's fucking him)#fastforward AGAIN to where wolfgang decided to give eric a proper burial since his was scuffed </3#they track down the artist. who is Old As Shit and Like Dying#manage to get the name out of him tho#track down eric's family that way#THAT'S IT THAT'S THE THING#THAT IS ALL#TY FOR DEALING WITH ME#idk i've been struggling with How they even track down eric's living family#THIS IS A START.. I HAVE SOMETHING NOW.
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How do people even remember when quarantine first started i dont think i gave enough shit about a school break to have it impact me so much 😭
#text pose#or it could just be bad memory problems as usual#which just makes that whole If You Forgot About It It Wasnt That Important thing sound even worse#anyway feeling awkward wanting 2 do that Me B4 Quarantine vs Me After thing except … yk
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I miss all my old friends and it's sad to think that they probably don't feel the same way
#just thinking about last summer and the people I spent my time with#they're all gone and that's so sad#ik it's normal to lose people to time and life changes but I wish things would have been different#mainly my one friend. we used to be such good friends and I miss it#I wanna try to reconnect but I think I'll get rejected#and it will probably be worse to KNOW someone doesn't miss me than to just think it#idk. it's just sad to me that you can share all those memories with someone and they can move on so quickly#like nothing that happened ever had any value#and it's a shame that people leave a permanent mark on you. I think about them every day and there's so many reminders#I miss current friends too tho#my one really good friend is busy all the time so it's basically impossible to see each other#and the problem is that I never ask anyone to do anything bc I assume they won't want to and I don't wanna get rejected#and when people ask me to do things I usually can't so eventually they stop asking#but I understand that it makes them feel rejected too even if I'm just busy and can't do anything#just so sad. other people move on so easily but I never do#isn't there a taylor swift lyric about that? idk I'm not a swiftie#I just love all my friends past and present and I wanna see them and spend time with them#but there are so many situations that get in the way and it's always on my side#but not my fault. i hate this#Sera
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when will i ever learn.........?
#he has spoken#i keep having to reglue different shower tiles back to the wall#because whoever added the room on did a shit job with the tiles so they're attached like shit#but the glue i use is hell to get off my hands#i usually try to seal them in before it becomes a problem (thus dealing with less glue)#but they fell off before it was dry enough for me to#ideally we'd retile the shower#but that either requires talking to the person who owns the place and that feels like it'd be a mess#because he bought the place as an investment kind of thing so saying 'hey the tiles in the shower are falling off' would sound bad on us#but he wouldn't care if we retiled it ourselves#but that requires getting everything to do that#and i vaguely have experience doing that with my dad at one of his jobs#but that exists in the fog of memories from when i was like 10 or something#and then it would also put that shower out of commission until the job was done which yikes#and honestly my roommates are kind of shit at maintenance type jobs so it'd most likely be me doing most of it#you'd think in a house with 3 other dudes that the shortest shrimpiest guy wouldn't be the ''manliest'' (in the lifting stuff/#/household maintenance/outdoorsy types of ways)#and yet here we are#i am not a manly guy! i have accepted that about myself#people look at me and how i dress and go 'kinda gay' and give me a limp wristed wave to signal it's chill#and yet#and yet!#these other jokers suck shit at it more than me#vent#<kinda sorta im not upset upset im just rambling
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for someone that has posted its face here multiple times, i sure do think pretty negatively of my appearance jesus christ
#it feels like a very small issue in comparison to my significantly larger and more pressing problems#but it does cause me a lot of anxiety#sometimes very sometimes i think it is okay or i like an outfit i put together or something like that and like to share that#but i also find myself often feeling like i really do not deserve the clothing that i like#and that it would be better spent on someone who can actually pull it off#i think it might just be that my style kind of skews a little young because i dislike looking super put together#but i think i look older than i am#on account of the many nutritional deficiencies and lack of sleep and chronic severe stress amongst other things#i feel really gross having my face in pictures taken by others because i cannot really control it as much#but also feel torn because usually that is during something happening that i would like to remember in some capacity#especially because my memory is so terrible as of two yearsish ago#i just feel a lot of contempt when i see myself#also this is not looking for compliments i know that is a thing that can be assumed. please do Not#WAIT BEING CLEAR i am not referring to myself as an it for an insult. i just use it for myself on occasion especially since it is#very rare to hear
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