#me to my mom: oNE CRISIS AT A TIME-
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sorry to vent but lol. lmao.
#i dont wanna see my mom cause i know shes mad at me#but she said today is the last day before shes gonna call the cops on me for a ''mental health crisis''#cause yknow i. just so crazy for not wanting to see the people that are physically violent towards me every time i see them#yeah. im the crazy one.#so im hungover as fuck and i havent slept all night but i have to see her otherwise shes gonna call the cops and that will be worse#i shouldnt have to choose the lesser of two evils. i should just be allowed to live without being terrorized.#i wish i was fucking dead i just wanna sleep forever i shouldn't be expected to deal with behavior like this#i wanna sleep forever
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not to be in my early 20s but i feel like i’m going insane. i’m not making enough money, there will never be enough money. i feel out of control but the only ways to exert control are to get a piercing, a tattoo, cut my hair, dye my hair, or buy something. i want to change my wardrobe but i have no money. i don’t need to be throwing all of my clothes away. i want to be a minimalist. i can only find myself through having stuff. nothing i do matters. i am constantly under surveillance. i am behind on my book goal but i have never stopped reading. life is going too fast and too slow. nothing feels enough. everything is too much. nothing feels like it matches my desired gender presentation but everything feels So Much
#i also maybe keep forgetting to take my lexapro which isn't helping#lukis says things#this crisis is literally brought on by me researching a laptop totebag to use instead of a backpack#and finding the perfect one and it was FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS#also this might be realizing the first time my dad texted me since forgetting my birthday#was him being like do u still need a new phone#and when i said no mom bought me one months ago#he like made a dig at her#dude u cant make fun of her rn ur in the wrong
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It continues to give me the warm fuzzies that basically every person at work has said they'll miss me. And it's not really utility, even if I'm useful; I am not in a critical position. There are many people who can do the things I do, even if the majority are less experienced. I'm not management, or a lynchpin, just a long-time worker bee.
But people like me, and I just handled a Crisis Situation well enough that the AD took the time to personally thank me, and my manager was like 'not only am I willing to be a reference you can use my personal phone number if that's easier' and even some of the newest additions said they're going to miss me on desk, and I just.
I love my job and my coworkers and it's really nice that the people there know it and love me back.
#I told mom about Crisis Situation#and tonight when dad got home she was like COME IN AND TELL YOUR DAD#and then both of them were like WHEN COMPANY COMES NEXT WEEK TELL THEM TOO#haha#I mean dad did follow it up with 'no you may not drive across the country alone we will figure something out'#I'm gonna work on him about it we tried the thing where all of us are in one vehicle#Tuesday screamed the whole time and mom wanted to kill her and also me#I shall remind him of that#I think he will probably come around#if I could convince someone to come with I would probably make it an actual road trip#'come to TX for the eclipse!'#'we will drive through the deep south and hit some Neat Shit and then go up the coast!'#like you could make that a fun drive#I'm not gonna do the long version if I'm solo tho bc my parents are convinced I will be murdered#which is silly; I have not infrequently been in Situations and strangers have been kind#also the odds of getting strangermurdered for no damn reason are SO low#and the incentives to murder Me Specifically are also very low#and if a white cishet-passing woman dies 90% of the time it's a romantic partner and I'm aroace so like#I really wonder what they're imagining is gonna happen#babble tea (blacklist this for less chatter)#tea writes tag novels
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I have connected two dots... yamato kaido and momo (and kinda shirahoshi with her top) have clouds above their shoulders... and luffy in gear fourth has them also.... I can see the signs
#momo must be so emotionally confused omg poor child. this guy says he is my father and treats me like his son and also this samurai who has#been acting like my father just died. and now i turned 28 and a dragon and i need to save this island or my shougnate will die. jesus#FUCKING ROB RUCCI!!! I SURE HOPE NOT ONE STRAY ATTACK REACHES THE ROOM FULL OF CP0 AGENTS!!!#now the government is going to invade wano AND TAKE ROBIN!!!!! ROB LUCCI DIEEEE!!!!! AND YOU WILL FAIL AGAIN!!!#now how tf did the heart pirates get there... who can fly on there or did they just tag along on momos tail#the dinosaur head snake???? hello?? qjdhakshsk and it worked.... sanji... 'thats what a brachiosaurus is!' well i do not think so....#wtf sanji.... so much of that wiggly dance he does with the heart eyes has brought him here...#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1053#poor killer man.... why doesnt he cut off the arm kid doesnt have... that should do it right???#jesus.... goodbye kid and law.... hawkins just hitting his head to a wall.... CUT OFF HIS ARM!!! oh no..... another self sacrificing mate..#YEAAHHH THE ARM!!!!! is he gonna take it and give it to kid akdjsksj OH HE TOOK THE STRAW DOLL!!! killer your brain is so huge..#the death card looking JUST like killer.... that was such a slay... they had this one thought out for a while.....#THE MUSIC!!! GOODBYE HAWKINS!!! KILLER OUTSERVED!!!! whats with the cutting of arms this arc.... kid now its your turn to slay (big mom)#episode 1054#sanji having an existential crisis and queen just: WELCOME TO THIS MOMSTER WORLD#having issues with his body transforming doesnt help with the transfem allegations#APOO IS STILL ALIVE???? CUT OFF HIS HEAD!!!!#i was gonna say KINEMON!!! BUT I KNOW ITS THAT FUCKING KANJURO!!!!!! nami drawing the moon on his asscheek akdjsksj#KIKU AND KINEMON ARE ALIVE??? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS THIS IS A TRAP!!! DON'T GIVE ME HOPE!!!#NOOOOOO THE CP0 IS IN ACTION TOO NOOOOOOOOO#they are breathing.... omg.... kiku..... ORICHI DIEEEE!!!!! i knew this couldn't end like this for her... i have been completely bamboozled#kinemon appearing like the first time... just legs.... amazing#how does big mom ikoku inside the castle are we insane... yamato can you like bite off kanjuros head off or smth... finish him off PLEASE#why do they have steel beams in kaido's castle. everything else is wood and stone. who designed this.#bepo being in law's mid episode animation akdjaksns.... thats really his beffo (bff) bepo#big mom being crushed by some beams doesn't sound right... kid should turn into magneto and start bloodbending... or repel her into the sea#episode 1055#episode 1056
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. (tw heterosexuality)
#i am having the worst sexuality crisis of my life. i was so sure i was a lesbian but there is this One Guy..#he makes me feel things. i think. but i cant categorize them#relationships w men sound.. unappealing.. if i think about it generally#like a random man? sounds weird. or maybe not. i dont know. i havent even had a first kiss lmao i dont really know stuff#but him............oh...........hes so funny and cool and nice to everyone. his hands are pretty (weird thing to notice but ok)#he explains math to me and i cant focus because he's too close. thats so MORTIFYING I THOUGHT I WAS A DYKE#but at the same time 12 year old me was having heart palpitations around my first girl crush and shit#and he hasnt made me feel anything that strong so far. so. idk. but also i was 12. so idk#well okay generally speaking women make me feel much more doing way less#there was this occasion where this girl who i always had a mild thing for but never did anything about it just came up to me#at school#and just. haha lol i had a dream about you last night ;)#i am not joking when i say i felt weak in the knees. she was smiling in a like playful way so i was gonna make a joke but i could not#because i was going to pass out from being too gay#this guy (or any other guy for that matter) doesn't seem to have the power to make me feel like that#..........am i bisexual with a female lean or whatever people say. or am i experiencinf the worst case of comphet of my life#this is awful. not because i don't wanna like men (its just sexuality idc) but because i don't want to prove my mom right#😭what if it WAS a phase#but who knows. mentioning the girl who dreamt about me kind of replaced the thoughts i was having of him for a bit there#i miss her she was nice. well sort of. but i was never involved in the drama so who cares fr. she graduated last year#anyways sorry for breaking character. tumblr user kaeyapilled is lore dropping
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my beautiful autistic mind is so picky and annoying sometimes because my biggest struggle with writing at the moment is the fact i dont like how the name bobby looks written out but i like how it sounds and also know that is his name it literally cannot be anything else. but every time i look at the letters i'm like.......
#thing is it's literally a whole thing in the damn story about how he hates his Government Name so i have to honour his real name!!!!#actually this was one of those moments where a character came with a name#bobby was a moment of wait were you always there and i just didnt notice you because i saw a pic on pinterest#that gave me an idea for an RR storyline the storyline being a character dies from AIDS#which is something i have been SO apprehensive about this whole time because i didnt know if i wanted to write the AIDS crisis and include#death so directly...but then my mom died and i became hyperfixated on death LOL#(and realised the way i could approach it respectfully + in a way that honours)#anyway i was like wow with my better expertise on the AIDS crisis + personal experience with loss i feel like i can write this kind of#storyline but who dies?? and i have to make them a fully fleshed character bc i always do#but thats like especially important here. he can't just be a body + vessel for other characters' grief journeys#literally immediately my brain was like so his name is bobby he looks like this he was born in august and he loves this david bowie song#i dont actually know if he still likes the david bowie song (my first image of him had dialogue inspired by the song) so that is info FOR M#but maybe i should revisit that lol.....anyway he just appeared#more details + development came with time as always but i dont have like any conscious#memory of that it just happened#like i forget he's only existed less than a year bc he's on beau/felix/dorothy levels of developed. WOW!#was also never meant to be beau's bestie and i can't remember at all how i decided that it also just happened#oops i accidentally infodumped
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:(
#the sky speaks#vent time!!#tw suicidal ideation#i wish i could just hate my mother it would be so much easier#but shes trying so hard and in so much pain#but shes so TIRING to be around !!!!#she got in a wreck this evening. she was drinking and driving around to all of people who don't talk to her anymore#shes getting a dui i guess?#and this is just one thing in a looooong list of shit shes pulled#ive heard her scream and sob so much today. but now shes also saying she wants to die. over n over#full on existential crisis. she feels no purpose and is so lonely#she left this morning to go shopping tyen just never came home. my dad asked me to call her and she answered and just said#i can't. im sorry. and hung up on me. then she turned off her phone and we didnt know where she was for a half hour#and i was so fucjing worried that shed killed herswlf or somthing i couldnr even remember rhe last thing i said to her?#i hugged her for so long when we finally got home#but im just so tired of loving her#shes still down there crying but i cqnt listen tk her anymore. my head is pounding. i wanna sob. i never wanna cry again.#i kinda wanna die too but i feel like i cant tell anyone really. moms such a mess how could i possibly put these feelings onto dad or thomas#and not mom. god. shes thw reason i feel like that. evwry time. im so tired of her falling apart that id rather not be here.#if i had just sucked up being on my period and went shopping with her today this wouldn't have happened. but that shoyldnr be how it is!!!!!#im allowed ro stay home!!! i shouldnr have to babysit her!! but ive felt like i was HER mother aince i was 17#im just so tired
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when you read a fic that makes you feel a little bit (read: a lot) insane and while writing down a quote because it has made you feral you realise you read one of their other fics years ago and it made you feel insane in a much more chill way because it was before some of the most changing and not great years of your life and it just so happens its hitting that niche again but now in a way that shatters you to your core because 2 years ago you would not have related quite so hard to the words 'they haunt me' 'that is often what kindness feels like' and 'he feels like a child. He feels too old for his bones' but now you're much older than the 2 years and it's 1am and a fucking zukka fanfic author has reached into your chest personally in different ways with different fics 2 years apart on 2 different ao3 accounts (for me) and you're wondering what life even is at this point
#hows yalls nights going#mango rambles#mango feels insane#zukka#fanfiction#what is with all my deep revelations about existence and trauma coming from reading fanfic#i would like to lodge a complaint#the fic 2 years ago was brilliant but didn’t rip out my intestines like this new one#i think i just wasn’t as fragile to the topics then#making me realise how much the last 2 years have instrumentally altered me as a person#which...is good fun#i don't like this#i would say mom pick me up im scared but like...thats something that has been made unavailable during the last 2 years#and is a big reason for said fundamental change#dark humor#something something responsibility too much to bear relate to hard to zuko something#im having an existential crisis#im having the best time#type in 'im having' you get some interesting options in the tags section#halp
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I want a doggie so bad :(
#i'm having a crisis again. time for me to go to bed#seriously i wish i had a dog to play with and cuddle and take walks with and all that#my mom's allergic to cats and dogs so :(( chances aren't good i'll get one while still living with my parents#i keep looking at photos of my friends' pets but god i want one too#mel talks
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not @ my mother deciding the fucking ALDI’S PARKING LOT would be the best time to casually—not even looking at me while she did it—drop the question “so are you going by ace now.”
not @ her less than an hr later telling me my fucking aunt who i trusted outed me to her. not even out of malice but out of excitement??? apparently???? i feel like i have no right to be pissed but also every right to be pissed.
#so now i’m FULLY FUCKING OUT TO MY MOM#only half of which was thru my own volition#like idk ik my aunt and i’ve known her for years and she’s only ever been great to me#not even weirdly like. she straighr up has been so good to me.#so i trust her in confidence when she asks me abt it. and specifically tell her NOT TO TELL MY MOM because she DOESNT KNOW#and now that whole side of the family knows.#and like. one of whom is a lesbian and was so excited and proud to find out i am also gay#which does make me cry thinking about becaude she’s been w her wife for like 50 yrs. lived thru the aids crisis#lived thru decades of homophobia#and so the fact that she’s so happy and so proud of me#makes me so fucking emotional#becaude she apparently was so glad to not be alone in the family#but at thr same time#it wasn’t me who made the choice to tell her so#what the fuck am i supposed to do now#idk#personal
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Holy shit
#luca rambles#random ass thoughts#ziggy z#pulau batu di samudra buatan#now i personally didnt think the twist is THAT good from. like. plot point of view#because it makes no sense#and its kinda obvious that in a mystery novel that uses first person POV#the POV character is also a suspect. the biggest one in fact#BUT!#i cant even bring myself to care and critique that#because of the fucking. visceral scene of a child stabbing someone with a pencil and shooting them in the head to protect her family#and the fact it is the same child who almost killed someone else with a fire extinguisher then has a crisis about it afterwards#god#what the fuck#AND AND#the culprit killed his own daughter AND his daughter's fiance bcs he doesn like him???? bro??????? jail and therapy for a thousand year????#love the fact that he's revealed as a millionaire lmao rich people really do suck do they#god. so many people died and for what???#i think the twist is deliberately unsastisfying bcs. well. we see it in real life dont we#rich ppl being evil?#also my god when suji describes what shes gone through trying to save them all....#she swam through hot polluted water and had to float on dead bodies#and she wasnt even traumatized! she just wanted to be with her mom and siblings and go home!#(thats a lie i think she was traumatized but everything else took the forefront of her mind that time)#(same with kali)#augh#that shooting scene will haunt me#an innocent kid drenched with blood ohmygod
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I honstely need a new Tattoo on my wrist that just says "youre so sexy and brave for going through all this bs girl"
#Im facing the Horrors and i keep marching forward#The Horrors in question are Thermodynamik 2 and BWL#Also Elektrontechnik. But that is like a little gremlin#I have this Semester and the next one left and then IM DONE#I already wrote my Resignation letter bc i cant take my coworkers anymore#They add so much unnecessary Stress to my life and negativity#I cant take it anymore but i have this contract until my BA ends#And then ill be gone#I want to go back to NYC so Bad. That was the Best time this year. My brother and i had so much fun.#Anyway Yeah im too scattere brained and stressed to Post#I wanted to Set up a queue but idk#Ill be back. Im having my quartely life-Crisis and Stress induced sleep Problems#Some Personal stuff with my family also brought me down a lot#And i try my Best to Support my mom through it all. But there are only 24h in a Day.#Next friday is exam day and hopefully#I will chill the fuck out afterwards#Lu labert#And everyone Else is also very sexy and brave for going through this Bs xoxo
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#I'm going to say this and I know it's going to sound dramatic and intense and as if I were in the middle of a crisis#but I'm not; I'm actually okay; just thinking about stuff as usual#thing is... thinking about stuff made me realize that I'm going to die without getting the chance to actually TALK to someone about#so many things I want to talk about#and I don't mean venting no because I know I can do that as long as I have access to the internet and a keyboard#my point is talking ACTUALLY talking#having a conversation with someone and getting to say all the things I've kept to myself all these years#to actually SAY those things to use my voice#I won't get the chance to hug someone or getting hugged or cry or laugh at how surreal all these things have been#I don't know I try not to think about that that much but I won't lie and say I don't crave touch#because I do; so much#but I mean I hate my mom and she hates me back; there's no way in hell I'm talking to her#my dad whom I love I just won't bother with this stuff#apart from that I only love two of my cousins and they live so far away and whenever I tell them something they consider 'worrying'#I have to talk about something else because they... well... worry and I don't want to deal with that#then almost all the friends I had left the country and the ones who're still here... they're cool but I don't really trust them#and they don't trust me an that's okay#I don't know#I just crave a good conversation and knowing that there's no one around to actually have it kind of kills me ngl#but then again I'm okay nothing's happening I just spend too much time in my head that's all#random#personal#my shitty English#i can't afford therapy so tumblr tags it is
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#I forgot about the mid year postpartum identity crisis#I thought I wouldn’t feel this way again since the ppa/ppd weren’t so prevalent this time#if anything my experience having 3 children has been easier than just one or two overall#my third baby fits into our family so well it’s hard to believe she hasn’t always been here#she’s very funny and she has such a big personality already even at 7 months#it’s been so much fun watching them grow and learn how to get along that I forgot about what it is that makes the first year hard#yes having a newborn is difficult but this is different#I had 20 minutes away from my children for the first time in almost two months today#my mom needed me to pick something up from the store for her real quick#and as soon as I was alone I was inundated with the Bad Thoughts#it felt really out of place though so I took a step back to figure out why it was happening#and it’s because I pour everything I have into my children#I have nothing left for me#if I’m away from them it’s like I don’t exist#it’s weird and kinda scary tbh#and as soon as I walked back into the house I was back to mommy mode and fine again#but man#that was eye opening#at least I know what’s happening this time though#and I think I just need to focus on being by myself a little more if possible#once she turns one things will start to even out and I’ll start feeling normal again#i know this because it’s happened twice before so I’m not scared anymore#it just sucks because I’m finding myself really looking forward to that time#but not wanting her to be a year old yet#she’s already pulling herself up to stand 🥺#she’s ahead of schedule#she wants to be like her brother and sister so bad#I can tell it frustrates her to not be able to play with them all the time or eat everything they eat#she hates being a baby#but she’s my last baby 🥺 I don’t want to wish this time with her away
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where all my neurodivergents who were space kids at
#its always dinos or sharks or trains#wheres the rep for the kids that had an existential crisis at 8 when we found out the sun was going to expand & swallow mercury & venus#and would make life on earth uninhabitable and nonexistent#it wont happen for millions of years but it will happen one day#and my bones which will have turned into dust by then will still be here#oog#i stopped watching space stuff a long time ago though because my mom made a comment about not liking it#bc she overheard one of my space shows talking about what the evolution of life on other habitable planets would look like#key word evolution#and me who avoids confrontation at all costs just stopped watching it all together because I did not want to deal with that conversation#I would like to start watching/reading more space science stuff again i enjoyed learning about it very much#even though it gave me existential dread at a tender age#you'd think religion would have done that to me but that wouldn't happen til i was much older#my posts#space science
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Kinda love that almost all my friends have some sort of theme when I dream about them
Roo: weird/intense shit happens but he always gets me out of the situation and takes charge
Fabian: we literally just go camping. Or go on car rides. Things are calm, we are in nature, all is well
Oliver: he sleeps. I may put a blanket on him. Or I bring him something to eat
Magnus: he's just doing the usual, doing a lil dance, wearing odd hats, smiling a lot
#miranda talking shit#My subconscious sorting the lads like... This is the reliable friend during a crisis. This is your calming person you love to vibe with#This is the one you worry about and want to care for. This is the funny lil silly man who makes you smile#Can confirm all are pretty ... True? Like id trust roo in any crazy situation he's my stable guy#Fabian is always so chill he makes me feel at ease. Makes sense i sort him in with nature#Bc i also get calm being in nature. Or maybe my subconscious just really think hes such a city boy and he needs to go fishing or something#Oliver i know sleeps like ass and grew up not being fed properly so my inner mom really is awake there#And magnus is just so unapologetically him and i love him. My brain dont need to put any other themes with him#Hes just a lil fun guy 10/10.#Im analyzing my dreams again but i really have noticed how this is basically how the dreams are when#I dream of any of them. Ive dreamt a lot of fabian. But only two times it wasn't just nature themed... Roo was also involved#Him and i have been sitting in forests. Putting up tents... Grilling at night. Bathing in lakes. Honestly the best dreams
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