#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona

[puppyeared]

i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand

[ronsenburg]

i saw this post and IMMEDIATELY started writing an essay, so I moved it here so as not to clutter up someone else’s post...........

it absolutely blows my mind that, today in 2021, i honestly can’t remember what’s canon from the turnabout serenade case, what i read in a fanficition, and what is my own personal HC. like, it’s been more than a decade since i played the case for the first time and it’s probably been 5ish years since the last time i played AJ (definitely forgot to play it again before writing youngblood which is.... contributing to this) so i really don’t know if what goes on in my head is accurate, but, over the years, i’ve come up with a Lot of Thoughts, which i’ll discuss below. 

tldr; it’s all about power (the desire for, the subversion of, the need to maintain), but if you’d like the specifics, here you go:

daryan: i think the explanation that he did it for “the money” is a line. please don’t mistake me, daryan is an asshole and a murderer, im not discounting that, but in court ive always thought that he was playing the part that everyone- especially klavier- is expecting of him. he’s the bad guy. might as well make it a finale for the books.

i’ve always seen daryan and klavier as opposite sides of the same coin when it comes to family and career aspirations. where i imagine klavier came from a well off and well loved family before his parents died, i see daryan from a working class, difficult upbringing. i read a few papers on the psychology of children/parenting style of police officers and decided early on that daryan’s dad was also a cop. his mother is either dead or (more likely) left them early on. dad coped by working a little too hard, gambling/drinking a little too much, and was overall not around a lot and kind of an authoritarian/controller when he was. it left daryan with a lot of anger he had to cope with, about what it means to be a cop, the idea of a “just cause” and the ends justifying the means, and an issue with authority (which is laughable, considering what a bully he turned out to be. sometimes we emulate our parents unintentionally; it’s the only thing we have to model our behavior on). so daryan started off at a disadvantage. klavier started off loved and supported and surrounded by expensive belongings, but the death of his parents and the subsequent emotional and financial abuse by his newly appointed guardian/brother left him in a similar place by the time he and daryan met. i think it was probably the foundation for their bond, and i think it’s why klavier decided to become a prosecutor instead of following in his brother’s footsteps and why daryan ultimately decided to enter law enforcement as well. i think they had a lot of optimistic, idealistic thoughts on being better than the people that hurt them, on utilizing the law to make the world a better place. i don’t think klavier ever conceived that kristoph could have wanted him in the prosecutors office as another pawn to play, and i don’t think he realized how fluid daryan’s morality could be.

shipping alert—you guys know me, im crazy for the idea of a “best friends to on again off again lovers to tenuous coworkers to bitterly disappointed in but still harboring feelings for the other person despite being on opposite sides” dynamic between daryan and klavier. i honestly can’t separate the ship from the case and im sorry about it. if you read youngblood you know that i think daryan started to resent klavier pretty early on, when they were still together, when the band was still successful, because klavier was able to move forward and work through the issues of his past while daryan was seemingly stuck. yes, daryan had made detective and the gavinners were a hit, he’d risen above his initial social standing and thrown off the control his father, he had money and fame and a future. but everything he had was because of klavier. daryan needed klavier, emotionally, morally, financially. but even when klavier was professing his love for daryan, both privately and in the form of chart topping songs, he didn’t need daryan. it was obvious (and of course, healthy, but how do children of abuse learn what a healthy relationship looks like without help? especially when the only relationships you’ve ever had are codependent and, in some ways, just as toxic?) and so things spiraled. daryan got possessive and angry again and klavier got distant and they broke up and got back together and broke up and didn’t get back together but kept ending up back in each other’s arms for comfort and for support and because how the hell do you move on when the person you’ve been in love with since you were 15 is sitting next to you on a tour bus and is also your partner in a homicide case and singing songs he wrote about you on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans?

okay, shipping glasses off, sorry. but no matter how you look at their relationship, daryan’s promotion out of homicide was probably the most distance they’d had from each other in years, as it removed a large chunk of the daily “working relationship” aspect. and without klavier there to act as a moral compass, it was likely easier to slip back into his earlier thoughts about what constitutes justice and his intense hatred of being pushed around by someone who has more power than you. so enter the chief justice with a son who is sick, dying even, but can’t get the medicine he needs because there’s a government out there telling them no. The reasons are arbitrary: the medicine could be used as a poison and can’t be found anywhere else so it might come back to bite the country in the ass if it’s misused by criminals. newsflash: pretty much all medicine is poisonous if it isn’t used correctly, should we stop using penicillin entirely because some people might be allergic to it? they’ve essentially condemned a whole bunch of people to death because they’re worried about their reputation. and that doesn’t sit well with daryan, who is caught up remembering the bullshit justifications his dad would spout when he knocked him around, that kristoph would give when withholding every single penny of money klavier was entitled to until he agreed to do what kristoph wanted. it isn’t right, it isn’t fair and unfair laws shouldn’t have to be upheld, especially when they’re the unfair laws of a country you most definitely did not swear to uphold and protect. it was never about money, though daryan agrees to take it when the chief offers it to him, more for his comfort level than for daryan’s need or desire. it’s about justice and putting a bully in it’s place with a (seemingly) victimless crime that should be so easy given his role in the international division of criminal affairs and klavier’s sudden hard on for the country of borginia. seriously, how could this have been any more straightforward? daryan is capable of murder, though. all cops are. and if it came down to a “them or me” shootout, of course he’d pull the trigger. 

machi: when you come from nothing, the desire to have something of your own is overwhelming. the idea that machi is famous and financially set is disingenuous; he is not individually famous, he is Lamiroir’s “blind” pianist. yes, she views him as a son and seems to care deeply for him, but his main purpose in her life is to perpetuate a lie. machi has been abandoned before; what will happen to him if lamiroir suddenly remembers who she was in the past? what if she has a family and a true son of her own and has no use for him? what if their secret is found out and the public rejects him for his role in it? he is 14. what does he know about being provided for? about contracts and trust funds and royalties? he ended up in an orphanage originally because he was unwanted, and that led to a life of poverty and hardship. abandonment issues are rooted in fear and are rarely logical. i find it far easier to believe that machi did it for the money, but more for the power money might have given him towards independence in an unfeeling and capitalist world.

kristoph: i won’t get into this, because this is supposed to be about daryan and machi and the guitar’s serenade, and kristoph is not really involved in that at all. but i think everything that kristoph has ever done in the game, good or bad, is rooted in a pathological need to constantly be in control. i think that kristoph and klavier both have very intense personalities that they have sought to control over the course of their lives for the sake of their careers. kristoph believes that to be a good lawyer, you need to play your cards close to your chest, that to show your hand is to expose a weakness that the enemy can exploit, that to show no weaknesses at all places you in a position of power. klavier believes that to show his true self, to display his weaknesses and fears to the public, would result only in their rejection. as such, they both wear masks of their own creation even under the most intense of pressures: kristoph as pleasant and calm, klavier as magnetic and dynamic. note the primary difference in their rational? klavier wants to be wanted, while kristoph wants power. and power corrupts, after all. once you have it, what could be more overwhelming than the idea that you might lose it all? it can drive even the most rational people to commit acts of passionate irrationality in the name of holding on to that power. and kristoph has so many pieces involved in his strategy to maintain.  

[marauder-exe]

AU list!

hi! These are a bunch of Au’s that i could write,and you could request! (reposting because it didnt work the first time)

General

Fake dating (My personal favourite)

Soulmates

Coffee shop

Modern Royalty

Rockstar

Running From The Police

Rebel Against The Goverment

High School

University

Law school

Delayed-Flights-And-Were-Stuck-In-The-Airport-And-Its-Like-2Am

Roommates

Road Trip

Arranged Marriage

Im-Arranged-To-Marry-Your-Brother-But-Were-In-Love

Amnesia

Tattoo-Artist-And-Coffee-Shop-Worker

Loved-Since-Childhood

Professor-Student (of age)

Met-On-Holiday

More detailed

21.You were singing/playing guitar/etc. in the park to protest the war and a policeman tried to dismiss you for 'disturbing the peace' but you argued that you were promoting peace and things got heated and next thing you know you're being arrested for assaulting an officer. You intrigue me, so I'm here to bail you out and maybe take you on a date?

22.the nice one who everybody loves with the grumpy and strict one that the students hate and the students wonder?????????how what the fuck

23.we just had a one-night stand but a massive storm hit so now we’re snowed in, hello awkward

24. i sit at the rental booth at our local ice rink and watch you teach children how to skate

25. alternatively, i watch kids teach you how to skate because you’re a terrible skater

26. i’m running late to an important interview/meeting and you accidentally spill your hot cocoa all over my outfit

27. you’re my hot ski instructor and i’m failing the bunny hill

28. i slip on some ice and you’re the stranger who catches me

29.  i gave my winter coat to a homeless person and come into your store to warm up

30. our friends rent a cabin to go skiing and we’re the only ones who stay inside

31. you’re the asshole of our group and we don’t get along, but then i find out you make soup for the local shelter

32.we’re waiting in line for the club when you complain that your roommate stole your gloves so let me warm your hands up with mine

33.my family invites you to join our holiday meal as an obvious setup and i’m so sorry

34.the power goes out in our apartment building, but i’m not prepared for this, and you come to check on me

35.i’m having a snowball fight with my friend in the park and i hit you instead

36.a storm is delaying our flight home and i’m afraid of thunder, please talk to me while we wait

37. we’re both in small claims court and i got into a huge fight with the person suing me but you stepped in to hold me back before security got there

38. i drove two hours to the closest video rental store that’s still operating and you were checking out the only copy of the movie i was after

39. i hit you with my car but luckily you’re okay, but we should still exchange information i guess

40. i was worried about buying something off of someone creepy from craigslist but oh no you’re hot

41. my friend talked me into playing a drunken game of spin the bottle even though we’re all adults and now we have to make out

42. we both decided to take a [yoga/fencing/cooking etc] class and we’re the only two assholes not taking it seriously and everyone else is giving us dirty looks but we keep grinning over at each other

43. my date just made a scene in public and got arrested and now i’m stranded in a city without a ride home

44. sharing a cab together

45. you’re trying to get me to sign a petition and i have no idea what you’re talking about

46. you’re drunk at this festival and dancing on the table and when you eventually fell i caught you

47. we both play this stupid game online and you keep beating me every single goddamn time so i called you out and you are pretty cute but can you not

48. im a bartender and you just came in here without shoes sat down and ordered a chocolate volcano and idk what the fuck that is and im scared to ask

49. we are neighbours and every night at 3:14 am you start yodeling for no fucking reason??? why???? is that you yodeling??? its been 2 months???

50.im a pizza delivery person and i just delivered a pizza to someone in the middle of a satanic ritual and they gave me their number???

51. i woke up this morning to find you sitting in my living room with a goat in a poncho??? who are you??? why is the goat wearing a poncho??? how did you get the goat in here i live on the 12th floor???

52. we work out at the same gym and you always look super legit but i know you sing hannah montana in the shower and you know i know

53. im a cashier and i saw you stuffing you pants full of potatoes and i would stop you but you already have 27 and i want to see how many you can fit

54. its 4 am and im drunk as fuck in a mcdonalds and you have been watching my trying to eat this burger for 30 minutes

55. i was playing beer pong with a coin and i accidentally threw it right into your eye at a party

56. i’m at the beach and some kids thought it was funny to bury me in the sand when i dozed off can you please dig me out

57. it’s unbearably hot and we’re both fighting over the last handheld electrical fan at the shop at the amusement park

58. hey i just met you, and this is crazy, but i get sunburned really easily so can you please help me put sunscreen on my back?

59. thunderstorm after a menacing heatwave and we’re both getting weird looks for dancing in the rain

60.i have no idea who you are but you just fainted right in front of me holy shit dude you need to drink more in this heat

61. we both chased after the leaving ice cream van like ten-year-olds and now we’re both out of breath and a bit embarrassed

62.i clearly reserved this deck chair by putting a towel on it why on earth are you lying on it who the fuck do you think you are

63. My friends bet I wouldn’t buy these three weird and questionable items and you’re my cashier.

64.Once a week I go visit the pet store just to stare at the cute kittens and puppies and you’re the nice employee who always lets me hold them and wait I think I’m going to cry hold on.

65.You’re the DJ of the University’s radio station and every time you give an opinion on a current event I have to call and argue with you because could you seriously be anymore wrong?

66.We both wait tables at the same restaurant and you’re always mad at me by the end of the night because I make more in tips

67.We have the same class and once a week you wear this graphic shirt I don’t understand and I really want to ask you about it.

68.We both work at the same craft store that literally has no customers so we have nothing to do and I’m always reading at the register but you always have to criticize my book choice what the hell?

69.I’m working the concession stand for this week’s home game and this is the fifth time you’ve come back for snacks wait are you flirting with me?

70. we’re at a bookstore and you and I seem to have similar taste in books have you read this one? How about this one?

71. you look like you need help and I’m a professional roller/ice skater but I don’t want you to feel bad about how much you suck but wow you suck

72. You ordered your food before me and they gave you a drink you didn’t want so you gave it to me

73. We’re sitting at adjacent computers in the library and I’m taking extra care not to look at your screen out of respect but what the fuck do you keep laughing at

74. as a joke I yelled out “happy birthday to someone!” in this store and you called back “thank you!” who are you

75. You heard me talking about a TV show in class the other day and now you’re passionately yelling at me about how good it is we’ve never actually spoken before

76. It’s 10:30 at night and I left my glasses at home so I can’t read any of these labels and you’re one of the only people in the grocery store and GODDAMMIT DO YOU HAVE ANY TOMATO SAUCE WITHOUT CHUNKS

77. We go to the same support group; I have social anxiety and you’re a kleptomaniac who sorta stole my heart

78. You thought you were alone at the bus stop so early in the morning so you started passionately singing Fall Out Boy but your Patrick Stump impression could use some work and I’m not really afraid to point that out

79. I’m an artist and you have a really nice face so would you mind if I drew you?

80. We’re rival up-and-coming singers and every time one of us releases a new single the other does a cover to try to make it better; we’re always trying to top each other and out-cute each other, but half our fans aggressively ship us; our agents use this to their advantage and decide we should do a duet because it’ll be popular; unfortunately now that we’re in the same studio and I’ve seen what you’re like I really wanna know what your lips feel like

81.PLEASE I REALLY CANNOT FIND MY CAT AND I KNOW IT’S THREE A.M. BUT NEIL CATRICK HARRIS AND I WOULD BOTH APPRECIATE THE HELP

82. We were both stood up for dates at the same nice restaurant so we decide to eat together and split the check but I dunno you’re pretty interesting aside from your distractingly enormous eyebrows

83. We met at a mutual friend’s cheesy masquerade party and we agree that the only good thing about this party is the masks so you can’t judge a book by its cover only now that we’ve been talking I want to see your face but I don’t know how to ask

84. You used to date my friend who absolutely hates your guts after a messy breakup and now you’re flirting with me and I really shouldn’t be so interested in you but I am

85.We pass each other every day while we’re biking on the same path so we’ve started smiling at each other and one day you’re stopped because you’re having an asthma attack so I offer you my extra water bottle and now we’re talking and now I’M the one who’s breathless

86.I lost my little sibling in IKEA and I need your help finding them

87.I'm a private detective hired to follow you, but you're endearingly boring and mostly I just like watching you and oops, I sort of find you adorable.

88. You've been sketching me for half an hour now, and just shuffled up to hand me the finished product and it's TERRIBLE but you just wanted an excuse to talk to me.

89.  I'm at an art exhibit and I just badmouthed the art, because I don't get it, okay? And it turns out you're the artist. I'm so sorry, maybe I could get you coffee and you could explain what it was supposed to be?

90. We're the only two people who turned up to an underground gig and it should be awkward, but the band is amazing and you asked me to dance and hey, there's nobody watching but us.

91.  You live in the apartment next to me. We're not supposed to have pets, but I KNOW you have a cat. I'll make you a deal, I won't tell, if you let me pet it.

92.  I punched you because I thought you were insulting my friend, but it turns out you know each other and it was an inside joke and I'm so sorry, let me drive you to the hospital?

93. We both wanted to rent a bike for an hour but the only one they have is a tandem bike

94. I’m on a terrible date and you’re my waitor please help me

95.Our dick landlord just evicted us both

96.I’m your neighbor and I can hear you fucking someone who  shares my name

97. You’re sort of famous and we vaguely know each other through bumping into each other all the time but the media thinks we’re dating

98. Your roommate cheated on me and I just threw your laptop out the window thinking it was his

99. It’s 2am on the night of my 21st birthday and we gotta fix this fucking mess by morning or else we’re fucked

100.Fuck you and your bee farm I’ve had enough

Feel free to use any of these as your own! If you wanna request you could drop an inbox saying ‘ could you do ____ AU with this character’!

[princessjungeun]

친구: CHAEYOUNG X READER

Request: Non-Idol and Chaeyoung becoming friends?

You recently moved to Korea after graduating college, having studied early childhood education. You got a job as an English teacher in a daycare for small children which was your dream job.

Thankfully you were able to study abroad in your third year of college. So returning to Seoul wasn’t as scary as it would be if you’d never been. You were thankful for your best friend in Korea as well. If it weren’t for Jinnie you’d be living alone with nothing to do on weekends. She offered to be roommates with you upon your arrival and all you had to do was pay your share of rent. You took up the opportunity because rooming with a best friend instead of yourself is always a good idea

Jinnie loved introducing you to her friends. However, one thing that was different about them was they were mostly idols. Jinnie trained at JYP for six years, Cube for one, and YG for six months. Which meant she met many other girls and guys who were trainees and later debuted. Although Jinnie trained for so long she never debuted which she was surprisingly ok with. You’ve met a few of her idol friends on multiple occasions and they’re all really nice. But there was one friend you hadn’t met that Jinnie always said you needed to meet.

Your phone buzzed and you noticed Jinnie posted a picture of you two when you last hung out. Usually she’d post a goofy picture of you but this one you looked good. Like, really good. Hours passed until Jinnie came home but when she did she practically ran through the door with excitement.

“My friend saw my post of you and wants to meet you and she has for a while but she couldn’t cause her schedule is so busy but she can tomorrow so I told her where you work and now you two are hanging out without me tomorrow!” She said all in one breath. Your eyes widened “YOU DID WHAT? WHO IS IT? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” You yelled at your best friend.

She responded “just trust me she’s super nice.” You whined “but my Korean isn’t that good still.” Your best friend laughed and said “your Korean is so good even my friends that are foreigners can’t speak that well.” You shrugged and said “fine but what do I wear?” She replied “I don’t know? Clothes? This friend isn’t into that kind of stuff she likes personality over looks.”

•

•

•

The next day you were nervous out of your mind, you lowkey hated Jinnie for this but maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. Her friends were always really nice and really funny too. The whole day you played with your kids to try and take your mind off of it.

Finally the end of the day came and you waved off your last student. As you scrubbed crayon markings off a table your coworker pointed to the door. A small girl with a mask on stood in the doorway shyly. You immediately recognized her just by her eyes. You looked at your coworker and she said “go have fun on your date i’ll finish here.” You hugged her and headed towards the door, removing your apron and teacher name tag.

The small girl walked outside playing with her fingers before saying “I’m Chaeyoung it’s nice to meet you finally.” She took off her mask and your heart sped up more as the beautiful Son Chaeyoung stood in front of you. You responded “i’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you too...Jinnie talks about you often.”

A blush warmed her face and she smiled shyly looking at her feet. You noticed the deep dimple on her cheek and your heart at this point was in overdrive.

Hours passed and you two still haven’t moved from your favorite table at your favorite cafe. You two naturally clicked, there wasn’t ever a awkward silence or blank stare. The two of you just fit.

Your phone rang cutting you off, “It’s Jinnie...do you mind?” Chaeyoung responded “No go ahead.” You picked up and immediately started shouting into the phone in English “where are you? Are you with Chaeyoung? Are you all ok? Did you get kidnapped?” You responded “calm down Jinsoul she’s right here with me.” Your roommate responded “ok just make sure you two are done by 9 because she has dance practice tonight.” You respond “ok I got it.” Jinsoul responded “I swear if she’s late because of you I’m throwing you under the bus. Jihyo is scary when she’s angry.” You replied “I said I got it Jinnie. Have faith in me.” She laughed and said “ok i’ll see you when you get home. Bye”

You looked up and said “she told me to make sure you’re on time for dance practice.” Chaeyoung checked her phone and showed you, her screensaver was particularly interesting. It was a painting of what looked like two girls kissing. You made a mental not to yourself “so she’s definitely not straight”.

You walked with her, she held her head down as she walked with you so nobody would recognize her. Even though she wasn’t looking up conversation didn’t stop between the two of you. After you walked most of the way there she stopped. “You should go, I’ll be fine from here. Sometimes there’s people outside ready to take pictures of idols and I don’t want your privacy to be invaded.” You smiled and said “ok, it was nice hanging out today.” She smiled back and said “yeah it was.” As she turned around you called out “tell Sana I said to call me!” She gave a thumbs up and walked away quickly.

You walked back home and saw Jinnie waiting for you on the couch. “So...how do you like her?” You felt your cheeks warm up and Jinnie shouted “OUUUUU Y/N HAS A CRUSH!!!” You jumped on her and said “no i don’t!” while hitting her with a pillow. She responded “well that’s a shame...everytime I lost you she always texts me ‘who is thats she’s so beautiful’ or ‘she’s so cute’ and the most recent one was ‘is she seeing anyone?’ But if you’re not interested I’ll just-” You practícalo climbed over her trying to yank her phone away from her. “No! I am interested stop being this way!”

Your roommate pushed you off of her and said “ok good cause I already set up your next date and all of Twice now thinks you two are dating!” Your eyes widened and she sprinted out of the room, house slippers in hand ready to hit her. You shouted “OH MY GOD JINSOUL IM GOING TO KILL YOU!” She only laughed loudly in response.

[abrakeydabra]

im so pissed no matter how much a boss preaches about the team and caring about us and shit ultimately my health matters less than a waxing salon getting an instagram ad

lemmi FUCKN RANT OK

heres the basic breakdown

covid cases in my city are in THOUSANDS

there is a strict stay at home mandate, even allowing police to stop people and question them about why they are out

in the small team at my job im the ONE (1) single person that takes the bus

i have to transit to work everyday for about 45min each way

i worked from home before when covid started for months but since sept weve been in office

there is NO REASON why i should be in office

idfk like im willing to download a productivity app to qualm any of my bosses fears of me slacking or doing whatever when im working from home

but he keeps making excuses of productivity decreasing and he has to work harder

but its totally reasonable if ONLY I WORKED FROM HOME; like the so called ‘sacrifices’ he would have to make would be minimal

like im the biggest risk to everyone in our company & probably in the building but no

i talked to him about the numbers and working from home like told him im on the bus with 20+ people coming on and off each day for an extended amount everyday

and there are always going to be a risk of people who dont follow regulations, even if i report half mask jenny on tuesday some different fuck does it on thrusday like i cant control the bus and bus drivers struggle with it too

there was one day leaving work i got on the bus and someone at the back like littered shit everywhere, jacket, moisturizer, mask, shaving razor, like some crazy bitch

so we were stuck there for an hour waiting for any cops to come by and for another bus for us all to get on

YOU can come into the office MY COWORKER can come in idfc BUT LET ME; THE PERSON EXPOSED TO POTENTIALLY 100 PEOPLE A WEEK, IN A HOTSPOT AREA, FOR 2HRS A DAY- S T A Y  H O M E

so this past few days hes just let me leave early to skip the 5 oclock rush and thats basically the only allowances i get

we talked and its v obvious if i stick to working from home or nothing at all im fired (meanwhile this fucking business 1000% cannot run without me, ive basically been doing 2.5 jobs and hed struggle to hire someone to fully replace me because of this and all the shit i do)

so i get to risk my health (and his and everyone elses) so i can do this very non essential job and come in to make social media posts, websites, edit videos and just everything digital and on the computer

so this is where it gets even more scummy-

just tuesday he texted me and coworker right after work finished ‘hey work from home wednesday’

i thought FUCKING FINALLY. THIS MAN CAME TO HIS SENSES

but wed came and no explaination, no ‘hey we are doing this until the stay at home mandate is lifted’, no nothing. he said we are back in office tomorrow

but then he messages me asking if i wanted thur fri off, i say no thanks and then he offers thur fri work from home and i accept

fucking what??? ?

then i realize THIS FUCK- there was probably a covid inspector or someone coming to our building wed to check on the businesses (theres at least 2 others that are running from office too)

so the only reason i got to work from home is so he can DODGE BEING  CHARGED WITH FORCING US TO WORK IN OFFICE

and now im thinking he prob offered today and tomorrow off because there was a possibility of them coming later too and im the greatest risk and liability

he could possibly excuse everyone else coming in because the office is distanced, they drive, they wear masks and regularly sanitize etc etc,

but there is NO REASON i should be in that building

i hope someone fucking comes in today and lectures him just reams him out even without me there please fucking hell

[bethanycanttalk]

first day of year 11, 04/09/20

everything was fine this morning until i got myself sat down on the bus. at the moment masks have to be worn at all times when you are on public transport, but the boys in my year sat right next to each other crowed at the back with no masks on.  that annoyed me a bit at first but I forgot by the time the next song came up in my liked songs playlist. we then arrived at school and were told to wait in a line for our maps to be given out for the new one-way system that has been put in place. we then headed to our tutor rooms, I hate to say it but it was actually nice to see miss reed after all of this time. we discussed the changes that would be happening in school then we headed off to assembly. i hated assembly at the best of times but now it's even worse we were all shoved into the hall with no social distancing with people that weren't even in our bubble in the room. 

after the traumatic assembly, we had our first break of the day. break times are alright though because every one splits up into their own little groups anyway so i wasn't really affected by that. i saw one of my friends for the first time in months so that was nice we did hug but i don't want to talk about that (we were both wearing masks though). 

after break we went back to our tutor groups to we yelled at again about behaviour and social distancing then i had my first history lesson. i was sat at the front with the girl i sat next to in english in year 10 and fun fact i don't like her either. we started our medicine topic again which i quite enjoyed last year so it was alright today. then we had lunch and this is where the day started to go south. i was standing with two of my friends that i hadn’t really spoken to that much over lockdown and then two of the idiot boys came over and started to make fun of my bag. my bag at the moment in a black tote bag with the black lives matter symbol had embroidered by myself into it. the first boy came over and said "i see you and i support you black lives matter" which you may think sounds nice but he said it in such a piss-taking way and i was not having it. i then replied with, "it's not really funny though is it?" and he giggled back, "yes it is" WTF PERSON SAYS THAT ESPECIALLY TO A BLACK PERSON????????? needless to say, he is a rich privileged white boy who is amused by all of the violence and horror that is happening to the ethnic minority at the moment. disgusting behaviour if you ask me. that comment made me realise that not everyone has changed over these past 6 months and it’s only a very few people like myself. personally, i have truly opened my eyes to the world around me and recognised the lack of standards other people have in this world.

anyway moving on from that horrible boy my next lesson was careers where we will learn how to write CVs and apply for college. that was an ok lesson it went so fast though. 

after that we had maths, maths is one of my worst subjects purely because i have a bad relationship with my maths teacher. last year he locked me in his office and screamed in my face how bad i was at maths and how im not going to get anywhere in life because I'm at the bottom of the class. i don't think that way of "teaching" should be allowed because of its borderline verbal abuse in my opinion. but anyway, i walked in and my teacher was standing there giving out paper towels to clean our desks and the person in front of me didn't take one so i was a bit confused for a second and my teacher said "come on stop being useless" does this man want me to cry or something? language like this should not be allowed to be used in the classroom in my opinion because its verbal abuse and bullying, in my opinion. 

then i had English and i now sit next to my friend's ex-boyfriend who is the worst one for poking fun at people who are slightly different to him and guess what that's me so i better prepare myself for a whole year of bullying and not wanting to go into the lesson. 

and this was only the first day. aren't i in for a treat this year. i just want to get my GCSEs and LEAVE AND BE FREE TO BE MYSELF!!!!!!!

[nyctolovian]

Trust

Merry christmas, Sincere! So hi im ur secret santa hahahaha! I know it’s kind of weird to have a sickfic for christmas but I rly tried to write something christmassy and ummmm yeh as u can see it didnt work out hahaha! Hope u still enjoy it with its fluff!! 

Summary: Trucy is running a fever while Mr Wright's at a trial so Apollo takes on the nursing duty. But health issues aren't the only issues Apollo will help with today.

AO3 Link

“Trucy has a fever?”

Upon hearing that, Apollo and Athena turned away from the client to look at their boss concernedly.

“Mm. ... Yes. … Oh... But I’m in the middle of a trial...” Mr Wright glanced at the clock. They only had five more minutes before the trial began again.

Eyes wide with worry, the client stared at him, wordlessly begging him not to leave. At that, Mr Wright flashed her a smile that assured her that he will be staying.

“I’ll ask someone to head over to fetch Trucy on my behalf,” Mr Wright spoke into his phone. “I’ll text you that person’s number. ... Yes. Thanks.” He pressed the “End Call” button before pulling his two protégés aside. “Well, you guys heard it. Trucy’s school called and she’s running a fever. And I can’t exactly leave halfway. Could one of you help me out?” he said with a sheepish grin. “I’d usually ask Edgeworth but he’s in Germany now...”

“I’ll go,” Apollo said, raising a hand. “Our client seems to need some help managing her fear, doesn’t she?”

“She does,” Athena affirmed. “It’s making her mess up a lot of her statements.”

“Then, it’s decided. I’ll go.”

Mr Wright wrote down something on a notepad and tore the page out. “This is the school’s address.” He handed Apollo the note and patted his shoulder. “Thanks for your help, Apollo. I’m counting on you to take care of her till the trial is over. I trust you’ll be fine though.”

The bailiff called the defense back to the courtroom and the defendant jolted in fear. Calmly, Mr Wright turned to her and comforted her. Athena held the defendant’s hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

Apollo glanced back as the three of them headed back into the courtroom before heading out. He took a look at the note Mr Wright had passed to him. The school wasn’t far from here. He quickly reached there by bus and got a visitor’s pass from the security guard before heading to the reception area.

“Hi, I’m here to pick up Trucy. Trucy Wright?” he told the receptionist.

“Ah, she is in the sickbay. I’ll wake her up,” the receptionist said.

Apollo pursed his lips. Was Trucy asleep? This fever seemed to be doing a number on the usually energetic magician. And he was right. As Trucy walked out of the sickbay, she looked incredibly exhausted, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

“Oh! Polly?” Her hand flew to her mouth. “You’re here?”

“Uh, yeah. Your dad’s in the middle of the trial so I’m here instead,” Apollo explained. He glanced over her quickly before gently tugging at her bag. “I’ll carry that for you. You look terrible.” For a moment, Trucy stubbornly tightened her grip around the strap. But Apollo was just as stubborn and she was feeling tired after all so she let go and sat at one of the benches.

The receptionist took out a form and told Apollo to fill it up so Trucy could sign out. He nodded and quickly filled it up. When he gave it back to the receptionist, her eyes widened in surprise. “You’re her coworker?”

“Um... Yes?” Well, technically I’m her employee but that’d be harder to explain. Apollo thought, cringing internally.

The receptionist laughed good-naturedly. “You two look so alike. I almost thought you were her brother! So you are a magician as well?”

“No, I’m not her brother,” he said, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “And I’m not a magician either. I’m a defense attorney. See?” He lifted his lapel.

“Polly, are you flashing your badge again?” Trucy asked from behind him.

“... No.”

The receptionist giggled as she filed the form away. “You two really get along well. Thank you for picking her up.” She craned her neck to look at the sick girl. “Rest well, Trucy!”

Seeing how tired Trucy was, Apollo got an Uber to take them back to the Wright Anything Agency.

As soon as they got in, Trucy started to nod off. However, when her head began to droop, she would suddenly straighten up again and the cycle would repeat.

“Just close your eyes,” Apollo said, leaning towards her. “You’re tired, right?”

“Ey, lass, y’ sick?” the Uber driver boomed, peered behind.

“Please look in front while driving,” Apollo reminded.

“Yep,” Trucy replied. “Fever.”

The driver nodded and turned his body slightly to look at her. “Thought so. Take forty winks, lil’ lady.” (“Oh god! Please look where you’re driving! Car! Car!”) Yer brother there can wake y’ up when we reach.”

“He’s not my brother,” Trucy said with a slight pout. “He’s just Polly.”

“Ey! Sorry ‘bout that! Y’ two got the same face!” the driver guffawed so loudly the car seemed to be shaking. Apollo clung to the roof handle for his dear life.

“Why do so many people say that?” Trucy mused aloud. “My friends in school say that too. Remember that time when I forgot my umbrella, Polly?”

Gulping, Apollo nodded. He won’t be remembering that any longer if the driver kept turning around to talk to them. “Alright, nice. Can you please nap now? No talking while napping,” Apollo said, patting her head. At least then Trucy won’t goad the driver into talking again.

“Good night,” Trucy muttered absently as she curled up in her bed.

“Good night,” Apollo replied even though he knew that was a weird thing to say at 10am. As he sat at the living room, he texted Mr Wright.

You: Trucy’s home now. She’s running a fever of 38.5 degrees. [10:34 AM]

Tentatively, he peered into Trucy’s room. Apollo felt pretty useless as he watched her tossing and turning uncomfortably. Never had he been needed to take care of someone else with a fever. And usually when he was sick, he’d just sleep it off.

Surely, he shouldn’t just be telling Trucy to sleep and leaving it at that. He frowned in thought for a while and paced around. Then, he picked up his phone again.

You: im taking care of trucy cos shes got a fever. 38.5 but wth do ppl usually do for fevers??? [10:39 AM]

The reply was almost instantaneous.

spaceman: Oof [10:39 AM]

spaceman: Give her water [10:40 AM]

spaceman: And paracetamol or watever [10:40 AM]

spaceman: Put a wet towel on her forehead [10:40 AM]

You: im not sure where mr wright keeps his medication stuff though. i asked trucy and she doesnt know either [10:40 AM]

You: shld i ask mr wright??? [10:40 AM]

spaceman: Yeah. Do that. [10:41 AM]

You: not sure when he can reply. hes at a trial now [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Ohhhhhhh [10:41 AM]

spaceman: No wonder ure the one taking care of her [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Good luck bro!! Dont die!!! [10:41 AM]

You: ok tks i wont [10:41 AM]

spaceman: Btw for the towel, get a basin so u dun need to run abt [10:41 AM]

You: k [10:42 AM]

After sending a message asking Mr Wright where he kept his medications, Apollo placed a cup and a jar of water on Trucy’s bedside table. With a bit of nudging, she finally sat upright to down an entire glass of water before sinking back into her bed with a flop. Then, he followed what Clay said and got a basin of water and a towel. Apollo soaked the towel and wrung it before placing it on Trucy’s forehead.

Apollo noticed the minute relaxation of her facial muscles so he supposed he was doing this right at least. Thank god for Clay. What would he ever do without him?

Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, Apollo picked it up again.

spaceman: AND SOUP OR PORRIDGE [10:53 AM]

spaceman: FOR LUNCH [10:53 AM]

spaceman: Im kinda assuming mr wright wont be back before lunch cos ure usually MIA for almost an entire day when uve got a trial [10:54 AM]

You: good idea [10:54 AM]

spaceman: Careful not to drop the entire bottle of pepper in the pot again. Itll kill the poor girl. Her dads a lawyer, apollo. Dont risk it ;-;[10:54 AM]

You: THAT WAS ONE TIME [10:55 AM]

spaceman: Tell that to my poor tongue :( [10:55 AM]

You: I GET IT STOP [10:55 AM]

spaceman: RIP Clay Terran’s tongue. 2004-2024 Death by pepper poisoning. [10:55 AM]

You: ITS TIME TO S T O P [10:55 AM]

spaceman: Dont. Stop me nOOOOWWW [10:55 AM]

You: why r u quoting queen in 2027 [10:56 AM]

spaceman: Why r YOU quoting filthy frank in 2027 [10:56 AM]

You: why r we even friends [10:56 AM]

spaceman: What do u mean?? This is precisely why we r friends [10:56 AM]

spaceman: IVE BEEN CAUGHT MY PHONE NOOOOOOOO [10:56 AM]

You: wow. a murder right before my eyes. ngl i feel nothing for ur death. [10:57 AM]

spaceman: Aura speaking, apollo, stop texting clay while hes at work. [10:57 AM]

You: Noted. Sorry. [10:57 AM]

“Trucy, please get back in bed,” Apollo said. “You’re still sick.”

“My fever’s gone, isn’t it?” Trucy said, puffing her cheek, as she continued to carry things out of the fridge to be defrosted.

“Well, yeah,” Apollo said. “But you’re not completely well yet. The sick should stay in bed to rest.”

“Do you even follow your own advice?” Trucy said, arms akimbo.

“Yes?” Apollo tried, rubbing his bracelet.

The piercing look Trucy gave him made him shrink back. Lying was futile. She could perceive lies too after all. Was this what it felt like at the other end of courtroom scrutiny?

“Okay, fine. I don’t,” he admitted. “But you’re a kid! A growing kid! I’ll do the cooking, alright?”

“The guest shouldn’t be doing the cooking.”

“I’m not guest, Trucy! I’m supposed to take care of you!”

“Look, Dad’s coming back for lunch. I can’t leave him hungry,” she said.

Apollo drooped with a sigh. “I’m sure what he means is that he’s coming back to settle lunch for you. Look, I could even ask him right now!

“I highly doubt he can cook,” Trucy stated, pouting.

“Mr Wright’s an adult. I’m sure he can settle his own meals. But if you really think that, I can just do the cooking. Your germs are going to get in the food anyway.”

“I can wear a mask,” Trucy rebutted.

Apollo waved his arms wildly before dropping them in exhaustion. “Rest. Please? Trucy?”

Trucy frowned at her feet. “It’s just a meal. I can do a meal.”

“Exactly! So can your dad. It’s just a meal. He can handle that by himself,” he said.

“I’m cooking,” Trucy insisted, stomping her foot.

“Why are you so stubborn about this?” Apollo sighed. Then, he noticed her fists shaking with emotion. “Trucy…” He watched her closely. “Is this really just about cooking?”

Her sharp blue eyes shot up to glare at Apollo. “Polly! You’re perceiving me?!”

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Apollo muttered, “Sorry. Habit. But answer me truthfully, Trucy.” He looked at her again, his brown orbs warm and gentle now. “This isn’t just about cooking lunch, is this?”

“I’m supposed to be the one who cooks lunch every day,” Trucy replied.

“So you see it as a- um… a duty?”

A silent nod.

“So skipping out makes you feel bad?” Apollo asked as he pulled a chair out and sat on it. “Like you’re not doing your part?”

Another nod. This time, she tentatively added, “It’s like a contract.”

He hummed in understanding. Then, he dragged another chair out and patted the seat.

Gingerly, Trucy sat down beside him. Her hands gripped the sides of the chair, tense.

“I kind of get it,” Apollo began. “I mean, being a foster kid, most of my relationships with my guardians feel like contracts too. ‘If you don’t do this and that, you won’t get, um, whatever.’ So I kind of get it. That kind of spread to my other relationships to be honest. So I always get this guilt when I’m not — I don’t know — performing?”

Trucy huffed in amusement.

“Have I ever told you about my best friend?”

“Clay?”

“Yeah, him. I used to always set rules for myself on what I should do for and with Clay,” Apollo continued. “I’d, um, not go for things, like parties or school projects, if he wasn’t going with me because I felt bad enjoying myself without him and stuff like that. When he found out, he got so mad at me and said it was dumb.”

Trucy snickered. “That is dumb.”

“Yeah, because, you know, he really hated that I wasn’t doing things for myself because I had set my own rules for our friendship. Well, the point I’m making is this,” Apollo said. “People who care about you wouldn’t want your relationship with them to restrict or hurt you, you know? People who really care would want the best for you, I think.” He looked up at Trucy. “And I think your father cares about you. A lot.”

Trucy was silent. She wasn’t meeting his eyes.

“I-I hope the things I said made sense,” Apollo stuttered. “I was just saying what I thought. I’m really not that good with words- URNGH!”

Trucy had slammed her face into his chest. Stiffly, Apollo’s arms hovered at his shoulder level as the teenager tightened her embrace. A fond smile spread across his face. Slowly, he lowered his arms over her shoulders and pat between her shoulder blades.

“Thanks, Polly,” Trucy said as she pulled back. She shot him a cheeky grin. “You make a pretty decent older brother.”

Apollo rolled his eyes. “Quit teasing me. Now, go sleep. I have a meal to make.”

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

It's official....I'm lactose intolerant.

After these past few years trying not to go over the limit 🙃 I guess my stomach finally had enough.

And got sick from me eating too much cereal to replace my childhood comfort whenever I felt like shit and needed a hug....or cuddle after masturbation...

Sigh....this sucks. Now my honeycombs, pops, trix, and all my fruity, sweet, unhealthy friends won't taste the same anymore 😕

Soy milk and almond milk only really tastes the best with healthier cereals like brann flakes, ommggg brann.....I'm so used to her last name I typed it brann, instead of bran.

Almond with Almond crunch or honey bunches of oats, or honey nut cheerios.

Soy milk actually did taste great with Strawberry Kellogs Flakes. I introduced them to grandma when I was staying with her and she said liked it and that it didn't hurt her stomach.

I guess we do have something else in common now. My celibacy from milk. No wonder she kept drinking that watered down milk and furina. The calcium powder stuff. I had a cat by that name. I thought it cute. It was like the word ballerina, mixed with her white soft fur, and her striped. Her eyes were either grayish blue in the light, and red if you saw her in the dark under the moonlight. She chased me around the living room the first time mom brought her home. I was always scared of new things and expected her to just stay right there so I could pet her and look at her. I didn't expect her to move and try to get so close to my face, which I feared her trying to scratch me, so I ran 😅 Furina so silly.

Does that mean I can't eat pizza anymore? I love pizza too 😋🥲 it helps me when I crave pizza whenever I think about you know who...

My pride gets in the way.

I finally sucked it up and ignore Jay's voice telling me that to stop stepping over my boundaries....cause Jay always wouldn't let me like the same stuff as them when they were angry or sexually frustrated at me for being a jerk, just because I wanted an actual relationship with another person, because Jay didn't wanna date me and respect me.

That's why I felt like I was doing something bad just because I was listening to country music or watching their favorite movies or shows 🤔 its like whatever was Jay's was there's and I could only watch whatever they didn't really care about or like as much as I already did. They didn't want me to know them behind the mask, so maybe that's why they didn't want me to like something that they liked. Because they thought they owned it.

And everytime I would try to listen to a song or a show, like today, that i knew they liked. Doctor Who Episode 1, season 1. I kept hearing Jay say "get off of me", "that's not yours", "you're only watching it because I like it", "why are you here", and "why don't you just go away." "You're overstepping boundaries."

And the smell of Ayunna's sugar cookies and Black Forest gummies...Jay's pizza rolls, pop, beer, Smirnoff White Ice, pop tarts, gushers kicks in.

Why did everything they like had to be there's? And why was I kept so separated from them even before and after, and I didn't see it was so organized....the isolation. They made fun of my differences, controlled and criticized everything they thought I needed to get rid of: the food I shared, the music I shared, the new hairstyle I tried....they suggested I should get an undercut and they were the only person to never compliment me after I worked so hard to make it and everywhere else I went everyone liked my blue green twists. Jay never said anything nice. Just things to change or make it better in the way they saw it...

clothes, they thought I could do better even when we weren't going anywhere special. The only time I got a compliment was when I was wearing a crop top and they said they could see my bra. That's the reason they liked it. Objectifying me for my legs whenever I wore shorts.

shoes.....ehhh. nothing.

persistently talked about how weird and different I was because I was just so different. They just didn't understand how hurt I was to be invited over to watch something or eat something with then and I got comments and criticism...as if I was so unwelcomed...even though you were the one that even asked me to get dressed, put on makeup for you and to come over your apartment whenever you felt like it. You would even say mean, rude, disrespectful shit like "this is why I don't ask you to come over" "can't take yo ass nowhere" "I'm not inviting you over anymore" and "why are you calling me"

You sound just like Darius. The other bully I had to get rid of for telling me "I hope you and your family choke on dirty brown water." After he heard about the flint water crisis and I told him Steve harvey had got us on the show to film an episode about it.

He was a hater, just like you. Pushed me away and kept coming back just like you. On and off, on and off, on and off, on and off.

You were the worst piece of shit to ever call a friend, Jay. You hit every wound I ever had in the book, and some I told you about and then threw me under the bus after you kept hitting those same wounds over and over again like you didn't care, on purpose. Because you wanted to have your way with me, control me, humiliate me, punish me, just like your words, your blocks on phone calls, social media, and everytime I tried to talk to you afterwards. You've bruised me worse than Darius and every other thing that rejected me, abandoned and emotionally neglected me.

And everyday I have to fight myself back and live with it, the pain of everything that reminds me of us, you, and her. And I'm sick of it.

I'm tired of feeling stings in my side, my heart, betrayal in my back. The knife in my chest still stings. And you have no idea what it feels like, nor do you care. Fuck off. Fuck you. I'm watching Doctor Who, Willoughbys, and that post office Klaus movie, because you don't control me anymore.

You're just the image of everything that was, and what is no more. You're not welcome here. Just as you made me feel before. You were the 1st and the last to ever get this close to me. You're eliminated. You are a irrelevant, unstable, and a pain in my ass.

I was never rude to you unless I left, or if you started to piss me off to the highest tolerance. And I tolerated so much shit from you. I was so patient waiting for you to unblock me and talk to me each and every semester you have a fucking, baby tempur tantrum about me not not doing something you wanted me to do. I'm not your fucking dog, I'm not your fucking child, I'm not your overweight fuck buddy that you can just fetishize and use because you have a milf titty addiction. Fuck you insecure bitch, wanna be a manwhore but have double standards for women like a straight up misogynist.

WELL NEWSFLASH BITCH YOU STILL ARE A GIRL, YOU WAS BORN A GIRL, AND NOBODY CAN UNSEE IT UNTIL YOU STOP TREATING PEOPLE LIKE A CHILDISH ANGELICA FROM RUGRATS. CONTROLLING AND PISSING OFF PEOPLE FOR YOUR PLEASURE MANHO.

KISS MY ASS AND IDGAF IF YOU CHANGE YOUR NAME, GROW A DEEPER VOICE, AND GROW A DICK. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE AS MUCH BALLS AS ME. CAUSE IM PROBABLY THE 1ST PERSON TO EVER CALL YO DUMBASS OUT. LEARN HOW TO BE A MAN THAT RESPECTS WOMEN AND DOESN'T ACT LIKE A JEALOUS BITCH JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS NEW AND DIFFERENT TO YOU. UNTIL YOU LEARN EMPATHY, HOW TO LISTEN, HOW TO EVEN REMEMBER, HOW TO BREATHE, AND HOW TO BE A TRUE, HONEST, CONSIDERATE, MORAL, RESPONSIBLE LEADER, LIKE MY FATHER. THEN I'LL SEE YOU AS A MAN.

TILL THEN, YOU A BITCH AND YOU'LL ALWAYS BE. THAT GOES FOR ANY MAN, TRANS OR NOT.

IF YOU TREAT WOMEN LIKE THIS MITCH DOES, YALL ALLLLL BITCHES TOO. YO MOMMA AND YO DADDY TOO FOR NOT TEACHING YOU RIGHT FROM WRONG. YOU DONT PUT FEAR AND DISRESPECT, ANGER AND CONTROL, TO EARN ANYONE'S RESPECT. RESPECT IS LEARNED. RESPECT IS EARNED.

THATS WHY YOU AND HER DONT EVEN HAVE TRUE FRIENDS. THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU THINK YOU NEED TO RESPECT IS JUST YALL 2, AND FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE. IF THATS HOW YALL FEEL.

THEN YOULL ALWAYS BE ALONE. YOU STUPID, IGNORANT ASS, DUMB BITCH. FUCK YOU TWO DRY ASS, BASIC ASS BECKY, HOES. HOPE YOUR NECKS HURT FROM TALKING SO MUCH SHIT, YOU SOUND LIKE A DOG CHOKING ON YOUR ON YOUR PLASTIC DICKS.

YOU FUCKIN DILDO.

[yuehong]

I am about to finish my studies soon (ugh) and I started to reflect on a lot of stuff. It's pointless to share everything here, though, one thing which frequently comes to my mind are racial issues (unsurprisingly). I feel like dumping some stuff on my blog for no specific reason. Some of these have been mentioned before. The way my brain works is sometimes weird when it's past midnight.

When I was 4, I was bullied in kindergarten. Children made fun of my name and I went home crying every day till I switched to another kindergarten.

In elementary school our crafts teacher decided to let us design masks for carnival. She had a few suggestions like clowns, monsters, animals and Chinese. She described how they looked and drew a caricature on the blackboard. The other kids compared the image to me. I felt extremely uncomfortable and cried (again). I left the room to calm down. The teacher apologized by claiming that she had no ill intentions and that it was meant in a positive way as Chinese tend to have cute little noses.

Also, while I was elementary school age, my sister and I were wearing a Chinese shirt when we went grocery shopping with my dad. A lady with (probably) her child pointed at us, telling her child: "Look, there are Chinese!"

Also, during elementary school some of my classmates at some point learnt the German chant "ching chang chong - Chinese im Karton" (ching chang chong - Chinese in cardboard box) and followed me around while saying that.

My elementary school teacher also often wanted me to say things in Chinese or sing Chinese songs in front of the others.

When we started to receive grades in school, my mother told me, I needed to be great. Later, when I had to look for a job and had the same qualification as a German, the employer would choose the other person first. I was 8 at that time.

A guest in our restaurant brought a coin of the Qing dynasty to us. He told us it was the possession of his grandfather. He didn't know why he possessed it. My mother knew. Because of colonialism.

I cannot remember any representation of Chinese in media aside from the comic WITCH during my childhood.

After elementary school one goes to secondary school based on qualifications during the last year of elementary school. The "good" students go to the Gymnasium. My mother regularly read a newspaper about German-Chinese issues. Often economy-related. In one issue, a Chinese girl wrote about her experience at Gymnasium. She took part in a competition and placed second. While the school paid tribute to the winner, the Chinese girl was in the audience. She was approached by a stranger who asked her what she was doing there because that person assumed a Chinese couldn't be good enough to go to Gymnasium.

Once after a school trip I was sitting on the bus. Some of my classmates thought I already got off the bus and started to talk about me. The content in and on itself wasn't negative. They started to project from me onto 1.3 billion other people. I noticed, to them I represented all Chinese people.

During a violin event a girl told me I didn't look like a Chinese because my eyes were too big.

When I was in 7th grade, the "red spies" who came to steal and copy German technology hit the news. During a certain period of time then news frequently reported such instances. On a German-Chinese forum, several Chinese wrote that they suddenly found themselves jobless because their employers fired them without any reason (aside from fear that they could be spies). I realized my mother was right. I will have a disadvantage on the job market and I am easily disposable.

In 7th grade we had a skiing excursion. There was a presentation on climate change and the teacher claimed that China had a major impact on the climate. Responsibilities of other countries went unmentioned. I cried (a reoccurring habit). My roommates during the trip told the teacher and he apologized and explained that he understood that European countries had a big footprint.

In 9th grade I found a note next to my seat in the bus, roughly saying "You look cute Manga girl. Call me: xxxx".

A half-Indian friend wrote me that their brother liked his time in the US a lot. Less people would be envious of his success despite him being Indian. Later on that friend wrote me they were bullied. It was evident that them being half-Indian was a factor. I was... too young and my support was useless and not helpful at all. (still young tho and still making so many mistakes).

When I aced an exam, a friend would say: "That's our Chinese!"

A friend would randomly say "Confucius said"

A teacher would ask if Chinese used huge keyboards with all hanzi characters to type into their computers.

A teacher jokingly said, I would be an expert in eating dogs.

In grade 12 (roughly a year before graduating) an epidemic broke out in Germany and few other European nations. Chinese scientists figured out the genetic makeup of the specific virus and Spiegel ("mirror", a German news agency) wrote an article about how it was possible that out of all things it was Chinese scientists in Shenzhen who figured out what virus was causing troubles. Their answer: It was pure coincidence.

A student and a teacher would discuss that Buddhism is sexist because no female found enlightenment. At some point I was like no, and their only response was, oh.

During preparation courses for university another Asian guy in my course said if his family stayed in their home country, he'd be a farmer with several wives now. His new-found ethnically European friends laughed.

The week before first courses started at university for me, a group of drunk students stood in front of my dorm and called me "Ling Ling". I didn't know them.

Autumn after my first year in university, a 15 yo half-Chinese boy was beaten up in Hamburg by right wing extremists. He suffered trauma.

In the canteen a group of students were joking about how Muslims are terrorists and had several wives.

In the canteen a guy told his friends he would go to Thailand for vacation. His friend told him, he should get a Thai girl as souvenir.

A Chinese overseas student admitted to me they felt depressed because of how Germans saw themselves above Chinese and the effeminating view on Asian men.

A few German people told me, colonialism had good aspects. One of those people is one of my best friends.

In a students association which promoted social internships, they used random pictures of "poor, little African children" as advertisement for their volunteering program.

A Chinese overseas student recounted they could not join German flat sharing communities. He was denied because Chinese cuisine had a too strong smell due to spices and garlic. They didn't want that in their flats.

A Japanese friend of mine who came to my city and paid a visit to the museum was followed by a few guys who would chant "ni hao" behind her.

I joined a volunteering program in China. Another international participant was very vocal about how China is bad in so many ways. There was no real coffee. The food is too fatty. It is no wonder that Chinese men don't grow muscles. She had no interest in learning about Tibetan Buddhist art. "If it was Italian art from the renaissance, ok. But Buddhist art? Hmpf. No".

The Chinese in the organizing committee would frequently use the word 那个 (neige, "that") to describe things. Some of the volunteers would parrot them. (I am not sure if there is a relation but 那个 does sound similar to the N-word.)

An ethnically Chinese girl who was raised in Germany rejects her Chinese heritage and Chinese people.

Once I was waiting for a friend. Some guy would ask me where I was from. I said Germany. They laughed.

Often when people ask me where I am from and I respond with Germany there would be surprise in their mimic followed by silence.

My mother grew tired of people asking her when she will go back to China. Now she answers, she will first have to clarify whether she will still receive pension abroad.

I heard people say that the person who thinks something is racist, is the racist person because they interpret something as racist.

Someone told me they can't stand Mainland China

Last autumn I woke up in Hong Kong to the news of a right wing party being elected to the third strongest party in Germany.

A Chinese overseas student told me she got assigned the easy parts in projects because her German was not good enough. The subtle feeling of superiority makes her uncomfortable.

A select few instances. And the conclusion: My life is good. The things I faced are pretty common for German-Chinese to my understanding. I'm sure all German-Chinese have experienced a subset of my experiencs. And they have experienced things which I haven't. I'm sure there are people who have it worse. My experiences were probably on the lucky end. But I still want all of this to end.

[0225pm]

this is gonna be one long ass post so pls bear with me. i just felt like i must write everything in details! today was probably the most surprising day ever for me (pun intended 😂) the night before han asked me if i had any plans or if i wanted to go anywhere on sunday of which i said, no because i really didn't have anywhere i needed to be so i asked him to plan something. he then said, "ok ah i plan but you cannot ask me any questions about whatever i plan. you just follow me only. if you ask also, i will just ignore and not answer the questions." which i agreed to!!! and i was honestly looking forward to see if he actually really did planned anything. the next day, i was in a frikin dilemma LOL. mainly because i didn't know what to wear. i thought of wearing something casual, an oversized tee with a jacket or something but i figured i might be too underdressed and for some reason i wanted to look bomb af for my man. i even put on my gold metallic eyeshadow which i usually never do and mascara!!!!! i just wanted to look cute la ok hahahaha to the point that i even asked seanna what to wear or to give me some ideas for an outfit. but i ended up just piecing my own look together - i wore this cute floral top which i got the other day at temt and my black pleated skirt. pairing it with my chucks and backpack made me look almost like a 90s high school kid or smth HAHAHAAH (what an exaggeration LOL) should have worn my choker out too but ughHh i think i may need to get a new one cus the one i have is a tad bit thick and feels uncomfortable after awhile. bc of my get-up, i felt like +1 to my self confidence!! it made me feel happy. anyway, he came over to my place to fetch me and was alr waiting for me when i came down. the first thing he said when he saw me was, "why you so prettyyyyy" FML can you imagine just how much i was bursting with excitement on the insides and how happy i was???? ofc he always do compliment me from time to time but this time it made me feel really happy because he said "i can see the effort you put into your look today"!!!!! which is true i rly did put quite a bit of extra effort than usual into picking out my outfit and make up today ^^ and those actually boosted my self confidence, it made me feel cute. but oh boy what he did on the bus made me feel all electrifying and melty wtf (can you feel two diff emotions at once bc i did!!!!) so we boarded the bus and took a seat and the next thing he said again was, "why you so prettyyyy" of which i humbly said "nooOoOooO" because i'm so shy???? wtf how long together already still so shy hahahaah. and then proceeded to sniff(?) and kiss my cheek and then a lot of skinship happened wtf i love skinship with han it makes me feel so loved omg the feeling is indescribable la if you really love someone, you will probably feel the same way i do!!!! my fav was when he kept looking at my tummy (ok i'm still actually rly shy about this even tho he said that he doesn't mind and find it cute) and then joked about how the top stretches out and became white (it's a black base top) bc of my tummy. and then i just kept like poking my tummy???????? and then he just grabbed my whole body into his arms and squished me tightly and said smth like "eeee geramnye!!!" wah fuk i rly love it when he speaks malay and go all touchy and clingy HAHAHAAHAH oh i also asked if he had alr eaten and if he still hasn't made any plans we can maybe go grab a bite first then walk around the mall or smth if we don't have any plans for the day. honest to God i don't mind not doing anything as long as i'm with him!! this is absolutely legit. we don't even have to talk or whatever as long as he's physically there for me to see and hold on to ya know what i mean? ok and then we walked towards the mrt and by this time i still don't know where we were going!!!! i kept asking but like he told me the night before, he just ignored my questions and left them unanswered. he then asked me to sit under the fan (it was blazing hot today) while he walked over to he mrt waiting area and as i observed, took out his phone (i thought hmmm maybe he's trying to search where to eat or smth) and then we boarded the train and stopped at kembangan????? which just makes me questioned him again bc why kembangan when there's nothing there at all! there are no malls and places there seems barren. again, he didn't answer and then took me to the taxi stand. by this time i was kinda trying to be patient bc it was so hot and i was perspiring and my makeup was melting and my outfit felt sticky under all that perspiration i just didn't feel cute anymore. i kinda felt like all my efforts to dress up for him was gone just like that and i blame the sun!!!!! it has been rather humid lately and i hate it sfm! and then he told me to stand under the shade while he smoked a stick and then made some calls. by this time i knew he was alr booking a grab and i demanded answers. i wanted to know why he's wasting his money on grab YET AGAIN when we could have just taken the train and save $$!!! we ended up taking the grab anyway and i kinda snapped at him inside and i felt rly sorry for it bc i can be quite a bitch when i'm hot and sweaty. and then bc he didn't wanna tell me where were we going i thought maybe i can ask the grab driver but apparently EVEN SHE WAS IN CAHOOTS WITH HAN OK like i came to a sudden realization that maybe han called her to tell her not to tell me if i asked!!!!!!!! and then she drove thru geylang area and i asked han again where we're going and this time he gave me a hint!!!!!! he said "we're going somewhere where there are lots of food" so ofc my initial thought was onekm!! bc we were nearby and then i asked him "is it onekm?" and then he said "ya how u know!!!" but ugh he lied bc the driver drove past onekm and then all of a sudden we were nearby suntec area. han tried to cover my sight bc he didn't want me to see where we were gonna end up at but i struggled (i was in an uncomfortable position) so he finally relented and then spilled the beans by pointing to a poster of yayoi kusama outside and telling me that's where we're going. AND I WAS SO SHOOKETH!!!! wtf i rly was so shocked ..... ............ it never crossed my mind, not even once throughout the whole journey that he was taking me to the art gallery to see her exhibitions. istg i was so shook i didn't know what to say to him. all i rmbr saying was "omg yayoi kusama??? you're bringing me to yayoi kusama????? it's expensive tho omg whattttttttt" and then i said smth like "noOoo let's not go and waste money it's rly expensive it's like 30 bux per entry wtf" and then he said smth like "u dw go then i go myself la" and i was like "no wth!!!!!" and when we reached there, unfortunately the tickets were all sold out ahahahahah it was rly quite unfortunate bc han took so much effort and wasted money on grabbing down but honestly i felt really fucking touched by his actions today. like all those efforts to keep it a surprise till the very end, money spent on grab bc he thought that if we take the train all the way we will be late for the exhibitions, trying to plan something even though he's a horrible planner. everything he did makes me appreciate his existence in my life even more. he's rly so boyfriend material now wtf so fucking sweet and romantic. but he was really really disappointed to find out that the tickets were all sold out to the point that he even went back down to ask the person at the counter if there's really no tickets left. he said smth like "i don't usually do this and it's not everyday that i plan smth for u but the tickets are all sold out. i should have made an online booking la fuck la" he was just blaming himself all the way and i really felt so sad for him. i wanted to cheer him up but i didn't rly know how to bc i knew how much he tried his best to make me happy today. and for that, i am really really thankful bc in the end, it's the thought that really counts!!! his mood from there on just changed :( and he suddenly became rather grouchy and masked it by saying that he was hungry. but i knew he was still disappointed by the fact that his plans was botched. OK I WILL CONTINUE PART 2 LATER WHEN I AWAKEN FROM MY SLUMBER BC ITS 4:50AM AND IM STARTING TO FEEL SLEEPY