#mildly tumultuous relationship. that is not how that works

[rivalkieran]

I have seen Far too many kieran fans who are self proclaimed carmine haters so I would like to state that this is a carmine enjoyer household and if you think her and kierans sibling relationship is toxic I am going to KILL you with HAMMERS

[scarrletmoon]

About Powder Blue

This is going to be long. There are going to be discussions of suicide and trauma. This is going to be a bit of a jumbled mess because I can't tell a linear story to save my life. Don't feel like you need to read this, now or ever.

If you're wondering what the issues with PB were, and looking for what's next, read the indented text and skip the rest if you want!

I've had a bit of a...tumultuous relationship with the OFMD fandom. I've made close friends and lost them, made even closer friends who've very patiently reminded me of my worth when I needed that. I'm at a point where I'm still struggling, but I'm getting better. I'm still working on not being afraid. It's a bit of an uphill battle, but I'm still pushing my little boulder. I'm not alone this time, which is nice.

I entered the fandom as a nobody. I had almost 50 fics on AO3 and two had mildly popped off while I wasn't looking, but I wasn't really known for anything. I was a fandom ghost, posting my little fanfics and sharing them with the world because I just enjoyed the characters so much. Like a lot of people, I dreamed of being known for something. I thought that'd be neat.

I'm still in a state of shock and confusion that I've written anything in the past 2 years that people remember and even love. It's weird to be in a place where I never imagined myself to be. I can't stress enough how much I did not write explicit fic before this fandom; in high school, I would've welcomed a porn ban. I was afraid of my own sexuality, convinced it was some sort of monster I had to control. Convinced I was dirty. To other people my age, I was a prude, naive and childish for not being comfortable with it. So I feel for people who lash out now, who insist that attraction is actually fetishization, that if we set enough rules, maybe if we resist temptation, we'll be saved. I see you, and I feel for you. I personally don't think that's a healthy way to live, but if you'd told me that 2 years ago, I would've cussed you out. It's really a realization you have to come to (or not) on your own terms.

Anyway.

I know it's tacky to talk about your own success but it doesn't feel real. I go back and forth, reading other people's work -- and my god, there's some unbelievable talent in this fandom -- and thinking "shit, why would anyone read anything I've written? My stories are kindergarten finger paintings next to museum masterpieces". I am learning, slowly -- very slowly -- that I can't bully myself into a shape I like better. I'll never abuse myself into the kind of writer I think I want to be.

The first chapter of Powder Blue was written on a random day of the week after work. I was in a server -- the first fandom server I'd properly joined and talked in, watching a convo about how funnyt it would be for Ed to be a middle aged sugar baby -- when I pulled out my laptop and wrote for an hour and then posted that chapter to the server. I hadn't written for five years before OFMD. I had never finished a multi chapter fic. I posted that chapter and went to make dinner, and assumed the Google Docs link would get lost in that channel after a few likes.

That's not what happened.

The next few months were...a lot. My 7 year old Twitter account blew up from about 200 followers to 1000 in a matter of months. I was misinterpreted half a dozen times. Suddenly, people knew who I was and had Opinions. Some of those Opinions were Not Nice. I was told to grow a thick skin and get over it. So I figured my extreme reactions -- physical shaking, intense fear, a spiking heart rate, like I was being chased -- were just me being weak. I thought if I just sucked it up and laughed it off, it'd stop affecting me.

Turns out RSD is real and not an excuse I was using to be a baby, and it literally didn't get better until I was medicated! Wild

(This -- "I'm just overreacting and everyone else is secretly handling it better" -- has been a pretty consistent pattern my entire life, so figuring out I'm actually AuDHD has been mindblowing. If you've been wondering why you're so weak your whole life, I've got some screening tests you might be interested in).

Anyway my point is, a few things happened over the course of 2023 that brought me to a level of emotional pain I've never experienced.

At the start of the year, I was taking a self imposed internet break, after being forced to apologize for a tweet thread about Izzy, where I'd made the mistake of suggesting that fans of his should consider thinking about why they enjoy his character, but to only do this if they wanted to and ignore me if they didn't. This was taken as me being a hypocrite, and accusing Izzy fans of being terrible people. I apologized, vowed to never mention him again, and left Twitter for a month. Around the same time, a few things in a very close friend group went very wrong. I assumed it was entirely my fault for misbehaving, picked myself up, and tried to punish myself into a shape that would be acceptable for other people.

It didn't work.

Since I was now marked as an anti-Izzy bully, I couldn't say anything -- either on Twitter or in private -- that wouldn't be interpreted as me trying to start fights, as me being passive aggressive, as me trying to send covert messages for others to decipher so they could come and grovel for my forgiveness. Some of this is my fault -- it took a long time to learn than my private locked Twitter account isn't a diary. it took even longer for me to learn that maybe the people I was hanging out with weren't my people.

During all of this, I was posting Powder Blue after months of tears, pain, heartbreak, frustration and stress. I still don't understand why people write books for work or FUN. It was the most horrific experience of my life. It was valuable and so rewarding but jesus christ did writing PB take a lot out of me.

So as I felt less connected to my friends, as I was trying to hide how I felt because I thought I didn't deserve to be upset about anything (everything is always my fault, you see, and if I just behaved better, these things wouldn't happen to me), someone came to me and said they'd noticed some issues with Powder Blue. I'll refer to this person as the reader.

I was more than happy to hear them out. And it's true that I made some mistakes. The environment that I published PB in was not the one that I wrote it in. I didn't read any other sugar daddy/sex work fics as I was working on PB. PB was never a reaction to those fics. But because of those stories, which had handled things is harmful ways, there was suddenly a responsibility I'd never expected to have. I've never done sex work, I've just spent a lot of time listening to sex workers and trying to understand the legislation and environment as much as I can as a lay person. And since I don't have a personal experience with sex work, I shared my finished but rough draft with the reader, who did.

The problem, ultimately, is not something I could ever have fixed to their satisfaction. The fic doesn't involve dubious consent on a level that I think warrants an archive warning tag -- I tried to make it explicitly clear that Ed never does anything he doesn't want to, and that he's never coerced. The issue is that the nature of Ed and Stede's relationship is inherently uneven -- Stede is rich, and although he gives Ed money that's his to keep, Ed still isn't as obscenely wealthy as Stede is. Ed is poor and has been for a while. He's good at whatever he chooses to do, but he's struggling. That's a very uncomfortable spot to put Ed in. I also put Ed through some things that I've personally been through, as a way to work through my feelings and to try and better understand myself. If I was acting like Ed in real life, the reader is right that it would be concerning. But, importantly, Ed's not real. Nothing in this story is happening to a real person. Nothing in this story is an endorsement of any of his behaviours or unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I still believe the reader had good intentions -- the amount of effort they put into coming to me would be utterly bizarre for someone who was just looking to be cruel for no reason. But that also doesn't change the fact that being told I was having a trauma response and needed to stop working on the fic immediately, pushed me into the most suicidal period I've ever experienced.

That's not their fault. I'm sure that wasn't their intention. I've chosen to not try and find out who they are, or try to contact them again to respect their privacy. Some of the things people said to me, publicly dismissing the reader's pain, were so harrowing to read that it made me feel worse for ever writing PB in the first place. They were right to stay anonymous.

I'm sure the reader never meant for me to have such a massive breakdown that I took down the entire fic and left Twitter (and a few friend groups). It's been difficult to understand that just because someone didn't mean to hurt me, doesn't change the fact that I was hurt.

One silver lining is that I did go and find a new therapist. She's great! And she also thinks that how the reader tried to bring things up to me was wrong. As the reader obviously saw, I have a lot of Trauma, so I'm still not entirely convinced that I didn't deserve what happened to me. I'm not angry at them. I appreciate their concern. I just can't do what they asked of me. In the end, Powder Blue was not a story that was right for them. And that's okay.

My point in detailing all of this, is that I stayed quiet for a long time because I didn't think I deserved to tell my part of the story. I was scared that when people said they respected my choice to take down the fic, that they agreed I'd some something impossibly harmful. People trusted my judgement but I didn't trust myself. But people didn't know that I didn't trust myself.

Additionally, reader can't speak on this without revealing themself in some way. I'm terrified that they might read this and say something anyway. My biggest fear is becoming the kind of writer who sees negative criticism and pushes on anyway, or even blocks people who disagree with me. I don't want to hurt anyone the way I've been hurt.

BUT I've been holding onto this for months. I cannot write a perfect fic that will never trigger anyone. I will never write a meaningful story that won't hurt someone, no matter my intentions. There IS a way to admit you fucked up, or a way to listen and disagree, without turning into a raging asshole. I'm struggling to find that line. I'm hoping I'm making the right choice here.

And honestly, I'm just soft. I am so fucking soft. I talk a big game but I am so soft that a single person poking at my trauma caused me to break down so severely that my partner was legitimately afraid for me. I am learning that this softness doesn't mean I should become a crueler person to cope. But it's hard. There are going to be people who see this post and think I'm being a whiny crybaby looking for attention and pity. And I just have to deal with that.

Anyway. All previous chapters of PB will be up soon. Read them or don't. I will do my best to add more detailed trigger warnings. And I would personally suggest that if you're worried about any of the content in the fic, to run these worries past a friend who's read the fic, because they'll know you better than I ever will. Please don't read Powder Blue if you think it'll harm you. I would rather have fewer readers than triggered ones.

If there's anything I've missed that you think I need to address, know that my inbox is open, that anon is on, and that I'm not in the business of retaliating against people who come to me with an issue, even if they're a dick to me while they're doing it. I'm not going to dismiss someone because they weren't nice to me while they were upset. I'm a bitch but I'm not that kind of bitch.

So. Thank you for waiting for this fic. Thank you for waiting for me. We've got something like 16 chapters to go, and I can't tell you when they'll be up, or if they'll be up soon. But thank you for loving this story. I can't tell you how much that means to me, especially now.

Love,

Scarr

[untitled-bagel]

I still ponder

The way things started should have been an indication of how it would end. It always was. How many movies had I seen where the plot churned forward, obvious from a mile away to everyone except for lead. But here I was, staring at the ceiling, sprawled out amongst the pillows. Smoke billowed into the rays of afternoon sun, making mesmerizing patterns in the deafening silence.

Every once in a while, the past would grip my heart just to see how the emotional wound was healing since the last check-in. The ache was mildly raw this time, memories of the past replaying in quick succession, dragging emotions around for the ride.

Could he still walk in through the door? Was it all for nothing? A waste of time? But that one time.. When he gave me that look. One time is nothing, It just proves why he'd just disappear like that. Better judgement argued denial, bouncing off the inside of my brain while fingers crept numbly back to my lips for another drag.

It's been nearly a year, what's wrong with blocking him and moving on? my better half argued. He literally could have done the right thing any time within that year and he still fucking hasn't. This proves he was always either a coward of epic proportions or that he just didn't care that much to start with. That one hurt. A loose loose loose, as in he made me loose my fucking mind. I exhaled a cloud as it settled into ribbons floating lazily in the sun. My eyes unfocused.

The idea of finding anyone else paled in comparison. Who even the fuck had that guy been? His past outside of our innermost sanctum had screamed the truth but it had felt so good to be seen that it was easy to keep leaning in over and over.... until I fell.

A tumultuous year had me exhausted, having changed jobs, getting diagnosed as autistic, everything was foreign. Taming emotions left untouched for so long was like twirling around in a field of landmines. Nowhere felt safe other than his arms, hands scratching my head as he soothed me to sleep each night, a tradition adopted upon moving in together.

Escaping together felt like a shimmering glimpse of hope, not quite unfolding as elegantly.

I later found out he hadn't been under the impression that I was trying within the relationship, later admitting that the last time he felt that we had been romantic had been nearly six months prior to the trip.

This made things more confusing. My bones grown weary from clutching on to the relationship, weighed down by a noxious cocktail of work-related stress and seeing my best friend fade away without warning felt so deeply unstable that the world was crumbling at the edges. Tiny fissures weaving below my feet suddenly so apparent in hindsight. Our bodies had barely touched during the entirety of the trip when we weren't fucking.

The silent transition to "pity fucking friend" from "woman of his life" haunted my darkest anxiety spirals, lurching about in a broken cadence, beating my heart with every step.

[itwasmagic]

re: gg au

hear me out bc that makes me think of two ideas going off of what you said:

1- both of them live out of town in the beginning, when emma gives henry up for adoption and then moves to somewhere completely different for a fresh start after prison while regina adopts ‘a’ baby and gets The Fuck out of the city her mother is a big shot something at and doesn’t rlly tell anyone in storybrooke when she arrives that henry isn’t her biological kid (she doesn’t even want to bond with people anyway) and so when they get there, a few months after emma, emma already works at the diner and stuff and doesn’t think much of the baby situation bc babies kinda all look the same and their faces change a lot in the first few months. tho when she looks into his eyes she almost thinks maybe- but no. that would be crazy and also her biggest nightmare, right? right?

as he grows and starts going to school and stuff, henry loves going to emma’s diner bc she gives him cocoa when regina ‘isn’t looking’ (regina totally is looking and they both know it) sometimes (her motives are purely because she finds it fun when regina is annoyed and they keep finding ways to mildly inconvenience each other (even if emma also secretly gives regina a lot of perks and kinda helps her out a lot, which regina would never say but she is very thankful for).

when henry grows a little more into his preteen years, that’s when they sorta start blowing up bc henry finds emma fun and hangs out with her a lot and when he starts fighting with regina after finding out he is, in fact, adopted, he takes to saying stuff like well it makes sense you’re not my real mom, i wish emma was my mom instead. tho emma at this point is just like whoooooah i am definitely only fun aunt material. anyways, regina starts being less ‘sweet’ (her version of it anyways) on emma from then on and just like in the show, henry is the one to figure out emma’s his bio mom – which he doesn’t hesitate to throw in regina’s face.

2- this one is more of a tangent from what you said and idky it just came to mind lmao

regina is the one to own the diner when emma comes to town with a newborn baby (she was given up for adoption by the blanchard-nolans, who are really rich but idk there was some situation they gave her up for adoption for) and then adopted by them again at like 16. she hated them and they had a rlly tumultuous relationship and one day the boyfriend she loved mostly because her parents hated him got her pregnant and she Just Fled the town her family is basically royalty at and moved halfway across the country to somewhere she thought she’d never be found.

she has a near-jail scare right before moving and contemplates giving henry up while she’s pregnant, but he’s born in her car or some shit and she can’t help needing to hold him and she’s all he has while they’re on the run (she would never give him up somewhere she didn’t trust) and by the time she gets to storybrooke, she would never give him up at all.

regina is the cranky person who works at the diner (tho at this point it’s still owned by granny, but granny basically trusts regina with everything — even though they bicker about decisions such as ‘how (un)healthy the menu should be) and denies anyone wifi access until this barely-grown woman gets in with a baby and wide eyes and disheveled hair just begging for some leftovers or anything that would help her get some basic nutrition so she can feed him bc it’s been days since she produced milk and he won’t stop crying, he’s so hungry. regina tells herself she makes emma food (healthy this time, granny will just have to deal with it) only so that the baby will stop crying bc it’s scaring off the other customers but it’s a blatant lie.

cora runs the town but regina doesn’t speak to her and at one point she runs cora out of town bc for some reason she works at a diner but has major influence on everyone?? natural leadership skills girlie. also because she’s lived there all her life and always been a sweet child everyone loved and life hardened her but she was still kind, in her own way, and everyone kinda wondered how she would have turned out like that with a cruel mother like cora and a father who didn’t really protect her from that. but i don’t think she’d be caught dead becoming mayor — she already has all the power she needs and she doesn’t want to turn into her mother.

emma’s journey in storybrooke is very similar to lorelai’s in gg and she ends up running an inn and regina is just so helpful and good with kids and she’s There For Them yk? and she bickers with emma about everything but they grow closer and maybe emma poaches her from granny’s so they can open their own inn and it’s just very clear that regina has taken a mothering role in henry’s life (even if they don’t talk about it, even if it breaks regina that they don’t talk about it) and is a lot of times surer about how to handle a parenting situation than emma is (emma often wonders if she really should have given him up for adoption back when that was something she would survive, because she doesn’t feel like a mom. she feels like a kid who never really got enough love to grow up and never really had an example of what a family should be like and doesn’t have a single clue of how to be henry’s mom. but regina does, and regina helps, and emma is okay with that).

from then on is our idiots’ journey becoming co-parents long before they act on their romantic feelings towards each other (maybe emma brings up getting married so regina will get to adopt henry and officially be his mom as well, and regina just storms off bc she’d love nothing more but she doesn’t want to platonically marry emma and she doesn’t know how emma could be clueless and aloof enough to even suggest that, because for years there it felt like emma might feel the same). anyways idk what after that

this is a version that would be a lot more distant from the stories in gg and ouat but for some reason it made sense in my head? idk i’d love to hear your thoughts on both ideas tho bc you’ve awakened something in me now LMAO

this is following this post for anyone with no clue what we’re talking about

hear me out

i’m SEATED we’re going full meta baybee

1

i love this one bc it’s basically what i was thinking with my post but jumping in kinda in the middle n having it as backstory n henry finding out emma is his real mom n not getting along with regina fits in like rory moving into her grandmas pool house 😢

2

i’m not really huge on au’s that completely change everything so for me regina owning the diner just doesn’t fit i think people who like roni x emma fics would enjoy it but i don’t really like hyperion heights fics either :/ but emma being the one to leave her parents n wind up pregnant in storybrooke in more of a lorelai role definitely works!!

the problem of it not adding up in my brain is that i love luke’s acts of service love language of showing up n fixing things all the time n i feel like emma would be the one in his role working in the diner (wearing flannel ofc) n seeing this amazing woman trying her best but with no idea how to raise a kid by herself while working a full time job and maintaining a house bc she grew up rich enough to have everyone else do it so, as amazing as she is, it gets overwhelming so every time regina makes the tiniest mention of anything broken emma is there the next morning fixing it up… to keep the kid safe… obviously.

but i love one of them working at the diner/the other turning up in town with a baby bc i think daily about how a younger luke would have reacted seeing a permanently stressed/panicked looking 16 year old carrying around a baby

the co-parenting n accidental platonic marriage proposal so true though 😭 that would definitely happen n be the catalyst for one realising their feelings (bc i’m a sucker for the ‘they’re both in love they’re just idiots’ pining trope i need it to leave me ready to strangle both and screaming “just have a conversation!!!” at my screen) n then it would be like when luke asks lorelai out n she’s like ‘i think i’m dating luke but i’m not actually sure?? and i said yes??’ lmaoo (regina being the one not realising n then being mad about not realising would be so funny but it works either way) and then to truly drag it out neal comes back all ‘henry is my son / rory is my daughter’ ‘oh really? then where the hell were you when…’ n i don’t remember the beginning of the whole april storyline well bc i’m rewatching but i feel like it could play into that just to reeeaally drag out the slow burn

oh and extra addition anyone reading this i demand you respond (pls)

when they first kiss which ouat character has a night terror and runs between them naked and screaming

[cherry-interlude]

Lana Del Rey Unreleased Ranked (2)

This is a re-ranking of Lana's unreleased songs, after making a first a few years ago. This is all my opinion, which I don't mind anyone disagreeing with but don't come for me for it - honestly, I like every song, despite any criticism, and this ranking is very vague. It's based on objective and subjective opinion.

This is the second of five posts, going past my least favourites.

Money Hunny

Lana details the downside of money, detailing the ways it ruins lives and causes more problems that good for some. However, it’s simplicity isn’t what makes Money Hunny fall short – it doesn’t resonate at all compared to Lana’s countless songs where she is either rich and famous or she is desperate for money (or men with money). As thought-provoking as Money Hunny is, it feels too twee and out of place in her money-adoring music to really hit hard. If Lana has spoken on the topic of how money can literally damage lives more, it would perhaps gel better with me, but with songs like Money Power Glory, National Anthem and Off To The Races (among many, many others), it doesn’t hit the mark as a Lana Del Rey (alternate names included) song.

Strangelove

Strangelove is hypnotising, from Lana’s mesmerising voice that gives her the impression of a Las Vegas desert temptress, seducing strangers and wishing for the simple pleasures of Christmas lights and mint juleps. It hits best for the first opening chorus.

Stoplight Delite

Opening with a tuneful mechanical whir, Lana’s song wouldn’t be amiss in a teen romance film. I’m not convinced by the mishmash of music – the more classical band instruments with unrelenting whirring begins to overwhelm the song. Lana’s at her sweetest in this however.

Daddy Issues

The music is a bit too harsh but it’s a nice enough song, referencing Baby Blue Love among others. It isn’t Lana’s best by far, messy with lyrics that go all over the place, but (yet again), it would be more promising if it was completely remade and produced properly. The demo, I Was In A Bad Way, is a lot more maudlin and less enthusiastic, so it does fall behind Daddy Issues.

Catch and Release

It’s another song that’s kind of creepy, with an eerie vibe thanks to the relentless, whining music and Lana’s razor-edged warnings in her lyrics. Lana is practically a megalomaniac in this song, completely selfish and unafraid to ask for – and get – what she wants. Yet it’s quite a hypnotising track that, with further production, could be more cohesive and dramatic.

Marilyn

One of her old live performances, Marilyn is too simple in its lyrics but is a strangely erotic tribute to Lana’s icon. Lana owns the stage in this performance, a more carnal honouring than some of her other outputs.

Noir

Lana really goes for it in this furious song of crushed self-esteem and badly treated lover. Lana lets her vocals rip and tear as she growls about her “papi”, her being merely his dolly to do as he pleases. It's not her most perfect song but she doesn’t hold back from letting her hurt and frustration spill over.

Bellevue

Lana utilises haunting harmonising in Bellevue and though she seems hung up on her lover not wanting her around (she repeats it, as if she can’t let go, throughout the song) she still convinces herself she could go back to the old days of drinking and not being hurt. It helps – her chanting – to bring out the emotion of the lyrics, and maintain that broken feeling she is so good at conveying whilst saying how happy she is.

Put Your Lips Together

Taking on the character of a femme fatale who can hold her own, Lana seduces the listener on top of a chilled instrumental. Her lyrics are little bit dirtier as much as her vocals aren’t their best in the choruses (of course, it being a rough demo might have something to do with that). It’s definitely a song that, if completed, could rank alongside Beautiful Player and Ooh Baby in her seduction library.

Starry Eyed

Starry Eyed is a romantic enough song, with a gentle plinking intro that leads to a rumbling, Born To Die-esque track – complete with Lana’s pretty vocals. However, it does tend to drag, a slow song that I find majorly skippable. The dragged-out choruses get tiring after a while of listening so I don’t frequently listen to this song.

Breaking My Heart

Lana is fully materialistic in this song, referencing multiple designer companies as well as her desire to be loved and party. It’s not too imaginative in its lyrics, instead pure pop with a mixture of lyrics that never quite come through with a particular meaning, but it’s a good enough bop.

Butterflies Part 1

A little love song about a tumultuous teen romance, Lana plays off the lovestruck teen ultimately in love with a guy not good for her perfectly. It’s heady and full of the rushes of love, emotive enough to get the feeling of a girl going mad from her relationship.

Ben

Lana, using the rain to her advantages, moodily comforts her executive love in the full femme fatale façade, quietly passionate. Lana, as much as she loves him, is still her own woman, insisting she will smoke if she wants and playing with her voice to showcase such control.

All Smiles

Lana puts on a happy smile as she mopes over Jimmy in this small-town, fifties-painted tale of a girl who wants a man she can’t have. She mostly hits the mark in this acoustic track and has the right foundations for a decent country ballad.

My Best Days

My Best Days is a short song of cleverly utilised trap beats, autotune and slowly layering instrumental in which Lana isn’t happy without her lover. The organ outro is gorgeous, and it’s a track that can perk you up or calm you down.

Get Drunk

Restless pace, whispered mocking and an overall darkly seductive tone – it’s unembellished and, in some ways, could play as Lana dealing with her past alcoholism (demanding whomever the song is directed to should get drunk). It’s a vibe Lana should explore more over a decade since Get Drunk and the like were made.

Let My Hair Down

A simple and spooky track, Lana has an acoustic jam session consisting of unsettled guitar, bongos and her voice. It’s rather repetitive but it’s something different that works well. It shows Lana doesn’t need too many fusses and frills on her tracks to make something captivating, much like her Sirens album.

Every Man Gets His Wish

The intro of upbeat whistling climbs into a lowkey track that goes from sensual stuttering and a sad chorus that still sounds like Lana has a smile on her face. The mood shifts along with the tune but it is altogether cohesive.

Dance For Money

As stripped as the pole dancer Lana plays, Lana gently teases and cajoles in her ode to older men, lemonade and motorcycles with little else.

Back To Tha Basics

Much like the title, this track is a little bit basic but it’s still zesty with a wonderful instrumental and some pop-inspired vocals.

Butterflies Part 2

Production isn’t perfect on this track but Lana has such promise in this song in which she compares to lured in girls to butterflies pinned to a wall, all at once melancholy, knowing and cheeky. It’s unfortunate that the lyrics are so hidden beneath the dominating instrumental, but with tweaking this stormer could be even better.

Children of the Bad Revolution

The kind of song that would be found on one of her albums, Children of the Bad Revolution is a pacy dedication to Lana’s life as a delinquent a la the 1950s starlets. It’s good but it’s not anything too impressive, instead a chilled track that is simply about being free.

Beautiful Player

Lana mopes in the track about a somewhat disliked girl (perhaps they’re all jealous of her) who is in love with one of her players, giving the feel of a villain club performer smiling with red lipstick on and black mascara staining her cheeks.

Lift Your Eyes

Lana takes control in this song, instructing her lover to lift his eyes, rise above his demons and join her in self-respect. It’s a fine alternative to her gushing and moping characters, and with machine-like music running under the song, Lana sounds stronger than ever.

Valley of the Dolls

In this compact track Lana is once again frustrated by her lover. It’s pained but pretty with her vocals once again taking the forefront.

C U L8r Alligator

Just an acapella demo, C U L8r Alligator is simply Lana’s voice with her beating a rhythm in time. However, I really do like this song. I think it would sound even better polished and complete, but for a rough demo it’s promising. The Kristijan Majic remix is the version I most listen to, which makes it sound even more eerie (and if anyone remembers the D1ETPUSSY video that went with it, you’ll get why this song doubly haunts me). It’s not Lana’s finest but it’s a song I would have loved to see developed.

In The Sun

In The Sun is so hot it burns, more heatwave than refreshing sunshine, as she scorns her ex-lover. It’s not the finest instrumental but Lana sticks her fingers up with incredulous shock that someone could betray her so. She keeps the vibe great paired with blue skies and swimming pools with the upbeat music.

Hot Hot Hot

Big Bad Wolf, a slightly different demo track, is what I favour – stripped back, sexily uneasy, the lyrics letting the vivid imagery of red skirts, red cars and devilish men shine. Yet Hot Hot Hot is a decent, if not cheesier, song too, the chanting great for singing along.

Trees

Lana and The Rich Whores strike out with this kickass band-driven track that showcases Lana’s feistier vocals strongly. The lyrics are sparse but the overall feel of Lana going nineties-rock-chick keeps me wanting more of her in this style.

Push Me Down

Rather than being like the controversial Ultraviolence, Lana keeps the ‘violence’ fun in this pacy song, demanding her bad boy treats her badly in the best way possible. With a mildly rock edge, it’s still distinctively party-Lana, reminding of a pop-ier True Love On The Side.

She’s Not Me

It isn’t particularly imaginative pop but Lana lets the guitars do the talking as she whispers her warnings to her ex-lover. Lana owns this track, and though it feels a bit amateur in comparison to her discography and some of her stronger unreleased music, it shows she would have been great even if she went for the noughties chart pop scene. Fun and punchy, it’s a song to play on repeat.

I Don’t Wanna Go

The tentative and tight intro gives me the vibe that Lana wants to avoid going home rather than simply wanting to hang out with her lover, and her pain-tinted vocals in the chorus only add to the theory. She compliments her fascinating guy throughout the verses, a little more restrained but ultimately tense in delivery, before confessing how much she wants to stay out.

St Tropez

This is a great track for dancing and a celebration of being a party girl with plenty of attention. Best played when you want to imagine yourself as the main character.

Summer of Sam

Lana has yet another song of being a cutesy bad girl, comparable to the likes of Dangerous Girl and Playground, but it’s still fairly generic, standard pop fare. Summer of Sam is still quite fun however, drenched in pop and even with a hint of rap-talking keeping the song lively.

I Talk To Jesus

Lana returns to her religious roots in a less blasphemous way (Body Electric, for example) and instead sings a sad ditty about wishing she could have her old life. Solemnly it remembers her past (as seen in her older music) where she had the trailer parks, Christmas lights and her equally holy boyfriend.

Axl Rose Husband

The imagery is rich and gorgeous, not to mention the reference to one of Lana’s idols, but Axl Rose Husband doesn’t always do it for me – despite her strained, desperate vocals that perfectly exemplify her emotion.

Ooh Baby

Sampling Sexual Healing, Lana ramps up the sex appeal as she lets the listener know how much they want her, all while keeping it a little but more upbeat than the original song.

Other Woman

Lana’s tired of being the other woman in this track, and I like the way the lyrics flesh out the story a bit more rather. However, the chorus does get a bit tiresome sometimes.

Girl That Got Away

Lana shows you exactly what you’re missing as she mopes for her ex-lover with a smile on her face, taking the reins and knowing she has something he misses in a bubble-gum pop song about being the it girl you’ll regret letting go of.

[ejzah]

A/N: Chapter 9 of the revised TATL.

***

The Agent and the Lawyer, Part 9

“So, how did you go from breaking into cars to defending LA’s finest?” Kensi asked as she and Deeks walked up the pathway to his front door. There wasn’t any good reason for her to follow him, but she was reluctant to end the night.

Deeks was remarkably easy to talk to. He was funny, teasing at times but never judgmental from what she could tell. A simple question about Kensi’s motivation for becoming an agent and somehow turned into a discussion about their families.

Kensi had told him about her parents, how she had stayed with her father after they divorced. She’d shared more than she normally would on a date, let alone a casual dinner.

Deeks had been less forthcoming about his own family, but from what she could gather, his upbringing had been somewhat tumultuous. He’d kept her mostly distracted with a series of stories about the mischief he and his best friend in high school had gotten into.

“My mom threatened to put me in reform school,” Deeks told her with a grin. “And to never let me see Ray again. As teenagers, that was enough to scare us into submission. We stopped messing around so much and focused on our grades. It wasn’t easy, but somewhere in law school, people stopped looking at us like the scholarship kids we were.”

“Well, your mom must be really proud.” He’d mentioned his mother a few times-never his father. Sensing it was a possibly sore point, she didn’t push, even though it was driving her crazy.

“Heh, sometimes.” Deeks pulled a face. “We, uh, have what you would call a complicated relationship.” At Kensi’s questioning look, he sighed and explained, “My dad...wasn’t exactly the best father. After he was out of the picture, some years were pretty rough. We were fairly poor, living in a bad area, and like I said, I got into some trouble in high school.

“My mom was so relieved the day I got accepted into college and every other milestone I reached.”

“That doesn’t seem like a bad thing,” Kensi commented, mildly confused.

“Yeah, well, she thinks I take too many risks.”

“Like going undercover and confronting a known killer?”

“Oh, god, she’s never hearing about that,” Deeks said, sounding completely horrified. “I’d never hear the end of it. No, mom thinks I shouldn’t take so many cases that involve “thieves, killers, and terrorists” as she calls them. She’s just a tiny bit dramatic.” He held his forefinger and thumb about a millimeter apart.

“It sounds like she’s just being a good mother,” Kensi said and Deeks smiled a little.

“She is. But she’s also completely crazy.” Despite his words, she could hear the affection in his voice. It made her like him even more, which was slightly terrifying.

As was the way her stomach clenched pleasantly whenever he smiled or laughed. Her eyes traveled down from his mouth, to his neck and chest, the way they had all night long, to the perfectly tanned skin peeking out from beneath his shirt.

“I should probably go.” She cleared her throat, hastily looking down before she could ogle him any further, glad for the dim lighting which hid her burning cheeks.

“You wanna come in for a little bit?” Deeks asked, gesturing to the closed door. “I have beer. Or coffee. Or this fancy tea that tastes like old socks, but the cleaning lady insists will cure just about anything.”

Kensi chuckled, shaking her head. She didn’t think the offer was meant as anything more than what he said, but it felt like too much, especially when she couldn’t get the thought of his muscles-so perfectly defined the first day they met-out of her mind.

“Maybe another time,” Kensi declined gently. “I do have work in the morning and I wouldn’t want to screw up your case by keeping you up too late.”

“So responsible,” he teased, but didn’t question her excuse. “Thanks for tonight, I had a really good time.”

“Me too.” Before she could convince herself it was terrible idea, Kensi closed the space between them and pressed her lips to Deeks’.

She felt the soft hair of his beard brush against her chin, the soft, yet firm pressure of his lips. It would be so easy to push him against the door and say she changed her mind. Instead, she pulled back reluctantly, letting her hand slide down Deeks’ chest. She didn’t miss his soft, barely there sigh of regret as she took two purposeful steps away. “Good night, Mr. Deeks.”

“Night, Agent Blye.”

[earnestly-endlessly]

Could you please rec cherik fics where they still have powers but being mutant is well accepted? (Kind of like the Daycare Verse by brillingspoons) THANK U SO MUCH YOURE INCREDIBLE

Hi anon, of course I have a list for you. I am so sorry for the delay. I have been super busy lately with work and home renovations, but I’m back and I have a looong list for you. Now, the nature of x-men as a parallel of the very real fight of minority groups for civil rights makes it pretty hard to find fics where everyone accepts mutants.That’s actually why I love the x-men, because they represent the fight of those who are ostracised. So, some of these might have some social commentary, but the main focus does not lie there. Also, if you love the Daycare Verse check out pocky_slash’s fics (who actually wrote the majority of the Daycare Verse). 

------

Cherik ´Still Have Powers Modern AU´ Fic Recs

irreconcilable differences (make for surprisingly good bedfellows) – pocky_slash

Summary: Tonight on The Evening Report with Malcolm Stevens, noted geneticist and mutant equality proponent Dr. Charles Xavier faces off with the infamous mutant rights activist Magneto in a live televised debate over the Genetic Nondiscrimination Act.

(At least, if they can stop flirting long enough to stay on topic.)

Words and Pictures – pocky_slash

Summary: When Lorna's powers manifest early, Charles Xavier's mutant picture books are the perfect teaching tool. Erik just hadn't expected the author to be so young. Or attractive. Or available.

For the Record – endingthemes

Summary: As prominent figures in the mutant rights movement, activists Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr are pretty much household names. When a romance scandal between them breaks, their celebrity reaches new heights, and though the increased exposure is great, there’s a big problem -- the two of them are just friends.

Too bad no one believes them.

Runs in the Family – Anonysquirrel (chibirisuchan)

Summary: Alex knew his own reputation. Hell, he'd started some of his own reputation, because it kept some of the smarter thugs off his back. Everyone knew Alex's reputation. There was no way Hank didn't know his reputation, but he'd brought Alex into a house with some really expensive things and a lot of innocent little kids and his too-friendly, too-harmless dad.

But clearly Hank hadn't told his family anything about Alex, just like he hadn't told Alex anything about his family. At least, not about the brain-breaking parts of his family.

"I didn't know where to start," Hank said, for the dozenth time.

Featuring mpreg!Charles in a Kiss The Cook apron, overprotective!Erik in wet black leather, and baked goods. Lots and lots of baked goods.

(Another segment of this series is posted under the Cookie Cutter fic collection - thanks again, Takmarierah!)

Impulse Decisions – listerinezero

Summary: Erik wakes up in Las Vegas with a hell of a hangover, a telepath in his bed, and a ring on his finger. Now what?

You Show Me Yours - endingthemes

Summary: When Erik receives nudes in the middle of the night from an unknown number, he's confused and mildly amused. He doesn't expect it to turn into an actual conversation...with feelings.

As if that's not baffling enough, his friend's brother ends up crashing at his place, further complicating everything.

Some Such Place (The Big Screen Classics Remix) - Pocky_Slash

Summary: Erik's spent the last eighteen months having lengthy socio-political conversations and casual sex with Charles Xavier after seeing Monday matinees at a dingy little independent movie theatre in the Village. That doesn't mean they're friends. Or that Erik should have any say in what Charles is going to do with his future.

(At least, that's what Erik keeps telling himself.)

Into Your Tar, Honey  - tomato_greens

Summary: Really, Alex doesn’t know why he’s in the damn class.

(Or, the one in which Charles teaches an online Introduction to Biology course, and Alex reads more than he expected to.)

Heli Cases - Black_Betty

Summary: "Heli Cases" is a program on PBS whose aim is to educate on the rapidly increasing occurrence of genetic mutation in the general populous by breaking the complex science down into palatable, easy to digest pieces.

It is also the only thing that helps Erik get his fussy daughter to fall asleep.

(Featuring Dadneto, baby Lorna and the struggles of single fatherhood, and Charles as the host of a late night show about genetics.)

Bound - FuryRed

Summary: Is there anything worse than someone else’s wedding? Well, perhaps your sister’s wedding- where the groom just has to invite his boss and that man just happens to be your ex-boyfriend; a person you had an extremely passionate and tumultuous relationship with that ended badly.

Charles hadn’t seen Erik for a year by the time Raven had told him about the wedding. He wasn’t looking forward to the occasion, particularly when Raven explained that they would be celebrating the event with a two-week extravaganza at a luxury hotel, meaning that Charles would be forced to spend a whole fortnight with the man who he’d given everything to; the man who had ultimately broken his heart…

An Exercise in Frustration – ikeracity

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr's latest critically-acclaimed film Shame features a full-frontal nudity scene. His long-suffering husband Charles is really very peeved about it.

Eyes on Fire - Black_Betty

Summary: Every once in a while, fashion tycoon Emma Frost invites her favourite male models over to entertain her. And by "entertain", I mean she makes them have kinky consensual sex in front of her....Emma never touches herself when she watches, but she always has a glass of wine with her. Emma likes it best when they eventually forget that she's watching.

Charles and Erik meet each other through Emma...

(I've taken some liberties with the prompt, but all the sex is still there, and it's wholly consensual...and gradually, becomes more than just sex...)

Order Up - ikeracity

Summary: Charles has a terrible habit of multitasking, and that is probably why he absentmindedly tells the pizza man that he loves him when hanging up.

Then the pizza man says it back. And Charles is pretty much smitten from there.

Some Assembly Required - manic_intent

Summary: "Alex and Hank were two teenagers who frequently fight in school. One fight got so bad that the principal called in their fathers (as both came from single-parent families)/ guardians for a conference. This was how Charles and Erik meet."

Limited Release - rageprufrock

Summary: When Alex Summers broke out of supermax to rescue his stupid kid brother, he had no idea it was going to be so fucking complicated.

Math Reasons – pearl_o, pocky_slash

Summary: "Mom says Erik always knows what he wants, it just sometimes takes him a little while to actually realize it," Ruth said.

Charles fell in love with Erik the first night they met, the first week of freshman year. Two years of friendship, adventures, arguments, hijinks, secrets, and summer visits later, Erik is starting to catch up.

It’s kind of our whole thing – pearl_o, pocky_slash

Summary: After two years of best friendship, Charles and Erik thought they knew everything there was to know about each other. They're surprised, then, when their first summer as a couple reveals that they have a lot to learn about each other and themselves.

PART 2 of Math Reasons

A Nice Boy (The Family Matters Edition) – pocky_slash

Summary: Erik's not sure whether the problem is that he doesn't want his parents to meet Charles or that he doesn't want Charles to meet his parents. Either way, he never invites Charles to brunch. Why should he? It's not like they're dating.

apple season – pocky_slash

Summary: "You know," Charles says while they're sitting around the kitchen table reading the paper, "You should take Anya apple picking."

"Don't you mean 'we?'" Erik responds. The silence that follows is enough to make him re-examine his own apple picking memories a little more closely. Uneven ground littered with apples, tree roots, holes, and narrow passage between rows of orchard trees. "Oh," he says.

rooms/shares – pocky_slash

Summary: Erik is single, working a cube job he hates, letting his master's degree in mutant studies collect dust, and living on his best friend's couch. When she kicks him out, he's forced to trawl Craigslist for the least-offensive rooming option within his meagre budget. He never expects a response from the persnickety, high maintenance ad he replies to as a joke, but it's possible this too-nice apartment and mysteriously absent roommate might be the answer to all four of his problems.

Continue firm and constant – aesc

Summary: Moira hasn't seen her old partner in saving the world from threats human and intergalactic, Erik Lehnsherr, for a few years. When she finally does see him again, she finds a man different from the one who's been with her down in the dark and the dirt and the blood... or maybe he isn't so different after all.

Tough little baby telepath – aesc, pearl_o

Five Part Series

Summary: Teenage telepath Charles Xavier takes a job as a consultant, working with prickly police detective Erik Lehnsherr. Charles is used to being on his own and taking care of himself; he has no reason to think that his relationship with this stern, icy man is going to change any of that.

Frosted hearts – aesc, palalife

Summary: Emma Frost has 99 problems, but a date ain't one. Specifically, she has no time to play the dating game--which is fine with her, because she'd much rather run it instead. From a set of sleek, silver and white offices on Fifth Avenue and with her trusty, stylish, and silent partner Janos Quested, Emma has built Frosted Hearts into New York City's premiere dating service, built on the principle that money, and a sufficiently rigorous psionic scan, can, in fact, buy you love.

Somewhere in Frosted Hearts's server is one Charles Xavier, genius and geneticist, with the kind of nicely-starched good looks that sell well on brochures for New England prep schools. He's also a telepath who's decided to give up pursuing serious relationships and instead spend his thirties doing what he should have done as a teenager: have a lot of sex with random people. Fortunately for him, Erik Lehnsherr, metallokinetic and engineering executive, has absolutely no time in his heart or his schedule for anything more serious than... well, absolutely nothing romantic at all.

Mercy of the Fallen (the AirDrop Security Update 2.0) – pocky_slash

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr feels defined by his past sins and after years of acting against his own moral compass, he's finally struck out on his own. He's his own boss now, and determined to work hard to help the mutant community and make up for years of doing someone else's dirty work.

Complicating this is Charles Xavier, mutant advocate, genetics professor, unfairly attractive telepath, and owner of the coffee shop below Erik's office. Erik may not think he deserves to be a part of the community he's thrown himself into helping, but Charles has other ideas on the matter, and he's determined to do everything in his power to make Erik see himself as a force for good.

you follow and i’ll lead – pearl_o, pocky_slash

Summary: When Charles discovers how frustrated and self-conscious his best friend Erik is about his ignorance about sex, he's eager to volunteer to help teach him and practice. Charles might not have any more direct experience than Erik, but he does have a telepath's mind full of accidentally picked-up fantasies and memories, as well as knowledge of a few dirty books - and more importantly, he's been madly in love with Erik for years. This seems like a brilliant, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that he can't pass up.

Now he just needs to manage to keep his feelings in check, and not ruin their friendship forever.

Snail Mail – pocky_slash

Summary: Alex isn't thrilled when his boss, Erik, starts sending him to hand deliver notes to Erik's husband up at the university--that is, until he sees the Professor's hot new TA, and suddenly, the notes can't come fast enough. If only Alex could work up the guts to ask him out....

this is life (and everything’s all right) – pocky_slash

Summary: Edie Lehnsherr came into Charles' life long before he ever heard Erik Lehnsherr's name, and her death left a gaping hole in the lives of everyone in Charles' family. As the first Purim without her approaches, he begins to get creative in his efforts to bring everyone out of their grief. Kitchen creativity, however, is not quite his strength....

Watching the Detectives – Clocks

Summary: Detectives Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr are good friends and colleagues. However, when they go undercover at a Christmas party to nab a prime suspect, Erik keeps reminding himself to stay professional and ignore feelings of unexpected jealousy.

Student/Teacher Relations – PoorMedea

Summary: As a TA, Charles knows he can't get involved in all his students' lives. He needs to keep professional boundaries, to make sure that he's an authority figure. But when he accidentally finds out how complicated Erik Lehnsherr's home life is, he suddenly finds that distance hard to maintain.

Fill for the prompt: Erik is the teen dad of adorable baby!Lorna. I just want teen!Erik being a dad, with adorable interactions between him and his baby. Angst is good too since there's always going to be some in such situations, but mainly I want to see teen dad Erik being an awesome dad who loves the hell out of his daughter despite whatever else may be going on.

Conspiracy of Kisses – Alaceron

Summary: Seven-year-old Erik needs to keep his telepathic best friend Charles from finding out that he wants to kiss him. But that's okay, because he has a plan - he'll put on a tinfoil hat.

Favorite Mistake – endingthemes

Summary: Charles Xavier doesn’t think anything of it when he sneaks out without even saying goodbye to his latest one-night stand. What he doesn’t expect is to walk into his new position in the Xavier Industries marketing department and find that his latest hook-up is now his new boss.

Never Take Biology for Granite – ikeracity, pangea

Summary: Charles is an internet celebrity who garners his fame from posting educational, in-depth videos about a different animal every week, though for some reason his viewers are always more interested in his sex life with his geologist husband, Erik, who happens to frown heavily upon all living things.

Except for Charles, of course, whom he's missed these past couple days while attending a geologic convention--though considering the subject material of Charles' newest video, he's wishing he would've stayed away longer.

This Is Not Comedy – baehj2915

Summary: Written for amarriageoftrueminds' prompt for a Cherik version of Louis CK's tangent about the fuckability of Ewan McGregor.

Naturally the similarities end there. I made this about Erik's full on public lust-filled gay revelation, and the chaos that spirals from there.

Snowed In – dedkake

Summary: Charles and Erik have a one night stand, but a blizzard traps them in Erik's apartment afterward.

[alexandermanes]

halloween week, day one - distortion

i decided to start with a mild one. malex goes on a date to a halloween and alex, alex almost (like his sanity was hanging by a thread) has a panic attack

i did some research about ptsd and hallucinations but i’m by no means an expert, i wrote this for entertainment purposes only

tw: mentions of ptsd, mentions of panic attacks, hallucination

ao3

It was supposed to be a tacky Halloween fair with very cheesy attractions, your average American experience when the calendar proclaimed October 31st. A questionable decision for a first date, nevertheless, there they were, walking amongst children and their parents, groups of teenagers and horror aficionados with equally questionable choices of snacks. Alex and Michael strolled side by side a little awkwardly if you must, background sounds of laughter and screaming permeated the air alongside the smell of grease and sugar. It was a fair after all.

“So, what’s next?”, Michael queried, hands in his pockets, a bit tense

Most people might find odd going on a Halloween fair with your high-school sweetheart and love your life, your “it’s complicated” previous relationship, your “ex-something” as a first date. Though most people haven’t met Alex and Michael. Their relationship was tumultuous for a decade, one of them an alien, and the other’s family… well, let’s not go there tonight. Most people didn’t know about Alex’s love for horror and the look of pure delight on his face experiencing anything related to the genre: movies, books, art; you name it. And most people weren’t aware of Michael’s adoration for his delighted face. Well, the number of oblivious kept decreasing the longer they were at that fair because Michael couldn’t help but stare at Alex with that glimmer of love in his eyes.

“I don’t know”, Alex replied, throwing some popcorn in his mouth, “Haunted house? I mean it is a classic”, he shrugged with a smirk

“Haunted house it is”

They walked towards the decaying-looking attraction which probably would probably be anything but scary bathed in the daylight but since it was close to eight o’clock in the evening it looked mildly intimidating. Standing in the queue with few people in front of them they couldn’t help but stare at each other, the world closing on the both as nothing and no one were more important than the other.

Someone calling next startled them out of their romantic daze and in they went. Red halos illuminated the dim attraction, strew across the space, the couple roamed around the room still close to one another. They watched as the people before them were frightened by others dressed in ridiculous costumes. The “monsters” tried their best to jump-scare Alex and Michael but it only resulted in failed attempts.

Drawn by the light reflected, Alex moved, counterintuitively, to the back of the room, where the maze of mirrors was. Since the entrance door was located more or less in the middle of the room, one could either go back, where they were headed, or go forward and climb up the deceivingly creaky stairs. Alex’s fascination seemed to have made the decision for them.

Once they were close enough, Michael started to feel a bit dizzy, everywhere he looked he found himself, his reflection either closer or farther, more to the left or more to the right. It was so fucking confusing. Meanwhile, Alex seemed to have moved even closer, wide-eyed and transfixed by his own reflection. Something felt off, Michael realized.

“Do you think”, Alex spoke, his voice barely intelligible in the sea of mechanical creepy noises, murmurs and shouts, “Do you think the image is distorted?”

Michael gazed over his own reflection and identified nothing but something resembling it, despite the overall gloom. “I don’t think so”, he replied and he watched as the airman’s breath hitched, he couldn’t hear it but from the way his expression was one of horror, mouth opened and eyes wide and glassy. He looked terrified by his own image in the mirror. Michael wanted so desperately to make it better, whatever it was, to get out of that place and hold him. Yet, Alex was quicker, he took Michael by the hand and against his better judgement they trailed their way towards the stairs. As they were almost there, one of the people in costume tried to jump-scare them and saw Alex flinch violently and tighten his grip on Michael’s hand.

The cowboy decided that enough was enough and he wasn’t about to let Alex willingly drive himself to a panic attack, judging by how tense he seemed they approached the mirrors. He tugged Alex’s hand to the exit on the other side of room and was met with some resistance that quickly faded, and hasten them out of the attraction. Once he declared them far enough he turned to Alex and queried, despite the rapid beating of his heart, as calmly as he could:

“Okay, what the hell just happened?”

Alex opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, visibly distressed and Michael suddenly felt the urge to take it back guilt snaking viciously up his spine, threatening to suffocate him.  After a beat Alex finally spoke:

“I get- Sometimes, I see things that aren’t there”, he inhaled sharply, scratching the back of his head, “The psychiatrist says PTSD sometimes can cause hallucinations which I normally don’t have”, he pointed out sounding a bit more like himself, “I don’t know what triggers them but I most definitely just had one. They start small but there’s no way for me to know if they’ll escalate or not”

“Wait”, Michael interrupted him, “So you’re telling me that you had a hallucination and were going to literally drive yourself to a panic attack, for what reason exactly?”, his tone was a sharp and perhaps a bit cruel, but he really couldn’t wrap his head around the airman’s logic

“I figured if I could distract myself, pretend it didn’t happen, maybe it didn’t”, Alex shrugged dejectedly

“Because that works so well”

Alex smiled at that and it tasted like victory since he was on the brink of tears

“Can I hug you?”, Michael blurted out and Alex nodded

He slowly approached the other man then draped his arms over Alex’s shoulder and brought him closer attempting to make him feel as comforted as possible.

“If you ever feel like you can’t trust yourself or your mind you can always talk to me. I’ll be there. Always”, he hugged Alex tighter, closer

“Okay” , he snuggled closer

[euhande]

⟨ SIMAY BARLAS. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, HANDE DEMIR is actually a descendent of A R E S. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-TWO year old PRE-LAW MAJOR from ÜBERLINGEN, GERMANY has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite AMBITIOUS & ABRASIVE. 

BACKGROUND

hande’s mother is a highly accomplished aerospace engineering graduate from one of berlin’s premiere universities, having worked for various defense companies as a missile specialist since graduating with her master’s degree. she may basically be a rocket scientist, but it’s not rocket science to figure out why ares was attracted to her 😉

they began a tumultuous, on-and-off again relationship that would last for 5 years, and it was only when hande was born that ares dropped the bomb on her mother that monsters were going to try and eat their baby, so she better buckle the fuck up and get ready to raise a demigod

that was the essentially the ending of their relationship — ares became an absent father the way most greek gods are, intermittently sending birthday cards every few years but often getting the dates wrong. she can count on one hand the amount of times she’s met him in-person outside of being a baby, while her mother has been a constant (if sometimes suffocating) presence in her life. she wouldn’t say much about hande’s father when prompted by baby hande, just that he was an asshole and didn’t deserve to meet her, which, fair

from the time she entered kindergarten, it was obvious that she was highly intelligent but had, to put it mildly, explosive behavior problems that would routinely disrupt class time. students were constantly picking fights with her for reasons beyond the teachers’ comprehension, often times materializing from thin air or being an extreme overreaction for typical kid teasing and shenanigans.

schools didn’t know what to do with her. they tried claiming she had emotional problems, they tried moving classrooms, moving schools, and nothing worked. it wasn’t until she was eleven that she was found by a satyr and encouraged into joining a demigod camp over the summer, so that she would be able to control what was undoubtedly emerging odikinesis

that same year, her mother found a higher-paying work opportunity and relocated them to a small city near the swiss border called überlingen, which is home to a prominent defense company that manufactures, you guessed it, missiles. it was a shit ton of change coming from both mortal and demigod sides at hande, and she was resentful of her mother for years for hiding such a crucial fact from her... nevertheless, she was grateful she had a chance to start fresh in a new place and was able to explore the demigod side of herself at the demigod camp in athens   

it was pretty obvious she was a child of ares, but she wasn’t claimed until she punched a boy in the teeth for harassing her and knocked out a couple of his teeth. iconic queen.

an elite german boarding school nearby was where she attended mortal school, admitted fully on her merits (the discipline record was conveniently covered up by the mist), but it’s not like she could magically wish away her powers and function as a normal mortal in school. she had a shaky control of her odikinesis up until she was a teenager, and would often provoke other people in her grade, both accidentally and on purpose. she gained a reputation among her school as one of the more... well-known residents, and while she graduated without getting into a fist fight (on school grounds, that is), she also graduated with no friends.

eonia university was the logical place for her to attend college, elite and rigorous enough to satiate her ego while still being a haven for demigods, and she’s currently majoring in pre-law with the intent to go to law school and become a lawyer!

PERSONALITY

she’s an acquired taste for sure

someone’s first impression of hande is typically negative 95% of the time, and she’s not even remotely insulted by that. she knows she’s brash, she knows she’s outspoken, she knows she can be mean, and she’s unapologetic about it because why should she have to adapt her personality to be palatable to people who are probably weaker and stupider than her??? (her thoughts not mine)

i really have to stress she’s not a dick just because she likes to be a dick to people... like she’s not gonna go to up to anyone’s muses and start bullying them in person for NO REASON.... she is an ADULT WOMAN.... but you provoke her, and there will be a reason

she’s extremely passionate about causes she believes in and sees her opinions about everything from food to weather to politics as the complete truth, so what she might see as playful banter when someone holds a different opinion actually comes across as extremely rude and bitchy to the person getting brutally attacked by her unwarranted point of view. but when she’s actually trying to argue with you, you’ll know

she’s kind of unique for a daughter of ares in that she really doesn’t engage in much physical violence since she entered college, preferring instead to start what could be considered “warfare” over the internet and academically with similarly high achieving peers. but she DOES know how to fight, she just would rather die than have another child of ares intervention by the demigod authorities ASDKSKDFSDMF

so ambitious and academically competitive. it’ll cause her to have an aneurysm at age 22 at the rate she’s going. you didn’t hear it from me but she isn’t ABOVE sabotage if someone tries stealing her #1 spot... tonya harding anyone?? hande is definitely someone who would sacrifice you to a monster or shove you into the lake if it meant she looked better in the end... so that’s something she probably needs to work on

BUT with all that being said, if you aren’t being beaten down by her insane argumentative skills, and hande actually takes a genuine liking to you, you’ll find that she’s... a pretty normal person for the most part. she’s pretty witty, fiercely loyal to the few friends she does have, super smart, and generally pretty enjoyable company. very generous with her money (loves paying for her friends’ food) and cares deeply about everything she argues so intensely about. a lot of people never give her enough of a chance to get to know her (and understandably so), but if you did you really wouldn’t find the image of a shallow bitch that’s often projected onto her

there’s this facebook meme that goes “Need to find new haters... my old ones starting to like me 😂” and that’s it that’s her entire life

if you want to know more just read her app!!

MISCELLANEOUS 

fluent in german, greek, english, and turkish (in order of how often she uses them, though greek is arguably used more than german at this point, she’d just rather die than admit it) 

she starts twitter wars and trolls people online in all 4 languages. it’s her primary pastime and she’s been permanently suspended from twitter a whopping 4 times, but every time she just re-spawns and comes back stronger. absolutely notorious for saying out of pocket shit what she thinks about any given european country and the people who live there and getting ganged up on by said people SASDSDASD her favorite people to cyberbully are british people and french people... rip 

captain of the debate team, and part of model un and mock trial. her ruthless captaincy of the debate team has caused multiple freshman interested in joining to flee in tears, but eonia routinely kicks ass in debate in tournaments across greece and europe as a whole, so it’s not all bad. she is unbelievably skilled in debate and honestly pretty friendly to the people who actually manage to stick around on the team

kicked out of the feminist club for being overtly confrontational... if your muse is in the feminist alliance, hmu for plots 

when she started attending athens’ demigod camp, it got in the way of her going to istanbul with her mother every summer to visit family. she's only started routinely going again since attending university, so most of her time is spent between istanbul and athens and hasn’t been back to germany in a hot second

i just feel like she has the type of energy to own a chihuahua and carry it around in her purse. no allowed pets at eonia but STILL.... that’s the vibe lads

her sexuality is ambiguous and she likes to keep it that way because it’s no one’s business but any and all romantic plots are open to all genders :~)

aside from her odikinesis, she’s able to put minor curses on weapons and will usually do so to make somebody else look like a fool during training

[vannahfanfics]

Rainshowers

Category: Romantic Fluff

Fandom: Naruto

Characters: Sakura Haruno, Shikamaru Nara

Good day, everyone! Here’s my story for ShikaSaku Week Hanami’s Day Six prompt, “Like Air in My Lungs (I Need You).” Enjoy!

“Ino. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts?”

Sakura’s eyes were lidded as she gazed forlornly out of the café window. Her hand was curled around a cup of black tea that was long since cold, over half full of the dark brew. The rain was pounding against the glass beside her; the glass looked as if it were frosted with the pumping streams that were cascading down the smooth, clear surface like a steady waterfall. For the thousandth time that morning, she sighed deeply and looked out the corners of her eyes at her friend, lips pursed in a self-pitiful pout.

“Sakura.” The click in her tongue indicated that she was in for a chiding. She closed her blue eyes as she set down her cup of green tea with a shake of her head. “Shikamaru has been broken up with Temari for three weeks now! Why are you here moping to me when you could be making your move?” Sakura groaned loudly and slammed her forehead down onto the table, making the cups rattle and silverware jump.

“It’s too soon! Shouldn’t I wait at least a month?”

“Girl! You waited six months before he even started dating her! It’s not like they were together for a super long time; they went on three dates,” the blonde scolded her critically. Sakura groaned into the finished wood of the small café table. “Hey. Look at me, will ya?” Obediently, Sakura lifted her head to peer at her with big green eyes; Ino was leaning her cheek in her hand and smiling sympathetically. “I know how hard it is for you to reconcile with your feelings after the whole Sasuke thing petered out, but if you never take any risks, Sakura, you’re gonna live your life full of regret.” Ugh. I hate it when she’s right, the kunoichi thought with a dour pout as she sat herself up and ran a hand over her wearied face.

“I know,” she grumbled in agreement. She turned to glance out of the window once more. The wind whisked up the rain to all but throw it against the glass in furious pitter-patters. The perfect parallel to her tumultuous mood. I just… Don’t want to ruin the status quo, she continued silently as her eyes drifted halfway shut. The rain continued to pour.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sakura had bid Ino a good evening and begun the wet, rainy trek home. The rain pounding continuously on the rubbery layer of the red umbrella she was holding over her head like a shower of bullets. The dirt street was flooded with numerous, deep puddles of dirty rainwater that splashed up the sides of her bare calves with every squelching step. Sakura tilted the edge of the umbrella up for a moment to peek up at the sky; it was choked with ashy gray clouds that rolled with quiet thunder and flashes of bright white lightning deep within their bellies. No doubt, it would be a long time before the rain let up. With a small sigh, she dropped her head back down, chin striking her chest. In such dismal weather, it was nearly impossible not to brood. Her hand curled up around her heart as it clenched tightly in her chest. She had asked Ino if she had ever loved someone so deeply that it hurt, because all Sakura felt these days was a dull aching beneath her sternum- the low, throbbing pulse of insurmountable longing. It was a painfully familiar feeling, one she had lived with for several years, and sometimes she wondered if her love for Sasuke had diminished at all, if maybe she were confusing her little crush on Shikamaru with these deep feelings of hers.

Then she would see him- just like right then, as he trotted out of the door of a small convenience store with one hand in his pants pocket and the other tossing a small plastic bag of canned coffees over his shoulder. Sakura stopped in her tracks, green eyes wide as they beheld him grimacing up at the stormy heavens.

“Man, what a drag… I should’ve checked the weather forecast today. This is getting old,” he muttered. His legs were splashed up the side with mud and Sakura could clearly see dark spots littering his clothes, evident of still-drying rain spatters. Had he walked there in the pouring rain? He apparently didn’t notice her, as he hopped down the store’s steps to land with a light splash in the muddied street below and start walking in the opposite direction. Sakura flushed and dipped her umbrella down to cover her face. She didn’t want him to notice her, and yet her heart was screaming in agony, wishing dearly to be greeted. She clenched her teeth as it constricted angrily within her chest; her ears rang with the rush of blood and Shikamaru’s soft, splashing footsteps. Her eyes flickered as the toes of his boots appeared just under the rim of the umbrella, passing her left side. She could go unnoticed. She could.

But did she want to?

“Sh-shikamaru!” she cried before her mind could stop her. Water jumped around her feet in a wide, curving arc as she whirled on her heel, and she accidentally threw the umbrella up too high, cause a sudden burst of raindrops to crash down into her face. Startled, she wiped at it quickly with her sleeve before blinking the water away to see Shikamaru staring at her with widened eyes. A mortified blush blazed across her cheeks, but she had already called out to him, so she had no choice but to stand her ground. “D-do you want me to walk you home? It’s pouring… You could catch cold.” She wished more than anything that her voice came out more confident. Hinata could run circles around her.

“You live in the opposite direction, though,” he frowned and rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly. The coffee cans jingled with the movement. Sakura stared slack-jawed at him for a second. How stupid she must look! Of course it would be weird offering to walk him home when they lived on completely different sides of time.

“U-um, I’m just out for a walk. I’m not going anywhere in particular, so, it doesn’t matter to me,” she recovered lamely. His black eyes met hers for a moment, calculating. She wondered if he could see the nervousness blooming in her spring green depths.

“Well, you gonna bring the umbrella over here or you gonna just let me stand out in the rain?” With a squeak, she scampered over to him, hoisting the umbrella up to accommodate his tall frame. He slipped his hand back in his pocket as he turned to begin walking in step with her. Her legs were significantly shorter, so she had to set her pace almost twice as much as his to keep up. The umbrella bobbed up and down over their heads as she scuttled along beside him. “So what brings you out for a walk in this ugly weather?”

“O-oh, um, I met Ino for lunch at a café earlier, but I just wasn’t in the mood to go home yet.” At least it wasn’t a total lie.

“What, do you two get together once a week to exchange gossip or something?” he sniffed teasingly. Sakura’s face turned the color of her hair; yeah, basically, that was what they were doing. Shikamaru blinked at her stunned silence, then began chuckling. “Sounds about right. Lemme guess- Ino just had to spill that me ‘n Temari aren’t a thing anymore, right? Can’t tell her anything.” She couldn’t tell by the tone of his voice if he was actually angry that the blonde was spreading his business around or if he was just mildly amused; it was blank, void of much emotion at all, and when Sakura peeked up at him she saw that his face was pretty much the same. He stared straight onward with slightly lidded eyes. He looked deep in contemplation.

“… Did you really like her?” she asked quietly. If he was sad, she wanted to be there to comfort him, as his friend. However, part of her was terrified for him to answer that he had possessed strong feelings for the girl. That would just drive the nail into the coffin that contained her own feelings.

“No,” he answered, almost a little too easily. Sakura’s heart skipped with hope. She then flushed with shame. Why should she be happy that his relationship with Temari hadn’t worked out? That was a terrible thing! His eyes shifted to bore into hers again, making her wince slightly. Was she supposed to say something? What should she say? Sakura was just brutally honest; it was especially hard with Shikamaru to act all unperturbed.

“S-so… You’re the one who called it off?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” The question burned like fire on her tongue. Temari was smart and capable; honestly, Shikamaru would be lucky to have her. Of course, the answer could be as simple as he wasn’t feeling it. That was a perfectly reasonable answer, but doubt poked at the back of Sakura’s mind. The two had always had great chemistry, even to the point that people had assumed they were dating. It was almost certain that they would hit it off. So why…?

Shikamaru suddenly stopped, and she followed suit, looking at him in bewilderment. His hand slowly came up to wrap around hers that was holding the handle of the umbrella; blush shot up her arm to creep up her neck and face, and had Shikamaru not been gripping the handle tightly, the umbrella would be shaking from the quiver that had gripped her body. His dark eyes glittered with something that Sakura couldn’t place- amusement? Glee? Maybe a faint bit of derision? It was an intense stare that had a pleasurable shiver propagating from her head to her toes and back. She felt it, again, that suffocating constriction in her chest that made her lungs burn. The love that hurt. Electrified, she could only gawk up at him and wait for him to speak.

“Because I was just trying to kid myself out of the fact that I was already in love with somebody else.” His words were but ghosts, drifting over Sakura’s blush-stained face in feather-light wisps. She was so enraptured by them that she didn’t even react when the bag of coffee cans clattered loudly to the ground, nor when both his hands rose to gently cup her face. For some reason, only one thing and one thing only was on her mind.

“Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?”

“Every damn day.”

The seconds between his answer and what happened next were forever a blank period in her memory. Like a record skipping, she was suddenly just there, umbrella discarded and arms around his neck and lips furiously smashing against his in a desperate, heated kiss. The cool rain cascading down her skin foiled the burning sensation of lust flourishing through her insides like fire; everywhere his hands landed- her neck, her hips, her back- there bloomed fiery pleasure as her nerves short-circuited. Sakura hadn’t realized up until then how short of breath she was. As soon as his lips met hers, it felt like pure oxygen flooded her lungs, swelling them to maximum capacity. It was like he breathed life into her; she couldn’t breathe without him, she loved and needed him that much, and so she refused to part her mouth from his even as her head began to dizzy with lack of breath. When his tongue dipped into her mouth to eagerly tangle with her own, her knees buckled and she slumped against him, mind foggy as she began to slowly spin into suffocation. It felt so good. It felt like a part of her was made whole again.

She was panting hard when he forced himself away from her. Despite her gasping breaths, her face still chased his as it left, her mouth lamenting the loss of the taste of him, like bitter coffee and green tea and spices. He supported her limp frame with his sturdy arms as she slowly came down from the impossible high. She blinked as her mind came back to her. The rain had picked up considerably and they were both now dripping wet, beaded raindrops falling from their chins and elbows and seeping into their clothes to darken the fabric. Sakura laughed lightly as she swept a few of the pink strands that had plastered to her face.

“I let go of the umbrella,” she mused bashfully and looked down the street to see it rolling like a tumbleweed far down the street. She turned back to see that they had been standing in front of his house the entire time. Now I have to walk all the way home in the rain… Sakura didn’t mind it, really. With the gentle, bubbling heat pulsing through her body at the moment, she doubted the chill of the rain would be able to reach her at all. Shikamaru seemed to have other ideas, though.

“What a pity. Guess you’re not going anywhere until the rain lets up.” Her face turned beet-red at the sultry growl in his voice. She squealed in surprise as he suddenly hoisted her up, and her legs snapped closed around his hips on instinct.

“Shi-! Shika-!” she stammered uselessly. Her brain was far too fried to form coherent words. He gave her a twisted, mischievous smirk as he whirled on his heel to march up the path leading to his residence, while Sakura’s nails dug down into his shoulder in a white-knuckled grip. “Have you lost your mind?!”

“I’m quite lucid, thank you,” he purred as he kicked the garden gate latch up and opened it with a foot. He kicked it shut behind him, not seeming to care at all that it only bounced back open to begin flapping back and forth in the wind. “What, do you really wanna go on your ‘walk’ that bad?” Her face continued to flush at his teasing words. Of course she didn’t want to go on a damn walk! Mortified and shamefully excited, she leaned forward to bury her face into his shoulder as he carried her into the empty house.

It was certainly not how she expected to spend the rainy day, but boy, did she have some gossip for Ino for their next café meet-up…

Enjoy this oneshot? Feel free to peruse my Table of Contents!

Tag List: @deliathedork @searchfortheonepiece @shikasaku-week

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

I'll sit and watch your car burn With the fire that you started in me But you never came back to ask it out Go ahead and watch my heart burn With the fire that you started in me But I'll never let you back to put it out

Amy and Endeavor:

Oh boy… XD Uh… Amy… is confrontational… not quite to Bakugo’s level but still pretty confrontational.

If she doesn’t like you she’ll let you know it. And if she’s around someone she hates, she’s either colder than ice or straight-up combative, and when it comes to Endeavor, she’s combative.

Ironically, she gets along great with his son Shoto, in fact, Shoto is one of Amy’s closest and dearest friends that she loves very much, but she does NOT love his father and he doesn’t blame her because he doesn’t really love him either.

Amy and Endeavor, even before she met Shoto however, have always had a negative, tumultuous relationship. As after the heroes rescued Amy from getting burnt to the stake, Amy almost immediately distrusted Endeavor and glared at him whenever their gazes met. In fact, Endeavor was actually one of the many heroes who agreed that they should ship Amy off to the other witches in New Orleans rather than let her have a place in Japan, but it stemmed more from his own fear that Amy manifesting her powers could potentially overwhelm and surpass Shoto’s own power rather than personal dislike or concern for the young witch hindering their society.

His fears would later come to fruition when Amy and Shoto are matched against each other in the Sports Festival and Amy unleashes her power against the youngest Todoroki. Endeavor is mildly horrified by Amy’s versatility with her many powers and is enraged when he believes that Shoto was about to lose to her. Although he was relieved that Shoto regained his control over Amy’s failed Concilium, he also recognized that Shoto didn’t really win that fight using the full extent of his power and that Amy only lost due to a crutch (awakening Sentio Compassios for the first time). At the same time, when Amy’s Sentio Compassios allowed her to see all of Todoroki’s painful memories about his father abusing him and neglecting his family, her dislike for Endeavor turned into hatred.

Her hatred was so great that she nearly went along with Madison’s plan during the first internship to poison him and humiliate him, but went against it only for Todoroki’s sake and not have him be humiliated in the process as well.

Not only does Amy hate Endeavor for what he did to Shoto and his entire family, she also hates what he represents as she seems him as an example of the patriarchy that she despises due to how he treated his wife Rei, whom Amy developed a friendship with as she once visited her with Shoto. As Amy felt Rei’s memories and bonded with her, the witch’s hatred for Endeavor only increased. And she was beyond disappointed and angry that Endeavor was moved up to the Number 1 Hero status after All-Might was forced into retirement.

Later on, Amy would continue to express her dislike for Endeavor, even after she quit UA to isolate herself in her mansion. She showed little to no regard for him when she heard about his fight with the High-End Nomu even hoping that the Nomu would kill him, only to be disappointed that he didn’t die in the fight. The next time they meet is when Amy reluctantly joins an internship with Midoriya, Bakugo and Todoroki when the latter asked her if she would like to join him. Amy only joined for the sake of seeing Todoroki and Bakugo again and also to get a chance to spite Endeavor to his face.

But Amy was unaware of Endeavor’s change of heart as she believed that men like him could never change, as a result the two of them butted heads and argued repeatedly. This was not helped by the fact that Endeavor was only interested in training anyone else other than his son, and so didn’t hold much regard for her, Midoriya or Bakugo. Much like with Bakugo, Endeavor was taken aback by Amy’s rudeness and she had even less respect than he did due to her hatred for the pro-hero. Endeavor’s own dislike for the young witch shows whenever he argues with her as he admits that the only reason he’s even letting her stay is because of Shoto and because Cordelia gave him and the other pro-heroes personal threats should they do anything to harm or upset Amy. He calls her a ‘spoiled brat’ but Amy laughs and calls him an impotent man who’s not used to having a powerful woman tell him to shut up and listen, while she stands her ground and calls him ‘the worst piece of shit ever’ and tells him that she has no fear of him.

Indignant and shocked by her attitude, Endeavor does his best to not let her deliberate aggravations get to him so he could at least teach her some necessary things about hero work. Because despite everything, Endeavor was impressed by Amy’s powers and acknowledged Cordelia’s strength as he reluctantly swallowed his pride and realized that having witches as allies would be highly necessary for their society. Unfortunately, Amy makes it very difficult for Endeavor as she expressed a bored, apathetic demeanor the entire time he spoke and also frequently made childish insults and jokes at him, particularly fart jokes which pissed him off to no end. Despite that, Amy did show off some of her strength and her powers, and Endeavor reluctantly admitted to himself that Amy is the most dangerous of the four students because he heard about what she did to UA and is aware of her array of powers and versatility with her magic.

Nonetheless, Endeavor didn’t tolerate Amy’s attitude as when she challenged him to a fight, Endeavor shows her just why he’s the Number 1 hero by taking her by surprise by kicking and punching her hard enough to stun and knock her down much to the concern of Midoriya and Todoroki. He makes his point  by telling her that while she’s efficient at magic, she neglects her physical strength. Annoyed, Amy hatefully admits that he isn’t wrong, but still doesn’t hold much respect for him as the two of them continued to berate each other. Midoriya attempted to get her to stop, but Amy was still pissed off at him for everything that happened between them so she didn’t listen to him. Amy does admit to Bakugo though that she was somewhat glad that Endeavor didn’t hold back and treated her the way he would to an actual opponent and acknowledged her strength despite her being a young girl.

However, Amy notices that while she does hate Endeavor, the entire internship she had been taking out some of the lingering anger and resentment she had been holding in on him just to feel good about herself. She and Endeavor later have their last screaming match when Endeavor tells her that she’s angry because she knows that just needs a punching bag to take it out on someone she’s mad at. He then coldly remarks that while the pro-heroes did abandon her, he only cared about his goal of perfecting Shoto at the time and it had nothing to do with her in hopes that it would let Amy see that he has nothing personal against her. But this backfires as Amy menacingly threatens to kill him if he ever harms Shoto or his family ever again and a speechless Endeavor doesn’t take her threat lightly as he recalls what kind of horrors she witnessed in New Orleans and how they hardened her soul.

Amy: (calmly, with little emotion in her tone) On a day when you won’t expect it… on a day that will be your last… should you ever do anything to Shoto or anyone in your family again… I will jam my knife into your eye-socket, carve out your brains and turn your skull into an ashtray.

Endeavor: (becomes visibly unnerved as he takes her threat seriously) …

Amy then bonds with Natsuo due to their shared hatred for Endeavor, but butts heads with Fuyumi because she wanted to forgive Endeavor and put her family together and Amy laughs at her and calls her a ‘stupid girl’ for being so forgive to the same man who abused her brothers and her mother, making her cry but Amy wasn’t remorseful. Although Amy did later apologize to her, but still retained her dislike for her father. Ironically, Endeavor, despite the fact that Amy disrespected him, took a strange liking to her because of her attitude and the fact that such a small girl like Amy was brave enough to stand up to him as nobody had ever spoken to him like that before and started to see just how strong she is in terms of power and personality. Endeavor also noticed the closeness between Amy and Shoto, and decided to try and be a little bit kinder to Amy since Shoto cared about her. He would later embarrass his youngest son by remarking that she wouldn’t make a bad partner someday, much to the mortification of Shoto who angrily told him to not imply such a thing between him and his friend.

Despite Endeavor’s odd fondness for the young witch, Amy didn’t return the feelings and continued to disrespect him, only to reluctantly see and admit that he was trying to change for the sake of his family which caused Amy to angrily scream that bad people like him don’t change. In a rare moment of softness, Endeavor doesn’t shout at her, and tells her that he knows about Fiona and what she did to her, but Amy shouts her frustration about why Endeavor is making the effort to change when Fiona, someone she loved, didn’t and wouldn’t do the same for the coven. Endeavor tells her that he can’t answer her question, but instead validates her anger towards Fiona and tells her that if she wants to be angry at Fiona, then she should get stronger than she ever was.

Amy was oddly touched by his sentiment and for once thanks him, but when he smiles at her she scoffs and leaves him. And later, Amy decides to repay his sentiment by rescuing Natsuo and was visibly surprised that Endeavor really was making a change by letting his children and wife live somewhere else without him in the picture. Amy reluctantly tells him that she learned something from him, but claims that she still doesn’t like him and he just remarks that he still thinks she’s a brat. Afterwards, Amy and Endeavor are on somewhat better terms, but Amy is still disrespectful and sarcastic towards the pro-hero, and in return Endeavor still treats her like a brat, but does show actual concern for the witch not only due to Shoto’s friendship with her but due to a genuine liking for her that he doesn’t want to admit.

So there it is! XD Not very friendly… Amy keeps saying that she hates Endeavor, because she does and still insults him, but only tones it down for Todoroki’s sake and vice-versa. I liked this lol, I liked drawing this picture because it showed that Amy, a little witch, had no problem going up against the large, powerful and aggressive Endeavor. On the bright side… they’re on… kind of okay terms?

If anything, Amy and Endeavor’s relationship is very much like Arya Stark and Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane’s relationship on Game of Thrones, very much.

[randomoranges]

another one that no longer fits on the timeline. alas. if you look at it sideways, it might be able to. it could, but then it would mean that other things that aren’t mine would need to be changed. another one for the timeline that could’ve been haha. man i remember typing this one on the train on my tablet. also can you tell i was re-reading anything tremblay at the time - lol. also how many iterations of the same theme will i ever write??

Perfect Cities Too Late, Too Soon

 They were sprawled on Étienne’s couch, finishing the last of the wine he had brought.  They had gone out for dinner, because that was apparently, what they did now, and then they had returned to Étienne’s apartment for drinks.

 If someone had told Edward that this was going to be his life - that he and Étienne would be able to spend time together as friends, after twenty tumultuous years, he would have laughed in their face. But, apparently, time made the heart grow fonder or something, because, here they were, being civil and friendly and having a genuine good time.

 Or, at least, it felt like it.

 Edward hadn't been supposed to come to Montreal. But a layover in the city had made him take the overnight trip to see his old friend on his way to business in the east. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was trying to accomplish, but it had been years since they had really spent time together.

 To be honest, he missed Étienne something fierce, but he had come to realize, and agree, that they weren't good for each other and better off apart. It didn't mean that it didn't hurt him and make him miss his friend. Étienne wasn’t all bad, or at least, it’s what he told himself, but the way things had ended, and the fallout after that, had sometimes left him wondering what it was he had seen in the other man in the first place.

 Edward had almost bolted away the moment he had knocked on Étienne’s door, but just as he had reached the last step, Étienne had stepped out, looking surprised and confused. They had stood there for a few long, agonising seconds, before a smile – a real one – had broken on Étienne’s face and Edward had found himself with an armful of laughing Étienne.

 He hadn’t changed.

 He hadn’t changed and he had missed this. Missed Étienne. Missed the easy part of being around Étienne.

 Before he had the chance to say anything, Étienne had dragged him in, telling him to get comfy while he changed into something and then they were out, Étienne prattling on about this new restaurant that had just opened and that he was dying to try. Étienne laughing and talking a mile a minute, switching between English and rapid French he had a hard time keeping up with.

 Edward had followed him, as he often had, because it was always easier that way.

 Of course, since this was their new life now, they had started reminiscing about "the good ol’ days" and as much as Edward had feared this very conversation, Étienne had made it incredibly easy. The stories that came out from the conversation were silly and it shed a positive, nostalgic vibe to the two decades they had spent together.

 If anything, it made him remember the good times. Because, they hadn't been all bad. He had genuinely cared for Étienne and there had been some good moments spent together.

 Since his plane didn’t leave until the following morning, they had returned to Étienne’s apartment to continue their conversation and that’s when Étienne took out the craft beer, assorted liquor bottles, and the wine bottle Edward had hastily purchased at the airport. Edward had fixed himself a drink, Étienne had gone for the beer.

 It was a while longer before Edward passed the bottle back to Étienne, who took a generous swig, wiped his mouth, and looked up at him with that same intense look he had seen on Étienne’s face so many times before. Edward felt a pang of longing but did nothing. This is what he had feared. He had been afraid that they would get to the point where the nostalgia would turn heavy with missed opportunities.

 “You wanna laugh,” Étienne started, his voice thick and low. Edward leaned closer, drawn by Étienne as he always had, like a moth to a flame – dangerous yet so very alluring. He waited for him to continue, wondering what his friend had recalled.

 “My brother made an interesting remark when I told him you were visiting.”

 “Oh?” Edward replied carefully. He knew the two of them weren't close – or hadn't been as close and he was curious as to what Samuel could have possibly told him. And somehow, he figured Étienne meant Samuel and not Jacques.

 “He said I should've done something with you when I had a chance. That I took you for granted.” His words were a little slurred. Edward looked away from him and studied the numerous bottles of beer they had consumed earlier. He didn't exactly feel drunk, but then again Étienne had done most of the drinking. He knew that Étienne could get "emotional" when he had one too many, but it had been such a long time and he wanted to see where this was going.

 “You know I loved you, right?” Étienne added, quiet, after a pause. Edward didn't want to be affected by the words, and yet he stilled, his blood running cold, his heart stopping and then beating frantically in his ribcage. 

 He wasn't supposed to feel this way. He and Étienne were over. Done. He was in a stable relationship with Calvin. He was happy with Calvin. Étienne wasn’t allowed to do this to him, so many years later, when the pages had been turned and the book shut for good.

  And yet....

 And yet.

 He let out a heavy, shaky breath and looked at Étienne. Really looked. His green eyes were the same. Guarded, but for a moment he saw a flicker of something - regret, longing. He wasn't sure. He wondered if he wasn’t reading into the look, but he wanted to be sure.

 And then he laughed and Edward laughed as well. The moment was gone.

 “Asshole,” he muttered.

 “What about my asshole? D’you miss it?” Étienne waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Edward punched his arm lightly.

 “Oh my god, you're ridiculous.” Edward shook his head, mildly amused, but then glanced back at Étienne. “Why didn't you ever say anything? It might have made things different.” Étienne looked away, his earlier grin gone and Edward still found himself wanting to erase the expression from his face. He wanted to lean down and run his hands through those luscious, brown, curly locks he missed. He knew he could kiss the sad away from Étienne’s face - had done it countless times, would probably do it again if asked, but times were different now.

 “I thought you knew. I thought I didn't have to tell you. You never said anything. Figured it was fine. That actions spoke louder than words. Or something. Guess I was wrong, huh?” He gave him a sad little smile and Edward couldn't help himself. He reached out for his hand and gave it a long squeeze. Étienne held back and twined their fingers together. Moments passed, maybe even a lifetime, where they stayed that way, holding hands and imagining a life where they would still be together. A life where Étienne had been brave and Edward hadn’t put his foot down one last time. For a moment, there were no past arguments, broken promises, or shattered hearts. For one blissful heartbeat, it was them, again.

 “It would have been nice to hear the words, Étienne. To know that it wasn't all in my head. That I meant something to you other than the quick fuck I sometimes felt I was.” Edward said softly, looking at the floor and pulling his hand away. 

 “You were always more than that. God, I loved you. I wasn't supposed to, but I did. You grew on me.  You weren’t supposed to. You saw another side of me. You... you treated me like a friend – like I still had worth... And I fell for you. Hard.”

 They were quiet, for how long Edward didn't know, but he didn't dare break the silence, in case Étienne had more to say. He had waited years, literal decades to get something like this from Étienne, and now that he was with Calvin, Étienne had decided to speak. Of course.

 “You know this doesn't change anything, right? You know I can't just drop everything to give you another chance.” The again went unsaid, but was heavily implied. Étienne smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. His protective walls were back up and Edward wondered if there would ever be someone who would manage to bring them down for good.

 “Of course I know. I may be many things but I'm not heartless. You're.... You're happy. With him. A blind man could see that. I just wanted to tell you, I guess. That I loved you. That maybe I still do. Because apparently that's how I work. When I fall, I fall big time. All or nothing. I'm sorry, I guess, that I didn't say anything earlier, but what's done is done, eh?”

 Edward nodded, not saying anything, afraid that if he did, he would say something stupid. For so long he had wondered. He had wondered if Étienne had loved him and then he had come to doubt his own feelings for him.

 Had he loved Étienne out of convenience? Because he had been the first to welcome him back and who had been "like him"? Had he loved Étienne because he had extended a friendly hand at him when no one else had? Had another been there, instead of Étienne, would he have fallen for him? Was he the desperate one, or had it been Étienne? He sometimes still wondered and it plunged his heart in nebulous doubt.

 Would he do it all over again, knowing what would happen, if the chance presented itself?

 He hated to admit it, but he would.

 He would do everything the same way. Again.

 He knew he loved Calvin and that Calvin loved him back, and during these moments, when Étienne left him grasping at straws, he knew he had to clutch tightly to the knowledge that he had something good and that he deserved to be happy, regardless of what it was Étienne decided. It was the only way.

 FIN 20

 Started typing: May 13th 2016, 7:32pm

Finished typing: May 13th 2016, 8:10pm

[carriagelamp]

November Book Review - Freedom at last!

In a lot of ways I had more time to read this past month -- or at least more time to read without feeling guilty -- so I had a lot of fun with the various books I read this month. In particular, I really enjoyed the Canadian lit I was able to dig up; I never really gave enough attention to the writing my own country was producing and honestly we’re rocking this!

A Royal Guide To Monster Slaying

The novel I just finished, and the first Canadian novel I’ll mention here. This was an adorable take on fantasy monster slaying! This is a world were the various tribes of the land historically united under the leadership of a single clan, Clan Dacre, who were famous monster slayers. In exchange for leadership of the kingdom, Clan Dacre guaranteed that they would always have trained monster slayers available to protect to people, lead by the second born child of the royal family. The problem for Rowan though is that she is the eldest twin and destined to be queen while her brother becomes the royal slayer... despite the fact that they’re both better suited for the other role.

What really sets this book apart for me, was the compassionate approach the “slayers” had towards the monsters -- they were much more like monster conservationists who focused on learning about monsters, and trying to relocate or rehabilitate them so that the monsters could return to their rightful home rather than terrorize villages and have to be put down. They use a very scientific lens to view this high fantasy setting and it’s delightfully refreshing!

Of Fire And Stars

Also a fantasy medieval setting, though not Canadian this time. Instead, very queer! Princess Dennaleia has known since she was a child that while her older sister ruled their own kingdom, she was to be betrothed to the crown prince of the neighbouring kingdom. She has prepared for this her entire life. However now that she’s there, things keep going wrong - everything from her dangerous and illegal magic that she must keep hidden, to a sudden murder, to the complicated relationship she’s developing with the prince’s unruly and wild sister. While this book isn’t necessarily bringing anything particularly new to the table, it’s fun to see familiar beats and tropes done with a sapphic twist.

Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me

An absolutely stunning graphic novel about the tumultuous relationship between two girls, Freddy and Laura, as well as the complications that relationship brings to the other relationships in Freddy’s life. This isn’t necessarily a “feel-good” story, but it is an incredibly cathartic one. The message, symbolism, and art is all stunning and I would definitely recommend it.

Underground To Canada

Swinging back towards some of the Can Lit I’ve read this month! This is a classic Canadian children’s novel, I remember being completely blown away by it when I read it as a class study in elementary school. It’s about two young slave girls forced to work on a Southern cotton plantation, and their eventual escape and desperate flee via The Underground Railroad towards Canada and the promise of freedom. I know that there’s definitely controversy surrounding this book, especially in the depiction of the underground railroad and the glorification of it -- as a white person in Canada I’m not really best suited to have an opinion on this, though I read some articles along side the book itself. In my experience, reading it as a child was an eye-opening introduction to the topic itself, though obviously as a children’s novel, much like previous books I reviewed (like Fatty Legs), it never goes into all the dark depths it could.

A Bear In War (and its sequel Bear on the Homefront)

A Canadian picture book I read for Remembrance Day, depicting the true story of one girl’s experience of her family living through WWI in Canada, and her father needing to go to the Europe to fight. The story is, charmingly, told through the point of view of her teddy bear, and it was heartbreaking enough to make some second graders cry.

Poppy & Sam books

Swinging back to the lighter side of Can Lit are these two absolutely adorable graphic novel / picture book hybrids. They’re simple, beautifully illustrated little adventures of the titular Poppy and Sam as they wander around their garden home and help their friends. So worth the read, whether it’s with a young early reader who would appreciate the simple speech bubbles and clear pictures, or if you’re older like me and just want something wholesome.

Jak and the Magic Nano-Beans

No longer Canadian, but still a great little graphic novel for emergent readers. Seriously this book was buckwild. Jak, a cyberpunk badass, and her robot COW12 have a wild adventure based off the classic Jack and the Beanstalk. I really don’t know where to begin or end about this, it was bizarre but the art style was very cool.

Dream Jumpers: Nightmare Escape

With all the cool, innovative, beautiful graphic novels out there, it makes you wonder how this happened. Absolute garbage. Miserable protagonist, shitty misogyny, an incredibly basic plot premise, and ugly ugly art. 0/10.

Yakari Chez Les Castors

Belgian comics can just be so damn gorgeous, and this is clearly not the exception. These Yakari comics seem to be simple stories, but the art is wonderful (I love this style) and it’s all quite charming. Again... cannot comment on the potential racism inherent in it because as carefully as I try to judge, I am white and not educated well enough in these issues. For the most part it seems harmless to me, besides for some probable pan-indianism at play, but I’m mildly distrustful of any story told about First Nations people that isn’t also written by them until I hear otherwise.

Ghosthunters and the Totally Moldy Baroness

I love Cornelia Funke as an author. This wasn’t one of her best works, but it was also for a younger audience than most of the novels I’ve read by her. For a chapter book, it was as quirky and fun as I would normally expect!

Jem and the Holograms: Infinite

Look, I know next to nothing about Jem and the Holograms, besides the little bit I picked up when the failed move reboot came out. But even then, this was just a fun romp. The art was pretty, the ladies were badasses who all had very distinct personalities, and it had lesbians. What more can I ask for in my graphic novels?

The Adventures of Reddy Fox

Last book I’ll mention, because for a while it was also the last book I saw before falling asleep. I started this back in October when things were still pretty stressful, and it was a very zen book to use as a bedtime story for myself. I remember my mom reading it to me and my brother when we were little. They very much fable-style animal tales, these ones all focusing around the rather cocky and foolish Reddy Fox, though there were tales about many of the different characters that lived in these woods. Simple, cute, classic. A lovely story to wind down with.

[missmentelle]

What is BPD and how does it manifest? What are your personal experiences with it and what are the misconceptions?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition that severely disrupts your ability to form stable and healthy attachments to others, and to form a stable and healthy sense of yourself. It usually develops for the first time in your late teens or early 20s, and it can last for the rest of your life, although many people with BPD are able to successfully control their symptoms or even achieve full remission if they seek mental health treatment. BPD can be a brutal disorder to live with, and the symptoms can seriously impact your day-to-day functioning. People with BPD may find it incredibly difficult to achieve their goals or lead a “normal” life. Unlike people with other personality disorders that affect relationships, people with BPD desperately want to have healthy relationships with other people, but their symptoms make this incredibly difficult to achieve, which is a constant source of frustration and shame for many people who have this disorder. Symptoms of BPD include:

Intense and near-irrational fear of abandonment. They live with constant fear that the people in their lives will abandon them, even if there are absolutely no signs that this is the case. They will go to extreme lengths to avoid being abandoned, even if the risk of abandonment is entirely imaginary. 

Relationships that are very intense, and very unstable. They tend to engage in a pattern called “splitting”, where they see someone as wonderful and flawless and perfect in one moment, and then see them as worthless, unreliable and untrustworthy the next. They either have you on a pedestal or they are convinced that you hate them, with very little time spent between those two extremes. 

Frequent mood swings. This is more than just the usual “up and down” of something like bipolar disorder - they swing between a wide range of emotions like shame, disgust, euphoria, despair, rage and everything in between. 

Disproportionate emotional reactions. People with BPD have more or less the “correct” emotional reaction to events in their lives, but the intensity of their emotional reaction is completely blown out of proportion. A neurotypical person might be mildly annoyed if their partner forgot to text them when they promised to. A person with BPD may lapse into full-blown rage and despair, and these intense feelings could last for hours or days. Anger is the most common emotion that they experience with added intensity, and it can even cause harmless interactions to quickly escalate. 

Reckless behaviour. People with BPD often partake in high-risk behaviour, like drug use, unprotected sex, gambling, spending sprees, or unsafe and reckless driving. They also have a tendency to self-sabotage - sometimes when things are going well in their lives, they will suddenly quit their jobs, drop out of school and break up with their partners with absolutely no warning. 

An unstable sense of their own identity. This is hard to explain to someone who doesn’t experience it, but most people have a pretty stable sense of who they are, what they value, what they want, what their goals are, etc. People who BPD do not have any stable answers for any of those things. Their sense of “self” shifts rapidly and often. They may completely change their entire image of themselves from day to day, or go through periods where they even doubt if they exist. 

Self-harm and suicidal behaviour. People with BPD frequently self-harm, and they have one of the highest suicide rates of any disorder. Their self-harm is usually triggered by a real or imagined abandonment or rejection, and it can be extremely difficult to manage. 

A general sense of emptiness. People with BPD often feel that their lives are meaningless, or that they will never be happy. They might feel like nothing matters, or that they are bad, worthless people who do not deserve to be happy. 

BPD is a very tricky disorder to cope with, especially when it comes to relationships. It is important to remember that people with BPD are not bad people, and it is not their fault that they have this disorder. Many of the behaviours they exhibit are the result of all the pain and distress that they are feeling, not because they have any malicious intent. Many of them are simply desperate to be loved, and their extreme emotions are what prevent them from achieving this in a healthy way. At the same time, though, it’s important to acknowledge that people with BPD can cause serious harm to people they form relationships with, and the pain that their friends, family members and partners feel is just as real and just as valid. People with BPD are sometimes the perpetrators of abuse (as well as the victims), and it’s naive to think that a potential partner can overcome these issues through love and patience alone. The symptoms are aggravating to deal with as a person with BPD actually experiencing them, and they can be exhausting or terrifying to deal with as the partner of a person who has BPD. A diagnosis of BPD is not an excuse to treat others badly, and people with this disorder are still responsible for recognizing when they need to seek help, or when they might need to take a break from relationships as a whole. 

I’ve had numerous experiences with BPD in my lifetime. I’ve worked with it as a mental health professional; many of the homeless kids I worked with met the criteria for BPD, and for many of them, BPD was at least contributing to their ongoing homelessness. Some had burned bridges with family members or professional organizations that could help them, due to their erratic or intense behaviour. Many had experimented broadly with drug use, reckless behaviour or casual sex, and had faced life-altering consequences - like drug dependency, criminal records or unwanted pregnancies - as a result. Many of them were caught up in very intense and very unhealthy romantic relationships, and they were unable to work on other aspects of their life (finishing school, finding housing, finding employment, etc) because all of their time and energy was devoted to their high-needs relationships. It’s hard to get someone to sit down and work on their math homework when they feel an intense need to comb through their partner’s instagram for any signs of cheating. It can be a very tricky disorder to deal with as a professional, because you are no exception to the person’s fear of abandonment or their intense relationship style - it can be more difficult to form consistent trust and rapport with BPD clients than it is with other clients, which makes treatment difficult. 

I also have a lot of hands-on experience with BPD in my personal life. I lived with a partner who had BPD for two years, although he only received his official diagnosis after we had already ceased living together. We got together as teenagers, and as far as I can tell, he developed BPD in his early 20s, around two years after we met. My ex refused all forms of mental health treatment, and living with a person who had untreated Borderline Personality Disorder was one of the most exhausting and difficult experiences of my life. He had the classic “splitting” pattern; much of the time, he had me up on a pedestal, and he would boldly tell me and other people that I was the most perfect person who ever lived, that I was the answer to all of his problems, and that he never needed anything or anyone else in the world as long as he had me. Other days, he would tell me that I never cared about him, that he would never be good enough for me, and that I secretly wanted to leave him. We had some happy days, hanging out and just being best friends who were madly in love with each other, but as his disorder really took hold, the extremes became much more common. His behaviour became reckless and erratic, and he started leaving our apartment at night to break into nearby abandoned buildings and construction site. He never developed any anger problems, but he became despondent, and started spending entire days sobbing on the couch and contemplating suicide. His goals and view of himself changed weekly - some weeks he saw himself as smart and studious, and some weeks he saw himself as being doomed to homelessness. I cared about him very, very much, but I could not live like that anymore. He was not a bad person and his situation was not his fault - although it was his responsibility to accept help, which he failed to do - but he was not good for my own mental health. No one is obligated to stay in such a tumultuous and unstable relationship, and unfortunately it reached a point where I could not do it anymore. 

Unfortunately, my current partner and I are also dealing with a situation with BPD at the moment. In this case, however, he has an ex-partner with BPD who cannot accept that their relationship is over. Every couple of weeks she calls him in the middle of the night, sometimes to declare that he is the most wonderful person she ever met and insist that they were meant to be together. Other times, she calls to tell him that he is a terrible person who never cared about her or respected her, and she informs him that she is in the middle of self-harming because of him. We both acknowledge that she is a deeply troubled individual, and neither of us have any ill will toward her. He informs her family every time she calls, and I have no issues with him picking up the phone to talk to her in the middle of the night if it means that someone can be made aware of her in-progress self-harm. Again, she is not a bad person and her issues are not of her own making. Her case happens to be particularly extreme - most people with BPD do not even approach this level of inappropriate behaviour - but I cannot deny that it is a source of distress in my life. 

There are two big misconceptions about BPD that I think should be dispelled. The first is the notion that BPD is a “female” problem. While it is true that female diagnoses of BPD outnumber male diagnoses considerably, there are probably a lot of social biases at play. A man who has intense relationships in his early 20s and copes by doing drugs, sleeping around and driving fast is seen as “normal”, or “just blowing off steam”. A woman who behaves the same way is considered mentally ill. Men who present with characteristic symptoms of BPD may instead receive a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, depression or anxiety, due to the notion that BPD is only a female problem. Women who have symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, depression or anxiety may be diagnosed with BPD. People tend to see what they expect to see, and many clinicians expect to see lots of women with BPD. 

The other misconception I want to dispel is that idea that BPD never gets better. It is the most treatable of the personality disorders, and most people with the condition see at least some improvement after their mid- to late twenties. Therapy and medication can help treat the symptoms to make life and relationships more manageable, and people with BPD who receive proper treatment can even achieve full remission of their disorder. This is a difficult disorder, but it is not a life sentence, and it should never be assumed that people who have this disorder are going to be this way forever. Hope and treatment are out there. 

Hope this answers your question! 

[ohstardust]

Salted Wound

Title: Salted Wound by Sia Pairing: Chris Evans x F Reader Warnings: Angst, sadness, it ain’t a happy one guys  AN: I started writing the dialogue for this the other week and had no idea who to write it for. It ended up being about Chris, I have no idea why and I didn’t mean for my first piece about him to be so sad but here we are.

There was a time, in the not too distant past, when she believed the rest of her life would to be played alongside his. She envisioned them both living in each other’s orbit, working their lives around one another, building their relationship further until they were so intertwined they were barely individuals. The prospect was terrifying and daunting and everything she wanted. They’d known each other for a decade, 3 years of which were spent in a relationship together, and the rest had been a blur of friendship and pining and heartbreak and anger. A blissful, adventurous and mildly tumultuous partnership had soured two years ago, and she felt like the bottom had dropped out her world. This hadn’t been her plan, or her vision, and she resented him for everything he was. How could it have ended this way?

She’d smiled sweetly through her best friend’s wedding, congratulating them, toasting them and spouting a long speech about love and their connection and how perfect they are for each other, when all she wanted to do was scream and show everyone how cynical she really felt. It had been two years, she’d tried to date, but as much as she hated to admit it, he’d weakened her and hurt her so badly that she hated the thought of really dating again. And the moment Chris walked into Sara’s wedding reception? She wanted to run for the hills. It was either that or throw a whole bottle of champagne at him, glass container and all. He clocked onto her when she stepped outside for a smoke and it wasn’t fair that he was here on one of the happiest occasions of her life, something she thought she would get to experience for herself with him. His presence was unannounced and unwelcome, and she didn’t want him to stand there and make pleasantries and try and clear the air between them like it was a glass of spilt milk. “Why would you choose her over me though?” She seethed, anger pouring out of her through her tears, “God, why would you choose anyone over me? It’s not fair! For fucks sake, it’s not fair, Chris.” “I don’t know.” She sucked in her cigarette and scowled at him, her body turned towards him ready to verbally fight, “You fucking asshole, I gave you everything, I gave you everything I possibly could and you still chose someone else.” “I was wrong, I should have chosen you. I do choose you,” Chris was quick with his apologies, always one to profusely apologise for anything he did even remotely out of sorts or character, she used to find it endearing but now it sounded pathetic and pointless and a waste of breath. “You have got to be kidding me.” The way he stepped closer to her and gently touched her arm was too much, “What? I know I shouldn’t say this but it’s true, I love you.” She yanked her arm away from him and took another drag, her head bowed as she rested her fingers on her forehead and sighed, “No you don’t, you only want me because you realised you made a mistake. You got your dick wet, realised she was far too young for you and couldn’t give you what you wanted, and realised I was more than that.” “You’re right, you are more than that. But I’ve always wanted you.” “And I always wanted you, but not anymore.” “Please don’t say that.” She was always weak for a break in his voice, this tall, built man sounding weak always made her heart clench and it was sickening how she still reacted that way, her emotions always betrayed her. “Why not? I have every right to.” “Please, no more fucking up, I’ll give you everything in return, I promise,” he begged. “You’ve promised me lots of things over the past ten years, but you shot most of them to hell when you screwed her and then left me for her, so your promises don’t mean shit.” “What can I do? I’m not above begging anymore.” “You don’t have to do anything. It won’t get you anywhere so there’s no point in trying.” He came to stand beside her once again, opening himself to her, admitting his mistakes and wanting to right his wrongs. He wasn’t stupid, he knew the worst decision he’d made was giving her up for someone he thought he wanted, but he knew the decision was wrong before he’d even made it. He still didn’t fully understand why he’d done what he’d done, he just knew he was scared of commitment and how close to marriage they felt, it was too much then, but it wasn’t now, “I’m right here - I want to fight for you.” She threw her cigarette on the floor and stomped it out furiously, before she turned to him and pointed her finger at him, her face stern and teeth clenched, “You know what? I wanted you to fight for me two years ago, I wanted you to stop me walking out of our apartment with my suitcases to tell me you were wrong and that you’d made a mistake. I wanted you to turn up at my parents’ house to beg for me to take you back. I wanted you to still call me months later trying to make up for what you did, even though you never could. I wanted you to not just give up! But you didn’t, you broke my heart, destroyed my head and my self-confidence, and you made me lose faith in love. So no, you don’t get to show up here at my best friend’s wedding, two fucking years later, to tell me how you made a mistake and that you want me back. You’re too fucking late. I miss what we had but I don’t miss you anymore. I respect myself too much now to let you back into my life. You don’t deserve me and I deserve much better than you.” She couldn’t bear to look at him any longer so she turned on her heel and started to walk away. “I don’t deserve you, I know that. I never did, maybe that’s why I let you go. But I want to make up for it, I’ll do anything you want, give you everything you could wish for. Please sweetheart.” She turned back slightly to throw him a look over her shoulder, “I can’t do this, Chris. You can’t expect me to give you another chance after what you’ve done. Just promise me one thing, if you can even keep this, treat the next girl you meet right. Don’t fuck it up. I know you have it in you to be the guy I thought you’d always be, let someone see that without hurting them. Good luck Chris, don’t let all of this Hollywood bullshit go to your head.” *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Hopefully I’ve have more Chris pieces up soon that are lighter and sweeter. If you want to be added to the tags of any futures fics, drop me a message stating which ones you want to be alerted for and I’ll add your name :)

[nostalgiaultrame]

A relative unknown at the time, Jon Hopkins emerged as an artist in his own right on his fourth full-length release with an album that broke down the significant wall dividing electronic/techno music from a mainstream audience. It feels difficult to comprehend the impression that Immunity left upon me when I first heard it back in the summer of 2013. That impact exists now as a collection of thoughts and emotions, linked to experiences from a personally tumultuous year. It became my long player of the year; not only my favourite release but the one that got the most consistent play as the months went on and winter approached. Despite dozens of other albums competing for my attention, Immunity continued to linger in the mind. I know I’m not alone in regard to that impact. Immunity is an album whose reputation precedes it, now even more so than it did during that long summer. At the time, you might’ve checked it out because a friend of a friend was singing its praises, or you’d glance over someone’s shoulder on the tube in morning rush hour to see them listening to it (my wandering eye spotted this on several occasions). Or better yet, how its slow-burner status was confirmed once it bagged a Mercury Music Prize nomination and the predictable spike in sales solidified a burgeoning love for an album that already had the formations of a stone cold contemporary classic. Immunity bulldozed virtually every other album released in 2013 in its ability to straddle that revered space where artistic vision and commercial success amalgamate without even so much as a whiff of compromise. That it resonated as much as it did was mostly a surprise, not least of all to Hopkins; it appeared seemingly out of nowhere and only built on its success as time went on. I can think of perhaps no other electronic release this decade that has achieved the same success without intentionally playing to the kind of audience the label might market it to. (Grimes’ Visions has arguably a more enduring legacy than Immunity, but not even the most hardcore Claire Boucher fan can say the superb Art Angels wasn’t conceived as more accessible in response to Visions’ breakthrough success.) Compare some of the other releases of 2013 with Immunity and it’s easy to see how it stands alone as a sort of outlier, hallmarked within strict perimeters of Hopkins’ fascination with sound design, a technique he employs throughout every track that can only be described as a ‘sensory overload.’ There are most likely two caveats when it comes to finding a worthy 2013 release to compare to Immunity’s reputation. In my experience (cross-referencing to jog my memory of a specific time, place and even an album’s cultural clout in 2013), all came up short. Firstly, there are those that no doubt matched the artistry of Hopkins’ larger than life ambitions, yet quite understandably, were too obtuse to make ripples beyond the pool of those within esoteric earshot (Amygdala, R Plus Seven, Tomorrow’s Harvest). Secondly, there are those albums that felt borne of the weight of commercial expectation and succeeded, managing to deliver healthy sales, news features and, by 2018, reverence as cult albums amongst a select group of devout diehards (The Bones Of What You Believe, Random Access Memories and, most notably, Settle). All of these releases were big news in some way in 2013, the final three managing to achieve particular acclaim for crossing over genres and blurring the distinction between indie, rock, dance and synth-pop. What can we learn from Immunity by comparing it with these other albums and Hopkins’ ability to communicate beyond the usual artist/audience relationship? Was it all pure luck? Usually a couple of the hits from Settle or Random Access Memories will find their way onto most people’s Spotify playlists; a Latch here or a Get Lucky there. It might be less common for those listeners to know the albums back to front, and almost certainly not in the case of R Plus Seven. Even Immunity falls into that trap, yet there are a number of clues as to its enduring appeal and why such a relatively large audience connected with an hour-long electronic album almost devoid of vocals. Hopkins is a classically-trained pianist and his piano playing comes to the fore on numerous tracks on Immunity, the most arresting of which is Abandon Window. Technically the album’s showstopper, it takes a heartbreaking piano motif to its core and fuses it with the sound of distant erupting fireworks in its second half. It’s difficult to know what kind of emotional reaction we’re meant to take from Abandon Window, but maybe that’s the whole point? We can take what we want from an album that is more concerned with pushing the boundaries on sound content, leaving us to focus purely on our emotional response. The lack of vocals throughout the majority of the album feel in part responsible for creating this strong reaction in a large number of listeners. Devoid of that most instantaneous and human of responses to popular music, the listener is forced to have an internal reaction over an external one. We cannot sing along to Immunity; we may nod and hum or tap our feet, but its cerebral and hypnotic rhythms reflect a desire to solve one of its most common themes; the harmony that arises from the discord of its rhythmic melodies and archaic stop-start programming. Within it evolves a kind of beauty out of madness. It’s like solving a mathematical problem in our heads and slowly making sense of its garbled information overload, problems that become more familiar as we learn how to trapeze through Hopkins’ den of mystery and intrigue. Hopkins is fascinated with the pure essence of sound and how it can be manipulated. Immunity was recorded over a nine month period in his east London studio and the confident, jagged instrumentation of most of the album’s ‘upbeat’ tracks reflect not only a remarkable tactility but pure joy in the power of creation. Second track Open Eye Signal is arguably Hopkins’ most popular and enduring song. It captures perfectly the album’s technique of sustained delay and release, accruing tension ever so slowly with each passing wave of noise until it become so strong that everything building up behind it cascades forward, tumbling down in a glorious, shimmering mess of glitchy, fragmented distortion. Its melodies are distinct and minuscule, yet our brains are wired to group them together into larger blocks that click together like a Jenga tower. Working better as a motif, they function like small shards of glass reflecting light at an infinite number of angles, repeating and recurring with emphasis placed at key points to drive forth a particular mood or feeling. Hopkins manages to sew them together so intricately and so beautifully that they work just as well as modern pop music. It’s impossible to listen to Open Eye Signal (or its sister track Collider) without thinking about Hopkins’ intentions in the same way one might feel Kubrick or Scorsese lurking in their mind whilst watching Barry Lyndon or Taxi Driver; the director’s vision is so apparent that it affects every frame, even more so at intervals where a pinnacle thought or idea begins to crest. Immunity’s position as a landmark album this decade is thrown into even starker contrast when we consider its successor, Singularity. Released a few weeks ago, the weight of expectation surrounding Singularity was intense, so much so that it landed within the top ten of the official UK album charts (Immunity peaked at 63). Reaction has been strong with critical accolades aplenty (no doubt a Mercury Prize nomination will follow), yet Singularity feels like more of a shuffle than a stride forward. It’s a product of the reactionary effect of Immunity’s surprise word-of-mouth success. To be fair to Hopkins, Singularity contains many moments of awe, it’s just that they feel indebted to Immunity’s jackpot-hitting formula. As with Grimes, how could it not be? Immunity felt like it had the power to change your life, but no one’s life was changed more so by its success than Hopkins’. Even the titles have an uncanny similar...ity, along with the artwork, and the fact that the first half contains the heavier techno numbers before giving way to more ambient soundscapes. Over time we must come to view both albums as separate works and allow Singularity the distinction of its own merit. Would we be satisfied with anything less than what Hopkins has bestowed upon us? Would we be happier if Hopkins had taken an entirely left turn? Most of us have been waiting patiently for a follow-up to Immunity that captures that same lightning in a bottle, so it feels particularly unfair to criticise him for continuing its sound. His style is one that is hard to pick faults with and Hopkins has stated that Singularity actually contains many studio advancements. Whether you can spot them or even care doesn’t matter. We know that lightning never strikes twice in the same spot and if Singularity feels mildly underwhelming, it stems from the relationship I’ve built with Immunity over the years. Had Immunity never existed, Singularity could be taken of its own accord and we would be freer to make up our own minds about all the same things we did five years ago, but since it is indebted to its predecessor in style and content, we can never know what that might feel like. It will be interesting to see how time continues to shape Immunity and its reputation as a landmark electronic release. Singularity has thrown that into sharp relief this year. If we can deduce anything at this early stage, it’s that the sound Hopkins has carved out across these two albums hints at a bigger picture, something that could be blown wide apart on his next release, and that is definitely an exciting idea to mull over whilst we wait for the next chapter of his journey.