#mod is having a mental breakdown today

[donotopendeadinside]

Mod is about to depression post, so if you guys aren't comfy with any vents or rants, you can keep on scrolling. I'm having a mental breadown.

TW: Mentions of SH, SA, Suicidal tendencies and just a bunch of sad shit.

My mother will never love me. Thats just the facts of my own existence. I wake up, lay in bed, stay in my room, hide away from EVERYONE, and sometimes just ignore people because I cant find the energy to talk. My mother hates me and my older sister, we share the same dad. We're too much like my father. She lied to me for years about my dad, calling him abusive, and all of these horrible things, blaming my sister for walking out of an abusive situation all so my sister could get stable enough to bring her baby girl home.

She thrives on control. Thats all she's ever done.

When I was 15, i contemplated taking my life. I told my mother how I was feeling, it spiraled into an argument. She told me, that if I was really suicidal, she'd unlock my step-dad's gun cabinet and give me his gun so I could shoot myself with it.

I have anger issues, but I stopped taking them out on people a very long time ago. Now, if im angry, I bite my arms just hard enough not to break my skin, because its all I can do to keep myself grounded.

My mother has neglected me and my older sister in favor of the youngest. She can fake anything and get me in trouble and screams when she doesn't get her way. She's 15.

I was S.A'ed in my freshman year of highschool by someone I thought was my friend. He got ontop of me and grabbed my chest. A teacher saw it but did nothing but walk into her classroom. The boy was never suspended, nor did anything else happen to him. My ASL teacher paired me up with a boy, we had to touch hands. She was already told that I wasn't okay with doing anything like that due to what happened.

She called me a liar and told me to get over it.

A few weeks ago, i nearly slit my wrists because I thought that I wasn't worth it. That i didn't deserve anything good to happen. My mom has kicked me out twice. Once over a single plate that was in the sink.

The second time was because I refused to lie to my father. He had just lost his wife at 46 due to pancreatic cancer. I refused to lie to him about why I couldn't go to the funeral. We couldn't afford to send me as I had just gone up there a few weeks prior. My dad bought me the ticket and flew me up to Tennessee.

My fiancee. I love him with everything I have, and im so fucking terrified of loosing him. He's everything to me, but hes reckless. Thats okay. But sometimes it worries me. I just wish he'd talk to me more about how he feels, instead of just lying and saying he's okay.

I'm terrified of the one good thing I have just falling between my fingers like sand, and I have no idea how to keep myself sane when all I know how to do is fear for whatever the hell could happen, be it my mother or something else.

Im so fucking scared and I don't know how to fix it. I come on this hellsite so that I can forget shitty things, and interact with people that I find cool.

But sometimes I just wish people would want to interact with me too... sometimes I dont want to be the one to initiate it. I just want someone to talk to me.

[azumasoroshi]

going fucking insane over one of my wips because it's for a really small subgroup of a really small fandom of a really small fandom of a really big fandom that everyone fucking hates because people are cancelled like every other week and basically i cant talk about it with anyone without needing to explain like 60 pages worth of story that I wrote PLUS no one wants to talk about me because it's one of the cringiest ships in existence that sounds HORRENDOUSLY heteronormative on paper and like half the fandom calls them siblings even though they have been confirmed multiple times not to be and the other half is like oh the girl would never be in love with the guy because she's in love with the player!! as if being in love with her ideal of the player is healthy for her all and can't change or she can't fall out of love with someone whose interactions were limited to basically just looking at her, clicking through her text and DELETING HER

yeah so is about monipai as in monika from ddlc and senpai from friday fucking night funkin (i know. im sorry) im so down horrendous im on like seventeen doses of copium and counting and there's 11 total monipai works on ao3

one of them is mine and the other ones are either written by a 10 year old (because it's fucking fnf, what sane adult would write unironic fnf fanfiction) or unfinished (because fnf fics get no traction and unless you're fucking insane like me and have 60 pages of pure brainrot there is NOTHING keeping you going for such a nonexistent audience) and oh my god why am i here

the other fandoms ive been in recently are vashwood and shizaya and those are great!! those are normal!! vashwood has been getting boatloads of content that i cant stop looking at/reading and im getting fun ideas for aus and there's so many people in the community rn to interact with

and shizaya is a bit of struggle because the fandom is smaller but there's so much older content to go through/reread that it's fine and my posts about them get some traction and in some places you can actually talk to people who have been in the fandom from the beginning of time and overall it's a good fun time

AND THEN THERE'S MONIPAI. the ONE straight (bi4bi according to me and im always right) ship in fnf that no one likes because they're "sibling coded" for some god forsaken reason (and im usually all for sibling headcanons/prefer them over romantic ones but NOT THIS ONE SENPAI LITERALLY CONFESSED HIS LOVE FOR HER IN THE MOD) and it'll only make sense to people who like DDTO enough to not forget about it after playing like 19832529 other mods and even THEN like half of them ship it in the really cringe heteronormative way that dudebros ship them like GOD FUCKING HELL GET ME OUT OF HERE

ive never been madder about anything ive shipped ever. i LOVE getting comments on my fic and im surprised ive gotten any at all but holy shit

you know that one person who made like 3000 fics for their honeyworks throuple. honey i feel you cuz what the fuck is this

and with my usual ships i can send them to my friends who know what to expect and be like ok so these are the gayasses you're obsessed with this week but with this one. like the very premise is so ridiculous id be laughed out of their dms but this is literally like the most in-depth and serious ive gotten about any of my fanfiction plots ever (there's like themes and callbacks and motifs and everything, thats how you know it's bad). this is probably better written than my book drafts and it makes me SO MAD

ive even considered like. what if i just made them my ocs, since i've developed them so much and the plot is entirely my own creation. that might even be easier but the fic is so heavily based off of canon content that it just wouldntd make SENSE how am i supposed to rewrite all that canon lore when i take them out of it. i cant. im stuck tying them to ddtoverse

back to what i was originally talking about: basically i got this really nice comment on ao3 on my monipai fic and i was smiling really hard and spinning in my chair and i was inspired to try and write again so i update my. oh it's 71 pages. 71 page document to try and update chapter 3 and i end up going to my other ideas and workshopping them and suddenly ive penned down ideas for 4 DIFFERENT CLIMAXES?????????? AND THEY ALL HAVE THEIR PROS AND CONS AND THEY ALL BASICALLY LEAD TO THE SAME ENDNIG AND I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO CHOOSE AND I CANT ASK ANYONE BECAUSE IF THEY'RE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO READ IT I WANT THEM TO READ THE FIC AS IT'S BEING UPDATED BUT NO ONE'S INTERESTED ANYWAY

and trying to ask about which one i should choose while removing all incriminating details (read: monika and senpai's names) is so hard because there's SO much i have to explain as backstory and no one even responds to it anyway so there's no point :sob:

anyway i love monipai and specifically my version of monipai and it's legitmately ruining my life how's your day going

[autistichalsin]

I'm really fucking tired.

All I wanted was a space to obsess over a fictional man, who brought me a ton of healing, in peace.

This group has made it their mission to chase not only me away, but anyone associated with me. They called me a rape fetishizer for writing CNC fic. They called me a pedophile for making an omega Halsin headcanon. They called me a self-hating lesbian/lesbophobic for saying it's TERFy to demonize queer male sexuality. They mocked my abuse by my mom, and when called on it, laughed that I deserved it for saying how Mint's actions remind me of her sometimes. They accused me of retraumatizing myself because of the fic I wrote, when THEY were the ones who retraumatized me by causing me to have a flashback to my mom abusing me. They accused me of absolutely vile things, and today they questioned if I even was "really" abused because of the fic I wrote. They repeatedly mocked my special interests and then got offended and played victim when I said this was ableist. They've sent suicide bait to me and my friends.

They've harassed others: they harassed a bi SH fan for asking them to stop saying it was icky to ship her with men until she left the fandom, they harassed someone who made a mod to turn Scratch into Astarion so they could see the animations (even calling this person as bad as Cazador), they harassed someone for making a headcanon about Astarion dancing with Tav, they harassed a lesbian who herself headcanons Karlach as a lesbian and doesn't like Karlach/Dammon but explained why others do, they harassed my friend Mish for saying she was okay with me writing CNC, they sent suicide bait to another friend of mine and said she deserved to get raped so she would sympathize with Mint, causing her to have a mental breakdown and have to go to the hospital for 24 hours, and every time someone pushes back against them, this group weaponizes their identity by saying that person is bigoted against their identity- while ignoring (at best) the marginalized identities that person has, or at worst, furthering oppression against them (I.E. their repeated ableist comments, including one of them snarling at another user about "enjoying your grippy sock vacation")

And despite all these vile things this group of people have done, people are still believing them and sending more harassment to myself and my friends in their defense.

I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired of defending myself. I'm tired of losing people I considered friends to their lies. I'm tired of having my inbox invaded by these vile people.

They are wearing at my mental health and this already made me relapse on one of my addictive behaviors and I am fighting really hard not to do the other one. I'm tired. I loved this fandom and I loved contributing my ideas. I get so many messages from people saying I made them feel seen or made them connect to Halsin's character, and getting a message from a survivor that my posts gave them the words they were lacking for what happened to them and they were able to work through it in counseling was honestly one of the best things to ever happen to me. I really don't want to lose that. Ever. But I can't keep doing this.

I'm not bigoted to my own identity. I don't hurt people. I don't fetishize rape. I'm tired of being a broken record and not being believed because that group is so good at fragilizing themselves. I can't do it anymore.

I just wanted to share my thoughts about a fictional bear man because it made me happy and so many parts of him gave me courage. I wanted to give up cynicism like he did. I wanted to find his strength to take care of people.

But I am honestly very close to regretting ever joining this fandom. I have gained so much from it, it helped my mental health immensely, but this shit has put me in an even WORSE place mentally than i was before I joined.

I don't know what to do. I'm just tired of the way, no matter how much I epitomize "living your best life" I get treatment from these people that I honestly wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I have a lot of painful feelings right now and I don't know what to do anymore. It just hurts and I think everyone would be better off if I'd never made this blog to begin with.

[cowboydisaster]

So… hi yall. Wanted to do a little post to check in and explain myself. The past 24 hours I have received many anons/messages asking if I deleted my posts and ao3. Short answer… yes. Yesterday I had what can only be described as an absolute mental breakdown. I hit my breaking point and I hit it hard. So amidst a full on hyperventilating panic attack I clicked a few buttons and poof- it was all gone. I'm sorry for not responding about this until now, but I wanted to wait until I was in a better state of mind to answer your questions and make some decisions. So I will explain some more and then do a Q&A from my inbox. 

I struggle a lot with mental health as is, I have frequent ups and downs, and writing and being a part of this fandom seemed to help a lot. I genuinely loved writing and finding you all. I've made some great friends and shared some great stories. But I found myself getting too immersed in my blog and in rdr2. It was unhealthy, and the more I leaned into it the worse I started to do in other aspects of my life. It started to stress me out. And although I loved writing and posting and interacting, I started recognizing more and more that my obsession was absolutely unhealthy. 

(I also want to add that I am strictly talking about my own experiences here. This was unhealthy for me. But I'm not suggesting that it's bad for everyone)

So yesterday happened to be the unfortunate day that the straw broke the camel's back… I snapped and it's gone. But don't worry, i'm not just abandoning everything, here's some answers to FAQs from my inbox today: 

Q: Did you delete ao3? Will we be able to read your fics again?? 

A: Yes, I deleted my ao3, including all of my fics. But they are saved in my Google drive. So I'm in the process of making a new ao3 account, reposting the fics you guys want and then orphaning the account. This way you guys will still have access to all my fics, but I won't be tasked with keeping up with the account. If there is a fic of mine that you would like me to upload to the new ao3 (or multiple) just submit it into my inbox and I will add it. Any fics that are not submitted into my inbox won't be posted to the ao3. You can remain anonymous if you like. A list of my fics and their summaries is provided at the bottom of this post.

Q: Are you okay? 

A: Genuinely? No. I've been trying not to lie about my feelings as of late, which is damn hard for me. I don't like talking about these things, but bottling it up sure as shit hasn't helped either. I'm not okay, but that's normal, and it's okay to not be okay. I'll be alright, I always am. Just gotta get things straightened out. 

Q: what about tfiye??

A: Oh my sweet series. This one has been weighing on my heart. I have it planned out really far and I don't think I have the heart to abandon it. As of right now, I will keep writing it and posting it to the new ao3 (once the acc has been approved and activated by ao3). I won't be posting every week like I was, but I plan on being pretty consistent with it. 

Conclusion: submit the fics you want to keep into my inbox, watch this account in about a week i'll post a link to the ao3. Again, I'm so sorry about this, loves. This information is subject to change, everything is fluid and constantly changing but for now this is the plan. Lastly, I beg you to be kind. I'm struggling and made a decision in a moment where I wasn't capable of reasoning with myself. I do not regret what i did, but I wasn't in a good frame of mind

 So please be kind, and remember i'm human too. Love you all.

Signing off- Bea

List of fics: just the more recent ones, and not including my series which is mentioned above

[  ] Aesthete: arthur x fem!reader (Arthur has a lack of inspiration and you offer yourself as a blank canvas, [nsfw])

[  ] Sleepless nights: Dutch x fem reader (Dutch helps you warm up in Colter + jealous Arthur snippet at the end [nsfw])

[  ] Princess: Dutch x fem reader (Dutch gives you the princess treatment after a rough day, modern au [nsfw])

[  ] On watch: Arthur x fem reader (Arthur is on watch and you attempt to distract him from his shift [nsfw])

[  ] Hush: arthur x fem reader (Arthur tries to keep you quiet [nsfw])

[  ] Crimson: Arthur x fem reader (Arthur helps you when your time of the month strikes at an unfortunate hour)

*if there are fics not mentioned here that you want to see, go ahead and submit them too, the name or a description of what happened in the fic will do just fine*

[anxietywithfloof]

Warning: This is a long post that i need to make for my own mental health, so if you don't want to look at this all, then I recommend going to the tl;dr section at the end, but if you do read, thank you.

Also, no names will be put because I DON'T want anyone to be dragged into this shit either. Don't go looking for them either, as I will refuse to give names of anyone. Thank you.

I don't care if you like, share, reblog, whatever. I'm not doing this for fame or to call out anyone. I just want to rid this of myself and to move on and to forgive those that I'm potentially leaving.

With all that out of the way, let's begin:

I have an announcement.

I'm taking a break from the commewnity. For a while. Idk when I'll be back, if at all. I might still talk to a few members of the commewnity, but don't expect anymore OCs from me if i decide to leave it forever. Everyone has proven they don't like them anyway. I'm angry, had multiple breakdowns, and a counselor told me this was my best bet to have my mental health be better.

Let me tell my POV.

I want to put this to rest, never to be a problem ever again.

All from the moment this shitstorm started.

My second ever reference sheet.

It was terrible, to be frank. I didn't know how to draw a Mewtwo at ALL, as well as how to execute my ideas in a drawing format or how to make a skeleton for drawing poses and such. Hell, I deleted it off of my Tumblr AND my phone because I hated it that much later on. All I knew is that I wanted one that represented me. My anxiety, my imperfections that I see in myself, my creativity. I made it and wasn't sure of the looks. It looked weird and I wasn't sure. My boyfriends and all my friends told me they loved it, however, so I went with it, nervous as hell.

This is the start of a mistake I made.

At this point, I had a couple of friends in the commewnity and I was doing decent. At least...I thought.

I wanted to join a Mew and Mewtwo server that was VERY popular, with some amazing, incredible artists and members in it, so I asked to get in.

I never got in. Still haven't.

They said they were "weary/wary" of me, which at the time, didn't make sense and...after a while...I lost, losing a friend in the process...

This was a while ago and I no longer wish to be in. It won't happen regardless, so why should I care anymore.

But the thing is...all the mods were too. From the old and bad ref that, at THAT time, I had changed and it was a bit better.

Informed it was because of my character, I tried to fix it. And, after a couple of iterations, is how you see them today. Marla. And I probably will rework them more in the future because they're a really interesting character that I want to make lore and deep characterization for.

I deleted all the old ones and that became what she looked like. Everything good, right?

Except it wasn't.

I found out other members talked about me, never even letting me KNOW about it, all behind my back saying they were uncomfortable about me, always pulling up that same damn old ref sheet that I deleted long ago and I HATED. They started saying it was a fetish character, a kink character, an NSFW character.

Marla. Is. Not. NSFW.

She's never been one and never WILL be one. NONE of my characters are, in fact. I'm a minor! I'm 16! Why the HELL would I make a character intended to be an NSFW character and post them out in the open?! What's worse?? Even though I cleared that up, they STILL think that no matter WHAT I say AND they still are holding onto that old damned ref that I didn't have confidence for in the first place.

Then they started saying they were wary because of other things, like accounts that were recommended (to which I do NOT know why they were bad for a small amount of time. Only thing I can think of is maybe because of the controversy. Maybe I accidentally followed an account that was 18+ that didn't state they were on the front. Idk. I still don't 100% know, but I think it's been fixed), to my desperation at the time to be in the server, which I get, but you have to understand that I came from a school that bullied me relentlessly and made me feel alone 24/7, so this felt like a chance at finally being heard or seen, to even my fucking ARTSTYLE and OUTCOME, to which, I need to say this. I have no control of my artstyle. My artstyle is the result of COUNTLESS practice and finding different tutorials to borrowing techniques of my favorite shows, so I'm sorry if the artstyle makes you wary of me. I can't control my own artstyle. I'm trying to IMPROVE and make it more refined, but I can't outright get rid of my artstyle. And I ALSO hate the outcome of my art sometimes. I'm not the best at angles and that feeling of "ugh. This looks off...even though I made it" happens to ANYONE that draws as a hobby. I've deleted FAR more artworks than I've posted because it looked off or I thought it could do better. So, I'm sorry my efforts also weren't enough. I really am. Like, genuine.

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel comfortable posting ANYTHING because I'm worried mods and others in the server or in the commewnity will hate me MORE for it for even MORE misconceptions and false reasons I don't know of yet. I've felt alone. Shunned. Bitter. Felt like I wasn't good enough for a chance at redemption. I've asked multiple times if i could do anything to be even in any way I could, but nothing.

If I wanted to feel like this again, I would've stayed at my old school. It's gotten to the point it feels like bullying or gatekeeping or just outright shunning me from others because of all this.

So I'm taking a break.

To those people, I've forgiven you. I've forgiven you for all this.

If you want to talk about it and work anything out...I'll be on Tumblr... and I hope we CAN work things out. But for now, I won't be giving attention to the commewnity for a while.

I love the community and I love the creativity hosted in it, but I need to do this for my mental health. I'm sorry to everyone who considers me a friend in the commewnity and I hope this whole thing can finally be solved and this whole thing can finally pass, being able to actually talk to creators and not be shunned for honest mistakes and misconceptions.

Thank you for listening and I hope everyone's daycare be a bit brighter. Mine included.

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TL;DR, an old ref I don't like because I didn't know what I was doing with the design is being hanged over my head as well as misconceptions of my characters, especially Marla, causing me to be isolated and I need a break from it.

If you want to speak, private chat me on Tumblr or Discord. You might need to wait until after I get home from school, bit I'm willing to chat or clear things up.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

[shit-talk-turner]

First anon was definitely joking, not attacking you. It was a comparison with Taylor Swift having intense hinting and Easter eggs, not saying you are a Taylor Swift fan. Why is everyone so on edge today?! // thanks mods. First of all, since when being a swiftie is considered this offensive? lol. I guess you need to “chill”. I was just joking because TS always leaves some clues for her fans to find out. Her fans used to count the emojis in her captions to discover a release date, the next single or something like that. I guess the fandom’s on the edge of a mental breakdown due to the Paris shows and Lou being there lmao. Relax guys. It’s not the end of the world. We’ll keep living lol

Let’s all remember, we’re on the same team! Let’s relax

[always-and-forever-a-killjoy]

hahahahahahaha FUCK

[texasthegreatdestroyer]

Well. EA finally took a stance on pay walling, and creators are triggered.

It hasn’t even been a full day since this information has been released, and people are already losing their shit about it and saying some of the stupidest shit, and it’s... wow, I fuckin live for it. Someone get the popcorn, I’m down to watch mental breakdowns caused by getting kicked off pedestals.  I want to give my thoughts on some stuff, and the first thing I want to address is the whole Felixandre supposedly talking about taking EA to court, which I haven’t seen a statement directly from him saying that, but I mean, with how money hungry these exclusive assholes are, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was something that left his dumbass gullet. (That and I’m sure it’s a passing thought most exclusive creators are having right now, so I’m gonna make a statement on it under the pretense of if this was true.) So here’s a little bit of a raining on the parade for all the perma paywallers who actually wanna take this to court. News flash!!! You’re gonna lose. No, seriously. Microstar vs. Genform is the only case on mods that realistically on par with what the Sims 4 community has been dealing with on mass, and it’s a case where the IP holder won. The defendant, Microstar, took a bunch of Duke Nukem mods, burned them onto CD’s and sold them. Genform sued their ass and won, setting the legal precedent we have today stating that profiting off of mods is illegal. Now I’ll give them some benefit of the doubt, this precedent is over 20 years old and very well could be challenged, HOWEVER. If Felixandre is suppose to be the case to turn the tides, well uh... I got some bad news for ya buddy. The Duke Nukem mods that successfully got Microstar sued were actual mods that transformed the game play. They were custom made game levels. They weren’t just the kind of mods you create, that being a mere reskinning of assets. Your little kitchen set is not transformative enough to justify allowing a bunch of random people the ability to profit off someone else’s IP directly through their programming.  To keep it short and sweet for you, if legitimate gameplay altering mods weren’t considered transformative enough to win a copyright lawsuit, what makes you think your mere reskinning of assets in a game that simply only makes it look pretty is going to get a stamp of approval from copyright law? The answer is it won’t. So if you want to waste your time going after a multi-million dollar company for copyright in a lawsuit that you will objectively lose, be my guest. It would be so fucking funny watching you go bankrupt. Please, be that stupid. As for the stuff with Early Access creators. I have always supported the idea of Early Access, and the reason for this is because of the fact that it’s a happy middle ground were people can make a little bit of side cash for the work they do, and everyone still gets the content they want for free. However, EA has also done away with that. This isn’t the end of the world however, there are ways to adapt. If you’re skilled enough, consider taking it to a professional level. Get your portfolio out there, show companies what you can do, and get yourself working for legitimate game companies. Because realistically, that’s how it starts for people who do this stuff professionally. They build up a portfolio through making mini games, pushing their own projects, and mods. Creators can also, and I’ve been saying this for months now, essentially utilize a loop hole. You cannot profit off of cc it self, but you can profit off of the blender files. Sell your models to hobbyists and allow them to put your models in game. If someone likes what you do enough to put your work into the game, you will get paid for it. As stupid as it is, if people are willing to pay for blender renders, something that does not alter the game in the slightest and really just isn’t sims anymore, they will pay for models to put in the game. Additionally, @mack3030 made a good post on other things people can do to make up for the fact that Early Access has been done away with. Her Post: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/mack3030/691299466761961472?source=share It’s also important to note, that while I understand that getting a job can be a tough thing, especially for those who have a disability. (I get it. I am disabled myself, however, I unfortunately still have to take a job, even if destroys my body, because you do what ya gotta do to survive.) I understand those people are the ones who struggle the most with this, and that’s understandable, but Sims 4 cc was never made to be profitted off of. This whole thing with EA making a statement about mods and such is not anything we didn’t already know, that anti paywall people much like myself haven’t already said. If anything, EA is simply putting their foot down and saying that those rules still very much apply, and that the people who were breaking their ToS needed to shape up. From the start, this was never supposed to be profited off of at all. Even early access shouldn’t have existed. That’s not to say I don’t support it, but based on the ToS, it shouldn’t have, and Guru Drake should have known better before even speaking on it, because the community took his word as gospel, including anti paywall peeps who liked the middle ground provided, and because of that, a community got reliant on it, and now there’s a lot of confusion and understandable stress on how to deal with this, because some people’s lives have catered to this and it’s now being torn down around them. If early access had never existed, it would have sucked, yes, but it would have meant less people would be reliant on it in the first place. It means people would have a more stable way of adapting to situations like this where people are being stripped of the extra cash they needed. Now honestly, I think people should support their patreons regardless of the content, because those are people who actually need the money, as opposed to Cowbuilds and their 10,000 off of patreon alone which is likely gonna end up crashing around them, because I can tell you now, they’re likely going to be one of the first people EA comes after once reported, and I mean... Let’s be real here, would anyone be naïve to think that there aren’t people reporting her content now that it’s been made more possible to do so? The community has a chance to get rid of a well known doxxer in this community, I doubt there isn’t at least one person taking that opportunity as we speak. Hopefully creators can learn to adapt to the changes, but unfortunately that’s how it has to be, and EA is justified in doing as such, as it is their game in the first place. Over all, I’m glad EA has actually said something now, and has clarified that their stance on mods have not changed. Rather or not most of Patreon creators are going to heed their words is another thing entirely, and I’m looking forward to seeing how that’s going to end for those creators, but now this debate can finally end, and now the exclusive creators can seethe and cope. Again, they can talk about suing all they want, or leaving their community because they’re big mad, but uh. 1. Good luck with that. None of yall are gonna win, and 2. Good riddens. You won’t be missed, and half of your stuff is likely up on anti paywall sites anyways. Update: The new thing I’m seeing now is apparently Leosims and a few of her buddies are trying to loophole this shit with garbage word play that means nothing in the grand scheme of things. She’s sitting there talking about how she’s going to just sell regular meshes for conversion purposes now, which is all fine and dandy, and then turns around and says, “I’m going to make free Sims 4 conversions of those files to give to patrons.” (Not the public, patrons.) if it needs to be explained why that’s an issue, allow me to point it out. If you have to be a patron to get those conversions in the first place, then they aren’t free, and thus breaking EA’s ToS, and EA can still sue them over it. They can also deny them services and make it to where they cannot make Sims 4 content anymore. So really what it comes down to is Leosims is still going to do the same illegal shit she was doing before. And if anyone decides to leak her Sims 4 content, make sure you report her while you’re at it. She can also say that her “lawyer” said it’s fine all she wants, but these people have lied about legal interpretations in the past, going as far as to fake screenshots with EA employees to make their points seem more valid than they actually are, and additionally, I don’t think a lawyer would realistically potentially risk their reputation by telling them “If you word it this way, you can still do illegal shit.” because if theoretically this went to court, and Leo lost the case because the only basis to their argument is literal word semantics, then that would be on the lawyer. I’d like to think that most lawyers are smart enough to know that’s not a bright move.

[grimdarkacademia]

Queen’s Gambit Fashion Guide

The hype around Queen’s Gambit may be dying down, but the costumes continue to haunt me. If you too are craving the mod-yet-classic glamor of Beth Harmon, here are some quick and dirty tips for bring more Chess Queen Chic into your life.

Tip 1: Embrace neutrals and monochromes

Beth’s fashion is statement-making, but it’s rarely fussy when it comes to color. We often see her wearing the same hue in different shades, or sticking to one colorstory. Her wardrobe is predominantly blacks, browns, navys, and whites with only the rare and deliberate pops of rich color. When she does wear a print (plaid, pink checkerboard, or otherwise) the rest of her outift is compiled of neutrals that are pulled from that print, so as to create cohesion. The colors of her outfits don’t draw your eye to any one place, which results in long, sleek, elegant lines. 

Tip 2: Neat Necklines

From the earliest moments of Beth’s fashion journey, we bear witness to some pretty stellar collars. From mocknecks to pilgrims collars to pussybows, each neckline is distinct in its neatness, adding a tailored quality to even Beth’s more casual looks. Her necklines are also where we see the color contrast and pattern-- the collars are the key detail to her otherwise simple designs. 

Tip 3: Keep accessories to a minimum

Beth rarely wears accessories, preferring to let her clothes do all the talking. This gives each outfit a no-fuss, elegant appearance. Perhaps she took the word of Coco Chanel, who advised, “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.”

Tip 4: Perfect your eyeliner game

We may not all have Anya Taylor-Joy’s bone structure, but we can all embrace a good, elegant winged eye. Save for Episode 6′s mental breakdown look, Beth keeps her makeup clean and simple with a slight wing and a touch of color on her lips. Her wings get larger as the series progresses, so if you lack confidence in the eyeliner department, start small. Less is more.

If you’d rather forego makeup altogether, a pair of cateye sunglasses are a cute vintage touch!

Tip 5: Don’t think vintage, think classic. 

Beth’s looks are distinct, but the cuts and patterns of her outfits are often more “classic” than they are “vintage”-- which is good news for us, because many of the pieces Beth wears can be found in clothing stores today. Mockneck black sweaters, collared blouses, and highwaisted skirts are all key parts of Beth’s wardrobe, and they’re all pieces you can find easily. The elegance of these cuts never go out of style, so if you do invest in some new clothing items you can rest assured knowing these pieces will be in fashion for decades to come.

[dangan-ronpa-cafe]

Hello Mod Himiko. May I order a black tea with cream and sugar stress comfort headcanons for Kiyotaka, Nagito, and Makoto with a female s/o?

Hi there, Starsaver. Of course, you can! Taka might be ooc since I haven’t written for him. Also, for Taka and Makoto, I went with school-related stress, but for Nagito I wrote it as a lot of homework sort of thing. Hope you enjoy it, and your black tea with cream and sugar is served under the cut!

Kiyotaka Ishimaru / Nagito Komaeda / Makoto Naegi x Stressed!Female!Reader

Background: Non-despair school AU, pre-established relationship Warnings: Stressful situations, mental breakdowns, crying, mentions of finals/tests, mentions of lunch/eating

Kiyotaka Ishimaru -

⪼ Of course, he’s encouraging you to study, but I’m sure he can sometimes be a little too much. ⪼ But he only wants to help! Especially when exams are right around the corner, and you aren’t feeling too confident in yourself. ⪼ Your daily routine became studying whenever you could, which was very uptight, even though you two were dating. ⪼ “Congratulations, S/O! You only got two wrong, although, I certainly believe that you can try a little harder!” ⪼ I can see him being a little overbearing, too. As Taka constantly watched over your shoulder, you tried to finish the mock test sheet he made for you. ⪼ Of course, you could only take so much studying before your mental health tanked a few days before your finals. ⪼ So many subjects, so little time. It all got to you, and suddenly in the middle of lunch, you made a last-minute dash to the bathroom, locking yourself in a stall to bawl your eyes out. ⪼ All this pent-up stress was too much, however, you weren’t alone. ⪼ Your friends had contacted your dear boyfriend, who was very concerned as he stood outside the entrance to the girls’ bathroom. ⪼ He called, letting you know that he was there until you eventually came out, which he met you with a warm hug. ⪼ He held you close, pushing aside his louder mannerisms to pay attention to you. ⪼ After that, the two of you went to a quiet location to de-stress and have your lunch together, without any mentions of school.

Nagito Komaeda -

⪼ Every day, you’d at least get several hours of homework. “Research this!” “Give me a four-page essay!” Why did teachers have to be so insistent on taking up students’ free time? ⪼ On top of that, you also had to help out at home, as well as work on your talent. ⪼ Constantly rushing to get all kinds of work done during practically every hour of the day didn’t help, either. ⪼ Oh, and then there was your boyfriend, who understood your situation, though his clinginess didn’t quite help either. ⪼ “Oh, good morning, my shining hope! How is my beautiful girlfriend doing today?” ⪼ He’s always hanging around, and of course, you love him, but sometimes it doesn’t work out for the best. ⪼ Little things like losing a source paper, non-optional extra-credit assignments, and getting roped into usual Hope’s Peak antics, at first wasn’t the worst. It was to be expected with dating Nagito! ⪼ But, it finally got to you when there was a sudden power outage, and you were finishing up a very long Word essay. ⪼ Any hope of retrieving that document was long diminished as you sat alone in the dark computer lap, with your arms over your head. ⪼ So much work, so much effort. Poof. Gone. ⪼ It was a nightmare of a project you didn’t wanna do all over again. ⪼ Though you weren’t by yourself for long, as the door opened, and two familiar arms wrapped around you. ⪼ Here was Nagito, holding and consoling you, knowing what you were up to. He consoled you, encouraging you to not let the hope in your heart be overwhelmed by the despair of the power outage. ⪼ The two of you stayed together like that until you felt better to lift your head, to the sudden flickering of the power being turned back on. ⪼ “Oh, would you look at that! I guess not all of your word doc was deleted! How lucky!” ⪼ Your boyfriend helped with the rest, continuing to give you positive encouragement and feedback.

Makoto Naegi -

⪼ The day you find out that you’ve got a big test right around the corner, you and your boyfriend decide to have study dates every so often. ⪼ Though, the two of you might often slack off a bit, with emphasis on the date part, rather than study. ⪼ You can’t complain though, at first! It helps with the stress. ⪼ But, as the days tick closer and closer, you try to focus more, and of course, Makoto’s there to help you too! ⪼ But as the day tick, tick, ticks closer, you can’t help but count the days. ⪼ At first, you tried to dismiss it as nerves, but it just kept crawling back, lurking in the back of your head. ⪼ Two days before your test, you and Makoto were hanging out on grounds after school, reviewing some subjects, when he noticed you weren’t doing too well. ⪼ Despite you brushing him off, he persisted, giving you one of his pep talks. ⪼ “Hey, it’s okay to be stressed! I know you can ace it, because of all the studying you’ve been doing, even though it took a bit at first to really focus… Anyway! You aren’t alone, since I’m right here with you, and we’ll do it together. Let’s call it here, and go have some fun, okay? You deserve a break.”

[forbidding-souda]

Hello, Mod Souda! I just wanted to tell you that I check your blog semi frequently and I absolutely love your writing! You write the dr characters in ways no one else does and its not only really refreshing, but just overall great to read. Some of your fics have been a great comfort to me, so thank you very much! With that being said, I really hope you don't over exert yourself getting all these fics out! You deserve to get some rest and whatnot! PLEASE prioritize your mental health! <33

HI!!! Omg I'm happy my characterization is fun to read, those are my fav types of compliments.

It had been getting really hard to just keep writing because like I was getting bad brain fog from stopping the medication and I literally could not think - that's why I was mainly doing headcanons

i am prioritizing my mental health a little too much i'm literally getting ratio'd by myself it's so funny /laughablejoke

but some good news is my parents finally realized i'm not growing out of being mentally ill + i'm gaining an audacity to stick up for myself in this manic state + i'm pulling a man??? somehow because he talked about how he likes crazy people so i think he manifested my breakdown but anyway + completely off topic but i'm getting a tattoo today

-Mod Souda

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #157

Today on Fate and Phantasms we’re making Emiya Alter! No, not that one, the one they gave a really dumb nickname to.

Anyway, Demiya is a Vengeance Paladin to take down anyone who would threaten humanity (and protect himself from mind control nonsense) as well as a Hexblade Warlock to project whatever blades he might need straight into enemies. I know he made the deal with Alaya, but it made him good with swords, so it’s probably fine.

Check out his build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

Next up: Man’s worst nightmare

Race and Background

Despite your arguments to the contrary, you’re still a Human, giving you +1 Strength and +1 Dexterity. You also get proficiency in Insight to be a better investigator, and the Fighting Initiate feat, because paladins don’t get the Archery fighting style normally. This gives you +2 on ranged weapon attacks.

What was it that turned you to the path of Alterness? Whatever it was, it made you a Haunted One, giving you proficiency with Investigation and Arcana, as well as a healthy hatred for anything Kiara-based.

Ability Scores

You’re good with guns and small swords, plus you fight shirtless, so make sure your Dexterity is as high as possible. Second is going to be Charisma. You’re a pretty scary guy, we need it for multiclassing,and it’ll help you shoot good later. Your Wisdom is also pretty good, thanks to your built-in mental protection. You’re too affected by your Alterfication to get affected by anything else. Your Strength isn’t that bad, you do use melee weapons too at times and we also need it for multiclassing, but your Constitution is rather low. Kintsugi is very pretty, but it’s not a great way to build a person. Finally, we’re dumping Intelligence. It’s less that you’re dumb, more that you just absolutely don’t care about stuff enough to get scholarly on most subjects.

Class Levels

1. Paladin 1: Paladins get better hit dice and the martial weapons we need for that Fighting Initiate we got, so we’re kinda stuck starting there. First level paladins get proficiency with Wisdom and Charisma saves, as well as two paladin skills. Intimidation is pretty self-explanatory, but you also get Athletics. Look, you’ve got pretty good abs, they had to come from somewhere.

You also get a Divine Sense, letting you sense threats to humanity nearby, and Lay on Hands for a bit of free healthcare for you or whoever else you touch. You get 5 hp of healing per paladin level per long rest, and you can use 5 points from that amount to heal a poison or disease.

Yeah, first level isn’t particularly in-character, but it’ll get better later.

2. Paladin 2: Second level paladins get another Fighting Style, so grab Close Quarters Shooter from the underdark UA for sick melee ranged attacks. This negates the disadvantage caused by making a ranged attack near hostiles, your ranged attacks ignore all but full cover, and you get another +1 to ranged attack rolls.

You also learn how to cast an prepare Spells using your Charisma. You can either use your new spell slots for, y’know, spells, or for a Divine Smite to add on extra radiant damage to a melee attack. Ranged attacks in melee range don’t count, sadly.

As far as prepared spells go, Detect Evil and Good can help hunt down baddies, ditto with Protection from Evil and Good. 

3. Paladin 3: At third level, you can at long last devote yourself to Vengeance!, giving you the spells Bane to trip up foes and Hunter’s Mark to stick some serious damage onto your enemies over time. You also get Channel Divinity once per short rest that you can use in two ways.

Abjure Enemy spends an action to force a wisdom save (DC 8+charisma mod+proficiency) or one creature is frightened for up to a minute or until it takes damage. While frightened, it can’t move. On a success, the creature’s speed is halved for a minute or until it takes damage.

Alternatively, you can swear a Vow of Enmity as a bonus action, giving you advantage on attacks against a nearby creature for a minute or until it hits 0 hp.

You also get Divine Health, making you immune to disease. Like half your body is gold, it’s not like sniffles are a big concern at this point.

4. Paladin 4: Use your first Ability Score Improvement to grab the Crossbow Expert feat. There’s a lot of overlap with Close Range Shooter, but you can now attack multiple times per turn with a crossbow, and you can use your bonus action to attack with a hand crossbow if you attack with a one-handed weapon with your main action. Unfortunately, that’s the one kind of crossbow that won’t work with warlocks, but for now it’s fine.

5. Paladin 5: Fifth level paladins get an Extra Attack, letting you attack twice per turn anyway! Making great use of feat you just got.

You also learn second level spells! Your freebies are Hold Person and Misty Step. Admittedly neither are really in character for you, but if you want to power game Hold Person gives you guaranteed critical hits on the held person, which is super busted when combined with your smites. Food for thought.

Otherwise you can use Magic Weapon and other smites to make normal swords into fancy magic swords.

6. Warlock 1: Bouncing over to warlock for a bit puts you in a pact with an even fancier magic weapon: a Hexblade. You might not have a soul any more, but you do have a Hexblade’s Curse, which you can put on one unlucky bastard as a bonus action once per short rest. The target’s cursed for 1 minute, during which: You add your proficiency to damage against the target, crit on 19s, and you gain HP equal to your warlock level+your charisma modifier when they die.

You also become a Hex Warrior, turning one non-two handed weapon into a charisma based weapon instead of dexterity or strength. You can also use this on any kind of weapon made with your pact weapon feature later.

Finally, you get Pact Magic, which is pretty similar to your old magic except it recharges on short rests instead of long ones. While the spell slots don’t blend like other multiclassing builds, you can use warlock slots to cast paladin spells and vice versa.

Speaking of warlock spells, you get Eldritch Blast to summon gunfire and Sword Burst to summon swords right into people. You also get Cause Fear because that’s most people’s natural reaction to you and Expeditious Retreat to stay in archery range. Just because you can fight in melee range doesn’t mean you should.

7. Warlock 2: Second level warlocks get Eldritch Invocations. Like usual, we’re saving one for level three, but you still get Armor of Shadows now for free Mage Armor on yourself. Now you can finally rip your shirt off and make Kintoki jealous!

You also learn Comprehend Languages. Alaya probably wouldn’t drop you off in someplace without giving you the language to get around, right? Right?

8. Warlock 3: Your pact boon, as you can probably guess, is the Pact of the Blade, letting you summon pretty much any melee weapon you could want as an action. It also counts as magic for overcoming resistance, making the Magic Weapon thing from earlier pointless.

That invocation we were saving becomes Improved Pact Weapon, which expands your pact weapon choices to pretty much any ranged weapon you could want and it gives any weapon you make +1 to attacks and damage.

Honestly there aren’t that many second level spells that I think really fit Emiya as a warlock, but Blur is nice. If you’re going to be nameless, you might as well be faceless too, I guess.

9. Paladin 6: Going back to paladin for a bit lets you create an Aura of Protection, adding your charisma modifier to any save you or allies within 10′ of you make. It’s not an enormous buff, but a +2 is a +2, take what you get.

10. Paladin 7: Seventh level vengeance paladins are Relentless Avengers. When you hit a creature with an attack of opportunity, you can move half your speed as part of the reaction an ignore opportunity attacks. Like a lot of paladin goodies, this doesn’t pair well with your guns, but you do have swords as well.

11. Paladin 8: Another ASI at last! Bump up your Charisma for better saves and spells.

12. Warlock 4: Use this ASI to become Tough for an extra 24 HP now and another 2 each level. If you want to get in close, you’d better be able to take a hit. Also, you’re part gold. Sure it’s a soft metal, but it’s still a metal. That’s worth a few HP.

You also learn True Strike because I’m really hoping you’re aiming those things, and Shadow Blade for yet another sword you can summon.

13. Warlock 5: Fifth level warlocks get another invocation and a third level spell. Spirit Shroud makes all your swords a little bit sharper, dealing extra damage to and slowing down creatures in a 10′ radius. You also get Eldritch Smite, which burns through warlock slots to deal extra force damage, and can be used with ranged weapons.

14. Paladin 9: Ninth level paladins also get third level spells, like Haste which adds to your AC, bumps up your speed, and gives you and extra action for the duration. When the spell ends you have to take a turn to chill, but it’s totally worth it. You also get Protection from Energy, which... I mean if someone’s throwing around acid arrows, yeah go for it. Otherwise you can get more smites and Elemental Weapon for more fancy weapons.

15. Paladin 10: Tenth level paladins get an Aura of Courage, preventing allies in it from being frightened. I’d be more worried about charms, but honestly your wisdom save is pretty good at this point.

16. Paladin 11: Your Improved Divine Smite means you can add radiant damage to melee attacks even when you have no spell slots to burn; unfortunately that’s still just melee attacks, not ranged attacks.

17. Paladin 12: At seventeenth level you can finally use this ASI to bump your Charisma up past the point where your dexterity started, meaning your attaks finally get a bit more accurate thanks to being a Hex Warrior. This also bumps up your spell effectiveness and all your saves.

18. Paladin 13: Thirteenth level paladins get fourth level spells, like Banishment and Dimension Door. You also get access to yet another new smite for yet another new sword.

19. Paladin 14: Your last mainline paladin goodie is a Cleansing Touch, spending an action to end a spell affecting yourself or a willing creature charisma mod times per long rest. You’d think this anti-Kiara protection is coming late, but to be honest you probably should be level 20 to take on a Beast of Humanity.

20. Paladin 15: Your capstone level makes you a Soul of Vengeance, letting you make opportunity attacks on a creature affected by your Vow of Enmity if they try to attack anyone. Again, this only affects melee attacks.

Pros:

Mixing your Hexblade’s Curse and Vow of Enmity together means you’re really good at dealing crits with basically four times the odds of critical attacks each attack compared to your regular fighter. This is especially good for a character that can double smite like you can, dealing serious burst damage easily.

You also deal consistent damage with a +14 to hit and several different ways to stick more damage onto your attacks, like the afforementioned curse, Hunter’s Mark, or Spirit Shroud.

Thanks to your warlock slots recharging on short rests, you can go ham on smites a bit more than most people could, making your Unlimited Lost Works available to you more than other paladins.

Cons:

You’re a paladin specializing in ranged attacks. Admittedly the only things really making you a ranged fighter are your fighting styles, which can easily be changed, but if you’re playing to character you’ll find it a bit harder to use your paladin features.

Another reason staying at range is a good idea is your Concentration saves are really bad, with a total of +0 and no way to improve them.

Starting as a paladin but then adding in hexblade later means you have something of an awkward beginning, with your first couple ASIs not really contributing much to your character, with those first few mostly making up for your weaknesses rather than playing to your strengths.

[treetownconfessions]

Hello, Mod! Today, i'm disappointing my parents, scared to ask them for food because i'm really hungry but they will sadly make food for me and that will make me feel worse than I already do AND i'm having a mental breakdown about my future! TLDR i'm doing great tonight. What about you?

aw bud. is there any way you can grab a snack? even if its something like crackers, its better than staying hungry the whole night

[justsomemorewritersonthisapp]

Y/n who's a barista in training with Rantaro, who has a really long complicated order

(There's a whole prompt list of coffee shop au prompts by @fairiebyunprompts that I'm using. If you wanna suggest one, feel free to, but other than that I'll probably just use random prompts now and then. Also the other baristas reactions are little over dramatic but I'm too lazy to change it :/. Its also kinda short, but that's fine I guess.)

Characters: Rantaro Amami

Warnings: Slight cursing

Type: Probably fluff, headcanons

~Mod Tenko, who's probably gonna end up simping for Taro in their own writing~

You had been job hopping for awhile after moving and had finally landed a well paying job that you would hopefully actually enjoy.

You arrive your first day at work on monday and for most of the day it's just sitting at the counter, taking a few simple orders, yadda yadda. But then a guy with pastel green hair walks in and you get an immediate good vibe from him. You quickly hurry to stand straight and you almost fall doing it, but you manage.

He walks up to you and seems to look confused for a second. You suddenly lose the ability speak and just awkwardly smile at him.

'What the hell are you doing y/n?! What was that?! TALK TO HIM.'

"Are you new round here? I've never seen you here before."

"O-oh, yeah, just started today."

He suddenly extends his arm and you freeze for a second.

"I'm Rantaro Amami. I'm a regular round here and I know just about every barista in this shop. So I guess we'll just have to get to know eachother so I can keep saying that."

He suddenly leans a little closer.

"It's one of the only things I can brag about."

You laugh and finally take his hand.

"I'm f/n l/n. Nice to meet you Amami!"

"Please, call me Rantaro."

You nod your head and tell yourself that you should probably take his order. You are a damn barista after all.

"So Rantaro, can I take your order?"

He smiles and before he states his order and says two words.

"Good luck."

You're confused until he closes his eyes and states a really specific and kinda long order. Clearly from memory.

Which somehow makes it more terrifying than it already is.

For a second you're paralyzed, but you quickly start writing his order down. You look at him quickly before going to make the drink, full panic on your face.

He chuckles and waves before checking his phone and sitting down as you head to the back.

"GUYS I KNOW YOU OWE ME NOTHING BUT SOME GUY JUST CAME IN AND HE SAID HIS NAME WAS RANTARO AND-"

"Rantaro?!"

Pretty much the entire staff had a shocked look on their face. Suddenly your longest working peer turns to your boss and says,

"You let them serve Rantaro? On their first day? They're a goner!"

You have a small mental breakdown at the words of your peer.

"Calm down! It's fine, Rantaro's a kind young man, even if they do screw it up I'm sure he wont mind."

"Yeah but.. its a code green. His order is very difficult for anyone who doesn't know him"

You just stand there and read the order over as your colleagues go back and forth about it. You decide that you're gonna try and make this strange order, now matter how difficult.

You begin making the drink and when your peers notice, they just watch you as you read the order over, work on the drink, repeat.

You do that until you have what looks like a pretty good drink. You walk out of the kitchen and serve Rantaro his drink and cross your fingers behind your back.

He takes a sip and..

"It's missing a few things, but for the most part, you did really well! Probably better than any new barista I've challenged with this."

"Thank you, I tried my best!"

You could feel the presence of your peers behind you in the kitchen doorway.

"Although next time.. I could teach you how to make it."

"Teach me?"

"Yeah, I've got all the stuff needed back at my place. That is, if you're free this weekend?"

"I'd love to."

[unioncolours]

A 2nd Majsasaurus Year!

Today, 22nd of September 2021, it’s been two years since I officially joined the magical world of fandom. 22.9.2019 I uploaded the first chapter to my fic Shadows and Sand, and the rest is history.

I did a deep dive into my first year as a fic writer and active member of fandom last year, when it was my first anniversary. You can read it here!

In that meta discussion about my membership of fandom, I presented it as if walking on clouds. I was so, so happy and talked during all the discussion about my happiness in fandom.

Since that post was written, my life and also my perception of the fandom I am part of has changed. Change isn’t always bad, as I really had a honeymoon phase with fandom over a year ago, and the low after hit hard.

But let’s see what I’ve been up to and what I’ve been writing! The following year provided much change and fun things! Please keep reading 💜⬇

The first fic I wrote since 22.9.2020 was a Sakura x Ino fic. I had for a longer while been interested in writing a woman-loves-woman ship, which I had never done before, and as a wlw-person myself the urge to explore that part led to Promise me this is just a kiss. The pairing itself was chosen on rather random, it had to be two women and I like Ino, so I chose the most popular Ino-wlw ship for this for convenience.

I really liked writing the fic and it was well-received! It was the first time I had written a fic that was entirely centred around exploring feelings and having sex.

After this I jumped directly onto the next idea that had been boiling inside me for a longer while. Up to this point, all I had written, except the wlw-fic, had been set in the Naruto canonverse and I was itching to try to work with a multi-chaptered modern au! The pairing was of course my beloved Shikadai x Inojin.

It was during the creation of this fic I began to struggle. This was a new genre, as this was romance only and all my other works had been action and fantasy based, except the sex fic of course. I was maybe over critical and stressed, which resulted in me having a hard time writing it. But I made it. Was the sky always this beautiful? ended up being 35k long, and in hindsight, I freaking love, love, love how it turned out in the end and what it represented. I am very proud of this fic.

I “upgraded” as a fan by the end of October when I bought myself a digital drawing tablet. I began drawing fanart of Shikadai and Inojin and preferably them two together, haha! I still draw a few days a month and find it extremely fun as a side hobby beside the writing.

We are now in November 2020. By this time, I had completely finished my zine fic, Under the Scorching Sun, which I had written during September and October, for the Shikatema zine I was kindly accepted to. I was proud of what I had created and was eager for the rest of the contributors to wrap up theirs, so we’d have a wonderful zine for sale in 2021. It was lovely to write ShikaTema again. As the zine fic was about to be released in months from when I had at first finished it, I wanted of course to write something fans and friends could immediately take part of on the internet. I had hyped myself up to a state where I wanted to write a third and final story in my series To love and never let go, my epic series about Shikadai and Inojin.

Now, I should maybe have waited another month, but I was worried the readers would give up on me if I didn’t write it right away. In December, I began writing To find hope in the Universe, with my usual speed and love for the art.

What I by then didn’t realise or even recognise was that I was very slowly turning burned out. I ignored all the signs.

In December I wrote simultaneously as Hope in the Universe a fic that was part of the Shikatema server’s Secret Santa event. The fic’s name was The Ghost Stories of our Hearts, and it was ShikaTema, as the event’s name suggests. It was fun to write and despite the final big fic, Hope in the Universe, pressing down on me, I finished The Ghost Stories of our Hearts and was very happy with the result. Sadly, at this point the burnout began taking control over me, and I never managed to reply to the comments.

The 15th of January, I began uploading To find hope in the Universe. It was a lovely experience, even if it was tainted by negative feelings coming from my decreasing happiness and the fact that it didn’t do as well as To dance above the Stars, the second fic in the series. To deal with two very contradiction emotions, loving my work, the characters, how I have painted an entire world around the characters and how I knew some people honestly loved my hard work, and then the negative feelings coming from not feeling good enough and depressed, was a difficult thing to navigate and still is when I think back to that time. It didn’t help that during the process of uploading the fic I went through grief, and I chose distraction as my coping method. I kept writing and working, the only thing I ever knew.

Our pre-order of the Shikatema zine was in full motion by this time and it was a nerve-wracking time! Mostly because of excitement but also worry. I’m super happy for my friends who were part of the zine, with whom I could share all the excitement and nervousness with. The zine ended up making good sales, which made me happy among the uploading of the long fic.

To find hope in the Universe was completed 31st of March 2021. When I uploaded the final chapter, I felt nothing. It was so weird, so spooky, to have finished a long fic and a series on top of that and not feel anything. But deep down, beneath the layer of depression, I felt great pride.

That was the emotion that broke free once the burnout left me. Pride.

I had created this empire of Shikajin, a whole alternative timeline, an alternative canon from my own head and to this day, that is my internet legacy. I love Trial of the Heart, which I wrote in 2020, but if I have to choose between ToH and this series, I will choose To love and never let go in a heartbeat.

So, even if it felt depressing and hopeless in the moment, I look now back with pride and happiness. Never forget that. Never forget that I made that.

April was a curious time. I swore to not write anything, because I had by now recognised that I was burned out and needed to rest, yet managed to scrape together three smaller fics.

The first one was another wlw-smut fic, TemaSaku this time called Another Light. I wanted to explore that part once again. I wrote it in canonverse and honestly think the fic ended up extremely nice. Perfect amount of feels and sex. It didn’t feel hard to write at all, because the setting, characters and emotions were so different from the fics I had written the last five months.

Now more interesting things lay on the horizon! A new zine, the Ino-Shika-Cho zine called Beyond a Bond had an interest check during the spring, and later the contributor application. I urged in the interest check to please give us the next gen kids, Shikadai, Inojin and Chocho – my kids and babies, and when it turned out they were going to feature, I had to apply as a writer. For this application I wrote a one shot, called It’s just hair, and I loved this spunky little story featuring the best babies that I created.

I also edited one of my tumblr fics, And then I kissed him, into a longer, better version that I later in May uploaded onto AO3. It was once again a Shikajin, a sequel of Trial of the Heart, and it was a fun little project.

Now May came and I sent in the application for the zine early, which I now am relieved I did. I am happy that I did the work for the application in April instead of May, because in May I had a few breakdowns and another grieving period, which lead to complete creative paralysis. I didn’t write a single word during May, only uploaded the two one shots I had prepared in April.

What I did do in May was to read through the Shikatema zine I had contributed to! It arrived in the mail! I was so nervous; my whole body was shaking when I opened the package right outside the post office. The zine now resides on the parade place in my little zine shrine in the bookshelf. Thank you to the mods who made this a reality!

To my great happiness my zine adventures continued as I was accepted to the Ino-Shika-Cho zine as a writer and was assigned to write my favourite characters. I felt so relieved and overjoyed, mind blown by the sheer talent among the contributors.

On the other fandom front, June didn’t continue any brighter, with stress and mental pain still having a strong grip around me, despite the very happy news that I am still so grateful for. I wrote a Yamanaka family fic which to this day hasn’t seen the light of AO3, because of negative emotions surrounding it. I turned into a complete wreck compared to me in June 2020. In June 2020 I was flourishing, I loved what I did, I loved fandom and I loved the friends I had made through Discord servers. Now I could find myself crying my eyes out over a wip not going the way I wished it would. What had happened to Bex 2021?

I was so incredibly frustrated with myself, groaning in defeat when my hands just couldn’t write. I managed to push through 6k of what I called my “emo au” – more of that later – and finish the Yamanaka fic which is still buried, and on top of that I had the zine and another fandom event, The Naruto Photo Album, to create content for. Why couldn’t I do it? Why couldn’t I find happiness in something that once was my reason for happiness?

In the end, I managed to write 15k in June. My former monthly word count used to be 30k. One could think this would turn into the end of my fic writing career, or the beginning of a longer hiatus, but I am stubborn and want to meet the expectations of the people who love my content, so I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to try. I wanted to be whoever I was before.

Funnily enough, the healing came in the shape of the most self-indulgent fic I have ever, ever written, a fic I like possessed began writing July the 1st 2021. It was nothing less than a freaking fairy tale AU, namely a Shikadai x Inojin Peter Pan AU. I can hear you laugh at the silliness of it, but this whimsical AU gave me back my love for writing. I hyper-fixated on this story quite a bit and stopped writing on everything else, something I almost never do.

Only happy boys fly ended up being 21 000 words long! I knew it was a niched story, and true to my guesses, the story has to this day very low stats. Today, two months after it was published, it has just above 100 hits and 10 kudos, so for all I know, only ten people read and liked it. I try to not care too much, since I love the story and in some way, that story saved me from going batshit insane over my emotions about writing.

At this point I had begun writing my fic from the Ino-Shika-Cho zine, finding joy in silly scenes with my favourite characters and trying to heal. The writing process was frustratingly slow, but one word at a time I got forward and as of today, the draft is done. The pre-orders are in December. At the side of the zine fic I wrote a short fluffy Shikajin story, CLEAR, a story with almost no plot, because I knew how much self-indulgence could help me.

And then, I finally began writing for real on my emo au, A gang of fallen stars, which has the first few chapters up right now! I have for the first time in six months a longer fic (if we don’t count the Peter Pan story) and it feels… good. This fic is once again a modern au, but in darker tones than my other modern au from November 2020. I honestly like what I have so far, even if I during June and July almost planned to never finish it. I am so relieved I managed to begin the upload. In September the Photo Album was released and I could show my two fics I wrote for it.

It sounds like this year has been nothing but misery, and at times it felt like it. However, there are a few fandom friends who brought light to my life when I couldn’t see it. The first ones to mention are of course my partners in crime, @notquitejiraiya and @thespookymoth. Together we created a server dedicated to Ino-Shika-Cho during the spring and it has been tons of fun with the members there! Thank you two for listening to me and for being my friends during 2021.

I also have to mention Soverel, who carefully begun taking contact through comments and likes on my twitter, and later through direct messages, and it has been a fun ride ever since. We’ve had lovely discussions which are very dear to me and your support means a lot to me. Thank you for being you and for drawing so many wonderful artworks you’ve shared with me. Haha, and for making me play Genshin Impact, even though I do it like twice a month!

Another person who has made my days so much brighter is @sugarriene. Thank you for sending me that one dm that made us chat regularly, thank you for popping up and sharing panels and your wonderful drawings with me, and for vibing head canons with me. You are a lovely person, and you make me happy.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to @yoboseyokyu for listening to me when I had to yell into the void and for making me happy with your cute posts on both twitter and tumblr.

Since September 2020, I’ve written around 195 000 words and drawn close to 35 illustrations, most of them of Shikadai and Inojin. Almost 200 000 words of Majsasaurus. I’ve created a Discord server and I’ve been part of two zines as a writer, plus a free PDF-project.

It has been a wild year. A year filled with passion for my favourite characters and ship, with the excitement that came with being part of projects and hyping them. It was a year where I learned to draw digitally, and heck what fun it was.

This also a year where I learned people can be mean to me because of what I ship and that fandom friends won’t necessarily always stay to be your friend anymore and how much it can hurt. I also learned what my limits are, and what punishment I get if I don’t listen to my own mind and rest when I have to.

It was a year, guys.

Now, onto the third Majsasaurus Year. Cheers!

And those of you, who supported me when I needed it – thank you and I love you.

[aces-of-the-center-court]

How would Hinata react to his S/O pretending to forget his birthday?

the story this time is based on the normal school day as I know hinata’s birthday this year fell on the weekend but after a lot of drafts, this is the final result we decided.

hope you enjoy this headcanon by mod raine & I for our little human mandarin! :)

- mod sunny.

The moment it hit 00:00 on his birthday, he’d be excitedly anticipating his yearly birthday messages from his teammates and you

So, from 11:58pm onwards, he’d be holding onto his phone and staring straight at it, eyes bright and wide in anticipation for birthday messages – ( O  v  O )

When the clock strikes midnight, birthday wishes would start coming in from his teammates, to which he’d happily respond with thanks!!! with lots of exclamation marks

Then when he finally sees you typing, he’d stiffen up and hold his breath in excitement and anticipation, only to see a different message from you instead:

You: [Alright, I’m off to bed now. So exhausted from all these work…]

……That’s it??? He would think and become so confused and a little flustered when he sees you follow up with a ‘goodnight’ message

Hinata: [Wait, aren’t you forgetting something? Don’t you have anything to say to me??]

You: [Huh??]

You: [Oh, my bad… must’ve been too tired sorry!]

He’d heave a sigh of relief and slight disappointment upon seeing this, but would understand and try to cheer himself up a little, preparing himself for your birthday wishes

You: [Love you! >//< See you tomorrow!]

A state of mental breakdown ensues upon realising you actually forgot his birthday

GAH!! Y/N doesn’t remember my birthday?? No way, Y/N has never forgotten it before!!! Does y/n not love me anymore??? Are we going to break up??? AHHHHHHHH–

He’d jump to the most extreme conclusions and pass out from shock

When preparing for school the next morning, his mind would be in a blank state – absentmindedly changing his clothes, eating breakfast, and leaving the house – until you finally call out to him when you see him at the school gate, “Hinata-kun! Good morning!”

“Oh, good morning Y/N...” In his mind, he’d still refuse to believe that you forgot his birthday

“Um! Y/N! Do you know what day it is today?” He’d anxiously hint, constantly fidgeting about restlessly

You would look at him like he was asking a strange question, “…It’s Friday? What’s wrong? Were there supposed to be some tests today?” You would respond in an effort to conceal your intention, biting back your smile while feeling slightly sorry for him seeing him look so flustered and disappointed

It’ll break your heart a little and you’d want to just tell him that you’re kidding about forgetting his birthday, but imagining his happiness when you finally surprise him afterwards will motivate you to not ruin the surprise yet. Sorry, Hinata-kun! Bear with it a little more!!

Hinata would malfunction and become a stuttering mess, “No- I mean… What I’m trying to say is- uh…” but since you had never forget his birthday before, he’d wonder if something was up with you and worriedly ask, “Um, y/n… are you alright? Is everything okay?”

Your heart would flutter a little when you see Hinata putting aside his birthday concerns for a moment and worrying about you instead, “Oh- I’m alright, got to go!” You’d hurriedly excuse yourself to class when the bell rings, afraid Hinata would catch on to something

A stunned and sad Hinata would be left in the hallway; his classmates would drag him to class later but he’d be so confused, worried, in disbelief, and sad at the same time, his soul would leave his body and he won’t be able to focus on lessons

After school, he’d drag his feet to volleyball practice and soullessly greet his upperclassmen who had told him to come earlier for practice that day

“SURPRISE!!” Your voice among his teammates’ voices would cause Hinata to jerk his head up and finally scan the surroundings – Huh? Wha— His mind would not be able to process for a bit until it finally dawned upon him that it’s a surprise birthday party!

Looking around, he would see you and immediately run to you, eyes teary and concernedly ask, “Y/N? But I thought you forgot…”

“Sorry, I wanted it to be a surprise for you…” You would smile apologetically before continuing with a cheeky grin, “Although I wasn’t kidding when I said I was exhausted from all the work last night… it really was tiring to prepare all these!”

After you tell him about how you planned and prepared for the surprise with his teammates, he would be so relieved and touched that he’d tear up in happiness while blabbering words of gratitude to you and the rest

In his outburst of emotions, he’d give you a tight hug and incoherently mutter, “Thank gudness you didn’t forghet; I was so worrid and sad and… and…” while you would chuckle at his dramatic gesture and ruffle his hair, redirecting his attention to celebrating his birthday and having him try the cake you baked

Despite how the rest of the teammates would throw the confetti from the ground on him to adoringly annoy him and the teasing he would receive from Tsukishima for being such a crybaby, it’ll definitely be a birthday that he’ll never forget.