#monday was really bad.

[squirmydonnie]

TW: su!cide, death, unreality (again)

I did something very weird.

But I don't feel bad about it. And I don't know if I should.

I could verbalize it. But that would be a bad idea.

I want to say all of it was. But I'm not sure.

If anyone questions it I already have an idea of what to say. But what I can say doesn't make a lot of sense. And it would raise questions.

So I should think of a few other things.

I don't know.

I feel a lot of anxiety still. But I don't feel like I need to do bad things to myself anymore.

So while I definitely diffused the situation, I don't think I did anything productive.

I probably did something that won't work out in the future.

Not that I won't make me feel better. But it won't be sustainable.

I can't just "do this next time!"- because its not. That kind of thing.

I can't just do this at all really. I shouldn't.

I thought I would feel disgusting but I didn't.

All my other normal efforts did not work.

I wish that they did. But they didn't.

I know why.

I don't need coping mechanisms anymore. I've already done that. And failed. I need real people beside me.

I tried to give myself a better childhood. I tried really hard. I tried to enjoy it.

But everytime it blew up in my face.

So I gave up and moved on to imaginary efforts.

That was until they mostly became un-imaginary and started to hurt me mentally.

But before all that, it was fine.

I had no reason to suspect it wasn't. I was re-parenting myself, making new friends, enjoying life, becoming comfortable with myself. Except. None of this was real.

Part of me knew this. That's why none of these things made me guilty in the first place.

That was until I realized what I had made cookie12 spawn from.

Which was my own death.

Which sounds really bad, but it wasn't involved as much. It was just the catalist for any of the experiences to be made.

And they were great experiences. All caused by my decision to let go of things and become my own person. Whether realizing it or not. Though none of this was real in the first place.

Thinking that you already died isn't exactly I great way to live your life. Which is why I quit all cookie 12 daydreaming.

you can do all that without dying. I doesn't have to be this way. I knew that. But it was too scary.

Despite how nice their life was. It wasn't real life. It was all fake. I still accomplished things under daydreaming but. Most things didn't feel good. That was, unless I was daydreaming.

And they guilt i carried didn't help.

But in quitting I was now alone.

I'm still trying to figure how to deal with that.

While I still valued others, it all felt like I was just going through the motions.

Expecting one day they would all leave me and cut me off.

Until eventually I live in this house with terrible conditions and i daydream all day.

But for me this was a fantasy.

I think slightly more of myself now.

Theres no more daydreaming in my future I hope. And I think I want an okay house. And I think maybe I want to make sure I keep more hoarding in check. And I am not like my Aunt.

I sure do love her a lot, but I don't think she deserves to live like that.

And I'm trying really hard to not believe that myself. Though the truth is, I don't believe I'm deserving of anything. And I don't want anything.

My asks are so small.

And they shouldn't be. But I'm too scared to ask for the things I like.

Anyway.

I did something similar to what I did in 7th grade.

I had put the in my backpack. And then

Well I actually don't remember the rest.

Put cran-grape juice on the floor on purpose. Told my dad it was an accident and had him clean it.

Surprisingly the floor is not stained?

I left the In the backpack for weeks. That's disgusting.

I don't blame myself for it or anything. But it is.

[chitinleg]

got him off-balance!

[jedimitsopolis]

[ID: Art of Amanda Young putting a hand to the bullet wound in her neck. It’s dripping down her shirt and arm. She looks determined. The background is the same red as the blood. End ID.]

[hydrobunny]

i knew you'd come back to me

tags: getting back together, vague allusions to angst, timeskip reunion, ambiguous? ending 880 words

a/n: hope u enjoy anon. based on cardigan

it’s been six years since you last saw rin itoshi.

six years since the day he turned his back on you without looking back, leaving behind the remains of your fragile relationship.

but now that you’ve grown - and gotten through life just fine on your own- you’re not sure what that long-gone relationship really had been. if it ever affected him the way it affected you.

and yet, at a small shitty parisian bar several thousand miles aways from home, you see rin itoshi again, and everything changes.

for you could recognize the shape and angles of his face from oceans away, and he knows the same. shocked recognition flares through rin’s eyes (still beautiful, still so intense).

the two of you are young again, and it used to be-

sneaking out of school early so he could practice drills while you did homework on the bleachers-

his hands interlaced with yours, form trembling as the both of you agreed that an era in the itoshi household had ended forever-

your hand on his wrist, his feet dragging in the wet sand while he half heartedly argued against entering the cold waters-

him opening your christmas gift, a luxury cologne that had taken you two months to save up for-

you and him in your living room, horror movie blaring on the screen while he pretended to be annoyed at your screaming-

him packing a duffel bag with his best worn football cleats and a mysterious invitation while you mulled over the best way to say a temporary goodbye-

you cheering his name in a stadium crowded with his brother’s legacy, unaware as something in his heart broke and was reforged anew-

the two of you were sixteen, and rin itoshi was telling you to not wait for him again.

with an ice cold voice, he had left the dregs of your relationship behind.

but six years is a long time to hold a grudge- so you don’t. you were both young, with nothing but the cruelty and arrogance that came with being young.

you aren't sixteen years old anymore.

so you don’t blame rin itoshi for breaking your heart. instead, you meet his eyes head-on and smile, hoping he can taste your forgiveness.

you think he might. for rin almost flinches away, his eyes still flashing over you like he can’t believe you’re really there.

“hey, rin.” and you let him back in.

“y/n,” he says slowly. “you’re here. in paris.”

the barkeeper slides you a drink wordlessly. you tilt your head. a small part of you marvels inwardly at how tall he is. “so are you. small world, isn't it?”

rin blinks, gaze flickering once to the small glass, and you’ve known the confusion in his voice since years ago. “i live here.”

you don’t know that one. “oh,” you manage, too awkwardly. the bass of the music almost drowns out your words. “paris? i wouldn't have taken you for the type.”

his confusion turns into straight disbelief, face furrowing. “what? no, not like-” he clears his throat. “for the football team. pxg? i’m the starting striker.”

“that does seem more fitting,” you pick up your glass. “so you did it? blue lock worked out?”

rin doesn’t respond immediately, searching your face carefully. in the tense pause, you throw back at least half of your cup. “you really don’t know?”

“well, it wasn't like i wanted to subscribe to that show,” his face stiffens at your words. “if im being honest, the only thing i even know about japanese football now is that we think isagi’s the great hope of us all.”

rin’s face shifts immediately to a display of impressive annoyance. “don't believe that crap.”

you bite down on your laughter. “i don't feel that strongly about it.”

your phone buzzes in your pocket. his eyes trace your movements as you pull it out, skimming the notification.

“i should go.”

“already?” he blurts out, grimacing immediately after.

you raise an eyebrow. “i've been here. you just haven't seen me.”

“shitty place to spend your time.”

your heart twangs with the familiarity of his casual brashness. “sure. i’m glad to know you’re doing well, rin. see you in another six years?”

he doesn't respond. with a sigh, you leave .

there’s no point in looking back. you push past sweaty bodies, an emotion you can't quite place roaring in your ears.

it was over. it had been over. you had already long accepted it to be over, so why did it still burn to turn away?

a hand wraps around your wrist, firm.

you whirl around-

rin’s eyes meet yours with a breath-stopping intensity, desperately searching for something. “i’m sorry.”

the music is too loud. you blink rapidly. “what?”

he leans in closer to you, and you realize he still wears the same cologne. “you were too good for me. and i’m sorry for what i did to you.”

you step backward, heart thudding with the rhythm of a song years paused. “i don't- rin?”

his hand is still on your wrist. “it’s always been you, y/n, and i don't know why it took so long to realize. but i was a fucking idiot.”

you swallow.

rin itoshi meets your gaze. “one more try.”

the lights flash a dozen different colors, and you hear yourself answer.

[anna-scribbles]

“He was— He was my ‘buttercup’,” she sobbed out, and his hand gripped her far shoulder, “And I— I never even— I never got to tell him how much he m-meant to me— not even th-the stupid sun thing—”

“Oh… Marinette…” he whispered, his nose brushing against her hair, “The sun thing wasn’t stupid.”

this scene from chapter 6 of drowning (in plain sight) by @buggachat has PLAGUED me since i read it i am deeply unwell

[giantenemyrobot]

Some older Megan drawings for Megatron Monday

[brofightiscancelled]

i'll never get over how perfectly suburban american the matsumusical set looks like i dont know how they got it so perfect it cracks me up so much every time

[mantis-yippee]

2 DAYS TILL THE TRAILER!

Today is a request

Baldjungasaurus

Binoceratops

Y'know the more I look at major, the more I realize how BIG he is

Baldrius makes a cameo

[redo-rewind-if]

Sorry for the lack of snippets lately, I figured since it's so close to release that I wouldn't do anymore atm but... I couldn't resist sharing some of this scene lol.

[moregraceful]

max and i are closing in on launching [redacted sports rpf charity fest] and i am once again pondering how do i write "experience with writing form emails and manipulating google forms in ways no one has dreamed of" in a cover letter without saying "i did it for the rpf grind"...like there's no way unless everyone in this microsoft teams meeting gets really cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly. you know

[bexsbelts]

RHEA RIPLEY and DOMINIK MYSTERIO monday night raw. nov 20, 2023

[la-galaxie-langblr]

job rant incoming

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Shout out to waking up at 6am and giving yourself an absolutely jacked haircut lol

[cherryplasmids]

monday mystery film: sing sing

verdict: it was…GOOD. like really good. ngl i teared up at a few parts, but i laughed a lot too. great ensemble cast and the fact that they’re formally incarcerated was just the cherry on top. it rounds out the film in a positive way

[bunnyboy-juice]

oughghghhghghhhhhgh (vent)

[somethingsomethingcomic]

guess what I've been fixating on