Tumgik
#i should be in the dark when im sad???
squirmydonnie · 8 months
Text
TW: su!cide, death, unreality (again)
I did something very weird.
But I don't feel bad about it. And I don't know if I should.
I could verbalize it. But that would be a bad idea.
I want to say all of it was. But I'm not sure.
If anyone questions it I already have an idea of what to say. But what I can say doesn't make a lot of sense. And it would raise questions.
So I should think of a few other things.
I don't know.
I feel a lot of anxiety still. But I don't feel like I need to do bad things to myself anymore.
So while I definitely diffused the situation, I don't think I did anything productive.
I probably did something that won't work out in the future.
Not that I won't make me feel better. But it won't be sustainable.
I can't just "do this next time!"- because its not. That kind of thing.
I can't just do this at all really. I shouldn't.
I thought I would feel disgusting but I didn't.
All my other normal efforts did not work.
I wish that they did. But they didn't.
I know why.
I don't need coping mechanisms anymore. I've already done that. And failed. I need real people beside me.
I tried to give myself a better childhood. I tried really hard. I tried to enjoy it.
But everytime it blew up in my face.
So I gave up and moved on to imaginary efforts.
That was until they mostly became un-imaginary and started to hurt me mentally.
But before all that, it was fine.
I had no reason to suspect it wasn't. I was re-parenting myself, making new friends, enjoying life, becoming comfortable with myself. Except. None of this was real.
Part of me knew this. That's why none of these things made me guilty in the first place.
That was until I realized what I had made cookie12 spawn from.
Which was my own death.
Which sounds really bad, but it wasn't involved as much. It was just the catalist for any of the experiences to be made.
And they were great experiences. All caused by my decision to let go of things and become my own person. Whether realizing it or not. Though none of this was real in the first place.
Thinking that you already died isn't exactly I great way to live your life. Which is why I quit all cookie 12 daydreaming.
you can do all that without dying. I doesn't have to be this way. I knew that. But it was too scary.
Despite how nice their life was. It wasn't real life. It was all fake. I still accomplished things under daydreaming but. Most things didn't feel good. That was, unless I was daydreaming.
And they guilt i carried didn't help.
But in quitting I was now alone.
I'm still trying to figure how to deal with that.
While I still valued others, it all felt like I was just going through the motions.
Expecting one day they would all leave me and cut me off.
Until eventually I live in this house with terrible conditions and i daydream all day.
But for me this was a fantasy.
I think slightly more of myself now.
Theres no more daydreaming in my future I hope. And I think I want an okay house. And I think maybe I want to make sure I keep more hoarding in check. And I am not like my Aunt.
I sure do love her a lot, but I don't think she deserves to live like that.
And I'm trying really hard to not believe that myself. Though the truth is, I don't believe I'm deserving of anything. And I don't want anything.
My asks are so small.
And they shouldn't be. But I'm too scared to ask for the things I like.
Anyway.
I did something similar to what I did in 7th grade.
I had put the in my backpack. And then
Well I actually don't remember the rest.
Put cran-grape juice on the floor on purpose. Told my dad it was an accident and had him clean it.
Surprisingly the floor is not stained?
I left the In the backpack for weeks. That's disgusting.
I don't blame myself for it or anything. But it is.
2 notes · View notes
tullycicero · 1 month
Text
the funniest part of being in dark academia spaces etc online is that you do really begin to see how like fake all of it is when people are posting and reblogging pictures of your own university (and romanticising your own degree) and they've all just been... desaturated to high heaven like no the shortcut to your lectures doesn't look like that - nothing weirder than seeing people look up to what is essentially half of your life as an aesthetic pinnacle and meanwhile there you are doing studying the classics in an old british university and that is not the vibe
idk it just makes me laugh, seeing photos that can literally include the outside of my own student bedroom being romanticised when i can see very clearly that the sepia filter is blasted to 100 and there aren't tourists everywhere
8 notes · View notes
reel-fear · 6 months
Text
youtube
FUCK the graphic novel, this is what I'm watching when it comes out instead of buying it <3<3
19 notes · View notes
sorrowsaint · 4 months
Text
youtube
i like the kelp too
3 notes · View notes
milo-is-rambling · 1 year
Text
I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
5 notes · View notes
haeroniel-doliet · 2 years
Text
God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!
#haeroniel talks#forget the tag oh well#but for real. had 4 days off work and a ton of real life stuff i both have to get done and have been meaning to get done for a long time#ive pretty much only played video games and called my friends. genuinely not time wasted and i love when i get to do that#and like rn i would love to play more games and spend time with my friends like if one offers you know i never say no#but its also already getting dark and i have to go back to work tomorrow and ive not done everything i promised to have done yknow?#time doesnt feel real and i dont wanna get up even if the anxiety slowly builds to hopefully productive panic#but in the mean time im like ugghh i wanna stop laying around just playing sudoku and watching lame youtube. i wanna play something#(unclear what it is i actually wanna play too many options i kinda wanna play all of them and none huehheh)#im also very sad i havent drawn in ages and any attempt just feels shit. like maybe if i read enough fanfic thatll respark the love.#id love to post something before christmas to get me excited to draw again over the break but who the hell knows if i'll manage#and yeah still have the annoying job related/driving school related/therapy applying/other life admin that really really should be done#im just being grouchy and stuck and need to vent hi tumblr love you all kiss kiss i wish i could function better#i think maybe perhaps. ill concede that driving school and therapy arent priority (important but ive wasted ages on them already)#i think i can do work related things bc theyre sort of fun. i can use my parents help to whack through the life admin and then#maybe i can let myself spend the rest of the evening guilt free either calling my friends and/or playing or if im going totally w drawin
3 notes · View notes
arolesbianism · 4 months
Text
Every now and then I get haunted by my past as a dr fan because someone mentions it or smth and lemme tell you the worst case scenario is if they bring up v3 in an even slightly positive light because nothing will make me start giving a shit abt dr again except for my burning hatred of that damn game, I just spent like 30 minutes ranting to myself about how much of a nothing character Kokichi is in the bathroom after showering just to vent it out because if I don't rant abt v3 every now and then I'll explode and kill someone
#rat rambles#like I generally think I had a lot of dogshit takes and sucked ass at au making and character analysis back in my dr days#but like I still stand by most of my gripes with v3 even if my old rewrite concepts also sucked#look man those were dark times my previous main interest was cr and the one before that was hs#also I had never actually posted about my thoughts before so I was a bit trigger happy with saying shit with my full chest#Im still prone to having bad takes on things to be clear even with oni I had a lot of bad takes when I first got into it#tbf I was mostly trying to talk myself down from going deeper but I evidently failed. hard.#but yeah I should delete my old fandom blog became every day I see my old dr posts get notes and I die a bit more#oh wait one dr rewrite thing I still stand by is my humam chiaki shit I was onto smth#like I still agree human chiaki should have never existed but I also think her existing as an individual who was wildly different from#ai chiaki is deeply interesting and also leaves space for some fun fucked up tragedy shit for both chiaki's#like I still like a lot of my old ideas for my rewrite of that stuff especially likey characterization was off for most of the cast but I#was cooking with the basic concepts and narrative I <3 taking characters that ppl idolize post their death and shifting the narrative to#show that they weren't a hero nor could they ever have been they were just some guy who went through horrible shit and died miserable#its one of my favorite things to do in fiction even now so ofc Im still fond of my older stuff with it on some level#like mannn why did I have to go so hard on what ultimately amounted to an au character and proceed to drop the ball on everything else lol#anyways I need to sleep before I start talking abt chiaki more yall dont need to see that <3#I mean hey could be worse. I could start talking abt my old cr stuff. we'd be here for at least a week straight#my old cr stuff was mostly actually pretty good it simply makes me sad because I put so much work and effort and made some fantastic#pieces of worldbuilding and character concepts for a mobile cookie game that sucks absolute ass#I ofc will still happily recycle concepts from my old cr stuff but like so much of it is just impossible to remove from context its so sad#ok ok gn for realsies this time
1 note · View note
pathofelation · 5 months
Text
i keep remembering i'll be going into emergency medicine and i am filled with both so much joy and so much fear. like.. woah dude.. i was not expecting to get this far. you mean i'm really gonna do that? you mean i am given the privilege to help people like that? you mean i am given the chance to be in a position to serve my community and the people around me in such a tangible way? you mean the kid i never got to be would be happy to see me now? like woah.. hey there.. let me sit down for a second that's a lot.
ignore the essay i wrote in the tags. it's a night /humorous
#personal#<- might start tagging these. ok to rb/like/reply/etc it's mostly for me or filtering haha#going through a Lot right now#and. it's weird#i usually don't feel much. at all#my feelings have always been super duper diluted. especially positive ones.#anger is probably the Only feeling I've ever felt like. raw. burning. etc#hope is such a weird feeling#like. it's dull. but it's there#i don't think i have ever felt happy. like in a “my brain literally does not have the capacity for it” way#but i think this is the closest i have ever gotten#when i reflect on where i came vs where im going#its weird#you mean.. there's life after surviving??#nuts.#and it's like. weird. because i should be really really sad right now#for personal reasons#but it's like.#i don't know#it's weird#everything's kind of numb but not really in a bad way. per usual. but it feels like there's a glimmer of something different#you spend you're whole life in a dark tunnel waiting to see the light that you start to wonder if it's even real#if “light” is just some made up story. like the ones parents tell their kids to get them go ready easy at night#but you trudge forward despite for it. because if light is not real#then#well#maybe the concept of light itself is real enough as is#through the pursuit of happiness you will find happiness#sorry idk why im so. poetic tonight im kinda having a moment#tl;dr I've spent my whole life expecting to die imminently and I'm shocked to see that things can‚ do‚ and are getting better
0 notes
carrotpiss · 10 months
Text
This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading
#im just so completely miserable and exhausted and just angry with everything#gic has gone silent. im getting so stressed about the ethics of my top surgery fund because i dont know if its something i should be still#doing how long until they talk to me again if they do will the waitlists even be livable is it ethical is it worth it does anyone even have#the money to spare anyway to help before the endless nhs waitlist#why am i being left in the dark#im terrified that i dont know when my pap smear will be and that i have to go under anesthetic for it because i fucked up my own body by#being a pathetic cowardly idiot who is to stupid to exist like im supposed to so now im worth nothing and i cant navigate dating bc of it#bc it just makes me shut down immediately when i realise its something i do have to disclose because im shitty and broken and worthless#and i dont know whats happening and i dont want the smear anymore and the nhs sent me a terrifying letter saying im not a real person and i#predictabley got to scared to reply to so now i may have fucked up literally everything which is my fault but also why does the ngs not just#have a system that works and isnt briken just because im trans#and i jsut want to die i cant die but im jsut scared and i want to hide forver#i dont know whats happening with my job am i still getting paid will i get the November cost of living backpay will i get my pension refund#i jjst feel lost and pathetic and desperately clawing out for any vague threads of interest for sex and dating even though im as previously#mentioned in these tags not fit for that and should just die forever in box alone and aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj#I just want a hug for the next millennia#instead im kust fighting off thoughts about starving myself as punishment because i dont deserve to eat jm not worth the expense of my own#paycheck to buy food for not that it matters because im sick and getting sicker amyway and of course one of my moles is looking insanely#dodgey and ive had to book a doctor's appointment for it but its so tempting to kust ignofe it surely itd be better if it was cancer and#then j could just die amd people wouldnt blame me for being pathetic or whatever removing myself but sad and tragic for dying from something#scary or whatever the fuck im fully aware thats a fucked up thibg to be thinking im just a bit at amessy ends atm and j dont even have a#hot chubby dude or not dude to pretend is ever going yo be interested in me or whatever and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#dw to anyone reading this in the event someone is i wont remove myself im a huge coward and too lazy to do that#crouch speaks#and its only November! we still got winter to come!!!!! my favourite (sarcastic) time of the year that doesnt absolutely fuck with my head
0 notes
draconic-desire · 5 months
Note
Gosh i just loved your Sunday fic.. 😫
Im wondering what about a naive type darling? With so much isolation, it has made darling insecure. Darling thinks Sunday deserves a better woman and just ups and leaves Sunday when he isnt home. But ofc is soon found not long after 😋
ohhhh so personally i imagine this happening after sunday uses the harmony one too many times on poor reader…you never saw it coming, never would have thought sunday would hurt you despite being isolated for so long. any thoughts you had about escaping, even going outside to see friends, are obliterated. sunday becomes your whole world.
Yan!Sunday x Naive!Gn!Reader
Tumblr media
You’ve been standing in front of Sunday’s door, fist raised and poised to knock, for twenty minutes now.
For what feels like the millionth time, you lower your hand, worrying your lip.
He’s been in there all day. Sunday is a busy man, his schedule constantly filled with meetings and Family affairs, but never too occupied that he would ignore you for an entire day.
Your mind fears the worst; even those initial days of being drowned in the Harmony, before you realized Sunday was trying to help you adjust to your life with him, is preferable to this. Did you do something wrong? Who is he in there with? Is he ignoring you?
Has he…grown tired of you?
The mere thought chills your heart and fills your veins with ice as you take a step back, inhaling sharply.
The wooden door before you is polished to a fault, bright enough that you can see your faint outline. It bitterly reminds you of how inferior you are compared to him, a mere speck of dust, a fleeting shadow on the wall.
You start to spiral. Surely Sunday, the most handsome and sought after man in Penacony, could have his pick of anyone—so why would he settle on you? Why did he bring you here, trap you in this mansion, keep you by his side, if only to throw you away in the end?
Did he never love you?
Why does that thought hurt you so much?
Heart pounding and tears blurring your vision, you quickly turn and flee, your knock forgotten.
~*~
It has long grown dark on the streets of the Golden Hour.
The normally bustling city is slumbering, the only light provided by the plethora of flashing billboards that never sleep. The few individuals you have passed are either drunks stumbling home or the stray Intellitron. You’ve been walking aimlessly for hours, wiping away tears and fruitlessly searching for a way to escape to reality.
After all your time mulling in your sadness and insecurities, you have come to the conclusion that you should relieve Sunday of his care of you. He’s much better off without you, or rather with a better individual than you. He should be dating royalty, a celebrity, an angel. The type of person who would have knocked on that door, would have strutted confidently into his office and sat directly into his lap to—
Another pair of footsteps echo behind you.
You almost don’t hear them at first, but you most definitely see the haloed shadow on the wall in front of you.
“And where do you think you’re going, (Y/n)?”
You immediately freeze, your breathing becoming erratic and shallow. His voice sends little butterflies pounding against your chest, begging to fly to him.
“Do you really think this pathetic attempt to escape would succeed?” A hand wraps around your waist, spinning you around to meet golden eyes rimmed in violet. You expect them to be filled with anger, perhaps even loathing, but you’re shocked to discover they are brimming with nothing but thinly veiled panic.
His grip tightens when you don’t respond immediately. “Answer me, (Y/n).” His voice cracks as he says your name again. “Where have you been?”
Words clog in your throat. “I—I thought—you were—you didn’t want—”
“I’ve been searching everywhere for you. You weren’t thinking. I believed we had moved beyond your futile attempts to leave, that you understood that you are mine—”
“But what if I don’t deserve to be yours!”
The two of you freeze in the wake of your outburst. His breath hitches as you lower your head and whisper softly, “I thought you stopped loving me the same as I love you.”
For once, you’ve caught Sunday off guard. His beautiful gaze widens in shock as he truly takes in your form—shivering, tears rolling down your cheeks, nails digging into your palms—and realizes his mistake.
You left because you thought he didn’t want you.
The mere idea baffles him. Standing before him is the most beautiful individual he has ever seen. Every fiber of his being screams for him to lock you in a birdcage and throw away the key—you are a precious treasure, meant to sing only for him. He has created you to be the perfect devotee in his very image.
And all of his efforts have succeeded, because you said you loved him.
His anger and fear immediately melt into softness as he holds your face between both hands, his forehead lowered to press against yours. “Oh, darling, no. You cannot fathom the adoration I harbor for you, the multitude of praises I wish to preach each day in your name.”
His voice takes on a nearly holy reverence, but his eyes shine with an untamed desire. “There is nowhere you belong except for by my side. Finding you missing this evening nearly tore my heart out. You must never venture out again, do you understand, my precious dove?”
You sniff and lean into his touch, a smile parting the river of your tears. Yes, that’s right. That’s what the Harmony said before, too: your purpose is to please Sunday, to serve Sunday, to live for Sunday.
Why would you ever doubt his love?
Why would you ever want to leave him? What a silly idea.
You think you feel a tiny pull at the back of your mind, a hook that wants to tether you to reality. But a quick slash of a knife severs the line, leaving you floating in a sea of multicolored bliss.
“I’ll never doubt you again, Sunday. I love you.”
Sunday’s lips curl into a smirk as he lifts your chin and examines the rainbows dancing in your eyes. “I love you, too, (Y/n).”
2K notes · View notes
rafeandonlyrafe · 5 months
Text
your duke
Tumblr media
words: 4.7k
warnings: 18+ only!, smut, p in v sex, unprotected sex, mentions of having children, duke!rafe, 1800S au, royalty au, probably a lot of incorrect era things but idk! bear with me yall, maid!reader, implication of noncon but it is not actually described, r*pe aftermath, poisioning/murder, assassination plot, kinda angsty but happy ending, slowburn ish? i fell in love the way you fell asleep, slowly and then all at once
you are humming to yourself as you wipe down the surfaces off the room, collecting the nonexistent dust on your rag before turning your attention towards the bath, filling it with hot water, anticipating the dukes return.
you move onto the bed next, filled with extravagant silks and embroidered blankets. you make it perfectly, erasing any evidence that it was slept in only for the duke to create a mess when he comes back to his chambers.
you know you should feel lucky, getting to work in the palace with one of the kings closest friend and advisor, but it's tedious maid work, barely worth the couple gold coins you get at the end of every day.
you don't realize that the duke has entered until the door slams shut behind him, making you jump up, eyes wide as you turn and give him a quick bow, keeping your head down.
“good evening, duke cameron.”
“evening.” he addresses you back after a moment, allowing you to rise. you have to hold in a gasp, you always forget how beautiful the duke is.
“i filled the bath for you, sir.” you gesture your arm towards the bathroom. “i will take your garments for cleaning once you ready.”
“thank you, y/n.” the duke says, making your eyebrows rise. you have only been working for a couple weeks, and only recently got reassigned to the dukes room. you introduced yourself only once, and certainly expected him to instantly forget your name.
you watch as he goes behind the thick curtain into the bath, entering only when you hear him sink into the warm water with a satisfied groan.
you keep your eyes on the floor as you step around the corner just long enough to grab the clothing off the floor before fleeing with a bow to clean them.
you head to the lower levels of the palace, smiling at the other help that you see as you head towards the laundry room, quickly cleaning his clothes before hanging them on a line meant specifically for the duke.
“on your way back up to duke camerons?” the voice makes your back snap straight, turning to look at mrs. peregrine, her name living up to her hawkish features, a stern old woman but one to be admired for running the entirety of the background of the palace, coordinating maids and assistants, even running the kitchen with an iron fist.
“yes ma’am.” you nod.
“the king has requested that he receives a personal assistant.” she says, looking you up and down with a disapproving look in her brown eyes, so dark they almost appear black.
you wait patiently before she sighs. “my goodness girl, im offering you a promotion.”
“oh!” you raise your eyebrows, not expecting to move through the ranks so quickly. “yes, ma’am… what does being a personal assistant include?”
“you will bring up his meals, take requests and fill whatever he needs and… keep him satisfied.” you immediately understand the implication there, letting out a quick nod. she almost looks sad for a brief second before her features harden again. “get his dinner tray from the kitchen and bring it up immediately.”
you rush to the kitchen, grabbing the tray indicated for the duke. you hurry up the stairs, but are careful not to spill the plates loaded on the silver platter.
“dinner, sir.” you call with a knock, glad when instead of telling you to come inside that duke cameron opens the door for you. you set the tray down at his dining table. you wonder what the palace chambers of the king are like when a dukes looks like this.
“are you my assistant then y/n?” rafe asks, sitting down as you stand at the other side of the table, hands clasped together, waiting, but you're not sure what.
“yes sir.” you nod quickly. “anything you wish i am… here to serve.”
“are you hungry?” he asks, making you scrunch your brows together.
“what?” you know you shouldn't question what the duke says, but you surely must have heard him wrong.
“are you hungry? the kitchen always gives me more than i could ever eat.”
“oh- i- i am fine, sir. thank you.” you say, but your traitorous eyes betray you as you look at the food, bread smothered with butter, steak dripping with juice.
“no more with the sir, please.” he waves his hand. “makes me feel like my father. just call me rafe.”
you let a light laugh slip. duke cameron-rafe is remarkably young to have risen to the ranks so quickly. some even believe he is who the king will appoint if he doesn't produce an heir.
“and come sit down.” rafe kicks out the chair next to you. you step closer, easing yourself down into the wooden chair.
rafe takes one of the plates and loads a few things on it before setting it in front of you with one simple word. “eat.”
you're not going to argue with duke, and the meal is no doubt the most extravagant that you're ever going to get to taste, so you begin to eat, eyes widening when you taste the warm bread, so unlike the old stale loaf you get for cheap from the market.
rafe looks satisfied when your finished, pushing his cup of wine towards you to finish off.
“thank you, s-rafe.” you both smile.
“it's my pleasure.” rafe says, standing up and moving to flop down on his bed, placing his hand on his stomach. “so much good food.”
you bite your tongue, resisting the urge to say that there are people right outside the palace walls starving.
you quickly collect all of the silverware before placing the serving tray outside of the door to take back down to the kitchen later. maybe you'd even be able to sneak some more food now that you have access.
“what else can i do for you, sir?” you ask, looking out the window as the sky darkens. you wonder when you'll be dismissed now that you're an assistant to a duke, not just a lowly maid.
“come here.” he calls, eyes now closed as he lays on the bed.
you move quickly, putting your shame to the side. you know what is being requested of you now as you step to the edge of the bed, looking down rafes body until you are staring at his crotch. your hands reach cautiously until you cant wait any longer, grabbing the hem of his pants.
the dukes eyes pop open, pushing your fingers away. “what are you doing?”
“i-i am so sorry, sir!” you take a step back before sinking to your knees, bending your head down. “i thought you wanted to receive your… your nightly pleasures.”
you keep your eyes trained on the plush rug, but you can hear that rafe has moved to stand directly in front of you.
“you are not a whore.” his words are harsh for a moment, but then he kneels down next to you, his fingers touching under your chin and forcing you to look up at him. “i do not expect you to do anything for me that you do not want to.”
“sir, it's included in being your assistant.” you explain.
“i will not ask you to do anything lewd, understood?” he asks, holding your eye until you nod.
“you… you are a good man.” you say, letting him take your hand to help you stand, your dress falling back around your ankles.
“if only.” he looks into the distance for a moment before shaking his head. “you're dismissed.”
“yes sir.” you lower your head, rushing out of the room.
-- two weeks later --
“would you ask the kitchen for chicken today?” the duke asks as you adjust his outfit, quickly learning his tastes as you fold his collar down.
“roasted?” you question, smiling when rafe shakes his head.
“and make sure you tell them i want lunch too.” you know exactly what the duke means. he will no doubt be eating with the king, but he wants you to get food from the kitchen for yourself. you would refuse, but it gives you something to do as you wait around in his chambers, waiting to be called on.
“yes, sir.” you nod before leading him to the door, opening up the door with a bow as he goes to yet another meeting. he seems to always be involved. you don't know his personal politics, but from the way he treats you, you're sure he must be a good man.
you spend some time cleaning as you wait for rafe to return, as well as getting lunch and wandering the hallways, seeing how far you can go without seeing anyone.
you are relieved when time rolls around for you to draw a bath for the duke, excited to see him.
the door opens as you turn with a smile. “good evening, rafe. how was your day?”
“busy.” he admits with a sigh. you can tell he looks tired. “is the bath ready?”
“yes, sir.” you say, not able to always resist the formalities.
rafe nods, walking past you but not before laying a hand on your shoulder, giving it a light squeeze as a thank you, like he is too tired to even say the words.
you wait to hear the water before stepping in to get his clothes.
“y/n.” rafe says.
“yes sir?” you ask, keeping your eyes cast downward.
“would you… would you massage my shoulders and head? please.”
“of course.” you drag a stool towards the edge of the bath, glad to see the water is still steaming, no doubt relaxing rafe. you keep your eyes firmly away from lower down his body as you rub over his scalp and shoulders, working out the kinks in his neck.
you're almost sure that rafe has fallen asleep as you continue to massage, unable to resist as you lean in and take a small inhale, smelling his unique scent that is near intoxicating. you wish his room smelled more of him and less like you, it seems like he never gets to relax unless it's to sleep.
“why are you always so busy, sir?” you ask seriously. “the other dukes spend half the nights on the town and the other half at their summer houses. you work yourself to death.”
“for good reason.” he simply says. you sigh, you're not going to get anymore than that.
-- three months later --
“would you go to albion with me?” the duke asks, your eyes widening as you almost choke on the perfectly buttered biscuit you have in your mouth.
“of course!” you nod. “ive never left the city before.” you long to see the countryside, and even if you are going as an assistant, you would never turn down the opportunity.
“never?” he raises an eyebrow. “not even as a child?”
“no.” you shake your head. “i had to work ever since i was a young girl.”
“it's a shame.” the duke says. “you aren't like the others…”
“what do you mean?” you question, taking a timid bite of the roast chicken.
“like the people i see sleeping on the streets. you have manners, you work hard… you're beautiful.”
you can feel your cheeks blush bright red. “why thank you.”
“this is when you pay me a compliment back.” he smirks, using the charm he is so well known for.
“you are… very handsome.” you say before taking a quick sip of wine.
“come on, anything specific?”
you know exactly what you are going to say. “your eyes.” you quickly attest. “they're… they're enchanting. i imagine they are what the sea looks like.”
the duke smiles, blue eyes sparkling like the sun reflecting off the waves, and you swear you could melt right there in your seat.
-- one week later --
“is this your first time in a carriage?” the duke asks as the coachman reaches his hand out to help you into the small enclosed area.
“yes.” you nod, taking in the plush seats before sitting down, rafe sitting across from you.
“im glad i get to show you this then.” rafe says with a light smile, opening up the windows to allow you to look out as the horse begins to clop through the city streets.
you watch with excitement as the cobblestone roads turn to dirt and stone paths, brick buildings being replaced by rolling hills, crops, and distant farmhouses.
you chat with the duke throughout your travels, his smile growing whenever you point out something out of the window, loving your excitement when you come across a heard of cows, or cross over a wooden bridge.
“i want to show you everything.” rafe mumbles unders his breath, realizing in that moment how deep he is in.
its only a few more hours before you arrive at albion. your duties are much the same when at the kings palace, retreating quickly to make the dukes room just as he pleases, even adjusting the pillows to how you always find them in the morning.
you explore the help areas of the albion manor, glancing into the various rooms as you learn the layout, since the duke does intend to stay for two nights.
“exploring, are we?” rafes voice makes you jump as you turn suddenly.
“please excuse me.” you bow down when you realize duke cameron is with the duke of albion.
“is this your wife, duke cameron?” he asks, looking over you and your curtsey.
“why, no.” you can tell from rafes voice that he is delighted by the question. “though you would never guess it, she is my maid.”
“such a gorgeous maid.” you can hear them step closer, but you keep your head turned down until the duke of albion clears his throat and you stand.
you can see that rafes face has changed from a smile to cautious displeasure as the duke looks you up and down, a jeer taking over his face.
“she is a wonderful maid. a great conversationalist, too. she rode the entire way in my carriage and i was not once bored.”
“can she dance?” the duke of albion asks.
“ask the lady yourself.” rafe turns to look at you, nodding encouragingly.
“i have not danced since i was a child.” you say, keeping your voice quiet and soft. you know that there are dukes out there sick on power, and you're not sure the duke of albion is one of the good ones like your duke cameron.
“well, we must change that, shouldn't we duke cameron?” he turns to look at rafe, who nods. “invite her to the ball tomorrow night.” it's all he has to say before walking away. you let out a breath of relief once he turns down a hallway.
“you don't have to go to the ball if you don't want to.” rafe says as you begin to walk towards his room. you stay a step behind him like a proper maid. “i will make up an excuse for you if you wish, but…” rafe pushes the door open, allowing you to enter the chambers first. “if you want to don a pretty dress and arrive on my arm, i will not deny you the chance.”
“i would love to. as long as i only have to dance with you.” you can't imagine being passed off to random men.
your duke smiles at you before nodding, setting down at the dining table, where food must have been recently delivered as he portions some out for you.
“where are you to sleep?” he asks as you begin to eat.
“i visited the helps chambers already, i will sleep in a cot there.”
rafe frowns. “a cot? that is unacceptable.”
“it's just as nice as the one i have at home.” you admit with a casual shrug.
“you do not own a bed in your house?” rafe questions. he's never thought too much about your living situation before.
“i rent a room.” you say simply. “i don't even have a house or a whole apartment to myself.”
rafe is quiet until you're both done eating, seemingly deep in thought.
“you are sleeping in the bed tonight and i shall sleep on the settee. and we shall find new living arrangements for you when we return to the palace.”
“sir-”
“there will be no arguments.” he says, with a tone of authority you've never heard before. your mouth zips shut.
--
“im afraid im going to be sick.” you press your hand to the front of your dress, a soft pink fabric that must be more than your entire yearly salary for just have the material of the gown.
the duke of albion sent a few different options. they're clearly old dresses from maybe his wife or other manor women. you even made an attempt to do your hair rather than just pull it back into a bun or braid like you often do.
“you look beautiful.” rafe squeezes your hand. “and you have nothing to be nervous about. i will not leave your side.”
rafe waits for you to nod before stepping through the doors. he would turn back and take you back to his chambers if you were truly too nervous, social consequences be damned. rafe couldn't care less about his place in society, not when he knows he's been written into the kings will to take over the crown if he doesn't produce an heir with his wife before his death.
you're glad people are paying more attention to rafe than the women on his arm as he leads you around the room, greeting people and introducing you simply as lady y/n, not mentioning that you are his maid and assistant.
you watch a few dances with fascination, the twirling skirts of the women far more appealing then the men.
“want to try the dance floor?” he asks, squeezing your hand gently.
“yes.” you say honestly. you weren't sure, but to look into rafes eyes while the band plays is too tempting.
rafe leads you towards the center of the room, thankful the dance has already been done once, as you mostly remember the moves as he leads you through it, a wide smile on your face.
-- one week later --
“is everything moved?” rafe asks as he enters the room, eyes widening when he realizes it's been completely stripped, even the curtain separating the living area and bathroom has been taken down.
“yes.” you nod. “mrs. peregrine said there is no one else moving into this room, so.” you shrug. you feel a little sad about leaving the chambers that you've grown so close to rafe in, but he himself requested a bigger chamber. he must not ask for much, because the king quickly accepted his request.
two beds. you walk up one more flight of stairs to the newer bedrooms, family chambers for those who live inside the palace with their children, or for those who will have their maid live with them like rafe.
“no more cots for you.” rafe says as you enter the room. you can't help yourself, tearing up when you see your bed. yours. 
“good tears?” rafe confirms before pulling you in for a hug. the touching may be frowned on by society, but you find comfort and familiarity in his hold, having grown so close over the past months.
--
you are humming softly with a smile on your face as you bring down rafes laundry, the last task for the night before also retreating to your bedroom.
“y/n.” mrs peregrine says, her hawk eyes landing on you and the bundle of clothing in your arms.
“yes ma’am?”
“the king has requested a new maid for the night. he wants someone young. go.”
it takes a second for her words to process before you realize what she's asking for.
“i-”
“you can go back to duke cameron in the morning, he wants someone new for the night. go. now.”
you drop the laundry, considering running. either out of the palace or back to rafe, but mrs. peregrine follows behind you like she can read your thoughts until you're standing in front of the door to the kings chambers. you can hear lewd noises from behind the carved wood, the golden handle gleaming.
mrs. peregrine grabs and turns it before pushing you in.
“ah, a new one!” the king grunts, a mess of bare skin taking up the massive bed. “get over here!”
--
“where were you?” rafe asks, grasping your shoulders the second you enter the chambers, the morning sun not even rising yet, having fled the second the kings head hit the pillow.
you open your mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a loud sob as you lean forward, burying your face into his chest. 
“shh, shh.” rafe wraps his arms around you, letting you cry into his chest as his hand strokes gently up and down your back. “i got you. you're okay.”
he leads you over towards the beds, bypassing your own and taking you to sit on his, arms still holding you comfortingly.
“i-i had to go to the kings chambers.” you swallow thickly, glad you don't have to explain any more as rafes face turns to one of anger.
“the king disrespected you. he disrespected me. and he disrespected his wife. something will be done about it.”
you're not sure what your duke has planned, but you trust him.
--
rafe watches with anticipation. he planned to wait another couple months, to build up the tolerance of the kings food taster to the poison he's been slipping in, but after what you were subjected to, he will wait no longer.
every meal the taster ate outside of testing the kings food has had slowly increasing amounts of poison in it. he hadn't quite reached lethal yet, but rafe hopes he will at least last long enough for the king to eat before showing any signs of sickness.
rafe watches with anticipation, barely touching his own food as the taster tries everything. a bite of mashed potatoes, of chicken, and so on before nodding and passing the plate to the king.
he's too cocky for his own good, not even waiting for a minute to see if the taster has a bad reaction before eating, sure that he was too untouchable.
rafe hides his smile when the kings face turns pale, sputtering before falling face forward into the mashed potatoes, knocked out dead.
--
the palace is in an uproar. you were waiting for rafe to return to the chambers from his dinner with the king and other dukes when someone bursts in.
“the king is dead. duke cameron is now the king. come now.”
you hesitate before they rush out of the room. your feet move before your mind does, rushing after what you must assume is an advisor.
you hear loud crying, desperately sad, heartbreaking screams as you're lead to the kings chambers. your eyes widen when you see the former queen being dragged out, mourning with loud sobs the loss of her husband and title.
“king cameron is waiting for you inside.”
you walk in, surprised when the door swing shuts behind you. you look around the grand space, not having truly taken it in the time the king had you brought in.
“rafe-” you run to him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. he's stood near where the bed used to be. it must have been his first order, to have the very bed you were disrespected in taken out of the chambers. you hope it gets burned.
“i did it for you. for us.” rafe holds you close as it sinks in. rafe killed the king.
“i want you to be my queen.” rafe pulls away to look you in the eye. “i want you to be my wife.”
“i-” 
“the former queen is pregnant. hopefully with a boy. we will rule until he is 13 then vacate the throne. we can go to the countryside, i can give you the life you deserve-”
you cut rafe off by pressing your lips against his. he hesitates for a split second before kissing back, holding you even tighter to him.
“id be honored to be your wife.” you whisper against his lips. “i love you.”
“i love you so much.” rafes tongue slips into your mouth, distracting you from thinking too hard as he kisses you, your bodies turning warm as he leads you towards the couch, laying you down on your back as he hovers over you, not allowing your lips to seperate.
“we will…” rafe gasps out, pausing his words to kiss you again. “we will rule. we will amass wealth. we will retire with our money to the countryside.” rafe squeezes your waist. “we will have as many children as you want. none, if you want. anything for you, my soon to be queen.”
“i never thought id be able to have kids.” you sniffle. “you've given me so much.”
you reach up to take rafes face in your hands, rubbing your thumbs over his cheeks before pulling him down for a kiss.
“i love you.” you kiss him over and over. “i want you.”
“now?” rafe looks down at you. “are you sure?”
“yes, please.” you kiss him again. “replace my bad memories with a good one.”
rafe moves slowly, carefully undoing your dress until you're in just your underclothes. he continues to kiss you before turning the attention to himself, taking off his layers until he's in just underpants.
you run your hands up and down over his chest, lifting your hips as he tugs your final layer off.
rafe pulls away from the kiss to look down at your body. a smile spreads over his face before slinking down the couch he grasps your chest in his hands, cupping your breasts.
“i should have had them bring in a new bed first.” he chuckles, pressing his hips down into your thigh, allowing you to feel his length through his underpants.
“i need you now. please.” you whimper out. rafe smiles, unable to keep the grin off his face since his plan succeeded and he finally admitted his feelings to you.
“you never have to beg me for anything, my queen.” rafe says, pulling his final layer off. “you're never going to go without ever again.”
you feel tears well in your eyes as rafe lines himself up with your entrance, sinking deep into you as you both moan out. 
“i love you.” you whisper again, needing to tell him as many times as you possibly can.
rafe presses his lips over each over your eyelids, kissing away your tears.
-- 14 years later -- 
“it's everything i imagined and more.” you smile to your husband, having just returned from the tour of the vast gardens.
“nothing but the best for you, my love.” rafe spent years looking for the perfect retirement property as the new king grew up until he was of age to take over the title.
you push the hair back out of rafes face, admiring his features. there's a few increased lines on his face from the age and the stress of the crown, but the twinkle in his eye is all the same.
“i was thinking once we settle down here i will take you on a vacation to see the ocean. then we can get started on making those babies i promised you.”
“why not start now?” you smile, turning towards your bedroom as rafe quickly follows behind, the halls filling with warm laughter, much to the staffs relief, glad to have a happy couple as the new duke and duchess.
rafe closes and locks the bedroom door behind you, the curtains and windows open, letting in the clean country air, so different from the city that you've finally escaped.
“how many babies do you want?” rafe asks, pushing up the bottom of your linen dress up to reveal that you aren't wearing anything underneath, much to rafes appreciation.
“hmm.” you hum out as rafe tugs his pants down. “two boys, two girls?”
“i like the way you think.” rafe smiles, pressing a kiss your lips. “my queen. you'll always-” another kiss. “be my queen.”
taglist (please let me know if it doesnt work idk why people arent being notified): @drewstarkeyslut @forstarkey @f4ll-for-you @dilvcv @drudyslut @jjmaybankswifes-blog @rafescokenostril @jjsmarijuana @seeingstarks @angelofcigs @cece45450 @babygorewhore @vanessa-rafesgirl @michelleisheres-blog @outerbankspov @drewstarkeyswifehoe @cutielando @sourkittie @rafeyslove @rafeinterlude @bellbottombaby @deeaardiary @rubixgsworld @wearemadeofstardust0 @leighbronk @starkeysheart @pradabambie @tobesolovelysstuff @alexiskirkland @rafestar @brioffthegrid @juniebugg @magicalyoura @cokepewpsii @mysticallystilinski @luvdella @aerangi @vogueprincess @auryyz @raysmayhem-72 @thestarlithideout @marvelfanfics1recs @rafesgiirl @ditzyzombiesblog @chiaraanatra @tobiaslut @drewsephrry @1aarii1
958 notes · View notes
winterzsurprise · 1 year
Text
Take a seat || Miguel O'hara
Tumblr media
Pairing: Miguel O'hara x F!reader
Summary: Never in your wildest dream did you imagine having your husband ask you to sit on his face.
Tags: Face sitting, multiple orgasms, vaginal fingering, overstimulation, smut, NOT BETA READ.
Words: 1.2k
saw someone plead for this one lmao. They asked so nicely so I delivered, idk if this is how it usually goes tbh. This shit's so rushed but I guess I have to squeeze everything out before school starts again tomorrow aaaaaaaaaa
other than that, enjoy! Thank you all for your love on my fics aaaaaaaaaa im running out of header pics da;flkhwah
mi vida - my life || dios mio - my god || mi bella esposa - my beautiful wife || cariño - honey
“You want me to do what now?”
Miguel sighed exasperatedly as he facepalmed, embarrassed. “Don’t make me repeat mys—”
“No no no, I heard you loud and clear.” Which doesn’t mean you understand why all of a sudden. “But why?”
“Should I have any reason why I want you to sit on my face?”
In a gazillion universe, you’d never thought you’d hear those words come out of his lips. Sitting on his lap, you stared at the man incredulously to which he scowled at.
Usually, oral between you both are usually done with you underneath him as he pinned your thighs open and wide for him since he likes the control. To hear him ask you to sit on his face mid-foreplay shocked you.
You pinched your thigh, unconvinced by his sudden change of mind and Miguel sighed once more.
“Is it that hard to believe? Dios mio, if you don’t want to do it, just say it—”
“No no no, lay back down, I’m just processing.”
Excitement thrummed madly in your veins as you pushed the man back into the mattress. Excitement got you removing your underwear in a second before sitting back on his chest. It’s not fast enough apparently, when his strong arms hook under your legs and pull you directly on top of his lips.
Your breath got stuck into your throat. The mere feeling of his hot breath on your skin caused ripples of heat from your abdomen to your fingertips. You’ve always had orals before, it was something he’d never forget, yet there was something about sitting on top of his face that got you aroused more than ever.
“Go any slower and I would’ve thought you’d want to back out.”
“Not my fault. You’re so impatient.”
“A pretty girl sat on top of me, naked and wet, begging to be devoured. Do you think I’d ignore you, mi bella esposa?”
His dark voice, along with his fogged red eyes staring at you through his eyelash sent shivers down your spine, cheeks flushing beet red. You almost slapped the growing smirk off of his face at your flustered state.
“You’re so annoying.”
“And you smell absolutely delicious.”
His arms locked around your thighs and you immediately knew you were done.
His tongue felt like silk gliding through your folds before rolling your clit in figures of eight. You sighed, throwing your head back as pleasure slithered down your spine at his every exhale fanning your skin. 
There was something about the stings his stubbles brings as it scratches your skin along with the stimulation of his tongue that drive you crazy. 
You swear you’re not a masochist by any means, yet when it comes to Miguel, every joy, sadness, pain and pleasure felt like a reward from the high heavens that you couldn’t help but accept with gratitude.
Your hand found stability in his dark locks, pulling and tugging his head closer to your heat, causing him to groan, the vibration seeping into your bones.
His hands roamed your body as if desperate to find a treasure in the unknown, nails dragging the skin from your back and down to the globes of your ass. The sting they left in their wake stirs your nerves awake, the pain mixing in with pleasure. You sighed, falling to lean on the piles of pillows as you dragged your clit with the point of his tongue.
Miguel wandered lower, tongue rolling around the rim of your entrance, sending electric jolts down your legs. You shivered as the sensation of his fangs rubbing against your folds, always so close yet so far away.
You gasped when the appendage plunged into your entrance, his large nose pushing into your clit as he pulled you closer to his face.
“Fuck…!”
“You taste divine.” He groaned. “Give me more.”
Bringing his hand down hard onto your ass, you whined. The stinging pain it left had your body singing for more and you knew Miguel was aware of the effect it has on you with how hard you clench on his silky appendage.
“Move.”
“Huh?”
Another sharp slap echoed in the living room, harder than the one earlier and you cried, hips stuttering forward on his flattened tongue.
“Ride me, cariño. Like you’ve always wanted.”
And you swear you’ve never heard anything more romantic than that.
With a smidge of hesitance, fearing you’d suffocate him, you rolled yourself on his tongue, eyes locked onto his darkened ones that dripped with desire. Still unsatisfied, his hand lands another hit on your skin and you move more desperately against him.
You cry as he starts to pick up the pace of his tongue, putting pressure onto your bead and shaking his head aggressively underneath you. He swats you once more when your hips stutter from the stimulation before clawing your flesh and grounding you further into his mouth.
“Harder.”
“I’m trying—Ah!”
Sneaking a hand below, he immediately inserts two digits inside of you. He spared no time hastening the speed of his thrusts while licking enthusiastically onto your clit making your eyes roll back.
Chasing the pleasure his fingers and mouth offered you, your hips rolled uncontrollably against his face. The obscene squelch echoing in the room would have embarrassed you, yet you couldn’t find it in you to flush.
The tight knot in your abdomen tightens as heat explodes from your chest and reaches down the tips of your limbs. You couldn’t do anything but cry as you tether closer to nirvana.
“I-I’m close.”
“Come for me, mi vida. Give it to me. I want it all.”
With his grounding arm reaching up to rake through your back along with his fingers and tongue, the knot unfurls and you come with a cry. 
Suddenly, he had both arms wrapped around your waist, preventing you from fluttering away from his ministrations. You gasped and pushed at his head but he paid no heed to them, rolling and shaking his tongue onto your clit as if trying to coax another climax from you.
“Miguel…!”
His nails digging into your flesh was the only answer you received and maybe the tug on his lips at your trembling thighs as well. It didn’t take long before pain started to blur with pleasure and your hips rocked against his tongue despite the protest of your heat with one hand tugging on his hair and the other holding on for dear life onto the headboard.
You didn’t have the mind to worry about his nose being blocked by your mon pubis, focused solely on your orgasm. With how he ground your hips onto his lips, you knew he didn’t mind.
And with a weak shout, you unravel, flesh and bones, on top of him. There’s a sound of something breaking in the haze, but paid no heed to it as you fall bonelessly onto the mattress. Miguel pulls away, gasping for air just as you turn to face the ceiling.
Your arousal drenching his face evoked something feral within you, the simmering desire in your stomach stirring awake once more. His eyes turned to the headboard and chuckled, reaching over to run his fingers over the dent with amusement dancing in his eyes.
“I guess a Spider-Man will always be a Spider-Man.”
“Oh shut up.” You groaned, chucking a pillow on his face.
6K notes · View notes
mxdotpng · 2 years
Text
sometimes i forget other people are lucky enough to have memories. i just dont remember. anything. and its hard to feel sad about it because i cant remember what im supposed to be sad about.
#it is hard to describe the way i think or feel emotions sometimes because i dont feel them right i think.#i dont have any memories. and i feel like i should be sad about it. and i am sometimes#like when my friends start talking mid convo abt their childhoods or their school years and theyre all telling stories for each other#and theyre getting closer or relating to each other. i cannot share much because i dont. have those memories#i just have. like. facts. things i Know. but dont remember learning#like. i had a teacher in middle school who loved frozen. he would give us olaf themed assignments at winter.#but. i dont remember getting them or what they were or where we were. i dont remember what be or my classmates looked like.#i dont remember the day or the week or the month or what period i had him on. i dont remember the Moment.#i just know it was something that happened.#its. like.#its like. if you were to open a book and close your eyes. you know the paper is there. you can feel it.#you know there are words there. because it is a book.#but you dont know what color the paper is or what the words say. your eyes are closed so you dont know#where you are or who is with you. you dont know what youre feeling because youre sitting in the dark. so there is nothing to feel.#you know you are holding a book. you know it is a book because of the paper. you know it has words because it is a book.#but thats it. thats it. thats all. there is nothing else. just the darkness#and what you Know as fact.#and im just. i dont know what im missing. because i cant remember. so what is there to be sad about.#[euden face] i dont know...#.text
1 note · View note
disneyprincemuke · 4 months
Text
you don't get to tell me about sad * fem!driver
outtakes of her year that i didn't know where to fit lol so this is the last(ish) angst installment
pairings: sebastian vettel x fem!driver, max verstappen x fem!driver
notes: iM BACK BABYYY
(series masterlist) | (📂 2025: fall from grace)
(prev)
Tumblr media
so she runs from her garage again. just another weekend where everything has skewed from what was discussed and there is no reasoning to be done.
she finished the race damn near last over a pitstop that ran longer than it should have.
the minute sebastian could not spew an excuse she would hear out was the minute she stopped listening to him during the race. and honestly, it was the only way she could salvage not finishing last of the pack.
“let’s talk about it,” sebastian says, hurriedly chasing her down as she storms into the racing home, her presence immediately silencing the chatter in the room. “let me talk you through what happened. it’s not your fault.”
“i know it’s not!” her distress is made known, echoing in the air of the room. she stops in her tracks and turns to face sebastian still by the door, flinching back. “how could that be my fault? i was doing my end of the bargain as a driver!”
he takes a deep breath. “rocky, just listen to me, okay?”
“it’s not fair! none of this weekend was my fault!” she shrieks, turning back around and trudging up the stairs loudly. “the team fucked me over, that’s what happened! i can’t possibly think of a reason you could come up with to excuse what happened!”
“i’m not excusing it, i’m just–”
“oh, god, sebastian!” she stomps her foot on the ground to demand sebastian’s attention. which surprisingly works. “just admit it — the team fucked me over. point blank period, that’s literally what happened.”
sebastian sucks in a deep breath. “yes, we did. and we’re extremely sorry. but–”
“’but’ again,” she laughs dryly, rolling her eyes. she makes a sharp turn for her driver’s room and holds a hand up to stop the step he tries to take towards her. “take your apology to the headlines being drafted about me as we go in circles over this, sebastian.”
Tumblr media
“you know i’m not breaking up with you,” matt says amidst the silence that they’ve been sitting in as he packs his bag. “i just need a break.”
“from me,” she points out shakily, dropping her head low.
“from this cycle.” he lifts his head and sits back to look at her.
she sits on the edge of her bed, feet hovering slightly over the floor. she watches her feet swing slightly, counting in her head, desperate not to lose the last remaining sanity she feels she has.
initially, she sat in the vacant room in tears, refusing to watch him pack up to leave her all alone in her apartment. she wallowed in her woes in a dark corner before she eventually dragged herself back into her bedroom.
she’s been sitting here watching him in silence ever since, trying to find the words in her head to say something to him.
maybe he’ll change his mind; maybe he’ll stay if she says the right thing.
“yeah, i get that.”
“i don’t think you do.” he stands from his position on the ground and walks over to her on the bed. he takes the empty spot next to her, resting his hand above hers that grips the mattress tightly. he feels her grip loosen slightly. “i still love you, bub.”
she shakes her head with a sigh. “i would have stopped a long time ago if i were you. i’m not very nice.”
“it doesn’t work like that,” he squeezes her hand, “you’re having a hard time. i get that and it’s okay. but i want you to want the help i’m giving you. i’m not going to force it on you if you’re just going to keep pushing me away when i try.”
“i don’t know why i keep doing that,” she admits with a scoff. she drops her back on the bed behind her and looks up at the ceiling of her bedroom. “i’m not usually like this, i promise. i’m better than this.”
“i know.” matt mirrors her actions and drops himself on the mattress.
she wants to say she’s sorry and that she’s thankful for him sticking around longer than he had to. it’s at the edge of her tongue but she simply cannot get herself to admit that she’s wrong. that perhaps this time, someone is finally right about her.
“do you, really?” she hums, “i’m the worst.”
“i think you should give yourself a little more credit,” he sighs, reaching out for her hand again. this time, she moves her hand away before he can grab it. “i’ll come home soon, okay? i’ll come back for you, i promise.”
Tumblr media
she repeats in her head the gameplan she’d drafted with sebastian. the one that seemed so foolproof all weekend that made her believe she could turn it all around.
instead, she’s standing on the grass next to her wrecked car, another unfortunate mishap she’s sure would make her talk of the town again.
she puts her hands on her hips as her eyes trail over to her blown tyre. then she remembers that her crash wasn’t caused all by herself.
“are you alright?” charles asks softly, slowly approaching her as he takes his helmet off. “unlucky weekend.”
she glances over her shoulder where he approaches her. she forces a small grin to her face and tries to wave his concerns away. “i’m fine.”
her chest starts to hurt slightly, tears prickling at her eyes.
this is not the time and place to be breaking down. especially not at someone like charles because surely, something went wrong with her that caused this.
“it’s my fau–”
surely, it can’t be his fault. there’s no way that the person she’s looked up could cause this crash.
but there’s also a voice in her head telling her to believe charles. he wouldn’t be apologising if he didn’t actually think that he caused it.
“unfortunate,” she chuckles. she swallows the scream threatening to make itself known and shrugs at charles. “i’ll see you in the paddocks, mate.”
Tumblr media
“thought i might find you here.”
“fuck off, max.”
the older driver laughs, walking over to her with hands in the pocket of his jeans. he drops himself on the little platform she’s resting on.
“everyone’s looking for you,” max chuckles, innocently taking a sip from his water bottle. “i heard seb panicking and sending out a search party to get you.”
“i know,” she snorts, “i heard him screaming and delegating people to find me.”
the only reason max knew where to find her is because he is the one who introduced her to this place. he had found her holding her tears in at some point last season walking around the paddocks and he whisked her away without another word.
it’s a pretty obscure location in the paddocks, one that max often resided in when it got too chaotic and loud. she’s the only one he’s ever given this sort of information to.
“how’s everything?” he asks with a sigh, leaning back on the wall behind them. “matt flew back to the states already?”
she nods and drops her head, picking at the grass beneath them. while she truly tried to keep her problems to herself, max approached her a week prior when he saw her entering the paddocks all by herself.
he had asked why the man, typically found on her arm every race weekend, was not with her today.
she softly admitted that they’re on a break, prompted by her reactionary behaviour from how her year is going so far. still, she tries to keep the confession minimal.
it’s hard enough to watch your boyfriend pack his things in silence to leave you behind. it’s even harder to admit that there’s nobody else to blame but yourself.
her mishaps every weekend on the paddocks, she can point all the fingers she wants. but when it came to her matt, there was nobody else she could pin it on. there were 2 people in that relationship and she knows that she’s the one that’s burned it down.
“i’m so sorry,” max sighs, resting his cheek in his hand. he props his elbow on his knee as she leans forward. “that must be really hard for you.”
she shrugs. it’s really not that big of a deal. or, at least, it shouldn’t be to somebody else in a happy relationship of his own. “it’s my fault, anyway. i don’t blame him.”
“you can still be upset about it,” he mutters. “i know you love him, so i don’t imagine any of this is making you feel better at all.” he puts a hand on her back and rubs circles, something he honestly wishes someone had done for him when he was younger. “it’s just me, mate.”
“it’s alright, but thanks for trying to be there for me,” she grimaces, turning momentarily to give him a small smile. “but i don’t reckon i get to feel bad for deliberately pushing him over the edge.”
Tumblr media
she’d been fine all day. she thought she was genuinely getting better: she’d even gone for a walk in the sun and felt enlightened most of the hours she’d been awake.
that was until she had sat down at her dining table with dinner, consumed whole by the silence and emptiness of her apartment. without understanding why, she lost her appetite as her stomach started to churn.
her heart feels like it’s skipping beats from how unwell she suddenly felt.
she finds herself on the floor of her bedroom, phone pressed up against her ear as the ringing pulls her in and out of her trance.
her world has spinning for the better part of 5 minutes, her chest feeling like it’s closing in on itself and the framed picture in her peripheral vision taunts her.
there’s no climbing out of this rut; she’s almost sure she will be stuck in here forever. she either lives with the fact that she’s a failure or it’ll someday kill her.
“hello? is this really you?”
tears she hadn’t realised were there start to fall out of her eyes. the sob she didn’t know she had in her throat fills the room as she drops her head into her other hand.
“i don’t know why i called,” she pauses with a soft sob, “sorry, i should go.”
“no,” a firm voice demands, “just stay on the line.”
“okay.”
she had just spoken with matt this morning, on a short 5-minute welfare check video call. she told him she was feeling slightly better with the biggest smile on her face.
now she doubts herself if she’d even meant it. if she was truly better, she wouldn’t be here on the floor feeling worse than when she woke up this morning.
going backwards isn’t supposed to be the way she’s going.
it’s always forward. if there’s no progress towards the betterment of her situation, then she’s simply not trying hard enough.
she should try harder. it’s the only way.
“hey,” matt coos softly to catch her attention. “if you need me there, just say the word. i’ll come home.”
she wants to say yes. she even wants to break into a louder sob and admit that she misses him; probably might even be going crazy without his presence as of late.
she hasn’t got anything figured out.
but instead, she says, “i’ll be okay.”
Tumblr media
being alone in her hotel room is the last thing she wanted for herself, the silence too overbearing for her to handle. though asking to hang out with her friends she watched leave together to get dinner wasn’t an option either.
so she opted to lock herself in her driver’s room until someone chases her out. perhaps she’ll sleep over without anybody finding out.
she’d coddled herself up in her beanbag under a blanket, reading away furiously on the things people said about her.
sure, she shouldn’t be on these sites speaking ill of her, but there’s nobody to stop her. she’s fallen down the rabbit hole of everyone’s opinions of her once more and she can’t seem to stop.
she’s stooped even lower this time: she’s on social media reading what the public has to say about her.
it’s not just about whoever in the industry is saying now.
she never tried to let anyone’s opinion of her, in forms of tweets and social media posts, get to her much.
but a post highlighting about the two mere instances where she had unintentionally lashed out on matt in the paddocks did it for her. and the one time she had a disagreement with sebastian in her racing home after a pitstop mishap.
“for fuck’s sake,” she cries, throwing the blanket off her.
she can’t throw her ipad. she starts to heave, feeling it all coming down on her once more.
she grabs the closest thing to her. and unfortunately, it’s the very mug she’d gotten 2 years ago as a present for sebastian.
you know, the matching mugs she got as a celebration for scoring points as a race engineer and driver duo on the grid.
and it does what a mug would do if you threw it against the wall: it shatters. into pieces.
it’s repairable if she really thought about it rationally. the handle has popped out along with another large piece straying by its side.
only then she realises what she’s done.
“oh, fuck.” she sits hurriedly and brushes the stray hairs from her face. “oh, no.”
she scrambles from the ground and runs over to the other side of the room where her favourite mug sits in 3 separate pieces, tears prickling at her eyes as she realises what she’s done.
she gathers it into her hands with a heavy cry, dropping her hands into her lap. if she’d known sooner that this mug was what she’d grabbed out of fury, she wouldn’t have chucked it across the room.
“come on,” she whispers to herself, trying to fit the pieces together as if it would magically mend itself. “fix yourself. be a mug again?”
“i thought you were back at the hotel– are you okay?”
“i didn’t mean to do it,” she cries at the familiar voice and accent, lifting her head and hands to show him what she’s done. “i didn’t mean to, i didn’t even realise what i was throwing until it broke into this many pieces.”
“hey,” sebastian coos, softly closing the door behind him. he walks over to where she kneels on the ground and grabs her shoulder. “you’re okay. it’s okay.”
she shakes her head profusely and rests her head on his shoulder. “i didn’t mean it. i didn’t want to break it — i still like you, i promise. you’re like my dad when we’re on the road. i’m s– i didn’t mean it.”
“relax.” he squeezes her shoulder, pressing a firm kiss to her temple. “it’s just a mug. we’ll just get a new one, okay? don’t even worry about it.”
he waits for a second as she processes his words, slightly hesitant to agree with him. she nods slowly, “are you sure? you’re not mad?”
“i’m not mad,” sebastian hums with a smile. “let’s get you back to your hotel room, okay? i was just about to head out.”
“okay.”
Tumblr media
taglist: @wcnorris @treehouse-mouse @laura-naruto-fan1998 @mindless-rock @vellicora @ironmaiden1313 @angsthology @cherry-piee @christianpulisic10 @elliegrey2803 @33-81 @darleneslane @nikfigueiredo @happy-nico @namgification @localwhoore @c-losur3 @notawc @sadg3 @kazuha-pista-badam @mellowarcadefun @megatrilss1885 @peqch-pie @woozarts @meadhbhcavanagh @2bormaybenot @a-disturbing-self-reflection @mclarengf @xoscar03 @nomie-11 @green-thots @tinyhrry @iwilleatyourgod @inejismywife @love4lando @louvrepool
420 notes · View notes
reidmania · 1 month
Text
you're my best friend | spencer reid
summary; you tell spencer he is your best friend to you its a indication of more to him its rejection.
warnings; best friends to lovers expect they dont make it to lovers whoops, angst whoops again, i think all lovers should be best friends, (un) requited feelings (ur both idiots) its short and honestly i dont remember writing this, mentions of dating other people but like whatever
an; yk that line in ‘you are in love’ by taylor swift thats like pauses, then say, you’re my best friend, and you knew what it was, he is in love? thats what gave me this idea im also just really fucking sad tonight and i miss my ex idk im also trynna be aesthetic am i aesthetic
any other night you wouldn't of cared to notice the way the streetlights blarred through the raindrops on the window or how the dark clouds lined the sky covering every showing star in their path. you wouldn't have noticed any of that if you weren't so focused on beiing focused on anything else.
anything other than spencer reid who was sitting beside you, driving you home. the case you had just got back from was long and angonizing. it was a complete pain to get through and it wasn't a secret that the entirety of the team were all ready to get home to their families and their own beds.
so, you weren't exactly estatic when remembering you hadn't driven to the office a week ago after being called in for the case, you were instead dropped off by your friend after the two of you needed to talk.
so you were car-less, and tired.
spencer reid, your best friend and possibly the nicest person on earth offered to drive you home without a second thought. even though he was equally as tired and ready to curl up into his own bed, he said he would drive you home and then refused to listen to any argument about it.
"are you okay" your head snapped towards the sound of his voice, his eyes glancing between you and the road, obviously noticing the rather disorientated look covering your features as you stared out the windshield.
you nodded, eyebrows furrowing. "yeah- yeah im just tired" it wasn't a lie, you were tired. you were also insanely confused about the feelings weighing on your chest everytime your eyes lingered on his for a moment too long.
he hummed, eyes returning to the road. you took that as your chance to look back at his face, bad idea.
your eyes danced over the curve of his nose and the line of his jawline and then the softness of his eyes, the flutter of his eyelashes every time he blinked or squinted at the bright lights of the road. you studied every indent over the soft skin of his cheeks and cheekbones that you could see from his side profile and your stomach warmed.
you turned your head away when that feeling returned, the one you were hyperaware of. it made your stomach feel as if it was burning a hole in itself, your heart ache and flutter at once and your head spin with the fact that it was wrong. so wrong.
“how’s ethan” he asked, his eyes remaining set on the road as he voice remained soft and quiet, like it seemed to always be when he spoke to you.
your eyes widened for a brief moment of the guy you had been, half kind of dating — if you could even call it that. you had been on a few dates. ethan worked at the coffee shop not to far from the bullpen, and asked you out two weeks ago. being surrounded by derek, emily and spencer didn’t exactly help the overwhelming expectation that fell on your shoulders in that moment.
derek answered for you, actually, in that moment. he had said you’d love to, and then teased you the entire way back to the bullpen after getting your coffee and you didn’t have the heart to pull out of the date, it wasn’t actually that bad — there was just something not right.
the more you hung out with ethan the more you realised there wasn’t actually anything wrong with him, he was nice, respectful, he made you laugh and you could talk easily. he was nothing short of a gentleman.
it was just, every-time the two of you had a conversation you waited for a absentmindedly long ramble about something random or a correction on one of something you pointed , and it never came. you waited for doctor who to be brought up and it never was. the movies you watched with ethan were rom coms and chick flics, or comedy’s rather than documentaries, or science films, or films in other languages that you had to rely on subtitles for.
he wasn’t spencer.
that was the only issue, and that why you had broken off with him before you went on this case, actually you had just finished breaking it off with him when you got the call which was why you were car-less since he had dropped you off.
you couldn’t in good conscience keep hanging around ethan after realising you had feelings for your best friend. you told him the truth and how understanding and respectful he was about it only made the guilt build deeper in your ribcage.
“i broke it off” you told spencer honestly. you wouldn’t lie or play it off there was no point in that. spencer would find out eventually you just wished that being honest didn’t mean it would come with questions.
his eyebrows furrowed for a moment, as his eyes flickered between the road and your face for a moment, you kept your gaze to the ground of the car, focusing on the carpeted floor rather than the feelings that swarmed in your chest that you honestly wished would just swallow you whole and get you as far away from actually feeling them.
“why? did he do something?” it was curious and gentle, like he was genuinely worried that this guy had done something that had hurt you — and it made your chest ache painfully, you genuinely felt physical chest pain at the sound of his words as they processed through your mind.
you shook your head quickly anyways, “no, he was.. good, great.. i just— didn’t feel it, y’know?” you huffed out, eyes still refusing to meet his. you were scared if you did that the confession would come blabbering pass your lips without a second thought because you were so use to telling him everything.
he let out a sigh of relief, glad that you weren’t upset or that this guy hadn’t done anything to hurt you. “i get it” he replied, his voice was gentle and careful. you wondered if he genuinely did — he always seemed to have a power of just reading your mind yet this time you were almost sure that wouldn’t be the case.
the car was pulling into park out side the front of your house moments later, and you felt a sort of sick feeling in your stomach. one that was indescribable to a t. the sort of feeling that left a bad taste in the back of your throat and made your stomach twist, the sort that left goosebumps trailing down your arms and the hairs stand on the back of your neck.
he said your name so quietly as if he had something important he needed to say. for the first time that car ride, since you had left the bau you met his eyes and every emotion you had pushed down into the darkest part of yourself bubbled all up to the surface again.
his eyebrows were furrowed as if he was trying to debate something, lips parted then closed in indecision, before he let out a half shaky breath, his eyes studying your features like yours to his. you felt your stomach twist.
“i need to tell you-“
you cut him off and you didn’t even mean to, “you’re my best friend, spencer.” that was all you said.
and honestly it held so much weight to you it almost felt like a confession in itself, he was your best friend, he was your person. he knew you better then you knew yourself, he knew you better than anyone ever would, he memories every scar on your skin, every little thing that effected you in a way that differed from others, spencer knew you, you loved him and he was your best friend
he was your best friend in a, i want you in my life forever kind of way. i want you by my side no matter what life throws at us, i want to know that no matter what happens you remain a constant.
you needed him to remain constant.
his lips closed at your words, eyebrows furrowing a little deeper to the point the skin between the crinkled slightly. there was a flicker of something in his eyes that you would’ve noticed if he hadn’t pushed it away before you could.
“you’re my best friend too.” he breathed out.
to spencer, you were the sun. everything obits you and your existence, he would give anything to be a planet that was blessed enough to be in your orbit. if he got a glimpse of you throughout the day his heart would remain beating properly in his chest and his feelings would remain a little lighter on his mind, you were calming, you were his safe place. you were his favourite part of everyday.
you were the one thing that kept him from falling apart half the time. you were his best friend and he was in love with you, so in love with you that he shut his mouth every time you went on a date with a different guy, because if you were happy and he got to keep you as a part of his life he wouldn’t beg for different.
you were his best friend and so he pretended like his heart didn’t hurt so impossibly much when you came to him when those said dates didn’t work out or ended badly and you rambled about how you thought there was something wrong with you, because how could you think that when to him the entire solar system fought to be in your orbit?
if you hadn’t cut him off he would’ve told you all of that.
instead he watched you wave him goodbye as you walked back into your house, a weight on his chest, at the words left unsaid that danced on his tongue behind his closed lips. ‘you’re my best friend’
his mind replayed the words with the reminder that that was all he would be to you, that was all he could be and he wanted to fight it and pull back and tell you exactly how he felt and the deepness his feelings fell to,
but then again at least this way he meant something to you.
253 notes · View notes
milksnake-tea · 9 months
Text
Tumblr media
━━ duty calls.
Created around the same time and having trained with one another, you and Casper have always butted heads. You'd compete over seemingly anything - how many souls one could reap, the days one could go without catching soul sickness, and the list goes on. Casper has always found you to be obnoxious, but when he sees you crying by yourself, he finds himself torn.
grim x gn!reaper!reader
contains: fluff, hurt/comfort, set before the main storyline, reader is NOT the mc, brief mentions of child death, USAGE OF GRIM'S REAL NAME, reader is a little shit
word count: 4.2k
a/n: FORGIVE ME IF THE WORLDBUILDING IS OFF I WAS TRYING MY BEST and ive only done one ending oops (finals hurts okay :((( ) also ... im not sure if reapers names are classified just to mortals and not other reapers but ykw imma take my liberties
Tumblr media
"Seriously, do you ever get tired?"
Casper groaned irritatedly, running a hand through his snow-like hair. Blood like rust coated his scythe, spoils from his most recent hunt. The corpse still lay fresh in front of him, but their skin was cold and their eyes dead.
Boisterous laughter erupted above him. Sitting on the balcony of some person’s apartment, you grinned down at him - that infuriating, shit-eating grin that never failed to tick him off.
You kicked your legs childishly as you leaned back over the railing. Nestled against the crook of your arm was a scythe similar to his own, save for the more detailed design and color palette. Unlike him, you would constantly say, you liked to live a little.
Bold words coming from a bringer of death.
“Don’t blame me for you being slow,” you called down to him. Casper rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as he glared up at you.
“I am not ‘slow’,” he grumbled. “You’re too eager. And get down from there, you’ll be spotted.”
You tilted your head. “It’s like, 3 A.M. What kind of idiot’s gonna be awake at this hour?”
“You’d be surprised. Humans will do anything but take care of themselves.”
“I guess,” you sighed, jumping down. You twirled your scythe absentmindedly, Casper leaning back to avoid getting hacked to pieces.
“Be careful with that,” he scolded. You, of course, ignored him.
“So are these the last of the guys?” you wondered, kicking at a corpse with your foot.
The alleyway was practically lined with bodies, so many that management had called upon both you and Casper to deal with the remnants of the massacre. Gang fights were a pain to deal with, second only to pandemics and war.
“It would seem so.” Casper gave you a look, to which you responded by sticking out your tongue. You were very mature, after all.
You stretched thankfully, rolling out your shoulder. “Thank God, I was starting to get depressed from all the dead people.”
“If you’re getting depressed from just this, perhaps you should consider a different career choice.”
“Nah.” You smiled. “If I left, who would I bully? You’d get all sad and lonely without me.”
“Hardly,” Casper scoffed. “If anything, I’d be relieved.”
“You wound me.”
“Good.”
“So mean,” you pouted. Casper paid you no attention, as per usual. It didn’t matter, though, since you immediately perked back up. “Hey, boo?”
“I told you not to call me that.”
“I have an idea.” And just like that, your cheshire grin returned. Casper sighed, already beginning to walk off.
“How wonderful,” he said sarcastically. “Share it with someone else.”
“Uh-uh, no.” As quick as a flash, your scythe was out, the blade curving in front of Casper to prevent his escape. “This one’s good, I swear.”
“Your definition of what is and isn’t a good idea needs some desperate fixing.” Still, he made no move to escape, instead turning around to face you.
“Let’s race.”
Casper raised a brow. “Race?”
You nodded eagerly, your eyes shining like jewels. In the darkness of the alleyway, the two of you were illuminated only by the neon blue lights of the city. Yet, as that same blue was captured in your eyes, Casper was reminded of a kaleidoscope, changing and turning in a multitude of different colors.
It was… captivating.
“If I win, you have to buy me a drink.” 
Casper snapped out of his daze, a light flush blooming across his fair skin. Thankfully, though, you didn’t seem to notice, too entranced by another one of your ridiculous competitions. Seriously, there had to be a limit to how unprofessional you could be.
“You assume I have the time to buy you one,” he said with faux calmness, grateful for the night’s shadows hiding his complexion. You huffed.
“You could do it while you’re rebalancing yourself,” you said, as though it was obvious. “Besides, it doesn’t have to be anything big, just a coffee or a tea would be nice.”
“Fine, let’s say I stoop down to your level and agree to this… race,” said Casper. “What do I get if I win?”
You shrugged. “Then I'll just buy you a drink.”
Casper shook his head. “I’m not like you. I don’t drink on the job.”
“But you do cuddle an axolotl plushie when you sleep,” you pointed out. Instantly, Casper flushed red.
“Wha- What does that have to do with anything?!” he protested.
"I just thought about it randomly," you shrugged. "But seriously, that thing is huge, where did you get it?"
“Never mind how I got it," Casper crossed his arms and averted his eyes, his bottom lip turning up in a pout. “We’re getting off track.”
“Oh, so now you care about my games,” you teased. “Anyways, on how I’ll reward you…”
You spun your scythe back to your side, tapping its staff against the ground as you thought of a fitting reward.
“Oh! How about this?” You snapped your fingers, a figurative light bulb lighting up next to you. “You get to cash in one favor from me.”
“Any favor?” A smirk creeped onto Casper’s face, his interest finally piqued. “That’s a dangerous game you’re playing, [Name].”
“As long as it’s within reason and isn’t embarrassing,” you snapped, crossing your arms. “If you make me kiss your feet or something like that, I’ll kick your ass.”
“Of course,” Casper chuckled knowingly. “So, where to and when are we racing?”
“Hey, if you weren’t paying attention to the rules, then that's your fault. As for when the race starts, how about… now.”
“Wha- Hey!” Casper barely dodged as you shot past him in a blur of black. Hooking your scythe into the walls, you stuck out your tongue at him as you propelled yourself through the night.
“So long, Casp!”
Casper cursed under his breath. Quickly, he made haste to follow you. He flew through the air like a bird, twisting around light poles, skyscrapers, and billboards alike.
You weren’t as elegant, instead jumping from building to building like a modern superhero. You’d catapult yourself through the sky using your scythe as leverage, your laughter echoing in the slumbering city - free like the wind.
Casper didn’t have to follow you long to know where you were heading towards. Invisible to the mortal eye, yet painfully obvious to the eyes of reapers, was an entrance to the Underworld, a whirlpool of black and red that led straight down to your home.
As you launched yourself into the air once again, Casper came up next to you, his hair billowing in the cold night wind like smoke.
“Nice of you to join me,” you teased, elbowing him in the side. Casper rolled his eyes once again, speeding up. “Hey!”
Smoky tendrils of crimson and ink curled around your figures as the two of you neared the portal. The center of the whirlpool was a void seemingly leading to the abyss itself, but you’ve worked in this job long enough to know just what lay beneath.
True to his character, Casper wasted no time and shot straight into the thick of it. You, on the other hand, were a little more dramatic with your landing.
You spun in a backflip off of the last of the skyscrapers before letting gravity take you for a ride. Wind whistled past your ears as you fell, yet all you could hear was the rapid thump of your own heart. Adrenaline filled your veins. Soon, black and red lined your vision as the Underworld engulfed you.
The second you saw the tips of red-stained towers, you flipped yourself to face the ground. Closer and closer, you could practically taste it. If you delayed any longer, your life as a grim reaper could end prematurely.
Like the eyes of a devil, your pupils glowed in delight, activating your abilities. But rather than slowing your descent, you sped it up, shooting towards the ground like a missile.
Black blobs, the fuzzy images of your coworkers, scrambled to move out of your way. Turning your body, you landed hard on your heels, narrowly missing a fellow reaper.
For a moment, all you could see was dust. Before the clouds could disappear, you shook off the sting in your ankles and stretched.
“Woo!” you cheered, kicking your leg. “That’s what I’m talking about!”
“Quiet down.” Casper grabbed your shoulder and pulled you back. “Honestly, is there ever a quiet moment with you?”
You giggled. “Boo, you’ve known me long enough to know the answer to that. Oh, by the way, I’m craving some-”
“Hold it.” Casper bonked your head. “I only agreed to buy you something if you won.”
“Didn’t I?”
“No you didn’t,” Casper retorted. “Anyone with working eyes could see that I reached the ground before you did. Therefore, I won.”
“Uh, no.” You crossed your arms. “Are you gaslighting me? You’re gaslighting me. That's not very nice of you, Casp.”
“I am not gaslighting you.” Your white-haired coworker rolled his eyes. “As grim reapers, we cannot lie. Someone of your caliber should know this.”
You blinked innocently. “Did you just compliment me?”
Casper spluttered. “What in the world made you come to that conclusion?”
Taking a step forward, you leaned towards the reaper, a cheeky smile growing on your face. “You said ‘Someone of your caliber’. That means you think I’m capable.”
“You’d have to be a special kind of stupid to be incompetent after working as a reaper for so long,” Casper crossed his arms, fighting down the blush rising onto his cheeks. You were close, way too close. “Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised, seeing as how that was the only thing you heard from what I said.”
Heaving a sigh, he pushed you away with his finger.
“But don’t distract yourself from the fact that I won the race,” he said, a smug smirk replacing his exasperation.
“I was honestly trying to forget.”
Casper huffed, a pout forming on his lips. But the moment wouldn’t last long, as a ding sounded from both of your phones. When you checked it, you groaned when you saw a notification of unexpected emergency.
“Seriously?” you complained. “Overtime? Did a bunch of reapers die off or something? My soul’s going to get tainted at this rate.”
“Don’t complain.” Casper nudged you, but even you could see the irritation on his face. “It’s our job as reapers to reap souls on time, no matter what.”
“I guess. Still doesn’t make it any less annoying.”
“Agreed.” With a sigh, Casper summoned his scythe. “I must be off, now. See you on the other side, [Name].”
As he made his way back to the opening of the portal, his feet lifting off from the ground, a gloved hand reached out to grasp your chin. Gently, he guided you to look at him as he ascended.
“I look forward to cashing in on that favor.”
For as long as you could remember, things have always been this way.
Your earliest memory was of waking up to the crimson skies of the Underworld. Unaware and unknowing, you allowed yourself to be dragged around by older reapers, their voices blurring together in a droning buzz. Everything had gone by so quickly, and you struggled to keep up with it all.
If you were to say it bluntly, your first day felt like a fever dream.
But amidst the chaos, the tutorials, and the gifting of your first scythe, there was one thing that you remembered clearly.
“...Snow.”
Your mentor’s lecture halted at your voice, barely audible. They followed your gaze to a white-haired man, looking to be around the same age as you. Like a drowsy child, you lifted your finger and pointed at him, looking back to your mentor.
“He’s like snow.”
Their eyes softened by the tiniest bit, having seemingly realized that you were still disorientated. After all, in a sense, you had just been born.
“I suppose he is.” Putting a hand on your shoulder, they guided you away from the man. “Now, as I was saying…”
Their voice faded away into the background as the white-haired man noticed your gaze. He turned to look at you, his ruby-like eyes like blood speckles against the winter landscape. You stared at each other for only a few seconds before you turned to follow your mentor.
You quickly forgot the pretty stranger, but you would stay in his memories for quite a while before you’d cross paths again. In the darkness of the Underworld, you were like a lantern - radiating warmth and familiarity.
You were beautiful, like a flower in summer. That was, until he met you for the second time.
Swiftly and ruthlessly, holding true to your occupation as a reaper, you cut apart any premonitions he had had about you. When you were put against him to spar by your mentors, the drowsiness had worn off - instead replaced by insufferable audacity.
As your scythes clashed, sparks flying between the two of you and burning him in the process, your mouth just wouldn’t stop moving, stop talking. The innocently sleepy look on your face was replaced with a shit-eating grin as you blocked his attacks, trapping him in a frenzied dance.
“What’s wrong, boo?” you laughed, twirling your scythe to drive him back. “Don’t tell me you’re getting tired already.”
Casper’s eyebrow twitched at the nickname; you wouldn’t stop calling him that ever since you learned his real name. He didn’t understand where it came from, but just the way you said it was enough to annoy him.
“Hardly,” he scoffed, his boots kicking up dust as they skidded against the ground. He was quick to lunge back at you, his movements precise as he swung his blade. “If anything, I’d wager that you’re the one tiring out.”
“Ha!” You ducked under his attack and sprung forward, Casper’s hair tickling at your face as you came nose to nose with him. Startled, Casper had no time to react as you slammed the end of your scythe’s staff into his chest.
Before he knew it, Casper’s back was against the ground, your boot on his chest, and your scythe at his neck.
Your breaths were heavy as you looked down on him, but your eyes glowed with triumphant victory. The fight may have been more exhausting than you’d like to admit, but the view you had was well worth the effort.
Beneath you, Casper struggled to catch his own breath, his chest heaving under the soles of your foot. His white hair splayed around him like a halo, and his face was tickled pink from the fight.
Even in defeat, he was beautiful.
You leaned forward, putting your weight on your knee. Casper grunted as you pressed harder on him. Just for the fun of it, you pressed your scythe’s blade against his chin and guided him to look up at you and your grin.
“I win,” you sang mockingly.
Casper groaned, letting his head fall against the floor. You laughed heartily, stepping off of him and instead extending your hand to him. Without a second thought, Casper took it, allowing you to pull him to his feet and dust him off.
“That’s what, victory number twenty-one?” you asked, stretching. “That means I’m in the lead now, Casp.”
“Whatever,” Casper scoffed, dusting off his chest where your foot had been. “I’m sure the score will even out in no time.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” you squinted at him. Casper stuck his tongue out at you.
“I don’t know, what does it mean?”
You hit his chest playfully. Casper grunted, glaring at you from the corner of his eye.
That’s how it had always been, after all. You and Casper would go back and forth in this tantalizing dance, exchanging jabs and jokes at the same time. 
To Casper, you were insufferable, but annoyingly capable. To you, Casper was way too serious and stuck up, yet had that charm about him that made you want to tease him at every possible opportunity.
But for many, many years, your relationship never went further than mere friends - if Casper even wanted to call you that.
The day Casper’s view of you changed was like a stormy sky - dark, yet light still managed to peek through.
You’d come back to headquarters with a solemn look upon your face. For someone who had just come back from a mission, you were oddly… clean. There wasn’t a trace of blood on your clothes, yet your eyes were dark, haunted. Even your scythe’s shine seemed dull.
For the reapers, to have someone normally so loud and full of life be reduced to this, was frightening. They’d grown used to your smile, your voice, your light. You parted crowds with your uncharacteristically serious aura; if there was anything a sensible reaper feared, it was the wrath of a joyous soul.
Immediately after turning in your report to headquarters, you disappeared from the public eye.
When Casper first heard the news, he had brushed it off. You were probably just having a bad day, he tried to assure himself. Maybe you’d finally realized the grimness that came with your profession. Maybe the soul you’d reaped was especially troublesome and gave you a run for your money.
Despite his attempts to make up explanations for your behavior, he couldn’t stop the worry from gnawing at his heart. It twisted in his chest like soul sickness, an ailment that he wasn’t used to nor did he understand. It even followed him into his work, plaguing his mind and distracting him as he reaped soul after soul.
He’d made haste to return home, knowing that this illness would only worsen if he stayed out.
The Underworld was always dark, but that day, the sky was pitch black. Eager to return to the comfort of his bed, he quickly made his way to one of the many apartment complexes in which reapers resided.
However, just before he opened the door to his room, his hand stilled at the sound of crying.
Now, sadness wasn’t an uncommon emotion in the Underworld. Ghosts, sinners, and demons alike wailed and screamed their woes into the night. Their cries were as common as the sound of rushing cars in a human city.
But not for reapers, especially in their home. Reapers, at their core, were cold, emotionless, and ruthless - they needed to be, in order to do their jobs properly. A reaper’s tears were rare, almost taboo.
The more Casper listened, he soon recognized a familiar voice among those sniffles: yours.
Could it be? He looked up to the rooftop, his hand wavering. His soul pulsed in his chest, warning him to ignore you and focus on himself. But his heart argued back.
Casper glanced once more at the doorknob to his room. Cursing himself, he heaved a sigh and walked away - moving towards the staircase leading to the rooftop.
As he emerged onto the rooftop, the first thing he noticed was how clear the sky was. Its crimson blanket was more like that of a rose’s rather than bloodstains, and if he squinted, he could perhaps delude himself into seeing a few stars.
Then came you.
Casper’s heart plummeted in his chest when he saw your form curled into itself. You sat at the edge of the rooftop, your knees pulled up to your chest and your face buried in your arms. Your back was to him, but Casper saw the way your shoulders trembled.
He tried to take a step towards you, tried to reach to you with his hand, but hesitated. What would he even say? What could he say? What could he do?
His thoughts halted when you took a deep, shuddered breath, your voice raw from cry.
“What do you want, Casper.”
Casper. Not Casp, not boo, not any of the annoying nicknames that you called him by.
“I…”
He stepped back, feeling fear for perhaps the first time in his life. For the first time, he was unsure of what to do.
You couldn’t see him, but you heard him walk away and descend the staircase. You laughed hollowly, wiping at your face with your hand.
“What was I even expecting…” you muttered bitterly, gripping at your own arms for support. “Why would he of all people…”
You shut your eyes tighter. Without the company of the sky and the city, you were left alone with your thoughts. Memories of what you had witnessed laughed in your mind, latching onto you like a parasite and refusing to let go.
You were never afraid of blood, nor of death, but today, just the thought of it made you nauseous.
Something soft nudged at your elbow. Blinking your eyes open, you warily looked to your side.
However, instead of seeing a person, you came face to face with a bright pink axolotl plushie.
You and the plushie stared at each other for a good minute, neither of you knowing what to make of the other. It wasn’t until you heard a familiar, exasperated sigh from behind the plushie that you realized what it was.
“Don’t just stare at him,” Casper mumbled, pushing the plushie against you. You blinked owlishly, before hesitantly taking the plushie into your arms.
Hugging it against your chest, you rested your chin on top of its head. The plushie was oddly warm, yet comforting. Casper sat beside you, silent and gazing up towards the sky. For a while, the two of you simply sat in this silence, with the only thing breaking it being your quiet sniffles.
“...She was just a kid,” you finally spoke, catching Casper’s attention and making him look at you. You, however, kept your gaze straight ahead to the city lines, refusing to meet his gaze. “She was just a little girl, and yet they… they…”
You hugged the plushie a little tighter.
“I just can’t understand how humans can be so cruel to each other.”
Casper’s gaze turned downcast. “That’s how they’ve always been. Life is cruel, even to the purest of souls.”
“It’s not fair.”
“Hardly anything is.”
“It shouldn’t have been her. It should’ve been that bastard that murdered her.”
“He’ll get what he deserves. Karma will catch up to him.”
“But what if it doesn’t? What if he gets let off?”
“He won’t.”
Unexpectedly, you let out a snort at Casper’s deadpanned voice - so assured and serious. Casper raised a brow, looking at you inquisitively.
“You know,” you said, raising your head. “You’re somehow really bad and really good at comforting people.”
“What?” Casper wrinkled his nose. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing,” you said softly. “I didn’t mean it as an insult. Actually, that’s one of the things I like about you.”
“That I’m apparently a bad comforter?”
“No, silly.” You leaned your head on the plushie again, only this time you were looking at your coworker. “Your seriousness. How you’re always so confident in yourself. How even if you don’t know what you’re doing, you still try.”
Red bloomed across Casper’s face like a flowering blossom, reaching from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. He rubbed the back of his neck, averting his gaze.
“It’s not fair when you start saying things like that,” he mumbled. You giggled a little, leaning onto his shoulder with his plushie still in your arms.
“I’m just being honest,” you hummed. “Or maybe I’m coping. I dunno.”
Casper chuckled, but made no move to push you off him. You closed your eyes. The turmoil in your heart was still there, of course, but with Casper against you, it eased up just a little.
“Seriously though, thank you,” you said. “For coming up here for me and, well, everything.”
“It was nothing,” Casper replied. “You were looking pretty pathetic, all depressed and all.”
You huffed. “Just admit you care about me, Casp. Is that so hard?”
Casper grumbled something unintelligible, before lifting his arm. You squeaked as he wrapped it around your shoulders, pulling you closer against him. With your head laid against his collarbone, you could feel every breath he took as well as the rapid beat of his heart.
“[Name],” he said quietly. “Remember the favor you promised me? For winning the race?”
“Mm… yeah. What about it?”
“I’d like to cash it in right now.”
“Oh lord,” you chuckled. “Alright, what do you want?”
“Whatever happens next, don’t tell anyone,” Casper whispered.
Your lips curled into a smile. “You know, Casp, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were about to do something weird.”
You couldn’t see him, but you knew he was rolling his eyes.
“Be quiet for a moment, will you?”
You grinned. “Ah, but that’s two favors, not-”
Casper shut you up with a soft kiss to your head. It was brief, so quick that for a second you almost thought you had dreamed it.
In your stunned silence, Casper spoke again.
“Forgive me if I’m being greedy, but I’ll ask for a third favor,” he said. “No matter what happens, promise me you won’t deal with it by yourself.”
His grip around you tightened.
“Please.”
You nuzzled closer into the crook of his neck.
“...I promise.”
Tumblr media
reblogs w comments are appreciated !!
868 notes · View notes