#money couldn't hurt
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I feel like I really should have started counting how many times I've thought 'I can't do this anymore' and still carried on with life.
#it must be in the low millions by now#i just need a break#and a hug#and some support#and love#money couldn't hurt#and some praline chocolates
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living in america is literally just like. yeah i could probably benefit from inpatient mental health services but honestly the resulting medical bills would just make me want to kill myself even more
#eliot posts#i'm not in active danger of hurting myself don't worry#just experiencing some Ideations#but i have a long mental list of reasons not to act on those ideations so i'm safe don't worry#ironically one of those reasons is ''i couldn't afford the medical bills for a failed attempt''#suicide mention#suicide tw#tw suicide#american healthcare my beloathed#dogshit private insurance my beloathed#also ironically one of the (multiple) contributing factors towards this fresh wave of ideations is a medical bill i got yesterday#it's nothing too ruinous but it is A LOT like would utterly wipe out my savings level#my parents said they can help me with it (as much as i hate accepting things from them)#and as soon as i mentioned it my very sweet cousin just. sent me the money it would take to cover it#with a ''yeah i trust you'll pay me back once you get a good job like looking at your major you'll be making a lot eventually''#and i've already requested an itemized bill as well as the paperwork for the hospital's financial assistance program#(tho idk how much assistance i'll actually be eligible for bc i'm still legally a dependent)#so hopefully i'll be able to get that bill cut way down#it's just eugh it's so stressful and i had a full on panic attack on the phone with my insurance company yesterday#and my brain's fav response to crushing stress is just ''well we wouldn't have to handle any of this if we Just Fucking Died! :)''
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Not feeling it rn cuz idk how to disclose to my family (mom, really) that I have two very funnily misplaced random underskin lumps on my neck and and one on the back of my head, and that my mind immiditely jumped to the worst conclusion
#The constant fatigue migranes and brain fog ive had for a good year doesn't help#oh its the damned phone it's because you don't do anything all day it's because you don't see the sun#maybe#doesn't change the fact that they are there and I'm scared haha#had the one on the back of my head for a while#and definitely didnt have a panic attack over finding the third one earlier today when absemindedly scratching my neck#they're kinda hard to find but once you feel them boy oh boy it#sigh it just seems really idk. over the top?#like if I was suppoused to die couldn't it have been anything less mentally and money taxing lmao#why bother with cancer ffs it's not like I have anything in my life going on#and to think I was actually planning on getting it together#my mom has enough on her plate as she is#what with her work slowly killing her#why is she literaly the only one that would kinda care#only after telling me I'm definitely overreacting but still#whatver man#I can't sleep but my head hurts#it's just my period anyway#sorry guys I will be back to Joy and whimsy soon I'm sure#vent#like in amongus haha
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graah my glasses broke this week and are being held together with masking tape and its not workingggg
#they're basically just hanging off one ear and it hurts to wear them ToT my earrrr#and they're so loose on my head but the warrantys ran out and i asked if they can be fixed and they cantt#i have to hold out like 2 more weeks like this and it sucks#damn and i was going to get new lenses in october couldn't they hold on for a little longer#now im faced with spending so much more money to just see -.-#PLEASEEE my glasses with lenses were 1k pln 💀
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not now kitten mommy's trying to hold it all together right now
#vent post#listening to placebo's new live album bc of reasons#me and my boyfriend were supposed to go see tigers jaw last night#and he didn't want to go and i didn't think about it so i just decided we wouldn't go and we'd still just hang out#but i should've just rescheduled a hangout and asked if an irl would go with me#and i tried to listen to tigers jaw earlier i just straight up couldn't like it literally made me sick#and i'm like trying not to break down about it. and i'm at work. and i have a family thing i need to go to right after#like i'm sure it'll be fine#and once i get some more money i could always go see them somewhere else#maybe even with him depending on everything lining up#but yk. it just still hurts
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#not tagging this so i can do this:#my favorite headcanon about ajb is that he is actually deeply insecure about money and status and the idea of talent#and the script + john's performance backs this up#he recoils from jenifer when she mentions his wife's money! he LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY!#janice mentions that alex gets the shakes after every concert. the SHAKES. not beforehand. but after when the accolades come#i think he grew up with not a lot of money and a real chip on his shoulder#and i think he has gone through most of his life convinced he is an imposter and no one notices how dead inside he is#janice probably thought he was the most talented person in the whole world and made him feel special. so he kept her around#doesn't hurt that her mommy was rich! and then jenny#oh jenny...... she looked right into his soul and went wow you hate yourself too huh#tortured artist self hating genius. and alex went oh you're almost right there..... he couldn't stand that either#meanwhile columbo looks at alex and goes oh he's just a lonely man huh#because everyone else claims to know alex. but columbo Was alex. but he did something about it.#which is why HE is the genius and alex is just a gay idiot loser who got car head from the lieutenant and then went to jail
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for all fellow jjk fans:
idk if y'all read the manga too, but if you know who naoya zenin is, I hope you know how I want to break that boy like a twig he sucks DICK, and NOT in a gay way. i have no concrete proof of this but in real life, he'd be homophobic bet.
anyway, I wanna write a fic where he suffers and not just because a beautiful, powerful, inspiring, green-haired legend kills him. I'm thinking,,, him bound and gagged? cock ring and overstimulation?? forced to watch a certain white-haired sorcerer fuck you even after naoya harrassed you countless times trying to get in your pants ???? def humiliation and degradation... maybe even blackmail him later lmao fuck that dude. thoughts?????
#fic drafts#i hope you hate this clown as much as I do lmao#seeing him suffer in any way in the manga isn't enough#i need to hurt this dude MYSELF#i look forward to mappa animating the smirk wiped off his face after his dad basically called him a bitch#if u know u know#for the longest time i thought this dude was like. 18#i just KNOW he's sobbing at night bc gojo is better in every conceivable way#HAHAHAHA#too bad daddy's money couldn't buy him a decent personality#> :((((#i mean#gojo has more money anyway bet
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...
#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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hey can a girl get a hobby. that she can actually do? 👉👈 no? oh okay. *gazes longingly into oncoming traffic*
#the computer time for bg3 is starting to aggravate The Conditions that pushed me toward controller games instead of mouse#but i picked up bg3 because i COULDN'T play totk because i READ. TOO MUCH MANGA. on the flight home from Sweden#TWO MONTHS AGO#hurt my thumb#i can't pick up my cat or hold my coffee or use a kitchen knife or play BIDEO GAEM#this is adding to the tenosynovitus in the OTHER hand that gets angy if i do too much of anything#and the rib that clunks out of place if I draw and the knee that hurts if I walk and the opposite ankle that hurts if i favor the knee#someone give me SOMETHING to do other than lie on the floor and listen to podcast and i will MARRY YOU#jk I'm clearly going to need to marry for money because as you can imagine. i do not work full time:)#i know it's the 3 AM of it all but also not really#I KNOW I SAID I WAS GOING TO SLEEP BUT THERE'S HORRORS IN HERE#okay im done#sats speaks
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gods, why didn't i get a college degree in anything useful?
#i've known since the day it unceremoniously came in the mail that my degree is worth less than the paper it's printed on#yeah i needed to college experience for social and lersonal growth#but why couldn't i have gotten something out of it that can help me find a damn job?#what was the fucking point of going through all that?#(the social and personal growth obviously)#ahgggggg#i'm too broke and disabled to go back to school NOW#(the way i'm coping with the anxiety of waiting to hear back about the internal job i just interviewed for#is to have Officially Decided That I'll Be Rejected Out Of Hand. So What Do I Do Next?#it hurts but at least i can move forward if the worst come to pass#and it gives me something to do while i'm Waiting#ughhhhh#why couldn't i have sold my damn soul and gotten the shitty computer science degree my school had??#i remember visiting a house a friend was pet-sitting for and seeing the couple's gaming setup#and just seeing dollar signs. they both worked in computer science and made $$$#but at the time it sounded like the worst thing in the world#and i'd already changed my major once... loved what i was studying... and had my dad breathing down my neck about how much my education cost#i'm so lucky i don't have debt. thanks to my grampa. but holy hell did my dad lord that inheritance over me and make me dance for it#i don't think he ever got over grampa pulling *his* college funding bc he spent college fucking around and dropped out#couldn't wrap his head around that the narrow thing he'd trained me to be would never follow in his 'rebelious' footsteps#i beat myself up over A-'s there was no way i'd do anything other than take my grades seriously#but that was the problem. i was worried about grades and what sounded bearable to learn. not what was realistic to do with it#i wanted to get a fucking phd! with what fucking money!!!!#of course not that i had the support or the maturity to understand what it meant to choose an education that could grant me a career#but who can i blame if not myself?#dad always said i had to Go To College. there was no choice in not going. but as soon as college came he shoved me out the door#and slammed shut. how was i supposed to know what to do without him there to make me do things all of a sudden?#that took nearly a decade to learn dammit#personal
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family went to see live action little mermaid and i ended up tagging along out of curiosity. better than i expected honestly! a far cry from perfect, but, yknow, i didn't leave angry, and that's more than i expected. halle bailey honestly totally knocked it out of the park as ariel (and also out of the three new songs hers was the only one i liked...)
#disney owes me money for whatever that scuttlebutt song was#anyway they tried to make eric's adopted mom have like#a thing against the ocean like WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SEPARATE OCEAN GODS DONT WANT US OVER THERE...#but it didn't like. go anywhere#like i think this was supposed to be a parallel to king triton but it didn't really work bc she didn't actively stop eric from leaving#also they cut out the concert scene??? why'd you go out of your way to make all the sisters have unique designs if you're not even gonna-#-give 'em the chance to shine#seems strange idk. the movie is 2 hours i know you had time❗️#anyway halle bailey Killed it for part of your world. she sounded incredible#she made the rest of the movie feel better honestly#i do not understand this new take on scuttle she was so actively not funny it kind of hurt to watch#and like. ursula. melissa mccarthy was her name right? yeah she was pretty lame unfortunately#couldn't really live up to the energy of the original imo#bri talks#anyway. saw a movey. liked some parts and didn't like some others#and aint that just living#new dolls of ariel are gonna mean a lot to some little kids i'm sure and if nothing else i'm glad it exists for that
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I'm using posting the nice cock sticker on RB as an excuse to make a new account on there, but it seems like it'll be a day or two until the shop goes live due to them processing stuff (I'm guessing they beefed up making a store's process to combat bots)
All my future stuff on there will go to that account, and I'll probably move some of my tes stuff that's already on my old one over and it'll incentivize me to make some new stuff!
#vena vents#not art#it seems like ms bethany esda doesn't really care about fanworks and fanmerch#I know a lot of companies don't care unless you're literally using their assets and logos or a major public figure#the extra money certainly couldn't hurt
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i wish i could just die in my sleep but i guess i'm not that lucky
#told my sister about my teeth and she said she couldn't help me#she literally was my last hope#guess i'm now doomed#haven't eaten anything today bc my mouth hurts#my teeth my gums my jaw everything hurts#it's been 24 hours since the last time i ate and it will be more#and the hospital that employed me hasn't given me a contract to start working bc there aren't enough contracts for everyone#and idk when will they give me one so i can start working and start getting money#so yeah. i guess i'm doomed#i just want to die so bad rn i feel so hopeless#i've been crying since the day before yesterday and having breakdown after breakdown#my family don't care and don't want to help me either and my dad is so fucking useless#i don't know what to do i just want my teeth fixed or for my life to end#but i'm such a coward to actually kill myself#suicide mention tw#death tw#liliana talks
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growing up in an abusive family is so insane.
#so many little tiny things they do/did that show they don't love me and only care about themselves lmao#and i only realize more of those things the older i get and the more i think about it lmao#i think it's the tiny things that are so awful#like my mother couldn't even be bothered to wake me up carefully; she shouted at me to wake me up#like the big things are terrible too (obviously) but the tiny things hurt because wow you couldn't even do THAT for me??#you hated a little kid THAT MUCH????#the big things are almost more understandable that they were done than the small things#especially the trafficking bc oh yeah they were making money but lol why treat me like that otherwise??? why did you hate me so much???#txt
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i can't wait until 10 years in the future when vtuber type things are really common and you can just get an easy picrew type vtuber software to make your own custom one
#i desperately want to like. have funny clips with our system#but like we can't draw so we couldn't animate it#like we have a physical inability to hold our drawing stylus most days because it hurts#so using motion capture type stuff like a vtuber would mean we could do silly animations so easily#but vtubers cost a fuckton because at the moment it's much harder to accomplish#i can't wait until certain tech gets so common and easy to make that it's cheap enough for normal people#like if i could use a Sims style character creator to make a full 3d vtuber that would be really really cool#but i know it'll take a long long time and a lot of development and money and stuff for that to ever possibly happen
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feeling guilty about buying shoes after wearing ones with literal holes in them for weeks now. i hate everything :)
#i hate hate hate spending money i put off buying new shoes for MONTHS until i couldn't any longer#and i need good shoes to work because i am on my feet constantly so it has to be a good brand#not the cheapest been there done that my feet hurt and my spine hurt and everything hurt#so i just spent like. more than i ever spent on shoes 😭 and i feel so guilty i wanna cry#i hate capitalism#:)#and i hate how my life went that now i feel guilty about the most normal thing ever#personal
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