#most men are intimidated by her size so she has more experience with girls

[dollfat]

giving into the [outlander] peer pressure and deciding opal moved to the city after leaving the wilderness. probably around age 13.

her and her mom took whatever shitty jobs they could, usually physically demanding and not always legal. neither were especially good at socializing and opal was overwhelmed by all the people and noise. she still thinks of the Outlands as her home.

[romanoffsbish]

Unconditional Kind of Love

Natasha Romanoff x Stark!Reader (afab)

Pronouns: She / Her to They / Them

Request / @mostlymarvelsstuff was my guide. 🥰

A/N: Hello angels!!! So I worked on this fic with an insider to guide me, and I just wanna be transparent here and say I did my best to navigate the struggles one goes through when in such a closeted space. But I also know, from experience, that the title non-binary isn’t one size fits all. Some afab individuals label themselves nb, go by they/them then still remain outwardly feminine as that’s how they wish to present themselves(identity and expression aren’t mutually exclusive). So, I know not everyone who is nb detests wearing dresses. I chose to just write this from the perspective of someone in an ever changing headspace. However you exist is valid, but for the sake of this fic I tried to just keep with the flow of understanding oneself/coming out.

Warnings: Coming Out (Fear/Grief)

It was a beautiful morning; the birds were chirping, likely grateful for the clear blue skies the budding Summer had afforded them. The bright sunlight was slowly filtering into your room through the cracked open blinds as time tediously passed on by. Lines of otherwise unseen dust were now illuminated as they flickered throughout the air. There was only the soft sounds of snoring as you laid there, your lover on your chest, it was relatively perfect.

There was no visible reason for you to be feeling this low, but immense dread had settled deep in your stomach as you read through an email.

Stark Charity Gala Reminder:

Hey honey, I had Happy leave a few dresses for you to try on, please let me know which one you prefer, and I’ll have it tailored to your needs.

You didn’t know how to tell him your needs were based on the disappearance of said flowy fabric…

—

Sure, you could tell him, but you were paralyzed by your fears that he’d expect it anyways. That your comfort wouldn’t come before business, so you chose not to mention it. As progressive as the world has become, you know your father works closely with some wealthy men, most of whom were up there in age; in your experience they weren’t all that big on the changing times.

This wasn’t always how you felt, but as of late, you’d really felt an aversion to the expected attire at your father’s many various events. In your day to day you could wear as you pleased, which is really just whatever attracts the least attention. Unwelcome comments on your appearance only ever made you feel more removed from reality.

Your father meant well, you know he always did, but it didn’t change the fact that he was not the most attentive person, and therefore still saw you as the little girl in tutus chasing butterflies around the garden as a nanny tended to your needs.

Which truth be told hadn’t been the case for most of your adolescence, it had only started weighing you down though in the more recent years. Everyday you woke up to have your identity invalidated in simple ways, and with that came chipped away pieces of your soul. This unsettling feeling came with the territory of being closeted, you remember it well from when you initially dealt with your sexuality, and coming out hadn’t been any easier. If anything, it’s only become harder.

To look into your aging fathers eyes, and tell him that the person he knew was never the real you was daunting, and was something that made you think suffering in silence was the better choice.

You’d already lived a long many years as Y/N Stark—Tony Stark’s eldest daughter, and you didn’t exactly know how to be anything but that in an outwardly sense. It was all a bit intimidating, and so you lived in this cycle where you would build yourself up to speak your truth, only to lose the confidence when faced with the chance.

While being so deeply in your thoughts you failed to notice the woman on your chest moving about. The beautiful woman who’s held your heart in her very hands for years now, the same one who hadn’t a clue what your inner turmoil’s were like. Natasha was as understanding as they came, you knew deep down that she’d love you all the same, but the crippling fear of rejection never allowed you to utter the words, “I’m nonbinary.”

You’d yet to even speak them aloud, instead they swirled around your brain, amongst the waves of self doubt, being swept beneath the currents of ‘It’s safer to pretend,’ and ‘We can’t lose her…’

Natasha was staring up at you with a sleepy smile, the sun had fallen over your face it allowed her to gaze into your eyes in a way she normally couldn’t. The one tone color suddenly became intermixed with complementary ones, and in the moment she thought you’d never looked more mesmerizing. But her sappy expression soon melted into one of worry the longer she stared.

“Good morning,” she raspily greeted, a smile retaking up her face as she sat up to level her gaze with yours, “What’s on your mind my love?”

In a panicked move you surged forward, hoping to use your lips to distract her from pushing further, and it seemed to work as she let you guide her backwards until she laid flat on her back. You kissed her with urgency, as if her lips were enough to heal all of your broken pieces, and in a way that is exactly what happened. The turmoil returned to its vault, where it would likely live another day unsettled, but it would be okay, just as long as you had Natasha by your side.

“Breakfast,” you hummed as you slowly pulled away from her lips, staring down at her with a cheeky grin, and flexed brows. Natasha snorted, “You should’ve woke me up then baby, let’s go!”

Once you both entered the kitchen your lover dropped your hand so she could make her way over to her first love—the Nespresso machine.

“Lady Y/N!” Thor bellowed, startling you with his sudden emergence, “Would you like a poptart?”

With a wide smile you nodded, accepting the sugary breakfast from the God, but once you turned around to face the drink counter your expression sullened, and Natasha noticed.

Natasha always noticed you. It’s been hard to keep up with you with her influx of missions, but she’d been around enough to know it’d been months since the light in your eyes faded out. In the privacy of your shared room you seemed content most days you spent together. A light flickered within your eyes in those moments. But now, it was as if you were living on autopilot as you moved through the kitchen, she watched you with a stoic mask as she sipped on her coffee.

“Squirt, can you pass your old man the salt?”

You genuinely smiled at him, and did as asked.

“Tony, are you serious? It was right there.”

“Yeah, well it was closer to her Pepper, sue me.”

There was a subtle tick in your jaw, nobody else saw it, but the redhead, also known as The Black Widow, the top spy of her generation, noticed it. A frown befell her face, one she masked with her mug as you approached her with swift steps.

“Hey Natty,” you greeted her with a kiss to her cheek, “I’m going to go take a shower, and get some work done while you’re in your meeting, but I’ll be sure to find you for lunch with Yelena.”

Natasha stopped you with a hand on your hip, she jutted her lips out expectantly, and you gave her exactly what she wanted with a soft kiss.

“Get a room!” Tony shouted with a grimace, and you chuckled against your lover, you didn’t have to see to know her hand behind your back held a middle finger up for your father to interpret.

When you walked away Natasha’s head began to spin with reasons for your dropped mood, but she came up empty and vowed to herself that she’d figure it out somehow. All she ever wanted was for you to be happy, and she would wade through hell or high water to ensure you were.

—

A grunt of displeasure left your lips as you kicked your mini wastebasket across your shared room. You were barely able to keep it together, it was clear Nat was onto you, and it’d only been two innocent in nature comments from oblivious men.

“Get it together Stark,” you grumbled before settling down at your desk to work on a project for Pepper as you’d been her assistant since Nat. A few frustrated tears stained your papers, but fortunately they only held data for you to key in.

After an hour and a half of half assed work you pushed away from your desk and waltzed into the en suite so you could finish crying it all out. You spent another half an hour under the water quietly sobbing until the heat faded into cold, then you cleaned up and clambered right on out.

In a matter of seconds you selected your outfit from your side of the closet, and slid into it. You’d settled on a pair of olive green khaki pants, with a black, button up shirt tucked into the bottoms. Your hair was slicked back, giving it a shorter appearance, and that made you feel giddy.

Yelena was expected to arrive at noon, and as you glanced at your clock you realized you only had a few minutes before, so you applied a thin layer of chapstick to your lips and made your way down to the living room where you found the pair discussing who knows what with your girlfriend.

Natasha heard your shoes scuffle against the hardwood of the hallway, her heart skipped a beat as you approached her with a reserved smile. One she would never tire of seeing, and she quickly pulled you into her side with pride as her sisters girlfriend was left to gawk at you.

“Kate Bishop, this is Y/N Stark, my sister’s long time girlfriend, and heiress of Stark Industries.”

Kate smiled nervously, hand trembling as she reached for yours, “Nice to meet you Y/N, I-wow, you look rather dapper if you don’t mind me saying so.”

Time stood still for a moment, you’d been so used to the compliments of others irking you that you weren’t used to this euphoria upon hearing something outside of the usual beautiful, or pretty. Natasha bit her tongue, she had a moment of understanding once she saw the way your eyes momentarily sparkled at the woman.

“Kate Bishop!” Yelena snarked, “Y/N is a —.”

Before the blonde could ruin the highlight of your year you raised a hand, effectively shushing her, “Thank you Kate, it’s lovely to meet you as well, you look dazzling in your sundress, it suits you .”

Natasha glared at you playfully, and you smiled back at her knowingly. “Hello gorgeous.”

“Hello my love,” she made sure not to comment on your appearance. A part of her felt guilty for not noticing the signs sooner, but it melted away as you kissed her tenderly, as if the prying eyes of hazel and chestnut weren’t right there.

“Disgusting,” Yelena gagged, “Let us go eat!”

“Ooh!” You clapped, “Where are we eating?”

Yelena hesitated to answer you, she knew your teasing would likely ensue, “Applebees…”

“Why?” You looked at the blonde with a smirk, “So you can have a Kraft kids meal?”

“What I’m ordering is none of your business!” She shouted, voice cracking as she did with her buff arms now crossed over her chest in defiance of her obvious predictability. “For your information, cyka, I love to have entertainment with my meals, you guys are too boring.”

“Oh, so the crayons do it for you?”

“Yes!” Yelena threw her hands up as if this was the most obvious answer, “There’s tic tac toe, word search, and coloring. With you two it’s just googly eyes, and talk of how work went.”

“Yelena, your girlfriend is coming too.”

“I know,” she whispered like she was telling you a classified secret, “She’s a little boring too…”

“I don’t know,” you spoke rather loudly, “Kate doesn’t seem boring to me, she seems fun!”

Yelena glared at you, then ran towards the car after shoving you into a tree. Natasha quickly helped you to your feet, raising her brow at you in subtle judgment, you shrugged. “So worth it.”

Natasha shook her head, “Yeah, until one of you kills each other, then I’m down a lover and sister.”

A smile of appreciation broke out on your face making the redheads heart flutter, for another moment in time you both just stared at each other as if the world had stopped orbiting the sun. But it was short lived as the hot ball of gas shrieked from the backseat of Nat’s corvette.

“Hey Poser! And Poser’s stupid GI Joe doll, hurry the heck up! Some of us have worked up mega appetites this morning you know?!”

Natasha looked to you in horror, but fortunately Kate was quick to quell her worries as she gingerly walked by the tree, “Yeah, we went on that five mile morning hike, I’m truly famished.”

“Slava Bogu,” Natasha murmured in relief in her mother tongue, her hand then slid perfectly into yours so she could now walk in stride with you.

(Thank God)

—

By the time the two of you returned to the compound you were exhausted. Lunch turned into a day’s worth of fun after Yelena begged the two of you to go mini golfing with them as well. As much as you enjoyed teasing the blonde, you also loved her to pieces and knew how exciting and new being in America was for her. So even if you wanted to say no, you truthfully wouldn’t. You could tell Natasha felt the same way when she looked at you for permission to agree to stay.

It was only 8pm, but the two of you snuck off to your room after hurriedly eating the stew on the stove Wanda had left for you two to reheat. After a joint shower, and a quick bedtime routine you found yourself snuggled into the redheads chest as an unwatched movie played on the screen.

The longer you laid there in her arms, replaying the day’s events while listening to the rhythmic beat of her heart the more you began to feel your anxieties melting away. Natasha had shown you time and time again that she loved you, and there wasn’t much of a question on if she’d continue to. The way she looked at you at lunch told you she knew enough, and when all she did was run her hand over yours tenderly before turning to scold her sister you knew you were giving the looming dread far too much power.

Natasha could feel your tears seeping through her shirt, but she didn’t say anything, she only held you that much tighter as she hummed a lullaby. You let out all the pent of frustration with each tear released, most directed at the world for putting you in such a predicament, some at yourself for all the years you lost hiding, and the rest for the family you still worried might leave.

“Natty?” You sniffled, “Ca-can we talk please?”

Natasha reluctantly let you out of her grasp so you could both sit up, the redhead sat against the headboard while you settled in the center of the mattress with your leg crossed over the other.

“What’s the matter my love?” Natasha’s tone was softer than normal, it also sounded like she was on the verge of tears herself, and that honestly terrified you. Maybe she was going to end things if you said what you planned to, but before you could shame spiral once again, you finally lifted your head up from your lap and looked into her glistening eyes, and you knew she wouldn’t.

“I-um,” you began to fiddle with your hands, nails picking at the sensitive cuticles until the redhead clasped her hands over yours. “It’s okay, you can tell me when you’re ready baby, there’s no rush.”

You knew that was her subtle way of saying she knew, and the fact that she wasn’t tossing you out of what used to be her room was the final confirmation you needed to speak your truth.

“I’m non-binary!” You blurted the words, and as you let them pass your lips for the first time a healing cry shortly followed. Your body racked with sobs, and Natasha pulled you into her lap.

Natasha coo’d, “I’m so proud of you baby,” she rocked you softly, and held you incredibly tight, “You’re so strong, and I’m so lucky that you trusted me with this, thank you so much baby.”

“W-we’re okay?” Your trembling voice and lip broke the redhead's heart, a tear finally fell from her eyes as she understood just how scared you were of her reaction. “Yes, we’re fine my love.”

Her lips pressed to your forehead reassuringly before they found their rightful home against yours. “You’re my soulmate Y/N, I love you for who you are, and I promise that’ll never change.”

A few beats of silence fell before anyone spoke again. “What does this change for you love?”

“I’m still figuring it all out Natty, but I,” you took in a deep breath to calm your racing heart, “I’d like to start going by they/them pronouns, and I don’t want to wear dresses to my dads stupid galas.”

Natasha chuckled softly, “That’s easy enough.”

“I don’t know how to tell him Nat, I’m scared.”

Natasha cupped your cheek, her thumb running across your cheek tenderly as she stared into your eyes. “I am with you every step of the way.” She pressed a firm kiss to your lips to seal her sentiments in completely. “I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“What if it isn’t?”

Natasha shrugged, “It will be,” she smirked softly when you pouted. “Because, if he is anything but understanding I’ll just hack into his suits again like when he tried to say we couldn’t date.”

When you laughed unabashedly Natasha knew she’d done all that she was able to here. If Tony, or anyone for that matter, had anything negative to say when the time came, she’d handle them accordingly. For now though, all she wanted to do was hold you impossibly close, until you never questioned the strength of her love for you again.

——

2,975 Words

❤️ Kaitlyn 🥹

[reki-of-the-valley]

My thoughts on Turning Red

Before I jump into this, I wanna say that 1) this is salt-free. I genuinely loved the movie and found it super cute and deeply resonated with me so I'm just gonna talk about what I found cool and stuff, 2) this is the opinion of a half Chinese Canadian who is not from Toronto, so there might have been some Toronto stuff that I missed, and who is not a 90s kid, but the experience was still pretty similar, 3) I don't know how coherent any of this is going to be

Also, under cut because spoilers and it got long

I'll start with general praise of the animation, visuals, and everything: The body diversity was amazing.

I'm going to be totally honest: Disney has not always been the best with body diversity. All the protagonists and princesses that I grew up with were (mostly white) skinny girls with Barbie proportions. So seeing this cast of girls with totally different body types just made me so happy. Growing up, I looked a lot like Abby, from being a heavier girl to being one of the shortest of my class to the long hair and fringe, and I also acted a lot like her (highly energetic and borderline violent), so seeing an Asian kid who reminded me of me was really cool. And while my experience aligned more with Meilin's (y'know from being a Chinese Canadian and stuff), visually and personality-wise, Abby really resonated with me.

Also, about the bodies, I actually adored that you could see these were girls going through puberty but not at the same speed. It's dumb to get fixated on this, but boobs. 13 is a hella weird age because of puberty and some girls look more child-like while others look a lot older because of bodily changes, and I just really liked that the girls didn't all have the same chest size or a tiny waist. Especially given that if you look up Disney princesses, they all have pretty much the same body. So it was really cool to me that these girls were all so different (also 2 East Asian girls and a South Asian girl!!!)

Also also, not much to say but THEIR NOSES!!!!! I love how they all had different noses!! It was just 💛💛 I liked that a lot

Next: the tween/teen experience

So I won't lie: I cringed so hard while watching this movie. But I didn't cringe because "ew, that's so bad." I cringed because my brain immediately reminded me that "Hey dumbass, look, you did the exact same thing when you were 13."

I won't hide it: I'm someone who is not (and probably never was) attracted to men. Still, that didn't stop me from having a Boy-Crazy phase, except that it was towards fictional men. But how I acted about these boys I had a "crush" on was pretty much the same as how these girls. I'd see fanart about my fictional crushes and call them hot and sexy (which, unrelated to this point, was so weird and amazing to hear in a PG Disney movie). And yeah, I too drew self-insert fanart and wrote self-insert fanfiction with these crushes. Which is totally cringe but totally a 13 (and 14 and just teenage) year old thing to do. And if you think I didn't call my most intense crush the father of my children (be they be plushies or characters in video games, kinda like Mei's Tomagatchi) then you'd be totally wrong. So that? Spot on. 100% the 13-year-old girl experience

The way they act was just so. On point too. I know people have talked about the reaction any middle-schooler would have to see a giant red panda would be to squeal and call it cute, and I totally agree, but I won't be talking about that. I'm mostly thinking about the start of the movie. I'm talking about when Mei says "Ha! Except I'm not like that!" and when the title comes up, she does all those just so typically Weird Teen things. I used to act like that when I was 13. So yes, I cringed so much, but because it was spot on. And again, Abby, how she acts in her introduction (and just generally throughout the movie) was 100% 13 y/o Ellie. I used to scream and intimidate the other kids, except I wasn't screaming in another language because I never learned my ""Asian Language"" (Abby is Korean, but I would have learned Cantonese if my family didn't go out of its way to completely whitewash us because being Asian was Bad(tm) and knowing Cantonese would have been an invitation to bully us). But yeah, tiny cutesie bully girl deeply resonated with me and just gave me flashbacks to being 13.

I won't talk too much about this because I don't have much to say but even the vocabulary was so 13 year old. I counted 3 crap throughout the movie but I really liked how Mei didn't just say crap. She also used crud which I found really funny because it's just so... tween of her. Like, the age where you start swearing but there's still that lingering "wait that's a bad word" so you replace it with something close but not bad? (I remember replacing shit with shiitake mushroom which totally ruined the flow of a sentence, but it was the early censoring). And there were other expressions that we used as tweens (but in the early 2010s, not early 2000s) like "the bomb dot com." It was really cool that even the vocabulary was pretty spot on.

Period talk and being overly emotional

I could but this with the whole tween thing, but I want to make it its own category. Not only did I find it super impressive that periods were discussed in a PG Disney movie (which will lessen the tabooness of the subject) but they didn't make it totally ridiculous and horrible. Like, yeah, they ridiculed it and made it a bit of a mortifying thing, but it wasn't SO bad. Like. I laughed because I remember how embarrassing it was at first and I hid it for so long from my parents. There was no discussing that, so seeing Ming talk to Mei about her changing body and showing all these pads? Kinda cool, ngl. So maybe in the future, it'll be less embarrassing for kids to talk about menstruation? I sure hope so

I also loved how messy the emotions were in this movie. From Mei's uncontrollable crying to her anger to her joy, it was just so, so good. And even seeing her sorta exploring her sexuality? 10/10. loved it. I don't know what to say, but I'm so happy that she wasn't the stereotypical overly zen or no emotions Chinese girl, even if the whole point of the movie was her controlling her emotions. Because while she was supposed to control them, she never really did. She controlled them enough to not harm others, but even then, sometimes she would lose control, which is, again, a very teenager thing to do. Hormones make them snappier and they're going through so much, so it was cool seeing that happen on a screen.

Now, the good stuff. The Canadian Chinese representation in the movie.

That was my biggest fear when starting this movie: I was terrified that they were going to butcher the Chinese Canadian experience. I was terrified that they were going to make it totally stereotypical and just completely disconnected. But they didn't! They actually did a super good job with the Chinese rep!

On the more superficial side of things: the decor was spot on. The house just. I could smell my grandparents' house just from looking at the Lee house. A lot of small details that made me smile: the random orchid, the Chinese calendar on the wall, the kitchenware, Mei's room, the bathroom. And how they were always wearing slippers? Very Chinese. Even the car, the beads on the driver seat? Such a small detail that just had me going "oh wow, I forgot about those." And the temple? Now, I don't remember when's the last time I walked into a temple, it was probably when I went to China, so idk what a temple of the sort would look like in Canada since our China Town sucks ass, but I still got the whole vibe. And you know when they're praying to the ancestors with the fire thingies (I never know what they're actually called)? Spot on. We don't do it at a temple, but whenever we go to the graveyard, exactly that + another extra food ritual. It was so weird to see it happening in an animated kids' movie, but it was also so cool. So I really liked that.

I also highly enjoyed how much Cantonese was being thrown around in the background and how there was the presence of Asian accents. The one I noticed most was Jin (the dad). He doesn't talk much, but he has a slight accent which made me smile like a dumbass. It doesn't change much, but I liked that there was that little bit, that they didn't just take white VAs or Asians without accents. Felt a little more like home? Idk. I liked it.

Also, on the note of language: Mei-Mei. Idk if it's the same in Mandarin, but in Cantonese, repeating a word is like a childish/cutesie way of saying things. So when talking to a kid, you might go "do you want milk-milk?" or "do you want a blanket-blanket?" so Mei-Mei would be a cute diminutive to Meilin that is really rooted in Cantonese tradition of saying things childishly or cutely. And I found that detail really cute.

Also also on the note of language: Mommy. idk if it's only a Chinese thing, but man. Even if I refer to my parents as Mom/Dad, whenever something goes wrong or I want some kind of attention, it's automatically Mommy/Daddy, which you can see Mei do. Like when she's crying in bed? She cries Mommy, but otherwise, she refers to her mother as mom. Also, the way Ming refers to herself as Mommy really hits home for me. My parents don't do that, but my grandparents do, so whenever I'm talking about my parents to them, it's automatically Mommy/Daddy, even if I'm not a little kid anymore. So yeah, another little language thing I really liked.

I know this is a stereotype, but it's true: Food. Always more food. And even the food that was being thrown around, it was all foods I know. From the dumplings (At first I thought they were Har Gow but I think they were just soup dumplings or something) to the oranges, I really laughed because that's the foods that my grandparents shove in my face whenever I see them. Again, not much to say, but it did make me smile a lot to see that. (Also that cooking scene was so sexy??? I could watch it for hours on end and it totally made me want to go make dumplings)

Another little detail that made my heart jump was the Aunties. From the way they appeared to how they acted towards Mei? Very auntie-like. All that would have been missing for it to truly be the Auntie Experience is for Mei to ask "so who is that?" only to be told that it's "your grandmother's friend's sister's best friend" or something like that. And also, how they were dressed?? I have 100% seen Aunties dressed like that so it was hilarious to see.

A more Chinese thing superstition, but the number 4. I missed it the first time, but the way the grandmother says "Four is the worst number"??? Just. Just so true. So for anyone who doesn't know, the number four sounds a lot like death in Cantonese (and maybe also in Mandarin, but idk Mandarin at all, so idk). So four is the worst number ever and even if I'm not superstitious, even I avoid the number four if I can. So seeing that acknowledged was kinda wild and made me weirdly happy.

I also really adored the jade jewelry. It was a nice touch that was to be expected, but still made me smile.

Now, the generational trauma. I cannot not acknowledge it. so here's a little bit on that.

Honor. Honoring your parents. Doing everything they want. Now, that's not just a Chinese thing, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a very Chinese experience. I too was a straight-A student like Mei who was particularly good at math. The only thing was that I had no musical talent and my parents never wanted to pay for the lessons, but that's the whitewashing. But yeah, had to have the best grades to make the parents proud. It was always all about searching for parental approval, especially maternal approval, which can be seen in this movie.

Now, I should say this: my mother is white. My father is Chinese, my mother is white. So my experience doesn't exactly align with the big Chinese Canadian experience, but I still think that I have something to say. Because despite the fact that my mother is white, she very much adopted the Chinese way of raising us, aka extremely high expectations and never letting us go out like the other kids. And, much like Ming, she is big on the gaslighting. (see Ming's "Don't blame me" for how Mei is feeling and how she feels like she was missing out on the teenage experience and stuff)

But anyway, the way I cried when hearing lines like "I never went to concerts. I put my family first. I tried to be a good daughter!" and "Sorry I'm not perfect! Sorry I'm not good enough! Sorry I'll never be like you!" Because those sound like lines I've either heard from my mother or from my (Chinese) aunt or lines I've said. "Sorry I'm not perfect" is definitely something I have said. So seeing such a horrible thing on a screen and then seeing it repaired? Man. I cried like a dumbass.

But more about the wanting mother's approval. Short anecdote: the first time I saw Turning Red, I saw it with my mother. she couldn't relate to anything and immediately went "That was a terribly disappointing movie" and of course, still wanting my mother's approval, I agreed. I was ready to call it disappointing at best, but then I realized that no, I will enjoy this movie. I will enjoy this movie that has a girl that's so much like me, hence the rewatch 24 hours later. But can you see how the desire for approval is just ingrained in me? So hearing more lines like "I'm so sick of being perfect. I'm never gonna be good enough for her. Or anyone" really just took me out. It was the little things and the bigger things that made me enjoy this movie so so much

So TL;DR the Chinese Canadian rep was amazing and I highly enjoyed Turning Red. I haven't often seen protagonists that represent me, so it was kinda amazing to see. I just really really liked this movie, from the wonderful representation of the 13-year-old Fangirl Weird Girl experience to the Asian experience. It was a really cool and cute movie and I highly recommend it, even if Disney as a company sucks ass. so yeah! That's what I thought about the movie!

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Thoughts on the ship Rosalie/Bella?

While it’s a nice thought, sadly, I don’t think either Rosalie or Bella are what the other would ever seek in a partner.

Indeed, I think the other would be too close of a reminder to what they see in the worst of themselves. So, even in better circumstances, I don’t think they’d choose each other.

Let’s break that down.

What is Rosalie Looking For?

Rosalie’s past is one filled with brutal trauma, betrayal, and heartbreak. She has been violated by men in the worst of ways, betrayed by the man she thought would be her husband, and then has the surreal experience of being turned into something that, while alive, is not human.

She romanticizes the human life she could have had, clinging to it, never acknowledging that circumstances were such that she never would have had it.

Rosalie never was going to get that simple future of being a humble, good, simple man’s wife with beautiful children and a comfortable life. She was raised in society, uncommonly beautiful and charming, and was set to marry the wealthiest man she could. It might not have been Royce, she could have married a good man, but she would have married into this wealthy world and not ended up with someone like Emmett.

I think this is very telling.

For very understandable reasons, Rosalie has never confronted nor truly gotten over her trauma. Oh, she murdered her rapists and murderers, and put their deaths behind her, she married Emmett and has a (fairly) good relationship with him, but she hasn’t taken her full final steps to recovery.

I think this in part shows in her ending up with a guy like Emmett.

Emmett’s not bad, don’t get me wrong, but it’s very telling in what he loves of Rosalie and that Rosalie loves him for it.

He worships her beauty above all other things and is described as a very simple but pleasant and laidback guy. I think Rosalie is at the point where she wants to be worshipped, especially for the quality that was most valued in her human life, her beauty.

She wants to be with someone safe, someone who loves her, and that someone is definitely Emmett.

I think in the short run this works out very well for the pair of them and perhaps even in the long run. I think both could have chosen a better partner.

Rosalie is complicated, she’s not the shallow vain bitch Edward complains she is nor is she what Emmett seems to see her as. Emmett doesn’t really get his wife, or defend her all that much, he’s in love with her beautiful cheerleader persona. Rosalie, similarly, is in love with this man whose greatest attribute is his love of her. I’m sure there are moments she finds Emmett rather boorish and slow on the uptake.

What Do I Think Rosalie Needs?

To be honest, of all the characters where I raise my eyebrow at Meyer putting them with someone of the opposite gender, Rosalie’s one of the ones where they raise the highest.

Even Carlisle, when Rosalie drags in this man’s bleeding carcass, goes, “Oh, is this your cousin?” And has a “Him?!” moment when Rosalie explains this is her new husband.

I always would have expected, especially after her experiences, for Rosalie to be with a woman. That said, I do think her society’s prejudices and expectations would be a huge barrier for her and she’d have to do a lot of character growth before this would ever be possible. And I mean a lot of character growth, as in, Rosalie hasn’t reached this point even post Twilight saga.

Right, regardless of gender, I think Rosalie needs a partner who a) understands her b) does not value her looks c) accepts the good and the bad parts of her.

Like all of us, Rosalie is flawed. She’s a very impressive, down right intimidating, woman who has an iron clad will and gets what she wants. She has a deep love for her family and a great capacity for compassion. However, there are times when she’s the sixteen-year-old girl who has very much not escaped her society’s mindset. She fully advocates Bella Swan’s murder so the family won’t have to move, not realizing until Carlisle points it out that this is a heinous thing to do. Rosalie says vicious, racist, things to Jake likely never realizing exactly what it is she’s saying. She’s stubborn, proud, and as Edward put it a bit pig-headed.

Emmett tends to just go “Yeah, she’s a bitch, but she’s my bitch”. Which... great, thanks Emmett, that’s very helpful.

Bella Swan is Not That Person

Bella per the start of the series is a seventeen-year-old girl with cripplingly low self-esteem, huge parental issues, and a dangerous inclination towards depression.

Bella shows serious interest in women sexually (her relationship with Alice has some serious homoerotic undertones) but she’s also very intimidated by them. Rosalie, especially, makes Bella evaluate and feel worse about herself as she knows she will never be as beautiful as this teenage blonde goddess.

In other words, this Bella is not in a position to be the kind of person Rosalie needs. She’s too caught up in figuring out who she herself is, cares very much about Rosalie’s appearance and using it to compare against her own, and isn’t stable enough to be what Rosalie needs.

And by the end of canon... Well... Bella’s left the planet and will soon join Esme in being a hauntingly strange person entirely divorced from reality.

What if we’re in a slightly AU world?

Well, we’re banking on a lot of character development for Bella that I don’t believe can happen with Edward around. Either Bella shows interest in Edward or, well, he eats her. (No, seriously, this is canon, both Alice and Edward confirm as much.) 

And if the family packs up and leaves during New Moon and never comes back... Well, of all the people Bella might end up with after that, I think Rosalie might just be the least likely (not to mention Rosalie would not be down for hanging around Edward’s stupid human girlfriend).

What is Bella Looking For?

Bella’s looking for validation of her very self. She wants to be loved, more than that, she wants to be worth something.

Bella has such a low opinion of herself that, at this point in her life, she needs this feeling to come from elsewhere. She finds this in both Edward and Jacob.

And it doesn’t matter how scary they are (and both are, indeed, very scary towards her), it doesn’t matter what it is they value, just that they both seem to want her even though she’s a foolish, clumsy, pale, ugly, human, nobody, loser. 

That’s all Bella wants.

Edward’s a perfect storm in that he’s inhumanly perfect, beautiful beyond all comprehension, and completely obsessed with her. In Edward’s eyes, Bella is not just perfect, she’s fascinating.

And then, of course, she’s not and it utterly destroys her. 

Basically, Bella’s is a very sad life.

What Does Bella Need?

Bella needs time to grow up and find out who she is and how to value that.

Bella is your very typical teenage girl. She’s precocious, has a lot of issues growing up with her mom, but she has a lot of issues many teenage girls do have.

I think, before Bella can find a truly good partner, she needs to learn how to value herself.

This will be painful and take a lot of time. In New Moon, I think Jake actually sets her back as she uses him to find value in herself for her (essentially replacing Edward).

Only after Bella discovers who she is, reaffirms why she is important and worthy of love, can she find someone.

What does that person look like?

Well, it sure as fuck isn’t Vampire Patrick Bateman, otherwise known as Edward Cullen. Nor is it Jake Black who sexually assaults her, tells her to kiss him or he’ll kill himself, then tells her that her dying is pointless as it means he and Edward fought over nothing. 

It also isn’t Alice, who treats Bella a lot like she would a life-sized Barbie Doll rather than a friend and a human being.

I’m not sure who it is, to be honest.

Someone who recognizes who Bella is, certainly, the good and the bad. Someone who is able to... reconcile her with the world she truly lives in. Maybe, circumstances changing around a bit, it’s Carlisle Cullen? (Though that would certainly be a dumpster fire of divorce and despair with Edward and Esme) Maybe it’s Jasper (also a dumpster fire of divorce and despair with Edward and Alice)? 

I really have no idea here. Unlike Rosalie, I can’t even tell you what this person would need to be like.

What I do know is...

Rosalie is Not That Person

Just as Bella views Rosalie as a threat, as something to measure herself against and feel unworthy of in every way, Rosalie does the same.

Bella is a pretty human woman who captures Edward’s attention in a way she never can. Rosalie, at the time we start canon, for all her accomplishments and all she’s done is still insecure enough that she needs to be the prettiest woman in the room. 

Just as Bella’s not secure enough to be what Rosalie needs, Rosalie is not secure enough to be what Bella needs.

Rosalie also doesn’t see Bella for what she is. Rosalie sees, at first, a normal boring human teenager and dismisses her. She falls into the typical Cullen trap (for all but Carlisle) that they forget humans are people too. Later, Bella discounts Rosalie’s very earnest advice and Rosalie never forgives her for it. This is understandable, Rosalie lays her soul bare, but she forgets Bella’s a teenage girl and more can’t see what Bella herself is battling with.

Bella thinks being human is worthless because Bella thinks being Bella is worthless. Children and a human future mean nothing to her.

It would take a lot, A LOT, of character development for Rosalie to be someone that Bella needs in this situation and even then... Well, they’d have to deal with the horrifying shit show that is Edward. Because if Edward/Bella isn’t happening...

It’s lunch time.

TL;DR

I’d say pin your hopes on Alice/Bella, except that one’s not happening either for all that they do have their very homoerotic friendship.

[literateleah]

the paradox of emily prentiss’ audience perception and character design

some of y’all about to be real mad at me, but it must be said:

emily prentiss’ character design makes no sense: my personal opinion + an objective analysis

i think it can be challenging to separate the versions of characters we have in our little brains from actual canon content, but doing so is important for understanding what those characters are truly like, especially within the context of their environment and in contrast to others around them. plus developing a deeper understanding of the media we consume is super fun and interesting! with that being said: emily prentiss should not work for the fbi and here’s why (in three parts regarding who’s responsible: cbs, paget, and fans) (sit down and grab a snack i promise this is over 3k words)

quick disclaimer: i don’t dislike emily at all! that’s my girl, i just looked closer and realized some funky things the writers did and felt the need to analyze her of course: so let’s get into it

part one: what cbs did

cbs set the stage for emily’s introduction on the heels of the departure of lola glaudini as elle greenaway! lola has clarified that she decided to leave the show because filming in los angeles was not the best environment for her personally, and after one successful season on a major network (but not much established long term plot or drama beyond elle’s departure as a character) a consistent ensemble cast was required- particularly because the bau had been criticized for being predominantly male in the first few episodes of the show and not much development was given to penelope or jj yet. enter emily prentiss.

for the duration of seasons 2-3ish, emily was framed as a chip off the block that was elle greenaway, just slightly…richer? in her first few episodes emily was hesitantly polite but ambitious, clean cut, intellectually concise and held her own within the team. she seemed equal parts intimidated and frustrated by her male superiors (gideon, hotch) but certainly proves herself among other profilers. her childhood was explored only within reference to her strained relationship with her mother (which was only ever referenced once more after the fact) and we received a short overview of her educational and career history in her first few episodes. emily fit right into the hole elle had left, and didn’t have many major storylines yet.

seasons 4-6 brought a bit more development and depth to emily’s character! she begins dropping more snarky remarks, one liners, and socially deepening her relationships with the other team members. this seems more within the lines of elle’s design, but emily arguably took more time to grow into her place within the team. during the foyet arc she was vulnerable and supportive, and the doyle arc gave her some independence and agency she didn’t have previously. this era also solidified her appearance and persona as more edgy, which falls in line with general fanon perception of her character (especially when compared to jj or penelope). i can’t address this era or season 7 without mentioning that cbs was actively trying to remove paget from the cast, similar to how they did to aj cook as well. paget has spoken about this instance before, and i believe it slightly affected her portrayal of her character, and “lauren” was somewhat of a goodbye for both paget and emily (thus why she wished for mgg to direct since they were best friends).

season 7: in my opinion, one of the best seasons for emily. she was wisened and deeply wounded by her experiences with doyle, which was understandable of course. she returned to the team she loved and learned to appreciate life in a different way, remaining mature during this time period as well! though her departure was a bit less than graceful and sudden at the end of this season, it made sense compared to some other exits the team had seen.

now *sigh* all the rest.

paget as emily appears in two separate guest appearances (once in s9 and once in s11, and she is referenced offscreen as well) before permanently reprising her role as unit chief of the bau. these appearances were most likely to boost ratings and get the team back together (i.e. 200) or just to pepper in international cases (tribute). emily’s personality remains pretty consistent here, just more mature and comfortable in leadership positions (seeing as she is running an entire branch of an international law enforcement organization). then season 12 hit.

upon the departure of thomas gibson as hotch, cbs reached out to paget to see if she would be interested in fulfilling her role as emily within a longer term unit chief position. i’ll get into why this is wack in a few paragraphs, but the remainder of her time on the show is spent on a mature portrayal that seems very distant from her previous versions. emily is more authoritative, gives orders with ease, and has no qualms about leading a team of agents or even receiving promotion offers as director of the entire bureau.

thus concludes a general summary of the canon content cbs gave us as viewers. now let's talk about what they didn’t give us, regrettably

the primary aspect of emily’s design that comes to mind for many is her queer coding. though not much was to be expected from cbs, a prime time cable tv network, each of her relationships on the show (all with men) seemed oddly forced, and without much chemistry as compared to the SOs of other main characters. rumors of scrapped plotlines have floated around about what may have been, but the ultimate lack of acknowledgement of any queer characters in the main ensemble still leaves a feeling of disappointment to audiences, and leaves more to be desired as for how emily navigates social bonds.

part two (sidebar): what paget did

i think it could be agreed within audiences that paget brewster’s portrayal of emily made the role what it was! her dry witty delivery and emotional prowess combined with sitcom acting experience made her performance a mainstay for years. i think she did the best she could with a confusing and at times flat characterization, and brought the role to life.

paget also heavily contributes to fanon indirectly with her comments outside of the show (press, cameos, twitter etc). her general continued interest and fondness for the role post production affects fan perception, particularly in what she chooses to elevate and comment on. she and aj have both spoken about viewing jemily content, and paget and thomas have both also commented on hotchniss. most cast members feel free to comment on their characters in the appropriate timing, and seem open to discussing fanon ships and theories outside of canon!

part three: what fanon did

as we can tell from this fan space as well as the presence on insta, tik tok and twitter, fans LATCHED onto emily super quickly. she’s remained a favorite over the years, and this fan persistence is what brought her back so many times after leaving (so many times). in my opinion, queer coding and a bolder female trope (in contrast to her female counterparts) are the main pulls because they resonated with so many fans- new and old. with that being said, newer fans of the show in the past year in particular have been heavily influential in fanon, solely because of the large influx of fan content and popularity of it.

fan content began to take coding and bite size moments and snippets from the show as canon, and cemented it into much of the content and discourse they created. these small pieces of emily’s character are significant, but have become magnified by how easily they are to share and edit. for example, a collection of catchy one liners from emily over the seasons makes for a great video edit intro, or gifset! there’s absolutely no problem with this content, it just all combines to create a certain fanon perception no character escapes (this isn’t a phenomenon limited to emily or the cm fandom!)

these droves of content also solidified emily’s personality as much more defined, but at the same time, simplified it in a way that’s slightly harder to explain.

fanon: more emo/goth than canon basis

fanon: more introverted/anti social than canon basis

fanon: more violent/chaotic when canon emily is relatively well mannered and doesn’t start many conflicts (particularly in the workspace)

fanon: much less maternal when canon emily displays desire on multiple occasions (even crossing professional borders) for children, particularly teenage girls (possibly projection)

(again, nothing wrong with this interpretation at all and it still varies! This is just a generalization based on most of the popular content i have seen)

part 4: why it doesn’t work

let me start with this: emily prentiss does not like her job.

we don’t receive much in depth information about emily’s internal feelings and thoughts towards her mother beyond resentment. this stems from wanting to make it on her own, as a professional and as an individual (cough cough college deposits). this makes emily’s insistence on proving herself to authority figures in her earlier seasons is interesting to watch in different circumstances. she cites her experience and denies help from her mother when justifying her placement in the bau to hotch, she is extra vigilant about being helpful on her first case with gideon, etc. nevertheless, emily forges her own path outside of diplomacy and becomes a successful profiler and agent, with the help of her privilege, wealth and name whether she likes it or not. but if we read between the lines and fill in the blanks cbs neglected, these ambitions may subconsciously be oriented towards pleasing her mother.

example one: emily’s authority issues go further than just “rebellion” or “anarchy”, she frequently questions the ethics and sustainability of the work that the bau does. every team member does this, but emily much more so than anybody else.

in “amplification”, emily almost breaks federal protocol to inform civilians of anthrax threats. she butts heads with both hotch and rossi on this front, and ends the episode with having a conversation with rossi about the ethics of lying in their line of work. emily resigns to a solemn “it be like that” and moves along, accepting this reality.

on multiple different occasions emily laments to derek about the darkness she sees on the job, and it’s shown that this gets to her quickly on particularly bad cases. this is another contradiction of the design that she can supposedly “compartmentalize” better than others on the team, when she cannot unless the lives of others are at risk (doyle arc, s7 finale).

emily also responds in this way to many cases involving children, a similarity to jj many don’t notice upon first watching the series. “seven seconds” and “children of the dark” come to mind, during the latter in which emily is prepared to cross multiple professional lines to adopt a teenage girl left orphaned by the case, until hotch stops her and establishes that her emotions can’t rule her judgement on the job. regardless of hotch’s thoughts about her attempted caretaking abilities, these actions and impulses deeply contradict the typical bureaucratic pathways of the work the bau does.

the looming reputation of her mother’s diplomatic history hangs over emily, and after going to law school and working for the cia, she most likely did want to forge her own path as far away from being a socialite: being a spy. her inner nature doesn’t always reflect this profession, and leads me to believe that with her knowledge of psychology, law procedure and care for children: emily prentiss might be more inclined to working in social work, placing suffering children and teenagers in homes they deserve.

and finally, the hill i will die on: emily prentiss was an bad unit chief

this wonderful post touches on my general sentiment, but there were many reasons as to why emily prentiss’ career arc makes little to no sense (plot holes included).

first: her background. emily attended chesapeake bay university as well as yale and achieved a ba in criminal justice. keep in mind that though timelines evidently don’t exist in the cm universe, emily prentiss is ONE YEAR older than aaron hotchner (for context). in her first episode, she professes that she has worked for the bureau for a little under ten years in midwestern offices- something the audience laters knows to not be true. emily worked with the cia and interpol as a part of a profiling team and undercover agent up until roughly TWO YEARS before her canon introduction. plot holes and time gaps aside, this makes me wonder, why didn’t she just say the cia was a backstop without revealing the highly confidential nature of her work with doyle (similar to jj’s state department backstop and cover story)? penelope or hotch could have easily accessed her file and seen that she did not in fact have experience with the bureau in midwestern offices recently, and given the fact that erin strauss set up her bau placement, i’m presuming these formalities or references were overlooked.

second: her experience within the team. emily worked as a part of the bau with the bureau for roughly 6 or 7 years. after this, she is invited to run the entire london branch of interpol, one of the most renowned international law enforcement organizations. i’m surely not the most knowledgeable on requirements or standard timelines for such matters, but with the fact that emily had never led a team in her life (not in the bau or interpol previously) and had roughly 10 years of field experience, i don’t believe she would have ever realistically been considered eligible to run the whole london department.

third: her return to the bureau. fanon depiction of their relationship aside, if you believe aaron hotchner’s last wish before going into witsec was to entrust his team to emily prentiss, you’re dead mistaken. bringing emily back was clearly a pull for ratings after the loss of two main characters (hotch and derek), but logistically a bad decision. let’s suppose emily has had 4 or 5 years of experience in london now, this established authority position would be unlikely to change at the drop of a hat, even for old teammates or friends. also considering how close they were after a decade of working closely in bureaucratic and field contexts, i firmly believe hotch would have referred jj for the job of unit chief but that’s another discussion for another time.

emily’s reign as unit chief is odd, because of the many chaotic storylines crammed into it. but amidst bad writing and viewings plummeting, emily’s character is completely flattened. completely. emily is unrecognizable, both in appearance (that god awful wig) and personality. at times she acts as a complete wise authority, giving orders and delegating local authorities as hotch did. but at other times she makes multiple illegal, emotional, and incorrect judgement calls based on personal circumstances that lead to further chaos (deleting the recording of her and reid’s mexico conversation and reprimanding luke in “luke” for the exact same thing she did in season 6 even though she enabled her to do so come to mind).

i’m not sure if this is due to paget trying to find her footing in the role again, or the writer’s bad decisions towards the end of the show wrecking any previous design for their ensemble. then, there’s the infamous “wheels up” scene in s13e1. notoriously cringey, this seems like a vague caricature of something rossi would say many years in the past (the same goes for her pep talk in “red light” in the hunt for diana reid). these moments are meant to mature emily in the audience’s eye, but instead completely removed her from who we understood her to be, and made her an unreliable leader.

part five: and why it does

in theory, emily was a bolder foil to jj, similar to elle who she arguably replaced at first. she came into her own, and stands as a more uniquely developed character than almost any other in the main ensemble. she isn’t as maternal or domestically inspiring as canon jj, less bright and sunny than penelope, not quite as stoic or intimidating as derek or hotch. And yet at the same time, she’s a fairly blank slate. stripping fanon content away entirely, canon emily has few defining traits (all of which are constantly changing), and that may be the key to why we love her so much.

[angelsswirl]

Dodging Angels

Company

Notes: A short chapter

Rating: M

Wrd Cnt: 900

Y/N: How about @kimjennie and I give you a sneek peak? Love Lies feat Jennie Kim coming in 2 days.

@kimjennie replied: @y/n 👀

You watched in amusement as your feed blew up. Your fans were always hungry for content and you loved giving it to them.

DeukieJen 🙃👅🐻: You really love giving your fans heart attacks, huh?

Y/N🙊🙄: You really love texting me like we aren't in the same room, huh?

Jennie looked up from her phone with a frown. You were sitting in the studio of some random radio show waiting for your interview to start and were bothering each other to past time.

In the time you had spent together recently you noticed you both had a lot in common and loved to tease each other about your individual interests.

Jennie made a face. Sure you were cool, but she had to make sure this relationship was strictly business. She was not the one to catch feelings. That's simply not the type of person she was. She had to keep her head clear and focus on making money for her family.

After a few more minutes the interview starts and the DJ immediately starts off with the hard questions.

"So you guys have been seen together lately, and I heard the song, it is more on the sexual side. Does this song have anything to do with your experience with each other?"

Jennie's eyes widen, she stays silent in hopes that you would save them.

"Ah. Okay, guess I'll go. This song was actually written before we even got our hands on it, so I would say it has little to do with our experience with each other. We had actually only met the same day that we recorded the song, but I'm glad we gave that good of a performance." You explained effortlessly. Jennie nudged you under the table as of to say 'Nice save'.

She had always found eloquence sexy, and you possessed the trait as if it was natural.

Jennie raised her eyebrow slightly. She had been having these unwanted thoughts for a while now. And she was kind of desperate for them to stop. She doesn't need any type of feelings to go with this little deal she has.

That would be the absolute worst thing to happen.

"Well, I can tell right now this song is going to be a hit. Your fans are in for a treat. I wish you all the best and thanks for coming in!"

Shopping as a celebrity was always...an event. Shopping as a celebrity with another celebrity was a nightmare.

Your security detail was decent sized. Two very large intimidating white men followed every step you made.

Jennie stared at them, her eyes wide. She watched as you interacted with the two as if they were harmless children.

The monsters were even nicknamed Baby Bear and Puppy. Jennie doesn't know if you gave those to them, or if they requested to be called that and at this point, she's too afraid to ask.

"Why are we shopping together again?" Jennie asked as she eyed all of the random patrons of whole foods. She never liked doing her own shopping. Her mom or her personal chef ended up doing most of the domestic things such as that for her. Being in the middle of so many hungry white women made her uncomfortable.

"You invited me out. Remember?" You explained as you tried to avoid taking yet another picture with yet another fan. Don't get yourself wrong, you loved your friends, but wouldn't you find it annoying if your every sentence was interrupted eighty times a day for a damn camera flash.

Jennie scrunched up her face. Yes, she remembered now. She did invite you to dinner. She didn't invite you to the fucking grocery store, however. Because who does that? Fucking. no one. No one invites someone out to whole foods!

"I was inviting you to dinner, not this common white squash convention." 

You nodded. You knew this. You weren't stupid. You're actually surprised Jennie hadn't picked up on your own plans yet. You sighed, clearly the girl was a tad bit slow and you would have to tell her. "I was grabbing ingredients so I could cook something for us, Idiot."

Jennie blinked. Oh. She hadn't made the connection. Well, she never claimed to be very smart outside of the studio.

"Oh. Well, in that case, I suddenly love it here and I am starving."

"Come on, Goofball. We gotta go now or else we will be up all night, and we can't because of the music video shoot tomorrow morning."

'Jennie Kim and Y/N were spotted out together once again ahead of their new single release. Is there love brewing for this smoking hot duo?'

Joel smirked in the quiet expanse of his empty office. Oh, he was so getting a promotion for this.

[tamakeey]

there are children present (pt. 1)

doctor! ushijima wakatoshi x doctor! reader

ushijima is was your typical pediatrician at the miyagi health clinic

the only difference is he’s 6′2 and very beefy which is pretty funny when he’s surrounded by kid-size furniture everyday

his rough exterior scares his patients at times but everyone in the pediatrics department knows he’s a real softie on the inside

everyone until y/n joins the pediatrics team at the miyagi health clinic

on her first day of work, y/n lost her way around the big building 

she looked in all directions hoping someone would see her confused stares and help a poor girl out

luckily ushijima spotted the girl while she was looking down at her phone, seeing the message her supervisor had sent her yesterday about the wing she would be working in

however, in y/n’s eyes, seeing a giant walking towards her with an intimidating aura made the girl shiver in her hospital clogs

as ushijima grew closer to her, she flinched in fear, and began chanting words along the lines of “pls spare me”

when ushijima saw her visibly shaking in his presence, his face morphed into one of confusion

in his mind he was questioning do I really scare people that much

 he took a deep breath and mustered up the most gentle, nurturing voice he could to speak to the woman

“I apologize if I startled you, it was never my intention. you just looked lost and I thought you would need some of my assistance” ushijima said shyly

y/n feels terrible having misjudged his intentions and forms a look of guilt on her face after hearing him speak to her, having a minor yachi panicking moment

“I’m so sorry, I’m just nervous around new people. I would greatly appreciate some help finding my way to the pediatrics department please. I would hate to be late on my first day” y/n responds while craning her neck upwards to look at the tower man

ushijima nods, letting out a quiet “follow me” as he led her to the department he works in everyday

as they arrive to the pediatrics department, y/n is in awe at the miniature chairs and table fit for toddlers, chalkboard cluttered with doodles, and small toys in the waiting area

suddenly she hears the receptionist greet ushijima from the counter 

“ahh hello yamagata, I see you came into the office earlier than usual today” ushijima replies stoically, proceeding to scan his card into the door, allowing him access to the department

y/n begins to question how he has access to the pediatrics department, believing he worked in a different department and only helped to guide her to where she needed to go

as she goes in, she is greeted by her supervisor

however, she did not expect for her supervisor to be a grumpy old man with the bushiest eyebrows she has ever seen

“hello, you must be y/n. I am your supervisor tanji washijou. I see you have met our top pediatrician, Dr. Ushijima Wakatoshi” the elder greeted the poor girl whose soul has suddenly left her body

not only did she misjudge ushijima when he was trying to help her, he’s also her coworker

“you will be assigned a nurse who will be your partner working here. your patients are now their patients, so it’s best to get to know your nurse as you will have to work together to help the patients that come in” washijou continues

the girl nods as she follows washijou down a long hall to an office area where she sees the room section off into cubicles that are labeled with a name plate for each pediatrician

y/n spots the cubicle that has her name plastered on one of its walls and walks towards it

“I see you have found your cubicle, this is where you will work when you have no appointments, whether it’s looking at documents and analyzing test results, all that will happen in here” washijou explains

y/n nods signifying that she understood the elder’s words and began looking around her cubicle, imagining the personal items she may store here to make it feel cozier

washijou brings her out of her thoughts as he walks out the door, informing the young woman that he will be bringing her assigned nurse to her cubicle so they could get to know one another. 

as y/n is unpacking her work bag, she hears the door open which causes her to see who is entering office area

she sees two men walking towards her, one immensely tall and the other shorter in comparison to the giant he stands next to

the shorter male has noticeable ash blonde hair with darker tips, although he looks tough, she notices a comforting aura surrounding him which makes her less frightened than her previous encounters

the taller male, for sure intimidated the poor new girl he’s 6′2 with dark ginger hair and although he is on the lankier side, his resting face is what causes the girl to avoid his piercing stare

as they stop in front of the girl, she realizes these are the nurses that have been assigned to her 

“hello, my name is semi eita. I am a registered nurse who has been here for a few years. I look forward to getting to know you and working along side you” the shorter male introduces himself

y/n notices his gentle, deep voice that has put her in a calmer state as she replies “good morning, I am y/n y/l/n, I am excited to work with you as well and hope we can build a closer bond as we work alongside one another” 

noticing the poor girl fiddling with her fingers as she glances at his taller counterpart, semi begins once again, “this is kawanishi taichi, he is currently fulfilling his residency requirements under my supervision, so he will also be working fairly close beside you” 

“I look forward to working with you” kawanishi speaks for the first time in his lazy tone while bowing to the girl

“thank you, I hope to provide a good learning experience for you” y/n responds, bowing back to the tall boy

soon, the door is being opened again, and y/n sees ushijima walking in with a tall red head wearing blue scrubs

“I’m just saying wakatoshi-kun, the content within the jump magazines are more amusing than the ads” the tall red head asserts

ushijima nods and then approaches the trio standing at y/n’s cubicle

“hello Dr. y/l/n, this is my nurse tendou satori. I apologize, he’s a little bit on the loud side” ushijima says quite bluntly

“wakatoshi-kun, that’s very harsh to say. I’m hurt” tendou replies

y/n giggles before responding back, “pleasure to meet you tendou, I hope to be able to get to know you better while working in the same department with you” 

the rest of the day was spent with the five getting to know each other due to the slow day in the office and none of them having any appointments for the day

during the next few months, y/n is forming close bonds with those she met on her first day (minus washijou) and adjusting to her job phenomenally 

getting to know her patients, noting all their symptoms, and diagnosing them in a fairly quick manner 

leading her to be fairly popular in the office as many parents are bringing their children to her office

ushijima, although very efficient in analyzing his patients’ records and diagnosing his patients very quickly, struggles with communicating to them in a manner that would not scare them off

especially today, when one toddler in particular was not fond of his scary appearance

the little boy had walked into the checkup room, holding his mother’s hand

his bangs cut in a slant direction (they’re basically uneven and looks like the hypotenuse of a triangle, I suck with descriptions so I’m hoping you all know I'm talking about shirabu LOL)

when tendou walked in to take the child’s temperature and blood pressure, the child was struggling to remain calm as a towering red headed male with crazy eyes kept looking at him dead on

after taking the necessary data on the child, tendou says quite animatedly “alright shirabu, Dr. Ushijima will be with you shortly, make yourself comfortable and help yourself to some books in the bucket”

shirabu’s mother hands him a little book which leads him to flipping through the pages and pointing at the cute animals within it

once an a while having to blow his uneven bangs out his eyes

all of a sudden the door opens and when shirabu looks up, his whole face pales and tears begin gathering in his eyes

 to shirabu, a giant, mean looking man stands in front of him, ready to yell at him, kill him, or anything horrible in-between

before ushijima could let a word out, shirabu begins to sob loudly on the examination table

ushijima stops walking towards shirabu, as his mom reaches out to console him

as shirabu’s mother is trying to comfort him and tell him how ushijima is here to make sure he's healthy, shirabu continues to sob louder and repeatedly scream “but he’s so scary”

ushijima freezes on the spot 

usually when children are frightened of him their parents are able to calm them down 

but shirabu is relentless and stubbornly continues to cry to his little toddler bum’s desire

ushijima excuses himself from the room, stating that he will be back shortly, shutting the door behind him

outside the examination room, ushijima was silently panicking

why was I cursed with such a big body

why do people always think my facial expression is scary, it’s just my resting face

I’m not mad at least 98% of the time

I just want the kids to feel safe and comfortable to tell me their problems so I can fix them as fast as possible :(

as he was having an internal conversation with himself, y/n walks by and notices the distress on his face

she begins to grow concern for the man, she’s grown to know as a giant teddy bear

yes she caught feels for him within the past few months

semi and kawanishi never let her live it down, making it their mission to fluster her on the subject at least once a day

she walks over to the conflicted giant, but not before noticing the three nurses around the corner staring at her with a smirk on each of their faces

ofc tendou is in that upside down position (y'all know which one I’m talking about)

rolling her eyes at her three spectators, she turned back to ushijima to deal with his internal crisis

“Ushijima, did you need help with something?” y/n asked as she approached him

“no, I do not understand why my latest patient is so afraid of me. I did not even get to speak a word before he started screaming. usually I at least get one word in” ushijima replies as the cries of shirabu could still be heard through the door

y/n winces at the boy’s shrill cries but is also impressed that it is able to resonate past the wooden door

“did you want me to try to talk to the patient first? hopefully, get him to ease into you” y/n offered

ushijima nodded curtly, handing y/n the patient’s information which she glances over fairly quick

y/n takes a deep breath and opens the door, which causes the cries to come at a higher volume

shirabu opens his eyes after hearing the door open, thinking the scary tall man came back to kill him only to be greeted by a smaller woman with gentle eyes

the child halts his cries, but the tears keep falling silently

y/n grabs some tissues from the counter and wipes the poor boy’s face which is red from all his sobs

she crouches down to the boy’s height and smiles gently at him

“hey little guy, I’m Dr. y/l/n. I heard you’re being a brave little boy visiting the doctor today” y/n speaks in a nurturing voice

shirabu nods shyly, still tucked away in his mother’s arms

“I promise you Dr. Ushijima is nothing you should be scared of, he’s the best doctor in the building who will help you feel better” y/n explains gently to the boy who shakes his head in his mother’s shoulder

“he’s giant and scary” shirabu speaks for the first time while fiddling with his smol bby fingers

“I'll let you in on a secret little guy” y/n whispers towards shirabu

being the curious child he is, shirabu lets go of his mother and scoots his little bum towards the edge of the examination table to listen in on the secret 

“Dr. Ushijima looks scary, but he’s really gentle and soft. just think of him as a soft teddy bear because really that's all he is” y/n whispers making the little boy giggle thinking of the tall mean doctor dressed as a soft bear

“with that said, will you be okay to see Dr. Ushijima now?” y/n asks

shirabu nods with the picture of his doctor dressed as a bear freshly engraved into his mind

y/n nods and bows to shirabu’s mother before stepping out of the examination room to fetch the giant pediatrician

“he’s ready to see you now, he might actually be very excited” y/n informs ushijima

ushijima nods, takes a deep breath, and walks into the room shirabu is in

shirabu look up to the tall doctor, eyes still slightly glassy from his previous crying session

although he is still shaking in his child boots (shoes? sneakers? whatever shoes your heart desires) 

he refrains from screaming out, imagining the big man as a teddy bear like he has been for the past couple minutes

“hello, I am Dr. Ushijima and I am here to help you fix your problems” the giant doctor voices out, still nervous on the inside

after half and hour of speaking to shirabu, ushijima concludes that the poor boy just jammed his fingers and just needs to tape them

“may I ask what you were doing that caused you to jam your fingers?” ushijima asks gently

the boy shakily replies “I was setting the volleyball to my friend but my timing was off” 

ushijima eyes light up at the mention of volleyball as he ask incredulously, “you play volleyball?” 

the child nods timidly as ushijima gets a glint in his eyes that is unfamiliar to the poor boy

“I played in high school, I was a wing spiker” ushijima replies causing the child’s eyes to also light up 

“really, that’s so cool. I’ve been watching old clips from high school nationals and the wing spiker on shiratorizawa is amazing. he has so much power, I wish to set for him someday” shirabu rambles before he looks at ushijima and recognizes him from the videos he’s been watching

“WOAH YOU WERE THE ACE OF SHIRATORIZAWA FROM THE VIDEOS I WATCHED?!?” shirabu exclaims with stars shining in his eyes

ushijima chuckles and hums a positive answer causing the little boy to spitfire questions to the man such as:

how many points did you score each game?

did you ever break the floor with your serve?

has anyone ever broken a bone from your deadly spike?

shirabu’s mom began to scold shirabu for bombarding ushijima with too many questions making the poor toddler bow his head in shame and slap his chubby cheeks with his own hands as a self-punishment

ushijima seeing the poor inflict pain on himself began to panic and continuously ask the boy to stop hurting himself

“I would love to answer your questions sometime but I have a patient coming in 20 minutes but feel free to contact me through my email or phone number on the clinic website if you want to continue talking about volleyball. I see you have a great interest for it” ushijima says making shirabu look up adorned with red cheeks and starry eyes

shirabu nods eagerly asking his mom to help him use the computer when he gets home so he can talk to ushijima

“I also wouldn't mind coaching you on my off days.  I haven’t played volleyball in a long time so please toss for me sometime” ushijima says crouching down to the shirabu’s height and giving him a small smile

said boy squeals in excitement and claps his little hands together

“THANK YOU SO MUCH DR. USHIJIMA” shirabu exclaims, going in and giving ushijima a hug

shirabu’s mom could definitely be heard in the background lecturing shirabu on his manners and personal space

but ushijima doesn’t mind

in fact, he is touched that a patient feels so comfortable with him and enjoys his presence

releasing himself from shirabu’s hug he then speaks, “well then I’ll be off, I hope to hear from you soon” 

shirabu hops off the examination table and bows to the tall man and exclaims, “yes, thank you for everything, doctor”

shirabu grabs his mother’s hand and leaves the room as ushijima holds the door open for them

as ushijima walks into the office room, he sees y/n typing reports on the computer

he approaches her and taps her shoulder causing the poor girl to jump in her seat

“I apologize for startling you, I just wanted to thank you for helping me calm down shirabu earlier” ushijima shows his gratitude 

“it’s no big deal, I'm glad to be of use to the best pediatrician in the whole unit” y/n replies with a smile on her face

ushijima then notices his heart beat quickening and thumping louder than normal

he believes that anyone could hear its rapid beat without requiring a stethoscope 

[soft-thrills]

I got a prompt! Mulder and Scully are ar the beggining of their sexual relationship, learning each others kinks and preferences. Mulder starts to notice Scully gets wetter when he's rougher with her, and decides to try some Dom moves. Extra points for a little spanking and fucking her from behind. Love your work!

Here you go, anon! Thanks for the prompt, hope you enjoy it.

Surprises

Mulder/Scully; smut; an unofficial part of my “Scully liking it rough is canon” crusade

*

They are new to this -- to one another. No, that’s not quite right. The truth is they are extraordinarily familiar with one another. They know each other better than most people really ever know anyone. But they have only recently come to know one another in the, er, biblical sense.

Fucking. They’re new to fucking. Well, new to fucking each other. Mulder’s had some experience before and, though he hasn’t asked for a resume, it’s clear Scully is also more than proficient. 

While they’ve spent the last six years in a long-running conversation, they haven’t talked much about what they’re doing. About the fucking. But that’s ok, because Mulder is a man who notices things unsaid -- that is his job, after all. He mentally catalogues every tidbit he gleans from their early encounters. Some are expected, or at least, have long been imagined: the way she clenches her thighs against his ears when he’s between her legs working her clit like a sunflower seed; the way she says his name in bed, a lot, a breathy whisper so close to the way she’s said it before but just a tiny bit different; the way she has a doctor’s unashamed comfort with nudity.

But, you can know someone very well and still be surprised by them. And there were surprises. The way her breath seemed to catch in her throat when he pushed her from sitting upright to flat on her back on the bed. The moan, the kind that seemed to be urging him on without words, when he pulled the hair at the back of her neck. The quickening rise and fall of her chest when he had playfully pinned her to the bed during a joking wrestling match. 

Scully might have told him that the human mind naturally seeks meaningful patterns and configurations in things that don't inherently have any. 

But Mulder knew a pattern when he saw one.

Scully -- Special Agent Dana Scully, M.D., she of the ice-cold, steely-eyed stare, the fuck-you heels, the woman who could take down men twice her size and not muss up her makeup -- liked it rough.

He was pretty sure. Ninety-nine percent. The one percent of lingering doubt was rooted in his concern that he’d simply watched too much porn in his life, which, of course, he most certainly had. But that didn’t mean he was wrong.

Scully always pressed him to really test his hypotheses, to find evidence. The scientific method had never been so fun.

It was a spring Friday. They’d had a day filled with paperwork and bullshit from Skinner, and, to blow off steam, they’d gone out for a couple drinks at happy hour at a Mexican place in Georgetown, not far from Scully’s apartment. They had margaritas -- good ones, not the sickly sweet kind you get at loud chain restaurants. He stared, unabashedly, whenever her tongue swiped over the salt on the rim of her glass.

“Should we get dinner?” he’d asked after margarita number two.

“Mm, let’s stop home first, regroup,” she said, her tongue emerging again around the edge of the glass, her eyes meeting his as she licked at the salt. It reminded him of how she’d look up at him when she was running her tongue over something else.

Yes. They had better go home and regroup.

The bill was paid in record time. It was still light out, the trees were in bloom, the sidewalks were crowded with college kids and tourists. It was lovely but also the longest three-block walk of his life. 

Emboldened by the tequila, eager to shake off the stressful day, seduced by Scully, he was prepared to test his theory.

As soon as Scully had closed the apartment door behind her, Mulder was there, backing her up against it, leaning down to kiss her. He pressed his body against her, one hand on her cheek, the other in her hair. A gentle pull, and there was the moan again.

“Is this what you meant by regroup, Scully?” he asked.

He kissed along her jawline while he waited for a reply.

“Because I think this is what you had in mind,” he teased. Then, bolder: “I think that what you really wanted was to get fucked.”

Her eyes were wide. He hadn’t been shy in bed so far, but he hadn’t been quite this direct, either. It felt like an eternity that he waited for her to respond, and there was some part of him that was afraid she might hit him.

She nodded. He rewarded her with another kiss, hands on her breasts through her shirt. God, how he wanted her naked already.

“Tell me,” he said.

“Yes,” she said, but it would not be enough again.

“Tell me,” he said again, emphasizing the first word.

“I want you to fuck me,” she said. Then, having said it, she seemed to feel bolder, too. “I’ve wanted it from the moment we left the office. Maybe before.” A grin.

“Good,” he said. “Because that’s what I want, too.”

He took her hand insistently, and while it was her home, she let him lead the way to her bedroom. 

Upon getting to her bed, Mulder wished he’d thought of more of a plan. He was starting to feel more certain that Scully did indeed want him to take charge, and suddenly the thought was paradoxically intimidating to him. He forced himself not to overthink it. 

He undressed her, which centered him a bit. It was hard to feel anything but desire as he unbuttoned her shirt, slid down her skirt. She was not wearing hose -- though he was nearly certain she had been wearing them at the office. Must’ve slipped them off and into her pocketbook at the bar. Full of surprises. 

She was in her bra and underwear, a light green matching set he’d never seen before. Mulder was still dressed when he kissed her again, pressing his body -- and, most particularly, his erection -- against her soft skin. He gripped her perfect little ass, gently at first, testing, then, a hard squeeze. She moaned, arching her pelvis against him.

He pulled away to remove his own clothes, stripping naked, watching as her eyes were drawn to his cock. 

He backed her up against the side of her bed, and ran a finger along the strap of her bra. “I like this. Did you wear it for me, Scully?”

“Yes,” she hissed, and leaned up for a kiss. Instead, he flattened the hand that was stroking her bra strap and pushed her down onto the bed.

Mulder often forgot how much bigger than Scully he was -- she’s quite a presence, after all -- but was reminded when he easily moved her lithe body to where he wanted it on the bed. Maybe Scully wasn’t the only one who got off on the idea of him being a little rough.

Before he knew it, he was on top of her, all over her, nudging her legs open with his knee, lifting her breasts out of the dainty cups of her bra. He bit one nipple, pinched another, harder than he’s done before, and she cried out. A good cry.

Time to seek out more conclusive evidence. Mulder reached a hand inside of her underwear. 

“You’re so wet, Scully.”

He knew she had probably noticed this herself, but still, he liked saying it. It seemed she liked hearing it, too, as she arched up against his fingers, wordlessly asking him to keep touching her. He worked his thumb in fast little circles around her clit. 

“God, Mulder, I want you inside me,” she said, squirming underneath him. 

“I think I can give you what you want,” he replied, summoning up the confidence he’d felt falter earlier. 

Instead of sliding off her panties, he moved them to the side. Just felt sexier, dirtier. Then, he slid into her -- one hard, fast, stroke. She threw her head back and cried out. In that moment, he felt indestructible. 

“Careful what you ask for, Scully,” he practically growled into her ear. “Because I’m going to give it to you -- nice and hard.”

She whimpered. He made Scully whimper. It goaded him on -- he grabbed her hair and gave it another pull. He could feel her tighten around him. He’d never felt her this wet.

“You like this?” he asked.

She nodded, hiding her face against his shoulder as he thrust in and out of her, over and over. 

“Do you like it when I’m rough with you, Scully?”

She moaned. He wanted more. He took her hands from off his biceps and pinned her dainty wrists down to the bed. He stilled his hips.

“God, Mulder, don’t stop.”

“Answer me. Do you like it when I’m rough?”

“What do you think?” she shot back, sassy even pinned beneath him.

“I think,” he punctuated with one sharp thrust. “That I want to hear you say it. After all, I wouldn’t want to hurt you if you don’t like it.”

He waited a bit. Another singular thrust. 

“I like it,” she whispered. “I want it -- I want you to be rough.”

“Good girl.”

He pulled out and she looked stricken.

“Turn over for me, Scully. Get on your hands and knees.”

“Yes,” she breathed as she scrambled to get there. When she was ready, she turned to look back at him.

He pressed his cock up against her clit, teasing. She arched back and, before realizing what he was doing, he gave her a little slap on the ass.

She froze. So did he. He’d never done that to her before -- he’d never done a lot of this to her before, but he was more worried about how the slap would be received. 

“Mulder.”

Oh crap oh crap oh crap.

“Mulder, do that again.”

He exhaled. Full of surprises. 

Relieved, he brought his palm down against her ass again, just a touch harder. Then again. 

“Please,” she said, turning to look at him again. “I need you inside me.”

He couldn’t deny her anything in that moment. And, ok, he couldn’t deny himself one more minute, either. He thrust inside her and set a steady rhythm. He hadn’t fucked her like this before. But watching his cock slide in and out of her wet pussy, gripping -- and, occasionally slapping -- her ass, catching her eyes as she stared back at him, her elegant back arched, her dirty little secret tattoo on full display… it was a lot. 

He’d better make it good for her, quick, because he didn’t have much left in him.

Another slap and then his right hand moved to her clit.

“Oh, God, Mulder, yes,” she urged him on. “Harder, I can take it.”

He moans. Hearing Scully -- his Scully -- ask him to fuck her harder? The stuff of dreams. He’s not entirely sure what she wants harder, so he errs on the side of caution, or abandon, however you look at it, and he gives her all of it -- a firm slap, speeds up his fingers, snaps his hips harder. It works. 

She was close, he could feel it.

“Yeah, Scully, that’s right. Take it. Come for me,” he urged her on.

A moment later she did, crying out, tightening around his cock, trembling. He didn’t ease up -- chasing his own relief now, free to take it from her willing, perfect body. Her upper body slumped down but he gripped her hips and surged into her, lasting only a few sublime thrusts before he followed her over the edge.

When he caught his breath, he pulled away and she sank down onto the bed. He flopped down on his stomach beside her, exhausted, but desperate just to look at this beautiful, sexy, surprising woman he was somehow lucky enough to share a bed with.

“Wow,” she said, simply. 

He tucked her hair behind her ear and kissed her cheek. 

“Wow is right,” he said. “I’m never going to be able to hear the phrase ‘let’s regroup’ again without getting hard.”

She laughed. They basked in the afterglow; he basked a little extra in the afterglow of knowing that his hypothesis had been correct, that he had read the enigmatic Doctor Scully like a book. He was, all in all, feeling pretty pleased with himself.

And then.

“So I guess I left you enough clues about wanting you to be a little less gentle?”

A lightbulb. Those clues he’d happened upon had not been so happened upon after all.

He turned to see her grinning at him. 

“I thought I’d pulled off my best bit of profiling yet, Scully. Why not just tell me?”

“Oh, it’s more fun this way. I’m only sorry I was so easy to read.”

He slid across the soft sheets of her bed to get a little closer to her.

“You are full of surprises, Scully, and I’m going to discover every one of them.”

[songsoomin]

Begin Again Part 1 (A, F)

Word count: Around 10k

Idol! Jongho x Fem Reader, Best friend! Hongjoong. Reader has serious body confidence issues due to a past relationship but Jongho will help her through it. First two chapters will be angst with some fluff but a little smut will appear in chapter 3.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, both emotional and psychological, body shaming, anxiety issues. 

Authour’s note: Reader is overweight but not as massive as she thinks she is. She has been conditioned through psychological abuse to believe she is very fat and unattractive. This is not intended to be the kind of story where reader becomes thin and is then happy and gets male attention (although, due to reader’s warped sense of self she does equate being thin with being happy). Even after losing some weight (for her own health and happiness) she is still somewhat overweight and curvy but the more important part is that she gets her confidence back and that is what makes her happier and more attractive. 

Part 2 Part 3

Posted 16th October 2020

This was a bad idea, you were sure of it. Meeting new people never worked out well for you and you could already feel the anxiety creeping up on you. But Hongjoong was with you, he had told you he'd look after you and you trusted him - not something that came easily to you, these days. Still, the little voice in your head kept telling you you were stupid to think anyone would like you.

As you both approached the restaurant you froze, pulling him to a stop with you.

"Hongjoong...I'm not sure I can do this." You looked at him, clearly nervous.

"Y/N. I know it's a lot of people to meet at once but they're the best bunch of guys you could ever meet - and I'll be here with you the whole time."

"Okay." You were still skeptical that they would like you - great guys or not. The problem wasn't them...it was you.

In school Hongjoong had been one of your closest friends but you fell out of touch with him when your lives started taking different paths. Looking back at the last few years you had actually lost touch with almost every friend you had - a byproduct of the toxic relationship you had been in - and now your self-esteem was so low that it felt too scary for you to make any new ones.

You had run into Hongjoong while shopping some months ago and he had asked you to have a coffee with him. He could see you were very different to how he remembered you and asked how you had been. It was a particularly difficult time for you and you couldn't keep it all in anymore. You broke down in front of him, frantically apologising for burdening him with all this. You were sure he was going to think you were crazy and you'd never hear from him again...but he stuck around. He kept texting, asking you to meet just to make sure you were okay and, gradually, he pursuaded you that you deserved better than how you were being treated. That your boyfriend was abusing you...even if he wasn't physically hurting you. It was psychological and emtional. You had lived walking on eggshells all the time - what was fine one day would cause him to get angry and lash out at you the next - or to spend days ignoring you completely. You never knew what to do or say to please him. Hongjoong helped you gain the strength to leave him and promised to help you start afresh.

So here he was, trying to get you back out into the world and make some friends because, if left to your own devices, the depression would make you sit inside your flat all alone, convincing you not to try in case you get hurt again.

The restaurant wasn't too crowded, which was good because you weren't comfortable around lots of people. Your red-haired best friend led you to a big table occupied by seven of the most attractive men you had ever seen and you froze up again.

You don't belong here.

The mean voice in your head taunted you.

Look at these guys...they're perfect and you're just...well, a fat mess.

You tried to ignore the voice as Hongjoong introduced you to all of them,

"Guys, this is my friend Y/N that I told you about. Y/N this is...." He reeled off all their names but you knew you wouldn't remember them all. You just tried to match names to the various hair colours, hoping it would be easier that way. They all greeted you warmly, Hongjoong pulled a chair out for you next to the big, blue haired one - Yunho - and sat on your other side. He was right, they were all very friendly and a few of them very loud.

"Y/N, how old are you? Can I talk comfortably?" You think the one who asked this was called Wooyoung, he was the loudest by far. Cute, with short black hair, parted in the middle but it had a dark bluish tinge in the light. His laugh was so high-pitched you thought your ear drums would burst before the end of the meal.

"What do you do, Y/N? Do you work or go to college?" Seonghwa was next, he was so attractive you almost forgot how to form coherent sentences. Big, dark eyes, a beautiful smile and darkish-blonde hair that almost covered his eyes. He seemed the most mature of the lot and looked a bit intense sometimes - he was a little intimidating, really.

"What kind of music do you listen to? What kind of fashion do you like? Your trainers are really cool." The big one with brown hair threw questions at you next. He was dressed really well so you guessed he must like clothes a lot. He was big, like Yunho but he didn't look so friendly, at first. You thought he might be a bit cold when he was just sitting there but when he smiled it lit up his face. He was easily the cutest, despite his size.

"I'm not into clothes much...I just wear whatever, really."

Yeah, whatever you can find to fit you - which isn't much. You look awful in everything.

I mean, he has eyes...he can see how fat you are. Does he really think you can wear the new fashions in the shops? They're all made for skinny girls, after all.

You tried your best to block out the voice because you knew he was just being friendly but the voice was always there reminding you how awful you were. Making you feel even worse.

Even before you had become withdrawn you had never been outgoing - always shy and only talking to people once they'd spoken to you first - but now outgoing people were so opposite to you they actually made you feel a little uncomfortable and you couldn't help shying away from them.

Hongjoong recognised it - probably because you were clinging on to his sleeve - and asked them to tone it down.

"Guys...stop bombarding Y/N with so many questions. You really are a bit too much sometimes." He chided, although affectionately.

They got the message and switched to general conversation after a chorus of sorries. You calmed a bit once you weren't the centre of attention, just enjoying their chatter and the way they were with each other. They had a closeness you'd never experienced yourself with friends. You had been good friends with Hongjoong but, as far as girlfriends went, you'd always felt left on the outside.

You'd had some bad experiences and knew that girls could be very mean. In the past some had pretended to like you but talked shit about you behind your back. Sometimes you'd feel you were left out on purpose - once even listening to girlfriends plan a night out, knowing you were there but not inviting you. These kind of things happened more than once, with different groups, so in the end you decided it was you. You must be unlikeable in some way. It was after that you became friends with Hongjoong and his friends in the last two years of school, prefering the honesty of boys. They weren't usually two-faced and bitchy like the girls. In your experience, if a boy didn't like you he would either tell you or show it in some other way.

That was why you had agreed to come out with Hongjoong today, you felt more comfortable with boys and you knew he was a good judge of character. If this had been a table of girls you'd have been way too scared to come...and god knows what that voice would be saying to you now. Most of the girls he knew were idols like him - and it was fair to say you were on the larger side - so the inferiority complex you'd develop sitting with girls that thin and pretty didn't bear thinking about.

Despite your discomfort you were truly enjoying being with the group and litening to their stories and friendly jibes. It's hard being around a group of friends who have a long history because they will talk about their shared experiences but they were all kind enough to explain the stories to you and include you as much as they could. You appreciated their kindness.

They're probabbly getting sick of you by now...having to explain everything. You're just an incovenience to everyone. I bet they wish you weren't here.

The waiter came over to take the order and you asked for a diet Pepsi.

"Diet?" Yeah, right. They're probably laughing at you for ordering a diet when you look like you don't even know the meaning of the word. One look at you and they can see you don't do 'diet' anything.

The voice was often stronger in your mind when you were already anxious or in an uncomfortable situation. Right now it was really being mean. You also ordered something relatively light and healthy to eat and that spurred the voice on more.

Really? You know they can see you, right? They won't think you usually eat this way. You're not that fat because you've been eating salads.

You tried your best to drown it out and just listen to the guys' chatter again. You knew you'd probably still be hungry after so you'd eat back at home.

Yeah...too much. Like always.

You knew in your heart that they wouldn't think you ate that healthily normally but you didn't like eating in front of others. Other peope judged you for how you looked, what you ate. You'd rather they inwardly laughed at you for trying to pretend you were healthy than look at a fat girl eating junk food and be more disgusted.

The thought brought back old memories of the daily nagging your ex subjected you to...

"Y/N? Do you really think you should be eating that? You eat far too much."

"When are you going to start losing some weight?"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"A salad would probably be better for you than that."

"I just think you should get rid of that dress. It makes you look awful."

"I'm not trying to upset you but I just want you to be as attractive and beautiful as you used to be. Everyone knows fat isn't sexy."

He never outright called you names or said things anyone would consider insulting so it was difficult to see that what he was doing was emotional abuse. What he did was gradually strip you of any shred of self-confidence. Everyday the things he said were carefully designed to remind you that you weren't as thin as you were when you met him and therefore you weren't good enough. There were certain clothes he disliked because they didn't flatter your size as well as others and if you wore any of those he would withold hugs and affection. You could see him purposefully not looking in your direction anytime you were changing because seeing you naked was so repulsive to him. But he didn't leave you to find someone better. He carried on gradually demeaning you, trying to force you into becoming what he wanted you to be. He thought if he made you feel bad enough, you would eat better and go to the gym but it didn't work that way. Your self-worth became so wrapped up in what you looked like that you began hating yourself. You couldn't go to the gym because people would laugh at you. You stopped going on nights out with friends because you hated how you looked in everything you owned and didn't want people looking at you. Laughing because the fat girl thought she could make herself look good by putting on some make up and a nice dress. It was logical to think that if you didn't like your weight you could just eat better but the depression kept you down and just made you eat more. A vicious circle. The more you ate the more you hated yourself until you just got used to it. You might have got rid of him but the voice remained, constantly demeaning and mocking you.

You were close to tears now but didn't want to embarrass yourself further so you made an excuse to leave the table.

"Joong, I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Okay." You'd learned in the previous months that Hongjoong could always see through you but everyone was around so he didn't comment on it. He knew you wouldn't want anyone else to see you were upset. You appreciated his sensitivity but how he also wouldn't let you bottle things up until they were really hurting you too much. You knew it was his mature and caring nature that made him perfect as the group's leader.

You calmed yourself down and went back out before anyone would wonder why you'd been gone too long.

You think anyone but Hongjoong would even notice you were gone?

When you got back to the table they were all still engrossed in conversation but Hongjoong lightly squeezed your hand under the table and Yunho broke off to talk to you. A few seats away another boy smiled at you shyly, noticing your return. You hadn't spoken to him directly and he seemed one of the quietest of the group. He had light brown hair and a cute smile. You wouldn't have thought he was the youngest because he was a bit stockier than the rest and seemed more mature than Wooyoung and Mingi but he called each of them 'Hyung' so you guessed he must be. In any event, he had seemed to notice when you returned so maybe the voice wasn't always right. You felt hopeful but you also knew how quickly hopes could be crushed. You guessed you'd just have to see how this went.

As the meal went on you really were enjoying yourself but couldn't get rid of the fear of judgement completely, despite how nice they seemed. You felt so self-conscious as you ate in front of them that you took tiny bites and didn't even finish it all. You noticed the same boy - who you'd now learned was called Jongho - looking over at you every now and then and it made you feel a bit anxious.

He's probably judging you. He's clearly very fit and active, whereas, you get no exercise and clearly eat too much...what must he think?

You tried your best to shove it to the back of your mind and enjoy the afternoon.

You had had fun but were glad once you got home, where you could relax and know no one was watching or judging you. You went to the freezer and took out a full tub of ice cream, ready to eat the whole thing by yourself. Food used to comfort you - something you'd learned a long time ago and had now become a habit - but these days you didn't get the same feeling. Eating had become robotic, almost. You picked up food even when you weren't really hungry and, although you still enjoyed the taste and the action of eating, you couldn't say you paid much attention anymore and the whole tub would be gone before you knew it. You thought it might be like drugs, where you needed more all the time to get the same fix. Or maybe it was just that you'd had to disassociate from your feelings that you didn't get the same pleasure you once got because inside you were actually ashamed of yourself and, as long as you weren't feeling anything, you wouldn't feel that either.

You did want to change because, if nothing else, you knew overeating wasn't healthy. It wasn't that you thought people needed to be thin to be beautiful because you knew beauty was subjective and came in all forms but you knew you were much happier in yourself when you were slimmer. How much of that was due to the mistreatment from your ex-boyfriend, it was impossible to know. Maybe if he had embraced you as you were you could be happy at whatever size without hating yourself but it was done now.

You weren't completely sure why you felt ashamed of yourself because you never judged other people for not being thin. You could only imagine that it was another side-effect of the emotional abuse. He was always gaslighting...making it seem like it was your fault.

“I'm only trying to help...don't you want to look good?”

"You know how unhappy it makes me. Don't you care about saving our relationship? If you did you'd be down at the gym doing something about it."

If you ever tried to point out how his behaviour made you feel or how he could change how he treated you so you were happier together he just turned it back on you.

"I'm not the one who needs to change. The only problem in our relationship is your size so it's you that needs to fix it."

Deep down you knew that wasn't true, though. His behaviour wasn't right and shaming someone was not an incentive for self-improvement. On the contrary, it only made you eat more but now you did it in secret where you couldn't be seen and, therefore, couldn't be judged. At least until they could see the results of your overeating.

                                                     ********

A few days later you and Hongjoong were watching a few more episodes of the Netflix drama you'd started together in your apartment. You'd just finished the second and were having a break to get more drinks before beginning the third when he seemed to remember something.

"Oh, Y/N! I forgot to tell you...the guys all said they like you. Said it was nice to meet someone new, for a change."

You leaned back against the kitchen side, abandoning the hunt for drinks for a moment, "What do you mean?"

"Well...we get so few chances to meet anyone who isn't part of our industry or who isn't a fan." Hongjoong continued on, lifting himself up onto the opposite counter-top. "The people in our industry are like us where they don't get to do much real-life stuff so mostly we end up talking about idol life and work. We adore our fans and love getting to meet them but it is still a big part of being an idol so it's nice when we meet someone not linked to that at all."

"Really?" You asked. You liked hearing about Hongjoong's life but never pressed him for too much information. He did talk about it but was usually more concerned with how you were doing. You'd never pressed him too much about being an idol because you wanted him to be able to be himself with you and talk about whatever he wanted.

"Yeah, it's nice for us to have friends who we can talk to about other things and get some time to switch off from work. That's probably why they bombarded you with questions the other day." He laughed thinking about it and you had to join in. Hongjoong had such a bright smile that it made you happy just seeing it. You knew he used a lot of his free time trying to help you mend yourself and you had worried he'd get sick of your drama but it felt like a relief to know he liked the distraction.

He'll get sick of you one day. He may be helping you now but he'll soon realise you're not worth it.

"I really liked meeting them, too. It was a bit overwhelming at first but they seemed just as nice as you said they were. Thanks, Joong, I had fun for once." You smiled at your red-haired best friend, still sitting up on the counter.

"They liked you, too...they even suggested I bring you over to the dorm sometime."

"They liked me? I thought they'd have seen how boring I am. I'm too quiet and shy."

Hongjoong sighed, "Y/N...you are a wonderful person and being shy doesn't make you boring. You're different to the other kinds of people we know and that is refreshing."

You looked down at your hands awkwardly, not used to hearing anything good about yourself from anyone but your parents and they had to say nice things about you - they were biased.

"It's understandable that you're reserved around new people given what you've been through. That arsehole made you feel like you're not worth anything and you've nothing to offer anyone but it's just not true. I've got to know you again and once you let me in I could see how great you are. You're funny and caring and they'll see it soon, as well, if you let them."

"Stop it Joong, you know how uncomfortable compliments make me." You said, blushing.

Hongjoong hopped down from the counter and slung an arm around your shoulder, "That's because you don't believe any of it yet and I'm not going to stop until you do."

"Thanks, Joong...I don't know where I'd be without you."

                                                      ********

You stood outside the door to the boys' dorm, anxiety flaring. Slowly you took some deep breaths in an attempt to calm yourself. Hongjoong had told you they had liked you and wanted to see you again but you still doubted it.

Over time you had come to believe that people never really liked you - you weren't worth it. You were too quiet and boring, not attractive enough so what did you really have to offer? Thinking this way meant that you had trouble believing Hongjoong even though you knew he was a good person and wouldn't lie to you. He could've been mistaken, though.

They probably just told him they liked you because you're his friend and they didn't want to hurt his feelings.  

But he said they had suggested I come over...so that can't be true. You told the nasty voice in your head and hoped you were right. Finally feeling a little more calm you knocked timidly on the door.

Jeez...even your knock is boring.

You heard a small comotion on the other side of the door before you heard the click of the door opening.

"Guys, stop crowding! She doesn't want you all in her face straight away."

As Hongjoong opened the door with a sigh you saw three of his members standing behind him looking excited and you had to laugh a little. Thankfully you remembered their names - Yunho was easy because he had blue hair and you remembered San and Wooyoung as they had been the ones to talk to you most at the restaurant.

"Hi." You felt a little overwhelmed again but not as much as last time. True, it was a new environment and those added to your anxiety but the three guys seemed genuinely pleased to see you again so you felt much more comfortable already.

"Hi, Y/N!" Hongjoong greeted you with a hug, then, turning to the other three commanded,

"Guys...give Y/N some room to breathe before you attack her."

San looked slightly forlorn, like a small child who's dad just told him he couldn't go out to play yet and you smiled because he just looked so cute.

Wooyoung, however, ignored Hongjoong completely.

"Y/N, what kind of pizza topping do you like? We're ordering a bunch for all of us."

"Uh, I like Hawaiian best."

"Yes! I knew someone else but me must like pineapple on pizza."

The tall brown haired one, Mingi you thought, yelled from his spot on the sofa with a tone that said 'I told you so' to the others.

"Fine," Wooyoung replied, "You and Y/N can share that one and the rest of us will get the usual order."

Mmmm, pizza. That'll help you to not be a massive fat cow. The voice chimed in sarcastically and you sighed.

"Are you okay?" Yunho asked, bringing you out of your own thoughts.

"Oh...yeah, I'm fine."

"Let's get you a drink. We got Pepsi, Fanta, juice...."

You followed Yunho to the kitchen while he carried on talking to you and asking how you had been. He was really easy to talk to and, although he seemed like he could be quite hyper and chaotic - especially with Mingi, as you witnessed at the restaurant - he also seemed to have a more perceptive side, like he could read how people were feeling. You appreciated how he was chatting with you more calmly, without making you feel overwhelmed by attention.

You made your way into the living area of their dorm and looked around. Not all the boys had been there to greet you when you came in, which was good as it meant you didn't have the focus of eight people on you all at once.

Yeosang, the quietest of the group, was sitting on the couch by Mingi and he smiled and said "Hi." when you came over and took a seat on the other couch. Mingi, happy to have found someone who let him order pineapple pizza started chatting to you, asking if you wanted to watch a movie or play games first. They seemed to have the evening planned out but it was nice he was asking what you wanted to do - it made you feel included.

Seonghwa was getting snacks together in the kitchen and when he brought them out to the living room the boys all descended on him like they were starving. He tutted, grumbling about how uncivilised they were but you could see the affection he held for them. Hongjoong had told you Seonghwa was the oldest so you presumed he took on more of a caring role like Joong did.

Jongho was the last to enter, coming from down the hall where their bedrooms must be. He paused slightly when he saw you there and gave you a small smile. You weren't really sure what that meant. He didn't seem as pleased to see you as the others but didn't seem unhappy either...more awkward, maybe. Hongjoong had been trying to help you stop and think through the negative thoughts you had and to actively think kinder thoughts about yourself so you tried not to think it was anything personal, like you normally would. Maybe Jongho was just awkward around new people like you were.

As you were contemplating that you reached for your drink on the coffee table, completely missing the target but managing to knock the glass over, spilling all the liquid inside over the table and the floor.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I'll get something to wipe it up!"

You rushed frantically to the kitchen looking for paper towels or a cloth to clean the spill but Seonghwa was already on the case and getting everything he needed for the job.

"It's okay, Y/N, I'll get it."

"I should clean it, it was my fault." You mentally kicked yourself for not being careful enough.

"You're our guest, it's fine. Don't worry." Seonghwa said with a kind smile.

A memory of your ex looking at you with disgust played through your mind...

"You're so useless. You can't do anything right.”

"I'm sorry, it was just an accident."

"It's only ever me who cares about keeping this place clean - you just go around messing things up. You'd probably be just as happy living in a pigsty. At least that would suit you more."

 You must've looked like you were on the verge of an anxiety attack as Hongjoong came over and placed his arm around your shoulders.

"It's okay, Y/N. Breathe."

"I'm sorry, Joong. I should've been more careful. I'm just so clumsy."

"Y/N..." He faced you with a hand on each of your shoulders and looked you straight in the eye, "No one is upset about this. It happens, don't worry."

Seonghwa was already done cleaning up the spill and wiping the area down with a wet cloth so it didn't get sticky. He smiled as he passed you on his way back to the kitchen. You peeked past Hongjoong to the others and no one looked angry or annoyed at your clumsiness...just a little confused at the exchange between Hongjoong and yourself.

They're probably wondering what kind of crazy person they've let into their dorm by now.

"I'm just gonna go to the bathroom." You moved quickly to avoid the curious gaze of the others while Hongjoong called out,

"It's the last door on the left."

Once locked in the bathroom you sat on the lid of the toilet, head in your hands and trying not to let all the panic take over you. You thought it might help to splash cold water on your face except you had make up on.

It doesn't help, though. You might look slightly better with make up on but you'll still look ugly.

At least that's what the voice tells you each time you try to make yourself look more presentable. You might not think you're that attractive in make up but you sure as hell know you look like crap without it.

"Aren't you going to wear make up today?"

"We're only going to see your mother...I'm sure she doesn't care if I don't have any make up on."

"It doesn't seem like you care about how you look either."

That was just one of the many snide comment your ex would make if you didn't feel like wearing make up every now and then. Comments that let you know that he would only find you acceptable with make up and nice clothes.

Sometimes it was something like, "Well, if you don't want to make an effort for me..." that made you feel like you didn't love him enough, that you didn't care if he was happy with you. You'd always end up either going back to put on make up to make him happy or spending the day with him virtually ignoring you just so you knew just how displeased he was with how you looked.

You took a few deep breaths and sighed, forcing yourself up and out the bathroom because it wouldn't do any good to hide in here. That would make them all think you really were a crazy mess.

You paused as you walked down the hall upon hearing one of the guys ask, "Is Y/n okay? Her reaction to spilling her drink was a bit...odd."

"Uh...it's not really my place to say but...it's because of her ex. He wasn't good to her. In fact, he was quite cruel a lot of the time."

There was a pause as you listened but then noises of disgust came from some the boys.

"Oh my god!"

"What a bastard!"

"But she's so sweet...how could he do that?"

"I know." Hongjoong said, "She's come a long way but don't bring it up, please. I don't want her more upset."

You smiled, Hongjoong was the one who was so sweet. He really was your rock and the only one you'd ever really opened up to about it all. Your parents knew your ex wasn't always good to you but you hadn't wanted to upset them by telling them how badly he treated you. Whenever you had been around them or his parents he had been the master of pretending your relationship was great and showing how much he 'loved' you.

As you walked back into sight, the guys went back to chatting or looking at their phones. Mingi and Jongho were arguing over what movie to watch. Jongho wanted horror but Mingi was outright refusing.

Only Joong and Seonghwa took notice of your return as you walked over to them in the kitchen.  

"Sorry for making you clean up my mess, Seonghwa."

Seonghwa looked at you with a smile - he really was painfully attractive.

"Y/N...Joong and I live with six massive children. You think these boys aren't constantly making a mess for me to clean up?"

"Okay, I suppose..." You laughed, "...but I'm still sorry that I made you."

"It's nothing, really."

Seonghwa quietly exited the kitchen, leaving you alone with your best friend.

"You okay now?" He asked, concerned.

"Yeah. Just my normal reaction to messing up."

"You don't have to live like that anymore, Y/N." You felt Hongjoong's arms wrap around you comfortingly.  "It was his reactions that weren't normal. No one deserves to be made to feel like shit every day and certainly not over silly things like a spilled drink or forgetting to put something away."

You let out a big breath and relaxed into Hongjoong's embrace. Once he felt you had calmed down properly he spoke again.

"Do you wanna go join the guys again? The pizza must almost be here."  

                                                    ********

"You can't do that, Woo!" You exclaimed.

"I can! I've always played like that." the dark-haired boy retorted.

"That is not how you play. I'm not having it." You replied, setting your cards down and picking your phone up to Google the official rules of Uno.

"Y/N, I've been trying to tell him this for six years but we always end up arguing." Yeosang said wearily.

"Yeah." Yunho added, "That's why we never play Uno anymore."

You found the official Uno page and read over the rules until you found what you were after.

"When a person places this card the next player will have to pick up two cards and forfeit their turn." You read word-for-word off the screen. "You have to pick up two cards. You can't just put another plus two card and make me pick up four!"

"Well...that's not how I play." Wooyoung replied stubbornly but you could be just as stubborn.

"Okay then...I just won't play with you if you cheat."

Wooyoung gasped dramatically at the implication of cheating while the others all laughed at your childish interaction.

It felt so good having fun for a change. Spending time with people who seemed to genuinely like you and have fun with you, too. People who weren't constantly looking out for any mistakes you made so they could make you feel like shit.

You'd spent quite a few evenings at the dorm with Hongjoong and the boys and you were slowly starting to relax around them - enough to start arguing over game rules, certainly, but you still had a lot of doubt. Despite your last relationship you still had a tendency to trust too easily because you were desperate for warmth and friendship. The voice in your head had taken the place of your ex, constantly telling you you weren't good enough, that no one could ever want you, you weren't funny or pretty or interesting in any way. So, even though it had the potential to destroy all the progress you'd made so far, you felt yourself trusting them more and more because they seemed so nice and kind. They appeared to accept you for who you were and not judge your looks or size. Laughing at how you and Woo were playfully arguing it appeared like they really liked having you around. You just hoped the voice was wrong and you weren't setting yourself up for more pain when you found out they were just pretending to like you for Hongjoong's sake.

                                                      ********

You were sitting on the couch in the boys' dorm for another evening of a Netflix series and pizza - Yeosang and Jongho had won the battle this time, it was a horror and Mingi was not happy. Despite your original impression of him being big and intimidating he was actually just a big baby who loved affection just as much as you and right now he was holding on to your hand and squeezing his eyes shut every time the music that signalled something bad was about to happen started playing. You couldn't blame him, though, you were holding his hand just as tight and watching the tv through half-closed eyes so you could shut them quicker if something scary did appear on the screen. Your best friend, Hongjoong, was sitting on your other side, hand lightly resting on your leg in a comforting way because he knew you didn't like scary programmes.

"I still enjoy the storylines even if they do scare me." You'd told him after the episode ended, when he asked you why you still wanted to watch them.

"Do you want the last slice, Y/N?" Mingi asked, holding up the pizza box from the Hawaiian you'd shared again.

"I really shouldn't." You sighed, "You have it."

"What do you mean?" The tall brown-haired boy asked, confused.

"Well..it's alright for you guys to eat a lot because you all dance all day and work it off. You don't get fat from it. I'm just getting bigger and bigger so I need to lose some weight."

"That's stupid." San said, matter-of-factly, "There's nothing wrong with how you are."

You knew San meant well and didn't judge you but when he said 'how you are' it just cemented in your head that 'how you were' wasn't good at all. It was the same as being told you look good 'for your size' - if you weren't overweight he would surely have just said there's nothing wrong with you.

"Thanks, San but I don't feel like I'm fine like this." You said feeling awkward as everyone was looking at you now.

"I can teach you to dance, if you like. It's really good exercise." Yunho offered.

You know their practice room is upstairs, right? You'd probably go through the floor. The voice in your head mocked you.

"You do not want to see me trying to dance." You grimaced at the thought of your clumsy, uncoordinated body lumbering around a practice room.

"You could always come to the gym with me." Jongho said.

It surprised you as Jongho didn't usually talk to you that much and your face must have shown your surprise as he quickly added on, "If you want to, I mean."

From the corner of your eye you saw Wooyoung and Yeosang share a look and smirk and you couldn't help but wonder what that meant. Were they laughing at the thought of you exercising...or how you'd look in gym clothes? You didn't think on it too long, though as Jongho was still waiting, looking awkward.

"I guess?" You answered, except it came out more like a question. "I don't think I'll be very good at it, though. I've never really been to a proper gym."

"That's no problem..." the youngest said excitedly, "I can coach you."

"I don't want to use up all your time, though. You must have other things you want to do and you guys don't get a lot of time off."

"Don't worry, Y/N," Hongjoong told you, "Jongho spends most of his time off at the gym anyway."

"Well...okay then. When do we start?"

                                                    ********

You stood looking at yourself in the mirror, sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt left over from your last failed attempt at losing weight through exercise. You didn't like the way you looked but there was only one way to change that so you would just have to suck it up and go.

On getting to the gym doors you stopped to take a deep breath. It surely wouldn't be that bad but you couldn't help but worry in case people judged you or laughed at you. It didn't make sense for people to laugh because you were at least there making an effort but you'd seen your fair share of larger people being laughed at for exercising and trying to get fitter but you'd long ago realised that people were cruel. You'd be mocked for being bigger but mocked even more for trying to change it.

At least Jongho would be there to support you... Unless... the voice in your head started...

You don't know him that well...what if he thinks it's funny, too? What if he stands you up and you're left here looking stupid all alone? He might even -

'STOP IT!' You shouted silently at the voice in your head, 'You can't keep making me feel this way! Jongho wouldn't have offered to help if he was going to be mean...Hongjoong's friends aren't like that.

You were going to have to overcome this voice if you were ever going to be able to accept yourself and be happy. You knew that but it was easier said than done because these were all your thoughts about yourself and how people thought of you. If someone like your ex was being cruel and saying derogatory things about you, you could cut them out of your life and their voice would be gone but when it's your own 'voice' degrading you...how do you cut your own cruelty out of your life?

You cut that train of thought short as you could see Jongho inside the gym - surrounded by a vast array of intimidating looking machines - and you didn't want to keep him waiting. This wasn't the time for an personal crisis. It was the time, however, to force yourself through those doors and try to take the first steps towards liking yourself again.

"...five...four...three...two...one. You did it!" Jongho exclcimed happily, grinning at you. You were exhausted already because you just weren't used to this type of activity and you knew you were gonna feel it in the morning.

You and Jongho had only done twenty minutes on the treadmill before he had you using the weights. The machines had looked scary and complicated to you but he assured you he would do all the prep work and help you position yourself right. He helped you test out how much you could lift without causing damage as your muscles weren't used to the strain but he said he didn't want it to feel too easy or there would be no benefit.

"Are you sure I shouldn't be using the cardio machines if I need to lose weight?" You asked Jongho uncertainly, "I don't want to build myself up."

"No." The light brown-haired boy answered sounding very sure of himself, "Too much cardio won't help. You need to stress your muscled to make them kick into burning fat effectively. You won't build lots of muscle because you won't be lifting that much and we'll just be doing short high intensity bursts on each different machine but you will tone up."

You looked at him in awe of his knowledge, Hongjoong must be right, Jongho must spend a lot of time here. You looked over his physique as he was talking to you, he was just in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt but it was enought to hint at the muscled he had underneath that were usually hidden under his  normal clothes. You could see that Jongho had a bigger build than the others but you'd not been able to see how well-defined it was before now.

"You'll need to do some cardio before and after, of course, as your warm-up and cool-down or you could damage your muscles...and you don't want that because it could put you out of action for a while and you'll have to build your fitness back up again."

"Oh, okay. Well, you seem to really know what you're doing so just tell me what I have to do and I'll do it."

He seemed pleased at your assessment of his knowledge because he smiled, allbeit with a slight blush - maybe you'd embarrassed him a little. It occurred to you that this was probably the longest you'd ever spoken to Jongho for so maybe it was just the slight awkwardness that still lingered between the two of you.

"Good, then get yourself settled into the bicep curl and we'll continue with your arms."

                                                    ********

"Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...five...four-"

"Hey!" You cried, "You can't do that!"

"Do what?" Jongho asked innocently.

"You can't go back to five when I just got to one...it's not fair!"

Your 'instructor' laughed a little, "It's a standard training technique. You've been doing so well over the last month that I wanted to increase your reps but if I say do fifteen from the start you'd think it too much."

"I would." You agreed.

"But...if I just add another few on while you're already working you'll just continue - well, that's what most trainers find works." He gave you a questioning look and you wondered what he was thinking.

He's thinking you're a lazy, fat cow who can't see hard work through.

'That's not true!' You answered the nasty voice in your head silently, 'I have been working hard.'

"Okay, I'll try." You we're skeptical but you really wanted to show him you could try hard.

Jongho smiled at you and you couldn't help but want to do your best when he flashed you his cute, gummy grin.

"Great, let's go again! Ten..."

                                                   ********

Your muscles were so tight the next day after Jongho had increased the workload and you groaned lightly as you shifted position on the couch in the boys' dorm.

"You okay, Y/N?" Hongjoong wondered as he heard you grumbling to yourself.

"Oh, it's just my legs. Jongho made me work harder yesterday and my muscles are really achy." You looked over to see said boy looking a bit sheepish.

"I'm really good at deep muscle massages." Jongho was already next to you by the time he'd finished his sentence and reaching for you. Alarm bells instantly went off in your head - you didn't want him to touch you. It was enough that he saw you sweating and looking less than dignified at the gym, you didn't want him to be able to feel your flabby legs, as well.

"No!" You virtually shouted as you pulled your legs up under you so fast, ignoring your muscles' complaints.

"I'm sorry." You said in a small voice as Jongho looked confused and - maybe -a little hurt. The other boys were all looking at you, too, having been surprised by your outburst.

"I just...don't really like people touching me much." The apologetic look was clear on your face as you tried to explain so he knew it was your problem and nothing against him.

"It’s okay, I understand that. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." He smiled slightly but you could still see the hint of hurt on his face.

You felt awful. You didn't want Jongho to feel bad about something that was all you but you didn't know how to make it better so you just smiled apologetically back at him. The night continued on but you couldn't deny it felt a little awkward - especially when you saw Jongho look at you out of the corner of his eye when he noticed you let Hongjoong take your hand to hold while you were all watching TV. The gesture was to comfort you because your best friend knew you well enough to know you'd feel uneasy about the unwanted attention you'd brought on yourself.

Out of the eight boys, physical contact was something you only let Hongjoong do because you trusted him not to judge you. You didn't know them well enough yet and trusting people didn't come easy. Again, though, you had to admit that it was nothing to do with what kind of people they were because they really did seem genuinely lovely people. The problem was completely within you. You thought they'd judge your size because you judged it yourself. Thought they might secretly dislike you because you disliked yourself. Wondered why they wanted to hang around with a boring, unattractive girl like you because that's how you saw yourself. Thought they'd be disgusted if they saw or felt how you looked under the baggy clothes you wore because that's exactly how you felt when you saw or touched yourself. If you couldn't even like yourself, how could anyone else?

                                                    ********

"Jongho..." You panted, struggling to catch your breath, "I can't...do anymore...I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologising?" He asked confused.

"Because I'm failing." Not wanting to meet his eyes you looked down dejectedly. It had been a week since Jongho had increased your workout routine and you were exhausted. You dragged yourself off the treadmill and sat on the seat of the nearest weight machine.

"You're doing great, Y/N."

"No. I'm failing like I do everytime I try to lose weight." You felt tears welling up and were about ready to give up.

You always give up. You're lazy and useless so you might as well do it again.

Jongho frowned and placed one of his hands on each of your shoulders; you went to stand up off the seat and move away from his touch but he wouldn't let you, he was holding you too firmly. He crouched down so he was on your eye level.

"Y/N. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a really tough workout and...I may have pushed you a little too far."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"I'm really not." He was trying to get you to look at him but you wouldn't. "We've been here almost every day this week and it's probably too much straight after increasing the workload."

"Really?" Looking up you looked Jongho in the eyes trying to guage if he really meant it or was just being kind to you. His dark brown eyes were staring straight back into yours and you could only see sincerity. It made hope swell a little inside you.

"A lot of people think that the more they do, the fitter they will become but if you take on too much at once you will exhaust yourself. If you're struggling, it's probably your body telling you to slow down and allow yourself to rest."

"You think so? I'm not just a massive failure?"

"No." Jongho chuckled.

But you are massive.

"In fact," he continued, "it's me who should be apologising for letting you do too much. You could've hurt yourself."

"It's okay." You smiled, just happy he didn't think you were useless.

"How about we make sure we only do every other day to allow you resting time inbetween. We'll finish up for today and get showered."

"Sure, thanks Jongho."

You were just turning to go shower when you heard him call out to you in a softer voice than normal.

"Uhh...Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to get a coffee or something when were done here?" He looked a little unsure of himself, which was unusual because here in the gym he always seemed very confident.

"Oh...Uh, sure. I guess we could." You felt quite awkward yourself and you realised again that, although you were spending time with Jongho, you weren't really socialising - too busy concentrating on training. Nerves started to rush through you at the thought of trying to have a conversation with just the two of you but he'd been so kind to help you, you didn't want to say no.

Not wanting to keep him waiting you showered as quick as you could and towel dried your hair, leaving it to dry on it's own. You put on the same kind of baggy clothes you always wore and headed out of the women's changing room to meet him.

Your 'training instructor' smiled warmly at you when you walked over. "I know a nice coffee shop not too far from here, we can go there if you like?"

"I'm fine with wherever you want to go."  You told him, smiling shyly.

The two of you walked mostly in silence with just a bit of small talk between you. You weren't sure if Jongho was shy like you or just quieter than the other boys - some of them were so loud they didn't give the others a chance to say much. Maybe he was just the kind of person who didn't feel the need to fill the silence.

Every now and then as you were walking you saw him steal a glance at you from the corner of your eye. You tried not to think it was because he was judging you but that was always your first thought whenever anyone looked at you. You weren't always like this, in fact you used to be confident and get a lot of attention from boys. How you were now was the result of the systematic destructuction of your self-esteem over years. Being constantly told you weren't good enough, attractive enough, thin enough, pretty enough.  Being made to feel like no one else would ever want you. You used to like the attention you got but now whenever anyone looked at you, you were sure it was because they were judging how you'd 'let yourself go', as your ex would so often put it. But you'd been doing well with trying to see the positive side so you dismissed those thoughts because why would he ask you to get coffee if he was embarrasssed to be seen with you?

The cafe was one you'd not seen before and you could already see it was pretty just from the outside. It looked more like an independent shop than part of a large chain with old-style signage and the cafe name in italics.

Jongho held the door open and you walked in to find small tables with a little vase set on each one. Inside each vase was a pink flower which complemented the colour of the cushions on the ornate chairs. There were fairy lights hung aroung the cafe which gave it an almost magical feel.

"Wow, this place is really pretty." You breathed as Jongho led you to a vacant table and held out your chair for you. Shyly you thanked him and sat down on the plush seat. It was just as comfy as it looked.

"What would you like?"

"Oh, no, you don't have to get it - I can pay for mine." Before you could even get your purse out of your bag Jongho had reached out to stop you. His hand was warm on yours and - surprisingly to you - you didn't immediately pull away.

"Please, it's no problem. Let me get it." His tone was soft but you could see from the look in his eyes that he had no intention of letting you pay so you reluctanly gave in.

"Okay, if you must. A hot chocolate, please."

"Cream?"

"No, thanks."

Jongho went to place the order and you sighed, you didn't like other people paying for you, especially if you didn't know them well. You remembered all the times your ex would pay for things but then make you feel bad about it. Complaining that you didn't earn enough and that he had to help you out. You had never asked him to and he didn't need to. It was just another way for him to belittle you and make you feel worthless.

As you waited for Jongho you thought about your 'realtionship' with him. At the moment it was only at the gym that you interacted. At the boys' dorm the louder members usually dominated the conversation so, although you did sometimes speak with him, you hadn't had much of a real conversation together. You didn't think you could call him your friend yet but you wanted to be able to. Maybe if you were brave and made the effort you could make a good start today.

The clink of the mugs being placed on the table startled you out of your thoughts.

Jongho laughed a little, "Sorry, did I make you jump?"

"Yeah," A sheepish look crept onto your face, "I was lost in thought."

"Oh? About what?"

"Well...we only really talk at the gym. I was thinking it would be nice to get to know you better outside of exercising."

It wasn't easy for you to put yourself out there even this little bit. In addition to judgement you always expected rejection. Except for Hongjoong you'd never had any good friends. You'd had people who you hung around with but not that you'd call real friends. You'd never felt accepted by the other girls. Rejection was what you feared every time you tried to make friends now.

"I'd really like that." You looked away shyly and blew on your hot chocolate as Jongho smiled brightly at you. You didn't really know where to go from here because it was so unlike you to even start a conversation let alone try to make a friend.

"I'd also really like you to share this red velvet with me." He said, indicating to a ridiculously-sized piece of cake sitting between you on the table.

"Oh, no...I really shouldn't." The cake did look amazing but you'd been so good lately, for once managing to stick to a healthier diet that didn't include your usual excessive amounts of cake and ice cream. You hadn't cut them out completely, just reduced to a normal amount. In addition to exercise, Jongho had helped with dietary advice; telling you not to forbid yourself anything but to balance your intake better. In the past when you cut out treats completely, it had always gone badly. You'd stick to it for a few months then crack and go on a binge. Jongho advised to make sure you get the proper amount of carbs, protein and nutrients to keep a balanced diet and stay healthier.

"Don't make me eat this all on my own...pleeease?" The pout that accompanied his plea was possibly the cutest thing you'd ever seen and definitely not something you could win against.

"Oh, alright. I'll have a little bit." You sighed, giving in to him again. "But only because you looked so cute. Pouting like that is a really dirty tactic, you know."

"I know," Jongho smirked, "...but at least you think I'm cute."

He flashed his signature gummy grin at you and you blushed, looking away. You wondered where on earth that confidence to call him cute even came from but as you sat talking to your training partner you found it amazingly easy to talk to him - comfortable, even. You had thought him shy because he didn't say much around you when the other boys were there but he didn't seem that way now it was just the two of you. He talked about so many different things and carried a lot of the conversation so confidently. He made you feel perfectly at ease and despite your fear of eating in front of other people he even managed to make you forget that, too. He was making you laugh with his terrible 'dad' jokes so much that when he held his fork out for you to take a bite of the moist red velvet cake, you were just too distracted to feel self-conscious.

Even when Jongho guided you out the door with his hand on the small of your back you didn't flinch away, you felt so comfortable with him.

"Wow, I didn't realise we'd been in there so long." Looking around the darkness outside confused you. It hadn't seemed like you were in there for that long.

"It is pretty dark now. I can walk you home...I mean, if you want that, of course." Jongho really was being quite the gentleman today; you idly wondered if this was what he was normally like or if he was just offering out of politeness because of the dark.

"It's okay, I'll be fine. My place isn't too far from here." You didn't want to put him out any more. Your apartment was in the completely opposite direction to the boys'.

"Oh." You weren't sure but he looked almost disappointed. Most likely just worried about you walking alone in the dark. "Well, get some rest before our next session. Be careful walking back."

"I will. Thanks for the hot chocolate...and cake." You smiled and waved before turning and making your way home, feeling really happy for once.

In bed that evening you found yourself going over the days events in your mind again. Not worrying over any errors you made that might make you look stupid, like you normally would but being thinking about Jongho and hoping you could think of him as a proper friend now. He was so kind and patient with you when you were working out at the gym but you had to admit you had much more fun with him afterwards.

You found yourself replaying the meeting in your mind; the silly jokes he made, how he looked so cute when he was trying not to laugh at them himself as he delivered the punchline. His smile really was so pretty.

As usually happened, though, the self-deprecating thought crept back in as you pondered just how good-looking he was and wondered what people must have thought seeing someone like you with someone like him. You really weren't in the same league as him. You could see just how easy it would be to fall for him but that didn't make any difference; it's not like he'd ever like you back. Why would he when he had tons of perfect-looking girls around him to choose from. Backing dancers, other idols, you couldn't compete with a single one of them. Your ex loved to remind you that no one else would ever want you looking like you did but at least if you remembered that and didn't get your hopes up, you couldn't get hurt again when the inevitable rejection came.

[boymeetsweevil]

(Welcome to) Camp Lonely Heart

Grouping: Camp Counselor!Reader x Camp Counselor!Taehyung

Word Count: ~15.6k lmao 

Warnings/Themes: walkie talkie sex + masturbation, graphic public sex in a field, descriptions throughout of breast play, 69ing, riding, fingering, creampie sorta, some bullying, some angst, concerned older brother Minho, OC is kinda flaky

Summary: It’s possible to find love in all sorts of places: In bars, in school, on apps. But what about through a walkie talkie?

Part of the Masterlist for Group 2 of the @btssmutclub Summer Project

A/N: sorry its late! tagging @classickei and @chimchurro

A noogie from his older brother is the first thing to welcome Taehyung when he arrives at the admin building for the first weekly counselor meeting. He sits through it patiently because he knows Minho means well and it’s better than those times where he just cups Taehyung’s face tenderly and says absolutely nothing. But this is why he insisted they arrive separately.

With Minho’s arm tossed over his shoulder, Taehyung makes his way into the familiar conference room. Despite the fact that this is his 3rd year as a junior counselor, the fact that the conference hasn’t changed since it was built in the 80’s still surprises him every time. The people inside it change fairly frequently, though. There’s always a steady rotation of counselors for both the boys’ and the girls’ camps on their respective sides of Lake Lonely Heart.

A smattering of people are already seated and chatting amongst themselves before the introductory meeting starts. As more people trickle in, Taehyung acknowledges them from his corner seat. Some veteran staff from the boys’ camp naturally come to his and Minho’s side of the table, greeting Minho mostly.

“How was your trip up, son,” asks one of the senior staff, Cref.

“It was good,” Minho gives a genuine smile up at Cref before giving a pointed look in Taehyung’s direction.

“Oh,” Cref’s eyes dim noticeably, “And how was your trip, Tae?”

“It was fine,” Taehyung’s answer matches Cref’s in its lack of warmth.

“I see you kept that little ponytail thing you had last summer.”

“Yeah.”

“Shame,” Cref huffs before turning to some of the other boys’ staff that arrived while he was talking and gesturing to Taehyung.

“Cref can you really talk when you’ve still got that comb-over?” The comment sends the other boys’ staff who’d been listening into a tizzy and Cref scoffs before turning on them to compensate. Meanwhile, Minho gives Taehyung a covert pat on the back.

None of the girls’ staff seemed to be watching the exchange with the exception of one girl who must be a new hire. Taehyung doesn’t recognize her face from last summer and though she’d been snoring softly when Taehyung first arrived, she looks at some of the jeering boys’ staff with a bit of muted disapproval. The look is brief because almost instantly another one of the counselors near her pulls her into another conversation. The sour tinge her features had disappears and leaves a gentle and open expression on her face as she listens to someone tell her about what to expect with her sleeper cabin.

There’s something nice about her face even though nothing specific jumps out at him as super beautiful or sexy. The soft way she smiles is subtle, almost like the turn of lips could have been a trick of the light. He wants to know what a full-blown smile would look like. Taehyung likes to think that he would have gotten up to talk to her. Eventually. If it weren’t for the camp leader entering the room with the dreaded Talking Stick.

“Alright everyone,” the camp leader shouts energetically, halting all conversations. “Veterans don’t spoil anything. Newbies, one of you raise your hand and tell me what you think this is,” she grins and wiggles the bedazzled stick in a wide circle.

Taehyung sighs and settles back further into his chair, ready to endure yet another round of icebreakers and name learning games.

“Here’s your humble abode for the next few months,” Moe grunts as she pushes the door of the cabin in. She smiles shakily before mumbling something about the paint job being so new that the door wouldn’t budge. A few hits to the door with her shoulder help it swing open.

The cabin looks nearly identical to that of Moe and Moe’s roommates. A pair of bunkbeds sit across the main room from one another. There’s some simple wooden furniture and a nice view of forest on the girls’ side of the lake in the front window by the door. The bathroom has two shower stalls and two sinks. The cabin is clearly made to hold four occupants.

“Are my roommates on their way?”

You walk in and admire the posters on the wall. They must have been left by some other counselor some number of summers ago.

“So, uh, you actually get this whole cabin to yourself.”

“Huh? Like I’ll be sleeping here by myself?”

“Yeah. I know its weird, but it’s not on purpose. The rooming system isn’t the most efficient. People fill the first cabin and then we fill the second one and on and on. When we got your answer, it was late and we’d perfectly filled 3 other cabins before this one. And since your position was the last one we filled before closing the apps, there weren’t any other people after you who could have been placed here.”

You try your hardest not to look too dismayed at your lonesome living situation. But, truthfully, one of the things that made you consider taking the position was the friends you were hoping to make on he job. The job testimonies on the Camp Lonely Hearts website mentioned that some of the best times of being a counselor were the times had in the cabin with coworkers after dark. With you being new to the city and this being the first summer in a long while where you weren’t forcing yourself into a boring 9-to-5, you wanted to take a chance on something inspiring instead. And you really wanted to make friends because city life alone was taking a toll on you. The chance to be a ‘youth leader for the young women and men of Camp Lonely Heart’ seemed like just the right thing.

Now, though, it looked like you would have to work a little harder to make the lasting connections you were expecting to fall into your lap the first night on the grounds.

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” Moe says when some of the bouncy pluck in your shoulders seems to leave you with the sigh you let out. “You’re welcome to bring a sleeping bag and sleepover in cabin 3 any time.”

“Thanks, Moe.” She leaves you to unpack with the slow setting sun.

Everything seems clean enough under your quick inspection. You take over the bathroom with your toiletries and towels. The bunk bed is less uncomfortable than you thought it would be, and there’s an outlet near your little writing desk, so you’re able to plug in and set up your boombox. There’s no wifi at the camp, and while it’s an experience you’re looking forward to, you can’t live in total silence. You did, however, bid all your friends a temporary goodbye on Facebook after explaining where you’d be for the summer.

You switch the boombox onto radio mode and extend the boosted antennae. It picks up a classics station that you unpack to. The job is over quickly given that you only had to pack a few undergarments and pairs of shorts to rotate with the t-shirts that they give to counselors so people don’t confuse some of you with campers.

When boredom starts clawing at the edges of your brain, you snoop through all the little corners and crannies you ignored when you first arrived and were busy with settling in. You don’t find much. You find a shoebox with a bunch of office supplies under the other bunk bed, a supremely large beetle carcass on your window sill, and a solar powered walkie talkie in the bottom drawer of the writing desk.

The walkie talkie obviously is the most intriguing find out of all of your finds, but you don’t see its mate in the cabin. Surprisingly enough, it powers up, but it has a low battery. You fiddle with the channels and mumble a wimpy little ‘anyone there’ into the first one. Figuring that no one is there, you lower it from your ear and move to go make your bed when the device sounds.

“Hello?”

The voice is deep and smooth. You’re so spooked by the response that the walkie talkie slips from your hand and clatters to the floor with a loud clunk. You let out a curse and bend down to pick it up only to find that the transmission was cut off from the impact. With the hopes that you can revive the device, you stick it in the bathroom window where you know it will get the most sun during the day and pray it's not broken.

Before you head to bed early, you go over your schedule and how you’re going to present yourself to the kids the next morning. It takes a while for you to memorize your schedule because your mind is slightly preoccupied,  wondering what the person on the other end must be thinking of your sudden departure.

You were worried that it would take a while to adjust to your position and that the kids would be intimidating, but quickly you realize there was nothing to worry about.

You love your girls more than you could have predicted. They took to you instantly since you were the youngest among the counselors. Even the 17-year-olds, who are the oldest campers there, flocked to you too during parts of the daily schedule that you weren’t leading. Many of the girls in high school would drag you to their table in the mess hall during dinner or the free period before lights out to ask you for school advice and questions about the more mysterious parts of life. It instills in you a strong sense of responsibility that you didn’t think was possible. You didn’t think you’d ever find teenagers endearing.

The camp itself is kind of like a hazy afternoon dream. The nature around you is beautiful and the air is crisp. If you take a 20 minute trek away from the main grounds, you stumble into the camp’s medium sized lavender field. It’s your favorite place to be at any time of the day because the air is thick with the scent of the purple flower. The first time you see it, you’re joining one of the other junior counselors, Jade, to grab some plants for craft time.

“You’re gonna trap flies like that,” Jade gestures to your slack mouth.

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just that we barely even get grass on the sidewalks at my new apartment. And this is...so beautiful.”

You can’t help it really. The sweet scent that had been coating your nose and throat since you were halfway up the trail just increased ten-fold and has stolen the place of your breath.

“Yeah, it has that effect on people. But you get used to it after working here long enough and the smell starts to fade. You might even get a little sick of it.”

You shake your head to clear it and try to fathom the idea of being sick of lavender. The rows of plants are lush, huge, and neat. You walk through the small plowed paths between each bush looking for the most fragrant patch you can find. There’s what looks like a few other counselors from the other side of the lake wandering through some nearby rows, looking for the same thing you are. You tap Jade’s shoulder when their backs are turned to you and whisper.

“They’re from the boys’ camp, right? Do you know those guys? ” Jade turns and squints into the distance before straightening up immediately.

“Oh my god, yeah, that’s Minho. He’s the yoga instructor for the boys.” Her tone takes on a wispy, dreamy quality. “He’s so nice and so cool. And, like, really funny.”

The man in question has on a shockingly bright Tiffany blue t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to beat the heat. And perhaps showcase his sculpted arms. He looks tall and broad from your vantage point, but he doesn’t seem extraordinary at first glance. Maybe he’s really great once you get to know him.

“What about the other one?” The slightly shorter man with the tiny ponytail and coke-bottle glasses catches your attention more. Even though he’s fairly far away, you can tell he has a nice profile. Jade squints again and hums in thought.

“Mm, I don’t know. I think he’s one of the newer guys. I don’t really remember his spiel from the intro meeting. Do you know him?”

“No,” you give him one last look before squatting down and getting to work. “Just curious.”

***

“—and then move this finger here,” Taehyung nudges one of the camper’s fingers until it’s sure to make the guitar in his hands sing that way he wants. “That’s the last part of the chord. So from there you can play that song we went over in musical hour. Did you take notes?”

“Yeah.” The kid in front of him is probably no more than 16, maybe a baby-faced 17. He looks too nervous for an impromptu guitar review during free time.

“Kook, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” Jungkook hangs his head a little in embarrassment. “Just...what if I suck at guitar?”

“Then you suck at guitar,” Taehyung shrugs. “It’s okay to not be good at things. Especially if you’re just learning them for the first time.”

“I know, but I really need to be good at this. I have to be able to learn a song in less than a week by the time camp ends.”

“That can be kind of fast depending on the song. Why do you need to learn songs so quick?”

Jungkook’s round cheeks heat up and he eyes his peers who are playing jacks at one of the dinner tables. “There’s this girl...”

Taehyung hums knowingly and smiles down at the kid. “I see. Did you tell her you could play guitar?”

“How did you know?” Jungkook’s are wide as he eyes Taehyung like he read his mind.

“Just a guess.”

The camper nods. “I told her I’d learn her favorite song and play it for her when she gets back from vacationing with her parents. But I obviously don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Well, I can’t promise you that you’ll become a prodigy before the end of camp, but I’ll let you borrow my guitar every day as long as you promise to practice like you mean it every time.”

“If I do that, do you think I’ll at least be able to learn her song?”

“I’ll personally help you learn the song.” Jungkook’s shoulder relax instantly once he realizes he’s in good hands.

***

“Star, it’ll be fine. Really,” you try your hardest to get the tiny middle schooler to stop shaking without drawing attention to her as you bring her into the admin building. “Once your mom picks up, I’m sure she’ll understand and she’ll bring your hormones over.”

“I know,” Star’s frame shivers with the force of her hiccups, her eyes pink and watery. “But I can’t believe I forgot them at all. She didn’t even wanna let me go because she was worried I’d lose them.”

“But you didn’t lose them, sweetpea. You forgot them. Kinda different.” The little sobs, now intermittent at best, halt as she processes your logic.

You show Star to the telephone used for emergency contact or extreme cases of homesickness before stepping away to let her have some privacy with her mother. In the meantime, you let the borrowed keys of Moe’s truck swing from your fingers while you explore the halls of the admin building.

It feels odd roaming the various wings of the building when you’re not there for your Wednesday morning staff check-ins. The layout isn’t any different from those days, but you rarely get to see the other parts since you usually just make a beeline for the conference room.

The white painted cinder block walls and the linoleum tiles give you flashbacks to your own adolescent days in school. As does the un-ironic use of retro inspirational posters—though you suppose they weren’t retro when they were first put up. A few doors leading to utility closets or other, smaller conference rooms. While hunting for the staff lounge, you find a counselor you recognize from your side of the lake talking covertly with a counselor presumably from the boys’ side. Your roll your eyes when they give a disdainful stare for breaking their private moment and keep snooping.

At the end of the hall is the communal laundry room. The lines for it are usually awful on Wednesdays. You peer in just to see what it is you don’t have to deal with since you have your own unit in your little cabin. In that moment, you catch someone holding up boxers. You recognize them as that Minho guy that all the counselors seemed to have fallen for.

“Did you find any extra detergent, Tae?” He turns to you then and realizes you’re not who he thinks you are and you’re out of there as quickly as possible.

When you get back to the phone, Star is waiting patiently with no more tears and news that her mom will be dropping off her hormones and some homemade fudge.

***

Breakfast is served to the counselors at asscrack od dawn so that they can get the mess hall ready for the campers and complete the first things on the schedule for the day. Usually it's not so bad, but today’s early rise is hard for Taehyung because Minho brought some of the other counselors into their cabin the night before and they didn’t leave until late.

So when Taehyung stumbles into the mess hall looking for pancakes, he hasn’t given any thought to his morning appearance. He fixes his plate and sits across from his brother since the spot next to him is taken by Cref.

Taehyung’s wearing an old t-shirt that’s gone through many of his more experimental phases with clothes. The previously white t-shirt is now a soft apricot color after a night he was practicing with dyes a few years ago and the sleeves are thin in the places he took scissors to the shirt.

“Nice lingerie,” Cref sneers down his nose at Taehyung while he picks at his breakfast meat sleepily. “You know, I think I saw something at the mall a few weeks ago.”

A few of the guys sitting on the side laugh, some even dumbly repeat the joke under their breath as they chuckle into their breakfast.

“Fuck off, Cref.” Taehyung’s sigh comes out deeply tired. More tired than one could be from one night up too late from a noisy roommate’s friends. “It’s too early for this.”

“Yeah, Cref,” Minho pipes up, eyes locked on Taehyung’s sleep-puffy face and messy long hair. “We all know you don’t personally have the ass to pull off anything in a lingerie shop. And you definitely don’t have anyone’s ass to pull them off of either. You just sound sad, man.”

Cref stammers at Minho’s comment, not missing the subtle way the jab went a little deeper than it normally does when the two are just ripping on one another for fun. He admits defeat and sends a little nod in Taehyun’s direction. The same guys who were giggling earlier look on at Minho with some awe and are quick to jump on Cref for his non-existent ass as well.

When Minho kicks him under the table, Taehyung gives him a small thumbs up before taking his now half-eaten plate away to dump.

***

Dinners are normally spent at a table off to the side with the campers because they want to be able to treat you less like an authority figure and more like a wise older sister. But tonight you’re eating with the other counselors because you’re missing adult company. It’s been hard to have any of the bonding moments you were hoping for and there’s not much time during the day to have them when you’re trying to patch up skinned knees and guide macaroni projects.

Even though everyone is friendly enough and does try to make sure you feel included, you can’t help but notice how peripheral you are. After a few weeks, everyone has their designated dinner seat, so you were forced to pull up a chair to eat. Once the plates were cleared, you still felt a little left out. Apparently everyone makes a habit of staying up a little later than you so they can have time to unwind and talk about the day together in the other cabins. Apparently, people even share bunks occasionally so that they can visit non-roommate staff for the night.

You know you’re really not part of the group when the conversation becomes 80% inside jokes and you can’t recognize or understand a single one. The girl next to you attempts to explain the first few, but it slows the conversation down and you can tell that people are losing their patience when a story has to halt for you to catch up on nicknames or events. She stops explaining after the 4th one and you don’t really blame her. Maybe you should have spent dinners with them more. Or maybe you shouldn’t have gone to bed so early; even on the nights where you felt the exhaustion in your bones.

While everyone laughs about something someone said one night earlier in the summer, you construct a mental pros and cons list in your head. You could stick around and try to scrape through every single thing everyone says until you get all the jokes and can understand why random things like the brisket you’re eating is so funny. Or you can accept that you’ll probably have to forge these connections individually and not feel bad about getting well-deserved rest when you need it.

You opt for the latter and genuinely explain to everyone that while you had a nice time, you’re feeling a little fatigued. No one looks like they’ve caught on, but no one looks too upset to see you go either. The conversation continues to flow as you leave the dining hall, no need to fill the space you left because you didn’t really leave one. The walk from the mess hall to your cabin is short and brisk and you feel as though you’re not sure you made the right choice. You hope sleep will clear your head.

But before you get to the little fork in the foot trail that separates the other cabins from yours, you get struck with a current of rebellion. If you’re going to be lonely, you might as well make the solo time as fun as possible. So you sneak behind one of the cabins, searching for the cooler you know is wedged under the raised foundation. The first night there, someone showed you the booze that they brought in behind the camp leader’s back during the strict luggage inspection. If you recall correctly, you remember this girl saying that her boyfriend drives up during the weekly meetings and drops off new cases of beers for her to scoop up under the guise of a “bathroom break”.

When you open the cooler, there’s several 40s sitting in a bath of ice. It’s not your drink of choice, but beggars can’t be choosers. You take two for good measure and skip off to go drink on your porch with the radio blaring from inside the cabin.

***

“Tae, come on. You haven’t pulled your trunks out once since we got here.”

Minho whines fairly well for someone of his stature and it’s convincing enough with the pouty lips and the puppy eyes that Taehyung really does consider it. ‘It’ being swapping his pajamas for some board shorts and heading out to the lake for a night swim. Apparently the water will be refreshing in the thick and heavy heat in the night air. One of the other counselors had promised a smuggled beer, but Taehyung isn’t really interested in tempting fate.

“I don’t think I’m up for it,” Taehyung says while pushing Minho out the front door of their cabin. His biggest fans Jay and Dan are waiting outside and groan when Minho turns back again.

“You sure you don’t want to come? Maybe you’ll end up having fun. You never know.”

Jay whispers to Dan then. “I don’t know why he’s always so obsessed with bringing him around to stuff. It’s not like he adds anything to the mood, you know?”

It’s loud enough for Taehyung to hear, though he doesn’t think it was supposed to be heard. Minho instantly shoves Jay into Dan, who both go stumbling off the steps of the cabin porch. A moment later his eyes admit defeat and he pats Taehyung’s shoulder.

“Do you want company? I can stay in and you can, like, teach me the color wheel again.”

“Really, it’s fine. I’m gonna do some reading. I brought a few books that I’ve been wanting to crack open. And I’m kinda tired. Don’t worry about me.”

***

By the time you’ve finished half of your second bottle, you’ve migrated back into your cabin. Drunk-you is a little paranoid and worried that the camp leader will show up out of nowhere and see you intoxicated. Although, as you flop onto your bed, you’re not sure that’s such a bad thing. At least then you’d have company, you muse.

The bottle hangs from your lax fingers and you take a look at your surroundings. The screen door is facing out towards the lake and the view shows that the boys’ side of the camp is still awake with the lights from their own cabins shining like small beacons back at you. Then you look back and there’s the four walls of wood. You wonder briefly if its pine or oak before realizing you’re a little too drunk if you’re trying to distinguish between types of lumber. You do appreciate the wood’s warm tone and the natural striations that add some intrigue to the otherwise bland walls. If it weren’t for the abandoned Kiki’s Delivery Service poster on one wall facing your bed, you might think you were in a wooden version of solitary confinement.

Your head turns to rest more comfortably on your pillow and you gaze up at the little writing desk below the window that faces the woods behind the cabin. A little blurry shadow obscures some of the view of the forest and you sit up to see it better. It’s the little walkie talkie you discovered on the first day.

Drunkenness and boredom compel you to leave the softness of your mattress and stumble over to the window. The walkie talkie spent several weeks in the sun, so you figure it can’t be out of battery. You also figure it can’t have actually been destroyed from the meter it fell from your hand to the floor that one day. So you flip the power switch with blind hope and squeal excitedly when it turns on. Pressing the ‘talk’ button, you hop around the main room of the cabin and hum into the first channel. The song you’re singing is a broken version of a tune your grandfather used to always have floating in the air of his house from his record player. The melody sloshes together at certain points like the contents of the bottle you continue to take generous swigs from.

***

Taehyung’s reading in his bed, trying to tune out the sounds of distant splashing and shouting coming from his co-counselors by the lakeside. When he picks up the sound of sloppy singing, he wonders if Minho has come back to the cabin for a towel or to try to convince him to come back out again. But the door of the cabin doesn’t swing open. Taehyung is confused for about 5 more seconds before he’s eyeing the dark space under his bed suspiciously. There, underneath a sheet that fell down the crack between the mattress and the bed, is the walkie talkie that’s been collecting dust since the night before the camp session started.

He shifts an arm down behind the bed and disentangles the device from the sheets and dust bunnies. Sure enough, the broken lilting of the soft tune is coming from the walkie talkie. To say he’s surprised is an understatement. A few weeks prior, he’d turned on the walkie talkie by accident and a moment later someone’s voice sparked from the speaker. He was intrigued enough by the voice to leave the device on during the day, charging it often in case whoever was on the other side would want to tune in again.

Now, the fog of sleep rises to make room for this little mystery. He doesn’t try to speak just yet. Instead, he lets your voice continue your rendition of a few songs mashed into one from a famous jazz album. When your voice putters out because you forget where the rest of the tune’s trail leads, Taehyung smiles to himself.

“I really—hic—wish someone was there,” your whisper crackles through the speaker.

He worries a bit about scaring you off again, but the urge to speak outweighs the worry. He holds the device up to his mouth hesitantly. “Someone is.”

“Oh.” You don’t seem nearly as startled as you were last time he spoke up. “The void speaks.”

“Believe it or not, I’m not the void.”

“Well,” you hiccup more into the walkie talkie and the sound is funny and tiny. “I suppose you’re not if you say you’re not. But who’s to say the void isn’t just a consciousness trapped in a reality that won’t answer back.”

“Wow. Do you normally philosophize in the midnight hour while drinking?”

The sound of you taking a large swig from your 40 washes into his side. “How did you know I’ve been drinking?”

“Call it a hunch,” he grins up at the slats of the mattress above his own.

“Well, what are—what are you doing?”

“Me?” For some reason the question takes him by surprise. “I’m just reading.”

“Reading what?”

“N-nothing.” He stares down at the book he was reading. “It’s just an art book.”

“What kind of art?”

“Uh, Van Gogh,” he trails off, waiting for your reaction.”Van Gogh’s art.”

“Oh, that kid. Nice one.” You let out a burp, but otherwise sound completely serious.

Taehyung can’t help the laughter that takes over him. It’s not that your reaction was stupid, but it was so unexpected and nonchalantly ridiculous that his brain can only react with laughter. You grumble at him through the speaker, but don’t actually take offense. He laughs for so long that you’re silent on the other line when he finally calms down.

“Sorry,” he wipes at his eyes, “I didn’t mean to laugh at you like that. I just...I’ve never heard anyone do something like that.”

“‘s okay,” your shrug is practically audible.

“Hey, you’re not a camper from the girls’ side, are you?”

“Are you asking if I’m one of Camp Lonely Hearts’ young women?” Your voice takes on a strange lisp in attempt to sound hauty.

“Yes?”

“Well, sadly I’m not. I’m a counselor over there, though.”

“I think this is the first time I’ve talked with one of you guys this whole summer.”

Back in your cabin, you have the walkie talkie resting against your ear after having fallen back into bed. Your feet are at the wrong end of the mattress, but you don’t care because the sound of the deep voice on your little radio is soothing and pairs well with your beer exhaustion.

“Mmm, me too.”

Your breathing slows and evens out, lengthening in Taehyung’s ear. He lays the walkie talkie down then, realizing that you’re probably on the verge of falling asleep. From the sound of it, you probably fell asleep with the ‘talk’ button still activated. He switches his walkie talkie off after mumbling an awkward ‘goodnight’ and lays the device down on the ground near his bed. He falls asleep quickly that night.

*** After waking up slightly hungover but not hungover enough to be without memory of the night before, you panicked.

Whoever this mystery person was on the other end of the walkie talkie, you had babbled dark philosophical nonsense at them for a good five minutes before doing who knows what else. You were so embarrassed you could hardly swallow down the overlooked eggs they served you for breakfast that morning. Being on kitchen duty didn’t help the upset stomach. You felt nauseated by your dopey antics and the smells of the meat and eggs you were frying for the campers’ breakfast.

The only thing that settled your stomach was the resolute plan you made to apologize to the mystery person over your lunch break. You hoped to all that was good in the world that the other person wasn’t a camper that was so scarred by your actions that they already reported you to the camp leader. Although, something about their tone when they asked you if you were a camper the night before made you think they were a counselor like you. It was the nerves and the hint of disappointment that even drunk-you picked up on. Nerves and disappointment about what, though?

With all your musing, you’re spaced out during physical education period and get brained by a volleyball. It’s actually a blessing in disguise because it means you get sent home and don’t have to work the dinner shift. The walk back to your cabin is full of you patting the tender skin of the back of your head while you practice your explanation for why your dignity is still actually intact and why you’re not as weird as you may have seemed last night.

But when you get back to your cabin, you find that you’re more nervous of the idea that no one picks up than the idea that they do pick up to give you a piece of their mind. Still, you switch the device on because you want to explain yourself. The first channel crackles to life again and you press the ‘talk’ button.

***

“I’m telling you, if these kids would just put their phones down, their spinal alignment would be so much better. You ever looked at their little shoulders? They looks like fucking mole hills. Makes me wanna cry.”

Minho is trying as best he can to remain still despite how much the topic of young people’s posture riles him up. Taehyung appreciates the effort, though, as it makes Minho’s silhouette much easier to capture on his canvas. On nights when there isn’t much to do, Taehyung takes out his paints and sometimes gets his older brother to be his model. In exchange, Minho gets to rant to a whole person about the dangers of office chairs on the coccyx or whatever the sexy new topics are in his chiropractors' digest.

Tonight is one of those nights and Taehyung’s managed to fill the canvas with three different poses and has also learned why he shouldn’t ever cross his legs for extended periods of time or diss nursing shoes until he’s tried them. But before he can ask Minho to find another position to hold, the walkie talkie by the foot of his bed fires up; on from when he turned it on as soon as he got back into his cabin for the day.

“Hello? It’s me,” your voice calls tentatively out into the air.

“Ooooh, who’s that?” Minho’s eyes turn into little semi circles as he grins at Taehyung. The mocking coos are inaudible to you because Taehyung hasn’t pressed the ‘talk’ button and he’s glad for that too. He quickly flips Minho the bird before scooping up the little device and leaving to sit on the porch.

Time stretches thin as you wait for an answer. The seconds are long. Long enough that your face is hot with unnamed shame and you’re reaching to switch the device off when—

“Hey. Sorry about the delay.”

“Hey!” You pull back automatically before remembering you’re the one who initiated the call. No backing down now. “So, I’m—I’m sure you remember the other night.”

“I do,” he snickers and recalls the way you’d bumbled around verbally. “Are you back for a repeat performance?”

“Uh, no. I actually wanted to apologize for being so weird yesterday. I was kinda drunk and I didn’t think about the fact that I might be bothering someone by turning this thing on and talking into it.”

“You didn’t bother me.”

“I didn’t?” You were just about to venture into the next part of your prepared speech, but now that you don’t need to, you’re at a loss for words. “That’s...good to hear. Are you sure? I can be kind of a lot when I’m drunk.”

“I really didn’t mind. It was a nice change from—I mean, it was funny. And nice.”

“Nice? I can’t remember the last time someone said I was nice.” The laugh behind your voice is subtle, but it sweetens the tone of your already pleasant words until Taehyung is smiling again.

“Glad to be of service, then,” he shoves a hand in his pocket.

“You sound nice too,” you blurt out. The sound of your feet hitting the floor in a little dance of embarrassment are thankfully too soft to reach Taehyung’s ears. “I mean—”

“Thanks. So,” he clears his throat softly, “do you like jazz?”

From that night on, you and Taehyung begin talking with one another via walkie talkie. Every night, a few hours before sunset, one of you will send out a little message to the other. Nearly like clockwork. Nearly because there are some nights where the conversation gets put on the back burner. Those were unusual nights, though. On one of those nights, the older counselors wanted to host an ABBA karaoke night with some of the older campers in the dining commons and you couldn’t miss it because 1) the 17-year-olds really like you, and 2) you can completely body an ABBA song despite the fact that you were never an avid fan growing up. Another one of those nights Taehyung couldn’t make it because Minho dragged him out of the room to play flashlight tag in the woods. He didn’t even have time to change out of his paint-stained shirt, much less shoot you a quick warning about not being able to talk. Although you didn’t like being left hanging, when he explained why he was busy the following night, you completely understood. Because, really, how often does an adult flashlight tag opportunity come up?

Even still—on nights like those you both miss each other’s voices.

99% of the time, though, you both make time for talking with one another. When you both are in, you talk about anything and everything. From family and life outside the camp to joke competitions that have Minho snorting to himself from under the covers even though he’s supposed to be asleep. The number of movie and book recommendations you’ve swapped only to find out that the other person was a fan is almost too high to not make you wonder if you’re actually stuck in some cliché young adult summer novel.

These days Taehyung’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Usually he doodles what he thinks you could look like in his Moleskin while ignoring Minho’s weird soft looks or wiggly eyebrows. Sometimes he’s not up for sharing his cool new digital pal with his brother and he’ll migrate outside, to the back of the cabin, and endure the bugs so he can enjoy your voice in peace. The only downside is that Minho won’t let him live it down. The countless jokes about his new lady friend only get worse when Minho slips up one breakfast and lets all the other counselors know that Taehyung’s been avoiding the group to talk to you. The raucous applause was one thing, but Cref’s fake pride that Taehyung managed to capture female attention was enough to have him kicking Minho under the table for his indiscretion. But it wasn’t all that bad.

You’re fairly content with the way things are as well. You’ve managed to get your boombox radio to play a local ‘best of’ jazz station and it reminds you of your myste when you’re not talking with him. It's only until you catch yourself trying to recall Taehyung’s appearance that you realize what you’re missing. That is, you don’t know what he looks like and that makes you feel odd. In theory, people don’t need to know what their friends look like. Pen pals and mutuals on social media sites don’t always know what their internet friends look like and still manage to talk for years and feel a real sense of closeness. But you keep wondering. Is he tall, is he brunet, is he pretty?

The thought keeps plaguing you until one day the question just tumbles out of your mouth. It’s a Tuesday, and you’re getting ready for bed because you have to be up earlier on Wednesdays for the weekly meetings. Taehyung had just been telling you about a flip that the arts director did that morning off the pier. It was a grisly story of broken legs and nose bleeds and how Taehyung  became both the arts and music counselor until further notice. You’d been trying to listen diligently but you couldn’t help drifting off. You’re trying to picture Taehyung’s face solely off the timber of his voice when that same voice blares a little louder than normal in your ear.

“Yo, did you fall asleep on something?”

“How tall are you?”

“Uh,” is all you get back from him. And it’s honestly an appropriate response to such a blunt change of subject.

“Sorry, that was kinda rude of me. It’s just that I realized that you’re probably the closest person to me in this whole camp and we’re not even on the same side of the lake...I just realized I don’t even know your name. And I definitely wouldn’t be able to pick you out in a crowd.”

“That’s—that’s true,” he gnaws thoughtfully on his lip and Minho raises his surprised and bespectacled gaze from a physical rehabilitation manual. “I’m Taehyung.”

He’s not sure how he managed to spend weeks talking with you nearly every night only to never ask for your name. When he was alert and talking with you, he felt no gaps, he didn’t even think to ask. But, Taehyung thinks, maybe the thought came to him when he was on the fuzzy border of sleep and wakefulness. When he was most open and sometimes the yearning slipped out. He doesn’t say any of that to you, of course. He just listens to you reply with your own name and repeats it to you until you’re praising him for the way it sounds on his tongue. Minho makes fun of him and whispers your name in a squeaky voice that’s supposed to be Taehyung’s.

“I like your name,” you chirp. You’re so happy to have one more piece to the puzzle that is Taehyung that you almost forget your original question. “So, Taehyung, what do you look like.”

“I’m 5’10.5,” he starts. “And I have...blond hair. All my friends tell me I have a perfect face–”

“Is that so?”

“–and a great chest-to-waist ratio. I don’t wear makeup, b-but if I did my MAC shade would be NW30.” Minho narrows his eyes at Taehyung, but the younger man simply turns away.

“That’s nice?” You sound a bit baffled by the description as well, but you try to take it in stride and picture it.

The resulting image in your mind isn’t exactly what you expected, but you guess you can’t be surprised that he looked different from how you imagined when you didn’t even know his name. You rattle off your own appearance, though not quite so awkwardly. When you’re finished, you wonder what he imagines with the description you gave. What does he think, you wonder. Do I sound nice?

Taehyung, on the other hand, realizes instantly who you are. You’re the girl that was falling asleep during the first meeting. He remembers watching your head lolling back and forth during the icebreaker and trying to contain his laughter when the camp leader shouted loud enough to wake you. He remembers your boisterous laughter at the third weekly meeting when someone thought it would be funny to round up 5 squirrels and release them into the conference room to watch the mayhem unfold. If he’s being honest, he’s actually more excited with the connection he’s made now. He’s glad it’s you. It makes sense.

“Well, I guess this will make tomorrow’s meeting a little more fun, right?”

“Huh,” he snaps out of deep thought. “Why?”

“Because now we can talk to each other in person.” Your voice is brimming with excitement and it’s easy to hear even through the half mile of distance and the static-y connection. “I’ll be able to find you now.”

“Yeah,” his voice trails off guiltily but you don’t catch onto it because you’re busy smoothing out your sheets.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Taehyung,” you bid him goodnight with extra giddy emphasis on his name now that you can actually use it. It’s cute and should probably bring a smile to his face, but as he turns off the device, he can only purse his lips in frustration.

The sounds of sheets rustling remind him of his brother’s presence and he lets out a sigh, waiting for the lecture that’s about to come.

“So,” Minho begins slowly, “How come the person you described was cousin Jin when she asked you what you looked like?”

“In my defense, I...”

“In your defense, what? I’m really curious about what your explanation is.”

“I didn’t want her to be disappointed. And no one’s ever been disappointed by Jin’s looks, so when I got nervous I just gave her his greatest hits.”

“I heard. The foundation thing was a little much.”

“Yeah,” he sighs.

“Why do you think she would be disappointed?”

“I don’t know. I guess if for some reason the appearance stuff was important to her, I thought it made sense not to leave things to chance. In case that would mess things up.”

“But what if, to her, lying is even worse than having an ‘ugly’ friend,” Minho asks with air quotes included.

“Then...I fucked up big time.” Taehyung holds his head in his hands for a few minutes before eventually looking up helplessly. “But I didn’t do it to spite her or anything.”

“Did you really just do it because you thought she would be disappointed? She doesn’t sound that shallow to me, and I don’t know her like you do.”

“Yes and no,” he groans and tosses himself onto the mattress. “I mean, I wanted to seem good in her eyes. Someone she might...like?”

“Someone she might like? She does like you.”

“Someone she might,” Taehyung eyes Minho softly, “want to be with.”

“Ah,” he nods sagely. “So it’s like that.”

“It’s like that.”

“Then you know what you need to do.”

“Yeah. I’ll tell her tomorrow. During the meeting.”

***

Taehyung figures that the idea of preserving his friendship with you being so important will make confessing his lie to you super easy. But when he lumbers into the meeting room the following morning at 6:30, the nerves take over. He grows silent. He stays silent when you come in looking too chipper for a normal morning meeting. And when you spend the majority of the meeting studying the face of every counselor from the boys’ side of the camp, looking for the man described to you on the phone yesterday and not finding him. And when the meeting officially adjourned and you’re standing around hoping for some sort of explanation. Silent when he eventually slips out while Minho is in the bathroom and someone has started chatting you up.

He knows that eventually he’ll have to face you—figuratively speaking. The floor will probably have a trench plowed into it from where he paces the area in front of his bunk anxiously. Sundown is soon and normally you’d be tuning in at this time to see what his plans are for the night and talk about each other’s days. But as the minutes tick by, his walkie talkie stays quiet. Minho pins him with an expectant look before mumbling something about going to go hang out in someone else’s cabin. Maybe he thought Taehyung would benefit from the privacy, but the empty space on the other side of the room just makes him more aware of how the ball is in his—and only his—court. He picks up the walkie talkie and presses the ‘talk’ button.

“You there?” When he gets no response at first, he presses again. This time, he just calls your name pleadingly. Surprisingly, you pick up.

“Is this Taehyung?”

“What? Yes, who else—”

“Or maybe this is Mr. tiny waist dorito face SPF 30. Can’t tell who’s who these days.”

He ducks his head. The smile in his voice is self-deprecating. “It’s me. Taehyung.”

“What can I help you with this evening?” Your voice is sharper than it normally is, but subtly so. He almost wants you to just yell at him instead.

“I just wanted to say sorry.”

“For friend-catfishing me?”

“Yes. For lying and for not coming clean at the meeting when I first saw you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything at the meeting,” your voice wavers a bit, traitorous in the way it shakes. “I was looking for you.”

“I know. I really was gonna tell you. You can ask Minho. But I just got scared all of the sudden. Like as soon as you saw me, you’d regret the decision to ever talk with me.”

“Tae, I wouldn’t do that. I really...I care for you. Something like that doesn’t just go away because what you pictured in your head isn’t 100% reality.”

Your words are simple, but he feels comfort from them. The grip he had on the plastic of the walkie talkie loosens significantly and he lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“I still haven’t been completely honest with you, yet.”

“What is it now. Do you even work here?”

“No, no,” he chuckles and the sound drives you to chew on your thumb. “When you asked me what I looked like that night, I described my cousin to you.”

“Yes, ok, we’ve established that you’re not really Mr. Dorito head. What else is there,Taehyung, you’re making me nervous.”

“Hear me out.” You huff but otherwise settle for tapping your foot rapidly to channel the nerves productively. “I told you that I did that because I thought you wouldn’t want to be friends with me. But that’s not the only reason.”

“Okay,” you trail off.

“I did it because I thought maybe if you thought I was handsome, it would make it easier for you to, uh, return the feelings I have for you. I...like you. In a like-like way.”

“I see.”

Now it’s your turn to stretch the pause out until Taehyung’s fisting tufts of his hair in his free hand. The walkie talkie is probably going to leave a red imprint on his face from how hard he’s pressing it to his cheek, but he doesn’t even register the discomfort.

“I really don’t like that you lied to me,” you begin. “But, since I really like-like you, you can be on probation.”

The sound of exaggerated gagging sounds from the entryway of the cabin where Minho has been eavesdropping for the last five minutes. Taehyung doesn’t even bother to chastise his older brother for getting into his business and instead lets laughter bubble passed his lips.

Not too much changed after the night you both confessed to one another. Supposedly that’s a sign that you had a good foundation for your romantic relationship. But there are little changes and they’re noticeable. Much to Minho’s chagrin.

Most notably to everyone involved, since that night, the tone of the walkie talkie conversations shifted. Now your voices have become a little more hushed and Taehyung absolutely refuses to pick up the device unless he’s alone, whining until Minho leaves the cabin or is truly asleep. If the talks go on late enough, midnight moonlight lays a forlorn, whispered feel over you both and things become a competition for who can be the mushiest. The air is made of breathy laughs that bleed into sighs and unironic use of ‘No, you hang up first’. It’s all so rosy and the happiness you feel starts to stain your cheeks and smile. The other counselors notice too. A few give you meaningful looks like they’ve caught on. Moe, especially, looks proud to see that the dour cloud that was hovering over you has dissipated some. Others don’t quite have it right. They ask you if you’ve been sneaking weed into the camp. You don’t give up your secret for either of them. Mainly because you could face disciplinary action, but also because you don’t want the next time there’s a meeting to be turned into a spectacle. It’s not lost on you that you still don’t know what Taehyung looks like. But you were being sincere when you said that you didn’t need that to care for him.

Still, the curiosity wears on the edges of your consciousness every now and then. You can’t quite ignore the idea that you guys are sort of dating—that you may have a boyfriend at the end of this summer—and you still can’t tell when you’re in a room with him. Despite this, you feel a visceral attraction to him growing from what was a gentle simmer to a boil the longer you exchange pillow talk with him. At the right moments of the night, your hands itch to feel the solid weight of him, of any part of him. To have something other than the intangible rasp of his voice when he spills his feelings to you over the walkie talkie.

***

The Sunday night before the last week of camp finds you, of course, on the walkie talkie. Unlike all the previous conversations, there’s a bittersweetness that you’re trying to swallow down. You’ll both be busy with preparations for the end of the summer festival where both sides of the camp meet—this year on the girls’ side of the lake—to celebrate a summer well spent. This means you won’t have the time or the energy to talk to one another before the big day. If it wasn’t for the fact that you still hadn’t met up properly, you wouldn’t be bemoaning the brief absence so much. But with the end of the camp session rapidly approaching, questions linger in the air. It’s not clear what happens to what you have with Taehyung once you’re not close enough to use walkie talkies to talk with one another every night. So you cherish every minute you get with the man, even if its just his voice.

“I wish we could just keep talking forever,” you whine half into your pillow, half into the balmy night air. You’re trying your best to combat the heat with your sheets kicked down to your ankles and your lightest sleep clothes on. The tone you use is one you might normally be a little ashamed of, but you’re feeling extra needy.

“I wish we could have worked on the same side of the lake,” Taehyung counters after a quick glance toward Minho’s bed. Still unmade and empty because the man in question went to go smoke on the dock. “This whole separating the camp for the kids’ sake is dumb sometimes.”

“Yeah. I wish I could’ve seen you teaching songs to the kids on the guitar.”

“I wish I could see your face while you listen to the songs I rec’d you.”

“And I wish I could see your paintings.” Taehyung turns back to see the canvas he’d filled yesterday with paint swatches, trying to remember the exact hue of your skin from the first meeting in which he knew you were you.

“I wish we could just see each other.”

“Me too.”

“And touch each other.”

Your mouth drops open wide. He’s been flirty in his own way, but never so outright.

“Oh my god, Taehyung, are you drunk?”

“I don’t drink,” he replies simply. Your cheeks feel too warm and you have to pat you face to give yourself a semblance of control.

It’s not that you haven’t entertained the idea of being intimate with Taehyung, but it was a bit difficult when you still couldn’t match a face to his name. Perhaps that was just a ‘you’-issue, but it frustrates you and, until now, kept you from getting very far with your fantasies. But with his voice in your ear that night, you think maybe you could get there. Already your skin is taking on a feverish heat, sweat starting to prick certain areas.

“What would you do if we could. H-how would you start?”

He palms himself deftly over his shorts and lets his eyes fall shut in indulgence. “Are you in bed?”

“Yes.” Your breath is bated. A hand trails down the top you’re wearing to lift the hem up, exposing the dewy skin of your torso. You pick at the elastic waistband playfully, eager to hear what Taehyung’s plans are for you.

“What are you wearing?”

It’s a benign question, but it still speeds up your heartbeat. His voice is somehow silken in its depth while tugging raggedly at something inside you.

“Um. I’m wearing a camisole and some shorts.”

He hums appreciatively. “Well, first, I’d take off your top. I’d pull the straps off and push the rest down slowly. I’d kiss your neck and your skin all over. Until I get to your breasts.”

Your fingers slide under your shorts to find the crotch of your panties. A growing wet spot greets the searching pads of your fingers. “And then what?”

“Easy, easy.” He smirks. “I’d take my time on you. I bet they’d feel so nice in my hands. Probably soft and warm. I’d put my mouth on them, lick them, suck on them. I’d pinch your nipples until they’re hard and you’re moaning.” Sure enough, a moan floats up through the speaker on Taehyung’s end. “Then I’d kiss your stomach and your hips and then I’d get your shorts off. Are you wearing panties?”

“I am, yeah.”

“Shame,” he pouts. “I’d take those off too. I’d kiss your thighs and then I’d kneel between your legs and I’d taste you. Get you all over my tongue.” His erection throbs with the image and he has to squeeze himself at the base to keep his cool. With his words momentarily halted, you jump in.

“All that sounds nice, but I think I’d like you under me more.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I want you on your back on the bed and I want you naked. And then I want to sit on your face. I wanna grind on your mouth for a bit and then I want to get you in my mouth too.” His breath hitches sharply in your ear. From the sound of it, he’s stroking himself slowly and leaning on and off the ‘talk’ button. “I want to feel you in my throat. I want to gag around you while I stroke you.”

Taehyung’s whines are high as he fights the urge to fuck into his hand quickly and chase the high he feels pulsing under his skin. “Are you—ngh—are you touching yourself?”

“Yes, but I wish it was you. I’ve got my fingers inside, but it’s not enough when I could have you do it. I want you to stretch me out. I wanna ride you after. I’m gonna ride you one day for real.”

“Can’t wait for that day,” he sighs, tossing his head back.

Taehyung spits into his hand to aid the glide. His hand moves quickly over his length, under the fabric of his bottoms. The slick sounds show up in the background noise of your cabin, egging you on. You bring your fingers to the apex of your lips and ghost them over your swollen clit. The first touch has so much anticipation behind it and has your back bowing off the mattress. Like a feedback loop, your moans set Taehyung’s hand in action and trigger his groans, which bring trickle after trickle of arousal down to wet your hand.

“I bet you’d feel so good. You sound so wet, god. You’d probably squeeze my dick so tight and good.”

“What would you do,” you gasp into the little radio, rolling a nipple under your satiny top. “Tell me what you’d do while I sit on your face.”

“I’d fuck you with my t-tongue. And I’d give some attention to your ass. It would probably look so good from where you’d be sitting. Bouncing on me while I fuck your mouth.”

“Fuck, Tae. I want you so bad.”

“I know,” he hisses through gritted teeth. “Add another finger for me and play with your clit with your other hand. I want to hear you come. Be loud for me.”

“I’m so close. I’m—”

As soon as you heed his instructions and add another finger, you’re able to re-angle your hand and hit a sensitive spot along your walls. The sudden onslaught of pleasure makes your volume increase by double. Taehyung’s erection jumps at the sound of your orgasm.

“Did you come?”

Your heaving breaths through the speaker are answer enough. He soldiers through, trying to catch up to you. So you help him along.

“If I were with you, I’d hold your dick right on my tongue so I can taste all of it when you come. Or maybe you want to come inside me. To fill me up and get me all sticky?”

“Fuck,” he grunts one, twice and then his mouth drops open as he spurts over his hand. The thick white of his orgasm leaks through the gaps of his fingers to make a mess. His body tenses with a few of the aftershocks before he flops bonelessly into his pillow. “I can’t feel my toes.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to walk for a while either.”

Taehyung pouts up at the top bunk. “If we were on the same side of the lake, we could have just done this in the same bed. Then at least we’d be immobile together.”

“How romantic.”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with taking a lazy day off.”

“Maybe not normally. But with the festival coming up, I don’t think we really have that choice.”

“That’s true.”

“But,” the smile is audible in your voice, coy in its sing-song tone. “The next meeting is coming up soon. And we can maybe see each other there.”

“Yeah, we can.” Sleepiness makes his eyelids heavy, but he fights it as best we can. “I wanna see you so bad. Wanna hold you.”

“We can be really brave and hug in the parking lot outside the admin building.”

“I’d swim across the lake if it meant that was the fastest way to see you.”

“Aww. You’re such a sap when you come.”

“Only for you,” he mumbles. His cheek presses into his pillow as he loses his battle against sleep.

By the time Wednesday rolls around, you’ve been swamped with preparations for the festival. When you’re not busy avoiding paper cuts while designing decorations for the mess hall, you’re fighting off campers who want you to spoil the movie that the boys have chosen for the group as a whole to watch together. You go to bed at night without word from Taehyung, but you’re too tired and too familiar with the work he’s most likely doing to feel upset about it.

You’re so busy and your mind is so full that you don’t even realize that you should be looking for Taehyung when you go to sit down in the conference room. It’s only when you’re zoning out while the camp leader gets progress reports from the boys’ side that you realize you haven’t heard his voice in several days and you’re still not hearing it during the meeting. So you tap your fingers and wait for the meeting to adjourn. And as soon as it does, you make a beeline for Minho. Despite never having spoken with him directly, you’ve heard enough about him in and out of meetings to know what he looks like. Though, even if you hadn’t heard anything from your fellow counselors, you’d heard enough about him from Taehyung. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear similarities in the way that he and Taehyung talk. You suppose that’s what happens with siblings.

“Hi,” you greet him when there’s a lull in the conversation between him and some older counselor from the boys’ side.

“Hi, yourself.” Minho’s eyes widen as he registers your voice. It’s the only part of you he has direct experience with, but he has quite a lot of experience with it. He takes in your appearance with a grin, happy to finally meet the person who’s ensnared his baby brother’s affections.

“We’ve never met before, but my name is—”

“I know who you are. I hear Taehyung talk on the phone with you every night.”

“E-every night? Like even Sunday night?”

“Uhh,” his eyebrows raise at the sudden question. “No, actually. Not Sunday night. I was staying at someone else’s cabin. Why?”

“No reason. Listen, I just wanted to ask you if you knew where Tae was. I was planning on finally meeting with him face to face, but that...didn’t happen. And there’s not much time left.”

“I mean, there’s always after the summer. You both live in the city.”

You give him a non-committal noise that he doesn’t really like the sound of, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s not about to butt into his brother’s relationship just because he’s older. Even if it seems like you’re maybe not on the same page about what happens after camp ends.

“Well, he’s not pulling another fast one on you if that’s what you’re worried about. He told me not to tell you, but he got sick off bonfire weenies last night. So he’s probably still at home shitting his pants while he makes banners for the festival.”

“Thanks for that.” You blink away the image Minho’s words bring up and focus on the task at hand. “So I guess I probably won’t see him until the actual day of, then.”

“Probably. Since he’s covering the old art director’s tasks in addition to the musical stuff, he’s pretty swamped and this hot dog thing might set him back a bit. He definitely wants to see you, though.”

Minho tries his best again not to overstep and reveal too much. Not about the rampant diarrhea, but about the way Taehyung’s been scribbling frantically in notebooks for tasks that weren’t assigned to him for the fest. Nor does he tell you about the 3 a.m. guitar sessions. Or the tender way he sees Taehyung pick up the walkie talkie sometimes, holding it in his hand as thoughtfully as someone can when running on 5 hours of sleep.

                                                    (Festival Day)

“Come on, we’re gonna miss the concert!”

A camper pulls you by the wrist from the small station where face painting was being held to the center of the makeshift festival grounds where a stage has been set up.

People have been pulling you around since the wee hours of the morning. By now you’re used to just letting your body follow the person pulling you, but the slight twinge in your wrist is starting to worry you. You replace your wrist with your hand and the camper merely pulls you along harder. There’s already a large amount of campers and counselors from both sides of the lake surrounding the stage where some performances are about to take place. Somehow the 11-year-old holding your hand manages to weave you both through the bodies until you’re only a few feet from the platform.

After a juggling act done by two of your favorite campers, a lovely comedy routine where Moe roasted her ex-husband Cref, and a trio of high school yo-yo experts, the prep for the final performance begins. Apparently, Camp Lonely Heart had an anthem that all the campers learned in their music periods so they could all sing together during the final days of the summer. Since you were never present for the music sessions, you didn’t really know there was a song. Luckily for you, Jade gave you a sheet with the lyrics printed on them earlier that morning. You didn’t have any time to memorize them, but you got a good look and they seemed like pretty typical camp lyrics.

You spot Minho making his way to the front of the stage easily. He’s got a small glittery sign that says “That’s my little brother” and a few of the guys around him snicker when he waves it at the counselor and camper on stage. The words on the sign are slow to register with you, so it takes a moment for you to put two and two together to get Taehyung. But you do. And when you do, all you can hear is your own blood rushing in your ears and all you can see is him.

He’s seated with a guitar resting casually in his lap. His hair is long. Longer than you imagined it would be. It’s also lighter than you thought it would be based solely off Minho’s own dark chestnut locks. He’s handsome, though. With the honeyed skin and the large, expressive eyes behind vintage frames to offset the manly geometry of his other features. The young boy next to him on stage must say something nice or cute, because his whole face lights up. You marvel at the boxy shape of his mouth while he laughs.

In the background noise, you hear the camper, Jungkook, make a little speech about this summer and camaraderie and how long it took for him and Taehyung to prepare this original arrangement of the Camp Lonely Heart anthem you’re about to hear. But it all sort of washes in one ear and out the other. Instead you’re watching Taehyung bounce his foot with pre-show nerves and smile occasionally at what the other counselor says. Then he’s being handed the mic and he’s looking out into the audience. You lock eyes after a few beats, and he holds your gaze like he’s trying to see if you know who you’re looking at. Maybe it’s your awestruck expression. Or maybe it’s the stupid smile on your face when his voice comes through the mic and you’re hearing the voice you’ve grown to love pour through something other than shitty walkie talkie speakers. But either way, his back becomes a little straighter while he greets the crowd and tells them he hopes they like the song.

Everything after that is kind of a blur. You don’t sing along and instead watch Taehyung sing back up to Jungkook’s pretty tenor stylings. Minho was screaming when the song ended and threw some snipped sunflowers wrapped in cellophane onto the stage at Taehyung and Jungkook’s feet. In that chaotic moment of applause, you slip out the crowd after making sure Taehyung’s eyes are on you. The path you make is clear: a beeline straight behind the cabins on the trail that leads through the small foothills. With the festival going on and all the campers in one place, counselor supervision has to be tight. No campers allowed past these parts.

After giving him a few minutes to catch up, you can hear his footsteps are close behind you. The trek is short and you come up to step past the gates that open into the camp’s lavender field. It’s been a while since you last visited it, but the smell is just as fragrant and lovely as it was the first time. Your heart rate slows down slightly. Anticipation makes everything in you coil taut, full of sharp and tiny vibrations. You feel giddy. When his footsteps thud softly and finally behind you, you release your breath and turn around.

“It’s you.”

“Me,” he confirms with his palms open like an offering. An offering that you take immediately.

Your launch yourself into his open arms and he huffs as he takes the impact. The hug is tight like you’re worried he’ll turn into mist if you’re not careful. His arms are sturdy around you and he pulls you in even tighter so he can get closer. He runs the tip of his nose along your temple, revelling in the way the summer sun mingles with the scent of your soap and you. It’s a small detail but it’s exciting. Here you are, in the flesh, in all your glory. Your arms and bare legs are covered in small splatters of dried paint from the last minute changes you had to make to some of the decorations this morning. And your counselor’s t-shirt has a few rips and frays in the seams from all the wear and tear it got over the summer. The flyaways in your hair and the way you sway as you hold him are all catalogued. Even in this more life-worn state, he can’t stop looking at you.

You pull back after a long while with your heart still beating in your throat. There were so many things you planned on doing when you first met Taehyung for the first time, but now you’re overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s because, in the back of your mind, you’re worried about time. It feels very fairytale-like, the way you only managed to come face to face on a special occasion. Like a good dream that will come to an end at the beep of an alarm or a fantasy that collapses into tatters at the stroke of midnight. You try to remind yourself that you’re not in a fairytale. This is real life and you have more than midnight because you have the internet and public transportation. But is that enough? You shake the thoughts out of your head, trying to focus on the here and now because it may be all you have.

“I liked your song,” you finally say. Both his hands come up to cup your face.

“Thanks. I practiced a lot for you.”

“It paid off.”

He takes a deep breath and accepts your compliment robotically before letting his eyes flit back down to your upturned mouth. “Can I kiss you,” he sighs.

“Please.”

The kiss doesn’t actually start for quite a few moments. As soon as he has your permission, then he decides to take his time. Your eyes are nearly closed and he admires the pretty shadow your eyelashes cast on your cheeks. Impatience scratches at your nerves, but you try to go with the flow. He tilts your head in his hands like he’s calculating the best angle to kiss you from, knowing he’s driving you crazy from the little frustrated huffs you let out. Chuckling, he ghosts his lips over yours once before fully pressing forward.

As soon as your lips move together for the first time, you both let out twin sighs. Instantly, like a choreographed dance, arms and hands move in tandem to bring each other closer. You experiment with the long hair that flirts with the back of his neck before following its path and dipping your fingers beneath the collar of his shirt. He responds with large hands spreading over the small of your back, fingertips digging in before lifting and then digging in again like a game of  practicing restraint.

You press your chest to his in an effort to get closer to him and unwittingly tease him with the promise of more unexplored softness under your clothes. He opens your mouth up with his own and nudges a subtle rhythm against your tongue. You moan and he mirrors the sound earnestly.

“I don’t think we can make it to the cabins,” he mumbles against your mouth.

“That’s fine,” you lay both hands on his chest and enjoy the firmness you find before pushing him back towards the tall rows of lavender. “I don’t need a bed if you don’t.”

“You’re something else.” He pulls back then with a wet sound. His lips are slightly puffy and shiny from kissing you and you grapple with the urge to bite them. You lose the battle and he shivers at the feel of you nipping at him. “Fuck.”

Once he and you have stumbled far enough back amongst the fragrant bushes and you find a soft enough patch of flattened lavender, you lower yourself to your hands and knees. He scrambles to sit beside you before immediately pulling you back in. You straddle his waist and rest some of your weight on his thighs while you peel off your shirt and bra. His hands smooth over the curve of your side once the skin is exposed, noting the way you arch into his touch. With an inquiring look, your hands move to the fly of his cutoffs. He lays back and then lifts his hips, impressively with you still seated on his lap, to pull his bottoms down and off. You do the same with yours and return to your perch as fast as possible.

Taehyung’s fingers find the soaked center of your panties and you rock your hips against the heel of his palm when he wriggles a finger in experimentally. He lets out a low appreciative whistle at how wet you are. You get wetter still when he grinds up into your clit to get you to lose some of the control you’ve garnered since leading him to the field. The feeling forces you to lean your hands on his abdomen, fingers fisting in his shirt.

“I want you inside me,” your moan shudders with the rhythm of the little circles you gyrate onto his long fingers. “I wanna ride you like I promised.”

“Are you sure you’re ready? We have time until we need to go back for clean up.”

“I know, but I want you to fuck me a couple of times before that happens.”

“I don’t have a condom, though.”

“Are you clean?”

“Yeah...You?”

“Yes,” your mouth drops open when he scrubs at a particularly sensitive spot on your slick walls. “And I’m on the pill. If you want, we could...”

“If you don’t mind.”

“I want it,” you assure him.

He takes off his shirt while you massage your breasts and take in more of his body now that it’s on display. The long hair framing his face falls prettily in his eyes after the shirt displaced it. Once it’s off, he pulls your panties to the side to admire the crystalline sheen that coats your lower lips. You shoo his fingers out of the way and pull the fabric to a more ideal angle before lowering yourself onto his length. The skin of his erection is hot to the touch and parts your lips easily. Your hips move in stuttering pushes forward to bump your clit against the swollen head.

“Oh, fuck,” his hands fly up to comb through his bangs. “God, this—you’re so sexy.”

“You are too. I don’t think I can wait any longer.”

With that, you raise up just enough to grip his length and line him up with your entrance. Instantly you realize his girth is a bit of a challenge, so you’re not as quick as you’d like when you take him in. But the slick aids things and your pelvises are snuggly slotted together after a few moments and some deep breaths. Taehyung’s hand flies to the slight bulge in your lower belly, enjoying the way he seems to fill you already.

You rest your hands on his ribcage again and get your bearings. With an efficient readjustment of your weight so you can freely work your thighs, you begin bouncing on him with no pretenses. His answering moan is louder than he clearly intended because as soon as it’s out, he bites down on his tongue. It’s clear he doesn’t want to make it obvious where you are and what you’re doing, but he’s having trouble containing himself. There’s sweat already starting to prickle under the surface of his skin and his hands feel restless just minutes into your ministrations.

Taehyung settles for muttering quiet curses and gripping your rapidly circling hips with bruising force. He can barely keep up with the pace you’ve set, but he does manage. He thrusts up to meet your every downstroke, though it’s not without an obscene slapping sound. The fact that he’s so visibly affected by your movements gets you wetter every second until he almost slips out a few times. You adjust your rhythm so that’s not a problem, but your thighs are burning with the effort. Taehyung sees through hooded eyes that you’re losing steam and seizes his chance.

You’ve opted for sitting and grinding with him inside you when he starts to shift. His arms come to envelope you and keep you steady as he sits up. Then you’re suddenly on your back. You want to protest about the dirt, but the ground looked clean and dry and doesn’t make your back itch, so you let it happen. Taehyung repositions himself among your splayed legs, hitching one up to wrap around his hip. He grabs the ankle of your other leg and lifts it slowly, testing your flexibility and giving you time to tell him where your limit is. When your ankle is hovering level with his shoulder, you give him a cheeky smirk at his wide eyed expression. He punishes your silent brag by sucking a rough hickey into the skin just above your ankle before resting it on his shoulder. The very fact that he’s pretzled you like this turns him on and gives him a slight energy boost. He figures you must have stolen some of his life force with the way you rode him earlier.

“Little succubus,” he spits through gritted teeth as he begins pistoning his hips against yours.

You let out a shameless laugh that quickly devolves into a low moan with the way the new angle feels. He’s not going to last much longer if you continue to squeeze around him like you’re doing, but he’s fairly certain you’ll finish first. Certain because his hand moves down between your bodies to tweak at one of your nipples. He noticed earlier how your eyes fogged over while you played with yourself in the same way. Leaning over, he continues to thrust into you while pulling the nipple between his teeth. He rakes over it lightly and your leg tenses before falling back down with a thud. You don’t seem to notice and instead your abdomen spasms with the waves of pleasure that begin lapping at you without ebbing back. The feeling merely builds until it explodes the moment he minutely clenches his jaw and bites. It’s a small amount of pain, but it takes you by surprise and pushes you over the edge.

With your walls milking him, he follows your high soon with his own. His breaths come out in deep huffs in your ear, heavy with bass. You test your limbs and the shifting makes you aware of the come he filled you with. When he pulls out, the sensation grows and you’re moaning weakly as it leaks out. He takes his lower lip in between his teeth as he watches the evidence his orgasm drip from your puffy center. He kind of wants to push it back in with his tongue or his fingers just to watch it drip out again, but he knows you might still be sensitive. So he settles for stroking your hip bone lovingly.

Grabby hands creep into his peripheral vision. It’s you silently asking for him to come lie with you, and he does. He presses sweet kisses against your lips until you sling a leg over his hip and add tongue. His dick twitches with the promise of second round, rubbing against the soft skin of your inner thigh. Normally, he’d need more time between orgasms. But you’re kissing his neck and for some reason the smell of your sweat combined with lavender is a miraculous pairing and has the blood flowing back south. A quick glance at his wrist watch tells him that there’s still a good 45 minutes and he flashes the little screen to you. Your answering grin is the rest of the motivation he needs.

The festival day ended two days ago. Following your rendezvous, you both smoothed out your clothes and shook the grass out of them before sneaking back into the campgrounds smelling suspiciously of lavender and ‘something else’ according to Moe. You managed to somehow avoid her keen nose just like Taehyung avoided his older brother’s wiggly eyebrows.

Clean up was an absolute bitch that night, so you both went to bed without hitting each other up. And the following day was for making sure all the campers were packed up and shipped off to town or picked up by their guardians. That was somehow more exhausting even though there wasn’t any cleaning or sweaty sex involved. It was probably the giant bonfire you had and the 40s you threw back that night with your co-counselors. It was probably the most fun you had with them in a while. You were up into the wee hours recounting all the chaos from the last week and the shenanigans that resulted from having the counselors from the other side of the lake involved. No one mentions you slipping away for over an hour, and for that you’re thankful.

But the headache you wake up with the next day has you silently cursing the whole camp. You don’t need to spend a long time packing, and you’re out of your cabin in record time. Hitching a ride with one of the other early risers, you find yourself at the admin building with plenty of time to kill until you have to walk to the nearest bus stop. There’s donuts and bagels and a basic fruit plate in the conference room and you stealthily sneak some food out while the camp leader interrogates other counselors about how they felt the summer went. You even resort to filling out your evaluation form in the hallway to avoid the camp leader’s hawk-like gaze. You’re still seated on the floor, counting the dots in the pattern on the linoleum tiles, when Taehyung’s characteristic sneakers appear in front of you.

“You going home?”

It’s an awkward question, but it technically shouldn’t be. The last moments in the lavender field were spent with you skirting around his questions about where in the city you lived and what your plans for the fall were. It seemed pointless to tell him all that and act as if you were guaranteed to be able to pick things up where they left off once camp closed for the summer. With your back turned that day, you missed the way Taehyung looked at you after struggling with the feeling of not knowing you. Despite the fact that he felt deep in his soul not more than 3 hours ago that he knew you.

Couple this with the fact that you did have down time after the festival ended, but you said you were busy when you weren’t and you end up where you are now. Suddenly uncomfortable in front of the guy you’d been opening yourself up to for months because you never really got to breach the subject of what would happen when the summer ended. Now you’re realizing these are probably your last moments with what you had with him at Camp Lonely Heart.

“My bus is coming at 2,” you say eventually. He tries one last time.

“That’s hours from now. I can...I could drive you instead. I’m going into the city anyway.”

Yes, your brain wants you to say. Take me home, and then come in and stay with me. You want to utter the words, but your tongue grows heavy and clumsy. So instead you say something stupid.

“The ticket’s non-refundable.”

“Oh.” His head lowers to stare at his own shoes. “Yeah, that’s...I get that. Money, right?”

“Yeah.” You stare down at your shoes. You fight to find a redeemable moment, something lighter to end the summer on. “Hey, uh, look what I brought when I cleaned out my cabin.”

Taehyung stares down at your seated form while you fish through your little backpack for something. He’s not sure why the moment he was dreading before officially meeting you is happening now. The rejection he was hoping to avoid by remaining a nameless, faceless voice is now slowly rearing its ugly head.

“Look!” Your voice is a bit too enthusiastic to come off as 100% genuine, but the sight of the walkie talkie that started it all does make Taehyung smile despite himself.

When he pulls out a matching device from the side pocket of his messenger bag, the uncomfortable atmosphere lifts a little. Minho shows up then, keys jingling in his pocket. He calls for Taehyung and looks at you curiously.

“Are you coming with?” Before you can explain, Taehyung answers for you.

“She can’t. She’s gotta catch the bus.”

“The bus that’s going into the city? Where we’re also headed,” Minho asks with an incredulous smile that’s got none of the usual sweetness in it.

He looks at you for a better answer, one that makes more sense, but you don’t volunteer one when suddenly put on the spot. The slump in Taehyung’s shoulders betray the weak smile on his face. To Minho, the whole situation positively reeks of a similar situation his baby brother got into when he was younger and much less careful with his heart. He’s not 100% surprised at you, though. He saw this coming in the last few days when there were no calls from you and Taehyung’s eyes lost their summer shine. Minho pins you with a look of disappointment that you feel deep in your bones before he gives you a second chance.

“Tae, can you go start up the car?”

There must be something in Minho’s voice that you miss because Taehyung surprises you by only hesitating for a second before taking the keys and turning on his heel. You can feel Minho’s eyes on your face the entire time you watch Taehyung leave, but you can’t bear to face him until he’s gone.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“I don’t know,” you answer honestly. “I just panicked when he asked if I was coming, so I said no.” He sighs in what you think is understanding, eyes closing momentarily before opening again. This time, his face is slightly more patient. He thinks he knows what’s going on.

“Do you want to ride home with us? With him?” There’s something else in the question, and you see it and grab at it, even though the implications scare you.

“I think so. I want to spend more time with him before I have to go for good. We didn’t really...talk about how this would end.”

“Does it have to end?”

“I mean, you know what they say about summer flings. Plus, this all happened in a really weird environment. Who knows if all of this was only possible because we just happened to be in the right place at the right time.”

“Mm, yeah. It sounds like you guys were lucky in that regard,” he crosses his arms. “But you can take luck and build on it with actual effort and make something solid.”

You open your mouth to protest, but you can’t think of anything to actually say because he’s right. So you pick up your backpack and zip it up and gesture for him to lead the way to the car. A tiny bit of prideful approval bleeds onto his otherwise grave expression. On the way to the parking lot, your mind swirls with thoughts about the ways that this thing could fall apart. About how a summer haze made everything possible or how the distance that can’t be covered by walkie talkies will be the end of you and Taehyung. You look up to catch Taehyung’s profile as he waits for Minho in the driver’s seat. You also catch the way his face goes from a flat mask of indifference to surprise to badly concealed joy at the sight of you trudging behind his older brother. He rolls down the window while Minho makes a beeline for the back seat.

“You’re coming?”

“If that’s okay.” And you do wonder. Is this okay? Can we really do this? Can we make it?

“Y-yeah, of course,” seems to be Taehyung’s answer to all your questions, even the ones unspoken.

While you make your way to the passenger’s side, Taehyung whips his head around to stare at his brother.

“What did you say to her?”

“I’m not telling you, but just know that you may owe me for life after this.”

“Alright,” Taehyung concedes as you get in and strap in for the ride.

Thanks for reading through these collab pieces with me. Plz also go check out the pieces @polaritae wrote on the masterlist link above!!

[crazycat-88]

Male Orc Raum x Female Reader Part 1 (SFW)

Here’s my second contribution to the OkCryptid Collab, created by the amazing @thetravelerwrites.

Its the third story in my series Modern Monsters: In the City. Since its Orctober I wanted to do a story featuring an orc.

Wordcount: 2,665

Please enjoy!

You had download the monster/human dating app, OkCryptid, months ago. You’d spoken to some nice people and had gone on a few dates; The first was with a great big Minotaur, who was only interested in a fling. The second was with another human, who also wasn’t interested in anything serious. And the third and last, was with a fae, who was a total pompous ass. You had returned home from that date, very unhappy and swearing off all men for the foreseeable future.

You hadn’t however deleted the app from your phone. Despite your experience with the app so far, you still had hope that you would eventually meet someone with the same desire to be in an actual relationship.

You wake up one morning with a notification from OkCryptid, you have a match and a message from a user named Raum. Opening up the app, you see that it’s a relatively high match, and go to check his profile before reading the message.

Straight away you see that Raum is an orc, his profile picture is a picture of his face, and he’s wearing a great big grin. He’s light green in colour, with big brown eyes and brown shoulder length hair which is braided with lots of beads. His twin tusks are relatively short for an orc, decorated with a gold ring on each, and you see that he has them capped. He looks very handsome, you think to yourself.

You’re disappointed to find he doesn’t have any other pictures and reading his bio, you find it short. He claims to love children and dogs and it also says that he’s looking for someone to settle down with. Sounds like your kind of man. Checking your messages you see that he’s sent you a greeting and asks if you would like to chat. Deciding you do, you fire off a response.

You: Hi, Raum. I’d definitely like to chat! How are you this morning?

Needing to get ready for work, you leave your phone on your bed and go shower. Upon returning, you find that Raum has replied to your message.

Raum: I’m really good thanks! Happy to hear back from you… How are you today?

You: I’m okay, getting ready to go to work, so could be better haha.

Getting dressed, you hurry and grab some breakfast, before running out the door. While you don’t hate your job, it's not what you really want to do, just a means to an end. Work drags, but once your on your lunch break, you’re pleased to see another message from Raum.

Raum: Ah well… I hope you have a good day. I’ve got to get to work myself but message me tonight?

You wonder what he does for a job, but decide to wait until tonight to message him. Once you get home that evening you feel exhausted, deciding to order take-out instead of cooking something, you get out your phone to order online. That done, you open the Okcryptid app to message Raum.

You: Evening. That’s me home. Did you have a good day at work?

Waiting for his reply, you throw your head back closing your eyes, feeling like all you want to do is sleep. It’s not long before you hear you phone buzz, struggling to open your eyes, you see a message from Raum.

Raum: I did, thank you. Did you?

You: It was alright, tiring… So, what do you for work?

Raum: I work in a nursery, for three-four year old children. Tiring but really fun :-) What about you?

You spend the rest of the night chatting to Raum about your jobs, you tell him what you’d rather be doing and he encourages you to follow your heart. He tells you that he only started working with children the year before, when he got his qualifications, and before that he worked as a doorman at a bar. He says it was always his dream to work with children though, as an older brother and cousin, he would look after all the younger orcs and he found he enjoyed it so much he wanted to do it for a living.

Over the next two weeks, you and Raum send messages back and forth, chatting daily. Some days it’s just to say good morning, sending funny memes and saying goodnight, other days you chat at length, about a variety of topics. While you’re really happy he’s taking his time getting to know you, it’s got to the point where you really want to meet him. Deciding to make the first move, you send a message asking if he would like to meet up for a drink and he replies almost immediately.

Raum: I would love that! Have anywhere specific in mind?

You: I know of a great bar called The Bears Den, if that suits?

Raum: Haha! I know it too and if you don’t mind, I'd rather not meet you there... Not only am I a former employee but my two little cousins work there and we’d never get any peace…

You: Ah… fair enough, haha. Where would you recommend then?

Eventually you arrange to meet that evening at a smaller bar called The Boneyard Bar. You thought it had a bit of a strange name but if Raum recommended it, you assumed it must be good. Just to be safe, you text your best friend the name and address of the bar and she tells you to stay safe.

That evening the weather is warm and the sun is still shining, so you decide to walk to the bar. Your feeling relatively calm you think as you gaze around the streets, watching all the different types of non-humans walk by. You were expecting to feel anxious about meeting him when you first asked, but you’re actually just really excited about meeting him in person finally.

As you’re approaching the bar, you see an orc standing waiting outside, who you assume must be Raum. Turning his head your way, he spots you and grins widely waving. He looks really good you think, wearing tight black jeans and a t-shirt with a band logo, you don’t recognise. You see that he’s shorter than most orcs you’ve seen, standing at around six foot. He looks lean and fit but not as muscular as those you’ve seen down the gym. You’re happily surprised by this and return his wide grin with one of your own.

‘‘Hi, Raum,’’ you say, ‘It’s nice to meet you in person.’’

‘‘Hey, likewise,’’ he replies. You watch as he scans you head to toe and swallows thickly. ‘‘You look beautiful.’’

‘‘Thank you. You look really good too,’’ you smirk. ‘‘Shall we go in?’’

Nodding, he opens the door and holds it open for you, indicating for you to go ahead. When you enter the bar, you see that it’s quiet with only a few patrons. The atmosphere is really nice though and the bar has clearly been decorated by someone who has good taste. Serving behind the bar is a vampire, who likes he’s just walked out of the eighteenth century and a gnoll that has a rip in his ear.

The gnoll greets Raum by name and swiftly gets your order. Finding a table, you sit down and smile a Raum.

‘‘So… Come here often?’’ You say, laughing.

Laughing, he replies, ‘‘Only about once a week, they have a quiz night here every Friday, before the karaoke.’’

‘‘Do you sing?’’ You ask questionly, sipping at your drink.

‘‘Oh no, not me. I can’t sing, a few of my mates do though and they’re really good,’’ he replies. ‘‘You should come join us one night.’’

‘‘I don’t know... it sounds a bit like a boys night.’’

‘‘Not at all,’’ he exclaims, his nose scrunching up in a way you find adorable. ‘‘There's usually five of us in our group and two of those are women,’’ he adds.

‘‘Well alright then, maybe I will one night,’’ you chuckle.

You spend the evening chatting, he tells you about the children he works with and how they make it laugh. Then about his dog buster, a great big dobermann, who thinks he’s a lapdog. You tell him about your work and about the people you work with. The night goes really well and it’s undoubtedly the best date you’ve been on in a long time.

The first date soon leads into a second, where you go to the beach and then a third date where he takes you to see a theatre show. Soon you’re on the fourth date, for which he’s asked if you would like to go to the quiz night at the bar and meet his friends. You agree and tell him you’ll meet him there.

When you get to the bar, you see Raum is already sitting at a table and beside him is the gnoll you recognise as the barman you saw on your first date and another orc, this one a girl. It looks to you, like their having an intense conversation as Raum is leaning over the table, scowling at the female orc and pointing at her. Your a bit taken aback by this, as you’ve never seen Raum with a scowl on his face. Walking over to join them, Raum looks up and when he notices you, he gives you a huge grin.

Standing when you reach the table, he pulls you into a hug and kisses your cheek, one of his tusks scraping your ear slightly. Sitting on a chair beside him, he introduces you to the two at the table. The gnoll is called Kert and he explains he’s just on his break and that he’s the one who will be quizzing you all. The orc is called Britt and she introduces herself as Raum’s cousin, which surprises you as Raum never mentioned anything about meeting a family member.

You’re soon joined by the rest of the group, a friendly satyre who introduces himself as Ixi, a fully transformed werewolf who hugs you straight away, giggling and introducing herself as Emily and finally a demon with six eyes and four arms, who appears more reserved, introducing himself as Pepin. They make an interesting looking group you think to yourself.

You all make light conversation until Kert gets up and says that he has to get back to work, warning you all that the quiz will start in five minutes. Britt suddenly points to you and says that she hopes you’re good at quizzes, you make a so-so gesture and she huffs. You find the orc a bit intimidating to be honest, she’s twice the size of Raum and looks a lot tougher too.

‘‘Don’t mind her,’’ Emily laughs, ‘‘She just really likes winning and we hardly ever do. The group of gargoyles over there, pretty much always win,’’ she says, pointing over to the group in the corner. Looking to where she pointed you see a group of eight gargoyles.

‘‘I really hate those guys,’’ Britt exclaims scowling with her fist clenched. You smile seeing Pepin rolling is six eyes at her.

‘‘Isn’t there a limit to how many can be in a group?’’ You ask, you see Ixi shaking his head but it’s Raum who explains.

’’No. You can play along with any number of people, it’s really not that serious, prize is a free drink for every member in the group.’’

’’It’s time guys,’’ Emily says, sitting up straighter. You hear a hush comes over the bar and looking over to the stage you see Kert up there fiddling with the microphone.

‘‘Alright folks, hope you have your pens and paper ready because it’s time to start… First question; Which sign of the zodiac is represented by the scales?’’ He asks.

A brief discussion and then Ixi, who has control of the pen, is writing down the answer. There’s twenty questions in total, a mix of easy and difficult ones but your team has got an answer for each noted down. You even manage to answer a few of the questions, when the others get stuck. At the end, Kert goes around all the tables collecting the answer sheets.

‘‘I’m glad you joined us tonight,’’ Emily says, looking at you. ‘‘You were a big help.’’

‘‘Thanks,’’ you say, smiling as Raum half hugs you and gives you a grin.

Your team ends up losing to the gargoyles by one point, and the group groans. Britt swears and bangs her fist on the table.

‘‘Calm down,’’ Emily giggles nervously, ‘‘It’s just a game.’’

Soon the karaoke starts and Ixi is the first one up on the stage, as with most of the satyres you’ve encountered he’s really talented and holds a note well. Emily and Britt join him up on stage for the second song, and Britt surprises you with how good she is. Raum leans down to tell you that Britts’ always been gifted musically and is the lead singer of her band.

Britt and Ixi sing the next one together, some slow ballad, and Raum pulls you up to dance. As you’re swaying along to the song, you laugh as Raum leans down to nuzzle at your neck, lifting you slightly, so that your feet aren’t even on the floor. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch Pepin watching you both with a sad smile and you make a mental note to mention it to Raum later.

As the night comes to a close, Raum says he’ll walk you home. Pepin has already left but you say goodnight to the others, getting another hug from Emily. Outside it’s dark and cold, and as you shiver, Raum tucks you into his side with his arm around your shoulder.

‘‘Did you have a good night?’’ He asks.

‘‘I did, I really like your friends,’’ you say, hoping that they really liked you too. ‘‘I wasn’t expecting to meet your cousin though.’’

‘‘Oh… yeah. Sorry about that,’’ he replies, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. ‘‘I probably should've warned you about that eh?’’ You just nod and he continues, ‘‘I think she really likes you though.’’

‘‘Really?’’ you say dubiously, ‘‘She spent most of night scowling at me.’’

‘‘That’s just her resting face,’’ he chuckles. ‘‘Seriously, she likes you for sure and I think you even managed to impress her.’’

You chuckle in response, then remember the quiet demon. Looking up at Raum, you ask, ‘‘What was up with Pepin? He was really quiet and seemed sad half the night.’’

‘‘He’s always quiet, but he’s been having a difficult time recently. Him and his partner broke up a couple of weeks ago,’’ he says sadly.

‘‘Oh… that’s a shame.’’

Raum nods and squeezes you tighter to his side. ‘‘So… I was thinking… and you can say it’s too soon but I have to go home next weekend, it’s my brothers eighteenth… and I was wondering if you wanted to... come with me?’’ he says nervously, looking somewhere over your shoulder.

You consider it for a moment. It is rather soon to be meeting his family, but you really do like him and it means you’ll get to spend the whole weekend with him.

‘‘I’d like that, sure.’’ you say.

‘‘Really? You’ll come with me?’’ he says, looking at you, grinning in surprise.

‘‘Yeah, sounds like fun,’’ you smile. Reaching your front door, you turn to say goodnight. You see Raum is still looking surprised at your willingness to go away with him. ‘‘I had a really good time tonight, thanks for inviting me,’’ you say.

‘‘That’s good, I’m really glad you came and that you had a good time,’’ he smiles.

Stretching up to give him a kiss, you wish him a good night and say you’ll see him soon. He gives you a crushing hug and kisses you again. Telling you to sleep well, you watch as he turns around and heads home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, don’t forget to reblog. Likes/Comments are also appreciated. 

My Masterlist

[redrobin-detective]

Random Quirkless Pro Hero Deku facts

- Pro Hero Izuku has a lot of weaponry on him at all times but he’s personally a big fan of knives. He’s usually got at least 5 or 6 on him at all times in all different sizes. He likes them because they’re multi-use, intimidating and, in the hands of a skilled wielder (like Izuku definitely is) can end fights without permanent damage. His favorite knife is the one he stole off of Stain to Iida’s dismay but its just a really good knife okay, Tenya, nothing personal.

-  Todoroki is rescue hero working at Froppy’s agency in Nara (kind of the middle of nowhere). He doesn’t really get involved in the big villain battles unless he’s caught up in them, does no marketing for himself, rarely takes interviews, does his best to just be another hero... and yet he’s #20 in the charts. He is the highest ranked rescue hero who goes out of his way to avoid the spotlight and he doesn’t know why he’s so highly ranked. This is because he doesn’t understand the overwhelming power of THIRSTY fans.

- Izuku and Katsuki have a very special relationship. They read each other so well, are a well-oiled, scarily efficient team in battle. Outside of that, they’re disasters. Due to past experiences with ‘friendly spars’ that have gotten out of control they need a minimum of 2 babysitters pro heroes to spot them and be in a qualified facility before they go at it (which they don’t always do). Most every time they meet up they’ve got to rough house a bit to everyone’s horror. Bakugou will get loud and indignant if you call them friends but then rant for 30 minutes on why Deku is one of the best damn heroes he’s ever known. 

- Speaking of which, on an operations level Izuku and Katsuki are much better separated than partnered. Kiri much more approachable and adds a sense of balance to Bakugou which is why he’s #1 not long after Izuku leaves. Izuku/Katsuki together were terrifying but a little bit too chaotic? They egged each other on where Kiri calms Bakugou down and Izuku forced to be “in charge” (as composed to constantly competing with Bakugou) of others also makes him less reckless. They’re still a brutally efficient combo but they’ve both agreed that separation really helped them grow.

- Gran Torino went senile not long after Izuku graduated Yuuei having fulfilled his promise to both Nana and Toshi and couldn’t fight any more. Izuku took care of him the best he can and put the old hero up in a luxurious old age home, he visited once a week watching more and more of his mentor slip away. He died when Izuku was still working at Two Hero with Bakugou and it was one of his incentives for leaving the agency and forming One For All. 

- Shinsou ended up in the Hero course during their second year, but he went to 1B. Still maintained a good relationship with Izuku and the 1C gang. After graduation, he was surprised when Yaoyorozu offered him a position at her agency. He works there mainly in intelligence gathering, interrogation and general agency management. He still does field work but not nearly to the extent of other heroes.

- Shinsou and Izuku are the lowest ranked in their grade, Shinsou being in the 90s while Izuku is in the high 70s. Izuku will never let his friend forget that he, quirkless and hated by the system, is higher ranked than Shinsou. Its really because Shinsou is kind of a reclusive hero only known because he works at such a prestigious agency. If and when Shinsou decides to make an effort at his popularity it’s all over for Izuku. Until then, Izuku will lord it over him. 

- As for the 1C gang, Patrick moved back to America right after graduation. He’s doing odds and ends, still trying to figure out what he wants to do. Does frequent calls/visits to Japan to visit his high school friends. Korudo did end up working his father’s company but on his own terms, donates a lot to Izuku’s AFO foundation. Izuku probably sees Taketsu the most, she’s a quirk lawyer and works with Izuku professionally in terms of quirk advocacy and advancement. 

- Hero Names: Bakugou - Kacchan, Todoroki - stays as Shouto, Aoyoma - Lumiere, Shinsou - Hypnos

- As soon as he graduated, Izuku moved into All Might’s old apartment because he couldn’t stand to sell it. He left it almost identical only converting the back study and pretty much living out of boxes the first few years. He’s very, very slowly taking down All Might’s things and putting up his own but each change involves a lot of struggle and crying, but it feels like healing. In addition, Toshi was able to change his will before dying so Izuku inherited an insane amount of money from All Might’s estate. He couldn’t spend it all in his lifetime if he tried. He mostly keeps it away but donates a lot of it to AFO and other charities. 

- Deku is a fan favorite as far submissive ships go. In every fan pairing he’s put in (and there are some wild one out there) he is the delicate, submissive quirkless partner. When asked on it, 1A just comments “have you ever actually seen Deku??” still the trope persists. Popular fan pairings are Bakudeku, Shoudeku, Iideku and Uradeku.

- The Class has varying ways of referring to one another, most of them feel comfortable calling each other by their first names but almost all continue to call Iida by his surname (except Ochako and Izuku when he’s feeling annoyed/sappy). Izuku and Katsuki have a whole language of names within the names they call each other, all you should know is that if you hear Izuku say “Bakugou” or Katsuki “Izu-chan” you better run like hell.

- Midoriya Hisashi was officially killed halfway through Izuku’s Third Year in a villian attack at his office in America. Inko was distraught but Izuku really couldn’t bring himself to mourn a man he never knew (and was already exhausted still grieving for All Might). Inko and Izuku got a sizable payout from it, ensuring Inko will be able to live comfortably for the rest of her life. Izuku never touched the money, relying first on All Might’s money then his own when he had to. ((Most people know I’m pretty ham for DFO so let me say this, on paper “Midoriya Hisashi” was killed it’s up to you if someone else is still around) 

- While OFA doesn’t have any permanent staff, it does have heroes who frequently work there. It started this way because Izuku couldn’t get any heroes to permanently attach and kept it up once he realized the versatility it gave him. Shouto and Uravity usually do at least one or two stints a year. Pretty much all of the unattached heroes of 1A have worked with Deku multiple times (even a few attached, Ingenium surprising everyone by leaving his agency for a month to work with his old friend). Lemillion does it when his schedule allows and a few veteran heroes like Present Mic and Cementoss have done work there as well. And while Number One Kacchan hasn’t officially worked at One For All, he and Red Riot partner do enough inter-agency work that they kind of have. 

- Over the years OFA acquired the respect of many heroes but there’s still assholes who refuse to take orders from a quirkless man. Now officially Deku has no problems with those who do not wish to work with him, it’s well within their rights. However, he’ll usually slyly make it known that people have turned down offers from him or spoke against him. And suddenly those bigoted heroes find they’re getting less support from those connected to Deku (a number that grows bigger by the year). There are less team-ups, less chance of being voted for hero titles, more whispers about how a hero being quirkist in this age is so old-fashioned and not cool. The heroes are like ??? how the hell did this happen while Deku sits there and smiles, not having lifted a finger. He’s a kind man but a vindictive one for sure.

- Izuku named his foundation after All For One, the villain who terrorized Japan and ultimately killed All Might, purely out of spite. While Izuku never confronted him in this universe, he knows the villain is still out there. The AFO Foundation took a name that was once feared and turned it into something that could bring people hope. He wanted to tell all the wannabe criminals who would recognize the name that Izuku knows and he’s not afraid. Also he still considers it his duty as AM’s successor to stop him so the Foundation is two middle fingers up to AFO as a challenge. 

- Rikimaru-shishou (Izuku and later Shinsou’s martial arts teacher in TLWA) has mostly retired from teaching, only taking a few students here and there. Izuku still keeps in contact when possible, meeting up for a friendly spar when he can squeeze it in. Most of the students Daiki takes these days are kids Izuku recommends with puppy dog eyes. 

-Mirio and Izuku end up developing a pretty good relationship. It starts when Izuku tries to intern with Nighteye in his first year and it’s pretty ugly. Nighteye refuses to take him but some, not all, of the Izuku/OFA/Mirio situation comes out. Mirio is very disturbed that his mentor was grooming him to be All Might 2 and kind of separates from Sir and takes Izuku’s side. Really excited by Deku’s vision for a better hero society and they have a big/lil brother relationship. Is super okay when Izuku takes the SoP title from him, like Izuku not bothered with rankings but he knows how important it is to his bro.

- So good news first, Mirio and Tamaki are long term partners and adopt a little girl, Koharu, who has a ‘villainous’ quirk and was abandoned by her family. Mirio being on paternity leave is one of the factors that allows Izuku to take the SoP away from him. So uh bad news, Eri was never recovered during TLWA version of the Overhaul arc. Don’t ask me exact details cause I don’t know lol but Izuku wasn’t really involved and Overhaul and few of his men managed to flee Japan with Eri and haven’t been found since. Mirio and Tamaki both took the loss to heart which is why they wanted to try and pay back that mistake. They’re both great dads though.

- Due to being so outrageously busy during their first year as Pros, Bakugou forgot to maintain a regular haircut schedule so it started to grow out. Izuku and some others commented that the longer hair looked good on him. It got to the point where it was getting in the way so he ties it back in a little tail that looks like a little explosion. That, and his permanent facial scruff, make him a very attractive hero but his personality still leaves a lot to be desired.

[imagine-organization-xiii]

Hey!! Can I get the org as youtubers?? Love your writing!!

Xemnas

Internet cryptid. Rarely shows his face. Uploading schedule is random and everyone is always surprised and excited when he decides to post a new video.

Everyone flocks to his channel for his voice. Most of his videos are of him reciting poetry or short stories. Has the perfect voice that makes you feel as though you’re listening to an audiobook. That being said, he goes pretty far into the ASMR thing, usually with his low voice reading to you, but everyone loves it so he doesn’t really want to change.

Doesn’t go to conventions or events, partly because he wants to keep the mystery of his appearance alive and partly because he doesn’t like meeting people.

Xigbar

Literally posts whatever the hell he wants, maybe once or twice a week depending on how busy he is. His channel is very Jenna Marbles-esque in the sense that he goes off the rails all the time. He’ll video himself trying a new workout routine, attempting and failing to cook a meal, going to a gun range another day, getting Xion to paint his nails in another video, telling stories about why he wears an eye patch that get more and more ridiculous as he goes on, etc.

Chill with fans. He’s super casual and actually likes meeting fans. Will be cool with you if you’re cool with him and don’t treat him as some big celebrity. He’s just a random guy who makes a few videos on the internet and that’s how he wants everyone to see him.

Xaldin

A workout channel, of course! Does a series of different types of workout routines that are good for different people with different body types and different levels of energy. A very body positive channel! Also has a series on different types of diets and the positives and negatives of each - more in regards to living healthier lifestyles than losing weight.

Went viral during a collab with Lexaeus about healthy food and organic versus non-organic fruits and veggies.

Will definitely talk to fans if they meet on the street or by chance, but doesn’t really go to conventions. He does videos because he finds it fun, not because he wants to be famous.

Vexen

Has a Bill Nye the Science Guy type of channel where he teaches people about the wonders of science and how science can answer nearly every question you might have about the universe. Did a whole, scathing series about climate change that went completely viral and caused quite a few stubborn conservatives to condemn his channel, but he’s fairly well-liked throughout the entirety of the scientific community.

One of those rare Youtubers that actually has a day job as a scientist for some fancy laboratory or university.

Doesn’t really like meeting fans because he doesn’t know how to talk to people, but will happily talk if someone strikes up a conversation that happens to be particularly intriguing.

Lexaeus

Honestly, this man has a cooking channel, but the actual cooking content varies. He has a whole series about cooking tips and hacks, as well as good tools to have in your kitchen. Videos concerning food range from beautiful aesthetic baking recipes for cookies and cupcakes to an Epic Meal Time level of food insanity.

His fans are intimidated when approaching him because he’s so large and intimidating, but they soon realize that he’s actually a sweetheart and is happy to answer questions and give tips to his viewers when he meets them.

Zexion

Mostly does reviews about things. The majority of them are about books, but he’ll sometimes do movies if they were book-to-movie adaptations. His reviews are fair, brilliant, and well-thought out, so he’s actually been approached by several movie studios that wanted him to review scripts before they start production.

Feels like he’s awkward around fans but they don’t think so. Gets exhausted by social interaction so he’ll talk to people, but he has to take some time alone afterward to re-charge.

Saix

Makes How To videos and educational videos. Saix’s channel is something you stumbled across when looking for tips for writing a resumé or for tips when going into a job interview.

Fairly informative in his videos, if a bit long-winded. The videos are worth the full watch, though, because he has some scathing, dry humor that you enjoy.

Did a whole series on his channel about politics - the important of voting, explaining governmental processes, explaining impeachment, giving information about various candidates, etc. This is the series that really made his channel fly up in subscribers.

Awkward with fans and doesn’t know how to interact with people fawning over him. Stopped going to events after some girl groped his ass because he felt too uncomfortable.

Axel

A travel blog! He goes all over the world - worlds - exploring the sights and local favorite spots. He gets a little extreme sometimes because he likes to try everything, whether that’s scuba diving with sharks, sky diving, riding camels through a desert, rock and mountain climbing, etc., but he likes to have the full experience.

He also does gaming, mostly group games like PUBG or Overwatch or Gary’s Mod games that he can co-op with Roxas.

Absolutely loves meeting fans. He really cares about his fans and loves making conversations with them - everyone finds him really easy to talk to, so they flock to conventions when they hear he’s going to be in attendance.

Demyx

A music channel! He writes his own music, does covers of popular songs, experiments with different instruments, does online lessons and teaches how to tune certain instruments.

He also does some travel stuff with Axel, depending on where Axel happens to go. They always have a lot of fun together so they like to collab whenever they have the chance.

Adores meeting fans and gives some really awesome hugs!  Gets super excited and flattered whenever anyone recognizes him in public.

Luxord

Does a little bit of everything. Got popular with doing unboxing videos for different types of subscription boxes. Also does a follow-me around where he goes to different sights around his hometown and explores things. Has a series of videos about classic foods and snacks from England.

Surprisingly, he first went viral for a video explaining what Brexit was and why it was important to vote.. Everyone was super impressed with the resources and information that he gave in the video.

Doesn’t mind meeting fans but doesn’t go to conventions or events. He’s usually pretty busy, so he’ll probably stop for a picture and a handshake and be on his way.

Marluxia

Marluxia’s channel is a mash of makeup tutorials and gardening tips. He has the most phenomenal garden that people love to look at and makes videos about soil pH, fertilizer and composting, and which plants go well with different types of environments and weather.

But then he also has his beauty guru side where he makes these incredible makeup tutorials that people can’t understand how he can possibly have such a steady hand when doing his contour and eyeshadow.

Viewers are a combination of 60 year old men and women looking for gardening tips and teenagers looking for makeup tips. Is fine with talking with the teenagers but will absolutely have hour-long conversations with anyone who starts talking to him about his plants.

Larxene

Self-defense, particularly for women who need to protect themselves but they could be applied to men, too. Good friends with Xaldin and has him on her channel a lot, usually when she needs a test dummy to try out new moves on. It helps her viewers to know that even though she’s small, she can still take out guys twice her size - and that her viewers can, too!

Sometimes does makeup tests with Marluxia because she can make some wicked sharp eyeliner wings.

She’s pretty cool with meeting fans as long as you’re cool with her. Do not hit on her or think you have a right to monopolize her time just because you’re a fan. You will regret it.

Roxas

Roxas is first and foremost a gaming youtuber. He loves video games and would play them all day every day if he could. Sometimes does charity livestreams on Twitch and he’s raised a lot of money for good causes!

Doesn’t really have a particular kind of game he plays - has a fondness for Nintendo, but he’ll play a little of everything. it really depends on what kind of mood he’s in at the time.

Gets really shy around meeting fans but he loves his fans to pieces! He thinks that they’re all super awesome and give great recommendations for new games he should try.

Xion

Craft videos! Xion loves arts and crafts so you can bet that she’s going to be showing you how to make different projects in an easy and fun way that doesn’t cause too much stress. She also dabbles in trying different types of painting, sculpting, sketching, nail art, etc., and makes awesome tutorials that are easy to follow.

Gets embarrassed around fans because she’s super flattered that anyone would love her videos enough to watch them consistently.

Xion gets the occasional fan that’s a little… too familiar with her, but she usually has someone with her when she goes to cons and events, so they happily act as her bodyguard.

Collabs with other Youtubers a lot, particularly Lexaeus, to everyone’s surprise. They usually do videos together when Lexaeus makes some kind of sweet dessert.

[themenof--freeridge]

Family First

Pairing: Oscar Diaz x Reader

Summary: Reader is Ruby’s older sister and returns from College to learn that Cesar has gotten involved with the Prophets. Oscar and Reader shared an unspoken attraction, but never acted on it. Reader Iis prepared to defend her brother and her family, but is it too late?

Requested?: No

Warnings: None

**Non-canon storyline**

--

Finally, Christmas break arrived and Y/N was eager to return to the warm walls of her childhood home. Her mother already called her for the morning, ensuring that she got the right arrival time for Y/N’s flight.

Now, Y/N sat in front of the boarding gate, eager to get to her family’s Christmas festivities. The airport was crowded, but she’d be damned if she let that ruin her visit.

Just as she was going to respond to Ruby’s warning message about the rooming arrangement, another message appeared. It was from Monse; the two of them had gotten close while Y/N was away, with the elder offering relationship advice and comfort during tough times. The one topic they never touched: the gang situation that was potentially poisoning her brother’s small group of close friends.

From being in an entirely different state for school, Y/N was unaware of everything that had happened since she’d left. She didn’t know that Ruby has a crush on the girl staying with her family, and she definitely didn’t know about the growing friction between the Santos and the Prophets.

She typed a sly reply to her brother and began to join the line to board her flight.

-

The moment she exited the aircraft, she let the familiar scent of the city engulf her. As she disembarked, got her luggage and turned off airplane mode on her phone, Y/N moved to the arrival area of the airport.

She heard him before she saw him. “Mana!” Ruby yelled out, already pushing through the throng of persons to embrace his sister.

There were grins all around, especially from her Abuela. Ruby took her luggage and together, they made their way back home.

-

The moment she stepped into the house, teenagers appeared from behind the couch yelling “Welcome home!”

She could easily find Monse and Jamal, but Cesar was the one who changed the most. She caught her breath when he approached her, noticing the features he shared with his older brother.

The group easily settled into the home, with snacks sharing and Ruby immediately launching into a monologue of what was happening for Olivia’s Quince.

She was already home and there was her brother, still planning a major party. It was like she never left.

As the sun began setting, Jamal, Monse and Cesar left, promising to return the next day to hear all about Y/N’s college experiences.

Y/N retreated to the room she was sharing with Olivia and began to unpack her clothes. From the kitchen area, her mother began speaking in fluent, speedy Spanish to her brother. From the speech, they were arguing about the Quince, which didn’t surprise Y/N at all.

Rather than stay there and witness the incredulous argument, Y/N opted to take a stroll outside to see if anything had changed since she’d been away.

Nearly a block away, she saw Monse and Cesar walking, hand in hand, until a car pulled up beside them. She recognized the faces of the visitors right away; Prophets roaming on the wrong streets.

Just as she sped up to them, the young Prophet member introduced a handgun to the conversation, causing her heart beat to skip. Without thinking, she rushed to Cesar’s side and pushed them away.

“What the hell are you doing here? These aren’t your streets.” Y/N stared at the Prophet, ignoring the weapon pointed at her.

“Stay out of this, bitch,” the kid responded.

Cesar took that opportunity to mention his brother taking revenge. His tone was more menacing that the words, which evidently seemed to work on the Prophets. The kid in the passenger seat scoffed and the car drove away.

“What the hell was that?” Y/N asked, glaring at Cesar. She had no idea that Cesar was involved in this whole gang thing. She’d hoped that he was smart enough to stay away. Even if he couldn’t stay away, she wanted him to get out of that town, to find safety anywhere other than to the Santos house.

The trio remained silent as they moved another block. Soon enough, Monse and Cesar turned left to head to Monse’s but Y/N remained on the path to the Diaz’ house.

It didn’t take long for her to make the familiar trek to the house that was now littered with Santos. The first sign of the house was the Latin music emanating from the over-sized stereo on the front lawn.

Although she felt the intimidating stares from the gang members from the second she stepped on the property, she refused to let it get the better of her. Setting her stern expression, she walked up the center path to the porch.

“What ya want, Ma?” one of the members asked, taking a long swig from the beer bottle clasped in his right hand.

“Spooky here?” she asked, maintaining her confident tone.

The men watched her, studying her with drunken judgement. After a short moment, another one piped up and said, “He’s round the back.”

Y/N took that information and stormed off to the back of the house. Sure enough, she saw him. He was sitting on an old lawn chair, hunched over a cooler reaching in to grab a bottle.

“Oscar,” she said, bringing his attention towards her.

The moment his gaze snapped to her, she faltered just slightly. She was always like that under his intense gaze. She was accustomed to many of his expressions, but this was the first time she saw shock cloud his face.

His mouth gaped open to form her name, but no sound came out. He let the bottle fall back into the cooler as he rose to his feet.

Finally, taking a step towards her, he found his voice. “Y/N? What you doing here?” He flashed one of those smiles that previously made her melt in High School.

Y/N took confident strides until she was standing an arm’s length away from him. Despite the fact that her heart rate rose from seeing his welcoming smile and unforgettable dimple, she remembered what brought her here, and that was more than enough to look at the Santo with severity.

With her mind set on the more pertinent issue, she stared back at his eyes and asked, “What the hell is going on with your brother and the Prophets?”

From his puzzled look, that was clearly not the response he was expecting. “What you mean?”

She recounted the experience that just happened and watched as Oscar’s face morphed from confusion to rage.

Before she could ask for clarification, Oscar asked with haste, “You didn’t get hurt, right, Mamita?”

She scoffed and ignored the question, although the term of endearment remained with her. “I just need to know if this has the potential to escalate into something much worse.”

Oscar studied her for a moment and replied, “It could, but I'll look into it and fix it. You don’t need to worry.”

Her mouth turned up in a smirk as she countered, “Just so as long as my brother and my family are left out of it.”

The twitch in his eyebrows showed that he took offense from her accusation. “You think I'll bring your family into this?”

“Of course not, but my brother is Cesar’s friend, so that automatically makes him a potential target.”

Oscar took another step towards her. Maintaining his steely gaze, he insisted, “Nothing will happen to you or your family. You have my word.”

“You better be sure about that.” She was too worked up to even entertain the idea of catching up with him. All she could think about was her brother’s safety; she didn’t even care if anything happened to her.

She turned on her heel and stormed out of the yard, not daring to look back once at her high school friend.

As she made her way back to her house, she truly wished with all her might that Oscar could take care of this problem. In that moment, she never would’ve thought that the following weekend she would be the one being charted off to the hospital after being fatally shot by that Prophet’s bullet.

--

A/N: Should I do a Part 2? Let me know what you think :)

[justalittlelitnerd]

By A Thread by Lucy Score

We weren’t touching. But it felt like the space between us was charged with something. It was acting like a defibrillator on my heart.

This book had everything I want in a romance: a sassy, non-damsel heroine and a hero with soft boi vibes (I am a complete sucker for assholes covering up soft, warm centers). 

Don’t let the office romance aspect dissuade you (it’s obviously a common, but controversial trope in romance b/c power dynamics and whatnot), this is not ~in my experience~ a conventional office romance. 

First, Ally only ends up working at Dominic’s company after he gets her fired and his mom (who’s also his boss at the magazine she also owns) makes the job offer in reparation.  

Second, in addition to the two characters being completely at odds from the first meeting (he got her fired after all), Dominic is staunchly against an office romance not only because of his own values and awareness of power dynamics but because of his father’s history of sexual harrassment and assault. When they eventually fall into bed together (because duh this is a romance) he immediately offers to quit his job so the power dynamics of the office wouldn’t be an issue. 

That being said Dominic is an overbearing, and at times straight up controlling, son of a bitch (sorry as Ally would say his mother is lovely) and it made me want to throat punch him sometimes, but at the same time so did Ally’s stubbornness and pride. 

Score has a talent though for balance because any time Dominic started to get out of control, Ally wouldn’t hesitate to go head to head with him and speak her mind and the honesty and directness was refreshing. 

The ending felt a little bit rushed because clearly Dominic was trying (although in ways that were grossly overbearing and were exactly what Ally didn’t want him to do) and she made it clear that she couldn’t forgive him and I wanted more of a conversation or thought process to why she finally did aside from “that’s what love is.” 

This book was fun and funny and sarcastic and their banter made the story flow and is definitely the main reason I would consider rereading this romance.

Keep reading for some top notch quotes!

It wasn’t out of the kindness of my heart. I had neither kindness nor a heart. I considered it atonement for being an asshole.

Clearly, she wasn’t intimidated by an asshole in Hugo Boss with a haircut that cost more than her entire outfit. I basked in her disdain. It was miles more comfortable for me than the terrified glances and “Right away, Mr. Russo”s I got in the hallways at work.

It had been too long since I’d squashed a disrespectful underling. I itched to do it now. She looked not only like she could take it but that she might even enjoy it.

“Fine. But if she poisons me, I’ll sue her and her entire family. Her great-grandchildren will feel my wrath.” My mother sighed theatrically. “Who hurt you, darling?” It was a joke. But we both knew the answer wasn’t funny.

I knew he felt it, too. That unexpected jolt. Like taking a shot of whiskey or sticking a finger in a light socket. Maybe both at the same time. For one moment of pure insanity, I wondered if he intended to take me over his knee and if I’d let him.

I’d assumed they’d all get used to me. Apparently I’d assumed incorrectly. I was the beast to my mother’s beauty. The monster to the heroine. When they looked at me, they saw my father.

Her tone was steely and anger all but crackled off her. I hoped she got the guy’s balls in the divorce.

“You know, you’d be a lot prettier if you smiled once in a while,” she mused, fluttering her lashes. No wonder women hated it when men said that.

It was fucking cold. February was right around the corner, and if there was anything colder and damper than January in New York, it was fucking February. Of course, fashion didn’t heed below-freezing temperatures. No. Fashion made its own rules outside of time and space and temperature.

I, on the other hand, didn’t trust myself to survive even basic contact. Ally was only safe, my soul was only safe, as long as I didn’t touch her.

He was looming over me, but rather than threatening, it felt intimate, careful, almost safe. Like I wanted to be exactly here with exactly him.

Tell me the top five things you hate STAT. (This is the secret to finding out just how bad a person is in case you need it for interviewing future wives or human sacrifices.)

Somewhere along the line, she’d started talking to me like we were friends. As if that moment of honesty in the bar, those emails exchanged, had somehow made us friendly. And while I craved her next confession, I also couldn’t handle the intimacy. I was ripped down the middle. Torn between wanting to know everything there was to know about this woman and wanting to forget she existed.

I hated it when she walked away from me. It always felt like she took the light and heat with her. I added that to my Hate List.

Those blue eyes weren’t cold now. There was a victorious fire burning in them. And I was acutely aware that I was in immediate danger.

My heart was trying to blast its way out of my chest. I didn’t know where the organ had gotten actual sticks of dynamite, but that’s what was happening. My insides had turned to lava… or magma, whichever metaphor was most appropriate.

“Lots of people dance for money. Prima ballerinas, Jane Fonda, Laker Girls, back-up dancers, Rockettes. All women who make money by moving their bodies. There’s nothing remotely shameful about it,” Faith insisted. “You aren’t doing anything wrong. And anyone who tells you that you are is—” “Part of the patriarchy.”

I hoped to God security was up to the challenge tonight. Because if anyone laid a hand on her, one single finger on her, I was going to lose my shit.

I wondered if I was leaving a trail of body glitter behind me like I was a Questionable Life Choices Tinkerbell.

If mystery bothered him so much, this son of a bitch—wait, no. His mother was a lovely human being. This alphahole was going to suffer. I’d make sure of it.

I wanted to believe in my bones that he was doing this as some stupid mind game, that he got off on playing puppet master with my life. But deep down, I was worried that it was something much, much worse. Dominic Russo was trying to take care of me.

I was so pathetically happy that she was speaking to me in multisyllabic words I would have let her slap me across the face with the folder.

I walked back into the room feeling like Cinder-freaking-rella. If Cinderella’s fairy godmother had given her a sexy, skin-hugging gown the color of crimson or, as I liked to think of it, Dominic Russo’s crushed heart.

Everyone was hitting the open bar like it was last call, and those little appetizers were doing nothing to soak up the liquor. It was entertaining, but I had a feeling this is how bad things happened at office Christmas parties. Inhibitions lowered, tongues loosened, and shit went down.

Oh, boy. I’d heard rumors of Drunk Dominic. But they hadn’t prepared me for the reality of him. He was adorable… and in no way capable of functioning as creative director right now. I needed to get him home.

Damn it. My shattered broken heart was trying to knit itself back together just so it could fall for him all over again.

I hooked my pinky around his and tried not to fall in love with the idiot when he pressed his lips to our joined fingers.

Nights like these changed lives and were retold as stories for years to come. But I didn’t know what my story would be. Would it be the time the up-and-coming designer made me temporarily semi-famous? Or would it be the night I finally realized my heart belonged to a man I was never going to be with?

Tacos and home renovation supplies with an entrepreneur, a male exotic dancer, and a drag queen on her day off. Just another glamorous day in the life.

I spent the rest of the day on the couch, which delighted Brownie. We watched the entire first season of The Great British Baking Show and then three episodes of Queer Eye. I was inspired to order and to eat an entire sponge cake from the bakery three blocks over and pondered growing a beard. Then I pondered what Ally thought about beards. And the shame spiral began again.

“I’m not hiding this,” Dom said quietly. “I don’t think I could even if you asked me.” Okay, coming from Dominic Russo, maybe that was kind of a swoony thing to say. It wasn’t a declaration of love, but it was real. These feelings felt real.

“I don’t need to be saved.” Dalessandra and I blinked at each other as the words came out of both our mouths in unison.

I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to take her worries and concerns and problems and solve every last one of them so she could focus all of her attention on me. And Brownie of course. I wasn’t a completely selfish monster.

I didn’t want her drawing lines when I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to redraw them properly. She would live here. She would have anything and everything she needed. No one would ever take advantage of her or lay a hand on her ever again. End of fucking story. I was her Prince Fucking Charming.

“Dom, of course people are going to talk. Trying to avoid being a topic of conversation is a pretty lame way to live life. Sometimes, accepting the discomfort is how good things are earned.”

It was disconcerting to wake up one day and find myself… well. Here. Making plans for two instead of one. Looking forward to sharing things like beds and weekends and closet space. I’d dated before. But I’d never gotten this deep, this fast. I’d never made space in my home for a woman before. Change was happening, and I didn’t know how I felt about it.

Ally didn’t bitch-slap, but Faith did it like it was an Olympic sport and she was a gold medalist.

“Everyone has baggage, Russo. Most of us are just smart enough not to hurl full-sized suitcases at the people we love.”

But sometimes an inch might as well be a mile. And I didn’t know how to cross it. I didn’t know how to ask him for what I needed. Because I didn’t know what I needed.

[mama-m1na]

Apocalypse: Chapter 8

~~~VIII~~~

When the time actually came for the group to start their operation Rhamina was correct in assuming that it was another 'Distract and Attack' mission.

Kiran had somehow arranged for them to perform at the casino that night and even got other members of Yukitara's group to accompany them as a jazz ensemble.

The other three members of Apocalypse would be acting as the group's bodyguards, but when they began performing they would be searching for members of the gang they would be confronting.

"God, this outfit is the shit!" the ravenette chirped as she took a look at herself in the mirror, "I still want to know how Hana got my sizes though."

The outfit consisted of a cropped purple halter top with pleated layers at the front, a matching skirt that had a high slit up the left side which allowed for free movement despite the skirt reaching the floor.

Some of her back and stomach were showing, but the teen still looked pretty classy with her hair down to hide the skin of her back and the jewelry she never took off.

When the time came for them to head off, they rode with Kiran and the rest of their allies in a white limo: which was slightly difficult for Cloud with his buster sword, but he managed.

"Alright," Kiran said as he passed out folders to the three other Apocalypse members, "This is who we believe is going to be showing up tonight, but what you really need to know is their crest. If they have that, then they're fair game."

"Damn, Kiran, this is really fucking detailed," Sierra commented as she looked through the various profiles, "Did you make these yourself?"

Rhamina raised a brow before looking over Kerstin's shoulder to see that the brunette was right, but what caught her eyes was a certain set of information that seemed way too hard to get unless one had followed the targets for a long time.

"Kiran, what exactly have you been up to in the past five years that I haven't seen you?" she asked as she looked up to the older male, "'Cause this seems like the kind of information a professional stalker would sell on the deep web."

Her last statement caused the other members that Kiran brought to bust out laughing as the said male nervously scratched the back of his neck.

"What's so funny?" the eighteen-year-old asked, tilting her head to the side in confusion.

"It's because you made a very specific, but accurate guess," the Korean chuckled, "I've been working as an information broker on the dark web up until I joined this group."

"Aight," the ravenette shrugged as she leaned back into her seat and pulled out her phone to continue reading.

"That's it?"

"I mean, what do you want me to say?" she asked, looking back at her friend, "I've been working in the red light district since I was, thirteen-ish? I have no room to judge you for that shit."

"You've been working in that kind of place since you were thirteen?" one of the other Asian men asked with a raised brow.

"Yep! Went from serving drinks to beating people up for money," the teen explained with a bright smile on her face.

"Fuck yeah, that's one hell of an upgrade!" another one of the men laughed as he reached over to give the girl a high five.

Cloud stayed to himself as the others conversed as he absorbed the information he had just received.

He knew that Rhamina had been working in the red light district since before she met him, but he just couldn't imagine a younger version of the female doing it; especially, not after seeing the child version of the eighteen-year-old.

However, he also knew that she had to have learned her terrifying skills from somewhere; her fighting, her knowledge on the human psychology, and everything else she knew had to have come from some kind of experience.

When they arrived at the casino, the musicians began unloading their instruments as they were greeted by one of the casino employees.

As they were being led inside, Cloud couldn't help but notice how excited the ravenette looked, small clicking noises coming from her every now and then.

"She has a thing for gambling," Sierra explained as they passed the poker tables, the older female's eyes immediately lighting up.

"Don't ever play a serious game with her," Kerstin warned as she leaned in closer to the male, "She's a fucking sadist when it comes to games like that."

Once the group had made it to where they were set to perform, Rhamina turned to her friends and said, "Y'all can go ahead and get started for now, but just be as discreet as you can."

Walking around the casino, Kerstin and Sierra couldn't help but feel a little intimidated and excited while Cloud stayed indifferent.

Many of the members of Apocalypse lived in the middle or lower class of society, so they had never even stepped foot in such an extravagant place like the casino in North City when the world was still functioning.

"Man, Mina was lucky," Kerstin muttered as they passed another restaurant filled with nicely dressed people, "She used to perform in places like this all the time."

Upon seeing Cloud's brows to raise in confusion, Sierra explained what the seventeen-year-old was referring to while they continued walking through the marble halls.

"Professional fan dancers were a very popular form of live entertainment for the rich, so a lot of the time, Mina would be pulled out of school to perform in places like this," the brunette said, "Still made her nervous every time though... Her parents held her to very high standards."

Meanwhile, the ravenette was helping the group set up their electronics and going over the set order and list for the night.

While she was feeling confident in her skills and magic, the teen couldn't help but let her anxiety linger for a bit as she could remember the judgmental stares of her family.

'Shut the fuck up, Mina, you're a boss ass bitch who's doing this for a mission,' she thought to herself as she drank from a water bottle provided to them by the casino staff, 'The opinions of your heavily Asian family don't matter right now. You're basically a gang leader for fuck's sack!'

Despite her individual pep talk, the anxiety refused to leave, but the teen chose to ignore it in favor of looking at their venue.

They were performing in one of the ballrooms that had a stage at the front with multiple tables to the side with an open dance floor in the center.

By the time that the performance was supposed to start, the tables were full and the ravenette could see her companions standing in the back unscathed, but at the closest table to the stage she could see multiple of their targets.

As soon as the drummer finished counting off the first song, Rhamina started spreading her magic over the audience.

The song was of course a sultry jazz song that worked the female's lower range as she swayed to the beat.

It was about a soul who just wanted to have one last passionate night with their lover and as a pure romantic, the ravenette sold it completely as she took the mic and began weaving through some of the tables before returning to the stage for the end of the song.

Through the cheers and applause, the teen watched as many of their targets began to leave their table, leaving an older man alone at the table to continue watching the show.

Locking eyes with Cloud, Rhamina subtly nodded towards the leaving group before the next song started up.

The male followed her gaze and nodded back before getting the other girls to follow them out into the main casino.

As the group finished their set, the man never left, keeping his eyes glued onto the eighteen-year-old who practically ignored it until the show was over.

The group was basically surrounded by others who were telling them what a good job they did in their performance when the man approached her.

"Excuse me, Miss, but I must say that you gave a spectacular performance," he said as the female turned to face him, "You convey emotion well."

"Thank you very much, Mister," the ravenette said as she placed a hand over her heart, "The commentary means a lot."

"There is no need for formalities, you can just call me Robin," the man chuckled as he held his hand out to shake.

"Nice to meet you then, Robin," the female chirped as she took his hand with a smile, "I am called Hasu!"

Upon hearing the teen's performance name, Kiran looked over his shoulder to see the ravenette conversing with one of their targets, holding a thumbs up behind her back.

After a few minutes of talking about some random topic, Robin asked, "Hasu, do you happen to gamble?"

"That would depend on what type of game is being played," she replied with a small smirk, "What did you have in mind?"

"Just a simple game of poker, though I hope instead of gambling with money, you'd be okay with gambling favors," the male suggested, causing the female's heart to race with excitement.

"Raising the stakes are we?" the teen asked, nails digging into her wrists which she held behind her back, "I'm fine with that. That's what makes the game fun."

"So what exactly do you want from me if you win?" the ravenette asked as a casino employee led them to a private poker table.

"Your company for the rest of the night," the male replied as they took their seats, the dealer already shuffling the cards, "And you?"

"The honest answer to a few questions," Rhamina replied as she waited for her cards to be dealt to them, keeping her hands busy by playing with the poker chips.

"That's all you want from me?" Robin asked as they placed their starting bet, "Surely there must be more."

"I can't really think of anything else that I want," the female chuckled with a shrug as she checked her cards.

The game ended in about twenty minutes when the eighteen-year-old had run out of chips and lost the final game.

"Well, it looks like the goddess of luck had blessed you today," the teen sighed as she looked over to see that he had created a royal flush.

"Indeed she had," the male chuckled as they both stood to shake hands, "but I must say that was the most fun I've had in a game of poker, so I must thank you for that."

"I have to say the same," she replied with a bright smile before rolling her left shoulder back, "shall we go, then?"

"Indeed," the older male chuckled as he led the female over to an elevator that led to the attached hotel.

'Those little shits are probably fighting someone right now,' Rhamina thought as the elevator doors opened once again.

It was silent as the male led her down the empty marble hall and she knew something was up, he had lost that playful persona of his.

'That's how we're going to play?' she thought as he opened the door of a darkened hotel room to let her in.

When the lights came on, the room began to fill with a white gas and the teenager had turned around to see Robin in a gas mask.

As her body dropped to the ground, one last thought entered her head.

'Alright then... Let's play...'

About fifteen minutes later, the three other members of Apocalypse had made it to the top floor of the casino to see a very wobbly Rhamina held by two grunts as the older man held a pistol.

"Man, y'all are pretty stupid you know?" she giggled through her slurred speech, almost falling over if it weren't for the two holding onto her.

"So you're the three rats that sought us out?" Robin asked as he stepped forward, causing them to draw their weapons.

"Now, now, now, let's not do anything that might endanger the young lady," the man spoke as he cocked his gun and aimed it at the very giggly girl.

"What the fuck did you do to her?!" Kerstin growled, none of them backing down as the ravenette finally noticed her friends.

"There you guys are!" cooed the eighteen-year-old as she took a few wobbly steps forward, "You wouldn't believe how stupid these guys are, they blabbed about everything we needed!"

Before the teen could continue, the barrel of the pistol was aimed at her face causing a crazed glint to enter her eyes.

"Aw, is my chatter annoying to you?" she asked as she stepped forward so the weapon was resting right up against her forehead.

"What are you going to do? Shoot me? I honestly don't think you're motivated enough," the teen challenged as the three looked over at her in concern.

"What the fuck is she doing?" Sierra muttered as she looked to Kerstin who looked just as confused as her partners.

"I think she's finally lost it," the darkette replied as the older teen kept egging on the older male.

"Just pull the fucking trigger!"

Bang!

The three looked up in shock to see the ravenette completely fine as she held the man's wrist above her head, the gun still smoking towards the ceiling.

"Shame," the teen sighed in her normal tone of voice before she used her other freed hand to take the fun from this shocked grasp and shoot him in the leg.

"Looks like you were too slow," she continued as the two grunts just stared at her as she tossed the rope that was binding her to the side.

"How the hell did you get out?!" one of them asked before she cocked the gun once more with a closed eye smile.

"Y'all suck at tying knots," she replied before crippling them both as well, going to meet her companions who still stared at her in shock.

"Let's go, I know where Yukitara is," the ravenette spoke, ushering them out into the hall before leading them up to the roof, "Kiran should have told Hana already."

"Rhamina, what did they do to you?" Cloud asked, placing a hand on the female's shoulder as she looked to the sky for something.

"They gassed me with something that made my head go fuzzy, but that bang sobered me right up," she quickly explained before spotting a helicopter.

"That's her," Rhamina said as a ladder was lowered, "Come on we've got to go get Yukitara!"

"We're getting him now?" Kerstin asked as Sierra started climbing up the ladder despite all the wind being generated.

"Yep, if we don't, then that gives them a chance to move him," the ravenette explained, "one of them already went to report this, so up you go."

Once Kerstin was up Rhamina turned to Cloud and gestured to the ladder bet he shook his head and said, "I'll go up after you."

"Cloud, I'm wearing a dress," the eighteen-year-old deadpanned and before he could apologize, the female ushered him up, following closely behind.

"Thank you for doing this, Rhamina," Hana spoke from next to the pilot as they flew off to where her father was being held.

"Don't thank us yet," the ravenette spoke as her sibling noticed that the fifteen-year-old only thanked her, "Now we have to do the hard part."

"Not necessarily," the doll spoke as she gripped onto her parasol, " Not if I plan to tear their base to the ground."

"As you wish," Rhamina mused as she leaned back into her seat between Cloud and Sierra, "It is your turn after all."

Rhamina took the time in their flight to close her eyes and just breath.

Admittedly, all she wanted to do was just crash because being drugged wasn't fun, but she had responsibilities.

Her seatmates noticed this as they were quite tired as well, but said nothing and just took the time to rest and check their gear before arriving at a run down building where multiple people were already fighting.

As the helicopter hovered over the building Hana stepped up to the open side and her form radiated magic as she called, "Tower!"

Following her rising hand, a stone tower rose from the center of the building, ending just ten feet below the vehicle.

"Y'all stay here and take a break," Rhamina ordered as the younger girl lept down to her creation, slowly standing up, "Hana and I'll take care of the rest."

The teen then leapt down to the tower before anyone could protest and it began its quick descent into the building.

"Of course the brat is only taking Mina," Kerstin huffed as she looked to the hole left in the base of the opposing gang, "She didn't plan on taking the rest of us did she?"

"What do you mean?" the blond asked as the helicopter merely circled the building, giving them a good view of the fighting.

"Don't tell me that you haven't noticed how attached Hana is to Mina," the darkette said as she looked over to her teammate, "They go way back, but it's kind of fucking annoying."

"Yeah, but she is a force to be reckoned with, especially since Mina is the one who taught her how to use her magic," Sierra countered as she held her hammer between her legs.

"What kind of magic does she use?" Cloud asked as he looked over to the two teenagers next to him.

"She uses tarot magic or basically, she calls upon the spirits of the arcane to help do her bidding," Kerstin explained as she took out her phone.

"Have you noticed that all the people she trains end up being powerhouses?" the brunette asked from her spot.

"Really? Who did she train?" the seventeen-year-old questioned.

"Jessie."

"For real?"

"Yeah," Sierra confirmed as some bullets flew past the helicopter, "That month she spent in L.A. she was training Jessie and now he can kill a fucking dragon on his own."

Upon reaching the room where Yukitara was held, the two girls noticed two things; the man was alive, but he was being held in some sort of crystal.

"Can you take care of it?" the doll asked as the taller female stepped up to the large prism her father was suspended in.

"Of course I can," the ravenette chirped as she brought her hand up to the smooth surface with her hair floating behind her, "This isn't the worst thing I've had to consume you know."

The soft chime of a bell echoed in the room as the crystal began to melt, turning into a black liquid that crawled its way up the arm that was touching it.

Once the crystal was fully gone, Hana stepped forward to wake her father as the eighteen-year-old looked to her arm.

It looked as though the limb had been dyed black from the tips of her fingers up to her elbow, but she merely shrugged.

'I've dealt with worse,' she thought as the man caught sight of her.

"I heard you were out of commission for quite some time, Yukitara," the teen mused, placing her hand on her hip.

"Of course you would come running at the first sign of trouble," the Japanese man chuckled as he placed a large hand on his daughter's head, "Thank you for taking care of my daughter while I was away."

"Now, now. Let's not get things mixed up, I didn't do shit," the ravenette spoke before checking the time, "But we should get y'all home, it's getting late."

As the three Asians ran through the base who's owners were getting utterly destroyed they made it back to the original entry point where Hana once again summoned her tower.

"Looks like they've been having from," Rhamina hissed as she watched a shadow bird try to dive at the helicopter only for it to get shot at by Kerstin.

Upon seeing the tower, the pilot immediately flew over to allow them to board, but before Rhamina got on she pulled out one of her fans and threw it at the monster, severing one of its wings.

"Mina, what happened?" Sierra asked as they noticed her stained limb.

"I took another curse, it should be fully digested in a few houses though," the teen shrugged with a yawn.

"A curse?" Cloud questioned as the teen rested her head on his shoulder, not bothering to move upon seeing how exhausted the girl was.

"Yeah, or any magical ailments really," she muttered lazily, "My soul can break them down and consume them, and it speeds up or slows down depending on how much of my magic is being used."

With the main objective of their mission completed, the helicopter dropped the four off at the hotel before taking the two Yukitaras back to their home.

After taking the rest of the night and most of the next day to take a well deserved break, the four members of Apocalypse, both Yukitaras, and Kiran were taken to a Korean barbecue restaurant that was rented out for them that evening.

The conversation was filled with information on the group known as Scyphozoa; however, the tense subject was eventually broken by Hana.

"Rhamina, didn't you lose a game of poker to the man known as Robin?" the noirette asked before taking a sip of her tea.

"Yeah, I did, why?" the ravenette replied with a raised brow before eating some of the bulgogi she had been looking forward to the whole trip.

"I believe that you said you would dance for us if you lost a game of poker during your stay here," the fifteen-year-old smirked, causing the older female to choke on her food.

"Yeah, you did say that!" Kerstin chirped as she looked to the ravenette who was currently downing her water.

"And what do you know? There's a stage over there," Sierra added, gesturing to the large platform used for live performances.

"You want me to do that now?" Rhamina uttered with wide eyes as the brunette pulled a bluetooth speaker out of her bag.

"Okay, fuck all of you," the eighteen-year-old snapped as she took the speaker and walked up to the stage.

"How exciting, I get to see how much she's improved," mused Kiran as the female hooked up the speaker to her phone and set it to the back of the stage so she could hear it better.

Everyone put their attention on the female as she set at the center of the stage, kneeling in a bow towards the audience with the fan laid out in front of her.

Even if the girl wasn't in costume; Kiran, Hana, and Yukitara could tell that this would be a Japanese styled dance from the way she was set.

A few bars into the music the girl then sat up on her legs before flourishing the closed fan, allowing her gaze to follow the fluid motion.

As she stood up and stepped down the stage she made eye contact with her audience, making sure to keep her movements fluid and delicate.

The teen worked well to keep her movements loose and flowy so that the fan moved like a lead floating in the breeze.

She had excellent control of the fan and its extravagant movements as it blended well into her overall performance.

Even knowing close to nothing of the art form, the members of Apocalypse had to admit that the dance was stunning.

They could see each and every breath of the female took as she kept the soft smile on her face throughout the performance.

When the music ended and the female stood in her ending pose, those sitting at her table gave her a round of applause.

The ravenette then let out a sigh as she went to collect and return Sierra's speaker before saying, "There. Done. I did the thing."

"That was a wonderful performance, Hasu," the older Yukitara chuckled as she returned to their seat next to Kiran, "you should dance more often."

"Thanks, Yukitara, but I really don't have the time for when I have to make sure my kids don't die," Rhamina replied as she turned her attention back to her food.

"You did really good, Hasu," Kiran said as he patted the girl on the back, "You've come a long way since we were kids, you've a lot less tense now."

As the two got into a conversation about her performances, Cloud narrowed his eyes over at the male until a shadow stood over him.

"If you are available, I would like to speak with you outside for a moment," Hana requested in her usual flat tone.

No one paid the pair any mind as the doll led the blond right outside the large windows that gave a view to the table in the middle of the room.

"What did you want?" Cloud asked in a blunt tone as she crossed his arms over his chest and shifted his weight.

The emotionless female then surprised the male by giving a full, ninety degree, bow as she said, "I would like to personally thank you for helping to save my father."

"I was just following orders," the male shrugged as the female straightened herself out to stand while holding her hands clasped together at her stomach.

"Though that may be true, you still did it, so I thank you nonetheless," the noiret spoke, quickly bowing her head once more.

"Whatever," he sighed as he looked back inside to see Rhamina happily talking to Kiran, lightly shoving him with a smile on her face.

Following his gaze the female inwardly smirked before saying, "Rhamina speaks very highly of you, you know?"

"Huh?"

"She always sees the positive aspects of others she takes care for," Hana explained before letting out a sigh, "I just wish she would do the same for herself."

"What do you mean?" the male asked as he looked back over at the fifteen-year-old, catching the glint of an unknown emotion before it disappeared once more.

"Tell me," she started, looking straight into his bright blue eyes, "in the time that you've known her, have you seen her actually give herself a genuine compliment?"

"And I do not mean those jokes she throws out to give herself an illusion of an inflated ego," the teen clarified as she stepped closer to the man.

Cloud remained silent as he thought back to his interactions with the ravenette and he actually couldn't remember a single instance in which she gave herself genuine praise.

Hana then looked to the older female before saying, "I wish to be able to lead like her someday. I never noticed it much when we were younger, but she had many faces."

"I'm sure you've seen some of them already and I'm sure you've noticed how she has the respect, and in most cases friendships, of everyone in Apocalypse," she continued, stirring memories in the male of Rhamina's many personas, "Even here, not everyone had respect for me or even my father. Do you know how she gained that respect?"

"Not really," the blond admitted, "I never thought about it."

"While many would take being a multiple faced demon as a negative, she has learned to control each one and learned when to wear each one," the noirette explained, "That is how she gained the respect from others. She can read the atmosphere so easily and adjusts herself in response to it."

"Whether she is trying to comfort someone, gain the upper hand, or to even instill fear... she just knows," the fifteen-year-old continued, "I want to be able to lead like her."

"Why are you telling me all this?" Cloud sighed, grateful for the new information on the teen, but still confused as to why she would be revealing it to him.

"So you can get some insight on her true personality," Hana replied as she looked up to the twenty-one-year-old with a small smirk gracing her porcelain features, "Am I wrong to assume that you have taken an interest in Rhamina as a person rather than just simply your employer and boss?"

"What are you getting at?" the male snapped as heat flushed through his usually hardened form.

"No one would be staring at her for that long if they had no interest in her," the female continued as the ravenette looked at the two from her side of the glass, "Though if you really want her attention, you're going to have to be blunt."

"She's always been dense when it came to herself," Hana said as Rhamina stood up from her seat and walked out.

"You two alright?" the eighteen-year-old asked as she walked over, holding her hands behind her back, "You've been out here for awhile."

"Yes, we're fine," the doll replied as she turned to her long time friend, "Cloud and I were just talking about some things."

Now that the two stood side by side, the male noticed the stark contrast between the two females; from their looks, their personalities, and just the way they held themselves.

Despite their many differences, he could also tell they held some similarities as well; they both held a sense of unbreakable loyalty, the drive to become better in all aspects that they could manage, and their care for one another.

Cloud didn't have to know either one of them personally to see that they meant so much to each other.

He was brought back to reality with the sound of light laughter coming from both females.

"What?" he asked, defensively narrowing his eyes at the two.

"It's just that you looked really cute staring off like that," Rhamina explained with a soft smile as Hana used her wrist to hide her smirk at the male's reaction.

"Look at that, Rhamina, you've gone and made your brilliant swordsman flush," the fifteen-year-old teased in response to the bright blush that spread across the ex-SOLDIER's face.

"Hana, hush!" the eighteen-year-old chuckled as she looked away from the male who merely scoffed and began walking past them, towards the door.

"Cloud, wait! I'm sorry!" the ravenette cried as she reached over and latched onto the male's arm, causing him to tense.

"Please don't be mad," she said with her cheek lightly touching his bicep as she wore a lopsided smile with her eyes just looking up at his face.

The male just shook his head and pat her head, earning a happy trill before she let go, allowing everyone to walk back inside.

After everyone finished their very large meal filled with; lots of fun, drinking (mostly Kerstin), and dirty jokes (again, Kerstin) that were not really appreciated by the older Yukitara and Rhamina, they four from the Abyss were driven back to the hotel to pack up their things so they could leave as soon as they woke up the next morning.

As soon as the elevator reached the penthouse everyone started to their rooms, but as the ravenette was walking the world completely blacked out for a moment.

Before she could hit the ground Cloud, who was walking next to her, caught the teen by the shoulders and helped her steady herself.

"Are you okay?" he asked in mild concern as the female brought a hand up to her head.

"Yeah," came her breathy reply as she gave him a small smile, "My head just did something weird, I'm fine though."

"Are you sure?" he asked, keeping a careful hand on her elbow even as she started walking again.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she chirped, placing a reassuring hand on top of his, "Just go and pack up, okay?"

Even though he didn't believe her words, the male released her, albeit reluctantly, before he retreated into his own room.

Once the ravenette was back in her room, she tried to brush off what just happened, but still couldn't shake off the looming dread she felt as she packed up her things.

Early the next morning, the four ate breakfast before meeting Hana and her father in the lobby to return the key cards to the penthouse.

"Thank you for letting us stay here," Rhamina said as she gave a bow to the father and daughter, "May your future endeavors be blessed."

"There is no need to thank us, Rhamina," the older male spoke with a chuckle, "You were doing your duty as a leader and an ally."

"Indeed," Hana agreed as the ravenette straightened her posture, "Without all of you, we would have been much less efficient."

"Well, see you guys when the occasion rises again and don't forget to get those deliveries over to us asap," Kerstin spoke before the four made their way over to their vehicles.

Once all of their things were loaded into the van, Sierra got in the driver's seat, Kerstin got into the passenger's seat, and Rhamina got into the second row of seats while Cloud started up his bike.

By the time the group returned to the Abyss the sun was higher in the sky, but it was still morning.

When Rhamina collected her things, they walked back into their building with Cloud since the other two had some other appointments to take care of before settling back in.

"So do you think you have a better feel of the San Diego area now?" the ravenette questioned as they ascended in the elevator.

"Yeah, it's not much bigger than Midgar," he explained before a comfortable silence overtook the pair.

When they exited the elevator on their floor, the two walked over to their doors before pausing to face each other.

"Thanks for coming with us, Cloud, I know I wasn't with you for much of the fighting, but you did good!" the female praised as she gave him a hug.

"Well, I better start unpacking," she sighed as she pulled away, "I've got work later today and it's a Friday, so I'm working late tonight."

~~~Fin. Chapter 8~~~

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