#mostly about checking in with myself
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Tune Out, Zone In
Breathe.
#space#astronaut#digital art#doodle#cool down doodle#destress#mostly about checking in with myself#i mean its about a lot of things but the general meaning isnt like tune out forever more just like... stop and take a breath#important in any situation to just stop and take a breath and check in with your mind and body
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you have to be sexy but you have to be sexy in a way that's kind of bloody. you learn this early because you are wearing a ruffled skirt and the snow around your ankles kicks little sand particles against your calves. baby's first catcall. welcome to sexiness! welcome to the eyesore of your own body!
you have to be sexy like high heels. like sculpted eyebrows. like lean stomach and highly treated hair. you have to be sexy like youth is sexy, which means you have to be sexy like boxtox and plastic. a 30 year old can be sexy but she's not going to be bloody, and they like the bloodiness of it. a 30 year old is sexy when she is a whiskey glass and a wooden desk.
but you need to be sexy like an open mouth. you need to be sexy like a bitten apple. like plucked skin and white-knuckling the waxing kit.
so sex is a performance, not an enjoyment. for a while, you just assumed everyone else was also in on the joke - nobody actually likes sex that much, right? like, some men probably do, but why would you? it is like a gender - your gender is sexy. your gender is the performance of sex. you are thigh highs and garter belts. which, to be fair, do make you feel sexy.
part of what does make sex good is that you can tell that other people want you, which means the performance of sexiness is both bloody and wanted, which is good, which means you are winning at having a body. being wanted is the prize. being wanted is the thing you are searching for, not hope. you think you are looking for a soft grave in easy loam, but that is bloody but not sexy. to be sexy you must be bloody like a red open sign. bloody like a handprint. this will make you wanted.
any wanted or unwanted body is subject to supply and demand, which is to say that the more demand, the better you are valued. you must be highly demanded to be valued. this is stated in matter-of-fact by some men. sometimes it is a priest that says it, and sometimes it is a podcaster, and sometimes it is the 45th president of the united states of america.
(if you do not have any experience with being told your value, i want you to grab the nearest bird to you and i want you to crush it into a thin paste in your hand. spit into the center, and then hold your fingers closed tight around it for days and days, long after the rot has set in. feel bones itch inside of your fist. this is only a fraction of what it actually feels like, but it will suffice for a moment.)
good sex feels like you have earned their desperation. you have earned your own value. for a while you operated under the understanding that everyone knew about the power structure, even him. that their desire to take you - the violence of it - means that you must desire to be caught. little prince, guardian fox - you would rather have cut your own arm off. you liked the secret, cunning little voice you keep tucked into a box. you think you are fucking me. i am not even here right now. you are fucking what i conned you into perceiving. this is a painting, not a person. dominion over the body before all things.
so you bend your body like a wheat shaft and learn the steps so perfectly that it almost seems graceful. (if you do not have experience faking your own connection to your body and sexuality, cut each of your articles of clothing just a little bit incorrectly. pour fishbones into each of your meals. this way, you will experience the average noon on a tuesday.)
you have to be sexy like light spilled over a desk, but not desperate. not a noose. you can't be sexy like an electric guitar, you are the acoustic. you have to be on top of the bull but you can't have control over the animal.
okay, okay. the little rabbit of your heart went to sleep so long ago that winter has ravaged your concept of the human soul. there's something very-bad inside you, something that has taken over, a little fetid and rabid animal, angry and hurting and willing to bite first.
oh but even that's a pain that's sexy. open your mouth. be careful not to let the canines show.
#spilled ink#writeblr#warm up#the reason i tag warm up on so much is bc often i write them between me doing other things so im mostly telling myself to come back and edi#bc i rarely have time to check for typos lol#this is partially about compulsory heterosexuality btw#and why it took me so long to realize im a lesbian#i just assumed sex wasn't really supposed to be that good#been reading feminist lit and u can always tell
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it is friday my dudes (little hearts added by @tazmiilly)
#sorryyyyyy for not posting ... please accept these as compensation#gravity falls#fiddleford mcgucket#artwork of the damned#tales of the wild zeep#ummmm ok context for the first one should be mostly self-explanatory#i purposefully left the person he's calling open to interpretation#however for the record i will say i am a 'fiddleford was divorced before he came to gravity falls' truther#but that does not mean he would never call back to cali to check in on his son or anything#so take that as you will#uhhhh everything else is pretty silly and doesnt require much explanation i dont think??#i dont draw pre-college fidds a lot even though i literally have a whole backstory written for him LOLLLL#also i have a whole complex where when i draw a character pre-transition i feel embarrassed#sort of like i've walked in on them in the bathroom or something. like 'whoops sorry' and i politely look away#want to make it VERY CLEAR i dont think theres anything wrong or bad about drawing someone pre-transition!!#it's just a weird thing ive noticed about myself that i'm trying to deal with#and it literally only happens when i'm drawing. not when i'm writing
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CAIUS TREBONIUS AND MARK ANTONY, MARCH 15th
The Hetairia of Cassius, Luciano Canfora
Cic. Phil. 2
(taps mic) so as we all know, conspiracy is a kind of seduction, and actions not taken can be just as loud as the ones that are. so. uh. fellas! hey fellas. heyyyyyy.
like, I was looking at the Dolabella-Caesar-Antony mess yesterday, but something really fun and vicious happened here and I will be rotating it around in my head at maximum volume for the foreseeable future
the red panels are the Assassination of Julius Caesar by Vincenzo Camuccini (the pen and ink drawing, not the painting)
#gaius trebonius#like the last three times ive posted him. his look will probably change. but i have never once promised consistency on this blog#what's a consistent character design. you only achieve that when you get main character status in a comic#mark antony#drawing tag#komiks tag#roman republic tag#ides of march baby!#new tag for ides of march art. i'll retag everything later#also I’m going to kill dolabella myself. I love him. I want his head on cassius’ sword.#all these people are so MESSY good grief#also! two conspiracies: one from Cassius one from Trebonius. also sexy. much to think about#anyway test run for an idea. we will be revisiting this scene again#I have a better idea about how to do the red panels. what I don’t have is (checks notes) the patience mostly#I want to draw trebonius’ lip scar origin story#anyway they definitely got drunk and made out in a spectacularly sloppy kind of way at least once#beware! the ides of march!
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I would have more sympathy for people complaining about "Damian being treated as Bruce's only real child because they are related by blood" if Damian didn't literally spent probably over 75% of his existence doing something far away from his father while Bruce doesn't even comment on the fact that he hasn't seen his son in months and has no idea what he's doing.
#And don't even get me started on Bruce not ever really feeling sad about not being able to spend more time with his son in canon#Because prioritizing his job as batman is bruce's choice#And he actually doesn't seem all that sad about missing the first ten years of Damian's life#He's mostly pissed that Damian was trained to kill and that's it#He had no problem being mostly absent in the four years he knew about Damian's existence#Seriously there is not a lot of textual evidence that Bruce is sad about not having witnessed damian's first years#Out of a desire to have spent more time with him#I checked for that myself and even asked other people who actually read comics#Bruce feeling sad about this is fanon so people trying to paint Talia in a bad light for “keeping his son from him” piss me off even more#If Bruce had learned about Damian and would have been made to raise him earlier he would have left Damian in Alfred's care#Like let's be real
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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Love the new screwdriver, love the proverb on it, love that we're seeing Sherman's Gallifreyan in the show again.
Do wish that they would hire someone to actually do the Gallifreyan for them or at least spell check it
#I have not spell checked it myself because I find even the close-ups we've gotten a little too small to read properly#but people I trust have and it is. uh. they tried. but it's mostly not readable#like it doesn't matter because it's a very very small percentage of the fandom who gives any shits about this#but I do think they should hire someone next time to do it#I do absolutely love the quote though#doctor who#fifteenth doctor#i am talking
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there's a lot of things people blame for why fandoms feel like ghost towns these days, but no one's really talked about the way discord's contributing to it
#its like#people are trying to force fit discord's chatrooms into forum boards#except discord is just. really really *really* poorly setup for that#and theres no way to archive or share it so everything said in it is easily lost despite personal export or community pins or search option#and like#vaguely hearing about the way some people are unsatisfied with them/feeling unfufilled in the response to them#a lot of people would be better off posting those things to places like tumblr#where there isnt a time limit on when people see or respond to them#part of what's scary/frustrating on tumblr rn is some fandoms arent good about reblogging to posts or tag rambling#like with bad buddy a large part of the fun was the enthusiastic and in depth tag rambles and the way responses built on each other#vs something like kinnporsche which feels much more like-oriented#like? its not like theres any one way to fandom#and there's nothing actually wrong with likes or quiet reblogs#but vaguely hearing about the way some people were/are really upset with some servers im just kinda like#idk#feels a bit like people trying to force a square thru a circle or that they're looking in the wrong spaces for what they want#.......this is not a complaint for my space ajkds i think i've carved out a pretty happy space for myself!#im just checking the reblog graphs of some old vs new stuff and thinking about a convo other cookie and i were having over the weekend#i have a lot of friends around and i love everyone who's happy to ramble with me#but i do feel a slight case of DM burnout rn where mostly people reach out to me via DMs instead of reblogs#which is a very different dynamic#its like. hmmm words#i love DMs but the pressure of responding to a lot of individual messages#vs something like reblogs which is more open forum for everyone and feels more communal#if that makes sense?#the difference between visiting one person at home vs casually hanging out with a group at a cafe#and the lovely thing about tumblr specifically is that i can set down a reblog chain for several days if i need#before returning to it later when i have more time/energy#its got Longevity that discord lacks u know#........okay enough tag musings from me ajkfhjdgfhj BYE
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re: your recent tags about the gameboy sp! that boy's got headphone adapters i POMISE!!!
the magic of modern science. wow...
#ask#sapphicdroid#i did look it up to fact check myself after i reblogged the post and saw the adapters#honestly when i was younger i never knew it didnt have a headphone jack#granted the only time i ever saw one in person was on the school bus with a friend#he played pokemon blue on it and i dont remember the details of all that went on during#i mightve also seen another kid on the bus play pokemon emerald. i dont remember.#however that was my first exposure to gen 3 pokemon. as a kid i only knew about Red Blue Yellow and Crystal#my brothers had Red and Blue. and so thusly i have both games now. i... dont know where my copy of Red is though.#i have a copy of Yellow from Ebay but it loses its memory sometimes. which i think is why it was put on Ebay in the first place#Crystal however? well first i knew of gen 2 through pokemon stadium 2#we had both pokemon stadiums for the n64. or. well. still do have them.#speaking of. sure does suck to go through the gym leaders and elite 4 in those games. mostly due to how long rounds are.#emulated it a while back and i had to use the fast forward feature a lot#anyway. Crystal. somehow i got my copy from a random coat in a clothing store. just. in the pocket.#i dont know how i managed to find it. it was either in a coat my mom was looking at or i was looking through pockets... probably the former#anyway within like a week. a kid in 3rd grade stole it from me#i... think i got to the elite 4? i remember getting to the last dude with the charizard. forgive me for forgetting his name.#but like right after i had it stolen. i got on the bus and vented to my friend and he was like ''oh i have two copies of crystal''#and then gave his second copy to me. i forget if it was on the day of or if it was the next day.#anyway that same day it got stolen again. by the same kid. that kid stole so much shit from me#he switched schools the next year so i couldnt do anything about it#i have uhhh... soul silver now. so its not that big of a deal these days#anyway thank you for the ask :) i appreciate you telling me anyway
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Is this a good moment to mention that I'm more pro-ship than not?
Like I'm not actively into problematic ships (actually I avoid them most of the time), but I don't care about other people shipping them as long as it's fictional characters and everything is tagged accordingly (I'm assuming they do understand the difference between fiction and real life, otherwise the ship is not the issue here). I more against shipping real people than anything involving fiction and I'm very much against censorship
I try to keep my blog as a safe place for most people, so it's not like I post about this stuff regularly (or at all), but I want people to know in case this is a deal-breaker
#just checked one of mutual's dni and they mention pro-ship#but I feel like the definition of pro-ship is kinda muddy these days#so I thought I should mention that just in case it's important for someone#and I don't want to feel like I'm lying to people about something#if someone unfollows I understand that's your choice#ohnotalking#if one of my mutuals does unfollow then know you will be missed#but I don't really like hiding things I already hide enough about myself both online and irl#(in regards to online it's mostly personal info)#(I should probably stop clarifying everything it's anxiety speaking)
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The tension between wanting to know what to expect from an exam and reading about other people's experience versus ignoring everyone and just studying what I'm supposed to and whatever happens, happens. What counts is my preparation
#Tweety.txt#I got into some groups to see what people who are taking this exam are doing and what to expect from it out of curiosity#mostly to check for updates on the commissions. Reading about how others are studying makes me anxious and makes me doubt myself#and I don't want to be influenced by other people and feel like my prep is inadequate so I try to stay in my lane and follow my own advice#what's important is that I am studying and I am preparing myself for this
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Song of the Day: May 3
"Life Less Frightening" by Rise Against
#song of the day#'I don't ask for much / truth be told I'd settle / for a life less frightening'#another song that when I sing it alone it doesn't sound much like the original but I do so like to sing it#check me stirring my roux humming 'these lives we live test negative for happiness' sweetly to myself#today was Friday and I'm still trying to decide if I'm satisfied with the amount of work I got done this week#I suppose I'll have to be#I had my weekly report meeting and again the updates my boss asked for in the meeting were not the ones she asked me to prepare#so I split-screened her and delivered the prepared updates as I frantically opened and updated the new request#and then when she finished making politely falsely interested sounds (I'm not bitter I'm not I'm not) she asked again for the new update#and by then I had it ready! saved it as I brought up the share-screen and showed it to her#too frustrated in the moment to be properly proud of myself but now it's hours later and I'm feeling a little smug about it#little back-pats for me#I have something like a project timeline worked out for the idiot project#and I did some good work in the garden (nasturtium growing up the post under the bird feeder. very pleased it took the transplant so well)#and I sooooort of sorted the freezer stuff. kind of. mostly we ate the things I wanted to rearrange but I've got a plan for moving forward#the last non-work thing I'd really wanted to accomplish this week was getting my queue set up again here#I've gone through my drafts and done some prep but as you can see the queue isn't actually running again yet#hopefully I'll do that tomorrow. we'll see how it goes#the queue may have to wait until Sunday because I must confess if I can accomplish only one single solitary thing tomorrow#I would like it to be six hours of uninterrupted sleep. may it please the gods I shall rest tomorrow. blessed weekend#edit: wait wait I'm a fool I'm a fool I just typed 'May 3' and still I am a fool#it's May the Fourth!!#happy star wars day my loves if I don't get the queue up today after all#it's because I'm reshuffling everything because I've got a new influx of SW posts to distribute!!
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Bro I literally obsessed with the casino quartet now plssssss tell us more
omg . actually a lot of my Thoughts about them r au based but ^_^ i think while i am here i might as well share that they're named that is bc the idea of all of them working in a casino 2gether rlly caught on!! (this was mostly brought up by thegalacticbucket and things just sorta snowballed from there .)
anyways the fun dynamic between them is that red's a dealer + deals with the finances with clown, clowns the owner of the casino and manages the casino, branzy is there as eye-candy branzy is the shill aka he gets the games rigged for him so people r more inclined to gamble more bc he's winning a lot + he encourages them, and ash is the bartender! he has arm garters and makes drinks for all of them after hours
so dats the fun history lesson 2 why the 2 fics of them atm have 2 do w/ them working at a casino and chilling w each other and why they're called casino quartet ^_^ hope u enjoyed the Lore
#mcyt#casino quartet#swagdoons#clownzy#branzypierce#mcytshipping#lsshipping#<- not really just in case people just wanna filter#but yaur ^_^ my main au of them is something i havent had time to write as of late#also Knowing my brain i change things around so much that giving info 1 week can be outdated another week#so alas. one day it'll be done and i can nerd about it!#actually i should work on it now but. academics (sadge)#so yeah ^_^ i Will au dump abt then 4ever and ever mostly bc 1) they don't exist in canon and 2) i have to feed myself a lot of the time .#but anon if ur interested @witchlightart on twt has a vampire au w/ all of them :D#purr did one of those 'one likes = one fact' abt the au things so if u wanna check it out: da world is ur oyster#but thank u for letting me Indulge once again and. i am sorry main tags for spamming today but My Brain is sick in the head#anyways tag ramble over . i find them so funny their comedic poetential alone keeps me going#mailbox.core
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It's a bit funny that to parts of my circles I'm 'the fandom one'/'the fanfic one'/'the shipping one' as the person they know most prominently into such things
because as much as i love writing my fics and shipping my ships my interest in both of those things is, I think, very narrow and specific compared to most people who are into them? due to my habits being like. very particular
#i think some ppl think of me as ahh my buddy who is always reading fanfic and i'm like. look. i would LIKE to be that. but i'm not#it's comically difficult to get me to sit down and read a new fanfic. for no discernable reason#the fandoms i like to read for don't even have big fic scenes but i've still checked out such a narrow portion of them#(and these fandoms are like. just a few. leaving aside MiA's dead tag. LOGH + T&B + Vorkosigan + ...anything else here would be a lie)#(Queen's Thief + Temeraire + TMA are on the backburner rn for reading fic but they were faves before yet i read SO little of what existed)#(everything else i just check out very occasionally or when directly recc'd)#i think mmmaaaybe 'my buddy who reads tons of fic' would be the case if there were new fics about the sages coming out every day#they're sort of a unique hyperfixation for me lol#but there are NOT. instead there are ((checks))#four (4) english language belavue fics on AO3 that are not by me#AND two of them i would say do not actually have any ship content and were likely just tagged that to be safe#as far as non ship content there are ((checks again)) 21 English language fics tagged with Belaf and I wrote 13 of them ........#(and 17 for Vueko and i wrote 10. two of the others barely mention her and shouldn’t be tagged lol) …guys i'm starving............#ok you read to the bottom of the tags you get to hear a selfish wish#i kind of hope that someday...someone will...write some fic about the sages either because of me or for me#gen or ship it doesnt matter#but this kind of thing usually happens in AO3 exchanges though and there aren't ones in this fandom because the fic scene is so miniscule#i'm literally running one right now off AO3 but have a feeling it will end up being mostly art and also didn't put myself in as a requester#since the people participating have largely made stuff for me as gifts before and i have a glut of lovely work from them#and again that exchange will mostly end up being art i feel and not fic. but some other time... i still wish ... more fic... pleae..plaeabs#there are very specific reasons i don't want to host an MiA fic exchange through AO3. i can guess the kind of stuff some people will reques#(the kind of stuff that's already in the tag.) and it's not stuff i feel like moderating an exchange involving >_> so i won't#but god.. ... ..... someday......i hope....there can be an exchange where i ask for somethinga bout these people.............
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I hit metal real goodly ok?
Practicing cold chiseling, an absolutely archaic, and today useless skill but dammit its fun and and I'm curious
#metal tag#my face#i could go on a fukkin lecture about the prevalence of these things well up until the 1920s but i got essays to write.#mostly just recorded myself to check my hammerr swing and posture (decent) and thought eh fuck it let's show tumblr
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writing update: it only took six chapters, but i'm finally going to go through the tags on THD and figure out what i need to update! (also shoutout to the post i saw a while back where the op mentioned that they compile a list of tags as they're writing. it's obvious in hindsight but it lowkey blew my mind that you can do that ahead of time instead of just figuring it out when you go to post the fic)
#fic: the hedgehog's dilemma#mostly posting this to make sure i actually do it#i 100% do not expect anyone to remember the fic tags or go check or anything#but if you ever had a moment of like. “this should be tagged but isn't” while you were reading feel free to let me know#especially for trigger warning type stuff that people might want to filter or be warned about ahead of time#but again this is only if something occurred to you off the top of your head. i am absolutely not assigning anyone tag-checking homework#(except myself)#kvetch oc
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