#motherfucker. piss and fuck. this is either going to be the greatest thing ever to happen on the planet or we're going to die badly en mass

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

STARKY THE TRAILER

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

A T A L L

AND YET YOU'RE TOTALLY CERTAIN THAT

EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU WERE JUST NEAR

ONE

PARTICULAR

PERSON

[holdtightposts]

My Hero Academia hooked me with one line. “This is the story of how I become the world’s greatest hero.”

Bam. Hooked.

There would be good moments here and there. Animation is decent with fantastic scenes every now and then. Story is eh. There were some parts of the story that were unpredictable and I personally enjoy that. But holy shit are there too many fucking sob stories.

There are two things I absolutely fucking hate that automatically ruins a story with potential:

Let’s feel sorry for the main protagonist. Either by making his life or his journey depressing. Let’s just make them the biggest fucking crybaby you have ever seen. Because everyone just loves a motherfucking crybaby in real life, right? There’s a difference between “depression pity” and actually overcoming hardship.

Why can’t they just let villains be villains? I’m so fucking tired of plots that are all about trying to justify their behaviours and actions with nonsense back stories. NO! Why can’t they do villain shit because they just want to do villain shit?! Or because you know, they’re horrible fucking selfish scumbags. Oh but wait, that person who murdered that family only did it because they didn’t get the toy they wanted so badly as a child so let’s feel sorry for them and justify and excuse that incredibly horrendous act. Fuuuuuuuuuuck that.

I kept watching MHA/BNHA because of that one fucking line. Then this latest episode comes out and all of a sudden it’s about how EVERYONE becomes the greatest hero. Fuck that noise. I got baited and I’m absolutely fucking pissed off about it. What a load of shit.

What are they going to do next? Make the invisible student not invisible anymore or somehow able to be visible out of the blue? Reveal that one of the school staff or students was a traitor from the get go? Probably someone with little screen time and the opposite characteristics of a villain so they can write in some stupid ass sob story. Make that decay villain and the main protagonist bff’s?

[sparkliingcrown]

— my worst nightmare.

Summary: You know the saying that goes 'Keep your friends close but your enemies closer?' How much closer can you get to your enemy than being roommates?

Request: Brownies + Dark Irish Coffee 

Genre: Roommates AU, College AU, Enemies to Lovers

Words: 6.1k

Warnings: Lots of swearing. I didn’t hold back in that aspect. Uhm, mentions of drinking, yn kinda panics at one point... I think that should be all! If not, pls notify me ^^

Note: An Eishi Café special. Yes, this is because it was last minute requests and it took too long for me to get to and open up the café again. ALSO TO THE ANON THAT REQUESTED THIS, I’M SORRY I MISREAD THE ORDER AND WROTE IT AS A LIGHT REQUEST! I hope you still like it nonetheless... Sorry it took so long T^T Also, this is my first time writing something like this so I really hope that it fits.

You were hauling your bags and boxes up to your new dorm room by yourself. That wasn’t exactly the greatest way to start the day, considering you had to stay up packing the last of your stuff, rushing to the nearest train station, riding the train, and then driving all the way to your new dorm room for college yesterday. You didn’t even get to sleep a wink on the train and you sure as hell can’t sleep while on the road. So, in short, you were tired, hungry, and really fucking pissed.

You mocked your naive and excited self, making faces as you tugged your bags closer to your body, pulling the strap of your backpack higher up your shoulder to keep it from falling on the floor. Go to college, they said. You'll have the time of your life, they said. Who's they? The many, many movies you watched growing up. And where exactly were you now?

"Can you at least try to help me move my stuff inside?" You drop your bags at the door, stretching your arms out.

"Lemme think about it." He closes his eyes for a second, letting out a deep breath. "No."

That's right. You were stuck with him. Choi Seungcheol. The bane of your existence.

That motherfucker.

His majesty was sitting comfortably on the couch, a cup of boba in his hand. Oh, how you wish you could just reach out there and squeeze it to make it explode in his face. Instead, you huff. You turned away and stomped your way down to the elevator to get the rest of your luggage. Muttering to yourself, you hauled the last of your luggage in, just wanting to collapse onto your bed for the day having barely gotten any rest the previous day.

You were expecting your best friend, Jiwoo, to greet you at the door. You were expecting her to greet you with that enthusiastic squeal when she sees you. You were expecting her to give you a warm hug that would last probably longer than 5 minutes. Alas, the universe decided to be rude to you and give you your worst nightmare.

Seungcheol stares as you drag your bags and feet to the nearest room, raising an eyebrow when he thinks he heard you utter his name. He did not help whatsoever. Asshole. Once you get to your room, you don't even bother cleaning up and unpacking. You sank to the floor with a loud whine, not caring at all if Seungcheol could hear you from outside.

You were so excited to live out your college dream. Going to the library, going to parties you know Jiwoo would drag you to, midnight talks with your roommate, binging series you’ve been eyeing for a while. The universe just really had to ruin it for you by placing him as your roommate. You didn’t even know he was enrolled in Hybe University. It seemed like he didn’t know either. You recall the shocked look on his face when he opened the door.

“You’re my roommate?!” You both exclaim in unison.

You feel your lifespan shorten by 30 years when it fully sinks in that you’re stuck with him for a full school year. If it wasn’t enough that the bags you carried were heavy, the ones under your eyes felt even heavier. Seungcheol frowns.

“You look like shit,” he states, taking a long sip out of his cup.

You manage to send your iciest glare at him, chucking the heavy luggage inside to make him  move. “No shit, Sherlock-”

“The name’s Seungcheol.”

You ignore him. “I just drove a fucking half hour just to get here.”

You kick the bag, moving it to a corner then go to get a smaller one waiting by the door. Seungcheol moves out of your way, walking back to the couch. “Don’t fucking test me, Choi.”

He puts one of his hands up in a surrendering gesture. You sigh, closing the door behind you to get the rest of your things.

You let out a groan, deciding to unpack your things a little later. Eyeing your bed, you get up to move to your bed. You easily drift off into sleep. You would’ve loved to say it was dreamless but you actually quite enjoyed the chaos of it all. You awoke at 2 in the morning, lost and confused. You frown at your waste of half the day yesterday, smacking random items in your room to figure out where you had placed your phone.

Once you located it, the screen lit up your face - blinding you a little in the process. Jiwoo had excitedly messaged you. Well, excited was an understatement when she sent you 102 messages in the span of one hour and 17 missed calls for the rest of the time you were unconscious on your bed.

Your stomach growls, shocking you. “Yeah, I should get some food then start unpacking. Probably message her back as well…” you mutter to the air, dusting off your jeans as you finish up the process of fully moving into your new home for the next school year.

You sigh, “Fuck, this is going to be a long year.”

You bury your head in the reference book that you picked out to help with your assignment. It wasn’t doing it’s job of helping. You shifted in your seat. With a groan, you lean back in your seat, not understanding any of the material so far. Jiwoo pats your back encouragingly, nuzzling her cheek on your shoulder.

"There, there," she says, running a hand through your hair. "Hold on, I'll just return this book because it didn't have what I was looking for."

With a solemn nod, Jiwoo rises from her seat. She skips away with the book in your hands leaving you suffering all alone. You mentally slap yourself for sulking when it's literally only the second month of college. Living in the dorms has not been any easier ever since you arrived. Seungcheol took any opportunity to get a rise out of you and you would bite back with just as much sass.

It was like a competition between you both. Over what exactly? No one could really tell. Jiwoo came over often so she's very much used to seeing the two of you bicker like little children out of the smallest things. This was the reason as to why she dragged you out of the dorm.

"Come on, ever since you've arrived, you're either staying in your room or going to that boba place!" Jiwoo was tugging you by your wrist while you used your other hand to cling onto your bedpost. "You need to live! To breathe!"

"I do that just fine over here!" you complain.

Then, it was just a competition of whining. Jiwoo won that one easily. Her bright, sparkling puppy eyes were too much to resist. You sighed. You were too soft for Jiwoo sometimes. You mumble, cursing the professors for giving a bunch of work already. It was to the point that you could barely keep track of any of your subjects anymore.

You stare at your laptop screen, a half blank essay staring back at you with a menacing aura. You turn your head. An open textbook sat atop several other books of the same subject stared at you too. You could hear it calling for you, yelling at you to study for the test next week. With a silent cry, you drop your head down onto the table. You hear a snicker from behind you. One that you've heard way too many times that you didn't even need to turn around to see who it was.

"Hello to you too, Choi." You let out a tired sigh, head rising from the table.

"You look pitiful like that," he comments, eyeing the multitude of books surrounding your laptop. "You need any help?"

You raise an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Do you need help?"

"The Choi Seungcheol is offering me help?"

"Ah, good, so your ears can work," he gives you that shit eating grin that you just want to punch off his face. You can already feel the fire burning inside just ready to burst. You feel like a boiling kettle to say the least. It's his turn to raise an eyebrow now.

"Well?"

"No way," you huff like a child, turning your back on him.

He sat across from you. It really just had to be the only fucking unoccupied seat left. You mentally cursed all the students who came to the library. Then you felt bad and instead cursed Seungcheol who just had to come to the library when you were at the peak of the stress rollercoaster, just ready to dive into the depths of despair and bad grades.

Your eyes flutter back and forth between the laptop, the books and Seungcheol himself. With a defeated sigh, you turn the laptop so the screen could face him. "Please."

That same grin never left his face, he tauntingly cups a hand around his ear. "What's that? I can't hear you."

"Old man," you retort with a snicker. Just as he was going to open his mouth to protest, you repeat yourself a little louder. "Please help me with this damn assignment so I can finish it already."

"That's more like it." He pulls out the chair next to you, pushing away the books to help you.

You would never admit it out loud but you were actually grateful that Seungcheol had offered his help. With every small pointer he gave you, you were able to fly through all of your workload like a breeze. He even lent you his notes for that test you were so worried about. You leaned back, tipping your head back as the most relieved sigh anyone could muster slipped past your lips.

“What? No ‘Thank you’?” he asked, a small pout on his lips.

“I didn’t kill you. Is that enough?” He rolls his eyes at you, returning to his own seat. Guilt started to take form in the pit of your stomach. You sighed. “I gotta go. Thanks. I’ll see you at the dorm.”

You didn’t see it. He didn’t want you to see it. He didn’t even want to acknowledge it; the heat rising up and painting his cheeks pink from when you sent him that small smile before leaving. Seungcheol mentally slapped himself, shaking his head and trying to focus on his own essay he put off while helping you. Safe to say, he never really did finish that stupid essay.

"Joo, do I have to go?" you complained, tugging your shirt downwards. It's a little too much for your taste.

"You deserve it, babe," Jiwoo replied. "You got good grades after studying for so long! Loosen up a little! Please?"

You give her a skeptical look.

"Just this once?" She gives you her best puppy dog eyes that shimmered under the light of her dorm room. She puts up a finger and juts out her bottom lip in a pout, ultimately stealing your heart with how cute she is. "For me?"

"Ugh, fine. You're too cute not to."

"Yay!" she wraps her arms around you and gives you a light kiss on your cheek, dragging you out of her dorm and to her car.

She drove you to the party, that sweet smile never leaving her face. She talked about a blend of many topics she was interested in. You heard her mention something about talking to that girl in her class. You only stared out the window, humming in response as you dreaded arriving at the party.

Alcohol. It reeked of alcohol. You just arrived but there were already so many people that just smelled like sweat and whatever was served in the kitchen. Jiwoo took you to the dance floor, which was clearly just the living room of the house with the couches pushed to the side so there's space. She introduced you to a couple of her friends. You give them a small wave. It probably wasn't the best idea to try and have a conversation this close to the speakers.

After just a few minutes of walking in, you already lost Jiwoo. She was probably just with one of her friends. Come to think of it, she was clinging on to one of them really tightly and just being very clingy. But she was almost always like that with anyone. You brush it off your mind, heading to the kitchen to get something to drink.

"They look pretty," Seokmin stated, sipping from his cup and making a slight face at the bitterness. "Wait... Is that Y/n?"

Seungcheol's ears seem to perk up at the mention of your name. He turns to the direction his friend was staring at, seeing you hover over the kitchen island with a drink in your hand. You looked bored. A little lonely too. He deduced that your friend had left you to fend for yourself. He snickers to himself.

"Oh yeah, I think that is," Jeonghan was suddenly by his side, eyeing Seungcheol for his reaction. Seungcheol pulls a face.

"What are you looking at?" he sneers.

"Don't you think they're pretty, Cheollie?" Jeonghan giggled, obviously already a little tipsy. Seungcheol scowls. An old conversation flashed by his eyes.

"Where are you going?"

You raise an eyebrow. "And why do you care about where I'm going?"

"Because I'm your roommate? What if something happens to you?"

"Awh, does Seungcheollie actually care about me?" You jut your lip out in an exaggerated pout.

"No, I- Wait..." He takes in the outfit you decided to wear, and breathes in the scent of that perfume you always wear on special occasions. "Don't tell me... You're going out with that guy again, aren't you?"

You roll your eyes, adjusting the straps of your shoes with a groan. "So?"

"Are you that blind that I have to fucking tell you? He's not good for you!"

"Why do you give a damn about who I go out with? Why would I give a damn about who you think I should go out with?"

"That's not the point- Stop going out with him!"

"What are you? My dad? Fuck off, Cheol."

"That guy is not good for you." He crosses his arms against his chest. "Hell, even I would be better for you and I'm your enemy."

“Yeah, you’re my enemy. That doesn’t explain why you’re butting into my love life like this. Literally, just fuck off!” you exclaim, losing your cool with a stomp of your foot.

You fall silent. He falls silent. Seungcheol is worried for that second that passes. He didn’t know why. The silence was uncomfortable. It was like the chill of realizing there’s a spider in the shower with you. He felt chills run down his spine. He didn’t even know why.

You say nothing more, picking up your purse. The silence was odd. It was new. Especially to the both of you. Seungcheol was just about to speak up again, voicing his opposition to you going out with the sketchy guy you met when you walked out and slammed the door on him.

His mouth hung ajar, disbelief spread all over his features. He scoffs, “Ugh, whatever.”

He turns to look at you again. You were by the dance floor now, the neon lights surrounding you. He always thought you were pretty whenever you two wouldn't be bickering until the day's end. Seeing you next to the lights, seeing you like this, it made his heart race a little. He blames it on the alcohol.

Seungcheol ignores the way the rest of his friends start teasing him. It was mostly Joshua and Jeonghan ganging up on him but it was teasing nonetheless. He rolled his eyes, shoving them off him when Jeonghan started giggling a little too close to his face. Sure, he thinks you look pretty, and sure, he doesn't deny that he did find you attractive when he first met you after the summer. That doesn't matter, though, right? Right?

So, what was this feeling festering in his heart when he saw another guy walk up to you and ask you for a dance?

Seungcheol watches as the anonymous guy takes your hand and graciously leads you to the dance floor. His friends would be dramatic and say that he glared daggers at the dude. To be fair, he was. Seungcheol wasn't going to admit to that, however. He crushes his cup in his hand, startling the rest of his group but leading to only more teasing from all of them. With a roll of his eyes, he decides to shift his attention elsewhere.

Your weight shifts from one foot to the other. Maybe situating yourself near the dance floor wasn't the best idea you ever got but you needed to search for Jiwoo in the sea of sweaty, horny, drunk people. What better option than to sit right next to the speaker? You mentally facepalm yourself when the neon lights blinded you from identifying anyone. You blink once. Twice.

Who is this stranger in front of you?

Alarms blare in your head, telling you to get away. Your grip tightens on your cup, anxiety filling your stomach. He notices your worried expression and immediately flashes a smile. "You don't come here often, do you? I'm Eungwang."

He extends a hand out to you, asking you to join him on the dance floor. You shyly follow him, his hand never leaving yours. He twirls you around, telling you to smile a little bit and relax. You could feel all eyes on you, the blinding neon lights and booming music slowly becoming unbearable with each passing second.

"You okay?" You nearly didn't hear Eungwang calling out your name. "You look stressed. Are you okay?" You did your best to shake your head no, breath stuck in your throat.

A worried look passes his eyes, the corners of his lips turning downwards. It was becoming too much. You knew you shouldn't have come to this party. Jiwoo just had to bring you along. Jiwoo... You still haven't found her. The pounding in your heart and ears were getting worse, getting louder. You twist your head, trying your best to scan the crowd for a glimpse of your best friend.

"Get your hands off of her," a more familiar voice speaks up. With wide eyes, you see Seungcheol with his hand on Eungwang's shoulder.

Without an answer, Seungcheol rips him away from you and grabs your wrist to pull you into a more open space. It was weird. You always thought Seungcheol's hands would be rough, yet his touch felt so light. It felt like feathers. It was almost as if he was afraid to break you in your state. If you weren't too occupied with panicking, maybe you would've been trying to fight your way out of his grip.

You hadn't even noticed. Within minutes, the two of you were seated in the front lawn. The cool air brushed your cheeks, slowly pulling you out of your trance. Seungcheol tosses you a water bottle which you catch with trembling fingers. You take a sip and let out a breath. With pursed lips, you turn to look at him.

"Sorry.”

"What for?"

"I probably ruined the mood, right?"

He rolls his eyes, tucking his hands in his jacket pocket. "Whatever. The party was shit anyway. We should get you back to the dorm."

"But Jiwoo--"

"Your friend will be fine." He tosses his jacket to you. "Wear that. It's cold."

"I will not."

"Suits you." He snatches it out of your hands almost immediately. "Don't come crying to me when you get a cold."

Like a child, you stuck out your tongue.

You're sick.

You don't know if it's fate trying to trick you or something. Whatever it was, it definitely isn't funny. Thank goodness, it was still the weekend. You definitely would have lost it if you got sick in the middle of the week. Good news was Jiwoo got back to her own dorm safely because her roommates dragged her back. That made you feel a little better.

Swaddled in your blanket, you begin your travel to the faraway land of the living room where you met your roommate looking at you amusedly. You sent him the best glare you could muster with a bit of snot dripping down your face. He only snickered.

"I told you, you should've worn-"

"Shut it. I'd rather be sick than wear that sweaty jacket of yours."

"Oi!" He stands up, pointing at you who was rummaging through the fridge. "I'll have you know my jacket isn't at all sweaty and gross! I wash it often!"

You let out a snicker, taking some leftovers out of the fridge and shutting it close with your hips. Seungcheol drops his plate in the sink. He stares at you for a fleeting moment; your hair was a mess and there was a bit of snot running down your nose. Nonetheless, you were wrapped up tightly in your blanket that reached the floor. You peek your head to see what's playing on the TV when you see a familiar character.

"You watch...Link Clink?" You sniffle slightly, bringing your blanket back up to rest on your shoulders.

"Oh? You know this show?" Cute. He shakes the thought out of his head immediately.

"Yeah...It was on my watch list." You didn't think that he'd watch something like that. "Not like you need to know."

He rolls his eyes at you, ignoring your last comment. "You wanna watch it together sometime?"

What in the fuck? You don't know if it was your cold, if it was just the air conditioning or literal chills went down your spine at his offer. Maybe it was just the first option. Caught off guard, you stare at him. His eyebrow was raised at you while waiting for your response.

"Uhm...yeah, sure... why not?"

"Oh, yeah." He opens up a cabinet, your curious eyes following his form as he searches through the cupboard. He pulls out a green plastic and hands it over to you. "I figured you would get sick, so I bought some stuff this morning that could probably help."

"Oh, uh, thanks..."

"Don't mention it." You weren't too sure but you thought you saw him blush a little. Perhaps it was your brain playing tricks on you. Nonetheless, despite being your enemy, he was nice enough to buy you something. Though, it really was just a small cold.

He clears his throat, snapping you out of your trance. "Get some rest. Jiwoo will probably drop by here later."

"Yeah, okay."

“You’re telling me he took care of you while you were sick?”

“And you’re telling me you didn’t threaten him at all to take care of me while I was sick?”

Jiwoo takes a long sip of her bubble tea, taking her time to chew the pearls while you wait for an answer. She simply shakes her head no. You sigh.

“It’s not like he, like, took care of me. It was more of, like, he just made living together less of a living hell, I guess,” you state, taking your own sip of your tea.

“Less? What do you mean?”

“I mean, he still teased and taunted me. Like, he kept bringing his friends over. You know how loud all of them could get. Finished a bunch of my snacks even though they had my name on it. He broke my third favorite mug, too. One time, he placed my shit on top of the cabinet when he knew I couldn’t really reach it.”

You almost let out a laugh when you remember it.

“Awh, you need me in your life after all."

"Shut up, I can replace you with a step ladder."

"Too bad you won't. You love me too much."

You hadn’t even noticed the rosy pink that started to bloom on your cheeks and creep up to your ears. Jiwoo did, however, and would not let you live. Her eyes grew wide, dramatically placing her cup down. She shook you. A big grin was plastered on her face once you turned to look at her.

“Oh my goodness, it all makes sense now,” she cheered, enthusiastically shaking you around like a maraca. “You guys have been talking a lot lately… When I visited there was no sign of chaos anywhere.... And you were just giggling!”

“Giggling?”

“Giggling, Y/n, giggling! You!” she squeals. “Oh my god, you’re blushing! They’re blushing! Don’t tell me… you actually like him, do you?”

You let out a snort. “Me? Like him? Jiwoo, love, he makes my college life a lot less bearable. My petty ass won’t even let that go by, either. There’s no way I like that asshole.”

Okay, maybe you liked him a little bit.

It would be hard not to like a guy who stops in the middle of a walk just to pet some dogs he saw on the way. It would be hard to ignore the way he smiles whenever you see him with his friends. It was most definitely hard to pretend like your heart wasn’t racing at all when your drunk roommate, also known as your enemy, snuggled closer to you on your way to the couch.

“Seungcheol.” A groan. Try again.

“Seungcheol.” Same response. What is this bitch on?

“Choi Seungcheol.” A loud whine escapes his lips. “How much did you drink? You reek.”

“Just a lil’ bit,” he hiccuped, swaying back and forth on his feet. “We were having so much fun I didn’t even notice the time!”

You softly threw him onto the couch as he started to flail his arms. You rush to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. He throws his arms around the pillows and tightly squeezes them as he starts babbling nonsense you couldn’t quite make out. You hear something along the lines of peaches, weird foods they tried, and someone jumping into the pool. You smiled. They always were such a rowdy bunch. All 13 of them. You would know. They trashed your room once and ate your leftover ice cream.

“You look pretty.” You snorted, covering your mouth with your free hand. “You look just like my roomie, you know. They’re like-” A hiccup interrupts him. “They’re the prettiest person I’ve ever seen,” he slurred.

“Oh? Is that so?” You make him sit up properly and hand the cup over to him. “Here, drink some of this.”

He gulps down the water. “You're really kind, too! Ah, just like Y/n~ But they have a little- no, no- a huge temper.” Oh, wow. The audacity. He giggles and you suppress the urge to smile. Failing, you laugh along with him, shaking your head.

“Come on, let’s get you to your room, you ass,” you say, slinging an arm around him to try and get him up. “Why are you so damn heavy?”

“Because of my love~ for Y/n~!”

“Why are you cheesy when you’re drunk-”

You finally arrive at his room, which took a lot longer than expected because of dragging a very intoxicated Seungcheol around who would not stop trying to cuddle you. You struggle to open his door, ignoring the loud beating of your heart. Wanting to go back to sleep as quickly as possible, you let him crawl onto his own bed, turning around to leave.”

“Get some sleep.”

A hand wraps around your wrist, preventing you from leaving. He pulls you closer. You lose your balance. Oh look, now you're on top of him. You hold your breath. You try to push yourself away from him but to no avail. You were trapped.

“Where’s my goodnight kiss?” He croaked out, quickly leaning up to peck you on the lips.

“You kissed?!”

“Shh! Joo, not so loud!” Your eyes darted around the area, several heads turned to look your and Jiwoo’s way. “Everyone’s looking at us. I don’t even know what to say, Joo. I haven’t seen him at all for the past few days.” “You haven’t seen him or you’re avoiding him?” She raised a skeptical brow at you, popping some food in her mouth. She points one of her chopsticks at you with a big grin that makes you want to hide in a hole and never come out. “I think… you’re just avoiding him.”

“Well, what are you supposed to do when-” you lower your volume, casting your eyes to the ground. “I’m not finishing that sentence. Argh!” You hide your face in your hands, Jiwoo’s thrilled laughter coming from beside you.

You spent the following week trying to evade Seungcheol’s presence. You’ve been getting out of the dorm far earlier than you used to and he could never catch you anywhere. He seemed more than eager to talk to you nowadays, usually looking for you in the hallways or trying to spot a glimpse of you in your favorite spots. The library, the boba place, outside your classes. Nothing. It always seemed like you were one step faster than he was, one second too late for him.

He went around the campus grounds one last time. He even asked his friends if he’s seen you to which they replied with skeptical looks for fair reasons. He even tried to ask your friend, Jiwoo, to no avail. He retreats back to the dorm in defeat. His shoulders slumped over as he fished the keys out of his pocket. The door clicks and he becomes visibly confused. He still has his keys in his hand. The door opens wide and Seungcheol yelps, faced with none other than the roommate he was looking for.

Without thinking, he grabs a hold of your wrist as you go to shut the door on him. You snap yourself out of your thoughts from that night. "You're coming with me."

"What the fuck?" You tug your wrist back. His grip only tightens. "Yah! What the hell do you think you're doing?! I'm going to miss the next episode of-"

"Mmm, don't really care."

"Tch." You look down, suddenly ashamed of your get-up. He opens his car door for you. "Did Jiwoo put you up to this?"

Seungcheol smiles. Your heart... Did it skip a beat? Woah. Maybe he actually doesn't look too bad when he's not being a dick to you. Maybe he actually, dare you say it, looks cute when the two of you aren't at each other's throats every 5 seconds. You reluctantly get in, buckling your seatbelt while you wait for him to start up the car.

You look out the window, appreciating the beauty of the night. It's serene. It was still pretty bright with all the lights and buildings yet it looked beautiful. You opted not to speak to Seungcheol for the rest of the drive. You still didn't even know why he dragged you out of your room. You don't even know why you actually got in his car.

Realization hits you.

You're in his car. Seungcheol's car. You willingly got into Seungcheol's car. A small gasp leaves your lips, calling his attention.

"Is something wrong?"

You look at him. "Uh, no... No, I'm fine." The car suddenly holts, snapping you out of your daze. 7/11. Your eyebrows furrow. What?

"You dragged me out of my room... to go to 7/11? This late at night?" you asked, disbelief laced in your tone. He only chuckles at you, getting out of the car while leaving you bewildered and still strapped to your seat.

"Technically, it's like morning but sure." You unbuckle the seatbelt and step out, the cold breeze hitting your skin. Right, you still looked like a mess in the middle of a crisis. "I owe you ice cream since Soonyoung couldn't control himself the other day."

You narrow your eyes at him, suspicious of why he decided to be nice to you today. Before you could open your mouth to speak, he interrupts you, "This is just so you won't bitch about your lost ice cream."

"Hey!" you huff, crossing your arms over your chest. He picks up a few items and checks them out, you follow behind him like a lost puppy. "I thought we were just getting ice cream... why are you-"

"Can you just enjoy this quiet we have right now?" That made you shut up for the rest of the night. Not really. You started complaining about the cold a few minutes later while he laughed at your misery.

"Your fault for not bringing a coat, idiot."

"You fuckin- You dragged me out here!" you exclaimed, exasperated. "The audacity of this bitch, I swear."

Now sitting outside the 7/11, you rub your arms in a feeble attempt to warm yourself up. Not much luck. He slams a cup of instant ramen in front of you. You jumped slightly at the noise and he sent you a sheepish grin. "Enjoy, loser." You stick your tongue out at him yet pick up the cup nonetheless.

A sizzle breaks the silence between the both of you. He has a cheeky grin plastered all over his face as he teases you with the sight of the can of beer. He tosses one in your direction. You caught it, thankfully. You take a sip after opening it, letting out a content sigh. You searched your brain for something to say to fill the silence. It wasn't exactly everyday you get to sit quietly under the night sky on a school night with your worst enemy.

“I...uh... also wanted to apologize if I weirded you out while I was shit-faced drunk that one time. I didn’t- the words… they just slipped out,” he says.

“That’s it?” you ask. “You don’t remember anything else?”

Seungcheol shakes his head. “I don’t remember anything other than babbling nonsense. Why? Did I do something?” Your cheeks flare up, memories flooding back in that you’ve tried so hard to avoid. He stops and looks at you, noticing how you wouldn’t look him in the eye. Your eyes were trained on something else, your cheeks burning crimson. He blinks once, twice, trying to recollect the events of that night. All he remembers was you pissed and greeting him at the door, muttering some embarrassing shit, and being dropped onto his bed. Everything else was a blur.

“We should… Let’s get going. It’s getting really late,” you say, turning your head so you’d stop staring. The two of you finish up your ramen and drinks, heading back to Seungcheol’s car after discarding the trash.

On the way home, he recalls a few memories. The day you first met, the time you embarrassed him in front of the whole 8th grade, the time he gave you an oreo cookie filled with toothpaste. A good trip down memory lane later, the two of you were laughing obnoxiously in the wee hours of the morning. The laughter dies down as Seungcheol unlocks your dorm door.

“Come to think of it, why are we enemies again? We didn’t really do too much to hate each other,” you say, removing your shoes by the door.

“Do we hate each other?” You shrug. He laughs. “Why don’t we start over then? We’re not too different, apparently.”

“Yeah. Sure, why not?”

He sticks out his hand. “Hi, I’m Seungcheol.”

You gaze lingers on it for a few seconds. You never thought you’d be doing this ever. You look up at him and back at his hand. There’s a chance you’ll regret your next move but you doubt you will.

With a simple, soft kiss, everything felt like it changed yet stayed the same. The feeling of his lips on yours felt like a simple gift from the universe as a sorry for everything the two of you went through together. Seungcheol was frozen in his spot, eyes fluttering shut as he slowly pulled you closer. His memories start getting clearer. He slowly pieces together what happened that night. You pull away with a grin, completely red in the face.

“Hi, I’m Y/n. Seungcheol’s worst nightmare.”

“Is that what I get for making you suffer in silence when I couldn’t remember anything?”

“Oh, so you remember now? Damn, you really are old.”

“We’re the same age!”

“To answer your question, yes. Yes, it is.”

For the second time that night, you kissed.

[sneakingpasta]

Ghost Bakugou AU

-So basically during the sludge fight in the beginning, Bakugou dies

-But, because he’s a tenacious guy, he comes back as a ghost

-Now, this is the first time he’s been a ghost, so obviously he’s going to try to find a way to get back to the living world (Come on, do you really think this dude would let Death defeat him?) 

-He tries possessing others at first but it just doesn’t work

-And he gets so fucking frustrated because literally no one can see him, not even his own parents

-He just walks around town, unable to interact with the world around him

-But then he spots a messy green haired kid

-Midoriya looks like death itself, losing a childhood friend had taken an effect on him. He looks like he hasn’t slept or eaten in days

-Bakugou just gets really annoyed

-I mean, what’s this brat doing? Wasting his life mourning over what? A dead body? Pathetic 

-He begins to walk away, walking through the crowd (literally)

-But then, right when he’s almost out of sight, he hears someone literally YELL “KACCHAN?” 

-He turns around and Midoriya is just dead sprinting towards him

-Soon enough Midoriya, who looks ready to feint, is in front of him

-And staring at him

-”What do you-”

-”How are you here? And alive? Wait, are you even alive? How? When? I was at your funeral Kacchan. You’re alive? Wait, this is a hallucination. It can’t be, you’re still here? I-”

-“Shut up, ya damn nerd. I’m not dead and not alive. Practically a ghost-”

-And without even flinching Midoriya is just like, “Alright, you’re a ghost. I didn’t even know those existed. Why haven’t you passed on? Not that I’m complaining, I think this is great. Oh, what’s-”

-At this point everyone in the street is staring at this insomniac child spew questions out to the air

-Bakugou eventually drags Midoriya away from the starers

-Once they’re alone, Midoriya is just asking and asking and asking questions but Bakugou is checked out

-Out of every single living being on the planet, this is the only guy who can see him?

-He doesn’t even have a choice, Midoriya’s the only one who can talk to him and he’s not about to go back to complete solitude

-And Midoriya’s this little happy ray of sunshine all of the sudden

-He stays awake all night just to keep speaking with Bakugou

-And then Bakugou starts noticing how skinny and tired Midoriya always looks

-“You can’t even eat food? How useless can you get?”

-Even though he sounds harsh, he starts pushing Midoriya to eat more

-“You’re going to be too weak to become a hero if you continue being a useless Deku who doesn’t eat.” “If you can’t even make yourself go to sleep how are you going to even save a human life? Idiot.” “RAMEN EVERYDAY ISN’T A FUCKING DIET. GO GET SOME VEGETABLES FOR FUCK’S SAKE.” “i swear to GOD if you don’t get a glass of water right now I’ll SCREAM-”

-And over time a Deku begins to get healthier

-They usually hang out in Deku’s room, but one day Bakugou’s like “Get some sun and stop being so fucking pale all the time.”

-So head out into the town and first thing they see is a villain with a hostage

-Bakugou just watches until he notices that somehow Deku isn’t with him anymore?

-And he looks back and there Deku is, rushing at the villain

-Obviously, Bakugou’s just like “DEKU GET BACK OVER HERE BEFORE YOU GET KILLED.”

-Long story short, Midoriya gets injured but somehow his interference saved the victim’s life and led to the capturing of the villain

-Bakugou’s obviously pissed and is scolding Midoriya while he’s in the hospital 

-“What. THE FUCK. WERE YOU THINKING? THAT THING WOULD’VE TORN YOU TO SHREDS HAD YOU BEEN EVEN A SECOND SLOWER. IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN I WILL WHIP YOUR ASS IN THE AFTERLIFE. I’M ALREADY HERE MOTHERFUCKER AND I WILL GIVE YOU HELL-”

-“it wasn’t that serious-” 

-“NOT SERIOUS MY ASS-”

-Then All Might shows up and is like “Yo, you cool. Want my power?” (ok he didn’t say it like that but you get the point)

-So then Bakugou is just like, “Bitch you better fucking recover because you’ve got a lot of work to do. Don’t waste an opportunity like this and get moving.”

-So then after the healing Midoriya goes through a training montage and, with the support of Bakugou, he’s ripped

-Then Midoriya gets into UA and Bakugou’s just like “Damn straight. You better not disappoint All Might.”

-And then Midoriya begins training and Bakugou’s right there

-And as Midoriya gets stronger, Bakugou realizes he can affect things more

-It starts off small, a simple gust of wind, but over time he’s able to manifest mini explosives (Give him enough time and he’ll be able to set off bombs)

-Now, Bakugou flat out refuses to help Midoriya in training. That’s not his job and he’s not going to make it easier for the runt. However, those who mess with Midoriya have been known to be blown away from some mysterious bomb.

-And when villains attack there is no holding back.  -Whatever power Bakugou has saved up is used in battle mode

-One minute people are fighting, the next everyone is either flat on their ass or trying to fight the air.  -And Bakugou is just enjoying this too much. He follows the villains, locates their hideouts and reports back to Midoriya who informs the hero association. 

-As days go on, Bakugou begins to manifest more and more. It came to be quite a shock the first time they learned Bakugou could possess Midoriya. Of course Midoriya was happy to share the body, seeing as that was one of the only things he could do to thank Bakugou

-So they take turns and Bakugou almost fucking cries the first time he eats food again or sleeps or does anything. And his quirk manifested along with him so he’s able to blow stuff up. 

-Just being alive for once is the greatest gift he’s ever been given. So he’s running all over the school, using his quirk whenever he can, eating the spiciest foods imaginable, and just staying active.

-After he gets over most of his excitement, the two start beginning to strategize how to use this new found ability 

-So, when the villains attack once again, Midoriya gives it his all and takes most of them down. But then he knocks out due to absolute exhaustion and the villains are like “finally, who was that kid? Bring him back to Shigaraki, this quirk may be of-”

-And then the “knocked out” kid just opens his eyes and jumps up

-Bakugou takes control and the villains are so fucking confused

-“SINCE WHEN DOES THE KID HAVE EXPLOSIONS-” “FORGET THAT HOW IS HE STILL AWAKE-”

-So they basically take turns fighting and nobody really understands what’s going on

-Anyway, they become the Number 1 Hero and their hero name is Kacchan (lol had to do it to em)

[flyingupward]

critical role - vox machina chapter 5 - venturing for vestiges

all sentences taken from episodes 57-69 of the first campaign of critical role. feel free to change pronouns, phrasing etc. to fit your needs!

“I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure I take great offense.”

“I was just eating an apple! Why am I dying?”

“Excuse us while we reminisce, apparently.”

“This is really your fault as much as it’s mine.”

“You might be blown up if you go in there.”

“There’s a fine line between psycho and practical.”

“Sorry, I thought I was going to watch a fight. I was really prepared for that.”

“Yeah, we’ll see you next time, shitface.”

“Thank you for keeping my home safe.”

“I think I’ve always been in love with the idea of you.”

“Can we get shitfaced one last time?”

“If you need us, blink of an eye and we’ll come back.”

“I’ll try and keep the kids safe and I’ll try and not be the thing that kills them either.”

“I plan on coming back. I’m not dumb.”

“I’m going to curl up in a little ball for a minute and rock.”

“Of course we remember that thing that happened when we were drunk two and a half years ago.”

“I’ll have my revenge, but I love you.”

“Things get prettier as they get older here? That’s not fair!”

“Oh jeez, here comes the internet.”

“We are really shit at making friends.”

“Stop talking to the air. It upsets them.”

“If I could pull the blood of you from my veins and give it back I would. I want no part of you.”

“As foolish and as damned deadly as some of these endeavors may be, you inspire. That’s more than I’ve done in my lifetime.”

“We don’t need heroes right now. We need survivors.”

“Does everything look like hitting on people to you?”

“It’s the gift of smugness. It never goes away.”

“You’re the lady of the house I burned down.”

“That’s a very dark and disturbing thought. I’m very impressed.”

“I wish I could say this isn’t true, but it’s actually true.”

“You’re taking us to the lost and found? Please!”

“Good job. You successfully parlayed with a field.”

“Is there anyone here of reasonable intelligence who wants to stop this from happening? Just checking.”

“Everything here has attacked us.”

“I don’t walk in the middle of dangerous forests for fun!”

“I know it’s appealing to you, but don’t get cursed again.”

“I feel like we were very reasonable considering how unreasonable we usually are.”

“Next time, everything dies.”

“Everyone was bad, including us, and we lived. That's it."

“I just want to say, that was a death threat in front of a thousand people.”

“If there was a time to not be us, this is the moment.”

“I am a backpack right now.”

“I’m trying to activate these and they require pain!”

“Life needs things to live.”

“We don’t get a lot of time to talk alone because everything is so fucked up.”

“I’m certainly in support of anything that gives our father heartburn.”

“A tree is just a door that hasn’t been made yet.”

“Well, we’re just stuck in a tree now.”

“My heart is someone else’s.”

“I have no respect for anyone who says, ‘We’re not so different.’ It’s the worst line ever.”

“Come on, dangerous nerd, do it!”

“Girl power healed me. I feel it.”

“Don’t let any man, or anyone for that matter, make you feel like you need them to be great. Because you don’t.”

“You know, for someone who hates the theater, you've made quite a show of all of this."

“Dear God, let’s get out of here before something else happens.”

“Can someone who can’t successfully lie to me please explain to me what’s going on?”

“Yell loudly if you need me.”

“We’re not fighting battles anymore. We’re fighting wars.”

“Your mind is a grandfather clock, you know that?”

“I’ve had my fill of gods, but I’m not so foolish as to think that we do not need them still.”

“I do not want to die who I am. I would like to live long enough to be someone else."

“I am finished with gods. They will not help me. Maybe you will.”

“I’ve been traveling with you fuckers for years and I still don’t understand magic.”

“This is what a plan is: Everything going wrong.”

“We’re going to have the greatest I told you so if we survive this.”

“There is a God and he hates you.”

“Take your time wisely for the hourglass burns quickly.”

“You flirted with grass better.”

“I feel like I should have learned some sort of lesson here. I’m just not entirely sure what it was.”

“I’m a vampire. Just deal with it.”

“If we are not to seize the opportunity for kinship, we miss the opportunity for survival.”

“He loved you well, princess.”

“Death is unavoidable and it’s all the more reason for life to be lived.”

“It’s not on you. I mean it might be a little on you, but it’s kind of on both of us.”

“I haven’t stolen anything in years!”

“He’s right. We’re not ready. We’re stupid assholes.”

“I love a good panic attack.”

“Sometimes math is not enough.”

“Somehow no new information yet still TMI.”

“You’re not that ugly. She just meant that to hurt your feelings, but you are a piece of shit.”

“You’re arguably one of the greatest minds in existence right now.”

“I think I stumbled into the correct answer. I’m not sure I chose correctly.”

“You know, I thought it was a possibility, but this is the first time I’m sure: Your girlfriend is way cooler than you.”

“You two really follow her? Are you idiots?”

“Rainbows are a motherfucker.”

“Well, that’s one way to die.”

“Everything you do, we will turn into preschool.”

“Take it from us, we’ve been unconscious a lot. You’re fine.”

“This is such a bad experience on every conceivable level.”

“If we get taken out by Single White Female, I’m going to be so pissed.”

“I’m sorry my issues have guns!”

“Has anyone else been to a horse tranquilizer party?”

“Are we really all going to die today?”

“Your inner insecurities can not be the cause of the entire group’s death!”

“We are being killed by a metaphor.”

“You can curse, it’s okay. You killed one of us.”

“The best thing you can do for your friend now is sleep, so do that. Save your tears for later.”

“I should have told you. It’s yours.”

“In many ways, you are my total opposite, but you’re also my best friend.”

“No Hamlet death for you.”

“Everybody could have just slapped my face while I was dead. That would have been much more convenient.”

“You just lied to me. I’m so proud of you.”

“And what did we learn? Don’t get killed again.”

“You’re outvoted. Go to bed.”

“Nobody wants to talk to you right now. We want you to go to sleep.”

[cultofbeatles]

beginners guide to the members of led zeppelin (kind of)

a disclaimer before anyone starts reading: we all know led zeppelin is shady as hell and we hardly ever get anything confirmed or denied around here. so some stuff is up for speculation. everything in this post are things i've read in books, heard in interviews, or got from some other source. when it comes to “facts about led zeppelin” sometimes you gotta take it with a grain of salt. but honestly it’s led zeppelin we’re talking about, anything is possible. also this is all in good fun and giggles. with that being said, let’s get started with introductions to the members themselves.

jimmy page 

james patrick page 

born on January 9, 1944 

he’s a capricorn sun, cancer moon, and scorpio rising so you just know he’s a crazy motherfucker 

was an amazing session guitarist and basically everyone wanted him 

went to art school bc he’s just talented at everything i guess 

if you didn't know already he played the guitar for Joe cocker’s ‘with a little help from my friends’

declined his first offer to join the yardbirds but later decided to join 

was the last member to leave the group

basically was the leader of led zeppelin 

was gifted a telecaster guitar by his friend jeff beck and he adored it 

and he painted a cool dragon design on it 

played on it for the first led zeppelin album 

when he was on tour one of his friends painted over his dragon design and ruined the guitar 

he produced all of led zeppelin’s albums and is responsible for the remastering of those same albums 

paid for led zeppelin’s first album to be produced with his own money

deadass would have whips and handcuffs around with him on tour for the groupies 

but was apparently an amazing lover and cared for the people he slept with

one time he got naked on a food cart thingy, put whip cream over his body, and had john bonham push him into a room with groupies in it 

has such a small and soft voice 

was fascinated in aleister crowley and his work

would collect crowely memorabilia 

even bought crowley’s boleskine house 

had a bookstore at one point so he could get books easier 

struggled with addiction to drugs for most of the seventies 

went on a liquid diet late seventies and refused to eat solid food 

he got really skinny bc of it :( 

miss pamela (one of his girlfriends/lovers) once said that jimmy cried on the phone to her over her playboy photoshoot lmaoo

once flied pamela’s pet raccoon in first class 

allegedly had a relationship with lori maddox who was about 15 years old 

laughed as two of his girlfriends were fighting each other 

was kind of constantly nervous about his and the band’s image

has amazing guitar solos and improvisation but damn sometimes they drag on foreverrrr

deadass scared the shit out of david bowie so much that he had his house exorcised and would avoid jimmy at parties 

we love demons 

zoso

he’ll never tell us what zoso means and I'm mad

had two people die in his home. one was a friend who died from a drug overdose, and the other was john bonham when he died from choking on his vomit.  

has been accused for the deaths of john bonham and robert plant’s son karac bc of that stupid “curse” rumor

deserves critiques for several things but doesn't deserve hate for that 

has been through a lot and come out pretty okay

produced his current girlfriend’s, scarlett sabet, spoken poetry vinyl 

check out scarlett’s work bc it’s amazing

would probably always be down for another led zeppelin reunion 

robert plant

robert anthony plant 

born on august 20, 1948

this is the most attractive man ever. do not argue with me. 

nicknamed percy 

wasnt jimmy’s first pick for a singer 

jerry reid suggested robert to jimmy. and when jimmy asked what he looked like jerry said, “like a greek god.”

jimmy thought something was wrong with robert when he first found him bc he was such a good singer and hadn't been signed yet 

after a practice together jimmy knew he had his singer 

he would call robert “the young guy with the powerful voice.”

he thought about leaving the band early on bc he was so nervous about being in it 

convinced john bonham to join the group bc they were the bestest of buddies 

he’s not credited on the first album bc he was still under another contract 

started song writing for the second album by jimmy’s memory 

it didn't take long for him to gain confidence and start owning the stage 

once when he was performing a dove flew in his hands 

there’s an audio of him singing john bonham happy birthday and it makes me so happy 

he would call himself a greek god 

would party with john bonham a lot 

kind of the hippy of the group 

moans moans moans and even louder moans into the microphone 

would wear women’s shirts and looked amazing in them 

nurses do it better 

not to mention his super tight jeans 

we all know his dick is huge and he’s just showing it off 

has the prettiest, fluffiest blonde hair 

and the sweetest smile 

can you tell that i find him attractive yet?

has a fear of earthquakes 

also supposedly had some sort of a relationship to an underage groupie named sable starr (14)

also has a fear of led zeppelin nowadays 

either fear or amnesia 

it’s likely that he’s the reason we’ll never get another led zeppelin reunion 

though a close friend thinks that if the show went to charity robert would probably do it 

robert loved john bonham too much to play in led zeppelin without him

and i respect that a lot 

no matter how much he’s offered for a show he turns it down every time

in 1975 he got in a severe car crash and ended up being in a wheelchair 

still went on to record zeppelin’s album 

once while recording on crutches and started to fall and jimmy apparently zoomed in to save him. robert never saw him move that fast before

his five year old son (karac) died from a sudden stomach illness while he was in america on tour

absolutely crushed him 

was deeply upset that neither jimmy page or john paul jones reached out to him during that time of his life 

john bonham was there for him though 

robert apparently never forgave them for that 

a car he was working on fell on top of him and crushed some of his ribs as well 

late seventies was not a good time for robert plant 

but he got through it all like a champ

hates stairway to heaven with a passion lmao  

one time he paid a radio station a shit ton of money just to make sure they'd never play stairway to heaven again 

almost didn't sing stairway for the 2007 reunion but ended up agreeing to it after all 

he said he breaks out in hives when he has to play that song 

he and jimmy made their own symbols. robert’s is the feather inside the circle 

in 2007 he won beard of the year 

john bonham

john bonham 

born on may 31, 1948

nickname is bonzo

oh boy, there’s a lot of stories about bonzo 

he was known as the nicest and sweetest guy ever 

unless he was drunk 

he drank a lot :/

denied jimmy’s offer to join the group and continued to deny it until robert convinced him 

once flew the starship (led zeppelin’s plane) even though he didn't have a license to 

hated touring so much 

he always missed his family 

so he drank 

he was so damn crazy when drunk that the other members would book rooms floors above where his was so he wouldn't disturb them

tore about his hotel rooms like no other 

he has a son named jason bonham who he loved a lot 

bought him a nice drum kit when he was younger 

jason is just about led zeppelin’s biggest fan next to jimmy page 

one time bonzo broke a girl’s vibrator when drunk

also punched a girl in the face when drunk once bc she waved at him 

partly responsible for the famous mud shark story where a girl was apparently fucked with a dead shark by him and zeppelin’s tour manager 

liked cars a lot 

really really loved his family. cannot stress it enough

was irked that john paul jones got out of playing shows during the christmas holiday and he didn't 

punched robert in the face once too 

him and john paul jones equals the best rhythm section ever 

jimmy would call it magic how well him and bonzo got along 

bonzo could handle anything jimmy threw at him 

he wasn't really a part of it, but he had to go to jail bc peter grant and two other dudes almost killing a man (long story omfg, but apparently the doctors had to put the dude’s eyeball back into his socket)

was there for robert when karac died 

they were really good friends 

there’s an interview with them together where bonzo is laughing at robert about his little farm 

gave good hugs apparently 

played drums like no other could and knew he was good 

but still sometimes got insecure and got upset when someone he looked up to said his drumming wasn't all that special 

his symbol is the three rings and he picked it out of a book like john paul jones did his 

he died in jimmy page’s house (not the crowley house btw)

he had to drink the equivalent of 40 shots of vodka and choked on his vomit in his sleep 

led zeppelin died on the same day 

nobody can replace john bonham 

his son filled in his role for the 2007 reunion show and did an amazing job of it. the whole show is on youtube, go check it out

john paul jones

 john richard baldwin 

born on january 3, 1946

nickname is jonesy 

was also a session guitarist like jimmy 

they had worked together before 

when he found out jimmy was forming a group he called jimmy and was basically given the spot immediately 

not only was the bassist but also the keyboardist 

and could play the recorder 

insanely talented. put some respect on his name 

he talks in italics i swear to god 

i don't have mainly crazy stories about jonesy bc he wasn't about that life 

deadass he would go on stage, perform, walk off stage and go to a whole separate hotel from the other

he would only tell one person where he was at and told them not to call unless for super urgent emergencies 

pissed peter grant off so much lmao 

wasn't really super close to anyone in the band tbh 

but bonzo was probably his greatest friend in the band 

jimmy and robert kind of leave him out in my opinion 

or they use to 

when he found out that jimmy and robert were making their own symbols instead of picking out of a book like he was he said “of course!”  and laughed 

was pretty much left out of the live aid show 

he had to squeeze himself on the stage and wasn't even able to play bass. he had to play the keyboard 

“and thank you to my friends for finally remembering my phone number” -savage as hell john paul jones 

he was one of the two people who found john bonham dead 

it’s sad to think about

is actually quite funny

he has this kind of dry humor?? idk but it’s amazing 10/10 content 

when john paul jones walks into the room interviewers break into a sweat

managed to look like a completely different person every year throughout the seventies or is it just my eyes?

has an Instagram account now go follow it for cute throwback photos lol

that’s all i really have for generic useless information about led zeppelin members for beginners. i hope it was somewhat entertaining. i'll make some more beginners stuff for led zeppelin. i will make y'all stan them lmao. i'm tagging @babygotblueeyes​ bc i know for a fact you want to get into them <3

[richard-nixon-official]

On the Music artists names ask game: every single question (unless you don’t want to answer some for personal reasons)

ahhh omg okay

1. Led Zeppelin- 4 turn ons

honestly the only one i know for sure is long hair

2. The Doors- 2 places you’d like to visit

new york city and los angeles

3. Pink Floyd- What are some things that make you sad?

thinking about how time is passing by so quickly and as i look on to the future i think i’m forgetting to enjoy the present and that really makes me sad

4. The Rolling Stones- What’s better, a fling/one night stand or serious relationship?

in my opinion, a serious relationship

5. Jimi Hendrix- Name 8 things that make you happy

my friends, my car, my dog, music, food, summer weather, playing guitar, getting paid

6. The Runaways- Would you say that you are self confident?

kind of. i’m not super arrogant or anything but i don’t hate myself. my relationship with myself is like the one acquaintance you have that you say hi to them whenever you see them but you never actually talk to them

7. Metallica- Do you have any special talents?

my talents are insanely boring, i get very good grades because i can remember stuff easily and i want to be a journalist because i can write a pretty kickass research paper. i want to be a musician but i don’t have a lot of natural talent so it’s going to take a lot of hard work

8. The Ramones- Do you have any pets?

yes i have a dog named eddie, we’ve had him for about 11 years now. he is like my little brother i would do anything for him

9. Simon and Garfunkel- What songs help you get through the day?

at the moment, 5150 by van halen

10. The Beatles- Are you a flirt?

hell no

11. The Mamas and the Papas- Define yourself in 5 words

i think i will leave this one alone because i can’t even think of one word to define myself. plus i would like to be a mystery

12. Blondie- Are you a virgin?

yeah, i know it’s lame

13. Nirvana- Are you an artistic/creative person?

sort of. i think i have a lot of creative energy in my head but i don’t really have a medium to let it out

14. David Bowie- Are you a follower or a leader? 

probably more of a follower, i’ve never been a very good leader. i would rather just do my part and let everyone else do theirs

15. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Have you been to any concerts? Which ones?

NO I HAVENT BEEN TO ANY AND IT MAKES ME SAD EVERY DAY!!!! i do have tickets to see def leppard’s stadium tour this year and i want to go see kiss and david lee roth but nobody will go with me so i might not

16. Iron Maiden- Would you say you have a “sexy” figure?

i mean, i think my figure is okay, maybe not super sexy but at least kind of cute. i would probably be nicer looking if i actually exercised but no thanks

17. Guns n’ Roses- Do you do drugs?

no but not because i don’t want to!!!!! i want to try pot and maybe drop acid

18. Motörhead- Are you a totally badass motherfucker?

probably not. i wish though

19. Pat Benatar- Ever been in love?

nope not yet

20. The Who- 2 of your favorite foods and 2 foods you hate

i love mac and cheese and roasted potatoes, meanwhile i fucking hate onions and brussels sprouts

21. Pantera- Did you ever get into a fist fight?

no, the lord has given me strength to control myself so far

22. The Moody Blues- What is your favorite genre of music?

rock and roll!!!

23. Journey- What’s your favorite band?

i have to say van halen. i just love them so much

24. Genesis- Do you genuinely care about others, even strangers?

yes i do, irl i seem like a kind of a bitch but i actually do care about people

25. AC/DC- Name 7 things people do that piss you off

i think i’m a pretty easygoing person in general, but if you’re a bigot i do not fucking like you and i’ll be mean enough to you that you won’t like me either. i also hate when people get mad about shit that doesn’t matter or are mean to people who are just trying to do their job, like retail workers. basically just be nice and you really won’t have any problems with me

26. Paul Anka- Are you a romantic person?

i mean, in the sense of a “hopeless romantic,” kind of. one time at school this guy held the door open for me and i actually started liking him a little

27. The Kinks- 3 of your favorite blogs?

ummm, this is hard because there are so many to choose from! @k2e4 always has good posts, @just-the-left-light-up-skecher and @ginger-ale-official also always have amazing shitposts. all of my mutuals are kings though so even if i didn’t name you, your blog rocks

28. Suzi Quatro- What do you look like right now?

well right tf now, i’m sitting at my dining room table like a gremlin wearing sweatpants and a shirt from my school, i also recently got another haircut so i kind of look like a groupie from like 1977

28. Motley Crue- What are your favorite brands? (Define your sense of style)

i don’t really have a favorite brand, i just look around and wear whatever i like. my style is very basic, usually just a band t shirt with jeans and converse and cool earrings. i’m trying to have more hippie vibes though so i made a bunch of tie dyed shirts and i will definitely be wearing those once i finish them

29. Neil Young- Do you play any instruments?

yeah i play guitar, i’m pretty bad at it though. i’m working on getting better but my progress is really slow at the moment

30. Rainbow- What’s better, day or night?

i like night vibes a lot better, so night

31. Joan Jett- Sexual orientation?

demisexual, but also straight so idk

32. The Misfits- Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

i have 2 piercings in each earlobe and i might get one more. i’m not old enough to get tattoos yet but i definitely want to

33. Janis Joplin- In your opinion, what was the greatest time or era for music?

i think the best time was from like 1965 to 1990, which i know is pretty broad but there was so much good stuff going on in the music world.

34. Deep Purple- 3 of your greatest fears

failure, death of a loved one, and spiders

35. The Tragically Hip- 6 things you want to accomplish

omg i don’t even know if i have six, but i want to go on tour with my band someday. i would also love to release an album, hopefully several. graduating college is also very important to me so i want to do that. i would also love to work for a newspaper or a radio station someday as a journalist

36. Aerosmith- Favorite celebrity? Least favorite?

my favorite is probably either john mulaney or steve carell, they just seem so cool and actually nice. there are so many i don’t like but my least favorite is probably kid rock, he sucks

37. Johnny Cash- Are you a religious person?

not really. i was raised catholic but i don’t really vibe with christianity so i kind of just believe whatever. it’s honestly kind of hard for me to explain

38. The White Stripes- Are you close with your family?

kind of, i love my family but also they get on my damn nerves. i look forward to moving out when i can love them from a safe distance

39. Madonna- Describe your crush

i don’t even have a crush right now!!!!! the only people i like are eddie van halen and john paul jones, who are both over 50 years older than me

thanks for the ask anon

[kitten1618x]

GoT Afterthoughts ep. 08x01 ‘Winterfell’(Part 2)

Okay, well now that I’ve gotten some sleep, let us continue, shall we?

~

So we left off with the Great Hall sass-fest between Dany and Sansa, who clearly have gotten off on the wrong foot. Not gonna lie, I’m enjoying this jealous, very snappy side of Sansa. Remember when I told you all last season that it would take the threat of Dany encroaching upon what Sansa perceived as hers — her home, her closeness with Jon and her place by his side — for us to start seeing her feelings begin to emerge? Well my friends, I believe its begun, and it’s only going to get worse as the season progresses. Sophie did say that Sansa’s fight this season was a more passionate one...

~

As for Dany’s reply? I’m sure that I don’t have to tell y’all how highly inappropriate it was. Not that i begrudge homegirl a saucy clapback, but that’s probably not the best thing to tell an entire room full of people who don’t particularly trust you yet, and know how dangerous and unpredictable your dragons are. And let’s not forget that the dragons actually have eaten people before, so it’s really nothing to joke and/or scoff about. For me, it harkens on Jorah’s comments in the season 7 finale regarding why the Dragon Pit was constructed...

~

“Dragons don’t understand the difference between what’s there’s and what isn’t. Land, livestock, children...”

~

So for Dany to make such a flippant statement just to get a one-up on Sansa isn’t a very bright move, imo.

~

We move out into the courtyard where Gendry has taken charge of the task of unloading the stock of Dragonglass. Tyrion watches him from the battlements, and spies Sansa and Lord Royce. Their reunion was always going to be awkward due to the circumstances they parted on, but I suppose Tyrion feels like there’s no time like the present to get it out of the way, and approaches them. Bless Lord Royce for watching out for Lady Stark. ❤️ He leaves only when she indicates that it’s alright.

~

They exchange some terse pleasantries, and Tyrion learns rather quickly that Sansa is no longer the meek young girl he once knew. While she remains polite, she doesn’t watch her tone nor shy away from saying exactly what’s on her mind. This is her home and he’s on her turf now.

~

They share a few barbs about the purple wedding and Sansa apologizes for leaving so abruptly. It’s really just a formality, and Tyrion knows it, judging by his reply. Is he resentful that she left him holding the bag? I’m not rightly sure, to be honest, and she doesn’t clarify on the circumstances she left under, either. He wasn’t back in season 4, but people do change, along with their perspectives.

~

“Many have underestimated you, most of them are dead now.”

~

Well if that isn’t some kind of ominous foreshadowing shit, I don’t know what is? It’s also the truth, so Team Dracarys beware!

~

Tyrion attempts to quell the fear he’s certain she must have about the Lannister army coming to Winterfell, and Sansa calls him out for trusting Cersei. He tries to explain that he believes this time is different because Cersei has something to live for now. I know everyone thinks this is a nod to the possibility of Cersei being pregnant — but what if it’s something else? What if it’s her revenge that’s keeping Cersei going? It has in the past... I mean, this is Cersei we’re talking about, and at this point I’m just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. lol

~

In any event, Sansa gives a subtle shake of her head and leaves him with some striking words that are sure to cut Tyrion deep in his pride (beings that he ‘drinks and he knows things’ and puts a lot of stock in his own perceived cleverness): “I used to think you were the most cleverest man alive.” Ouch.

~

My girl is really out here snatching these wigs left and right!

~

Sansa walks off leaving Tyrion to ice that sick burn... perhaps he can cool it with that frigid stare Bran is giving him from the courtyard below? Methinks something is amiss, and methinks Bran is gonna be pulling the receipts soon. Either way, it’s hard not to be a little freaked out by Bran, and Tyrion certainly looks the part here.

~

We move to the Godswood where Jon stands alone before the heart tree. He looks upset. I mean, he is Broody McBroodster and all, but what’s got my precious snowflake son so pensive? He did manage to secure ‘the greatest army the world has ever seen and two large dragons’ after all, and (supposedly) spent the last month ‘balls deep’ in his auntie D, so what could be troubling him? How long do you guys have? lol AND WHERE THE FUCK IS GHOST?

~

Arya sneaks up on him, telling him he used to be taller, and my heart just grew three times its size. 💗 They lunge into a hug reminiscent of the first season when they parted ways as young, naive Starklings, and dear lord, either I’m the grinch who stole Christmas, or I better call a cardiologist!! Jon even squeezes his eyes shut and looks like he’s fighting back tears! Gahhhhhhhh!!!!!

~

Of course Jon sees that Arya still has Needle. He asks if she’s used it yet, and she... omits the truth. For whatever reason, Arya isn’t ready to share this part of herself with Jon yet, and it makes my heart hurt so much for her loss of innocence. AND THESE MOTHERFUCKERS BETTER LEAVE MY REMAINING STARKLINGS ALONE IS2G!!

~

Jon shows off Longclaw, and jfc, these two dorks look so cute with their matching Ned Stark hairdos and their dramatic-ass eyebrows, here beneath the heart tree in Winterfell, and ahhhhhhhh! Okay, okay, I’m done gushing... for now.

~

Anyway, shits about to get a little weird here... Jon gestures with his hand then bends down, placing that hand on Arya’s shoulder and pulls her in as if he’s about to share a secret and asks where she was before, ‘cos he coulda used her help earlier with Sansa. I say weird because that’s the vibe I got, especially when Arya physically turns her head to look at his hand when he places it there, like she’s onto him or something. She even knows exactly what he’s referring to when she states very matter-of-factly, “she doesn’t like your Queen, does she?”

~

It’s all very condescending (and cut me some slack, because I’m not even sure that’s the right word here) — but his mannerisms, the way he sort of mocks Sansa about thinking she’s smarter than everyone, then seems taken aback when Arya defends her—when Jon, himself, knows damn well that Sansa is quite smart, and has even said so.

~

I was ready to climb into my tv and box Jonathan’s ears until it dawned on me just how isolated he must feel right now. The man has literally given up everything for what he holds most dear: his family and the North, only to be met with disappointment from those he cares the most about. And yes, especially Sansa, whom he constantly seeks validation from. His brooding in the Godswood makes a bit more sense now, as does his need to get his old confidant ‘sibling’ on his ‘side’—however immature it may be.

~

I could be wrong, of course, but my opinion only solidifies when Arya tells him that Sansa is only defending her family, and Jon suddenly drops the act and replies softly, “I’m her family, too.”

~

With a small smile, she pulls her needy validation-seeking big bro back in for another hug and tells him, “Don’t forget that,” as the camera pans back on Jon’s face and we see the emotional impact her words have on him as he squeezes his eyes shut.

~

We cut to Kings Landing where Cersei watches the arrival of Euron’s Fleet. Qyburn brings her the news that the AotD have broken through the wall, as to which she replies with an emotionless, “Good,” before we cut to Euron sharing words with the commander of the Golden Company.

~

He goes below deck to taunt Yara a bit — ‘blah blah blah, and balls and first I’m gonna fuck the queen.’ And I do love Euron, and I don’t know why, but he talks way too fucken much and doesn’t really say much of anything.

~

Cersei receives them in the throne room and is very disappointed that the Golden Company didn’t bring the elephants she was expecting. She dismisses them, but Euron has other ideas (as he expressed to his niece earlier on the ship). Cersei basically tells him to piss off with an excellent quote if I may say:

~

“If you want a whore, buy one. If you want a queen, earn her.”

~

But she’s not the only one prone to manipulating situations, and I get the feeling she knows that Euron’s loyalties are sketchy at best — and so we are given the impression that she relents, when she turns back, and Euron makes it past the Mountain unscathed.

~

Now we’re in Bronn’s room—whom I guess has taken up residence within the Red Keep? He’s about to get his 4-way on, but the girls keep chatting on about the Lannister soldiers that were maimed by Drogon in the field of fire 2.0 — specifically Eddie, a ginger boy who’s eyelids were burned right off. I assume this was one of the young boys Arya met on her way to kill the queen before she changed her mind? Probably Ed Sheeren.

~

~

Arya is not going to be happy about this.

~

Qyburn interrupts this tepid display of GoT sex (still hotter than floppy chicken sex) with a special request from the queen. He’s got the crossbow Tyrion used to kill Tywin, and a mission for Bronn. Will he carry it out? Change sides? Is this possibly how the kidnap!plot unfolds (for those of you who have considered it)? Only time will tell.

~

And speaking of such — I’m only 30 minutes into the episode and this has gotten looooooong again. Have I always been this long-winded in my recaps?

~

I’m gonna go ahead and publish this since it’s already a day late. Maybe I’ll have the whole recap finished before the new episode airs?! KIDDING! But seriously, I’m sorry guys... battling illness myself with sick kids and I’m trying here, I swear!!

[jackthebard]

Humans are Indomitable

Viltor of the C’lorix Interstellar Fleet quickly became familiar with a small tradition on the Monte Cristo within a week of their joining the crew as part of the Interstellar Alliance Exchange Program: you settle your beef on the mat.

Of course, it took a bit of explaining from Seaman Terry Hoyt to make the phrase clear to him. “More or less,” Seaman Hoyt explained as the crew that cared to take part in such a thing gathered in in the gym just before evening mess one week, “If you have a problem with someone on the ship, and they aren’t an officer, you can fight it out.”

This seemed like a gross violation of protocol and regulations to Viltor, but he was here to observe, learn, and understand human behavior as best as he could before he returned to he C’lorix Interstellar Fleet.

Most of the bouts went without much incident until Petty Officer Hannah Valmont stepped into the ring with an Urare.

The Urare’s name was Xonn, and he was, as Hoyt put it none too delicately, “a big motherfucker.” Using human measurements, Viltor estimated that Xonn was at least ten feet tall and weight nearly five times as much as Petty Officer Valmont. As a general rule, Urare were heavily muscled, patched with chitinous plates much like the C’lorix, and reptilian while the C’lorix were insectoid.

“What is your trouble, little girl?” Xonn asked as he stepped into the ring.

“You keep on ignoring me when I give you a direct order. I don’t know how they do it in the Urare High Fleet, but when someone smaller than you gives you an order, an appropriate response is not ‘I couldn’t hear you from all the way down there.’ It’s that you fucking do it,” Valmont replied as she cracked her knuckles. “I don’t want insubordination going on your permanent record, so I’m just going to kick your ass.”

Viltor wondered what she thought she was going to accomplish. You could count the number of species that could beat an Urare in hand-to-hand combat using only single digits, and Xonn was a particularly large member of the species.

The fight was over in about five seconds, and went the way that one could have expected. Even with Xonn holding back, a kick like that had probably cracked a couple of ribs and sent Valmont to the infirmary.

“What was the purpose of that?” Viltor asked Hoyt after Valmont had been carried out.

“She’s got a point. We’ll see what it is eventually,” Hoyt said with a shrug.

The next week, the challenge was issued again and, even though Valmont was moving a little stiffly from her newly-healed ribs (the medtechs in the infirmary knew what they were dong), she lasted much longer than the first time. Fifteen seconds after the fight began, she was on her back with Xonn’s meaty hand pinning her to the mat. She’d even managed to get a good hit in on Xonn’s ankle, and he favored that leg when he walked out.

So it went for another week, another two, three, four weeks, with Valmont lasting a little longer each time. The fifth week, things changed.

Valmont issued her challenge again, citing an instance earlier that day when she had put Xonn on duty in the motor pool where he had pretended that he hadn’t heard her until she’d started shouting at him. Something like firelight danced in Xonn’s eyes, as if amused by the memory.

“Little girl,” Xonn said as he stepped past his fellow crewmates and stared down at her from nearly twice her height, “You know how this will end: exactly how it has ended four times before.”

“You never know when something will change,” Valmont replied. The ref started the match and Viltor quickly saw that things had.

Valmont’s first move was to dive between his legs and launch a kick at the back of one of Xonn’s knees, which dropped him down to the ground. She recovered in time to avoid a sweep of his hand, then brought his other leg down so she could jump onto his back.

“Crazy little spider monkey,” Hoyt said in admiration, a smile growing on her face. Viltor watched in awe, only vaguely nagged by the notion that there was apparently a hybrid between an arachnid and a primate on Earth. As if the planet couldn’t get any weirder.

Valmont climbed up Xonn’s back until her knees were on the Urare’s shoulders, and her fingers hooked under the brow ridge of his cranial plate. She began to pull with her entire body.

Xonn started screaming, and dropped down to the ground, unable to move, and after a few more seconds of that, his hand slammed twice on the mat like the thumping of a massive drum.

Valmont let go and crouched down in front of Xonn before she asked, “Are you going to respect my orders when I give them, now?”

“Yes, Petty Officer,” Xonn said, his voice still pained. He rose to his feet and tilted his head back in order to bare his throat, an Urare sign of submission.

Viltor just watched in awe. “How... did she do that?”

“Let me share with you a secret about humans, Viltor, Hoyt said as the crowd dispersed, muttering about what had happened. “You leave us alive after pissing us off, and that will be the greatest mistake you ever make. Knock us down, we keep on getting up and we keep on coming.

“If you want to stop a human from holding a grudge, you have only two options,” Hoyt explained, holding up two of the appendages called “fingers,” “Either you apologize, or you put us in the ground.”

[anonymous-wolf22]

Survey 8

Last time you were attacked by an animal?

Today, about 6 hours ago.

Are you paranoid all the time or just during the night?

Neither.

Have you ever dated someone without knowing their name?

No, why the fuck would anyone do that?

Has a stranger ever asked for your phone/cell number?

No.

Would you help a friend bury a dead body?

Yes. Depending on which friend.

Do you have bad posture?

Sometimes.

Have you ever spelled the word ‘grammar’ wrong?

No, I’m a fucking great speller.

If someone cusses/swears a lot, do you assume they have bad grammar?

No, you know what they say about assuming things, you just make an ass out of u and me.

Is there someone you are avoiding?

Yes.

Is there someone that is avoiding you?

.....

Would you only date people that have the same skin tone as you?

FUCK NO!!! Racist motherfucker.

Are your parents/guardians picky about who you date?

Heh, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but not them. They can fuck off.

If you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, how much do you really eat?

A lottttt

If you need to ask a question in class do you raise your hand?

Used to. That’s what like everyone’s teachers wanted them to do in school.

How about speak out loud?

No, we would’ve gotten in trouble for that.

How many times have you been engaged (if any at all)?

Just once, and it’s the best thing ever~

What do you think of the United States?

Ew, fuck. I absolutely hate it. Get me outta this fucking country now please.

Is the United States really the best country in the world?

Definitely not. My answer is a biased answer though.

Do you know where your femur is?

I...think so....?

Do you believe everything you read?

No.

Do you have to see something to really believe it?

Depending on what we’re talking about.

Have you ever gotten so dehydrated that you passed out?

Yes.

If your friend was being cheated on, would you tell them?

Fuck yeah. It wouldn’t be nice to let my friend get hurt like that. It’s easier to tell them sooner rather than later. 

Are you allowed to go off school campus to eat lunch?

Only when we were Juniors. That was the minimum grade for it.

Have you ever been called something and you didn’t know what it meant?

I think so, yeah.

Do you believe everyone is gifted with something?

Yes.

Are you sick and tired of life?

Eh, so-so.

Are you loving life?

Not really life itself, but what I have gotten out of being alive~

Have you ever been busted for underage drinking?

Have yet to drink.

Would you ever change your whole appearance?

If my boyfriend wanted me to, yes, in an instant.

Do you easily give into peer pressure?

No.

Do you have a picture of you and your lover kissing?

Not yet~

Would you become a mathematician if you could?

Fuck no, I hate math and I’m terrible at it.

Have you witnessed a fight at school?

Yes.

Have you ever wanted to grab someone by the throat and squeeze until their head explodes?

Yessss.

Anywho, what’s your favorite movie?

Suicide Squad 1 and Deadpool 1 & 2.

Any movies you’re just dying to see?

Lord of The Rings.

How’s the love life?

Fuck, best thing ever~

Do you have a messy signature?

Not really.

What color are your nails at the moment?

They aren’t colored.

When’s the last time you got a text?

Like 10 minutes ago.

What song is currently resonating through your ear drums?

Hold On - Chord Overstreet and Baby Don’t Cut - Bmike.

What’s your greatest fear?

Being separated from my fiance and dying alone.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

4.

Would you consider yourself morbid?

Yes.

Do you keep your nails long or short?

I have a habbit on chewing my nails, but I do want them to be semi-long.

What was the last thing you said out loud?

"She said 11 pm! Where did you get 9 pm from?!”

What was the last thing you stopped yourself from saying?

That I want to move to England.

Who was the last person to call you baby?

My fiance~

Does your name begin with the letter J?

No.

C?

No.

R?

No.

K?

Yes.

S?

No.

Do you need a shower at the moment?

No.

Do you use Bing.com?

No.

What’s the last thing you looked up on any search engine?

’Surveys | Bold what applies to you’

Have you ever considered a career as a porn star?

Nope.

What was the last lie you told?

That I don’t have a partner/boyfriend/fiance/SO

Do you remember the last thing you typed in a Word document?

Yeah, it was another survey that was private for my fiance.

How many pictures do you have saved on your computer?

Of me? None. Of anime/other things? Tons.

Would you consider yourself artistic?

Maybe.

Has anyone told you that you were a good writer?

Nope.

^Do you believe them?

Believe what?

What all do you have pierced?

Ears.

Are there any piercings your currently waiting to get?

No.

What color is your phone?

Gray. 

When was the last time you sneezed?

The other day.

When was the last time you shaved?

Last night.

What’s the longest you’ve ever had your hair?

It's at it's longest right now, halfway down my back.

Are you sleepy at the moment?

No.

What can you see through the window closest to you?

Barely anything, it’s too dark. But I kind of see my mailbox and G-MA’s car.

Have you ever just wanted a re-do on life?

No.

Who/what did you last take a picture of?

My cat.

Do you take pictures of yourself just for Myspace or Facebook?

No.

What were you like 5 years ago?

I was 16 and a major bad boy/play boy and emo.

10?

I was 12, and was very silent.

15?

I was 7 and in love with Usher.

Have you ever wanted a mohawk? A real, 2-foot tall, multicolored mohawk?

No.

When was the last time you spent over $10.00?

Oh, $10, I thought it said $10,000 lol. That would be yesterday’s groceries.

Take a guess - do you have more pairs of socks or underwear?

Socks.

Do you think you could hop on one leg to your kitchen without falling?

Yes, I have good balance - my cat on the other hand..... just knocks my books down as I’m writing this ;-;

Right now, are you wearing eyeliner?

No.

Are you better or worse off than you were two years ago?

Eh, better I guess.

As a kid, what was your favorite playground activity?

The Monkey Bars.

Who do you wish karma would bite in the ass?

My ENTIRE Family!

Have you ever given yourself a google diagnosis when you were sick?

Probably.

Could you (willingly) go ten days without touching a computer?

No, because that would be 10 days of not talking to my fiance.

Have you ever dropped anything in a toilet on accident?

I keep having a vague memory of dropping toilet paper in the toilet....but I don’t really know for sure.

BAM! Chocolate no longer exists. Do you miss it?

GIVE IT BACK YOU MONSTER!!!!!

What is the most annoying sound in your opinion?

Hmmm.... I don’t really know.

QUICK! Fill in the blanks: I wish that _______ would kiss me right now.

My fiance~

Who have you texted today?

My fiance.

Who did you last have over your house, why were they there?



...John, ugh. He was here to help my grandma with life insurance stuff, he works at State Farm and is a ‘friend’ of the family.

What was the last thing to piss you off?



Me. Cause I fell asleep.

Recently, who in your house has gotten on your nerves the most?



Shit, that’s a tie between my brother and my Mom.

What all has pissed you off today, if anything at all?


Not much, just the dogs that tried to bite me when I was riding my bike down the road today.

What does the 10th text in your inbox say?

That a new chapter to a fan-fiction book series I’m reading was released.

How about the 20th sent text?



Haven’t sent anything.

Out of all of your friends, who have you gotten in the worst fight with?



Hmm, probably David. When he had a migraine and told me he was going to lay down and I messaged him like 30 minutes later :( I regret it.

Who was the last person to have to deal with you having an attitude?



My Mom.

If you had $100, how would you spend it?



Is that enough to buy a plane ticket to England?

What’s something you would love to have happen right now?



To move to England and cuddle with my fiance.

You were given the opportunity to get a new cellular device, what do you choose?



Any phone, as long as I could text and send images to my fiance.

How nice of a person are you, honestly?

I'm nice, yeah. But piss me off and you'll be sorry.

What good things have happened today?



Me and my fiance talked.

Is there something you should be doing right now, besides this survey?



Eh, sleeping.

Who was the last person you made plans with?


My Mum.

How many days until your birthday?

I can't be bothered counting, but it's 5 months away.

How old was the last person you kissed?

Haven’t kissed anyone yet.

When do you usually get up in the morning?

Depends on when I go to bed. Varies from 2 am to 6 pm usually.

Where is your favorite place to be when you are sad?

In the dm’s with my fiance.

Do you have any nicknames?

K, (fiance’s nicknames for me:) Kitten, Kitty~

Who was the last person to make you smile?

My fiance.

What color is the floor in the room you are in?

It’s a carpet that’s like a dark-blue-gray-mix.

Have you ever been in a confessional?

??

Do you have blue eyes?

Yes.

Do you have red hair?

No.

Are you Jewish?

No.

Are you taller than 5’6?

Nope ;-;

Are you closer in age to a 10 year old or a 30 year old?

30.

Have you ever broken a finger?

Yes.

What color was the last car you were in?

Red.

Do you have a curfew?

I’m 22, wtf do you think??

Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend?

Yep.

What month were you born?

July.

How long is your hair?

Halfway down my back.

Do you prefer baths or showers?

Either or.

What would you do if your parents died suddenly?

I can’t wait, I’d be celebrating.

How old will you be in 7 years?

29.

What is the closest holiday to your birthday?

July 4th, Independence Day.

Was today a good day?

Yeah.

What does your last incoming text say, who was it from, and how do you feel about that person?

It;s from twitch notifying me that a channel I followed has went live. And I feel nothing to them.

Did you have a New Year’s kiss?

No.

Are there any words that you cannot pronounce or that you pronounce incorrectly?

Yep.

After a long day at work or of doing something physical what tends to hurt more? Your back or your feet?

My Legs and feet.

Do you have a smart phone? If so, what’s your favorite app?

Nope.

Who would you say is the overall best person you know, and why?

My fiance~ Because, I know everything about him, and I would die for him or kill for him, I don’t do that for many people.

If you had to choose between being a nurse or an English teacher which would you choose and why?

English, because I like spelling.

Do you have a specific gas station you usually go to? Or do you stop wherever?

----

How much older than you was the oldest person you have dated/had a relationship with?

I am 22 and he is 29~ You do the math.

Is anything stressing you out at the moment?

No.

What is your opinion on dating someone who already had a child/children from a previous relationship?

It doesn’t bother me, in fact, bring them on over :3 I love and adore kids, and can’t wait to adopt. Heck, my fiance already has a son and even though I have yet to meet him face-to-face, I already consider him mine~

Have you ever actually found a mascara that makes a huge difference for your lashes?

I don’t wear ANY make-up.

Would you rather have one or two great facial features that stand out, or have just an overall pretty face but have no special features?

Overall pretty.

Do you have any plans for Valentine’s Day? Did you do anything last Valentine’s Day?

No, just bought chocolate for da fam.

Do you check your horoscope daily? If so, did you relate to your horoscope at all today?

Never done it.

When you need to remember something how do you usually go about doing so?

Putting it on the calendar.

How would you describe someone that is your type of guy/girl?

My fiance of course~ Tall, strong, loves gaming, loves kids and the idea of a family, older than me, is a sadist~ Full on bad side, and is the Alpha to My Beta~

Have you recently accomplished anything that you are proud of yourself for?

Just avoiding death earlier today thanks to those doggos.

Are you still friends with any of your exes? Do you still communicate with any of them at all?

Yes and no. It’s complicated.

What is your opinion on people that shop at Sephora for makeup as opposed to buying makeup from the drugstore?

?

Do you live on your own or with your parents/a roommate? Do you think you’d like to live alone?

I live with my family currently. Can’t wait till I move to England though, then I will be with my fiance forever~

How often would you say you use Microsoft Word?

Only when I feel like it or need to.

How often do you typically change your bra?

I don’t wear bra’s.

What is the last online purchase you made?

Nothing.

Do you usually have bad symptoms around “that time of the month”?

I’m a guy ;-;

Is there anyone you have to see on a daily/weekly basis that you really dislike?

.....

Is your hair thick or thin? Would you say it’s easy to manage?

It was thin for awhile but now it’s becoming more thick. And it’s okay.

Have you ever had to deal with any type of long distance relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship or a friendship?

Yes, I’m currently in one. I’m in USA and my fiance is in England, like 5k miles away. (love you baby~)

Are you procrastinating doing anything right now?

Editing my next video to upload on YouTube.

How do you feel about being called sweetie/dear/honey/etc.?

I love it!

Have you ever had a thing for/relationship with a coworker? How did it end?

Don’t have a job yet.

What would you say is your worst habit?

Chewing on my nails or unintentionally avoiding my friends.

Do you have a place you go to a lot that you may be considered “a regular” at?

Probably.

What is the weather currently like where you live?

It's calm and clear and cloudless. It's 12 am.

Do you have any plans for Mardi Gras?

Don’t know.

[kapanbenernya]

Horizon: Zero Dawn -- There’s Only One or Two Giant Dinosaurs

Did you know that I own a PS4? Of course you don’t, why the fuck should you care? I’m literally a stranger on the internet that communicates to you via an internet post floating on the information superhighway like a piece of turd lost in the everflowing sea of turds in a septic tank. But enough rambling on the subject of human feces and back to the topic at hand, I own a PS4.

I used to own the PS2 and I remember having a CD holder shaped like a thick book that holds all my PS2 DVDs, and I remember it being filled to the brim until I have to double-stack the DVDs or else it won’t fit. So why did I bring this up? Because I want to compare that to my PS4 library which consists of 4 blu-rays. No I’m not fucking kidding, I only got 4 games, two of which are a copy of Bloodborne that I had to buy twice because I bought the wrong fucking region and the DLC won’t connect. 

Maybe right now you’re asking yourself, “What’s with the rambling man?” and well... Here’s the thing, I’m gonna be honest from the start: I wasn’t that into Horizon: Zero Dawn (HZD). I bought it just as a filler, to bulk up my library of PS4 exclusives. So yes, I just wasted two paragraphs explaining that I didn’t buy HZD because I think I’ll enjoy it, I bought HZD just to own it and maybe get a kick out of it or two.

Oh well, let’s talk about the game anyway

In this game, you play as Aloy, a woman without a mother in a tribe that places value on matriarchy, which is why she is branded an outcast by her tribe. Wait what? Doesn’t matriarchal society puts more privilege and power on women? So why was she shunned? She’s a woman! Shouldn’t she be given power instead of you know, kicked out?

Something tells me this tribe doesn’t respecc whamen as much as they think they do

But Aloy isn’t all alone in this cold cruel robotic world, she’s got a foster dad whose name I already forgot. I mean it’s not my fault, he’s not that important anyway. All he does is teach Aloy everything she ever knew so that she can go to the yearly outcast acceptance tryouts, nothing important there. Sarcasm aside, it’s still kinda true that his only purpose in the game is to be the plot advancing sacrificial lamb. No spoiler alert needed! His death flag has been raised ever since he become the parental figure of the protagonist, kinda like Batman’s parents or Uncle Ben. 

But no worries, his sacrifice wasn’t in vain because Aloy finally gets accepted into the tribe! By virtue of being the sole survivor of the test because some tribe of edgy fuckboys killed everybody else. And not long after, some killer robots showed up at the door, late to party and and thrashed the place up some more. With the tribe left in tatters, Aloy is appointed as a scout and sent into the world to figure out the threat that looms over the world. Also, Aloy may or may not have been born from a mountain and now have a personal quest of finding out about her origin. And if she had extra time, probably find out whatever it is the old Shaman smoked until she came to the flawless logic that mountains can give birth to humans.

The threat is, as usual: robots gone apeshit

Have I mentioned that the setting of the world is a post-apocalyptic world where people formed tribes and most animal have been replaced by robots? So yeah, two very important aspect of the HZD world. Anyway, the robots and the humans live happily among each other, and by that I mean they kill each other every time their gaze meet. But so far, things have been manageable as long as the humans stay the fuck away from the robot’s territory and vice versa. 

Let me explain about the robots a bit. The robots are various versions of wild animal replacements: stags, bulls, leopards, hawks, saber-toothed tigers, giant fire-breathing chickens, and 30-foot tyrannosaurus rex with frickin’ laser beams.

We all know the mastermind behind the fucking dino, don’t we?

As you can see from my incomplete list alone, the robot variety is rather robust. And the variety is supported by the uniqueness of each robot species. Every robot has different weaknesses based on elements and since the design of each robots is largely varied, the locations of the weak points can be very different. I can see the love and care that went into designing each species, and it shows. Although I gotta admit the herbivores are kind of boring when compared to the carnivores. The herbivores are kinda samey and lame, all you get to do is maybe ride it to town and turn some primitive heads. Meanwhile, the carnivore’s got all the nice toys. The kind of toys that shoots laser and kills people. And guess what? You can shoot the turret off with an arrow then you can pick it up and fire it up their tail pipes.

Now I gotta say, the first time I see the robots, I was like “fuckin’ sold, this shit is G U C C I”. But then after I actually play the game and have come face to face with a lot of them, I wasn’t into them anymore. I don’t know why, but I find the enemies boring after a while. Perhaps its because somehow I find fighting the animal bots has become a chore and not a fun activity to do. I mean the animal bots tend to flock together, so you’re almost always outnumbered, and the bots usually can kill you in a few smacks. This results in a lot of untimely deaths during what I thought would be a sunny stroll in the meadows. Also I think the big machines have too much health. As you can see, I don’t think this is a good thing, the same way a rubber tire isn’t an excellent snack just because you can chew it longer. However, you can actually make all of these problems go away if you choose to stealth it up and crouch like the little bitch that YOU ARE. Hey, dev-person-man-guy-thing, nobody in their right mind looks at a robot T-Rex and say, “Boy, I can’t wait to stealth crouch around this bad boy”. You know what we wanna do? We wanna ride it, or kill it, or ride it AND THEN kill it. Maybe take down a few rival tribes in the process.

And that’s just the fuckin animal bots, there’s also the war bots that looks like a cereal box that grew spider legs. Not only is it visually boring, it’s also plays like shit. Either you have to go play hide and seek with it or it’ll blast you with piss like you’re a really tough shit-stain on the toilet bowl. But the worst of the worst has got to be the human enemies. Fucking hell, in a world filled with creative animal robots, adding human enemies will just bring the standard down. They’re boring to look at, boring to fight against, and just plain stupid. I hate how the so-called “stealth kill” alerts every motherfucker in the area. I hate how you can’t stealth kill the “elite enemies” until you unlock a certain skill. In short, I just hate humans in general.

Not in real life, mind you, I’m a God-fearing peace loving man of the people, man.

Great, since I’ve run out of places to spank HZD, I’m just gonna randomly list all of its best parts.

I like how we can grab some healing items that can be used on-the-go in an instant, and I like how it can be easily found in the wilds like some drive-through salad. What I don’t think I like is how the plants aren’t that easy to differentiate from one another. I mean if I’m gonna make a jump, roll, tumble, and scoot myself down a goddamn hill while dodging lasers fired from a turret mounted on a 20-foot robot tyrannosaurus, that plant better be the healing plant instead of that useless resist fire plant. 

Another thing I like about the game is the weapons. There are quite a variety of weapons at your disposal, and it’s the good kind of variety. The kind of variety that makes each weapon had a distinct feel and different purpose, and I like them all. My favorite is the the tripwire weapon that’s the greatest thing since the invention of fire. The sleeper hit was the sling that I thought was shit but it’s actually great because it can fire ice projectiles that immobilizes the big enemies and freeze their armor. 

This very very tight weapon system is also supported by your ability to craft ammo on the fly. This might seem like a trivial thing, but hear me out now: by enabling you to craft ammo mid-fight, the game makes sure that the pace isn’t halted by the fucking menu screen and you get to keep your focus and maintain the flow of the battle. Because you know what kills my combat boner when I’m in a middle of a tense fight against robot dinosaurs? Having to pause the game and open up the crafting tab because my arrows ran out.

That’s it, that’s about everything I can say about my experience playing the game. There are some things that I actually left out of my review like the world design, the characters, etc. It’s because I think that it’s not that important to mention or it’s just mildly mediocre and not worth reviewing.

In Brief

What’s wrong with me? Do I not like video games anymore? 10 years ago, all I had to do was fire up my PS2, boot up GTA: San Andreas and just grab a bike and cycle from Los Santos to Las Venturas and I was having fun. 5 years ago I finished Dark Souls after 2 years of git gud, and I didn’t let the difficulty break me. Now I’ve got a game filled with creative and challenging enemies, a big open world to explore, and a fuckin robot dinosaur for God’s sake. Why didn't I have fun with it? I don’t think I have an immediate answer for it, but at least I know there’s two possibilities. One, is that I AM actually losing my touch and I’m not that into video games anymore. Probably all this adult thing and living my life that’s gotten in the way. The other one is that my tastes has actually gotten better with time, and now I notice the intricacies and can distinguish whether a game is good or bad, and I simply did not want to waste my limited time with games that I didn’t really like that much, including HZD.

I guess we can learn something from the animal robot designs. No matter how well you design an element of a game; visually or audibly, it won’t be appreciated as much if it does not add much to the gameplay --or worse-- plays like shit. Because you ARE making a game, and all the elements that you design will ultimately be judged from how it feels as a game. You can paint the robots with naked titties, but if they’re boring to fight, people will still think of them as badly designed. As for the case of the war bots and the human enemies? Dogshit.

9/10/2018

[chibisquirt]

Further Adventures of Clint and Tony

Part One * Part Two * Part Three * Part Four

The Monaco trip did not go well.

“No, come on, what is this.  You’re going to trail me to the bathroom?  Really?  What, do I need hall pass?  Are you going to watch me tinkle?  Come on, get out of here, go--”

On the other hand, it could have gone much worse.

“In a crowd this size?  Security concerns are mind-boggling; I’ve already seen at least three guys capable of abducting you--”

“They can try.”  Tony was actually kind of scary when he growled like that.

“Yeah, try and succeed.” Clint rolled his eyes. “Look, I’m not going into the stall with you, just do your thing and we can get out of this shithole--”

Stark turned abruptly, pulling him into the bathroom and shutting the door behind them precisely as if he hadn’t just been protesting that very thing, sweeping the room with a glance Clint was just fast enough to spot this time.  “You don’t like it here.”  He sounded surprised and detached, as if one of his science-y experiment-type things had gone wrong in a way that was totally outside the realm of possible results.  As if Clint were a robot who, upon being instructed to put a wrench in a toolbox, had picked up the wrench and started dancing like it was a microphone:  unexpected, inexplicable, but possible fascinating...

Clint shrugged, uncomfortable with the amount of scrutiny Stark was giving him. “It’s not exactly my crowd,” he muttered, not meeting Stark’s eyes.  Clint always had worked best when he was able to observe from the shadows, something he possibly could have remembered before going to work for a guy with a constant nightlight strapped to his chest.

When he glanced up, Tony had looked away, too, almost as if he were feeling nervous about the conversation.  “Yeah,” he admitted.  “Not my favorite crowd, either.”  

There was silence in the washroom for a minute, interrupted by the faint drip drip drip of the faucet, not fully-turned-off by the last asshole who’d been in here, the faint roar of the cars passing by outside.  Clint felt himself moving backwards even as he stood still with his back pressed to the wall.  Why was Tony even here, he wondered, if he didn’t actually even like these people...?

Stark recovered first, of course.  “Let’s get out of here,” he commanded briskly.  “Come on, let’s go-- do you need to take a piss?  There’s a stall--”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going--” Clint said, and the mood was truly broken.  

That was definitely the part where he should have kept his mouth shut, he reflected on it, pressing his ice-pack more firmly into his aching calf.

“-- go check your blood sugar or whatever you do.”

Stark froze.  “What was that?”

Clint rolled his eyes.  “Or don’t, whatever.”  He turned away and tucked himself into a stall, and when he took a dump, he added a couple extra-noisy grunts, just to be obnoxious.

Yeah, this one was going down in history as “not his greatest series of decisions ever.”

Stark was gone by the time Clint left the stall, so silently that Clint didn’t even hear him go.

How the fuck was that motherfucker so quiet, anyway?!

By the time Clint got back to Potts, she was staring in helpless rage at the newscast showing Stark being wrapped into the car.  “Shit,” Clint breathed, and beat it like hell down to the track.

This is probably something Tasha would do differently, he thought, leaping barriers and shoving slow-moving assholes out of his goddamn way!  But then, Tasha’s cover is a secretary--

Clint had seen her in-character during the signing of the company over to Potts, and had been almost too horrified to burst into laughter.

-- whereas I am a shifty-ass ex-Carnie bodyguard, which means I do this-- 

He shoved past some jerkwad in a suit who was trying to object to him accessing the track.

--my-- 

He leaped the final gate, coming out into the track-area proper, only to turn and vault up on top of a small covered patio to get better sightlines.

--way!

So far, so good; no visible threats to Stark, aside from the hundreds of pounds of machinery which was going to rocket around a famously-difficult course at hundreds of miles per hour.  But at least Clint could clear the on- and off-staging area...  He scanned the crowd for threats, heart pounding in his throat, so focused that he almost (only almost) didn’t see the race actually start.

“At least he was winning the damned race,” Clint said out loud, scowling as he fished a piece out of the bag on his leg and crunched it.  “You know, before the homicidal maniac showed up.”

The mysterious figure who would later be revealed to be Ivan Vanko had stepped onto the track while Clint was still turned the other way, watching for Tony’s car.  It had been almost too late by the time he turned back, seeing the glow, the whips, the incredibly bad fashion choices...  

“I’m lucky Tony put me down as his bodyguard,” he admitted glumly to the ice pack.  “I should probably be in jail right now.”

Clint had made the judgement call and taken the shot, putting one in Vanko’s hip, close enough to the junk to give him pause as well as doing a hefty amount of damage while not outright killing Vanko (they might need to question him).  Vanko, not going down without a fight, had swung his whip at Clint, wrapping it around his leg and pulling hard enough to jerk Clint out of his nest.  

It worked, mostly; the distraction meant that Vanko was still in the road when the cars reached him.  He swung and took out two, but the rest kept moving, too fast to stop in time, barreling into him and doing all of the damage Clint had been afraid of earlier, when he was worrying about what would happen to Tony, instead.  

Now, Vanko was locked in a secured hospital facility, and Clint was benched in a hotel room with an ice pack and a furious Pepper Potts fielding calls about the incident outside.  

And meanwhile, Tony was visiting a confirmed homicidal maniac in the hospital.

This is not a great plan, Clint fumed to himself, and then started the angriest hunt for a television remote since that stakeout in Belgrade three years ago.

[tainbocuailnge]

Uh. Are you still doing the right nip mythology class thing? Will you tell me about the warp spasm thing you keep mentioning. It sounds cool and monster-y. (Sorry if this is already in the tag and I just missed it somehow, it is fuck AM and my brain is melting.)

BOI WILL I

disclaimer that i STILL haven’t managed to read any actual texts so all my sources are secondhand BUT retelling the story anyway is what mythology is all about

ok so as you probably already know cu chulainn was known as ulster’s greatest warrior not just because he was really good at this whole stabbing people with weapons thing but also because he absolutely did not die when he was killed ever. this is shown most iconically in the story of how he finally did actually die containing him tying himself to a rock with his own insides to keep fighting for 3 more days after he was gutted, and then his corpse moved one last time to chop a dude’s hand off anyway because nobody ever introduced the concept of stopping to this man.

now, besides just being really stubborn, the icing on the cake of Reasons Why Cu Chulainn Was Really Hard To Kill is that he had this habit of going into a battle frenzy called the riastrad, or warp spasm, named such because it would cause his entire body to violently spasm as it completely rearranged itself to be really fucking good at murdering everything in sight, after which he would go and murder everything in sight. cu chulainn was that asshole jrpg boss with a second 10x more powerful form except since he’s often the protagonist of the story that’s a good thing.

the best part and also the most FUN part is that it wasn’t even triggered by his hp getting low, it just happened when he got REALLY FUCKING PISSED and felt like going on a murderous rampage.

one time when he was still called setanta he accidentally walked into a football game he didn’t realise was being held and when the other kids got understandably mad at him for it he had a warp spasm and fucking obliterated them. the king of ulster, conchobar mac nessa, saw him do this and wisely thought to himself: “holy shit, the absolute madman” and went to talk to him because for some reason he expected this kid to respect authority and not supplex him through the earth’s crust too and miraculously he was right.

later that day setanta had made peace with those kids but only superficially and was busy obliterating them in a hurling match instead of fisticuffs to establish dominance. conchobar, again, thought to himself “the absolute madman,” and this time he also thought “what a fucking ledge,” and finally he also thought “I need to recruit this kid for my army” as if setanta had shown to be even remotely capable of cooperating with others. conchobar then invited this violent competitive maniac of a child to a feast that he, the king of ulster, and not this violent competitive maniac of a child, was invited to. setanta said “cool beans” and went to finish his hurling match first after which he proceeded to kill the host of the feast’s guard dog which got him a new name and a whole lot of popularity because back in ancient ireland violence was the number one method to obtain a promising career path.

the wildest and most famous account of the warp spasm is from when he was like 17, when connacht decided to invade ulster and he was the only warrior in the entire country of ulster who wasn’t down and out from this curse that caused the men to have really bad period cramps (either ulster wasn’t very big or the men were fucking weak). just one warrior! one single really fucking jacked 17 year old vs an entire army connacht had NO reason to listen to him when he demanded single combat but he is motherfucking cu chulainn and he has a reputation and they knew he’d go on a massacre and kill them all at once anyway if they said no so single combat it was. this went on for MONTHS. soon enough connacht was running out of soldiers that would still step forward to fight him and queen medb of connacht was running out of patience because there was no stopping this violent competitive maniac of a teenager.

eventually, months into the war, he passes out of exhaustion after 72 consecutive hours of fighting increasingly ridiculous monsters medb tried to pass off as totally legit soldiers. the connacht army breathes a collective sigh of relief. but does cu chulainn stay down? 

NAY

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK HE IS

LUGH, GOD OF LIGHT AND WAR AND CU CHULAINN’S FATHER, DESCENDS FROM THE HEAVENS, HEALS CU CHULAINN’S WOUNDS, AND FONDLY TELLS CU CHULAINN TO “GO GET EM CHAMP” AS CU CHULAINN TRANSFORMS INTO THE MOST HIDEOUS MONSTER HE’S BEEN SO FAR 

according to one text his legs turned around so that his knees pointed to the back, the muscles at his temples stretched all he way to his neck and became as large as a baby’s head, one of his eyes retreated into the back of his skull and the other one fell out and dangled in his face, the corners of his mouth stretched back to his ears, his lungs and liver flapped in his throat, he breathed fire, and his hair stood up in spikes sharp enough to impale someone. 

a lot of these transformations are actually really counterintuitive as far as becoming a finely oiled murder machine is concerned but the connacht soldiers were not about to tell cu chulainn how he was supposed to do his murdering.

ANYWAY he then goes on to do exactly what connacht had probably hoped to avoid by letting him fight all of them one on one which is go on a massacre and kill all of them at once anyway. he rampages for another full three days and builds up walls of corpses. when he’s finally calmed down again from that he goes right back to asking who’s going to solo him next and medb has to send out fergus because all the other connacht soldiers are too busy washing their pants after shitting themselves. conchobar, of course, was watching from somewhere safely behind the lines thinking about how he made a good move when he invited this absolute madman to that party.

AND THAT’S THE WARP SPASM cu chulainn is a violent maniac and I love him

[brido]

Shohei Othani, Babe Ruth, Hot Starts and Changing Projections

Babe Ruth the hitter will probably never make sense to me. He really shouldn’t make sense to anybody. If you’re reading this, you’re probably at least a little bit aware of his slugging statistics that all look like typos or hilarious lies we all tell ourselves to pat ourselves on the back for inventing baseball. In 1920, Ruth hit 54 home runs. Which is four more than any other American League team hit for the full season. And so forth and so on. In order for anyone to touch his single-season hitting records, you’d probably need a scenario where 80 years later, we all agreed that it was okay for the guy who was already the best player in baseball to get pumped full of the most advanced human growth hormones we had. And even in that scenario, Babe Ruth in the Twenties still makes absolutely no sense. 

But what about Babe Ruth the pitcher?

We’re gonna hear a lot about that guy this year. Especially if Shohei Othani keeps hitting three home runs in a week and then goes out on the mound and flirts with a perfect game in his next outing. Comparing anybody who isn’t Barry Bonds-on-clydsdale-semen to Babe Ruth is completely and unnecessarily unfair. But in this case, there’s really nobody else to compare him to. 

From 1914-1919, Babe Ruth was a starting pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. And yeah, he started getting a reputation for hitting massive home runs. And crowds were bigger on days Ruth pitched because they wanted to see him do more of that. He also had a reputation for being a bit of a maniac. In one outing in 1917, he walked the first batter he faced, got pissed enough at the umpire to throw a fucking punch at him. And then after he was ejected, Ernie Shore came in and retired 27 batters in a row. For the longest time, Shore’s performance was recorded as a perfect game. But as it stands now, it’s probably just the most bizarre combined no-hitter that’s ever happened.   

But there was also a time Ruth might have been the best left handed pitcher on the planet. In 1916, he pitched head-to-head against Walter Johnson five times and won four of those games. I’m not a Wins Guy, but that’s still impressive when the other guy is inarguably one of the five greatest pitchers of all time. Ruth also pitched a 14-inning complete game in the World Series that year. And he also led the league in ERA, Complete Games and Shutouts. And if you’re just looking at his stat line of a 1.75 ERA, a 2.43 FIP and a 4.5 WAR, taken completely out of context, that’s fucking Dwight Gooden in 1985, Greg Maddux in ‘94-’95, Pedro Martinez in 2000 shit. Yeah, it was in the Deadball Era that he single-handedly ruined. But look at his career stats, compared to surefire, First Ballot Hall of Famer, and GOAT, Mariano Rivera.       

Ruth.   1221.1 IP.  2.28 ERA  2.81 FIP 

Rivera. 1283.2 IP.  2.21 ERA  2.76 FIP

You just have to shrug. Ruth makes no sense. Ohtani makes no sense. But I think I’m gonna keep have fun trying.

Let’s go around the League. 

AL East.     

With the Red Sox blasting off a 10-2 record and the Yankees sitting just below .500, the projections in the East have already changed. The Red Sox are now projected at 96-97 wins to win the Division. And the Yankees are looking at 91-93 wins and another Wild Card. I’ll start bragging about calling that two weeks ago when any of the games are above 40-degrees. But this divisional race, plus another full-on brawl makes me giddy to watch this rivalry unfold over the rest of the season. Especially when Giancarlo Stanton figures it out. Homebody is not hitting well. He had another zero-hit, five-strikeout game this week. And nobody has ever had two zero-hit, five-strikeout games in a season before, let alone by the end of April. He never even had a four-strikeout game last year. Joe DiMaggio only struck out 13 times in 1941. Yogi Berra struck out 12 times in 1950. Stanton has 23 K’s through 13 games. It’s getting so much attention that nobody seems to be noticing that...

AL MVP: Didi Gregorius, New York Yankees.

Didi has the second-highest WAR in baseball right now. He also has the highest wOBA in the American League and highest wRC+ in the Majors. He’s also tied or leading in stats you’ve heard of like RBI, SLG and OPS.    

AL Central. 

The Indians have the worst batting average, on-base percentage and OPS in the Majors. And they’re still tied for first place. Because, and stop me if you’ve heard this, their pitching is fucking awesome. Also, check out Joe Mauer’s stats in Minnesota. Does anybody feel like talking about that? He’s hitting .412 and leading the Majors in OBP too. Or do we have to ignore everything about this division for as long as we can? Let me know. 

AL West.   

Everybody still seems to think the Astros are the best team in baseball by a wide margin. But the Angels are currently in first place. So if this keeps up, we might be looking at an even better playoff race than Yankees-Red Sox. And honestly, doesn’t Mike Trout deserve to have something nice at some point in his life? He’s just given us so, so much.  

AL Cy Young: Gerrit Cole, Houston Astros. 

It’s almost unfair. Right now Cole is tied for 5th in the League in WAR, he’s 3rd in ERA with a 0.64 and he leads the AL in FIP. If the Astros are going to become the ‘98 Yankees, he’s going to be the reason. 

AL Rookie of the Year: Shohei Ohtani, The The Angels Angels. 

I’d pick him if he was just a DH. I’d pick him if he was just a pitcher. At one point in the past week, he had more strikeouts than Max Scherzer and more home runs than Aaron Judge. We should probably all buy tickets to see him play in the real near future. 

NL East. 

Well, are we buying the Mets yet? At 10-1, they have the best record in baseball and their projections (87-88 wins) are pulling just about even with the Nationals (88-89). And the East Coast Media has decided to anoint new manager, Mickey Callaway as the greatest person to ever great. Almost like a bizarro version of Gabe Kapler in Philadelphia. Because, oh man, people hate that guy. I’m gonna hold off on calling for a rematch to the ‘86 World Series for the time being. Like I said earlier, every game looks like it’s being played on Hoth for tauntauns and wampas. I’m also gonna hold off calling for the Miami Marlins to move to Montreal. But that’ll probably be a thing I do later on in the season.  

NL MVP: Bryce Harper, Washington Nationals.     

Mr. April is locked in yet again. He’s leading the League in WAR and he’s been the second-best hitter (wOBA and wRC+) to Rhys Hoskins of the Phillies. Harper also leads the NL in Runs, Home Runs and Slugging. Get paid, young Bryce. 

NL Cy Young: Max Scherzer, Washington Nationals. 

He leads the League in WAR, he’s second in FIP and he’s got an 0.90 ERA. Scherzer is the best pitcher in baseball. I get grouchy now when anyone tries to say it’s anyone else. Dude stole a base this week. Let’s see Corey Kluber do that. Pussy. 

NL Central. 

The Pirates are still projected at 80-83 wins. The Cubs are still projected at 92-93. It honestly doesn’t feel that way right now. Then again... now I wish I’d seen Frozen so I could make an amazing movie reference to how cold it is. But can you imagine Pittsburgh with Jameson Taillon AND Gerrit Cole right now? Yikes. But mostly I want to talk about that motherfucker, Yadier Molina. Man, I hate him. This week Yadi went batshit because Diamondbacks’ manager, Torey Lovullo, said, “That motherfucker is framing pitches” or something like that. And Yadi probably doesn’t like when people find out he has loveless sex with his own mother. Either that or it’s a figure of speech, Yadi. You tell me. What an idiot. You’re 35-years old and make $15 million a year. You can probably afford to take a lady out to a fancy dinner. You probably don’t need to keep boning your moms all day. You know, because he obviously does that shit. Really. I think I’m serious.   

NL West.    

Okay, fine. I’ll buy the Diamondbacks. Right now FiveThirtyEight only has them one game behind the Dodgers in their playoff projections. And I’ll wait another week to see if LA is still 26th in Runs, 20th in Batting Average, 25th in OBP, 24th in SLG... you get the point. Yasmani Grandal should probably not be the best player on the team if they want to win.  

NL Rookie of the Year: Joey Lucchesi, San Diego Padres. 

Nobody has really emerged in the NL to capture the baseball media’s attention. So I guess I’ll give Lucchesi a slight edge over Shane Carle of the Braves and Brian Anderson of the Montreal Miami Marlins. So this would be just as good of a time as any to remind you that Yadier Molina has the hots for his mom. 

Okay. See you next time when the weather isn’t ice dragons and Leonardo DiCaprio dying of hypothermia next to a sunken ship. If you want, I have a podcast with Joe Kilgallon that you can find on all the iTunes things. Til next time, don’t look at your mother that way, Yadi.  

[mojorising74]

I am a Monster.  Let me tell you why.

So, I have had many people really want to know why I didn’t enjoy The Last Jedi and I’ve held back answering because the film is fresh and I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s experience.  I did post a four word review of the film on Facebook (”That was... not good.”) and I was stunned to discover that this opinion was not a popular one.  Literally stunned.  So stunned I actually began to question my own thoughts on the film.

And taking some time away from the film and considering all the moments in the film I can recall, (I’ve only seen it once) I’ve decided to alter my review.

That was... really not very good.

So, here we go. I’m gonna break this down in the order as it was experienced by me.  I’m not gonna go back and edit this, so I apologize for typos. But I really don’t want to spend any more time on this then I have to.  This feels like my eulogy to Star Wars.  And I don’t want to linger here.

First off, the opening crawl.  This is a weird one, contested by many, except those in the theater with me.  The crawl was slanted, drifting slightly off to the right of the screen.  It was weirdly noticeable by everyone in my group.  We were slightly off to the left of center in the audience, but measuring the distance at the top of the screen to the scroll on our side vs the distance on the other side made us feel really confident that that the scroll was in fact slanted.  Like, Rian Johnson was putting his own slant on things (I see what he did there).  Or maybe the projector was tilted.  Either way, I missed the entire opening crawl because my brain opted to obsess over this detail.  I’m willing to accept most of the responsibility here, but yeah.  Slanted crawl pulled me out of Star Wars and made me think about how crawls were shot on a plate and how easy it would be to tilt the camera to give it a new cinematic flavor and blah blah blah.  Basically the slanted crawl had no bearing on my overall enjoyment of the film, other than I had retained nothing from the crawl going in and the movie was going to have to stand on it’s own cinematically, with no summary backstory.  

Good or bad, in the interest of full disclosure, I present this fact for your judgement.

Yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of review.

Right off the bat we get the first ESB call back of an evacuation shuttle leaving a planet while the First Order looms in the background.  From the trailers, I’m already expecting an AT-AT walker snow planet battle, so immediately I’m put on the defensive that the film is not gonna learn from criticisms of The Force Awakens and is going to attempt a rehash of “greatest hit” moments from the greatest Star Wars film.  George Lucas referred to this as “poetry” when he recalled certain elements in the prequels, saying “They rhyme.”  The new films seem to be seriously leaning in to this theory, but it feels like fan service rather than nuanced storytelling.

I’m disappointed by this but it is in no way a deal breaker.  Back to the movie.

Poe, by himself with no squadron waiting, decides to face off the First Order’s new weapon (The Dreadnaught) by flying his tiny x-wing to meet them.  We are then subjected to a laurel and hardy routine sponsored by Verizon Wireless, where General Hux is made out to be a total buffoon and completely incompetent.  (People will remember that one of everyone’s favorite part of the prequels was how the robot army was totally incompetent and easily out smarted by our clever heroes.  Or, the opposite of that.)  

But this scene also made me wonder about the intelligence of our hero as well.  He flies out to meet the star destroyers and only then does he decide to charge up his boosters for his daring plan?  “But Carl, he was playing it by ear!”  No, the generals on the resistance ship clearly know what his plan is and disapprove.  So, Poe actively decides to show up for this fight completely unprepared.  But whatever.  That’s a nit pick.  I know that, but these things start to weigh on me.  See, it wasn’t a story element that he needed more time to charge the boosters, it was a purposefully extended scene to stretch out a “can you hear me now” joke at the sake of plausibility. 

Disagree with me?  Think of the scene like this.

Hux gives his speech about how he will not take prisoners (instead of just shooting the guy out of the sky which would have delivered that message so much more succinctly).

Poe says his first line “I’m holding for General Hux.”

Hux looks confused for a moment, but quickly realizes he’s being played. “Blow him out of the sky!”

Cut to: Poe’s ship where his engine charge is ready and he blasts off and away.

All the same story beats with a quick, satisfying laugh that doesn’t stop the story or undermine the competency of the characters involved.

Speaking of competency, that brings up my next note.  Poe is a fucking Mary Sue.  Holy shit.  The next sequence of Poe destroying ALL but one of the cannons recalls one of my least favorite moments in Force Awakens.  That one shot where Finn is watching Poe fly around bulls-eyeing something like NINE tie fighters and several ground troops without even breaking a sweat.  It sets up this ridiculous expectation, that either Poe is that much better than everyone else in either the Resistance or First Order, making everyone else depressingly bad at their jobs, or him impossibly good.  Either way, it’s lazy story telling.  

We’ve seen good pilots in both of the previous trilogies, all of them having force powers to help them fight at elevated levels, but I’ve never felt, watching any of the other films, that one pilot was enough to single handedly sway any battle.  Battles in the previous films always felt epic and sweeping.  Poe feels like an OP video game character.  The kind that inspires patches to reduce his power because he kills the fun of playing the game and takes away the sense of menace from the foes he faces.

So, we’ll skip the next few nit picks; (bombs “falling” in “space”; why are space bombers slow when there is no gravity or atmosphere? Why are bomb bays triggered by a single button garage door opener? Why would you waste bombers on a mission that clearly calls for a missle or.. an unmanned vehicle blasting into hyper space?  We’ll get to that later cuz holy fuck.)

I want to point out that I’m getting nit picky at this point, but watching the film, I have NOT checked out.  Still engaged.  Still excited.  There is some Star Wars shit happening and I am in for the ride!  Woo hoo! Snoke is pissed and is gonna murder the fuck outa that buffoon Hux for letting the Resistance escape into hyper space.

So, the rebels come out of hyperspace and Leia casually mentions that she has a tracking device to help Rey find her way home.  

LITERALLY MOMENTS LATER, the First order leaps out of hyper space and everyone starts screaming “They tracked us some how!”  My brain, which has been literally processing story elements that are fed to me as they are fed to me immediately makes the connection between the First Order tracking the Resistance and the bracelet on Leia’s arm.  Those mother fuckers are tracking that shit, and that means they can also find Rey, which means Rey and Luke are in danger as well.  Hux even says “We have them tied to the end of the line.”  And this is further cemented as what is happening when Snoke suddenly forgives Hux like he’s the best general who ever lived.  Like maybe he just explained to Snoke that they found the tracking signal and he’s about to serve up Luke Motherfucking Skywalker.

Except, that’s not what happened.  What actually happened is that the First order had finally perfected some 50 year old Imperial technology that was briefly mentioned in Rogue One.  Hux didn’t have a clever plan that pleased Snoke.  He had some technology.  Technology that Snoke would have already known about.  Snoke sent Hux back to work like he nailed it, when he should have been like “You fucking idiot, you are the luckiest son of a bitch in the world that you completed that technology cuz we should have finished these guys already.  I’m taking a body part.  Get back to work.”

And the secret space tracker that Leia had?  Didn’t need it.  Finn steals it briefly in a cowardly attempt to save the girl he has a crush on, But other than that, it has almost no bearing on the story.  Rey uses her connection to Kylo to fly back and surrender to him.  The tracker was only used as a plot device to introduce Rose, and to show Finn in a most unheroic light.  Again.  A familiar bell rang many times in The Force Awakens.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, because the best moment in the movie happened before this and I want to talk about it.

Kylo and the first order have caught the resistance with their pants down and they are fucking shit up.  Kylo cruises in on the lead cruiser, aims at the bridge, and suddenly senses his mother standing there.  Overcome with emotion, Kylo realizes that he can’t kill his mother.  That doing that would mean there is no chance for his redemption.  And he CHOOSES TO SPARE HER LIFE! 

But oh shit, two other fighters are cruising with him and they dont hesitate to fire on the bridge.  There is an explosion and Leia is sucked out into space.

Ladies and gentleman, this was possibly the greatest moment in Star Wars history.  Leia was dead.  Her death had powerful meaning.  In the moment of Kylo’s redemption, he has it stolen away by others.  His path to forgiveness destroyed.  He will never be forgiven by the other characters in the film.  he is doomed to fight as evil because the forces of good will give him no quarter for killing their general.  He is a cursed man.  His guilt will know no bounds.  

I sat there in the cinema, speechless.  Completely destroyed emotionally, openly weeping.  Carrie Fisher leaves the film, her character arc complete, her death a meaningful and truly shocking moment in the film.  Absolutely stunning.

And then she opens her eyes.  And I start crying for a different reason.  She holds out her hand and force pulls herself to safety, ignoring the other heroes on the bridge who were also blown out into space.  She chooses to use her magic powers to save herself and let everyone else die.  

Like a fucking hero.

I was stunned at how terrible this moment plays on screen.  Truly stunned.  Leia had literally just given a speech on how soldiers die heroes but never commanders.  Her first chance to put her money where her mouth is, she ignores her own advice and saves her own skin instead.

This also gave me the stunning revelation that Leia would not be dying in this film, because as bad as Rian Johnson is at Star Wars, he’s not so bad to miraculously save a character only to kill her off later because her epic heroic death is still waiting in the wings.  Knowing that Carrie Fisher had died made me feel like her character would never get the incredible exit from the saga that was just missed in the preceding opportunity.  Princess Leia will die off screen between films.  Or she will be digitally reincarnated.  But neither of those things serve her memory or her character.  The Force Awakens had a lot of missed opportunities, but none of them like this missed moment here.

Meanwhile Rey is trying to convince Luke Skywalker to come back and he insists that he has no intention of ever returning.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE A MAP TO WHERE YOU WERE HIDING?  WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!

While we’re here, Chewie eating Porgs while they gather around him to ponder the deaths of their kin is nothing less than horrifying.  These creatures are sentient and aware they are bing eaten, and instead of running for their lives, they stare sadly at the creature eating them.  These creatures are not long for this world. This is my only note on Porgs.  

They’re... fine.

Also, ghost Yoda can shoot lightning bolts?  Is that something they could always do?  Why the fuck are we fighting a war when theres an army of lightning powered ghost warriors wandering the cosmos.  Hey Ghost Yoda why don’t you make yourself useful and ghost your way into a star destroyer and lightning the fuck out of power core?

Ghost Yoda shooting lightning fundamentally breaks Star Wars.  

Moving on...

Seriously.  We’re just getting started.

Back at the resistance, Finn has decided to sneak off the cruiser with Leia’s bracelet.  Now, remember, at this point in the film, I’m still thinking the bracelet is the way the First Order is tracking the resistance.  The whole “they must be tracking us through hyper space” plot line feels super thin and the only thing holding it to reality is a passing reference in a film that takes place roughly 50 years before this one.  Remember, there is literally no reason, that I as a casual movie goer, should think that the First order has in fact figured out this new tech and are not following this bracelet instead.  Nothing about Snoke’s response or Hux’s response suggest this is the case.

So, I’m thinking, fuck yeah.  Finn has figured this out, and he’s gonna try and lure the First Order away by pretending he’s Princess Leia.  Like a hero.  This is gonna draw the First Order off the Resistance and put Finn in a lot of danger.  Danger that’s gonna get super cool when Rey follows the beacon home and discovers her friend captured by storm troopers!  What a crazy action packed reunion that’s gonna be!

Oh wait.  Finn is sneaking off to lure Rey away from the First Order, so the two of them can be together after the resistance is destroyed, or something.  Like a... hero?  Is this really the conclusions a hero comes to?  I mean, i get it, the movie calls him out on this, but like, didn’t we already do the “Finn is running away” plot line in the last movie?  Didn’t we already resolve that he’s not a coward and willing to fight for what’s right?  He knows Rey won’t be cool with this move.  What the fuck is he doing?  WHAT THE FUCK!

Ok, so, he tells Rose what he was really up to, and she magically understands the quantum mechanics of tracking a ship through hyper space.  Finn and Rose, the janitor and the repair girl, within moments of being presented with a problem come up with the most far fetched solution that could possibly be, WHILE IGNORING THE MOST OBVIOUS PROBLEM IN THEIR HANDS (I mean honestly, even if someone had briefly looked at the tracker and said “What about this”, followed by a quick explanation and I could move on, but in the 2 1/2 hour run time there just wasn’t enough time to address this obvious plot hole).

So, Finn, Poe and Rose decide to disobey orders and embark on a mission after being told that there is only one man in the galaxy that can hack into a first order star destroyer.  This man, will be identifiable by his flower pendant.  That he always wears.  At all times.  So he can be identifiable.  To people sent to him to hack secret codes.  You know, just in case.  Also he is always at the high stakes gambling tables.  Not eating.  Not reading the paper in his apartment.  He exists in a constant state of high stakes gambling.

Sigh.  Fine.  Let’s go find this guy.

Finn and Rose leave in a shuttle and are immediately identified as a shuttle leaving the ship by the First Order but they are told to ignore the shuttle and to continue chasing the main ships.  This scene is really fucking important for later on in the movie so let me reiterate on this point:  A shuttle left the resistance ships and was immediately tracked and identified by the First Order.  Yeah, you know where I’m going with this, but let’s just leave it here in your fucking brain for a minute, the way it sat in mine for the rest of the movie.

So, now we get a weird story arc for Rose.  Rose hates everyone who lives in this city.  Why? Did she live here?  No.  She was a slave growing up in a mine somewhere else.  But rich people who live in this city built weapons from stuff the slave children mined so fuck this town and everyone in it.

This,’rich people were mean to me so I hate all rich people’ storyline feels like a super weak attempt to make a political statement about classism and suggests that future Star Wars films are going to be about the poor people rising up and defeating the elitists who are literally getting rich off of watching us kill each other.  This is a clumsy metaphor for what’s happening in the world. (It also completely ignores that this city is also home to the sometimes lover of one of our main resistance heroes, so maybe not everyone is so bad?)

But fine.  Clumsy metaphor.  Poor people good, rich people bad.  Got it.

Rose and Finn find the man they are looking for but are immediately arrested and thrown in jail.  The absolute worst jail in movie history.  First off, they are locked up together.  But not only together, with a third person.  A magic person who claims (and actually does) he has the exact skills the duo is looking for.  Skills our characters have been told do not exist outside of the man with a flower on his coat.  

This new man breaks them out of jail with items he snuck in (deus ex incompetence), only to discover that BB-8 has already dispatched the guards and was literally moments away from rescuing them himself.  I point this out because none of the suspension of disbelief required above was necessary to get out of the situation.  The movie just did it.  Inexplicably.  Just crammed in a  moment to waste our time.  

Which I suddenly realize is a recurring theme in the film.  Cramming in moments that have no bearing on the story to fill time.

Fine.  They escape.  But they do not try to reconnect with the guy they saw at the casino.  They instead decide to scrub the mission and head back.  I’m weirdly on board with this because this whole plan was incredibly contrived from the beginning.  Anything to get back to the story at hand.

But this new person they met in jail just keeps forcing himself on them, rescuing them at the last moment from... I’m not sure what.  Going back to terrible jail?  It’s not hard to break out of.  They’ve already decided to leave the planet empty handed so, I’m not really sure what the stakes are for this camel cat chase scene are supposed to be.  Like, it seems to be a crazy desperate escape from being temporarily hindered.  Whatever.  All your friends are dying in the slowest chase scene across the galaxy ever, but this action packed chase scene has almost zero stakes.  Think about where you’re investing your story moments, people.  

Shake it off, there is still a lot of movie to get through, but at this point, the movie is actually working against me.

Ok, so Finn and Rose escape the gambling city, leaving the slave children to be whipped and beaten for their participation in the escape, and all of the camel cats are immediately round up and returned to the stables, to be also whipped and beaten for running away.  (This is proven fact when we revisit the children later on and find them still working in the stables, sweeping straw. If the camel cats were still gone, there would be no need to tend the stables and we already know the slavers are not opposed to beating the children or the camel cats.)

But hey, none of that matters cuz “Game on!”  We have a hacker!  Who claims he can do the thing.  With zero credibility or references.  But by god, this is our only hope.  Cool.  Lets break into a star destroyer.

I wanna pause here to point out there is a storyline happening between Kylo Ren and Rey that is STUNNINGLY good.  Like it’s happening in a different movie.  It’s layered and nuanced and tragic and heartfelt.  Love love everything in this storyline up to the point that Kylo Ren pulls a Homer Simpson trying to murder his omnipotent son, Bart, in that one Tree House of Horror episode just before Bart turns him into a jack in the box. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4T8x7T4Vao

Kylo Ren is moderately more successful then Homer and manages to kill off Snoke by cutting him in half with my favorite move from the Star Wars video game.  And then comes the dance fighting ninja guards who are TERRIBLE at their jobs.  Just terrible.  There’s no other way to explain what happened to human resources.  The outcome of what happened in that room is going to reflect very poorly on the Royal Guard.

But the movie insists I need to watch the Rose Finn stuff so it sends me back to them sneaking onto the star destroyer, where they are immediately identified by an astro mech who spots BB-8.

Moments later they are caught by the First Order, but BB-8 is not captured.  Even though he is with them and was the reason they were caught in the first place.  Somehow, he isn’t captured with them.  the movie suggests it’s because he is hidden under a box, but the Star Mech saw him through the box and the astro mech is present for the capture, but has now apparently forgotten about BB-8.

Sure.  Fine.  Moving on.

Now, I forgot to mention something because during the throne room fight, the movie felt like it was winding down, but I remembered from the trailer that Captain Phasma still hadn’t shown up in the movie and was getting worried that Phasma might be under utilized in this storyline (unless there was some big reveal coming up that totally legitimized her involvement in the film.  Spoiler alert: there isn’t.)

Seriously, why is Phasma in your movies?  Are you trying to make a statement about Boba Fett?  That the only thing a villain needs to become iconic is a cool costume?  Is this a bet you guys made with the original trilogy guys?

So, Phasma shows up, escorts the prisoners to the hangar (not the brig) in order to immediately execute them.  Not interrogate them.  Not hold them prisoner. “But Carl, they knew Finn and Rose would never talk so no need to question them! Also, the hacker already told them everything they wanted to know.”  Ok, first, hacker John only told the First order about the ships sneaking off the spaceship.  Information he was only privy to because he was allowed to be a part of a top secret mission briefing by Poe leading a mutiny against Laura Dern.  And also, master interrogator Kylo Ren is on this ship.  He can mind rape these kids and get all their secrets.  There is NO WAY execution is the next step in the plan. Zero chance.

Hang on.  Hold up.  Let’s talk about Laura Dern who has picked the absolute worst teaching moment that any officer could choose.  The resistance is in tatters.  The main general is in a coma.  Your captains are going down with their ships one at a time.  DON’T BE COY WITH THE DETAILS WHEN DEALING WITH YOUR BEST PILOT!

Also, what the fuck is up with your hair and wardrobe?  Purple hair?  That’s it?  You were like “Space movie lady?  Purple hair, right?” and everyone was like “Sure. That sounds right.” Lazy lazy lazy.....

Whatever.

So, Phasma is gonna execute these fools but KABOOM! and Phasma and her troops disappear.  Finn is surprised by this and decides to make his escape.  But then suddenly out of the smoke comes (wait for it) CAPTAIN PHASMA!

Wha...?  Where did she go?  Did they all run off for a second and then suddenly go “Wait.  Did we kill those guys? Do you guys remember why we came in here?  Fuck.  Lets go back and kill those guys before we leave.  We got the order all mixed up again.”  Just... baffling.  They jettisoned her out of the scene, just so she could reenter the scene dramatically.  Just because the shot of her coming out of the smoke looked cool.  That’s it.

So, now Finn and Phasma fight.  And the backstory between these two characters is thick, and by thick I mean, non-existent.  Nothing feels earned in this battle, including Phasma’s incredibly lack luster “death”.  So, Finn the janitor lucks into victory against the hardened warrior... again.

Man, have we ever seen Finn win a fight in these movies?  Have they been trying to sell us an incompetent hero?  What exactly has Finn done to help the resistance in either of these films?  Is Finn the worst character in Star Wars?  Talk amongst yourself.

But before you do, I want you to consider one thing.  After watching the film, I was pretty vocal about how Finn, Rose and Poe’s plan did absolutely nothing to affect the outcome of the film.  Their adventure was completely pointless.

But I was wrong.  They did cause one thing.  

On the Resistance ships, 30 evacuation shuttles are slipping away, under the assumption that the First Order won’t be able to see the shuttles.  This is a stupid plan, especially since the movie goes out of it’s way to explain that the First Order can ABSOLUTELY track shuttles flying away. (Editor’s note: its been pointed out to me that the shuttles were using cloaking technology, cloaking technology that the First Order had no problem seeing past, simply by possessing the knowledge that it existed.  Lazy lazy lazy...)

But let’s buy into this.  The resistance is escaping, and Finn, Poe and Rose have handed a traitor over to the First Order and directly caused the deaths of 23 of the 30 ships flying away.  Two thirds of the survivors were killed because Finn, Poe and Rose didn’t follow orders.

Now, this is fucking dark.  Holy shit, hubris killed the resistance.

But in the next scene, Poe is leading the goddamn charge against the walkers.

YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT.  You disobeyed orders that killed off almost 300 of the remaining 400 soldiers.  You are summarily executed.  Not the hero of the final battle.  After Poe and Finn’s bullshit, the entire resistance can fit in the goddamn Millenium Falcon.

These characters are not heroes.

So, lets skip over the nit picky shit (Finn can suddenly fly a ship?  When did he learn?  He’s been in a coma since the last movie and one of the main plotlines of the last movie circled around Finn not being able to fly a ship.  Why drop a battering ram so far away from it’s target?  Why not blast the base from space?)

So, then Luke Skywalker shows up and fools everyone into believing he’s actually there, when he isn’t.  It’s magic and shit.  No one can touch him.  (Except we’ve already established that you can indeed touch him through the void, but Nvmnd).

This scene is annoying for two reasons.  One, it’s lame.  Two, the director went through so many lengths to set this up.  He showed a shot of Rey looking at a drowned x wing, so when Luke shows up magically at the end of the movie, folks are like, “He must’ve force lifted the x-wing out of the water and flown it here.”  It was such an easy head fake explanation that utilized information the audience knew from past movies along with necessary story elements to make something believable.  

There are so many head scratchingly stupid moments in this film, that it absolutely stuns me this much thought went into this sequence. To maintain my suspension of disbelief in this moment, the director offered a single well thought out visual to sell Luke’s silly plan to the audience.

So that tells me that the filmmakers were perfectly capable of taking moments established in previous films and building on them smartly.  They just... didn’t.

It’s like when my teacher would give me lower marks then  the rest of the class, not because my paper was worse, but because I was capable of so much more.  Yeah, it seems unfair, but fuck you.  Life isn’t fair.  You get to direct endless Star Wars movies for the rest of your life.  Try not to piss in my mouth while you do it,

Which brings me to my final example of why this movie completely fails.  Laura Dern decides to save the resistance by launching a ship into hyper space directly into the main star destroyer.

Are you serious?  Has this always been an option?  It literally destroyed the ship with the hyper space tracker.  All of the other ships could have escaped if that first bastard who went down with his ship would have done this.  Every death star could have been destroyed with a single freighter.  Holy shit, we could build a canon that shoots things at light speed and destroy everything.

If this has always been an option, it’s ridiculous that it is only thought of now.

Also, if the First order only has one ship that cant track the resistance ships, why not just everybody scatter into hyper space in every direction?  They can’t follow everybody.  if 10 ships are left, 9 get away.  there are literally dozens of different ways to get out of this situation that even the most inexperienced leader could have sussed out, other than abandoning ship to everyone’s immediate execution. 

Heroes are supposed to be great.  There are no great heroes in The Last Jedi.  

So that’s it.  Not a good movie.  Soup to nuts an utter failure.  On par with the worst of the prequels.  And once everybody has had a little time away from the film, you’ll all agree with me.  Just like you all loved the prequels for a little while, until some sober son of a bitch walked up and pointed out a few failings.  

And then the whole goddamn thing comes tumbling down.

[blazingmarlene-blog]

Character Chart ;

Character’s full name: Marlene Grace Mckinnon Reason or meaning of name: Named after her mother’s icons, the legendary (and very different) Marlene Dietrich and Grace Kelly. Character’s nickname: Occasionally called ‘blondie’. Reason for nickname: Hair color. Birth date: June 1st, 1992.

Physical Appearance Age: 25 How old does he/she appear: Mid to late twenties. Height: 5’4 Body build: Skinny Shape of face: Heart-shaped Eye color:  Blue Glasses or contacts: None. Skin tone: Pale Distinguishing marks: A beauty mark on her cheek, chipped canine tooth and slightly yellow teeth, several minor scars from falls and altercations, a Bukowski quote tattooed on her upper back. Predominant features: Her eyes, her father’s well-defined nose, dark circles under her eyes. Hair color: Blonde Type of hair: Shaggy Hairstyle: Shoulder-length, bangs. Voice: Raspy Overall attractiveness: Very attractive, more often described as “hot” or “gorgeous” than “pretty”, and definitely not healthy looking in the slightest. Physical disabilities: Substance addictions, mild eczema, beginning of heart issues. Usual fashion of dress: “Forgotten member of the Runaways” would be her own description of what she’s aiming for, but she doesn’t always make the effort. Her eyes are always covered in eyeliner, but if she’s going to work, she’ll mainly just throw on whatever she can grab with a pair of boots and black skinny jeans. It somehow manages to look “casual-chic” either way. Favorite outfit: Faux fur jacket, blue sprayed hair, ripped fishnets, microscopic black dress and visible blue lingerie. Jewelry or accessories: Ear cartilage piercings, bracelets and the occasional pair of earrings or necklace.

Personality Good personality traits:  Brave, vibrant, clever, driven, honest Bad personality traits: Arrogant, self-destructive, crass, insecure, addictive tendencies. Mood character is most often in: Anxious. Sense of humor: Sarcastic and extremely dark, often leading people to wonder whether what she said was a joke or an extremely brutal form of honesty. Character’s greatest joy in life: Destroying corporate property bought on the backs of decent people a.k.a her most recent addiction. Character’s greatest fear: Being locked up in jail or worst, rehab. Why? Sobriety, of the real, crushing kind that comes with isolation and goes beyond the absence of chemicals, terrifies Marlene. Putting things on a page works as long as she has some sort of filter. But she doesn’t know what would happen if she was left alone with her thoughts and fears. She doesn’t want to. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? Getting sent to a prision or a clinic. Character is most at ease when: High, messing around with friends, irritating stuck-up people. Most ill at ease when: Alone, forced to conform, entirely sober. Enraged when: Catching even the slightest hint of unfairness, spoken to when craving drugs, running out of money. Depressed or sad when: Alone, craving.   Priorities: Destruction. Life philosophy: Be like Samson: use your last ounce of strength to bring the prison crashing down on the motherfuckers’ heads. Character’s soft spot: The underdogs. Is this soft spot obvious to others? Crushingly so. Greatest strength: Bravery. Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Self-destruction. Biggest regret: Having spent as long as she did pretending to be someone she wasn’t. Minor regret: Not having burnt down the TripleM headquarters rather than just crashing her car against the building. Biggest accomplishment: Joining the Order of the Phoenix, as well as the many jobs she pulled off for them. Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: Everyone knows them all already. Character’s darkest secret:  Altough Marlene’s sympathy for the exploited is genuine, she’s also a priviledged girl using extremely complex issues as outlets for her own self-loathing and inferiority complexes, and her activism and rage are addictions in themselves. Does anyone else know?  It’s probably not a secret to anyone but herself, really. Goals Drives and motivations: Justice, knowledge, pleasure. Immediate goals: To get back at TripleM. Long term goals: To bring the Sacred 28 down, to create a world in which corporate greed doesn’t corrupt every aspect of human existence, to die in a blaze of glory. Past Type of childhood: Privileged but miserable. Pets: A dog named Rufus. Most important childhood memory: Being accidentally driven through the slums of Los Angeles when she was seven. Childhood hero: Initially, her mother. But heroism died pretty fast. Dream job: Either a writer or a real journalist, a profession the people working under TripleM are not truly in. Education: Private schools, University. Religion: None. Finances: Very wealthy. Present Current location: London Currently living with: Her flatmate, Rachel, and her landlady, Patty. Pets: None. Religion: Atheist. Occupation: Barmaid at The Leaky Bucket. Finances: Living on a prayer. Family Mother: Priscilla Barnes, born Mary Barnes. Relationship with her: In a word: shit. All Marlene ever wanted was to know her mother loved her. She admired her for her beauty and for the way she built a fortune and never looked back, and came to hate her for the very same reasons. The problem was that Priscilla grew up poor with neglectful parents, and she somewhat believed that throwing money at her daughter was all there was to raising her. Their personalities are also a bit too similar to work together. They both wreck everything in their path, but while Priscilla does it for money and success, Marlene sees the vacancy behind it all, and prefers to wreck herself and the injustice she sees in the world. Priscilla does love Marlene in her way, and hopes that cutting her off will be the push she needs to be all that she can be. But it doesn’t make her any less of a shitty mother. And no remnant of affection that Marlene feels for her mother is greater than the hatred and disgust that taints their relationship.

Father: Clark Mckinnon. Relationship with him: Benevolent indifference on his end, with the occasional polite lunch thrown in. He did make an effort to see more of her after he moved back to London, but gave up once he realized he was talking to a frightening, fully grown stranger. Marlene thinks he’s the most boring, most frivolous person on earth. She endures him only because she can still squeeze some money off of him in a moment of despair with the comfort of knowing that it’s not as bloody as her mother’s. Siblings: None. Relationship with them: None.

Favorites Color: Electric Blue. Least favorite color: Brown. Music: Punk and House , with a secret love of corny Country music. Mode of transportation: Underground and bus. Most prized possession: A signed copy of Ryszard Kapuściński’s “Christ With a Rifle on His Shoulder”.

Habits Hobbies: Clubbing, writing, listening to music, taking pictures, chatting to strangers, minor vandalism (major one is a passion, not a hobbie). Plays a musical instrument? A few chords on the guitar. Plays a sport? None. How he/she would spend a rainy day: At home in bed. Spending habits: Forced to count her money, prone to spending it all on binging episodes. Smokes: Yes. Drinks: Yes, but not as much as one would expect. Alcohol is actually kind of a last resort for her. Other drugs: Marlene is still a speed girl at heart, but she’s not as faithful to it as she used to be. She’ll snort, smoke and swallow anything in sight if she’s in the right mood, though. What does he/she do too much of? Drugs. What does he/she do too little of? Self-reflection.

Nervous Tics: Biting her nails, biting her lip, playing with her hands, tapping her feet, talking nonstop.

Traits Optimist or pessimist? Pessimist. Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert. Daredevil or cautious? Daredevil. Logical or emotional? Emotional. Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Messy. Prefers working or relaxing? Relaxing. Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Unsure, but convinced that she’s confident. Animal lover? Not really. She’s sympathetic to their suffering and would beat the shit out of anyone who was hurting them for sport, but her refusal to wear real leather and her general avoidance of meat have more to do with sticking it to the man than with any particular kindship she feels towards animals. The people that seem to care more about them than they care about humans also tend to piss her off.

Self-Perception How he/she feels about himself/herself: Please, lord, don’t make her think about that. One word the character would use to describe self: Fuck you. Two words, but that’s how little she cares. What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Honesty. What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? Lack of self-control. What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Her legs. What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Her nose. How does the character think others perceive him/her: Crazy, fun, pathetic Marlene. What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Either nothing or nearly everything, depending on the day.