#movie nights or social nights or volunteering nights or nights where i just can't do anything because i had therapy that day

[theoldaeroplane]

I need things to stop HAPPENING

[tocinephile]

If it's not EEAAO night at the Oscars I'm going to riot...

It's Oscar Sunday and while I've found this entire Award Show season rather boring, one can't help but feel a little bit of pride the way Asians have dominated in wins. A year ago who would have thought a multiverse immigrant action comedy drama written by the Daniels with an Southeast Asian led cast would be the favoured film to take Best Picture?? Everything Everywhere All At Once has been a runaway favourite and Best Picture is just one of the many categories where it is a heavy contender tonight.

Let me get off this EEAAO rah-rah train for a second though because as much gushing as there is for the film, I've also heard the honest opinions of some that they don't love this movie. On one hand, it's a multiverse film staring one of the world's greatest (and most underrated) action stars - Michelle Yeoh, a beloved scream queen (and so much more) Jamie Lee Curtis, and Short Round - Ke Huy Quan - all grown up. That just screams entertainment value. However if you've ever had to explain the multiverse to a parent or grandparent you might see where the story falters in universal appeal. But wait! It's also an immigrant story about generational friction, one of its main characters is LGBTQ+, and it's in three languages (English and two dialects of Chinese). It's truly a movie with universal appeal!

That said, I will admit of the Best Picture nominees EEAAO is perhaps only somewhere in my top 4. I've seen 8 of the 10 nominated films (opting to skip Avatar and Women Talking in theatres, I would have watched the latter if I could have streamed it). While not overly enamored by any of the selections, The Fablemans would be my favourite followed by a three-way tie between EEAAO, Top Gun: Maverick, and All Quiet on the Western Front (which I enjoyed a lot more than I expected I would)

Before I get into my picks and general thoughts about the films I have seen, I want to thank Alex from the Dufferin Film Society who is leading the charge on the Oscar Pool that I've participated in for tonight. I've typically been part of a pool headed up by a very enthusiastic colleague at the office but that pool is sadly no more. Thankfully I've been invited to join in this new one even though I'm not sure I could point to Dufferin County on a map. (Sorry Alex)

I would also like to take a moment to mention a big movie enthusiast from Toronto whose absence is felt this year: Harvey Lalonde. Harvey was a mainstay at virtually every Toronto film festival, along with many other arts & cultural events, he's also been a part of Sundance, and Fantasia in Montreal. If you've ever attended a film festival in Toronto, Harvey has likely directed you to your theatre, ripped your tickets, or played some part in your moviegoing experience. He was most often at Bloor Hot Docs, the TIFF Midnight Madness venues most notably Ryerson Theatre, and TIFF Bell Lightbox amongst many other venues. I've volunteered at TIFF and other film festivals since 1999 and Harvey was already a regular when I started. A very sociable man who loved to talk about the festivals happening in the city and the films he'd seen or was excited to see, Harvey always took every opportunity to say hello and chat. Harvey had a stroke in February and passed away shortly after.

I mention Harvey here because our second last conversation was on Facebook messenger during the Golden Globes back in January. As you might be aware, I often tweet during award shows and converse via SMS and IM with friends. While I choose to watch in my home as opposed to gathering with friends (as I did in my 20's) I actually find I do a lot of socializing albeit via my phone, and I cherish all the award show chats I have with my friends. Harvey and I discussed our dislike of the host, which awards we had predicted, and the ceremony in general. I'm going to miss these conversations with him. I'd love to know what he thinks of my 2023 Oscar picks.

As usual I'm going to break it down between who I think "will win", "should win", and "my overall pick"...

BEST PICTURE

All Quiet on the Western Front Avatar: The Way of Water The Banshees of Inisherin Elvis Everything Everywhere All at Once The Fabelmans Tár Top Gun: Maverick Triangle of Sadness Women Talking

Will win: Everything Everywhere All at Once

Should win: Everything Everywhere All at Once

My pick: Everything Everywhere All at Once

As I mentioned The Fabelmans is my favourite amongst the list but it feels old-fashion stodgy Hollywood to give this one to The Fabelmans. A million films like it have won before and Spielberg probably doesn't have any more space left in his home for more awards.

In terms of what I thought of the films themselves, All Quiet on the Western Front surpassed my expectations, The Banshees of Inisherin was interesting but I failed to see its brilliance, Elvis was probably my least favourite Baz Luhrmann film (I never saw Australia), Tar was a feat of filmmaking (that I will likely never sit through again), Top Gun was one of the most enjoyable films I saw in 2022, Triangle of Sadness did not appeal to me (and I've once and for all decided to stop watching Ostlund's films despite everyone's urging).

DIRECTOR

Todd Field, Tár Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert, Everything Everywhere All at Once Martin McDonagh, The Banshees of Inisherin Ruben Östlund, Triangle of Sadness Steven Spielberg, The Fabelmans

Will win: Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert, EEAAO

Should win: Todd Field, Tar

My pick: Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert, EEAAO

Not that I will be the slightest bit upset when the Daniels win! They deserve it but Tar would be nothing without Todd Field's direction (and Cate Blanchett's performance). A part of me also thinks it would be nice to see Spielberg win for the film based on his own life. (I feel like there's in a joke in there about "if you can't direct your own life, what can you direct??"...)

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Austin Butler, Elvis Colin Farrell, The Banshees of Inisherin Brendan Fraser, The Whale Paul Mescal, Aftersun Bill Nighy, Living

Will win: Could be either Austin Butler or Brendan Fraser

Should win: Brendan Fraser, The Whale

My pick: Austin Butler, Elvis

I had a friend tell me that he doesn't believe in rewarding an actor for putting on a prosthetic. I mean, he has a point but I actually think that Brendan Fraser could have pulled this one off even without a fat suit. I didn't even like Elvis all that much but I guess Austin Butler's performance was one of the strongest aspects of the film. The category has been divided throughout all the awards, so this could go either way.

Bill Nighy was very good in Living, a film that's worth checking out. It once again reminded me the similarities in attitudes and behaviours between the Japanese and British that just make these adaptations of Japanese source material into Brit production so seamless.

Colin Farrell (and Brendan Gleeson) are also great in their roles, my thoughts on their film aside.

Paul Mescal was fine but Aftersun as a film eluded me, I failed to see what was so special about it. (I will note that I have no relationship with my own father so maybe that's why I don't understand the appeal of the film)

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Cate Blanchett, Tár Ana de Armas, Blonde Andrea Riseborough, To Leslie Michelle Williams, The Fabelmans Michelle Yeoh, Everything Everywhere All at Once

Will win: Michelle Yeoh

Should win: Michelle Yeoh (I guess I wouldn't be sad if Cate Blanchett won either)

My pick: Michelle Yeoh

I've made no secret over the years of my love for Michelle Yeoh, she's a martial arts legend who's demonstrated her skills alongside the best, staring opposite Jacky Chan, Donnie Yen, Jet Li, etc.

Tar had a long running time and was carried by its main character and for that alone Cate Blanchett deserves recognition, but I guess she's had plenty of recognition in the past.

Michelle Williams seems to have a tendency of choosing certain roles, frequently fragile and inwardly troubled, so naturally she's perfect in The Fabelmans.

I made a decision that I wasn't going to watch Blonde because I just don't like Marilyn Munroe, so I won't be weighing in on Ana de Armas thought I typically like her.

I am going to watch To Leslie after I finish up this post.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Brendan Gleeson, The Banshees of Inisherin Brian Tyree Henry, Causeway Judd Hirsch, The Fabelmans Barry Keoghan, The Banshees of Inisherin Ke Huy Quan, Everything Everywhere All at Once

Will win: Ke Huy Quan

Should win: Ke Huy Quan

My pick: Ke Huy Quan

I'm really looking forward to seeing Ke Huy Quan become an Oscar winner after so many decades of struggle to just get roles in Hollywood. 100% I'm going to cry when it happens.

(I guess I will also note here that I've not had an opportunity to see Causeway, I missed it at TIFF 2022)

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Angela Bassett, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever Hong Chau, The Whale Kerry Condon, The Banshees of Inisherin Jamie Lee Curtis, Everything Everywhere All at Once Stephanie Hsu, Everything Everywhere All at Once

Will win: Angela Bassett or Jamie Lee Curtis

Should win: Hong Chau

My pick: Angela Bassett

This was a hard one for me to pick. While I liked Jamie Lee Curtis' performance, Angela Bassett did have a much meatier role in Wakanda Forever. But let's take a moment to recognize that there is not one but TWO Asians nominated in this category (plus a black woman, making the category POC dominated!), which is amazing to me. Hong Chau's performance was the best in my opinion.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

The Banshees of Inisherin Everything Everywhere All at Once The Fabelmans Tár Triangle of Sadness

Will win: Everything Everywhere All at Once

Should win: Everything Everywhere All at Once

My pick: Everything Everywhere All at Once

I will hand it to the nominees this year, every screenplay here except for The Fabelmans was indeed original! None of these were conventional stories, that's for sure!

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

All Quiet on the Western Front Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery Living Top Gun: Maverick Women Talking

Will win: Women Talking

Should Win: not sure, probably Women Talking

My pick: Women Talking

I chose Women Talking without having seen it, based on the belief that it's a powerful story to put on screen and my faith in Sarah Polley's writing. This was reinforced by a bit of web scouring. But I'm still talking out of my ass :)

I'm also not entirely sure I understand what Top Gun: Maverick was adapted from...?

INTERNATIONAL FEATURE

All Quiet on the Western Front Argentina, 1985 Close EO The Quiet Girl

Will win: All Quiet on the Western Front

Should win: All Quiet on the Western Front

My pick: All Quiet on the Western Front

Argentina, 1985 also picked up some awards, I almost put that as my pick but then, quite honestly, I watched the film and changed my mind.

This is one of the rare times when I've seen every foreign film nominee and I didn't connect with Argentina, 1985 nor the Quiet Girl, though I would pick the latter if I had to choose.

All Quiet on the Western Front and Close are my picks, the latter has a very genuine portrayal of youth dealing with grief, I found it particularly moving. As for EO, it has a donkey for a main character, how can that not be endearing? Between EO and the Banshees of Inisherin, it's the year of donkeys in films and I'm all for it.

ANIMATED FEATURE

Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio Marcel the Shell With Shoes On Puss in Boots: The Last Wish The Sea Beast Turning Red

Will win: Pinocchio

Should win: not sure... but Turning Red might be nice

My pick: Pinocchio

Look, I liked Pinocchio, it's got del Toro's stamp of slightly darker storytelling and his fantastical imagery, what's not to like? However I only saw it and Turning Red so I'm hardly in a position to judge. I really did like Turning Red though.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

All That Breathes All the Beauty and the Bloodshed Fire of Love A House Made of Splinters Navalny

Will win: maybe Navalny?

Should win: Fire of Love

My pick: Fire of Love

Again, I've seen more than usual within this category this year, having watched every film except All That Breathes. Fire of Love was my favourite but I'm reading that Navalny got the most attention (not surprisingly so given the topic, plus it was a good film)

ORIGINAL SCORE

All Quiet on the Western Front Babylon The Banshees of Inisherin Everything Everywhere All at Once The Fabelmans

Will win: Babylon?

Should win: Babylon

My pick: Babylon

Sadly I didn't love Babylon by a long shot, but Justin Hurwitz can do no wrong!

ORIGINAL SONG

“Applause,” Tell It Like a Woman “Hold My Hand,” Top Gun: Maverick “Lift Me Up,” Black Panther: Wakanda Forever “Naatu Naatu,” RRR “This Is a Life,” Everything Everywhere All at Once

Will win: “Naatu Naatu,” RRR

Should win: “Naatu Naatu,” RRR

My pick: “Naatu Naatu,” RRR

This is another fine example of Asians receiving recognition. I'm loving that Naatu Naatu, which I've only heard snippets of but sounds great in my opinion, is dominating in this category over a bunch of famous singers whose songs are frankly all terrible. I really hope they're not going to perform the ceremony, but at least I'll get a lot of laundry and dishes done during the show if they do.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

All Quiet on the Western Front Bardo, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths Elvis Empire of Light Tár

Will win: All Quiet on the Western Front

Should win: All Quiet on the Western Front or Bardo

My pick: All Quiet on the Western Front

I tried very hard to find some redeeming factors in Bardo, I wanted the story to loop around brilliantly somehow and being struck by genius, but overall I was there for the visuals. I missed my chance to see this in theatres and part of me is glad, but also there is regret because seeing it on the big screen would have likely been the most enjoyment I could get out of it.

Empire of Light is also underrated and understated, it's actually a beautiful tale with a elegant nostalgic setting and every bit a love letter to cinema as The Fabelmans was. More people should be seeing this film.

COSTUME DESIGN

Babylon Black Panther: Wakanda Forever Elvis Everything Everywhere All at Once Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris

Will win: Elvis

Should win: Babylon or Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

My pick: Elvis

I know next to nothing about Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris, my bad. Whereas I didn't find the first third of Black Panther that interesting and so would often be looking at the production design and costumes on screen. I have huge issues with Babylon and historical accuracy (no matter what articles have said, there's nothing historically accurate about the wardrobe) but that's not exactly a requirement when it comes to outstanding designs. Just from personal tastes, I prefer Babylon and Wakanda forever over Elvis for costumes, but most web predictions favour it to win Best Costume.

EDITING

The Banshees of Inisherin Elvis Everything Everywhere All at Once Tár Top Gun: Maverick

Will win: Everything Everywhere All at Once

Should win: Everything Everywhere All at Once

My pick: Everything Everywhere All at Once

I guess the point of Bardo is that there are no edits...? Because the decision to not make edits or to purposely make them look seemless seems like an editing decision in itself... but that's fine if no one agrees. EEAAO does have excellent editing, and I guess Baz Luhrmann never makes a badly edited film (him and David Fincher I feel...)

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING

All Quiet on the Western Front The Batman Black Panther: Wakanda Forever Elvis The Whale

Will win: Elvis

Should win: probably Elvis

My pick: Elvis

Make up stands out when it's dramatic, or transformative, or recreates something with great historical accuracy... and I guess Elvis does all of the above.

PRODUCTION DESIGN

All Quiet on the Western Front Avatar: The Way of Water Babylon Elvis The Fabelmans

Will win: Elvis? Babylon? All Quiet on the Western Front?

Should win: Babylon... or Elvis

My pick: Babylon

Again my pick of Babylon over Elvis is a matter of personal preference. I'd be rather irritated if Avatar (which should receive a visual effects award for sure but green screen alone isn't production design) or the Fabelmans win.

SOUND

All Quiet on the Western Front Avatar: The Way of Water The Batman Elvis Top Gun: Maverick

Will win: All Quiet on the Western Front

Should win: All Quiet on the Western Front

My pick: All Quiet on the Western Front

I actually heard All Quiet on the Western Front before I ever saw it. True story! I was volunteering at TIFF 2023 during a screening and while situated in the underbelly of the theatre there are speakers which broadcast the sound being heard inside the theatre and so we listened in on a lot of intricate gunfire and explosions and it left an impression!

VISUAL EFFECTS

All Quiet on the Western Front Avatar: The Way of Water The Batman Black Panther: Wakanda Forever Top Gun: Maverick

Will win: Avatar

Should win: Avatar

My Pick: Avatar

I mean, who can actually compete with Avatar here..?

SHORT FILM CATEGORIES

I didn't see a single one of the nominated shorts this year so I guessed (likely very poorly), here's what's on my ballot:

ANIMATED SHORT My Year of Dicks

LIVE-ACTION SHORT Le Pupille DOCUMENTARY SHORT Stranger at the Gate

I will be back with after tonight's ceremonies! Happy Oscar Night!

[poormeowmeowcollector]

Me? Affectionate? Never!

Relationship: Loki x Gender Neutral Reader

Warnings: too much fluff, might cause hyperglycaemia. The GIF might be M/F but there's no description of the Reader

Summary: Loki's not so much of a social person, but they still ask you to for a big favour

Notes: I may or may not be stealing the he/they headcannon of @lucywrites02 but I plan to use it only when Loki would feel safe enough to be out. But it's just a huge fluff bomb.

AO3

Out of all the Avengers, or coworkers you had in general, Loki's by far the most reserved one.

It's not rare for him to go for days without speaking, or getting out of his room. And during times like this, Thor's always trying to cheer them up or keep them company, but the times he has allowed it can be counted in one's fingers.

There are times when they are more social. He prefers sitting in silence and listening to a conversation among the other teammates, or watching some chaos unfold, and the times they speak are numbered, but he's still there. No one pushes him on crossing their line, since he looks more relaxed when being silent than when being in the centre of attention.

He also prefers one on one interactions, if they're to interact with someone. There are times when, after lunch, Wanda volunteers to do the dishes and Loki joins her, starting a conversation when the kitchen is finally empty. And pretty much everyone has caught him having chit chat with Thor on Old Norse, and he always silences themselves whenever someone walks in.

Though, his silence doesn't make him fill all the gaps of the awkward introverted type. The one time Thor managed to get him drunk, their voice became loud and bombing like his sibling's, and didn't shut up until drunkenness guided him to the bed. Every time someone—usually Thor or Tony—gets into their nerves, he's able to be heard in the whole continent by the yelling, but they're usually unleash the power of his voice only after the other person yells.

In your opinion, the cutest thing is how his shyness can pass the spectrum of speaking. Whenever someone accidentally touches them while on his shy days, you can see him brushing the physical contact away afterwards, as if it will somehow erase it.

But you usually manage to keep him talking for a little longer when Natasha catches you rumbling about whatever you're investing your time in this week. You like to think that they do that because you never held hard feelings for him, but you can't be sure. And it's not even something big, you just suggest things to each other, consume it to the point where self pride doesn't care anymore and then rumble about it until you grow tired. The only time you thought they were taking it more personally is when he suggested doing the sections in one's room, so no one can walk in.

There are things in his behaviour, always perfectly masked and unreadable, that can give away his emotions. If someone learns to catch them and translate them, Loki becomes an open book. It's never something big, sometimes it's just the discreet smell of smoke on him after a bad mission, the reddish fingertips during a stressing period, the leg bouncing when something exciting is about to happen or happening or utter lack of eye contact when something awkward is happening. The team has spotted them, and it makes the communication with them so much easier.

And, between the successful last bunch of missions and the wisely picked up films for the movie nights, Loki's mood and social stamina have skyrocketed the last few days. No one really noticed it until he made five —ladies, gentlemen and nobles—jokes about Steve within one breakfast. You swear Tony was sure that Loki moved from simple tobacco to something more spicy, but didn't smell like something other than the body wash Bucky recommended last week, you tested it.

The only thing odder than the sudden halt of this fit. Nothing could explain it. No one teased them about the good mood, no missions or paperwork, even the weather is the way he likes it—chilly, windy and cloudy fall day, no rains or cold. They just locked himself in his room without any reason visible. Once again, Thor tried to do, and this time you joined them, but to no avail.

Until, late during the evening, you get a message from Loki, asking you if you can come over to his room. The few times they call you there, and even fewer when he does it by texting, is because you're about to become a witness of something very good or something very bad. It's easy to guess where to put today's incident on the scale.

So, you sprint in his corridor, luckily you share the floor with them and Thor, and knock the door just a few moments after the text.

When they open the door, you don't notice something bad, apart from the smell. But, he looks normal. "I'm here, what is it?" you ask, trying to give yourself an excuse for staring.

"I… There's a little thing I need you to do, i-if you're comfortable with it," he hums, their reddish fingers already skinning each other but they don't seem to bother. You give him a small smile and nod.

"You know I'm comfy with you." you shrug, easing some tension from their body. He steps back, only to clear the way to the room.

They guide you to the bedroom, gesturing you to lay on the bed, his hand now messing with the sleeve. You nod and lay there on your back, enjoying the soft mattress and silk covers. God, how can they abandon this bed every day?

"Are you sure you're comfortable with…" they don't finish the sentence when he sees you nod, that sure expression in your face.

"Did you call me here to test the mattress? C'mon, do your thing," You shrug, managing to make a dim smile appear on their lips for a split second.

He lets a deep sigh and walks closer before they sit on the bed, their thighs brushing yours. You still stare and smile, hoping it makes them sure enough to do their move.

They mutter something in Old Norse before kicking his shoes and laying on your chest. You shift a bit, mostly to make room for their hands to tangle around you and slip under your shirt before resting on your back. He moves, hiding their nose on your neck as they declare that he's comfortable with a purring sound.

You didn't expect Loki to be so heavy, nor so cold. Their hands against your back and his nose are like ice, even his breath is freezing your skin as it comes out in slow tides. You still rest your hands on their back and draw patterns above the soft tunic. He lets out a happy groan, smiling just so. Loki's not at all touchy, or sentimental. You know that it's not a good sign, but you admit enjoying the cuddling.

"Loki, are you alright?" you whisper on their ear, not wishing to break the silence furthermore. He nods a no. "Is it something new that happened?" you ask, now eager to help with something more than a hug. His answer is the same. "Then, did you remember something old?" for the third time, they answer with a negative nod.

"Just a bad day, but apparently all I needed was a hug… thank you," they whisper against your neck, his breath cold enough to trigger chills. You chuckle and move one hand to play with his hair.

"Don't mention it. And, if you need a hug again, just go ahead for one," you grin, even though they can't see it, and blow a kiss on his head. You can feel their cheeks burning against you.

"Mmhm," he breathes out, shifting just so. You giggle, moving your hand in their hair, regardless of the smell that will eventually move to you as well.

"What did you do all day, locked up in here?" you ask, hoping a small chit chat will lift them up. He loves talking, when someone is listening, and you're always glad to give them this small treat that means so much.

"Trying to read in order to avoid mental spirals, and failing miserably… Before you ask, no, I'm not talking about the context of the spirals," they raise their head to make eye contact, you can see what he means just by looking at those tired eyes.

"You don't have to talk," you smile. He breathes out some of the tension, their cold hand moving to make a small grip on your neck. You cup it and hope it's not an offending response, the pinkish explosions in their ears and cheeks proving you correct. He tries to hide it by shoving his face inside your neck, it's hard to suppress the giggle building up inside you.

And you sit still and silent again, your hands playing abstract games with their curly locks of hair and his hands tracing tracing patterns against your neck or back and making chills run around you. It's nice, you embrace it. Loki surely does it too.

But then, you feel drops falling on your neck, and your hands come to a halt. "Lo, are you alright?" you ask, your hands resting on their shoulders. He makes a nod against your skin, unable to make their breathing less shaky.

"Yes… I'm not sad, don't worry," he exclaims. "It's just… I've gone a long time without this," even though they try to be reassuring, it doesn't work.

"How long?" you ask. Thor has mentioned that Asgardians are a touchy society, and that physical contact is fundamental to them. Loki might be distant, and not even Æsir, but is still raised with this belief.

"Can't recall," their voice is not louder than a whisper. It's bad. Loki brags about their memory being good, even for a god, and so far there's no thing they don't seem to remember. But this, must have been eons since the memory's gone.

Loki untangles his hands from you and sits up, "it's stupid," they mutter under their breath but you still catch it.

"What's stupid?" you sit up as well, watching as they wipe away the few tears and compose his breathing.

"This… weeping like a baby over not getting hugged… I shouldn't have made you do this, I'm sorry," he sighs, staring at a wall and letting their fingers skin each other.

You move closer and take one hand to stop him, bringing it close. It's cold, your brain tells you to rub it and warm it up. They laugh, but don't pull away. "It's not stupid. A lot of people get touch starved and beings that have built societies are pack animals, it's normal," you argue.

"You're pitying me and saying those," he huffs, claiming the cold limp back.

"Well, if you want to be stupid again, I'll be here, okay?" you smile and stand up, tracing a hand on their cheek before you leave.

A small sound escapes his closed lips, and you laugh. Their cheeks get this bright red hue again, only widening your grin.

"How blessed am I to be the very first Mortal to listen to Prince Loki of Asgard and King Of Jötunnheim If You Squint Your Eyes Enough whine like a little kitten?" you smile, your voice trying to mimic his grandiose tone.

"Shut up, I didn't whine," they spit, face getting more and more bright.

"And what was this sound?"

He thinks, opens his mouth, closes it again and rubs one hand to his chin. "Not a whine," they decide. You laugh again.

"You can just say you liked me running my hand through your cheek,"

"Come here, I'm not done cuddling yet. And if you tell anyone about this, there will be no corpse of yours to bury," the tone you tried to mimic appears on his voice. You smile and obey, sitting on his lap and letting your head rest on their shoulder, eyes closed. He picks you up with ease and lays on the bed, laying you on their chest and running a freezing hand on your back.

You sit there until the sun is down and Thor knocks on the door to inform Loki that dinner will be served in the living room, Steve decided to have another movie night. They instruct you to wait until it's clear before you make your way there, and he lets his fingers slip closer to yours as you walk down the corridor.

[lavenderhazelover]

Quarantine

POV: the world is experiencing its first pandemic in your lifetime, even your parents and grandparents lifetime. Your country is now taking the necessary precautions. Social distancing is in full force. You decide to be quarantined with your favorite boy. (sorry y'all, I had to do it) 

Jake:

- Jake is very supportive during this whole time of uncertainty. he takes the time to watch videos with you, discuss all your worries, and educate yourselves on what is actually happening. 

- he helps you manage your work from home and doesn’t complain when you use this time to reorganize the house and is willing to help in any way.

-during down time you find yourself staring at him as he does what loves most, play music. 

-”would you like me to teach you?” he offers and your face lights up. “of course Jake, but no promises on how good of a student I'll be.” 

-Jake is the most patient teacher and being able to learn from him about something he is so passionate about is an honor. 

- at the end of the lesson, you take his hand and kiss his fingers, “I am so lucky to have you as a teacher.” Jake smirks and says “just promise not to take my spot in the band.”

- you let out a laugh that echos through the house and say “I am no where near as talented or good looking.”

Josh:

- Josh runs into the bedroom, slightly sweaty, and spits out “where are the suitcases?” so quickly it sounds as if he there's no space in between the words. “guest room closet.... and uh why?” you question him. “the country is closing and we are going to the cabin!” he says with a smile on his face spread from ear to ear

- “I'm not saying I'm not interested, because I am, but is this our smartest choice?” you ask. 

- “you and your worries! y/n, we are more of a help to society by isolating ourselves in the woods for a few weeks. your classes are online and your job is off for the seeable future. let’s just go. we’ll stop by the store on the way.” he gives you a reassuring shoulder rub as he says this. 

- you had never been more thankful for Josh’s small but fierce stature as he navigated the war zone that was the grocery store

- then it was windows down, John Denver up, and an open road. 2 hours later you pulled into your home away from home

-the days were spent mostly outside, whether it was hiking, laying in a hammock, or just exploring

-when you weren't outside, you spent time reading or working on puzzles while Josh was writing. 

-each day as the sun reflected off his brown eyes, you were left in awe of how this beautiful human being continued to choose you every day. 

Danny:

- in preparation, his first thought is to help others. He volunteers to buy groceries and necessities for the elderly couple next door to you. 

- he then plans a trip to the store to make sure you both have what you need for the next two+ weeks, within in reason of course. 

- after coming home and unpacking, Danny decides it’s best to have a schedule for the days to come. He says “it will keep some sense of normality if we have a schedule and make sure we don’t go stir crazy.”

- the schedule is full of walks around the block, puzzles, jam sessions (for him, you just watch in awe), FaceTime dates with Sam, cooking meals together, movie time, a homemade putt-putt course in the backyard, and watching game shows together. you can't help but swoon when seeing the pride on Danny’s face when he answers the jeopardy questions correctly

- your favorite part of Danny is the way he honors your alone time. He knows it’s healthy for each of you to have some “me time” even while under the same roof. 

- “y/n, I think we make a great quaran-team” Danny states. you turn around to see the biggest grin on his face and bust out with laughter. “you are so cheesy, but I agree. I could stay here with you forever.” 

-”then stay.” he says so matter of factly. 

Sam:

- in true Samuel fashion, he is treating this as one extended slumber party. He has purchased your favorite snacks, face masks, rom-coms, and alcohol.  

- “sam, is this just a girls stay-cation or what?” you say as you pull the face masks out of the bag. “y/n, men need a good skin care routine too.” he says. “plus, our stay-cation is saving lives” he adds with a wink. 

- games are also a must. from board games to video games, you and Sam love a lil competition. the look of pure satisfaction on Sam’s face when he wins in Mario Kart makes up for your loss. 

- most of the days are spent laughing, being goofy, and sending Danny the funniest “quarantine updates” videos that usually result in an eye roll from him. 

- the only time you and sam quarrel is when it comes to what songs to choose for the living room dance party, disco ball and all. 

-he even includes “date night” and has you dress up. when you walk into the dining room there are candles on the table, a home cooked meal, and Sam wearing a suit. 

-”even during a worldwide pandemic you know how to make a girl feel special” you say. “y/n, I was hoping you would wear that dress so I can get you out of it later” Sam says with that undeniable charm. 

creators note: LMAO I AM WILDIN. once again, I am an illiterate fool. I tried my best to proofread, but we all know that does not go well for me. I tried my best here and thought it would be a fun distraction for us all. but for the record, it has to be said again, I am not a writer nor do I claim to be. this is just something fun for me. 

[weaverlings]

Time Works

Poorly, or not at all. Like love. Unscientifically. In mysterious ways, mostly.

Night Vale has changed, whether or not its citizens know.

god idk I did this all at once tonight because I’m emotional?? about tomorrow?? year 8 yeah okay!!!!!!

this is extremely post episode 150, 100% pure hypothetical but I had fun playing with some concepts

content note for anxiety, accidental pregnancy, alcohol, spiders

AO3 Link

- - - - - -

Three o'clock in the morning. That meant something now. 

Time, lost sleep, sweat, dreams. All soaked into the sheets. It felt like the AC was off for some reason. Why would the AC be off? It was not Pioneer Day again, yet. The clock was still on, red digits leaking onto Cecil's lacquered night stand. 

Three-oh-one, now. His shirt was damp against his back. His arm was trapped under Carlos' back, so he couldn't really roll over to see the clock. He could only lie there, and glance at it, and not fall back asleep. He tried to ease his arm free, as Carlos' warmth had broken into the heat of deep sleep, the heat of a summer night that contradicted every lecture on desert safety and survival from his boy scout days.

Almost forty years ago now. That meant something. 

Carlos made a sound. An abrupt sigh, a heavy breath. His lungs catching up with the rest of him. Cecil thought that this meant he had not been gentle enough, although Carlos would not have understood it that way. 

"Ceec?" 

"It's nothing. Go back to sleep."

"Mmm? Mmm-no, hold on..." Carlos protested, and rolled onto his side. 

Cecil caught Carlos' hand as it slipped over his stomach. He squeezed, kissed Carlos' knuckles, and then, delicately, tucked his husband's hand between them so that he could sit up. He whispered, "I just need a drink of water."

He closed the bathroom door behind him, and thought, this is what mirrors are for, and his heart quivered in his throat, but his thoughts were running away from him now, his thoughts were heat-haze-

This is a moment that belongs to a mirror, I should lean on the countertop, and I should look, look in and really see- 

He did not touch the black drape. It hung, still and opaque. His heartbeat throbbed in his skull, rushing in his ears, eating into his perception of space. He did want some water. That had been true, still was. He had frightened himself now, and if he grabbed the tap, then his knuckles might brush the cloth behind it. He might touch the mirror. Well, he couldn't, but he might come as close as he could. 

Nearly forty-five years ago, his mother had warned him. She had looked into his eyes, and he had looked back, wide, grinning, knowing only the attention of someone who loved him. She had looked into his eyes, until he giggled, but she had never laughed. 

That meant something now. He had been too young to understand then, but he had broken the moment. A moment, a mirror. And he was old enough to understand now, it hadn't been his fault.

He just, he needed some water. That was all. He reached for his glass by the sink, a novelty glass with fading paint: S  my's Ultima lic ria. Half the S was gone, too, worn away by his thumb over the years. There was a knock on the door. He dropped the glass. 

It shattered. 

The door opened. The glass shattered under the sharp, orange light, and now what had been maybe three-quarters of a pizza slice were fragments of cartoon eyeballs on fragments of lumpy yellow background. 

Carlos leaned in through the doorway, speaking past a hand over his mouth. "Aww, honey! Are you okay? Oh, I'm so sorry, I know that glass was your favorite, I didn't mean-"

"I know," Cecil said, too quickly. He reached out over the shards. Carlos took his hand tightly, and Cecil's pulse softened, or at least, throbbed less behind his eyes. And then Carlos let go, and blew Cecil an apologetic kiss. 

Carlos said, "I'll go grab a broom. And some slippers. Closed-toed footwear is very important for safety. So you stay right where you are until I've got some, okay? Don't move!"

Cecil did move, but it was to lean back and brace himself against the counter. It had been around ten minutes, probably. Three-eleven in the morning. That meant he was never getting his glass back. It had lasted him over thirty-five years. He felt something pulling in his chest, testing the connection between his heart and its vessels.

He would just have to find a new one. 

------

The house was quiet without Roger. 

The house was quiet with Roger, but it was a different kind of quiet. There were ripples: traffic through the open window. The humming fridge. The sound of the traffic coming in through the open window tearing out the doorway that he had thoughtfully left open for them. But otherwise, the quiet had settled, with no young voice to ask Earl about lunch, or to drive him to meet his friends in the sand wastes. 

Roger was at his mother's. Roger's mother had once been Earl's girlfriend, and now they had a custody agreement. It was all amicable.

What had happened was this: Earl had been nineteen for exactly one year. During that year, he had dated a young woman, and they had sex. They used birth control. It worked. They'd graduated college and gone their separate ways. Several years later, after Earl had established himself in an upscale kitchen, they tried again as adults. As independent adults, anyway. 

They had sex. They used birth control. It failed. They talked about what to do - if they wanted to let the pregnancy become a child. If she wanted that, most importantly. 

She did. And then, they did. They had decent means and familial support. They could make their life work with a child in it, they thought. They turned out to be wrong. They could not make their life work at all, but, in the end, they had made their lives work with a child in it. They were better co-parents than partners. 

It was all perfectly amicable, as long as they both remembered that the other existed. It had been that way for as long as Earl remembered now, too. Their lawyers had both had a lot to say to him, regarding the fact that he had picked Roger up for the school year a few years back and never returned. 

But there had been a custody agreement, and Earl had always adhered to it perfectly. Hadn't he? He'd asked Roger's mother. Didn't she remember all the time she had spent with their son over the years?

She did. No one asked Roger what he remembered. Earl didn't ask, because he couldn't bear to. He couldn't guess his co-parent's motivation, and it was better not to try. Better to just leave things as amicable. 

The Faceless Old Woman had been disappointed by just how amicable it was. She'd wanted some drama. Humans were good at drama, but all that had happened was this: Roger's mother rang the doorbell. Earl clapped his son on the shoulder and asked if he had everything. Roger nodded silently and shrugged his duffel bag up on his shoulder, and he left without saying anything.

The house was usually quiet, even with Roger. 

But there was texture, or tension, or there was something, anyway. The Faceless Old Woman had opened the window to let the traffic in as a kind of protest, and to disrupt the specific quiet that settled over the house. Earl closed the window before he left, so that he could lock the door on his way out. 

He was an adult with a social life, and time to spend. He had plans that afternoon with an old friend and his husband. They would provide the groceries, the knives, and some labor, because cooking together could be a joyful labor as long as no one was paying you to do it. He would provide the rest of the labor, and his choice of wine. 

Several hours later, there was a roast in Cecil and Carlos' oven, gleaming with lead-free glaze that Earl had brushed on just so. Potatoes topped with pencil shaving crust and casserole dish of green beans waited in the warming drawer underneath. The bottle of wine was down about halfway, although not all of that had actually been drunk yet. All three men were feeling pleasant and companionable, not watching a movie while they waited for the roast to finish. 

Carlos volunteered to get up to check on it. It took him a minute and three kisses to untangle himself from his husband. 

"So, how are things back at your place?" Cecil asked, draped over the armrest of the couch to face Earl. "Enjoying some peace and quiet?"

Earl sipped. He said, "It's quiet."

Cecil straightened. "But you're not enjoying it?"

"Well, I'm not… not enjoying it. But it's different. It's like, I'd just gotten used to things being one way, and now it's another…"

"Oh, yeah, I totally know what you-"

"But that's not true, either. It's been like this for a long time. I mean, I've shared custody of Roger for… for most of my adult life."

"Well, of course. But that doesn't mean it can't be tough," Cecil offered sympathetically. 

"Of course?"

"Well… Yeah. Yeah, of course?"

"No. Not of course. Because it's new, isn't it? It's always been this way, but not for long."

Cecil was silent. Cecil was watching the movie, Earl realized.

Earl leaned forward in his chair. "You know what I mean, right? Don't you, Cecil? I can't… That's the only way I can describe it, but you… How would you describe it?"

Cecil picked up his glass, but did not drink. He twirled it between his fingers, and closed his eyes. "I wouldn't. I wouldn't describe it, Earl."

"But that's what you do, right?"

Cecil treated him to an odd half-smile, as if there had ever been a normal one. Here, he saw an out. "Actually, that's more Carlos' territory. I'm just a humble reporter."

"Oh, really?" Earl looked over Cecil's shoulder, as Carlos came back into the room. Cecil looked behind him, and then to Earl again, shaking his head minutely. Earl hesitated as Carlos came around to take his seat. In the end, he took a gulp of his own wine and caught Cecil's eye defiantly. "Hey, Carlos. What do you think?"

Carlos nodded, and began ticking off items on his fingers. "The roast isn't done yet. The sky is a perfect, cloudless blue, and how often does that happen? I'm pretty worried about it. This movie has a lot of scientific inaccuracies, so maybe we could try another?"

Carlos had not heard what they were talking about.

Earl said, "Uh, sure! But that's not what I meant. I meant, what do you think about the fact that, things haven't been the way they've always been for long."

"Always is a fallacy."

"He's right, you know," Cecil marvelled, and kissed Carlos' cheek. "My brilliant scientist…"

"Okay, fine. But, like… Things have been this way for a while. You know, just things. Life. Except, actually, it's been… two months, at most. No. Almost a month and a half."

Carlos took stock of his current sensory input. He could see Earl, still forward in his seat, eager in an almost biting way. He could also feel his husband, the body pressed against his, the fingers wrapped tight around his shoulder. 

"I haven't studied that yet, so it would be irresponsible of me to say," Carlos said carefully. "But I think that I like how things are now. I think that maybe I'll study it, but I'd rather enjoy this state of being, this... right now, you know? Than pick it apart." 

"I think this is far more entertaining than the movie," the Faceless Old Woman who secretly lived in their home crooned from somewhere above the couch. "But lay off on the insect treatments, okay? I'm running out of snacks." 

She was just glad they hadn't gone to a restaurant, or somewhere that was not a home. She'd hoped to keep tabs on the fidgety one, the one who was a mass of sloshing darkness inside, and she could do that just fine here. She could do that in all homes at once. Time had never been her problem.

------

Maureen still lived with her parents, so she joined Michelle at her apartment after work most nights. It was a small place, capturing perfectly the idea of bare bones. Most of the decor that there was, was skull themed. Skull-patterned cushions on a built-it-yourself couch. Skull-patterned bedding. 

All the mugs were just skulls with the jaws removed. There were mostly mugs in the kitchen. One plate, a scattering of forks, and Michelle hadn't even filled the hot milk drawer yet. That was millennial life: a floating existence, easy to uproot. She'd have a hot milk drawer one day, if she ever settled down.

Maybe it would be their hot milk drawer. That'd be nice, they both thought, but they didn't know how to approach such a personal subject with each other yet. So they kept bouncing on Michelle's carpet. They were recording a hopcore album together. That was a subject they could handle. 

They could also handle the neighbors below them, who were throwing shoes and rocks and occasionally fruit at their ceiling to express their displeasure. Maureen had brought over a tube of wolf spider insulation that night. She had poured it down the vents, and then super-glued the vents shut. 

It'd take a few days, Maureen promised, but soon they'd have a lot less editing to do. Maureen was pretty good at editing - she'd had a lot of experiencing working with auditory media, which was exactly why she hated it. So Michelle handled that, but Maureen didn't mind pitching in to lighten the load. 

Michelle wouldn't have minded, either way. She liked editing what they made together. She heard it more closely than anyone that way, even Maureen herself. She'd select a tiny clip of their breathing and loop it, under a second, again and again and again and. Until it had been several seconds, and then she pressed delete, and their breathing was gone forever. 

Michelle didn't know how to feel about that, but it curdled in her chest, and as long as Maureen stayed with her, she'd have time to figure things out.

They'd just kind of been doing this. Michelle had just locked up the shop, like always, when her phone buzzed. It was Maureen, asking if Michelle wanted to hang. Michelle did, and invited Maureen over. Michelle had gone home, like always, just letting her feet deal with the problem of navigation. 

And then, like always, Maureen had been waiting by the door to the apartment. 

It had never happened before, and one day, Maureen would have a key, and also not live with her parents anymore. But until that day, meeting Maureen outside was what it meant to come home.

------

The bleachers of the Night Vale High School gymnasium were mostly empty. The Night Vale High wheelchair basketball team was in its off-season, but they were holding a scrimmage that day to stay sharp. It wasn't something that demanded any audience, but it had one. A loose collection of bored siblings tagging along with supportive parents. A few peers trying to look bored, like they were only here for want of anything else to do, although they obviously had crushes on team members. 

Cecil, Carlos, Steve, and Abby sat together in the front row. Steve, as assistant coach, occasionally called out encouragement, or a suggestion here and there. Cecil, as a doting uncle, did the same. Whenever a husband jumped up to offer their input, Abby and Carlos, leaning back on the bleachers, shared a smile. 

Congratulations were in order after the game, of course. Janice high-fived her parents and uncles before heading to the locker room. Carlos volunteered to grab some snacks from the vending machine; it was still early and warm, and the gators would be too busy sunning themselves by the doors to be an effective barrier. 

Abby left to bring the car around, in part just because she could, just to enjoy the knowledge that she could leave her husband and brother in the same room, and no one would get hurt. 

"Hard to believe she's gonna be graduating in a year." Steve shook his head. "They grow up so fast."

Cecil was actually silent as they left the gym. "Oh, god! She is. Wow. Well, she's growing into a great young woman."

"Uh-huh. She's got a lot of great people to look up to. Her mother's a real winner. And her uncles aren't half-bad, either." Steve chuckled. He often did this. 

"Yes, well. Her dad is also… a good guy." Cecil said, after clearing his throat. Steve often chuckled, and this still annoyed him. God, it was so annoying. But Steve was a good guy, and more importantly: "A really solid dad, yup."

"We do the best we can with the time we've got. Just gotta hope it's enough." 

"Is it ever?"

The hallway was empty, choked with the absence of students and teachers. Their steps echoed off the lockers. 

Steve got the point. "No. I guess not."

Cecil thought about Janice. She had grown and changed so much. That was what childhood was. There was no stillness in childhood. She was hurtling, always, at speeds that would have made him sick now. He had done the same thing, but. 

It just all felt impossible. He'd been a community radio show host since before she was even born, and he would stay that way until someone pried the microphone from his cold, dead hands. Probably, this would happen literally. That was exactly what he wanted. 

It had been what he wanted, once. He had been a community radio show host for twenty-five years, and yes, he would stay that way. So, nothing changed. Or, everything did, and he couldn't understand or follow along in any meaningful way. He just reported on it. 

Soon, his niece would be graduating high school. But he would still be a radio host. His purpose would not change. His identity would not change. There was something in his chest, pulling. Something testing the connection between his heart and its vessels.

He could just say: nothing will change. This is how it is , until that was true. 

"Hey, are you doing okay? You're pretty quiet."

"What?" And then, realizing the question left a gap Cecil did not want to fill, he said, "Uh, yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay. You're just not usually quiet."

"I am perfectly capable of being quiet, Steve."

He was. He could be quiet. Sometimes, he even liked it. Curled up on the couch next to his husband, Carlos pressing idle kisses over his collarbone, his head tipped up to invite them. Quiet in the middle of a movie, or when they read on their phones before bed. 

Quiet at the dinner table, as he and Carlos delighted in Earl's cooking too much to compliment it right away. 

Quiet listening to Michelle's newest apiary arrangement, which she most certainly did not want his old-fashioned opinion of. 

Quiet, rapt in the audience of Janice's third ballet fight, the last before she'd given it up for basketball captaincy. 

And even in his studio, waiting for the weather to finish. 

They left the high school, and stepped into the bright afternoon. Carlos was already waiting outside with packages of gator jerky and orange juice. Cecil took some snacks, mostly to free his husband's hand for holding. He kissed Carlos on the cheek, and thought, I want this , so he kissed Carlos again, and then Carlos kissed him, and that frantic pull in his chest snapped. There was something spreading inside of him, a liquid sensation like internal bleeding, but freeing. 

His identity would not change, nor would it be limited. He could be a radio host, and not only that. With time, he would learn what else.

------

Cecil cleared their table at Big Rico's while Carlos settled the check. When the scientist came back, he set down something new. It was a novelty glass. The paint was crisp and bright. The motto, "No one does a slice like Big Rico. No one," was printed on it, where Big Rico was written in the logo font.

"Here, babe. I got this for you."

"Ooh, Carlos! I love it, aw! Thank you!"

"Of course. I mean, it's just to replace the one that broke."

"Yeah, but it's from you. That means… everything."

Actually, he could find a metaphor in it. That was his territory, more than description. He could draw a line, a narrative arc, from what had broken to what he held in his hands now. Something old and faded and certainly serviceable, but just not representative of where he ate lunch anymore, much less who he was. 

Also, Carlos had gotten it for him. So, seriously. Cecil loved it.

"As long as you like it."

"I do. I love it." Cecil held the gift to his chest in both hands, and kissed Carlos with it still between them. 

Then he thought the better of it, and broke off long enough to set it down. It needed to at least make it home with them. They kissed again, not for long, but embracing fully this time. They gathered up the leftovers, and Cecil held the door for Carlos on the way out.

"After you, Doctor!"

He really did have a brilliant husband, after all. Always was a fallacy. They were now, and that was enough. 

[twelvehumss]

“Maybe in this way, I can finally forget about you.”

                                               Seat #12, C8-A Room 305, Caloocan Campus

                                                                            December 8, 2020; Tuesday

Hoy Crush,

I just want to share that while I was writing this, I wanted to go back to the past to accurately capture everything I was feeling. But I don’t want to and I don’t need to go back, because I can still remember vaguely the bittersweet emotions you let me feel, your hesitant smiles and barking laugh that won’t leave my mind. I just want to say….., no, I don’t want to say that I’m still hopelessly in love with you.

Let's start from the top, from the first year of high school when I fell for you. 

First-year I got to know you, you were only my seatmate. We were both quiet, anti-social I guess, and honor students. You and I were neck to neck in the runner-ups. I dreaded talking to you or exchanging our notebooks for seatworks. I could never look at my right nor at the windows because I never wanted to lock eyes with you. People fall because of the sincerity displayed through the eyes. Ironic because I've avoided looking at your eyes, yet there I was, falling for you. 

Second-year was when I'm horribly conscious of my growing feelings for you. Both of us grew comfortable with our classmates, you turned out to be very noisy. You and I level-upped, now we're talking through the screens. It started with me being your “assignment notebook,” you would chat with me every night to ask what assignments we have to accomplish. I didn't mind because you and I get to talk right? The idea of you using me was far from my mind at that time. A couple of times, I did mind though, and I would try to cut you off; but somehow I always go back to talking to you, reporting the assignments due tomorrow. Speechfest practices were also a thing, when I would beg and beg my parents to take me to practice, I told them because I was “needed.” I knew practices during the weekends were useless, yet I tolerated my parents’ wrath because I wanted to see you during the weekends. It caused me a lot of pain and stress because I knew I wasn't acting my real self and I also hurt other important people in my life for you. I stopped eating rice during dinner because I was aware that you don’t like fat girls. I was shaping myself to be the girl that you like and I suffered a lot. Midway through the year, I forcefully shut off my feelings, believing in the lie that I talked to you every day was because I wanted to be your friend, not because I like you. 

Third-year was when things got rockier. I continued adamantly shutting off my heart and emotions. I was scared of falling deeper, scared of losing myself, scared of hurting other people because of my selfishness. I stopped caring about my image and how I would look to you, personality-wise. I changed a lot in the third year. I forcefully opened myself to what I thought was the real me. I got rid of all the fake characteristics that I adopted before. Ironically yet again, the third year was the year I had the most fun with you, the year I fell for you even more, unconsciously, with no turning back. There is a saying which I know of, "the more you hate, the more you love." It was similar to my own experience of "the more you suppress your feelings, the more the feelings will grow." I should have realized my mistake back then but I remained stubborn about being apathetic. 

Fourth-year was kind of like a goodbye because you were leaving for another school. I was happy and sad at the same time. I was happy because I knew then that I would be free of love the moment you leave for another school. I was also sad because classes wouldn't be the same without you. If you left for another school, our connection would be lost, talking would be difficult. But this year was also the year when we both conveniently stopped being seatmates, stopped talking collectively. Because of that, slowly I opened my heart. You and I had fewer interactions that year that's why I allowed myself to be more carefree. One more year and I didn't have to act stiff around you. Although I tried talking to you online on some occasions because you looked tired and was always sleeping during the break. If I really cared for you, I should have known you were going through some things. And I should have tried to help you. 

Fifth-year came and I was buoyant that I'm finally free. It felt like I was given freedom, released from a cage, or broke through my plastic phase. I can be silly when I want to be, I can volunteer to dance or act for plays that I used to decline, basically everything that I wanted to do but didn't when you were still here, I did. I didn't do those activities for the last four years because I was embarrassed of you seeing this side of me, I wanted to seem cool. I was scared that you'll tease me and say hurtful things to me. I was afraid of rejection even though I know you will never like me. I was finally happy and free for the longest time, enjoying my real self, and taking care of the mess that I am. Yet, even though you were not beside me anymore, I still wonder about you and I still think about you. I missed our afternoon classes where we would joke about useless things, days where loud afternoons are heard from every corner of the school. So, in a moment of weakness, I chatted with you, asked how you were. Dumbest move I’ve ever done, to be honest, I should have cut the thread while it rotted. 

Let’s go downhill from here, how I realized this love was comforting and killing me, in the softest, most agonizing way. 

I did so many clownish things that I want to bury myself in the ground. If I were to write all the things I did for you, I would last here for a month. I destroyed myself for the last four almost five years because I like you. I’m stupid when it comes to love and you, and I hated myself for a long time because of that. I hate love because I don't want to feel uncomfortable, stiff, or restricted. I hate feeling flustered and embarrassed, I felt all of that with you. So I did the only logical thing I knew back then, which was to shut off my emotions and heart. I've erased so much of you from my memories. I've erased your favorite color, favorite movie and how you look like. I've erased the most fun memory I had with you. I erased what your singing voice sounded like, your pet peeves, and your dreams. I erased every piece of information that I worked hard to collect from you. I was afraid that if I remember anything that is you, I would lose control and I would go back to step one. I literally locked myself into oblivion, believing love was indifference, didn’t I? Maybe I didn’t know you very well, or I don’t know you now. Most of your archives in those four years, I’ve erased and deleted. Yet, I can’t help but feel that you’re always kind and warm, like early rays of dawn enveloping me, leaving me to crave for cold and indifference. 

One thing I can remember is how you voiced my name. It was that one time I tried recalling what your voice sounded like, and your voice wafted through my mind saying my name. Frustrating enough as it is, that memory stuck by me and I never erased it. 

I want to say I hate your laugh. I swear that every time I hear it, I fall in love all over again. Your laugh is the loudest, most boisterous sound I’ve ever heard, yet it had the ability to wake my numb heart. It made me jump out of my skin because seriously, who laughs like thunder? But it’s a nice sound, I looked forward to hearing it every day, eventually becoming a daily drug. Especially when I was the one who caused you to laugh, it was the most rewarding thing ever. 

Fruits that grew on trees, eventually fall and rot. Sometimes, I hate myself for having a crush that I intentionally make myself disgusted. I would make my indifference towards you a hundred times stronger than before, ultimately leading to a loss of appetite and motivation. I feel really disgusted that it feels like I never showered. If I ever lowered my guard down and daydreamed about you, I would mentally abuse myself. I manipulated my mind to think that I hated you, you are a bad apple in my tree. Part of my weight loss was also because of you, I was always remembering encounters with you that I want badly to be deleted, I lost my appetite on some nights. At some point during my fourth year, when you and I stopped talking, I tricked myself into believing I moved on. And I believed that ever since. Such a fucking joke isn't it, because one year later you still remained stuck in my thoughts. On the good side, I wasn't that afraid of love one year before because you and I enrolled in different schools. That's why I tried talking to you on multiple occasions after you left, purely wanting to know if you're okay, each of them was horribly forced and embarrassing. So I didn't dare try to talk to you again. One reason why I talked to you again, was because I wanted to hold on to what we used to be. I should have, should have known that you would change. Not going to lie though, I still waited for any news or response about you. 

If you want to know how much I've damaged myself, know that I'm disgusted at writing this letter of open love, recounting my memories of you that were locked up in the dark, a stranger trying to describe my own feelings. I'm disgusted at the way I look now, at the scars on my face and the weight I gained because I imagined talking to you when writing this letter. My physical features are so far from what your ideal girl looks like, one of the reasons why it was hard to write it in the first place. Four years of being apathetic when it comes to romance make it hard to write also when my dream of being an author to accurately capture feelings is also a needed aspect of being one. I still can't bring myself to eat rice during dinner or just eat a lot on some occasions. Even while writing this, I feel myself wanting to revert to old habits. 

I'm just going to say it here that I miss you and I want to talk to you again. But I'm really afraid of meeting up in person, terrified of falling deeper. I never want to see you again, never want to be in the same place as you. I’ve hurt myself so much these past years, I'm not a masochist to want to feel pain again. I don't want to be seen by you, I just want to hide. I know I'm just an insignificant person in your life, but you were freaking big in mine. All those years before that I thought I was moving on, I'm just starting to get over you now.

Wala kang kasalanan dito, akin ‘to lahat, kasalanan kong duwag ako at tinago ko ang mga pakiramdang dapat hinayaan ko na lang. None of this was ever your fault, and I never blamed any of it on you. You were innocent in my mess, and I’d like to protect the remaining sunshine you still have. There are still so many things I wanted to talk about, so many things I wanted to show you. I'm saying goodbye right here because I can't take any more damage. 

In truth really, I had fun talking to you, I had fun in the last few years. I'm thankful that you opened up to me, thankful that you didn't push me away. 

I wish things could've been different, I wish I had the courage to apologize for my mess. Please forget about me. 

                                  >>>>>>>> natsukashii <<<<<<<<

[punkscowardschampions]

Junior & Nancy

Gay nerds

Junior: Nance, how on earth are you tackling this art project? To say I'm discombobulated is an understatement that isn't getting me an A any time soon! Nancy: 😕 sums it up in a way. Obviously I can fall back on the twin thing but is that too safe? 😩 But we couldn't be more different Junior: 😖 Like, I love how vague and open to our own interpretation it is...but also I fucking hate how vague and open to our own interpretation it is! 😢😂 No one would blame you; least of all me, 'cos I was tempted- being the sore thumb I am when counting our ten- and I've not even got the twin angle everyone is so about in all areas of art tbh Junior: If nothing else, Buster is a willing participant in a photo op always? Junior: Ooh, you could get something matchy match from your childhood photos (I know they exist) and splice it with portraits of you now...Think that elevates it Nancy: You've put your finger on it. Nancy: But I don't think you're so right about the lack of blame 🤔 even with the boy/girl straight/gay redhead/brunette angle it still feels ??? Nancy: Basic 😒 Junior: I get you Junior: Meant to become the next Magritte in just 4 weeks, like !!! Junior: Well, I've heard at least 4 girls from class saying they're going to do a heavily made-up portrait next to a #nofilter #naturalbeauty one so Junior: We'll do better than that by default but I'd like to come up with something vaguely original still Junior: Miss' sanity relies on us lowkey, no pressure 😷😜 Nancy: I had that passing thought let it go though 😜 Nancy: You could text her Nancy: 😕 yes pressure Nancy: What to do? Junior: I like to keep it in professional hours Junior: for her sake, she gets a bit amorous when she's had a glass o vino after work Nancy: 😮 she does? Nancy: can I bribe my way to top of the class by raiding the cellar Junior: That was my second suggestion 😏 Junior: Take one for the team please 🙏 Nancy: but she's straight STRAIGHT Nancy: couldn't be enough Nancy: back to the mindmap Junior: Damn straights 😒 Junior: if all else fails, we can put this grade next to our last Junior: break the fourth wall, v meta Nancy: our school gets the one bohemian who is Nancy: put her next to the sterotypical art teacher Junior: did you mean my mother? 🤔 Junior: her, the engineer, hilarious 😂 Junior: Mum'd be up for it, you may borrow her Nancy: I might yet Nancy: when's this due again? Junior: we've still got 3 weeks, don't worry Junior: just trying to get it over and done with here Nancy: I should Nancy: The Tempest essay is due soon Junior: Don't remind me, even the gayness can't make it enjoyable, like many a teen show 🤷 Junior: Could combine? Somehow? Umm Junior: The supernatural characters and the humans...why yes, I am clutching at straws Junior: This term is killing me Nancy: If I'd get away with handing in some shots instead of an essay I would Nancy: not happening Nancy: 😩 Nancy: What ideas have you had? For the juxtaposition...forget the tempest Nancy: burn that Junior: If only, 1000 words=1 photograph, no contest really Junior: again, if only Will had 💀 Junior: The idea I can't get out of my head, even though it has been done to death so is BEYOND basic, is mashing up a classical art piece with something modern and pop culture...to say something about me (eww!) Junior: Tbf, they usually use Renaissance or very very famous art pieces so I could win points by using some relevant surrealism/ going beyond calling Mona Lisa #flawless Junior: Its all I've got Nancy: I think it's good Nancy: Let's both run with overused concepts and make them not basic in our way Nancy: act like we planned it Nancy: nobody has to know we had no other ideas Junior: Absolutely 😎 Junior: Total confidence is key, comes so natural to the both of us, like Junior: I think worrying about being 'original' is the true hack thing to do here anyway 💅 Nancy joined the chat 13 hours ago Nancy: 😖 yes Nancy: stealing that all Nancy: now if you could keep it going and give me some thoughts on shakespeare to plagiarize 😜 Junior: If I could, I would but even SparkNotes isn't helping me Junior: shall we peruse the best film/stage adaptations? maybe tomorrow night if you're free Nancy: I've seen the 2010 version a few times for obvious reasons Nancy: but yeah the others not so much Nancy: we need to do something that isn't me asking my mum for help Junior: Oh, babe 😂 that's the real tragedy here, you doing that to yourself Junior: maybe I'll borrow her and she can do mine for me Junior: still down for a movie night obviously Nancy: 🙉 Nancy: Lead female character Nancy: Shakespeare should've Nancy: Please do take her Nancy: mum swap 😂 Junior: As much as Bill LOVED any excuse for a drag show darling... stick with the evil queens and witches 😘 Junior: Let's do this, full family swap! Let them drive you insane for a bit whilst I live the life 😬 Nancy: Switch that around both my parents are so type A Nancy: Plus you've got all the brothers and sisters to dodge behind Nancy: Buster takes more heat off than most but he's still just one boy Junior: well, mine would refuse to be bound to a type, just as annoying I promise Junior: Its true I can mostly fade into obscurity with all their shenanigans, yet it still somehow isn't the case, just 12 nosy people in your business instead of the usual 2, with a disinterested brother flexing off in the background Nancy: 🙈 Nancy: I'm not having kids Nancy: Don't care if the future wife is frantic Junior: It is an issue that divides all of us tbh Junior: I don't think I'd mind one, to put all my efforts into Junior: but unlikely Junior: unless I co-parent from the sidelines with your wife Nancy: weirder scenarios have come about Nancy: I'd prefer a kitten Junior: steal one when you come over Junior: Ma'd probably notice but really, do we need so many? Nancy: Gran's such a dog person can I get through the door Junior: True, true Junior: Always living on such extremes this fam Junior: I don't know 😏 Nancy: look at me and my brother ultimate homo and hetero Nancy: embarrassing Junior: 😂 Junior: I'd love to suggest he doth protest too much but lbr Nancy: dad's never been prouder 😂 no teen pregnancies for his little girl Nancy: shakespeare would write that Junior: Who are we putting our money on to go first Nancy: that's harder than it sounds Junior: Rio is obvious choice but I sometimes think Grace might go insane and come along and take the claim Junior: *Shudders* Nancy: change the subject I beg you Nancy: I'd rather hear about your attempts to avoid your secret admirer who's a girl and hopelessly 💘 Junior: well, I would rather pretend that was not a thing 😬 Junior: as your brother once eloquently put it, when he was very pissed, 'i could clean up and get untold amounts of pussy' Junior: and that's that on that Junior: considering getting a face transplant 'cos my off-putting demeanour is not doing enough 😒 what problems to have, eh? the privilege of it all! 😂 Nancy: maybe we should go under together Nancy: moral support and potential discount Nancy: if I get told I don't look gay one more time I'm returning my badge Junior: well, where is your crewcut and tank top, like? 🤔 Junior: out here confusing the masses like that, idk Nancy: 🙉 Nancy: Not an identical twin playing tricks either how dare I Junior: why can't you just get in your box and like it, god damn it Nance! Nancy: unrelated except about boxes but should I get some new kit for this project or am I just stalling Nancy: a memoir Junior: any excuse 😜 Junior: but yes, do it Junior: i'm using it as excuse to go 'round all the best art galleries in town again so Nancy: Can I tag along Nancy: they're so quiet it's everything Junior: Naturally Junior: We're art students, we've gotta act like it, I'll keep the pretentious commentary to a minimum if you keep the equally as pretentious 'grams down too 😘 Nancy: I'll try Nancy: The feed wants what it wants though Junior: Can't argue, just leave the real money outta the shot Junior: Gotta leave my fangirls wanting more, like 😂 Nancy: That I will promise Nancy: Not trying to be mobbed by straight girls Junior: You mean you resist the lesbian stereotype of LOVING that too?! Nancy: Somehow it's managed Junior: no mean feat, one of the few gays in the village Nancy: Don't clap it's too loud 😂 Junior: *Finger clicks like this a slam poetry night* Nancy: Thank you Nancy: [sends a selection of childhood pictures] how early years can I go before everyone's rolling their eyes Nancy: Thank you too mum for these. Why did you do this to us? 🙈 Junior: Awww what 👼 Junior: This is how I like to remember Buster, before it all went wrong... 😉 Nancy: 👶🥕 Nancy: The glory days Junior: Weren't they just? Junior: At least you didn't have an extra older sister to dress you up, that's worse...the photos I could bring out, good lord 🙄 Nancy: 😜 And I wasn't that sister. You've welcome Buster Nancy: 🍀 Junior: *Whispers* Can we agree he needs SOMEONE to give him a makeover tho Nancy: I volunteer you as tribute Nancy: I've tried Junior: Maybe next family gathering Junior: if he shows Nancy: Bide your time Nancy: birthday present failsafe idea Junior: the amount of birthday celebrations in this fam is unholy Junior: We have a better social life than I would ever wish for, ugh Nancy: don't make me think about it Nancy: I'm sharing and it's made no difference Junior: wouldn't want you to miss out on all that good good attention we all crave 😂 Nancy: 🙈 Junior: Speaking of attention, have you heard the latest gossip that has piqued our peers? Nancy: You tell me Nancy: I can't think of anything off the top of my head Junior: Mark Colm Junior: a massive gay? Junior: I can't make up my mind if they're just hysterical and he's just a bit camp Junior: or there's something in it Nancy: He's one of us Nancy: Definitely crushing on the headboy I've seen him looking Junior: Isn't everyone? Junior: Even the teachers, complete popularity contest got him that position Junior: Interesting, though... Nancy: Besides me in my minority of one Nancy: And Sian would never Junior: Sian Gaffney? She's never gay! Thought you didn't do straight girls, you're reaching there Nancy: 🙉 not her she's dating the oldest Keenan lad Jake? Blake? idk Nancy: She'd love to ride half our class anyway Junior: Ohh you mean Mrs Kelly, duh Junior: yeah she's one of the only decent teachers about, doesn't seem like she goes in for all that popularity politics Nancy: No she doesn't Junior: Seems like a good place to while away a lunchtime Nancy: don't tell everyone how fun it is there'll all wanna join me Nancy: not ready to say goodbye to my happy place Junior: I think your secret is safe from the masses, even if I suddenly got uncharacteristically chatty Junior: Even the ones that don't take the piss and are relatively decent human beings Junior: still rather go get a nandos or whatever it is they do Nancy: Yeah I'm an open book if anyone asks 😂 Nancy: I'll stick with the one stereotype I'm okay with embracing, my eager vegetarianism Nancy: No offence lads Junior: Its all kale and charitable acts with this one Junior: No ulterior motives at all 😏 Nancy: just a rich girl with more wealth than she can give away 😜 Nancy: nothing else to see here Junior: mhmm okay 👌 Junior: we'll pretend I don't know you better than that Nancy: Hey you don't know everything Junior: True Junior: are you in the mood for telling? Junior: 🤔 Nancy: Sometimes Nancy: Can't put it all in my art Junior: not if you don't want Miss to think you're trying to tell her something Junior: flattered but straight, like Nancy: She's not the one Nancy: She'll be flattered to hear Junior: Indeed Nancy: When there is someone it'd be nice to talk about it Nancy: Sometimes like I said Junior: Well, you know where I am Junior: When there is someone Nancy: But I wouldn't know where to start Nancy: I can't put words to it ?? Not the right ones Junior: That's not just you Junior: If I'm to understand all the songs and poetry professing they too have no words Junior: Can but try 🙂 Nancy: Helpful Nancy: What about you? Headboys to one side. Any crushes? Junior: No, no Junior: No point, is there Nancy: Doesn't mean there's a way to stop yourself Nancy: Wish I could just No at myself Junior: I don't know, I don't find it too hard Junior: but you're out so its different Junior: I wouldn't want to go out with anyone...even if Mark is a gay Junior: what would he want with me Nancy: You're a catch Nancy: Out or not he'd be punching above his weight to have you Junior: I don't think there's any point being with someone if you can't be open with it Junior: Being a dirty little secret isn't going to feel good for either party Nancy: For some people it feels worth it Nancy: Just to be with, or around them Junior: Perhaps Junior: Safe to say I don't feel that deeply for any lad here so yeah Junior: keeping on my shelf for now, like Nancy: There's a junxtaposition, us on our respective ledges Nancy: I can't remember what being happily single is like Nancy: Another lesbian stereotype for the list Junior: Don't, how depressing 😂 Junior: I am not about that angsty teen art life Junior: How do we get you a lady? Junior: Do we have to hit the clubs? Nancy: 🙈 Nancy: No no no Nancy: Give that up for a bad job and worse idea Nancy: I'm too picky Junior: You're speaking to me Junior: vowed a celibate here Junior: we can do this for you Nancy: We can't Nancy: Leave me in my rut Junior: Fine fine 😋 Nancy: I'll be in my dark room angsting 😂 Junior: Noted Junior: I'll drag you out for museums and Tempest film marathon tomorrow, yeah? Junior: 'Til then madame Nancy: Looking forward to it Nancy: Stay inspired 💚 Junior: Stay golden 💛

[dragonwarriorgal]

Midnight ramblings

You know, sometimes I can't stand at how introverted I feel at a big gathering.

So, I just came home after the premier of graduation films from the film school I was in 2 years ago. I was a part of 2 films out the 8 that was showing in the movie theater. During filming and post production, I was all up in social interactions left and right, and all in all, doing what my job I was hired/volunteering (I did not get paid) for. Then at the premier, I show up barely on time, got my popcorn and confused and awkward to where to sit down. So I sit a good distance from other people. (Iceland is doing super well in Covid rn) But, I still want to let the persons who owned the film to let them know that I was happy for them and congratulate them on their movie. But, introverted me was all against that and did not want to search through groups and groups of people who were clearly having a fun conversations with their friends. So naturally, as soon as my former dean said "thank you and good night, see you tomorrow at the graduation ceremony!" I got the fuck out of dodge!

Basically, I am just rambling here and hoping to vomit out my feelings here will stop myself for crying in my own pity party that I created in my head while I was driving into/away from the sunset.