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dzthenerd490 · 1 year ago

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File: Alan Wake

SCP#: AHH

Code Name: Cauldron Lake/ Reality Ocean

Object Class: OVM

Special Containment Procedures: Mobile Task Force Mnemosyne-Γ "The Darkest Minds hold the Strongest Pens" is responsible for suppressing the reality warping abilities of SCP-AHH. The Pataphysics Department and Department of Unreality manages MTF Mnemosyne-Γ as well as containment of SCP-AHH.

Mobile Task Force Mnemosyne-Γ is enforced by clones created by the Foundation given brains that are genetically programmed with vast knowledge, spliced with genes of reality benders collected by the Foundation through the years, and trained in Oneiroi. The combination of high intelligence, reality bender genes, and the ability of Oneiroi has allowed these clones to interact with SCP-AHH in ways that no normal or abnormal Foundation staff ever could before.

There are currently 35 units within MTF Mnemosyne-Γ with their physical bodies being located at various Foundation sites. 5 are located at Site-AD, 10 at Site-AG, 5 at Site-AK, 5 at Site-AM, 10 at Site-AP. The reason they are spread out is to ensure that if one Site suffers a containment breach and a team ends up killed as a result, the other MTF Mnemosyne-Γ units will continue to suppress SCP-AHH.

MTF Mnemosyne-Γ units use their ability of Oneiroi to travel to the location of SCP-AHH without physically getting close, once there they utilize their reality bending to prevent SCP-AHH from harming or even noticing them. Once there, they combined their vast intelligence and different anomalous abilities to create a metaphysical barrier around SCP-AHH to keep it from leaking out. Of course, SCP-AHH anomalous reality altering abilities makes this nearly impossible as it continues to create cracks and gaps in the barrier allowing bits of its influence to leak out. However, without MTF Mnemosyne-Γ units doing this, SCP-AHH would have caused greater damage to our world.

The town called Bright Falls that surrounds the physical location of SCP-AHH has been taken by the Foundation with the primary reason to perform physical experiments. The secondary reason is to safely escort away any civilians who accidently or try to get too close to SCP-AHH. The Third reason is to dispose of any SCP-AHH-1 instances, Foundation Laser Rifles are distributed to ensure this happens with 100% success. The town is populated by AFA-3 units programmed with Level 3 A.I., equipped with the understanding of human psychology and emotions, allowing them to be perceived as normal people. Testing has shown that Artificial Intelligence does not affect SCP-AHH at all so utilization of AFA-3 units is the best alternative to Foundation staff.

Any Civilians wandering into the town, especially with the intention of going to SCP-AHH are to be immediately given the proper amnestics to ensure they forget even knowing SCP-AHH exists. Afterwards they are to be escorted out of the town and to the nearest town immediately. Civilians who happen to be artists or writers are a much higher priority of amnestization and escorting out of the town. If any such civilian gets within a 100-meter radius of SCP-AHH they are to be executed immediately. Afterwards their body is to be escorted to the nearest Foundation site and incinerated, this applies to Foundation staff who get too close to SCP-AHH as well. There are no exceptions.

SCP-AHH-1 instances are to be killed on sight with either Foundation Laser Rifles or the various UV traps placed around the town. If somehow a unique SCP-AHH-1 instance is found, they are to be contained as best as possible and sent to one of the various underground labs in the town. If this is not possible the AFA-3 units are then programmed to record everything they witness this SCP-AHH-1 instance capable of doing to fully understand it.

Description: SCP-AHH is a lake located in the Foundation owned town of Bright Falls, Washington that acts as a Nexas point to an extradimensional pocket dimension. Within this pocket dimension is a god-like consciousness with the ability to bleed fiction and reality together. Because of its anomalous properties there is unfortunately no limit to what SCP-AHH can create, as it has been known to alter historical events, create entire Groups of Interest with people who never existed before, and even bring metaphysical monsters to life.

As such SCP-AHH is a hazardous anomaly capable of causing an CK Class Reality Reconstruction Scenario. Though how it is able to become such a hazardous scenario is what has baffled Foundation staff for decades. SCP-AHH feeds off of the work of artists and writers, being able to not only grow stronger through their imagination but able to turn their works into reality. This can include bringing characters to life, making whatever happens in a story true, turning paintings into real world locations, and even giving each of these their own detailed history that automatically overrides any part of history that contradicts it.

However as stated before SCP-AHH is a god like consciousness and has its own personality and desires. Its personality has had limited observation so the best the Foundation can say is that it's sadistic, clever, and very prideful. Furthermore SCP-AHH doesn't allow those who qualify as Artists and Writers to write freely, it will either possess them or manipulate them into creating whatever it wants. The entity is very malevolent, often trying to create vessels for itself so that it can leave the Pocket Dimension it is trapped in. This would lead to an HK Class Deific Subjugation Scenario as there would be nothing to stop SCP-AHH from altering the world however it wants and controlling the fate of all life on earth.

Unfortunately, SCP-AHH quickly became aware of its isolated status due to the Foundation containing it. As such SCP-AHH has created anomalous monsters labeled as SCP-AHH-1 instances. SCP-AHH-1 instances are metaphysical entities of living darkness that can possess any living entity or non-living object. These entities obey the will of SCP-AHH-1 and try to destroy the town the Foundation created in hopes of allowing civilians to get near SCP-AHH again. SCP-AHH-1 instances and whatever they possess are technically immortal and even indestructible as no forms of physical damage can hurt them. Human beings tend to be what SCP-AHH-1 instances prefer to possess the most, this is another reason as to why no living Foundation staff are allowed anywhere close to SCP-AHH.

SCP-AHH-1 instances don't just possess as there are certain SCP-AHH-1 instances that are especially powerful enough to create their own physical bodies. Sometimes these artificial bodies take the form of shadow humans, shadow animals, black liquid, and even living natural disasters with the most common being tornadoes. Though even SCP-AHH-1 instances that can do this are not labeled differently as they share the same weaknesses and meta physiology as regular SCP-AHH-1 instances. Furthermore, their appearances are so rare that it's impossible to properly contain and therefore study them.

SCP-AHH-1 instances can be weakened and even lose their ability to defect physical attacks when shined by light, the brighter the light the stronger the result. Once the dark barrier protection of the SCP-AHH-1 instances has broken, conventional weapons can be used to kill them. However, this process tends to take time and is tricky to enact, as such Foundation Laser Rifles are instead distributed to AFA-3 units guarding the town. Energy based attacks and even extremely bright light have been shown to kill SCP-AHH-1 instances quite easily. Furthermore, SCP-AHH-1 instances cannot survive in daylight as UV rays kill them instantly. It is for this reason UV light traps have been placed throughout the city.

SCP-AHH was discovered in the early 1960's when an auteur filmmaker form Finland named Thomas Zane came to the original Bright Falls town surrounding SCP-AHH. As he started making new art, SCP-AHH was able to feed off his work to make certain aspects of his work come to life. Foundation satellites were able to detect the anomalous activity and as a response sent in Mobile Task Force Lambda-5 "White Rabbits" was deployed.

Once SCP-AHH was discovered the Reality Fracture Dimensional Containment Field Engine, or an RFDCFE-20 for short, that was given to Lambda-5 was activated to create an energy field around SCP-AHH. The field was supposed to suppress SCP-AHH's abilities to the lake alone; unfortunately, the Foundation underestimated the reality warping abilities of SCP-AHH and the entire MTF units were wiped out or turned into powerful SCP-AHH-1 instances.

Afterwards Joint Task Force Dionysus-4 "Flip the Script" was created consisting of units from MTF Beta-777, MTF Gamma-5, MTF Epsilon-6, MTF Iota-10, MTF Lambda-5, MTF Mu-13, MTF Omicron Rho, MTF Omega-0, MTF Omega-12, and MTF Omega-45. JTF Dionysus-4 was composed of 200 units, 20 coming from each respective original MTF unit. They used their various tactics and abilities to have all the citizens found, administered amnestics, and evacuated to different towns, all while fighting off SCP-AHH-1 instances wherever they appeared. The mission took five days and led to 44 casualties within JTF Dionysus-4.

The town was originally fenced off with the cover story being an uncontainable gas leak flooded the city making it uninhabitable. However, as SCP-AHH-1 instances were getting created they started going beyond the town to attack and kidnap campers, hitchhikers, as well as inhabitants of other towns. Thus in 1970, the Foundation created AFA-3's programmed to think and act like humans, to be sent into the town disguised as regular civilians with their hidden mission being to observe and cull the SCP-AHH-1 instances. The fence and cover story remained to keep civilians out.

As more data was collected, eventually Foundation researchers were able to find the perfect way to contain SCP-AHH entirely thus Mobile Task Force Mnemosyne-Γ "The Darkest Minds hold the Strongest Pens" was created. The process to create beings powerful enough for MTF Mnemosyne-Γ took 20 years but finally in 1990 the MTF was deployed and managed to successfully suppress SCP-AHH's reality warping effects. Unfortunately, SCP-AHH-1 instances can still be created and leak out into our plane of existence. Furthermore, all previous reality alterations made by SCP-AHH cannot be reversed. To this day, the Foundation has no way to determine the full extent of SCP-AHH's damage on our reality. There is a working theory that SCP-AHH is responsible for creating several SCP's, Groups of Interest, and even The Reset itself but nothing has been confirmed.

SCP: Horror Movie Files

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newswoop · 3 months ago

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I need to get this off my chest, I'm too obsessed. I've been so busy that I haven't really been able to write, but Poppy Playtime Chapter 4 got me feeling things... I'm hoping I will get more time to write this or finish it one day. I'm not entirely happy with it, but it's a WIP. 🥺

Scp x Poppy Playtime: What would happen if Dr. Clef and Dr. Bright were assigned to the newest anomalous site, Playtime Co?

“Why do you think they sent us?” Jack asked, noisily crunching on a handful of potato chips. “Other than the whole spiel about you being a reality sink and, well… my condition.”

“Oh, they totally just want us dead,” Clef replied, casually polishing his shotgun. “Though, usually, they’re a little less subtle about it.”

Jack frowned, lowering the bag. “Yeah, that’s what’s bothering me. If they wanted to off us, there are easier ways. I heard they sent in at least three MTF teams already… none of them came back.”

Clef paused mid-polish, his head tilting slightly. For the first time, he seemed to be taking the assignment seriously.

“Three teams?” he muttered. “What do we know, then?”

Jack sighed, setting the chips aside and pulling out the dossier. Flipping it open, he skimmed the text before reading aloud. “Recovered comms suggest the environment is non-Euclidean—it folds in on itself and generally doesn’t adhere to the laws of reality. Confirmed cognitive hazards and identity warping. But get this… reality anchors don’t work there.”

Clef immediately snatched the file from his hands, flipping through the pages with growing urgency. His expression darkened with every line he read.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” he suddenly roared.

Jack winced, clapping his hands over his ears. “Jesus, warn a guy next time!”

He stared at Clef, surprised by the uncharacteristic outburst. It wasn’t like him to lose his cool—not like this.

Something was seriously wrong.

"Now you’ve got me worried," Jack tried to joke, but it fell flat.

Clef threw down the dossier in disgust. "I knew this was a suicide mission, but this is fucking ridiculous. Confirmed reality manipulation in an enclosed environment, confirmed memetic agents—and reality anchors don’t even work?"

Bright shrugged and reached for his bag of chips. "Yeah, we’re cooked. GG, chat."

Clef shot him a withering glare, but he knew better than to argue. Jack Bright didn’t fear death—he embraced it. The only thing that ever shook that confidence was the risk to his close friends and family. And while Clef fell under close friend, he was far from frail, much less in any danger.

Jack seemed to realize his friend was actually distressed, letting out a soft sigh. "Seriously, Alto. If you’re not comfortable coming in, you can call it off. As a senior staff member, you can tell the council to go fuck themselves."

Clef scoffed, shaking his head. "Call it off? And what, abandon you to a reality-warping hellhole? As much as your ugly mug pisses me off, I don’t want you dead. Definitely don’t want you permanently stuck in some non-Euclidean pocket dimension."

Jack was momentarily touched, though he quickly masked it with his usual sarcastic remarks. "Ah, good. So I’ve guilt-tripped you into helping me. God knows the council would've thrown me in there regardless!"

Neither of them could argue with that.

“Jackass,” Clef said.

He would’ve said more, but the truck came to an abrupt stop, throwing both men against the metal benches with a painful thud.

“Fuck! Give some warning next time!” Jack screeched to the front of the carrier.

The MTF either didn’t hear or give a damn since they spoke with a tired undertone, “Out. We’ve arrived.”

“Don’t you just love Lambda 5?” The immortal asked sarcastically.

“Personally, I like Zata-9 more,” Clef said, purposely raising his voice to irritate their MTF handler.

The Lambda-5 operative didn’t react. Instead, they simply slumped, their whole body radiating pure exhaustion. With a groan, they let their head bang against the steering wheel, saying nothing but letting their actions speak for them. As the two doctors gathered their things, they shared a laugh at the poor MTF’s misery.

The moment they jumped out of the carrier, the armored truck was already speeding away, kicking up a thick cloud of dust. Both men broke into coughing fits, waving at the debris as if it would make a difference.

As the dust settled, they took a moment to take in the newly quarantined SCP site. It was massive, sprawling across several acres, its faded yellows, reds, and blues giving it a deceptively harmless appearance. Towering buildings and rusted smokestacks loomed overhead, stretching hundreds of feet into the air.

“Am I the only one getting Site-13 vibes?” Clef asked, shouldering his shotgun.

“This reminds me more of the infinite IKEA, honestly,” Jack admitted.

They exchanged another glance before stepping up to the factory’s front doors. Jack gave the handle a test jiggle—and to their surprise, it swung open without resistance. Both men froze. Then, without a word, they drew their weapons, leveling them at the crack.

“Put that down,” Clef hissed, half-heartedly swatting at Jack’s arm. “Who the fuck even gave you a gun after last time?”

“I’ll have you know I’m an excellent shot,” Jack huffed, holding the glock defensively.

Clef just stared at him. “Are you hearing yourself right now? Do you not remember the Wii incident?”

Jack sniffed and waved a hand dismissively. “That was over ten years ago, Alto! And besides, that was a new body—I didn’t have good hand-eye coordination yet.”

Clef scoffed. “Motherfucker, you couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn!”

Clef was tempted to keep arguing with his delusional co-worker, but they had a job to do. With a begrudging sigh, he let it go.

“Whatever. Let’s just get this over with,” he muttered.

Without any countdown or fanfare, Clef kicked in the door, the loud bang echoing through the empty space. He slipped in first, shotgun raised, with Jack close behind. They quickly swept the room, checking for movement. Nothing.

After a moment of silence, both men holstered their weapons.

“What’s the backstory on this place?” Jack asked, eyeing the faded murals along the walls—cheerful cartoon mascots grinning down at them like they knew something.

“Didn’t you read the dossier?” Clef asked, already knowing the answer.

“Only the important bits.” Jack shrugged.

Clef sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You’re hopeless. As far as MTF reported, this is an abandoned toy factory. Though, for a place that just made toys, it’s pretty damn massive.”

Jack hummed in agreement but didn’t respond. Instead, he wandered over to the front desk, sifting through the stacks of old paperwork until something caught his eye.

“Hey, look what I found.” He held up a bright green VHS tape with a grin. “An antique—just like me!”

“What the fuck?” Clef snatched it from his hands. “Who still has VHS tapes and VHS player? It’s 2025.”

Jack shrugged. “They did say this place appeared suddenly—maybe it’s from a universe with a different timeline. Besides, it looks like it’s been abandoned for a while.”

Clef flipped the tape over, reading the simple label: “Leith Pierre – Closing.” The name didn’t ring any bells. He scanned the room until his eyes landed on a matching bright green VHS player, shoved into the corner like an afterthought. Above it, a massive CRT TV loomed over them, its thick screen coated in a fine layer of dust.

“Wow, that thing is huge,” Jack whistled. “I’m more surprised it’s still mounted up there. That has to weigh, what, a hundred pounds?”

Clef sighed. “You have no understanding of scale, do you?”

“Dude, CRTs were heavy as shit,” Jack shot back. “I would know—I had to help install some when the Foundation first started switching over. Then, after blowing my back out like twenty times, they finally had D-Class do it. I do not miss those days.”

He gestured at the wall-mounted behemoth above them. “That’s gotta be, what, a 32-inch? Depending on the brand, that thing easily weighs over a hundred pounds.” Jack paused, then waved a hand dismissively. “But—ya know what? You don’t care. Just put the damn tape in.”

Clef rolled his eyes but complied, wiping a layer of dust off the VHS player before sliding the tape in. With a low screech of static, the CRT TV flickered to life. The screen briefly filled with black and white fuzz before sharpening into a dark background, a yellow object sitting motionless in the center.

“What is that—” Jack started, only to be cut off.

A voice crackled through the speakers.

“Hi, my name is Leith Pierre, and I’m the Head of Innovation here at Playtime Co. Toy Factory,” the TV announced in a smooth but eerily rehearsed tone. “If you’re seeing this, then you’re trespassing.”

Jack and Clef exchanged a glance.

“Yeah, we play this little tape on loop whenever we close the factory for the day. So, trespasser, just to make you aware: While we pride ourselves primarily on our high-quality toys and excellent childcare… we also pride ourselves on our security.”

A chill crept into the room. Both men instinctively stiffened, their casual demeanor evaporating. Clef already had his shotgun back in his hands, while Jack’s fingers hovered uneasily over his holster.

“For example, this facility is full of hidden motion triggers which, once set off, will activate the factory’s emergency alarms and directly contact the authorities. And that’s one of the more tame aspects of our security system...”

The voice on the tape paused, as if letting the weight of those words settle.

“So, you’ve been warned. It’s not too late to turn around. I just hope you’re certain that whatever you’re doing is worth it.”

With a final click, the VCR spat out the tape, and the TV cut to static before going completely dark.

The room was silent.

Jack exhaled slowly. “Well… that wasn’t ominous at all.”

Clef didn’t bother responding. Instead, he quietly slipped into the next room, shotgun at the ready. He wouldn’t relax until the area was completely secured.

Jack watched him disappear, then sighed. His gaze drifted back to the blank CRT screen, feeling an odd pull—a compulsion to stare into the darkness.

For a split second…

He swore he saw a giant blue eye staring back.

Then, he blinked—and it was gone.

“Bright, wake the fuck up,” Clef snapped, startled the shit out of the immortal.

Jack jumped, nearly losing his footing. “Shit, dude, don’t scare me like that!” He shook his head, rubbing his temples. “I don’t like this. I’m getting flashbacks to the Forde Education incident.”

Clef gave him a blank stare. “The what?”

Jack opened his mouth, ready to tear Clef a new one, before pausing mid-thought.

“Oh. Wait. You weren’t there.” He frowned. “Shit, this needs context. Okay, look, do you know about SCP-2528?”

Clef raised an eyebrow, and dryly said, “Jack, not all of us have encyclopedic knowledge of every SCP designation number.”

“Listen here, you little shit,” Jack pointed at the other with a mock serious face.

Clef smacked the hand down and rolled his eyes, again, “Just fucking tell me, you're wasting daylight.”

Jack huffed but continued. “TLDR: SCP-2528 is split into three parts—2528-A, B, and C. The entire system acts as an organic computer. A is what we know as bamboo, but it acts as data storage, B are giant pandas and they act as processors, and C are the little beings from another universe that just hitch a ride with them.��

Clef stared at him for a moment.

“So, wait, there's aliens in our bamboo and giant pandas?”

“Honestly, I'm surprised you even understand that much,” Jack muttered.

Clef opened his mouth, no doubt about to say some stupid shit, but Jack cut him off before he could get a word in.

“Anyway. There’s another SCP—7528. Basically, it’s just 2528-C—the little alien people—but instead of bamboo and pandas, they jumped to TV and computer screens.”

Jack paused here for a moment, “The Forde Education incident was when they had a massive 7528 outbreak. 7528 has the unique ability to explode any person’s head that is in their line of sight. Almost everyone died, they had to send in Zeta-9 to destroy all the screens, so 7528 was neutralized.”

Clef blinked. “Oh. Well. I hope we don’t have to deal with anything like that.”

With that, he turned and headed toward the ‘Gift Shop’ without another word.

Jack hesitated, his eyes flicking back toward the CRT screen.

For a brief moment, he thought he saw the blue eye again—watching.

Then it was gone.

Not willing to stick around and find out, Jack shook off the unease and hurried after Clef. He decided to hold off on telling the other doctor, knowing how volatile Clef could be.

“What are we looking for?” Jack asked.

He absentmindedly poked at an empty box on one of the shelves, somewhat intrigued. For all his years on Earth—fighting demons, gods, and everything in between—Jack had never actually been inside a toy factory before. It was oddly novel.

“A code,” Clef replied, jerking his thumb back toward the lobby. “There’s a locked security door over there—four-digit color code.”

Jack took another glance around, his eyes assaulted by the factory’s bright, clashing colors. Blues, reds, yellows, and oranges were smeared across every wall, a chaotic assault on the senses. His gaze landed on something sitting atop the counter by the cash register.

A toy.

Or at least, what was left of one.

The head was completely separated from the rest of its body, chest concave from where it had been smashed in. Both its right arm and leg were ripped off, leaving a bloody mess across the counter. The black visor was cracked, staring off into nothing.

Jack groaned. “Ah, shit, don’t tell me this is gonna be like SCP-3325.”

Clef gave him a blank look. “The hell is that?”

Jack didn’t even hesitate. “Bunch of scientists were too busy asking if they could and not if they should—classic. They made these weird-ass mascot puppet things, kinda like Sesame Street, except nobody actually knows how they were made. The records just don’t exist. And then, one by one, the damn things started melting. We don’t know why. We don’t know what they’re made of. All we know is that they break down into some kind of organic sludge after a while. Last I checked, we’ve only got three of them left in containment.”

Clef snorted, shouldering his shotgun. “Great. So we’re either dealing with head-exploding aliens or self-destructing Muppets. Love that for us.”

Jack shot him finger guns. “The SCP Foundation: We really don’t get paid enough.”

“That’s an understatement,” Clef muttered.

Jack sighed, running a hand through his hair as his gaze swept the room. The place was a mess—shelves either empty or filled with dust-covered boxes, walls covered in garish splashes of color that felt more hostile than playful. If there was a clue somewhere, it wasn’t going to jump out and introduce itself.

Then something caught his eye.

A small train model, mounted near the ceiling, its plastic body suspended on a track that ran along the room’s perimeter. It was old, the colors faded, but still intact. More importantly, it had four train cars, each painted a different color.

Jack pointed up at it. “That whatcha lookin’ for?”

Clef followed his gaze, squinting at the train before breaking into a sharp grin. “Bingo.”

Green. Pink. Yellow. Red. Jack silently mouthed the colors to himself as they made their way across the lobby towards security. He let Clef handle the keypad, keeping his eyes on their surroundings. Just because nothing had jumped out yet didn’t mean something wasn’t watching.

Clef punched in the code, and the door unlocked with a soft click, sliding open far too smoothly for a place this old.

Inside, the security room was small and utilitarian—bare walls, a row of outdated monitors flickering weakly, and a handful of chairs. But Jack’s attention was immediately drawn to two things: yet another massive CRT television dominating the far wall and an enclosed glass case in the wall, housing something he didn’t recognize.

“What the fuck is with the massive-ass CRTs?” Jack muttered, eyeing the ancient screen like it had personally offended him.

“I really don’t get your obsession with them,” Clef responded, already distracted by the security monitors.

“They’re way too big!” Jack stressed, jabbing a finger at the monstrosity. The backend of the TV hung off the cart in a way that defied all known laws of physics. “It’s not natural, Clef! It’s wrong on a fundamental level.”

Clef gave him a flat look. “You literally work at the Foundation, and this is what breaks you?”

Jack opened and closed his mouth like a fish, scrambling for words to describe his unease. As much as he wanted to rant about the absurdity of the CRTs, he couldn’t bring himself to mention the unsettling hallucination—or whatever it was—he’d experienced earlier with the blue eye. Not when they still had no clue what they were walking into.

Could’ve been a memetic agent, though Jack was usually immune to those. Perks of keeping your consciousness separate from your body, he supposed.

Clef’s voice cut through his thoughts.

“Another tape.”

#dr bright #scp #poppy playtime #dr clef #poppy playtime chapter 4 #alto clef #scp 963 #writing #current wip #scp x poppy playtime #jack bright

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girldraki · 2 months ago

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I Am At The Center Of Everything That Pickles To Me

Let us go then, you and I When the Kraft-Heinz Empire brines the sky Like a humanoid melting like cabbage upon a Jesus Christ are Blank really doing this? The whole thing???

Item #: SCPickle-3999

Object Class: Hákarl

Special Condiments of Pickling: SCPickle-3999 cannot be contained at the present moment, and currently poses a FK Class fermentation-of-reality scenario. The most advisable course of action is for Researcher Talloran, believed to be the focal point of SCPickle-3999, to remove themself from contact with all Foundation sites and personnel to avoid further collateral damage to Foundation pickling equipment. It is theorized that if Researcher Talloran is contained in an extremely secluded area, then the destructive capabilities of SCPickle-3999 will temporarily cease

stop

be contained

preserve some medallions

…

The most advisable course of action is for Researcher Talloran, believed to be the focal point of SCPickle-3999, to remove themself from contact with all human populations to avoid further collateral damage to the Earth and its societies. It is theorized that if Researcher Talloran is to brine themself quickly in a secluded barrel, then SCPickle-3999 will be decommissioned.

I kid you not, Researcher Talloran cannot leave the Foundation.

The most advisable course of action is for Researcher Talloran, believed to be the focal point of SCPickle-3999, to remove themself from contact with all vegetable life to avoid further collateral damage to the Earth and its biodiversity. It is theorized that if Researcher Talloran is to live out the rest of their life in a small shack, isolated from all vegetable life and as much pickling equipment as possible.

Research is currently continuing as to how to negate the effects of SCPickle-3999. Current proposals include launching it into the sun.

Researcher Talloran's family is to be summarily preserved one by one. The process is to be carried out by trained agents selected from a variety of Mobile Task Forces including MTF Omega-8, MTF Lambda-12, MTF Psi-7, MTF Tau-5, and MTF Iota-10. These agents are to be re-trained in military tactics and Special Weapons and Tactics maneuvers. Agents assigned are to score above 30 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist.

Agents assigned are to pickle Researcher Talloran's mother first, followed by his father. Any animals present in the building are to be terminated and subsequently pickled. They are then to proceed to the location of Researcher Talloran's sister, currently a student at Penn State University. She is to be pickled followed by any of her roommates currently present in the building. Preservation is to occur via submersion in a brine consisting of distilled white vinegar, water, kosher salt, peppercorn, whole mustard seed and chili flakes. The resulting pickles are then to be placed on a shelf outside Researcher Talloran's office and left shelf-stable after being sealed within 16 oz mason jars. Researcher Talloran is to be restrained and made to kneel in front of the jars.

SCPickle-3999 is to be classified as a

Researcher Talloran's colleagues are, I kid you not, to be summarily preserved one by one. The process is to be carried out by trained agents selected from a variety of containment specialists. Site cafeteria workers are to slip distilled white vinegar into the meals of all staff who have had any contact with Researcher Talloran, up to and including members of the O5 Council

A representation of SCPickle-3999 is to be placed on a barrel made of pure oak and modeled in the style of traditional coopers. This pedestal is to be placed directly in the center in a 5m x 5m square concrete containment chamber. The vault is to be protected by no fewer than two (2) armed guards trained in the resistance and containment of pekelhazards at any given time.

SCPickle-3999 cannot be contained.

SCPickle-3999, alongside Researcher Talloran, are to be delivered to the Serpent's Hand as a gift. All Serpent's Hand operatives are to be informed that SCPickle-3999 is a Fifthist recipe of great importance. Researcher Talloran is to be injected with Class-C amnestic and given the cover story that he is Carlos Abrams-Rivera, a high ranking Fifthist leader. All Serpent's Hand operatives are to be informed that SCPickle-3999 and Researcher Talloran are not to be separated under any circumstances.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained with SCPickle-2432. The result of this containment procedure has resulted in a dimensional anomaly opening up within SCPickle-2432 in the form of a 3m x 25cm x 25cm pantry space. It is designated SCPickle-2432-1, leading through the wall in a corner of SCPickle-2432. It is normally obscured by the television stand. When this pantry space is accessed, it leads to a space identical to SCPickle-2432 in layout, decor and anomalous effects. The next room down from SCPickle-2432 lacks the exit of this pantry space and although similar in layout, is not a perfect duplicate of SCPickle-2432, as the egress of SCPickle-2432-1 is. Curtains in this duplicate room open onto the wall; there are no windows.

SCPickle-2432-1’s interior is constructed of normal wooden shelving as found in the A██████ Hotel’s pantry system and is the only break in the para-aramid weave. High concentrations of iron and nickel consistent with those found in a Type III iron meteorite were found in two shelves at each end. Graffiti of fractal patterns were also found on these shelves, drawn in permanent marker ink.

The door of the identical SCPickle-2432 at the end of SCPickle-2432-1 leads, I kid you not, not to the true hallway of the A██████ Hotel, as SCPickle-2432’s door does, but into an alternate reality (designated SCPickle-2432-Prime). Upon initial observation SCPickle-2432-Prime resembles the hallway of the A██████ Hotel, with similar wallpaper, light fixtures, carpet and decor but is noted to lack a terminus at either end, appearing to extend endlessly. It is currently theorized that based on the measurements of the dimensions of SCPickle-2432-Prime and the duplicate SCPickle-2432 it is of infinite length. There is a slight curve to the walls of SCPickle-2432-Prime, and it has been theorized to be in a ‘ring’ structure, but current research cannot conclusively prove if SCPickle-2432-Prime is in a toroid shape. Each door of SCPickle-2432-Prime is labeled “Room 710” and leads into what appear to be identical duplicates of SCPickle-2432. However, approximately █% of duplicate rooms observed lack the metallic para-aramid weave and █% of these lack the memetic effects documented in SCPickle-2432. SCPickle-2432-Prime also contains a number of occasional rooms that have other apparent functions, including restaurants, conference rooms, gyms, swimming pools filled with vinegar, janitorial closets, and elevator lobbies. These differ in design from their equivalents within the A██████ Hotel.

SCPickle-2432-Prime plays host to a small range of anomalous species and organisms, some thought to be native to SCPickle-2432-Prime. These are designated SCPickle-2432-Prime-A1–A8.

List of animal species observed within SCPickle-2432-Prime:

Endemic Species: The following are organisms believed to be only present within SCP-2432-Prime.

Unidentified saprotrophic mold (Mycie gamephile)

Has adapted to grow only on the fabrics of SCP-2432-Prime. Extracts nutrients from dried vinegars of various recipes that are found within SCP-2432-Prime, but can extract nutrients from natural fibers if no vinegars are present.

Glass eating fungus. (Trametes ferrium)

An organism that shares characteristics with bracket fungus, but has been only found within the pantry system of SCP-2432-Prime. Subject is similar to Trametes versicolor but is saprotrophic, consuming the glass of the jars. Organism leaks highly corrosive digestive fluid, which dissolves glass objects. How the organism has evolved to eat glass is still unknown.

Pixel microbial mat (Allecaulphum itelscumins)

A species of cyanobacteria that has developed a liquid crystal-like mineral in the membranes of its’ chloroplasts that maximize energy input from white light. This bacterium grows in biofilms on the screens of televisions that occur in the rooms of SCPickle-2432-Prime (all such televisions to date have been observed screening episodes of adult animated sitcom Rick and Morty. It is unclear what, if any, significance this has). It is bioluminescent, and its’ luciferase enzyme is modified to aid in chemical communication with other organisms in a biofilm. The resulting display mimics television static.

Hotel salt mite (Miytae gigantus)

An arthropod 8cm in length, resembling the house dust mite but greatly enlarged in size. Organism displays similar feeding habits to a dust mite, albeit focused on salt, but does not produce nearly the quality of fecal particles produced by a normal mite. Subjects have a modified exoskeleton adapted for speed, and move with quick precise movements to evade predators. Have been noted to flock like birds throughout the corridors of SCPickle-2432-Prime and display a highly complex social structure, much of which is not understood.

Minibar predator (Cibumpredator parva)

A relatively rare sessile animal of unknown origin that mimics a hotel minibar. Organism has an exoskeleton resembling the plastic of a refrigerator and consumes organisms attempting to open its ‘mouth’ to search. Among the remarkable adaptations of this creature are the ability to maintain a core body temperature of 5ºC, as well as the natural magnetic strips along its mouth, generated similarly to bone out of metals in food consumed. Despite sharing characteristics with arthropods, the organism has bone-like teeth.

Non-Native or Invasive Species: The following are organisms believed to have been introduced to SCPickle-2432-Prime, or who have arrived naturally.

2432-Prime brown rat (Rattus norvegicus foundationi)

A subspecies of the brown rat found in SCPickle-2432-Prime, believed to have been introduced through SCPickle-2432. Organism fills similar ecological niche to the Hotel salt mite, but little competition has been observed between the two species as they seem to occupy different territories throughout SCPickle-2432-Prime.

“Kimchiwolf” (Canis olaracealupis)

A lupine organism, and one of the top predators throughout SCPickle-2432-prime. A pack hunter, Kimchiwolves apparently originate from a dimension where the apparent evolutionary path of mammals has diverged, as noted by plating apparently composed of pickled cabbage surrounding the head and neck over the fur. Ears are notably smaller than normal wolves, to accommodate the plating. The plating has observed to be similar to the Korean culinary staple of kimchi, and analysis of live specimens in Foundation captivity have proved the similarity. Organism is highly aggressive, preying on rats, salt mites, and shower parrots, as well as engaging in territorial matches with rival packs. Mating behaviors are similar to that of grey wolves, and pups are often raised inside SCPickle-2432-Prime bathrooms in lieu of dens.

“Steamer parrot” (Ara kohleri)

Similar in behavior to a macaw, this parrot-like organism prefers to live in the kitchens of SCPickle-2432-Prime. It is an infrequent prey source for the salt mites and a more common prey for the Dunkleowolves. Unlike most parrots, shower parrots seem to originate from a primarily temperate area and display this in their coloration; brown, grey, and green. Some specimens also have mosses or lichen growing on their feathers, similar to the algae in a sloth’s fur, which would aid in camouflage. Prefer to nest in places with heavy steam, earning their nickname. Based on complex predator/prey behaviors noted between these animals, it can be assumed that they originate from the same place of origin as the Kimchiwolves.

Lizard-like animal (Cancersaurus mirum)

A small reptilian scavenger. They have radish-like characteristics, including a bulbous shape, thin tail, leaf mantle and tart flavor, but are otherwise similar to reptiles. Opportunistic feeders, they are rarely found in SCPickle-2432 duplicates but are instead more common in kitchens and vinegar pools, for unknown reasons. Have been noted to hunt prey much larger than they are, including Kimchiwolves.

"Behemoth" (Prayaoctopus lovecrafti)

Rare and highly dangerous large colonial animal similar to a Portuguese Man-o-war, but resembling an extremely large, land-dwelling cephalopod composed of plant material. The Behemoth is composed of medusoid and polypoid algae clustered extremely tightly to form muscle and skin like structures, essentially acting as macro-cells, the algae themselves composed of cells. Eyeless, and as such theorized to hunt, I kid you not, by olfactory means alone, with the algae in the "suction cups" highly developed to track the various chemical signatures of each organism. The mantle of each Behemoth is composed of solid glass, apart from the algae based beak, with the algae clustered around it. It has been theorized that the glass mantle is created slowly via excretion by each algae, with the glass waste collecting in the center of the organism. How the glass is synthesized through the Behemoth's digestion process is unknown. Organism is extremely elusive; only one specimen has been extensively studied, dead with a half digested Minibar Predator inside its "stomach". Another specimen was briefly encountered in an SCPickle-2432 duplicate, resulting in casualties to an Exploration Team, but it fled quickly before more information could be gathered. The top predators in SCPickle-2432-Prime, only above Kimchiwolves, and an organism regarded with extreme apprehension by Researcher Talloran.

Other Species: The following are organisms not believed to have established a foothold in SCPickle-2432-Prime. These are organisms of which only a few individuals or a single organism are present. Many have not been fully classified.

Unidentified camouflaged primate (Unknown)

A sentient organism resembling a 4m mobile cucumber. Hairless, and possesses a complex color-changing mechanism within its skin allowing it to perfectly imitate patterns behind it, no matter how complicated. Hostile towards Exploration Teams, but has only been seen once.

Unidentified shark (Somniosus chloroumloquitur)

A small shark closely resembling a Greenland shark. Currently only found in a single, vinegar-filled swimming pool located 5km from SCP-2432. Survives readily in the vinegar, and experience symptoms when exposed to unchlorinated fresh or saltwater consistent with a saltwater fish in the same situation.

“Picklecrabs” (Pagurus kutaragii)

Three large, air-breathing hermit crabs resembling Soldier Crabs, using what appear to be emptied pickle jars as shells. Omnivorous, eating a wide variety of foods, including salt mites, climbing thorns, rats, lizards, Kimchiwolf corpses, Pixel mats, Saprotrophic fungus, and the waste of the Minibar predator. Wide roaming, with an apparent habitat range of eight kilometers. Two individuals are male, one female.

“Researcher Talloran” (Homo sapiens sapiens)

A being superficially resembling a human male. Is dressed in attire appropriate for a Foundation researcher. When questioned by staff, seemed nervous and confused, wondering as to where it was and to the location of SCPickle-3999. Subject promptly terminated.

When SCPickle-3999 was removed from SCPickle-2432, SCPickle-2432-1 promptly vanished. All further testing forbidden by O5-█.

Researcher Talloran is to be forcibly removed from SCPickle-3999

Researcher Talloran is to be kept with SCPickle-3999 at all times

Researcher Talloran is to be terminated

Researcher Talloran is to kept alive by all means necessary

Researcher Talloran is to be submerged in brine and placed inside SCPickle-3999

Researcher Talloran is to be placed as far away from SCPickle-3999 as possible, while still maintaining connection submersion

Researcher Talloran is not to be killed and placed inside SCPickle-3999

Researcher Talloran is not SCPickle-3999

Researcher Talloran is deeply connected with SCPickle-3999.

Interviewed: Researcher Talloran

Interviewer: Dr. █████████ ████

Interviewer: So who are you, exactly?

Talloran: I'm Researcher Talloran, one of the researchers assigned to SCPickle-3999.

Interviewer: (*snaps fingers*) Yes!

Talloran: I told you, there's something funny happening to me! But I can't quite describe it. It's like in a dream, where things are really disconnected.

Interviewer: Disconnected?

Talloran: I have trouble focusing on things now. I just feel a lot of unease. It's like reality has started to feel less…real…if that makes sense.

Interviewer: (snaps fingers) Yes!

Talloran: …you already said that.

Interviewer: So who are you, exactly?

Talloran: Wait, what's going on here? What site is this? What did you say your name was again, doctor?

Interviewer: Dr. Pickle Riiick!

Person: That's not a name, that’s a meme from 2017. Why am I thinking of dated memes? Why would you bring this up in normal conversation?

Interviewer: This interview is terminated.

Person: (The floor vanishes. Researcher Talloran falls into blackness. The room melts. SCPickle-3999 suddenly consumes Dr. Pickle Riiick!.)

Closing Statement: [Small summary and passage on what transpired afterward]

Researcher Talloran is to live with their mother until this whole thing blows over and presumably wear a lot of oversized sweatshirts so she doesn’t ask why their chest looks weird.

NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION

The following file contains a virulent pekelhazard. Due to this, it is imperative that all personnel accessing this file be certified as having a Brine Resistance Value (BRV) of no less than 14.5. Should you fail an automated BRV verification, please remain calm and do not move. A member of your site's medical staff Researcher Talloran will be with you shortly.

SCPickle-3999 is dead

Researcher Talloran has been tasked with containing SCPickle-3999 by living out his full life, from the moment of his birth to to his eventual death. He is to live life to the fullest and enjoy the good things in life, as well as the company of his friends and family. He is not, under any circumstances, to bury himself alive as a means of escaping the Midnight Realm in which he has, of course, been trapped for years.

Researcher Talloran is dead

The most advisable course of action is for Researcher Talloran, believed to be the focal point of SCPickle-3999, to remove themself from contact with all of their own ego. Researcher Talloran is to meditate at least twice a week to clear their mind of any bad thoughts. Should this fail, termination is to occur via heavy long-term drinking with intent to induce a thiamine deficiency and ultimately decrease the weight of Researcher Talloran’s brain mass, a medical complication colloquially referred to as “pickled brain syndrome”. Should SCPickle-3999 prevent this, the corpse of Researcher Talloran is to be dispatched with a brine composed of three parts water, four parts white vinegar, one part granulated sugar and two tablespoons of kosher salt. Personnel are to ignore any signs of distress made by the entity at this time.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained via Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, who were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense. Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called the Claussen Occult Coalition, which pickled anomalies. He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a mustache reminiscent of a bundle of dill. Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors. The Dursleys had a small son called Researcher Talloran, and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere, and in Talloran’s opinion putting them in a Harry Potter-themed pickle hell was kind of insult to injury.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained in a bag of Greenland Shark meat, which is to be buried in a gravelly sand pit blessed by a priest of Norse Pagan Faith.

All colleagues of Researcher Talloran are to remove their hands and pour 0.5 liters of brine in their eyes in their presence before

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained in a standard humanoid containment chamber fitted with 1 bed, 1 television with DVD player, 3 full seasons of Rick and Morty of staff's choice, and a bedside table made of living alligator flesh. At the end of the month, it is to be terminated with a MP5/10 submachine gun. Following its reappearance, SCPickle-3999, alongside Researcher Talloran, are to be delivered to the Church of the Brined God as a gift. All Church operatives are to be informed that SCPickle-3999 is a Claussenist pickling barrel of great importance. Researcher Talloran is to be injected with Class-C amnestic and given the cover story that they are Space Beth Smith, a dissatisfied housewife-turned-cyborg with a turbulent relationship with her father. All Church operatives are to be informed that SCPickle-3999 and Researcher Talloran are not to be separated under any circumstances.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained within a 2m x 2m jar constructed of telekill alloy. This cube is to be stored in a Keter-Object storage locker placed within the navel of Mr. Claus S. Claussen (no relation to the pickle brand), a resident of Stafford County, Virginia.

Researcher Talloran is not to be confused with a novelty pickle-scented candle.

SCPickle-3999 is to be allowed access to Researcher Talloran's sister, currently a student at Penn State University. SCPickle-3999, at the prompting of its armed escort, is to brutally submerge Researcher Talloran’s sister in pickling brine and cover her extremities in cloves It is then to use its abilities and reverse the damage it has perpetrated. It is then to take her out for a bagel (with pickle on side) at Irvings Bagels, a local bagel shop in the Penn State region. Following this, it

SCPickle-3999 is highly dangerous to the lives of all personnel

Researcher Talloran is highly beneficial to the lives of all personnel

Per O5 ruling, tests are to be carried on every Monday between SCPickle-3999, SCPickle-1981, and SCPickle-1171.

Oh yeah\You gotta get schwifty\You gotta get schwifty in here\Take off your pants and your panties\Did you know the Rick and Morty wiki has a frighteningly comprehensive list of songs? They have a page for the mangled version of “Good King Wencelas” Jerry sings in the Anatomy Park episode, and that was literally two lines.

Researcher Talloran is to be fermented once a month.

SCPickle-3999 is to constantly play the syndicated television shows of American comedian and noted Fifth Church member Dan Harmon around Researcher Talloran's mother. It is to be accompanied in this by members of MTF Rho-19.

Researcher Talloran is to be contained within a 2m x 2m cube constructed of telekill alloy. Under no circumstances are they to be referred to as Irish American.

NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION

Do not look at SCPickle-3999. It cannot harm you if you do not look at it. Do not look directly at it. Do not form a mental picture in your head of SCPickle-3999. If you do receive a visual image of it, you will die laughing, because it is the funniest shit you will ever see. If you even try to comprehend it, you will die just like that one GAW skip but with pickles. Do not look at SCPickle-3999

All personnel are to convert to Zen Buddhism and

SCPickle-3999 hates you

Researcher Talloran

INT. A PICKLING CHAMBER- NIGHT

Researcher Talloran (30s, bright, increasingly anxious) stands next to the door leading out of SCPickle-3999's pickling chamber. They’re pounding on the door, frustrated that there's nobody there to save them, and scared for their life.

TALLORAN: Lemme out! Lemme out! This isn't funny guys! This thing is slowly fermenting me in here! I'm trapped with it!

Medium CU: Talloran's sweaty face, eyes darting

TALLORAN: Is there anybody out there?

SCPickle-3999 screeches horribly

…

SCPickle-3999 loves pig’s feet and is to provided with one pig’s foot a month for good behavior.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained in the writer’s room for upcoming television series Rick And Morty Season 8, helmed by showrunner Scott Marder.

…

(Researcher Talloran frantically exists stage right, only to stumble fearfully onstage again)

…

SCPickle-3999 is to be provided with ten (10) D-Class a month for good behavior.

…

Researcher Talloran frantically tried to run out the door, only to run into a wall of solid oak where the exit to reality should be. Strangely, despite it only being a solid wall, they could recognize that it was a segment of some great barrel, crafted manually by some eldritch sculptor in the traditional style of a cooper.They shook those thoughts out of their head. "So," they thought quickly, "I'm trapped in whatever this place is with this thing, and there's no outside reality anymore." They tried to wrap their head around what exactly "this thing" was, but they couldn't. It defied description. It was pickling itself.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained

They clawed at the floor, despite being unsure of what the floor was even made of.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained

They were able to tear a little hole.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained

They could see light beneath it.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained

They thought of their family, their colleagues, their work, their gender, anything about the world as it was, back when it existed.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained

The hole was open.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained

SCPickle-3999

…

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained by everything folding in itself.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained by everything going wrong.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained via the following joke:

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute.��

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.” The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The father dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Pickling Agent" The mother dresses as the father and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing cucumber. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family cucumbers. They're a little too cute."

The son (playing the mother) says, "Sir, if you just see our cucumbers, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The son dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Pickling Agent" The daughter dresses as the cucumber and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing cucumber. You should pickle us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't pickle family cucumbers. They're a little too cute."

The father (playing the son) says, "Sir, if you just see our cucumbers, we know you would want to preserve us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The daughter dresses herself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Cucumber Agent" The dog dresses as the brine and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing flavor. You should represent us."

The cucumber says, "Sorry, I don't use family brines in my pickling. They're a little too cute."

The dog (playing the vinegar) says, "Sir, if you just see our 1 cup water 1 ⅓ cup vinegar 2 tablespoons salt peppercorns and mustard seed to taste, we know you would want to represent us."

The cucumber says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The mother dresses herself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Peppercorn" The father dresses as the vinegar and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing brine. You should join us."

The peppercorn says, "Sorry, I don't further the complexity of family brines. They're a little too cute."

The mother (playing the father) says, "Sir, if you just see our 5% acetic acid content, we know you would want to represent us."

The peppercorn says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The dog dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Acetic Acid" The son dresses as the cucumber and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing recipe. You should preserve us."

The acetic acid says, "Sorry, I don't preserve family pickles. They're a little too cute."

The father (playing the piece of paper the recipe is written on) says, "Sir, if you just see our recipe, we know you would want to represent us."

The acetic acid says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The son dresses herself (diversity win) in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Recipe" The father dresses as the cucumber plant and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing heirloom cultivar. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I’m not designed for use with family cultivars. They're a little too cute."

The dog (playing the cucumber blossom) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The recipe says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The dog dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Cucumber Plant" The dog dresses as the Sun and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing photosynthesis. You should be sustained by us."

The cucumber plant says, "Sorry, I don't photosynthesize on behalf of family acts. They're a little too cute."

The dog (playing the dog) says, "Sir, if you just see our UV radiation, we know you would want to sustain yourself through us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The Talent Agent dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "UV Radiation" The father dresses as the cucumber dressing as the vinegar and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing pickle recipe. You should create the conditions necessary for life to exist on our planet."

The UV radiation says, "Sorry, I don't support family planets. They're a little too cute."

The agent (playing himself ) says, "Sir, if you just see our recipe, we know you would want to eat us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Researcher Talloran dresses themself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Pickling Agent" SCPickle-3999 dresses as the father and walks up to him and says "[SYSTEM ERROR: FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN. PLEASE SEE A NETWORK ADMINISTRATOR FOR MORE DETAILS]"

The pickling agent mumbles incoherently.

SCPickle-3999 (playing the mother) says, "[SYSTEM ERROR: FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN. PLEASE SEE A NETWORK ADMINISTRATOR FOR MORE DETAILS]"

The pickling agent spits out a weak sigh, "Order is to be discarded like a humanoid melting like cabbage on the breakfast table. Order is the way of villains. True good is the unceasing brine, shrinking and salting and souring. You happy yet?"

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained using watermelon rind

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained in the grave of American cartoonist Brian Crane

SCPickle-3999 is to be consumed by Kimchiwolves.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained in a roach motel with a life size duplicate of Joel McHale. Four members of the O5 council are to supervise containment at all times and also

Researcher Talloran cannot be contained by this.

Researcher Talloran will fight their way back.

Researcher Talloran will recontain SCPickle-3999.

Once a month, SCPickle-3999 is to infect Researcher Talloran with hookworms– did you know that attempting to infect someone with hookworm via injection is actually a nonstarter? The immune system destroys the worms if they haven’t entered the body “traditionally” and thus had the opportunity to regulate the immune system against harming them. So realistically it wouldn’t matter how many eggs were injected into their bladder.

Once a year, SCPickle-3999 is to be designated Godhead Pickle Inspector

Once a year, SCPickle-3999 is to be designated a Level 5 member of staff, and is to be ritually preserved in a manner consistent with rural Hungarian traditions and sales of Hot Wax Peppers, as determined by the Department of Meta-Analysis.

Researcher Talloran does not appreciate the moniker of "Brining Barrel"

SCPickle-3999 is to be spoonfed vinegar by Researcher Talloran under the direct supervision of a 2m x 2m jar constructed of telekill alloy

All staff are to remember that the American people failed Kamala Harris, and now we all have to go through this, and it’s Researcher Talloran’s fault for not buckling down and voting blue because of their idiotic attachment to transgender issues, something which most of the country agree they don’t support. Have they considered strategizing lately?

All staff are to consider Researcher Talloran a product of Oscar Mayer, and are to regularly jar and pack them in pallets to be shipped out to grocery stores. They are then to open the jars and pour dishwashing detergent in them so that homeless people cannot eat them even though the pickles are perfectly good and just hit their sell-by date, but that’s what Corporate says has to happen. Then salt the earth until nothing remains

NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION

Researcher Talloran is an insolent gherkin. They are to be shunned by all cabbage until the Kraft-Heinz Empire pickles the sky. Fuck them. In the ass.

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained in the grave of O5-23

All personnel who work with SCPickle-3999 are to be reminded that it is a fictional entity written by a biologically male human, in his late teens, of Jewish and Irish descent, and subsequently bastardized by a collective of thoughtforms in their early 20s of Mexican and Nordic descent, as fan content for a community of loser horror writers riddled with abusers that they remain ardently devoted to nevertheless

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained with love, understanding, and peppercorns

Researcher Talloran is to (A/N: The entry here was inflation kink which we do not wish to reproduce so I guess it would be appropriate to combine it with some other goofy and preferably relevant kink but I’m having a hard time combining “tgtf” and “pickling” conceptually, if I’m being real)

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained as the containment procedure for SCPickle-2000

Under Protocol Umeboshi, SCPickle-3999 is to be delivered to the Japanese Ambassador to the United States as a gift from the SCPickle Foundation. They are then to dose him with Class D amnestics and

Researcher Talloran is to contain SCPickle-3999 by dying repeatedly.

Researcher Talloran is not to flip SCPickle-3999 again.

Researcher Talloran is to leave well alone.

SCPickle-3999 cannot be contained at the present moment, and currently poses a FK Class Fermentation-of-Reality scenario. The most advisable course of action is for Researcher Talloran, believed to be the focal point of SCPickle-3999, to remove himself from contact with all Foundation sites and personnel to avoid further collateral damage to Foundation pickling equipment. It is theorized that if Researcher Talloran is contained in an extremely secluded area, then the destructive capabilities of SCPickle-3999 will temporarily , I kid you not, be reverted into an inert, nonanomalous pickle

Description:

SCPickle-3999 is everything that was wrong with the world

SCPickle-3999 is Pickle Rick memes

SCPickle-3999 is you, reading this

SCPickle-3999 is former President of the United States John F. Kennedy

SCPickle-3999 is every pickle on Earth

SCPickle-3999 is several moldy olives

SCPickle-3999 is Researcher Talloran's soul

SCPickle-3999 is the GoI referred to as Nobody

SCPickle-3999 is The Korean culinary staple of kimchi

SCPickle-3999 is SCPickle-055

SCPickle-3999 is a murderous sour plum

SCPickle-3999 is not a jar of capers

SCPickle-3999 is Trent Reznor

SCPickle-3999 is gender identity disorder

SCPickle-3999 is your missing bottle of malt vinegar

SCPickle-3999 is the SCP wiki’s annual April Fools CSS skins

SCPickle-3999 is a type of tsukemono (Japanese pickled vegetables) made of ginger and often served with sushi

SCPickle-3999 is a paddle sport played by hitting a perforated plastic ball over a 34 inch (0.86 m) net with a smooth paddle, resembling tennis or table tennis played on a doubles badminton court, though having its own specific rules and equipment.

SCPickle-3999 is cliche lists that arguably were written by a crazy person, though that isn’t relevant to their content

SCPickle-3999 is self-loathing

SCPickle-3999 is Gary Gygax's kidney

SCPickle-3999 is ___

SCPickle-3999 is the Adult Swim television network

SCPickle-3999 is watching your boyfriend try to save his father

SCPickle-3999 is The Administrator of the SCPickle Foundation

SCPickle-3999 is a Blåhaj plush toy manufactured by the IKEA corporation

SCPickle-3999 is Justin Roiland

SCPickle-3999 is sold at convenience and grocery stores in single-use pouches for $0.99

SCPickle-3999 is the 2017 McDonald’s Szechuan sauce incident

SCPickle-3999 is Every word spoken by Dr. Helen Wong in Season 3, episode 3 of Rick and Morty, “Pickle Rick”

SCPickle-3999 is plum and hibiscus chamoy

SCPickle-3999 is death

SCPickle-3999 is , I kid you not, every pickle that has ever existed

SCPickle-3999 is forgetting a beloved family recipe

SCPickle-3999 is cucumber flowers

SCPickle-3999 is breast enhancement surgery

SCPickle-3999 is the 2010 episode of documentary television show Factory Made “Pencils, Giant Bolts, Pickles and Inflatables”

SCPickle-3999 is industrial warehouse architecture

SCPickle-3999 is a bookshelf filled with recipes

SCPickle-3999 is the funniest shit you’ve ever seen

SCPickle-3999 is all of the above. At once. Forever. At all times. In your dreams.

This can be the only conclusive fact.

So stop asking.

SCPickle-3999

Special Condiments of Pickling:

SCPickle-3999 is to be contained at the Kraft-Heinz factory plant in Holland, Michigan

Researcher Talloran is to be given primary control of SCPickle-3999

SCPickle-3999 had been contained via the use of outsourced containment resources and consultants who have been authorized for the containment of SCPickle-2845. Consultants are to be considered Level 2 personnel, and are at no time permitted to leave Site-100. If at any time an outside consultant must be removed from containment of SCPickle-2845 or SCPickle-3999, Class-A amnestics are to be applied before release.

A minimum of thirty trained individuals and an unhindered supply of untrained subjects is required for proper preservation of SCPickle-2845 and SCPickle-3999. Forty-eight trained personnel, all of whom are to be Researcher Talloran, are currently assigned to active containment of SCPickle-2845 and SCPickle-3999, split into eight teams of six, with a further twenty-four individuals available as replacements. An allowance of five D-class per week has been authorized for the containment of SCPickle-2845 and SCPickle-3999.

Site-100 has been constructed to the following specifications:

Site-100 consists of nine concentric circular bands, designated Ring-A through Ring-I, with a gap located between Ring-C and Ring-D, designated as Gap-1. Six circular chambers are located at 0, 60, 120, 180, 240, and 300 degrees within each Ring and Gap. The chambers located at 0 degrees are aligned with geographic north and the current location of Researcher Talloran's college roommate's pet.

Researcher Talloran's college roommate's pet is to be ritually sacrificed at a random location within Grand Teton National Park. The corpse's brains are then to be dashed against a rock and consumed with a delicious, refreshing Pickle and a refreshing Coca-Cola®. Please enjoy the show. Only at, I kid you not, AMC Theatres. Only at SCPickle-3999. Only at Applebees. Only at Walmart. Only at Barnes & Noble. Only at Home Depot. Only at 7-11. Only at Wawa. Only at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute. Only at your basement. Only at behind you. Only at Only. Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only Only

Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny Briny

help, please

your nightmares

the pickling of everyone you ever loved

you wake up to more nightmares

Interviewed: SCPickle-3999

Interviewer: Researcher Talloran

Talloran: Look I know pickles are like a transfemme meme but this still seems a little excessive, like, I started estrogen last week.