#my back pain doesn't prevent me from moving so it's not real (ignoring the times it does stop me from moving bc it's so bad)

[sga-owns-my-soul]

as someone who has been misdiagnosed at best and fully ignored and not believed at worst about my health issues, it's really frustrating when people tell me i don't really have something unless a doctor has diagnosed me. doctors don't believe i have any issues to begin with, why are they supposed to be trusted over me?? like i get they have degrees but idiots get degrees literally all the time. idk it's just really frustrating when i tell people i have food sensitives and they don't believe me unless i can procure an allergy test. i tell people i have chronic pain and unless a doctor told me that, it doesn't count. i'm not allowed to identify as autistic until a doctor tells me i can. like i get looking something up once isn't the same as a medical degree but idk can we maybe just. stop pretending doctors are the only ones capable of telling what's wrong with someone? can we maybe trust that sometimes people do actually know what's going on with their body and their health?

[zileans-big-cl0ck]

✦–Dirty talk with League men (how do they call you and how do they want to be called in bed).✦ NSFW

✦Basically praise kink.

✧ prompt: ✧ I had this laying in my drafts for, like, eternity, so I’m not quite sure how did I come up with this. Prob my voice kink kicked in.

✧ champions: ✧ Zed, the Master of Shadows; Thresh, the Chain Warden; Kayn, the Shadow Reaper; Talon the Blade’s Shadow; Shen, the Eye of Twilight.

✧ reader: ✧ female.

✧ warnings: ✧ obvi NSFW; dirty talk; praise kink; sub!Kayn because I love him being submissive; degradation; bondage; Thresh is a sadistic brat.

✧ author’s note: ✧ ignore any mistakes since I'm too tired to read this for the third time or smth. And please don't eat me alive for Kayn's part, I have like two other drafts with sub!Kayn headcanons for the appreciation of a dom!reader, which we need more‼️

masterlist

✦Zed, the Master of Shadows.

Zed can do both: if you enjoy degrading, he will call you a slut or a bitch, but if you prefer soft petnames, something more subtle and fragile, he can call you his little shadow.

He isn’t really talkative, especially in bed. The Master of Shadows usually keeps on his mask of a stoic, ruthless person, silent and deadly. He lets out some heavy grunts of frustration thought.

But your apperance makes him feel different. Complitely different.

He can be a real dirt talker when desired. Whispering in your ear sweet promises of the things he is going to do to you, when you sit obediently on his lap.

You are going to melt in his hands from his voice only anyway.

As for him, he doesn't need you speaking to him during sex. Zed enjoys your cries and moans, there is no need for rushed words.

But he has one weakness, that he would never admit outloudly.

Call him Master, as his official title states, from time to time. And watch him tensing from your subtle tease.

Moan Master Zed and he will be yours for a while. Hopeless and lost in your innocent being that admits his supremacy, so alluring.

✦Thresh, the Chain Warden.

This sadistic demon would probably call you something simillar to his own property. It is a well known fact how controlling he is, as he treats the petty souls of those who lost them to him like pathetic objects.

Therefore, a pathetic little soul would work too.

But on the other hand, Thresh doesn’t want you to adress him at all.

He wants you to be all chained up in a convoluted position, with something in your mouth so you can't mutter a single word.

The only sounds he demands are the cries of yours, either of pleasure or from pain that is caused by his tortures.

So no talking back. No calling him. Only painful screams and your chained body under him, fetching and gorgeous, yet moving away from the touch of his cold claws.

His plaything.

✦Kayn, the Shadow Reaper.

Starting with what he would love to hear from you pretty mouth…

Please, call him a good boy.

Call him handsome. Call him yours and yours only.

But call him a good boy. And he will become a hopeless mess under your body.

It makes him feel appreciated and adored by you, the person his soul crawls for. When you take care of him, when you are so gentle…

Oh, it is impossible for him to not call you mommy. If you enjoy it, of course.

He would mutter the sweet name out of his breath, while you ride him.

✦Talon, the Blade’s Shadow.

Some would call him eternal silent, maybe even grumpy. But he is just not used to a genuine company of a caring human being.

Every segment of his body was made for killing, his devotion - the job of an assassin.

But he is capable of love - the fire kind, full of sacred desire that ends his continency that had been made to prevent him from wandering off from the path of a killer. Greedy and possessive, where he wants your body under his own to claim you whole, mark as his, force you to stay by his side.

Under the cover of a private room, he becomes a tease. Talon finds your whimpers adorable whenever he whisper a husky good girl into your ear.

On the other side, you hear him saying ’my name doesn’t matter’ in different situations, official or not, definitely too many times. So you make sure to moan his name in the moments of pleasure, when you bury your face in the pillow of your bed, feeling the sensation building up in your core, hearing the obscene sounds of melting bodies.

And it touches his weak spot. To have his name on your lips, cherished, adored.

✦Shen, the Eye of Twilight.

He is a gentleman, a sweetheart and the most respectful man you know - he would never dare to degrade you in any possible situation.

Therefore Shen is more eager to call you ma’am or love, or with the relationship ongoing - just a simple my gorgeous wife.

When it comes to petnames, he is a simple man - he desires a sweet and adoring confession, like handsome or just his own name. It always sounds heavenly when it comes as a hot whisper of pleasure from your mouth.

[moon-catto]

Shifting into JJK Universe!

I had this crazy dream and decided to write it down but with a little twist sksksk 😃

Warning: none, fluff? Manga spoiler inside!

Masterlist

I got this crazy dream when I took a nap in the afternoon. I was doing my college assignments that I ignored for weeks. Tomorrow is the deadline so I literally speedrun my essay to prevent me from failing that class.

It was like 5 pm when I finally sent my essay via email to my professor, there's nothing special that time. But somehow the air feels a bit warmer and I can smell the subtle scent of wet grass because my windows are open. I can see the red sky outside where the sun is barely setting.

And something about it moved me. I pulled my chair closer to my window and sat there for a moment. I rested my chin on the windowsill as I enjoyed the light breeze of passing wind hit me gently.

Being a seventh semester student is tiring, I keep running here and there trying to keep everything together when it's clearly falling apart. I was too busy chasing after my diploma to see the world around me.

I forgot that the world can be so… beautiful.

A smile was curved on my face. It may look like a tired smile, but it feels blissful nonetheless. This simple moment is very precious, where I can breathe easily without worrying about my assignments and grades. I can just simply… breathe.

I wasn't tired, no. I have an even more heavy assignment before. This much doesn't tire me or maybe it's because I didn't realize just how tired I am? Perhaps that's why my eyelids feel so heavy right now.

I got a night class later… a light nap won't be a problem, right?

I'm not the type of person who dreams often. If I do, it would be an absurd type of dream, you know? Like the world is falling into a zombie outbreak and I'm the only human left. It usually ended with me running for my dear life with these left4dead zombies chasing for my ass.

Ugh, it was horrible. I don't wanna remember that dream again. Anyway the funny thing is, whenever I have these dreams I would always be able to access a side menu. Like an in-game menu where you can pause the world, resume the dream, skip the dream, or go back to the main menu a.k.a the real world. Of course, I was quick to choose to skip that dream— just to be chased by abnormal titans in another dream.

This time too, I was playing hide and seek with Huggy Wuggy from the Poppy Playtime game in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (I know. It was a very wild dream). He found out where I hid, so I tried to run away but my body feels so heavy like time got slowed down but that thing— that blue furry monster walked so quickly towards me and was about to eat me.

I screamed but my voice also pitched down because I'm still stuck in the slow down mode. Thanks to my super quick reflexes, I was able to press the side menu and skip the dream/sarcastic.

So that's why now I'm stuck in this white space. I'm finally able to breathe freely and my movement becomes normal.

I was about to fall because of the sudden change in space, but luckily I was held by someone.

"Geez, that scared the hell out of me." The person who held me said, His voice is surprisingly familiar. "You appeared here out of nowhere and screamed like you're getting possessed." He had the audacity to laugh at my misery. I would be throwing hands and legs at him if only I wasn't so shocked at the current moment.

I let out a coughing fit because of the building tension earlier. My chest feels so tight, it's painful. The pain is very vivid, just like when someone punched you right on your chest. "Holy shit. Should have not watched that youtuber gameplay last night." I muttered between coughs.

"Hey, you're okay? You look a bit pale there." He pushed my chin with his thumb to see my face. I squinted my eyes shut, in fear that he had a disfigured face or something. I don't really think I can handle another jumpscare right now.

Sensing my fear, his voice got softer.

"It's okay. You're okay. Nothing is going to happen to you."

I clearly remember the owner of this voice. Is it really him? Can I open my eyes? What if it's not him? I can count the occasions where I fall for this kind of sweet trap in other dreams, it doesn't end well to say the least.

"I promise."

Oh, wow. He sounds very reliable. Why do I feel like crying?

"Aw, look at you." He ruffled my hair. "You're crying. You were that scared?" I can hear him chuckle lightly. "What kind of monster did you see to make you this scared, huh…" Maybe he took pity on my pathetic self, that's why he's pulling me closer to him.

A bump. Is this… his chest? For your information, yes it was hard. Also, boii, you're going to kill me right here.

"Now you're laughing. Aren't you a weird girl." He hummed, he sounded amused even. Figures, he must've never seen such a weirdo in his life.

But No, you don't understand mister. This is the most delightful dream I ever had in my life. Like for real? I don't wanna this to end.

Get a grip. I immediately slapped myself to stop my concerning train of thoughts. Geez, in all of the people I could have met, I have to embarrass myself in front of him.

Ah, now I wish to disappear.

"Quiet now, aren't we?" I can feel his hands trying to remove my hands that covered my face. "Come on, that's not fair. I let you cry on my chest earlier."

After a bit of pulling and tugging, I finally gave up. He's just that irresistible and also very stubborn.

"Now we're talking!" I opened my eyes and was met with his blue ones. "You're feeling better?"

"... Dear lord."

"Ah? Wah! Why are you falling all of a sudden?!"

"I must've saved a nation from a disaster in my previous life…" I was limp in his arms. My body gave up just like that, there's no ounce of power left. My knees shook like a jelly and my vision is getting blurry because of the rush of serotonin in my veins.

"What are you talking about?" He's enjoying this weird situation. He's pulling my noodle arms and twisting my body as if I'm a kind of a marionette. "You're really weird." He says but he's laughing at my pathetic state. Guess being a clown for my whole life can be advantageous sometimes.

"Thank you." He finally let me sit on the white ground. Currently breathing heavily and in denial.

"Hmmmmmmmm…." He leaned closer. I should've known this man doesn't know the concept of personal space. "I've never seen you before." He then clapped his hand in an excited manner. "Then how about introducing ourselves?"

".... Okay."

"Me first! I'm Gojo Satoru! I'm 28 years old and I'm a teacher!" He extended his hand and I accepted it hesitantly, because I was in awe at the size difference of our hands.

"... I'm Y/N…"

"... And?"

"... I'm 21 years old…"

"Uh-huh."

"And uh, I'm a college student."

"Ah, what semester are you in right now?"

"Seventh semester."

"I see, then you will be graduating soon!" He shook my hand vigorously and my whole body also shook following his movement. "Congrats!"

"I haven't graduated yet, why are you congratulating me?" I smiled.

"Because that means I will be the first to congratulate you!"

"Ah, that makes sense."

"So, you're not asking about what major I studied?" He asked with a wiggle on his eyebrows.

"Why should I?"

"Well because I'm a teacher. Isn't it natural to ask what major I studied?"

"Well, yeah." I nodded. "But then, a sorcerer doesn't have to go to college in order to be a Jujutsu teacher, right?"

He made a big surprised O. His expression is very cute, I can't hold back my laugh. "Are you a psychic?!"

"You can say that." I grinned.

"Oh, a sorcerer and a psychic. That would be a dope story." He smiled, his smile could light up the whole continent.

"I bet." I smiled back.

We spent like hours talking about various things. Mostly about our worlds, he's beyond surprised to hear that curses doesn't exist in my world.

"... That would be a perfect place to live." He told me in a rather solemn voice.

"Maybe."

He raised his eyebrows in question.

"Because in my world, some people have to live with something worse than a curse." I smiled bitterly at the thought. "You can say that we're cursed in one way or another."

"...True," he said. I thought he's a nosy person who invades others' personal space as he likes, but he doesn't push further after that.

"Hey, Gojo."

"What?"

"..." I'm hesitating to say this. I know that our time will be over soon and I don't know if I will be able to meet him again. But I always want to say this to him if I can. This is maybe just a dream, but my heart says otherwise— that's why I need to tell him this.

"... What are you going to say?"

"——————."

His eyes widened after hearing my words.

"Be careful." I told him with a sad smile. His surprised face somehow made me feeling hurt. "I don't want you to hurt even more."

Satoru woke up in a cold sweat.

"... Just a dream." It's supposed to be a dream. But why is his heart racing and filled with such uneasiness?

The words from the stranger in his dream keeps haunting his mind even with his hardest effort to forget it.

"Fuck." He bit his lips as the memory of his dream comes back again.

"Suguru Getou is alive but his body is taken over by Noritoshi Kamo."

Masterlist

[purityoflust]

The Smile [Jeff The Killer X Victim!Reader] [PART 2]

Jeff the killer X Victim!

WARNING: Yandere. That's it. Yandere.

I finally decided how I would write part 2 to The Smile, which is my first and most popular post on my account so far. Anyone new who has come to read this, check out my other posts as well if you'd like. I'll post more like this. I also have a Quotev account with more fanfictions.

9/12/20, 3/4 days after the top part: God, AFTER SO LONG, I FINALLY DID IT! Took me days! I'm so sorry if this is a bit lazy, it is a tiny bit rushed by the end but how would you guys feel about a detailed part 3? I'll probably go as far as a part 3 or part 4 for the final part.

The vibrations in your brain felt warm and numbing - almost like when you have a horrible migraine and you can finally feel it subsiding with your eyes closed and your fingers gently holding down onto your eyelids as if you're holding your eyes into place to prevent them from bursting out of your skull. Upon waking up you can feel cold air settling into your skin. You haven't been awake 3 minutes and you already know what you're resting on; an extremely uncomfortable metal table. You've only seen them in movies but this was real.

The sound of a singsong voice just slightly echoing through what seemed like a moderately empty room. You groaned softly as you turned your head to your right, very slowly opening your eyes. Your vision blurred in and out, which, you wanted to rub to clear it out but as you went to lift your wrists, you felt pressure around them.

Something was holding your arms down. This catches your attention, blinking multiple times while turning your head back up straight and attempting to sit up. You were hardly successful with that, struggling while grunting under your breath to pull your hands from under what seemed to be a thick rope. As you pulled harder, you sucked in your stomach out of habit before immediately coming to a halt and choking up in pain.

This whole time you were ignoring the voice that was singing eerily nearby, "You and me, always forever~"

The voice was of a male. Scratchy, shaky. Familiar.

Familiar.

You could feel a string of your heart pop out of place as your breath stopped. That's when you knew something was wrong, but it just doesn't add up. You gulp while your eyeballs vigorously glance around to see where the source was coming from, only to see a figure in a corner. It was doubled over and it was sitting down on a simple wooden chair. Doubling over a...table? An average male figure, nothing unique. Although, the clothing style was unusual. At least what was on the clothes. He wore a fluffy white hoodie and what seemed to be black pants and black-and-white converse. The problem wasn't the outfit, no. His hoodie was spotted and had patterns upon patterns of darkened and more fresh-looking blood splatter. He had long black hair down to his shoulders. And luckily, his back was facing you.

You were dumbfounded. How did you get here, why are you restrained, and why is there a blood covered man near you? Is that even blood? Maybe it's paint or a design? Some people do wear clothes that have different kinds of blood splatter designs on them. Hm. Or he's an actual murderer about to gut you like a fish.

You wanted to speak. You wanted to speak so badly but you just couldn't. As you parted your lips, your throat went dry while your gaze stayed locked onto the bloody male that sat before you. The singing made you shiver as you tried so hard to remember where you could have heard or seen him. Why can't you remember?

The male then turned around to look at you. His singing had come to a gentle halt. Your mouth closed as he did so, your throat going completely dry and your whole body feeling like an ice cube. You were greeted with cold blue eyes. They looked hungry and bloodthirsty, yet they held a warm affection as they looked into your traumatized eyes. It was almost comforting until you saw the rest of his face. His skin was snow white and his lips looked dry. That's when more attention is drawn to his lower jaw. He's smiling. Too big for a normal person.

That's when you realize. He has a large smile carved into his cheeks going from ear to ear while his own lips were curled within a smile as well. And that's when it hits you.

And it hits you hard.

The memories of hours prior start brutally crashing into you, flooding back into your numb brain. All of the realization replaced itself with agonizing anxiety, your heart starting to race at speeds that felt impossible. You could pass out, but something inside you kept you awake. Something about him and about this whole situation was making you dizzy. The male slowly stands and turns his body all the way to face you. He seemed deranged, yet, he had a very relaxed stance and body language.

Uncomfortable silence loomed in the air.

He kept staring at you before slowly taking steps forward. You watch him carefully as your head feels like it's spinning, which you could notice your vision blurring a little bit here and there. The silence is suddenly disturbed with the male speaking up again, choking up in giggles. "Oh my sweet Y/N, you're awake~" He cooed, now standing over you. He leaned himself down and reached his hand to your cheek, gently brushing your skin with his surprisingly soft thumb. He leaned his face closer to yours. The smell of booze, blood, & smoke overwhelmed your nostrils. Yet it didn't seem to bother you that much.

His touch almost kind of made you feel...at ease. Your heart slowed itself and your breathing went back to pace. You felt fine, somewhat, but something in your stomach was still sore. The more you stare at him, the more memories come flooding back. The more memories flooding back, the easier you fit the puzzles together.

"M-my...stomach..--" You stutter out painfully.

In response to this, the male turned his head over to your abdomen and gently rested his other hand onto your bandaged stomach, applying very gentle pressure on it as to not hurt you. It was still slightly painful, causing you to groan under your breath.

"Oh, this...I'm sorry, my sweet butterfly. I had to make sure you wouldn't get away, and you didn't! Don't worry, Jack patched you up, so you'll be just fine!"

You remember now. You remember it all. The chase, your friend, the salty kiss before what you thought was your demise.

You naturally wondered as well; who's Jack?

"Wh-.." You weakly force air out of your throat again to speak, "why am I..tied-?"

"Oh, so you wouldn't be able to get away. I knew you would run away, or struggles, so I had to make sure you wouldn't do that!"

He was right. You would run away and struggle to get out of whatever the hell kind of place you're in. Well, knowing what he looks like. He DID stab you, after all. Who knows what this sicko wants.

He lifts his hand from your stomach and turns back to you, gently placing both of his hands at each side of your face. "You're so beautiful, Y/N. So sweet and so innocent. I couldn't keep letting the others eat you up like candy. You're mine and only mine. I need to protect you."

"Wh-who- are you?" You weren't really all too scared for some strange reason now. You were pretty calm. Probably from all of the energy this is draining.

"His name is Jeff." A deep and gruff voice cuts in.

The both of you turn your heads to the door of the room where a tall figure in all black stood. He was about 6"4 wearing heavy boots, black jeans, and a black hoodie. His hair was a dark brown though while he wore a mask. The mask was a dark blue with black goo oozing from the eyesockets. He was pretty intimidating even just by standing idly like a character waiting to be loaded in.

"And I'm Jack." He continued, "I'm the one who took care of your wound."

Jack stepped closer, soon standing at the other side of the table. He stood at the left as Jeff stood at the right.

"He wouldn't stop insisting I help."

You just blink, unknowing of what to respond with. He pursed his lips under his dark mask, in his own thought for a moment while staring down at you. You seemed calm enough, and your still pretty fresh injury was gonna hold you back anyway.

"[P]-[Pronoun]'s gonna-!" He attempts to blurt out, only to be stopped by you.

"I won't."

You were untied at your wrists and ankles, allowing yourself to pull your legs up and rest your feet at the top of the table, propping your knees up. It made your stomach feel weird, but it felt kind of nose and felt like it was easing the pain. You wrapped your arms around your knees, looking around the room more. "What is this place?" You ask.

"It's a medical room."

"Huh.." You shrug it off. Your anxiety levels had died down and the more you actually think about it, this isn't the worst thing that's happened. Your life has been pretty fucked up and you have damaged relationships everywhere. Honestly, being around new people and being far away from others sounds not too bad right now. Not like anyone would care anyway.

The next few hours, you're introduced to everyone else at the Mansion. They've been so...unique and honestly, you're surprised some people and beings like them even exist. They were all equally surprised with how little fear you showed.

You actually got along with most of them.

The others have taken a liking to you and hope you hang around longer. Alone in the living room, you, Jeff, Jack, and others sit at the couches and chairs in the living room, chatting away and getting to know them as they get to know you.

You feel Jeff wrap his arms around you and place a gentle kiss on your forehead, making your heart skip a beat.

You found out Jeff has been stalking you for months at a time. Watching your every move, eliminating anyone in the way. Huh, no wonder so many people in your life kept disappearing. You...couldn't bring yourself to be upset or scared, let alone even sad. You felt kind of at ease.

And far from uncomfortable. Someone loved you. Maybe more than they should, but they love you.

You didn't even feel upset at the fact Jeff had murdered that friend earlier. I mean, you just met the guy, so he wasn't even a 'friend'? So you paid no mind to it.

If anything, you really liked the thrill of someone being obsessed with you. A serial killer being so infatuated with you. He could be so protective of you and get rid of anyone you asked him to! There's is an advantage here. You knew he could snap and probably kill you intentionally or unintentionally, but you didn't mind. You really had no one else, technically speaking. No one that really cared. Not as much as he did.

Maybe he isn't so bad.

[jay-and-dean]

Worse

Dean x reader

Summary : Is it possible to love someone so much, you just wish you’re lucky enough to die first ?

Warnings : This is ANGST. I’m not kidding, this is panic attack, suicidal thoughts, grieving, light thought of murder, borderline domestic violence angst. This is kinda Dark and be careful that it’s not too triggering for you, please.

Wordcount : 1.8 k

Note : This is my fic for @negans-lucille-tblr​‘s 6k “roll the dice” writing challenge. My genre prompt was Angst (I think you got it by now) and my prompt was “I’ve been pulling you close but pushing me further”, it’s blod in the fic. 

December is a harsh month for me, so here is a harsh fic.

Jay’s Masterlist

_____________________

           Dean did it again.

           He swore on his life he wouldn't, you should have known that it meant nothing.

           How fucking ironic it is ? Dean Winchester swearing on his own life that he will try to protect it, that he won't shield every person on Earth with his soul and body.

           You're holding your painful chest, sitting on that stupid bed in this stupid motel room where nothing makes any sense anymore because your world is crumbling again. And your mind is going all the way down its own spiral of pain, the worst there is.

           Your breath is short and your thoughts go so fast, a super computer giving you all the details of the movie that will be your life once Dean is gone.

           The silence.

           The implacable silence in the bunker, the void left by the end of his voice, the kind of silence that hurts so much it could kill you, harassing cruelly, again and again, with no break at all until you're ready to open your skull on a wall to make it stop.

           That kind of silence.

           The empty bed back home, the empty room. Your mind makes emptiness rain on you : Empty kitchen and no bacon, no joy ever, no sex, no one holding you and telling it's going to be okay. No one really understanding you and no hero on Earth, no butterflies ever again. No reason to live. Empty heart. Empty life.

           Empty fucking world.

           In the middle of this chaotic din, you think of his toothbrush, of throwing it in the trash because he won't need to clean his cute, going slightly inward, teeth ever again. Of his clothes waiting on the closet forever, and how fast the smell on it will fade.

           You think of the nights spending screaming for him to come back because nothing is bearable without him, nothing... Screaming until you can't, strangling yourself with sobs, knowing it won't help because begging, threatening and bargaining won't change a thing.

           And the days being even worse.

           You think of the moment you will manage to forget the loss just enough to breathe, for a second, sitting on your bed, imagining he is just gone to the bathroom and that he will show up, pass this door again... Then remember he will never look back in your eyes again, fall even harder... And now you want to die.

           Right now.

           Even if all this is not real yet, even if Dean is still alive, you just want to die. You need to stop feeling anything forever now, just not exist because you don't want to be here when all of this happens.

           And it will happen.

           He just proved it. Your love for him doomed you and you're done praying that anyone listening would let you take his burdens...

           Your thoughts shatter when he opens the door of the motel room and walks in with his heart beating and his chest breathing, blood running through his veins... But seeing him is not a relief this time, not anymore, and the deafening fear is still compressing your ribs with its vise talons.

"Baby" he sighs and you whimper at the pain of thinking one day you won't hear it anymore.

           Everything hurts.

           Until now, you always managed to calm after Dean almost died. It always took a few days being extremely anxious, living in the shadow of fear, feeling like nothing had any meaning anymore, but he always managed to make you whole again. With empty promises that he won't leave you, that he will always be by your side...

           Bullshit.

           Last time, the unbearable despair of knowing he will go before you didn't leave you completely, and you still suffer this horrible void caused by the idea that nothing worth living, if it is not forever.

           This time, you know it, that horrible sorrow won't leave you. Not ever.

"Dean, it's over."

His big green eyes widen and his large body comes in front of you. His beloved body that you will have to burn one day, watching it as flames eat his freckled skin and flesh, as they turn to nothingness the man you love.

"Don't say that" he groans. "Baby, look at me. I didn't know for the metal thing."

You close your eyes, seeing the vampire impale him on this stupid bar again and again and it's like the spikes goes through you too.

"You know this one is not on me" he sighs. "It's not like I did it on purpose !"

"This one" you mutter his words in echo. "Maybe if you hadn't worn my heart out with all the times it was actually 'on purpose' like you say..."

He squats in front of you but you can't look at him. He was ready to say goodbye... Again. He was ready for you to lose him, who cares if you are ready or not.

"Don't say that..." he tries to touch your cheek with his fingers, the ones you held while performing that horrible spell to save him at Death's door.

To save him against his will.

           But you flinch away and repeat.

"It's over. I won't watch you die."

"I won't, Baby" he tries again but those lies are hollow and your soul burned out.

You get up and pace the ugly room, unable to bear his face so close after seeing it turn dead pale once more.

"You know how lucky you are ?" you say in a broken voice, way too sad to cry. "You're obviously ready to die, to leave me. You will be the one leaving first and th-that is the luckiest place..." he looks down and takes a loud inhale. "You're so fucking ready to quit."

"I'm not" he states but you ignore his words, they are just wind now.

"But I'm not" you continue, seeing tears fill his perfect eyes. "I can't... O-one day I will have to burn your body, Dean... How selfish is it ? Have you ever thought of what happens after your stupid blaze of glory ?" he keeps his eyes down without saying a word and you could hit him, you want to but instead you let out a desperate strangled scream of pain. "HOW FUCKING SELFISH ARE YOU ! YOU'RE WILLING TO SAVE EVERYBODY BUT ME !"

The burning rage rises in your soul, in your body, and it's like flames were consuming you too, like you were on a stake. Your skin is burning, blood boiling and your heart feels like ember.

"Y/n" he tries, paralyzed by his inability to face this paradox :

If he keeps trying to save you and everybody else with his life, it will kill you ; but if you die, he still burns.

           Is it possible to love someone too much ? Is it possible to actually die of love ? Is it possible that it is too late, that you're already dead...

"I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE YOU" you scream and a costumer of the motel yells for you to shut up behind the wall, you couldn't care less. "FUCK YOU DEAN WINCHESTER !"

He walks to you but the blazing pain is killing you, and you push him violently, making him step back in a huff.

"It's the job, Baby, you know that" he tries but it feels like gasoline on the pyre of your heart.

"Those suicidal shits to talk to Death ! Fucking OD on meds !" you feel tears roll on your face, down your chin and chest, but you don't think you're crying, or maybe you have been all this time... "Michael ! HELL ! THE MA'LAK BOX ! I NEVER FORGAVE YOU FOR THAT !"

"Y/n... I'm trying..."

"You should have tried harder ! I have been there, following you everywhere, accepting your stubbornness. I've been pulling you close but pushing me further. I'm dying of loving you Dean... I have to go."

You turn to put your clothes in your bag.

"You can't leave" he states, coming closer.

"WATCH ME !"

With hunter speed, he wraps his arms around you, hard and fast, with all his strength, preventing your every moves. All you can do is scream, and hit his arms to get free like they were enemies.

"You... You're not leaving me Y/n" he states through tears while you're fighting like you can. "You can't leave me... You're the meaning of my life... I love you more than anything in the world."

"LIAR !" you sob, hitting him with all you have, hitting him with your pain and your panic, with the despair that is consuming you.

You're fighting in a desperate last attempt to survive, like it was your last breath but when he squeezes your weak body harder, you hit and scratch every parts of him you can reach even more.

"I could die for you" he sobs.

"DON'T SAY THAT ! LET ME GO" you scream again, your voice hoarse and throat sore.

The neighbor knocks on the wall... And your eyes catch a glance at your gun at reach.

           You grab it with the speed of rage and point it to Dean's temple. Nothing matters anymore, and maybe if you both died in that dirty room, you would end up together in Hell...

           He doesn't move. You look at his tears soaked face, this face you love more than it is healthy to, to his tired wrinkled eyes, so red that the green seems greener... You cry at how beautiful he is, and press the barrel harder on his temple.

"I could kill you..." you mutter with clench teeth through your blurred mind.

"Do it" he orders. "DO IT !"

His shouting makes you flinch when his nose grazes yours at how close he is.

"WHY IN HELL WOULD YOU SAVE MY LIFE TO LEAVE ME AFTER ! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU !" he screams and presses his head harder on the gun. "LEAVING OR PUTTING A BULLET IN ME ARE JUST THE SAME ! SO GO ON ! DO IT !"

           You fall.

           His arms catch you and keep you up, but every crumb of your will just fell. The gun slips from your hand...

           A few years ago, you swore to love Dean forever, even if it meant death or Hell or even worse... So you will stay here, just here in his trembling arms until you have to burn him, for you neither can face that cruel paradox.

           You know you will walk on that pyre, that day, and hold him until the end. You will burn, but you will stay...

           Because this is it.

           This is worse.

_________________________

FEEDBACK IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME

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[yourlocalsewerdragon]

INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and

bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING

The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks

at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow.

Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing!

You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off

his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up.

SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who

is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED

APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous.

The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who

wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your

cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen

places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with

a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain

feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.

Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror.

GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his

troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over!

An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band

plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I

dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.

CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the

window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick

flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with

the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face.

PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.

ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by.

SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it

isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance

and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks.

MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.

MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly

type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.

Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week.

RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.

Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY

But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.

SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a

pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio!

PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and

sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now...

Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip.

Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body.

DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.

QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and

skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS

The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns

to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be

freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly

sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.

PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his

shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him!

ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.

Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up

on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK

Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her

shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END

you are a nightmare

[unnecessarywriting]

Could you do a Niall one shot where Niall does an ig live and the reader doesn't want to be in it because the fans are mean to her so he addresses it on the live and he gets emotional or something. You hear him and give him a hug or comfort him and the fans realise how special you are to him? 💙

My Everything - Niall Horan

A/N: I hope you all enjoy it. This hit home since I’ve been in the Niall feels after he canceled his concert. I’m sad that I don’t get to see him, but at the same time, I understand. Requests are still open btw!

“Hey babe, I’m gonna go live in a few. You wanna join?” 

He was so sincere. In all honesty, you would love to be able to join him and listen to him speak with his fans, maybe join in answering some questions. These past few weeks had been tough on you both. You lost your job due to the virus, and Niall was forced to cancel tour and do all of his album promotions via Instagram. Had you been really welcome in these lives, this could be a very good thing for you. Instead, the fans refused to accept your existence. To them, you would never be good enough for the international pop superstar you were dating.

The hate had been spread since the moment your relationship had been made public. In the beginning, you tried to follow what Niall told you, and just stay away from the comments. Eventually, you fell into the dark world of his fans. For every supportive comment, there were at least ten explaining how worthless you were. You were often compared to his exes, which only added to your insecurities. It had become rough, as you were forced to keep your distance to prevent yourself from breaking down. In a way, social distancing had been a blessing to your relationship, but it didn't stop the pain that swelled in your heart at the thought of what everyone said about you.

“You know what, I think I’m going to sit this one out.” “Are you sure? C’mon, it’ll be fun. I promise.”

“Seriously Niall. I’m just going to go lay down and read for a little bit. Plus, I think it will be good for your fans to have a little one on one time with you. You don’t need me there.” You finished as you glided into the other room. 

When you left the room, Niall contemplated what you had said, but he chose to ignore it. Maybe you were just tired or frustrated with the current situation. He passed it off as nothing until he mentioned you in his live.

“Okay, uhm,” he began as he was looking through some of the comments. “How is the quarantine life going?” He looked at the camera and laughed a little bit. 

“Honestly, I would probably be going stir-crazy if it wasn’t for Y/N. She’s been great to have around, and she’s really been supportive of the album, and everything. I’m really grateful to have her here with me.” As he was talking about his love for you, the comments came rolling in.

“Why is she there with you?”

“I’d be a much better company.”

“Breakup with her.”

“You're better than her.”

“She’s just with you for clout.”

As the comments flowed through the screen, Niall came to the understanding that you were suffering because of him.

“C’mon you guys. I don't understand how you could be so mean to such an amazing person. None of you know anything about her, other than she is my girlfriend. Using me? Please, she is so far from wanting anything from me other than my amazing self.” He flashed his signature smile. “Listen, guys, she really is someone that I really love and care for. If you can’t accept her, then I don’t know if I can accept you as a real fan. My fans would never spread such hate to people, especially for falling in love with someone.” Somewhere in the midst of that rant, you emerged from the bedroom. At some point, you couldn’t believe that he would stand up to you like that. Sure, Niall is great, and a bit protective, but this is his career. The fact that he told them off had your heart in your throat. You knew you loved him, but seeing him so worked up over how people were treating you, brought you to your knees.

His rant continued, but you just stood over to the side, completely shocked. Before you knew it, you were being carried by your legs over to where he was seated on his couch. You grabbed the guitar that was next to him and moved it. Your arms reached around his torso and held him. Your head nestled its way into the crook of his neck. He stopped talking and just let you continue. Neither of you was concerned with the thousands of people observing this intimate moment.

“Thank you, but I think they got the idea dear,” you said quietly to him. He just nodded in response. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to them sooner.” “It wasn’t your job, plus, I didn’t really want to tell you. I love you, I figured that eventually, I would become immune to it, but I’m still not there.”

“Y/N, I love you so much, but this is my problem. I have to deal with it. I can't have you hurting because of me.” 

You stayed like that for another few seconds before you remembered that he was live.

“You finish this live, and we can talk later.” You kissed his cheek and retreated into the bedroom, this time with a little pep in your step.

The comments continued to fly across the screen.

We’re sorry

She’s amazing

You two are so cute

Picture perfect

Bring her back

“I know. Like I said, she’s amazing, and she really does mean the world to me. You guys, I don't want to be the reason for her pain, so please accept her and get to know her. Hopefully next time, she will join and you can all really get to know the woman who I fell for. You’re also going to learn that she is way too good for me. I mean, she could have pretty much anyone, but I am the lucky guy who gets to fall asleep next to her and wake up to her, well cranky face. She’s not a morning person, but she is still gorgeous. That girl really is my everything.”

The conversation continued for a little while. It drifted into talks about the canceled tour, some songs and then some random conversation. Niall ended the live with a promise to do another one soon.

He walked into the bedroom and flopped next to you.

“I’m hungry.” He laughed at your confession.

“Okay, darling. What do you want?”

“Anything at this point. I thought you were going to be done like an hour ago, so I waited, but here we are.” “I’m sorry love. I was too busy talking about how much I love you.”

“As much as I appreciate that, it doesn’t fill my belly.” You say slapping your hand onto your stomach. “I think we should just order in.” He laughed at your laziness.

“Of course, anything you want.” He smiled as he watched you get up to grab some menus. You are the love of his life, and now, his fans will finally be able to see just how incredible you are. Quirky charms and all.

[zuffer-weird-girl]

It's been a long time since I didn't write anything 'original' of mine, so just have this

Suffering due to the silence

Usually he admired the silence.

It was just so peaceful whenever no one was yelling, making a fuss over something... it was perfect. He could work at peace, read a good book, anything really. When the quarters of Shie Hassaikai were avoided of any sound, it could be uncomfortable to many, but for him it was heaven on earth.

Although... he learned recently that not always the silence was pleasing... and he got that lesson in the worst way possible.

~

"There is no way you need to raise your voice like that." He hissed while you still continue glaring at him with arms crossed "You're an animal now to keep howling like that?"

"Howling? Chisaki. Is that hard to understand that not only you gets worried in here?! You just go into a meeting, nearly almost dies and expect me to not be like this?!"

"You're being irrational." He sighed in annoyance, hand on his temple before he pointed at you while opening hsi eyes "You aren't delusional to think that a job on the mafia is all peace and happiness. Not even commenting on my quirk that can easily get rid of anyone or any injury in general."

"So you prefer to get hurt endless times instead of being careful with your own damn mouth?!" His eyes darkened as his voice lowered as a warning.

"Care to explain what is that suppose to mean?"

"I mean that you don't measure your words neither care about your own state!"

"Stop. Yelling." He hissed but you only ignored the venom on his voice.

"You don't give a shit about me, your partner, getting worried that well, I dunno, just got shot and simply dismissed as nothing?! I know your quirk Chisaki, but that doesn't mean you can just threw insults at other gangs or leagues and just get attached, and even getting the fuck up excuse that they threw the firts move!"

He clenched one side of his head as he growled the kore you speak, why can't you just stop?! He doesn't need you to fuss over something that is clearly not to be even concerned about it.

"SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH FOR ONCE!" he, before he could even process, let out a shout, shocking you to the point if even making you jump.

He breathed in and out, before returning to his composture, the most ugly and cold glare on his eyes to you.

"Whinning and complaining wont lead us to anywhere. And clearly your "worry" isn't just going to help this. So stop with this nonsense for once." He said nonchantly but evidently fed up with all of this... although he noticed the moment a tear fell from your eyes he had gone too far.

He went to speak again before you simply sniffled and looked up at him with the same cold and distant look he gave to you a few minutes ago.

"If it's that what you want. Fine by me... Overhaul." He felt shivers of disgust running his spine at hearing his villain name from your mouth as you walked away with not much words and closed the door of his voice.

~

That was the last thing he heard from you for at least now two days and a half...

He had heard of those 'silent treatment' before. Precepts whose got someone on their lifes often spoke about their partners and how they had "fuck up" to this point. Whenver he heard those, he couldn't understand neither would care to try to, in his head, silence was a blessing.

But he thought the exact same opposite when it comes to having a partner as well... he thought it was unnecessary, a complete waste of time and that teh feeling of 'love' was purely illusion... the moment he layed his eyes on you, he found out those things were real.

The disgusting butterflies on the stomach, the anxiety and craving to see them again, the utter worry and pain whenver you saw they crying or possibly being on danger... it was all true.

This silent treatment, was indeed a pain.

He at first thought that on the first day you would stop with this childish thing and return back to normal... but you didn't. The more the tickling of the clock on his way ticked on his ears, the more he bounced his knee in irritation... another second passed by without you on his presence.

He didn't received any words of you. At all. Not even a glimpse of a eye. And this was slowly torturing him...

He was becoming so desperate at this point that he even tried to catch your attention by calling you or requesting that a precept called you into his office. All of this ended in, you walking past him more quickly and one nervous as hell precept knocking on his door, saying that you had things to do at the moment.

Things were getting bad and darker for the young leader of the Shie Hassaikai. Everyone on there knew that you were the only one whose could calm down the best without getting killed by him... you were the only one who could keep Chisaki Kai calm and... happy to say the least.

You were his joy and light on his dark life... the more he tried to denied, the more he fell for those sweet and innocent eyes and gentle as a touch of a angel personality...

Now? He couldn't even get a good morning or a simple greeting.

He walked into his room and didn't find you, which was odd considering that it was night time already... he had noticed that you waited to get out of the bed only when he left and that you slept on some free room or went to bed way earlier than usual.

He sighed and prepared his heart and chest, which was already feeling tight and cold as ice, to find you reading on the living room... as usual, not even sparing a glance at him.

"Is late. You should go to bed." He commented nonchantly while you flipped one page from your book.

He wasn't blind, he could see teh red in your eyes and the hints if dried tears on your cheeks... for how exactly long you had cried because of him...?

"... is.. a interesting choice." He averted his eyes a bit "But even if it's a catching story, you need rest as well."

Only a nod of your head. It was all he got so far.

He sighed and got out of the room, entering his office and closing the door for just a bit only to open the slightest to catch a glimpse that you had gone to the bedroom shortly after he closed his office.

He had to admit. You were persistent.

And he? Was too prideful to say those words his inner being was almost begging for him to do.

Say that you're sorry dammit. Push your pride aside for once... you love (Y/n), you fucked up. Why cant you just say it?

... he didn't know.

~

Now, it was four days since he had last heard your voice or even felt a brush of your fingers... amd he could admit that he was just miserable.

How could he get so... dependent, in a certain way, of you?

He even himself stopped talking, the less he already did, and even let some slips of precept pass since it didn't matter to him at that time... he only wanted for you to at least look at him. Look at him with love again in your eyes.

One time Rappa was speaking to Tengai and let it slip some shit about Kai just when he was passing by... and the man himself got surprised when Chisaki only passed by without much of a word.

Both man had their eyes wide open and quickly got even more shocked when their boss quickened his steps just a bit to try to speak to you again.

He heard what Rappa said clearly as day. But he cared more about feeling or hearing his love again then some thug that little respected him.

He was... numb.

Although the breaking point reached when he caught a conversation of you and Chrono. Hearing your voice again did atrocities with his heart and head, and he swore he let out a breath he didn't even knew he was holding when he got the privilege to listen such a melodious sound again.

"Come on (Y/n), we're almost begging here.." Chrono spoke while you picked your mug and poured your drink on it.

"Seing the boss in this state is worse and way too fucking uncomfortable then seing him angry. And I fucking meant it! JUSt TalK WitH HiM LiTtlE PuNk-!" Mimic shouted while you sighed and took a sit on the kitchen.

"... you two really dont think I want to..?" You spoke, one of the saddest tone of voices he ever heard coming from you.

"Then why the fuck?" Kurono spoke, more confused then ever.

"I just think he really doesn't care too much sometimes. And whenever I spoke up my worries he just brushes off like it's just annoying or bothering him... it sounds like his worries are rational and worth it while mine is just... whimpering."

He sighed, having to admit mentally that you weren't wrong in the slightest...

"Besides... the way he shouted, and what he said" you tightened your grip on your mug as your eyes burned "I-I... can't just forget neither let it slide..."

He walked away from that place, opting to not hear anything about your sadness longer... While his commurates still try it to change your mind.

That was it... his pride and arrogance that go to hell.

~

You went to enter your room, knowing that Chisaki was probably still on his office working, feeling more tired and sad than ever as the days passed.

How long would you be able to atture this torture (Y/n)...?

You pushed the door and froze when you saw the back of your lover, taking off his tie before he looked at you, same tired and devoid of happines expression of yours.

You lowered your head and turned on your back to him, preparing to leave before you widen your eyes a bit when you saw the wall desconstricting and constructing another part right on the middle of the door... preventing you to get out of the room.

Damn his quirk...

You stayed immobile while your heart pumped hard against your chest while your ears catched the sound of his foot steps coming closer to you.

You didn't move, only gulped the thick air stuck on your throat when the sounds stopped, meaning that he was close enough to you.

"... I am not used to this." His voice sounded so raspy yet rough that send shivers through your spine.

You gasped a bit when you felt his hands and arms wrapping around your midsection to bring you close to his chest... warm breath hitching the back of your neck and ear, making your heart bump like crazy.

"I do understand that you worry about me just as much as I do... but.." he sighed shakily while hugging you closer to him, breathing in your pure and clean scent was so calming yet let him nervous someway... "I am not used to it."

You stood still, not even breathing almost as you let him talk...

"I am not used to such a kind and gentle soul care for me... even spare a single sign of... love." He closed his eyes in a sigh "I learned from a very young age that you can't just trust someone... because normally they would dissapoint or stab you on the back... Pops was a exception since the old man took me in... but I feel in need to repay him and you know it (Y/n)... for me, someone can't just do such a kind action without wanting something in return, and even if him or you say that is not necessary I just can't help it..."

You furrowed your eyebrows together but resisted to touch the arm beneath you.

"I never got such a good person on my life until he took me in... or when I met you..." he sighed, tightening his eyes at feeling the burning on them forming "I know you worry, but for me... it just doesn't matter what happens with me, if I got my goal, then is fine... but I never stopped to think that you were hurting because of my actions and consequences and.... I am so sorry for that..."

You widen your eyes at the last sentence as tears escaped from your eyes... for Chisaki to apologize, without being completly sarcastic, it took a lot...

"I am sorry... for not taking your opinion and worry. I worry just as much about you yet due to my arrogance I couldn't see your own... I'm sorry (Y/n), a millions times sorry, a thousand times sorry but..." he tighten his grip around you as he buried his face in your neck.

"...Will you talk to me already..?"

You furrowed your eyebrows but smile at the same time before sighing, using your hand to brush the slightest his skin a bit.

He felt joilts of eletrevity of feeling your touch on him again, sighing a bit in relief but still wouldn't let go of you.

"... for you to give one apology it takes a lot... imagine a thousand." You sighed and he swore that at that moment a tear or two escaped his eyes as he hugged you tighter as a form of gratitude.

He let go a bit just to pass his arm around your the back of your knees to lift you up in bridal style as he settled on the bed with you on his arms... laying his head on a angle that you couldn't exactly see his face properly.

When he felt your fingers brushing his dark brow looks he knew he wasn't at least that much fucked... but he still holded you close to him, afraid of you regretting your decision.

He sighed through his nose as he nuzzled himself onto your neck, relishing on the calm and peace that only you aas able to give to him.

"Never do this again." He muttered in your neck, the sound appearing muffled by his black mask and your skin "I felt like I was losing myself."

Your giggles were just music to his ears as he allowed himself to smile and close his eyes in bliss, enjoying the feeling of your lips on his temple.

"I didn't thought that four days were enough to leave you like this... I'm sorry." You giggled at the vibrations that were caused by his low groan on your neck.

"You're the reason of my happiness. If you wanted to make me suffer then you were suceful... "

He brough you closer as your sweet voice and gentle touches lulled his tired soul to a peaceful sleep.

[hrodvitnon]

Ok, ignoring what I said last in my previous post (though the flight thing is real), I'm really wondering something right now....

A R.O.B (Random Omnipotent Being), gets MV!Goji's family and allies to gain transparent forms and sends them to the 3 universes MV!Goji was transported to, have them react to what I described in Scenarios A, B, & C; how would they react to their Godzilla getting not one, not two, but three ass-beatings from his alternate counterparts?

Here's my little interpretation in how they would see the alternate Gojis:

Scenario A:

Mothra: Hang on, why does that creature look so small?

Monster X: He kinda looks adora-

*Filitus fires his hyper-concentrated beam at MV!Goji.*

Monster X: And I take it back, beat that little shit Goji!

*Later, when MV!Goji has Filitus on the ropes.*

Monster X: Yeah! Don't feel so high and mighty now, eh?

Mothra: I hope he doesn't kill Filitus, he looks a little scared....

Shin: Godzilla knows what he's doing, he won't kill him.....I hope.

Junior: Yay! Daddy beats green monster!

Rodan: Yeah! Who would care about a brat like Filitus?

*Godzilla Earth appears*

Everyone: ..................

Rodan: ........I stand corrected.

*Earth Goji gives MV!Goji a brutal ass-whooping*

Mothra: Oh dear! I hope he's ok!

Monster X: He'll make it out of this! Goji always has...

*Everyone else just watches in sympathy & metaphorical pain as MV!Goji is beaten within an inch of his life*

*They become scared when Earth Goji charges up his Atomic Breath & holds their Godzilla in place to vaporize his head, but he is teleported away before be can do so. They all sigh in relief.*

Scenario B:

*Everyone becomes shocked when the human warships fire on Godzilla.*

Monster X: WHAT ARE YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS DOING?!

Mothra: Stop that!

Shin: He did nothing! Why are you still firing?!

Rodan: Hrrgh. If I'm to guess, the humans of this world aren't as friendly to Titans like ours are.

Junior: Stop shooting Daddy!

*They witness Godzilla's show of intelligence by deducing the tech level of the world he was now in.*

Monster X: Hmm, he's right on the mark that this is the 1990s.

Mothra: He can be very analytical when he wants to.

Shin: Well, that is very accurate!

Junior: Smart Daddy!

Kong: Huh, well the more you know....

*They see Heisei Goji spying on their Godzilla*

Monster X: I see you, you little bastard!

Mothra:........

Shin: He seems angry at our Godzilla, what did he do?

Rodan: If I'm to guess, he doesn't like our King's presence in his world, and wants to take our Goji out.

Junior: Fake Daddy!

*They see MV!Goji's scared breakdown*

Monster X:Goji.....

Mothra:.....Godzilla.....

Shin: Oh, I wish I can comfort him, but I'm transparent.....

Junior:......daddy....

*They bear witness to Heisei!Goji's rampage across Tokyo.*

Monster X: Damn, so he's a destroyer in this dimension......monster......

Mothra: *Sigh* I believe he's one of the more-violent and destructive of versions of our Goji....

Shin.....(Remembers the time he briefly went on a rampage in modern Tokyo)

Junior: I don't like him!

Rodan: At least the humans don't suffer....

Kong: You're not helping.....

*Everyone sees when MV!Goji rises out of Tokyo Bay & roars a challenge to Heisei!Goji, with the latter's eerily familiar movement of slowly turning around and tail whipping the ground as an acceptance.*

Monster X: Kick that guy's ass Godzilla!

Mothra: I hope you'll be alright...

Shin: Give him the good fight!

Junior: Go Daddy!

Kong:......Well, this is ironic.

*Everyone watches the battle between the two Gojis: grappling, pushing, clawing, and many uses of Atomic Breath on each other. Their Goji even tried to perform the Kiss of Death on his counterpart-but the latter spamming his atomic breath many times prevented him from doing so. They even entered a beam-lock, witn both Gojis putting as much power into their beam as possible.*

Monster X: Get him! Get him! GET HIM!

Mothra: *Holding her breath*

Shin: C'mon, you can do it Godzilla! I believe in you!

Junior: GO DADDY!

Rodan: Kick his ass!

Kong:....You can do it buddy, I know you can!

*MV!Goji concentrates his beam, and it begins overpowering Heisei's.*

Monster X: C'mon, just a little more!

Mothra: *Staring intensely*

Shin: Yes!

Junior: Yay!

Rodan: Oh yeah!

Kong: *In a similar state to Mothra.*

*However, Heisei noticed this, and started to power up his own beam-until it turned bright crimson red.*

Monster X: OH COME ON!

Mothra:....no....

Shin: Oh dear....

Junior: Oh no!

Rodan: Shit!

Kong:.....damnit.

*Heisei's atomic breath overpowers MV!Goji's beam, causing him to be forced back-bellowing in pain in the process.*

*Everyone looks in sympathy at MonsterVerse Goji, and glare angrily at Heisei Goji.*

Monster X:....Bastard....

Mothra:...*Glares*

Shin: *Looks disapprovingly at Heisei*

Junior: Don't hurt daddy!

Rodan:....S.O.B.

Kong: Screw you!

*Despite this, they soon afterwards enter a second beam-lock, this time though-MV!Goji starts to walk forward...while still firing his atomic breath.*

*Everyone is shocked by this*

Monster X:I didn't know he could do that!

Mothra:....neither did I....

Shin: Well this is surprising....

Rodan:Oh, that's a sign he's starting to get serious!

Kong: Let's see what happens next.

(Heisei, not impressed, does the same thing-both Gojis walk towards each other until the energy in between their beams can't take it anymore and explodes out.)

*Everyone is briefly blinded, but quickly see again.*

(Heisei Goji is briefly dazed, but shakes it off and soon has a deadly look on his face. He then does something that shocks the group: he puts his hands on the ground and starts walking on all fours![with his dorsal plates constantly flashing too])

Monster X:H-he can do that too?!

Mothra: Oh dear, this isn't good.

Shin:.....oh.

Junior: Uh oh!

Rodan:.....ah shit.

Kong: *remembers when Godzilla himself did that in their fight in Hong Kong, which brings a bad omen for Goji here.*

*MonsterVerse Goji hid behind some intact buildings as he slowly gets behind Heisei...then he strikes! Tackling his counterpart into the side of a building and beating/clawing him, he initially has the upper hand-that is until Heisei simply kicks him in the stomach & fires his beam at the ground to create a smokescreen. MV!Goji clears the smoke but Heisei was gone, but the family then spot him-climbing a building and looking like he was readying for something. That something proved to be lunging at his larger counterpart with a speed and ferocity like never before! He fired his Red Spiral Ray without a care in the world, knocking his counterpart on his back and leaving him dangerously vulnerable; and Heisei takes advantage of that to stomp, punch, and slash at MV!Goji's chest with unrivaled rage, to the point the family was begging him to stop. Heisei then stomped his foot onto MV!Goji's chest-and gave him a deadly death glare-before he roared in his face-and MV!Goji defiantly responded with his own roar. After a brief pause, Heisei clawed his counterpart in the face and began to force his mouth open.*

(Everyone saw what was coming and began to panic.)

Monster X: Wait, wait, WAIT-!

Mothra:NO!

Shin: STOP!

Junior: NO!!!

Rodan: Shit, shit, SHIT!

Kong: DON'T!

*Before Heisei could fire his Red Spiral Ray down MV!Goji's throat, he is teleported away-and everyone breaths sighs of relief.*

Monster X:....well that was terrifying....

Mothra: I'm just glad he's safe....

(Onto the third and final universe....the R.O.B decides to skip to the battle)

*Everyone becomes absolutely baffled by how impossibly nimble & agile FW!Goji is, to the point one can say he was pointing a massive kaiju sized middle-finger at the laws of physics as he weaved through the attacks of their Godzilla & beat him to the ground with summersault kicks ans the like.*

I'll stop it here, and I know the description of the Heiseiverse scenario is unrealistic, but at least you now get the idea of how Heisei!Goji would kill MV!Goji in a more detailed description. Also; if you like, you can make your own reactions of the Abraxasverse crew to my 3 scenarios, I want to see what those are like & feel free to add on to what I already made if you wish!

I... don't think I can have my own take on the AbraxasVerse Titans' reaction to all this, sorry to say. And not for lack of trying, this isn't just me pushing it aside for later or saying "oh it's not up to me" like with Genocide/Coexistence, I mean you've pretty much got all the reactions covered just fine without any input from me - you can literally make a fic out of this.

The only thing I can think of is the Titans just losing all patience and demanding R.O.B. show themselves, take them and their Goji back home and eff right off before they decide to do something about it, because for all they know R.O.B. is messing up the balance with all this dimension-hopping monster fighting. Also, I'm fairly certain Goji would be able to move while breathing atomic fire without much problem, if he can walk and breathe normally at the same time...

And now I'm convinced that this R.O.B. thing just wants an excuse to see MV!Goji's ass get kicked or even killed by his other counterparts for whatever reason. Maybe it's one of those fans who gets all uppity and angry when a new incarnation is too different for their liking.

[rainbows-and-emeralds]

Jean Pierre Polnareff's true purpose

So, let's talk about Jean Pierre Polnareff.

The "silliest" of the Stardust Crusaders, the "clown" of the group, the "immature one".

Except he's really none of those things. He may not be a genius, but he is smart. People really don't give Polnareff the credit he deserves. I personally do believe, that out of all of the Crusaders he is the one with the worst fate.

All of the Crusaders have been through some form of trauma, yes, they all have faced Dio and have lost friends along the way, but Polnareff has had it especially hard, because people just seem to ignore/forget all he's done, and we tend to put him down as that silly, funny guy from Part 3.

It is true, Polnareff is very dorky and jokes around a lot, and just generally seems to be very at ease in an almost naive way. But this has it's reasons, and Polnareff is so much more than just this.

The people who smile the brightest often hide the worst pain in their hearts.

What I'm trying to say is, Jean sort of uses this goofy, happy facade as a coping mechanism for trauma and grief. Only 3 years prior to meeting the other Crusaders he'd lost his younger sister Sherry. And she wasn't just killed by accident, she was murdered. Imagine what that must have done to him. Whatever it was, it was enough for him to seek revenge, not stopping before anything.

Furthermore, he'd just somewhat come to terms with Avdol's supposed death later on in season 1 of Part 3. Maybe Polnareff even blamed himself for dragging Avdol into this. Especially after going off on his own when he'd finally found J. Geil, which I still believe he did, to not endanger his friends unnecessarily.

Avdol was probaply his closest friend of the bunch. I love the bond these two shared. And I believe that Avdol wanted Polnareff to realize that it's better to have friends to rely on, and that it wasn't his fault.

Still, Polnareff likely blamed himself for being responsible for Avdol's death, having seen him die right in front of him, because he was protecting him..

And later it turns out Avdol didn't really die, he was still alive all this time, and all the Crusaders knew about it. All of them, except for Polnareff.

They didn't tell him, because they didn't trust him to keep quiet about it in front of the enemy.

This is the one desicion I disagree on with Kakyoin and the others. How could they. Not only did they basically end up telling Polnareff that they didn't fully trust him, they left him blaming himself, feeling incredibly bad and traumatized for WEEKS.

And then not ONE of them, not even Kakyoin, really apologized to him. It can be argued that what they did was not to hurt Polnareff on purpose, regarding the dangerous situation they're in. And that makes sense. But it did hurt him. And that's sort of unforgivable in my book. Jean puts up this happy act, and no doubt he does have fun with the other Crusaders, it's not bad all the time at all. But when nobody's looking, the sad, pained look on his face is obvious enough.

In the end, Polnareff really loses three of his friends, two of them because they protected him, and gave their lives for that yet again, but this time for real. He's essentially left with what he'd believed to be true before.

He is alone again.

Having only survived because others protected you and died for that, can make you feel so utterly desperate and worthless.

Despite this sorry state he falsely sees himself in, here is where it truly shows, just how noble Jean Pierre Polnareff really is.

Instead of leaving all of this behind when given the chance, to go back home to France, he continues investigating the Stand arrows, and the problems Dio's actions caused, even after he died.

While Jotaro was on it too, Polnareff eventually decides to further investigate alone, probaply because he wanted to avoid losing another friend because he couldn't protect himself alone. It shows that he's grown. And it shows that Polnareff really doesn't hesitate to risk his life for this.

This causes Polnareff to run into none other than Diavolo, who is after the arrows for his own, twisted reasons.

Which in turn, gets him into an even worse situation.

Not only has Polnareff spent his youth, from the age of 19 (when he lost his sister) to age 36, chasing after the Stand arrows and Dio to seek revenge and prevent even worse things from happening, he's also severely injured and left disabled for the rest of his life at only 23 years of age.

On top of all of this he is now the potential target of one of the most dangerous Mafia bosses in the world, forcing him to live in solitude for over 10 years, unable to contact ANY of his remaining friends or family because if he did so he'd risk getting them and himself hunted down and killed. Thus Polnareff is yet again alone.

Just.. take a moment to let all of that sink in. All of what Polnareff has been through.

And DESPITE all of that, he still pulls through, he still keeps going, stays strong and continuously puts his own life on the line to try and stop Diavolo from obtaining the Requiem arrow.

Because he knows that if he fails, everything the Crusaders fought for in 1989 will be to no avail. And even if he can't do much himself, he finds a way to contact Bucciarati's group after what I can only assume are weeks, if not months of research on them.

(It is almost scary to see how much Polnareff has changed, from the mostly happy, outgoing and talkative guy we've known, to this serious, more mature and collected man, operating from within the shadows to reach out to Bruno.)

Now we, as the reader, know all of this about Polnareff, but to Bruno and his gang, he is a stranger, somebody they don't know if they can trust yet. They also only meet Polnareff very briefly before Diavolo finally reveals himself and kills Polnareff for good.

Jean Pierre Polnareff, spent his live almost constantly facing some sort of trauma. I can't begin to imagine what he must have felt like in the end, knowing he's dying, before having finished what he started, what he fought for.

Yet he spends his last living moments thinking of his friends, the things he's been through back in Egypt, and atleast he knows that what he's done is not in vain, because he can safely place this mission he's dedicated the last 10 years of his life to, in the hands of Bucciarati and his gang.

This has an almost poethic value to it.

(It is also interesting to note that the Stand, Judgement, from Part 3 shows up in this panel. Think back, this Stand had the ability to grant "wishes" in form of illusions that turn against you. That was when he wished for his sister Sherry, and Avdol, whom Polnareff still believed to be dead, to come back to life. This always strangely touches me, because it's so naive to believe in such a thing, yet, it shows just HOW much Jean cares for those two, that he still had hope left, and was unable to let go, as of that time. The pain in his eyes as he realized that this last bit of hope he had was foolish, wronged, he had to accept and move on, which he does for the most part, but the fact that Judgement is something that he remembers in his last concious moments before dying shows that what happened on this particular day never really left him..)

Somehow, Polnareff is given a second chance, in form of his soul being kept alive within this bizarre Stand ability of Coco Jumbo. His body is dead, he can never go back, but Polnareff's spirit lives on. Atleast for now.

And Polnareff did so much. He sacrificed everything, not even hesitating to lay down his life.

He deserved so much better. He deserved a happy, long life, a family, love and friends.

While he may not ever get some of these things, he's with Giorno now. He's made it out, somewhat, alive. He can rest easy now and that is what counts for me. His sacrifices have not been for nothing, and thus, his friends dying to protect him back in Cairo also have not died for nothing. Polnareff carried on their legacy, making their deaths count, moving on, but never forgetting.

It is somewhat ironic that the one who carried Polnareff's mission to the end was Giorno, Dio's son, and yet another Joestar. It seems that the fates of Polnareff, Dio, and the Joestar family were destined to cross paths from the beginning.

Again, as the reader, we know the whole picture, but Polnareff doesn't. And he still did what he did, and he deserves credit and gratitude for that.

This is why Jean Pierre Polnareff is one of the most important people in the storyline of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, and a man who has ALL my respect and admiration. I truly think that without him, things wouldn't have turned out as well as they did, and we have him to thank for that.

The last thing spoken in the anime of Vento Aureo is said by none other than Polnareff:

"Let's go,

...to the Colosseum."

~Haru

[mewmewnyaart]

I'm not very good at drawing horror and blood but I recently have been getting into OFF lately so I figured I'd try to draw batter to pratice lighting and shadows

I also made my own au where batter and hugo switch places but I doubt anyone would like it or even read it heck I couldn't even get a single like on any of my posts

But here I go anyway :

So common belief that the world of OFF isnt real and that its all happening inside Hugo's head because hugo is in a comma and that the batter resembles the father and the queen resembles the mother

And that the guardians are the boy's immune system and organs that are intolerant to the drug liquid plastic that is being experimented on hugo

The mother was always a working woman and never gave hugo attention while the dad was a straight forward and loving man (I also have a personal theory that he's religious)

The mother wants hugo to live but the father wants to let the boy die because he's tired of seeing his own child in pain everyday

Ok now that I have that out of the way here's my au:

In this au its the father that ends up in a comma and hugo is the one who tries to save him from dying

Backstory to how the dad ended up in a comma:

Hugo in this au is healthy and lives a normal life the father was once a baseball player (as a hobby) so hugo got inspired by his dad and started to take baseball classes at his school

One day the dad was dropping hugo off for baseball practice and while waving goodbye while slowly moving out of the parking lot a reckless older student who wasn't looking quickly backs up his truck hitting the father and sending him into a comma

Ok now for the characters:

We enter the game as hugo and we are greeted by the judge and we start our journey of "purifying" the world just like batter

The enemies represent different family members who dislike or or even hate the father and the father's phobias or fears as well as microbes or poisons in the father's system

Then we have other characters like pets,neighbors,friends who are good guys or people who side with hugo in the this au

Also the puzzles would changed in this au

Hugo is a child and the father would probably play alot with hugo and his games since the mother was always busy ,so instead of floating boxes we'd get more complicated versions of kids puzzles like connect the dots or fill in the shapes etc.

Now for who each character represents and then I'll move on to what the goal of the game is or what Hugo's mission is:

Hugo= he represents the son in real life but he also resembles a new antibiotic that's being experimented on the father

The judge = in real he's the family house cat named milk ingame he's a guide but I have my own head canon

so alot of people tend to draw batter with his eyes closed some draw 4 eyes some draw no eyes at all

I like to think that the father irl has bad eye sight or sensitive eyes so he wears special glasses but will not wear any glasses when at home because he doesn't like to so he will walk around with his eyes closed

So milk will guide him throughout the house by purring or meowing at him

As for the smile the judge has on his face hugo likes the movie Alice in wonderland over and over so the image of the Cheshire cat would be embedded in the dad's memory which is why the judge appears that way

He views the judge as someone who is helpful

The queen = the queen is his wife however they start to have alot of problems and arguments before the father fell in a comma

And the relatives try to convince her to turn off the life support and move on with life

Dedan= irl he's the father's brother in law with a snappy attitude and he hates the father alot and even objected in thier wedding day he will do anything to hurt the father or cause trouble

The father sees his brother in law nothing more than a all bark no bite a big mouth

Japhet= in real life is the lady that lives next door (yes I KNOW japhet is male but he's based off if her in the father's head)

She's is very controlling person who enjoys gossip and can't mind her own business always sticking her nose where she can as well as pushing everyone around she does everything she can to get attention and impress people and she's flirted with the father mutiple times but she's ignored her every time

She has very loud and noisy birds and has killed thier other family cat Venice saying that she did it as self defense (Venice is Valerie basically)

The father views her as a parasite

Enoch= he resembles another dad that takes his kid to baseball practice but is in bad terms with the mother and will constantly pick on hugo for fun

He assumes if the father approaches him its because his wife told him to do so

and will constantly say that his child and wife are happy ,living a life with no problems thinking that he's got life figured out

Even though its clear that his son isn't enjoying baseball at all, is quite over wieght as well as his wife ignores him all the time not to mention he's constantly eating meaning that he has some sort of food addiction it seems he sees no irony in his life at all

The father sees him as an irresponsible over wieght person who's always lying to himself and to blind to see the truth thinking that his life is ok when it's clearly not

Zacharie = irl he's the father's best friend since middle school and they've known each other for years he was the best man at the wedding he's bisexual and in a relationship with a girl named sweetie (please don't hate me batterie shippers QWQ!) He used to crush on the father and even confessed to him on the wedding day he was heartbroken but accepted that the relationship was never gonna happen and was even mad at his best friend but realized it was wrong of him to feel that way

He eventually moves on

He likes to bring and buy alot stuff and show them to his best pal later somegimes illegal stuff (he even brought weed over one time oh boy) he's like an uncle to hugo and is always happy to help and defend his best friend no matter what

He views him as a brother and family member aswell as a very optimistic chill dude and will jokingly refer to him as "the merchant"

Sugar: irl she's zacharie's gf (before her he had 2 toxic exes and she helped him out of those toxic relationships) she and the father don't really talk all that much so he knows little to absolutely nothing about her aside from the fact that she likes to talk funny sometimes and is really into dolls and aliens and a slight addiction to eating pixie straws (straws filled with powered candy or sugar)

He views her as a silent person nothing much

The elsens= they are the people that the father meets/sees/interacts with everyday/every once in a while but don't have much of a connection with (you know like a co worker you have small talk with or barely ever see)

Now for the plot :

After the father enters a comma the son starts to go from school to the hospital (they're very close to each other and you can say hugo is 5-7 years old and ) and visits his dad everyday and calls out to him hoping it'd wake him up

The mother scolds him for running off without super vision and that his dad won't wake up if he keeps calling him that whatever he does is useless that his father will remain to be a lifeless bag of meat on a bed

Hugo doesn't give up ignoring his mother's words

She realizes that hugo has an obsession with his unconscious father that is affecting his studies along with his social life

Zacharie doesn't make this any better because he offers to pick up hugo after school to prevent him from getting abducted or lost along with his jokes all the time

She slowly starts to Contemplate turning off the life support machine wondering if it would fix everything

Hugo hasn't been paying attention in class and thier marriage has been having a issues lately her family never liked or accepted him she sees zacharie and others as annoying and problems bringers and maybe they'd have less expenses if hugo didn't have to go to baseball pratice every day not to mention he'd less likely get hurt if he stopped playing

Everyone else started to convince her to turn off life support they discuss this next to the unconscious father

She prevents zacharie from seeing hugo and locks out any other connections the fatehr has

finally she becomes convinced however there's 1 barrier preventing her from doing that.....Hugo

The only person who truly gives hugo attention and love is his father without his father he'd feel lost and scared his mother is always working and doesn't give him much attention

Everyone tells him to give up on his dad and move on but hugo stands his ground

Alot of the arguments and conversations happen in the hospital room next to the father so he hears everything in his comma which leads to the creation of the world of OFF in his head

Therefore we play as hugo through out the game (dressed in a baseball outfit) solving puzzles and fighting enemies "purifying" the world

Not much changes the boss battles the add ons etc. Will remain the same in this au

Maybe there will be more rubber duck /duck/ bird themed stuff in this au aside from the pedalos (ex:move the boxes to make them look like a duck idk lol)

However the final boss will change

Canonly batter is stopped by the judge but in this au the judge sides with hugo because its the queen (the mother) who is trying to turn the switch off and hugo is trying to prevent that

So instead of the judge stopping hugo

Hugo will meet the queen, she will tell him to halt and not bother going any further that her intentions will not change hugo will begin to tell her off everything she's done wrong she will respond saying that she's doing it for thier sake (Hugo's and her's) but hugo calls her out and tells her its not true and she loses her patience with him leading to a boss fight if hugo wins then she will refer to him as "my little sweetheart" and fade into dust

"The room" will also change instead of hugo it'll be his dad (the batter)chained to a wall (basically a prisoner in his own mind) hugo will take 1 step forward activating a trap causing him to plummet down a tube and fall unconscious for a few minutes

When he wakes up he sees the queen and all the guardians standing before him the queen states that he can give up or die trying then she speaks to the puppeteer (the player) the you are given 2 options

1.aide with the queen

2.side with hugo

If you side with the queen you will have the guardians ok your side then Hugo's appearance will change as well he will appear to have a large head with a huge gaping mouth a baby rattle and apron and speech bubbles that say "wah wah" "whine whine" (stating that his mother sees him as a cry baby)

If you defeat hugo then the switch is immediately turned off and it gives 1 out of the 2 bad endings this ending is called "check mate" as a reference to a queen from chess

If you side with hugo then you will be defeated but you won't get a game over yet instead the queen will give you 1 last chance

Then you are given 3 options

1."surrender" 2."gasp for help" 3."cry"

If you choose surrender then you will get the 2nd bad ending in which in life support is turned off the father dies hugo becomes lonely with his mother busy all the time (and not allowing him out side the house and not trusting people) which leads to hugo growing up cold,plain and unloving

At some point there's a scene where adult hugo stares at his old mother laying on the kitchen floor in pain for a few minutes instead of helping her immediately indicating that he doesn't care

If you choose "gasp for help" then you will get the good ending "aye batta batta,strike!" In which hugo will call for help (while in deep pain from the fight) after a few calls judge,zacharie,sugar and a few elsens will come to the rescue and revive you fighting by your side allowing you to defeat the queen and guardians

Everything slowly starts to go back and the father wakes up from his comma everyone in the room stares in shock but hugo had the biggest smile on his face while standing next to his dad's bed "did...I miss something?"

"...daddy *breaks into tears*"

The 3rd ending called "better late than never" is triggered when you choose "cry"

Hugo will cry very loudly

The mother changes her mind and doesn't turn off life support but hugo stops visiting his dad and similar to the 2nd bad ending hugo grows up to be cold and unloving 13-16 years later hugo visits his father again and he finally wakes up from his comma and is discharged from the hospital after 1 year of rehabilitation therapy

By now the mother had remarried and the father missed his son's childhood so now he has to relive his life

However hugo meets a girl who is a complete opposite to him at work and church (rainbow hair,optimistic,enjoys music of various kinds,loves cute things,baking,jokes,and artist etc.) And is forced to work with her as well as she tries to get Hugo's attention so he asks his father for advice on how to get rid of this woman which leads to alot stuff going on and hugo allowing how to love and live life leading him to falling in love with the girl and becoming a new man

(This is personally my favorite ending lol and I MIGHT write fanfic of it on wattpad or here idk tbh )

Anyway this my OFF au I GUESS the name can change to the ON au or OFF/ON au lmao idk

Reblogs and feed back is appreciated

PLEASE DONT STEAL MY AU i worked hard on this thing spent 5 hours to write it all

Heh I sat this as of anyone is even gonna read whatever I dount it'll get noticed at all

[har-rison-s]

all it took

roger taylor x reader angsty one-shot

request: could you write something about getting pregnant with rogers baby like 3 months into dating and him being supportive? or him not? do what you please lol

A/N: This is sad, but y'all love angst so to no surprise and here we are. I love this request, and I kind of like writing sadder things. Gives me much more power to have different dialogues and possible endings, I feel so. Didn't know which Roger to choose at first, but I chose the real og, cause anon didn't give any other directions. There won't be a part two, sorry my loves, only a one-shot. Hope this meets your standards, lovely anon. Happy reading!

main masterlist

borhap masterlist

roger masterlist

warnings: angsty, talks or abortion

Three months it was. Three whole months. It wasn't long, but it was the possible best three months of your life. Music, driving, singing, writing, adventures, flying, love-making. It was so wonderful, and you felt like on cloud nine. There could be nothing better than this, nothing to better to come or to have gone in your life. You were sure. And now the thought seemed more real and true than nothing ever had.

A little fooling around in the bedroom, completely forgetting about a condom or a pill or anything else that might have prevented this little... encounter, so you'd say. And you're here. Crying, alone, abandoned, hurting, confused, unwanted and... pregnant.

Very much pregnant, two and a half weeks in. You felt morning sickness and a dislike towards alcohol, finding its smell horrible. Anything you ate, you threw up and you soon called your mum. She's the one you trust in any question you have, always has been. So you called her and told her what's been happening and she broke you the news of being pregnant.

Her words burned on your lips which you nibbled at afterwards, after the phone call had ended. You stood in your kitchen, thinking of the consequences, thinking of what to do, what would he say... What would Roger say? What would he do? You booked an appointment immediately after having our doubts, having split thoughts about being pregnant. But you were, you found that out that same day, hours after.

Certainly, a three month relationship isn't a lot, and a child too soon for that, but... You weren't sure of Roger's response, but you were very sure that you loved him like no one else. He was a sure one for you, his looks and reputation might not promise that, but you know who he is. 

Yet here you are. Abandoned by the man you thought you loved most of all, the man you thought gave you the same amount of love. The one you thought wouldn't leave you, wouldn't deny you, wouldn't do... what he did. Maybe you should have just not told him, make up lies and run away when your stomach got too fat. But you didn't, and in time, you'll realise that it was the right choice to make.

“Hi, Roger.” You say sweetly to him, your hand around his neck already and twirling the ends of his blonde strands. He smiles at you and kisses your lips with the same smile, making you giggle. His nose touches yours softly, and you kiss the tip of it. Strangely shaped, his nose. A round form, but the pointiest tip at the end. Always reminded you of a little birdie.

“Hi, my love.” He says, slowly blinking. “Have a good day?” The conversation with your mum you had echoes in your mind and the doctor's appointment of last night flashes by, but you nod. 

“Do you mind... sitting down?” You ask. Roger furrows his eyebrows and turns his head slightly. “I have something to tell you.” He nods then, and walks over to the kitchen table, taking a seat at one of the chairs. 

Roger reaches his arm out to you, pouting and you giggle, blushing and trying to shake the stress out of your body. You walk over to him and take his hand in yours. He can feel that you're a bit shaky by holding your nervous fingers between his. Roger looks up at you and you sigh heavily.

“I only found out last night that...” you trail off. Your facial expression changes between a nervous smile and a frown as you try to bring your lips to say the fatal words. “R-Roger, I'm pregnant.” You finally say, maybe in a voice bit too harsh, as you look in his eyes.

You feel his hand loosening on yours as his reaction to your words. You lose his eyes as he looks down. Roger makes no sound. He's completely silent, and you know very well it's not like him at all to be silent. If he is so, then there's something truly wrong or he's deep into thinking. This must be the first and the latter. 

You don't move an inch and honestly, you start to feel very uncomfortable in standing and waiting. Roger lets go of your hand, and it drops by your side. You watch him, and your eyes have started to burn from doing so. it's painful, it's unbearable, and you're impatient. You just need him to tell you an exact answer, you can't face silence or ignoring. You never have.

“Roger—”

“You can't be.” He says so quietly you thought you'd dreamt it due to your zest to hear an answer. You furrow your eyebrows and tilt your head down to him slightly. You don't want to look into his eyes, but you do, as well. You don't want to seem to obvious about it. 

It takes a while for you to manage a reply, and when you do, you speak quietly, as well. “I am.” You whisper. When you don't hear an answer, you can't hide your curiosity anymore. “Roger, what's wrong?”

He looks at you, and for the first time, you can't read his face, you can't read any emotion off it, or feeling. “What's wrong?” He repeats in a shaky and mock-ful voice. “You're pregnant is what's wrong.” He says and you draw in a breath. Did he really...

Tears gather in your eyes and you step away, Roger watching you as you do, not moving an inch, not changing his facial expression. He doesn't even want to apologise. He doesn't think what he said was wrong. He doesn't—”You don't want a child?” You ask in a shocked whisper. 

“So you're keeping it?” He asks back, tilting his head to the side.

“Of course I am!” You reply. “It's out baby, Roger. I want to keep our child... I want to have your child.” You admit, and though you feel like Roger wants you to feel shame for that, you don't. 

“Well, you can't.” He shakes his head and looks away, but then quickly back at you. “I've been making money and we can afford... not having it.”

You don't hesitate to let out a gasp from the shock, your hand shooting up to your face. “You can not make decisions for me just because it's your money.” You say to him, angrier. “And couldn't that money be saved for the baby?”

“No.” Roger says, shaking his head quickly. “Absolutely not.” He assures you and you cry out, tears falling down your cheeks. 

“You'd kill an unborn child because—“ you tell him in a questioning manner but halt when you realise you haven't got a reason. “Why don't you want to have a child?”

“Y/N, we're not serious!” Roger exclaims. “We've only been together for three months and I don't want to have a child with just a fling!” He stands up now, taking a few steps over to you, and you gasp again, followed by a cry. You immediately step back from him and his angry form, grasping the kitchen counter. 

“Just a fling...” you whisper. It goes around in your mind in a loop until the words get too loud for your liking. You sniffle and wipe your face. With tears in your eyes, you face Roger and look at him, trying to straighten your back confidently. You want to shout at him so much, let all your anger and confusion out. But you don't want a shouting match. “Right. So if I'm just a fling, it won't matter to you that I raise this baby alone and without a father, and leave you now? Right?” You ask, expecting a real response, but Roger only watches you. “You'll feel just as alone soon as I do now, Roger. Just a fling...” you mutter again and look down. “Just a fling who is willing to have your baby. I'm just a fling who has supported you more than anyone. Just a fling who loves you.” The words leave your mouth quicker than you can register, but you don't really care that they're out in front of him. They should be, because it's the truth. Even if he was ready for abortion—would he have thought that you two could be together after that?—and even if he doesn't want a baby at all, the words are still true. You love him. 

Roger visibly freezes at that, and sighs quietly. “I didn't know you felt that way...” He admits, and you throw your hand at him. 

“Doesn't matter anymore. I don't need your pity.” You say and walk past him, wanting to walk further into his apartment. You stop and look at him. A smile stretches your face. “I'll pack my bags and be going, alright?”

There's not a hint of sarcasm in your voice, and it surprises the drummer. You have the most genuine voice and smile as you speak, and then walk further into his apartment. As if you two had a regular conversation, like you did day to day. Like nothing just happened, like he didn't just reject a child from you, like you didn't just confess your love to him. And now he knows. 

It's nothing serious. Nothing meaningful. Just like he thought your relationship was. Three months. That's nothing, right? Nothing that important. Just like this little argument. Nothing to fuss about, nothing major that should cost worry or stress or crying over. It didn't mean anything, and still doesn't. Right?

You pack two bags of all your stuff calmly, although tears are burning your cheeks and rolling down them. You say nothing, you don't make a sound. You fight off all the memories that come back with each little thing you pick up in your hand. What's done is done, you've said what you wanted, you've got your answer. Now you go back to your flat and figure out what to do next. But that's only when you get there, no need to think about it now. 

Roger sits in the kitchen with a beer in hand, listening to your footsteps padding on his apartment's floor. He's thinking if he said the right words. He told you the truth, but it would have been better if he lied? You hate lying and liars, and Roger very well knows that. He promised he wouldn't lie to you, but he also promised that he wouldn't hurt you. And now look at where you are.

A pregnancy was what it took for a seemingly wonderful three-month relationship to fall apart. You never thought this would be it. You didn't want this to be it. You wanted for this to be a happy evening full of love and dreams for the future. Now you can only think of nightmares and misunderstanding and doubts. That's what is waiting for you now.

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[thesoutherngems]

Short Stories

“FIGHT YOUR DESTINY”

By: Jewell Delos Santos

June 9, 2021

If breaking the destiny is equivalent to a few days to be with you. I can handle everything just to be with you. How will Marissa deal with the visions she sees in her mind and problems she will face? Will she deal with it or just ignore it? What if she saw in a vision his own daughter, what would she do?

Marissa grew up in a well off family. Even though it is overflowing with love from their parents, it still bothers her that she has the ability to see the future, dream visions often come true in a reality. It gives a warning or just a simple event in another person’s life. When her parents died because of the accident at the beach, she was deeply sad and regretted what happened because she could not stop it. She had already seen it in her vision but she just ignored it.

(Three year passed)

 In the province of Laguna, Marissa and Gabriel live their lives simple and happy. Lisa is the only child of Marissa and Gabriel. When Marissa’s parents died, her parent’s property in Manila they decided to sell it and used to start their life in Laguna.

(MARISSA POV)

Marissa: Gabriel, Lisa come here to the dining table, the food is ready so we can start to eat.

Lisa: (Smell the dish) it smells like good MA, for sure I enjoy eating again. (Lisa says happily)

Gabriel: Gosh daughter, there's nothing wrong with you when it comes to food, especially if your mom cooked it.

(Gabriel's face shows the pain he's dealing with; he knows in himself that he won't last long here on earth.)

Lisa: Dad, you're really mean to me (Pout but he also suddenly smiled at his father)

(When they finished eating, Lisa volunteered to wash the plates. Meanwhile, the couple went straight to their room to rest.)

Gabriel: Labs, we know that I will die soon. Especially since this is also what you see in your vision. If I get lost here, don't forget me and don't leave our daughter. You will always remember that if I die, you are the only woman I will love. Even if I lose our child next to you but in your heart I will stay, I will always watch you from afar.

Marissa: Mahal stop it, you said you will fight cancer, we can overcome it, so you need to be strong for us for our child. You are strong, I know you will not give up. What I see in my vision maybe I was just mistaken. We can still be together for a long time, you can still monitor our child's puberty, stop talking like that.

(The couple's conversation became emotional, but Marissa knew that everything her husband said was right.)

A year later, Gabriel's illness worsened. They accumulated and Marissa's inheritance from her parents was exhausted. Not long after, Gabriel passed away. It was painful for the mother and daughter that Gabriel had left them.

Marissa raised their daughter Lisa, who is now fifteen years old on her own. By working in the market, she has to pay for it every day and she is able to study with Lisa. Even if they go through the hardships of life. They don’t give up on life but it became his strength to face the trials and the problems.

(She saw another vision in her dream, a vision she did not know if she could handle it.)

Marissa: Lisa, you will take care of this house first, after all, it's Saturday, do your activity and assignment so that you don't have to worry about passing it. Be careful here Lisa, call me when you need something.

Lisa: I'm just here at home, but thank you for reminding me. You have to be careful of your work mom.

Marissa: By the way, your aunt Anna is going to come here to the house, she's the one who takes care of you. In the meantime, she will stay here with us so that when I am in the market, you can have someone with you.

Lisa: go ahead mom, be careful I love you (kisses her mom's cheek)

Marissa leaves but the vision she saw does not disappear from her mind, she is very afraid of what will happen. A few days passed and Marissa's vision came true. Lisa's illness was slowly showing signs so she was rushed to the hospital when she suddenly lost consciousness in their home.

(Marissa's mind goes blank as she arrives at the hospital from the market.)

Marissa: Anna what happened to Lisa, what did the doctor say? Where is he now? Anna, you answered. (I can see the fear on Marissa's face)

Anna: Ate, she's in the emergency room right now, there's still no updates because until now the doctor hasn't come out yet.

(They remain silent and wait for the doctor to come out)

Marissa: (Marissa quickly stood up when she saw the doctor) doc how is my daughter? What is her condition?

Doctor: I will tell you that your child is not okay. He needs to have surgery as soon as possible to prevent the cancer cells from spreading in his body. For now, she will be moved to the bedroom first.

Marissa: All right, doc, do everything for my child. Thank you.

She is facing her child who is currently sleeping. Her dream vision is slowly happening. She didn't think it would come true. She turns her mind to how to pay for Lisa's hospital expenses and medications. She, earning from working in the market and the help of her relatives, would not be enough. She just had a headache. She rested for a while next to her child. When she woke up, she was confused and sweaty and fainted.

Vision: Marissa saw the child lying on the hospital bed, weak and could see in her eyes the pain and tiredness she felt. She approached the child who raised her hand, she kissed him firmly on the forehead at the same time, and the flow of tears in her eyes. She walked away from the child for a moment and saw the change in its facial expression. At the point where the child's hands fell from her grip, a mother could hear the sound of a straight line on the machine standing on the side of the bed. Signs that his daughter Lisa is dead.

Marissa: Anna, can you take care Lisa, I'll just talk to our neighbor Eva.

Anna: Sure, why do you need to talk to Eva?

Marissa: Eva offered me a job and I will accept it to pay our bill here.

(Marissa has already left and she goes to Eva's house)

Marissa: Hello, Eva, how are you?

Eva: oh Marissa why, what are you doing here?

Marissa: About the job you mentioned to me, can I still do it? There is a real need for Lisa's expenses.

Eva: Of course maybe that's it? Exactly the other day I will go out of Manila again and again, if you are sure you will come with me.

Marissa: Thank you so much Eva for the job you offered to me. I will be coming back to the hospital to say goodbye to Lisa first. (She says with a smile but there are traces in her eyes of sadness and fear that she will be separated from her child.)

(Marissa doesn't know the job she's going to get is an entertainment house)

(Day of Marissa and Eva's departure to Manila)

Marissa: Lisa, I'm leaving, will you be stronger? Get well. Your aunt Anna will be the first to be with you here but every Saturday and Sunday I will go there and take care of you. The ones I told you to follow, always listen to what your aunt says. (Reaches the sketch pad) Here I bought you because I know you love to draw, so you don't bore here in the hospital.

Lisa: Thank you ma careful in Manila, I will miss you. (Kisses his mother's forehead) Bye ma i love you po.

She didn't expect that the job waiting for her in Manila was just an entertainment house. She tried to eat her own dignity to cover Lisa's medical expenses and hospital bills

Almost two years ago, Marissa got used to her job even though it hurt her that this is the job she just accepted for her child.

Lisa was released from the hospital, they only went there on the day of her checkup and therapy. Everyday Marissa calls her child just to check and to say hello to her daughter. Lisa's hobby was drawing, that's all she did in their house.

Lisa is alone in their house, while she is alone Lisa thinks about her condition. Lisa said to herself, I'm only seventeen years old but am I experiencing this sickness? I became a kind child, obedient to my mother. Why me? Why do I need more? There are so many bad people in this world but why me, why do I suffer from this kind of disease? I want to live a long time but I'm too weak, so I will be able to leave me. Please prolong my life. I don't want mama to be alone here, I know she will be hurt when I die.

(Lisa cries when she suddenly faints, Anna comes out to call her for lunch Lisa, shocked when she sees Lisa lying unconscious)

Anna was shouting to help them to take Lisa to the hospital. Their neighbor came out and helped Anna take Lisa to the hospital. She also immediately called her sister Marissa to tell her what had happened to Lisa. But when they got to the hospital Liza died because she was sick.

(Two weeks ago when Lisa died, until now her mother could not accept her passing. For the second time, her loved one died again.)

(While Marisa was arranging the bereaved child's belongings, she saw a sketch pad under the pillow of Lisa's bed. She looked at her daughter's drawings when she saw a letter.)

(Lisa Voice Over)

Hi Ma, I know when you read this letter I’m with papa here paradise. Don't blame yourself for losing Papa and me, you don't want to see the consequences in your vision. I know you're in so much pain right now. Even if we lose your side, here we are looking at you from afar. Request to heal the pain you are feeling right now. First of all, thank you so much for raising me, taking care of me and loving me. You have been my partner and guide in my trials and problems. I will never forget the times when I was weak and you were there by my side ready to help. Thank you for sacrificing yourself to work at the club for my hospitalization and treatment. Yes, you're not mistaken for wet, I know that's how you work and I'm not ashamed of you but I'm grateful. Maybe you're wondering how I found out, the night you and Aunt Anna were talking about your work I heard your conversation. I'm sorry, I left you right away, I fought back, I tried to cope with all the therapy that was done to me, but my body couldn't handle it anymore. My body gave up. I know that the time will also come when papa and I will be together and at that time there will be nothing to separate the three of us. You always take care of yourself, you always take care, I love you so much mama. Until again.

~ Love Lisa

After reading the letter written by Lisa, Marissa was groaning in tears.

After a year.

Carrying the child's drawing, along with the sister, Marissa went to the cemetery visit of her husband and child. They decide to celebrate in the cemetery for Lisa’s eighteenth birthday. She did not regret that she had done the job and never thought of doing it, working at a nightclub, because she doing it for her lovely daughter.

THE END