god it’s so impossibly hard leaving a place you’ve ached for so hard for three whole years
I get on the plane tomorrow. wish me luck I’m a fragile little animal
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Does anyone else truly HATE being excited? I hate waiting for things that I'm looking forward to. Excitement is uncertainty. It's nervousness, it's energy, it's this weird sense of dread for something that I'm REALLY looking forward to. It's suffocating. I hate countdowns to announcements to things that I want to know more about. I would rather just wake up and check my phone and see what it was through a calm outline. It's physically uncomfortable for me to be excited for things. Does anyone else know what I mean???
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i had to take a beta blocker today because my heart rate wasn't slowing down and i was able to go to work but then i came home and literally felt like i was suffocating 🧍♂️ my heart rate was absolutely fine but i felt like i was running out of oxygen and was going to die. it took two hours for it to pass. never in my 7 years of anxiety have i felt so weak and such strong physical symptoms. i'm so full of life and i had so many plans and i keep getting my hopes up that it'll get better soon but it isn't and there's literally nothing i can do except waiting and coping with it
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would you rather fistfight tartaglia behind the church of favonius or lose 30 rock paper scissors rounds to ayato in a row and he’s making this smug face at you the entire time like he predicted every move you were going to make
gave this like a full day of thought. maybe two days i dont know i have poor memory. if we are analyzing this hypothetical scenario seriously i will have to take ayato rock paper scissors. i could not hold my own in a fist fight against like. anyone. much less childe tartaglia. the psychological warfare that the ayato option implies would be extremely tough to brave my way through but at least my bones will be intact by the end of it
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all right i had a Realization today
so a long time ago (okay, not that long ago, this is like a little while ago), in the heyday of the invader zim fandom there was a fan forum called wormbaby.net. and on that forum as you might expect there was a fanfiction subforum
anyway, long before the Tome that is fallout equestria, there was a suuuuper long invader zim fanfic that i really enjoyed, where because of the distance that zim travelled to get to earth, he inadvertently was exiled beyond the range of the control brains, which were surreptitiously altering the biology of zim's people to keep them in a sort of permanent prepubescence, whereas the rulers were granted the ability to actually grow into themselves (or something, it's been years)
anyway
so the story is that zim, freed from the brains' influence, starts to develop along with dib, but along with the normal puberty things zim is also dealing with the depths of his indoctrination and moreover that some very fundamental truths about his body were deliberately kept from him as a form of control
boy i wonder why i latched on to that fic so hard
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