#my brain cant fixate on anything else

[thanatoseyes]

Step 1: Hannigram + The Brotherhood

Step 2: ???

Step 3: Profit.

[fallowtail]

i try not to let it get to me but the knowledge i am always going to be The Stupid One in every situation i’m in just…really, really sucks. sigh. oh well. i stay silly :3c

[spocksfurby]

sigh

[wren-kitchens]

kinda venty/rant thing in tags cause im embarassed by it and dont wanna put it in a post HDJSK

[sh-tp0st]

the way i made this whole dramatic ass text post but had to delete it cuz i made a typo </3

[goomyloid]

PLEASE explain your thoughts on kriselle in full detail

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS 100% UNPROMPTED ASK! I SHALL EXPLAIN

i hate toby fox. why did he do this to us. he really put it better than anyone else. not really romantic not really platonic but…. something else… some secret more sinister more heartfelt more absurd third thing

i wonder at what point should i clarify that i dont even really seek out kriselle in a romantic context… DONT GET ME WRONG i have zero issues with the ship whatsoever and all of the krisellers out there are living their best (most painful) lives and i SEE THE APPEAL. BUT when i rotate them in my brain i dont need them to kiss or anything like that i just need them to sit down and sadly hold hands and stay like that forever and ever. in case you couldnt gauge that from my art so far

tldr i dont think i ship them in the traditional sense at least …. the things that i usually fixate on for any romantic ship are not there with these two. there are no romantic feelings there In my mind. and all at the same time i start screaming and throwing up and killing myself (all positive) whenever i see them even in the same image together. hngh

ive tried explaining this to people before and they usually suggest something along the lines of a QPR and even that doesnt feel right to me. truly the best way i can put it is… that red string of fate man… which i almost hesitate on saying too because i dont actually know if noelle is Quite an important enough character to the story to warrant a connection like that. WHICH IS A CRAZY THING TO SAY. I KNOW. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING ME WRONG i think dess and her connections to gaster and her usage as a stepping stone into the weird route are all VERY important… but in my brain its just not kris/knight/asriel/every other mysterious main focus of the story Important. i didnt mean to get into deltarune theorizing here i hope nobody’s blood is boiling rn

so yeah in the end. toby fox once again put it best. they are friends, but they are also something else.

back to the actual pairing though… sometimes i think im going overboard and overestimating how close kris and noelle were as children because noelle will go and say things like “i wonder if we were ever really friends at all.” which is kind of a fair statement considering the circumstances. sure they played together and all and tagged along with their siblings to do stuff together but when dess went missing… it all kind of stopped. kris is just a kid, they dont know what to do or even how to process it, much like noelle. asriel is probably dealing with his own feelings, he just lost his friend and likely old enough to understand the weight of what happened. while noelle and kris cant say much to each other at all.

im always back and forth on speaking headcanons for kris but the one that i always seem to come back to is selective mutism… to me kris had a lot of trouble communicating well as a child and could only grow comfortable around certain people, asriel and noelle being clear examples because they’re both so patient with them. maybe because of this noelle felt like they could understand each other without really needing words, and just physical interaction was enough to achieve some form of closeness… or maybe that was all just on her end, she thinks when kris goes to play the piano. but if that’s the case, why does it feel like a concert just for her…?

jesus dont even get me start on them as teenagers either. noelle has lost her sister, and now kris has lost their brother… but not in the same way. they look at each other and wonder if they’re the same now. or, maybe thats too cruel. maybe its not the same thing at all. asriel’s coming back soon, after all. it will all be over soon, kris won’t have to feel this way for much longer, right? so then, why does kris look so miserable, sitting in the corner over there? all noelle feels like she can do is sit next to them quietly. to be there, and to somehow, vaguely, messily help each other. the misfit kids that dont really know how to talk to each other and yet understand each other regardless

thats why the dark world feels like such a dream to her. these crazy city lights, fantastical creatures, susie’s there, and she actually might have the means to defend herself and stand her ground, whether it be verbally or… otherwise

and most of all, much like with kris offering an adventurous haven to susie in ch1, the same is extended to noelle. by kris’s side, no less. it feels like theyre doing things together again, and its fun, and nostalgic… she wants to bring dess. and i think its okay to assume kris wants to bring asriel, too. recreating the make-believe world they lost so long ago… is it really possible?

no… how can it really be possible, when this isnt kris? something is wrong. its almost perfect, except kris… it’s them, but it’s not. she sees their face, their expressions, their laughs, their worries. and yet the voice that comes from them… isnt them. and it scares her! even if nothing particularly bad happened as a result. and if something bad DID happen, well…

she just wants what they had before back. is it really so impossible? can they reconcile after all these years? does kris want to? is kris capable of doing so? maybe they just need to hug again. will it feel like a real hug? the person she thought she understood is acting in ways she doesnt understand. they’re telling her to do weird things. they cycle through actions as if they just want to know what happens. and they cant even play piano anymore.

[subskz]

think about this: chan with an oral fixation AND a mommy kink. i am unwell🥴

please tread lightly when u say this combo of words to me…channie being babied n taken care of is already my biggest weakness but to add an oral fixation into the mix…u must be out for blood 😵‍💫

i think he’d be a lil shy abt outright calling you mommy at first bc well….it’s channie hehe. it’d take lots of reassurance for him to muster up the courage to actually say it without bursting into flames bc even when it makes his heart race w excitement, it also flusters him so bad…but no matter how embarrassed he gets he can’t deny how desperately he craves being doted on and nurtured like that, allowing himself to fully let go knowing that he can put all his trust in you to treat him well <3 over time as he becomes more n more comfortable, the title just slips out of his mouth like second nature and suddenly he can’t get enough of saying it. coming up behind you and murmuring it into your ear when he pulls you into a backhug, or slurring it drowsily as he’s falling asleep. he feels so safe and secure being held by you, whining “mommy” over n over again in the softest voice bc he loves the way it makes you coo sweetly over him and ask “what is it, baby?” all he can do is bury his face into your neck and take in your scent to let u know he that needs you 💗

when he starts mouthing over the fabric of your shirt, letting out cute, broken whimpers and pawing at your chest, it’s so obvious what he wants, but teasing him by making him say it out loud is too easy to pass up~ all it takes is you gently telling him to ask for what he wants like a good boy and channie just instantly melts, nuzzling his nose into your softness flesh and quietly begging to nurse bc his mouth just feels so empty without you. it’d be heaven on earth for him to suck on your chest while you jerk him off, hands down the safest he’s ever felt. he might even cry a bit on days where he’s particularly aching for it ㅠㅠ having all his thoughts and senses consumed by you, he can forget every one of his troubles and just let himself be drowned in pleasure for once. he’d get so lost in it every single time, it’s hard to get him to stop when he sucks so intently that you’d think he was actually trying to make milk come out hehe

and when he’s not latched on to your chest, he’s kissing and nibbling on every spot of your skin he can reach, puffy lips roaming obsessively all over your neck and shoulders while he lets out the sweetest whispers of “thank you mommy” bc he just can’t get enough of the relief it brings him and he’s so grateful that you’re patient w him as he works his insatiable lil mouth. he’d need lots n lots of praise when in that headspace too, even more praise than usual bc he feels extra vulnerable and needs to know he’s doing well for you so he can be fully at ease w it. play w his hair while he’s thrusting into you and murmur that he’s making mommy feel so good~ cup his cheeks while you’re pegging him and marvel over how well he’s taking your strap~ kiss his forehead while you stroke him and tell him that he deserves it for being such a good boy~ his reactions would be to die for <3 he already cant handle your compliments well under normal circumstances, but when you’re taking care of him like this his brain might as well just turn to mush. he can’t form a response beyond making the cutest squeaks of embarrassment and hiding his beet red face behind his sweater paws. but even if it turns him to an incoherent mess, it’s pure bliss for him to hear your loving words while he’s buried inside your warmth or vice versa, it brings him to the edge faster than anything else

sometimes when you’re in a position where he can’t kiss you or nurse, his lips might start to subconsciously pucker around nothing, like he’s sucking at the air in a nonverbal plea for you to fill his mouth. he’d let out the most angelic sigh of relief when you press two fingers on his tongue and he can wrap his lips around them like an instinct, slurring out a garble of “thank you mommy” and “feels s’ good”. once he knows what it’s like to have that comfort, he’d get so hooked on the feeling of having smth to suck on at all times it might even reach the point where he can’t finish without it. if you murmured “cum for mommy like a good boy” while pumping your fingers in and out of his mouth, he’d cum harder than he ever has in his life crying out that he loves you over n over…he doesn’t hold anything back when he feels that safe and protected. if he releases into your hand, he’d get so shy when you bring your fingers up to his face and show him what a great job he did letting it all out for you~ but he won’t hesitate to take those fingers into his mouth too and lick up his mess

once he's come down from his high and his moans have faded into soft, content lil hums, you'd have the clingiest baby ever. you definitely wouldnt be able to peel him off of you for even a moment, not even to clean him up properly or get him some water. you’d have to keep tissues and bottles ready at your nightstand bc he doesn’t wanna move a muscle, he just wants to stay holding on to you basking in the afterglow until he falls asleep. luckily it doesn’t take long, bc when he feels so loved and taken care of it’s the one surefire way to get him to rest properly, sleep takes over his foggy mind right away and he’s out like a light in your arms ♡

[i-heart-hxh]

hi! so ive been so confused/unsure abt why killua's reaction to palm saying "you are the one gon needs most" looked like he was devastated. ive thought of different reasons on why he had that reaction:

1) he got scared/devastated/stressed at the fact that he was the only one who could really help gon at that moment, but he was so sure he was useless cuz he couldn't even snap gon back to his own senses. so its like "if i—the closest help there is to gon—can't help him, then who/what else can?" and so the overwhelming thoughts of gon possibly dying haunts him.

2) he couldn't believe that he's the one gon really needs the most after assuming that palm probably placed higher than him already, and was fully convinced gon cares more about palm more than him. but then palm says she cant even compare to killua, which gave him that reaction .... i guess its like relief but portrayed in a painful way cuz of his self worth issues.

3) he got pressured by the thought of being the one gon will always rely on the most. anything bad that happens to gon will always depend on what killua would do abt it. and killua always worries and sacrifices too much when it comes to gon, so pressure just added up.

aaaand this is making my brain all scrambled (TT) i wanted to ask if u have a clearer answer for this..? i trust ur judgement a lot (｡-人-｡)

Hello! Aw, I appreciate that you trust my judgment, that's sweet of you to say. ❤️ I'll do my best to explain my take on Killua's expression in this scene!

So, I think his reaction of shock and looking devastated is primarily from the first set of reasons you brought up. He already tried to step in and stop Gon and got pushed away and told that the situation with Kite is none of his business essentially. Being rejected like that and being unable to change Gon's course of action (even though that's the role Gon entrusted him with) broke his heart, and made him feel like he can't change Gon's impending tragic outcome.

Bisky also told him this earlier in the arc:

While we know his tendency to flee against a strong enemy is caused (at least in a large part) by the needle, which he's already removed at this point in the series, Bisky's words to him and the gravity of the current situation still weigh heavily on him. In this scene, he's realizing that Gon's fate rests on him--and he doesn't know what to do to save Gon at this point. There's no one else he can ask or rely on any more to save Gon, it all hinges on him. What a heavy burden that is to be entrusted with, especially with how deeply he loves Gon--to a degree where he has actively decided and even stated out loud that he'll die with him if it comes down to that.

That's why he's not happy or relieved (at least not visibly) to hear this, as much as being Gon's most important person is what he wants--to hear this at this point is a tremendously scary thing. He just broke down sobbing on the ground because he feels so helpless to do anything for Gon. This is what he needed to hear, and it's true as well, but it puts him a position of great responsibility towards someone he loves more than anything. He was previously directly told by someone he respects that he'll eventually leave Gon to die, which just adds extra fuel to the situation.

I do think both of your other ideas are things that contribute to Killua's state to a degree, but they're not the primary driving force of his reaction in this scene specifically. The situation with Palm and Gon did certainly destabilize his sense of his role in Gon's life (because he desperately wants to be Gon's most important person and, it's heavily hinted, his romantic partner) and that's why he's so fixated on whether Gon wants him at his side as his friend or his teammate. Hearing this from Palm is deeply meaningful for Killua--he even thanks her for it later (he doesn't specify what it's for, but it's obvious)--but again the timing is what makes it difficult for Killua to hear.

On your third point, I do think Killua also realizes as a result of what happens in Chimera Ant Arc that the dynamic between him and Gon can't continue as it has, hence the separation, but in this scene the situation is too urgent for him to be thinking deeply about future situations beyond the life-or-death one he and Gon are currently in. The pressure on him is absolutely a factor, though.

I hope that helps clarify this important scene for you!

[sout999]

adhd talk

the third truly unsung project alongside my film and dissertation was the weird amount of targeted effort i had to put into Completing Anything Big As A Neurodivergent Person Whose Brain Is A Crazy Off The Rails Train Staffed and Patronised Entirely By Multiple Exact Copies Of The Squirrel From Ice Age

which is a description like 99/100 people reading this can relate to, but i think a sentiment i see less often and therefore feel kind of stupid and stubborn and lonesome about is "adhd is innate but is also exasperated by hectic lifestyle/modern instant gratification machines so if i fix my habits around those i can cure myself forever". which is silly and wrong but also i feel abit disconnected from adhd social media culture and cant cope just relating to it (which is all it seems to be sometimes) but learning to harness or tame it to do the things that are really important to me

i felt really cringe tbh having to look up youtube videos of HARVARD STUDENT REVEALS PRO STUDY TRICK and then narrowing it down to specifically adhd-focused study videos and keeping a planner and setting aside specific time to study studying and practising anti-academic meltdown journaling techniques and reading fucking atomic habits but i really didn't want to contribute to my abhorrent academic record following me all through undergrad. in fact i wish i had done this sooner but i was not self aware enough to consider the fact

probably the best change i made was severely cutting down or being mindful of social media time, i don't backread my tl anymore and have more moments of awareness when i find myself dumbly scrolling and realize i dont want to be doing this, and then wondering what i actually Do want to be doing. i keep a book nearby to read, and have also swapped a lot of social media time to sketching-off-pinterest time. reading about the psychology behind social media apps is also super interesting, although i always feel like a paranoid wacko conspiracy theorist talking about it. stuff like how negativity and judgemental behaviour is good for engagement (and therefore ad revenue), and how if all posts on your tl were interesting you wouldn't be as addicted to social media as you are, therefore microblogging employs a slot machine/gacha system where you "roll" for posts by logging on and hope to get a good one. it's a little full on but the more i think of it as a revolting and evil machine the more incentive i have to do something else with my time ^q^

a harder thing to do was, in the late stages of the project, the real crunch time month, avoid everything that could become a huge hyperfixation, and then eventually even minor distractions or fixations. because i know if i got super obsessed with something i'd just be up posting about it or drawing fanart. i had to bar myself from persona 3 remake and elden ring dlc and all these other shiny new releases, and the mobile games i was playing... i look forward to catching up on them now. i took up reading books a lot more because unfortunately thats just not as exciting. in the last month of film work i stopped listening to music on my computer so i wouldnt get drawing or animation ideas to distract me from film work. as of writing this i havent listened to music in like 40 days guys 😱 at the same time i am the kind of person who needs background noise to work, so i have:

watched novum's four hour hereditary video essay three times

watched novum's seven hour midsomar video essay three times

watched that one five hour bojack horseman retrospective twice

listened to audiobooks of the Britney Spears biography, Jennette McCurdy biography, three Playboy Bunny biographies (i was on some sort of lady bopgraphy kick i guess), and a few fiction books

rewatched all of bojack horseman

started on House MD and got a few seasons in before i finished the project, amazingly the perfect show to look away from bc of all the medical stuff, how many lumbar punctures do you need to show like seriously

honorable mention to the learned skill of communication and being honest and picking your battles and killing your darlings which is a larger part of managing mental illness than i cared to admit but one of the hardest ones because it involved confronting things and making big painful drastic changes and then having to tell the faculty about them. sometimes i'd be stuck on a piece of animation work for weeks/months, then go back and change the underlying idea to one i'm actually passionate about, and do the animation work in one day using newly found magical hyperfocus passion power. it's crazy! but being able to be confident about taking those steps rather than keeping on with what you're "supposed" to do went a long way.

i very much look forward to listening to a music and playing some video games properly now and being pulverized like a small victorian child from the sheer amount of fun i'm having. i'd say it was all worth it and a fun experiment in channeling the magical humours of passion and boredom and i hope it will help me with future projects too. i Am super burnt out though x__ x thanks for reading and for all your support up until now!

[spaciebabie]

sorry to like dump this on you you can delete this if it bothers you absolutely not obligated to answer it i just wanted to know and apologies in advance if i cross a line somehow-

so you know how when you get like. really fixated on a character. you know how that is. and its no coherent thoughts. its just 'THEM. THEM THEM THEM LOOK IT'S THEM LOOK AT THEM LOOKLOOKLOOK-' right? that's okay right? because everyone kinda churns out all these ideas and headcanons n stuff and my brain is just. yknow. that. that's okay right? i am literally incapable of anything else i am head empty i will stare at them blankly no thoughts.

...that is like, okay? right? kinda bothers me a bit that i can't really think of anything to characterize/add a little more depth to characters i get interested in because my scrambled thoughts literally do not do them justice-

hey nah ur fine, this is a common experience w/ppl, myself included. there's nothin wrong w/yu. its how ive experienced all of my blorbos and also all the things ive liked in general. i can speak abt a general idea abt who they are and stuff like that but going in deeper i just cant do it skdfjkdslfj

its why i cant leave good feedback on fics and i always feel bad that i cant pick em apart like others do but i mean!!! i just have a different brain!!!! yu have a different brain!!! the consumers are just as important ta the fandom ecosystem as the theorizers and/or hcers!!! its okay my friend :)

[elegyofthemoon]

logs before i forget bc i am Depleted of energy and need to winddown w star rail

i just hung out w new people and played ddlc which was very fun! we did some reading and stuff for it which was cool and then i got anxious and tired from the anxiety so i had to leave alkdfjahl but it was cool to see ddlc again and hang out with new and old friends

i FINALLY MADE PROGRESS IN HONKAI.... i finished chapter 13 and god.... i forgot how much i love this story so much just because its been such a long time since i was able to sit down and play it. like im pretty sure the last time i was able to make progress was back in december...? the only times i ever made progress was when i finished an exam and id just sit and read for a while and augh its such a good story i love it so much,,,

kinda related but getting news that theyre finally putting cn voices over the cgs is so nice ; w ; i mostly play in cn voices so it felt weird when it switched to jp but me and my friend were maybe going to stream honkai together on the weekend (i feel bad bc i'm probably going to be annoying. bc thats my fixation rn), so itll be cool to see the cgs in cn !! hopefully?? idk i tried to play it today but its still jp alksdjafh

that being said im also v excited about the weekend w my friend,, i just hope i dont wind up being annoying...

i also have new. oc ideas so thats. fun.....

oh! i got take out :) except it was weird tasting (burger pizza) but it was a funny experience so im chill. i havent had take out in a while cuz i just cook food to eat at home instead but it felt nice to have some takeout ;w ;

asldkjfah idk ... my brains so dead rn that i cant remember anything else.... okee i go do my night routine and winddown to star rail B)

[shaampoo]

Me: *Trying to write a fanfic*

My Brain: Hey, hey, hey buddy, what if *leans in close* we make another one?

Me: can we at least finish this one?

Brain: Nope! Cant focus on anything else! Gotta do this one till you hyper fixate on your other fanfic again! Or make another fanfic...

Me:

No but like seriously

OKAY BUT LIKE WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS, LIKE, I HAVE NIOT UPDATED IN SO LONG CAUSE I DONT FEEL LIKE IT (also due to personal stuff and school but eh) AND LIKE?!?!?!? AND NOW I CAN ONLY FOCUS ON WHAT IM FIXATING ON AAAAAAAAAAAAA

[just-some-random-blogger]

Just read parts 1 and 2 of 'Never Before' and I'm going feral, crying, screaming, going up the wall, sleeping in the highway, bathing with acid, foaming at the mouth IT'S SO GOOD BESTIE AAAAAAAA👹👹👹👹👹

The dynamic between reader and Aegon is SCRUMPTIOUS got me smiling at my phone kicking my feet and twirling my hair, omg absolutely mesmerized and in love

And Aemond's little teacher crush??🥰 he's just so desperate I love this pathetic little man

Reader is such a bad bitch too she knows everything, and she kinda reminded me of Sersi from Eternals (2021) but less annoying [if you have watched Eternals you might understand why I dislike her so much but the point is that she works at a museum too and knows everything about the past]

Anyways pardon my rambling, I just had to put it out there 🙈 and pls pls write more modern!Aegon x reader I love how you write him so muchhh, you're so talented 😩

– love, Nyn 💌

HELLO NYN <3 <3 <3 I WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE THIS IN MY INBOX WHEN I WOKE UP <3 <3

I am so touched that my modern!daemon au made you feel so may things here's a love letter for you <3

I'm going feral, crying, screaming, going up the wall,

cryING LAUGHING

sleeping in the highway,

❓❗❓❗ HAHHAAHHHA

bathing with acid,

[JAW ON THE FLOOR] BATHING IN ACID I-

foaming at the mouth IT'S SO GOOD BESTIE AAAAAAAA👹👹👹👹👹

THANK YOU SO MUCH <3

The dynamic between reader and Aegon is SCRUMPTIOUS got me smiling at my phone kicking my feet and twirling my hair, omg absolutely mesmerized and in love

i AM SO HONORED YOU FEEL THIS WAY I HAD SUCH AN AMAZING TIME WRITING MODERN!AEGON HES SUCH A BABE I LOVE HIM

And Aemond's little teacher crush??🥰 he's just so desperate I love this pathetic little man

RIPPPP MY POOR AEMOND REDUCED TO A PATHETIC WET PIECE OF PAPER (prolly soaked in tears)

Reader is such a bad bitch too she knows everything, and she kinda reminded me of Sersi from Eternals (2021) but less annoying [if you have watched Eternals you might understand why I dislike her so much but the point is that she works at a museum too and knows everything about the past]

HAHHADHLAHDASHHDHA i see i actually did watch eternals and i was just very confused at the end of it if im being honest. i mean i mostly fixated on barry keoghan's character druig 😍 but idk i dont think much of the film tbh so i cant say i understand why you find sersi annoying HAHHHAHH

Anyways pardon my rambling, I just had to put it out there 🙈 and pls pls write more modern!Aegon x reader I love how you write him so muchhh, you're so talented 😩

i love rambling <3 you can come and ramble to me about anything anytime! i'm happy to announce that this fic wont leave my mind and i have like 9999999 ideas for it and that includes ???? possibly a spin off for aegon and aemond im so not sure do not quote me on that, but for the mean time id just like to tell you i plan on making a p3 and A LOT is going to happen. a LOT needs to happen or else these brain farts will make me explode T_T

im luv u so much thank you for gracing my inbox with your sweetness

xxx

[pastafossa]

I need to know if anyone else cant watch other shows they know have loveable characters because they are so loyal to a specific blorbo (matt murdock obviously) like I’ve been meaning to watch the sandman but what if I fall in love and neglect my other blorbos 💀

If it helps, there have absolutely been times I've put off watching shows that I know will likely give me a new blorbo because I just KNOW I'm going to wind up fixating and neglecting whatever I'm working on creatively! You'll see that especially sometimes when I'm working on some arcs in TRT and need to focus my brain on working out an arc with Matt and not anything else.

One of the only reasons I feel pretty safe about Matt at this point is because he's been my steady fixation and comfort blorbo since S1 in 2015, my north star of blorbos by which I navigate, the guiding sun to which I always return when it comes to characters. But I'd absolutely be at risk of neglecting and wandering off if he was anyone else tbh. That's how my brain usually works, with Matt being an exception.

we'll still likely get some dream fic and content from me likely but trt should be safe in other words

[morphogenetic]

feeling Bad on this night about how I cant even get fixated on anything properly bc I can't Let myself get fixated or else I'll ruin my schedule. it feels so bad bc succ was ALMOST it and then I got too behind work and it wasn't any more. lol. honestly idk when I'll ever have another true long-lasting fixation ever again. succession is kind of it but im just permanently going to Have A Schedule and ig that means no joy that lasts longer than a week for the rest of my life

who knows. maybe I'll let myself buy the script books to try and maintain it but it feels so bad bc IT IS OBJECTIVELY SO GOOD and yet my brain stopped latching onto it like a leech once it realized that I couldn't give it more blood

the last actual long-lasting fixation I had was fucking blue flag. three years ago and going strong. succession was almost there but I broke it off before it could take root. why do I always do this

[magnoliamyrrh]

I really hate how trauma effected my art. Ive seen many trauma survivors make beautiful art about survival and growth and other really beautiful stuff while i can only make really gross stuff about destruction and hopelessness. I dont like it. Every time i tried to make lighthearted things it didnt feel sincere.

I saw a movie about a disabled person who had an accepting environment and parents who loved him and everyone who heart him learnt from it and became kind to him and he grew up happily. It was around the time my story was really shapping up and i was even starting to be proud of it. But after watching that movie i felt so gross. That story actually gave hope to people but the only thing people will get from my stories is a small echo of my trauma. My brain is too clpuded by pain in order to create anything else. It makes me feel like a bad person. Did you ever go trough something like this?

heyo dear <3 yea i really do get what youre saying. my best friend some weeks ago was saying i need to put my art and writing and ideas out there and it send me down this same spiral, and its still something im struggling w tbh.. it makes me feel like maybe ive got nothing to add but my hopelessness, dispair, endless entrapment and contemplation of pain and sadness and doomfullness and trauma to this world... at least, most of it seems to be that, or it seems at best a fixation on trying to find some sort of grim, melancholic beauty in the rot. and whats the point, when theres already so much of that in the world..? and its made me feel like a bad person too, bc it just further reminds me im not that "ideal" trauma survivor

but. ive been trying to look at it other ways too. i think theres value in your writing and art if it comes from sincerity, and i think theres value in art which is depressing and doomful if its real and from the soul about it

i think it can provide a comfort for people who are much like you and i, at least, i always found that sort of art did.... if anything, while everyonce in awhile i appreciate a movie like the one youre speaking of, theres also many (most times) when even if i find it sweet, i find it.... harder to connect to, harder to resonate with, harder to care about. its nice and all, but i guess i tend to gravitate twoards art which makes my pain feel understood, seen, like someone else out there gets it, feels it too... and i think there really is just as much importance in that sort of art being out there as there is in that more positive side of it i guess ....... kinda like how i find comfort in even you sending this message, you know? you didnt write me some sort of hopeful thing, and yet, its both nice and sad just knowing someone has had these same thoughts and feelings running through their head and struggles w this too

... and.. maybe it doesnt seem like it to you at times, but i think in the first place writing a story, working on it putting it out there is in and of itself able to give ppl hope. bc its making something out of your pain and trauma, using it in some way, channeling it; hell, managing to get stuff out there despite feeling bad and traumatized - thats something

... and really on top of that, havent so many of the great pieces of literature of this world Been that anyway? doom, melancholy, lements, depression feeling haunted trauma endless problems endless tragedy with seeminly no resolution a general feeling of doom and dispair, clearly heavily influenced by these authors own shit.... and yet, they are read by so many people so many times, for both their artistic quality sure, but their relatabilty and realness too, their rawness, so that we can sit with something which understands. if you feel like your story and your writing is all doom and dispair you wouldn't be the first one for sure; plenty of great writers kept that going for decades

...

you cant and shouldnt force art, it should come from the soul. if right now this is how it is bc youre not feelijg or doing better, then it is how it is and it still has value.... and maybe one day, and i really hope so and wish so for you, you'll be better, yea? you will feel more healed, more hopeful, more at peace, in less pain, less tired deep down. and maybe then, your art will change and reflect what you will be feeling inside moreso, you will be making more of that art which feels more hopeful abt things... but until then, i rly think its still worthwhile and meaningful to keep working on what you've been working on <3 its what ive been trying to tell myself too