#my dad and brother felt a bit meh about at and i'm like sure

[fumagus]

I saw Strange World today!  Very Marnie-core, and just pure, fun action.  A solid 9/10.

But I also had the misfortune of hearing Crisped-Rat Mario right before.

[feminist-minimalist]

Hey, so....

I don't know how to put this, but abuse and neglect is bad, guys.

I mean, let's look at my life for a moment:

I don't talk to my family. I either am or used to be in two different wills. I no longer care about that and went no contact. Every interaction with them felt hollow, superficial, and like I was a fucking accessory. Anytime I was struggling it was "here, have money" with my dad. Other folks, "get over it, man up, sticks and stones my break my bones". Then made to feel bad about it when the money was all he offered.

My family don't know shit about me. And now I'm just like "meh, I'm gonna stop trying." Blood of the covenant is thicker than water in the womb it seems. Not that I'm leaving my university apartment much. I don't even have a car anymore. One day though.

Also, I am at a point where people talking about their family irks me unless we stiching and bitching (using that endearingly, sorry if that was a bit too harsh). Same with people's love lives. I am hoping EMDR makes me a lot less sensitized to every thing. I feel like an exposed nerve.

I lost my job over mentions of rapists during icebreakers and my PTSD response. Got blamed for it obviously. I mean, yeah, I didn't act perfectly, but they could have been more understanding. Like I had a right to sue and everything and just went "you know what? I want to fix this myself and I don't want a court case". Not saying they didn't do anything wrong, not saying I am a complete angel either. Just saying...it's chaos, be kind.

With Epstein, Pizzagate, The Sound of Freedom, I have to say...ya'll...

DON'T KNOW A DAMNED THING! Like, I think in this case, Urissa was kind of right. There's a lot of performative support. Not a lot of actual support. Still, doesn't make it any less true that she could have gotten help if she wanted though. I mean, I swear by my Medicaid paid, telehealth EMDR. I might even try to be a provider for it later. It feels like an antivaxxer talking to a doctor who specializes in immunology. Just shaking my head like...."that's not how...any of that works".

I also still really really really don't want to deal with in person sex or romance. I'm way too fucking scared because of Urissa's bullshit. Hire a cam model a few oceans away? Sure. But a woman that I see in person? I'm like "....." Like I really don't see anyone I meet in person as "romantic or sexual prospect". I am *way* the fuck too traumatized.

Even if I do say "well, I'm going to lose weight" I still fear the attention that I had from women growing up when I was actually able to take care of myself for a few years once my molesting brother moved to the other side of the country for college. I still think I was pretty asexual growing up because of the molestation and after Urissa it just became this thing of like "well, here's some connection and here's a way to experience sex without having sex". Don't so much agree with the shitpoor Asperger's diagnosis anymore. I may have had symptoms that shared across for PTSD and trauma. Bear in mind when I reported my CSA, the CPS laughed at me and my parents' response was either no response or "this makes me feel bad take care of me and make me feel better!" instead of you know? Protecting me?

Eh.

Am man. Must shut down emotions.

At least, that's what people want me to do. But I am a rebel it seems. A very fat, tired, broke rebel shouting with his keyboard. For now anyway.

What happened to me didn't make me a better or stronger person. It made me fearful. It made me miss out on "normal human things". It's blocked me from connecting with people properly. It made me distrustful. It made me less joyous. It made me angry. I already was a sweetheart and relatively resilient when I could actually have what I preferred. But after everything. Especially after the PTSD incident that got me fired, I just...don't know if I can always be sweet anymore. I really do have a high sensitization level for injustices. It's made me cynical.

Oh, and my childish family and Urissa kept telling me to grow up. So that's fun. Seems like I had to parent them and whenever I didn't know how to handle a situation instead of saying fuck off they just said "grow up and leave me alone with your stuff, that's your job to take care of my emotions and my adult issues!" in essence.

I don't even call Urissa an ex-girlfriend anymore because what the fuck was that shit?

I never actually dated her. I trauma bonded with her.

Guys.

What's a date? Because I don't fucking know if I did that with Urissa.

I think it was more like:

Raymond: "Hey, I see you are suffering do you want help?"

Urissa: "Yes."

Raymond: [Listens] "Oh, by the way I gotta go do some activist thing".

Urissa: Oh shit, there's gonna be girls there, let me express my "feelings" to him!

Raymond: [Shocked, but I think "this is new, let's try it. My mom's dying and I don't understand why I just don't care"]

Raymond as a 32 year old: "I should have listened to the social cues of interest at the activist event and let Urissa figure her shit out. Not that I have that drive anymore."

I don't know. I regret a lot of things regarding women that have shown interest in me, but I never thought "let's have sex!" Maybe I thought "eh, I'll try it and they're pretty and interested". But I never thought that it was "for me" you know?

Also, maybe they just were like "oh attractive, but.....eh." I didn't want to impose.

Anyway.

I don't miss my family. At all. I didn't mourn when people starting passing away or having health issues. I just thought "shit. They just..fucking. FORGOT about all the fucking trauma I went through with my brother and his best friend and my uncle. What the actual...what? I miss my Ozzie cockatiel though for sure. I miss the financial support. But the neglect? The verbal and emotional support abuse? The sexual abuse? The dismissals when I confronted them on it?

Nah.

I mean, yeah, I still feel compassion for them in a very intellectualized, cognitive way, but at the same time I'm like "on paper, you should have been a great family!"

I wanna change my name, ya'll. I really do. And I wanna move to a different, more nurturing country. But, I have some healing and desensitizing to do first.

I need a break more than anything, really. I feel like I've been in survival mode for 32 years whilst taking care of people who should have been able to take care of themselves.

[canaryatlaw]

god I'm tired. today was good I guess, I just feel shitty at the moment. I slept in at least, but when I got up we pretty soon started getting ready for the wedding. I'm kind of out of practice doing my makeup since I've rarely been doing it for a year now, so it could've been better but it was fine. the dress was a bit of an ordeal, it had a bunch of complicated straps in the back and I didn't really realize pretty much the whole back is open, which I felt kind of awkward about. I ended up ditching my bra completely and I think it worked pretty well from there. We were getting ready to go, but my brothers' girlfriends were taking forever getting ready, so we left late, and then god I swear, my mother has the worst sense of direction, she couldn't even follow the gps in the car, it was driving me nuts. we made it there thankfully, then there was a whole to do about parking, but whatever, it worked out. the wedding was outdoors and then there was a tent set up for the reception. the wedding was really beautiful, it was all in an arboretum with just really gorgeous scenery everywhere. after that they did the whole appetizer thing while they did photos and such. We were there because the groom is the son of one of our close family friends, we've spent tons of thanksgivings and christmases with them, so we're pretty tight, and they've been really good in providing support after my dad passed, so that's been much appreciated. they have a daughter a year older than me whose name is ironically also Rachel, and she was living in Chicago for a bit before moving to Maine (something about a boyfriend and a lobster catching business) that I'm like legitimately friends with, but she ended up not being able to come because someone she worked with got Covid and she had to quarantine, which means I was left at the family table they put me at expecting her to be there haha so it was just me, my mom, her sister, her dad, and her aunt. their mom didn't end up making it....she has an alcohol addiction unfortunately and has really been struggling with that, which has just been heartbreaking to watch, especially knowing addiction is a disease and not something you can magically make go away. sigh. anyway. the reception was nice, I somehow ended up with the vegetarian option because I guess my mom put that down for me and she got the fish so she said we could always trade? lol but hers ended up being salmon, which I've eaten exactly once in the last like, 15 years (not counting sushi, that's a different category) but the vegetarian option ended up being gnocchi in a thick tomato sauce with some fresh mozzarella melted on top, which was pretty good, the gnocchi were pretty huge though. We danced around for a bit, I'm not super fond of dancing at these kind of events, but we jammed out for a bit, and that was fun. they didn't really end up having a cake- they had a small one that was set out but it didn't actually end up getting served, so I don't know what happened there. the tent was open on the sides and it was getting pretty chilly, so I was really cold and also started getting mosquito bites (once I realized I put on some bug spray that I have in my giant purse but it was too late for a few) so I was kinda meh for the end but made it through. getting back to the hotel with the 6 of us jammed in the 5 seater car was a whole to do, with my brothers being peak obnoxious, so I really just didn't want to deal with them. we made it back eventually, there was supposed to be an after party taking place at the hotel in a little bit but I was definitely done for the night, so I just went straight to my room and took a shower, felt a bit better after that at least. I went on my laptop a little before I started writing this, and it's just after midnight, I'm not sure when we'll have to leave in the morning but I'd like to maximize my potential sleeping time, so I'll end this here. Goodnight loves. Hope you had a marvelous Saturday.

[luninosity]

Hey, Luni, weird questions here, but as someone who is on the fence about having kids, I'm curious: Why don't you like children? Have you ever felt pressure from your family to have children? Do you ever wonder if later on in life you'll wish you had had kids?

Hmm, well - some of this is a bit awkward (and, while I don’t think you mean it to be, mildly critical) as far as phrasing, especially that first one, but I’ll do my best to be honest about it! This will require multiple answers...

1a) Let’s clarify: I’ve never said I actively *don’t like* children in general, exactly - I have said I’m pretty much ‘meh’ (unexcited, neutral, temperate) about them (I have also said I actively don’t like my brother’s children, and I don’t, but that’s because they’re genuinely inconsiderate obnoxious manipulative little monsters, but that’s them specifically, not all kids! I can give you examples of things they’ve done, if you want proof - I think I’ve mentioned some instances before on here, too). I don’t mind kids if they’re polite, capable of functioning on some basic level in human society, and capable of self-entertaining (and I don’t mean, like, that I never want to talk to them; I mean the difference between a kid like Awesome Husband’s nephew, who can sit and play a game or read a kid’s book to himself if the adults are clearly visibly busy, versus my nephew, who will literally, and I do mean literally, run up to you and scream in your face if he’s bored and you’re not paying attention to him right that second). I taught swim lessons to kids for years, and we’ve babysat on occasion; I can totally hang out with kids for a few hours, especially if we can play something fun together or if they (have to) listen to me. We played board games with the Awesome Husband’s nephew in question last Christmas; obviously not like playing with a group of adults, but that was fun, and I’m not opposed to running around with fairy princess wands at the park for a while with another niece on that side, either. To continue...

1b) I’m not sure I’d be a good parent long-term, though. I’ve never been especially moved by kids (you know, the “OMG babieeeeee” thing? I personally don’t have that reaction or instinct or whatever; never have), and I’m not sure I’m ready to be that...unselfish? I mean, I don’t feel like it’s selfishness exactly; I devote my life to teaching and writing. But I like being able to go to academic conferences in England or Australia without having to worry about child-care, and Awesome Husband likes being able to come with me; I like writing time, time to myself, at home, and the ability to structure my own day around grading, writing, research, creativity. I suspect I’d start resenting a screaming irrational thing that is constantly with me, day after day, no respite. And until I know for sure that I actively *want* a kid, and all the attendant changes in lifestyle and responsibility, I’d rather not commit to having a kid, because you can’t exactly take it back, y’know?

1c) this is also why I’m very ‘meh’ about kids in fic - like, I don’t hate it, I’ve even written one or two kid!fics (by request! only ever by request, and for good friends), but it’s just not a thing that excites me. It’s not a hard no the way that, say, animal cruelty would be, but...meh. Neutral shading toward ‘I’d better have another good reason TO read it.’

2a) family pressure - my parents are actually pretty chill about it; they’ve literally said, “your brother already has three [side note: only one on purpose, ahaha], so, like, no worries.” And my Fabulous Lesbian Great-Aunts are very militantly of the opinion that it’s nobody’s business but the people involved, and they will step in if anyone tries to pressure anyone. Awesome Husband’s parents are...they try very hard not to pressure us, because they’re super-nice people and they really really just Want! Us! To be! Happy! ...but they also really want to be grandparents. They get wistful looks and immediately coo over babies, when they appear on that side. They occasionally make comments that we’ve honestly accidentally overheard, to other family members, about wanting a grandbaby of their own. (Awesome Husband’s an only child, so it’s us or not at all.) And some of the extended family on that side can get a bit pushy, in the ‘what are you waiting for?’ kind of way. I just smile and say, “when we feel ready to!” [heh: maybe never] and change the subject. It’s our lives. It won’t change how I or Awesome Husband feel - other than getting annoyed at societal constructs that shape certain expected narratives - no matter what relatives say. /shrug

2b) having said that, we HAVE actually talked about it privately. We’re not ready yet, but maybe in a couple years. We want some time to ourselves first, before we decide anything. But we bought this house with one eye vaguely on neighborhood and school districts and that, in some fuzzy nebulous not-ruled-out future; we’re in agreement that it’s only ever none or one kid, ever, for reasons both financial and practical as far as jobs requiring travel and school schedules and so on.

2c) Awesome Husband would be a great dad, honestly. He’s wonderful with kids. Much more patient than I am. I could teach it about medieval history and making up our own fairytales and how to play water polo; he can teach it about computers and how to speak Tagalog, and we’d make sure it knew about the joy of superheroes and that it could be any gender it wants, and that we’d always support it.

3) see above! I am in that age range between 30-35, as is Awesome Husband, so we’re not, like, ancient yet; we’ll decide in the next couple years, and we either will or we won’t, and that’ll be the choice that’s best for us, based on what we genuinely want from the life we’re shaping together. For many years, remember, I was in grad school; having a kid wouldn’t’ve made any sense financially or in terms of ability to focus on the PhD (for me/us, I mean; some people do it, and I applaud them! but we have to make choices for ourselves). And now, we want to be sure about what we really want from our life - what we value, what we’re contributing to the world, what we want to leave behind - and kids may or may not be one of the things we choose, and either way, it’ll be a choice we come to, not lightly, but after lots of mutual discussion and consideration. Which means that we won’t have regrets, either way - and I don’t mean we might not wonder about the other choice, the other life, from time to time. Of course we will. But we’ll have made a decision that we believe in. And so, while we might wonder, we won’t regret, if that makes sense, whichever way it goes.