#my first and last essay on tumblr probably

[korvessa]

It’s been 84 years since I said that someday I will write an essay about the difference of tavastia 1.0 and tavastia 2.0 hugs… well today’s the day! And not only tavastia hugs but ALL the nordic tour hugs because I love to overanalyze things!!

Tavastia 1.0

That’s a proper hug and Jere just clings on him and just… doesn’t want to let go of him. Bojan’s clearly more reserved here, he’s holding his lips tightly together (that’s so not the way Bojan smiles!) like he’s trying to hold himself back. Of course he can’t help himself and ruffles Jere’s hair. That hug is so tight tho and that look they give each other after means everything to me.

Tavastia 2.0

They hugged and touched and groubed each other like million times during tavastia 2.0 but let’s overanalyze this moment here.

Jere has just made his speech and hyped JO up and Bojan just goest to him and looks at him so softly and kinda disbelief. Then they make the eye contact and he makes that brilliant smile and just takes jere under his arm (and of course ruffles his hair VERY GENTLY cause he WILL Die if he doesn’t do that). He the says something which could be ”thank you man, thank you” or ”thank you man, love you” or ”love you man, thank you” idk. But whatever he says, that’s just for jere, he’s not using his mic. Then they very slowly let each other go, there’s some lingering. (Sidenote about Bojan during Jere’s speech, he really tries to stay at the back of the stage with the rest of the JO but he literally just can’t and he keeps walking foward where he can see Jere better or be beside him)

And the context to all of this is that they literally just met for the first time in three months and didn’t have much time to catch up before they had to go perform. And we all saw the cha cha cha, that beautiful chaos. It really was just two people trying to comprehend that they really were performing together.

Logomo, Turku

They are just happy to be together, to perform together. That’s pure happiness on Bojan’s face. That’s his Finland smile there!! They had already spent the previous night together (there was perfectly fine hotel to go Bojan??) and whole day together. They are already used to each other’s presence in the best way possible. Still can’t stop touching each other though, Jere casually just doing that tummy slap to Bojan and after that the second hug/kinda hug/whatever was so unnecessary! (Also ofc Bojan’s hand is in Jere’s hair again)

Olympia, Tampere

I might be biased cause I was there but I have never seen Bojan as happy as he was in tampere, from start to finish. Like he was radiating happiness. Just look at him, that’s his ”I’ve been around jere for three days 24/7” -smile. And he’s looks so relaxed, comfortable and free. (Also the way Jere just grabs by the back of Bojan’s neck and brings him to a hug… yea.) In that second gif Bojan’s literally standing there and just taking Jere’s hair/face/tit grouping with most content and smuggest face ever.

Summa summarum: I hate them. Also Bojan really went from shy, kinda reserved guy to a happiest, smiliest most touchy person ever seen in Finland

[demigod-of-the-agni]

Spider-Man India, but... where from India?

A SUPER long post featuring talks of: cultural identity, characterisation, the caste system, and what makes Spider-Man Spider-Man.

I’m prefacing this by saying that I am a second-generation immigrant. I was born in Australia, but my cultural background is from South India. My experiences with what it means to be “Indian” is going to be very different from the experiences of those who are born and brought up in India.

If you, reader, want to add anything, please reblog and add your thoughts. This is meant to be a post open for discussion — the more interaction we get, the better we become aware of these nuances.

So I made this poll asking folks to pick a region of India where I would draw Pavitr Prabhakar in their cultural wear. This idea had been on my mind for a long while now, as I had been inspired by Annie Hazarika’s Northeastern Spidey artwork in the wake of ATSV’s release, but never got the time to actually do it until now. I wanted to get a little interactive and made the poll so I could have people choose which of the different regions — North, Northeast, Central, East, West, South — to do first.

The outcome was not what I expected. As you can see, out of 83 votes:

THE RESULTS

South India takes up almost half of all votes (44.6%), followed by Northeast and Central (both 14.5%) and then East (13.3%). In all my life growing up, support towards or even just the awareness of South India was pretty low. Despite this being a very contained poll, why would nearly half of all voters pick South India in favour of other popular choices like Central or North India?

Then I thought about the layout of the poll: Title, Options, Context.

Title: "Tell us who you want to see…"

Options: North, Northeast, Central, East, West, South

Context: I want to make art of the boy again

At first I thought: ah geez. this is my fault. I didn't make the poll clear enough. do they think I want them to figure out where Pavitr came from? That's not what I wanted, maybe I should have added the context before the options.

Then I thought: ah geez. is it my fault for people not reading the entire damn thing before clicking a button? That's pretty stupid.

But regardless, the thought did prompt a line of thinking I know many of us desi folk have been considering since Spider-Man India was first conceived — or, at least, since the announcement that he was going to appear in ATSV. Hell, even I thought of it:

Where did Spider-Man India come from?

FROM A CULTURALLY DIVERSE INDIA

As we know, India is so culturally diverse, and no doubt ATSV creators had to take that into account. Because the ORIGINAL Spider-Man India came from Mumbai — most likely because Mumbai and Manhattan both started with the same letter.

But going beyond that, it’s also because Mumbai is one of the most recognisable cities in India - it’s also known as Bombay. It’s where Bollywood films are shot. It’s where superstar Hindi actors and actresses show up. Mumbai is synonymous with India in that regard, because the easiest way Western countries can interact with Indian culture is through BOLLYWOOD, through HINDI FILMS, through MUMBAI. Suddenly, India is Mumbai, India is a Hindi-only country, India is just this isolated thing we see through an infinitely narrow lens.

We’ve gotten a little better in recent years, but boy I will tell you how uncomfortable I’ve gotten when people (yes, even desi people) come up to me and tell me, Oh, you’re Indian right? Can you speak Hindi? Why don’t you speak Hindi? You’re not Indian if you don’t speak Hindi, that’s India’s national language!

I have been — still am — so afraid of telling people that I don’t speak Hindi, that I’m Tamil, that I don’t care that Hindi is India’s “national” language (it’s an administrative language, Kavin, get your fucking facts right). It’s weird, it’s isolating, and it has made me feel like I wasn’t “Indian” enough to be accepted into the group of “Indian” people.

So I am thankful that ATSV went out of their way to integrate as much variety of Indian culture into the Mumbattan sequence. Maybe that way, the younger generation of desi folk won’t feel so isolated, and that younger Western people will be more open to learning about all these cultural differences within such a vast country.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SPIDER-MAN INDIA?

Everything, actually. There’s a thing called supremacy. You might have heard of it. We all engaged with it at some point, and if you are Indian, no matter where you live, it is inescapable.

It happens the moment you are born — who your family is, where you are born, the language you speak, the colour of your skin; these will be bound to you for life, and it is nigh impossible to break down the stereotypes associated with them.

Certain ethnic groups will be more favourable than others (Centrals, and thus their cultures, will always be favoured over than Souths, as an example) and the same can be said for social groups (Brahmins are more likely to secure influential roles in politics or other areas like priesthood, while the lowers castes, especially Dalits, aren’t even given the decency of respect). Don’t even get me started on colourism, where obviously those of fairer skin will win the lottery while those of darker skin aren’t given the time of day. It’s even worse when morality ties into it — “lighter skinned Indians, like Brahmins, embody good qualities like justice and wisdom”, “dark skinned Indians are cunning and poor, they are untrustworthy”. It’s fucking nuts.

This means, of course, you have a billion people trying to make themselves heard in a system that tries to crush everyone who is not privileged. It only makes sense that people want to elevate themselves and break free from a society that refuses to acknowledge them. These frustrations manifest outwardly, like in protests, but other times — most times — it goes unheard, quietly shaping your way of life, your way of thinking. It becomes a fundamental part of you, and it can go unacknowledged for generations.

So when you have a character like Pavitr Prabhakar enter the scene, people immediately latch onto him and start asking questions many Western audiences don’t even consider. Who is he? What food does he eat? What does he do on Fridays? What’s his family like, his community? All these questions pop up, because, amidst all this turmoil going on in the background, you want a mainstream popular character to be like you, who knows your way of life so intimately, that he may as well be a part of your community.

BUT THAT'S THE THING — HE'S FICTIONAL

I am guilty of this. In fact, I’ve flaunted in numerous posts how I think he’s the perfect Tamil boy, how he dances bharatanatyam, how he does all these Tamil things that no one will understand except myself. All these niche things that only I, and maybe a few others, will understand.

I’ve seen other people do it, too. I’ve seen people geek out over his dark brown skin, his kalari dhoti, how he fights so effortlessly in the kalaripayattu martial arts style. I’ve seen people write him as Malayali, as Hindi, as every kind of Indian person imaginable.

I’ve also seen him be written where he’s subjected to typical Indian and broader Asian stereotypes. You know the ones I’m so fond of calling out. The thing is, I’ve seen so much of Pavitr being presented in so many different ways, and I worry how the rest of the desi folk will take it. 

You finally have a character who could be you, but now he’s someone else’s plaything. Your entire life is shaped by what you can and can’t do simply because you were born to an Indian family, and here’s the one person who could represent you now at the mercy of someone else’s whims. He’s off living a life that is so distant from yours, you can hardly recognise him.

It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, yeah? But, again, you’re looking at it from that infinitely narrow lens Westerners use to look at India from Bollywood.

AND PAVITR PRABHAKAR DOESN'T LIVE IN INDIA

He lives in Mumbattan. He lives in a made-up, fictional world that doesn’t follow the way of life of our world. He lives in a city where Mumbai and Manhattan got fucking squashed together. There are so many memes about colonialism right there. Mumbattan isn’t real! Spider-Man India isn’t real!! He’s just a dude!! The logic of our world doesn’t apply to him!!!

“But his surname originates from ______” okay but does that matter?

“But he’s wearing a kalari dhoti so surely he’s ______” okay but does that matter?

“But his skin colour is darker so he must be ______” okay but does that matter?

“But he lives in Mumbai so he must be ______” okay but does that matter?

I sound insensitive and brash and annoying and it looks like I’m yapping just for the sake of riling you up, so direct that little burst of anger you got there at me, and keep reading.

Listen. I’m going to ask you a question that I’ve asked myself a million times over. I want you to answer honestly. I want you to ask this question to yourself and answer honestly:

Are you trying to convince me on who Pavitr Prabhakar should be?

... but why shouldn't i?

I’ll tell you this again — I did the same thing. You’re not at fault for this, but I want you to just...have a little think over. Just a little moment of self-reflection, to think about why you are so intent on boxing this guy.

It took me a while to reorganise my thinking and how to best approach a character like Pavitr, so I will give you all the time you need as well as a little springboard to focus your thoughts on.

SPIDER-MAN (INDIA) IS JUST A MASK

“What I like about the costume is that anybody reading Spider-Man in any part of the world can imagine that they themselves are under the costume. And that’s a good thing.”

Stan Lee said that. Remember how he was so intent on making sure that everybody got the idea that Spider-Man as an entity is fundamentally broken without Peter Parker there to put on the suit and save the day? That ultimately it was the person beneath the mask, no matter who they were, that mattered most?

Spider-Man India is no less different. You can argue with me that Peter Parker!Spidey is supposed to represent working class struggles in the face of leering corporate entities who endanger the regular folk like us, and so Pavitr Prabhakar should also function the same way. Pavitr should also be a working class guy of this specific social standing fighting people of this other social standing.

But that takes away the authenticity of Spider-Man India. Looking at him through the Peter Parker lens forces you to look at him through the Western lens, and it significantly lessens what you can do with the character — suddenly, it’s a fight to be heard, to be seen, to be recognised. It’s yelling over each other that Pavitr Prabhakar is this ethnicity, is that caste, this or that, this or that, this or that.

There’s a reason why he’s called Spider-Man India, infuriatingly vague as it is. And that’s the point — the vagueness of his identity fulfils Lee’s purpose for a character that could theoretically be embodied by anyone. If he had been called “Spider-Man Mumbai”, you cut out a majority of the population (and in capitalist terms, you cut out a good chunk of the market).

And in the case of Spider-Man India? Whew — you’ve got about a billion people imagining a billion different versions of him.

Whoever you are, whatever you see in Pavitr, that is what is personal to you, and there is nothing wrong with that, and I will not fault you for it. I will not fault you for saying Pavitr is from Central due to the origins of his last name. I also will not fault you for saying Pavitr is from South due to him practising kalaripayattu. I also will not fault you for saying he is not Hindu. I also will not fault you for saying he is a particular ethnicity without any proof.

What I will fault you for is trying to convince me and the others around you that Pavitr Prabhakar should be this particular ethnicity/have this cultural background because of some specific reason. I literally don’t care and it is fundamentally going against his character, going against the “anyone can wear the mask” sentiment of Spider-Man. By doing this, you are strengthening the walls that first divided us. You’re feeding the stratification and segmentation of our cultures — something that is actually not present in the fictional world of Mumbattan.

Like I said before: Mumbattan isn’t real, so the divides between ethnicities and cultural backgrounds are practically nonexistent. The best thing is that it is visually there for all to see. My favourite piece of evidence is this:

It’s a marquee for a cinema in the Mumbattan sequence, in the “Quick tour: this is where the traffic is” section. It has four titles; the first two are written in Hindi. The third title is written in Bengali*, and the fourth title is written in Tamil. You go to Mumbai and you won’t see a single shred of Bengali nor Tamil there, much less any other language that's not common in Maharashtra (Western India). Seeing this for the first time, you know what went through my head?

Wow, the numerous cultures of India are so intermingled here in Mumbattan! Everyone and everything is welcome!

I was happy, not just because of Tamil representation, but because of the fact that the plethora of Indian cultures are showcased coexisting in such a short sequence. This is India embracing all the little parts that make up its grander identity. This scene literally opened my eyes seeing such beauty in all the diverse cultures thriving together. In a place where language and cultural backgrounds blend so easily, each one complementing one another.

It is so easy to believe that, from this colourful palette of a setting, Pavitr Prabhakar truly is Spider-Man India, no matter where he comes from.

It’s easy to believe that Pavitr can come from any part of India, and I won’t call you out if the origin you have for him is different from the origin I have. You don’t need to stake out territory and stand your ground — you’re entitled to that opinion, and I respect it. In fact, I encourage it!!!

Because there’s only so much you can show in a ten minute segment of a film about a country that has such a vast history and even greater number of cultures. I want to see all of it — I want him to be a Malayali boy, a Hindi boy, a Bengali boy, a Telugu boy, an Urdu boy, whatever!! I want you to write him or draw him immersed in your culture, so that I can see the beauty of your background, the wonderful little things that make your culture unique and different from mine!

And, as many friends have said, it’s so common for Indian folks to be migrating around within our own country. A person with a Maharashtrian surname might end up living in Punjab, and no one really minds that. I’m actually from Karnataka, my family speaks Kannada, but somewhere down the line my ancestors moved to Tamil Nadu and settled down and lived very fulfilling lives. So I don’t actually have the “pure Tamil” upbringing, contrary to popular belief; I’ve gotten a mix of both Kannada and Tamil lifestyles, and it’s made my life that much richer. 

So it’s common for people to “not” look like their surname, if that’s what you’re really afraid about. In fact, it just adds to that layer of nuance, that even despite these rigid identities between ethnicities we as Indian people still intermingle with one another, bringing slivers of our cultures to share with others. Pavitr could just as well have been born in one state and moved around the country, and he happens to live in Mumbattan now. It’s entirely possible and there’s nothing to disprove that.

We don’t need to clamber over one another declaring that only one ethnicity is the “right” ethnicity, because, again, you will be looking at Pavitr and the rest of India in that narrow Western lens — a country with such rich cultural variety reduced to a homogenous restrictive way of life.

THE POLL: REINTERPRETED

This whole thing started because I was wondering why my little poll was so skewed — I thought people assumed I was asking them where he came from, then paired his physical appearance with the most logical options available. I thought it was my fault, that I had somehow influenced this outcome without knowing.

Truth is, I will never really know. But I will be thankful for it, because it gave me the opportunity to finally broach this topic, something that many of us desi folk are hesitant to talk about. I hope you have learned something from this, whether you are desi or a casual Spider-Man fan or someone who just so happened to stumble upon this. 

So just…be a little more open. Recognise that India, like many many countries and nations, is made up of a plethora of smaller cultures. And remember, if you’re trying to convince Pavitr that he’s a particular ethnicity, he’s going to wave his hand at you and say, “Ha, me? No, I’m one of the people that live here in the best Indian city! I’m Spider-Man India, dost!”

(Regardless, he still considers you a friend, because to him, the people matter more to him than you trying to box him into something he’s not.)

*Note: thank you dear anon for letting me know that the third title was Bengali, twas my mistake for literally completely forgetting

[crucible-memes-4-salem-teens]

putnam: i came out here to attack people and i'm honestly having such a good time right now

[carolinanadeau]

Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)

I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.

Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.

I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:

In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).  

I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)

Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.

...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??  

Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.

This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)

So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.

Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.

And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability".  And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.

and that's what you missed on Glee!

[chubsonthemoon]

Last Binderary book is DONE!!!! This is the incredible Maybe sprout wings, by @moorishflower.

This post is going to be a doozy, so gonna just skip straight to the cut!

INTERIOR

INTRODUCTION

I really wanted to model this bind after my own copy of the Odyssey, (which is all highlighted and bookmarked and annotated to hell from my Great Text courses in undergrad ehe, so this bind was such a fun trip down memory lane!). But beyond just the cover/general aesthetic, I also wanted to give the book a similar feel to these kinds of editions of classics--there's usually an introduction, translation notes, and other supplementary materials, right? Like, a physical manifestation of the work of many, many people, all having conversations with one another across time and space.

So that's what I did! I wrote a short introduction (I will also probably post it to my AO3/my blog as well, in the name of preservation etc. etc.) and began reaching out to folks in the fandom who I knew had created art and meta for the fic. The result? 18k words of analysis, comments, and meta, and nearly twenty pages of art!

And this is what I love most about this bind, I think! This book is the work of several people--truly a collaborative work by the fandom--all of whom I will now be shamelessly calling out below :D

CHAPTER HEADER ART

First and foremost, this book would not be what it is without the gorgeous header art by @fancy-rock-dove! Thank you so much Dove for letting include your work, and for being so supportive and kind these past few weeks about this bind <3 You in particular have contributed so much to this book (which I will be getting more into in the next section ehe), and I'm so psyched I get to hold your art and words, too!

NOTES ON THE TEXT

This section was divided into four parts: Asks and Answers, Meta, Selected Comments, and Chapter Heading Art: Process

For Asks and Answers, I trawled Heather's blog for meta she had written in response to questions and other meta about the fic. Asks came from @fancy-rock-dove, @quillingwords, @kulapti, and myself! (I THINK I got all of them--tumblr's search function is finnicky even on its best days, so so sorry if I missed something T_T) I first got hooked into reading this fic because of one of these asks, so I'm very fond of this section in particular :D

For Meta, I included two wonderful essays written by @pastrypuppy (also known as @kulapti) about Hob as an author figure and the Disrupted Fisher King narrative in MSW. Her analyses were so fascinating and I just had to include them in the book! (And thank you as well for your permission, friend!) (also hello fellow Renegade comrade 🫡)

For Selected Comments, I owe everything to (once again :3) @fancy-rock-dove, whose insights are the epitome of transformative fandom at work. I'd look for their comments after I read every chapter to see what their takes were on this or that element of the story, and every single time I would go "!!!!! I didn't even realize!!!" or "OOOOOOOH I hadn't thought of that!!" It was like being in a lecture hall and always whipping your head around when one of your classmates raised their hand, because you knew they were going to say something fascinating that you hadn't considered before.

Aside from one of my own comments, Dove's comments make up the entirety of this section (for which I owe you my life--your long-form responses to fics are a gift to this world) but GOSH was it also so much fun going through the comments section while typesetting and seeing all the keyboard smashing, yelling, and crying from the other commenters. Communal nature of storytelling and ongoing meaning-making of fanfiction, babey!

And finally for Chapter Heading Art: Process: once again Dove coming in clutch with some wonderful insights into the design of each of the chapter heading art pieces! This kind of stuff is honestly my favorite: meta about art for a fic which is, in turn, a transformation of an existing story (not even to mention that The Sandman is its own kind of fanfiction of existing mythologies and histories)--I just!! Think it's all really, really neat :'D (for more coherent/polished thoughts on this pls see my introduction asjdfkls)

ART

The art gallery!!! A million thanks to @fishfingersandscarves, @honeyseller, @jazzpsych, @doctor-rainbowfoxey, and (HI AGAIN DOVE) @fancy-rock-dove for granting me permission to include all of your beautiful pieces!

As usual for artworks in my binds, I printed each piece out on specialty photo paper to really make the colors pop, then sewed each page separately to the text block! Behold, everyone's beautiful beautiful pieces!

The art gallery also satisfies the certain "oooh shiny" part of my brain that always activates when I see pictures in a book, so am also very fond of this section :3

CONSTRUCTION

And now on to the nitty gritty stuff! I used the German Bradel binding technique again, my second time using it. Even though it's more complicated than the case bind, I really love how it gives you the full board space for the cover designs (~it's free real estate~). Keep it a secret but I kiiiiiiind of made a small goof in the last few steps (I did the turn-ins a step too early and so had to paste an extra sheet of cardstock to secure the spine to the boards, whoopsie), but it's a pretty small difference, aesthetically speaking, so it wasn't the end of the world XD

Edges are once again fake gilded, but this time I tried something new with the colors! I did two layers of acrylic paint--one watered down shade of red for the base, then one metallic gold on top of that. I really like the red/gold effect! I'll have to keep experimenting with this kind of layering:

ALSO. Y'ALL! I think I'm finally getting the hang of endbands!!! Many thanks to the folks at Renegade who hosted all the endband workshops last month--I'm still working through them, but even the few sessions I've seen have been TREMENDOUSLY helpful. I learned that tension is Very Important, as well as thread thickness, so I tried doubling my thread and keeping a Very Close Eye on how I was holding the threads while doing the beads. And behold! I still have a ways to go (and one day I would LOVE to do the fancier designs), but I'm v happy with the progress I've made so far!

And finally the covers!! ARCHIVAL MOD PODGE MY BELOVED. I printed on the same matte presentation paper that I used for the art, then did several coats of archival matte mod podge + a pass of gloss mod podge over the title strip to make it ~shiny~. Then once those had dried and I'd adhered them to the boards, I sprayed two layers of matte clear acrylic sealer (also mod podge!) to finish it off. I had some issues with the paper tearing when I handled it before it was fully dry, but luckily the blemishes were small enough that it was easy to do spot corrections with my black acrylic paint. And now I know to be more patient next time LOL

(some non-photoshoot shots that show the shine a little better!)

FINAL THOUGHTS

I had a lot of thoughts while I was binding this book--about Sandman fandom, about Dreamling fandom, about the Odyssey, about storytelling, about fanbinding, about Binderary, about Renegade, about my friends--but really what came to mind the most was gratitude!

Simply put, I'm so grateful to everyone I've met both in this fandom and throughout the years I've been active online--this is SO fun, y'all. It's so much fun to love stories together--to talk about them, to write them, and of course to bind them! I hope I've adequately conveyed that gratitude.

But of course, this book would not exist without the wonderful words of @moorishflower. Heather, thank you so, SO much for sharing your stories, thoughts, and time with us--it is always a happier, better day when I get an email notif from you and when I see you on my dash. I love your work so much, and I'm so happy I finally get to put it on my shelf! So thank you so much again, for everything <3

and OKAY THAT'S IT FROM ME FOLKS!!!!! Binderary 2023 is officially a wrap! I had SUCH a blast--will probably write up a reflection post on it uhhhh after I take a very long nap ajslkdfjslk _(:3」∠)_

all my love! <3

[genshinluvr]

Attached to the Hips

Pairings: Various Genshin Men x Isekai'd!Reader

Summary: You thought you were a clingy lover until these men came into your life. You and the men are attached to the hip, and they will follow you everywhere you go.

Note: Finals week is approaching and I'm debating whether I should write a shorter fic for that week or not. I have essays to type out and over fifty terms to study for Greek and Latin. As someone with terrible memory, I'm going to need to rewrite those terms and go review them over and over until I remember most of it. So, next week's Genshin fic will probably be a mini-fic and the fic I'll be writing during my finals week will probably be around 5k words or less. It depends, really. I don't post anywhere else but on Tumblr (Genshinluvr) and on AO3 (Aaliah_exo).

Warnings: None that I know of 🤔

Word Count: 7.9k

You’re a clingy lover, and you’re not ashamed of being one. Despite being a clingy lover, that doesn’t mean you don’t respect your boyfriends’ boundaries, nor do you cling to them in public like a sticker. You can give them space and not have to be attached to their hips 24/7. Now, you thought you were the clingiest person in the relationship, but these twenty-five men proved you wrong.

The first thing you feel when you wake up in bed is that it’s really hot. Your bedroom is cold, but for some reason, your body feels uncomfortably hot. So you kicked your blanket mountain off your body, watching the blankets roll off your bed. You turn to your side, only to see Childe clinging to you while smiling at you sleepily. Archons, he looks so cute with his bedhead. But why is he in your bedroom?

You stare at Childe and blink at him sleepily. “Childe, why are you in my room?” You ask, voice raspy from the lack of use. 

Childe doesn’t reply and scoots closer to you, pressing his cheek against yours with a sigh of contentment. “Good morning, snookums! I hope you slept well last night! Well, you didn’t need to tell me since you were snoring and drooling all over your pillow,” Childe snickers.

Your face heats up after hearing Childe’s response. Childe reaches over and wipes the stream of semi-dried drool from the corner of your lips and on your cheek. You swat Childe’s hands away from your face before sitting up, bringing the ginger with you. Childe continues to have his arms wrapped around your body, resting his cheek on your head.

“Were you in my room all night? You still have a bedhead,” you say, looking at him from the corner of your eyes.

Childe shakes his head. “Not all night! I crawled into your bed in the middle of the night, actually!” Childe replies.

“Yeah, well, you need to let me go so I can go to the bathroom to get ready for the day,” you say, trying to pry Childe’s arm off you.

Childe frowns and shakes his head, tightening his grip around you. After a few minutes of struggling to pry him off, you let your arms fall to your side with a sigh of defeat. Childe grins with victory before resting his head on your shoulders, nuzzling into your neck. You end up brushing your teeth with Childe by your side, his arms wrapping around your waist while his chest is pressing up against your back. 

“Don’t forget to brush your teeth, Childe. You don’t want to walk around the estate with smelly breath, now, do you?” You tease after rinsing your mouth.

Childe quickly releases you from his clutch before covering his mouth and checking his breath. Childe clears his throat and looks away, his cheeks flushing red. You snort and squat to the sink cabinet and pull out an extra toothbrush for Childe to use. Since Childe refuses to leave you alone, you might as well let him use the spare toothbrush. Childe gives you a grateful smile before grabbing the toothpaste to start brushing his teeth.

You weren’t surprised that Childe is clingy when it comes to you. Childe was immediately attached to you by the hips since day one of your being in Teyvat. Plus, he was also the first one to greet you and make you feel welcome. While Childe is brushing his teeth, you take that chance and leave the bathroom to return to your bedroom.

That’s when you see Itto standing there with his hands on his hips with a wide smile on his face. “Good morning, onikabuto booboo bear! I hope you slept well!” Itto says, skipping up to you before throwing his arms around your shoulders and planting a big kiss on your cheek.

You smile and turn your head to kiss his cheek in return while rubbing his back. You release Itto, but the Oni continues to keep his arms around your waist. You sigh and shake your head, fighting back a smile. Right, how could you forget about Itto being the second clingiest person next to Childe? Then again, your twenty-five boyfriends are clingy in their own way, and you’re not complaining one bit. Unless it’s sweltering outside and you and whichever man are sweating, making your skin stick to each other.

“You’re awfully clingy today,” you comment, running your fingers through Itto’s hair.

Itto hums and kisses your cheek again. “I saw that Childe’s room was empty, and I knew he would be with you. So, I decided to come over to check, and I was right!” Itto says, pointing an accusing finger at Childe, who just stepped out of your bathroom.

You playfully roll your eyes and gesture for the two men to follow you downstairs for breakfast. Childe grabs Itto by the hair and pulls Itto off you; Itto yelps in pain and glares at Childe, who smirks in response. You cross your arms over your chest, staring at the two men before you while tapping your foot on the ground. It’s way too early to deal with Childe and Itto fighting over you. You would think you’d get used to it by now, but every day is something new. 

“Boys, please, it’s eight in the morning. Can we please go downstairs and get something to eat for breakfast? I’m hungry,” you sigh.

Childe and Itto quickly fix their composure before standing at your side, looping their arms around yours while glaring at each other over your head. You shake your head and walk out of your bedroom with Itto and Childe by your side.

As you, Childe, and Itto get to the last step on the staircase, you hear one of the men call out from where they’re sitting.

“And there they are! Finally awake and clinging to [Y/N]’s side, as per usual!” Heizou announces dramatically. “Must be nice to wake up to two men already needing attention from [Y/N]. How does it feel, [Y/N]?” Heizou looks at you curiously.

You roll your eyes and unloop your arms from Itto and Childe’s arms. “You know, I would agree, but dealing with their bickering at eight in the morning is something you don’t want to deal with,” you reply, sitting across from Tighnari.

Aether snorts and shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be surprised that Itto and Childe are already clinging to [Y/N] at eight in the morning,” says Aether, cutting his pancakes before shoving the slice of pancake into his mouth. “But for some reason, I am.” 

Childe and Itto shoot glares at one another before parting ways to sit at their respective seats at the dining table. You begin digging into your breakfast, humming with delight the minute food touches your tongue. Cyno reaches over and wipes the corner of your mouth with a cloth napkin, the corners of his lips curving upward.

“You’re quite hungry, aren’t you?” Cyno asks, resting his arm on the table.

You nod. “Oh, I am. I have never woken up so hungry before until today.” You reply.

Cyno scoots his chair closer to you while you continue to dig into your food, not realizing the lack of distance between your and Cyno’s seats. However, the other men stopped eating and stared at Cyno. Kaveh clears his throat and casually scoots closer to you, practically sandwiching you between him and Cyno. 

Kaveh notices Al Haitham’s eye twitching at the sight of him sitting close to you. Kaveh smirks and turns to look at you, propping his left arm on the table before tapping you on the shoulder. You hold up your index finger, telling Kaveh to give you a moment. You reach for the cloth napkin and wipe your mouth before looking over in Kaveh’s direction.

“Yes?” You say, swallowing your breakfast with the napkin still covering your lips.

Kaveh smiles at you and strokes your cheek, tucking your hair behind your ear after. You stare at Kaveh, confused about what he’s up to. Kaveh leans down and presses a big kiss on your cheek before turning to look at the other men—mainly Al Haitham, with a shit-eating grin on his face.

You nudge Kaveh to get his attention. Kaveh looks at you and rests his head on his bicep, giving you the softest smile you’ve seen today. You feel your face turn hot before looking at the plate in front of you. Kaveh reaches for your face, grabs you by the chin, and makes you look at him.

“Do you know how happy you make me?” Kaveh asks, squeezing your chin lightly.

You clear your throat. “I’m surprised you haven’t called me an Abyss mage yet,” you say, grabbing the hand that was squeezing your chin.

Kaveh snorts before interlocking his fingers with yours, giving your hand a squeeze. “You’re the cutest Abyss mage to have existed. I bet if you were to be an Abyss mage, you’d be the fluffiest one of all,” Kaveh says, grinning at you.

Cyno snorts and rolls his eyes. “I would take that as an offense if I were you. Abyss mages are annoying creatures,” Cyno says nonchalantly before taking a sip of his water.

You look at Cyno with your mouth agape before turning to look at Kaveh. “Does that mean I’m as annoying as those Abyss mages?” you ask.

Kaveh makes a ‘so-so’ gesture in response. Your face scrunches up before you pull your hand out from Kaveh’s grasp, continuing to eat your breakfast. Once you finished your breakfast, you got up from your seat to go wash your dishes. When you disappear into the kitchen, Al Haitham starts giving Kaveh an earful while Tighnari tells Cyno off for saying that Abyss mages are annoying creatures.

“I mean, Cyno’s not wrong. The hydro and cryo ones are the most annoying,” Dottore comments, wiping his lips with the cloth napkin.

Tighnari sighs and glares at Dottore. “Even if that’s the case, it’s like Cyno is implying that [Y/N] is as annoying as the Abyss mages,” replies Tighnari, rubbing his temples with a sigh. “You better apologize to [Y/N] later, mister!” Tighnari says, pointing an accusing finger at the Mahamatra.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, while you’re scrubbing the stubborn stains on the plate, you feel someone wrap their arms around your waist. You turn your head to see Thoma standing behind you while smiling at you. You smile at Thoma in return before continuing where you left off.

“This thing is so annoying. I don’t get how you don’t get frustrated with these stains sometimes,” you mutter, scrubbing the dried food spot with vigor. 

Thoma plants a kiss on the side of your neck before reaching for the sponge in your hand. At least, that’s what you assumed Thoma was going to do, but in reality, he places his hand over yours to show you how to properly get the stain off the dish. It wasn’t doing anything. You knew Thoma wanted to hold your hand and be close to you like the others. Not that you’re complaining and are against it, really. But you would prefer Thoma to do it when your hands aren’t submerged in water.

“I love being close to you. Did you know that?” Thoma murmurs against your neck, sending shivers down your spine.

You lean into Thoma’s touch and turn around to face him. “I didn’t know that, actually! Wanna show me?” You tease, wiping your hand on the sink cloth.

Thoma dries his hand on the rag before tilting your head up and pressing his lips against yours, wrapping one arm around your waist to pull you closer to him. You grab Thoma by the collar of his shirt and pull him closer to you to the point where there’s no space between your bodies. The kitchen door creaking open forces you and Thoma apart, looking at the person who’s standing at the kitchen entrance.

“Oh! Hey, Dottore, what are you doing here?” Thoma asks, rubbing the back of his neck as heat rushes to his face.

Dottore narrows his eyes at Thoma before walking to the sink and putting his bowl in the sink. After he puts his bowl into the sink, Dottore turns to look at you and Thoma, feigning a disapproving look while crossing his arms over his chest.

Dottore chuckles. “Don’t you two think it’s a bit too early to be showing that much public display of affection in the kitchen of the estate? Anyone can walk in on you two at any moment aside from myself, of course,” Dottore says, sighing dramatically. 

You snort and give Dottore a cheeky grin. “You wish you were in Thoma’s spot, huh?” You tease, sticking your tongue out at him.

Dottore narrows his eyes at you underneath his mask before squeezing your nose hard. You groan and swat at his hands. You rub your nose and mumble incoherent words to yourself. While you hate to admit it, it was your fault for teasing Dottore that way. Maybe next time, you’ll make it worse for yourself by not letting the man get close to you until he apologizes (after you reluctantly apologize to Dottore for teasing him). Thoma glares at Dottore and walks you out of the kitchen, leaving Dottore behind. 

Usually, after breakfast, you would get ready for school. But since you’re on summer break, you have decided to job shadow your beloved boyfriends! If they’re okay with it, and it seems like most of them are okay with it, aside from the Harbingers. Which is understandable because they don’t want you to witness the things they do as Harbingers, and quite frankly, you’re okay with that!

You’re sitting in Diluc’s office at Dawn Winery, watching the man fill out paperwork and organize his desk. You didn’t have a task assigned by Diluc. The only thing he told you to do is just sit back and relax. Which is something you’re trying to do, but you can’t help but admire the way he looks while he’s working. Diluc’s fiery red hair is pulled back into a high ponytail, his coat is draped over his leather seat, and the sleeves of his button-up shirt are rolled to his elbows while he’s signing a few documents for the winery. 

A strand of red hair falls over his eyes, causing him to stop writing on the paper. Diluc stares at the strand of hair for a minute before blowing it away from his face. You hug a cushion to your chest and continue to stare at the redhead. The pen scratching against the document stops, and he looks up, the two of you making eye contact. You quickly look away, acting like you weren’t staring at him just a few seconds ago.

Diluc places his pen on the table before getting up from his seat. Your eyes widen as he walks in your direction, completely abandoning the documents that need his attention. Diluc stops before you, his legs brushing against yours as he reaches for your face, grabs you by your chin, and turns your head so you can look at him.

When Diluc turns your head to face his direction, your eyes wander somewhere else. Diluc sighs and bends down so his face can be in front of yours. You squeeze your eyes shut, fighting back the shit-eating grin that is making its way up your face. You feel a sharp pinch on your cheek, making you groan and crack your eyes open to see an unamused Diluc staring down at you. You rub the now throbbing area on your cheek, pouting to yourself. A faint smile appears on Diluc’s face before he caresses your cheek, stroking the jutting lip with his thumb. 

“Why are you pouting at me, hmm?” Diluc murmurs, raising an eyebrow at you.

You move your face out of Diluc’s grasp and rest your head on the cushion you’re holding against your chest. “You know why,” you mumble.

Diluc shakes his head, an amused smile appearing. “No, no, I don’t know why you’re pouting at me,” replies Diluc.

You and Diluc continue to have a staring contest with each other. Diluc keeps looking down at your pouty lips, squinting at them. “If you continue to pout like that, I’m going to kiss your pout away.”

You look at Diluc with wide eyes before pressing your lips in a thin line. Diluc snorts and leans in, pressing his lips against yours. You wanted to resist so bad, but you loved the feeling of Diluc’s lips against yours. Technically, you love feeling your lips press against the other men’s lips too, but Diluc has the softest lips out of all the men. 

You don’t know how long you and Diluc have been kissing, but the kiss was interrupted by the door to Diluc’s office opening. Diluc quickly breaks the kiss and turns to see who has entered the room, only to see that the person stepping into the office is none other than Kaeya. Diluc huffs and gets off the ground, walking back to his desk.

Kaeya chuckles, shaking his head. “My, my, distracted from your duties, are we?” asks Kaeya, raising his eyebrows at Diluc.

You speak up, “Hey! He was taking a much-needed break from work!” 

Kaeya turns to you before strutting over in your direction. Kaeya stops in front of you and pulls you up from your seat. Kaeya strokes your cheek and smiles, kissing your forehead. You blink at Kaeya, then peek over at Diluc, who is silently fuming that his brother ruined the moment between you and him. 

“And what you’re doing is considered a break for Master Diluc?” Kaeya teases, lightly booping your nose.

You nod robotically, making Kaeya chuckle. Without thinking, you wrap your arms around Kaeya’s waist and bury your face into Kaeya’s chest. Kaeya wraps his arms around your shoulders and looks at Diluc from over his shoulders with a smug smirk on his face. Diluc narrows his eyes at Kaeya before walking toward the two of you. 

Your voice is muffled against Kaeya’s chest, “My dream is to be sandwiched between Kaeya Alberich and Diluc Ragnvindr. I call it the fire and ice combo.” You look up at Kaeya, who laughs while cupping your cheeks, backing you up against someone.

You freeze in Kaeya’s arms and slowly tilt your head back as far it can go, only to make eye contact with an unamused upside-down Diluc. You blink at the redhead before quickly turning to look at Diluc, only to make yourself dizzy and stumble a bit. Diluc and Kaeya grasp one of your arms and steadies you.

“Anyway! Uh, Kaeya! What are you doing here at Dawn Winery?” You ask.

Kaeya opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by a knock coming from the door. The door cracks open, and Adelinde peeks her head into the room. Diluc takes a step from you before gesturing for Adelinde to enter. She gives Diluc a small smile before entering with a document in her hand. 

Adelinde clears her throat. “Apologies for interrupting your… conversation. You have another document to sign, Master Diluc,” Adelinde says.

Diluc’s ears turn red after hearing Adelinde’s comment. Diluc takes the envelope that contains the document from Adelinde’s hand before dismissing her. After Adelinde exits Diluc’s office, Diluc tosses the envelope on the table before turning to look at you and Kaeya.

Kaeya sighs before turning to you. “I guess this is my cue to leave. I do have some business to tend to at the Knights of Favonious headquarters,” says Kaeya.

You nod. “Okay! I’ll see you later back at the estate!” You say, waving to him as he’s about to leave.

Kaeya leans down and presses a brief kiss on your lips before exiting the office after nodding to Diluc on his way out. After the door closes behind Kaeya, Diluc sits in the leather chair at his desk, running his hands through his hair as he looks at the documents. You walk over to Diluc and wrap your arms around his shoulders, resting your chin on his shoulders while Diluc begins to sign each paper laid out in front of him.

Just when you thought you were going to get the sandwich you wanted, you thought wrong. Maybe next time won’t hurt if there aren’t any distractions or responsibilities that get in the way. You and the men are attached to the hip in many ways. Aside from you clinging to the men or the men clinging to you, they have subtle ways to show affection. Others, not so much— Childe and Itto are clear examples. They’ll proudly show how clingy they are with you by latching themselves to your side. Long story short, these men will try to find ways to be with you if they get the chance.

Venti is hugging your arms while you, Venti, and Zhongli are walking through Liyue Harbor to buy some groceries. It was fifteen minutes after having lunch with the two Archons, and Venti suggested making some Liyuen dish for dinner. You have frequently visited the markets in Liyue with Zhongli so often that people are used to seeing you and Zhongli together. Of course, they didn’t really bat an eye when they saw Venti clinging to you. Seeing you with each man was the norm now since they knew how clingy those men were.

“And that is how I almost died!” Venti concludes, grinning almost too widely for someone who was telling a lengthy story about the time Zhongli threw boulders at him.

Zhongli rolls his eyes, holding onto your hand as the three of you walk around the Harbor, going to the next market for ingredients. “Oh, please, Barbatos. You didn’t almost die,” Zhongli murmurs, his eyes scanning the nearby vendors. 

“Oh? And what happened to me then, blockhead? Care to explain to our precious [Y/N] what happened the day you nearly killed me?” Venti asks, giving Zhongli a teasing smile.

Zhongli lets out a soft ‘ugh’ while ignoring the bard’s teasing smile. You give Zhongli’s hand a squeeze along with a reassuring smile.

It wasn’t out of the ordinary for you to go shopping around Liyue Harbor with Zhongli. The men accompanying you while you’re shopping in different regions vary. Zhongli mainly keeps you company while you shop around the market. Sometimes, Childe would keep you two company, or Xiao would tag along when he had time. 

In Mondstadt, it would be Venti or Albedo that would tag along with you while you’re out buying something at the markets. If those two can’t tag along, then it would be Kaeya and Diluc if Diluc wasn’t busy with paperwork and signing documents. In Inazuma, Thoma is the obvious person that is by your side while you’re out in the City. If Thoma has duties to tend to at the Kamisato Estate, then Itto, Gorou, and Heizou will tag along with you and help you decide what to buy. 

And if you’re in Sumeru, Tighnari, and Kaveh are the ones that will tag along with you. You wouldn’t mind having Al Haitham, and Cyno keep the three of you company, but Kaveh and Al Haitham would bicker with each other while Tighnari is growing gray hairs from Cyno’s constant jokes. 

You look at the apples on the stands, tapping on your chin. “Zhongli, do you think we should buy apples?” You ask, turning to look at Zhongli, only to see that the spot beside you is empty.

You blink and search around for the former Geo Archon, only to no avail. Venti taps your shoulders to grab your attention before pointing at the stand ten feet from where you and Venti are standing. Zhongli’s standing at some booth, chatting with the vendor while looking at the items on display. Oh no. 

You walk away from the fruit stand, dragging Venti with you. “We need to put a bell on Zhongli. We can’t have him wander off without our knowledge,” you say.

“I think you mean a leash because a bell won’t do anything, Windblume,” Venti comments.

The closer you and Venti approached Zhongli and the vendor, the more you dread to see what Zhongli is planning on buying. Zhongli will purchase anything that catches his eye, and he wouldn’t check to see what the price is, no matter what object it is. Then again, that applies to you too, but you’re not as bad as Zhongli.

You tap Zhongli’s shoulders, grabbing the dark brown-haired man’s attention. “Zhongli! I look away for three minutes, and you wandered off this far already?” You ask, propping your hands on your hips.

Zhongli smiles at you and pulls you into his arms, pressing a kiss on your head. “Apologies, dearest, but this vendor caught my attention. I couldn’t help but admire the items on display,” says Zhongli, gesturing to the small accessories on display. 

You look at the items in front of you, and now that you got a clear look at what Zhongli is looking at, you wonder why these items caught his eyes. They’re beautiful hair sticks made of the finest materials with intricate designs. Zhongli doesn’t wear hair sticks, and neither do you. The only person you can think of that wears hair sticks would be Baizhu. But you don’t think Zhongli is buying it for Baizhu unless he (or Baizhu) states it.

You poke Zhongli. “You’re not going to buy these hair sticks, are you? They look… expensive,” you whisper to Zhongli, making sure the vendor doesn’t hear what you say.

Zhongli hums, his eyes wandering over to a particular hair stick that stood out from the rest. “No worries, dearest. I don’t plan on spending Mora at the market today,” Zhongli reassures you, kissing your head once more.

You nod, satisfied with Zhongli’s response, while Venti eyes Zhongli suspiciously. “Good! Now, let’s return to the last stand because I need your opinions on the apples!” You say, gesturing for Zhongli to follow you and Venti.

You and Venti begin walking to the fruit stand, and Zhongli and the vendor make a quick trade before Zhongli follows you and Venti, pocketing the small gift bag that contains the hair sticks. When you’re dating twenty-five people, there’s no privacy, and you’re never alone. You don’t mind it since you’ve gotten used to it. Imagine being another person and stepping into the living room of the estate, only to see you sitting on the couch with other men crowding around you. You’re sitting on one of the men’s lap. Two men are resting their heads on one of your thighs while the others are sitting around you. It’s definitely a sight to see. 

“This is an interesting sight to walk into.” Pantalone chuckles, leaning against the doorway.

You look up from your book and wave at Pantalone while the men around you stare blankly at Pantalone. Pantalone smiles and waves in return before walking into the living room, eyeing the men sprawling around you. Recently, you and the men have bought new furniture for the living room at the estate, and the new furniture is an oversized couch that can be made into a bed. There are small ottomans that can be pushed together against the sofa, making it into a large bed.  

“So, what are you all up to?” asks Pantalone, kneeling on the edge of the couch.

You hold the book up for Pantalone to see. “I’m reading! The others are keeping me company, and they want me to read to them out loud,” you reply, patting each person’s head.

Dainsleif reaches for your hands and laces his fingers with yours. You give Dainsleif’s hand a squeeze while Dainslief pulls your hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss on your knuckles. 

“Do you want to continue reading, or do you want to stop for today?” Dainsleif asks, tilting his head back on your thigh. “It’s entirely up to you.”

You hum and lean back against Scaramouche’s chest, closing your eyes while Scaramouche runs his fingers through your hair. You have been sitting on the couch for a few hours now, and it would be nice to get up and stretch your legs. But you’re so comfortable on the couch with Scaramouche running his fingers through your hair while the men are scattered around you on the large sofa.

“I do need to stretch my legs. It’s been a while since I’ve stood up, but….” You trailed off, placing the book on the armrest of the couch and biting the inside of your cheek.

Scaramouche leans to the side to get a better look at your face, raising his eyebrows at you. “But what?” asks Scaramouche, continuing to run his fingers through your hair. “Do you want to get off the comfortable couch and stretch your legs or continue to sit on my lap while I run my  fingers through your hair?” 

You’re starting to feel numb from the waist down. No matter how comfortable you were feeling a few seconds ago, the numbness is starting to kick in, and you need to get up from the couch to walk around to get the blood circulating in your legs. You look at Scaramouche and give him a smile, patting his cheek lightly. 

“I’m getting up from the couch. As much as I would love to stay on the couch, I need blood circulating in my legs because they’re starting to become numb, and my butt is a little sore from sitting on your lap for a while,” you say, slowly getting up from the couch.

Xiao and Kazuha quickly rush to your side when you get off the couch. Both men grab one of your arms and steady you while you stretch your legs to get circulation back into your legs. You give Kazuha and Xiao a grateful smile, kissing their cheeks while continuing to kick your legs forward.

“Maybe you should walk around to get the blood flowing. I don’t think standing up is going to do much,” Kazuha suggests. “After all, not only were you sitting for a while, but there were people lying on your legs too.” 

You nod and gesture for the two men to start walking with you. You’re planning on walking inside the estate, but Xiao and Kazuha have different things in mind. They made you step outside of the estate for fresh air because, like they said, you were cooped up in the estate all day and had yet to leave the mansion.

“Do I have to walk outside of the estate?” You ask, slipping your sandals on while Xiao and Kazuha watch you mumble about wanting to stay indoors. 

Xiao crosses his arms over his chest. “You don’t have to walk outside of the estate, but you need fresh air. What is that saying again?” Xiao asks, stroking his chin, and looks at Kazuha, who shrugs his shoulders.

Baizhu leans against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. “I believe the term is ‘touch grass’?” Baizhu comments, raising his eyebrows. “If that’s the saying you were implying, of course.”

“Ah, yes, that’s what I was implying. Thank you, Doctor Baizhu,” Xiao says, nodding to the green-haired man.

You huff and reach for the door handle of the estate. “I can’t believe I was told to touch some grass by my boyfriends,” you mumble, opening the door and stepping out of the mansion with Xiao and Kazuha at your side. And thus, your journey to touching grass begins with your beloved boyfriends at your side every step of the way. Not only because they wanted to be supportive and be at your side at all times, but it’s also because they didn’t want to be far from you for too long—unless they were working.

A few days later, Lumine invited you to grab some lunch with her in Sumeru, and who were you to turn down the offer? You’re sitting across from Lumine, devouring your food while Lumine stares at you, her mouth agape.

You stop eating, wipe your mouth with the napkin and tilt your head to the side while looking at Lumine quizzically. “Lumine? You’re not going to eat?” You ask.

Lumine snaps out of her thoughts and gives you a small smile. “I, uh, I was distracted…” Lumine trails off, blinking at you.

You furrow your eyebrows. “What do you mean? Was I eating too fast?” You ask, reaching for the butter chicken.

The blonde girl shakes her head, clearing her throat. “No, no, I wasn’t distracted by you eating fast, [Y/N]. But….” Lumine trails off, tapping her fingers on the table.

You raise your eyebrows at Lumine. “But…?” 

Lumine gestures around you, taking a bite of the butter chicken. “You weren’t kidding when you said that you and your boyfriends are attached to the hip,” Lumine comments, licking her lips.

You blink at Lumine before looking around you. You completely forgot that the men tagged along with you to your lunch with Lumine. You’re so used to having the men tag along with you that it didn’t feel out of the ordinary. You look at the men sitting beside you, sipping on their drinks while eating the desserts. You smile at Lumine, rubbing the back of your neck.

“We are, aren’t we? To be honest, I didn’t realize they were with us until you pointed them out,” you say, turning to look at your boyfriends, who are happily snacking on the desserts the waiter would put on the table. 

Lumine blinks at you, grabbing her cup and taking a sip of her coffee. “They’ve been looming over you like those ominous clouds before heavy rain and thunder. I’m surprised you didn’t notice their presence until now,” Lumine says, resting one arm on the table while swirling her cup of coffee with the other. Lumine raises her eyebrows at Aether, who’s busy stuffing his face with Padisarah Pudding. Aether stops what he’s doing and stares back at Lumine, his cheeks stuffed with Padisarah Pudding— reminding you of a chipmunk with cheeks stuffed with nuts. You snicker and grab your napkin, wiping the corner of his lips before patting his head happily. 

Albedo tucks his hair behind his ear before scooping the rose custard with his spoon. “Perhaps [Y/N] didn’t notice our presence because they’re used to us being around them that it didn’t feel out of the ordinary,” Albedo suggests. “We have always left the estate together unless we’re going to work or school.”

Gorou nods in agreement, wrapping his arms around yours and snuggling up against you. You smile and pat Gorou’s head while continuing to eat your butter chicken. Archons, other than the men, you’d love to marry butter chicken if you could. 

You nudge Gorou with your elbow. “Do you want something to eat or snack on?” You ask, gesturing toward the food and desserts laid out on the table. 

Gorou shakes his head, his ears rubbing against your cheek in doing so. “I’m not exactly hungry right now,” replies Gorou, “Although I am thirsty.” Gorou reaches for his drink.

Lumine stares at you and the men before her, her eyes twitching. Every time when she tries to have some alone time with you, the men would always be with you. If it’s not all of the men, it’ll be some of the men tagging along with you. She can never hang out with you in peace without at least one or two men attached to your hips. It’s cute! Buuuuut as your friend, it does get annoying. Especially when one of the men that are attached to your hips is her very own twin brother. 

Ayato chuckles, leaning back in his seat while gazing at Lumine with an amused look on his face. Lumine looks like she wanted to punch them all. “What’s bothering you, Lumine?” asks Ayato, raising an eyebrow at the blonde girl in front of you. 

Lumine huffs, giving the Kamisato heir a fake smile. “Oh, it’s nothing, Lord Ayato! I was just hoping I would get some alone time with [Y/N]. You know, my best friend?” Lumine replies, narrowing her eyes at the twenty-five men before her.

Ayato lets out a thoughtful hum. “Well, perhaps next time you can spend time with [Y/N] while we’re at work! [Y/N] does get lonely when we’re tending our duties in our respective regions while they’re on their break from the Akademiya,” replies Ayato.

You nod while patting Gorou’s head with your unoccupied hand. You do get lonely sometimes when you’re not at the Akademiya while the men are at work. Sometimes they let you tag along, but most of the time, you don’t tag along because you know you’re a distraction. Imagine sitting inside the Grand Sage’s office while Al Haitham is doing his paperwork at the desk, and the next thing you know, your back is pressing against the bookshelves while making out with Al Haitham. That has happened more than once, and because the two of you were nearly caught, Al Haitham hesitantly concludes that this is the last time you’ll be at his side while he’s working. 

Capitano flicks his hair over his shoulders. “I don’t think it’ll be possible for you to get some alone time with [Y/N]. While most of us work in the mornings, some of us come home early to spend time with [Y/N],” replies Capitano.

Lumine raises her eyebrows at Capitano. “You guys leave work early just to come home for [Y/N]?” Lumine asks.

You look at Lumine with your mouth wide open in shock. “Should I feel offended right now?” You ask, looking at the men for confirmation. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Lumine laughs and waves her hands in front of her. “Wait, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way! What I meant is…. Do you guys really leave work early to see [Y/N]? It’s not a bad thing. I’m just curious!” Lumine says, propping her arms on the table.

Al Haitham nods. “Of course! I always look forward to coming home to seeing [Y/N]’s face,” Al Haitham says, looking at you with a smile. “Especially after a long day at the Akademiya dealing with the scholars.” 

You feel yourself blush at Al Haitham’s comment, playfully covering your face with your hands. Pierro rubs your head affectionately with a tiny smile. Who knew someone like you could make someone as intimidating as Pierro soft. Such a common yet cheesy trope. 

“Make sure to finish your food. You haven’t eaten anything today,” Pierro reminds you.

You pucker your lips and nod, continuing to eat your butter chicken while the men converse with each other, and Lumine taps her fingers on the wooden table. Lumine sighs and leans in her seat, tilting her head back.

“I hate how you guys are so cute and soft on [Y/N]. Although some of you are little shitheads to them that they would rant to me about how much of a shithead some of you are,” Lumine says, sitting up and staring directly at Scaramouche to let him know she’s talking about him.

Scaramouche glowers at the blonde girl, clenching his hands into tight fists. You laugh nervously and pat Scaramouche’s head while giving Lumine a pleading look. Lumine huffs and looks away, snatching the Padisarah Pudding from Aether before scooping the pudding with her spoon. Aether stares at Lumine with his mouth agape.

“Hey! It’s rude to take people’s food and desserts, you know! Where are your manners!?” Aether exclaims, glaring at his twin sister, who brushes off his question.

You wave the waiter over to order another Padisarah Pudding for Aether to eat while Aether silently sulks as Lumine continues to eat the rest of the pudding. Whoever is paying the bills, you’re hoping the amount of food on the table isn’t going to hurt their wallet. Unless everyone ends up splitting the bills and each person chips into paying the bill.

A few days later, Ningguang invited you to the Jade Chamber like how Lumine invited you for lunch in Sumeru. After all, it has been a long time since you and Ningguang have spoken to each other, and it’s a perfect time to catch up with each other. When Ningguang sent you an invitation to the Jade Chamber, Ningguang didn’t think much about it. She invited you to the Jade Chamber, and the two of you will catch up with each other while having breakfast before the both of you part ways to do your own things. Ningguang will continue her duties as the Tianquan of the Qixing while you’re doing whatever it is that you usually do.

Ningguang is sitting at the dining table, reading through the paperwork she brought with her to the table. While she was supposed to take a temporary break to have breakfast with you, there are still things Ningguang needs to skim over before breakfast. Ningguang looks up to see Baishi standing at the entrance of the dining room.

“Lady Ningguang, your guests are here for breakfast. They will be heading down momentarily,” says Baishi.

Ningguang smiles at Baishi and nods, dismissing her assistant. You were right on time. Ningguang gathers her paperwork and puts them in an envelope before getting up to place them elsewhere before you’re escorted to the dining room by her other assistants. Ningguang looks up when she hears a knock.

You peek into the room and smile at the Tianquan. Ningguang smiles and gestures for you to enter before turning her back to you to put her things away. Ningguang clears her throat, closing the cabinet with her back toward you.

“Good morning, [Y/N]. It’s great to see you again! I hope your journey to the Jade Chamber went smoothly,” says Ningguang.

“Good morning, Lady Ningguang! The journey to the Jade Chamber went well! Although the sight of the Jade Chamber never ceases to take my breath away,” you reply, sitting down at the dining table.

Ningguang smiles. “That’s great to hear! And please, [Y/N], I understand you’re at the Jade Chamber, but just call me Ningguang. No need for formalities!” Ningguang turns around and stops in her spot, looking at you with surprise. “Oh! I didn’t think you were bringing guests as well, [Y/N].”

Behind you stands twenty-five men— the same twenty-five men you’re in a happy relationship with. You give Ningguang a blank stare before holding up the invitation she sent out to you not long ago. Ningguang walks to the dining table and sits at the end of the dining table, crossing her leg over the other before gesturing for the servants to come over.

You clear your throat. “Lady Ningguang— I mean, Ningguang, sorry, it says ‘[Y/N] and friends’ on the invitation. I assumed you invited me and the men for breakfast,” you say shyly.

Ningguang stares at you with confusion before she holds her hand out in front of her. You get up from your seat, ready to hand the invitation to Ningguang, but Zhongli gestures for you to sit down. You reluctantly sit, letting Zhongli take the letter from your hands and give it to Venti. Venti walks to the Tianquan, handing her the invitation. Ningguang skims through the invitation, and lo and behold, you’re correct. 

Ningguang chuckles, putting the invitation on the table in front of her. “Oh, would you look at that? It seems like I mistakenly invited your boyfriends to tag along with us for our breakfast,” Ningguang says, leaning back in her seat.

Heizou clears his throat. “Does that mean we’re being uninvited?” Heizou asks, looking at the others awkwardly.

Childe clears his throat, shaking his head. “I hope not because that would be awkward,” murmurs Childe.

Ningguang chuckles and shakes her head. “No, no, I will not be uninviting you all after my mistake. Please, sit down, and breakfast will be out shortly,” says Ningguang.

The men start sitting at empty seats while the servants at the Jade Chamber bring out extra seats for the others that are still standing. Ningguang passes the invitation back to you while watching the men converse with each other around you and her. 

A few minutes later, breakfast was served, and everyone started digging into their breakfast. Usually, at the Jade Chamber, breakfast has always been silent for Ningguang. And since she has invited you over for breakfast, breakfast has been lively, with many conversations going on between each person.

“So, [Y/N], please tell me what you’ve been up to since our last meeting,” Ningguang says, wiping her mouth with a cloth napkin.

You reach for the cup of water, take a sip, and hum thoughtfully. “Well, recently, I have completed my third year at the Akademiya, and I am now officially on summer break. While I can take summer courses as well and graduate from the Akademiya early, I wanted to take a break for the summer because it’s been stressful. I need a break,” You reply, scooping up the eggs with your spoon.

Ningguang nods, tapping her finger on the table. “I see! And how is your relationship with your lovers? Are they treating you well?” Ningguang asks, raising her eyebrows at you and the men before her.

You blush and nod. “Our relationship is going smoothly. I couldn’t be any happier, and all of them make me happy and are the reason why I was able to be where I am today,” you reply.

“Aw! Onikabuto booboo bear!” Itto gushes, looking over at you with puppy dog eyes and a pout, his cheeks almost as red as his horns.

Ningguang looks at Itto with amusement. “An interesting pet name, I see,” Ningguang chuckles. “I was wondering something….” Ningguang trails off, eyeing you and the twenty-five men before  her.

“And what would that be, Lady Ningguang? I’m sure [Y/N] and the rest of us will try to answer your pressing questions,” replies Kazuha, smiling at the Tianquan.

Ningguang smiles at Kazuha, lifting her cup to her lips. Everyone goes silent and looks at the Tianquan curiously, waiting for her to reply. Ningguang takes a long sip from her cup before setting the cup on the table. Ningguang brushes her hair off her shoulders and looks at the twenty-five men and then at you, a small smirk appearing on her face while her eyes shine with mischief. 

“I was wondering if I’ll be receiving a wedding invitation soon. I and along with other people, have seen how attached to the hip you all are. Can I expect a wedding invitation soon?” Ningguang asks nonchalantly.

You blink at Ningguang before snickering. “I don’t know, Ningguang! Boys, should Lady Ningguang expect a wedding invitation soon?” You ask, smirking at the twenty-five men.

“Soon, but that will be a surprise for both you and Lady Ningguang,” says Ayato, smiling behind his cup of tea. 

The twenty-four men nod in agreement to Ayato’s comment while you stare at Ayato with your mouth agape. 

“What, wait? Are you implying that all of you have been planning on proposing to me—”

“Whaaaaaat? Who said that?!” Thoma interrupts you, sliding a plate of pancakes over to you with a fake smile. 

Tighnari clears his throat. “You should finish your breakfast, [Y/N]. I’m sure the Tianquan has important business to tend to after breakfast. We mustn’t keep her any longer!” says Tighnari.

You pout and shove slices of pancakes into your mouth while sulking over the men cutting off your question. It looks like they do plan on it but is unsure of when they’ll make it happen. 

Note: And finally, a somewhat long Genshin fic for this week! >:3 I might make a spin-off of the Genshin x HSR crossover I posted not long ago! It would be for either this upcoming week or during my finals week, but I'm not entirely sure yet 🤔 I might reopen my discord server in the summer. Might. I'm not 100% sure about it yet and will be discussing it with my mods before I make the full decision. Anyway, to my new and/or returning readers, please keep in mind that I ONLY post on my Tumblr (Genshinluvr) and my AO3 (Aaliah_exo)! Nowhere else except Tumblr and AO3!

Taglist for my Isekai'd!reader one-shot series and my overall taglist: @xyji, @chirikoheina, @yoru-trash, @kaoyamamegami, @deartoru, @luminarymoonlight, @ins4nebish, @bokuto-kinnie, @exhaustedcommunist, @jadedist, @mompt2, @chalksdreams, @thelost-in-time, @ventisweetheart, @hispasian-otaku, @juuuuuj101010, @samarill, @testsubject0012, @irisxiel, @kazuhaprnt, @lunarapple, @emilymikado, @mabie, @vinnie-w, @n8mareee, @heyimkay, @eliciana, @blesstosuisen, @goldeneclipsedragon, @jjvr4yxc, @sovermike-21-blog, @vox34, @skyyyyackerman, @undecidingfate, @nightlysunn, @faeryminnyx, @simpcreator, @lucifarts-boxers, @thelovebuggs, @urlocalheizousimp, @sunlightstarr (Accounts that I was unable to tag have been removed. Those who don't want to be tagged in certain stories are not tagged in this particular post. Remember to check your settings if you're allowing people to mention you/tag you in posts or not)

Read more of my works on my Masterlist | Maybe support me by tipping me on Ko-Fi or by reblogging my fanfics! ^^ I will also be posting exclusive fanfics on Ko-Fi as well very soon! I might post all of my stories on there too, but who knows. You can also tip me on Tumblr if you'd like as a way to show support! ^^

[kaelidascope]

Fandom and LGBTQ Hostility and My Experiences Trying to Exist in Both Spaces Online

I came into these spaces with a very strict rule that I would not react or do anything cancel-worthy out of an overabundance of caution. Digital footprints are dangerous. The things you say online will follow you around forever. I know that first hand. I’ve bottled up and stayed silent about a lot of things I’ve either witnessed first-hand or experienced because I was trying to maintain a clean online persona. I’m not an ‘airing out dirty laundry’ type person. 

In light of recent events however, it’s gotten so bad that I can no longer sit here and not say something about how I feel. I’m disappointed and frustrated with the experiences I’ve had both in fandom and LGBTQ+ spaces and I can’t be complacent. I’m tired of getting treated like this, I’m fed up and I’m not going to put up with it anymore. I feel it’s important I voice what I’ve been watching and what’s happened and how I’m not going to tolerate it anymore by calling it out first hand. 

This is a two-topic rant. They overlap in some instances, but it directly has to do with how fandoms behave in general towards each other on Twitter and Tumblr, and also how absolutely hostile LGBTQ+ individuals are nowadays to each other on the same platforms. 

I come from a different generation and a different social media platform. I wasn’t on Twitter and Tumblr until last year. I’m not dismissing the fact that I may have missed out on decades worth of culture and social expectation. The places where I come from aren’t exactly fantastic either, but at least here, more queer people are interacting with each other with shared interests much more widely than in places like DeviantArt. The amount of culture and information I’ve absorbed in one year is more than I ever had within the past twenty years. It should be a good thing, and I’m disappointed that it wasn’t. 

This is not the way I wanted to come out online to anyone. I’ve been figuring out where I sit on the gender and sexuality spectrum for a while now. I will not document a specific timeline for anyone because that’s nobody’s business but my own. Within the last year, I took a massive stride forward in exploring things I legally didn’t think I was allowed to. I expected backlash from cishets and the usual thing I see LGBTQ+ folks write essays over, about how the world hates us, but at least we have each other. Shockingly, the backlash didn’t come from straight people. It came from other queers. 

I am 27 years old and I am entirely self-sufficient. I’m mixed Puerto Rican living in a red state. English wasn’t even my first language. I don’t have a network, so I’m teaching myself these things. I'm asking questions. I'm reading materials and expressions of self-experience and self-identity through fanworks and other autobiographical content. I'm actively trying to seek community and support through transgender and non-binary individuals with shared interests and so far all I've been met with is hostility and assumptions. So much so that I've now been made to feel like I'm on a timeline to figure it out so I can have a well-practiced, short introduction to copy and paste to every person who comes across me. And the only reason I even need one is so that they can make the decision to pass judgement over whether or not I'm allowed to speak, write, draw, wear, act, breathe the things I do. I'm disappointed. I'm anxious. I honestly feel more shoved into the closet now than I ever did before and I shouldn't be. Nobody should be treated this way when trying to figure out who they are. I probably won't even get an apology for the things that were said to me, either. I pride myself on the extraordinary caution I take to be politically correct, vetted through reputable sources, and as close to authentic as possible. And yet somehow I’m still getting called things like terf, transmisogynistic, triggering, when I’m fucking trans myself and all of my content gets vetted/REQUESTED by trans individuals. I get promised up and down that people are kind and welcoming in these sorts of spaces and honey, they aren’t. The people you choose to be friends with aren't as inclusive and friendly as you think they are. You don’t even know me and what body parts I have. The fact that you need to know in order to decide whether or not to treat me with respect is telling of an internal issue that has nothing to do with me. 

I have no reference point. I live in a place where laws ban anything gender and trans. I have no local resources or community. I've barely met any LGBTQ people in person. If I have, they never came out publicly. Most of my queer exposure has been online, and the fact that I've seen nothing but angry, mean, exclusive and discriminating behavior without any sort of reasoning why other than selfish defensiveness, I don't know where else I'm supposed to go for support. Something a lot of you guys need to take into retrospect is anyone who identifies as LGBTQ gets shot where I live. We have sundown towns here. If you don’t even know what that is, good, but also that’s telling of your privilege that you need to consider when talking to others not from blue states. I didn’t grow up in an environment where we had these highly liberal culture points and the word ‘gay’ was never allowed to be said out loud. We did not have gay clubs in school. I'm about as fucking late to this as you possibly can get. The only reason I know anything about our history, representation, and barely anything about what's socially acceptable and what's not, is because of the internet. So many of you had the privilege of being exposed to this information as young as under the age of 10. I didn’t. Sue me for not immediately knowing what every gender label means right off the bat. Half that stuff isn’t even legal here. 

I can't believe it's boiled down to the fact that I have to somehow justify my existence on this Earth and give an explanation that fits into predetermined boxes just to do anything to engage with other people. I have no time or space to figure it out. I’m disorganized and overwhelmed because I can’t ask questions about ‘can butches do this?’ ‘How versatile is transmasc/transfem?’ ‘Am I more genderqueer or do I fit under the trans umbrella?’ Gender and identity is fluid and ever changing. I have actually seen people harp and attack individuals for "defaulting" or "detransitioning" when they change their mind after giving this big coming out speech. It’s like support on these platforms is entirely conditional and a one-time thing. Y'all really expect people to wear the first style of shirt they buy for the rest of their life? Are we not allowed to do anything unless we know for sure? How’s college working out for you, for those who believe this mindset?

The vocally aggressive ones who use big words that contradict their statements can do, say, and be whatever they want.  But people like me can't. The ones who have to straight pass in public to keep their jobs and maintain their life safely. Some of us have been on our own since 19 with no family support. Consider the environment someone lives in before assigning your harsh assumptions. I can’t just change myself on a whim without doing significant damage control. Half the jobs I work for don’t even allow unnatural hair colors. If we list our pronouns as anything other than our assigned sex at birth, it causes legality issues with taxes. The way I have to navigate how to explore my identity and also keep a roof over my head and my bills paid may seem highly conservative to most. It’s in no way shape or form meant to reflect disrespect on how others live and express themselves. I am doing the best with the environment I have. The way I do things is not meant to be read as a message of ‘you’re doing it wrong because you’re not doing it the way I do.’ None of us are wrong. That should not be the subliminal message here. 

You know someone actually challenged me on that? Saying I was being harmful for purposefully straight presenting in public? Please research your country and state specific laws before you say that to me. If I could afford to live somewhere safer and queer-friendly, this conversation would be different. I am working on getting the fuck out of this state. But I don’t have a partner or parents money to default on. I’m doing this by myself. It’s not impossible, just a slow process. 

I'm disappointed and fed up. I've reached my limit, and I don't really care anymore if someone uses this essay to try and cancel me 5 or 10 years from now when the world goes through another gender renaissance of terms and identities. I will not put up with being treated like this when you refuse to listen to anyone else other than the sound of your own voice. I’m trying my best to learn, adapt, and express myself. I do not need to be lectured or be called derogatory things just because you think I’m coming from a malicious place.  

It’s not just about the hostility and gate-keeping behavior exhibited in online queer spaces. The same exact thing happens in fandom spaces too. People get pissy about queer headcanons and presentations so much to the point of taking it upon themselves to police the fandom and scrub it clean of “impurities.” I’ve watched y’all go through people's social media pages for any type of ammunition for justification of a personal grievance. It shocks me how much hyperfixation gets put on specific and morally harmless things when there are people out there writing diabolical shit way worse than what I have to offer. And y’all happily support them too but bark at me about what I make cus that author fits your social criteria and you assumed I didn’t. Don't think I'm ignorant to every single scrap of hate mail and harassment I've gotten over the past year and a half in my inboxes. Including the passive aggressive posts about my work, vague tweets, and discussions about me in discord servers. Over what? Have you actually read my work? If it’s actually as problematic as you say it is, provide me with a modern and unbiased example why this particular scene and execution is harmful. And not because you got triggered or disliked the kink, or read the summary/tags and assumed it was something it’s not. I don’t know how much more caution tape, massive warnings, obvious clear-cut tags (that were provided to me by queer individuals to PUT on there in the first place) out of insane amounts of caution I can do. I have always been willing to provide spoilers and explicit details in case someone is unsure how they’ll be affected by something I make. If you already don’t like it based on my warnings, that’s always been more than okay! My work is not for everyone. I’m getting tired of politely and respectfully saying please move on, because the message seems to be getting lost in translation. So let me be clear; 

Get off my pages if you don’t like what I make. It’s not for you. It will never be for you. Dead dove. DO NOT EAT. PREFERRED DEMOGRAPHIC 25+ ADULT CONTENT RATED E FOR EXPLICIT. I can recommend so many other fantastic creators with better suited content for you! If I could hide my content behind a roped off section deliberately keeping you from seeing it, I would. BLOCK ME. 

If your response to this section is ‘well then just don’t write it’. Honey, there’s people out here in the RWBY fandom writing trans incest actively commenting on all your shit and you respond back. A magic grimm-goo strap and monster smut featuring a transfem character (again, requested by literally 3 trans people and WRITTEN by one) should be the least of your worries. 

I have actively chosen not to address the harassment and hate mail, because it's sad that half of you hate me so much you need to make a point of telling me so regularly. I sincerely hope moving on with your lives will grant you peace of mind. Truly.

This is why I barely interact with anyone. Nothing but hostility, harassment, and expectation to behave in ways I cannot emotionally commit to. I am exhausted, uninspired, and have such a bad taste in my mouth it's proving extremely difficult to want to do anything creative. It’s been worse with my recent exploration of my gender identity. Opening one door to write about certain things somehow, miraculously, closes ones I previously existed in. I’m practically getting kicked out if I’m not 100% one way or another. I don’t go out of my way to shove my content down your throats. Why you feel the need to come to me and tell me you dislike my existence because you read it, despite me stating this is not for everyone and probably not for you, doesn’t have anything to do with me. Idk what else I can do. Disappear off the face of the planet, I guess. That seems to be what the overall solution is when y’all find something you don’t like. I can't believe I witnessed grown adults in their mid twenties with self-proclaimed senses of rightness start a trend on Twitter to go through people's mutuals and their likes to see if they’re socially acceptable in Fandom spaces or not. That was fucking ridiculous. And especially not fair to those who had their private accounts leaked and put on blast when it was already behind an vetted follower wall. Believe it or not, people draw weird, lewd, diabolical shit. They’re actually being responsible by putting it behind a paywall, or some type of ‘proof of age before following’ requirement. It falls on the people who go on there, take screenshots, and post them publicly for minors and non-consenting individuals to see without filters what was previously hidden. It’s irresponsible and immature. 

For fear of getting canceled by the Fandom, I moved all 600+ accounts I was following onto a private alt. I don't interact with my main anymore. I went so far into hiding and didn’t dare share anything about liking content made by people I wasn’t allowed to like, because that’s how cruel it is out here. It's honestly stupid I even felt like I had to do that. For what? People glazed over the brief moment of drama within a few weeks and went right back to posting the same shit they always have. They find new things to gossip about on their privs. New enemies to cancel on Twitter. New things to deem problematic and attack. 

I will be heard with this letter. I don’t care to be associated with anyone who treats people like this. I don’t believe in it, I won’t support it, and I’d rather have a small circle of people who won’t be rude or attack other people for existing. I’m not going to sit here and take the abuse any longer. Leave me in peace. There is no reason any of this should be happening. 

This is not meant to undermine the support I have gotten from the few who know what I'm going through and have given me the space to figure it out. I appreciate every question answered and insight provided as much as your abilities allow. I'm so grateful for it. I just wish it wasn't 2 people while everyone else is an asshole.

[olderthannetfic]

fandom social justice history anon here - aaah, thank you, early fandom being dominated by academics definitely connected the dots I was missing, thank you! Yeah, now looking at it with this in mind, it's pretty obvious how the tone of the meta essays from that era, while often snarky or even outraged, definitely sounds more like the tone of people who are used to passionately arguing in a setting that doesn't allow you to just throw whatever ad hominem accusation at your opponent's head. In contrast, tumblr's (and as a result, twitter's and tiktok's) style of fandom drama now reads to me even more blatantly like a catfight between high schoolers who have just recently learned some Big Words they only care to use as ammunition. I've read multiple older fans (including your invaluably informative blog) talking about how tumblr definitely reshaped fandom and brought in a TON of new people, and how slash was far from the "mainstream" of fandom even in the livejournal-ffn.net days, and I'm having a feeling that, for all the imperfections of this first tumblr generation of fans' activism ("let my gays marry" etc etc) the thing that got slash to be "mainstreamed" within fandom the way it currently is, also has to do with this pretty sizeable influx of new fans being mostly teenagers. As in specifically, overwhelmingly teenage girls who were having their first sparks of interest in romance during the height of the "I'm not like other girls" era + everyone shitting on twilight & "girly" musicians, because if you look at the posts from that period, they often contrast being a slash reader with being the slutty partying "other girl" or annoying hipster & at my school too slash kind of spread as a "not like the other girls" alternative to mainstream romance. Yes, not the healthiest attitude either, and it's good we've mostly grown past that, but like I said, there's a good chance that was what buffed up the numbers of slash fans to the point where today people are surprised fandom ever even was hostile to it, and at least in my environment, fandom activism, for all its flaws, was most people's first exposure to any sort of "-rights" activism at all. But (as is probably obvious) I did not experience most of even that era personally (I joined tumblr fandom in 2014). Anyways, excuse the rambling, if you feel like adding anything to confirm or deny my hypothesis, I greatly appreciate it, and I hope you have a nice day/evening!

--

M/M still isn't mainstream in plenty of fandom contexts, just not the ones I hang out in, and "not like the other girls" of the type you describe was already big in the 90s among people who'd heard of fanfic. It's just that fanfic was harder to stumble across overall.

I think the two biggest factors are the changing attitudes towards gayness in mainstream culture in a number of countries and... well... AO3 getting popular.

FFN was the big place in the past, though not for my crowd. Now, AO3 is taking a massive bite out of not only its market share but now, in the last few years, Wattpad's.

When the visible institution around which fanfic revolves puts filtering out het front and center, it sends a strong message that previous fandom platforms did not. You had your m/m-only archives and your f/f-only archives and your places that let you filter for those but that treated het as an unmarked default.

Look at early discussions of AO3. There's an undercurrent there that we all assumed it would be one of a number of archives and that we didn't expect it to get this big.

Nobody could have foreseen the Het-Is-Eternal-Default Wattpad crowd being forced by their own platform's suckitude to come camp on the thing built by slashers. Now, we are the admins and they are the also-tolerated. That never happened before.

The thing that makes people not report gay hand holding as evil porn that must be eradicated is simply AO3 putting its foot down.

Anyone who thinks that virulent slash hate is gone just hasn't looked at other spaces.

This is not about individual fans behaving better: it is about institutional power.

[shmowder]

Your blog is making me want to replay Patho 2 again... I did play once on the intended difficulty, and then I replayed it afterwards on the easiest settings, doing everything and saving everyone and I'm ngl, that was some of the most fun I've ever had even though it wasn't quite in the spirit of the game haha

The so-called spirit of the game is this senior citizen wirh an overgrown 2000s anime boy haircut who shakes his cane at you sassily when you choose to only swallow a handful of razors as opposed to the razor muckbang the game offers.

I finished the game on the hardest difficulty

This was my first time playing the game ever. I straight up went to the intended difficulty, saved everyone, did everything, and never starved for a single day. I had 20+ Shmowders by the end. I was fully stocked on meat, I was fully stocked on homemade antibiotics and maxed the hospital shift each day.

All of that with only 3 Deaths

WHERE IS MY FUCKING CELEBRATION HUH? WHERE IS MY MEDAL? NO ONE THEW ME A PARTY, NO ONE INVITED BELLA HADID >:( MARK WASN'T IMPRESSED.

Fuck you Mark! ONE OF THOSE DEATHS WAS BULLSHIT YOU DUMB SLUT. YOU SPAWNED A GUY ON TOP OF ME WHILE I WAS PICKING UP HERBS, HOW THE FUCK DID HE ONE SHOT ME WITH FULL HEALTH HUH? YOU WHORE.

What I'm saying is. Look, we both finished the game on complete opposite extremes, yet we're both here. In a pathologic x reader blog on tumblr. We both had fun and shared a good understanding of the plot and characters. That's what matters. Everything else is just people patting themselves on the shoulder. You're the only one who will be impressed with the fact you beat the game flawlessly, and you're the only one who will be bothered by the fact you picked an easier difficulty

Because it's really not that different. To me, I have the kind of autism that makes games like pathologic smoother than water for me, I thrived on the ruthlessness of dark soul and did a no death run in darkest dungeon. But also. I absolutely suck at casual games, I can't play Stardew Valley unless I'm fully cheating, I can't for the life of me beat a single platforming game because I have a slow reaction speed.

Play Pathologic however you want! Ice-pick Joe isn't gonna pop from under your bed at 3am to beat you up with hammers. This is coming from the most tryhard difficulty elitism person there is in games.

Buttttt. I do recommend giving Pathologic classic HD a try. I promise anyone who beat Pathologic 2 on ANY difficultly will cuck tf out of the first game. There is no thirst! The vendors have unlimited money, and you can sell all of your trash to them! THE ECONOMY IS THRIVING I BOUGHT FOOD ON THE DAYS THE PRICES WERE SKYROCKETING BC I COULD AFFORD IT. I would've never financially recovered from buying food in P2 on any day that's not the first one. In P1, I rarely slept because I was deepthroating lemons and snorting coffee beans day and night since I could easily afford the health/hunger penalty.

Meanwhile, in P2, I'd save coffee beans to sell to get enough money to save up for army clothes.

The combat is so forgiving, the houses with good loot aren't the infected ones like in P2 but the burned ones! The AI in that game is so stupid you can trick plague clouds into disappearing if you stand still! You can glitch and jump over fences to take shortcuts through the town! YOU CAN SCAM THAT CUNT ANDREY STAMATIN FOR ENDLESS SHOTGUNS.

Lastly don't forget that 90% of the Pathologic fandom haven't even played any of the games at all. 70% probably never watched a single playthrough either and just video essays instead.

In the steam version of Pathologic 2, Only 10% of players who bought the game have ever reached the end.

10% !!! That's us there! Me and You! It doesn't matter how what matters is that we both did it while 90% of people gave up.

And the situation in the classic game is even more dire tbh-

Only 6% ever opened the game and made it through the first day. Only 3% ever made it to the last day.

So, really good on you for finishing the game! Good on me for finishing the game! WE DID IT! YAY! Someone really should give Bella Hadid a call.

Also, please do yourself a favour and ignore whatever the video essayist says about the difficulty of the games. They're good storytellers for building an interesting narrative to watch, but they're not good at videogames assessment. Each of their reasons is very personalised by their own experience and doesn't necessarily mean other people will struggle with the same issues. Don't listen to anyone who tells you picking an easy difficulty ruins the game either, Pathologic doesn't relay on its brutal gameplay to shine, it can more stand on its own as a narrative story walking game. If anything, it would probably shine better on easier difficulties when you have time to dig for context clues and plot without starvation breathing down your neck. I missed some flavour text quests because I was too stressed about balancing different objectives to do them or pay attention when something important was said.

[piglet26]

Top Five Reylo Scenes

Before I start I do want to add why Reylo means so much to me. Recently I went through a really deep depression and part of what pulled me out of it was Reylo. I was able to write essays and do analysis about this OTP. Rewatching the films and focusing on theirs scenes helped get my mind off of some pretty deep stuff. I was also able to receive love and connection through the Reylo community. It's meant a lot to me! Also, I know that Tumblr is very supportive to anyone going through a tough time and directing people to self help lines. If you are going through a time that is really dark or challenging I Love You in Reylo.

Now my top three scenes is tough cause I love them all, but if I had to focus on an order to the game I'd say........

5 " You Need a Teacher"

“There’s a history in Star Wars of the attraction between the light and dark…”

Truth be told I'm surprised this scenes ranked as high as it did with me because I do not like that she beat him. The more I thought about it I realized why I did want to rank it. There is something raw and dirty about them here. The look of sheer amazement he gives her after that lightsaber flew to her was everything. The force theme beginning to play. Then when she lit the lightsaber and he was like "oh, you wanna duel? ok, let's duel then." The moment they found the force together with their faces beautifully lit up. It really is great.

There is nothing violent really about their fight, like I don't fear for their lives. Resembling the scene where Kylo Ren said could “take whatever he wants” and “Don’t be afraid, I feel it too” while looking at her lips. The chemistry took me by complete surprise and I shifted in my seat uncertainly watching this the first time. Surely I shouldn’t like a murderer and a villain with Rey, but I couldn’t help it. This very chemistry, though probably amounting to less than ten minutes of actual interaction between each other, leaves the audience with a hungry desire for more.

Reylo and Anidala could be mirrors of each other with Anakin falling to the Dark Side because of his selfish love for Padme and Kylo coming back to the Light because of his selfless love for Rey.

When Kylo is with Rey, he is calmer, and calculating. For Kylo, the seduction is to the Light. However, when Rey first searches out the Force with her feelings, she immediately ends up in the Dark Side, and is unafraid to take what she wants from it. In battle, she is furious, screaming and bent on destruction. As I mentioned above, Anidala and Reylo could be the Force’s attempts at balancing itself. Where Anidala was destined to fail, Reylo is destined to prevail and finally balance the Force.

4 "You'll turn........I'll help you"

“The Abduction,” the song in TFA when the “bridal carry” happens, has a very similar ascending line of notes to a recurring theme in Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet overture.

I love everything about this. The infamous elevator scene. Reylo once again dominates the screen in The Last Jedi, easily rendering Finn’s growing romance with Rose bland and tedious in comparison. Rian Johnson is a Reylo stan so I stan him. This is the first time Rey and Kylo are physically side by side since she tried to kill him in the forest on Star killer Base. It's the most sexually charged body language! They spiffed up for one another. She’s changed her clothes, put on makeup and decided to leave her hair down. His hair is freshly washed with a spritz.

“Ben” She’s using his real name now and like in every scene with her now he's calm. He hates his name, but when she says it he hears her. She's appealing to his true nature, or, what she believes it to be. It's possessive as well. He is HER Ben. The way he tried not to have a reaction to her until she said his name. He's trying to stay blank and not give away what he intends to do, but none the less has a reaction to her.

Rian Johnson basically confirmed that Kylo / Ben wanted to kiss Rey in the elevator scene. It’s canon so I am prepared to fight. Not to mention, Johnson tells us that Adam Driver, as Kylo / Ben, seriously considered kissing Rey in this scene. He is, indeed, staring at her lips in the elevator with the most intense eye contact.

Reylo speaks to me, and many others, on a spiritual level. Like many stories of both maiden and monster, Reylo shows us what it means to be a heroine. A heroine reaches her hand out to monsters and says: you deserve love and compassion, no matter the mistakes you’ve made. We're in a movement where women are tired of "fixing" men and I'm here for it. I honestly think that's why so many woman found it difficult that Reylo is not soft and sweet.

3 ........Ben?"

Adam Driver says Kylo Ren can’t help but harbor admiration for Daisy Ridley’s Rey in the Last Jedi. “I think there’s something familiar there, as well as something to be feared, or something… that he (Kylo) can’t quite place.”

Let me go ahead and say that I'm going to cheat.... I'm including the novelization in this because that mixed with novel is what gives me life. TROS brought such mixed Reylo emotions. We got great stuff! In small doses *eye roll* In the novel. She was glad to see him. Glad to be with him in this moment. It was the greatest gift she could have given him. His heart was full as Rey reached for his face, let her fingers linger against his cheek. And then, wonder of wonders, she leaned forward and kissed him.

The way Rey sits in wonder...... never mind she was borderline dead..... Ben is there, really there and she's just staring in wonder. Ben is looking at her in painful awe and relief. They are both almost child-like in their affection. The way Rey hesitates, after years alone, it takes her a moment to work up the courage for her first kiss. Ben just lets her take her time. The way he waits patiently for her to work up the courage and then the moment the kiss, he pulls her to him like she is the air he breathes for his first kiss. Oh! The smiles. Seriously?! Ben and Rey are happy! There was fireworks, champagne and pussy power! Rey’s hand. Ben gave his very life essence to Rey because his love is that absolute.

And let’s not forget the novelization of TLJ had this quote “They will never have to be alone again”.

Now this is where things get messy as hell. Adam was on the set of Tatooine..... but as they cut that ending. Daisy stated regarding the ending “the crew was shaken in a way I had not seen before. and I thought, ‘my god if this is people’s immediate reaction when the scene isn’t even ready, imagine what it will be like to see it in the movies, with the John Williams soundtrack and all that." When Ben faded into the force...... no one felt anything for a moment then there was just confusion and disappointment. You cannot nor will you ever have me believing that this janky ending was the real deal.

2 "Join Me.......... Please"

“He (Kylo) sensed his and Rey’s destinies were intertwined, but how?......"

The Throne Room Proposal! Kylo premeditated in the purest Sith way regarding the murdering of his Master for his bae. Then he gives Rey a furious speech on killing the past in a bid to win her over and fulfill his dark Queen fantasy. “You come from nothing, you’re nothing—but not to me,” Kylo tells Rey, in one of the most beautifully twisted declarations of love ever uttered in a family blockbuster, before quietly pleading with her to join him like he’s the most desperately lonely person in the universe. The duo’s visions of their future together—Rey sees Kylo turning to the Light, and Kylo witnesses Rey joining him in the Dark. However, upon Snoke’s death, the bond still stands. Kylo offers Rey a place at his side and his hand in marriage, but it is the proposal of an awkward boy, grasping desperately at a relationship he has only begun to understand.

And you can see it in her face, that she’s torn, there is a part of her that wants to take his hand, not to rule the galaxy, that’s not her ambition, but to simply stay with someone who truly understands her as well. But it’s the ‘please’ Adam Driver showed that Julliard education with that one word. Both actors just brough it. You can see how far they've come and yet still so far away from each other.

1 "You're Not Alone.......Neither are You"

“When Rey feels rejected by Luke Skywalker, who also sees parallels between the power in her and the abilities of his estranged nephew, the old Jedi master inadvertently pushes the two towards each other.”

You knew it was coming. In TLJ, Kylo is at his most sympathetic and tempting; Rey at her most understanding. Both are outcasts because of their power, they are both lonely, whispering to each other comfortingly “you’re not alone” and “neither are you.” Kylo sees more in Rey than she does within herself. He also challenges her as an equal. Ben ultimately encourages her to not only expand her mind, but in embrace her womanhood. It is no wonder that Rey goes to him. After experiencing Luke and his failings as a master and failing to find the answer's she's been looking for....... Rey ends up relating to Kylo. Kylo, for once, has put the whole of misery and life lessons into something productive.

When we find them alone in a dark hut, slowly lean towards each other, and very hesitantly touch hands in a scene fraught with romantic tension. Notably, the Force music plays during the scene, signaling their relationship’s importance. A tear crawls down Rey’s face as the two connect and understand each other on a level so deep that it is reminiscent of sex, and causes Luke Skywalker to pull the ultimate Dad move and blow up the hut.

As Rey and Kylo develop their bond we see the force attempting to balance itself. Yin and Yang....... the imagery littered throughout the sequel trilogy is drawn heavily from those belief systems. We see continuous parallel shots with Rey and Ben to represent this duality. Both are presented in contrasting surroundings that represent the duality of the masculine and the feminine. In many shots half of their figure is bathed in light and the other half is bathed in the darkness.

This connection is as spiritual as it is romantic. As Jason Fry explained, romance is merely the analog we have in the living force for this deep spiritual bond.

[cr0cutacr0cuta]

Loving Darius Deamonne: A LONG tumblr essay about my favorite character from The Owl House, and why I think his potential was missed but hinted at.

Hey heres an edit: forgot that Gus existed, my bad. :sob: I love him too just not as much.

Darius Deamonne is a great character and you should love him too and here's why.

It goes beyond me just loving him for being black and pretty obviously gay (at least some sort of mlm) in my eyes. Which is good! He's black and somewhat feminine and it's never played for laughs. He's still treated like a threat and like a very powerful and influential person. Which I wholeheartedly appreciate it.

Which is the first thing I wanna touch on I guess?

I also want to say that some of this is based off of interviews that Dana Terrace has done for the show, as well as piecing theories together based on the information we DO know about Darius.

And no I won't proofread this because I have anxiety about re-reading anything I write, so sorry for the typos in advanced. :,)

I was going to do this in parts but everything is bleeding together so much that I can't. I'll sum up all the most important things in bullet points at the end!

This will probably be my shortest section here. Darius is very reminiscent of effeminate Disney Villains such as Scar or Gaston. He's very into fashion and self pampering. He even has a menacing sounding French/Greek roots last name that DOES invoke demons. Even if that's not the true meaning behind the name, but we'll get back to that later in this section.

Darius is first hinted at in Season 1 Episode 13, "The First Day". His simplified visage appearing on the Abomination Coven banner.

Man, look at how sinister and mysterious they made him look. He also appears to MAYBE be wearing a different outfit than he does in the rest of the series proper. There's not a lot to say or analyze here, I just think his banner is super neat.

The second time we see Darius is in the flashback segment of "Young Blood, Old Souls". We see his younger design first before we even get a glimpse of his present one. I just really like that detail and the implication that Darius was a character that was very heavily on the writer's mind from the jump.

Now his real, first proper appearance is very wild. Very important. I don't know too much about cinematography and framing, but I do know a little bit of the basics.

Let's look at his first true appearance in Season 2 Episode 6, "Hunting Pailsmen".

We do see his shadow in the shot before this, but I just want to point out that Darius is straight up the first coven head we see in the introduction to all of them. (We do see Mason in an earlier episode but it was in a more comedic role and he doesn't speak.)

This framing putting Darius front and center doesn't stop here.

In the first proper serious group shot of the coven heads, Darius is in the middle. Firstly, the perspective frames Darius as the biggest person in the shot. Maybe besides Hettie, but she's also pretty tall and scaled down because of the perspective. He's also the one in the center of the shot, in the center of some of the most powerful people and most influental people in the isles.

This does imply importance.

It even goes further in the next shot.

Darius is at the side here, sure. But he's put next to Mason who probably has the plainest design out of all the coven heads. (I'm sure he's fine.) But it almost feels like he was put next to Darius to make Darius' framing look more important. With the rest of the more uniquely designed coven heads smaller, at the back, and rendered in less color because of the light from the cauldron (?) in the shot.

Even in the storyboard, Darius seems ot have a bit more detail than everyone else. And if not that, his expression is more clear and intense than the other's.

This makes me wonder how important Darius was to the narrative before the show got canceled. Like yes, Raine ended up being the most important person here in the end. Rightfully so. I still just wondered what was there intention with the compositions of these scenes. Was Darius meant to be more important, or was this a misdirect?

He's in such a unique spot in the story, that I doubt it was unintentional. Darius was supposed to be explored much more according to Dana.

Snippet of the interview from TV Tropes.

So we know Darius was supposed to be explored more as a character in a hypothetical, fully realized season 3. I really would have done anything to see that, honestly.

That's all I have to really say for this section. I'm just bummed that all this foreshadowing and planning was destroyed because of Disney's mismanagement of the show. It also sucks that the main black character we see in the show is one of the biggest causalities from it. Moving on.

So back to Darius being like renaissance era Disney villains...He's vain, he's powerful, and quite possibly...He's manipulative. Mainly, it seems, towards the other coven heads.

Remember what Hunter says in "Any Sport in a Storm" about the coven heads...

This is very much speculation on my part. But I think Darius has been in the rebellion game for a while. I can't say he's a direct leader and I can't say he has an entire group behind him until Raine comes along. But I wouldn't put it above him to use mind games to help slow Belos' progress. I think Darius may have been purposely sowing discourse between the other coven heads.

Mind you, a lot of them are already conniving on their own. But I don't put it past him to stoke the flames to cause chaos for Belos' plans.

This does beg the question, how long has Darius been at this? How long has he been TRYING to dismantle the Emperor's hold on the Isles?

Again, speculation warning, but I do think Darius may have been at least skeptical of Belos and looking into what he was doing since his mentor died.

Imagine, your mentor is the leader of the Emperor's Coven. The Emperor's personal right hand man. Then he just...dies one day. And since Belos says that all the previous guards had in fact, betrayed him, what's to say that the previous Golden Guard didn't tell Darius he was going to betray Belos?

Like yes, he could have not told Darius in an attempt to protect him. Darius obviously meant a lot to him and he obviously meant a lot to Darius. Though I also think that he would want to save Darius and everyone else. And if he couldn't, he would want Darius to save himself and everyone else. I can't prove that Darius was told anything, but I wouldn't be surprised.

So Darius may have just...Straight up been in the trenches for years at this point. He does say that he rebelled because he found "The Day of Unity suspicious"...But Darius has exaggerated on screen before. He's also been straight up lying to a lot of peers for possibly years. He can be an unreliable narrator here.

This also means he is a stereotypical renaissance villain turned on it's head. He looks very evil, but my mans is just semi goth, loves fashion, and is an anarchist. He's not a villain, just an anti-hero.

With that said, let's talk about his relationship with Hunter, which seems to be pretty complicated.

Darius starts out seemingly looking at Hunter with distain. I think about what Dana says about Darius' main motivations not only being to help people, but to care about the ones that he loves. The implications that Darius' main driving force is love, not only for people personally in his life, but for his community, the people of the isles, seems pretty significant.

I think love maybe Darius' main, true character trait.

Love, especially when it ties into grief, can really make people lash out. Not everyone reacts this way, but we've already established that Darius can be pretty full of wrath when he wants to be.

To me it's very clear that Darius is projecting the anger he feels from his grief onto Hunter. Which yes, is messed up. There's no excuse for it. He eventually seems to grow and change at least, and that's good.

I can definitely see WHY he would feel the way he does towards Hunter at first though. Your mentor is murdered one day and you get little explanation, he also may have hinted at something deeper and darker happening within the leadership of your community before he does. Then he's replaced by some kid that, probably to you, came out of nowhere. He's the emperor's nephew. Didn't his family die a long time ago? Did his mentor have a child that he didn't even mention?

Which does beg the question...Does Darius know that Hunter is a grimwalker? I don't know? I don't think so. I think he's very suspicious of the whole situation at the very least. You're also frustrated with the kid about being a follower, about not looking at the bigger picture, about just being a soldier and not his own person. Because you're sure that being a follower, being subservient, is what lost your mentor his life.

Darius definitely could have handled this better. He could have not projected his grief onto Hunter. He could have been more open about what he wanted him to do. He could have told him to go be a kid and make friends. But he let his grief get in the way of it all. He's flawed, and that's relatable.

Seeing Hunter make friends and show some sort of autonomy seemingly broke him from seeing Hunter as just a replacement. He started seeing Hunter as his own person as Hunter did. I think that's a very important step in their growth together. I find that super interesting and very poetic.

There's also the fact that Darius probably couldn't tell Hunter about the scope of everything because he wanted to protect him from it all. I don't think Darius ever wanted Hunter to get hurt. Even if he was cruel to him initially. He was so upset in "Hollow Mind" that he shoves Raine out of the way when hears about Hunter being stuck in Belos' mind.

He also may have been scared of what Hunter would see if he had known that the Emperor had something to do with his mentor's death.

Also I guess I should mention it here because of it all tying into Darius being part of the rebellion but...There's a scene in "Eda's Requiem" where Darius is more angry about his clothes getting messed up than the fact that Raine has committed treason...Which is great foreshadowing, actually. I love the fact that Eberwolf has to remind him of the treason part so their cover doesn't get blown, probably.

Let's keep the ball rolling on the most important relationships in Darius' life.

We've covered Hunter and his mentor, so let's move onto Eberwolf.

Eberwolf is pretty heavily implied to be like a sibling to Darius. There's a lot of unexplored territory here and it makes me really sad. So this'll probably be the most sparsely talked about relationship here despite the fact that Darius and Eberwolf spend almost all of their screen time together.

I think the thing I want to point out was that Darius was not willing to let Eberwolf harmed or possibly killed during their fight with other coven heads on the day of unity. I feel like this may elude to a few things.

Darius cannot bare to lose someone in his life again. Or can't bare to see it, possibly again. He backs off immediately and the fear in his eyes is real.

Which shout out the animators for making that very apparent.

It's also very apparent in Eberwolf's expression as well. The expressions just say so much and tell so much of the story between the two that we don't get to see. We get shown and not told...Even if we weren't shown in a more direct way.

Saw this in another post but the scenes following where Eberwolf and Darius appear, also imply pretty heavily that when the spell started working, Eberwolf wanted to run to Darius. But he was in too much pain himself to make it over to him.

Darius knew they were all going to die if he didn't do anything but he chose not to anyway because the pain of losing Eberwolf right in front of him in such a terrible way stopped him. Darius let his fear of loss of someone he really cared about potential damn everyone on the isles. Another flaw, but another important note to tack onto his character.

Like yes, he would have saved everyone else but he probably would have caused him more heartache that he couldn't handle. He'd already been through a lot losing his mentor (and his best friend/possible love interest, but oh we will get to you, Alador Blight.), and this kind of implies that he probably couldn't do it again.

Though Darius acts smart and kind of logical, he's very driven by his emotions, his love and grief in particular, seemingly.

That being said, let's move on from Eberwolf. We're going to skip the obvious for now, and go onto why Darius is probably the best coven head or at least in the running next to Raine.

I'd like to let you all know that the abomination coven is pretty consistently stacked. Not only do they have Principal Bump, who has been shown to be a powerful which in his own right from his debut episode, but Alador, who's Darius' rival yes...But it's pretty lightly implied that Darius and Alador had shared their innovations and interests in abominations when they were younger. Alador probably knows some of what he knows from Darius. Though you could probably say the same the other way around, Alador didn't end up becoming the coven head. Darius is obviously the more skilled abomination user of the two.

Then you have up and coming prospects like Amity who's consistently been shown to be pretty powerful.

Willow even says in "I Was A Teenager Abomination":

"There are better opportunities on this track." when referring to the abomination tract at school.

Now don't get me wrong, coven system = bad. But I don't think the sense of community the coven system provides for witches is ALL bad.

I think the implication here, though subtle, is that Darius is fostering probably the most powerful coven in the entire system.

He's investing and nurturing new prospects. He's providing opportunities for witches in his coven that other covens are not. Darius truly cares about his community. He truly cares about his craft and furthering it through communal growth. He even wrote a book to show his knowledge with the people of the isles.

Darius has been shown to be on of the few characters who can change his form. He does this at will (seemingly) without the help of a curse of any kind. Darius is just powerful enough to change into an abomination monster and he's the only character who can do it. Which is impressive considering how stacked the rest of the abomination users in the show are.

Even Alador has made pretty rad innovations to the craft, even if Darius doesn't completely agree with them.

I also want to say that this points to Darius maybe being a engineer like Alador...but to contrast Alador being a mechanical one he's a genetic engineer, and that might be what's going on with his form. But that's again, pure speculation just from his seemingly opposite theming to Alador.

So it seems like Darius is also a good leader. One with a sense of duty and nurturing towards his community.

Now last but not least...

Let's fucking talk about.

AlaDarius.

Man I have so much to fucking say about these two HOLY SHIT.

They are literally only on screen together like 4 times and it's in the epilogue but just the implications we get from the little breadcrumbs we do have...Oh man.

So Darius and Alador were friends. We can prove that. They seemed to be on good teams in "Thems the Breaks, Kid." Alador talking to Darius and laughing once he flicks some abomination goo onto his face. With Odalia observing, unfortunately.

There's a lot that can be inferred by this. I don't think Odalia was always like she is now. But power, and maybe the prospect of it, corrupts. There's a lot that could have happened between these three.

Some theories:

It's possible that Odalia didn't have as many prospects as Darius or Alador coming up. Which might be why she pursued Alador in the first place. Alador's family has money, Odalia has a manipulative business sense, Alador is socially awkward and probably can't conduct business as well so that maybe got her in good with his family.

Maybe she even manipulated Alador into loving her over Darius by whispering lies in his ears and fueling the rivalry between them. Maybe she got Alador to push Darius away.

There's also the prospect that Alador's marriage to Odalia was arranged for whatever reason. Maybe his parents also told him to push Darius away because of that because they knew Alador and Darius were catching feelings for each other. Alador could have thought that this was normal and had a sense of duty to his family that he put over his love for Darius.

This could also be why he was okay with Odalia telling Amity to cut ties with Willow. Alador may have been forced to do the exact same thing.

And we've already established that when Darius cares about someone, he cares about them very hard. He loves and he loves deep. He already lashed out at Hunter because he loved his mentor so deeply, so why wouldn't he lash out at Alador for essentially abandoning him?

I think it's very clear that Darius loved Alador. Maybe he still does after all these years considering how he acted in the epilogue.

I mean look at him.

He shakes Alador in excitement and pride and pulls away all embarrassed. Pretending he still doesn't have feelings. He even like, touches his chest it's insane and insanely cute. Alador not knowing how to feel is also funny because he probably thinks Darius had either let go of his feelings or he's just surprised that he'd show him any kind of affection after everything.

I also have a theory that Darius possibly been wanting to reconnect with Alador for years. I think the rebellion and wanting to protect Alador from possibly getting threatened if he himself got caught might be a reason. It also might be anxiety. Maybe he's scared Alador might find a reason to abandon him again. Maybe he's actually actively traumatized by that prospect and he has work through it (god I wish this show had more time). Maybe it's all habit at this point too. He's just used to pushing Alador away at this point. Hell, maybe he even thinks that Alador should just be focusing on his children considering their mother is no longer in the picture and they're all healing as a family and he feels like that has nothing to do with him.

There's a lot of speculation.

I'm willing to bet SOME of this is right.

I also don't think this should be downplayed considering that Darius never mentions Odalia when seeing the abomaton in "Eda's Requiem." He didn't have to say anything at all but he's so hurt and so petty about being hurt by Alador SPECIFICALLY that he tells Kikimora to tell him that he's a hack.

There's something going on and I want to know what it is and I'm 80% sure that it's romantic.

I also want to also point out that we see Alador and Darius standing together in the very last shot of the show.

Like they do genuinely look like a family unite here and I truly appreciate it. It might take some time but but that's alright. I think they can figure it out. I think they genuinely can mend their relationship with each other since Darius was able to mend his with Hunter and Alador with his children.

They're both so flawed and had to grow in similar aspects. They're both so different but have these little bridges that truly connect them. Their love for abominations. How they both weren't the best father figures at first but learned to be better for their kids.

There's a lot of undertones with this relationship I truly enjoy.

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT HIS DESIGN.

I've been writing this essay for over 3 hours so I'm going to try to make this fast.

I won't go into how Darius is very effeminate Disney villain again, so I'll jump straight into his color palette.

Darius has 5 basic colors/shades in his design.

Black: Black invokes a few things. They all kind of pertain to Darius. Black can mean mystery. His past is very mysterious. He's basically a spy, which are mysterious. Black can also mean elegance and power. He loves fancy clothes and is very powerful.

Purple: Darius has a few shades of purple on him. This can be a nod to his craft as the abomination coven head. Purple also invokes regality which might be a nod to his influence in the witch community at large. Though not a ruler, he does have a presence that does seem almost like royalty. It's also the color of imagination. The abominations are somewhat like living sculptures, like art, eluding to imagination. He also sews, probably making his own outfits, which is a very creative endeavor. Purple also invokes compassion, enlightenment, and encouragement. It's also attached to those who are emotional and sensitive and sometimes immature.

Green: Green is a fantastic contrast to purple. I'm guessing this is why Darius' eyes were changed from purple to green. It made more sense with his design and gave it a bit more pop. While green is the color of envy (possibly eluding to his possibly jealousy of Odalia and Alador's relationship), it's also the color of judgement (again, looking at Alador) and materialism (my man loves his clothes). The positive side to this is green representing healing and growth as well. They represent things that Darius needs to let go and things that he actually needs.

Gold: Gold represents luxury, success, triumph, and loyalty. I feel like that's all pretty self explanatory considering all I've discussed so far. Darius studied hard under the olden guard to be successful, he triumphant and became the coven head, he's loyal to everyone he loves and his community. And he does enjoy a bit of luxury, too. :)

White: White actually means a lot of things. The ones I think pertain to Darius most are actually cleanliness, coldness, and purity believe it or not. Obviously he likes to be clean. Coldness because of how distant he starts towards Hunter, and how he maybe pushing away certain people because he doesn't want them getting hurt if he gets found out in the rebellion. This cold also be why his gloves are white. They're a symbol of his coldness over his hands. His coldness keeps him from touching other's, literally. It keeps him distant. Now purity maybe the surprising one here, but it's most so about his intentions, and his sense of duty, and his need to protect. Those things all come from a pure place, a pure good. Even if he himself isn't pure good. It's still in him. Also shout out to perfection as a meaning too but it's not confirmed but he seems like the type who would be a perfectionist.

Overall, his palette actually tells you everything you need to know about him. His silhouette is also pretty memorable. You can look at just that and know, yeah THAT'S Darius Deamonne. You can also tell little things about him from his silhouette through his posture and shapes of his clothes.

I'll also briefly mention his name.

Darius is a name of Persian/Greek/Latin Origin. It means "possessing goodness". And man that feels like a dead giveaway for him not being a bad guy once I type it now. The name can also mean "rich/king like" which...TRUE. And also it can mean "he who holds firm to good". Which is also true. It's also a very popular name among Black folks in the US.

Deamonne is... A little more complicated. It's both French and Greek oddly enough. There's not a lot about this name out there, honestly. Usually when you look it up on google most of the results pertain to well...Darius himself.

Deamonne might be a reference to the word daemon, itself a previous form of the word "demon"...But Daemons themselves are pretty different. The Greek meaning of the word seems to be "A divinity who or supernatural being of a nature between gods and humans." I wonder if MAYBE it's a nod to his status of being able to transform into abomination matter, making him maybe a hybrid or somewhere between being a witch or abomination? Who knows? Hard to say with this one.

I guess that's it! Maybe I'll reblog with an update if I can think of more. But this is my genuine exploration of why Darius means so much to me and why he deserved way better than he got.

These are all breadcrumbs really, and that's what makes his story so, so alluring. Because if they could tell this much with this little, I wonder what the could have showed us if he had even just a full episode to himself.

Here's the tl;dr with all the important points:

Darius probably had a bigger part to play in the Owl House's plot that got cut because of it's cancelation.

Darius' main driving emotion and motivation seems to be love.

Darius may have been planning to betray Belos for longer than we thought.

Darius is probably very scared of losing someone he loves again.

Darius come off as a little cold and distant because of those fears.

He'd lay down his life for people he loves.

He might be the best coven head in terms in leadership.

His color scheme and name lay out his character pretty bare.

I'm sure there's more here but thanks for reading. Sorry this ran long. I actually probably forgot some things in the summery above because I've been writing this for hours.

Have a good day and remember:

I'd give my soul and all my money for a Darius Deamonne spin off.

[love-kurdt]

What are your all time favourite fanfics from each genre: fluff, smut, and agnst? <3

oh lord, this is TOUGH. i’ve read thousands of fanfics in my life and it’s borderline impossible for me to choose 😭

i can’t rlly separate them into genres per se bc most of them are multi chapter novel-length fics, but i will if applicable!

i’m not a huge fan of condensing entire works into a single word!!! authors work too hard for their writing to be trope-ified like that! so if any of the writers come across this post, please know that i would write fucking essays about these fics if y’all asked.

and one last disclaimer: i’m currently on my phone with limited cell service in europe and can’t jump between tabs to check peoples’ separate tumblr and ao3 usernames, so i’ve tagged who i know off the top of my head!!

so here are my top 10 (in no particular order, just listing what comes to mind first)

“in the sun” (kurt cobain x OC) by ugh-nirvana on wattpad. it has been my favorite fanfiction of all fucking time; i read this at least once a year. primarily fluff and angst, but it follows the OC and kurt through high school and into adulthood. the author and i are actually friends now bc we wrote two of the most popular kurt cobain x OC fics on wattpad 😭🖤

“the windows of this love” (byler angst) by delusional together (Whyyyyy) on ao3. phenomenal story, i cry every time i read it, and i’ve read it so many times it’s kind of a problem lmaooo. it was also one of my inspirations for TIMT.

“that blue gibson” (dave grohl x OC) by thatbluegibson on wattpad. a literal masterpiece. cute, romantic, fluffy, spicy, all of the above.

“the rawest desire (in it’s friendliest form)” (byler smut) by bangingbiddies on ao3. they have a very apropos username; this fic had me slamming my laptop shut multiple times and screaming at my cat. probably the best smut i’ve read tbh.

“i’m a wreck (without you here)” (byler angst) by @oldfashionedmorphine on ao3. INSANE. BEAUTIFUL. LYRICAL. i cannot praise this story highly enough, it’s one of my favorite byler fics of all time. alcoholic mike wheeler is my favorite mike wheeler ngl.

“second chances and dances” (byler angst/fluff) by @foodiewithdahoodie on ao3!!!! i’m a huge sucker for dad mike fics, and this one is *chefs kiss*

“lost without you” (byler angst/fluff) by julia_skysong on ao3. another dad mike fic i actually just finished for the 3rd fucking time in the past 6 months. i recommend reading this whole series, it’s so well written (and is still being written!!).

“fence sitter” (byler smut) by pinkcash on ao3. exactly what the title suggests. sensually spicy and severely suspenseful.

“boy in my class [gerard way]” by lilyrose93 on wattpad. it’s a gerard way x OC. very cute, very cliche, but if you’re looking for ✨fluff✨, this is it. and listen, i know writing about real people who are still alive is kinda weird but like… this one is serious, ok??? 💀

“tell me i’m a bad man” by therevengeparade on wattpad. along the same lines as the one before this— it’s teacher/student frerard. very messy, very smutty, top tier drama. if it helps at all, this was probably my initiation to gay fanfic. so… thanks therevengeparade!!! love u!!!

-

happy reading, friends 🥰🖤✨

[oatflatwhite]

Absolutely feel free to not answer but I was wondering how you grew more comfortable being aro/ace? I’m 22 and ace (maybe aro too idk) and I recently ended an on again off again relationship and I am questioning if I ever felt anything towards him in the first place. Im kinda scared bc I love romance but idk if I’ll ever experience it? I wish I was as secure as you seem to be. Thank u in advance 🙂

hey anon :) thank you for reaching out! it's a really hard feeling to come to grips with so i hope i can help in at least a small way.

id'ing as aroace has been quite the journey for me. i've known i was ace for the longest time, but there was a period of several years where i denied even that (thanks 2016 tumblr discourse). eventually i realised that certain feelings would just never happen to me and that was ok - because i could still have romance, right? well!

i think it was around 2021 i kind of thought hold on. i've lived 23 years on this goddamn earth and don't think i've ever had a real romantic feeling/urge for someone who wasn't a fictional character/someone i didn't "force" myself to like because everyone in high school has crushes, right? so i thought about it and just went oh. oh! and it almost felt as though a weight came off my shoulders. like, yes, i was fucking bummed to realise i would probably never fall in storybook love. but there was this sense of a burden i could unshoulder because suddenly i wasn't beholden to the need to find that love, you know? i could just. be me. and even though it might make me sad sometimes, it's enough.

since then i've been up and down about it, absolutely. i even had a brief period last year where i convinced myself i actually did like this guy in real life! through a comedy of errors i realised that romance in my head was fine but any kind of real life interaction in that vein made me sick to my stomach fr lol. (for real! he had to drive me home in my own goddamn car bc i felt so ill.) i still get upset about it sometimes too. i mean, all i write is romance. i read and watch a lot of romance too. romance is every fucking where and it is so ingrained to be a part of everyone's lives that to try and distance yourself from it in order to feel more comfortable not feeling it is. virtually impossible.

where i am right now, 26 years old, 10 years into my ace journey and about 3 into my aro one, is here: i like my life. i love my friends. i can't force myself into a feeling that i will never have. and maybe at times i will be lonely and sad about it, but building a community has helped so much. whether that's with other aro/ace people, or just your friends or family or anyone else you trust with this. because romantic love =/= personal fulfilment, happiness, success. we've just been told it does. it just takes work to make yourself believe otherwise.

and it's ok to be sad about it. but even if you feel lonely, you're not alone.

also, because i'm nothing if not a girl who loves a bibliography, i would recommend checking out these sources:

loveless by alice oseman

ace: what asexuality reveals about desire, society and the meaning of sex by angela chen

this essay by k.a. cook

and pinging a couple blogs with some good aro resources, though i'm sure there's more out there! @aroworlds @arowitharrows

[astranite]

*grumble rant mostly complaining in a big block paragraph chucked out to the void* executive dysfunction issues feel so ridiculous because even when i know exactly what step i need to do next— read the articles for uni essay. Why i need to do it— so i have a base from which to figure out a thesis (look that might cause problems in What am i arguing, but thats a solvable issue if i can focus enough to fix it) to do the rest of the next steps. And how— i have no trouble reading or analysing complex texts. None of that fixes the Cannot Concentrate problem. The articles arent even boring and i like learning new things and im the sort of person know to literally read random bits of textbooks for fun. And i Want to do it. Because i like reading and writing and analysing stuff even above it being important for uni work. But ive spent the afternoon scrolling tumblr, checked my email thrice, left bite marks on my good pen, and literally stared at a blank wall rather than read the article on my screen even when i put away the aforementioned tumblr so now i want to scream. And it makes it difficult to ask for help because people assume its one of the other problems as they aren’t familiar with brain literally wont do it. And being “”clever”” doesnt help (even putting aside the frustrating fact that I couldve done this at 15 and done well and wouldve liked it) because its an entirely different thing (uncannily good pattern recognition and Details and long term memory for facts lead to analytical skills because everything ever is a giant interconnected web, but to focus they do not.) And the classic advice of ‘dont be a perfectionist’ which somehow people also go to isn’t actually what is happening here. The reason things are either in a not even submittable note or its living in my head stage or straight up noting then completed to high level (typos and formatting editing aside as at the last minute those are predictably first to go in the calculation of time to marks) is because the gap of executive function between nothing and even done at all is very large but the subsequent gap between done and done well is limited. My very particular flavour of autistic adhd coming through yet?

So hence rather frustrated especially as here i am trying to do the responsible thing of not starting at the last minute because the research alone will Take Time. And given its the final essay I would prefer not to entirely fuck it up. But ah well, so it will begin again trying tomorrow. Probably is character development that im going to Go On A Walk instead of continuing to bang my head against it.

If anyone read this far ✨Welcome to my brain✨

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Shipper Tag Game

I was tagged in this game by @twig-tea, appreciate the tag but also bestie this is so many questions.

1. What ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don't care anymore?

Is this the part where I have to confess to being a superwholockian in my past? I no longer care about JohnLock or DeanCas, the evil is defeated!

2. Which ship would you consider your first one?

Oh it was almost certainly Beast Boy and Raven from Teen Titans

3. Your first fanfic belonged to which couple?

Magnus Bane x Alec Lightwood from Shadowhunters, I wrote a bunch of fanfics for them when I was younger. I did not anticipate how many views I would get on a couple of them, so that was cool! (shameless plug to check out my AO3 account, Sent2TheBeast. Unfortunately most of my fics are now locked due to how people feed content to AI software)

4. Do you remember the first couple you saw a fanart over?

Do I actually remember? No. Was it most likely something from Harry Potter or Supernatural? Yeah.

5. Did you ever get into ship discourse?

Baby, I write BL essays on tumblr, I think the minute I posted my first analysis I was signing up to ride the discourse wave.

6. Did you used to have any no-otp or have it currently?

Honestly any incestuous plot lines I am typically very against: Wincest, Brallie, etc.

7. Who were the couple in the last fanfic you read?

I read a beautifully written VegasPete fic by the wonderful @ginnymoonbeam

8. Currently, do you have any OTPs?

How much time do you have? Kurosawa x Adachi/Karan x Achi; Togawa x Nozue; Minoru x Yutaka; PatPran; MorkTawan; Han Baram x Im Hantae; Shin Ki Tae x Lee Wan; Kenji x Shiro; etc etc etc

9. Is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together?

Not that I can think of, but I will just give a generic shout out to all the queer baiting of old. BUT I DO HAVE COUPLES I AM EXTREMELY MAD ABOUT GETTING TOGETHER. AkkTheo and SandRay I am looking at you!!!

10. Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting?

I will give this one to @bengiyo. I was not a fan of Korn and Intouch from Until We Meet Again because of how one-sided the relationship seemed to me. But conversations with Ben gave me deeper insights in to Korn and have had me reconsidering my impression of that relationship.

11. Do you have any ship that, in the past, was considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

Tony DiNozzo and Ziva David would almost certainly get me cancelled considering Ziva's service history in Israel. Glad I was able to free myself of the cop/military propaganda that is NCIS when I entered high school.

12. What was your favorite crack ship?

I don't really embrace the crack culture, I am not a huge fan of crack vids, crack fics, crack ships

13. Who is the couple you read more fanfics of?

Of all the couples I read fanfics for, I think Malec from Shadowhunters was probably my most frequently read.

14. What most of your ships usually have in common?

I feel like 99% of the ships that have wormed their way in to my brain to the point of obsession (aka me making fan art, writing fics, etc) lies in the complexity and opposition of character's to one another. For example:

In Shadowhunters, the tension between Magnus being a warlock and Alec being a Shadowhunter and how they navigate the fact that The Institute and his own family have caused and continue to cause active harm to Magnus and the other Downworlders.

In Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom, the extremely contradictory nature of Kaz Brekker's existence and how that impacts his relationship with and to Inej. I wrote a number of Kanej fics because I could not stop thinking about the fact that Kaz and Inej want to touch each other, want to be intimate with each other, and their extensive trauma makes that damn near impossible.

In Pushing Daises, the inability to touch, the tension between loving someone so much and knowing that to touch them would be to kill them is just so fascinating.

In The Old Guard, Joe and Nicky having been together for 900 years when we meet them so you wouldn't think there is a complex tension there per say, but they were on opposite sides of The Crusades and had to work through that to cultivate a literally eternal love. And not just that (honestly less so that) but the tension between their line of work as mercenaries, their immortality, and knowing that one day, completely unannounced that immortality will stop. I could not stop thinking about how many times those two have had to watch each other die, waiting and wondering if their lover would come back to life this time around.

In Bad Buddy, Pat and Pran not only having to navigate their relationship with the incredibly antagonistic relationship between their parents but Pat having to parse through all these years of competition, hatred, fighting, to understand that all this time he's loved Pran.

gif by @barrowsteeth 15. What do you absolutely hate in a ship?

Lack of reciprocity. This is not to say the relationship has to be completely balanced. I don't think that it is a realistic possibility that every aspect of a romantic relationship exists in perfect harmony. But I've written about this before, my theory as to why so many BL boys get sick, in order to allow the person who has received more of the support throughout the show to care for their partner. I am a very outspoken Enchante anti because I hate Theo so fucking much. Theo's incompetency and Akk's incessant need to help him got Akk fired from his job, Theo lied about Enchante, and Theo moved back to France and made Akk work on his own to earn enough money for a motherfucking plane ticket to France. None of that being marketed as romantic is okay with me.

tagging: @emotionallychargedtowel, @neuroticbookworm, @telomeke, @negrowhat, and @solitaryandwandering

[darkness-and-books]

DW opinion time

spoilers for the latest episode below the cut

So scrolling through tumblr after I watched the episode (because I always am nosey and wanna know what other people thought), it looks basically like an echo chamber of the same two or three opinions (there are probably more but the algorithm shows you the most popular ones first). Those opinions were:

“You can’t like Ricky, Ricky’s racist”

”Ricky can’t be racist, he was so nice/hot”

“I love that Lindy is just a terrible person through and through, like no redemption”

Here’s where I’m gonna go full essay on this shit and address everything.

There was this one opinion I read (I’m sure it’s other places but this is the one I saw) that said that basically Ricky was the white version of the doctor to show that Lindy would have listened to the Doctor if he was white. And I disagree, I’ll get to that in a moment though.

I read another (I really couldn’t find the post I found this opinion in again, I tried, but I lost it to cyberspace) that said that Lindy was more willing to Ruby because she’s white; once more I disagree, I think she’s more willing to listen to Ruby because she just starts with better people skills. The Doctor basically starts with “Hi, you’re gonna die” whereas Ruby pretends to be taking a survey and is like “by the way I love your top”.

Then I read one that breaks down a very passive interaction between Ricky and the Doctor. This feels like an interpretation thing, I really didn’t see it this way. I even went back and watched the interaction again, to me this sorta smile-and-look-away combo was more of a bashful/humility thing because he does it after the Doctor says something along the lines of “a clever boy too” (something of that manner).

Now for my opinion:

Personally I didn’t see it as racism, I saw classism. I mean, yeah sure, all the people in FineTime are white, but colour isn’t the barrier here, the barrier is economic (which I suppose somewhere further back on the line does imply racism, yada yada.. tangent for another time and not really the main point here). Lindy even says that it’s just the rich kids that are here (not exactly what she said but that’s the basis).

I also think that people put too much into whether or not Ricky’s a good person, he’s really only there to help move the plot along. He doesn’t have any background except that he’s also rich, his last name is actually Coombe (and C comes before P), and he’s famous. That’s it, he’s not got a properly fleshed out character.

I don’t think that outside of fanfiction we’ll ever find out what kind of a person Ricky September is. So I guess we just have to decide for ourselves on that one.

Me, personally, I like Ricky, but that’s because I read him the way I wanted to. People I think have all read him based on their experiences which is why despite not really having proper character work for him, we’ve all made decisions about who he is to us. I’ve personally decided that, maybe he does hold some of the same prejudices as his peers, but I think he’s really open minded and wants to learn stuff. I think he’s chill, I mean man really said he puts down the bubble and reads, basically “yeah, I touch grass”. So yeah 👍.

I’d love to take any legitimate arguments/comments/questions about it. I love proper debate/conversation 😊