#my heart hurts at the idea

[nyf-archive]

@intothewildsea asked | he wants me. just me

The aasimar would narrow her eyes, her brow knits together tightly as her eyes flicker to that of the man who inhabits the body of the one that they adore. There is almost an audible growl that leaves her lungs, her lip almost curling at the idea of that bastard of a soul laying a hand on Niamh. Yes, she knew it was still Molly's body, but the soul that inhabited their shell now? No. This was not allowed to happen.

"You can't. I know that it's them, technically, but you can't risk that. You can't soil that activity with that." She argues, her brow furrowing as she shakes her head. "You can't go with him...it's not safe. Molly would kill me if I let you go, please, Niamh..." she takes her hand in hers, giving it a tight squeeze. "...I want Molly back just as bad...but there's no guarantee...and I don't want you to lose those memories to him."

[mkgch]

hermitshipping / trafficshipping

(info under the cut)

ddvau

au made by @xmaruu11 @kitsuneisi

heart forecast/kokoroyohou by eve

editing by me :3c

[yayll]

~ a little something about the complicated way you and Dazai acknowledge each other's feelings ~

"We can't let it end like this. We simply can't."

"Dazai, what are you talking about? I'm literally just going on my lunch break."

"... I'll find a way for us to be together! Someday!"

You've been bickering back and forth with him ever since you stepped foot in the agency this morning, or more like he's been performing a whiney one sided narrative that you and your co-workers are more than familiar with. Though it's only ever directed at you. The confusing declarations of love, the lack of personal space, and then there are the days he won't even look or speak to you at all. It was emotional whiplash, but you did your best to drown out the feelings he evoked in you.

Dangerous ones you wouldn't dare indulge in, because if so, you get the feeling your heart would never recover from a man like Dazai. You grab your wallet, and push in your desk chair when he calls out to you once more in a much more serious tone, one that sounds bored.

"If you must leave, will you please pick up something on your way back for me?"

"What is it this time?"

"Bandages, I suppose"

He says that like it's an afterthought, like he couldn't care less for whatever he was asking for.

He's been asking you to go on odd little shopping trips for him for weeks now, and you being the dog you are, say yes every single time. You think about how Dazai loathes dogs. It makes you physically ill the way you feel about him. Whatever it is. You nod, and reply softly.

"Okay. Sure."

"So compliant! If I didn't know any better l'd say you're madly in love with me. Should we run off into the sunset and get married?"

You simply stare at his sardonic smile for a long while, and he stares back. It's like you're sending each other psychic waves, secret messages only you two could decode. Only you two could fathom. He stares into you with that piercing gaze of his, the one that might as well call you an idiot for ever thinking there's a real person behind his heavenly face. His eyes are pretty, they make yours feel dull in comparison. After a while, a faint half smile creeps onto your lips, trying to feign the same indifference as his. You fail, obviously.

"Mm, sounds too hopeful, even for you."

"Yikes! Right you are. Commitment. How awful.... No one wants that kind of trouble."

Dazai states cruelly, leaning back into his chair at his desk, arms crossed. He has to bite down to keep from smiling and giggling like a fool, as this is exactly what he wishes would happen.

His heart flutters for a brief moment at the visual of such a fantasy, such privilege to have you forever. He knows how badly you secretly want this too, but he doesn't plan on putting you out of your misery just yet. Shame on you to think of him as a real person who's allowed to pursue the things he wants! He continues when he sees you've gone completely silent, standing with your keys in your hand like a mannequin.

"Besides, I'm sure you've met plenty of other guys that are far more suitable for you. I mean, look at me, I used to be a criminal." He winks at you, hinting at his sketchy past. He's such a fantastic performer when he's at his worst.

"... And no one wants that kind of trouble, right?" You echo his past words back to him, once again failing to match his rejection.

"Oh you wretched little creature. Right again!"

You can't take much of this any longer, smiling politely as you simply turn around, and walk out of the agency. Your eyes sting.

Dazai just sits there, staring at the door, counting the seconds until you're back. He rests his chin on his palm, unblinking. He taps his fingers on the desk, and lets out a deep sigh. It's all he does, all he looks forward to every single day you leave.

You finally come back nearly an hour later, carrying a small bag and leftovers from your lunch. He lights up like the moon during the clearest night sky, and stands up immediately. His demeanor completely changes as he flashes you a delighted grin, rushing to you.

"You're back~"

"Yeah, here are your bandages."

"My what?"

"The bandages you asked for..?"

His eyes widen for a moment, and then he chuckles, shaking his head. He flicks his own forehead.

"Of course! Thank you. Now, may I have the receipt as well?"

He looks excited, his open palm cupped in front of you, as if you were giving him a treat. You raise a brow and shrug, handing him the crumpled piece of paper. You don't even question it anymore. He frowns. You think he looks like a disgruntled little kid.

"Ugh. You wrinkled it."

"What? Why does it matter?"

"Well I obviously wanted to keep it, silly goose."

You try to make sense of what he could possibly mean, and you decide it's not worth getting into. You can't afford the heartache nor the brain cells.

"That's the weirdest thing you've ever asked me."

"Not true. I've never asked you for a kiss~"

You almost drop to the floor with the way his eyes darken, despite his tone being the complete opposite. You stare at him yet again for what feels like ages, your heart set ablaze, with Dazai being the pyromaniac who won't let your embers die out of his own amusement. Your voice comes out low, meek.

"Well I'm clearly not the person you dream of, so no."

You could swear his awful smirk falls off just a tiny bit, but any evidence of that is gone in a blink of an eye. His voice comes out soft and laced with a hint of honeyed bitterness.

"And if you weren't, l'd dream of you anyway."

He mutters under his breath as he looks out the window, as if you weren't supposed to hear that. the sun is slowly setting and the moon will illuminate soon after. He wishes he could see what you look like at night.

You roll your eyes because if you don't, you'll bury your face in his chest and sob. Oh, he's the worst. You put on your best cynical voice followed by a scoff.

"That's lovely, Dazai."

"You look lovely." He states simply, still looking at the way the moon ghosts in the sky.

"... Thank you."

"It's my pleasure." He murmurs, solemnly. In that moment, you don't catch it, but he's telling you he loves you too.

And just like that, you slowly walk past him and sit at your desk. You might have a stroke, but you still have reports to finish.

Dazai quietly does the same, sitting down and opening a drawer, and then a secret compartment within it. He glances at you for a moment, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he flashes you an exaggerated smile when you catch him looking, then turns his attention back down, the smile dropping.

He places the wrinkled receipt into a larger stack of countless other receipts, all from past errands you've run for him lately. He smoothes it carefully, for it is a priceless sentiment amongst his collection of the things you so graciously give him. It's pathetic, but it's like holding your hand. It's like kissing you. It's like true love.

[citadelofmythoughts]

[sysig]

“It could be that the loss of her children drove the Queen deeper into her darker desires...but, I don’t believe she was fighting against them that hard before that particular tragedy. No monster does.” (Patreon)

Bonus:

Hmm, wonder what he could cover those holes with :3c

[kugisakiss]

miss steal your girl

[deoidesign]

I've been told my comic feels like it was written by AI.

I suppose I'm not trying to be groundbreaking. I'm not interested in pioneering genres. I'm not writing for the purpose of literary analysis.

But written by AI...?

I'm already someone who has my humanity questioned. My identity erased. My existence disrespected. It could be worse. Anything could be worse.

But AI?

I spend weeks writing single scenes, toiling over the implications of single lines. I have goals. My writing has intent.

If you cared to read deeper, perhaps you'd see the themes. Maybe then you'd see the value. If you tried to analyze it maybe you'd see something there.

Maybe you'd see me.

Someone told me my comic seemed like it was written by AI.

And my humanity was denied one step further in that my voice was not seen in the work I've poured years of my life into.

[strwbrryfire]

dog at door, tail in between my legs. endlessly anticipating.

i. you cooked for me by caitlin conlon / ii. chesapeake by better oblivion community center / iii. moon song by phoebe bridgers / iv. la vie pensive by louise breslau / v. the old shepherd's chief mourner by edwin landseer / vi. same as ii

[hansmannette]

kiss for you, kiss for me!!! 💋

[nyuheartbreak]

I-Isafrin.....kissing. pweese.

sure anonymous... ty for being the 2nd person even to put something in my inbox inbox is still open (and will always be open) so... kicks my legs like a highschool girl

[izuizzy]

I’m always drawing him in pain so have an AU where he’s actually good and his smile is actually PRECIOUS

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

thinking abt these two again. i need to be sedated

knight!sugu who sacrifices you to save the world thinking he has no other choice. who instantly becomes enveloped by a guilt so heavy it crushes him.

prince!gojo who sacrifices the world to save you with a smile on his face. who tells you to find him in your next life as he watches the stars go out one by one.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

SO. TO KICK OFF THE WEEK OF SPECULATION BEFORE THE UPDATE DROPS.

last night i had a bit of a Revelation. literally. i borderline woke up in a cold sweat with this realization. the way i lunged for my laptop to scream at friends... ough. lets get into it

so. i do believe I've made a couple of theory posts about Barnaby not being quite as receptive to his and Wally's "forced" best friendship as Wally - since the show wrote them to be friends instead of it happening naturally. i thought it might be a point of tension for Barn. i thought a lot.

YES SO I'M TOSSING (almost) ALL OF THAT OUT THE WINDOW!

the bios state Barnaby as Wally's best friend multiple times over. it had to be regularly reinforced. their colors were chosen to mark them as friends.

but Barnaby - presumably - can't see the bios, he wouldn't know the scripts. the friendship would be natural from his perspective. how would he know otherwise? even if the relationship started out synthetic, i don't doubt that it became genuine. in the context of their world and perceptions, realistically speaking Barnaby probably wouldn't sense anything wrong.

the reminders to be best friends weren't for Barnaby.

they were for Wally.

i'm starting to suspect that Wally is Barnaby's best friend, but Barnaby isn't Wally's. i think that Wally's "best friend" is Home - or at least Wally has a closer connection to them / Home is more important to Wally than anyone else is.

i remember reading this livestream trivia (from theneighborhoodwatch's doc, if you haven't their resources yet what are you even doing?):

and i assumed it was for Barnaby's side of the relationship. but it's not, is it? it's Wally's? and it makes too much fucking Sense! it fits! i can see it perfectly! i can feel things slotting together in my mind due to this shift in perspective, and i'm scared

Barnaby probably thinks the relationship is natural, just like how he thinks he's a real person in a real world. Wally probably knows that the relationship is a role, just like how he knows he's a puppet in a false reality.

that leaves me wondering how much of it is genuine on Wally's side. i don't doubt that they really are friends, but how deep does that connection go? in the interview, Wally sounded excited/proud about having a best friend, but how much came from a place of feeling, and how much came from a place of Fulfilling The Role? how much of it is performative? how much of it is a mask?

i've been seeing everything differently. Barnaby poses for Wally the most because he has good balance and is good at staying still, not because of favoritism or because he's Wally's best friend. in the 14 (15 including the hidden halloween) audios, Barnaby consistently seeks out Wally and checks in on him. Wally seems more casual about their relationship than Barnaby is.

i'm worried that Wally values Home & You/Us over Barnaby. that Barnaby is second or third place in Wally's heart. that Wally means more to Barnaby than he means to Wally. after all, only one of them needed their relationship to be reinforced on a seemingly regular basis.

i'm confident that Wally cares about / loves Barnaby, but the question is how much? to what extent?

[hellsquills]

You ever think Stan could somehow realize that Fiddleford was messing with his own brain out of experience?

Let me explain

In some AU in which Stan meets Fiddleford a little after the portal incident, I'm sure he was convinced that Fidds was doing some chemical stuff to his brain so he'd forget whatever he was trying to forget. Obviously he couldn't have known about a memory-erasing gun, but my best bet is that he thought Fidds was doing drugs. Not alcohol or weed, since those leave some nasty smell, but rather something like coke, heroin, or meth. I'm sure he's had a load of experience with drug-addicted people, and that's what makes sense in this situation.

HOWEVER, I like to think that he'd be sympathetic at first, since he knows drug use is very often a product of necessity. He tries to get Fidds to help him, but the man is adamant on not turning the portal back on. And Stan thinks "okay, this guy's a little messed up, he's probably had some shit happen to him, but I'll insist, I'll try to change his mind, maybe offer him a helping hand in return". The real problem arises when one day he visits Fidds for his regular "pleasepleaseplease help me with the portal" and Fidds just goes "what portal?"

From this point on, Stan panics. He needs this guy with his mind intact, and he's running out of time. The solution? He kidnaps him to keep him away from the "drugs" until he sobers up and remembers.

[lucy-moderatz]

[finisnihil]

I feel like we as a fandom have misunderstood Jingliu a little bit. Like, she's usually characterized by fanon as like this stern, serious, no-nonsense woman who never smiles and has no humor when that's very much... Not the case?

Like yeah we usually see her with this very cold and stoic attitude but ultimately it's born out of two things: Focus and Mara.

Before the mara, we usually see her in situations where discipline and seriousness is needed. Training young Jing Yuan for military work, steeling herself to kill a mara-infected friend, etc. Those are situations where you need to be focused and on guard.

Post-mara meanwhile, it's literally canon that the mara feeds on emotions and memories. She keeps her's under control using the blindfold and Luocha, but fluctuations in her emotions can make her lose control. Blade is the same way too, when he's not in a situation related to his past he's just kinda chilling, because with Kafka's help, he can keep his emotions and memories under control.

There are times we see Jingliu unwind, like in Ichor of Two Dragons, where when Dan Heng remembers them all drinking together, Jingliu playfully goes "want a rematch? I'm always available!" at Jing Yuan teasing Yingxing and Dan Feng for being sore about losing to her in a match. She's passionate about swords because its her hobby, she enjoys it, that's one of her main parallels with Yanqing.

She isn't some cold and unfeeling monster, she was a woman who lost everything she loved and then lost her humanity. Blade was lucky he was found by the Stellaron Hunters, who see him as human even when he sees himself as just a weapon and try to be gentle and compassionate with him because they care about him. Jingliu had to run after Jing Yuan nearly killed her and wandered by herself for centuries, in pain and lashing out like a wounded animal, until she met Luocha.

We don't see much of Luocha and her dynamic. She sees him at the reunion and says "Take this man away" sure, but she follows it up with "This does not involve him". This is a situation with people who could make her Mara flare. She could be harsh with him because she doesn't care for him or because she's trying to protect him. Maybe she just can't extend the energy to worry about Luocha while trying to keep herself and the situation under control.

Jingliu was a kind woman and if Blade can continue to extend little forms of kindness and love with the SHs, I think she can also care about Luocha just as much. They are in this together for better or worse, and she has to put some trust and faith in him to let him accompany her this far. I'm sure we'll see more of their dynamic going forward, but it's clear she looks upon Luocha with understanding and sympathy, because as she says in one of her voicelines, he's like her and they're both lost and lonely people finding solace in each other in some way.

The overall point is, I wish there was more Jingliu content where we see her laugh, smile, and reach out for somebody because she wants to experience human warmth and connection again.

She wasn't always the mara.