some of the gayest things i did w my girl besties as a kid that haunt me daily even though i'm almost 25
laying on the hot cement of the playground watching the clouds, talking about which boys we'd date in class, and i look over at her and notice how the sun is turning her black hair slightly red in the sun and sigh and say "i wish i were a boy, 'cause then i'd date you"
made a new best friend a little after her who was a year younger than me and i wanted to live inside her skin, a little bit, and went over to her house constantly. i drew her silly art, those weird emo blobs from the mid aughts, and she hung it up on her door. we joked about being married a lot. when i had to move away across the country, one night i was staring up at the moon while listening to a love song and started sobbing wondering if she was also looking at the moon. i never texted her again.
when i was 12 i fell in love with a girl for the first time i knew about. i had just gotten over being weirded out by gay people & when the kids in class started whispering about us being dykes, my teacher called home about it. i cried my eyes out in a red pickup truck with my mom as i told her i was in love with her, but it was fine because she was straight. i was drinking a red slushie.
once with that same girl, we went on a field trip to a nearby science museum. it was within walking distance and she held my hand the whole way, even though we were too old for it. at some point i started swinging her hand and knocking into her and laughing and eventually she just picked me up, put me on her back, and carried me the rest of the way while we laughed. at the museum, she kept finding me and holding my hand again. i went home that night, so giddy, and just kept thinking about her hand in mine and didn't even care about what the rest of the kids were whispering
in february, before that, she'd asked me which girl i had a crush on in class because i'd posted about it on tumblr. it took me a half hour to finally tell her it was her, blushing to my ears as we walked around the perimeter of the playground (we were at a small private school with less than 100 students, so even the middle schoolers got to use the playground), refusing to look at her. she told me she didn't feel like that, but i was still her best friend and she wasn't mad at me or weirded out. if one of us were boys, she said, maybe it would've worked out. her mom moved her back to california at the end of the school year. i never saw her again and she wasn't allowed to talk to me. she messaged me once, years later on here, to tell me i was pretty in a prom dress i'd tried on. she blocked me later.
i wrote down a story about her, a year later, for 8th grade english class. in it, i imagined that she'd never left, and that she'd kissed me while we laid in the grass, mixing up my stories and my life. my teacher looked at me with such a soft sadness and told me it was very beautifully written. she wanted me to submit it to a contest. it won.
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oh 😭 my 😭 god 😭 right person wrong time with early 20s bkg 😭😭😭😭 i think about this all the time and ur recent is shaking in my head. and with how katsuki is just such a one person guy. like he sees you and he KNOWS you’re it for him but he just can’t. still thinks about you, looks out for you. and he tells you to find someone else with the emotional capacity that he doesn’t have, but you’re always in the back of his mind and he never really leaves yours either.
oh my god. yes. that's exactly it. he's such a one person kind of guy. he knows that you are everything he could ever want—and he just can't do it. there's a part of him that wants it soooo bad, but he knows he'll ruin it if he gives it a shot. he knows he can't treat you the way you deserve, can't give you the time he wants, can't open up the way you can. ooohhhhh my god it eats him up but HE DOESN'T STOP YOU from finding other people. quietly sits back and watches it and—he wants you to be happy, he does. he wants someone to treat you the way you should be treated. he wants to see you smile.
but he is always sitting back and watching from afar with his heart in his stomach.
(but—i do think that's the sweetest conclusion, you know ?? 🥺 you go off and you find love and it doesn't work out for whatever reason, doesn't have to be all terrible and heart breaking—it just doesn't happen—and you come back and few years later and katsuki stands a little taller and his skin has a new glow to it and he finds out you're single again and—he's ready, this time 🥺 to give it his all 🥺 can't help but smile to himself because he knew you were the only one for him 🥺)
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