#my mental health is literally a dumpster fire

[becca-alexa]

✨personal so read if you want to✨

the people in my immediate circle all think i'm crazy for saying i'd want to be in a relationship for 2-3 years before talking about marriage and i think they're all insane for it but then i remember the average time from strangers to married for them is around 6 months

[dmercer91]

ebug's sister, dm91

ok, first post where blake is blake!! also, excuse the absolute dumpster fire that is my life, and is the reason that this post is one post and not like 47

last season! (2022-23) part one / part two / part three / part four / part five / part six / part seven / part eight / part nine / part ten / part eleven / part twelve

(2023-24)! part one /

blakefriarr_

liked by dawson1417, adamfantilli and 6,947 others

blakefriarr_: so many things have happened since i last popped up on all your timelines and made them immeasurably better!

this is episode one of season two of i-am-both-the sister-of-the-devils-home-emergency-backup-goaltender-and-also-happen-to-be dating-dawson-mercer-forward-for-the-devils series!

these pictures are in no particular order, because, i am moving into a new place with afore mentioned dawson mercer and have spent the last several weeks making it look like it's not the most depressing back alley murderous apartment any of you have ever laid your eyes on

and apparently, i have a ball ton of stuff!

regardless, here's what i've caught up on;

the entire nhl draft! though i have not acquired any new adoptees, it did come to my attention that the anaheim ducks as an organization did personally victimize me during the 2023 entry draft (they also took a BALLSY amount of time to re-sign bitch one and bitch two. what the literal fuck, dudes). also- if you are seeing this and you need help to flee, blink twice (not you adam) (you know who you are)

2, the entire preseason was also missed while i was one, curing myself from jetlag and the absolute dread of going back to uni and two, moving my egregious amount of shit with a spiteful level of independence. the devils won every preseason game! dawson scored that clusterfuck of a goal on slide two and we also got to see goalie bonks again! (i told you those pics weren't in order and i meant it)

three, (or four, i forgot what came first) quinneth played his first regular season game as captain of the canucks ad they kicked ass against the edmonton dudes. goncrats captain ;p

four (probably) rookie had both his first reg season nhl game AND his birth on the same day! he cried on camera for thousands of viewers and made me question kidnapping his brother and locking him in an abandoned building in ohio (who am i kidding i don't want to be in ohio). the blue jackets have since been doing blue jacket things (losing)

five (it's all blended together these days) the devs started their regular season and now i get to go to the arena and watch in peace as nico makes dumb faces, jack gets into petty scrums and goes to the box (apparently? that ones new.) and dawson does dawson things (be hot)

sixth and finally, assistant coach and captain quinn (he should probably drop a title for his mental health, me thinks) turned 24! i giggled profusely at an edit of him as tracksuit rob. good job on aging, kid 🎉

that's all, i think. (probably not, what do i know)

view 712 comments..

jj.friar31: remember when we were roomies??? siblings defying the odds?? i've been left out to dry. i'm MARINATING in my loneliness. you've basically shot me and left me out for dead, blakey.

→ blakefriarr_: this is a touch dramatic, that's MY thing

→ jj.friar31: if i agree to never steal your dramatics again will you come back

→ blakefriarr_: have u seen how pretty my boyfriend is?? no dude

→ jj.friar31: blake pls

adamfantilli: of every picture you could've used you just decided to screenshot me crying

→ blakefriarr_: hi im blake have we met??

→ adamfantilli: also, do not kidnap luca.

→ blakefriarr_: oh so you just don't want my love?? is that what this is??

→ luca.fantilli: do not kidnap me

→ blakefriarr_: BOOORRRINNNGGGGG

nicohischier: every day i wonder what it would be like if we didn't let the ebug's come into the room

→ blakefriarr_: do you want dawson to be lonely and bitchless

→ nicohischer: yeah kinda??

→ blakefriarr_: oh

jackhughes: why.

→ blakefriarr_ ehehehe your bucket doing weird things

_quinnhughes: ??????? why am i tracksuit rob????

→ blakefriarr_: who else would be tracksuit rob

→ _quinnhughes: nobody needs to be tracksuit rob, friar.

→ _blakefriarr_: WRONG! you do :)

_connorbedard: am i who i are???

→ blakefriarr_: no apparently you are timbaland

→ _connorbedard: oh. okay?

→ adamfantilli: @/_connorbedard you get used to it

→ _connorbedard: do i want to??

→ adamfantilli: eh. 50/50

dawson1417: oh how i've missed the chaos

→ blakefriarr_: fbejdbsjshdghshsb

→ dawson1417: sometimes it's almost like you say words

→ blakefriarr_: :p i love you

→ dawson1417: i love you too, my girl <3

tannercharlotte: this is my reality tv

→ blakefriarr_: i'll leave him for u say the word

→ dawson1417: HEY??

→ blakefriarr_: shhhh baby go sleep

→ tannercharlotte: don't leave him b he doesn't have to know

ryangraves27: she back

→ blakefriarr_: i back!!

nhlblackhawks: ??

→ njdevils: don't '??' her she's right

→ blakefriarr_: thank you (trade for charlie)

→ nyrangers: i can excuse hawks slander but i draw the line at trying to take our char

→ nhlblackhawks: you can excuse hawks slander?

→ jj.friar31: why do teams keep doing this you have ENOUGH leverage over me

trevorzegras: am i bitch one or bitch two

→ trevorzegras: actually yk what don't answer that i don't wanna know

→ blakefriarr_: too bad you're actually both jamie is an angel

view more comments..

[will80sbyers]

I need to vent because I'm really struggling with this reality, I can understand if you're talking about people that have done awful crimes again and again and redemption is really almost impossible after a certain line crossed even if those ppl still shouldn't be tortured or killed imo because they are people too, but putting ignorance and words on the same plane as a soldier going to shoot people in their homes is being completely out of reality to me

how are we supposed to progress and make the world safer when this extreme polarization only pushes people on middle grounds further into those fucked up ideologies from which is difficult to get out because they modify your whole reality?

I honestly don't understand this, this is just about shaming people to submission instead of actually changing their minds making them think and reflect so they can start building from there and have their own critical thinking skills

Criticism is always fair and people should be held accountable about serious things, and you shouldn't be forced to interact with them when you don't want to or don't feel like educating them, I agree with that completely (and that's why I love the blocking button)

but I'm noticing how online we jumped from "holding accountable" to "burn them at the stake and add fuel if they try to make steps to be better" and that's not being a normal person to me

If you do that irl you are becoming a bully whether you like it or not, you would be consciously harassing someone.

And if I had to act like this with the people in my life I would have to literally kill all my relatives and friends because there isn't one that has completely correct ideas about every single thing in the world and I bet it's the same thing for every single person that is doing this on the internet, my own parents have been homophobic in the past because of ignorance, my friends have been too and they are the same age as me

your background influences you and often people are ignorant and don't have others around them that can teach them or have people that continue to teach them wrong things... and now the only way they are being "teached" by the other side is by someone screaming at them that they are the devil and should die... Like, imagine doing that to students in school???? that's not teaching. that's abuse.

I hate this new mentality of labeling all real people that aren't perfect as evil regardless of what they actually did, you just take the thing that they did and distort it to give it a hyper negative meaning and you are 10000% sure they meant that as in how the most evil person on earth would, it CAN'T be ignorance and stupidity it must be cruelty regardless of what one is actually doing

It seems like people just want to push others to have self hating thoughts until they kill themselves at this point especially on fucking Twitter that's just a dumpster fire of abusers pretending to be activists from what I've seen

So many people pretending to care about mental health while ganging up on others constantly

there isn't a measure of things anymore, you don't know how to make a fair critique to someone without using abusing language and people are closing off and going away from the internet because of this, because in real life if you act like a maniacal person screaming at others all the time that they should do something you want them to do while following them around after a certain point they get a fucking restraining order for your ass

[secret-sturniolo]

just a long vent. read (or dont) idc

not that anyone really cares, but i just have some things i need to get off my chest because im currently alone in my room crying in the dark.

let me preface this by saying i dont have any friends. i literally do not have a single person i can talk to. i dont even have a therapist because she just quit. the last friend group i had, i found out they had a secret group chat where they were shit talking and making fun of me. so, the closest thing to friends i have are my 151 followers and the people in this fandom. when i log on here and i see that people have interacted with me or like my works, thats literally the highlight of my day. so to anyone who has talked to me or shown me support, i truly thank you and i love you.

if you met my family, you would think we have it all. my parents own a successful business, they (appear) happily married, and my brother and i have everything we could ever want or need. but heres the truth:

my parents are alcoholics. every night its the same thing. they get drunk, they fight and yell and say nasty things about each other until one of them goes to bed and they sleep in different rooms. im the one who has to mediate things. im the one who has to send my little brother to bed so he doesnt have to hear them. im the one who cleans up the spilled drinks. im the one who drove us to the hotel when my dad was being verbally abusive. and when my mom almost died in the ICU a month ago as a direct result of drinking, i was the one visiting her multiple times a day. i was the one at home doing all of the dishes, all of the laundry, all of the cleaning, and bringing my brother to and from school ON TOP OF my own schoolwork and going to work every evening all because my dad is lazy and doesnt get out of bed until 1pm.

they swore to me that they were done drinking. and when they lasted 3 days and got drunk again, i didnt shame them. i didnt say anything at all. in fact, i showed them support.

wanna guess what i get in return for all of that?

i get told that im the one whos tearing our family apart, that if they get divorced its my fault. that maybe if i was nicer we would have less problems.

and god forbid that i have a bad day sometimes like a normal human being, because then i get accused of not taking my medications.

they also like to act like my mental health problems are harder on them than they are on me as if they didnt literally play a role in me developing them. a year ago i had to go to another state to receive inpatient and residential treatment because i was anorexic and suicidal. let me tell you, thats not a vacation. i have clinically diagnosed ptsd from things i witnessed there. all those times they had to take me to the hospital? yeah, not fun for me either. i promise you, nobody has tubes shoved up their nose just for shits and giggles.

you guys, im only 17. i havent even graduated high school yet. if this is what life is like now, im terrified to be an adult.

i mean it when i say that this fandom keeps me going. it makes me feel appreciated, even just a little. so if you made it to the end of this, thanks for caring enough to read this absolute dumpster fire of a post.

love you all <3

[drifting-pieces-blog-blog]

Out of Jake, Marc and Steven, who do you like best and why?

MCU or comics?

I'm going to long windedly tell you that I actually have a really hard time answering this question because I love them all and it's impossible for me to pick a favorite and then I'm going to try to pick a favorite.

HERE WE GO.

In MCU it's an unfair question because we don't have all the pieces. Literally. We spend a large portion of the time meeting up with the Sass King Steven Grant and following his point of view, which is integral to understanding the story and finding Marc at the same time Steven does. And because Oscar Isaac is amazing, Steven is impossible to hate.

When we meet Marc, we see a broken man that hates himself and who we and Steven don't understand. (Those of us that came in from the comics knew Marc better and knew what to look for and loved him from the start). But then we take a break from Steven and we see Marc and he's a broken dumpster fire and he's awkward and loving. (Thank you Layla for helping to introduce us to Marc in a point of view that wasn't Steven's and allowing us to see him through a lens of love).

And it's easy to point at Marc and dismiss him and write him off as grumpy or not interesting. But Marc is a precious cinnamon roll that deserves love and attention.

We get five minutes tops with Jake Lockley and that's not enough to form an opinion or proper understanding of where they want to take his character. (Season 2 I'm looking at you with the sort of longing you read about in classic poetry).

I literally cannot pick a favorite in MCU. There isn't enough there to say this trait is superior in my personal books to favor. I love Steven's energy and sass and love starved eagerness to be acknowledged and seen. I love Marc's awkward ability to stand there like the kind of idiot that deserves to be given hot cocoa and tucked into bed for trying too hard with a kiss on the forehead.

Now Comics?! Oh boy comics.

I found it hardest to connect to Steven in the comics on my first reading of them. There was a distinct effort to forget Steven in later runs and he got either mishandled or written out all together. No one knew what to do with him after Moench and I can understand that they didn't know what to do with a smart rich philanthropist that wanted to sit around reading the paper and helping out local charity drives. This was a superhero comic, after all.

But Steven is really undervalued by many of the writers. Honestly, it wasn't till Lemire and Smallwood that I suddenly looked at Steven with new eyes and realized that he was more than the cowardly peace lover that just wanted to live rich and in comfort. Going back through Moench this past year I have found a new connection and appreciation for Steven Grant.

Marc Spector? He was my first favorite. He's an idiot that gets things done by punching it as hard as he can. He can't block or duck to save his life and he has a short fuse that's always going off. He's the epitome of dumpster fire that just keeps making the problem worse. He dug till the shovel broke then he went out and rented a backhoe.

But Marc Spector has heart. He's goofy. He's got a wicked sense of humor that makes me laugh. He stands his ground with Spider-Man and Deadpool.

He also respects the characters that get forgotten or made fun of. He helps others with mental health issues. He understands what it means to struggle and he makes it his duty to try. Even when he's being written wrong, you still get a sense of a man that genuinely wants to do better for himself and those around him, but he just is so BAD at it.

Then you have Jake Lockley, man of the people. A goofy softy that just wants to care about those around him and keep them safe. Trouble maker and officially the heart and soul of the system.

New York Cabbie attitude and Jewish humor make for a care free attitude and a sharp wit.

How can I pick a favorite? They each bring something amazing and unique to the table and I love them all for different reasons. And in different times in my life I have understood one or the other a little better.

At this particular time in my life? It's...complicated... For various reasons, I have found myself being able to understand Marc better and to understand his point of view. And maybe that's why I gravitate a little more towards Jake when it comes to a character that I want to see more of.

So do I have a favorite of the three? I try not to pick favorites out of them because I love them all. ....We just won't look at my saved images....

[legendary-defender-of-fandoms]

Because I’m stuck in the Rot, More Thoughts about Wreck it Ralph

I know, I know. It’s just a stupid kids’ movie about a bunch of stupid video game characters going on stupid adventures and making stupid jokes. This REALLY isn’t something worth obsessing over, especially with the myriad of dumpster fires that is The Real World right now. Who gives a shit about cartoons when there’s at least one active genocide, the US is going back to the Bad Old Days, and trillionaires exist?

But the thing is . . . I DO care. I care so much. And I know I shouldn’t.

I was the ABSOLUTE last person who should’ve liked the first Wreck-it Ralph. I knew no one in the cast by name or reputation, I missed the majority of the video game references (like not realizing Tapper was a real-ass game from the real-ass world until much later), and I only went to the opening weekend showing because I was excited for Paperman (the short that played prior to the movie, not the video game character). I told myself I was going to walk out as soon as the movie bored me. I thought I’d be there ten minutes.

And then, the movie started.

By the time the camera pushed in on the Fix-it Felix Jr. screen & we entered the world of the video game characters, I was glued to my seat. But it wasn’t until we faded in on Ralph sitting in his first Bad Anon meeting, pouring his heart & soul out to his fellow Bad Guys (and the audience) that I realized he was me.

I mean, not literally. Obviously. But as the movie kept playing, I kept feeling like someone had ripped out my soul & put it on the big screen. There have been other Disney characters I’ve liked or related to for surface-level similarities (She likes books? I like books! That kind of stuff).

But Ralph hit SO MUCH deeper. He was this guy feeling stuck in a role he wasn’t sure he was meant to play, feeling literally AND metaphorically out of place even in a world where he SHOULD have felt at home, tired of ALWAYS being compared to someone else and found lacking because HIS talents didn’t match the OTHER’S talents, desperate for someone, ANYONE, to see what he had to offer and say “You have value. You matter.” And there were other similarities - the short temper, the clumsiness/tendency towards accidentally breaking stuff, the gap in the top front teeth, etc. But it was the core of his character - feeling lost, being secure in his identity but looking for someone to see him & accept him - that truly resonated with me.

And the rest of the movie. I could talk about what was IN the movie, but I want to talk about what WASN’T in the movie. Like the Bad Anon scenes. It was silly because of who was there, but they played it DEAD serious in the movie. This was not a “D’oh hoh hoh, silly support group for silly people because mental health is for losers” scene - they paid support groups & mental health the respect they deserve! And it was inspiring that Ralph STAYED IN Bad Anon even after getting his “Happily Ever After.” Sure, it was probably just meant to be a framing device, but I saw it as mental health positivity. And there were spin-off short stories that carried the idea of Ralph staying in Bad Anon, further reinforcing the idea that support groups are helpful & there’s nothing wrong with reaching out for help.

And for a plus-size character, Ralph has a surprising lack of fat jokes aimed at him in the first movie. I think Vanellope has one line about him having a go-kart “hidden in the fat folds of his neck,” but I think that’s because she wasn’t allowed to say “Well, unless you have a go-kart hidden in your ass crack.” And there are scenes in the first act when Ralph is clearly too big to comfortably walk through the Niceland Apartment or when his tummy bulges out when he straightens his stolen Hero’s Duty armor, but I saw those more as “Ohh, this is a visual representation of how Ralph feels out of place because this world wasn’t made to accommodate someone like him and/or he’s not prepared for what he’s about to get into” as opposed to “D’oh Ho Ho, he’s FAT.”

It was just so refreshing to see a movie that didn’t go for as many cheap shots as it probably could’ve. Ralph was treated with so much respect in the first movie, and it felt so nice to see someone who I resonated with so thoroughly not being treated like the butt of the joke. The movie became an instant favorite, and Wreck-it Ralph took over a special place in my heart & my brain. On bus rides home from college I’d be on my laptop making music videos about Ralph & Vanellope (NOT SHIPPING THEM AT ALL!!!!!!! I used songs clearly meant to convey familial love like “BBBFF” and “You’ll Be In My Heart”) I eagerly waited for Disney to give us console games based on Sugar Rush & Hero’s Duty (and yes, I DID buy the micro Fix-it Felix Jr. cabinet when it was offered at Walmart, and if there is ever a full cabinet game offered I WILL be the first to buy it, build it, and set every record possible for a cabinet game). When Motorchickensmile published their Love Bug fanfic on Fanfiction.net & posted their art on DeviantArt, I was HOOKED! If that was the ONLY sequel we ever got to Wreck-it Ralph, I would’ve died happy.

Then Disney announced the official sequel. And like the rest of the world, I was PUMPED! A little confused because Ralph didn’t have anything to do with the Internet and it seemed odd to get the arcade characters out of the arcade, but I was hopeful. After all, the first movie was beloved by old school gamers, new gamers, and folks who only knew Pokémon (I.e. me). SURELY they’d know what they were doing with online gaming!

And then I saw the sequel.

There are a lot of scenes from Wreck-it Ralph that live in my head. I saw the movie at least 4 times in theaters, and when the movie went on sale I was there the day it dropped to buy it & put the digital copy on my iPod. But you know that scene when Ralph destroys Vanellope’s go kart while she’s stuck in the tree, and she’s BEGGING him not to, SCREAMING in agony as he obliterates the first thing he ever made that someone saw value in, the promise of her future, a symbol of their shared outcast status but still being worthy? And you can SEE the misery in Ralph’s face, how he HATES doing this, but keeps going because he thinks he has to for the greater good?

Yeah, that’s what Ralph Breaks the Internet did to my perception of Wreck-it Ralph.

Gone were any traces of nuance, maturity, introspection, or even basic intelligence. NOW Ralph is a gross idiot who is SUPER clingy to Vanellope, regularly abandons his game during arcade hours (which, in case folks forgot from the first movie, was a SUPER BIG DEAL THAT COULD’VE ENDED HIS WORLD & KILLED THE NICELANDERS), throws temper tantrums & blubbers like a baby when things don’t go his way. Ralph goes OUT OF HIS WAY to endanger Vanellope just to keep her close, and he NEVER holds himself accountable! The first movie was all about Ralph learning that self worth can’t be measured in medals, but in the sequel he is CONSTANTLY flashing his cookie medal like it’s supposed to mean something. Don’t even get me STARTED on all the fat jokes. And even BEFORE Ralph ruins Sugar Rush, you get the sense that while HE’S obsessed with Vanellope & their friendship, Vanellope is feeling suffocated by this relationship & is desperate to get away from him.

The press releases said the movie was supposed to be about friends growing apart and going away but keeping the bonds of friendship. But to me? The whole thing felt like Disney was saying “Hey, YOU. Yeah, the IDIOT who thought they LIKED this giant man-baby moron? You’re super clingy and stupid. Don’t bother making friends - you’ll smother them with your attempts to bond. They can do so much better than you, and you’re only holding them back. Now, who wants to watch us add insult to injury by stuffing this gorilla in a dress designed for a 14-year-old princess?”

Again, I don’t think that was the INTENDED message of the movie. But it was just SO mean-spirited, especially when compared to the uplifting messages of the first movie. Which I guess was inevitable for a movie trying to be about the Internet, but still.

So, yeah. I had to step away from the franchise. And it HURT! This story - this character - was such a huge part of my life for years, and I had to cut it out. There were periods of time when I’d forget about the franchise for a bit, or have More Important Things to worry about (like that global pandemic, the nut job & his cult trying to overthrow the US government, normal life stuff). But then I’d be hit with a thought about the first movie out of nowhere, and I’d be happy until I remembered how the sequel killed all of its goodwill.

To this day I still have mixed feelings about Ralph. I get excited when he & Vanellope are included in multi-IP projects, then get sad when I remember the sequel, then get mad at myself for getting excited, then get disappointed when I see more Vanellope merch than Ralph merch, then get mad again when I remember how badly the sequel burned me. AND HE’S NOT REAL!!! I’m being driven insane by a guy WHO DOESN’T EVEN EXIST!!!

When Disney announced their version of Animal Crossing, Dreamlight Valley, Ralph & Vanellope were two of the characters featured in the trailer. Two years later we got Vanellope, but the closest we’ve gotten to Ralph is an in-game chess piece. Meanwhile Vanellope’s getting some great interactions with Mike & Sully of Monsters Inc, with Sully taking a paternal shine to Vanellope. And now I’m constantly begging the Dreamlight Valley social medias for updates about Ralph. I’m excited to see him, but also worried because I don’t know if we’ll get the nuanced Bad Guy from Wreck-it Ralph or the clingy buffoon from Ralph Breaks the Internet. I know John C. Reilly won’t be voicing him (because he NEVER voices Ralph outside of the movies & Once Upon a Studio), but I’m also kind of hoping he will? I don’t know if I want my avatar to hug him, or punch him, or leave him stranded in the Vitalys mines, or love-bomb him with cookie medals, or just leave him off mode. I have a space saved right in front of my in-game house for HIS in-game house, but I might just spend the rest of the game on Eternity Isle so I never have to see him.

And again, this is all for some WHO IS NOT REAL!!!!! I know I have problems, I KNOW there’s SO MUCH MORE to worry about than an imaginary guy with ginormous hands! I WISH I could just not care about him, or his movie, or any fictional stories! I WISH I could go on a Disney Cruise and NOT look for his face in the Art of Animation wall art or in the kids’ area wall art! I WISH I could stop looking for him in Disney Lorcana, or mystery mini lines, or multi-IP books! But I also know I can’t. If I let myself give up on him, if I let Disney WIN? He’ll be Forgotten. Locked in that vault with no chance for redemption. There have been too many other characters to suffer that fate. Like Oswald. And I can’t let characters like Oswald or Ralph be forgotten.

[badmoodbatflowers]

fic tag game

I was tagged by @beri-allen! <3

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

18.

2. What's your Ao3 word count?

183,264 total.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Wednesday (2022).

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Who is in control?

Sweet like honey

Of curses and intrusions

Unclaimed

Golden retriever boy

5. Do you respond to comments?

I do! or at least I try to. The mental health has been a bit of a dumpster fire recently but I really appreciate every comment and always try to respond even if it's weeks later lol

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't think I've written anything with a particularly angsty ending, except my lil angsty drabble: But you're not special, you're evil.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think most of my fics end happily bc I am a sap, but maybe Golden retriever boy.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I wouldn't consider it hate per se, but I have encountered people who don't know how to use a back button and who think I care that they disagree with my bi4bi headcanons.

9. Do you write smut? What kind?

I literally only have three fics that are not rated E lmao

10. Do you write cross-overs?

I'm not really deep enough in any other fandoms to write cross-overs, and they are never my go-to to read either.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No

12. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yes, one chapter of No such thing as purity with my darling kae (who is not on tumblr)

13. What WIP you would like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I outlined an angsty hurt/comfort wyclair piece that picks up during S1, but I struggled a little with Enid's voice and the complexity of the dynamic given where it falls in canon, so it is mostly abandoned. I think it was a good idea but it requires a lot of time and attention I don't think I can give it rn. Maybe one day I'll go back to it

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I actually don't know that I have one?

15. What are your writing strengths?

I think I do fairly well with descriptions/body positioning etc.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sometimes writing dialogue is like pulling teeth.

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

If it's a language I know well enough, then sure.

18. First fandom you wrote for?

Wednesday.

19. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I feel like this changes all the time but possibly If you wanna go to heaven. The supernatural elements were fun and it was a gift for my dear nik, who in turn has gifted me a succubus!Wednesday fic I will cherish forever (killing boys).

20. What fic would you want to rewrite one day?

If I was going to rewrite anything, it would probably be SLH. It has evolved a lot due to the nature of writing while posting, so I'd probably want to edit and revise it to make it feel a bit more cohesive and trim the fat.

Not sure if you have done this already but @nonamemanga @suchaladyy @the-strangest-person I am curious about your responses 👀

[emilydickinsonsghost]

Literally 0% surprised, almost 400 times seems low to me tbh. 😅 But it’s funnier if you consider that the Japanese version is my 4th most listened to song and the Essen cast recording version is in my top songs as well. Also Wenn ich dein Spiegel wär is like number 8 or sth.

Yea my mental health in 2023 was definitely not a dumpster fire why would you think that?

[datlokibumtho]

I just saw a post that brought up the fact that Ed totally has to have a scar from that time in Brotherhood when he got impaled, and I was like "oh I totally forgot that was a thing" and my fiance didn't quite hear me so I told him about the post and he thought they meant that time in 03 when Envy was a dick because he forgot about Brotherhood too. (I watch more 03 than Brotherhood because I personally think Envy is hotter in it, the Homunculi have more depth of character, and it was my original FMA jam so it holds a special place in my heart) That led to me reminding him and then this bit of shower/gremlin thoughts on my part:

1.) Envy was very rude for stabbing Ed in the chest.

2.) A bonding opportunity for them was missed by him doing so.

a.) Ed could've been like, "Man, I don't really like our dad all that much either, to be honest."

Envy could've been like, "Oh, God, he's the fucking worst"

And Ed would be like, "I know, right?!"

i.) They'd just be sitting there, bonding over their mutual dislike of Hohenheim, but it would be super awkward because it's all happening in that city under Central.

ii.) Gluttony is still eating Al

iii.) Al's like, "Bro, what the hell? I'm literally going to die here"

iv.) Dante's like, "Wait, no, Envy, you actually improving your dumpster fire mental health is not how this was supposed to go, knock that shit off i still need a minion that won't eat me on sight"

v.) Rose is mind controlled into oblivion

vi.) Her baby's crying because, let's be real, he messed himself forever ago and no one seems to fucking care

3.) The last couple episodes are legit just Ed and Envy bashing Hohenheim for not being able to handle situations involving his offspring in a proper and considerate manner, and Envy calling Dante the worst mom in the history of Amestris.

a.) Eventually, they figure out how to stop Gluttony from eating Al and use the Stone to get his body back.

b.) Al thinks the whole thing is super awkward because Envy and Ed are getting along, and he legit can't process that specific level of buggery right now.

c.) The series ends with Winry freaking out about there being a Homunculus around, Pinako being totally nonplussed because she's old and nothing bugs her anymore, Al slowly coming to terms with the fact that they appear to be stuck with Envy for the foreseeable future, Ed and Envy being total bros with eachother, and Den being nominated Best Good Girl In Amestris.

4.) This is better than the original ending and I will hear no other opinion

a.) Fight me.

[lvlypink]

God DOES answer prayers

This is just my telling of how God has answered a prayer of mine within a couple of days, and it's brought me equal amounts of pain and understanding

!! tw: mention of sa and pedo !!

I was a member of a Presbyterian church for many years, basically since I was 4 until my 16 years, give or take. When I was about 12-13, our minister moved towns and we welcomed a new pastoral family: the minister A and his wife, two children, plus his wife's sister and husband, and their two sons.

The family as a whole seemed incredible. All very charismatic, very fun, seemingly very kind and the church as a whole ADORED the new minister.

Well, I adored him too until his 18/19 yo nephew started getting a bit too close for comfort to me, at 13. I don't need to say what happened.

The entire church turned a blind eye and some even openly supported our "relationship", and after over a year, we broke up (his family made me break up with him bc I was "manipulating" him and I was "bad for his mental health". His aunt BLACKMAILED me. I was literally not a high schooler yet.)

After I got out of church, living in the real world opened my eyes to the fact that I'd been a victim of abuse. I wasn't a willing girlfriend to him. I was a young girl who legally couldn't give consent to anything. I was shocked, and disgusted that no one in the church had ever brought it up as a problem. I thought it was normal.

So I completely cut them off. Everyone, the entire church. I never attended a single event after I turned 16, and many times I wondered: did I sin? Is God disappointed in me? Should I still go to church so God will love me, after all of this? But I couldn't. I never came back.

It's been over 4 years since. In my journey to reconnect with Christ, I prayed that he make things clearer to me in how to keep living as His child while surrounded by trauma, and congregations that made me feel judged, and hated. He answered me by telling me something through my mother, who used to be a VERY active member of the church: the congregation is basically a dumpster fire rn bc minister A has assaulted a woman, divorced, mother of 3, who I'll call C.

C is a lovely person. She's full of life, funny, positive, compassionate, and has been an incredible friend to my mother for years. When she accused A of SAying her, she thought she'd find support in the church. After all, she is a victim.

But to no one's surprise, the minister denied it. Again. And again. And again. And kept going. C's brother sided with him. The entire fucking church started whispering behind her back, and when A's wife caught wind of it, she went around town LITERALLY telling the church members to stay away from C. "She's a whore! She's a prostitute who's seduced my husband, the minister! Don't let your children near her daughter!", stuff of the sort.

C eventually did go to the council and the state president of the Presbyterian church and was DISMISSED out of "lack of evidence".

As of today, she and her parents have left the church after a lot, and I mean a lot of harassing from the Minister's family, and the church members. It's an infuriating situation. My mom's heartbroken for her friend, and I'm mostly angry that the dipshit of a minister will probably never face justice. Just like this nephew never did.

But in telling me that, my mother's revealed to me that I had a good reason for leaving, and it's okay that I don't feel safe in churches anymore. I was never wrong for mistrusting the minister after my SA, I was never wrong for hating the entire family and for still not wanting to find myself another church.

God has showed mercy on me and he's told me I'm not the sinner here. He stands with me, and with C, and with every one of His children who's ever gone through this. And I'll keep praying that our abusers will face justice by Him. May our Lord comfort C.

[megaranoelle]

Holy Cripes!

Howdy, it's been a HOT minute, and I've been through a Shit ton of stuff since my last post, share or original post.

In order of events from oldest to most recent, what I think, cause it's been almost 4 years or something, here are the biggies.

I probably switched jobs about 3 times, but had to longer terms jobs, once I've been at for 2 years at the moment. I was my mom's caretaker for almost 10 years, and she went to the hospital and then went to assisted living and I moved several times over 2 years, not being able to afford my own place until March of 2023. I'm in a small, crappy place, but I've never been happier, just me and my two furbabies, (Sir Walter Croncat, and LIttle Miss SugarButt.)

Until July/August of 2023 my anxiety and depression ruled my life and I literally didn't like doing anything that used to keep me going.

July 14th 2023 my mom died. A Blessing and a curse, and honestly my emotions have been all over the place, but honestly with the shady/messed up past that we had, I'm finally living for ME.

I became more involved in my Union at work (I'm int he States), following in my Grandpa's footsteps. And as frustrating as it can be sometimes, I honestly have found a little more purpose in my life with it.

Electric Callboy saved my mental health with their music from July '23 on.

Baldur's Gate 3, and by extension Gale of Waterdeep/Dekarios, and Astarion, rule my brainspace.

And a week ago I made the decision to have a partial hysterectomy. It was my first ever major surgery, and I"m currently in recovery mode, so I find myself back on the interwebs.

Expect to see a lot of fanfic, some random posts, cat pics (aka my children), updates, I don't know, random shit that is my dumpster fire of a life. :D

[cinamun]

Woooooooow! 😮 As my brain unpacks & processes these series of events, my spirit is coming in like a wrecking ball like

*and yes I sung it by the way* But literally Elliot got four minutes before Jayce is on his ass & Mercy got four minutes to pack up that damn Penthouse and head her ass to that safe house in Tartosa! 😩

Now hear me out, nothing (and I mean nothing) about Bishop during this conversation is funny but my brain clearly “ain’t neva scared” because the moment he told her to say it with her chest, I woulda flicked that cigar out his mouth. 😂 May have resulted in being the last thing I do BUT that MF was holding on for dear life. Like…EVEN your damn cigar is scared to act up. It’s defying gravity at this point. Not an ash outta place! Lawd! 😩

*clutches chest* Elliot said he was supposed to be living his best life with Hope…not Jayce! Poor Hani was just a placeholder. Oof! Like I know he ain’t say none of that but he really said all that. All he wanted was a blunt free future with Hope…instead he ended up with this dumpster fire of young adulthood. Wow! You know what, where is his daddy at? I know he ain’t really about shit BUT…this is a mess! 😩 Hope call your mama and get the number for the good doc because that’s who Elliot needs. ASAP! Our boy is “fighting those demons” (as the kids be sayin) and he needs happiness & inner peace, all of which is an inside job. Like he didn’t fuck up his life because he still loves Hope, He fucked up his life because he’s been trekking through a deep dark place for a while…Just like our girl Mercy. Sheesh! So much more I could say but…I’d be here all day.

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 COME ON WITH THE FACTS ON ELLIOTS MENTAL HEALTH CHAE!!

He is not ok. And for some folks not ok means NOT OK. He has a lot going for him. Except guidance and mentorship. Darren came up in the slums but he still had his barber, you feel me? Yeah.....

But you know what? That cigar? I am currently in the upper room. I have been for the last 4 minutes. Thanks 😭😭🤣🤣

[mdhwrites]

Thank you for your passionate answer to my anon question. I also wouldn't want amphibia post canon content to treat trauma as a way to develop a romance, because I agree that the girls needed that space to develop into their own person and any type of relationship attempts would have been a dumpster fire. When I asked that question, I was definitely thinking about the girls' mental health, if they ever thought too much about Amphibia or if the events that transpired changed the girls more than they expected.

As an example, I like to wonder if post Amphibia Sasha ever thought if she was using femininity as a social "weapon" to raise herself to the top and maybe even developed negative connections to it, or if that part of her didn't change at all. I also wonder if she ever regretted growing apart from the other two and if she would see it as a failure of her part in her attempts to be a better friend/person.

So... here's the thing: My base complaint still applies here: Is what you're describing ANYTHING like why you actually enjoy Amphibia? Because your original ask presented it as a flaw of the show. That the show should have dedicated time to these subjects once the world the show is named after is gone. You know, now that the fantastical elements have left and everyone has to return to regular lives.

Admittedly, that is actually an interesting idea with plenty of room, I like what you're thinking... But it's for a Future series. A series like Steven Universe Future or Fiona and Cake (and this is a point I wanted to bring up but couldn't find a place for it) are SEPARATE from their base series for a reason. That distance allows for a drastically different approach to tone, story telling priorities, etc. like that. Hell, it's part of why Amphibia has actually done better at keeping its fandom together post the series ending because there are SO many questions as to how everyone handles the time after, including the world itself.

But that plausibility space isn't a flaw of the show, unlike how you presented it in your original ask. Honestly, it's a good sign of how rich the characters were that you're asking these sorts of questions and that these questions are valid. I proved in the last ask though that it did interrogate, even if subtly, the mental health and ramifications these characters faced from these trials. It said a shocking lot about it but to ask a show to literally cover EVERY possibility?

That's simply unreasonable,and wouldn't be as satisfying as you think it would be, especially because at that point, you start diluting your themes and concepts, let alone the cohesion of your story. Matt wanted it to be three seasons and I can genuinely see a way of telling this in two seasons with not much less effective storytelling. To stretch it further? People already complain about the filler of Amphibia and now you want entire episodes dedicated to AFTER the story is done. After you've had your giant climax that brings all the themes, characters, concepts, etc. to a close with topics that potentially don't have a climax. That can't easily resolve.

How do you suggest that coheres to the rest AT ALL? It's likely even impossible honestly to ask of Disney television right now, who haven't had a Steven Universe Future yet, a series I'm told has REALLY mixed opinions and I can imagine why with what I've heard. Not even that it's a badly written show or that it tackles its subject matter childishly... But because it actually is well written and tackles its subject matter well which means making Steven be in pain, make mistakes, suffer and to make the triumph of the series be lessened by the consequences of that adventure. All of that isn't something a lot of audience members actually want because to potentially jeopardize the happy ending they got is going to upset many, let alone if you start questioning how good the entire journey was for these characters. It can potentially taint favorite episodes as you now know the damage those events caused.

So, AGAIN: Is that actually what you want out of your silly little frog show?

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[doonarose]

I am being busy and professional and important this week (which mostly means trying to stay awake in meetings and staying out until 1am drinking with vaguely bro-type old white guys) and my fuckwit 20-somethings are back at homebase, whining and feeling abandoned and not realizing how fucking made they've got it. One of them messaged me to complain about a big research grade she got (not from me but that I signed off) because she thought she deserved higher and I had to find a nice way of saying "When you refused to do x, y and z because you couldn't be arsed, you basically ruled yourself out of getting a top mark because there are fuckers around who will happily do x, y and z, and then ask what's next'.

The most junior has waited until the eleventh hour to send me presentation stuff and it's trash but I am beyond caring and they're just gonna do a vaguely shit job and people will forgive me, I reckon. And then the supposed more senior, utterly fragile, lazy, entitled trash bag, has waited until we can't have a face to face to switch out 'I need a week or two off around Christmas' to 'I am taking six paid weeks of leave' and no, we can't talk about it, because I'm letting her fly interstate for a five day break first thing tomorrow, because our conference. So not only 'waves arms' but she's manipulative now as well. And when I gently pointed out six weeks is insane (and she is not entitled, I might add, to any of it) and she's had quite a few bits and pieces of leave already, she argues that was all sick leave. She has literally never logged sick leave... she just sometimes goes home early with a headache, or doesn't come in because she' feeling run down.

And like, I get it, mental health, etc. But we all have mental health issues. And if she wasn't being manipulative and impacting my mental fucking health, maybe I'd be a bit more empathetic.

This career is such a dumpster fire. If only I hadn't bought a house last year and then a brand new car. lol oops.

[altheterrible]

Having a job that involves frequently interacting with kids has done me so much good in terms of mental health. Which is annoying, bc I don't like kids, but it is what it is, I guess.

I used to feel a lot of disdain, anger, and disappointment towards younger me. I always thought she was a pathetic failure. That maybe if she had been smarter, faster, stronger, better...she could have stopped the abuse, she could have saved our family from poverty, she could have cured our dad's alcoholism, she could have made our parents so happy that they finally loved us.

But working with kids... I've gotten to know a bit what they're like at different ages. I've never spent a lot of time with kids, so previously my only insight into the psyche of a child was my own--and that has been significantly warped by hindsight and adulthood.

So like, it turns out kids can't do much on their own. They don't know how things work because they've never seen a lot of stuff before. They depend entirely on their parents for survival, and that's normal and healthy. They need help with things because they're learning how to do stuff for the first time, and this is also normal and healthy. Kids can't manage their own emotions yet because theyre still figuring out what emotions are, so they need help, and that's normal and healthy.

All of this was new information to me. And learning it has kind of blown my perspective wide open. I am finally able to see that my parent's expectations for me as a kid were FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

My parents expected me to manage their emotions--i wouldn't trust a kid with my emotional regulation, they're newbs! My parents expected me to save my aunt when she overdosed on morphine--what kind of moron puts a child in charge of that, kids don't know anything???

When I see kids at work, sometimes I think about what my parents demanded from me at that age, and I realized how fucking detached from reality they were. Like, a ten year old kid doesn't know shit, might still think Santa is real, and doesn't understand sales tax. But when I was that age, I was fending off the guy trying to get me to suck his dick behind the dumpster alone because my parents told me to "deal with it."

So yeah, thanks to being forced into proximity with children, I now know my parents were delusional and cruel. Their behavior was unhinged. How out of control did they feel that they thought a literal child would do betterthan them running the show?

And past me? She was a fucking badass. She did so much with so little and she got us out of that dumpster fire of a household alive. She deserves a medal for how good she did protecting us.

And she deserves to finally take a break from protecting.

[justadudetryingtobeahero]

“Are you guys ready?”

“Huh? Ready for what?”

“To save the fucking world. One person at a time.”

I used to be the guy that said shit like this all the time at work. Reminding people that we get to work, we don’t have to. Self love was the woven into everything I did because I found it to be the most useful philosophy propelling me to where I wanted to go — feeling free, doing what I wanted everyday, plenty of time for self care, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I did massage therapy at the top clinic in SF, but subtly integrated coaching around nutrition, mindset, sleep, and movement into everybody I worked with.

Then COVID happens. The clinic closes and my first thought it, ‘Fuck yeah, the world is forcing me to do what I’ve always dreamed of, switching my practice to be fully remote so I can travel and surf and teach people all over the world all the stuff I’ve learned over the past decade helping people get out of pain.’

But first, I deserve a little break. I’ve been grinding hard for a solid 2 years. I can chill on unemployment for a bit and move in with my parents in SD while I build my new business. This fucking voice in my head destroyed me, literally.

I was no stranger to self sabotage, it was probably the only consistent trend through my life, creating an awesome life for myself and then finding a a way to blow it all up and start over.

I ended up “chilling” for 3 years. Draining all my savings. Letting all my self discipline fade into nothingness — no more workouts, no more meditating, no more cold showers, no more cooking healthy meals, no more working. Depressed as fuck, crippling social anxiety to the point where seeing my closest friends was terrifying — imagining how I’d answer the question “How are you?” felt exhausting. I���d either have to lie and put on a fake ass smile saying “Good dude, how are you?” Or I’d have to be honest and describe the dumpster fire of a life that I’d fallen into.

I felt useless, trapped, hopeless, and couldn’t see a way out. The only thing that seemed to make any sense was to end it all. The thought of an endless silence… fuck it sounded so nice that i found myself living in that silent, peaceful fantasy for weeks. So I start googling and it turns out google actually does a really good job of bombarding you with resources and stories designed to help get you out of the darkness when you search for anything related to practical suicide methods.

Something deep inside of me forces myself to read a few. Bullshit, bullshit, bullsh… god damnit. One finally hits. Something about neurology and mental loops we get trapped in, but have the power to get out of by focusing on something else. It gives me a flash of my old life, of the shit I used to tell people. I decide to fight the darkness the only way I can think, just hit a workout, unleash all this pent up sadness and anger and shame on the pull up bar.

5?!?! That’s all this useless fucking body can muster right now?! Fuck that. I can obsess over getting strong again. Another phrase i used to say comes to mind, “Getting back into working out is great. Sure you’re weak, but it takes barely any time at all to get a great training session in.”

Out comes the training journal. Buried in my closet in a box of my old stuff. I flip through it and look at my workouts from years ago, from when I was in peak form. More anger at myself starts brewing for letting my body slip into this weakened, soft state. Give it to this workout. Start over. You know the way.

A path emerges in my mind. Just get back in shape. One workout at a time. One meal at a time. One good night’s sleep at a time. One fucking day at a time, I will forge this meat suit into hardened steel again.

Deep down I know these thoughts aren’t the way to sustainable happiness, but it’s all I feel capable of right now, and I’ll take it.

The thing I learned to love about health is that when you fully commit to optimizing any facet of your own health, be it physical, mental, or emotional, the steps required to push it over the top bleed into every other facet to some degree. Like if you’re trying to get in shape and you want to do everything you can to get there, sure you must workout, but you also have to eat well, get good sleep, take care of yourself mentally so you don’t burn out etc. So all it really takes is that initial commitment, some form of burning desire (unfortunately it’s usually some form of intense suffering) that causes a shift inside yourself inducing a newfound commitment to growing in some way — in anyway, and soon enough everything is going to be trending upward, blasting the fuck off.

Just commit, we deserve it.

Somewhere I heard that the root of commitment was that you were chopping off all other possibilities, so the only way forward is whatever you’ve committed too. Regardless of the truth in it, I fucking love that. No other options make it stupidly simple.

A few months go by. We’re working out again. Meditating. Eating well. Starting everyday with water, sunlight, and movement. It doesn’t stick like it used to though. Everyday becomes a battle to the death between that god damn voice telling me it’s not worth it, to just chill, and my will to ignore it, to fight, to chop off all other options save the one that I know will move me forward.

A year goes by and I’m worn down. Exhausted again.

Why is this so hard. I remember it being easier this deep into the practices. I remember these habits becoming self perpetuating at this point.

Enter the final catalyst.

A beautiful woman, a devious minx, freshly out of long term relationship. Immediate, intense physical chemistry. I’ve been on this ride before. Time to strap in and prepare for take off. I know there’s a time bomb somewhere on this bitch, but I’ll find it, disarm it, and we’ll fly this ship into the stars.

Lmao. Silly hopeless romantic. All rocket ships blow up.

But why?

When I finally started hearing the detonation timer ticking down, frantically searching for my parachute, what I found was the final piece of the puzzle. It had literally been sitting right in front of me for years.

The mountains call to me. I decide to hit a solo backpacking trip. Pack my shit, unknowingly throw the last puzzle piece into my bag — an unread book that had been collecting dust for 5 years. Social media used to bombard me with all things self love and I used to listen, so why would I need to read a book titled, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It?

Mountain climbed. Hammock setup next to jaw dropping alpine lake with snow capped peaks in behind it. The book gets cracked open, along with my soul, expecting nothing, and yet finding everything, again.

It felt like how I would imagine an eagle suddenly, immediately remembering how to fly would feel.

Of fucking course.

The deeper why beneath it all.

Love.

For myself.

6 hours of cycling between reading, crying, laughing, smiling, self love meditations, and experiencing the most intense feelings of gratitude I’ve ever felt, for Kamal fucking Ravikant.

This beautiful, courageous, vulnerable human hits me with a gripping, relatable story of his past, a practical solution to our problematic themes of the past, and finally a post-script that is the hardest hitting “It’s okay, we all fuck up and will continue to” metaphor of all time.

So here we are, two weeks later, magic dripping back into my life, habits starting to flow again.

There are still battles everyday, but I now remember to fight them with love and gentleness towards myself.

And you know what?

It’s getting a little easier everyday.

It gets harder sometimes too. When mental patterns of the past start losing their power, they elicit powerful responses to try to take it back.

But re-digging the mental groove of self love is starting to let life flow again. Flashes of effortlessness and deep feelings of knowing that this is the way, contain enough fuel to blast off this solo ship into the stars.

Hammering in healthy habits is great, useful, but searching in external sources for love and validation that is readily available within ourselves is a sure fire way to make life feel like an endless fight to the death, and eventually explode.

We got this.