#my one finished fic out there was written 5 yrs ago but also no it wasn’t it’s been days

[writeouswriter]

I love commenting on so called “older” fics because personally I have no actual semblance of the passage of time, if you commented on my fic from 2017, I’d be thrilled because in my mind, I wrote that baby last week, that’s nothing

[tantai-jin]

fic writer meme!

thank u rachel @fruitdaze for the tag!!! <3333333

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

23 since 2016 lmao,, i don't remember exactly how many i posted on lj from 2012-2015 but it wasn't a ton, probably 10-15 that were like 50k altogether

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

124,765

3. What fandoms do you write for?

it's been all over the place since 2020 lol but p much only chinese media like danmei novels, movies, cdramas. used to write kpop rpf but prob won't return to that even tho i still like and follow many groups

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

给你给你 (yunfei)

换一世身份姓名; heaven to myself (canglan)

not-that-small talk (tell me honestly) (bts yoonkook LOL)

새벽 rush hour (yellow light, slow) (bts taegi LOL)

捡一个梦; reach for a dream (canglan)

5. Do you respond to comments?

i usually do, although i'm often quite late LOL i have a couple fics where i didn't reply to all the comments after a certain point and then i just stopped 😭 or if they are a guest user or only leave emojis as a comment then i don't reply? but ofc i see every comment

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

uhh i feel like the only thing i wrote that is complete and has an angsty ending is 捡一个梦; reach for a dream bc it was a missing scene from an angsty arc of the show. or lol jk same scenario applies to 余光 (remnants of light) bc it takes place before the end of yuwu and not in one of the happier moments

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

either 给你给你 or 换一世身份姓名; heaven to myself bc they're both disgustingly sweet and affectionate at the end

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope! either i am writing for tiny ass fandoms or like, my fics don't get enough traction to attract haters LMAO

9. Do you write smut?

not a lot... the incomplete bingqiu au i posted has the most explicit scenes so far but i am still too shy writing it. i have to practice so that i can write more than 3 sentences of sex in a single day and actually finish the wips i started 😭

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you have written?

i have before! nothing crazy tho bc it was just kpop rpf and it would be like, two idols from the same company that have interacted multiple times! lmao. sometimes i think abt crossovers for cdramas that are relatively tame such as: two actors that have been in the same drama multiple times are reincaranted and those 2+ dramas are their different lives... but it's so niche in eng speaking fandom and i haven't fully written one out yet. also does it count as a crossover if u put characters from story A into the setting/setup for story B bc i do that a lot but i think that is fairly common at least for ppl to imagine

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so... again, my fics do not get a lot of traction so i don't think it's likely lmaooo

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i think there was an exo one translated into russian a long time ago but i don't even remember which one lolllll it might have been on my livejournal

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

not a whole fic yet but ive brainrotted a plethora of aus with friends before such as but not limited to mingqian actors au with lianzi (very intricate with multiple variations) and a Bunch of cdrama and yuwu stuff with another friend :')

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

i cannotttttt pick only one but ummm in the last yr-ish it's been a rotation of tantai jin/li susu + mingye/sang jiu from cyjm, mingqian from liu yao, xilian from yuwu (🤪)..... bingqiu from sv (always).... i should stop for now that's Tew Many. but i think once i finish spl, changgu will also be up there

15. What is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i feel like i'm cursing myself by typing this out but perhaps the bingqiu i posted one chapter of..... even if i could write all the p With p parts that i wanted to include, i was also a little stuck on the ending and idk if i would be able to write it in a way that doesn't feel like a cop out or just weak in general 😢 but i do like that au and i think my writing for it so far was p decent... so who knows...!

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think i am pretty good at dialogue that sounds 1. natural and 2. true to the characters! i try really hard to make imagery sound original(ish) and evocative, and to make a character's Yearning palpable

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

intricate plot, action, sex (takes me forever to write and haven't done it in as much detail as i would like to tbh)

18. Thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

i love it! i did it a little in my yunfei fic and instead of directly translating the line of chinese right there i just included the meaning in the next line of dialogue, like "what do you mean [thing they just said]" + i did it like that bc the tone of it just felt so much more natural to me in mandarin for that specific convo. not that it was something untranslatable (it wasn't) but it just felt comfier to me. i also like the thing ppl do where you can hover over the text and it will show the translation but idk how that html works HAHA someday i would like to give it a go

19. First fandom you wrote for?

exo.......... lmao

20. Favorite fic you have written?

overall i think it would be typhoon season (my incomplete but not abandoned cisswap girls ximang in hk) ! i had it fermenting in my brain for like 8 months before i wrote it, which meant i had figured a lot of the stuff for the beginning out and it was much easier to write than normal since i was not deliberating so much in the moment. i think the pacing for it was good and the reveals of backstory were placed well, and i think i adapted the characters well too even if it's only a first chapter and they haven't done a lot yet. i wanna write them again but it's been rly hard for me to think abt that specific au for many months lol. i also think my recent yzy gegedidi fic had a lot of yummy scenes even if i see some flaws in some parts of the fic's progression... but i spent enough time on it already so i will not go and fix it anymore 😌 peace

i think all my writer friends were tagged already...... this tagline (like a bloodline) will end with me

[kurtsascot]

fic writer 20 questions

was tagged by @spookyklaine !!! thank you for the tag

tagging @daisyishedwig @bitbybitwrites @special-bc-ur-part-of-it @wowbright and anyone else thats interested seriously!!!! tag me in your answers i want to read them all

1. how many works do you have an ao3?

four !! but ive written around 10 in my life

2. whats your ao3 word count?

87k

3. what fandoms do you write for?

just glee <3

4. top 5 fics by kudos

not applicable

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i do !!! sometimes i just dont know what to say;; i am terrible at keeping secrets and sometimes i know if i reply i will spoil something

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

treading water- the fic itself is angst heavy so the ending is naturally not all sunshine and rainbows.

7. whats the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

also, treading water. hoping to create something cute and really fulfilling c: it will have the longest ending just due to length so i think that helps default it to the happiest, no?

8. do you get hate on fics?

i havent yet thankfully

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

mhmmhm …and i dont really have a limit on what i would write? what can i say, i like steamy romances . whatever i want i write

10. do you write crossovers? whats the craziest one youve ever written?

i dont write them or read them, really. alternate universes though? ill eat that shit up every day

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yes actually!!! years and years ago but i dont remember what story.

13. have you ever cowritten a fic before?

i havent. on one hand it sounds like a lot of fun, but on the other hand i know myself and i have relinquishing control over my writing. i wouldnt be opposed to it, i think, if i was close with the person i was writing with!

14. fave all time ship?

klaine ; no past ship can rival klaine brainrot <3

15. wip you want to finish but doubt you will?

succession!klaine au

16. what are your writing strengths?

its so hard to pick out your own strengths. i feel like dialogue is definitely one- i try to make everything thats said sound believable, and, ngl, it take me a while. dialogue is the first thing i write and last thing i edit.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

i dont have a great vocabulary. emotional moments can be hard because i only know few words and i wantvto communicate so many things….im always googling synonyms

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

i love it when other people do it, but i am not multilingual- i don’t feel like i could do it justice.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

hetalia- they are still up on fanfiction.net and at 13 yrs old, my prose was not something that should have been published on the internet. i cant take them down, though, so i go to my profile whenever i need a laugh

20. fave fic youve written?

treading water- my wip!! biggest thing ive ever written, most challenging, most fulfilling and the best ending (even tho the endings not posted yet teehee)

[itsmadreia]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Hiiiii lovelies, I saw this a while ago and since no one has tagged me, I thought I'd do it anyway so let's go. ✍️

How many works do you have on Ao3?

13

What's your total Ao3 word count?

17,297 at the moment.

What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly YR but I also write for Anne With An E and Yellowjackets, even though I haven't posted those on my Ao3.

Top five fics by kudos:

I'm Only One Call Away(almost 300)

I'd Cover You With The Blanket of My Love(248)

You're The Only One For me(239)

You Bring Out The Best In Me(235)

Kinda Love That Never Expire(212)

Do you respond to comments?

Always! I'm not the one to leave them hanging, if anything, it takes me less than a few minutes to see them.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I'm currently finishing up a very sad break up fic for #willemonth2024 so maybe that one??? I do have a few super angsty fics coming in the near future though.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of them are happy(I prefer to write one-shots), but maybe You Can Never Lose If Love Is What You Feel from the Smutty Monday series because it doesn't end with light angst like some others do, more like longing for the other, hehe.

Do you get hate on fics?

No.

(friendly reminder to never do that!!!)

Do you write smut?

I do, but it's lighter from other fic writers who are writing it or who even put a lot of focus on it, because I seem to put it elsewhere, which of course it's totally fine. You do you!

Craziest crossover:

Don't have those nor do I follow any.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not my fanfics but my original work; some lovely souls copied them to another site.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, YCNLILIWYF is translated to Russian.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I'd love to.

All time favourite ship?

Wilmon ofc ♥️

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Uh, I have this friends to lovers yr fic in the works and it will be only 3-5 chapters but I have a hard time with it. Maybe having a beta could help. 👀

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and poetic sentences??? Haha, I honestly don't know but I do know that I enjoy writing intimate scenes in between great dialogues, whatever the theme of it.

What are your writing weaknesses?

English is not my first language, so I sometimes feel like that takes a lot away from me but it's okay.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I love them and I'll try to practice and use my Spanish skills in coming chapters of Heavy Is The Crown, so stay tuned for that.

First fandom you wrote in?

Justin Bieber lol.

Favourite fic you've written?

I love them all but I remember how my first yr fic happened to find its way to Twitter. That was definitely a good moment.

No pressure tags(if you have done it just ignore it): @zee-has-commitment-issues @royalwilmon @simons-purplehoodie or whoever else wants to do it.

[jennifersminds]

nobody tagged me but I saw @finnicks do this and felt like annoying the world with my thoughts

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

As of right now, two. But I’ve got a few others in the works that I hope to be posting before December lmao

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

10734 (the rest is in unposted word docs lmao)

3. What are your top 5 2 fics by kudos?

1. plastic crown 

2. I'm not your daydream

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

YES! I’m continually amazed by the fact that literally anyone even reads the fics I post let alone comments on them. Especially PC since it’s essential just me venting all my tvd related trauma lmao. I only started writing fic a few moths ago and fully expected nobody to say a word so to recieve such in depth and encouraging feedback has been absolutely amazing.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

none yet- might update this answer if I ever post one that does but tbh I’m kinda a pussy so it’s unlikely. 

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

INYD ig? since it’s the only one I’ve actually finished and imo does have an undeniably happy (if open ended) ending. I can promise that Plastic Crown will aswell when I finally get around to finishing it. 

7. Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven't but I won’t rule it out. If I did it would likely be something way too niche/ self-indulgent and nobody would read it but thats fair.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not yet but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if a disgruntled salvatore brother stan left one considering I absolutely annihilate them in pretty much all my fics. or if I ever get around to writing for dair, the chck/blair fandom does not know how to act in my experience. (just for the record I have zero issue with people that like the salvatore brothers, they’re hot i get it, it just aint me lmao)

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes! I haven’t posted it yet but my upcoming fics and future pc chapters both have smut. (considering upping pc to explicit actually)

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that famous, doubt I will be lmao

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no but if anyone did I think my heart would literally explode 

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no and I doubt I will, my writing style is very messy and.. not unique per se just fucking weird ao I don’t think it’d work.

13. What’s your all time favorite ship?

oooOooo

my number one is probably Elejah, I started shipping them casually as a crackship in 2020 and it just sorta spiralled and now they own my whole ass. There’s just something about both their characters that works on this really base, fundamental level that I don’t think any other tvd ships did. Elijah also represents this sorta... opportunity for autonomy to Elena that I genuinely don’t think any other character did. 

I think he has this sorta unconditional respect for her that I find really interesting. Because it can be argued that the salvatore brothers respected Elena sometime, but that respect and kindness came with very clear conditions for her behaviour and feelings (specifically just that she.. not be like Katherine. and any time she stepped even remotely outside that box any respect or kindness from them would completely disappear.) So the way we see Elijah continually show this odd, twisted, respectful affection for her even under insane conditions where Elena has not only stepped outside that “morally perfect, madonna” box but is actively working against him and his family is really refreshing. My favourite example of this is the last time we see them interact in American Gothic. The way the show makes it look like Elijah is going to hurt Elena to save Katherine, threatening the salvatores over the phone, only to reveal her just chilling next to him. And then while she’s on her no humanity shit, basically bullying this 1000 yr old man, he’s just kinda.. humouring her and lowkey flirting. like

“I remember reading that in a letter once.”

“Well the writer sounds positively gifted. I’m sure he meant what he wrote.” with that little fucking smirk and he’s just looking at her kindly. Even when she has no humanity and is completely devoid of all the virtues other characters define her and value her on. idk I just fuck with it.

They’re also hot. 

I also really love dair, cheleanor, whouffle, tenrose, vandermarin and haleb (been thinking of writing a mona, caleb, hannah poly fic but I’m literally the only person who wants that)

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

none yet... but there’ll probably be many lets be honest.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I have very strong opinions about like character and areas of it that I think have been neglected by canon. And I think I’m able to communicate them and talk about them in a way people find pretty interesting. I think the fact that all the fics I write are like major passion projects is quite helpful, because so far I always feel pretty fulfilled writing them alone, so the responses, while abasolutely amazing, aren’t necessary for my motivation as a whole.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

PLOT. A drawback of the whole “character study” thing is that I start there and kinda intent to find the plot as I go. which is harder than I thought. 

is it not enough to just have character breakdowns and vibes? 

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I respect anyone that tries but it’s unlikely I ever will.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

tvd

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

right now, plastic crown.

Okay this got super long but I had alot of fun writing it even if it was completely unprompted. I nominate @missnmikealson and @alllwritenow plus anyone else that see’s this. If you read all of this I love you lmao ty 💖

[herbalinz-of-yesteryear]

Fic Writer Review

I was tagged by dear @andordean , and I’m tagging @ro-the-bard-writer @wholelottatiffy, @dclcq I know you are a private individual but I’m taggin anyway just to beep you a “hey luv ur stuff” And my new fandom fren @xuelingxu :D 不知道你写不写文，如果不写的话权当没看见啦

1. How many fics on AO3?

9 fics if we include super short fic-trailer (195 words lol), and I’m translating Jawanaka’s Ciri fic

2. Total AO3 word count?

111,522 🌱 all the couldves and wouldves aside, I’ve been writing fanfic for almost 3 yrs now, wow. Time flies.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Two. Cyberpunk 2077, Witcher.

4. Top five by kudos?

Seeking Resonance (modern AU Regis x You)

The Dream of Possibility (shitty two-crown-romance Regis x OC)

The Memory of Vines (abandoned; Regis x OC)

The Path of Aloneness (V x Takemura)

Half Moon, Full Circle (Regis x Queen of the Night)

5. Do you respond to comments, why/why not?

I almost always do! Love those who took time to comment; grateful always and happy my words made people feel stuff. There were times I DID NOT reply, however, and I ask for forgiveness and understanding: it’s either going to be a late reply, or, silly me but sometimes I feel so underserving of such loving comments I’m floored and cannot bring myself to reply.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with angstiest ending?

You mean fics dont have to angst? I’m not sure as I always strive for a balance of angst and catharsis so I avoid end on an angsty note. Maybe the Takemura one-shot? Or my current Lara Dorren & Cerro fic.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

If it counts, my stupid first fic. A cyberpunk 2077 character dimension traveled to the witcher world. Why to date Regis ofc and she got there bc of Ciri & Avallach

8. Have you received hate on fic?

Everyone has been so nice and civil, i don’t recalling seeing drama in others’ fics either :D #myfandomisdabest

9. Do you write smut?

👏

But I haven’t had the right fic idea for a long time to be able to write smut. Two nights ago on my insomnia bender i was thinking abt Angela Carter and had an idea; something fit for Halloween 🧛‍♂️

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Wym? Plagiarized or being posted to other sites? Either way, I don’t know:D

11. Ever had a fic translated?

No. Don’t think I’ve written enough in the fandom yet

12. Ever co-written a fic before?

And again sadly no. I do love the idea though! Someone plz hit me up.

13. All time favorite ship?

Very hard question. Regis x Dettlaff? Regis x OC (i include minor char like Queen of the Night, Tissaia as oc). Ciri x Cahir. 🖤 Geralt x Yennefer🤍

14. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

If it’s a WIP that is not progressing at the moment, I don’t want to finish xD

15. What are your writing strengths?

According to feedbacks, prose, or style. Personally I think I’m ok with setting the mood. I also like to research and worldbuild

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

I’m learning to implement this! But I think dialogue is my strongest weakness. Next would be I tend to drag on every action in a scene, like A first B then C then D while it could’ve been A->D. But this I pay attention to in editing. I’m bad at summary, not good with titles. Also, maybe for lacking in practice, I think I’m still trying to figure out how to structure a cohesive plot

17. What are your thoughts of writing dialogue in other languages?

As in having a character speaking other languages in the fic? Ask yourself 1) must they speak that language? Does it make sense? If you write from any POV other than that chatacter’s, why would the narration presume to understand the language? Is it relevant to the plot they speak that way? 2)are you fluent in the language? Don’t make grammar mistakes and don’t use it for cultural exoticism

18. First fandom you wrote for?

Witcher. My once and future.

19. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Ha! “Favorite” and “I” in the same sentence?… Seeking Resonance maybe; that modern AU Professor Regis is a very comforting character (but also profoundly sad), it also made me happy to see it has made others feel better too.

I think my current super niche fic might be my favorite yet? Idk, it’s the biggest project i’ve tried and I do try. By the fallacy of sunken cost it should mean ill love it 😂

[mrs-dragneel-stark-solo]

Unforseen Chasm (Part 64)

Part 64 of Unforseen Chasm

Prompt: Two sisters fall for men that are absolute enemies. The love they have could tear all of them apart, or it could bring them together. Word Count: 2655 Warnings: Language, dark moment for reader, 5 yrs after the snap, grief, anger, killing spree, new love, endgame plot, enter Uncle  Wade Wilson,hope, worry, 

Song for this part: Cruel Summer- Taylor Swift Note: This is by far the longest thing I’ve ever written (including my other fic series). first major Collab with my best friend @thorne93​ what was first a simple “what if” moment turned into a two year writing session and I’ve never been more prouder of myself than when i started my first series. goes through most of the MCU plots there are some changes to accommodate for what we wanted and there is a bit of a crossover between the MCU and other characters. I hope you guys enjoy reading this just as much as I enjoyed writing it.

“Don’t kill me, I have family,” the man begged.

“So did I.”

You charged the knife and flung it at his head, stabbing him between the eyes instantly killing him.

That was the last of one of the cartels in Brazil. He was a ruthless, horrible man that you’d been tracking for two months. Him and about ten others who worked for him. But you’d just single handedly killed all ten of them in their warehouse.

About eight months ago, you ran into Clint Barton. Apparently, when the snap happened, he lost his entire family and went off the deep end like you did. He was filled with bitter rage. Wondering why monsters like this survived and his family was gone. You were both tracking the same people and when you found each other, you agreed to stay together. It made sense and both of you felt like it was nice to see a familiar face with a similar past and same vendetta.

Remy followed you everywhere. He stayed in horrible hotels and motels, just to follow you around. Sometimes he followed you on your missions, lingering in the shadows making sure you didn’t get hurt or need backup. You and Clint sometimes fought together, so he wasn’t too worried, but other times you two worked separate jobs or different jobs in the same area, and that’s when Remy would watch out for you.

You came back to the room you’d rented. Since the job was done, you’d pack, sleep, and move onto the next target you’d talked about with Clint. Remy stayed out of the way of you two, never saying or offering any judgment or criticism. He understood the path you two were on. He didn’t like it, and he didn’t think it was bringing you much joy, but this was what you wanted, and to be honest, the world was better without the people you were killing.

By now it had been five years since the snap. Your first year was filled with global travel then settling down in New Orleans. The second year you tried to find domestic bliss with Remy, the two of you having steady jobs. Then the last 3 years were filled with hate, rage, murder, vendettas.

What you did… what you were doing… it didn't bring you joy, but it made you feel better for a split second that horrible people weren't ruining good people's lives.

Remy had been great since the day he showed up in Paris. He had been understanding of Loki and never pressured you to move on. Remy understood where he stood in your heart and he accepted it because this was all he had wanted for many years. He wished he didn't have to watch you suffer and grieve to get to this point, he somehow wished things were different in that he was your first choice and not Loki. But ultimately, he respected your heart's desires.

Truthfully, you did love Remy. You had told Shannon what seemed like centuries ago that perhaps in another life where you didn't know Loki existed or had never met him, Remy would be your one and only. Now that Loki was gone though, it felt so wrong. It felt wrong to be happy, to even think of moving on, to even entertain the idea of loving another.

Half of you couldn’t imagine moving on without Loki - he was your life, your life, your world. He’s the one you wanted to share your life with. The other half felt guilty to experience any happiness, because it was your fault the world was the way it was. Why should you get a happy ending when it was your fault everyone was in this living Hell?  

But your heart doesn’t listen to logic or reason. You didn’t mean to fall in love...

This had been on your mind for quite some time. Perhaps right after he almost proposed was when you started to really take notice of him. But it wasn't until maybe three months ago, almost five years after the snap, that you felt like you could maybe allow yourself to love him back.

You weren't ready to give up on Loki, or even consider moving on, but perhaps there was room enough for more than one love in your heart.

Remy had been nothing but kind, sweet, understanding, and supportive. He let you grieve and deal with things the way you needed to. If you ever asked for space, or pulled away from a kiss, he didn't get upset or disappointed. He'd just assure you it was alright. He was with you, day in and day out, practically since the snap happened. Without him, you weren’t sure you would’ve survived this long.

After all that, and everything you went through as children together, how could you not love him?

Simple: you did.

“How’d it go?” Remy asked once you got inside the hotel room. He was reading a magazine at a bar in the little kitchenette the place offered.

“Job’s finished,” you answered simply.

“So it’s Japan next?”

“Yep.”

You started to grab some quick food to make yourself some dinner. “I’m sorry to do this to you. To drag you all over the world for some… vendetta.”

“It’s alright. I know why you have to do it,” he assured.

Tears rolled down your cheeks as you smiled, pulling the food from the cabinet. Something in you told you he needed to know how you felt. That it was the right time, if there ever was a right time.

It was time to face the harsh reality that Loki wasn’t coming back. None of them were. You couldn’t live every day in his memory, drowning in grief and depression. It was time to move forward, as hard as it was, you knew it was the right decision. And doing it with Remy wouldn’t be so bad, right? He was a wonderful man with a big heart.

"For whatever it's worth, I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?” you asked through tears as you turned around to face him, a bit of a laugh coming out of you.

He looked up grinning like the devil. “I think that’s the best news I ever heard,” he countered, getting up to round the bar before he took you in a hug. “I know that was hard for you to say, cher, but I love you all the more for it,” he assured softly as he brushed his knuckles across your face.

You gently smiled before giving him a quick kiss.

It looked like this was the start to the beginning of a new chapter for you.

---------------------------------

You were in Japan now, taking care of one of the mafia that had been in power for decades here. You just decimated one of their safehouses, leaving a pile of bodies behind you. Clint was digging up more information at the moment and he would take the next hit on the mob.

Just as you grabbed Remy to go find some dinner, you two were walking down the street, it was wet from a recent rainstorm when you suddenly heard someone say your name from behind you as they grabbed your hand.

“Y/N Y/L/N?” Wade said. “Of course your Y/N who am I kidding”. He went to pull your hand.

The sudden action made you move reflexively.

As you spun, you charged his hand and as he pulled away to gasp in pain, you mustered up your dark electrical purple energy in your left fist and slammed it into his chest, the heel of your palm colliding with his sternum. It sent him flying backwards into a cart on the sidewalk. You straightened up before glancing back to Remy, confusion on your face.

“You’re not exactly friendly, are you?” the man asked as you stared at him. He was getting up, wiping the debris off himself. He was clad in a red and black suit from head to toe. “Should have known better than to try that.” His tone had a sort of whimsy to it , almost as if he was telling a joke.

“Who the hell are you?” you all but growled, your fist raised and still glowing.

Remy came up behind you though and gently lowered your arm. “Cher, I know this man.”

“You know him?” you accused, as if knowing this idiot was an inexcusable offense.

“Unfortunately, yes. This is Wade Wilson. He’s an X-Man,” Remy explained.

“Correction I am not an X-men,” he offers his hand. “Deadpool’s the name killing’s my game.” He pretended to curtsey.

Your eyes shot back to the man now known as Wade and you narrowed your gaze. “Why are you here? What do you want with me?”

“First of all, let me just say wow about that little trick of yours. Also to be fair, you overreacted,” he quipped.

“Overreacted? Some stranger just grabbed my hand. You're lucky I didn’t kill you. Now what the hell are you doing here?”

“Listen here, buttercup, I’m here on a favor of Shannon Stark. Remember her?”

Your mouth fell open slightly. “You know Shannon?”

“Yeah, we go way back!” He waved his hand. “I babysit her kid time from time but the point is, she wanted me to find you, to bring you home. She’s worried about you or something. I wasn’t really listening. I just owe her a favor so I got the gist of the mission and then said, ‘You owe me one hundred chimichangas and not the cheap stuff because I know Stark can afford the nice ones so don’t even think about skimping on --”

“Do you ever stop talking?” you interjected, glaring at him. “Wait, did you say Shannon’s kid?” This hit you like a wrecking ball.

Shannon had a child? There was… she… a child? You couldn’t wrap your head around it.

“No, he doesn’t,” Remy responded as he stared him down. “Wade, go on home now. Y/N and I don’t wanna go back. We’re happy and we are on our own.”

“Yeah see that wasn’t really part of the contract. I’m supposed to bring you back and --”

“Sorry to disappoint, but you can’t bring me back, I’m not going.”

“You’re gonna break Shannon’s heart,” he said with fake sadness.

“I already did, but nice try.” You turned and started to walk away.

“Well too bad because I don’t take no for an answer so gear up, we’re heading back now.” He went to pick you up. “And don’t try doing that little trick of yours again. Shannon said to bring you back but she didn't say in what condition.” Deadpool smirked.

“I already told you, asshat, I’m not going anywhere with you,” you replied and jumped back flaring up your purple energy. “You can just tell her you haven't found me.”

“Well it looks like that won’t be necessary. See the thing is she already knows you’re here.” Wade sing-songs. “When you weren't looking, I sent coordinates and they had been on standby.”

“You what?!” you all but shouted, terror snaking in your voice. “Remy, we have to go.” You started to turn and grab his sleeve.

Unbeknownst to you, Shannon had already gotten there and was waiting for the moment to appear.

“Are you really going to be a sack of unicorn shit and just break her heart like that?” Wade asked, cocking his head. “So much for being a good sister.”

Feeling guilty you turned to him. “She’s survived without me for this long I’m sure she’s more than fine.” You shook her head. “And what's a little heartbreak when she’s fine?”

Just then Shannon walked out of the alley she and Natasha had been waiting in. Both women went their separate ways. Shannon to you and Nat to Clint.

“So you’re really okay with breaking my heart after everything we’ve been through?” Shannon called out loud enough for you to hear. “What happened to being family?”

The sound of her voice cut you like a knife.

“You’ve got your own family now, it sounds like. I thought you’d be better off without me, and it appears I was right.” You let your hands span out beside you before falling, a sad smile on your face.

“Y/N, you’ve been gone for 5 years! You have no idea what's happened in that time.” She shook her head. “We may have found a way to reverse what Thanos did, but we need you—I need you.” She stretched her hand out to you.

“Sorry to ruin the moment but I’ve done my part,” Wade interrupted the moment. “Now when do I get my chimichangas?”

You eyed Wade for a moment, irritated with him after only five minutes. Then your gaze shot to Shannon’s hand.

“Really, Wade? Couldn’t this wait till after we got back?” Shannon asked, looking a little annoyed. “Plus they’re at the cabin, hidden because you got Morgan addicted to those!” she retorted.

Sheepish, he ducked his head. “It’s not my fault the kid hasn't tried all the good stuff.” Shrugging, he added, “It’s not like they’ll harm her anyways.”

“Just get back to the quinjet.” Shannon turned her head facing you again as Wade retreated. “Sorry about that, he can be a lot to handle sometimes.”

“Clearly. Much like, was it, Morgan? A child? You have a child?” There was venom and betrayal in your voice. Although, to be fair, she had no way to reach out to you to give you any news. That was on you.

“We can talk all about it, if you come back with me.”

“Why do you need me?” you questioned.

“It’s an all hands on deck sort of situation. You’re just about the only one who stands a chance against him.”

“But last time--”

“Last time was different. We know what we’re up against now. There may be a way to reverse it. To get everyone back.”

Tears pricked at your eyes. You hadn’t cried over Loki in some time. He was on your mind, every day, always, but the grief laden sobs had slowly died down over the last five years.

“Don’t promise something you can’t deliver,” you warned, your fist balled up. You could tell Remy was getting worried at your side. “I can’t go through this again.”

She stepped even closer to you, taking your hand. “You won’t. We will win this time. I promise. You need to come home, Y/N. It’s time.”

You looked back to Remy who gave you a look that told you this was your choice, your call. You knew he’d follow you anywhere, no matter what you chose.

You heaved a sigh and turned back to Shannon, giving a firm nod to let her know you were in. This is what you’d been waiting for. Now it was finally here, and even if it meant possibly losing everything again, going through the same pain again, it was worth it to try and get everyone back. To get him back.

Once everyone was back on the quinjet. Things got a bit quieter. You had fallen asleep, leaning on Remy. Shannon walked over to the two of you and covered you in a blanket.

“Here, she’ll get cold soon, she always does when she’s on here.” She smiled sadly seeing just how tired and bruised you looked. “I’ll let Tony know you’ll be staying with us. Did you want to share the room with Y/N or your own?” she asked, unsure of the situation.

“We can share a room, that'll be fine. Thank you, Shannon. It’s good to see you again.”

“Okay. Is there anything you guys might need right away? It’s good to see you too.”

Remy shook his head. “Nah, we should be good. Thank you though.”

“Alright then but if anything comes to mind let me know okay?”

“Will do.”

Unforseen Chasm Tag list- @reigningqueenofwords​ @oldfreakything​ @adefectivedetective​ @dontbetooobvious​

Tag list- @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you​ @winchester-writes​ @winchesterenthusiast​ @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog   @sammysbuttcheek @misz-adrii @sandlee44 @womanxofletters @natsuccs @childishhoebinoo @expecteddifferent @girl-next-door-writes @fanaticfanfiction @dakotapaigelove @sassy-spn-knight-of-hell @reigningqueenofwordsmain @oldfreakything

Marvel: @reigningqueenofwords @flowerbunbunny @zelda2248 @misz-adrii

[pastelbatfandoms]

Fanfic Asks

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today? It was a Sailor Moon one titled Save Our World I wrote it on a bunch of loose leaf paper and I mean I wish I could still reread it but the Binder it was in disappeared after I moved out of My Dad’s years ago. along with all My other Sailor Moon Fics and Drawings....Still abit Bitter over that anyway...It was about Sailor Saturn saving The World because Moon couldn’t,it was ok but I don’t think I needed to describe each and every Sailor Scout that showed up lol The ending Battle was cool though. 

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come? That I’ve published on here My AHS Apocalypse Story ‘Half God/Half Devil’,That I haven’t Published on here yet,My Freddy Krueger Story ‘The Dream Lovers.’ I think I’ve come far in certain aspects but I still think I was a pretty good writer at 13 yrs. My Stories are more Mature now but they do at times lack the imagination My older one’s had. 

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic? My ‘Wells of Hearts’ one from The Flash

4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic? My WWE ‘Cat and Mouse’ Fic.

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that? Besides Wells of Hearts, My TWD One ‘Kings and Queen of Disaster.’

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that? Nope

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)? ALL OF THEM lol They’re are Two I will probably not finish though because of Lack of interest and lack of Music Videos. My Teen Wolf one and My Gotham one.

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)? Wells of Hearts

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material? No,I have to have inspiration. and watching or reading the source material is the best way to get inspiration and reading Fanfics!

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it? No

11. Have you ever written a fic for a concept you know someone else has done before? How did it impact your writing process or feelings after posting? No that’s almost plagiarism...maybe when I was younger and didn’t know better.

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why? My Sailor Moon Fics and Older WWE/WWF Stories just because I never typed them up or posted them to anything until now.

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today? I’m WAY more of a Smutty Fan Girl lol

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today? ^^ That

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular? Maybe idr

16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention? Yes

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic? My Shane Mcmahon one’s...lol

18. What’s your most underrated fic? Everything else! lol jk My Wells of Hearts Story and My Dean Ambrose one.

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick? 

20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down? Nah

21. If someone starts kudosing and commenting your fics in a spree and has a few works of their own, would you go look through theirs? Yeah if by some Miracle that actually happened!

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed? Nope

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten? On My unfortunately now Dead Gotham Story ‘One Hell of a Butler.’

24. What’s the meanest review you’ve ever gotten? Do you think the reviewer intended it? None

25. What constructive criticism, however well-meaning, always makes you feel bad when you see it in a review?

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised?

27. If you could only ever write crossovers or single-fandom fics ever again, which would you pick? Single Fandom.

28. if you could only ever write for a single crossover or a single fandom again, which would you pick? Um yeah not happening. Maybe WWE...

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy? 

30. Do you continue to write for a fandom after you’ve moved on or do you focus solely on the new one?

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right?  Robert Englund’s not the easiest but he IS a real person lol 

32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying? Eobard Thawne

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up? Yes with Eobard and yes I like to think so.

34. Was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? Was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way?

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to? No

36. Have you ever sincerely written a ship you do not support into a fic? No

37. Have you ever purposefully bashed a character/ship in a fic? No

38. Have you ever purposefully written something you know your readers would find uncomfortable/would not enjoy? If yes, why? um No idk

39. Do you consider yourself to have a readership? 

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content? lol No

41. If you cross-post your fics on multiple sites, do you have a favorite? Are there certain fics you would only post on certain site?

42. How many views has your most popular fic gotten? Cat and Mouse. Pt 1 has 60 notes,pt 2 has 88 Notes and pt 3 has 56 notes!

43. Your least popular?  Surprisingly My Harry Potter one ‘A Perfect Distraction,’ It only has 1 Note! C’mon guys I KNOW they’re are Lucius Malfoy Fangirls!!

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received? No

45. If you had to call yourself an author of a single genre (besides fanfic) what label would you give yourself? Smut lol

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author? um sure

47. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? Yes. depends on what they like. but probably My Riverdale one ‘Mughead.” It’s the most pg.

48. Does anyone you know from outside of fandom know you write fanfic? Are they involved in the same fandom too? Yep and some

49. Has anyone in your life ever read your fanfic just because you wrote it? Yes My Mom

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive? I think so.

Also here’s My Masterlist

[motherof4dragons]

Sample Chapter

I've been writing fan fiction, but I recently started a fan fic that I really enjoyed the premise of.  I thought I could really do something with it outside of the fandom.  I read a ton, and did some research on 2nd chance fictions and friends to lovers stroeis and I think this would be pretty unique in the genre.  

So I stripped the story of all of the original content that connected it to the fandom and tried to write a first chapter, or first several chapters depending on size for a "real" book.  Please tell me if it's ok, and if it is too closely resembling it's origin content.  I'm purposefully leaving out any tags so that maybe someone who doesn't normally know what I write about can read it hopefully not draw the connections to the fandom.  Does that make sense?  Try to read it as if you just picked the book up off of Kindle's 1.99 list.

------------------

May 2018

I’m in the middle of discussing today’s surgery with my patient and her family when I hear my phone and my pager go off simultaneously.  That’s never a good sign.  Giving my patient my best Anderson smile, I look at my pager, then swipe across the front of my phone.  Both alert me to the same thing.

MASS SHOOTING ETA 15 minutes out.

I learned long ago to turn the news alerts off on my phone, otherwise I wouldn't be able to concentrate on my day without worrying about what my day could turn into.  So 15 minutes out for us means the shooting probably started a half hour to an hour ago, which means I need to get a move on it.

 I turn back to my patient and her family and put an end to our pre-op conversations.

“Excuse me guys, I am so sorry. It looks like we may have to put todays surgery on hold, there’s been an emergency. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” I pat my patient on her back, shake her husband’s hand and leave the room as quickly as I can.

Heading out of the patient’s room and to the nurse’s station, I put the tablet back on the charging station then head to the surgery board where I know everybody will be meeting. Sean, though not technically our chief of staff anymore, is up front leading the charge.

“Ok people, we have a mass casualty event. Shooting at the mall. We can expect the majority of the victims to come to us. We don’t have an estimate yet as to how many that may be, but it sounds like he got a lot of rounds off before he was taken down by a civilian. The ambulances are waiting on the all clear to start scooping them up. I want OR’s 1-5 on constant rotation. Don’t take the time to make it pretty people, get in and get out. All elective and non-emergent surgeries have been cancelled and the patients that can be are being discharged. Move all non-critical ER patients to the clinic. The blood bank is sending up all available units. I want every available surgeon in the pit in 5. Get a move on it.”

I’m a reconstructive surgeon.  I trained as a plastic surgeon, but I really dislike that title.  I don’t work with plastic.  I work with people.  That’s not to say that plastic doesn’t have its place.  I think every human has the right to feel good about themselves, and if that means a person needs a boob job or a butt implant, then the more power to them.  And that’s not to say that I don’t still do the occasional ‘plastics’ job.  Liposuction keeps the lights on as my old mentor used to say.  But my specialty is reconstructive surgery.  I take something that was once beautiful, but damaged due to life and circumstance, and make it beautiful once again.  I specialize in burn victims and gender reaffirmation surgeries.  Two of the toughest life events any person will ever have to face. I’m to the point in my career where I can pick and choose what surgeries I want to do, so I do the occasional pro-bono cleft palate surgery to make the soul feel good too.  I’m a board certified ENT as well, but that really only falls into play with burn victims, and the occasional hard intubation in the emergency room. But no matter their specialty, a surgeon is still a surgeon. And a requirement for working at a hospital like Riley’s Memorial is that you have to be proficient in trauma.  We’re the largest hospital in the state, with a trauma and burn department that is world renown.  If you get severely hurt in the state of Colorado, there’s a large possibility that you’ll end up with us.

Noah takes the time to swing by his locker to hang his coat up then heads  down to the pit.

--

 “Anderson, have you talked to Lizzy today?” Sean stops and sticks his head into the trauma room Noah is just finishing up in. Superficial injuries, but she cut herself pretty bad on something running away from the shooting, and had an eight inch laceration that required stitched. Normally I would have a resident or intern do it, but it’s in a pretty visible spot, and I wanted it done right.  Every wound I can repair properly now is one I won’t have to go back in to fix at a later date.

“No, why?”

“Because several of the victims are saying they were triaged on scene by someone who says they were a doctor.”

“So what?”

“A redheaded female doctor.”

Elizabeth Marie Stewart, former trauma surgeon and current Assistant Department Head of Public Health.  She also happens to be the mother of my children, my ex-wife, and the probable love of my life.  And yes, she is a red headed female doctor.

We’ve gotten the first wave of ambulances emptied and into the emergency department. I did notice that some patients have the trauma triage color codes written on their bodies, but I just assumed that they didn’t have the tags at the scene.  However, that’s a trick they use out in the field in the military, and both Sean and I know it.

The chances of that being Lizzy are pretty small, but I snap off my gloves and pull my phone out of my pocket anyways. We just went to church together with Lillian this past weekend. She didn’t mention going to the mall this week, but then why would she. We may share a daughter, and since her accident, we’re back to being good friends, but long gone are the days where I got daily reports of her plans and movements.

After 4 rings it goes to her voicemail. “Hey Liz It’s me. Listen, I know this is going to sound weird, but there was a shooting at the mall, I’m sure you’ll have heard about it by the time you get this, And I bet you’ll get a kick out of this but some of the patients are saying they were triaged by a redheaded dr. So now I’m worried about you. Call me back."

Thought of her at that mall, despite how improbable that may be makes my heart speed up a little. I decide to shoot her a text too.

Noah: Hey. Mass shooting at the mall. Check in with me please.

I debate sending a text to her husband, but I think Lizzy said he’s out of town, so I put my phone back in my pocket and try to shake it off, then head back into the fray.

  --

“Next wave coming in guys!”

I’m in the middle of assessing a middle aged man with a gunshot wound to the thigh, through and through. Whoever is on the scene knows what they were doing, that’s for sure. The patient’s own belt is wrapped around his upper leg to stem the blood loss and the words “yellow tag” were written in blue ink across his forearm. He told a more exaggerated story of the redheaded angel running into the middle of the bloodshed single handedly saving every person she touched.  The guy is seriously smitten.  It’s one of the more extreme versions of the story of the red head I’ve heard today, and I’ve heard variations of the same thing from multiple sources over the last hour.  The more we hear, the more I’m afraid it may really be Lizzy.  She hasn’t replied back to my messages yet.

And then he hears Her.

“22 yr old female, 3 gun shot wounds to the right arm, hip and thigh. Approx. 2 liters blood loss in the field. 2 large bore ivs placed in route. Her driver’s license states she’s o+ so let’s get a trauma panel, type and cross match and get blood hung. We also gave 4 of morphine. She’s passed out but she’s going to hurt like a bitch when she comes to. I need ortho in here stat, her pelvis is probably shattered. Get me x-rays and then let’s get her up to an OR. And someone find me a pair of scrubs please.”

Lizzy’s voice is authoritative and electric. The sound of it issuing out commands flashes me back to ages before. The ER is her domain, even if she hasn’t stepped foot in it for over 2 years. I can’t see her, but I can see the ER’s response to her. Residents and nurses that know her are scattering in different directions to obey her orders. The interns in the room with me are watching the chaos in awe, this stranger who can waltz in and command everyone’s immediate obedience. She yells out louder than the other orders, “also someone find Davis to give me privileges!” I look up and meet Emma’s eyes to see my grin echoed on her face. “Stewart’s back” she says and snaps her gloves off to go help Lizzy.

Emma takes two steps out of the trauma room and freezes. “Shit” she says with passion, then quieter, “Noah.”

I move to where she is standing, and feel the grin melt off my face and my blood run cold. Lizzy is in skinny jeans and what may have once been a lighter colored t shirt. Her red medusa like hair is piled on her head in a messy bun with hair streaming down around her face. And Lizzy is covered head to foot in blood and gore. While most of it probably isn’t hers, some of it obviously is. She has a bandage wrapped haphazardly around her left upper arm, and there is a small trickle of blood still dripping down off of her bent elbow. She’s wearing gloves, but it’s apparent from the distorted color of them that there is just as much blood inside the gloves as outside.  Seeing the blood all over her body, I feel all the blood drain completely out of mine.

“Lizzy, oh my god Lizzy were you shot?”  Emma’s the first to react, moving towards Lizzy and the patient.

She looks down at her arm like she’d forgotten about it and shrugs, hands still on the patient.

“It was just a flesh wound. Noah, can you call the nanny and have her pick up Lillian today?  Have them go back to your house. Nathan and River are going to be at his parents’ house for the rest of the week still. I told the paramedics on scene to send all non-critical to St. Mary’s Hospital so that we could concentrate on the critical. The first paramedics to arrive tried to give me push back until Warren showed up, then they let me control the scene. Where’s my ortho consult?”

I’m standing there looking at her like an idiot.  I hear her speaking, but for some reason none of it is computing in my mind.  She’s just so casual, like this is an everyday occurrence.  Yes, rearranging childcare isn’t exactly a new situation, seeing how our entire community are either doctors or in the medical field.  But this, this catastrophe she just walked in with?  This certainly isn’t our normal operating method.  Wait a minute? Warren knew she was there and didn’t bother to give us a heads up? As soon as I see him I’m going to kick his fucking ass.

The sight of a nurse coming in with a set of black scrubs finally spurs me into motion, and I take them from her.

“Emma, take over the patient. Lizzy, come on, let’s get you stitched up.”

“Just throw some antiseptic on it and I’ll worry about it later.” The portable x-ray is in here now and she steps back, momentarily putting the safety coveralls on while the pictures are taken.  I cringe at the amount of blood I can now see on the inside of the x-ray shield.  It’ll need to be hosed down before it can be used again. And why am I worried about the x-ray shields?  I wonder if I’m going into shock just from the close contact of Lizzy. 

“ELIZABETH!”  I yell it out into the room, voice laced with all the fear and anger and frustration I possess and feel rather than see half the department stop and look at me.

When she finally turns to face me head on, her shoulders fall and her face softens. I don’t know what she sees on my face, but it makes her acquiesce to my request. She nods sharply and starts to remove her gloves, tossing them onto the floor with the rest of the trash.

Alex comes into the trauma room grinning, arms crossed over his chest, light on his feet despite the situation. “You know Stewart, if you missed us that much all you had to do was call. There was no need to get yourself shot.”

Lizzy returns his grin ear to ear. “You know me Davis, I like the drama. I’ll meet you guys upstairs, which OR?”

Davis’ eyes flick to me momentarily and I read the concern in them with years of practice. I nod, not giving my ok but acknowledging that I’ll take care of her.

“OR 4 should be ready for turnover in 20. I expect you clean and stitched before you enter my scrub room Stewart.”

“Sheesh Davis, the power’s gone to your head hasn’t it? Fine. Have ortho stabilize her before she goes up.”

We start to walk out of the trauma bays towards the elevator when we hear Davis call out “good to have to you back Stewart.”

--

We head into the attending’s locker room and I walk straight thru to the bathing area to turn on the shower. I put the scrubs on the counter and go back out into the locker area to find some soap and shampoo for her. She’s taking off her tennis shoes and examines them critically before tossing them into the corner. Her t-shirt comes off and goes straight into the trash. She has her hands on her jeans and is halfway thru pulling down the zipper when she looks at me. It takes her cocking her eyebrow at me before I realize I’m staring at her half naked. God she’s beautiful. But that’s not what I’m staring at, not really.

If our bodies are a road map, hers has taken some very painful turns.  I can see the faint outlines of her chest tube scars across her chest, upraised and evident with the goo coating her. I see the jagged c section scar low under her belly button above her panty line where our daughter was pulled from her body. The dried blood all over her torso is horrifying.  It’s left weird patterns on her skin as it’s dried through and from the contact of her clothing.  She almost looks like a walking Rorschach painting.   And I think, this is the third time she’s almost been taken from me. The thought makes me sick.

I put the bottles I took out if Amanda’s locker into the shower stall, then turn and pull her towards me. I embrace her harder then I mean to, and seeing as she’s married to another man, and half naked, it’s completely inappropriate, but I can’t let her go.  

“Noah? I know Noah, I know.”  She squeezes me back tight, then takes in a shaking breath herself.  “I can’t, I can’t fall apart yet Noah.  There’s still stuff to do.  We can’t fall apart yet.”  She sounds like she’s trying to separate herself from me but still, she doesn’t try to pull away and I tighten my hold just a little more.  She runs her hands soothingly over my back and I bury my nose in her hair. Even under all of the blood I can still smell her flowery conditioner.  “I’m alright Noah. I’m alright”  

When I feel myself on the verge of cracking, I let her go and quickly wipe the moisture from my eyes. “You shower, I’m going to go get a suture kit. We have about 15 minutes before they’ll be ready for you. I’m assuming you’re wanting to operate? You haven’t been in a surgery suite in a while.”

“I’ve kept all my certifications up to date and done more continuing education credits than I’m required to, due to boredom mainly.  I still do ride alongs on a quarterly basis.  And I think I proved today my trauma skills are still sharp."  She points at me before she resumes the removal of her pants.  "You need to change your scrubs too, you’re covered in blood now.” I look at myself and see that she’s right. Her blood covered imprint is now on my shirt.  It’s hard to tell from the dark color of the material, but I can see the strange patterns the blood has left on the fabric.

I decide to ignore the boredom statement, but push it into the back of my mind to consider later. “Ok. I’ll be right back.” I pull her to me one more time and kiss her forehead, blood and all, then leave the bathing area and shut the door behind me. I lean against the door after I shut it and try to gather my thoughts.  Lizzy, my Lizzy, was shot.  Never before have I been so happy we got Lillian into that fancy preschool. I don’t know what I would have done if they had both been there. The thought makes my knees weak. But there’s luck there for another reason too. There are a lot of people alive right now because Lizzy was in that mall today. If Lillian had been with her she would have been protecting her instead of helping all those people. She’s a hero.  Another wave of adrenalin or some other hormone shoots thru me, and I will myself to calm down.  I’ve felt on the verge of a panic attack since I first laid eyes on her, but she’s right.  Now is not the time.  We still have stuff to do today.  

Get yourself together Anderson. Scrubbing my hands vigorously over my head, I push off from the door and head out in search of a suture kit. When I see a supply cart, I grab supplies to draw some blood too. With that much blood mixing over her we’d better do some blood tests at well. Rapid HIV, blood counts, std’s, pregnancy, the works.  Oh god.  The thought of Lizzy pregnant makes me feel sick.  I let myself into the drug closet and grab the lidocaine and some pain killers, then head back into the lounge and place it all on the table. I’m getting everything set up with a bottle of water on the table for her when she comes back out of the shower.

To my surprise, she has the scrub bottoms on but not the scrub top. She has the towel wrapped around her torso, but they aren’t really made to wrap all the way around a woman’s curves, so there’s a damp line of bare skin showing from her shoulder to where the scrubs start low on her hip. She’s run her hair through the towel, and it is hanging damp down her back, wavy from the water instead of her usual beach curls. It’s darker that way, and I’m transported to a time when she would leave the bathroom like that, towel dried and damp, and climb naked into the bed we shared.

I have no idea what has gotten into me all of a sudden, and luckily she doesn’t seem to notice as she wanders over to the lockers. I should not be thinking of Lizzy this way. The only excuse I have is the stress and hormones pushing thru my system at the thought of her being hurt at that mall.

“I had to toss my bra, I couldn’t put that thing back on again, and I didn’t want to put the scrub top on until you stitched me up in case I got blood on it too. As you can see I kept the bandage on and it’s probably pretty gnarly under there. Emma used to keep a full change of clothes in her locker. Do you think she still does?” She pops the door open and bends down to the bag in the bottom. “Aha” she says, so I assume she found what she was looking for. “Don’t peek” she says, then drops the towel after she moves so that her back is facing the door. She puts the bra on upside down and backwards in the way that women do, and begins to rotate it to the front. I do the complete opposite of not peeking and stare at her as I have been since she walked into the ER this morning until I feel my cock start to twitch, then I quickly avert my eyes.

When she comes and sits at the table with me, I find that looking at her with Emma’s bra on is worse than seeing her bare back and sides. Whereas Lizzy always favored bras with the firm cups that offered extra support, this bra is low and lacy, and I can see the outline of her nipples thru the thin fabric.

Clearing my throat, I hand her the Tylenol and the water bottle and wrap the band around her good arm to draw her blood.

“Any chance you could be pregnant?”

”No.  Definitely not.”  I ignore the wave of relief that passes through me at her firm assurance.  I tell myself it’s just because I hate the thought of her endangering an unborn child with her stunt today and not because I hate the idea of her having another man’s baby.

”I’m going to test for everything ok?”  Her only response is a nod.

That done, I turn her to the side so that I have access to her bad arm as it rests on the table.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“Well really, this is all your fault.”

“MY fault?! How so?”

“Well, you know Lilly starts dance class next week. And I was going to go to payless to get her tap and ballet shoes, and then I heard your voice in my head going ‘really Liz, Payless?’ So I went to that specialty store in the mall that costs 4 times as much for the exact same thing.”

I scoff at her, then tell her “This is going to burn” As I unwrap her arm.  She was right about it being gnarly. I know from past experience that she has a high pain tolerance, but she must have a pain tolerance thru the roof, because the wound is ugly and jagged, and deeper than I feel comfortable with. It’s more a thru and thru than a graze in my opinion, but there doesn’t appear to be any muscle compromise, and she’s obviously been using it ok. I grab the antiseptic to clean in.  I nod my head in her direction and tell her, “Go On.” Her face pinches tight for a minute, but whether it’s from the pain or the story I don’t know.

“I was in line to pay when it started. I heard the first shot and froze, unsure about what I was hearing, but then the next started rapid and close together and there was no doubt. I dropped my bag onto the register counter and told the clerk to go hide in the back room. She told me to come with her, but I knew there’d be injured. I’m a war trained trauma surgeon so…” She trails off and shrugs again, then winces. With the adrenalin fading I bet she’s starting to feel it more now.

“I grabbed a sharpie I saw on the counter, and started heading towards where everyone was leaving. He started in the food court I think. It’s a weekday, so it’s not as bad as it could have been, but it was bad enough. I was able to hug the wall and inch towards where it was coming from. There were two civilians, ex-military from the look of them, doing the same thing. They told me to scram, but I told them I was an army surgeon, and if there were wounded I was going to help. I couldn’t get too close to the action for fear of being shot myself, but when he started strolling, he was just walking as calm as could be Noah, like he didn’t have a care in the world.  That was more disconcerting than him opening fire.  He didn’t seem mad, or insane.  He was just going for a stroll in the mall.  With a bag full of automatic weapons.”

Aa a trauma center, we often see the results from the worse of humanity.  I’ve treated rape victims and rapists.  Assault victims and people arrested for murder.  This isn’t even our first face to face with an active gunman.  But this time feels different.  And hearing her retell the story to me is haunting.

“He was going the opposite direction from us, so I started darting in and pulling wounded to the side, triaging as I went. I used the marker to tag them as I felt appropriate, did what I could to stop the bleeding or ease the patient with what little I had, which was nothing of course, and went on to the next one. Ike and Mike we’ll call them, split, one on either side of the corridor, so when he dropped both guns to grab another pair they went at him from both sides. That’s when I got hit. He got a spray off as he was being brought down and I’d gotten too close pulling a victim with an abdominal wound to safety. They broke his arm. Bad.”

“Good.” Somehow I managed to keep my hands steady through her story despite my heart rate racing and my system flooding with adrenalin. So she didn’t just happen to be close to the shooting. She ran into it. The fucking mother of my children ran towards gunfire with no regard for her, her children or anyone who cares about her. I close my eyes and take a hissing breath in through my nose, trying to calm my raging emotions.  I place my hands flat on the table for a moment to try to center myself.  I can feel her watching me.  This is going to be a make or break moment between us.  If I react wrong, this could end very badly.  I pull my composure out of the surgeons vault, and when I reach for my supplies again my hands are steady.  I can actually see some of the tension leave her body at my choice not to throw down with her right now.

“Here comes the stitching.” I’m going to kill her with my bare hands. I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my entire life, and lord knows Lizzy’s done a lot to piss me off over the years. Her phone rings, and she picks it up and hits ignore. 20 seconds later it’s ringing again. Releasing a big sigh, she answers it this time. Her voice is overly perky and it takes me off guard for a minute, helping to calm my raw nerves.

“Yea I heard about that. Crazy huh? No no, of course we’re ok. I was thinking about going to the hospital though and seeing if they need any help.” There’s a lull in her side of the conversation here, and I can tell by the tightening of her posture that whatever being said is making her less than happy. “Of course, no, you’re right, they don’t need me. Yea. Ok. You too.” She puts her phone down and turns her face to me giving me a half smile.

“I’ve been contemplating coming back to the hospital, have I told you that?” Her statement takes me by surprise. She hasn’t given me any indication that she was anything less than satisfied with her work at the clinic.  I wonder if she’s told anyone else this.

“Nathan, he doesn’t want me to. If I told him about all, this” and here she uses her free hand and wiggles it around in the air, indicating everything and nothing at once “He’d probably think I arranged the shooting on purpose.”

“Lizzy, he’s your husband. Don’t you think he’d want to know you’ve been hurt?”

“I’ll tell him later tonight. It’s not a big deal, and you took care of me.”  She says it with surety and confidence and fixes me with a sweet smile.  I’ll always take care of her. “Are we almost done?” She twists sideways to try to get a look at the wound. I could have done it a lot quicker, but I’m tired of seeing scars all over her body. So I took my time, and hopefully in a few months we’ll have only the faintest memory that this ever happened. I put some gauze over it, then a bandage over that, when wrap some of the double sided sticky wrap over top of all of that. The need to continue to touch her, to reassure myself that she is in fact ok is overwhelming, so I push her hair behind her ears and cup her face in my hand. Instead of pulling away, she leans into it, putting one of her hands over mine and closing her eyes, breathing in deep.  We stay that way for a few moments.  Breathing and ensuring each other of our presence.  But times a ticking and I’m sure they’ve started without her.

“Come oh trauma goddess, let’s get you to the OR.” I pull her to her feet, watch her put her top on, and then follow her out of the room.