#my therapist is out of ideas of how i should deal with her bc she won't improve herself

[eekwinn]

Ah, for my birthday this year my mother seems to think the best present is to tell me therapy and medication have done nothing so I should try an alternative pseudo-science acupressure technique for my anxiety that she learned on youtube! And when I decline we get in a fight because she doesn't want to see a therapist.

The woman whose husband is only kept alive by modern medicine, who herself is on blood pressure medication, who had a c-section or otherwise would've died in childbirth, is skeptical about the medications her daughters are on for their mental health. So fun.

[catiuskaa]

new task: valentine’s day.

PAIRING! seungmin x reader ; enemies/rivals2lovers!

SUMMARY: boring classes, boring classmates, boring assignments…to seungmin, everyone is boring even if he’s used to pretend otherwise, but you seem to get on his nerves. you, your stupid poem, and his stupid letter.

WC: 10.6k (OH MY FUCKING GOD)

CW: it’s like fluffy comfort because I say so, kim seungmin supremacy (YES), use of spanglish (just on the text messages bc yes, it’s not relevant to the plot, dw), use of text format for plot convenience (and a whole bunch of emojis and colors), the reader is stupidly short (which i know all about), use of cliché valentine and enemies2lovers tropes (BECAUSE THEY ARE FUN AND THEY WORK), academic rivals (we love to see it), bad student reader x good student seungmin (like bad/mean girl x good boy ish), mentions of the unability to deal with complicated feelings, mentions of masking feelings, slight hint of bullying?, mentions of being followed, use of (pet)names because I don’t like using ‘y/n’: little one, shortie, shortcake, smallable, pretty, (yes i’m just petty like that, sue me), hyunjin as a walking therapist, and the ending is almost a reference to a show i'm obsessed with (not gonna say it so i don't spoil it for you guys hehehe)

SPECIAL THANKS! To my lovely pookies @lyramundana and @tonks-21 for ideas and support, plus also, most of the classmate’s names are thanks to gorgeous gourgeous @stayconnecteed and her spanishverse series bc i’m so invested! Go check all of their blogs out! 100% recommend. son mis chicas españolitas, hehe<3

A/N: alone on valentine’s day? same for me, pookie! but dontchu worry, mister kim seungmin is here to help us out<3 (and if not, we can always help each other😚🫶)

[☆★🌷★☆]

{PROLOGUE: THE GROUPCHAT}

At first, you didn’t really know him.

To think for a second that there was a time where you didn’t know who he was made you sigh. Oh, how you wish you had never, ever encountered him.

…Kim Seungmin.

Some may say that ‘rivals’ or ‘enemies’ is a term that could seem too intense regarding a simple statement: that you two didn’t get along.

But no. Because those kind of words were exactly how you’d define your relationship.

And it had all started the first day of your last year before graduating. When you made the class groupchat.

> you created ‘Year 13-A 😼😼’

> you added ‘lucas🤺’ ‘atenea🛐’ ‘noa🫶’ and 16 more.

> you: guys help, am I missing people?

> you: @ atenea🛐 told me to create this group for homework n stuff but idk if I have everyone’s numbers 😵‍💫😵‍💫

< noa🫶: tía you’re missing two people no?

< lara💋: hala, new people?? 👀

< noa🫶: pero- they’re literally from the other group, girl

< abril🌻: you even know them lara

< abril🌻: se te va la pinza JAJSJA

< miguel📚: sí, there should be 22 people (creo)

> you: oh right, Lix told me!

> you: yeah i’ll add them now, brb 🏃‍♀️

Well.

Rookie mistake.

> you added ‘kim seungmin™️’, ‘hyunjin🎨’

> you: omg i even added everyone

< lucas🤺: omg omg

< kim seungmin™️: omg omg so crazyy

You rolled your eyes, smiling slightly as you texted. But that was just because you hadn’t talked to him before.

Now was a different story, of course. You wouldn’t smile, not for Kim Seungmin.

> you: @ kim seungmin™️ what was crazy is how difficult it was finding someone who had your phone number, lol

< han(gry)🐿️🎙️: fr fr omg

< lucas🤺: que es omg

< lucas🤺: ‘oh me gustas’ ? omg?

< lara💋: you’re such an idiot, asshole

< lucas🤺: ohhh you love me so bad 😌😌😌

< isabel🌸: she knows better lol

< lucas🤺: dude, you’re my sister

< lucas🤺: shouldn’t you be backing me?

< isabel🌸: there’s a fee for that, dude.

You giggled at the stupid teasing, used to your mates’ shenanigans that never ceased to make you laugh.

But then, he replied.

< kim seungmin™️: @ you the only difficult thing here is you reaching graduation

…

Your smile faded.

You read that once more. Then again. And another time.

You chuckled dryly.

What was this guy on about?

> you: ah? wdym?

You remember thinking that maybe he was joking. That maybe he was someone who talked to people with a lot of harsh remarks without really meaning them. That maybe he was trying to be funny, or something.

Other texts showed up, but Kim Seungmin —named like so in the contact Felix had shared to you— wasn’t replying.

< minho🐈: guys wtf it’s 00:12

< lucas🤺: oh he uses the other clock

< lucas🤺: so its am-pm for us but not for you

< lucas🤺: think you’re special? wanna fight?

< noa🫶: lucas just shut up and go to bed

< han(gry)🐿️🎙️: damn right 🛌🛌🛌

< miguel📚: guys, stop texting 😓

> you: yeah guys lol

< minho🐈: no u started this

< minho🐈: u shush

You snickered softly, used to Minho’s humour, quickly playing along.

> you: ?! unfair ☝️🤓

< kim seungmin™️: no, minho’s right for once

< kim seungmin™️: you should shush

< kim seungmin™️: you’re less annoying when you’re quiet

You frowned at your phone, your face contorted in angry confussion.

Who did this guys think he was?

With a huff, you typed a rapid “gtg guys!”, ignoring Seungmin’s texts, and quickly settled your phone back on your pocket, getting off the bus and finally arriving home.

You groaned, the text that that Seungmin idiot had sent still rolling in your head even after you laid in bed. You passed your hands through your hair.

“Difficult to reach graduation?” You mumbled, eyes fixated ln the chatroom the sentence feeling like acid in your mouth.

Kim Seungmin wasn’t ready for how difficult his last year was going to be, solely for his stupid text message.

[☆★🌷★☆]

{ACT 1: NOT A LOVEFOOL… YET}

To be in the same class group than him was slightly tolerable.

Is what you’d like to say if you were in a good mood. But it wasn’t the case.

You were mad. As fuck.

“I just need you to give it a chance,” Miss Fernández stated once more, and you had to hold back to not roll your eyes at her.

“But Miss. I know that this subject is difficult and that he could, uh, help me out with the project,” you muttered reluctantly, because on normal circumstances, you wouldn’t go as far as to let Kim Seungmin help you with chemistry. Not ever.

You weren’t in need of help that desperatly.

And that was a fact, not a matter of ifs, buts, or maybes. That was an absolute. Something that lovely-yet-not-so-much teacher Lucía Fernández, spanish accent and all, was not getting.

“Listen. We both know that your grade is the best I can offer considering your behaviour in my class, despite of your average knowledge of the subject. And in this case, I am offering to set that aside if you work on these following assignments with your classmate Seungmin.”

Her harsh tone was also an absolute, and that made you clench your jaw. You blamed Lucas for her attitude towards you —after all, that one accident with a Bunsen Burner had been mostly his fault—, but you breathed in, trying to offer your most pity-inducing grin.

Judging by her glare, it wasn’t working.

“Miss, I—”

“I’m sorry.” She didn’t look like she was. “It’s my last word. And I think that after coming three days to my office on each of your free periods, this is getting a bit tiring.” She sighed, adjusting her glasses by a soft push of her finger.

Nope. She definetely wasn’t sorry.

Witholding a groan you left her office, and huffed as the door closed behind you, swiftly heading to meet your group of friends when they got out of their Biology lesson in other building within the school grounds.

It was a chilly evening, maybe not too much from what one could expect for the first week of February, still one that made you hide your face in your scarf and you hands in your jacket pockets.

You settled your headphones where they belonged, humming to the music to hold back the need to rant and rave against your chemistry teacher, when your phone dinged.

< henry li🫧: everything ok? saw you in lucifer’s office rn

< henry li🫧: did you do smth again? you cheekyyy 🙊

You gingerly laughed, and started typing out your answer, when, out of nowhere, you bumped against someone, making all of the books that they were carrying fall down of their grasp.

You pursed your lips, then pressed them in a thin line. Staring at their— his back, you saw that his backpack was almost empty. Why the fuck would he carry all of his books on his hands then?

The guy had quickly bent down to get his books back, and you followed too, taking your headphones off and quickly trying to prevent the papers from getting wet because of the floor, that was damp from the rain before, when your hands softly brushed against each other, still, you forced yourself to ignore it.

“I’m so…” the word dissapeared in your mouth.

“It’s ok, don’t… oh.” He blinked, his face showing nothing. For fuck’s sake.

Why did it always have to be him?

He swiftly took all of the things from you, as if your touch could be worse than the wet floor. You frowned, feeling a cold shiver trail up your spine, and you crossed your arms in front of you, struggling to seek some warmth.

“Watch it, little one.” He mocked with a light smirk. “I might accidentally step on you one day.”

You looked at him through your eyelashes. What. An. Idiot. You passed a hand through your hair, chuckling dryly.

“I-,” you sighed, shaking your head sideways. “Nah, you know what? I don’t have time for this crap.” You smiled at him widely, full of sarcasm.

But just when you were about to leave, you felt a tug at your sleeve, the fabric of your shirt not thick enough to hide the warmth of Seungmin’s grasp on your forearm. You frowned, confused at the lack of any uncomfortable feelings because of it. There was none, but rather a need to cover yourself with it and wear it like a jacket.

“Did you fix it?”

You blinked, trying to get your brain to focus on his words.

“Huh?”

He rolled his eyes, but his hand didn’t move an inch. “You said you were going to talk to Miss Fernández so we wouldn’t be partners, which is, well, so mature, congratulations,” he tsked, but then continued. “But did it work?”

You licked your lips and swallowed, your throat feeling dry. What was going on? You needed to focus.

In a harsh motion, you moved your arm away from his grasp. You forced yourself to ignore how your skin missed it.

“I… no. She settled. You- I mean… we…” the word felt awkward when it rolled off your tongue.

We? There was no such thing in between Seungmin and you. No we, no us, no nothing. And it was like that for a reason. One that you had almost forgotten with how softly his slender and warm hand had been holding your forearm. Ugh.

As you struggled to say those infamous words, your phone dinged again, and you mumbled a short “oh, wait,” and unlocked it.

< henry li🫧: leaving me on read, shortcake?

Seungmin stared at your phone, shoving his hands on his pockets when he saw you smile at the bright screen. He bit his lower lip. He hadn't taken all of his stuff out of his backpack just for this.

“So,” he licked his lips, and it almost shocked you the sudden roughness on his tone and demeanour. “Chemistry is easy. We can meet up on Friday in the public library. An hour or two should be enough, even for someone with a fun-sized brain like yours.” He chuckled meanly, the motherfucker.

Ever since that stupid text from him, you had made it your mission to surpass him, or at least reach his level, and to be honest, you were even succeding in some cases, like philosophy, art history, spanish, technical drawing and business studies. But Chemistry?

Chemistry would always kick you in the ass.

Before you were able to come up with a comeback for his stupid snicker, the bell rang, and you felt an arm laying its weight on your shoulders.

“Smallable!” Lucas laughed, then realized that you were talking to a certain someone and ful Ty ly gasped. “Oh my god. Are you two finally dating and I interrupted— AH!” He was interrupted by your elbow hitting his side. Noa and Atenea chuckled behind him.

“No. Seungmin was just leaving.” You huffed with a frown, but then you smiled, almost excessively, like a small maniac. “Right?”

But before he was able to reply or mock you, Atenea spoke, ruining your chances of kicking him away.

“But we all have English now,” she said, and if it had been someone else, like Lucas, you would’ve stepped on his shoe or something. “We’re going to the same place, we can go together.”

Seungmin felt you stare intensively at him. He smiled at Atenea, finding that he enjoyed having you look at him, reason why he loved annoying the shit out of you.

“Sure!” He smiled politely, almost sheepishly, and you bit your lip to hold back the need to scoff at his 'obviously fake' kindness.

Because except for you, the rest of your class —heck, probably the rest of the school— were smitten with Kim Seungmin.

Top of the class, funny, kind, and cutely introverted Kim Seungmin was just a dorky student who tried to get along with everyone.

But that was wrong. And you may not have any proof aside from his mean attitude towards you and only you, but you knew it.

Seungmin had to be more than just a pretty boy with high grades, and it was only with you that he proved you right.

You stayed next to Lucas, hoping that Seungmin would at least stay with your friends and ignore you.

But to your horror, he smiled at you, a pink dust on his cheeks. “If you don’t mind?”

Oh, son of a bitch.

“No… it’s whatever.” You huffed.

Because against his dorky self, to the rest of your class —heck, to the rest of the school— you were the quote on quote “bad student.”

Troublesome, mean, class clown? Check. You laughed at teachers in class with Lucas far more than what could be ignored, the dresscode had always been more of a guide in what to wear, unlike what most students usually followed, and you may have been expelled a bunch of times.

Even if you were somewhat kind to the people in school, and even if they all knew your rivalry with Seungmin, God forbid you were mean to him.

You wouldn’t see the end of it.

And he knew it.

Bitch.

So there you were, walking to English class with your friends plus innocent Seungmin —who no one had called, not even the ghostbusters—, who was snickering and giggling with Atenea about who-gives-a-shit. Something class-related. You couldn’t be bothered to listen.

Lucas chuckled next to you.

“Careful, Spongebob.” He laughed. “Some could say you seem jealous.”

…WHAT?!

“Of… of Kim Seungmin?” You snorted. “Are you on drugs?”

He ruffled your hair. “Sure, sure, keep lying to yourself, shortie.”

Finally, you arrived to class, but before you stepped inside, Seungmin stopped you, whispering in your ear.

“Yeah, shortie.” He teased, his lips almost grazing the shell of your ear. “Don’t be too jealous. We wouldn’t want everyone to know you love me.”

His whisper would’ve been almost enticing if it weren’t for the fact that it was Kim Seungmin the man in question, and he snickered, pushing his glasses back.

But then someone cleared his throat behind you two.

“Care to sit down? I don’t have all day.” Mister Holmes grunted, carrying a monster drink and a coffe at the same time.

That mas was slightly terryifing.

You squinted at Seungmin and then walked to your place at the back of the class, hoping that your cheeks felt warm because of how the teacher had startled you and definetely not your classmate’s honey-like voice.

“Pssst. Heeey,” Noa smiled teasingly, whispering with a smirk. “Pssst. You’re blushing…!”

“Shut up!” You frowned at her, but you were unable to hold back a smile. But it was because of your friend Noa. Not Kim Seungmin.

Mr Holmes cleared his throat, and finished off his monster, throwing it to the bin.

“So. I’ve been hearing from some students in the hallways that you’re all excited for saint valentines’ day.” He stated in a strong voice, one that filled the class with little to no effort. “And sadly so, I was thinking of putting an exam that Wednesday…” he faked a sigh, and you had to hold back a laugh, contrary to the frowns and groans that appeared in your classmates faces. Pfft, what a character. “Unless… you guys want to do something in true valentines fashion.”

Mr Holmes crossed his arms, laying back on his chair, his stare cold and face lacking any kind of emotions.

“Say… any ideas, Mr… Kim?”

Seungmin sat up straight at his name being mentioned, and you rolled your eyes, holding back a mocking smirk.

“I ugh… I wouldn’t want to bother my classmates with a lot of work, sir… but maybe… maybe a writing assingment related to the topic would be… enough?” Seungmin stated, his tone soft and shy, and there was even a blush that trailed up from his neck, but he stayed staight and firm as he spoke.

“A valentine-themed task.” Mr Holmes enunciated as he pondered. “It’s a… decent idea. Any complaints?”

You felt some of your classmates’ eyes on you, and you sighed, crossing your arms in front of you, remaining silent. As long as it wasn’t an exam, you’d accept whatever.

“With that settled, I’ll upload the task online this afternoon, but it’ll have to be written by hand. Be sure to hand in a picture of your assignment on time, or your final grade will be affected.” The teacher turned on his laptop, and started taking assistance.

[☆★🌷★☆]

Time had passed dreadfully slowly, until the bell rang and Mr Holmes dissmissed all of you so everyone could leave for the day.

“A valentine-themed task.” You huffed in annoyance as you stuffed your locker with books you weren’t going to take home.

“I thought it was original.” A voice snickered lowly behind you, and you slapped your locker close, smiling at him.

“Well, Henry. It’s no surprise your taste sucks.”

You chuckled when he rolled his eyes.

“I was waiting for your reply,” he mentioned with a soft tone.

You closed your locker, and you two started walking together. “Oh, sorry, I totally forgot,” you apologized with a smile, but he brushed it off. “Yeah, I was with Lucifer earlier. She’s making me work with Seungmin for this term’s assignments.”

Henry frowned. “And we hate that guy… right…” you chuckled.

“Exactly. We don’t like him.”

“So then, don’t do it. You were going to meet him to study, right?” You nodded, smirking slightly at him.

“We agreeded to meet on Friday to start, in the library.” You added, watching his smirk widen. “What are you thinking?”

He stopped walking, smiling at you. “There’s this club that opened recently. Been wanting to go have a look. Apparently, it’s like exclusive and shit. And it’s Friday.” His light-coloured eyes shined as he looked at you. “Meet me there?”

You grinned cheekily.

“Sure. Can’t wait.”

[☆★🌷★☆]

You hadn’t noticed Seungmin on the school bus until this year.

Because he had made himself noticeable, sitting at the back of the bus, a couple seats away from you, but oh, dorky Seungmin was always friend of everyone, sheepishly starting conversation with any kinds of people in the bus, no matter the year they were in.

Before his text, you had even thought he was cute as he gingerly chatted with a group of kids who were probably starting high school.

“Is it too difficult?” A little girl asked.

And it surprised you how he turned to her and smiled, almost tugging at your heart strings, eyes like crescent moons.

“It’s only difficult if you stop trying. And we don’t give up, right?” He stated cheerfuly, and all the kids shined at his sheepish and bashful brightness, high-fiving the girl that talked to him.

You forced yourself to shove those memories to the back of your mind. That Seungmin wasn’t real. And you didn’t like him. The real him. Right?

“Oi, Kim Seungmin.” You called, as it was only you two left on the bus.

He was surprised at your call, but only side-eyed at you, lazily raising his brows, signalling that he was listening. You frowned.

See? You thought to yourself. He’s mean. He isn’t sweet, nor cute. Focus.

“What kind of lame ass idea was that?” You huffed with a mean smile. “A valentine-themed assignment.” You snorted.

His bus stop was close, so he ignored you as he picked up his coat and backpack, but you kept on talking. “You know? Hallmark office called, they want their boring clichés back,” you mocked, laughing.

Backpack on and coat hanging on his arm, he stared at you, and waited for a red light to walk to your seat.

He settled next to you, still staring at you as you chimed mean remarks about his originality and such and such.

“Anything else to mumble? I couldn’t hear you from down there.” He snorted meanly, and you were too focused on annoying him that you didn’t notice his stare at your lips as he licked his own.

You rolled your eyes. “You’re such a lame guy. He gave you the chance to choose, and you chose that piece of—?!”

His lips tasted as sweet as his voice that day with those little kids.

You felt his hand slowly creep up and cradle your face, his eyes closed as he kissed you, and slowly, your eyes closed too.

It was sweet. So sweet. But what was it? It was a flavour that you knew. Its sweetness was so familiar, but you couldn’t seem to figure out what was it.

You kissed him back, and he let out a surprised whine as you sighed, your hands, which had been frozen on his shoulders, waiting for your order to push him away, slowly followed up and remained on his face, your thumbs almost stroking his cheeks.

You wanted needed to know what he tasted like.

But it was when your hands went into his hair that he sighed too, melting under your touch, that your brain clicked.

…

what were you doing?

…

WHAT WERE YOU DOING?!

You pushed him away, and your breath hitched.

He didn’t look like fake Seungmin.

In front of you was not the innocent boy who had straight A’s and was shy enough to not be able to say no to a lot of things, who sheepishly spoke up in class, or who treated everyone with a bashful kindness that was so endearing.

This Seungmin was different. His glasses had a bit of a fog in them, his hair was all messed up, and his lips were plush, pink from your tinted gloss and slightly swollen from your kiss.

This Seungmin was a wreck, all flustered and kissable, and he looked like a mess.

But it felt real.

And for a second, you wanted to kiss him again, yearning to figure what that kiss tasted like, the word for it almost in the tip of your tongue.

He panted, struggling to catch his breath.

“Finally,” he huffed with a smile, but his dark eyes didn’t match the mocking in his tone. A small part of your mind thought that they looked prettier than any light eyes you had ever seen. “So you were able to shut up, after all.” He gulped, still panting.

He moved away from you slowly, as you remained there, frozen, like a piece of art in front of him, cheeks blushed, lips flushed and parted as your eyes stared at him, an emotion much different from this evening.

He found himself enjoying this one even more.

“Eh… T-this is my bus stop.” He muttered when the bus stopped. Maybe it wasn’t, but he didn’t care. He felt like he would have the energy to run home if needed. “I-I’ll… see you tomorrow.”

You blinked as he stood up and walked away.

What…

What had just happened?

[☆★🌷★☆]

{ACT 2: UNDER THE STREETLIGHT}

After avoiding Seungmin like the plague all Thursday, only looking at his back when you zoned off in class, Friday arrived earlier than expected.

You hadn’t been able to concentrate at all, the thought of his sweet taste lingering in your mouth, almost letting you feel the ghost of his lips pressed against yours.

“Hello? Earth to… oh, you’re awake, Jesus.” Abril looked at you with a smile, but she was unable to hide her worried look.

“Of course I am,” you mumbled, shaking your head sideways. “What’s going on?”

“You haven’t even touched your delicious and totally-not-overcooked pasta.” Lara mentioned the cafeteria lunch as she poked it whith her fork, full of humour. “It leads to believe that you’re dealing with something far more interesting that the technical drawing homework, that’s for sure.”

You bit your lip, hesitating.

“Is it because Henry Li has been ignoring you?” Noa mentioned softly.

You blinked, puzzled. “Huh?”

He’d been ignoring you? Now that she had mentioned, maybe that could’ve happened. Maybe you would’ve realized if you hadn’t been so focused on Seungmin and whatever-happened-that-cannot-and-should-not-be-remembered-every-five-minutes…

…or maybe you should look for an easier name for it.

“Uh, no, he invited me to this new place today, actually,” you brushed your hair with your hand mindlessly. “But I’m fine. Really. Just tired.” You smiled at the girls, and joined in at their conversation.

After lunch, you separated from Lara and Noa, who had literature, and Abril, who had been hanging out with a guy called Jeongin from her photography club recently, and so you headed to the study room.

It was a quiet place, quieter that what you had initially expected for a high school study room. Matter of fact, you thought it was a pity that the school closed it after class, considering that in that case you wouldn’t have to walk to the public library.

You opened the door silently, finding that there were barely any students, only three or four people studying silently. You were heading towards a lonely corner so you could listen to music in a high volume without having to pay attention if it could be heard through your headphones. Or maybe, considering that it hadn’t been a lie and that you had slept like four hours maximum, you could probably rest there until the bell rang.

You snickered when you looked to your right, finding someone struggling with the technical drawing homework that had been assigned that morning, the one that Lara and Noa had been talking about.

You gently tapped the guy’s shoulder, but spoke before he even turned.

“You’re missing this incline here,” you whispered on his ear, your arms coming above his shoulders, placing your hands above his, placing the square and bevel on the right angle. “It should be seen, but with dotted lines, get it? That way the side-view makes sense.” You added with a soft giggle.

“Oh, right. T-thank you…” he mumbled, not facing you.

You brushed it off as weird, but your sleepy self wasn’t bothered enough to notice or pry, and instead smiled, ruffled his hair and settled in your cozy little corner, placing your scarf in between your arms and rested your head on it, merely “resting your eyes”, but only if a teacher happened to come and check on the students.

Seungmin stared at your sleeping figure, eyes almost wide. He felt like his heart was going to explode underneath the layers of flesh. His hands tingled, his usually warm and sweaty palms missing the comfortable coldness of yours, so soothing and relaxing.

Either you had completely gone crazy, or he had fallen asleep trying to complete the stupid assignment. He knew you were good at technical drawing, it was one of the subjects were he wasn’t. It wasn’t a surprise when several students started asking you for help on their papers and assignments, considering that you were one of the few who was able to receive praise from the teacher, a middle-aged man with no kind of vocation with kids or teaching, by any means.

But it had never happened when he was the one in need of help, had you ever considered the idea of helping him.

He watched you, puzzled, as he had never done before, and maybe it would be the first time of many because Seungmin found himself liking what he was seeing, dare I say mesmerized by the image before him.

By you.

Your sleepy figure was as calm as he had ever seen from you, sleeping with little to no care in the world. Your hair remained stuck in a ponytail, which allowed Seungmin to notice that it left the skin of your neck visible, and despite the voice on his head saying that it was a behaviour quite like a man from the Modern Ages, just being so fixated at that small bit of skin, he couldn’t help but feel bashfully amazed.

Suddenly, he noticed you licked your lips, your eyes still closed and your small smile never faltering, but that made something start to flutter in his stomach, as if a whole lot of butterflies had been awaken at the sight of you, tranquil, and sweet, and cute, and he forced himself to stop looking at you abruptly, wondering why he had done that in the first place.

Licking your lips only made Seungmin aware of how dry his were, and action plus the thought of your lips immediately brought back what had happened on Wednesday.

Crazy. He’d gone completely crazy.

He felt his hand slowly approach his lips and he grazed them with his fingers, almost able to taste your chapstick back on his lips. Because he had been able. All Wednesday night. And a small part of him wanted more of it.

He blushed, scratching his eyes. He hadn’t slept shit, his mind betraying him every time he attempted to close his eyes instantly going back to the memory of how you stared at him after your kiss, dark pupils, and red lips, and so ridiculously gorgeous that it made Seungmin wonder why whenever he saw you he resorted to his first line in code: being mean.

He never used that side with anyone. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried, because small, teasing and slightly unhinged Kim Seungmin had tried to be himself in middle school, and… well.

Let’s just say that it didn’t work like expected.

But everyone loved dorky, funny and sweet Seungmin. Even with the difference with grades, that had definetely not been appreciated in his early years, nowadays people would see that as a part of him, and he recieved praise for it, not only from teachers, but also nice classmates, who sometimes went to seek help from him.

He just needed to pretend for a bit. Smile here and there, and put on a sheepish act of bashfulness that despite it not being natural, it wasn’t totally bad. It wasn’t like middle school.

But then you came in the picture.

Something about you made Seungmin want to tease you. To see you finally look at him after battling in your head if you even should, and then, sometimes when you were mad enough, you’d glare at him, and he couldn’t help but grin. Your cheeks flushed in anger that creeped up your body, how you looked at him through your lashes or how you’d tease him back. The first time you had done that, his brain’s chemistry had changed, he was sure of that.

He didn’t care about the mean remarks, and that now seemed almost obvious, considering what had happened almost two days ago in the school bus.

But it got impossible to miss when Seungmin noticed your sleepy self shivering in your slumber. With a mental groan, careful of not making any kind of loud noise in the study room, he slowly got closer to your corner, and tried to close the windows near it. And failed, because the stupid windows were old and rusty, only able to move them a bit.

He bit his lip, arguing in his head. Would that be enough? No, it probably wasn’t, right? Yeah, it couldn’t be. Considering that you always wore thin clothing, always borrowing your mates’ jackets…

…it couldn’t possibly hurt to do a bit more, right?

Seungmin approached you further, and shook a hand close to your face, but you were dead, as still as a fallen tree, despite the sunlight that enetered throught the windows glowing on your face, the Sun in winter, that brought little to no warmth, made you shine in his eyes.

He’d see you in the public library a couple of hours later. It didn’t mean anything. He could probably tease you for sleeping in school later. Yeah. And then he’d ask for his jacket back.

Seungmin was lost in his thoughts as he carefully settled his jacket over your shoulders, and he froze when you sighed deeply, surrounded by a familiar warmth and a cozy scent that you didn’t know you had missed or needed until then, but you didn’t wake up.

He blinked when he noticed your phone in your hand, the screen suddenly turning on. He giggled at your wallpaper, which had a silly joke on it and a funny doodle of a banana.

But then his eyes trailed down to the notification that had made the phone turn on.

[3 new messages from: henry li🫧]

> sorry i didn’t get to see u yesterday, had to sort smth out!

> guys.its.totally.a.real.address.wdym.lol

> it’s the address for later, shortcake 😉❤️

…huh?

Seungmin blinked once. Twice. Nah, his glasses had to be deceiving him. Then, another notification popped up.

> can’t wait to see you ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

He winced silently.

Ugh. What a cringy choice of emojis.

Did you really like this guy?

He frowned, going back to his place in the study room.

Ugh.

He didn’t care, obviously. Why would he care? That wasn’t his business. Never was, never would be. Not like he was interested. Pffft, no. Not at all. Yeah, nah. That kiss had been a one time thing. Totally. 100%. He wasn’t thinking about it again. Nope. Nor did he want to kiss you again. Not in a chance.

Just… ugh.

It was just that… no. Scratch that. No further comments.

He sighed as he went back to his work, feeling a sudden inspiration hit him as he took out a blank paper for the English class valentine’s assignment, but not before he looked at you again, then shook his head, turning the music back on in his headphones. He started writing, drafting, and throwing papers away, getting slightly desperate at his perfectionism.

He sighed. His eyes trailed off towards you.

Slowly, words started to flow in his head. Pretty sentences, things that he had kept hidden in the back of his mind. Maybe it could be good to let it all out. It couldn’t hurt. Yeah.

So he stared writing. Vomiting word after word. And he finished earlier than expected, with two papers.

One was perfect for the english assignment. It was boring and dull enough to be handed in for a school work, but good enough for his perfectionism.

And the other… was something different.

Something that had only happened because you were there, in front of him.

He stood up, letter on his hand. He leaned against the table you were sleeping in, and settled the jacket further on your shoulders. He sighed, grabbing a pen from his pencil case, folding the letter and signed it.

Maybe it was a bad idea, he thought as he picked up his stuff from the table and adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

He looked at your figure once more before heading out.

It had been to check if you were still asleep, of course.

Just to check.

Yeah.

[☆★🌷★☆]

Your phone vibrated in your hand again.

And again.

And again.

With a groan, you silently accepted that there was no way you could fool an inanimate object into believing that you were still asleep.

But when you yawned and looked around and didn’t find the posters in your room, but rather a whole bunch of tables and chairs, your eyes widened.

It hadn’t been your alarm but a phone call that had awoken you.

“Y-yeah?” You mumbled, picking up the call and quickly taking your backpack and scarf and rushing out of the study room, taking a quick scan and making sure you weren’t leaving anything behind.

“I’m heading to the club now, shortcake.” A low voice greeted. “Are you getting ready?”

Who…?

“H-henry?” You frowned slightly.

You heard him snicker through the other side. “Yeah?”

Fuck, shit, fuck.

“N-nothing! Nothing, I, uh, I was just doing my make up. Y-you know.”

What? You frowned, even more this time. No, that didn’t make any sense. You always blabbered about how you never did your make up for clubbing because the one you owned was cheap and never stayed on anyways.

“Sure, yeah.”

It didn’t seem like he had noticed.

“You can head there before me. I’ll go there eventually, yeah?”

You heard him snicker on the other side of the phone call. “Ok, baby.” He cleared his throat, stuttering a bit. “Y-yeah, I mean, I’ll uh… get there in a bit. Don’t rush.”

Only then you felt that the wind from outside wasn’t freezing your bones like usual. You squinted at the jacket you were wearing.

“Henry, did you…?” But he hung up.

It probably was him. Yeah. That’s why he had called you. To make sure you’d wake up.

Besides, there were little to no people who’d do such a kind gesture towards you, and even if the jacket was pretty much your style and it smelled like heaven, it didn’t feel like something any of the girls would keep around.

So, why didn’t it made you feel giddy that Henry had given you his jacket?

You kept on running through the hallways and catched the bus that was usually there for students who had extracurricular classes, unlucky people who had to stay in school late in Fridays. You never had, using Fridays to be a bit lazy or to start homework sooner just to hand it in earlier than Seungmin.

Oh.

Friday.

Seungmin.

The library.

You bit your nails, staring through the window.

Would he wait there for long?

What was he going to do once he figured you weren’t going to show up?

Were you… feeling guilty?

No… that… that couldn’t be, you chuckled dryly. Mean decisions against Kim Seungmin didn’t spend too much time on the judgmental side of your brain. You just… teased him back. And he’d take it. And double it. And so on.

So why did this feel too mean?

Could it be because of whatever-happened-that-cannot-and-should-not-be-remembered-every-five-minutes?

Could the fact that it had been the best thing that had happened in a long while?

Well, fine.

Not just ‘thing’.

A kiss.

And for fuck’s sake, what kiss.

You groaned and grunted, sprinting home as soon as the bus stopped.

Why did it always have to be him?

You entered your room and burst open your closet. The jacket was cool, you thought. And if you were going to see Henry, you could just wear it and hand it back to him in the club.

It was vintage, but its warmth engulfed you as if it had been handmade. Its funky designs and patterns looked cute, and its grey color contrasted well with it. You chose the first dress you saw, a tight black dress with no sleeves that you would’ve discarded as too short if you had more time, but it wasn’t exactly something you could’ve bragged about.

Jacket, dress, high socks, boots, wallet, phone, keys, headphones… yeah. You nodded, checking all of the boxes in your mental list, and started hurriedly walking to the address he had sent.

You hoped you weren’t going to be too late.

[☆★🌷★☆]

“Pick up, pick up, pick up…”

“The number you are trying to call is turned off or out of coverage. Please, leave your message after the—”

You hang up, tired of hearing that mechanic voice over and over again.

You looked around you, and there was nothing that looked like a club. You had tried to enter the building that the address lead to, but it hadn’t got well.

A strange figure opened a small window and gave you a look, almost disgusted. It took you a second to understand that they were wearing a mask, with dark lace and other colours. But just when you were about to speak, the window slammed close.

You blinked, puzzled. Where the fuck was Henry sending you? What kind of club was this?

You had started to roam around the building, trying to call him —and failing misserably, because the damn guy couldn’t pick up the fucking phone for the life of him—, but now you were starting to run out of ideas.

It was past 12pm, your legs shivered with every slight wind that swooshed your way, and there was no one that was going to pick up the phone. Not Henry, that ridiculous imbecile, not Lucas, who always bragged about having his phone in night mode, so nothing would get to him until morning, and not the girls, because Noa had her phone turned off, Atenea was most likely sleeping, Abril and Lara hadn’t picked up either, and your list of close friends who could possibly pick up was… that.

And no one was picking up the fucking phone.

You were about to keep on ranting about how disgustingly bad this was turning out to be, but you heard footsteps coming your way. You looked around, but didn’t find the source. With a frown, you walked to the building again

Placing your hand on one of the windows, who were dark and almost impossible to see through, you could notice that in the dim light from what could be seen outside, Henry was well entertained with a certain kind of company, so much that he couldn’t even pick up your phone.

You closed your eyes and leaned your forehead against the tinted glass. Of course. Yeah. That made total sense. It was Henry, after all. He had always been known to be kind of an asshole anyways. It couldn’t possibly come out as a surprise the fact that he actually was.

You shook your head and mentally mocked him and the blond girl he was kissing.

Henry Li could go to Hell.

Guess there was nothing left to do now. You had dumped Seungmin, and Henry had dumped you. It was an ass move over an ass move. Maybe you kinda deserved it.

But then your thoughts ended in a halt, because you swore you could feel a shadow starting to follow you from a distance.

They were behind you, but not too close, and due to their hoodie it was imposible to distinguish their face.

So you started walking. Turning left. Right. Left again. Right. Just kept on walking. Don’t look behind you. They’d probably just leave. This had to be your imagination, 100%.

But when you took a peak, the silhouette was not only still behind you, slowly walking towards you, but a slight bit closer this time.

You swallowed dry, gulped, even. Your heart tightened in your chest. What kind of joke was this? Your eyes were tearing up. You were tired, and this was mental. Adrenaline rumped through your body, and even if you were already lost, you kept on walking.

You took your phone from your pocket. Think, think, think. Who could you call? Who could pick up at one am? You scrolled down your list of contacts, until for a reason you don’t fully get, your eyes stopped at a certain name.

—> seungmeannie

It couldn’t possibly hurt to try… right?

You sniffed almost silently, and pressed call.

One beep.

Two beeps.

Three beeps.

You started crying a bit louder, unable to hold it back.

“Eh, hi…?”

“S-seungmin!” You sobbed, smiling. It was the first time in your life you had been that happy just from being able to hear his voice, raspy and low.

“W-what?” He stopped talking, and you guessed that it was because he hadn’t figured out who was calling him so late at night. “Do you know what time it is, you fun-sized dingus?” He groaned sleepily at the phone.

You bit your lip and sniffed.

“Wait. Are you… crying?” His tone had changed.

“I-i’m sorry about t-this eve-ening.” You sobbed, failing to hold back the tears, hugging the jacket that was still on your shoulders.

“Are you drunk, little one?” You never thought your shoulders could relax as fast as they had when his soft tone of voice called you that stupid nickname.

“N-no, I… I went to this stupid club, with-“

“With Henry, yeah.” The way he said his name, as if he wanted to put that stupid bitch in a box and send him to the end of the world took you by surprise.

“B-but um, he’s not picking up my phone and I…” you gulped. Taking a peek behind you, you shivered. “I think someone’s following me.”

“Wait, what?” Seungmin had never stood up from bed as fast as he had done that night. “Where are you?” He asked to the phone as he randomly picked a sweater and his glasses, biting his lip as he struggled to put on his shoes.

“I… I don’t know.” You sobbed. “I started walking away so he’d go, but it didn’t work.” You mumbled, sniffing. You felt so stupid.

“Everything’s going to be fine, yeah?” It was the first time in the whole afternoon that you felt like that statement could be true. Because Seungmin was going to help you. “Don’t hang up. Tell me what buildings can you see. Try heading away from small alleys. I’ll find you.”

Seungmin rushed out of his appartment, not before scribbling down what was happening in a post it note and left it on his mother’s bedside table.

“T-there are some restaurants, but they’re all closed.” You started, dubious as how was this going to work. “There’s a road to my left.”

“Can you name any of the restaurants, little one?” Seungmin had a hunch, and he huffed, sprinting to the plaza closest to his appartment.

“I just passed by a Mexican, I think.” You sniffed, Seungmin’s soothing voice working like a charm and calming you down slowly. “In front of me, I think this is a Japanese… it’s called Ginza.”

Seungmin chuckled, feeling relief flooding his body. “Y-yeah, ok! I- god, yes, I know where you are. Keep walking straight ahead. There should be a park, right?” He started running, hiding the fact that he’d have to rush and make the usual fifteen minutes it could take him to arrive where you were and make them five.

He needed to see you and make sure you were safe.

“I… shit, yeah! I can see it!” You went back to crying, a smile planted in your features.

“I’m almost there. You’re doing so well, little one.”

You felt your cheeks getting warmer at that. Walking a bit faster, you looked behind you, finding that the silhouette was still there.

But Seungmin was close. Seungmin said everything would be fine.

“S-seungmin?” You mumbled at the phone, wanting to hear his voice, so soothing and warm.

“Under the streetlight, silly.”

You heard the beep that sounded when Seungmin ended the call, but he was there, tangible, a couple of meters away from you.

You chuckled, happy to see him for the first time ever, and crying away the pent up stress and worry, you ran off to him, and clung your arms around his neck tightly, unbothered at the need to stand on the tips of your toes to do so.

Seungmin stuttered, still panting from the marathon he had ran to get there, 100% baffled at this. But it was ok. You were there. You were safe.

“T-they’re still behind me.” You whispered against his chest.

He could feel your nervousness on your tone, how scared you were judging by how strongly your arms closed behind his neck, and hesitated for a second before hugging you back, his arms pulling you closer by your lower back, keeping you grounded and so weirdly safe in his grasp, and it felt so strangely comforting coming from him that your eyes swelled with more tears.

You couldn’t see or feel the person behind you anymore, but Seungmin did, somewhat clearly.

The only thing that his mind made up that moment is that for the person to leave, they’d have to believe you two did know each other.

And Seungmin’s heart beated loudly in his chest when your grasp loosened and you stood back on your feet, allowing him to see how your lip trembled, how you were holding back tears and how you looked at him with a million emotions hidden in the colour of your eyes. He had never seen you cry before.

His hands itched to touch you again, a sudden need to comfort you that overwhelmed him.

So he did.

His hands cradled your cheeks, his thumbs brushing away your tears, and he pecked your lips softly, smiling at your baffled face. His arms engulfed you in a comforting hug that smelled so much like the jacket you were wearing.

He looked behind you, and the silhouette was nowhere to be found. As if it had never been there before.

“It’s ok.” Seungmin whispered in your ear. “I’m here now. You’re safe. They’re gone, yeah?” His arms rested on your shoulders as his slender hands stroked your hair. “No one’s gonna hurt you now, pretty.”

And you started to cry on his shoulder, because not only then you realized how bad you had needed a hug, and not even the fact that it had been a hug from him that you had secretly yearned for, but because none of your excuses made sense now.

There was no ‘fake’ or ‘real’ Seungmin.

Whatever he was, fake or not, stood in front of you as he hugged you under the streetlight.

And you sighed as he cooed at you softly, because deep down you had known for a while.

It was time you came to terms with it.

[☆★🌷★☆]

{ACT 3: WINDOWS, LETTERS AND POEMS}

Wednesday. 9:56 am. 14th February.

Most of your classmates were still arriving from their next class as you stared at two papers in your hands slightly from afar, pencil in your lips.

You had discarded most of your creations all Monday and Tuesday when you finally ended with a draft you liked for the stupid english homework. It was nothing out of the ordinary.

But the letter in your other hand, however, was something you had never done before.

“What’s that you got there?”

Any kind of bubbly and nervous emption you had vanished at the sound of that low voice.

“Fuck off, Li.” You grunted in a husky tone, frowning at him and grabbing back the letter from his hands.

“Is it a love letter for me?” He chuckled, ignoring your behaviour.

“Why the fuck would I write that, huh?” You laughed, a chuckle full of acid, one that had much more hatred that you had ever said before.

Henry brushed a hand through his hair, and you couldn’t help but think he looked stupid. You had liked this guy? Ugh.

“Because today is valentine’s day, shortcake.”

You squinted and frowned at him.

“Swishing those dyed and damaged locks like a Loreal advert won’t make anyone fall in love with you.” You snorted, and realized the people in the hallway had fallen into silence, listening to your conversation. “Or maybe it worked with that blond girl in the club?” You pretended to ponder out loud, leaning against the locker behind you, facing him with confidence.

“Wait, what?” He mumbled.

You snickered, taking him by surprise. “Oh, silly. I was never going to date you. I kept hearing that you were an ass and figured that was right, because aside from me, little to no people talked to you. I guess I just felt pityful.” You faked a pout.

He clenched his fists, his shoulders tense.

“You’re lying.” He grunted.

You chuckled. “You wish I was. That blond girl didn’t steal my man. She stole my problem.” You heard some gasps from the people in the corridor, as they had formed some kind of circle around you two.

But then, Henry snorted, and cleared his throat, talking with a much louder voice. “So you’re not going to let everyone know about you and Seungmin?” He smirked. “I feel like that’s a bit unfair. Making it seem like I’m the bad guy and all.”

You tried hard to make it seem like that hadn’t surprised you. You were so surprised by it that you didn’t have time to react when he yanked your letter from your hand.

“Such sweet words, all dedicated to him,” he mocked. “I think these people want to know.”

“Give it back!” You clenched your jaw, your eyes dull with embarassment.

Even if he wasn’t as tall as Seungmin, there was still a decent difference between you and him. And with a sly grin, he raised the paper above your head.

You licked your lips, anger filling your body.

“Give. It. Back.”

But then he started reading.

“I looked at him as if he were the Sun, in that I never looked at him except in frustration.” He read out loud, moving the paper from your reach everytime you tried to reach. “I seeked his warmth, I complained when he was gone, but I never looked, not until I noticed he was leaving, and in the beauty of the sunset, I wondered how I had never seen him before.”

You stared at the floor, a blush spreading through your cheeks, coming from your neck.

“And that’s basically what happened.” You mumbled to Abril and Lucas over at a bench in the school grounds, hours after that whole thing had happened.

“What?!” You flinched at Abril’s loud voice. “I’m going to kill him. I am so going to murder that nasty ass bitch.” She threatened to stand up, but Lucas grabbed her forearm.

“And what about Seungmin?” He questioned softly, a lot more gentle that what you usually would expect.

You felt heat rush to your cheeks.

“I haven’t spoken to him since Friday” You stared at him with a weakness you had never felt before. “It’s like he doesn’t want to talk to me, I…” you sighed. “I don’t know what to think anymore.” You sniffed.

You had to stay in the study room for the afternoon, waiting for Atenea to get out of the club she was in so you could head to the library together like you had promised, but as you studied in silence, someone sat in the chair in front of you, frowning at you.

You took your headphones off and scratched your eyes. “Eh… Hyunjin?”

“Abril told Lara and she told me,” he mentioned in a huff. “And I’ve known Seungmin for many years. He’s not an impulsive guy. He hasn’t treated anyone like how he treats you.”

You blinked, puzzled, but frowned at him. “Are you going to scold me?”

“You better believe I am!” He scoffed. “Would you like me to politely tell you that you’ve behaved like a total idiot around him?”

“What are you—?!”

“You simply never bothered to talk to Seungmin about any of what Lara told me!” He stated with force, and you didn’t think to tell him to shut up, considering that the study room was empty that time.

“Do you really expect me to understand whatever was happening and tell him right away?” You blurted out with anger, a bit shocked at his rough approach. “Had I had the opportunity I would have!

He rolled his eyes, passing a hand over his face in a sign of desperation.

“You had every opportunity! For months!” He left his hand on the table, and started tapping at it with force, trying to make a point. “Admit it. Seungmin has been in your head ever since we both changed from the other class and you two started bickering.” Hyunjin’s eyes stared at you with a fierce glare that almost threatened to pierce holes through your skull.

“That’s bullshit!” You spitted out defensively.

“Oh, spare me!” He brushed it off. “There have been countless clues! Your stupid need to make everything a competition when it comes to him is infuriating. He talks to me about these things, you know?” He swallowed, and you leaned back in surprise, but he kept on going. “How you look at him when you’re angry, or how you mock and tease him back. It’s stupid!” He cursed out loud. “And these last two weeks have only made it so much worse.”

“What do you mean, worse?” You pondered softly, slowly taking in Hyunjin’s dramatic act.

“I mean, you were totally smitten by how he ridiculously kissed you at the back of the bus last week, considering that you kissed him back.” He stated clearly. “And he wouldn’t shut up about it and how you were ignoring him after, which, great fucking work, by the way, the dude wouldn’t shut up about you.” Hyunjin blinked slowly, trying to recall and voice what he was thinking. “And then he lends you his jacket when a mystery debutant shows up.”

“A—a what?”

“Motherfucker, eh, that Henry asshole.” Hyunjin rubbed his eyes. “I had to endure him talking shit about him for an hour because he saw him texting you some weird shit with cringe emojis.” The exasperation on his tone rendered you almost speechless. “And even then he struggled to admit how fucking jealous he was about that guy. He had your attention. He had your smile. You looked at Henry, not at Seungmin, and ah, for fuck’s sake.” Hyunjin covered his face with his hands. “He felt so ridiculously powerless that he talked to me about it. He’s never done that before!”

You were only able to blink, struggling to grasp everything he was saying.

“And then, with no word of warning, you called him, at, what, like, one in the morning?” Hyunjin said in a huff, the thought of that bringing back his anger, making him stare at you with a frown again. “He, jesus, he talked for AGES about how you hugged him, and the fact that you were wearing his jacket, like— like you’re doing now, what the fuck.” He stopped mid-scolding, staring at you with confusion.

“It’s… it’s his?”

Hyunjin’s eyes widened slightly as he nodded. “What, you didn’t know? You helped him with tecnical drawing, he gave you his jacket, bla bla bla. That whole thing?”

You blushed, shaking your head sideways. You had done what?

“Nevermind. You can talk to him about that later.”

It was your turn to scoff now. “Judging by the fact that he sent you, I don’t think he would like to see me anytime soon.”

Hyunjin chuckled dryly.

“Don’t you even dare keep ignoring him. This stupid game has lasted for too long. Besides, he doesn’t know I’m here. He thinks I’m in dance practice, but whatever. You needed to know, because he’s a mess.” Hyunjin stated, passing a hand through his hair. “He can’t sleep well, he can’t concentrate, he can’t do anything.”

It looked like the scolding was over, but there was a remaining anger that came back to him as a memory struck.

“And, moreover, you callously ignored the letter Seungmin wrote you, even though he told you he loved you!”

You were looking at your notebook on the table, halfly staring at your nails and fidgeting with them, but your head almost snapped when you stared at him.

“What letter?” You muttered, your eyes locked on his. He frowned, his eyes slightly widening.

Your heart started beating faster, almost so loud you could hear it in your head.

“Hyunjin, what letter?!”

[☆★🌷★☆]

Seungmin felt his lungs on fire.

Run, run, run.

His feet were hurting, because his old ass shoes were busted enough that their insides were almost destroyed from everyday use.

But he needed to find you.

Maybe it was because it was Valentine’s day, despite the obvious influence that a certain friend of yours had done.

“Wait, you— you missed school this morning?” Lucas had muttered with a puzzled look, eyes wide.

“I had to go to the dentist to take my braces off. Yeah.” Seungmin stated again. “So whatever you meant by ‘being an ignoring bitch this morning’, I know nothing about it.”

And then someone next to them had chimed in. “You’re talking about Henry and what happened this morning with—“

“Yeah. Why?” Seungmin had interrupted, frowning slightly.

“There’s a video of it.”

Run, run, run.

The look in your eyes when you spoke with Henry. Your smug smile when you caught him by surprise.

Your poem.

His eyes had widened when Henry started reading it in the video.

Was it…?

Could it…?

Could it really be for him?

He wanted needed to find out.

He needed to find you.

“Watch where you’re going!” A man grunted at him, and Seungmin quickly apologized, running off.

Run, run, run.

He knew where you lived just because of Friday, when you had asked him if he could head towards your house with you, still a bit scared from what had happened. He accepted in a heartbeat, reassuring you that it was fine with a million smiles.

His hand had never left yours. Your touch, colder than his, had something so adicting to it that he didn’t want to let go.

Time seemed to pass slowlier when he recognized your neighbourhood. He was about to ring on your floor, but then, your silhouette got out of the elevators, and you both blinked at each other, staring through the glass door.

You opened it slowly, approaching him.

The look in your eyes was different than what Seungmin was used to.

It wasn’t similar to how you had looked at him ever since the school year started, with a shimmer of anger that turned your cheeks pink. Or how you had looked at him that afternoon in the back of the school bus, pupils dark and lips red and slightly swollen from kissing. Or how your eyes glowed in hope and comfort that Friday night.

It was different. He wanted to savour it. He wanted to see every detail of it.

He walked towards you and cradled your face in his hands.

“Wait.” He muttered in a whisper, taking off his glasses in a movement that to you felt almost enticing.

“What is it?” You whispered back.

He blinked at you as he cleaned his glasses with the hem of his shirt.

“You’re fucking blurry.” He snickered softly, with a sheepish smile that tinted his cheeks pink.

You giggled.

He settled his glasses back in place, and smiled when your image made sense before him.

“Better.” He muttered.

“Seungmin, I—“

But you stopped speaking when his lips crashed against yours.

There it was. He tasted sweet like how hot chocolate tastes in a rainy day. You smiled at your discovery, wanting to taste it for hours.

He wanted to kiss you for days to come, even if there was a million things left for both of you to say.

“I’m sorry.” Kiss. “I wasn’t in school this morning.” Kiss. “But I saw a video of it.” Kiss. “And I needed to—“

You giggled, taking his glasses and settling them on the top of his head.

“We can do the talking later.” You smiled, your cheeks red as your hands grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

“Are you sure?” He gulped, blushing too as he mumbled.

“Yeah.” You smiled even more. “I’d rather do the kissing now.”

You'd never know what happened with his letter. But considering where that had lead you, maybe it wasn't totally bad that the wind had carried it out the window.

[☆★🌷★☆]

~Kats, who, believe it or not, took the text argument in the beginning from an old school groupchat (yes i was the target akbdksbdks idk why lol, but no, i did not have an enemies2lovers :( lmao)

HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINES DAY!

TAGGING! (oh wow) @that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick @deadcrow-donteat @obyyyy @euphoric-univers @aslou @19marka @daisyjihannie @im-loco66 @coolbabydumplings @amarecerasus @sharonxdevi @han-to-my-minho @abbiespooks @moon0fthenight @koala-wonderland @hecrtful @hheesungsung @vampcharxter @kpopandblunts @daisy-dont-play @skz-lover21 @skyl1nninie @lunathewonyoungstan @5starlee @pchyyhoe @4ln-stay8 @michelle4eve (bolded and/or purple means it won’t let me tag you, pookies! please check your blog’s privacy settings <3)

[sharkiiv]

mental update/trauma dump

You can totally scroll past this post i just need to get it out 😭

tw: mentions of suicide, self harm, drugs, medical hospitalization, etc.

ok so this is really weird to talk about actually and I don't really know how to talk about this. Guess i just needed to get it out. So I have been clean for about 10 months now!!! Holy shit I hadn't realized I just did the math 😭 anyways I missed Halloween last year because I was in the hospital since some of my stupid organs weren't working properly. But I was so upset about it. And when the nurses were checking my arm health, some of my sh scars were visible and she just said "arm health good" and I was like ayyyy that's what's up. But what I forgot was I still had some cuts on my legs that I had totally forgotten about. She didn't check them thank God because my parents didn't know about them. When I got home that night I had to take a shower cuz yucky and my arms weren't working so I had my mom help but I had to be so careful to not let her see the cuts. Anyways the last day I was in the hospital was the last day I had talked to my therapist since she was leaving company she worked for to be independent. She said she was going to reschedule with me later. My mom had sent so many emails only to get "no reply". My therapist recently started seeing my sister instead because of some issues. When I asked her about it she said that she had been trying to contact me for months. My mom lied (surprise surprise).

But schools been really tough recently and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts again and I don't know where to go since I don't have a therapist anymore. My mom was going through my stuff to clean up and I didn't really care cuz yk wtv. But she found some pills that I had in one of my jewelry boxes in case I needed to yk... but the thing was I had totally forgotten about them. She just goes "oh! I'll take those. I want them." I was like okay? I don't want them. I forgot they were there anyways. But now I'm kinda like damn. I know that I need to stay strong bc I'm still trying to deal with my ed and friend problems but I just don't know If I can anymore. It's getting really hard. I bought some sensory necklaces off of Amazon to help with my sensory and those are helping but it's just not enough. I just feel so awful all the time. It might be depression? I dunno. I'm trying not to distance myself but it's so easy to just doom scroll all day and do nothing. Getting up early for school when I can't even think is so rough. I didn't even plan on living this long so i have no idea what the hell im doing. I want to talk to someone but I also know that I can ramble and rant for hours and I don't want to do that to my friends. It's hard enough for them already and that would just be cruel of me. My friends can't fix my problems. I just don't know what to do. I see my friends doing better, yk the ones that have really had it rough and i feel great for them. But I also see some friends doing worse and I'm just like, yeah. I get you. I dunno I might be yapping but my stupid brain thinks that sometimes my friends don't really like me. Like if I were to kill myself that I'd turn into one of those jokes like " you should commit [my name]!" Or "i hope you end up like [my name]" because that would fucking suck. Kids are so mean.

I dunno what to do man. I might delete this or smt.

[eddiernunson]

Found Again | Part 1 | Sequel to Trapped

Word Count: 1.9k

Summary: The year is 2005. Vecna is defeated, Steve Harrington is finding grey hairs. Eddie has already been dead for 19 years. Unfortunately, you have too. Since 1989. In a new life, new state, new friends, new school, you find yourself drawn to the new kid, and he to you. Something tells you it had to do with the dreams of a man with long hair when you were small.

[Edited bc i forgot the dang taglist]

Author's note: This story has been stirring in my brain for a hot minute, conceptualizing from the idea of loving Eddie in a past life and being so drawn to someone...and realizing why. The use of Y/N will entail the previous life and I ended up using my pseudonym as to not get confused until it just stuck so the modern day person does have a name yet we still use the you pronoun.

Thank you so much for turning in!

One last note. Yes, there will be smut. It will be less and with the resurrected character, but you don't have a strong as personality as Eddie's in a past life without carrying a few traits to the new one. ;)

---

Flashes of long brown hair, the smell of leather, a deep chuckle. Sunshine. Sadness, never ending sadness that seeped into despair.

When you were four, your mom could tell you how you went from a relatively normal child into a child who needed to be woken up from nightmares overnight. The nightmares were consistent for months, until one day, you slept soundly and seemed to forget all about it.

It wasn’t just the nightmares. You weren’t even sure your little brain could even call it that, they all started so softly, a warm honey-glow with an unseen face surrounded by golden light that stuck around until the last of it, and you wounded up waking up with tears streaming down your face by the end of it.

After the first time you told your mom a story she could never quite forget, she knew these nightmares, dreams, whatever, meant something.

She was driving you to preschool, worried about you as the look on your face when she found you crying in your sleep was a look of anguish she thought no four-year-old should have. She was willing to let the children’s music tape do all the talking for her when you let out, “I miss him.”

She’s sure she misheard you, not a clue to who you could’ve been talking about. “Pardon, sweetheart?” She asks you gently, her eye on the road and on your delicate little face.

“The man with long hair. I miss him.”

This perplexed her. She’s not sure you’ve ever truly met a man with long hair. Mullets haven’t really made any comeback since their heyday in the 80’s. “What…what happened to this man, darling?”

“He died.” You answer, and it comes out so nonchalantly she nearly breaks the car out of sheer panic. You were lucky to be in a life where you haven’t had to deal with the idea of death other than the trauma that was the Land Before Time.

“Oh. No wonder you miss him. When did he die?”

While the admission of his death was one thing, nothing could’ve prepared her for the next thing.

“Um, 1986.”

This went on as long as your dreams did. You didn’t have much to go on, only that he was kind, had long hair, was someone you cared about, and has passed. In 1986, three years before you were born. He was someone you had insisted you missed.

While the dreams were ongoing the conversations, she had with you were consistent enough to believe that you weren’t lying. How could a four-year-old even conceptualize time to understand years as numbers? You couldn’t. But you knew based on your dreams it was the year he had passed. As you continued to talk about it, she had enough belief to bring you to a psychic.

Granted a therapist might’ve been the better option but a psychic is something she could afford.

As you sat down in the chair, the psychic sitting across the cloth-covered table, something in your four-year-old brain could tell that she was the real thing. That she would respect your claims and take them seriously. “Welcome, dear. Maddie, was it?”

You nod your head, distracted by all the pretty colours as the curtains cascade up over you, all meeting in the middle into a shiny crystal chandelier. The room was candlelit, something that would normally scare you with the dancing shadows, but if anything it was like the shadows and her were on the same team.

“I hear you’ve been having some dreams…seeing someone you’ve never met before. Could you please describe them to me?”

You mom hasn’t asked you to describe any of them, not in those words, at least. The only thing she asked you was to describe the person you were dreaming about. “I see a boy.”

“Your age?”

“Older.”

Your mom hasn’t even thought to ask his age, for the record.

“How much older?”

You sigh, having no clear concept of age and appearance. The psychic picks up on it, and she finds a nearby catalogue in one of her shelves to indicate different ages. She points one out that would be your mom’s age. “Younger.” One that would be starting high school. “A little older.” One that appeared to be either just out of high school or about to graduate. “There.”

“Are these dreams stories? Like could you tell me your dreams from start to finish like a story?” She asks, tossing the catalogue aside.

You think on that question for a minute. “No. There’s no story.”

“Do they feel more fragmented?” She asks.

Your brows furrow, having no idea what fragmented means.

She understands. “Are they moving pictures that go into one another, like memories?”

You nod your head rapidly. Memories was the word you couldn’t grasp yet it made the most sense to you.

“Could you describe it for me?”

“Describe…what?” You ask, unsure where to even start.

“Anything would be helpful, dear. Just start where you’re comfortable.”

You take a deep breath, unsettled by the attention the adults suddenly give you. “I see…him. From far away. Then he’s close. He’s got long brown hair, and he smells like leather and…something but I don’t know what. He’s from Hawkins, Indiana. And I see bright colours and sun, then everything gets dark. I get sad. Not just regular sad. This sad hurts in my chest. I can’t breathe. Then mom wakes me up.”

The psychic sits on this, switching glances with your mom and sharing a silent conversation. “What happens when it gets dark? Does anything change to invoke that emotion?”

You nod, gulping. The emotion you feel when everything changes is devastating. Now that she had put a name to the word memory, you understood that’s what was occurring. This was a memory of an emotion, not the real thing, but if it wasn’t the real thing, the real thing must’ve been devastating.

“He dies.”

The psychic nods her head, and she’s quite enthralled by this point, but you wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at her. She’s seen a handful of resurrection cases in her lifetime, but none quite so young, or intense. “When does he die, darling?” On the phone, your mom had told her you were dreaming of a man who dies before you were born.

This turned the phone call from an inquiry to an invitation. Specifics like a singular year or locations often turn her onto cases. It’s easy to fake a memory from another life. She’s met many people who immediately freeze up when she offers a PI to investigate any evidence of their former lives. When someone truly remembers another life, they are drawn to it like a moth to a lamp.

But a four-year-old remembering another life is rare. She’s heard of it, seen a rare news article about it, but she’s never had the privilege of talking to someone so young about it.

“In 1986.” You answer her, looking to your mom for reassurance. She offers it, smiling warmly.

“So. Here’s the deal.” The psychic starts, leaning forward onto her elbows on the table. “I have seen this before. Are you willing to keep an open mind?”

Your mom nods, her hairs standing up on her arms.

“From what your daughter has told me,” She smiles at you, warmly, “it sounds like memories of a previous life.”

“Previous life?” She asks incredulously.

“Yes. Unconventional, I know. But no four-year-old likes to share stories as grim as hers are for the fun of it.” She pauses, letting your little mind wrap around this concept. You’re not so sure you did understand what she meant by a previous life, but by your mom’s reaction, it wasn’t exactly ideal. “She gives me enough information to take this seriously. In my line of work, it means researching a history. Possibly, her history. Now resurrecting from the opposite gender happens, but it sounds more like she cared about this person. With a small deposit, I can hire a private investigator to look into this for you. She gives a place and a time. Both can and might lead us to a person. If you want to look at the results this year, or in ten years it will be here.”

Your mom offers the deposit, a lousy forty dollars. Anyone willing to pay the fine means they want answers or are taking it as seriously.

“Thank you for answering all these questions, darling. Some day you might stop having these dreams. How young you are, you probably will. If one day these dreams come back to you somehow, come see me. I might have any answers you would be looking for.”

While you were terrified and intrigued all at the same time, your mom was just terrified. On some level this became too real for her. So, she didn’t take you back.

In fact, she stopped asking questions, hoping your dreams would die on their own if you didn’t spend too long thinking or talking about them.

On some level, she was right. Once she stopped any conversation about the mysterious person after waking you up from the dreams, they vanished within weeks.

It wasn’t for another thirteen years did the dreams gain any more significance to you.

-

Your alarm yanks you out of your sleep abruptly, the last day of summer over and a new school year starting. Junior year. Only two more years and you could get your ass out of here.

You stumbled through getting dressed, offering a half hello out the door, grabbing a bagel for an attempt at breakfast. The tragedy of sleeping in every day for summer then waking up early for school is heartbreak every teenager feels on another first day of school. You weren’t all that much of a morning person, so waking up, especially on the first day, took a long time.

With barely ten minutes until the first bell, you pull up to the school, ready to give enough energy to get by but not stand out. Nothing at this school gave you a reason to want to stand out. As you walked to the front where tables are laid out with school schedules, you looked around, observing the crowd of late arrivals.

The secretary called out next, handing your schedule to you wordlessly. She didn’t even need to ask your name, your high school got around only four or five new students a year. You reach into your bag for your flip phone to text Kaitlyn to ask her what her first period was when you realize you had forgotten it in your blue Camry.

The phone still in your car was unforgiveable, you jog back to it to grab it when a van pulls up to the school, tires screeching as it was five minutes until the first bell. As you reached into your car, you kept your eye on the mysterious van as you knew which car belonged to who by the end of your sophomore year. You didn’t know this one. This van looked like it spent a few days at Woodstock.

Ok, it wasn’t that old.

But it sure had some time on it.

The owner got out of the driver’s seat, and the moment he turned around you felt your breath caught in your throat. He was gorgeous. His short, curly brown hair sat pretty on his head as his lanky stature grabbed at his backpack to head into the school.

As he ran to the tables sat out front, you had to catch your breath, your heart beating out of your chest as this essential need to be near him clawed its way out from your chest.

-

As always, I love reading your comments and tags and replies. Reblogging is the best way to support fic writers on here, so please I would appreciate it. Inbox is always open!

Tag list: @pinkcowracing @yourthebrokengirl @steeldaisies @skrzydlak @thirddeadlysin @sammararaven @bebe07011 @prettylovley

[sothischickshe]

Up for a discussion question? If we’d gotten a full season three as intended, what would you have expected/liked to see from Beth and Rio?

Hey sweetie, I'm always up for a discussion question danke 🙇🏼‍♀️🥰❤️

I stand by what I said once re what i'd've liked to see from s3, particularly: the full s3 😭😭, whatever their vision for that was, so I could judge it on its own merits!! It remains a very romantic concept to me, bc while I certainly have my issues with other plots in s3 (terrible therapist, donor family, here's a hitman let's give him all our money woo, dean's salesman shenanigans & boring affair with gale etc) the angsty messy sexy brio scenes were soooo delicious 🥺🖤 and then while I understand s4 had a lot to reset from/deal with, s4 (b)rio frequently doesn't make all that much sense to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

but also! i finally started posting a fic which is kinda about that? (rio pov, post s3, eventually very long etc). so im gonna say a lil more (thus warning: minor fic spoilers) behind the cut...

....but this thing keeps moving where i put the readmore?!

how do u make a website this bad. um anyhow

pay-off to the boring dean/gale stuff!! helllooooo beth and dean both sleeping with their bosses?! hilarity goldmine no?!

MORE RHEA. like you can't just introduce a character beth's having a quasi-romance with & rio's presumably had an actual one with, who's seen them both at their softest and uncovered worstnesses, and is surely best placed to comment on say their similarities and then do nothing with it???

beth and rio yelling at each other. surely this was coming??

not ending on that next time empty the clip line (which i don't like) / wrapping up the hitman plot

given the (sudden!) arrival of nick in s4 and depressing rio backstory, i'd've loved some suggestion that rio was like consciously paralleling nick & beth's betrayals of him & considering them as similar and/or that his mentoring of beth had something to do with even the vaguest of plans to extricate himself from nick (plus Revenge) etc

like. acknowledgment and processing of trauma???

weird angsty sex

more brio bar scenes, more brio drinking, more brio laughing (at each other)

if not the furniture return, then at least it being more a topic of conversation...like how wasnt it? beth pitching ideas for earning the return (at least of her kids' stuff??) or rio holding it over her head or at least him going on abt how much he's enjoying her lamps or something!

death divorce. the show held this over our head for far too long. i also like this being decoupled from the brio stuff as much as plausible. beth needs to divorce dean not bc she's interested in rio but bc dean is the worst.

plenty of boland bubbles, that spot lasted abt 0.4 seconds after we sat through all that dean nonsense... we should have at least got rio testing out an empty hot tub cos he doesnt know theyre supposed to have water in or something.

inordinate amounts of brio bickering

ending of hitman/plot consciously paralleling s1 and 2 finales, even if it wasn't literally beth + rio + some man + a gun (ideally with some rationale as to how rio finds said hitman, whether or not that was a reveal of his magical powers)

Incentive Convo Callbacks (also rio vs sushi like a million more times, pls)

scars.

[itsclydebitches]

I fear Ted might go back to Kansa because of Henry and because Dorothy leaves Oz and Mary Poppins goes back to wherever she came from, so if the series does that, I couldn't really say it came out of nowhere, but I'm also really hoping as hard as I can that it isn't the case, because Ted needs his found family and friends, and thinking about him alone in Kansas (even with Henry and Beard) just breaks my heart, so I wanted to say I really loved reading your meta about it!!!

I'm so glad you liked it, anon! Honestly, it's nice to hear that I'm not alone in thinking this. There's been so much meta lately arguing that Ted will go back to Kansas - which, as you say, I think is both likely and something the story has set up long term - but it doesn't feel like many fans are talking about whether he should. Given how focused the show is on these bonds and the growth everyone undergoes... damn, it would feel really bleak to me if Ted were to simultaneously leave the community and effectively go back to where he started: Kansas, (American) football, a rocky relationship with Michelle, Henry. I'm just imagining a finale that carts Ted off to where he's not only got to deal with everything he's still got going on (anxiety), but also is smack-dab in the middle of new struggles (many more "Who's playing dad and giving Henry money?" interactions + "Oh yeah, I'm perpetually reminded that my former therapist broke his professional oath and is dating my ex 🙃"), all without the support system he's built. Maybe he'll have Beard with him but god, that's so depressing to me!! I'm praying the writers have picked up on all the negative implications here and the return setup is just a red herring... but I'm preparing myself for that disappointment. Unfortunately, Ted Lasso would not be the first show that got caught up in the idea of a circular ending, not realizing how much that undermines the core messages at play...

Also, I just want to highlight some of @queen-mabs-revenge tags on the post. I didn't have the energy earlier to delve into the intricacies of why the Mary Poppins parallel doesn't work for me, but this lays it out succinctly:

#fr the mary poppins point like the metas are great but it's the idea of it that just deeply depresses me#bc honestly in mary poppins — it's not about mary poppins when it comes down to it#you don't really learn anything about her life because it's not about her it's about the family she leaves behind#like it kind of would feel like a slap to be brought so deeply into ted's inner life and journey for them to pull a mary poppins#like part of the reason why it's ok when mp leaves is bc she's already practically perfect in every way#she doesn't need the family so it's ok for her to leave#you're not invested in her character growth bc she doesn't really have any#that very much doesn't translate over to ted's story!#he needs the richmond fam as much as they need him#it's qualitatively different!

Bolded for emphasis because YEAH. THAT. Mary Poppins is almost more of a narrative device than she is a character. Which isn't to say she doesn't have personality, but that she exists to forward the growth of the family she visits, not develop herself. That is explicitly NOT who Ted is. In fact, the show has gone out of its way to say that Ted's tendency to put everyone else before himself and power through life with an endlessly positive, one might say "perfectly perfect" way is deeply unhealthy. He's had a whole arc about unlearning that! So to have him just leave like Mary Poppins does... oof. As for the Dorothy parallel, that just feeds into what I was arguing in the original post: Ted no longer thinks that there's "no place like home." You can love and miss a place deeply while recognizing that it's no longer where you need to be and I very much think Ted has hit that point in Season 3.

Plus, uh... there's the fact that Dorothy's journey is all a dream and she/the audience realizes that every loved one she "left behind" was really just a fantasy version of the family she already had. Dorothy was only and always going home to her family, not leaving a new family because they're one-in-the-same. Ted would just be leaving, period. There's no real - and therefore superior - version of Rebecca, Roy, Trent, Higgins, Keeley, Nate, Mae, and all the boys waiting for him in Kansas.

[yuukei-yikes]

what do you think of ene :3 the kagepro fans ive seen tend to write her off as LOL silly virus miku and not much beyond that and while she is sillay i do wish shintaro/ene codependency was explored a little bit .... so when i saw you mention post str takane/shintaro codependency i was like FUCK YEAHHHHHH

lmao. dude. she is my favorite character COME ON like it pisses me off so bad how everyone treats ene as teehee comic relief and only treat takane as Takane bc like. THEYRE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON IDIOT!!! Hating ene is hating post str takane 😒😒😒

anyways i dont have a fave between haruka and takane but heh takane just has so much more depth imo. her story is a lil more complex to me and its just such a good arc ugh like shes rly one of the characters to go through the most drastic development like her arc is so😭😭😭 i love you enomoto takane and i hate ppl who disregard ene. if u do that u dont fucking understand takane at all and u should GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

POST STR SHINTARO/TAKANE CODEPENDENCY REALNESS ITS LITERALLY MY FAVE SUBJECT EVER BC LIKE takane fucking DIED and so did everyone she loved and suddenly there is shintaro who she holds onto not only bc he looks awful and obviously needs help but bc hes the one proof she was ever real so she holds onto him as her form of keeping herself sane!??!?!!? like it goes both ways!?!?!?? for over a year (i think ene arrives in shintaros comp like a year into him being a shut in out of the 2 years, irc?) theyre all the other has, but for ene it also goes into him being her whole entire life and point of existence. not only to keep herself sane and have a purpose, but being with shintaro in memory of ayano, of haruka, and of herself... like. post str takane has ISSUES i think its rly hard for her to really let go of shintaro.

as for shintaro its like... im kinda split. would he wanna cut her off or hold onto her as well? ive seen cool stuff with the idea of shintaro being super angry at her but tbh i think he'd be mad for only a little but since he's got memories of past timelines its difficult to be Actually mad at her and cut her off. like, he killed her in one route LMAO i think shintaro would feel guilty abt that + treat the situation seriously not like he did in the novel where they get over it after just yelling at each other for a bit and its rather a funny scene than a serious one😒 (i hate how the novels treated takane getting her body back as sort of a joke, like she gets it back off screen bc its a Kano Novel and then its implied she like shoplifted some food LMAO and then the shintaro confrontation is just written off as a funny bit i just UGH it should be a bigger deal that one of the main characters got her body back after 2 years but WHATEVER)

anyways. shintaro would go easy on takane especially when seeing how pathetic she looks trying to fix things with him and i think they have this sick sick sick she can fix me/i can fix him relationship where shintaro while wary of her at first, does fall in how comfortable it is to just rely on takane for everything and treats takane as a therapist while takane rejoices in not only still being in his life but being needed by him. ayano would be jealous of takane and goes to haruka like arent YOU jealous and haruka's like am i the only one seeing this is super just fucked up for both their mental healths especially takanes. haruka is not jealous of shintaro as much as hes kind of annoyed bc in the dynamic Shintaro is really the one indulging takane bc its comfortable for him. haruka probably tries talking to takane but its also difficult for him to call it out bc she sees how broken and nervous she is without knowing whats of shintaros life so its like. a whole thing. yuukei quartet relationship drama 4ever

[convexcave]

ugh ok i’m gonna talk abt my mom situation a little bit so that’s what’s under the cut cw for transphobia

so like an old friend who is… also friends with my mom reached out to me & acted like she was just reaching out to reach out but I have a sneaking suspicion that she was sent on a fact finding mission about my whole deal from my mom bc when she called she feigned ignorance about the whole cut my mom off thing & later subtly revealed that she had been told all of this by my mom already… & she wanted to go out to lunch with me to like catch up and we did because it has been a long time and like we are friends or at least I used to consider her a friend & like then the whole convo turned into her lecturing me abt detransitioners and how they regret destroying their bodies & how i’m perfect the way I am and I don’t need to change my body like ugh all that fucking annoying conservative rhetoric

so she was like you’re not gonna like cut your tits off right and I was like….. uh. at this point in my life I don’t really want to it’s not like that much of an issue for me anymore since going on testosterone and she was like phew ok good you call me before you make any decisions like that because I don’t want you mutilating your body

and she basically said it’s stupid for me to not get back into film acting at this point bc everyone’s casting transgenders and i’m like… but. I don’t want to. like I don’t want to act. i’m good at it I know and I know how to do it but it doesn’t make me happy and it doesn’t make me feel good

but anyway

my dad was there bc me can’t drive so. he drove me into town. and like he has yk 30 years of investigative experience & he told me afterward that the way she was asking questions she was most likely fishing for information from me & he was willing to bet that her and my mom are gonna be having a conversation shortly

and i’m just. I dunno

bc old friend also was like yeah my sister died in october and you know you always think you have all this time but you really don’t aka you should forgive your mom and i’m like… uh. urm… no. like

my quality of life has increase significantly since I removed her from my life, and she hasn’t shown that she’s grown or worked on all the issues that caused me to cut her off in the first place

& i asked my QPP what he thought and she said like being fully honest with myself would I regret not making up with my mom if she like died in an accident tomorrow and really I wouldn’t

i’ve spent my entire life catering to her emotions and trying to make sure that she’s happy and she’s comfortable and putting my own needs by the wayside to take care of her emotionally and if she is incapable of self reflection and change then I didn’t miss out on anything really

I cherish the good times that we had and i’m grateful for the good things she did for me in my childhood but those things don’t erase the neglect in something as key as emotional regulation

If she really wants a relationship with me again she has to go to therapy and take responsibility for all of her colossal fuck ups instead of wallowing in her grief over a daughter that she hasn’t really known since 2014 bc that’s all she’s doing. she’s sitting around being sad about it. like jesus christ. if you really want me back then go earn me back, but she’s never wanted to put that effort in for me so i’m not expecting her to

also I have communicated to her extremely directly that if she starts going to therapy regularly and working on her issues we can maybe start talking again and you know what she did? she fount tooth and nail against the idea saying she didn’t have time because of work (she’s literally family friends with her boss who is aware of our entire situation and if she knew why my mom had to leave an hour early once a week she’d have literally no issues with that) and that she can’t afford it (I did the research and found three therapists that specialize in single mothers and the trauma of raising a child alone all in her area who all take medicaid which my mom has)

and guess what she did finally get a therapist but she went to a fucking??? gender and sex therapist???? even when I sent her those three therapists that work with single mothers? I can’t wrap my head around it

but yeah I think i’m just pissed about the whole ohhh you’ll regret it thing like uh. maybe you regret how your relationship with your sister was when she died unexpectedly but i’ve literally done everything I had the energy to do like i’m fucking twenty I don’t need to be spending time trying to fix a fucking fifty year old adult woman’s self hatred issues, that’s her job

i’ve already grieved her, I wish I had a mom every day but I quite simply don’t and that’s just life, id rather not have a mom in my life than have one that makes me miserable

one last fun side note uh currently sleeping in the living room at my dads house & I can totally hear him and his wife fucking and it’s very awkie I grabbed my headphones & put on some music so i’m free for now but these bitches are on 10% so pray they get their shit done before they die bc I would like to live in ignorance

very… very excited to be back in my own house….. i’ve been trying to live in the moment but I would not like to be living in this moment right now ngl

[wrenfea]

hey! is it ok to ask a wheelchair related question? i am in PT and have muscle atrophy n hyper mobility and nother things (no disorder specified) and I’m told to do these exercises and “it’s good to move when ur in pain and fatigued.” and that it’ll make it better .. but it’s hard to manage and id like to go through daily life not in pain and be able to do more things. i want a mobility aid .. I kinda think maybe a wheelchair would be best bc both of my legs and arms and back are effected.. but I know I’d be told I’m “giving up” and that I will atrophy more… n what I’m thinking is well what if I keep doing these exercises and doing walks but in my daily life also use a wheelchair or mobility aid? would I still atrophy then?.. what happens if u completely atrophy?.. idk it’s just like. when should I use a wheelchair vs not do that and keep doing the exercises to strengthen myself ? idk like when should I allow myself a wheelchair ?

I am not a medical professional so please take my advice with a grain of salt. Also my advice comes from my own personal experience with fibromyalgia, I do not have hyper-mobility, but I do know people that do.

I was in a pretty similar position last year in PT. Everyone kept telling me to keep moving, to push myself to get stronger even though it hurt. I tried, I really did, and it did help for a bit. However once November hit, everything went back to the way it was. Before November I was able to run around in the heat with only minor symptoms as long as I could take breaks. But once November hit I could barely move. So I had to make a choice. Stay in bed and join class virtually, losing the amazing experience of my program at SCBI, or find a way to cope with my situation.

Anon, when I told my rheumatologist, she laughed at me. It's like she wasn't even listening. A 15 minute appointment. I didn't even straight up ask for a wheelchair, I just brought up the possibility of exploring mobility aids as an option. She said I was too young. My therapist? She kept saying it was a terrible idea because it would cause muscular atrophy. This is a lady with no experience with fibromyalgia other than "one of her other clients has it". I decided to stop listening to those who kept giving me advice without actually listening to me and not actually having any experience with my disability (hell, my therapist kept saying I shouldn't call myself disabled as that would be giving up).

I started looking on forums for people with fibromyalgia (stuffthatworks is AMAZING) and was connected with people who have had my disorder for decades. I reached out to someone who was able to give me advice on mobility aids from the perspective of someone with fibromyalgia that had been using mobility aids for years.

I'm not saying doctors don't know anything, but many doctors stick to what they are taught rather than doing their own research or actually listening to their patients. It took a while but I finally have doctors who listen to me. Who actually check up and make sure their treatments are working. Who accepted that they didn't know what to do and would refer me to another doctor instead of throwing medicine at me.

If you aren't actually diagnosed yet, I would be wary about PT. How are they supposed to treat you in a way that won't exacerbate your condition if they don't even know what you have?

Here's my advice, do your own research. Try to find a specialist that deals with your specific issues. For me, I reached out to a spine and pain doctor who referred me to a neurologist. I got an MRI, an EEG, and a sleep study. They found out I had sleep apnea which I had no idea I had. I also went to a chiropractor who did x-rays and I found out my neck is literally backwards. Like I have mild scoliosis. I do PT with the chiropractor which is so much nicer because I use methods that don't cause pain. Everything is so gradual and personalized. Meanwhile my old PT place had me going up and down stairs because I told them I hated stairs. I can actually freaking move my neck side to side now.

Once you have a diagnosis, try to find a community forum for people with your condition. Heck if you already have a pretty good idea you can look at those forums now. Stuffthatworks has multiple communities for different health conditions.

Now about the mobility aids. Honestly? Fuck the whole atrophy thing. Think of it this way, will you really be moving more with it or without it? Without the wheelchair I go out less and stay in bed more, which causes atrophy!! With the wheelchair, I go out more, use my arms and core (manual wheelchair only tho), and have more energy to actually do the exercises my doctor prescribed. It helps me save energy for the things that matter. Wouldn't it be better for me to use my wheelchair to get to class and then do my PT exercises than to suffer through walking to class unaided and then sleep the rest of the day? Do what increases YOUR standard of living. If you can get a wheelchair or other mobility aid, go for it.

There's a reddit forum for wheelchair users that I've found useful for first timers. Also please note it can be next to impossible to get a wheelchair prescription ESPECIALLY as a young person. I would look on Craigslist or charities near you that provide wheelchairs. I got mine off Craigslist for $80 for a $500 wheelchair. For others I was able to find a rollator at goodwill for $40. They also had crutches but I didn't buy those. You can also find canes pretty much everywhere. It's good to have different levels of mobility aids for different levels of pain.

For the atrophy thing specifically, I used a wheelchair in highschool (broken ankle that would not heal) and did notice my legs atrophied a bit. But as long as you monitor your muscle weakness and do exercises that strengthen your muscles along with using the wheelchair, you should probably be fine. I have a rollator so I can take walks and get my legs moving while also still having a place to sit if needed. Also, working with a physical therapist that actually knows about your condition and accepts that sometimes you need to use your mobility device will help. You'll most likely find that it will actually become easier to do your physical therapy exercises once you stop wasting energy on simply getting about.

Sorry this is kinda long, I hope it helps. Let me know if you have any other questions or want me to elaborate on something. Also if anyone who sees this has more advice feel free to add on!

[nerdygaymormon]

uhhhh david have you gotten the liahona yet bc idk how to feel about an article i found in there yesterday. it was pretty comforting and basic, but did use ssa the whole time. BUT the youth one was pretty crappy, it used ssa to the max and gave no real hope, was pretty bland and annoying about oh itll be find just believe and jesus and get hatecrimed <3 i would like to hear your thoughts on it, its the first time ive seen any queer topics in church magazines

Thanks for bringing these to my attention.

"Same-sex attraction" (SSA) is the preferred term of Church leaders. They say it's a way of not making it your identity, that this isn't part of who I am but rather is something I'm dealing with. In other words, people "have" same-sex attraction, not that they "are" gay or lesbian or bi.

There have been a few leaks from behind-the-scenes where the apostles say they use "same-sex attraction" because it's the term that people like least. People like it less that same-gender attraction or gay/lesbian. SSA includes the word "sex" and I guess the idea is it gets people to think of sexual acts and feel queasy.

SSA is the term normally used in Church magazines because they follow the lead of the First Presidency and apostles.

There's 3 items in the Church magazines this month about queer people! That's a lot for one month.

————————————————————

The first is a bishop talking about how to understand and include LGBT people at church. After becoming bishop, 3 sets of parents contacted him distressed that their child is gay or transgender (I note that the parents used "gay." He also mentions contacting someone who 'identifies as gay").

His first recommendation is to follow the living apostles. (which explains why the bishop uses "SSA" even though everyone else around him used "gay"). It's a good idea for a local leader to find what the current leaders are saying because it's changed. He also says to read the Church's websites titled “Same-Sex Attraction” and “Transgender.” He provides two lovely quotes from those pages about diversity at church and being loving to people who are different.

His second recommendation is to not be afraid to talk to people who identify as gay, but instead try to have love for them and then let the Spirit guide you in what to say. We're just people, it shouldn't be scary to talk to us, that shows how different he thinks we are from the other people he interacts with in his ward.

The bishop's third suggestion is to speak to people who are familiar with LGBT "issues," share your testimony, and apologize for hurtful things you say. His list of people to contact for help understanding was a little disheartening because he starts with his stake leaders, ward leaders, other bishops, and so on, actual queer people were the last people on his list.

He continues by saying to pull aside members who are saying homophobic or transphobic things and give them some personal guidance, don't share private information that a member shares with the bishop, and just because someone has these "attractions" doesn't mean they're acting on them, and if they aren't "acting" on them then you can let them have a calling.

I have a few comments about the last few things. If no one corrects the homophobic/transphobic comments in public but instead privately suggests the person do better, every one who heard those comments thinks they stand unchallenged. The atmosphere created by the comments is unchanged. Especially if the bishop was present to hear those words, if they go uncontested then people think this is what is acceptable.

You'd think bishops know not to share private information a member shares with them. I've been around long enough to know that when a bishop is unsure what to do, he starts contacting his network (stake presidency, other bishops) asking for advice. Some bishops are discreet when doing this and others name the individuals.

While it seems basic, I recently had a counselor in a bishopric who didn't think gay people could get a temple recommend, that there's a zero-tolerance policy. That is an attitude that is outdated by a couple of decades, but it shows that people need to learn that simply existing as a gay or trans person doesn't automatically mean we are committing great sins.

I do find it interesting there appears to have been quite a few queer individuals in his ward, at least 4 or 5, and reading between the lines it seems they all stopped attending.

The bishop's heart is in the right place. I get he's following the Church leaders and that limits some of what he can do for queer people in his ward. I think his perspective primarily is of making the parents feel more welcome in the ward and not ostracized for having queer kids.

————————————————————

The second article in the Liahona is written by a person with same-sex attraction and his work to overcome the shame he felt.

It's a much better article than the one written by the bishop. This person shares about the shame they felt at having gay feelings and working with a therapist to overcome that shame. He shares 3 lessons that helped him with this process.

1) God and Jesus love and accept him as he is. This is a message that doesn't often get conveyed to queer members and it's important they know this.

2) The Atonement of Jesus Christ offers healing. At first he was wanting the Atonement to cure him of being gay, but instead it helped him be healed of the shame he felt. I hear so many members who think the Atonement can change us from gay to straight, and that's not true. I'm glad he made this distinction. Our Heavenly Parents don't view being gay or trans as something that needs to be cured. I wish that message was taught more openly in the Church.

3) Build deeper connections and show compassion. Loneliness and feeling like you don't belong at church are two of the most troubling aspects an LGBTQ+ person has to deal with if they are active in the LDS Church. Developing close friendships will help with that. Also, queer people tend to be more compassionate than the average person and I believe it's because of the experiences we had to deal with of living in a heteronormative world that isn't made for us.

He includes a few useful tips at the end on how to engage with queer people.

All in all, a much better story than the one written by the bishop. He shared part of how it feels to be a gay member of this church, the idea that he should be ashamed for who he is, that being gay isn’t a burden, that he doesn't fit in.

I appreciated he said this is part of his layers of identity and at the core of his identity is that we're children of heavenly parents. That's more nuanced than the apostles who reject being gay has anything to do with identity and our only identity should be a child of God.

————————————————————

The final story is from For the Strength of Youth. This piece seems like it's written by a queer person, but it's anonymous and given as general advice to show that people with same-sex attraction belong at church.

This article makes 3 main points. The first is that God loves you. That's true, although accompanying quotes to back up this principle aren't specifically about queer people.

The second point is "you belong." All sorts of people attend church, and God is no respecter of persons. Then they have a quote from Elder L. Whitney Clayton that people with same-sex attraction are welcome to come to church. To me, he's an odd choice to give this message as he led the Church's fight in California on Prop 8 to make gay marriage illegal again. Words aren't enough. Saying I'm welcome is not the same as making a welcoming climate.

The third point is that God will help you. They include a quote from Laura F. who experiences same-sex attraction. She writes about prayer, scripture study, temple and church attendance. However, she also says she doesn't know what her life will look like in 20 years, she seems to be leaving open the possibility her journey with God will lead her to romance and out of the church. I thought that was very honest and important.

————————————————————

I found it noteworthy that nowhere in these 3 articles does it say being alone and celibate is good and what God wants.

I appreciate the idea that we can make our local congregations less homophobic/transphobic. The suggestions from the bishops shows that the bar is pretty low and it doesn't take much to make an improvement from how things are now.

The voices of the two gay members was important, what they shared was useful but nuanced, didn't make commitments to staying in the church long-term or testify that what the church requires is what God wants for them.

Even so, it's clear the publisher is very careful. They use "same-sex attraction" so often, I think readers would be surprised the preferred term of most same-sex attracted people would be gay, bi or lesbian. While they addressed some things, like homophobic/transphobic comments, feeling shame & not fitting in, I think they largely skated past the things that make queer people decide that this church isn't for them.

There's a part of me that says I'm glad we're having this conversation in the Church magazines, but another part that says this is too sanitized and doesn't get at the heart of things. These are very hopeful messages that make it seem that queer people could easily choose to stay in church if a few adjustments were made and if they only understood God loves them, which avoids the "doctrine" that excludes queer people from the highest blessings and joys and makes us essentially second-class citizens in the kingdom of God, at least according to our church.

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb part 6.1

🎶 Back on the bullshit I never got off🎶

Is this another unnecessary story arc?? With three sections??

Yes.

Wushanju Crew Chat

Wang Meng: You know, I’m someone who appreciates consistency in my day. My life is pleasant, very few issues indeed if you ignore the big ones. And yet. Yet here we are. With unresolved messes at the end of a day.

Wang Pangzi: SOMETHIN YOU NEED TO SAY MARY POPPINS

Wang Meng: We need to talk about Huo Daofu and the glittery bead curtain.

Wang Pangzi: MY FAVE TEEN WIZARD SERIES

Wu Xie: did you turn on that suggested word thingy lol

What glittery bead curtain

Wang Meng: I closed the shop at 6:00pm this evening on the dot. I locked all of the doors in and out of the shop very carefully, especially in light of recent events. The hall leading to the back office was empty. I filed the day’s paperwork, updated and sent emails, and then spent an extra hour organizing receipts and dusting. When I came back out, there were glittery iridescent bead curtains over the front entrance to the shop.

What could this mean?

Wu Xie: uh that you need to spend less time at work?

Wang Pangzi: LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ONE FOR THE DETECTIVES. THE MYSTERY OF THE BEDAZZLED THRESHOLD COMMENCES

Wu Xie: I think we can be relatively secure in thinking a glittery bead curtain isn’t a hostile threat

Wang Pangzi: SAYS YOU

I REMEMBER YE OLDE EXPLORATION TIMES HOW FAST THINGS GOT FURIOUS

BEANBAG CHAIRS SET AFLAME AND LEFT ON DOORSTEPS AS A WARNING

GLITTERBOMBS FOR DAYS

PANIC AT THE DISCO

Wang Meng: Ugh, forget it. I should have just taken them down, regardless of who they belong to.

Zhang Qiling: They are not mine.

Wang Pangzi: A BOLD STATEMENT COMING FROM OUR PRIME SUSPECT

SOMEONE QUICK GO DRAW CHALK AROUND THE DOORWAY TO MARK THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

Wang Meng: Do we know anyone who *would* sneak in and put those up? For whatever reason, legal or not? Even as a joke?

Wang Pangzi: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHETHER WE KNOW ANYONE WHO IS CHAOTIC, AN OUTLAW, A PRANKSTER AND/OR SNEAKS INTO PLACES

BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN OUR SUSPECT LIST IS LITERALLY EVERYONE WE KNOW EXCEPT FOR YOU.

Wu Xie: okay let’s think about this; for starters, I didn’t break into my own shop

Wang Meng: You would be in danger of doing some work in the process, that’s true.

Wang Pangzi: LOL

Wu Xie: ANYWAY let’s keep going. For example, Xiao Ge would only break in somewhere for a good reason. Xiao Ge, did you do this?

Zhang Qiling: No.

Wu Xie: okay who’s next

Wang Pangzi: YOU REALLY MISSED YOUR CALLING IN INTERROGATION TIANZHEN

REALLY PUT THE SCREWS TO HIM

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE;)

Zhang Qiling: How can we be certain *you* didn’t do it?

Wang Meng: Admittedly that was my guess, too.

Wang Pangzi: WOW I SEE HOW IT IS

BLAME PANGZI AS USUAL

ANYWAY HOW DOES HUO DAOFU FIT INTO THIS

Wu Xie: Oh yeah him! Oops I got distracted

Wang Pangzi: UR ENTIRE HISTORY IN A NUTSHELL

Wu Xie: Ugh fuck off

Wang Meng what abt Huo Daofu??

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wu Xie: oh sorry xiaoge I didn’t realize you wouldn’t have spent much time around him last year

He and I go way back

Zhang Qiling: Way back where?

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS BUYING YOUR INNOCENT ACT

IF YOU EVER TURN TO EVIL WE ARE FUCKED

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO HUO DAOFU IS

YOU WERE EXTREMELY POLITE AND BORDERLINE FRIENDLY TOWARDS HIM

Zhang Qiling: I wanted him to feel welcome. I wanted to be sure he understands he has a place here. A specific place.

Wang Pangzi: FOR A SILENT GUY YOU ARE A MASTER AT SUBTLE POWER PLAYS IM ALL TINGLY

LMAO THE IDEA OF WU XIE LEAVING YOU FOR HUO DAOFU IS HILARIOUS AND ALSO NOPE

Zhang Qiling: Rationally, I understand that.

Main Chat

Wang Meng: Huo Daofu is coming for the weekend—didn’t Wu Xie tell you? Wu Xie asked me to check in a week ahead so we could start getting ready for his arrival

Wu Xie: oh yeah I did do that

Wang Meng: Fortunately I know you and so I already went ahead and took care of everything.

Re: the trip

He made a deal with Wu Xie’s doctor that he would do periodic checkups on him here at Wushanju

Bc Wu Xie hates being in the hospital

And frankly the hospital hates him too

Wang Pangzi: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT LOL

I FORGOT HUO DAOFU WAS DOING THAT

A VERY CHIVALROUS GESTURE

WOULDNT YOU SAY

XIOAGE

Zhang Qiling: Is it safe for him to be here with a criminal loose on the premises?

Wu Xie: Right, back to the curtain! Let’s focus on the curtain, hmm?

Wang Pangzi: I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.

ALSO WE CAN RULE OUT XIAO BAI FOR THE CURTAIN SHE JUST SENT A SELFIE FROM NORWAY COVERED IN GREEN SLIME WITH ZERO CONTEXT, UR PROTEGE INDEED

Wu Xie: okay but who else would do something so oddly charming yet illegal and—wait.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: hey, Glasses hasn’t been in touch lately right?

Li Cu: uh nope

Unless u count the outdated memes

Why, is money or Xie Yuchen missing

Or is this curtain related, I saw Wang Meng’s tweet

Wu Xie: haha no nothing to worry about really

(I mean maybe? but who knows)

Wang Meng is probably just getting a little paranoid in his old age

Li Cu: better than getting reckless and stupid as hell in ur old age

Wu Xie: …hey:(

Unknown Number: Li Cu, we discussed this.

Wu Xie: ????????

Li Cu: *sigh* fine, reckless and stupid as heck

Unknown Number: …close enough.

Wu Xie: EXCUSE who is that

Madame, Sir, Non-Binary Tree Spirit, etc—whomst the fuck

Are you

Li Cu is underage FYI

So Im staying on this chat

Li Cu: okay first of all, it’s not like that

Second of all I’m literally not underage I s2g

u threw the embarrassing surprise bday party, okay so u should remember

And C, that’s my counselor and I invited her. She wanted to meet u and I knew u wouldn’t agree to a visit so I added her to our chat

we have been discussing u

Wu Xie: Oh wow!!!!!!!

What a surprise:)

hi so nice to meet you:)

Main Chat:

Wu Xie: RED FUCKING ALERT

FUCK THE CURTAIN FUCK THE VISIT

IVE BEEN TRICKED INTO FAMILY THERAPY BY A SMUG TEENAGER WHO TEXTS UNKNOWN NUMBERS

Wang Meng: I assume that means something to someone here?

Not my problem? Good.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHA GOD I LOVE LI CU

HES LIKE ADORABLE KARMA FOR ALL THE SHIT YOUVE PUT ME THROUGH

IM RAISING HIS ALLOWANCE

Wu Xie: wait i give him an allowance

has he been collecting on two allowances??

Zhang Qiling: Three. I knew about both of yours.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: so uh may I ask your name?

Unknown Number: you can call me Ms. Lee.

Now, if you’re comfortable talking in this format, why don’t you tell me how things have been going?

Wu Xie: oh everything is normal and fine and safe as usual, why do you ask:)

Li Cu: I heard about ur necklace thing. nice of you to NOT mention it.

another dangerous adventure. again. prick.

Ur lucky your cool boyfriend cares about you so much or you’d have already died like ten years ago

Wu Xie: lol try twenty years ago

Li Cu: That isn’t funny.

Unknown Number: …What?

Wu Xie: shit ur right, okay that was a bit glib, my apologies.

…I use humor as a coping mechanism?

Unknown Number: and Li Cu, how do you feel about that?

Li Cu: he doesn’t even know what that phrase means

He doesn’t cope, like ever

In fact

It’s kind of why we met

Which is a funny story in retrospect tbh

Wu Xie: haha what are you talking about sweetie hahaha need I remind you of certain anecdotes that could idk send me to jail maybe lmao

Unknown Number: …You know, perhaps an in-person meeting might be more effective?

Wu Xie: haha such a nice idea but why

Main Chat

Wu Xie: If I go to jail, I’ll have to create alliances for protection, right, that’s how it works on tv

Who do we know who spends time in jail

Other than Hei Yangjing, he’s only ever there for like 12 hours and i suspect he just gets himself arrested bc he enjoys the breaking out process

Also how’s the curtain case coming along

Zhang Qiling: Has someone threatened you?

Wu Xie: well not yet but soon I’m sure

Wang Pangzi: WHERE WAS THIS PARANOIA WHEN WE GOT TAKEN TO THE TEA HOUSE HUH

Snake Eyes Minus Your Fucking Therapist Chat

Li Cu: okay how tf did u pull off spy and undercover shit

u are sus as hell

Wu Xie: damn son is it pick on Wu Xie night

I missed the flyers or I would’ve invited my uncles

Also re: the curtain it’s been mostly solved

Li Cu: I’m not your son, idiot.

Wu Xie: …oh. Sorry, sorry, you’re right, bad choice of words, haha

Forget i said anything

Delete this chat even

Li Cu: shit I meant

Legally, biologically, I meant—

shit

…I turn into an asshole as a coping mechanism?

Wu Xie: oh that’s all okay! I have to go do something else now let me know if you need anything okay kid thanks!

Li Cu: goddamn it calm down who’s the kid here

lemme organize my thoughts so I can articulate my emotions fuckin healthily or w/e

Ugh maybe for like one afternoon we could go to Ms. Lee together? She knows how to word stuff

Wu Xie: uh…okay.

Li Cu: Anyway you don’t need to worry abt jail

As if you would survive prison for one day you’d piss off half the place in like an hour or less

I gave Ms. Lee the heavily edited version of the desert highway to hell roadtrip and i discussed it more in terms of like “nightmarish but still wouldn’t take any of it back”

Well maybe the sand

that shit was everywhere

Wu Xie: oh kiddo. It’s fine, really…You don’t have to explain yourself to me.

Li Cu: no, no it’s just

I do technically have a dad

who is an asshole. Being a son doesn’t really mean shit to me bc it sucked.

So you need to stop backing down just cuz ur guilty abt stuff. I’m really really glad ur not my dad in a good way. Do u get what I mean there

Where’s the mafia widower I followed into hell, huh

Wu Xie: Ur a good kid, despite my influence. I’m really glad you have someone to talk to after everything I…after everything. Wow this talking through feelings thing is kind of weird but nice ur right

Jfc no wonder it took me and xiaoge so long to—you know what, we won’t get into that

Li Cu: ew tmi

Also re: this week’s recent necklace fuckery

I moved my stuff here, I live here now

So you can’t die anymore

Or else…Idk I don’t have a threat planned

anyways abt the curtain

Wu Xie: oh my god, kid…kid you have no idea

I am in tears.

Li Cu: see this is why I can’t be nice to you I can sense the hallmark channel from here

Ugh don’t be sad in ur room that’s dumb

Go hug Pangzi or something

Maybe delete this chat

Or the curtain thing

Focus on the curtain thing

Just stfu and go away

Wu Xie: <3 screenshotting this <3

Li Cu: I take back everything I said. This is why Xiao Ge sleeps on the roof. I hope the ghosts of the Wangs put up that curtain to strangle you somehow. Go die in a stupid way, it’ll suit you.

Wu Xie: lol don’t worry I’m not gonna embarrass you with it or anything

Main Chat

Wu Xie: omg guys look how cute my kid is *sending screenshot*

Wang Pangzi: I MEAN

HE IS WISHING YOU DEATH

BUT SURE

CUTE I GUESS

Wu Xie: no but read the whole thing:):):)

Zhang Qiling: It is indeed very hard to remain angry with you. And you are welcome to join me on the roof.

Wang Pangzi: UH NOPE

NOT WHENI HAD TO BLEACH THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN

DONT TRAUMATIZE THE EARLY BIRDS THEYRE ALREADY FREAKED OUT BY U YA HOODIE CRYPTID

Wu Xie: ok true but babe ur like a sexy cryptid

Wang Meng: so, are we just accepting that there is a glittery curtain of unknown origin, and Huo Daofu is going to have to see it while he’s waiting for you at Wushanju bc you’re going to family therapy?

Wu Xie: right

Wang Pangzi: SHOULDA TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT HUH

Wang Meng: I’m going to go dust something.

Unnamed Chat:

Unknown number: so the curtain…

Unknown number 2: yep, not my best work but I kinda panicked last minute u know

Unknown number: what is in the water at Wushanju that makes everyone dumb and attractive

Unknown number 2: relax they’ll figure it out

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

okay i tried not to write a post about this but anyway here we go. so last night, on my fb watch feed, i decided to watch this irritating entrepreneur girl who was easily like 22 or so, try to give life advice about “how to be an entrepreneur!!” and “how to be rich like me by 22!!!” here’s some of the worst advice she had:

(1.) every millionaire/billionaire has several streams of income. for example i have my music/YT channel, my 8 businesses, my sponsorship deals, my several online classes that i teach on how to become a millionaire by 22!!! my upcoming ventures and art!!! my house, the condo that i rent out and stocks!!! so all up i have about 7 streams of income and if you don’t have my mindset you’re just weak and will never survive in this world 😊!

(2.) always work for free!!! bc you’re useless without experience. for example most of my first YT videos i did with brands were done for free. always take free/unpaid internships or work experience, and don’t think you have to get paid for everything!! get off of your high horse of self righteousness and work like a minion for free to build your portfolio so people will learn to take you seriously!!! because if you always expect to get paid, no one will take you seriously even with a portfolio. (remember: all of this will make you humble for your forced efforts of labour and capital! be grateful that they even took you on 😊!)

(3.) remember we all have the same 24 hours in a day as beyoncé!!! remember it’s all in your mindset!!! use all 24 hours to constantly level up. always believe in the laws of attraction so always have vision boards ready!!!

(4.) ok not to stop being cutesy and feel good (😊🥰) but always have a great therapist and life coach on hand when your mental health goes down hill!!! trust me, i used to be like “i’m all happy go lucky all the time!!! i’m a ray of sunlight!!” but y’all i was lying and i know y’all are too!! always have a therapist/life coach to get you away from your negative thought spirals!!!

(5.) any friend who doesn’t support your streams of income or your business goals which should always involve girlbossing far too close to the sun… cut them out *snip snip* of your life…. so that you can afford the cutting out of toxic and unsupportive people out of your life to only have unwavering support always in your circle! just have a completely relentless drive to build income for yourself!!! no matter how many bridges you burn and friends you sever from your immediate circle!!!

and there was so much else. but good god. it was just awful and i have no idea why i thought it was a good idea to watch this train wreck of a money advice video from an already rich and overly privileged early 20 something YTer. and luckily no one was taking her advice seriously…. since she was so young and was SO VERY OBVIOUSLY coming from a place of immense privilege and comfort. like ok. the therapist advice is good advice, if only therapy was actually affordable to everyone in the US (bc yes this girl was american). but even as an aussie, therapy isn’t that affordable either, and especially while job-searching on the aussie job seeking social security payment. my old therapist has closed her books bc of the pandemic, and i’m kind of like iffy i guess with the idea of therapist trialling/shopping, besides the point that i actually don’t have much time or money for it either.

like obvs i am defs not her target audience, being poor and all. but like what the fuck. who the fuck wants to waste their time with 7 streams of income and just caring about business ventures and always severing friends who “don’t serve you and your dreams and business visions” at every step of the way???? what a fucking atrocious way to live your life: only relentlessly caring about how much money you make every second of the day at such a young age. bc like this girl is 21 or 22… where the fuck are her breaks from all her supposed “work” and “business ventures” and “streams of income” and her “mindset”???? what the fuck.

bc where the fuck are her friends for fun and frivolous brunch dates??? for deep talks and heartfelt shit when or if her life goes up in flames or ends up in tatters after one (1) wrong social media move that gets her cancelled forever???? because let me tell you now, josie, it sure as fuck won’t be your precious buddy-buddy business opportunist/venture capitalist sponsors and investors. bc they’ll all drop you like a fucking hot potato if you do something terrible or slip up even the tiniest bit. bc no one wants to clean up that PR etc nightmare.

i liked that everyone was calling her incredibly short sighted and clueless in the comments on the video, in regards to her comments about “always work for free to build your resume and to prove yourself as worthy to everyone!“ and the dreaded bullshit of “we all have the same 24 hours in a day, so what on earth is stopping you from having 10 streams of income and working yourself to death????” oh that’s right! your mindset! if you always have a bad mindset of “i’ll never achieve anything feel sorry for me and my business dreams!” you don’t deserve to be successful. and that’s that! stop lying to yourself and making excuses for yourself and your mindset will improve!!!” i love how everyone in the comments was pointing out that this sounds/sounded incredibly MLM-y/ish. bc this is the exact type of toxic bullshit that people say MLM people use to pull them into selling their snake oil bullshit.

like. i absolutely will not work for free josie. no one should be expected to do that now in a global pandemic. i deserve pay for wasting my time doing a spreadsheet for a boutique marketing firm in sydney during an internship, no matter how long it is. or if it’s not something in marketing, i deserve to get paid a full fair wage for working in retail or food, since apparently that’s all i’m good for, even with a marketing advanced diploma and 2 degrees but no “solid professional job experience”. i do not want your absolutely bullshit mindset advice in your completely and utterly vapid and self-aggrandising courses about “how to be a millionaire/billionaire by 21 💸💵💰💳💲💲🤑🤑🤩👸🏻💎!!” when i know that you’re probably already from some type of very privileged background anyway, being a spoilt YTer already. i am NOT making excuses for wanting to be treated fairly and paid accordingly. and nor is anyone else today, in the hellscape that is the “competitive job market”, no matter what country you live in and also the pandemic et al.

also, for everyone who has to pay rent and pay gas/electricity and water etc etc etc bills, how the fuck are they going to pay for all of that if “oh work for free and for vibes and proper mindset building!”….. all of which don’t pay fucking jack shit in real life. vision boards only work for rich people who can then claim it was “the attraction pull of the universe and fate and manifest destiny!” instead of them realistically paying hundreds if not thousands or millions of dollars for sponsorship deals by negotiating contracts or whatever else. the “universe” and “fate” barely ever work in favour of the working class and the poor. bc no law of attraction is going to give me a paid traineeship, all because i manifested my destiny onto some shitty but aesthetically pleasing vision board with inspirational quotes on my bedroom wall. btw how the hell are you paying the rent and bills on your house and your rented out condo???? because i’m sure as fuck that it isn’t through manifest destiny and the universe aligning correctly with your specific business goals, is it??? it’s either your parents money or possibly yours.

she did have an obvious piece of advice that you see all the time, of “have a savings only acc that you can’t touch to really save your money!” but as i said above, when the cost of living is going up globally because of the pandemic, how the fuck is anyone able to save money anyway???? like i’m even finding it hard living at home on social security (given my pay is only $630 a fortnight, and this girl was talking like apparently $20,000 a month from her “7 streams of income” or some shit- so that’s already VASTLY out of touch with everyone in the comments watching the video). but also, as mentioned above, josie, how the fuck am i meant to save money if you’re spinning the bs of “always work for free!”…. like are my savings coming from my vision board???? from the severed ties of all the friends (or haters) that don’t support my streams of income and “girlboss goals”??? from my stupidly expensive life coach from linkedin???

just. it was one of the worst things i’ve ever watched tbh. and it shows just how incredibly fucking toxic hustle/grind/productivity culture along with toxic positivity and the bs spiels about vision boards and “manifest destiny” are to these grind all day people; but also to society at large. because why the fuck don’t i deserve a rest and friends that are for silly or frivolous things??? because who the fuck will be around when i have my inevitable mental breakdown and burnout bc i overwork myself every day of my life??? just my therapist??? wow that’s helpful. when i only see them once a week or a month or even once every few months, bc they’re regularly booked out.

and what about the people who can’t get access to therapists bc they’ve shut their books bc of the influx of patients during the…. uh *checks smudged writing on hand* worldwide pandemic??? what then, josie??? what then??? bc i don’t care how much of a “lone wolf *insert myers briggs personality type here*” or “over-competitive anal perfectionist” you are, or someone else is, josie. because you (or someone else) NEED/S REAL FRIENDS FOR REAL LIFE PROBLEMS. not just girlboss business besties and your therapist/life coach in your little “girlboss bitch queen pack ✌🏻🙌🏻👍🏻💪🏻👏🏻✨✨💃🏻💅🏻👩🏻‍💻👩🏻‍💼📈” social media and real life echo chamber, as if you’re like a mean girls regina george social media business maven/guru.

and also, why does everything have to apparently judged by my constant output for income??? what the actual fuck. i am not a machine josie (whatever the fuck her name was i don’t care). i will not sever ties with friends bc some bullshit concept of manifest destiny and my vision board for 10 businesses that i must have by like 25 told me so.

okay yeah, as part of the generation who watched way too many eps of teen cribs/cribs on mtv and way too much E! celeb channel bc of the kardashians (*cough, cough; nudge, nudge; wink, wink* kylie jenner is a self made billionaire *repeat above*), i DID want to be a millionaire or just generally rich when i was a kid. but holy fucking hell. if being rich means only having friends that continually serve your business needs and vision boards and “always work for free because you’re spoilt rotten if you think you deserve any compensation for your time and work, most especially when you’re starting out!” then count me the fuck out, actually.

[duuhrayliegh]

watch your six - part five

pairing: eventual bucky x reader (they’re together in the next chapter i stg)

warnings: language (several f bombs bc i feel like bucky would be liberal w them), sam and bucky being little shits, bad nicknames, 

word count: just under 2500

a/n: long awaited but it’s finally here! i’m super proud of this one :) i hope y’all like it also this was the first time i’ve written something like this so constructive criticism please. i hope i did the characters justice 

p.s.: my requests are still open babes! i’m working on the next part of this series and also possibly continuing TFCL ;) my tag lists are still open as well

please like and reblog if you enjoyed the story 

xoxo ray

series m.list

ray’s m.list

***********************************

The tension in the room was palpable. “What do you mean you know her, Buck?” Steve questioned. Bucky’s eyes were flitting around the room, landing on each face of bewilderment. He honestly didn’t know what he meant but that, it kind of just came out. Where the fuck did that come from? Who is this woman?

“Uh, hello? What’s going on in that cyborg brain of yours?” Sam interjected quickly, to which he received a sharp glare from both Bucky and Steve. Sam shrugged his shoulders and a quiet snort was heard from across the room.

“He’s got a point, Terminator.” Tony said as he plopped himself into one of the rollie chairs. “You can’t just say something like that and then not explain it.” Bucky’s brows furrowed and he expelled a grunt as his response to Tony.

“Bucky, you’ve got to give us something to go on here.” Natasha said calmly as she eyed an increasingly agitated Bucky.

Since coming back from Wakanda and being brought into the compound, Steve, Sam and Natasha have learned how to read Bucky. Steve has always been able to read the one hundred and six year old, they have shared life experience. Natasha was is a trained master assassin, trained in the Red Room by the Winter Soldier. One of her most valuable skills is her ability to read the emotions of anyone around her. And Sam, well he still leads a support group down at the VA. Being a war-torn veteran himself, he knows what it’s like to have to deal with the memories.

“Look, I don’t know what I meant by it.” Bucky finally said, throwing his hands above his head in exasperation. “It just came out, ya know? I didn’t process it before I said it and now, it’s out there. And to top it off, I don’t have the fucking memories there to back it up. They’re definitely there, but they aren’t just presenting themselves to me on a silver platter.” The group around him silenced.

Bucky was known for being the quiet, brooding type. His murder stare was comically famous around the compound. Sam constantly picked on Bucky about it, so hearing the man spout more than a few words at a time was a shocking experience for all of them.

“You know, there is a way that we can know what even your own mind doesn’t want you to know.” Tony said, darting his eyes over to Steve, who stood stoically in front of the large monitor.

“Goddamn, Tony! We said this isn’t an episode of FRIENDS!” Sam shouted.

“He won’t like that Tony. You know he won’t.” Natasha cut in quickly.

“But, if it works and it tells us if this woman knows anything, then it’s worth a shot.” Tony shot back.

“Tony. No. He’s already been through that and you want to subject him to it again?” Bucky was listening intently to their conversation, trying to figure out what they were referring to.  Natasha seemed adamant that Bucky would not be a fan of whatever it was. Tony, as usual, couldn’t care less.

“What are we talking about?”

“Wanda.”

“Who’s Wanda again?”

“She’s the witch.”

“We have a witch on our team? That’s not possible, there’s no such thing as witches and wizards.”

“Uh, yeah there is, cyborg.”

“No, there's not bird brain.”

“Yeah. There is, dumbass. She’s the one who does the hand thing and then there’s the crazy red glow around her? She’s got long hair? Dating the android?”

“There’s an android on the team?” Bucky was still getting to know everyone on the team, but he was positive he would know if there was a fucking android on the team.

“Yeah, the guy with the yellow glowy thing embedded in his forehead? Do you pay attention at all, Bucky? He’s dating Wanda, the witch with the red glowy hand thing?” Sam was waving his hands in front of his face and gesturing to his forehead.

“There’s no fucking way. Steve? Is there an android on the team?” Bucky turned to Steve, expecting an answer. All of the sudden, a red mass phased through the wall behind Steve. Vision appeared, looking quizzically around the room.

“Did someone ask for me?” His British accent carried through the room, once again causing the room to silence and turn to Bucky. Bucky’s lips were pursed, disgruntled that Sam was once again right in their little squabbles.

“Alright fine, but there’s not a witch right?”

“If you’re referring to Ms. Maximoff, then no. She simply manipulates molecular polarity allowing her to alter the reality around her.” Vision said it as if Bucky was meant to understand it. When in reality, Bucky was still getting over the fact fangirling that there was an android talking to him.

“However, if calling her a witch makes you more comfortable,” Vision paused and turned towards the doorway on the other end of the room, “I believe you should ask her permission before doing so.” He raised his hand causing Bucky to follow its direction.

“Hey Tony. Friday said you wanted to see me?” Wanda glided into the room, doing a quick survey of its occupants. Her gaze eventually landed on the vibrant being beside Steve. “Vis, you left in the middle of us making dinner. We’ve talked about that.”

“Yes, do forgive me, my love. However, I believe your expertise is required outside of the kitchen.” Wanda’s orbs flicked to Steve’s first and then to Tony’s, waiting for instructions.

“We want you to go inside Barnes’ mind and retrieve memories about someone for us.” Tony stated plainly. Bucky’s eyes widened and his fear grew. She can do that? Who the fuck was going to tell me that? Can she read my mind too? Is she listening now?

“That’s not exactly how it works, Tony.”

“It doesn’t matter because I never agreed to that, Stark.” Bucky said firmly. He was tired of his brain being put in a blender. He was finally getting comfortable in his own body again. He was gaining more and more control over his mind every day. Granted, he wasn’t sleeping because of the nightmares.

No, not nightmares, because of the memories. Why the fuck would he willingly subject himself to that during the daylight? No, his pain, though constant, was only to be shown at night, when he was completely alone and there’s no chance that he could hurt anyone else.

“If this is the only way that we can know for sure, then we need to do it.” Tony pushed, “You know I’m right, Cap. After what happened with the Sokovia Accords, even though they aren’t monitoring us as closely as they could be, they’re still watching. And if we storm in there without any good reason to, then it’s our asses on the line.”

“Hey, I don’t remember giving you authority over my brain. So what the fuck gives you the right to try and get me to do this shit?” Bucky stood as he spoke, “You’re heroes, goddamn it. It’s your fucking job to save people who need you to. So you should fucking do it. With or without a goddamn reason, you prick.” He shoved the chair away from him and stormed out of the room, passed Wanda who watched with a pained expression.

“He’s right, Tony.” Steve said quietly.

“About what, Cap?”

“We shouldn’t have to have a reason to do our jobs.”

“All I’m saying is that if he has information about this woman that could help us, we need to know it.” Tony glanced back to Wanda, “What if he’s enhanced like Wanda and Pietro and we go in there guns blazing. What happens if she perceives us as a threat? What then Cap?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, Tony.” Steve was the Captain, so ultimately it was his decision. This left Tony incredibly unsatisfied, giving him a reason to implement a plan of his own. “We leave tonight. Be ready to leave in three hours.”

The room emptied quickly, everyone having their own rituals to do before departing on a mission. Steve and Sam were the last to remain in the room. “Do you really think this is a good idea?” Sam asked in a hushed whisper.

“It’s the only one I got, Sam.”

“Are you going to let him come on the mission?” Steve made a face as he clenched his jaw. “I mean, Tony has a point. If he knows something, I think we should try to figure out what it is.”

“We can’t ask him to do that, Sam. You know we can’t.”

“I’m not saying that we should, but if you bring him on this mission and he remembers something in the heat of the moment?” Sam turned his body to fully face Steve, “What are we going to do then?” Sam brought up a valid point, but Steve knew he wouldn’t be able to stop Bucky from coming on the mission.

“Like I said, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

********************************

It was somewhat therapeutic for Bucky to be sharpening his knives. He sat quietly on one of the overstuffed couches in the compound’s common area. A wide array of matte black knives was laid out on the coffee table in front of him. He held one in his hand, raking it against a damp stone to create a slick silver edge on the blade. His solitude didn’t last long, not that he expected it to, especially here in the compound.

“Hi, I don’t think we’ve ever formally met. I’m Wanda.” She stuck her hand out for Bucky to shake which he did, with great caution. There is no telling what this woman is capable of. I don’t need to get too comfortable with her.

“Bucky.” He kept his replies short, in the hopes of deterring her from wanting to interact with him. He knows that is exactly what Steve and his therapist in Wakanda told him to stop doing, but that’s irrelevant.

“I know what Tony was suggesting for us to do isn’t ideal, Bucky.” Bucky shuddered unintentionally, his fear rolling off of him in waves. “I just wanted to let you know, I would never do that to you. Not unless you asked me to and even then I don’t know if I would.” Bucky turned his head to face her. She seemed sincere, but then again people are always rotten on the inside.

“I promise, I won’t.”

“I’ve heard one too many promises in my day, Wanda.” He shifted back to his original task, flipping another knife into the palm of his hand and dragging it along the stone. Wanda nods and lifts herself to her feet, about to retreat to the kitchen.

“It’s the nightmares, isn’t it?” Bucky froze mid-drag, eyes boring holes into the table in front of him, not responding to Wanda. “The reason you don’t want me in your head?”

“What do you know of nightmares, witch?” Bucky sneered defensively.

“You would be surprised what I know of nightmares, Bucky.” She approached the back of the couch, curling her hands around the plush fabric. “My brother, Pietro, and I, volunteered for the experiments with HYDRA.” Bucky whipped his head around to face her, immediately registering her on a higher threat level. She lifted her right hand and a glowing red ball danced between her fingers as dynamic vines licked up her palm.

“We thought that they were there to help after everything that we went through in Sokovia.” Her accent thickened with each word, “After Stark’s bomb didn’t go off, we thought it meant we were destined to take him down. So we went to the closest freedom fighter group we could find.”

Bucky watched as she dropped her hand, the red energy dissipating immediately. “We weren’t the only ones, though. There were hundreds of us. Pietro and I just so happened to be the ones that were able to withstand what they put us through.” Their eyes met, gaze holding as she continued speaking. “Then, I watched their future. And in their ideal future, we weren’t there. None of us. No Avengers or enhanced people. No humans whatsoever.” She swallowed thickly, “That’s when we knew they lied. We had suspicions earlier, but we just did what we were told so we could get what we wanted.”

“What exactly did you want?”

“We wanted Stark dead.” She held Bucky’s eyeline. “But now, my brother is dead. And all I want is to see HYDRA's downfall at my hands.” She glanced back down at her hands, “What Tony wanted me to do,” hesitating as she continued, “I know he just wants me to go through your memories and pick out the ones specific to Agent Libra, but that’s not how it works.” Bucky looked at her and then leaned back into the couch cushions, gesturing for her to continue. “The way that I would go about that would be to have you experience the whole thing over again.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean,” Wanda sucked in a deep breath, “It’s like a lucid dream. Your body would be moving and you wouldn’t be in control of it. Any action that you did at that particular moment in history would be reenacted exactly as it occurred.”

“So, if I were to do this, it would be like I was the Soldier again?”

“If that’s what it felt like, then yes.” A shiver ran up Bucky’s spine, he definitely didn’t want that. “I just wanted you to know what you would be getting yourself into if you did decide to allow me access to your memories.” A stiff nod was all she received in return.

He knows she’s just trying to be nice but he can’t help but want to run away and hide in a dark room. Bucky has been through so much because of that freedom fighter organization, he couldn’t fathom people actually volunteering their bodies for their twisted scientific experiments.

“Thanks for letting me know, Ms. Maximoff.” Even though Bucky wanted nothing to do with this woman next to him, his mother still raised him to be respectful of everyone.

“Oh, you can call me Wanda.” She smiled as she began her approach to the kitchen yet again. One thing was still nagging Bucky and he had to know the answer.

“Hey, quick question Wanda.” She stopped and turned to face him, sending a small hum in question towards him. “Are you a witch?”

Her head tilted thoughtfully, “Yes, I am.” She left it at that, leaving Bucky with wide eyes and a mouth that was hanging open. Goddamn it, I fucking hate it when Sam is right.

*****************************

watch your six tag list

@indigo123789 @austynparksandpizza 

[graceful-not]

Alright.. this is kind of a brain dump, really. Just some things I've been letting boil in my brain for a bit... This might be kinda long though, so I'll be putting it under a read more.

SBSBBSBS NOTE: THIS ISNT LIKE SOME VENT OR ANYTHING ITS about the officialverse/general writing shit and like. Me analyzing stuff. Bc. I want to. The topics gonna jump a lot.

Oh edit btw forgot to mention; it's perfectly fine to RB!! I encourage it I love seeing y'all's thoughts on my stuff. Please argue with me (in a safe and loving way)

Idk... It's just. The whole point of a RP is that it's a multiple person experience, yeah, but there are parts of a character that people have made that need to see light. I generally make support characters so everyone else can go buckwild and have fun (being the healer in RPGs, etc etc etc), and that doesn't just carry over to stats. If you look at Lyra, she's a genuinely interesting person with a rich past, and she FEELS real! Why is that? Because, well.. she doesn't infodump about her life to every person she meets- I can't really speak because the way I make characters is that I start with what they look like and a general base personality/backstory, plus things their good at, make the rest up as I rp (plus revise old stuff). She wasn't always a licensed therapist, I just looked at how everyone else was going and molded her character to fit the current group while she was still new and impressionable- she filled the roles that were lacking. When there's an excess angst, you need a person for your character to spill their traumatic past to. Shes that person, and it helps for her to be professionally qualified to do it, so it's never out of character.

But.. the group has changed. A lot. And I've rped things in the past that make ZERO sense for her character. (She was low-key manipulative at some points-) and with the whole The Haze(period of time in which no one was rping and online for like. A WHIILE.) Everyone's characters have changed and.. she can't really keep up with the status quo. All this stuff changing and moving and shifting- I mean she's trying to be supportive but I can't even really let her have a proper mental breakdown so she can grow because the narrative is dealing with way more important things!!!! There's no time! People might die!!

..

I guess, pulling back into what I was talking about earlier with the infodumping.. RP is supposed to be fun, absolutely correct!! Don't be perfect. Do fuck all. Screw around!!!! But.. it has to be fun for everyone, you know? There's like. The general rp rules, (don't kill another person's character without consent, don't be an asshole or no one will reply to ur rp threads,) etc etc but.. an important one is to just.

Give breathing room.

Let the characters breathe. In between arcs, allow time for fluff or recovery yeah, but also make sure that.. you don't pile things on. You risk pushing people out of the narrative when you put extra things in. For example, Vina, Ellie, Wasabi and Lyra totally just got overshadowed, which makes sense because flower was having a HER moment!! Lots of exiting plot is happening for her and I'm proud! Except then there's all the M!As and then brainwashing anon who may or may not tie into the previous stuff, and then ALSO e!lavender and now their in a forest? Which makes sense for flower I guess but how the fuck did vina get there? Inviz?

I guess just. Don't pile on problem after problem or idea after idea before you solve one. Sub plots are needed, yes, but sub plots should either be there for breathing room or to further the greater narrative, which is currently like. Whatever the fuck happened during The Haze, what the fucks up with this corporation,etc etc. current subplots that further that would be like BW(brainwashing) anon, Flowers whole metal thing, etc etc.

There's obviously going to be personal plots!! Plots that your character is working on within them. Lyra worrying and sorta having a crisis about all the shit happening, Wasabi's recovery, Inviz trying to find out what the fuck happened with his anon blaster. Those are all things that only a select few people really interfere with, and theyre instead explained through thoughts and narration.

Also: UTILIZE NARRATION PLEAAASSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I love you all but DIALOGUE IS NOT THE ONLY WAY TO SHOW EMOTION your repressed character dealing with extreme trauma isn't gonna go

"Oh im just here because I'm new and my parents abandoned me here because they knew the chief and were about to die, the wings are from my mom who is an angel."

"oh yea where's the bathroom btw" PLEAASE let your characters SHOW their internal dialogue, like maybe

"OH- sorry, still getting used to this where's the bathroom?"

What she didn't want to say was that it was actually her first day. She attempted to hide her wings by folding them into her back. She didnt want any questions about it, even if she would like to talk about it to someone..

That gives the other person space to let their character decide if they notice the other person looking a bit distressed, and for both of you to sort of get to know how each others characters interact BEFORE jumping into the heavy plot. Give it time!

Alright bye love y'all ❤️

[dyketubbo]

okay so. some thoughts on recent lore. disorganized bc my thoughts are disorganized but i want to think about this as rawly as i can rn (all /rp of course) this is very niki and wilbur (mostly niki) centric because i'm sorting my thoughts about techno still and i'm taking tubbo's stream in bits and pieces (i'll catch up on others later)

niki is exaggerating about how terrible wilbur is because she's spiraling and hurting. fans should not take her word as gospel, yes, but she does have points in some things and the fact that wilbur and others have impacted her this badly should be noticed by the fandom as a sign that niki needs *help*.

its okay to want to defend that wilbur was not always a terrible person especially because of how horribly his mental health is treated by the fandom, but please remember to still emphasize that niki is saying this because she herself is mentally ill and traumatized. niki is processing wilbur as a terrible person because not only does she not have his full story, but also because she's undeniably been hurt by him and his revival came at a time where she was recently recovering from misdirected aggression towards others (tommy) and herself.

it's hard to take it all in and it's scary to think about whether or not the characters recent thoughts on wilbur signifies a villanization of him by the writers and narrative, signifies a villanization of mental illness. but these are the same writers who wrote a realistic depiction of abuse, cc!tommy is actively involved in the story and we all know how well he's handled his character's shaky mental health. cc!ranboo is actively directing his story in a direction that disproves the idea that his dissociating and memory loss mean that he's a bad person. cc!wilbur has confirmed bits and pieces of outside things that signify that his character is not a bad person, but is unstable and has hurt others for misguided reasons.

it's understandable to want it all to go quickly already, to want an obvious sign of redemption and a happy ending, but a lot of bad things are happening because unfortunately, recovery is rocky as fuck and sometimes what happens is that triggering things and people are reintroduced into your life and you can't process it correctly. it's hard to see people who have hurt you as good people or people with virtues when you're still going through the effects of the trauma they have inflicted on you. niki was healing and then had to deal with a secondhand announcement about wilbur *not even directed towards or for her* being back when she only recently got done with not blaming tommy for it, now all she has to blame is wilbur and it's understandable that she's blaming it all on him. niki needs someone to help her and talk to her, and she's not going to recover or heal by hurting wilbur, she's not.

yes these characters need therapy, but there's only one therapist and she's going through her own emotional turmoils internally. it's implied that she is genuinely helping tommy and that's good, but it does mean that a lot of these characters are going to be processing on their own, and that's a raw and rocky experience. put some trust in the writers, there's a lot of things not communicated between them, but there's a lot that *is* communicated that we can't see. not to mention that they can see what we're saying, they know there's people who are rooting for their characters to heal. these people are very well versed in tricking us and leading us on red herrings, dream smp is a work in progress that's still developing. they know what direction they want to take this whole story. this is the same story that had a suicidal character save himself and assign his own self worth, who took steps towards therapy and healing and is still in the process of healing and understanding what happened and what is happening to and around him. they can write a redemption arc for wilbur, it'll just take a while.

of course there's going to be a lot of tragedy (l'manburg will never come back, there's a strong possibility that once they sort out what to do about dream ghostbur will move onto a proper afterlife in peace, there will be loose ends never tied up and secrets kept that won't be talked about in canon) because that's how life is. but i don't think it's going to end like a tragedy. these characters have a lot to deal with, and it's unfortunate that wilbur is at or near the center of many characters' troubles, but i trust that they won't suffer forever. niki's stream was scripted, the writers know what she's saying and niki chose the music she did on purpose, many of the people prominent in this main storyline are close friends with niki and it's very clear that they don't want her to fall behind. she's going to heal, we just have to keep in mind that she just got a huge setback in recovery and that it's okay if she takes a while to reconcile all of her thoughts.

niki buried the diamonds instead of getting rid of them forever. she's not burning her bridges completely, she's just trying to figure out if she wants to keep crossing them. eret's still clearly a good person with people who have forgiven him and care about xem, they make mistakes and have people who don't and may never forgive her. but we all know that even if the hurt she spread was big and still impactful, that the narrative treats them well. there's hope for wilbur, i promise. the story knows he wasn't always a big manipulative asshole, it's just going to take some time for the characters who've been traumatized by his actions to know that too

[astroninaaa]

not the og anon, but for c!puffy not being great: my main point is tbe Eggpire. not only for one was she once PART of them and also possessed (which apparently actual cc puffy also forgot about??) so she should understand them better than most, but she in general shows them very little empathy about their situation.

one of the big things abt the egg is that it draws in ppl by utilizing their weaknesses. bad is only there for skeppy, skeppy is there after sacrificing himself to save bad, ant was promised his dead bf’s revival, Ponk was driven to join from heartbreak from Sam, etc. puffy however never sees the eggpire members for what they are— victims. she based them solely off of her perception without seeking any other sources, solutions, or outside influences. while she may have entered the server with the idea of spreading good and defeating the bad, she’s entirely too quick and hasty to deem what’s bad and good and refuses to look outside those bounds. she has a firm moral line of her own creation and if you fall on the wrong side of it she gives you no sympathy

(like, I remember someone talking about how she’d likely be a god awful therapist for jack bc of how he reacts with hatred and anger and violence. she’s biased enough to see “man tries to assassinate another person with a nuke” and think he’s in the wrong for it (especially with how much she likes c!tommy) thus ignoring what LED him to that point and how to deal with that, possibly even shaming him for how he acted to begin with. all hypothetical of course, but it feels realistic to me)

there was a moment I remember, set before the eggpire where bbh and puffy were trying to find a way to cure red skeppy. Bbh is clearly upset about this and puffy just suggests, hey, what if we kill him? which then upsets bad further and he shuts down the idea bc he doesn’t want to hurt skeppy at all. she then seemingly decides that bc he’s unwilling to try, he’s not open to trying to find a solution bc they’re out of ideas. she gives up on him entirely, and without any hope of curing skeppy bad gives up and decides being with the egg (and thus skeppy) is better than being without him. it was failing to cure skeppy that led to the entire eggpire, which was in part bc puffy deemed it all pointless and that they didn’t want help. in general, she tends to blame ppl who she deems as “bad” for their own situation, regardless of if it’s true or not something they can control.

tldr; puffy thinks she’s all good and thus anyone against her/her morals is the bad and she refuses to give them sympathy or consider their position, making her much less good than she appears/thinks she is

this is actually very very interesting analysis. as i've said before i haven't really watched much of c!puffy bc of timezones and not having that much time to watch vods, but i had never seen someone point out this stuff before. thank you for giving me this analysis, it was a very good read :]

send me a hot take!!!