#napoleon did that tumblr

[flowwochair]

aiaiaiai im your little butterfly

[kira-does-art-sometimes]

So for a history project I had to make an intentionally biased anti-Napoleon newspaper with a group. And I made this propaganda comic.

@whump-queen @whump-in-the-closet @shydragonrider @imnotamurdereripromise @eric-the-bmo

[frodolives]

1850s Tumblr Dashboard Simulator

👸🏻 girlbossladyjane Follow

It really makes me sick to see people giving money to penny weeklies when Franklin's expedition STILL has not been found 😭 There are good men out there trapped in unimaginable temperatures and literally all that's needed is a little more funding for another rescue mission yet all you guys seem to care about are your vulgar little stories...

🧔🏻‍♂️ queerqueg Follow

the franklin expedition is dead as hell

👸🏻 girlbossladyjane Follow

Disgraceful thing to say but I'd expect nothing more from a M*lville fan

10,558 notes

👨🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻 hartgrindisreal

Sorry for posting so much about Tom Gradgrind/James Harthouse from Hard Times lately. It turns out that I was getting arsenic poisoning from my wallpaper? Anyway I took a seaside stroll and I'm normal now. Check your walls y'all

#whyyy did i assume they were committing unlawful actions together like where did i even get that from lol #hard times isn't even that good by dickens standards tbh

659 notes

🎨 asherbrowndurand

Just painted this

2 notes

ss-arctic-girlie-deactivated18540927

RIP Napoleon... you may have been unable to conquer Alexander's Russia but you sure as hell conquered Alexander's bed

🖼️ preraphaelitebro Follow

HERITAGE POST

📝 shakespearesforehead Follow

How does this have less than 100k notes you could literally not avoid this post back in the 20s lol

82,170 notes

🌄 loyalromantic Follow

poets just aren't dying young in mysterious water-related incidents like they used to :/

#as useless and degenerative as i find 'the living poets' and i'm glad we're finally moving on from them #i have to agree with op in this respect

6,884 notes

🎀 thefopdiaries Follow

I finally got a daguerreotype of myself ^_^ Porcelain urn for scaling

📜 bartlebi-thescrivener

i think i hauve consumption

112 notes

🐋 whaler4life

They found oil in the ground??? WTF. THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORSTTTT. FUCK MY LIFE FOR REAL THIS TIME

11 notes

🌿 naturesnaturalist Follow

I swear this website has 0 reading comprehension skills. Darwin NEVER claimed we "evolved" from apes like if one of you guys actually bothered to open his new book you'll see all his arguments are backed up by evidence. He actually makes a lot of sense

#sure there's nuance like i don't fully agree with all of it #but his general theory of natural selection seems pretty sound imo

56 notes

🤵🏻‍♂️ byronicherotournament Follow

🙈 butchbronte Follow

Of course these are the finalists lmao this website is so predictable. Anyway vote Heathcliff if you dont i'm going to assume you're a phrenologist

📖 sapphichelenburns Follow

It's not problematic to acknowledge the fact that Heathcliff was a brute like he literally killed dogs in case you forgot. #rochestersweep

🙈 butchbronte Follow

I love the implication here that Rochester never did anything cruel either. He literally locked his wife in the attic and lied to Jane about it 😭 like that was a pretty significant thing that happened

📖 sapphichelenburns Follow

And? God forbid women do anything

#why'd you have to pit two bad bitches against each other #anyway i'm not attracted to men but still went with rochester #bc in terms of living quarters thornfield hall > wuthering heights easily

8,027 notes

👨🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻 hartgrindisreal

Not the Russian tsar dying immediately after hartgrind became canon

#i know dickens hasn't technically confirmed it yet but like. SOMETHING was strongly implied ok #see: my previous post #dickensposting

522 notes

👨🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻 hartgrindisreal

LORD HELP ME. THE BODY LANGUAGE. THE WAY THEY'RE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. AHHHHHH

#this installment!!! im-- #dickensposting #i can't fucking cope #dickens wants to KILL us he wants us DEAD....

2,309 notes

⭐️ newamerican

Hi guys sorry I haven't been posting lately it's been so difficult getting to California 💀 I'm finally here now though just need to find a pickaxe and soon I'll be digging! :-) wish me luck lol

#gold #gold rush #gold rush grind #california #adventure

0 notes

[napoleonic-sexyman-tournament]

(correction: title should also say vs. Karl Wilhelm von Toll. But funny mistake given the standings at the moment I'm writing this)

Thomas-Alexandre Dumas

“mustache”

“Tall! Daring! Swashbuckling! A devoted husband and father! Had a personal conflict with Napoleon! Also it was said he could, while holding onto a bar above his head, LIFT A HORSE WITH HIS THIGHS. How is he not on this list ten times already! Vote for General Dumas!”

“He was so hot that he inspired The Three Musketeers, The Count of Monte Cristo, and many more books that his son, Alexandre Dumas, wrote. He definitely looked the part of a sexyman, as he son recounts in his memoirs: "My father, as already stated, was twenty-four, and as handsome a young fellow as could be found anywhere. His complexion was dark, his eyes of a rich chestnut colour [...]. His teeth were white, his lips mobile, his neck well set on his powerful shoulders, and, in spite of his height of five feet nine inches, he had the hands and feet of a woman. These feet were the envy of his mistresses, whose shoes he was very rarely able to put on." He could crush you between his thighs: "His free colonial life had developed his strength and prowess to an extraordinary degree; he was a veritable American horse-lad, a cowboy. His skill with gun or pistol was the envy of St. Georges and Junot. And his muscular strength became a proverb in the army. More than once he amused himself in the riding-school by passing under a beam, and lifting his horse between his legs." He was so badass he could beat 13 men with 4 and take all the enemy prisoner, and defend against hundreds of men on a bridge by himself. He performed these acts of valour numerous times in Italy. He was so formidable that the Austrians named him the "Schwartz Teufel", or the Black Devil, and his feat at the bridge earned him the moniker of "Horatius Cocles of Tyrol". He wasn't afraid to stand up to his morals and protest against unfair treatment. When unjust executions by the guillotine were happening outside his quarters, he closed the blinds of his curtains, earning him the nickname "Mr. Humanity". When in the Vendée, he complained about the wanton indiscipline in his troops. When in Italy, Berthier wrongly reported his actions as one of "observation" in St. Antonio. Dumas wrote to General Bonaparte that if Berthier was in the same position, he would have shit his pants. Dumas abhorred plunder, never exhorted the locals, and ordered the Directory agent who had come to persuade him otherwise be shot if he dared present himself to Dumas again. Integrity and a sense of moral justice is sexy, mark my words. For Dumas' final qualifier as a sexyman, look no further than this Tumblr heritage post (https://www.tumblr.com/petermorwood/133803437020/hortensevanuppity-elodieunderglass), with 300,000 notes and counting. And I quote: "- daddy general dumas was an immense fierce french warrior who was a 6 foot plus, stunningly gorgeous and charismatic Black gentleman - he invaded egypt - the native egyptians said “is this napoleon? this must be napoleon. we for one welcome our majestic new overlord” - then napoleon showed up - napoleon has all the presence of yesterday’s plain Tesco hummus - the native egyptians were like “… no… no, we’ve thought very hard and we’ll have General Dumas actually” - this did not make napoleon happy - in fact it made him jealous - napoleon felt so emasculated that he launched a campaign of revenge against General Dumas, including taking away his pension, that probably inspired a lot of Alexandre’s rather satisfying scenes in which fathers are nobly avenged and the money-grubbing villains are rubbed in the mud" I rest my case. Tl;dr: He was so hot he inspired multiple books, he was a stronk man who could crush you between his thighs or carry you like a sack of potatoes, and he was so badass that he could take on odds of 1 to 3. He had a foul mouth but a heart of gold and his actions were never self-serving. Posts relating to him on Tumblr have had 300,000 notes and counting. He is qualitatively and quantitatively qualified to be a sexyman.”

Karl Wilhelm von Toll

"smart military organisation thinking”

[auguste-marmonts-only-fan]

Hello hello!!

This is my first ever post on tumblr, I just wanted to share some caricatures of Ridley Scott's "Napoleon" I did for my school newspaper

Translation: "Go fight those Brits, or don't..... I really don't care"

Translation: "Why am I so successful?"

Translation: " I love my wife"

Thanks for looking at my post and I hope you have a wonderful day 💖

[nesiacha]

Some Common Misconceptions about 9 Thermidor :

9 Thermidor was orchestrated by the extreme left: This is not entirely true. Apart from Billaud-Varenne and Collot d'Herbois, most of the key figures of the extreme left in 1794 were either imprisoned—such as Pauline Léon, Claire Lacombe, Théophile Leclerc, Jean-François Varlet, etc.—or executed, like Jacques René Hébert, Pierre Gaspard Chaumette, Ronsin Charles-Philippe, Antoine-François Momoro, and Jacques Roux (who committed suicide due to illegal persecution by the CSP). Additionally, Hanriot, one of Robespierre's supporters who was executed alongside him, was considered a Hébertist even though he was spared during the wave of arrests targeting Hébertists.

9 Thermidor marked the end of political executions and heralded greater mercy: This is false, contrary to popular portrayals in cinema. One only needs to look at the execution of the so-called "Crêtois," the fate of deputies like Charles Gilbert Romme ,Goujon, the suppression of the 1st Prairial uprising in Year III, the White Terror, and the execution of the Babouvists,etc...

9 Thermidor was the end of the social revolution: False. Thermidor was just an episode in the ongoing internal struggles of the left. One could trace this back to the arrest of the Enragés, the mock trials of the Hébertists and Dantonists, leading up to 9 Thermidor. The final blow to the social revolution, in my view, was the suppression of the 1st Prairial uprising in Year III and the end of the "Crêtois." Others might argue that it was actually Napoleon who ended the French Revolution.

9 Thermidor was a day of liberation for women: False. This is a particularly egregious misconception that I have heard often, (not on Tumblr but in pseudo-historical programs). The Revolution did not end its misogynistic tendencies just because of the fashion trends started by the "Merveilleuses." Revolutionary women remained under arrest after 9 Thermidor. In May 1795, the Assembly decreed that women could no longer attend its sessions and forcibly removed the womens ( called Tricoteuse for better insult them) with whips. Essentially, the men of the French Revolution initially offered women only crumbs (if you will allow the expression) of rights, which they gradually took away. With Napoleon ending the French Revolution, women's conditions worsened compared to those in Spain, Italy, or Portugal. The excuse that the era was inherently sexist doesn't hold up: contemporaries like Guyomar, Charlier, Condorcet, and Charles Gilbert Romme advocated for more women's rights, as did Marat.

Another point who is my interpretation : Even if the Robespierre brothers, Saint-Just, Le Bas, and Couthon had not been released immediately (and thus not declared outlaws) and had been put on trial instead, they would still have been executed. Let us not forget that an empty or debatable case file did not prevent certain factions from being sent to the guillotine, such as the extreme left elements mentioned earlier, the Dantonists, and others. (I'm not saying that the French revolutionaries were bloodthirsty, by the way, which is another black legend to combat, and you all know my stance on this from my various posts. I'm just pointing out that even a lack of clear grounds for arrest would not, in my opinion, have stopped them from being sent to the guillotine.)

[sgiandubh]

What about Grandma then? In recent days, that Barbour issue has been discussed in several corners of this fandon, as you said. Well, the day before yesterday Garance was posting stories showing off his Barbour coats...Obviously those two also follow the topics discussed on Tumblr. 🤷‍♀️

Dear Garance Anon,

You will have to forgive me for the very, very late answer. I wanted to give it my full, undivided attention, because I believe we never spoke seriously about Mrs. Mariline Fiori, aka Garance Doré.

The short answer to your comment is 'oh, but we know they do, as we know they are not the only ones'. Unlike S&C, though, the McGrandmas might see us as a free, useful toolbox of sorts, where readily available ideas congregate. Remember they have deliberately calibrated their public couple personas on exactly what SC are unable and/or unwilling to give/show this fandom. To some extent, it works and, as any good Frenchwoman, Garance understood she was savvy to play the atout charme joker card. Which is exactly what she does - also, being French, she knows exactly what type of European public is instantly attracted to the Barbour reference: a public whose wallets she needs.

But as I just said, your post made me think about Mrs. Doré. Who is she, really? So, sorry, Anon, if I use you as a springboard for my musings.

She was, as I said, born Mariline Fiori, on May 1st (same day as JAMMF, LOL) 1977, in Ajaccio, Corsica's main town and birthplace of Napoleon Bonaparte. Not a Corsican, though (same as Napoleon, LOL): Italian father, French/Algerian mom. People who left Algeria when it became independent, after the Evian Peace Accords, and whom the metropolitan French still call, to these day, 'pieds-noirs' (literally and quite derogatorily, 'black feet'). Her family's social status is, however, a bit unclear, as Mrs. Fiori successively played with her personal story in interviews, in what the French also sarcastically call 'des petits arrangements avec la vérité'/ a bit of tinkering with the truth.

In this 2019 interview to Elle UK, for example, her parents are described as owning a restaurant in Corsica (https://www.elle.com/uk/life-and-culture/a29758314/garance-dore-original-influencer/):

But in another 2013 interview to The Talks, her mother was a shrink (https://the-talks.com/interview/garance-dore/):

Also, for the sake of clarity:

Oh, well: different country, different crowd/market, different agenda and perhaps older and wiser when talking to Elle UK, you would think?

Not necessarily and still a divisive figure for the international press/blogosphere. People did not appreciate her frequent flying and luxury travels during COVID, for example, along with her 'white, bourgeois woman entitlement'. Both in New Zealand...

(Source: https://www.ensemblemagazine.co.nz/articles/garance-dore-new-zealand - I think you should read the entire article, as it is absolutely enlightening, also something I wouldn't go polemic about, you make up your own mind, really).

...and in France, where they apparently are not very fond of her 'cult of personality' approach to social media, to say the least:

(Source: https://www.madmoizelle.com/a-t-on-vraiment-besoin-de-preter-attention-aux-conseils-antivax-des-influenceuses-1145916 Non Francophones could use Google Translate, but considerably lose in doing so the ferocity of the writing - but then, again, the French press is particularly sarcastic & ferocious, when set against someone or something. I love them to bits.)

The translation is clear, and I deliberately did not insist on the political stance of the article, whose title gives a straightforward idea: 'Do we really have to pay attention to the influencers' antivax advice?':

'This influencer cannot singlehandedly convert a part of her fans to antivaxing, via Instagram, but this comforts those who already thought so and keeps them even more hooked. This is because Instagram is a social media whose model heavily relies on shared affinities, meaning that it congregates likeminded people and creates bubble phenomena, of which GD is a good example.

GD, who built an empire around her handle which she turned into a brand and transformed her own lifestyle into her best product might very well turn her cult of personality into an economic model. Many celebrities already do so and are perfectly entitled to. But in her case, we are not talking about sending a birthday personalized cameo, we are talking about dispensing health advice during a pandemic.'

Truly, Ha-wa-wee 2.0 sounds like kindergarten compared to the above and never made it so far and wide in the international press. But hey, don't we know, double standard is the law of this land.

But to cut the story short, because it's 5 AM in here and we'd be talking about Mrs. McGrandma until tomorrow evening, do we really imagine someone so well versed in the ways and means of social media not following Tumblr?

Yeah, thought so, too.

[neylo]

Becoming Marshal of France - Part one: The annoying but necessary shit

@cadmusfly is a bad influence and a terrible temptation. I want you to know that you have succeeded.

Since I was a kid, I loved the feathered hats, the colourful shiny uniforms and the overall vibe of the 18th and the beginning of the 19th century. Apparently, it wasn't a phase.

I am a cosplayer and I love myself a good challenge. And now here it is. I am to make the ultimate entry for the Napoleonic fandom of Tumblr and make my own marshal uniform. I cordially invite you all to join my journey and perhaps, get inspired!

Let's start with the tunic.

Disclaimer: Reenactors, chill, I am not a millionaire - I can't, unfortunately, afford the expensive replicas of the buttons etc. I do not intend to participate in any kind of reenactment activity, and therefore I can't promise 100% historical accuracy. I would love to. But right now I can't.

Note: I use the metric system. It is nice, it is logical, and you should implement that too, Americans!

Before you start:

Step one: find the appropriate fabrics. Are you looking for dark blue? Great start. Now, it's time for some research. Napoleon's Marshals book by Osprey Publishing has done a great job describing the details. You can basically choose your own preferred material: Silk, velvet or linen. Congrats! For a whole-ass marshal tunic, you will need 2-3 metres of fabric depending on your size.

You will also need lining. I recommend linen lining and viscose lining for the sleeves.

Step two: Assess your insanity. There are multiple uniform patterns, each for a different occasion (source):

If you have three years of free time and unlimited supplies of goldwork threads, you can do the grande tenue - the first picture. I would advise you not to. But if you want, there is actually an extant one you can draw your inspiration from. It belonged to Ney. If you are going for this, you will indeed be the bravest of the brave.

Petite tenue is more subtle with less embroidery. Still, difficult as hell.

Tenue de campagne is the one I am going for. I don't like commitments. You will only need to embroider the collar and the cuffs + some stuff on the back. That is doable. That is what I am doing.

Step three: The pattern. The thing is, the patterns of the era were almost the same. I simply butchered my civilian coat pattern and changed it for a single-breasted one with a standing collar. Do you want help? I will share the pattern with you.

This is how my thing looks at the moment.

Step four: Embroidery. What is this shiny thing on the Marshals' uniforms? This is a kind of embroidery called "goldwork" and you need special metallic threads for it. They are not exactly easy to find, but Etsy is your friend. There are multiple US shops, and there is also EmbroideryMaterial shipping worldwide from India. They have a great selection and very agreeable prices.

For the Marshal tunic you shall need two kinds of threads:

The French wire (lol, it is really called like that!)

The Japanese thread (a thread wrapped in a thin gold plate)

You will also need small gold sequins.

I will show you the embroidery progress when my threads arrive. Before that happens, we need to design the embroidery. No worries, someone did it for you. That someone was actually me:

That's it for today.

Stay tuned for more posts.

[glubby-guppiez]

*Random TMNT 2012 (mainly side characters) hc's bcuz hyperfixation

*(this is the best divider to ever exist btw)

*Warnings: Spoilers for TMNT 2012 ofc, mentions of gender dysphoria and trans related insecurity, transphobia, accidental arson, bullying, manipulation, ptsd, also the tone of the headcanons shift randomly also also typing quirk

*Chris Bradford is trans. )(e did a full transition, he did hormones, voice training, top and bottom surgery, a few different surgeries to make him look/feel more masculine, all the bells and whistles, even went the extra mile to do procedures to hide his surgery scars. )(e's closeted and does about everything in his power to make sure no one even question that he was assigned female at birth because he's scared of his social image of being the great macho man, Chris Bradford, crumbling.

*Leo mainly or solely uses fandom and fanfic socials like Wattpad, AO3, Amino, Tumblr, and maybe Twitter. She mainly interacts with Space )(eroes and Crognard The Barbarian fan posts and shows a special interest in gender swap aus.

*Later on, post show with Muckman's help the mutants are actually able to freely walk around humans without them completely flipping out and starting a mob to witch hunt after them.

*Speaking of walking around humans, Napoleon and the frogs down in Louisiana are considered local urban legend and humans get really excited when they spot the frogs in the woods.

*Dr. Rockwell is a very big coffee enjoyer and used to secretly steal coffee from the nearby shops around the mighty mutanimals hideout and on the rare occasion when someone caught him and called him out he would always use the excuse of the shops being owned by big corporations.

*Don Visioso is a deadbeat father of 5. )(e also has had multiple wives and many divorces.

*Mondo Gecko will call people posers if he's jealous enough of them.

*Ivan Steranko is also trans but has only had hrt and face masculinizing surgery and refuses to get top and bottom surgery.

*Anton Zeck is incredibly smart and performed extremely well in high school and even got free scholarships for how well he did.

*Shinigami is a big video game nerd and will geek out if anyone mentions one of the games she plays.

*The reason Anton hated the mutant name Mikey gave him at first is because it either sounds a lot like or straight up is a nickname old bullies of him gave in order to make fun of him.

*Premutation, Chris acts transphobic towards Xever (despite Xever being cis) out of jealousy and insecurity.

*Baxter Stockman is either a gay aroace trans mspec nonbinary man or a cishet ally. No in-between.

*Mini April cluster!!!:

*April has a deep love for literature and writes poetry in her spare time.

*She almost burned down the culinary class in her school once.

*She's questioning aroace.

*She felt extra empathy for Muckman because he reminded her of Kirby a little bit.

*She likes to hide stickers around the lair whenever has them on her person.

*She thoroughly enjoys having long conversations with each of the individual turtles. (It's her favorite way to spend time with anyone tbh)

*April does eventually take some time to properly learn Japanese and becomes pretty decent at speaking and reading it.

*)(er and Donnie often like to geek out together whenever they find anything new about aliens (both species they haven't seen yet and ones they know well like the kraang).

*End of the mini April cluster!!!

*Kirby O'Neil is a pretty decent cook. That man can make a mean chicken stew.

*Shinigami actually owns multiple cats. 2 ragdoll, 1 sphinx, 1 Persian, and 3 British shorthairs (I could name them all, but I don't wanna). Also, the majority of them are black cats. She feeds strays, too.

*The last headcanon is much to Karai's dismay because she is somewhat allergic. She gets headaches, her skin gets slightly irritated and she gets the sniffles if she's around cats for too long.

*Casey's younger sister wants to be a hair stylist when she grows up, so Jones let's her do his hair every once in a while and he flexes it to every one at the lair like: "Oh? My hair? Yeah, my sister did it for me. Pretty metal, what she did with it, right?"

*Tigerclaw is the only Foot Clan member to not bully Baxter Stockman.

*Someone manipulated and lied to Alopex in order to make her hate and hunt down her brother.

*After season 4, Baxter Stockman leaves New York and takes over Stockman Industries. (If you're unaware of what that is, it's on billboards that the turtles pass throughout the show the most notable appearance being in the ending scene of the final season 4 episode, 'Owari'.)

*Slash deep down still misses The Newtralizer.

*Leatherhead kind of freaks out (apologies for the bad wording) when someone fully wraps their arms around his neck when hugging him because it reminds him of the restraints the Kraang put him in.

*Pigeon Pete learns how to bake so he can make his own bread.

*The turtles get a Wii (or whatever the universes equivalent is).

*Mondo Gecko gets an old Xbox and plays Tony )(awk games, Bully, and Twisted Metal on it.

*Ivan and Anton actually move out to New Jersey post show.

*Alr, that's all for now, toodles!!!

[josephponiatowski]

Dzień dobry, big pepi fan here. Guess who has winter vacation? Me!

I deliver you Pepi content!

First the older sketches that I don’t really like but idk what to post so yep:

The woman in one of those old sketches is Maria Walewska btw.

And this is a quick sketch I’ve made today, I hope you enjoy :)

Messy hair & mustache Pepi best mix!

+ Napoleon quick sketch for these crazy napo fans who reacted to my earlier shitpost video (dayum like really how did it got so many attention thank you all ❤️❤️)

He has this silly goober villain energy in my opinion

That is all. Do widzenia my dearest people of tumblr. I wish you good night/good day, depends on which timezone you are.

[promises-of-paradise]

Marmont.

so uh. as a joke for my friends on discord, I wrote a short body horror story about Auguste de Marmont being extremely hairy. As it was successful, I wrote a few more. People wanted me to post it on Tumblr, so here it is.

Warnings: hairy horror, drugs, sexual implications, generally cursed stuff

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that Marmont was not a hairy yeti, I'm simply using hyperbole for a joke. I also know that the weird Marmont/Junot/Napoleon love triangle depicted in these stories is inaccurate, I just needed characters to witness Marmont's hairyness. This fic is being published with the consent of @auguste-marmonts-only-fan. No Marmonts were harmed in the making of this production. The characters and events depicted in this motion picture are entirely fictitious, any similarity to names or incidents is entirely coincidental.

Part 1:

It was a warm day in Paris, 1795, and Napoleon was out trying to seduce a milf. This meant that Junot and Marmont were left to themselves in the cramped apartment for several hours with little to do, and in the summer heat the two young men found themselves inflamed with passion. Junot sat in the bath, smoking some opium, when suddenly he was approached by Marmont. "Can I join you in there?" Junot wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Why? Can't you wait until l'm done?" "You said that last time, and the time before..." Marmont grumbled. "Junot, I haven't had a bath in months." "Ugh, fine," Junot groaned as he shuffled over to allow Marmonts large furry body to sink into the cool soapy water. Marmont sighed with relief and stretched out, and since it was shedding season, lots of little hairs detached themselves from him and floated up to the surface, along with all the dirt they had been carrying. Junot smoked more opium at an alarming rate, hoping that it would alleviate his growing discomfort. “Oh, how I wish I was bathing with Napoleon instead….” "Hmm?" Marmont grunted. "Napoleon..." junot sighed dreamily, "is gentle and soft and there's barely a hair on his body..." Marmont stared at Junot intensely, his eyes fiery under his thick black unibrow. "If I was napoleon... what would you do?" Unbeknownst to Marmont, Junot was so high that he genuinely began to believe that it was napoleon with him in the bath. "Oh Napoleon..." Junot pressed his lips to Marmonts unshaven cheek and flung his arms around marmonts hairy body. He trailed a hand along Marmonts furry chest... "Oh Napoleon, who did this to you?" Marmont grunted in response. Junot dipped his hand a little further downwards, only to find a coarse bush so large and thick that it resembled a rainforest and made any further action impossible. The water was becoming clogged with the hair Marmont was shedding. Suddenly realising his predicament, Junot got out of the bathtub and fled. At that moment, Napoleon returned to the apartment. "Junot, what's going on? Why are you naked?" "Napoleon..." Junot sobbed, "there's a bear in the bathtub..."

"Marmont..." Napoleon stared in horror at the bathtub. "Get. Out. Now!" "B-but Napoleon-" Marmont groaned, clutching the soap to his furry chest. "Get out of my bathtub now, or I'll kick you out of the apartment and never let you back in!" Filled with shame, Marmont climbed out of the bathtub and miserably trudged across the room, leaving a trail of hair and water behind him, and began to put fresh clothes on his shaggy body. "It's my shedding season..." he grumbled, but neither Napoleon nor Junot understood. Napoleon knelt by the hair-filled bathtub, grief-stricken. "Napoleon... I tried to stop him..." Junot, still naked, embraced his upset friend. Napoleon wiped a tear from his eye. "It will be alright. Marmont will pay for this... by cleaning it up." "But what about us? We can't keep living here while he's shedding, we'll suffocate on hair..." "Don't worry, Junot. We can go out in Paris tonight and find a milf who's willing to house us for a night or two." And so Napoleon and Junot left to find a wealthy widow, and Marmont was left to clean up his own hair.

Part 2:

At last the argument had been resolved, but with a condition: during the shedding season, certain restrictions were to be placed on Marmont. One of them was that he could not sleep in the bed, but on the floor. He accommodated for this by collecting the hair he shed and turning it into a makeshift mattress, which was only slightly more comfortable than the bare wooden floorboards. Junot snuggled closer to Napoleon under the clean, fresh sheets of their bed, and let out a little whimper. "Napoleone... I heard a rat!" "Are you sure?!" "Yes, something furry on the floor..." Another hairy sound reverberated through the room - "that was me" Marmont grunted as he rolled over in his nest of hair. Junot sighed with relief but remained cuddled up to napoleons bare chest. "Oh Napoleon you're so warm..." Junot gasped as he stroked his friend lovingly. "And you're cold... do you need me to warm you up?" Napoleon asked. After some time junot replied: "yes. I'm feeling particularly cold around my bussy-le-grand, if you catch my meaning-" "Ah, then I will have to make you better!" Napoleon smiled with delight. From the floor, Marmont grunted with alarm. He was too distressed to say anything coherent. He wanted to pull his hair blanket over his head, but the noise would disturb them... so Marmont lay there, wallowing in hair and misery.

Part 3:

Napoleon and Junot were going on a romantic walk in the botanical gardens, just as the sun had set and dusk descended. The plants cast long shadows across the ground, their leaves blue in the moonlight. Suddenly, they heard a rustling idea from the undergrowth. "What's that?!" Napoleon jumped in shock. "Shhh," Junot quickly placed a hand over his friends mouth, "we can't have anyone knowing we're here together!" Cautiously, the two young men made their way to the beautiful clearing among rose bushes where they usually met. Certain that they were alone, they embraced passionately. Yet somewhere in the dark shrubbery, two bloodshot eyes stared at them with intense curiosity. Coarse black hair rustled against the bushes... Napoleon and Junot both looked at where the noise was coming from, shivering from fear. "Who's there?!" A quiet grunting was heard. Junot immediately drew his pistol (which of course he carried around with him at all times) and yelled "Show yourself!" But his courage abandoned him when out from the shadows came a large, hairy creature. It was tall and slender, covered in thick dark fur so that it almost blended into the darkness. On its sneering face was a large protruding mass of fur that vaguely resembled an eyebrow. Its eyes stood out like fire. There was no mistaking it - this creature was Marmont. "I wanted to take a walk in the gardens," he grunted moodily, "freed from the constraints of clothing, so as to better enjoy the fresh night air." Napoleon and Junot both screamed and ran for their lives, tearing through the bushes and leaping over the wall of the gardens to escape. They sprinted all the way back to their apartment and burst in, panting for breath, only to see Marmonts discarded clothes on the floor.....

Part 4:

(Italian campaign, 1796) There had been a long, hard battle ending in a French victory, but not without losses. As soon as the army got back to their camp, Junot collapsed onto his narrow bed, exhausted. He promptly fell asleep, only to be woken up by a hairy hand brushing against his thigh... Junot thought that a dog had come into his tent, and hastily sat up. But before him was a presence even more unwelcome: Auguste de Marmont. "I was worried about you..." Marmont grunted, "I'm glad you're alright." "What's that supposed to mean? Of course I'm fine, I'm a good soldier," Junot retorted. Marmont stared at him bluntly. "Last battle you got injured six times." Junot was silent for a long time before saying, "Yes, I did." "Oh Andoche... my poor babygirl..." Marmont said in his deep coarse voice like a cat with a hairball in its throat, and gave his friend a kiss on the forehead. "I worry about you so much..." Junot was shocked by the sensation of Marmonts hairy face brushing against his, but not completely displeased. He too recognised how close to death he had been, and how short life was...... "Kiss me properly, Marmont-" Before either of them knew what was happening, Junot's soft lips and Marmonts dry cracked lips met. Their shirts fell to the floor.... Junot put a hand on the shaggy mass of fur that covered Marmonts chest, and thanked god it wasn't shedding season. The hairy man moaned like a broken tractor. "You should shave so that you look more like Napoleon, the pinnacle of make beauty," junot told him. "But if I shaved then I wouldn't have... this," Marmont took off his own trousers in one swift motion, revealing at last his giant bush (or shall we call it a rainforest). He grinned as he was immensely proud of the thick black mass of coarse straggly hairs that hid his loins. "No, you must shave!" Junot exclaimed in horror. "Never" At this, Junot ran out of the tent crying.

PLEASE ISTG THIS WHOLE THING IS A JOKE 😭

[whencyclopedia]

Samudragupta

Samudragupta (r. 335/350 - 370/380 CE) was the first significant ruler of the Gupta Dynasty. Having come to the throne, he decided to extend the boundaries of his empire to cover the multiple kingdoms and republics that existed outside its pale. Known as the 'Napoleon of India' for his conquests, he was also a man of many talents and laid a firm foundation for the empire. The rise of the Gupta Empire and the beginning of its prosperity are attributed to him, his military conquests and policies.

Succession

Samudragupta succeeded his father Chandragupta I (r. 319 – 335 CE). Some historians, however, state that he was preceded by Kachagupta or Kacha who was Chandragupta I's eldest son. Kacha's identity is yet to be established, as only some coins bearing the name have been found and no other evidence of his rule has been discovered so far. The fact that Chandragupta I actually nominated Samudragupta to the throne shows that he was not his eldest son. Therefore, it could be possible that the historians are justified in saying that Kacha was the eldest son who succeeded his father as according to the ancient Indian custom of male primogeniture (his father's own wishes on the matter notwithstanding). Thus, Chandragupta could only nominate his younger son based on his abilities but was not able to actually make him king.

It is not clear as to whether Samudragupta opposed him or that Kachagupta's end was natural and he was succeeded by his sibling because he had no other heir. As to why Samudragupta opposed Kachagupta, if he did so at all, no information is available. What is known is that he was ultimately able to claim the throne.

Details of Kachagupta's reign are hardly mentioned in the historical evidence existing for the Gupta period, and hence most historians place Samudragupta as the successor of Chandragupta I, stating that Kacha was none other than Samudragupta himself; “Perhaps Kacha was the original or personal name, and the appellation Samudragupta was adopted in allusion to his conquests” (Tripathi, 240). Historian R.K. Mukherjee correctly explains that the title Samudragupta “means that he was 'protected by the sea' up to which his dominion was extended” (19). Referring to Samudragupta's accession, historian H.C. Raychaudhuri says that “the prince was selected from among his sons by Chandra Gupta I as best fitted to succeed him. The new monarch may have been known also as Kacha” (447). The grounds for such an assertion is an epithet implying “uprooter of all kings” used for Kacha in his coins, which was used only for Samudragupta as no other Gupta emperor ever made such extensive conquests. Had Kacha existed before Samudragupta and made such conquests, there would have been no need for the latter to make them! Kacha would have thus been included in the official Gupta records in glorified terms as well, which is not the case. As regarding Kacha's coins, “the attribution of the coins bearing the name Kacha to Samudra Gupta may be accepted” (Raychaudhuri, 463).

Though not validated by historical sources, another theory maintains that Chandragupta I managed to override the male primogeniture law and made his favourite Samudragupta the king. Enraged at his supersession as the eldest son, Kacha never reconciled with his brother and rebelled against him for the throne but was defeated.

Continue reading...

[apurpledust]

the marshalate :falling in love: alignment meme

made by percival.lorraine ! (who accidentally deleted her tumblr 😭) they gave me permission to post this here since it'll be fun to share *u* from L to R ->

Lawful Good: Davout - The Model Husband Neutral Good: Lannes - I just don't like getting along with women, I'm not a bad man ((on a unrelated note Lannes' Chinese character name is quite fitting for him: La 拉 = to destroy; to break; to snap Na (the "es" has no character) 纳 = to receive; to accept; to pay (taxes etc) Chaotic Good: Berthier - I know you have a husband, nevertheless I still love you and I am willing to spend a lot of francs on you

Lawful Neutral: Soult - I'm talking to other women, what's wrong with that True Neutral: Saint-Cyr - I love my wife, what are you doing? Chaotic Neutral: Napoleon - sometimes will say outrageous remarks, but is correct (2nd line) Is really responsible

Lawful Evil: Bessieres - Dear, I absolutely have no mistress, he absolutely did not give his mistress a big house, I "love" you" Neutral Evil : Massena - You think I "love" you? Chaotic Evil: Murat - Which one should I "love" today?

note: sorry if there's any mistranslations and also thank you @patheticnapoleonicfanggirl0521 (tina) for helping me with some phrases!! 🫶

[napoleonic-sexyman-tournament]

Arthur Wellesley:

"So, I saw that you had no propaganda for the Iron Duke himself and thought that should be corrected, because I cannot let this man go unloved.

He is the ultimate sexyman. I don't really get that title or the requirements but I do know this man and he is the ultimate in Regency-era sexiness.

Field Marshal Sir Arthur Wellesley, First Duke of Wellington, whose full list of titles merits its own Wikipedia page, he had so many (including Prince of Waterloo of the Kingdom of the Netherlands), was so well known for his debonairness that he was often called "the Beau" or Beau Wellesley.

Our dear Duke with his eyes of "a brilliant light blue," is quite the underdog made good. The fourth son of an Anglo-Irish aristocratic family, he was a bit of a loner as a child, whose star was eclipsed by the academic success of his older and younger brothers. Yet he had a remarkable talent for the violin, which as we know from Mrs. Jefferson is quite a good quality for a man to have. As a young man he was considered extremely good humored and drew "much attention" from female society. The Napiers of Celbridge thought he was a "saucy stripling" and he was also considered quite mischievous. Yet he also had a rich inner life, reading and contemplating the great philosophers of the day.

Yes, we know about his military victories in the Peninsula (the position of Field Marshal of the British Army and the accompanying baton were created for him) and his success at Waterloo, but he was also both romantic and a ladies' man. (I could go on about the military success but that's not really what this is about, is it?)

Want the romantic side? He fell in love with Kitty Pakenham while a lowly aide-de-camp in Dublin but, with no real position or prospects, was laughed away by her brother when he sought to marry her. In a fit of pique he destroyed his violin and turned firmly toward progressing his career. Over a decade later, after he had made something of himself in India, he learned she hadn't married, supposedly because she was still pining for him. Reader, he married her, despite thinking she'd grown ugly, and got two children from her in less than two years. I'm not kidding, this man was virile. They married in April of 1806, their first son was born in February, 1807, and their second son was born in January 1808. Although he wasn't sexual faithful to her, Wellington wore an amulet she gave him for over twenty years, and was still wearing it when he sat with her on her deathbed. When she was surprised he still wore it, he told her if she'd just bothered to check in the last twenty years, she'd have found it. Despite surviving her by twenty years, the Duke never remarried.

Now, please don't think badly of him for the lack of sexual fidelity. It was the Georgian era. Sexual fidelity was not a part of marriage in high society. Men didn't sleep only with their wives and some wives could be quite happy with that (for one, it's much easier not to have one pregnancy after another when your husband is sleeping with someone else). Not that women weren't also sleeping around. Which brings me to one of Wellington's more… interesting conquests: Lady Caroline Lamb, wife of William Lamb (the future Second Viscount Melbourne and Prime Minister). Why do I know that name, you ask? The OG pixie manic dream girl, Caro's much more notably known for her affair with Lord Byron. After that particular bit of nonsense, she was in Brussels with the rest of the English aristocracy during the 100 Days/post Waterloo. She and the Duke supposedly slept together and she took his cloak away as a souvenir.

Who else did the Duke liaise with? Well, there were the usual flings with actresses and singers, such as La Grassini. As previously noted in another post on this tumblr, he was noted as a stronger, better lover than Napoleon by another of their mutual lovers. Wellington also was a client of Harriette Wilson. He visited her when she was in Paris after the Duke of Beaufort bought her off, though this was before Beaufort stopped paying her, prompting her to publish her memoirs. She canvassed her old lovers, including Wellington, to see if they'd pay her not to be in them. Wellington send her a note in return saying "Publish and be Damned." Something about his succinct dismissal of her is just so hot.

Oh, want a bit more of Wellington being a bad boy? In 1829, while Prime Minister, he got into a duel that still is commemorated almost two hundred years later. King's College, London, was set up while Wellington was also advocating for Catholic Emancipation and this led to Lord Winchilsea publicly insulting Wellington's honor to the point that the Duke (who'd never dueled before or supported dueling generally) called him out. They went to Battersea Fields and settled the matter with pistols. Wellington won and Winchelsea apologized. King's College celebrates "Duel Day" every March.

Even better, want to read about Elizabeth Bennet and the Duke being witty and falling in love? Complete with scenes of the Duke showing he knows what to do with his cannon? Then let me recommend the third variation of An Ever Fixed Mark, A Dalliance with the Duke. I dare you not to vote for him for all eternity with that portrayal in your head."

Emma, Lady Hamilton:

a. “Her boyfriend got bored with her and passed her onto his uncle. Reader, she married him, and started having threesomes with Lord Nelson. She basically bullied her way into social acceptance despite being a former courtesan. Also, she was hot as hell.”

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

omg I want to know, how were the Napoleon Queer Wars of 2014 like?? 😬

oh lord lol

It's been almost ten years and I still get weird YIKES reaction in my skin when I think about it, or when people in the current Napoleonic corner act a bit like the people from back then. Which is a me issue, and not anyone else's problem. But it is why I don't really engage with anyone from the Napoleonic side of tumblr anymore - too many bad memories and bad taste in my mouth.

Essentially, someone posted the (in)famous Cronin quote re: Napoleon telling Coulaincourt about the Feelings He Gets When Looking At Someone Handsome Friend Shaped. They speculated about queer* implications of this.

--

*necessary disclaimer about modern concepts of sexuality not being applicable to the past yadda yadda yadda. I'm using short hand here, folks. No one needs to jump down my throat.

--

A bunch of the Very Serious History Blogs(tm) came down hard on them being like "you're a fool, absolutely not, Napoleon was Straight(tm)". Someone else replied being like "Well what about That Letter from N to Josie concerning a Certain Tsar of Russia?"

I forget how That Letter was explained away, but it was.

Some name calling nonsense and really aggresive replies where bandied back and forth. People were passive aggresive and mean. People ignored each other then wrote vagueing posts about it. The usual damned foolishness you would expect.

Then someone else referenced that one book whose whole thesis is basically Napoleon was Probably Bi. The book, I will say, isn't great. I'd never recommend it. But it was floating around in the 2014/15 world of Napoleonic Tumblr.

And oh man was the person who suggested it torn to shreds. Eviscerated. It was like watching a train wreck and the by standers decided to lock the doors of the train and not let the passengers off while everything burned.

There were weird spin-off dramas from this nonsense where people got into whether or not being interested in Napoleon made you a war crime sympathizer. (Some things never change on this webbed site.) Messy, messy. Also, utterly dumb.

Anyway - it ended up weirdly boiling down to two sides: Are You A Serious Historian/Take History Seriously(tm) Therefore Anti-Napoleon Possibly Being Something Like Queer Even If Never Acted On versus People Having Fun(tm) on the Internet Who Now Have Their Backs Up and Are Responding Perhaps Unwisely.

There was a third party, which I was part of at that time** (no longer, since I left academia), which was the "We Do Real History As A Day Job, Because We Are In Academia, but Lol Like Hell Would I Think to do Serious History on the Blue Hell Site. I'm Present for Shits and Giggles and Idle Speculation and Chats. Nothing Here is Serious. Everyone Needs To Calm Down and Take Themselves Way Less Seriously." We were a small contingent, to say the least.

--

**this is not to say I didn't walk away with egg on my face. Because I did. My comportment wasn't great and it's something I've been trying to be better about ever since.

It's not a time I think anyone save like four Napoleonic-interested blogs can look back on without blame.

--

But yeah - it was a real bad time on here. People were called names and cruel, cruel messages were sent to various and sundry by various and sundry. People deactivated over it. Friendships were literally torched because of it. There was a lot of issues with: "What Is Tone When Jumping On Someone's Post?? We don't know how to gauge it! Are you being mean? Are you being helpful? Who knows!! But you sounded aggresive in your add on and so I had better respond aggressively as well."

All because some people took themselves too seriously and because other people were stupidly mean about something dumb.

If I sometimes come in really strong with five million disclaimers in my napoleon asks/responses, even just the silly, purely speculative ones that no one sensible expects Real Serious History to result from - questions that clearly fall into the camp of shit a friend would ask you at the bar after four pints - things like: "was he queer? do you think he had add/adhd? what do you speculate were mental health issues he may have had?" etc. it's because of this year/year-and-a-half shit show. (And my disclaimers don't always serve their purpose because this is, after all, the Piss on the Poor website and people lack attention to detail when reading. [That said, I'm just as guilty of it as well, so can't point too many fingers.])

anyway, the long and short is that MAN people were very anti-any idea that there might have been an iota of what we would term queerness in Napoleon. And MAN no one can be normal on this site about anything so of course there was unnecessary drama and hurt feelings and bitterness.

May we never repeat this stupid time.

[outer-spec]

tumblr if the french republican calendar still existed:

👑 monarchistmiku Follow

to remember how many days there are in a gregorian month, u just gotta use this rhyme:

thirty days h september april june and november, all the rest have thirty one, except for february for some reason idk

🇫🇷 frenchrepublic-official Follow

To remember how many days there are in a french republican month you just remember “30” because our calendar wasn’t invented by a drunk mathematician rolling dice.

👑 monarchist-miku Follow

yeah well at least we don’t have fucking leap months

🎹 composerblr Follow

happy birthday 2 Fromental Halévy!!! 🎉

🎻 catboy-mozart Follow

bro it’s already may 29, ur literally two days late

🎹 composerblr Follow

its the 7th of prarial you american

🦞 lobster-lover Follow

TIL lobster thermidor is named after the month “thermidor”… I feel so stupid

🚡 peepeepooposting Follow

Actually, the lobster dish is named after the play Thermidor, which takes place during the French Revolution!

🦞 lobster-lover Follow

thanks, now i feel even stupider

🎀 socialistmarieantoinette Follow

do french stoners think Nivose 20th is an extremely funny date????

📮 pingas Follow

why would i find “20/4” funny

🗼fightingfrenchphobia Follow

friendly reminder that you don’t get to celebrate french new year unless you’re literally french or if you are invited by a french person

🚡 peepeepooposting Follow

As a French person, I invite everyone reading this to celebrate Raisin with us! 🍇🎊🍾

🎻 catboy-mozart Follow

wait werent you the guy who said napoleon did nothing wrong