#ned the ball python

[nedtheball]

Ned went to see Santa!

[barbtheball]

It not delivery, it’s snake.

He emerge

[chupapapra]

Wow I really went and forgot to post snake day pics !

[greetings-and-salutations]

“HAY MAZE - ENTER HERE”

Peter Parker x Reader

Day 1 of the 13 Nights of Halloween Spooktacular!!!

Masterlist

(Gif not mine)

A/n: yes I’m aware the Gif is a corn maze and not a hay maze… 😬😂

Requested? No

Summary: Peter’s had a crush on (Y/n) for, quite literally, as long as he could remember. But, was he going to tell her? Absolutely not! That would ruin everything. He’d practically resigned himself to never speaking to her at all, for fear he’d open his mouth and say something stupid, but, what was he to do when she showed up to the same fall festival as him, wearing the cutest costume he’d ever seen, and screaming for his help when things went sideways like they, inevitably, always did?

Warnings: starred out swear words, significant lack of adherence to original plot line, MJ’s a lil mean but in a friend kinda way? 🤔😂, I picked out your costume, sorry 🤷‍♀️😂 Oh, and you’ve got a lil sibling 👌👌👌

Pairing: Tom!Peter Parker x Fem!Reader

“God, Parker, you’re such a loser! And that Spider-Man costume’s not even good!” Flash Thompson called out across the street, which was bustling with children and teenagers alike, all collecting candy in their Party City best.

It was Halloween night, and Peter and his friends had decided to spend the evening at a festival just down the street from his apartment, complete with booths full of candy, costumes, and goodies of all sorts. And, of course, the shining diamond of the event: an almost two block long hay maze. Peter was still unsure where they’d gotten permission for such a structure, though opted not to think too much about it. He knew from experience the wacky stuff one could get away with in this city if they had enough money.

Ned rolled his eyes, as the trio took in the poorly constructed Marty McFly costume Flash was currently sporting. Clearly, in Ned’s opinion, it was nothing in comparison to the Spider-Man costume in question, which, you caught him, was just Peter’s suit without the mask. But, what can he say? Costumes are expensive and never worth the inheritance you have to give up for them, anyways.

But, Peter didn’t care what Flash had to say. He thought he looked great and he was intent on having a good time, even if it killed him. Which, judging by the sheer amount of sugary treats in some of the stalls around them, it certainly might.

“He’s such a jerk.” Ned complained, flicking his cape in disgust. Peter, regrettably, wasn’t quite sure who his best friend was supposed to be. But, based off the reaction MJ had received for a similar question earlier in the evening, he decided that keeping that small fact to himself was in his best interest. Speaking of MJ…

“You did kind of ask for it dressing up as Flash’s boyfriend.” She pointed out, joining the conversation. MJ was dressed in her normal clothes, of which, in typical MJ fashion, she had blatantly refused to change out of. Sometimes that girl confused Peter, but, currently, he was too offended to care.

“Spider-Man’s not Flash’s boyfriend.” He argued, almost vomiting at the notion. Flash was the literal worst. He didn’t deserve Peter. He*l, he didn’t deserve a ball python with trust issues.

“Woah, calm down defensive.” MJ fired back, smirking as all this did was work the boy up more. But Peter couldn’t help it. She was poking her nose into something she shouldn’t. It was hard enough with Ned having figured out his secret.

“I’m not defensive!” He argued, his voice cracking a little at the end, and making Peter want to shove his head in the apple bobbing tub in the next booth over, wondering if his powers would prevent him from drowning himself.

“Clearly…” MJ replied sarcastically, before something Ned said caught their attention.

“Hey, look who it is!” Peter turned his head, to follow where the other boy was pointing, and his heart began beating erratically in his chest.

“Is that (Y/n)?” MJ asked, but Peter’s eyes remained on the angel just across the street. It was, indeed, (Y/n), the cute girl from their school that Peter had had a crush on for quite literally as long as he could remember. She was dressed different than usual, obviously, and Peter almost hadn’t recognized her with the white wings and cartoon halo. But there wasn’t another smile in the world that could send butterflies fluttering like crazy the way they were in his stomach. Or, perhaps bats were more on brand for the holiday season?

“Woah, she looks…” Peter couldn’t even put together a sentence, his mind all foggy with sickeningly sweet romance sh*t. That is, until Ned opened his mouth again.

“Hot.” Peter smacked him on the shoulder harshly.

“Dude!” He complained as Ned rubbed the sore spot with a pout.

“He’s not wrong. She does look great in that costume.” MJ interjected, shamelessly watching the angel girl as she spoke to a much younger devil. “You should go talk to her.” She added, watching the devil run off with a group of more elementary school age kids. Peter rounded on her in horror.

“Are you crazy?!?! She’s… and I’m… Ya know?!?!” Peter gestured wildly to prove his point, though even he was aware his words meant little to nothing. MJ raised a brow.

“Gee, that makes so much more sense now. Thanks for clearing that up.” She said sarcastically, ignoring Peters look of intense loathing as Ned spoke up.

“Seriously, dude, what’s stopping you? She’s right there…” He turned to where Peter knew (Y/n) was, before frowning. “Well… WAS right there…” Peter spun around to see what he was talking about and found that, his perfect little angel had disappeared.

“Where’d she go?” He asked no one in particular as his eyes searched the street for her figure, though, it was as if she had dissolved into thin air.

“Why do you care?” MJ asked with a sadistic chuckle. “Were you finally gonna tell her you’ve been pining after her since the third grade?” She asked, making Peter shrug, uncomfortable under her gaze.

“Maybe…” But MJ just rolled her eyes.

“Sure you were. C’mon, Ned. I want to look at those witch hats and you need to find something to distract from that terrible cape.” She said suddenly, pulling the other boy along with her and sending Peter a smirk over her shoulder, Ned following along as he was told.

“Okay… wait- what’s wrong with my cape!?!”

Peter chuckled at his friends before the realization seemed to set in: MJ had left him alone to go find (Y/n)…

+ + +

(Y/n) really should’ve assumed that when (Y/s/n) had asked her to take them trick or treating, she was really only being used for a ride. The pair hadn’t even been at the fall festival for fifteen minutes before (Y/s/n) was finding their friends, and leaving (Y/n) to fend for herself.

She supposed she wasn’t entirely alone. She’d seen a few kids from her school, Flash Thompson, among others, but (Y/n) surely wasn’t yet desperate enough to go searching for the likes of him to keep her company. She’d rather be the sad loner, thank you very much.

Although, standing out in the open might seem the teensiest bit pathetic…

HAY MAZE - ENTER HERE

Well… now there’s an option.

+ + +

Peter was pathetic. He knew that. Surely MJ knew that, what with the unprecedented amount of teasing she’d subjected him to in the last ten minutes. And (Y/n) had probably figured it out somehow too. He wasn’t exactly discreet about his deplorability.

Now, Peter Parker wasn’t scared of much. Being a superhero will do that to you. He’d fought Captain America for Hulk’s sake. But everyone who’s ever met him knew, Peter was downright terrified of not having (Y/n) in his life. It was stupid. He knew that. But try telling his heart that.

And, Peter knew, he couldn’t scare her away if he never spoke to her in the first place. It was a heartbreaking paradox of his own making, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

“Alright, MJ, lay off him. He looks like he’s gonna cry. You okay buddy?” Ned asked the last part in a whisper, as he patted Peter on the back. The pair had returned from their feeble attempt to fix Peter’s love life to find him exactly where’d they’d left him, though, substantially more dejected than before. The spider-boy shoved the comforting hand off him, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.

“I’m fine. Can we just talk about something else?” He asked, hoping to get his mind off his hopeless crush. MJ, it seemed, finally decided to cut him some slack and nodded her head, before gesturing towards a sign up ahead.

“You guys wanna try our luck?”

HAY MAZE - ENTER HERE

He supposed that could work…

+ + +

Peter still wasn’t entirely sure how they’d gotten so lost. They’d only been in the maze for what felt like moments, before, somehow, Peter, Ned, and MJ had gotten themselves so turned around that they hadn’t only lost their sense of direction, but, rather, one another as well. Peter had a sneaking suspicion MJ had something to do with the situation, but supposed it didn’t matter now. He was in it, and all he could do was keep on walking and hope he was going the right way. There had to be a turn up ahead that revealed some sort of destination, whether it be the maze exit or perhaps a just-as-confused Ned, searching for him as well. Peter had no hope MJ was still looking for either of them. He’d bet his left web-shooter she was already out and laughing over their poor directional skills.

If all else failed, Peter guessed he could always go full Spidey and swing out the top. He knew it was cheating, but, really, who would know? He’d just go back in right before the end and pretend he found his way out just like everyone else. Poor Ned, though…

Suddenly, however, Peter’s contemplations were interrupted by a shrill shriek coming from somewhere further in the maze. His eyes widened in worry, and he threw caution to the wind, his mask quick to cover his face. as he readied himself to swing. He’d recognize that voice anywhere…

“(Y/n)!”

+ + +

In hindsight, it wasn’t THAT scary. The whole “haunted hay maze” thing was, honestly, a tad cringy at best, the plastic skeletons and colorful strobe lights acting as nothing more than a corny backdrop for an otherwise relatively entertaining game.

The rat, however, had seemed to come out of nowhere. And, while screaming like a little girl was not necessarily in (Y/n)’s nature, the thing was huge for a rat, and had brushed up against her leg with a considerable lack of warning.

How was she to know Spider-Man would show up because of her momentary freak out? As if she wasn’t already embarrassed enough…

“Are you okay? What happened?” He was checking her over for injuries, his hands holding her close so that he could inspect her, but that wasn’t what got (Y/n)’s words caught in her throat. That voice…

“Peter?”

+ + +

The white eyes in Peter’s suit widened, in no way hiding his shock from the girl in front of him . How did she…?

“Um… what? Im not- I mean- I’m Spider-Man. What are you-“ He tried to lower his voice, in an attempt to disguise it, but it was too late. The damage had been done. (Y/n) had already figured it out, somehow…

“Really, Peter? I know it’s you.”

Peter Parker was sure he’d never been more shocked in his entire life. Even that time when Tony Stark showed up in his house and kidnapped him to go to Germany couldn’t compare to right then: standing there, a foot away from the girl of his dreams, listening to her shatter his whole world with no more than a word. How did she figure it out? He thought he’d been so careful. Peter shook his head quickly, unintentionally making himself seem a million times more suspicious.

“It’s not me. I mean- I’m not-“ Could this get any worse? But Peter didn’t know the half of it…

“Wow. You know, I thought you were different. But turns out you’re a total jerk just like every other guy at school.”

Well that felt like a punch in the gut… If Peter was confused before, that was nothing on how he felt now. If she really had figured out his secret identity, that he was a superhero in his spare time, why was she yelling at him like he’d just shoved her into a locker and stolen her lunch money?

“What did I-“ He started, but she was not done, her rant sending her pacing in front of him in a way that reminded Peter far too much of his aunt when she was angry.

“You know it’s one thing to pick on me for being scared, but it’s really low to use your Halloween costume to pretend to be Spider-Man.” And suddenly Peter understood. He probably should have been grateful that she hadn’t discovered his biggest secret. But the alternative…

“Wait! (Y/n) please just let me explain-“ He tried, but the girl wasn’t having it.

“What’s there to explain? You thought it’d be funny to mess with the weird lonely girl. Well, congratulations! It was hilarious! Now I’d like to go home please, if I can ever find the end of this stupid maze!” She kicked the hay bale beside her harshly, though it did nothing more than stick little pieces to the bottom of her pants, as she groaned in annoyance.

Peter wanted to help and offered just as much, but (Y/n) was still fuming.

“I don’t want your help. I don’t need your help. I’ll be fine on my own. I don’t need some fake Spider-Man-“ It was at this point that Peter made a rash decision.

“It’s not fake!” He practically screamed, his whole body seething at the mere notion that he could do something so terrible to her. And she completely believed it too. That was the worst part.

Now, spilling the beans about his super alter ego to the girl he’d been crushing on for forever certainly wasn’t how he’d expected the night to go, but it also wasn’t really the end of the world. Ned knew. And that hadn’t caused too many problems as of late. Of course, it would help if she’d just believe him…

“Really, Peter, can you just-“

But, this time, their screaming match was interrupted by someone else: an all too familiar masked figure flying through the air over the festival, pumpkin-shaped bombs at the ready threateningly.

Peter’s face hardened at the sight of the Green Goblin, his fingers itching for his web shooters. Why now? Why tonight of all nights?

“The itsy bitsy spider went swinging through the hay…

C’mon little Spider boy! Come out to play!”

Peter didn’t want to. He wanted to stay here, with (Y/n) and finish explaining everything to her. He really didn’t want to leave her alone thinking the horrible things she had been about him. He wanted her to know everything… about Spider-Man… and his feelings…

But, Peter knew he had a job to do. Spider-Man did. And he’d take (Y/n) being mad at him a million times over if it meant she was safe. And as long as the Goblin was here, she wasn’t…

+ + +

“Who the he*l is that? Peter, we should… Peter?” (Y/n) spun in a complete circle, searching the narrow maze hallway for the boy who she swore had been there just moments before. But, alas, Peter was gone. Her gaze caught sight of a familiar red and blue figure swinging through the air in the direction the Goblin went, and her eyes widened in realization…

“Holy, sh*t… Peter Parker is Spider-Man…”

Tag lists are open!!!

Tags: @electriclcvewp @kaqua @missryerye @simp-for-fictional-people @nickangel13 @miaandthediamonds

[mediajist]

Some of the Best Humour Quotes Ever

Looking for a bit of humour to brighten up your day? Here is a great selection of some of the best humorous quotes from some of the funniest people on the planet.

1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

—Mitch Hedberg

2. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”

—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”

—David Letterman

5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

—Jack Handey

6. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”

Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”

—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space

7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

—Mark Twain

8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

—Will Ferrell

9. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

—Rita Rudner

10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”

—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

—Erma Bombeck

12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

—Phyllis Diller

13. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”

—Ellen DeGeneres

14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

—Anonymous

15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”

—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld

16. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office

17. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

—Anonymous

18. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

—Rodney Dangerfield

19. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

—Les Dawson

20. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”

—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

21. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”

—Steven Wright

22. Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”

Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”

—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!

23.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

―Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

24. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

—Joan Rivers

25. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

26. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”

—Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy

27. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”

—Jimmy Kimmel

28. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”

—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up

29. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”

—Lessons from the Minivan

30. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”

—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory

31. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”

—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club

32. Usher: “Bride or groom?”

Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!”

—Four Weddings and a Funeral

33. Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”

Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”

—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality

34. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

—Jerry Seinfeld

35. Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”

Fred: “Your feet?”

—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy

36. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

—Anonymous

37. Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”

Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”

—Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers

38. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.”

—Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

39.“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”

—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey

40. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”

—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

For more great humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

[funface2]

101 Funny Quotes — Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh – Parade

Whether it’s a play on words, a funny observation about everyday things or old witty sayings, comedy has a way of making us realize we’re all going through the same stuff in this crazy life. These funny quotes about work, love, friends and family will have you saying, “So true!” because, well, they are. Others will have you remembering hilarious, meme-worthy movie and TV moments.

Take a much-needed break from your day to check out the 101 funniest quotes we found in stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick chuckle. 

1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” —Mitch Hedberg

2. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” —President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” —Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” —David Letterman

5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey

6. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.” Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.” —Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space

7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” —Mark Twain

8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

9. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner

10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.” —Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” —Erma Bombeck

12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

13. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” —Ellen DeGeneres

14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” —Anonymous

15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” —Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld

16. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” —Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office

17. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” —Anonymous

18. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” —Rodney Dangerfield

19. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” —Les Dawson

20. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.” —Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

21. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” —Steven Wright

22. Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.” Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley” —Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!

23.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ―Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

24. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” —Joan Rivers

25. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” —Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

26. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” —Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy

27. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” —Jimmy Kimmel

28. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” —Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up

29. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.” —Lessons from the Minivan

30. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory

31. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.” —Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club

32. Usher: “Bride or groom?” Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!” —Four Weddings and a Funeral

33. Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.” Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.” —Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality

34. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld

35. Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.” Fred: “Your feet?” —Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy

36. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” —Anonymous

37. Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?” Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.” —Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers

38. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

39.“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.” —Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey

40. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” —Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

41. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” —Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

42. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous

43. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” —Graham Norton

44. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” —Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

45. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” —George Carlin

46. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” —Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

47. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” —Sir Norman Wisdom

48. “That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.” —Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

49. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” —Adam Gropman

50. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?” —Neil DeGrasse Tyson

51. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” —Groucho Marx

52. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” —Jay Leno

53. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” —Steve Martin

54. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” —Dave Barry

55. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” —Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective

56. “What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.” —Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding

57. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” —George Burns

58. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” —Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda

59. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?” —Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

60. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” —Ellen DeGeneres

61. Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?” Clouseau: “The exploding kind.” —Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again

62. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” —Tina Fey, Bossypants

63. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.” —Anonymous

64. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” —Robin Williams

65. “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” —Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

66. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” —Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters

67. Police officer: “Pull over.” Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.” —Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber

68. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” —Bob Hope

69. “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.” —Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

70. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.” —Anonymous

71. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” —Mark Twain

72. “Woke up today. It was terrible.” —Grumpy Cat

73. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” —Anonymous

74. “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.” —Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

75. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” —Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors

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76. “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck

77. “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” —Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace

78. Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.” Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!” Individual: “I’m not!” —Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian

79. “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids

80. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” —Oscar Wilde

81. “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.” —Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

82. “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.” —Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

83. “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City

84: Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.” Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?” —Waitress, the Musical

85. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” —Anonymous

86. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White

87. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” —Maria Bamford

88. “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” —Jarod Kintz

89. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” —Dorothy Parker

90. “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.” —Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail

91. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” —Lin-Manuel Miranda

92. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.” —Anonymous

93. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” —Groucho Marx

94. “I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” —Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada

95. “My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” —Shonda Rimes

96. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” —Damien Fahey

97. “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.” —Anonymous

98. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” —Jack Whitehall

99. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” —Noel Coward

100. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” —Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

101. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” —Zach Galifianakis

Want more great quotes? Check out… 50 Thinking of You Quotes  150 Good Morning Quotes  100 Wedding and Marriage Quotes  50 Friday Quotes  50 Monday Motivation Quotes

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Bài viết 101 Funny Quotes — Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh – Parade đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/funny-quotes/101-funny-quotes-hilarious-quotes-to-make-you-laugh-parade/

[ratkingdnd]

Chapter Thirty Five - Hole Tight

The heroes go to make their way out of the vegepygmy village, but just beforehand Buffalo turns around and asks “On a side note, do you know where the air elementals are?”, “They’re north of here, living above the treetops after leaving the goblin airship” says Sssgush. “How did you know that?” asked Dolgan, “Our village may be small, but our network extends wide, never underestimate the power of mould”, “Okay…” said Dolgan thinking that was a weird answer. Buffalo turns to the group “Let’s handle the air elementals first? It can’t take more than a day or two and then we have the goblin airship. If the Feywild is anywhere, it would be much easier to traverse the forest in an airship than walking”. The heroes agree and they decide to head north to find the air elementals. Scaly knocks on the chest and Kalgrin pops his head out, “Yes?”, “Do you know how to catch air elementals?” Scaly asks. “No” says Kalgrin as he starts to close the lid of the chest. “Wait, wait, wait! Do you know anything about them? Any info would be good”, says Dolgan. “phwoo” Kalgrin sighs, stepping out of the chest and standing tall. “ They come from the plane of air, they speak Auran and generally for them to be brought on to the material plane, they would have needed to be summoned. They’re sentient, but they don’t have emotions or feelings as we would. They exist to exist. That’s all I know about them”. Kalgrin get’s back in the chest and shut the lid above him. “Looks like Kalgrin’s in a good mood” says Scaly with a roll of his eyes. 

The heroes venture north, discussing potential tactics as to how to trap the air elementals. Mention of the bag to the Shadowfell, the chest and other ideas get thrown around, but nothing sticks. They walk for about 3-4 hours and come across Elmdew Pond again. “That’s weird” says Raissh, “What’s weird?” asks Ned, “I thought Elmdew was a little to the west of here” responds Raissh. “Oh yeah” says Buffalo, looking around at the surroundings a little confused, “Maybe we were a little off remembering Elmdew, we did come out pretty dazy”. The heroes walk through the shrubbery to get through to the sanctuary and see the familiar setting. “See, we were just a little off” says Buffalo, removing his clothes and running towards the pond. Ned looks around, “Yan’s not here” he says mostly to himself as he see’s Buffalo cannonball into the water, there were no animals around either. The pond looked the same, but it was devoid of life, like everything had moved out or something. As Ned stared at the pond, seeing the ripples made by Buffalo, he notices a glint at the bottom of the pond, almost dead in the centre. Ned walks towards the pond and starts swimming towards whatever was in the middle. 

Meanwhile, Scaly stands at the edge of the pond, almost in a trance, staring directly into the water. He takes his clothes off without ever moving his eyes away from the pond before falling directly forwards, face planting into the pond. The splash of cool water gets him out of his trance as he comes to, but realises he cannot move. Scaly tries to move his hands to lift himself up but nothing, he was paralysed in the water. Ned continues to swim towards the middle of the pond. Dolgan see’s Scaly lying face down in the pond and grabs his legs, assuming he was mucking around. Dolgan pulls back on Scaly’s legs, but Scaly was not moving, it was almost as if he was a cement statue stuck in the water. Scaly feels his legs being lifted up and pulled on, but cannot react at all, instead just making muffled, underwater noises to which no one hears.

Ned finally reaches the middle of the pond and sees the glint of whatever it was again at the bottom. Ned takes a large breath and dives, swimming downwards towards bottom. As he reaches the bottom he see’s that what was catching his eye were two statues. One male, with a crown, holding a scepter with the sun at the top. The other was a female, also with a crown and scepter, except hers held a moon instead of the sun. Ned grabs both and swims back to the surface. Buffalo continues to frolic around in the water, not noticing the weird things the rest of the heroes were doing, until he feels a tug on the bottom of his legs. Another tug. Buffalo starts to make his way back to the shore, feeling concerned about what was going on in the water, but as he does, it starts to feel difficult to swim but not due to his limbs working, but rather the medium he was swimming in starting to feel like sludge, or even jelly.

Dolgan continues to attempt to pull Scaly out, but to no avail. Scaly continues to yell underwater. Dolgan, unable to concentrate, yells “sacris flamma” (sacred flame) in anger as a ball of light appears just above Scaly’s head and in that second Dolgan makes out the outline of a blob looking like creature in the water, below Scaly surrounding his entire body. Buffalo, still struggling to swim back to shore starts to feel a headache as his arms move through the thick water, and suddenly, as if a flash happened right in front of him, the entire pond looks like it had a layer of oil over it, not only that, the water under the oil was slimey, green and full of rotting animal bodies and carcasses. Buffalo feels sick immediately as he vomits into the water, but not before the entire pond turned back to look like Elmdew again. Buffalo shakes his head and continues to swim forward slowly. Ned continues to swim back to shore, but feels the statues in his hand get incredibly heavy. He stops swimming and lifts them out of the water. As his arms break the surface, it’s almost as if the water was sticking to his arms, surrounding them and not allowing them to leave the body of water. 

Buffalo finally makes it back to the shore and pulls his way onto the grassy area, but similar to Ned’s experience, as he exits the main body of water, the water seems to stick to him, surrounding his entire body, like a blob engulfing him within itself. Buffalo manages to break the bubble and sits on the shore looking back at the pond. It still looked like Elmdew, except all around him wasn’t green grasses and shrubs, but instead thousands of mushrooms. Everywhere. Scaly starts to regain feeling a little in his hand and tries to yank it out of the water straight away, but even with movement back in his limbs, whatever was holding on to him was stronger than he was. All of the heroes were starting to panic now, flashes of the pond were changing from the pristine Elmdew, to the toxic, oily, sludge, carcass filled pond first seen by Buffalo. Ned relentlessly swims forward to the shore, tossing the statues towards Buffalo and successfully getting them into the mushrooms. Scaly regains control of both of his arms and is able to push himself out of the water, the water sticking to his face like Buffalo and Ned. As Scaly breaks the water tension he breathes in audibly and deeply, getting his breath back as he flings himself backwards onto the shore into the mushroom field. The mushrooms explode around them, releasing spores up into the air.

  Ned slams down with both fists into the water, in the direction that he was being pulled by. His hands glide through the water until it feels something thicker, sludgier. A giant water filled arm like looking appendage flings out of the water and slaps down on the shore directly at Scaly, but Scaly rolls over to the right in the last second and it misses him, but it does not miss the mushrooms. Billions of spores explode out again filling the air with a yellow tinge. Buffalo gets up with his short bow and pulls a corkscrew arrow from his quiver. He attaches a rope to the end of the corkscrew arrow and aims just past Ned, his vision was obscured by the spores clouding the sky. The arrow shoots over Ned’s head and darts into the water behind him, sinking into the pond floor. Scaly raises his arm and yells “Telum python!” as a lightning bolt appears out of thin air, electrocuting whatever the blob was in the water. A cylinder of water rises out of the pond, electrified and spinning like a mini vortex, four appendage like columns of water swing out of the cylinder towards each of the heroes. Dolgan and Scaly both get hit, with Buff and Ned managing to dodge it. The water columns drag Dolgan and Scaly back into the pond by their feet as they squirm and attempt to grab anything on the shore to hold on to. 

Buffalo shoots two arrow at the blob pulling in Dolgan and Scaly, both arrows fly through, slowed momentarily through the water. Dolgan continues to kick and squirm, managing to free himself of the water cylinder and motorboating his way back onto the shore. Ned runs to the back of the pond, near the waterfall and climbs the rocks that form it. Scaly swims towards the blob as fast as possible, reaching it within seconds and placing his hands inside of the blob channeling the electric energy inside of his body and screaming “Horrendum Manibus!” as the electricity shoots out of his hands and inside the blob. The blob raises it’s arm like columns of water and smashes down onto Scaly’s back, knocking him deep into the water and taking the wind out of him. Buffalo unleashes another arrow on the blob, the arrow misses completely, flying over the top of it, travelling all the way to the back of the pond and through the waterfall. The arrow was a complete failure, but from that came a new piece of information - as the arrow went through the waterfall, separating the water for a split second, Buffalo noticed that there was a large hole behind it. Buffalo continues to fight the water blob creature with his short bow, shooting multiple arrows, all of which fly through the blob as if it weren’t there. Scaly swims across the pond to the east side and makes his way to the waterfall as Ned blocks the water with his body at the top of the waterfall, Dolgan adds to Buffalo’s attack with a bolt of light flying out of his palm and into the blob, leaving a white hole where it hit.

Scaly manages to get himself to the edge of the hole behind the waterfall, now with no water falling due to Ned blocking it off at the top. Scaly positions himself next to the hole and realises it’s quite big, easily big enough for him or Ned to go through. Ned yells to Scaly, “Stay there guys, I’m going in!” as he slides off the edge of the rocks towards the hole, but his grace fails him as he instead falls head first downwards towards the hole. Scaly as he flies past yells “Lux!” as a small light erupts from his hand and surrounds Ned, lighting him up as he crashes down the rocks and falls into the hole. Scaly then jumps in after him. Buffalo see’s all the commotion at the waterfall and for fear of missing out, starts swimming as fast as possible towards the hole, managing to get there in an instant as he flings himself down too. Dolgan looks around him, one on one with the water blob, that still wasn’t even looking close to being defeated, sighing and annoyed at his friends for abandoning him.

The hole was more of a chute, Ned, Scaly and Buffalo slid down on what could only be slime or mould as they gained speed the further they got. They slid for what felt like 10 seconds before smashing into water. They quickly swam upwards until reaching the surface and upon first glance realise that they had gotten to some underwater cavern. The pool of water in the cavern took up most of the space, it wasn’t a large area but housed the three heroes quite well. In the roof were what looked like some gems stuck into the stone and at the back of the cavern was a single door, Ned walks directly over to it and opens it up.

Meanwhile outside, Dolgan was still in the fight, following Ned’s words and being the stoic man that he is. Dolgan holds up his amulet and yells “Radium Languorem!” (Ray of Sickness) as a green beam, putrid with smell hits the blob. The blob turns a sickly green and keels over a little, bobbing in the pond. Seeing an opportunity, Dolgan grabs his shield from his back and takes a run up on the shore. Getting as much speed as he can, he throws the shield onto the edge of the water and jumps on it, skimming across the surface and up to the water blob. As he reaches the blob he uses his hammer to hit upwards, splitting it in half in a gigantic splash of slimy, watery grossness. The water rains down over the pond, as Dolgan stands on his shield, slowly sinking into the pond, sweating and puffing. He had defeated the water blob alone. Once he is below the water level, he places the shield on his back and swims over to the hole, before jumping through and sliding down to meet his mates.

Ned walks through the door, with Buff and Scaly following just behind. They walk out into a room, much larger than the one they were previously in. The design was much different too. This one had a catwalk like path around the edge, running along the four walls of the room. It also had a door situated in the centre of the room, but the door was surrounded by what seemed like a thousand crows, all flying at the same time in seemingly random directions. There was no noise though, even with the furious amount of flapping, no noise was coming from them or their wings. Ned was the first to notice a sun dial looking podium at the edge of the catwalk facing the door. On it was a left, down, right and up arrow, along with a button that had a sun and one that had a moon. Ned presses down on the sun button, but nothing happens. He tries the up arrow, nothing happens. Whilst this is happening, Buffalo walks around the room via the catwalk but doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary bar the fact that the room itself was completely out of the ordinary.

Ned continues to muck around with the sundial before Scaly pipes up “There’s a staircase here”. Ned looks up seeing Scaly just left of him, holding on to what looked like the railing of a spiral staircase. Ned walks over to Scaly and starts moving down the stairs slowly. Scaly mutters “lux’ as another small light erupts from his hand, this time floating towards one of the crows. The crow lights up, flying amongst it’s other crow friends. Scaly watches the pattern of it’s flight for a while, but nothing strikes him as out of the ordinary. Ned gets to the bottom of the staircase and see’s what looks like long black paint, strung across the ground in no particular pattern or fashion. At the back of the room, were two small podiums, one with sun etched into it and the other with a moon. Ned looks above him and sees the murder of crows, one crow glowing with light, breaking the visibility between him and the heroes. He walks over to the podiums and puts the statues on their respective spots. As he does the crows seems to vanish into thin air and he can suddenly see the rest of the group above. He can also see the bottom of the door and it still had no bridge to it, it was floating on nothing. Buffalo yells out "There’s a message on the ground, get out of the way!” as he waves Ned off to the left. Ned walks back up to the rest of the group and looks downwards seeing a gigantic code written sprawling across the walls and floor as the heroes move towards the sundial to enter in what they read. 

[barbtheball]

[nedtheball]

Click the link for snake stuff recommendations!

[dufresnegallery]

Snoot shots!

[barbtheball]

Halloween is done and Thanksgiving has passed, so the time has come.

[barbtheball]

[barbtheball]

Reptile problems...